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bloody-bee-tea · 4 years ago

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A story in three parts

Interlude

First part

I have an easy plan, I said. I have it all figured out, I said. Three parts, dusted and done, no problem at all, I said.

I think not, this story said, and proceeded to throw some unnecessary relationship drama at me.

This chapter is very NieLan heavy. Content warning for in-book level of violence.

Nie Mingjue is humming under his breath as he prepares dinner. It’s Jiang Cheng’s favourite, and while Lan Xichen had sent him a knowing look when he saw what Nie Mingjue was making, Nie Mingjue didn’t pay him any attention.

He is not spoiling Jiang Cheng. At least not since the bruises and cuts on his face have faded.

This is just because Madam Yu summoned Jiang Cheng to Lotus Pier and Nie Mingjue knows that such summons always leave Jiang Cheng unsettled and upset and he wants to do something nice for him.

It has nothing to do with spoiling him, Lan Xichen’s glances be damned.

“Get out of my kitchen if you keep looking at me like that,” Nie Mingjue eventually grumbles under his breath and it makes Lan Xichen laugh before he darts over to press a kiss to Nie Mingjue’s cheek and then he leaves.

Finally Nie Mingjue can concentrate on making their dinner.

He’s mostly done by the time his phone rings and when he sees that it’s Nie Huaisang, Nie Mingjue quickly wipes his hands before he accepts the call.

“Di-di,” he warmly says, but he tenses when he isn’t met with an answering “Da-ge”.

Something must be wrong then.

“What is it?” Nie Mingjue asks, using the tone that used to make his people quiver with fear usually, but Nie Huaisang is silent for a moment longer before he finally speaks.

“Lotus Pier is burning,” he then says and Nie Mingjue’s entire body goes cold even as his mind struggles to understand the words.

“No, it’s fine, Wanyin went there today,” he tries, but his voice is already trembling, his body clearly understanding what Nie Huaisang’s words mean even if his mind is still struggling with it.

“Da-ge, it’s burning. No one came out, there are said to be no survivors.”

“Who?” Nie Mingjue demands to know, because this is easier to think about than the fact that there are no survivors. He doesn’t pay attention to the sick feeling in his stomach. “Who did this?” he asks, even though he damn well knows who did this.

“The Wens,” Nie Huaisang predictably says and Nie Mingjue has to grab for the counter so he doesn’t collapse right then and there.

The Wens took his father and now they took his heart.

“He could have made it out,” Nie Mingjue says, his voice shaking but Nie Huaisang is relentless.

“They would have captured him if he did, and they would be bragging about it, heir or not. They say no one survived. And they were all there. They—” Nie Huaisang winces on the other end, but Nie Mingjue snaps at him to speak.

He needs to hear this.

“They strung up Jiang Fengmian and Madam Yu,” Nie Huaisang eventually whispers and Nie Mingjue closes his eyes at that.

He never respected them as parents, but they were formidable fighters and leaders and to hear that they are being treated like this is wrong.

“If they had Wanyin they would do the same to him,” Nie Mingjue tries.

“If he survived the initial attack he would be trying to get them down,” Nie Huaisang shoots back and Nie Mingjue knows he’s right.

Jiang Cheng never liked his parents much, but they are his parents. He wouldn’t allow this.

“Huaisang,” Nie Mingjue whispers, desperate beyond anything he knows, but Nie Huaisang doesn’t have any comforting words for him.

There is no comfort if his heart is gone.

“I have people here, keeping an eye on things. If he somehow made it out, or if he will make it out later, they will know and they will get him, but--it’s not looking good,” Nie Huaisang whispers and it’s incomprehensible to Nie Mingjue what just happened.

The entire Jiang Clan, including Wei Wuxian, wiped out just like that, in one fell swoop.

“He survived,” Nie Mingjue says, because he cannot believe anything else, because his heart cannot simply be taken from him as easy as that.

It’s not right.

“I’m sorry, da-ge,” Nie Huaisang gives back and the fact that he’s not even arguing with Nie Mingjue, that he’s so damn sure that everyone is dead, tells Nie Mingjue just how serious this is. “You should go to the Cloud Recesses,” Nie Huaisang suddenly says. “I have our side handled and the Jins are unlikely to be attacked but the Cloud Recesses—” he trails off there, but Nie Mingjue knows what he wants to say.

The Lans are not weak and Lan Qiren and Lan Wangji are doing a great job at leading their Clan, but ever since Lan Xichen put down his sword they have changed. They are not quite as ruthless anymore, not as dangerous and everyone knows it.

