#miles has cried to the song ‘change’ I can’t be told otherwise

[northlight14]

Both Edgeworth and Phoenix listen to Lana Del Rey, idk what to tell you

[havenoffandoms]

“Quick, catch the cat it stole my coin pouch!” geralt x y/n (fem) please!

I usually aim to get these written the same day I get them, but yesterday was a day. But I got round to it today, so here you go. A short fluffy blurb for you, nonnie. 

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Prompt 33: “Quick! Catch the cat, he stole my coin pouch!”

Warning: mild swearing, and featuring a kleptomaniac cat. Otherwise, this is pure fluff.

"I don't care what you say, Geralt," you maintain firmly as you stir the stew cooking steadily in the pot hanging over the fire, "my cat is very smart. Sometimes I think that he's almost human."

"A very dumb human, then," Geralt rumbles at your side, which earns him a glare cast over your shoulder. "Seriously Y/N, you're giving that animal too much credit."

"That animal has a name. His name is Whiskers! And Whiskers has a sixth sense, Geralt. Sometimes when I'm feeling sad, or just a bit under the weather, he comes to me and lies on my chest because he knows that it calms me." 

"Or, you're just more comfortable to sleep on than the dusty floorboards." You pointedly ignore Geralt's comment in favour of telling him more examples of just how great your faithful companion is. 

"He's also a guard cat. He can sense someone coming a mile off and comes to warn me. Don't give me that look, he does warn me! He finds me and starts meowing and chirping."

Just as Geralt opens his mouth to comment on what you just said, your cat jumps onto the table and struts up to where Geralt is currently sitting and mending his shirt. Whiskers stops just short of stepping onto Geralt's black shirt - a good job too, because there is no way in hell that Geralt would be able to get rid of your cat's orange hair no matter how often he washed his shirt in the river. He and Whiskers already have a tough time getting along… you don't want your beloved pet to give Geralt yet another reason to despise him. 

You can't suppress a chuckle when Whiskers hisses viciously at Geralt. 

"Yeah, fuck you too, bastard."

"His name is Whiskers," you remind Geralt in a song-song voice laced with amusement. It's not that Whiskers is scared of the witcher, far too used to his uncanny presence at this point to mind. No, Whiskers is merely letting Geralt know who's boss in your house… and unfortunately, that person is not you. You surrendered all governance over your own home to your cat a long time ago. Whiskers stays firmly planted on the table, tail twitching dangerously and eyes staring right into Geralt's very soul. The witcher decides to ignore him as he returns his attention to his sewing. 

"Dinner's almost ready," you inform him so that he can start putting away his kit and set the table. You vaguely hear him shuffle behind you, followed by the tell-tale sound of Whiskers hissing again and Geralt telling him to fuck off. You don't expect to feel Geralt's arms snake around your hips and pull you back until your back is flush against his chest. You let out a startled giggle and manage to drop your ladle in your pot. 

"Now look what you've done! Made me lose my ladle."

"Sorry," he apologises in a tone which suggests that the ladle is the furthest thing from his mind right now, "just couldn't resist."

You feel Geralt place teasing kisses down the length of your throat, sucking a pink mark into your skin right behind you ear, pulling a shudder from you. You playfully smack the hands resting over your belly before turning around in his embrace. When your eyes meet, his gaze instantly softens at the sight of your smile meant only for him. 

"Smells heavenly. Best cook in all the Continent."

"I should start charging for my services, then," you tease him as you bring one hand up to scratch the hair at the nape of his neck. A pleased rumble tumbles past his lip as his eyes flutter shut, but you don't let him get too comfortable in your embrace. "C'mon, set the table! We can cuddle some more later."

Geralt only reluctantly parts from you, not before stealing a lingering kiss from your lips. The enamoured smile that graces his lips quickly vanishes when he turns to find that his purse has disappeared from the table. You see him glance around the room in search for the culprit, only to land on Whiskers staring at both of you with wide eyes, carrying a coin pouch in his mouth. 

"Fucking pest!" Geralt cries out, and to your hilarity, Whiskers makes off through the open window with Geralt's coin. "Fuck. Quick! Catch the cat, it stole my coin pouch."

"I told you Whiskers is more clever than you give him credit for," you shout after Geralt, unable to contain your laughter as you watch your lover pull the door open and dash out in pursuit of your cat. You shake your head fondly. You wouldn't change your life for the world.

[icharchivist]

Bookam Sr and Allen have this understated dynamic throughout the series that would be so easy to miss if you didn't really look for it. I feel like the past Allen bookman theory was what helped at least got me to look deeper into it but even w/o the theory the moments are there. You can't deny Sr treats Allen a little differently then anyone else. Yeah he's not warm/close with him like he is w/Lavi (he's not shown to be like that w/anyone besides Lavi). But he's not as distant either. Sr's not-

2 made of stone nor does he not interact with others. I think he plays chess with Krory and he teases Kanda a lot. He also helps out Komui with research stuff. But Allen’s the only one he’s shown concern and worry for on a personal level. I honestly completely forgot how Bookman was the only person to take Allen’s feelings into consideration about Chomesuke’s situation. That’s a pretty big deal since that’s a area everyone should know matters a lot to Allen. It’s also striking as you said-

3 Bookman has a hard time referring Allen by just his first name, despite knowing Allen prefers that. He only calls him by his full name when referring to him as the DOT (post intro) or Walker inside his own head. To Allen’s face and other people, Allen’s only ‘Kid’. Which is considered a term of endearment by some people while also a causal nickname for just anyone younger. Granted, Lavi is Sr’s 1# priority as a relationship but you can’t deny Sr also has this unshakeable faith in Allen. -

4 I can’t either shake off the feeling even when the Ark dissapeared and Bookman expressed deep worry/loss for Lavi. Bookman probably kept his believe Allen (and Cross because he’s a cockroach) were still alive because he’s the DOT. Which makes you wonder if Bookman has such faith, then his worry for Allen in the times it’s shown takes on a new meaning too. He’ll show anxiety for Allen’s wellbeing (as much as he’s willing) when he sees it. Which could even put a new spin on his distance.

yees definitly agreed with you! tbh I completely understated the dynamic until we started to discuss seriously Allen being the Lost Apprentice, and discuss therefore what that would mean for Bookman. 

Like you say it’s just, we don’t see Bookman interreact with a lot of people aside from Lavi and most of the stuff we see, Kanda Krory Komui ect… Are all rather “daily life stuff”. He does consider too Lenalee’s grief and guilt after Allen’s death but he mostly actually acts on it after Lavi is the one to react. So he does have a distance with everyone else.

But with Allen there’s this extra step, which can be ofc justified just by him having to keep an eye on him, but i really find it signifiant that there, to himself, he thought “oh Walker wouldn’t be happy”. It isn’t something he says to anyone to explain why this would be sad, like he would justify Lenalee’s grief, it’s.. just to himself, knowing specifically that Allen wouldn’t like it. Idk how others people would have reacted (Lavi is far away fighting, Miranda is far away, the others are out of focus) - Honestly it’s interesting Bookman’s reaction of “Walker wouldn’t like it” took precedence over Lenalee considering it’s Lenalee who had to hold Allen back from being reckless for the sake of self-destructive Akuma. If anyone had reasons in the plot to focus on it it was Lenalee, but there, probably because tied with Bookman’s knowledge of the Cross tempered Akuma, it’s focused on Bookman and that just makes his reaction all the more uncanny? It makes the extra mile for Allen’s sake. And if we add to that that it’s specifically something Allen’s other father figure set in place, idk, that put even more spotlight on Bookman specifically as a caretaker figure. Which we know he’s not for Current!Allen. Unless Lost Apprentice.

I’m honestly going to keep track of how he calls Allen because I was thanksfully told about him calling him kid early in my re-read and so far i could have paid enough attention to know specifically he calls him always kid to his face, “Allen Walker” when he can immediatly mentions the prophecy, and “Walker” in his head. 

tbh I feel like it was necessary too to mention who Bookman was talking about, i don’t know if saying “the kid wouldn’t be pleased” would have made it obvious who he talked about, but i do find it signifiant that the alternative is to address him by his “DOT” name in a way. Especially if Allen=Lost Apprentice, then “Allen” as a name would have been the apprentice’s last used name before his disappearance and would hold a history hard to process. Not to mention ofc that Bookman just refusing to call him an actual name could be just an extension of “since he changed first name all the time he goes by a nickname”

I will keep up my attention on the Ark’s disappearance to be sure, because if Bookman had an unshakeable faith in Allen even there… Yes there could be just “he’s the DOT he’ll manage”but there would be far far more to establish about Bookman somewhat feeling confident about Allen managing something as the Musician since it seems Past!A became the Musician before he merged with Nea (considering Red cries hearing the song while Nea is still asleep, which would much more imply Past!A’s feelings over Nea’s feelings for the song). 

We don’t know how much Bookman knows about Allen, and about Cross’s plans, and while i could see him have faith in Allen only because “the prophecy is why he’s here today” (which remains very valid since esp if Lost Apprentice, it brought Allen back to him in some way after believing him dead - which in itself would be a reason to think Allen wouldn’t die that easily), there could be a whole other can of worms about how much he knows about his Lost Apprentice’s involvement with the Ark.

But yeah meanwhile his worries for Lavi extends. Normal too, because Lavi isn’t shielded by any sort of prophecies, and there is this whole thing that Bookman saw him grow up and Lavi almost died in his arms when he was 7yo, so I think Bookman has far more a consciousness on how the kid he raised can die, even if he’s tough, than Allen whom at this point is a different person than Past!A, and that if Past!A=Lost Apprentice, Bookman knows he survived unlikely experience, and especially had been distached enough over those past few years to hold on to faith where raw emotional parental affection had held him to Lavi unshakenly for years. 

