#mind you i didnt know who my nurse was because a different person tended to me every single time someone checked on me

[alienscumbag]

Hospitals are funny though because you could be sitting in the emergency in the most excruciating pain and half the medical staff would be very nice & understanding and the other half are trying to explode you with their mind

[starryknightace]

I had Top Surgery! (Post Op 1 1/2 Weeks pics)

[[MORE]]

Suprise! I had top surgery almost 2 weeks ago. It was a bit of a process to get to that point and i was literally counting down the hours til i went under. I kept joking to people i was most excited about my "induced 4 hour nap" more than anything. I got to my day surgery clinic early in the morning, to which i got changed into scrubs, was told to wait under a blanket to keep my body warm, and met with the nurse, anesthetist and my surgeon for pre op discussions. Then i was escorted into the operation theatre where i hopped on the table, got nice and comfy with blankets, tubes, oxygen mask annnnddd.... woke up 4 hours later forgetting i had surgery 🤣

I did this in my last surgery (which in comparission was more terrifying cause i had blood in my mouth and couldnt remember what happened to me), but i woke up and couldn't work out where i was, why i felt so dizzy and how i got clothed 🤣 i spent about 2 hours in the recovery room sat in a recliner chair dozing off, except to eat (cause i had been fasting prior) and drink. I did try to pee but couldn't which was frustrating 😅 then i was taken home, where i promptly went to sleep lol

I had my drains in for 72 hours and they were the worst part of recovery. I carried bottles in a pillow case and they had be be positioned lower than my chest at all times. Luckily i wasn't able to move much and while i was on strong pain medication i mainly slept. I had my mum stay with me for a week and i'm thankful she did cause she really saved my butt by doing everything for me (i really had to let go of my control which was weirdly hard, i just felt bad making her do things for me but she was happy to). The drains were uncomfortable and by the morning there were to be taken out i was really hurting where they were inserted. After they were taken out it was a blessing and recovery got A LOT easier. I had shallow baths every few days and my mum helped me was my hair. I had baby wipes for my armpits and chest area which again saved me from being stinky. I still mainly slept, or watched tv shows with my mum up until she left. She prepped me a LOT of meals before she left so i wouldn't have to cook.

Sleeping on my back was probably the most uncomfortable part (after the drains), because i'm a stomach sleeper. I have been managing to sleep though which has been nice (and Maple has been good, sleeping beside me all through the night!). I've been sleeping elevated to help with swelling. I actually got told off by my nurse while doing my week post op check up cause i was still doing too much. I went to Uni for a 6 hour workshop that day too and went to a costume showcase that night. Safe to safe i was exhausted the next day and didnt do much but sleep.

So i'm still quite swollen and bruised 1 1/2 weeks in, which will eventually settle down. my nipples seem to be taking well so crossing fingers the blood returns. I was worried about puckering but being able to closely examine my chest it's due to the swelling at the moment so hopefully that goes down too.

All in all i can't stop smiling at my chest - i finally feel like myself 😁

Some tips for those looking to have Top Surgery based on my experience:

MEDICINE

I have a high pain threshold - i was willing to go to uni a week post op because i could stand to - would recommend people booking off at LEAST 3 weeks prior to work/study if you can help it. I have only one class per week at the moment and its only theory so thats why i was able to travel and even then i was taken pain killers ever 4 hours.

In my mother's words "don't be a hero, if you need to take pain relief, do it". Best advice. I've weened myself off pain killers to 2 just before bed (panadine forte), or before i need to go out and do things (genral paracetamol). If you need to take more just do it - also write down when you've taken things (because its good to know how much you've had per day!) You can take iburofen and paracetamol intermittedly in 4 hour intervals (eg. Iburofen at 12pm, paracetamol at 2pm, another dose of iburofen at 4pm, etc).

You'll also be taking antibiotics - generally 3 times a day with meals. I also took probiotics 2 hours after taking my antibiotics to avoid the sideaffects of them (eg. Mouth Ulcers (which i did get dang it), thrush, etc).

I was also taking strong pain killers (for the first few days i took 2 every 4 hours then weened down to one per night). Be careful with strong pain killers - the thing doctors/people don't tend to mention is that they can be addictive/dependent drugs. Sometimes you would prefer to keep taking them and that can be an issue. I asked my surgeon at my 1 week if i could please get one more script of something a little stronger than paracetamol to take a night and it took a bit more of a discussion to get it. If you can try to get by on the paracetamol alone do so and remember you can alternate with iburofen every two hours.

WEIRD BOWELS

With all these medications you'll more than likely get constipated so adding to the list of medications i also took good ol' laxatives. The first poop after surgery was like 3 days later and it hurt 😅 the laxatives helped me after to soften my stools (cheat mode is when you're lactose intolerent and you eat a bunch of cheesecake whoops 😅). Also peeing was weird for the first week due to the anesthestics in me. It took me ages to pee, sometimes i had the feeling of needing to pee but nothing happened, and i was peeing like, every hour.

SUPPORT

Both in furniture sense and people sense.

My mum was my main support especially in the first week. She looked after me, my house and my cat. She grabbed things i couldn't access, drove me to my appointments, managed my medicine, cooked me food and generally just helped me around the place. Originally i only wanted her there for a few days but im glad she was there cause i was sore and out of it most of the time. Alongside her my two best friends were also a massive help - coming over to keep me company, drive me places, help me do my grocery shopping, tell me off for overdoing it, gave me plenty of entertainment (thanks to katie i finished wind waker!). Get yourself some support and let go of that control, you will honestly be too tired and sore to do anything anyway.

Make sure you get yourself some comfy pillows. I got myself a U shaped pillow and it has so far saved my neck so much pain. I sleep elevated which means more pillows to prop myself up. And pillows for my couch.

WASHING

So for the first 72 hours i was just a gross gremlin with dry shampoo because of the drains. My chest was covered in bandages so i couldn't wash that area anyway. After the drains were removed i was told i could have showers, but i opted for shallow bathes anyway. I was able to wash myself fine (just go slow), then i would put pants on and get my mum to help wash my hair. After my 1 week check up i started having showers, but stood out of the stream. I only have tape to cover my stitches now (i took them off for the photo) so am able to carefully wash parts of my chest and back i couldnt get to before. I can now wash my hair (slowly). Raising my arms is still not easily fesable but i can lift them to a certain point.

