#mostly cause like... they got to physically feel like shit for a while during recovery... and that's scary

[sherlock-is-ace]

Obviously plastic surgery is about the person getting the surgery and nobody else. They can do whatever they want and I truly hope they're doing it for the right genuine reasons and not societal pressure and shitty beauty standards. And I hope they feel great and confident and in love with the results. But the way some people change everything that made them unique and interesting looking in order to look like Generic Rando #5 is so weird to me...

[hadesisqueer]

How do you feel about Yang and how she’s summarized in Vol. 8 as suspicious and emotional?

Late, but better late than ever. I've been waiting for this one. It's probably the longest because as I said, I make either two lines or just an entire character analysis lol. And I'm going to do it properly this time.

Okay, I straight (gay) up don't know where to start. I love Yang. I truly love Yang. She's not perfect, she has many flaws, but that's what I like the most about her. I can't help but laugh when some people say she's a Mary Sue.

Childhood, first volumes.

Yang starts the series as the funny blonde hot girl that goes around punching people. And I liked that, but I also like how she wasn't just that, as I said with Nora being the comic relief. Like, there's so much more in Yang than that, just like Weiss turned up to be much more than just the bratty tsundere.

Yang's mother abandoned her. Her other mother disappeared. Her sister was a toddler that didn't really get what was going on except her mother being gone, and her father was so depressed that for a good while, he wasn't even able to raise her daughters. Can you imagine being in that situation? I imagine she was, at most, six when that happened. She was forced to become Ruby's mother figure at six. She was forced to become the fucking adult in the house at six.

Damn, you can even see the difference between how Qrow talks to Ruby and how he talks to Yang, at least at the begining. He talks to Ruby as her uncle, as her mentor. He may tease Yang a little because she's still his niece, but when he talks to her, he always talks like she's an equal. Like, Tai still considered Yang a kid, but Qrow treats her like an adult, and knows and expects her to be the mature one. Because he saw her all those years, being forced grow up so fast. He trusts her to protect and take care of Ruby, and she trust him to protect her as well.

And damn, all of this really explains her behaviour when the series began. As Ruby got older and started to be able to take care of herself, and Tai eventually started to be functional again, Yang had more freedom. Her personality and eagerness for adventure and parties and all of that - is just her trying to make up for her sacrificed childhood. But even then she still was, out of all the girls, the most mature and nurturing of team RWBY. She is the party girl, yes. The hot headed one that will break legs. But she's still the adult of the group.

And then volume 3 happens. She gets framed in front of the entire world, two of her friends die, Beacon falls, she loses her arm in the most traumatic way possible; Weiss, her friend, is basically taken away from her and Blake -her partner, the girl she probably already had feelings for at that point- left, triggering her abandonment issues. And of course, PTSD, because she isn't fucked up enough already. She's so fucking destroyed that she can't even talk about Weiss, about Blake, about what happened. She doesn't even want talk to Ruby, because she can't stand the thought of her little sister seeing her at that state. She is not used to be the one people have to take care of, and it becomes more and more obvious in the next volumes.

Disability, recovery, abandonment issues

I like how volume 4 treats her recovery. I mean, I wish her storyline was longer, but I also like the DC comics. Now, the thing is, she isn't really recovered. In vol 4, she learns to live with her disability, she learns how to use her new arm, she learns how to fight better than she ever did before. It's about physical recovery. But is she okay? No. She hates being taken care of. She forced herself to be okay, or at least pretend she was, so Tai would let her go with Ruby. And in vol 5, she's anything but alright. She is pretending to be for Ruby's sake, because she is her mother figure and Ruby can't see her like that. She has to face her abandonment issues, she still has PTSD, and she is just not okay. Weiss notices right away, and tells her that it's okay if she is not okay. She noticed how hurt she was about Blake leaving. She just could see through the façade because if Weiss knows about anything, is about loneliness and pretending.

Her conversation with Raven at the end of the volume is just one of the best scenes, because you can just see how much Yang has grown. That scene deserves a post of its own because it's just amazing. But she finally faces one of her fears -her own abandonment issues, though they probably will always be there- and sees right through Raven. Because just like her, Raven just puts a façade to hide her own fears and insecurities, and the moment her own daughter isn't just taking any of that shit, she just starts crying. Because Yang is right. And deep down, she doesn't want to let Yang take the lamp, but she isn't just strong enough. Deep down, she wants to be in Yang's life, wants to protect her, and I think Yang knew that. But it was just too late.

More abandonment issues and relationship with Blake.

Now, to Yang, Blake coming back was huge. Not only in the terms of shipping, but as a whole. In her mind, Blake left her, just like Raven, just like Summer (though Summer didn't do it in purpose), and technically, just like Ruby, though she knew why Ruby did it and understood. But she's probably wondering “what is wrong with me that everyone always leaves me”. And she always has to be the one looking for the person who left her.

Not with Blake. After that talk with Weiss (bless the wingwoman), Yang was able to understand Blake's perspective better. But she didn't think Blake would actually ever come back, because no one ever does. But she did. Not only did she come back; literally, all Blake cared about once she entered the room and saw Yang was her (for once, someone is prioritizing her). And later, she was the one to walk and talk to the team, and tell them she didn't plan to leave again if they accepted her back. She didn't have to look for Blake because she was already looking for Yang. She was the one who made the effort, not the other way around. And to Yang, even though they still had issues to work through, even though she was still afraid at that moment that Blake would leave and break her heart again (All That Matters), that was enough to forgive her. Or at least give her another chance.

Now in volume 6 they clearly have issues. Like, Blake is very nurturing to the entire team because she feels like she has to make up. But mostly, she is trying to make up to Yang. She still feels guilty because of Adam, and she knew that Yang had already abandonment issues before she left and she probably made them worse. She was just trying so hard to be there for Yang so she could understand that she would never leave her again that she made things awkward. Yang is used to be the one who takes care of people, not the other way around. She thought that Blake “protecting her” was her seeing her a weak when actually, it was just Blake just genuinely caring about her but with the wrong words. Blake understood after that, and she changed the phrasing in the fight against Adam. Protecting each other. Equals. It really applies to the Bees relationship as a whole. “You're taking care of me, yeah, but I'm going to take care of you as well, no matter what”. For once, Yang is allowing someone to take care of her (well, except Tai, but again, she wasn't completely sincere with him, so technically she wasn't really allowing him to fully help her). And that's what I love the most about their dynamic, and why I ship it.

PTSD

Now (I'm sorry I'm taking so long), I've seen many, many people saying that Yang's PTSD is poorly written, or that the writers messed it up in the fight against Adam. Now, I have to ask those people: what the fuck do you think PTSD is?

If a Great WriterTM reads this and tries to tell me I'm wrong, or that I don't know what I'm talking about and I don't know anything about good writing and blah blah blah: I have PTSD myself. Diagnosed. So yes, I acknowledge there are many things I'm ignorant about, but I'm quite familiar about this topic. Yang's PTSD is, at least by my point of view, very well-written. It isn't perfect, but it's still far so much better than most PTSD portrayals I've seen in TV, along with Korra's. And I've seen people saying that Korra's portrayal was so much better. Well, let me tell you, it isn't, or at least I don't think it is. It's just different, because the worst thing about PTSD (and what makes it harder to treat) is that it's different for every person; sometimes it can be really severe and obvious, sometimes it seems “light”. Damn, sometimes it doesn't appear until years after the event; mine didn't trigger til I was like sixteen, and the event took place when I was around five or six. And yes, sometimes I have nightmares or flashbacks about it if something triggers me, but it isn't the whole time like some of you apparently think it is. I'm not scared 100% of the time, what the fuck.

When it comes to the fight with Adam, saying it didn't affect her: did you watch the fight? First of all, at that precise moment, Yang was so full of adredaline and too busy keeping Adam from killing Blake that I don't think her brain even realised he was the cause of her PTSD. Second of all, when he triggers it, it does affect her; she starts shaking, he's able to land hits on her that he couldn't before. But PTSD is different in every person, and is a defense mechanism, not a freezing mechanism as some people think. If I see the cause of my PTSD in front of me trying to hurt me again, I'm not gonna freeze; I'm gonna do whatever it takes so they don't ever hurt me again. Same goes with Yang: some people think she should have completely freezed during the fight, like “oh my god this guy fucked me up really bad and now he's gonna do it again and there's nothing I can do oh my god”. No. As I said, PTSD doesn't work like that, at least not always. She's not thinking that, she's thinking “alright this guy really fucked me up once but there's no way I'm letting him do that again”. Again, PTSD is a defense mechanism. A fucked up one, but it's what it is. And the writers handled very well.

Yang being suspicious and not completely trusting someone.

Now, I'm not lying when I tell you that I have no idea about what this could mean. Well, it could be her disagreeing with Ruby and having a bad argument, and that would really break my heart because I just love those two sisters so much. It could also be about Ozpin; she's teaming up with Oscar and hearing Ozpin is back could bring some problems. Or maybe Raven just appears there and she's like Hell Naw. I have no idea.

Conclussion.

I love Yang. She's not perfect at all. She's a bit of a hypocrite with the whole Ozpin thing because she's keeping Raven's identity as the Spring Maiden a secret as well (or maybe she did tell them off-screen? Honestly clear that up already). But she's over all a really good friend and person, an amazing older sister and just one of the most inspiring characters in the show. I see part of myself in her, and I don't see that often in a character. I just love her.

Damn, sorry I wrote the Bible but my girl deserved that.

[dawniebb]

Face reveal bc yes

So, guys...especially from the Renegades fandom bc i’m the most active there: you saw the title lmao. This will...barely get notes (i wonder if it’ll get notes at all) buuUUUT YEAH LET’S GOOOO (If you’re gonna reblog pls be respectful bc i have issues and btw reblog ONLY if we are mutuals)

THIS IS ME! <3 HELLOOOO!!!

Now, if you want to stop here, do it. If you don’t...well

I’m going to tell you a story about myself and why I decided to post this.

First of all, I’m not celebrating anything. I’m just celebrating me, I guess (?) and in fact I’ve been wanting to do this since my parents got me a She-Ra cake for my 20th birthday back in May, because I loved that thing and felt the physical need to shove that thing into everyone’s faces But I didn’t because I didn’t feel ready enough...then that thought left my mind, and it came back like two weeks ago.

I’ve had mental issues since I was in like...elementary school. I’m sure I had felt depressed before I turned 12; however, the first memory I hold of feeling so, it’s when I was already 12. Because it was then when I realized that I wasn’t just a dumb kid who didn’t know how to make friends xd To this day, I genuinely feel like I was suffering from isolation bullying; you know xd my classmates purposely excluded me from activities, they would find any excuse for not letting me join their work teams and stuff like that; during my last year at elementary school, I only had like one friend, and that one friend and I shared a sort of abusive/toxic relationship, as in: manipulation, “we’re best friends. you should only talk to ME”, and then this friend turned her back at me too, because she decided to join the rest of the group and ignore me.

lol.

And I remember wondering what was I doing wrong. Like, why didn’t people like me; why didn’t they want to hang out with me; why did everyone seem to have friends except me. And then I got trapped into a very...dark place, and I remember being overthinking one day, because I tend to overthink a lot...and I remembered this specific kid who was in the same class as me.

I was in the line for the teacher to check my homework, and this kid, a boy, was behind me.

You see. I’ve always been chubby xd I don’t think I’ve ever been skinny since I was 2 years old or so, because by the time I was in kindergarten my classmates’ moms were already calling me a ‘little meatball’ thinking it was a fucking adorable nickname because Mexican moms can be pretty shitty sometimes don’t let the media stereotypes fool you not all of them are all cheerful and upbeat and when I was in elementary school, for some reason, besides being chubby, I had a really bad posture. And this boy who was behind me started imitating my way of walking and his friends were laughing, so I turned around and asked him wtf his problem was xd and he turned around to his friends and asked “Do you see how hunchback she is?” like I wasn’t even there xd and I genuinely tried to slap him but I couldn’t, and he said “Yo, stop moving because you’re going to cause an earthquake”

And my mom has always felt personally attacked for the fact I’m...u know, fat. She has always been very insistent on the fact I need to lose weight and stuff like that. And her, mixed with my experiences at school, made me feel like I wasn’t enough.

But my mind started saying things like “And u know why you aren’t enough? Because you’re fat”

Because, like, the day of the hunchback insult, when I told the teacher, who was a very shitty teacher btw but i’m not talking about her again today (i’ve already talked about her in MANY of my university papers, because I’m studying to be an English teacher), she turned around at him and said “Don’t listen to HER” and to this day I still don’t know why xd

But it made me feel like I wasn’t enough. Because I was fat.

Lol x2.

To this day, I still don’t know if I have an ED. Like, I genuinely don’t know. But I can safely say that, if I have one, it’s more likely BED... because, through the years, I managed to lose weight when I turned like 15 and I had my quinceañera party, but then first year of high school came and I had a relapse into depression...like, this might come off as a very unpopular opinion, but junior high school was dope for me x’d I remember it as one of the best years in my life, right after my second and third year in high school (high school in Mexico lasts only three years) and so...when I started my first year in high school and got fucking depressed again, I gained ALL that weight back, and even doubled it. During my second year of high school, I met my friends. The friends I still keep with me to this day. And they accepted me like the fucking train wreck I was, failing math like three times in a row and crying about it every single one of those times  because I’m pretty sure I have dyscalculia but my parents won’t listen to me they think i’m just lazy when it comes to math even though they know i cant even read a fucking clock . And them, along with my another very close friend who I met via fanfction when I was 12, helped me go through it. Like, I did have some issues with my body during high school, but not as much as you would expect. They were getting pretty bad in my first and second semester, but during the other four my friends managed to stop me from losing my mind, even when it all went to shit in my third year again for different reasons.

Then I graduated from high school, and I made friends there too. Although my best friends are still my friend from fanfiction, my friends from high school and just one of my university friends. And you know...I was left...pretty scarred from the shit that happened during third year of high school, and even if I didn’t feel like I was *that* depressed, I did gain a lot of weight.

Like, the highest I’ve ever been. Then my dad got sick during October from last year, then my two doggies were murdered god i fucking hate my neighbors the same day my dad was released from the hospital and my mom went kinda nuts during December and I wanted to just...yeah.

So I did a lot of emotional eating. Like, y’all don’t understand.

It was like...I would go to uni and eat a brownie. Then chocolates on my way home. THEN a “a snack” like...fucking rice krispies. Then a huge ass meal, with soda bc why not. Then I would have either cookies or hot cheetos as a treat after my huge ass meal,

I’m a short person xd carrying that much weight was making my ribs and back hurt, as well as my legs and feet; my breathing was freaking awful, and there were some days were I got SO paranoid I just said things like “i’m gonna die today” or “out here trying to get diabetes like the rest of your family, aren’t you??” :’) but i didn’t tell anybody. My parents are not really an option in this case, BUT I didn’t tell my friends, because then I would have to explain that I ate a lot and that was something I was EXTREMELY ashamed of.

When February came, I was scared of going out, because I knew I would have to choose what clothes to wear and nothing fit me anymore and, the things that did, looked super stretched on me and, u know, I was sore. My health was getting bad. But I didn’t like to feel that way.

AND I MUST CLARIFY HERE. I’M WORKING ON THAT. I’M ACTUALLY A BODY POSITIVY DEFENDER, I JUST DIDN’T LIKE HOW *I* LOOKED AND, BESIDES, I WAS GETTING SICK. I GENUINELY THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO DIE AT SOME POINT. I’M NOT SAYING BEING FAT OR CHUBBY IS DISGUSTING. NO. I BELIEVE ALL HUMAN BEINGS ARE EXTREMELY BEAUTIFUL. AND IF I’M WRITING THIS IS BECAUSE I WANT YOU TO KNOW RECOVERY IS DISGUSTING AND DIFFICULT SOMETIMES AND THAT IF YOU’RE GOING THROUGH SOMETHING LIKE THAT: I’M SORRY. NOBODY SHOULD EVER FEEL LIKE THAT. I SUPPORT YOU. AND I HOPE THINGS GET BETTER. AND NO MATTER WHAT OTHERS SAY, YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL. YOU ARE TO CHANGE ONLY IF YOU WANT TO CHANGE. BECAUSE IT’S YOUR BODY. KEEP HOLDING ON.

But going back to the story...

My friends used to tell me I looked pretty all the time, which I appreciate a lot to this day. But my parents were like

Me: I’m fat and I look deformed.

Them: I agree.

Because yeah.

Just before the pandemic madness happened, I went on a school trip with my uni friends and one of them triggered my isolation trauma in the worst way possible...and that, somehow, ruined ALL the photos I took throughout the trip. Because I wasn’t enough. Because I was deformed and fat and I looked like an apple. Because nobody wanted to be seen near me. And my personality was shitty.

