#mind you people can be bitter as hell about Cas stuff and look for the worst

[quillquiver]

i know everyone’s super preoccupied with bi!dean and oh boy do i get it but have we considered the absolute chaos that is fresh bi!dean and recently human!cas.

cas comes back from the empty totally human, and he and dean just... avoid each other in the bunker because cas is embarrassed and doesn’t want to pressure dean and also well well well if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions--while dean is quietly freaking out because he loves this man but he’s human now and what if he’s changed his mind? he might have changed his mind. he is definitely sleeping in his own room because he’s changed his mind.

and dean’s love confession, when it does happen, is something halting and loud. blurted out like an argument--I love you, okay?!--because he’s trying, he’s really trying, but big emotions still make a powder keg of him, no matter if they’re not rooted in anger. and cas is overjoyed, and they kiss a lot, but there’s this weirdness surrounding sex because, hey, the last time cas slept with someone he was killed, and dean’s relationship with fucking has been equal parts trying to put food on the table + a tool for care and positive touch. 

and then it also turns out that you don’t just un-learn 41 years of repression because a really great guy is in love with you. so dean postures for people needlessly, and is equal parts an embarrassed, proud, terrified mess in public with cas, while also sometimes flirting with the waitress on autopilot. he stops himself from touching cas only to remember he doesn’t have to, and sometimes he’s brave enough to keep reaching but sometimes he isn’t. and every day, he wishes he was more open, more honest, just... better to cas. and every day he is, a little. 

and while dean is out here being a complete mess, our friend castiel is coming to terms with the fact that he’s mortal now. the first time he gets injured, there’s hell to pay; he won’t stop bitching and moaning. his first cold? fucking forget it. he’s unbearable. he’s grumpy, and feeling helpless sometimes makes him mean; he’s petty and bitter and he spends whole days in the gym working himself to the bone. he goes for long runs. is neat as a pin. won’t quit on research until he’s asleep on top of the book. when dean gets hurt, he forgets he’s human and presses two fingers to his forehead--cas can’t fly away but he disappears for two days. when he informs dean that he’ll be driving an motorcycle from now on, dean has a fucking heart attack and the argument lasts for a week. 

it’s hard; cas needs things dean’s only just starting to be able to give himself, and dean needs stuff cas is only just starting to learn--i love you isn’t that enough?--but like... there’s so much that’s so good. dean being so blindly happy that he forgets to be afraid or self-conscious, dean shyly pecking cas’s mouth in the parking lot of the mini-mart. cas forcing himself not to run, but to get... comfortable; he starts to leave his 50 used mugs all over the place, and forgets his socks in the dean cave after date night. cas learning to drive a motorcycle and taking dean flying, beaming the whole time as dean hangs on for dear life. cas channeling his frustrations into crafting (badly). 

they sleep together half a dozen times before it gets really really good--before cas stops thinking and dean quits worrying; cas makes some lame joke when he’s half inside him and dean can’t stop laughing. they both realize that there are a lot of different ways and reasons to sleep together; that it can be intense and aggressive and slow and sweet and silly and fun.

there are good days and there are bad days, and one morning dean wakes up and realizes he doesn’t feel conflicted or ashamed anymore. one morning, cas looks at dean and realizes he actually really likes being human. are they absolutely obnoxious about their new discoveries? of course they are.

but sam and eileen have had to bear witness to every other obnoxious aspect of their relationship, so what’s one or two more?

[averytiredfanfictionwriter]

Clan (Technoblade x demon!reader, Philza x demon!reader)

Word count- 2,210 Content Warnings- none that I can think of Ao3 link- right here.

My first post back in a while. I’m sorry about the absence to whoever might care- a lot of things popped up in my personal life that stressed me out, on top of my graduation fast approaching. But I’m back now, and this might not be the Karl or Ranboo fic that was promised, it is at least something. Those will both be coming within a week or two, I just need to finish up some stuff and then edit them. So follow if you want to see when I post those, or just reply on this post saying that you want to be tagged when I do post them. Enjoy! Reblogs are appreciated, as well as likes. So if you could just do both, that would mean the world to me!

Techno’s used to being alone. He lived the first hundred years of his life that way- until he met Phil. And then Phil left. And he was alone again. 

But when he met Y/n, that all changed. He never had to worry about being alone again. Immortals are rare, and meeting another one is even rarer, but the two were inseparable. She never disclosed where she was from, or what the tattoos of strange runes on her body meant, and Techno knew better than to pry into matters that didn’t concern him, but he couldn’t help but wonder what she was thinking about as she stared out the window with her eyes clouded over and memories of a past time playing in her mind.

When Phil came back, it was easy for the pair to fit him back into their lives. Even though Y/n had never met him before it was as if they’d known each other for centuries before then. The three easily settled into a calm daily routine and when they returned to their own houses in the little community they’d created for just them at night, they fell asleep having forgotten what life was like before they’d met. 

The three gods never worried about what would happen when they were found. After all, they’re immortal. They’ve lived to see the rise and fall of countries, rulers, and everything else. Them of all people know that nothing is permanent. But none ever stopped to consider that what they had wasn’t permanent.

It started when Techno woke up in the morning. The arctic always lent itself to freezing mornings but this one felt colder than the others. It could be because he had expected to wake up with Y/n and Phil next to him on the couch, and was surprised that they would go back to their own houses. But it was much more than that- even if Techno couldn’t have known.

Phil and Techno looked in silence for any trace of Y/n around their community when the sun hit the middle of the sky and she still hadn’t shown her face. Any places she might have gone off to in search of quiet or a place to nap. But that didn’t appear to be the case and their search turned up empty and in vain. 

Techno retreated into himself. He found the note she’d left when he and Phil returned from their search and he didn’t say anything, instead heading down to the basement in his small house and shutting himself in to work on ‘very important stuff’ as he told Phil. Phil didn’t believe him-  Techno wasn’t exactly quiet in expressing the emotions he felt about Y/n leaving.

Phil wasn’t quite as emotional as Techno. He was more than two hundred years older than the pink-haired man. He was used to the constant ebbing and flowing of life, of the appearance and then disappearance of people. That’s not to say it didn’t hurt, but he knew that it’s the way of life. People come, and then they go. To stop it would be to disregard the nature of humans as a whole.

He was a little surprised when Techno came back up at the end of the night and, while silent, had refused to acknowledge that she’d even existed there in the first place. He ignored the building next to his where she’d slept and kept her belongings. Whenever Phil tried to bring her up, Techno would shut out the conversation and pretend he hadn’t heard him. It wasn’t healthy, and Phil couldn’t blame him because he was still young but he just wished he wouldn’t be so heartbroken to the point of refusing to acknowledge that she ever existed in the first place.

This went on for months. Almost a whole year had passed and the building that contained Y/n’s belongings went untouched. All the delicate keepsakes from past adventures, photos of strangers that neither of the men dared ask about, and the bookshelves lining almost every wall and so full of books from all over the world- it all gathered dust. Until finally she came back.

Phil almost didn’t recognize her at first. The tired weariness evident in the dark circles under her eyes and the dragging of her footsteps, but everything else was the same. The dark hair on her head now long enough to braid- much to his excitement- and the multitudes of runes covering her body, with the additions of quite a few now. One of the newest things though is the several piercings and jewelry that she’s wearing. The most prominent of which is the chain hanging around her neck, a medium-sized precious stone of unknown origin hanging off of it. 

“Y/n…” Phil said, dropping the wood he held in her arms in favor of running over and embracing her.

She hugs him back, the feeling almost foreign to her now. But now that she’s back, she doesn’t intend on forgetting it again.

“Where’s Techno? I need to talk to you both.” Y/n mumbles into Phils' shoulder, and for a minute he feels the cold flush of fear at the thought of her leaving again.

“He’s inside his house. Here, I’ll take you there.” Phil can’t help but feel like he’s showing around a visitor. The community has changed quite a bit since she’d last been there but the dread-filled feeling that he gets at the thought of her leaving again, coming back to say that she’s leaving and never returning, is more than he could take.

“Techno. Where are you?” Phil calls out as he enters the house and the chill of the room makes him shiver.

“Downstairs.” A gruff voice calls back, followed by a grunt of frustration.

“Well, can you come upstairs real quick? We have a visitor.” The word is bitter on his tongue and the look that flashes quickly across Y/n’s face makes him wish he’d chosen a better wording.

“Fine.” The ladder creaks and then Techno is peeking his head through the hole that leads down the basement.

“Y/n. What are you doing here?” It’s not entirely a question, and Y/n winces at Techno’s harsh tone. “Why are you back now? What, was living out there not as good as you thought it was? Well, you can leave. We don’t want you back here. We’re doing just fine on our own.” 

Y/n feels destroyed. She didn’t expect Techno to react positively to her return, but she didn’t expect this.

“Can I just tell you why I left?” She asks, and Techno snorts.

“Sure. Go ahead. Lay on us this wonderful reason.” Techno’s voice drips with sarcasm.

“There were some people I needed to find- had to find.” She says and Techno laughs.

“Really. That’s your reason. You had to go find some people so you left for ten months. You didn’t even think to tell us in person, instead, you just left a note. Hell, you could have taken us with you. We would have happily gone with you. I would have happily gone with you. I’d have done anything for you. But it appears that the feeling wasn’t mutual, since you barely bothered to leave a half-assed note telling us.” Techno shouts, having climbed fully into the room and stood towering over the girl.

“You don’t understand. This was not a trip you could have made. Neither of you would have been able to!” Y/n shouts back. 

Phil backs away, settling into the couch on the other side of the room. 

“What do you mean, I don’t understand. I understand perfectly. You abandoned us. You abandoned me. Well, you know what, I don’t want you back here. You need to leave. Get your things and leave. Right now.” Techno says and it feels like Y/n was just punched in the gut.

“What? Techno you’re not serious?” Phil’s astonished. Of everything he thought Techno would say to Y/n, this wasn’t one of them.

“Yeah, I am. Now get out.” Philza protests and Techno starts yelling at him as he tries to shove her out of the house.

“My clan was killed! I had to find their bodies!” She shouts out over the two men and Techno stops pushing her.

“Clan?” He asks and Phil stares at her blankly.

“You’re a demon?” He asks and Techno looks back and forth between the two.

“Part demon, yes. My clan was killed and I had to find them. I needed to know who was left. And… I’m now the leader of a clan that doesn’t exist anymore. They were all dead.” Her voice breaks at the end of her sentence, and the sorrow overwhelms her. She’d done a good job on the trip there and back of not crying, of ignoring what happened. But saying it out loud makes it real, and something inside her snaps with those words.

Suddenly the runes tattooed on her and the amount of gold jewelry she’s wearing makes sense to Phil. 

“Hey, it’s okay.” Techno pulls her into his arms protectively.

Phil stands from the couch and joins them. The combined warmth of the other two hybrids is almost too much to bear, but Philza hugs them anyways. Y/n’s sobbing continues for a little longer, but soon it turns into muffled sniffles and the shaking of her body calms a little bit.

“It’s up to me now to find a new clan. Custom is that I have to either join one or find others to form one with. I don’t think I’ll be able to stay here. Most of them require you to live with the group.” Y/n whispers as she pulls away from the hug.

“No. I won’t let you leave. Not for a second time.” Techno says stubbornly, and Y/n shakes her head.

“I don’t have a choice.”

“Yes, you do. We’ll be your new clan. Even if you can’t give us the jewelry of your brothers and sisters like tradition dictates, we can still be your clan. Technically your clan doesn’t have to be other demons.” Phil smiles at her. Techno doesn’t know why Phil would know that, but he doesn’t question his knowledge either way. Phil’s lived a long life before he and Y/n came into the picture.

“You guys would do that?” She asks and he nods his head eagerly.

“Of course. We were already really close before- nothing’s going to be changing.”

“Yeah. What do we have to do to join your clan?” Techno asks.

“Well, we basically have to get married to each other. It’s really just an unbreakable promise to stay with each other and protect each other until we die. Soooo… forever. Are you guys sure this is what you want? Because once we do this we can’t go back.” Y/n looks at them in worry.

“Yes. We both want this. You belong here with us. Life was horrible without you here. I had to deal with Phil all alone. The full force of his attention was on me. It was a never-ending nightmare.” Technos voice is dry as he delivers the joke and Y/n laughs as Phil protests.

“Hey. You forget that I was equally as stuck with you. It’s not easy when you live with a piglin who never gets cold and forgets that not everyone is as lucky as him.” Phil says and Techno mimics his words.

“Whatever you say, old man. But Y/n, I’m a hundred percent serious about joining your clan. I never want to let you go again.” Techno says into Y/n’s shoulder.

“Yeah, it was so quiet without you here mate. And cold. So, so cold.” Phil wraps his wings around the two human furnaces and holds them close.

Even though he’s more than two hundred years older than the pair and knows the reality of life- that eventually they’ll get bored of each other or tired and leave- he finds himself wanting to never let go.

“Here, hold out your hands,” Y/n tells them as she pulls out of the hug.

The two men do so without hesitation, and Y/n places a ring in each of their hands. They’re heavy, made of an unknown metal to most who walk the earth and they’re burning hot to the touch as if they were just forged and taken out of the fire.

“But… you’re not supposed to?” Phil says and the woman shakes her head.

“It doesn’t matter if my clan is made of demons or not. I’m still going to give you guys the rings signifying our bonds.” She says and Phil nods.

“Now… who wants to go and slaughter some orphans?” Techno asks, clapping his hands together.

Y/n shouts yes and drops her bag on the ground, running out the door. Techno hangs back a moment, pausing only to look at his reflection in the mirror- at the heavy ring on his tusk. It’s stopped burning and has turned into a comfortable warmth.

“Hey, you good mate?” Phil asks and Techno smiles.

“Never better.” He eyes the half-demon waiting outside in the snow, her tail swishing on the ground behind her. 

“Good. Because now there’s no getting rid of her.” Phil smiles and they join the girl waiting outside, ready for whatever adventures lie ahead.

[perlukafarinn]

this is a season 9 au i guess. don’t ask for more specifics, i just wanted to write dean and cas getting drunk and making out “for practice”

Thank fucking God, Dad can’t see me now.

The thought flutters through Dean’s mind, a tiny, bitter thing there one moment and gone the next. He’s too comfortable right now to dwell on such negativity, laying on the couch, warm and loose-limbed.

They’ve been drinking - him and Cas, that is. Sam is nowhere near the bunker right now and honestly, thank God for that too, because all they’ve had tonight is pitcher after pitcher of margaritas.

Not Dean’s idea, for the record. Neither is the music currently playing on the radio, some upbeat bubblegum pop that he usually wouldn’t be caught dead listening to but can right now admit, at least to himself, that he kind of digs.

Cas picked the music, and the margaritas, because it turns out he doesn’t really like beer or hard liquor but he wanted to try getting drunk anyway. Dean’s the sucker who went out and bought all that margarita mix, because he’s finding it more and more difficult to tell Cas no these days.

Which might be why he’s currently letting Cas paint his toenails, with some polish Charlie left behind after her last visit. 

It’s bright blue and Dean is pretty sure Cas is getting it all over his feet but he can’t be bothered to care. It feels kind of nice, Cas’ hands brushing against his skin as he carefully applies the polish. Like being taken care of. 

“Fuck me,” Dean mutters and he’s sure Cas hasn’t heard him over the music but then his hand stills.

“What?”

“Nothing, I just-” Dean laughs, rubbing his hand over his eyes. “Are we having a slumber party right now?”

“I wouldn’t know.” Cas resumes his work. He’s sitting on the floor next to the couch, which can’t be comfortable, but he’s probably too drunk to care right now. Just like Dean. “I’ve never been to one before.”

Dean hums, staring up at the ceiling. 

“What does one do at a slumber party?”

“I don’t know,” Dean says. “This kinda crap, I guess. Paint each other’s nails, listen to music, get drunk on girly drinks. Talk about boys.” He snorts. “Or sex, if you’re not a preteen girl.”

