#mostly housebound with literally no one to talk to

[dawneternal]

400 followers 😳😳 and it's almost the anniversary of starting this account

Thank you all 💛 writing again and having people to talk to has saved me in a very big way. Sharing my art and getting to watch people enjoy it and encourage me has caused my art to grow so so much and I can't wait to keep going. I've wanted to write and illustrate since I was a kid and it's all of YOU that make me feel like I can actually do it. So thank you for sticking with me and making me believe that my life can still mean something, even with my illness and all the ways that covid set me back.

I'll stop rambling now I just love you all 💛

[hussyknee]

X

Fourth close friend blocked me. I didn't even do anything to her, she just hangs out with the other three.

I just wish one of them would explain why the way I behaved during the worst of my mental illness was enough to cancel out the years and years of friendship before that. I'm not saying it was justified, I'm saying I can't even remember half that year. I was dumped by my therapist unceremoniously, planning to commit suicide, bought equipment to do it, fought to be hospitalized for it, then fell out with my relatives after I asked them for help, went for six weeks of ECT on my own after which I still have large gaps in my memory, then my mother had a stroke and broke her hip and turned into an even worse abusive demon while draining all my savings. I had that fight with my best friend while disassociating for three days. And then my physical health deteriorated so much over the next year that I developed agoraphobia because I had been housebound so long. I blocked the fourth friend as much for her sake as mine because I was unstable and systematically burning down all my friendships.

The whole goddamn reason I busted up so bad with them was years of built up triggers from moral OCD that I had no idea I had in the first place. I fought against the obsessions and triggers for fucking years trying not to hurt them. And I was mostly successful because I only recall having a one big fight with my former best friend before all this. I don't blame her for anything because she really tried to stick it out with me until I fucked her up badly. But the other three didn't even try.

Like they don't have to be my friend, I know I burned us down, and I'm glad they walked away when they did. But why can't they at least talk to me one last time a year later before cutting off contact? Why don't all the years we were friends before I went quite literally insane matter?

This is probably really self-pitying and self-justifying again or something but I'm so tired of losing friendships to mental illnesses I didn't even know I had until after the fact. I'm so tired of having to work so goddamn hard to not become this horrible toxic person and failing because life won't cut me a single fucking break. I feel like I'm a bomb about to go off, like I'm fundamentally dangerous to know and an emotional vampire like my Mum. Things just seem to get worse every year and I keep losing more relationships, more health, more hope, more opportunities.

I can't kill myself now because my kittens need me but I wish I had gone through with it last year. I wish I could go back in time to when I first attempted fifteen years ago and go through with it. Staying alive hasn't been worth it and I have no hope it ever will be. When all else failed I used to be glad I did because of all the animals I was able to save, but now I think maybe death is the greatest gift this world can give anyone.

[sapphic-luminosity]

4.5 years

I’m so tired.

It’s really incredibly tiring living through the ongoing pandemic and feeling like the world around me does not care that it still exists and is dangerous as ever. 

It really does feel like few people care at this point. It’s very hard to be honest, but the threat is such that I can’t really just relax and pretend like it’s not there.

I do follow covid conscious people on social media and it helps to know that there’s many of us out there. And I’m glad to have a number of friends who have remained covid conscious, but like we really are few in number. A lot of friends and family members who used to be cautious have thrown caution to the wind, only maybe masking when, say, going on flights or maybe to crowded spaces if that. I still want to be friends and have relationships with these people but every time I meet with them I’m very aware that there’s increased risk in doing so. Meanwhile plenty of friends who stopped taking covid seriously have simply stopped really talking to me or including me in plans, even online friends. It’s disappointing. It’s isolating. It feels like I’m disposable to many people. But at least I do see some people repeatedly in person consistently wearing masks like I do. And that helps some.

Every couple waves I’ll see more people wearing masks such as the ongoing one. You know what, that’s welcome, I appreciate everyone who starts masking again after having stopped. But masking only during the heights ignores that the spread of the virus still goes on in between. So the next wave comes as people relax and transmission increases again. 

It’s hard feeling mostly housebound. I am a bit of a homebody, but not nearly to this degree. Not having an in person job outside of my home doesn’t help with that but also I’m not sure that I could bear to do one at this point. Being disabled already pre-covid and moving states literally weeks before the shelter in place orders came into effect (not lockdowns, we never had those in the US) meant that I did not have a job when the pandemic struck. I decided to wait it out for weeks months a year until the first vaccines got rolled out and thought about trying to apply again but then in the summer of 2021 Delta came. Then Omicron. And so on. Now we’re up to BA.2.86 and JN.1 as the variants of interest. It’s never stopped. There’s never been a break. The years start comin' and they don't stop comin'.

Working from home was a huge option early in the pandemic for many people outside industries that require people to work in person but gradually companies and organizations have rolled back this accessibility by requiring people return to office. And the economy sucks right now. Applying to jobs sucks even in the best of times with the current system, but now we have confirmed cases of job recruiters putting up phantom jobs, some admitting that 75% of the jobs they’ve posted being fake to make their company look like it’s in better shape or positions where the candidate has already been selected internally and they just want to make it look sorta fair. Not to mention all the scam listings. Job hunting sucks. It’s a lot of energy spent for very few returns and my disability/chronic illness means I just can’t channel endless amounts of energy without paying a far greater price in the future.

It’s not just work either. I haven’t seen a movie in theaters since the Harley Quinn and the Birds of Prey movie in February 2020. Maybe I’ll actually go see one soon, but it’s a real risk, even during a matinee when fewer people might be there, even masked in an N95. (And definitely a much bigger risk if I should want some popcorn or a drink.) I have been to one indoor event (MBMBaM live show) that required masks of everyone in late 2022. It was a risk but masking made it feel a little safer. Nothing like the risks today where so many people seem to have forgotten the danger that they knew in 2020 and 2021 and maybe 2022 and will look at you funny if you even wear a mask much less suggest they might wear one.

We’ve known about covid spreading as an aerosol but I’ve had people I know act like it’s safe to eat inside as long as you’re far away from people regardless of ventilation. Some even still believe the six feet away idea that has been thoroughly debunked. We’ve known about long covid post-viral syndromes since 2020 and that you can still get long covid after vaccines at least since 2021. Research has come out over the last few years about covid having rampant effects on your immune system, heart, brain, pretty much any organ in your body, but people still think of it as just a respiratory illness.

Our government has failed us profoundly. I never had much trust in the government, becoming politically conscious in the early Bush era in the wake of Islamophobia and endless wars against concepts which got widespread support from both dominant parties in the US. Coming out as queer in my early adulthood, I learned about the Reagan response to the HIV/AIDS epidemic (ignoring it for several years because ewwwww gay people!!) which filled in the blanks of knowledge from my childhood where the education was pretty much just scaremongering. It’s truly monstrous how Reagan ignored HIV and yet I’m not sure anyone has really done that much better since him.

I’ve never liked Biden nor do I pretend to. But even so, he campaigned on how thousands of covid deaths in 2020 were unacceptable under a US president when it was Trump in power. Yet under him we’ve seen likely over a million people die and the dismantling of protections that helped prevent covid’s spread or monitoring. We were pushed the idea that you simply had to get vaccinated and then it wouldn’t be a problem anymore. But that’s never been true. He declared that the pandemic was over in September 2022 and in the two years since then I’ve watched more friends who mask consistently get sick than those I knew who got sick from November 2019 to September 2022. (I’m pretty fortunate in that regard, I know many people had lots of friends and relatives get sick and die or become permanently disabled prior to September 2022.) 

Sure, the White House approved 4 more covid tests per household again in response to the current wave (after getting rid of that program months ago), but the tests are notoriously unreliable for a single test unless it gives you a positive and generally you need to use them over multiple days to make sure you don’t have false negatives. Not to mention that we have known about asymptomatic transmission of covid since 2020, but people just seem to have forgotten about that. Testing daily would do so much to help track the disease, especially if our leaders were to encourage everyone to do them. But there’s a serious lack of test availability. The government could give each of us a test per day and help stop a lot of transmission. Where are free masks? Where is the continued funding for vaccines? Where is funding for improved ventilation including air filtration systems for every classroom and other shared public space? Where are protections to make sure that employers have to keep people home and give them sick pay? Any public health response we had has pretty much fallen away into privatized, “you-do-you” individualism. (Anyone remember that “you-do-you” MTA sign from 2 years ago saying masks were optional so wear them however the fuck you want? “You-do-you” feel free to get someone’s immunocompromised grandma mortally ill on the subway.)

There’s only one mention of the pandemic on Harris’ campaign website’s Issues page at the moment, only in passing while talking about automotive industry jobs. The pandemic is in the past, this seems to say. There’s no need to mention it except to compare what she has done under Biden vs. what Trump did. Biden may have stepped down from running after getting covid for at least the third time and possibly suffering lasting health issues including possible covid-accelerated dementia from it but there’s no need to address that. Simply move on and forget. Maybe she can’t even admit that Biden fucked up royally in 2022, she just has to save face for the DNC. Or she’s trying to appeal to anti-vax anti-mask “Never Trump” Republicans who still won’t vote for her. I don’t pretend to understand what she’s thinking of during her campaign’s numerous missteps so far.