If the Wens want to go against another Clan as well, the Lans are the obvious choice. And the Wens are the most powerhungry Clan Nie Mingjue knows.

“Understood,” Nie Mingjue forces out and then he hangs up on Nie Huaisang.

This he can do. Protecting the Cloud Recesses means being in action and that is something Nie Mingjue knows how to do. There will be time to think about the rest later.

“What’s wrong?” Lan Xichen suddenly asks, having made his way back to the kitchen, clearly alerted by Nie Mingjue’s tone. “You sounded upset.”

Nie Mingjue doesn’t want to say it; if he says it, it might be real after all, but he has to. No matter what it will do to Lan Xichen. He deserves to know.

“That was Huaisang,” Nie Mingjue starts with.

“Is he alright?” Lan Xichen asks immediately and Nie Mingjue nods at that.

“It’s Wanyin,” he whispers and watches as Lan Xichen’s face goes pale. “Lotus Pier is burning. The Wens attacked it. Huaisang says there are no survivors.”

Nie Mingjue would love to add that Huaisang is probably wrong, that he must have missed something, but Nie Mingjue didn’t transfer the role of leader over to Nie Huaisang because he misses things.

If he says there are no survivors then there are none. Nie Huaisang’s intel is always impeccable even if Nie Mingjue does not want to believe it. And by the gods, does he not want to.

“No,” Lan Xichen whispers and when he staggers Nie Mingjue rushes forward to pull him into his arms.

He isn’t sure who of them is shaking—or if maybe they both are—but they are definitely both clinging to the other.

“Our heart is not dead,” Lan Xichen mutters eventually and Nie Mingjue longs to agree with him but he’s not sure he can.

He made it a point a long time ago to never lie to Lan Xichen and he can’t force the words that would soothe him past his lips.

The silence weighs heavy on them but eventually Lan Xichen pushes Nie Mingjue away.

“Mingjue, our heart is not dead,” he says, with more vehemence, but Nie Mingjue presses his lips together.

“Tell me that he is not,” Lan Xichen begs him, fisting his hands in Nie Mingjue’s shirt and Nie Mingjue covers them, but he can’t find his words.

Wen Ruohan killed his father who was a much more accomplished fighter than Jiang Cheng was and there is no way Jiang Cheng could have survived if Wen Ruohan or even Wen Xu went to Lotus Pier. There might be a chance that he managed to outwit Wen Chao, but if it was him who went to burn it down, then Wen Zhuliu was surely by his side and he is just as dangerous as Wen Ruohan and not just because of his special ability.

Nie Mingjue fought him once, just once, and he can still feel his bones rattling from his hits, even though Wen Zhuliu never managed to touch him long enough to burn his core.

“Huaisang says the Cloud Recesses are next,” Nie Mingjue says eventually, not answering Lan Xichen and going by the hard glare in his eyes he noticed.

“How can you be this unaffected if our heart—if he’s—” Lan Xichen tries to say, but he can’t even bring the words past his lips.

Nie Mingjue wants to yell at him that he’s far from unaffected, that he couldn’t ever be anything but completely and entirely devastated just thinking about Jiang Cheng being dead, but then Lan Xichen cradles his face in his hands and when he brushes his thumbs over Nie Mingjue’s cheeks, he realizes that he’s crying.

“My soul,” Lan Xichen brokenly whispers and when his face crumbles Nie Mingjue’s heart shatters right with it.

He can’t be dead. Jiang Cheng cannot be dead. He promised to not leave them alone, to stay away from his family and the business, to be safe and happy with them, and he promised it.

He cannot be dead. It’s not possible. Nie Mingjue wouldn’t know what to do if he is.

“The Cloud Recesses,” Nie Mingjue eventually croaks out, because he can’t think about this.

If he thinks about it, he’ll break and then he will be useless. And there is still something to do.

“Okay,” Lan Xichen agrees, clearly only humoring Nie Mingjue, but he’s thankful for it anyway.

Lan Xichen steps away from Nie Mingjue—something he can barely stomach, because if he steps away Nie Mingjue can no longer touch him, can no longer keep him close to protect him—but then he stops.

“It wasn’t a simultaneous attack,” Lan Xichen slowly says, a frown on his face. “They went to Lotus Pier first and then they’ll move to the Cloud Recesses,” he muses and then his face goes hard. “They will be there.”

