#most of what I say just goes into the void and... honestly... I don't think the void stares back... I think it's just me; empty; alone

[medicinemane]

Well, I seem to have gotten my minecart system working. No lost carts this time

Just... slowed the whole system way way way down, after a lot of research the best answer seems to be that too many carts too quick overwhelms the hopper, and taking a closer look as I was dismantling things showed me that the observer was managing to send two pulses

So I added my go to comparator decay clock and then with a little work put a falling edge monostable circuit (ie a piston with an observer on it that triggers nothing when pushed but something when pulled back), so basically it's extended when the signal is decaying and only goes off once the signal dies... double pulse from the observer just extends the timer

Still reasonably depressed. I've said it before, I'm just brittle at this point. It's not like some stupid cart system in minecraft is making me want to die... I'm just fucking tired of living, so guess what? This just adds to the list of reasons to fuck off

Nothing I do matters. This doesn't matter in the slightest. I build it more compulsively than with any purpose

I want to finish that mountain base (which is still probably a few years off at least at this pace), and I just kinda want to finish it cause I want to finish it... but can you honestly say that once it's all said and done, that I won't just pass it to my friend who I play with, and then in like 20 years when I'm dead it won't fall victim to digital decay without anyone even having seen it?

Like be honest for a minute, it's not gonna stop me working on it, but be honest and ask yourself... will anyone besides one other person even see it?

I don't need a million fans or something, I'd just like some of the shit I do to matter or last a bit... and nothing does

Tell me a single thing I've done that actually has some kind of meaningful impact... or anything that I'll ever do

[rainee-da]

🍀 Your First "I Love You" [2]

CHARACTER ❥ Delisaster 🍾 / Domina Blowelive 💧 / Cell War 💎

W A R N I N G ⚠️ PG-13 fluff with hurt/comfort on some / BIG SPOILER!!!! / might be too OOC for you.

D E L I S A S T E R 🪞

He was simply lounging around, stuffing himself with booze (rip that liver) when you suddenly come into the room.

At first, he didn't pay any mind to it. He gave you one of his toothy smiles as he leaned back on the chair lazily, waving a bottle of booze to your face, saying "Eyy sup', want some?"

When you finally say the magic word, he suddenly goes blank.

Not like a 'mind-blank' type of blank, but his face suddenly goes blank. All the shine in his eyes, his smiles, vanish into the void.

Honestly, this will make you feel afraid. Did you anger him? Did he not feel the same?

He suddenly picked up his phone and made a call to someone with a low whispering tone, too low for you to hear anything, and walked away. Leaving you alone with your thoughts.

But before you could think of any worst-case scenarios, a bunch of his goons suddenly barge into the room bringing... party popper???

Delisaster finally comes back being brought in by his goons... on a sedan chair???

At least, you're now relieved because he's now giving you a wide smile. A bit too wide. Scrap that- now you're creeped out.

Before you could ask about what the hell was going on, all of his goons popped the party popper, and a bunch of pink-shaded confetti flew across the room. Good luck seeing anything at all.

As soon as you're able to scrap off any of the confetti that is stuck on your face, you've now realized that the confetti is shaped into a heart. Kinda cute tbh.

And out of nowhere, he's already in front of you. Smiling wide, hugging you tight, laughing maniacally.

"YAHOOOOOOOO YOU SAID THE MAGIC WOOOO-" rip your ears.

All of the goons that surround you are now crying for some damn reason, passing a box of tissues around. Is this a wedding? a funeral??

Finally calming down, Delisaster finally leans back to take a look at your face. Now you can see that his smile is so gentle and he's looking at you oh so fondly.

He's caressing your face as if you're made of glass, and this is the most gentle and affectionate you've ever seen him. Usually, he's a menace to society

"I know I never really made you feel easy around me, especially with my reputation and all... not even my brothers can stand me... I don't even know if I deserve you," his voice breaks slightly as he leans closer your ear, "But you made me the happiest man, and I can never thank you enough for that... I love you too, baby."

... That would be so romantic if only the goons around you aren't screaming an ugly-ass cry, with the sound of snots being sniffed as ambience.

D O M I N A B L O W E L I V E 💧

He chokes on his apple juice, almost snorting liquid through his nose when you suddenly come up to him and say those.

"W-what do you mean??" he stammers with his face now as vibrant as his hair, eyes shaky as they darted around to avoid your gaze. "Do... do you even understand what you're saying? how serious that word is??"

Man is so melodramatic, but you can't blame him. All his life he believes that any form of endearment given to someone means that there is any ulterior motives behind it and things such as 'pure love' is just a thing from a fantasy book.

You are fully aware of his upbringing, so you wouldn't be surprised if he didn't believe you right away.

What you didn't expect though is for him to go into full-teacher mode and info-dumping you about the definition of love.

He deadass mansplaining 'Love' to you by citing sources from dictionaries, biology, and psychology studies.

He's so academically smart and his brain is like a walking dictionary but he's misusing it in such a weird way.

After he's done with his rant explanation that who knows how long it is, he'll avert his gaze from yours. He's panting slightly as he broke in with his question, "Now that you understand, next time don't say those words so easily to someone," he huffed slightly and crossed his arms, "It's not like I've ever done anything to you that warrants something such as that, you know."

Okay, now that understandably pissed you off. So it's now your turn to go on full-tangent on why you love him, what you love about him, how you didn't need him to do anything for you to love him, and about how his view of love is full of shit.

And now it's his turn to be bewildered. Your outburst has effectively overwhelming his heart with warmness that he never felt before in his life.

By the time you're done his face that is previously tinted pink now goes scarlet red. His mouth is agape and shaking slightly like a fish in the open air, and all of the retort he intended to throw is stuck in his throat.

Domina_Blowelive.exe stopped working lol.

"Whatever! You're stupid anyway," is the only counter he could throw back at you, and Gods he hate how weak that ended up coming out from his mouth.

Before you could say anything back to him he already turned his back and stomped away from you, huffing and mumbling profanities.

He's so embarassed that he didn't pay any attention to his path and ended up turning left a bit too early, and slamming his head onto the wall.

If Levis and the gang are around to see that, they'll not be alive for long lol.

You're the only one who could make the top students of the prestigious magic school Walkis Academy turn into a cuckoo mess. Congratulations!

It will take you a while for him to finally believe and accept your feelings. Even so, you didn't need him to say anything to know that he feels the same way.

His journey to recovery is still long ahead, he needs more time to unpack those childhood trauma that led him to become the person that he was. But I swear it will be worth it.

Please be patient with him ♥

C E L L W A R 💎

"What do you want now?" he said as he stared at you with an exhausted look on his face, checking you out to figure out your intention based on body language alone.

Because that's the only reason for his whole existence in this world, right? to give and to serve?

You repeated your confession, and now he stares at you dumbfounded. He narrowed his eyes and exhaled in frustration as he ruffled your hair slightly.

"Don't say such a useless thing next time. It's a burden."

Yeouwch that comes out wrong doesn't it?

Even though what he means by that is that it is useless for YOU to love HIM, and it will only burden YOU to love HIM.

But what do you expect? he survives his whole life in the attendance of Innocent Zero's deranged family by belittling himself down, doing all the nuisance and humiliating tasks to stroke Innocent Zero's children's ego. what a bunch of manchild.

Being negative and blunt comes as a second nature to him.

But then again, now you're hurt. What makes it worse is that before you can ask him to clarify what he means he's already out of sight, leaving you alone with your thoughts.

He realizes that you seem like you're about to cry before he goes, and he can feel his heart ache to see you making that expression. Then again, what he said is not exactly wrong, right?

He's only realized what he did when Delisaster waltzing to him out of nowhere, whistling towards him and teasing him about "being so cold to your booboo."

He can feel his soul draining out of his body as he listens to Delisaster's explanation that is filled with a bunch of degrading mockery because let me remind you again he's a menace.

Delisaster finally saunters off somewhere else. Cell takes this short amount of time to his advantage and goes hell-bent on finding you.

