#miranda fits that bill

[notesfromachair]

You are SO not invited to my Oscar party

Hollywood is like high school with money. It’s a funny old expression that at this point seems a little too easy, if not reductive.  Sure, there are a lot of mean girls and guys in the entertainment industry that like to punch their power and wealth right between the eyes of all those they deem below them.  That is to say, the rest of us.  And these types don’t necessarily all live in…

[semischarmed]

Demonizer

Hope you’re not religious…

———

Parker Mills here sure was. The cross, dutifully hanging on his neck in every other post. The obligatory bible passage quoted on the profile. A “#believer” given every other caption. The works. By all accounts, religion had been good for him. He seemed like a genuinely nice guy. Friendly to all, despite the evangelizing. Virgin too- saving for marriage, of course. His parents on the other hand were vile fucks. The Mills often terrorized our small town’s tiny lgbt community but by some stroke of divine luck, the son of those demons turned out completely normal. Better than normal. Parker was probably the nicest jock in town. Parker also turned me the fuck on. With Parker, I just knew. Just knew that those kind blue eyes and gentle smile adorned that angelic face and ripped body. Knew that with his family’s wealth and that face, he had the makings of the town menace. Knew that despite all this, he was entirely clueless on his appeal and unwilling to share his god-given gifts. Many have tried to corrupt poor Parker, but the man was a saint. He even looked uncomfortable doing anything beyond a quick peck on the lips. I just knew I could make him my own cocky motherfucker.  

There were a handful of options in the dark web. Entirely different avenues ranging from a neurosurgeon offering direct transplant to a ritual for astral projection. It took 1 month just to sift through all the possibilities and options. Each one felt messy or required some form of constant maintenance. They wouldn’t do. I wanted Parker  permanently. All of him-body, mind and soul. At last I had landed on the Demonizer Potion. The effects seemed to vary drastically, though they all seemed to warn of its corruptive properties. In the end, I chose it because it filled the most important niche for these products for me- I could actually afford it. 

Finding a witch to procure this particular potion was… surprisingly easier than expected. In fact, it was downright effortless. Miranda, a witch just a town over, scoffed when I mentioned it to her. “A girl’s gotta pay her bills. Besides, It’s a lot easier and a lot cheaper to hide out here than it is in the big city.”

And that was that. For the “low-low price of $500”, I had the demonizer potion in hand. The drink was pitch-black. Darker than black even. And it seemed to pull all warmth from the room in an otherworldly, sinking feeling. I had no doubt this thing was the real deal. I read the instructions: “Drink with your intent.“ I imagined mine.

- - -

I knew the perfect time to strike. It felt oddly fitting to take him during a service. In the church’s bathroom, I took a quick swig of my future. Just a third of the black substance. I gagged as I felt it stream down my throat. And I winced, expecting a burning sensation. No-not a burning sensation. It was more like a pit of nothingness spreading throughout my body to my fingertips. The burning came after. All at once, the world around me spun as I felt my body leave physical manifestation. I watched as my spectral hands flashed white then black in a pulsating pattern, before finally settling on a grey.

Parker Mills sat, listening attentively. They seemed to be playing some religious music. My only religion sat right in front of me. In devilish glee I began to stream into him. Inch by Inch, I flooded into his thick dick. He made a small grunt at first insertion.

Parker shifted in his seat as the worship choir continued singing. His face grew red as he tried to hide a growing boner. The worship singing droned and I felt a sharp pain in my head. As if empowered, Parker’s own soul began to push me out. 

In the end, I only managed to slip a bit of the grey essence into him. It did not seem to have much effect, aside from giving him an inexplicable need to grab the flask from the bathroom floor. I tried to make a mental note of that.

I sighed, defeated, as I fled into the night. In the darkness, I recuperated as I planned my next visit.

- - -

This time, there would be no fanfare. No choir to welcome our joining and my rebirth. I wasn’t sure how long I could stay in this world without his warm flesh tethering me mortal, so I knew I had to get in him fast. 

I followed the man to his apartment, sitting patiently in a dark corner of his bedroom as he went about his day.

When he was close to sleeping, he turned off the light and sat on his bed in a meditative tone. I watched in anticipation as he closed his eyes and began to pray. “Lord, ple-“

“Mmhhmph!” I struck the man a snake, prying his full lips open and forcing his body to gorge itself with me. 

This time, no music. Just the sounds of a teary-eyed Parker choking on invisible mass. Drool ran down his cheeks as I inched more and more of my form inside. His neck bulged and eyes grew wide and bloodshot as he tried badly to reject the intrusion. Lubricated by Parker’s own saliva, by the taste of Parker, I greedily dug into his insides. 

Parker’s body began to move involuntarily. Deep in violation, it tried in vain to get me out. He smashed his head over and over again across the apartment wall trying to shake me out. I only forced myself inside harder. His head shook as it contorted in odd angles. Biceps started scratching at his own throat, trying to get me out to no avail. Eventually, they were forced splayed open as Parker’s body began to travel up the apartment wall. At first, his legs began to kick, then shake, then they begun to dangle ominously off the ground. In a perverted facsimile of his religion, I strung Parker up his own apartment wall, arms outstretched in a blasphemous pose as if to welcome me. “All are welcome..no, I am welcome,” I thought to myself. I continued my assault.

As Parker screamed, I weaved through each crevice until I could find the core of his soul. It looked pure and white, aside from the small speck of gray in my earlier intrusion. Gingerly, I pried the soul’s own mouth open as I laughed. I wanted Parker to his depths. Parker to his very core. And so I burrowed and coiled. Shackled myself to it. Shackled him to me. Like a trap jaw, his soul’s mouth closed. Forever sealing me in nice and tight as I continued squirm and fill into Parker. His spirit was mine. It bent in odd and unnatural angles, contorting until it tore. Outside, I felt Parker’s thrashing head slow into a twitching. 

I wanted-no needed every part of Parker to myself. So I begun to fill into the tears of his ravaged soul. I then felt the the fibers of those tears heal- with me embedded. Euphoric. Stillness.

Parker’s pale blue eyes shot wide open, dilated. “P-Please,” he whimpered, before they go glassy and a smile began to form on his lips. Parker’s flesh collapsed into a pile on the floor, body, mind, and soul spent. 

- - -

My first breath as Parker felt out of this world. Parker’s body was his temple after all. When I felt his lungs fill for me, and air flow into us for the first time, I felt the power in his drawn breath- Like having an athlete’s lungs chained to my whims. I felt our drawn air circulate inside me, tickling bits of me in drunken pleasure. Granted, I was not that unhealthy in my previous flesh, but this new home was unreal. Merely existing in his flesh felt like an unburdening. Energy brimmed from fingertip to fingertip and my mind raced with a clarity I did not know possible. 

“I can’t believe you just feel like all the time” I teased as I twirled my new perfect hairs. I couldn’t help but giggle in my new perfect voice. Hearing it vibrate into a low moan was music to my ears, as the man’s hand travelled and cupped his own perky ass. “Fuck,” I panted breathlessly as I massaged my new right asscheek. The Jock’s face twitches in vain retaliation. “Fuck you feel so good…” I twisted his nipple. “Thank you for saving yourself for me.” Hearing and feeling this Parker, a Parker the world has never seen- A Parker he himself had never seen, drove me mad with lust. This was a private Parker, my Parker, one bound to me for my personal enjoyment. A moment exclusive to us. This seemed to light a fire in the original Parker and I felt my soul shiver as his encapsulated mine. “g…g-get the fuck out of me!” He spat.

With newfound agency, the original Parker ran to his desk and managed just one action before I could wrestle back control.

I gulped. My shaking hand dropped the empty flask as I felt his intent hung around me like a death sentence. “Cast this demon out of me”.

Control over my perfect meat-suit went dark. Like a barrier emanating from within, I felt myself squeezed out of my home. Then falling. Falling for an unbelievable amount of time. I blacked out.

