#most people probably cry over podcasts at their grocery store job

[flufflecat]

Got to stolen century in my relisten and started tearing up at work because of magnus carving the duck. Just me in the back room, crying over the dish sink for normal reasons.

[kangtaebins]

Weird Asks That Say A Lot

I said I was going to just answer all of these bc of boredom,, and so here I am

1. Coffee mugs, teacups, wine glasses, water bottles, or soda cans? Teacups are aesthetically pleasing idc what anyone says

2. Chocolate bars or lollipops? Lollipops

3. Bubblegum or cotton candy? Cotton candy supremacy

4. How did your elementary school teachers describe you? I was told that I was a leader a lot, and was told that I was very intelligent. Ah yes, I suffered from gifted kid burn out in high school-

5. Do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups? Look, plastic cups are the best. Specifically the ones with the lids and reusable straws

6. Pastel, boho, tomboy, preppy, goth, grunge, formal or sportswear? It truly depends on the day bc some days I would say goth and other days I’d say grunge, but most days- pastel

7. Earbuds or headphones? Earbuds

8. Movies or TV shows? TV shows bc- idk actually I’m just not a movie person

9. Favorite smell in the summer? I have a weird obsession with the smell of cheap sunscreen and I have no clue why

10. Game you were best at in p.e.? I hated gym in high school and rarely participated despite the teacher being irritated with me (truly she gave up after a few months bc I really did not care at all) HOWEVER- I went to town in volleyball and still enjoy playing volleyball v much

11. What do you have for breakfast on an average day? I don’t eat breakfast often,,, 

12. Name of your favorite playlist? Probably my Navy or Indigo playlist

13. Lanyard or key ring? Key ring 

14. Favorite non-chocolate candy? Anything green apple!!!

15. Favorite book you read as a school assignment? I actually genuinely enjoyed Romeo And Juliet tbh

16. Most comfortable position to sit in? I always curl up in a ball on the couch, but in a chair I manspread ngl

17. Most frequently worn pair of shoes? Nike slides <//3

18. Ideal weather? Between 50-70 degrees, sunny but not warm, being able to wear a hoodie and not be hot or cold

19. Sleeping position? I usually either sleep on my left side or on my stomach (my back once in a while when it’s hurting bc I’m a hag)

20. Preferred place to write (i.e., in a note book, on your laptop, sketchpad, post-it notes, etc.)? I write on my phone more than anything

21. Obsession from childhood? Hm- I was really obsessed with High School Musical as a kid. My friend and I would put it on and lip sync to the songs and pretend we were the characters

22. Role model? Is it- wrong to say myself? Bc I feel like that sounds arrogant but genuinely it’s bc I’m constantly trying to better myself mentally and learn and grow. Idk I just am proud of who I am and look to myself when I need to find motivation

23. Strange habits? Strange? Idk if it’s strange but I’m constantly twiddling with the hem of my sleeves bc I love the feeling of it

24. Favorite crystal? Citrine 

25. First song you remember hearing? WH- bitch idk tf

26. Favorite activity to do in warm weather? Stay tf inside in the air conditioning

27. Favorite activity to do in cold weather? Stay tf inside in the heat

28. Five songs to describe you? To describe me?? Girl idk I'm all over the place. How about songs that resonate with me instead,,, Alive by Khalid, Paranoid by Lauv, Phobia by Dvwn, Fake Smile by Ariana Grande, and Breathin by Ariana Grande

29. Best way to bond with you? Truly I'm not very difficult to get along with, just don't be an asshole. Talk to me about psychology, current events, say Soobin is the cutest to exist idk it's not that hard

30. Places that you find sacred? I- hm. I'm not like a church person or anything so idk. Maybe just anything really old or places with very detailed and unique architecture

31. What outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names? I don't own many clothes,,, let alone nice clothes. I also don't really dress to impress I'd much rather be comfortable

32. Top five favorite vines? Oh god if I h a d to pick???? The lipstick in the Valentino bag, they were roommates, it's an avocado- thaaanks, jared 19, and uh,,, zach stooppp you're gonna get in trouble

33. Most used phrase in your phone? Tbh it's probably "girl what-" or "no bc"

34. Advertisements you have stuck in your head? That 877-CASH-NOW ONE JFC

35. Average time you fall asleep? Between 11pm-1am

36. What is the first meme you remember ever seeing? Probably the troll face one or smth

37. Suitcase or duffel bag? Suitcase

38. Lemonade or tea? I mix them together!

39. Lemon cake or lemon meringue pie? Lemon meringue pie bc I don't really like cake

40. Weirdest thing to ever happen at your school? Y'all I- went to a hs/college mixed school,, I've seen it all. Weirdest?? Idk but one weird thing I remember was when we were making whistles in art and some dude made a penis whistle 😭

41. Last person you texted? My best friend :))

42. Jacket pockets or pants pockets? Jacket pockets

43. Hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket? Hoodie 100%

44. Favorite scent for soap? I love soaps that smell like soap. Like ok duh I know that sounds dumb but yk what I mean? I don't want lemon or mint or whatever, I like the plain soap smell

45. Which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero? Fantasy

46. Most comfortable outfit to sleep in? Oversized t-shirt, no pants. I question anyone that is comfortable sleeping with pants on-

47. Favorite type of cheese? Feta!

48. If you were a fruit, what kind would you be? I feel like I'd be a pineapple and I have no clue why

49. What saying or quote do you live by? Not necessarily a quote but more of a thought: live for yourself, enjoy each day, do what gives you joy

50. What made you laugh the hardest you ever have? I have had so many instances in which I have laughed so hard I peed and to even attempt to name one is impossible

51. Current stresses? Making sure my family gets their vaccines and stays safe

52. Favorite font? I don't think I have one? Anything except comic sans

53. What is the current state of your hands? What does this even mean 💀 I mean,, they're holding my phone, cold, and my nails are unpolished

54. What did you learn from your first job? That people are assholes but I'm capable of not giving a fuck bc life is not that damn serious

55. Favorite fairy tale? Is The Three Little Pigs considered a fairy tale?

56. Favorite tradition? Putting up the Christmas tree with my mom :( it's always a lot of fun

57. The three biggest struggles you’ve overcome? Depression, grief, and hopefully one day- smth I'm currently dealing with

58. Four talents you’re proud of having? Makeup!! But also: singing, crying on command, and tying cherry stems with my tongue

59. If you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be? Sick of these bitches

60. If you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be? I don't watch anime so idk

61. Favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.? It's this line from Eleanor & Park: "Eleanor was right: She never looked nice. She looked like art, and art wasn't supposed to look nice; it was supposed to make you feel something."

62. Seven characters you relate to? Holy hell, 7?? Probably won't get that many but hm,,, Darlene from Roseanne, Hermione from Harry Potter, Emily from Pretty Little Liars maybe?? Idk I suddenly blanked

63. Five songs that would play in your club? As if it's Your Last by BP, anything from SHINee, anything from Ariana, also anything Rihanna, just a bunch of women tbh

64. Favorite website from your childhood? FUCKING WEBKINZ BRO

65. Any permanent scars? I have a few on my arms idk where they came from tbh, I also have one on my hand from my sister 🧍🏻‍♀

66. Favorite flower(s)? Sunflowers!!! I also really love lilacs 💔

67. Good luck charms? My dog's collar that I wear as a bracelet

68. Worst flavor of any food or drink you’ve ever tried? Licorice-

69. A fun fact that you don’t know how you learned? It takes repeating a piece of information 12 times at random to memorize it completely

70. Left or right handed? Right

71. Least favorite pattern? Fucking chevron- and realistic camo, and anything with the American flag

72. Worst subject? Yall im awful at history. American history, world history, all of it-

73. Favorite weird flavor combo? Either pickles and peanut butter or cheese and grapes

74. At what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before you take an advil or ibuprofen? I'm stubborn but also always in pain so I've become numb to a lot of body pains. I have to be at like a 7-8 before I take smth otherwise I'd always be taking it

75. When did you lose your first tooth? I was probably like 5 I was definitely in Kindergarten

76. What’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)? I fw baked potatoes

77. Best plant to grow on a windowsill? I have a love for succulents

78. Coffee from a gas station or sushi from a grocery store? Oh my- I don't drink coffee but coffee from a gas station

79. Which looks better, your school id photo or your driver’s license photo? Driver's license for sure

80. Earth tones or jewel tones? Jewel tones

81. Fireflies or lightning bugs? I say both,, but I think I say lightning bugs more

82. PC or console? PC

83. Writing or drawing? Both

84. Podcasts or talk radio? Podcasts definitely

84. Barbie or polly pocket? Barbie

85. Fairy tales or mythology? Fairy tales

86. Cookies or cupcakes? C o o k i e s

87. Your greatest fear? Losing people I love

88. Your greatest wish? To live comfortably and be a great mother

89. Who would you put before everyone else? My family

90. Luckiest mistake? Guessing on 90% of a test and getting an A 💀

91. Boxes or bags? Bags are easier to carry-

92. Lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights? Fairy lights!!

93. Nicknames? Sam, Sammi, my sister calls me Sams, my best friend calls me Bub, and my gf calls me Baby if that counts- 👀

94. Favorite season? Fall omg it's gorgeous and has perfect temperatures

95. Favorite app on your phone? ✨tumblr✨

96. Desktop background? Its literally a pic of Soobin, Taehyun, and Beomgyu

97. How many phone numbers do you have memorized? Like 4-5

98. Favorite historical era? The one where white people learn their fucking place and stop being racist, homophobic, classist, sexist, all the -ists and -phobics,,,, so none. Fuck history :))

[floralguccistyles]

four: empty child

I had mixed feelings about it being February first.

Of course I was excited, because I got paid on the first and fifteenth of each month so I was ready to have money again. My refrigerator was getting horrifyingly low and I had run out of tampons. I also liked the first of each month because it meant no matter how shitty January was (and it had been decently shitty), February was a new month.

It was also Harry Styles’ birthday.

Surprisingly, I had already known this before his stardom. Even though he and his group of my tormentors had hardly been on my radar after secondary school had ended, I remembered them always making a big to-do of each others’ birthdays. Oliver and Emma’s birthdays were late August, right around when the school year would start. Emma’s boyfriend had a birthday in March. Nathan’s birthday was November thirteenth.

And Harry Styles’ was February first.

Contrary to popular belief, my world did not revolve around Harry Styles. I simply woke up on the morning of the first, checked my bank account and did a little happy dance when I realized I would be able to afford groceries, and then scrolled on Twitter. I didn’t even correlate the day to his birthday until I saw the hashtag trending. 

I hadn’t given Harry much thought since two weeks ago, when the bouquet of flowers had arrived on my doorstep. I didn’t want to know how he got my address (probably Bailey) and I didn’t want to think about the fact that he was the first guy to have ever gotten me flowers. I didn’t want Harry to be the first boy to have given me flowers. My first experience felt tainted now. I always dreamed that I would press the first flower someone gave to me in the thickest book I could find. With the bouquet from Harry, I didn’t bother. It made me sad that my plan had been spoiled. They had gone in the trash after a week, when they had started to wilt; even though I couldn’t bring myself to press a flower form Harry’s bouquet, it didn’t mean I was going to throw away perfectly good flowers until they were dying. 

Upon realizing it was his birthday, I stopped doing my happy dance and frowned down at my Twitter feed before shutting out of the app. It was highly unlikely I’d be interacting with Harry any time soon (if ever) so I didn’t feel that I had to see his face plastered on all my social media accounts. 

I dressed in some warmer clothes for my biweekly trek to the supermarket. Zach was out of town for the week with some uni friends, so Jeremiah was letting me borrow his car to run my errands. I appreciated the fact that I didn’t have to Uber to the market. There was a Spiceways about eight minutes from my flat, so I drove through the streets of Merton until I pulled up to the store, hopping out of Jeremiah’s car with a little bit of difficulty because it was so high up. 

