#mlawpara

[charlie-bee]

Domino Effect [selfie]

Tagging: Charlie Brewington with mentions of @trixie-windsor

Trigger Warnings: Alcoholism, Depression. 

“Charlotte!” Elliot laughed, coughing when he felt a piece of rice going down the wrong pipe. “Oh boy! You were somewhere else there weren’t you?” The older man, now cleanly shaven and with a smile that could light up any room put his food to the side and held out his hand for Charlie. “Dance with me, Charlotte. Come on, girl. Let’s go.”

Lord Huron’s The Night We Met played in the background. Charlie had brought Elliot an Easter basket and some food. It seemed appropriate to spend the day with him. “I really don’t know if I should…” She whispered but he insisted, taking her hand and pulling her upwards.

Charlie rose from her spot and laughed softly when the others encouraged her to slow dance with the man. She placed her hand in his and looked up at him with a softened expression. “You have very nice eyes, Elliot.”

“Well, thank you.” he grinned and spun her gingerly. “I’ve gotta thank you somehow! You just won’t let me!”

“This is thanks enough.” She stayed close, glad she couldn’t smell an ounce of alcohol on his breath. “Is it hard? Staying sober?”

“Oh very much so.” he laughed and shook his head. “None of this is easy, Charlotte. Doable, yes. Easy? Nah! Did you get the car fixed?”

She shook her head in response and laid her head on his shoulder. “No, sir.”

Elliot arched a brow. “Why are you so sad, girl? What’s going on in that head of yours?”

Charlie shrugged and wrapped her arms around his neck like she did once with her dad. If she closed her eyes, she went back to Easter Sundays in the Brewington home. There were egg hunts and food, lots of food. Sometimes, they’d invite friends and family over and they’d play music and sing songs, play board games and dance in the living room. It was a beautiful feeling. She remembered feeling full, like she was a part of something.

“I’ve lost my best friend. And I feel...so...detached?” She wiped her eyes, still keeping her head in place. “I’m supposed to get married in a couple of weeks and I’m not sure if my match pities me or just puts up with me or both...it’s...it’s stupid.” She hated feeling this way. Hated not having control of a situation.

“You know, Charlotte. I look at you and I don’t see someone who’s pitiful. I see someone who’s strong and kind. Can you talk to your best friend?”

“She doesn’t want to see me. She ...well, she hates me.”

“I doubt that’s true.” Elliot pulled away. “Now I know I’m not your papa but I think he would be so proud of you, ya know? For helping me. For being a good person. I don’t think it’s possible to hate someone like you.”

She smiled and looked away. “How do I help someone who doesn’t want the help?”

Elliot took a deep breath and held Charlie’s hands in his, looking down at her with a soft smile. “Make yourself available. Inform yourself. Stay at a distance. Speak to someone too. You’re also going through it.You can’t force them to believe anything is wrong — wrong enough to warrant some major changes in their life. 1) Change is scary and 2) Admitting you have huge innate flaws is scary. People like to think they have a handle on themselves until they really, really don’t. And even then sometimes, they will fight you, kicking and screaming, and still not realize they are in trouble. They’re so used to being on a boat with a hole in the bottom, retaining water, that they don’t even believe in boats without that.” He sighed, knowing this was hard for her to hear. “Maybe at first you do help them, gently making suggestions, then more adamantly pushing them to admit they have a problem. But then they harden. They turn stubborn and think you’re trying to sabotage them or that you’re overreacting or that you don’t care about them, when all you’re doing is caring. I know it’s frustrating. It’s like a terrifying Ferris wheel, where they keep going ’round and ’round, making the same mistakes over and over while you stand on the ground and watch, sucking in breath through your teeth and holding your tongue.” He bit his lip. “But you gotta let them figure it out. Like my family did with me. She doesn’t hate you. And you’ll both find your way again...you’re not going to lose her entirely. At least I feel it in my heart.”

Charlie took a deep breath and kept quiet, nodding in response. “Okay.”

“Okay…” Elliot looked over to the spread on the table. “Now come on. These pies won’t eat themselves.”

She smiled and let go of his hands, watching him partake with the others in the center, sitting back down in the corner and moving the dominoes on the table around. She shifted one back and forth, tapping her fingertips on the hardwood, waiting for time to pass until it was time for her to leave and time to get back on the road. All she could picture was a red Ferris Wheel and it wouldn’t stop spinning. She sucked in her breath through her teeth and held her tongue, eyes glued to the domino.

[trixie-windsor]

Step One || Self-Para

Setting: Trixie Apartment, 2:17 PM, April 13th, 2018 Triggers: Alcoholism and Alcohol Detox Note: It jumps around and isn’t very coherent at times, but that was done on purpose since that’s pretty typical for a detox mindset. Mentions: @ari0estrada and @charlie-bee Cut for Length (1078 words) and Triggers

Trixie didn't want to get up.

Really, she didn't want to do anything as she laid on the bed, wishing that she could just fall asleep. She hadn't slept very much since she had gotten there. Or to be exact, she hadn't done much of anything. Except cry, and sweat, and shake, and think over and over that this had been a horrible idea.

Even though it wasn't.

It had been three days since she had the detox nurse move in. Three days that she had been sober. And three days that she really wished that she could have a drink and just make all of this stop. Plus it would probably make Savannah stop lecturing about hydration while shoving water and Powerade at her all day. Which as she heard the nurse start her way up the stairs again, Trixie really wished that she was up for throwing a pillow at her.

"Come on, drink this cup and I won't bother you for another hour, alright?" Savannah coaxed, which only made the woman roll her eyes before grabbing the cup and starting to sip it. It was at least better than having to listen to the lecture that she was pretty sure that she could quote by heart now.  "You know I was thinking that now that you're starting to do better that you could invite..."

"No," Trixie immediately interrupted, "I don't want anyone else here for this."

There had been a number of reasons that Trixie had chosen this program. The fact that it wouldn't get out to the press because she wouldn't be checking in anywhere. The fact that they seemed to be very consistent in making sure that she'd be okay. The fact that she would still be able to see Lady every day. But most of all that they had a very strict privacy clause and she could be sure that nobody would find out what was going on. Not until she was ready. And Trixie wasn't yet. She didn't want the pity, she didn't want the looks, she didn't want people to start assuming her issues. And even though she knew that her friends would try to be supportive, Trixie wasn't sure that she wanted to hear it yet. She didn't know if their support would help, she didn't know if she wanted to constantly talk about it yet.

It was still new to her.

Trixie had been denying that she had a problem for months. Even though it had probably been years that she'd just been avoiding thinking about it. Figuring that she had enough control, that she finally was able to be herself that she could do whatever she wanted. And it just became something entirely different. And she'd pushed Charlie away when she tried to help, even though Trixie still stood by her feeling that her friend (or maybe ex-friend the woman didn't really even know where they stood anymore) really hadn't gone the right way in helping her out. Talking to Ari had helped it all click but even then she still wanted to deny it. Which had led to the experiment: try to go a week without drinking, which she quickly narrowed down to three days, which she then narrowed down to one day and even then Trixie failed.

Multiple times.

And that was finally what convinced her that there actually was a problem. Finally had convinced her to get help. And that led her to laying out on the bed while Savannah watched TV and clearly got the better end of this deal. For a moment, Trixie almost debated letting someone else know what was going on, have them come over and help, but again shot that down for the millionth time in her head. This was her problem, she was the one that had to deal with it. Nobody else had to know.

Nobody else needed to know.

Nobody else could accidentally reveal it if they had no idea what was going on. That thought hadn't even dawned on her until now, maybe just because the withdrawal symptoms weren't as bad as they had been the day before. But the idea that she couldn't trust anyone with this part of her life was nothing new, Trixie was used to it. And maybe that was another part of the problem, but it wasn't something that she really wanted to focus on now. Maybe she could bury that and not think about it, though Trixie had a feeling that wasn't the case either. Everything was starting to jumble up in her mind again as she finished her cup of Powerade and put it on her dresser as she curled back up on her bed again.

Lady was asleep on the other side of the bed as usual as Trixie sighed. She hated feeling alone. She hated feeling sick. She hated feeling like once again she was going to be a disappointment once people found out. She'd felt that way about her sexuality for so long, that even though it was out there, she knew how much of a disappointment it was to some people. Not to mention the fact that her abdicating had left a rift in the royal family as they tried to work everything out. And while they had the two weddings and a baby that were all happening soon, Trixie knew that was as much positive PR as they could shove out as they were working out everything behind the scenes. Figuring out a gameplan to make sure that she didn't ruin everything.

And that if this got out, it'd make things even worse. Which was the last thing that Trixie wanted to do.

Forcing the sleepy dog to cuddle her, Trixie wished again that she was just a normal person. That she didn't have to worry about all of this. That she didn't have to worry about how all of her problems would be perceived. That she didn't have to worry about how her actions would reflect on a family that didn't even truly accept her anymore. And with a yawn, she finally started to doze off.  She knew that sleep wasn't going to law very long, but it at least would be a relief from how confusing her mind could be. Slowly as she dozed off, Trixie tried to tell herself that everything would eventually be okay.

And wondered if there would ever be a day that she actually believed those words.

[mlawleviprice]

We Want You || Solo Para

Tagging: CMC Hare Thompson & Levi Price Location: Suspenders bar & restaurant Time Frame: Afternoon, Feb. 20, 2018 General Notes: Levi meets with an an old superior and friend who has unexpected news. Mentions of depression, death and a gun.

Levi sat down inside of a basement bar, Suspenders, getting the small talk out of the way with his former superior. Command Master Chief Hare Thompson contacted him just yesterday about meeting up after his on-campus class let out. It had been some time since they spoke, particularly after his discharge but the loose communication never made Levi lose respect for the man. Hare was just that sort of a person who exuded that sort of regard. Levi shared that he was married now and that he and his wife were expecting a baby at the end of March. He also touched on his enrollment in community college and glossed over how The Admiral was doing when asked. Hare, in turn, shared that he was training some new recruits out in Coronado, California, but he was in town for a few meetings.

Neither of them had taken very long ordering their food in between their minor chatter, and both of them were rather swift in consuming it - likely a conditioning, rather than coincidence. After the check was paid, the two men did take their time, drinking down what remained of their respective beverage refills. Levi couldn’t help feeling that there was something more that Hare wanted, besides treating him to lunch and small talk after all of these years. ‘What’, exactly, was making Levi a little anxious, forming in his mind with slight irritability. Underneath the table, he rubbed at his thigh, just above his knee with his free hand and opened his mouth to ask what was going on, but Hare seemed to pick up on his restlessness and spoke up first.

