#more negative thought spirals

[md3artjournal]

I don't know what it is that makes me feel such internal resistance to studying illustration fundamentals. But I feel it deep in my gut, each and every time.

. I know I have to study the fundamentals. But I'm SO bad at it. Not just the results. But every time I force myself to do it, I become so intensely irate, I'm grouchy towards everyone around me. It doesn't matter if they're my favorite people and I don't get to see them often. If I'm studying illustration fundamentals, I am a complete asshole to be around. I just start attacking anything around me. It's horrible.

. I began to think that maybe I just don't like drawing. I thought maybe I enjoyed having completed an illustration, more than the process of drawing. Which sucked, because there are so many mediums of art where I LOVE the process, even the hard parts. I can pull multiple all-nighters, ignoring proper nourishment for days, and enjoy completely focusing on writing. I feel the same about crafting, carving, sculpting, blockprinting, and so many other mediums. But drawing…it was just frustration. I really started to believe maybe I didn't actually like drawing. I told my sister that I didn't like drawing; just having drawn.

. But then I stopped drawing for a while. And eventually, I got this itch in my hands. Something that even just moving vector shapes around in digital art programs couldn't scratch. I was completing 2D visual art, and yet it didn't feel the same. I was missing drawing. I knew it, when I gradually returned to drawing, and just the simple friction of pen against paper finally made my hands feel better. That itch was finally scratched. Ever since I told my sister that I didn't like drawing, but instead only enjoyed having drawn, I kept paying attention to how I felt when I drew and when I didn't. And it became clear that whenever I didn't draw, I felt terrible. I needed to draw every day. Even if it was just doodling.

. But why couldn't I just hunker down and study drawing fundamentals? Why did it make me feel so intensely irritated??? I remembered a stand up comedian who equated the jitteriness of the withdrawal from quitting smoking, with the irritation at trying to floss one's teeth daily. That's what I felt about studying drawing fundamentals: I was jittery. I was irate and jittery.

. In the end, I feel like I never learned illustration fundamentals, and maybe I never will. So instead, I doodle. And honestly, the times when I finish drawings and draw everyday, even though my skill level is at "doodling", whenever I keep it up, I end up more confident about drawing and able to draw more. When I doodled daily, even if I demonstrated no concept of perspective, volume, anatomy, etc., as long as I was expressing myself daily and completing drawings daily, I felt better about myself. I wasn't so afraid to pick up a pen, whenever I had a concept. I wasn't so afraid of completing a concept that I wouldn't start. I completed comics and improved my skill---first, by improving my speed at doodles that used to take me forever. Then, by being less afraid to tackle things that challenged me. I could see and feel that I was improving. …Yet, it was clear that compared to anyone else online, I didn't know how to draw and all my drawings were trash---to everyone except me. I could objectively call my drawings---even the ones I was proud of, that expanded my skill levels---objectively bad. Objectively terrible. But I'm sentimental, so they were precious to me. But no matter how proud I am of myself for improving past the me from yesterday, it wasn't professionally competitive. And art is the only job I can try for.

. I have an actual 4-year degree in art, and yet I feel like saying "I didn't learn anything", because I still feel like I can't draw. Whenever I get jittery and irate at the idea of studying fundamentals, the belligerent part of my mind wants to blame my art school for not actually teaching me how to draw. For just plopping me in front of models for 3 hours, half the week, and telling me to draw, without being specific. But in reality, I do feel like I learned a lot from my art degree. Without it, I never would have learned to think outside of my imagined restrictions. I wouldn't have learned how to think critically and for myself, to become a person more than what authority figures in my life told me to. And I did pick up a few things about how to draw, even if I don't feel equipped to draw without a model or to draw concepts I've imagined.

. Maybe I can't draw commissions, can't viably compete in artist alley, and am too cornered by my social anxiety to get any other career outside of art. But I think I have to stay here. It'd be one thing, if I had all the common sense and social skills of a normal person, who could fall back on any service job. But I don't have all those normal people skills. Even more fundamentals that I don't have. That's why it's so important that I gain drawing fundamentals, so I can be competitive as an illustration artist. I would prefer to do more 3-dimensional art, since I enjoy doing that more. But 2D art is where the outsourcing is set up to make being an artist easier. 2D artists can take commissions online and could even sell non-physical art during the pandemic. 2D artists can send a file to a printer and instantly get 20 copies of each artwork, restocked, before a convention, within 1-2 weeks. That scenario was a nightmare, as a sculptor, each and every time. Not to mention that 2D artists can restock without the physical pain of recreating each piece from scratch. I dunno… Either I need to get better at 2D art or find a way to make 3D art work towards making money, without destroying my back/neck. But every time I even think about studying fundamentals, I just don't have faith that I could improve my drawing skills.

[elftwink]

have to work on a project today and an unrelated thing happened that just made me so so so so so mad (just some irl personal stuff), which normally derails my entire day because i find it so hard to come out of the angry/upset state and tend to just circle back and obsess over whatever triggered it but! today after 20 minutes of that i had a council meeting about it (<- what i call my decision making process) the outcome of which was putting it aside (!!!) for later when i could actually talk about it and resolve it (!!!) & in the meantime we could just do other stuff.

local man exuberant and jubilated to achieve feats of basic emotional self-regulation and was seen excitedly telling reporters he "never thought this day would come" and began giving a thank you speech to nobody in particular. more on this story as it develops

[serendark]

.