Unlike some, I didn’t mind grocery shopping. Maybe it was because when I was younger and wanted to get junk food all the time, my mum wouldn’t let me. With the freedom to choose whatever I damn well pleased, grocery shopping wasn’t the horror that most people made it out to be.

I was debating between Jaffa Cakes and Aero bars when my phone rang.

“Hello?” I asked without really looking at the caller ID.

“Hey Petra,” Bailey’s happy voice said from the other side of the line.

Bailey had been diligent about checking in on me since the Peter incident. I appreciated her worry. She’d been texting me a little and asking how my days had been and stuff about the podcast that she easily could have asked Veronica. I liked that she was keeping an eye on me. 

“Hey,” I responded. “Quick question. Jaffa Cakes or Aero bars?”

“Aero all the way.”

“Got it.” I threw the box of Aero bars in my cart. “What’s up?”

“I wanted to invite you to a party tonight. Veronica and I are going and she suggested that we invite you. Jeremiah, too.” I heard rustling on the other side of the line and wondered what she was making.

Bailey made things for Etsy in her free time, when she wasn’t busy being a badass biochemist. I had actually gotten a knitted scarf from her a couple years ago and still had it. She was known for making little things like hair accessories or blankets, but sometimes she dabbled in clothes. Which was why she and Veronica’s flat was covered in fabrics. It was like walking into a craft store. 

“A party? For what?” Decided to screw my health, I threw in the box of jaffa cakes in the cart as well. I wouldn’t eat them all in one sitting, I reasoned with myself. One a day couldn’t be too terrible for my health.

“Some birthday party Jeff invited me to. It’s in Hampstead, so they’ll have the good alcohol. Veronica’s never met Jeff so she wanted us to go.”

Jeff Azoff had helped Harry with his first record. Bailey was friends with Jeff Azoff. Harry’s birthday, coincidentally, happened to be today. “Is it Harry Styles’ birthday party?”

“I didn’t actually ask Jeff, but if it’s his birthday today, then probably.”

I sighed. “Probably not a good idea for Harry Styles and I to be in the same vicinity. Last time I nearly bit his head off. Rightfully so, but…” I trailed off, shaking my head at the memory. And with the memory also came visions of my pretty pink tulips and white baby’s breath. “Thanks for the invite, though.”

“I know you and Harry have got a rocky relationship, but I imagine this party’s going to be huge. Chances are you won’t even see him there. I just want you to be able to get out and have some fun. If you want to leave, I’ll be the first one to pay for an Uber for you.”

I debated it for a moment. It would be nice to get out of the house. I had been holed up between my flat and Outset, working on AC and simultaneously feeling like a fool about my awful date with Peter. I was usually very observant of someone’s character and it had thrown me off that I had gotten Peter so wrong.  And Bailey was right. If the party was in Hampstead, Bailey was correct in assuming there would be good alcohol. No one in Hampstead would dare buy the cheap stuff. It would also be nice to hang out with Jeremiah and Veronica outside of AC.

“I don’t know, Bails. Can I get a couple hours to think about it?”

“Sure, no problem. It starts at seven. I’ll text you later and if you need a ride, Veronica and I can come grab you.”

I appreciated that she wasn’t pushing me to go, like my parents would have been. They would have demanded I show up and try to get to know the “new Harry.” We hung up the call after I promised to text her once I made a decision, and I stared at my shopping cart for a little while longer before I decided that he wasn’t going to consume my thoughts. I had once let him do that, when I was younger and more insecure. It wasn’t going to happen again.

I was usually done shopping in about thirty minutes because I didn’t dawdle around as I filled my basket with shitty food. Something this time, however, had me standing in the middle of the Mexican food isle, my brain still focused on Peter’s words. Though it had been racist of him to say it the way he did, I think it also bothered me because of how wrong he was. I didn’t know what foods from my culture were good because my parents had tried to conform to the English foods. 

My grandmother on my father’s side had come to visit us only once when she had gotten a bonus from her job in Santa Clara. She had scoured the isles of every market in town, trying to find acceptable ingredients for the meal she promised my father. That night, I had arroz con pollo, empanadas, flan, and a cake with dulce de leche poured on top. It had been the best meal of my entire life. 

No one in my family had made anything like that since.

I was holding a box of Spanish rice in my hand, trying to decide if I could make myself arroz con pollo like my grandmother did, when a little girl accidentally bumped into me. She looked to be about five years old, with a cute little gap tooth that I spotted when she smiled hesitantly at me. 

“Lo siento,” she said softly, hugging onto her mother’s leg. Her mother shot me an apologetic glance.

“It’s okay,” I managed, smiling at the little girl. “I like your bow.” I pointed to the glittery silver bow in her hair. It took up half of her head.

She glanced at her mother, her eyebrows furrowing together in confusion. Her mother stammered over a couple of words as she responded to me. “We...speak...no English,” she said, her voice heavily accented. 

I felt the shame flow through me. Shame that I hadn’t ever forced my parents to teach me Spanish. Shame that I couldn’t communicate with this little girl and her mother. Shame that I had gotten so lost in England that I hadn’t picked up Spanish myself.

“No se mucho español,” I said as a way of explaining, hoping the apologetic expression on my face was enough to convey to her that I was truly sorry I couldn’t compliment her little girl’s bow.

The mother just smiled at me and nodded politely before she and the little girl started off in the opposite direction of the isle. The little girl turned around and gave me a big wave, her little gap-toothed grin flashing before she faced in front of her once more. Their lives, just like that, unaffected by someone they ran into that couldn’t speak Spanish.

Meanwhile, I was frozen.

I felt like crying, as stupid as it sounded. But it wasn’t the first time someone had asked me something in Spanish and I hadn’t been able to respond. And even though I knew I shouldn’t, I always felt like a bad person. Like I should be more in-tune with my heritage. Like I wasn’t allowed to call myself Cuban because really, I hadn’t even ever been to Cuba. 

I put the box of rice back on the shelf, and stupidly, it felt like I was putting half of my soul back.

Maybe it would be a good idea to go to Harry’s party. Bailey was probably right about a ton of people being there. He was internationally known. There would have to be at least two hundred people at one of his parties, probably more. If I stayed with Jeremiah and Veronica, he wouldn’t even notice me. And after the emotional turmoil of the supermarket, I was ready for a drink or two. Or three. And even if he did notice me, that didn’t mean I couldn’t ignore him. Just because it was his birthday didn’t mean I had to be nice to him.

He could tell you that you need to get your head out of your ass and be a real person instead of living in fantasy books.

But hopefully, I reasoned, I would be too drunk to care if he did do that.

Which is the only reason why I texted Bailey an hour later, when my groceries were in my fridge and I was in the comfort of my own home.

I’ll be there tonight. But can I bring Melody?

~  

“Okay, but can I throat punch him?”

“You know, I’m gonna assume no.”

“Bummer.”

Melody and I were standing outside of the house in Hampstead. I didn’t know who it belonged to. When I had asked Bailey in the car she had shrugged her shoulders. At least that meant it wasn’t Jeff’s, since I would assume Bailey would know if it was his house.

Bailey, Jeremiah, and Veronica had already made their way inside. Melody and I, however, were still outside staring at the front of the house. It was obnoxiously grandiose. I couldn’t imagine having that much space and having to actually decorate it. We had stumbled out of the car and I found myself unable to go any further. 

“We can leave whenever you want,” Melody reminded me. It was the fourth time she had mentioned this fact. 

“I’m twenty-four. What does it say that I’m still terrified of someone I went to secondary school with?”

“That you’re a normal human being who doesn’t like to be made fun of and that he’s a dick?” Melody offered helpfully. I snorted.

“Reckon we should go in,” I said after a couple of moments. She nodded, patting my shoulder affectionately before we both trekked up the front porch. The door was open because the estate was surrounded by what I assumed were military-grade security cameras and a huge opaque fence. The only people who were getting inside the fence either had the gate code or were rock climbers.

As soon as we stepped inside, my body rattled with the bass of the song playing. I didn’t recognize it, but I probably didn’t listen to the same music Harry Styles did, so I wasn’t surprised. Melody had the extraordinary ability of finding alcohol wherever it was hidden, so it was only about ten seconds before she tugged me in the direction of the kitchen, where there was a wide array of drinks lining the kitchen counter. A kitchen counter, I might add, that was the size of a swimming pool. Melody grabbed a beer and handed it to me. I didn’t hesitate to take a swig.

I didn’t spot my other companions, which was good and bad news. Bad news because I wanted to spend time with them, good news because if finding them was hard, then certainly finding the birthday boy was going to be impossible. “I want to take a look around this house,” Melody mentioned to me after she had grabbed herself a drink. 

Fine with getting away from the crowd, I let her pull me into the left hallway. There were only two doors, and one of them was open. It was a bathroom, but it wasn’t a normal bathroom. It was probably the size of my bedroom and front room combined. There was a giant clawfoot tub and shower across from a marble countertop with black sink basins. Melody’s jaw dropped open as we stepped inside. 

“Fuck this is nice,” she commented, twirling around to take in the bathroom in its entirety. “Can you imagine owning a tub like that? I’d never leave.”

I agreed. I was a sucker for a good clawfoot tub. This one looked like it could easily fit four people. “I could live in that tub.”

“Wonder what this room is,” she said, casually walking out of the bathroom and opening up the other door. I was about to scold her for being rude, but most of the party guests were outside in the yard and barely took notice of us. 

This looked like a guest room of some kind. The walls were painted a dark navy blue and the room was accented with dark walnut and white colored woods, making the contrast sharp. The bed was king sized, decorated with other little navy pillowcases and navy sheets. There was a black and white blanket at the end of the bed that looked like it would be scratchy. I figured it was just there for decoration. There weren’t many pictures on the walls, but there was one of a giant black and white elephant next to a telly that was plastered to the wall.

“Holy shit. I could just stay in here and no one would know.” Then, in an action that absolutely horrified me, she jumped onto the bed, wiggling around in the sheets. “Oh Christ, you’ve got to get a load of this bed, Petra.”

“No,” I hissed out, crossing my arms over my chest. “Melody, this isn’t our house.”

“I guarantee whoever lives here doesn’t give a right fuck.”

“You aren’t wrong, I suppose.”

The new voice had me jumping in my skin. Melody didn’t even both to sit up, just waving away whoever the voice was, but I turned to see whose bedroom we were snooping in. The face that greeted me wasn’t one I expected to see. Obviously, she didn’t expect to see me either, since her amused expression dropped from her face and she glanced at me with wide eyes.

“Petra? Petra Gallego?” Gemma Styles asked with a slowly-forming smile on her face. “Holy shit.” And then her arms were around me, pulling me into a friendly hug. 

Unlike Harry, I had never had a problem with Gemma. Knowing that she was one of the kindest people I’d ever met, I knew it wasn’t likely she knew how her brother treated me. She always said hi to me when she saw me around Holmes Chapel and even offered to curl my hair for prom for year ten. I didn’t end up going until year eleven because of Harry and his friends, but I appreciated the offer. Since she was a little older than me, we never really kept in touch, but I kept up with her sometimes. 

“Oh good,” Melody mentioned from the bed. “You know the person who sleeps in this room. Meaning I can sleep here.”

Gemma pulled away from me. “Isn’t it magnificent? I’m glad he splurged on that mattress. Means I don’t sleep like shit when I come visit.”

“Wait, what? Is this… is this Harry’s house?” I asked. Gemma had already floated over to her bed and flopped down next to Melody like the two of them were best friends. 

“You didn’t know that? But you’re here.”

“I knew it was his party, I didn’t know it was his house.” And now I felt like an idiot. I was standing inside Harry Styles’ home. “Fuck, I’ve got to go.”

“Why?” Gemma asked, sitting up. “I’m not mad you’re in here.”

“No, I mean I have to leave the house.” I didn’t want to be in Harry’s house. I didn’t know why it made a difference whose house it was, but I knew it did. My skin was crawling. I had knowingly walked into the lion’s den. “Melody, we’ve got to leave.”

