#mika has become homophobic

[conarcoin]

[bengiyo]

Don't Care for an Old Man's Underwear Ep 10 Stray Thoughts

This watch made possible thanks to @isaksbestpillow.

Last time, Hasegawa had the baseball team talk to Kakeru about why he felt uncomfortable with them. Over a series of conversations, the guys came to a better understanding about how their behavior made others uncomfortable, and realized that sometimes those behaviors make them uncomfortable too. On top of that, we got to see the baseball team mingle with Kakeru's girl friends. Elsewhere, Moe asked Makoto to go with Mika to the concert. Mika shared with Makoto that when she was in a dark place, RANDOM gave her something fun as a mental break and helped her make it through. Makoto listened closely and came to the fantastic analysis that RANDOM is the Okita family's benefactor. He had a great time at the concert with Mika, let her hang out with her fellow fans after the concert, did some research on his new bias, and then finally shared his research with Mika. They had a fantastic night, and met their kids on the way home. They invited Daichi and Madoka to hang out with them, and then Madoka proposed to Daichi in front of the Okita family. They later went to tell Daichi's mom and it was beautiful. I cried. We left at the family waiting to hear from Madoka, who went home to tell his family.

Oh no. Mihoko is definitely talking to Daichi's dad.

The costuming here feels intentional. Daichi and Makoto have come so far together that it feels like they're on the same page with their clothes looking so similar in color scheme.

Also, Makoto has become such a better listener. He can respond in compassionate ways to Daichi now that is supported by the earnestness he's always had.

I just love how thoughtful Makoto has become.

Kakeru looks so much more relaxed these days. He's having big youth moments.

Aw, Makoto was trying on the makeup trivia, and they dunked on my man.

Madoka succeeded!!! 🎉

Is Daichi's dad back to be homophobic? Sir, do you realize you are in the penultimate episode of the improving yourself and unlearning toxic masculinity show?

I am mad. I like Makoto slowing down to think about how best to support Daichi here.

I am with the makeup rival that they may be unintentionally encouraging Shizuka to change herself for her romantic interests.

Sir, your intellectualized homophobia is not cute.

I remain a fan of Haranishi.

Mika is such a good mom. I love the way she listens to Kakeru and gets him to the emotional core of his feelings. I also like that she doesn't disguise that some things aren't easy.

I will never forget Daichi. It's so rare that the characters can tell you how their own internalized homophobia cripples them in front of their relatives.

Yes, Kakeru! Tell him to meddle!

Well well well, Kakeru, look at you taking your own advice.

Wow, this man has gone too far. Do not talk to someone else's kid this way.

Yes, Makoto. Please go kick this man's ass.

This is such a difficult episode. There really is nothing you can say to someone to remove the infection of internalized homophobia. It's so upsetting because we learn shame at home. That's what this man put into his son. He is so rude, and I need him to have his ass handed to him pronto.

This was such a great episode reflecting on where we all fit into the society. I keep thinking about the scene about the colleague of theirs who got downsized. We contort ourselves to fit in only to be discarded when we're no longer useful, and then we lose our spouses.

I'm looking forward to the conclusion of this show, but I know I will miss it so dearly.

[formulinos]

@topnotchquark mccanned didn’t answer you yet but i can!

Michael Schumacher is, as commonly well known, the best f1 driver that there has ever been and that there will ever be. amongst the reasons for it was the fact my guy would do quali laps during races because might as well and everything he did in hid personal/training time was with the goal of being as physically fit for racing as possible (to the point he tried to replicate his body’s responses during races while working out. because might as well.)

this is all to say that you do not win 7 wdc by sheer luck, it takes going to the next level. so as a treat, he would scheme. he would plot. he would lie. and he would bamboozle. some of it was through more direct action like whenever he tried to crash his car into his rivals’ to win a championship (worked w damon hill, it didn’t work with villeneuve bc people were homophobic - michael is part of the lgbt+ community since he is texassexual). but often he’d just focus on the little things, like working out in high intensities in front of drivers to make them feel bad about themselves or whatever nico’s claims were.

his main modus operandi however was usually running his mouth to the press according to his own personal narrative. for instance, when mclaren were doing good in the early 00s, coming off two wdcs with mika häkkinen, he needed to get someone there riled up so they would eventually fuck up. he couldn’t do that straight to häkkinen though, not only because he respected him but because mika was at the time equal to him in championships so ppl knew they were close in talent and above average overall. luckily, mclaren’s second driver was david coulthard, who was mid but thought he was capable of beating both mika and michael. well, when ppl asked ANYTHING about david to schumi he’d straight go like “the guy who thinks can wipe the floor with me and my beloved mika? HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAA-“ and then ignore the rest of the question. this was totally personal as david took part in the aforementioned homophobic takedown of michael in 1997 but also overall david was just mid and sometimes you have to bully someone to deflate their ego a lil bit. so david would get mad regularly and anger would lead him to be carelesd while driving and he would bottle it. BUT ALSO even ron dennis (mclaren main boss at the time) would get mad and go to the media like “sshjuuuut upppp,.,,., david totally csn win the cuampionshippp i csn’t belive you michel!!!!!!!”. mika would just smile and agree w michael bc he too knew david was mid.

but michael wouldn’t just take people down. sometimes, he would raise them up just for the imposter syndrome of it all. like in 2004, a season where evidently ferrari had as a car the F-TITBLASTER9000 and michael would easily clean the house, he would often say that BAR Honda (who in all fairness were in a great phase) were gonna catch up to them and eventually win a race later in the year. to which jenson button legit had to respond like “mate you know this is my first year taking this sport seriously and the other driver on the team is literally takuma sato. we’re not winning shit this championship and you know it”. and yes he did. BAR ended second but they never won a single race.

he even tried to run his mouth on ayrton senna after a on-track dispute saying that it wasn’t a “behaviour fit for a WC”. but he was just a rookie while senna was an expert on the game, so he went there and gave michael a tell-off in front of every single camera on the paddock, live (you can check on youtube, too lazy for links today sorry!). michael learned from it and perfected the art of media shit talking. he is missed everyday as the closest we get to michael antics is helmut marko’s wild claims and they’re not half as entertaining.

anyway this is what i remembered there are probably more examples. welcome to f1, hope you enjoy the sport! your new missions as a newbie is to become part of the tifosi and try to soak some more of the history of formula 1 overall bc it will help you detect who is talking shit around the fandom! if you like some weird stories, consider my pinned essays :)

[noperopesaredope]

My Dumb New BNHA OC (Part 2)

(Read part 1 before reading this. This post will make no god damn sense otherwise)

I took one of my favorite fan OCs and paired him together with one of my least favorite characters in BNHA.

Usually, people ship their OCs with a character they like, or a side character who they don’t hate. Usually, people’s OCs hate Mineta. But Kaito, my nicest, most lovely OC, decided to get with Mineta of all people.

I mainly did it as a funny joke. At some point in time, I discovered the “Mineta Redemption” tag on AO3 and thought it was interesting. I read some of the fics, and they were pretty good. A few years before that, I accidentally read a fic with “Homophobic Mineta”, and despite loathing him at the time, I felt annoyed with it. It felt weirdly OOC. 

In my brain, Mineta wouldn’t be straight up homophobic. At most, he’d be mildly confused and uncomfortable at most. He might also be a little creepy around lesbians. But he didn’t seem like the type to call someone a slur or use hate speech. He would just be kinda ignorant. In fact, rewatching clips of him, I think he might be pretty supportive if one of his guy friends came out to him. He does have positive moments in canon, it’s just overshadowed by creepiness.

Then I found the “Bi Mineta” tag, and that changed the fucking game. Imagine Mineta straight up not knowing what gay people are, and then he learns and slowly realizes that he might like guys. He’s just in denial. Or even Mineta having extreme internalized homophobia. It sounded great.

Originally, some drafts of Kaito were going to have him be extremely charismatic and able to attract all sorts of people. He’s kinda like Alejandro from TD but with a different personality. At some point, I randomly thought to myself: “wouldn’t it be funny if Mineta of all people ended up crushing on Kaito and was confused as hell about it?” Then I thought, “oh god, wouldn’t it be even more hilarious if this sweet, low key perfect guy who could get with anyone he wanted ended up crushing on MINETA of all people?”

And thus, a ship was born. Kaito has changed and evolved overtime, but for the most part, he has remained Mineta’s love interest. It was supposed to be a joke, an ironic ship for shits and giggles. But once you start shipping something “ironically,” eventually you’re gonna end up shipping it unironically.

They first meet at an empty bus stop, where Mineta is waiting for the bus (for some reason). Kaito runs up to the bus stop and ends up standing next to him. Kaito mistakes Mineta for a kid and asks where Mineta’s parents are. Mineta tells him that he’s 16, and Kaito immediately becomes apologetic and rambles awkwardly for a minute before shutting up. Then, he kinda recognizes Mineta (though not fully) and asks if he goes to UA. Turns out, Kaito also goes to UA, but just the Support Course (you know, with Mai). He also just so happens to be the twin brother of one of Mineta’s classmates, Mika (another OC of mine who is important to this story). They talk for a few minutes and introduce themselves.

Then, Mineta notices a pin on Kaito's bag. It’s a pin for a (very obscure) harem anime that nobody else has ever heard of. But both Mineta and Kaito just so happen to love it. They start excitedly talking about it with each other, and end up exchanging numbers. They begin texting each other, growing closer and closer. Mineta thinks Kaito is the coolest guy in the world, and takes his opinion very seriously. At some point, Kaito invites Mineta over to his house to watch a movie/show with him. They end up having a great time, and it’s very friendship goals.

They hang out more and more frequently, since neither of them have many friends, and they like spending time together. Kaito starts to give Mineta a new perspective on the world and people, and Mineta slowly realizes that maybe he has a skewed view of not just girls, but relationships in general. He didn’t have the best view of himself, and that was affecting how he interacted with other people. I’ve always headcanoned Mineta as having dwarfism (which is why I low key hate it when people make him taller/have a growth spurt), and while he is far from perfect representation, I do think that it can give him a lot of extra depth and even explains elements of his behavior. Him being disabled could be interesting if explored correctly. 

As you may know from the previous post, Kaito also has a physical disability, but he doesn’t mind it all that much. Yes, it can be difficult, but he embraces his disability completely. Mineta is very insecure about his disability and how others perceive/treat him because of it. He has a lot of insecurities that shape his behaviors, and may have underlying concerns about whether or not he is lovable. 

And then here comes Kaito, a guy who embraces his own disability to the fullest. Even when facing discrimination, he doesn’t let it affect how he views himself or his disability. He is proud of himself, and he ends up introducing Mineta to a new perspective on disabilities. Kaito may even invite him into an online group chat of others with disabilities or a support group. Kaito inspires Mineta to accept himself as a person, and this causes growth.

But romantic relationships aren’t one sided. Kaito likes a lot of things about Mineta as well. Kaito admires the fact that Mineta wants to be a hero, and while obviously Mineta is a bit of a coward, he is really good at being a hero (found this video, and wow I forgot how much skill he actually has). He can also be pretty brave when it matters. Even though his reasons for becoming a hero weren't the best, Kaito still admires him for it.

Mineta doesn’t exactly have confidence in terms of liking himself, but he still throws himself out there and does things with very little shame. Maybe not enough shame. But the point still stands. He puts himself out there and tries. Kaito isn't always the type to try. He doesn't put himself out there in the same way. So seeing Mineta constantly speak his mind is admirable to Kaito.

Kaito also thinks that Mineta is just a generally funny and interesting person. When he’s not being a little piece of shit, Mineta actually has a surprisingly good sense of humor. He’s mainly good at making slightly snarky/sarcastic comments that can catch you off guard, but still make you laugh. That’s why Kaito loves watching certain kinds of shows with Mineta. You know, the ones you can watch with friends and make comments about while you’re watching it. They also like to rewatch their favorite shows together and actually talk about it while watching, pointing out certain details and what they find interesting. Kaito actually thinks that a lot of Mineta’s points can be pretty good, especially in regards to stylization and character design.

While it’s not exactly canon, I have seen multiple people headcanon Mineta as being good at drawing, and I like that headcanon a lot. Perhaps he’s particularly good at drawing the human figure (not for the best of reasons, but the point still stands), and is very particular about proportions and stuff. He’s very into anime, and thus his artstyle is very anime-esque, but he actually excels in realism. So Kaito frequently compliments Mineta on his drawing skills. Plus some of his other skills, like how he uses his quirk in really creative and versatile ways.

Mineta’s less favorable traits have not gone over Kaito’s head. He only bore witness to Mineta’s more creepy side after having known him for a decent amount of time, but he was already aware of Mineta’s insecurities and personal issues by that point. So Kaito was aware of why Mineta acted the way he did, and he wasn’t completely unaware of how horny his friend could get. Most people would have dropped Mineta after seeing how creepy he can be, but one of Kaito’s minor/major flaws is thinking “I can fix them” whenever he has a slightly shitty person in his life. Somehow, he actually succeeded in this with Mineta.

Overtime, Mineta starts to hit on the girls less and is generally less creepy. Eventually, he stops hitting on people altogether. He also starts smiling more often, like he’s legitimately more happy in general. He engages with people, and he’s still kinda socially awkward and tries a little too hard, but he’s better at it. It’s almost like he’s more “present,” talking not for the sake of social attention, but because he legitimately has something to add. It takes a little while for people to notice, but they do.

At a certain point, Mineta starts catching feelings for Kaito, but it takes a while for him to realize it.

Mineta’s crush on Kaito is actually kinda funny because despite feeling sexual attraction towards girls almost 24/7, Mineta hasn’t had very many (romantic) crushes. Even in canon, he doesn’t seem to actually have a specific crush on anyone, just generalized, desperate lust. So when he starts having a legit crush on a person, he acts very differently. It’s so fucking obvious, too. When he’s sexually attracted to someone, he acts the way he does in the show, and is much more upfront. But when he has a normal crush, Mineta is much more shy about it. He acts the way he usually does around Kaito, but when Kaito compliments him, Mineta’s suddenly blushing and turning into mush. When he talks about Kaito, it’s in such an adoring way, like “he’s so smart and cool and interesting and amazing and-”

And Kaito's not much different. As mentioned earlier, he frequently compliments Mineta, and things he is just amazing, even if he isn't perfect. They are still normal friends, and when they hang out, the tension isn't too high. They just enjoy each other's company. But there will still be the occasional moments where the

It's honestly really obvious that they like each other. While I might not do this, as I have funnier plans in mind, it would be funny if Mineta invited Kaito over to the dorms one day to watch a movie together and Kaito met the rest of Class 1A. Everyone sees how Mineta acts towards him (and hears him talk about him), and they immediately pick up on the fact that Mineta probably has a crush. They can even tell that Kaito feels the same way (again, this subplot might not happen, but it would be hilarious). But the pair are both fucking oblivious, and it’s almost infuriating. Like, just fucking kiss already.

