#most of my triggers that went away with covid are now back

[idkmybffjillyy]

so just had anxiety attack. first one i can remember having in a LONG while. the feeling of laying in bed post attack, makeup on hair done fully ready to go out for night and never having gone out doesnt suck any less than it used to.

[hoosurdaddy]

Chapter 7.

Pairing: post covid! Stan Marsh x Reader, post covid! Kenny McCormick x reader.

Triggers: 18+, cheating, smut,gaslighting, fighting.. Reader is married to Stan, bad grammar, short.. Rushing this so I'm finally finished a series

--

It was nice having you home for the two weeks. Stan at first was shocked by the sudden holidays but nonetheless happy. He was busy with his whiskey company, while you were busy helping him on the side. You both spent most of the time in bed, working, having sex, and overall being happier than you both ever been. Today, Stan had decided to send you over to Heidi's to help her with some project she was doing, while Stan had decided to meet up with his friends; Cartman, Kyle, and sadly, Kenny at iHop.

Stan was having a great day until he arrived to see it was only Kenny and Kyle there. He sat down in the booth beside Kyle and across from Kenny, who looked annoyed that he was here in the first place. Stan ignored him and began catching up with Kyle. Stan was used to chaotic things happening around him, especially growing up with a father like his. But you both were happy now, in a better place than ever. And Stan was so grateful. Even when Cartman arrived, Stan greeted him with such happiness, Kyle was sure he was dreaming.

However, there was all but one person who was happy, and that was Kenny. Everytime Stan opened his mouth, or even so much as breathed in his direction, Kenny wanted to jump across the table and strangle him till his face turned blue. Kenny wasn't making it half obvious. The two men had been glaring at each-other throughout their brunch.

"Is there a problem, Kenny?" Stan asked as the waitress cleared up their plates.

"Nope." Kenny replied automatically as he pulled up his stupid packback onto the table. All Kenny had to do was leave, but no, Stan and his untouchable attitude wasn't getting away so easily. Instead, he unzipped his packback. He took out your vest, throwing it across the table at Stan. The one you forgot when you came over to his that blissful Saturday night. "I forgot, make sure you give this back to your wife, she left it at mine."

Stan picked up the vest, analyzing it. He felt his whole face heat up before looking back up at Kenny. He couldn't even hear Cartman making some comment about what was going on. "What the fuck are you doing with Y/N's vest?" He asked as Kenny stood up nonchantly and shrugged.

"I just told you stupid. She left it at mine." Kenny wasn't afraid of Stan, nor was he afraid of the consequences of his actions. He was done. This time, Stan stood up, vest still in hand. "Don't even look at Y/N, don't even speak to her. She's done with you."

Kenny shrugged. He didn't care if Stan beat the shit out of him, there was nothing that could hurt Kenny anymore. You called him a mistake and that hurt more than any type of abuse or neglect Kenny faced growing up. Kenny's heart was broken.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"Nothing dude, just saying." Kenny rolled his eyes when Kyle and a waitress both came up to tell everyone to chill the fuck out and to pay and leave. Just as Stan went to follow Kyle up to the till to pay, Kenny had one last trick up his sleeve.

"Oh Stan." Kenny called out to him with a smirk on his face. "How did my dick taste?" He heard Cartman bursting out laughing beside him. "I mean, you've clearly kissed Y/N since the party right? How does my dick taste in her mouth? She enjoyed it, she swallowed every drop I gav-"

Stan powered his way through Kyle to get to Kenny and began beating Kenny's face to a pulp with customers watching a free show.

--

Kenny had been destroyed by Stan. People had gathered to watch this fight in the middle of iHop with Stan ontop, throwing and slapping punches into Kenny's face while Kyle and other's tried to pull Stan off, but to no use. From the look of things, Kyle was sure Stan had split Kenny's lip open, bringing him closer and closer to seeing God. Kenny, who made no effort to stop Stan, just laid there. He was enjoying the pain he had caused Stan. The same pain you caused him.

It was only when Cartman, who was stronger than both men, managed to lift Stan off Kenny before he killed him. It was a struggle but Cartman managed to lift Stan out of iHop while he screams echoed about how he was going to kill Kenny, leaving Kenny and Kyle in the restaurant. The excitement and buzz in the restaurant had died down, and the manager had told Kenny and Kyle that they won't press charges if they paid and got the fuck out, which they did straight away. Kenny needed some help getting out, which Kyle offered.

--

You had left Heidi's about an hour after the fight, you had no knowledge that a fight had even occurred or that the secret was out. As you drove, you decided to stop into a little StarBucks to treat you and Stan. As you lined up, you heard someone calling your name. It was Sophie Grey with Bebe and Red. "Hey Y/N." She giggled, taking in how unnoticed you were. "How does Kenny's dick taste?" she asked before all the girls started giggling.

Panicking, you glanced around the starbucks to see others from highschool, staring. You quickly walked out of the StarBucks and back to your car but not before hearing Red shout something along the lines of you being a slut. Shit, shit, shit. You thought as you started the car, driving back to your house. You seen Cartman's car parked outside your house, but not Stan's.

You quickly ran in, seeing Cartman and Stan, who was supporting bruised knuckles. He didn't even bother to look at you, but Cartman did, he glared before paying attention to his friend again. The tension was thick and scary.

"Stan." You whispered, who scoffed at you in reply. He was angry and pissed. Cartman had leaned over and whispered something to him before getting up to leave, but not before giving you one last glare and a slam of the door.

"Please talk to me, what happened?"

Stan had gotten up to run cold water on his bruised knuckles, while you slowly inched towards him. "Stan."

"You're a lying piece of shit slut." Stan bellowed out, and even though it was just the two of you, you swore a thousand people were watching you. "You fucked Kenny. You sucked his cock. All those 'meetings' were you sucking his cock."

You paused, knowing there was no point lying anymore. "I didn't suck his cock.."

Pulling his hand out from the sink, he glared at you with disgust over your actions and comments. You were his wife for God Sake.

"What the fuck is wrong with you."

Stan stepped past you, grabbing his car keys. You reached out to stop Stan from leaving, but from the look of his face, you knew better. "Stan, I am so sorry. It.. It just happened. I hate myself for lett-."

"You hate yourself? Imagine how I feel." Stan growled. Cheating was a choice, and Stan knew that better than anyone else. Wendy cheated on him in the past, and now you? his wife, the woman who took vows on the day you got married, to love one and other, and to be loyal to only eachother. "You chose to fuck him, you chose to go to these 'meeting', you chose to bounce on his dick whenever you got the chance and blew me off. You're not a wife, you're a God-damn whore." Stan was shaking in anger right now. He would much rather be in denial than angry, he didn't really know how he was going to fix this. How you were going to fix it, but as far as Stan was aware; he was out of here.

"Stan, I'm sorry. Please. I am so so sorr-"

Without another word, Stan left. You wanted to follow him and beg for his forgiveness, get down on your knees and kiss his feet and say you're sorry forever, but you couldn't move. Your feet wouldn't let you. You didn't even flinch at the sound of the door slamming. Stan, on the other hand, had no idea where he was going or what he was doing. He just drove. His eyes filled with tears as he drove. Stan was heartbroken. He loved you so much it was maddening. Stan done everything to make you happy.