Like, I should’ve known I was worth it. I’m still worth it and I know that. But I wasn’t less worth it when I was chubbier. And maybe I didn’t look as bad as my head made me believe. But at the time my mental health was extremely awful.

Now, covid happened.

Not gonna lie. Quarantine fucked me up as much as it fucked everyone else, but for me...by not going out, I stopped being near trigger foods, and I was even able to consult a dietitian.

I’ve lost 15 kg since March. And I’ve managed to love my past self, but I love this one because changing it was my decision. Sure, my parents didn’t help a lot, but in the end it was MY decision. I’ve come to accept I was worth it even when I felt disgusted by myself, and all of those awful things people said or did to me, like my friend during that trip...

I didn’t deserve any of those things. Because NO ONE deserves to be treated that way.  No one deserves somebody else making fun of them. No one deserves somebody else doing awful things to them that they know damn well that they trigger their childhood trauma. No one deserves to be judged for the way they look.

I was in a very dark place, and sometimes I’m still inside there. And like...during all those times, I kept posting in here.

I remember being next to my dad in the hospital, telling him “Guess what? Supernova drops this week” or “We’re going to watch TDP together, right?” or “Let me talk to you about She-Ra...” ....those were things that like...saved my life for a while, though mostly Supernova. Because, actually, Marissa Meyer has helped me in my fucking darkest years x’d from my third year of high school until now.

Her books didn’t take my depression away, but they did make things a little lighter for me, even when I felt like dying.

And I know this fandom is like..full of minors, so...I don’t know if any of you need to hear this: But you’re worth it.

If you want to change anything in your body, do it because YOU want to.

Because YOU’LL like you better.

Because it’s YOUR body, and it’s the only part of yourself that you and other people can touch.

Nobody should ever tell you you’re worthless because of your weight and your physical appearance. And if they ever do, then they’re the ones who should apologize, not you.

Nobody has the right to mistreat you, abuse you, or use your own body against you.

As for me...my ribs don’t hurt anymore. Nor does my back or my feet, and my breathing is getting better; I took the conscious decision to lose weight but, like I said, now that I’m not in such a dark place, I’m staring to realize that the past me wasn’t as hideous as my mind was making me believe. She was okay; she was broken inside, but she didn’t deserve anything that happened to her, nor did she deserved to treat herself that badly.

I posted my photo just to celebrate that I can finally said I’m not disgusted anymore. I can finally see myself in pictures again. And see my own reflection. Or go through my closet. Or do my makeup, because I LOVE doing my makeup and I was even ashamed of that. I’m not fully okay yet, but I’m healing.

So, if there’s any little Dawnie around here: I hope you give yourself a chance and realize you’re beautiful.

I hope that, if you change, it’s because you wanted to do it.

I hope you know that it’ll get better even if the healing process it’s not that easy.

I hope you know there’s people who love you.

I hope you know that you are beautiful. You were always beautiful and, no matter what path you choose, you’ll always be beautiful.

And worth it.

And human.

And important.

Take care of yourself, because you’re wonderful, no matter your size <3

[breakingsomething]

the fall - part six (i'm taking the chapter titles seriously now, i swear)

basic summary: everyone's mad at anti and marvin.

trigger warnings: suicidal ideation, hospitals

tagslist, because i apparently have one of them now: @synonymsforzombie @spicydanhowell @skyewardlight @dreaming-of-stories-and-stars @cest-mellow

they recovered slowly. very, very slowly.

it was a long process for all of them. not just physically - in fact, the physical recovery was the easier part for most of them. chase and henrik were ok after a few weeks in hecate's hidden wing of the hospital (they really did think of everything), and marvin was let out after a couple days. luckily, the explosion hadn't been big enough to do any serious physical damage. no, most of the problems were mental.

henrik had it worst. seeing his big brother the way he was had absolutely crushed him, like it had set back all progress he'd made since anti had had him despite jackie not even laying a finger on him. he hardly spoke, and refused to trust any of his brothers, even chase. and despite marvin and henrik's rocky relationship, it broke his heart, seeing him in such a state. marvin couldn't help but feel it was partially his fault.

"i'm sorry," he mumbled to henrik a few days after he got out of hospital. he had barely spoken to henrik recently - with chase still in hospital, it was just the two of them in the house, which made for some awkward times. chase would have been disappointed in how little they were managing to get along. "really, i - i wish things could have been different."

henrik had been sitting at the kitchen table drinking a coffee, but upon hearing marvin's words, he leapt to his feet and got right into marvin's face. "why did you have to rescue him?" he spat, much to marvin's surprise. "why couldn't you have left him, why couldn't we have -"

he let out a frustrated scream and slapped his hands over his face before running from the room, no doubt to go cry silently in the bathroom and then pretend nothing was wrong afterwards. marvin didn't stop him. he couldn't act like he hadn't wondered the exact same thing himself.

why had he saved him? anti didn't mean anything to him. all anti had caused them was pain. he'd never done a good thing in his life, as far as marvin knew. why did he risk everything in his life to rescue him?

was it really because he hated to see anyone hurting, or was it just because it was jackie behind the knife? if it had been anyone else torturing anti, would he have stopped them?

marvin didn't like to think the answer was a straight up no. but it certainly seemed the most likely.

chase wasn't doing too well either, for mostly the same reasons. he had to stay in hospital a few days longer than henrik, and marvin only figured out why right after he himself was released from hospital. the doctors of hecate told him that chase had had an illegal acquired weapon on him, which they had confiscated. marvin had been confused until they told him it was a gun.

chase has gotten slightly upset when marvin confronted him about it.

"why the fuck does it matter why i had it?" he had shouted defensively. marvin motioned for him to be quieter so as not to disturb the doctors, but chase didn't listen, sitting right up in his bed and getting even louder. "i was going to protect us, you wouldn't have been complaining if i'd saved us with it -"

"chase, i'm not complaining," marvin tried to explain, sitting down on the chair next to his bed. chase just stared at him, eyebrows furrowed in distrust, shoulders at his ears. "i was just… you're legally not allowed to possess a gun, and the last time you had one, you -"

"you're legally not allowed to possess black magic!" chase shot back, drawing in on himself. marvin blinked, mouth parting slightly. "yet you do it anyway, and look where that got us!"

marvin was at a sudden loss for words. "that's - that's different and you know it," he said weakly.

chase scoffed. "oh, is it? if you didn't have black magic then jackie wouldn't have been able to pay off those guys and get that shitty fucking necklace! that's your fault, that's on you!"

once he'd finished his outburst, he sat back, eyes wide. marvin couldn't breath.

"chase - what do you mean, "those guys" - who?"

chase was quiet, breathing heavily.

marvin leaned over, grabbing chase's arm desperately. "chase, tell me!"

to marvin's horror, tears fell from his brother's eyes and he began to cry silently, head bowing to his chest and shoulders shaking. marvin let go of his arm and gently placed a hand on his back, rubbing it in circles to try and soothe him. "i - shit, bro, i'm sorry. i didn't mean to upset you."

"not you," chase choked out. "jackie, he - he explained everything to me and henrik, he… marvin, i'm sorry, i'm sorry."

through his tears, he told marvin everything, occasionally stopping to sob into his hands when it got to be too much to speak aloud. marvin just listened, feeling more and more numb as chase explained what jackie had done. by the time he was done, marvin had almost completely shut down, his stomach roiling. he stared ahead at the window, looking out at the grey skies and swaying trees and tops of monochrome buildings. he nodded, head spinning with all the knowledge he'd just been given.

"well, that explains the missing pages of my book," he mumbled, rubbing his arms to try and ground himself.

chase sniffled, rubbing his eyes. "do you have a copy?"

marvin nodded. "mhm. i kept a copy of everything. all my copies i kept in a secret place that i only trusted jackie with the knowledge of." he gave a choked laugh that sounded more like a sob. "oh, the irony of that, huh."

chase sat up again, looking at his older brother with big blue eyes. "i'm sorry," he murmured. "i - i don't understand why he did what he did. any of it. marvin, i'm sorry, i'm sorry…"

"not your fault," marvin reassured, to which chase promptly started sobbing again, and they sat in silence for a while.

after a few minutes, chase began to calm himself, grabbing at marvin's hands. "i'm not just sorry for that," he mumbled, and scrubbed at his face with his arm. "i'm - the gun. i had - i was - marvin, i was going to -"

"you don't need to tell me," marvin said hurriedly, suddenly unable to bear hearing chase say it. he held his brother's hands tightly, looking him right in the eyes. "we're gonna get you a new therapist, ok? i know you don't like dr kimble, and if he's not good for you, then we'll find someone else. someone you can really talk to. ok? ok?" he was rambling, tears rolling down his cheeks. "i'm sorry we didn't realize how bad it was getting, i'm so sorry, we should have known, i should have known -"

"no, it's - it's ok," chase mumbled. "i've not exactly been open about… anything. and, uh, being a father and running a happy youtube channel makes you wanna hide how you're feeling. i should have told you, though." he hiccuped and let out a shuddering sigh. "jackie… asked me a couple weeks ago, how i was doing. it's so weird to think that during that time, he was…"

he trailed off. marvin's vision blurred as he stared into the distance. even jackie had noticed. even jackie…

"oh, like you'd fucking notice! you don't ever notice anything!"

jackie's words washed over him, and he slumped over in his chair. yet another strike for the asshole marvin list.

wordlessly, he reached over and enveloped his brother in a hug, chase making a noise of surprise at the sudden contact. they stayed like that for a long time, just holding each other.

eventually, the three of them were at home again, henrik practically gluing himself to chase's side at times and disappearing at others, chase spending most of his time recording or in his room alone. it was miserable, as marvin had expected it would be. no one seemed to want to talk about what had happened, which he supposed was understandable. he was almost glad he had anti as a distraction.

anti was doing worst out of all of them. he had somehow gotten even sicker, and the doctors were mildly concerned. "his temperature has gone up to 104," said anti's main doctor, who's name was dr reid and was far too nice. marvin hated her. "it keeps spiking then going back down again at random times. there seems to be… no pattern to it, really. it's strange. he also refuses to eat, so we had to sedate him briefly and put him on fluids." she hesitated. "we believe he may be dealing with suicidal thoughts, as he has attempted to hurt himself and, uh, a few others at several points. would you know anything about this?"

marvin was too tired to deal with this. "listen," he started, turning to the surprised doctor. "anti may be our brother by blood, but he's an absolute fucking asshole. he kidnapped chase's kids for three weeks once. he held henrik in a fucking basement for two months. he's killed multiple people and put our cre- our fr- our other brother jack in a coma." he paused to take a breath, deliberately not looking dr reid in the eye. "i don't know why i saved him from ja- from - fuck, i don't know why i saved him. i don't fucking know anything anymore, apparently." he blinked rapidly, cursing himself for getting so easily upset. "but we don't want to see him, or deal with him, or anything. he's a terrible person and i honestly can't say i give two fucks about what happens to him now."

he could almost feel the doctor judging him. could feel her analyzing his words. then she said "ok," far too quietly, and turned to leave.

"wait!" marvin said without thinking, and she turned back to him, eyebrows raised. he blinked foolishly, clearing his throat. what had he called her back for?

"get him something electrical," he sighed, defeated. "something you don't mind being damaged. he needs to consume electricity to survive or something. probably why he's still so sick." he sighed. "figured that'd help you. if it doesn't, then i really don't know."

the doctor's lips turned up, and she nodded. "thank you, mr mcloughlin," she said. "we will certainly try that."

she left then, probably thinking marvin secretly did care about anti's wellbeing. he didn't. he just figured he'd make life easier for the poor fuckers that had to look after the bastard glitch on the daily.

really, marvin didn't give a shit what happened to anti, and he didn't want to deal with him. but he still called the hospital for updates on him, and hung around the hospital under the guise of visiting him when really, he just needed something to distract him from his grief. with his brothers so distant, it was really all he could do.

naomi was the only other thing keeping him sane.

when he wasn't at the hospital not visiting anti, he was usually at naomi's shop. she swore she didn't mind him being around so much, but he couldn't help but feel he was just annoying her. although really, marvin was starting to feel like that a lot lately.

"have you been feeling better?" naomi asked him one afternoon, about a month and a half after jackie's disappearance. she was sitting on the counter next to the cash register, cross legged with one of her plants on her lap. the store was technically open, but barely anyone ever came in here, so she and marvin just kind of did what they wanted until someone came in and they had to act professional. she even had marvin wearing an apron with a nametag so he could say he worked there. marvin joked that at this point he practically lived here as well as worked here, and naomi told him the shop barely made enough money for her alone. and of course he'd been joking, mostly, but he kind of wished he had an excuse to hang around the shop more without seeming like a clingy weirdo.

"don't know what you're talking about," marvin mumbled. he was standing on a stool on the other side of the shop, rearranging flowers on the top shelves. honestly, he practically did work here at this point. "i've been absolutely fine."

he heard naomi sigh noisily. "i am not a dumbass, pyro. i've known you long enough to know how you think. and you've absolutely been blaming yourself for what happened to jackie."

marvin didn't say anything. he kicked the stool over a bit, glad naomi couldn't see his face when he was looking at the flowers. he was long done rearranging them, but he didn't want to go and face his friend. "no i don't," he lied. "jackie made his choice. i don't give a shit."

"lies and more lies," naomi sang, and marvin rolled his eyes at the potted chrysanthemums he was shifting around uselessly. "marvin, i get it. you don't have to hide your feelings behind your manly bastard facade with me like you do with your brothers."

marvin barked out a shocked laugh. "wow. getting personal, are we?"

"simply stating facts," naomi said. "i've let you be all "oh, look at me, i'm marvin the magnificent and i'm a cocky asshole, i don't feel anything, blah, blah, blah" for ages now, pye. but fuck, there's got to be a point where you realize you need to stop."

marvin stayed very still. he didn't reply.

naomi continued. "you're one of my best friends, marvin, you know that. we've been watching each others back since you wandered in here with your paper cat mask and accidentally set the door on fire." she laughed at the memory before going quiet. "and i love you a lot, marvin. i want what's best for you. so seeing you hurting so badly and still saying nothing for the sake of your brothers… it… ahhh." she sighed. "i wish i could help you more."

when marvin still didn't reply, she swung herself off the counter onto the floor and walked through the shelves to get to where marvin was standing. "are you sulking? come on, you know i'm right. if you wanted, i could -"

she stopped when she saw that marvin was crying, elbows on the shelf and face buried in his hands to muffle the sounds. she softened instantly, gently placing a hand on one of his shaking shoulders. "oh, marvin," she murmured. "i'm sorry. here, come and - come upstairs. you can sit in the living room, i'll make you tea."

he let her wrap her arms around him and guide him up the stairs to naomi's place, all the while desperately wiping away the never ending stream of tears and stifling his sobs. the embarrassment of letting naomi see him in this state was already hitting him, but he had cried so many times in the past month that he was starting to not care. "wait, wait," he managed, grabbing the railing. "you're, uh, the shop's still open."

"i can close early," naomi said, too brightly.

"you can't afford to do that." and it was true. florists weren't exactly in extremely high demand, and he knew naomi didn't make a lot of money off the shop. "let's just sit on the stairs and then we can listen if there's a customer."

she slowly nodded, forcing a smile before plopping down at the bottom of the stairs. she patted the area next to her and he sat down, opening the door so they could see into the shop properly.

it was a few minutes until naomi broke the silence. "how's anti?"

marvin groaned. "don't give a shit. last i heard, he was still sick. still in hospital. he's got a lot of injuries to recover from, but he's not cooperating with the nurses." he went to run a hand through his hair before remembering he had it up in a bun and he'd just completely messed it up. for a moment he forgot naomi was even there, just frustratedly messing with his hair, until she cleared her throat and he jumped. she raised an eyebrow, amused, and marvin flushed.

"uh, yeah," he mumbled, glancing away. "i don't care anyway. i don't know what he's gonna do once he's recovered and i don't care. he's not coming anywhere near my family is all i know."

naomi shifted on the wooden stairs. "if you don't care, then why do you go visit him in hospital so much?"