We don’t live in 2019 anymore but so many people seem trapped there. They think that we who are covid conscious are unwilling to move on and are trapped in 2020, but I find that often we’re more attuned to the actual situation going on. So many people seem to be unaware of the long term consequences of catching covid, especially multiple times. So many people passively question why everyone seems to be sick all the time or why there are so many more heart attacks and such happening in young people or why there seem to be more dangerous drivers on the road or why there are so many fewer workers these days but never stop to pursue the answer to the most clear solution. Occam’s Razor never had a chance.

The pandemic has changed us all on levels we probably won’t realize for years or decades, but I feel like many people who have moved back to 2019 are worse for it. Worse empathy for those who had any empathy at all beforehand. Worse science literacy, especially amongst medical professionals. (“You’re not going to get sick in a hospital!” “Why would we wear masks in the cancer ward!?”) Worse critical thinking. Worse memory. I know people deal with trauma in different ways but so many people just seem to be so avoidant that any tiny reminder of it makes them want it gone gone gone. Or they seem to just sigh and laugh internally at those of us taking it seriously. “You just have anxiety!” they might say, even when in my humble opinion nothing is more rational than our desire to not get sick. Not to mention all the harassment people have gotten for doing things like masking because using a simple medical device has turned into a moral panic in some spaces. (I know of some people who would mask don’t anymore because of social pressure or outright threats used against them.)

It’s hard to have hope for the future and yet I hang in there. Maybe someday I’ll be able to work in person again. Maybe someday I will be able to be on a plane again and travel outside of the US or go to visit friends in parts of the US I’ve never been to. Maybe someday I will be able to eat inside a restaurant again instead of getting takeout or (rarely) taking a risk by eating outside of one. Maybe someday I’ll be able to casually sip an iced latte in a coffee shop while reading to pass the time again. Maybe someday I will be able to go to concerts or conventions or crowded outdoor festivals or indoor parties or board game nights or even ride the bus without having to ask myself if it’s worth the risk and without having to wear a mask. But with the infection rates we’ve been seeing that feels far off and most people don’t seem to care about making that world a reality.

I hope that there will be some treatment to finally end covid-19 and its numerous lineages that continue to mutate and spread across the world like wildfire. I feel like that’s one of the only hopes. We had a chance to end covid in other ways but our government leaders and greed from corporations failed us. Yet even with that, I know that if a treatment using some kind of super effective antibodies or such is developed, it’ll probably still be kept from many people by corporate greed. But still I hope for the future even if that hope is dim.

Until then I’m largely housebound. And I will forever be changed by this pandemic, largely not for the better. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to trust people in general again. I’m not sure how I would cope if covid suddenly disappeared from the face of the planet, like with magic. Maybe I would just completely lose it. Maybe I’d bounce back completely in a few months. (Unlikely. I’m still disabled and chronically ill from pre-covid times. My life would still have big challenges.) But I’m pretty sure it won’t disappear suddenly.

And I’m so very tired.

[weezeryuri]

i dont have much experience w emotional stuff i wish i could physically help you. if i had a good job and my own place i would literally fly out and pick you up and take you with me and we could be weird gay roommates im being 100% genuine. there are a lot of physical therapy exercises that can be done from bed, i could explain my own routine if you want (i found it overwhelming when i just looked up vague terms) (but i dont remember most of the exercise names so ive just got weird descriptions sorry </3). i wish i could take you out to the mall to sit on a bench for extended periods of time and look around at stuff and buy snacks from the grocery store for lunch instead of going to a restaurant bc its cheaper.

ive seen a couple other ppl say "i totally relate" w a major misunderstanding of your actual situation so idk i dont want to feel like Another random anon who doesnt Actually get it. but like for example ive never seen anyone other than you understand that long distance relationships and internet friendships dont rlly make up for the genuine isolation of being mostly housebound and agoraphobic. you make me feel like im not alone.

i hope you feel better in the morning. i love you i love you i love you

anon i am clasping our hands together so sincerely and lovingly and hugging you so tight it knocks the breath out of you a little. this is one of the sweetest messages i’ve ever gotten and i am so grateful to hear such a kind thing

don’t worry about the exercise stuff i’m already doing everything i can do with daily stretches and stuff it just hasn’t done much to reassure me. i’m also seeing a doctor but the progress is so slow and my next appointment isn’t until after my birthday and it has me pulling my hair out

lately i’ve been thinking about taking the money i got from my dad’s life insurance when he passed away and somehow put it towards funding a way out but lack of adult skills and experience has me clueless on where to even start with it all

you are always welcome to message me off anon and maybe we can maybe talk a plan out or even just chat for the sake of hanging out w someone you can relate to. im more than happy to keep each other company especially if you relate to me as much as you say

i love you dearly as well and again i am so grateful to hear something so kind. i hope things get better someway somehow <3

[gatalentan]

I'm 32 years old now, sitting on a bench.

Inside me is a 20 year old sitting on a windowsill.

I developed myalgic encephalomyelitis (m.e. or "chronic fatigue syndrome") when I was around 14. It's post-viral, like long-covid, and has much of the same symptoms (though overwhelming fatigue from small actions and muscular pain, predominantly), in varying degrees from person to person. I don't know exactly when it happened. I had a lot of infections as a kid, it could have been any one of them.

What I do know is that it snowballed in a slow way that felt like my body was being dismantled bit by bit. Over time, I lost the ability to walk. And then stand. And then sit, until eventually I became almost completely bedbound, but certainly housebound, roombound. I was in pain all the time. I had a migraine all the time. I was sick all the time. 

In the gaps between, on the good days, where the symptoms were manageable, I could go to school, go to class, see friends, make bad choices, get bullied, finish my exams, normal teenage things, good and bad. But the good days became scanter and scanter, until by the tail end of my teens all I knew was my four walls and my bed.

I cannot express to you how being trapped in one room makes you into a fundamentally weird person. And I don't just mean psychologically, because, obviously, duh. But people talk about depression making you numb, and it does, but I was very literally numbed.

It was the sensory deprivation. The only time I left the house, my room, for about 4 years was for hospital appointments. I went weeks or months without feeling so much as a breeze, or even a draught from a door opening. No sun, no cold bite, no rain. Just the same dead air, absolutely stagnant, day in and day out, for years. It was like if you put a blindfold over my senses. The only real sensory input I had was the physical pain of my disability, whatever food I was given (shelf stable, room temperature, packaged), and whatever I listened to on my headphones. For years.

And I mean only too, because what the illness also did was fuck up my sleep. On a bad day, I'd sleep over 24 hours. My record was 32. And when I was awake, it was for maybe 5 hours at a push. When you sleep that much, statistically, I woke up to the rest of the house already asleep, the world outside asleep, for those five small hours, more often than not.

So for months, years, I was alone in a dark, silent room with dead air, lit by the only lamp I could reach from my bed, eating food left on a tray on the floor for me by my parents, in excruciating pain. I would sometimes go weeks without our clocks aligning. Just my own head, looping the same thoughts, because nothing happened, so nothing was new. Talking to no-one, seeing no-one, touching no-one, but knowing life was going on around me. 

My school friends were growing up, going to college, university, getting married, having children. I'd see their posts on Facebook, like I was looking through a window. I deleted my Facebook.

I was in suspended animation. 

I got sent to inpatient physio in my early 20s, for three months, five hours from home. I got specialised treatments. I learned to walk again. I could do things again. I could see people again. I could go outside again. I could live a mostly normal life. I got therapy. It helped.

But I was still in suspended animation.

I'm still in suspended animation.

I'm walking around, and living my life, but I'm still in that room.

I know that whenever I go walk the dog and it's cold or it's windy or it starts raining and I just start crying, and crying because I can feel.

For a lot of years, after being freed, I pressed everything down, refused to live, because everything was too new, too much. I developed depression that was worse than when I was locked up, because I was grieving what I'd lost. I'll always be grieving what I lost. But I have to live now, because she couldn't.

When I say I'm happy to be alive it sounds like a platitude. But I'm not talking about getting to experience life and opportunities, I mean on a very physical, fundamental, biological level, I am happy to be alive. 

I get to stand by the water and watch the sea come in - I can hear it, smell it, taste it, see it, feel it. Being fully aware of your own sensory experiences and the absolute miracle they are is what I've been left with. It's hard for me to do things without full commitment, anymore, because everything is so much and I want to feel all of it. I take so many photos, all the time. If I go for a walk somewhere nice, it's like I almost can't take it all in at once. Like I'm Bruce Bogtrotter trying to eat that chocolate cake in Matilda. I want to experience it and hold onto it and remember it and take all of it in and lick the plate clean, too.

It's all the time, even in the small, everyday things. I don't look for it, it's just there. The rattle of a poorly maintained bus engine under my seat. The smell of bakery section at the supermarket. Hot toast with half melted butter sticking to my lips. The jingle of ice cubes on glass. Birds calling to each other. Other peoples' cigarette smoke on my clothes. The dog smacking his tail against my leg under the table. Making a joke and getting a laugh. 

You're always being touched, but until it was taken from me, I had no quantifiable concept of how much, how often, and how much I was missing. I just knew that it was missing.

I wasn't alive, I wasn't living, but now I am. 