“Alright, but you’re going to have to peel me up.”

Gemma stood up easily enough and frowned at me. “Is Harry being a dick to you again? I’ll punch him in the nose, I swear.” At the expression on my face, her frown deepened. “He’s changed, Petra. I promise. If I thought for a second Harry was still acting like a shitty teenage boy, I’d drive you home myself. I’d just hate for you to feel like you have to leave.”

I appreciated her loyalty to her brother, I really did. But I didn’t want to be in here and I didn’t want to be around Gemma anymore, not when she would so blindly advocate for him. I was happy she’d punched him in the nose when she found out how he treated me when we were kids, but that didn’t mean she was going to support me telling her brother to go fuck himself. She loved him too much. I saw the way they were when we were younger, like they were two sides of the same coin. 

“She’s right, you know.”

“Oh Jesus fuck, of course you’re here,” Melody mentioned, still lying on the bed in Harry Styles’ guest room. Unlike Gemma, this voice wasn’t a surprise.

Harry gave me a hesitant smile. “I’ll leave you alone if that’s what you want, but you should stay and enjoy the party. I’ll make myself scarce.”

“You shouldn’t have to in your own house,” I said regrettably, clenching my teeth so I wouldn’t add a “fucker” to my sentiments. “If I had known it was your place, I wouldn’t have come.”

He looked defeated, but also like he knew he deserved my harsh words. I felt a spike of pleasure at his sad expression. I knew it was vindictive and mean, but I didn’t care.

“Yeah, cause you’re a raging twat.”

I snickered at Melody’s deadpan tone and the surprised look on Harry’s face when he realized the other person in the room wasn’t someone he knew. Melody pulled herself up from the bed and lazily stood, giving Harry a once over and looking entirely unimpressed. 

“You must be Melody.”

“Damn straight I’m Melody,” she huffed, flipping her hair over her shoulder. “And you’re an arsehole.”

Gemma raised a brow but didn’t say much else. 

“I know,” Harry replied, and I was surprised by his admittance. Then, without thinking about it, he stepped aside and gestured out into the hall. “You want a tour of the rest of the house? I’ve got a Super Caeser in my room.”

Melody’s mouth dropped open. “Holy shit. Those are the beds that fit four people right?” At Harry’s nod, she grinned. “Lead the way, twat.”

It was my mouth’s turn to drop open. “Melody,” I hissed underneath my breath. Where was the solidarity? Where was the earlier promise that she’d leave with me if I decided I wanted to go home? 

“I know, I know,” she whispered to me as Harry left the room and started down the hallway. “But I’ve never seen a Super Caeser mattress before and I really want to.” She cast a glance at Gemma, who was still standing in the room. “You like her right? Stay with her. I’ll be right back.” And then she was out the door, leaving me glaring at her.

“I’ve caught Alien Crossing a couple of times,” Gemma said as a way to make conversation. I noticed that we were moving out of the guest room. Now that I knew Gemma was the one using it, I felt worse for snooping. “It’s fucking brilliant, Petra. Good for you making something so unique and fun.”

“Oh. Thanks.” I didn’t know what else to say. I wasn’t used to members of the Styles family praising me for what I did.

We were walking aimlessly in the same direction Harry and Melody had left in. I slowed my steps, but I felt rude if I didn’t follow Gemma and let our conversation randomly end. “The episode with Harry seemed to go well. When he called me and told me he was going to be on, I nearly had an aneurysm. I was sure you wouldn’t want him within five feet of you.”

“I didn’t. I asked him to be on because the guest we had lined up had a family emergency.”

Gemma suddenly stopped in her tracks. We were in the hallway to the right side of the front door now, where I could see three more doors that probably contained bathrooms and bedrooms bigger than my entire flat. “I never tried to get in touch to apologize, Petra.”

“Apologize?” I blinked in surprise. “Apologize for what?”

“For Harry being a prick,” she said softly, shrugging her shoulders and crossing her arms in front of her chest. “I know he’s not my responsibility, but… I just really wish he hadn’t been so nasty to you. It was really out of character for him. I’d like to say with confidence that he was just doing it to go along with his friends, but I don’t know. I’ve felt guilty about it ever since he told me.”

“Gemma, you’re right. He’s not your responsibility. He knew what he was doing and he chose to do it anyway. I’m not mad at you.”

“But you’re mad at him. And it sucks because he totally deserves it.”

He did. He deserved my anger, my wrath, my disdain. He deserved for me to tell him to stay the fuck out of my life and never contact me again. I should have told him that. But there was something about seeing Gemma’s defeated expression that had me keeping my comments to myself. 

So instead, I shrugged. “It is what it is, Gemma.”

And that, unfortunately, was the truth. It was too late for her apologies, and she wasn’t the one that was supposed to be giving them. Melody suddenly appeared as Gemma and I stood in the hallway, looking nothing short of enchanted. She all but floated to my side, a wistful expression on her face.

“I want one,” she said after a few moments. I snorted. Harry emerged from the room looking like he wanted to laugh and frown at the same time. It was a weird dichotomy. “But the fog of a Super Caesar mattress has cleared from my head, so I will happily leave with you if you’d like to leave.”

Though I had no patience for Harry, I did have patience for Gemma. And one look at her guilty face, though she had nothing to be guilty for, had me hesitating. “I’ll...stay for a bit,” I said quietly. Melody looked surprised, but nodded her head. Harry looked like someone had just told him the best news ever. It looked entirely too happy and fake to be an expression on the face of Harry Styles, but I wasn’t focused much on him. I was focused on his sister, who gave me a hopeful smile before she glared at her brother.

“Great! Melody and I will go get you another beer. Harry can give you a tour of the house.”

I didn’t have time to open my mouth and argue before Gemma was grabbing Melody’s arm in a vice like grip and pulling her in the direction of the kitchen. That left Harry and I alone, standing in his hallway. I crossed my arms over my chest. He put his hands in his pockets. 

It was all very, very awkward.

“I’m not gonna say happy birthday,” I suddenly burst out. I think I surprised him because he jumped a little.

“That’s okay,” he agreed softly. Another few moments of awkward silence. “Well, do you want the tour? It’s okay if you don’t.”

I didn’t really care much about Harry Styles’ house, but I had a feeling if I went to go find Gemma and Melody, Gemma would just find a way to bring me back to right where I was standing. “Whatever. Just start walking.”

He did as I said, turning on his heels and opening up the first door. It was another guest room, but it didn’t look like anyone stayed in it much. There was a desk and a computer in there as well, so I figured he used it for an office. “This is one of the guest rooms,” he said hesitantly, like he wasn‘t entirely sure I wouldn’t just turn around and leave him in the middle of speaking. “Gemma doesn’t like staying in here because she thinks the government is watching her from the webcam of the computer.”

I raised a brow. “Doesn’t she have an iPhone?”

He grinned. “Yep.”

I wanted to ask him to stop smiling because when he smiled I wanted to punch him, but I figured that would be weird, even for me. So instead, I hummed out a response before I turned and walked towards the door directly across from the office. It was another bathroom, this one without a claw-foot tub. I automatically liked it less because of that fact. But it was decorated nicely, in soft nudes and tans. Overall, it was very impersonal.

“Your place is a two story,” I mentioned offhandedly just as he was about to open the door to his room.

He furrowed his brows. “Yeah. Why?”

“Why’re you on the first floor then?”

He smiled. “I specifically renovated it a couple years ago so it’s a big open space up there. I’ve got a telly and some instruments. I record ideas for songs there.”

I didn’t know if he expected me to be impressed, but I just nodded my head, going along with what he was saying. He pushed open the door to his room walked in, gesturing to the giant mattress that even I could admit was impressive. There were guitars lining the walls. It would have looked tacky if I had tried to do the same thing in my flat, but it fit this room somehow. There was a giant flat screen against the wall closest to the door, on a stand that was filled to the brim with DVD cases. I didn’t think anyone even watched DVDs anymore. 

Harry walked around the room, pointing out the master bath and the record player he had in the furthest corner, along with stacks and rows of vinyls. His voice trailed off when he turned and realized I hadn’t followed him into the room. “You okay?” he asked quietly.

I wasn’t. Because he looked so comfortable in his room, his safe space that he obviously put love and time into. “This room,” I said, pausing to try and find the right words, “you look comfortable in it.”

“Yeah. It’s my safe space.”

I nodded. “That’s what Alien Crossing is to me.”

“I know.”

“No.” I shook my head, closing my eyes to try and fight back the headache growing. “No, you don’t know. Because I’ve never told you. I never told you because when I was fifteen, you told me I had to get my head out of my ass and live in the real world, instead of my little fantasy world.” He at least had the decency to look ashamed. “But you know what, I don’t even care about that. You sent me flowers because Bailey told you what Peter did. But Harry… what your friends said to me was much, much worse. And you didn’t do shit to stop it.”

“I know. I’m so sorry, Petra.”

“I don’t want a fucking apology!” I screamed, suddenly infuriated. I didn’t want to hear him say that he was sorry. It was too late. “I don’t care if that makes me stubborn or selfish or stuck in the past. I hated myself, hated the things I loved, because you and your friends made me feel like shit. Made me feel like less than a person. And then I put myself on the line, asking you to be on my podcast, and it was just a huge mistake because I’m tired of feeling less than. You make me feel less than, Harry. I can’t accept your apology, Harry. Not right now. Not when I still have to see a fucking therapist because Nathan told me to go back to where I came from even though I was born in fucking Cheshire like the rest of you.”

It was silent. If I breathed in the wrong way, he would hear it. But I was just so tired. I sighed and slumped against his door, leaning my body on it as though it would support me for the rest of my life. He stood on the other side of the room, feeling both like he was an ocean away and much, much too close.

“I won’t try and apologize again, because I know that’s not what you want to hear. I know I was awful, Petra. I feel like shit about it. And I’m not saying that to make you feel bad for me or make it all about myself, but because I want you to know that the asshole from Holmes Chapel doesn’t exist anymore. I know it’s going to be hard to get him out of your head, but he’s gone.”

“It doesn’t change what he did,” I replied, pinching the bridge of my nose. 

The two of us stood there for who knew how long. It could have been seconds, minutes, hours. He was letting me process and I appreciated that. Deep, deep in my mind, I knew my anger at him was overwhelming. He’d apologized three times now, each one sounding more and more sincere than the last. It didn’t mean I was ready to forgive him by any means, but I could at least acknowledge that he was trying.

“Did Gemma really punch you in the nose when she found out?” I asked after a few moments.

He nodded. “Had to cover it up with a shit ton of makeup because that was around the time we were touring with Big Time Rush.”

I let out a snort, shaking my head at the image of Harry sitting in a makeup chair while they smeared concealer over his nose. Then, I sighed. “Christ, Harry. I’m twenty-four and I don’t have the time or energy to be holding onto this feeling. But you’ve got to keep in mind that it’s going to take a while. I might never forgive you fully.”

“I completely understand.”

Pushing myself up from the door because I figured that was the end of the conversation, I steadied myself and went to walk out to the kitchen. I figured it had been an appropriate enough amount of time spent with Harry; confident that Gemma wouldn’t send me back, I started on my way. 

I don’t know what made me turn around to catch the expression on his face, to check and see if it was just a facade that fell away when I turned my back, but I did.

He looked genuinely remorseful. I hated it. Because I knew that if I stuck around long enough, I would start to fall for it and I wasn’t ready to do that quite yet. Which was why I was going to grab another beer for the road and order myself an Uber. Everyone would understand. Melody might even go with me, if Gemma wasn’t still holding her captive. 

“I liked the flowers.” My voice was almost silent, but of course he heard it.

“Yeah?”

I didn’t answer him, just left him standing in his room in search of Melody and more alcohol. 

~

“It’s one hundred percent considered literature. I agree with you.”