EMOTIONAL

Now, i wasn't as emotional as i thought i was going to be but i do know other trans guys who said they went through bouts of depression after their surgery. Its something to look out for. For me, it was emotionally draining to talk to people about it constantly. I didn't mind though and it was nice people checked up on me but it did wear me out. Its always good though to check in with your emotional state throughout to see how youre feeling. It's not an inmediate grattification, the swelling and bruising is a lot and it won't look right for a while. Also leading up to surgery people can feel fearful and doubtful, always chat to a loved one about your feelings! Personally i had no nerves leading up to surgery but afterwards i was constantly worried that i wasn't healing right. Talking to your surgeon will HELP trust me!

SCARRING

Ok this was a big shock to me so i hope this helps other people but scar medication/ointments don't actually work. I asked my surgeon about it and as a skin professional who has been studying the effects of scarring for over 40 years - this is a beauty scam you don't need to bite into.

"Time and your genetic biology are the only ways that help your scars heal, sorry to burst your bubble but save your money on that placebo".

Looking after yourself the first few months post op will help you get good results later.

Of course i understand if people will still want to buy scarring products but thought i would post the words of a professional too 😅 don't shoot the messenger on this one. And if you do decide to use the stuff then wait 6 months before doing so.

I think that's all i can think of at the moment. There's a really good private facebook group for top surgery and i got a lot of my info from there. If people are curious feel free to DM me, send me an inbox and i'd be happy to chat as best i can! My experience is based in Australia so people might have different expectations/experiences in different countries!

🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈💛💛💛🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈

[rosykims]

5 + 10 for emeraude, 14 + 18 for effie, 19 + 24 for arylene and 30 through 45 for imogen bc i love her so much ? 😏😏😏

fdjkfjkfdk thank u SO much maia i absolutely Treasure You !

EMERAUDE HAWKE - DA2

What does your OC normally wear? What would your OC wear on a special night?

emeraudes fashion sense is probably my favourite out of all my ocs, so uh if u havent looked at her pinterest board yet u should do that bc its Very cute hehehe

anyway for the most part she sticks to dark, practical clothing whenever she's out and about in kirkwall or doing merc work, etc. she picks clothes that convey strength and power, but she likes having a little bit of colour somewhere on the piece, just to keep things interesting. she's not much of an embroider, but was a good way to keep herself distracted during hard times, so she tends to add little patterns here and there whenever she gets the chance!

as for special occasions, for her this would actually just be. a quiet night at home or a relaxed gathering with her friends. bc its so rare for her to have that lmao. anyway for events like that she usually wears light colours and soft fabrics, simple but always decorated with flowers or colourful patterns.

What does your OC keep in a special drawer?

she has a collection of gifts ! that kids from lowtown would give her over the years she spent in kirkwall. she's a very community based person and wants to do right for her city, and shes very nurturing (in an ironical, Cool Big Sister way) so she likes making sure all the kids are safe and being looked after. she gets a lot of trinkets and strange gifts from some of the kids as a result, but she does treasure them (even if she laughs about it with her friends) and keeps them all !

EFFIE RYDER - MEA

Who is the mother and/or father figure in your OC’s life?

effie's maternal rolemodel has always been her late mother, ellen. nobody could really fill that role in her eyes, since they had such a close, positive relationship before she passed. her relationship with her dad was a lot more strained and it really impacted a lot of her relationships later on in life too ! she tends to.... see an older man who is Vaguely Nice to her, and then think “ oh, youre my dad now?” which isnt fair to anybody obviously but yeah she,,,, has a lot of unresolved issues regarding alec and tends to unintentionally project so. We stan !

How many times did your OC move as a child? Which area was his/her favorite?

oh constantly lol. With her dad being an n7 and her mother working so hard on her research, they tended to move around wherever her parents work required. she actually enjoyed it this way. she was never good at making long term friends, but she lived meeting new people, and obviously with the move she got to experience a lot of different cultures which really put the idea of adventuring and travelling in her head at a young age.

ARYLENE TORR - TES IV

What does your OC think of children- either in general or about having them?

she likes them ! she tends to keep her distance with most communities and groups of people in particular, but she does like enjoys having the odd conversation with the odd street urchin here and there, either sharing with them some strange, ridiculous life advice or – if shes feeling particularly chaotic – telling them the scariest stories she can think of. as for having them, arylene isnt AGAINST the idea, but she has far too much for the foreseeable future for that to ever be a good idea

Who are the people your OC dislikes/hates?

outwardly, arylene is an almost unbearably easy going person, so you would assume she doesnt hate anyone lol. but she does DEEEPLY dislike cults and groups of ignorant people who are arrogant enough to start messing with the balance of life, or making deals with gods, etc. she believes that people like that can do an unbelievable amount of damage, so she invests a lot of time and effort it sabotaging any group or plot she happens to find !

 IMOGEN FOSTER - RDR2

Did your OC participate in extracurricular activities, and if so, what were they?

hmm idk if this even EXISTED in 19th century london lol, but she would have done some very tame version of girl scouts as a child! She barely remembers any of it, but she liked the classes on what plants did what, which were safe to eat, and the likes. its something that helps her a lot when on the run with the gang, and something shes always had a personal interest in, as a nurse !

other than that, she’s done a lot of independent study on history, classical literature, and she speaks fluent italian we stan !

What is your OC’s opinion of school? What kind of student was s/he?

imogen comes from a very wealthy aristocratic family, so she was very fortunate that her privilege afforded her the education she got at the time. she is VERY grateful to have attended the schools she did, and she made sure to make the most of it, paying attention in class and studying harder than most of her classmates. she's a smart girl with a very active mind, so knowledge is something she can't get enough of. she was actually petitioning the board of education to allow her to attend university before she left for america – already their had been women accepted into universities at that time, but obviously it was still a very scandalous thing lol, especially since imogen wanted to study medicine.

What subjects did your OC excel at?

imogen is a HUGE overachiever and did pretty well at basically everything from science, mathematics, language studies and later on, in her studies as a nurse. i can tell you what shes bad at though lmao

anything physical really dkdkdks she is TERRIBLE at horse-riding since she usually just went by carriage everywhere in the city. art and poetry and writing in general she was never great at, because she's a pretty logical person and was told she never put enough emotion in her work lol !!! sports...obviously was very limited anyway as growing up in like? the early 1870s lol. and as for the traditionally feminine lessons in like ?? sewing and cooking and stuff well ! she was very average at them which made her  feel worse than if she was actually bad bc she's so used to excelling and making a name for herself oof

What subjects interested your OC?