I'm a 20 year old who painfully climbed up on the windowsill in the middle of the night to feel the breeze on her face for the first time in months, who is crying, and crying. 

I'm a 32 year old sitting on a bench under a tree in the rain and giving it to her.

[wishful-seeker]

Im gonna talk about physical disability/ chronic illness

i diagnosed myself

Well kinda

My therapist, like yours, had a patient with crps (complex regional pain syndrome) and i had been suffering from an undiagnosed chronic joint pain that left me bedridden for over 2 years and housebound. She said my symptoms were similar to her other patient and advised me to try ketamine. She is not a doctor.

So i find a local ketamine place, and a nurse practioner, who does NOT have the authority to diagnose me, agrees i have crps and we began infusions without a diagnosis. It worked. Like REALLY worked. So i knew i had crps.

I had been to countless doctors, mostly rheumatologists, literally begging and crying for even 𝘭𝘰𝘸 𝘥𝘰𝘴𝘦 𝘴𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘰𝘪𝘥𝘴, 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘢𝘮𝘦 𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘥 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘨𝘦𝘵 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘧𝘭𝘶 and they wouldn't even give me that. Keep in mind crps is rated one of "the most painful chronic pain conditions known to man" rating higher suffering than cancer pain, amputation, and childbirth. AND THEY WOULDN'T GIVE ME MEDS ANY ADULT CAN GET WHEN HAVING A COLD. Rheumatologists are literally the cruelest, most cowardly people i have EVER met. They literally had the audacity to say "i don't feel COMFORTABLE treating you."

So, i asked my primary care doctor (bc the rheumatologists wouldn't) if she could refer me to a neurologist, she did, i saw her and said i was looking to be tested for crps. She said ok, i did a brain mri and a very painful test where im stabbed with needles that shock me to record my brains response. Afterwards the neurologist said "tests are negative" i said "i thought crps had no test, does this mean i don't have it?" She said "your right, there is no definitive test, but i actually can't diagnose it, its not my expertise."

When she left the room i hit the medical bed as hard as i could and sobbed. 4 years, 4 YEARS of this literal interaction over and over again. This one really broke me because she made us spend money and makes me go through painful tests KNOWING she couldn't diagnose me. She got my hopes up, waisted my time and money. After that my mind and body were done, there was no way i could handle that interaction again.

So i searched "CRPS doctor near me" and found one 40 minutes away, i called, and because he was a new doctor there i didn't need a referral, and got an appointment. I HAD TO DO THAT MYSELF, ALL ON MY OWN because doctors either didn't know where to send me or "didn't think i had crps" (its a rare disease, most nurses don't even know what it is.)

So, i go to my appointment, i tell him my story which is about 5 minutes. He can see that my feet are red/purple while talking to me (one of the symptoms) as soon as im done talking he says:

"So yeah, crps is really tough to treat, its a long road, but we can try physical therapy, ketamine, and lyrica-"

I interrupt him "wait, you're saying i have it?"

"Yes."

"And you can officially diagnose it?"

"Yes."

"Like on paper?"

"Yes."

He diagnosed me without touching me, looking at me, no tests. 𝘐𝘵 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘣𝘭𝘢𝘵𝘢𝘯𝘵𝘭𝘺 𝘰𝘣𝘷𝘪𝘰𝘶𝘴 𝘪 𝘩𝘢𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘥𝘪𝘴𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘥 4 𝘺𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘴 𝘰𝘧 𝘴𝘵𝘶𝘱𝘪𝘥 𝘤𝘶𝘯𝘵𝘺 𝘥𝘰𝘤𝘵𝘰𝘳𝘴 𝘤𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥𝘯'𝘵 𝘧𝘪𝘨𝘶𝘳𝘦 𝘪𝘵 𝘰𝘶𝘵.

My mom started crying, i have a really hard time processing big stuff so i stayed calm, listened, asked questions, and then it was done. Mom pulled over in the car to cry more.

I had to diagnose myself

I had to find my doctor myself

If it wasn't for my therapist and nurse practioner who knows how many more years I'd have to wait.

Moral of the story: good therapists save lives, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘳𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘧𝘶𝘤𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘨𝘶𝘵.

i got paired up with a new therapist who specializes in and works primarily with neurodivergent patients. i felt comfortable enough to tell her that i'm autistic. she asked if i've ever received a formal diagnosis- i said no, because i've attempted in the past and i've been turned down because i'm "too articulate," i "speak too well," and they see my feminine deadname and that i'm legally AFAB and dismiss me, because "women can't be autistic".

my therapist told me that self-diagnosis is valid.

as we continued to talk through that session, she readily pointed out several autistic behaviors that i had been displaying without even realizing; i began infodumping about queer history and psychology without even realizing it, which she pointed out and then remarked that those are definitely special interests of mine. i felt floored. i knew these things about myself, but she acknowledged them effortlessly without hesitation.

in the next session, she pointed out that my tendency to re-analyze social interactions well past the time that they are over is also an autistic trait, and that i wasn't ruminating anxiously, but rather that's just how many autistic people process- we "over" analyze things in ways that allistics do not. it's difficult for many of us to figure out the entirety of what's happening in the moment, we process over time.

after that, she told me that during our next session, she wanted to spend that appointment talking about my special interests so she could get a better picture of me- specifically using that wording, calling them special interests.

after years of trying and failing to get acknowledgement for my neurotype, all it took was one therapist who specializes in neurodivergence to see the signs. one. sometimes all it takes is one person to make the difference. don't give up if you think you are autistic and are struggling to get a diagnosis or just recognition for it. it doesn't mean you're wrong. the average allistic knows nothing about how autism actually presents itself, only what they know from media, memes and mean jokes. sometimes all it takes is meeting one person who knows what autism looks like.

don't give up. you know who you are.

[confessionsofa-roleplayer]

Hello, I was wondering if I could get some help as I committed probably multiple faux pas’. I’d like help/advice on certain things with my partner. 

Basically the situation:

- I made the mistake of agreeing to join one of my friend’s servers. It’s mostly a mistake for two reasons. One is the server is a RP group server. One on one action already is EXTREMELY hard for me, nevermind a group of strangers. As people legitimately scare me a LOT. It already took a lot for me to learn how to communicate adequately with my one rp-partner turned friend.

Two is the RP genre is something greatly out of my comfort zone. It’s something I’m not confident in my abilities to do AT ALL whatsoever [despite my rp partner’s repeated reassurances]. Considering I’ve only had negative experiences recently anytime I’ve tried to rp anymore, I feel incredibly wary. Especially since my level of confidence is already in the negatives.

The things I’d like help communicating better [vs my choppy methods]:

1. that they should really lower their expectations/hopes of me actively/greatly participating in their group. They’re GREATLY hopeful I’ll actively participate in the group a lot. I fucked up here the most, as I did probably raise her hopes without thinking about it. And I don’t know if I’ll be able to successfully stay in their group without bailing.

2. That I will essentially never feel safe/good about it despite them promising to help me settle in/keep safe. I’d prefer a gentler way to say it, cause I feel if I say it like this it’ll upset her/hurt her feelings.

3. The extent of my fear of people. As they already know I’m afraid of people a little bit…. But they don’t know that they’re essentially the only person I literally talk to outside of my parents and doctors/counselors. They don’t know I’m essentially housebound due to how intense my fear is. Im not sure how to bring it up or if I should even bring it up

One more thing I’d like help with in the future:

- Pretty much how to compromise in the future as this friend and me have very different interests that are worlds apart. 

I’ve tried to compromise before but I either end up dominating everything and they end up bored and unhappy or vice versa.

An example:

- They like to rp your typical high-school teenage domestic romance plot [with supernatural stuff]

- I like to rp stuff in the realm of semi-realistic fiction; except in short I like stuff like the mafia/crime genre and I don’t really like to rp as supernatural creatures [as I’m not confident in my ability to creature supernatural characters AT ALL]. 

I have no objections to my friend rping as supernatural creatures, but she seems unhappy when I don’t rp as a supernatural creature too. This is where we’re running into problems in regards to compromising. :/

i’m going to answer this based on your issues and move from there because it’ll be better that way instead.

for the whole getting their hopes up and having joined that server, you’re allowed to leave the server and your friend should understand that. simply state that you’re not very comfortable in the environment and that you feel overwhelmed in such an environment. let your partner know that for the future. but also, what i like to do in servers that are highly active is mute the server for only mentions so i’m not feeling like i have to constantly check it every second of the day. stuff like that really makes me anxious and so i let people know and they’re understanding of the situation.

this ties in with the first, but let her know that you have to be the one to ease yourself in. being thrown into stuff like that can be troubling and really overwhelming. i know, and i try my hardest but boy does it really screw with me to the point where my mental health plummets.

here’s the biggest thing people always forget, you can have an rp friend without actually having to write with them. i’ve had so many because interests are conflicting or we don’t see eye to eye on something. maybe the best thing for now would be to just talk about what you guys are doing and write apart for a bit while maintaining contact. everyone always thinks that to keep a friendship going you have to do everything together and that’s not true. i’ve had so many friends where we talk about what we’re doing while doing our own things.

do our followers have anything to add?