The maid and butler that come past him are confused because they never see Cell that mortified.

Upon finding you, he wastes no time and lunges towards you on instinct, effectively tackling you to the ground as if he's a bounty hunter. But he made sure to hug your head before it slammed to the ground, burying it in his chest.

His mind goes blank at the sudden closeness and now he has no games. Honestly, he didn't know what to say either even if his mind did not go blank. Man really had no games.

But he still tries his best, like he always does. He leans back slightly while still pining you down, staring at you with eyes wavering, a mixture of anxiousness and affection.

"I... just realized I worded it wrongly before..." he stated hesitantly as a start as he proceeded to explain his thought process, "Honestly, I don't know if I should even be indulging in these feelings... I have my master to serve, and I'm afraid you will get hurt if he finds out."

His mouth clumsily formed into a thin smile, his hand reaches towards your hair, twirling it on his finger and taking a mental note of how soft it was, "But, to answer yours... I feel the same, and always has been."

The smile that grows on your face makes his world stop for a moment. Stunning him into silence as he stares into your eyes that is full of life and affection. His mind then wanders, imagining things that a tool like him should have no right to dream of.

'Wouldn't it be so nice... if I could live a normal life with you?'

This is the continuation of this headcanon! I initially intended for this to be included in the previous post but alas; I hit a roadblock lolol-

I've been thinking back and forth between adding Cell War or not. But I didn't care what anyone say; Cell War is part of the family too! I want to make hcs this angsty boi so much

I'll be ending this prompt right here and move on to the next one I had in mind (I'm currently in Mash's brother hyper-fixation phases and will be writing tons of them in the future lol). If you want me to write for other character feel free to request one as long as the ask is open!

Thank you for reading!🍀

[degloved]

call it coffinshipper delusion I DON'T CARE but the amount of love that can fit into mark hoffman genuinely drives me Fucking Insane. maybe that's not the right way of putting it—call it the potential for love, maybe, or the unrealized capacity for love. you get the picture.

not to say he's able to divvy it up—in fact, a major part of his character is that he... really can't. it's always only reserved for one person, the most obvious example of this being angelina. and he's lost without the ability to beam it into somebody, to let it out of himself like the proverbial burden off his shoulders. having lost angelina, he's so desperately seeking out somebody else to direct it at. rigg, strahm.

except the thing about my boy mark is that he's about as subtle as a brick & like the most tactless man alive at any given moment. for all that he's capable of experiencing eartshattering amounts of love and the even more devastating need to Be Loved and Be Understood, the way he goes about trying to deliver it isn't the most normal. it's actually pretty unhinged. it actively pushes his targets away, obviously. and that's just the tragedy of it, i think. he's desperately clawing at any opportunity to escape this oppressive loneliness that he Can't Handle & that eats away at him on the inside, but he's always just a little out of reach. he always goes about it just a little wrong (or. a lot wrong)—and it just makes me. it makes me feel CRAZY i feel so crazy right now mark please mark just. relax babe just take a deep breath and ask him out on a date instead of putting him through a series of elaborate tests that will either kill him or make him hate you. PLEASE mark what happened to a dinner & a movie

and with peter it's like. i've said this already once. bro does not think love is in the cards for him. there is something Deeply Wrong With Him & he figures it just makes love surpass him. it's not even the gay thing like it's nottt an internalized homophobia thing at all. he's literally just so. yeah. bro thinks he was made wrong (<- op isn't projecting here at all btw) & he's ok with that. when hoffman shows up & The Obsession sprouts from bad soil, peter doesn't even See it's love. and maybe it's not, honestly, but it could be. it Could Be. the suggestion of love is there. he's just. he is so blinded by his own deep-rooted beliefs of his own Wrongness that he doesn't even see it. it's right there but he doesn't see it. he doesn't only Not See it, he misinterprets it as hate. hate and love being two sides of the same coin i suppose. because it can't be love—and there's the kicker, i guess; it can't be love, not because It's Mark Hoffman, it can't be love because it's PETER!! hoffman reeks of could-be love wherever he goes, peter is the one void of it (or so he thinks.) cups peter's face and presses our forehead together. babe it's ok. it's ok. you love with claws and teeth etc it's ok. there is Something Deeply Wrong with you that is also Deeply Wrong with mark hoffman

[nikeiyomiurioverthinker]

Nikei Yomiuri has BPD: the masterpost

So I've been formally requested to make a post on why I believe Nikei has BPD- so strap in, folks, this is gonna be a long one.

I want to preface this with, I am in no way a mental health expert, I am in no way qualified to actually diagnose anyone with anything, but I am a weirdo who likes to read the DSM-5 for kicks who also happens to think about Nikei Yomiuri a lot. Everything I say needs to be taken with a grain of salt, yadda yadda yadda, you know how that all goes.

TW for discussions of sui, CSA and SH. I am not planning to discuss any of these topics in depth (except for the first one, due to just. Nikei being Nikei), but if the topics distress you in any way, I would advise simply not reading this. Look after yourself.

So, firstly, I would like to discuss how BPD develops. Though there are many possible causes, such as genetics, affecting the on-set of BPD symptoms, one of the most common causes is childhood abuse, especially CSA. We currently do not yet know Nikei's backstory and how he was 'saved' by Utsuro, but it is commonly believed that it had to do with CSA. It both explains some of his behaviors- the weird hypersexual tendencies and his extremely negative reaction to being touched by Mikado from behind, for example- and 'fits', so to speak, Void's tendency in everyone there suffering some sort of child abuse. This is mostly to explain how Nikei fits the common parameters of someone in whom BPD could develop.

Now, as for the diagnostic criteria: the DSM-5 dictates there are 9 major symptoms of BPD, and in order to qualify, the patient needs to fulfill at least 5.

Before I go over which of the symptoms he fulfills, I want to start with stating that Nikei is a particularly hard character to get a read on, mostly due to him faking his personality for the greatest majority of the game, and though I do not believe everything about him that we see is 100% fake at all times, it would be presumptuous of me to discern what I personally believe to be real or not. Therefore, I will keep myself limited to:

His actions throughout the game (plus the ones he made from behind the scenes and also what he did before the actual happenings of the game)

Nikei's bouts of anger (which he is shown to be physically unable to control)

Chapter 6's Void Theatre (since Linuj has stated that Nikei was being truthful in it and was thus is 'real self')

Talking about his anger… symptom number 1, "Inappropriate, intense anger that can be difficult to control" and symptom number 2, "Rapidly shifting intense emotional dysregulation". I don't think I need to go too in-depth when talking about how he fits these symptoms. If you have played the game, you know Nikei is shown to turn easily aggressive in ways he seems unable to control. I think the scene that highlights that the most is the one in chapter 4 while everyone is in Nikei's room- right after Mikado leaves. Nikei is unable to calm himself down, and has to cut short the meeting due to his inability to regulate his emotions properly. Honestly, Nikei in the fourth trial could also be used as an example for this.

Symptom number 3, "Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment". The man's gut reaction to Emma, Hajime and Iroha 'leaving' him was to come up with a plan to fuck over the man who took them away from him. It's actually a little hard to express myself in-depth on these first points, because I feel as though it would just be me repeating the game's plot points or just. Describing his character, rather than adding anything new to the discussion… of course, it's also pretty obvious that Nikei has extremely unstable relationships (again, Void), so he fits the fourth symptom as well, "Unstable and chaotic interpersonal relationships, often characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation, also known as "splitting" ". He doesn't necessarily 'split' on anyone in game, unless you count the fact that he can go from developing a crush on Sora to hating her guts in chapter 4, though in that case, his sudden hatred is more than understandable, considering the context- but I have to stress, it is almost impossible for us to know how Nikei feels about people in general, since most of his relationships are technically developed off-camera. As I am talking about Nikei's relationships, I feel like it would be a disservice to this 'theory' to not bring up this specific answer to a question that Linuj himself gave:

Nikei is not healthy with his interpersonal relationships. While this comment is strictly about romantic relationships, it is not a stretch to say that he gets obsessive about others in general- ergo, his relationships are unstable by definition.