Stan couldn't believe the pain you would put him through.

[warden-melli]

Not pokemon related but fuck these last few years have been tough. Been trying to distract myself all night but I think I need to vent for a sec

Trigger warning after the cut

I don’t want to get into details, but my uncle killed himself this morning. I knew something was wrong straight away when my mother randomly turned up with that look on her face. My grandmother was diagnosed with dementia last year, and my grandfather is in kidney failure, so at first I thought something bad and happened to them, but no. It was my uncle.

I spent a lot of today with my dad. My uncle was his little brother, and quite frankly as sad as I am for what happened to my uncle, I’m most worried about my dad right now. Not only did he lose both his father and older sister within the last year or so, but he’s been in pretty poor health himself. He was involved in an accident at work earlier this year involving a chainsaw, and honestly he’s lucky to be alive. PPE did it’s job, but even so he still ended up losing a tooth, and he’s had to have dental/implant surgeries to repair the damage. The last few weeks he’s also been extremely ill having caught Ross River fever from a job site. I have never seen him this sick in my entire life, and it has been extremely distressing seeing him in so much pain. He’s recovering from being sick, but he’s had an absolutely terrible run of luck, and that’s not even all of it. His best friend/brother in law has lung cancer, his sister just had a heart attack after contracting covid, and another of his sisters was just in a major car accident (he’s one of 10 kids btw). Also his pet budgie died last week. I feel horrible for him and I wish I could do something to make it better.

The last few weeks have been really tough. I broke my wisdom tooth, and because I am really bad at telling if/where I’m in pain I kinda tried to live with an exposed nerve for a few weeks before realising that it was serious. I knew something was wrong, but I have tmjd so I just kinda thought it was a chronic pain flare up at first. Like a really bad one, but I tried to ignore it. I had the back of my knee tattooed while dealing with a cracked wisdom tooth oof. After I figured out it wasn’t going to go away I eventually went to the dentist and had it extracted, but that was really hard for me to deal with. I was happy that the sharp pain had gone, but my jaw has been extremely sore since, and I really struggled sensory wise during the healing period. Then I broke my guitar and my fridge broke, so that’s over $1000 on top of the dental bills -_-

Idk life feels really hard lately. Haven’t been able to draw much, and have just been feeling flat in general. And now my uncle has passed and I just feel terrible. I’ll be okay. My sister is due to have a baby within weeks, and I’ve got some good concerts to look forward to, so it’s not all bad. One of my little sisters has been a twenty one pilots fan since she was literally an infant, and she’s finally old enough to see them live and I was able to get her really good tickets. She’s autistic too and has been working on her outfit and making stickers, and every time I see her that’s all she can talk about. I’m so happy for her and that I get to take her. There is good stuff, and good people and as silly as it sounds Melli/Pokemon really helps. He’s so so special to me. I’m glad I have him to focus on

I just needed to get stuff off of my chest, so if you’ve made it this far thanks for listening. Even if no one reads this just typing it out made me feel a bit better. May be a bit less active for a while, might be way more active. Idk how my brain wants to handle this lol

[missrosegold]

Fic authors self rec! When you get this, reply with your favorite five fics that you've written, then pass on to at least five other writers. Let’s spread the self-love ❤

Thank you for the tag @kimkaelyn (also, my apologies, I thought I followed you way earlier, my mistake!) I'm going to post everything below the cut, since this is going to be a long post!!

Some of the stories that I'll mention here are from my old fandom which was... PPG. I'm not ashamed of them by any means - quite the opposite actually - it's what allowed me to start writing in the first place, and I met some of my best friends in that fandom, so I'll always be grateful to it for that, but there was a lot of things about that community that were not great, so I left. Some of these stories are old. I mean from FF days, but I did bring the ones I liked the most over onto my A03 (with a crap-ton of edits) so if anyone is interested in giving them a read, by all means, feel free!

and if my body should fade I'll trust you with my soul - Dabi x (F)reader (MHA/BNHA)

You’ve always been able to see the man with white hair and charred skin around your village, even though it seemed that nobody else could Or, you ended up making a deal with death, and now he’s come to collect

This particular story is near and dear to my heart, as it's the first story I wrote after a 2 year hiatus. COVID was murder on my mental health and I didn't have any motivation to write. It was around that time that I started getting into MHA, and subsequently discovered Dabi as well. Needless to say, I never looked back haha. I spent nearly 2 years lurking around the MHA A03 side, reading the delightful stories that authors on here published, and getting more familiar with this blog, before I decided that I wanted to try my hand I writing something again. This idea about Death God!Dabi had been floating around in my mind for quite some time at this point, and part of the inspiration for the story was from a post about Dabi, which had a quote attached to it that went something like: "Looking like half a corpse, half a god." I took it as a sign to keep going with the idea, and I ran with it. The story that came afterwards, was the end result. He fit's the role of a death god well, and I had a lot of fun writing this story! I've said it before, and I'll say it again: This story is my love letter to Dabi. His character is complex, and his story isn't a happy one, but that's what makes him so interesting. I love writing for him just as much as I love his characterization. He's challenging to write well, but in the best possible way.

2. always the fool with the slowest heart - Dabi x (F)reader (MHA/BNHA)

After a few particularly grueling years of working nonstop, you broke down and burnt yourself out. To escape the rat-race, you left for the island where your aunt and uncle live; back to the beach house you spent your summers at as a child. As you slowly work on building yourself back up, you start to realize some things on the island are not quite as you remember them to be.

Little did you know, there was a surprise waiting you in the shallows when you returned to the island nearly a decade after you last left.

Another AU story about Dabi, only this time, he's a merman. This one ended up getting away from me a bit, and the direction of the plot changed halfway into me writing it. It more or less turned into a way for me to vent my frustrations about working non-stop through the pandemic, and burning myself out very early on in my career. (turns out healthcare isn't the field you wanna be in with a global pandemic strikes, it wasn't a great couple of years for me). This story is more or less dedicated to anyone who has experienced some kind of burnout or mental exhaustion at some point in time + the added bonus of having a whirlwind romance with a large, attractive merman. The themes of escapism and dealing with anxiety/stress are heavier in this one, so if you have any triggers related to what I've listed, then please proceed with caution. This story ended up growing so large, I ended up breaking it up into 3 parts. Currently, 2/3 chapters are posted, but the final installment should be along shortly!

And here we move into stories from my old fandom. I namely wrote for the Greens (Butch and Buttercup). Before I say anything else - I want to make it clear that I only ever wrote these two as being somewhere in their late teens (18+ but maybe 17 here or there), to anywhere in their mid to late twenties. Writing for the PPG back in the day was a lot of fun, because the fandom itself was a sandbox of sorts. The show focused on when the girls were young, but what happened to them as they grew up? That's left largely up to the viewers discression, and boy did I have fun writing for the Greens in particular. The notorious middle children where just so full rage and bloodlust as kids, I had a ball envisioning them as they got older. So angsty, so good. It's because of this fandom that I have such an affinity for writing AU's - rarely do I ever actually focus on plot-related stories, AU's are just so incredibly fun to write. While I'm no longer apart of this fandom, I do still enjoy these stories:

3. Lords of the Playlist - Butch x Buttercup (PPG)

They were lords of the playlist – they were legends. Two forces of nature, housed in bodies strengthened by Chemical X. They breathed life into each other, fed off each other’s energy. They were everything.