And eventually, they do. It’s such a fun scene. While I was working on the two of them, I finally listened to “Loser Baby” from Hazbin Hotel, and it was like a lightning strike of inspiration. Not only did it help me flesh out their relationship and them as characters, but it made one of my best confession scenes. Basically, the two are watching a (completely original to the BNHA Universe) show that Kaito has seen before, but Mineta hasn’t. In the show, one of the characters ends up having a whole monologue that Mineta relates a little too hard to, and he starts crying.

Kaito asks him what’s wrong, and Mineta basically starts talking to him about how he feels like nobody really likes him all that much because he’s kind of a shitty person. Yes, his classmates no longer hate him, but few of them actually like him. He generally just has a lot of personal issues regarding self worth and stuff. Kaito admits that he struggles with that kinda stuff too sometimes, and they both go quiet for a moment, before Kaito has an idea. He presses play again on the remote, knowing what happens after the monologue in the show. It’s “Loser Baby” (though the context is a bit different). Kaito sings along to Husk’s part, directly to Mineta, and it’s kinda silly at first, specifically during the first chorus. But then, like in Hazbin Hotel, it actually gets really cute. 

There is one small difference in the song during this scene. At some point, before the part where Angel and Husk are under the umbrella together (timestamp 2:20 in the original), there is a small musical break. During this part, this little exchange happens:

Kaito: *Grabs Mineta’s hands in his* “Hey, what you said about nobody liking you? That’s not true.”

Mineta: *Not looking at him* “How do you know that?”

Kaito: “Because…I like you.”

Mineta: “Yeah, but nobody likes me, like, romantically.”

Kaito: “.......I do.”

Mineta: *Freezes in shock, then slowly looks up at Kaito* “Really?”

Kaito: *Blushing like crazy* “Yeah.”

Mineta: *Also blushing* “Me too.”

Kaito: “Really?”

Mineta: “Yeah.”

They look back to the TV again when they hear the final start of the song begin. The part with the umbrella. And the two sing along to the song together (there are subtitles). Then, as soon as the song ends, Mineta and Kaito do a deep kiss.

This isn’t where the story ends. This is more the end of part 1 of their romance. Once they start dating, things are both the same and completely different. And it’s a lot crazier. But I’ll talk about that in either another part, or create a fanfic like a normal person.

Stay tuned if you want to hear more about this chaos. I’m way too proud of it.

[goongiveusnothing]

he won’t come out as gay/bi or queer because 1) i don’t sense he even feels those labels accurately define him and 2) he knows it would change the way he was viewed and the nature of his career. he would become a gay popstar. and that’s exactly why he isn’t gay. he isn’t treated through that lens. he’s not out here getting the mika or adam lambert treatment and there’s a reason for that. his star gets to be as big as it is because precisely because he’s straight. his marketing doesn’t work if he’s actually gay. the whole point is that he isn’t. his persona doesn’t work if he’s actually gay. are there gay men who aren’t stereotypically flamboyant and “limp wristed” in their character? absolutely but the fact that it’s a conscious part of their identity still affects their lived experience because that’s the reality of the current societal context we live in. harry styles literally cannot be gay. it changes the foundation of his success.

he won’t come out as gay/bi or queer because 1) i don’t sense he even feels those labels accurately define him and 2)

lmao "don't assume his sexuality!!!!11" suddenly becomes "as harry style's biggest astrologer i can sense from the vibes exactly what the lines of his sexuality are, and how he doesn't belong in any of them, because harry simply exceeds all boundaries and definitions. the lines are too rigid for this QUEER man. he cannot accept a QUEER label. because the lines confine his QUEER and BOY driven penchant too much. nobody else in history has defined and blurred the outlines of his QUEERness as much as harry, for that reason no lines can exist for him, but he is also QUEER."

his star gets to be as big as it is because precisely because he’s straight.

what is this nasty homophobia? it's always the gayrries who are the biggest homophobes. fantasizing that people have to be fiercely closeted, fantasizing about people being rounded up, and fantasizing that being gay would ruin a man worth $150 million's career and so he gets to keep his straight privilege so he doesn't have to be burdened by the real queer celebrities who do fit into lines like "i like boys" by being open about it? yeah, congrats to bigoted greedy coward harry. definitely a superhero of the queer LGBT people. what a motivation and inspiration that he hasn't been burdened down by the ugly hideous label of "GAY" which is ew ick disgusting and gets to still be the glory defining passing "STRAIGHT" as you also squeal in disgust when people give him that label, despite the fact you think it's a benefit and a good thing and something he fucking wants?

like yay him! you're essentially admitting he's queerbaiting and using these lines however he wants for the benefits, but is lucky he doesn't have to be weighed down like all those nasty real queer people do by the fact that the reality of their sexuality literally impacts their lives and those of the people they date.

[vespamultimuse]

The other night I found some family hcs I typed up forever ago so I guess I should post them here, they’re under the cut.

Mika's Parents -His dad's name is Takahiro and his mom's name is Akari. -His parents are very supportive of his dream, which is why they were okay with him going to Yumenosaki and even moving in with Shu so he wouldn’t have to travel so far everyday. He talks to them everyday through texting, though it’s mostly his mom since his dad can barely use his phone. -He was adopted when he was 8 years old. -Akari and Takahiro had tried for many years to have a child until tests confirmed that Akari was infertile. They were both heartbroken but decided to adopt since they really wanted a kid. -It took Mika a while to call them mom and dad instead of Mrs. and Mr. Kagehira. He also seemed unsure of how to act at his new home and would frequently ask if it was really okay for him to stay there.

Rei and Ritsu's Parents -Their mom's name is Miyo and their dad is Naito -They are very wealthy. They live in a huge, old-styled house. -They aren't the best parents but they aren't the worst either, just a tad bit neglectful. They let Rei stay out late and do as he pleases, which is pretty much every teenagers dream. They never gave Ritsu much attention, especially as he got older. -They had Rei as their heir, but they didn't really want Ritsu. Miyo actually wanted a girl and was disappointed that Ritsu was a boy.

Subaru's Parents -His dad's name is Ren and his mom's name is Yukiko. -When his dad was imprisoned, he and his mom were shunned by everyone, to the point they had to move to try and get away from it all. -Yukiko use to love idols just as much as Subaru did. But after Ren's death, she couldn't feel as excited about them anymore. -Yukiko had a hard time finding a job after Ren's death. Right now she works at convience store close to her house.

Arashi's Family -Arashi's dad is Hiroto, their mom is Tamako and their older brother is Mitsue. -Tamako is way more understanding about Arashi's gender identity than Arashi's father and brother. -Hiroto and Mitsue don't really accept Arashi as genderfluid. But since she accepts he/him pronouns it doesn't bother her too much. -Her mom is a model and the one who got Arashi into the modeling industry. -Tamako is also very supportive of Arashi's idol career and goes to see all of Knights' performances

Mao's Family -His dad's name is Asahi and his mom's name is Hana. His little sister's name is Yui. -His parents don't really care about him, they care more about his sister than him. Mao does his best to not let it bother him. -His little sister is very bratty and always gets what she wants. Despite that, Mao still cares about her, since they are family.

Kaoru's Family -His dad is named Seiichi, Mom is named Chika, brother is named Yukio and his sister is named Hotaru. -Like known in canon, Kaoru's mom is dead and his dad isn't the best. -His dad is a horrible parent to Kaoru. He treats Kaoru much differently than he treats Kaoru's siblings. -He's also very homophobic, which is why Kaoru is so adamant to claim he is straight. -Kaoru has a wonderful relationship with his sister, they get along really well. He and his brother are more on neutral terms.

Akatsuki's Parents -His mom's name is Maki. -Akatsuki (formerly known as Akira) was adopted when he was a young child by the Iride couple after their biological son Akatsuki died due to health complications. -His adoptive dad was supposedly killed in a laboratory accident. The accident left his mom more traumatized and unstable which leads to her sanity breaking down. -Akira's mom becomes unable to distinguish between him and her late son. She even went as far to suggest Akira gets a name change and he surprisingly agreed. -Although his mother is seemingly delusional and mentally unbalanced, Akatsuki loves his mother dearly and does not see her as a nuisance or burden. -Paka is Akatsuki's adoptive father. Akatsuki is unaware of this. (This comes from a theory I found, I really like the idea) *It is also hinted that Akatsuki is Himiko's older brother that was given up for adoption.

Hibiki's Parents -His mom's name is Utano and his dad's is Yuichi -Hibiki's parents were very negligent. They never paid attention to him as a kid and were always away at work. They expected Hibiki to have good grades though, but all the studying caused Hibiki to get bullied. -Daichi's parents were more of parents to him than his actual mom and dad. They would often let Hibiki stay at their house and would even make sure he was eating properly. -Hibiki didn't even care or wonder about his parents during the apocalypse. He was more willing to help Daichi and Io try to get home to see their parents rather than check on his parents.

[babubunny]

Things I’ve noticed that the fandom generally Headcanon about Daishou while reading KuroShou fics.

- Daishou and Mika usually become friends after they break up for a final time

- Both are also Bisexual messes

- Daishou’s birth mum is usually the one he is closest to

- She is also usually dead or out of the picture though

- Daishou’s dad is usually homophobic or just generally abusive in many different ways

- Daishou usually gets adopted by a lovely lesbian couple that love him very much

- Daishou and everyone who goes to Nohebi are rich and Nohebi is actually a private/rich type school

- Daishou usually has nipple piercings

- Kuroo was the person that actually caused the separation and the dislike Daishou has for him

- This is usually due to Kuroo not giving Daishou the proper care or attention Daishou needed from him within their friendship

- Daishou can actually be a really sweet person if he truly cares for you but also likes to protect himself by being so mean

[vitanes]

say it’s okay when it’s not

chapter 8: the aftermath

Lucas gets outed and he has to deal with what’s next. The whole week is one long ride. Along with bad experiences, he learns something new about Eliott.

(a/n: homophobic language)

They are all looking at him and Lucas wishes he could make it stop. He knows they saw it, their usernames among the tagged ones in the post containing the pictures. And now they are looking at him trying very hard not to look at him. It’s suffocating, Lucas wants to become invisible all at once. He can’t stand being in this situation.

“Hey, hey. Lucas.” Someone shakes his shoulder and his head snaps to the side. Yann’s eyes are piercing through him and his hand on Lucas’ shoulder is heavy.

“I need to go,” Lucas whispers, looking away. He stands up abruptly, letting his phone fall down to the floor with a loud thud when it slides off his legs. He pays it no mind and starts walking towards the door. Everyone’s watching him.

He’s stopped halfway through his way by fingers wrapping around his wrist and strongly grounding him in place.

“Lucas, no. You aren’t doing it again,” Yann says, his grip tightening. Lucas exhales sharply and turns around.

“What the hell am I supposed to do now?” he asks, his voice breaking. He’s so embarrassed, he doesn’t want all of his friends seeing him like that. Yann seems to understand because his eyes skim over the room and then he pushes Lucas forward until they are out of everyone’s earshot.

“You aren’t running away, that’s for sure,” he says once they are in the hallway. Lucas shakes his head.

“Have you seen how many people were tagged in this post? Everyone will know. God, why didn’t I pay them? I was such a moron for thinking they’d let it go.” His voice is strained and he’s barely getting words out of his throat. “Everyone in that room was staring at me,” he adds, pointing in the direction of the living room.

“They were shocked and worried,” Yann tries to explain and Lucas rolls his eyes.

“I don’t care, I don’t want that. Fuck, what am I going to do?” Lucas asks helplessly. He can’t imagine facing his friends afterwards let alone the rest of the world. He was exposed in the way he’s been trying to avoid for so long and no matter how much effort he put into hiding his secret, it’s all done now.

“Lucas, come on, look at me. Look at me,” Yann says sternly, but Lucas refuses, staring at the ceiling instead. Yann cups Lucas’ head in both his hands and forces him to look at him. “You’re going to get through this, okay?” He sounds so sure and Lucas wishes he could nod and confirm those words, but he doesn’t believe in them. He can’t cope with this situation.

One of Yann’s hands slides down to Lucas’ neck and he pushes Lucas’ head against his shoulder, letting his other arm fall around Lucas’ waist. He holds him there and if not for him, Lucas feels like his knees would give out under him.

“You want me to get them out of here?” Yann whispers, his thumb reassuringly tracing circles over  Lucas’ skin. He gets a nod in return. “Okay. Go to your room and I’ll handle them. Do you want me to stay?”

Lucas withdraws and lets his eyes rest on Yann’s face for a long moment. “I’d rather be alone now,” he eventually lets out. There’s no anger in response, no accusation. Just pure understanding.

“Okay, but if you need anything, I’m one phone call away.” Yann rubs his hand over Lucas’ back one last time before pulling away as well. “It’ll be okay.”

It won’t, Lucas replies in his mind and steps away. He goes to his room and locks the door, not keen on seeing anyone right now. His whole world has just ended, he needs some rest.

***

The best way, the Lucas’ way to deal with problems when they get overwhelming is to ignore them. It worked perfectly fine when things were going down with his family. He would put a smile on his face and just go on. So he tells himself, this time it should be the same. He’ll simply act as if nothing happened. He doesn’t talk about it thus it’s not real. That’s the conclusion he reaches over the weekend. That’s how he eventually leaves his room and talks with Manon like all is good. He can see the surprise on her face, but he ignores it.

The same way he avoids looking at his phone. And really, why not? He can live a life like that. In a bubble. Lisa and Mika seem cooperative, much to his relief and don’t even send him weird looks, even though Lucas feared Mika would approach him the first thing after finding out.

When he’s going to school on Monday, it’s with newfound energy. A part of him tells him that he can do it. That maybe Yann was right.

(That are the lies he feeds himself so he can at least slightly calm his nerves.)

He comes up to the guys, he high-fives them even though his palm is trembling and tries to grin as much as possible.

“I tried calling you,” Arthur says at one point, seemingly tired of the elephant in the room.

“Ran out of battery,” Lucas replies, pretending to be oblivious. He notices everyone turning towards him, interested and his healthy fingers curl into a fist in his pocket.

“I just wanted to–“

“I can’t believe!” Lucas hears Chloé before she appears right in front of him. Great. “What did you think? Did you even think at all?” she asks him and she’s fuming. Considering they haven’t spoken to each other ever since that unfortunate morning, Lucas assumed they both had agreed to forget, but he must have been wrong. “Why did you sleep with me if you’re gay?” Lucas’ heart stops beating for a second just to pick up its speed in an instant. The guys make surprised noises, but Lucas can’t address them. “Do you know how it feels like? People will think I’m pathetic for sleeping with a gay guy. Fuck you, you should have chosen someone else. At least now I know why you couldn’t make it work. Jesus, I was so stupid!” she yells, pinching the bridge of her nose.