"i don't go visit him," marvin said. "i go into the hospital, get an update on his condition, hang around for a bit until someone tells me i have to leave, ect ect."

naomi giggled. "well, what's the point of that? might as well just call." when marvin didn't answer, she cleared her throat and scooted slightly closer to him, bumping his shoulder. "hey. tell me what's up. i can see gears turning in the big head of yours."

marvin rolled his eyes and elbowed her, but felt a very small smile on his face. "shut it, you. and…" he considered telling her he was fine again, but figured that wouldn't fly. "i have a lot on my mind, ok? lotta stuff happening. you know, what with chase being suicidal, henrik losing his goddamn mind, finding out my closest brother was holding our other brother captive in a high security basement thing underneath a music shop and torturing him with black magic that he was apparently given from some secret dark organization that provided him with power in exchange for spells that he stole from me, all that shit." he gasped for air, realizing he'd been talking so fast that he hadn't breathed in about ten seconds. "you know, the usual."

he scrubbed at his face, embarrassed. it was a little while before naomi spoke. "i feel like, maybe, you should try and visit anti."

marvin whipped his head round, and was about to launch into a rant when naomi clamped her hand over his mouth. "no, let me speak. just let me speak for a second. and i swear to the gods, if you lick my hand, i will make tubers grow out your ears."

marvin raised an eyebrow, and naomi rolled her eyes. "ok. so… ok, this might be about to sound very condescending. does that make sense in english? i don't know. anyway." she hesitated. "have you and your brothers ever been… close to anti?"

she took her hand from his mouth, and marvin shook his head. "no. jack was, before anti put him in a goddamn coma. chase and henrik knew him, before, and look where it got them."

naomi bit her lip, nodding. "ok, ok." marvin knew she only knew a little bit about jack - marvin had told her that he was their brother too, and that he had been close to anti. he didn't dare to say much more in case he sounded like a weirdo under the delusion that jack had brought them all to life. that'd be fun to explain.

naomi sighed. "what do you know about anti?"

marvin blinked, scrunching up his face. "what do i - naomi, i've told you all i know!"

she held up her hands as a sign of surrender. "i know, but -"

"he's not normal, naomi!" marvin said loudly, and naomi reeled back slightly. "he's - i don't even know if he's human, he's like some kind of fucking monster! need i remind you that he's killed people? he's -"

naomi tried to interject. "ok, but, listen -"

and then marvin snapped. "no, no, no!" he clapped his hands to his face, groaning in frustration. "fuck, he's not someone you can just reason with, nai! ok? he's - he's hurt us many times, you can't just talk to him and expect it to be ok!"

"did you ever even try?" naomi said. "did any of you -"

"nai, the first time he met me, he stabbed me!" marvin cried. "i wouldn't have time to bloody reason with him -"

"ok, i'm just trying to find a way to help you!" naomi insisted. she leaned back, hands still beside her head. "i don't want any of you to hurt -"

"if any of us deserve to hurt, it's anti," marvin spat, leaping to his feet. he was suddenly so, so angry, practically shaking with everything he wanted to scream. "it's not fair, none of this is fair! i was put in the position of - my brother, jackie is my brother far more than anti ever will be, it's not fair that it was him! it's not fair!"

"marvin," naomi said gently, tapping his leg.

marvin gave a gasping sob. "it shouldn't have to be me! i shouldn't - jackie can't have just left me! he can't - he can't just go fucking insane and leave me here to clean up the mess he made!"

he buried his face in his hands, leaning against the wall. it was only after a minute of stifling rage at himself at and everyone else that he played back what he'd said and realized, head shooting up.

"shit!" he gasped. "nai, i'm sorry -"

"it's ok," naomi said, very quietly. she stood, not looking at marvin. "you were angry, you didn't mean it."

"no, no, that doesn't give me an excuse!" marvin said, hands flapping uselessly in front of him. "i know you don't like that word, i shouldn't have - oh, nai, i'm -"

"i think, maybe," she said, staring up at the door to her flat. "you should go and come back when you're not going to explode at other people."

marvin's shoulders sagged with guilt. he nodded quickly, already stepping down towards the bottom door and then glancing back up at naomi, who hadn't moved. "i'm so sorry. i didn't mean to take it out on you, i really didn't."

"that's ok," naomi mumbled, not facing him. "can you flip the sign to closed on the way out? i'll lock up. just… yeah."

she made her way up to the top of the stairs and disappeared from his view.

marvin just stood there for a moment. then he did what she'd asked, burning with self hatred like all the anger he'd felt just minutes before was now being directed inwards at himself.

that one should count for at least three strikes on the asshole marvin list, he thought bitterly as he left the shop and the cold air hit him. he knew about naomi's past and why she didn't like that word, and yet - fuck, he was such an idiot.

it was summer. yet the shameful walk home was colder than he'd felt all year.

-

a few days later, he made another decision.

this was definitely a dumb idea, and if he was being honest, it was partially made out of boredom. he hadn't spoken to naomi since he'd yelled at her, having been too afraid to go round the shop or call her in case she was still angry at him. like a coward. chase was rarely in - he was mostly out god knows where, probably filming with his cameraman daniel and the rest of his crew, and henrik wasn't speaking to marvin either. marvin had spent his time sulking, avoiding calls from kazuki and staying in his room away from henrik. it was pointless, and boring, and marvin just wanted something to do, even if that something was visiting anti in hospital.

the receptionist recognized him instantly and nodded at him as he came in. marvin nodded back, saying hello to the nurses he recognized, until he came right outside anti's room.

"excuse me," came a voice, and marvin whipped round to see dr reid, smiling softly. "hey. sorry for startling you. are you going inside?"

marvin nodded. "yeah, uh… yeah, i am," he mumbled, staring at his feet. "apologies for snapping at you the other day, doctor. i'm under a lot of stress, which obviously isn't an excuse, but -"

"it's alright, mr mcloughlin," she said, shaking her head and chuckling. "i've heard much worse. go inside if you want. are you alone?"

he paused before nodding. "yeah, i'm alone," he said quietly. "don't think my brothers really want to visit."

she nodded along with him. "understandable."

he was procrastinating going inside, he knew. dr reid probably knew too, but said nothing. marvin took a deep breath and opened the door, cautiously stepping inside.

anti looked to be asleep, curled up under a blanket on the bed. marvin took a few hesitant steps forward, noticing as he got closer how sick anti looked. his right arm was wrapped in a cast, and his hair was even longer looking than when marvin had last seen it, spread out on the pillow. he was extremely pale, his freckles almost unseen, and he had big bags under his eyes and a nasal cannula on. the two most unusual thing was that his beard was entirely gone, as was the signature wound on his neck. his face and neck looked almost empty without it.

"we had to help him shave in order to properly deal with the wounds on his face," dr reid explained from where she'd suddenly appeared beside him. "it seemed that they were already dealt with in part by - uh, yes. you're also lucky you got charlotte to look him over, or his arm fracture could have gotten worse and may have healed wrong, resulting in infection or worse. she - it appeared she also managed to fix the wound on his neck, the older one. we have no clue why it hadn't healed previously, but it was nothing a bit of healing couldn't fix."

marvin had no clue who charlotte was. he assumed she was the doctor naomi had gotten to look over anti while he tried to find his brothers. "mhm," was all he could manage to say. "can you, uh… can you go?"

she nodded and left the room, leaving marvin and anti alone. marvin was already beginning to regret coming here as he walked over and gingerly sat down in the plastic chair beside anti's bed. with his beard gone, he looked about ten years younger. marvin snorted at the sight.

he wondered what henrik and chase would say if they knew what marvin was doing right now. he wondered what jack would think if he could see anti in the state he was in. jack, who...

anti stirred, making a small noise in his throat. marvin leaned back, hardly daring to breath in case he woke. after a moment, anti went silent, and marvin decided that yes, this was definitely a bad idea. as he was standing up to leave, however, his chair creaked and anti's eyes flew wide open.

marvin stayed very still as if anti were an animal that could only detect him if he moved.

anti blinked, raising his left hand to clumsily sign. "j-a-y?" he signed, eyebrows furrowed.

marvin shook his head, stepping back towards the door. "nope. i'm not, uh, whoever you think i am. i'm leaving, didn't mean to come in here. sorry, bye."

"j-a-y," anti insisted, and struggled to sit up in the bed. his body began to glitch wildly the more he tried to move, and marvin could hear the hum of static from all round. he held up both hands, still creeping backwards.

"sorry," marvin said. "sorry."

he was about to slip out when anti signed something that made marvin pause.

"what was that?" he said slowly, closing the door again. anti did it again; his left hand making a "d" shape and tapping on his right wrist. marvin didn't know the sign, but he was sure he could guess.

"dapper," he murmured, and the reaction in anti was immediate. he nodded quickly, the sound of static spiking.

marvin rolled his eyes. "ugh," he groaned dramatically, before walking back over and plopping down on the chair again.

"dapper's not here," he said, in a mocking, babying tone. anti didn't seem to notice, his eyes wide with fever. they were a bright blue at the moment, for whatever reason. "dapper is all gone, don't you remember? you were the one to drive him away, after all."

anti shook his head. "j-a-y," he signed, and his head flopped down against the pillow again. he was breathing heavily, like he'd just run a marathon. marvin watched him curiously, titling his head.

"wow, you are really sick," he said, resisting the urge to laugh. he couldn't help but feel slightly bad for the glitch; all that power he'd had over them, drained away. maybe he didn't feel too bad. "maybe we should just kill you while we have the chance."

anti's eyes fluttered closed, and he gave a small nod. "maybe," he signed, his hand shaky. "might as…" he trailed off, hand falling to his chest.

marvin raised an eyebrow. "are you coherent now? gonna say something that makes sense?"

anti flipped him off weakly, and marvin laughed. "alright, guess that's a clear enough message."

"here to mock me?" anti signed slowly. "b-i-t-c-h."

marvin leaned back in his chair, sniggering. "that's just sad. where's all your usual pizzazz, anti? come on."

"up your -" anti started coughing before he could finish that sentence, slapping his hand over his mouth. marvin just watched, not certain if he was supposed to do anything.

"are you ok?" he asked. then, because he needed to add a sarcastic element to it, "are you gonna live?"

anti flipped him off again before sinking back down on the bed weakly. his face was screwed up in pain, and he was biting his lip so hard marvin could see blood. he suddenly felt slightly bad for making fun of him.

"water," anti signed, pointing to the bedside table marvin had his arm propped up against. he hesitated before handing him the plastic cup, watching him try to take it with shaking hands.

"do you… need some help there?" marvin asked uncertainly. this whole thing was starting to become a lot weirder than he'd wanted. with everything he said and did, he kept thinking of his brothers and what they'd think of him right now. he pushed the thoughts away and focused on anti, who was rapidly shaking his head. he lifted the cup up and promptly dropped it, groaning as the water soaked into the bed and his black t-shirt.

"well done," marvin said. anti flashed him a look, a spark of his old rage lighting up in his eyes as he hit the button to call the nurses with far more force than necessary. then he wrapped his arms around his stomach and curled up so his head was almost touching his knees.

marvin sighed. "do you want me to stay here?"

anti didn't move to answer. marvin made a face, feeling slightly awkward as a nurse marvin didn't recognize came in, flashing him a small smile before walking round the side of the bed. "are you alright? ah, you've spilled - it's ok, although you know you're not supposed to try and drink without help. here, shift over, i'll get your sheets."

anti rolled his eyes in marvin's direction, and moved over towards him so the nurse could take the blankets off. marvin hadn't ever seen anti in short sleeves before, except in his original videos (which jackie showed him), and he was surprised to see raised scars over the areas where jack's tattoos were. anti saw him looking and flipped him off a third time, to which marvin snorted. "you ever gonna come up with a better response?"

"want me to break your nose and force it into your mouth down your throat?" anti signed painstakingly. marvin couldn't help but giggle.

"is that possible?" he asked.

anti shrugged and fell back against the pillows, sweaty hair falling in his face. marvin was about to reach out and stroke the hair away before reminding himself that this wasn't jamie, wasn't jackie, wasn't chase or henrik. he clasped his hands in his lap, suddenly feeling sick.

"i think i'll go," he murmured, standing too suddenly. "thank you, nurse, uh, but i gotta -" he clicked his fingers and pointed them towards the door.

"oh, of course," the nurse said, nodding as the folded up the blankets in her arms. "will we see you tomorrow? it's extended visiting hours then."

marvin glanced back at anti, who was curled up again, looking half asleep. he glanced up just slightly to raise an eyebrow, and despite it all, marvin could see the smallest hint of the old anti in his face.

"yeah," marvin said, and anti's eyes gleamed with a smirk. "i think maybe you will."

[ghoste-catte]

gaalee - 6, 20, 24 ❤

6. What is their favorite feature of their partner’s?

Hmm, this was a tough one, because frankly both of them are straight-up pretty weird looking. I know in canon Gaara has a bunch of Suna ladies that crush on him, but you’ll notice it’s only Suna ladies (and Fuu) which leads me to the conclusion that Sunan aesthetics are less about looks and more about power. Power = attractive, which is why Gaara seems to attract a flock of lady admirers, in my opinion. ‘Cause listen, the dude looks like he hasn’t slept more than a few hours in the past ten years, and he’s the only person I’ve ever seen who managed to make himself look worse by running a comb through his hair. Plus he smiles in a really unnerving way (Have y’all seen that photo of all the Kage from Boruto where Gaara’s making the grimace emoji expression? That’s what I’m talking about). 

Anyways, now that I’ve just dissed Gaara’s looks really hard, let’s talk about physical attraction. I don’t see Gaara as being particularly invested in his partner’s looks overall; he just doesn’t strike me as the type. I think he likes Lee because Lee is kind to him, and doesn’t hold a grudge, and is strong. I think he likes that Lee is in many ways his equal and that he doesn’t have to worry about protecting Lee (his thoughts on the relative vulnerability of his partner compared to himself comes up a bit in the Gaara Hiden light novel) ... at least, he doesn’t have to worry about protecting Lee from anyone but Lee’s own self-destructive impulses, for the most part. Physically, I think he would then be attracted to Lee’s body/muscles, because that’s a physical representation of his strength. Also I think Lee’s turtle mouth is cute, so let’s go with the little turtle mouth as well. 

Of the two of them, Lee is definitely the more physically oriented and probably finds a lot of things attractive about Gaara, although as I’ve already established, I hc that Gaara is a straight up little sand gremlin in physical appearance. But I think the feature that would sell him would be Gaara’s eyes. Not because they’re unique or because of the tanuki marks or anything, but because I think when he first starts learning to read Gaara’s expressions, he conveys everything in his eyes. The rest of his face is relatively impassive and inexpressive, so as they’re getting to know each other I think Lee spends a lot of time staring at Gaara’s eyes to try and figure out what he’s thinking and feeling. And that probably grows into something of a favoritism.

20. What do their family/friends think of their relationship?

Oof, okay, this is gonna be a somewhat long one because they each have like three people who are the most important in their lives. 

So, for Gaara:

Kankuro thinks Lee is weird as hell, but ultimately well-meaning. He respects a guy who lulls you into a false sense of security by looking like an animated green bean and then straight up clocks you in the face so hard you shit your pants. I do think him and Lee butt heads on occasion, because they’re both stubborn as hell and Kankuro’s a bit of a bastard while Lee’s very noble, so they don’t have very well aligned values. And neither of them is willing to back down from a fight. So there are probably some family dinners where Kankuro gets this close to flipping a table because he can’t believe how stupid Lee is being about something, Gaara why do you even put up with this dude? But there’s definitely a respect there, and Lee is a genuinely nice guy, so Kankuro probably takes advantage of that a little bit (”Lee, can you run to the store and get me...” and Lee of course says yes even though Kankuro has two perfectly functional legs). 

Temari initially doesn’t trust Lee. I don’t think she believes at first that Lee isn’t playing the long con and going after Gaara for revenge. It takes her a long time to realize that, no, Lee really is just like that and that he genuinely doesn’t hold a grudge at all. She’s also the most likely to get worked up about the political implications and be scared for how this might affect Gaara’s standing. I think Shikamaru probably sells her on it a bit, because he’s known Lee for longer. And I think seeing how happy Lee makes her brother and how Lee makes Gaara come out of his shell really seals the deal for her. 

Naruto doesn’t get it, but he’s supportive. You know that meme that’s like “he’s not quite there but he’s got the spirit”? That’s Naruto’s approach to basically anyone’s relationship. He doesn’t have any room to judge anyway; his romantic life is a complete shitshow. And Naruto’s pretty guileless so I doubt he really even thinks through any of the potential pitfalls in their relationship. Gaara tells him and he goes “Oh okay, cool!” and then back to talking about Sasuke. 

As for Lee,

Gai does not trust Gaara at all after he caught him trying to kill Lee in the hospital room. I think that’s probably something he never even brought up to Lee, because he wanted Lee to focus on his recovery. So when Lee ends up bringing up that he and Gaara are dating, Gai kind of pales and goes quiet for a minute and then tells Lee very seriously, “He tried to kill you.” And Lee is probably like, “Haha, I know but that was in a match! Anyone could have killed anyone!” and then Gai has to drop the bad news that no, it wasn’t just during the match. Ultimately though he probably gives Gaara a very stern “what are your intentions with my precious student” speech (that Gaara mostly doesn’t understand because it’s so flowery), but is convinced enough by Gaara’s answers that he gives him a big snotty, tear-filled hug. 