This story in particular is one of my longest to date, reigning at 92 chapters. Are they full chapters? Absolutely not. These were a collection of one-shots inspired by songs that I thought suited the Greens - I even made the full playlist on Spotify! The chapters are not cohesive to each other, and each could be read alone, but the order of the songs do follow a certain flow. This story took me 3 years to complete fully: I started it in 2016 a few months after I started collage, and I finished it in 2019 a few months after I graduated, so it was a nice way to end things. I suppose I'm most proud of the fact I stuck with it for so long. Normally I don't end up finishing projects as big as this one was, but I did, which was a first for me at that time. All and all, this is still one of my favourite pieces I've written.

4. Killers Playground - Reds, Greens, Blues (PPG)

Mafia AU – They were three of Townsville’s most notorious crime lords. They were three good girls that got caught up in the wrong crowd. West Side Story has nothing on these kids.

Surprise surprise, it's another AU, but a mafia centered one, and no one has their powers. This one involved all 3 of the traditional counterpart parings, which is something I didn't normally do, but I wanted to try my hand at writing for the Reds and Blues (I still think the best chapter was the Greens though, haha). It was a three-parter with each pairing getting their own chapter, and they all intertwined at some point. This one was a little bit twisted but I had a great deal of fun writing it at the time! This story gained a lot of traction when I initially posted it, so I guess people enjoyed it as much as I did! This one is rated M for a reason though. It's mafia based, which is it's own warning in of itself.

5. Yearning - Butch x Buttercup (PPH)

The five times Butch wanted to kiss Buttercup, and the one time he did.

This story was one of the very first I ever posted. I think it was my second or third, honestly I can't remember. This one was my take on what a budding relationship between the Greens might have looked at as they grew older together, and tried to sort out their feelings for one another. This was written from Butch's point of view, as I have this headcannon that he's an emotionally constipated little gremlin who is so out of touch with himself, that he doesn't realize he has feelings (that are more then friendly) for his counterpart until they literally smack him in the face, and he's forced to admit it to himself, even though he's loathed to do so. That being said, I also believe that he loves hard, and he has a lot of urges that he has to try and control when it comes to Buttercup, so this was my attempt at fleshing out those feelings in a way that was believable for both counterparts.

Anyways that was incredibly fun to write! Thank you so much for the tag! Sorry it took so long for me to respond, I got a little carried away with this prompt!

Tagging: @carriedreamerx2 @candycandy00 @kiebs @dynamars @shadowsandshapes @malewifetouya

[itcamefromthetoybox]

We’re Back: A Dinosaur Review

Man, it has been a while! I know I meant “Blind Box Month” to end in February, but then a ton of stuff happened, I caught Covid, and just general life chaos that’s kept me away from writing. Now that I finally have the energy to do it, though, let’s get back into reviews! This week, we’re looking at a line focusing on dinosaurs rampaging and those that hunt them down: “Dino Strike Hunt!”

Ok, so what exactly is this? Well, first, let’s look at the company that makes it. I first became aware of Zuru when my wife started collecting their Mini Brands line, a blind box series of tiny versions of real-world products that are in scale with the average doll. Each container has five items in it, and it’s a fun line we’ll probably talk about some other time. Zuru does a ton of different types of toys, such as robot animals, plushies, and most relevant to this review, multiple blind box items. Due to past experiences with them, I went into this with some good expectations, so let’s see if my optimism was rewarded or if it was dashed against the rocks of reality, like my dreams of getting a date in high school.

“Dino Strike Hunt” focuses on dinosaurs rampaging and the vehicles designed to stop them. Each box contains one vehicle or dinosaur that comes disassembled and has to be put together, with the dinosaurs having more soft plastic parts than the vehicles. It’s a pretty straightforward idea aimed at kids who like vehicles or dinosaurs.

Now, I tend not to focus on packaging, choosing instead to look at the toy itself. This is one of those times I’ll make an exception, though. Like most blind boxes sold by Zuru, the package is a ball with two tabs on opposite ends of the ball. Opening it is a feat that is definitely made easier with longer nails. I trimmed mine before opening one of the packages, and that was a decision I regretted almost immediately. Upon removing the tabs, the package falls apart into five slices, like an orange. Each slice has a foil cover on it, and removing that foil reveals a piece of whatever you’re building. It’s a fun little package, though it does result in some wasted plastic.

Finally, all those hours of peeling fruit have paid off!

The toys themselves are a mixed blessing. Like I said earlier, you can end up with either a dinosaur or a vehicle, and there’s no way to tell which you’re getting until the package is opened. The vehicles tend to be fun little toys where you snap together the five parts to make a neat little stylized military vehicle. The dinosaurs, on the other hand, can be the biggest pain to assemble. The vehicles are all harder plastics, so attaching everything is really easy. The dinosaurs tend to have softer plastics, usually in the limbs, which makes pegging them onto the body a challenge. If the peg on the body can’t be forced into the soft plastic limb in just the right way, the limb will fall off after a very short time. Getting the limbs on there sometimes requires a lot more effort than it should, and seeing the limb fall off after that can drive a man to dark places at the bottom of a bottle.

It was around this point that I began experiencing some regrets. Later would come the drinking.

A part of the toys that I really like is the little action feature they have. For the vehicles, this can be something like a grabbing claw or a firing projectile, and for the dinosaurs, it’s button-triggered moving parts, which they use to break out of restraints. The vehicles come out on top here due to the aforementioned issue with attaching the dinosaur parts. If a part isn’t secured just right, it moving in any way will detach it. Picking the dinosaurs up became far riskier than it needed to be. There was something just sad about watching the part I spent God knows how long fighting just fall off for the fourth time.

The toys honestly do look fun. The dinosaurs look like the kind you see in "Jurassic Park” and the vehicles look like they came from a 90’s cartoon. I can safely say the looks are the strongest point here. Unfortunately, as great as the toys do look, the issues with the dinosaurs weigh on me, like a backpack loaded with text books I will use all of once but still paid for.

Helicopter: fun. Pterodactyl, a bit tricky to assemble, but came out alright. Dilophosaurus: punishment from Toy God.

Now, would I recommend “Dino Strike Hunt?” Honestly, no. The issues I had with the dinosaurs are a real turn off for me that I know would be really frustrating for kids. The vehicles are great and kids would like those, which is why I would instead recommend some of Zuru’s other blind boxes, which are just the snap-together vehicles. All the fun of the vehicles with none of the frustration of trying to attach an arm to a peg too big for it. “Dino Strike Hunt” and Zuru’s other blind boxes can be found at most retail stores that sell toys, usually tucked away in the back of the toy section. They tend to run for about $5-$8 depending on where you shop. The packaging does work great as an Easter surprise, so don’t be afraid to try some of their other blind boxes instead of this one. This is JS signing off and wishing you Happy Toy Hunting!

