#monsters university came out when I needed it during college apps

[jojo-schmo]

Hang in there, Tylor Tuskmon…. You’ll find your purpose in this world…

[letterstomilen]

i discuss the classification of igneous petrology as you fall asleep during my lecture (PART 1) (ASMR)

Childe/Zhongli, Alternate Universe (read part 2 here) When Childe's younger sister tells him about the volunteer at the library, he does not make the connection between that and his new favorite ASMR YouTuber, Rex Lapis.

Childe has a very effective method of getting through college. His little sister, who’s caught him making coffee at three in the morning on more than one occasion the past week alone, would beg to differ. 

“You’re the best older brother,” she starts off, and he’s sure she’s trying to convince herself more than him at this point, “but you need to fix your sleeping habits.” Then, because she’s his little sister, she’d flash him a smile and pat his shoulder reassuringly.

(The comment is not lost on him though. He understands his sleeping situation will eventually wear him down if it hadn’t already, but he believes if he’ll drink a coffee every morning and a Monster every night, he’ll get through three days. By the third day, he’ll hardly be coherent but that doesn’t matter because he’ll conk out for the next twelve hours and then repeat.)

“Don’t worry, Tonia,” he says, trying to sound as reassuring as possible as he contemplates whether it’s worth it or not to swallow a pill of 5-hour energy with his morning coffee. “Once break ends, I’ll get back to normal.”

“You said that six seasons ago.”

Childe frowns, trying to remember if his sleeping schedule was this dysfunctional last year. “Huh?”

“The Walking Dead seasons,” Tonia clarifies, as if she’s not twelve years old and the show is for grown adults. He thinks. He hasn’t checked Commonsensemedia ever since La Signora labeled him as a “helicopter parent” and his Netflix tab has been playing How to Get Away with Murder as background noise for the past few weeks.

Isn’t it a show about zombies though? Tonia’s sheepish smile tells it all, because it’s the same exact guilty look he had when he got caught red-handed as a kid.

(Once he remembers later, Childe promises himself, he’ll check out The Walking Dead.)

“Oh. Well. I have a lot of shows to catch up on, you know. Not to mention a ton of my professors gave me reading for over the break.”

A half lie. They did give him a lot of reading because each professor assumed that their classes were his only one, and with seven days left, he still has a textbook worth of reading to go through. But there are no shows that Childe would sacrifice his precious sleep for. As a matter of fact, he would love to sleep. He’s spent the majority of his classes back in high school sleeping and faking attention, saving his grade at the last minute — it was quite the extreme sport really, if he says so himself.

Whenever he tries to sleep recently, his thoughts run at several hundred miles per hour, and he spends several hours staring at the ceiling before succumbing to the computer at his desk and watching trashy movies. At this point, he must have gone through the entire romance comedy list on Netflix. (Not a proud point in his life but if anybody ever wanted him to give a list of best to worst romance comedy movies, he now has one.)

Tonia, on the other hand, isn’t incredibly convinced.

Admittedly, the excuse was lame. Also, he can’t easily lie to his little sister, who’s far shrewder than he takes her for at times.

“You never start your reading in advance. You like to speed read it right before your class or watch a five-minute video on the chapters while your teachers take attendance. But that’s… uh, ‘a bad work ethic.’” Tonia looks immensely proud of herself as she says this, finishing it off with, “Zhongli told me that.”

“Zhongli?” he repeats, trying to remember if that’s one of her classmates or some stranger that’s hoping to kidnap his sister.

“The guy that volunteers at the library sometimes. He recommended me a loot of good books to read, but he talks like an old man.”

“How old?” Childe can tell she’s enjoying this — talking about her new friend at the library that he’ll probably have to run a background check on.

“Like he’s in his sixties or something. But he looks… actually, he looks your age! And he’s a student too. I told him all about you.”

Well, that doesn’t sound very reassuring coming from the mouth of a twelve-year-old. He’s not sure if that translates to his social security number, his current dilemma, or just that he’s her older brother.

“Like all of the stories you told me when I was a kid. And then when Lumine came to pick me up, she stayed to show him pictures of you too.”

“Of course she did,” he mumbles, ruffling her hair. One of these days he’s going to move without telling his classmates and the twins won’t enter his apartment unannounced. (But Tonia adores their company and the stories they tell her far too much for him to actually do it. But that doesn’t mean he’s above making threats when they tell his little sister about the bet he made about white-out and how it could dye hair. The jury is still out on this one.) “She’s just mad because I get away with it and she doesn’t. But don’t do it yourself. It’s a bad habit,” he adds, remembering that he should at least try to be a good influence on his younger sister when he can.

“Okaaay,” she says unconvincingly, before shaking her hair and running off to her room with lunch he prepared for her.

Watching her close the door and no doubt continue her binge of The Walking Dead, he takes out his phone and texts Lumine.

 Childe

12:35

ur a horrible influence on tonia

 Childe

12:35

and whos this ZHONGLI

 Childe

12:35

also is twd appropriate for 12 y/os

 Twin 1

12:37

a normal person would say hi

 Twin 1

12:37

also 1. me n aether watched it when we were 12 so probably and 2. some guy at the library that also goes to our school

 Well. At least he’s somebody they know. But The Walking Dead?

 Childe

12:38

thats not very convincing

 Childe

12:38

also dont ppl DIE? get BITTEN???? what if she gets nightmares

 Twin 1

12:39

isnt she 12 r u telling me u weren’t watching R rated movies at 12

 Childe

12:42

thats very different from a 10 season long show that is hailed as “one of the greatest horror shows in history” and “paved the way for post-apocalyptic horror”

 Twin 1

12:42

well if she has trouble sleeping she could always watch asmr. that helps me during midterms idk

 Childe

12:42

whats asmr

 Childe

12:43

asking for my sister btw

 Twin 1

12:44

A feeling of well-being combined with a tingling sensation in the scalp and down the back of the neck, as experienced by some people in response to a specific gentle stimulus, often a particular sound.

 Childe

12:45

wtf?

 Twin 1

12:45

people on the internet make random sounds or just talk into a mic n its supposed to be very relaxing. how have u never found out abt this?????

 Childe

12:45

idk the only thing on my youtube recommended r greatest stunts and chapter review videos

 Twin 1

12:47

… makes sense

 Twin 1

12:47

check out rex lapis’ channel he looks like ur type

 Childe

12:48

i thought we were talking about my sister????

 Twin 1

12:50

[message screenshots.jpg]

 Twin 1

12:50

ya she told me everything

 Twin 1

12:50

have fun i need to convince aether to not commit arson bc of his TA

 Childe

12:51

hope he does it

He opens his Youtube app, typing in Rex Lapis and expecting Lumine’s suggestion to be a joke. Despite them being friends for nearly two years now, she’s never made any indication of knowing his type. And he’s sure he’s never been that vocal about it either, only shooting appreciative looks at history majors and paying more attention than necessary to the TA for ‘Tradition of Justice and Law.’ (It’s unfortunate that those short-term crushes never led to anything, but maybe that’s for the better seeing that Childe has never understood the appeal of relationships.)

It is an ASMR channel, judging by the ASMR playlist he finds as he scrolls through the account. The icon shows no face — only a microphone — which leaves him skeptical. Most of the video titles belong in a petrology lecture as well, which makes him even more convinced that it’s a joke. He finds a few readings of ancient literature and decides to pick ‘I discuss the classification of igneous petrology as you fall asleep during my lecture (PART 1) (ASMR)’ because that’s exactly what he needs. (Not the very moment — but ten hours later when he’s in the bed memorizing the pattern of his ceiling wondering why he stole from his fifth grade teacher’s candy jar during lunch.)

When Childe opens the video, he damn near gasps.

The man in the video is exactly his type. His eyes are a soft amber color, framed with long lashes, and it’s almost enough for him to lose his dignity and message Lumine a long thank you text about how she is always right and he’ll pay for her coffee for the following week.  He smiles at the screen, albeit a little sheepishly, dark hair framing his face with a long ponytail that Childe can’t see the end of. On his right ear, there are a pair of earrings with a single feather that brush against his neck when he moves his head.

Even before he speaks, Childe is mesmerized, sure he’ll already memorize his features from the curve of his nose to the way he tilts his head, displaying the expanse of his neck.

Really — he reminds him of actors in historical dramas, the way he sits regally, and how he speaks. His voice is low and slow as he adopts a careful manner of speaking, leaning into the mic.

“I’m Rex Lapis, and I’ll be discussing igneous petrology today, which is part one in a three-part petrology series. I apologize in advance, seeing that my knowledge is limited compared to many petrologists out there but my friend Venti said that many of my viewers are here for my voice, so I’m very excited to start today’s video.”

Holy shit.