And meanwhile the long term of Bookman’s worries for Allen just, like you say, show even more that it’s… deeply rooted, it puts itself in contrast with how much faith he has in him and how he seems to treat Allen differently and what are the threats Bookman are considering for Allen, and how much the extension to care about his wellbeing really seems like a lite version of how he cares for Lavi instead of him caring about Allen a bit above everyone else. Which is not helping the Lost Apprentice theories one bit.

Bookman is a character i’ve never really took the time to read in depth about because of how the whole clan’s “distach your emotions” stuff work, and it’s therefore very easy to dismiss his behavior as “the ideal of neutrality he’s imposing on Lavi”, but there’s so much nuances when you start to look for them, and Lost Apprentice!Allen had helped shed a lot of light on his character. Even if Allen doesn’t turn out to be the Lost Apprentice (even if it just strengthen this belief to me) this would have at least got us to really dive into Bookman and the sort of person he is. 

And for that i’m forever grateful to anyone who had come at me too discuss more about Bookman himself because damn i feel like i’ve missed a huge junk of the story when I end up reading one panel and let the information of it sink in dkjhfdkj

This is fascinating at least. Some things I would really never have picked up otherwise, it’s incredible.

[eroticcannibal]

OK SO HERE IS EVERYTHING ABOUT MY HELLISH TIME IN LONDON TO SEE DIR EN GREY

If you are just looking for stuff about the gig, scroll down to the bold and italics bit cus I have some ranting to do. 

OK SO Everything was fine, was a bit cold when I left home but that’s fine, wore some trousers planning to change once I got to the hostel. Catching the coach was fine. Reached London, left the coach station like “ah, now I can smoke”. Go to roll a cigarette, BUT MY STUFF IS GONE. Couldn’t find it anywhere. Great. So I go buy some more and plan out my route to the hostel. Looks easy enough, catch the Victoria line then a 10 min walk. What could go wrong? Should take half an hour, I had an hour till my planned arival time, then an hour to change and do my makeup, then leave the hostel at 5. Plenty of time. 

So I get to where google told me my hostel was. And there is no hostel. Ok maybe it’s just hard to see, right? So I ask around. No one knows anything about a hostel. One person knows about a hostel across the road that was demolished, but that’s it. I was pretty sure I was in the right place, since I was looking for somewhere on Seven Sister’s road, and all the shops had Seven Sistsers mentioned on it, and there were tube stations that said Seven Sistsers on them. (Turns out this road was actually High Road! What the fuck! London is bullshit!) So I called the hostel (which thankfully did exist) and got some directions. Which weren’t very clear. And got more lost. So I called my girlfriend! To get more directions! “Hey I’m at the Costa” “ok theres like 4 of them” “across from tesco” “theres 3 costas across from tesco on that road”. EVENTUALLY I found the hostel. at 5. I had been no more than 15 minutes away the whole time but it took 2 HOURS TOTAL to get there. 

And then when I check in I CAN’T PAY IN CASH So I had to go get cash, fine whatever. Had just enough time to get changed and do the worst makeup I have ever done but w/e so then I went to catch the bus. This is when I find out that London is a hell city specifically designed to torture me and THEY DO NOT ACCEPT CASH ON BUSES UNLIKE THE REST OF THE FUCKING WORLD. LONDON IS THE BAD PLACE. 

At this point I’m just having a full on breakdown cus walking to the venue would take over an hour, it’s already past half 5, I don’t know what the fuck to do, I’m without my carer in a stressful situation and I’m already in so much pain from all the extra walking I’ve done I’m struggling to move. And I’ve been wearing fishnets and heels all day. And I forgot my pain meds. 

So I call my girlfriend AGAIN, and after much hassle we find somewhere near me I can buy an oyster card. Which I apparently can’t do without assistance from staff. SO FINALLY I can go catch the bus and get there. 

And then I had to walk all the way to the back of the queue on legs that already felt like they were going to give out. I was SUFFERING. That queue was LONG. But at least I got to witness people’s reactions to seeing how long the queue was when they turned the last corner >:D

I should have got there at half 5. I GOT THERE AT FUCKING 6.55, BULL. SHIT. But also bless everyone who goes straight to the cloakroom and merch table and bar so I still got about halfway to the front.  (ok yes actually phones out are actually anoying that far back, i’ve never been that far back so i’ve had like max one phone near me)

THE SHOW ITSELF

Ok so, y’know, they are a good band. When they managed to play, they played very well. The show was a fucking disaster though. I have no concept of time and had no way to check the time so please correct me if you were there, but felt like, an hour almost in total that nothing was happening. Some folks were speculating before the 3rd pause that “technical issues” was code for “kyo is tired” but I think the third one proved otherwise. First two times they walked off stage everyone was mostly confused but since we were told technical issues were happening and the third stop was in the middle of the song, that one got quite a big reaction. Kyo looked... really fucking pissed when he dropped his mic and left. (Also I heard Kaoru stormed off or got pissed off or something? I couldn’t see) during the next pause people started walking out. And my god we were all SO FUCKING HYPED when the encore started cus we were convinced we weren’t gonna get one. (also pls tell me I’m not the only one who saw Die getting all tangled up when changing guitars?)

I saw on instagram they said they lost the tracks on the computer, and I’m guessing they may have lost whatever they were projecting on the back too cus that stopped. But they changed the setlist and did a full set. And they did really fucking well! Miles better than last time I sa them, with some fucking audience interation this time too! And they played Saku! And a bunch of other older ones I love but SAKU. They didn’t play Ranunculus tho :/

Die’s speach was lovely. His english has really improved since I met him, and he is so sweet! I would die for him. His wind machine for his hair is ridiculous but I would still die for him. He is so precious. 

Despite the amount of pain I was in I went FUCKING HARD and could barely get out the venue I can still barely fucking move but it was absolutely worth it. (and rip in peace to the dude next to me who had a drumstick bounce off his hand shjkdshdfjhskl)

Although y’know I gotta say it, why is it ALWAYS dir en grey gigs where someone sees two people stood touching each other and they think “ah yes, I can fit between them. That is where I am going to stand”. I’ve never had this happen quite as much with any other band as with dir en grey. DO NOT DO THAT. IT IS RUDE. THIS IS MY PLACE. GO FIND YOUR FUCKING OWN. I WILL LET YOU PASS THROUGH BUT YOU WILL NOT FORCE YOURSELF BETWEEN ME AND OTHER PEOPLE. KYO DOESN’T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOU AND BEING HALF A METER CLOSE TO HIM WILL NOT MAKE HIM FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU. Y’all carry that shit on you’ll end up like the one who tried to force me off the barrier during the K! tour. I got sharp elbows, and now I’ve got a cane too. I will use them. 

ALSO AFTER THE GIG I MET THE LOVLIEST DOG. I GAVE A QUID TO A HOMELESS GUY AND HE ASKED ME TO SAY HELLO TO HIS DOG CUS APPARENTLY EVERYONE IN THE AREA WERE IGNORING POOR LITTLE ALFIE AND HE WAS SAD. NO ONE HAD SAID HELLO TO HIM. I am VERY dissapointed in all of you who aren’t afraid of or allergic to dogs who didn’t stop to give some love to Alfie. He is so friendly! he’s such a sweetheart! And clearly so healthy and well looked after. I cried a bit when I had to leave him. I love Alfie so much. I would die for him too. He looks so lovely in his scarf! 

Anyway then going back to the hostel I got off the bus at the wrong stop, the plug by my bed was broken so I couldn’t charge my phone, and I had the lumpiest pillow I have ever encountered in my life and I am worse the the fucking princess in the princess and the pea. 

And on the way back the next day the walk from tube to coach station (9 minutes) thanks to my piece of shit phone and google maps too 40 minutes. And My ankles felt fucking broken so imagine what walkig round london was like. But I got home alive wo I GUESS EVERYTHING IS FINE. 

Still not sure if seeing them was worth all this bullshit given the technical issues, but I’m at “not sure” rather than “nope” so that’s something I guess?

ALSO I’m curious to hear what the VIP event was like pls dish the dirt

[peterkayscarshare]

Life in the Slow Lane Chapter 4 by OvertheRainbow2

Life In The Slow Lane Part 4: A New Direction

 Thirty minutes after his declaration, John and Kayleigh were seated on the side of her single bed, arms wrapped around each other, while Kayleigh continued to intermittently sob, sniff and ruin the sleeve of John’s shirt. She’d also made her way through half a box of Kleenex Ultra Soft and John was becoming increasingly concerned that at this rate, she was at significant risk of dehydration. “Seriously Kayleigh. You’ve got to stop cryin’” “I know! I just can’t! Every time I look at you. No one’s ever said anything like that to me before. It was so beautiful.” With that she started crying yet again. “Yeah, well I meant every word. I love ya. I’m also really hoping you’ll stop blubbin long enough for me to a) get the feeling back in me right arm, b) avoid the necessity to dry clean this shirt, c) prevent flood damage to the carpet and d) let me kiss ya. That finally made her smile, “I like the sound of option d”. “I thought you might.” The kiss started out as a tentative and tender effort to reacquaint their lips but as was often the case between them, it didn’t take long for it to become more of a heated exchange. Soon they were reclining on the bed, their limbs desperately trying to find the optimum position, like a highly competitive game of Twister. Forgetting that the scope of his performance was somewhat limited by the venue, John attempted to roll onto his back, bringing Kayleigh with him, only to crash unceremoniously into the tiny bedside table, upending the alarm clock and bedside lamp. “Christ! Me elbow! Mother of God woman! You should come with a health warning.” “Never mind your elbow! What about me lamp!? Anyway, you were the one attempting gymnastics.” Moment lost, Kayleigh clambered over John to survey the damage and pick up the scattered items from the floor. 