[fortunesrevolver]

Went to a neurologist today regarding some long-time problems I've been having related to NF1, scoliosis, and other things. Mostly the first two. I don't really know how to explain it all without just babbling about medical stuff and throwing a lot of private information on the internet...

It's just really exhausting. I found out six months ago I essentially had a... sack of spinal fluid hanging off my spine. There's a lot of tissue and nerves growing through the surrounding area which makes it insanely difficult to operate on. Not to mention that, because part of it IS related to my NF due to the mass that the sack (for lack of better words) is essentially sitting on is a neurofibroma and... buh. I don't even know how to explain this in a way that makes sense.

Maybe I can dumb it down to the most basic issues:

I have scoliosis

I have neurofibromatosis

My hips are asymmetrical (due to the above)

This in turn makes one leg a little longer than the other, not because the legs themselves are different sizes. My hip raises one up a bit.

My right sight is very obviously weaker than the left.

Unrelated to the NF/Scoliosis stuff, I've been having really bad vertigo that won't go away. This caused nausea issues that won't go away, and all this is just stacked on top of the constant pain issues I'm already having. I can't jog or run. Even walking makes my back and neck hurt more than I can properly explain.

Everything combined together is just... exhausting. So exhausting. I can't even hold a job down because after a day or two I'm just so low energy and slumped and just... dead energy-wise and motivation-wise because of all the pain. It's just. Always pain.

Walking for more than a few minutes? Pain. And that pain just gets worse the more I move.

Jogging? Running? Straight up can't. The "sack" mentioned earlier essentially bounces up and down if I try and it sends shooting pain down my right leg. Bad enough that my leg will frequently give out if I push myself.

Sitting? Well, less painful than some things, but it also hurts if I'm not twisted into a weird position that makes my other muscles hurt if I sit for too long.

Lungs are fucked from Covid. Getting better. But still fucky. So breathing is hard too.

Vertigo is more or less known enough I don't have to explain that one, but... Even scrolling too fast on a screen triggers that sometimes.

I'm just. So. Tired... So tired. I want to be healthy.

Doctors and unemployment are all encouraging me to try for disability and work toward that so I have some kind of stable income and something to live off of while I try to get my health together. But... well. Anyone ON disability can tell you how much of a hurtle that is to get. Let alone keep it.

Still...

I want to. I'm going to try. But as it is... I have no income at all. I've got nothing to keep me together. Nothing to float with. I've got my Etsy, and I'm hopeful I'll be able to do a little more with that, but not having income makes it hard to get supplies to make things... but I'll do what I can.

The pandemic really made a lot of this so much harder because everything shut down and I couldn't get the help I needed for a while... though part of it was my own fault because I tried to power through for so long. I didn't think I deserved help. I tried so hard to climb out of one health hole, only to tumble right into another, and this one I can't really do anything about...

So that's where I'm standing for now.

It sucks... but I guess I'll try my best for now. Gotta find a way to pay bills and keep things going.

The biggest Suck about all this is, in order to apply for disability, I have to stop unemployment. Which I have to do anyway. if I *can't* work, unemployment doesn't want to help me anymore. All they care about is getting me employed again.

But if I go off unemployment and stop searching for work (mostly remote, it's all I can do that doesn't involve movement. spine problems and all) then I have *no* income to pay for basic insurance, medical bills, and basic life bills.

So. Hopefully I can build a decent buffer this month through Etsy and maybe I'll have some sort of luck with disability...

At least the doctors are on my side and willing to help and get me whatever letters I need. Here's hoping that's enough.

[jenroses]

Reasons I have had shocking decreases in function on a given day: 1. I opened my eyes (and the eyelid stuck to the eyeball and caused a corneal tear which is one of the single most painful things you can experience and one of the weirdest experiences in medicine because they can just make it go from a 10/10 to 0/10 in a second but it only lasts 20 minutes. Sjogrens is wild, y'all. 2. My ankle stopped ankling and I fell and the fall caused to me to actually break said ankle. The failure to ankle happened before the break. Was I running? Turning? Doing athletics? No. I was walking on my front porch, a level surface. I picked up the flu while at the doctor for the ankle, and never completely recovered. (this was almost 10 years ago. It marked the step from Mild to Moderate in ME/CFS.) This is what we call the 1-2 punch of ME/CFS and EDS.

3. I sat down in my car and my neck went out, causing 3 months of numbness in my arm and making me think I might need surgery.

4. I used my wheelchair and for some reason my sacrum decided to fuck off and my nerves misaligned and now sometimes for no good reason for several months at a time I can't sit up for more than 10 minutes in an ideal sitting device without horrible shooting pains. And sometimes it goes away and then comes back without warning.

5. I dared to go to more than one grocery store in the same day and had to spend the next five days in bed.

It makes me laugh when people say I should get more exercise. I should fucking not. I used to be a distance swimmer, 400 im was my race, I was a goddamn athlete. I danced for 7 years, rode horses, worked very physical jobs that required lots of walking, at one point I was doing home reno for 14+ hours per day. My default, feeling good mode is "doing lots of stuff and helping lots of people" and if I'm not doing lots of stuff and helping lots of people it's because I figured out that every time I tried to "get back in shape" I ended up deathly ill for weeks on end and lost all my muscle mass and ended up worse off than I started. I figured that out a decade or so before I even knew the term "post exertional malaise."

I saw an old friend, a doctor, at the con the other day. I told her I'd been diagnosed with ME/CFS and that I'd probably had it for 30 plus years. She went very quiet, and then said, "That explains everything. I'm so sorry."

And what did I do to end up with ME/CFS? Well, it is usually triggered by viruses. Some of the viruses that trigger it include: Roseola (age 3 months. IDK where I picked it up, but it certainly wasn't anything I was doing "wrong".) Influenza (God knows how many times but one flu when I was four made me hurt so bad I literally could not walk.) Chicken Pox (age 9. I went to a sleepover where the girl whose birthday it was had a kid sister who spiked a fever) Mono (Age 17, shared a straw with my best friend) More influenza (H1N1 really kicked the stuffing out of me but it was far from the first or last, that was 2009. The one in 2015 really did a number on me) Covid (2022 and 2023) was like, not helpful but mostly an afterthought. It made the dysautomnia worse, mostly. Probably contributed to kidney stones. Sometimes disability just happens. Sometimes it's sudden and sometimes it is so creeping slow that you don't realize how bad it's gotten until you look around and realize that even doing One Thing per day out of the house is too much.

Something I wish abled bodied people would understand is that just because I’m using a mobility aid doesn’t mean I’m “hurt” in that moment necessarily. They’re also preventative measures. Since I’ve began using my aids at work I’ve gotten so many versions of “what happened to you” that I genuinely cannot keep track. Nothing *happened*, sometimes people are just disabled.