[imperialpurple]

A little thing about piracy

I just saw the Raven Cycle author  Maggie Stiefvater go off about this.  And yes, Piracy is wrong.  I get it, I see authors complain about this all the time.  Yet, it's always about money, all about the viability of their books, or how piracy almost made it impossible to publish their next book series. Yet, I don't see none of yall talking about poverty, about library accessibility for disabled folx like me, about how Trump and his little minions are closing down libraries left, right, and center. 

I'm agoraphobic and housebound. My library doesn't have a mail it in option for people like me. If I want to pay a fine, I literally have to leave my house and pay them IN PERSON.  This is the San Antonio Public Library system. And yes, we have an ebook section but honestly, the selection for that is shit.  Also buying ebooks all the time is fucking expensive, and it can take a toll on a budget that is strapped for money.

It's one of the reasons I rarely read original books and stick to fanfic these days. I literally can't afford them. Although I mostly get by doing Kindle Unlimited, I'm lucky I can afford it. There are a lot of poor and disabled people who simply can't afford it.

Piracy is wrong and it's like stealing from the author. And yeah, there are plenty of people who can afford to go to a store and actually buy a book or a movie who are just outright stealing for shits and giggles. THIS IS WRONG! IM NOT DEFENDING IT OR JUSTIFYING THOSE PEOPLE���S ACTIONS. Yet, every time I see this conversation not ONE fucking author talk about poverty and accessibility.

It's all about the money. It's all about their career and nothing else.

So you guys can miss me with this talk about piracy talk until you can a full nuanced discussion about why piracy occurs in supposedly one of the richest countries in the world.

[solidburnreturned]

by popular demand, here is my oc chatter regarding stuff like relationships n random character traits. its rly long oops but i divided it by character at least lmao,, these are all things that i think id also wanna use if i ever use these characters as humans (which i def will at some point honestly)

- i thinkkkk i want toad and pike to date. toad would come across pike in their lagoon one day while hes wandering around on another wonked exploration and pike is like hey lol :B with their pointy teeth and long ass hair and toad is like :0 he just sits and talks with pike for hours and comes by a few times a week to hang out with them. they fall in LOVE

- fred and lani are def gonna date too. two butches who use he/him pronouns fuck yeah? they have a powerful relationship. mega BDE. power couple. not a lot of pda but alone together theyre both very loving and tender, its a vulnerability thing for both of them. like lani is very cool and can be either stoic or borderline obnoxious while fred is punkish. fred is very head over heels for lani tho 

- mardi n berg.....complicated....i gotta figure out how they actually end up together. berg is a jogger and mardi is a piercer/tattoo artist so that doesnt....make them line up very much in that department. ill think about it more and figure something out. itll probably have something to do with berg’s nose stripes and eye rings

- also side note on mardi......i want his backstory to include a grey period set off by his brother being eaten when they were both young at the troll tree. like he becomes angry and depressed, sorta like branch, his tattoos that he gives himself the only color on his body, until he learns to let go and his colors come back (high key this was inspired by 21 savage, mardi’s voice claim, and the line in his new song A Lot “my brother lost his life and it turned me to a beast”). ill develop this idea further but i just wanted to get it written down

- bismuth.......unsure. they had a crush on pepper and kept trying to ask her out until she came out to them as a lesbian, then they were like :’) but theyre ride or die theyre not gonna be an ass to her because they cant date her. they just care a lot about her. its like icarly

- gazpacho and jupiter CUTE two small trans trolls in That Love. i need to develop them more but. theyre just cute 

- talia is still a little too new for me to develop her......but im thinkin about it...

- kinda same with ernie and olive. they kinda mostly just exist as cute babby characters right now? if anything olive is a trouble maker and ernie is a chatterbox

- clem and thursday also fuckin cute as hell......clem was a nervous wreck asking thursday out but theyve been together like ever since, which is more than a few years. they have a rly cute gentle lovey dovey relationship. thursday is usually hanging around up on her gf’s shoulder giving her kisses on the cheek

- bea and crystal.......adorabl relationship......crystal is another character thats kinda nervous but bea is so chill n confident is helps calm her down. theyre both trans and love the hell out of each other. rly slow n steady relationship, bea is very patient

- pj and marcus!!!! dumb mlm rep relationship. pj is so so gay for marcus he can barely comprehend it. its a dumb ego boost for marcus but hes also very in love with pj, he just expresses it in a weird cocky way idk marcus is a nerd. i need to make more content for them i think about these two way more than it seems

- dwight!! he has a boat. he lives on the boat.....ive thought about maybe pairing him with toad and pike. deciding on his voice claim has been the most difficult thing ever

- kass and current HELL yeah buff gf and tol gf......they spar with swords and wrestle for fun and hang out at the beach a lot. kass fuckin loves the gem on current’s back. i gotta make more content for them 

- celia......i wanna do more with celia. friends with berg probs theyre both sporty. shes just a sweet giant troll who loves mushrooms. i gotta pair her with someone whose palette goes nicely with her pastels 

- carrot and harriet are literally cricket and tilly from big city greens just older. yeehaw siblings. havent thought about relationship stuff with harriet yet.....i think she also needs ANOTHER redesign her colors are just too heavy still. maybe if i can make her colors compliment celia’s that could work as a pairing? hm hm.....carrot tho is dating ford’s oc rye theyre gentle country gays

- rainer. hm. i dont think theyre rly the dating type......theyre just chill with being them. they just wanna swim and be funny

- hammond and andromeda are probs two of my least developed characters.....hammond still needs a redesign. he might be cute to pair with walter, theyre around the same age. andromeda tho i have no idea. she might be a nice pairing with eve? if i ever feel like pairing her with someone...who knows. eve is very carefree and might find andromeda’s energy too intense

- radish i wanna make more content for!! i rly like her a lot....i think shes another troll who isnt interested in dating. shes very focused on being a chef instead. loves her friends a lot!

- mack and pepper 2gether 4ever obvs......they have a relationship that gets richer with age for sure

- im just gonna ramble about mack. i thinkkkkkkk i wanna make her half latina? columbian specifically. she doesnt quite read as white and i didnt make her with the intention of making her white. anyway i love mack a whole lot and should really develop her backstory more. its not rly as like...””tragic”” or whatever as pepper’s i know that but she def has layers. i wanna give her whole family more depth. she has a very complicated relationship with her own feelings and motivations that i need to think about more fully. my powerful femme tho i lov her

- mack’s parents, robin and champagne, i need to like....think about them more. they have kinda a comedic relationship thats sorta inspired by roger rabbit and jessica rabbit. robin is a very caring, gentle troll who’s very smart and cares a lot about his nursing responsibilities in the village. champagne is very relaxed and the “voice of reason” character of the family. she loves a good party and has her party planning down to a science. both are very successful power parents. kickass family

- i already talked about topaz and marney in a separate post but i still love them both so much. big wesbiabs

- pepper....pebber. im gonna talk about her the most obviously gfhjdkrs i wanna talk about her mental health i feel like i think about it a lot but i never write about it explicitly? this is gonna be long oops hgjfksd she has depression and ptsd stemming from the trauma of her crash...im thinking she also has adhd and thats just something shes always had. her depression rly got heavy during her recovery and right after like...she hated being bed/housebound and felt rly powerless to her situation and just let it eat at her until her personality had actually changed considerably. like extroverted wild child rebel to introverted, soft-spoken sulker. this got better with time but she still is pretty introverted, just turned her moodiness into chill energy. 

- she has bad depression habits like letting dishes, old food, laundry, or just stuff pile up in her room until it gets overwhelming and she spends like two days just manically cleaning; or staying in bed for way longer than she should and messing with her hygiene; or eating way more or way less than she should eat in a day. just stuff thats hard to completely break out of when youre recovering. her color is pretty consistently the dark red but if shes having a particularly rough day she might look a little paler, or like a muddy brick color at her worst. thats kinda rare tho

- her ptsd is the thing she hates the most. for a while it made her feel very weak and she’d beat herself up over being traumatized by the crash which was obviously not helpful to her mental state but she was really all over the place during her bodily recovery. its part of the reason why she started working out, she wanted to reclaim some sort of feeling of strength and power that she felt she’d lost completely. she still gets really frustrated with this feeling of loss but she gets a lot of support from loved ones which has helped her not self-blame so much. her ptsd manifests mostly as nightmares/insomnia, chronic headaches/stomachaches, intrusive thoughts and sometimes flashbacks. the nightmares are what rly get to her, she really doesnt get a lot of good sleep and it can get to the point where she just doesnt want to sleep sometimes and she’ll stay awake until she crashes hard

- her scars used to be a big trigger for her ptsd, which is why she has her bangs covering the one on her face and wears long pants (her knee braces are too bulky for pants and would force her to wear shorts which would force her to expose her scars). she just. really really hates them. this is something she struggles with for a majority of her life

- once she and mack start going steady with their dating and start consistently sleeping in the same bed, pepper starts to sleep better. she still has nightmares that wake her up at least weekly, but having mack there to comfort her (whether she wakes mack up accidentally or if mack is already awake) helps a TON with getting her back to sleep soundly. it also just helps her sleep in general to have that comforting, loving presence in her bed snuggled up to her ;w; mack is a big help in general with pepper’s mental health, pushing pepper to make better, healthier choices and get out in the village more and have fun. mack for sure does not “”cure”” pepper of anything but shes a very positive light in pepper’s life that helps her pull thru tough times!