- - -

I awoke with the smell of sulfur in the air, the sky was dark and glowed a faint orange. I stood as I surveyed my surroundings, horrified. I saw a sea of bodies writhing and groaning. 

“Is this..?” I couldn’t bring myself to finish that sentence. I closed my eyes as I thought of the potion and the life I gave all to come to this. I didn’t even have a chance to play with my new body. A sensation stopped my racing mind abruptly.

It was a hand. 

One of the bodies on the floor moaned as it spoke in velvet. “Are you joining or what?” I shook it off me as the realization slowly dawned on me. It wasn’t groaning… it was moaning. They were not damned. At least, they were certainly not upset about it. 

Then I felt something else stir inside me. Hope? No- At least, not my hope. I grinned as I realized what had occurred. I took note of my spirit- a spirit that was a part of Parker’s. Partially superimposed. Partially one. We were bonded together, even as souls. When his sleeping soul came to, I felt that hope of his immediately vanish. He grabbed our merged face in horror, before looking around. 

“B-but, I never did anything… I was perfect…” Parker trailed. I felt a blackness pour out of me. That’s it? Is that all there was to being a demon? These people were not suffering in the slightest. If anything, this was something to look forward to. This time, I felt no resistance from Parker as our shared soul began to fondle itself. Our face, however, was stone cold. Parker was in control.

Feeling all that he had to look forward to, something shattered in him. I felt as much- Rage. Betrayal. Then, Liberation. He looked up into the sky with a sneer and hands outstretched. “This what you wanted, asshole? I do everything right and you still put me here? How much time did I waste in those stupid lectures? How many people did we turn down?” I immediately felt the pieces of this new Parker worm into my psyche. “Fine”. He said with a broken satisfaction.

Like a root, he spread throughout me. Bonding each of us tighter and tighter. This time, I felt a natural cockiness exude from Parker, and by extension me. It felt wrong, coming from Parker. At the same time, a part of me felt like this truly was Parker. This time, the disillusioned man continued fondling himself on his own volition. He brought me into the fold, guiding my movements. “Bro…” . I felt mind mind dull in euphoria. “Bro….”. It rolled off our tongue lazily. Something about it just felt natural. “Parker, if you don’t stop… we’ll”. His mouth opened in a wide smile as he gave both pecs a squeeze. “I know. Enjoy the ride bro”. All at once the pieces of Parker rooted into brimmed with energy. “Fuck it, right? You should be thanking me for this… My body is my temple… and I’m letting you live in it. Thanking me is the least you could do.” Searing pain hit us both. Despite all this, he retained a crazed expression as he kept defiling his own soul. Bit after bit, I felt him kneed soul into mine. Though terrified, I couldn’t help but soften. This was truly a side of Parker I had never seen. Here he was, tainting himself- tainting us both- locking us to eternal damnation. Into one being. And he laughed while doing it. I could feel it in his depths. A raw aggression. A depraved, sexual hunger in him. One that swallowed me infinitesimally. One that strung me up inside him, fed me pieces of himself. Fed me too much of himself. Fed me to him. My head was spinning as the lines between us blurred even further. This new Parker coursed through me as he guided me to finish the job. Let’s sin in this temple together. The last, innocent piece of the original Parker spurted out of our soul in a torrent of spectral cum. We could see the weightlessness of it. We watched as it floated up to the dark sky. This remnant of the original Parker-the original me, would be mine. I drew the land into me, felt empowered by the flames as I jetted up. In unbelievable pace we ascended back to the living world. 

- - -

Final bits of soul continued to ascend but with a swift, dark grip, we grabbed it and jammed it into our body’s chest. I watched my meat shudder at the feeling. It breathed into life, but remained unconscious. Our soul now brimming black, I caressed my perfected form in satisfaction. We were Parker. And we needed every bit of ourselves to be whole. On that note, I jammed our dick right into the Parker Meat body’s chest and watched as it shuddered. Caressing the face now wholly mine, I jammed our dick in again and again, reveling in the body’s shaking. I watched it claw into the floor, legs kicking and flaying in some automatic attempt to keep its own soul out. I only continued with faster and faster pace, grunting in his manly tone until finally-release. The invisible barrier around flesh punctured and I willed my spirit to pump bit after bit of myself into the small orifice. The Parker body only made gurgling noises as I streamed inside. Once all of me was finally home, I felt my flesh begin to enclose me and laughed as I felt the barrier reforge- only with me inside it this time. I made quick work of the last piece of the original Parker’s soul. Staining it black and integrating it into myself.

Tears now flowed freely down Parker’s flush cheeks. His hands caressed his thick biceps in gratification. We were finally complete.  

I moaned as I felt myself overcome a familiar sensation that my old body often experienced. However, this sensation was entirely foreign to this Parker-flavored bod. Electricity coursed inside me, and moans turned into screams as shook back and forth in a downright religious experience. My back arched in violent delight and I felt the lights go out from my new pale, blue eyes. Parker’s first cum- our first cum together- absolute pleasure. My jaw slacked and drool began to escape as I was still reeling from the sensation.

Mess. I sat there panting for a second, chest and stomach soaked and coated in our liberation. I scooped a bit of the white and stared at it in my hand, watching this body’s own seed violently shudder and contort unnaturally before phasing into a dark mist. In demented glee, I felt the mist like an extension of myself and began feeding it into the rest of the untouched cum still outlining my abs. I licked my lips in savage pleasure as I watched as the rest of it slowly turn dark and soon felt it also under my control. Exquisite. I sent the small package of myself into the air, flying towards one of my teammates. Just a small piece to convince him to submit himself to Parker’s temple.

I couldn’t wait to show the town our new self. We are Parker. And all are welcome to worship at this temple. “Let us pray”.

- - -

Now, have you accepted Parker as your personal lord and savior?

[ask-the-four-lords]

Don't know if this has been ask if so ignore this lol.

To all the lords, dimitrescu sisters and mother miranda what is your type?

:D

(I'm going to have them all answer honestly because if we're being realistic they'd all lie either a little or about basically the entire question)

Alcina Dimitrescu: Adorable, tasteful, intelligent, amusing, talented, strong-willed *seductive tone* yet entirely submissive at the right times.

Donna Beneviento: *Swallows* U-understanding, caring... no... no... I-I just want someone... to-to really love me *sobs*...

Salvatore Moreau: Someone... *barely keeps down some acid* someone whlo is nod afraid uh me... *cries* l-loving... like in muh-muh movies... *fails to keep down acid, it gets all over the floor* (He doesn't say it but also someone who fits the mommy bill)

Karl Heisenberg: Heh, smart, pretty, witty, charmin', and most impordenly, they're a real fighter, don't let any motherfucker hold em down but occasionally ready to be held down. *realizes there are some similarities between his statement and the 'big bitch's', gags. He speaks after in a rare moment of vulnerability* Hones'ly, I just don' wanna be alone anymore... I got no one but Sturm at the momen'. *Grimaces* Speaking of the fucker... YOU STUPID SACK OF SHIT! I BROUGHT YOU INTO THIS SICK FUCKING WORLD AND I'll TAKE YOU OUT OF IT!

Daniela Dimitrescu: *Giggles* I'd like an adorable little maid... romantic and pretty.

(Sorry I didn't do Bela and Cassandra I am really sleep deprived, I'll probably be back to edit and add them in the next two days)

[teabooksandsweets]

I have updated it and added Persuasion 2022.

[rallamajoop]

Hi! I saw your analysis posts about the Lords of RE8, and I am absolutely in love! The early concept of the Duke as the fifth Lord always fascinated me, especially since I wonder what "motif" there could have been in term of horror for him. I mean, the other lords all answer obvious archetypes and that ever since their concept art (vampire, werewolf, Frankenstein, ghost). I wonder what would have been the plans with the Duke and his early, more zombified-like version... What d'you think?

