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awkwardlittlepringle · 5 years ago

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Queer ‘n Crazy

CHAPTER NINE

Hello, fellow Fanders!

I really hope y'all are doing okay, with the virus going around and everything. School just shut down where I live, and the gravity of the whole situation is just getting to me, really. I might release this chapter a day late, sorry about that; I'm just a bit shaken up. :)

Are you guys doing okay? You better be! If you aren't just mention it and I'll give you a virtual hug. Here's a virtual hug, even if you don’t need it. 🤗

(Is that a hug emoji? IDK.)

ANYWAY, HERE'S THE CHAPTER!

Previous Chapter / Next Chapter

WARNINGS: Swearing, obliviousness, nicknames, mention of suicide, depression, yelling, disaster gays, watching people when they sleep... I think that's it.

.................

"If you're sad, and depressed, cause your life's a fucking mess, if you're sad and you know it clap your-"

Virgil groaned, trying to will his heavy hand to rise. It wasn't working.

The tinkling tune kept playing, and Virgil, instead of turning it off, buried his head in his pillow instead. Usually he'd slap it off immediately, but Logan had suggested leaving it on the other side of the room in an effort to help Virgil get out of bed.

Needless to say, it didn't have the intended effect.

Virgil heard a noise from the other side of the room. "Turn that bloody thing off." Logan grumbled, shifting in his bed to squint at Virgil. Virgil poked his tongue out at him, before turning the other way and clamping his hands over his ears. Logan groaned into his pillow, before lifting his head and putting on his glasses.

Now able to actually see Virgil he glared at the teen, who was watching him with a smirk.

"If you're suicidal and you know it-"

"Why the hell did you make that you're alarm, you bitch." said Logan, cricking his neck. Virgil tossed the covers away from himself and sat up, rubbing his face. "Patton said to change it to If you're happy and you know it. I thought this would be more bareable."

"Well it clearly isn't." Logan scrunched up his nose -How the fuck is he so cute?- and yawned. "Turn it off..." "You do it, you're closer!" "It's your alarm!" Pretty irrefutable logic.

Virgil grimaced before dragging his unwilling feet to hit the frigid ground. You'd think carpet would be warmer. He trudged over to his dresser and grabbed his phone; dismissing the alarm. Upon doing so, he caught sight of his reflection in the mirror.

Almost subconciously, he hissed at his reflection. Gross.

He froze, shoulders hunching, and whirled around to face Logan. A bewildered expression graced the other's usually stoic features, accompanied by a heart-stoppingly hot smirk.

"Did you just hiss?" Oh shit he thinks you're a weirdo. Great job dumba- "That is adorable." Virgil started, heat rushing up his neck.

"What?" "I said, that is adorable." Logan's face softened as he gazed at Virgil. (Who was still frozen.) He thinks I'm cute? "How the hell is it cute?!" "I have no clue. How come you do it?" Virgil hunched in on himself, bewildered. "I dunno, why do you wanna know anyway?" "My roommate, who's already cat-like enough, hisses. It's only natural for me to be curious." "What do you mean, cat-like?"

"You sit on top of high surfaces, humm when you're pleased, are attracted to warmth, curl up when you sleep, you hiss-" "You watch me when I sleep?!" "I- uh-"

Logan began to stammer, his face turning a brilliant crimson. Despite his extensive vocabulary, he seemed lost for words. His sleep-shirt hung off his shoulder, and a dull light filtered through the gap in the curtains. It illuminated his pale skin and reflected off his glasses, casting a halo-like glow around his flustered figure. His bedhead was ruffled and sticking up awkwardly, and a beautiful blush dusted across his exposed collarbones and cheeks. His hand came up to cover his mouth as he avoided Virgil's gaze.

God, he's gorgeous.

Virgil felt his blush returning, and he snapped his open jaw closed. He turned back toward his mirror to see he was grinning. For once, it didn't look too bad on him.

"Uh, so, what class do we have first?" He watched Logan's reflection as he turned back to Virgil. "English." "Shit, I forgot to finish my draft." Virgil snatched his hairbrush off his dresser, running it through his bed-head frantically. Logan chuckled, stretching his arms out. "You can finish it at breakfast." "How long do we have 'till then?" said Virgil, now rummaging through his closet. "40 minutes."

"Okay." Virgil turned toward Logan. "I'm assuming you're gonna take a shower?" "Mhm. I honestly don't understand how you go without one." he said, finally getting out of bed. He grabbed a towel out of his chest. "Is it alright if I go first?" "Go ahead."

Half an hour later the two of them were rushing around, doing a few final checks. Well, at least Virgil was rushing around. "Are you sure I can finish it at breakfast?" Logan frowned. "I don't know, it's your writing." "I'm just editing." "Well then why wouldn't you?" He replied, straightening his tie. Virgil shrugged, grabbing his pencil case off his desk and shoving it into his bag.