“I’d rather not.”

Dean winces, thinking of Cas’ one sexual experience so far. Yeah, he wouldn’t be eager to talk about that either. 

Still, “You’ve at least rounded first with some chicks worth talking about.” Dean wracks his brain - Meg is the first to come to mind, but he knows better than to bring her up, even drunk off his ass. “Daphne, right? She was hot.”

“I suppose,” Cas says. 

“Why didn’t you ever hook up with her?” The question tastes bitter on Dean’s tongue and he’s not sure why. “Can’t tell me it’d be a sin, it’s not fornication if you’re married.”

Cas pauses his movements. Dean thinks he might have offended him so he raises his head, craning his neck to get a proper look at his face, but Cas doesn’t looks pissed, just deep in thought.

“We did round some bases,” he says, the words sounding stiff and alien coming from him. “But we rarely did more than kiss. Once tongues are involved the whole process becomes...” he makes a face, “unpleasant.”

“Unpleasant?” Dean repeats. He gets up on his elbows, sparing a glance at his toes - a whole mess of blue, Picasso would be so proud - before looking back at Cas. “Dude. You sure you weren’t just bad at it?”

Cas turns away, blushing. “Possibly. It’s not as if I’ve had much practice.”

“You learned some stuff from the pizza man,” Dean points out.

Cas huffs. The back of his ears have turned red, too. It’s kind of cute. 

“If you want, you can practice on me.”

The words tumble out faster than Dean can stop them. His mouth goes dry when Cas turns to look at him, eyes wide with shock, but there’s a reckless pounding in his heart that makes him push past the doubt.

“Do you want to?” he asks Cas. 

Cas glances down - at Dean’s lips and Dean licks them instinctively, heart racing faster. He’s not sure what he’s doing but his head is buzzing, a combination of alcohol and excitement, and he decides he doesn’t want to think too hard about it. Second thoughts can wait until tomorrow, when he’s sober.

“It would... just be for practice?” Cas asks.

Dean grins, easy. “Call it part of the slumber party experience.”

He tries to sit up further and Cas takes the hint to help him but between the efforts of two drunk, uncoordinated people, Dean somehow finds himself slipping off the couch, landing halfway on top of Cas and halfway on the floor. 

“You’re heavy,” Cas complains. 

“Fuck off,” Dean says but he’s laughing, giddy and for no real reason. He’s drunk and there’s some girl on the radio singing about being in love and Cas is right here, human but alive, smiling at the sound of Dean’s laughter and leaning in and, oh -

Right. They’re doing this. 

Dean is still kind of on top of Cas so he has to grab Cas’ shoulder to keep his balance, which has the added benefit of bringing him even closer. Cas is a little sloppy right at the beginning, teeth bumping against Dean’s lower lip as they kiss. 

Dean laughs, a little breathless already, mutters, “Careful,” against Cas’ parted lips.

Unpleasant is definitely not the word Dean would use to describe this. Cas’ lips are warm and he’s a bit clumsy, a little too eager, but then he sucks on Dean’s lower lip and bites down, gently, and Dean thinks he might have a knack for this, after all.

Dean’s the one to deepen the kiss, licking the seams of Cas’ lips until they part on a sigh. He tastes sweet and sour like those stupid margaritas, and Dean thinks he might be intoxicating like them too, because he’s sure as hell feeling more buzzed by the second.

Cas shifts underneath him, bringing one hand up to cup the back of Dean’s head, fingers digging into his scalp and Dean just about melts, humming nonsensical encouragements against Cas’ lips. 

Dean feels like he’s in free fall, head swimming at the hot twist of Cas’ tongue, stomach swooping when Cas pulls away to take a shuddering breath and then trails his lips down Dean’s neck, licking, biting.

Dean should discourage him - like this whole thing isn’t middle school enough, now Cas is gonna give him a goddamn hickey - but he just tilts his head back, gives Cas more room to work. Cas presses a kiss against his Adam’s apple and then licks the dip of his clavicle, slow and hot like he’s savoring the taste of Dean’s skin. 

At some point, Cas’ other hand landed on Dean’s waist and it’s maybe the only thing keeping him upright. Dean is on fire, he’s melting, he’s dizzy with desire, almost nauseous, and all they’ve done is make out for a couple of minutes. 

“Dean,” Cas says, whispers into his skin, and fuck, he sounds wrecked. “Dean.”

He’s hard. Dean can feel it, poking him in the thigh, but somehow that doesn’t scare him half as much as his own answering hardness, quickly growing uncomfortable in his jeans.

“We should-” Dean pulls away, puts his hand on Cas’ chest to keep him from chasing, “-we should stop. That’s enough practice.”

Cas stares up at him, challenging. “Is it?”

Dean doesn’t give him the satisfaction of a stare down, clambering off his lap and out of his embrace. “Yep.”

He sits down on the floor next to Cas. He hears Cas huff and feels a little guilty, winding the poor guy up like that and then stopping as soon as things were getting good.

But they were just practicing, Dean reminds himself. If they’d gone any further, it wouldn’t have been practice anymore. At least not anything Cas could put to practical use the next time he hooks up with a chick.

Dean swallows past the sudden bitter taste in his mouth. He looks over at Cas, who’s staring at the ceiling.

“Want me to paint your toenails?” Dean offers.

Cas sighs. “...Yes.”

[autisticandroids]

anyway i really dislike the “dean thinks cas doesn’t have feelings because he’s an angel” headcanon because i just don’t think it’s...... believable? 

like, my first thought is it doesn’t make a ton of sense if only because like, cas is such an overemotional character. like his motivations are intensely impulsive, irrational, emotional. but like, you could also argue that dean doesn’t understand that about him, that dean doesn’t see him very clearly, and that’s believable to me.

but there’s a lot of other evidence against this headcanon. like, first of all, dean has seen him human or de-angeled a couple of times, and he clearly doesn’t change that much. second of all, like, yes, in the early seasons dean sees cas as an Angel but by the late seasons he very much sees him as like..... just a guy? like he very much just sees cas as a guy in later seasons. i don’t know if i could pinpoint where this transition happens but it does happen. third of all, we see dean attempting to tug on cas’ heartstrings a good few times? 6x20 “i’m not gonna logic you,” 6x22 “we were family once,” 8x17 “i need you,” and those are the ones that come to me off the top of my head. and in 8x17 it even works! so like when push comes to shove and it’s a life or death situation, dean is aware that cas has heartstrings to be tugged on. like dean knows cas has emotions.

but the biggest reason is like. that line that people use to support it. the one from reading is fundamental.

Oh, I don't know, man. What can I say? You've been chosen. And it sucks. Believe me. There's no use asking "why me?" 'Cause the angels – they don't care. I think maybe they just don't have the equipment to care. Seems like when they try, it just... breaks them apart.

like, that line is..... okay we’re all agreed that dean is like. he is nothing if not a miserable little pile of lies. he is always saying the opposite of what he means and masking one feeling under another. it’s his defense mechanism. things he says, things like this, they’re him trying to convince himself/other people of one thing, while he believes another. 

the first thing he’s doing here is blaming himself. he is taking responsibility for both cas’ previous actions and his current state on his own shoulders. 

now, remember, this is an edlund episode. and given *waves hands* supernatural, i think one of the more coherent methods of analysis one can take wrt. the show is to view individual writers’ bodies of work as coherent canons within themselves, only semi connected with the show as a whole, because individual writers often have strong and conflicting portrayals of the characters. 

anyway ben edlund’s dean very much feels responsible for cas. like, obviously edlund wrote “the end,” and we have collectively made a delicious meal of the fact that the horror of that future for dean is that he’s ruined cas - that endverse cas is very much (if i may weave the text together for a moment) “fallen in every way imaginable,” and that it’s dean’s fault. but the end is not the only place this dynamic shows up. look at the man who would be king - “you're a friggin' child, you know that? just because you can do what you want doesn't mean that you get to do whatever you want!” dean is very much taking it as his responsibility to educate cas here, to teach him right from wrong. ben edlund's dean very much views cas primarily as a child he is responsible for. hell, the whole drama of the man who would be king is basically that cas did something without dean’s permission, which doesn’t make a ton of sense unless you think dean feels responsible for all of cas’ actions. like, this is the flip side of dean’s control complex - if it is dean’s moral duty to control everything going on around him, then everything that happens is his fault. if everything that happens is his fault, then it is his moral duty to control everything around him. they’re the same. 

this line is dean blaming himself for cas’ “brokenness,” since he’s the one who got cas to try to care. and certainly, the text is encouraging him to blame himself:

DEAN It's Sam's thing, isn't it? You taking on his, uh, cage-match scars. I'm guessing that's what broke your bank, right?

CASTIEL Well, it took... everything to get me here.

like, i don’t think cas is trying to fuck with dean’s head here? i don’t think even at the best of times cas is emotionally aware enough to hit on the perfect way to ruin dean’s entire month like this on purpose, and this is not the best of times. and cas i don’t think sees things as dean’s fault, he just sees himself as fallen, he doesn’t think dean pushed him. and a lot of things have happened to cas in the last four years, only some of them to do with dean. to cas, “everything” here means just that - everything. dean is only one piece of a much larger puzzle. hell, cas when cas says “everything” he is probably referencing like, his whole “god’s plan” thing here: quite literally the entire predestined machinations of the world. it’s very little to do with dean.

on the other hand, i’m always just on the edge of reading cas in reading is fundamental, specifically, as bitterly passive aggressive - “always happy to bleed for the winchesters” is such a vicious line it’s hard to believe he’s being sincere. sometimes in stories i can sort of... feel the narrative/author possessing a character and saying what they want to express, rather than what that character would actually say. sometimes i feel like “well, it took... everything to get me here” and “always happy to bleed for the winchesters” were less “authentic cas characterization” and more “ben edlund being a bitter casgirl.” 

but i digress. regardless of whether that exchange was in-character for cas, and whether it was sincere, the effect on dean it has is in-character: dean blames himself. 

and the whole “they don’t have the equipment to care” thing is on the one hand, dean blaming himself - he’s the one who tried to get cas to care in the first place. and on the other, dean trying (and failing) to convince himself that there’s nothing he could have done, that it isn’t his fault - cas’ brokenness is inherent to his angelic nature, that can’t be dean’s fault.

the other thing he’s trying to do here is dehumanize cas. 

he has a couple of reasons for doing this. the first is simply that he's angry. dehumanizing cas is an act of cruelty, and dean is being cruel because he's angry.

it makes sense that dean is angry. like, on one level, cas has done a bunch of fucked shit that dean has every right to be mad about. but that stuff is not imo the primary reason dean is angry. dean is angry because of his self-blame. dean is angry because he blames himself for both cas' actions and his current state, and he's mad at cas for making him hate himself. i know that's like five dimensional blame refraction, but welcome to the twisted mind of dean winchester.

so dean is angry, and he's dehumanizing cas as an act of cruelty because he's angry. but he's also dehumanizing cas because he doesn't want to be angry at cas anymore. he can't forgive cas (because he can't forgive himself and he blames himself for cas' actions), but he loves cas and doesn't want to be angry with him, so he dehumanizes him and strips him of agency in order to absolve him of responsibility.

that's what's happening in this line. and also, all that aside, the line doesn't even say cas doesn't have feelings! it says he does, and they've ruined him!

[gogglor]

Cap-Ironman RecWeek: What-If Wednesday

Time for another installment of @cap-ironman rec week! Today’s theme: AU’s.

I know AU’s in different settings are half the reason most people read fanfics, but they’re not really my thing on the whole. AU’s where different choices are made, or different events transpire? Absolutely. Coffee shops? Not my cup of... you know.

So, here’s my AU recommendations for mostly “turn left” scenarios. This time with an under-the-cut break so I don’t take over everyone’s timelines (sorry about that last post). Also with some summaries truncated for length.

Alone Like This

Author: GotTheSilver

Word Count: 7,452

Summary: Steve, post waking up, runs away from SHIELD, and Tony's the one who tracks him down.

Why You Should Read It:

First off, GotTheSilver’s been consistently and regularly putting out solid Stony since 2012 and not only are they not stopping, they’re only getting better. This writer doesn’t get nearly the fanfare I’d expect in Stony circles for someone who puts out this much good stuff, and here’s hoping this post can be a part of changing that.

While I am always a sucker for enemies-to-friends-to-lovers, there’s something to be said for stories where Steve and Tony hit it off right away. And watching these two very different people look at each other and see the same sense of being lost, then finding each other again is... excuse me, there’s something in my eye, ignore me.

Second Chance Lives

Author: raeldaza

Word Count: 43,872

Summary: Tony's gonna die of palladium poisoning anyway, why not join a pointless expedition to recover Captain America’s body? And after, well, why not dedicate his last few months to making sure an American hero settles into his new life? What else is he going to do, get drunk at parties?

Why You Should Read It:

This writer doesn’t write a lot for the MCU but when they do, dang.

“Tony is the one helping Steve acclimate to the new century before Avengers 2012″ is a whole genre of Stony fanfics that scratch an itch I didn’t even know I had before I started reading fanfiction, and this is one of the best ones out there. It’s got it all - Steve poorly coping with his PTSD, Tony poorly coping with his immanent mortality, some breathtakingly poor communication between the two most emotionally stunted men in the MCU, and a cat named Roomba. What’s not to love?

Should You Choose to Accept It

Author: elwenyere (look, you’re gonna be seeing a lot of them this week, sorry-not-sorry)

Word Count: 27,106

Summary: After a terrorist attack and a field operation gone wrong, the Avengers realize that Nick Fury's secrets are just the start of a much bigger mystery. Steve and Tony try to keep some things from each other as well, but that can't possibly affect the mission — right? Mission Fic + Getting Together (or Mission: Getting Together) that mashes up elements from Iron Man 3, CA: Winter Soldier, Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. season one, and Mission Impossible 3.

Why You Should Read It:

You can see my post yesterday for singing El’s praises, but what I really liked about this fic was how how damn creative it is. The CAWS/IM3/AOS mashup is everything I wished the actual MCU gave us and more, with well-developed characters and an exciting story to put them in. And because it’s El, you know the banter’s gonna be on point, the way the characters care for each other is gonna be emotionally constipated but touching, and the pacing’s gonna be exciting enough to draw you in and keep you there. Also, this fic doesn’t have nearly enough kudos so please go read it and fix that or I’m gonna have to try to hack AO3 and that’ll just be embarrassing for all parties involved.

What Happens In Vegas

Author: sabremc

Word Count: 161,951

Summary: “What the hell, Tony?” Rhodey demanded brusquely.  Tony winced and drew the phone away from his ear.  “You’ve got cops and Feds all over the hotel.  I’m watching you perp walk out of the police station on repeat on CNN.  They’re saying you tried to bribe Stern?  Fox News has you selling weapons on the black market, and God that picture they’re using is the one from Bali in ’09.   You look like shit.  They wheeled Stern out and put him in an ambulance, by the way.  Got some paparazzi swearing you decked the guy.  Now they’ve got ‘copters following it like he’s OJ.”

“Yeah, don’t worry, Sourpatch, I’ve got it covered.   Uh, though, I should probably tell you that, purely in the interests of national security and the greater good, I kind of had to fake marry that stripper-gram  you sent.  Thanks for that, by the way,” Tony added quickly.

Why You Should Read It:

If you’re deep enough into Stony to see posts like this on Tumblr, you probably know sabre’s what we in the business call a “big name author.” They’re prolific, they’re popular, and most importantly, they write words good (technical term). Seriously, sabre just keeps cranking out high quality stuff over and over again, raising the bar for the rest of us like a jerk (not really. I’m not bitter they write stuff so good I wish I’d thought of it first. Not at all.)

