#mine that i bought off a friend is fucky

[vacia-archive52400]

who would donate to me an old DS

[the-bjd-community-confess]

Big TW: mental health, si/sh, suicide mentions/discussion

Mod: Compiling all the anon responses to one post from last week into this one, so anyone who is sensitive to this topic can scroll happily by.

This might be particularly intense reading for the Anon it’s in reply to, so only open the post if you feel like it Anon. They replied/updated on the original confession also (I think it’s the same Anon), and imo they were just venting in their original post and it was not made with bad intentions.

Thank you Anons for submitting your varied perspectives and insight on this topic.  ❤️

are you fucking kidding me? if your cope is a bjd that's fine, but here's the thing, buy a cheap legit!!! Or buy your fucking recast and enjoy it in silence instead of trying to legitimize it! Having a mental illness does NOT give you a free pass to be a asshole nor absolve you of the consequences of your own actions. Signed, someone who actually acted out on their suicidal ideation but thankfully didn't succeed.

~Anonymous

Mod: I’m glad you’re ok now Anon ❤️

"Don't be mean to anti artists because they might unalive themselves?" Ok. Now make the post saying "don't spit in the face of the artists who make this hobby possible and support the theft of their work because crushing their spirit and breaking their heart might make them unalive themselves." Or maybe you're just playing favorites in your suicide narrative?

~Anonymous

https://true-bjd-confessions.tumblr.com/post/649109294780907520/tw-suicidal-ideation-before-you-bash-someone-or I hope you realize that you are committing actual gaslighting with that. And just to be sure that people don’t think I’m just claiming this to deflect. In this specific case, I’d say it’s the: Gasligthing of someone spreading information, in an attempt to make someone doubt their own judgement (of a situation, or their own morals). There are other additions to the definition, like, over time gaslighting, or questioning ones own sanity, and memories, but I was just going to point out this one, or one part of gaslighting. Since it really sounds like it wants the reader to doubt their own morale judgement, about a situation, by inserting a very emotional, and serious topic, and pushing the idea of the persons opinion is going to cause someone’s death. Basically: What you are doing is gaslighting people into questioning their own judgments, and deliberately pushing them into the idea they might cause someone’s self harm, and subsequent death, if they dare, openly, hold a bad opinion, about recasters, and recast buyers. I would also like to just openly say that I find it incredibly gross to use topics of suicide, to guilt trip people, and it really sounds like a way to play the oppression game. You could just have mentioned how bullying people is wrong for owning recasts, something that is known of, and even frowned on by many, but instead, you used suicide as a tool, and even clearly use it, with no actual situation backing it, just to guilt trip, and make sure to try and make the person into being a bad person, just for holding an anti-recast stance, just because someone owning a recast might be suicidal. With this point: “ Your words might be that one drop that… ” you are literally shifting the blame to the anti-recaster, or a much larger issue a person suffer. Which isn’t only ridiculous, but also incredibly damaging to people who might suffer this mental state. Honestly, I’ll just say it again, using serious stuff, ranging from abuse, verbal-physical-sexual, to self harm, and in this case: suicide, just to make people feel bad, because they disapprove of your fake doll, is incredibly manipulative, and disgusting, because you’re using the specific topic of suicide, to just further a personal agenda. I’m not really sure what else to say. Using suicide to push this agenda, is incredibly disgusting, and even if you suffer from thoughts of self harm, it’s not the way to go, to pull strangers into this, and basically blame them for these actions. You also clearly didn’t seem to think, what implying blame to another person, or group of people, might do to their mental state. If you suffer from thoughts of self-harm, please call the suicide hotline, or try contacting, or receiving help. This links has a FEW numbers for suicide hotlines, and if you ever think you might need it, one call can help you find help. https://ibpf.org/resource/list-of-international-suicide-hotlines/

~Anonymous

I want to rebound on the confession with a suicide ideation. As others pointed out, it's not because you are unwell (as in clinically depressed) that you cannot be called out for your bad behavior. However,  bullying is never acceptable in my book. Never. Being called out isn't harassment. Cyber bullying and threats, however, are harassment and are more illegal as, let's say, owning a counterfeit. Two wrongs doesn't make a right and some people must remember this. I've seen it too much.

~Anonymous

It's SO nice to see that Shit-posts and Vic3mage are pro-suicide. Yes recasts are theft but that should NEVER be an excuse to verbally abuse someone to the point of wanting to commit suicide or self-harm. "That's on YOU." So what you're saying it that this type of behavior is okay? It's disgusting.

~Anonymous

Ok, so, I’ll just say it straight, or gay for those who need that. If you use suicide to guilt trip people about disliking recasts, you’re an asshole, like, goatse levels of asshole size. What is it with people, and using the most extreme examples, to try and make others the villains? It sounds really fucky, to put recasts, and the dislike of them, in the same situation suicide blaming. If someone said that for the opposite side of things, would you, or other recasters agree with the sentiment of: “You as recasters, and pro recasters, are to blame, for sculptors, and artists not being able to feed themselves, and considering suicide. Your actions, might be the last drop for them to do it.” This is just an example to show how fucked up it is to say that by the way, if it was the other way around as well. Would you agree with this? Would you think it’s fair? Would you accept the blame if that happened? Would you say that recasters, and pro recasters, are the reason someone is “at the brink”? Oh you do mention that people should get help, sure, but it in no ways justifies the absolutely 1 guy, 1 jar level of butthurt you show, when pushing the idea that anti recast people might cause someone to end it, just because they’re vocally against recasts.

