#miss congeniality au

[scary-grace]

omg I want to hear more about the barduil miss congeniality AU I love that movie so much I am soooo excited by this as a concept 😍

This one grew out of a conversation with a friend back in my "make it barduil but also make it lesbian" phase (mid-2022 or so) and it features:

Bard Bowman, 28, FBI agent (ersatz Miss New Hampshire). Bard’s the youngest agent in the bureau, and while she’s known for being a little rough around the edges, she’s also great at her job. She’s lowkey out as bisexual, and has had a girlfriend or two since the start of her career. Most of them don’t stick around, though. Nobody quite gets it about her job. Nobody except her workplace nemesis and former flame….

Thranduil Oropherion, 29, FBI agent, who’s been working there a whole year longer than Bard and never lets Bard forget it. She’s also excellent at her job, and she’s better at playing the public relations game than Bard is, which means she usually runs the operations instead of running after the criminals. She’s so deep in the closet that everybody at work thinks she’s straight – except Bard, who knows better.

Gandalf, older than dirt, pageant coach. Once the mission is approved, Thranduil hires him to turn Bard from FBI agent to beauty queen.

Mairon, older than dirt but doesn’t look it, in charge of the Miss United States pageant. Former winner and veryyyyy protective of her "scholarship competition".

Thorin, 28, Miss Montana. Former bodybuilder/mixed martial artist. Nobody really knows what she’s doing there, but her older sister was Miss Montana 5 years ago, so it runs in the family. Bard’s roommate from undergrad. They made out one time at a party, but they had so little chemistry that they both came out of it wondering if they were really bi.

Bilbo, 23, Miss Washington. Getting her master’s degree in history at the University of Washington. Her hobbies include gardening, knitting, and – sharpshooting? Thorin has a giant crush on her and is terrified that she likes Bard better.

Smaug, ???, somebody who really, really, really has it out for Miss United States.

I haven't made it very far with this one, but I'd like to! Hopefully I'll rewatch the movie soon and the bug will bite again.

[mothdruid]

all i have to say is, miss congeniality au with Javy.

he always saw you as just "one of the guys" at the department until you got put on this assignment together. you have to infiltrate a beauty pageant with him as your back up. he gets to see you in a more feminine aspect for the first time, but loves that you're still one who prioritizes yourself and comfort over the obstacles of "appearing beauty". plus, even during and after to pageant, you're just yourself, which he loves. the two of you grow closer over the time of the pageant, sharing intimate aspects of your life and maybe having an intimate moment yourself one night. the two of you fall in love by the end of the operation/assignment, and live happily ever after.

[will-grahams-baby-girl]

Miss Congeniality AU with Sam or Alcide?

[dirtyrobber70]

Please consider rizzles Miss Congeniality au, pre-girlified Sandra Bullock is already Jane, and Maura the actually social justice world peace worker contestant that makes Jane realize she was being a presumptive asshole

OR

Maura mob princess wants to take out the contest that took out her mother and hurts women, ends up meeting her match in Gracie Lou Freebush from MA

These are great ideas. Pre-girlified Sandra Bullock is already Jane for sure!

[jtl-fics]

Fluent Freshman - Part 22

PREVIOUS

Y’know how sometimes you have something that you need to do or something that you know is going to happen but you just keep…putting it off? Like you know at some point it is going to happen but you put it off over and over and over and over again? You’re getting increasingly anxious every time you put it off because you know it has to get done but you also know that the longer you wait the worse it is going to get. Finally, FINALLY, the anxiety is just a little too much and you end up having to deal with it.

You finally deal with it and the whole ordeal takes maybe five minutes tops and it was in no way shape or form worth the level of anxiety that you put yourself through. Like you worried about this for a good and long while and it wasn’t even that bad?

That is currently how FF feels about being stabbed by Andrew Minyard.

This is what he was so worried about that he had lost sleep, had nightmares, had lost weight, and had exacerbated his stress ulcers over.

Getting stabbed wasn’t anywhere near as bad as he had thought it was going to be. Maybe it was the fact that it was just a single stab wound instead of the Psycho levels that he had been imagining (Wow, showers were going to be so much less stressful now that he didn’t have to confirm Andrew Minyard’s location before triple checking the lock). Maybe it was the fact that he is PUMPED full of adrenaline from his fights against Jackson and Romero but the stab wound didn’t even really hurt at the moment.

This isn’t even the worse thing that had happened to him this year!

That honor still goes to the joint winners of when his Step Family and mother found out that he had a full-ride to Palmetto and when he had tripped up the same step on the stairs at school three times in a row as people watched and laughed.

(Maybe also the solitary congratulations from his Grandma in regards to his graduation but FF doesn’t let himself think about that, won’t think about it.)

He wouldn’t necessarily call being in a state of ‘stabbed’ a pleasant time but Andrew was being so NICE about it.