Imogen loves greek literature and mythology !! the iliad is her favourite book and she keeps her heavily annotated, dog eared copy – a gift from her late father – on her person almost constantly. needless to say its why dutch admires her as much as he does lol.

obviously, as a nurse-trying-to-be-a-doctor, she has a great love for medicine in all its forms. she's always been fascinated in natural remedies, and even moreso when she's running with the van der linde gang and is really relying on the land to survive.

What is your OC’s dream job and/or current profession?

hmm okay so. Technically she's a nurse – she worked in her father's hospital for almost 10 years prior to his death, and she was sort of his unofficial understudy, as in she knows a LOT more than her job description requires lol. but after her father past away, another, less progressive man took his place as chief of surgery and made a lot of changes to the way the hospital operated, and imogen was let go. she and her mother were fighting against it, however, under the ground of unfair dismissal, but obviously given the time period it didnt get them very far. so ! i mean technically she's unemployed rn. but she still has dreams of being a doctor, or at least continuing her career in medicine.

How is your OC working towards their dream job and/or achieved their current profession?

Oh VERY direct action up until she got disheartened and chose to take her sabbatical. she had been working in her role for nearly a decade, and was very obviously one of the most experienced nurses there. even younger doctors would sometimes ask her for her medical opinion dksksks anyway what i am saying is Brain Very Good. she had been fighting to gain admission into a university – any, she wasnt picky – to study medicine officially, but it didnt get very far and she put it on hold after her father got sick. after he died and she was laid off, she fought even harder against the city to reinstate her title, and continues to fight after she returns from america a year or so later.

What are your OC’s thoughts/opinions of his/her current profession?

helping people is her entire life, and she wouldn't know what to do without it. she loves being a nurse enough to fight to be a doctor, but also in BEING a nurse, she is hyperaware of all the things current medical standards seem to get wrong, and she has a lot of ideas about how else to go about things. her father, a shockingly progressive and worldly man for the time period, shared her sentiment, but he wasn't able to make the changes he wanted to before he passed, so imogen hopes she can be the change herself, and make her father proud

What is your OC’s biggest dream?

being a licenced doctor, babey ! preferably at her father's hospital, but at the point she will take what she can get.

How does your OC react to and handle stress?

imogen  handles stress very well , which is partially why she makes such a good medic, and also how she managed to survive the first week of being with the van der linde gang lmao. she is very good at shutting out EVERY distraction when things get dicey, and her brain tends to move at a million miles an hour. all traces of english etiquette and politeness go out the window, though, so you'll usually catch her barking orders at people, and yelling at anyone who prevents her from doing the work she needs to do. it.....is a big wake up call for people like dutch and micah, and gets her into a LOT of trouble on multiple occasions.

How does your OC handle anger?

ooo......not great. she’s grown up with parents who maybe encouraged her to speak her mind a bit....TOO much given the historical circumstances lol. she really doesn’t stand for ignorance or prejudices in any capacity, and if she has a problem with someone and it gets in the way of her trying to do her work or help others - she will ABSOLUTELY be having words. she also overestimates her own strength quite a lot. she’s tried to throw hands with micah MANY times, often forgetting she’s this tiny 70kg englishwoman and he’s .... Him sdjkdcjkf. she has a big mouth too so she often says snide remarks without even meaning too, which tends to get her in trouble as well. on the bright side, it also helps her fit in with the gang quite well, because for the most part they all appreciate how wild she is lmao

How does your OC handle grief?

hmm i guess it depends on what you would class as “well”? she doesnt cry very often - being stoic and handling your emotions is important when your a nurse - but she does tend to shove her feelings down far longer than she should, and tries to pretend they don’t exist by simply focusing on other things. she also blames herself when a lot of things go wrong, because she’s a perfectionist and wants to FIX everything, so when she finds something - or someone - she can’t save, it feels like a personal failure. like she let them down :(

What is your OC’s greatest fear?

probably being trapped in an unhappy, unfulfilling marriage with someone who undervalues her. she’s not much of a homebody and doesn’t have too much of an interest in being married, but the idea of feeling FORCED to marry someone in order to have a decent quality of life makes her blood run cold oof

What makes your OC happy?

helping people ! meeting new folks ! learning about other cultures and ways of life! learning about NEW THINGS in general ! proving people wrong ! insulting micah !

as tough and high-and-mighty as she sometimes seems, she’s a pretty easy person to please, honestly. treat her with respect, give her space to do the things she wants to do, and don’t get in the way of her opportunities to learn new things, and she’s mostly very happy !

What kind of sense of humor does your OC have?

she has a fairly macabre and sardonic sense of humour, something she picked up from her mother. she says a lot of Shocking things for the time period, and she’s not shy of dirty jokes either. the first time sean heard her, a soft, well spoken english Lady, make some filthy, crude joke, he nearly had a stroke right there on the spot kjkjkfdjkf

What are some things that greatly upset your OC?

senseless violence, suffering or cruelty. she really hated the gang at first and hoped to escape the first chance she got, because all she could see was the crime and disregard for human life she assumed they all held. fortunately, as she got to know them, she realized this wasn’t exactly the case, but she still has a lot of anger in her heart for a few key members of the gang who seem to enjoy bloodshed more than anything. she also hates any form of social prejudice, and people who gatekeep knowledge and opportunities from others.

What are some things that annoy your OC?

i guess all of the above, but she also dislikes misplaced arrogance, and people who talk down to others. she tolerates dutch, but often gets frustrated with the way he speaks, using as many big words as he can to manipulate and confuse others. she believes that really intelligence doesn’t require obscure jargon and big, fancy words - she likes keeping things simple, so everybody can follow along.

[ocegion]

Siddiq for the character thing!

