#mom bought me barbies & I got into this after she died this year

[glynnisi]

Things I've Learned Since I Went Insane & Started Collecting Barbies

There are about a bazillion Barbies in the world.

They can be expensive & addictive & most are super pretty. Except poor Scooter, who is so homely I saw a video where the owner only displays her with a mask on. And I don't WANT poor Scooter in my collection. I don't much want Tutti, either... her eyes kind of scare me sometimes.

African American dolls from the 60's and 70's are rare because fewer of them were made then (Christies & Julias, mostly). They're gorgeous. The original "Black Francie" goes for like $5k now. No African American doll was named "Barbie" until 1980.

"Titan" in place of "Titian" is the "lose/loose" dilemma of Barbie EBay when people try to describe red hair.

It's almost impossible to get smoke smell out of vinyl, not so hard to get it out of cloth.

Barbie dolls & fashions were super well made up until they booted Ruth Handler out of the company (mid 70's). Today's Barbie clothes are trash in comparison.

When they gave up quality as #1 product driver, Mattel got super innovative and tried all sorts of gimmicks. Walking dolls, talking dolls, dolls with sleepy eyes, dolls whose hair grew, dolls whose bust expanded & waists stretched taller, and many many shaving/beardy/hairy Ken variations.

Vintage Francie fashions cost a fortune. Julia clothes cost a fortune. Vintage Francie can wear some of the newest fashions, like the dresses from the Barbie movie. Vintage Barbie cannot because she's bustier.

Oxiclean really works & Vinegar cold wash sets colors.

Barbie hair was super durable, especially given all kids put it through. Original styles hold well and can be restored by novices.

The first Barbie was a knock off of a German sex doll from a newspaper comic.

The original Barbie earring posts were made of copper. Green Ear is horrific, but over a long time may respond to CLR or Zit cream treatment.

1970s Barbie dolls broke a hip about 10x more easily than the ones made in Japan in the 60's.

It's incredibly hard to dress Vintage (1961-67) Ken. I have a lot more sympathy for the time my sister broke off her Ken's thumb now. There were no Kens in 1968 and he got beefier in 1969. Poor new Ken has few really good clothes, most are tragically loud.

It was much easier to dress dolls when I was a kid because I had tiny, nimble fingers and no notion that the green shoes with the little pearls on them could sell for $120 on EBay in 2023 (since they came with a $3 outfit in 1964). I just jammed them on unforgiving high heel feet without a care in the world.

I'm still a child at heart.

[words2be]

When my mother lay on her death bed, she was frustrated that her life was left undone. We were alone in the hospital room at Olean General, and she was in pain and confused from the opiates delivered through a Brompton’s serum administered to terminal cancer patients in those days. She knew her life was over, and she was sad that she could not complete the things she had started. She said to me, “Oh Barbie, what am I going to do?”

I was 19 and knew everything. I said, “If it were me, I would quit taking all the medications, and I would get up and walk out of here.” She struggled to get out of bed. Fumbling with her IV, she drew back the covers and grasped the chrome railings with her bruised hands. Her slim wrists cracked as she tried to lift herself. She could barely sit up let alone stand. She said, “I can’t do it.” And she lay back down and died a few days later.

I thought my mother could wish away her pain and her death sentence. I bought into the idea that our conscious thought can alter the physical evidence. At that time I had not yet read any new wave philosophy. Now I have read much of it and discovered it is easy to think pain away when the pain is insignificant but not so easy when it is life threatening. Fear is a much louder voice than hope. My own diagnosis has made me realize that the relationship between determination and hopelessness is much more a dance than a negotiation.

Fear is an aggressive dance partner leading you this way and that, and sometimes towards giving in. Ekhart Tolle has scared off many a reader by suggesting a means to relief is to die before you die. We can find comfort in the knowledge that life here in this version ends for everyone. We shut our eyes and step into another plane. It is a great gift that for most of our lives we ignore this truth. But in our ignorance, we embody only one side of the dance. I am coming to see fear as a means to awaken myself and come alive to the moment I am in now.

Facing fear is both acceptance of this life’s inevitable end and responsibility for desiring life now. About twenty years ago a regression therapist hypnotized me. In the hypnotic state I was directed through a tunnel to a cave where a fire should have been burning. Mary, the regressionist, asked me how brightly the flames burned, and I responded that the flame was low, a very small fire. She said, “oh dear, that is what I thought.” When I came out of the hypnotic state I asked her why she said that and what it meant. She said that the flame represents our desire for life. When the flame is low we do not have a strong desire to live this life. She did say, however, that some people see no flame at all, and that I saw one meant that I could fan this flame and learn to desire living.

My mother had little to no flame. She said many, many times that she would die and we would dance on her grave. She did die young. I have never danced on her grave, although one time shortly after she died I drove to the cemetery and briefly considered doing it. Death is always accompanied by anger. I was not only angry about her apparently self-willed death, I was angry about the way she lived and her enormous capacity for abusive meanness.

I died just a little for the first time in 1968 as a result of an eruption of said meanness. It was Christmas Eve day, and my sisters and I were huddled on the couch in our trailer watching Rocketship 7. I spied the chocolate milk balls wrapped in Christmas foil in the candy dish over the tv. I remembered that Mom had said we could eat them on Christmas, and so I began and convinced my sisters to join me. In short order we had emptied the dish. My mother had worked the third shift at Acme Electric and was asleep in the back of the trailer. When she got up and saw the red and green tinfoil strewn about the living area and the candy bowl empty, she flew into a rage. She screamed and yelled and swore, and she brutally heaved the entire Christmas tree, lights and ornaments and all, out the door into a snow bank. The shame of it punctured the center of my chest as if the tree had been a spear she drove right through me. I spent the rest of my childhood steeling myself against her rage, and never attended properly to the wounds.

To die before you die is to live. For me that means releasing the paralysis of shame I have embraced all these years. As devoid of content as so many people claim that social media is, I sometimes find morsels of wisdom there that allow entry into thoughts of relief. Recently two memes kept passing by, and each time I read them, they interrupted the ongoing noise of anger playing on repeat in the background of my conscious thought: when a parent is abusive to a child, the child does not stop loving the parent. She stops loving herself. And my mother’s failure was not so much in her inability to love me as it was in her inability to love herself. I have chosen to let these ideas speak to me and to forgive myself for all unkindnesses forged in a cycle of lovelessness.

I have come to see my own cancer diagnosis as a summons to appreciate my life. I am both dancers in this dance, acutely alive and not afraid to fly. I share this now in some small effort to say what I should say and finish what is left undone.

[iamartemisday]

Lokane Untold Truths

Jane was six the first time it happened. It was mid-December. She’d exhausted every option available to her to complete her mission. In desperation, she threw all caution to the wind and came out with it. “Daddy, what am I getting for Christmas?” 

He looked into her eyes and said, “a junior telescope set and that scientist Barbie doll you wanted. Also a young reader’s copy of Pride and Prejudice. I think your mother wants to corrupt you early.”

When he finished speaking he looked shocked for all of a second. He didn’t have long because he’d, unfortunately, spilled the beans within earshot of his wife, who spent the next few minutes berating him while Jane danced in place at the thought of a telescope.

Over time, more incidents like that began to occur.

“Mrs. Mason,” she asked her third grade teacher the day she announced they’d have a sub for the rest of the week, “how come you’re going on vacation now instead of on the weekend?”

“Oh I’m not actually going on vacation,” Mrs. Mason said. “I’m getting a colonoscopy and I need to spend the next few days cleaning out my bowels.”

Everyone laughed as their poor teacher turned bright red and tried to backtrack. 

For a while, Jane actually thought it was pretty funny.

“Hey Bobby, how come you won’t go down the slide?” she asked the playground bully.

“Because I’m afraid of heights,” he said. “They make me cry.”

No one took his bullying seriously after that.

One day, it stopped being funny.

“Why don’t you want to eat lunch with me?” she asked Maggie, her best friend in the world since kindergarten.

“Because I don’t like you anymore,” Maggie said. “You’re a weird geek and I want to hang out with the cool kids now.”

Jane didn’t really sit with anyone after that.

By the time she reached high school, she knew something was wrong with her. Or maybe something was right. There were perks to her strange little ability just as much as their were downsides. She’d long since figured out a few things.

Her power only worked when she made eye contact with the target.

Glasses of any sort would not protect them.

Wearing glasses herself would.

Jane couldn’t understand that last one. Perhaps it was a mental block she’d placed on herself to protect her relationships after what happened with Maggie. Or maybe it was just always there.

In her sophomore year, she got up the courage to as the boy she liked on a date (simple yes or no question, it couldn’t possibly go wrong). 

“I’d like to, but I can’t,” he said. “My dad beats my mom and I’m afraid to date because I don’t want to be like him.”

The next day, Jane bought six pairs of contact lenses.

For years, she wore them religiously. Nobody ever questioned her. Not in college, not in grad school, not in the desert. Darcy called them lens buddies and Jane didn’t have the heart to correct her. 

It got easier to forget about all the chaos her power had caused. She’d remind herself that it could’ve been a lot worse and all things considered, she’d made it to adulthood relatively unscathed. Every now and then she’d forget to put in her contacts and get to hear all about a neighbor’s marital problems or how the overly macho guy at the bar was deeply in love with his male best friend. Otherwise, her days were uneventful and she could almost pretend she was completely normal.

Thor came to her in a storm and they had their adventure.

He came back to her in another storm when an ancient power was (not so) inexplicably drawn to her. That was a bit rough of a reunion. Jane was not exactly happy about his two years of radio silence. Even worse, whatever was inside her had decided it didn’t like contact lenses. They burned like pure fire when she tried to put them back in.

“It’s good to see you,” Jane said, instead of asking where he’d been or any other question she both did and didn’t want the answer to. 

He was nice enough to explain, and it was a good explanation. Taking her to Asgard and giving her the grand tour also helped his case. 

Jane still couldn’t find the same affection for him that she’d once had, if she had it at all. Their three days in the desert had been a whirlwind of confusing emotions as her entire life was upturned in an instant. Now that they had time to stop and think, Jane wasn’t seeing much more in him than a good friend. 

And then came Loki.

Or course Jane knew him, if only in name and face. She got to know him about more closely when she punched him in the face for attaching New York.

“I like her,” he said, smiling evilly at her.

Jane stared at him with her uncovered eyes and got a terrible, but all too tempting idea. “Do you get off on being hit?”

“Not precisely,” he said, “but I do love a woman with fire.”

Jane didn’t know what was funnier, his face or Thor’s. She glanced at Sif and shrugged like she had no idea what was happening and then casually reminded the brothers that they should probably get moving. 

The ride out of Asgard was bumpy, and Jane only remembered parts of it. She woke up as they reached Svartalfheim. The Aether called to her, swirling through her with renewed ferocity at the prospect of going ‘home’. 

“Finally awake I see,” Loki said, grinning evilly. “That didn’t take long at all.”

“What scared you most as a child?” Jane asked.

“Freya’s cats,” Loki said. “One of them bite me once and I’ve never liked them since.”

Even given the circumstances, Thor couldn’t not laugh. “I knew it.”

If Loki smacked the elves around a little harder than necessary, Jane wouldn’t comment. He was actually kind of gentle with her, even as he shoved her out of the way of a vortex sucking them up. 

When he died, Jane actually felt bad for making him expose his secrets like that. Even for someone like him, using her powers like that was just petty. Now that the Aether was gone, those contacts were going right back in. She didn’t even take them out a month later when she and Thor agreed to go their separate ways. It was all for the best anyway.

Late one night, when she been planning another all nighter to finish updated her bridge schematic, she was suddenly overcome with sleep. She awoke in a misty place. Nothing was around for miles, but she wasn’t scared. Nothing could hurt you in a dream, she knew, no matter what the old wive’s tales said.

Even when Loki appeared before her, she didn’t react. Dream or no dream, she wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of scaring her.

“Ask me anything,” he said.

Jane blinked her naked eyes. “Is this real?”

“Yes.”

“Are you alive?”

“Yes.”

“How can that be when I saw you die?”

“You saw me lose consciousness, though in fairness, I thought I was dying as well. It seems luck was for once on my side.”

A vision of Asgard appeared. Odin alone on his throne with Gugnir. He smiled warmly at his subjects, though for a moment, his eyes turned green.

“Are you pretending to be Odin?” she asked.

“Yes.”

“What did you do with him?”

“He’s in a retirement home on Midgard. Don’t worry, I chose a nice one.”

“Do you visit him?”

“Once a week.”

“Nice. The orderlies must love you.”

“That wasn’t a question, but yes, they do. I’m a loving, dedicated son in their eyes.”

Jane was fast getting sick of this dream. And she really hated her sneaking suspicion this wasn’t a dream at all and Loki really was alive right now. 

“So what now? What do you want from me?”

He stepped closer. “You have an amazing gift, Jane. One which not even I can resist.”

“Thank you,” Jane said. “That’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me.”

He laughed. “I don’t believe I have you under a spell, my dear.”

“Do you?”

“I don’t.” He smiled. “You are free to speak as you wish, though I am bound to your every whim.”

“What if I asked you to tell me your greatest secret?”

“You know I would tell you. I would have no choice.”

“Would you want to?”

“I would,” he stepped closer. He was so tall and actually extremely handsome. Weird how she was only just starting to notice. “I would happily tell you anything. You and only you.”

Jane swallowed. Even knowing what she could do, he looked so sincere. “Do… do you regret what you did?”

For the first time, he hesitated and all but whispered his response. “I’m starting to.”

“Do you want to make it right?”

“I don’t think I can.”

“But would you try?”

Another, longer hesitation. A quieter response. “Yes.”

Jane nodded. She took his hand and held it tight. “Then when you’re ready to visit Odin again, come find me.”

The dream ended there and Jane was awake in her lab. She stared at the clock and her heart missed a beat. Not even a minute had passed since she closed her eyes. Almost like that whole event occurred on another plane of existence. 

‘It did,’ she told herself. ‘In a dream world.’

But did it really?

She heard footsteps behind her, but wasn’t afraid. He was there when she turned around. Not as Odin, but as himself. He had trimmed his hair a bit and donned a suit. Though he held her gaze, there was a hint of trepidation behind his eyes. 

Jane stood and approached him. This time, she had only one question. “Why?”

He took her hands “Don’t you see, Jane? I am the God of Lies. You are the Goddess of Truth.” He leaned in close. Jane couldn’t stop him if she wanted to as their lips met. “We were made for each other.”

And that was the God’s honest truth.

[myheartbeatskids]

So Declan loved me and we talked about science and lab babies and clones and all that. So He told me he loved me because i was the first person to really really listen and understand as opposed to being the one to teach.

And so he had understood what he was taught then developed and built upon it correctly with help from his own brain and God. And del Muerte whom helped me understand as well cause that shit was mind blowing.

So he asked me to have his soul mate. To give birth to her.

And I was pretty much dragged out and Declan ran the show after that.

I agreed but it was more like a thing where i had to focus and talk instead of fainting.

So Matt actually helped to implant because I have an upturned uterious and so things like that are painful because of the rigidity and non flexible as i need materials used while Jeremiah comforted and helped me relax.

So then essentially i was kidnapped.

Declan is part clone and part Neanderthal.

Annabelle is part clone and part Neanderthal.

So some of us from Michael Jackson's boarding school --- although I wasn't i stayed there alot on my own. So i was part of it, unofficially as i am a civilian doing military shit now. --- have clones in a laboratory. But they are miniature human size as they are kept in barbie size containers.

Since Declan was a clone Jesse gave permission to make, they said i should use a clone.

It took 5 eggs until Declan approved the child that would be created in the embryo. Del Muerte communicated to us what God said.

Most males get their soul mates at age 7. Declan was only 2 years old. So God hadnt had enough experience to program or create his perfect soulmate.

So it just so happened it was 2 years of plus 5 embryos which makes the year 7 while added together.

So when Annabelle was born Declan came to get me and her but my now ex-husband got me all fucked up and i had amnesia and all that and i remember the power struggle type issues while signing the birth certificate which is why i get child support as my ex swore bla bla bla and signed papers to those statements but I was all "Dude while he's signing let's run!" Because he pissed me off during that time and i was all no hes wrong and all... But I guess I was scared of him or his aura csused me confusion or Idk. I remember feeling sick.

So craziness. We are 16 years late. And unfortunately yet fortunately a lot of research was done and i have a lot of government apology money coming my way. Which i don't have yet.... But soon.

This is Cambria AvaLynn named after Alexis Dejoria.

Because Matt's parents were into hiding, they named him after a mat. A common object so in case of ESP feom the people they hid from they would think "welcome mat" like welcome to travel with us son named Matt. Welcome to eat at the dining table, Matt. Well, come, Matt.

So came or come because i would always want to see Matt so I would say "You came!!!" When i saw him and hug him and he would say "welcome"

And Bria after me.

Turning the x into a v (for Victory) and Lynn as in the 80s most of my friends on the military base i lived on has Lynn as their middle names. So to remind me she is a friend.

She's my child that was ectopic due to the sponges Jamie & Doug Otis found and reminded us of. But we went to the hospital because i began to hemmoragge and they were able to save her and her twin.

Then my mom killed her and he died naturally as he was in ICU TO experiment on them being raised/healed as premies temporarily as one within an incubator and the other skin to skin contact. As woman need to be comforted more, we picked Ava to bring home.

They were the first experiment with soul mates being born as twins. Both clones of my and Jeremiah and his being Ava and my being the male Andrew.

Andrew after Jesse... "And he drew" cause he was always drawing beautifully.

And the other clones were of Jesse James and Alexis.

Alexis got kidnapped by her dad and so the story goes... I did too Eventually

Jeremiah's dad helped us as the grandparent in house.

This is Declan.

He told Jeremiah "I'm not the one sitting around waiting with a pouted lip waiting for someone to do it for me. Now i found the woman and go get my kid!!"

Dude WTF I'm not having someones kid... I'm only 21!!

"Now im the man around the house and what I say goes!!! And you are going to have my kid!!"

Dude whatever. So i did dream into the lab with them but... I thought we were just playing and so i agreed and so next thing i knew there was a frozen child ready to be implanted. Thus my ability to be kidnapped so easily...

Cause when a kid is all telling you about clones and labs and shit... And you're hearing voices... that shit is insane. Literally.

So i didn't take it seriously enough.

But Declan is only 19 Now. And my kid is 16.

So it's old enough to have a romantic relationship. To avoid issues i had as a child with social services.

The plan was to have them grow up as friends but also believed it may been too dangerous....

Yet I still don't agree that it was.

However for the last 10 year's I have been working daily for my amnesia to be solved and also saving the world (of NHRA especially) at the same time.

And have earned multiple Nobel Peace Prizes which i have yet to receive.

So working on law enforcement and the military and government, about to break into the public school system and tear that up ;) as a civilian has earned me billions of dollars i have yet to receive....

But i have given away as i can and have bought businesses that I want.

As proof that the government does care about all its people's hopes and dreams they have bought them on my behalf and am gsining bank! And i shop st my own businesses too... Ironically! I been shopping at Loves for nearly a year... went into Speedway a few times now i drive an extra 5 miles just to shop there because i like it more!!

Robert, the shift manager finally told me tonight as I bought all the GIANTS for my Giant 6'7" man. And i turned the ones in Valencia County to Speedway in honor of Aaron and Paul (twins) who wanted to show the dangers of meth and the meth community as they honored me with my idea of how to end Breaking Bad with the movie reel of El Camino (the mother road) of the manner of the psychological reality of life gone wrong.

I freak Robert out... He was worried when he saw me there that I was to audit like a monster, fire everyone and work the cash register and store myself.

So tonight he saw I bought milkshakes (not available at Love's) figured it out and gave me a pack of smokes for free and blurted out why.

So i took all the giants as i always do and fucked them all up and made them better.

So i own them till i make my money back on the businesses and then they get given to who I intended it for... As I do double check they will always be worthy... If not i keep them for me because I was being good snd honest and fair the whole time.

So 360° K i own.

So i only compete with Love's whom I always promised the King's Highway to... You know him... As an old time Western Thug bitch ass womanizer player. Motorcycle Guru. Hot Rod extraordinaire. Texas loving son of a gun. Jesse James Smith! Just kidding... Just regular old ole fogie mad scientist Jesse Gregory Smith. Of West Coast Choppers. Which i own and always have as i put up the money for his business intending to always be in his life and helping him. So my apology... The only one i can ever give as i can't predict the future without help is Love. And he loves everyone and won't let Google tell.

I bought every gas station in the country as we will be switching to electric and hydro electric and non fuel and solar and hybrid autos by 2030. So the previous owners have a nice retirement and no stress. As the storage oil facilities that were shot in Saudia Arabia were actually empty. I own them.

Fossil fuels are actually the blood of dinosaurs and other dead bodies that are converted and broken down and dehydrated by plant life...

I found that out by the eternal bushes burning.. I mean growing... here on the mountain. Tumble weeds otherwise known as thyme. And we found via satellite tons of skeletons by Earth xrays under the bushes and some not as they are closer to the Earth surface. I found a wooly mammoth knuckle bone.

We moved here in 2002 and there was a patch of earth that looked like concrete by the mail boxes and we just drove over them assuming that's what it was.

They were mummified wooly mammoths. Now broken up and scattered all over the desert road.

I would not like my blood which could potentially bring me back to life wasted on a car... For someone to get to a job they hate. So no more. Not from the USA anyways.

One night I was at dinner and i said Obama needs to handle thwt South Dakota pipeline. My dad was all what is he supposed to do? All simple solutions were crap and had an argument. I said "then lie! Tell the American people they are scum! Tell them we opened the pipeline up and the pipes broke and destroyed the precious land that needs to be protected." My dad laughed and i felt kinda stupid for being so angry.

But Uncle Donald heard my point and so thats exactly what he did. Fake news? Its real.

Because he saw the change I made in the NHRA with some lies that laid very close to the truth.

You don't need to believe in reincarnation for it to happen. I didn't until about 6 months ago. But my mom's mom and my great aunt my grandma's sister ... Granny Bessie Heltons 2 daughters did. My grandma explained it to me one night when I was 18 as i had asked my Great Aunt Nita i was closer to but she didn't explain she just said "because i do" And the dictionary explaination i already knew. But my grandma traveled with me like y'all know i do And showed me.

We started in Heaven with only having one human life and having the soul figure of a human that we select. Hers was a teenage body, absolutely beautiful. With her old ass mind and experience. I told her what I wanted was to be a child. A dirty raggedy haired barefoot blonde without a care in the world, feeling smarter than I feel now... Because that is when i was happiest. When i saw i could end pain and suffering with death, when i knew life could escape heart ache, even when evil exist.

And so now on her second cat life with me, as her first caused her kidnapping by the same drug induced psycho piece of shit that arrested and molested Jesse James dog, Coco and her untimely death as I did record in Tumblr. "Sister Kitty" was kidnapped by him, hes in a special jail. He just had his pinkie finger nail and big toe nail removed as he did kidnap Mogar and slice his face and slice Kizzys leg. So in order to understand what he did he agreed to similar punishment as he did to our precious cargo...

Cargo my bitches!

Jesse: No! I only ask!

Me: who do i have to convince?

Jesse: Idk Jeremiah?

Me: Ava who is your dad?