“Look, I don’t wanna drag this out anymore, Price. I can’t give you all the details seeing as you’re technically a civilian right now, but that could change. And soon.” The older of the two men continued sitting up straight as a board, dark eyes fixed seriously on Levi. Amidst the unimportant buzz occurring around them, his voice was low but very clear to Levi when he said, “I want you to re-enlist. Get you back in the SEALS and on the Team.”

Levi froze. Did he hear Command Master Chief Thompson correctly? He was wanted back. He i>could go back. This wasn’t one of his old dreams paying him a cruel visit again? His head was reeling but outwardly he bore his more typical, stoic expression, even as he started to ask, “But I thought I was ineligible after…?”

“That’s not what your discharge documents indicated, or don’t you have a copy of those? When I looked, it said you would need a waiver. Personally, I think waiving your return to service is long overdue but you’re not automatically ineligible, Price.”

Levi did have a copy of the papers, but they were stored away, along with just about everything else physical that he had from the military - his uniforms, paperwork, photos from overseas, old letters from his family and a couple friends, as well as a handgun he owned and had locked away. His dogtag from the Navy was the only thing he ever seemed to keep on him but it was always tucked away under whatever shirt he had on. He hadn’t said so out loud but Levi had never looked over his discharge papers in great detail before. Honorable a status as it was, and as uncharacteristic as it was for him not to look everything over, he had been too angered, depressed, and otherwise distracted to see a possibility in returning to the military, thus leading to a rather stagnant life for the next three-plus years. Now hearing that he could have actively worked towards a return to service years ago, he felt a bit foolish and could feel his face warming slightly from it. The physical reaction was easy enough to ignore, however, especially when Hare spoke on.

“You don’t have to give an answer right this second. We’re still putting the best plans in place for this assignment and you’ll have to pass a physical and psych exam. I see you’ve got a service dog there.”

Levi automatically glanced down at Winnie, who was lying at his feet in her boots and service vest, bored and unaware of the conversation taking place over her.

“Yeah--yes, sir. Doesn’t much look it, but she’s still a pup.”

”Did you ever have a service dog before?”

Levi shook his head, “No, sir.”

“I know what having a service dog usually means for vets. You having one for whatever your reason is your business right now. But we’d like to see Deadshot back on the team. I heard once upon a time that you wanted that too. The incident before might not have let you at the time, but times have changed. You look like you’re still taking care of yourself and if I had to bet, you’re still one helluva marksman. If coming back is what you still want, now’s your chance to prove it.”

Hearing his old nickname made a once dormant sensation pulse throughout Levi’s body. It compelled him to give his answer right then and there but the more prominent and rational side of him only gave his old superior a firm nod.

“Yes, sir. I’ll give it some thought ‘n let you know.”

“All right, Price. Just don’t take too long. We’re planning to deploy this summer, so take the exams to see if you’ve got the fitness and get back to me within a month. That should give you more than enough time to get back into the swing of things before the summer.”

Almost out of habit, when his superior stood, so did Levi. He even fell into a slightly less stiff attention stance, his hands forming loose fists at the seams of his jeans, but he snapped out of it when Hare extended a hand to shake before leaving Levi to his thoughts.It wasn’t long after, however, that Levi also left the restaurant, needing some assistance from the wintry air outside to further confirm that this was no dream. That he and Hare had spoke and he was now faced with a decision to make. His mind felt like a clock and with each second ticking by, it would cycle through a new thought of someone or something that further resisted his giving an answer to Hare right then and there. Alex and their daughter were often one, but sometimes two separate thoughts. He loved Alex, and even though she knew he had once been in the military, he never told her before about his wanting to go back. Confiding this or not, they were having a baby - a baby who was getting closer and closer to arriving with each passing day. If he re-enlisted, he would be gone for at least some time during the summer. What would that mean for their newborn, and for Alex?

His sisters and Mee-Maw were another ticking second.

His friends in and out of the military ticked in his mind. Friends who once served as he did, and friends who are still serving for the U.S. military now came to mind. Friends who were on his former SEAL Team who didn’t make it back home alive crossed his thoughts as well, but it was the ones still around who were more prevalent for the time being. Whether they knew of his military background and to what extent, or if they knew nothing at all, his re-enlisting was bound to bring up a variety of reactions and conversations and Levi didn’t yet know if he was prepared for all of them.

School was going well for him. Even if he didn’t have a clear path as to whether it would take him, it was something that he could take the time to discover. Wasn’t that good for him right now? Taking the time now, to discover and possibly re-discover his interests and what could give him a little more to make his life feel more worthwhile had become slowly but increasingly important to him. He would have to leave school alone after only four classes. Sure, the chance to go back yet again could be there in the future but his drive and interest might not be.

Post-service life, and the question he was currently trying to answer himself would still be waiting for him down the road. Whether he was to leave the military by choice or not, there was nothing to say that he wouldn’t end up right back where he currently was, trying to figure out something to do with his life, and wanting to still be a good provider to those whom he loved most. And he wasn’t arrogant or naive enough to ignore the possibility that he might not return at all this time. He had lost enough friends in the past to know better. Even without an official loss of life, there was also his father, who would never, ever be the same again for what remained of his own life.

And of course there was the matter of his physical and mental health. Even if Levi didn’t talk about it, he knew he was a broken man. But it wasn’t that incident 3+ years ago that made him broken--it only added to what was already there. Would it really disqualify him from doing what he had wanted? The thing he was sure of himself doing, and for himself? Was he forever going to let himself be defined by his capabilities going forward in his life, just because he wasn’t whole, whatever that meant? Was the depression not already in him prior to everything that took place the night he lost his leg?

Was it wrong of him to still be wanting this? To know the potential consequences, to weigh the “cons”, and consider the sacrifices, and yet, to still have exactly what he wanted for so long to be practically within his grasp now? Levi didn’t have these answers. In fact it just seemed like as he walked closer and closer to his and Alex’s home, that more questions and anticipated concerns from others were sprouting up in his mind like a patch of weeds. And still, the want was there, combating them like a weed whacker, no matter how much the very valid questions and concerns popped back up. Hare had given him roughly a month to take the exams and make up his mind, but Levi couldn’t see himself enduring all of this for that long.

Prior to reaching the apartment complex, Levi came to the bus stop roughly a block away. He stood with Winnie, waiting and when the bus arrived, he stepped on it and showed his pass for the fare. Finding a vacant seat, Levi stared at nothing in particular with his mind set on his destination. There was a U.S. Navy Recruiting Station in Midtown, and his military ID was secured inside his wallet. He would make the exam appointments today.

[angelreports]

Revamp

Hey there! So I have to revamp the bb a bit. Check out some details below the cut! 

Things that remain the same

Angel still works for the Daily News on the gossip column and as an anonymous writer for an internet magazine.

They haven’t given the law much thought since they just graduated college two summers ago. 

They have pretty big five year plan including writing for Time Magazine and/or The New York Times. 

Still idolizes their brother, Surge. 

All their connections remain the same including their past romantic history with Trixie.

Still graduated college (NYU) early at 20 and interned at Vogue the summer after graduation.

Things that have changed

I’ve upped the time they have been with the paper to a little over a year. 

They moved from their parents home about a month ago to Levi and Alex’s building. (yay!) 

^^^ That didn’t go over well with their parents and they’ve been afraid to go home to visit because papa Rodriguez isn’t so happy with them. 

[jared-smokes-blog]

Start Me Up || Jared & Keely

Jared never turned down any opportunity to practice his craft. He smoked a little white widow before hauling himself from Queens to Brooklyn in his reliable little pickup. Parking around the corner from the address she - Keely - had given him, Jared grabbed his tool bag and made his way to her place.

When he reached her door, Jared tucked the heavy bag under one arm and rang the bell with the other. He waited, taking in the sights and sounds of the city under the mellow influence of weed. Whatever her car’s issues were, they probably wouldn’t be solved today, but judging by his mood, Jared thought he was ready to tackle them.

As she answered the door, Jared stepped forward, throwing himself into semi-professional mode as he smiled at her.

“You Keely? I’m Jared. Here to help with your car?”

[alex-temple]

Focus on the Negative || Self-Para

Setting: December 15th, 11:30 PM Triggers: Anxiety Title Song Cut for Triggers and Length: 1005 words

Alex did not like the nagging feeling in the back of her head that maybe Dorothy was right. She felt like she had the flu, she had the same symptoms as the flu, and she hadn't had a chance to rest or get better so she wasn't over the flu. It made perfect sense that she wasn't pregnant.

So the fact that she had to take a test to prove it was not actually what was going on wasn't very reassuring.

Especially as she thought back to when this even would have happened, and while Veteran's Day seemed to have a huge neon sign blinking over it, that just meant that she definitely had been doing just about everything wrong and she didn't want to even think about that. Not that she necessarily knew that because she had purposefully looked at nothing about it because she wasn't ready to be pregnant yet, but she had a feeling. One that she'd somehow already messed up this hypothetical baby that probably didn't exist.

That she really hoped didn't exist.

She already had to go back to the studio to drop a couple of things off after the Nutcracker, and then just stopped by the store that was on the block just to grab one. Just to make sure that she was right and she was just sick. She already felt like her thought process was spiraling out of control, which only made her need for control greater. She didn't mean to read the boxes of every brand of pregnancy tests out there, but she wanted to make sure that she chose the one that was the most accurate. The one that was going to be most likely to give her the most accurate result that she really wasn't really sure that she wanted to know. But by the time that she was leaving the store and going to the studio she already felt like her lungs were on fire and that she couldn't breathe.

Walking up to her old apartment, it made her realize how much her life had changed since she first got her letter, and how much more it would change if Dorothy somehow was right. She'd sold some of her original furniture since she hadn't needed it since she had moved in with Levi, so it was strangely empty despite her turning it into a sort of half office, half costume room, with a good pair of 50 shoes there that she had never managed to get to the loft. For good reason because she could already sense the look that would be on Levi's face if he saw them. Especially with her asking for more for Christmas.