[mantisgodsdomain]

Our apologies if we're... inconsistent in the next little bit. If you'll allow us to be briefly negative, the 3DS/WiiU online services shutdown is... hitting us, with the abrupt GRIEF of something that was loved and cherished and cared for being abruptly... shut down, just like that. Features taken out forever. Parts of games that could have been loved for years to come simply being... gone. An axe that, unlike with older games, CAN'T simply be recovered from, except with infrastructure. Communication between games lost forever. A whole link in things gone, with a lifespan of barely more than twelve years.

It's...

We enjoy the Pokemon games. If we were to start a trade between two GBA Emerald cartridges nowadays, provided we tracked down the hardware, it could still be done. Nothing is lost of communication features. Platinum is a full game without the wifi features, albeit missing a few trade evolutions, and if you have a wifi router with antiquated enough settings, you can still transfer your pokemon forward to Gen 5. Black and White lose few features and can be played in full without hurting too much. With the 3ds...

Pokemon Bank being shut down means no more transfers to future games. A guillotine to transferring beloved Pokemon forward, with no real remedy. ORAS's secret bases rely on passively collecting data from other participants to function. Hacking 3DS games is already difficult, and we doubt that reverse engineering parts of infrastructure that are simply gone will be easy. Maybe it's just other things fucking with us, and we're definitely being a bit dramatic, but... the eShop shutdown already cut off massive amounts of previously playable games. Who will archive online features? Who will archive the things that require connective infrastructure? As things grow more complicated, they grow more difficult to repair. How long before it becomes impossible to replace that which once was?

Twelve years feels like a horribly short lifespan for any technology, and things keep trending worse - making things faster and faster and more and more rushed as the structures they're built on require more and more work. This isn't sustainable. This can't keep going. This market is running faster than we can handle, and it feels like it's only getting faster. Modern things keep being discarded the moment they aren't shiny and new, keep leaning more and more on communication and intercommunication and infrastructure that will rot the moment it isn't actively attended to. How much worse will it be for future things?

There is a game on our computer, fully installed. No online features at all. Yet, it cannot be played. It was made with AOV to prevent piracy, and the servers it was meant to connect to no longer exist.

We don't want more games to be made the same way. But we don't think that this road branches anywhere but an awful demise, approaching faster and faster by the day.

[mitamicah]

Everything seemed great until the dread attacked

[dewgongs]

"im not going to call you by your pronouns or your name im going to pick a name for you" alongside the venus symbol ... god radfems are so psychotic irs not even funny like be forreal for a second . did you ever have a time in ur life where youve ever literally ever had to do something you dont want to do. or are you just one of those people who cant stop throwing temper tantrums and flinging shit around whenever something doesnt go your way... ??? imagine this kind of behavior in real life like the sort of antisocial traits a lot of terfs exhibit is just sososo insane to me and they never take a time to reflect on it and reflect on how and why theyve come to hate such a small subject of the population... its actually mental illness like idk what else or how else to say like i just think these people arent all there. even thinking in terms of like... okay. imagine theres no trans person there (usually there isnt, a lot of these people hallucinate and get to the final stage of transphobia which is transvestigations) and youre just yelling and saying this in a towns square or something. please tell me if you really genuinely think people would think youre normal in any way. like step back for a second and stop thinking about trans people for once, imagine how this looks towards someone completely uninitiated. like come on bro please snap out of this radical fundamentalist haze you are in you have to snap out of it you have to. please snap out of it. WAKE UPPP

[floatingmoonlightcity]

you have a personality disorder. one that specifically affects the way you think and react. one that specifically makes you hypersensitive to otherwise insignificant things. You do remember that right. You do remember that you will exhibit symptoms of said disorder and that you can't magically make them disappear just to be a "better friend", right. right?

[peapod20001]

Bro did I just stay awake all fucking night

[painsandconfusion]

Writers, here’s your reminder that you should be doing warm-ups!

Athletes need to warm up. Musicians need to warm up. Artists need to warm up. Heck, I even have to play a few matches in video games before I get into a groove every day.

Warm-ups help you get into the right headspace, give you more control of your actions and word choice, get you comfortable in your physical setting (eg: with your keyboard, notebook, tablet, or whatever you're writing with), and spark creativity.

Even if you don’t think you have spoons to write, sit down and do a couple warm-ups. If you still don’t want to, that’s alright. But. I think you’ll be surprised how often they help break that ice.

5-15 minutes is all you need. I personally set a timer for ten minutes each time and do not stop writing until the time is up. Your warm-up can be anything at all so long as it gets you writing and starts nudging those creative juices.

Here's some common warm-ups:

Journaling. Just jot down some notes about your day. Feel free to really lean into something that you noticed. We're going for description and details -- try to avoid settling into a spiral or focusing on something negative that will upset your creativity.

Short story prompts. Type that into Pinterest and pick the most ridiculous, cliche thing you can. Write a little scene, story summary, or even a rant about why you do or don't like the prompt. Just write.

Vocab challenge. If you like a bit more critical thinking to get you in the zone, have a random vocabulary word generator spit out five or so words. Check their meanings and jot down a little story or thought that includes all five. You get more familiar with beautiful and descriptive language, and it gives you a much narrowed prompt (which is lovely if you're like me and suffer each time there's an open-ended task assigned).