I never read stripper!Steve or stripper!Tony as a rule, but this came so widely recommended that I broke that rule and boy am I glad that I did. This is also the only fic on this list that’s a true-AU, with Steve being a non-powered vet from Afghanistan who left his army career to help Bucky and is stripping in Vegas to raise money for a prosthetic arm. He’s booked to do a private show for Tony, shenanigans ensue, and now they’re fake-married. This fic’s got some top-of-the-line banter and character development, but I particularly love it for its rich setting. Sabre paints a Vegas not just with strip clubs and blackjack tables, but KISS-themed minigolf, romantic dinners on the Eiffel tower, gaudy hotel lobbies, and making out on giant ferris wheels. It’s such a richly developed playground for the characters to play on, and through it, Steve manages to find a life for himself he’d given up on, and Tony finds multiple ways to show his kindness and depth of feeling for Steve. I know the word count’s long for this one but trust me, you’ve gotta read this fic.

Wait & Sea

Author: Lenalena

Word Count: 53,244

Summary: In which Tony and Steve get sent on an undercover mission aboard a cruise ship to make contact with Hydra. In this AU the military has kept the discovery and defrosting of Captain America a secret, so Steve and Tony have never met before. Yet they are to pose as newlyweds....

Why You Should Read It:

This one’s old and popular enough to be considered one of the “classic” Stony fics, and for good reason. Lenalena doesn’t write too often and not as much as they used to, but the fics they have up there are an absolute delight.

This is another fic that I skipped a bunch of times for being outside my comfort zone, but when I finally read it I saw why everyone’s so wild about it. In this story, Steve’s defrosted a bit earlier and not revealed as Captain America. He and Tony are sent undercover to sniff out Hydra shenanigans on a cruise and, because it’s fanfiction, they’ve got to pretend to be a married couple while onboard. There’s tons to love about this fic, but the things that bring me back to reading it over and over is first, Tony’s kindness and the way he’s attuned to Steve’s feelings, which... God, just inject “kind, observant Tony” straight into my veins, please and thank you. This is also another really rich setting for a story, and Lena knows how to fold the the hokeyness of the cruise into the seriousness of the mission and the depth of feelings Steve and Tony are finding for each other in a really beautiful, layered way. It’s funny, it’s heartfelt, it’s steamy, it’s gripping... why are you still reading this here? Go check it out for yourself!

Ashes to Ashes

Author: dirigibleplumbing

Word Count: 51,582

Summary: After regrouping following some surprise time travel, the world's heroes and sorcerers come up with a plan to protect the Mind and Time Stones by taking them into space in opposite directions. The result involves a lot more time loops than Steve would like, but at least they're getting a second chance to stop Thanos. (As well as a third, and a fourth...) And if Steve takes the opportunity to try to reconcile with Tony, too—well, they have the time, and Steve's going to make the most of it.

Why You Should Read It:

Dirigibleplumbing’s another name in Stony fanfics that does not get nearly as much fanfare as they deserve. They’re consistently a really creative voice in Stony fanfics and I always look forward to their stories showing me something new. Go read all their fics, I need more people to geek out with me over them.

I tend to limit myself on Steve-and-Tony-mend-things-after-Civil-War fics not because they’re not good, but because they’re so heavy, and also the Sokovia Accords have five hundred layers of crap in them that no good fic could possibly hash out well. This one, though? When you add in the Infinity War/End Game fixit? Poetry. Art. Music to my ears. DP wrote a really engaging, twisty story where it’s hard to predict what’s coming next, in spite of it literally being a pseudo-Groundhog day scenario. The characterizations are great, the story is engaging, and the feelings are big and sad and eventually happy. Go read it, you’ll love it.

I have tons of other recs for this category but this seems like a good place to stop for today. Tomorrow’s Alternative Media Thursday, and I’ve got some real gems I’ve been saving for that day (aaaaand possibly a self-rec or two ;)

[grazieschillivera]

Both is good

Summary : you have to babysit for a friend but unfortunately this only leads to Butcher being more stressed out

Word count : ca. 1800

You didn't even had to reach the last step or the stairs down to your hideout to see the lost faces of the boys.

,,What the hell Y/N?'' asked Hughie with furrowed brows, after a moment of weird silence.

,,What?I forgot something.'' you said casually while approaching them playing stupid on purpose for that stupid reaction.Not aware of the fact, that you just stepped into an argument between Butcher and the rest on his lacking interaction with Ryan.

,,I meant that baby.What happened?'' asked Hughie.

,,Did someone never taught you about the birds and bees.'' you said now with a low giggle, while turning the baby in your arms carefully that it could face Kimiko, who slowly had walked to you all fascinated by the baby.

,,This little cutie is Daisy, she is one year old and my former roomates baby.She has some appartment inspections today and asked me to babysit while she is gone.'' you explained finally and adjusted her little cap.

,,This picture is just wrong.You with a baby?'' said Butcher in a mocking tone.

,,Why?At least I can keep my dorm clean.Those empty asia food boxes are from last weekend and I bet Hughie hasn't managed to write his application documents for a job at Neumann's Office yet.'' you said while walking past him, after you had the baby handed to Kimiko.

You could hear Hughie groan behind you.

,,Was Y/N all the time this – parenting?'' asked Hughie.

,,No she's just in her role now, like always.Last time she was a fucking IT- Pro just because she could fix the TV.Y/N is just immature.'' said Butcher.

You and the rest of the group ''shhed'' Butcher for his choice of words at the same time.He gestured Kimiko to give him the baby instead, he didn't seem to like your uneasiness with it.Kimiko might belonged to Frenchie, but that did not change the fact that she was still dangerous.

,,I think both is good.Who doesn't want a mom, who is also still a bit of a child.'' said Hughie, giving you a bit more confidence after Butcher's critic.

,,I think Y/N would make a good mother.'' said Frenchie while taking Kimiko in his embrace to sooth the daring glance on Butcher.

,,Thanks.'' you said, giving him a brief but generous smile before you turned around again to search in your bag for the coziest scarf for Daisy and gloves for you. Even though Daisy wore a jacket, gloves and a cap you wanted to make sure she wouldn't freeze while being in the park with her.

,,What about you guys?Don't you have something to do today?'' you asked while searching.They explained to you that they had nothing to do currently besides waiting for some new information from Grace Mallory.

,,Why did you took the baby from Kimiko?'' you asked Butcher with a concering eyebrow lift when you were done and faced the group again.

You knew that this question put him on the spot but you rather felt for Kimiko in that moment.

,,You can't just hand the baby to every possible person, just keep it by your side.She is a supe after all.'' he said while he handed Daisy back into your embrace.His voice was clear, he had nothing to hide.

,,What happened the last time you had a baby in you arm?Three people got killed.'' you said while adjusting Daisy on your arm.

,,No one said I would be the better option love.'' said Butcher.

,,Well obviously not.You're always so critizising and serious, no wonder you just stay the same.'' you said.You two exchanged a daring stare.

The athmosphere was far too tense to let someone utter, what everyone thought.This scene was almost like a fight between mommy and daddy.

,,Then why don't you gather up your stuff and -.'' Butcher said but you interrupted him.

,,Fuck off.Yes just what I was thinking.'' you said in a low voice while covering Daisy's small ears.

,,Alright.I will be in the park if someone wants to join.'' you said before you walked to the door.You only noticed some weird noises behind you instead of a proper answer.With a curious look you turned around before you shoot at everyone a daring look not sure what that was about.

The entire park was covered with powdery snow, that glittered in the sun and crunched underneath the shoes.Unfortunately for you no snow fell from the sky, but Daisy still seemed to be amazed by it.Her little head turned around all the time, trying to see as much as possible.

A memory from your childhood crossed your minds.

,,Daisy?Shall I show you a magic trick?You know, I can let it snow.'' you said to Daisy before you started walking to a fir until you stood directly underneath it.You waited until you had Daisy's full attention at your hand, that had reached for a lower branch.Thats when you pulled it down and a gentle snowfall came down on you.Daisy's high pitched noises and kicking made you giggle, she clearly wanted a bonus.

You were far too occupied with her that you didn't notice how Butcher stood some meters away on the sidewalk and watched you.Then you would have noticed his poorly hidden smile due to how warm you made his heart feel at a sudden.

Instead you met Butcher's grumpy face, when you turned around after the third time you pulled on one of those snow covered branches.On his hair and shoulders laid a good amount of snowflakes.While Daisy showed her amusement merciless you could not really laugh at all.

,,What do you want here?'' you asked.

,,Thought you offered us to join you.'' said Butcher.

Some moments later you three sat down on a bench.

,,So what's the matter with shaking the snow from the threes?'' asked Butcher, who seemed to struggle with finding his words.

,,My mom always used to do this with me.She always called it a magic trick.'' you said back in this memory and Butcher snorted.

,,What?Was that already to immature again?'' you asked a bit annoyed by now.

,,Then tell me your favourite memory of your childhood?'' you said , when you got the feeling what topic Butcher might needed to talk about.

He thought about this for a moment.

,,I don't know.Maybe the days when Lenny and I went out fishing, he was into that stuff.Spending the entire fucking day on a lake waiting for nothing.'' Butcher said, but still his lips curled up in a smile.

,,Sounds fun.'' you said despite his uncomfortable tone.

,,Honestly.My dad also used to do this before he cheated on my mom and left us.Maybe you should try this out with Ryan.'' you said earning a sharp glimpse from him.His fists were balled.

,,Why does everyone has to come up with this fucking topic?'' he asked.That was the moment when you decided to not just accept Butcher's stubborness.

,,Butcher!'' you said now gesturing the Daisy, the second time of him cursing was enough for your liking.Normally you wouldn't mind.

,,Because you clearly need to talk about it.Why else would you come to me after we had a discussion?You normally just ignore it until I decide to do as well.'' you said starting to occupy Daisy with your hands, wiggeling and clapping casually around.

Butcher nodded a bit defeated.

,,So great father than?'' asked he.

,,Seems to be a thing more frequently.'' you said bitterly.

You started to talk about your childhood, when Butcher finally found the courage to explain his latest attitude.You both talked about your own messed up childhood , seeing that the both of you seemed to have a fair amount of similarities.

,,Laugh at me as much as you want but those little things like the magic trick , are sometimes the only thing someone has to prevent them from doing something far more stupid.If you don't want to do it for yourself or Ryan, do it for the rest of the world.He's a supe after all.'' you said, your voice sounded still bitter, cause your mind was still in some old memories.

You covered Daisy's face with your hand, when a cold gust of wind came around.

Butcher said nothing.Instead he looked you deep into the eyes, like he tried to find something in it that you just have let shine through.

,,I know I don't belong into this and I also believe in you.. but if you need help, I would love to be there for you... both.'' you said carefully but hesitated to reach for his hand.But before you could draw your hand back to yourself Butcher took it and caressed it gently.

,,Thanks.'' was all he said but there was no need for more words.He gave you a brief but honest smile, that even reached his eyes.You knew how much Butcher hated it to accept help in certain matters.So you gave him a reassuring smile and enjoyed the moment of peace between the two of you.

,,You know that I like you having with me and that I like you just as you are.Not just when I need your help.'' he said a bit lower, since you sat closer to him by now.

You had just let those words pass without a comment and shifted a bit in his arms.You liked Butcher but you knew he was good in manipulating people.

,,Honestly Y/N.Please know this.'' he added, when he seemed to know what you had on your mind.

,,You're sometimes really sweet Butcher.I miss this.'' you said not quite sure if you meant this current moment as well.

,,You know I can't always be like that.'' Butcher said honestly.

,,Never said I don't like your other said.The only thing I really don't like is your cunt attitude.'' you said in a whisper to still keep Daisy away from those words.

This seemed to put a smile on Butcher's face.It almost felt like a deal you just had made.

The scene got interrupted by a bang behind you.With no hesitation your turned around, while keeping Daisy near against your breast only to see Hughie, Frenchie and Kimiko approaching you.According to Hughie's smirk you had a feeling who had thrown the snowball, the last bits of his remains still clang on the bench.

There it was again.Butcher's tense fists, even though it was Hughie.His arm around you shoved you closer to him.Even though you liked the fact that he looked after you, you would need to keep this thing between the two of your going.Butcher might needed some comfort but also someone to show him his boundaries of his struggles.

You freed yourself out of his embrace and gave him a smirk before handing him Daisy over, who luckily hasn't mind the bang at all.

,,Maybe you can keep her for a second? That would be a good start.Just need to teach Hughie a lesson.'' you said ironically and started to make your first snowball before you ran towards him.

Butcher looked after you.The view of you falling into the snow due to your attempt to bring Hughie to the ground, made him chuckle.You might were not the most mature person now and than, but you still could take responsibility over something he still had to learn.Maybe that was the reason he liked you.Both was good.

[finaledenialist]

so in one of your asks you said you dont think cas was in love with dean since the beginning and idk its interesting to me because everyone seem to think he was from the start so what is your take on that? idk im just curious haha

ohhh I wanted to make a post about this so thanks for asking!

disclaimer: I don’t want to rain on anyone’s parade I just have a different take on this whole thing!!! 

So. I see people are like: OMG he was in love ALL THIS TIME SINCE 4x01 and I am like: no. 

Was he lost since he laid his hand on Dean in hell? Yes. Was he instantly in love? Nah.

See, Cas in season 4 and 5 is starting to feel. He is conflicted, he is questioning, he doesn’t have ‘people skills’, he is confused by what he feels, he knows there is a ‘profound bond’ between him and Dean and he is rebelling for Dean, because Dean has a point and Cas feels Dean is right and apocalypse and destruction are wrong, and this human is so human and he never had that connection before. Add the sexual innuendos, the eye fucking and the tension between those two and this is what i call ‘classic destiel’. I do have a strong feeling this is partly Jensen’s and Misha’s fault though haha but I am also convinced that the jokes like ‘Cas, get out of my ass!’/’Blow me Cas’ are purely for ‘comedic purposes’ because haha gay so funny (keep in mind it’s still 2008/2009 and things were so different then BUT we still got Endverse which had not only sexual stuff implied but romantic as well - ‘all we have left, Dean and I, is each other, if Dean says it’s time to go in a blaze of glory, so be it’ (I am writing this from memory so these might not have been exact lines but you know what I am talking about).

And then in season 6 and 7 is where things start to get romantic. ‘I watched you rake leaves’, Dean’s blind faith that no, Cas can’t be working with Crowley behind their backs because come on it’s Cas and the whole 6x20 episode is *chief’s kiss* and then season 7 and Cas dies to make things right and Dean keeps his trenchcoat and moves it from every car they have been using that season to always have it with him because part of me always believed you’d come back. OK, but I was meant to be talking mostly about Cas’ point of view. Which takes me back to 7x23 and I’d rather have you, cursed or not. I think these words had a major impact on Cas. Something just clicked. Because he realized that he could say these exact same words to Dean and they still would be true. 

And then we got season 8 which was a major shift and it really moved stuff from ‘sexual tension’ to ‘romantic tension’ and it’s still called ‘season fanfiction’ because I wanted to keep them away from you in purgatory and Cas generally not feeling worthy of anything but I think this is when he started to realize that what he feels is not like ‘brotherly friendship’ but something much deeper but he had his issues (I don’t deserve to be saved from purgatory thing) so he kind of kept it buried. But this was when the Real Love really started. But did he admit it to himself? Well I am not in Cas’ head but something must have been on his mind - Naomi had access too his mind and she immediately recognized that there is a certain Feeling that is dangerous and Cas needs to be fucking lobotomized (I still have shivers thinking about it). Did Naomi knew it was love? Idk, but she felt something was going on - that is why she tried to mess things up between Dean and Cas (I only wish he felt the same way ouch my heart....) and Metatron also recognized it, quicker and better (maybe because he spent much more time on earth and was generally a little more powerful and knowing as the scribe of God) and he immediately used Cas’ grace to banish angels from heaven because Cas was feeling love for a human. But did he, himself recognized it as love? Did he admit it to himself? I still have a feeling that no. I still think that his ‘I don’t know’ after Dean’s ‘What broke the connection?’ was honest.