~Anonymous

Anon from the depressed recast confession from earlier. Thanks to the mod for the kind words and support. And thank you for the comments. I understand your point. But you don't seem to understand mine. I've owned this recast for a few years. I bought it second hand from a friend that got me into the hobby and didn't really understand the whole recast legit thing back then. I just really loved her collection and wanted to be part of her hobby, so I was more than happy when she offered me one of her dolls. I have changed her face-up and built a story around the doll. I put a lot of own effort in.

It wasn't like "Oops, I feel depressed. Guess I'm gonna buy a recast on the internet to piss people off and harm artists. My depression justifies this action", no. I just think telling someone they ain't worth shit, telling them "kys" and witch hunting them aren't the right way to go. You don't know anything about that person except "they own recast. bad person". For exactly that reason I think it might be good to just block them, or explain to them without any hard feelings if they don't know anything about recasts. They're still human beings worth of life. Maybe talk to them on a respectful level to understand each other better. Sorry for the long confession or if it upsets anyone, that's not my intention.

~Anonymous

[awafflenamedhaji]

This is my first time making some x reader here in tumblr so please bare with my grammar and some mistakes😣😣

Yamaguchi x !fem!reader

You, Yamaguchi and Tsukishima are friends since kids and have been together till now

You and Tsukishima are cousins but you both have different personality (at this point I don't even know where he got his salty personality from)

You live in the same roof as Tsukishima since your family's house is far

You and Yams have a thing for each other but too afraid to confess to one another

Tsukishima always drops hints (like all the time) that you both like each other but just plain stupid to realiz,e he's the bridge of your relationship

"Tsukki!! Why'd you order me crispy fries?! I like them soggy you know!" Yamaguchi yells while pouting at Tsukishima who is grinning widely while staring at me

"Yams you can have mine! It's a bit crispy but there are some soggy ones!" I slid my fries onto his front and took the fries that Tsukishima bought

"Ha! It must be nice to have y/n's soggy fries huh?" Tsukishima then had a smug smile plastered on his face "Maybe she made them soggy on purpose—" I threw a wet wipe on Kei's face that smudged his glasses "WHAT THE— WHY'D YOU THROW THAT AT ME?!" Now it's my turn to have a smug smile on my face

"There was oil on your mouth and I was just helping you out cousin, you don't like oil on your mouth don'tcha?"

"Hey hey! Quit it you two, people are staring!" Yamaguchi whispered and looked at the both of us

"Ugh, I'm just gonna leave, have fun on your date" What the fuck is his problem

"D-date?! Tsukki what do you mean—" Yamaguchi hurriedly tried to catch up with Kei

"And y'all just gonna leave me here with your leftovers?"

.

.

.

"Hey Kei?? Ya hear me? Hello???" I poked his side and to my surprise, he's ticklish there

"Oh my oh my! Kei's very ticklish on his sides huh??" I smirked while trying to tickle him

"Stop it will you?! Or I'll tell Tadashi that you like him!" W-what??! NO HE CAN'T KNOW

"NO NO NO I'M SORRY FOR DISTURBING I JUST WANT TO KNOW HOW TO SOLVE THIS!" I bowed to him and waited for his response

But to my dismay as I look up he has this smile that I can tell that he is planning on something

"Then you'll do anything I say? Is that a deal or not?" He took off his headphones and waited for my response

"W-well it depends on... what you are planning" I looked away at him and started fidgeting my hands

"You'll have to confess, well maybe not really confess but make him answer if he is interested into dating you"

"ARE YOU NUTS OR JUST FREAKING CRAZY?!? WHAT THE HECK KEI, YOU KNOW THAT HE ISN'T INTERESTED!!"

"How would I know? You two are like beans in a pod that you can't even separate" He was satisfied with my reaction so he went back to what he was doing

I swear for the love of Asajesus I want to kick this tall stick's ass and send him to the fucking sun

"Ugh I'd rather get buried than say to Yams that I like him" I played with the pen that was just lying on the desk the whole time

"Suit yourself, don't blame me if you get that problem wrong, I offered you a good deal yet you refused" THIS GUY—

.

.

The next day my homework got returned to me and of course... I need to redo it

"Kei..." I tapped his shoulder

"Hm? You failed? Sucks to be you" He smirked and went back to dozing off to his “wonderland”

"Ughh just hear me out!! I accept your deal!" His eyes opened

"Then go ahead, there's an hour for you to go and confess"

"WAIT... YOU MEAN RIGHT NOW??!?! I'M NOT READY YET!"

"Take it or leave it, I'll be waiting" Ughh after that I ran to the cafeteria to find a grayish-green haired boy with freckles plastered on his face

"HAHAHAHAHA! Don't tell me that.. you spitted your orange juice on her blouse? Poor her she gotta wash that hard to take the stain off!" He laughed while talking to Hinata and Kageyama at the corner

"We'll I was surprised so I accidentally spat the juice at her!"

"Yams!" I called out and they immediately turned their heads at my direction

"Oh hey y/n! What's up? Is there a problem?" I huffed "I just need to excuse you for something urgent, umm you don't have to wait for Yams here bye!"

I held his wrist and dashed out of the cafeteria and of course we went to our usual spot where me Kei and Yams always go to

"Umm... so Yams uhh.. you see uhh I've been meaning to... ask you something" What the heck why can't I just talk like a normal person

"Yeah? What is it? I hope it's not hard to answer though hahaha!"

"Uhmm...." I fidgeted "A-are you... by any chance uhmm.... interested in you know.... in getting into a relationship" He looked at me in confusion and thought about what I asked

He blushed "N-no.. not really.." He's saying no but his face does..