“Hey, now. Maybe if you weren’t screaming about sleeping with him no one would know,” Eliott says and Chloé’s eyes snap to him. Lucas has already noticed, but apparently, it must have started registering in her head only now that people around are looking towards them, some of them snickering. Chloé’s cheeks redden and she coughs.  

“Whatever,” she mumbles under her breath and leaves the place, knocking into Lucas’ shoulder for emphasis.  

“Dude, you slept with her?” Basile asks after a few beats of uncomfortable silence. The muscle in Lucas’ jaw ticks and instead of answering, he turns on his heel and goes towards the entrance of the school.

***

“Why didn’t you tell me about Chloé?” Yann asks on their way home after classes. Lucas was invited over for a dinner to Yann’s house and he didn’t even question the way Yann eagerly asked him to come. He feels a bit guilty, though, living off Yann’s family again. He doesn’t think he deserves any of their generosity.  

Lucas doesn’t say anything for a few minutes. The shame that was left in him after what he did with Chloé is still within him. He doesn’t think he’ll be able to openly talk about this experience without feeling lightheaded and gross for a very long time. It’s a tough topic. One he’d rather stay away from than picking it apart.

“I’ve been trying to forget it happened at all.” There was also the fact he didn’t want to make Yann feel guilty because knowing Lucas he’d word his explanation wrong. Besides, he’s been scared of being judged for doing it. Even with Eliott, it wasn’t all that easy. But with Yann, it’s ten times worse because they are best friends.

“Why did you do it?” Yann asks quietly, kicking a rock out of his way. He tucks his hands into his pockets. He won’t meet Lucas’ eye and Lucas looks straight ahead.

“I was really miserable and everyone around me started coming out suddenly and being happily not straight. I just felt like I had to do it,” he explains, scowling. He should have known it’d be a mistake and maybe under normal circumstances, he’d have stopped. But he was drunk and the rest is history.

“She was your first, right?” Yann asks. Lucas would assume that he does that out of politeness because he’d know if Lucas had sex with someone. But at the same time, Yann has no idea how pathetic his experiences with boys are, he has no idea Lucas has never gone further than a heated make-out session with a stranger. In that case, his question is completely valid.

Lucas nods. They both fall quiet afterwards, but Lucas can hear Yann thinking anyway and he keeps wondering what exactly is going on in Yann’s mind. Whether it’s something bad about Lucas. He starts worrying his bottom lip with his teeth.

They are near Yann’s building when he hesitantly opens his mouth to say, “I’m sorry it happened. I really hope you won’t hurt yourself like that ever again.” There’s something really soft in the way he utters those words, something that touches right at Lucas’ core. It says I don’t want you to do that to yourself because I care about you. It says I love you and pulls at the strings in Lucas’ heart.

And Lucas thinks to himself, how could I’ve ever doubted you?

***

The moment Lucas knows something is wrong is when he walks into the locker room to change for PE and everyone falls silent upon his arrival. He feels the eyes of his classmates watching him, but he tries to move on. No need to unnecessarily stress over that. It probably doesn’t mean anything, right?

Wrong.

It happens when he starts changing into his sweatpants. Someone says, “The girls’ locker room is to the right, you missed.”

Lucas takes a deep breath but says nothing. He doesn’t want to let them provoke him, especially when he’s completely alone here. He doesn’t have this class with any of his friends. Better to play safe.

“You heard me? You shouldn’t have come here.”

“Yeah, we don’t want to be watched by some queer,” someone else adds and Lucas bites on the inside of his cheek so hard it nearly draws blood.

“What are you going to do anyway with that screwed up hand of yours?”

He was told he can participate in PE as long as he isn’t doing anything involving his hand, but it doesn’t take a genius to figure it out, does it?

“Surely won’t give anyone a hand job.” The whole locker room barks out with laughter and Lucas scrunches his nose up. It wasn’t even funny.

The person sitting to his left kicks him in the shin and says, “Why aren’t you saying anything? Too much dick sucking?” He kicks Lucas again, this time with more force.

“I’m not here to talk with you,” Lucas says calmly, even though his heart is beating rapidly in his chest.

“Oh, how mighty. Mister homo is too good for us, huh?” says the first guy and the one who kicked Lucas leans closer to him.

“Watch out, I like throwing the ball really hard,” he mutters with a dangerous note to his voice and for the first time, Lucas truly feels like it’s not just harmless teasing.

“Don’t get too close to him, he might get a crush on you.”

“Don’t worry, if it happened I’d beat that crush out of him,” the guy promises and stands up, flicking Lucas in the ear before leaving.

The other guys follow him soon after, with someone throwing over their shoulder, “Next time you shouldn’t change here,” as the last warning.

When the door closes and Lucas is left alone only then does he realise how badly his whole body is trembling. He barely knows these people and they have a problem with him over two random pictures. Over him not being like them. Lucas can’t wrap his head around it. Can’t grasp the fact they won’t be the last ones to pick on him even though last week they were barely classmates, almost strangers.

It takes all of Lucas’ strength to go to PE after that.

***

Waiting for a teacher to come and then finding out they aren’t going to show up is always satisfying. Even if it’s biology that Lucas enjoys, he needs that moment of peace. Being at school has been torture and it’s been only merely three days. It feels like everyone is staring at him during classes. The whole school wasn’t tagged in the pictures and he didn’t expect everyone to point at him, but the rumours spread fast. More people than not know about him and choose to give him hell. Mostly students from his year, which makes matters worse. He has to interact with them.

Having a class cancelled is a small miracle, an hour to get away from people snickering behind his back and he can’t wait to just go somewhere and disappear.

“Hey, do you want to study in the library?” Imane asks him and Lucas looks around, wondering when she got closer to him. He definitely didn’t see this coming.

“Um. Sure,” he mumbles, shrugging. Aside from the boys and Manon, he hasn’t talked with anyone who was in the flat on Friday and now he feels awkward. Especially that he only touched upon the subject with Yann. None of the boys bothered him about it so far, but Lucas doesn’t know what to expect from Imane. If he should even expect anything. She’s blunt and always speaks her mind and Lucas assumes the worst. Always. Even though he shouldn’t.

They go over to the library and Imane chooses a table in the far corner of the place, right under the window and close to the regales full of scientific textbooks. They settle down and spread out their materials over the table. Lucas isn’t sure he’s in the right state of mind to study and learn a lot, but he might as well try. Over the weeks, Imane and he have become compatible during biology classes and perhaps now she’ll send him some vibes that will help him focus.

They start going through the topic of the last lesson, helping each other out with the matters they both have issues with and somehow manage to work them out together.  That reminds Lucas just how much joy learning things he’s interested in gives him. And, looking back, Lucas is happy that Imane became his partner. As much as he likes Arthur, they never had the connection needed for that subject and very often Lucas would get distracted or would have to do twice as much. With Imane things go smoothly and it doesn’t feel like only one party puts effort. It’s a pleasant change.

“What are you guys looking at?” Imane asks, her tone sharp and Lucas looks up from his textbook to notice two guys and a girl sitting by the table next to theirs. The girl and one guy seem embarrassed by being caught gawking, but the other boy looks unbothered and Lucas knows he’s going to say something nasty.

“It’s just weird he’s hanging out with you. You’re a girl, right? Besides, shouldn’t you be against the gays?” the guy asks and yep, there it is.

Imane sighs with exasperation all the while Lucas’ grip on his pen tightens. “It’s just weird that you’re in this school when you don’t possess any brain cells. If you aren’t going to say something smart, maybe it’s better to stay quiet. Assuming we are such a big problem for you, why don’t you change the table?” she waves her hand towards unoccupied parts of the library, “I don’t know about you, but some people really came here to study. So could you remove yourself before I tell the librarian you’re disrupting the quiet?” Imane tilts her head to the side, a fake smile tugging at her lips.

After a moment of hesitation, the girl tugs on the sleeve of one of the guys and then they all move. Imane watches them with a satisfied smirk and then her eyes move to Lucas’ surprised face.

“What?”

“How did you do it?” he asks. He wasn’t even able to say a word to them all the while Imane had enough guts to make them leave.

“Years of practice,” she replies with a shrug. She tries to come off as nonchalant, but Lucas notices the way her smile becomes sad and her eyes lose their earlier spark. “You never get used to being treated like a zoo exhibition but you learn how to stand up.”

“We have something in common now,” Lucas says matter-of-factly and Imane snorts.

“Yay, oppression,” she says, weakly waving her fist in the air.

“Although I could never understand what you have to go through,” Lucas adds as an afterthought. He’s still a white guy, all the while Imane must deal with racists, islamophobes, and people who hate women. And when Lucas can hide being gay, Imane can’t lie about being who she is.

“Yeah, you couldn’t. But we can learn from each other and support one another. We have compassion and deeper understanding of those things than the people who go through life without being prosecuted for simply being who they are,” Imane says, her fingers toying with the corner of her notebook. “How are you holding up?” she asks, looking at him.

“It’s bad but I try not to think about it so I don’t lose my mind,” Lucas says honestly. It’s hard to deal with. It’d be one thing if he had already accepted himself beforehand, but he’s still full of self-hatred. And being forced out of the closet in this state will leave a scar. Lucas is aware enough to know that. He’s been outed against his will and everyone including himself isn’t a fan of what was revealed. He wasn’t ready to have the whole world know he likes boys. He wasn’t going to be ready anytime soon.

Now he has to deal with all of the backlash and his own issues. He can’t even think about kissing a boy or holding his hand. But now other people do think about him doing all of that and it doesn’t belong to them in the slightest. Especially not if it doesn’t belong to Lucas either.

“One thing I can assure you about is that people will stop talking. They’ll get bored. The news will be old and you won’t be that interesting soon enough. Good things pass but bad do, too.” Imane reaches her hand out and gently brushes her fingers over Lucas’ bandaged knuckles. “I was really scared. On Friday,” she admits. “I’m glad that Yann stopped you from rushing off. Almost everyone started looking at their phones and it must have felt horrible for you. But I hope you know none of us were judging you. We were mostly sad. Angry at the person who posted it. Guilty for looking at the pictures.”

It’s good to hear it said out loud. Lucas has considered all of the bad things his friends might have thought about he didn’t even take into account that they were feeling for him. And logically he should know he’s got all their support, they’ve proven that, but Lucas always lets his mind wander to dark places.

“Thank you,” he says, slightly pushing his hand against Imane’s and getting a small smile in return.

“Anytime.”

***

Walking into the school building on Friday, nothing could have prepared Lucas for what he’s met with. All he can do is stand frozen, staring at the posters showing a naked guy in a lewd position with Lucas’ face photoshopped on top of his and an ‘I will ride you for 10 euros’ with his Instagram handle next to it. And it’s not only one or two posters. No, they are hanging over the whole hallway. Some people have taken them off just to smirk at them.

And Lucas can’t move away, taking the poster in with shaking breaths. His hands balled up into fists despite his aching fingers. This is awful. Everyone will see it. Everyone will know even if they didn’t before. They won’t stop talking. They won’t stop doing things like that. Lucas’ lips fall open.

Why? What did he do? He’s not the only gay kid in school but for some reason, he’s the one people hate. He didn’t want this. And it can only get worse from now on because why wouldn’t it? It’s been barely a week and it’s hell.

“What the hell are you laughing about?!” Arthur screams towards the crowd that has gathered around. He starts ripping the posters off the wall, his face full of disdain.

“Don’t you have better things to do? Fuck off,” Yann says, taking care of the posters further down the hall all the while Basile joins Arthur.

People are still making comments despite the guys trying to shove them away, to tell them off and Lucas can’t take it.

“Let’s go,” Eliott whispers into his ear and tugs Lucas away from there, back towards the schoolyard. “Fucking assholes,” Eliott mutters under his nose when they stop next to the entrance. He turns towards Lucas, a pained expression over his face and opens his mouth to say something more.

“Lucas, are you alright?” Yann reaches them with Arthur and Basile in tow, all of them looking pissed off. Lucas shoots a glance to Eliott but he doesn’t say anything more, his eyes downcast. Lucas looks back at Yann.

“How can I be?” he asks, his voice breaking. “Have you seen those posters? There’s contact to me on them.” He starts pacing. God knows how many of the posters are still hanging all around the school.

“We will go to the principal,” Arthur says, reaching his hand out to place it on Lucas’ shoulder but Lucas shakes him off.

“What good will it do? People will keep talking but now I’ll put them in trouble so it’ll be even worse.”

“So you just want to let it happen?” Arthur asks, frowning.

“I tried to stop it from happening for so long and it didn’t work! Nothing will work now. I just can’t fucking wait to be beaten up!” He throws his hands in the air, his whole body shaking. “How is that fair that you and Eliott can make out at a party but I have to be sorry for existing? I’m so fucking sick of this,” he sniffs, “Why am I the only one people have a problem with?” he asks, looking straight into Arthur’s eyes.

“I don’t know,” he says helplessly.

“I really wish I wasn’t gay. I hate it so much. And if my life is going to look like that? When I can’t even take a piss without someone looking at me weirdly? Then I don’t want to live at all!” First tears spill from his eyes and he groans, wiping his face with the back of his hand. He hates that so much, too. He always fucking cries, like a baby.

“Don’t say that. You can’t mean that,” Arthur’s voice is barely above a whisper when he says that, his eyes wide and face pale.

“I do. I do mean that,” Lucas admits.

He looks over the rest of the boys’ faces and they all look the same amount stunned and sad.

“Lucas, it’s not the end. You’re still so young,” Eliott says.

“What would you know? It’s the end for me,” Lucas retorts harshly and the moment Eliott’s face falls, Lucas knows he’s said the wrong thing but it’s too late to take it back.

“You’re taking it too far. Cool down,” Yann says warningly.

Lucas takes a step away from them and they all flinch upon noticing. “Just leave me alone,” he mutters and turns his back to them before storming off.

***

Locking himself in his room to run away from the whole world has become some sort of a hobby for Lucas. He isn’t really proud of this one, though, but what can he do? He doesn’t want to face other people, he wants to pretend he’s the only human out there. Besides he doesn’t have to talk with anyone, doesn’t have to see anyone worried.

If he’s locked in his room he won’t hurt anyone by whatever he says or have to deal with assholes. Running away is always the best choice.

Lucas briefly wonders how much school he has already missed. How badly it’ll affect his performance. He hopes he’ll be able to pass, but in the grand scheme of things does that even matter anymore? If he can’t handle being at school maybe he should drop out altogether. Find a job and finally not be reliant on his father.

The teachers must have seen the posters. He wouldn’t be surprised if the principal found out without anyone really reporting it to him. What if the next time he goes to school he gets called into the office? Have adults discuss his situation, ask questions. God, that would be humiliating.

Lucas doesn’t know how much time passes since he comes from school until there’s a knock on his door, but he supposes it must be well into the afternoon. His flatmates already back from work and school, probably wondering why he’s there earlier than them again.