Now let me fast forward to season 12, because this post is getting too long already and while seasons 9-11 had some good episodes and even good destiel scenes I feel this was the time many people - rightly so - were starting to lose faith in canon destiel, starting with Dean not letting Cas stay in the bunker in season 9 and bros acting like they only call Cas when they need him. I repeat - there were still some good episodes, even great ones. And we were shown Cas worried about Dean and being there for him anytime Dean called, there was so much pining but once again let me raise The Question: did Cas know what he was feeling was love? Or was he still confused, not letting himself believe, not being able to name his own feelings and emotions? And this is merely my opinion but this is also time where many people started to be bitter and negative by how writers treated Cas (and other characters in general but I am not gonna dive into that dumpster now, especially the Cas-having-sex-with-a-reaper thing which was awful, but in retrospect is even more awful because if it was Chuck’s writing this seems like some kind of sick attempt to do a conversion therapy and I want to throw up; plus he thought? he was into his boss at gas’n’sip and he thought she was into him and what even was it if not a. bad writing; b. Cas being confused; c. Cas being confused about this bad writing).

So season 12. First of all 12x12, when Cas thought he is gonna die and the infamous line ‘I love you. I love all of you’ happened. I  am 100% sure this is when Cas realized. This must have prompted questions for him. Why did I say what I said? He blurted those words out but why like that? Aaaand after some thinking I think he realized why. He must’ve been like ‘oooops’. But then Jack was about to be born and he had to protect Kelly and then he died.

And then he is in the Empty who says - I know who you love, I know what you fear, there is nothing for you out there. She doesn’t know shit, she just has access to Cas’ mind and apparently those were his thoughts, already at that time, he thought there was nothing for him out there (again, his depression issues) BUT THEN CAS, MY SWEET CAS, THIS BAD ASS MOTHERFUCKER says fuck you Empty in one of his best monologues (before 15x18 I’d say it was his best but here we are) and she yeets him out, because HE decided HE is already saved and he doesn’t need a permission and you can preen and you can scream and yell and remind me of my failings but somehow, I'm awake. And I will stay awake and I will keep you awake until we both go insane. I will fight you. Fight you and fight you for... ever. For eternity. 

And then Jack dies and he takes the humiliating deal.  And now we’re at 15x18 and he says: ‘I have always wondered.... ever since I took that burden.... What my true happiness can even look like... Because the one thing I want is the one thing I can’t have’. SEE THESE WORDS HERE ARE WHY I CAN’T SLEEP AT NIGHT. BECAUSE THEY IMPLY at least to me THAT:

1. He was aware of his feelings, he knew what he felt was love at the time he took the deal. and after that he was like ‘I guess I am immortal now’ because the one thing I want is the one thing I can’t have so nothing else is going to make him truly happy; this also implies that there is only one thing he truly wants and the rest is just not that important, whatever else happens won’t make him happy which is heartbreaking;

2. He knew what he wanted, so this means that at some point he wondered, he imagined, he took his time to picture the ‘thing’ he wanted. Which is life with Dean. Because he is in love. LIKE HE THOUGHT ABOUT THIS, HE REALLY DID AND HE CONCLUDED THAT THIS IS OUT OF HIS REACH (now people argue if that is because he thinks it’s unrequited or because he thinks that something something hunter life-fighting all the time-no attachments lifestyle won’t allow them to have this sort of life - and frankly, knowing that he learned everything, or almost everything about emotions from Dean, who isn’t really good at them, I am not surprised if he is sure that this feeling is one-sided, because maybe he conquered his fears in the Empty the first time around but taking the deal must have made him anxious and Chuck still calls him self-hating so he probably thinks this is one-sided and he is unworthy of love anyway);

3. He tried to imagine different scenarios that would make him happy but eventually it all came down to That One True Scenario, out of his reach, that couldn’t compare with anything else, and he tells Jack - you know about that deal, it’s ok, I don’t see myself becoming happy anytime soon AND IT HURTSSS

so to conclude and tl;dr - I think Cas realized that what he was feeling was love after 12x12 although he felt it before but might have been confused by it. I do not think he was ~in love~ since 4x01. There was tension and there was pining but no. This feeling evolved, it didn’t *just* happen in the barn. 

also i am so sorry this took so long but i have thoughts and feelings and can’t form a coherent sentence since november 5th anyway thanks for asking nonny, ily!!!!

[thegeminisage]

Here's something I'd love your take on: I read a meta recently (would link it but I can't remember where, ack) that suggested that Sam is able to forgive John in later seasons because a) he's had the whole "family making unilateral decisions for your own good" thing repeatedly shoved down his throat, and b) whatever John did under this umbrella in their childhoods, Dean has done far worse by that point, and Sam HAS to forgive him so by extension he can't really be mad at John anymore (1/2)

(2/2) As someone who has admittedly only seen bits and pieces of the later seasons, this seems to jive with Sam losing a lot of his characteristic early-seasons anger, letting Dean call the shots almost all the time even when he thinks it's the wrong move, and moments of sympathy for John (contrasted w/Dean's growing resentment, which is so interesting!). But! I got some big ol' gaps in my spn comprehension, so was curious if you had any thoughts on this dynamic

wow okay long answer warning! i got carried away and forgot how to use punctuation. nobody is obligated to read all of this lol and the biggest part of the answer is behind a cut. anyway!!

first things first: i think a big thing to remember with sam’s characterization in later seasons is that it’s like...not there, and when it is there, it’s sometimes flat and inconsistent. because dean became sole the main protagonist after the first 8 (arguably the first 5 or even first 2) seasons, sam sort of got demoted to “side character we don’t know what to do with” along with cas and crowley. they all had good arcs pop up now and then (sam had some fun stuff going on with lucifer in s11 and s13) but most of the time the writers either don’t know how to give him a meaningful characterization or don’t care (or both). so we have to do a lot of that work ourselves. 

so, for example, when we talk about sam losing his anger, i like to read it as him OVERCOMING that anger to avoid becoming his father (which may even be where some of the seemingly sympathetic comments come from, because he’s trying to be forgiving instead of angry), but really...it’s that the writers forgot he had anger issues. in-universe explanation vs irl explanation, yk? and i think pretty much all meta about sam in late seasons is written through that lens, whether the writer of that meta knows it or not. including this one! i can’t prove any of this shit, it’s my personal reading, i’m making it up. like there were just SO many different people involved in the production of supernatural that there was a lot of conflict and contradictions in things like continuity and characterization. (most of the writers room hadn’t even seen every episode!) so there’s not one definitive way to go about it. in many ways it makes the characters more nuanced and in many other ways it makes me fucking insane.

as for sam and john and whether or not sam forgives him, i’m actually glad you asked because this has been driving me nuts for a long time and it took me SO LONG to pin it down - sam’s relationship with john is very different to dean’s, and i couldn’t figure out WHY. it’s not that he was “abused less,” it’s not that he loved john less or was less hurt by his actions, so why doesn’t he seem as INVESTED in everything that happened to them as kids? like he says in season 14 he had to learn to let it go and that it was all a lifetime ago for him. meanwhile i think dean still deals with it every day. he’s still stewing in it to some degree 24/7. so like what’s the difference??

i think it comes down to two things. firstly, that while dean didn’t have anybody parenting him except john (and mary, but only for a very short time that he could actually remember), SAM’S parents were john AND DEAN. most of the time dean was the one raising sam, and in fact he arguably did way more parenting of sam than john did. so the person that made dean feel safe and like he could fight back against monsters, the person he was grateful to, was john. but the person who made SAM feel safest was dean. he doesn’t have that same gratitude towards john that dean does and he never will, because of how john made him feel alienated and excluded from their family growing up. dean’s resentment of john is so tangled up in this very deep and unconditional love and gratitude for him that sam just doesn’t have. 

secondly, i think dean has a serious case of “i can fix him” re: john that sam doesn’t have and possibly never had. john just never showed sam the same kind of inclusion and warmth and trust that he showed dean (however rarely he showed it, and however fucked up it was). i think sam figured out very very early on that their quest for yellow eyes was either a long shot or straight up impossible, and that they couldn’t waste their entire lives doing it, and that even if the demon died, john was never going to change. dean 100% drank the koolaid - he really truly believed in a world where someday they’d kill the demon and all retire from the life and be normal and be a family again, because that’s what john said and dean took his father’s word as gospel. sam knew better.

so i think what sam did was just disengage. partially because he felt he couldn’t afford to nurse that kind of anger and not become either his father or lucifer, and partially because even though sam loved john, still loves john, he never needed him the way dean did, because sam had dean. so it doesn’t hurt him as much to just “gray rock” it. i think if sam stopped and really dug into it he’d find that he’s still quite angry (probably more angry on dean’s behalf than his own, at least at first, because in his mind he was able to move past it and dean was not, dean had it worse, HIS OWN trauma isn’t real etc etc), but he doesn’t do that because he doesn’t want to be that angry, and possibly even thinks that if he brought it up dean would jump to john’s defense and it would cause a fight, which the opposite of what a gray rock does.

as for being forced to forgive john because if he didn’t he would also have to condemn dean...i don’t think i buy that at all. sam is fine making dean his exception and he allows dean to get away with a lot of deeply horrible shit he would condemn other people for. partially because he’s dean and sam loves him, but in my ~personal reading~ of sam, this is also because once sam became an adult the weight of everything dean did and had to give up to raise him really sank in, and part of him felt guilty (even though sam arguably didn’t have a childhood either). you know how kids take care of their parents in old age to repay them for raising them? that’s sort of how sam is with dean in later seasons - he implies multiple times that he would leave the hunting life forever and not look back if it weren’t for dean.

and as a side note - sorry, this is only tangentially related - dean implies several times in later seasons that the job is where he finds his sense of accomplishment and self-esteem and meaning - he believes the world is a better place because of what he and sam do, and even though he doesn’t always like DOING the job, he likes the outcome. it’s weird because this is as close as we see dean get to even HAVING self esteem. sam, emotionally intelligent, would have picked up on that - and since he and dean have both tried to leave the life multiple times and have always come to regret it, i also think part of sam believes you CAN’T escape - certainly SAM could never escape so long as dean was still in it, because whether he meant to or not dean would always pull him back in. and part of dean doesn’t really want to escape because he’s made his peace with it. so sam stays, and i think even if he can’t find the same meaning in the job that dean does, he finds a lot of meaning in being there for dean. (this, like gray rocking, is also consistent with the seasons where sam’s sole character trait is caring about dean lol. but i’m happy enough to read it in a kinder and less bitter/resentful way.)

it IS worth noting i think that the most forgiving sam ever was about john was in the adam episode, where he said he understood why he was the way he was and why he did what he did, and when dean said they were alike sam decided to take it as a compliment. sam in season 4 is arguably at one of his lowest points - struggling with addiction, consumed by anger and hatred and the need for revenge. he WAS like john in many ways, and i think he justified what john was doing because it also justified what HE was doing. but what he was doing led to breaking lucifer out of hell and the apocalypse that followed, which is why i like to think sam worked so hard to reign in his anger afterward - both to avoid his fate and avoid becoming his father.

in short: i don’t think sam has actually forgiven john so much as disengaged from him and moved past it. because if he DID engage with it, it’d bring up a whole lot of stuff he didn’t feel prepared to deal with. one of the risks of gray rocking things is doing it to the point that you lose touch with your own wants and needs and personality, so i think by late seasons sam’s repression, which is much more sneaky and quiet than dean’s, has settled in to the point where he’s like “yeah whatever” about dad out of sheer self preservation - because otherwise, he’d end up going crazy about it like dean does. i think it’d do him a hell of a lot of good to be able to get to shout at john and finally say his piece/ he’s really afraid of his own anger, but i think it’d be healthy for him to get back in touch with some of it.

[spn masterpost]

[thedaggerlover]

Poppy and Cas imagine.

Request -" imagine where poppy is bored, so she goes looking around the stuff in their room. And she finds Miss Willa’s diary. And starts reading it and sometime later, Cas walks in to see her asleep with the diary in her hands and smiles to himself."

A.N - this is a completely imaginary fic. I know that this doesn't match the actual plotline, but I thought we needed something like this after the bomb that JLA dropped. Also, if you haven't heard the news, JLA released the first 3 chapters of #TCOGB. Go check it out, link in her insta bio. And, don't forget to check out my FBAA fanfic/book on Wattpad. here

Word Count - 1354

Poppy’s P.O.V

It’s been a week since...well, a lot happened. Since the day we reached Atlantia. The day my husband bowed in front of me and called me his queen. His wife. The day I found out about my incredibly odd heritage.

I had a lot of questions. Some of them, the answers were nowhere to be found. To say my introduction to my in-laws was interesting would be an understatement. We were still in Saion’s Cove. At Least until we figure some stuff out. The people here are not exactly welcoming towards me. But, they never said anything bad/harsh to me either. And that was because they feared me. I could feel it. Whenever we were in the dining hall, having supper, or when Kieran or Casteel took me to show the city around, I could feel the stares of people on me along with a bitter taste of distrust and fear. Their fear usually clouded any tiny amount of happiness that their prince has returned. Casteel knew it. But, neither of us spoke about that, because, after what happened near the chambers of Nyktos, we knew that this was sure to happen. I mean, if you saw someone make blood rain from the sky, and someone who can turn your emotions onto you, can you be blamed for being scared?

The whole week, I rarely saw Casteel’s parents. I saw them only during lunch and supper and during our meetings with the people of Saion’s Cove, which usually made me feel incredibly uncomfortable with all the attention.

Today, I woke up to someone, or something brushing my nose. I opened my eyes to see a smiling Casteel holding a feather near my nose. The look in his eyes can only be described as mischievous. Before I could open my mouth, his hands were at my side, his legs on either side of mine as he straddled me. “ Good morning, My Queen”, He said before he started tickling me. That bastard. I tried to push him off me, only to have him hold me down with his hips. “Stop!” I yelled, between giggles/laughs. “Casteel! Stop!”.

He just laughed. My stomach was aching due to laughing so hard. “Casteel! Stop it now!”

He pulled away, grinning. I focused on my breathing, taking deep breaths to regain my breath. When I did, he leaned in again, but before he could do anything, I flipped him onto the bed and straddled him, holding his hands up above his head. He chuckled. “You do realize that you look so incredibly hot sitting on top of me. Right?” I flushed. Gods! Can he be any more annoying? “ You are twisted” I muttered, only to receive a chuckle in return. “And you love it.” He said. True.

We were silent for a moment, staring into each other's eyes. He slowly leaned up, brushing his lips against mine. I let go of his hands as he pulled me onto him without breaking the kiss, His hands went to my hair as I wrapped mine around his neck. His fangs grazed my lower lip, making me gasp. My lips parted and he deepened the kiss, letting his tongue explore my mouth. I pulled away for breath. This didn’t stop him as his lips moved to my jaw, my neck, and below…

-------------------time skipp--------------------

If I sit here for one more minute, I would probably burst into flames. After, well, our little session in the morning, Casteel suggested we have a * lazy* day, stay in our chamber all day long and do nothing. Of course, I denied it. So, we went out to the meadow to spar. That helped me take my mind off things. And honestly, I felt a lot better after the few -intriguing- days we have had.

“Princess, I could watch you fight all day long.” He said when we returned after about an hour. Then, he decided to show me around the place. And the only place I absolutely loved was the library. It was huge. When I say huge, I mean, a library twice the size of what we had in Castle Teerman. And that was a big one.

When we returned to our chamber after lunch, Kieran had turned up at our door, saying that Casteel’s father wanted to see him. He told me it wouldn’t take long and left after kissing my forehead. And now, here I was, bored out of my mind. I had nothing to do except, well, wait.

And at the moment, I was ready to do anything but that. So, I decided to look around the room.

Our bed-chamber was similar to the one we had in Spressa’s End. It had a cupboard, a four-poster bed, and a liquor cabinet. There was a large window with floor-length curtains on the east.

