#miserable bitter mean person i have ever met. like my self esteem has gotten so much worse living with her because she is so fucking mean

[softspot4monarchs]

obviously having a terrible roommate who is an awful person to be around does like awful damage to your brain esp when you’re living in one room and spend like 8+ hours with them every day but i didn’t realize how much MY terrible roommate was affecting me until i stopped spending as much time with her. life can be good… people can be kind…

[notthatiwilleverwriteit]

Hi 👋🏻 I hope you're doing okay and staying save with everything that is happening in the world right now. how are you coping with it? and if you don't mind answering I'm interested to know if this update didn't happen what would you wanted she li and mo backstory to be? I've seen your post that you didn't expect that, so I'm quite interested to know what you would have wanted it to be or what would you add to it 😊

Hello, dear anastasia-blue-april!

The world has definitely changed a lot in a short amount of time, but I’m coping pretty well. I had a little moment of panic in the beginning but it passed as I think the overall situation calmed down. Social distancing itself isn’t a problem for me, so all is relatively well. I do a weekly supply run and take good care of hygiene.

I hope people are following the instructions to take care of themselves and those around them. The important thing is to remain calm and patient. Everyone is having to put up with various inconveniences right now, but we will surely get through this!

Thank you for your concern, and I hope you’ll stay safe, too!

“what you would have wanted it to be”

The latest update of how SL and MGS met seemed to divide the readers. Some were happy with it while others were disappointed. The fandom had been waiting for this revelation for quite a long time, so a lot of different theories had been put together and expectations were high. Personally, I’m hovering somewhere between the two ends of the line but leaning more towards “disappointed”. There were things that I loved and found interesting in the chapter, but as you said, it wasn’t what I had expected. Now, I can roll with this version of how it all went down but overall, it left a bit of a “...wait, that’s it?” aftertaste in my mouth.

I have talked about my thoughts regarding MGS and SL’s past a couple of times by now:

Overall thoughts about their relationship

Development and what might have happened in the past

What might have happened (vol. 2)

My “main” theory of how SL and MGS were acquainted and how MGS ended up owing SL has pretty much always been connected to how MGS was treated as a child by other kids (ch. 242):

His father was in jail which automatically made him a criminal in other’s eyes. MGS was a son of a criminal, so surely he must be a bad kid, too. If something happened or went missing, it was easy for people to think that the apple hadn’t fallen far from the tree. Of course, a child doesn’t know how to handle that kind of situation. When they’re wrongly accused of something they lash out. It’s not unheard of if they even attack other kids physically which is what seemed to happen in MGS’s case. Not only was he made guilty based on prejudice but he also felt very sensitive about his family and father.

Unfortunately, that kind of reaction only made things worse for him. Lashing out and getting violent confirmed people’s prejudices after which it’s that much more difficult to turn things around. No one was listening to MGS, and all they saw were his (re)actions. He was seen as a problem child with whom you shouldn’t associate and who wouldn’t amount to anything respectable.

That’s where I imagined SL coming along in some way. My main idea was that SL was running his own group and took notice of MGS who liked to keep to himself. MGS was ostracised by others, and being discriminated against had planted the first seeds of bitterness and anger already in him. I thought SL would have picked up on that and taken advantage of his emotions. He would have offered MGS a place in his gang which had given him at least some kind of group to belong to. I don’t think it’s a far-fetched idea at all that a kid who’s being pushed out and rejected by the “good” will be picked up by the “bad”.

Of course, yet again, that would have been another step in the wrong direction. Associating with people like SL would have worsened MGS’s image and reputation in other’s eyes even further. Juvenile gangs aren’t also the ideal environment to better one’s image of themselves. I could have imagined how being involved in a gang life had stoked and fed MGS’s negative image of himself and self-esteem. He wasn’t a criminal or a bad kid by any means, but when you hear those kinds of things about yourself for long enough, you start to believe that’s what you’re good for. It wouldn’t have been difficult for SL to tip MGS over in that sense and tie him to his gang by his own volution.

Joining SL would have also made MGS owe him on a level that was pretty deep. Being picked up by someone and given a community of sorts to belong to is one of hell of a debt that’s not easily paid back, if ever. That’s not just doing someone a favor but rather you’re a part of something from that point on. And I imagined the way SL saw it, the only way MGS could have ever repaid him was his absolute loyalty. Anything short of that SL would consider not enough and betraying him after SL had “saved” him.

Another theory of mine that I thought could be interesting albeit perhaps less possible was about them meeting as kids before middle school. Maybe MGS and SL had started out as somewhat friends. Maybe as a child, SL had been seen as an odd weirdo by other kids, and MGS had been the one who befriended him one way or another. Maybe he would have seen SL being treated like he was and decided to stand up for him or reach out for him.