[vonluftundliebe]

cried at work today. feels appropriate to revive this blog i guess

my cousin killed himself last november. my uncle is someone who is important enough that people gossip about him and his family. my at work we had a birthday lunch thing and my coworker, who is an asshole but i hardly ever see him luckily, or have to interact with him him, just excitedly announced, and very loudly, to all the gathered coworkers

"HEY HAVE YOU HEARD THAT [uncle]'s SON KILLED HIMSELF????"

for no reason, nothing prompted that. just a casual conversation starter at these, always kinda awkward, gathering of coworkers.

Now, he didn't know that he was my cousin of course. I mean I have mentioned him being my uncle occasionally, when the topic of his profession came up. And we share a last name, so a person with more than three braincells could have maybe guessed we are related. I don't have a rare last name.

I think he even called him by his last name, but I'm not sure, I rushed out at that point, no one questioned it.

our office space is arranged as a circle, so there is only one single office that is actually closed off and that you can't walk through accidentally. it's not my office. but i hid in it, mostly everyone else was at the lunch, but one coworker saw me visibly upset and came to comfort me. which is very nice and i appreciate it.

anyway i calmed down enough to join them again. but i was messed up all day. went and bought a pack of razor blades, went to work on my leg when i got home.

it's rare for me nowadays to actually SH so i always forget how good it makes me feel. And, fresh, new, sharp blades.... gliding through my skin like a warmed knive through butter. Love how easy it still is to take them apart, out of their plasic encasing, how tricky it was the first time, how good I got at it over the years... how casual i still feel about it.

I'm 25 now, I have real job, my own apartment, buy groceries... and I still haven't completely gotten away from this dirty habit i started a decade ago.

I'm not sure how mentally well I am lately. Been worse, that's for sure. been better, too. The winter was rough. My cousin killed himself on the first day of my vacation. Also, I was weirdly sick as well. Had something like long covid, had a flu or cold or something and then felt fatigued for weeks afterwards, got a fever occasionally again, too. Not nice. Was also close to burnout I guess. Or maybe it was due to the fatigue. Spiced up with a bit of seasonal depression, too, I'm sure.

it's better now, but i'm honestly not great. even before the incident today... i'm once more back in a place where i just feel kinda devoid of emotions. i feel incapable of feeling. it was in some way a nice thing today, feeling so strongly upset, getting actually triggered in the true sense of the word. having a cry, even if it was an awkward, rushed office cry. but it was an emotion. i feel like a robot or a puppet and the puppetmaster, pulling my own strings and emoting the way i feel i should but it's all fake and acted

and girl this ain't my first rodeo. i've been here so many times, in this exact headspace. i know i'm not gonna kill myself because of this even though i still think about doing that most days - but I mean, I think about killing myself even during my best times. it's more of a habit, an innate reaction, at this point than any serious desire. but flirting with self destruction once more.... it's nice and familiar and warm. old friend welcoming me back. saying "i missed you too"

[threeunrelateddescriptors]

It's been a day.

It started with my 10am student arriving at 9am. They texted "we're here!" I texted "I have you on for 10am, give me 5min" And so I stopped buttering my toast, ran to put on pants, asked my flatmate to turn off the stove where my, and was ready for my student at 9:02am. The biggest saving grace was that it was a lesson at my flat, rather than at the space I rent (20-25min away, depending on traffic).

They apologized, and I told them it was fine a) because it was [they had a brainfart shit happens and I had semi predicted this would happen so mentally I was slightly prepared] and b) I didn't have another student scheduled so it worked out.

Got a laundry done.

Then it was time for my covid+flu vax appt. I expect to feel like shit. That's how all the previous shots have gone. I get a fever and feel painful and achy. I get exhausted. So far, nada. But that won't last. Lovely if it does, but I prepared my entire Tomorrow for Feeling Like Shit (tm).

Which brings me to something tangentially related that might prove interesting/helpful to others.

Lately (past year or so), I feel I've physically taken a decline. I can't precisely pinpoint how, but vague ~*things*~ which I'd be hard-pressed to go to a doctor and say "I have a vague constellation of inconsistent shit happening that I can't quite tell you where the issue is but I definitely have an issue; do tests and diagnose this and please do not dare tell me it's You're Getting Older disease"

So in light of not being able to determine at least one thing to point to, I've just been sitting in my incrementally failing body. The path of least resistance. I am a huge fan of the path of least resistance. I jellyfish my way through life, and it seems to really work for me.

But, here's where I come back around to vaccines and such.

When I was younger, I learned a fun fact about my body: If I am fighting a virus/infection/whatever, and I get a fever, and my fever goes above 104F, I fight that shit off but my immune system trips a wire and goes into overdrive.

It decides, for shits and giggles, that there must still be a threat. Usually that threat is All Of My Joints. It's like temporary rheumatoid arthritis or something. It can last months.

When it first happened, we had no clue what was going on. We went to doctor after doctor and no one could figure out what was doing and why I had suddenly developed arthritis. Clearly, I was making it up to avoid going to school or whatever.

Then I complained of night sweats and my parent, on the very off-chance, took me for a TB titer. Just to make sure I hadn't managed to contract TB.

I hadn't. But the horrid joint pain? Disappeared. Like...in a day of getting the TB titer.

My parent saw this and went "huh." and filed it away in their brain. I did no such thing because I was not mentally in a place to do that.

The second time this Fever-induced Auto-immune Response thing was triggered, we went to doctors, I was in pain for months. Blah blah.

See, we still hadn't fully put together that the fever (or, a fever going to 104F) was the causal event. Why would we? It seems clear now, but I had a high-as-fuck fever because my body was fighting off Terrible Things. So maybe it was lingering Terrible Things.

Well, we finally got a doctor who 1) believed us and 2) found that every one of my joints was impacted. I had only been complaining about one set of joints because it was the most terrible. [Kind of how if you stub your toe and then someone slams a car door on your hand, it's likely you don't feel your stubbed toe quite as bad.] The doctor didn't know what to do with me, but in finding this determined that it sure sounded like an autoimmune response.

Cue my parent going "Oh fuck me, Bee Sting Therapy" My parent has a broad range of odd knowledge. One of which is alternative and traditional medicines. Apparently, it is a thing to have a bee sting someone who is having joint pain. Don't ask, I don't know.

So, my parent carts me off to the general doctor, says "kid has night sweats (I was not), I want a TB titer to rule-out TB" and doctor went 'sure'

I was given a TB titer. I do not have TB. What I do have is a fucky immune system who can be easily distracted. What my parent figured out was that the fever did something like fucked an auto-shutdown procedure after the initial threat was eliminated. So they introduced a (controlled) threat (TB titer).

My immune system immediately turned its attention to this New Horsehit and "eliminated it" (it's a TB titer y'all, there's no threat). And so it said "Good job everyone, back to bed, our work here is done."

And that is why I am somewhat hopeful these vaccines will address at least some of the decline I feel I've been experiencing.

The End.

[tolerateit]

Put this down as the fastest this government has agreed on anything. It only took a day, and they agreed to change the laws to get off easy despite cancer patients dying from the shit they've been pulling. It's basically a two party system but both parties are two sides of the same coin, so they gotta protect each other at the expense of the rest of the country and its citizens.