On the other side, there was a small fireplace with some cushions near it. On the table near the bed, there was a basket of laundered clothes. I looked for something comfortable and changed into a light blue nightgown that barely reached my knees.

Now, I had to choose to either read a book I took from the library or take a nap. I opted for the former and picked up a random book from the pile on the bedside cupboard. My expression changed as I saw the title. “The diary of Miss Willa Collins” was written in italics on the cover. I smiled, remembering the first time Hawke caught me reading this book; I was hanging from the Duke’s window. And then, he teased me innumerable times after that. I can’t believe he brought it with him. I flushed remembering the times he brought up this book when we were talking and when he said about how inappropriate it was for a “maiden” to read it. (ofc he was joking)

I sit down by the fireplace with the book in my hands and start reading.

“His appearance could only be described as god-like, with the beads of sweat glistening on his forehead, his blond hair all messed up, and gods, his touch should be forbidden, A gasp escaped my lips as he blew lightly on my stomach. His blue eyes were clouded with lust as he kissed his way up. As his mouth traveled north, his hand slowly made its way south, below my navel, and even lower, earning a moan from me……”

My eyelids felt heavy as I read, and I fell asleep soon after.

-------------------------

Casteel’s POV (This is gonna be fun)

“Inform Nova that we will have a few more people ready for training by dusk today.”, I say Delano as we head back to my chamber. Kieran had left halfway through the meeting when Jasper called for him. So, I asked Delano to find some volunteers to train to be sent to Spressa’s end. After the attack, we lost many lives. To prevent further losses, father thought it was best to send some warriors there. Kieran suggested that we have the people here ready in case of another attack, which we suspect would be soon.

“ Okay, see you at supper, Cas.” Delano said as we near the chamber. With a smile, I nod and open the door to my room. I can finally spend some quality time with my wife. And after the meeting with my father, I sure as hell need it. He wasn’t exactly fond of her yet, but I am sure he will come around. I walk in to see Poppy asleep near the fireplace with a book in her hands. She looked so peaceful and adorable.

I pick up the book from her hands and notice that it was Miss Willa’s diary. I smile at her interesting choice of reading and lift her in my arms. I walk up to the bed and lay her there. I climb up beside her and drape the blanket over us, snuggling closer to her. “Such a dirty mind, Princess ”, I murmur as I close my eyes and drift off to sleep.

------------------------

[wormstacheangel]

Almost: Ch. 2

Hello! I promised a part two and here it is! Read it on AO3 link (maybe leave a nice comment?) Read part one here on tumblr.

Summary: It’s a best friends to strangers to seeing each other years later with mutual pining AU. Dean drives Cas back home after that shocking turn of events and he realizes his feelings have not changed. 

Word count: 1737 (More Under the Cut)

“Engaged?” Dean has said the word out loud three times, watching as Cas slipped his glove back on before picking the bags off the floor.

“You know just cause you keep saying it, it doesn’t make it any less true.” Cas rolled his shoulders back but he couldn't even meet Dean’s eyes.

Coward . Dean thinks to himself as his hands balled up into a fist when he shoves them into his overall pockets.

“I should get going.” Cas finally says again when he finally looks up but his eyes are looking past Dean. Almost as if he was forcing himself to not look at him. Dean recognizes this look though. Cas was squishing his face again, he was about to cry.

He takes a step forward out of instinct but then pulls back. “Why’d you kiss me if you were just gonna run away again?”

He tried to keep his voice even.

Cas looked away from him again, a small shrug as he shuffled his feet. “I-I honestly don’t know.”

“Bull.”

“Dean, I don’t know!” Cas finally meets his gaze, his eyes watery, but his stubborn ass wouldn’t let them fall. “You were just there and - fuck, Dean! I never thought I was going to see you again!”

“So, what are you saying?” Dean took a step towards him again and Cas stood still, his mouth in a tight line as he watched Dean with a shaky gaze. “Do you still love me?”

“Dean.” Cas’s eyebrows dropped at the same time he blinked tears. “Don’t do this.”

Dean took another step towards him, to hover over Cas but kept his hands deep in his pockets. “You do. Don’t you?”

His voice sounded way too hopeful for his liking but Cas was just a reach away. He could pull him in again and just hold him for a few more seconds. Pretend everything was okay for just a while longer.

Cas swallowed hard as he kept his gaze on Dean. Finally looking at him, almost studying him, before Cas shook his head slowly.

Dean crumbled.

“I love him . I am marrying him .” Cas held his chin up as he looked back at Dean, ocean eyes blinking away rivers of tears. “I-I’m sorry that I...that I hurt you but-”

“Hurt me? You didn’t fucken hurt me!” It was anger that was escaping. Something he can shield himself with because he didn’t expect this today.

“Oh,” Cas was taken back, eyes widened for just a second before they glared back at him. Not backing down as his next words spit out the same venom Dean’s words just did. “Sorry to fucking assume then!”

Kiss him! The little voice in Dean’s head screamed at him. Kiss him or you’ll lose him. Again.

Dean looked down at Cas’s lips, still pink and plump, maybe a little bit chapped, but perfect. He saw his tongue nervously stick out to lick his lower lip before he met Cas’s gaze. He looked hurt.

Dean couldn’t look at him anymore.

“Just get in the car, Cas.” Dean grabbed the bags from Cas’s death grip, pulled on them hard enough before he opened the door to the back seat to throw the bags inside. He already dropped the bags twice so he really wished there was nothing breakable in there.

“What?” Cas stood there confused. Feet shuffling again as he grabbed the lapels of his coat to wrap it around him tighter.

Dean looked at him once again before walking over to the driver’s side, rubbing at the back of his neck as he walked. “I’m driving you home, dumbass.”

“Oh.” Cas reached for the door handle before he met Dean’s gaze across the top of the car. “Dean, are you sure? I could easily just-”

“It’s just a damn ride. You’re cold aren’t you?”

“I am.” Cas nodded before his expression softened. “If you’re sure.”

Dean rolled his eyes as he opened his door and slid into the driver's seat. “Whatever.”

Cas slid in beside him not a second later and the air inside changed drastically. Almost suffocating with the electric charge in the air but Dean white knuckled the steering wheel for just a second before turning the car on. When he turned to look at Cas in the passenger seat he found him already going through the box of cassette tapes.

It was a comforting and familiar sight.

Cas remembered his routine in the car. He finally found the tape he was looking for, Dean’s face reddened at the sight of the old mixtape, and he pushed the eject button on the tape deck. Replacing the Metallica tape for the mixtape Dean made Cas back in high school. That dumbass probably still didn’t realize what that meant.

He presses play and then turns on the heaters before he starts rewinding the Metallica tape. So it’ll be ready for when Dean wants to listen to it again.

As the first beat of Tangerine starts to fill the car, Cas turns to give Dean a small smile with one eyebrow raised. As if asking him why he hasn’t started driving yet.

“Yeah,” Dean swallows as he tightens his hold on the wheel. “Okay.”

It was a quiet drive to the Novaks. Cas busied himself with rewinding tapes that Dean just never bothered to do. The car was starting to get too warm but he wasn’t sure if it was because of the heater or because Cas was in the car.

What are they even supposed to say to each other now? Cas didn’t love him anymore and - fuck he didn’t even know he held on to hope that he would - it hurt like hell knowing he loved someone else.

Dean really thought he buried all those feelings of love and... love . Especially when it made no sense to be in love with a guy he hasn't seen in 5-frickin-years. People change in time. Dean sure as hell wasn't the same guy. He couldn't expect Cas to stay the same.

To still love him.

They moved on. That’s good. That’s how life works but fuck! Why does this shit have to be so much more complicated? He’s engaged for fucks sake!

Dean sneaked a peek at Cas. He was humming along to Black Dog , his mouth mouthing to the words as his eyes shut tight while he was rewinding a Lynyrd Skynyrd tape His head bopped to the beat as he enjoyed the song with a smile on his face. And Dean felt like he was a senior in high school again. Secretly in love with his high school best friend and dealing with the gay panic all on his own.

Then their six-year friendship ended after they finished their two-year general ed at their local community college. Dean only got it cause Cas kept pushing him to do so and after it was all done Cas said goodbye.

Finally kissing him, only to lose him.

Again!

Dean banged his head against the steering wheel when he stopped at a stop sign.

“Dean?” He heard Cas’s voice call out to him and Dean looked ahead at the road when he started to drive. Turning into Cas’s old house. The route is as familiar as going to his own house. Dean only hummed a response, raising his chin to show Cas he was listening. “Are you coming to the funeral?”

“Was planning on it but if you don’t want me-”

“Don’t be stupid.” Dean can hear Cas rolling his eyes. “ I’m just wondering. I’m not asking you not to go.”

“Then why are you asking?” Dean asked as he slowed the car to park in front of the Novak’s house. He notices the cars that were already parked in the driveway before he turns to look at Cas. Maybe his words came out harsher than he intended them because Cas’s jaw was clenching.

“Mick is gonna be there.” Cas tells him while he tucked the box of tapes back under the seat. Not looking at Dean again.

“Mick? Who the hell is - oh!” Dean chuckled as he looked away from Cas to look down at his own hands gripping the wheel again. Ready to just get out of here and hopefully stuff it back down the rabbit hole in his mind where he would never have to think about it again. Dean repeated his name slowly and even he could hear the bitterness in his tone. “Mick.”

“Yes. Mick.” Dean can once again hear Cas roll his eyes, annoyed. “My fiancé.”

“Dumb name but whatever.” Dean shrugged as he sat straighter in his seat. “I won’t fucken fight him or whatever if that’s what you’re fucken worried about.”

“I’m not, dumbass. I just wanted to,” Cas sighed, sounding a bit defeated, so Dean finally turns to look at him. He looked small. Nervous as he fidgeted with his dumb coat again. “I wanted you to like him.”

“Oh.” Was all he could say.

Cas sighed as his shoulders hunched forward. “I’m sorry. I know it’s too much to ask for-”

“Yeah, Cas, it's a lot to fucken ask for!” Cas's whole body winced but right now Dean didn’t care. “I just kissed his damn fiancé and I want to do it again so fucken badly,” Cas’s eyes finally looked up to meet his gaze but Dean looked away. “And you want me to face the poor bastard? No, Cas. I-I won’t.”

“I’m sorry.” Dean could see from the corner of his eye that Cas reached for him and then pulled his hand back. Dean didn’t know if that was a good thing or a bad thing. “I’ll just keep my distance.”

“Probably for the best.”

“Yeah. Probably.”

Cas then opened his door and got out into the cold air. Dean didn’t look back when he opened the back door to get his things from the back seat.

“I’ll see you tomorrow then.” Cas quietly said as he shuffled the bags into his hands. Dean nodded, already starting the car again. “Bye.”

“Yeah. Bye.”

Cas let out a tired sigh. “I’m sorry, Dean.”

Dean didn’t say anything, didn’t even sneak a peek at Cas through the rearview mirror.

“Thanks for the ride. It was...nice.” And then the door slammed closed.

As soon as he heard the door closed he sped away. Ejecting the mixtape from the tape deck and throwing it into the back seat.

[im-like-if-a-girl]

*THE* mean-girl-dean-girl's Supernatural reboot MEGAPOST!

I'm gonna stick a little "keeping reading" here because hoooooo boy, this is a very long post.

Let's start with

Plot

Season 1

Dean kills John while they are out on a hunt in a crime of passion, but Dean doesn't remember because he blacked out. Cue Dean going to Stanford to get Sam and tell him "Dad's on a hunting trip... and he hasn't been home in a couple days."

The audience doesn't know what happened to John, but slowly figures it out with Dean and Sam as Dean slowly remembers what happened that night.

The entire first season, the boys are following the trail John left and fighting monsters as well. They find out Dean was with John, Sam realizes Dean has an unreliable memory, they have heart to hearts about their childhood and the fire, they find John's body, "how could you kill Dad?" but maybe Dean didn't kill dad, whooaaaaaa, misdirection.

It was actually good ole yeller eyes (Azazel) and he made it look like Dean killed John.

Okay, now let's move on to the first episode

Not sure how the opening would work, I would like the story of the fire to be revealed over the course of the first season, but maybe the opening scene could be a little bit of an establishing character relationships and backstory, idk, I haven't thought that far yet.

I'm thinking maybe it's like, Dean gets back to a motel room covered in blood and he listens to a voicemail on his phone from John saying he was on a hunt or something, I don't really know lol.

HOWEVER

I do know that after the intro rolls, we get a scene of Sam waking up to his alarm and "Nine to Five" by Dolly Parton starts playing.

Y'all know where this is going.

Cue a montage of Sam's normal Stanford college life (him sitting through lectures, walking through the campus with friends) spliced with scenes of Dean absolutely slaughtering a nest of vampires (or some other monsters, whatever works best.)

But

Now onto

Characters!!! (And descriptions)

Dean Winchester

Some lovely person on this site made edits of Dean with platinum blond hair and it made me feel some kind of way so we're doing that, homie's gonna have platinum blond hair

Side note about the hair, later when the brothers are running from the FBI he dyes it a dirty blond/light brown (insert jackles hair color controversy here) as a disguise.

He also gets tattoos because we were robbed.

Speaking of tattoos, concept: when Dean comes back from Hell, all of his tattoos are gone. His body is a clean slate, devoid of tattoos, scars, etc. So he gets his tattoos done all over again, which he doesn't mind because he made some bad, drunk tattoo decisions in his youth.

(And before you ask, yes, he does get one for Cas, either a bee or Cas's name in enochian, something cute.)

Dean goes to therapy after Sam gets sent to the Cage.

It's actually court mandated because he got in trouble, lol, he would never go to therapy on his own.

Along with the hair, Dean gets to be the grade A twunk we all know he is.

Sam Winchester

His hair gets longer in every scene he's in

No jk, but imagine

King of Microaggressions

Sam starts off like the sweetheart he is in season 1 but in later seasons he starts enjoying killing a little too much...

It's that demon blood, ba-by!!!

He brings up issues of morality to Dean, i.e. killing monsters who aren't hurting anyone. (Yes I know this is contradictory to my previous statement, but these two facets of Sam can and will coexist.)

Sam and Jess's relationship is explored further, meaning we'll need to start with a different inciting incident, but that's fine, I think everyone can agree fridgings are *(thumbs down)*

Sam doesn't truly know what happened the night of the fire until later, and then he understands why Dean is so protective of him.

Jess

She gets to live beyond the first episode

She is also trans

No, I don't feel like I have to explain myself and I won't 💜

She urges Sam to join Dean in a search for their brother, kind of gets pulled into the hunter lifestyle by association lol.

She dies on a rusty nail after fighting vampires on a routine hunt with Sam

No jk!!!

But imagine....

She's amazing and I love her and Lucifer also uses her as leverage against Sam and possesses her because I think that'd be cool.

She supports Sam 100% and also she and Dean are buddies, pals if you will.

She meets Cas Thee El and immediately she Knows, that is a homosexual.

She dies still so that we can have a Saileen Endgame but she's not dying the first episode or in a fridging. Not on my watch.

Castiel

He gets to keep his raw, light-fixture-exploding power.

I want more of that "I pulled you out of hell, I can throw you back in" energy except over dumb shit like Dean not cleaning up after himself.

He looks like a Dilf in every scene he's in, yeah, that's right, dilf with a capital D for *(GUNSHOTS)* *(gets sent to horny jail)*

Claire

She gets pink hair

And more time with Cas

And maybe a nose piercing

Feel like she should be able to kill a couple angels onscreen, punch a couple homophobes

She gets to meet Jack and teaches him swears and fun slang words.

She deserves it.

Jack

I says "that's my baby and I'm proud."

Jack starts off as a baby, but like Amara he grows up super quickly.

Like, baby to 11 year old in a couple days or less.

This is because Jack's emotional age on the show is on par with that of a 5th grader.