“Stop trying to sit up you fucking idiot!” Andrew shouts at him.

Well….Andrew’s version of nice.

(This is the same version of nice that he had misunderstood for months at this point. Maybe FF is just enough in shock from the stab wound in his stomach that he’s starting to grasp the basics in the difficult language of Andrew Minyard’s niceness.)

Andrew had gotten off the phone with 911 and then started pulling off his own jacket before draping it over FF’s upper body, wedging his phone between his shoulder and his ear, and then Andrew started to apply pressure to his stomach wound.

Ow.

That is not a great feeling. This stabbing may eke out past the great triple trip of March 2010.

“No, take back your jacket. You’ll get cold if you don’t have it on.” FF argues because his own jacket is barely doing the job. Maybe it’s the cold pavement of the alley, maybe it’s the blood loss, or maybe it’s the cooling sweat he’d worked up but he is shivering pretty badly.

A thought occurs to him as he feels the weird wet stickiness of his own blood sticking to Nicky’s shirt. “Can you help me get my jacket off?” He asks looking pleadingly at Andrew, “It’s my dad’s. I don’t wanna mess it up with my blood.” He clarifies when Andrew looks at him like he’s a lunatic.

Except his second call must connect right then because Andrew’s answer is non-sensical to what FF had asked, “Neil, let Roland know the police and ambulances are en route.” There’s a brief pause and the pressure against his stomach increases as a muscle in Andrew’s jaw jumps. “Smith got stabbed.” He says and he looks angry, angrier than FF had ever seen Andrew when he’s talking to Captain Neil. There is another pause, more than likely Neil saying something or asking a question, “No, it wasn’t them.” Andrew grits out and the pressure on FF’s stomach hurts, “Just get out here, I need help with smith and making sure these two assholes don’t go anywhere before the police come and grab them.” He says before he pulls one hand away from Smith’s stomach (wow he really is bleeding isn’t he?) to hang up the phone.

Andrew’s gaze turns back to him fully, “You’re not moving an inch Smith, your jacket can be cleaned.” He hisses. “Now stay still and don’t fall asleep.” He orders.

Andrew seems stressed so FF complies. He can’t help but notice how Andrew’s hands seem to be shaking as the press down on his stomach. He kind of wishes he had a pillow or something for his head because he’s starting to feel a little dizzy. Andrew’s jacket would be safer from his blood if it was a pillow instead of a blanket. Still, FF would sooner die than spit on any of Andrew’s current efforts to make him more comfortable.

He looks at the knife sticking out of his stomach. Well, he might die regardless of whether or not he spits on Andrew’s efforts.

He needs to take his mind off this.

“Should we take it out and pretend the Dundee knife stabbed me instead??” FF asks letting his mind go to the first thought in his head so that he could be distracted from his own mortality. “I think it’s still under the dumpster over there.” He moves to point one of his hands towards where the knife had remained throughout this entire ordeal.

Andrew’s knee pinned his arm before he could move it, “Stop moving Smith.” Andrew reminded him before moving his knee. “We have to leave the knife in. You’ll bleed to death otherwise.” Andrew reminds.

“I guess that’s true, so do we just say that Romero got a handle on your knife and stabbed me?” He asks fighting his own shivers since he’s a little worried that any shaking on his part would just make the stab wound worse.

“I stabbed you Smith.” Andrew says looking at him with a furrowed brow.

“Yeah, I know,” FF agrees, “but we’re not going to say THAT to the cops.” He says and shock really is one HELL of a drug because he thinks he might have actually given Andrew Minyard an incredulous look with his atrophied face muscles. It’s either Shock or the knowledge that even if he irritates Andrew, what’s Andrew going to do about it?

STAB HIM?

“You’re going to lie to the cops?” Andrew asks, “I STABBED you Smith.” Andrew repeats.

“Yeah, I know!” FF repeats back, “You stabbed me on ACCIDENT.” FF makes sure to use the same intonation that Andrew had used to emphasize the word Stabbed. “Jackson wanted to stab me on PURPOSE. You saw that knife Andrew.” He tries to gesture towards the knife again but again Andrew’s knee pinned his hand.

He could use his other one but the reminder to stay still is enough.

“I still stabbed you.” Andrew says removing his knee again when it’s clear that FF wasn’t going to try and gesture again.

“Well, if I was going to get stabbed by anyone, I guess I’m glad my first time was with you.” Andrew let’s out a bark of a laugh that sounds more like it was punched out of him than anything, “Honestly, I don’t think Jackson would have given me his jacket afterwards or try and help me keep my blood in my body.” He says and it feels like a victory (not a both hands in the air victory cry level victory but it was close) when Andrew’s face settled into one of faint amusement.

“Probably not.” Andrew agreed, “He doesn’t seem big on Aftercare.” He says.