I was nodding my head at my own words as I smiled at Daisy Callahan. She was sitting across from me, also decked out in her pajamas which made me love her even more. Currently, we were discussing whether or not fanfiction should be considered literature, though it wasn’t much of an argument since we both agreed it did.

“I mean, look at how many fanfictions have been turned into huge adaptions. There’s Fifty Shades, which was originally Twilight fanfiction—”

Jeremiah cut Daisy off from his place in the soundbooth. “Are we really going to consider Fifty Shades a piece of literature though?”

“Actually,” Daisy started, turning to Jeremiah and giving him a smirk, “I wrote my thesis on a work that was considered fanfiction. Jean Rhys wrote her novel Wide Sargasso Sea in response to Jane Eyre, but from the perspective of Bertha, Rochester’s crazy first wife. I wrote about the racial difference between Rhys and Brontë and how that inspired the book. Got a nice master’s degree out of it.” Daisy shrugged happily when Jeremiah conceded, raising his hands as if to say fine, you win.

It was nice to be getting back into the swing of things. Harry’s party a few days ago had shaken me up. I hadn’t been expecting to run into one of the Styles siblings, let alone both of them. In all honesty, leaving when I had was probably the best decision I’d ever made in my life. If I had stayed, I would have downed every last beer bottle I could find and then did something regrettable, like actually forgive Harry Styles for all the shit he had put me through. Though I told Harry I was tired of being angry at him, it didn’t mean all that hatred just went away.

“There’s also the huge After phenomenon,” Daisy supplied as another example. I wanted to groan. Think of the devil and the devil shall appear. “Petra, do you still keep in touch with Harry? Do you know how he feels about the whole fanfiction thing?”

I blinked. “I, er, I’m not sure. I don’t really ask him about it.” I didn’t really talk to him at all, so it wasn’t surprising. “He doesn’t really seem like the type to mind it, I guess.”

“That’s exactly my point! Most celebrities feel flattered that audiences love them so much that they want to sit down and create a whole world for them...” 

Daisy was off on her tangent again, and I knew I could sit back and relax. She’d been on the show before, which was why she was so confident and comfortable sitting in her pajamas. I also knew she talked a lot. Which was perfectly fine with me because my mind was still on how stupid I had been at the party. I shouldn’t have even stepped through the doors, and I should have left the second I found out it was his place. 

Harry hadn’t tried to contact me since the party. Since it was only the week before, I hadn’t expected him to. But I was happy he seemed to be taking my words seriously. It would take time for me to stand being around him. Someone who had gotten in contact with me, however, was Gemma. She’d found me on Instagram and followed me. We’d been chatting back and forth about random and trivial things, never really bringing up her brother or the damage he’d done to me. Instead, she asked how work was going and if Veronica and Bailey were going to get engaged soon. 

Daisy and I finished up our conversation and Jeremiah cut the sound. We both stood, our joints popping and creaking from sitting down in one position for so long. “That was fun, Petra.”

“Always nice having you back, Daisy.”

Jeremiah and Veronica were chatting in the booth, yet to open up the door. Which was why Daisy leaned over to me and whispered, “Hey, can I ask you a question?” Without waiting for me to respond, she continued. “Is Jeremiah seeing anyone?”

I blinked at her, surprised by what she was asking me. In the years I’d known Jeremiah, he’d only had one serious girlfriend. They lasted six months, but Jeremiah was gutted when she broke up with him. He had been telling me that he thought she was the one he was going to marry. That had been nearly two years ago. “Not that I know of. Why, you thinking about going for it?”

Daisy was a pretty girl. She had short hair cut to her shoulders, in a dark brown that nearly looked black. Right now she was wearing pajamas, but I’d seen her enough to know she was about my size, despite the fact that she towered over me by at least six inches. She’d always been kind to me. Given my track record with people, this was a big factor. “I dunno. We always have nice chats when I’m here. And he always walks me to my car. He’s sweet.” We both looked back at the booth, where Jeremiah was sitting. He was clicking away at something on the computer, looking like he was arguing with Veronica. “And damn, Petra, he’s fit as hell.”

A laugh escaped my throat, unbidden, and Daisy giggled along with me. I’d never considered Jeremiah fit, but I supposed subjectively, he was. I had always just known him as my friend Jeremiah, so there was never any attraction between us. “I think if you want to, you should go for it.” It would be nice to see Jeremiah get out of his shell a bit.

“Yeah?” When I nodded, she let out a breath. “Oh good. I thought there might have been something going on between you two.”

Wrinkling my nose in distaste, I shook my head. “He’s like an annoying older brother.”

Daisy laughed. “Well, I think I’m gonna ask for his number then. Maybe when he walks me out.”

Veronica left with a smile and a promise to see me later. Jeremiah, true to Daisy’s word, offered to walk her out to her car before Zach got here to pick him up. Which left me alone in Outset, sitting in the sound booth and getting a pad and paper. I would start listening to see if it all sounded good and jot down anything if I heard it.

My phone lit up with an Instagram message notification. I assumed it was Gemma, continuing on our conversation about Veronica and Bailey, so I picked it up absentmindedly and slid my finger across the notification to open it. When I looked down, however, I realized it was from a completely different Styles sibling.

I wanted to follow you on Instagram, but I figured I’d better ask you first. 

I was trying really hard not to be mad at him, because I hadn’t lied when I said I was exhausted of it. But it was shit like this, him thinking that things were okay between us just because of one drunken lapse in judgement on my part by letting me know I liked the flowers, that made me mad. 

Do whatever you want, Harry. I don’t care.

But I did care. I didn’t want him seeing my personal life. There were pictures of me at Comic-Con, pictures of me holding up a new book with the biggest grin on my face, and a video of me dancing around in an alien costume for my twenty-third birthday. Giving him access to that, to see me at my most vulnerable, was a mistake. When I glanced back down to my phone, I saw that he had read my message. 

I waited for the notification that he followed me, but it never came.

[luckycloud808]

weird asks that say a lot from @julietgiulia​

1. coffee mugs, teacups, wine glasses, water bottles, or soda cans? Coffee mugs

2. chocolate bars or lollipops? Chocolate 

3. bubblegum or cotton candy? Neither

4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you? Shy, conscientious, perfectionist

5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups? Glasses

6. pastel, boho, tomboy, preppy, goth, grunge, formal or sportswear? All contributors

7. earbuds or headphones? Earbuddies :)

8. movies or tv shows? Movies

9. favourite smell in the summer? Hot soil, flowering plants, fruit and needle trees, post rain, towel after ocean swim, wind through car window driving through forest(ed highway)

10. game you were best at in p.e.? Hockey, soccer, california kickball, high jump and arm hang? 

11. what you have for breakfast on an average day? Usually oatmeal or millet with omegas, fruit and oat milk or avocado bagel with black pepper and nutritional yeast

12. name of your favourite playlist? A nice mix for ness

13. lanyard or key ring? Key ring

14. favourite non-chocolate candy? Licorice, candied fennel or anise seeds

15. favourite book you read as a school assignment? Les miserables, The thief lord, The cellist of Sarajevo - off the top

16. most comfortable position to sit in? Slumpy posture, one leg over or under the other, knee tuck or apple sauce

17. most frequently worn pair of shoes? Hiking boots or black sambas

18. ideal weather? Sunny after rain a little windy

19. sleeping position? No pillow usually on my left or on my back or front with one leg bent 

20. preferred place to write (i.e., in a note book, on your laptop, sketchpad, post-it notes, etc.)? Notebook or notes app

21. obsession from childhood? Fairies and making homes

22. role model? Opa

23. strange habits? Not sure what qualifies as strange

24. favourite crystal? Not really into them but maybe jade or quartz 

25. first song you remember hearing? I turned out a punk or something by Joe Strummer

26. favourite activity to do in warm weather? Backpacking

27. favourite activity to do in cold weather? Cuddling, snowy adventuring, dancing

28. five songs to describe you? Hazel (bob dylan), Planted a thought (arthur russell), Junie (solange), Corridor of dreams (the cleaners from venus), Even cowgirls get the blues (emmylou harris)

29. best way to bond with you? Quality time, presence, care, spontaneity / silly curiousity

30. places that you find sacred? Oma and Opa’s yard and greenhouse, forest, Veluwe, ocean

31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names? Floral dress, nice earrings with sambas and sweatshirt or hiking boots, wool socks and over shirt, with shorts and tank top

32. top five favourite vines? Fresh avocado is the only one that comes to mind

33. most used phrase in your phone? Yay sweet and or That’s funny

34. advertisements you have stuck in your head? Can’t think of any

35. average time you fall asleep? 2am

36. what is the first meme you remember ever seeing? Probably one of those justgirlythings ones here or Fb I have no idea

37. suitcase or duffel bag? Suitcase

38. lemonade or tea? Tea

39. lemon cake or lemon meringue pie? Lemon tart

40. weirdest thing to ever happen to you at your school? High school - Maybe bear spray yoe evac? authority figure telling me what I was wearing was inappropriate? psych teacher crying in class? Post sec - Tiktok famous boy makes a tiktok of me knitting in psych class? boy crushing steals my textbook just to get me to go to his car so he can return it to me? 

41. last person you texted? Daisy 🌼

42. jacket pockets or pants pockets? BOTH

43. hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket? Hoodie

44. favourite scent for soap? Rose, patchouli, rosemary, lavendar, mint, etc.

45. which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero? Fantasy

46. most comfortable outfit to sleep in? Naked 

47. favourite type of cheese? Cashew cheese or if I could brie

48. if you were a fruit, what kind would you be? White nectarine but there are so many to try!

49. what saying or quote do you live by? “She walked with her entire body as if to gain momentum for an event in which her entire body would participate.” - Anaïs Nin (A spy in the house of love)

50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have? Probably my kid best friend

51. current stresses? Health issues, unstable income

52. favorite font? Freight rn

53. what is the current state of your hands? Coffee shakes

54. what did you learn from your first job? Hundreds of PLU’s, how to pack groceries, how messy and wasteful people are, that everyone should have to do a customer service job in their lifetime, how really great and awful people are, that I shouldn’t let other people’s stresses make me feel like I should be stressed, that quitting is good sometimes

55. favourite fairy tale? The six swans, Vasalisa the wise, Baba yaga, Bluebeard, Rumpelstiltskin, The red shoes, The velvet ribbon, Goldilocks and the three bears, and many many more

56. favourite tradition? Writing letters and cards, dressing up for halloween, celebrating birthdays

57. the three biggest struggles you’ve overcome? Eating disorder, depression and heartbreak (although these are things I still need to keep being overcome)

58. four talents you’re proud of having? Writing, taking notes, learning about my body, feeling for what resonates

59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be? Heyo, how bout that!

60. if you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be? Nausicaä of the valley of the wind (hayao miyazaki)

61. favourite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.? Recently found on my Tumblr feed from a book waiting on my shelf: “I want to believe, walking those aimless nights, that I was praying. For what I’m still not sure. But I always felt it was just ahead of me. That if I walked far enough, long enough, I would find it–perhaps even hold it up, like a tongue at the end of its word.” - Ocean Vuong (On earth we’re briefly gorgeous)

62. seven characters you relate to? In no particular order, not long thought out: 1) Sabina (A spy in the house of love), 2) Elio (Call me by your name), 3) Patti (Just kids), 4) Sally (The ruby in the smoke), 5) Camille (Un amour de jeunesse), 6) Dani (Midsommar), 7) Orla (Derry Girls)

63. five songs that would play in your club? I follow rivers - the magician remix (lykke li), JA! (bizzey), Gasolina (daddy yankee), Nice for what (drake), This must be the place - naive melody (talking heads) / love my way (psychedelic furs)

64. favourite website from your childhood? Myscene, Club penguin - those free gaming websites 

65. any permanent scars? A few on my face from tables and my dog, one on my knee from flip flops on a boat launch, a few burns here and there that probably aren’t permanent

66. favourite flower(s)? Always changing, echinacea and yellow roses rn

67. good luck charms? Change on the ground, nice earrings, well worn shoes, spotting flowers or animals

68. worst flavour of any food or drink you’ve ever tried? Cream of mushroom

69. a fun fact that you don’t know how you learned? Popped in my head, maybe not the most fun - the flower bud in the centres of apple tree fruiting spurs make the king fruit (the biggest and best apple from each spur) and if you pick the king blossom then all the surrounding blossoms will be bigger and better 

70. left or right handed? Right

71. least favourite pattern? Galaxy?