"O-oh really? Hahaha! Uhmm is there someone you like? Like, like romantically?" He nodded in response and looked away

"Yeah... She has been for a long time had make my heart skip a beat"

"H-ha! Now I've got a chance to pass that freaking homework! Let's go? Kei might be waiting at the classroom" I stood up with a gloomy face, not even sparing a glance at Yamaguchi

"Ooh.. okay.... why did you ask though?" He got curious and of course I'm dumb and told him

"N-nothing... It was just a dare Kei made me do.. Just forget about it!"

Dead silence. Yes we're not talking to each other until I asked him

"Have y.. you asked the girl out?"

"No..."

"Why not? I mean I know she'll like you too! I mean who wouldn't want a fluffball like you?"

Who wouldn't like an amazing guy like you?

I looked at him and he was as red as a tomato, and it's so freaking adorable

"U-uuuh~ Can w-we drop the topic?"

...

I guess he doesn't like talking about someone he likes to me

(Istfg they're so dumb, but Yams is cute)

We have reached our classroom with silence, I've got no chance huh?

The day just went like how it used to, me listening to the teachers, taking notes and everything except when it's time to go back home

"Kei I'm going home early, don't ask why" He looked at me with a not so concerned look

"Uhh okay? Want me to tell Yamaguchi?"

"Nah, he's not interested about that anyway, oh and don't forget about the deal, Imma head out"

.

.

.

I heard the door closed and so I took my notebook and pen and set it to his table

The door opens and he squinted at the sight

"What are you doing in here? Get out"

"HEY! I DID YOUR STUPID DEAL AND GUESS WHAT I GOT INDIRECTLY REJECTED! NOW GET YOUR ASS IN HERE AND HELP ME WITH MY HOMEWORK"

He rolled his eyes and settled in beside me

"The fuck? Where'd you get these answers from? Are you nuts?" HOW RUDE

"Not my fault his teaching was hard to understand" I scoffed

"Well if you're not dumb you'd get the answers right, anyone can solve this y/n"

"Ugh fine fine just teach me already!"

"Later, I need to wait for him" Him?? Is he expecting someone?

"Gomen Tsukki! I was adoring the cat outside so I got in late!" He opened the door panting, he still hasn't noticed me

"Uhm.. I-I'll just watch how to solve it, I'm going back to my room" I packed up my things and was about to stand

"I thought you wanted me to teach you? Since I'm teaching you two the same thing I called him here" He smirked

But I want to avoid him.. for the mean time

"Nevermind that, I'll just ask you something else, later Yamaguchi" I left Kei's room and went straight to bed

Ughh I can't face him like this, I'm just gonna take a nap and do my assignment later

.

.

"Uhmm.. Y/n I'm sorry, but I don't feel the same way, I hope we can still be friends though..." I teared up

"Y-yeah it's alright, I'm not really expecting you to reciprocate my feelings so it's okay!"

No it's not okay, not okay..

I love you but you don't love me..

"LWHWIAKKAGSI" I woke up to see Yamaguchi's face close to mine

"OH MY FUCKI— OWW!" I bumped my forehead in his

"AH! I'M SORRY Y/N! I DIDN'T MEAN TO SCARE YOU! I WAS JUST GOING TO WAKE YOU UP!! GOMEN!!" I massaged my forehead "N-no it's okay! I was just s-surprised that you're here..."

"Tsukki said I should wake you up.. I'm really sorry! Ahh look at your head" He quickly touched my forehead and my heart starts to beat faster

"It has a bump! I'M REALLY SORRY!!!! I'M GETTING YOU SOME ICE!" He's leaving... this is your chance to confess or else you won't be able to get things off of your chest

"W-wait.." I held his shirt and started to get red

"What is it? Does it hurt? Fuck I'm sorry!" He took his hand off of my head

"N-no.. it's.. uhh.. ilikeyou..... so.." I mumbled "What? I can't hear you" Oh god this is embarrassing

"I like you Yams— I mean.. *sigh* You don't have to say anything, I'll just get the ice.. You can go back to Kei.." I said it... though this will be a one sided— "I l-like you too... y/n.. I like you a lot... I m-mean like lot, a lot more than anyth—" I hugged him

I don't want him to see my face, I'm so flustered that I just hugged him without hesitating

"Finally! These dumb dorks" Kei looked at us with satisfaction

"Y-you! You planned this huh?" I stood up and started to hit Kei's arm

"Ow! Well at least you won't have to sulk in this dark room of yours!"

"What do you mean dark?? This is called style you uncultured salt!"

"WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME?!?"

"I CALLED YOU AN UNCULTURED SALT! GOT A PROBLEM??"

"Hey hey don't start bickering, I'm going to teach her Tsukki so do you mind if you know.. you could-"

"Go back to your room and start listening to your weird music!" I pushed him to his room and went back to my “dark room” he said

"C'mere, I'll teach you the easy way" He sat down on the floor and started to scribble on my notebook

I wiggled my way to his lap and leaned on Yams

"H-hey! It's hard to teach if y-you're leaning on me!" I chuckled "You'll get used to it! Now teach me!"

----------------------------------

so yeah the ending is crap (○ﾟεﾟ○)

[chaosamplified]

1: the meaning behind my url: chaoSAMplified. because it has Sam in it and Sam is my name (half of my name? I have 2 names now) and also because I thought I was really cool when I made it

2: a picture of me: my profile pic

3: how many tattoos I have and what they are: I have 0 currently

4: last time I cried and why: Wednesday because I was drunk and I listened to Mariana’s Trench

5: piercings I have: 2 lobe piercings in each ear but i only wear them in 1 ear

6: favorite band: Fall Out Boy

7: biggest turn offs: Republicanism

8: top 5 (insert subject): Anon didn’t give me a subject. Feel free to give me subjects lmao

9: tattoos I want: I want to get my t date on my arm (once I have a t date), something large on my left thigh and a lil ghost somewhere

10: biggest turn ons: I don’t even know I’ve had the same crush for like 5 years and the one other person I’ve had a crush on since then (maybe still do? Idk) is veryyyyy similar to him so uh. I literally don’t know

11: age: 18, 19 in 17 days!