Ava: Idk I guess not Jeremiah?? IDK!! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO TELL!? you all always told me they are both my dad's. Let me ask God. Oh! Jesse! ..... And Jeremiah

Me: your dad is your dad and dad he will always be no matter shine or high water, love will always be there for you and for me. Alexis, do you know that one?

She nods all teary..

Jesse: well did i get loves?!

Me: uhh yes ass hole! We always love you back. What do you want with a gas station with no gas? That's like having a family with out us, most especially me!

Jesse: well it got gas now!!!

Me: well gas up at your local, bring a truck. I got a lot of stuff.

Declan: you hear her? Most especially me! Me! Well, me too, you better pick me up.

Me: Jesse... You ready for Orlando?? I got a Chase bank account with the Princess Castle on the debit card... Just needs a little cash in the account.

Jesse: You Mean You Will Pay!!!

Me: i see that was not a question so that does not deserve a response. But yes. I am suppose to have a wire transfer per last night's discussions that will pay for it.

Jesse: WHOA SHIT!

Me: Jeremiah you down?

Jeremiah: to pay Miss Giant Owner?

Me: uhh I'm Miss Speedyway now. No.. Carry me through times square after some Disney World Fun!

Jeremiah: FUCK YES!! uhh yes thank you for inviting me. I will go

Matt Hagan: look look at this. Im the best friend i even got her kid named after me

Me: Matt Hagan... Looks like you're invited, The Best Friend. In or out of Disney World for the hotel.

Matt: IN!!

Me: youre definitely going you know how to do it right! Pops... You gonna stay home alone with your woman?

Pops: not if i don't have to

M3: you don't

Pops: shit! Oh yeah!

Chuck: what about Cookie!!

Me: you and bring Your comrades I need to talk to

Chuckie: oh Cookies going!

Me: I didn't know he could do the Conga.

Jesse: yes you did!

Me: no wonder it looked familiar.

[frcscrs]

sah dudes. here’s the new finest babe in my library. smash that like for some Plots:tm:

⋆ ° ⟡ ( BARBIE FERREIRA, twenty-five, cisfemale, she/her ) has SURI SOUZA, the LADY IN WAITING from GENOVIA arrived yet? i heard they can be quite HOT-TEMPERED, but also HARD-WORKING. there’s rumours they’ve come to genovia for KEEPING PRINCESS MIGNONETTE COMPANY AS HER LADY IN WAITING, but you never know. SPENDING HOURS PERFECTING A RECIPE, ANGER-FILLED SCREAMS AT THE SKY, AN EVER CHANGING CLOSET. always remind me of them.

tw: cancer, death

suri thinks the royals are rich assholes but at least they look hot doing it. 

her dad was genovian while her mother was from london. her mother was extremely young when she had suri, and his father didn’t really want anything to do with suri since he had a career trajectory. he was a few years older and it was a summer fling that went nowhere.

suri grew up seeing her father maybe... twice? it didn’t matter much though because she and her mom where number ones!

her mother, magnolia, was an avid hipster. being known in her hipster/punk community as the seamstress, suri grew around some pretty funky looks. it was also a benefit to have a mom who could make her own halloween costumes (she wouldn’t find out until much later in life it was more because of money)

she loved being with her mum. she loved going to concerts and going to shelters and riots and doing all the cool things with her. just because she had a kid, didn’t mean magnolia was going to stop being her. 

so we got a socialist here can i get a what what !!!! 

the only thing magnolia couldn’t do was cook. for the longest time, it was a lot of frozen pizzas and takeout. it was fine. meant yummy food for suri. it wasn’t until her mom started dating this really nice guy who could cook that suri’s life changed. he was a whizz. like crazy good. she loved standing in the kitchen and watching him cook. one year for christmas, he bought her her first cook book and they cooked together all weekend.

unfortunately, he didn’t stick around forever. mum said he wasn’t the long term kind of man. the kind that only looks at today and never at tomorrow. suri didn’t really get that at twelve, but she knew her mom was heartbroken. so she stepped up. she took on the things she learned and cook for her mum. she knew that made her happy.

every night then suri would cook dinner. lots of trial and error. when they’d host the holidays for people without families, she’d spend the whole time in the kitchen. at fifteen, she lead a soup kitchen event while her mother lead the cloth drive. they were quite the dynamic duo. suri’s plan was to go to culinary school after graduating. being a chef sounded nice.

but nice things don’t last eh!!! when suri was 16, and her mum only thirty-three, she was diagnosed with breast cancer. everyone rallied for magnolia. she was a treasure to the community and she and suri definitely didn’t have the kind of health insurance to back up all the treatment. they raised some money, which helped more than anyone could imagine, but her body had a hard time taking to the chemo.

for months, suri was the woman of the house. school was hard to get through and she needed to drop out just to take care of her mum for the last few months. her mum was a fighter, but suri saw it in her eyes that it was taking her.

magnolia died right before suri’s 17th birthday. there was a massive funeral. tons of people showed up to give their love to the woman who helped so many lives. it was beautiful. beautiful to see the kind of impact she had made on so many people. suri knew she needed to carry that on for herself.

it was only five days after her mother’s death when her dad showed up at her door and said she was coming to live with him in genovia. unfortunately, she couldn’t argue. being a minor still, and not having finished school, he shipped her off back to his place.

it was here that she found out her father came to be one of the advisors for the queen of genovia. it caused for a lot of anger, and arguments those first few nights. he never supported them financially and this guy was obviously rolling in it. he didn’t have the time or care to respond to her arguments. instead, she was to finish school along-side mignonette as her lady-in-waiting. whatever the fuck that meant. 

as she came to learn, it just meant kissing her ass. and as she also came to learn, these people were rich as fuck and money was being thrown at her left and right.

the issue is, when you’re young, and you grew up with something you never knew, and then suddenly you have an abundance of it, it’s hard not to be overwhelmed and take advantage of it. she knew these royal assholes were the problem and literally creating a vacuum of money that could have been used to help the homeless and fix the planet. but she also liked having cool clothes and shoes and being able to travel across the world and eat fancy foods. 

midge is cool. she’s sweet. kind of unassuming. suri might call her dumb some days, but she’s got a general sweet spot for her. they’ve been together eight years now and it’s getting a bit harder to try and find who she used to be after so long being stuck in the venom of rich royals.

she still finds their problems to be oh so dramatic in the grand scheme of everything. there’s little respect for any of them. but it’s hard. 

anyways yuh !!! she’s got a bit of a temper but honestly she’s a gem !!! she cares a lot about people and making sure they’re at their best but like !!! doesn’t have a lot of sympathy for royals/riches because lmao you got money and fame and influence and literally,,,,,, all things others don’t have so WAH !! 

[raybansandcoffee]

Adventure of a Lifetime: Chapter Eight

If you haven’t read the first seven chapters you can find them HERE.

*****

A piece of my hair fell from my messy bun into my face. As I reached for it Jeremy’s hand reached up and brushed it out of my face. His hand stopped and his thumb brushed against my cheek. Our eyes connected as I looked up. I could feel the blush creeping into my cheek. It was that intense kind of eye contact that could make you feel like your stomach had temporarily relocated into your throat.

“I love you,” Jeremy said before bending down to kiss me. Our lips connected and a jolt of electricity shot through my body. The kiss ended and I backed away to look up into his eyes again.

“I love you too.” As he pulled me back in for another kiss and started to unbutton my shirt Michael Giacchino's theme from JJ Abram’s Star Trek filled the air at an almost deafening volume. “Where is that coming from?” Jeremy started to get blurry in my vision when the same 30 seconds of the song started to play again at that same unbearably loud volume. I shot straight up in bed. It was my phone ringing and waking me up from a dream.

“Hello,” I answered without looking at my phone to see who was calling.

“Hey Charlie, it’s Jeremy.”

“Hi.” Fuck. He was in my dream. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. “What’s up?”

“I was calling to check and see that you were awake before I headed over.”

“Yeah, I’m up. Come on over.”

“Alright. I’ll be there in a little bit.” With that, I hung up the phone and fell back onto the bed. I pulled my pillow over my head and screamed into it. This was NOT supposed to happen. I was not supposed to be having dreams about my daughter’s best friend’s Dad. I was not supposed to be having sex dreams about Jeremy. I mean I know it wasn’t a sex dream yet but it was totally headed that way if I hadn’t been woken up. One more scream into the pillow and I crawled out of bed. I wandered into the bathroom before mindlessly making my way into the closet. I definitely should not have stayed up as late as I had and should never have drank as much tequila as I did. I pulled on the shorts I wore yesterday, a red lace bralet, and a faded black Pink Floyd t-shirt. The sleeves had been cut off of the shirt and showed a little bit of the lace on the sides and at the neckline. I put my feet in my slip-on red and black checkered Vans then I hurried back into the bathroom and put a little bit of makeup on before going downstairs.

“Good morning,” Savannah said. “How are you feeling?”

“Tired. I sort of feel like I was run over by a truck.”

“Same,” Tony groaned.

“How are you alive and in here already this morning?” I asked.

“I woke up because there is SO much light in my bedroom and I couldn’t fall back asleep. Then I got bored so I came in here to hang out. I thought about waking you up but didn’t want to get my head taken off.”

“If you had you would not be getting Nonna DeLuca’s meatballs.”

“Meatball!” Axel yelled.

“Yup dude. Mama’s makin’ meatballs today. She might need to make coffee first.”

“Did someone say coffee?” I turned to see Jeremy walking in the door. He had a drink caddy from a coffee shop in his hands.

“You are like an angel.” He came over to me and handed me a cup that had my name on it.

“Good morning, Charlie.” He hugged me and I felt him leave a kiss on my cheek.

“Good morning to you, my coffee-delivering hero.”

“Good morning Tony and Savy. Hey Axe-Man.” He proceeded to give a coffee to Savannah and Tony and high-fived Axel. He took the coffee that was meant for him and threw the caddy into the trash in the kitchen. “Where are the girls?” he asked after taking a sip of his coffee.

“They wanted to play with the Barbie Dream House this morning so they are still upstairs. I just checked on them about 10 minutes ago,” Savannah answered.

“Nice. So weren’t you supposed to be cooking?” Jeremy asked as he looked at me.

“I was maybe asleep when you called. The fact that I was capable of making myself look human before you got here should leave you impressed.”

“Oh, it does.” He raised his eyebrows at me before taking another drink of his coffee.

“Okay, you two are in charge of the tiny humans today, I am in charge of the meatballs. Jeremy do you want to be in charge of going with me to the grocery store to buy what I need?”

“Sounds great.”

“We will be right back,” I said before I walked through the first floor towards the garage. Jeremy followed. I grabbed my purse from where I’d dropped it in the butler’s pantry yesterday and opened the door to the garage.

“What’s up there?” I hadn’t taken Jeremy on the tour of the garage half of the house.

“The room my sister usually stays in. There’s a small room off of it that she can use to work when she’s here. Though she’ll probably be evicted from it when my Dad and Mandi come out.”

“Damn, you’ve got toys.”

“These aren’t even the toys. The garage under Tony’s place has some ATVs and stuff. Michael bought every single toy you could imagine wanting out here. There’s even a thing that’s big enough to plow the driveway which is ridiculous because the driveway is heated.”

“Seriously?” I nodded. “So what are these if not toys?”

“Well, the Wrangler is my baby. Most girls in Beverly Hills ask for a cute, zippy little sports car. I asked for something I could go off-roading and into the desert with.” Jeremy started to laugh. “I was still driving it when I turned 35. My Dad convinced me to sell it to him and I bought a new one.”

“Why did your Dad want an almost 20-year-old Jeep?”

“Umm, for me to not be driving it, mainly. It’s still at his house. I think he drives it for fun on occasion. It was also only a 2-door. I would’ve been fucked if I still had it.” I pointed to the Ford F150 Raptor in the other garage stall. “The Raptor was Michael’s toy here. He bought it when they bought the house.”

“So what is that flashy ass Benz I’ve seen you drive in the school pick up all year?”

“That was Sam’s. It was her push present for Axel. She’d really wanted a G Wagon but Michael made her get one with a third row because he wanted to have more babies.” I giggled a little. “When they died everything was left to me. Everything was paid off for the truck and the GLS because Michael refused to have car payments, so I kept both of them. The idea of taking the babies around in a Wrangler had me terrified. I also maybe love having the doors off of it WAY too much to let kids in the back. It’s really, really difficult to get them in and out of the Raptor. I have to do it for both of them, the GLS Ellery can climb in and out of now that she’s in a booster seat.” The doors were currently off of the Wrangler, along with the roof. Something I’d done over the weekend. I walked over to the Wrangler and climbed in. I plugged my iPhone in, picked some music and put my sunglasses on. “Wait? Did you just say all year? You’ve seen me in the school pick up all year? I met you two freaking days ago.”

“Of course I did. My daughter’s best friend had a hot mom who either showed up in a flashy ass Benz or a giant truck. It’s hard to miss you in one of those.”

“Every damn Mom in that parking lot drives some luxury vehicle. Most of them have more than one.”

“Also, you are one of the few parents who didn’t sit in the drive and honk their horn at their kid while they stare at their cell phone. You seem like the kind of Mom that gets involved and cares.”

“I definitely try to be. Deep down I’m the girl that wants to pull the doors and roof off of my Jeep and pick the kid up with classic rock blaring to scare the Moms but alas, I don’t.”

“You probably had way too much fun in a Wrangler when you were younger.” I backed out of the garage, turned and started to head down the driveway.

“Are you fucking kidding me? I still have too much fun in a Wrangler. My friends all got speeding tickets in their Audis and BMWs. I usually got stuck or tried to see how far I could take it before we thought the Jeep would flip. Frankie did the typical thing and got a cute little convertible. She and Mandi tried to convince me I wanted an M3 like they both had. Which of course makes it sound like we were spoiled brats that I could’ve picked a BMW M3 as a 16-year-old. But honestly, that was the life I grew up in. I didn’t know anything other than that life and I didn’t want any of it. Frankie embraced it. She was super popular, cheerleader, varsity athlete. I either had my head in the books or my hands on an instrument. I worked my ass off to get a full-ride scholarship to college so that I didn’t have to accept money from my parents and could do what I wanted and never worry that I wasn’t living up to their expectations with their money over my head.”

“So sexy and smart. You’re the whole fuckin’ package.” I started nervously laughing again.

“I am far from it. I am awkward, a bit neurotic at times, and have been known to talk to myself, like a lot. I am just really good at hiding all of that in this package.” I waived my hands around me while I laughed. “Which by the way is not sexy, just a bit crazy.”

“Oh, it is. Also, a little bit crazy can be fucking sexy.”

“Stop, the flirting isn’t necessary. I’m cooking you dinner tonight without it.”

“Flirting is fun. You just seem a little out of practice. Which is cute. You nervous laugh every time I flirt with you. That’s adorable. You just need to get back into practice.”

“Being out of practice is an understatement. I was in a relationship for 5 and a half years. I haven’t had to actually flirt in so long I don’t even remember what flirting is.”

“You should re-learn how to flirt. It’s fun. You’d like it. I certainly enjoy it.” I glanced over at him and started to laugh.

“You might be the crazy one. I mean you invited me to your house without knowing me. I could’ve been a fucking stalker.”

“If you were a stalker you would’ve been at Ava’s birthday party and not sent your teenage nanny.”

“Probably true.”

“Definitely true. There are Moms that showed up at her birthday party and stayed, even though they didn’t have to and instead of watching their kids tried to flirt with me or just stare at me while I was trying to play with all of the kids.”

“There are some weird Moms. I learned quickly that I did not fit in with the PTA Moms at school.” We continued to talk about the weirdness of parenting by ourselves in this environment on the drive to the grocery store. I pulled into a spot near the door and parked. When we walked inside Jeremy grabbed the cart as I pulled up the list I’d made on my phone while Tony and I were drinking last night. “So do you or Ava have any food allergies? Is there anything she doesn’t like or that you both don’t eat?”

“Nope. We will both eat anything and are really damn lucky to be getting a home-cooked meal like the one you are preparing.”

“You’re both just lucky that I love my brother because this is something he makes me cook often despite it being a pain in the ass. Frankie and I are the only ones other than our Grandma and one of our aunts who can make it. I keep trying to convince Tony that men who can cook are attractive and that he needs to learn.”

“I’ve heard that. I’ve maybe even impressed a woman or two in my life with my skills in the kitchen. You should come over for dinner soon. Ava is obsessed with tacos so it’s always Taco Tuesday at our house.”

“I love a good taco. I miss living in LA. There were so many awesome restaurants or trucks. There was a truck that was always outside of our studio and I think I ate at it every single day.”

“Maybe you’ll have to show me where your studio is some time.”

“I miss it, it doesn’t exist anymore though. When I sold it so I could move here the company that bought it gutted everything and it became a doctor’s office. I’ve got a friend with studio space in Santa Monica that I know I can just show up and he’ll let me have space to work.”

“A fellow composer?”

“Yes and no. He does some composing for film and TV but he’s also in a couple of bands, he’s done some producing of stuff. He grew up around music and honestly some of the world’s greatest musicians so he does a little bit of everything. And his space is amazing and close to my Dad’s place so I’ve been known to just wander in, find one of his guitars and start goofing around.”

“That’s nice to still have there. I have a studio in my house in LA and here. Not nearly as nice as yours but it’s a new project. I’m working on making it better. Your expert help might be needed.”

“I just might be able to provide some help and contacts for you. I work with a lot of great companies that gave me some great shit when I set mine up.”

“That would be awesome. I’ll have to let you check the stuff out and tell me what you think I need.”

“I sort of geek out about the tech stuff so I’m just warning you now.” I grabbed several bags of lemons from the produce section.

“Lemons for spaghetti and meatballs?” He raised an eyebrow because the idea of lemons being used in spaghetti and meatballs would be unconventional.

“Dessert.”

“Oh. You’re baking too?”

“I am. Lemon pie. Tony didn’t ask for it but he’ll be really excited to have it. I also am almost out of the batch of homemade limoncello that I always have around. So I need to make more since it takes what feels like forever to be ready.”

“You make homemade limoncello?”

“I do. I’m Italian. This is a thing we do, at least in my family. I learned how to make it when I was a teenager. And with my family being here soon I need to have more than what I have in the house right now because I’m down to my last bottle. I’ve baked with it recently so I ran through the last batch faster than I normally do.”

“That’s sort of awesome. I’m going to have to watch you make this too. I’m intrigued by everything that you are doing today. It’s like the adorable little Italian housewife. Only this one is in a Pink Floyd t-shirt.”

“Oh, I can pull out the stops and become the little Italian housewife. I spent several summers perfecting it when I was younger and still question why I ever came home. It’s even better when I have dark hair because I fit the stereotype.”

“You lived in Italy?”

“My family has a villa on the Amalfi Coast. I spent at least a month of every summer growing up there with my Dad. Then I lived there the entire summer before I started college. My ex was a writer so traveling was easy for us. We stayed there for a month and a half several years ago while he worked on a novel. I haven’t been in way too long, my last trip was like 18 months ago. I miss it. It’s my favorite place in the world. Lounging in the pool. Wandering through town on a Vespa. Waking up with views of the sea out my window. Afternoon naps in a hammock with the breeze and smells and now I miss Italy. The obsession with lemons is because I’d get to pick fresh lemons from our little lemon orchard. I baked. I made limoncello. Homemade lemonade. Lemon everything. We are planning a trip as a family at the end of the summer so the kids can go for their first time.”

“That will be nice. Really, every summer as a kid? So do you speak Italian?”

“I do. I don’t speak it often enough because basically, only my family speaks it. I tried to teach Savannah when she was a kid. She’s been with me several times since she was little. Eventually, I’ll try to teach the kids. I considered only speaking to Axel in Italian when he was a baby hoping he’d grow up bilingual but it weirded out Elle so I stopped doing it. Someday I’ll teach them both, growing up bilingual was fun. Frankie and I essentially spoke in code around friends, women that Dad dated before Mandi, and some of our cousins who never learned.”

“That would be fun.”

“Oh it is, we still do it because Ryan has no idea what we are saying and neither do any of the kids.” He laughed at that. It was really funny to watch Ryan’s face contort as we started to speak in Italian. We could talk about him and he had no idea what we said. We wandered through the grocery store and I watched as he threw junk food in the cart. The last stop was the wine aisle before we headed to check out. I used my expert blocking skills when he tried to pay for the groceries.

“You know you could’ve let me pay. You are doing all the hard work,” he said as we walked to the car.

“I could have. But I also didn’t have to. I find it hilarious that you doubted my skills when it came to blocking in there. I am the middle child. I grew up playing defense.” He helped me load the groceries into the back of my Wrangler and we climbed in to head back to my house.

“So when does your family get here?”

“Two weeks and they will be here for four or five days. By the time it’s over I’m going to need a vacation from the vacation of them being here.” Jeremy laughed. “Frankie wanted to plan every moment of it so that I didn’t have time to think about the horrible thing we are together to memorialize but I tried to convince her we didn’t need to do that. I just want everyone here. I’m sure that with the number of kids that will be here that not having a pool will become a pain in the ass. These are California kids. There’s only so much they are willing to do that doesn’t involve water in the summer.”

“You can borrow my pool.”

“I’ll figure something out. There are some resorts around here.”

“Seriously, you can borrow my pool,” he said again. We stopped at a stoplight and I turned to look at him and smiled. “I like you. It’s going to be a rough weekend for you. If I can help make it easier by giving the kids something to do that keeps them busy and gives you a chance to breathe, then I want to help. Plus I love kids. The more my house is filled with the better.”

“You are way too kind. For real. You’re the nicest person I’ve met since I moved here.”

“I could probably say the same about you. I mean I’ve lived here longer but you’re still the best person I’ve met here. While the circumstances that brought you here suck and while I am so sorry that you had to go through that, I’m glad I met you. Extremely glad.” I felt the blush creep into my cheeks. I turned my eyes away from him and to the lights just as they turned green. The rest of the drive home was fairly quiet, I didn’t really know how to reply to that. I mean, I felt the same way but knowing someone for two days and admitting that they are the best thing the last year has brought you seemed psychotic. It didn’t seem possible. It didn’t seem logical or practical or anything. It seemed crazy. Which I guess fit the theme. The last year of my life had been completely crazy and unpredictable and unstable. It had been an adventure that while I would give everything to have Sam back, I was doing my best to start enjoying it. To embrace this role and life I’d had thrust upon me in an instant. To do everything I could to live the way Sam would want me to and not just sit and cry about her not being here anymore. She’d be absolutely irate with me that I stopped living when she died.

I pulled the Jeep into the driveway and parked in the garage before Jeremy and I started to unload the groceries. He sat at the island talking to Tony, who was making more coffee, while I put the groceries away. I started to pull together the ingredients and spices I would need for the sauce and meatballs and put them on a tray before taking them out of the pantry taking them into the main part of the kitchen. I grabbed the biggest pot I had.

“You bought a grove’s worth of lemons today,” Tony said.

“I did. I’m down to one full bottle and one partial bottle of limoncello. I need to make a batch before the family gets here.”

“There’s enough for at least two batches here.”

“I’m baking you a pie too.” Tony walked over to me and engulfed me in a hug. He stood there squeezing me as tightly as possible.

“You are the best sister ever. Just don’t tell Frankie I said that.”

“Never. She also would totally agree with you if I baked her a pie.”

“She would,” Tony replied laughing. “You are the best of us, I’ll easily admit that.”