- i love all my goofy trolls so much. its so fun to just chill and blab about them to relax between working on big projects ;o; ty if u cared enough to read this whole thing ur so rad

[queengeekrose]

Setbacks and Mental Health

As some of you know, I started streaming on Twitch last summer, in July, as a way to help me manage my mental health and deal with some of my issues that I have because I'm almost completely housebound. Being housebound like I am means I have very little interaction with other people, except online, and what I do have tends to be limited to doctors and other people who are also ill, or to people who are seeing me in a very limited set of circumstances, most of which are not positive, and people tend to judge me rather harshly for, for a variety of reasons. It makes my introverted nature and extreme shyness and social anxiety a lot harder to deal with, especially since I hear a lot of very rude comments whenever I go out, because I have very good hearing, and sadly, I am far too used to hearing this type of thing. I've been hearing abusive comments thrown at me since I was old enough to understand words, from one person or another. Most of them I can just let roll off my back, but some bother me, a lot. I get triggered, in the true meaning of the word, by some of the comments and I start to backslide into mental health issues that are scary and it can take days, week, or even longer to pull myself back out of those pits. I haven't really talked about it with anyone online, honestly, but maybe I should. Maybe I should bare my soul and be honest about what happened to me over time, instead of just hinting at things and letting people draw their own conclusions. It might help me deal with things too. I'm not really sure.

Some of the things I've taked about in my writing, extensively, happened to me. Others I drew from experiences I helped others get through. All of them however do have more than a large helping of truth to them, when I was describing the hardships of abuse, mental torture, rape, violence, kidnapping (someone I knew in college was grabbed by an ex and held against her will for about six days, she was extremely traumatized and had to leave school because of it by the end of the semester and ended up moving in with me for a few weeks before that, because she felt safer around me than anyone else), eating disorders, anxiety and panic attacks, and painful shyness. I have even talked a bit about PTSD in my stories, and ADHD. All of these things I'm pulling from my own experience, to make my writing as real and human as possible, even though I'm trying to write a character other people can relate to as well. What I'm trying to do is flesh out enough realism to give 'you' a backstory without taking over whatever headcannon you are creating for yourself in the story, when I do that, so I borrow very heavily from my own experiences to keep the experience geniune and grounded. I want thing to be so real you can picture them vividly in your head and immerse yourself, not get lost because something seems inauthentic or wrong, so I tend to pour myself into the writing, more and more, as time goes on. And it's somewhat cathartic too, to a degree, to write about some of the issues I've been through. Don't misunderstand me in anyway please. It's still extremely hard to think about to talk about with anyone and still feels like an open and bleeding stab wound most days, but maybe now it feels like the knife has been removed and the bleeding has slowed a bit, to the point it's not so dangerous anymore. I can cope with things a lot better, most of the time. My writing gave me a lot of my mental piece of mind back.

And then I found streaming and the online communities on Discord and Twitch. This really turned around a lot more then. I had suffered a major mental setback when my father died, even though we were estranged, for a variety of reasons, and mental health had reached an all time low. I went to a doctor and started some new medicines, which helped, slowly, and after about four months on them, I was able to function somewhat normally again a bit. That's when I found Twitch and really threw myself into streaming, modding, and Discord, communicating with people that way. It helped me pull myself back out a lot faster and basically reset my mental health meter to normal much more quickly and stay balanced, with fewer slips. I still had a few day to day struggles with things, like remembering to eat, something I had gotten out of the habit of doing much of, or really at all, when my mood swung started to slip. It had been nearly a year, really, since I had eaten normally, if I'm being honest. That means, as of writing this, in February of 2019, it's been over two years of me having little to no appetite, often skipping meals or forcing myself to eat just one meal a day. I had a lot of medical treatments in there too that made me nauseated and I threw up anything I did eat. Sadly, I never lost a large amount of weight and I am still rather overweight. I did lose some, not that I was really trying to at any point, I just haven't had the appetite or desire to eat anything and facing for often seems like too much for me.

Twitch helped me find people with similar interests and helped me find new areas I was able to absolutely shine in. It didn't matter that my legs didn't work normally, I had a natural talent for keeping communities in line as a moderator on streams for other people. So what if I was a bit overweight? I could make badges and emotes that people liked. Who cared if I struggled with shyness in person? The internet was a great buffer and it meant I never actually saw who I was talking to directly in my streams. I was just talking to names. And yes, sadly I did get trolls. But not that many really, compared to a lot of women I've talked to. I figured it was just soemthing I'd have to live with. Mostly I got them early in my streaming career and they came in and heckled me about my weight, I kicked them out and it was over, I moved on, no harm no foul. I mostly even forgot about them pretty immediately. They didn't leave any lasting impact on me because as I said, I've been hearing that kind of comment, or ones like it all my life.

The trolling I got last week on Wednesday night was different though. For the first time ever it was very sexual in nature. It made me extremely uncomfortable. There were three trolls involved as well. The first was fairly harmless, just egging the second on, who I warned several times, then timed out and eventually banned. The third crossed several lines and has caused me so much emotional and mental distress I have been struggling with severe relapses of my major depressive disorder, PTSD, and even dissociating, which my family doesn't know about. I don't know how to tell them about it. They think it's just me spacing out or my mind wandering, not that I'm literally unable to answer and I lose chunks of time, even if I've answered. I didn't even realize I had been dissociating again until a friend told me he had said things to me and I couldn't recall any of those conversations, nor most of the evening really. I realized I had large gaps in my memory of what had been going on with small breaks in the fog that were clear, what usually happend when I'm having my episodes, and I knew I had to do something. I had to take a step back. I don't dissociate unless something is seriously wrong, obviously.

Now, I'm sure all of you are wondering just what happpened that triggered me so badly that night. I'll explain. First, those two trolls shook me up pretty badly. Like I said, I'm extremely introverted and streaming is already a struggle for me a lot of the time, even if I put on a good front and can act like it's no big deal. Inside, I'm terrified. It wears be down and wears me out. Dealing with trolls in my own stream is hard on me. (On other people's channels, I have no problems, when I'm the mod. I know it's my job and they trust me to handle things.) Secondly, there was a later troll who came into the stream who sent me a direct message, without ever addressing the stream, asking me personal questions like what I was wearing, then trying to buy my panties for insanely large amounts of money. That triggered my PTSD very badly. In college, I had had a guy attempt to sexually assulat me and call me a whore, offering me increasing large amounts of money, much the same way. I only got away because I kicked him off me and screamed for campus security, who heard me and hauled him off. I never told my family about it, mainy because I hate talking about it and don't want to bring it up. I will say though, I don't think he was getting up quickly from my kick at the time. It was before I was in a wheelchair and I had a very powerful set of legs and actively practiced kickboxing. But regardless of that, it triggered me very, very badly the other night, and I'm still suffering occassion episodes. I have a doctor's appointment scheduled very soon, and I intend on talking to her about what to do then, if things haven't gotten back to normal by then, but in the mean time, I'm immersing myself in my usually stress relieving activities and taking a short break from Twitch and twitter to get my mental health back in order.

Sadly one of the side effects of all the mental health issues I struggle with is terrible insomnia. It means many nights I'm unable to sleep, or sleep only a few hours. I know it makes my friends and family worry, but I can't help it. It's all my brain is letting me get. I nap when I can. If I try to sleep more, I have horrible, terrifying nightmares and sleep paralysis. I also just can't sleep. I'm really trying to do my best here everyone. Please know that. I appreciate the worry. Just know I'm still here, struggling on, one day at a time. That's the real meaning behind #PMA (Positive Mental Attitude) after all. Just doing my best, moving forward a day at time and not giving up. It's also why I try to pay it forward as much as I can and make sure everyone else is happy and taken care of too. Stay safe and happy everyone. I love you all!

QueenGeekRose

[midnightmisadventures]

Also i had a millionnnnn dreams. I cant even remember them all.

One literally the core 4 and I kept going to chipperfield like being spontaneous fun people and driving from state college at 2am to chip on the weekends and breaking in like that was our SPOT. It was so weird, we'd just like order food and stay up and lay on moms bed or be in the dining room. Like alll our old furniture was there and it was def illegal to be there but it just felt like summer nights. Like sweaty idk and comfy wearing shorts.

And the power would flicker sometimes and it was scary but idk it was an abandoned house? So it was fine. So also theyre were random animals like a wild feret and little cats ans stuff which was fine but IN THE MF HOUSE SOMETIMES WAS THIS HUGE MOOSE. Like i get that moose are way to big to be housebound but it was here in the dream and also kinda looked like a bull.

So it would walk around and mind its business and we mostly stayed upstairs but it was so scaryyy. So one night we were chilling in the dining room eating and talking and because we were chilling downstairs i kept seeing the moose walk around slow and saying "guys is that gonna kill us, like im so scared" just on edge and ny friends didnt really care. So then he literally came into the exact room as us and was staring at us and i was scared i was stunned. Ans then he used his antlers to reach down and take food fom my plate and i didnt argue but i was so close to him shivering scared. So then i let him take my food but i got up to quick and it looked like it wanted to charge so i started backing away slowly and was so scared. And i said guys should we leave? Its gonna kill us. So everyone said yes. And as soon as i was backed far away enough i ran to find shoes but was willing to leave everything like i was like we have to get OUT. And yea we all ran to the car and i got in the car and felt safe there.