For the following week, Childe learns less about petrology, the philosophy of economics, and historical revisionism concerning matters of war and more about Rex Lapis, who is not in love with his voice but often finds himself in the middle of long tangents without explanations. His favorite book series is the Legend of the Lone Sword, which he says he’ll look forward to reading out loud for the channel. (Childe replays that part of the video again and again, captivated by his excitement as he mindlessly taps the mic while he speaks, his tangent cutting off mid-word — as it usually does, much to his dismay.)

His guilty obsession is not lost on Tonia, who realizes that instead of drinking Monster every night he’s been engrossed in his phone completely, often not noticing her or when the water starts bubbling. But because his sleeping schedule has been alleviated, she says nothing until Lumine comes over as she always does, not forgetting their weekly schedule of watching trashy movies while leeching off of Childe’s food.

Because he doesn’t trust the twins with the kitchen — even if they can cook — she instead spends her time sitting next to Tonia and spreading more of her anti-Childe propaganda while they wait. This usually involves Tonia occasionally calling out Childe’s name and asking, “Is that true?” or “Did you really do that?”

This time is different though.

Worried that Lumine finally decided to show Tonia a video of last semester’s presentation, he leans over, looking at the computer screen.

And he’s wrong. Unfortunately. Maybe it should’ve been his presentation because even if he botched it and accidentally projected his work process — screaming notes and all — to the class instead of his actual presentation, it would’ve been better than the two of them watching one of Rex Lapis’ videos together.

The ‘I read Erosion: Essays of Undoing to you as it rains outside’ video, to be specific, which is where Rex Lapis is embarrassed by Venti mid video when asked if this was his idea of a date with a lover. (And then it ends with Rex Lapis asking for video suggestions from the commentors, his face still flushed from the previous comments.)

Oh God — oh fuck.

“So he is your type,” Lumine says, her expression a bit too smug for his liking. Tonia looks half awake, scrolling through articles as the video plays, more interested in ‘Top 10 Glenn Rhee Moments’ than Childe’s crush. Her expression is a bit guilty as she does so — she’s biting her lip and avoiding his gaze, but he assumes that it’s just because they went through his YouTube history.

“I can neither confirm nor deny that statement,” he retorts, but the YouTube history she pulls up once Tonia hands the computer over to her says it all. (It’s quite mortifying, really — even Tonia is giving him a look, but it’s not as bad as Lumine’s shit eating grin.)

“Well… he does have a nice voice,” Childe finally says, thinking that perfectly encompasses his most recent obsession. Because he does have a nice voice — it’s soothing and speaks to him without really speaking to him directly. (The good looks are a bonus, he assures himself. A fantastic bonus, but a bonus nonetheless.)

“He does,” Tonia confirms, smiling toothily up at him, and he resists the urge to ruffle her hair with Lumine staring at him so skeptically. “But I don’t understand much of what he’s saying. He — heh — talks like an old man.”

“Don’t worry, Tonia, your brother likes him because he’s attractive,” Lumine informs her, now fast forwarding on one of Rex Lapis’ videos. “Did you know that he lives nearby?”

“Huh?”

The knife he’s holding clatters to the floor, and the two look down and back up at him with— hold on, why does it feel like they’re in on a secret he doesn’t know about?

“Yeah, he’s working on his grad thesis I think… Aether told me it was about something on history,” she muses. “That’s why I recommended his channel to you. He’s a bit of a celebrity in his department.” Childe’s sure his jaw dropped now, trying to maintain his facial expression as he takes out a new knife to chop up the onions.

“Really,” he tries to say as calmly as possible, wondering how he should accompany Aether to his lectures without trying to seem as obvious as possible. His voice is a bit shaky he realizes but he can’t quite make the connection between Rex Lapis and actual graduate student that goes to his university.

“Yeah, actually…” Lumine is definitely pretending to think now, enjoying this far too much. “He—”

“It’s Zhongli!” his little sister yells excitedly, practically jumping up and down at this point as if she won the lottery. “Zhongli runs an ASMR channel and he talks just like that in real life! Right, Lumine?”

“Yeah.”

Childe sighs, holding a hand up to his face. The realization that he’s been obsessed with the same guy that hears about every stupid thing he did secondhand is way too much — and the fact that he’s been listening to his voice every night before he went to bed the past week is way too much. He’s sure his face is redder than before judging by the amused expressions on Lumine’s and Tonia’s faces — really, they’re mirror images of each other right now.

Not for the first time, Childe swears to himself that he’ll never let her into his apartment without signing a contract ever again.

[momothegeckho]

Magi19 is Online...

Mystic Messenger Fanfic. Yoosung x Reader (OC)

Note: So i totally did this when this game first came out, and its been collecting dust for a long time lol. I know its a bit lat and irrelevant now, but I enjoyed writing it so here it goes. I may not continue it unless I feel it needs more, so this is just what I wrote.

•:•.•:•.•:•:•:•:•:•:•:•☾☼☽•:•.•:•.•:•:•:•:•:•:•:• Yoosung unlocked his door and sighed. His Professor had caught him texting during class again and really let him have it after the session ended. He went into his room, dropped his bag, and jumped onto his bed. “He just had to give me extra homework, today of all days! What luck…” Today was a special event on his favorite MMORPG, LOLOL. If he wasn’t there today, it would be gone tomorrow. Yoosung sat up and looked at his bag, then at his computer. After what seemed like forever, which was really five seconds, Yoosung chose LOLOL. He just couldn’t wait. And the homework was due on friday, anyway. He pushed the power button on the side of his computer and smiled. 

“Armor is 60% off today! As well as certain boosts, too! No way can I miss this event!” The desktop on his screen lit up to show the background picture of him when he was younger, holding a light brown puppy with brown eyes. Rika’s puppy. He smiled at the memory and quickly opened up LOLOL, put on his headphones, and logged in. As soon as he was about to review his character, Yoosung’s phone beeped. A new chat room had opened up on the messenger app. He picked up his phone and sighed. It was Seven again, most likely signing on to poke a little fun at everyone. He turned on the app and entered the chatroom.

707: Yoosung!!!!

Yoosung: Seven… why are you here? Didn’t you say you had work?

Mina (MC):He does… but he’s putting it off until the last minute. Hello Yoosung! How was school?

Yoosung: Fine I guess, but my prof. yelled at me for being on my phone… I was just about to get on LOLOL.

707: Yoosung.

Yoosung: What?

707:… Get a girlfriend.

Those words made Yoosung sigh. Ever since Seven and Mina had gotten together, Seven tried to set Yoosung up on dates with girls he barely knew. He just wanted to find a girl naturally and connect with her through a mutual friendship, though he knew it wouldn’t happen overnight. Even though he wished it would.

Yoosung: Seven… Pls.

Mina: Seven! That was rude! Let Yoosung find love by his own terms! Sorry Yoosung. You know Seven is just playing.

Yoosung: Thanks, Mina. I’ll find someone someday!!!

{Jaehee Kang Has Entered the Chatroom}

Jaehee: How soon is someday exactly? Because from what I see, you barely put yourself out there.

Yoosung: Jaehee! You’re so mean!!!!

Jaehee: Just speaking the truth. Hello Seven, Mina. Finally got a break from Mr. Han!!!

Mina: Glad you made it out alive! How is Jumin? He hasn’t been in the chatroom lately.

Jaehee: He’s been on a lot of business trips lately. Just this morning, he took off for America for a transaction. And this time, he took the furball with him! 

707: Wow. You must be really happy. Elizabeth Third! Come baaack!

Jaehee: Don’t jinx this. Please.

Yoosung: Lol. Jaehee. Do you really not like Elizabeth the Third? She’s cute!

Jaehee: No… She’s the devil with shedding hair. Zen’s new role in ‘Love Under the Cherry Blossom’ is cute! ////

Yoosung: Whatever. LOLOL calls for me. Later, everyone!

Mina: Bye, Yoosung!!

Yoosung put down his phone and started to play LOLOL. He smiled at the prices on new armor and buffs for his character. It was like being a kid in a candy store! He bought up a few things and started to play. He found a dungeon to go into and saw another player standing outside of it. The character wore a white cape with gold decorating the edges, while the armor she had on was very amazon-like. The character’s hair was black with white tips, and she had a sword on her side. Almost as if on cue, the messenger block popped up with blinking dots. The player was contacting him.

Magi19: Hello! Are you here for the event, too?

Yoosung: Yeah! I mean, who could miss it? I would hate myself if this passed and I wasn’t here to participate. What did you get?

Magi19: Right!? I just got a few buffs to help me cast spells quicker. I also got some new armor! You?

Yoosung: A few armor suits and some buffs. Hey, do you want to be friends? We could conquer the dungeon together! 