(exclusively TV Siddiq because he’s too different from comic Siddiq to be considered remotely the same character)

-Favorite thing about him

He’s cute and soft af I love that, even if he’s obviously adapted enough to be able to survive, even being on his own for a long period of time, that hasn’t made him roughened and/or a bitter asshole in any degree the way the apocalypse has done with pretty much every character. He’s resourceful and smart and capable, but at no point he’s anything other than kind, caring and considerate. Maybe he had his own more turbulent times before he was introduced, but by the time we see him, he’s easily one of the best, most approachable characters in TWD.

-Least favorite thing about him

Look, I can deal with him being straight. I was never under any delusions AMC was gonna indulge in my homo!Siddiq fantasy. But god did it have to be that godawful love triangle trope. Did it. If you’re gonna be pairing up Rosita in nonsensical ways, at least make her be with Siddiq from the beginning instead of this cheating bullshit. From an in-character view rather than writing, it’s quite assholeish of him to pursue someone who isn’t single.

Also, I bitterly lament the fact that he’s one of my faves but he entered the show at a point in which it was already going downhill at an alarming speed. Basically he’s amazin’ and lovely but he’s stuck in a shit show.

-Favorite line

As I said with the Michonne one, I don’t pay much attention to individual lines, but I think I remember ‘He died honoring a woman he hadn’t even met’. More or less. I just really appreciated that whole scene, for Rick’s sake but also because Siddiq showed to genuinely, deeply respect Carl. Touched my dead heart.

-brOTP

Jadis, due to my headcanon in which they bonded over being the newcomers to Alexandria who didn’t quite fit in yet. I was really hoping they’d be friends in S9. I also think it’s very neat that he’s close to Michonne now, like siblings according to Avi. Wish that had come by before.

-OTP

You know this, but Rick, again because of my headcanons. HE HAD A CRUSH ON FUZZY DADDY RICK AND I’LL TAKE THAT HEADCANON TO MY GRAVE. I bet Rick was real fond of him too, once he got better from his mourning. You also know that I like to think about Siddiq tending to Negan immediately after the war and Negan developing a lowkey crush on his cute nurse who’s the only person who doesn’t personally hate the very thought of him because he arrived during the war and not before it.

-NOTP

Rosita. FUCKIN LOVE TRIANGLES FUCK YOU AMC

-Random headcanon

to be fucking honest, a very big deal of the Siddiq in my mind is built upon headcanons as much as canon Siddiq. I’m ignoring AMC completely at this point so I’ll stick with homosexual Siddiq. I also like thinking that since he was alone for a long time before joining Alexandria, his social skills are quite rusty and he comes across as kinda weird for a while before he gets used to human interaction again.

(also, he’s a BOTTOM. Like, he can top but he’s 80% bottom. He’s more flexible in power dynamics tho, so you might find dom!bottom!Siddiq every now and then ;) )

-Unpopular opinion

I’m not sure if he’s been even discussed enough for any opinion about him to be unpopular tbh, but I’ll go with the fact that I’m really glad he didn’t turn out to have a crush on Michonne? That would have been even more distasteful tbh. I’m glad they have a healthy friendship.

-Song I associate him with

Again, I’m not a musically driven person, so I rarely ever associate characters with music.

-Favorite picture of him

bitch I’m gay and Avi Nash is cute af

[chelseyregann]

Mother

I don't have much of a childhood with you that i remember and what i do remember wasn't the best.

i remember being picked up from loud parties with lots of people at them and you not being around.

I remember getting chicken pox and you giving me a bath in the duplex we once lived in.

i remember sitting on the floor board of a car in the backseat because the car was so full of all your friends while my father was chasing you trying to get me back, being younger than 8 scared and not understanding all going on.

my last memory of you was when i was 8 and you came to church to spend time with me and little did i know that was the last time i was going to see you.

At that same time i was starting a new school in a new town in a new home. starting 3rd grade with the trauma of not having a mother or knowing when i would see her again. The trauma of a breaking heart shattering into pieces. 2000 was the year everything hit differently. 8 years old. no mother. being the oldest I had to help my father with my siblings, take on responsibilities.

I may not have any loving memories with you at all but i do know that the love i had for you was strong and deep and you was the only person that i wanted in my life and you was the one person i didnt have.

I carried that truma with me throughout my childhood years. I refused to let so many people close to me. 2000 being the last I saw you to 2009 being 17 almost 18.

i still remember that day I saw you at the hotel and all i could think about was it's finally my time to have a mother in my life. That this new chapter was going to be the best. little did i know i was wrong.

Moved back to iowa with you, meeting my baby sister and my other step siblings ive seen before. my step dad and thinking this will be good for me.

From garage parties with constant drinking to fighting and taking care of my baby sister learning about diabetes and how to care for a person who has it to trying to get you to spend time with me with out drinking to losing you all over again because drinking is all you could do.

Moving out and getting kicked out of school for not living with a parent to getting my high school diploma at at college and starting my nursing degree while losing my mind not having a clear conscious at all, getting into a relationship i wasnt ready for. Starting a life I wasn't ready for.

I never let myself heal from any of the trauma. I let it consume me each day and i found someone to pure it all into who eventually tore me apart to so i tend to find myself finding people who are broken and need fixing to work on them and less of me and i have wasted my whole life doing that just to avoid my pain of not having the mother i wanted and needed in my life and for what?

what it did for me was put me down a bad path. a path of people who did nothing but abuse me and use me and lie and hurt me but i am the one to blame because i let it all happen just to avoid the pain you put me through.

Don’t get me wrong I’ve met a lot of amazing people along the way to.

years down the line you tried to tear my family from me. you tried to blame me for social services taking my niece. You blamed everything on me. you used me and used me day in and day out and i let you. you only talked to me when you needed something. and then the day i finally stopped giving in and letting you when is the day you never showed.

the day that i drove around town waiting for you to show up all because you wanted to meet up with me to cash that check of yours and then what a lady hits me totals my van. hurts my child and all you can tell me was that chris took your keys you cant come and you never intended to come meet me like you asked for me to.

it was that day that i realized what i truly meant to you. nothing. your first born child. the person who made you a mother and nothing is what i mean to you.

even tho we dont talk anymore and i havent seen you in along time and while your on your meth path now and god only knows how your truly doing i do know that out of all the hell you have put me through i still love you. Ill still be there for you from afar. I'll be there for you at your deathbed and funeral. I'll be there for you if you fall sick but i will not put my life on hold once again for you.