Tenten has kind of the same wariness around Gaara initially as Gai does, but she’s much slower to warm up. She sees herself as Lee and Gai’s common sense/”angel on their shoulder” and she doesn’t necessarily believe that Lee has his own best interests at heart. She probably thinks at first blush that Lee is just overcome with infatuation like he was with Sakura or any other spur-of-the-moment crush that he may have, and definitely thinks Lee is going to get hurt. She absolutely threatens Gaara, more than once, even though she wouldn’t stand a chance against him in a match. In my opinion would be the last of Team Gai to come around. She’s probably the person on the morning of Lee’s wedding straightening his shiny orange bow tie and asking him if he’s sure he wants to go through with it. 

Neji (who is alive, damnit) also doesn’t trust Gaara, but he has his own emotional walls up about caring for Lee. So on the surface he tells himself “what do I care, that’s Lee’s bad decision to make and I’m not responsible if he gets hurt”, but he is definitely on edge and wary whenever he sees them together. I think he and Gaara are more similar in personality though, in the sense that both of them have trauma that has made them emotionally closed-off, and Neji recognizes something of himself in Gaara and is probably the first person to actually believe that Gaara means what he says and doesn’t have bad intentions. He sees himself in that inability to express one’s feelings properly in a way that convinces others that you’re genuine, and he probably is the one to bring Gai around in the end. 

24. Who whispers inappropriate things in the other’s ear during inappropriate times?

I answered this one here!

OTP ask meme!

[marble-hornets-fic-prompts]

Ghost and Mansion au crossover

Hello! Quick warning: this is a very long post. I tried to separate the paragraphs more for an easier read, because let’s be honest, if you see a giant block of infodump text you probably aren’t going to read all of it.

Also, a note: in this The Operator is the same character as 'Slenderman' but also not really. They are a demon, and feed off chaos (positive, neutral, and negative). The name difference is based off of who named the demon. The Marble Hornets Crew all still call him The Operator, but to everyone else he is known as 'Slenderman'. That was the easiest way I could incorporate them into the same au.

Quick one-sentence summary: crossover of the Creepypasta mansion au and Jay, Alex, and Brian being ghosts and following Tim around post-MH.

Here are the trigger warnings for the post: Death mention, religious themes (specifically the mention of demons), smoking mention

Because of how large the Creepypasta mansion would be (and if we include characters like Masky and HABIT in there, it would bring even more people in) someone is bound to be able to see ghosts, right?

The au idea is a mix of the mansion au, where Tim hangs out after the series ends, and the ghost au. This means he is actually there with the ghosts of Jay, Brian, and Alex, but he doesn’t realize because he can’t see them. This leads to all following him attempting to help in any ways they can, along with an apologetic Alex.

Jay and Brian have a hard time forgiving him, but eventually they are able to accept his apology and acknowledge that he wasn’t fully in control/felt he had no other options and became desperate. Of course, everyone agrees it was a fucked up situation and that Alex’s solution was terrible, but eventually they are able to be together and be friends again.

Originally, the only reason Jay tolerated either of them (after finding out Brian was the hooded man) was because he didn’t want to leave Tim alone. Of course, the others stayed for the same reason, and even when they had full blown arguments the one person keeping them together was Tim. Now, they are able to be comfortable wandering around with one person watching Tim at all times (he’s in a house full of killers of course they aren’t comfortable leaving him alone, even if they cant do anything).

The entire time Tim is actually at the mansion he is wearing his mask. This doesn’t mean he is always in his ��masked-state”, however, but he doesn’t like to talk to the others regardless. No one except Ben knows what happened, as most came in a lot later or never saw the videos. He made all the YouTube videos private and erased all evidence he could of the situation they went through. This leads to Alex, Jay, and Brian being listed as “missing”, because while some people followed the series when it was going no one could prove any of it anymore. Tim is able to return back out into society and gets a job to help pay for the things in the mansion. (How else could they get food or electricity? A demon can only do so much)

After a couple years, Tim is finally able to keep his job steady as he has to balance his job, taking care of the rest of the mansion, and the “missions” The Operator has him do in his “masked-state”.

The “missions” aren’t your average ‘go kill this guy because ___’, no, most the time they are just chaotic neutral tasks. The Operator is a demon who feeds of chaos and the negative feelings of humans, so it makes sense that most of the time it would be to just cause general chaos. (Although sometimes it leads to very… Interesting tasks…)

During this entire time of recovery is when the others are recovering too, and soon they start trying to do little things to help. Paperwork scattered across his desk because he got too stressed and left for a smoke? Jay and Brian organize the papers while Alex watches over Tim. Fell asleep with the lights on? Alex turns it off while Brian grabs a blanket to put over his shoulders.

Alex, Jay, and Brian can’t interact too much with physical objects because it takes up a lot of energy (depending on the item). If they use too much energy up, they go into a strange state of there-but-not-there. This means that they are present and (because they all linked to Tim) are following wherever Tim is, but they are not able to see, hear, feel. They are also not able to be seen, heard, and felt by other ghosts in this state, so they try to avoid this as much as possible. Energy recharges passively over time, so most times they just can’t help for a while.

Tim notices the strange occurrences and after a couple months asks The Operator about them. The Operator says he has no idea about them, but they don’t seem to be bad so they shrug it off. (Of course, he has an idea but isn’t about to let Tim know this. He doesn’t know how he would react, and Tim is one of the few people providing for the members of the mansion. If he loses one of his best sources of income and chaos, it would be a waste.)

One day, everyone’s just hanging out and Tim is casually in their living room watching some of the others play games on their TV. Suddenly, the person who can see ghosts starts laughing randomly. The others aren’t used to this because, while everyone knew they could see ghosts, they never interacted or talked with them. Someone finally asks “Hey, dude, uh… what was that just now? You okay?” and they respond, “Yea, sorry, one of Masky’s ghosts just tripped over themself. Not over any physical object, just like, in the air. Sorry, I just found it funny.”

The some of the others are just staring at him, others let out a laugh of two, but Masky is frozen in his seat. Why? Because he never was sent on any of the missions to kill specific people (the one rule that The Operator followed to keep him around), and the only people he knew that could’ve been ghosts are Jay, Alex, and Brian.

Jay, Alex and Brian, of course, are the only ones to notice Tim’s change in stance. Sadly, because they are ghosts, no one else can hear their concerns except the Ghost Creepypasta. Jay is just a couple loud “Tim? Are you okay? Oh no’” before he goes into unintelligible mumbling while frantically moving around, Brian just looks upset and seems to attempt at being a reassuring presence to Tim, and Alex attempts to get Jay to calm down from his panicking. This isn’t to say the other two weren’t panicking, oh no, they definitely were. All of them knew they made the same connection at the same time.

After a moment of watching this all go on, the Ghost Creepypasta just kinda speaks up again and says “So, uh, Masky. Are you okay, dude? Your ghosts are kinda freaking out and a little worried about you, so…” ‘Are they… how many are there? The ghosts, I mean,’ he signs. 

Everyone else around there who was taking it as a moment of ‘oh, haha, their just worried because they can’t see his face’ finally realize ‘oh shit, this is serious’ and all the previous talking stops. Some are more gossip-hungry than others and actually move closer to hear what’s going on, while the rest turn off anything that might be making extra noise as the atmosphere completely changes. The Ghost Creepypasta tells him three, obviously a little unnerved at what’s going on. “How come you never mentioned anything about the ghosts before hand, dude?” Someone speaks up. The Ghost Creepypasta shrinks in on themself and mumbles out a short excuse about attention and the ghosts being mostly personal.

Right as they finish saying this Tim stands up and leaves, walking outside and ignoring the worried calls after him. He needs time to think and process the information he just heard, otherwise he might break down right there.

[team-science-mega-nerds]

agentreign get a pet

It isn’t that Sam is against the idea. It’s just the fact that Ruby knows about it that concerns her. A tiny little gerbil is an adorable thing, but if Sam can’t control her power - her strength - the little guy is gonna be a goner. She suspects that Alex knows this because every time Kara brings it up, Alex quickly tries to diffuse the situation. It was nice having someone to rely on, while she’d been stuck living at the DEO for the past three months. 

Reign was gone, but her power was still there, and she didn’t trust herself to control it. Not yet at least. Alex, Kara, and Lena had been three very strong and patient pillars of support while she figured things out. Kara was mostly in charge of the physical nature of her recovery. Instead of hiding her power, Kara had been showing her techniques and they spared. A lot. Kara enjoyed being able to teach and probably learn a lot about herself along the way. Lena was basically in charge of Sam’s “normal life”. She often picked Ruby up from school, went to meetings and updated Sam on her work schedule. Sam couldn’t do a ton while she was at the DEO but she managed to run through a lot of LCorp’s finances anyway. 

And Alex. Oh, god, what would Sam do without Alex? Probably wallow away and die. She had somehow gone from being all business and working on Sam’s medical needs, to being a wonderful emotional support system. She had probably the longest hours at the DEO and she often spent time checking in on Sam when no one else was around. Sam insisted that Ruby stays on her typical schedule which meant Sam only got to see her a few times during the week, but Alex was always there to give her updates about Ruby’s games and something they worked on for homework together. Alex would even join her for dinner or help her work on control through these geeky breathing technics that always made Kara laugh. 

Sam never realized how much her physical body related to her emotions before. She’d always seen them as separate but when Alex was there, helping her recover from the trauma of everything she’d been through, Sam could easily find the connecting forces between Alex’s gentle touch and the number of times Sam smiled during the day. 

Which is why Sam is so afraid of getting this stupid pet. She’ll kill it. And then she’ll have to watch Kara and Alex sulk around reminding her that she isn’t ready to be in the real world yet. 

“You okay?” Alex is leaning against the threshold of the door. Her arms are crossed over her chest and she looks stunning in her casual attire. Sam knows that Alex is dressed to leave and it makes her feel a bit somber knowing that she never gets to see Alex is her street clothes which are usually soft sweaters and jeans. Or a leather jacket with some kind of t-shirt under it that reminds Sam just how chill Alex typically is. 

Sam doesn’t get to see that side of her often and it hurts to know that while she’s stuck here, Alex is out in the world showing everyone the attention that Sam doesn’t get anymore. Sam does remember thinking that it was strange how much Alex had thrown herself into Sam’s life when Sam had first started getting those headaches. It was stupid how much Sam adored the attention and now she has to face the fact that Alex will probably move on to more important things. She has her own life to live after all. 

“Yeah. Totally fine. Not weird being stuck in an underground government facility.” The sarcasm comes from nowhere. It’s not how she typically speaks and Alex - ever the observant type - steps further into the room and takes a seat at Sam’s bedside. “Sorry.”

“It’s okay to be angry.”

“Not when my anger causes lasers to come from my eyes.” Sam looks down at what she’s wearing. Light blue top, light blue pants, she’s looked like a patient for the past few months. God, does she miss her power suits.  

“I’ve actually been talking to J’onn about you,” Alex starts. That doesn’t sound good. At all. Sam imagines that she must be a common topic of conversation but she wishes that she could be a fly on the wall. How does Alex talk about her? Like the subject of an experiment? Or like a friend? “I think you’re ready to go home.”

“Oh, please.” Sam scoffs. 

“No really-.”

“I broke an entire table yesterday because I was about to win at UNO and I slammed the card down too hard.” Kara had laughed, Vasquez patted Sam’s head and said ‘aww, your first table.’

“Kara broke my entire car. On my birthday.” Alex rests her elbow on Sam’s bed. Outside of a few sweaty sparring and yoga sessions, this is the closest they’d been in a few long time. Alex seemed to understand Sam’s desire to keep the people she cared about at a distance. She would never forgive herself if she hurt anyone. “Shit happens. To all of us. You’re not special.” But the way Alex says it, Sam does feel special. Warm even. “According to Thor, he’s the only one who deserves this much attention.”

“Thor? Who the hell is Thor?” Sam scrunches up her face. “Not like…a guy friend…boyfriend or something right?”

“Fortunately for all the beautiful women out there, I am still a raging lesbian.” Alex chuckles. “Thor is a gerbil. Remember? DEO’s official mascot, besides Kara.” Alex holds her hand toward Sam. “Come on, you wanna meet him?” 

“Did you not just hear me about breaking a table?” 

“I heard you.” Alex doesn’t move her hand, she waits. Eventually, the pressure is too much, so Sam grabs hold and allows Alex to pull her up to her feet. To Sam’s surprise, Alex doesn’t stop holding her hand the whole way to Alex’s lab. For someone who works with weapons and chemicals all day, Alex’s hands are surprisingly soft. Instead of overthinking it and probably crushing Alex’s bones, Sam just focuses on the warmth that she feels until they step into the completely empty room and are standing in front of a small cage. 

There’s a giant sign propped against the cage that says “Thor Lives Here” with lightning bolts surrounding it. Sam assumes that Kara created the sign, probably Ruby too. “So, this is Thor.” Alex reaches into the cage and pulls out a precious little critter. “Want to hold him?” 

“Can we go in the Red room?” Which is what Sam calls the room where she and Kara spar. The power dampening lamps make Sam feel normal. Almost human even. 

“No.” This is the thing that Sam loves and hates about Alex. She’s doesn’t coddle Sam. She supports her growth. “Okay, let’s try something.” Alex returns Thor to his cage and turns to face Sam. Their noses are approximately three inches away from each other and Sam almost jumps back, startled by their sudden closeness. “I’m going to touch your nose. Is that okay?”

“Uh…sure.” Alex rests her hand on Sam’s cheek and brushes her thumb against Sam’s nose. It feels good. Different. To be touched in a way that doesn’t immediately scream training. 

“Now you touch my nose.”

“You want me to touch your…nose?” Sam laughs. She feels like she’s missing something completely. But she does it anyway. Mimicking Alex’s motions, being extra careful not to press too hard. She wants to be soft. She wants Alex to know that she’s touching her with care. 

“Easy right?”

“Mildly.” Sam glances over at the cage. “But Thor is different. I don’t know Thor enough to…”

“You can do this.” Alex grabs Thor again and holds him out toward Sam. 

“Don’t get mad at me when I kill your gerbil.”

“Our gerbil. He belongs to the DEO family which you are a part of now.” Somehow, that sense of belonging makes Sam feel confident enough to take the plunge. Thor is soft and adorable and Sam doesn’t murder him. Alex watches, closely. She doesn’t look like she expects Sam to fail. She looks like she’s proud of her. 

“Oh my god. I didn’t kill him. Look.” Sam pets Thor’s little head and pets his body. “I’m good.” Sam cries because of course, she does. Alex reaches out and wipes the tears from her eyes. It makes Sam cry more, just knowing that Alex cares about her this much. “I’m good.” 

[morinokunikara]

Double Date Night

Read on AO3

Fandom: Persona 5

Ships: Shiann, Ryushima

Summary: Shiho, Ann, Yuuki, and Ryuji have a double date planned-but what do they do when Shiho’s still-recovering body has other plans for her?

Notes:  Okay there’s a lot of reasons I wrote this fic, but it can basically be boiled down to wanting some gay shit, and wanting people to appreciated Shiho and Yuuki and their potential for friendship more (though the latter ended up…not showing as much as I would have liked). Canon sucks, I’m the writer now, and I will not be stopped.

I have the fic posted here, but please give it a look on AO3 as well, and maybe leave kudos and/or comments! It’d mean a lot to me.

Months had passed since Shiho’s release from the hospital, and things were going rather well. Her biggest problems were she still had to go to physical therapy weekly, and couldn’t walk on her own most days. At the very least, she needed a cane, which didn’t bother her too much. The cane was cool, Ann helped her paint it, and she got compliments on it all the time. On worse days she needed crutches, a little less enjoyable but still tolerable. Then there were wheelchair days. Shiho hated wheelchair days. Lots of places were very inaccessible, and she always got looks, or people trying to help when she didn’t need it. If she had to use the wheelchair, she would rather not go out at all.  But overall, she made amazing progress in her recovery. Not just physically, but mentally.

She was never able to return to playing volleyball at her new school, even if she could have physically, but she found joy in watching her former teammates play and almost never missed a Shujin game. She always made sure to be the loudest, most excited fan she could be. She made more friends, and would hang out with those friends when she could. Yuuki became her closest friend. Neither of them really talked when they played together, but they found out they had so much in common from both being trans to having similar struggles in life, and their friendship just stuck. He even helped her with asking Ann out, in return for her helping him ask Ryuji out. The four of them actually had a double date planned, a fairly common occurrence for them. The plan for this one was a movie, shopping, and dinner. However, it seemed that Shiho’s body had other plans.

She woke up nearly paralyzed by pain, so much just pulling herself out of bed made her feel like she just ran 100 laps. Why today of all days? She sat back in bed and pulled out her phone to text Ann.

Shiho: Hey…I don’t think I’m going to be able to go out today.

Ann: Everything okay?

Shiho: Not really. I can barely move. I’d have to use the chair. I really don’t want to have to get around in it. Sorry. You three can still go without me.