Character moments. Try putting your character into a generic setting and write down almost meticulously what their thought process would be. Follow them realizing they've just stepped in mud or dreading the start of the day. Pick a mundane thing and describe them working through it. This will not only get your writing going, but it will wake up the character's voice in your head.

Ongoing storytelling. Did you know that Whinnie the Poo was A.A. Milne's warm up story? He would jot down a quick little story with those very basic characters and did so every day. Whatever came to mind. He kept writing little tidbits on the same characters and eventually it turned into a series. Having that ongoing plot with isolated scenes and simple characters can help you feel more motivated to sit down and write.

Get-to-know-you-questions. Google a list of basic first-date questions (there are a million out there) and answer one yourself. Go into specifics. Where do you most want to travel and why? Let yourself ramble until the question is fully answered.

Writer's block blues. This is a favorite of mine. If you're truly stuck, write about being stuck. Eg: 'I'm supposed to write for ten minutse, but that feels so stupid and impossible. No one is goign to read this anyway. I have no ideas and the page is so overwhelming when its blank. I used to be able to write on and on and nothing could stop me. it was like breathing. but now I have nothign and do nothing and I can't even do a stupid prompt-' Even the rambling and ranting got me writing. It made things easier. It made writing this post easier. Also -- notice the typos? Yeah, don't fix those. You're in writing mode, not editing mode when you're doing this. If you edit while you write, you're forcing yourself to stay in your executive and calculating headspace rather than falling fully into creativity and dream. Ignore the mistakes. That's for future you to handle.

I've officially rambled far too much, but I hope that helps even a little bit. Live well and write often, my friends. Best of luck to you <3

[chatonmagique]

I wish I could find more belonging and comfort in my own face when I see it reflected back at me. I wish I could smile at myself and think

"yea she's kind of fun, she is soft and radiating a genuine warmth"

"She's me but also my friend and she deserves to be taken care of"

"I see confidence and it makes her shine brighter"

I know it's what people who care more about me then I do would want. It's what I want.

[eufezco]

bucky's sexual drive had been in negative numbers for so long.

it might be because of the antidepressants his therapist was prescribing. he’d read the side effects on the label, and decreased libido had been listed there in tiny, as if it were just another minor inconvenience—like dry mouth or dizziness. but he couldn't complain about that because he needed those pills, as much as he tried to deny it. they kept away the nightmares, the spirals... but they also kept away everything else. the desire, the excitement, the flicker of interest when someone laughed at his dry humor or looked at him like he was something more than a ghost of the past.

it might be because of him. relationships required energy, patience, trust—and he was still working on having that with himself. some nights he wondered if under all the layers of trauma and cold metal there was still a part of him capable of wanting the way he used to, back when things were simpler. back when he was just bucky barnes, before the war, before hydra, before all of it.

but bucky rather think that it was because he never met anyone like you before. of course he had met cute girls. kind, smart, even a few who had given him that lingering glance that invited something more. but it never quite clicked. not in the way it should. not in the way that it used to.

you were all of that.

kind, smart, you matched his dry humor, laughed at his dark jokes because you knew that was his way of copying, and you laughed in a genuine way, not with the awkward politeness others gave him. you also didn’t shy away from the scars, you didn't stare at his metal arm and make him feel like a freak, like he was beyond repair. you didn’t flinch when your fingers brushed against his cold metal hand.

and you were beautiful and so sexy. was he allowed to think that? because, god help him, he did.

sam always told him that he had a staring problem but with you? bucky was pretty sure you could call the cops on him for how much he stared. it wasn’t intentional—at least, not at first. but then the wind would catch your skirt, revealing just a few more inches of your leg, or you’d push your hair behind your ear, exposing the soft skin of your neck, or bite your lip when you were deep in thought, and suddenly, he was gone, swallowing hard and forcing himself to look away before his thoughts could betray him any further.

after a long day, bucky let himself fall onto the bed.

the second he was alone, he let out a big huff and ran his hands over his face, like that would somehow erase the thoughts running wild in his head. it didn’t. nothing could. because you were still there, burned into his mind. the way you had looked this evening—the way you always looked—had him all kinds of messed up.

the entire town had gathered at the harbor to celebrate that the boat was finally restored, thanks to him and sam. it had been a good day, a rare kind of day where he felt normal, not a soldier, not a weapon. and, of course, you had been there.

bucky had tried—really tried—to focus on everything else: the music, the food, the way the people clapped him on the back like he belonged. and then you had hugged him, your arms wrapping around his shoulders like it was the most natural thing in the world. his hands found your hips. he felt the soft curve of you beneath his touch, he inhaled the faint scent of whatever perfume you always wore and his brain short-circuited.

now, in his bed—the one he had bought only because you told him he could no longer sleep on the floor—bucky rubbed his face, trying to calm himself. the heat crept up the back of his neck, spreading down his spine. hours later, he could still feel the shape of you against his hands, the way your body pressed tight against his. the knot low in his stomach twisted and he felt his pants get tighter. fuck, he mumbled to himself.

bucky took a breath through his nose and moved his hands to palm himself through his jeans. his breath hitched, he was already so hard it hurt. it was pathetic.