FF doesn’t know what that means but nods like he does, “So, Romero got a hold of your knife during our tussle and he’s the one who stabbed me. Okay? That’s the story I’m going to stick with no matter who asks me.” He looks Andrew in the eye.

“Alright Smith,” one of Andrew’s hands leaves his stomach and clasps around his shoulder and FF can’t help but notice how neither of Andrew’s hands are shaking anymore. “We can lie to the police.” He squeezes FF’s shoulder.

“Nice.” He says and lets his head fall back onto the concrete. He hears a siren in the distance and hopes it’s coming for him.

They sit in silence for maybe 30 seconds before the door slams open and only Andrew’s hands on his stomach and shoulder keep him from shooting straight up in a panic. Captain Neil seemed to take in the scene at lightning speed but it was Andrew who spoke first, “You left Aaron and Nicky with Roland?” He asks.

“Yeah I did,” Captain Neil confirms and FF can see the moment that his eyes land on the knife handle jutting out of FF’s stomach, “Andrew, what are we going to tell the police?” Captain Neil asks and FF could already see Neil crafting a lie to cover Andrew. That’s one of the things that FF likes about Captain Neil and Andrew’s relationship. He thinks it’s nice that both of them have someone who no matter the circumstances would be there with a shovel to help bury a body. He even thought it was nice when he thought it’d be his body!

“The second guy stabbed me.” The lie comes out smoothly which is good because he is planning on committing to it and Captain Neil blinks and looks at him, “He got hold of Andrew’s knife during the tussle.” He adds.

Captain Neil looks to Andrew, “You said it wasn’t-“

“I guess Smith can lie to a liar.” Andrew interrupts.

Captain Neil’s eyes widen before a wicked grin spread across his face that made FF just a little uncomfortable but only because Andrew’s grip on his shoulder suddenly tightened and his nostrils flared the way they did before the two usually started speaking in Russian.

He can handle being stabbed, he cannot handle being in shock and pretending that he doesn’t know what the two of them are saying to one another.

“Can you tell Nicky I’m sorry I got blood on his clothes?” He asks and both Captain Neil and Andrew’s gaze snap away from eye-fucking each other. He looks down and the clothes are black and they haven’t moved the knife so the wound is plugged still but yeah there’s definitely blood seeping into the shirt, not to mention the hole. “Could you tell him I’m sorry about that?” He asks.

“You are going to tell him yourself Smith.” Andrew hisses, “You are going to be fine. Do you understand me?” He asks before turning to Neil, “Can you bunch your jacket under his legs, it’s better to keep them higher than his head and heart?” He asks.

Aw.

Andrew is just so nice.

He can’t BELIEVE he thought Andrew wanted to hunt him for sport.

He’d apologize for thinking that but he thinks it’d be better to just let that particular misunderstanding go unmentioned.

Captain Neil bunches his jacket up and puts it under FF’s legs before he goes over to check on Romero and Jackson. In the corner of his eye he sees Captain Neil pause at the sight of Romero before moving over to Jackson.

“Why is he in these?!” Neil asks baffled.

“It’s a weird sex alley Captain Neil! I don’t know WHAT to tell you!” Yeah he’s definitely going into shock. The sirens are getting closer though so he’ll probably be okay.

***

The cops all have a bit of a laugh about Jackson’s cuffs until Neil tells them exactly who they are taking into custody. Neil could admit that he’s a little irritated with Andrew that at no point did the man clarify that the people who FF and Andrew were dealing with were Romero and Jackson.

Those are his father’s goons.

“They were here for me.” Neil says to the police officer and Andrew’s hand tightens in his, “They tried to take Smith because he’s my friend.”

They had decided on their story before the cops came. FF had no idea who any of these people were and was just defending himself. He’d gone out to catch his breath in the alley when Jackson had shown up. Neil had asked how in the world FF had handled Jackson on his own but FF must have been getting kind of loopy from blood loss because all he said was, “He told me to sing so I did.”

Neil can find out the full story later.

The important part is.

“Jackson went after Smith but Smith won the fight.” Neil says looking at where the cops are trying to decide how to get the fuzzy pink handcuffs off of Jackson to get him in the far more secure police issued handcuffs.

“Your friend said that you and he took out Romero together. That Romero is the one who stabbed him with your knife.” He says.

“Yes.” Andrew answers simply and Neil squeezes his hand as a reminder, “I went out to grab a smoke and Romero followed after me. Romero got hold of one of my knives in the struggle and stabbed Smith.” Andrew says with his usual deadpan affect.

“Yeah that’s what your friend Smith was saying too.” The officer says. “Well, I’m sure the FBI will want to talk to you all further but for now it’s a pretty clear cut case of self defense and no one but your friend has any serious injuries.” The officer pats Neil on the shoulder and Neil manages not to shirk away from the touch. The officer retracts his hand, “You guys are free to go tonight.” He says and turns back towards the car where a dazed Romero is in the back seat.