Lucas thinks to himself that if he stays quiet, they’ll think he’s asleep and won’t bother him. But the knocking repeats after a minute or two and he sighs loudly.

He’s already reaching the bottom so he rolls off his bed, falling down with an ‘ow!’ in the process and honest to God crawls towards the door.

“No, I’m not hungry. Yes, I’ll do my laundry. I’m fine,” he mumbles, resting his forehead against the door.

“We both know it’s a lie,” he hears Eliott saying from the other side and Lucas’ breath hitches. He opens his eyes wider.

“Who let you in?” he asks weakly.

“Mika? I think so.” Of course, it was Mika, who else. If he can’t be nosy, he’ll let other people do that for him. “Are you going to open the door?”

Lucas considers that for a long moment and then blurts out, “No.”

“Fine then,” Eliott says and then Lucas hears some commotion from the other side and the feeling of another body pressed up against the door.

“Why did you come here?” Lucas asks, brushing his knuckles up and down over the wood.

“I didn’t want you to be alone. Despite what you said. And I figured out you’re more likely to talk with me than the others,” Eliott admits and Lucas shifts his head so his ear is pressed closer. He can almost hear Eliott breathing.

“Why?”

“Because you did that before,” Eliott says and Lucas purses his lips, looking down at the carpet. It’s true. There’s something about Eliott that makes Lucas open up in a way he struggles with the rest of his friends. He doesn’t know why that happens and is aware it may be problematic in the long run. Finding out that Eliott knows about it as well is a little scary to be honest. It feels like he’s holding that power over Lucas. Coming to him when Lucas clearly stated he didn’t want anyone because he knows Lucas may not resist. Lucas doesn’t know what to make of it, what it means, but his heart speeds up when he thinks about it.

Lucas nearly choked trying to be vulnerable with his best friend but here he is, wearing his emotions on his sleeve while talking with someone he barely knows.

“I was an asshole,” Lucas whispers, his cheeks getting warm.

“Maybe. But the situation was very fucked up. And it proved you shouldn’t be alone right now. Even if we just sit here with the door between us, I think it’s better than you shutting yourself off,” Eliott says, his voice composed. “The things you said about yourself. About not wanting to live. It really got to the guys.”

“I’m sorry,” Lucas says and his voice wavers. It’s never a pleasant thing to hear your loved one say something like that. He’d know, his heart bled each time his mother said something akin to his words.

“Don’t be,” Eliott says softly. “But it left them distraught. Especially Arthur. He blames himself for not helping you earlier, for not figuring it out. He feels bad for being openly out when you were struggling so much.”

“He couldn’t have known,” Lucas says. He never let anything escape. No matter how much his friends know him, if he didn’t want them to find out about any part of himself, he would do anything it takes to hide it. It wasn’t any different in this case.

“I tried to tell him. But I think you’ll have to talk with him when the time comes anyway.”

A sudden thought occurs in Lucas’ mind and his eyes jump to the place he thinks Eliott’s head might be.

“Did you… did you know?” It’s a stupid question, but Lucas can’t shake it off. There’s been something subdued about Eliott’s approach. He was the only one who didn’t give Lucas lingering looks since it all went down. Not to mention he’s the one to come and comfort him and knows exactly what to say.

“Not really. At least not until you told me about Chloé. I had my suspicions after that, but I told myself I was reading too much into that,” Eliott says thoughtfully.  

“Why didn’t you say anything?”

“Lucas, how would you react if a guy you very strongly disliked for a while asked you if you weren’t straight? When you were deep in the closet? It wasn’t my place to say anything.” Well, if it’s put this way, it does make sense. “I was just as surprised as everyone on Friday. But it was even worse because I wasn’t tagged in that post. I saw it on the screen of your phone after I picked it up when you left and I shouldn’t have looked,” Eliott explains and even though his memory of that day is blurry, Lucas remembers glimpses. Remembers how Eliott’s confusion looked so differently from the surprise on the faces of his other friends.

“Why weren’t you tagged?”

“My account is private and I don’t follow anyone.”

“Mysterious,” Lucas says, but in his head, there are many questions. Why’s Eliott’s account out of reach for all of them? What is he hiding?

Eliott snorts. “Yeah. Anyways, I want to tell you something. But I don’t think I can do it like that. It’s a secret,” Eliott says and it takes a moment for Lucas to realise he’s asked to be let in again.

Lucas looks over the room, on the clothes draped over the furniture, textbooks on the floor and his bed unmade and the insecurity from a week ago comes back to Lucas. His room is a mess and Eliott’s never been in here, but at this point, Lucas is too numb to think twice before standing up and slowly unlocking the door. Whatever Eliott thinks of the state of the room, Lucas will handle it.

He opens the door and Eliott falls down on his back with a yelp. He wasn’t probably expecting Lucas to give in. To be fair, Lucas wasn’t expecting it either.

He looks down at him and Eliott watches him back, upside down. His hair is sprawled on the floor, surrounding his head like a halo and there’s a dazed look on his face the longer he’s staring at Lucas, his lips slightly parted. Lucas shakes the weird feeling in the pit of his stomach off and moves back to his bed.

Eliott stands up, threads his fingers through his already dishevelled hair and gently closes the door before turning towards Lucas. Lucas is leaning against the headboard of his bed, his legs stretched out. He knows it’s not very polite to lie in your bed when the guest is over but he can’t find it in himself to care.

Eliott eyes the bed and clears his throat. “Can I?” He points towards the empty space left on the right side of the bed and Lucas feels himself blushing before nodding his head. Outside the context, it’d be weird. But it’s not, right? He’s shared the bed with Yann countless times. It’s not any different.

Eliott joins him and once he’s settled, their shoulders are touching, their legs only inches apart. Lucas feels lightheaded for some reason. More so when he feels Eliott’s eyes on the side of his face.

“So what’s the secret?”

Eliott huffs under his nose and looks straight ahead. “It’ll sound cheap but I know how you feel. Like, not in a sympathetic way, but in the literal one. Last year, I was the centre of the rumours at my old school, too. And among other things, I was outed as well. That’s why I may be taking your situation differently than others? Because it happened to me. I’m not telling you this to shift the focus to myself, but to simply have you know.”

“What happened?” Lucas asks, curious.

“I don’t want to talk about the details. I still can’t. But the word I was in love with that guy got around. He was one of my best friends. And I had a girlfriend at the time so you can imagine it didn’t put me in a good position. Things got out of control. I was easily affected by people’s reactions. I hated myself. It was so bad I stopped going to school, failed exams. I wasn’t myself anymore. That’s why I’m repeating the year. I came back for the first semester but all my friends were gone, my girlfriend too and people didn’t forget. I’d still find nasty things sprayed on my locker. And I was so tired. I changed school, cut ties and started over.” Eliott is breathing unevenly when he tells his story, like it’s weighing down on him. Making it hard to breathe. It’s causing him a lot of pain and maybe that’s what prompts Lucas to reach out for his hand and grab it. Eliott’s breath stutters in that moment, but he doesn’t comment on it so Lucas considers it’s okay to hold him like that. He doesn’t take his hand away. He can feel Eliott brushing his thumb over Lucas’ bandages.

“How are you now?” Lucas asks.

“Better. I’m a nobody to most and I like it. And I’ve got you guys. My whole situation left me so isolated I was scared I wouldn’t find any friends. I’m healing, I think,” Eliott says but he still sounds hollow. Losing everyone and everything isn’t easy to get over with.

“So you suggest I should change schools, too?” Lucas asks meekly.

“No. You have people. I pushed my friends away and ended up alone. You have a support system that will help you get through this. I just want you to know that what I said today, that it’s not the end. It really isn’t. I know exactly what you’re feeling and I’ll be damned if I let you make the same mistakes as I did. There’s a long and bumpy road ahead. It won’t be easy but one day things will be different,” he says, determined and Lucas wants to say something back, but he can’t find any words. Eventually, it’s Eliott who breaks the silence. “By the way, I was thinking. Have you reached out to your mom?” It’s weird how quickly Eliott changes the topic but maybe that’s something they have in common. Lucas can’t take talking about deeper stuff for a long time either. Especially matters that make him feel small. And Lucas thinks that revealing this secret to him must have had a similar effect on Eliott.  

“Not yet,” Lucas mumbles, still overwhelmed by everything Eliott has told him.

“Maybe it’s the right time to do it,” Eliott suggests, squeezing his hand, carefully enough not to cause him pain. Lucas takes a shaky breath and nods.

“Can you stay?” he asks reluctantly and feels Eliott shift ever so slightly. They are still holding hands.

Lucas isn’t sure if he’s asking about now or in general. Maybe both.

“Of course,” Eliott whispers quietly, with no hesitation in his voice and Lucas bites down on his bottom lip.

He’s feeling exposed, but it’s okay because Eliott bared a bit of his soul to him in return.

[prince-claremont-diaz]

Whatever We Become

Summary: In Lucas’ final year of high school before he has to face the real world, he comes across the new identical twins, Eliott and Leo. Needless to say, Lucas falls head over heels for both of them. 

Or The twin au absolutely no one asked for

Word count: 3.1k

Ao3 version

//I’m so sorry for the delay, I just started up school again and I’m already super busy with work. This chapter is a longer one, so hopefully that makes up for it.//

Chapter Fourteen: Let’s go face the beast

The next morning came with strips of light across the bottom of the bed and the distant sound of cars and people passing by the open window. It came with Lucas resting his head on Eliott's chest as he combed his fingers through the soft brown hair. It came with tender kisses and wandering hands, tangled up in the bedsheets.

Lucas was now lying horizontally across the bed, arms hanging over the sides and brushing the floor. Eliott was using his back as a sort of pillow, the stubble of his chin rough against Lucas' shoulder blades. "Do you believe in parallel universes?" Lucas asked, tilting his head sideways on the bed to glance up at Eliott.

Eliott hummed thoughtfully, tracing one of his fingers over Lucas' back in a fluid, feather-light motion. "I don't know. I suppose there's always a possibility," he said, breath tickling the hairs on the back of Lucas' neck. "What about you?"

Lucas nodded, carefully rolling onto his back so he could peer down at Eliott. Eliott shifted slightly into a more comfortable position, watching him with his usual intense blue-grey stare. "I do. Absolutely." Lucas brushed a strand of hair out of Eliott's face. "I like to think that, if there's an infinite amount of universes, I've done everything. Even if I make a mistake in this one, Lucas number 7364 made the right choice and so on.”

"Has Lucas number one made the right choice with me?" Eliott's voice was soft and uncertain, eyes wide and full of a curious and almost apprehensive twinkle.

Lucas smiled. He sat up slightly, pulling Eliott closer by the back of his neck and pressing a chaste kiss against his perfect lips. "Obviously," he whispered, pressing his forehead against Eliott's.

Eliott nodded, though his smile was lacking in its usual glow that would overpower Lucas every time. He pulled back slightly, sitting up and taking a deep breath. Sensing the shift in the atmosphere, Lucas sat up too, pulling his knees to his chest and fixing Eliott with a questioning stare. He could hear the cogs turning in Eliott's head, could almost hear the words dangling on the tip of his tongue. Eliott inhaled heavily, worrying his lip between his teeth.

"There's something I have to tell you."

Lucas swallowed, nodding. "Okay. I'm listening."

Eliott took another deep breath, closing his eyes for a second in a clear effort to calm himself. Whatever it was he wanted to say, it was obviously something important, something serious. Lucas' heart sped up in his chest, thoughts whirring around in his head with all the possibilities. Eliott opened his eyes once again, eyes glassy. "I'm—"

"Eliott, I'm back!" Leo's voice cut through the air, causing Eliott to snap his mouth shut. A second later, Eliott's bedroom door opened to reveal a slightly messier version of Leo Demaury. He was clearly wearing last night's clothes, dressed in blue jeans and a wrinkled colourful button down, a leather jacket clutched in one hand and his brown hair sticking up and in his face.

Upon looking at the two in bed, his eyes bulged and his jacket thudded to the ground. "Shit. S-sorry. I didn't know you were–I should–sorry. I'm–bye," Leo spluttered, face flushed a violent shade of red. As quick as he entered, Leo was grabbing his jacket and stumbling out of the bedroom again, shutting the door behind him.

Eliott squeezed his eyes shut, letting out a surprising amount of air from his nose. Lucas' eyes darted back and forth between Eliott and the door, still stunned at the interruption. Their conversation was shunted to a grinding halt and Lucas had no idea if Eliott would try to pick it back up again. He was still sitting with his eyes shut, scarily frozen.

"Eliott?"

Eliott flopped backwards, head hitting the pillow with a thud and letting out a frustrated groan. He grabbed the other pillow and pressed it into his face before sitting up again. "We should probably go talk to him," Eliott said, dropping the pillow into his lap. Conversation forgotten, clearly.

"Don't you think we—"

"Leo will have brought breakfast. He usually does when he stays out until morning," Eliott interrupted distractedly, clambering out of bed and searching around for a hoodie on his bedroom floor.

"Are you sure?" Lucas asked, watching Eliott pull on his black hoodie over his head.

"Come on. Just–just put something on and let's go face the beast." Eliott waved his hand in Lucas's general direction, dismissive. He bent over to pick up Lucas' shirt from yesterday and tossed it to him. "That should do."

Lucas pulled the shirt on and climbed out of bed, still eyeing Eliott warily. He was much more fidgety than before, eyes going all over the room except for on Lucas, fingers tapping on his thighs and lip tugged between his teeth. "What do you mean by beast? He's not—?" Lucas began to ask before Eliott cut him off again.

"Homophobic? No. Not at all. He was just surprised I think," Eliott replied, reaching for the doorknob. As if he finally felt Lucas' dismay, looking at him again, Eliott added, "Let's go, baby. Please. We'll talk later, okay?" He held out his free hand and Lucas couldn't resist grabbing it and following him out of the room and down the hall and into the kitchen.

What followed was an extremely awkward and mostly silent breakfast in the Demaury kitchen. None of them seemed to want to bring up the very obvious elephant in the room, choosing to eat their respective pastries or bread in uncomfortable silence. When Lucas was finished with his croissant and a cup of coffee, he excused himself with a comment about homework, said he'd see them both later and was out of the flat in less than 10 minutes.

◇

The next afternoon, Lucas was standing on Yann's doorstep in his winter coat and blue hat, knocking on the door with frozen knuckles. Winter had decided to come early that day, waking Lucas up far too early for his liking with a bitter chill. His breath was visible in the air and he knocked once again.

The door swung open another few seconds later and then he was grinning at his best friend. "Lucas! You arrived! Come in, Arthur is already here." Beaming, Yann pulled Lucas inside the house, shutting the door behind them. Lucas heaved a sigh of relief as he was warmed almost instantly from the house's heating system. He toed off his shoes and hung up his coat and hat, following Yann into the living room.