Alex's stomach turned over as she went and got a cup of water and read the instructions on the box for what felt like the millionth time.  It was pretty straightforward, but as she chugged the glass of water, despite already having to go to the bathroom, she still thought through everything again. Sure, she had her doubts about the flu but she still wasn't sold on the pregnancy idea either, figuring that there might be a shot that maybe there really was another thing that it could be. Against her better judgement she decided to open up Web MD and check and see what horrible things came up, only for the only possible thing that it could think of it being was a tension headache and that clearly wasn't right either. Sighing at the fact that she really wasn't getting any other possibilities she opened the box and went into the bathroom and took the test, leaving it on sink afterwards to wait as she went back out, knowing that if she stayed in there that she'd just keep staring at it until it said something and that was going to feel like it was taking forever.

So instead she walked out and tried to find something to distract herself, which really didn't go well. Alex tried to think about if it would really be a bad thing if she actually was pregnant, though her mind kept saying yes that it was. Even if she had plenty of people tell her that she'd be great, or that since she worked with kids she had nothing to worry about, but that didn't mean that she was ready. She liked that the longest that she ever had to deal with anyone's kid was two hours at the most out of the week and then she could give them back. And she really liked coming home and not having to deal with them. And she was only 23 and she really didn't feel like she was old enough or had enough life experience to be a mom yet. And while the law really gave her a deadline on when she would have to be ready, it was still months away. And she wanted to be able to plan, and talk it out, and go into it all prepared instead of having it be a surprise. Some surprises were fun, like when Levi surprised her and took her to the Christmas lights, and others were terrifying. Like this would be if she actually was instead of the flu.

Her phone alarm went off and jolted her out of her thoughts as she slowly made her way back to the bathroom. She was hoping, praying, willing the universe to show her that she wasn't pregnant and maybe she had some sort of disease or sickness or a really bad case of the flu and that Dorothy wasn't on to something. Especially since in her gut she really thought that Dorothy might be right. And that idea was even more terrifying than having to go through all of this. Sighing as she went into the bathroom she picked it up and closed her eyes letting out a deep breath before she let herself look at the display to see the results, biting her lip as she read the one word:

Pregnant.

[dariusrufus-blog]

Goodbyes

Setting: The Johnson Estate; Nine years ago today, late evening.  Triggers: Mentions of police brutality Cut for Length: 1140 Note: Mentions of @isaamghazani; A para taking place nine years ago today after Darius and Sam got arrested. If you didn’t read the para, Darius and Sam were accused of hurting a fellow student named Benjamin when it was in fact the fault of someone else in their biker gang. Sam and Darius were arrested, bail was posted by Sam’s mother and eventually their records were sealed as plea bargains in exchange for community service. They never got to clear their names. 

He had spent the night at Riker’s along with Sam. The bail was posted late and Darius was cold. He imagined this moment plenty of times before in his head. The last 48 hours had felt longer in his mind and all he wanted was a warm bed. Sam got his, even asked Darius to come with him but he knew he had his own demons to face. The key turned in the door of the large home in Westbury and Darius was met at the door with one of the nannies. “Sima, thank you.” He whispered, removing his cap and handing her his sweater along with it.

“Your mothers did not meet you at the train station?” Why would she ask that? Of course they didn’t. Why would they.

“No. It’s okay. How’s Evie?” He looked up the winding stairs.

“Ms. Evelyn is fast asleep. She made you a ‘welcome home’ sign and I hung it up in your bedroom.”

“And where is mother?”

“Ms. Cynthia is stuck in the hospital.”

“And Sheri?”

“Your mother is in the den.”  

Darius kissed Sima’s temple before making his way inside his home. He reeked of prison. Hated it. Hated the way he was handled by those cops and the fact that he couldn’t do anything but watch them do the same to Sam. He hated knowing Benjamin was in the hospital. Hated that Sam’s mom had to bail him out.

He stood in the doorway of Sheri’s den and knocked on the side.

“Come in.” She didn’t even bother to look up from her computer. “nice of you to show up.”

“Oh see…I would have been on time for dinner last night had someone posted bail.” He countered with a slight sneer his mom would make him pay for later.

“Darius, what in the hell were you thinking?”

“Sheri, do not start!” He held up his finger. “You left me there to rot and if Ami hadn’t posted bail, Sam and I would have been there longer.”

“It’s about time you and Sam and your delinquent friends got some sort of punishment.” She removed her glasses and looks up at her son. “How does it feel?”

“You’re paying Sam’s mom back. And you’ll pay for his bail too. We can afford it.”

“We? Oh no. No, no. there is no ‘we’ here. Cynthia and I can afford it. You can barely afford a bag of chips.” Sheri took a deep breath. If Cynthia were here, she’d finish this differently.

“Do you know they took my Ipod? My coat? I had to trek it to Westbury wearing nothing but the clothes I had on the day of the arrest.”

“Who told you to get arrested, Darius?” She asked her son genuinely. “You have everything you want here and you throw it away. You haven’t been home in weeks! But your mother is good to bail you out?!”

“Yes! Yes mother! That’s what mothers do! Along with other things that you seem to forget.”

“Oh Darius, you misguided child.”

“Don’t patronize me, mother!” Darius plopped down on the couch, his back now turned to Sheri. “You think I’m guilty.”

A pause. And to Darius it felt eternal.

“You do the crime, you do the time. We come from a long lineage of doctors and lawyers, Darius. We can’t have this kind of reputation just spewed around the office! I’m going to be chief for God sakes! Your mother wants to be associate Professor! You can go to Columbia for free! Does any of that mean anything to you or are you that selfish?”

He stared at the floor, his chest rising with every breath he took and as much as he tried to stop it, his tears fell and his eyes burned from the lack of sleep. “Do you know that if we go to trial and they don’t seal our records, we can go to prison for a long time?” He wiped his eyes. “Did you? Did you also know that those cops slammed my head against the hood of their car!? Huh!?” His voice escalated. “Did you know that I didn’t do anything to Benjamin!? Sam and I tried to stop it! You didn’t know because you were too busy being all high and mighty and throwing your own GODDAMN SON under a bus!”

“DARIUS!”

“NO!” He stood up and faced his mother. “I will NOT Stick around for this. You will drive me into the ground if you could. Don’t come to my trial. Don’t come to my aid. I don’t want your money. I don’t want anything from you.”

And with that he made his way out and towards the stairs, running up them and stopping when he saw Evelyn. “Hey! D! I made you a banner!”

“Oh…Evie…” He hadn’t seen her in weeks. Before the arrest, Darius was living with Sam after all. He crouched down, tears still in his eyes. “I’m gonna be away a bit longer now.”

“But Sima said…”

“I know…” He whispered. “I have to go. I have to take care of a lot of things. But look. I’m still going to take care of you, okay? I’m still going to be there for you. Call me. Everyday. Every single day, Evie. Okay? And we’ll talk about everything. I promise.”

“How will you do that if I disconnect your phone?” Sheri called from the bottom of the steps.

“I’ll get a job.” He answered before entering his room to grab more of his things. He noticed the banner and the sharp pain he felt in his chest was enough to make him cry even more. After gathering more clothes, he shouldered the strap of his gym bag and exited his room, Evie stood there sobbing.

“You can’t go, D! Mama and mother don’t help me like you do.”

“Evelyn…please go back to your room.” Sheri pleaded with her child but the eight year old wouldn’t budge, wrapping herself around her brother, hanging on as tight as she could.

“Take me with you, Darius. Please! I can work too. I can sell my drawings.”

Darius shook his head and looked down at Evelyn. “Evie…I promise I’ll come back. I promise.  I have to go now.”

His little sister let go reluctantly and Darius made his way down the stairs, Sheri glaring at her son. “You walk out that door, Darius Rufus and you can forget about coming back.”

He stared at his mother for a good while almost as if he wanted to remember this moment and then walked past her, slamming the front door as he left his parent’s home. He’d figure out. He always did. And with that, he walked for miles to the nearest payphone and called the only person that could help him.

“Hey Sam…can I talk to your mom please?”

[runoncallie-blog]

‘Stupid’

Setting: Afternoon of December 7th, 2017, NYC Community College

Triggers: panic attacks, anxiety

Cut for Length: 1047

Note: mentions of @mlawleviprice @alex-temple @beautyguru-audreyz

The deadline that Levi had reminded him of the last time they had talked had been absolutely haunting Calamus. It was coming up fast; no, it was absolutely hurtling towards him. He kept worrying about how busy he was, between holiday hours and Nutcracker rehearsals and dog walking and that modeling thing that may or may not actually be happening, but maybe he was just making excuses. Maybe he was just putting it off. What if Alex was right?

He couldn’t cancel on his rehearsal time with Alex, so he took one shift off at the cafe. It meant a slightly smaller paycheck, but… But, it was worth it, right? He’d be fine. I mean, heating bills were about to go way up, and he had to pay for that microwave still… But he was working a lot since Thanksgiving! And rent wasn’t until the end of the month. He’d totally be fine. It was fine. No big deal. He was good at budgeting! He didn’t used to be, but he was learning. Rent, heat, electricity, phone bills, and water, and then around fifty bucks for groceries for the month, and a tiny bit left over, taken out of his bi-weekly paycheck that he got from the café, usually about thirty hours a week, plus the scraps that he made from walking dogs, when he wasn’t at Alex’s, plus bus passes—

It was fine. It didn’t matter. He had a little bit of a buffer every month. He could afford one shift off. He just needed to stop stressing the small stuff.

So he just… He just had to take the test. Easy, right? It wasn’t even pass-fail. He couldn’t possibly fail this test. Levi had even said it wasn’t so bad. All was just to see where he was at. It wasn’t a commitment. He was just keeping doors open. Not a big deal, right? He could handle this. He used to take tests all the time when he was in school! And what was the worst that ever happened?

Er. Well. Maybe don’t think about the worst that ever happened.

And so he went through all the steps regardless, though he practically dragged himself along every step of the way. He signed up for one of the open assessment sessions. He studied as much as he could, on his own in his free time, and when he couldn’t get to sleep at night. He took the city bus to get there. He signed into the building and got a visitor’s pass.

And then when the only thing that was left to do was walk into the room and actually take the test… He couldn’t do it. He just. He really couldn’t. He kept willing his hands and his feet to move forward, to just grab the handle, to turn it, to walk inside and talk to someone, and no part of his body would listen. His chest felt tight and his head a tiny bit dizzy and his stomach all knotted up and topsy-turvy. He counted down from ten, promising he would move forward when he got to zero. But that didn’t work, either. He didn’t even know what he was afraid of. The people? He wasn’t afraid of people. He liked meeting people, he liked talking to people, especially inconsequential strangers… And what was he so afraid would happen if he did poorly on the test? There was no reason for this! It didn’t make any sense! It was stupid. This entire thing was stupid. Why was he acting so stupid?!