“Where did they take Smith?” Andrew asks since they’d been shepherded away from Smith the moment the ambulance had come. They hadn’t been able to ask which hospital Smith was going to be taken to so they could go and get updates.

“Lexington.” The cop answers, “Go on and see your friend. He seemed pretty loopy he kept talking about some beauty contest thing when he was getting loaded into the ambulance. I’m sure he’ll be a riot on painkillers.” The cop goes for a joke but it twists something in Neil’s stomach to think of FF so out of it that he’s talking nonsensically.

He feels Andrew’s hand stiffen in his and knows he’s not alone.

“Thanks.” Neil says before they head towards the front of the club. The club had been emptied out when the cops had come so Roland was babysitting Aaron and Nicky for them while they talked to the cops and FF was loaded out to the hospital.

In a way it’s almost a blessing that Nicky and Aaron are both so blasted that they aren’t comprehending any of what’s going on. They’ll have to drop them off back at the house before they go to the hospital. They’ll beat Wymack there easily even after the interrogation and drop off.

FF had asked them to call Wymack to let him know what was going on “I gave him the rights to make health care decisions for me if I’m incapacitated.” FF had said so Neil texts Wymack the hospital and the address after Andrew rattles it off for him.

“I don’t like that you hid it from me.” Neil says in the car.

“They wanted to kill you.” Andrew won’t apologize.

They still hold hands on the drive back to the Columbia house.

Andrew takes care of getting Aaron into bed while Neil helps Nicky.

Nicky who looks at Neil with a loopy smile and Neil hurts knowing that tomorrow when Nicky finds out about tonight and how he was too blasted to do anything to help FF.

Andrew and Neil reconvene in the Maserati and make their way to the hospital before either of them realize the issue.

“What is the name of the patient you’re looking for an update on?” The receptionist asks.

Both Andrew and Neil freeze.

Fuck.

MASTERPOST FOR ALL PARTS OF FLUENT FRESHMAN AU

NEXT

Per your requests:

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The requests to be added to the tag list keep being spread out across a few different areas. If I missed you please just ask again in the replies I promise I just missed you.

As stated before if you’re up here and I spelled it right but you didn’t get a notification there might be something switched around in your settings that won’t let me tag you properly?

[thesweetnessofspring]

An Everlark Miss Congeniality AU where everyone in the FBI is like "what agent can we send into this mission at the beauty pageant?" and Agent Peeta says, "um, isn't it obvious Katniss is gorgeous and is the obvious fit for this assignment?" And at first she's like, "wtf? Shut up Peeta, I can't be in a beauty pageant!" And she thinks that he hates her for getting her put on this assignment, but he's just flustered by her because he thinks she's really smart and cool and pretty. Cinna gives her a makeover and Haymitch is her coach, who is a disgraced ex-pageant coach due to his alcoholism, but is smart and knows how to work the contest. Peeta is assigned to be her handler in the case and she realizes that she might have a teensy crush on him, which over the course of the fic turns into a deep deep need to kiss him senseless.

[transpaladinoftheancients]

I've been thinking more lately about my Sapphic Special Agent Besties AU.

Gillian Anderson's Scully, Jodie Foster's Clarice, Jemma Redgrave's Lethbridge-Stewart, Sandra Bullock's Gracie Hart and guest starring Kate Mulgrew's Janeway

They get together for coffee and share stories about their adventures and notes on 'Pathetic Male Sidekick Enrichment Activities.'

[erisolkat]

me watching any romcom from the 80s-2000s: who would karkat want to be from this and how can i write that

[hilarychuff]

She’s Beauty and She’s Grace (She’s Miss United States)

a miss congeniality au buckingham fic

inspired by this au graphic; read it on ao3 here

The first time she meets Chrissy Cunningham, it’s on the bus from the hotel to the pageant venue. Robin is doing her best to keep the mission in mind, to stay focused on the operation at hand, but part of the Citizen case now includes going undercover as a pageant girl and, well, it’s just not a role she’d ever even imagined she might take on — not even once she’d come up with the idea that someone in their office should.

Over the last decade and change, Robin has accomplished a lot. She’d learned four languages by the time she graduated high school, two more by the end of college. She’d proven herself to be one of the most accomplished and dedicated codebreakers in her class at Quantico, made a name for herself in the D.C. field office. Hell, she’s even learned how to plant her feet and throw a punch properly, something she never would’ve expected to be able to do. Robin is used to being capable, to being good at her job, and she’s also used to surprising herself when it comes to fitting into new situations, adapting fast to what she once thought was unthinkable. But she’s also never been surrounded by so many beautiful women.