"I dunno, Lo. I'm just a mess in general." "You're a pretty great mess, if I do say so myself." Warmth flooded through Virgil at the compliment, leaving him confused. This was the third time this morning he'd blushed because of Logan...

Logan, however, didn't seem to notice his roommates reaction. He grabbed his bag off of his desk before turning to Virgil. "I feel like I'm forgetting something..." said Virgil, ruffling through his bag. "Keys?" "Ah, right. Thanks, Logan." "No problem."

Just as Virgil was about to leave, he spotted an empty pill bottle on his desk. He grabbed it, before shoving it into his pocket. Logan shot a questioning look at Virgil as he joined him in the hallway.

"I'm seeing my phsyciatrist today, she said she was going to switch my meds. Wanted to know which ones I was taking." Logan nodded.

The two walked down the hallway in silence, enjoying each other's company. While it was peaceful, Virgil couldn't help but adress the slight giddiness that seemed to have settled in his chest. It was confusing; he had no reason to feel this way. It was a nice feeling, though. Kind of like he was floating.

He followed Logan down the hallway to an elevator, and stepped inside. As the doors closed, Logan asked-

"How come you didn't finish your draft?" Virgil shrugged. "I dunno, I just couldn't get it done." Logan frowned. "Weren't you staring at your computer screen for like 30 minutes last-" "Shhhhhh~!" Virgil held up a finger.

"What?" "You're ruining it." "What am I ruining, exactly?" "My excuse." The doors opened at the lobby, and the pair stepped out, and began walking to the doors.

"I'm just saying, you can't exactly tell Mrs Von that." Virgil scrunched up his nose. The two walked up to the sliding doors. Just as they cracked open, a familiar voice filtered through.

"Hey guys!!!!" Despite his confusion, Virgil found himself smiling.

Standing in the middle of the courtard was a grinning Roman, waving madly at them. Patton was with him, also waving, although in a much calmer manner. Logan exhaled as he adjusted his bag strap.

"Good morning you two." They joined the others in the courtyard, and the four of them began to walk toward the dining hall. This had become the usual routine for them. Each pair would come out about eight minutes before breakfast, wait for the other, and then they'd walk together.

"Have you guys finished your drafts for english?" "Yup." "Pretty much. I'm gonna look over it at breakfast, though." Virgil groaned. "I swear I'm the only one who isn't finished." He said, shoving his hands in his pockets. "How much do you have left?" asked Patton, falling into step beside him. "Just editing." "Well then you shouldn't have a problem, should you?" He said, smiling encouragingly. Virgil shrugged, looking away.

What if he didn't finish though? He was fine with being in trouble, but being called out in front of everyone was a high possibility, and certainly wasn't one he liked.

"C'mon, Virg!" Patton brushed his shoulder against Virgil's. "You'll be alright. All the teachers are understanding, they take illnesses into account, remember?" Virgil chuckled. "It sounds like you'rer talking about cancer." Virgil's eyes widened. "N-Not that I'm joking about cancer, of course- that's kind of stupid-" "Virgil, I know. Calm down." Patton linked his arm through Virgil's. It was a simple touch, but it certainly helped calm him.

"And anyway, I have something else to mention." Patton slowed his pace, tugging Virgil along with him. Virgil let out a small noise at the movement, before steadying himself and glancing at Patton, worried. Noticing Virgil's expression, Patton let out a small chuckle.

"Nothing bad I promise." Virgil raised an eyebrow, causing Patton to gasp. "How do you do that? You're like Doctor Who!" Virgil scoffed. "Hardly." "Anyway, I just wanted to ask... Are you good?" Virgil looked at strangely. "Yeah~? I mean I haven't got worse since I got here-" "No no no, not like that. I mean, this morning, you looked kinda spaced out." Was it that noticable?

"I was? I didn't notice." "I'd like to make it clear that I don't believe that for a second." Apparently Patton could see through him. "Tell me~! That is if you want to, of course." "I'd prefer not to." Patton pouted, but left it alone.

But now Virgil was even more confused. There isn't any reason for him not to tell Patton, so why didn't he tell him? Maybe to avoid sounding crazy?

"Hurry up, slowpokes!" Virgil looked up to see Roman watching them from around 20 feet away, tapping his foot impatiently. "At this rate all the hashbrowns will be gone." "They refill them, Roman." "Shut it, Calculator."

"Roman! What did I say about name calling!" Roman rolled his eyes. "Okay, dad." Patton grinned mischeviously. "That's right. You're all my kiddos now." Logan blinked.

"You're younger than me-" "Hush, Lolo. Respect your elders." "Roman what have you done." said Virgil jokingly. "We're gonna be late!" said Roman, grabbing Patton by the hand. "Accompany me, Padre!"

Logan watched the pair's retreating backs with a dumbstruck look.