72. worst subject? Economics

73. favourite weird flavour combo? Miso and apple, blueberries and coconut curry, orange juice and beer (I don't know if its really possible to find a “weird” combo maybe it’s more like “not found in my culture”)

74. at what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before you take an advil or ibuprofen? 5 if 0 is no pain (I don't think I’ve been above 8.5)

75. when did you lose your first tooth? No idea

76. what’s your favourite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)? Gnocchi or boerenkool

77. best plant to grow on a windowsill? Flowering plants

78. coffee from a gas station or sushi from a grocery store? Station coffee

79. which looks better, your school id photo or your driver’s license photo? School id

80. earth tones or jewel tones? Earth

81. fireflies or lightning bugs? I don't think I have much experience with either

82. pc or console? I cannot either way

83. writing or drawing? This is my kryptonite question

84. podcasts or talk radio? Podcasts if I had to choose

84. barbie or polly pocket? Polly pocket

85. fairy tales or mythology? Mythology (stories are linked more)

86. cookies or cupcakes? Cookies

87. your greatest fear? My health issues keep accumulating and getting worse forever

88. your greatest wish? My health issues resolve

89. who would you put before everyone else? Myself, Suzmom or Marleymoon

90. luckiest mistake? Choosing mini school, don't regret it but maybe not the best decision

91. boxes or bags? Bags

92. lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights? Sunlight and rocksalt lamps

93. nicknames? Ness, nessie, nessa, bean, bear, benjamin, kindje, sweet pea

94. favourite season? Late spring or late summer

95. favourite app on your phone? Flo, Spotify, Google maps, notes, weather, find my

96. desktop background? Santa Catalina Island off the coast of Southern California

97. how many phone numbers do you have memorized? 7+

98. favourite historical era? I love revolutions and renaissances but all of em have hard times and good times

[erinelezabeth920]

Love in the Time Of

Shame. Is the thing I want to talk about. Love in the time of shame.

I mean I don’t really want to talk about it. I’d really rather not actually, except that I have the sneaking suspicion that I’m not the only one. Not by a long shot. So here we go.  Last night I wanted to go to bed by 10pm, so I could get up early and go on a run BEFORE signing into Zoom at 7:45am to lead a yoga meditation class for my friends and family, BEFORE doing some reading of self-help books and solo meditation BEFORE I start trying to do an impossible job from my living room for an unclear number of hours per day with an attention span of basically zero to negative. 

When I write this it sounds absurd. I know that. But brains are weird. Especially mine. Remember the anxiety based overfunctioning/ underfunctioning I talked about last time? Overfunctioning much?  Anyway, that didn’t happen. We had finished a DnD session with my brother and college roommate, (my character is a rouge-gnome named Huckleberry Shake who has short purple hair, is really good at sneaking and lock picking, and carries a crossbow. I like to imagine a sort of cross between ‘Midsummer's Night Dream’ and Assassin’s Creed’.) Anyway, it was around 9:30 ish pm. It was also Cinco de Mayo, and we had picked up tacos from the neighborhood about a 15 minute drive south with a strong hispanic/ latinx population. The past couple weeks I’ve been referencing that line in ‘Wet Hot American Summer’ where they all pile into the pick up truck to go into town and go batshit crazy. “It always feels good to get away from camp, even for an hour!” Just to drive somewhere to pick up food feels like a crazy adventure these days. 

I made us magaritas when I got back; they were bright blue because we had some kind of blue liquor that I can’t remember the name of. After DnD I wanted to watch some TV. I made myself another margarita and some popcorn, which is my quarantine coping crutch. I watched this trashy but great Netflix show about teenagers in North Carolina called Outer Banks. Except the episodes kept ending on cliff hangers (OMG he KILLED HIM?), so I kept watching. I painted my toenails purple, using packing peanuts to space them out. I was kind of proud of myself actually.

It was about midnight when I went to bed. I woke up with a small headache, a result of tequila and salty popcorn and poor quality sleep. I was going to go on a walk/ run and listen to the news. I didn’t. I snoozed the alarm about ten times. It was raining out. I led my yoga class and ate some sourdough toast. And here we are. The light is filtering through the apartment windows, as I sit on the couch in my sweat pants. The crazy thing is, I just feel SO much shame. And guilt. Guilt for having a headache, shame for not waking up early to do all these things I honestly don’t even need to do. I feel shame for not writing more often, shame when I look at the dishes that are dirty. Shame when I don’t go outside to go on a walk, exercise, or when I close my work laptop early to lie on the couch and scroll through my phone.  I’ve been trying the past couple weeks to figure out this phenomena that seems to be happening to me, but also to other people I talk to. I feel okay for about 3 days, and then completely collapse. I just can’t do anything, flatline, but there doesn’t really seem to be a direct cause. It’s just like dropping on the roller coaster without warning. I was telling a friend the other day that on weekends, all I do is sleep. Usually I’m a very active person who has an almost clincally hard time sitting still. I haven’t felt like this, I told him, since I worked the hardest jobs in my life- full time wilderness therapy or residential treatment for children with Autism working 12 hour days. I work MAYBE six hours a day these days but probably more like four, broken up by lying on the couch watching documentaries and scrolling on my phone. So why am I SO DAMN EXHAUSTED? 

I did some research the other week into chronic stress for a newsletter article I was writing for parents of my elementary school. Chronic stress is different than acute stress, I found, because it has no concrete beginning and end. It’s not like a car crash or a loved one dying. Instead (for those of us with the intense privelage not to be on the front lines- god bless if you are) it’s a constant low hum in the background through news headlines, grocery store lines and crossing the street when another person is coming your direction on the sidewalk. It’s a disruption of normality with no conceivable ending, sending our brains into a low key 24/7 flight or fight mode, draining us with tiny doses of adrenaline and uncertainty that build up over time. It’s not in the forefront, but it’s there in our tight shoulders, exhaustion, inattention, insomnia, short fuses and total lack of motivation. Until we can’t take it any more and crash, seemingly out of nowhere. And then the whole thing starts again. 

As Brene Brown says, “We’ve hit our collective weary.” In one podcast episode she interviews a grief expert. He says, we are all grieving right now. Even if we don’t name it, we’re showing the symptoms. But instead of grieving the death of an individual (for most of us), we are grieving the lifestyles we’ve lost (work settings, close contact, friendships, normalcy). And grief exhausts us. BUT, because most of us aren’t experiencing acute grief (ie a loved one dying) we feel shame on TOP of that grief, that we shouldn’t be tired or inept when others have it SO much worse. It’s a meta emotion. Shame layered on grief like a terrible lasagna. How can we be justified in experiencing grief when all we do is sit on the couch and watch Netflix and eat snacks for hours a day? We’re not even in a wartime or something concrete that gives justification and purpose. Instead it’s just a vague, deep sense of disruption of life as we know it. But it’s just as real. I was walking on the beach at the time I listened to the podcast; when he said the words, “We are grieving the loss of the world as we knew it,” the sun was setting over the water. It hit me like a ton of bricks.

A few weeks ago, Andy cut my hair. When the pieces fell to the floor of our friend’s porch and the scissors snipped away larger chunks than I woud have liked, my stomach dropped. I started panicking. I felt like the world was ending. I don’t panic when I read the news, go to the grocery store in a mask, or even read the death toll. But when my hair fell to the ground around me in the gathering twilight, I absolutely lost it. I came home and sobbed. It was the first time I’d cried since the pandemic began, and it’s like it just all came out. I was so angry at Andy, and he felt so bad. I was a shell of a person for twelve hours. I cancelled morning yoga for the first time in six weeks, lamenting everyone would have look at me close up on a screen. I wanted to stay in bed forever, (until we fixed the haircut and it actually looked pretty good). But for a second there I was broken, and it was because of a goddamn haircut. I mean for Christ sakes, people are dying out there. It made me feel so petty and stupid. There’s a global pandemic happening, and I am distraught FROM MY HAIR?!

But that’s how grief works. We can’t look at the thing head on, it’s too much. A death toll is just numbers. Our brains seek to survive, to normalize, to adapt just to get through. So instead the trauma seeps into the corners, slowly creeping into our bodies and collective exhaustion until one little thing causes the world to come crashing down. The straw that breaks the camel’s back. And then we feel overwhelming shame for being so affected by something so little. For me, my lizard brain was honestly convinced I would never be attractive or happy again. 

(ALSO to be fair we watched, ‘Little Women’ a few days later. In the movie there’s the scene where Jo cuts all her hair off to give her mother money to travel to their sick father in the war. She’s then pictured crying under the stairwell. “Is it mother?” her sister asks. “No,” she says, “It’s MY HAIR!”. "See?!” I said to Andy.)

The underlying theme here is shame. We’re ashamed of our emotions because they don’t seem justified. Comparative suffering. My suffering isn’t nearly as bad as others, therefore I should not feel this way. I’m ashamed of myself for eating snacks and worried I’m going to gain a bunch of weight. Then I’m ashamed for being ashamed instead of being body positive. I’m ashamed of myself for enjoying an evening with drinks (yes plural), popcorn, painting my toes and watching teenagers who are actually in their twenties look for buried treasure. Honestly, it sounds like a great night. And it was. 

I just finished re-reading “The Four Agreements”, the Toltec wisdom book. The first agreement is “Be Impeccable With Your Word.” I assumed from the first time I read it, it meant “always tell the truth”. The reality though, is it means, our words have power. Especially our words about ourselves. Just this morning I entered my enchilada and margaritas from yesterday into my ‘Weight Watchers’ app and felt terrible. I told myself I was fat, lazy and useless. Which seems absurd when I write it out, but that’s the honest to goodness narrative inside my head. Being impeccable with our word means watching what we say to ourselves, because our words create a reality. We create our own cycles of shame. 

Even at this moment, typing this, I feel ashamed that this piece of writing is so scattered. My English major brain is mad at me. Get it together Erin. Find a cohesive theme and stick to it. Get emotional, but not too emotional. Tell stories, but not too many stories. But writing at it’s best is vulnerability and transparency;  and honestly right now it’s hard to hold on to any one thought for longer than a few seconds. And I’m pretty sure it’s not just me. Little pieces, scattered thoughts, just trying to put the puzzle together. (Oh and don’t even get me STARTED on puzzles... Andy is MUCH better than me at them, and, saving the face of our relationship, let’s just say that is another dangerous straw perched on the camel’s back through only the fault of my own...) Anyway, I think at this point, just find anything that makes you smile. Literally anything. I personally like Brad Leone’s Bon Appetite Youtube channel “It’s Alive.” He makes me laugh so much. The episode with him and Orville Peck making elote almost broke me.  Find those things, hold on to them and be kind to yourself. It’s okay to feel less than. Just remember you’re not. We’ve collectively hit weary, the point in the race where you’ve been running for so long, but the finish line is so far away. It’s okay just to go one step at a time. 

Paint your toes. Eat your popcorn. Drink your margaritas. Whatever we can do just to survive. One step at a time. You’re not alone. 

And that’s love in the time of. 

[natfosho26]

1-98.

1. coffee mugs, teacups, wine glasses, water bottles, or soda cans?

Coffe mugs and water bottles

2. chocolate bars or lollipops? Lollipops

3. bubblegum or cotton candy? Bubblegum

4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you? Social and outgoing

5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups?