There was a small pause after Yoosung’s question, and he started to feel awkward. Was he too straightforward? After all, He only met Magi19 a few seconds ago. The worst thing that got to him was that he was thinking so hard about this as if he was asking out a girl… He was about to dismiss his question when a beep came from his computer.

Magi19: Yeah, sure!! I haven’t went inside yet! Let me send you my info really quickly…

Yoosung received Magi19’s profile info and looked through it. Everything seemed normal, from her gender all the way to her stats.

Yoosung: Wow! You’re really experienced! Level 60? You could clear this level by yourself if you wanted!

Magi19: I’m not that experienced. I just fight monsters here and there for the items. You have a really high level, too. Lol!!!

Yoosung: I’m sure you’re great! Let’s go!

Magi19: Wait! Shouldn’t we hook up our mics so we can talk instead of type? I don’t know about you, but I’m a bit of a slow typer…

Yoosung: Oh yeah, sure! Here’s my sky-pic number.

Magi19: Thanks! Hold on…

Magi19 stopped typing and then called Yoosung on Skypic. He answered and was met with a smiling face. “Hi! You’re Yoosung, right?” The girl had brown hair with light purple tips, brown eyes, and a really bright smile. 

“Yeah… Hi. I’m Yoosung! Nice to meet you…” Yoosung trailed off, not knowing her real name and smiled. “Sorry! My name is Yoona. Nice to meet you, Yoosung!” Yoosung smiled and laughed with the girl as they entered the dungeon together. Jokes were exchanged between the two as they slayed monsters and talked about daily life “You go to Sky University, too?” Yoosung looked at the girl on his screen as she nodded and smiled. “Yeah! I actually got there a few months ago! You see, I had to transfer from my other college for a few reasons…” Yoona trailed off and slayed a beast in front of her. “But I like Sky. It’s the best school I’ve ever been to!” Yoosung smiled and laughed a little. 

Where was this girl all his life? She liked video games, she was super comfortable around people, she has a great personality, and to top it all off, she was comfortable in her own skin. She didn’t need to be told she was pretty, because she didn’t care. Yoosung liked that. “So Yoosung, what are you planning on making your occupation later in life?” Yoona looked at Yoosung and picked up some items from the dungeon. “I’m going into medicine to become a veterinarian. What about you?”  Yoona stopped moving her character and looked into the lens. Yoosung knew that she wasn’t there with him and couldn’t really stare through a camera, but still felt as though her eyes were going to pierce his soul. “I wanted to go into medicine to be a veterinarian freelancer, but instead, I want to become a patissiere! I have already went to culinary school in France and got my degree, so now, all I have to do is get this degree, and I’ll be able to open up my own shop! It doesn’t sound stupid, does it?” Yoosung smiled and shook his head. “No! I think that it’s amazing you can study so hard and still have time for LOLOL. How do you do it?” 

Yoona thought for a moment and sighed. “To be honest, I don’t really know. Once I got everything down on a schedule, it all fit together. How about you? I only just got here, and I already know that the Uni’s homework is a bit… piled.” Yoosung sighed deeply at the question and instantly got depressed. “To be honest with you, I don’t do a lot of my work. You see… I’m addicted to LOLOL. As we speak, I have homework I still haven’t gotten to. How about you?” Yoona smiled. “I already finished! You know, if you want, I could help you with your homework!” Hearing Yoona say she would help made Yoosung tear up. He didn’t know many people from the campus, but loved to meet new people along the way to graduation. 

“You’d really do that for me? Thank you so much!” Yoosung wiped away a fake tear and laughed. “Anything for a fellow LOLOL player and teammate! Here’s my number…” Yoona gave Yoosung her number and smiled. “I hate to do this now, but it’s getting really late. I have to go now.” Yoosung groaned and gave her puppy eyes. “You can’t stay a bit longer?” Yoona smiled and sighed. “Sorry! But hey! We go to the same school! Let’s just meet up tomorrow, kay’?” Yoosung nodded and exited out of the game. They said their goodbyes and signed off, anticipating if they would really see each other tomorrow. Yoosung was excited to make a new friend like Yoona. She seemed really cool, and definitely had a certain enthusiasm about her. He couldn’t wait to see her again. Even though they had literally just met a few hours earlier. He logged onto the messenger and saw no one was online. He took the opportunity to open a chat room. He smiled as he typed in the news.

Yoosung: Everyone, I met someone today. She’s a really nice girl, and she also likes LOLOL…

Yoosung: She’s really pretty, her name is Yoona. 

Yoosung: Turns out, we go to the same school… and have probably been passing each other everyday.

Yoosung:… 

Yoosung: What should I do!?!?

Yoosung: I’m meeting her tomorrow! Should I buy her something? Should I?

Yoosung: … Is it weird that I’m talking like this even though I met her a few hours ago?

Yoosung: Gahhh!!!

{YOOSUNG HAS LEFT CHAT ROOM}

•:•.•:•.•:•:•:•:•:•:•:•☾☼☽•:•.•:•.•:•:•:•:•:•:•:• There are 3 other chapters I made, so this is just the first one. ugh its so cringey lmaooo - 

[yourkeeperoftherunners]

You Sound so Good on Radio (RapMon AU)

Plot: AU You’re a DJ at your university’s student-run radio club and were called in to do a sample show last minute for a tour group of potential students. You caught his attention and he knew that he couldn’t go anywhere else. Especially if it meant he could share the airwaves with you at some point.

Rating: PG-13 (Language, implied cheating)

Characters: University Student!Kim Namjoon/Rap Monster x female Reader, University Student/Radio Club President!Kris (EXO-M), University Student/Fellow DJ!Johnny (NCT-127), and mentions of Seokjin and Yoongi (BTS)

Notes: This is an AU setting – all characters, background content, and storyline are fictional! This was an idea I’ve had kicking around in my head inspired by the writer’s personal experience of working in student-run radio shows at school. (It sat on the back burner until I realized it would be a good fit for music lover and brainy student Kim Namjoon.) Y/S/N stands for “your screen name”, Y/E/N is “your ex’s name”, and Y/DJ/N is “your DJ name.”

Happy Birthday Namjoon!

“Can I ask you to do a last minute show?”

“Uhhh maybe,” you drawled as you pressed your phone to your ear, “when?”

He sucked in a sharp breath and forced a smile as he revealed that he needed you to get over to the student radio booth in 40 minutes. Your eyes widened and you changed direction.

“Damn you Kris,” you hissed as you dug around in your bag, briefly checking that you had the essentials. “You’re lucky my next class was canceled – what’s this all about?”

“Potential students tour,” Kris explained. “Sorry Y/N – they threw this on me last minute too. Admissions wanted to show off the student radio program and they wanted a show playing live when the tour came through. I sort of panicked and didn’t know who to ask.”

“You owe me,” you warned him as you made a beeline for the studio, unlocking the door with your ID card. “Are there any rules Admissions set?”

“No profanity because it’s a daytime show, don’t run over into the next scheduled show’s slot…” Kris trailed off, biting his lip. “Um maybe pick some happy tunes or something? I don’t know – just make it seem cool to join radio, okay?”

“I’ll try. Wonder why they care all of sudden,” you droned as you pulled out your laptop and began pulling songs into a playlist.

“How do you take your coffee?” he asked.

“Make it the largest size available and you’re a godsend,” you said before hanging up. You plugged in the cords from the dashboard and began adding in bumpers that would play in between every 3 songs to promote the studio radio station. Complaints aside, radio was a welcome escape for you whenever you wanted a break from the stress of college. Anyone could apply to have a radio program, as long as they showed up for their time slot, followed the radio airwave rules, and attended the radio meetings that took place every other week.

“You’re listening to a special broadcast of Nocturnal Beats, coming to you live and in stereo from the radio station,” you announced into the microphone. “You just heard music from Halsey, a beautiful cover of Adele’s “Hello” by Alice Olivia, and “Skool Luv” by BTS. Speaking of school love, why not show your support for our talented lacrosse team at this Saturday’s game? Game starts at 7 PM, tickets are $7 at the gate…” You tore a glance at the bulletin board nearby to make sure you were covering all of the announcements posted during your talking break. From the corner of your left eye, you spotted a large group of families coming into the building, led by a student tour guide. Satisfied that you covered everything posted, you wrapped up your talking segment as you teased the next few songs coming up in the hour.

“Over here is the student radio booth – all of the programs broadcast are put on by students for students,” the guide said as she gestured to the booth. “Parents and friends are welcome to download the app or live stream it from your computer or WI-fi enabled devices to listen in as well. We have programs running 7 days a week from 7 AM to midnight, ranging from music, talk shows, and we’ve even had a few radio dramas played during the airwaves.”