But his body wasn’t listening to him. Several times, he even reached forward and touched the door handle, peering quietly inside of the room through the tiny little window in the door, but every time he flinched away at the last second; hesitating, worrying, anxious. There was just this sharp voice in his head, heavy and hot, over and over. You can’t do this. What made you think you could handle something like this? You couldn’t do this before. How can you possibly handle it now? Do you want to lose everything? Do you want to make a total idiot out of yourself? He was going to do horribly. He just knew it. And everyone would find out. Everyone else in the room would look and watch him struggle, and the teacher would have to grade his test and think about what a fucking moron he must be, and Levi would find out, and Alex would find out, and Audrey would find out, and they’d all realize how goddamn useless he was and they’d be so disappointed with him…

He stood there for almost a full five minutes before someone else approached the door, which Calamus was standing right in front of, perfectly in the way. Wearing a polite smile, a young woman casually asked if he was taking the assessment test, too? Jerked from his temporary trance, Calamus jumped about five feet, whipping around and mumbling out a hasty ‘no’ before running off, immediately trying to put as much distance between himself and that person as possible, his face burning bright red. He must have looked so pathetic. They probably thought he was a moron. They probably hated him for being in the way. He couldn’t do this. There was no way.

The air was cold and it burned his lungs a tiny bit when he first got outside, the door banging against the side of the building as he rushed out. He sucked in sharp, shaking breaths, practically hyperventilating, but he didn’t know how to make it slow down or settle. Tears were lining his eyes like lace and his mouth tasted salty and metallic. For a long time, he just paced, his hands shaking as he pulled at his hair, his legs jelly-like beneath him. He eventually found himself unable to walk anymore and plopped down in the nearest bench he could, his breath fast and frantic and his face pink and his heart hammering up in his throat as if it was going to tear its way out through his mouth at any moment. He was pretty sure he was dying. He couldn’t do this, he was dying.

As soon as he was able to find enough clarity to breathe and walk again, he turned tail and went straight back home.

[rileypark]

Ships In The Night Ϟ Self Para

TIME: July 28th to August 6th.

PLACE: NYC

GENERAL NOTES: After the last events in Riley’s life, she gets to spend the week by herself, a great opportunity to think of what’s ahead.

COMMENTS: Riley’s feeling/thoughts are so hard to write because she won’t even share them with me, so this was fun. It wasn’t.

I

The fundraiser extends long past 3am, and it’s such a wide success for Riley that she can’t imagine being able to sleep any time soon due to all the emotions and the adrenaline of the night. She doesn’t see Daina for the rest of the event, even when she catches herself trying to find the woman in the sea of people. She’s never been more thankful to have great, competent assistants reminding her of her itinerary, because she seems to still be in a haze after that kiss. Pathetic, really, she chastises herself mentally. Daina’s probably soundly asleep by the time Riley finishes saying goodnight to all the guests, thanking them for their donations. 

The silence in her bedroom is usually the most welcoming enviroment in her life, the one place she can just be herself, and not this persona she’s crafted so perfectly for her job. But silence this time means her mind is running wild with thoughts she would like to ignore at the moment. She shifts constantly in her sheets, questioning whether to go over Daina’s room and wake her up to discuss everything while emotions are still on the surface, or if she should let her rest considering her early trip in the morning. Her rational side, as usual, beats what her heart desires, but the punishment for it is not being able to sleep until 5am, plagued by unwanted thoughts and haunted by blue eyes.

II

What would Daina and her together would even look like? she ponders over her brunch on Saturday. Her wife was already gone by the time she woke up, and for once, she’s relieved by the fact that she has a moment to herself, just like old times. Her and Daina together would mean nothing but banter, and bad times, she’s sure of it. Now that she’s had a moment to go over everything that occurred between the two, she’s not sure physical attraction is enough to sustain a marriage. That’s all there is at the moment, right? She is mistaking the thrill of the tension between them for something with more depth. She’s more and more certain that, when the time comes for the talk, she’ll be able to stand her ground and decide they’re better off in this awkward semi-friendship state they’re in, instead of risking it all at the chance of a real relationship.

By the time she goes to bed, however, her position has shifted in 180 degrees. Objectively, she’s clearly grown fond of Daina, even if she despises how cliche and predictable the whole situation is. She’s not looking forward to the endless waves of ‘I told you so’ she’ll receive if she chooses to take the opportunity with Daina. She feels her frustration weigh in her throat, a heavy lump, as she usually does when she’s faced with strong emotions and situations she can’t control. When her eyes finally flutter close, all she’s sure of is that she’s been proven once again, that her decision of staying out of serious relationship her whole life was right all along. Everything else is up in the air, including, whether or not she’s ready to venture into something more with the woman she’s married to.

III

On Sunday, she takes Bailey out for what she initially believed to be a quick walk around the block, but turned into an unexpected morning jog. She had never realized just how much energy was contained inside that beast until she was the one being pulled by the leash, ending up miles away from her home. They make it to a small park eventually, and she lets her free to play with the rest of the dogs, keeping the promise she had made Daina to give her some recreational time. As the woman passes through her mind again, she debates whether to call her, or message her, anything after two days of radio silence. What would she even say? she fights back, because she wouldn’t be able to pretend like nothing’s changed between. A nonchalant message would feel anticlimatic when they are due for a long conversation when she’s back. It’s all too much pressure, and Riley’s had trouble relaxing any time she’s reminded of it. She’s thankful for Leila’s husband, Sam, and his timely interruption, joining before she can act on her impulse. They chat for a while then, and it’s nice enough to vanish any thoughts of the blonde from her mind.

IV

The week is easier to survive, as she buries herself in her work, feeling much like herself again, in power, her mind sharp making the most pertinent decisions regarding business, with that critical thinking she can’t seem to translate into her personal life.  

V

Her and Daina just make sense, it’s the thought on Tuesday, and it’s either thought number 7 or 20 regarding this whole situation. She’s sort of losing track already. They’re both intelligent, hardworking, goal oriented, beautiful women. They would be a power couple, in all aspects. She’s attracted to her, without a doubt, and if she were to try and open up just slightly, there’s a chance that things could be good for them. Great even. After all, she’s a risk taker at work, why would her personal life be any different? She can feel the excitement bubbling up, convincing her she should go for it. That all sounds ideal, except when she’s reminded that she’ll have this woman prying into her deepest secrets and feelings, seeing her at her most vulnerable, and suddenly she remembers why she’s so against it in the first place, her heart tightening at the thought, arms moving closer to her chest in a subconscious attempt to protect herself. It’s not as if she hasn’t dated for long periods of time in the past, she’s not incompetent. She managed to last a good amount of time with her previous girlfriend, but even then, they were both in agreement that their relationship was temporary and completely focused on having fun for the time being, with no promises of a future together. On the other hand, there’s obviously a big, obnoxious, neon sign with the words “forever” attached to her and Daina. It makes all the difference.

VI

She walks past her music room on the way to the library on Wednesday, when she stops in her tracks, suddenly noticing the piano in the corner, the same piano Daina is so drawn to. It gives her an idea, and before she can talk herself out of it, she makes the right calls to ensure her plan is set in motion. She’s not confident Daina would even approve of her spending so much money on a surprise for her, their money issues seem still unsolved, like everything about them. But she can’t think of a better peace offering, that much she’s certain of. She wants that, more than anything. Whether they end up falling in love with eachother or not, they need peace for the challenges to come.

VII

It’s late on Thrusday, and she’s feeling uneasy, struggling to get some sleep again, when she pulls up her phone, helpless to get any rest. She goes over her extensive contact list, filled with business related people, until she finds the name she’s looking for. She feels her heart pound faster, not only because her mind wanders off briefly to San Francisco, but because she’s embarrassed by the mispelled name she hasn’t changed since that horrible first encounter. That’s how terrible she's been acting because of a stupid unfair law. She couldn’t take back all those unpleasant moments, even if she wanted to, but she knew the future could look different if she tried just a little harder to not be a complete bitch. Finally, she changes her wife’s contact from “Diana” to “Daina”, a small gesture, and she feels completely ridiculous for doing it --though she’s more embarrased for keeping it for so long out of spite-- but she thinks it’s a start. She’s not sure what stops her from texting her about it, but when she wakes up in the morning she’s particularly happy for her restraint.

VIII

Saturday is filled with a sense of dread, she’s been counting the days until Daina comes home as if she was counting down to her death. She busies herself with Bailey again, who’s obviously missing her mom and is acting especially clingy with her substitute mother. She takes her to the scheduled vet appointment she promised Daina she would go to, before they kissed senseless in the middle of her kitchen, of course. She knows, thanks to one of her maids, that Daina’s been facetiming her dog, so at least it’s a reassurance that the blonde is very much alive and coming home to have this talk sooner rather than later. The dog behaves like a saint with the vet for her check up, thankfully, and she feels weirdly proud of a pet than isn’t even hers to begin with. Riley on the other hand, paces uncomfortably at the sight of needles for the duration of the appointment. As they drive back home, the idea of potentially spending time with both Daina and Bailey in the future passes through her mind. Perhaps hiking would be an activity everybody would enjoy. Her hand rests atop Bailey’s back, drawing lazy patterns as she’s catches herself smiling at the thought. It doesn’t so too bad, after all.  

IX

The news of her firm establishing a business deal overseas comes on Sunday, and it makes for the perfect night of celebration. She hasn’t been able to stop reminding herself of the impending conversation she’s going to have with Daina in a few hours, when she’s back from San Francisco, and she’s not going to say no to an opportunity to clear her mind and ease her anxiety. The Marquee Nightclub is one of her favorite places and the perfect venue to do so. It’s past 2am, and the party is in full swing when she’s alerted by a friend that her phone is vibrating in her bag. Her annoyance grows, fumbling inside her purse to find the phone, wondering who could possibly be calling so late at night. 

She stares at the screen while her phone vibrates in her hand, freezing as the name of her wife --rightfully spelled this time-- lights up in front of her. Thinking of their time difference, she wonders briefly if it would be smart to answer a call someone’s making so close to midnight. Bad things happen in night calls, people can get embarrassingly clingy and sad when it’s their bed time. She wasn’t ready to deal with that side of Daina, especially when she’s had a few drinks and she’s less likely to remain in control. Her thumb ghosts over the button for a couple of seconds, and against her better judgement, she slids her finger to accept the call, excusing herself from her group of friends, to find a better place to talk. Bringing her phone to her ear, she can hear a similar enviroment coming from the blonde’s end, and she furrows her eyebrows in confusion before speaking. “It’s late” she states bluntly, making her way to the bathroom. The distress she can hear coming from Daina’s voice make her stomach twist in the most uncomfortable way, and she’s completely bothered by the fact that she’s let this woman affect her in such way already. “Are you okay?”