She’s an agent of the FBI. She’s a professional. She knows how to keep her cool. It’s just… kind of dizzying.

keep reading

[pixiereblogs]

Pixie Recaps Picard | Imposters

[rbelle310]

Imagine frumpy secret agent Sakusa Kiyoomi being forced to masquerade as a male model to investigate a human trafficking ring fronting as an agency.

He's got his crazy curls exactly like he did in high school except worse, hasn't worn anything suitable for polite company outside of his work clothes.

It's not an exaggeration to say that Agent Sakusa's entire closet is basically carried over from college when he went to class in his jammies, and his high school sweats that don't actually fit him anymore but he wears them anyway.

The man isn't fit to be seen in public, but thankfully he's not going to be alone in this.

Enter disgraced stylist, Miya Atsumu who once worked behind the scenes in some of the most glitzy and glamorous events from red carpets to Rakut*n Fashion Week.

His only flaw apart from (in his opinion) being too handsome for this world? The man is a complete asshole, with a nasty temper and a tongue like a rasp.

After a public altercation in which Atsumu was filmed screaming at an A-list actor for being a hideous, pig-faced scrub without a lick of poise, he's been black-listed in the industry. He now spends his days plastered when he's not 'helping' his twin in the restaurant.

Life seems pretty bleak for Atsumu, and then one day he gets a call from some guy calling himself 'Kuroo'.

"Myaa-san, I heard from a kohai that you're 'the best he's ever worked with, even if a little scary'. So how would you like a chance to redeem yourself?"

Atsumu thinks it's a joke and tells Kuroo to go fuck himself. But then he gets an email with Sakusa's photos.

He looks at the hair (he can almost see the birds nesting), the uniform (nice) and the faded Itachiyama sweats that hang two inches above his ankles (lord have mercy).

It's a mess, but to Atsumu's discerning eye, he can see the canvas.

Sakusa Kiyoomi may look like he spends his free time wandering Akihabara in flannels, but he's also tall and well-built with a jawline so sharp you could cut glass with it.

There's also, as Atsumu realises after staring at the attachments for an inappropriate length of time, a slight pout to Sakusa's lips that would pop nicely with the right tint.

"When I'm done with ya, you'll be the prettiest boy at the ball." he murmurs, the beginnings of a grin forming. Just a hint though. He doesn't want to get carried away.

"Tsumu! Stop jerking off back there, lunch rush is startin in ten minutes!"

"FUCK OFF SAMU!" Atsumu yells back, "I'M WORKIN."

He stuffs his phone in his pocket, throws the apron off (nearly tripping in the process) and runs out the door.

Five minutes later, he comes back, puts the apron back on and finishes lunch. He's an asshole, not irresponsible.

Of course Atsumu takes the job, he's more excited than he'd like to admit. He's getting ideas in his head, all the things he could do with that raw material.

If only he'd actually *met* Sakusa Kiyoomi first before agreeing.

Pretty Sakusa, fussy Sakusa, a frowning Sakusa who turns to his chief and says, "I didn't agree to this. I thought we were just buying clothes."

The agent is only a fraction taller than Atsumu, but he holds himself in a way that Atsumu can almost look up his delicate and pointy nose.

"I don't need some control freak with a dye-job turning my life upside down. I just need to dress the part to get my foot in the door."

The other agents in the room hold their breath awaiting the eruption of Mount Miya. Of course, they'd all seen The Video. One of them chokes back a snort, round eyebrows writhing with the effort of not laughing.

Some muscle in Atsumu's cheek twitches. He's smiling, he tells himself, he's not going to explode. He's not. He's...

"YA THINK ANY MODEL AGENCY WILL LOOK TWICE AT A PIG IN HUMAN CLOTHES?! YA DO IT RIGHT OR I'LL SHAVE YER FUCKIN HEAD AND LET YA WALK NAKED!"

It takes half the agents to pry Atsumu off Sakusa and the other self-sacrificing half to stop Sakusa from successfully macing Atsumu.

A while later, Kuroo walks into the tech office where their lead analyst Kenma is replaying footage of the fracas.

"Well that went well."

This is the recipe for a late 90s action comedy with maybe a lick of thriller, an obligatory fashion montage and so much, so so much unresolved sexual tension.

Brought to you by Karasuno Productions and the director of Haikyū Fighter.

Coming soon to a theatre near you.

[markedbyindecision]

looking back at some of the fanfiction i wrote in like 2021 and the amount of supercorp aus i started and didn’t finish is a lot more than i expected

[zagreus-eats-your-bread]

Ok so. Everyone is like "Xena is so gay" and theyre right but beyond that its also fucking crazy. We got. Xena time loop episode. Xena Miss Congeniality episode. Xena Footloose episode. What am I watching right now? Xena modern AU episode where shes some dorky woman who thinks she is Xena from TV. They fail to mention this

[superblysubpar]

🎵 " She's Seen All the Classics, She Knows Every Line" 🎵

Just once, I want my life to be like the movies. Preferably one from the list below. But no, no, John Hughes and The Duffer Brothers did not direct my life.* - Stranger Things stories inspired by some of my favorite movies of various decades.