“You’re such a good ego boost to have around here.” I hugged him tightly again before bumping him away with my hip so I could get started. “Alexa,” I said and watched the device that sat on the counter light up at the sound of my voice. “Turn on my cooking playlist.”

“Now playing Charlie’s Cooking Playlist on Amazon Music,” the device replied as music started to fill the kitchen. I grabbed myself another coffee and got started on the food. Eventually, Savannah went upstairs to put Axel down for a nap and play with the girls. Once the meatballs were in the pot, the lemon pie was out of the oven and in the refrigerator to cool, and the batch of limoncello was in the pantry to start its long process, Tony and Jeremy followed me downstairs to the studio. Savannah had promised to stir the sauce so I could have grown up adult time for a while.

“Okay, I need to know the guitar hiding spots,” Jeremy said. Tony’s eyes lit up. Even he didn’t know all of them so having a partner-in-crime when trying to locate the hiding spots made him happy.

“I did find my favorite guitars of hers last night. She even let me play Lucy,” Tony said.

“I need to meet this Lucy,” Jeremy replied. I walked over to a set of doors that had a keypad on them to lock the doors. I entered the code and opened the door. Inside were several guitar cases placed like books. My hand gripped the handle of the familiar case and I took it out, making sure that I did so carefully and that none of the other guitars inside tipped over. Tony and Jeremy were sitting on the couch I had in the studio, I placed the case on the table and turned it to face Jeremy. He slowly opened the case revealing, Lucy. “She’s beautiful.”

“She plays like a fucking dream,” Tony said.

“Clapton’s review was basically that he couldn’t tell the difference between this and the original. If I had to pick a favorite guitar that I own, it would be this.”

“Despite the fact that if you listen to anything she records she uses her Strats on basically everything.” Tony loved to pick on me explaining it like my Fender was my steady relationship, the loving husband that would go nowhere. The Gibson was the person I cheated on and made sweet love to but kept that hidden. It maybe helped that Fender had always been extremely good to me working to build guitars just the way I wanted them to be and continued to let me fiddle and change things until I had a perfect guitar. I’d only ever bought Gibson in a guitar shop or online. I’d never worked closely with anyone at Gibson the way I had with Fender since I was fairly new in the game.

“A Strat is my workhorse. That guitar has honestly never done much then get shown to people and played a handful of times so that I can feel like I’m Eric Clapton being taken into Abbey Road to record with The Beatles. You know, when I’m living out my little fantasy in my mind.” Jeremy strummed the strings lightly as sound quietly rang from them. “Here let me show you how great she sounds.” He handed the guitar to me and I walked over to my amp set up and plugged it in before turning the amp on. Tony smiled knowing what I was doing. He stood from the couch clearing the coffee table and hurrying to the piano. He expertly played McCartney’s opening piano part before I came in on guitar.

We’d learned to play together when we were young and at one point he’d tried to convince me we were starting a band together. I almost considered it but instead convinced him that getting into Stanford was a good thing and he didn’t need to run away from all responsibility. I’d tried the same thing. I nearly didn’t get on the plane in Italy to come back to the states to start my freshman year. By that time I’d already met Sam who threatened me within an inch of my life if I didn’t get on that plane to be her roommate. Tony and I were kindred spirits, which I think terrified our parents just a little. We could read each others mind, finish each others sentences, and in a moment like this with a guitar in my hands and my brother’s hands on the piano keys I could zone out and forget everything going on in the world. I easily played through the lead guitar part of ‘While My Guitar Gently Weeps’ as if it was the thing I did best in the world and in this moment, it almost was.

“That was fucking beautiful. Is that your favorite song?” Jeremy asked.

“I can’t pick a favorite song. It’s a fun solo to play. I mean essentially anything from Clapton is fun to play. One of my main work horses is based off of his guitar, Blackie. I’ve made very few adjustments to it. The other is based off of David Gilmour’s Black Strat.” I watched Tony walk over to the glass door and open it, letting in my two tuxedo cats, both black and white, one slightly chubbier than the other.

“Hi boys.” I bent down to pet each of them as they meowed their greeting at me.

“I didn’t realize animals lived here,” Jeremy said as the larger of the two jumped onto the couch beside where Tony had sat with one of my guitars that he’d grabbed from a rack as I packed up Lucy. I placed her back into the special closet before grabbing one of my main Strats and plugging it in.

“She has two cats. This is Harrison and that,” Tony gestured to the skinnier cat who was now sitting in the chair that was at my computer. “That is Clapton.”

“What not Lennon and McCartney?” Jeremy asked. “I mean they are after all the dream duo right?”

“Nah,” I answered. “Clapton and Harrison for sure. They made beautiful music together and hell what more of a dream duo can you have. They even shared a wife. Ellie had two fish named Lennon and McCartney. It wasn’t pretty. Her Dad didn’t realize that beta fish should be alone.” Laughter filled the room. “So that’s a traumatic experience for her. I adopted Clapton and Harrison 8 years ago from a rescue that I volunteered for.”

“Trust me, when she named them one of her friends told her she was crazy.”

“Only because he suddenly didn’t know if I was talking to him or the cat.” Jeremy’s face looked confused. “My friend with the studio in Santa Barbara.” Jeremy nodded recalling our prior conversation. “It’s Dhani Harrison, George Harrison’s son. So my cat is sort of named after him which he found weird at first and then it became this ongoing joke that every time he was at my condo he took selfies with the cat. He actually asks to talk to the cat when we FaceTime when I’m on the struggle bus with a song. I do still need to round out the crew. I want a Hendrix, Petty, Dylan, and Gilmour.”

“Gilmour needs to be a dog. Dogs of war and men of hate. With no cause, we don’t discriminate. Discovery is to be disowned. Our currency is flesh and bone,” Tony sang the Pink Floyd lyrics that rounded out his theory.

“Your niece wants a dog so that might happen. Though she’s not so sure how she feels about Gilmour as a name. She keeps trying to call Harrison, Harry which I sort of let slide. She tried calling him Dhani and then George which has kind of won. Poor dude is confused. Clap on the other hand is a no, so she calls him Eric. Which is almost too hilarious to listen to a kid as small as her have conversations with cats who have such basic human names.”

“She’s my favorite human.” Tony really did love her. Him being here was going to be a good thing.

“She is pretty much the best. She’s young and already has her mother’s sense of humor. Teenage Ellery will be the death of me.” Jeremy started to search through the cabinets and drawers looking at my guitars. I kicked Clapton out of my chair and sat down at my computer. “T, I need you to hear what I’ve been writing this week. I feel like I’m stuck on something that you can help me figure out.”

“What is the score for?” he asked as he stood up and walked towards me. He knew that I was often going the extra step when working of splicing the video and the music together so I could watch the scene with the music in the places I thought the production team would use it.

“That Netflix series. I sent it to Dhani the other night but I’m fairly certain he spent yesterday on planes to get home to spend some time back in England. So he’s been useless at helping me.” Tony, being the weirdo that he is, sat down on my lap to see the screen. I watched him hit play and take in the way I’d put it together. “I feel like the piano needs to be….more sweeping or something.”

“You’re too critical of yourself. It sounds phenomenal together. I get what you’re saying but I think the more subtle sound works well with the scene. I mean I don’t know what’s happening in it completely but it works.”

“I didn’t catch the scene but the music sounds great,” Jeremy said. I watched as he sat back down on the couch with one of my acoustic guitars and started to strum it. “So what else is in with Lucy? I mean I assume it’s your favorites because it’s locked and fireproof, right?”

“It is. How did you guess?”

“Most people aren’t going to leave a $15,000 guitar just laying around the house,” he replied.

“Umm, a couple of special ones from friends. One that my Dad gave me when I got my masters degree. It’s signed by my professors, family, and close friends. It was the guest book at the party he threw for my graduation. I have a couple of other special edition guitars in there too. All of the ones that are are essentially irreplaceable. I also have Sam’s favorite guitars in there so they are safe for the kids.”

“Did you keep all of her instruments?” Jeremy asked.

“I did. There’s a fireproof safe not in here that has most of them. I won’t use them for daily use type stuff but the kids might want them some day. Michael’s drum kit is in there as well. The only instrument of their’s not in the safe is the baby grand upstairs.”

“That’s good of you to keep that stuff for them. They will cherish it someday.”

“I hope so. Piano lessons with Ellery are tough.”

“She’s not you or your kid,” Tony said. “You at 5 loved it.” He glanced to Jeremy. “I’m well aware that I wasn’t alive when she was 5 but you should hear our father go on and on and on about her. The prodigy. The savant. The child star. One of us runs an incredible non-profit that is helping women achieve equality around the world all while getting her law degree and having three kids because she’s a fucking overachiever, the other of us got a full-ride scholarship to multiple Ivy League schools, including both Harvard and Yale, as well as Stanford and then proceeded to graduate with honors and two degrees. You wouldn’t even have a clue about that. The only one he brags about is her.”

“I am 100% Dad’s favorite,” I admitted. “There’s no question about it. It’s basically because I let him come with me to premieres and award shows. Plus I will tolerate his desire to play music with me. You won’t and Frankie can’t.”

“He likes to sit around and pretend he’s Bob Dylan, not like just play the song but impersonate him. Raybans, weird hats, and all. He’s a strange dude sometimes. He used to do that when I had my friends over thinking it made him the ‘cool dad’ instead of the suit wearing, lawyer Dad. It was just weird.” Tony was laughing as he spoke. He had the exact same laugh that I did which was also our Dad’s laugh.

“These days when he does that he’ll even sit on the deck by the pool and smoke some pot too. Unlike me, Dad didn’t have the benefit to choose whatever he wanted to be when he grew up. He had to be a lawyer. If you ask him now, he still says he wants to be Bob Dylan when he grows up.”

“That’s great. It’s also awesome that your family gets along that well. That you can all sit around and play together.”

“Most of us can,” Tony said.

“Frankie is helpless when it comes to music. Could never learn to read music, couldn’t carry a tune in a bucket. I tried really, really hard to teach her stuff and she’s just helpless. Which is funny because her husband can play guitar and piano, it’s part of what won her over.”

“Is your mother also a musician?” Jeremy asked.

“Not really. I mean she can sing but she never really cared to do it. Her art was photography. Everything from music photography, which is probably her biggest love, to photojournalism that took her to warzones, developing nations, major national and world events. She’s an incredible photographer and I’m glad that she was able to pursue it the way she wanted to.” I truly was. Despite the occasional abandonment issues that still crept up in my life from being barely a teenager and having my mother pack up our house, drop us off at my Dad’s and hop a flight to London because she was hired to be a UK based photojournalist for the Associated Press. These days she no longer worked full-time. She’d ended up back in the US for a while, decided she needed a home base and picked one so close to my sister that the distance between them wasn’t even as big as the property my house was on. She wanted to be close to us again, which was great. She’d embraced the role of grandma or Nonni as she preferred to be called. She was still traveling, still taking photos but these days they were seen more in fancy art galleries than on the cover of a newspaper. She loved love in a way few people I knew did. She was always either in a relationship or waiting for the next great love of her life. I envied the way she so openly gave her heart to people, an ability that I didn’t have because of how often my heart had been stuck in a blender by the people I’d chosen to give it to.

“Is that her work?” Jeremy gestured to the walls of the studio where there were several photos that were fairly large and framed around the room. Most were artsy shots, all of me or a few of Sam that I had put up on the walls, all with an instrument or something music related like a record or sheet music. Some of my favorites were of me in the midst of playing without even noticing she’d taken the photo. My signature checkered Vans on my pedal board with an electric guitar in my hand. My hands on the keys of a piano. The silhouette of me and my guitar in front of a sunset. Sam goofing around on Michael’s drum kit. Sam in a record store hiding behind a Fleetwood Mac record. The two of us sitting on the beach playing ukuleles on this old blanket my Mom had that she always kept in the back of her car when I was a kid, just in case we needed a picnic. There were so many more, it just felt weird to surround myself with photos of me. I put them up because for some reason it made me feel a little different about my relationship with my Mom. She showed her love through her art. Over the years she’d taught me what she could. I was a decent photographer, basically meant I had a really artsy instagram and some great photos of my friends and kids.

“They are beautiful photos. Personal favorite is the black and white of you in the leather jacket. ‘The Rebel Girl Within Me Will Never Die’ I love it.”

“Thanks. That’s from my last visit trip with my Mom to London. We were walking through the city at night after she’d taken me to some club she loved hanging out at when she lived there. That trip was only a couple of weeks before Axel was born. The rebel girl is still in me somewhere but she doesn’t do much anymore.” Both Tony and Jeremy laugh at that.

We continued to goof off on guitars, pianos, drums, and everything else we could get our hands on in my studio which was a lot. Hell, I had enough kazoos in the studio that we could have an entire kazoo orchestra if we wanted to. Within a few hours, we sounded like we could play a local dive bar on a Friday night and not sound horribly. It was nice to play music again and not alone. To have an excuse to go nuts on a guitar and relax into a solo instead of focusing on music for a scene. It made me miss being in college and being surrounded by other music students who were always down for a jam session. Or living in LA when I could wander into Dhani’s studio on a Tuesday and play. A guitar in my hands was a form of therapy for me and the project I was working on was very heavily piano. I felt the best I had in weeks.

We eventually emerged from the dungeon that was my studio to cook some pasta and have dinner. It was the perfect end to a great day. We had three kids covered in marinara sauce and four adults full enough that multiple asked to be wheeled to bed. Tony volunteered to clean Axel up and get him changed into his pajamas while Savannah went to Ellery’s room with the girls to get everything of Ava’s packed up. I went outside onto the front porch with Jeremy. Within a few seconds, he lit a cigarette and started to walk down the stairs, over the bridge that ran over the creek that went through the property and towards the driveway.

“Today was great. You are almost as great of a cook as you are a guitar player.” I laughed. “Okay you’re probably tied in both but honestly, you’re an incredible musician. I guess I imagined a composer for film and television scores to be different.”

“Different how?” I asked as I reached for the cigarette in his hand, stole it and took a drag.

“I didn’t imagine that a composer could play a guitar and sound like they’d been sprinkled with magic fairy dust by the greatest guitar gods.”

“I wish I was sprinkled by magic fairy dust. Wait, I was. Last week. Ellie threw glitter at me and told me to think happy thoughts and I’d be able to fly.” I took another drag of the cigarette before handing it back to Jeremy.

“I didn’t realize you smoked,” he said.

“I don’t and I didn’t realize you did either.” He laughed at me. “I quit smoking a really long time ago. Okay, I quit smoking cigarettes a long time ago. I’ve snuck a few cigarettes over the last year and there’s maybe been a time or two when I shut off the ‘Mom Brain’ I’ve developed let Savannah take care of the babies and sat in my bathtub and smoked some pot. Stress is a bitch.”

“Yeah, it is. You truly are amazing,” he said. He handed the cigarette back to me, his fingers brushing lightly against mine. It was like an electric shock went through my body. I looked up and into his eyes as I took a drag off of the cigarette. When he smiled it showed in his eyes, which were already beautiful enough that I had lost track of what was happening looking at them a few times today. “Today was great. Thank you for having Ava here last night, letting me play with all of your instruments today, and making the most amazing dinner. I’m going to dream of meatballs tonight.”

Well, at least it’s not like last night when I dreamt about you.

I’d never been so glad that I resisted the third glass of wine so that I could retain that thought inside my head instead of blurting it out loud. A strand of my hair fell from my messy bun and into my face. He reached up and tucked it behind my ear before his thumb brushed against my cheek. I was fairly certain every single millimeter of my skin was instantly covered in goosebumps. And almost exactly like the dream I had last night, my stomach had made its way to my throat.

“I’m glad you liked it. And thank you for today, too.”

“No need to thank me. All I did was play your guitars, eat your food, and drink your wine.”

“I haven’t had this much life in this house in a long time. There’s often people here but the energy today was so happy and full of everything I’ve missed for the last year. I haven’t been able to play with other musicians in nearly a year. I haven’t clicked with another musician like this since Sam. You helped me feel alive today and not like the walls were closing in. There’s honestly not enough thanks in the world for allowing me to feel that way. To get lost in a guitar riff and just have fun rather than feeling like there’s a gun pointed at my head to write music. Today was the best day I’ve had in a long time.”

“I’m glad I could help with that. Honestly, I’m happy to hang out and play music with you whenever. In fact, I’m happy to just hang out with you whenever.” I felt the blush creep into my cheeks and was so glad it was dark outside. “We should do dinner this week.”

“That would be nice. I’m sure I could whip something up for all of us again.”

“No, not everyone. Just us for dinner. You and me. Like I pick you up and take you out for dinner and a couple of drinks one night this week.”

“That might be nice.” My brain was arguing with itself at that answer. Going to dinner with just him. Possibly having an adult I could spend time with. A chance to be the 36-year-old single woman that I truly am and not the Makeshift Mother I became a year ago in an instant. The idea of maybe at some point going on a date and hopefully, it was before Axel turned 18 and abandoned me for college. The other side of my brain was reminding me that I was a Makeshift Mother. I needed to put these kids first. I needed to not worry about my love life, or more accurately my lack of a love life. I didn’t need to think about the way his laugh sounded and his smile looked. More than anything in this world I needed a friend who understood what I was going through that was physically here, not just someone to call in when they could.

In truth, I deserved a night out and if the only thing that came of it was another friend I was all for it. If at some point in the future of my life there was someone of importance that fulfilled a romantic need in my life that would be great. But I needed to have a life to get there. I needed to let myself move on and allow myself to feel and live. I had essentially allowed myself to stop living when I lost Sam and Michael. It was the worst thing I could’ve done. The thing she would’ve been angriest at me for. I was doing absolutely everything I could for her kids but not for myself and it would’ve made her incredibly disappointing. It was time to live again, for her, for the babies, and most importantly for me.

“Actually, I would really like that.”

****** AUTHOR'S NOTE *****

First things first, I am so sorry this update took so long. I have a few chronic health conditions that flared up recently. After a 10 day course of antibiotics and a lot of rest, I am back on the mend and was able to finish this.

It's my longest chapter to date for this book coming in at 8,002 words. The last thing I wrote my chapters somehow all ended up at 12,000 words which is really difficult to keep up with and made updates have longer gaps between them, so I hope I figure out how to not be so long-winded in chapters.

Now about the chapter. Reading back through it there is a lot that happens even though it's only in the span of a day. Charlie's subconscious is starting to tell her that there is something special about Jeremy. That dream *WOO* what could have happened if that phone call didn't happen.

I want to make Charlie seem relatable even though she's probably the furthest thing from me ever. I base my characters in reality and often have a few things in common with them. One of the things we have in common is that we are Italian, though she's full-blooded and Ancestry's DNA test crushed my soul reminding me I'm only 24% Italian. Her parents are divorced, Dad's remarried and Mom is an artist. My parents divorced when I was 7, Dad remarried when I was 10, I have a brother named Tony but he's older and not a half brother (it's a common Italian name so I ran with it - it's also my grandfather's name). Oh and my mother is an artist, though she prefers acrylic paints at this stage of life, when she was an art student she studied photography and has a brilliant eye, she just hasn't figured out how to work my DSLR. I also have a cat named George who is named after George Harrison, my house has 3 cats and a dog, all rescues because rescued is my favorite breed. I have a red Squire Stratocaster (Fender is out of my price range) but I haven't been able to play it since I was 21 when I took lessons in college), I have my grandma's old out of tune piano, and a keyboard that the only song I can play on it is the theme from The Godfather. I sing along with every song on the radio because my brain uselessly stores song lyrics but I haven't attempted to sing in any formal way in almost 20 years when I was done with high school choir.

Charlie, however, grew up with a privileged life I didn't know. My Dad was a teacher at a community college and my mother worked in the events industry in everything from a massive arena to higher education in the years of my life that she worked. Until I started school she worked from home so I was lucky to never experience daycare or nannies because I had my Mom around. My first car was a Pontiac Grand Am, not a Jeep though I tried really hard to convince my Dad I NEEDED a Jeep, he didn't buy it. But he did eventually buy one or two for himself and refuse to let me drive them.

While Charlie grew up with everything that money could buy her life was far from perfect and she worked hard to earn her piece of the pie. She didn't want a handout though I'm sure somewhere there is a nice trust fund in case she ever did try to run away to Italy. She struggled to embrace the status in a way that the rest of her family didn't. She wanted to have a say in her life so she didn't live like her Dad always dreaming of being Bob Dylan, she gets to be whatever she wants. I also realize that making her friends with a Beatles' kid is a bit weird but Dhani Harrison is actually an incredible musician who is also a composer. I wanted her to have a contemporary that she could still rely on for advice in her career that also allowed her to have fun and act like a kid. I love Dhani almost as much as I love his Dad so he seemed like a fun fit for me though perhaps random for the story context.

I don't have kids and will not be having them, there are multiple reasons that play into that most being health-related and also the fact that being an aunt is the only title I want for a kid. I am actually SUPER open about it so if you're curious, ask. I don't hide it even though society judges me a lot for it. So I can understand a bit of Charlie's internal struggle that she's a Makeshift Mom and doesn't feel like a real Mom especially when you add that children were never in her plan for life. She had struggles with her own Mom when she was younger that would honestly make anyone leery about taking on that role themselves. And then she was thrown this curveball and she's stopped allowing herself to be herself really. She thinks she needs to fit the mold of Mom and she is starting to rediscover herself as the year anniversary of Sam and Michael's death approaches. Being willing to open herself up to people and maybe *hopefully* open her heart to someone at some point.

I really hope you enjoyed this chapter. I'd LOVE to hear from you. Feel free to comment, message me, whatever. I'm an open book, love feedback, and just meeting new people. Thank you so much for reading this. It means the world to me.

Now it's time to turn on some music (currently it's Eric Clapton Essentials on Apple Music because the chapter inspired me), wind down for the day (I was up at 7 AM to pre-order my new iPhone - I work for myself so 7 AM is not a time I see often), and probably start working on the idea for the next chapter. I have two ideas I can't decide between. Hmmmm, Wonderful Tonight just came on. That might help lead me a direction. ;)

xx. Annie

[ruckusheaven]

A Coon In A Colorful Heaven: Chapter 3- “So Where Should We Begin?”

Coon-  A black person who is ignorant to white discrimination and unknowingly suffers with self hatred.

This chapter continues to follow the eternal story of a man named Damien. When we last saw Damien he had finally arrived into Heaven after mysteriously being let through by his personal Angel “Angie”. But not long after arriving to Heaven, Damien soon discovered that the pain and damage that he caused as a Mortal still continues to follow him as a Spirit. After having a small altercation with his Aunt Pam, Damien began to wonder if being in Heaven would truly be paradise for him; But within that same instance he realized that he was starting to deteriorate just like his “judgment room” began to when he was being Judged. Now his only chance of staying in Heaven will comes from the assistance of his Grandson Chris...

Damien: *staring in shock* My.. Grandson?... Veronica had a child

Chris: Ya’know even though i already knew you didn’t know this.. Hearing you so surprised really shows how disconnected you two were..

Chris: Well are you gonna let me help you up or would you rather lay here until you disappear?

Damien: *grabbing Chris's hand* sorry im just a little shocked is all... I never knew..

Chris: *pulling Damien up* Well how could you have known? Leaving your wife and child behind will do that

Damien:  *staring down at the ground in shame*...