[cecehathaway]

Skype Call | The McCoy Sisters

Friday evening, April 7, 2017

As promised, Dorothy text her sister once she reached her apartment. Her shift at the hospital had gone by with an unusual calm and as much as she was itching for her takeout to arrive, she needed to speak with her sister more. Her sister text her back letting her know she’d been signed in on Skype, so Dorothy prepped her laptop and planted herself on her couch, sending a call to her only sibling.

“Well if it isn’t my favorite sister,” Lena greeted, tugging her snug top up at the straps.

Dorothy deadpanned at the screen, “I’m your only sister, Le.”

“Duh. Well, actually that won’t be true anymore soon. My fiancé has a sister so I’m inheriting an in-law. Don’t worry. You’ll still be my favorite.”

“I wasn’t worried but thanks.” Dorothy then took a deep breath while raking both hands through her thick hair and then sighed it back out.

“So what’s up, Dot? What was the 9-1-1 text for?”

“My letter came.”

“Oooo. What’s his name? Or hers? Or theirs?”

“His name’s Will. Turner.”

“Hmm Mrs. Dottie Turner. Dottie Turner, NP.” Lena giggled as Dorothy rolled her eyes. “Is he cute?”

Dorothy then shrugged, “I couldn’t tell you. We’ve only talked through text but I said I would come by his job soon. Tomorrow, most likely.”

“Okay, what else? Where’s he from, what’s he do, does he seem into you so far?” 

“He’s from Kentucky, he’s got an accounting degree and runs a bakery--his late wife’s bakery.”

Lena’s brows raised as her fingers pinching and tugging at her top stilled. “Wow, he’s been married before? How old is he? Nude or black cherry?”

Seeing her sister hold up two lip gloss tubes, Dorothy carelessly pointed, “Nude.” Lena went with the black cherry while the younger McCoy sister went on to say, “And I don’t know how old he is--that didn’t really cross my mind so much but...this is feeling tougher than I thought. I mean before I’d spoken to him I was being cautiously optimistic about this law. But now? With talking to him a little? It’s just...”

“Intimidating?” Lena finished, glancing just slightly past the screen now wielding mascara wand in her hand. “Was he being all sulky about it?”

“Lena!” Dorothy scolded with a grimace. “Come on. His wife died.”

“Yeah, I got that but it’s a fair question. After all, how much did you learn from this text talk?” 

“Mostly what I’ve told you. I mean he didn’t wanna meet when we first started talking but then he did by the end of it, so I guess that’s good? He’s nice. Like...too nice--unbelievably nice.”

“Really? I never thought I’d hear you complain about someone being too nice.”

“I’m not complaining.”

Lena’s eyes were on her own chest, pushing her breasts up as she muttered, “Sure sounds like a whole lotta complaining to me.”

“Lena! I’m not complaining! I’m freaking out over here. I don’t know what I’m doing and I could use my sister right now. Can you leave your boobs alone for like...two minutes?”

It was Lena’s turn to roll her eyes, “I can multi-task--geeze. Breathe, Dottie. You freaking out is always unsettling.”

“Yeah, probably because it rarely happens. I’m trying to do this right but... he’s been married before. And I don’t know how to take that. Like what if I pick out colors that they used for their wedding? Or if I do things that remind him of her? And how screwed up is this on the government’s part? He chose to marry his late wife. He didn’t choose me and I didn’t choose him...”

The faltering in Dorothy’s voice made Lena stop her primping and cast her sister a sympathetic gaze. “Dottie, listen to me--”

“And he is extremely nice. What if that’s just an act? Like he’s just forcing himself to be nice to me to get through this but it’s all some facade and he’s really some jackass underneath all of that but I won’t know it until after we’re stuck married to each other?”

“Dottie, listen--”

“I can’t get anything together for this wedding we’re supposed to be having because my head won’t let me plan. And you know I’m a planner. I feel like I have planner’s block if that’s even a thing--”

“DOROTHY! SHUT. UP.”

There weren’t many occasions where Lena acted like an older, take-charge sibling but when she did, it had a profound affect on Dorothy.

“Jesus, first of all, you don’t have to do ‘this’ right. Hell, if it weren’t for big brother’s law, you wouldn’t have to do any of this at all but since that’s not the case, know that there is no ‘right way’. You just do you. Okay? Don’t go making yourself all uncomfortable over this.”

Dorothy continued to stay quiet. She rested her feet against the edge of her coffee table and leaned forward, propping her elbows on each knee so her chin could rest in her hands. Her eyes were staring off to nowhere in particular but she was listening to her sister.

“Second, do like I said before--breathe. A wedding and a marriage aren’t the same thing. You guys can get married whenever you need to. As far as wants for a wedding go though... You’ll figure out what kind of wedding you and Will are gonna wanna have in little time at all and if you’re lucky, you’ll both be on the same page there and the rest of that planning will fall into place. Hell, have the wedding sometime after you get married if you want but don’t go twisting your mind up with overthinking things.”

Dorothy hadn’t mentioned the fact that this was already true for them, but she remained attentive while her personal tension started to ease.

“And last, stop trying to control and sort out things that are out of your control. You can’t do anything about the fact that this guy was married before. If you bring up something that reminds him of his first wife then it’s gonna be on him to let you know what he’s comfortable with. If he starts comparing you to her like some kinda put down? Then you let me now and I’ll come to wherever I need to be to set him straight. But you need to remember who you are and not worry about all these ‘what if’s so much. You’re beautiful, smart, sexy and caring as hell. There’ll be plenty about you and only you that he’ll learn to love.”

That remark made Dee smile for the first time since the Skype call began. “Thanks, Lena.”

“Don’t mention it. But I mean it. Try and relax yourself and don’t be afraid to say what’s on your mind more often, okay? After all, it’s gotten me this far, hasn’t it?”

Dorothy chuckled, “That’s because you’re fearless in that department. But thank you for the talk. I love you, Le.”

“Love you too, Dot. Oh! And expect your invitation to my wedding in the mail soon. Or an e-vite. Maybe both but expect it. Bring Will as your plus-one so I can meet him.”

“Okay. Have fun with whatever you’re doing tonight!”

“Cast hangout at this club. And you know me--’fun’ is my middle name.” At that, Lena blew her little sister a kiss and gave her a wink. “Later!”

Dorothy returned the gesture and waved before the call ended completely, leaving her with plenty to sort out and enough tools to unravel some of the knots in her mind.

[charlie-bee]

Elliot [Self Para.]

Setting: February 9th, from  3:00 a.m. to about 5:00 or 6:00 a.m.  Triggers: Alcoholism mentions Note: Charlie decides to take an impromptu road trip. 

Mentions of: @backtothemack, @trixie-windsor, @benjaminroy, @masonbellamy, @yourmomsamilf, @kiarabellamy, @beautyguru-audreyz

“Where are you off to?”

The man at the gas station stared at Charlie, a soft, friendly smile gracing his features as she pumped her gas into her car.

“That’s a nice car. 1990 Ford Mustang, ey? That ain’t no city car. You’re from up here, huh?” He pressed on, trying to get her attention but Charlie, while friendly, was too scared about talking to a strange in empty gas station on an empty highway. Nothing but the man behind the register who activated her machine and hasn’t looked up since.

“It was my father’s.” She whispered and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “I’ve kept it in good condition, changed the engine a few times, the anti-freeze, you name it.”

“A girl that knows about cars? After my own heart here.”

She cleared her throat. Her father had taught her plenty when she was younger and Mack taught her more. He knew the importance of her keeping the car even though buying something completely new would be better for her pocket. “I had a little help.”

“Well, you’ve done a nice job. Your father is proud I’m sure.” He pointed to the car with his cane and let out a laugh only for his cough to intervene. He held a bottle close to him and Charlie finally turned to face him, a frown replacing her previous expression.

“My father passed away.”

“Oh. I’m sorry, girl.”

“Charlie”

“Pardon?”

“The name is Charlie.”

“Charlie. Pretty. Like yourself.” He raised his cane again and almost fell over so Charlie reached out to pick him up and sit him down.

“Are you alright? Are you cold? I know a shelter a few miles from here in Syracuse. I can get a cab to take you.” She whispered, crouching down. Maybe this was a gamble. She could hear her friends chastising her now but she couldn’t help.

“Eh, I’m fine, Charlie.” The smell of Bourbon felled the wintery air and Charlie sighed.

“A shelter will help you. Let me help you?” She wouldn’t give him money. That would only make things worse.

“You gon’ up to Syracuse to visit a boyfriend or something? Let me guess, long distance relationship?”

And suddenly he reminded her of Trixie. Dodging the subject, changing it even though there was something clearly wrong so Charlie moved to sit beside the man on the bench.  “Yes as a matter of fact.”

“Oh! I love romance!” He replied giddily and left the bottle to the side and it made Charlie feel good that for that one moment, he wasn’t paying attention to the alcohol. “Is he as good looking as you.”

Charlie smiled and nodded. “Very much so. He’s not as funny though. I have the good humor.”

“Typical. Men, right?” He scoffed and patted the back of the bench. “You’re not going to break up with him are you? You’ve got sad eyes.”

She shook her head. “No. But it feels like it. We break up almost every week.” She laughed.

“Fire. Fire is important.  He probably doesn’t see how great you are. I saw break up with him and run away with another! I’m single you know.” He winked and they both laughed, Charlie stuffed her hands into her coat.

“I’m sure he’ll break up with me anyway. Sorry my romance isn’t what you expected.”

“What’s he do? Your boy?”

She wanted to continue the story, wanted to make it feel real for the old man’s sake and all she could come up with was “He’s a teacher.”

“Typical.” He snorted again and Charlie laughed.

“What’s your name?”

“Elliot.”

She pulled her phone out and turned to face Elliot. “Please take my advice. I’ll call the cab now. It’s too cold out here.”

Elliot nodded and Charlie dialed the number. She sat back on the bench once more. “I’ll wait with you.”

“But your boyfriend will be waiting.”

“It’s alright. He’ll be okay.” She whispered. “How long have you lived upstate?”