Well, as I've said before, I don't think there's much to suggest the Duke was ever meant to be "the fifth lord" in the sense of having his own domain or a big boss battle, or however else you're thinking here. He doesn't appear alongside the other lords in any of the early concepts for Ethan's trial, and all the lords' iconography is big on square corners and blocks in a way that really wouldn't work with a fifth entry. All we've even got to go on to tell us he was ever meant to be a lord at all is a single line attached to one piece of concept art (below). I don't even see him as looking all that much more zombified there ‒ it's just a sketchy art style.

My guess, FWIW, would be the Duke was always going to be Ethan's ally/shopkeeper, but with some late-game reveal that he was a (deposed? former?) member of the lords as an explanation for his implied powers and connection to the village. But the Duke doesn't need to be explained for the story to work, which may be why the 'fifth lord' idea was ultimately dropped.

If you really want to dig into fairy tale archtypes though, there's an obvious one that already corresponds to the Duke, with his horse and carriage ‒ and that's the old, wandering fortuneteller. Typically this would be a Romani woman (although I don't imagine she'd be called 'Romani' in any authentic fairytale), and our hero would more likely be trading money or favours for advice rather than treasure for weapon upgrades, but the Duke fits the bill otherwise.

In fact, as I mentioned in my post on some of the game's unused assets, the Duke actually has a number of unused voice lines that seem to relate to him selling Ethan more information (“You won’t come across this information just anywhere,” “A little bird whispered this to me,” and “Not to presume, but some advice if I may.”) ‒ possibly treasure photos or hints to significant locations.

Fortunetellers and other folk who offer cryptic-yet-vital advice are a regular feature in horror stories too, not just fairy tales. If offended, their role can easily overlap into that of 'witch', for greater monster cred. But for my money, the Duke himself doesn't come across as the easily offended type, so expanding his role into 'monster' might be reaching.

Alternately, you could also look at the villainous Masked Duke from the Shadow of Rose DLC. I doubt he much resembles any authentic 'original' plan for the character, and he's very much his own entity, but he's certainly an effective villain.

(Though if neither of those work for you, given the Duke's size and association with food, 'literal giant who eats people' might also be a fairytale archtype that could fit.)

All that said, I do wonder just a little if there was ever a plan for the Duke to have a proper villain-reveal moment, when you learn he's the fifth lord. I have this whole semi-developed theory that the Duke is actually working on Miranda's direction for most of the game we all played: after all, she seems to want Ethan to destroy her 'false children', and it's the Duke who sets him on the path to do that (with some input from the old hag, our other cackling-fortuneteller-character). It's only once Ethan wakes up in the Duke's carriage at the very end that he unambiguously picks a side against Miranda. After all, even if he was always privately rooting for Ethan, why stick his neck out for a man who might not even survive the day? That's just not good business.

But even if the Duke wasn't working for Miranda from the start, how much do we really know about his motives? It's far too easy to read his eagerness to buy the crystalised remains of mould-infected individuals as the stuff of war profiteering. How much would the additional remains of Miranda, and even Ethan, be worth to him? And these are hardly the only possibilities for what he could really be after!

In short, I would actually love to see more villainous takes on the Duke. Don't get me wrong ‒ I do love that a character as shady as him doesn't turn out to have been Evil All Along, but he's still sinister enough that I'm intrigued by AU possibilities where he has his own twisted plans for Ethan all along, whether as part of Miranda's scheme or all his own. There's stuff you could do here, I'm just saying!

One one final note, people have suggested the owl crest you can see in the background of his shop and the carpet of his carriage was intended to be the crest of his house, and that seems broadly plausible (more on that & translations in my post on everything we do know about the village lords). While I'm at it, have some high-res versions of both from the game assets.

I'm sure you don't need me to tell you that an owl represents wisdom, or how that tracks with his role as a source of information for Ethan either.

Does it actually look like the crests of the other lords, though?

Eh, a little? You'd have to do some heavy reworks to make it fit in a diamond like all the others. As for overall shape, you could even say it bears more resemblance to Miranda's crest.

Does that mean anything? Eh, if you want it to. Who knows?

(I am also going to nitpick you just a little and say that none of the lords was ever a werewolf. The werewolves are the werewolves, the missing lord in your list would be Moreau as the hunchback or swamp monster. We really don't need anyone else thinking Heisenberg is a lycan, that's really getting tired.)

[chicagofmastrid]

( kristine froseth, cis woman, she/her ) — is that ASTRID FAHRINGER stepping out of the L-train? rumor has it they’ve lived in the windy city for ENTIRE LIFE and currently lives in ANDERSONVILLE. the 26 year old works as as a BAKER / ASPIRING MODEL AND INFLUENCER and originally hails from CHICAGO. SHE has been given the reputation of being INSECURE and NAIVE around town, but friends say they’re more ECCENTRIC and HARD WORKING. either way, I think they’re really fitting in here!

trigger warning for mentions of alcoholism, cancer, drug abuse

STATS.

full name: astrid fahringer

age: twenty six

hair color: dirty blonde

eye color: blue

piercings: both ear holes, left ear cartilage

tattoos: tbd

sexual orientation: bi-romantic/bi-sexual

occupation: baker worker / aspiring model, escort

positive traits: creative, intelligent, eccentric, hard-working

negative traits: insecure, naive, reckless, over critical

CHARACTER INSPIRTATIONS.

fiona gallagher (shameless), spencer reid (criminal minds), misty day (american horror story), alaska young (looking for alaska)

CHARACTER PLAYLIST.

mirrorball - taylor swift

gypsy - fleetwood mac

ballad of a homeschooled girl - olivia rodrigo

geraldene - miranda lambert

AESTHESTICS.

the smell of lavender and cigarette smoke, empty energy drink cans, infectious laughter, baby pink scrunchies on your wrist, thrift shop adventures with an iced chai tea latte, freckles sprinkled across cheeks, mascara stained pillowcases, a field full of sunflowers, blasting your favorite songs alone in your room

MINI BIO / HEADCANONS.

astrid grew up on the southside of chicago to an extremely chaotic and dysfunctional family. the fahringer parents were the type of couple who should have never gotten married, nor had children for the matter.

astrid's mother struggled with keeping afloat with her mental health and her father struggled with alcoholism. so, due to this, astrid had to quickly step into the role of a motherly figure very early on with her three younger siblings.

astrid knew deep down, her parents did love their children, but them more most than not chose their vices over them.

it was not out of the ordinary for them to constantly be behind on rent and bills, often getting evicted from whatever run down apartments they were staying at. astrid had many memories of having to stay in shelters, sleeping in cars, or being dumped at the steps of family friends or her grandmother.

eventually custody was ultimately placed in the hands of their grandmother after their father was arrested for endangerment of her younger siblings after an bad bender of his. their mother had taken off a year ago prior and couldn't be contacted.

despite having such a whirlwind of an upbringing and family dynamic, something that astrid always seemed to stive in was her academics. in a way, it was a good distraction from all the chaos in her personal life. making top marks, her teachers knew that she was destined for good things. astrid graduated nearly at the top of her graduating class, getting a full scholarship to the university of chicago. she had plans to pursue a degree in software engineering and web design.

she adored her college years, continuing to flourish and even becoming a bit more extroverted and making new friends and expanding her surroundings. after spending soooo many years of her childhood being more of a wallflower, it was a nice change of pace for her.

unfortunately, life took a bit of a sour turn during her junior year of college. astrid's grandmother became very ill with cancer, being unable to work or take care of herself. family always being first for her, she decided to take a leave of absence from school to help take of her grandmother during her chemo treatments and work full time.

she worked full time at the bakery and also picked up a part time gig as an escort. her paychecks at the bakery weren't quite enough to help chip in for her grandma's health expenses and other bills. after fourteen tough months of treatment, her grandmother went into remission !

astrid was still on the fence about returning to college, wanting to give herself a bit more time before she potentially jumped back into any courses. ultimately deciding to continue to work at the bakery and do the occasional free-lance web design gigs.

unexpectedly was scouted by a modeling agency worker who was picked up a custom order at the bakery. they were taken back by her 'natural beauty' and personality and gave her contact information for an open casting call for new faces. astrid took it as a sign for a new exciting chapter of her life and something she hadn't ever totally considered before?? but realized she really enjoyed the energy of being behind the camera and on the catwalk.

ended up booking a photoshoot and runway show with the agency but has yet to be officially signed for any contracts. astrid is trying to slowly build up her portioflio by booking gigs here and there, trying to save up the $$$ to properly do that. she has resorted to going back to escorting on the side a few times a month to do so. sometimes she thinks it feels like a pipe dream to become signed, feeling like maybe going back to school would be a better option.