"I have never been more confused in my life?" Virgil snickered at the look on his face, before grabbing his elbow. His skin tingled where it met Logan's. "Come on, Logan. If we leave them alone they'll probably find a way to burn the hall down.

"There are no fires lit in the hall?!"

................

Summary : Virgil and Logan are getting ready for bed, Virgil being a blushing gay mess the whole way. They meet the others in the courtyard, and walk to the dining hall. Patton notices that Virgil's spaced out today, to which he responds with "I didn't notice." It doesn't fool Patton though. Platonic Lamp shenanigins ensue, and Virgil is left wondering what the elated feeling in his chest is.

TAGS :

@someone-idk-is-here

@true-chaotic-dumbass

@tired-babyboy

@666frostwolf

If you wanna be added to the list, shoot me an ask. :)

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survivor-mesopotamia · 4 years ago

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Ep. #2 - “Shit ain’t over till the fat lady sings and I didn’t warm my pipes.” (Cameron)

Day 4: Well. I survived my first tribal council of the season, and even though it went exactly according to plan, while I slept my entire day away, I'm still really hesitant to tell myself that I'm doing well on my tribe. I'm really nervous that my tribe mates are playing me, and that I'm really boo boo tha fool here. I called Megan post-tribal, and I was finally able to get some closure on something that happened between us in our personal lives, which felt really good. After that, she asked me about the idol, to which I had responded "Wait, Julian didn't tell you?", which hopefully sows some seeds of doubt in Megan about Julian. Ideally, if the Enlil tribe has to go back to tribal council, the four of us can bear witness to a Megan vs. Julian war. Because unfortunately, the connections I have outside Enlil, are shared with either Julian or Megan. If Megan and Julian are going after each other pre-merge, or during a swap scenario, I don't have to share those connections anymore. After that, Megan and I just talked about the nudes we received during quarantine ~ I then promptly ran to Will to tell him about the potential crack I just formed between Julian and Megan, which was met with genuine excitement. I think I'm really gaining Will's trust, and I think we vibe so well together. Love that guy! Overall, it wasn't a very productive day because I woke up at 4:30p PST. Love that for me, thanks for shading me @ Tribal Bodhi.

going into this scavenger hunt as the tribe that went to tribal last is worrysome. It's a challenge that's fully dependent on our activity, so we are at a serious disadvantage against the other two tribes that get to choose someone less active to sit out. We don't have that luxury. The point/life system eases the blow, however, since we can get less active players 1 life while more active players can get 3. In case we lose, I'm trying to connect with everyone on the tribe. I really don't want to vote anyone out though. I have an alliance with Julian and JJ, and one with Will on the side. Chrissa wants to work with Julian, JJ and myself, and I think Megan and JJ have something on the side. I'm nervous for who would be the target in the vote, and any vote would hurt all of our games collectively. Hopefully we win because the next vote will not be easy AT ALL.

Done w typing this sheet

youtube

jj and zachary are so fucking annoying to this challenge and if i vote for you first at the swap, its probably because youre typing too much during this challenge sorry not sorry xoxo - sincerely johnny a month from now

let me be clear with andrew I was not calling his hosting unfair i was calling the fact that a majority green item giving him a point unfair not the hosting but lack of yellow, also i have a headache i don't feel that good. and I just don't think zach should have had a point for it nothing against hosting obviously i watch a movie trivia thing where literally they have a challenge to challenge any questions that are unfair, that doesn't mean they are calling the question writers or the answer writers unfair.

Zach just won the tribal challenge for us which is fantastic. We can maintain the illusion of a unified tribe longer, which keeps us together in a swap situation, and Zach has clearly painted a challenge target on himself over the last two challenges which will make him go before me if our Triforce ever becomes the minority. I'm really happy with my position in the game right now

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me and monty trying to find the idol and decode this annoying ass video https://imgur.com/a/lu7sbMu

Forgive me father for I have sinned it's been approximately three days since my last confession so far can't complain really we be winning they hating we be riding pretty damn clean I've got a majoritu alliance I didn't start so odds of it falling around me and being the first voted out slim to none thank the sweet baby jesis and all that good shit. Oh well that's all for now

JULIAN’S HOST CHAT GUEST, ZEE:

I am filling in a confessional because you told me to. I am in front of my fan because it's hot. I'm thinking that it seems pretty stupid to ask me for a confessional. Julian's prod chat isn't very interesting because he's distracted.