Ann: I’ll let the guys know. I hope you feel better soon. <3

Shiho: <3

Ann sighed as she looked at the texts again. She hated having to see Shiho hurt so much. They were all looking so forward to today, too… Sure, Ann could just go with the Yuuki and Ryuji but that defeated the whole purpose of the day… She couldn’t just let their day be cut short like that. She had a plan. It wasn’t guaranteed to work, but it was worth a shot. She made a group chat for her and the guys and sent a text.

Ann: Shiho’s not doing well today. She cancelled our plans.

Ryuji: Damn. Pain again I’m guessing?

Ann: Yeah…

Yuuki: It feels wrong to go without her…should we just reschedule?

Ann: No, I have a plan. Meet me in the underground mall. Bring something fun to do.

Ryuji: Gotcha.

Yuuki: See you soon!

The three met up in the underground mall a little over an hour later, Yuuki with some puzzle books and board games, Ryuji with some video games and DVDs, and Ann with makeup, magazines, and flowers she just bought.

“So I guess the plan is we surprise Shiho with all of this?” Yuuki asked.

“Yep! I can’t say for sure if she’ll like it or not, but I want to try. I’d hate just leaving her out…” Ann’s voice faded a bit, but picked up as she smiled. “So we’re gonna bring the double date to her!”

“Hell yeah!” Ryuji cheered. “Let’s get going!” He started to run off, then stopped a few feet away. “Wait uh…where’s she live again?”

Ann sighed and shook her head. “You’re hopeless… Why did you run off if you don’t know? I’ll lead you guys there.”

There was a short train ride to the Suzui residence, during which the three excitedly talked about what they brought and their plans, and shared their hopes that Shiho would enjoy their day together. Before too long, they were in front of the house. Ann rang the doorbell, and an older woman, Shiho’s mother, answered the door. She smiled as soon as she saw the three.

“Oh, are you three here to see Shiho? She’ll be so happy…she’s in her room right now.” She welcomed the three in, they took off their shoes, and went over to Shiho’s room quietly.

Ann knocked gently on the door, and Shiho called back. “It’s open…” Her voice sounded rather gloomy and strained. It hurt all three of her guests to hear it. Still, they all three kept smiles on their faces as Ann opened the door.

“Surprise!” Ann said cheerfully. “Hope you don’t mind that we showed up.”

Shiho’s whole face lit up slowly when she saw the three. Her pained, grim expression turned into a wide smile, and small tears of joy formed in her eyes. “You three…I told Ann you could go on without me…”

“Well sure,” Ryuji said. “But it wouldn’t be much of a double date if half of one of the couples was gone, would it?”

“We all made sure to bring something to do.” Yuuki showed off the books and games he brought. “We want to make sure your day in is a fun one.“

"Thanks, guys…” Shiho sniffled.

Ann went over to the bed. “I got you these too,” She said as she placed the flowers on the end table and sat on the edge of the bed. “So what do you want to do? We have magazines, makeup, video games, movies, some puzzle books, board games…take your pick!”

Shiho thought for a second. “Oh! Let’s all do each other’s makeup!” She said excitedly.

“Ehhh, I think I’ll pass on that one,” Ryuji said. “That cutesy shit is more Yuuki’s thing.” He patted his boyfriend’s head, and got his hand swatted away in return.

“He’s terrible at makeup,” Yuuki added on. “He tried to do mine once and it was awful.”

“I didn’t even know what half that shit was!”

“It’s really not as hard as you’re acting like it is.”

“It is too! I don’t get how you keep up with all those brushes and colors and stuff…”

Shiho laughed softly at the little playful argument. “You don’t have to participate if you don’t want to.”

“Yeah!” Ann agreed. “You can judge our looks instead.”

“Fine…” Ryuji grumbled softly. “But I’m warning you, I don’t know what’s good or bad…”

“Yuuki, can I do yours?” Shiho asked.

“And I wanna do yours, Shiho!” Ann said excitedly.

“I can do Ann’s then.” Yuuki said. “I actually have a look that’ll be perfect for you.”

The three took turns doing each other’s makeup, each person’s unique style showing up in the look of the person that did their makeup. Yuuki ended up with a simple, more natural look, Shiho with a very trendy girly look with lots of pink, and Ann with a more showy dramatic look.  

“Alright, Ryuji. Who did best?” Ann asked with a confident grin. She was certain that she’d win.

Ryuji looked closely at the three, spending his time really studying each look and thinking long and hard about his decision. “Uh…they all look the same to me.” He finally said in defeat.

Ann and Yuuki both sighed. “They couldn’t be more different from each other!” Ann exclaimed.

Yuuki took a deep breath. “Ryuji…I say this with all the love I have in my heart…you are completely hopeless.”

Shiho laughed, a bit more than her previous laugh. “Okay, lay off him you two…let’s just call it a tie, okay? I think we all look amazing.”

“You’re way too nice to him, Shiho.” Ann said. “He’ll never learn if we lay off…but fine, if you insist.”

“How about instead, we let him pick what we do next!” Shiho smiled at Ryuji. “You brought some games right? How about we play something?”

“Hell yeah! I brought my full collection cause i wasn’t sure what you liked…” Ryuji brought a stack of games over to Shiho. “Go ahead, pick your favorite!”

Shiho looked at the games thoughtfully, and ultimately picked a co-op RPG they could play together with minimal competition. The four enjoyed their game together, to the point where Shiho’s mother had to come in and ask them to quiet down. They spent hours on the game, eventually coming to a stop when they realized how long it had been. “Wow…I usually don’t play that much,” Ann said with a soft laugh.

“Me either, I just got so caught up in working with everyone, I lost track of the time,” Shiho admitted.

“So…What’s next?” Yuuki asked. Before anyone could suggest their next activity, Shiho’s mother peeked in the room.

“Are you kids hungry? I’m making beef stew tonight!”

“Beef stew?!” Ryuji perked up excitedly. “I could go for some beef!”

“Where are your manners?!” Ann scolded. “Thank you, Mrs. Suzui. Food would be lovely. Do you need any help?”

Shiho’s mom shook her head. “No, no, I wouldn’t want to pull any of you away. I may need help bringing the food here, however. I’ll call you when it’s ready.”

While dinner cooked, the four looked at some of Ann’s magazines. For all his griping about makeup, Ryuji was actually quite invested in the fashion (or maybe just the models) and was eager to point out some of his favorite looks, or outfits he thought would look good on others (mostly Yuuki, of course). Once Shiho’s mom called that dinner was ready, Ann went to the kitchen to help her carry the bowls into Shiho’s room. The four all sat and chatted about school, sports, and their other friends while they ate. Once they finished, Ann brought the bowls back to the kitchen, and the four spent some time playing some of the card games that Yuuki and brought.

“And a perfect match~!” Ann cheered, showing off her cards. “I win again!” She sung.

“Man, this is getting boring,” Ryuji whined. “How do you keep winning? You have to be cheating.”

“Or I’m just luckier than you,” Ann said, sticking her tongue out.

“I’m just not getting any matches!” Ryuji griped as he threw down his cards.

“Uh…Ryuji…sweetheart…” Yuuki looked over the cards on the ground. “You have 3 matches here.”

The others looked and sure enough, there were 3 matches scattered across Ryuji’s cards. “Wha…I…Damnit! It’s hard to tell when they’re all scattered like that!” Ryuji’s voice grew even more frustrated than it was over losing.

“You know if you sort them as you get them, that wouldn’t be a problem,” Shiho said. “That’s what I do.”

Ryuji looked at her in shock, completely dumbfounded by the fact that he hadn’t ever thought of that before. “That’s freakin’ genius!”

The four of them spent the rest of the night playing card games and board games, at some point also playing some movies and anime in the background. Before long, it was late into the night.

“We should probably get going,” Yuuki said, slowly rising to his feet. “Wouldn’t want to miss the train home.”

Ann got up and stretched. “I was actually going to stay the night if that’s okay with Shiho.”

“I can’t,” Ryuji said. “Gotta help my mom with chores tomorrow.”

“And I promised my sister we could play some games tonight,” Yuuki added on.

“Well, you two head back then. We don’t need you boys anyways,” Ann teased.

“Yeah, yeah,” Ryuji grumbled before turning to Shiho. “Hope today helped you a bit.”

“Of course it did,” Shiho replied with a bright smile. She opened her arms for a hug. “Come over here.” Ryuji and Yuuki both accepted hugs before heading out and going home.

Once the boys were gone, Ann and Shiho spent the night cuddled up together talking for hours until they got tired.

“Hey Ann?” Shiho said softly as the two began to drift off. “Thanks for this.”

“Hey, it was the guys too,” Ann pointed out.  “I can’t take all the credit.”

“But it was your idea, wasn’t it?”

“I mean yeah…but still, we all did our part because we wanted to see you happy.”

“I know you do…”

“I was kind of worried you might be mad to be honest. Like maybe we were being too intrusive or something.”

“Not at all! I’m…” Shiho found herself a bit choked up, but tried to fight back the tears. “I’m glad you all care so much. I felt so useless today but…you all made it a lot better.”

Ann smiled and kissed Shiho’s forehead. “I’m glad. That’s all I want to do for you, ever.”

“I love you so much, Ann. I don’t think I could ever thank you enough.”

“I love you too. Now let’s get some sleep, okay?”

The two fell asleep peacefully in each other’s arms, both so, so thankful for each other and all their friends

[juupajaa]

💍Honeymoon phase:

Honestly honeymoon phase is something else. I wish there were more studies done on this whole thing bc it is so wild and honestly if I ever become a cool science gal, I will do this research myself. I’m pretty sure honeymoon phase is the whole root of why recovery is so hard and this is definitely the most cruel and twisted stage of eating disorders, even if it’s not the one that causes the most mental and physical suffering.

Ok so now your ed/de has latched onto you and it has a bitching strategy: make you feel like it is helping you. 

In honeymoon phase, your disordered eating is working full time to make you feel better and in turn you are doing whatever it asks of you, in order to feel better. You are “willingly” taking part in disordered behaviour, and it feels like it is working. And you aren’t wrong, it probably is. There’s a good chance your behaviour is causing things to actually improve for you. Some might get compliments for their weight loss or attempts to eat healthier. Others might get more motivated to perform well and get praise from that. For some the new fascination is enough to make things feel better. 

This is the part where your disordered eating is forming into the special cocktail, tailored just for you and your current needs. You try things out and see what works to ease your discomfort. Your de hasn’t fully shifted into a full blown ed yet, but by now it’s on it’s way if it is to come. Your behaviour isn’t the same forever though. It might change along the course of the illness or the events in your life, and if you relapse at some point in your life, your ed/de might be very different from the last time.

In my life, I’ve had four episodes with my ed and each time the behaviour was very different and usually it evolved from one thing to another during the episode, but mostly revolving around one thing. First time I was counting calories like my life depended on it and it evolved into purging over time. Second time was a big ole binge-purge galore, but it had a twist of five consecutive days of starving between binging and purging. Third time I was mainly restricting, but it evolved into food hoarding with a single item diet. Fourth time it was starving and insane food rituals, which evolved into uncontrollable binges. Each of these episodes happened years apart and they went through the stages independently. 

Yet every damn time I fell for this shit like I didn’t know better. The first time, sure, I didn’t know what the hell was going on, but the second time? I was thinking: Oh, no I’m not gonna get into an ed again. I’m just throwing up a little, that’s all. The third time: Oh yeah, I’m not getting sick again, I just really like to hoard food. I’m not gonna eat any of it, but wow would you look at all this food! Fourth time: Yup, this time I got it. I’m gonna lose some weight and not be an idiot about it.

My point is that the honeymoon phase is so damn good, that even if you are fully aware that this might and will end badly, you’re going to go along with it, because it is working and you can’t deal with whatever is going on in your life right now. Here are some things you might experience during the honeymoon phase: 

an increased interest/concern/fascination with food/your looks/nutrition

a sense of having a new hobby, interest, skill or even personality or a friend or a life-style

being in a better mood when you get to engage in your behaviour, and getting irritated or upset if you can’t for whatever reason

your days start to revolve around food, but it’s still manageable

seeking a sense of control, pride, accomplishment, pleasure or satisfaction from engaging in disordered behaviour

you start seeking out information about food/nutrition/weight loss more or less daily, maybe even get lowkey obsessed with it (I used to have a folder on my laptop, full of pictures of food that I would just stare at every day and I dedicated a lot of time in updating and keeping it in order. Hi, my FBI agent, why u didn’t help me out dude?)

During honeymoon phase, you get all the perks of an ed, without the suffering part and it is pretty rosy, not gonna lie. Whatever was worrying you so much before, it’s easier to handle. It feels like you’re doing ok, maybe even good, but at least better than before. You might feel like you’re in complete control of your behaviour and that it isn’t affecting you negatively at all. This is of course false.

The key element of honeymoon phase is that sweet, sweet denial. Some might go full blown actual denial, not even entertaining the thought that this is an ed/de. It might feel like a conscious change in lifestyle and since it isn’t hurting you just yet, it is easy to think so. Others might get something called optimism bias, which is very common among people in general. A common example of optimism bias is that we don’t think car accidents will happen to us. To others sure, but not to us. In the case of optimism bias in an ed/de, you might be fully aware that this isn’t exactly normal and you probably shouldn’t be doing these things, yet the rewards you get from your behaviour are good enough for you to dismiss your concerns. You might even be fully aware that this is disordered behaviour and you might know all about the health risks, yet you are convinced bad things won’t happen to you because you are “not really sick”. Again, false. You are sick and this is how eds/de are. I repeat: Yes you back there, thinking you’re not really sick, just a fake fraud who wants to lose some weight but are too lazy to do it healthily. Trust me, if you were healthy, you’d be losing weight like healthy people do. Your disordered eating is keeping you from doing it, making your relationship with food too complicated for you to lose weight by the books. Same goes for you, dude in the back, thinking you just really love food and it’s normal to hide your eating habits from others out of shame or guilt. It isn’t normal.

Another thing that might happen is that you develop an interest in eds. You start seeking out information and media, anything you can find. You might feel insecure about yourself and wish you could change yourself as quick as possible, convinced that it won’t lead to an ed, because you need to be something special in order to have an ed. This is all normal disordered thinking and don’t feel badly if this was you in your honeymoon phase. You didn’t bring your problems to yourself, even if it feels like it. People without disordered thought patterns don’t actively try to mimic eds. They get bored or tired of it after the first few days or weeks.

What is so cruel and twisted about the honeymoon phase is that it lures you in with promises of better quality of life, hooking you in and making you give your disordered thought patterns time to cement themselves properly. Yet once honeymoon is over, your quality of life will start to sink back down, getting possibly much worse than what it was before your disordered behaviour. And not only that, it also makes you doubt you are sick at all, because you “actively took part in it, so it must have been willful and conscious”, which too is false. It is such a cunt and I hate this bitch so much. 

After the honeymoon phase, if your de will turn into an ed, it will, and if not, you might fall into a disordered eating cycle, and I will talk more about it in the next stage. While you can fall back from all the rest of the stages from this point on, honeymoon phase is something you can’t really ever return to during your current ed. Honeymoon requires you to be in some level of denial and once you slip out of denial, you can’t really fall back into it. This is of course very unfortunate for all of us, because this is the only point where our coping mechanism is actually helping us cope.

The good news is that this is still a very early stage of an ed/de and recovery is still rather quick and painless at this point. Should your situation improve and your coping mechanism to become useless, you might kind of just slip out of the de without any trouble at all. Or in case of other’s getting involved in the situation, the treatment is very effective, since your disordered thought patterns aren’t too strong. Yet. 