Most of these are not straight "AU's" of the films, but more my love letter to them. I'm excited to share these, and I hope you enjoy** // My blog is 18+

🖤 no tag lists for this, as I don't really have a schedule or way to organize that

Hey Girl, Don’t You Realize

A Robin Buckley story inspired by the films Some Kind of Wonderful and Say Anything

You’ve Got To Love Her

An Eddie Munson story inspired by the films Pretty In Pink and The Breakfast Club

I Fell So Ceaselessly

A Nancy Wheeler story inspired by the films Heathers & Clue

So, Kiss Me

A Steve Harrington story inspired by the film She’s All That

Oh, But You’re Lovely

A Robin Buckley story inspired by the film My Best Friend’s Wedding

I’ll Be Waiting

An Eddie Munson ( and a touch of Steve Harrington) story inspired by the films John Tucker Must Die & A Cinderella Story

Bonus:

Holds You Captivated

An Eddie Munson story (with quite a bit of Steve Harrington too) inspired by the film The Devil Wears Prada

I'll Take You There

A Steve Harrington story inspired by the films Mr. & Mrs. Smith and Miss Congeniality

Baby, I'm A Wreck

A Steve Harrington story in a Spiderman AU

So Baby, Take My Hand

A Steve Harrington story in a Jurassic Park AU

I'll Seek You Out

stories heavily inspired and in a semi-Twilight AU | Vampire Steve and Werewolf Eddie

🖤Each individual story will have their playlist linked with masterlist

*paraphrased from the iconic speech Olive gives in the film Easy A.

**Because I am working on writing in my personal career, outside of Tumblr life, I need something not only for research and practice, but also for FUN. So, these are projects I will be working on slowly - I don't really have set deadlines yet or know if I ever will. They won't update by decade or character, just whatever I'm working on is the order they'll go in. However, each story will upload at once - not chapters spread over time, but as long "oneshots" typically split into two to three parts.

[jtl-fics]

Fluent Freshman - Part 20

PREVIOUS

FF had watched more than a few self-defense videos when he believed that Andrew Minyard was looking for a dark alley to stab him in. He had learned how to turn the attacker’s momentum against them. Had learned about disarming the person trying to stab him.

He’d even had Matt teach him a few punches claiming that it was for the dust-ups that tended to happen on the court.

He, naturally, does not use any of that knowledge because his mind immediately reverts into Lizard panic mode the moment Jackson Plank takes another step forward with a knife (HUGE. Is it wild that he is thinking about Crocodile Dundee right now?)

“If you come quietly you won’t get hurt.” Jackson says and he reverts to who he is as a person and he freezes. His bravery was used up maybe it was only ever tied to great pump up songs and now in the silence of the alley he is back to being Stone-Faced Smith.

“You’re going to dial up Wesninski and if you don’t say EXACTLY what I tell you to then I’m going to have you SING in agony.”

Y’know in that moment he stops thinking about Crocodile Dundee.

He thinks about a movie that is far more ingrained in his mind than any number of self-defense videos or one-off lessons with Matthew Boyd where he’d been trying not to flinch. A movie he had watched in better days with his family and had been a favorite of his Grandma’s (and his).

He thinks about Miss Congeniality.

Sandra Bullock as Gracie Hart has taught him everything he ever truly needs to know when he takes a step back and Jackson comes at him.

He strikes right at Jackson’s nose with the palm of his hand.

“SON OF A-“

The knife is dropped and FF kicks it under a dumpster.

FF grabs the single weapon he has on his person.

The McDonald’s Megamind Happy Meal Light Effects Brainbot.

He points the LED light straight at Jackson’s eyes and just like Aaron in the car on the way back, “Shit, that’s bright!” And now completely blinded by a combination of watery eyes and LED McDonald’s toy he proceeds to SING just as Gracie Hart had taught him.

S - Solar Plexus. He punches Jackson there as hard as he can.

I - Instep. He smashes his booted foot down on the inside of Jackson’s shoes (who the fuck wears LOAFERS to a kidnapping?)

N - Nose. He’d feel bad about hitting it again if Jackson wasn’t y’know…a hitman out to hurt Captain Neil.

G - Groin. He may have to give himself just half a second to apologize to all of mankind for what he is about to do. His step brothers had definitely kicked him in the groin plenty of times to try and get a reaction. It’s an art to not let anyone know that your ball has retreated up into lower intestine. He kicks Jackson as hard as he can (collegiate athlete) with the boots that Nicky had let him borrow. He is right on target with the toe of his shoes.

Jackson goes down.