youtube

also just threw out madison's name to johnny. if this shit backfires on me ill be ):

https://youtu.be/Pqck1gayfJU

https://youtu.be/FMay7NycsPw

yo yo yo homies!!! fuck the scavenger hunt and the mobile Skype app !! Lowkey scared but I think I’m close with everyone on the tribe except madi soooooooooo that’s probably who will go tonight. I’ve connected a lot with Monty and am hoping we can work together closely moving forward 💕not sure how useful my relationship with Zach is going to be come swap/merge bc it seems like he’s ALREADY making himself a target like the big doof he is. More later 💋

https://youtu.be/Qg47yupj1bQ

https://youtu.be/vUK8A1qWVoA

Hello tumblr survivor world! Sorry I didnt confess for episode 1, I was going to but i accidentally exited out of the page when i almost finished writing it. Anyways, it was just a cast assessment for my tribe so tl;dr everyone on my tribe is great and its really sad that we have to vote someone out now. So this whole weekend I was away so I was REALLY worried that I would be voted out since I sat out of the challenge. But after talking to Johnny and Isabelle, it seems like Madison will be voted out tonight. Which is so bad bc this her first game in a year, but hey it's our first vote and it's not me so it's not really the time to make a stand. _________________________________________________________________________________________ Okay I took a break from writing this confessional and there's moreeeeeeeee so part 2 I guess. So I had a call with Johnny and we came up with an alliance of me, him, Isabelle, and Benji. What an iconic alliance, right? But also while Johnny and I talked we got onto the topic of idols and why it is that there hasn't been an idol post yet. I brought up that wayyyyyy back when in Malaysia and some other games around that time, some of the idol hunts were less clear cut. We ended up looking at the blog and clicking the "idol system" tab and it brought us to some weird crab video with audio that sounds like a pokemon cry? Idk part of me thinks its just a joke but I also have to consider that it might be SOMETHING. It said remember to like and subscribe so I sent a screenshot of me liking and subscribing to see if that would do anything but nope. Johnny said he'd do some thinking about it and get back to me later if he figures something out. Also tribal seems super clear cut so I'm a bit less worried now but y'know how it is I can't not worry about tribal.

i just spent $8 on a spectogram and STILL cant find this fucking idol im gonna kms... monty im sorry im steam rolling ahead looking for this thing without telling you, but thank you for the first clue xoxo... if i get stumped in the future ill reach out for SURE (but idt you trust me that much so this seems kinda valid to me) ((FOUR HOURS LATER: i told monty lololol)) ALSO FOR FUCKS SAKE I think madison is gonna go, and truthfully, im fine with it because it's the easiest thing to do due to her poor performance in the past few challenges and just being the least AROUND the tribe, but i know that it'd probably be better for me long term to get rid of abby because i just dont see her as a long term ally for me. i think she's close to JJ and Megan on the other tribe, and she's becoming much more acclimated to the tumblr survivor community that i just BET that she maybe has an additional connection on the rookie tribe. If I can attempt to break that up before we get to a swap, I think that's what im going to have to do figure out if we lose another challenge before a swap... i dont really want to see ANYBODY else go besides abby if im thinking about a second boot. i bet it wont be easy to take her out tho also, if madison goes, this is like...... lowkey vindication for game changers???? last night i talked about this with monty and i was like hmmmm "is it ugly to bring up past game history?" and his response was "not if it's within the same series" .... so. vindication

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omg i just told madison how to find the idol system thing i hope she doesnt tell anyone i told her about it LMAO........ this almost seems too easy.i got added to two alliances today. why do i not feel safe? is it me going? WTF IS GOING ON

excited to be first boot because no one will TALK TO ME!

Things haven’t changed much since my last confessional! As far as I know the tribe hasn’t started into alliances and we’re all riding some excitement at having so far avoided tribal. I think the rest of the tribe and I are all feeling good and just focusing on making the tribe switch without losing any members.

from round 2 https://youtu.be/fk002uG2HoI

Hi sorry I forgot to do a confessional this round so this will be short imma just say a few things 1. I don’t trust julian one bit he can stop being shady to me 2. I can’t believe we aren’t going to tribal I’m so fkn happy i was able to pull out the win for our tribe because I didn’t want to lose anybody else 3. I love and adore will with all of my being and he’s my number 1 ally right now 4. I find it highly doubtful that there’s only one idol in this game and that you can’t find it until merge but that’s as far as I can get in the idol search for now so I guess there’s nothing I can do about it 5. I’m still having fun can’t wait to fuck up another flash game yay!!!

My Purple edit is amazing right now. But having played more games than most of these newbies, I have decided to take on the role of teacher and becoming more of a "role model" for these newbies. I feel like I have the closest bond with Zach, and I need to get a little closer with Collin. I have Grace from past games, and then there are the others who I do not really have any strong bonds with at the moment. I guess I need to start going to them more and show that I want to work with them.

https://youtu.be/yhwXzqrTcsA Confessional 2 for round 2

https://youtu.be/TVnpwqc8XLY

Madison voted out 6-1

#nomorethings

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sanguinesprout · 7 years ago

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Therapy/Counselling Diary #7 (plus some small but heartening accomplishments and a few other little frustrations)

Hmm... hmm... it’s hard to say how I’m feeling right now, a strange cocktail of refreshing see sawing determination with a little kick of spicy proudness mingled in with the usual bitterness of overhanging doubt and the chill of all those nerve-wracking fears. Tastes pretty terrible, probably an acquired taste, but unique non the less. I’m no expert at all, but I’ll give it a generous 2.3 stars overall.