Our fifth symptom is "Markedly disturbed sense of identity and distorted self-image"- one of his most obvious characteristics as a person is his inferiority complex, which feeds into his desire for power. To this, we can also add his struggle with his own self-worth. We don't know why exactly Nikei idolizes his hand as of yet, but it doesn't take an expert to realize that no matter the reason, his obsession with it doesn't exactly give us the impression his self-image is in any way stable.

Theoretically, I could stop here, since to be diagnosed you only need to fulfill 5 symptoms, but I am an overachiever to a fault so I'm gonna go on.

Symptom number 6, "Impulsive or reckless behaviors (e.g., uncontrollable spending, unsafe sex, substance use disorders, reckless driving, binge eating)". Now this might be weird to some of you, since Nikei doesn't really show any of these behaviors in game (again, not counting personal headcanons for this, so even if I do believe Nikei is definitely a reckless driver, I can't exactly say that counts since it is 100% based on vibes) but these are all just examples of reckless behaviors- Nikei has just significantly more personalized ones. Like, say, participating in a killing game of his own free will, or using an actual stun gun on himself rather than just pretending to be unconscious, or randomly changing key details of the plan he made supposedly months prior on the fly (ie adding Teruya to the mix when his spot was originally supposed to be taken by Syobai). Assuming Nikei has BPD actually makes chapter 4 make more sense.

"Recurrent suicidal ideation or self harm"- this is the last symptom I am going to talk about, and the primary reason for the TW at the start. This is probably gonna be somewhat headcanon-y, and if anyone wants to disregard that as such I cannot exactly fault them for it, but hear me out: Nikei's plan counts as a suicide plan. Nikei is not an idiot- he would have known that, no matter how it ended up going, if he failed or not, Nikei was gonna die either way- if his plan worked and Yuki was executed, Mikado would have retaliated and killed him in revenge; if his plan worked and Yuki got away with it, he would have died in the mass execution; and if, how it happened in canon, he failed he would have been killed, too (Mikado may have said that he would have forgiven Nikei if he returned back to Void, but let's be real here- that was a bold faced lie. He was just gloating). This plan would have ended up with him dead no matter what, and he was okay with it- which I don't need to tell you, is not exactly something someone who has never considered suicide before would do.

(Also random thought that I probably wouldn't be able to fit in another post- Nikei's execution itself is fairly odd, in the sense that he was ultimately the one who killed himself. He was the one that ran up the stairs, he was the one that jumped off the building, he was the one that failed to catch the ladder- hell, jumping off a building is a pretty common suicide method. His death is unique in the sense that he brought it all to himself- he was the only executee that wasn't tied down in any way, all his actions were truly his choice. He didn't need to run away from the Monocrows, but he did. He didn't need to go up the stairs instead of down, but he did. He didn't need to jump, but he did.)

The last two symptoms are:

Chronic feelings of emptiness

Transient, stress-related paranoid or severe dissociative symptoms

Which I don't think I can apply to Nikei in good conscience, since it's pretty hard to discern how that man is feeling at all times (other than, well, when he is raging). That would wound up being wayyy too headcanon-y for even me to excuse. Like, do I believe he is depressed? Absolutely. Do I believe he has PTSD? Certainly, but I can't point to any exact action he takes in game and point to it to say that he is 100% depressed. It's mostly just vibes. And again, I don't really need to? I have already given ample evidence as to why I believe Nikei has BPD, even without these last two symptoms.

(I mean, I COULD prove that Nikei has PTSD- if we consider his more than likely sexual trauma and his reaction to him being grabbed by Mikado specifically, someone who he considers to be a threat- that certainly feels like PTSD to me. Even without that, I genuinely doubt anyone that lived through the Tragedy DOESN'T have PTSD. Anyway I am losing track of the post here-)

I don't exactly know how to end this, but yeah! That's about it. Nikei has BPD, thanks for coming to my TedTalk.

[sage-lights]

This is so random, but hearing Shayne talk about Sword AF in the Smosh After Dark Q&A gave me a sense of closure. I'd already accepted that they weren't gonna do a season 3, but to hear him sort of confirm what I was thinking happened (that it was a lot work and time and too little return on investment, despite the fact that they loved doing it), I feel ready to leave the charred remains of my beloved piece of media buried in the ground.

I think BAF Legacy was able to have a proper send-off because the story was already written by somebody else and it had a definite ending with an already expected finite number of episodes, whereas Sword AF didn't really have an end in sight so the series fizzling out was sort of inevitable. I'm sad about it, but at the end of the day, I still get to see Shayne, Chanse, Damien, Amanda, and Angela work together and as fans we get to experience how BAF Legacy and Sword AF shifted all 5 of their relationships to one another to a cozier, sweeter space y'know? (I'm thinking specifically of Shayne and Angela becoming one of my favorite duos ever through Sword AF)

Like, BAF Legacy is where I first saw that Amanda and Shayne really clicked and it's what made me so excited when I saw that they were hosting Smosh Mouth together! To this day, the 5 of them- all together, give or take other cast members- is my personal favorite lineup. I loved the series so much so I WANT there to be something more dramatic and final (?) to its end than it just not being a sustainable series to produce, but sometimes that's all there is.

I am not ready to watch Smosh vs. Zombies yet, but I've seen what people say online, and I already know that Amanda and Courtney have a queer-coded codependent friendship thing going on and I will absolutely eat it up I love Courtmanda and I ADORE wlw pining. COURTMANDA WLW PINING? I won!! Sorry that was such a long message!!!! TLDR: I loved Sword AF but it's gone and that's okay. I ship courtmanda.

hi anon! thank you for coming to my inbox and chatting 🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️ (under the cut are my thoughts because it gets LONG)

i said a lot of my own thoughts in the tags of this reblog, but i think that beyond saf taking a lot of effort without a lot of return, i don't think enough people were really batting for it. i know amanda's talked about loving it, angela and chanse play dnd in their own time, shayne always wanted to get into dnd, and damien is obviously the one with the most passion as the dm. but when push comes to shove, i think the cast rather put their time into things like bit city because it's closer to that kind of true improv that they love.

characters i think also contributed to the longevity of shows. baf legacy let them change character every episode, but saf leaves them "stuck" in the same character for seasons on end. reoccurring characters at smosh are never as serious as the saf characters and maybe the cast just didn't vibe with it as much?

you should def give smosh vs zombies a watch when you come around to it. though i love long ttrpg series, it seems like a good middle ground between fans of ttrpg and what smosh likes to do. and yes, the courtmanda/gracevannah goes HARD!!! i adore them!!!!

if you poke around my blog, you see i started to post a lot about d20 and dropout recently. that's honestly just me filling the void that saf left behind and it's working! hoping that one day a smosh cast member will end up in the dome! that would make my little ttrpg heart soooooo happy!