You may have given birth to me and given the title of a mom but you have never been my mother. a stranger who brought me into this would with out showing me what love is or how to be the best person that i could be but you have taught me that i am who i am today for lots of reasons and some of them include the way you was with me.

your a women who has gone through whatever life put your through to be able to continue down a path where you never got to know 3 of your children and never will because they choose not to care who you are for leaving them. a life where you will always be the person you are until you accept all your flaws and mistakes and try to make amends with them.

I need to move on from this trauma that i have been holding onto since 2000.. I need closure and peace from the past and move onto the future.

I forgive you melissa jo helfler for all that you have done. I forgive all that you may do. You are such a beautiful soul and person if you let yourself be. I pray to our lord that you find your forgiveness and can be redeemed for all gone wrong and find your own peace in life.

i will always love you and i will always be your daughter, even if you don't see nor want me as your own. Know that i will be there from afar and love you as you gave me life, a life that i am now learning to live without heartache.

[sissy-richie]

I've got to say it's nice to finaly be back at work again after my vacation time, I got to say it never feels like it's ever long enough.

  I've really come to love my job as head nurse on the north wing, since they've moved me to the night shift it came with more responsibilities as well as better pay.  The paediatrics floor is a high paced usaly, but night shift is definitely less active than the day shift.

  Since this covid virus, things have really changed as how the procedures are run at the hospital, and how the procedures have become a lot stricter on the pediatric floor with patient care.

  I have to pay extra attention that I'm doing my best to protecting my family and friends, and not exposing them to any harm.

  I am not as concerned any more about Betty having to help with the care of Chloe, the two of them have become a lot closer lately.

  It seams as soon as Betty comes home from work the first thing she does is to check on Chloe.

  At least I am still able to take Chloe to her doctor's appointments, and it is fun the time I have with Chloe, being able to take her window shopping with me after her appointments.

  It seams Chloe has started to become a lot more at ease with being out in public now. Compared  to before.

  It is still a challenge getting Chloe to use her wheelchair, but Chloe is getting alot better about using her wheelchair.

  I believe with taking Chloe places she has developed a lot of trust in me, that I won't let anything happen to her.

  We've been seeing and getting all sorts of ideas for Chloe's nursery as well as the rest of house. Instead of just shrugging and mumbling she's starting to giggle and babble on with me about my ideas.

  Before Chloe seamed to be so secretive about herself, now its like she doesn't care.

  I'll have to be very careful in what is said aloud, because people can be so hurtful with how they can perceive things.

  Chloe has been teaching me to use her embroidery designer suite software for her embroidery machine.

  Chloe has a really nice sewing room with four different machines. With what she has Chloe doesn't have many limitations with what a person can make.

  It was really hard at first but now I've been having fun making different embroidery designs.

  We've made several cute appliques for Chloe's clothes, as well as I've monogramed several of her tops.

  I just made Chloe a pink lace canopy for her crib that I am putting little butterfly's and glow in the dark stars on.

  I should have it done by Saturday or Sunday, I hope Chloe likes it.

  Between Betty and Chloe my life is contentedly fuller, not in the bad way either, as I was expecting.

  I do have to say Chloe was a unexpected extra on us, but I have learned so much expecialy from Chloe, and now from Betty's coworker Martin and his wife Wendy.

  I have had a major misconception thinking that anyone that was living in this lifestyle was doing it for sexual pleasure not for therapeutic reasions.

  I could never live like this myself, but I have found now that some people use this as a creative way to escape from the stress in their lives.

  It has taken some time for me to except or to even to see how Chloe uses this way that she lives to help her to except the things that have happened to her.

  If this is working to help Chloe to except her injuries and how they've made her change how she has to live, then who am I to judge her, or anyone.

  Looking back at this as I've seen with Chloe, I had the pretense that this was a sick choice of lifestyle, and always questioned the importance of this.

  I will always have a deepest love for Chloe not in the way Betty and I have but more in the way of her being my friend, and sister.

  This last weekend I learned so much, and it was expecialy nice to see Chloe have so much fun, and have the interaction with someone else.

  I have no idea what happened in Wendy's life, nor am I going judge her for how she chooses to live.

  If it helps her as it seams to have helped Chloe to escape, and it isn't causing self harm or hurting anyone else then I really can't judge them.

  When Betty went back to work Martin thanked her for allowing them to come over this last weekend and mentioned that they don't get a chance to get out much.

  Well from what Betty told me they want to take the three of us out to lunch Saturday afternoon at Pizza Ranch.

  Betty told me that they are comming over earlier so Chloe and Wendy could have some fun first, and if the weather is better taking the girls up to this small lake on Sunday to let them have some fun.

 

  Apairently Wendy couldn't stop talking about her time at Chloe's house and having fun with Chloe. It still stuns me that Wendy calls Chloe her baby sister.

  After Chloe's last therapy appointment, I can see why Chloe doesn't want to see her therapist anymore.

  Chloe seams to become very upset after every appointment with her therapist.

  I thought the purpose of seeing a therapist it was their responsibility to help you to see where the complications were in your life and beside helping you to identify them, it was to help you to except then and to work through them. Not bring you in and judge you.

  It usaly takes me a little time to get Chloe to calm down, Chloe seams to be more at ease with me and expecialy when we go shopping or have lunch together, after her appointments.

  But I'm still concerned that these appointments are leaving her so upset, I'm not shure exactly how this is suppose to help her, I'm not allowed to be in their sessions, but I do have my own meetings, before and after each session with her therapist.

  Chloe's therapist has mentioned or should I say asked me if I'm becoming Chloe's mother. This made me some what mad, and I let her know in no uncertain terms that Chloe has some serious medical problems and as Chloe's sister I am doing nothing more than any responsible family member should. If it means I have to do certain things then if it helps Chloe I will do it.

  I am concerned about some of the things Chloe has done that could put her health at risk, but this therapist I am having second thoughts about.

  Some of Chloe's blood work has come back in, and Chloe isn't going to be able to continue HRT therapy any more. So to have her body and mind back in balance is out of the question for now, I guess it will be more Betty and I supporting Chloe.

  Chloe's vitamin D levals are also low so Chloe will have to take supplements.  I think her levals are low because she hasn't been going outside much, and she been staying mainly in her house, not to mention Chloe's has not been eating balanced meals like she should. This is another reason that she should be getting out more.