It's at this point when he's a young kid that he runs away from the Bunker and shenanigans ensue.

It's also at this point that Dean threatens to k*ll him.

(Still not sure if I want that in my Supernatural (threatened infanticide? In my Supernatural? It's more likely than you think) but we'll see. We'll see.)

Throughout a majority of season 13, Jack is like an 11 y.o. kid

Season 14 he's like a 16 y.o. teenager

Season 15 he's 21, you get the picture.

Listen, I love Alex Calvert a lot. He's great.

But Jack is a child and should be a child.

Kelly Kline

Kelly, baby, stay right where you are, you're perfect.

Eileen

SHE DOESN'T DIE

SHE GETS TO BE IN THE FINALE BECAUSE SHE'S AMAZING AND I LOVE HER.

BLURRY WIFE WHO? I ONLY KNOW SAILEEN ENDGAME!

She teaches Claire and Jack swears in sign-language. Castiel is not impressed.

John

J*hn W*nchester stans, DNI.

He's dead.

We only see him in flashbacks and only sometimes hear his voice in voice overs.

He's not "down the road" from Dean in Heaven, in fact he instead gets to wander around in some Purgatory like Hell for the rest of his time :)

People who get to say "fuck" on the show:

Cas (but only Once)

Jody

Bobby

Now onto other things

I want more of

Ghostfacers

(they need more screentime because I love them)

Dean/Benny

We know they had a thing.

They definitely had a thing.

Demon Dean

Again, I feel like more should've been done with this. All that build up for what, 2 episodes? was not utilized well at all.

Dean's Bisexuality

Straight Dean truthers DNI, my Supernatural is a show about love and being true to yourself

You think Supernatural is a show about 2 straight brothers fighting monsters?

Naw bitch, this is a show about the Gay Experience

He will get to have relations with men on this show.

Of course, only after John dies does he, y'know, display it. Maybe he kisses Cas on his dad's grave just to fuck John over, make him roll in grave.

We all agree John would be/is a homophobe piece of shit, right?

Okay, glad we're on the same page.

Dads

3 men and a baby with Jack is what I'm saying.

I love it when the Trio are father-figures to younger troubled characters they see themselves in, even better if it's like reluctant-but-loving father figure, oh, that trope gets me every time :'^)

Dadstiel and DadDean are my favorites, but I like it when Sam plays "Uncle Sam" to kids too lol.

"Fellas, is it gay to want a tight knit family with your husband, his son, his vessel's daughter, your brother, his wife, your cop mother figure and her wife and their adopted daughters? Asking for a friend."

Garth

Biggest flaw of Supernatural was underutilizing Garth.

I will never not be bitter that Garth was only in like, 7 episodes out of the whole 15 season series.

Every episode with Garth gets immediately 5 times better.

I love Garth.

Follow ups on characters who had entire episodes featured around them and then just... vanished???

This is mostly about Jesse, the magic kid whose imagination ruled an entire town like, his daddy was a demon and nothing came of that kid??? Only one episode about him?? No follow up???

KID CAN MANIPULATE REALITY AND WE'RE NOT GONNA GET A FOLLOW UP ON THAT?????

Uh, there was that one episode with Ennis the guy whose girlfriend was killed by a monster? I think?? Who we never see again, that was weird.

Tamara from season 3, episode 1.

And of course-

Cassie

She was so cool, and then we never saw her again :////

She gets to be a badass.

Religious imagery

As a former Catholic school student who has become for the most part, disillusioned with religion, religious imagery in TV shows like Supernatural make my brain go "brrrrrr."

Fun episodes!!!

Like, after season 6 or so, there's a drop in funny episodes

I'm talking Changing Channels, The French Mistake type stuff. (Scoobynatural is an outlier and should not be counted.)

So anyway

In my version we would have more fun episodes

I'm thinking

GENDER-SWAP EPISODE, BABY!!

(why they didn't do that in the original, we'll never know.)

An episode where Dean gets to wear eyeliner

That's it, end of post.

I want less

Racism

Yeah I feel like this is self explanatory, nearly every reoccurring character in SPN is white, and black side characters normally die in the episode they first appear in, or they'll be featured as a villain (Uriel, Raphael, Billie, etc)

Also there's a lot of... uh... asian fetishism featured in the show (what with "Busty Asian Beauties) that's really gross, also Kevin was a bit of a stereotype...

Also also it's super yucky how they kill the gods from other religions like???? Uh??? That's super disrespectful, let's not do that????

I know Supernatural is like, inherently racist because monsters are a separate race that are seen as some dangerous "other" that must be eradicated by hunters in a form of genocide-

Okay we won't get into that but

Still

Stop killing all your POC

Fridgings/Unecessary murders of female characters

I know Supernatural starts with a fridging, so this will be a hard thing to remedy, but

One death that really pissed me off was the death of Charlie

Yeah, that was pointless and we're not doing that. Charlie gets to live and be an awesome aunt to Jack.

And also Claire

Charlie Bradbury Superiority

Charlie and Garth get to meet because they're nerd/geek solidarity.

British Men of Letters

I fucking hate these guys

They're "litcherally" the worst.

The worst part is that the actors they have playing the British AREN'T. EVEN. BRITISH.

And you can tell

Uh, and that's all for now, I'll add more later.

tag list for people who liked my "if this post gets one like I'll post my SPN reboot masterpost" post.

@darianyunidi @sarasidlesaid @crazybananaalpaca @playfulpanthress @ultfreakme @fififeelsmellow @heller-char @luna8eaton @princessmeganfire @insanebot109 @queenofnightsnow @mongoose-underthehouse

Thank you for the support, hope the wait was worth it.

[tintentrinkerin]

Harness & Spears

Chapter 5: Father’s Eyes

missed a chapter? Check out my Masterlist or AO3

Researching for a case a year after they quit first feels weird to Sam, he has to get used to all the programs, his usual agenda. Today it’s so much easier with some computer skills. No more libraries, no more grainy scans of articles in local papers. Today, you just have to open a search engine app on your phone or a computer and you will be able to find dozens of cases in an hour or two. Of course, there’s still the work of sorting the wheat from the chaff, but Jack is a big help. They sit in the library together and go search for cases. Cas is really sweet to them, just like a butler he offers hot beverages and sandwiches, even though Sam must really hold him back to go full on “Yes, sir”. They want a case, and there are hundreds of them, but also, after Jack became God he brought all the hunters back that Chuck had banished. Donna and Jody, a couple now, as they announced just months after Jack’s ascend, and her girls, all in the hunter business. They heard from Eileen sporadically, but after all that happened and how uneasy Sam felt about the whole manipulation (and he was absolutely certain Chuck pulled the strings there, even though, when they originally met, Sam was drawn to her - but nothing more), she kept her distance and operated in Ireland and also all over Europe. The hunters from the other universe also just hunted in small groups. Charlie and her girlfriend retired for good. And Sam was still bitter about his own behaviour - projecting ‘his’ Charlie on this woman, who was so much different. He knew she hacked some computers every now and then to prank some potential Dicks. Sam was connected to the hunters, most of them. He has been clear about him and Dean, Cas (and later Jack) not going hunting anymore. But now things changed and Sam needed to check if any other hunters were on the cases him and Jack might find interesting. Running in another couple of hunting buddies is not a problem on a personal level, but the mutual sabotage will happen. It’s Murphy’s Law. That’s why Sam has a plan. They will take cases other hunters wouldn’t like to do. There are several reasons for hunting in the first place and reasons which cases to pursue and which not. Let noble monster hunting and cleansing the world be some hunter’s motivation, revenge, the thrill (some people really were that sick and hunted monsters for the kicks) and of course. The money. Oh yes, the money. But the Winchester conglomerate doesn’t worry about money, that’s why Sam won’t look for cases that have to do with wealthy people or towns announcing rewards. Also, when he knew the kind of monster and that a lot of hunters were after these creatures for killing their kin or loved ones, he better didn’t interfere. You could hunt monsters for their venom or psychic abilities, their blessings or whatever. Something a friend of Dean did not so long ago and got himself killed for it.

It shouldn’t be anything exotic, the New Age brought new monsters, at least that’s what Jack says.

“I was God, yes, and I knew everything that Chuck knew, but believe it or not, not even Chuck knew all of his creatures. His mind is packed with the stuff he wanted to do or not to do - if you ask me he was a little like George R. R. Martin. Got lost in his own massive universe and all the detail. I tried to give all of it structure, that’s why some things on Earth changed, but after some time I thought my head would explode and I uh, outsourced some good stuff in new universes. Amara is way better in doing all of that, she created way more universes and new forms of life as I did. She and her brother - don’t get me started.”

Jack looks exhausted. “Does it sound weird, Sam? That I wanted to be down here with you, all of you, but especially you, and give Amara all that power?”

Sam smiles about Jack’s outbreak and that he obviously read Game of Thrones. “No, it’s not weird. You were with Amara and I bet she’s very pleasant company but she wasn’t what you longed for. You didn’t want to be God who’s in every drop of rain, and all that. It was noble and pure hearted and generous of you to try, but you were allowed to fail. But, speaking of Game of Thrones, I have a few questions regarding--”

Sam is rudely interrupted in his chatter with Jack when Dean comes into the library and sits down two chairs away from Jack. Jack immediately gets up.

“Uh, Sam, I will -errm, go pack my bags. I think you will find a good case.”

Sam sighs.

“I’ll be with you soon, baby. Just gimme a minute.”

Jack is quick as a flash and out of sight within seconds.

Dean scoffs while thudding his mug on the table. Coffee pours out and stains the wood.

“Easy on the furniture Dean, it’s not your enemy”, Sam says without looking up. He can’t show Dean his face right now or he will just erupt. He feels the heat in his cheeks and a hot tickle up his neck. Since Dean threw a mug after Sam yesterday they haven’t seen each other and to be frank, Sam could totally renounce any other encounter with Dean for a while. Plus, Sam has a hickey, because Jack went a little passionate, clingy and possessive last night, for whatever reason.

“Sorry, didn’t mean to interrupt you and… baby. ” The last word is like venom. As always. Dean wants to start another fight.

“I remember that I heard you calling Cas ‘daddy’ multiple times. You think that was really soothing for my wild imagination?”

“You call Jack what he is. A baby.”

“Another word, Dean, and you know I’ll knock you out. I have enough of your bullshit. You act like a jealous housewife. No, wait, more like a cuck!”

Dean scoffs and leaves.

“Do whatever you want, but don’t do it when I’m around or I’ll tear him apart.”

Sam sits here in shock. He has heard a lot from Dean about Jack, he has always been nasty to him and yes, even threatened to kill him twice, even was willing to execute him as part of Chuck’s evil plan. Yes, he was bitter about Mary and hell, how bitter Dean has been as Jack brought so many people back. All the ‘others’: Bobby and Charlie with her girlfriend. All these people. He brought Eileen back, and Dean thought it was to make Sam happy (and yes, that has been Jack’s intention, but ultimately it didn’t) and he was resistant to the arguments, that Mary was happy with John, she didn’t want to go back in this world she never felt like she fit in. He couldn’t be comforted by the messages Jack as a medium brought to Dean, that Mary loved him no matter what and that she will be happy when they meet again. Nothing could’ve soothed Dean’s aching. Sam understands that he’s hurt, but now, it just feels like Dean is angry at Jack for simply existing and then being so bold to love Sam.

Jack brought Cas back for Dean. He had risked a feud with the Empty that could only be avoided by Amara and Jack forcefully put the Regent of the Empty asleep. The Empty wasn’t sealed though, Rowena still reigned in hell, and still demons went to the Empty. But there are no angels on Earth anymore, Jack has naphil powers and even Cas regained some faint strength back, but Jack didn’t make new angels.

Jack really built a world in which it was possible for Dean and Cas to be together, he risked being invaded and maybe killed, since no one knows how really powerful the Empty was.

Why is nothing Jack does, no matter how universe shattering, unbelievably cosmic and holy and insane it is, not finally letting Dean the old grudge go?

It seems like everything he does just makes it worse.

Sam hides his face and in the safety of his own palms he allows to cry in fear for his own spiteful brother and soulmate. This will end badly if they don’t find a way to reconcile.

“You have to stop that, Dean” Cas says when Dean is back in the Deancave.

Cas is in his robe, nothing beneath. He looks pale and a little skinny. The last weeks have been hard on him and Dean knows it’s his fault. He makes his angel boyfriend sick. And yet he’s sick himself, and he’s kicking and fighting, with talons and teeth, words and throwing things after his brother. Also, he erupts the second Cas dares to mention it.

“Stop with what?”, he asks.

He picks the remote and wants to turn on the TV, loud metal music blasting but with a snap of a finger, the TV silent and it won’t turn back on.

“Castiel. Don’t fuck with me, I swear, I’m not in the mood.”

“You’re ‘not in the mood’ for weeks, maybe months. Why won’t you tell me what’s wrong? Why won’t you let me help?”

Dean’s eyes narrow dangerously as he faces the seraph.

“Help? How could you help? My brother fucks a toddler.”

Cas sighs and it sounds so endlessly sad. Defeated. Dean doesn’t want to see it, acknowledge it, that he is indeed very wrong. Jack is no toddler, Jack is no brat, Jack is so mighty he could really smite the whole bunker with a hiccup still, even though he’s not God anymore. Dean should be so damn careful. Dean should see how much Jack begs for his forgiveness and his approval.

But Dean can’t. And Dean won’t.

“Dean.”

Dean is so full of sorrow and fear, it hurts to hear his own name so gentle, so loving yet somehow fatherly. Cas loves him and Dean should be happy. He has been happy. The Empty had taken him away and Jack had fought to get him back. So they could be a family.

But this isn’t family to Dean. He’s around the person he loves the most, the person he loves with a burning, blinding insanity. He will never be happy like this.

Cas dares to come closer, around two steps away, offers Dean a hand. Dean can’t even look at him but he takes Cas’s hand and then pulls him in a desperate embrace.

“Shit, ‘m sorry, Cas. I don’t want to fight with you.”

It’s been a while, actually the last time Dean slept with Cas was the night when Jack asked him if Sam gay. This question is carved under his skin and if you look closely, you can see them shine through like thin red scars.

The streak won’t break today either.

“Will he ever stop hating me?”, Jack asks.

He has his suitcase packed, same as a backpack with snacks, water, headphones, his teddy Marvelous Marvin, a powerbank and, something he’s very proud of - his own angel blade. The only angels on earth are Jack and Castiel but the blade kills monsters just as well. He kneads the bundle of the purple blanket in his lap when he looks up to Sam.

Sam’s still tense from before, his eyes red and narrow, Sam must look like he didn’t sleep much or has been on a bender.

“I don’t know… I wish I knew what’s wrong with him.”

With a deep sigh Sam sinks beside Jack on the mattress. The bed creaks and a spring nudges in Sam’s butt cheek. Either they need a new mattress or they move in a room together, but Sam doesn’t dare to talk about these things yet. So far, he’s happy about the privacy. But he’s also constantly longing for Jack - a stalemate.

Jack leans against Sam’s shoulder and shyly feels for Sam’s hand. Sam is too glad to take it, intertwine their fingers and kiss Jack’s knuckles.

“It makes me sick, Sam. I’m afraid all the time he’s around. I’m afraid he might want to…”

“Hurt you?”

Jack nods, his lips a thin line.

“I won’t let him. And most of all, you won’t let him. Right?”

Another silent nod.

“Don’t worry about it now, our bags are packed and I found a case. I told you about the parameters I used to find a case no one else would investigate, and this one here is especially weird, but not weird enough for us to follow, and a bit boring, but not boring enough for us to NOT follow it. We’ve been to haunted houses before, right?”

“Yes, it’s mostly vengeful spirits or poltergeists, right?”