Plastic cups

6. pastel, boho, tomboy, preppy, goth, grunge, formal or sportswear?

Tomboy

7. earbuds or headphones? Headphones

8. movies or tv shows? Tv shows

9. favorite smell in the summer? Summer rain

10. game you were best at in p.e.? Four square and basketball fwm

11. what you have for breakfast on an average day? An egg sandwich

12. name of your favorite playlist? “Jams”

13. lanyard or key ring? Lanyard

14. favorite non-chocolate candy? Twizzlers

15. favorite book you read as a school assignment? Go ask Alice

16. most comfortable position to sit in? Cross legged

17. most frequently worn pair of shoes? Adidas or black vans

18. ideal weather? Fall

19. sleeping position? On a side or my stomach

20. preferred place to write (i.e., in a note book, on your laptop, sketchpad, post-it notes, etc.)? Notebook

21. obsession from childhood? Music

22. role model? Alondra de la Parra

23. strange habits? Smelling food before I eat it lol

24. favorite crystal? Meth jk I don’t know about that stuff lol

25. first song you remember hearing? Fur Elise

26. favorite activity to do in warm weather? Play basketball

27. favorite activity to do in cold weather? Paint

28. five songs to describe you? Hard to love by lee Brice, self care by Mac Miller, old friends by pinegrove, and 26 by paramore

29. best way to bond with you? With weed and music

30. places that you find sacred? My parents house, my house, and my family members graves

31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names? Khaki pants and a red polo

32. top five favorite vines? I don’t have any lol

33. most used phrase in your phone? Idk lol

34. advertisements you have stuck in your head? None

35. average time you fall asleep? Right about now 9:30

36. what is the first meme you remember ever seeing? Those me gusta ones

37. suitcase or duffel bag? Duffel bag

38. lemonade or tea? Yes

39. lemon cake or lemon meringue pie? Lemon cake

40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school? My old computers fan actually started blowing smoke during class once

41. last person you texted? My sister

42. jacket pockets or pants pockets? Both

43. hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket? Hoodie

44. favorite scent for soap? Coconut

45. which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero? Oh that’s a hard one.. superhero

46. most comfortable outfit to sleep in? Shirt and underwear

47. favorite type of cheese? Munster

48. if you were a fruit, what kind would you be? Strawberry

49. what saying or quote do you live by? Everyone deserves a second chance but never for the same reason

50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have? Probably some shit talking while high

51. current stresses? My Cooperative teacher hasn’t turned in my final and my capstone grade

52. favorite font? N/a

53. what is the current state of your hands? Holding this damn phone

54. what did you learn from your first job? Don’t mess up hungry people’s orders

55. favorite fairy tale? I don’t have one

56. favorite tradition? Thanksgiving and Christmas with my family

57. the three biggest struggles you’ve overcome? Graduating college, getting over a toxic relationship, and coming out to my parents

58. four talents you’re proud of having? Music and arts that’s it

59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be? “I have a song for that”

60. if you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be? Hm idk about this stuff

61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.? Don’t would what you cannot kill

62. seven characters you relate to? Ross, Rachel, Jim, dexter, Christina yang, gob, and Batman

63. five songs that would play in your club? Chamaeleon, come on Eileen, Cottoned eye joe, 500 miles, and staying alive

64. favorite website from your childhood? Math games.com

65. any permanent scars? One on my right wrist and a couple on my knees

66. favorite flower(s)? Tiger lily

67. good luck charms? None

68. worst flavor of any food or drink you’ve ever tried? Food... corn lol drink.. root beer

69. a fun fact that you don’t know how you learned? You can’t cry and drink at the same time

70. left or right handed? Right

71. least favorite pattern? Zig zags

72. worst subject? Math

73. favorite weird flavor combo? Ketchup and mayo lol

74. at what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before you take an advil or ibuprofen? Like 7

75. when did you lose your first tooth? I don’t remember

76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)? Fries

77. best plant to grow on a windowsill? Succulents

78. coffee from a gas station or sushi from a grocery store? Coffee lol

79. which looks better, your school id photo or your driver’s license photo? NONE

80. earth tones or jewel tones? earth

81. fireflies or lightning bugs? Fireflies

82. pc or console? Console

83. writing or drawing? Both

84. podcasts or talk radio? Podcasts

84. barbie or polly pocket? Barbie

85. fairy tales or mythology? Mythology

86. cookies or cupcakes? Cookies

87. your greatest fear? Failure in my career choice

88. your greatest wish? Finding a good first job

89. who would you put before everyone else? My mom

90. luckiest mistake? Switching my degree plan when I did

91. boxes or bags? Boxes

92. lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights? Sunlight

93. nicknames? Nat or nato-cato

94. favorite season? Summer or fall

95. favorite app on your phone? This one

96. desktop background? Batman

97. how many phone numbers do you have memorized? Three

98. favorite historical era? Prehistoric era

[kerrymcavoyphd]

Grieving the Loss of the Pre-COVID-19 World

The good news is that we are all doing this together.

The other day I received a message from a friend that read: “I just needed to talk. To say these things to someone I know who gets it.” We hopped on a video call. Then, she began to cry. “Sorry, it’s all getting to be too much,” she said as she wiped away the tears. “I wish you were here. I could really use a hug.” Over the past few days, I’ve had this type of conversation several times. It’s becoming familiar as I’ve chatted online with friends. There’s been a shift in mood from anxiety to a pervasive sense of sadness. Many of us got word yesterday that our children would not be returning to school to finish out the year. Another massive blow on the heels of all the other changes we’ve made in recent weeks. Most of us now work from home, that is if we still have a job. We can’t gather in groups larger than ten. Doctors and dentists’ offices sit empty of patients in lieu of online medical visits, except for emergencies. Even the simplest of errands has required planning and preparation. This past week I grocery shopped wearing a surgical mask. I waited my turn to enter the local grocery store’s large interior since only a maximum of fifty people is allowed inside. Instead of a friendly handshake, the store’s employee greeted me at the main entrance with one pump of hand sanitizer and a wet wipe to cleanse the handle of my cart. I no longer recognize the new world. The initial feeling of novelty has worn off, replaced by fatigue and a longing to return to the familiarity of what once was. Like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, I want to click my heels together with hopes I can return to the life I had before the COVID-19 pandemic.

We’re grieving.

I recognize this new mood; it’s grief. We are collectively mourning the loss of the world we knew as we enter the uncharted territory of the world that has yet to become. I’m intimately familiar with this feeling. I’ve been here before. Five and a half years ago, I had big plans. As my youngest son entered his senior year of high school, my family and I sold our large home in the country and bought a lot closer to town. Together, my husband, Brad, and I poured over new house plans and looked at appliances and finish materials as we dreamed of being empty-nesters. Brad had eight more years before retirement. We could see the end in sight. We thought we would soon be able to focus on leisure activities and strengthening our marriage after surviving the crazy years of child rearing. We discussed trips we wanted to take, new hobbies we planned to pick up, and friendships we would prioritize. Brad’s face mirrored the excitement I felt as we discussed our future. That all changed in an instant. Brad ended up in the hospital for odd bouts of vomiting and nausea. We all thought it was nothing. Maybe Brad had caught the flu that had been going around. “Mr. McAvoy,” the doctor said as he rushed into the hospital room, “you have cancer.” He then pulled out a whiteboard that had been sitting in the corner and began to diagram in a crude sketch an outline of Brad’s GI system. “It’s a cancer of the duodenum, part of the small intestinal tract.” Five short months later. Brad died.

The intense pain that comes with loss

And with that diagnosis, life as I knew it ended. The new house, my private counseling practice, our retirement dreams, and my marriage. Suddenly over with no fanfare. No loud bang. It just disappeared. At first, the pain of loss was so intense I could barely breathe. For a while, I just existed. I waffled between tearfulness, rage, envy, and hopelessness. My therapist suggested I give this pain space — to make room for it purposefully. Her suggestion sounded crazy. I worried creating time for pain would worsen it. Despite my misgivings, I gave it a try. Each evening, I sat in my living room alone and listened to a gloomy piece of music. I held onto wads of tissues as the tears fell. At first, it hurt, but the deliberateness of this practice seemed to help. Surprisingly, the pain changed and eased in time. That’s where we, as a world, now exist — in this same spot of loss and unfamiliarity. All the well-known landmarks of our day-to-day existence have disappeared. The rhythms of life — kids’ school schedules, graduation parties, church gatherings, after work drinks, hanging out with friends at a baseball game — are all gone. What will replace it? We can’t answer that yet. It’s too soon. Something different, though. We will discover a “new normal,” but it won’t be the same. And someday, it might even feel good again. In the meantime, we’re here. Amid this transition between what once was and what will be. It’s a hard place because most of us have never done this before. There’s plenty of advice going around, though. Mediate, one friend suggested. Another surrounds herself with positive thoughts. Practice a daily habit of gratitude, I hear suggested from someone else. These are all great suggestions…when done at the right time. This is not that time. Right now we are suffering lots of losses. So many — big ones and small ones. And they all hurt. It hit me today that my sons’ Christmas gift of enjoying a weekend music festival as a family this fall probably won’t happen. That’s a minor loss, but I’m bummed. My oldest son is currently in remission from cancer. He decided to stop his chemotherapy this week in lieu of a stronger immune system. If his cancer returns, the losses will be beyond imagining. The thought of that terrifies me.

There are no shortcuts with grief

David Kessler, one of the foremost experts on loss, said in an interview with Brené Brown this week that there are no shortcuts in grief. We must feel the pain. He explained that the way we individually grieve is unique but it is emotional work we cannot avoid. “There no way around the pain. If you don’t feel it, you can’t heal it,” he stated. (Unlocking Us Podcast, David Kessler and Brené Brown on Grief and Finding Meaning) It is crucial we permit ourselves to be emotional. To miss what is gone. To be angry, scared, and sad. The only way to get to the other side of this pain is through it. The good news is that we got each other. I used to go to a support group for families of cancer patients. It helped to be with others facing the same tragedy. With COVID-19, we don’t need to find a support group because we have one another. We are all in it together. The anniversary of Brad’s death is fast approaching. It will have been five years ago in June. I no longer feel the same intense pain I felt right after he died. In its place are nostalgia, love, and gratitude. Someday that will also be true in regards to the pain we feel for the loss of the pre-COVID-19 world. But not today. Today, we are still reeling and hurting. And that’s okay. We won’t grieve forever, but we will for a while, and that is as it should be. It’s all part of the healing. JOIN MY EMAIL LIST FOR LATEST UPDATES!