Last week was... it was not so bad actually (or maybe that’s just cause I’ve forgotten a lot of it already lol). I pushed myself to try harder to do some of the things my counsellor wanted me to do, what I myself wanted to do and le gasp, it happened..! I guess her hard talk really did stir something good in me after all. To put it real brief right here for now, I went out a lot more than I usually would (just mundane stuff like shopping and supermarkets tho) and I did the phone orders thing!!!1! Not once but multiple times over three days! Yaaay! But this week I need to continue it and even one up it... boooo-- uh, I mean go me!! @w@

There were times I totally copped out though and it feels bad man as usual, but I at least tried and I was able to prove some of my presumptions and preconceived thoughts mostly wrong! It’s something! It’s a big step, an accomplishment for me, don’t downplay it silly me! *pats self on back and proceeds to go in hiding again- no no!* This week is already feeling a little bleak but I just have to toast it up a little, let myself get cosy in this newer environment by just being there and exposing myself to it more. C’mon, I can do it! ^^

Okay onto the actual counselling session, which was yesterday. I literally only just made it on time, phew haha. I was a little anxious going up to the room cause there were some other people around in the corridor but w/e no1currs really and that goes for every other situation everywhere else. When you’re absorbed and focused in what you’re doing like other people are and not constantly looking around and assuming people give a damn (which they don’t) then it’s all good!

Um, anyways she did the typical ‘how are you/have you been’ and I gave her my weekly self scoring sheet but also I told her I forgot to give her that self esteem sheet and presented that too. I told her of my achievements last week and she congratulated me, told me I needed to pat myself on the back more and that she’s glad last week actually helped get me off my butt (she said she felt kinda bad about it too, but not so much now that she saw it had a good effect kind of thing too ^^). I agree last week did help, though I definitely wouldn’t wanna go through that again though lol.

We went over the cycle from before real briefly just as a reminder that actually doing things is the best way to break it and to progress and I have this homework sheet consisting of a table with columns for my preconceived thoughts of a situation (which I am to score with a percentage I believe it), my emotions and feelings that arise, and my uhh re-scores and feelings after actually facing and going through the situation. I haven’t actually looked at the sheet since yesterday so I totally winged the explanation just then lol but it’s about linking thoughts and emotions and that’s pretty much the gist of it. I’m kinda nervous about filling it in and I’m leaving it to the end of the week to do it, which is bad, but I’ll at least know what to put in it better by then hopefully.

We went over some of the things I wrote on the self esteem sheet, some of my examples for the unhelpful negative behaviours and we discussed them for a while but only got through a few. She said she’d go over the other ones next time, we agreed I should continue to do what I did last week but maybe try even harder. (There’s lots of small details in the discussions which I can’t remember properly or can’t place in the right time slot rn oh welp ><”)

Then the session ended there (15 mins early) idk why though. But now that I think about it, maybe there was nothing else left to say or not much plan or other things needed to discuss in particular for the last 3 sessions so maybe just try and stretch what content we have on hand to discuss kind of thing? Or maybe she needed to go somewhere like the toilet? lol who knows xD

I was feeling the session felt pretty short (my explanation also), but wasn’t all that bothered about it tbh, I’m not paying for it or anything and it gave me a little time to do other stuff before meeting with my sis. I plucked up the courage to go to a shop on my own again, I had a few things in mind that I actually wanted to look for which like the counsellor has said before will make it easier to motivate and immerse myself into doing things. I think I might write about this experience on the feelings-thoughts sheet.

So, I went in, a little uneasy at first, but not as much as if it would have been a place I’ve never stepped foot into before. I perused at my leisure and tried my hardest not to be overly conscious of other people around, which I noted to myself do actually going about their own stuff and don’t pay you any mind at all which lessened the nerves a lot. I found some things I wanted, and this was another relief as I always get that niggling feeling that if I leave without buying they’ll think I stole something (but looking around the internets randomly, I came to know that this is a super common feeling which is comforting and I shouldn’t worry about it too much because so what if I didn’t buy anything, I just couldn’t find anything I wanted and that is totally fine!).

Partway in the last leg of my perusing, my sis phoned me and told me to hurry up and all that stuff and it kinda made me feel real antsy. I continued looking though at a slightly faster pace but she ended up calling outside and told me to hurry up even more and was waiting for me outside so I cut my browsing short and hurried to pay and felt pretty down about it. When paying I queued up behind a group of guys and felt self-conscious but well, they no care really and I got over it and ignored the thought.