Sam nods. “Yes, exactly. Sometimes triggered by the plans of tearing the house down, the same can happen with big bodies of water, when they are threatened to be dried out, spirits of people who drowned will start going on a rampage. Haunted houses are like level 1 of every hunter. Rocksalt, shotgun, holy water, fire. Boom, ghost gone.”

Jack frowns a little. “Really, we’re going on a case that any newbie hunter could solve?”

Sam chuckles.

“Yep.”

It’s absolutely a thinly veiled reason to go on a hunt, but it’s the same that Dean and Cas did weeks ago when Jack sneaked out. In the end they also ‘just’ took on a vampire nest with five vamps and their Creator and the rest of the time they had a blast in Vegas, why should Sam not do the same? He wants to be alone with Jack, because Dean definitely ruined the pleasant experience of the tantra massage. Sam had been so happy back then and oh, crap, he was close to do more to Jack than just the massage. He wouldn’t have slept with him on this massage table, that was utterly uncomfortable, but he had been turned on so bad, that didn’t happen very often.

Sam really falls for Jack deeply and seriously. It’s a wonderful and frightening feeling at the same time.

Jack slides on Sam’s lap and straddles him, arms tight around his neck. Jack squints a little when he’s so close, his big blue eyes will never cease to amaze Sam.

“How can you not be Castiel’s son?”, Sam blurts, his hands cupping the naphil’s face and brushing away some strands of hair.

Jack’s mouth opens slightly, his tongue sneaks out to lick his upper lip.

“I am Castiel’s son.”

“I know, I just mean, genetically. You have his eyes. Does that sound stupid, baby?”

Jack shakes his head with a grin, his neck and face turn tenderly pink.

How did the biggest monster of all create this perfect boy?

“No, not stupid. I like the way you look at me”, Jack silently admits and the blush turns berry red.

“How do I look at you?”

Sam kisses Jack’s parted lips, feels the hitched breath and how Jack tightens up his back.

“First you looked at me with fear, when I was born. Then you looked at me in sympathy, in worry… Then gentle, loving. Just now, longing… You see a man, not a child, right? That’s the look in your face how you look at someone beautiful you want to be with…?”

Sam’s big hands creep under Jack’s pullover and Jack sighs, a light shudder down his spine and this tiny, quiet noise of content.

“You are beautiful, and yes, I want to be with you. All the time”, Sam whispers, he sounds rough, feels like he needs to clear his throat.

Jack lays his hands on Sam’s and guides him down his sweatpants. Sam squeezes. A slight gasp.

“We will have a lot of time for fun stuff once we’re out of here.”

That makes Jack jerk up, jump and drag Sam on his feet.

“Come, Sam! I can’t wait to be out of here.”

[beeblackburn]

The First Law for the fandom ask! 😁

The first character I ever fell in love with: In hindsight, Logen Ninefingers, given how much he eviscerates his character trope so completely even then, but in the immediate, at the time, sense? The moment Sand dan Glokta first complained about the steps, my heart was gripped and it took awhile.

A character that I used to love/like, but now do not: On a personal level, too many to count, everyone’s either such a piece of shit or were written sympathetically enough before Abercrombie knocked the pedestal off them in this series. That being said, Sand dan Glokta. I still really like him, partly thanks to The Trouble with Peace and one hell of a choice scene, but after what he did near the end of Last Argument of Kings, and revising the series, I can’t help, but realize what I liked about him was the potential that he’d grow a heart and stop doing awful things, and him doubling down at the end was disappointing, if not surprising.

A ship that I used to love/like, but now do not: Jezal/Ardee. It was cute when I first read it, and I generally think Jezal had enough strength of character to try to do right by her, if the kingmaking business hadn’t been a thing, but I think it’s super telling that, upon being king, he thought about making her his mistress instead of realizing that wouldn’t have placated Ardee and she’d be bitter about the broken promise. In the end, they never fully knew each other, Jezal never knew the full extent of Ardee’s past, and what attracted them to each other was the dream of something better rather than anything substantial. I pity them, but they absolutely wouldn’t have worked out like Glokta/Ardee ended up doing.

My ultimate favorite character™: Logen “The Bloody-Nine” Ninefingers. But Black Calder and Crown Prince Orso are really close behind and they could easily climb overhead Logen with The Wisdom of Crowds. I’m expecting it with Crown Prince Orso, depending on how his character goes.

Prettiest character: Probably Crown Prince Orso? I know Leo dan Brock, Jappo mon Rogont Murcatto, and Stour Nightfall (though Jappo and Stour’s more my type) are objectively more handsome, but I like a little pudge in my handsome boys and Orso’s got that while having a prettier personality.

My most hated character: Collem West, easily, but I think Malacus Quai could've been better, character-wise.

My OTP: Everyone/Therapy. Seriously, Shy/Temple. Abercrombie can write some really sweet couples for such a self-professed cynic, given Calder/Seff, Bethod/Ursi, and Shenkt/Vitari.

My NOTP: Bayaz/Power. Seriously, Shev/Carcolf. Shev, please stop going after someone you know is toxic. Walk away and close that door forever. You deserve so much better, you gay babe.

Favorite episode: Red Country or The Heroes. 

Red Country has such a somber tone of bittersweet past and longing for redemption that I just ate up and broke my heart against. Lamb, Temple, Cosca, Shivers, Shy and the Felllowship, so many people want to do better from their pasts like in his past books but this time, maybe, just maybe, Abercrombie lets some of them win against their inner demons. It’s such a haunting book, men with the ghosts of their pasts hanging around them and the inevitability of changing times creeping onto them as they trek the Near and Far Country.

The Heroes is basically a typical cookie-cutter war story except it’s Abercrombie writing it. The entire Northern subplot of The First Law distilled into a narratively and thematically tight book, with some tremendously strong supporting characters, some of my favorite POVs (PRINCE CALDER! FINREE DAN BROCK! BREMER DAN GORST!) and carrying some of my favorite scenes of the entire series! It’s such a treat and I’ve loved each and all of my five rereads. This book puts all other war stories to shame for not even coming close.

Saddest death: Count Foscar (Monza relating him to the boy Benna was, laughing in the wheat, breaks me every time). Antaup (how dare you take a chapter to establish how heartbreaking a cock-blocker’s death would be, Abercrombie!), Tul Duru Thunderhead and Scale Ironhand. Oh, those hurt. Those hurt so much. And, despite how much of a shithead he was, Nicomo Cosca’s death hit me surprisingly hard. Sad and pathetic and broken.

Favorite season: Tricky. Because The Great Leveller and The Age of Madness have my favorite books in the entire series and the former’s got The Heroes and Red Country... but it’s also got Best Served Cold, which was I admittedly colder (heh) on. I’ll take the bullet that it’s a me problem and it’s still a fundamentally well-written book. The latter’s got A Little Hatred, which was a far better The Blade Itself in some ways, and, especially The Trouble with Peace, which was a roller-goddamn-coaster of a book with absolutely some of my favorite material by far. I’d say The Great Leveller for now, but I’m holding my breath on The Age of Madness usurping The Great Leveller in the end, given The Wisdom of Crowds sounds like it’s getting into all the revolutionary and freaky stuff I love about the trilogy, a relentless inferno for society and the soul.

Least favorite season: Look, I love every book in the Circle of the World, but The First Law was the result of Abercrombie stretching his legs for the first time, writing-wise, and it shows. Logen’s wife and children never fully breathe as a necessary part of him and his early magic shows growing pains in Abercrombie’s writing, West’s material isn’t as incisive a character deconstruction as it could’ve been (dude should’ve been more insidiously a piece of shit in his mind to subvert his “good commoner” trope), Dogman’s only gets by himself particularly interesting at the leg end of Last Argument of Kings, and Craw does his character better I’d say, Cathil and Ferro were underwritten (though I think Ferro’s got interesting stuff in her POV), and everything to do with Terez. Just. That. Ugh. The writing bones are solid and the main trio, Logen, Glokta, and Jezal, are all wonderful POVs, but I think it’s safe to say The First Law is Abercrombie’s freshmen writing, compared to his more affecting material in The Great Leveller and The Age of Madness.

Character that everyone else in the fandom loves, but i hate: ... Shivers? I do love him in The Heroes, Red Country, and The Age of Madness, but it always drives me a little crazy how much Shivers’ worsening moral decline is linked to Monza fucking Rogont and not him instead, making him out to be an entitled hyper-jealous asshole, and I ended up being disgusted by him. Add in the fact that he knew what he was getting into when he took a violent job and kept going, despite at least two targets, and kept caving into Monza’s higher payments, Shivers was always a piece of shit in his own right. He fell, he wasn’t pushed by Monza. I like enough of Shivers’ Best Served Cold material, but I just like his later material far more, even if I respect his earlier journey.

That being said, if he sacrifices himself for Rikke’s life in The Wisdom of Crowds, I’m going to rescind all this, because that’s the sort of perfect grace note to the anti-Logen and paaaaaaaaaaaaain. So let’s just go with Threetrees because, by god, he’s a relative snooze compared to the other “straight edges” of the series.

My ‘you’re piece of trash, but you’re still a fave’ fave: This could define almost anyone in this series, frankly. I guess Logen or Gorst? I really love their material, but they both definitely belong in a landfill.

My ‘beautiful cinnamon roll who deserves better than this’ fave: Can it be anyone but Crown Prince Orso? Dude’s the only one in this world who thinks “there’s a moral question” to rulership aloud to another and isn’t homophobic, racist, or sexist (looking at you, Leo). Even Calder’s got murdering Forley and Reachey in his dark deeds and Temple’s spent years helping Cosca, which... shudders.

My ‘this ship is wrong, nasty, and makes me want to cleanse my soul, but i still love it’ ship: Monza/Shivers. It’s got some good material and I really hope they can make peace in The Wisdom of Crowds, but also *waves hands* everything else about them, honestly. God, they really did both suck to each other.

Also, Leo/Stour. It’s so wrong, yet so right. I don’t even know if it’d be hate-fucking if they got together at this point, but these two morrions deserve each other.

My ‘they’re kind of cute, and i lowkey ship them, but i’m not too invested’ ship: Jurand/Glaward, Rikke/Orso, and Cas/Vick? They’re pretty cute and could easily give each other some happiness, I feel.

[anika-ann]

Errare Humanum Est - Pt.3

What’s in a Name?

Type: series, soulmate AU series  (part 1, part 2)   x Supernatural

Pairing: Steve Rogers x reader (past?)    Word count: 1850

Summary: When angel grace fails to deal with an amnesiac, the human ways will have to do. Too bad they are rather slow.

Warnings: swearing, amnesia, Team Free Will being themselves, alcohol

The briefest guide to SPN characters of Team Free Will (at the end of the post)

Story masterlist

༻༺༻༺༻ღ༺༻༺༻༺

An ominous silence fell on the room, until an annoyed voice cut the air.

“Awesome. Is it like… a black nothing? White nothing? Or…?”

Castiel grimaced at Dean’s wry questions.

“It’s… it’s like a really tight knot, to be honest. The memories, I can feel them there, but… there’s nothing I can do about it. I’m sorry. I couldn’t even get a glimpse. I’m sorry, Natasha. I wish I could be more help.”

Tears gathered in Natasha’s eyes, but she cautiously rose to her feet as if she didn’t trust her strength and took Castiel’s hands in hers.

“It’s alright, Castiel. Thank you for trying,” she whispered weakly, her smile forced. She turned to the brothers then, tugging at the shirt she was wearing. “I… can I keep those, please?”

“Yeaaah?” Sam answered unsurely, not following where she was going with that. “Why would you ask that?”

“I… I think I should go. Thank you-“

That had them all lunging forward, Sam speaking up first.

“Whoa! We’ve been over this. You… we can’t exactly keep you here by force, but you have nowhere to go. No money to live on. Your memory… is not okay. Castiel couldn’t find anything at the moment, but we’ll figure out a way to help you.”

“I don’t want to-to impose. I’ve- I have already-“ she stuttered, but was interrupted by Dean’s sigh.

“Look. I’m not gonna lie, I ain’t happy about babysitting you,” he announced honestly, rising from his seat, gesturing towards her with his beer as he spoke. Sam really hoped he was going somewhere with that talk, because so far, it sounded like he wanted to support Natasha’s decision to leave. “But we had much bigger problems at our hands and much more annoying too. Helping people is kinda what we do. It’s in the family.”

Her eyes were wide as she was watching the hunters and their angel, attentive and observant. She was clearly considering her options, wondering if Dean was being honest. Sam was pleasantly surprised by Dean’s speech to say at least.

She gulped before speaking up, her gaze falling on the floor. “…okay. Thank you. I’ll… I promise to repay you when I can.”

“I’m sure you will,” Sam hurried before Dean could tell something that would creep her out – like ‘having a few ideas about that’. Though Sam was most impressed by Dean’s earlier words.

“Can I just ask you something, Dean?” she quirked up then, the corners of her lips inconspicuously rising.

“Yeah?”

“…do angels count as your family?”

“You-“ the older brother started, only to shut up and realize he didn’t know how to finish. So he only pointed a finger at her in pretended warning.

Sam snorted a laugh. “I think we’ll get along just fine.”

“If you must know, for us, family don’t end with blood,” Dean finally managed to reply and Sam couldn’t help but smile sadly at the memory of Bobby, a man who was an uncle to them, if not a father too. “It’s about the family you choose.”

An honest smile lighted up Natasha’s face, her eyes soft. “That’s nice…. So, where do we start?”

“Well, I should go,” Castiel announced swiftly, casting a glance at Dean, ever dutiful to the righteous man. “I’ll… see if I can find anything on the subject of soulmates I don’t already know.”

“Okay. See ya, Cas.”

“Bye,” Sam hummed absently, his mind already racing, wondering about their next steps.

With a sound of a flutter of wings, the angel was gone. Natasha stared blankly where he had been standing just a second ago.

“…oh,” she huffed, clearly caught off guard. “I didn’t see that coming. I didn’t even say goodbye.”

Sam only laughed at that – she seemed confused, sure, taken aback, definitely, but she was processing everything remarkably well considering what a mess she had woken up into.

“You’ll get used to it. We’re really tired, so we would catch few hours. I was thinking I could lend you my tablet?” the younger hunter offered, pulling it out of his bag and holding it out to her. She eyed it curiously and Sam realized where the problem might be. “I’ll show you how to operate it-“

“I… think I might know, actually,” Natasha admitted sheepishly, biting her lip as if ashamed. Sam couldn’t help the rise of his eyebrows.

“That you remember? You don’t know your name, but you know how to work with this thing?” Dean questioned, his eyebrows high as well. She only shrugged helplessly. Dean spun to Sam then, his face saying just how done he was with this situation. “Brains are weird, man.”

“More so when angels and resurrections are involved,” Sam added, grimacing wryly. Oh, he would know, wouldn’t he? They all would.

“Not wrong there.”

Sam turned his attention back to the woman then, seeing she already turned it on, the screen lit up. Huh. Okay then.

“I just thought you might wanna… look up things. Anything that comes to your mind.”

“Like unhuman things?” she asked half-bitter, half-curious.

“Oh, you don’t wanna look for those. You might find Twilight and Teen Wolf and stuff like that. Not to be trusted.”

Natasha tilted her head to side, not understanding what Dean was referring to, naturally, and Sam rolled his eyes. She reminded him of Castiel for a moment and a new idea struck his mind.

“Natasha, can I take a picture? I’ll run facial recognition… just to see if anyone reported you missing, okay?”

She hesitated, shifting her weight from one foot to the other, but nodded. “…Okay. Thank you, Sam.”

Sam led her to a wall, switching on more lights for better illumination of her face. He snapped a quick photo of her face and started the trace. Dean had managed to tuck himself in already.

“That was… fast. I promise to be quiet.”

“Thanks. Goodnight, Natasha. If you’re tired, just wake up one of us and we’ll leave you a bed, okay?” Sam offered, internally cringing at the idea of trying to fit onto the tiny-ass sofa.