 Having narrowly avoided catastrophe, John was now comfortably reclining on the bed with a somewhat smug expression on his face. He couldn’t help but grin as he admired Kayleigh’s pert posterior as she bent over in front of him. “I don’t know if anyone’s ever told you this but you’ve got one hell of acute little ass Miss Kitson.” “John!” “What!? You do. It’s a statement of fact. The idea of that sleazy get Rick puttin’ his hands anywhere near you, pisses me off in ways you can’t imagine. How I’m gonna get through this wedding without lampin’ him, I’ve no idea.” Kayleigh found herself blushing at his cheeky compliment. He noticed, “You’re also very sexy when you blush.” Sensing this was heading for, as yet, uncharted territory and curious to discover the exact destination, she decided to play along. “Am I now?” “Yeah. You are.” “You know, one of these days you’re going to have to put your money where your mouth is John Redmond.” “What the Hell does that mean?” “It means you’re all talk and no action. All mouth and no trousers.” “Oh Really.” “Yeah really.” “You talkin’ about Rick because if you are, let me tell you, no one touches my woman. If he wants to keep his wedding tackle intact, he’ll keep his hands to himself from now on.”  “Ooh, here comes the caveman. Your woman?” “Well, Yeah. That’s what you are...aren’t ya?” Kayleigh drew herself up to the entirety of her 5ft 2 ins, “I am a woman John.” “I know you are”. “And even though I can stand up for myself, I do love it that you get all, protective of me. I just think it’s also important that you understand that a woman has needs. This woman has needs.”

 John began to look sheepish. “Yeah but I’m guessin’ they don’t include some lecherous bastard takin’ liberties!” “No. They do not.” “Listen, I know how you feel and I’m not averse to fulfilling those “needs”. Honest I’m not.” Kayleigh scoffed, “Yeah right! I’ll believe that when I see it. If I made a serious move on you right now, you’d run a mile. You’d be off down those stairs faster than Usain Bolt.“ “What makes you so sure?” “Experience. With you, it’s so far and no further. I’ve heard every excuse in the book. “Let’s not rush things”, “Oh heck, is that the time? We’ve got an early start in the morning”. My personal favourite is, “Pat next door’s bringing back me orbital sander”. You’re hot and cold more often than a dodgy boiler John Redmond. It’s like that Victoria Wood song. I’m saying “Let’s do it!” and I half expect you to say “Me mother’s sent a note to say you must excuse me.” John was smiling, “D’ya want me to beat you on the bottom with a Woman’s Weekly then?” Kayleigh couldn’t help but chuckle, “You’re missing the point!” “I’m not. Believe me, I understand. You’re frustrated that we haven’t....you know...” “Oh I know! The word is sex John and frankly if you can’t even say it, I’m more than a bit concerned about you’re ability to actually do it!” “Hey! I can do it. Trust me. I’ve had no complaints” “Well I wouldn’t know, would I? Should I check the reviews on TripAdvisor?” “Don’t be smart”. “I’m not bein’ “smart”. That’s exactly what I’ve got to do, trust ya. I’ve got to trust that I’m not completely wasting my time here. That it isn’t the case that you love me but you’re just not “in love” with me.” The turn of phrase immediately caused him to sit up in bed. The atmosphere changing almost immediately. “Is this about Charlotte?” “No. It’s not about Charlotte, it’s about us.” “Then why are you digging up the past?” “I’m not!” “You are! I told you months ago that was one of the reasons why I broke up with her. You seriously think that’s how I feel about you just because we haven’t slept together yet!?” “I don’t know what to think John.” “Mother of Pearl! I tell you I love you. More than anyone I’ve ever known and you translate that to mean I love you like a mate but otherwise I’m not that fussed!? How about when we’re together? It’s not exactly as though there’s no passion there. I’ve got the bruises to prove it! In case you somehow missed it, I fancy you like mad!” “That’s the point!” “Oh, there’s a point to this? Thank Fuck!” “Now you’re just being a shit!” “Oh, I’m a shit now, am I!?” With that John got up and headed to the door, “Where are you goin’!?” “To wait for you to cool down and to be a shit in the comfort of my own home.” “Fine. Sod off then. All you ever do is avoid the issue.” “What bloody issue!?” “Why you don’t want to have sex with me?!” “I do want to have sex with you!” “So why do you keep fobbin’ me off?!” “TED2!”

 It hung in the air between them for several seconds. Kayleigh looked both confused and aghast and John looked mortified. After what felt like an eternity, the silence was interrupted by a knock at the door, followed by Mandy’s voice, unfamiliar and a strange combination of 1940’s telephonist and vaguely patronising flight attendant, “Eh, sorry to disturb but could I suggest lowering the volume slightly? If I could avoid the necessity for Sex Education with two primary schoolers over the Sunday roast that would be very much appreciated. Thank you.” As they heard her footsteps retreat back down the stairs, Kayleigh tentatively re-opened the conversation, “Ted 2? What the hell does he have to do with our sex life?” “You really fancied him.” Kayleigh was bewildered by this random statement of the blatantly obvious, “Eh, Yeah. I’m not sure you’d find a heterosexual woman with a pulse, who wouldn’t. I also really fancy Jake Gyllenhaal and Bradley Cooper and if I was ever going to reassess my sexuality, you know that Beyoncé would definitely get it.  I’ve got about as much chance with them John, as I do with Ted 2. It’s a fantasy. If I’d wanted to talk to him, unleash my inner cougar and probably make an absolute bloody fool of myself, I would have done it. I didn’t. That’s because sometimes it’s just nice to dream but know that dream will never be a reality. The truth is, you don’t really want it to be. Especially when reality is so much better. I’ve never had much luck when it comes to romance, you know that. I was beginning to think that it wasn’t going to happen for me. That happiness was something I’d always dream about but I’d never know. Then I put my name down for a bloody company car sharing scheme, checked the notice board and Cath Hilton had just helped me win the lottery of life. You came along. You. With all your quirks and imperfections, with all your wonderful and infuriating. You’re my dream come true John Redmond”. Despite himself, he felt teary. As was his habit, he desperately tried to pass it off, “If I’m your dream come true, you mustn’t have much of an imagination.” “Oh you’d be amazed.” She gave him a wicked grin and winked. Despite her reassurances though, John still looked subdued. “Let me tell you exactly what my dream always was. It was to meet a man who made me laugh until I cried. Who didn’t bore me to death. Who listened to my stories, treated me with respect and made me feel valued and special. Who didn’t just see me as some ditsy girl. Someone who was kind and made me feel safe. A man I could love so much it made my heart ache and who I knew loved me too. One that I could actually see myself building a life with. Throw in beautiful, twinkly blue eyes and the loveliest smile, a cuddle and a takeaway on a Sunday night and there it is. My idea of perfection.” “What about a six pack and a tight ass?” “What about them?” “Isn’t that what you want too?” “That’s what all this is about isn’t it? You feel self-conscious.” His sudden fascination with the bedroom carpet said it all. “John. Look at me.” Tentatively he looked up. “I feel nervous too. I keep thinkin’ about me muffin top and Cagney and Lacey aren’t quite the formidable crime fighting duo they once were.” John smiled, “Why do you think I started going to boot camp? I wanted you to see me at my best.” “You’re always at your best and you always will be. You’re the loveliest, most beautiful woman I’ve ever known and every day you’re more gorgeous than the next.” “See that? Right there? That’s better than any six pack and that’s why I love you. You’re not looking for me to change, or be something I’m not and never will be and I’m not looking for you to do that either. I’m not interested in some buffed up gym bunny. I don’t want Ted 2, I want John 1.” “Do ya, really?” She moved seductively towards him, “Yes I do. I Really, really, really do.” With that she kissed him. This time it felt so much less desperate and urgent and so much more relaxed, yet with an intensity that was overwhelming. Within minutes their hands were touching and exploring, with a renewed confidence and the lure of the tiny single bed was immense. 

 This time it was Kayleigh who called time on their passion. “John?” She gasped. “Hmm?” Came a distracted reply from the region of her neck. “Don’t hate me but I think we should stop.” He did, immediately but for a moment he didn’t move. Slowly he lifted his head. “You’ve got to be kidding me.” She began to panic at his frustrated expression, “I know. It’s just...” Suddenly, he broke into a reassuring smile, “Don’t worry. I’m just winding you up. I know what you mean. I don’t want our first time to be in your sister’s box room with walls like paper, a bed designed for a ten year old and the prospect of your niece and nephew walkin in on us at any moment. Not to mention your brother in law and my best mate just outside the window and your sister cookin a roast dinner in the kitchen downstairs. I mean, a little bit of distraction can sometimes be useful in these situations but there’s distraction and then there’s bloody off putting.” She whispered in his ear, “We’ll have our moment....soon. I promise”. “Too damn right we will! Do you have plans for next weekend?” “Nope, nothing in the diary.” “Well, how about when I pick you up on Friday morning, you bring some clothes and whatever other bits you need and stay with me for a few days? We’ll do whatever you want to do. Go out for dinner, or stay in and grab a takeaway, watch a DVD, or go to the cinema. Whatever you feel like you wanna do. No pressure. Just you and me....and if during that time Cagney and Lacey decide they want to let me help them with their inquiries, I’d definitely be up for that.” Kayleigh grinned, “Oh you’d be up for that would you?” John chuckled, “I absolutely would. Those two still know how to get their man and I can tell ya, I’d be more than happy to be detained at their pleasure.” Kayleigh laughed long and hard, “You’re such an idiot but I love ya to bits.” “Right back at ya gorgeous. I take it that’s a yes.” “Of course it is!” The heart shaped lamp on the windowsill suddenly caught John’s attention. “Still up there I see.” “Yep and it’s goin’ nowhere. I’m keepin’ that lamp always. Even when it doesn’t work anymore, it’s stayin’ with me.” “You really did like it eh?” “You don’t get it do ya? That’s when I knew.” “Knew what?” “That I loved you.” “When I bought you a plastic novelty lamp!?” “It wasn’t so much the lamp. It was what it meant. You could have bought me anything. A gift voucher, some flowers, or a bottle of Prosecco but you didn’t. You remembered something I said to you weeks before, in passing, about a heart shaped lamp that I liked and instead of forgetting about it, or just ignoring me, like most blokes would have done, you actually listened to me, you heard me and you cared. You held on to what I said and you chased it down to Preston and you bought it for me, just to make me happy.” By now they both had tears in their eyes. “And that is why that lamp is staying with me.” John instantly replied, “With us. It’s stayin’ with us. Forever.”