Chris: Come on, i’ll take you some place we can talk quietly

*Damien and Chris begin to walk down their street*

Damien: *looking around* Our zone really is beautiful.. it feels like i’m back in Philly but nothing looks like Philly

Chris: Yea i know what you mean. Our zone was created a few hundred years ago by one of our elders.

Chris: Since then hundreds of our family bloodline began to add and change it more and more. From adding new structures, to changing how the air feels

Chris: But what amazes me most is that no matter what changes, everything still feels perfect.

Damien: *sees little kids flying thought the sky* yea.. i think i get what you mean

Damien’s Family Zone was like no other.Their Zone had a very odd mix of  typical city blocks mixed with rural areas.The buildings themselves had their own unique feel and shape. Some stretched almost endlessly into the sky while most stood only few feet high. Some were made out of brick and wood, while others were floating in the sky made up of soft fabrics. People flying and walking, kids playing and running, Men and Women dancing and talking with soulful music playing in the background. The Zone itself just felt like a relaxing Fall afternoon mixed with a chill breeze carrying a very slight scent of Vanilla and Honey.

Damien: This place.. this realm.. it’s like i have so many questions about it but it truly feels like there’s no point in asking anything about it.. like there’s no reason at all..

Chris: Oh trust me you’ll definitely have an almost endless amount of questions. But i honestly think that the most beautiful part about Heaven is that i can take my time to understand every detail if i wanted to, and still discover something new or create something new. And whatever matters or doesn’t is truly up to me

Chris: I can ask questions or i can just enjoy not knowing which is something that isn’t punishing here.

*Chris and Damien walk into a park, where they both sit on a old Wood Park bench*

Chris: So before we began, do you have any questions for me?

Damien: Honestly i don’t know where to begin..

Damien:  Like i have so many questions like; How were you in Heaven before me? Where’s Veronica and Lexis, and what’s happening to me?

Chris: Ha, you’re really do have some heavy questions.. But for no lets stick to the one’s that will help you the most before you disappear 

Chris: First off what you’re going though is basically called a Soul Confliction

Damien: Soul Confliction..

Chris: Yea basically your soul can’t decide on whether it should be here or not.

Chris: Judgement isn’t done God or Peter it’s done by you yourself. You truly know if what you’ve done in your life is wrong or not, which is why the judgment room prevents you from being able to lie

Chris: Deep in our hearts we know our truths and what we did. The people that can truly accept their failings and are able to learn and change from them can make it into Heaven. But those that refuse to believe what they did was wrong and basically rebuke what’s going on, goes to Hell.

Damien: So basically i’m in the middle..

Chris: Bingo, It’s not uncommon tho. I say for every 1 million souls a few thousand are Conflicted. What’s alarming to many is that the number of conflicted are being to rise more and more.

Chris: But that’s a whole nother fiasco

Damien: Well what is it that i need to do to get rid of my conflictions..

Chris: That leads into what happen to mom which leads into what happened to me..

Chris: See.. whether you know it or not you hurt mom to a point of almost no return.

Damien: Bullshit! i never once hurt Veronica. I gave her the world when i was around. From toys to great schooling, there was nothing that she ever needed that i couldn’t provide.

Chris: And yet somehow she had a terrible life where she hated herself, her mother and never felt that she could be the perfect girl that you wanted her to be, which cemented multiple personality and mental disorders for her.

Damien: 

Chris: Yea, excellent parenting 

Damien: Look, how was i suppose to know of anything like that would happen to her. Any problems that happened between me and Lexis stayed between us.

Damien: I never took out my anger or frustration on Veronica

Chris: Do you honestly think that because you didn’t yell or hit her, that she wasn’t severely affected by your actions.

Chris: It’s not about what you did say to her, it’s what you didn’t. It’s not about the amount of money you spent on her, it’s about what you bought. And it’s not about the problems you had with grandma, it’s about how you handled them.

Chris: Every careless and thoughtless action you made she saw and she made her own reasoning's for them. 

Damien: Like what!? what did or didn’t I do that affected her so much?

Chris: Your input on her self worth

Damien: Now this is definite bullshit. I always called her beautiful and brought her tons of dresses that she wanted!

Chris: You do know there is a difference between calling someone beautiful and actually treating and showing them that they are.

Damien: What are you talking about?

Chris: Let’s start off small. What kind of toys do you remember buying her and what affect do you think they had?

Damien: I don’t know.. shit like barbies and dolls similar to them.

Chris: Right, you gave a dark skin girl a bunch of toys and dolls that looked nothing like her nor were there any positive representation of women like her besides her mother.

Chris: But thanks to you her she never looked at her mother in a positive light nor did she want to be like her

Damien: Ugh, please don’t turn this into a white vs black bs. I heard enough of that bs before i died and i rather not hear more while i’m dead.

Chris: This isn’t about white vs black you idiot, this about the start of a girl looking in the mirror and hating what she sees

Chris: You take a black girl and put her with a family where the father hates her mother and doesn’t talk or spend loving time with the daughter; and surround her around a bunch of examples of what being beautiful and perfect is but none of them look like her. What do you think will happen?

Damien: But what you’re talking about are dolls. They’re just toys!

Chris: Toys that she spent more time with than her own father

Damien: ...

Chris: Yes the toys played a small role in the grand scheme of things. But most big problems are complied of small things like it. But as you’ll see, Mom had bigger problems than you know

Damien: What do you mean i’ll see..

*Chris goes to put his hands on Damien’s head, But is interrupted by Angie*

Angie: Sorry to intervene but i can’t let you take him there.

Angie: I get what you’re trying to do but you’ll only cause more damage than good!..

Chris: *staring at Angie shocked and confused* what do you mean i’ll do more damage than good and why do you look like-

*A Bright Light crashes down on Angie and Damien taking them away*

Chris: What the hell!

Chris: Will seeing what happened to Veronica really break him as he is?

*A Bright Light crashes down leaving behind Angie and Damien in a new location in front of a huge club with blasting music*

Damien: What the hell Angie!? why did you take me away from Chris?

Angie: Listen that kid was going to take you someplace that i don’t think you’re ready to see yet. And since you only have one shot at this i rather take things a little slow to make sure you won’t get broken.

Damien: What do you mean broken? and where are we?

Angie: How about you find out *pushes Damien through the doors*

*Damien stumbles into the building, tripping over a bottle and falling forward*

Damien: *falls on his chest* oof! *slowing picking himself up* Someone needs to explain why pain is still relevant here..

???: Nephew you got alot more stuff to learn before we get to that

Damien: Huh? *looking up*

Damien: UNCLE CRAIG!

Uncle Craig: So we meet again nephew, perfect timing too *grabs Damien by the back of his collar lifting him up in the air*

*Uncle Craig carries Damien into the main floor filled with people dancing and drinking, while “Frankie Beverly- Before i let go” plays loudly*

Uncle Craig: AYE LISA!! I DONE FOUND YA COON AS GRANDSON AH-HAHAHEY!

Lisa: *Stands up waving her arms* Whaaaat! Bring My GrandBaby over here!!

Damien: Grandma Lisa!? Great Great Grandma Lisa!? Why does she look so young.. and fine!?

Uncle Craig: Don’t be weird nephew that’s ya grandma. You can take that freaky talk to those weird white country zones i hear about

THE END OF CHAPTER 3

[briamichellewrites]

5

Brad and Jennifer were permissive parents. They only asked that she kept her room clean and helped out around the house. Jayde spent a lot of time with him on set, since Jennifer had some excuse for why she couldn’t take her. She did take her to twice weekly appointments with her therapist, which he described as doing the bare minimum for her. They had talked about her fear of women and he encouraged her to try harder. She had been through trauma and she needed to be more patient with her.

That was a deal breaker for him. She was going to be part of their lives whether she liked it or not. At the moment, she was playing with her Barbies with George Clooney, one of his best friends. She was creating stories with a ton of details. All of her stories came from what she witnessed around her. She came up with a story about being on set. Ok, he could relate to that.

The doll was very tired because she had been on set all day but she was also very hungry. She went over to craft services and got a banana. There were other people also having a snack. She could eat in her trailer but it was a long way away and it was a beautiful day outside. What was the weather like? Sunny with a breeze. There were clouds in the sky but they were white, not rain clouds. What was the difference between white clouds and rain clouds?

Rain clouds were grey and dark. That was correct! Brad and Jennifer came over and joined the story. Oh, she made a mess because she was clumsy with the banana and it’s all over her shirt. She grabbed a t-shirt that represented a napkin and wiped off the banana. Though she got it off, the shirt would have to go into the laundry. Oh, well. She had another shirt in her trailer.

“Was that shirt part of her costume?”

“No! It was just a shirt she was wearing when she got on set.”

“Oh okay. Phew!”

She laughed and put her off to the side to change her shirt in privacy. What did she spill? A banana. Oh, yeah. That will stain. She came out wearing a white cropped shirt. Her costume was in her trailer but it wasn’t time to put it back on yet. She didn’t want to get it dirty. What was her costume? She looked through the clothes on the floor and picked out a Princess Diana dress. George took it after she handed it to him.

The dress was her white wedding dress. Did she know who Princess Diana was? Yeah, she saw it on the news. She died in a car accident. That was why she bought the doll at Target. She gave them the doll, who was dressed in a two-piece swimsuit. They could see why she didn’t want to get it dirty!

“My mom told me it’s going to be worth a lot be worth a lot someday!”

“Do you have any animals”, Jennifer asked.

“I have two dogs and three puppies. The puppies are about the size of my finger. They came with dog bowls, leashes, and a brush. I don’t have names for them but the puppies don’t listen.”

They laughed. That sounded like puppies. They were adorable and so little! There was a Veterinarian Barbie but she didn’t have her. Maybe one day, she would get a kitten. She did have the USA gymnastics Barbie! That was one of her favorites because her knees bent. Where did she get all of her stuff? Target. Her mother let her pick out what she wanted once a week. She went up and down the aisle looking for the right one to get. Until she found the one she wanted.

At home, she helped her open the packaging. Brad and Jennifer probably knew that buying the weekly doll was one of the only nice things she did for her daughter. It didn’t come out of kindness but to make her look like a good mom. They had gone to court on her behalf since she had been too young to go and they watched her be sentenced to nine years in prison.

It was a slap in the face for her and a slap on the wrist for Margaret. Her attorney used her mental health issues to get a lighter sentence. It was not fair at all. In nine years, Jayde would an adult and it would be her choice whether she wanted to see her mother or not. They would respect whatever she decided. At twenty-one years old, she would have a better understanding of what happened to her and what she had gone through.

At twelve years old, her knowledge and understanding were very basic, since she was still naïve and innocent. As a child should be. That was why they were adults. It was their job to protect her. They wanted her to remain innocent for as long as possible.

When it was time to eat, she put everything back into the paper bag and placed it back by the steps. She then went into the bathroom to wash her hands. George, though he never saw himself as a father, enjoyed playing with Jayde. She was a very sweet girl with a huge imagination! When she came back over to them, she sat down next to him at the table.

Jennifer let her have some wine. She poured a small amount into her glass. Thank you. They waited for her response after taking a sip. They laughed as she made a face. It was strong! She didn’t have to finish it if she didn’t want it. But she decided not to waste it. When it was gone, she took her glass to the kitchen and rinsed it out. She then poured water into it and brought it back before sitting back down. Maybe she would change her mind about wine when she was older.

After dinner, she went upstairs to change into her pajamas. She brought her bag of doll stuff with her and placed it back where she wanted it in her room. She had a bedtime of nine o’clock and they had a late dinner that had gone until eight forty-five. The next morning, she was going to be on set with Brad. He had a very cool trailer she liked to play in. She could even watch movies while playing with her Barbies.

Because the movie wasn’t for children, she couldn’t be there to watch a lot of the scenes because they were inappropriate or violent. Sometimes Helena Bonham Carter came over to see what she was doing. She enjoyed talking with her because she was nice and knowledgeable about how to interact with children. Helena also made sure she had enough to eat. After being given a cellphone by Brad, she got her phone number.

She also got Mike and Anna’s phone numbers. They also had cell phones, so she texted them back and forth. They loved being able to talk to her! She told them what she was doing and anything else she thought was important.

Yeah. She’s from England she told me that. I’m not allowed to watch Brad because he said the movie is inaproriate. I don’t know how to spell that word. So I do my schoolwork and watch movies in his trailer. I also take a nap in the afternoon because I’m tired. Maybe you guys can come over. I’ll talk to my dad and Jen. – Jayde

Inappropriate. That was the word she was trying to spell. The movie was based on a very popular book. The subject matter was for adults only. Maybe when she was eighteen, she could see it. Fight Club was mostly for guys, though Anna figured there would be girls lined up to see it just because Brad Pitt was one of the main characters. They both were going through their grief together. Being able to text her made her feel a lot closer than she was and it helped them with their loss.

We would love that! Let us know what they say. – Anna

@zoeykaytesmom @feelingsofaithless @jovichic-bonjovi4ever @borhap-au @beneathashadytree @duffs-shot-glass @geo-winchester @lokolokong-manunulat

[wayward-marvel-sommer1196]

No Memories Part 2: A Memory

Pairing: Dean x Winchester Sister!Reader  Sam x Winchester Sister!Reader

Warnings: Child Abuse, Kidnapping, Car crash, hospitalization

Word Count: 3348

A/N: Okay so I lied, this isn’t a short part 2. I got carried away and completely scraped my outlined ending so I could stretch this and make more parts. Part 1 has gotten 122 notes in just under 24 hours which is the most I have ever gotten on a story and in such a short time. Thanks for all the kind words about part 1 and hope you enjoy part 2. I don’t know when a part 3 will be out since I still have to outline it but expect it sometime in the future. The continuation of this story is all thanks to you guys so give yourselves a round of applause as you have given me more work to do lol. Just kidding I actually really like this series myself and I look forward to continuing it.

Summary: The police now believe Dean about your kidnapping, but since you have crossed state lines how do they deal with the situation of your “parents”? You can’t really focus too much on your parents as you can’t get the thoughts of Dean out of your head. Why was everything about this man so familiar? One thing is for sure nothing is making sense, but then again, isn’t it? You guys have the same eyes…. what else could be shared?

(Sorry this summary is shit. My head just wants to spoil everything, but I have to hold back and this is that product.)

Masterlist - No Memories

***Italics are flashbacks/memories***

^ Just imagine in the hospital with a cast on one leg and hair a little longer.

^ Ok but picture this but with only the top half of his body laying down on the side of your hospital bed, next to you 

“Mr. Winchester, can I speak to you outside,” the officer said.

Dean nodded his head and let you go. “I’ll be right back, sweetheart,” he said as he stood up and placed a kiss on your head and approached the officer.

“We found the missing person’s report your father, John Winchester, filed ten years ago,” the officer said.

Dean released a breath he didn’t know he was holding. “That’s good, right? That means I can take her home from here,” Dean said.

“Well, that’s where things get a little difficult. Can you have your father come here as soon as possible?”

“I can’t do that. He died four years ago. All that’s left is my little brother Sam and I. You can’t let Y/N go back to those people. She is terrified of them. When I mentioned you were going to contact them, she freaked out. They were the ones she was running away from. They were abusing her.”

“Okay calm down Mr. Winchester. I believe you, especially since the doctor seems to back up the abuse story with prior injuries she has sustained.”

At this Dean flinched, he didn’t want to think about what those people did to you because of his stupidity. “So, what do we do now?” Dean asked.

“Well, we can fast track a DNA sample but even then, it will take at least 24 hours. And then we have the parents to worry about, and the fact that she’s crossed state lines.”

“First of all, those people are not her parents. Second, I don’t have anywhere I need to be in the next 24 hours so let’s do the DNA test. Third I think I might have a solution for those people who claim to be her parents. You can’t take them because they are across state lines, right?” The officer nodded. “Well, what if we call them up and tell them we have Y/N here at the hospital and have them come here?”

“That actually might work. I’ll have to call my boss and get the go ahead, but I don’t see why not. They are about a half days drive out without stopping so it will give us time. First order of business though, I’ll have the lab tech come down and collect DNA samples from you two.”

“Okay but first let me run this plan by her. See if she is okay with those people showing up.” The officer nodded, handed Dean one of his cards to call him with an answer, and walked away.

Dean stalked back into the room and saw you with one leg bent up resting your arms on it, staring out the window with your long (Y/H/C) locks cascading down your face and off your shoulder. You weren’t a little girl anymore. His baby sister had grown into a beautiful young woman. Dean couldn’t help but feel a pang of sadness at the thought of missing you grow up. Then the guilt came flooding back as he was the one to lose you in the first place.

Right then you turned your head and your green orbs stared right into his seeing the same emotions you had been seeing throughout the course of the day. Dean didn’t realize you had started looking back at him.

“De? Anybody there?” you chuckled as you snapped your fingers to get his attention.

He shook his head and smiled. “Huh… Yeah, sorry. I’m here.”

“Where does our head go when you space out like that? It doesn’t look like it’s anywhere fine.”

“Trust me, it’s not. I’ll tell you that in a second. First I have to talk to you about something.”

“Okay.”

“It’s about your…” Dean hesitated on the last word. “Parents.”

“What about them?”

“We have a plan to make them pay for what they did to you, but I need to know you are comfortable with it.”

“Okay,” you said your voice a little shaky. “What is it?”

“We will call your parents and tell them you are here,” before Dean could continue he saw the fear rise in your eyes and your head start to shake. He grabbed your shoulders, looked directly into your eyes, and smiled. “BUT once they arrive they get arrested. I will be right next to you the entire time. I’m not sure how the police want to play it. If they need your parents to just enter the hospital or your room or whatever, but I’ll be by your side. I won’t let anything happen to you. I also told them that if you were not okay with it, we wouldn’t do it.”

You took a minute to think out your options. If you did this, then you would be free of them for good. If you didn’t, there was always the chance they could track you down. “You promise you won’t leave me when they show up?” you asked. Dean nodded his head. “I’ll do it.”

He smiled at you and gave you hug. “Okay, well I have to go make a quick phone call and meet someone in the lobby.” You nodded your head.

Dean pulled out his phone giving the officer the green light to continue the plan and the officer let him know the lab tech was on the way to get their DNA samples.

He walked out to the lobby and went straight to Sam. He explained everything that was going on and Sam listened. He explained you still didn’t remember but little things were popping up from then like his nickname. Sam gave a sad smile hugged his brother and told him to go back.

This time walking back in Dean saw you hanging your legs off the bed looking like you were going to stand up. You used your arms to push yourself up but started to lose your footing with the heavy cast on your leg putting too much strain on your arms. Dean saw you starting to wobble and was quickly at your side to grab you before you hit the floor.

“Easy there, sweetheart,” Dean said.

“Thanks,” you said as you looked at his face seeing that look again. “There’s that look again.”

“What look?”

“That look you get when you look at me. It’s like guilt and sadness all rolled up into one. Why? You saved me and are still saving me. You have nothing to feel guilty for.”

“Remember when you asked about my head space earlier?” You nodded and Dean took a seat next to you. “Can I tell you a story?”

“Yeah, sure.”

“I had a little sister. Her mom abandoned her with my dad, my little brother Sam, and I when she was an infant. I quickly feel in love with that little girl. She was the cutest little baby in the whole world. I was 16 at the time, but knew that little girl was going to be the death of me. She had the same green eyes as I did and quickly became my little mini me. My dad traveled a lot with work, so I took care of her most the time. She was basically like my daughter.”

“What happened to her?”

“One day when she was 5 I took her to the park. She was just so full of energy and usually my little brother would sit and play like Barbie’s with her but he was at school that day so I figured the park would be the perfect place for her to tire herself out. Boy, was I wrong. It was all good at first, she was calling me to watch her on every jungle gym, it was so cute.”

Dean couldn’t help but smile at the fond memory of the little girl. “The smile she had on her face just lit up my world. But being that I was young and stupid and a man, a cute girl walked by and I momentarily got distracted. When I looked back over for my sister, she was gone. I searched the whole park, but I never found her. Someone took her and it was my fault.”

Dean didn’t want to shock you so he left out the part about it being you. “I guess that’s just the look I always carry on my face. I never saw my little sister again. That was 10 years ago.”

“What was her name?”

Before Dean could answer, the lab tech came in. He took buccal swabs from both of you, which at first confused you. Dean explained it away saying it was probably just to eliminate his DNA from anything at the site. Luckily for him you bought it.

After two police detectives came walking in and explained everything that was going to happen. Your parents would have to come in the room. They needed to be caught in the act, but didn’t actually have to hit you. So as long as someone was there to stop it you would be fine. The detectives were there for hours asking you questions about your parents, your home life, and the abuse. The also wanted to prep you for what was going to happen when your parents showed up since they were on their way.

Once the whole ordeal was over you were exhausted. Once everyone had left your room, Dean looked over at you to see you peacefully asleep. He pulled the covers up and over you, placed a kiss to your forehead, and whispered, “I’m so sorry sweetheart. Forgive me for all the pain you had to endure because of me.”

Dean had walked down to the lobby and spent a couple hours sitting with his brother, both just talking and thinking out loud. Dean could tell Sammy was upset he couldn’t go and see his little sister, but three was nothing he could do. Sam understood why, but I didn’t make things any easier for him. After a while Dean went back to your room and Sam slept in the hospital lobby.

The next morning you woke up to see Dean asleep with his head on his arms on the edge of your bed. You couldn’t help but feel a connection to this man. It was something stronger than the fact he just saved your life. Then there was the story of his little sister. Why had that story resonated with you so much? You could picture it so vividly almost like it was you. Then there were the words he whispered into your ear last night when he thought you were completely asleep. What did he have to be sorry for? How was your pain his fault? All the thoughts were making you dizzy just swirling around in your head. So much of this didn’t make any sense, but at the same time it did.

You don’t know why but you had the urge to run your fingers through his hair. It was almost like you had a memory of doing it to wake him up, but you just met him, how is that possible?

Dean stirred awake at the sensation of your fingers running through his hair. It took him a second to gather his wits and realize where he was. He looked into your green eyes and couldn’t help but smile. You noticed that this time his smile reached his eyes. He was genuinely happy for the first time since you met him two nights ago.

“Mornin’ sweetheart,” he uttered with sleep still laced in his voice.

“Why does it feel like I’ve known you my whole life, when I just met you two days ago?” you questioned.

Dean was shocked by your question, but before he could answer one of the detectives entered your room.

“Your parents just called. They are about 10 minutes away. I thought you would like the heads up to prepare yourself,” the detective said and you nodded appreciatively.

“De, I’m nervous. What if something happens and they hurt me?” you said.

“I’ll be right here sweetheart. I promise I won’t let anything happen to you. Ever again,” the last couple of words he whispered under his breath, but you still heard them.

You saw your parents enter your floor and you began to tense. Dean grabbed your shoulder reassuring you he was there.

“Thank god, Y/N there you are. You had us worried sick. You can’t just run off like that,” your mother said. As she went stroke your cheek, you flinched.

“Were you really worried? You didn’t seem to worried about me when I was laying on the floor bloody, bruised, and crying for him to stop hitting me,” you said as you pointed to your father.

“You little ungrateful bitch,” your father said as he raised his fist to punch you.

You squeezed your eyes shut awaiting the blow but it never came. You slowly opened your eyes to see that Dean had grabbed your fathers hand before it reached you. He shoved your father back.

“Don’t you touch her,” Dean yelled.

“Who the hell are you?” your dad countered with.