12: ideas of a perfect date: Realistically like going to cedar point together just the two of us, idealistically like going on a week long road trip to the other side of the country and visiting the ocean

13: life goal: Get a Grammy

14: piercings I want: I don’t think I want any more

15: relationship status: Single and trying too hard

16: favorite movie: Nobody has an actual answer to this question. I guess I’d say The Imitation Game

17: a fact about my life: I had a personal protection order against someone at age 12? Idk

18: phobia: I’m a fearless bitch

19: middle name: Alexander 🤙

20: height: 5’1” for all of eternity

21: are you a virgin: Virginity is a social construct developed to slut shame women. Also as a Gay Trans that word has very little meaning at all

22: what’s your shoe size: 7

23: what’s your sexual orientation: We just went through this. Gay

24: do you smoke, drink, or take any drugs: I have smoked weed but don’t really enjoy it, never smoked cigarettes, yes drink, have lots of prescription drugs

25: someone you miss: Max :(

26: what’s one thing you regret: Not talking to my mom for 6 months in 2012

27: first celebrity you think of when someone says attractive: First of all I think of a person I know, not a celebrity. But Halsey is hot as hell. I’m so gay but Halsey man

28: favorite ice cream: Raspberry

29: one insecurity: b o o b

30: what my last text message says: From me: yeah no prob 🙂👍. From someone else: ok cool thank u lol

31: have you ever taken a picture naked: hnnnnng yeah

32: have you ever painted your room: I didn’t but my dad and sister painted mine while I was in France

33: have you ever kissed a member of the same gender: (I’m using gender instead of sex because sex is fucky): Yes a couple of ems

34: have you ever slept naked: Of course

35: have you ever danced in front of your mirror: Every single time I drink if I’m being honest

36: have you ever had a crush: Always

37: have you ever been dumped: Lots of times :-)

38: have you ever stole money from a friend: No but Charlie paid for a ton of my laundry once and I still have to pay him back

39: have you ever gotten in a car with people you just met: YES my boyfriend at the time was about to leave me at this place outside after an event but instead I got in this van with a whole bunch of his friends I didn’t know it was a mess

40: have you ever been in a fist fight: No I’m a bottom

41: have you ever snuck out of the house: Only once and it was to go with max to meijer at midnight and he bought a nerf gun and we shot at each other in his car in the michaels parking lot until like 2am and I have absolutely no regrets it’s still one of the best days of my life

42: have you ever had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back: I’m gonna say yes but also I’m not entirely sure how he feels so like. Probably yes

43: have you ever been arrested: No

44: have you ever made out with a stranger: No

45: have you ever met up with a member of the opposite gender somewhere: Yeah Alessandra and I just had lunch the other day. Jk I know what this is implying and I’m extremely gay and also no

46: have you ever left the house without telling your parents: This is the same as number 41

47: have you ever had a crush on your neighbor: Define neighbor?

48: have you ever ditched school to do something more fun: On my 16th birthday I stayed home so my dads girlfriend at the time could give me blonde highlights (yikes)

49: have you ever slept in a bed with a member of the same gender: Yeah

50: have you ever seen someone die: No

51: have you ever been on a plane: Yes!

52: have you ever kissed a picture: Yikes probably

53: have you ever slept until 3: I hate that you say this like it’s a challenge, I do this at least 4 times a month

54: have you ever loved someone or miss someone right now: Yes and yes

55: have you ever laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by: Yes

56: have you ever made a snow angel: Yes

57: have you ever played dress up: It was my favorite thing when I was little (plot twist I’m trans now)

58: have you ever cheated while playing a game: Probably (ps I lose)

59: have you ever been lonely: Always

60: have you ever fallen asleep at work/school: So many times

61: have you ever been to a club: Yeah Lio and I went to Necto once lol

62: have you ever felt an earthquake: Yes! I was 5 and in California

63: have you ever touched a snake: Yes

64: have you ever ran a red light: I hope not

65: have you ever been suspended from school: No

66: have you ever had detention: No

67: have you ever been in a car accident: Yes but it wasn’t that bad, the car was totaled but everyone was fine

68: have you ever hated the way you look: Everyday babee

69: have you ever witnessed a crime: Yeah

70: have you ever pole danced: No

71: have you ever been lost: In a figurative or literal way? The answer to both is yes

72: have you ever been to the opposite side of the country: Yes I’ve been to California

73: have you ever felt like dying: Haha yeah

74: have you ever cried yourself to sleep: What are these questions of course I have

75: have you ever sang karaoke: Not in front of more than like 3 people

76: have you ever done something you told yourself you wouldn’t: So many times lol yeet

77: have you ever laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose: YES

78: have you ever slept with someone at least 5 years older or younger: No

79: have you ever kissed in the rain: I’m trying to remember but I don’t think so?

80: have you ever sang in the shower: I’m a little bit shook myself by this but I honestly don’t think so?

81: have you ever made out in a park: Yes would recommend

82: have you ever dreamt that you married someone: Not like literally dreams no

83: have you ever glued your hand to something: Lol what no

84: have you ever got your tongue stuck to a flag pole: No gross

85: have you ever gone to school partially naked: No what

86: have you ever been a cheerleader: No but I used to say it’s what I wanted to be when I grew up lol

87: have you ever sat on a rooftop: Unfortunately no

88: have you ever brushed your teeth: Yes?????