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[eljokerbabey]

Do all of them.

fuck you nick fine

200: My crush’s name is: haha she follows me so no199: I was born in: California 198: I am really: hella dope197: My cellphone company is: sprint, what the fuck kinda question196: My eye color is: brown195: My shoe size is: like 9194: My ring size is: I’m not sure193: My height is: 5′8192: I am allergic to: Absolutely Nothing191: My 1st car was: haha i can’t drive190: My 1st job was: Working for my dad I guess189: Last book you read: Interview With The Vampire188: My bed is: A mess187: My pet: 4 cats named Delilah, L.E., Perro, and Mallory186: My best friend: Michael Gregorio Trainstation, i think his name was, its been a while, he moved to idaho like 30 years ago185: My favorite shampoo is: that one from my childhood that looks like a fish184: Xbox or ps3: ecks bawks183: Piggy banks are: a metaphor for greed? I dunno, they’re neat182: In my pockets: nothin at the moment 181: On my calendar: many photos of my friend brenton180: Marriage is: something that requires a lot of thought179: Spongebob can: and will find you178: My mom: is the best177: The last three songs I bought were?176: Last YouTube video watched: probably a podcast175: How many cousins do you have?: at least 12? probably more, I have 9 uncles on my dads side alone, and most of them have kids, so174: Do you have any siblings? older brother, younger sister173: Are your parents divorced? nah 172: Are you taller than your mom? yes171: Do you play an instrument? I play a pretty sub par piano170: What did you do yesterday? kicked the shit out of my friends at party games[ I Believe In ]169: Love at first sight: logically no, but 168: Luck: Yeah pretty much167: Fate: Sort of166: Yourself: ye165: Aliens: yep164: Heaven: I like to163: Hell: nope, well, not exactly162: God: in some form or another161: Horoscopes: nah 160: Soul mates: I like the idea159: Ghosts: Sure158: Gay Marriage: Hell yeah157: War: no bueno, unless its like, against some super actual evil I guess156: Orbs: I don’t know what this means, the shape? yes?155: Magic: sure[ This or That ]154: Hugs or Kisses: both? i can’t decide153: Drunk or High: Drunk152: Phone or Online: Online151: Red heads or Black haired: Redheads150: Blondes or Brunettes: Brunettes149: Hot or cold: Cold148: Summer or winter: Winter147: Autumn or Spring: Autumn146: Chocolate or vanilla: Chocolate145: Night or Day: day144: Oranges or Apples: Oranges143: Curly or Straight hair:142: McDonalds or Burger King: McDonalds141: White Chocolate or Milk Chocolate: Milk Chocolate140: Mac or PC: PC139: Flip flops or high heals: I dunno138: Ugly and rich OR sweet and poor: Sweet and Poor, the fuck kinda question137: Coke or Pepsi: Pepsi, but only because cherry pepsi exists136: Hillary or Obama: Obama135: Burried or cremated: I like to ignore my mortality mostly134: Singing or Dancing: as a thing for me to do; Singing, but I like watching other people dance 133: Coach or Chanel: I don’t uh, I don’t care132: Kat McPhee or Taylor Hicks: who131: Small town or Big city: Small town130: Wal-Mart or Target: kmart, fuck you129: Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler: Ben Stiller128: Manicure or Pedicure: fuck if i know127: East Coast or West Coast: west coast126: Your Birthday or Christmas: Christmas125: Chocolate or Flowers: Flowers, sure124: Disney or Six Flags: I’m told that my answer should be disney, but i’ve never been to either123: Yankees or Red Sox: sport sport sport sport[ Here’s What I Think About ]122: War: Its bad121: George Bush: would make a pretty fun neighbor120: Gay Marriage: its good119: The presidential election: a trainwreck118: Abortion: none of my business117: MySpace: rip116: Reality TV: i used to be all about it115: Parents: pretty much the coolest114: Back stabbers: not good113: Ebay: an important step towards the existence of amazon112: Facebook: damn millenials 111: Work: another day another dollar, sir110: My Neighbors: santaman is pretty cool109: Gas Prices: haha i don’t drive108: Designer Clothes: hella107: College: expensive106: Sports: sport sport sport sport105: My family: pretty okay, there are lots104: The future: we’ll see what happens[ Last time I ]103: Hugged someone: yesterday probably102: Last time you ate: yesterday101: Saw someone I haven’t seen in awhile: saturday, I saw caylen, hadn’t seen him for a couple weeks100: Cried in front of someone: midway last year I think, I had a weird unexplained pretty bad panic attack out of nowhere99: Went to a movie theater: a few days ago, I saw Your Name, it was good98: Took a vacation:  months ago probably97: Swam in a pool: I don’t remember96: Changed a diaper: Probably never95: Got my nails done: Never?94: Went to a wedding: I think my best friends was the last one I went to, it was august 2016 I guess?93: Broke a bone: Never92: Got a peircing: Never91: Broke the law: Couple weeks ago maybe?90: Texted: last night[ MISC ]89: Who makes you laugh the most: too difficult everyone I know is hilarious88: Something I will really miss when I leave home is: my family87: The last movie I saw: Your Name, it was really good86: The thing that I’m looking forward to the most: leaving town for a bit, in the near future, to my friends in redding for a bit, in the later future, to fort bragg to camp 85: The thing im not looking forward to: potentially running into a specific person who I think hates me now 84: People call me: a pretty funny guy83: The most difficult thing to do is: let go of people82: I have gotten a speeding ticket: no81: My zodiac sign is: taurus80: The first person i talked to today was: Enrique79: First time you had a crush: Like first grade78: The one person who i can’t hide things from: Michael Gorgon Trombone, i think his name was, my best friend, he moved to idaho like a hundred years ago77: Last time someone said something you were thinking: Probably the other day76: Right now I am talking to: nobody75: What are you going to do when you grow up: I guess I want to go to school for psychology74: I have/will get a job: at some point73: Tomorrow: never dies72: Today: gonna hang out with a couple of chuckleheads i guess71: Next Summer: Who knows70: Next Weekend: I’ll have just gotten back into town and will probably go to a friends house to play boardgames69: I have these pets: cats, dogs68: The worst sound in the world: nail filing67: The person that makes me cry the most is: I dunno, I haven’t really cried in a while66: People that make you happy: all my friends and most of my family65: Last time I cried: like last year64: My friends are: interesting and cool63: My computer is: okay62: My School: will not be that bad61: My Car: haha i don’t drive60: I lose all respect for people who: hurt others59: The movie I cried at was: I don’t remember the last time I cried at a movie58: Your hair color is: Black, naturally, but I dyed it a different color for a while, which required bleaching, so its sorta fading into a weird light color now57: TV shows you watch: lots, i’ve been really into my hero academia lately56: Favorite web site: all websites are bad55: Your dream vacation: like a cabin somewhere in the mountains54: The worst pain I was ever in was: probably when my appendix burst53: How do you like your steak cooked: medium rare52: My room is: not utilized properly, its big, but its too messy and cluttered, gotta fix that at some point 51: My favorite celebrity is: i dunno, NPH or something 50: Where would you like to be: somewhere norther with someone I care about49: Do you want children: I’m neutral48: Ever been in love: yeah lots47: Who’s your best friend: michaelangelo Gardengnome Teatime, he moved to idaho an indeterminate amount of time ago46: More guy friends or girl friends: I have more guy friends than girl friends, if thats what this is asking45: One thing that makes you feel great is: when people tell me what my positive traits are, or mention that they thought of me, I guess44: One person that you wish you could see right now: Probably Mike Gatorade Turbulence, I always want to hang with that fool43: Do you have a 5 year plan: not really, more like a general idea42: Have you made a list of things to do before you die: loosely41: Have you pre-named your children: I’ve thought of it, but like Idk if I’ll have kids40: Last person I got mad at: myself probably39: I would like to move to: somewhere north, washington or oregon maybe, on a large property thats mostly wilderness that I own, haha38: I wish I was a professional: entertainer, probably[ My Favorites ]37: Candy: recess cups I guess36: Vehicle: I think motorcycles are cool35: President: Teddy Roosevelt I guess34: State visited: I’ve only really visited Idaho so I guess it wins by default33: Cellphone provider: If I say anything other than sprint they’ll make me disappear32: Athlete: Usain Bolt is pretty cool31: Actor: I like Michael Fassbender lately, RDJ is also cool, this is a hard question30: Actress: this is a harder question I’ll just say betty white  29: Singer: probably Damien Verrett of The Speed of Sound in Seawater/So Much Light, or Sean Bonnette of AJJ28: Band: AJJ27: Clothing store: do thrift stores count26: Grocery store: i dunno i guess the one up the street25: TV show: Over The Garden Wall maybe24: Movie: I dunno, uh, I like Kung Fu Hustle a lot23: Website: the internet was a mistake22: Animal: cats, or crows21: Theme park: I don’t uh, I haven’t20: Holiday: Christmas or Halloween 19: Sport to watch: combat juggling18: Sport to play: does catch count17: Magazine: I dunno, national geographic or something16: Book: there’s too many I can’t answer this15: Day of the week: saturday I guess14: Beach: Caspar13: Concert attended: Golden Youth I think, is one that I went to, with my friend? its the only one I really remember, I don’t go to concerts really, I went to an Earth Wind and Fire concert as a little kid too I guess12: Thing to cook: Top Ramen is the height of my abilities11: Food: I dunno, pizza or something, whatever’s hip with the kids, no wait, sushi10: Restaurant: Ikkyu9: Radio station: whatever it is my mom listens to, classic rock?8: Yankee candle scent: I don’t know candle scent names so I’ll just come up with one; “Civilian Casualties”7: Perfume: uh, I don’t know perfume names so I’ll just come up with one “I never heard from her again”6: Flower: Uh, I like most of them5: Color: Blue, also I really like, oranges/reds in nature, like leaves, and hair, and stuff like that4: Talk show host: Eric Andre, but if we mean like actual talk shows, then Conan I guess3: Comedian: Dave Chappelle 2: Dog breed: I like many, maybe german shepards or border collies I dunno1: Did you answer all these truthfully? More or lessfuck you nick this took like 2 hours

[ncmagroup]

by  Sean M. Wood

The COVID-19 pandemic may be the single greatest defining event for local print publications reshaping distribution, advertising, staffing, and community engagement. Unfortunately, for a number of local dailies, alternatives, weeklies, and free publications, the pandemic could be an extinction-level event.

Local publications have been slashing staff, cutting print frequency, and reducing pay to bring down top-line costs as advertising revenue has plummeted as much as 60 percent as shelter-in-place orders went into effect. But the lockdown has people clamoring for local information. Traffic to newspaper websites has been up by triple digits with readers wanting to know about things like infection counts, COVID-19 deaths, where to get tested, and what’s open.

“This is the perfect example of ‘all news is local,’” said Jed Williams, chief strategy officer for the Local Media Association. “We all need to be very much in touch with what’s going on around us.”

Williams was one of the first of a series of media industry experts and executives to join E&P publisher Mike Blinder on the E&P Reports podcasts to talk about COVID-19’s effect on the industry, resources available, and what happens next.

The print news industry was already struggling in a number of markets. Debt-laden hedge funds had been slashing staff and cutting print frequency to reduce costs long before COVID-19 started its lethal spread. Also, local and family-owned outlets have been coping with dwindling advertising dollars and shrinking circulation. The virus just accelerated things.

“What we see is this: If you are getting decimated on advertising but advertising is only 30 percent of your revenue model, this really hurts but it’s not an extinction-level event,” said Earl Wilkinson, CEO of the International News Media Association. “If your model is 70 percent advertising but your advertising is down 30 to 40 percent, this is an extinction-level event.”

The Facebook Journalism Project tried to stanch the bleeding with up to $1 million in grants for local U.S. and Canadian news organizations covering the coronavirus. The Lenfest Institute for Journalism and the Local Media Association distributed the funds in $5,000 parcels as grants.

“We’ve got a huge crisis in front of us, right now,” Williams said. “We have to serve the information needs of communities more effectively and with greater speed and clarity than ever, but we have news organizations that are resource-strapped, that are time-starved. We’re not looking three years out. We’re not looking three months out. What can we do to put money, to put resources into the hands of these news organizations?”

Changing Perceptions

At the same time, news organizations were doing whatever they could to stay afloat, the demand for their product was reaching unprecedented levels. Wilkinson had reports from his membership of website traffic spikes of 40 percent to 115 percent. Publications in Europe were reporting increases of up to 100 percent online subscriptions. Domestically it was closer to 15 percent, according to Wilkinson who spoke to Blinder on E&P Reports on March 23.

“We believe the difference is most European publishers are not opening their paywalls to COVID-19 coverage and most North Americans are,” he said. “Let’s see if that theory holds true in the next seven to 10 days. Once we right-size our workplaces, once we know what our priorities are, we know what our business models are, we’re going to settle into a new normal. That’s when a number of publishers are going to start adjusting their paywalls up or down.”

Wilkinson said the pandemic was also a chance for publications to change how they are viewed in their communities. He called it a “trust moment.”

“It’s an opportunity to right any wrongs or misperceptions about what we do,” he said. “Not just an opportunity on the content side but in relationship building, on the (business) to (consumer) side. To be that connective tissue. What if on the other side of this, a customer can point the finger at you and say, ‘You were the savior of my business.’”