Before Nie Mingjue can say anything to him, Lan Xichen leaves the kitchen, probably to retrieve Shuoyue, but when he comes back, Nie Mingjue freezes. Lan Xichen has Shuoyue at his side, but he holds Liebing in his hands.

“My light,” Nie Mingjue croaks, because Lan Xichen promised him to never use Liebing again.

Lan Xichen is deadly with Shuoyue; he’s downright catastrophically destructive with Liebing.

“They went to Lotus Pier first,” Lan Xichen says again and his voice is cold and detached.

Nie Mingjue hoped to never have to hear him sound like that again.

“The same people who—who did that are going to the Cloud Recesses. I will not—they have to die,” Lan Xichen tells him and Nie Mingjue agrees, of course he does, no one who dared to lay a hand on Jiang Cheng is allowed to continue living, but he never wanted this.

It was a struggle to get Lan Xichen away from the brink the first time and Nie Mingjue holds no illusions that he only managed it because of Jiang Cheng and if their heart is really gone, Nie Mingjue is going to lose Lan Xichen as well.

“They have to die, Mingjue,” Lan Xichen repeats, clearly daring Nie Mingjue to disagree, to start a fight over this, but Nie Mingjue can’t.

He wants them dead as well and his heart is bleeding. There’s nothing he can argue about.

“I’ll get Baxia,” he only says, leaving Lan Xichen in the kitchen as he retrieves his own weapon.

Baxia is singing in his hands, clearly excited to be used again after being discarded for so long, and Nie Mingjue takes a deep breath as he promises her blood.

“Let’s go,” he says to Lan Xichen when he comes back, but Lan Xichen is already impatiently waiting for him.

“I wrote Wangji, they should be ready,” he informs him and Nie Mingjue nods, even though he’s reasonably sure that Nie Huaisang informed them already.

Their trip to the Cloud Recesses is quiet; neither of them feel like talking, both stewing in their own thoughts. Not a word passes between them when they get to the first buildings of the Cloud Recesses and see them ablaze in flames, but whenever they spot a Wen, they move flawlessly together, and Shuoyue and Baxia sing as they are drenched in blood.

It doesn’t take them long to fight their way through to where they suspect Lan Qiren and Lan Wangji to be and they are proven right when they walk in on an intense stare down between Lan Qiren, Lan Wangji, Wen Xu, Wen Zhuliu and Wen Chao.

Nie Mingjue is kind of glad that they are not fighting already, because he itches to kill them himself.

“I see you are so weak that you need help from retired fighters?” Wen Chao snarls and Nie Mingjue tightens his grip on Baxia.

Lan Xichen appears to be completely calm at his side, his stance open and relaxed, Shuoyue resting easily in his hand, already sheathed again, while Liebing is tucked into his belt and Nie Mingjue worries.

He can tell that Lan Xichen is on the brink of losing it, of giving in to the bloodlust completely, and he takes a step closer to Lan Xichen.

“Aren’t you missing someone?” Wen Chao says as he narrows his eyes at them, a deranged smile passing over his face. “I seem to remember you running around with a third useless person,” he says and then pretends that he has to think for a moment.

“Oh, right, I forgot. It was the Jiang boy, right? Ups,” Wen Chao laughs and slaps his thigh, clearly thinking himself to be hilarious. “He will no longer be around,” he tells them once he calmed down and Nie Mingjue clenches his teeth.

“Shut up,” Wen Xu says with an eyeroll, but he seems pleased too and Nie Mingjue is going to kill them, no questions asked.

“If it makes you feel better, he was stubbornly defiant, right until the end,” Wen Chao conversationally says. “At least until I brought the whip out. Couldn’t stay all stoic then.”

Lan Xichen has turned to complete stone at Nie Mingjue’s side, while Nie Mingjue is boiling with rage.

“Shut up,” he snaps, unable to help himself, but of course that only spurs Wen Chao on.

“He did well for the first hit, but when I was done, he was barely able to scream anymore, could only whisper to beg me to spare his life. I’d say you should give him a proper burial, but with how he looked, I’d advise for a closed casket.”

Wen Chao leans forward, clearly not realizing that he’s this close to being painfully murdered himself and he whispers “And that was before Wen Zhuliu got his hands on him.”

Nie Mingjue makes a pained noise at that, because he has seen Wen Zhuliu in action, has seen what his special power does to the people, and Nie Mingjue is going to lose his mind just thinking about the fact that Jiang Cheng might had to live through that.

“Oh yeah, that was fun,” Wen Xu agrees and Nie Mingjue turns his eyes on him before he looks at Wen Zhuliu, who seems as stoic as ever.