OTHER FUN FACTS.

she loves her morning cigarettes / the devil's lettuce ;)

is a cat person 1000000%

fleetwood mac is her all time favorite band

highkey a really big nerd??? big on starwars/superhero movies and played dnd in high school and college.

she has a decent online following on instagram/tiktok. she makes mostly lifestyle and cooking contact. she has had a few of her tiktok videos gone viral from her vlogs at the bakery and her grwm's with her outfits, people feeling drawn to her eccentric style of dressing

the key to her heart is sour candy and sunflowers

mixed drink of choice of a vodka redbull

LOVES thrifting, most of her clothes are thrifted <3

is a bit of a hopeless romantic but is such a sucker for rom com's!!!!

FULL BIO.

coming soon!

[dianneking]

Oh my ruler I am sorry to have called you a lady, how dull of me to assume.

Well I might be interested in the things you are most likely to be finishing or the ones you recently started. If you want ti share with me/us ☺️

💐 - anon and as an apology a🌹

Apology (and rose) absolutely accepted! I am a magnanimous ruler after all 😉

There's one that kinda fits the bill for both of those, it is one of the ones I've started more recently and it's a multichapter fic featuring Miranda Hilmarson slowly falling for her physiotherapist at the hospital. I feel like I am halfway done with it at the moment

Let me grab a little snippet for you:

Miranda could have tried to be civil to her, if it hadn’t been for the dimples. Oblivious to her line of thoughts, the other woman kept smiling as she tapped Miranda’s knee. “Back to your right foot, love. I ain’t cutting you any slack just because you’re gorgeous.” Miranda could feel her cheeks flush in a mix of anger and embarrassment and maybe a little bit – just a tiny smidgen – of pleasure. It’s not like she cared if a random woman complimented her.

[nightsidewrestling]

D.U.D.E Bios: Gardenia Lum

Tristan’s Beautiful Flower Maiden Gardenia Lum (2020)

The wife of Tristan and daughter-in-law of Damian and Nicole, Gardenia. Flowery and beautiful but reserved the majority of the time, she tries to keep out of family drama.

“Best not to worry ourselves over nothing.”

Name

Full Legal Name: Gardenia Autumn Lum (Née Day)

First Name: Gardenia

Meaning: From the name of the tropical flower, which was named for the Scottish naturalist Alexander Garden.

Pronunciation: gahr-DEEN-ee-a

Origin: English

Middle Name: Autumn

Meaning: From the name of the season, ultimately from Latin ‘Autumnus’.

Pronunciation: AW-tem

Origin: English

Surname: Lum (Née Day)

Meaning: Lum: From Old English ‘Lum’ meaning ‘Pool’. (Day: From a diminutive form of David.)

Pronunciation: LUH-mb (DAY)

Origin: English (English)

Alias: None

Reason: N/A

Nicknames: Nia

Titles: Mrs

Characteristics

Age: 33

Gender: Female. She/Her Pronouns

Race: Human

Nationality: British

Ethnicity: White

Birth Date: March 30th 1987

Symbols: N/A

Sexuality: Straight

Religion: Christian

Native Language: English

Spoken Languages: English, French

Relationship Status: Married

Astrological Sign: Aries

Theme Song (Ringtone on Damian & Vi’s Phones): Damian: ‘Girl All the Bad Guys Want’ - Bowling For Soup. Vi: ‘Call Me When You’re Sober’ - Evanescence

Voice Actor: Miranda Hart

Geographical Characteristics

Birthplace: Bodmin, Cornwall, England

Current Location: Bodmin, Cornwall, England

Hometown: Bodmin, Cornwall, England

Appearance

Height: 5’2” / 157 cm

Weight: 115 lbs / 52 kg

Eye Colour: Brown

Hair Colour: Black

Hair Dye: None

Body Hair: N/A

Facial Hair: N/A

Tattoos: (As of Jan 2020) None

Piercings: Ear Lobe (Both)

Scars: None

Health and Fitness

Allergies: None

Alcoholic, Smoker, Drug User: Social Drinker

Illnesses/Disorders: None

Medications: None

Any Specific Diet: None

Relationships

Allies: N/A

Enemies: N/A

Friends: Vanessa Rhydderch, Eithne O’Hannagan, Tydfil McFarland, Gwen McCracken, Branwen McCracken, Gethsemane Rhydderch, Ginger Rhydderch

Colleagues: N/A

Rivals: None

Closest Confidant: Tristan Lum

Mentor: Graham Day

Significant Other: Tristan Lum (32, Husband)

Previous Partners: None of Note

Parents: Graham Day (53, Father), Grace Day (54, Mother, Née Joyce)

Parents-In-Law: Damian Lum (61, Father-In-Law), Nicole Lum (56, Mother-In-Law, Née Yap)

Siblings: None

Siblings-In-Law: Viola Nye (41, Tristan's Half-Sister), Quentin Nye (42, Viola's Husband), Ulysses May (38, Tristan's Half-Brother), Kestrel May (39, Ulysses' Wife, Née Coy), Wanda Ott (35, Tristan's Sister), Heath Ott (36, Wanda's Husband), Xavia Lum (29, Tristan's Sister), Sullivan Lum (26, Tristan's Brother), Yasmine Lum (23, Tristan's Sister), Roger Lum (20, Tristan's Brother), Zella Lum (17, Tristan's Sister)

Nieces & Nephews: Adam Nye (21, Nephew), Paulette Nye (18, Niece), Benjamin Nye (15, Nephew), Olivia Nye (12, Niece), Charles Nye (9, Nephew), Earl May (18, Nephew), Jane May (15, Nephew), Flint May (15, Nephew), Imogen May (9, Niece), Magnolia Ott (15, Niece), Laurence Ott (12, Nephew), Naomi Ott (9, Niece)

Children: Daisy Lum (12, Daughter), Vance Lum (9, Son)

Children-In-Law: None

Grandkids: None

Great Grandkids: None

Wrestling

Billed From: N/A

Trainer: N/A

Managers: N/A

Wrestlers Managed: N/A

Debut: N/A

Debut Match: N/A

Retired: N/A

Retirement Match: N/A

Wrestling Style: N/A

Stables: N/A

Teams: N/A

Regular Moves: N/A

Finishers: N/A

Refers To Fans As: N/A

Finishers: N/A

Refers To Fans As: N/A

Extras

Backstory: Gardenia grew up fascinated with botany, eventually becoming a florist. She met Tristan during college and has been with him ever since.