he should feel ashamed for letting you—the thought of you—completely unravel him. but he didn't because, goddamn, the way you had looked today, the way you had smiled at him, the way your dress hugged your body in all the right places… his fingers found the buckle of his belt, hesitating for only a second before undoing it. it was too much for a man who had spent so long pretending he didn’t want. pretending he didn’t need.

bucky lowered his zipper. god, would he even remember how to do this? he had tried before, he had let his hand wander, hoping that maybe he could feel something again. but it never worked. his body never responded the way it should, his mind too lost in thoughts. but this time, when he slipped his hand inside his underwear, he exhaled sharply as his fingers wrapped around himself, his head tipped back against the pillow and his chest rose and fell slowly.

his eyes closed shut. that way it was easy to remember you dancing as the sun went down, the way you moved your hips, completely unaware of what you were doing to him as he stood there, beer in hand, watching you with a hunger he barely understood, much less controlled. the way your lips had parted slightly when your gaze met his, like maybe you knew, like maybe you wanted him just as badly as he wanted you.

his hand moved up and down his length, slow and deliberate. he felt the thick vein beneath his fingers, the way he pulsed into the warmth of his own palm. bucky tried to breath through his nose to stay quiet, biting his lip down, but his mouth parted and a shaky moan slipped free as he gave in.

he imagined your hands on him instead of his own, your fingers tracing down his stomach and wrapping around him with a softness he hadn’t felt in years. he imagined your voice whispering his name like a prayer and what it would feel like to have your lips against his.

fuck, he was so sensitive. his hips lifted from the bed as his hand moved faster, his grip tightened and his breath came in sharp, uneven pants. his mind was completely lost in the pleasure, it had been decades since he had felt something like this. the years in hydra, the years in wakanda, the years he’d been blipped, he didn’t even think he’d have enough peace to search for pleasure.

but now you were in his life.

his hips continued lifting from the mattress, his body desperate for more. his muscles tensed, his stomach getting tight, tighter— his metal arm reached out blindly, grasping for something to quiet himself. his fingers found the pillow beside him, and he pulled it close, pressing it against his mouth in a desperate attempt to muffle his moans.

he was close. too close.

bucky squirmed on the bed, his body caught between the pleasure and the overwhelming sensitivity. his hips jerked as he attempted to escape his own hand, but his body had other plans—chasing the friction even as it made him shudder.

his head pressed back into the pillow, his entire body shaking as he came with a loud moan against the pillow, and the only name on his lips was yours.

the next few seconds, bucky tried to catch his breath. he dropped the pillow that he used to cover his mouth, his chest rose and fell slowly. he dragged his metal hand over his face, the other one still inside his jeans, fingers sticky. god, he came in his pants. he swallowed hard, his jaw clenching as he used his cold metal fingers so massage his temples.

even now, when his body still felt too sensitive, his mind still hazy—he couldn't stop thinking about you. with your laugh, your kindness, your stupid little smirk whenever you caught him staring—because sam was right, he did have a staring problem. but how could he not?

bucky let out a sharp breath and forced himself to move to clean up. he had no idea how the hell he was supposed to look you in the eyes tomorrow after your name broke from his lips when the first orgasm in years hit him.

[snail-day]

Rahhh I feel like a broken record saying this, but I just, ugh. Satoru is just such a yearner. Masks himself with smiles, pretending there’s nothing behind those pretty eyes. But really, he craves love. Craves it so deeply that the very act of being loved repulses him. It’s too much. He simply doesn't know what to do with it.

I just think Satoru in love is a mess, not in the way people expect. He’s not stammering over his words, not showing up at your door with hundreds of roses. He doesn’t have time for grand gestures like that.

He’s the type to stare at his phone longer than he should, the screen time stacking up in seconds. Just scrolling through your Instagram, pausing on that photo you always say you’re going to delete. He really wishes you wouldn’t because while you see imperfection, he sees someone who might as well have hung up the stars.

He’s the type to hover over his keyboard, those slender fingers typing and deleting the same message five times, wondering what would be too much. Would a heart emoji scare you off? Do you actually care about what he ate today?

Kicking his feet under the blankets, a few roll-arounds, when you text him “Goodnight” or “Good morning.” He bites down on a smile when you call first, just to tell him about a report or how your students are doing.

The Satoru with a crush: waking up earlier than necessary, neglecting the sleep his body begs for just to see if you’re online. If that typing bubble will pop up. If maybe - just maybe - you’re retyping too. If you crave him, even a fraction of the way he yearns for you.

He’s brushing his teeth at 7 a.m., frustrated, because you still haven’t texted. It’s only been two hours but it feels like forever. A foamy grin takes over his face when he sees the typing bubble. He checks, read receipts off. Just in case. He can't be caught looking desperate. Can't break down that wall just yet. Using his ego as a barrier to the real him.

Then the chime. Your message. Choking on toothpaste. Satoru has to pace his apartment like an idiot to calm down. A little circle around the coffee table, just to burn off the nerves. The soft patter of his giddy footsteps. Then he finally types back, “Good morning :)", though what he wants to say is “Did you sleep well?” or “Did you dream of me?”

And then, his smile falters. Do you think of him as Satoru, or as Gojo Satoru? Because there’s a difference. To mask the loneliness, swallowing the negative thoughts, he imagines you still curled up in bed, cheek smooshed into your pillow. Wonders how warm you’d be. If he were there, would you two stay wrapped up for an extra hour? Would you press a sleepy kiss to his cheek? Would you peck his face as many times as he would to yours?