You avoided the crowd’s gaze as you slotted in a bumper that announced that they were tuned into the student radio site, before blending it out to the next song – a mellow R&B tune from BIGBANG called “Blue”. You pulled the headphones off and switched the mic to off before checking the volume controls and scrolling through the radio instant chat function to answer messages.

js_giraffe: U cheating on me for daytime?

You resisted the urge to roll your eyes as you typed back to Johnny, AKA your friend who hosted a late night rant/talk show on Wednesdays. Occasionally you put in a guest appearance if he needed someone to banter with on the topics of choice for the shows – most people found your dynamic with him hilarious, especially if he tried to switch accents while you called him out for being a loser.

Y/S/N: ha try Kris needed someone to show off for the tour groups.

js_giraffe: O.o The model DJ…

js_giraffe: I’m not worthy! I’m not worthy!

Y/S/N: STFU

Y/S/N: It’s a one-time deal – get over your damn self!

“Now if you follow me, I’ll show you the mailroom,” the tour guide announced as she gestured to a hallway. Most of the families began to follow her to the next room while one young man lingered behind, tilting his head as he watched you switch between answering Johnny’s IMs and queuing more music for the remaining 15 minutes. He glanced over his shoulder at the group and quickly made up his mind to walk over to the glass separating you from him, tapping lightly on it.

You jerked your head up from looking at your laptop screen and held up a finger as you got up, making your way over to the entrance to the booth.

“Hi, may I help you?” you asked as you stuck your head out.

“Oh um ye-yeah!” the young man said. “How is the radio program here? Do you like it?” he asked with a faint accent.

“It’s a lot of fun,” you said slowly with a smile. “I really like it – this is my second year doing it. I started last spring and I’ve been doing it ever since. You can focus on any topic/style of show you want for the most part.” You frowned when you noticed the tour group was long gone.

“Oh I think you um-”

“I’ll find them – no worries,” he replied. He asked you more questions about the studio equipment, scheduling, requirements, etc. before you realized you were at the final 2 minutes of your program.

“Hang on, I need to close out the hour,” you apologized before running back into the station. You slipped the headphones on and turned the mic on, fading out the last song that was playing. “Looks like it’s last call gang – thanks for tuning into this special edition. I’ll catch you at my usual slot Friday night from 10-11 PM. Until then.” You turned off the mic and carefully unplugged your laptop, turning on instrumentals recorded in the station’s dashboard’s memory to fill the void while you packed up. Once you secured your bag on your shoulder, you headed to the door and frowned when you saw the young man was gone.

“So are you crossing this school off your list Joonie?” Yoongi asked his friend over the phone. “I mean, it’s kind of far and you don’t know a lot of English –“

“Actually I think I’m going to apply,” Namjoon replied with a grin as he leaned against the wall. “Campus is nice, professors seem decent, and I like their student life.”

“Wae?! But you can’t leave meeeeeeee!!!” the other male whined. “You’ll be too far away!”

“I think you can survive without me,” Namjoon chuckled as he ran a hand through his hair. “Besides, we can always call or Skype. Plus I’ll be home for the holidays.”

“But you have to apply first,” Seokjin interrupted, taking the phone from Yoongi. “There’s no guarantee this school will take you. Make sure you have back-ups in case.”

Namjoon snorted as he changed his phone to his other ear. He reassured Seokjin that he’d apply to a few local schools back home, just to be safe before hanging up and heading back to the area where the tour started. It was clear in his mind – he was getting in here no matter what.

“Welcome back,” Johnny greeted you as you took a seat in the auditorium beside him.

“Right back at you,” you replied, dropping your bag on the ground. “How was your summer?”

He shrugged and muttered that he split his time between Chicago and South Korea, thanks to his parents’ divorce. You listened as he described the tension during each stay, as both single parents had expressed their true feelings about one another to Johnny.

“Sorry Johnny,” you said with a sympathetic smile, “hey so, are you doing late night again?”

Johnny nodded and you confirmed that you were in again for another late night slot, as it was your favorite time to broadcast. You weren’t forced to be as strict with the profanity during timeslots closer to midnight and it was a fun way to get hyped for the weekend. Because this would be your third year of radio, you’d get first dibs on timeslots. A few days prior to the start of the new semester, you had gotten an e-mail from Kris asking if you wanted your old timeslot back, which you replied you did.

“All right guys! Can I have your attention please?” Kris called out, trying to regain control of the large group of students chattering away. He waited a few minutes before speaking again.

“Welcome to University Radio Club,” he began, “if you’re here because you’re taking radio as an elective or just because you want to, you’re in the right place. We meet every other week here at 9 PM – attendance is mandatory for those taking this as an elective. If you are brand new to radio, we’ll start taking sign ups for timeslots via e-mail. Please send us your top three choices and we’ll let you know if any are available. Past DJs will get first choice. Any questions so far?”

“The D-bag’s not doing radio anymore, right?” Johnny whispered as he leaned closer to you.

You shrugged, trying to seem indifferent. The “D-bag” in question was your ex, who cheated on you for two sorority chicks during a Greek life party. You swore he purposely chose the timeslot after you so he could saunter in and ruin your good mood with his presence, as his show was after yours for 3 semesters.

“I’ll deal with it like usual,” you muttered as you watched Kris start discussing the history of radio to the students taking this for credit.

“Welcome back to your place for top hits, fresh sounds, and jams to get you in the mood for your weekend – this is Nocturnal Beats!” you said into the mic with a smile. “Hope everyone stayed cool this summer. The bell may have rung but the fun’s never ending – I’ve got some new sounds to share from EXO and Twenty One Pilots so keep it here for this hour.”

Once you switched off the microphone, your phone buzzed with a text from Kris.

Galaxy

I’ll buy you a drink this weekend if you can do a last minute training for the rookie coming in after you.

Sent 10:07 PM

You

Fine.

Sent 10:08 PM

Hang on – rookie? Not Y/E/N?

Sent 10:08 PM

Galaxy

Nah he never answered my e-mail about radio this semester. This guy’s a first year – asked specifically for this slot.

Sent 10:09 PM

Tall, blonde hair in an undercut, name’s Namjoon Kim. He’s doing a rap show.

Sent 10:10 PM

You frowned as you re-read the texts and typed back a simple OK to Kris. Well, you could breathe easy – no asshole ex to deal with this semester. But you were surprised this kid got a prime spot – most first timers weren’t so lucky and would get an afternoon slot or an early morning time. Albeit his radio show content was probably better suited for nighttime versus editing out every curse word and innuendo possible. You’d meet him soon enough.

You shuttled a few IMs to Johnny and tore your gaze away from your laptop to see a tall Asian guy approaching the station, eerily fitting the description Kris texted you. He was busy typing something on his phone as he approached the radio station, walking into the door with a thud.

You blinked as you scrambled to your feet, eyes wide as he staggered back a few steps, wincing and cursing in Korean as he touched his forehead. Without wasting more time, you queued up a few more songs and a bumper before opening the door and checking on him.

“Hey you okay?”

“Huh? Oh yeah, yeah I’m fine,” he said as he pushed his dark framed glasses up on his nose. He shot you a sheepish smile and put his phone away in his pocket.

You studied him thoughtfully, examining his features. He looked awfully familiar…

“Hey so Y/N right? I don’t know you if you remember me, well I had dark hair last time we met, but um…” he trailed off, a shy smile on his face.

“Hang on, were you the guy who got left behind by the tour group to ask me questions about the radio station?” you recalled as you stepped out of the doorway. “Last semester in mid-March, right?”

He nodded as his smile spread across his face, resulting in the cutest dimples on his cheeks. You blinked as you silently compared the previous image you had of him in your mind to the guy standing before you now. He was cute then but with the blonde color and new haircut, he looked hot. It also sounded like his English had improved and the lingering trace of his accent was barely noticeable. Summer sure was kind to him…

“Wow I didn’t know you got in – congrats!” you replied as you nudged the door open wider, letting him into the station waiting room. “Welcome to university! I can’t believe you decided to take up radio too.”

Namjoon stepped through the doorway and watched as you closed the door to the station. “Well, it’s a funny story,” he began as he shoved his hands into his pockets. “A really chill DJ was doing a special show during my tour visit and she had a really hot voice. I was kind of a loser just staring at her and asking her dumb questions about radio, but she was so patient and really nice. So I felt encouraged to apply – I mean, I liked the classes and the professors too, but hearing this DJ was like the icing on the cake. I wanted to come here and do radio too. Maybe run into her again.”

You ducked your head and smiled, crossing your arms over your chest. “You found me Namjoon,” you replied.

He squared his shoulders and allowed a slightly cocky smile to cross his lips. “Rap Monster. No DJ, just Rap Monster around here.”

You contemplated his moniker and nodded in approval.

“It suits you,” you said. “Well you’ll go live for your first show in 10 minutes – think you’re ready?”