Trivia: Nothing of Note

[2000sfm]

any suggestions for roles or reboots that would fit 30+ muses well? either existing or new ones!

we  would  love  more  older  muses  around  here.  some  ideas  for  older  muses  in  existing  reboots  are  listed  under  the  cut  since  it's  quite  a  long  list.  however  some  other  reboots  that  could  definitely  fit  30+  muses  are  :  13  going  on  30,  legally  blonde,  american  psycho,  mamma  mia,  how  i  met  your  mother,  the  office  &  desperate  housewives  !!

the  vampire  diaries:  alaric  saltzman,  jenna  sommers,  john  gilbert,  meredith  fell,  sybil,  liz  forbes,  lillian  salvatore,  josette  laughlin,  isobel  flemming,  carol  lockwood,  abby  bennett,  pearl,  mikael  mikaelson,  zach  salvatore  &  esther  mikaelson.

the  oc:  alex  kelly,  sandy  cohen,  kirsten  cohen,  julie  cooper,  jimmy  cooper

one  tree  hill:  dan  scott,  keith  scott,  deb  scott,  karen  roe,  quinn  james.

sons  of  anarchy:  jax  teller,  opie  winston,  donna  winston,  gemma  teller-morrow,  clay  morrow,  tara  knowles,  juice  ortiz,  tig  trager,  chibs  telford,  happy,  wendy  case,  half-sack  epps.

gilmore  girls:  sookie  st.  james,  christopher  hayden,  emily  gilmore,  richard  gilmore,  max  medina,  michel  gerard,  mrs.  kim.

pretty  little  liars:  ezra  fitz,  melissa  hastings,  wren  kingston,  ashley  marin,  meredith  sorenson,  veronica  hastings,  ella  montgomery,  byron  montgomery,  ian  thomas,  tom  marin.

sex  and  the  city:  samantha  jones,  charlotte  york,  miranda  hobbes,  mr.  bing,  aiden  shaw.

supernatural:  dean  winchester,  sam  winchester,  jo  harvelle,  bobby  singer,  john  winchester,  mary  winchester,  ruby,  lilith,  castiel,  ellen  harvelle,  jessica  moore.

friends:  phoebe  buffay,  ross  geller  (ross  gang),  janice  hosenstein,  gunther,  mike  hannigan,  carol  willick,  emily  waltham,  susan  bunch,  kathy,  jill  green,  amy  green.

criminal  minds:  spencer  reid,  derek  morgan,  penelope  garcia,  emily  prentiss,  hotch  hotchner,  jason  gideon,  david  rossi,  elle  greenaway.

grey's  anatomy:  lexie  grey,  mark  sloan,  derek  shepherd,  amelia  shepherd,  izzie  stevens,  george  o'malley,  cristina  yang,  alex  karev,  miranda  bailey,  callie  torres,  arizona  robbins,  april  kepner,  jackson  avery,  owen  hunt,  addison  montgomery.

true  blood:  bill  compton,  eric  northman,  lafayette  reynolds,  sam  merlotte,  tara  thorton,  pam,  alcide  heveraux.

jennifers  body:  nikolai  wolff

resident  evil:  chris  redfield,  albert  walker,  jill  valentine,  ada  wong,  barry  burton,  rebecca  chambers,  ashley  graham.

scream:  gale  weathers,  dewey  riley.

[lookwhathappenedtomack]

Ladies, gentlemen, and interesting people, welcome to...

The Mackolades are my personal annual film awards, awarded to my favorite (for the most part) movies, performances, and people from all the movies I watched for the first time in 2022, regardless of release year. This is more or less a companion series to Brendan’s Pink Bettes, as most of our movie watching is together. You can see the first and second Mackolades here on my tumblr, now let’s get started on the third!

FAVORITE DRAMA

WINNER: tick, tick...BOOM! (2021) dir. Lin-Manuel Miranda

FINALISTS:

Avatar: The Way of Water (2022) dir. James Cameron

Dramarama (2020) dir. Jonathan Wysocki

Everything Everywhere All At Once (2022) dir. Daniel Scheinert & Daniel Kwan

TÁR (2022) dir. Todd Field

NOMINEES:

The Batman (2022) dir. Matt Reeves

The Godfather (1972) dir. Francis Ford Coppola

Klaus (2019) dir. Sergio Pablos

Pride & Prejudice (2005) dir. Joe Wright

The Talented Mr. Ripley (1999) dir. Anthony Minghella

Three Thousand Years of Longing (2022) dir. George Miller

GREAT year for the Favorite Drama category! I knew from the first few minutes of tick, tick...BOOM! that it was winning, but two of the finalists (Dramarama and Everything Everywhere All At Once) gave it a real run for its money. And then TÁR was just impeccable in every way (CATE!!!!!!). Special shoutout to The Godfather for actually living up to the hype and The Batman for being a genuinely good superhero movie. Highly recommend Dramarama in particular to any of my theatre friends that see this.

FAVORITE HORROR

WINNER: The Menu (2022) dir. Mark Mylod

FINALISTS:

All About Evil (2010) dir. Joshua Grannell (aka Peaches Christ)

Nope (2022) dir. Jordan Peele

Pearl (2022) dir. Ti West

Scream (2022) dir. Matt Bettinelli-Olpin & Tyler Gillett

NOMINEES:

Arachnophobia (1990) dir. Frank Marshall

Barbarian (2022) dir. Zach Cregger

Fresh (2022) dir. Mimi Cave

Hellraiser (2022) dir. David Bruckner

What Keeps You Alive (2018) dir. Colin Minihan

X (2022) dir. Ti West

GREAT year for horror, too! The Menu is such a fun ride, almost more of a dark comedy than horror. I had a lot more actual scares this year than in 2021, particularly in Nope, Scream, Arachnophobia, and Barbarian.

FAVORITE COMEDY

WINNER: Barb & Star Go To Vista Del Mar (2021) dir. Josh Greenbaum

FINALISTS:

Do Revenge (2022) dir. Jennifer Kaytin Robinson

Glass Onion (2022) dir. Rian Johnson

Hello, My Name Is Doris (2015) dir. Michael Showalter

Kissing Jessica Stein (2001) dir. Charles Herman-Wurmfeld

NOMINEES:

Burn After Reading (2008) dir. Ethan Coen & Joel Coen

Fire Island (2022) dir. Andrew Ahn

Little Miss Sunshine (2006) dir. Jonathan Dayton & Valerie Faris

Mrs. Harris Goes To Paris (2022) dir. Anthony Fabian

My Big Fat Greek Wedding (2002) dir. Joel Zwick

See How They Run (2022) dir. Tom George

Hey guess what. It was a great year for comedy, too. Barb & Star is destined to join Romy & Michele and the Tragedy Girls as a pair of gal pals that live in my head for the rest of my life. They’ve had this win sewn up since I first saw the movie in August, but there was still plenty of competition. Do Revenge is probably my unofficial runner up - those twists and turn and goops and gags and outfits!

FAVORITE SERIES

WINNER: Before Trilogy (3/3)

FINALISTS:

The Godfather (3/3)

Hell House, LLC (2/3)

Wong Kar-wai’s Love Trilogy (3/3)

X/Pearl/Maxxxine (2/3)

God, what can I say that hasn’t already been said about Richard Linklater’s Before trilogy? It’s just two people talking, but it’s perfect!

THE THANKS! I HATE IT! AWARD

WINNER: Whiplash (2014) dir. Damien Chazelle

FINALIST: Fall (2022) dir. Scott Mann

This new category is for movies that are good, but I hate them anyway! And there’s no movie that quite fits that bill like Whiplash. What an incredible work that I never wanna see again. Or dwell on for long here.

BIGGEST SURPRISE

WINNER: Halloween Ends (2022) dir. David Gordon Green

FINALISTS:

Brothers (2009) dir. Jim Sheridan

The Invitation (2022) dir. Jessica M. Thompson

Nerve (2016) dir. Henry Joost & Ariel Schulman

Uncle Peckerhead (2020) dir. Matthew John Lawrence

NOMINEES:

Fall (2022) dir. Scott Mann

Hatching (2022) dir. Hanna Bergholm

Hello, My Name Is Doris (2015) dir. Michael Showalter

Kissing Jessica Stein (2001) dir. Charles Herman-Wurmfeld

The Lost City (2022) dir. Adam Nee & Aaron Nee

Valentine (2001) dir. Jamie Blanks

After Halloween Kills won Biggest Letdown at last year’s Mackolades, I went into Halloween Ends with rock bottom expectations, but was pleasantly surprised! From the opening scene it showed it was completely different from any Halloween movie that came before it, and I was mostly delighted by what followed. It’s far from the best Halloween, and has some major problems, but it’s leagues ahead of Kills, and that alone win it Biggest Surprise for me.