[foxpunk]

tmi health issues and body image vent dnt rblg

im tiredddd of being sick all the time and like. im tired of how i view my body because of being sick because literally id never think this if it was anyone else but me i KNOW im being unfair to myself i KNOW im stuck in an unhealthy view of myself but i keep just. feeling like im Gross and unattractive and the only thing good about me being my face and even THATS iffy sometimes

i keep thinking im gross i have gross health issues that everyone is going to think are gross.

ive got bowel issues, and recurring shingles, and fucking. psoriasis?? psoriasis??? at 25??? all of this at 25 and not to mention im like. well. im not nearly as bad as i was last year but im still Underweight and do not. look healthy. im sickly looking and i know it.

i dye my hair to hide how unhealthy it can get at times because my shit body doesnt absorb nutrients well enough

even before quarantine im mostly housebound so i keep getting paler

my joints swell up red if i overdo it or during flare ups, and my legs get discolored from bad circulation.

i scar dark and long so all the scars i get from shingles and psoriasis stand out super bad, not to mention i pick at each and every little bump on my skin. and not to mention that the psoriasis itself looks weird and it keeps popping up on my hands and back and im pretty sure i have it on my scalp now not just on the one little spot near my hairline on my cheek

i have a lip biting issues (is it a bfrb? who knows! not fuckin me!!) and nevermind that the inside of my mouth is full of scar tissue, my lips are almost always bleeding and it looks gross and it hurts.

and dont even get me started on how my digestive system issues get me so self conscious i could scream or cry or both. even when i was visiting my bfs during valentines and i WANTED to be intimate and there were definitely opportunities to do so (rare tho they were for various reasons) i never actually pushed thru and took those opportunities or talked about trying to create one because in the back of my head i was so self conscious abt it all and felt just. gross abt it.

im just!!! aaaaggh!!! i hate it here im mostly just tired of feeling this way abt myself. im trying to work on it, rlly i am, even tho i guess this post doesnt make a good case for that. i just! idk. needed to get it all off my chest?? in a way that makes me Feel like someones listening without actually having to talk to anyone abt this crap cause god. cant do that or ill Die probably idk. i dont talk abt things until i absolutely have to and then i Explode abt them workin on that too maybe idk i have no idea if what ive been doing actually is ahving any affect

anyways im a mess nothing new

ugh

[exostrangers]

hello, we seem to have similar tastes in shows and movies, so i was wondering if you have any recommendations of things to watch on netflix? i'm desperately looking for something to pass the time, thanks

hmm well i don’t know what you’ve currently seen or tried, but i’ll give you some of my faves that are currently up :) excluding the obvious I’m assuming? (orange is the new black, person of interest)

I’m putting this behind a cut because it got a little lengthy, haha…

SHOWS:

The Oaif you’re into weird… sci-fi-y… conspiracy… mystery… enchantment??

Stranger Thingsif, same, except in the form of the Goonies rather than… Flatliners.

SVUif you’re into crime dramas. because that’s like… my favorite binge show. & has been. for like. 10 years. more than even.

Lie To Meif you’re into crime drama thats not your TYPICAL take on crime dramas. I used to watch this one when I was in school because it’s the sort of psychology I was really into. solving crimes through facial ticks & psychology more than like… crime scenes & detective work.

Lutherif you’re not so much into crime dramas but could still go for one because man this is like… one of my top favorite shows ever. it is just. so good. but like. stop after season 3. because that’s such a good & organic & full circle ending.

The Killingif you’re into crime dramas that aren’t run of the mill week to week cases, & are more single crime well shot edge of your seat drama. also female lead. so like. positives.

Twin Peaksif you’re into fucked up shit & also a little bit crime dramas & small town weirdness. it’s a strange fucking trip but worth the watch at least once.

Portlandiaif you’re not into anything serious & want something easy, funny, & disjointed to watch to pass the time or just veg out to.

Documentary Nowif you’re into comedy & mockumentaries. it’s got some wins & some misses, but overall I enjoyed watching it.

Arrested Developmentif you’re into comedy. it’s the peak.

It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphiaif you’re into comedy. it’s up there.

Bob’s Burgersif you’re into comedy & rewatching something ten million times because it’s nice & comfortable & your safe place to fall asleep to.

Archeran adult cartoon I enjoy that isn’t a complete cringefest.

Shamelessif you’re into comedy & fucked up families.

Bojack Horsemanif you’re into comedy with a side of exestential realism. & some dread.

(the first four seasons of) Supernaturaljudge me all you want but like… this show was good for a fleeting four years before abruptly becoming a shit fest. if you’re into weekly monster/myth/cryptid hunts. the first for seasons were like little mini horror movies about every fascinating cryptid I’ve ever watched 1am youtube videos about.

Freaks & Geekslike one of the best shows ever. best high school show. GOOD SHOW. SO GOOD.

Black Mirrorif you’re into like… modern Twilight Zone horror. some episodes are a little heavy handed, but overall it’s an interesting watch.

Crazyheadif you’re into weird ass british E3 channel shit & Tracer. from Overwatch.

Jerichoif you’re into nuclear apocalypses & the struggle to survive in a world where society has fallen.

Planet Eartheveryone loves Planet Earth.

& then a few on MY to-watch-eventually list are

Santa Clarita Diet

Top of the Lake

Glitch

Penny Dreadful

Marcella

From Dusk Till Dawn

Residue

all of which I’ve heard good things about through various trusted friends.

MOVIES(now, as far as movies go I’m not CRAZY about netflix’s selection. I mostly use it for TV, but I know there are a handful of not awful ones on there. so.)

Short Term 12literally like one of the best movies on netflix right now. if you’re into indie movies about good things like a bunch of wayward young adults workin at a halfway home & the troubled youths they form relationships with. also Brie Larson & Rami Malek & Stephanie Beatriz & that guy from 10 Cloverfield Lane.

All Cheerleaders Dieif you’re into inconventional horror movies. some cheerleaders die. then are brought back from the dead. & sometimes they kill people.

The Jungle BookI’m just really excited they added this. it’s really good okay.

A Girl Walks Home Alone At Nightforeign. & long. but good if you’re into horror noir.

Heathersbecause like it’s the original Mean Girls.

Mean Girlsbecause it’s like the best high school movie of our time. hello.

Adventurelandbecause I’m a little biased & it was filmed in my city but like also Kristen Stewart?

We Need to Talk About Kevinthe movie has nothing on the book but it’s still a good watch if you’re into psychology, sociopaths, & society’s definitions of who should be responsible for people who enjoy hurting others.

It Followsbecause it’s one of the few horror movies that scares me. not because it’s like… SCARY… but because it plays on like… stress & anxiety & like… unrestful fear.

Faultsif you’re into weird indie movies. not the BEST, but I enjoyed it. also Mary Elizabeth Winstead.

Heavyweightsbecause I grew up with this movie & I recently made my friends watch it & it’s STILL GOOD.

Pulp Fictionbecause. y’know. classics.

Seeking a Friend for the End of the Worldbecause who doesn’t love dreary comedies that can make you laugh while they’re kinda sad.

Oh Brother Where Art Thou?

No Country for Old Menbecause the Coen brothers are masters.

Nightcrawlerbecause I like… love Jake Gyllenhaal but he is genuinely disturbing in this movie. & it like… makes you uncomfortable, but it’s really good?

Tucker & Dale vs Evilbecause it’s one of the best meta horror movies out there & it’s hilarious as shit.

Mementobecause everyone should watch it at least once.

Chefbecause I saw this in theaters with my family on a complete whim at like 11 o’clock at night & it wasn’t bad.

The Craftbecause TEENAGE WITCHES.

Pontypoolbecause it’s not the GREATEST but it’s a really interesting take on zombie movies & worth the watch at least once. my brothers think it’s the greatest. I think it’s okay.

& from my own to-watch-eventually list:(though none of these ones were really suggested by any friends they’re just my own little collection of things I have floating around my list to eventually give a chance)

I Don’t Feel At Home In This World Anymore

Dope

Hush

Imperial Dreams

Housebound

Antibirth

[clareyfray]

PLEASE READ: INVISIBLE ILLNESSES/CHRONIC PAIN

I want to talk to you all about Chronic Pain,

"Chronic pain is pain or discomfort that troubles a person all of the time or on and off for more than three months. Shockingly 89% of people living with chronic pain have avoided discussing it with family and friends so as not to bore them or seem annoying. According to a recent European survey, about one in four felt that colleagues, employers and doctors were unsympathetic to their pain or did not think it was a problem." - Credit 

I suffer from Chronic pain. I have two spinal diseases amongst a handful of other little problems. I too avoid the subject of discussing it with anyone and I also feel like I'm going to annoy people by talking about it.The problem with Chronic pain is that it's INVISIBLE and people only seem to understand an illness/problem if they can physically see it. 