Anyway, I'm so so so sick of this and all the other updates I've shared with you so I'm just gonna say it, this is MK. In a European shithole that's been trying to join the EU for like two decades now. Funny, right? The EU has laws and regulations and shit like this will (hopefully?) not fly. I think changing this law might be the last straw, so they can make the last necessary changes to the constitution next year after elections and we can finally join. Hundreds of thousands have been migrating away in the last decade because it's such a shithole. The moment we join, this place will pretty much empty out and honestly, it's what these politicians deserve. Not to have anyone even picking up their shit. Literally. Should hopefully happen in a few more years although at this rate, everyone might leave even before then.

TO THINK I used to dream about working in politics and diplomacy and fixing this country up! And pursuing world fucking peace?! You know what I had back then? The audacity lmao

I grew up and realized I don't wanna ass kiss any one of these rotten walnuts for brains to do anything in life, and I certainly don't want to take part in their various criminal activities (which are mandatory if you do join, and joining is mandatory to get pretty much any job here. Or even open up your own business, because they'll find a way to shut you down if you don't help them out in whatever way they see fit).

Like, can you even grasp that I only have digestive issues with the dairy products here, but I'm perfectly fine whenever I consume any of them outside of the country? I certainly can't, like what's the difference? what are they putting in it here that's making me ill? God knows what's in the rest of the food at this point.

I made a meme a few years ago, we had our own situation of a model on stage saying the country's name in a funny way like that girl did with France. I saved a screenshot of it and captioned it with the name and everything because it was funny. I've now been using it as a reaction pic on a daily basis. Any time anyone tells me anything negative, I'm like, you know what, yes that sucks, but you know what else? That's just how things are here and nothing and no one can change them, and then show them the meme. At least it gets a smile in any shitty situation.

I was wondering why it's this specific event that's triggered me so much and I found out after hearing the news about the law. My husband's been having health issues all year. It took over 30 doctors and exams and god knows what else just to get an official diagnosis. A bunch of devices for exams haven't been working for months, all across the country no less, so you gotta pay out of pocket at a private clinic that has a working one. All this because most of the good doctors have already left. And you also gotta pay out of pocket at those private clinics to talk to doctors now too, because if there are any good ones left, they're working there because it's less stressful and operates better post covid. And pays a bit more, but mostly it functions better. Thank god we've been able to afford it (freelance ftw!) There were three good ones in that process: the one that recommended the last one, an unrelated one that said your issues aren't from this organ, you can be 100% sure of that, and that last one that gave the diagnosis. And we know it's correct because I haven't seen a single complaint about that doctor on any forum. I don't think all the others we went to really even have brains, someone must have finished their schools for them given what they said and recommended. And I know that much with my degree in English. But imagine being so horrible that you literally let patients die so you can make more money?! When most of them are already poor so they resort to selling everything they own just for the chance to spend more time with their loved ones?! And you're already in one of the highest paid fields here?! On top of everything, people can't even speak up or out about it because corruption and politics run so deep they immediately threaten job loss for you and your family too. I wanna set this place on [redacted] and watch the aftermath calmly as they did to a makeshift covid hospital a couple of years ago. And I mean that literally. That's a whole other story where "no one is at fault" because they can play it that way.

God I hope this is the last time I send you one of these. But I already read some superficial reports earlier today of new fucked up issues being uncovered so I guess no dice. I hope someone protects the journalists, if this keeps going on they'll have it worse because evidence shows these politicians aren't above literal murder to get their way.

sorry for clogging up your ask box with all this, and as I always appreciate you for listening <3

you don't have to apologize at all, it is of course infuriating that these things continue to happen all across the world but it is so important that people stay angry about them! And talk about them!!! Health especially is such an important domain to navigate because it puts SO MANY lives at risk I hate that this is happening

[homosociallyyours]

i was too shy to ask for more than one so 17 as well if you'd like !!! 🌸

Thank you for this question and your other!! I love answering them :)

17) Talk to me about the minutiae of your current WIP. Tell me about the lore, the history, the detail, the things that won't make it into the text.

This is a perfect question to answer before trying to wrap up my WIP!! But I'm gonna put it behind a cut bc it's publishing in a week and some people don't love a spoiler, which I guess this will be full of!

My current WIP is labeled "filth" but I've been calling it the cabin fic. I believe the initial idea came to me when, during Covid lockdown, Harry went out dirtbiking with Rande Gerber. I made a joke with a friend (Jen) about Harry probably getting daddy vibes from him and enjoying a flirtatious dynamic along those lines. At one point I think I spun out a little plot about them hooking up while camping in rural Canada, so the thought was there but I hadn't really done much with it.

BUT THEN!!!

There was a new season of RHOBH and a photoshoot with Lisa Rinna and her husband, Harry Hamlin, where they were truly just putting out the MOST lez-ish vibes imaginable to me, and I fell down a little hole of thinking of Harry Hamlin as a dreamy soft butch. I believe it was also during that season that we learned that Harry gets acrylic nails on one hand so that he can play guitar. AND Lisa shared a pic from the Gerber Halloween party.

It is well known that Harry Hamlin frequently goes to Canada to solo camp in the woods, like absolute outdoorsman shit, but my brain said OH HO HO

what if...Harry Hamlin and Rande Gerber go off to the Canadian woods to fuck and feast for a few weeks each year, getting away from their beloved wives in a very consensual open relationship sort of way? And WHAT IF Rande invited young Harry along? AND?? WHAT IF???

So basically the plot of this fic-- a PWP, which is something I'm typically very uncomfortable writing, hence this fic has sat partially written for YEARS --is that Harry has a fantasy of being involved in a threesome with Rande and Harry Hamlin, the details of which he's discussed with Louis. Louis decides to take a shot at making the fantasy come true, and everyone is game so it happens.

When I say Harry's discussed the details of his fantasy, I actually mean that Louis has pulled it out of him, teased him with it, and turned it into such a thing for Harry that it's basically a trigger to turn him on. Louis is absolutely Harry's Daddy in this scenario (though to be clear they are sexually verse) and as such he's done a lot of groundwork behind the scenes to get everyone up to speed on what can go down in the scene.

When Harry calls him with the excited play-by-play the next day, Louis is literally ticking off a mental checklist that will determine how he feels about future sexual encounters between Harry and Rande/Harry Hamlin. It's certainly not covered in the fic, but they hit most of the boxes and both Harry and Louis are eager for the three way adventures to continue.

OH, also for the first time ever I felt like I needed to do actual porn research in order to write one of the sex acts in the fic, so that was really new for me. Also it felt SO silly going to look up porn for something that, while interesting generally, doesn't actually feel particularly hot to me. Hopefully it's hot to a reader, though, because. Well. I'm writing it!

I HAVE SAID SO MUCH but the question was about minutiae and that's what I gave!! Now I'm ready to dive back into writing (and hopefully finishing) this fic!!