[twxlancelot-blog]

♞ only myself to blame `

( backdated ` just before camelot’s fall  tw: blood / death / drug use  / near death /self harm ) 

   his skin started to crawl. his knuckles bleed as he pounded his fist into the stone walls. he didn’t feel it. he didn’t feel the pain. he didn’t feel that his hand was broken. he didn’t feel any of it. the only thing he felt was the way his heart squeezed.

   he choked back a sob as he fell to his knees, his hand moving to his heart as he clenched it tightly. 

    the way they looked at him was buried so deep in his mind now. he lost control. the aggression that was pent up within his being overwhelmed him and he had to be dragged back from the prisoner. the look in arthur and guinevere’s eyes when he was pulled back. his eyes glanced back to look down at the pain. 

   lancelot felt sick at the sight. the man’s face was barely recognizable anymore. he hadn’t even realized what he had done. he looked down at his hands and saw how the blood covered it.

    he heard arthur’s voice, strong and authoritative, telling lancelot to go and clean himself up and to figure out what was wrong. it was a voice he followed without a second thought. one he respected and wanted to hear. he heard guinevere’s soft voice, calling his name and it was serene, like bells. he craved every time his name left her mouth.

   how two different voices brought such pain to his being more than the broke hand he now had.

   a hand pressed to his back and lancelot stood quickly, reaching out and grabbing the neck of the person. his fingers squeezed the neck of the hooded man. to this day, he still hadn’t seen the face. it was like there was voice under the burlap hood, yet, lancelot glared into depths. he felt the pulse under his hand.

   “what have you done to me?”

   there was a hearty, sinister laugh. it angered him more so he squeezed his hand. the man’s voice coughed, struggling a bit as lancelot pushed him back into the wall. a grey, old hand wrapped around his wrist. a jolt of electricity so strong shot through his body until he released the man.

   “now, dear knight, is that any way to treat a friend?”

   “you are not my friend. you are a swindler and that... liquid you have given me... it has changed me! it’s made me...”

    “stronger?” the man offered, his arms crossed, “faster? ah! dashing in the eyes of women and men a like?”

    “i almost killed a man!”

    “you’ve killed before,” the man yelled back.

     lancelot shut up for a moment, glaring, “they were criminals. they were against camelot. bandits and ruffians.”

    the man laughed once more, “and in their eyes, you are a barbarian with fancy chainmail. everyone is a criminal in your eyes if you let them be, dear knight.”

    he had no reply to that. he knew the truth. the man he executed in the name of camelot had caused far more harm then he had ever done. the old, hooded man can twist his words as artfully as he wanted, but that did not guilt lancelot. he was a knight of camelot. he had a duty to protect camelot.

    “that man was a criminal, was he not?” the man question.

    in all honesty, lancelot hadn’t been sure, but he had said disgrace words about guinevere. he had disrespected arthur. lancelot lost his thinking. he lost complete control of everything. he didn’t remember most of it. his vision had gone red and he... 

    he cringed remembering the man’s face and how bloody and bruised. he moved his hand to his mouth, his other hand moving to the wall. he felt sick.

   “i can make it all stop.”

    lancelot turned quickly, “i will not accept anything from you.”

   the man chuckled cooly, “do not be so hasty. what i offer you is far better than before. it is much more potent. you will become the knight that camelot needs. truly, the greatest knight that the worlds will ever know. your name will echo over the hills.”

   “i do not want fame,” lancelot threw back, “that means nothing to me. what i want-”

    “is your king and queen to love you as you love them? as a lover, not as a servant?” the man taunted. lancelot’s hands closed into fists. the man laughed once more, “but alas, that is not possible. they are married. two of a higher status than yourself. you are merely their servant. a king and queen could not degrade their kingdom with such an act as what you want. so i offer a solution.”

   the grey hand was held out to lancelot. instead of a blue liquid, one lancelot was often given, there was a bright red liquid. it seemed to glow. lancelot felt a strong energy radiate from it. he almost swore there was a soft hum, like a song. his was transfixed for a moment, his hand reaching for it.

   he quickly pulled his hand away when he heard the man laugh. he glared, “what is this?”

   “i like to call it... lyrium. it is a usually a crystal. it grows at the divide between this world and the next. what worlds you ask? i dare not speak of it, but, as a crystal, it is dangerous to touch, but as a liquid, it is similar to what i gave you before. it will make you stronger, quicker, but it has another added effect. it will curve your emotions. the aggression will be there, sadly, however, it will make you the perfect knight, almost devoid of emotions.”

    “devoid of emotions? who would want that for for their life?” lancelot requested, not liking the sound of it, “can’t you simply give me some... anti-love potion?”

    the man scoffed, “do i look like some pathetic witch, you ingrate? i am far more powerful than those wastes of a beings like that morgana... pathetic. no, this... this is what you need. this will crave not just your desire for your queen and king, but any desire. you could go days without food and water.”

    lancelot hesitated, his eyes looking at the liquid in fear and need. his body told him to take, but his heart begged him to leave. and yet his fingers still reached out, but the man closed his hand over the vial. lancelot eyed the hooded figure, “what do you request of me?”

   if lancelot could see the man’s face, he was certain there was a sinister smile on his face, “there will be a time in the future when i will demand you to do what i ask. when that day comes, you will serve me and my underlings. until that day, a vial of this liquid will be provided without charge. for each vial you drink, another demand will be asked of you.”

    lancelot scoffed this time, “as if i would ever serve you.”

    the man shrugged his shoulders, “so be it.”

    as the man turned, lancelot’s heard himself tell the man to stop.

    there was a quiet moment before the man turned, “i have one request.”

    the man nodded his head, “you wish for me to not harm your king and queen.”

    “or camelot.”

    he wasn’t sure why, but the way the man spoke of other worlds and how powerful he seemed to think of himself, lancelot feared not just for arthur or guinevere, but all of camelot. 

    the man held out the vial, “deal.”

    lancelot reached out for the vial. as soon as it was in his hands, the man was gone as if he never existed in the first place. he gripped the vial in his hands for a long moment before he pulled out the cork. he hesitated, wondering if he just offered his soul to the devil.

    “maker, forgive me,” he muttered before downing the vial.

   he wasn’t sure how long he had been asleep. hours, maybe days, but when he awoke, he knew he was no longer in the castle. he was standing on a hill miles from camelot, but it gave a view point to see the entire kingdom on fire.

   above it flew dragons. two from what he could tell. he was certain he saw a giant as well from where he was. who knew what else was tormenting the people of camelot.

    “what... have i done?”

    “you saved camelot,” the voice spoke.

     lancelot didn’t look to know it was the hooded man. tears poured down his face as he fell to his knees, watching helplessly as camelot fell. “how... how is this saving camelot?”

     the man sighed, “those who are worthy will be allowed to come to a new world. one i have provided graciously.”

     “y-you promised...”

     a hand reached out, resting against lancelot’s head, “but i kept my promise. i have not harmed your king or queen or camelot. however, you never said i couldn’t allow others to do it for me.”

   the knight moved quickly, throwing himself at the hooded man. the hood fell for a moment and for a second, lancelot thought he saw the face of an old man, but before lancelot could grip the man’s neck, he was gone, but a pain that lancelot had never felt shot through his body. every part of his body convulsed as he collapsed to the ground.

   after a few more moments, the pain subsided, but the throbbing remained. he had been stabbed and burned, but there was no pain like what he felt.

    “i forgot to mention. i enhanced the drug i offered you,” the man spoke, humor in his voice, “you are now under my control. you cannot harm me, physically or with words. you cannot speak of what you saw of my face. you will not be able to speak of what i have done for you or to camelot. by all means, try and clear your name, but who will believe the knight who disappeared and didn’t help camelot?”

   hands gripped lancelot’s hair, tugging him up roughly. he was forced to watch as camelot burned to the ground. “arthur... guin....,” he sobbed.

   the man leaned down, “oh, they are alive... i would not let them die. it would not be fun, otherwise.”

    he was released, his hands falling to the ground. he gripped the dirt tightly as he cried for his king and queen and his kingdom. his mother had told him this could happen. 

   “i will offer you some solace. if one day, both arthur and guinevere offering you forgiveness for what you have done, you will be free from me, but until then, you can betray me, lancelot.”

    the voice echoed in his head. he wasn’t sure how long he sat there, watching. he was there when the last flame was put out. 

   time stamp: fabletown - 1925

   he arrived in fabletown many many years ago. he was one of the first. a gift from the hooded man. however, lancelot disappeared. he was not seen. he hid away in the depths of the new world. when civilization started to grow, lancelot hid close enough. just in case. 

   when the hooded man came for him, lancelot was living in the sewers of what was now known as new york city. he was bum as far as anyone could tell. no one knew who he was. he had a long beard and his hair was covered in dirt and twigs. any sign of the knight was washed away in whatever he had slept in over those years.

   he was roaming the streets for food, going through the trash when the hooded man appeared before him for the first time since lancelot came to this new world.

    “how pathetic.”

    lancelot glared at the hooded man, “go away.”

    “ah, my dear knight, have you forgotten our deal? when i call on you, you will answer.”

   his whole body went rigid. with a sway of the grey hand, lancelot’s attire changed. he was now in a fine, tailored suit. his curly mane of hair was gone, turned into a stylish slicked back style. his beard was gone, leaving a clean shaven man. he was a handsome man again.

    the former knight sighed dejectedly, “what do you want from me?”

    “as of right now, i want you to live in fabletown. or outside of it. i want you to assimilate into their world. do not hide you are lancelot du lac either. i want them to look at you with disgust,” the hooded man laughed cheerfully, “i want you to suffer.”

     lancelot rolled his eyes, “that’s all?”