[thatswhatsushesaid]

do you think NHS will ever be satisfied with the way things have turned out in the end? or is he already? I've seen polar opinions on this one and honestly can't decide which one I like more

oooh, what crunchy questions, anon.

short answer: I think he thinks he's satisfied.

the tl;dr answer: I don't think it's possible for us to know with any degree of certainty how nhs feels about anything post-canon, because the text gives us almost no insight into his interiority outside of wwx's speculation in the aftermath of the guanyin temple sequence. but I think we can make some educated guesses based on what we do know about his character.

rather than just rewrite stuff I've already written on this subject before, I'll drop some links to previous posts that I think are relevant to your ask:

nhs took so long to enact his revenge quest because he could not make up his mind about what he wanted to do. also this one, which includes discussion of his cql performance as well. indecisiveness is as core to nhs's character as his desire for vengeance, and I think that extends to his feelings about his situation post-canon, too.

this is definitely more within the realm of headcanon and speculation but I went deep on this the magnus archives-mdzs fusion reblog speculating on why I think nhs would be an avatar of the hunt, and a big thing about the hunt is that once the hunt is over, the hunters... don't really know what to do with themselves. womp womp.

now on to the point I don't think I've spilt much digital ink on yet:

nhs is, and always has been, a people person. this is extremely obvious when you dip back into the gusu lan summer camp for wayward young cultivators chapters, where nhs is at his most effervescent when he is bopping around the cloud recesses as wwx and jc's bubbly tag-along, lamenting how much lwj and lqr clearly hate wwx while cheerfully offering to give wwx more porn to make up for what he's lost. (it was nhs's porn, too! he'd be justified in being a bit cheesed off about it, but he really isn't!) if he sees a didi-shaped hole in a prospective friends' group, he sees an opportunity to make himself lovably indispensable as the court appointed littlest brother no one asked for, and quite frankly who could blame him? he loves to be spoiled and doted on, but imo there's some clear self-awareness and reciprocity at work in these dynamics that goes beyond a desire just to be pampered and looked after. I suppose an uncharitable read on teen!nhs would be that he's lazy and manipulative and finds easy marks to do the heavy lifting for him so he can sleep and paint and catch birds for his private collection, but tbh I think that interpretation does his character dirty. most people who end up spoiling and doting on nhs in the text are clearly happy to do so and seem to get something out of making life easier for this charmingly incompetent dandy. good for him--and for them!

...and then, post-canon, he is a people person without any people around him. sure, we can presume the existence of some unnamed nie sect subordinates who are stuck dealing with a sect leader who allowed his sect to languish and decline in the years after nmj's death, but I think if any of those unnamed subordinates were inclined to be people nhs could rely on to fill the 3zun and/or wwx and jc-shaped voids in his life, we'd at least know their names. I think it is telling that we don't, and that the last meaningful interaction we see between nhs and the characters who used to be his closest friends in the text amounts to an interrogation. whatever affection wwx used to feel for nhs has clearly withered on the vine and has been replaced by mistrust and suspicion--to say nothing of lxc's dead-eyed silence as soon as he begins to put the pieces together.

also: the last glimpse we get of nhs in the text before he disappears from the story altogether is him picking up jgy's hat and walking off with it. why does he do this? why is this the very last thing we see him do in the story? there are a few different possibilities:

"he's taking the hat to keep as a trophy!" I mean. maybe? I suppose I can't entirely rule out this possibility, but it is the least interesting one to me because it glosses over the complexity of nhs's pre-existing relationship to jgy.

"nhs doesn't know why he picks up the hat and takes it with him. he just does it." this is the idea I vibe with the most because it is most consistent with my read on his character--namely that he is never 100% sure about anything (except what qualifies as good erotica). but I think the part of him that still cares about jgy (it's there! it's tiny and shrivelled and warped by his transformation into the wuxia version of montresor, but it's still there) does not want to see his hat abandoned in the mud and dirt, and also does not want to interrogate his feelings about why he feels that way that closely.

"nhs can't abide littering! he's doing his part to keep the city streets clean." doubt.jpeg

[danganronpasurvivoraskblog]

Hearing how Kuripa is trying to hunt down ASOOT!Hajime, I just feel given what's going on over DTFA; Nagi might not be able to really say or do much given her mission about her finding Utsuro and holy hell, there was more then she bargain for and I think she'll need some tylenol after that massive headache.

Like girl had to not only deal with Void but also the Kisaragi Foundation and her just having this mental breakdown over not just reforming the Remanats of Despairs, the guy she's interested in accepted a project, having Future Foundation breathing down her neck, her former teacher in a position of power, learning she has Divine Luck, Akane Taira deciding to communicate with her and Oh yeah, having to deal with Void and the Kisaragi Foundation's nonsense...

Yeah, girl's really going through it and just needs to rest but I do think Kuripa and Nagi's interactions would be pretty interesting since they seem like polar opposites where one is all violence while the other is mostly avoiding violence, so that be a rather fun interaction. 8P - Mod Poi

//By the way, this meme applies to both Hajime AND Kyoji for Bubbles, and Kuripa AND Uchui for me.

//Real talk, yeah, I definitely don't talk about Nagi as much as I talk about Hajime and Aliza, but it really is interesting to see how she is kind of the complete antithesis to Kuripa in terms of how they've coped with the pain they've been through.

//Nagi always goes out of her way to help relieve people of their burdens, and I feel in a party of these four MC's, she's the one who manages to remain the most emotionally stable. Meanwhile, Kuripa's way of dealing with his trauma is projecting it through violence, and it drags so many other people down with him.

//Like, you understand his pain and that he's not completely the villain, but he's still a rotten bastard for subjecting people to that.

//From what I know of everyone's blogs aside my own, I do feel like Nagi is the anchor of the trio. When bad things happen to Kuripa and Hajime, they shut themselves out or devolve into an unconscious state of pain if they can't deal with it. Aliza, similarly, while innocent at heart, is not above feeling emotional pain or rage towards people.

//Not to say Nagi doesn't, but the point is she has much more emotional maturity than the other three. Her story literally starts with "Bitch took mah fuckin LEGS!" so she's already come to terms with the idea that crying about it will not make things right.

//Point being that, I genuinely don't see a situation where Nagi could interract with any of the other blog protags and benefit from it. In fact, her conversation with Aliza during Aliza's little post was about NAGI helping HER with her issues.

//It is really...surreal, seeing Nagi have a panic attack, wheras it wouldn't be with the other three. And honestly, it makes me feel a lot of shit, because that's the team mom right there having an emotional breakdown, and it's gutteral.

//Or maybe I'm just talking out of my ass and reading this whole thing wrong. You be the judge.

//Unfortunately, as of late, it seems the stars of depression are aligning, because none of our MC's are doing so hot.

-Mod

[tellywoodtrash]

Hello TT! Hope you are doing well, I lurked in after a really long time so thought would say hello and let you know how much your blog has impacted my life. I started following your blog religiously when I discovered Ishqbaaz, it was almost an obsession how zealously I followed your blog and the show. I was on the cusp of Adulthood, just two years short. All pieces of fiction were merely me trying to escape my horrible home life. I have always indulged in fiction, it has mostly been books tbh but there were times after I had access to a phone when tellywood lured me in. After IB, I just followed you for your wit and boldness. I imagined this is how my elder sister would be if I had one (since I am the elder sibling in the house). You actually hooked me to AryLie as well, and for that I am most grateful since I somehow found a supportive community through AryLie fandom (long story). I know you don't follow tellywood anymore, I too switched to Kdramas and Cdramas over the years. Oh, I also gave Suno Chanda a try; thanks to you and Mais. Absolutely delightful. The thing is I felt my appreciation towards your constant support (even if you weren't aware) should be at least known. You speak for so many girls in this blog of yours, always giving everyone a warm hug to those who need it and a virtual asskicking to who are being jerks. People you follow truly shape you, it's the way I have felt validated by when you spoke what I believed it; it's the way you introduced me to life changing fiction just when I needed it; it's the way you have been present for the last nine years in my life. I have always struggled with suicide ideation but if it has taught me anything; it's to always express the gratitude you are feeling. Life is so unpredictable anyway. I want to be appreciated and appreciate others as well. That's humanity to me. This connection where we truly value each other. Anyway, so sorry for the long ramble. I hope wherever you are, you always stay well, physically healthy and mentally sane. Adieu, my internet sister. I will keep checking in 💌

Oh my heart, I am actually here like........

Just the other day, I'd been thinking wistfully of all the community I felt through this blog, wondering if any of y'all are still even around. This message honestly feels like the universe's answer to that. 🥰🥰🥰

This blog started out as just me shouting into the void about nonsense ITV, but it grew into so much more thanks to you all. I am an only child (and wouldn't have it any other way!) and know nothing of being a sibling, but somehow I felt so fiercely protective of every single person I've talked to through this blog, that idk how, I just became an honorary big sister. It's a badge I wear with utmost honour, even though we don't even know each others' names!