BIGGEST LETDOWN

WINNER: Doctor Strange In The Multiverse Of Madness (2022) dir. Sam Raimi

I’ve engaged in a fair bit of MCU hate over the last few years, but I’ve held onto the belief that I’d probably enjoy them if I gave them a chance and just didn’t think too hard about it. Well... I guess I was wrong. I really thought I’d like this, the trailers looked interesting and Sam Raimi has a pretty good track record with me. But yeah... Martin Scorsese was right, these are just flashy theme park rides. Absolutely zero substance worth engaging with. What a disappointment, for me and for general culture. Anyway, somehow this was the only movie I watched in 2022 that I went into with expectations that were significantly let down, and I figured I’d give it its own multiverse of mediocrity with the myriad of posters available.

FAVORITE LEAD ACTRESS PERFORMANCE

WINNER: Cate Blanchett, TÁR (2022)

FINALISTS:

Mia Goth, Pearl (2022)

Janelle Monae, Glass Onion (2022)

Keke Palmer, Nope (2022)

Michelle Yeoh, Everything Everywhere All At Once (2022)

NOMINEES:

Jessica Chastain, The Eyes of Tammy Faye (2021)

Sally Field, Hello, My Name Is Doris (2015)

Natasha Lyonne, All About Evil (2010)

Lesley Manville, Mrs. Harris Goes To Paris (2022)

Thandiwe Newton, God’s Country (2022)

Anya Taylor-Joy, The Menu (2022)

Okay I have to bullet point this one so I can talk about all the finalists.

Cate is THE performance of the year for me. Her take on Lydia Tár is nothing short of amazing - even from the opening scene, with that TED Talk-like scene where she just talks about music for a few minutes, had Brendan and me grabbing each other and whispering in the (otherwise empty) theater about how breathtaking her performance was. I can’t believe I’m giving her lead actress two years in a row (out of three total!) but she really does deserve it.

Brendan and I loved Mia Goth in 2020′s Emma, but she reached new heights in X and, in particular, Pearl. The monologue! The face journey! The everything else! She’s now on the We’ll See Anything She’s In list, and I can’t wait for MaXXXine.

Janelle! I don’t have as much to say for her, but damn she picks projects well! Incredible lady and fantastic performance(s) in Glass Onion.

Keke - #ReleaseTheSpinCut! What a joy.

Okay I adore Michelle Yeoh and if Cate doesn’t win the Oscar I hope it’s hers. Truly wonderful and deserves everything good that’s coming her way right now.

FAVORITE SUPPORTING ACTRESS PERFORMANCE

WINNER: Hong Chau, The Menu (2022)

FINALISTS:

Jamie Clayton, Hellraiser (2022)

Courtney Cox, Scream (2022)

Stephanie Hsu, Everything Everywhere All At Once (2022)

Brittany Snow, X (2022)

NOMINEES:

Margaret Cho, Fire Island (2022)

Tovah Feldshuh, Kissing Jessica Stein (2001)

Vanessa Hudgens, tick, tick...BOOM! (2021)

Andrea Martin, My Big Fat Greek Wedding (2002)

Alia Shawkat, Being The Ricardos (2021)

Tandi Wright, Pearl (2022)

Hong Chau is another 2022 addition to the We’ll See Anything She’s In list, and she got an Oscar nom for the other one! Yay! But this is about my favorites, not objectivity, and I prefer her in The Menu. What a treat! I don’t have much to say about the finalists and nominees that wouldn’t require this becoming far too long, so I’m just gonna move on.

FAVORITE ACTOR PERFORMANCE

WINNER: Paul Dano, Little Miss Sunshine (2006)

FINALISTS:

Marlon Brando, The Godfather (1972)

Austin Butler, Elvis (2022)

Alton Brown, Elvis (2022)

Ke Huy Quan, Everything Everywhere All At Once (2022)

NOMINEES:

Rohan Campbell, Halloween Ends (2022)

Ralph Fiennes, The Menu (2022)

Andrew Garfield, tick, tick...BOOM! (2021)

Robin de Jesús, tick, tick...BOOM! (2021)

Haley Joel Osment, Sassy Pants (2012)

Conrad Ricamora, Fire Island (2022)

I started watching Little Miss Sunshine for Toni, but I remember it for Paul, particularly the sequence pictured above. Special shoutout to Alton Brown for stealing the show for a scene or two of Elvis (a difficult task when Austin Butler’s Elvis is present!)

THE TONI “SHE HAS THE RANGE” COLLETTE AWARD FOR MULTI-GENRE EXCELLENCE

WINNER: Jim Carrey, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)/Sonic The Hedgehog (2020)

FINALISTS:

Jamie Dornan, Barb & Star Go To Vista Del Mar (2021)/Belfast (2021)

Idris Elba, The Dark Tower (2017)/Sonic The Hedgehog 2 (2022)/Three Thousand Years of Longing (2022)

Jenna Ortega, The Fallout (2021)/Scream (2022)

Tilda Swinton, Burn After Reading (2008)/Constantine (2005)/Three Thousand Years of Longing (2022)

I mean, Jim Carrey was basically born to play Dr. Robotnik, and when you contrast that with Eternal Sunshine, well, that’s basically what this category is for!

THE CARLY RAE JEPSEN “SHE MAKES MY BLOOD FEEL CARBONATED” AWARD

WINNER: Elaine Stritch, Original Cast Album: Company (1970)

During the Ladies Who Lunch sequence of the Company documentary, I must’ve turned to Brendan at least three times to say “I love being gay” - Elaine’s an icon and a queen and I hate I didn’t get into theatre soon enough to appreciate her while she was alive. (NOTE: If I’d started this category a year earlier, Carol Channing certainly would’ve gotten it for the documentary Larger Than Life, and it felt wrong to not mention that here)

HOTTEST DADDY

WINNER: Russell Crowe, The Nice Guys (2016)

FINALISTS:

George Clooney, Solaris (2002)

Guillermo Diaz, Bros (2022)

Thomas Forbes-Madison, The Lost City (2022)

David Harbour, Violent Night (2022)

NOMINEES:

Daniel Craig, Glass Onion (2022)

Idris Elba, Three Thousand Years of Longing (2022)

Ethan Hawke, The Black Phone (2022)

Martin Henderson, X (2022)

Peter Sarsgaard, The Batman (2022)

Bradley Whitford, tick, tick...BOOM! (2021)

Someone ask me what kind of guys I like. I dare you. I downloaded six entire movies to get enough usable shots of these men - definitely the most work I did for any single category.

Anyway, that’s the 2022 Mackolades! 65 movies honored (or dishonored) from an eligibility pool of 205. Now you know what I love - any recommendations of what to watch in 2023?

[wifelinkmtg]

gotta get back. back to the present samurai jesent

*wh-cha*

I am ten goddamn sets behind but I have to catch up because we’re almost back to The Horniest Goddamn Plane In All Of Magic Canon (that’d be New Phyrexia, babes!) and if I don’t cover that in uncomfortable detail, then what was this blog even for? We got some ground to cover, so let’s get going.

CORE SET 2021

Good news! Unlike Core Set 2020, this one isn’t a complete wash!

Indulging Patrician (art by Miranda Meeks)

Meeks giving vampire-fuckers exactly what they want here. Rose-tinted diaphanous silks & equally-diaphanous bats, the delicate damask patterns, the bridal carry, the victim’s languid pose, the collarbones, the blood - but for me, it’s the contrast between the vampire’s self-possessed hauteur and the trickle of blood down her throat that really makes this work.