  Chloe has to see neurology and a couple of other specialists because her primary care physician is feeling that Chloe might be dealing with Parkinson's disease.

  That would explain her severe tremors and slurred speech as well as her forgetting directions that were given to her.

  If this is the case Chloe will need both Betty's and my support, and to have others in her life more than ever as she goes through the different stages if this is what's she has.

  The suspicion of Parkinson's is a very serious matter, that as it progresses can increase depression in a person.

  I can only imagine all the different thoughts that Chloe will have if she has to deal with any more medical prolbems.

  I am already trying to find ways to keep Chloe distracted and busy to build her self confidence.

  Last night was the first time in a while I have been able to laugh and have a good time.

   Betty and I met Martin and Wendy at Pizza Ranch for dinner. Before either Betty or I could get Chloe out of the van Wendy was right there waiting for Chloe. Wanting to take charge of Chloe.

  Chloe was smiling immediately when she seen Wendy.

  I think the couple that were across from us may of thought Chloe was mentally challenged when they seen Wendy fussing over Chloe.

  They were smiling every time they glanced over and seen Wendy tending to Chloe.

  They left the same time we did and his wife picked up Wendy's purse when she dropped it and handed it to her and told Wendy she was really sweet the way she was tending to Chloe.

  Wendy told them that her sister was her best friend and thanked them.

  Wendy had a smile on her face no one could wipe off.

  Betty and Martin agreed that Sunday was going to be to cool for the lake and I made the subjection that they were welcomed over for the day and the girls could play at Chloe's house, so today we'll see how it goes again.

  Sunday went well Wendy started helping with all of Chloe's care and changes, just as I was having problems with Chloe's leg and hip braces Wendy is finding it quite challenging also.

  Chloe appeared a little reluctant with   Wendy changing her but Chloe has excepted Wendy stepping in to do this.

  Martin told me that he didnt want to pry into Chloe's personal life, but he asked Betty and I about what had happened to Chloe, so I explained everything that Chloe had been through.

  Martin didn't relise that Chloe was a male physically, till I explained about her steps going through transition, and the accident taking it all away from her.

  It seams that Martin has been awakened the same as Betty was, and can understand why Chloe has decided on her lifestyle she's chosen.

  It's nice when you can have people come over that don't judge someone for the choices in life.

   I'm just too busy that I really don't have the time to post as often as I'd like, so I'll just try to post once a week

This way if I can get Chloe to express her feelings she will see all the positive feeds I've made on her behalf, and may see how much we've all grown.

[whimsically-ominously-auspice]

Do not protect and go the distence for COVID-19 patients. You will die from it.

California was sent 170 broken ventilators. They sent them and had them fixed...

Point. You can just use an air pump for a blow up mattress. Use an electric one or have them pump their own manual one which is preferred.

Airflow in at a high rate of speed will force itself out. Like a cyclone. They don't need comfort of each single breath.

You're illegally trying to keep them alive. They only need airflow of oxygen.

Check yourself.

What are you doing?

Time and time again from Day One I have said only evil can get this disease

Why are you trying to save what will kill you?

I can go into graphic details. But i want you to simply logistically understand.

You are saving what will kill and destroy you and your kids and your family..

Would you resurrect Hitler or Stalin? Each COVID-19 patient is the equivalent.

That is what you are doing in those hospitals.

So i again have taken control and created hospitals where proper care will be given.

Realize why.

Why have I taken your independence away to treat and save lives?

You are irresponsible and not following directions.

I'm not here to shame you but shake you awake. With love and guidance..

I hope you all understand better.

I cannot punish you for your love of life. I refuse to. So I take away your "right" to care for such individuals that will kill and harm you.

This is the lessons of life. They are evil i said. They belong in jails. On Death Row

You are preventing the execution of Death Row inmates whom have been legally proven to be guilty with standalone evidence.

There is so many emotions of high intensity.

Stop feeling. Start thinking of your own safety. Your own sanity.

I say they are evil. A child with 800 years of daily hands on intense experience has diverted it several times to include only evil.

And you don't understand to comprehend in a way your actions make any sense.

You a life saver are attempting to destroy the world.

Is that your intent?

Or are you afraid to think on your own?

Afraid of change?

Afraid society will turn their backs on you and throw rocks in your face?

Why are you afraid? I am here to protect you.

I have not said stop giving them masks. I have supported hand washing. I have not said stop giving aide to the hospitals, my own company, the biggest in the world is sending directly from factory to hospitals. I support you and allow you the convenience of protecting your self from some something that won't even hurt you.

So you need to stop. Realize the person you're tending is not your child. Not your self. But a monster created with greed and only greed accompanied by violence and hate.

For you.

I have not once thanked the hospital workers.

You didn't wonder why? I didn't forget you exist. ABC kept posting thank them thank them. No. I could not. I care yes. But i cannot thank.

I can love yes. But i cannot appreciate.

The whole world with sanitation and social distancing disrespects and destroys my ability to easily kill with COVID-19.

But I must comfort and prove to our Underworld we will do all we can to accommodate and honor their existence.

I look at social media and all I see is a mess concerning COVID-19

What would not make it a mess is allowing sick people out. Not isolate. Quarentine with freedom like the rest of us. No hospital care mesns they die quicker and its actually not painful. There is a sudden panic but other than that it's a fair die in your sleep death.

It with COVID-19 is an average of 9 days.

Y'all are keeping them alive for months. And so you are torturing. Which is fine and acceptable.

But the disease must spread..

Clean door knobs because people are disgusting and don't wash after shitting. Or holding their Dick to per or after eating greasy food.

But don't sanitize for COVID-19

Clean for dog shit in the park. Grime and dirt in halls

The sanitation process of all this you don't understand. It's called janitorial services.

Cleaning what you never do. Finding beautiful things that is covered under centuries of dirt.

Clean the walls. You never do.

Hospitals don't clean walls.

Clean the walls.

Take pride in what you have that is good and you want to keep.

To rejoin the Union once you secede. You have to promise to wash hands and clean walls.

That has been set for 265 years. I didn't just make it up.

So I didn't have to tell you anything you would been told in 6 months.

But you humans need to get real.

Things are bad here. You're not making them worse because we are in a controlled and predicted environments. Otherwise i wouldn't have back up plans that go into immediate action.