But in a lot of ways, SL was already heading in the wrong direction. It seemed like his home life was quite miserable. He also struck me as a kid who’s very peculiar but in a creepy way. Maybe his quietness and stare made other kids uncomfortable. Maybe he had violent tendencies that seemed...disturbed. I have always also had this idea that even as a child, SL’s mind just worked...differently. Maybe his sense of right and wrong was a bit warped even back then, and no matter how good of a friend MGS had been for him, he couldn’t have prevented how SL ended up. Admittedly, the whole “you owe me” and “I saved you” would have been a challenge to work into all of that, but I think it would have been interesting and given their relationship and SL’s character even more complexity.

“or what would you add to it”

As we all know, nothing that I had been thinking ended up happening. Well, I guess it’s still too early to say “nothing” since most of how their relationship progressed after SL saved MGS is still hidden from us. Maybe there will be something about how being in a gang at such a young age molded MGS as a person. But I would say most of what I had had in mind didn’t happen.

None of that is, of course, to say there wasn’t anything in the chapter that I liked. I was disappointed by the origin of “I saved you”/”you owe me” but I found MGS’s guilt very interesting. I still haven’t completely wrapped my head around it but I think carrying that kind of burden all this time definitely added an interesting layer to his character. And of course, as a MGS enthusiast, I’m always down for some of that! It broke my heart how that incident had been weighing on him so heavily and how he had been carrying it by himself. The overall themes of guilt, confession, and atonement/absolution are very interesting to me. I’m excited to see how things will progress for MGS from now on.

It’s difficult to say what I would add or change about the chapter if I could. If I couldn’t have any version of what I had thought their backstory was, I think I would change the origin of MGS’s guilt. I don’t know if I’m the only one but the deal with the homeless man and mentions of the accident left me confused. It also didn’t help that different versions of translations seemed somewhat inconsistent. It remained a bit unclear to me what were all the things MGS was feeling so guilty about exactly. I can recognize the overall “why” but details were left a bit hazy.

Either way, I would most definitely keep the idea of MGS having this crushing feeling of guilt, but maybe its origin could have been different? I had this idea that maybe MGS had accidentally done something that would have gotten him in trouble. He hadn’t meant it and it maybe hadn’t completely been his fault. Maybe it could have been one of those cases in which he would have easily come across as the responsible one. And given his situation, no one would have probably believed him anyway. Maybe it could have been something that - if found out - would have worsened MGS’s situation regarding the prejudice considerably and required his mother to get involved. Maybe MGS could have felt like he didn’t want to burden her and that whatever had happened had been his fault. Maybe he was alone in the situation and didn’t know what to do.

And that’s where SL would have stepped in. MGS would have known of SL, him being a transfer student, and his reputation but not really more than that. SL would have happened on the scene of MGS being scared and panicked and thinking he was going to be found guilty of something bad he hadn’t meant to do. Maybe SL had suggested he took the fault for MGS or “made it all go away”. He could have said it was no big deal for him and MGS could join his group since he seemed to be alone anyway. Or something along those lines. Maybe later if MGS tried to oppose SL’s orders, SL would remind him of the favor he had done and threaten to reveal who the real guilty one was.

Maybe the chapter could have still been about the homeless guy attacking MGS and him doing something in panicked-hazed self-defense that ultimately resulted in the man being knocked out or somehow injured. And that’s when he spots SL watching them...

But this chapter is what OX decided to go with, and I can live with that. It was a plot revelation that ended up becoming one of my least favorite ones, but either way, I’m happy we finally got to see this part of MGS and SL’s history. Given the pacing of 19 Days, that in and of itself is a small victory that I’m grateful for. I’m also happy about what a big development point this marked for MGS’s character and Tianshan.

Thank you for your question, dear anastasia-blue-april!

[romionestinyballoflight]

The One Person I Hate and Why I’m Unapologetic About It.

I really don’t know what compelled me to write about this today, of all days. Mother’s Day. The day we’re supposed to celebrate mothers everywhere. From our biological mothers, to those who we consider second mothers…the list goes on. Maybe, the fact that it’s Mother’s Day is precisely why I feel compelled to write this today.

When I woke up this morning, I was obviously thinking of my own mother and when I should call her and tell her Happy Mother’s Day. What I wasn’t expecting, however, were thoughts of my own stepmother to come creeping into my mind shortly after I went through the thoughts of my mother. And, for some reason, I just couldn’t shake my stepmother from my thoughts for awhile. Because of that happening, there is something I would like to get off my chest. Especially since there are still some people who simply just can’t understand why I feel the way I feel. So sit back and make yourself comfortable, because I have somewhat of a story to tell.