He removed his glasses from his nose and swapped them for a pair of dark wayfarers, pushing them up on his nose.

“Bring it on Y/DJ/N.”

[littlemisskookie]

Dick and Mortified

Dick and Mortified Ship: MadScientist!Reader | FWB!Yoongi Description: Rick and Morty!AU | Your friend-with-benefits is dragged into a crack-like adventure to get Mars Argo, on a planet you’re wanted on. Warning: The humor is inappropriate/slightly offensive/really random/really stupid. Lots of dick jokes, like way too many. I’m not saying this is good, trust me, it’s basically a crack oneshot. But enjoy it anyway. Handjob, Blowjob, Intercourse, Dirty Talk, Cumplay, Masturbation Word Count: 6,647 A/N: This is far different from typical smut since it’s more like action/crack smut, and it’s a lot different from any of my other works, so don’t expect complex characters or eye-opening issues being brought to light, because I needed to write something light hearted that let me laugh. That being said if you don’t like the humor or jokes or just find it poorly done, then you’re free to leave. This was mainly for fun, especially after I binge-watched the show. Enjoy!

You and Yoongi were officially dubbed the title of friends with benefits, and though years ago he would’ve never so much as considered talking to you, he now found himself hooking up with you frequently, and more often than not being dragged away on adventures.

You were always seen as strange, eccentric even. You missed multiple classes, and at first, Yoongi simply assumed that you were one of those kids who was lazy and skipped many classes, perhaps up to shenanigans that had you being chased by the cops for your wild and crazed antics.

He was partially true about that, except it turns out the cops were in the forms of giant wasps.

Though you were scarcely seen at classes, you seemed to ace every test, being at the top of the school despite doing any work. Everyone was baffled and intrigued, wanting to get closer to you and see exactly what made you so special, and yet something drew you to him.

Frankly, he could’ve cared less. Sure, he was curious in a sense, but it didn’t mean he was going to do anything about it. Would his eyes trail after you, spotting the bright white lab coat you’d occasionally tie around your waist? Of course. Did his brows furrow when he spied you doing something particularly quirky, and a small event or detail completely baffled him, like when you found a way to have a pencil write on your paper for you when you fell asleep in class, or that one day where your hair was moving as though electric currents were going through, making your hair stand straight and far from your head, as though static. The oddest part was that it stayed like that all day.

And as oddball as you were, with no one quite knowing what your deal was or even managing to really get so much as close to you, for some odd reason, you approached him at a party. Truth be told, you were drunk out of your mind, as Yoongi would later find out happened quite often, but immediately you latched onto him, and thus continued your hookup for the night.

Much to Yoongi’s surprise, you stayed the night, and after spending the day in his dorm while telling absolutely horrendous, inappropriate jokes and vulgar comments that sounded as though it came from the mind of a teenage boy, Yoongi was instantly transfixed, finding your sense of humor equally horrifying and hilarious. You were blunt at times, avoiding beating around the bush, and it was rather refreshing sometimes.

And thus began the friendship. Often times you two would insult each other, letting the comments roll off your back, and Yoongi would guffaw at some of the words you’d say, absolutely surprised that a girl could curse like a sailor or be so perverted. You were constantly horny as well, so it seemed, and the only time you’d stop being so crazed was during sex, which he found to happen quite often. You were also sort of a dick, not really caring about anyone but yourself, but Yoongi would find that at times, he was an exception.

Apparently, what first drew you to him was his bright blond hair, and because he seemed to somewhat enjoy your humor and could both take and throw insults, you kept him around, the sex being an added bonus. You were officially dubbed the honorary title of friends with benefits.

But it wasn’t until after six months that Yoongi came to find out exactly what it was you did and why you missed classes. He was simply waiting for you, texting away on his phone, when a bright flash of green appeared before him, and you tackled him.

He was shocked, and staring into the green, swirling void- which he’d later find out to be a portal- he saw something absolutely jaw-dropping pop out from it. It was some sort of monster, but it was entirely made of candy. You had forced Yoongi to stand once again, running, and he was absolutely mindblown when you got some sort of ray from your lab coat pocket, zapping at the monster. Yoongi’s mind felt as though it couldn’t process what was going on, but he was already on the run as you encouraged him to do, all the while zapping behind you until the candy man was literally blown into skittle-like smithereens.

Yoongi would’ve guessed you had killed someone or facilitated some sort of alien government, but as it turns out you just slept with the candy-man’s wife.

After that whole situation, you revealed that you were literally the smartest person in the universe, building robots and gadgets that wouldn’t be used until the far off or near distant future, and often times you wound up in trouble in other dimensions. Yoongi asked why you didn’t want to give any of your brilliance or gadgets to the government to help them along their research, and you only muttered something about bureaucracy.

But because he somewhat helped you with the candy-man (AKA falling on his face and having the monster trip over him, giving you the perfect opportunity to shoot him), you found him rather useful and decided to make him your partner in crime for the following adventures. The atrocities and absolute chaos Yoongi would see and have partial help causing made him rather stunned, but he admitted he liked going on those adventures with you. Not only did your crude humor have him rolling his eyes and trying not to laugh at the nightmares that ensued, but typically after a great adventure, you were more so in the mood for sex. He never understood, but he never really denied it either.

After a while, he got used to the various adventures you’d drag him along to, though of course, it didn’t mean he was necessarily okay with some of the crimes you had him commit.

Today’s adventure was no exception.

Your spaceship- which you apparently made completely out of robot prostitutes from a distant planet where STDs came in the form of computer viruses- had crashed into the window of his bedroom. The boy was startled, fumbling out of bed as he kicked the covers off his feet and looked to you.

“Y/N, what the hell?!” he shouted at you. “You can’t just crash into my bedroom- oh my God this is my dorm! What are you thinking?”

“Yoongi, Yoongi,” you mutter, climbing out and stepping over the rubble you made, repeating your name and showing your habit of saying his name often whenever you talk to him. “I’m a fucking genius, I can clean this up in five minutes, do you think I really give a shit?”

“I know that! But for goodness sake-”

“No time!” you say, grabbing onto his arm and dragging him behind you. “We’ve gotta go, Yoongi.”

“I’m still in my pajamas,” he murmured but knew he had no choice. Climbing into the UFO, he quickly did his seat belt, spotting you drinking from a bottle of champagne as you started driving. Yoongi squeezed his eyes shut, and once he opened them, you guys were in a completely different place.

“What are we going to do?” he asked you, unfastening the seat belt.

“Getting Mars Argo.”

“What? Is that a drug or something? Don’t tell me it’s another one of your fancy wine bottles,” Yoongi grumbled.

“What? No, she’s an American artist,” you huffed, taking another sip of the bottle. “She was replaced by Poppy in some great conspiracy theory, and more or less she disappeared from the face of the Earth. No one’s seen her since.”

“Wait, what does this have to do with anything?”

“Turns out her boyfriend, Titanic Sulfur or something, sent her to get kidnapped to this planet to replace her with this creepy cyborg girl that’s blowing up on the internet- not important,” you say dismissively. “The point is she’s been here for years, and we need to get her back because she had some good ass music and I want more of that shit.”

“Jesus Christ,” Yoongi muttered, facepalming.

“Doesn’t exist,” you finish, winking and snapping finger guns at him. Your crude sense of humor and devotion to science never failed to make him grimace.

“Wait, so why’d you drag me along on this one?” Yoongi asked, yawning. Of course, he already knew that you needed him because you were partners in crime, but you seemed to have another answer each time to evade his own, simply because of either your pride or creativity.

“Because without me you’d have completed the rest of your college career, getting a job and meeting a nice young lady and making her your wife, having kids early in marriage until they eventually add onto the stress and difficulties of your relationship, straining it and changing the two of you forever, and you end up having a mid-life crisis at 46 when you realize you hate your job, leave your wife and kids to rediscover yourself only to break the family bond and have them hating you forever. Then you go to the church believing that if you pray hard enough to a god that doesn’t exist you’ll be saved in the next life, only to be sent to a nursing home and die while shitting your pants. At least with these adventures, Yoongi, you’ll have something to look back on fondly instead of just your divorce, wondering what might’ve been, and scrolling through dating apps for a sugar baby pathetic enough to sit on your wrinkled dick that has cum like toothpaste by that age. Don’t live a mediocre life, Yoongi, trust me. It’s so sad Yoongi.”

Alright, so perhaps he shouldn’t have asked.

“Fair enough,” he muttered. “Alright, let’s find this Mars Argo chick.”

Suddenly helicopters were coming, as well as police cars, and soon enough the two of you and the ship were surrounded. Aliens of all shapes, sizes, and colors- who oddly enough reminded Yoongi of testicles- stepped out of the vehicles, pointing various weapons and missiles at the two.