“I’m the man that’s going to make sure you never hurt her again,” Dean said but he leaned close to your father and whispered something you couldn’t catch. “I’m also the man you and your wife stole her from.” Whatever Dean said had your father’s eyes going wide almost in fear.

Before Dean could do any real damage, the police came up and arrested both your mother and your father.

Dean turned back to you and rushed to your side to make sure you were ok. “Hey sweetheart, are you ok?”

“Yeah, I’m good a little shaky but good,” you said. “What did you say back there that had my dad so freaked out?”

“That’s a story for another time,” he said as he gave you a hug. “Hey, do you mind if my brother joins us? He has been kinda waiting for me in the lobby since yesterday.”

“Oh, my god! Yeah, he can come in. Why didn’t you say anything? You could’ve left. I could’ve managed.”

“I was on my way to meet him when I ran into you and he’s fine. After everything that happened there wasn’t a chance in hell I was leaving you.”

You smiled at him and gestured for him to go get his brother. So, Dean walked out of the room and called his brother.

“Hey Sam, I need you to grab something from the trunk of Baby and bring it up,” Dean said through the phone.

“Yeah man sure. How is she after the whole ordeal?”

“She’s a bit shaken, but still the same resilient little girl we remember, besides not being so little anymore. She still doesn’t remember but I think she is on the right path. Remember her ‘Boo-boo Bear’?”

“Yeah what about it?”

“That’s what I need you to grab. It’s in the back of the trunk. And before you say anything just don’t. Grab it and get up here so I can re-introduce you to our sister.”

Sam hung up the phone and ran to the Impala he opened the trunk and found your bear neatly packed in a clear bag in the back of the trunk. He couldn’t help but smile. His brother had never taken care of something so well in his life, other than the car of course. He ran back in and met Dean outside your door.

“I can’t believe you kept this all these years,” Sam said to his brother.

“Yeah, well I needed something to remind me how much I fucked up,” Dean smiled sadly at the bear and Sam smiled at his brother knowing damn well that wasn’t the reason.

They both entered the room Dean keeping the bear hidden and Sam standing behind Dean. Instantly Sam looked familiar to you like Dean first did, but you just shrugged it off.

“Hey Y/N this is my little brother Sam,” Dean introduced.

“Little brother? He’s bigger than you,” you chuckled and so did Sam. “Nice to meet you Sam, I’m Y/N.”

“Nice to meet you too,” Sam said sheepishly.

Sam seemed to be a little awkward and a bit standoffish completely opposite of his brother. You were sure why but again you just shrugged it off.

“I have something for you, sweetheart,” Dean said as he lifted the bear into your view.

As soon as you saw the bear your eyes widened and suddenly a memory popped into your head.

You were three years old and Dean was 19. Your dad was gone on a job. You never knew exactly what he did but you didn’t care. On this particular day, you were sick with the flu. You had a 102-degree fever and you were simultaneously hot and cold at the same time. You had cough that hurt your throat, your nose was so stuffy you couldn’t breathe, and you were all achy. You started to cry because nothing was making you feel better. Sam came running in the room to see what was wrong.

“Y/N, bug, what’s wrong?” he said.

“Sammy, everyfing hurts,” you said.

“I know, I know sweetie. I’m sorry,” 15-year-old Sammy said as he snuggled into you engulfing you in a bear hug.

“Where’s De?”

“He went to the store to get you some medicine, bug,” he said as he wiped some of your tears.

Just then Dean walked in the door with a couple of grocery bags in his hands. He set them down and pulled out your medicine and a teddy bear.

“Hey sweetheart how are we feeling?” Dean said.

“Very bad,” you said.

“I’m sorry sweetie I have medicine that will make you feel better. It tastes like bubble gum,” Dean said.

“O’tay,” you said.

“Sammy what was her last temperature?” Dean said.

“Still 102,” Sam said.

“Damn it, okay. How are you feeling? Cough? Stuffy nose? Feeling warm?” Dean said as he started to feel Sam’s head.

Sam swatted Dean’s hand away and said, “I’m fine.”

“Ok well I bought some chicken noodle soup if you get that started I’ll give her her medicine and get her settled.”

With that Sam started cooking and Dean went to you to give you your medicine and the surprise he got you.

“Sweetheart I need you to sit up,” Dean said and she complied. “Here’s your medicine. I need you to drink it okay?” You nodded and Dean helped you pour it in your mouth. “Great job sweetheart, now I need to fix your hair because it’s a rat’s nest,” you giggled and nodded. “But first I have a surprise for you,” Dean said as he pulled out the teddy bear. You shrieked and grabbed the bear squeezing it tight.

Dean situated himself behind you with a brush and a ponytail and started to dig the Y/H/C mess. “That is a special teddy bear, sweetheart,” he said.

“How?” you asked as he finishes parting your hair to start a braid.

“That there is a Boo-Boo Bear. Anytime you get sick, or upset, or get a boo-boo you take that bear and squeeze it tight and it will help you feel better.”

You looked down at the bear and gave it another squeeze and you did feel a little bit better, maybe it was just from the comfort, but either way it did help.

After a couple more minutes, Dean finished your braid and turned you to look at him. You gave him a big hug and kiss and said, “T’ank you, De. I feel better aweady. I wove you.”

“I love you too sweetheart,” he said as he squeezed you and laid you back down with him. You snuggled into his side and fell asleep.

“Boo-Boo Bear?” you said almost in a whisper.

“You recognize that,” Sam said as he came closer.

“I do, Sammy,” you said as Sam’s jaw dropped at the use of his nickname. “Why do I have memories of you guys taking care of me as a sick toddler in a motel room? And why is everything about you two so familiar?”

Part 3 Coming at some point 

Tag List: Let me know if you want on the No Memories Tag List or my General SPN  Tag List 

@jensen-jarpad @winchesters-favorite-girl @sisterwinchesterwriter @27bmm @deanjensengirlmaggie @lenaabs @a-fan-fighting-for-equality @spn-applepie-imagines @alicat-life @bookgirlofnarnia @georgialouisea @meghan-brannon @trinty33 @deansgirl215 @kas-not-cas

[szopenhauer]

have you got any brothers or sisters who annoy you? my sister annoys me indeed

as a younger teenager, did you have any older guys/girls hit on you? as a teenager nobody hit on me

would you ever want to be changed into a vampire? doubt it, the only thing that would truly interest me about it is immortality which isn’t actually living forever as even sun can kill you and knowing my luck that would happen fast 

does the thought of dying give you cold chills? kinda how many times has someone called you boring, if ever? several times because I don’t travel, I don’t party, I don’t like sports and out of some other reasons has anyone ever told you that you had “so many” months to live? not exactly as a teen, were you trusted to be alone with a boyfriend/girlfriend? as a teen I had no real bf/gf do your parents both have a job? my mom’s retired already are you currently unemployed? if not, what’s your job? I am where do you belong? nowhere?... were you anyone’s first kiss? I was what is the color of your cellular telephone? black what color are your gloves/mittens? I have few pairs when was the last time you listened to the radio; and do you remember which song was the last you heard on there? not counting online radio that I still rarely listen to (usually just during Christmas time, that special playlist on rmf) - years and I don’t remember the last song because I didn’t think it will be the last one and that just made me sad do you think English the hardest language to learn? noooo do you clean under your nails with safety pins? I use toothpicks how long after your shower do you walk around naked, or in your towel, until you decide to get dressed? I get dressed right away  does it bother you that so many people start going out like a week or two before valentine’s day, as if it’s just because they don’t want to be alone? that’s really lame, I’m sorry for them what do(es) you(r mom) grow in your garden? lots of stuff what do you think of facial piercings? meh, some are ugly, some are ok did your shoe laces come with your shoes? yeah but they still have zippers as I wouldn’t bother to own shoes with just laces do you have any cds you bought at the concert?. never bought a CD at the concert what does your second oldest sibling do for a living? I have only one sibling and what she does is not your business (pun intended) are there any beanie babies with your birthday? Beanie Boos   Carrots - rabbit - style 36031   Julep - monkey - style 36056   Pashun - dog - style 36206 Beanie Babies   Bunga Raya - bear - style 4615 - (birth year 2002)   Dewi Y Ddraig - dragon - style 46157 - (birth year 2010)   D'Vine - monkey - style 40767 - (birth year 2008)   Flower - meerkat - style 46155 - (birth year 2010)   Niles - camel - style 4284 -(birth year 2000)   Peace - bear - style 4053 - (birth year 1996)   Peepers - bushbaby - style 40795 - (birth year 2009)   TOUR Teddy - bear - style 40347 - (birth year 2006) Teenie Beanie Boppers   Terrific Tessa - style 0334 Boppers   Lovely Lily - style 0223

what color is your cat? it was all black with yellow eyes

do you own any buddha? nooo, why would I  do you know what color hazel really is? .. my eyes? XD what color is your toaster? don’t own one what color is your webcam? white but I don’t use it as I have no mic, I tried to buy one but they never work so I prefer to use my cellphone as a cam instead do you have anything real gold? I think I still own that one tiny item (necklace with the letter Z) and if I do I will probably sell it

Do you own any adult colouring books?  those gimme anxiety  When was the last time you got some new headphones? mine are about 5 years old

Do you know anyone whose name starts with the letter X? I don’t :o

Name a food that you dislike the texture of. pears 

Describe the cover illustration of the book closest to you. it has the Stranger things villain on it behind the room with no. 11

Do you wear a mask when you go to the store? of course, if you don’t - I hate you!

Are you expecting a package right now? am not

What is one thing you hate about summer? mosquitos for an example

Did you go outside today? just our garden

Have you ever received a misdiagnosis from a doctor? yup

Do you have a book that you’ve read multiple times? I never reread books

Do you enjoy babysitting? ugh...

What was your favorite book you had to read for school? I used to like Cierpienia młodego Wertera - that was stupid of me

Have you ever wanted to be a teacher? in pre-school 

What’s one childhood dream that has stuck with you? my own apartment

Would you want to re-live your childhood over again if you could? I believe

Which do you like more: being an adult or being a kid? being a kid 

Did your parents smoke or drink when you were growing up? nope

Do you enjoy bonfires? they were fine

Have you ever ridden in an ambulence? couple of times

Do you know anyone who used to be loving, but then turned cold?  that would be me...

What color are your bedroom walls? green and yellow

Is there an old friend that you miss and would like to reconnect with? I tried...

Have you been bullied? all of my school years basically

Which talent show, if any, would you most like to audition for?  I have no talent

Do you feel like time goes by fast, or slow? both slow and fast

Who do you know who has died of cancer? my aunt that I didn’t really know

Have you ever stayed overnight in a hospital, and if so, what for? couple of times, once even almost entire month, long story (stories actually)

Have you ever been so angry you wanted to sue someone? hahaha

Have you ever been a victim of racism? I’m white so not really

Did you go to prom? nah

Are you an aunt or uncle? yep

Do you feel like you are currently in a state of suffering? and that not all of your basic needs are being met? If so, how long have you been in a state of suffering? I’ve always been and it only got worse

Life isn’t fair. True or false? it seems

Name a few people who seem to have everything handed to them. born rich

Do you pray less or more than you did 5 years ago? more

Do you pray a lot? not enough

Have you ever used an epi pen? hope I won’t have to

What was the name of the biggest bully in your high school? HS didn’t have big bullies but for me that was A.L.

How many kids do you want to have? 0

Do you want to get married? hmm...

Best date you’ve been on? dunno

Dream date? *shrug*

Ever kissed someone on New Year’s? never

Have you ever been in so much pain you prayed that you would die? other kind of suffering

Who always tries to stop you whenever you try to go after your dreams? life/world so God I guess 

are you in love with llamas? they’re cool

do you like hats? beanies and those winter ones in animal shapes 

have you ever had surgery? not yet

do you have an enemy? some I call this way

do you want to save the trees? yes

what size shoe do you wear? 38-39

do you cook? I do not

do you like taking pictures? at times

pink flamingos? cute for the garden :3

do you like spiders? I don’t mind them

do you own an mp3 player? but I don’t use it anymore, not even sure if it still works

why are you hitting yourself? self harm

what’s your mom’s name? personal

what about your dad? same

have you ever won anything? yep

is revenge sweet? in movies might be and sometimes I laugh when ppl get what they deserve, sorry not sorry?

have you ever had someone lie for you so you wouldn’t get in trouble? sort of

who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Spongebob

do you like night or day better? night

do you like finding nemo? nooo

plaid or polka dots? why not stripes?

have you ever done yoga? a bit

what posters do you have on your wall? no posters

do you wear dresses a lot? noooo

how many school dances have you been to? all of them besides prom

can you swim? can’t

don’t you just want to mass murder all barbie dolls? why? :o

who was the last person you were under a blanket with? my gf

name something great that happened today? for example - Choices chapters were great

who was the last person’s voice you heard? mom’s

did you speak to your mother today? of course

what color is your hair? naturally dark brown

when was the last time you talked to one of your siblings? online or irl?

how did you wake up this morning? by myself

how many letters are in your last name? 11

do you still talk to the last person you kissed? in general because at this very moment she’s asleep

do you believe that everything happens for a reason? not everything

do you ever pretend to text/talk on the phone when you’re in public? yeah  have you ever had spinach? if not, would you ever want to? I ate it before don’t you hate when the wires pop out of your bra and poke you all day? my bra has no wires am i the only one who likes to go grocery shopping? you’re not alone

is anything wrong with your eyes? possibly do you ever write notes on your hand? used to last time you cried? why? I was moved by the game on my cellphone

when is the last time you were in a swimming pool? in middle school have you ever fallen backwards on a chair? I don’t recall what do you feel like watching? nothing atm do you ever try to write with your non-dominant hand? with feet too who makes you laugh the most? my gf and my dad who starred in your last dream? besides me - no one that I know  do you regret doing something today? maybe do you think you’re old? I’m not but I often feel like I am  are you afraid of the dark? at home only - especially mirrors and windows in the dark are scary

sometimes, do you wish you were someone else? not a particular person have you ever told anyone you were ok when you really weren’t? it’s bad but I did that before do you talk a lot? do I?

which member of your family are you closest to? dad

would you ever apply to be on reality tv?  doubt it do you have a hard time letting things go? I guess have you ever struggled with your weight? slightly when you are out with your friends are you loud and outgoing or shy and reserved? depends  do you like to stay in your pajamas all day long? whatever in high school did you have a lot of friends? do you still keep in touch? group and not really at what age did you get your period? 13? fuzzy socks: yay or nay? yay

When was the last time you held a puppy? years ago

Was the person that last slept over at your house a boy or girl? girl Who’s name first comes to mind that starts with the letter “P”? Paulina and Patrycja

Do you have any kind of jewelry on at the moment? not at the moment Would you say you use “lol” too often? get used to this!

When was the last time you vacuumed a room? I mop the floor 

You can only shop at one store for the rest of your life, what store is it? but food? :o

Have you ever donated to a cause? yup

[whimsically-ominously-auspice]

Matt Plants dad apologized to me for using his wife as a midwife to kidnap the Z twins and the 3 other Annabelles in her kindergarten and intended to be placed in the schools where she attended.

Annabelle was an oddly popular name. 5 in her kindergarten class. 2 moving in and out.

I took my daughter out of normal public school after grade 1.

Then i took her out of all public school in grade 5.

For 2 - 4 she did attend public school 2 and a half days a week. I "homeschooled" her the other 2 and a half days.

Which I actually didn't do shit. I didn't educate her at all. I just let her be at home. I didn't attempt to be a teacher to her. I was barely a mom. She knew she had to learn. So she watched Beakman's World over and over to learn Science. She did. She was able to pass the standardized tests for science she took in the public schools. From Beakman's World.. Old somewhat out of date science.

And i didn't tell her to. Sometimes she asked me about home school and i told her "you need to do it. You know what to do?" And I would hear the tv on

I had to report to the schools.. About her work. So if we went to Albuquerque to play mini golf well it is "physics" that runs a car. And so i would say well wr drove 2 hours so i would fill in her sheet "2 hours of physics" we didn't talk about how the car worked but we were in the dam car. It runs by physics. I figured that counted. I wrote all kinds of bleak shit on those worksheets to account for our time while being alive. If she made a pizza in our convection (toaster oven like) then it was chemistry.

I hate school. I hate public schools. I hate rules..

If we went out to eat it was biology because she had to shit at some point.

Video games like Minecraft were "study of basic principles" or "sociology" because she had to kill monsters sometimes or ran into other villagers.

We learn. We absorb. In each and every thing we do.

Did i lie? No

Did i teach her? No

It didn't mean she didn't learn.

She got into ghosts and ghost hunting "physical science - not physical education" "metaphysicalaty" "metaphysics"

Its science.

Solving a mystery "meta-physical physical science with an algebraic equality"

I am relieved to know the 5 Annabelles and 2 male twins have been reunited with their birth mothers and family.

They didn't realize how to mark them then follow them back to birth to find out who kidnapped them in the SMS.

So they been wanting to know who was behind it and they knew it been confessed several times before and apologized. So they have been waiting for this morning.

So they will all be accumulated and discarded the kidnappers of these infants.

There is a conflict with the people who raised them for 16 years... That is their parents... And so they will be dealt with in a more gingerly, gentle manner. Because while they are just kidnappers I do know one set of "parents" personally and they did give love to the children. They ARE ALIENS that do not belong here that raised human children ... So they may stay a few more months to help smooth the transition.

But they will leave and so there is No point to jail them as they have ankle monitors now.

Unfortunately all the families have ties to the regular USA military.

Including Matt Plant's dad. Who I met while he was in the Coast Guard and Matt, kidnapped human, was a left handed little boy that was born in 1981. He was a school mate. We had desks next to each other. He pissed me off all the time because he was left handed and he took up all this fucking space the way he wrote and knocked shit off my desk all the time. Fucking kid was spread eagle elbows out all the time like some war was going on

"Dude!! You're just intended to write!! You don't need to take up so much space! You're killing the atmosphere! I don't need your elbow in my face!" Cause literally it was. We were HORRIBLE seat mates. But I had a desk in the back of the room because I rarely went to school. But there was things I wanted to learn so I went when the teacher had it on schedule. And for some reason he stayed home a lot, too. So we got the seatmate until he asked to be placed back with the boys. And I just had my own desk all alone. The way I liked it. No one to talk to me and bug me. So I could just learn.

I liked the kid. I always admired him.. Until I had to fucking sit next to him.

This sweet kid Nate was left handed so i told the teacher to pay attention -- Ms Chen she was murdered by the Chinese Embassy.... But i told her "look Nate is having problems with his seat mate because hes left handed"

"And Jewel (she called us all precious names) he is doing well much better than the two of you. Try to get along better please"

Like dam it, so finally i got the nerve to argue her ... Because she was fucking good at being bossy

"Look. I don't mean to boss you around because I'm not here so often but look Nate's seatmate has to rearrange his shit all the time. So, it would be easier on him in his learning cycle not to sit next to Nate but they are friends, i see them hanging out at the park all the time. And Matt here needs some really good friends too that are patient and kind unlike me as you do say. And i talked to Matt Pleasants earlier this morning and he did say he would rather sit with the boys but you had him sit next to someone like me, before and they didn't get along so well so if you moved old Matt to be with Nate who is also not,right handed,i think they would be more comfortable"

And finally she couldn't argue me back.

"Well who do you want to sit with?"

"No one! Im quite fine alone!"

"See the thing is -- in society we are never alone and so you must sit with some body"

"Oh!! I'm not alone!! I am here with you! You sll6! So many people in this room and school I am here with$ in this kind of type of society!! I am! I swear!"

"Ok calm down and,explain to me more"

"I see in the subways all the time, Miss, I see not the children But adults mostly and mainly being alone. But in the society in which we born and breed. Not that I was born here, I wasn't. I was born down south, i think. But the point is Miss, who do you sit with in this society? Your desk you are alone. At home, single with no husband, you are alone. In this society in which you claim we need somebody. You aren't with anyone!"

"I know. Just sit sit. I cannot argue you any more! You make me cry! You are too smart for my beauty! You beautiful babe. I do love you. And I wouldn't kill you for the world!"

I bought her a house and gave it to her. All the teachers at PS 26 because of Miss Lieberman and because of Miss Chen. Mostly because of Miss Chen.

After she was murdered, we turned it into a neighborhood watch community apartment place. Her house. "To keep the entire world safe"

Because of her we stopped human trafficking in Russia and China and Lebanon, Czechoslovakia, Slovakia, Quebec, The entire state of NY, Outer Mongolia, Egypt and many parts of Africa. Using the United Nations. It was "Operation: "I'll free you" regarding Ms Chen and her rightful delegates to life, freedom and happiness. The End"

And you see why? Because she loved. She taught. She listened. She cared so much she cried.

No one in the world like her. And she died. Murdered.

No one more beautiful and willing to fight. Her death inspired 29 nine to fifteen year olds to quit school, lie about their ages and enlist in the military to go to war in Desert Storm, to gain experience to fight Old World China that forced Miss Chen to live in fear so much she moved across the world just because she was born female.

Her love. Her beautiful love. The wealth of that love caused young boys to quit school to fight a whole country.

Because she taught us One Person does make a Difference

She fed our souls with true love and experience. She had a feeding tube to our hearts, not just our minds. Not just to educate "but feel and breathe and be alive!"

At home I was abused.

At school I was fed by a feeding tube to my heart.

To grow. To fly. To not only change me and how I react to stress but to change the world.

That is what she fed us. My Uncle Dad always did, too.

But in between him and me was an abusive and wicked step mother and brother.

She was our Church. Our School. Our Mother. Our Boss. Our Best Friend.

And she always liked to say "I am your Teach. I am your worst enemy"

She was from Mongolia, Republic of China.

So she had an accent but she worked very very hard to not show one. And I was always caught off guard... I always heard "I am your reach" and I would think "from your outer soul to inner" because she always touched my heart with a valid argument I couldn't not agree with even when I thought it was the worst idea possible. Like being jabbed by a left handers elbow and living in fear of it.

I started this post talking about kidnapping. Linked how I know this Matt's best while at school

Now I just want to talk about her. I saw Matt Plant is a teacher, seriously balding, I think it had something to do with her. He teaches 8th grade science.

He used to live 2 doors down across the hall from me. So I actually spent allot of time at his house (apartment) I would play with his sister that was 3 years younger. Dolls. Barbies. Read her books. Tell her things Miss Chen said about love, human companionship and compassion. She would say "I got another C Word for you -- Complain and I gotta use it in a sentence -- I must Complain I am not in Ms Chen's class with you"

So I introduced her and so she would run over and give Ms Chen a hug every morning before school started and say "tell me something smart"

Often she would say a one or two line of street safety advice.

And every Friday "tell me something smart" and Miss Chen would reply "you are" while touching her little chin, and giving her an extra hug.

It established a new principles in our classroom. Every morning on the board was a quote "tell me something smart" so for our journal enteries she would write "tell me:..... .... ....."

One girl changed our classroom. One mysterious girl when I played Barbies with, I would repeat something Ms Chen had said that day. Playing Barbies was really just holding a Barbie up and talking... Mostly for me anyway.

Ms Chen changed her world. Because I spread the love and nourishment and guidance she gave me onto her.

So why I try shit like human trafficking and then turn myself in and call the CIA and/or FBI and tell in myself -- it is because of her.