[flyingcookierambles]

Lol random ramble thought you can ignore lol

I totally can't relate to normies at all. I was reading some articles on like. How covid made people touch starved or whatever. And I'm like. Over here. Socially anxious introvert acearo touch averse. Lockdown was like heaven for me ngl lol. Not being touched for a few months? Cope weakling extroverts lol. I haven't had a hug or any kind of touch in years it's totally fine lol (OK the only person I hug is my grandma when she leaves holiday parties since she's a nice old lady who's like 86 or something but that's like a few times a year). Even one op Ed article was talking about going back to clubs and parties bc they were touch starved once the vaccine was out (2021 I think it was published?) despite the covid risks since again this article came out back when the vaccine was still relatively new and all. Bruh, that was so irresponsible (and still is imho) what the heck and people are praising this?????

Blllluh I don't understand extrovert normies who couldn't just not have irresponsible parties and stuff in the 2020-2021 time.

Anyways random memory time but I think the first and only time I held hands (like. Extremely lewd handholding. The most lewd finger interlacing kind) with someone who wasn't a family member was with this childhood friend dude that rode the bus with me in middle school. We got off the bus and were walking to our parents and my friend just took and held my hand. It was OK I guess? Nothing too weird (plus I think my touch averse stuff kicks in with other parts of my body tbh. I feel like hand holding would be tolerable/it doesnt trigger me i guess but also i have a very low sample size of 1 occurence?) so i didnt pull away at the time. Then 3 older girls in 8th grade who were walking behind us and saw this lewdest kind of handholding (I think we were in 5th or 6th grade) made it weird when they started singing that (name spelling) kissing in a tree song and he didn't like it and pulled away from me. Ironically this guy (no longer friends per say. Nothing bad, no arguments happened or anything, the school district just changed how the bus routes were and we didn't share a bus anymore + we gradually moved to different hobbies and friend groups in 7th - 12th grade so we drifted apart naturally as time passed le shrug) came out as gay at some point in high school (I don't know when since again we didn't talk to each other and still don't talk even though our moms are friends and send each other christmas cards). Also, also funny and disappointing. So. This guy is a nurse now and at the time was still in college maybe residency or pre med or something and working at one of the big hospitals. So. For spring break 2021 i think. According to what my mom heard for his mom or my sister via facebook gossip in our town. My friend went to a Florida nightclub or something for spring break and got covid. And his family has to quarantine and everything and his mom was telling people that he got it from his *noble selfless work at the hospital* for his medical/nursing degree/internship/whatever. And it was just like. A guy who really should've known better as a Frontline worker. Decided to go to a nightclub in 2021. In FLORIDA. Lmao. (To the like. One or two of my high school friends still on tumblr that also I know lurks and looks at this weird side ramble blog (looking at you you shigaraki simp!! You know who you are >:]]]]] ) if you're thinking it was our classmate who played hockey. Yes. It was that guy. Maybe you already knew this silly gossip from our small town grapevine or high school facebook reunion page or whatever idk how ppl still talk to former high school classmates or whatever but anyways. Lol)

[my-ocdemons]

Okay this is my second time typing this BC I accidentally posted to my main.

...

This is hard to write because my OCD makes me type things over and over again so pardon and typos or nonsensical rambling.

My OCD started quite young (5-7), when I was fearful of contaminating the house with germs from object, animals and people. This resulted in excessive hand washing. My parents didn't notice at this time and it was livable.

My OCD got much worse during highschool though and my parents noticed, especially when the washing instensified. I started to wash everything, my books, my computer, my bed, my pens, my clothes (and not the normal way the paper towels and water way). This continued at a stagnant severity until covid and and the following lockdown.

Initially I thought it was great. My washing was finally justified. I could avoid all the major triggers for my OCD by staying inside. I was enjoying myself. Until eventually I couldnt step over cracks one day. It was a ritual that was present all throughout lockdown, but got much worse eventually. When it was less about object contaminating things, but my thoughts.

Soon I couldnt cross any doorway without going back and forth for an hour and i couldn't cross the front door at all so my parents had to carry me ಠ⁠︵⁠ಠ . At this point I was zooming with my first therapist who did nothing really other than zoom me every fortnight and mansplain anxiety to me.

So, switched her out and got another one.

By the time of my first appointment with my second therapist covid restrictions were easing up. I though she was cool because she had a therapy cat and I'm a sucker for lil bundles of fluff. But she put me on meds, which wouldn't have been an issue if she had have actually done some work with me on top of that, instead, everytime I went to her she simply said to wait for the meds to kick in and it would be marvellous if there was a little tablet that would take this away from me but alas, nope. Stayed with her and then I was sent to headspace (side note: headspace did nothing themselves, like completely useless) who redirected me to NECAHMS. Then I met the first good therapist I've had, Dr Vader, she actually seemed to care when I told her what was going on, by this time I had gotten over a few of my rituals myself, but with her support I could actually leave my own house without being carried.

Now, you may be wondering why I have dubbed her Dr Vader, well, it's because like most father's she left me. She got a new role in the office and couldn't keep seeing me. I felt a bit shoved aside but oh well, what can you do. Then I got directed to my current therapist who is lovely. We've done some actual talking, she helped me understand my OCD and also wants to bring my parents in to be better supports. I've learned to think of my OCD in a new way and it's still debilitating, but there's hope now.

Sometimes... I lied... Alot of the time a get sad knowing that this will never truly be gone, but at least it might be manageable...

Who knows.

[kittykatinabag]

Some not-so-late musings from the me who is procrastinating on doing the work that's already late but she's also a little sick (not covid I took a test and was surprised at the negative result) so she's justifying not doing anything because of that because she never got a sick day off when she was a kid because her mother believed that if you're not actively throwing up or unable to stand you can go to school and achieve things.

So 9 years ago in the last four months of the year of 2013, I lived for the first time away from my family unit for my first semester of undergrad. I happened to be in a program that sent a bunch of freshmen to various places in the world for their first semester in exchange for a slightly higher tuition rate for the semester and admission to a school we wouldn't have gotten into otherwise. I chose to go to London.

It was probably the best decision of my life at that point. Sure, it led to a lot of bad decisions later down the line, but those 4 months were one of the greatest experiences I had, and I still look back at most of those times very fondly. London became a home for me, a place where I felt welcome, even if the British are a bit rough around the edges sometimes. Perhaps that was just my naivety speaking, considering the times I weren't in my bubble of school mates, I was usually alone and not really interacting beyond a brief moment. But I love it in that city, even when I went back in 2017 for a little less than a week, it felt like I was coming back to a place where I could settle my nerves after what was a very stressful 3 months at the job I had back in the latter part of 2017.

I've been here in Dublin for the same amount of time (give or take a week or two) as I was in London back all those years ago. But I don't feel as attached to this city. I haven't really even seen a lot of the city. Yes, I'm living a lot further from the city center than I was 9 years ago, but I'm also a much more capable person at 27 than I was at 18. And transport options beyond public transit are a lot better now than they were back in 2013 (or at least I have the money to use them now). But Dublin isn't really home for me.

I think its a variety of reasons. Being further from the city center and having to rely on buses to get most places rather than trains is definitely a factor. My school work is a lot harder due to it being a Master's degree rather than just one semester of a Bachelor. Not to mention for my Master's, once I finish these now late projects, I'm halfway done with class modules and then I'll have a summer to finish my thesis. (Its very quick and I am not really keeping up but that's okay.)