    “mm, when the real fun begins, you will know. now. go enjoy this new world. it is quite interesting actually. a gift to all of the fables,” the hooded man laughed before he disappeared.

     the laugh still lingered. lancelot sighed, his hands slipping into his pockets. his fingers pressed against a glass vial and his heart sunk. on occasion, a vial appeared before lancelot, but it had been such a long time. 

   he truly had signed his soul over to the devil.

[seraphimalune]

85 Questions Tag

Tagged by my lovie @milkynozomi​

The rules: Answer these 85 statements about yourself, then tag 20 people.

Last

1. Drink – Uh....uh....Mountain Dew? Right? Right.

2. Phone call – Mum.

3. Text message – ...I got a Target coupon. Lol.

4. Song you listened to –  The last one I remember listening to is Say Something by Justin Timberlake

5. Time you cried – Last month, I’d guess.

Ever

6. Dated someone twice? – Nah, boo.

7. Kissed someone and regretted it – No.

8. Been cheated on – Not that I’m aware of.

9. Lost someone special – Yes.

10. Been depressed – As a result of extreme anxiety, yes.

11. Gotten drunk and thrown up – Never even been drunk. ;)

Favourite colours

12. Purple

13. Silver

14. Blood Red

In the last year have you…

15. Made new friends – Yes

16. Fallen out of love – THAT, my dear, would require falling in love with someone, and my heart is a barren wasteland at the moment, lol.

17. Laughed until you cried – No

18. Found out someone was talking about you – I suppose, but I also knew they were like that, so it was more like “confirmed” that someone was talking about me.

19. Met someone who changed you – Yes

20. Found out who your friends are – Yes

21. Kissed someone on your Facebook friends list – No

General

22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know irl – All but three of them. Not a fan of adding people I’ve not met.

23. Do you have any pets – One very floofy, 17-year-old cat.

24. Do you want to change your name – Sort of? I don’t intend to go by my last name professionally. I also don’t intend to get rid of it, either, I just publicly go by a different last name for privacy purposes.

25. What did you do for your last birthday –  Went for a hike in the mountains :)

26. What time did you wake up today – 8-ish.

27. What were you doing at midnight last night – Feeding the aforementioned floofy cat, most like. She has an odd schedule and has to be fed constantly to keep from losing weight.

28. What is something you cant wait for – Summer travels. Hopefully seeing Oregon and/or Montana and northern California.

30. What are you listening to right now  – The air running from the furnace, lol.

31. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom – Uh. Had a professor with that name, once. A few classmates in high school, so: technically yes, but not for a long time.

32. Something that’s getting on your nerves – The fact that we’ve not had a refrigerator for two months because the repair company is incompetent.

33. Most visited website – Tumblr, FaceBook, YouTube, InstaGram, and WordPress.

34. Hair colour – Dark Brown

35. Long or short hair – Super short, atm. Just got it cut on Saturday.

36. Do you have a crush on someone - No...

37. What do you like about yourself? – The fact that when I say you can trust me, I mean it. Your secrets are safe with me. Period. (Unless you intend to hurt yourself and I need to tell someone else to stop it) Also the fact that I can do almost anything artistic well within a few weeks after learning it.  The fact that I’m able to be genuinely happy for people without being jealous (most of the time). I also like my sense of fashion. Generally, I also think I’m a genuinely kind person who is accepting of most things.

38. Want any piercings? – I’d like a couple more cartilage piercings, but I’m dead afraid that they’ll get infected (like my lobes did when I was a wee girl) and of going into a piercing parlor to get them done.

39. Blood type – I actually don’t know. But both of my parents are A-, so that’d be a good guess.

40. Nicknames – ... .... ...................my parents call me Puddin’. Shuddup.

41. Relationship status – Single

42. Zodiac – Taurus

43. Pronouns – She/Her

44. Favourite TV shows – The Nanny (omg Milky!!!) <3 <3 <3, Game of Thrones, Westworld, The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, um...there’s more, but I’m blanking atm.

45. Tattoos – Nah. I have a couple of skin conditions that makes them impossible for me. Otherwise my arms would be covered in roses by now.

46. Right or left handed – Right

47. Ever had surgery – Only wisdom teeth and a few stitches from that one time I face planted whilst ice skating.

48. Piercings – 2 earrings per ear.

49. Sports - Uh...weight...lifting? I guess? I don’t sports ball.

50. Vacation – Spent a couple days in Colorado Springs last January. I don’t do much till the summertime.

51. Trainers – Not...sure what this is asking.

More general

52. Eating – Last thing was a Caesar salad and an avocado BLT.

53. Drinking – Nothing atm. Might procure some Oolong shortly.

54. I’m about to watch – Something on YouTube, I’m sure.

55. Waiting for – My refrigerator to be fixed, dang it.

56. Want – A new job.

57. Get married – Sounds fake, but I’d like that.

58. Career – Book publisher, writer, editor.

Which is better

59. Hugs or kisses - ...kisses.

60. Lips or eyes - Eyes

61. Shorter or taller - Taller (but not by much, I like the shorter dudes, makes ‘em more kissable ;) )

62. Older or younger - Older. Younger is negotiable if within 2 years.

63. Nice arms or stomach - Stomach

64. Hookup or relationship - Relationship. I do not do hookups. Period. Fuck that. Or, rather, don’t.

65. Troublemaker or hesitant – Hesitant, 100%. If shit is going down, someone else started it and I’m just judging it from the sidelines.

Have you ever

66. Kissed a stranger – No.

67. Drank hard liquor – Yes, but not often.

68. Lost glasses – Can’t lose something you’re blind without, lol.

69. Turned someone down – Unfortunately.

70. Sex on first date – Hell no.

71. Broken someones heart – Unfortunately.

72. Had your heart broken – Shattered, yes.

73. Been arrested – No

74. Cried when someone died – Yes

75. Fallen for a friend – Who else am I supposed to fall for? ;)

Do you believe in

76. Yourself – Trying to.

77. Miracles – Yes...

78. Love at first sight – No. Lust, certainly. Hope, definitely. Yeah. Let’s go with hope.

79. Santa Claus – Yes, and my music teacher sat down the whole class in 2nd grade and told us he was fake. Fuck that teacher, still. Lol.

80. Kiss on a first date – Proooooobbbbably not. I’ve got a space bubble a mile wide. But, who knows. You might get lucky.

81. Angels – Sure.

Other

82. Best friend’s name – Do not, in fact, have one of those at the moment.

83. Eye colour – Brown, almost black. Though I’ve been told they’re orange in the sunlight.

84. Favourite movie – Howl’s Moving Castle, Beauty and the Beast, Phantom of the Opera, Pirates of the Caribbean...omg. Pride and Prejudice. Yes. That one.

85. Favourite actor – Um. Notttt a huge celebrity person...but, um, Brad Pitt is pretty cool. And, uh. Hugh Jackman is adorable. Uh. Yeah.

Tagging: @funkypoacher, @solas-the-dreamboat And anyone else who wants to do it. Don’t feel pressured if you don’t want to. 

[telrtot]