"If you do something bad, turn yourself in, day you're sorry and Beg for mercy. You'll get into less trouble"

My Uncle Dad Said the same thing. They didn't even know each other to "conspire to categorize communication to cause conflict in annoyance from home to school"

She knew us all. She knew I hated home. But others liked theirs so she would say something different to encourage us to understand she had independent thought.

She really was a beautiful woman human.

The world is Deep and Complex.

What comes around goes around.

I hope those kidnapped children are all doing well after reuniting with their family.

[meggellithorne]

all the beautiful nostalgic moments of my youth:

1. homemade ice lollies

2. camping with my family

3. picking up acorns for the “perfect fire” with grampa

4. lanterns on New Years Eve

5. losing my favourite stick & Grampa holding my hand & following my steps to find it

6. braaing with Grampa

7. cooking with gran

8. school projects with my grandparents

9. my grade 7 lightning poster with mom

10. dad going all the way home from the airport to fetch my favorite ring so I didn’t have to leave home without it

11. mom doing me & my brothers nails in a little bowl when we were super small

12. that time I lost P200 I was supposed to give to my grade 7 teacher and had an anxiety attack and cried because I was so scared I’d get into trouble & mom gave me a hug and told me it was okay

13. trying on dresses for my matric dance with my mom & gran

14. going to milky lane & watching “When in Rome” with my gran

15. Ocean Basket with my dad

16. Perna Perna with my gran & grampa

17. drawing a whale at my grandparents house & my mom having it framed (age 7, mom drew a horse)

18. running down Kilimanjaro with my dad (even though he told my brother he’d rather have gone with him)

19. dad saying “I love you so much, you’re always on my side” one day when I was small and he came home late at night from work

20. dad bringing home two pieces of nickel from the mine for me & my little brother

21. mom teaching me how to draw shapes

22. napping at the top of my clothes cupboard because I could fit & liked to sleep in hidden places

23. my childhood friend Kyra & I picking lemons & putting them in our dresses to make boobs

24. shopping with mom

25. gran teaching me how to knit & getting me a Barbie sewing machine for my birthday

26. mom giving me a pretty purple passport doll one day when I was anxious that she was mad at me

27. gran teaching me how to plait

28. dads hugs & cuddles & little massages

29. Simba & Tigger, the most beautiful little animals

30. walking on the monkey bars with my friend Robynne every break time

31. teaching my childhood crush (Christiaan) how to write the number 3

32. making vegetable soup in my grade 1 class with Mrs Richards

33. Mrs Van de Bought taking me home and getting me an ice-cream because Harry Potter, our class movie, was really scary (age 4)

34. Shakawe with my friend Shevaun: we made up silly songs & put on a show for the family (age 11)

35. the day my dad bought home my JCB teddy bear from his company trip in London

36. Christmases in Plett, and riding our bikes all over (especially the time it flooded & we had to cycle in knee deep water, which was really fun)

37. story telling after lights out in the boarding house

38. my little brother and I climbing onto the roof when mom wasn’t home and jumping into the pool with our friend/brother Neil

39. also climbing onto the roof and having picnics

40. quad biking with our parents and squishing into pairs on the bikes

41. dressing up as a cat and climbing trees with my friend Meagan

42. switching clothes & climbing the jungle gym every time we went to Anniques house

43. picking mulberries with Jemma

44. decorating the treehouse at our new house

45. dad bringing home Patch

46. diving down & picking marula fruit out of the pool

47. singing to my little cousin Eric while we were waiting for his mom to get home (he was scared she wouldn’t)

48. playing teacher with my little brother and his friend Barend (I even gave them homework)

49. teaching my little brother how to read

50. my high school friendships, their closeness & the sisterhood (Kelly, Kieran & Tshili)

51. Aero plane trips home from boarding school with Amy

52. holding my little cousin Robbie when he was just a baby (making extra sure I was cradling his head)

53. playing barbies outside with my little brother and building whole towns

55. that carpet with the roads & a little city which we’d play cars on

56. drawing hearts with mine & Christiaans initials on the mirror after I showered

57. the day he asked me to be his girlfriend in grade 6 (we said we loved each other straight after that lol)

58. taking Simba into the bush and driving slowly behind her in the car as she ran into the wilderness

59. making little beds in my draws for Tigger

60. the furry mouse toy/memento the vet gave me after Tigger died

61. Sun City with Sean & Conner (and one time my grandparents came) on all my birthday’s.

62. when I got my first phone from my gran and Grampa

63. me & Hannah’s medieval outfits from my Aunty Carol

64. all the important people being proud of me & my good report cards

65. my walk with dad when he told me he’d like me to repeat grade 8 because I was too much younger than my peers (who bullied me)

66. watching “How to lose a guy in 10 days” every Christmas with my mom, because for some reason it always showed on TV in December

67. chewing gum for the first time on Robberg mountain

68. boogie boarding with my dad because we were too young to do it ourselves

69. dad’s French toast

70. Mom’s soup

71. lunches with my aunty & gran every Wednesday during my first year at boarding school

72. decorating my room at my gran & Grampa’s house

73. building my milk carton car with my Grampa in the back yard

74. gran’s Sunday brunches & Heckers nursery

75. singing “party for 2”, “lemon tree”, “pretty Belinda”, “away in a manger” and “grandpas old jalopy” in the car as a family during road trips

76. picking flowers and bringing them to my mom

77. making special headache bags (sandwich bags with water and flowers in them, tied with a hair band) & special soap concoctions in the shower

78. climbing the tree at the the tennis club

79. playing with red velvet mites & mophane worms & making them race

80. riding those plastic black motorbikes on the tennis courts

81. jay boarding with Reece & Kyle (and tying them to the back of our bikes to go extra fast)

82. turning a lawnmower into a go-cart with my little brother

83. spray painting fishing lures with my dad

84. drawing a horse sign for the farm with my little cousins (I was director)

85. my first kiss

86. dancing with my roommate KB at a dance I forgot the name of but had the best time at

87. singing my moms ringtone so she’d think her phone was ringing and would come find us

88. playing rugby and soccer with my dad

89. playing canasta with my dad & our secret cheat code

90. being 5 years old and insisting on like 4 outfit changes every day

91. Aunty Solfrid washing and styling my hair with little butterfly clips and doing my makeup

92. being in a dance play and getting to be a pink ballerina (age 4)

93. playing tennis with Loryn & Shevaun

94. breaks with Robyn & Tunanjina (we “invented” a game where you had to throw our school hats to each other & catch them with sticks)

95. watching high school musical with my mom & little brother

96. singing & playing “I’m a Barbie girl on repeat” with a big set of headphones

97. dressing up as a fairy or princess every chance I got

98. watching the nutcracker & Care Bears on video at my grans house

99. going to the pantomime

100. the elephant teddie bear that aunty Vicki got me when Eric was born, and the brown talking bear she got especially for me when I had pneumonia

101. helping dad with the cottage window putty

102. decorating “my room” with gran & grampa

103. boat trips with the family, dad letting us drive around the bouys & mom teaching us how to blow bubbles with chappies

104. singing “angels” by Robbie Williams with KB in the boarding house & painting our nails glittery blue

105. being a close little family & feeling loved & cherished & important

I know these are just the good moments, and that writing this made me cry because things aren’t like this anymore; but these are the moments I will always hold close to my heart - however trivial they may seem.

[useyourrwords]

Top Ten Tuesday // Screen Adaptations I LOVED, Ones I NEED & And Ones I NEED NOW – Page to Screen

I’m a lover of screen adaptations

Look we had a run of ones that weren’t…great. But the last few years have more than made up for it!

Honestly, it’s just made me more excited for screen adaptations to come!

The rise of limited series have made it even more possible for the industry to get our favourites right.

I must admit, lately I have become someone who usually even prefers the screen adaptation. But that being said, some of my favourites have been ones I hadn’t even read the book for first!

But I really do think that the watch first, read later thing works for me. If I see a screen adaptation coming out for a book I haven’t read yet, then I’m not someone who rushes out to read the book first.

In fact, I will purposely wait until after I’ve seen the adaptation because nine times out of ten it means I’ll be able to appreciate the adaptation for what it is instead of constantly holding it to the high standards of the book. If I go in relatively blind first than I don’t know what I’m missing. Ignorance is bliss, as they say.

So in this post I’m going to be listing five adaptations I have seen and LOVED, Some of which I haven’t even read the books for yet! Shhh, I’ll get to them, five I NEED to happen and how I would want them handled.

And of course it wouldn’t be a Grey Top Ten without some honourable mentions at the end, this time of screen adaptations that are coming but that I’m impatient for and want NOW.

If you would like to buy any of the following books please consider using my Book Depository Affliate link!

Past Top Ten Tuesdays

 Top Ten Tuesday // Fave Short Stories and Anthologies – Magical Doors, Radical Women, Villains and the Ultimate Heart Break

 Top Ten Tuesday // My Back List Books – I’m Publicly Shaming Myself

 Top Ten Tuesday // Audible and Overdrive Are My Lords & Saviors – My Audiobook TBR

Screen Adaptations I LOVED

│To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before│Jenny Han│Screen Adaptation│

Lara Jean: I wrote five letters, so don’t go feeling too special. Peter: You wrote five love letters? Lara Jean: Yeah. Peter: Damn, Covey, you’re a player.

This one is the most recent one I’ve seen and I adored it!

Lara Jean is sweet and adorable and Peter is everything a teen girl could dream of.

I recently read the book in December and I think the movie did it justice.

Also Lana Condor played Lara Jean perfectly. Like every little detail was just right. I loved discovering that after seeing the film because it made me appreciate it even more.

     │Big Little Lies│Liane Moriarty│Screen Adaptation│

Madeline: They say it’s good to let your grudges go, but I don’t know, I’m quite fond of my grudge. I tend it like a little pet.

Big Little Lies captivated me from the first fucking episode.

This is another one where I saw the adaptation before the book and this is actually one of those times where I couldn’t tell you which one I prefer. Maybe it’s just been too long since I’ve consumed either?

I really loved how the story is told and I was obsessed with it, jamming it down everyone’s throats after I binge watched the show.

I need season 2 like, yesterday!

     │Sharp Object│Gillian Flynn│Screen Adaptation│

Amma Crellin: Don’t tell Momma

This limited series made me want to die. But in the good way.

It just—I was not ready in the slightest. 

Amy Adams fucking killed it as Camille and deserved all the awards. She’s become one of my favourite actresses because of it.

I’m even willing to possibly watch the Woman in the Window because she’s in it even though the author of book is absolutely a dumpster fire.

Everything about Sharp Objects was a knife to the throat.

I need to read the book SOON!

     │Dumplin’│Julie Murphy│Screen Adaptation│

Willowdean: As far as I’m concerned, a swimsuit body is a body with a swimsuit on it.

I cried so much watching this film. Like sobbing, I couldn’t stop.

It was what Sierra Burgess should have been but could never be.

Also it features one of my fave actors Bex Taylor-Klaus and their v. fake teeth.

I haven’t read the book but i probably won’t read it because it doesn’t seem as good as the film.

     │Love, Simon│Becky Albertalli│Screen Adaptation│

Emily: As soon as you came out, you said, “Mom, I’m still me.” I need you to hear this: You are still you, Simon. You are still the same son who I love to tease and who your father depends on for just about everything. And you’re the same brother who always complements his sister on her food, even when it sucks. You get to exhale now, Simon.

Hello and welcome to my favourite film, possibly of all time.

I would have sobbed while watching this the first time but I was in a packed theatre so I had to settle for subtly tears. But GOD DAMN IT if that wasn’t the most perfect film.

Okay so it wasn’t perfect, there were some things that weren’t the best BUT we finally got a LGBTQ+ film where nobody fucking dies. That’s a win for me.

I just loved it so much I bought like the collector’s edition of the DVD it’s ultraray or something, I have no idea but I sobbed through the whole re-watch.

It’s just the perfect movie for when you’re sad and need cheering up.

Screen Adaptations I NEED

│Sadie│Courtney Summers│Limited Series│

I wish his darkness lived outside of him, because you have to know it’s there to see it. Like all real monsters, he hides in plain sight.

So everyone knows this book has become one of the best audiobooks of all time. I mean, I haven’t listened to is yet but I have zero doubts.

But I think Sadie would also make the perfect limited series, think Big Little Lies and Sharp Objects.

Perfection.

     │The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo│Taylor Jenkins Reid│Limited Series│

“Don’t ignore half of me so you can fit me into a box. Don’t do that.”

I cried when I finished the book and had to come to terms with the fact Evelyn Hugo isn’t a real fucking person because she should be and Reid made her feel realer than any person I actually know.

Also I changed my middle name to Evelyn to honour her.

This would make an amazing limited series! Can you tell I love limited series yet?

Honestly I just want to be one step closer to make Evelyn as real of a person as possible.

Also the actress MUST be queer and Cuban. I won’t have it any other way.

Basically I just want the adaptation Jamieson @ Jamishelves described.

     │Dangerous Girls│Abigail Haas│Film│

Wouldn’t we all look guilty, if someone searched hard enough?

This book was so un-put-downable I could scream.

Honestly it was one of my favourite reads for 2018 and I read a lot of good books last year.

I would love it to be filmed documentary style. I think it would be really cool to do it that way as if it’s a real crime being covered.

I don’t know, I just want it.

     │Genuine Fraud│E. Lockhart│Film│

For anyone who has been taught that good equals small and silent, here is my heart with all its ugly tangles and splendid fury.

Jule is honestly a fucking monster and I need to see her on my screen.

I don’t know how I want it, I just know I need it.

     │All For The Game│Nora Sakavic│Netflix Series│

“Fight because you don’t know how to die quietly. Win because you don’t know how to lose.”

My co-worker and I have gone over what we want from this screen adaptation so many times and it includes a Netflix series, Troye Sivan and Alison and Renee need to be canon and NO WHITE WASHING!

But also I’m in love with Jamieson’s @ Jamishelves casting.

Honourable Mentions

Screen Adaptations I Need NOW

│The Rook│Daniel O’Malley│Stan Series│

“You look like Cinderella,” said Val in awe. “Yeah, if she’d been into bondage and had Christian Dior for a godmother.”

I was scrolling through the Stan (Australian streaming service) Facebook page, when I saw a trailer for a new series they have coming out called The Rook.

Boy, was I surprised to find out that one of the very first books I ever read because of Goodreads, specifically because of Emily May’s review, was being made into a screen adaptation.

I loved the plot and the world and our main character.

It was whip smart and magical and thrilling. It was such a great genre cross-over and I loved every second of it.

I can’t wait for the series and I am in physical pain because they haven’t actually announced a release date yet. I cry.

Writing this post made me want to reread it, so I read it in April for a readathon!

     │Shades of Magic│V.E. Schwab│Film Rights Sold│

“I apologize for anything I might have done. I was not myself.” “I apologize for shooting you in the leg.” said Lila. “I was myself entirely.”

My love for this series will never die, and neither will my mum’s.

After all, she took Lila’s name as her own middle name when she changed her name earlier this year.

We basically have matching literary middle names now because you can’t tell me that Lila and Evelyn aren’t the most Slytherin women you’ll ever read.

I feel like I’ve been waiting for this screen adaptation forever and I’ll probably still be waiting for it forever.

But I don’t care because there is hope and I need it.

Also I want Piera Forde as Lila Bard.

        │Grishaverse│Shadow & Bone│Six of Crows│Leigh Bardugo│Netflix Series│

“When everyone knows you’re a monster, you needn’t waste time doing every monstrous thing.”

I’m so excited I could scream!!!!

I mean I haven’t read the Shadow & Bone series yet but  I have read Six of Crows like every other person and their dog.

Things I want;

No white-washing

No straight-washing

And give us FAT NINA, you cowards. Barbie Ferreira, preferably.

Dark

V. v. dark

Also check out Jamieson’s @ Jamishelves post on this.

     │The Raven Cycle│Maggie Steifvater│Series Rights Sold│

“Way back before you were born, Calla and Persephone and I were messing around with things we probably shouldn’t have been messing around with—” “Drugs?” “Rituals. Are you messing around with drugs?” “No. But maybe rituals.” “Drugs might be better.” “I’m not interested in them. Their effects are proven— where’s the fun in that? Tell me more.”

I’m currently reading this series and it’s just so brilliant.

It has to be big on characters! yes, the world is magical and incredible but the characters should always be first.

Also I wanna see lots of the psychics because they’re fucking funny and wise and honestly I just need Persephone and her whimsy self.

The relationship dynamics between all the members of the Gansey Gang are important. Don’t fuck with it. Any of it.

     Past Top 5 Tuesdays

 Top 5 Tuesday // Books I Would Save In A Fire – Fuck Everything Else, Let Me Save My Books…And Cat

 Top 5 Tuesday // Incredible Introductions – An Excuse to Share More Quotes

 Top 5 Tuesday // Character Driven Books – The Books with My favourite Monsters

I have thought about these far too much

What screen adaptations have you loved? What ones have you hated? What ones do you want to see? Which books did you want to never be touched by Hollywood at all? 

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[lovemesomesurveys]

When you were young, what did you dream of being when you grew up? When I was a kid, I wanted to be a teacher. In middle school I knew I liked helping people, and when I got to high school freshmen were required to take a health and intro to psychology course. It was then I decided I wanted to get into psychology.

Are you young at heart, or an old soul? I think I’m a kid at heart.

What makes someone a best friend? It’s just a different kind of bond and connection. You feel closer to that person, and feel like you can trust them and tell them anything. They’re usually someone who knows you very well and vice versa.

Name one physical feature that you like about yourself, and one you dislike. I like my hair when it’s freshly dyed and looks nice. That’s not the case currently, I’m months overdo. :/ As for what I dislike... everything else. Because I’m months overdo I don’t even like my hair right now either. 

Would you like to reconnect with any friends you’ve lost contact with? I’ve drifted apart from everyone over the past couple years. This past year, especially. I’ve been so distant and withdrawn, which in turn has made me a bad friend. I haven’t been there for them like they deserve. I know I’m not the only one with problems, but I’ve just been so wrapped up in my own shit. I’ve been selfish. I don’t know what’s going on with anyone anymore, and that’s horrible. I’d like to be able to reconnect with them and be there for them, but I’m just so messed up.

What’s more important in a relationship: physical attraction or emotional connection? Emotional connection to me. That’s what really is the root of the relationship and what keeps it going in my opinion. It’s deeper than looks. Not to say physical attraction doesn’t play a role at all, but it’s not the most important because it goes beyond that.

Name a movie that you knew would be terrible just from reading the title. I know I’ve been guilty of judging a movie by its title, but of course I can’t think of a specific example right now.

What holiday do you most look forward to? Christmas.

How is the relationship between you and your parents? Very good. My mom and I are especially close, she’s my rock. I am very fortunate to have two supportive, loving parents in my life.

Name a song that never fails to make you happy. I can name songs that make me sad, but I can’t really think of one that makes me feel happy. Like, songs that are upbeat and catchy are fun and nice and all, but they don’t really make me happy.

You know at least one person named Michael. Tell me about him. Actually, I don’t.

Have you ever read the “missed connections” on Craigslist? Have you ever posted one, or wanted to? No. I’ve never even been on Craigslist.

If you could pick anywhere to live the rest of your life, where would it be? I’m not sure. I like my state, but my hate my city. So, maybe just another city in my state, or another state entirely. I’d have to travel and experience a few places to get more of an idea.

Can money buy happiness? It could certainly help with some things that are stressful. It’d also allow me to travel and get things that would benefit my family and I. All of that would be nice. However, it wouldn’t get rid of my chronic health issues, both physically and mentally. It wouldn’t fill certain voids. It would be nice, don’t get me wrong, and it would certainly help out a lot, but some things it just can’t buy.

Do you drink? Smoke? Do drugs? Why, or why not? I don’t drink anymore and haven’t for about four years. I don’t have a desire to as of now. It just wasn’t enjoyable for me, and I was over it. It also wouldn’t mix well with my medications. I haven’t smoked weed in about three years, but I wouldn’t be opposed to it. The opportunity just hasn’t presented itself. I don’t do any drugs, and I have no desire to.

Where was your favorite place to go when you were a little kid? Hmm. I really just liked playing Barbies for hours on end lol.

Have you ever spent a night in the hospital? I’ve spent months in the hospital.

Do you enjoy being with only one or two friends, or with a large group of people? It depends. Being with a group can be fun.

Do you like the type of music your parents listen to? Do your parents like the type of music you listen to? Yeah, some. My mom and I listen to a lot of the same. She likes current stuff and music from throughout the 2000s, some 90s stuff, 80s stuff, oldies, and classic rock. I like all that as well.  My dad likes some current stuff, but mostly country and classic rock, which again I like all that as well.

Have you ever been bullied? Have you ever bullied anyone else? No and no.

If you could only eat one thing for the rest of your life, what would it be? Hmm. I don’t know. I tire of even my most favorite foods if I have it too often close together. If I had to eat only one thing for the rest of my life...

If your partner wanted to wait until marriage before having sex, would you stay in that relationship? I’d be fine with that.

Do you believe in a god? Yes.

Would you call yourself/your family “middle class?” Yes.

Name a TV series you didn’t enjoy until after it ended: Well, it’s more that I didn’t see them until after they already ended. Especially like, I Love Lucy and The Dick Van Dyke Show that ended waaay before my time. I also like The Golden Girls and Roseanne, which ended before I got into them.

Have you ever bought a product from an infomercial? Nope.

If you could give up your car and never have to drive again, would you? I already don’t drive or own a car. <<<< Same.

If you go back to one point in time to give advice to yourself, when would you go and what would you say? Oh man. That’s tough. Maybe middle school or around then.

What’s your “quirkiest” habit? I don’t know.

What is “normal?” Are you normal? Exactly, what is normal?

Someone close to you is dying. You have the choice to let this person live for 10 more years, but if you do, you cause the death of 10 strangers. You don’t have to see them die. Do you take the offer? That’s horrible.

Would you rather be in a relationship after the honeymoon period ends, or be single? I mean, I’ve heard of the honeymoon stage ending as they say, but I didn’t think it was necessarily a bad thing. Like, that doesn’t mean they’re not in love or not happy. I just thought it meant that it might not be so lovey dovey all the time. Ha, I don’t know. It’s probably best that I’m single.

Is it possible for guys and girls to be just friends? Yes...

Where do you and your friends go to hang out? It’d usually be like Starbucks or somewhere with food. Or the mall.

What is the best TV theme song ever? Hmm. I don’t know.

When you’re alone in your own home, do you walk around naked? Nope. I don’t feel comfortable being naked. I don’t know, it feels weird to me. I also don’t like my body so even if no one else would see me, I’d see me. I just prefer wearing clothes.

What gets you out of bed in the morning? Coffee.

Do you want to have more friends than you have right now? No. I suck at maintaining friendships with the two I do have.

What part of the past year sticks out in your mind? Probably towards the end of the year.

You win a scratch-off lottery game that gives you $2000 a week for the rest of your life. Do you keep your job? I don’t have a job, sooo.

What is your favorite sport? I don’t like sports.

What has been troubling you lately? Health related stuff.

Did you enjoy your high school prom? If you haven’t gotten there yet, do you look forward to it? If you didn’t go, why not? I didn’t want to go initially, but my best friend convinced me to go. I ended up having fun. The best part was that the guy I was crushing on had came up and danced with me. I died. lol.