“You’re dead,” Lan Xichen says, his voice ice-cold, and before Nie Mingjue can blink Lan Xichen moves.

He’s just a blur for a moment, at least right until there’s a sickening crunch as a breath is punched out of Wen Chao. Lan Xichen rammed his sword into his chest, not even bothering to unsheathe it; he just plunged Shuoyue in there, relying on pure, blunt force to make his way right through Wen Chao’s ribs.

It’s not a painless death, that’s for sure.

Wen Xu and Wen Zhuliu are still trying to understand what is happening by the time Nie Mingjue moves and before they can even move a muscle, Baxia swings in a wide arc, followed by two heads.

Their bodies make a satisfying sound as they drop to the ground and Lan Xichen kicks Wen Chao in the stomach to get his corpse off his sword.

“Brother,” Lan Wangji says from behind them, but Lan Xichen only has eyes for the dead man before him.

“My light,” Nie Mingjue tries and steps closer to Lan Xichen, Baxia still dripping blood to the ground, just like Shuoyue.

“He’s not dead,” Lan Xichen finally says, not taking his eyes off Wen Chao, and Nie Mingjue takes in a shuddering breath.

If even half of what Wen Chao said is true, it would be a kindness if Jiang Cheng were dead and Nie Mingjue hates himself a little bit for even thinking that, but some nights he still has nightmares about the blood curdling screams of his father’s men who had the misfortune to get too close to Wen Zhuliu.

He does not want Jiang Cheng to experience that kind of pain.

“I trust you can handle the rest here?” Lan Xichen demands to know suddenly, slightly turning towards his family and when Lan Qiren nods with a sad look on his face, Lan Xichen walks away, Shuoyue dripping a bloody trail behind him.

Lan Qiren waits until Lan Xichen is out of earshot before he turns to Nie Mingjue.

“I’m sorry for your loss,” he formally says, but Nie Mingjue can see the grief in his eyes.

Lan Qiren always did like Jiang Cheng.

“Thank you,” Nie Mingjue presses out and then bows slightly to Lan Qiren. “I’ll do my best to bring him back,” he promises him, aware that he already failed by losing Lan Xichen to the bloodlust yet again, but Lan Qiren only reaches out to squeeze his hand.

“He will return for you,” Lan Qiren says as if there couldn’t be a moment of doubt about that and Nie Mingjue does not have the heart to tell him differently.

Nie Mingjue will not be enough; they only got Lan Xichen back last time because of Jiang Cheng and if he’s dead then Nie Mingjue doubts that there is anyone else out there that will manage the impossible like Jiang Cheng did.

Still, Nie Mingjue nods jerkily and then walks away, trusting Lan Wangji and Lan Qiren to have the affairs of the Cloud Recesses handled, now that the Wen brothers and their faithful dog are dead.

He doesn’t have to be a genius to know where Lan Xichen has gone to and so Nie Mingjue makes his way to Lotus Pier.

Or rather what’s left of it.

Nie Huaisang did a great job of cleaning up after Wen Chao and Wen Xu—dead Wens almost as numerous on the ground as the Jiangs—but of course there was nothing he could do to save the place.

Lotus Pier is just a smouldering ruin at this point and Nie Mingjue’s heart bleeds when he sees it.

Lan Xichen is standing at the entrance of Lotus Pier, simply staring inside and Nie Mingjue steps up next to him.

“There’s no body,” Lan Xichen says. “Madam Yu and Jiang Fengmian have been found, but there is no sign of Jiang Cheng or his siblings,” Lan Xichen says and Nie Mingjue closes his eyes at that.

It’s a relief—of course it is, because it means there’s still hope—but it’s also a curse, because Lan Xichen will not let this go if there’s no body to be found.

“Xichen,” Nie Mingjue tries, but he falls silent when Lan Xichen whirls around to him.

“No,” he hisses. “There is no body, that means he’s not dead. It’s as simple as that.”

Nie Mingjue clenches his teeth, because the throb of hope in his chest is dangerous, but he nods anyway.

“Okay,” he whispers and prays to all the gods he knows and doesn’t believe in that Lan Xichen doesn’t break when they do find a body.

That he doesn’t break, either.

~*~*~

Life without their heart is different and much more difficult than it has any right to be.

It almost feels like Lan Xichen and Nie Mingjue are out of tune, like they no longer know how to be just the two of them with the knowledge that Jiang Cheng will not come home to them after work.