When the silly little crush turns into something more - when it becomes a relationship.

Your mug sits next to his in the cabinet now. You brush your teeth together in the mornings. A playful nudge here and there. Giggling when he tries (and fails) to perfect an omelet. He makes character bentos for you on his day off, baby-blues crinkling with every smile.

And still - Satoru tries to play it cool. He wants to love you like a dog loves its favorite person, unconditionally, shamelessly, wholly. He wants to claim you as his and forget the rest of the world.

But he’s scared.

Scared that if he reaches too far, you won’t be there in the morning. That he’ll lose the luxury of placing his toothbrush next to yours. That there won’t be any more grocery trips where you both pause in the sweets aisle for far too long.

Scared you’ll pull away the second he starts reaching for miles instead of inches.

So he smiles. He jokes. Keeps the Gojo Satoru mask on. Because love is terrifying. It’s carving out your heart and handing it to someone, hoping they don’t drop it.

The first argument starts over something stupid. Most do. But it spirals. You don’t understand why he’s distant. Why he won’t let you all the way in. And he doesn’t know how to tell you that he’s terrified.

Because loving you means showing you the sharpest parts of himself. The ones buried behind smug grins and careless jokes. And he’s not sure you’ll still love him once you see them.

So he says something awful.

“Let’s break up.”

The words leave him in shards, clawing their way out of his throat. Words he doesn’t mean. A defense mechanism that works too well.

You freeze. He sees it in your eyes, shock, then hurt, then that dreadful look like you’re already pulling away.

And maybe… maybe that’s what he wants.

Because if he ends it now, if he’s the one who walks away, then he doesn’t have to know what it feels like to lose you for real. Doesn’t have to picture your body in a morgue because he couldn’t save you. Doesn’t have to imagine the world moving on without you in it.

It’s easier this way. That’s what he keeps telling himself.

Even as he stares at that imperfect photo of you still sitting on your Instagram while all the imperfect ones of you together are long gone. Scrubbed clean, no more cheeky smiles. No more subtle photos of you both on dates. As if pretending you never happened will make it hurt less. But it doesn’t. He’s left behind with nothing but the silence. And the tears that fall quietly onto the screen, threatening to like that photo from ages ago.

You forgot your toothbrush. But you left your house key.

His bed is still cold.

And god, he wishes you’d just send one more text.

[tsuutarr]

All of the fairies in Cot’s village have told him that he’s a workaholic with no understanding of his own limits. He usually waves them off, too focused on his potion crafting to really care about what they’re saying.

But when he falls inside your basket, he’s vividly aware of how stupid he is for ignoring his own limitations. He had flown too far to find some herbs and now he’s stuck in a human’s basket. He really doesn’t want to know what you’ll do to him, but he’s too tired to fly away.

Maybe you’ll put him in a jar. Or rip off his wings. Or feed him to your dog. Or something. Thousands and thousands of negative thoughts flood his head as he looks up at you, a mixture of wariness and exhaustion present on his face.

The last thing he expects is for you to push a few berries his way. The sweet, tantalizing scent of the berries makes Cot’s mouth water. His hunger wins over caution as he chows down on your gift. He doesn’t think he’s ever tasted anything so delicious. 

Once he’s done eating, Cot decides that you’re actually really, really nice. The smile on your face as you watch him eat makes his heart feel all fuzzy and warm. Your voice when you talk to him is really pretty, too.

After that, Cot begins to linger around you. At first, it’s purely to repay you! You were so nice to him, so of course he wants to pay that forward. He helps you take care of your garden and helps you clean your house, eager to please you. 

As he continues to assist you in any way he can, Cot can’t help but love spending time with you. It’s fun, it’s easy, it’s just… nice to be with you. In fact, he spends most of his time with you, making himself comfy in the dollhouse you got for him. And when he has to go back to the Fae Realm, all he can think about is you as he goes about his tasks.

He doesn’t really mind it, though. He likes thinking about you.

But then he has a thought. Maybe it’ll be better if you’re with him, always. When he sees you hanging out with your friends on his visit to the human realm, this thought spirals out of control until it becomes something dark and possessive and all-consuming.

Yeah, it really will be better if you're always with him.

He begins to gift you enchanted tea leaves from the Fae Realm, determined to slowly transform you into someone who’s more fae than human. Then, he gifts you a lovely necklace, enchanted with a piece of his magic – a piece of him. 

You gratefully accept the necklace, unaware of the enchantment on it – an enchantment to ensure that all your friends are too sick to ever spend time with you because he’s the only one you’ll ever need.

And as Cot sets his plan, you’ll be none the wiser. After all, why would you ever suspect your cute, tiny fairy friend? He’s just so adorable and harmless, you know?

[tarotsoul]

Loving You (Loving Me)

SUMMARY: In the five centuries of his life, Azriel has never had someone take care of him the way that Y/N does, and he can't seem to stop those dark, unworthy thoughts from resurfacing.

WARNINGS: Mentions of feelings of unworthiness and loneliness. Azriel thinking he does not deserve to be loved the way he is :(

PAIRING: Azriel x Reader

WORD COUNT: 2.5k

MASTERLIST

At first, Azriel thought nothing of it.