“All my life. Got fired from my last job and went down this downward spiral. Next thing I know here I am years later talking to a pretty girl at an empty gas station. Could be worse.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Whatcha sorry for? You didn’t do anything! You certainly didn’t buy me this bottle here!” He frowned and looked over to the Bourbon sitting beside him. “It’s happy hour somewhere.” He murmured.

Charlie looked at the time on her phone. She had been driving for hours. It was almost 2 a.m. “I hope you get to sleep at the shelter. And attend a meeting while you’re there.”

“Like AA?”

“Like AA.”

“Well, I’ll be damned. You some angel or something?”

“I just think it would help. Please try, Elliot.” She stood up when the cab pulled in and Charlie instructed the driver where to take him, gave him the money and took the bottle from the floor.

Elliot stood up and opened the door. He never thought he’d find someone so kind at a service stop. “That boyfriend of yours...what an idiot.” He laughed and Charlie smiled.

“He can be.  But we’ll be okay.”

“What’s his name?”

At Elliot’s question, Charlie’s eyes turned wide and she went through her list of guy friends or people she could just make up. Harrison was a good name of Richard or Steve. Mack would make sense or Mason or Marcus. “Benjamin.” She laughed and walked towards her own car.

“Tell Benjamin he’s an idiot!”

“I will.” She climbed her car and drove the next hour trying to keep herself awake by screaming the entire Spice Girl’s greatest hits playlist on Spotify.  When she finally stopped at St. John’s Cemetery, she looked over to her passenger seat, the unopened government letter sitting there. She thought she had no reason to open up. She already knew who’s name she’d find. Charlie sighed and turned it over before getting out of the car and walking to her parent’s grave.

“Hey mom. Hey dad.” She crouched down, fingertips grazing the headstone. “I miss you.” Charlie then sat down beside the site and leaned against the gravestone. “I got my letter. I’m not sure how you two would feel about this whole thing. Mason got married. To such a great girl. My God. You would love her. You would love Mason…” She bit her bottom lip realizing just how frequent these visits happened. It almost felt like they were still here. Still around. “And it turns out that Marcus looks really good with red hair.” She fiddled with the buttons on her pea coat. “Mack is married too. Crazy, right? To a girl named Audrey. She’s...really great and I hope he sees that soon but he’s so stubborn sometimes. You know?” She laughed softly and brought her knees to her chest. “Trixie is...she’s losing her light.” She frowned. “It’s like a dimming little light and I don’t know how to help. It’s all I think about. Seeing her the way I did last week was awful. I can’t lose her, you know? You guys get that, right?” Charlie paused. “It’s almost four a.m. and I came all the way out here to see you guys. Work is great. I signed on a very important contract and I’m thinking about going back to school for my PhD. Maybe not until next year because now I’ve got this letter to worry about.” She sighed and stood up, opened up the passenger seat and retrieved the letter. She opened it carefully and read the content. “You have been matched with Benjamin Roy.” Charlie placed the letter beside her. “Ben’s Liv’s brother. I umm...well, I’ve told you guys about him too so yeah. Surprise!” She chuckled and shook her head. “He’s good though. He’s helping me with Trixie and he’s a good soul. He’s got that light about him. The kind that flickers in a dark attic.  He just doesn’t see it.” She yawned and closed her eyes a bit, stuffing her hands into her coat. “You know...I’m pretty glad this is a 24 hour site.”

She pulled out a ziplock bag of cookies and when she did a few things fell out. A receipt from the state fair from 2015, ticket stubs to a movie she caught with Mason once and a crumbled up Star Wars temporary tattoo she had gotten Ben. “You guys have missed a lot.” She frowned and let her tears fall, leaning against the stone once more, waiting for the sun to rise.

[trixie-windsor]

Something Borrowed || Self-Para

Setting: The House of Yes, Shortly before the wedding starts  Triggers: Alcoholism  Notes: Some of it is rushed and vague because I don’t feel comfortable writing real people so it just gave general ideas of how those things went. Mentions of @ari0estrada and @hackervoicedel Cut for Length (1193 words) and Triggers 

There wasn’t a lot that could surprise Trixie anymore, especially when it came to her family.

And yet, somehow it had happened in a way that she didn’t even dream of expecting. She stared at the letter, she stared at the jewelry box, and she felt the tears that were falling down her face and ruining the makeup that she had worked so hard on earlier. Trixie knew that she was going to have to fix it before the ceremony started, but she still had time.  She just needed a little bit more time to take in exactly what had happened.

Trixie hadn’t expected any kind of response when she had sent the invitations to her family, in fact she only had sent them just so that they couldn’t be surprised when that information got out. That way they would have time to plan their responses, remind people that she wasn’t in line for the throne, and keep the radio silence towards her that had been nagging at Trixie ever since she took herself out of the line of succession. And then as soon as it was announced that Catherine had given birth, Trixie was glad for the timing. It meant that everyone would be focused on the new prince that she could fly under the radar.  Which was both what she wanted, and yet she had started to realize that it also wasn’t.  There was such a difference between running away and being cut off, at least in the way that it felt. And while she didn’t want the press all over her wedding, she didn’t want it televised, she didn’t want to hold all of the expectations that came with the royal wedding, the more that the day came the more that she just wanted to hear something from her family.  

And yet instead her mind decided to remind her that this was her decision, that this was what she had wanted and that she had to deal with the consequences of her choice.  It was almost amazing that she’d managed to stay sober leading up to the wedding, though Trixie was nervous about the fact that she knew that she’d be missing everyone during the wedding. And the fact that she hadn’t been able to cancel the open bar despite actually trying. She didn’t want to be the one to fall off the wagon after 15 days, and yet the more that her emotions started to swirl, the more that Trixie was afraid that was exactly what was going to happen.

She’d really gotten sober too soon. She should have waited. She should be able to enjoy her night without all of the pain that came from being shut out. All of those thoughts mixed with the fact that she was early with her sobriety and she could easily just start over if she couldn’t handle it tonight. After all, nobody would know - well except for Ari and Trixie hoped that they would be able to forgive one night of not having to think about it all.  

It was almost as if the decision started to make itself for her in her head, when all of her thoughts were interrupted by a knock on the door and a tell-tale “Hello Bumble-Bea,” that could only mean one person: Harry.  He was the only one who knew the nickname because he knew how much it bothered her, and even then hearing it was enough to make Trixie freeze as she tried to process that her cousin was actually there. At her wedding.  And he was smiling.

The visit that followed had gone by practically in a whirlwind of him explaining that he was happy for her. That he and Meghan were both there and excited to support her. That everyone (or almost everyone as Trixie wasn��t naive enough to think that her grandfather had anything to do with what was being said) was happy that she was happy - because they were well aware that she would have disappeared again if that wasn’t the case.  And despite being involved in the conversation, happily joking with her cousin as if no time had passed at all, a part of her felt as if she was on the outside looking in, trying so hard to accept that this was actually real life and that it wasn’t a dream.  With a promise to catch up during the reception, Harry had left her to finish getting ready, but not without giving her a letter and a gift.

And that was when the crying had started .

Trixie knew her grandmother’s handwriting anywhere, having seen it so much growing up, but as she looked through the letter the tears had started falling harder. That despite the fact that the scandal wasn’t ideal and that they had so many disagreements on how things were handled and their views, she was glad that Trixie knew who she was. That she was glad that Trixie was happy. That she was looking forward to meeting Del when they came for Harry and Meghan’s wedding.  That overall, she was proud of her even if it was never going to be easy to show it because of the positions they both were in. Words that Trixie had needed to hear from long before she even thought about running away, finally getting to be said - even if it technically was from an ocean away.  Trixie read and reread the letter, crying harder each time at the peace that started to come with it.  It wasn’t until her fifth time through the letter that she even thought to opening the box, gasping when she did.

Trixie recognized the sapphires that shone back at her. They were well known, well documented, and easily known as the royal family's.  She had read that she had to give them back at the end of the night, but she had not expected that her grandmother would have loaned her something this expensive and well known as a peace offering, wanting her to look her status while also being herself when it came to her wedding.  Such a huge gesture wrapped up in one that seemed so simple. And while Trixie knew there was still tension, and that there probably always would be tension because of what she had done, that tonight they could actually put all of it aside. And go back to ignoring each other in the morning.

Sighing as she finally got the tears to stop, Trixie slowly removed the necklace and earrings that she had originally been planning on wearing and replaced them with the loan from her grandmother.  Smiling, she looked at her tear streaked face, for the first time in a long time seeming like she could see all parts of herself when she looked in the mirror. And taking a breath, she slowly opened up all of her makeup so that she could fix it before the ceremony started. 

The more that she did, the happier that she got, and for the first time a hopeful thought started to bloom in her mind: maybe she wouldn’t need alcohol to get through her wedding after all.

[angelreports]

Angel writes a piece for the marriage and engagements column and delivers an early edition to Ro. 

Tomorrow I’m getting married though my faithful readers will be reading this in the morning. Before you engage in your hustle and bustle, yell at your favorite cart vendor for once again messing up your coffee order, and head out for that morning run, I implore you to do one thing. Reach out to the person you love. (Or the people. It’s perfectly okay for it to be more than one). Tell them how much you care. Tell them you are thankful for their presence in your life and for the impact they’ve made thus far. 

For me, the list is long. I’d like to thank my brother, @surge-rodriguez. Without him, I wouldn’t be the person I am today. I firmly believe that despite him saying otherwise millions of times. The truth is, Surge helped me figure out who I was at a time when I could have been easily influenced and could have fallen through the cracks. He’s made me strong, independent, and most importantly, he gave me support. I don’t think I’d ever be able to repay him or his amazing wife, @hennathroughthelens for picking me up time and time again every time I thought life was too difficult to make it through another day. You see, I grew up in a low income family. I wasn’t afforded all the resources a lot of the kids my age had. My parents made it a point I attended good schools so that I could feel like I was in a place where my talents could be appreciated but it was difficult when I was always seen as the “scholarship kid.” Life got better however. And I have my entire family to thank for that. 

Tell the people you love that you love them. Call your best friend and with all the gratitude you can muster up, tell them they’re your best friend for a reason. @trixie-windsor [Name changed in the paper] is my best friend because she knows everything about me. From the time I cried because my gameboy broke which was yesterday by the way, to the time I broke down because Pete Wentz agreed to an interview with me. She gets its. She gets me. No judgement. How lucky can I get? And then you have that amazing shred of luck and your best friend marries someone who could also be their best friend which makes them your best pal by association. Confused? Me too. You see, she married someone almost as fantastic as her and now I can’t imagine not having @livroy to bug and poke and go mini-golfing with. Funny how that works. 