89: have you ever been too scared to watch scary movies alone: Not too scared but I don’t really like watching any movies alone

90: have you ever played chicken: Like the water game? Yes with max and his sisters it was honestly a grand time

91: have you ever been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on: No but goals

92: have you ever been told you’re hot but a complete stranger: Yes I’ve been on tinder

93: have you ever broken a bone: Nope

94: have you ever been easily amused: A friend told me the other day that I laugh at everything

95: have you ever laughed so hard you cried: Of course

96: have you ever mooned/flashed someone: No consent is important

97: have you ever cheated on a test: If you say you haven’t you’re a liar

98: have you ever forgotten someone’s name: Yep

99: have you ever met someone who didn’t seem real: Do you mean like too good to be real or like I’m dissociating and they literally don’t seem real cuz uhh

100: give us one thing about you that nobody knows: I’m alone in a room with a stranger in a bed that’s not my own (jk listen to my song Matches on YouTube https://youtu.be/Q-SGbIjLYEI)

[star-valo]

How Markiplier Saved Me

I’m sure everyone’s seen his late night video by now, and I’ve seen a few people in the tag posting their stories.

And I feel like now is the right time to share mine. It’s not the typical life saving story, but it definately got me out of a life where I was so terribly unhappy. And considering I’m an extremely naïve 25 year old who is now stumbling about life in such an ungodly awful manner, I feel I owe a lot of who I am now to @markiplier

This will be long. Very long. Brace yourself, I’m a story teller. - TW: Abuse mention

I met him when I was 19. He was 29, turning 30 in a few months; and a month after I met him, he was due to get married, to his girlfriend of 10 years. I was at uni, out on my own with my anxiety in full swing for the first time in my life and I wasn’t coping. I’d stopped eating entirely, I was geting every bug that went around campus and I’d lock myself away in my room for hours on end.

I forced myself to go to a convention that was near the university. Anxiety attack ensued, and I was in a very vulnerable state, which is where I met him. Subsequently, it turned out, just about every male that was remotely plesant to me that weekend, had ulterior motives. Unfortunately, his didn’t start until after the convention.

Bit of context. I’m one of those “growing up ugly” kids. The “popular” kids at school would fake crushes on me to get a laugh and ridicule me at every oppertunity. As such, I’m oblivious to any actual interest anyone may show in me. I can’t pick up on those social queues at all, because I just don’t believe they’re genuine.

He got married, we stopped talking. The next convention, 4 months after his wedding, he kissed me and made me super uncomfortable for the rest of the weekend. Apparently, married life wasn’t going too well, so his attention had moved from his wife, to me. This started the manipulation, feeding me stories about his wife, apologising endlessly for making me uncomfortable and showering me in gifts.

Against my parent’s wishes, I ended up in a relationship with him. For 3 years. and his control over me continued for an additional year before I finally managed to cut him out completely. Leaving me a rather broken 23 year old.

Now, where does Mark come in?

He is what opened my eyes to the mental and emotional abuse and blackmail I was being subjected to, and eventually pushed me to leave.

Part two of the story starts here.

I was browsing Tumblr, seeing a lot of this stuff poping up on my timeline relating to something called “Five Nights at Freddy’s” and of course, Markiplier’s name was popping up as well. I was curious. So, Hallowe’en 2014, I was visiting my bestie who I only see once a year due to distance and money, and we decided we’d watch some spooky stuff. I suggested a FNAF playthrough, to which Bestie’s sister insisted that we watch Mark’s because it was definately the best out there. So we did.

My bestie wasn’t particularly taken with FNAF so we only watched the first part, but I was hooked, I wanted to see more. So I got home and binge watched the rest of Mark’s FNAF playthrough. Of course, I wanted someone to share this new found enjoyment with (good god I loved theorising with FNAF Lore, still do), so I showed it to him. Who then proceeded to take it and use it against me, my pathetic ass wussy self that I am. I’m very easily scared as I have an extremely overactive imagination. Have since I was tiny.

He bought FNAF, would hook it up to his TV, turn out all the lights, start the night... then decide he needed a cigerette, and leave me alone whilst he went outside to smoke. Of course, I was curled up in the corner, bracing myself for the jumpscares. One night, I was at his place, I got up to go to the toilet. I’d gone to bed early because I was tired, he was still awake, drinking beer and watching crap telly. He heard me and hid on the stairs which were directly outside the door to his bedroom, where he knew I would be passing to go back to bed. Thankfully I saw him sprawled out on the stairs before he could execute his plan. He was going to play Foxy’s jumpscare sound on his phone (He had the video ready and everything) and grab my ankle as I walked past.

I won’t go in to some of the other things he did, but the manipulation was there. The sexual abuse and emotional blackmail was there. I just didn’t start to see it until I watched more of Mark.

One week when I was off work because I felt unwell and there weren’t new Markiplier videos because he’d gone into hospital (turns out I was unwell because my appendix went fucky, I went in to hospital the day Mark came out) I binge watched his old videos. I really enjoyed his Vlogs, just him talking to the camera made it feel more personal. I watched his Draw my Life, Live-action skits he’d done, Videos of him on other people’s channels too.

Even just the silly little things he’d do like calling “us” beautiful. The milestone videos where he’d say how much we mean to him, and how thankful he was for letting him have the life he has. It all got me thinking. Never had I seen emotion from my boyfriend. He had never called me beautiful, or pretty, or expressed any sort of happiness for me being around, unless it was to manipulate me. He’d cry and self harm and spout all this stuff he thought I wanted to hear when I tried to leave in the past, how he didn’t want a life without me in it, how he loved me... All when I was trying to get out. Of course I stayed because he was threatening to kill himself.