Just know, even if I am not watching Tellywood anymore/super active on this blog, I'm still here on tumblr everyday (it's my safe corner on the internet) and you guys can reach out whenever! Life goes on, interests change, and we grow as people. But this blog and I don't plan on going anywhere, and it'll always be a home for y'all to drop in when you need it. 🏠🏠🏠💖💖💖

PS - I'm proud of you for finding a community of your own, and kicking mental illness's ass on the regular. I'm right there with you (on the suicide ideation) and we're not going down without fighting tooth and nail, sis. There are people out there who we care about, and who care about us, and that's literally alllllll that life is all about, baby!!!!!!!! Go on and live your best life to the fullest, and always remember that this internet big sister of yours is always proud of you. *forehead smoochies*

[parameciam]

time for another one of my deeply personal autistic ramblings, feel free to skip since this one it's a bit heavy and depressing and it's mostly to get this out of my chest. a literal scream to the void. and really personal. and depressing.

so. everyone that follows me already knows I'm a late diagnosed autistic person, right? funny thing it's that because nothing ever goes right because my therapist had several tragedies happening in her personal life at the time, she never sent me the report with the details of my diagnosis xd that was two years ago but now that she's okay, she offered to do several sessions with me + adding several other mental health assessments to what we did in the past (for free, ofc. we've done half of our scheduled sessions)

it's not a surprise that the results are fundamentally that I'm pretty fucked up and need therapy. but it's still hard to have test results that confirm it, and hear a professional tell me that I need to heal a lot of trauma, and confirm that I have rejection sensitive dysphoria, and concerningly high levels of social anxiety, and depression.

and I know I need help, but I also know that I'm absolutely tired. so so so fucking exhausted of trying. and add to that I've never, ever in my life, had that internal drive and motivation to keep going and achieving things, I don't understand (not now and not in the past, probably never in the future either) why people always talks like living is so important and the greatest thing ever, I honestly am here against my will and I just keep going to avoid hurting the people around me.

but I don't have any goals or ambitions, and sometimes I think about it and feel shame. most of the time I barely feel like a human being. I have no idea wtf I'm doing here, and it's like I'm constantly pretending to be human, while actually being, idk, several traumas and a braincell in a trench coat xd

and starting another attempt at therapy would require not only money (that I don't want to use for that, and psychological/psychiatric help is so expensive! and the meds too -_-) but also to delve into so many painful things that I don't want to remove anymore.

I hate that I'm the one that has to gather all the broken pieces to mend myself. I hate how lonely I feel. I hate how much of a failure I feel I am. I hate that there's no actual way to feel better without fighting so many things first.

all I want is to stop feeling this broken and exhausted ;=; and maybe a hug and a pat in the head.

today was the first day of a music festival that my sister invited me to and I wasn't even able to enjoy it. concerts used to make me feel so alive and happy, but I'm feeling more and more like an empty husk these days. it's like I'm barely able to enjoy nice things anymore. and I know that's the depression and burnout.

the only thing that gives me some happiness is writing my silly little fics. my withered soul suddenly blooms when I write my hallucinations xd I keep adding wips to the pile to give my mind a sense of future, I guess. something that's an excuse to be excited about.

ahhh, i'm just rambling at this point. let's close this horrible rant with a song.

it's actually my favorite song ever, probably that says a lot about me ahaha

[k3plar]

↪ I don't post on social media much. I usually go through phases in which I'll post a few times a week, but anxiety about how I'm perceived will lead me to delete them later. I've always feared social interaction, but it's almost scarier interacting online than it is in person. People usually filter themselves in a real life setting, making sure everyone sees them in a certain way, usually a good one. Online however, we have walls we can hide behind. No need for a filter! Whenever I was an avid user of Twitter (It's funny how nobody calls it X) I saw a lot of people being blatantly nasty towards each other. It didn't matter what the post was about, someone always found something to argue about. Thankfully I never experienced any negativity directed towards myself, but I saw a lot of it underneath any post with more than 1000 likes. It really started to mess with my head. Eventually it would make its way over to my page. Are people really this mean when there are no consequences? Certainly not most people I'd like to think. After that I realized I was just on a really bad platform. I mean, I was constantly filling my head with negativity. So, I did the right thing and deactivated my Twitter account. It honestly feels really good to not have to worry about that account anymore. In all honesty I was only on Twitter to keep up appearances. The same goes for my old Instagram account which I also deleted for similar reasons. I did not have a lot of followers, nor did I make any meaningful posts, so it didn't hurt that much to deactivate.

↪ Now, I know I can't escape ALL negativity just by deleting some social media accounts. By limiting the amount of platforms I'm on and being cautious of the people and posts I'm interacting with though, I can at least remedy the situation. So why am I posting here? I basically just said I'm scared of being perceived and I hate social interaction. Really, I do want to be perceived, just by the right people. That's why I'm here. Tumblr (in my opinion) has always had a really great community surrounding it. You see, I've been on and off of Tumblr for most of my teenage years and adult life. Always deactivating but also always coming back. I think I always left because nobody I know is on Tumblr, but I also always came back because nobody I know is on Tumblr. I have a hard time being true to myself in front of people that know me. Here, though, nobody knows me. I'm gonna do and say what I want. This blog is really all about me being me whether or not people are watching.

꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦

Anyway, this seems really dramatic but I'm not really expecting anyone to find this. I'm just spewing into the internet void.

[yennefer-of-vengerbergs]

Rant under the cut, just because i need to get this out of my system 😖Feel free to ignore if you want.

I'm tired. I've tried so much to keep a positive attitude about my writing, trying to improve on my own, trying to appreciate what little notes on here and hits on ao3 I got, but I'm so tired of spending so days or weeks writing and editing something only for it to ultimately flop and be ignored. It's why I took a break from it. But then I decided to start writing again, even trying my hand at a longfic. I was so genuinely excited to start writing it and actually finish and post the first chapter for it. I was so damn hopeful that maybe this time, I'd hear something about it from someone. And it just...fizzled out. No comments. Barely any hits. I appreciate the lone like on here and the single bookmark it got on ao3, but I still feel like shit. It's so discouraging to spend time and effort on something, only for it to - as far as I can tell - go ignored. I have no idea what I'm doing wrong here. Is my writing that bad? Am I just posting at the wrong times? I've tried mornings, I've tried afternoons, early evenings, late nights, nothing works, it's always the same, no feedback, no comments, maybe some hits and likes, but other than that, it just feels like I'm throwing these fics into the void. Don't get me wrong, I'm not expecting to be showered in praise for everything I write by everyone who sees it even in passing, I'm perfectly aware that my writing isn't the best out there, but I'd like to think it's not THAT bad. Still, it goes completely ignored most of the times. I can accept that for my oneshots, they weren't as developed, what with them having a named character, with a specific background and people just won't be familiar with whatever went through my mind for them. But that first chapter of my longfic? I was genuinely proud of it. I have so many ideas for that fic that I wanted to share and talk about. I do want to write down all the stuff I came up with for my oc, I want my writing to improve, I want to develop my oc as much as possible and I want a whole lot more for this fic than for it to just be as dead as it is at the moment. I know it's only the first chapter, and that maybe it can still change if I continue to update it, but I can't help but feel discouraged and sad because of how things started off for it (and just how it's always been for my writing). How am I even supposed to improve anything, if nobody comments or gives any feedback? How am I supposed to know if anyone even likes the ideas I have? And how the hell am I supposed to know if it's even worth writing and sharing it in the first place, if I can't even know if anyone is actually reading it? It's bad enough I have an absolutely thankless job where nobody bothers to say something as basic as good job to me, no they just throw more work towards me, but to start to feel that same (or at least similar) way about something that's a hobby? That's supposed to be my moment of escapism? It sucks. It sucks and I hate it and I don't even know what to do anymore. I just know that I don't like this lack of interaction at all and it makes me feel like shit and today was the worst for it (it's genuinely been on my mind all day and even had me tearing up on and off since I saw the lack of notes and barely any hits and the no comments this morning, that's how bad it's gotten). I honestly wish it didn't affect me this much, but it does.