The most incredible surprise has been meeting those who become family, just sliding into your life without you taking notice at first. @mlawleviprice has become like an honorary brother and more so like the father figure I didn’t get to grow up with. Don’t get me wrong, I have new memories with my papa now but Levi has been someone that reminded me I’m not alone. 

I could list so many people that have changed me, molded me like @ryan-andersen and his husband @nerdyeric who keep me going with their love. I never really understood romance before them. Never understood how it all worked. Even when I had so much love surrounding me, I didn’t get it. I was always married to my school work, the paper, and funky shoes. 

There’s also that familial love. The type @supermomlola has for her daughter for example. The kind of love I never thought I’d be really good at giving but spending time with her and Selina has given me a change of heart. I’m not ready to be a mom right away but I think I might be a great one someday. Like my mama, like my sisters, like Henna, like Lola. 

I’ve never experienced Mania Love and I can’t say I’ve experienced all the other types all at once until now. Tomorrow I’m getting married and this could have gone in a different direction. I could have run away, broken the law, and I could have written a book while in prison. Orange was never really my color though. But this love? Whether it’s Enduring or Self-less or Playful isn’t one I’ve had the pleasure to experience before and as I type this away as quickly as I can so it makes the evening deadline, I smile with the cheesiest smile I have ever allowed myself to have. The love I have for my match, @rorexha isn’t based on some romcom. It’s not something I can put together for a fictional piece. It’s not playground love and it’s not the kind that’ll make me shout from the mountains. I’m more of a show than a tell type of person anyway. It’s not me declaring that I have fallen so far that I can’t type a coherent word. Quite the opposite, it’s the kind that gives me muse.The type that helps me see things clearly. They’re my best friend. Like Liv is for Trixie. Like Eric is for Ryan. Like Henna for Surge. It’s something I don’t want to go away and so I had to write it down. Tomorrow I get married and I had to share it with the rest of New York. 

As terrifying as it is, it’s a journey I’ve chosen to embark. So tell the person you love that you do. Even the cart vendor. They might get your order right. 

Peace out New Yorkers, 

Angelreports. 

[jared-smokes-blog]

They Meet || Jared & Audrey

@beautyguru-audreyz

This wasn’t a good idea, but then, Jared wasn’t known for his brilliance when blazed. He’d been staring at the letter - at her information - for hours that day, and somewhere between the last oatmeal cream pie in the box and a random Drake song, his smoke-filled brain had come up with a plan. Now that Jared stood on his future wife’s stoop, he couldn’t figure out what exactly that plan had been.

He looked to his left and right, noting the nice neighborhood. He shifted from one foot to the other, his shoulders a little hunched. She was probably some rich little princess who’d be pissed when he showed up with a little grease under his nails. Jared struggled not to burst out laughing at the image of some lady with a stick up her ass, squealing over the usual grime of his day. He spent a few minutes trying to compose himself before his mind could take any kind of sober turn. He wouldn’t know shit about his government-order “bride” until he knocked on the door. Brows furrowed deep above his red eyes, Jared raised his hand and rapped on the door. If she was in there, she had to have heard it. No turning back now.

[alex-temple]

Phone Call --> Alex/Claudia

Setting: Late afternoon, December 26th  Triggers: N/A Cut for Length

Alex: (waits for her mom to answer the phone)

Claudia: Hey baby! Merry belated Christmas!

Alex: Merry belated Christmas Mom. How did it go yesterday?

Claudia: Jasper’s mother is a wonderful woman, we talked most the day. He wasn’t too thrilled about it, but I felt like we really bonded. By the way, she’s also a vegetarian, so I got some of her recipes if you want them. How was your Christmas? 

Alex: It was really great, Levi took me to see the Rockettes and we had a friend over for dinner, it was mostly just the two of us and that was really nice. And super lowkey which was really nice after everything that happened with the Nutcracker. Like seriously, how did you always get away with not having any understudies?

Claudia: Magic. And luck. Watching you deal with it made me wonder the same thing if I’m honest. Maybe my students are more scared of how I’d react if they’d get hurt that they just don’t. 

Alex: You and I both know that’s not how it works Mom. 

Claudia: I know, but that’s the only answer that I have for you, sweetie. Sounds like you had a pretty good day though. 

Alex: Yeah. It really was great. (pauses) Mom, I need to tell you something. 

Claudia: Are you alright? 

Alex: Yes. Kind of. Sort of. ...I’m pregnant. 

Claudia: ...

Alex: Mom?

Claudia: ...

Alex: Mom, please say something. 

Claudia: When in the middle of the Nutcracker mess did you actually find time to have sex? 

Alex: Mom!

Claudia: What, I’m curious. I know that I never dated when I was raising you but I still never figured out how to hook up in...

Alex: (interrupting) MOM! This is not a story I want to hear!  And not the point! 

Claudia: I know, it’s just I’d rather think about that than.....just wow. 

Alex: Yeah......I know. It’s a lot to think about. 

Claudia: How far along are you? 

Alex: 14 Weeks. I’m due at the end of March.

Claudia: 14 weeks? Why didn’t you tell me soo...your flu was morning sickness wasn’t it?

Alex: That it was.  And just with how crazy everything got...

Claudia: (interrupting) You just didn’t put it together. I get that Alex, I was the same way when I was pregnant with you. 

Alex: Wait you were?

Claudia: Yeah, I was.  I don’t think that I got as sick as you did though, but I was pretty oblivious up until around the time I started gaining weight and my instructors tried to get me to do a crash diet. So, despite what it probably feels like, being oblivious is a family trait, congratulations. 

Alex: (chuckles) Thanks, Mom. 

Claudia: You’re welcome, sweetie.  (pauses) You know, I did think that we had an unspoken agreement that I was going to get pregnant first and weren’t you using birth control. I know that I taught you how to use condoms. 

Alex: Well the universe seemed to have other plans, and I also remember that your “talk” made it impossible for me to even think about eating bananas for a year so....please don’t bring it up again. 

Claudia: Fine. Lips are sealed. 

Alex: Yeah. You’re going to be a grandma.

Claudia: Yeah....we’re not using that term.

Alex: What do you mean?

Claudia: I mean that grandma makes me sound like a little old lady who carries knitting needles in her purse. 

Alex: Then what do you want to be called? Nana?

Claudia: Are you kidding? That’s even worse!

Alex: Abuela? 

Claudia: Absolutely not. 

Alex: Levi suggested Mee-Maw. 

Claudia: Not happening. 

Alex: Granny?

Claudia: That’s not even funny Alex, I’m too young for any of those so I’ll get back to you on it. 

Alex:  Okay. I’ll stop. Plus you’ve still got a couple of months to figure it out anyway. 

Claudia: Yeah I know. (pauses) How are you doing Alex?

Alex: Fine. The doctor said that...

Claudia: Not what I meant. You’re the one of the two of us with plans and backup plans so how are you doing? 

Alex: I’m....scared. And nervous. And I’m completely sure that I’m not ready for this yet.

Claudia: Spoken like a true mother. 

Alex: Okay if you’re not ready for grandma names yet, I’m not ready for Mom names yet. But I’m pretty sure that you have to say that because you’re my Mom because 

Claudia. If they didn’t say it, it doesn’t mean that they didn’t think it. And as much as you hate to hear this, you’re never going to have everything figured out, so just take it one day at a time, and eventually, it’ll start to make sense, okay? 

Alex: That is not as comforting as you think that it sounds.  

Claudia: Just let go of the plan, baby. I know that’s not how you work, but it’s going to be something that you have to learn sooner rather than later. 

Alex: Okay. I still don’t think that I’m ready though. 

Claudia: Do you think that I felt ready when I had you?

Alex: Probably not?

Claudia: Exactly. So are you going to try?

Alex: Yeah, of course. Why wouldn’t I? 

Claudia: Then that’s what matters. Focus on that, and then even when you mess up, which will happen, you’ll be able to remember that everything will turn out alright. 

Alex: Thanks, Mom. 

Claudia: Of course. Now, I’m going to go and tell Jasper that he’s going to be a grandfather just so I can take a picture of his reaction because I’m pretty sure that’s going to be hilarious and I needed a new contact picture for him. Let me know if you need anything, alright? 

Alex: Alright Mom.  Love you. 

Claudia: Love you too sweetie. (hangs up)

[charlie-bee]

Feels Like Goodbye-Flashback

Tagging: Charlotte Brewington & Mack Harvey

Setting: Fall of 2015

Triggers: N/A Note: This is the beginning of the end.  A look into when things started to go wrong for Mack and Charlie

Charlie continued eating out of her takeout box as yet another wedding was announced on the local news channel. It felt strange seeing how much the country was changing around them. She hated this. Hated the law but being around her boyfriend, everything felt better. "I can't believe they're getting away with this. I mean...it's a good plan to repopulate but...it's too much." She frowned before placing her chopsticks down. "I don't want the law to keep us apart..."

Mack hadn't really been paying attention to the TV. He was far too preoccupied by the pork dumplings in front of him. "What?" He questioned though his mouth was full of food." If he were being honest, he was truly surprised he'd been in this relationship as long as he had. Relationships weren't his thing. But here he was a year or so later with a serious girlfriend. "We'll be fine froot loop just eat your food." He said shrugging it off.

Charlie reached for the duck sauce, ripping it open with her teeth and applying some to her egg roll. "Babe, what if we get letters?" She whispered before taking a bite and dumping it right back into her container. She suddenly felt a loss of appetite. This was awful. How did she not think of this before? "I like Yee's Garden. We should always order from there." Always. The word made her want to cry. What if this wasn't a permanent thing? It had never occurred to her. She had told Mack how she felt about him and they were doing so well. She adored his mother, they had a great relationship. She had been so caught up in the good that she didn't care to think about the bad. "We can open our mail any day and we'll be matched with someone else. Aren't you worried?"

Mack took another big bite of dumpling, not realizing that the conversation was getting serious, and fast. "It's good. But always is kind of a steep statement froot loop. What if they're closed?" Mack shrugged slightly swallowing the dumpling. "I'm not usually one to worry." He set the box down and leaned over to press a soft kiss to her temple. "It'll be okay." Mack added with a smile picking up his food again and going to town on his lo mein.