The honeymoon phase, he told himself. It made sense, it was expected. His past lovers had all been the same during that time — always obsessed and seemingly in love.

Seemingly. 

But after a few months, they always started to change. They'd distance themselves first, take a while longer to reach out, to see him. Then, they'd get blunt and annoyed quickly with him. They wouldn't want him close, wouldn't shower him in affection. Wouldn't let him touch them. 

And then, eventually, they'd leave. Maybe on the odd occasion, they'd butter him up and get a little splurge on his account, or go to him just for their release. A few had cheated, some just left. Nothing for Azriel had ever lasted past a year and a half, and now it was  nearing the three-year mark and he was confused. 

Y/N was a lovely female. Kind, funny, smart, gorgeous. Azriel thought her kindness and wit was what attracted him to her in the first place, and in the three years he’d known her, he’d only started to love her more. 

It wasn’t like he thought deep down she was a horrible person, but Azriel had grown accustomed to how things typically worked in his relationships, and none of the above had yet occurred. 

That being said, for a good century he had sworn off any form of relationships that occurred past a one night stand. Azriel was tired of the heartache, the disappointment. He had never intended to fall in love with Y/N, had never intended to grow attached. 

But her smile was contagious, her laugh infectious. Her very presence started becoming enough to cast light on his dark days, the soothing tones of her voice disrupting the swirls of dark thoughts and coaxing him back to peace. 

She was his peace. And the worrying realisation of just how hard he’d fallen was beginning to cripple his soul and mind. 

His thoughts continued to spiral as he laid on his stomach with his face smushed into Y/N's pillow. She sat straddling his lower back, her bum on his and his shirt long gone as she massaged the tender knots out of his shoulders, taking extra care to mind his precious wings. 

That was another startling realisation to Az. Just how quickly he had allowed her close to him, to his wings that he had never let another lover touch before. 

Her hands on his skin coated him in familiar warmth; like a blanket of safety pushing to protect him from harm and negativity. She'd been doing it for thirty minutes now. Azriel had been watching the clock. And not once had she complained. 

He supposed it was due to how sick he’d been feeling the past few days. Migraines, sore muscles, and the occasional fleeting moments of nausea. He’d lost his appetite and strength pretty quickly and Y/N had been on the ball with it — at his feet with a sick bucket, coddling his head to her chest with a cold compress against his skin. 

She’d been in talks with Madja every few hours, double checking when Azriel could take his next dose of tonic to keep the fever at bay. She'd done it all and Azriel couldn’t quite understand it. 

From past experiences of being sick or recovering from battle, the only person to have ever taken proper care of him had been himself. And now, his lover was doing what nobody else ever had, and Azriel was confused.

It wasn’t that Y/N was an overwhelmingly kind and compassionate person, because she was. Her caring and nurturing behaviour was nothing out of the ordinary for her, but Azriel had never experienced such care from a romantic partner before. 

It was like Y/N had forgotten about the training, errands and the gruelling twelve-hour shift she’d just got home from, but Azriel hadn’t. 

"Come on, I'll do you." His words came out gruffly, muffled slightly by the pillow that restricted the fluid movements of his lips. He could feel Y/N shake her head from above him. She sunk the balls of her palms into the backs of his shoulders. 

"You need to relax and rest." She argued, hoping her reasoning would be enough for him not to ask again.

Azriel shook his head and shuffled beneath the weight of her body. Y/N lifted to her knees, allowing him to turn beneath her and onto his back. Azriel's eyes were bleary and sleepy as he blinked to gain his bearings. He stretched for her hips, hands finding them with ease. 

He admired her for a few moments then, dressed in a pair of panties and one of his old training t-shirts that she changed into the second she got home. There was a dotting of kohl smudged below her eyes and a couple of tiny blemishes that were starting to show through the worn, minimal makeup. 

He knew she'd had a long day, could tell the second she got in and pretended that she was okay for his sake. Her hair was tied back low on her neck, stray strands wildly framing her face. She looked tired, burnt out. Azriel just wanted to look after her. 

"Bad day?" He finally asked. 

Y/N blinked twice and shrugged, head rolling as her shoulders raised and her cheek met it. "Busy," she told him. "Nothing I'm not used to." 

Azriel squinted. 

He knew she was used to it — the long days with early starts and late finishes, the ones without a break in-between, where she didn’t get to eat, save for a few grapes she managed to steal every now and then. He knew she was used to the tiring work that came with owning her store, but that didn’t mean it was not exhausting her.

He squeezed her hips gently. "I know you're used to it, Angel. It doesn’t make it any easier, though."

She didn’t say anything. Her hands were back on his, encouraging them to sneak up her shirt to feel her skin. She was warm, soft. Y/N pouted down at him. "Want a kiss." She said, eyes glassy with affectionate need. 

Azriel copied her expression absentmindedly, reaching up to caress the side of her face. "I don’t want to get you sick, gorgeous. Why don't you let me run you a bath and you can relax?" He offered, hazel eyes gently caressing her and she let hers flitter closed for a moment, like she was pondering over her answer. 

She shook her head. 

"You're the sick one. I'm going to run you a bath, and then I'm going to make you some soup for your throat. Know it's still hurting you." 

Azriel didn’t say anything — knew that whatever he argued, she'd bite back better. His body sunk into the sheets, head in the pillow as a heavy huff of annoyance and adoration slipped from his mouth. 