Nie Huaisang keeps them updated about Lotus Pier, and he of course has people out looking for the Jiang siblings, but every time he reports back to them it’s with the same news.

They didn’t find a hair of the three.

Lan Xichen always only just nods at that, because it still means there’s no body; it still means there is hope but Nie Mingjue is steadily losing that hope.

The longer Jiang Cheng stays missing the worse his prospect looks. The only ray of hope is that it doesn’t seem like Wen Ruohan got his hands on Jiang Cheng, because he’d be sure to boast about catching him.

Lan Xichen goes out almost every night now; Nie Mingjue doesn’t want to ask how he manages to appear fresh and rested at work, because he fears he won’t like the answer. Especially since he himself is very much not fresh and rested at work, seeing as he accompanies Lan Xichen on his trips, mostly to keep an eye on him.

He doesn’t use Baxia more than he has to, but it’s still too much for his liking, especially since he left this life behind. But Lan Xichen is adamant on going out, adamant that he has to find Jiang Cheng and kill every Wen that crosses his path and Nie Mingjue doesn’t have the heart to tell him not to.

He understands the urge to go out and fight against those that took their heart away from them, even as he tries to keep it in check as best as he can.

It’s enough if one of them loses themselves to the bloodlust again.

But what’s surprisingly more difficult than watching Lan Xichen succumb to the bloodlust again is living without Jiang Cheng there with them.

It’s the small things that trip Nie Mingjue up; the fact that no one will be coming home at five, like clockwork, or that there is no humming from the bathroom.

Nie Mingjue can’t even think about making the food he wanted to make for Jiang Cheng on that fateful day, and just the thought makes his stomach turn.

The one time Lan Xichen suggested Jiang Cheng’s favourite as their dinner, Nie Mingjue screamed for a whole five minutes at Lan Xichen before he walked out on him.

They didn’t sleep in the same bed that night.

And that’s something else that Nie Mingjue finds increasingly difficult: sleeping in the same bed.

Not because he doesn’t love Lan Xichen anymore, but because there is a huge gap between them now, a gap where Jiang Cheng used to be.

Lan Xichen and Nie Mingjue no longer know how to fit together, it seems, because Jiang Cheng was always in the middle, and they both cuddled up to him. On the rare nights that they do have time to cuddle now, Nie Mingjue finds himself thinking that Lan Xichen doesn’t fit into his arms like Jiang Cheng used to, that he’s too tall, too muscular, too tense, to ever give the impression that it could be Jiang Cheng and Nie Mingjue doesn’t know what to do with that.

Some nights it’s easier to simply not cuddle at all. At least like that Nie Mingjue’s heart doesn’t continuously break.

~*~*~

Months pass like that, with little to no change, and Nie Mingjue feels exhausted down to his bones. Lan Xichen still insists on going out most nights, and as soon as they step out of their apartment he becomes Zewu-Jun.

Nie Mingjue thinks he can count himself lucky that Lan Xichen is able to shed that part of himself at the door, because at home he is still Lan Xichen, though a few of his more cruel streaks find their way into their everyday life as well.

Nie Mingjue prays to all the gods he knows that Lan Xichen at least remembers to keep up appearances at work, though he’s not sure how well Lan Xichen manages that because he gets increasingly short-tempered and snappish.

There are no news of Jiang Cheng or his siblings, and Nie Mingjue knows the odds of ever seeing him alive and well again, especially in their line of work and after this much time.

Nie Huaisang still keeps an eye out, more as a favour to Lan Xichen than out of any real hope and with every new update that tells them no news at all, Nie Mingjue grows more resigned.

They still keep Jiang Cheng’s things as if he would come in through the door any moment now, and Nie Mingjue doesn’t know if it’s hurting them more than it helps, but he can’t bring himself to pack all of Jiang Cheng’s things up.

Not even to mention that Lan Xichen would never forgive him if he should do it, and so Nie Mingjue endures every stab of pain he gets when he looks at Jiang Cheng’s things. His favourite hoodie thrown over the couch as if Jiang Cheng will come back to pick it up and slide it over his head every moment, no matter that it has long ago stopped smelling like Jiang Cheng.

His toiletries are still in the bathroom, as if he will ever have need for a tooth-brush and shampoo again. Jiang Cheng’s pyjama are still in the middle of the bed, as if he could materialize into them at any moment and be sandwiched in the middle, like he should be.

Nie Mingjue feels like crying every time he notices one of these small things, but he also can’t bring himself to throw any of them out.