But I think the biggest factor is that my mental health is in a different state now than it was back then. In both better and worse ways. I'm more confident, more able to deal with things, and know a fair amount of what triggers me. But I'm also way more traumatized. More afraid of not being able to support myself here because it means I'd have to go back to places where I might be put in similar situations as I had been in the nearer past that drove me to some of my lowest points. More aware of the consequences and effects of the events in my past have had on me. Better at pattern recognition of things that hurt me in the past, but not being able to find a solution beyond 'Escape and Do Something Else.'

I'm happy I came here to Dublin. This graduate program is hard, but interesting and at least fulfilling some of what I've been searching for. But I can't say I'm not a little disappointed that I haven't been able to see Dublin as one of my homes the same way I see London as one of my homes. But I'm not 18 anymore and I've seen a lot more places and ways of living than she had. Perhaps if the UK doesn't explode due to the ever-rotating cast of prime ministers, I'll consider doing a PhD or trying to find a job that won't want to make me kill myself in London and fulfil one of those dreams that I had written down back then about living in London at least semi-permanently.

[dower]

Well that went quickly. 2022, I mean

Another year and I’m still here. Although it might have been different.

The year started well, COVID was behind us and most of the world was opening up. Everything was jolly and much optimism pervaded our lives. It was, sadly, too good to be true.

Putin-cock invaded Ukraine triggering a slow-down that exacerbated China’s bigger economic woes brought on by a draconian zero-COVID policy that would remain hard and fast until a dramatic policy u-turn driven mostly by internal Chinese pressure during the December World Cup in Qatar.

The stock markets had already started to wobble in Q1, and by the time Russian tanks were being picked off in central Ukraine, it has turned into an angry bear, particularly around tech stocks that would end up falling 25% vs the general market which fell less than 10%. Oh well, investment is a long game and I hadn’t plan to retire until deep into the 2030s so plenty of time to stage a recovery. Still, not pleasant seeing whole baskets of funds shedding thousands in value every week. The flip side of a very strong 2021.

Early March saw me have a major health moment. Two TIAs within an hour and then a full blown stroke whilst admitted to hospital. Quite a shocker and left me temporarily paralysed on my left side. I was released after a week in Royal Calderdale and spent (still spending) a gruesome physio routine to recover lost motor skills, mobility, and strength.

Even as I write this in December, I am not back to normal with slight left-sided weakness and less than perfect coordination. But, silver linings and all that; I quit drinking entirely for 3 months, lost 1.5 stone, and became more empathetic and attuned to me aging.

To pile disability on disease, my left knee rear cartilage finally gave up ghost. Its bone on bone now from here on in with knee replacement mostly off the cards due to no ACL. I just plain worn or broken that part of my body to such an extent that I’ll likely never run, jump or walk distance again. Ho hum, I have enjoyed wearing it out so as I creep towards 60 It’s no great loss. It’s a fair trade.

Summer started early, from April through September I lived in our back garden, revelling in good weather, music, and feeling alive. Summer was full of gigs, too many to mention.

Dexter turned two at the end of October, jeez time sure flies, and Shannon buys her first house just 5 mins away from us. Sixty years old seems pretty close, yet aside from a worn-out body, I’m feeling young at heart.

As part of my stroke recovery I discovered pilates, which I now spend a few hours a week stretching, lifting, and reaching my way to better bodily posture, stronger core and improved cardiovascular function (55 bpm at rest, natch).

Work got scaled back in March and has broadly stayed at that lower intensity ever since. I actually work 10 to 20 hours a week, but spend twice that again learning/reading/exploring as I fight against the relentless slide into irrelevance. I bought a sit-stand desk and got rid of my leather armchair. Finally.

[m1smatched-starsigns]

My father was in the military so even though I have always had a very strong bond to my mother’s side of the family, we moved a lot when I was a child and we never lived close to her family. When his contract ended we moved five minutes away from all of her family, and I swore that I would never move again. I loved my town, loved my state, loved the friends I had made over the last decade, but more than anything else I loved my family. 

Then I met my husband. I have never loved anyone like I love him. We would do anything for each other. Less than a year after we married, we made the difficult decision to move to his hometown- 6 hours away from mine. There were several reasons why, and they were all for our benefit. I knew this, know this. It does not change the fact that for nearly three years, I have been homesick. 

I see my family often, all things considered; once a month, maybe once every other month. They’re good about driving to meet us, too. I talk to a lot of them several times a week. We stay updated and connected to each other on social media. Most of the time it still does not feel like enough. My husband has seen me struggle with depression and extreme loneliness these last three years; two weeks after we moved states is when the entire country went into the first COVID-19 lockdown and it was impossible to meet new people, even our neighbors. He has admitted to me several times that he feels like he ruined my life by us moving states, even though it was my decision to make, and I stand by the fact that it was the best decision for us. I’ve never wavered on that. I’ve just had to deal with the emotional consequences. 

Like I said, I still see my family as often as I am able to, and my husband has never held me back. I’ve developed a bond with his family, who we now live five minutes away from. I have a new job that I love, I’ve finally made new friends; I’m even going out with some of them tonight to celebrate a birthday. 

I am still homesick. If I weren’t such a practical thinker, I would move back ‘home’ today. If the cons didn’t outweigh the pros I would have moved back three years ago. And as ashamed as I am to admit this to myself, there have been days when I’ve been so miserable that I thought I could move even if my husband didn’t come with me. I miss my family, my hometown. I’ve missed so many huge milestones; birthdays, cousins being born, cousins graduating, two of my youngest brothers are about to graduate high school and I’ve never had the chance to go to one of their band concerts, which they’re very both passionate about. Even though no one has ever called me these things, I have felt like a terrible daughter, a terrible sister, a terrible cousin, a terrible friend. And then on the days when I think that I’m so homesick that I could move back without my husband, I feel like a terrible partner.

And so right now I can relate to Graystripe move than almost any other character, because I fully understand being so homesick that I could abandoned people who I should not be able to even fathom living without. Right now I can say that I will never make the same decision, but our circumstances are also very different, as are our societies. 

But I can understand the want. I can understand the depression, the loneliness, the constant ‘did I make the right decision?’. I can understand wanting to follow your heart but which side of your heart do you follow because it’s being torn in two? You can’t have both so which side can you truly not live without? Which side is best for you? Which side is best for your children, who will be well-loved and protected with or without you? 

I get it. I also get why Graystripe is a sometimes controversial and triggering character. And I don’t love every aspect of his story, I don’t love that he went on to become Firestar’s deputy, I don’t love a lot of his choices or reactions. But at least when he is in RiverClan to be with his kits but he wants to return to ThunderClan to be with his best friend and his family, a family he never considered leaving until tragedy struck... that hits hard for me. And I get it.

Anyway feel free to tell me the character that you most relate to, whether it’s a popular choice or not lol. anon asks are turned on!

That awkward moment when you’re doing some serious self-reflection and you realize that the character you most relate to rn is Graystripe.

So. If y’all see me publish another long one-shot and it’s Graystripe-centric, mind your business. It’s called coping.