Charlie chewed the side of her lips as he spoke and closed her eyes, leaning into his kiss. How could she even think about giving all of this up for a stranger? And here he was acting like it was no big deal. "I hope you're right." She whispered, changing the channel to some wrestling and standing up to clean up. It's what she did when she was anxious--busying herself in any way possible. She walked towards the kitchen and opened up the faucet to wet her face first and began scrubbing one of the pots in the sink.

Mack was focused on his plate for a moment too long before he realized Charlie was gone. He swallowed down what was in his mouth and eyed Finn Balor on the TV screen. The match was just starting. Mack heard the sink running from the other room. If there was anything he had learned about Charlie in their year together, he knew the when she stopped everything to do menial tasks, that she was worried about something. Mack put his food on the table and headed into the kitchen wrapping his arms around her waist and resting his head on her shoulder. "Froot Loop." He spoke softly. "What's wrong?"

Charlie continued scrubbing nothing in particular. The pot was clean. She sighed, turned off the faucet, closed her eyes and pressed her cheek gently against Mack's. "I don't know." She whispered. "I just...I really love what we have." She then sighed and put the put down, turned in their embrace and rested her head against his chest. "And the government is going to take that away from us. Maybe not today or tomorrow. Maybe not until a few years down the line but...is it so bad that I don't want that to happen? I don't want to lose you." She curled her fingers around the fabric of his shirt and took a deep breath. "Why aren't you scared?"

Mack had a sick feeling growing in his stomach. An achy kind that mostly made him want to go smoke the blunt he had stowed in the glove compartment of his van. This conversation was taking a turn towards serious commitment and Mack didn’t want that. He wasn’t good enough for Charlie. Everyone knew that. Well, everyone but his mom and Charlie. She turned to lean into him and he couldn’t look at her. His arms still wrapped lazily around her waist. “We do have a good thing going.” He couldn’t bring himself to comment on her opinion of the government ordeal. “Nothing really scares me.” Mack shrugged slightly. It was true. He didn’t usually get scared about things.

Charlie knew this wasn't the conversation Mack ever wanted to have. Despite them being together for so long now, he had always commented on commitment being a huge issue for him. She didn't even know how they had progressed this far. It was nice though. No "L" word hanging over their head but she knew she felt something strong for him. It just felt like, in moments like this one, he didn't feel the same for her. Maybe the fear was one sided because of that. She hated this conversation already but she knew they had to have it and she pulled away only so that she could look at him in the eye but still stay in his embrace. "What if...what if beat them at their own game? Look, it doesn't have to be anything serious but if we just got married, we wouldn't have to worry about those letters...even though you're not worried about them..." She frowned. "Wait...if you get a letter tomorrow, you're not worried about it meaning this is the end for us? Really?" She felt a pang in her chest. She didn't want to ask it but she had to. What did she really mean to Mack?

Mack hadn’t thought about any of this. The whole government thing seemed surreal. It didn’t feel real. It couldn’t happen to them. He cared very deeply for Charlie. He just never really knew how to express it. But he knew her quirks. Mack knew that after a long day bringing her a hot cup of tea made all the difference. Mack knew she had a routine, and she had to stick to it, even down to making her bed every morning. But he’d never tell her. He couldn’t. “Married?” The word left a bitter taste in his mouth. He dropped his arms from her frame and dug them into his pockets, catching her gaze for only a moment before looking away again. He didn’t want to lose her, but maybe with these letters she’d end up with someone better, someone she deserved and that deserved her. “I haven’t thought about the letters.” He walked to the fridge and pulled it open.

Charlie frowned the moment his arms dropped. She felt defeated. He was doing what Mack did best. Mack was shutting down. "Don't do that." She whispered and walked over to him, keeping some distance between them. "Don't shut me out, baby. We...that's all you're going to say? I'm sorry...I--I shouldn't have said anything about marriage. Typical Charlie jumping the gun, right?" She shook her head and then turned around to walk back into the living room. She didn't know what to say. Perhaps she should leave, let this simmer a bit. She was the one to bring it up so she ruined the tone of their evening. "We don't have to talk about it." And slowly, she was learning his defense mechanisms. That saying about couples acting similarly after being together for so long? It was proving to be true. "I'm going to go to the gym. Maybe Mason needs some extra training tonight or something."

Mack stared aimlessly into the fridge. There wasn’t anything in there he even wanted. He continued to stare while Charlie went on about the wedding. Mack closed the fridge and turned to respond, but Charlie was gone. He let out a long sigh and headed back into the living room after her, leaning on the arm of the couch and watching Finn Balor pin his opponent. Mack knew Charlie wanted to talk about it, that talking about it would make her feel better. But he didn’t talk about things. It was probably why they’d lasted for so long. Just ignoring the important conversations at hand and moving on until the conversation was basically over anyways. “Froot Loop, you don’t have to go.” He moved to stand in front of the door. “There’s still food left. Come on.”

 Charlie she sighed as she put her jacket on and her eyes flickered up to meet his gaze. "Babe this isn't about the food. I don't want to go but you don't want to talk about this and I---" She frowned looking over to the couch. THEIR couch. THEIR space. It felt like it was theirs after being together for so long even though this was Mack's place. "Do you not want to marry me? Is that what this is about?"

Mack froze for a moment as he watched her put on her jacket. “Froot Loop. Stay.” His voice was unwavering, and for the first time since they’d started talking he looked right at her. His eyes searching for hers. “We can talk about this. I just haven’t thought about the whole letter thing yet really.” He shrugged a little but his eyes didn’t move. “It’s not that I don’t want to marry you.” Mack reached up to scratch at his head, like he always did. “You just deserve so much better, and now you can get it without me holding you back.” His eyes fell from hers. He hated talking but it needed to happen. Mack swallowed hard. “It’s your chance.”

Charlie melted into his gaze, truly taking in the pools of blue and for the first time since they've been together, she felt like she was losing him. "I don't want to go." She whispered, loosening her grip on her purse. "I know I sprung this up on your but it's been something I've thought about before. I just...never brought it up. I know you don't like talking about these things." She frowned and shook her head some. When he spoke again, Charlie furrowed her brows, trying to analyze what he had just told her. "What? I...oh baby I don't want anyone else. I can't do better...I don't want to! You're..." She bit her lip. "You're it. Don't push me away like this...please."

Mack wasn’t one to cry. He wasn’t one to even shed a tear. He cared so deeply for Charlie, and he didn’t want to hurt her, but he also wanted what was best for her. And Mack thought he knew what that was better than she did. His eyes were still locked on hers. “Froot Loop. I’m not pushing you away.” Mack lied through his teeth. He knew that’s exactly what he was doing. “Come on, let’s just go down and get milkshakes and talk about this later.” He moved closer to her grabbing his own coat. He loved her, but he had a lousy way of showing it, and he’d surely never tell her. Especially not now. Knowing that she’d get her letter any day and be swept of her feet by some well-meaning rich guy who deserved her.

Charlie took a deep breath. Like always, he had a way to bring her back. She felt anchored. Any other day, she'd say, she'd go with him to get milkshakes just like they did every Sunday but there was that dread building inside of her and before she could even agree to go like her body wanted to, she felt the tears form. "Why did you say that? About me finding someone better? Do you--did you think we could do this until we got our letters? Suddenly I'd get matched with someone else and you just expect me to move on just like that? Mack...." She cupped his face so that his gaze remained on her. "Just tell me that we'll figure this out. Tell me we'll find away to cheat this law. Tell me you want to do this with me and no one else. And I'll stay. Because right now this is feeling a lot like a goodbye."

Mack tried yet again to change the subject, but it wasn’t working. The milkshakes were his last effort to not have this conversation, to put off what he was now realizing was inevitable. Her hands moved to his face, and try as he might to hide it, he was upset. “I’ve never been good enough for you Froot Loop. Deep down you know that.” Charlie was one of the best things that had ever happened to him. “I’m sorry Charlie.” He closed his eyes, the only way to avoid looking at her as his head fell forward. “Please. Just please don’t go.”

Charlie shook her head and tip-toed so that she could kiss the corner of his lips, kiss his cheeks and then pressed her lips against his lips. "That thought has never crossed my mind. Ever." She murmured against his mouth before looking up at him. "Why do you think that? Why can't you tell me we'll figure this out? It keeps coming back to you telling me you're not good enough." She wrapped her arms around his neck and held him close. "I don't want to go." She whispered. "But you need to open up...."

Mack pulled his hands from his pockets to wrap them around her waist again. He kissed her back, part of him happy that she didn’t think as little of him as he thought of himself. He couldn’t lie to her and tell her they’d figure this out. Mack didn’t know that they could, but he was going to hold onto her as long as he could, and that gave him an idea. “So don’t go.” Mack bent at the waist and picked her up tossing her over his shoulder and walking back to the couch. THEIR couch. He set her down and sat on her tuning his attention back to the screen, a smirk of a smile on his lips. Feeling slightly accomplished, Mack leaned back on the couch and continued watching wrestling.

Charlie uttered a yelp when he picked her up and she giggled when he set her down only to sit on her. "Mack! You're crushing me! What a world! What a cruel world!!!" She giggled again and wrapped her arms around him, resting her head on his back. She began drawing idle little shapes on his back and after a few seconds, Charlie drew "I", a heart, and "U". "Can I please watch this match please? My man Jon Cena will be on soon. Thanks." She smiled and took a deep breath. It wasn't exactly what she wanted out of this. She wanted more. Wanted to talk this out but she couldn't leave now. Hopefully tomorrow would be a better day. Hopefully they'd talk about this again. "Or...we can cuddle on the couch together...just sayinnnn." She sang and pretended to struggle with pushing him off. Maybe it wasn't the end. Maybe she'd have her forever after all.

Mack wriggled his ass in an effort to ‘cruch’ her more. He smiled watching the final pin of the match as Finn Balor took victory. His smile only grew as he felt the shapes on his back, slightly relieved this conversation was at least going to be pushed off for awhile, and he still had Charlie to himself for the time being. “Jon Cena? Finn Balor is so much better.” Mack teased leaning back a little. “Cuddles and Jon Cena, a dream come true.” he spoke as if he were an excited young girl. He slid off of her and opened his arms to her. “Come here Froot Loop.”

After this, Mack proceeds to slowly push Charlie away and hey spend less time together. At first, they don’t really talk about it until Charlie finally speaks up and they get into another argument. This time, there is no resolution. Charlie has been pushed away too far and they decide it’s better if they end this. No matter how much they cared for one another, they couldn’t open up and ultimately, it was the reason why Charlie and Mack ended.