I don't know. Maybe I should just lower my expectations more than they already were. Maybe I should just quit writing altogether. Or at least stop posting and just keep it for myself. In any case, it's a horrible feeling.

😞

[limomi]

adults only, minors don't interact

we all know that Reo is at the very least ok/good in everything he does, so i'm just literally physically unable to stop thinking how he'd be singing this song for ya...

imagine how yall have sorta singing competition while studying in uni n Reo never gave a damn about it but

so u 2 r really close friends both in love with each other but still not dating cause each of you's afraid to confess. most likely u don't wanna be "one of all that ppl" confessed to him n get rejected n even he'd say yes, he'd definitely do that just not to make u sad? moroever, u 'know' his family won't ever accept u as his partner.

the same time Reo can't believe that you as perfect as you are to him can love someone like him, cause let's be honest, his self-esteem is so much lower than should be

so time goes by n u 2 fall more n more in love n it causes a lot of fights between u, u 2 just can't stand seeing each other being so nice n friendly to someone else, smiling to someone else, spend time enjoying someone's company but yall can't honestly explain what r the reasons of that 'weird' behavior so u fight even more. neither of u wanna lose this connection between u, but both of you are sure that it'll surely happen if either of you reveals the truth about ur feelings to the other

one day Mikage got way too overheated with jealousy, observing u going to lunch with some random guy n letting him to touch u when he helps u clean ur face cause u have sauce n crumbs allover it, when that guy has a nerve to hug u, to make u smile n laugh so sincerely

Reo confronts u, u immediately get defensive n angry with such tone he talks to u with, the fight is just dreadful, he says n screams a lot but nothing he actually should, the same do u

now u don't talk for weeks, even months n none of u can get over it, get over ur feelings but also fear to lose each other. so stupid n ironic of both of u to be that afraid of loosing each other n still doing everything what's leads to it

the day of singing competition Reo didn't even know about it, he just didn't care at all, but than some of his friends invited him cause one of contestants was the crush of this pure guy but he was to shy n embarrassed to go alone, so being nice person as he is, Reo agrees to keep his poor friend's company. n there he sees u with that guy he confronted u about.

Reo's mad n broken at the same time, he couldn't be sure if something's going on between u or not but he thought about the worst scenario possible n immediately got nauseous so he excused himself, saying he needed to go, n ended up spending most of the competition in the restroom, picturing u in the arms of that guy

'no thoughts, head empty' he run without any clear plans, irritated and defeated, to the concert hall, backstage area, and literally ordered to put a minus of this song next, he'd been listening to it on repeat for a long time, back when you gave it to him to listen to over a year ago.

ofc, they tried to turn him down, saying he wasn't on the list of contestants, but a few words were enough to make the organizers worry about their future well-being so they did what he wanted

Mikage ordered all the footlights to go out before he appeared on stage, n the hall was completely dark, at first no one could understand what was going on, but suddenly Reo's voice came on, filling the void with pain and love that was clearly audible in his singing, n u couldn't help but recognize that beloved voice, so tears began to roll down your cheeks in unstoppable rivers, even though u couldn't see him, you knew that was him.

song comes to the end, Reo screams 'see? I said that u have power over me' n that exact moment as he burst into tears he feels ur hand holding his one as u say with trembling voice 'let's go out of here, I don't wanna our first kiss be this public"

P.S. sorry but sometimes my brain just needs scenarios like in stupid romantic tv-shows for teens

[expired-blueberries]

Actually you know ben and kevin duo has so much fans like there are so much videos about them in YouTube or insta or ..people love them so much and see them as best friends /brothers and even their friendship is the core of the show kinda.but some people don't like it when people ship them romantically or them being gay or whatever idk why they are so homophobic man

honestly i don't think there's enough fans of ben and kevin, especially people who ship them. they're usually sidelined for other characters, sadly. that said:

LITERALLY FOR REAL THEIR FRIENDSHIP IS THE CORE OF THE SHOW!!!!!! i don't understand why people hate shipping them so much.

like, even in a non-romantic way, ben and kevin are literally the crux of the entire show. kevin in original series shook ben to his core, the fact that he couldn't just SAVE kevin, but he had to throw him into the null void as well? and the fact that this literally changes everything for BOTH of them going forward.

the fact that kevin's main motivation to escape the null void was just so he could get revenge on ben. the fact that, even though ben should have been more wary or even downright scared of kevin going forward when they met again in alien force, but instead immediately decided to trust him, despite the fact that the last time he saw kevin, kevin tried to kill him (the last few times he saw kevin, in fact). the fact that, after getting a hit in on ben after they met again, kevin and ben become friends almost immediately. the fact that in early alien force ben is constantly reaffirming his trust of kevin.

the fact that kevin goes to fight ragnorok and he wants to do it alone, but ben (and gwen) won't let him. the fact that, when kevin tricks them into the escape pod, he's talking to ben alone when he has to know that he (kevin) is very likely to die in the next few minutes and this is the last time he'll ever see him, and he's saving him/

the fact that kevin reabsorbs the omnitrix to stop aggregor and save the universe, despite the fact that he knows he's going to lose himself in it, despite the fact that it's a 1:1 repetition of the single most traumatic event he ever experienced. the fact that ben wants to kill kevin after he mutates again, an event which had to call back the incredible trauma that he also experienced after the first time he failed to save kevin and every time after that. the fact that, even though kevin wasn't in his right mind, he still knew that ben wanted to kill him. the fact that ben didn't even try to help him de-mutate. the fact that max approved of this. the fact that gwen alone was the driving force behind saving kevin. the fact that, after kevin de-mutated, he and ben walked off together without saying a word.

the fact that in omniverse, after everything they went through together, kevin leaves, but before he does, he goes in for a hug.

listen, i ship them hardcore. they're my biggest ship in ben 10, bigger than any other ship i've had for just about any other fandom i've ever been in, but even without romantic connotations, they've probably got the most fascinating and best relationship in the entire show. best written? hard to say, but it's definitely the most deep and developed.

i don't know why people don't ship them more. i don't know why they're relegated to the bottom of the pack. i don't know why ben and kevin are so forgotten about, or pushed to the side for ships that have less depth, less reason, and less moments. homophobia, sure, but even for people who aren't homophobic, i've seen them be overlooked for so much less.

i guess that's what i really think, though. people DO love them as brothers or friends, but they never get any focus or attention. they're always overlooked for rook, or gwen, or [insert character here], and that isn't a bad thing, their relationships with those characters are very important and cool, but none of them have the same weight as ben and kevin.

sorry for the rant anon, i just had to ramble. i love them so much lol

[isa-ghost]

hey it's the anon who asked what dr*m did,

I decided to do my own research (mainly cause I was curious) but... I can't find much? let me rephrase it - I did find the allegations from 6ish months ago, that he's going to court with one(?) of them, but that's... all? I didn't find the court's verdict, confirmations, or him admitting either... and any post or video I find has both the OP and the comments mostly on his side and believing that it's either not true or true but not grooming, even people who say they're not his fans or don't even like him.

so Im not sure if the confirmation didn't reach youtube or if I'm searching wrong or something?

but honestly while researching I realized that I cant stand him lmao, gotta agree with some comments I read - he made a mistake by showing more of his personality online, looks like any time he can handle a situation wrong/respond wrong he does it

so dunno, guess I didnt find the confirmation but at least now I don't find his old minecraft videos interesting anymore so theres that

Yeah he can't act properly to save his fucking life

Also I think most of the threads on Twitter and stuff that have all the proof he's guilty/etc is probably long buried, unfortunately. You could probably try to ask around saying you're trying to get the whole picture but tbh it's not a huge deal if you can't. You can try searching my blog but Tumblr sucks with that shit. The fact that this and his other controversies have been buried and lost to the void of the internet is typical white boy with a monstrously big platform shit so I'm not surprised. I never heard any details about court (prob for legal reasons) or a conviction either. All I know is there was screenshot proof from the victim that they talked, and Dr*m confirmed the screenshots were real but didn't say anything about other details. But those details literally can't be false if the screenshots & the shit said in them are true.