“Oh, I may have forgotten to mention this is another planet I’m wanted on,” you shrug.

Yoongi’s eyes are wide. “Oh, you’ve really done it this time,” he hisses.

“Chill dude,” you laugh. You take out your portal gun, shooting at one of the walls and delivering a hard kick that pushes the ship into the portal, thus closing it.

“What’re you doing?!” Yoongi exclaims. “That was our chance of escape! Our ride!”

You flicked his forehead, which he angrily swiped away. “Calm down, Yoongi, we’ll get out. I have the portal gun, and besides, I know these guys’ weakness. Cheer up a bit, it’s not every day you see these tentacle monsters who look like they’re inspired by the male scrotum. I mean, you think you’ll see this fucking shit every day? The last weird thing you saw was the Chupacabra when we shaved it!”

Granted, that was yesterday.

“You know you always drag me into these things,” Yoongi grumbles. “If I end up in alien jail I swear-”

“Yoongi, Yoongi, Yoongi,” you hushed him, pulling another item from your lab coat and placing a weird gun in his hand. “Look, survive and I’ll blow you in the ship, alright?”

“I want to survive anyway,” Yoongi mutters. “But who am I to turn down a blowjob?”

“Atta boy!” you say. “Now, shoot the tampon gun!”

“The what?” Yoongi asks, flabbergasted. What did you just say?

You rolled your eyes. “They’ve got the same fears as a prepubescent straight boy, Yoongi, trust me! Just throw the damn tampon, or shoot it!”

Yoongi stared into the barrel of the gun, the aliens all murmuring and waiting to see what he would do, all of them too scared to shoot or make a move, anticipating the humans’ attack. Yoongi aimed it at one of the aliens with a missile and squeezed the trigger, sure that it would simply bounce off of the creature.

To his surprise, the small white bullet embedded in the creature, and it screeched in agony as its skin and flesh started to dissolve until there was a gaping hole in its chest that was growing larger and larger by the second, eating away at the flesh as it almost evaporated. It screamed in agony, firing the bullets from its own gun off and even killing a few of its friends as everyone panicked.

Yoongi was mortified, gripping onto his gun as he neared closer to you, and you watched the scene in boredom. “Oh yeah, they’re also allergic to cotton. And feminine products,” you say dismissively. “That should’ve been a good thing to tell you. But they’re idiots, they won’t pay attention to us for the next few minutes.”

“Oh dear God!” the dying creature shouted out as the others surrounded the wounded beast. “I’m dying, I’m dying! Mom… Mom is that you? I thought you just left Dad… Mom where have you been for the past ten years? We missed you…”

“We’re losing him!” the creature beside him shouted out. “Brandon, listen to me, you can’t. Don’t go into the light, I repeat, don’t go into the light!”

One of the creature’s tentacle-like arms reached above, “I’ll take your hand… Mom.”

“No!” another monster pushed forward, this one having long squid-type hair. “No, Brandon, it’s me, Marsha. I’ve loved you for so long and I’ve been so scared to tell you, but if you die on me, I swear- I-I… Don’t leave me! I love y-”

His arm dropped, and his long fruit-by-the-foot-like tongue rolled out of his mouth, announcing him dead. The creatures around him bowed in respect and grief, and Marsha wept over his dead body.

“Well, that happened,” you remarked, pulling out a bottle of wine, putting the cork between your teeth and yanking it back to open it. Yoongi never understood how you could fit so many things in your lab coat pocket, but you simply muttered some science-mumbo-jumbo and something about acid.

Marsha’s monstrous face looked up, and they acknowledged your presence for the first time since Yoongi shot Brandon, and suddenly Marsha was pointing a gun at Yoongi’s head, letting out a monstrous screech. “You killed him! Why, you’re dead, buddy!”

“Woah there, Debra, or whatever typical white suburban Mom name you’ve got,” you interrupt, yanking Yoongi out of the way. “Look Susan-Beth-Janice- fuck, I don’t know, but he’s innocent.”

“You’re wanted!” Marsha shrieked. “Oh, you’re heading to jail, bitch!”

“Alright, Yoongi, it’s about time we head out-” you grab him, running through. “Shoot shoot shoot! I know you, you’ll drop the soap on the first day, and tentacle-sex isn’t as good as it is in anime! SHOOT!”

Yoongi fired the custom-made gun everywhere, hearing shrieks as others began wildly shooting at the two of you, red lasers narrowly missing you two as you dodged past the dissolving bodies and ran. The lab coat tied around your waist flew behind you, almost like a cape, and Yoongi’s heart was pounding in his ears as he tried to fire off behind him. He felt as though you two were about as screwed as a pregnant woman with a smoking addiction.

The two of you swerved, going behind a building and hiding behind some nearby trashcans. At least, Yoongi assumed they were trashcans. They certainly smelled like they were, like a dead hooker rotting by some expired sushi.

“Tell me why you’re wanted in another planet?” Yoongi bitterly spat, holding on tightly to the gun and keeping watch.

You roll your eyes, “Wow, someone’s grumpy. Who pre-shat in your pants?”

“Fuck you,” Yoongi grumbled. Both of you were used to talking to each other this way, neither taking it personally. Between your asshole-ness and his intolerance towards your dick attitude, both of you were fine with spitting insults to each other.

The comment rolled off your back as you waved off his comment, looking down at the wine bottle that was half empty. Yoongi had no idea how you could still be basically sober when you’ve had a full bottle, but alcohol was typically needed to be in your system in order for you to do anything.

“That’s your job,” you fired back, wearing a cocky grin as he scoffed. “Anyways, if you must know, it’s because I cut off the balls of their king.”

“You what?!”

“Hush up, will you?” you snapped, pressing the bottle against his lips. “Do you want us to get caught?”

Yoongi swiped the bottle from you, taking a small sip and handing it back to you. “Alright, tell me what happened.”

“I thought I was getting an interview to be the head of the military, and I ended up getting interviewed to be some sort of sex doll, Yoongi,” you murmured, making Yoongi’s brows jumped. “Anyways, he made a move on me, and I didn’t like where he was putting his bedazzled tentacle, so I cut off the balls of his octo-dick. You know, I heard they cut off the balls of male rapists in India, and then they can’t reproduce because the semen factory is gone. At least that’s what my fifth-grade teacher said when she was high.”

“This is insane,” Yoongi shook his head. “They’re trying to kill you because you were almost raped?”

“Well, you know how it works,” you shrugged. “Convicted of something, and someone privileged either gets the story dismissed or goes through a punishment 1/10th of what they actually deserve. And because he was the king, of course, no one really knew the real story, and I’m accused of treason and attempted murder.”

“Well, removing his testicles might’ve been a bit extreme,” Yoongi points out, receiving a glare from you.

“We do it to dogs all the time, Yoongi,” you mutter. “It’s called getting someone fixed. He was a bitch anyway, am I right? Am I right or am I right Yoongi? Yoongi?”

“Be quiet! I hear someone!” he says, slapping a hand over your mouth. You grumble, licking a stripe along his palm and causing him to wipe his hand against his pajama bottoms, disgusted.

“A to the G to the U to the STD-”

“How is your phone able to receive calls on an entirely different planet?!” Yoongi asks, flabbergasted once he heard your ringtone.

You rolled your eyes, turning it off. “Yoongi, I’m a genius who builds robots and travels to other dimensions, how could I not figure out how to do that?”

Yoongi rolls his eyes, “You know someone could’ve found out our location.”

“You’re acting grumpier than a man who’s two wives left him, is currently doing cocaine with hookers, and paying them with the money the government gives him for mental illness he faked and is yelling cuss words at baseball games while his psychiatrist sits behind him as he’s unaware,” you roll your eyes.

“How are you so specific about these things?”

“I’ve seen things. There are tons of universes with problems just like ours. Like teenage girls who are forced to keep the baby and end up getting kicked out of their homes and have to become strippers or prostitutes to live and eat and just end up getting addicted to heroine. Or perhaps the little boys who are abused by their girlfriends and can’t tell anyone or risk their masculinity. Or the people who are repeatedly told they don’t have a mental illness because apparently, they don’t exist.”

“Alright, you’re getting dark. What are we going to do? We’ll get caught eventually,” Yoongi huffs.

“It’s fine,” you say. “Besides, we need to get to the palace. I wouldn’t doubt if the king himself would be the one holding that underrated and practically unknown talent from the world. He’s an awful man, Yoongi, the one who’s more terrifying than the portrayals of him. He’s the one who haunts kids, who causes the worst dreams and inhabits your nightmares!”

A chill ran down Yoongi’s spine at your description, though he refused to show it. “What is he, a werewolf?”