At another convention, two weeks after my appendix surgery, we wore matching FNAF Pirate Cove tops (because matching tops were his way of showing he owned me, turns out.) I got talking to some guys about FNAF, ignoring him. It was when one of the guys mentioned that he was watching a youtuber play Five nights at Fuckboys at the moment, I instantly interjected with “Markiplier?”, who of course it was. At the mention of Mark, more people perked up and joined in the conversation, isolating my then-boyfriend more because he didn’t watch Mark.

I was in a lot of pain after the first night, I spent most of the convention in my hotel room in pain, which annoyed him because he wanted to party, and I wasn’t with him. I ended up calling my dad who came to take me home two days early, which my new Markiplier-friends came to see me off and say goodbye. Of course that annoyed him too.

I’m pretty sure this was the point that he realised that it wasn’t FNAF that he had to try and take from me. It wasn’t FNAF that was helping me make the friends that he wanted to keep away. It was Mark.

From then on, he’d do everything in his power to ruin Mark for me, to make him seem like an asshole, to make me stop watching his videos. Combining this with other things that I cared about, he was starting to get desperate. His control over me was slipping. I was starting to stand up for myself and he didn’t like it.

He’d get annoyed when I started watching Prison Break with my mum because I didn’t tell him what I was doing. He got annoyed that I wouldn’t text him back, whilst I was at work, in 2 minutes. He resorted to trying to buy me, buying me gifts and food, taking me places, surprising me with things in an attempt to buy me back.

He lashed out at me for not wanting to go swimming, because he wanted to see me in a swimsuit and ignored my anxiety and low self esteem making me freak out. He got extremely angry with me for going to bed without giving him a hug, because he’d insulted me and I didn’t want to be near him. He fed me lies about how all the new friends I was making were only trying to get into my pants, how none of them really liked my company and that if Mark were here, he’d be doing the same. It’s “all they wanted”, to get into my pants, he was “protecting” me. One of my favourite singers thought I was stupid because of one line in one song.

The final straw - for him - was when, on my birthday, I didn’t facetime him when opening my presents. When I did. This is when he stopped talking to me. In six weeks he’d moved on to another girl, one he worked with. He was being rude and cruel to me, so I finally deleted him from my facebook. I didn’t want to see it. I wasn’t coping well as it was. Everything I had known for the last four years had gone, and I was left alone because he kept stopping friendships before they formed. A barrage of insults came in the form of texts. As soon as he realised I’d deleted him and his friends, and that he couldn’t monitor me anymore, he flew off the handle. I crumbled completely. I was signed off work. I was a mess. Sadly, all this happened around the time of Daniel’s passing, so Mark wasn’t uploading. That’s when I turned to Jack’s videos. He wasn’t Mark, but he was funny, and he gave me a welcome distraction from all the pain and distress I was feeling.

Since then, Mark and his videos have been my go-to before-bed entertainment, time zones and all that fun stuff. He’s what’s making me strive to better myself, to move past the barriers and fears that the abuse has left me with. To push myself, to do that cosplay, to post that drawing. Dye my hair, buy the thing, put myself out there. I’m still trying. I’m still pushing myself. I’ll get there with attempting youtube myself one day, It’s just getting the software to do it, and then i’ll have to put my face out there, which is something I hate doing. But I’ll do it. I left work because, despite it being a terrifying thing to commit to doing, I deserved to be treated better. I am capable of so much more, I just need to believe in myself and know that I can do it if I put my mind to it.

And I believe all of this because of Mark. He believes in us as a community, and us as an individual. No one has told me that as often as Mark tells us all. All I have ever wanted is to make people happy, but now I don’t feel like I have to sacrifice my own happiness for others. I can make them happy, without demeaning myself, or decreasing my value and self worth. I’m funny, I make people laugh, I’m smart and creative, and that’s not a bad thing to say. I’m not blowing my own trumpet by saying that. I’m giving myself the value and credit I deserve because It’s far too easy to say that I’m not smart, that I’m not creative and I only make people laugh by fluke.

I have talents and abilities. I shouldn’t belittle them because they make me who I am, I need to embrace them, not push them aside.

I know this may seem like I’m putting Mark on a pedestal, but I assure you I am not. I feel indebted to him, yes, because I credit him as the catalyst that gave me the strength needed to save myself. Something that no one else had done in the four years I was in that relationship.

Genuinely and Honestly Mark, If you read this, Thank you. I owe you so much. I don’t know where I would be now had I not been introduced to you and your videos. Your sense of humour matches mine so well that I can’t help but laugh with you, even when I don’t feel like smiling. You have inspired me to do more with my life, to take a leap of faith, to push myself and try new things.

It sounds stupid and fan girly, but I honestly love you, so much. You have changed my life for the better, and I someday hope that I can repay you for saving me

[mammawolff]