[proiida]

“plus ultra, go beyond.” it’s one of the core themes of bnha, and it’s a common theme in a lot of stories. after all, trying your hardest is typically a good thing. with the way that bnha writes it, though, often trying your hardest means pushing yourself past a reasonable limit. while there are certainly situations where this is necessary to ensure the survival of others, such as the number of times when all might pushes past the limit of one for all in order to ensure the safety of others, there are some situations where it’s just ridiculous to apply the mantra of “plus ultra”. doing so means sacrificing your physical or mental health in order to succeed in something that shouldn’t matter as much as life or death.

one of the best situations in which characters’ application of “plus ultra” is excessive is during the sports festival, a school event that pushes students to extreme actions to win, despite the relatively little harm that failing would cause. sure, failing would mean they lose a chance to show their skills to pro hero agencies, but it is no life or death situation. no two characters juxtapose each other quite so neatly in their approach to the sports festival as monoma neito and bakugou katsuki. the contrast between the two provides a great way to understand how bnha’s narrative promotes the idea of “plus ultra”.

now, why am i mentioning monoma, a character who is, in the grand scheme of the story, a pretty minor character? well, his introduction in the sports festival arc was likely very intentional and for greater purposes increasing class tension and comedic value. he plays a pretty important, yet subtle role in it. yes, he is mostly just seen starting shit with class 1-a and getting wrecked by bakugou’s intense ambition, but he gives us a way to compare the attitudes of the main characters with an “inappropriate” attitude. he is, to put it simply, the anti-“plus ultra”.

now, i am not saying that monoma’s approach to the sports festival was incorrect. hell, were the primary purpose of the sports festival not to put yourself out there for pro heroes to see, then the plan to make other classes underestimate class 1-b would have its merits. the primary purpose of the sports festival is what it is for the sake of advancing the narrative, though, and the narrative intends to portray monoma’s approach to the sports festiva as incorrect. he is in a story where one of the core messages is “plus ultra, go beyond,” meaning that he was doomed to fail from the beginning. that’s the point. we’re supposed to look at monoma and go, “well that didn’t work, which further proves that plus ultra is the way to go.”

but what exactly is monoma’s approach? well, let’s see a few of the actions he takes in the sports festival. i am going to include what monoma says was class 1-b’s approach to the sports festival, because it was likely driven by monoma, and monoma strongly identifies with class 1-b. first, class 1-b decides to throw the race and hang back so that they can scout class 1-a’s quirks. then, when monoma’s team in the cavalry battle goes from 2nd place to 4th place, he’s resigned to taking 4th place (only for bakugou to refuse to let monoma slide by without trying). in short, he lacks the “plus ultra” spirit that bnha so frequently refers to.

i believe the moment that most portrays monoma’s approach as incorrect is in the cavalry battle, with his team’s various clashes with team bakugou. now, you won’t hear me saying that bakugou’s character does something better than another character in bnha very often, but within the scope of the sports festival, he acts as the best example for “plus ultra”. midoriya, you say? jesus christ, no. i loathe to imagine how terrifying it would be to see a kid break that many bones on live television. unless “plus ultra” means “let’s all get seriously injured, thank god we have recovery girl here to allow us to do that!”, then. yeah. bakugou is the one we want to talk about here. (although, as i will discuss later, even bakugou’s practice of “plus ultra” ends up causing harm to him.)

so how does monoma foil bakugou, and by extension, the school’s motto of “plus ultra”? well, obviously, we’ve got to talk about bakugou’s actions during the sports festival to understand that. for starters, bakugou very clearly tries during the obstacle race, landing an impressive 3rd place. is he satisfied? no. in the obstacle race, bakugou, unlike monoma, refuses to settle for a place that will only get him to the next round. no, he wants an undisputable 1st, and he’s damn ready to take the million point headband from todoroki, even when his team has enough points to secure 2nd place. then, in the tournament, bakugou treats each of his opponents with a necessary respect by battling the best he can, expecting the same out of them. it’s his chance to prove that he’s the best on a level playing field, where he’s surrounded by peers who could actually give him a run for his money for the first time in his life. with the way he grew to see the world around him, he does not see any option outside of “plus ultra”. he would never even consider the strategy class 1-b took, because in his mind, to win, you just win. you don’t lose to win.

this idea of not losing to win. “plus ultra”, or if you’re really fancy, “ne plus ultra,” which quite so literally means “no further beyond”. the top is the top, and you just keep on going until you can’t possibly go any further. what all might says when rewarding bakugou with the first place medal (a scene i have a number of issues with, but that’s besides the point) really highlights the mindset bakugou takes. “in this world where people are constantly being compared publicly, there are not many who can keep aiming for the top of an unchanging scale.” unchanging is the keyword, this idea that personal achievement is not defined relative to others or to yourself, but rather defined by a position on an absolute scale. sure, there’s first place, which bakugou does end up getting in the sports festival, but then there’s “ne plus ultra”, the point where he isn’t just winning in comparison to others, but reaching the highest point of possible achievement.

being the absolute best that you can possible be sounds good and all, but when you consider the scope of human capability, it plays out pretty unhealthily. bakugou is basically that kid who sets the curve on a test, but breaks down in class because he didn’t get every question right. and as annoying as those kids may seem, especially when you aren’t considering what’s going on inside their minds, it is genuinely sad to think about the kind of perspective you have to have of the world to believe that first place isn’t good enough. you can’t relish the small victories, because for you, winning is the expectation. “plus ultra” becomes driving yourself to a standard that is simply unrealistic to reach every single time. by taking out the sense of relativity, it becomes less about doing the best you can do, and more about doing the best anyone can do, which are two very different concepts with two very different impacts on a person.

now, to bring things back to what i really wanted to talk about, one of the frequently repeated phrases in bnha. is “plus ultra” really the best way to go? i mean, at the end of the day, it is just a sports festival. it’s one thing for all might to push himself past the limit in a situation where failing to means putting his students in grave danger. it’s another thing to consider the physical and mental strain put on midoriya and bakugou because of a school event. and yes, i include midoriya, because this is the arc when he starts feeling the pressure to becoming the next symbol of peace (and again, the arc where he breaks way too many bones on live television). these are kids almost fresh out of middle school, being told, “yep, this event pretty much determines your future, and you’ve only got three chances at it.” i mean, from a purely narrative point of view, it does up the stakes of things, but jesus christ, the things it does to some of these kids is sad. it shouldn’t have to be something you get that torn up over, whether physically or mentally.

while i understand that bnha is a shounen manga and that it’s difficult to just scrap the high-pressure stakes of the sports festival, i do believe more could have been done to address the consequences of these extreme “plus ultra” attitudes. you can’t present the idea that “plus ultra is the way to go”, while simultaneously showing that there are serious effects to this attitude. so far, we’ve seen so many instances within bnha of how trying too hard causes more harm than good, and yet there has been no direct commentary made on the motto’s negative impacts on the characters. “plus ultra” is still a motto that is portrayed as inspirational, which sends some pretty conflicting messages. i can understand that it’s probably hard to tackle the issue. “try your hardest!” seems like an innocent enough message, and you don’t want to necessarily say you shouldn’t try. there has to be a way to go about promoting trying your hardest without saying, “work yourself to the point of breaking”, though.

[namjin-workshop]

Fanfic Idea: 2/?

You know what AU I weirdly want?

A Mulan-style ABO AU, probably set in whatever period Hwarang is or something like that (I know nothing of Korean history oops but I like period-piece type stuff). 

I’m just gonna babble under the cut about all the shit I’ve been thinking about for this ever since rewatching Mulan for fun like a week ago.

Obviously like the movie, there’s some big threat to the kingdom so every family is forced to send at least one Alpha or Beta to fight for the war in the name of the King.

Omegas aren’t permitted (punishable by death) to join, mostly for the belief that they’re weaker or too delicate. There’s also the fear that one will go into Heat and cause distraction, or worse, send the entire army into a fight to claim the Omega as their mate.

Of course in proper Mulan style, Seokjin is an Omega who pretends to be an Alpha/Beta to take his injured/aging father’s place in secret. He’s taller than average, with wide shoulders and can talk a big game if he has to. It’s made people question his status before and should be easy, right? All he needs is some kind of medicine to suppress his heats. That’s where Hoseok comes in.

Healers and a few rare attendants are the only Omegas allowed in the army encampment/training grounds. The area for the medics (both Beta and Omega), is kept farther out and sectioned off, and the Omega healers are considered celibate, not allowed to mate, and are never allowed outside their area unless summoned for work. They must also take special herbal mixtures to suppress their heats and block their scents so as not to cause trouble when tending to wounded soldiers.

Jung Hoseok is a well-known and much loved young healer and when Seokjin sneaks out, taking his father’s armor and the sealed scroll of his family, Hoseok accidentally finds him on the edge of camp. He easily smells that Seokjin is a fellow Omega but, upon hearing Seokjin’s story, agrees to help and secretly provides him with the suppressant elixirs designed for Omegas (instead of the standard rut suppressant given to most of the soldiers). Hoseok doesn’t want to be confined to his role in life either and has been trying to work out and train himself to fight despite not knowing where to really start. He becomes a tutor of sorts to try to keep Seokjin’s real status a secret as Seokjin awkwardly struggles with training. Helping one another, Seokjin teaches Hoseok what he learns in training and techniques with weapons, while Hoseok helps Seokjin train his body not to be so clumsy and how to work with his own physical advantages and disadvantages. 

While trying to find time to prepare the medics for a war and training with Seokjin by moonlight, Hoseok somehow meets a smaller than average and rather reserved Alpha, Min Yoongi, who winds up in his medical tent after getting into one too many fights. Though Yoongi initially seems cold and easy to anger, Hoseok starts to realize that the bruises and scrapes he has are from being picked on for his size and fighting to protect the other members in his squadron. Yoongi sticks to his morals and believes that Omegas shouldn’t be treated any different from anyone else and hates that Alphas are expected to be or act in a specific way. Fraternization is strictly not allowed within the army, but the more they hang out together the more Yoongi and Hoseok start to have to hide their budding feelings for one another.

Meanwhile Jimin is the Omega attendant to the General of the troops and treated as more of a glorified secretary than the capable man he is. An old friend of Hoseok’s, he too wants to learn to fight and defend himself because more than anything he wishes to join the fight to protect someone special. He’s been madly in love with one of the Beta recruits, a young man named Taehyung, since they were both children, and followed him into the war to try and keep him safe.If that meant using his family’s and Hoseok’s connections to become an attendant, so be it. They would never train him to fight, but Jimin is clever and sneaky and begins to pick up info on strategies, techniques, and military intel while working beside the General. He also takes any chance he can get to sneak into the barracks and tents to visit Taehyung and a new, very young recruit that Taehyung has taken an interest in named Jungkook.

Jungkook had only just presented as an Alpha before being forced to join the army as no other Alpha/Beta member of his family was able-bodied enough. Naive and scared, he starts clinging to people like Yoongi and Taehyung and eventually meets Seokjin, Hoseok, and Jimin as well. With their help and attention, he begins to come out of his shell, showing more promise than even some of the more experienced recruits. But as the training gets harder and a real battle looms suddenly on the horizon, Jungkook is scared to realize he’s started to have feelings for not just Taehyung but Jimin as well, even though he unintentionally overhead them talking about becoming mates once the war had ended.

Caught amidst the blooming friendships and constant secrets is the newly appointed Captain and trainer for all the fresh recruits: Kim Namjoon. Intelligent, brave, and a brilliant leader. But he’s young, desperate to prove himself, clumsy with his people skills, and still untested in the field of battle. He has a very limited amount of time to get his gaggle of brand new trainees battle-ready. It’s only made more complicated when he starts to have feelings for a loud, awkward, and unusually beautiful new recruit - one he’s never heard of despite coming from a well-known and high-status family. As Seokjin slowly starts to prove himself capable in unexpected ways (like his skills in survival, cooking, and an analytical mind), Namjoon isn’t sure how to deal with the fact that he’s falling for a man he believes to be another Alpha even as the General is breathing down his neck about tradition, status, and the war itself.

When they’re all unexpectedly forced into battle as back-up to the main fleet of soldiers, the ingenuity and skills of Hoseok, Jimin, and Seokjin end up saving the day against the odds (and the rules). But Seokjin gets badly injured saving Namjoon’s life during the fight, so everyone is willing to overlook that a medic and attendant Omega got caught up in the fight. While Seokjin finally earned the respect of all the other troops, disaster strikes when, during his recovery, he is unable to take the suppressants and unexpectedly goes into heat - revealing his status to the entirety of their squadron. 

Discovering the depth of the deception, Seokjin and the other Omegas are threatened with death. Seokjin proclaims that he tricked the two into helping him to no avail, but Yoongi and Jungkook to step in. The two Alphas claim that they knew about the deception all along but did not expose them for fear of losing the ones they love. Yoongi proclaims that if Hoseok and Jimin die, they will have to be killed first. Unwilling to lose two of the best warriors they have, along with a skilled medic and a surprisingly clever attendant, the two Omegas are pardoned.

Seokjin, on the other hand, still faces death for what he did, despite his pleas that he meant only to save his poor father. As head of the squadron, the General claims that it falls to Namjoon to deliver the killing blow. He spares his life though to repay the debt of Seokjin saving him. The three Omegas are left to turn back in shame, despite protests from Yoongi, Taehyung, and Jungkook who are forced to continue on with the rest of the soldiers.

The troops head for the capital for reward from the King, while the Omegas must pack up and try to return home. But Seokjin is still injured, feverish, and refuses to be aided through his heat despite Hoseok and Jimin’s worry. When the three realize though that not all of the enemy army perished during the battle, they hurry to warn everyone.

Of course they all have to save the day in some way, and I want some good hurt/comfort shit of an unwell Seokjin trying to protect everyone and overcoming his weakness. Of course no one wants to pay any attention to an Omega, never mind one that is seemingly “rambling” about enemies while he’s obviously in heat. Plus the struggle of being perceived as an object of lust by the enemy while also seen as weak/helpless - which obviously Seokjin wouldn’t be, especially with all the other members try to help him. Of course then there’d be Jimin and Hoseok proving they can fight, the other Alphas helping in ways other than just combat, and the big OT7 team-up we all want/need. Not to mention some fluffy and smutty stuff after with Namjoon helping Jin through his heat and everyone getting together/mated (cause Namjin, Sope, and Vminkook are what we all need).

[rough-and-whump]

Rough is a Whumpee

So, yeah, this might end up being a series, ha ha! I tend to hurt myself a lot and this might be a fun thing for me.

Please keep in mind: I might “whumpify” some of my experiences to make it more interesting in a whump context.

I’m not sure if this might be a trigger for anyone, but obvs don’t read this too much if you don’t like the idea of “whump” type things happening to real people. 

Again, I do this for fun, and I’m as clumsy as a three-legged camel walking blindfolded and backwards on a snow-capped mountain.

Some context:

I do karate. Been practicing for about 9 years. I started as an adult and am one of the longer standing members of my club right now. Most of my peers in the front line have been practicing for 20+ years.

I have chosen to do this to myself, because it’s part of what I view as “my journey” as a martial artist. Plus also, I mean, my injuries in karate have never been that serious - I’m partially lucky, but mostly smart about how I fight and who I fight, lol!

I totally have a lot of times when I get hurt. Most times, it’s not bad - it’s just low-level stuff that bothers me during the day. But when I describe it, it definitely does sound bad - I find it’s okay, like, I can still function; but lots of folks I talk to about my injuries look at me like I’m stupid. But, frankly, I can’t afford to just stay home whenever I feel a bit uncomfortable. XD

The incident:

Canada Day Parade with my karate club. It’s been rainy and wet. We know that this makes boards harder to break, but we (me and my student) still wanted to do it. 

Boards seem fine, our test breaks two days before the Parade went well.

Parade time. First three breaks for me go fine. But there’s definitely more hurt in these boards than the ones we broke last year. Still decide to go ahead.

Break four, last of the parade. In front of a group of small kids, namely girls. It’s my student and my fave corner for breaks since the crowd is usually really amped up. 

It’s been raining now for the last twenty minutes - our boards are soaked. We know this, but we still go for it because we’re idiots.

I set up for an elbow break. I’ve done two of these and a front punch break all fine up to now. So I figure, okay, I can do this. Just all the power.

Fire it up, annnnnd... first one - bounce. Don’t swear, try again. Full power. Bounce.

I switch to a hammer fist break and get through it, but ooowwwwwww.

The consequence:

I have some righteous bruising on my elbow and hand from my two good elbow breaks, the front punch and the hammer fist. I don’t bruise easily and I have an olive/tan skin tone, so bruises don’t generally show through. But these are a niiiiice deep purple, ha ha!

Aaaaaand I have a separated AC joint in my right shoulder.

The whump, mental side:

The doubt of whether or not the injury is actually as bad as it is.

Don’t want to seem “weak”, so I often brush off pain that requires frequent and often medication.

Also don’t want to make a big deal if this really isn’t so bad. It isn’t a full on dislocation, it’s fixable, so it can’t be that bad.

Buuuut, legit it hurts. I refuse to take a bunch of painkillers because I don't like how they make me feel. I'm trying to make do using weed and rest.

Part of why I'm purposefully avoiding strong pain killers is also because when I've done that in the past, I've also ended up trying to "push through" my injury and it makes my recovery longer.

Extending on the point above: I’m purposefully choosing to feel more pain so that I know when to kinda pull back from what I’m doing. This said, I still feel it. So I’m spending the day with increased tension in my neck (manifesting headaches to boot) and a bit of mind fog from just having to devote some of my mind to ignoring the pain.

Details on the painkiller thing: I’m choosing not to use Robax, Motrin, or Tylenol much because I legit had a problem with them a few years back. I never developed any actual bad liver or kidney problems, but I was taking about a bottle of Robax Platinum every week for three weeks at one point. That’s a lot of Robax. And that was a recent blip. Before I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety and Clinical Depression, I turned to Robax and alcohol to manage my symptoms of panic and feelings of worthlessness. It really did a number on me. There were a lot of factors pushing me into that corner. Honestly, I wish I had access to weed at that time, because it would have helped me so much to have alternative, healthier, and less harmful pain relief and anxiety help. 