When I use my disability holder for parking, the amount of dirty looks I get because I'm not always in a wheelchair. They presume I'm ok because I can walk and that's a stigma I wish didn't exist but it does.Even though I'm living with this persistent pain (to put it mildly) I am made to feel ashamed and that I should 'shut up and get on with life'. What these people don't understand is chronic pain varies, at least for me. Some days it's a dull, but very real, throbbing pain. Other days it's sharp and it feels like a knife is stabbing me in the back over and over again. But if I'm not at home in bed people think "Well she's obviously faking it" or "She's over exaggerating that". When in actual fact it's taken me days (literally) to summon the energy to even get out of bed. 

I don't want to live life bound to a bed, even if it means more pain. Sometimes I use a wheelchair, sometimes I use a little push trolly, sometimes I use nothing at all, but no matter what I use (or don't) I'm still in pain. Sometimes, people ask me what it's like to have chronic pain, what it feels like. Depending on the day my answer changes, sometimes it's like stepping on a lego, over and over. Other times it's like someone is punching in the back. Some other times it's not like anything at all and it's a pain you can't describe.

The point I'm trying to get across is when you see someone park in a disabled space and get out without a chair think of people with invisible illnesses like chronic pain. Not every disability requires you to use a chair. Please think before you give dirty looks or tut at me as I get out the car. 

I'm tired of living in silence about it and shutting up. I'm tired of the looks. I'm tired of the harsh words and I'm tired of the pain.I will not just 'Shut up" any longer.

Please reblog/like, spread this, it’s so important.

EXTRA: 

A list of things people often say to people with chronic pain that you should actually NEVER say. @List copied from independent  

But you look so well: Just because someone has chronic pain doesn’t mean that they look unwell. So while it might take more thought, such as pacing themselves, resting and taking pain medication, it’s not impossible to look good even when they are in pain.

Do you still have pain? Having pain for an extended period of time does not dilute the intensity of it.

You depend too much on your medication: While more people have experienced some pain, it is mostly transitory and they will not be able to comprehend what someone with chronic persistent pain is going through. This can lead to an attitude that people who have pain every day are too dependent on pain relief medication, when it is often essential for them. In fact, 40% of patients are not satisfied with the management of their pain4 so more needs to be done to help them manage their pain.

 It’s all in your head: Around 30% of people living with persistent pain feel that no one believes how much pain they are experiencing.4 We all have a friend or family member who has a propensity to moan, whether it’s not getting a good night’s sleep or contracting the man-flu. However, chronic pain is real and while it certainly can have knock-on psychological effects, it IS PHYSICAL.

Have you seen a psychiatrist? People with chronic pain are likely to have tried everything to get better and seen everyone they can. Making them feel they are not trying hard enough and making them feel like it’s ‘all in their head’ may be hurtful.

It’s just a matter of time: Most of those living with chronic pain have no concrete diagnosis or what they have is not curable, so telling them to have blind faith and just wait it out will only add to their frustration.

You should learn to live with it: When we are having a bad day, usually all we want is a sympathetic ear. People with chronic pain need to be heard and understood so listen to them and don’t brush it off with a potentially dismissive statement.

You should get out more: No one wants to be housebound but the reality is many people with chronic pain may have difficulty driving, walking and sitting, even social events can be too much.

You should feel better by now: Everyone wants to feel better and sometimes, with hard work, people with chronic pain do feel better. For some, they have to learn new ways to manage their pain but it’s not easy and they need your support, not judgement. 

Everyone has pain: Chronic pain cannot be seen or measured and often there is no cure. So try not to compare or belittle any one else's pain and if someone is managing their pain well, it doesn’t mean it isn’t there.

26% of people with chronic pain admitted to regularly avoiding talking about their pain with loved ones.  If you live with chronic pain, don’t suffer in silence

[topicprinter]

Hey - Pat from StarterStory.com here with another interview.Today's interview is with Dennis Michels (u/u/plaatjes) of Good Look Gamer, a brand that makes board and card gamesSome stats:Product: Board and Card GamesRevenue/mo: $1,600Started: January 2018Location: BRIELLEFounders: 1Employees: 1Hello! Who are you and what business did you start?Hello, my name is Dennis Michels, I run Good Look Gamer, a webstore for modern board and card games. Our products vary greatly, as new games are released daily. We take a lot of pre-orders for upcoming games, sometimes months before they are released.My customers mainly consist of adults who enjoy the challenge of a board game, competing with friends and family or cooperating in reaching a shared goal for fun or glory :)Our turnaround currently is around $1600 per month, and we’re still growing.What's your backstory and how did you come up with the idea?The start of this adventure was during a bad time in my life. I had gotten ill and was housebound for months, with no hope of returning to my regular job as an audio/video technician. I was really afraid I would never get better and would lose my job and my income. During this period I was also getting back into my old hobbies of reading comic books and enjoying board/card games to keep me occupied and take my mind off things.Me and my wife had fantasized and discussed starting our own business a few times in the past. And since I was sitting at home, not feeling very productive, I figured; hey, let’s just do this. And so I started prototyping a website, brainstorming a name and sketching logos.My wife and I came up with Good Look Gamer, with the idea of selling board/card games and geeky fashion so you can Look Good while Gaming :) Well, the clothing part never really took off, so we stuck with just selling games. And to be honest, someone playing games automatically always looks good.To start off the business I did 2 things: I began taking pre-orders for upcoming games, and I started selling off parts my old collection of gaming materials through local listings and forums. And this turned out to be a great way to raise some starting capital and to get a feel for who my customers are and what they are looking for. I was taking orders from the first week of launching the business.Take us through the process of designing, prototyping, and manufacturing your first product.Well, I don’t really manufacture my own products. I did, however, design, prototype and create my own webshop, so let’s talk a bit about that.I have a degree in graphic design and years of experience in building websites as a freelance web designer. For building my website I narrowed down the CMS I wanted to use to two candidates: WordPress or Shopify and actually built prototype webshops in both systems. Eventually, I chose to use WordPress because of a few reasons: cost, expandability, flexibility, and familiarity.Startup costs were kept at a minimum, I bought a domain name and hosting. I got myself registered with the chamber of commerce and that was it.imageDescribe the process of launching the business.I did the web design myself, the logo was suggested by an acquaintance and is… adequate. Probably need to redo that one sometime :)I researched popular online platforms for selling games, and quickly learned that there actually are only two good places to sell games professionally: eBay and BoardGameGeek (BGG as it’s known everywhere in the gaming hobby) So, my strategy was as follows:List pre-orders for sale on my website and on BGGOrder the required number of presales from my distributorShip anything that was paid forAny leftovers got to put up on eBay and listed as in-stock on my websiteRepeatDoing sales this way is how I started building up capital and stock.I was in luck as one of the first games I listed for pre-order turned out to be in-demand and I got about 10 orders for that one, which felt like a great start to me.I soon realized something about this pre-order strategy. I had no idea what the dimensions of the gamebox were and I needed to arrange packaging material for shipping the orders to my clients. The info was nowhere to be found, so I started asking around in the forums and it turned out no one really knew for sure, although it was suggested the game probably would have the standard box size. Great!What is that standard size though was my next question. Someone actually got a measuring tape and measured some of his other games in his collection that also had the standard size. Armed with that knowledge I took a gamble and bought packaging material for that size. Turned out I gambled right… what a relief. Before I knew it I was shipping out my first orders.Since launch, what has worked to attract and retain customers?I have tried so many things to attract and retain customers. I have advertised on Facebook, Google, and Instagram. I added a free shipping option. I added a loyalty rewards program. I regularly add freebies to orders. All of these with varying success.I tend to alternate my advertising efforts between various platforms and am currently looking to advertise on Reddit, see what that brings. My advertising budget is actually quite small, since I tend to invest all profits I make in new stock or upgrades to the store.The best marketing strategy for me so far has been being friendly and approachable for clients. Clients literally contact me everywhere: Instagram messages, BoardGameGeek forums, WhatsApp, SMS, Facebook messenger, etc. I make it a point to respond everywhere as fast as possible, the same day at least, but preferably within an hour or less. I always include a friendly thank you note in every order, which really gets me a lot of positive feedback from clients.Another marketing strategy for me that really works is just being everywhere my clients are. I sell board games on BGG, eBay and local listings. I sell collectible card game singles on specialized marketplaces such as cardmarket.com, eBay and local listings. And every time I make a sale via whatever platform, I include a thank you letter in the order with the details of my webshop in the footer.How are you doing today and what does the future look like?I got better after almost a year of being sick, which is great :) I went back to my job as an audio/video engineer, but actually started working a day less because I am doing good with my online business and I want it to grow. So I’m investing more time in it.I think about 80 to 90% of my sales are from outside my webshop. And I also got some local regulars currently who come by to pick up their orders and am planning some social events with them to hopefully start building a bit of a local community (and sell them my stuff :)I’m working on building 2 other websites that will act more as platforms for communities around some popular collectible games. I noticed that for some games there really isn’t an alternative to eBay for players to sell or trade their items. I’m hoping to create income from commissions on sales made by members.My long term goal is to be a full-time entrepreneur. :)Through starting the business, have you learned anything particularly helpful or advantageous?The biggest lesson I learned is Just Do It! Go chase that dream. Eventually, you will run into some problems, but don’t let that stop you.The biggest problem I ran into was accounting and taxes, it turns out I’m bad at it, very bad. After about 6 months my wife suggested I’d hire an accountant because..well… Anyway, I think I gave my accountant a severe case of migraines because my administration was a terrible mess. It really took some sessions with the accountant and some longs days together with my wife to get it all sorted.I learned that some of my peculiarities really are assets for this business. I don’t need much sleep, 5 to 6 hours per night is enough for me. All the extra time I get thanks to that is used for working; creating listings, improving the website, seeking out new products, I’m even packing orders past midnight.Another important lesson I learned for doing business is: be where your clients are. Research the platforms your clients are using, the forums they hang out in and just built your own presence on those platforms. Engage your clients, talk to them, be one of them. It really helps if you are one of the guys.What platform/tools do you use for your business?My webshop is powered by WordPress/WooCommerce. I have chosen this platform because of the low costs, high flexibility and familiarity.For invoicing and accounting I use Moneybird, which is highly automated and I love it. Any invoices/bills I receive in my email are automatically forwarded to a special Moneybird email address, which automatically adds it to my ledger. Thanks to a WordPress plugin all incoming orders will automatically create an invoice through Moneybird. It really saves me a lot of time and frustration.I’m currently looking into integrating eBay with Moneybird, so all my eBay sales also automatically get a Moneybird generated invoice. Also, I’d like to automatically synchronize my website stock to eBay. I think this would really save me a lot of work and time, so I’m also looking into how to do that.I don’t use any real productivity tools. I’ve tried plenty, but they all feel clunky, complicated and don’t really seem to save me any time.What have been the most influential books, podcasts, or other resources?I don’t listen to podcasts, because I think they are boring and I really can’t focus on work when someone is talking to me ;)I do read a lot of books, but mostly fiction. I love Terry Pratchett, Marten Toonder, Tolkien, Frank Herbert and Douglas Adams to name a few.I did start an online marketing course on Udemy a little while ago, which I’m finding quite enjoyable and inspiring. Highly recommended. I tend to watch 1 or 2 lessons per week and get inspired to take some actions to enhance my webshop or web presence. Some things I skip though, I don’t need someone explaining how to set up a Facebook page :PAdvice for other entrepreneurs who want to get started or are just starting out?Go for it, follow your dreams, you got nothing to lose. Grab any chances and opportunities you get firmly with two hands!Are you looking to hire for certain positions right now?Not at the moment. But eventually yeah. I would love to eventually get a creative artist for making unique assets like playing cards, custom meeples or tokens. Also, I’d love to someday start a Youtube channel for reviewing games, I’m not good on camera, so I’d be looking for a host.Where can we go to learn more?WebsiteInstagrameBayBoard Game GeekIf you have any questions or comments, drop a comment below!Liked this text interview? Check out the full interview with photos, tools, books, and other data.For more interviews, check out r/starter_story - I post new stories there daily.Interested in sharing your own story? Send me a PM