I'm going to apologize now for what might turn into a long post, as I can't remember how to do a read more on mobile. So. It's once again Bell Let's Talk day. Now I realize that maybe, last year I was in a better position mentally, financially, and healthier than I am right now. But, that's the thing about mental illness. It's a daily battle. So. Let's talk. I don't think I've ever actually told anyone my full story. I was diagnosed with clinical depression and anxiety when I was eight. This was a very poor time in my life. I was in the office of my school every day, for one reason or another. Funny thing about schools. They all claim to be against bullying, but they only notice the physical aspect. A rotund child defending herself against verbal attacks? Clearly she's the bully. Unfortunately, I grew accustomed to being anxious around figures of authority because of these childhood encounters. I'd stop trying to defend my actions to these adults who weren't listening, and instead clam up and cry. And clearly, crying means I feel guilty and therefore I'm the attacker. Yeah. My school was pretty fucky. Add onto that it's small town, uni-religious, and fairly cult-ish in their actions. My family, having just moved there with no family established, got the brunt end of a lot of attacks. Weird ass elitism at its finest. Anyways. During this time my home life was pretty shit, too. My parents divorced when I was four, and we moved to this town two days before my fifth birthday. My mum was determined to cut our father out of our lives, so we didn't actually get to see him until I was 6, almost 7. Also pretty fucky. My mum wasn't the greatest mother around. Yes, she put a roof over our heads and fed us, but she was very quick to attack us verbally & physically, and if she thought we were lying about something she'd beat us til we told her what she wanted to hear. So, my dad became somewhat of a god in my eyes. Guardian angel, shelter from the storm, something unattainable for a very long time(to 5, 6, 7 year old me. A year and a half ish is a very long time for a kid). Eventually, he was able to take us every weekend. He bounced from house to house, job to job, but he provided what little child support he could spare and he always made sure to have a house with at least two bedrooms, so we'd always have a place. I tried so often to tell him what the combination of mum & school were doing to my tiny brain and body, but I never had any idea what abuse was, as a definition. I was terrified what mum might do if she found out I tattled. She'd already kept us all away from dad for so long, how long could she do that again? So I stayed silent. When I was 8, I met with my school's guidance counsellor. I had only a handful of friends who weren't terrified of me(I grew tall and wide pretty fast), my grades were shit(even for elementary school), and I was always late. Not to mention those daily visits to the principal's office. He's the one who prompted mum to take me in, see if all this stress had caused something to fuck up in my brain. Spoiler alert; it did. So, I was put on Anti-D medication. Anti-A's didn't come into play until later. Unfortunately, my body apparently absorbed and adjusts to new medication very, very quickly. By the time I was 10 I was taking handfuls of pills morning, noon, and night, just to maintain this facade of normalcy. Unfortunately, the bullying and abuse was continuing. My grades didn't superbly improve, my school behaviour issues barely subsided. But, the pills continued. I couldn't even tell you what they were or what they did. Mum took care of all that. But, I can tell you one thing, my short term memory problems started when the drugs did. I know it's too late for me now, but man I'm still kinda pissed at past me for not speaking up. Grade five was a shift for me. Negatively. I had a highly abusive teacher, bullying was at an all-time high and three of my friends deemed me too weird/sketchy/uncool to play with any more. My dad had to move into a townhouse and out of the farmhouses he'd been occupying for years. He had to get rid of the dog(Sonia) who'd been my best friend for well over a year. Soon after, we had to get rid of Queen(cookie), a dog we'd gotten from my friend's dog's second litter. I couldn't go riding any more(we kept my dad's landlord's horses and cows on the property), and I could no longer help on the farm. My weekend salvation was at an end. About the only freedom I had left was if dad took me flying. I made him take me up for hours, some weekends. I remember bawling on my morning walks to school with my friends, because I hated my life so much. My mum made the doctor ease up my prescriptions(a good thing, honestly), but she didn't ease up the abuse. Neither did my teacher, or the bullies, and I no longer had my beloved animals to keep me sane. I mean, we had Taffy, but she was always Brad's dog. One morning there was a speeding car who I knew couldn't see us down the road. I think my friends knew exactly what I was thinking because they stopped and just hugged me until the car passed us. I was 11 and suicidal. To help me transition off the farm, dad bought me riding lessons from a local Parelli instructor. These helped. I finally had some sort of release again, and best of all I could ride throughout the week, not just the weekends. These ended too. My instructor's lease of the land eventually ran out, and an oil company came in and bought the land. I was 13 when this happened. Still being forced to take drugs, and go to a psychiatrist (who broke client confidentiality so I stopped going and mum stopped paying). When I was 12 I found Wicca, and started turning away from the Church I'd been raised and baptised into. By the time I was 15 I'd fully turned away but still went, to appease my dad. Anyways. I started riding with another instructor and when I was 15 suffered a very traumatic fall, that screwed me up mentally, and I couldn't bring myself to get back on a horse until just last year when I was 20. Amazing what happens when your hormone levels mostly balance out eh? I was still kind of suicidal throughout all of this. Nothing that I would act on, but I kept thinking, "if I were to die, it wouldn't be so bad." I moved in with my dad when I was 15. I was sick of mum's bullshit, we fought violently every day. She'd already kicked my favourite brother out of the house, my sister was almost as bad as she was(she's 9 years older than me and to this day acts like I'm still 10 years old. We've never been close). A plethora of reasons. Mostly being, I was tired of her verbal and mental attacks. The physical stuff mostly ended once I hit 5'7". Definitely didn't happen after I was 5'10". I moved in with dad, quit my prescriptions, came out to him as pagan, then promptly fell in line and went back to church(which I'd quit at mum's) in order to protect myself. He would kick me out if I so much as lit a candle. So, I practiced in secret. My gods were(and are) very understanding and very supportive. Dad's God did not want me in His church, but tolerated me. This was pretty dark time. Me moving in with dad dredged up more custody battle bullshit. But, my relationship with my mum started to get better, sort of. I'm 21 now and we're only just on good speaking terms for more than 48 hours at a time. Then I got Angel. She was pretty much perfect as a puppy. House training was kind of difficult, she proved herself a friggen genius with the turkey incident, but she was mine. She knows exactly what I want, how I'm feeling, what I'm going to ask of her. She's perfect. (Cherub's a rotten little shit but she's still just a puppy and I haven't found the right job for her just yet.) Then, four of my newfound friends died. Car accident. I know I've recounted this story many times so I'll spare the details. But this threw me into a massive identity crisis. They didn't know the real me before they died. Danae looked up to me as a role model, and she didn't know I wasn't Mormon. I was pagan. I had to tell everyone. That Christmas (time ish), I came out of the broom closet again. Only this time to everyone. My "Mormon Moms," as I called them, insisted I was still me and they still loved me. The less accepting wanted to ban me from the graveyard. I still get hassled from their families, if they see me going down. But, a certain member of the community stood up for me. I'll be grateful to him forever. My dad was confused and hurt, but so long as I kept going to church he'd let me stay. Mum still insists it's a phase. I started going back to my hometown for school (only ten minutes away), and connected with my friends again. Then my paternal grandpa died. I never got the chance to say goodbye. Not even a funeral. He visited me, and my aunt and my cousin, but that still hit me extra hard, as it wasn't even 10 days after the 1 year anniversary of the accident. I started to slip again, fast. Dad got a job out east and had left me to move the rest of our things into storage, and I moved back in with mum. This is when I discovered I get severe depression when I have to move. Yay. I discovered my car's engine will cut out once I get to 198km. There is a stretch of road between the two towns that is very long, and very straight, with a sudden swerve to the right and a very steep drop in the road into a gulley. I convinced myself if I could get to 200km before that swerve, I would let my car fly off the cliff. I watched the needle drop closer to the speedometer's limit, noting exactly when the engine cut. I tapped the brakes, and got my car under control before the turn. Cursed myself for being a chicken, then for being so stupid. Angel needed me, if no one else. Half-assed suicide attempt no. 2. School sucked, but for some odd reason my childhood bullies apologized to me and tried to make amends. I accepted and we moved on. Mostly. I guess. Throughout all of this my depression was(and has been) a heavy weight on my shoulders. A darkness at the edge of my vision. Pretty much the only thing that truly lifted that lifted that was Anna. Though I had found new friends on the internet through dA and the ridgearound(love you guys), it was never really at bay. She was really, really, REALLY the only thing that brought true sunlight into my life. The day she was born I cried tears of joy, and thought she was the most perfect creature ever. I still do. She is beautiful. Graduation year brought me Anna, a boyfriend who turned out to be creepy and manipulative and abusive, and the start of my cutting addiction. I fucked up a few months ago. Before that it had been years. More fights with mum. Robin Williams passed and I lost hope for a few months. That was not a good time. He was always a role model to me, because even as a kid I knew what battles he was going through. He made me laugh when no one else could. He showed me that even with my shitty brain, I could be successful. I could fight this. Then he killed himself. I finally moved to Ponoka. Pretended to be an adult. Got cherub. Changed jobs. Found(ed) a coven. Lost Dee, and Anna. She's alive, don't worry. But she's no longer in my life. The horses helped so, so much with my depression. I refuse(d) medication because I can manage my condition, usually. Unfortunately that job ended in part because the mental stress had brought on my depression full force, and even my boss noticed I wasn't happy. So I left and started my MT course, where I am now even broker than usual, even more stressed than usual, and even more depressed than usual. This isn't even every aspect of my depression but it's the main points. Throughout this now 11 year journey, my depression and my anxiety have been with me. They've changed and grown and forced me to change and grow as well. I often wonder how different things would have been had I not refused meds so (relatively) early on. Too late now. But, my point is, I'm still here. I'm still fighting. My survival tactics have changed. When I was 11, what stopped me so many times was "tomorrow is another day" and "what will tomorrow bring?" Now, it's just sheer stubbornness. I'm going to finish my MT, I'm going to get out of debt and I'm going to flee into the middle of the prairies with my dogs and my reptiles and get myself a horse and a plane and I will never step foot in a city again. Just watch me. It doesn't get better. That slogan has never rang true with me. It just changes. You change, and your illness changes as well. But I guess, in some ways, it does get easier. You force yourself to see in colour, to take the bad in every situation and go "at least it isn't _____." And every now and again, you look back at your eight year old self and allow her to cry, because sometimes you need to.