When Y/N said she'd run him a bath, Azriel didn't expect it to be overflowing with bubbles or for every possible available surface to be littered in glowing candles. But the bathroom was decorated with such and Azriel was overcome with an overwhelming amount of adoration for his love. 

She let him take his time there, relaxing and soothing his muscles while she cooked up some magic for his throat. Getting out of the bath, Azriel most definitely did not expect to wander into the kitchen to see what he did. 

Y/N behind the stove, dishing up the soup with two fresh rolls from the bakery a mile from them. She set the faelights dim for him — knew they were hurting his head — and there were more candles around the living room. 

The coffee table was littered with them mostly, along with the book he was currently reading and Y/N’s crafts box. He noticed she got out her favourite blanket — the soft one that Azriel swore was made from angel wings. 

And he looked at her, starry-eyed and all, his shadows working in the same sense of lovestruck. She had a gentle smile on her lips when she noticed his presence and Azriel was fucked. 

He couldn’t stop the rush of emotion that consumed him. His eyes turned glassy, nose tingling and heart aching. Azriel thought he was easily the most loved male in the world and he didn’t know what to do with himself. 

He couldn’t help the single tear that slipped down his face but he wiped it before she noticed. Because Azriel never thought he would ever be deserving of the love she happily gave him. 

Azriel approached her, arms wrapping around the middle of his love and he nuzzled his face into the crook of her neck, his shadows circling her in love and gratitude. "Thank you, for all of this. I love you so much." He rasped into her skin. 

He could feel her body warm against his touch, just as it always did when he told her how he loved her. She had never expected to hear it, but the first time he told her, she’d cried into his chest and swore to treasure their love forever. Azriel had cried then, too.

She smiled, reached down to hold her hand over his. "I love you, too. And you haven't got to thank me, this is just what you do when you love someone."

When you love someone. 

She shrugged her own words off like they were the most obvious thing she'd ever said, and perhaps they were, but Azriel couldn’t stop falling harder for her. 

He'd loved people before, he knew that. But now, looking back, he wondered if anyone had ever loved him before her. 

Azriel didn’t remember a time that a previous lover put him before themselves. Where they cared for him and put his needs first. Where they showered him with care and adoration just because. 

No one ever loved him as she did. 

The tears started to pool again as he pulled away and helped her carry their bowls and drinks to the couch. They sat close, dipping pieces of bread into the creamy soup Y/N prepared and chatting idly about the newest commission she had received today. 

Azriel was struggling to focus though when Y/N took a glance at the clock and carried their empty bowls back to the kitchen. He craned his neck across the back of the couch to see what she was doing, but her back was to him as she ran the sink tap and rummaged through the cupboard. 

What he did see was her shuffling back to the living room with a small glass of water and a curled open palm carrying three little white pills atop it. 

Y/N settled beside him, handing him the glass with a tired smile and offering him the pills. "Madja said these will help better with your head and throat." She curled into the sofa, her knees to her chest and close to Azriel's side. Y/N propped one arm against the back of the pillows and her fingers found the longer hairs at the nape of Azriel's neck, gently scratching through the soft locks. 

He watched her for a moment, completely dumbfounded and speechless if he was honest. 

Something like Y/N taking care of him when he was sick shouldn't have had him feeling so fucked and in love, but it did. He was teary-eyed because his love was taking care of him off her own back. Because she wasn’t complaining once or making anything about herself. 

Because she was loving him beyond the words of saying it. 

And he cried. 

Y/N was stunned at the sight, thought maybe he was about to sneeze, but his body started to tremble and shadows began to comfort him, and she realised what was going on. So, gently, she pried the glass and pills from his scarred hands and placed them blindly on the coffee table before reaching back for him. 

"Hey," she cooed. 

Her hands caressed the damp and flushed skin of his cheeks to bring Azriel's gaze to meet her reassuring one. "Why are you crying, Az?" Her words were asked in a light and airy voice, one that wasn’t serious as she chuckled softly, but he still knew she was concerned for him. 

He shook his head and pulled her into his side, laughing at himself too because, why was he crying? 

"I’ve just never had anyone look after me before. I’m incredibly lucky to have you, love. No one has ever loved me like you do before."

Her hand was sprawled across his gently heaving chest and she kissed his neck with a soft peck, offering a squeeze. His hand brushed comfortingly up and down her arm but neither of them really knew why he was the one trying to comfort her.

Y/N swallowed, reaching her right hand across her chest to find his hand that lingered over the front of her shoulder, and she interlaced their fingers, squeezing. "I wish I could show you how in love with you I am... no words can describe it." She admitted, bashfully. 

Azriel squeezed her hand, using his other to wipe his face and he laughed again, because he was so in love that it hurt. He never once imagined himself falling for someone like this only three years into knowing them. It hurt so fucking good because he knew this was it for him. She was it for him. Together against the world. Their future, their everything. 

And whether or not a mating bond snapped, his love for her would never change. Nothing could stop him from loving her the way he did. 

Because she saw him. His darkness, his light, his good and bad. She saw it all and still chose him, still loved him. Despite all that he was and everything he’d done.

He swallowed down the heaviness of that fact.

"I know, baby. It’s the same for me."

His raw voice sent a shiver through her spine and her own eyes were watering with salty drops of emotion. It hurt her, too. More so knowing nobody had ever treated him right, nobody had ever taken care of him and loved him like he always deserved. 