What do you use more often: your intuition or logical reasoning? Logical reasoning.

Tell me about the last book you read. The main character was running away from her troubled life and started anew somewhere else with a different look and identity. She worked on a ranch where she also lived, and they rented cabins to the public. This author guy books one of the cabins, and she and the author get to know each other. He’s a game changer for her. She always pushed people away before it got too serious, but he was different. Anyway, her past starts to catch up with her. He reveals some stuff to her and she learns the truth about some things. She also ends up having to go back to where she ran away from six years prior. Crazy stuff happens. Ha, I suck at summarizing. The books is called, He Found Me by Whitney Barbetti.

What is the nicest compliment you’ve ever been given? Hmm. I don’t know what the nicest would be. All of them are nice. To receive any at all is nice.

Who was your first crush? This kid who was like two grades higher than me when I was in 3rd grade.

Predict what your life will look like a year from now. I don’t know, I can’t think that far ahead. I have to take it day by day.

Often, people will ask how your last relationship ended, I want to know how it began: We were introduced through a mutual friend and just hit it off. He expressed interest in me from the start. He was like really flirty and all that. I’m shy and awkward, so it took me a bit. I was like wth someone is actually really interested in me? Things just kind of took off and thus began three years of ups and downs and something, whatever it was between us. I fell for him hard.

Where is your favorite place to go out and eat? Just really depends on what I’m in the mood for.

Early bird or night owl? I’m really not either one. I used to be such a night owl, but literally I’m just so tired all day.

Are there any childhood possessions you still hold on to? I still have my Barbies and a lot of stuffed animals packed away in the garage.

Give me an unpopular opinion you have. Pineapples do NOT belong on pizza! End of discussion.

Where do you live? Be as general or specific as you want. In California.

Do you believe in giving kids medals and trophies for participation? That’s tough. I think it’s good to encourage the members and congratulate them. It is a team effort, after all. They worked hard. However, it is nice to be recognized for your achievements. Some work harder, or go beyond, and they deserve something for that. That could also encourage the others to try harder, too. Gah, I don’t know. I’m not making sense. I feel like that sounds bad. Basically, the whole team should be congratulated and encouraged. They can get something to showcase that and/or throw a party for the team or something like a lot of teams do at the end of the season. I just don’t know if everyone should be awarded a trophy for participating. That seems like something that is earned for doing something above and beyond or a special skill, ya know?

What was the longest car ride you’ve ever taken? From California to Idaho.

Would you ever use an online dating service? It’s not something I’m interested in.

If you earn minimum wage doing what you love, would you? Sometimes that just doesn’t work financially, unfortunately. That’s how some people end up doing something they hate because it pays better.

Would you rather be alone doing something you enjoy, or doing something you don’t like with your best friends? Alone doing something I enjoy. I’ve found myself in the second situation many times, and truthfully I just wanted to be back at home. :| Those situations are just uncomfortable and unpleasant. I’d feel very out of place. In those cases, I’d rather be comfortable at home doing something I actually want to do.

Do you practice what you preach? Not always. I could certainly follow my own advice sometimes.

Are you hard-headed? I can definitely be stubborn at times.

Have you ever laughed uncontrollably when it was socially inappropriate? Not that I can recall.

Do you often skip breakfast? All I have in the morning is a cup of coffee and a couple muffins or a donut. It’s pretty rare that I eat anything big before noon.

How do you express your creativity? I enjoy coloring.

Describe your neighborhood. Not much to say? It’s pretty quiet and chill.

Name something you only liked because it was popular. Hmm.  I am sure there are examples of this from when I was younger, but I can’t think of any right now.

Give me the story of your life in six words. It’s a series of unfortunate events. Haaa.

[sinsiriuslyemo]

Here it is guys!! Now, just a quick announcement. We have some special features that we really wanna get out for you guys, so we’re bringing back the two week hiatus before we start posting season 9. Don’t hate us lol We love you and we have tons of really fun stuff coming up!

There’ll be a week where nothing Cuba v DR is posted, and then week 2 of the hiatus is when we’ll start posting the special features.For now though, here is the season 8 finale!! Thank you all so much for all the amazing feedback! It gives us life!

SEASON FINALE

Amber came and picked you and Lily up early in the morning, driving the three of you to the Fashion District downtown. Normally, you would have never bought Lily an expensive dress with how fast she was growing out of her clothes, but this was different. You wanted her to feel like just as much of a princess as you did that day.

“Barbie, she’s going to fit in the dress for like a month, and then you’ll have to hope you have another girl or the dress will never be worn again,” Amber mused, smiling softly over at you as you browsed the toddler section of Saks.

“But I’ll save it in her baby box,” you grin excitedly. “I’ll buy it a little big and then we can just take it in if we have to. Isn’t that right my love?”

“Mama Lily wear pink?” Lily asked eagerly as she held your and Amber’s hand while you walked through the aisles.

“Sure baby, if you want pink,” you smiled, your wedding theme was blue like the ocean, but you’d let Lily wear your wedding dress if she asked you. There was no way you could say no to that face.

“Yeah, you can be like the coral in the ocean,” Amber mused. “Oh my Gosh, Barbie…” She picked up a frilly dress that almost looked like a tutu with how thick it was. “How cute is this?”

You smiled, “Lily what do you think?”

“It pink!” She squealed in delight, holding her chubby fingers out for the dress. You smile, sitting right down in the middle of the store and trying it on your toddler, ignoring the looks. If you tried to wrangle her into a dressing room, it would not end well. You were better off just trying it on her out here.

“It’s so cute,” you grinned at Amber and watched Lily bounce up and down in her little dress. “Mija, you look so gorgeous, like una princesa!”

Lily ran around, screaming in delight at her frilly new dress. You picked her up, smiling and laughing as you walked right over to the checkout counter. “You are gonna have to scan my toddler,” you say seriously. “If I try to take this dress off her, you will all go deaf.”

Lily smiled at the bored looking cashier. “Lily got pink dress!”

Amber smiled, “Yeah, come on, Stella,” she read the annoyed girl’s name tag and smiled. “Scan the toddler, this can’t be the first time you’ve had to do this.”

“It’s definitely the first,” Stella said with a tight-lipped smile. “Most mothers would take the dress off their child first.”

“Well La-Di-Fuckin’-Dah,” Amber rolled her eyes and moved behind the counter, scanning Lily’s butt over the machine and making her giggle.

“Ma’am you can’t be back here,” Stella said in disbelief.

“Well Stella, if you’d been doing your job, I wouldn’t have to be,” Amber pointed out, setting Lily in one of their big bags and making Lily laugh in delight. “Alright Barbie, the register says…$382, damn, Stella is this dress made of gold?”

“Please stop using my first name, we do not know each other, and get out from behind the counter.” She said curtly.

You hand her four hundred in cash and smile, “Keep the change,” you pick up your baby in the bag and listen to her giggle for a moment.

“You’re welcome, bitch,” Amber said to the cashier as she followed you and Lily out of the store.

Rafael smiled softly over at Izzy as they stood in line to board the plane. Nudging her with his elbow, he waited until she met his gaze.

“You nervous about flying?” he asked. He’d felt a little better after a night of sleep, the excitement of showing Izzy more of the world taking over his thoughts.

“Not really. I like the idea that statistically were not that likely to die, even though we're hurling through the air in a metal tube.” The kid behind them started crying.

Rafael looked back apologetically at the parents, who were glaring at Izzy, namely the mother.

“Sorry,” he said softly to them, turning back to his sister. “You probably could’ve assessed your surroundings before saying something like that,” he mumbled to her.

She knelt down to the little boy and smiled, “Don't cry, you are way more likely to die in your car. Or if you mom just snaps and kills you or something. Planes are super safe.” She assured.

“Izzy!” Rafael exclaimed, thankful for the line beginning to move. They went to their seats, and settled in before he smiled at her. “So have you had anymore thoughts about school?” he asked casually, taking one of the magazines from the back of the seat in front of him.

“Not even a little,” she said honestly. “But I have a few schools that I got accepted into and they want me to go so now I just pick which one,” she shrugged and smiled at him, leaning her head on his shoulder. “Do you wanna go to some kind of brothel?” She offered. “That might cheer you up.”

“Izzy! No! Why would I want to go to a brothel? Ever. Nevermind that I’m traveling with my 17 year old sister.”

“Well why not?” She looked at him softly. “You get lonely right? That's what they're for.”

“No, Izzy, that’s…” He shook his head. “It’s inappropriate, first of all. Secondly, it goes against everything I stand for, regardless of whether or not it’s legal there doesn’t make it right, and as lonely as I may be, I’m not going to...pay a woman to have sex with me. Besides sex is probably the last thing I need right now. It’s a temporary fix,” he answered.

Izzy shrugged, “Whatever you say Rafi,” she smiled. She turned her attention to some of her sketches. She'd started drawing some of the strippers from Nevada’s club, naked. She loved drawing Diamond specifically, such a bubbly personality.

“We really should talk about your attitude towards sex sometime, because I’m...a little concerned,” he replied softly.

“What are you talking about?” She asked softly, smiling up at her brother. “Just because I'm not a prude like you,” she teased. “Doesn't mean anything.”

“I am not a prude, and Izzy, it’s not about being a prude or not, it’s about having a healthy attitude towards sex. Having sex isn’t like baking a cake, it’s something sacred and intimate between two people.” He looked over at her and rolled his eyes. “Okay, maybe that sounds like something a prude would say, but I am not a prude.”

She just grinned, “I bet you've slept with maybe...five women in your life, yeah?”

“Not that it’s any of your business, but I’ve actually slept with six women in my life,” he replied. “Why does that matter?”

“Rafi, my number is fifteen. You are a prude.”

“Fifteen?! You told me eight yesterday!” he exclaimed, giving an apologetic glance to the people around him who’d looked over. “You’re seventeen, Izzy. That’s a ridiculously high number for someone your age...it’s a ridiculously high number for any age. Just because I haven’t slept with a lot of women, does not mean I’m a prude, and you know what? You always talk about not wanting to be judged, and here you are judging me just because I haven’t had sex with a ton of people.”

“Oh Rafi...I didn't mean it in a bad way,” she said softly, kissing his cheek. “I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. And fifteen isn't that many, it's roughly two a year.”

“You’ve been having sex since you were ten?” he asked sarcastically.

She seemed to be doing the math in her head a minute before nodding, “Yup. Actually eleven but...”

His eyes went wide and he opened his mouth a few times, shaking his head.

“And you don’t see anything wrong with that at all? Did your mother know?”

“Um...I think so? I'm not sure.” She shrugged, still sketching while she talked.

“You don’t think there’s anything wrong with an eleven year old having sex?” he asked again. “How old was this other person? I’m almost afraid to ask.”

“Everyone has a different age of developing,” she said seriously. She didn't bother answering the other question.

“Izzy…” She didn’t look up at him. “Isabella Barba, look at me,” he said in a slightly deeper voice. “How. Old. Was. The other. Person?” he asked again.

“Rafael it's not a big deal,” she rolled her eyes and looked at him. “I didn't ask the age, but old enough to bet at the horse races. He was my dad’s friend,” she shrugged. “I liked him, that was back when I thought maybe I liked boys, he offered to help,” she shrugged again going back to drawing. It wasn't a big deal, why was he making it a big deal?

“You were raped,” he replied softly, frowning and softening his gaze. “Izzy, that...man,” He growled the word man as though he wanted nothing more than to find the guy right now and lock him up. “Had no right to touch you. What he did was wrong.”

“Oh my god, they aren't kidding about SVU, everyone's a victim with you guys. No Rafi, I didn't let anyone rape me. Jesus,” she rolled her eyes, “I said it was fine, and look who's being judgemental now? I don't want to talk about this anymore,” she crossed her arms, staring out the window. “If you're gonna keep trying to turn me into a victim, stop it.”

“Excuse me. I am not trying to turn you into a victim. You were eleven years old, if he was old enough to bet at horse races, that means he was at least 21. There’s a name for that, it’s called, statutory rape, and guess what, it is against the law. I’m not judging you at all, but this is something you should really deal with at some point.”

Izzy just shook her head going back to her sketching in silence. Rafael didn't understand.

“Now you’re not going to talk to me? Six and a half hours of complete silence?” he asked. “Great. Thank you. That’s just great,” he said sarcastically.

He went back to reading the magazine still in his hands. Or tried to. He couldn’t get the thought of some man out there, possibly continuing to sexually assault other little girls.

“You know what? You may not care about what happened to you, but I do. And I’m willing to bet that he’s done this to other girls, what about them?” he asked quietly. He was angry, but he wasn’t about to embarrass her in front of a plane full of people.

“He's gone, Rafael. He was my only friend growing up and he left the country. So if you're done insulting anyone who has ever meant a goddamn thing to me, I have work to do.”

“He wasn’t your friend,” he muttered under his breath. “And watch your mouth, there’s kids on this flight.”

“I just wanna have a good trip, please Rafi,” she whispered, taking his hand. “I just wanna do this with you.”  

“You make it very difficult when every time I try to voice my thoughts, you just get defensive or give me some back-handed, sarcastic quip and shut me out,” he replied, looking back at her.

“You keep insulting the people who kept me alive,” she said softly. “That hurts me, they meant the world to me and you say bad things about them, I don't like that.”

“I’ve never said a bad thing about your mother. Your mother was the one who kept you alive, everyone else, from the sounds of it took advantage of you. The fact that these people meant the world to you just makes me realize that you don’t see the damage that they did,” he replied.

She looked at him sadly, “What do you want me to say Rafael? What happened, happened… And I don't want to think about it anymore.”

He shrugged, shaking his head and sighing.

“I want you to try to work through some of this stuff...maybe talk to someone. I really am worried about you,” he replied softly.

She pressed her face against his neck and nodded, “if it'll make you happy.” She didn't need it, she was fine, but she would do anything for Rafael.

Normally he would have told her that she didn’t have to do something just to make him happy, but not this time. This time, she needed to do what he asked.

“I’ll make an appointment for you when we get back,” he replied.

“Oye, looking good, mijo,” Nevada said as Eddie came out in his matching leather tux. “You bringing Melanie to the wedding?” he asked as the tailor finished taking in his inseam.

“Huh? No way, Melanie and I broke up. She started reading my text messages, she was nuts,” she looked at himself in the tux and grinned, “I look fucking hot.”

“Coño, what is it with the Ramirez men and attracting todas las locas?” Nevada asked under his breath. “Bueno, maybe it was for the better. You can focus on school now,” he added a little louder, turning towards his nephew to show him his own leather tux. “Que tu crees?” he asked, holding his arms out.

“You look like a douche,” Eddie grinned playfully and smiled. “Tia is gonna love it.”

“Como que ‘look like a douche?’ You’re wearing the same suit, pendejo,” Nevada replied, ruffling his nephew’s hair.

Eddie laughed, “Tia is gonna go nuts for how good this suit looks. Oh, and she'll like how you look too, I guess.” Eddie grinned and turned to look at himself again, smoothing his hair back and winking at himself in the mirror.

“Now who looks like a douche,” Nevada teased. “Bueno, let’s get changed and get out of here.” He looked at the tailor. “Los dos, para dos semanas desde hoy,” he said, earning a nod from the older man.

They both changed back into their own clothes and Nevada paid for both suits, making arrangements for them to pick the garments up the day before the wedding.

“You hungry?” Nevada asked as he and Eddie walked out of the tailor’s.

Eddie nodded grinning, “Totally, oh and can I watch Lily this weekend for some extra cash? I wanna pay for my ticket to the senior prom.” He asked hopefully.

“Yeah, that’s fine,” Nevada answered, swallowing a bit as they walked down the sidewalk. “Oye, I wanna ask you something really important,” he said as they made their way down the few blocks to the sandwich shop.

“Sure,” Eddie nodded, smiling as he walked beside Nevada. Eddie was almost as tall as Nevada already, the kid had sprung up overnight.

“You and me, we’ve been through alot together,” Nevada said, putting a hand on the juncture of Eddie’s shoulder and neck, pulling him slightly closer. “Your tia and I love you like you were our own. I watched you grow up from a little wrinkled potato. I know I haven’t always done right by you pero...I was hoping you’d be my best man.”

Eddie’s eyes lit up at the question, “Really tio?” He whispered softly, smiling when Nevada nodded. “Yeah, yeah I'd love that! Thank you!” He threw his arms around his uncle and smiled, holding him tight. “I love you so much tio,” he said softly.

“Si, okay, payaso. Oye, we’re in public bro,” Nevada teased, patting his nephew on the back.

“So?” Eddie rolled his eyes. “You gotta be more comfortable with your sexuality tio, chicks love that shit.”

“Oh I’m plenty comfortable with my sexuality, mijo. Pero you know que a mi no gusta that lovey dovey shit...your tia’s different. Ella es mi esposa, I’m supposed to do that shit with her,” Nevada replied.

Eddie rolled his eyes, “I love Tia, but before her you were ALWAYS seen around town with different women. My friends would tell me all the time, you gave up all that action for one person? Not that tia isn't special, I just mean...she must be really special.”

“She is...she’s rare talent, mijo-”

“Ew! Tio too much info!!”

“Como que too much info? Mira chico...you’re gonna meet a lot of talent in your life. Mira, ay una alla,” he said, pointing to a woman walking across the street. “Pero one day, you’re gonna find a woman that is rare talent. Beautiful, smart, funny, and willing to put up with your Ramirez bullshit. When you find her, you hold on to her, me entiendes?” Nevada said as they sat waiting for a server for entirely too long now.

Eddie rolled his eyes, “I've met a lot of talent and I don't wanna think of tia like that! Tia's old and a mom! Gross! She's pretty like...mom pretty. But she's not hot and that's super gross. No more talk about tia.”

“Oye, mi esposa is hot, carajo.” Nevada looked around at the half empty sandwich shop, almost irritated as he caught the eyes of the teenage girl behind the counter. “Oye, mija, who do we gotta fuck around here to get un singao sandwich and a soda? Hm?” he called out in a playful tone.

“Tio!” He turned to the girl, “I am so sorry for my uncle, he has Tourette's. He can't control what he says.”

The girl smiled at Eddie, looking him over. “So does that make you George?” Nevada made a face, arching a brow at the girl.

“Yes, and don't worry I won't let him pet any rabbits,” Eddie winked making the girl blush, it was clear she hadn't expected him to get the Of Mice and Men reference.

Nevada arched a brow at his nephew, snorting softly as he watched the kid flirt with the girl on the other side of the counter.

“Bueno, George, why don’t you ask her to get us a couple of sandwiches. Yo quiero jamar,” Nevada mused. “Y oye, it was a fucking puppy that Lenny killed, not a rabbit and he didn’t tourettes. Ustedes dos son un par de idiotas,” he said in a much softer voice.

“Dude,” Eddie whispered seriously, “Do not cockblock me or I swear to god for the next month I will tell Tia I'm scared and insist on sleeping in your room.”

“Como que ‘cockblock’? And your tia’s not gonna fall for that shit, mijo,” Nevada answered. “Pero, bueno dale. Do your thing, chicken wing.”

Eddie rolled his eyes going back to talking to the girl and ordering. This was his third blonde in a row, Eddie definitely had a type since Reina. He smiled when he got her number, coming back to Nevada with the sandwiches and drinks.

“Well done, young gun,” Nevada mused with a chuckle, taking his sandwich and diving into it. “Oye...you wouldn’t really cockblock me with your tia, would you?” he asked around a mouthful of food.

“I wouldn't, but I'd tell Lily a monster’s under her bed and you two wouldn't get alone time for months.” Eddie said as he ate.

“You evil genius,” Nevada mumbled softly.

Amber watched you take Lily into daycare and smiled softly. She would have to tell you sooner rather than later that she’d been called in early to head to Baghdad, but she had no idea how she was supposed to do that. When you got back into the car, she looked at you with a frown.

“I’m leaving in an hour,” she blurted out.

Your eyes go wide, “What? What the fuck do you mean an hour! You had one more day!” You frowned and shook your head. “No, no thank you, I already don't like that you're going overseas, you don't need to go even earlier!”

“They do need me earlier, but it’s only a couple of weeks, and it’s a really great opportunity,” she replied.

“You have great opportunities here! You can stay with Omar! Start a family! Get married! Have a couple of little ones! You have a life here, you don't need to leave again! Amber! There's so much more to life than a stupid job…”

“It’s not just a stupid job,” Amber snapped back, furrowing her brows. “You know, I thought you, of all people, would understand. I mean, when we were in college, we always said we would never get married or tie ourselves down with kids. You may not think that way anymore, and that’s fine. I’m happy for you, really I am, but that doesn't mean that I have to sacrifice something that’s really important to me.”

She sighed heavily, running a hand through her hair in frustration.

“I love Omar, and we’re happy, and he was the first person to tell me that he supported my decision to take this job,” she added.

“It's a best friend's job to give it to you straight Amber, you could die. You aren't eighteen, you've already been blown up once why would you want to go back?” You look at her softly. “The reason I shut you out wasn't because you left Rafael, you left me. You didn't say a word and for a full year I thought you were dead somewhere! So when you came back the first time, I didn't want to see you.

“You didn't think for a second about how I might feel losing my best friend. Now you're going back again...I want you to be here when I have another baby, when I get married… When you get married or even if you don't. I don't want to lose you. You aren't going to a New York Times building, you're in the middle of a warzone. I'm allowed not to want my sister to die,” you say softly.

“I’m not going to die,” she replied, shaking her head. Lately, she’d been trying to take Omar’s advice and believe she was coming back instead of worry that she might not this time. “And I’m sorry...I was young, and had just been offered my dream job. I jumped. I didn’t think about anyone but myself, and I’m sorry,” she added.

You nodded and sighed when you pulled back up outside Omar's apartment, “Come back home soon, we need you here,” you whispered softly and hugged her tight, not wanting to let her go. When you finally do let go, you watch her go inside and sniffle, wiping your eyes as you drove towards the restaurant to meet up with Nevada. You called him on your phone in a sniffly mess.

“Amber left early,” you whimpered in a choked sob.

“Aye, mami, I’m sorry,” he replied, frowning a little and playfully shoving Eddie when the teenager starting to mimic him. “She’ll be back, don’t worry.”

“I just want to see you now, drive faster,” you whimpered softly, being on the phone with him helped a lot though.

“I’ll be right there, I’m just dropping off the oldest rugrat at school,” he replied.

“I know great monster stories,” Eddie reminded him.

“Oye, fuck that. Dale, pendejin, get off the bike,” Nevada replied in a chuckle. “Don’t forget you gotta be at the center after school. Don’t be late again, me entiendes or I’ll go back to the sandwich shop with that picture of you playing in the bathtub when you were little. Así, con la lengua afuera.” Nevada stuck his tongue out dramatically and screwed his eyes shut as he tilted his head back.

“You're such a dick,” Eddie laughed.

“Language!” You scolded over the phone. “Oye, vamos papi, hurry up.”

“Oye, ya, okay. I’m on my way,” he groaned with a smirk, hanging up and waving at Eddie before he tore off down the street.

“I think I’m going to be celibate for a while,” Rafael mused softly, staring straight ahead.

“Yeah? Why? You should check out some of the girls instead, do some real slutting around.”

“I think I’ve done enough ‘slutting around’ the last few weeks, thank you,” he mumbled. “I just need to stay away from women, find some...clarity,” he mused.