[paolopallegient]

fuck

haha well. Today i hit something i never wished to hit. The wall of emotions that contain all the negative things that equate to me being a terrible person. I’m sorry to the 3 followers on here that i got. but idk. i’m sorry for being negative. You know me in person. I’m not too negative. So lets start off our day. The day started fucking ew, i didn’t like my hair and my outfit was nice, but it didn’t feel comfortable. I went to school hyped because i bought a logic hoodie and it was finally coming after school. Anyways. I was omw to school and went to the library where i kinda hang at in the morning because it’s cold in the morning and the library is warm. I sat with Francis. Minutes later, Edrian shows up and he’s obviously upset about shit like always. I hate how i can’t fucking say no to that whiney hoe. jesus. He asked me friday (because he worked at ncs), to hold his backpack the WHOLE FUCKIING DAY. forst of all no. I had shit to hold too. plus i’m also very fucking tired throughout the day. I don’t have a godly amount of stamina at one time. Anyways, overall, I declined his request. He then blames me and shit and bringing it up like “I thought we were family”. FUCKING WHATEVER MAN. Anyways. He pissed me off today. I don’t think there’lll be a time that i felt truthfully accepted to him in his eyes. He’s just so shadowed by his past that he acts really manly and rude to be funny. He will say anything to generally get a reaction. Anyways. fast fucking forward to lunch. I was hype to get this logic hoodie i really wanted. Then a friend of mine, harnoor, told another friend about it how i’m getting a new hoodie. This other friend, Roman. Is the most annoying fuck alive. I no longer support his nepitismic life anymore. Anyways, harnoor told roman i was getting a logic hoodie, and roman was like “nah the logic hoodie is all old shit, all about the bomber”. Like i was already hype about getting a new article of clothing. I don’t understand why people must say things like that. sigh. Today i crashed from emotional exhaustion. Tmrw i’m going to try to prevent myself from trying to be approachable. Tmrw i’m spending lunch alone. I needa be with the most positive person i know. 

me.