Anyway, as far as his other bullshit goes:

People found old kkk meme edits on his yt account through the wayback machine. More than once if I'm not mistaken

He has a history of defending himself using the r slur

He cheated "on accident" in a speedrun (the least important thing ever but everyone always brings it up)

He claimed he was going to donate all proceeds during pride month to lgbt+ charities & he'd do charity streams all month but never did

He defended himself about replying to haters, which would send thousands of his toxic stans after the person getting them doxxed/death threats/etc and he refused to address that it was irresponsible of him bc he was too entitled to immaturely clap back at the antis. Even other ccs, like B/itzel called him out about shit related to how he uses his platform irresponsibly & he unfollowed & shaded them like a bitch baby

The whole "accidental" copycat shit with QSMP/USMP and basically softcore stalking Q/uackity online.

His "apologies" for all of the above fucking sucked in multiple ways. And that's just 2021-Now shit I can remember off the top of my head, I lost my Twitter in May last year so now I get my info from people's posts about it on here or links to tweets.

Everyone largely suspects he spontaneously reignited d/smp lore & started the finale to cover up the groomer thing bc he has a history of doing smth "new and cool" every time he causes drama to divert attention and avoid accountability.

He's also suspected of suddenly rewriting the d/smp finale to paint his Irredeemable Abuser Villain Up Until The Last Stream as a sympathetic poor baby out of nowhere and wrote that his victim, c!Tommy apologized to him, which sends a HORRIBLE message about abusive relationships. T/ommy and T/ubbo have both subtly mentioned not liking the finale and that Dr*m had AWFUL communication during the last like 6+ months of the smp.

He also suddenly showed up in T/ubbo's chat lurking while T/ubbo happened to be mentioning he'd do his own research on the grooming situation instead of blindly siding with Dr*m and it was some shit out of a horror movie is2g, he suddenly dmed T/ubbo out of nowhere during it on discord saying they'd talk about it after T/ubbo wasn't streaming. Basically sounds like he was gonna bias T/ubbo about his innocence. Like he hadn't been in chat all stream long but SUDDENLY he was there the second the topic came up. But the d/smp ccs also can't say anything about the situation since it's a legal matter, so a handful of ccs have just stated/implied they don't support him other ways

He only quit MCC bc he threw a tantrum about how he couldn't practice for it but now that MCC island exists, people were getting better than him. He's habitually a sore loser about that kinda shit

He's got that whole weird "is he, isn't he" bullshit going on about him being lgbt. I personally think he's just catering to his stupid d/n/f shippers bc they like to truth their relationship & sexuality all the time and he's never explicitly said he's bi or smth. He's just vaguely been like "yeeeaahhhh I mostly like girls like 99% but maaaayyybeee I like guys idkkkk. 🤪" But he's also done that multiple times so who tf knows. I'm not gonna fully dismiss him & I understand no one including me is entitled to his specific sexuality, but he has garbage credibility on like everything so I'm neutral on the matter and find it hard to believe him

Not directly him related, but his stans went on a long and horrifying witch hunt on Twitter during the kkk ordeal doxxing, death threatening & harassing ENTIRE mcyt subtwts who spoke out against him and called him out on his racism, performative activism, shitty apology, etc. For example, I was part of S/neeg's subtwt and all my mutuals and me had to go private to avoid getting doxxed. It felt like being raided in some dystopian ass horror film. Entire subtwts were going private, panicking, paranoid they'd get outed & stalked & harassed by people just for condemning racism, raising Black voices, etc. It was borderline traumatic to some people, I know people who lost sleep over it bc they were so afraid.

That's all I can think of off the top of my head but the end of 2021 to early 2022 was a fucking nightmare between him being an immature entitled piece of shit and his stans blindly defending him and going out of their way to endanger people who rightfully opposed him.

[kasumingo]

People who are like, get medicated, get therapy, get help, as if its the easiest most effective thing ever boggle the mind. Like i know they cannot know unless theyve been in the system for any length of time but theres so much to unpack here. Theres LAYERS

Theres the fact that everyone should be aware of by now, that its often expensive and inaccessible to many as well, but thats entry level shit. It goes deeper.

The fields of psychology and ESPECIALY psychiatry are steeped in stigma and dogma and straight up bad info. Everything is depression until proven otherwise. Gender stigma is very very real with autism and ad(h)d and so is actual genuine oppression that can come with those diagnoses and anything "more serious". God help you if youre diagnosed with or suspect cluster A or B personality disorders or ANY psychotic ones. I dont have firsthand experience but ive heard enough to know that often those with ASPD and schizoaffective/schizophrenic get treated as subhuman. Not to mention how severe antipsychotics are as medication, theres good reasons people often dont take theirs.

But even if youve got one of the "easy" disorders, guess what? "Success" is still not guaranteed. Figuring out medication and dosage can be a long and exhausting process, a lot of them have significant drawbacks and restrictions.

And cognitive behavioral therapy can also have negative effects! Especially if ur misdiagnosed! Or do it while youre still in survival mode! Or have alexythimia like myself! Its not an one size fits all cure.

People are so ready to condescend to the mentally ill and say stuff like "get therapy" as if its the holy grail of mental care without a trace of irony. People lapse treatment and lick their own wounds the best they can for so many reasons, A LOT OF THEM RELATING TO HOW SHIT AND INEFFECTIVE THERAPY CAN BE, and instead of that being the focus the talk about it is so often boiled down to them being lazy or incapable of taking care of themselves.

I know this couldve been its own post but honestly with you posting abt it i feel better giving this here directly. It got kind of ranty but just, people who use "get therapy" as the ultimate gotcha BOIL MY BLOOD.

People think that therapist, psychologists, psychiatrist and similar are these unquestioned authorities that always have your best interest in mind and have the answer for anything.

While the truth is that the psych field is filled with incompetent bigots either entering the field for the power trip or having an incredible biased and misguided point of view at best.

I don't personally have the experience with BPD or ASPD myself either, but it's not hard to imagine how they treat individuals they don't even consider people… that the majority of society don't consider ones either and doesn't care what happens to them.

AND YES GOD IT'S INFURIATING.

Especially since in many cases it doesn't come from genuine care, but as a dismissal and denial that many people ARE broken, weird, strange, peculiar, different but they do NOT need fixing, CAN'T be fixed and certainly don't owe strangers recovery.

Modern attitudes I'm seeing in online spaces are only setting mental health of the societies back years if not decades and leads to mental health of all involved unnecessarily dipping even further, only adding to what's happening in the world as a whole lately.

It's frustrating and I only can hope that my yelling in the void brings someone peace or makes rethinking the attitudes they've been carrying up until this point.

[another-whump-sideblog]

Jane's Pets Chapter 99: Preparation 

TWs in the tags

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You're surprised when Puppy picks up Jane's body, but then she goes upstairs and it makes sense. She probably doesn't want to take her eyes off of the body, out of fear that it will come back to life. That must be why she wanted to stay downstairs originally, but then she realized she could still watch the body upstairs, so now she's doing that.

Satisfied with your reading of her actions, you help Kitty to their feet and support them as you follow Puppy.

…You need to stop calling them by those names, even in your head. But what else can you call them? You add 'figure out what to call each other' to your messy mental list of first steps.

When you get upstairs, you find Jane's body lying on the ground and Puppy writing on the back of one of the coloring book pages that hasn't been drawn on yet. You aren't prepared for how happy the sight makes you. She feels safe enough to write! Already!