All bet

well fuck, you got me

1: name? taylor irl and lacey here cause its cuter2: gender? on the Girly side3: birthday? feburary 5th 20014: age? 165: zodiac sign? aquarius6: sexuality? bisexual with a Strong leaning towards girls7: hobbies? playing d&d and thinking too much about characters i make. i also play a lot of video games and cosplay sometimes8: aesthetic? the night sky, a swirl of purples and blues and shades of grey, bare shoulders, sunsets9: dream home? somewhere in the city, close enough to walk were i need to. rainy weather is prevalent and in a short while i can find myself in the woods.10: OTP? umm not any Main Ones right now but AraSol will always have a special place in my heart11: favorite band/music genre? indie folk and folk rock. ringlefinch is my favorite band but nobody has heard of em. gotye and hozier are also up there in my favorites.12: favorite songs? hell by ringlefinch ; beneath the brine by the family crest ; beekeeper by keaton henson ; heart's a mess by gotye ; third eye by florence and the machine (perfer the demo version tbh)13: do you have a favorite book? if so, what book? mmm, haven't read enough in the last year or so to really make a choice. i used to Love the hunger games books when i was 10 and read Catching Fire 4 times through...if that counts. gosh i need to read more.14: favorite food? chEese. especially in Queso and Fried forms15: favorite TV show? fullmetal alchemist: brotherhood16: favorite character? aradia megido will always be a love of mine. mercy from ow is also a fave of mine.17: favorite animal(s)? foxes, 'cause they remind me of me, and all avians ever, 'cause they are friends.18: favorite color? plum purple and mauve19: favorite beverage? diet dr pepper with cherry20: favorite holiday? new years because every year i watch (bad) anime over at one of my best friends house 21: relationship status? who knows tbh22: last text you've sent? "gotta say, im intrigued to see what you could come up with"23: last text you've received? "as am i"24: last person you told you loved? my mother when she came in to say good night25: last time you felt jealous, and why? probably like an hour ago cause i was looking at selfies of people with nice skin26: are you insecure about anything? my skin, my nose, and my weirdly shapen hips27: where do you want to be right now? 27: where do you want to be right now? playing d&d but alas....28: what are some habits of yours? i bite my nails hardcore, talk really fast when i get excited or nervous, forget to shut cabinets, chew straws, and bite hard candies because i have no self-control29: three turn ons? umm, hm. either sitting in someones lap or having someone sit in mine, nEcK BiTiNG, and when someone wearing plaid or a button up shirt rolls up their sleeves.....30: three turn offs? generally immaturity. if someone - even in a jokin manner - calls me a bitch (especially if its a guy sayin it) not cool not funny please stop talking to me. whEn people can't hold a conversation to save their life (like i might be bad at it but at least i am Tryin, ya feel?)31: do you have kik, skype, or any other social media? i do32: pet peeves? wHen people with a runny nose sniff really loudly and make gross sounds. also when people use their hands or just don't cover their mouths when they sneeze or cough33: what're you wearing? my pjs. why? what r u wearing bbby?34: career goals? medical examiner in the forensic field or someone that travels a lot35: are you a student? yep, in high school36: what country do you live in? america37: do you have any pets? a labradoodle named patrick and a schnauzer named max38: tattoos you have/want? oh boy, that would be its own post. i honestly want quite a few, all in black and white and generally for the Aesthetic39: piercings you have/want? i have regularly lobe piercings and a double helix in my left ear40: morning or night? night41: guilty pleasure band? ninja sex party42: guilty pleasure song? samurai abstinence part by ninja sex party...43: top 5 favorite memes? tag yourself memes ; Gun ; the firefly 'you would not believe you (blank)' one ; maybe the real friends.... ; and those strange animal pictures with Russian captions44: one band you don't get the hype for? i don't know how much hype she has now but i don't really enjoy halsey all that much45: one band you wish more people knew about? rinGLEFINCH46: do you practice any religion? not currently47: do you believe in any form of a God? i believe that there is a God, possibly many, but i cannot say that i believe any doctrine of god is correct48: what do you think happens after we die? i like the idea of reincarnation49: have you ever done alcohol or drugs? i haven't done anything but drugs i have been given by a Doctor and i drank alcohol before....with my parents permission50: what's the worst thing that's ever happened to you? not actually dying when i was born 51: what's the best thing that's ever happened to you? not dying when i was born?52: have you ever had a near death experience? my heart stopped beating when i was a baby, so yeah53: is there someone you can tell anything to? myself....?54: what's the most amount of notes you've ever gotten on a post, and what was the post? it was a fallout meme i made and it got like 200 notes i think (maybe the real shaun was the friends we made along the way)55: are you right or left handed? right handed56: Would you be in a relationship (platonic or otherwise) with the last person you texted? If it's a family member, the last person you aren't related to. we are friends, so yeah57: who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything? the gaggle of gurl and ungendered pals of have are p good listeners58: would you want to change anything about yourself? make me less of an asshole and actually use my good brain to do work59: what's the first thing you notice when meeting someone? how they react to different brands of humor60: have you ever been hurt by someone you trusted? Who? ex-best friend of mine, who outted me to my family when i was like 1061: have you ever hurt yourself? yeppers. middle school was a rough time for me62: do you believe in an afterlife? maybe63: do you believe in ghosts? sure do64: what should you be doing right now? finishing my garbage dotters spell list like I said i would65: are you pissed at anyone right now? not really66: do you believe everyone has a soulmate, platonic or otherwise? i do, or i at least think the idea is nice67: when is the last time you were scared to tell the truth? i ate my brothers skittles on accident and oh boy was that rough, also pawned it off on my dad68: when is the last time you screwed up something important? everyday my guy69: is there anyone you were close with and are not anymore? there are two that come to mind. one is the ex friend i mentioned before and the other is my actual ex.70: what's the last promise you made? i think i was not play a suicide game that is popular in texas right now? my mom made me promise not to do it cause she's paranoid and honestly i hadn't even heard about it until she brought it up. 71: what's your outlook on life? we are all on a rock floating through space at thousands of miles per hour72: have you ever loved someone who didn't return your feelings? oh boy howdy yes. 73: if you could change your eye color, what would it be? a shade of hazel-green so i look even more ginger74: Are you dating the last person you talked to? nope, i don't believe me and @neoxnocturne are dating. unless we are and he never sent the email confirmation for it, if that's the case then i need the tax report on my desk by monday (short version: just a pal)75: does anyone regularly (other than family) tell you they love you? yeah, me and my gay squad do it every time we are together tbh76: do you think someone has feelings for you? yep77: has anyone ever told you they never wanted to lose you? a few come to mind78: do you replay things that have happened in your head? all the time79: have you ever felt replaced? every day if i am being honest80: last person you cried in front of? my mother, about my Ex81: if your ex asked to date you again, would you? um. maybe. i honesty don't know. 82: if you died right now, what song would you want to play at your funeral? no mercy by the living tombstoNe83: would you ever be in a long distance relationship? have been in one before, so maybe.84: what can make you upset easily? when people refuse to listen 85: do you have a good relationship with your father? depends on the day86: do you have a good relationship with your mother? i like to think so, she's probably who i am closest to87: do you have a good relationship with your siblings? nope88: have you ever been hurt physically or mentally by a family member? yeah89: are your parents divorced? no, but i think if they had less kids they would be90: what do/did people say about you in school? im the jokester that goes hard in arguments91: what do/did you say about people in school? depends on the person?92: is any mental or physical illness hindering your life? adhd since i was little, general anxiety, depression, and the potential to further develope bipolarism 93: have you ever had to end a friendship or relationship? why? yeah cause shit happened94: are there things you wanted in your childhood but didn't get? a horse and to learn to ride horses95: have you ever kept a journal? i tried when i was little but also bought a new journal and started a new one so they never got far96: do you believe that birthmarks are scars from past lives? sure, i can get behind that97: if so, do you believe there is a story behind your birthmarks? dont have any98: do you look after yourself? not in the slightest99: do you put yourself or others first? i am a selfish kid who happens to care about select people. i tend to put others first more than i think i should, which is already not a lot.100: Ask your own question! No thanks.

[i-amusemyself]

All the stationary.

Ahhhh ty!!! I can’t tell if you wanna know that much bc you gaf or not though.....

Paranoia aside imma overshare either way!! *finger guns*

gel pen: when are you most comfortable?

I mean, I have anxiety so that just doesn’t happen much lmao! My first thought though was when I visit my favourite place, a little corner of a field with amazing views where I’m always on my own. I love it there.

ballpoint pen: tell me about the day you’ve just had

The day I’ve had was hell, so I’d rather relive yesterday.

Yesterday I woke up and binge watched supernatural; actually remembered to eat for once then was actually motivated enough to do revision. I got into hysterics over a tumblr post so quickly decided it was a day I should be avoiding hella emotional stuff....10 minutes later I was watching the last ever episode of prison break and sobbing uncontrollably at every word. In the afternoon I went out but not before losing my phone which was exactly where I left it. By that point though I was so late I had to speed walk at least 2 miles to the next village, where of course my friend arrived flanked by two pretty decent looking guys. I honestly looked like a tomato with water retention issues at that point so I’m sure that was a fabulous first impression. Then we got over to our revision session at the library early so went to the pub instead which was a dream; didn’t get any alcohol though because you can’t revise biology while hammered. Believe me. Then I stayed up late enough to get my ass whooped last night but it was so worth it because even though it turned into some sort of snapchat contest, I was laughing my ass off the whole time it was amazing. 

That enough of a day for you?fineliner: what’s your greatest achievement?

I used to train with the england basketball team, and I played for East Midlands. That was a pretty cool experience.highlighter: what are your best qualities?

Jfc, plural? Idk! I’m pretty motivated? And I always make an effort to tell the truth (if its good, otherwise I keep my mouth shut).

greylead: what is something you want to try for the first time?

Being attractive. Being loved. Need I go on? Oh and also giant zip-lining.felt-tip: describe your aesthetic

My bedroom looks like an ikea showroom lmfaooo so whatever that is. Weird architecture and cacti and random objects in neat little storage places.

But equally like, overgrown graveyards mixed with roses and anything black. Depends on my mood.crayon: your earliest childhood memory

Treading on a bee and having to have the sting removed from my foot lmao

scrapbook: something from your childhood that makes you smile

............um??

Okay there was this one time we found an old camera in the loft. I must’ve been 3 since my dad was still there. Anyway we all went out in the garden and it was such a normal little family thing, but it’s the only time I ever remember that happening. It’s got my parents waving and looking happy and me sticking my head out from inside a little wendy house grinning and it’s so cute. It’s the sort of thing I wish I’d had more of.

sketching pad: describe yourself from a stranger’s point of view

A lanky thing approaches. It has a stereotypical lesbian haircut, bad eyesight and appears to have given up on all things fashionable. It’s shy and awkward, so makes you feel extremely uncomfortable too. It appears to be reasonably friendly, but occasionally says things that don’t make a single bit of sense before desperately looking around the room looking for more small talk inspiration. You’re overall impression is it’s a pretty boring human being, probably totally harmless, but would be incredibly easy to replace.notebook: what’s your favourite quote?

I have a couple of little quotes I remind myself of on a daily basis, ranging from song lyrics; “darling you’ll be okay” and “the sun will rise and we will try again” to “pick your fights” and “you gotta give a bit of yourself to get something in return”. I kinda live my life by those.paper: what kind of book would you write?

I have absolutely no idea! I can’t see myself ever having the motivation to write a book.stapler: out of all the people you know, who do you think you are closest to?

My best friend @only-slightly-dangerous who literally knows me so well it’s scary! She can literally message me out of knowhere and know from 3000 miles away if I’m in pain.glue stick: what do you look for in a lasting relationship/friendship?

I can’t be dealing with people that lie or are fake or whatever. So definitely honesty. Also people just being themselves and not being afraid to be weird or whatever, because that’s when I relax a bit lmao! I guess a decent sense of humor too? And someone that doesn’t mind you asking questions or whatever. Idk. Sometimes you just click with people without being about to put it down to a specific characteristic.tape: tell me about your longest friendship

It wasn’t very long. 

I mean I had “friendships” through all of primary school but that doesn’t really feel like it counts. Secondary school? The first girl I made friends with and was really close to for 5 years is now like,,, someone I honestly can’t even stand to hear about soooruler: what line will you never cross?

I could never cheat. eraser: what do you consider to be your biggest mistake?

I’m not sure. Maybe not standing up for myself more at school and at home. There have been occasions where it would have been totally reasonable but I just shut up and let shit happen so I’ve spent a lot of time beating myself up about that stuff.

Also, and I know I shouldn’t but, I still spend a lot of time thinking about a boy at our school who killed himself and I never knew him but I still wonder if I could have done anything.scissors: ever had a bad break-up?