I went to the self serve till (the only kind open, so I wasn’t avoiding or anything) and proceeded to pay and I’m so glad I know how to use them as we use them most of the time my sis goes to the supermarket with me lol but I still was feeling pretty self-conscious and the ‘unexpected item in bagging area’ still gives me nerves and it happened twice to me but the assistant came over and fixed it straight away without me saying anything (which was a relief because I was feeling a little cowardly by then, but I would’ve been a little prouder of myself for actually asking).

I went with my sis to some other shops after that, I voiced that she was being quite mean on the phone and later she apologised, she was in a pretty bad mood in general and also the car park time wasn’t much and most of the bad feeling was dissolved. We then went to some other other shops with my mum in addition and I went off on my own to peruse which was nice though I couldn’t find anything I wanted, but it’s best not to waste monies on things I don’t need anyways. I got kind of sickly on the way home which wasn’t great but the general day was pretty alright.

There was somewhere else I wanted to go and me and my sis planned to go soon after but it was delayed and later I just kind of chickened out and took a nap instead :/ I was really tired and still sickly feeling though. I hope to get this sorted out this week still though, maybe I’ll tag along with my parents this time round, it’ll be okay! ^^

I also went to see a specialist doctor, I got a phone call for the appointment two days before the actual day (probably someone else cancelled) and I took it. I could’ve said no and waited even longer, but I didn’t, because health is important and should be dealt with asap! I wish I could bring myself to apply this to some of my other worries, but I’ll get there. Anyways it went alright, the typical general treatment route, but at least it’s something, now I’m waiting on my regular doc for the next steps.

The kind of funny thing is though (in reference to my last post or maybe the one before it), is that I have been recommended to take anti-depressants (BUT not for depression) they happen to help with migraines and oversensitivity which affects me all the time pretty much. A lot of medicines help with other conditions they were not primarily made for, I only realised this in the recent years lol. I’m a little wary and I’m hoping that it’ll help, maybe even kill two birds with one stone, but if it doesn’t then oh welp and onto the next thing they recommend. I want to get better every way I can and there’s no harm trying (except maybe side effects ugh) it’s just the stigma thing again, it’s... complicated .__. But it’ll be okay!

In terms of my own art and online dabblings, I actually spent two of the days I did phone orders doodling and editing stuff a little. I wasn’t really going to draw anything seriously but my non serious doodle started off pretty alright and I continued it and finished it, which I kind of felt proud of as usually I start things and never finish them because I get scared to mess it up or think it’s not good enough. It has its flaws of course, I’m such a nit picky person and I know I need to improve, but looking past these things, I really like what I did and am glad I persevered and completed it.

I also tried posting something online, not on here, but I actually did it for once at least! It was nothing amazing, in fact it was really really lame, just a scrawl from another time but I still like it and that’s all that matters, right? Right! I was really struggling over what to write in the descriptions (much like how I spend ages agonising over writing comments) and still keep feeling iffy about what I wrote but it’s actually all fine, so I should stop worrying about it! Hear that silly me? Don’t fret and don’t regret, it’s fine so keep going! :D

Some people (very few) even liked my picture and one person even commented some thumbs up emojis. It’s really nice of them ;w; I don’t think they were bots and I looked at their pages too. The person that commented has a page full of beautiful art and idk I just felt like omg ahhhh they’re so much more amazing then me and super intimidated and wasn’t sure what to do about the comment and still haven’t done anything and it’s been a few days .__.

They probably like loads of peoples stuff though, and also there’s no obligation to have to like their stuff back (though I have a feeling that’s probably why they liked my awful doodle in the first place, to draw attention to their own page, but I shouldn’t assume, that’s bad, maybe they really thought my doodle was okay and kindly wanted to encourage, who knows). I think maybe I’ll like the comment at least, I don’t want to be rude >< I’m just scared that if I do go and like their stuff, I’ll feel obligated to always do it kind of thing, I’m still just so scared of interacting with people (also this person doesn’t speak english it seems and language barriers are my death, but this person didn’t mind it, so uh uh wait I’m being such a baby again ;____;)

I’m seriously overthinking things way too much again!! I get this feeling when I think of people that may have taken their time to read my posts or even the few people that have liked a post or two. I’m seriously very very grateful and would hug you if I could but I don’t know what to do from then and it just keeps swirling and nagging me inside and I’m so sorry >< Overthinking and social awkwardness will surely be the death of me. I need to stop all the uncertainty and what ifs and silly assumptions and just do what I feel! Why is it so hard..? ;^;

I actually got so scared I didn’t post the next small doodle I wanted to, but I need to get over it and just get it done and continue and post the things I’ve really really been wanting to post for months. No one actually cares about all the silly things I think they do, I can’t read minds and I can’t go one thinking that I can. The same for just people in general irl. I was actually a little proud that I was so self-conscious out in public as much recently, that I noticed people are too busy in their own world and that I’m silly for thinking they would expend the brain energy to linger on me negatively. Another mantra sort of thing I’ve been thinking is ‘IDGAF (and no one else does)’ lolol for reals, but it seems to be pretty effective so imma keep it! :>