Several guests on E&P Reports talked about opportunities on the advertising side for local sales teams to strike up relationships, create new opportunities, or be a resource for a business struggling during the pandemic.

“People need guidance and they need help,” said Gordon Borrell, CEO of Borrell Associates. “We’re finding phenomenal response rates from advertisers. They’re looking at you to help them. They’re feeling it. First, you have to empathize with them. Then give them ideas. Everybody needs a leader right now so, be a leader.”

Mike Beatty, president of APG Media, described how the newspaper publishing group has given away more than 1,200 print ads—65 percent of those are new customers—to small and medium businesses. The ads are a way for the publications to show their support and hopefully generate some revenue.

In the second phase of the “stimulus package” is an offer to advertise and the publishers will match dollar for dollar any ad spend over $500 up to $1,000.

“We have almost 150 to 160 advertisers that are taking us up on the stimulus offer,” Beatty said. “We let them know we’re here to help and we’re all in this together.” He expects to continue the program into September.

On the content side, America’s Newspapers rolled out a public service campaign called “Newspapers Have Your Back.” It is a series of ads and social media posts that publications and the public can use to promote the important role newspapers play in the community. The ads feature the front-line workers—health care, public safety, grocery—who have been combatting the coronavirus and keeping essential services running.

“Newspapers have had an interesting relationship with their communities,” said America’s Newspapers CEO Dean Ridings. “They serve a public interest role. I think most publishers understand that. They understand the need to provide their communities with information of value and they take that role as seriously as they do making money. You have to make money in a business to survive. But we also have that public-serving role. And I think we are being less afraid to say, ‘We are doing this for you. We need your help.’”

Alternatives and Free Publications

These properties may have been the hardest hit by the pandemic. Their distribution channels have been upended with restaurants, bars, and live music venues shuttered in an effort to stop the spread of the virus. Those outlets were also a mainstay of advertising for the alternative publications so that well of revenue has run dry. Additionally, the events these publications created as a new stream of revenue have been postponed or canceled until further notice.

“These are incredibly dedicated people with an interesting business model but the wrong business model for this point in COVID spring,” said news industry analyst Ken Doctor. “Eighty percent or so of their advertising is just gone. A big problem with the alternative weeklies is they are totally exposed to advertising. They are moving to events which are another form of advertising and their weakness as a business has exposed them.”

Across the country, alternative publications have furloughed staff, cut salaries, and done what they could to control costs while still trying to fill their role of providing in-depth coverage beyond the daily deadlines.

“We’re used to living on the edges,” said John Heaston, president of the Association of Alternative Newsmedia and publisher of The Reader, the alternative publication in Omaha, Neb. “You have an industry that has hung together through thick and thin. We punch way above our weight.”

Heaston said alternatives have been launching membership programs with relatively strong results. “There’s a small cohort that’s been measuring their progress of memberships and we’re seeing returns converting registered users to paid at five to 10 times the rate of what the Google Initiative Lab reported last fall,” he said. “These are people stepping up to support local journalism.”

Several free publications—not just alternatives—have been exploring new distribution channels, according to Loren Colburn, executive director of the Association of Free Community Publications. Grocery stores and gas stations have replaced the bars and restaurants. Some members, Colburn said, have been working with advertisers to include their publications in food deliveries.

“It’s community supporting community,” he explained. “The advertisers need to get in front of people.”

All the free publications that are still viable are promoting their online presence, which is a far cry from the last eight years when only about 30 percent to 40 percent were online, he said.

“I see them emphasizing that more than they’ve ever done,” Colburn said. “I don’t think the publication you see going into this is going to be exactly the same as the one that comes out of this. That’s probably to the good. It will make them leaner and meaner.”

In the Future

There will be an end to the pandemic. The big question is what will the industry look like when that happens? Professionals who have been cut to save costs should be working on their professional development, updating their resume, and reviewing their skills for when the job market opens again, according to Laurie Kahn, president, and CEO of Media Staffing Network.

Those outlets that did the cutting—and may have more cuts to make—need to handle people as kindly as possible, helping them to get on their feet, offering a stipend for job-hunting, and being kind in this worrying time.

“The better they treat their employees when they lay people off, the better they’re going to be when they start hiring,” Kahn said.

Doctors predict a dramatically different landscape as publications reduce their print frequency, maintain their staffing limits, and possibly look at whether to maintain their real estate presence in the communities. What will be more important, he said, is creating personal connections to the communities that are being covered.

“It’s about the publisher being out in the community,” he said. “They have to have that community role, not only in the community but out with advertisers. It’s not just a sales call, but a relationship built over time. What we’ve seen is most chains have regional publishers in charge of four or five cities spread over 100 miles, 200 miles, or 300 miles. You need to really have the publisher out there representing the paper in the community and with those businesses. Newspapers have slit their own throats in these communities because they’re not involved.”

The greatest potential change will not be frequency or staff size. It will be in how local publications cover the societal changes that are bound to come out of the pandemic.

“Universal childcare, student debt, universal health care, income equity, and all of these issues that have been on the fringes may come to the fore,” Doctor said. “The local media companies, they need to adequately cover the news and issues of their times which may be changing. They also need to provide leadership. It doesn’t mean saying, ‘Here’s what we’re going to do, and here are the solutions.’ But take roles like the publishers. We can confront these issues. I think we’ve got to take a wider lens and look at the changing society. The news forces are no more diverse than they were 10 years ago. It’s basic journalism and how it gets done. It’s quite a challenge and we need people who are willing to take on that challenge.”

    Go to our website:   www.ncmalliance.com

    Media Leaders Weigh In on Where the Industry Will Head After COVID-19 by  Sean M. Wood The COVID-19 pandemic may be the single greatest defining event for local print publications reshaping distribution, advertising, staffing, and community engagement.

[bsuorez]

I hate you at the airport

I hate you at the airport. I hate you at the airport, parents traveling with toddler. If I'm in line at the grocery store, or stuck in traffic next to your back seat windows, or just wandering about, I am mildly delighted by your child. How they see everything as new and exciting and amazing - grocery checkout conveyor belts, automatic doors, the changing digital billboards. I will pull funny faces and make myself look generally stupid, just to see if I can get your kid to giggle. But when we are at the airport, I hate you. You are tired and so is your child, and you all shuffle your feet lifelessly. You move only as fast as the slowest member of your group - and since you are tired and have your hands full of luggage, that means your toddler is the one setting the pace for your journey. You always manage to expand, like insulation foam, at pinch points in corridors or high traffic areas. Your massive luggage mountain means I can't see around you, which gives me a 50% chance of walking right into an Asian businessman. I hate you at the airport, Asian businessman. Normally if I interact with you, in the non travel world, I enjoy your softer voice and easy manner. We have a shared preference for calm, in general. I can explain things to you, if we're interacting in a professional manner, and we can get things done. If it's social or just passing, the polite smiles we both don are enough. But I hate you at the airport. You are always on the phone, sounding busy, while zipping around all of the foot traffic with your wheeled luggage. Don't misunderstand - I get the need to get away from the mass of travelers, and I get it when you're in a hurry. But to find the path of least resistance, you zigzag across all walking spaces with no notice and no apparent care, leaving others to pull up suddenly short or risk being run right over by the aforementioned luggage. I have run into so many of you because of this, and I don't always want to apologize. I hate you at the airport, school sports team. In the regular world, what with me having no interest in almost all sports, and no longer being in school, I rarely if ever see you. I'll occasionally buy a candy bar off your younger members, or give your older ones a $5 tip after they haphazardly wash my car to raise funds for a trip. And then you go on that trip, school sports team. And I hate you. You are all in matching outfits, and you are a clump. More than parents with toddler, even. I do not know, but strongly suspect, that your matching outfits have some invisible force field that limits how far apart the given members can be. You insist on going through security as one - invariably in the same line as I was just waved over to. You order your food at the concourse fast food joints as one. Fifteen hamburgers, three ten count chicken nuggets, fifteen fries. All I want is a glass of iced tea. When I go to escape into a Hudson News, that bastion of solace when your world consists of airports, you are all in there, huddled around the same drink fridge and display of tired travel pillows. I am happy that you got to take your trip - whether you went for fun or competition. But just know, I am silently seething and half wishing that this will be the last trip your team ever goes on, because I hate you so much. I hate you at the airport, teenage girls. In my day to day life, I interact with a few of you somewhat regularly. I even remember what it was like to be a teenage girl, for despite my gray hair and apparent apathy, there was a time when I was young and felt things. But your surliness towards your parents/chaperones/hated overlords, and your deliberate slowness in complying with instructions, especially at TSA when you have to put your phone down and take off your shoes, is slowing me down. And I no longer have all day to be moody and angry at the world for existing. I have things to do. Stop taking selfies and checking messages after immediately clearing the TSA line and get out of the way. I hope your phone drops and shatters and you don't get a new one ever. I hate you at the airport, elderly couple. In day to day life, you give me hope and remind me love can be with us for a very long time. You are what I secretly dream of being when I grow old, and it's rare that I see one of your kind and don't smile. But at the airport I have only aggravated sighs. You shuffle everywhere, holding hands and somehow only barely holding on to your luggage. If you have unbowed your pride enough to ask for help, you are either in a noisy cart which makes me nervous, or being pushed, and I dread the boarding delays if you are on my flight. You're old - you're supposed to get to make people come to you. I hate you at the airport, military service members. You are, most likely, a good person, and when I see you outside of airports ... okay, you still make me sad and nervous. I don't like how many truly young faces I see, and I don't like how some of you are doing this for some slim chance of advancing. Not because I don't want you to advance, but because I think it's so wrong that you are told to risk your life in a very real way for that chance. When your family and loved ones are hugging you goodbye and crying, it hurts me inside. It also shames me, because I've never sacrificed or been asked to sacrifice as you have. I hope you come home okay, but not in an airport I am flying through, or else I will spend ten minutes having a private sobbing session in the bathroom after I see your reunion - or your disappointment when it's just one person to pick you up. Hardly the hero's welcome you deserve. I hate you at the airport, first time visitors to this town. If I'm at a restaurant, or the gas station, and you ask questions, I'm happy to give you directions, tell you some hidden sight you must see, a restaurant that's a hidden treasure you have to check out. But at the airport, you constantly stop right in front of me, looking for something or just waiting for your group to catch up or taking pictures to post of your arrival in wherever it is we've all landed. I see smartphones lifted and I dive for cover, not wanting to be the weird stranger with the sour face in the background of your photos. Go be tourists and take pictures and travel and laugh - just not at the airport. I hate you at the airport, TSA workers. I know you're just doing a job, and that it's needful. If you're out in the regular world we probably get along just fine. You're the lady behind me at the grocery store checkout as we exchange "oh brother" glances about the person asking for price checks on everything in their cart. You're the guy who gives a general nod and brief smile of acknowledgement when we're filling up our cars side by side at the gas station. But at the airport, you are one more delay, one more frustration, for me to overcome. But most of all, I hate you at the airport, Rebecca Suorez. You've become so jaded by travel and flying that you never appreciate how amazing it is that we can take to the sky like birds, how travel time has been cut from days, weeks, and sometimes months down to mere hours, depending on where you are and where you want to go. You are so caught up with catching the next flight, doing the next thing, that you walk past beautiful murals, collections of art, and sometimes lovely views, just getting to the next place. You've lost your sense of contentment, and maybe your ability to find joy in small things. You panic because the crowds are so present and overwhelming. You don't talk to anyone or smile. You put in your earbuds on the plane right away, because you no longer see the point in - and sometimes, just don't have the energy for - engaging in conversations with strangers you won't see again. You can watch fireworks for hours in delight, spend hours in an old bookstore or toy shop, drag people off on a wild chase around the area to find something interesting. And yet you stand in one of many interconnected hubs where millions of stories are being told, and you turn up your podcasts to drown out the sounds of anything else. I hate me at the airport.