When I first stopped taking Robax and chose to just deal with the pain as best I could, it took me about a month to realize that I was feeling better and better and better. I didn’t know why - I thought hey maybe it was just weather or something. But after some more reflection and a bit of experimentation, I found that it was actually the chemical painkillers that made me feel that way.

Legit I was addicted to painkillers. I went from liking the relief I got from two Robax at a time to needing to take four at a time to get a sort of “high” feeling - I could put on “robax glasses” that made it easier to deal with my abusive boss, the blatant illegal activity happening at work, and the toxic work environment and shit pay.

The whump, physical stuff (aka the good stuff):

I can’t lift my right arm over my head, combined with being a creature of habit and right handed, it’s lead to a lot of “fuck, ow!” moments when reaching up for some stationary at the office or when reaching for something in the cabinets in the kitchen.

Sharp pains occasionally - not often - kind of radiates up and down in severity. I can’t find a trigger for it yet, if there is one. It could just be pain ‘cause it’s a busted shoulder. 

Pains tend to be:

“heat” at the shoulder itself

“radiating” lines of tension and sharp pulling pains up across the collarbone towards the base of the neck, up the side of the neck, into the right side of my head (somehow?! when I went to get accupuncture, that point was suuuuper effective/painful), and down towards the meeting point of all the lat muscles in the mid back.

The neck pain is the worst, it sends shooting pains up the right side of my head, and definitely puts me “on edge”.

Typing is a fresh horror. I work an office job in tech and do a lot of typing in my day, so I had to figure out with our office wellness dude (who is such a darling and so sweet, and legit he and I schedule “meetings” that end up just us chatting about our weekend adventures) how to set up my station so I keep my arm internally rotated.

Side note: legit, this separated shoulder thing is a much bigger deal than I think I want it to be. I’m scared of it, really. I don’t want to lose the full function of my right arm - I need to fight with it, plus I need to still be able to “Simba raise” my cat into the air on sunny mornings.

He was telling me I should look into getting a sling so it’s supported while I’m just sitting/not using it. I’m ok without one at work cause I can set up my station so my elbow is supported and I can keep my arm internally rotated. But like, this guy doesn’t make a big deal out of nothing - if he’s advising me to get a sling, I really should consider it... he’s a trained kinesiologist and former physiotherapist, like, he knows what he’s talking about. XD

Headache onset by 11:25 AM. Shit, I wish I took my CBD oil to work. 

It’s definitely a constant presence in my mind - it makes working harder to a degree because a part of my mind is just always firing. But at the same time, work is also better because I have a reason to kind of fully invest myself mentally into work - the pain also sort of drives it. But it’s exhausting and unsustainable. 

Fictional Whump Thoughts From This:

Again, this is me dramatizing my thoughts. I don’t actually think exactly like this - there are parts that are true, but most of it is just me using my experience as a whump jumping point.

“Ah! Fuck... Dammit.” (in response to trying to do a movement drill on Saturday but realizing even just pulling back my left arm with power makes my right shoulder hurt)

“No no, I’m good, it’s okay. It’s just that it hurts a bit and I can’t lift heavy things, but I can still do a lot - it’s okay.”

“Hey, uh, could, um, could I get help out to the car with this?” (sheepishly asked at the grocery store for four measly bags - I ended up just carrying the light stuff on the right side and taking forever because it took too long and I was too embarrassed to wait for help. I’m otherwise able, so I shouldn’t use resources, right?)

“Oh, no, it’s fine - it’s a small price to pay, really. I felt super badass.” (Truth, but some people don’t get it)

[This is less fictional more real, but let’s say it’s dramatized a bit]: I’m really glad this happened to me and not one of my students. I’ve trained for this. And I signed up to do the board breaking knowing it would be harder, more risky and I would certainly be injured. If nothing else, I anticipated bloodied knuckles (I still have the scars from last year’s parade). This would have seriously injured a younger, less experienced student of mine - and would have had lasting mental consequences. Especially done in a public setting like a parade. A lot of people think the boards we break are fake or styrofoam. McDojos might do that, but my club has a history of hard, traditional-style training. Our boards are half inch pine. They’re easier to break, but they still hurt.

“fuck, this is hard without painkillers... this without painkillers or weed?... ugh, my day is gonna be way harder than it should be.”

[In response to my boyfriend’s question of ‘what can I do to make it better?’]: “Naw, I’m good, it’s just me complaining. Don’t mind me, it’s fine. Just complaining about it makes it easier to deal with the pain.”

There’s a definite sense of irritation that I can’t do my usual activities to reduce tension in my neck. I can’t shake my head quickly, my neck mobility is limited, I’m getting tension pains in my left trap now, great.

When I’m in consistent, low-level pain, I often forget to breathe. When deep breathing pulls on the muscles in the shoulder due to how all the torso muscles connect, it makes it even worse.

Okay, legit tho, I’m starting to feel bummed out. So I’mma go throw myself into work.

Again, this is something I did to myself. A lot of my online friends don’t get why I’m so dedicated to this. But I’ve noticed martial artists all react to my injuries with the same reaction I have - sympathetic, but ultimately we’re a bunch of testosterone-ridden fools who like to brag about battle scars. And then ask for heat packs or back rubs ‘cause we’re bunches of teddy bears when we’re not fighting each other.

Anyways, legit this could probably turn into a series for me. I tend to be the whumpee or the caretaker in a lot of scenarios. 

Is this something y’all are good with? Would you prefer this be formatted differently? Anything else you want to know? Otherwise I’mma keep doin’ it just like this.

[despairforme]

33: Talk about what you do when you are sad. 35: Talk about things you wish you could stop doing.

“TALK ABOUT” MEME | ACCEPTING .

33 - Talk about what you do when you are sad.

     ❝ Sad? Who ‘da fuck ‘s SAD? I ain’t no fuckin’ bitch who gets all upset. ❞ — What a fucking bad lie. If there was ONE person in the fucking world who had an act for getting upset, it was him. He HATED that his mental state was so unstable, and that it took very little to knock him down. These days, he wasn’t even physically strong, so needless to say - he felt like shit. The thing was, he didn’t act much differently when he was sad. Hell, he had been sad for the majority of his life. Depression had always followed close in his footsteps. Sure, he never referred to it as ‘ depression ‘, because that made him sound like some emo bitch, but he KNEW that in reality - it was depression. It had been a while since he had tasted it, since he had been so HAPPY with Grimmjow. But - after all the shit that had gone down, Nnoitra had slipped back into his dark moods, even going as far as to get a touch of that old deathwish. But, THANKFULLY, things were looking up. Now that he had gotten to TALK with Grimmjow ( and let out his anger on him, maybe he should apologize for that? ), he did feel better. At least he didn’t have so many questions in his head anymore. He didn’t need to make up his own depressive answers either. So, what HAD he done during these days? Mostly, he had just laid in bed or on the couch, but that had been more because of his headache than anything. Or at least he liked to think so. He HAD gotten shot in the fucking head after all, so he needed rest. Hell, he should actually be in a rehabilitation program at the hospital, but they couldn’t afford that shit. In addition to the headache, Nnoitra’s right hand still had a weakness to it. This really worried him. The worry combined with that throbbing headache left him feeling sort of nauseous, which kept him from eating as much as he should. So - he had lost weight. Nnoitra knew from experience that he COULDN’T lose weight without it being a serious risk to his health. He was already underweight, so he had no kilos to spare. He knew that if he had been physically fine, but still feeling… Well - sad - he would’ve done what he always did. He would’ve gone to work every night, kicked ass and gone home again. It was hard though, to imagine being sad while he was dating Grimmjow. Fair enough, these past few weeks had been depressive as hell, and that was mostly Grimmjow’s fault, but ey - it was okay now. Nnoitra had no problem forgiving him. How could he not? He had been so fucking precious with that confession. A confession Nnoitra simply HAD to believe.

35 - Talk about things you wish you could stop doing.

     The second question proved easier to answer honestly to. As much as Nnoitra didn’t like to admit his flaws, he KNEW there was a lot of shit he wished he could stop doing. BAD habits, so to say.  ❝ Jeez, where do I start? I wish I could stop leavin’ empty bottles ‘n shit in ‘da fridge. I know that really annoys Grimmjow. ❞ It was the first thing that came to mind. The NUMBER ONE thing he wanted to stop doing was always assuming the worst. It caused him an endless amount of unnecessary worry and suffering. After all, it was his own dumb self who had started to assume that Grimmjow didn’t care about him or their relationship. He had honestly thought that Grimmjow wasn’t happy with him, and that he didn’t even WANT to be with him. All because he had overreacted to Grimmjow’s actions. Yeah, overreacting was another thing he wished he’d stop doing. He also wished he’d stop being bothered about his skinny build. He wished he’d stop finding it so hard to say ‘ I love ya ‘ to his boyfriend.  ❝ I wish I’d stop bein’ so fuckin’ paranoid. ❞ He admitted, scratching the knuckles on his right hand. Yeah, this was actually a BIG problem for him, especially after getting shot. He KNEW it was because of actual brain damage that he was feeling this way. He hadn’t really understood what the doctor was talking about, but apparently the bullet had passed close to the ‘ fear center ‘ in his brain, so… Yeah. But, at the same time, the doctors had agreed that he would most likely make a FULL recovery. Nnoitra fucking hoped that included this feeling of anxiety he got if he went outside. Then again… He had only felt that way on his way home to the apartment. After that, he hadn’t even GONE outside, so maybe it wasn’t so bad anymore? He should at least try. Especially since he needed to get a birthday gift for his boyfriend.  ❝ I wish I could stop bein’ such a fuckin’ pussy when it comes ‘ta water. ❞ This statement left him with a snort. Being able to enjoy himself in the water would be cool, especially since Grimmjow was a big fan of the ocean. Nnoitra didn’t like it. He didn’t like being wet or cold - and he couldn’t swim. There were probably a MILLION more things he could’ve added to the list of things he wished he’d stop doing, but thinking about all this negative stuff was… shitty. He had FINALLY gotten through this bad period, so he would rather just focus on that. 

[screechinginternetcloud]

Reget For Mac

Many authors have written eloquently at great length on the horrors of war. Ulsterman writes equally eloquently, but much more succinctly, on the same subject in 'Mac Walker's Regret,' a story that will stay with readers long after they finish it.

After you've chosen a name for the disk after it's erased, choose Mac OS Extended (Journaled) from the dropdown menu and click Erase. (If you want to encrypt your disc for extra security.

Regrets

ReGet Junior is a download manager created especially for novices. You don't need to configure anything, the program will automatically detect settings for. Enter to Search.

By Bernadeen

A/N: Thanks for your reviews. Here's the last chapter.

Chapter 7

Harm continued to recover at an amazing rate. When Mac went to see him the next day, he was out of ICU. The following day he was sitting in a chair when she entered his room. They joked and flirted, almost like old times, but both knew a time would come to talk about this new closeness.

Two weeks later, the doctors told Harm he could be go home if someone was there to look after him. When the news was conveyed to Mattie, she immediately said she would stay out of school to take care of him. Harm made it clear that Mattie was not to miss school on his behalf. In the end, Mac was able to clear her schedule and persuade the admiral that she should be with Harm during the day. The doctors expected that Harm wouldn't need help for more than a week.

A routine was established wherein Mac arrived at Harm's just after breakfast. Coates would take Mattie to school while Mac took over 'Harm watch' for the day. Harm didn't really need physical help – it was mostly to ensure that he didn't overdo things, to pick up groceries or prescriptions since Harm wasn't allowed to drive yet, and to keep him from going stir crazy in his apartment.

At first, they were slightly awkward with each other, but Mac was determined that nothing would slow up Harm's recovery. Therefore, she was persistently cheerful and ready to help Harm in anything he needed, almost before he knew he needed it. In fact, it was Mac who sometimes felt a bit stir crazy since Harm's recovery included long naps during the day. She brought files with her so that she was able to feel productive both as a friend and as a lawyer.

Near the end of the week, Mac drove Harm to Bethesda for a follow up doctor's appointment. The doctor was pleased with Harm's progress. He no longer needed someone with him in his apartment. The doctor scheduled another appointment in a week, but expected that if Harm's recovery continued at the current pace, it was likely that Harm would be cleared for limited duty after that.

When Mac and Harm arrived back at Harm's apartment, both were in a thoughtful mood. Mac tried to sound cheerful as she said, 'Well, I guess my temporary assignment is finished. You'll be glad to have you privacy back, I expect.'

Reget For Mac Os

Harm gazed at her with sadness and longing. 'I was getting used to having you around… I liked it.'

Mac's almost made some flippant remark, but stopped herself in time. Instead, she thoughtfully returned his look. 'So did I,' she said honestly.

Harm stepped closer to Mac and raised his hand to touch her cheek. 'Mac, I don't want to go back to where we were before I got shot. I know we've both hurt each other a lot lately, but … can we just go on from here? … I don't want to lose your friendship again.'

At Harm's first words, Mac's heart began to race. Finally, they could be honest in their feelings. Then his last words dealt her a discouraging blow. He only wanted friendship. She hesitated a few seconds before responding, needing to control her disappointment. She wasn't quite successful as her voice trembled slightly. 'I don't want to lose your friendship either,' she agreed but didn't quite meet his eyes.

Instantly Harm knew he had made yet another mistake, but wasn't sure what it was. This time, though, he wasn't about to back down. 'Mac, talk to me. I know I just said something wrong, but I don't know what. I don't understand.'

'No, you didn't,' Mac tried to speak convincingly. Harm didn't need the added stress of knowing how she felt and feeling guilty for not being able to return her love. Besides, her self-preservation was beginning to kick in. She continued with more confidence, 'I value your friendship more than you'll ever know, Harm.' Then she grinned. 'And I'm looking forward to kicking your butt in court again.'

'Oh, no, you don't. You're not getting away with that diversionary tactic this time. Tell me why you looked so sad just then. Please?' Harm's instincts told him they needed to be honest with each other now or it might never happen.

Mac sighed and turned away from him. She paced across the room, turned back and stopped a few feet away, as she gathered her strength around her. Drawing a deep breath, she took the plunge, 'I was sad because you only want my friendship while I … I want your … love.'

Harm could hardly believe Mac's words. His heart began to beat harder and faster, causing a dull pain in his still healing chest. When, by reflex, he brought his arm up to cover his chest and went slightly pale, Mac felt a stab of terror and instantly regretted her words.

'Harm .. Harm, are you all right?' She moved quickly to take his arm and lead him the couch. 'God, I knew this wasn't the right time to get into that discussion. I am so sorry.' She sank down beside him, slipping an arm around his waist.

Harm was slightly short of breath, more from excitement than from any pain. 'Mac, I'm fine. You just caught me off guard.' He turned to her and again lifted his fingers to her face. His voice was like a soft caress, 'you have my love, Sarah, don't you know that? You've had it for very long time.'

Mac could only stare. No words would form in her brain so she simply leaned forward, sliding both arms around Harm and holding him tight. His strong arms answered her embrace. They just held each other as both of them soaked up the new feeling of knowing each was loved. After a few minutes they drew back far enough to confirm the knowledge as they saw the love and longing in their gaze. Almost reverently they shared their first kiss as lovers, a kiss that quickly became urgent with need. Mac's lips parted as she invited Harm's tongue to explore, then she took her turn tasting and caressing. As their embrace escalated and threatened to become out of control, Mac finally drew back. 'Harm, slow down. I don't want you to overdo things. You're still recovering.'

Drawing a deep, calming breath, Harm loosened his embrace. 'The way I feel now, I'd chance it, but you're probably right. I love you and I've waited a long time for you. I don't want to wait a second longer than necessary, so the sooner I'm healed, the sooner we can continue this, right?'

Mac smiled shyly, 'I love you, too.' Her smile became more sly. 'And we can practice a little more each day, just to build your strength.' As she gazed into his eyes, her smile faded and she became more pensive. 'When I thought I was going to lose you, I didn't know how I would live without you. You've been in danger so many times, and each time I've been terrified. But afterward I could never bring myself to tell you how I felt. I thought you only wanted to be friends. And I wanted so much more. That night as I waited to learn whether you would live, I had so many regrets – regrets for a lost friendship, regrets for not trying again to tell you how I felt, regrets for the promise of a baby that might never be conceived, regrets for so many lost opportunities. We've waited so long and we still have some things to work out, but this is it, isn't it, Harm? .. what we've both always wanted? '

Harm drew Mac back into a strong embrace as he answered, 'Yes, my love. This is it.' And he proceeded to show Mac a glimpse of their future.

End

Post #1,000 on this blog. Fitting that it’s Python nerd shit, huh?