"I'm always gonna love you like this, Az. Always gonna put you before me. Put us before anything else. You're it for me, I hope I'm it for you, too."

He grinned, craned his neck to look down at her through hooded eyes. "You were it for me from the moment I laid eyes on you, Y/N. Nothing will ever change that. Mating bond or not. Nothing could ever keep me from you.”

She breathed shakily, tears slipping but she nodded her head. He didn’t get the chance to stop her before she was leaning up and smacking a kiss to his lips, eager and sweet. He didn’t pull away either, as selfish as it was. And his shadows circled them, inching their bodies closer and closer. 

“Thank you,” Azriel whispered against her lips. “Thank you for always choosing me, for loving me.” 

And her heart lurched. “Thank you for trusting me enough to.”

A/N: So this is an old fic from an old fandom, slightly rewritten and edited to fit Azriel's character. I have a few ideas for some ansgty pieces but you guys are yet to expereinece the full wrath of my angst fics and I'm worried you'll all hate me bc I don't like to add happy endings..... but we'll see!

Thank you for reading, and if you enjoyed it, please consider giving it a like and reblog so others can read it too! 🤍

[hope-for-the-planet]

I'm scared for the future. The year starts with WTF, trump is in the Whitehouse. They're are 3...no 4...Idfk how many wars and humanitarian crises. We're are 90s seconds (probably lower in 2025) to midnight on the doomsday clock. And the earth is getting hotter by the half-hour. I'm scared of dying and I'm pretty sure we're alone in the universe. So how in the flibity flabuty F**k! Do you stay so positive? (Genuinely I want to know)

Hi Anon!

This may not be the most satisfying answer, but a lot of it is practice.

Pivoting away from negative thought spirals, knowing when the despair is welling up and it's time to put the news down for a bit, being aware of the human tendency for negativity bias that feeds the media bias towards catastrophizing, seeking out stories of progress and people helping each other even if it's not glamorous or flashy or immediate. These get easier the longer you practice.

Truly, I have never been aware of how much this hope practice has paid off until this year. I won't say that I don't have bad days, but the strategies I have to deal with them and keep the bad news from driving me to disengagement feel like muscle-memory now.

I know this may not feel terribly helpful to you, but I say this to express that it is not some unique element of my personality that allows me to stay hopeful in the face of bad news--it is a skill that you can get better at too.

One really big part of this is to combat the bombardment of negative information by looking for positive information. News of progress, resistance, and people coming together to make a difference are a great place to start--but also hopeful and inspiring art (books, movies, TV shows, visual art, theater, etc.), research into human goodness and altruism, reading not just about the dark times in human history but also the times that people worked together to make things better. I just finished reading Hope for Cynics by positive psychologist Jamil Zaki, which I highly recommend if you feel like delving into the good side of human nature.

The more you train your brain to look for hope the more you will notice--one day you'll hear bad news and your knee-jerk reaction will be to turn towards possible solutions and wonder who is already working to make those solutions a reality.

I understand living in that place of fear and hopelessness--I have spent time there too and some days I still do. But hope is something worth working towards, even slowly and imperfectly. It doesn't just feel better to live in a world where you can see the possibility for things to be better than they are right now--it is the first step in being engaged in helping to make them better.

There are so many kind, brave, talented, imperfect, regular people pushing back against the bad things. None of us are alone. None of us have to save the world by ourselves. We only have to hope enough to be one small part of the process of making the world better than it would have been otherwise, in whatever ways we can.

[kirabasai]

i feel like we as a society need more kakashi-centric (or even team 7-centric) fics where you have the extremely unreliable narrator obito, who is constantly stalking kakashi. hyperfocusing on every word that comes out of kakashi’s mouth and everyone else being reduced to “naruto said this, or something like that. it doesn’t matter.”

the randomest things setting obito into an internal spiral, and you don’t know what’s going on until he snaps out of it but you’ve still lost a good portion of narration to obito’s internal dialogue/breakdown. you also aren’t sure how long he was spiraling for! you go from gai challenging kakashi and now all of a sudden there are dead squirrels arranged in the shape of a seal and genma is also there juggling senbon.

every other thought about kakashi is fueled by either hate-fueled murderous rage, possessiveness, violent homoerotic thoughts, or a mix of any of those. very gay and very violent. or bloody. half of these thoughts become little violent fantasies.

obito unironically knowing every single one of kakashi’s microexpressions and vocal tones and what they mean, and as a result recognizes things abt kakashi nobody else does. he probably hates when someone else recognizes smth abt kakashi from this.

he also knows the randomest things about kakashi, that can/will randomly pop up at any point in the narration. like kakashi has a secret poetry collection hidden under the sixth floorboard to the right of his bed and northwest of the bedroom window. or a piercing. or even angsty stuff like kakashi trying to rip out his eyes after a nightmare. who knows!

obito’s outward opinion of kakashi constantly flip-flopping between positive and negative, and the quality and genre of narration depends on where his opinion of kakashi is.

obito also hates kakashi’s ninken with a burning passion because they have a better sense of smell than kakashi, which means obito has to stalk from kamui rather than the outside world. watching from kamui isn’t the same because he isn’t on the same physical plane as kakashi.

but yeah i feel like we should abuse obito’s,,, everything. more.