Losing motivation and becoming disheartened is so easy. I’m going to continue small and simple and build up from there in every aspect and it’ll get easier and I’m gonna keep my grip real tight on that motivation and determination and soak in all my accomplishments no matter how small or insignificant they seem and convert them into even more positive energy! Imma do things!! Imma do lots of things and not get mad at myself even if I don’t manage to do some of them! Baby steps is the way to go! c:

Like always I get a bit apprehensive when writing these or even thinking of doing so, but they are actually very useful! I can sift through and explore my thoughts better now and I can help re-motivate and re-direction myself with them and I even think my writing and expression in general has gotten better! It’s a good thing, it’s an achievement! Be happy silly self! ^^

Worry just makes the world seem all the more scary. Break the cycle, break the cycle, snap it to pieces, crush it into dust and let it fly away in the wind and never return! >< Keep going, reach higher, climb further (without forgetting to take rest stops in between and continue onwards with renewed vigour) past the sky and the stars, you can do it! Moar fancy fancy motivation!! x3

I guess I’ll stop here, I think I’ve got most of the stuff down and there’s stuff I wanna do now that I’ve pieced my motivation back together some ^^ When I go to my drafts to write, I see the to do/dream list I wrote last time and it reminds me of all the things I could do, it definitely needs to be tidied up but it’s nice seeing it! I’m pumped! :3

I hope things go well for myself and everyone out there, go go!

Have a great evening! C:

#therapy #avpd #anxiety #social anxiety #depression #thoughts #feelings #*pats self on back*#feels good man #keep going #break the cycle #don't give a damn about the irrational #do it all for yourself #never regret #no obligations #baby steps #try your best!#onwards to victory!