Nothing hella nasty but I don’t really talk to any of my ex’s at all.calculator: list fifteen things that make you happy

Lmaooo I’ll do my best!! Okay so music; concerts; friends; seeing other people laughing; making people laugh; stand up comedy; hella good art; hearing people tell stories; sitting and listening in the middle of knowhere; thunderstorms; exploring; helping people; good food; the sound of rain on the roof; cuddling and tumblr.protractor: an unpopular opinion/angle you have on an issue

Pinapple is good on pizza.sticky note: something about yourself you’d like to change

I feel like I have no personality so like,,,I wish that could be better. I wish I was pretty. Or attractive or whatever. Oh and I wish I could sing those hella high notes because I feel sorry for the neighbours atm.stamp: a date that’s special for you and why

25th March because that’s the day my life changed just enough for me to carry on.bookmark: a book that means a lot to you and why

I always just say Numbers, but honestly it was the first ever book I cried at and I feel like it helped me understand the world a little more.folder: describe your family

How long do you have? I mean, it’s quite a small family but I’m not that close to any of them. Most of them are just pretty conservative living in little nuclear families. I didn’t used to get on too well with my dad but we’ve got a lot closer. I still don’t get on with my mum very well though bc she’s abusive. welp. whiteboard: tell me your plans for tomorrow

I’m gonna die a slow, painful death by revision and then recover when I go to my dad’s and walk Borris.blackboard: tell me about a memory that has affected who you are today

All those memories are locked away in a place I can’t get to and I think it’s best to keep it that way for now.

A low key one is probably when a friend once told me nobody cared about me or what I had to say and I’ve basically been mute in most social situations since XDpinboard: what are you focusing on in your life right now?

Exams. A level exams. Just one more month and I’m freeeee!!!tablet: tell me your plans for the future

Start a fresh life at uni and get this degree. Then who knows? I’ll probably go and get another degree and I’m pretty sure I’ll end up doing medicine.stencil: who are your role models?

I don’t have very many. Kaitlyn Alexander for sure, because they really helped me understand who I am and start to accept it. Also Luke Cutforth because I love his YouTube channel but also a lot of things he’s done related to mental health have been helpful and I relate a lot.envelope: tell me a secret

I’m going to my end of year prom in a shirt and tie and I haven’t told anyone yet and I’m scared shitless. I’m still gonna do it though!!

[kayincolwyn]

Grief, Death, and Life After This (reflection, 9-16-2017)

Earlier today I went with my aunt Angie, the youngest daughter of my grandpa, Allan Tompkins, who passed away in March of this year, to his grave site at Willamette National Cemetery here in Oregon where he is buried. It was the first time in my life that I have ever visited the grave site of someone that I really knew and loved while they were alive, so it was a strange and somewhat surreal experience for me. I was talking with a friend yesterday who, when I mentioned my plans to go to the cemetery today, wondered what the significance of grave sites are when people (as she believes) are souls and not bodies so when they die they aren’t tied to the place where they are buried, and I told her that I believe some people feel that a grave site is like a focal point for them, or even a place where they can feel the presence of their loved one more strongly, even if they may believe that their loved one is with them in spirit all the time and everywhere. I said, just to use an analogy, that it is like how some people who believe in God may feel closer to God when they are in a church, even if they may believe that God is with them all the time and everywhere. Perhaps a grave site can be like a ‘thin place’ (as it is known in Celtic culture) for some, where the wall between our dimension and whatever dimension they may be in now isn’t quite as thick or impenetrable as it would otherwise be. Perhaps this sense is only in our minds and is purely subjective, but whatever the case it is meaningful for some, being at the place where their loved one has been buried.

My aunt Angie, who is a very emotional person (and to her own admission) broke down in tears, and I put my hand on her back as she knelt there weeping and tried to comfort her as best I could, and I said it was okay, and I said that because it was, as there is no shame at all in deeply loving someone and showing that love, especially when the person you love have been taken away from you, away from this physical world in which we live, and their absence feels like a wound in your heart. I didn’t cry then because like my mom I am not someone who cries very much. Tears come when I am deeply moved by something, like something that really strikes a chord with me, like something I read in a book or a scene in a movie or something I hear in a song, or when something happens in my life that touches me at the core, and tears often come to me unbidden, and there isn’t much rhyme or reason to it. More often than not when I am sad I am just quiet, pensive, somber, which, mixed with some awkwardness at having a new experience, is how I felt while being at Allan’s grave site today. Angie let me have a couple minutes by myself at his grave site, and I will admit that it felt kind of weird at first, though it was ultimately meaningful for me. I wondered if Allan can now see me or watch over me in my day to day life, or can even read my thoughts, and I wondered what he would think of me seeing all of the things that I’m not particularly proud of in my life or in my mind, but there was this sense that I wasn’t judged for any of that, that I was still loved and accepted no matter what. I said something like ‘I don’t know if you’re here watching me and listening or where you are now, but I hope that you’re okay, and thank you for being a part of my life’ and the wind picked up a little when I said this, which may or may not have meant anything, and I touched his grave stone and got up and left. While I’m not sure whether I can say that I felt any closer to him there, experiencing that was meaningful, both in how it helped me to connect more with my aunt in our shared love for this ‘unforgettable man’ (which is written on his grave stone) and also just being able to share from my heart in the hopes that I could be heard somehow. Grief, thus far, has been a mostly quiet and, admittedly, relatively painless experience for me, mostly some combination of numbness and somber reflection and a few tears in private moments, probably in part just because of how I’m wired, but I realize that for some it can be a tumultuous and deeply painful experience. Whatever the experience may be like for you or for me whenever we lose someone, I think it’s okay, and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Whether we cry or don’t cry, whether we rage or don’t rage, whether it hits us like a ton of bricks or it just makes us feel numb, it’s okay, and it’s human. I remember the Christian author Rob Bell saying something like this in one of his NOOMA videos, a video entitled Matthew, where he talks about grief, and where he talks about the death of a young friend named Matthew and how that impacted him, and that was one of the things that stuck with me, that whatever you’re feeling, it’s okay.

(If you are interested in checking out that video, you can watch it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K0P0VKgSv80) When someone that we love and had a real connection with dies, it’s like there’s a piece of our life and our heart that’s now missing, or as Rob Bell put it in the video, it’s like there’s this hole where they once were, and I think at least in some way grief is like a pain we feel from that hole, that wound, inside of us, and however we feel that pain in us or how we express it is nothing to be ashamed of, because where there is love there is always going to be pain or the potential of pain and love is nothing to be ashamed of.

And does that love, that connection of love, continue beyond death? After someone dies does that love then become only one sided, on the side of the one who is still living, while the one who is dead is now simply gone? I can’t say for sure, but I do hope so. One of my favorite quotes is from the TV film Miss Rose White, a powerful film about two sisters, Rose and Lusia, one who moved to America with their father before the Holocaust, and one who got stuck in Germany with their mother during the Holocaust and was sent to a concentration camp, where their mother died but she survived, and Lusia comes home to stay with them, and while obviously Lusia experienced far more suffering personally than her sister Rose ever did in America, the one thing that she had that her sister never really had was the chance to really know and have a connection with their mother, which is a pain that Rose deeply feels even though she hasn’t talked about it with anyone until she opens up about it to Lusia, and when Lusia sees and recognizes this pain in her sister she gives Rose a letter that her mother had left for her, with a lock of her hair enclosed, where she tells her daughter how much she loves her, and how much having to let her go broke her heart, and this letter speaks to that pain she has felt for many years in a healing way, and then as Rose breaks down in tears of both sorrow and joy, her sister Lusia holds her and says to her: ‘You see? Love does not die, and time cannot kill it, nor even many miles, nor even death.’ This really spoke to me, and speaks to me still, when I think of those connections that we have with those we love and who love us.

Setting pure sentimentality aside, we all know that love between people can be a complicated thing, which the film Miss Rose White shows (and in a Hallmark film ironically enough), because even when there is real love between people we can still hurt eachother and can let eachother down, and our love for one another is often imperfect and of course human, but it is no less real or valid for that I think, and this love, imperfect and human though it may be, may still have the power to transcend time and space and even death, so those connections between us remain regardless of time or distance or even when the veil between life and death separates us. Death, as we all know, is a terrible thing, something tragic and heartbreaking, or at least it is when we have lost someone that we had a real connection with, and especially when it comes sooner than we expected or in a way that is more painful than we imagined or hoped it would be. We all hope that those we love will live a long life and when they go they will go in peace and surrounded by loves ones. Sometimes this happens, and sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes people die young, or die in horrific ways, or die alone, and there is nothing much that can be done about it. These things happen, and those who face such loss, a loss that can’t be dampened in any way by the knowledge that they lived a long and full life or that they died in peace or that they died with someone that loved them holding their hand, have to cope with it as best they can, and of course that is far from simple or easy, and each person facing that has to face it in their own way. But however someone we love may die, we will feel that loss to one extent or another, and many of us will be left wondering why death must be a part of life, why mortality is something that has to be faced, and whether that is the end of everything or if there is something more beyond this, and we wonder what their fate may be and what our fate may be and if we will ever see eachother again.