Liliana, Waker of the Dead (art by Anna Steinbauer)

Liliana almost always makes the list, of course, but usually she gets here through raw displays of power and dominance. Steinbauer’s taken a different tack here, though, constructing this pastoral idyll centered around Liliana as a Gothic heroine. Is that sharp-edged pensiveness hesitation? Regret? Whatever it is, it’s a vulnerability we don’t usually get to see with her. This is easily, easily my favorite Liliana. It’s also about forty percent more Audrey Hepburn than typical, which. Yeah, that works for me.

KALDHEIM

man i just really do not care for the art direction in Kaldheim if I’m being honest. “viking plane” has a lot of potential and most of the art here is well-executed i just can’t help but feeling like the briefs the artists were given were kind of half-assed. like they have gods of DEATH and FEAR and they just look like whole foods hipsters. still, though! couple of hot valkyries.

Eradicator Valkyrie (art by Tyler Jacobson)

You really have to appreciate when someone just fully commits to a vibe. She could have stopped with the corpse paint and the black and gold everything but she went that extra mile for the blue flame wings and the smoldering pillar of the damned.

Youthful Valkyrie (art by Anna Steinbauer)

Yeahhhhh, I knew I could count on Steinbauer to deliver something ineffably sapphic. Hot, broody warrior angel fits the bill. Thank you for your service as always, ma’am.

HONORABLE MENTION: Jorn, God of Winter (art by Magali Villeneuve)

I gotta give credit where credit is due: in one of the drier sets in a very neutered Magic the Gathering era, Villeneuve has made a god who one million percent fucks. This rules.

STRIXHAVEN: SCHOOL OF MAGES

You know, I figured there’d be more candidates at wizard college, if for no other reason than there’d be more girls with glasses - but no, not even Goth Entomologist House OR Bitchy Poet Vampire House produced a single hit between the two of them. Here’s what we do get:

Professor Onyx (art by Kieran Yanner)

Liliana Vess: MILF professor version. I don’t need to say more than this, the scenario writes itself. Still, I do wanna pause and note the shoulder battlements. This is a woman who knows the value of fortifying gun emplacements, by which, yes, I do mean her tits.

Dragonsguard Elite (art by David Rapoza)

Oh yeah this is genuinely horny. Big owl glasses, perfect facial features, picturesque windblown hair, a dramatic display of power, those curves. I’ve really missed art that manages to be self-indulgent but not boring. More of this!

ADVENTURES IN THE FORGOTTEN REALMS

I have a great deal of resentment about the D&D crossover sets in terms of flavor. You can’t make Lolth, Zariel, and Mordenkainen planeswalkers in Magic canon and then be like oh well but no not really it’s not like they can go to Ravnica or something like that. Motherfucker then they’re not planeswalkers! You didn’t even bother to make Lolth hot! That was a fucking slam dunk! Three different D&D sets and you didn’t even include a single marilith!

I could keep going, at great length, but instead I’m choosing to be responsible and talk about the hot girls.

Ingenious Smith (art by Nicholas Elias)

I’m going to confess to spending an unspecified-but-lesbian amount of time watching Simone Giertz build weird shit on youtube. This scratches that same primal dyke itch of wanting to watch a clever, funny woman make something with her hands, but with bigger biceps.

Djinni Windseer (art by Livia Prima)

Look, man, sometimes what you want is a hot blue lady in a tornado.

Kalain, Reclusive Painter (art by Justine Cruz)

Cruz is almost a complete newcomer to Magic the Gathering here, which is really impressive because Kalain is the clear stand-out of this set. I personally wouldn’t choose to paint in my finest red doublet, but obviously this is a deficiency in my commitment to the Byronic artist Aesthetic. Obviously I don’t glower intensely enough. Obviously I don’t dress enough like a mildly-genderfluid Prussian vampire. Rest assured Kalain will be making none of these rookie mistakes!

I genuinely have so much gender envy about Kalain, holy shit.

OKAY progress made. This was the tail end of the drought. We got two Innistrad sets next, and whatever else you wanna say about those sets, I’m pretty sure we get more hits in even just one of them than we did in the four sets covered here together. Next time we got: girls accessorizing with bones, girls accessorizing with snakes, Hot Crossbow Autumn, woman laughing alone with shovel, dog mom, and so, so many vampires.

[thesinglesjukebox]

SZA - "KILL BILL"

Don't worry, we don't have another Drake song this year...

[6.21]

Alfred Soto: The cognoscenti know we've praised any number of hellion anthems from Gretchen Wilson's to Miranda Lambert's, but none of them rode the top ten last spring for months like "Kill Bill" and none of them included the line "I just shot my ex/Not the best idea" in a singsong as dangerous as an asp. SOS has more poignant tracks, and CTRL a wider palette, but on "Kill Bill" and a dozen others SZA projects the clarity and limpidness of a Saoirse Ronan. [8]

Jacob Sujin Kuppermann: By sheer listening volume alone, my song of the year. Every morning from January through to mid-April I would wake up and almost instantly put on "Kill Bill" -- early-morning walks, showers, opening batteries of emails, all soundtracked by that ambivalent synth figure and those boom bap-lite drums. And yet I'm still not quite sure if "Kill Bill" is good; I've certainly listened to it more than any other SZA track, but would I defend it over any of the best songs off of Ctrl? Probably not -- it's too pat, too impressed by the cleverness of its own hook. But the qualities that annoy me about "Kill Bill" now are what endeared it to me in the first quarter of the year. In the bleakness of winter, a pop hit so niftily constructed (those guitars! the cute little switch in the last chorus! that hilarious faux-Jacob Collier choral breakdown!) was a little shard of joy. [7]

Michael Hong: SOS felt like such a step down from CTRL, a bunch of fragmentary ideas primed for Instagram captions. "Kill Bill" is murmured with the notion that any of these lines could work; with such a shrug of an instrumental it's wholly unremarkable. [3]

Joshua Minsoo Kim: I'm not asking for SZA to lay bare all her anxieties in the way she did across Ctrl, but SOS was the sort of record whose pathos felt market-tested. It was sprawling and more assured in its songwriting, but in ways that sanded down her personality. Never was that more clear than on "Kill Bill," whose chorus is sung with a wink, meant to offset the more conversational tone of her verses. It lopes around with a decorum that does nothing but make her confessions more cerebral (derogatory). The arc of the melody telegraphs it all, prim in a way that invites one to consider the dissonance. It's not interesting or clever or insightful, and SZA's best songs are all those things without sacrificing immediacy. "God forbid an artist evolve," someone might protest. Okay... we're talking about a high-concept Tarantino track here. [3]

Katherine St Asaph: This is nice, but I'm worried it will result in Quentin Tarantino learning the word "yandere." [6]

Harlan Talib Ockey: Remember that TikTok of Shakira singing along to this while mopping a carpet? [8]

Oliver Maier: SZA as cardboard cutout, hawking an unimaginative conceit that pales next to any number of other songs she has penned on the subject of jealousy and a topline so beneath her that it should have remained undiscovered in the Marianas Trench. When "Mad at Disney" feels like a fitting analogue, tonally and melodically, then there is a real problem. How'd she get here indeed. [3]

Wayne Weizhen Zhang: SOS is a 23(!) track album, and "Kill Bill" is a squarely middling track, albeit one with an engaging, gimmicky premise. It's great to see SZA finally get a radio hit, but I prefer the morning coffee intimacy of "Snooze," mediative affirmations of "Good Days," rizz of "Low" or "Conceited," frenetic energy of the title track, or even the Maroon 5 sleaze of "F2F." [7]