So torture them and keep them alive longer --- but if you don't know that is what you are doing then you dont enjoy it. And you should..what you are making worse is for what happens to you. You are draining your own life from your soul.

I can't continue to allow that to happen. We predicted it would and so now they will go to my hospital

If you prevent a COVID-19 patient from going to my make shift hospitals you will be jailed and fined and labeled a terrorist.

That is horrible to do to you but what you are doing to Your mind and soul is worse.

You are a terrorist to yourself at that point.

So think about you. .what are you doing?.

All this time I've given you the facts list.

And you threw it out the window as if it Didn't exist..

You don't believe in human trafficking's existence? The earth is flat? You don't believe rapists roam this earth? Child abusers? You don't think any would hurt you?

Nothing bad will happen to you? You're innocent?

Aliens don't care. Evil doesn't care. Hate doesn't care.

I set you the most difficult of traps.

COVID-19

Wash your hands every one barks

Stay home everyone says

And you do. And you don't know why.

And no one has asked me to this dying day

David Muir has asked me a few specifics. Which I did explain.

I am asking "why are hospitals treating these ill people?"

I already said once don't be incubating sick people let them roam free and spread the disease

How many times do i need to say it?

I say i will pay you. One time I say it. You do it and you get paid.

Because I'm not paying you to do what is right. To do what yoh understand you do shit you have no ideas why but just because someone said.

Don't question authority that makes no fucking sense.

Amazon 38% of my employees were going to walk out and get abducted and enslaved into human traffic.

All they had to do was smell the bathroom. Look at the janitor washing walls two times a week the entire time you fucking worked there.

I'm just going to say it. You're stupid.

There is no other way to finalize it. You're perfectly stupid.

Stop being stupid.

Of that 38% 9% was going to be brutally raped.

22% of that 38% has been target marked for evil and illegal aliens full of greed.

Which means 16% of y'all are stupid. I do prefer the term naive in most cases but this was pure stupidity in Amazon factories talking about it needed to be closed and sanitzed. The air is sanitized 3 different ways. In a 4 foot thick carbon filter down lit UV air ducts of 17 feet minimum to 89 feet. Then in the actual building with lights on the walls and the air is cycled so it rotates past those lights 19 times a minute. Now what the fuck is wrong with you?

You thought you could trust some One that said they're your friend?

You wanted paid time off?

You just wanted to experience a protest? Mind you for no good of a reason. You may as well burned a cross in my yard and lit me on fire for my skin color.

What the fuck?

Don't do this shit any more. I said the world is dangerous. The world is dangerous.

Trust me my own soulmate Is as stupid as all of you 16%. He got poisoned by Radon. I looked at 1 picture and knew.

Matching goggles.

So Amazon you don't understand your facility is clean when your walls are bleached 2 times a week or when you get emails to wash your hands or use more soap when you do?

When the pandemonium occurred the email to reassure you with the facts of the cleanliness didn't come to mind?

Or that only evil people get COVID-19? And that is the only deadly one?

Matching goggles. Alex never wears goggles. I was looking and i was thinking he kinds look like a cop.. Sexy cop hot.

Then i looked at the other guy who doesn't but realized they have the same exact kind. And he doesn't wear a bike helmet. He wears a motor bike one.

And i realized that guy looks pure evil. I had him assassinated before daylight.

So there's all these EVIL people I say i will kill with disease. And you all stop them. Try to prevent that?

Look like i said my honey bun is a complete idiot moron sociopath.

So y'all don't think you're better than him.

I don't know this dude didnt escape the hospital on COVID-19 and steal an oxygen tank he wouldn't otherwise had access to because he only keeps radiotherapy at his home. Then rode down with Alex while on oxygen stolen from the hospital that he hid in this photo. Do you? He felt better because you as a nurse or doctor allowed him to feel better. To get better for a few days.

Hello. What the fuck are you doing?

Killing my stupid husband. The love of my life. I've never loved any one more than him.

And yet you kill him. You kill me.

DNA4U has a list of your only friends in the world. Don't play with any one else. Dont take advice from anyone else. Don't let anyone else in your house. World-wide. That is a command. You will be punished if you don't. Because you will do something stupid and hurt yourself. That is a fact. Proven by my nearly late husband. Which by the way he should had picked me up already.

[psychicwolftraveler-blog]

Bipolar and the stigma

Bipolar and the stigma against mental illness

When people hear mental illness they tend to shudder with fear and smugness as if there better than anyone who suffers from something. When people hear Bipolar they run a mile! Some may say I am exaggerating but I am not. Iv seen it first hand. I myself suffer from Bipolar Type 2. Now i emphasise the type as thats important. When people hear Bipolar they think of manic, mania, psychosis, hyper, unhinged...the list goes on. But I am none of those things. Type 2 sufferers tend to have long bouts of low periods and very intense anxiety, in all honesty the anxiety can manifest into paranoia-so there is an element of psychosis but nowhere near as much as a Type 1 sufferer.

I was diagnosed 3 years ago at the age of 27 going on 28. Prior to this, Id only ever had one other breakdown and that was 10 years before hand in my late teens. I had always suffered from some form of anxiety but i had always managed to control it. My job as a manager kept me mentally busy and challanged and i thrived on stress, in fact in one interview i even said i loved it! but in the end it was stress that broke me down, and now sadly that aspect off any job i do in the future will be a no no for me! But since my diagnosis iv noticed a wave of stigma attached to mental health. People are geniunly scared of it! There scared of what it means and what it can do. they dont realise the effects that can have on the person suffering!

I myself have never told any of my employers about my illness for this reason, because a lack of understanding on their part can make them nieve, and regardless of how qualified I am I wont be fit enough for the job because my brain ever so slightly works in a diffrent way to others! I know my triggers and I can control it to a point...the only thing that stops me having control is pregnanacy, because adding those hormones to an already altered mind makes for very confusing times! I spend weeks indoors not talking to anybody or seeing the outside world-but its all for the greater good, and though i can turn into a hormonal nightmare when pregnant, having a baby is a blessing and ill take all the bad that comes with it!