She shrugged, “if you say so,” she giggled and nodded to the flight attendant walking down the aisle with bright blonde hair. “If you don't want her, can I have her?” She teased and watched the flight attendant bend over to buckle in a toddler. “Fuck, if I were single...” Izzy mumbled, watching the girl bend over.

“Hey, don’t do that. Come on.” He glanced over at the flight attendant. “Be respectful,” he whispered to her.

“Seriously?”

“Yes,” he replied with a pointed stare. “Seriously.” Izzy rolled her eyes and smiled as the flight attendant came over.

“Is everything okay over here?” she asked with a soft southern accent.  Her eyes roamed over Rafael and she blushed. “If there's anything I can do, y'all can just gimme a call, alright?”

He smiled up at her and nodded his head.

“Thank you,” he answered softly, swallowing a little. The flight attendant smiled and sauntered off.

“She was hot and she was flirting,” Izzy said with a grin. “She is c-u-t-e.”

“She was not flirting, she was just being nice. It’s her job,” he replied, shaking his head.

“Rafael, she was flirting hard, trust me, I know women,” she said with a smile, she went back to sketching and chuckled. “She wanted you bad.”

“Izzy, trust me. Let me explain something to you, we are on a plane, and on these planes there are people who are paid to be nice to you so that’ll you’ll want to come back and spend more money. They’re supposed to be nice to you,” he replied.

“Dude…” The young college guy across the aisle from him, looked over and offered his two cents. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to eavesdrop, but I gotta say something. I understand that on the spectrum of ‘I wanna have sex with you’ to ‘I wanna kill you’, hospitality and flirting are somewhere in that gray area in between...”

“I appreciate your input, but she was just doing her job,” Rafael replied, looking over the kid.

“No way, man, there’s hospitality, and then there’s hospitality plus, and she wants you to put it in her davenport. All I know is, that girl’s into you.”

“Oh thank fuck, a kindred spirit,” Izzy grinned and fist bumped the college dude. “She wants you to stick it in her loading dock Rafi, I now have someone else who agrees,” she gestured to the college guy. “I'm Izzy, in a few minutes I'm definitely gonna draw you,” she flashed her cutest smile.

“Cool,” the guy replied.

“Jesus Christ,” Rafael sighed, rolling his eyes. “I’m going to the bathroom,” he groaned, getting up and moving towards the back of the plane to the restroom. The occupied sign made him sigh again, and he slid his hands into his front pockets as he waited for whoever was inside to finish up.

“Hi again,” the flight attendant noticed him with a warm smile. “I don't think I ever told you my name, in case you needed something…” She bit her bottom lip for a second, “I'm Anna Grace, nice to meet you.”

“Rafael Barba,” he replied, giving her a gentle smile. “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be in your way, I’m just waiting for the restroom,” he added, looking her over for a moment.

“You are most definitely not in my way, Mr. Barba,” she smiled and went back to preparing snacks at the station directly across from the bathroom.

He cleared his throat softly, finding himself looking back to glance at her again as she bent over. Turning back towards the bathroom, he sighed softly as he heard the toilet flush and smiled politely at the man who came out. Moving inside, he closed the door, locking it and started to relieve himself.

She hummed softly while she stacked the snacks. When he opened the door, she stepped into the bathroom, gently pushing him back inside with her.

“I hope you don't mind, Mr. Barba, but you are incredibly handsome, I would love to have a moment of your...time.”

He laughed nervously, the small confines of the bathroom effectively pressing their bodies extremely close together. He licked his lips, looking down at her.

“Um, won’t we get in trouble for this?” he asked softly.

“Providing...quality customer service is my job, Mr. Barba,” she wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him softly, her lips tasted like cotton candy lipgloss and just the softest hint of peppermint.

He groaned a little, trying to gently push her back, and smiling at her.

“I’m sorry, I-- you’re beautiful, but I’m trying to...stay celibate for a little while. I’m still getting over a breakup, as well as a second breakup of sorts, strangely enough,” he rambled.

“Sounds like you've had a rough go,” she said softly, kissing down his neck and sucking on his pulse point, “Why don't you let me help you out, no sex, alright? That way you can stay celibate,” she kissed his jaw and lightly nipped at it.

His body began to stir to life the more she kissed along his neck, and he found his hands go to her hips.

“Oh no, that’s okay, you don’t have to do--”

“No one's forcing me darlin’” she purred and kissed him again, taking his trousers and unbuttoning them, sliding a hand into his pants and slowly starting to rub him through his boxer briefs. He moaned against her mouth as his organ began to fill with blood. He almost asked her to stop, but he found his body arched against her touch as her hand continued to stimulate him.

His own hands slowly roamed her figure, moving over her backside and pulling her against him. He’d be lying if he’d said he wasn’t enjoying the way she was touching him. Once he was fully hard, she took his cock out, licking her palm and wrapping it around his cock as she started to slowly jerk him while they kissed.

“Oh God,” he moaned with a shudder. Kissing her again, he sighed against her mouth. “Are you sure we...won’t get in trouble?” he whispered.

“Legally there's no rules or laws against it, it's frowned upon, but no laws.” She smirked as she kept jerking him, kissing him hard as they let their tongues mingle together.

Actually, he could name about four laws they were breaking in this moment, but his brain couldn't seem to function enough for him to voice them. Whimpering softly against her mouth, he let his head lean back against the wall behind him, moaning as she added a twist with every downstroke.

“Would you like me to…” He moved one hand towards the waistband of her skirt, silently asking if she wanted him to use his hand on her, too.

She blushed, nodding as she stroked him faster, kissing down his neck and licking his skin. He moaned, carefully unzipping her skirt and reaching to slide his hand down the front and stroke her over her panties. He sighed when he felt her arousal through the thin material and moved the lace to the side to let a single digit slide easily between her labia.

Finding her clit, he used some of her fluids to make smooth circles over the bundle of nerves as his nose nuzzled against her ear. He made slow, teasing circles until he could hear her panting in time with the movement of their hands before he let his finger trail to her opening.

“Is this okay?” he asked, pressing the digit against the entrance of her heat.

She nodded, moaning as she stroked him faster, letting her thumb gently run over the head of his cock.

“Oh God,” he moaned, finger sliding inside her tight warmth. “Oh fuck,” he growled beginning to move his hand against her, thrusting his digit in and out of her.

He gave her a few slow, thrusts before he gently added a second finger, allowing her a moment to adjust. From this angle, she was much tighter than she would’ve been had they been lying down, and he waited until she rocked her hips to begin moving again. Flattening his hand, he allowed his palm to rub against her clit as he thrust his fingers.

She gasped, moaning and kissing him hard stroking him harder until she was coming hard against his hand, moaning into his mouth and nipping his bottom lip. He groaned against her mouth, hips rocking into her hand as he continued to stimulate her until she began to come down.

“Oh God...oh God, I’m gonna come,” he warned, trying to hold himself back until she told him what he should do.

She just nodded at him, taking a slight step to the side as she continued to stroke him until he was coming over her hand. He tried to keep his moans as low as he could as he felt stream after stream dribble from the tip of his organ, emptying himself and shuddering as she stroked him through his orgasm.

She leaned in, kissing him once more before wiping her hand and the floor clean. “Nice meeting you, Mr. Barba,” she gave him one more kiss before she exited the bathroom.

He stood there for a moment, trying to comprehend what exactly had just happened. Licking his dry lips, he turned and quickly washed his hands, tucking himself back into his pants. He sighed, rubbing a hand over his face as he made his way quickly back to his seat.

Silently sitting down, he promptly opened another magazine and searched for a long article to read, trying not to let his blush get too obvious.

“You dirty whore,” Izzy grinned at him.

“I don’t--” He cleared his throat. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. All I did was go to the restroom,” he replied.

“Bullshit,” the college kid said from across the way.

Izzy just laughed.

You wrapped your arms around Nevada the second he pulled up, kissing him deeply. He kissed you back, hugging you against him.

“Don’t worry, mami. She’ll be fine,” he said softly, pulling away to cradle your face. “Oye, she’ll be fine. She can handle herself,” he said again. “Come on, let’s talk to Gladys about our cake. I’m thinking un tiburon asi de tamaño,” he said, holding his arms out with a smirk.

You smiled, “I was also thinking a shark,” you smirked back and cuddled him close as the two of you walked in.

“De verdad?” he asked.

“Hola Gladys, Oscar,” you smiled and give them both a kiss on the cheek. Oscar patted your shoulder before moving back towards the office.

“Hola Y/N,” Gladys said before he cradled Nevada’s face and kissed his cheek, pinching the other.

“Mami, por favor,” he groaned softly.

“Ay, mijo, ya. Oye, I’m not going to be around forever,” Gladys replied, narrowing her eyes slightly. “Bueno, let’s sit down.” She sat down in one of the chairs at the table and smiled at you. “Okay, Y/N, dime lo que quieres for your cake,” she said, suddenly looking over at Nevada. “Y tu, ni pienses en los tiburones, me entiendes?” she said, pointing a finger at him before she looked back at you and smiled warmly.

You smiled back but shrugged, “I don't mind, I never dreamed of a white wedding so if he wants a shark cake,” you shrug again.

“Como que ‘shark cake?!’ Mija, this is your day,” Gladys replied. “Que dice tu mama?” she asked.

“Mami want doves,” you roll your eyes. “If he wants a shark cake, he can have his shark cake,” you shrug, “all I want is a baby, and a wedding dress, and I'm satisfied,” you pulled up a chair and grinned nodding to Nevada. “Anything you want for your special day, mi Rei,” you teased.

“Oye, what the hell, Dama?” he asked, furrowing his brows at you. “I was fuckin--”

“Oye, y esa boca?” Gladys scolded. “No te crees que es muy viejo para un pow pow,” she added, arching a brow.

“Lo siento, mami,” he mumbled.

“Okay, entonce what about a four tier cake con pescados, y starfish, y tiburones para mi niño, tan cabezón--”

“I was kidding,” he said again, a little more firmly.

“I actually like that,” you smiled and looked on your phone. “Can I show you a picture of what I was thinking?”

“Si! Of course!”

You show her a white cake with blue decor to look like waves surrounding the cake, around the cake are seahorses and jellyfish. “This, pero...with sharks, yeah?”

“Aye, que lindo! Okay, and Nevada said the wedding is in two and half weeks, right?” she asked, taking out a planner.

You smiled at her and watched her softly as she started planning things out.

Omar and Amber pulled up to the airport, and he parked the car, getting out and taking her bags out of the trunk. He put his arm over her shoulders and walked slowly with her into the building. He waited for her to check in her bags and held her hand as they walked towards her terminal. She still had a thirty minute wait before her plane would start boarding, and he sat beside her.

“You’re gonna be fine,” he said softly, looking over at her and smiling softly.

“Yeah,” she whispered in agreement, pressing her lips to his and looking around and the other soldiers in uniform. She was catching a flight out with them.

“I'm gonna miss you, every moment,” she whispered against his lips.

“I’m gonna miss you, too,” he answered, letting his forehead rest against hers. “So hurry back,” he added with a smirk.

She nodded and took a few deep breaths, “You told me that we should wait to marry, because we didn't know each other yet. But I know you Omar, and I love you, every part of you and there are some pretty shitty parts,” she whispered teasingly. “So give me something to come back to,” she said softly. “Say you'll marry me…”

“I would think you already have something to come back to,” he replied. “Stop acting like you’re not coming back,” he added, cradling her face and looking right at her.

“I know,” she took a deep breath and sighed, dropping the question and just savoring the moments together.

“Hey...” He brought her face up to his. “I love you...and I’ll be here waiting for you to get back,” he said softly.

She nodded as the boarding sign lit up.

“Okay, time to go,” she whispered and kissed his cheek before grabbing her bags and standing up. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” he said kissing her one more time and hugging her tightly. “Come back, me entiendes?”

She nodded before turning and heading towards the plane, she knew if she looked back, she'd cry, so she didn't.

“Oye, vamos mi amor. We gotta go pick up la princesa from day care. It’s their half day today,” Nevada said after you’d said your goodbyes to Gladys.

You smile and follow him, nodding to the car. “Papi, leave the bike and drive with me, play with Lily and I.”

You hop into the car humming softly as you smile at him. He groaned playfully, rolling his eyes and getting into the SUV. You drove the two of you to Lily’s daycare, and Nevada got off, moving inside.

“Oh hey, Mr. Ramirez!” Hailey, one of the teachers said cheerfully.

“Hola Hailey, where’s my princesa? Bathroom? She finally going by herself?” he asked with a proud grin.

Hailey looked back at him with furrowed brows, shaking her head softly.

“Your wife picked her up about an hour ago,” she replied.

“What? My wife’s out in the car,” he replied.

“What? The brunette? Wavy, long brown hair? Brown eyes?”

“My wife cut her hair a few weeks ago,” he replied. “She’s been picking up Lily every day, you didn’t--”

“I’m so sorry, Mr. Ramirez, I...I just got back from my vacation yesterday, I haven’t been here--”

“You gotta be fucking kidding me,” he growled. “Tell me that works,” he said, pointing up to the camera on the ceiling.

Hailey frowned.

“It doesn’t record…”

“Jesus fucking Christ, what the fuck kind of half-assed operation are you little fuckers running here?!” he exclaimed.

“Papi? What's taking so long?” You said, walking into the daycare. “Where's tu princesa?” You look around with a frown. “Lily? Mijita? Mi amor?” You frown at the woman, “Where is my daughter?”

“Look the woman who took her clearly knew Lily, she looked exactly like you! Who comes in and pretends to be someone's mom?” The girl said in a panic.

“Someone took my baby?” You glare, face going hard. “You better start talking puta because if anything happens to mi princesa? You're gonna wish you were just dealing with him.” You point to Nevada and watch the girl look at you in a panic. “Where the fuck is my kid?” You shouted in the girl’s face.

“I don’t know!!” Hailey shouted back through a stream of tears that spilled over her cheeks.

“Oye, mira, you said a woman came to get her right? Long brown hair?” Nevada asked, stepping between you and Hailey.

“Yes, she said she was your wife. She was wearing the exact same ring you have. I remember because I told you how much I loved it the first time you dropped Lily off and I notice it every time you come in,” Hailey replied. “She had big sunglasses on, I couldn’t see most of her face.”

“Okay, so it wasn’t Amber, she’s blonde. It wasn’t your mom, her hair is short…” Nevada offered, trying to narrow down who could possibly have Lily.

“She was wearing my ring.” you mumble softly to yourself, piecing things together, “I know who has her,” you turn hurrying out to the car without another word.

“Chocolate?” Lily asked nicely, pointing to the flavor she wanted, the smiling, waiting for confirmation. “Lily eat?” She asked softly.

“Yeah, sweety! You can have as much ice cream as you want! And then, we’re gonna go to the zoo!” Melody replied, smiling broadly. “Have you ever been to the zoo, princess?” she asked, handing Lily her cup of ice cream.

Lily's eyes lit up excitedly, “zoo!”

“We’re gonna have so much fun!”

[ki6-7-l8r]

Errata.........

Don't recall when I was thrown into the world, does anyone? My first memory was in some kind of mansion where the sun filtered through a round stained glass window. A big man with a messy beard, wisping out like excremental cotton candy from his face stood over me. I saw a couple of fools, my parents looking up at me as I floated into the air. I was levitating, but the big fat Doktor just looked straight ahead, so ends this little wash of recall. I was around three years old in the house. I was at a neighbours house when a toy gun clipped my fingers and the metal took a chunk of skin out. I did not cry. The old neighbours; man and wife, laughed about how tough I was, and then giggled when I began to black out. For some reason I hated these people, I hurled a rock at their car when they were driving to go see a parade, put a big dent in the door. My mom spanked me so hard I saw my feet fly in the air. Sometimes I would walk around the neighbourhood and not remember leaving the house, ringing doorbells and running away. My Mom got tired of this and put me in preschool, sometimes sick, where I would barf until one of the teachers covered it up with sand. There was one teacher who was an evil looking woman with eyes like the demoness Lilith, Adam's first devil-wife. She and another woman gave me a ride home, but I don't remember ever getting home actually, I don't remember where I ended up on that ride. One day I was wandering around the neighborhood again, and I peeked through a mail-slot in a door and I saw a room with velvet red drapes. I saw an altar with an inverted pentagram, with candles which were not lit. The Chalice, The Bell, The Sword, I knew what these were but I had no words for them, I had somehow been in that house but I did not recall ever going there. Weird things happen when your only three, in some ways you are already old. I saw too the vast room filled with hooded figures! A giant Jackal-Headed statue black as night around 200 feet tall, was flanked by braziers wafting clouds of incense. Beneath the vast altar was a huge pit with low burning fires. The small sacrifices were hurled like soccer-balls; soaring through the air into the flaming pit. Pitiful cries and screams of torment were heard. In this way the forgotten ones of the maternity wards were given a manifest destiny. I was scared, but a priest told me that I "need not fear in that my hourglass had red sand." After my parents split up I ended up in a big house, bigger than the one before. I found crucifixes made out of wood and for some reason I liked to turn them upside-down and break them into peace signs, but the sides would not hold and would fall on the ground. I then found my sisters old barbies and scraped the boobs off of them against the wall so they would be flat chested. I was around 8 years old when this happened. When I was nine I developed a craving for wanting to drink human blood. My friends would cut themselves and let me drink their blood. Their parents found out about this and called my folks, and my folks were alarmed by this disturbed behavior. They took me back to the Doktor with the wispy beard that looked like cotton candy made out of shit. The Doktor told my parents that their was nothing wrong with me, just going through a weird phase. This Doktor pretended to talk with a German accent, but I knew he was faking!! He knew that I knew, and gave me a mean look. He had dead eyes. I was a teenager and an occult shop opened up where I lived. It was run by a real fortunate son, he seemed very fortunate which was strange in that the shop was not doing that well. I started doing a lot of acid in those days, and would practice black magick rites in the makeshift temple in the back. Once I did a ceremony to summon the 7 Crown Princes of Hell. Only Belial showed up, he materialized in the incense outside of the magic circle. He gave me two visions: The first one was of a witch cackling and stirring a giant cauldron, on a very dark night. The second was of a naked man taking in a giant beam of celestial fire; drinking it into his face, with his arms outstretched and his legs parted in a standing embrace. I still don't know what this signified. At the occult shop one day I also met a company man. I was 26 and it was a very bad year. Too much debauchery had caught up with me, as well as other things. I spent some time in nuthouse, but a nice shrink helped me recover. He gave me Dilantin and Centrax at the same time, it kept me in a mellow mood. After I got outta stir I moved in with a very weird madlady who indeed was legion. She was a lot of people in one person, and I did not like any of them and they did not like me. Except for two exceptions: I liked the little kid that came out as her sometimes, and the old medicine woman. The little girl told me all about the company, and how they like to turn one person into a whole bunch of people; and tell them to do things with the same body. Its a hobby of theirs, a game, maybe even a joke, but its a killing joke. I thought the story she told me was about as daft as a flying doughnut. After awhile I believed it but she was such a bitch I could not stand her and moved out. I did not care about all the spy stories, or politics at all. I was an occultist! She said she knew more about the Occult than I did. She was lying. The last thing she said was this: "Your just like all the bad people, because you think that life is meaningless!" Whatever. I was 31, and I met up again with the fortunate son in VEGAZ; another cult scene, but not too hairy. He was a big dip-waffle who tried to use me and did. But he needed me, as he was in the market for a MAGUZ. No modesty is not one of my traits. I cannot afford to let it be, due to the fact that I am a collossal failure. I learned to put myself in really great trance states and bring down demons into my body. I could still maintain control though, and could kick them out at any time. We called down voodoo loa, devils and demons as cute as the conqueror worm. We hurled astral shit through the vortex; flinging it at the enemies of the fortunate son. One of his enemies succumbed to the sorcery; a woman had an asthma attack and died. The enemy coven thought that our magick did this, and the girl's mother called the fortunate one and cursed him on the phone. The fortunate one got freaked out and sent flowers to her funeral, thus denying that he cursed her and denying the devils that slew a-one in his name. Like Peter denying the Savior the curse rebounded on Fortuno's head and his life turned into shit. I got sick of him using me, so I cursed him as well. I would drink bottles of rum and evoke the Petro Loa and dance around the altar, flinging hateful laughter and raging curses upon his worthless ass. It seemed to make things worse for him which delighted me. At this time too I met this guy who was a big fat liar who said his uncle invented Ritz crackers. He said he was related to a big-band leader with a big beat. He told me that he was levitated high up over the ocean and floated into a cave on a summit of the Na Pali Coast in Kwaii. When he got floated into the cave he met a Kahuna Shaman who instructed him in the delicacies of Sumerian Sorcery. This guy's mind was as fried-out as a toasted jaybird in a torched forest. And damn it, he made friends with another one of those people who was a bunch of people in one body! A girl who was a martial arts and weapons expert, on top of everything else! She knew about the fat liar's uncle and his big beat band: "Booker M.K. & The Ultras." One day she was flipping out and Fatso panicked and brought me down there. I told her that a mandala was one image, yet it had many facets, many in one, and one in many was still one. Finally she mellowed out. I was really scared, because she had a black belt in Karate and was a weapons expert, I on the other hand was a wuss who had only shot a B.B. gun at age 12. She was real nice to me and said that she would protect me from enemies, but Fatso got between us and kept her away. At that time I was just getting through day by day, and did not care. Although I did once bring down spirits that came through my body and cracked the inside of a crystal that I held in my hands. So goes it. Amused and bemused; this story is a tragedy in a laugh, and a laugh with a crying face. I found out later that Doktor Shit-Beard ate some Uranium 235 and bought the farm; ded of cancer. That's the funny part, so you can laugh now!! But you know, when the Romans sacked Jerusalem and routed the Second Temple in Palestine, they killed a lot of Hebrews and impaled babies on their swords. But the thing is, is that this has never stopped. There are many walking wounded amongst you, who are locked in gulags with invisible walls, tormented by translucent tech. hands, mocked by unseen voices. There are mindless masses and complicit Doktors who will just call all this madness. Perhaps this is why I thanked God, when I had that dream about the world being destroyed by nuclear weapons. I got out my last praise indeed; right at the moment where I lost all my atoms.

http://www.my-journal.com/jrn/md__1/jrn__24539/dt__1473750000

Welcome us nearly, inside soft floors of music. Through dope-heads dark recovered, through isles of the twisted.

Within Theatres of Perdition, we will sojourn after, to greet the dancing incubus, admire strange relations.

Unearth the Corpse of Incest Death, so we can have a festival. Weep silent pagan forests, and blaspheme all the saviours.

Let us dance around the Mayfires, and ride the maddened vine, climb secret goddess mountains, and drink the horn’ed wine.

Let’s dig up all the graveyards, reclaim relics of the doomed, assemble laughing, sacred skeletons, build temples to the Moon.

Let us know nocturnal days, lost transparent hours, sleep magic silver waves, encompass nights of flowers.

Let us weep the winsome madness, of those beyond the realms, of Space’s indifferent irony, that Time’s chalice overwhelms.

To pour primeval vision, upon partakers of the strange, who consume the droughts of clarity, the gods have doth deranged.

Let’s speak of the unspeakable, say wild atrocious things, let’s talk of God’s own truth, and the falsehood that it brings.

A Creator that’s a Liar? The Whole that is a sham? We’ll leave the dead to sleeping, the living remain Damned!