As promised, Arthur was sitting on the couch, eyes glued to the television, controller in hand. Mario Kart was on the screen, Waluigi zooming between the other cars. Upon Lucas' arrival, Arthur said distractedly, "Hey, Lucas. Come and join us." He kept his gaze on the screen, throwing a shell at a passing car. He was in 4th place.

"Wow, I'm so glad I came here to be ignored instead of at the flat," Lucas deadpanned, dropping into the seat beside Arthur and watching him play. Yann, who was sitting in one of the armchairs now, gave him a curious look, tilting his head. "Manon is visiting Charles for some reason and Mika and Lisa are having a 'Say Yes to the Dress' marathon," he explained.

Yann nodded understandingly. A few minutes later, just as Arthur was reaching the last lap, there was another knock at the door. "I'll get it. It's probably Bas," Lucas announced, getting up from his seat and wandering down the hall. He traced his fingers absently along the wall, eyes scanning the various family photos dotted here and there.

When he opened the door, he stumbled back as he came face to face with none other than Eliott. He gave Lucas a sheepish grin, hands tucked into the pockets of his tawny jacket and breath fluttering into the air visibly. He was wearing a black knitted hat and checkered scarf as well. He looked positively gorgeous, as usual.

"Hi."

"Hi."

"Can I maybe come in? It's freezing out here," Eliott asked, gesturing to his general vicinity. His cheeks and nose were brushed with faint pink from the cold.

Lucas stepped aside, letting the other pass him and closed the door behind him. He pointed out the coat rack and said, "Not that I'm complaining, but what are you doing here?"

Eliott finished hanging up his things and turned back to Lucas. His gaze was unreadable."Yann invited me to hang out. Is that okay?" Eliott asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Of course it is," Lucas replied, reaching up to brush his fingers over Eliott's cold pink skin in an effort to warm it up, "It's just–after yesterday. I wasn't sure how you felt and stuff."

Eliott sighed, leaning into Lucas' touch and wrapping his arms around his waist, pulling him closer. "Breakfast was awkward, I'll admit. But I promise I'll tell you soon, okay?" Lucas narrowed his eyes, still sceptical, but allowed the other boy to press a quick kiss to his lips nonetheless. He was only human.

"Lucas, what's taking so long to–oh!" Yann wandered into the hallway, stopping dead at the sight of Lucas and Eliott standing in the hallway together, practically fondling each other. Eliott pulled away abruptly, face growing pink once again. "Alright then. Cool." And then he was hurrying back to the living room.

Seconds later, before Eliott and Lucas had even followed, there was another knock on the door.

Lucas, Eliott and Basile walked into the living room together, all out of their coats. Basile jumped into the spot next to Arthur and Yann on the couch, leaving only the armchair free. Yann eyed Lucas and Eliott as they stood rather awkwardly, both staring at the empty armchair.

"Okay, are you two going to explain or just stand awkwardly for the rest of the day?" Yann blurted, pulling everyone else's attention on him. For once, Arthur even paused the video game to look at his friend curiously.

"Explain what?" Basile asked, looking between Yann and Lucas and Eliott. Arthur nodded in agreement, glancing over at Yann.

"Well, you guys are always teasing us–mainly me–about liking each other…" Lucas started, drawing out his explanation as he looked individually at his three friends. Yann looked expectant and excited, Arthur, who seemed to have already connected the dots looked shocked yet ecstatic while Basile simply looked confused. "Well, he's my boyfriend."

While Lucas had expected the boys to be supportive and even happy for them, what he hadn't expected was for all three of them to shriek in excitement. Yann practically threw himself on the floor, grinning so wide his face was almost split in two while Arthur put his face in his hands and Basile screamed, "Finally!" Laughing at their friends' reactions, Eliott tugged Lucas into him and he pressed a chaste kiss to his collar, rolling his eyes fondly.

"It's about time you guys actually got over yourselves. Seriously, I thought we were going to have to lock you in a room together," Arthur said once they had finally calmed down enough to speak properly again. The other two nodded emphatically.

"Actually, we already kissed a while ago. We just weren't official until yesterday," Eliott explained, draping an arm around Lucas' shoulders and turning to grin excitedly at him.

"A while ago? As in, you guys didn't tell us you kissed a while ago?" Yann looked positively scandalised, hand to his chest, eyes like saucers.

Lucas shrugged. "Didn't see a point if we weren't dating yet," Lucas said nonchalantly. "Shall we get back to gaming?" Lucas pulled Eliott over to the empty armchair and, while Arthur pressed play again, Eliott sat down in the seat. Lucas settled easily onto his lap, draping his legs over one of the arms and turning to the tv. He adamantly ignored the others' gazes.

As the next round began, Arthur and Basile playing each other, Lucas felt someone poking his shoulder. He turned to find Yann looking at him. "I'm happy for you, man. Really."

Lucas smiled. "Thank you," he whispered, smiling bashfully.

"Seriously. I'm glad you've finally found someone you deserve," Yann said, voice low to avoid anyone else overhearing. At a loss for words, Lucas laughed wetly, shaking his head in disbelief at the good people he was surrounded by. Yann slapped him on the back, giving him one last smile before turning his attention to the tv.

"Everything alright?" Eliott whispered, squeezing Lucas tight as he noticed the tears suddenly falling. He wiped one of them off his cheek using the pad of his thumb, touch soft and warm against Lucas’ skin.

"Never better."

◇

The next day in school, Lucas was on his way to math class from the toilets, only half watching where he was going as he read through the group chat with the boys. He was so busy rolling his eyes at a terrible attempt at a joke from Basile that he didn't see someone coming his way as he started to turn into the maths classroom. In seconds, Lucas was slamming into someone's chest, stumbling backwards onto the ground with a muttered 'fuck' and his phone was flying through the air.

"Oh, shit. Sorry, Lu." Lucas looked up from the ground to find Leo standing over him. "Lemme help," he said, offering one of his hands to Lucas. Lucas took it gratefully, allowing the taller boy to yank him to his feet. Lucas thanked him, going over to pick up his phone from where it had landed a few feet away. Thankfully, there was only a small crack in the screen.

Lucas and Leo made their way into the classroom together now, sitting next to each other and taking out their stuff in silence. There was an air of awkwardness still hovering between them after the other day, a muddled tension.

It was Lucas who broke their stalemate, a few minutes into the lesson when they were supposed to be discussing their homework. "Listen, about the other day…" he began, putting his pencil on the table. His voice drifted off with uncertainty, eyes roving around the room in search of the right words, as if his maths class would give him the answers.

Leo interrupted him with a shake of his head. "It's fine, Lucas. I didn't see you naked or anything, at least."

"So you don't care?"

"About what?"

"Like, that I'm dating your brother. That I'm a guy." Lucas whispered the last sentence, glancing sideways as if it was some dirty secret to be kept. His face flushed.

Leo snorted, an absurd grin on his face. "Lucas, of course I don't care. So do I," Leo said, laughing slightly as though he found Lucas' assumption absurd. "Did I give you the impression that I'd mind? Because if so, I'm so sorry."

Lucas shook his head. "Not really. I was just worried in general," Lucas said, smiling sincerely. After a brief silence in which they both looked at the board to see whatever their teacher was droning on about, Lucas spoke up again. "I, uh, didn't know you were gay."

"I'm not, actually. Bi. Eliott's pan and I'm bi. It was a lot for our parents to wrap their heads around as we both came out at pretty much the same time." He chuckled once he finished his explanation, shaking his head. "But they're fine with it. Don't worry. They just didn't get the difference at first."

Lucas nodded in understanding, trying to process the information he was getting from Leo. He didn't care that Lucas and Eliott were dating. He didn't care that they were dating and that Lucas was a boy. He liked boys.

Leo leaned over and whispered in Lucas' ear, "Don't worry, I'm sure they'll love you." Lucas' face burned scarlet and he turned to his neglected work, completely at a loss for words. Leo chuckled at his friend's blush, patting him teasingly on the arm and turning to his own work.

◇

Lucas and Imane were walking together out of biology class, followed by a very amused Arthur and Alexia, bickering about Lucas’ diagram, which Imane thought looked terrible, when they came across Eliott just outside the door. They all stopped to say hello, Lucas pausing the argument with one last glare at Imane before turning to Eliott with a smile.

“Can I talk to you for a minute?” Eliott asked, jutting his chin away from the rest of their friends.

“Go ahead,” Lucas said, “See you guys later.” Eliott beamed, taking Lucas’ hand and dragging him away while waving goodbye to their friends. He pulled Lucas into a corner at the end of a hallway, glancing over at their friends still talking near the classroom. “What did you want to talk to me about?” Lucas asked after standing in silence for a few seconds.

“I still feel bad about the other day when Leo interrupted us. I really want to explain, but I just haven’t had the chance to yet and it’s not really something I can explain over text or something,” Eliott said, looking at the floor and then back at Lucas.

Lucas shook his head, reaching up to brush his thumb over Eliott’s cheek. His heart skipped a beat as Eliott leaned slightly into the touch, smile brightening. “It’s okay. I understand, Eliott.” Lucas’ voice was soft as a summer breeze, gracing Eliott with his own smile.

“Well, to make amends, I thought I could take you on a date this weekend. Something chill but out of the flats,” Eliott said. Lucas raised his eyebrows, squeezing Eliott’s hand that he was still holding. Eliott looked around and then leaned in closer to whisper, “Somewhere we won’t be interrupted by Leo again.”

Lucas’ face burned, taking a deep breath. “Like what?” he asked, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively and tilting his head back to look at Eliott through his lashes.

Eliott shrugged. “I don’t know. Let me think about it and I’ll let you know.” Lucas’ grin widened, winking and pulling Eliott closer by his lower back. The bell rang for their next class and Lucas groaned, pouting. “I have to get to my next class, but I’ll see you soon, yeah?” Lucas nodded. Eliott grinned, taking hold of Lucas’ cheeks and kissing him chastely a few times before hurrying away to his next class, barely keeping from running into a wall in his haste.

Lucas sighed, watching him go and making his own way to his next class.

//I’m so sorry for the delay, I just started up school again and I’m already super busy with work. This chapter is a longer one, so hopefully that makes up for it.//

[ninja-muse]

David Bowie Made Me Gay - Darryl W. Bullock

In brief: A history of the last century of LGBT music and musicians, with digressions into the wider context of queer history.

Thoughts: I am deeply conflicted about this book. On the one hand, it’s an important document, in that I haven’t seen anyone tackle the topic and there’s a lot to be learned and a lot to be inspired by. On the other, Bullock is writing from an older and less than current understanding of some queer identities (see warnings below) and outright omits any queer identity that isn’t L, G, B, or T. On the third, the book frequently gets bogged down in details such as record sales; assumes nerd level knowledge by, say, mentioning genres without defining them or assuming you know that band; and is just poorly edited enough that it can be hard to track who’s doing what to who when.

Oh, and if you’re looking for major icons like Bowie, Mercury, and John, they’re footnotes. I personally am okay with this because they have their own bios and the book largely exists to lift lesser known people into the limelight, but at the same time, I was disappointed that they featured as little as they did because they were still inspirations and important people and, well, Bowie is in the title.

Bullock’s done a very good job of covering his topic, though. All the queer musicians I knew of were mentioned, from Billy Tipton to Sister Rosetta Tharpe to k.d. lang (but not MIKA, now that I think of it), and a lot of musicians I’d never heard of or never knew were queer also feature. He also lists songwriters and music executives and the whole gamut of genres, from jazz to rock to folk to country to rap to musicals, and also mentions songs with queer content that weren’t by queer artists. After a few chapters, I started looking up songs and musicians on Youtube and adding them to a playlist that I’m still working through a few weeks later. There’s some pretty good music out there.

I also liked that he tells enough history of the wider queer community, the music industry, and the wider culture in general that you get context for how music and the world was changing. When did drag start and why? Why did disco become a gay thing? How did Stonewall and AIDS change things? Plus there’s discussion of lesbians and feminist folk festivals, of glam rock pairing gay flamboyance, of forgotten independent albums that have been rediscovered because of the internet, of the ups and downs in one’s ability to be out over time, of hooking up with people in bars.

And I appreciate that even though Bullock is very anglophone-focused, he’s made at least some effort to mention musicians and music from outside the English-speaking world and outside Europe. There’s not much, granted, but it’s there. He’s also up front about how some genres or countries are so homophobic that you can’t get a sense of the queer music history there because everyone is still closeted.

So, content-wise, apart from the infodump problem, I enjoyed this. I learned a lot and think it’s an important window into queer history that I’m kind of boggled has only been written now. As I said, there’s a lot to be inspired by, a lot of people being queer in their music and out despite the repercussions, and a definite sense that yes, queer people have always been here and better, they helped found whole genres. I’d certainly rec it to music lovers and people into queer history, even despite Bullock’s sporadically blinkered attitude towards identities and the other aforementioned problems, for that reason—but I cannot rec it without those warnings, which are also why this is not a 7.5 out of 10.

To bear in mind: Bullock appears at times to understand bisexuality as an undecided, questioning, or hedging identity and is definitely okay with misgendering and deadnaming trans musicians only to mention partway through the section that actually they are a man/woman. Similarly, he uses “transsexual”, seems to believe that people who’ve undergone surgery are more trans than those who haven’t, and defines “asexual” as genderless and sexually harmless. On another note, because this is a history of queer people and queer culture, any and all traumas that the community has faced appear, ranging from slurs and homophobic statements to gay bashings and the AIDS crisis. There is also a chapter that prominently features TERF musicians and TERF-friendly feminist spaces, but which also makes it quietly clear they’re harmful and not okay.

6.5/10

[flying-elliska]

The transformation of Lucas Lallemant pt 1 : Hell Week.

Skam OG S3  can be more or less divided in three acts, and this is even more obvious in Skam France, which has a more...dramatic style of storytelling, let’s say. Act I : Lucas meets Eliott, struggles with his internalized homophobia, develops feelings, ends with Eliott’s apparent betrayal. Act II : Lucas is isolated, struggles, finally comes out to his friends and to the world, Eliott and Lucas reunite. Act III is what’s yet to come, the revelation of Eliott’s MI, possibly elements related to Lucas’ parents and religion, and the resolution. 

I want to take a look at Act II as a unit and the essential character developpment that takes place within it, starting from the disastrous party scene at the end of Vendredi 19h21 and ending with the paint scene in Vendredi 18h34, because this is really where we can see Lucas’s arc pivot, as he is left alone to confront himself, and the nuance with which it was done is incredible in terms of storytelling. 

Fair warning, it’s going to be a long one. 