[theseventhhex]

Paco Sala Interview

Antony Harrison & Leyli

Paco Sala’s current release, ‘The Silent Season’, is the net result of a full tibiofemoral dislocation, a lot of surgery, a lot of really heavy drugs, a seemingly open-ended period of housebound isolation and a subsequent hazy regression to roots and influences. The record is a fever-dream, embodying the period of physical stasis and marking a shift from the outsider pop structures of previous releases with a lot of trial and error in mind. Throughout the record, Paco Sala effortlessly employs delirious, morphing synth structures intertwined with semi-lucid samples and haunting vocals… We talk to the dynamic duo about having zero structure, Grouper and architectural surroundings…

TSH: How would you sum up your creative approach as 'The Silent Season' was coming together?

Antony: 'The Silent Season' is a very definite record for us overall. Although primarily it was a surprise record in the sense that I didn't really have a start process and I wasn't really intending to write a record at all. For me, it's kind of a recovery record since I recorded the music after certain events. I had actually put some stuff together initially and the record was a collection of accidental jams more than anything else. It most definitely wasn't planned and it wasn't structured songwriting at all...

TSH: What unexpected occurrences do you feel shaped the record?

Antony: Well, I had a pretty bad sports injury and had to spend numerous months in traction. I wasn't able to leave the house or move much at all, and I was on lots of medication. The only thing I could really do was sit around in the studio and learn some synths properly. I had a couple of synths that I wanted to work out how to use for years, so what you're really hearing from my point of view on this record is me learning my way through a Korg MS2000.

TSH: Was it liberating to write music without parameters?

Antony: It was definitely cathartic. When you are writing with a structure, you're constantly thinking about things - like I normally am constantly thinking and considering where things should go, but having a process with zero structure was rewarding because of the freedom that came with it. My biggest challenge was trimming down the amount of material we had and simply finding what was usable and appealing.

TSH: How has your creative partnership evolved in recent times?

Antony: Well, we've never really written in the same room, which is quite interesting. However, we connect and combine so well with our music regardless.

Leyli: For me, the crafting process always feels very familiar. I don't tend to have a recipe or a formula; I just always end up looking for an alternative way to express myself. I prefer an isolated experience, so it doesn't matter that we're not in the same room. I just need a quiet space, which allows me to go into the music. Also, when I listen to our music, a melody often just naturally emerges. When I receive the tracks from Anthony, they are already almost complete - I just kind of improvise on top.

TSH: What are the key expressions that you feel have been captured with this latest body of work?

Antony: The significance of the record is very environmental and circumstantial. I'm overly affected by my immediate surroundings. Trivial things like the journey I take home and the weather seep into this record for me. Also, I am relatively political but if feels like the U.K. has been in a state of embattlement for years, therefore if I was to write with political anger, it wouldn't be a constructive process.

TSH: What sort of motivations do you draw on to form a track like 'JP-8000 Workout Nmbr 1'?

Antony: That's an interesting track because the melody, main bit and the keys on this track I played in one go. The funny thing is I couldn't play it again like that even if I wanted to! The process for this track was tonal for me, especially from a writing process - I played it once and that's simply how it came out. It's an interesting track and there will be a different version of it that we will look to present with vocals later.

TSH: Was 'MS10 Workout' another track entailing spontaneity mainly?

Antony: Yeah, that was another track that's just me sat with the synth in question. Again, since I had an open ended amount of time - literally like 20 hours to sit in a room with nothing else happening, this track was another one that was very much a case of constant trial and error. I was particularly intrigued by the way that sound works and the way that sounds are structured for this track. I kept trying to find a feeling via continuously trying until something felt right.

Leyli: For me, that track was very spontaneous and it came about quickly with my parts.

TSH: How is the live format for Paco Sala shaping up?

Antony: A lot of the times when we play live, we tend to only play the tracks that I can remember how to play live, which is a challenge in itself because I cannot always remember what I played with the original pieces that we improvised with. The live shows tend to be pieces that are typically in C sharp minor, because those are the only ones where I can remember what I was playing.

TSH: Grouper’s Liz Harris is certainly someone you look up to?

Antony: I'm just so impressed with how her output is totally about emotion, feeling and tone. There is nothing fancy going on with her music, it's not very sophisticated, however, it's so amazing. Her music is very immediate and very raw - I like how she simply doesn't over-process things, and that’s something that I'm very keen to do also. I don't want to be over analytical because I feel music should be immediate and there should be a rawness to it. Often whenever anything is over-processed, you simply you kill the track and overcook it.

TSH: Do non-musical factors seep into your music much?

Leyli: What I choose to watch and read will always in some way inform my music, even if it’s indirect. Also, even things I'm not aware of inspire me; like conversations around me and my surroundings…

Antony: My surroundings are a huge influence for me. I come from the North of England originally but I’ve mostly always lived in pretty run down areas in London. I'm influenced by the environment that I walk past daily – it takes me past the housing estates and the bits you don't really commonly see of London. When I moved on to this project from the old one, the shift was driven entirely by the architectural surroundings of walking home and this remains the case to this day. Also, from a sound design and music point of view, I'm somewhere buried in the 90s and even with film; the 90s is a period that inspires, interests and drives me most.

TSH: Are sports totally out of the question for you now, Antony?

Antony: Previously I was playing football four times a week, for hours and hours. Now, because of my injury, I cannot play sport anymore. I used to use sport as my output for escapism and letting go of things, this is not the case now. I’ve shifted my musical approach for ‘The Silent Season’ to a much more ambient sound and more noise orientated vibes, simply because the place that I listen to music in has changed so much. When you're at home all the time it changes the way you consume the music of others too.

TSH: What sort of exploration do you relish with future music?

Antony: I feel it's all about looking for an emotion or a feeling - it's always been this way for me. As I progress technically, I'm drawn to constantly wanting to get better at expressing, describing and feeling emotion. It's those little moments of magic that I'm always looking for. It's not so much about precision; instead I'm looking for those dreamlike nuances that are impactful. I get bored if I do the same thing twice, so I like to be open-minded. I want to explore and learn by buying new bits of kit, which will help me to not get stuck in a rut. I'll always be looking to shake things up and discover some sort of vulnerability with my music…

Leyli: I definitely agree - vulnerability is important. For me, working with Antony on this project is very natural and I’ll continue to mainly translate emotions that are genuine and raw to the best of my abilities.

Paco Sala - “Ko Yo”

The Silent Season