The next thing he does is not something Gracie Hart had taught him but does still feel like the right thing to do in this situation. He kicks Jackson in the head and the man goes limp.

If FF throws both hands up in the air and lets out a “I am Miss Congeniality!” Victory cry into the alleyway well no one is around or awake to know that.

He feels like he deserves a sash and a crown and some flowers.

He looks down at Jackson and then over at the van the man had hopped out of. He was definitely PLANNING on kidnapping Captain Neil so he probably has like…some kind of restraint?

Well, better to completely subdue this guy before he tries to figure out the game plan for Romero. Wait, what’s that next to the Crocodile Dundee knife, are those...?

***

Roland is calling for a second time.

Andrew had let it go to voicemail the first time. It was usually Roland complaining about Nicky, Aaron, or Kevin doing something exceptionally stupid in their inebriated states. They have a system. Roland will call and leave a voicemail detailing the dumb shit his family has gotten up to and then he’ll let it go.

If Roland calls twice then there’s an issue.

Arm still around Neil’s shoulders he answers the phone, “What.” He asks.

“You need to help your new friend. There’s some guy following him, he’s armed and dangerous and looking for someone to grab to get Neil’s attention. He tried to lead the guy outside but he’s standing watching it for now so there might have already been someone waiting?” Roland gets out in a rush and Andrew is up and moving towards the stairs even as he’s closing the phone to disconnect the call.

Neil, of course, is right on his heels. “What is it? Did something happen?” Neil asks and they are up the stairs and pushing past Frank and his stupid pineapple shirt. Andrew spots Nicky and he spots Aaron.

“Get Nicky and Aaron somewhere safe. I need to go help Smith with something.” He says because whoever this is wants Neil and Andrew will not let Neil get within grabbing distance and won’t mention it. Neil, blessedly, does what Andrew asks without question.

Andrew scans the crowd and finds a man whose gaze goes between his phone and the back door.

A face that Andrew had memorized.

One of Nathan’s surviving men.

In the same Zip Code as Neil.

And that man has the audacity to still be breathing.

He looks and Nicky and Aaron (drunk, drugged, and useless because Andrew had wanted them to be) are with Neil and Roland is directing them to the backroom.

Andrew goes out the alley and can feel Romero’s eyes on him.

He’s prepared for a lot of things to see out in that alley. He’s angry that FF hadn’t just come down and grabbed him and Neil (he does not need TWO martyrs) and he wants to know what the fuck FF was thinking (or if he was thinking at all). Even with that anger he does not wish to see FF’s blood spilled all over an alleyway because Andrew’s family needed to be protected and FF was the only one sober enough and aware enough to do it.

He knows what Nathan’s men are capable of.

Knows that Romero was one of Nathan’s best so if there is someone out in the alleyway then it’s likely one of his other bests.

FF doesn’t even know how to use a knife. He had asked and FF had firmly declined every time Andrew had brought it up after the first fainting incident. “I’m not interested in learning that. No.” Had been the standard response.

He knew FF had at least taken a lesson or two from Boyd on throwing a punch considering the one he shot out a week ago when a Striker came at him after the third time FF intercepted a pass.

Still, Andrew had not anticipated coming out into the alleyway and finding an unharmed FF securing an unconscious Jackson Plank’s arms behind his back with fuzzy handcuffs.

“Am I interrupting something?” He asks and FF looks up at him with a flush on his cheeks.

“It’s not my fault this is a weird sex alleyway! They’re the first thing I found on my way over to the van to look for actual restraints.” FF says immediately and Andrew almost laughs at the insanity of it. “Wait, where’s Captain Neil?” FF looks around nervously.

“He’s with Aaron and Nicky in the backroom. Roland gave me your S.O.S.” Andrew says even as he quickly makes his way away from the door and towards FF. “Romero is watching the door. Let’s give him a reason to come out.” He says going over to Jackson and when he rolls the man over he raises an eyebrow at the piss stain on his pants and the blood dripping down his nose.

He looks to FF who resolutely does not look back at him.

It’s a story he’ll get out of his friend eventually. Looks like FF didn’t really need those knife lessons. Something settles a bit more in Andrew, it’s nice to have someone else in their group that could handle themselves in a fight.

Andrew finds a phone and FF rolls Jackson back onto his stomach, “He could choke on his own blood.” He shrugs and Andrew wouldn’t care if Jackson choked on his own blood in fuzzy handcuffs in a back alley but he can understand FF not wanting a murder charge.

Andrew looks at the phone and sees the the swipe pattern clear as day. It takes him two tries to get the order right but then Jackson’s phone is available for him to get over to the texting app.

The texts he reads there make him angry. There were a lot of plans on what the two of them were going to do to Neil before his body was offered up to a different crime family to show that Romero and Jackson had no loyalty left to the Wesninski line.