They are all he and Lan Xichen have left of Jiang Cheng after all. Some days Nie Mingjue thinks that these things are also the only thing that keep Lan Xichen at his side.

But the weeks drag on like this and with every passing day it feels like Nie Mingjue is losing more and more of Lan Xichen, as if not even the ghost of Jiang Cheng is enough to keep the bloodlust at bay.

It feels like it did before they found Jiang Cheng; there’s more and more of the cruel Zewu-Jun and less and less of Lan Xichen to be found and Nie Mingjue doesn’t know if he can do this again.

If he can survive losing Lan Xichen so shortly after Jiang Cheng.

Nie Mingjue has to admit that the answer is a very resounding no, when the days drag on and he loses a little bit more of Lan Xichen every time they go out, until it feels like there’s nothing left for Nie Mingjue to lose anymore.

Nie Mingjue doesn’t want to say anything, doesn’t want to face that particular fight but everyone has their breaking point, after all and Nie Mingjue’s comes with a broken mug.

He doesn’t mean to—of course he doesn’t mean to—but when he puts the dishes away, he takes Jiang Cheng’s favourite mug out, so that it doesn’t get buried behind dozens of others.

Seeing the mug brings Nie Mingjue a fair amount of pain, but not seeing it might even be worse, so he intends to put it at the very front of the row, like he always does. It used to stand there when Jiang Cheng was still around because he was using it daily, and Nie Mingjue is not about to change that.

Everything is going well, like it should be, until Nie Mingjue reaches out for the mug to put it back as well. He doesn’t even know how it happens; he hasn’t dropped anything in ages, but one moment the mug is standing innocently on the counter and the next it’s falling.

Nie Mingjue has good reflexes—he proves that time and time again when he goes out with Lan Xichen and protects his back—but he can do nothing but stare as the mug falls.

He jerks when it hits the ground, instantly shattering into way too many pieces and Nie Mingjue can’t tear his eyes away from it.

He’s only barely aware that Lan Xichen comes into the kitchen, no doubt alerted by the noise but Nie Mingjue definitely notices when Lan Xichen freezes.

“What did you do?” Lan Xichen hisses, his eyes just as glued to the broken mug as Nie Mingjue’s, and it’s only his hostile voice that makes Nie Mingjue look away from it.

“It was an accident,” he whispers, fighting back the tears that are stinging at his eyes.

It was a puppy shaped mug and Jiang Cheng liked to look at it more than he actually liked drinking out of it. He had a habit of filling it up with coffee or tea and then simply forgetting it, more content to have the mug be around than anything else and Nie Mingjue cannot believe that he broke it.

“What is he going to do when he comes back?” Lan Xichen demands to know and Nie Mingjue feels weary down to his bones.

“He’s not coming back,” Nie Mingjue whispers, because it’s been almost a year now and there is not even a single clue about Jiang Cheng’s whereabouts.

“He is not dead,” Lan Xichen says, for what feels like the millionth time and Nie Mingjue isn’t strong enough to have this conversation again.

So he simply turns around and walks away from Lan Xichen, who seems unwilling to just let him leave.

“Do you even care about him? Or did you only love him for what he did for us?” Lan Xichen wants to know, his voice bordering on cruel and Nie Mingjue stops dead in his tracks.

It feels like Lan Xichen slapped him and Nie Mingjue feels cold all over. Nie Mingjue owes Jiang Cheng a life-dept for what he did for them—for what he did for Lan Xichen—but he loves him for a million different reasons.

And Lan Xichen should know that.

“Do you care about me?” Nie Mingjue gives the question back, but he can’t quite bring himself to turn around and look at Lan Xichen.

Nie Mingjue thinks he knows what the answer to that question is, and he’s not ready to see it on Lan Xichen’s face.

“Or did he replace me so thoroughly in your heart that I no longer matter to you?”

“Mingjue,” Lan Xichen whispers and Nie Mingjue is honestly surprised to hear the pain in Lan Xichen’s voice.

It gives him hope, for a short moment, but then Lan Xichen falls silent again and Nie Mingjue’s heart sinks to the bottom of his stomach.

“I see,” he presses out, and then continues to walk away from Lan Xichen.

He doesn’t call him back and Nie Mingjue is not about to give him any more chances, at least not today, and so Nie Mingjue finds himself on the street in mere minutes.

He didn’t take Baxia—barely remembered to put on shoes at all—and without the usual goal of finding and killing some Wens, there’s only one real place Nie Mingjue can go to.