Natasha glanced at the piece of furniture, then back at Sam and at Dean, her eyebrow slowly rising, probably thinking the same thing.

“Sure. Goodnight, Sam. Goodnight, Dean.”

The only reply she got was Dean’s snort. She giggled and Sam rolled his eyes, laying down to his bed, finding a comfortable position – as comfortable as one could find on a motel room bed. He was out in no time.

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Trying to research resurrections would have probably been a good idea. Or ‘how to cure amnesia’ or something like that. But no. Not for you.

The very first thing you wrote down – and really, could anyone blame you since Sam had specifically told you to look up whatever came to your mind – was the word ‘soulmate’.

It led you straight to a world of wonder. There was everything; it started with a definition, mostly matching what Sam, Dean and Castiel had told you.

Then the photos of soulmarks appeared. Some were funny and specific, like ‘Excuse me, but I believe that the dog that just ate my snack was yours,’ or ‘I’m afraid I’m in the wrong class, ‘cause I sure didn’t sign up for Greek mythology’. Others were annoying and general, something between the lines of ‘Can I borrow your pen?’ or ‘Is this seat taken?’. There were few that broke your heart: ‘Please, don’t leave,’ ‘I just got you, you can’t do this to me.’

You weren’t sure in which category your words would fall into; probably very specific and weird for both the crossed ones and the plain ones.

People were looking for their soulmates too. Either via forums, attempting to guess what comeback they would throw when hearing the words on their skin; another option was a few agencies that claimed to be able to find the match; that felt a bit like cheating and you doubted it worked anyway.

What took your breath away and made your heart ache were links to counselling for those who lost their soulmate. It made your chest tight for a very obvious reason, yet so irrational. You might have lost your soulmate, but you didn’t remember it; on the other hand, your other half could be suffering indescribable pain for their loved one, the one they had been destined to spent their life with. For that only, you felt tears gather in your eyes.

Then again, you could have been wrong. As far as you were concerned, you had never had to meet in the first place, and they only had their words crossed out just like yours, left with a dull ache and strange sense of longing.

There were brighter sides to soulmates too – many and many people shared their meet-cute with their destined partner, photos radiating love and adoration, with the subtlest shade of hate in the comments from people who no doubt didn’t have a soulmate to begin with. Because apparently, that was a thing as well; not everyone was bound to have a soulmate, not in the literal sense of the word. The world was a truly strange place.

You didn’t even realize you had started to rub your collarbone, your mind escaping elsewhere. What was your soulmate like? You believed with your whole heart he was one and the same person, saying both of the lines written on you.

Was he sweet? Polite? Or a bad boy? Tall or shorter than you, scrawny or built like a mountain? What colour were his eyes, his hair? Did he have a nice smile, warm and welcoming, or was a grumpy man? An extrovert, an introvert? Was he willing to show affection publicly or was he shy and private? What did he enjoy doing?

What was he doing now? And more importantly… where was he?

You sighed, sinking deeper into the couch. You could wonder, but it would be no help. You needed to pull yourself together, look up things that might be actually useful to you as a human being with amnesia and deal with daydreaming later.

You wanted to remember. You wanted to know your soulmate, but you needed to know your own persona first.

Hell, you didn’t even know your name.

For some reason you had chosen Natasha, but the motivation behind your actions slipped through your fingers, the truth burning on your tongue, leaving a bitter aftertaste as you couldn’t grasp it.

Alright. For now, you would be Natasha. You trusted your instinct on that one, choosing the name despite feeling it wasn’t your own, but still with a purpose.

Figuring out your last name was the next logical step. You couldn’t recall it either, so you just wrote down ‘American last names’ to the browser, waiting for results to pop up. You surfed through them for a minute, your fingers freezing on one particular name.

The name struck something in you, a spark lighting up like a flare in your chest and you knew this was the one you should pick.

You had been brought back from death. And until your true self and your mind would be resurrected, a new person had to be born.

That person happened to be Natasha Rogers.

“Natasha Rogers…” you whispered, barely audible and a smile spread on your lips involuntarily. You liked the sound of that. “That will do.”

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Part 4

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Thank you for reading :-*

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[castiel-kline]

More thoughts on 15x18, because I’m really struggling with it. (I have lots of feelings, and a lot them are Not Pretty)

Let’s talk about the issue of Cas’s “true happiness.”

First of all, “true happiness” was never in the terms of the deal. The Empty never said Cas had to be truly happy, it only said he had to give himself “permission to be happy.” That ain’t the same thing. I feel like “true happiness” is an unreachable goal. It’s a light at the end of the tunnel that you can never reach because it doesn’t really exist. You can certainly find it in little moments along the way, but it’s not an epiphany. It’s a process. “Permission to be happy,” on the other hand, can be manufactured. It can be, “I feel like crap right now, I hate myself and my life is terrible, but I WILL be happy about watching this movie or hugging my friend.” Example- I did this today. I’ve been in a funk after this episode (hello, crippling attachment to fictional characters!) but I went over to a friend’s house and I met her new dog for the first time. And he jumped on me and I laughed and I thought, well- I still feel like crap. I still have a lot to process. I still have deadlines for actual life stuff looming over me and spiking my anxiety. But I will be happy now for this adorable little fluffball and my friend who I haven’t seen in months. I gave myself permission to be happy. 

And Cas in that scene didn’t look happy to me. He looked miserable. He looked like he was two seconds from shattering. We’ve seen Cas genuinely happy before- 14x08 comes to mind, when he laughed from pure joy at seeing Jack again. When he smiled at that little girl in early season 10. Hell, even season 6 Cas looked 1000 times happier when he went in to hug freshly-re-souled Sam than Cas did in *that* scene. When Cas is happy, there’s a lightness to him. It’s like some weight has been lifted. Cas in this episode wasn’t lightest when the Empty took him, but when he was talking to Jack. And that’s saying something because that was a fucking depressing conversation. 

And the lines everyone is talking about- “What I want is something I know I can’t have.” and “Happiness isn’t in the having. It’s in just being. It’s in just saying it.” 

Oh boy. I saw a post today calling that toxic positivity, and it’s right. Cas basically said I Will Speak the Happiness into Existence Whether I Feel it or Not. 

He also said “I wondered what my true happiness could even look like, and I never found an answer.”

First off, honey, true happiness wasn’t part of the deal. But he did say he never found an answer. Which means, presumably, that whatever was going on in this scene wasn’t true happiness. He just dropped the pretense of it, and gave himself permission to be happy at a very strategic time in order to take out Billie and stop her from killing more people. Dean, yes, but Sam and Jack as well. If there was a chance they were still alive, you can damn well bet that Cas was gonna take it. Because he’s a strategist. He was a soldier for millions of years and he commanded Heavenly armies. I feel like that’s not a job Michael or Raphael or whoever else would give to just anybody. 

So what if what Cas wanted but could never have was happiness? And he forced himself to feel some so the Empty would come, and that’s why he was so “oh wow I love my friend.” And I’m not disputing that there’s love there. I don’t vibe with Destiel and I think something has got to be reciprocated before it can be canon, but whether it was platonic or romantic or something in between or something different altogether those two definitely had something going on. That is in no way an excuse for Dean treating him like crap for years, but we’ve all looked for the best in people, in things, even if they hurt us or disappointed us or really fucking pissed us off. Kinda like what I’m doing right now LMAO

And if you watch closely, Cas takes a fucking minute after he mentions Jack. He looked like he was in so much pain. His voice cracked when he mentioned Sam. In making the choice to sacrifice himself he was condemning himself to never seeing Sam again. Never seeing Jack again. And Sam and Cas love each other so damn much, and Cas loves Jack more than anything else. That was bound to be hard. Probably one of the hardest things he’d ever had to do. 

So of course he focused on Dean. Because he loves him too, even though he probably shouldn’t sometimes, and he mustered up enough happiness for the Empty to come, and found some pride in himself and how he’s grown. I do believe he sort of accepted himself, and let go of some of his self-loathing at the last second. He cobbled together some last-minute peace. I’m proud of him for that. 

But I think I hate it, in all honestly. I DESPISE it as an ending for Castiel. It doesn’t do him justice in the slightest. It doesn’t begin to be in that realm. It was a mess, it was poorly written, he felt out of character (the fucking disconnect from Cas in his scenes with Jack this ep vs. this monstrosity... whoa nelly. I have whiplash). But I have to believe that there’s something like this in there, or I will go insane. I’m far too attached to Cas to just let this go without settling on an interpretation that isn’t “gay angel goes to superhell.” Totally valid to cope with 2012 tumblr humor, but dear god am I really struggling with this. It was bad, but I need to take it somewhat seriously for my own sanity.

And he’s dead. He’s gone, probably permanently. And the knowledge of that alone is enough to make me cry (listen... Castiel has gotten me through some crap in my life. I MISS him) and I will forever be angry that his ending wasn’t even about him. So hopefully my analysis helped you a little bit, if you’re in a Cas-loving pit and clawing your way out like me. 

I just think the timing of it was too perfect for Cas not to have been aware of what he was doing. It was too deliberate. And though I am all for Cas getting some kind of canonical queerness (even though all the SPN angels are technically canonically genderfluid/nonbinary/non-conforming, somewhere in that broad spectrum), I still think what he wanted but could never have was much more to do with himself rather than Dean. He really didn’t have to die, though, certainly not so terribly. I think I actually preferred his death in All Along the Watchtower. I wouldn’t trade late seasons Cas for anything, though, because (excepting this) he was rad. Killing the game. Dadstiel, Sam and Cas’s friendship- I loved watching those flourish in the late seasons. And everything I loved most about it was done so dirty. I’m just so tired. I wish I could mourn him without being angry and bitter at the writers. 

[hencethebravery]

>> 01.13.21 • Ao3 • “Me & Magdalena”

me & magdalena always leaving early and sleeping late secluded in the canyon lost within a turn of fate

“me & magdalena,” the monkees

>> The two of ‘em establish the somewhat rude habit of bailing during get-togethers without telling anyone. They stop answering their phones at any point before noon shortly after that. He’d call it a side effect of New Couple Syndrome (NCS), but it’s something they continue doing long after any reasonable person would call something “new” (and honestly, he’s not even sure you could say it was “new” when it was new, technically).

The only way he knows how to explain it is like this: Like driving through a darkened neighborhood at night and seeing light emanating from behind the curtains. The flashing of a television—an understanding that there are people in there and they are probably half-asleep on their couches. Hopefully they are not alone (and if they are, that they are not lonely). When Dean was still too small for the passenger seat of the Impala, he would stare out the window and be overcome with a fleeting sense of absolute certainty. It didn’t matter that he’d never meet them. Didn’t matter that he couldn’t knock on their doors and make sure. He just knew—especially on those dark, late night drives out of some other town—that they were safe and warm in there. The Impala was home, sure, but it wasn’t as if he had entirely forgotten what it had been like before. With the roof and the walls and the doors and the smells. That was home too.

Being with Cas is like being one of those imaginary, comfortable people tucked safe in their beds with their TVs on low. It’s like—like in the middle of a frigid, fucked-up-kinda-cold winter and you’re driving home late and you know how cold it is out there and there’s an unforgivably tender part of you that feels joy for those people who have something that you might never have. And sure, it’s bitter but it’s joyful too, and ya know, one day? That’s gonna be you.

It’s not as if he doesn’t enjoy being with everyone (’course not). Sittin’ quiet in the corner of this new bar in downtown Lebanon; with Cas perched on the arm of an oversized armchair—half-listening to whatever the fuck Claire is talking about. Doesn’t even wanna know what a “TikTok” is at this point, to be quite fucking frank about it. 

It’s just that it’s so much easier to be sure when it’s staring him right in the freaking face. That everyone is here and they’re fine and maybe they don’t need him? At least not right now. It’s why he can grab Cas’ hand halfway through Quiz Night and head out the back door with minimal guilt. He even stopped making eye contact with Sam beforehand (eventually).

“Everyone gets it, ya know. You don’t need like... permission.”

It’s mid-February and Dean can feel it in all of his old, multiple-times-broken bones. There isn’t much he’d change about the Impala (she’s damn near perfect as is), but as he’s gotten older he has silently wished she’d heat up just a little bit faster. Especially in the Midwest in February. Maybe he should invest in one of those long, stupid coats that look like a sleeping bag.

“That’s one of the perks of getting older,” Jody laughed into her beer, “my desire to be comfortable has come to outweigh my need to look cool.”

“Man, I’m always cool,” he mumbles, the two of them watching Claire and Alex shiver out by the fire in their denim jackets and leggings and nothing else. “I’d look cool in a freakin’ poncho.”

“Sure thing, kiddo.” 

“Shit,” he hisses, sliding behind the wheel. “Fucking freezing.”

“Mm,” Cas grunts in agreement, grasping both of Dean’s dry, cold hands between his own. "We’ll be home soon.”

“New rule,” he huffs, “when shit drops below 30, we stay in.”

“Deal.”

Cas plants a final, warm, breath-filled kiss to the top of his hands before letting him pull away to start the car, and he shivers goddamn again.

“We really should get you a scarf,” he suggests, eyeing Dean’s exposed neck.

If it was possible to pop his collar with an even greater air of defensiveness, he absolutely would have, but it’s pretty well and good stood up at this point and he knows when Cas knows that he knows. 

“Yeah, yeah.”

The heat finally starts to rattle through the vents as they drive down a darkened suburban street a few minutes before midnight. He wonders briefly whether he’s got an internal alarm clock about Midnight at this point. Clock’s about to strike. Don’t wanna be caught with your pants down. 

In the periphery of his vision he takes note of two things, one of which is not unusual but pleasant all the same. First thing being the way the shadows from the streetlights fall over Cas’ face—eerie and beautiful and familiar; the second being the glowing, almost-light of what looks to be a Christmas tree that someone’s left up way, way too long. Come on, people, it’s almost Valentine’s Day. He slows up at the four-way stop in front of the house, and it strikes him all at once. Like Midnight. The dark streets; the being too small for the passenger seat. Hell, if he lets himself he’d probably be able to smell John’s cologne or hear Sammy’s snuffling.

“Dean?” 

Cas’ voice resonates in his chest; beneath his sternum somewhere like it always does, and there’s an awareness of his hand resting on top of Dean’s achey knee. That small, tender part of him? The part that he’d tried to be rid of only to have it grow and change and become even painfully more? The part that sits in big soft armchairs and surrounds itself with the voices of people he loves? That part is is absolutely ecstatic to find that all the other warring, disparate pieces inside himself have fought an incredibly long, hard battle in order to become one of those safe, warm people he used to make-up inside his head. Figments he had envied. People who keep their TVs on too late or their Christmas trees up way, way too long. February. Jesus.

“Yeah,” he chokes, rolling slowly through the stop sign towards the highway.

“Are you alright?”

“Yeah,” he says again, lighter, “Yeah, totally. Just cold.”

“We’ll be warm soon,” Cas replies with a gentle squeeze. “I’m exhausted.”

He’s not totally sure if Cas is ignorant of whatever just happened or if he’s giving him a pass, but he’s grateful either way. Sometimes you’re just too tired to talk about the heavy stuff (and besides, there’s always coffee in the morning). He is fully aware that his extraordinary lack of being willing to share has been something of a significant problem over the years. But that’s kind of the beauty of Cas, isn’t it? The Knowing Silence that has somehow gotten even more knowing over the years. Fucking blessing and a curse.

So, yeah, he’s sure they’ll return to this moment—not a doubt in his mind. He’s sure that he’ll reveal something that Castiel has always suspected. Something that has pained him for a stupid number of years—like a splinter that you can’t find. But sometimes there’s nothin’ for it but to give it up and get into bed. Especially once the all-consuming power of Midnight has come and gone and it’s too cold to turn your key in the ignition. No, sometimes you gotta crawl into bed (with the expensive memory foam topper) and sleep until the sun comes up. Maybe even a few more hours after that.

And hopefully you’re not alone.