He types out a text to Romero that will have the jackass come out thinking everything had gone well and they had two hostages. He looks over to FF, “You ready for round two?” He asks.

“There isn’t a tap out option right?” FF asks and Andrew laughs at the joke.

Always cool under pressure it seems.

“No.”

“Then yeah, I guess just hit send.” FF says with a shrug.

Andrew does just that.

MASTERPOST FOR ALL PARTS OF FLUENT FRESHMAN AU

NEXT

Didn’t wanna leave ya’ll hanging on that particular cliffhanger for too long ;)

@i-have-three-feelings @blep-23 @dreamerking27 @andreilsmyreligion @belodensetdust @rainbowpineapplebottle @yarn-ace @iwouldlikesometea @lily-s-world @obscureshipsandchips @booklover242 @whataboutmyfries @sahturnos @pluto-pepsi @dreamerthinker @passinhosdetartaruga @leftunknownheart @aro-manita-muscaria @hologramsaredead @Chaoticgremlinswishtheycouldbeme @tntwme @tayspots @nick-scar @crazy-fangirl2524 @blue-jos10 @stabbyfoxandrew @splishsplashyouropinionistrash @sammichly @the-broken-pen @bitchesdoweknowu @very-small-flower @ghostlyboiii @its-a-paxycab @bisexual-genderfluid-fan @cheesecookie @theoneandonlylostsock @foxsoulcourt @blueleys @adverbialstarlight @elia-nna @can-i-just-stay-in-the-corner @nikodiangel @foxandcrow-inatrenchcoat @hallucinatedjosten @satanic-foxhole-court @vexingcosmos @chalilodimun @insectsgetcooked @angry-kid-with-no-money @queer-crows @lillyndra @themugglemudperson​ @readertodeath @apileofpillows @mortalsbowbeforeme @hellomynameismoo​ @next-level-mess @youreonlylow​ @interstellarfig​ @notprocrastinatingatalltoday​ @percyjacksonfan3​ @queenofcrazy27​ @bsmr261 @ghostlyscares​ @spencellio​ @adinthedarkroom​ @harpymoth​ @sufferingjustalilbit​ @anxietymoss​ @oddgreyhound​ @ohno-myhyperfixation-itsbroken​ @ken22789​ @atiredvampire​ @isoldescorner​ @not--a--pipedream​ @azure-wing​ @bushbees​  @roonilwazlib-main​ @crumplelush​ @foldedaces-paperbirds​ @thesenseinnonsense​ @let-tyrants-fear​ @ketchupfriesandallthingsnice​ @legowerewolf​ @deadlydodos​ @but-we-respect-his-craft​ @cariniqe​ @zanypersonapricotbiscuit​

The requests to be added to the tag list keep being spread out across a few different areas. If I missed you please just ask again in the replies I promise I just missed you.

As stated before if you’re up here and I spelled it  right but you didn’t  get a notification there might be something  switched around in  your settings that won’t let me tag you properly?

[virahaus]

Is this me coming back with unhinged obikin ideas?

Why yes. Yes it is.

Anyway! Buckle up for a Miss Congeniality AU star wars version.

Anakin is messy, never brushes his hair, skirts on laws/causing wreckages, always with some kind of motor oil on his clothes type of jedi. Obi-Wan, his Master, is almost always extremely out together and more often than not at least tries to follow protocol. They are the best Jedi pair the whole order has and that's why they are chosen to investigate a beauty pageant contest that is rumored to be the home of some nefarious crime warlord's new pet project.

As it is, it's open to all species around the galaxy, but it does have an age restriction, making it so that Anakin is the one who needs to enter the contest.

A makeover™ is needed.

Can you imagine the hilarity of the Jedi council booking a beauty pageant coach courtesy of Padme to give Anakin a new (sexy) look with Yoda supervising because "to assess I need, in the fashion choices the force must agree" and being a cackling grandmaster to Anakin who thinks he's being tortured in several new ways.

Anyway, after the transformation™ Anakin is a whole new Anakin. Obi-Wan is literally tripping all over his boots as soon as Anakin steps out on heels and miniskirt with a crop top on, curls lush and shiny, and eyeshadow and lipstick. Poor old man has a boner when he sees the slightest peek of Anakin's thighs when they are deployed, this much skin showing? Obi-Wan is done for.

Anakin ofc thinks this whole thing is useless and a waste of time and why the kriff are heels so uncomfortable master but in the end they do manage to dismantle the crime empire while Anakin also makes some new colourful friends that give him tips on how to seduce his master (and how to deep throat a stewjoni cock without choking 🤭).

End of the story Obi-Wan and Anakin get together, Obi-Wan fucks Anakin while he wears his fancy dress/suit for the contest, and they live happily ever after (the investigation brought to light Palpatine involvement too and the jedi booted him out of the office and straight into headless existence which is you know. Death.)