Nie Huaisang does not seem surprised to see him at all, but his eyes do widen when he takes in Nie Mingjue’s appearance.

“What happened?” Nie Huaisang snaps, clearly already going into crisis mode, and Nie Mingjue wishes this was something Nie Huaisang could do for him, that there was something to fight, but there’s not.

“I’m not sure if Xichen still loves me,” is what Nie Mingjue says to Nie Huaisang and then he can’t speak anymore, because his tears and sobs are choking him.

He already lost Jiang Cheng and didn’t get to grieve for him because Lan Xichen is so adamant in his belief that he is still alive, but now it seems like Lan Xichen is also slipping through his fingers and it’s just too much. All of his grief and pain come to the forefront now and they completely overwhelm Nie Mingjue.

Nie Mingjue is not too sure how they end up on the couch with Nie Huaisang petting his head, but Nie Mingjue feels raw and hurt and he’s not inclined to leave just yet or move ever again. At least here, nothing can hurt him.

“He loves you,” Nie Huaisang says long after Nie Mingjue’s last tear fell and Nie Mingjue immediately tenses.

“You don’t know that. You haven’t seen him lately,” Nie Mingjue whispers, his voice cracking when he remembers the cold look in Lan Xichen’s eyes and how the only time he seems to be filled with any feeling at all—even if it is murderous rage—is when they talk about Jiang Cheng or go after Wens.

“I do, because he’s here,” Nie Huaisang lowly gives back, not ceasing his calming motion of carding his fingers through Nie Mingjue’s hair. “He called me around half an hour ago.”

“Oh,” Nie Mingjue whispers, because he didn’t even notice that.

“I told him to wait in another room, because I wanted to check with you first, but he seemed frantic. He said you left after a fight.”

“A fight,” Nie Mingjue huffs out, because that could barely be classified as a fight. “I don’t think he cares enough to actually fight with me,” Nie Mingjue whispers and Nie Huaisang makes a thoughtful noise.

“Well, he seems to care enough about you to fight with me,” he finally gives back and Nie Mingjue looks questioningly at him.

“What do you mean?” he asks when Nie Huaisang doesn’t seem inclined to answer and Nie Huaisang gives him a small smile.

“You were still in the middle of your breakdown when he called me,” he easily says, “and I wasn’t inclined to let him meet you when he is the cause for this, so I told him to get fucked,” Nie Huaisang says with a shrug. “He didn’t take that well and yelled at me for about five minutes before he argued me half to death as to why he has to see you. Jiang Cheng’s name only fell once, I counted,” Nie Huaisang reassures Nie Mingjue, who finally sits up.

“What do you think?” Nie Mingjue asks his brother, because he does usually have a better insight into people’s minds than Nie Mingjue does.

“I think he loves you. I think it’s easier for him to only concentrate on the Wens because it gives him something to do and a front to hide behind. I think he’s afraid he’s going to lose you, too, and that maybe that non-fight you were having was the push he needed.”

“You think I should forgive him.”

“I think you should talk to him and see what he has to say. Maybe even make him work for it,” Nie Huaisang corrects him. “I don’t want you two to break up, because I saw what losing Jiang Cheng already did to you, but if he doesn’t remember how to love you, then I will kill him myself,” Nie Huaisang then says, and Nie Mingjue has to smile at that, because that’s much more like his brother.

“Fine, I’ll see him,” Nie Mingjue eventually says with a smile and Nie Huaisang gives him a thumbs up.

Nie Mingjue has to admit that even the fact that Lan Xichen came for him and didn’t just wait it out does wonders to reassure him and set his fears that maybe Lan Xichen doesn’t care for anyone else but Jiang Cheng at rest, but he has to hear him say it as well.

And Lan Xichen clearly has to hear that this whole thing hasn’t been easy on Nie Mingjue either, if his callous words are anything to go by.

Nie Huaisang leaves and a few moments later Lan Xichen steps into the room. Nie Mingjue doesn’t bother to stand up, or try to look even a little bit more presentable, and going by how wide Lan Xichen’s eyes get, he makes quite the miserable sight, though it only lasts a second before Lan Xichen puts a mask over his face.

Nie Mingjue forgot long ago that Lan Xichen used to be an expert in shielding his emotions, and he doesn’t like being reminded of this at all. He thought they were long past this.

“Are you coming back?” is the first thing Lan Xichen asks him and Nie Mingjue wonders if what Nie Huaisang said is even true.