I recently wrote an open letter on twitter to many celebrity ambassadors for mental health, including the young royals- below is the letter i wrote:

I am writing to you today as I have been reading about all your work that you are doing surrounding mental health namely the stigma surrounding it. I am writing to you in a capacity of desperation to get my voice heard. You both are the voice that can speak for the millions so I figured it was worth a shot so here goes. Let me give you a background on myself. I am 31 and am a freelance journalist/poet and a manager within the NHS. I has my first mental breakdown when I was 16 at the time people thought it was a mixture of hormones and family factors, none the less I had to leave 6th form and was medicated for a few years. When that fog lifted I returned to college and went onto university to study new media journalism. To support myself I had to work in the post room within a NHS trust. I worked my way up that corporate ladder very quickly and after graduating kept the journalistic side to freelance and continued to work my way up in the NHS,  iv worked in A&E as admin manager, iv worked as unit managers for CNWL's Addiction services, and even ended up managing the admin team at the same unit that treated me when I was 16 within west London mental health trust, which was ironic really but also showed how far I had come and accomplished! The same doctor that treated me still worked there too! I went from being her patient 10 years before to drinking with her in a pub at 26 a fully fledged cured adult who managed the admin team including her secretary! The signifance of me telling this will become apparent soon.... In november 2014 I suffered a severe break down and voluntarily went into a low secure mental health unit just to rest and get the treatment I needed! Again it was west London mental health I was treated by, but this time I had two perspectives, one the patient and two the employee! The same doctors and nurse I had been drinking in a pub with 2 years before now saw me as a patient, some wouldn't even say hello.  The only people to acknowledge me were the patiebts who rembered me from the services they attended, but now i was one of them. This was my first experience of the stigma of mental health, I was no good anymore I was just another patient. It was at this point I was diagnosed with Bipolar type 2, I would like to emphasize the type 2 as that's another stigma I get. The difference between type 1 and 2 is vast, there is no mania with my type and more anxiety and depression. It was a hard diagnosis but it hadn't come from nowhere I had it since 16! It made sense all the times I'd have down patches I just put down to environmental factors, a bad relationship, argument with friends, stress at work etc... I just thought it was what the doctors had said when I was 16..hormones and family factors, but it wasn't it was bipolar.. So the entire time I had been working I had bipolar and nobody had known, not me, not my colleagues not even the doctor who treated me at 16 and drank with me on Friday night and now wouldn't even say hello to me after seeing me in hospital! Stigma is stigma and even employees and doctors have them. Knowing that keeping busy controlled it and stress made it worse I went straight back to work in a brand new job at the RNOH in stanmore in January 2015!! I took a step back and went in as a EA to the hospitals operations director....not an easy job but less stressful than managing things myself but it wasn't long before I got the urge to take the reins once more and within 9 months I was unit manager of paediatrics at the same hospital!  Again nobody knew until I fell pregnant in March 2016, I was not on any medication apart from calming pills to stop my anxiety flaring up but I stopped all these when I found out. I had my first and only encounter with perinatel who are a great team and service, unfortunately I miscarried at 20 weeks, and within 3 days I was discharged from the perinatal service and was on my own. The pregnancy hormones and lack of medication had made Me very edgy and anxious more so than I had ever been, then losing the baby caused more emotions which were hard to deal with. I had to finish at my job in the June of 2016 as the stress and the commute were making me sick again and being pregnant I had to make that my priority not my career. It was the first time I hadn't worked since I was 18 and being at home made my illness worse. None the less me and my partner tried again and I fell pregnant in may 2017 but again lost it at 6 weeks. This sent me into a downward spiral and I had to make a decision to try again or go back to work but we tried again and here I am 11 weeks pregnant and everything thus far going well and being monitored  everything but my mental health. Iv had no further contact from a perinatel team and  am on no medication. When I do see my midwife my mental health always gets used as a weapon. Iv been told I must have a cesarean for my own health but I also must have meeting regarding mental health to see if I could cope with a baby and what my support network is. That is what has pushed me to write to you both.... The stigma. Just because I have a diagnosis does not mean I am not capable or of sound mind! I went 12 years with nobody none the wiser not even the doctor who had originally treated me at 16, but now they can name my problem I'm not a worthy and am treated a second class citezen. People Dont talk about mental health because of this reason, and things need to change. If I had another invisible illness like epilepsy would I have the same stigma... Probably not. With my corporate mindset I ask you, when you work with mental health issues, departmentalise each issue.... Suicide, depression, psychosis, anxiety, insomnia, eating disorders . within each of these things there is a stigma and within each of those boxes is a person like me who can control, hide and survive through my issues everyday with nobody knowing, working in high level jobs too scared to say anything because when I do I become somebody everybody is scared of abd treat differently just because I'm labeled with a mental illness and as the voice of the many I do hope the work you all do goes someway to helping the case I have put to you today because this is an issue that needs changing and changing fast.I have enclosed copy's of 2 poems I have written about mental health which are also published online, I look forward to your response Yours faithfully

Needless to say I never got any replys-which made me more determined to start a blog, to have my voice and get it heard!!

Iv recently read in the news today that they believe the grand old president of the USA, Mr Donald J Trump is apparently suffering from a mental illness-which could in effect cost him his job! According to the BBC, experts believe he is suffering from narcassistic personality disorder- now hes the kind of person that gives people with genuine mental illness a bad name! He's not mentally ill, hes an egotistic old man who is too twitter happy and obscessed with big red buttons. Everything he says is pathetic and he cant be taken seriously, the way the USA can justify thier horrific mistake of electing such a gorrilla is to brush it off with, "we didnt realise he was mentaly ill"!! cop out if you ask me!!! Just take his tweets with Mr Kim Jung un- iv seen 3 year olds in nurserys have better arguments than that!! Thats not a mental illness its a child in a 70 somethings body!! Hes the human real life version of Tom Hanks's character in Big, just not as nice or as clever or as entertaining!! I defenitly wouldnt want to play the big piano with him in a toy store-god forbid you were better than him- you'd be banned from America and called a loser on twitter before being handed a shovel and some bricks to go and build his mexican wall!

My point is, mental illness is a stigma and when its used to describe somebody like Donald Trump its no wonder people get scared!! We should be allowed to talk about it more freely and openly without the fear of being judged-but if that will change who will know...Until then all we can do is live on and fight the big fight that is mental illness which ever one it may be..... we'll talk more on this subject... but until then take care...

The typist behind the screen xxx

www.gogsworld.net