Vendredi 19h21 : Fête de trop 

It has been pointed out by many that, whereas Isak and Martino punched into bushes and garbage cans during this scene, Lucas hurts himself until his knuckles are bloody. He’s angry at the world for sure, getting in a fight with his friends, but it’s ultimately himself he blames - for having feelings, for caring, for thinking he had a chance with Eliott, for being attracted to a boy, for wanting a family that supports him, for wanting to be loved. Chloe possibly outing him by yelling Lucas is gay in a crowd, Arthur joking about his family, Eliott kissing a girl - it brings all his worst pains and fears to a head, and things he’s been repressing for the longest time just boil over, in the shape of rage and inarticulate despair. He punches his hand into the wall because he cannot speak, cannot think, cannot do anything else. It’s violence and self-harm as a symptom of powerlessness. The look on his face at the end I read as him being totally overwhelmed.

 In the background the song talks about partying to pretend to be alright - but emptiness and chaos catch on eventually. It’s ironic in a sense because the singer is talking about glitter and kissing boys in public, things Lucas very much shies away from, but in the end the result is the same, loneliness and alienation. The association of the two brings up very old themes in queer culture, specifically things gay men have had to deal with - feeling adrift, disconnected from family and people and feelings, internalized hatred, self-harm, feeling like you have nowhere to go, putting on a happy face even when you’re spiralling out, partying as a substitute for connection, and what happens when the facade breaks. At the same time, the drop after excess can have a revelatory effect. 

Even if it’s painful, this scene is necessary and kickstarts the part of his journey where he is facing his fears on his own. The hurt is a recognition of what is happening to him and how important it is. 

Lundi 08h52 : Scared but doing it anyway

That's the definition of courage.  With his bandaged hand and the slow opening, as he puts his hoodie up, he looks like a boxer stepping into the ring. Lighting is at its most overcast, blue-tinted, dark and depressing. This clip is heartbreaking, bringing Lucas's worst fears to the light. Being mocked and ostracized, turned into a vulgar joke, having been played for a fool. 

Fear number one. He sees his friends laughing at him. Lucas is a character with huge abandonment issues, understandably. As his familial situation went sideways and his sense of self was put in turmoil, he’s relied on the normalcy of his friendgroup to keep him afloat, going to great lengths to preserve their view of him - even declaring love to a girl he feels nothing for. Them laughing would feel like the ground disappearing under his feet. 

Fear number two. We can see Alex mimicking a blowjob. Through his rant to Mika about dick shaped confetti or his reaction to “Krindr” dick picks, we can see that he seems to be uneasy when it comes to the overly sexual way the gay community is often presented. And homophobic jokes and behavior tends to be overly sexual too, reducing gayness to a series of sexual acts presented as disgusting, instead of the whole love, identity and culture aspects (not that there is anything wrong with gay sexuality in itself, but when it’s reduced to only that, it would be understandable he has issues with it, especially for a teenager who’s just discovering things, belying the cliché that all men are naturally horndogs.) He's afraid of his intimate feelings and process of discovery becoming a vulgar joke, that’s very understandable. 

Fear number three. Eliott looking at him smugly. Basically confirming that he’s a player,  that this very special connection they had, something that allowed Lucas to open up and be vulnerable and artistic and bold, and muse about alternate universes and play the piano and feel comfortable enough to be happy kissing another boy - was a lie. Eliott doesn’t care and now he’s able to be on the side of the bullies because to him - like the cliché “bisexuality” Lucas had in mind talking to the girls - his attraction to boys is just a fun side piece, he can just go back to his girlfriend afterwards, whereas Lucas can’t. He’s “stuck being gay” and he’s failed at maintaing a straight façade. 

To close it off, there’s Chloé, fulfilling the narrative purpose of a ticking clock and a reminder of Lucas’ failure at straightness and imminent outing. This of course, is not really happening, but this paranoia is very typical of being a closeted queer person, of constantly having to wonder who is going to love you anyway and who is going to reject you because even when your people are mostly liberal and tolerant, there is no way to really know because of how deep homophobia is rooted in our society (see my meta about French humor). It really is Schodinger’s unconditional love. 

And then there’s Daphné. This is the first of several ‘tonal breaks’ in this arc, in which the angst is cut with moments of levity, randomness and wacky jokes that seem a little out of place but do serve a purpose narratively and in terms of themes. In this one, she goes out of her way to praise Lucas’ masculinity. It wouldn’t surprise me she already heard rumors, going from the alarmed look on her face, and wants to reassure Lucas he is still a man in her eyes. Daphné is an interesting character to do this. Because she has little brain to mouth filter, she tends to say stupid things and offend people, but at the same time, she can break through people’s walls and isolation - the foyer, meant to bring different people together, is a symbol of this. She’s a key representative of Skam’s central theme of people being flawed, able to learn, and of -trying and reaching out, even with mixed results, being a super important thing. Therefore, it’s interesting she’s the first to reach Lucas in this difficult phase, and this will happen again later. At the same time her words about defenseless women needing a strong man is a reminder of the overwhelming clichés about gender roles that make Lucas’ life so difficult. 

Lundi 14h03 : Ennemies and Allies

Chloe's threat of outing Lucas whenever she wants gives the whole episode a feeling of urgency. She is extremely hurt and he can’t catch her, either physically or symbolically. She’s a loose cannon, and her holding Lucas’ outing hostage as revenge feels very violent. It's not clear that anybody knows yet, but she could take Lucas's choice from him any time now. His harsh and terrified words (”I’m not a f*g”) illustrate the level of denial he is trying to stay in as it’s slipping away from him, the powerlessness he feels. The scene taking place in PE class with people throwing balls at one person standing in a goal reinforces the overal symbolism of being put on the spot. 

On the opposite side, Yann's reminder of support sets up what happens later. He wants to be there for Lucas, but he’s also been hurt by his silence. He doesn’t want the squad to be Lucas’ punching ball if he can’t verbalize. 

Mardi 13h08 : Miscommunication. 

Eliott is trying to make a joke about the time they met and he couldn’t chose what to get from the vending machine ; Lucas interprets it as him saying he wants both Lucas and his gf, and he responds harshly. Lucas is pretty much standing up for himself here, as painful as it is. He signals to Eliott he's not game to just forgive and forget, to do as if what happens didn't matter. Him alluding to a choice that Eliott needs to make - there's still a sliver of hope there though, as agonizing as it seems.

Lucas not finding a place to sit and leaving the canteen represents his worst fears about coming out - being left alone. It’s a classic high school story trope, not knowing at which table to sit, eg. not fitting in anywhere, so he chooses not to feed himself. (Again, hurting himself). 

Mercredi 13h37 : Sorting through your old shit

This moment of levity after the heavy angst serves as a reminder that life, whether you are ready for it or not, goes on. It’s also the second time that the show subverts horror tropes - first in the first kiss scene for romantic purposes, here for comedic purposes with the creepy dolls everywhere and the guy with an axe. The theme is that things that look scary at first often aren’t, and can even bring unexpected gifts. The overall scene doesn’t have much impact on the plot, but it can symbolize several things - the need to do away with the messy things of the past (like all the shit in the shop and internalized homophobia), giving things that are still useful a new place where they can be better appreciated (the couch is a metaphor for Lucas being gay lmao), the difficulty of dealing with grief and your baggage alone and the need for outside help (like the shopkeeper who can’t get rid of his brother’s things), the importance of playfulness and unexpected gifts (table football). 

The girls opening up about their dating woes puts Lucas’ struggles in the larger context of teenage boys being trash, normalizing what he goes through. On the other hand, again, Daphne’s comments and Imane’s joke show that the girl squad have their own problems with gender clichés. Manon denouncing them marks her as a safe place for Lucas, as well as her going through the deeper kind of turmoil of love troubles. 

Lundi 01h48 : In the abyss

The scene is dark and drenched in blue light, giving it an oceanic, almost submarine vibe. This is Skam taking full advantage of its real time format, showing the story at a time where viewers are very likely to be in the same state of exhaustion and half-consciousness as the characters. 

Even though he doesn't show it much, Lucas is a deeply caring character. He's just been extremely burned out, possibly by his family situation, and what happened with Eliott. And yet, it's still there. We can see it here in how he comforts Manon, trying to be stoic, but it's getting to him in the end. Compassion is often much easier to extend to others than to yourself. He might punish himself for feeling too much, but he would never do that to Manon. 

This scene is, to me, the most pivotal moment of the season yet along with the piano scene : they're moments where we see Lucas's soul come to the surface. And as vulnerability is key to the plot, those moments of openness really move things along. The piano scene was Lucas letting out his more passionate, artistic, sensitive side ; this moment is more raw and ugly, about what lies beneath the anger, the despair of caring too much. And yet there is beauty and relief in owning it. In this particular context the shell of anger Lucas protects himself with is meaningless - it’s just the utter loneliness of the night and two people who are broken and lost. Manon is also from a broken home of sorts, she’s also been given a lot of reasons to give up on love. The fact that they’re able to share this intimacy of letting themselves feel like that, at a moment where words are beyond them, is however a sign that they’re not giving up. They’re feeling the feelings, as painful as it is, and they have a witness. It’s beautiful. 

Vendredi 09h14 : Exhaustion

Lucas's body is basically close to giving up on him. He can front all he wants, but he's still only human. So he goes to see the school nurse for insomnia. He thinks maybe if he can solve the physical problem, maybe get pills, he can go back to being tough and pretending nothing is wrong. The nurse’s answer - not exposing himself to any screens or blue light before sleeping - is laughably unadapted to his problems, which in turn makes the idea that Lucas can solve his problems this way ridiculous as well.

The nurse is a mess - is she cheating on her actual husband there ? Why is she talking about her (murder)fantasies to a student ? Teacher’s back acne ? She illustrates that adults still have problems (again, normalizing what Lucas goes through) and that life in general is messy and you need people on your side who can be there even though you are going through ugly, difficult things. Lucas cannot talk to her, they’re not on the same wavelength at all, but there’s still someone he can talk to. The medecine is not pills, it’s human support and trust. 

Vendredi 17h05 : Trust issues 

This clip is very painful to watch. 

First Eliott’s drawing. At this point in the story it feels like a cruel joke. This guy played him, and now he’s talking about destiny ? Lucas really bought into the whole Polaris thing, we could see he was starving for a real connection, and maybe he thinks Eliott is using that against him, tugging on the heartstrings like a true artsy fuckboi. At the same time, the loneliness that emanates from the drawing is heartbreaking for us, who know what’s up with Eliott. 

Lucas decides to go talk to Yann. That’s his destiny. I thought he was going to walk up to Eliott for a moment, the filming is deliberately ambiguous, but no. In a way, he’s choosing himself, deciding to bring stability to his life by opening up to the guy who’s been his main support system for years : Yann. And he lays it all on the table - his problems with his family, his insomnia, the mess with Chloe, the difficulty talking, having a crush of sorts for Yann, falling in love with Eliott. He’s so brave. He banks on his ability to trust Yann, he wants to believe he’ll be there for him. He’s finally coming out to someone on his own terms, with clear words. 

It doesn’t work. Now, I never believed Yann was homophobic - his face only shuts down when Lucas starts talking about all the people who already know. But after Lucas’ slow, painful journey towards opening up, it feels like a bucket of ice water in the face. However, it is thematically appropriate. 

This story arc tries to balance two concepts very delicately : on one side, as a teenager it’s important to realize that you’re not as alone as you think, not alone struggling. On the other hand, both internalized homophobia and French culture’s latent homophobia (that makes people do shitty things even though they’re not homophobic at heart, without realizing it) make this process of teenage alienation vs self discovery and acceptance, a thousand times more painful than it needs to be. Ending the episode on this note signifies that the struggle is real, that however brave you might be, sometimes the world is going to try and slap you down anyway. Thankfully, the story doesn’t end there, but for Lucas, this is the bottom of the pit. As his instagram post says ‘god needs your lifeboat as an ashtray’. Sometimes your best efforts mean nothing. This seems like a very pessimistic and cruel conclusion but I believe it’s an important beat in the story, recognizing that sometimes things go wrong through no fault of your own. It’s the system that is to blame, that has not given the tools to Yann to react properly and for the both of them to communicate better and for Lucas to accept who he is and not hurt people around him in order to hide. They’ve gone the road of validation over comfort and I think it’s a very interesting choice. (Even though I can also understand people who needed a more positive message and were hurt by this). But like a lot of queer people, I’ve had my share of half-botched coming outs and it’s important to show how you come back from that. 

...

So in a nutshell : this week, we bear witness to the slow death of Lucas’ tough, uncaring, player straight guy facade. His feelings have reached a boiling point, and he can’t ignore them any longer, it’s taking a toll on his body and isolating him from his friends. The moments of levity serve to dedramatize and normalize what Lucas goes through, encouraging him to reach out, while at the same time, the show takes his pain and fear seriously, by showing the minute toll it takes on his health and the less than ideal reaction of the people around him. However, through it all, he finds the courage to keep facing his feelings and opening up. He is staring his worst fears in the face - abandonment, ostracization, having his feelings used against him - and he still manages to choose trust. Eliott might have been a catalyst, but in the end he chooses to do what’s right for himself. He talks, even though it’s almost a moment of symbolic death, but the transformation can take root from there. Honesty is grueling sometimes, but it’s still necessary.  It’s better than letting the lie ruin your health and your relationship, better than hurting yourself in an attempt to push down the truth, better than violent powerlessness or night time devastation. Lucas is so good at wearing a mask, but how he reacts in this crisis is revelatory of his own deepest need for change and love. 

In short, I love this character with the intensity of a thousand suns and even though it's super painful I love that we got to go on this journey with him.

Thank you for reading this monster of a post, and see you next time for pt 2 : Acceptance ! 

[nolitetebastardescarborundorum]

What I like and dislike about each Skam Version:

The order is when I watched them. Which is basically the same order when they came out since I watch clip for clip live with every version since the evak cuddle clip 3 years ago. I won't point out things twice if a remake did it exactly the same. For example the blackmailing of Noora. Disliked it in the og, ditto with every other version. Another disclaimer: I don't have a favorite version since no one was perfect from first to last season. Different versions have different favorite seasons for me.

What I loved about the og 🇳🇴: The complete different format of a show with the clips, social media, roughly camera work that made it look like a reality show or documentary. The actors being the age of their characters and not all being thin, beautiful models. The pov and seing the boring aspects of life too. All the casual parties. The music and the whole russbus culture. In general getting to know so much about other cultures that I didn't thought about before for even a minute. Eva standing up for herself and breaking up with Jonas. Penetrator Chris as the comic relief, he may be a fuckboy, but he is isn't sexist or homophobic, his one liners are iconic. A normal reaction to Isak being gay and Evak actually getting an happy ending and a proper love scene like any hetero couple gets. Eskilds gay pride speech, it made me rethink my own mindset, as well as Sanas line about hate doesn't come from religion, it comes from fear and her whole conversation with yousef about religion. The guys helping Isak get back his man and Magnus hilarious questions, but also his helpful advice. Everything in the scene with Eva's 18th birthday. Even singing imagine. The cuddle clip, literally my favorite clip in all the versions, the spiderman kiss and the universe talk. Yousana love shown without any touching. The girls picking up Sana with the los losers bus. The ballon squads YouTube channel. How sweet and protective Elias was about Sana. 5 fine frøkner! Kosegruppa. If I could chose I would want a season for Magnus and Penetrator Chris.