You help Kitty get seated on the couch. They immediately scoot away from you, so they've probably hit their limit with being touched today. Maybe they would've rather tried to climb the stairs themself… No, they were leaning on you, and they accepted your help getting to their feet. They just don't want to be touched more. Still, you should've asked.

"Sorry, I should've asked if you wanted help instead of assuming." You say.

"Hm? Oh, it's fine." They bounce their leg rapidly.

Puppy sets down her pencil and hands you the paper she was writing on.

A lot of the jewelry Master had me wear could be sold for pretty good money. She kept a lot of it in her void, but some are in my room. Some of the dresses too. I also think some of the weapons and furniture could be sold. It would need to be sold to someone who doesn't ask a lot of questions, of course, because Master stole most of this stuff. Master had me help her with some illegal activities, so I know who to go to. 

"Oh! I didn't even think about selling stuff! Yeah, we want to start with as much money as possible, it'll probably take a while to get another source of income, if we can at all. I just sort of pictured us being homeless, but everything will be so much easier if we have money." You pass the note to Kitty so that they can read it too.

Puppy nods, a small smile on her face. You could shout for joy. When's the last time she smiled?

Kitty finishes reading and sets the paper down. "So… let's break it down. First we need to gather up the stuff we want to sell, unless it's furniture, then we'll just take note that we plan on selling it. We should probably figure out how much we expect to get, and how exactly we want to spend it, then we go meet Puppy's… criminal contact–"

Puppy starts shaking her head.

"Um… oh, were you thinking only you'd go?"

Puppy nods. You and Kitty share a skeptical look.

"Is that… safe?" You ask. You can't imagine going into a situation like that alone is safer than going with people.

Puppy nods.

"Are you sure?" Kitty's leg bounces faster.

Puppy nods more firmly. You don't have much space to argue, you don't know the people she wants to meet up with. It's completely possible that they would be more dangerous with strangers around. 

"Well… after everything we've been through, I trust that you know how to keep yourself safe." You say. "If you change your mind, let us know." 

Puppy nods. If you thought she didn't want you and Kitty to go for your sakes, you'd push more, but honestly, now that you think about it, you can't picture her prioritizing her own safety if you're there. You'd just be something else for her to worry about, and it's not like you could protect her if something went wrong, even if you were there.

Kitty frowns, but doesn't push the topic. "Okay, Puppy goes to meet her criminal contact alone while we wait here. Um… While we wait, we can start packing food and clothes and whatever else we want to take. We don't have suitcases or anything, but there are garbage bags in one of the kitchen cupboards, right?" 

Puppy nods.

"So me and Bunny will get packed while we wait, and then you'll come back and do… whatever you do to sell stolen goods, then you can pack up, and then we can go to the nearest town, which you know the location of."

Puppy nods.

"What about after that?" You ask. "We'll just be carrying around trash bags of our stuff… Can we find a place to live quickly?" You literally have no idea, you’ve never gotten an apartment or anything.

“Well, we can stay in a hotel. How long we can do that will depend on how much money we can get from selling stuff. We can pick somewhere cheap, it's not like any hotel could be worse than staying in the basement with Jane."

You and Puppy nod in unison.

"And… then what?" You ask.

Kitty shrugs. "We try to get jobs, or get some sort of financial aid. Or we run out of money and end up living on the street. Either way, we'll be happier than we were here. But I think we should start planning that phase once we've found the hotel we want to stay at."

"Well… I guess that's it then. Let's start gathering the things we want to sell."

The three of you spend the next few hours figuring out what to sell. Clearing out the stuff in Puppy's room is the easiest (and will probably yield the most money), and going over the furniture in the house isn't much harder. Most of it will be able to be sold, and if the prices the three of you have been estimating are correct you'll end up with a significant sum. It'll probably be all in cash, so hopefully that won't be too suspicious…

You can't start thinking about that quite yet, though. You're still not done with step one. You need to go through the weapons to see what can be sold.

Right before the three of you head downstairs, Kitty suggests looking at the silverware, so you gather up any sellable silverware too. The task ends far too quickly.

"We don't have to sell any weapons, y'know." Kitty looks over the piles you've put together. "We don't have someone forcing us to do things anymore. If we're okay with not having that extra bit of money, we can just… not. We don't have to ever set foot in the basement again if we don't want to."

"Still… the more money we have, the easier things will be, and I… really want things to be easy. You guys don't have to help if you don't want to."

"I think I'll be fine with going into the basement one last time. I'll come with you, I just… it's good to remember we have choices now. That's all."

"Right, thank you. And you can always change your mind, we can come back up whenever we want. Puppy, are you coming?"

Puppy nods and picks up Jane's body again. She's… going to stop doing that eventually, right?

The three of you make one last descent into the basement. At least, you hope it's your last descent. 

You're so used to this staircase signifying dread, and even knowing Jane is dead doesn't prevent those old feelings from creeping in. You push them away.

The basement is big. In your search, you find some rooms you've never even been in before. You try to avoid thinking about what those rooms might have been used for and just focus on finding weapons.

It would be faster if you split up, but the three of you stick close together anyway. Thankfully, Puppy eventually sets Jane's body down, which makes the search a bit easier, even if not having her body in your sight makes you a bit nervous. You just push that away, too.

Most of the weapons Jane kept in the basement instead of her void won't get a whole lot of cash, but some might. You assume a car battery is pretty expensive. A lot of the drugs could be expensive too, but most of them aren't well labeled so you just collect the few that are.

"It'll probably take a few trips to get everything upstairs." You say once you're done. The three of you have piled up all the things you want to sell near the stairs. "Unless we want to leave them down here and have the buyers get them?"

Kitty shakes their head. "That would cause more problems than it solves. Would we just send them down here to grab whatever they wanted? That feels… unsafe. And if we went down with them, we'd probably have to take even more trips. It's easier to just get it over with now… still your choice, of course."

You sigh. "Yeah, you're right. Are there any boxes we can put stuff in? We can't carry nearly as many knives at a time as we could jewelry or silverware."

"None that I saw. Maybe we could take out one of the drawers upstairs and put the weapons in that?"

"You're a genius! Okay, if we get a dresser drawer we'll probably be able to get everything up in one trip if we carry it together– except the car battery, we should probably take that up separately… So, let's carry the car battery up, then while we're upstairs get a dresser drawer, then bring it down here and get everything in it, then bring it up. Then we only have to make two trips, and we never have to come down here again afterward!"

"Perfect." Kitty goes over to pick up the car battery, and you quickly stop them.

"You probably shouldn't carry heavy things like this while your feet are still hurt." They've been getting pretty good at walking only on their heels, but you're afraid of them losing balance.

They scowl and storm up the stairs. It looks kind of silly because they're walking on their heels, but obviously they're upset. That's… weird. You pick up the battery and follow them up. Puppy isn't far behind.

When you get upstairs, you set down the battery in the living room and then go to look for Kitty. You find them in their room, dumping out a drawer of clothes.

"...you okay?"

"I'm fine. You and Puppy'll probably need to work together to carry this." They push the drawer towards you.

"Do you need a break? There's no rush to any of this."

"I said I'm fine!" They storm off again, back towards the basement.

Puppy takes one end of the drawer and you take the other. "Do you know what's bothering them?"

She shrugs. She has an idea, then– she would've just shook her head if she felt as clueless as you.

You and Puppy bring the drawer down the stairs. At first you're very careful to avoid scratching or banging the walls, but then you remember you don't care about damaging the house, and getting downstairs is a lot easier.

You and Puppy set the drawer down, and the three of you start filling it up. You're almost done– after this you can figure out what's going on with Kitty, and maybe discuss as a group what names you want to go by. You'd like to get Puppy to at least eat something before she leaves, too.

You're so wrapped up in planning what to do next as you fill the drawer that you don't notice Puppy silently crying until she collapses to the floor.

A/N: Let me know if I should tag anything else, or if you want to be added to or removed from the tag list!

Tag list: @eatyourdamnpears @whump-in-the-closet @scp-1296 @thecosmicmap @quins-whump-stuff

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