I’m going to clarify something right from the start – I was never close with my stepmother. Just take a second to imagine the following scenario – say you were married to someone, you had a child, and the marriage came to a bitter end. After awhile, you meet someone new who also has a child of their own from a previous marriage. You would think, having their own child, they would be an excellent mother figure and would accept your child just the same, right? Now imagine that this person puts their child on a pedestal, but treats your child like an inconvenience. Imagine that this person worships the ground their child walks on, but treats your child like they need to be fixed. Would you be angry and attempt to fix the situation? Or would you just turn a blind eye and let it continue for thirteen years? You might be surprised to find out that my father chose the latter of the two choices. That’s right, the aforementioned scenario was my life for thirteen years. And the point I’m trying to make? If you know you’re getting involved with someone who has a child from a previous relationship, either accept the child as your own also, or hit the road.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m angry at my father for letting it go on as long as it did. As a matter of fact, I don’t even speak to my father anymore because he refused to intervene. But I don’t hate my father the way I hate my stepmother. I don’t hate my father at all. No matter what’s happened between me and my father, I still love and care about him very much and I hope he’s doing okay. Her, on the other hand, I actually hate. I couldn’t care less how she’s doing.

As I said earlier, I was never close with my stepmother. I obviously had to talk and interact with her whenever I visited my dad (which was twice a year), and I only talked to her on the phone when I absolutely had to. And any kind of interaction with her was an absolute chore. When I was younger, I tried to maintain some sort of relationship with her for my dad’s sake and simply because I didn’t want to be miserable every time I went to go visit him. However, I quickly learned that it would turn into a cycle. We would be getting along for a time and then before I knew it, she would do something to completely erase any progress we made. It was like I waiting for the other shoe to drop. Eventually, I stopped trying to have any kind of relationship with her and I became civil and monotone (unless she did something that really upset me, at which point I would lash out), which obviously ruffled the feathers. As much as I don’t like to say it, my feelings toward her went from resentment to hate in no time at all.

Whenever I begin to tell someone about my stepmother and I mention that I hate her, I get the same reaction almost every time – “I’m sure you don’t HATE her, you just strongly dislike her. Hate is a strong word, you know.” Well, you’re right. Hate is a strong word. And I like to say that there’s only enough room in my heart to hate one person. But, fortunately for you, you truly don’t understand what this person has put me through in my life. And because of everything she has put me through, I truly do hate her.

And I’m not sorry for it.

This is a person who started telling me from a very young, impressionable age that I was too fat to be a professional dancer, something I wanted to do and be more than anything when I was a kid.

This is a person who tried getting me to wear makeup before I even got into middle school because I could “use it” and it would “help me.”

This is a person who, for many years, would force me to get my hair cut short, despite my very vocal oppositions to it, because “that’s how pretty girls have their hair,” and because “it’s clear your mother doesn’t take you to get your hair cut, so someone should do it.”

This is a person who would ridicule me for preferring to read to being outside all the time because “it’s not normal.”

This is a person who tried to force me to take sleeping pills every night so I would sleep later in the morning because “it’s not normal for a kid to be waking up at six or seven every morning.”

This is a person who would ridicule my clothes and force me to wear things I wasn’t comfortable wearing because “this is what girls in school are wearing now.”

This is a person who violated me when I was twelve to the point where, if I had known back then what I know now, I could have easily pressed charges on her.

This is a person who tried to force me to underage drink, despite my very vocal oppositions to it, because “it’s normal for minors to experiment.”

This is a person who tried to tell me I couldn’t talk to my own brother (another stepchild of hers) because I was “bothering him.”

This is a person who let her son bully me and torment me for my entire childhood because “it’s what siblings do.”

This is a person who literally admitted in an email (aka IN WRITING) to someone that she “tried to help me fit in” and “help fix me,” only for my mother to “destroy it all.”

This is a person who destroyed my self esteem before I even got into middle school.

This is a person who destroyed my relationship with my father.

This is a person who stole and destroyed my childhood.

I could go on, but I’ll leave it at that for now.

Now do you understand?

I’m not posting this to get sympathy. I’ve gotten enough of that over the course of my life because of this woman. I’m posting this to get three main points across – 1) Just because someone is technically family, doesn’t mean they are family. I’ve had people who aren’t related to me in any way, shape, or form treat me better than she ever did as my stepmother. 2) If there’s a toxic person in your life, they need to go. No matter who they are. No matter if they’re family or not. 3) Don’t be the person who tries to lecture about the importance of family to someone who admits that they don’t talk to one of their family members (and believe me, I’ve gotten my fair share of those lectures). It’s true no family is perfect, but just because your family is a normal, functioning family, doesn’t mean every family is. And you have no idea what’s gone on behind closed doors. If someone’s admitted that they don’t talk to someone in their family, there’s most likely a good reason why.

With everything that’s happened because of my stepmother, I’m so thankful that my mom met and married someone who has treated me like his own child since day one. Someone who refuses to call me his stepdaughter and calls me his daughter. After years of someone treating me like a mistake that needs to be fixed and like I don’t belong and like I’m not normal, it’s nice to have someone who treats me the exact opposite. I’m forever grateful to my mom and stepfather (who I actually call Papa) for that.