“Say, have you ever had sex with a werewolf?” you ask him, getting side-tracked. “I don’t mean that midnight sparkle bullshit, I mean like an actual werewolf. Man, definitely something I’ll go back to. Wasn’t bestiality necessarily, but if it is considered bestiality, it’s never felt better.”

“Y/N!” Yoongi snaps, trying to keep a straight face. “Stop getting perverted and side-tracked for five seconds and figure out how we can get this Uranus chick?”

“It’s Mars, you uncultured swine,” you fire back, pursing your lips. “Alright, I’ll whip something up.” You take one last swig of the bottle, and toss it to the side, getting up and running off.

Yoongi’s eyes were wide, “Wait, are you leaving me here? Y/N? Y/N!”

He must’ve screamed too loud because the horde of the laser-shooting monsters was now running towards him, discovering his hiding place and he was already running. God, he should’ve slept in, he loves to sleep, why’d he agree to this?

Tampons and lasers were shooting through the air, and soon enough it was just him and Marsha, who was crying while pointing her gun directly at him, pressing the barrel against his forehead. “Drop your weapon!” she shouted out, her throat swelled and a gurgling sound accompanying her cries.

Yoongi dropped the tampon-gun, which had run out of tampons not too long ago, and he was silently praying for you to finally show up like usual and fuck shit up.

“You’re going to die today, twerp,” Marsha hisses, pressing it harder against his head. “This is all your fault.”

A shot fires and Marsha crumbles, her shoulder bleeding out from the wound. Yoongi sees nothing there until you take off a necklace, revealing yourself and a crazy and brightly-colored gun by your side. “You got receipts, Judge Judy?” you say snidely. You shoot in her head about three more times, positive she’s dead.

“Where were you?” Yoongi asked, trying to catch his breath.

“I had to go to a planet of tiny bigfoots to get a legally-safe necklace,” you say, holding it out. “This’ll help us sneak in. I’ll be recognized on the spot, I’m too popular. Those D-Bags once tried to arrest me when I was eating fucking waffles, but it took them forever to actually do it. A lot of the time these idiots just stand around and wait for you to murder one of them.”

Yoongi raises a brow. “How am I going to sneak into the palace? For fuck’s sake I jus murdered someone again.”

“We’ll dress you as a butler. Trust me, these guys are idiots. If you have a bowtie on they won’t even think twice about if you’re human. And if any one of these pea-brains suspects, my invisible ass can knock them the fuck out,” you say, holding up the special gun. “I made this out of a kid’s water gun and alien testicles.”

“What?!”

“I’m kidding,” you laugh. “It wasn’t a water gun, it was a Nerf gun. Man, that prep shit is great.”

“That’s disgusting,” Yoongi grimaces.

“And I’m still going to be sucking your dick tonight,” you wink. “Now, I’m getting hornier by the minute, so let’s get this over with.”

True enough, when Yoongi had on a bow tie, no one seemed to recognize him as someone who caused a rampage just half an hour ago. You snuck him in the palace by opening certain doors, and he could hear the small beeps and such from whatever invisible gadget you were working with, and he swore he could feel a bit of your lab coat brushing against his leg.

“We’re almost to the King’s bedroom,” you say. “Argo’s hot as shit, so no doubt he’s doing terrible things to her. We can rescue her of course, but we also need to shoot the bastard.”

Yoongi wasn’t quite able to hear what you were saying, mainly because a maid who walked past kept on muttering, “I love my job, I love my job, I love my job,” and he was too busy trying to not seem suspicious, though he trusted your plan.

“I want to go to bed,” Yoongi grumbles.

“And you also want to be top for once, but clearly not everything goes your way,” you grumble, and Yoongi rolls his eyes at your ribbing. “And we’re here!”

An electrical door was before you two, and a code had to be punched in. Yoongi spied how the buttons were pressed down in a complex and intricate, rather random, order, and soon the door shot up and revealed the room. You slipped off the necklace, entering the room as the two of you stared at the walls, which were worn and a faded yellow.

“It’s like fifty shades of depression,” you grumble. “Where’s Argo?”

Yoongi’s eyes searched the room, and he tugged at your sleeve. “By any chance, would it be the chick in the corner?” You turned to look at the direction he was pointing towards, and sure enough, the blonde girl was in the corner, shivering.

“ARGO!” you exclaimed. “Big fan, how are you doing girl?” The girl didn’t respond, just shivering still. You narrowed your eyes, going closer.

“Y/N, she might be traumatized,” Yoongi warned. “Are you sure you want to-” You gripped onto her hair, yanking her head off, and Yoongi was stunned, jaw dropping. “What the fuck?!”

“This isn’t Mars Argo!” you say, spiteful. “This is… this is a vibrating sex doll!”

“You’re joking,” Yoongi gaped. “Also where do I buy one?”

You swatted his arm, glaring at him. “And you call me a pervert.”

“You are!” Yoongi said, giving you the typical ‘wtf’ stare.

Suddenly the two of you heard some clapping, and a figure slid out from under the bed, similar to Rosé’s slide in Boombayah. You cross your arms as the figure stops clapping, standing to reveal that he was a shadowy creature, with elongated features and long, talon-like fingers, the tips as sharp as knives.

“I’d hate to be the girl fingered by that guy,” you whisper to Yoongi, and he cringes away from you. You glare at the figure. “Hello, Your Majesty. Apparently, the Boogey Man himself isn’t above the slow clap entrance.”

“And apparently the mad scientist isn’t above the 'pointing out how lame the slow clap entrance is’ cliche,” the figure fires back. “Who’s your friend?”

“Min Yoongi,” you comment. You look to the boy, gesturing to the creature before you. “Boogey Man.”

“You’re the Boogey Man?” Yoongi asks.

The creature crosses his arms crossly, “What’d you expect?”

“I don’t know, maybe that living beanbag full of bugs? Like from The Nightmare Before Christmas?”

“What’s that?” the Boogey Man asks.

“American pop culture reference,” you say. “Unimportant. Where’s Argo?”

“Ah,” the Boogey Man chuckled. “We knew you’d come for her, so once we got news that you killed someone- as you always do- we sent her home. Don’t worry, she’s on her way to Earth now.”

“Wait, hold up, why is the Boogey Man the king of some alien planet?” Yoongi asks, baffled. “Is no one questioning this?”

“Yoongi,” you sigh. “We don’t have time to discuss the history of the Boogey Man. Next thing you know you’ll want me to say how I sunk Atlantis!”

“Wait, you did what!?”

“Anyways,” you dismiss him. “How’d you know I’d go after her? She hasn’t been seen for years, man. For all you knew I couldn’t care less.”

“Lucky guess,” the creature shrugged. “Next time we’ll kidnap him,” he pointed to Yoongi.

“Oh fuck no,” Yoongi said. His eyes wandered around the room, and he spotted something similar to your newly crafted gun and grabbed it, pointing it at the Boogey Man. “Try shit and I’ll shoot you with this.”

You grimaced, face palming. “Yoongi… you’re… Yoongi you’re holding a space dildo.”

“What?!” he stared down at his weapon of choice in horror and remembered you saying something about your gun being made with alien testicles. He dropped it, grimacing and wiping his hands frantically against his clothes. “Oh dear God.”

You rolled your eyes, shaking your head and handing him the necklace. “You need this more than I do, so it seems.” You turn to the Boogey man, “Why’d you lure me here after what I did to you last time?”

“I want my genitals back,” he hissed, shaking a fist at you. “And then, I’ll kill you!”

You quirk a brow, a smirk being plastered over your face. “Is that so? Why didn’t you say so! I have it right here.” You pull out the new gun you made, and Yoongi had the most horrified expression, as did the Boogey Man.

“My beautiful testicles!” he shouted out. “You’ll pay!”

Yoongi simply facepalmed, shaking his head. “What is wrong with you people?”

“Come and get them,” you hissed, beginning to shoot at him. He shot down under the bed, a low hiss that was rather snake-like coming from underneath. You shot at the bed, seeing him climb from behind to latch and crawl onto the wall, and he pounced.

Yoongi’s scream of fear was well earned, and the Boogey Man had his talon-like fingers around the boy’s neck, the tips barely piercing the soft skin. “I’ll kill him first,” the Boogey Man hissed out.

Yoongi knew you’d probably shoot anyway, regardless of whether or not he was in the Boogey Man’s grasp, so he thought quick. Throwing the necklace over his head, and the Boogey Man jumped back in surprise, and Yoongi had to duck down as the monster swiped and clawed at the air. Yoongi crawled on all fours, hearing you call out, “Atta boy, Yoongi! Yoongi my man, Yoongi. Yoongi, dunno where you are, but try not to get caught. Got that Yoongi?”

Yoongi huffed in response, crawling to the side as you began wildly shooting at the monster, though it jumped from the walls and crawled on the ceiling. Jesus, that thing was creepy.