Nortey Dowuona: SZA so fundamentally surpassed the game back with CTRL that her simply deciding to drag the R&B world kicking and screaming into the mainstream, even actually pushing rap back into the background, means she regressed. And by "regressed," I mean making the best pop single of this year and last year. It speaks to the unadventurous nature of the industry and its defenders that SZA is comfortably playing on a radio station right now or streaming somewhere in this world rather than the many better or more critically approved-of R&B stars like Victoria Monét, Ari Lennox or...no actually, who? If SZA dropping a weaker pop album that comfortably beats the best in all genres is her on a B-game... what the fuck are we doing? As a critical class, we're not supposed to be a recommendation service but a group of folks honestly engaging with the art, and even being harshly critical of it from time to time. But if we think that SZA put out a lesser album than her last one and became a superstar, maybe we shouldn't even give her the time of day and cover Jaz Karis all day everyday forever, cuz otherwise we have to say this song ain't it and wait for the SZA stan army to show up in our bergs to attack us for not recommending her but instead engaging with her. And quite frankly, nobody else this year in this genre who got recommended to me (even Sampha) wrote a lyric as good and catchy as "rather be in hell than alone." [10]

Jonathan Bradley: I would prefer a song toying with murder to be sharper in execution than these concussed musings. "I'm so mature, I'm so mature" is a funny line, but SZA is so intent on mumbling her way through the rest of this boom-bap soup that not even that gag lands properly. A warped gramophone melody plays along the way; surely this strain of toy-goth eccentricity expired with the rest of Melanie Martinez's career. [5]

Ian Mathers: Not sure how much the fanbases of SZA and Olivia Rodrigo overlap, but surely the "I'm so mature, I'm so mature" and "not the best idea" here got talked about in the same way we've been talking about some of the lines/line readings from Rodrigo's singles, right? Right??? [8]

Brad Shoup: The louder the volume, the more the production sounds like a headcold. But I can put up with it for her refrain, which is positively baroque. [6]

Taylor Alatorre: One of the few singles from (roughly) this year that feels Important in the classicist, Rolling Stone sense: for its high-concept nature, its of-the-moment relevance, its place in the murder ballad lineage, and its instantly immortal sign-off lyric. The producers take no swings for the fences here, and their woozy and vaguely off-kilter feel lets the message mostly speak for itself, rather than risk pointing to a contradictory one. You could criticize SZA's phrasing or tone for seeming not to recognize the gravity of the subject matter; such criticism won't hold water among those for whom "showed no remorse" is a familiar journalistic cliché. And while it's easy to play up the true-crime angle, the way that "Kill Bill" interprets the tragedy at is core is more interesting than that. More than mere "mind of a killer" exploitation, it invites us to consider that one of the lives lost to a murder is that of the murderer herself, and that the death of the victim is also the death of every other choice or circumstance that could have led to a different outcome. [8]

Leah Isobel: Babe, get a better therapist. [5]

[Read, comment and vote on The Singles Jukebox ]

[byondtheveil]

Mistaken Identity

Stepping off the dock a young redheaded woman moved her sunglasses from the top of her head to over her eyes before stretching. It was a bright sunny day, she had some shore time and planned to fully enjoy it. With her tote bag over her shoulder she headed into town. It was a lovely day. She had looked around at some tourist spots, had lunch, and was now doing a bit of shopping. Currently at a small roadside market she was looking over some jewelry. "...Are you sure you don't have anything smaller?" She questioned, a colorful bracelet in hand. The vender shook his head now and she frowned, debating in her head. "Well... Maybe it would fit Amy..." She said softly to herself, figuring she would just buy it for her roommate and hands over a bill to the man. "Oh no you can keep the change." She waved her hand at the man when he tried to give her back the change and just moved along.

A few moments later a young woman came up to her, scarf round her head. "Hello I'm sorry to bother you, but I couldn't help but overhear you were looking for a smaller bracelet. I think the one I bought is too small. Would you like to trade?" The bracelet the woman was holding out was way more exquisite than the one she bought. Hell some of the jewels even looked real! "A-Are you sure? I mean I don't-" "Of course dear! Here lets see if it fits." The woman suddenly took her by the hand not even giving her time to jerk back and slipped the bracelet over her small wrist. "See it fits! You have a lovely day!" "Wait but don't you want the... well that was weird..." She mumbled quite confused as the woman ran off without even taking the other bracelet. Looking down at the bracelet on her wrist she shrugged. Boy did this trump Amy's iguana story.

She had continued on with the rest of her day without incident. Little did she know trouble was soon to find her. It was later in the evening and she was standing on a street corner waiting for her GPS to update so she could finish her trek to the restaurant for dinner. The ship had a 10pm curfew and while it was only 8 she wanted to be able to enjoy her dinner with enough time to get back. "Miranda... Miranda you bitch! I see you!" While she had heard the man yelling, her name was not Miranda and there was a few other people around so she thought nothing of it. "Miranda! Answer me!" A yelp escaped her lips as her shoulder was suddenly jerked back to show a shorter, angry looking back. Instantly she took a step back. "Sir my name is not Miranda you have the wrong person!" She said in a stern voice, hoping that this would detour the man. However he seemed to be just as angry. "You can't fool me you tricky bitch! Your dumb ass is wearing it out in the open!" He grabbed her wrist holding it up. 

Well fuck, of course it was too good to be true. Trying to yank herself away she glared at the man. "I bought this thank you very much!" Well not exactly but now was not the time to get into details.  "Yea Yea you bought a 15 million dollar bracelet in this shit hole!" Her face paled at number. What the actual fuck was going on. "I I swear I have no idea what you are talking about just take it!" She yelled, wiggling her arm trying to get loose. "Yea I'm taking it, and you to this is the last time you steal.. HEY HEY BITCH GET BACK HERE!!" In the time the man was ranting she had managed to wiggle her arm loose, leaving him with just a bracelet. Booking it she didn't bother stopping. Whatever the fuck was going on she did not want to be a part of it. Bolting down a few roadways she made a turn onto to run into something hard. Not even having time to look up a sharp pain shot thru her body and her vision went black.

@buchananbarnes1991

[tragedyinblue]

Faceclaims for Inheritance

New updates are in the works, but for now please enjoy some FCs!

Chase (C47) - Mike Faist wasn't my first choice until I saw screenshots of him (these two specifically) as Dodge Mason in Amazon Prime's show, "Panic."

Miss Abbie (Abigail Cooper) - @angst-after-dark and I deliberated on FCs for our feisty old ladies. The ones I’d suggested for Abigail had cleverness and confidence, but not a lot of sweetness/vulnerability. Then Vee swooped in with this amazing find and that was that. (Photo credit to Igor Gavar)

Sarah Grisham, Abigail’s (living) daughter - I searched Pinterest for a middle-aged career woman and Miranda Otto popped up immediately. Not only does she resemble Abigail's FC, her expressions here matches Sarah's vibe.

Lyle Grisham - I needed a face that could pull off charming, shady, egotistical, and the name “Lyle.” 😅 This shot of model Gert Rappenecker fit the bill.

Taglist: @maracujatangerine @octopus-reactivated @dislexiher @whumpzone @cupcakes-and-pain @i-eat-worlds

[royalreef]

       Meanwhile, she is still waiting for some dashing knight to come by, her true love, to sweep her off her feet and take her away and save her!! To go someplace far, far away where she can live happily forevermore! Someone has to still be holding out for a hero, and Miranda is all too happy to fit that bill.

[americano-psycho]

Add Carrie Underwood to the list as well. Yes, she is mainstream and has a label with expectations but she still has quite a few songs that are of the story telling variety. Two Black Cadillacs, Blown Away, and Before He Cheats are a few. She also has a song with Miranda Lambert called Something Bad that also fits the bill.

Dixie Chicks are also good. Also look up the songs The Night The Lights Went Out In Georgia, and The Ballad Of Billie Joe.

Everyone may *think* they hate country music, but when Jolene, Before He Cheats, Take Me Home Country Roads, or Life is a Highway comes on, everyone is suddenly a liar.