I needed a way to search for MAC addresses, which are unique identifiers for networking hardware. For example, if your computer has a built-in Ethernet port, as well as wireless capability, then it has 2 MAC addresses. These are always 6 groups of 2 hexadecimal characters (0 through 9, and A through F). E.g., a valid MAC address would be: 01:98:DF:9E:10:37. Theoretically, every MAC address on every computer in the world will be unique, as the naming scheme provides over 281 trillion possible combinations (281,474,976,710,656).

Canonically these groups of 2 hex digits are separated by a colon, but many people record them with hyphens instead. So I needed to search for this particular pattern of characters amid a potentially-vast amount of text. Enter regular expressions (which I totally suck at using).

The regex I came up with is:

Going through it, piece by piece: [a-fA-F0-9] = find any character A-F, upper and lower case, as well as any number [a-fA-F0-9]{2} = find that twice in a row [a-fA-F0-9]{2}[:|-] = followed by either a “:” or a “-” character (the backslash escapes the hyphen, since the hyphen itself is a valid metacharacter for that type of expression; this tells the regex to look for the hyphen character, and ignore its role as an operator in this piece of the expression) [a-fA-F0-9]{2}[:|-]? = make that final “:” or “-” character optional; since the last pair of characters won’t be followed by anything, and we want them to be included, too; that’s a chunk of 2 or 3 characters, so far ([a-fA-F0-9]{2}[:|-]?){6} = find this type of chunk 6 times in a row

Let’s give it a shot.

First, a list of strings… e.g., a row from a comma-delimited file (returned via the csv module):

Run it:

Reset For Macbook

Next, a string:

Run it:

Reget For Macbook

Fuckin’ bickety-bam, the whole stage comes crashing down.

[vidia-x-marsden]

( selena gomez, 26, cisfemale, she / her ) Was that VIDIA MARSDEN? I heard a rumor they work for the FAUST family, but who knows for sure ? They can be a bit CAUSTIC & BLUNT, but I also heard they can be CHARISMATIC & GREGARIOUS. You’ll usually find them at TAKEDOWN GYM in their spare time, when they’re not being a FAUST CAPOREGIME / OWNER OF THE BLUE ORCHID. You may want to keep an eye on that one!

tw: domestic violence, domestic violence towards a pregnant woman, alcoholism

Full Name: Vidianna Adora Marsden Nickname(s): Vidia, Vidi Age: 26  Birthday: July 15th Zodiac: Cancer Occupation: Owner of The Blue Orchid (a luxurious spa). Gang Affiliation: Faust (as a Caporegime)

- F A M I L Y -

Father: Emilio De Silva Mother: Georgia Marsden Children: Has a two-year-old daughter named Angelica

Ex-Fiancée: Malcolm (prison)

- P E R S O N A L I T Y -

(+) Affable, Gregarious, Charismatic, Perceptive, Motherly  (-) Caustic, Cunning, Impatient, Blunt, Cautious 

Vidia is a very motherly type of character - her maternal instincts are constantly on overdrive, so she will literally smother you with mama energy if she’s given the chance. She absolutely loves children and sees anyone younger than her as someone she needs to care for...despite that rarely actually being the case.

Very meticulous and likes organization over being disorganized, and that includes everything - from her daily schedules, to her living space, to the rules of the Fausts, etc. Literally, unorganized chaos drives her crazy. Organized mess, on the other hand - that is the chaos that she thrives on.

She is mostly quite easy to talk to and to get along with, but she is also very stubborn and will fight and go toe-to-toe with someone if push come to shove.

Also, she does have a dark and sadistic side to her - violence and blood bring it out in her. She loves it. Odd, given her passed experience with such things, but she says that fighting and killing or watching someone else fight and kill - it keeps her grounded and reminds her that she wasn’t weak or someone who took anyone’s shit laying down.

- L I K E S   /   D I S L I K E S

Likes / Interests:

Being a mother

Reading

Ice Skating

Boating

Hair & Makeup

Running her business

Dancing

Going to the gym and working out

Huge foodie

Cooking

Baking

Dislikes:

Unorganized rules

Mess

Feeling useless

- B I O G R A P H Y -

Vidia Marsden was a young woman of many talents, raised in an extremely wealthy household where ambition and success was revered. She was encouraged from a very young age to dip her toes into as many pools as possible, and that’s exactly what she did, starting with dance classes at five and gymnastics at six - both of those she continued with up until she was out of high school. She took an interest in cooking and baking when she was also very young, and was taught to know her way around the kitchen from her family’s live-in cook, Lucinda. Those lessons she still maintained and worked on, to this day. She absolutely loved being in the kitchen - when she was stressed or angry, and needed to work off steam, you will most likely find her in the kitchens, making something (or in a gym somewhere, hitting shit).

When she was a little bit older, around nine, she started taking an interest in learning about makeup and hair, having accompanied her mother to The Blue Orchid - one of the many spas that her family owned - on numerous occasions. She fell in love with cosmetology and the whole process of cutting and styling hair, and the flawless application of makeup and how transformative both could be. She’d been utterly transfixed.

In high school, she played tennis and joined the cheer squad her freshman year, whilst participating in a handful of school committees, such as the yearbook and dance committee, and the student council as the treasurer (freshman and sophomore year), and then the president (junior and senior year). She wasn’t by any means the most popular girl in school - never wanted to be, either - but she was very well liked, all the same. She had a natural charisma about her that people seemed to be drawn to and that kept her friend circle large and ever growing.

Born in Los Angeles, California, but was raised in Chicago, Illinois.

Daughter of two extremely wealthy individuals. Her father, Emilio De Silva, was a well to-do hotshot attorney based in Los Angeles, California, while her mother, Georgia, was an heiress to a mass fortune - more specifically, a multi-million dollar corporation that specialized in luxury spas and individual hair & nail salons, world-wide. 

The company, Marsden Spas Corporation, was established in Los Angeles in 1928, by her entrepreneurial great-great grandfather, R.D. Marsden, and has grown exponentially over the decades, with hundreds of their new businesses sprouting up all over the country and even a few globally. Destination spas, day spas, mineral spas, med spas...and a plethora of hair, nail and cosmetic salons.

Vidia’s parents were never married. In fact, when she was five, the two of them split up, and instead of staying in Los Angeles, Georgia took Vidia and moved the two of them to Chicago. 

After the split, Vidia hardly ever saw her father. Once every few years, he’d have her flown over to southern California to spend a holiday with him, and he called maybe three or four times a year, if that. They didn’t really have much of a relationship during her childhood - Emilio was far too dedicated to his work to be a real father. He showered her with gifts and money from afar, but the parental dedication just wasn’t there. He loved her, but it was rare that he told her that.

When her maternal grandfather died from a heart attack, all of the responsibilities of running the family business fell onto Georgia, and to Vidia, who was set to inherit it all after her.

After high school, Vidia went to cosmetology school and studied business on the side. She already had very impressive hair and makeup skills and a deep knowledge for skin care, after spending a childhood around experts in those fields, learning and being mentored. It was her niche and she absolutely loved it.

When she was eighteen, she was introduced to the Fausts but she didn’t join the mafia until the following year. (looking to plot this out with someone, before I expand on the reasons that she joined).

After graduating college, she got a job at the The Blue Orchid as a hair and makeup artist whilst jumping in when needed to help her mother run the corporation as a whole.

At the age of twenty-two, Vidia met her now ex-fiancée, Malcolm. The two dated for two years before he finally proposed and they were set to get married...but then things just seemed to change with him. He drank a shit ton more than he ever had in the years she’d known him, and with that, his anger became explosive and volatile - it was like he had turned into a completely different person overnight. He was very irritable and easy to anger; the complete opposite of who she’d initially fallen in love with.

It didn’t help that she found out she was pregnant not long after the proposal. 

At the time, she assumed he was just going through something at work that he just wasn’t telling her about and it would go away once whatever it was was resolved. She’d had no idea that it wouldn’t actually get better but rather it would escalate so badly. 

Vidia was a strong and independent woman, who swore she would never allow a man or anyone to lay a hand on her more than once. It wasn’t in her nature to be so docile that she would take a beating laying down, and then come back for more and expect shit to be any different. Up until the point where she realized this was that type of situation, he hadn’t laid a single finger on her. His words had been his weapons.

It was his one and only physical attack on Vidia, that landed him in prison, her on life support and their daughter Angelica to be born several weeks prematurely. It had been the first and last time he had hit her - and it literally damn near killed her.

She hadn’t even seen the attack coming. She’d been in the process of making dinner when Malcolm came home, stumbling, drunk out of his mind and in the foulest mood she’d ever seen him in, and understandably, she’d been pissed. After all, this had been the new routine for months and she was sick of it, so she did what any normal, hormonally pregnant girlfriend would have done in that situation - she raised her voice - and that’s when he hit her. And then hit her some more.

She spent three weeks at the hospital in recovery over the attack, the first several days fighting for her life over the internal trauma he’d caused. Once she had recovered, and both she and her newborn daughter Angelica were released from the hospital, Vidia moved into the Faust Manor, where she’s lived ever since.

At the beginning of 2020, her mother officially stepped down as CEO of the company, wanting to do other things before she got too old, and this forced Vidia to take up the mantle as head of Marsden Corporation.

- W A N T E D   C O N N E C T I O N S -

Faust Affiliates - Obviously. She’s been with the gang for seven years, so she’s bound to have known many of them for quite some time.

Best Friend(s) - Vidia is a more or less friendly person, especially within the Faust circle or when she’s around civilians, so I would love to have some deep friendship connections for her.

Little Sister / Brother Type - Someone younger than her that she absolutely mothers to death, whether they want her to or not.

Employees for The Blue Orchid - That would be dope, having a few of the stations within the spa manned by in-play characters. 

Employee Suggestions: receptionist, massage therapists, hair stylists, colorists, nail technicians, spa attendants, spa concierges, wax specialists, estheticians, cosmetologists

Love Interests

One-Night Flings

FWBs

Enemies / Rivalries

LITERALLY OPEN TO ANY SORT OF CONNECTIONS

[holdtylersandersonaccountable]

Gaslighting in my ears, then in my thoughts

Tyler never harmed me physically or made me do anything that was not consensual. In fact, he didn’t do much to me at all. Tyler treated me like I was invisible a lot of the time. During the time in which we dated, he manipulated me in a lot of really subtle ways. He was immature, hurtful, and hardly supportive. He gaslighted me, lied to me, and made me do things on his terms constantly, but would be completely silent if I reached out to him.

  When I met Tyler, I was 18 or 19. It was 2016. I had just graduated from high school, and got a job at Costco in Thornton, where he was also employed. After seeing him around, I quickly developed a very naïve liking for him. He gave me his phone number one night, after a coworker told him that I had a crush on him, yet, we had never even had a conversation. We started texting pretty quickly after that, and I soon found out he was 27, nine years older than me.

  He opened up to me about being a recovering addict on our first date, told me that his mom left when he was a child, and that he had told his therapist about me. Because of this honesty straightaway I thought he was very mature, so I ignored the many red flags. We agreed that the age difference didn’t bother us.

  Things seemed normal at first, except that our dates always had to start at about 10pm and always be at his place in Aurora (I lived about 30 minutes away in Brighton with my mom). He would always offer for me to stay the night so I wouldn’t have to drive home so late. Nothing physical ever came of this except for some awkwardly rigid cuddles and a few kisses. He told me that he wasn’t a big fan of kissing. I thought he liked me more than that, so this was very confusing for me, and left me thinking that our relationship could always turn into so much more. I was a warm body for him to not feel so alone. It didn’t sit well with me that he treated me this way, but any time I got to thinking about it I would talk myself out of it, telling myself not to be crazy.

  He invited me once to one of his shows at the Hi Dive. I was still underage, so I couldn’t exit the venue, unless permanently. He ignored me virtually the entire evening. He introduced me to some friends, but I was mostly on my own and couldn’t find him. When I decided to leave, after being ignored, he insisted to walk me to my car. He thanked me for coming and said we should see each other again, and then kissed me with his burnt alcohol flavored lips. I drove home feeling sick to my stomach and feeling like a crazy person for being upset about being ignored, and angry at myself for not being interesting enough for his attention.

  After not receiving affection from him for a long time, I confessed that I was interested in a physical relationship with him verbally, and though he constantly told me that he wanted things to evolve naturally between us, his reaction left me feeling unattractive and boring. Eventually this turned into more gaslighting, standing me up several times, and then ghosting me. It left me feeling like I had always done something wrong to warrant his distaste and bitter demeanor. I felt like I was too dumb, too immature, and too ugly.

  I didn’t speak to him until we worked in the same department. I worked with him in the tire department at Costco, after having cross trained in the shop. This was of course with the exception of his occasional drunk texts at 4am. My coworkers and I became a tight knit group of friends, and I kept him at a distance. At the time I felt like it was strengthening our friendship, without romance in question. We started reconnecting a bit more, but it felt healthier and less forced.

  I then moved to Fort Collins where we stayed in touch. About a year and a half passed since I met himi. He reached out to let me know he was playing a show in Foco and asked if he could crash on my couch. I told him he could but that I had a party to attend that evening after his show. At the time I thought he was still dating a friend of a friend. I went to his show, then to the party and drank a lot. When I got home, he was waiting for me, also drunk. We stayed up a while listening to music, and he told me that when we met, he wasn’t ready for anything serious, but he had always felt “warm” at the thought of me. Apparently, this was enough to sway me to his affection again. THEN he pulled out some cocaine and asked me if I wanted to do a drug. I told him I wasn’t interested and left to brush my teeth. When I came back, he told me he decided not to because of my very confident “no”. I made up a bed for us on the floor because I wanted to stay next to him, and he spooned me. He kissed my cheek a few times, but I felt sick. I refused to roll over and kiss him back, I didn’t want our first time to be while we were drunk. He put his hand on my stomach and mumbled, “Can you believe babies grow inside of there?”

The following morning, I went to the bathroom to puke up the alcohol from the night before, then stashed some more sleep on the couch. When I woke up, he was gone, without a word.

It made me feel small and meek again, much like the way I had felt when we had first started dating.

  Soon after this encounter, we were talking more, and a friend warned that she thought him and his girlfriend were still together. I told her confidently that he said they were over. I was trying to convince myself that I was allowed to have an adult, casual, physical relationship with him without forming any emotional attachment or getting hurt. But when he asked over text if I “give good head”, after only speaking to me intermittently, I felt gross and foolish. It confused the shit out of me, because we had never had sex, not to mention any sort of foreplay or making out or anything. It just goes to show how shallow and fucking lame he is. He didn’t care about how I felt, clearly at all. Any fantasies I had of him changing on my account evaporated. I could see now that he was a lost cause, an unwise pursuit for a relationship, and I should call it. So, I texted him that realization honestly, and he never replied. I didn’t get any closure, but I walked away with inner strength. That was mid-2018.

  Since Tyler, I’ve talked about him like the piece of shit he is and was to me, reclaiming my self-respect, elevating my self-worth.

  Recently I ran into him and we started talking again, (mostly because the hopefully naïve part of myself wanted to entertain the thought that he had grown since we’d last interacted). This was before I knew any of the disturbing truths of how he’s treated women. Tyler never physically harmed me, he never had sex with me. But he did manipulate me and hugely influenced how I felt/thought about myself. I never felt validated in my experience with him until I read what It’s Just Bugs posted about him. And even then, I had to re-read it over and over to let it sink in. Since then, I have ceased communication with him. I advised him to get help. I do believe that he can turn things around, sober up, start respecting and treating women like human beings. But he needs to fight for the rest of his life in order to do that.

  I remember reading about It’s Just Bugs in a magazine a couple years back, a small interview they did. It said that Tyler just “had sex with lots of girls,” and I remember wondering why they would print that, because it sounded really dehumanizing, talking about that like it was an award. I wondered if it was true at all, because of the cold way he treated me. All of his past experiences about women were vaguely referenced by close friends when I knew him, so I never knew why he had had so many failed relationships. It’s a wonder to me that the truth has taken this long to come out; actually, it pisses me off. I don’t believe that my story is what it is without other victim’s stories. I didn’t think it meant anything until I read what many other women had been through. I hope that my experience can shed light for women who have been put in a similar position with other predators like him. The gaslighting and pursuing didn’t seem like huge deals in the grand scheme of things- but the thing is, they changed my brain chemistry. I believed that I was crazy, that I wasn't interesting, that I was the problem, I was disgusting. He took advantage of my youth and my lack of experience. All I have to thank him for is deeply entrenched trust issues and the battle to believe that I am worthy of love. 

  For a long time I believed I was a piece of shit because, Tyler Sanderson, the true king of shit, didn’t think that I was interesting enough. Fuck all of that noise. I hope he seeks recovery and begins to surround himself with people who won’t lie to him, so he stops causing so much destruction in the lives of those who don’t deserve it.