What I disliked: Jonas treating Eva like she's stupid. Everything with William pretty much, starting with his non existent personality to blackmailing Noora, dissing Vilde, not listening after the SA happening etc. Nooras completely change in attitude from feminist to falling for the fuckboy and betraying your friend, also, ik most of the fans love it, her speeches, the one at William and also the one at Nicolai, it was just too long and arrogant to me sorry, I don't thought yes queen, I more thought yeah okay we got it already. The lack of communication with literally everyone. Vilde being so judgemental. Eva 'stealing' Jonas. Even not being able to speak for himself about his MI. The hate against Sonja, yes her saying Even can't love was fucked up, but her outrage and pain was more than understandable for me. The call your gf scene, idk it just makes me uncomfortable and I just felt bad for the girls. The whole show basically revolving around Noora in every season and her amount of screen time. Chris and Emma in the end, a huge wtf that made no sense and came out of nowhere, as well as Jonas and Eva's suddenly reunion.

What I loved about 🇮🇹: Be aware that I'm biased since Italy is my favorite country since childhood. I love everything about it. Landscapes, food, clothes, cars, the men^^ and ofc the language and names. First and foremost the cinematography. Also the music. All the girls being pretty as fuck. I feel like they where more mature too, but that goes for the boys and Eduardo too. Elia being there since season 1. The skating shenanigans. Martino and Eva being the closest version of this friendship (which is why I hope they continue this in the next season and make them close again, not going for the best buds). Their parents being more involved. Edoardo not insulting Silvia. Giovanni constantly cursing and gesturing like the true Italian that he is. Ofc the bromance in s2, that was what the season was all about for me more than the romance (reason in the dislikes), how they all cared for each other, had actual conversations, were with marti everywhere and always supported him. Gio being the best friend ever and constantly checking in on marti. How all the boys and edos rich gang stood up for marti against the homophobes, I never cheered so loud during a clip istg. The man, the myth, the legends Chico roddi :D. Eduardos soft side, when he played creep or cried when Eleonora could tell him herself what happend. The way they merged the squads together and all hang out boys and girls and also Filippo. Filippo and Eleonora being siblings and literally everything that fillipo does, his sassyness is unmatched. Cute Short king luca, carefree elia. Seriously I could write novels about this boy squad. Their parties and how they do them at 9pm during business days. Guardami Martino! 😂 If I could chose I would want a Gio and Fillipo season.

What I disliked: The darkness, especially s2 although it looked romantic a lot of times. The way Gio kisses, listen I love him with all my heart but he looks like he wants to eat faces or lick them like a dog 😂. I couldn't get into Niccolò, he never grew on me, came of kinda cold and the chemistry between the actors compared to the other versions isn't that great imo. It also has the only Sana I don't like and don't care for her season. It's not bc of the controversy about the actress. She just comes of rude in the show and also has way too less scenes to get excited for her pov, Her relationship with Marti is also non existent. The lack of social media and texts. Some of the actors looking way too old.

What I loved about 🇫🇷: The many changes of season 3. The piano scene with literally heart eyes. Eliott being the biggest dork. Eliott being able to express his feelings about his MI. Eliott saying it's not a girl. The rain kiss. Lucas being a major cutie. His relationship with the girls and Manon in particular. How they helped Daphne with the room. That we get an Arthur season, he's my favorite Madhi. How happy they were when Lucas came out and how they cheered everytime they saw Eliott. The elu social media content. Yann apologizing for his behavior and comments in the past. The hedgehog and racoon personas. Imans dad. Alexia and Arthur becoming a thing. The bts and Interviews, especially the attentive Maxel friendship.

What I disliked: The first two seasons being 1:1 copy from the og, I only watched them bc I had a close french friend when it aired. The whole Charles shit in s3&4. The acoustic music often being a bit to on the nose, like the music before a jumpscare in horror movies, for example the common room meeting, it was so obvious they would fall in love. S3 of France is probably my favorite version of this season, but it is like a dramatic romcom movie and felt less realistic compared to the others and the og. Emma is super bland and kinda dumb. Mika being super rude to Lucas. The disrespect against iman. Sofiane actually dating Manon.

What I loved about Druck 🇩🇪: (Also biased since I am german) Jonas sweetness. Hans is hilarious. Jonas and Hannah reunion. Kiki turning into the sweetest. The girl squad being really close. The boy squad being dumbasses. The change of Alex and showing his anxiety. Kiki and Carlos being a wholesome couple. The changes and extra content. Amira and Mohammeds softness. Their sm game.

What I disliked: The dialogue sounds very cringey to me and super scripted. The Mia actress looks like she doesn't like to kiss Alex at all, no chemistry and no love to be seen for me. Mia being arrogant in general. That Amira had only 7 episodes and Mia extra concent for her boring relationship. I never could get into Matteo much, he was to much of a sloth to me, let everything just happen and while that may be realistic, it's for the viewer pretty boring. I also couldn't get into David much, we knew barely nothing about him for most of the time and then he was absent for like 3 weeks straight. Davenzi also came of as more like best friends to me as an couple in love, they were cuter in s4. Unrelated to the plot or show, but the druck stans that feel super entitled and superior.

What I loved about 🇪🇸: The made subtle changes from the start. Lucas coming out to Eva and not being a snake. Jorge being the softest Jonas and not lying about weed. The girl squad being the closest and cutest with another, as well as the boys and them being a mega squad since s1, way less inner group drama and the friendships in this versions are just super wholesome to me and my favorite girl squad. Also my favorite amira, she wants to adopt everyone and they all care and respect her religion and I have high hopes for her season. Their parties. Also the remake with the most sm content and texts. The only P Chris version that comes nearly close to the og, being sassy, charismatic and having hella sexual chemistry with eva. The fact that also my favorite chris got her own season, that they changed it to a wlw plot that was displayed tastefully and not overly sexualized. The portray of having borderline, being shown how it really is. Lucas having an Youtube channel and how supportive his boys reacted and how tender him and Jorge are, I can't stretched enough how much I love and stan attentive, genuine male friendships without toxic masculinity. Hugo being an absolute sweat heart since his first appearance, not being petty or mad with Cris and just being a true friend. If I could chose I would want a season about Lucas and Amira.

What I disliked: Alejandro looks like 14 to me and I'm not keen on seeing this plot for the 8th time. Viri and Cris clothes a lot of times, Ik they dress like teenagers these days do, but it just looks horrendous to me sry. Them stretching out the story between Cris and Joana so much and breaking them up like 5 times.

What I loved about wtfock 🇧🇪: I just started with season 3 live, because I couldn't get into the characters when the first clips of s1 dropped. I later binged s2 and watched some key clips of s1.

They changed many things for the better. First and foremost Senne, him being supportive of Zoë, a good flat mate and encouraging dad friend. Zoë giving him way more of a hard time and making him work for it. Robbe moving into the flatshare and becoming bff with Zoë. Not breaking up Zoenne and making Senne an important character in s3 as not only Zoës boyfriend. Sander! I love his whole art hoe - e boy brand, his music taste, his clothes, hair, how reckless he is, his blant flirting. Robbe being an absolute baby ™ and clingy af. The Willems chemistry is unmatched in the skam universe. Yasmina is so fucking pretty and intelligent. Rosanders date. Milan being sooo cute and Robbe having confidence in him and them being genuinely friends. I could swoon over the found family in the flatshare 24/7 and wish I could live with them. Robbes dad asking if Sander is a vegetarian. Luca & Noor shading Moyo. Noor having a personality besides being naïve and a beard for the Isak. Robbe caring about his mom.

What I disliked: Senne starting of as the worst William with his bracelets and showing around Ambers nudes. Ambers rudeness in general. The boys talking only about girls and totally ignoring Robbe for 6 weeks straight, especially Jens. Moyos sexist and homophobic comments and behavior. Clips and drama with no explanation or follow ups, brushed off or rushed scenes. The gay bashing and robbes slurs, them turning everything into drama for drama sake. For multiple weeks only clips that were either total drama or happy clips with no normal daily life. Exaggerating the robbe and noor make outs. No Sander the first 2 weeks. The lack of answeres from Sander and questions from Robbe, brushed of with one liners. Barely any texts.

[smileykeijser]

hey if you don't mind saying what are your reason for not enjoying skam france? cause ibwas really enjoying it up until a but past half way and then i just stopped and im tryna figure out what .if it have been the reason(sl

I’m mostly going to talk about season 3 here because from what I’ve seen the first two seasons were just copies of the original and didn’t have much problems apart from that.

This got super long so it’s under the cut.

Problems in the actual show:

I found Maxence to be extremely unrealistic as a 19 year old, he looked way too old and it broke the spell for me. I know Rocco was also way too old, but they did a much better job making him look like a realistic high schooler, Maxence never sold me which made it hard to believe the show. I saw a similar problem with Michel being cast as Charles because as sweet as he is, he looks nothing like a high schooler so it didn’t seem realistic. Both Maxence and Michel are super sweet guys they just didn’t fit into the show.

The entire season felt cartoonish to me. Sure there were some really great moments but overall the new characters and the atmosphere of the whole show felt cringy and cartoonish to me which made it unenjoyable.

The way they had Basile and Daphne end up together was awful. I know they were trying to do a whole redemption thing with Basile but he was terrible all season long, and not in a douchey boy way like in Skam NL where you don’t like them because of how realistically awful they’re acting, he just seemed like a terrible attempt at a comedic character that was the cringiest part of the season. Then he kept approaching Daphne even though it was blatantly clear she had zero interest in him, and yet when he finally stepped away they decided that she would just flip on a dime and figure out she liked him because he acted decently one time? Ugh she deserves better.

There were certain things that didn’t really come through in the end that I didn’t like. Mika treated Lucas so poorly at the beginning, but there was never any sort of resolution where Mika apologized or they mended their problems, I mean, Lucas got kicked out of his bedroom in his new apartment when Manon came back, that’s a super shitty thing to do. And the whole thing with Yann not accepting Lucas as gay and making Lucas feel like shit only to reverse that plot point and not do anything of substance with it made me feel like they were harsh just to be harsh and to say they were, instead of actually making it a part of the season, which they could have done and it would have been really impactful.

I also just didn’t particularly enjoy Elu, they didn’t really click with me and therefore season 3 was hard to enjoy.

Outside of the show:

I found the whole thing so unlike Skam in the commercialization of the season. There was so much bts content and direct information right from the writers and director, and the amount of interview content they released all the time was just so much and broke the bubble. It almost felt like they never wanted there to be a moment without some sort of new content that could be gushed over, and when the outside world of Skam becomes too intwined with the show it doesn’t work for me. It felt like the promotion that I would see from the CW or Freeform here in North America where the actors are as essential to the process as the actual show, when in the og the show took full focus and most of the remakes are creating that atmosphere in some way shape or form. Skam Italia has had some events where the cast does panels or talks to the fans but it didn’t irk me as much because it didn’t feel like the actor content was everywhere on the official channels.

I think that the Skam France fandom has the highest percentage of fetishizers and real life shippers out of all the remakes and it makes the fandom sometimes feel much younger than the rest of the remakes and much less inviting. I’ve also seen a fair few people in the fandom be really hostile to people who dislike the season, calling them homophobic or saying that they don’t have real friends of their own so they don’t know what support looks like. This is not the entire fandom but it makes an impact when you see those types of things.

Overall, it’s not the remake for me, but I respect the many people who enjoy it!

[pressedonjess]

act 1 scene 1

In small towns you should be mindful of what you could become known for. If you want to become known for anything at all, that is. It’ll definitely happen if you want it to. It’ll probably happen if you don’t. Did you slip in the rain one time while running for the bus? Congrats, now every time you go outside in the rain, someone is going to yell ‘Watch your step!’ or ‘Hey, be careful now!’ with that annoyingly cheerful smile, maybe the odd finger gun. Of course, small townsfolk can have a selective memory when it comes to what they know about you, or at least what they’ll shout at you in the street. Have a month’s-long torrid affair with the neighbor’s husband, completely wreck two families and end up living in the one motel in town for weeks? They’ll all remember, but the judgemental looks will stop after a year or so has gone by. God forbid you ever fall flat on your ass in public though.

Jesse Preston was a torrid love affair and a slapstick public fall wrapped into one.

Or at least she felt that way. Ever since sophomore year before her first day at a new school, where the kids her age had grown up with one another since pre-k. Penelope Preston had sat her daughter down that Sunday night before school, told her

‘Everyone’s gonna be watching. Doesn’t matter whether you stick with the crowd or cartwheel down the hall. They’re gonna see you either way. But you get to choose what they see.’

Penny Preston was cheesy as hell, but she’d never been one of those stage moms you see on Toddlers and Tiaras or whatever. Penny always encouraged her children to be themselves and to be loud about it. Both of her kids were super queer to some degree, and she had provided them with an environment where there hadn’t been a need for a nerve-wracking ‘coming out’ event. They just were. Mika Preston blamed the regular viewings of Rent for their gayness.

Of course, fifteen-year-old Jesse Preston chose to ‘cartwheel’. Terrified though she may have been, Jesse let her blonde curls go as big as they wanted, stole her brother’s star-shaped pink-tinted sunglasses and her mom’s fur lined coat and strutted down the hall to first period on that Monday morning, channelling her inner Penny Lane from Almost Famous and Maureen from Rent rolled into one. Over the months, drama club followed, as did afterschool art class, volleyball, and marching band. The youngest Preston had many items on the list titled: Things to be Thankful to Mom For. Somewhere near the top would be a thank you for not moving with her two queer kids to one of the many small towns that are outrageously homophobic and racist, because Jess sure did exercise her rights as a young queer woman. Or at least she tried to.

From reasonably early on Jesse knew she was pretty in the conventional sense. She had the blonde hair, blue eyes and legs for days going for her. When she hit sixteen and junior year, her new kid in school novelty had long since worn off but the nervous interactions and glances didn’t stop. Only problem was, she didn’t know what to do with it at first. 

She’d always been a smooth talker. Talked her way out of a speeding ticket that one time when her flight touched down late and she didn’t want to miss the town’s new year fireworks display. Schmoozed her way into the leading role of the high school production of The Twelfth Night so she could ‘rehearse’ with the girl playing Olivia. But the moment someone reciprocated – who wasn’t acting opposite her – Jesse Preston the confident wannabe leading lady turned into a blushing stuttering mess. It led to rumors of her liking girls but no one being completely sure, because there’d never been a relationship for the students to see and gayness to quantify. So all the boys bar the extremely confident one or two stayed away, and the girls… everything with the girls happened under bleachers or in dark unused rehearsal rooms.