“You’re probably a pedophile!” you shout at him. “Hiding beneath kids’ beds and all! Pervert! Take this! Die already! Pew pew mother fucker!”

You shot wildly, and Yoongi wasn’t exactly sure how much ammo you had left. Thinking fast (and cringing all the while) he grabbed what he mistook as a gun earlier and threw it at the back of the monster’s head, causing it to be surprised and fall to the floor. You took the opportunity to shoot him in the leg, rendering him immobile. You stepped on the creature’s neck, pressing the gun against his head and twisting his arms behind his back.

“You’re going to be killed with your own balls,” you tell him. “And you deserve it for making me come all this way for nothing!”

“Please!” the Boogey Man cried out. “Have mercy! I’ll do anything! People will perish if I die, and all will go into anarchy and-”

You fired, and the Boogey Man was dead. Huffing, you stretched your arms, scrunching your nose. “Does that look like my problem?”

Yoongi slipped off the necklace, becoming visible once again as he looked to the Boogey Man. “You know, I figured he’d have a sack over his head or something.”

“He’ll be having a body sack soon,” you shrug.

“Should we be concerned with the future of this planet since their king is dead?” Yoongi asks.

“Nah,” you shrug. “Yoongi, am I really the type to be concerned with this shit? You know me, I’m an asshole who’s a slight alcoholic. But I’m a genius, so it makes up for it.”

“Yeah, I guess,” Yoongi shrugs. “You’re a dick. Most times. Other times you almost seem as though you have some level of humanity.”

“Oh I need to fix that,” you grumble. “No more of that fucking bullshit. Anyways, let’s get to the ship, I’ve been horny for the past hour or something and I need to let off some steam from that fucking Boogey Man.” You pull out the portal gun, aiming at the wall, and the familiar green swirl appeared.

“I don’t understand your sexual appetite sometimes,” Yoongi shakes his head. He’s been wide awake now, especially after the Boogey Man, and he could definitely fall back asleep with what you’d sometimes call 'Nyquil’.

“You know what should’ve happened? Dance battle, I mean, they’ve got to call him 'Boogey’ Man for some reason,” you say. “Man, that was disappointing. I didn’t even get to meet Mars Argo!”

“You know she probably won’t make music still, after being kidnapped by aliens and all,” Yoongi points out.

“Way to put the cherry on top of a pretty disappointing day, Yoongi,” you say. “Now, let’s just hope you don’t disappoint me. You’re lucky I’ve seen and sat on your dick so many times I know it’s not the size of a goldfish. This is my reward for you because you did a good job today. Don’t upset me where I revoke blowing privileges.”

Yoongi laughed hard at that, following you as you climbed through the portal, landing inside the spaceship, which was evidently in your workshop that you stowed away in an abandoned factory.

“You know, I’m pretty sure you mentioned you wanted to fuck in here once,” you mention as the portal closes.

“Yeah,” Yoongi says, watching as you slowly remove the lab coat tied around your waist, pushing it to the side. He admitted to you one of the nights he agreed to get drunk with you that he wanted to have sex in the back of your ship, since not only it was it roomier, but c'mon, how often do you have sex in the back of a space ship? Granted it was apparently made from parts of robot prostitutes, but Yoongi learned from you not to overthink things and to just relax. Or, rather, let chaos ensue. Whatever floats your boat.

He let you take control, letting out a sigh of content as your pants yanked down his pajama bottoms and boxers, taking his dick in your hand and slowly pumping him.  You sit between his legs as he sits in the backseat, and he watches to see your hand travel into your pants, rubbing yourself in front of him. Yoongi bit his lip, giving you a dark look as you wore a mischievous look on your face.

You offered a small kitten lick at the tip, making Yoongi hiss out slightly. You were the type to drag out teasing for extended about of times, but tonight you owed him this, so that meant you couldn’t torture him forever as you would’ve preferred. You knew it, and soon enough your lips wrapped around the head, and you slowly sunk down his length. Your tongue was pressing against the shaft of his dick, the warm muscle making him hiss in pleasure.

He let out a low groan as the head made contact with the back of your throat, which was an incredibly soft spot. It took a lot of self-restraint to avoid bucking up into your mouth, and you stayed there, swallowing around him. The sensation had a low moan slipping from between his lips, and he could tell that really turned you on.

Your hand was rubbing faster and faster in your pants, the hand motions small but furious, and when Yoongi’s eyes weren’t trying to roll to the back of his head with each time you swallowed around him, he tried to peek down at your hand as you rubbed yourself vigorously.

His hands curled into fists at his sides as your mouth popped off of him, and you inhaled greedy amounts of air. “Are you enjoying this so far, Yoongi?” you purr to him.

“Fuck,” he mumbles. “Yeah. God, you’re great at that.”

Both of your hands reached up to grip his cock, the one glistening with your juices already sliding up and down his length, and the other massaging his balls. You batted up at him, your eyes seductive and pupils blown out with lust. “Want me to ride you, Yoongi?”

He bit his lip, “Please.”

You smirked, “Perfect.” Quickly, you slipped your pants off, dragging your underwear down your legs as well. You climbed up onto the seat, straddling Yoongi’s hips as he leaned back, letting you take control. Your hips swayed, your heat hovering directly over his, and you gripped onto his length, keeping it upright and still as you started rubbing yourself against him. The feeling was pure torture, but he knew you wouldn’t let him get rewarded without a little teasing.

Slowly you sank down on him, and as you did so you sank your teeth down on his shoulder, biting down as he filled you. “You fill me up so good, Yoongi,” you moaned out, and soon your lips were attached to his neck, sucking tentatively as you moved up and down his length, letting him have a moan of content, a chill running down his spine at your words

Ironically enough, the only time you weren’t saying something absolutely ridiculous and inappropriate or being an absolute pervert was during sex. The only time you weren’t making asshole-type comments towards him (though, to be fair he had his moments where he did it back to you, and nothing was taken personally of course), was when you were whispering dirty things in his ear instead.

Sometimes Yoongi wondered why he was going on those wild adventures with you when he could be focusing more on his studies or perhaps sleeping since you cut into that schedule so often. Truthfully he wouldn’t trade your adventures for the world because while he always acted annoyed with them, in reality, they were the highlight of his day or week. Except for the murder parts, he wasn’t so keen on that.

But the parts that really made it all worth it? This. When you were riding him vigorously, sweat forming on your forehead as you moved up and down his cock. When you’d give him pleasure and continue to reach your own, murmuring things about how much you loved riding him and how good his cock made you feel. Your hand was rubbing fast circles around your clit, and strands of your hair were sticking to your neck and forehead, a thin sheen of sweat making you seem shiny.

“Yoongi, just like that,” you panted in his ear, one of your hands coming up to grip onto him. “I’m so close, Yoongi, can you feel me squeezing around your dick? God, I’m so close, I’ll spasm over your cock, I swear.”

Your favorite thing was talking dirty, and Yoongi simply smiled at your words as you stroked his ego. He felt how your walls clenched around his length, and he hissed at the sensation, his hands on your hips as he guided your hips. You felt so warm around him, and from how your whimpers and moan were getting breathy and higher, he knew you were close to your orgasm.

“I’m gonna cum,” you breath. “Fuck, fuck, fuck!”

You still around him, and he feels how your walls tighten around him, and your legs quiver the slightest bit at the sensation, and you press your sweaty forehead against his shoulder, panting hard.

“You good?” Yoongi murmured.

“Yeah,” you whispered. “Cum in me, Yoongi.”

He worked at maneuvering your hips, having you bounce on top of him once again, and you do your best to clench your walls around him, adding more friction to your otherwise slippery walls to get him to cum. He makes fast thrusts and pumps into you, chasing his high as he felt it rise up, and before he knew it he was filling you up, and both of you were panting, sweaty messes.

“Oh, fuck,” he murmured, and you slipped off of him, hovering the slightest bit. He watched as your hands dived beneath your heat, slipping between your legs. You brought them out, the small digits coated in the white, slippery liquid of both of your cum. Yoongi opened his mouth obediently, and you slipped the fingers in his hot cavern, letting him swirl his tongue around it and swallow the liquid.

“You like your own cum?” you smirk. He only hums in response, staring at you darkly. You giggle, pecking his lips as you climbed off. “I need to go to the restroom to pee now, thanks a lot. I give that a 7 out of 10 because we couldn’t use the toys. But it made my day better.”

“You’re such a fucking dick,” Yoongi laughs, his gummy smile showing that he was satisfied. He could still taste the weird mixture on his tongue.

You winked at him, pulling on your pants and panties, tying your lab coat around your waist. “Don’t act so mortified. You love it.”

“As if,” he scoffed.