Lan Xichen doesn’t seem ready to fight for Nie Mingjue, but instead he seems ready to go out and kill some Wens again. He doesn’t even seem to want to talk. Lan Xichen has Shuoyue in his hand and death in his eyes, but Nie Mingjue can’t do this, not anymore.

Nie Mingjue is tired.

“I’m not,” he says, from his position on the couch, and he can’t even bring himself to look at Lan Xichen, can’t stomach to see the cold, detached look on his face, can’t stomach to see that Lan Xichen is so very clearly done with them.

But even if Lan Xichen is about to shatter Nie Mingjue’s heart into thousand pieces, he’s not supposed to be this. His light is supposed to laugh and be happy.

“So you truly don’t care,” Lan Xichen harshly says and at that Nie Mingjue’s head snaps up to him.

“I care so goddamn much that it feels like it’s tearing me apart,” he hisses at Lan Xichen. “But I can’t do this. I’m not strong enough to lose you so shortly after Jiang Cheng and I certainly can’t watch it happening.”

“You’re not losing me,” Lan Xichen says with a frown and Nie Mingjue can’t help the bitter laugh he lets out at that.

He is definitely losing Lan Xichen if he can’t even tell Nie Mingjue that he still cares about him, there’s no way around that.

“Xichen, look at you. There’s nothing left of you, it’s all Zewu-Jun. And I’m not strong enough to bring you back. I haven’t been the first time and I wouldn’t even know where to start this time, with how you don’t even seem to care about me anymore. What good am I to you if I can’t even do that?”

“What?” Lan Xichen asks and Nie Mingjue puts his head in his hands.

“I don’t know how to get you back without him, I no longer know how to make you care about me, and I don’t know how I’m going to survive losing both of you,” Nie Mingjue whispers and he startles when Lan Xichen sits down next to him and pulls him into a hug.

Nie Mingjue freezes because this amount of contact hasn’t happened in weeks and he doesn’t want to spook Lan Xichen into pulling away.

“I came back for you,” Lan Xichen whispers and he sounds choked up. “That first time, I came back for you, and I can do it again,” he promises him, but Nie Mingjue knows better than to believe empty promises.

“Don’t lie to me, Xichen, that only makes it worse,” he bitterly says, but Lan Xichen is relentless.

“It was you, it was all you. I came back for you, our heart had little to do with that,” he promises Nie Mingjue, but it’s hard to believe, especially when Lan Xichen doesn’t seem to care about him at all anymore.

Nie Mingjue still remembers the first evening they met Jiang Cheng, remembers how Lan Xichen’s eyes were glued to him the whole evening, and it was immediately afterwards that Lan Xichen began to soften again.

Jiang Cheng had managed to do in one evening what Nie Mingjue had failed to do for months and what he’s failing to do now.

“I thought you wanted them dead, too. I thought you wanted justice for Wanyin and the Jiangs as well,” Lan Xichen says, without letting go of Nie Mingjue.

“I do,” Nie Mingjue immediately says, because he does want to see every last Wen dead. Not if it has to be a trade, though. “But I want to keep you more. I want you to love me again” he finishes and Lan Xichen sighs.

“I have always loved you,” he whispers and Nie Mingjue wants to believe him so badly, but he doesn’t know if he can. “Why didn’t you say about the other things, though, my soul?” he softly asks and Nie Mingjue immediately feels like crying because Lan Xichen hasn’t sounded like this in a long time.

“I’m not enough for you,” Nie Mingjue whispers, because that is something he had been forced to accept with every inch Lan Xichen slid closer to being Zewu-Jun.

“You’re my everything, my soul!” Lan Xichen insistently tells him. “What use is there for light in the eyes and a beating heart if there is no soul to make it worth it?” Lan Xichen wants to know and Nie Mingjue wants to believe it—he does—but the way only Jiang Cheng kept Lan Xichen tethered to his sanity speaks volumes to him.

“Just come back to me,” Nie Mingjue says, clutching at Lan Xichen’s arm, because he can’t say anything to what Lan Xichen tries to make him believe.

“I’m here,” Lan Xichen promises him and presses a kiss to his temple. “And I won’t leave you again, I’m sorry, my soul,” he goes on and Nie Mingjue hopes that he can believe him, at least this time.

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#bt writes #the untamed #mdzs #mingxicheng #mafia au #angst #hurt no comfort #yet #violence #murder #missing person #grieving #please remember that this is not tagged as mcd #and it's still mingxicheng #even though this is mostly #nielan

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