Ten years later, after burlesque classes, several stage productions under her belt and now a debut album… it was more or less the same deal, only the stakes were different. There had been dates, which sometimes led to making out, one time led to a relationship. Nothing that lasted.

These days Preston had all the outward confidence of a woman who knew what she wanted and was good at getting it. In reality, she was the woman who needed a shot of Dutch courage in most high-stakes social situations, and even before the one thing she was best at and supposed to be most comfortable doing: being on stage. An extrovert bordering on exhibitionist who also happened to have stage fright? Typical.

So Jesse deployed an artistic approach to the armor she wore. An application of richly pigmented pink or red powder along her cheekbones and up toward her temples meant that girls could go ahead and make her blush. The bright colors and statement fashion choices meant that the attention she invited was hers to command. Even in a room full of people, most of which she didn’t know but who knew her Preston could feel the nerves pulling at the base of her spine.

She hadn’t been home for an extended length of time in around a year and a half. She was in the process of making a name for herself, so now that was what the town knew her for. Not little Jesse Preston the new girl, the theater kid, the enthusiastic volleyball player. Now she was a singer. Now there were expectations. All the thirty-somethings in town had heard her voice on Grey’s Anatomy, for shit’s sake. There was no turning back now… but she kind of had.

It was the wedding of some local high school sweethearts. She had been roped in by her friend Benji, one of the groomsmen who’d offered his services as ‘behind the scenes’ wedding photographer and hers as the wedding singer. She’d done her part, finished her set about an hour ago, providing her voice for the first dance. It had been an honour, she supposed. Most people settled for the DJ, they had asked for her to sing ‘their’ song live, the one that meant something to their love and the one they wanted to remember dancing to as a newly married couple for the rest of their lives.

Benji approached her as she leaned back against the bar, almost done with her second cosmopolitan but nowhere near finished her perusal of wedding guests on the dancefloor, or sat at the tables surrounding it.

“Are you gonna?” He reclined on his elbow next to her.

With her finger pressed absently to her chin, Preston angled her head towards him, not peeling her eyes from anything in particular. “Hm? Gonna what?”

Benji stepped in closer to her, she could feel his springy curls push against her cheek as he directed her gaze to where he must have assumed she had been looking already. Following his finger, she immediately found who he meant.

“Subtle.” Preston pushed Benji’s arm back to his side. It was hard to get a good look at the woman from the bar. Every now and again a dancing body would get in the way, or the light would hit her a certain way that would obscure her features. Preston couldn’t tell whether her hair was purple or blue. When the reds of the lights hit her, her hair shone almost metallic grey. It was a wonder Preston hadn’t noticed her first. Alas, Benji had. “Please,” she gestured with her glass, “by all means.”

“Oh, no no, no,” he immediately contradicted her, encouraging her to face him with a tug on her elbow. “Why do you think I called you?”

Preston complied, turning to lean forwards against the bar now, making sure the surface was dry where she folded her arms on the counter. “To hear me sing Sara Bareilles songs?”

“To be my wingman, man,” he corrected. His eyes shifted from Preston to the mystery-colored-hair woman and back. “Reel her in for me.”

Preston scrunched her face in response to the term, “Ew, she’s not a fish,” chancing a look over her shoulder. She couldn’t see what the woman was drinking, or even tell if she was with the people at her table or just occupying a chair. Nevertheless, she waved the bartender down and gestured at her near empty glass for another with a smile.

“Mm,” she conceded around her glass, finishing the last mouthful. “You obviously need the help. As if you don’t owe me enough already, Benjamin.” She smoothed down the fabric of her jumpsuit, making sure the tit-tape was still doing its job in keeping the edges of the low cut ‘V’ in place. The more modest dress she’d donned for the earlier part of the reception had been abandoned the moment she’d finished her set and the party was in full swing. “Alright,” she breathed, “The things I do for you.”

“Wait,” he caught her arm again, reaching up to fix something in her hair. She’d pinned it up since the performance, shoved three of the red roses from the centerpiece of the tables into her hair to make a head wreath. Matched her cheeks. “One of your flowers was coming out. There.”

“Aw,” she patted his cheek, “Might be hope for you yet. I’ll be back,” she gave herself a quick once over in the mirrored back wall of the bar, catching herself between the bottles and glasses. “Get a drink, stay there, look mysterious and aloof, but approachable.”

“You do know aloof literally means unapproachable, right?”

Preston waved him off over her shoulder to begin carefully meandering through the dancefloor towards the woman, expertly keeping her full glass from spilling. Once she was a few paces from her target, Preston glanced about to make sure she wouldn’t be interrupting something already in progress when she made her entrance, but she didn’t much care if she was.

Pulling up an empty chair into the space beside the woman, Preston first sat her glass on the table between them - close enough to the woman that it could be seen as an offering, but still within reach in case she didn’t want it, or in case one of the glasses of varying levels already on the table was hers.

“Hi,” Preston regarded the woman, injecting as much charm into her red-lipped smile as she could muster. Resting her elbow on the table and her chin in the palm of her hand, she inquired “Are you single? Are you single at this wedding? Wow,” She sat up straight, let the hand that was supporting her head fall to the table. “That totally sounded like I’m trying to sell you something. Hi,” she took a breath, offering her hand to the woman as she started over. “I’m Jesse Preston, and this is my attempt to wingman for my friend over at the bar there. I’m usually better at this."

[love-love-you]

A few things to clarify, while we’re all enjoying calling out shitty critics (as we should—I’m loving the tags on these lmao). This is gonna be pretty long, so feel free to scroll down to the TL;DR.

First of all, I want to say that I do try to minimize the amount of airtime I give to the really hurtful stuff. Because honestly, I’m willing to bet that everyone on this post is at least moderately aware of, if not painfully familiar with, this type of homophobic coding. It’s not new. The vocabulary that’s being tapped into here, whether consciously or subconsciously, is steeped in a long, ugly history of anti-gay rhetoric. The dismissal of queer self-discovery as childish and crude; of queer sexuality as vulgar and unnatural; of queer joy as garish and tasteless. The thinly veiled ridicule of stereotypical gay male gender presentation. The negative modifiers added to dig even deeper into words that, by themselves, may have only been lightly coded—theatrical becomes “indecently theatrical,” quirky becomes “quirk-laden.” Regardless of the reviewers’ intentions, this language is irritating at best, and violent at worst.

It’s possible that these critics are indeed using this language as a deliberate dogwhistle. It’s also possible that they just don’t understand the implications of the language they’re using. It’s even more possible that Mika’s “flamboyance” really does bother them, and they haven’t taken the time and energy to unpack why. The goal of music criticism is not “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all”; but rather, if you have something Not So Nice to say, say it well. The burden is not on the artist to make their work immune to critique; it is on the critic to thoughtfully and respectfully articulate their critique. When said critic exists outside the experience of the artist—i.e., being cis and straight while evaluating queer art—that’s just harder. Not bad, and not impossible by any means, but harder. It involves research, sensitivity, and openness to correction. It involves asking yourself, “What is my position with respect to this work? What established conceptions am I entering this process with? Why might unfamiliar elements of this work stick out to me as ‘bad’?” And when a critic hasn’t put that work in, it shows.

So, if it’s harmful to address the queerness of Mika’s work disrespectfully, and difficult to address it respectfully, is it better not to address it at all? Well, not really. After all, his music is camp, it is dramatic, and bright, and brash, and all those other lovely adjectives. To everyone in the notes saying “that’s why I love it”— absolutely! Mika has made, and continues to make, a conscious decision to put his art out into the world just as it comes— glitter, rainbows, queerness and all. That’s what has allowed queer fans to find such incredible strength and comfort in his music, and has made him stand out as an artist both inside and outside of queer communities. That unapologetic vibrance is so integral to his work that it would be pretty strange to write a review without at least touching on it.  

As such, I want to point out some criticisms gone right. Because there are so many ways to do this right, and there are critics out there, gay and straight, walking the walk.

Written by Christian John Wikane for PopMatters, this piece sensitively pinpoints the sadness at the heart of Mika’s second album, The Boy Who Knew Too Much—sadness that comes from being in the spotlight, and in the closet. Among the pileup of unfortunate 2009-era “that’s so gay” takes on his sophomore album, Wikane’s review stands out—I distinctly remember reading it after slogging through pages and pages of the type of stuff in those screenshots, and thinking “oh, he gets it.” 

In his review of No Place In Heaven, Jon Sobel admits that he “didn’t quite get it at first,” struggling to reconcile Mika’s typical “operatic sizzle” with the contemplative tones of his fourth album. Instead of hiding that confusion to preserve some image of the all-knowing, impartial critic, he takes the time to explore it, and the review is all the better for it. His background as a theater critic also allows him to take a look at the album as a character study.

Andie Castillo’s piece on the same album is a heartfelt expression of understanding. As an “LGBT individual” himself, he delves into the queer themes of the album on a complex and nuanced level. He even makes the connection from “Promiseland” to Neon Trees, barely a year after lead singer Tyler Glenn came out publicly via a 2014 Rolling Stone article. It’s an apt comparison, especially considering that Glenn’s explosive solo album Excommunication wouldn’t come out for another year.

Jack from ScreenStreams constructs a thoughtful critique in his review of Mika’s most recent album, My Name Is Michael Holbrook. He provides some interesting insights on the personal nature of the album, referencing the emphasis on Mika’s voice and his use of the first person, without veering into overly glowing praise.

Finally, Tumblr’s own @ottimistaaccidentaleart has done a fantastic series of posts about My Name Is Michael Holbrook, including lyrical, musical, and contextual analysis alongside her art for each track. Her analysis of “Sanremo” draws from her knowledge as a native of the titular city, including its history as the birthplace of the Italian gay liberation movement.

TL;DR— Critics can say really shitty things that bring up years of homophobic baggage, whether intentional or not. They can also put in the work to engage respectfully with the art they’re critiquing. It can be exhausting to constantly have to figure out which one you’re dealing with, and it can be wonderful to find one that Gets It. 

lord give me the confidence of a cishet music critic writing a review of a mika album

[dailymikayuureminders]

You think MikaYuu will actually be canon? People always says "it won't be canon 'cause OnS is a shonen" or "it won't be canon 'cause OnS is written by a male" but I really don't think these are valid arguments. (love your blog. sorry for bad english)

Those arguments are silly. There’re actual shonen mangas with LGBT characters.

Yu Yu Hakusho was a shounen, written by a man and has gay characters and in HxH it’s kind of hinted that killugon is a thing too, because Togashi supports LGBT.

Shingeki no Kyojin has Ymir and Historia too, and it’s written by a man.

At the very least, Shonen jump might not want it to be canon but *shrugs* then all he would have to do is not pair them with someone else and hint at mika/yuu. (Like korrasami)

Bad arguments made by people with low-quality thought processes tbh.

Don’t continue reading if you don’t want negativity. (And you know how damn negative I can be so, please, don’t keep reading if you’re not ready for it).

Now, I don’t think it’ll be canon, but because of different reasons. Like, it’s so easy to find actual good arguments as to why it won’t be canon, but homophobes aren’t smart enough to think about them anyway.

Thinking Kagami would make a gay couple canon is giving him too much credit. There’re many reasons why I don’t have faith in him but I don’t feel like addressing them.

The very few times he made couples in ons canon (or close to canon) it was through a very shitty writing and with lots of awful tropes.

If mika/yuu becomes canon I’ll be like “wow HE wrote THIS relationship as a LOVE STORY? HIM??? AFTER SO MANY BAD WRITTEN ROMANCES??? Talk about character development.”

Also, Yuu is his 2nd Gary Stu, why would he pair him with the one who seems to be his least favorite character?He’s been humiliating Mika so I doubt he’d want him to be the endgame for his precious son.

No man, he’d rather pair him with a cute girl he’ll obviously destroy, decharacterize and sexualize in the process.

That is, if he decides to pair him off with someone, but I’m not really sure he will. I mean, despite everything, mika/yuu seems to be important for this manga.

Like, most readers ship it.

And it seems obvious to me what with how he keeps repeating the same shenanigans between them to lure the shippers into keeping reading

They keep going in circles ofMika tries to get Yuu to understand -> Yuu says something “sweet” (though empty) -> Mika stays.

And so on and on and on.

I’m pretty sure he’s bored of his own writing by now.

I’m always hoping he’ll surprise me, you know?Like, I used to think maybe he supported the LGBT community, since he hinted at many of the characters being at least a lil gay.

But he always manages to turn it around and make it all worse and homophobic even.

Mikaela is the only one who hasn’t gone through that but he’s been made fun of and treated as the unreasonable character lately so what can I say?

Watch is as he revives Akane and somehow she’s both mentally and physically 16, so she confesses to Mika and, obviously, Mika will end up with her because fuck good writing and respect for everything a character has done and felt, right?

And watch as all the ugly homophobic fanboys mock us saying “SEE? TOLD U MIKA WASN’T GAY”

And have you got any idea about how that feels for us? Like, we go every day being told that we’re not normal, that one day we’ll find “the one” and will realize we were straight all along.

That’s what queerbaiting is. An ugly and hard slap on the face of LGBT people.

That’s how it feels like for us.

I don’t know what’s going to happen tbh. Chances are: it could happen. He could hint at mika/yuu in the end.But I don’t see it becoming canonIt just doesn’t feel like he will do it, you know?

At this point I just enjoy the fandom and all the creative smart people who love this ship like I do. I don’t want to think about canon. It hurts.

Especially when the fandom is shit towards us for saying if mika/yuu doesn’t become canon it’s queerbaiting. It would be queerbaiting, sorry your mind has been conditioned to see anything romantic between characters of the same gender as a “friends”’ only thing but gay people exist. Surprise!

There are many things that tell me it won’t be canon:

The narrative

The way Mika has been treated

The way Yuu has been behaving

The whole demon thing and desire bs that happened with Kureto and Aoi (mind u, I shipped it, but that was extremely lame and ugly)

The whole thing Mahiru said to Shinoa

That one chapter in the light novels where Shi-chan tells Shinoa about meeting someone who will want her in the future

The bad writing of the latest chapters

The repetitive mika/yuu moments

Kagami’s past works(queerbaiting)

The way Kagami has been writing romance lately

And so on.

See, umm… there are many other things that made me think mika/yuu could happen, though, but I wouldn’t get my hopes up.

The amount of support mika/yuu has (y’know, money)

The beginning of their story (it really felt like they would be endgame before this new ugly arc)

That one ecchi story Kagami once wrote that was a lot like fem!Mika x Yuu (srsly boi stop recycling your past works and ideas. Gosh, even Guren was there.)

The fact that Kagami likes Sailor Moon(?

The fact that Mika was going to be a female (first girl wins trope)

Buuuuuuuuuuut Mel wouldn’t get her hopes up.

I don’t want to suffer again so I’ll just- you know? Look from the distance.Hope for the best expecting the worst.Enjoy my time in the fandom.