Recently I finished reading the book The Lovely Bones, by Alice Sebold, after watching the film adaptation a couple of weeks ago. I liked the film, though I found that the book was better, as in the film they made many changes and it was a very abbreviated and simplified version of the story without quite as much richness and depth to it as the book. Anyways, The Lovely Bones (for those who don’t know the story or haven’t read it themselves) is from the perspective of a teenage girl named Susie Salmon who was murdered by a serial killer, George Harvey, and it is the story of how she watches over her family (as well as her killer) trying, at first, to let her family know who killed her so they can bring him to justice, but then in time focusing more on the healing of her family. She watches (from her ‘heaven’, a kind of self made paradise similar to what was shown in the film What Dreams May Come, which The Lovely Bones reminded me of a bit in some ways) as her family and friends and those who knew her grieve for her and how they all handle their grief differently, like her father who obsesses about finding out who killed her and avenging her until he finds some kind of acceptance, or her mother who implodes and begins to have an affair and then runs away from home for years until she too eventually finds some kind of acceptance, or her sister and her brother and how they both have to learn to live in a world without their sister, or a boy, named Ray, that she loved and had her first and only kiss with in high school, or an odd girl, Ruth, who has some psychic ability and who felt Susie’s spirit passing by on the night she was murdered, and how they connect through their shared connection with Susie, or even George Harvey and his struggles with the monster inside of him, both wanting to bury it and wanting to feed it, and she watches for years as time goes on and her family and friends and her killer all continue on with their lives while she is gone. At the end (while George Harvey was never caught he does years later face some kind of karmic justice when in the process of trying to lure another girl he accidentally stumbles and falls off of a cliff to his death) her family eventually comes back together (after her father has a heart attack which drives his wife to return home after eight years and reconnect with him and her family) and she sees all the things that happened that may not have happened and she sees all of the changes in people and in their relationships that may not have happened if she hadn’t have died, and some of them good, like beauty from ashes, and she can see ‘the lovely bones’ that are built around her loss, which may not justify her death or make it a good thing, but it brings her comfort and joy knowing that those who loved her are going to be okay, and this helps her to let go and begin to pull away from her life on earth, perhaps as she prepares to move on to something else beyond or greater than her own heaven... Reading The Lovely Bones made me think about the potential nature of life after death. Would life after this be like it is portrayed in The Lovely Bones or What Dreams May Come, where our own consciousness in large part creates the world that we inhabit after we leave this one, or would it be a world that is created for us by some higher power (which is oddly never mentioned in The Lovely Bones, though that doesn’t necessarily mean that no such power exists, although perhaps the author doesn’t believe in God while she may believe in an afterlife, which is sometimes the case, and being somewhat agnostic myself I am not completely opposed to that idea, even while I do lean in the direction of believing in God or a higher power)? Do we all, or do just some of us, wander about as spirits on earth forever, or do we all, or do just some of us, eventually move on to something else whenever we’re ready? Are we reincarnated, and if so would that be something that we choose or is it chosen for us, and how would that be decided? And is there an end point to reincarnation, and if so what is it? Do those who die children grow up in the next world or do those who die when they are old find their youth again? Do we become part of the energy of the earth or the universe or God and lose ourselves or do we maintain our individuality somehow? Is there a heaven and a hell as is traditionally believed by many people, and if so are there doors in and out of these realms, or are there many realms, and doors in and out of these? As I have written elsewhere, I am opposed to certain ways of looking at life after death not because I am sure that those things can’t be true, because I honestly don’t know for sure what is true or not about what happens after death if anything because I haven’t crossed the veil myself yet, but because those ways don’t seem right or just to me. I oppose any way of looking at life after death that leaves out second chances or hope, that offers no path to healing or redemption for whoever needs it, including even the worst of people, like Susie’s killer George Harvey. I am a universalist, as I have said elsewhere, meaning I believe, or at least hope, that every soul, and regardless of how broken or twisted they may have been in life, will eventually find peace, and in the end all will be well. This may not be a certainty I possess, as, like I said above, when it comes to life after death I’m not certain of anything, but it is something that I choose to believe or hope for because I believe and feel that it is right and it makes sense to both my head and my heart.

I realize that many would disagree with me on this, including people that I love and who love me, and I can sympathize with the widespread belief and feeling that some people are so terrible and so horrible that they should be thrown away or punished forever (as is believed by many within the Christian and Muslim faiths as well as in other faiths) like people who murder children like George Harvey, because the things people like that do really are terrible and horrible, but I just don’t believe and feel that it is right or just as I believe that every soul, and no matter how damaged they may be, has value and worth, and healing and redeeming a broken and twisted soul and reconciling them with those they have wronged makes much more sense to me than just getting rid of them or torturing them endlessly which accomplishes nothing at all, while healing and redeeming them and reconciling them with those they have wronged could bring even more joy than there would otherwise be... To me throwing a soul away or punishing them forever is, simply put, a waste. And if there is a God, who many think of as love and who would define as love, then if we, being imperfect and human, cannot love those who seem utterly unlovable because of their terrible and horrible actions, does that mean that God, who created these people, cannot, or if we, being imperfect and human, cannot change them even if we wanted to, cannot heal them or redeem even if we wanted to, does that mean that God, who created these people, cannot? And if God can do what we cannot do, what makes us think that God, being love, unconditional love, will not? Perhaps I am mad for believing that all of us, even the worst of the worst, can find healing and redemption, and again I realize that for various reasons, because of different beliefs or experiences in life or ways of looking at things, that many would disagree with me on this, but this is what I believe (or at least it is what I hope for) and this is how I feel about this and I would hope that we can at least agree to disagree, and perhaps find common ground in other areas or other ways. But even if I may hold to this hope, that all will be well in the end for all of us, still I am not sure at all really of how that would come about, or have much idea on the details or particulars or general makeup of life after death, if there is indeed life after death. Recently our close family friend Bryan passed away (whom I wrote about here in my last post) and he had talked about how he would try to give signs to family and friends after his death, signs that he was still around. My sister has been having dreams about Bryan where he was trying to talk to her and get her attention, and my mom has said that she has felt touches on her shoulder in a way that Bryan would sometimes touch her and when she turned around no one was there, and his family has had a few odd things happen since his passing (though nothing overtly paranormal or spiritual), but I’m not sure if this is Bryan or if it’s just all in our heads. Like was that wind that picked up while I was talking to Allan, or hoped that I was talking to Allan, at his grave site, some kind of sign, or was it just wind? I don’t know, I mean I wish I did, but I honestly don’t. I guess, like with so many things in life I can only hope. But while I don’t know what may or may not come after death, or what the dead are like or what form they have if any or what they can and can’t do or what kind of connection we can have or can’t have with them while we are here, or what it would be like to be dead myself, or any of those things, I do know that whatever the case may be that I have to, and we all have to, deal with grief and the cost of pain that is found in loving and connecting with someone, and I know that I have to, and we all have to, deal with death, with the tragedy or even the horror of it, and whether that may be the death of someone we love or our own death. And yet I also know that around loss there can grow ‘lovely bones’, like how losing my grandpa Allan opened the way to connecting with his family. I think of how Angie and others in his family welcomed me and embraced me at his memorial service, and how after reading what I had written for Allan and had shared here at his memorial service people came up to me afterwards and thanked me for sharing it and telling me how much it meant to them, and I think of how my mom came to pick me up and, a little hesitantly and awkwardly at first, met her siblings for the first time, and how it went better than I thought it would, and it filled me with joy to see her connecting with her siblings and finding that they accepted her as a sister, as they accepted me as a nephew. I think of having lunch with my aunt Angie today (seeing her for the second time in person) and enjoying some conversation and I think of how we connected at Allan’s grave site, sharing grief and love for this man who impacted both of us in ways that we can’t forget. I think of how Angie met my sister, Harmony, her niece, for the first time today after she dropped me off, as well as meeting my wife Kaylyn and my sister’s husband Nick, and I think of how my mom shared family photos with her and there was laughter and connection and even some healing I think, and I believe this was a lovely thing that came to be is at least in part because of my grandpa’s death, which of course, as in The Lovely Bones, doesn’t make my grandpa’s death a good thing, or at least not for those of us who mourn him and miss him, but it does bring me some comfort and joy, and I would imagine, or hope, if Allan is watching over us somehow, somewhere, that it would bring him some comfort and joy as well, knowing that something good has come from all of this. I think in some sense this is life after death, our lives after the deaths of those we love, the ‘lovely bones’ that can be built from the broken pieces of our lives or our hearts in the face of grief and loss, and while healing is of course no easy thing to find, and as Angie said to me today grief can be a deep well, and those holes or those wounds inside of us may remain as long as we live, still that doesn’t have to mean that healing can never be found, or that the well of grief is bottomless, or that those holes within us can’t somehow be filled or those wounds within us can’t somehow be mended, someday. But of course there is no guarantee of any of that in this life, and the pain of grief and loss will always remain, and even if it may get a littler easier overtime to cope with it or live with it, like a phantom in the background, the phantom of that person’s absence from our lives, it is never easy, and that is why I and so many of us who remain here in this world can’t help but hold out hope that death, as tragic and horrific as it may be, is not just an ending but is also a new beginning, and that when our own time comes to cross the veil, whatever, or whoever, we have lost will be found again. J.R.R. Tolkien, the author of The Lord Of The Rings, once wrote of what he called a ‘eucatastrophe’, which is like the opposite of a catastrophe, where something beautiful and wonderful unexpectedly happens, like Sauron being defeated and Middle-Earth being restored. He wrote: “The consolation of fairy-stories, the joy of the happy ending; or more correctly of the good catastrophe, the sudden joyous "turn" (for there is no true end to any fairy-tale): this joy, which is one of the things which fairy-stories can produce supremely well, is not essentially "escapist," nor "fugitive." In its fairy-tale -- or otherworld -- setting, it is a sudden and miraculous grace: never to be counted on to recur. It does not deny the existence of dyscatastrophe, of sorrow and failure: the possibility of these is necessary to the joy of deliverance; it denies (in the face of much evidence, if you will) universal final defeat and in so far is evangelium, giving a fleeting glimpse of Joy, Joy beyond the walls of the world, poignant as grief.”     It is the hope of joy, joy beyond the walls of the world, this world in which we live or try to live now without those we loved who are no longer in this world with us (at least not that we can always see or tell) that we hold to, a joy that will answer our grief and wash it away as we find what or who we lost again and all is well. But until that day, let us try to keep building lovely bones around our loss in honor of those we’ve lost, while we wait on the shore of this earth for our turn to set sail to whatever lands those who go before us have gone to, and whenever we grieve let us also hope, always hope.