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yuna-dan · 8 years ago

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Musical Memories

Okay so this is a "challenge" I've done in all my fandoms!! So I thought, why not? Supposedly you need to put your music on random, and the songs that come out you have to write a little thing. Anyways, I'm on the phone so I can edit that much. I hope you like it!! - Warning: ImpliedViolence. ImpliedAbuse. Self-esteem issued. ImpliedCharacterDeath. Nothing Graphic. - 1. Enchanted - Taylor Swift (Royality) Prince Roman look around the ball, holding a glass of champagne on his hand, occasionally taking a sip and smiling. A fake smile. Denying every lady who wanted to danced with him. All of this, all the fake friends and fake love he was surrounded by, was getting too much. Too fake. Too unreal. He felt someone tapping his shoulder, and he turned to see a spectacled boy smiling at him, showing a small tooth gap. “Hello, excuse me, are you busy?” Roman arched his eyebrow, “What for?” “Oh you see,” he took a step closer, to whispered into the ear of the royal one. Roman felt his breath been taken away. “I want to explore the palace, but I don't wanna be alone,” he pointed at another spectacled guy. “He's supposed to be taking care of me. And I want to annoy him. You in?” Roman smiled, “It'll be my pleasure, Uhm?” “Patton.” “Well Patton,” he grabbed his hand and his knuckles. ”I'm enchanted to meet you.” The fact that no one found them all night, was a mastery. 2. Don't wait - Joey Graceffa (Prinxiety) The dragon roared for one last time, and Anxiety felt worse. Useless. I know. Pathetic. Yeah, I'm aware. The dragon laughed at Anxiety, digging his claws into his flesh again. A pain that Anxiety hated, but became to familiar with it. Later that day, while washing his burns and scars, he felt something cold against the back of his neck. “Don't move, or I'll kill you.” Anxiety rolled his eyes, a really morbid thought crossing his mind, yet he raise his hands up like a peace offer. “What?" “I want you to show me the way, where the dragon is... I know you live under his commands.” “Unfortunately...” The man opened his mouth, but Anxiety spoke first. “Just follow me.” - “My name is Roman...“ the prince mumbled while riding his horse behind the young man. “And what should I do with this information?” Roman raised an eyebrow, “Normally, you would tell me your name.” “Not happening, mate.” - “You are a prisoner without chains, Anx.” They were in front of a warm fire, trying to keep themselves warm in the darkness of the night. “I supposed you are right, Ro.” Prince chuckled slightly at the petname. “Why don't you run away?“ “I don't know.” I'm a huge coward. - “This dragon is not a normal dragon!” Roman shouted as covering for the fire, “You control it. Anxiety. Don't run away anymore. You are a wizard. I'm here. I'll be here. You'll be okay...” And for a moment, Anxiety believe him. - “The darkness can be such a lonely place on your own.” Anx mumbled, feeling Roman's hand pressing the wounds in his back. “I'm glad you were there with me...” “Me too.” And when they kissed, the place look brighter. 3. Prove you wrong- He is We (Logince) At the beginning Logan didn't notice it. He knew something was off, he saw the way Roman would flinch sometimes. Sadly he noticed until it was too late. It didn't passed that much time when Roman started using make-up to cover dark bruises on his arms. He noticed the way his eyes wouldn't shine anymore. How he would smile less. Gosh he missed that smile. “Roman,” he said at lunch, while Roman lazily move his food around the dish. “You can come to me. I love you.” For a moment, he smiled. “I love you too.” “I-You can live with me, Ro. If things get to hard.” He smiled again. “I might take you on that one.“ Gosh Logan would do anything for that smile 4. Demons - Nightcore Version (Moxiety) Anxiety was sitting on the couch, trying to control his breathing. If this get out of his control, it'll affect Thomas... he didn't want that. Not yet. “Anx, has anyone told you, you have beautiful eyes?” Patton spoke out of nowhere, probably sensing the attack. “I-Pat, we have the same eyes.” Morality shook his head. “We do. But yours shine more. They are pretty.” He felt a pair of lips against his forehead. “So, so beautiful.” He felt another kiss on his eyelids. “I love them. I love you.” He kissed his lips. And maybe if Patton loved his demons, maybe one day, Anxiety would loved them too. 5. Chocolate - Jesse & Joy Logan was chewing some chocolate, absentmindedly while working on the next plan to avoid procrastination. He grabbed a huge chunk, putting one part on his mouth. “You know Logan?” Patton was leaning against his door. “Have I ever told you why I think our love is like chocolate?” Logan rolled his eyes, expecting some horrible pun, when he felt Patton's hand moving his chin up. Since the chocolate was still between his lips, Morality leaned closer, bitting some of the chocolate while kissing his boyfriend. “It's sweet. And perfect. But not everyone can like it.” And Logan could see that. 6. Once Upon a December - Anastasia Soundtrack (Lamp Sanders) No one really understood his addiction with that movie. They just knew that whenever they heard the songs from the bathroom or his room, Anxiety was having a bad day. Anxiety would act annoyed when they entered without knocking into his room, with cookies, popcorn and blankets. But everyone knew he loved when they hold him. 7. One Last Time- Ariana Grande (Prinxiety/Logince) Roman held the hand of his boyfriend, leaning against his shoulder. “Thanks,” Logan looked at him, raising a questioning eyebrow. Roman chuckled and kiss his cheek, earning a blushy Logan. “For waiting for me. It was hard to move on...” Logan smiled, and put the sunflower against the tombstone. “Anx is okay.” “He better be.” And while walking away, he felt something against his other hand. And the huge necessity of crying. “I'm sorry. I just needed to hold you hand, one last time.” He felt something against his cheek, and suddenly he was sobbing against Logan. “It's okay.” But it wasn't. 8. I want to hold your hand- The Beatles (Moxiety) “Is this weird?” “Of course it is!” Roman shouted from across the mindscape. “You never let go his hand. I bet you two pee while holding hands.” Anxiety chuckled, but ignore the prince. “I think it's cute.” And he kiss his knuckles. 9. Tomorrow- Annie Soundtrack (Lamp Sanders) Anxiety sighed, already feeling the stress against his shoulder. He hated feeling so empty while so many thoughts race his mind. It was the worse. He didn't notice he started playing with the rubber band on his wrist, pulling it up and down against his skin. “The sun will come out...” “Tomorrow." “So ya gotta hang on, 'till tomorrow.” He felt the voice of his boyfriends, caressing his hair out of his eyes, kissing his hair. Maybe tomorrow we'll be better, as long as they were with him. 10. The Lazy Song- Bruno Mars (Analogical) Anxiety curled against Logan when the teacher tried to move away. “Anx. I have to go to work...” he mumbled, kissing the top of his head. “No. Call in sick. Let's do nothing today.” “Ugh. Fine. You lazy brat.“ and with that, he kissed his lips, feeling asleep all over again -- ((Authors Notes: 1. KingdomAU. In my mind Patton was a duke or something. Idk. 2. I've notice I have something for Kingdoms AUs. Anyways, this is mostly based on the video and a book. Anxiety created the dragon unconsciously because he repressed his own magic. 3. Human AU. Nothing much to add?? No one makes that much Roman Angst. 4. CannonVerse. By the part "Look into my eyes, is where my demons hide." 5. CannonVerse. Nothing else to add but go over YouTube and listen to that song. 6. Nothing to add. 7. HumanAU. Anxiety died. Roman was his boyfriend. I feel the song is the ghost of someone singing to his significant other, so yeah. Logan was a good friend of both of them. 8. Highschool AU. My goodness I love writing this one. 9. Someone make a post of Anxiety loving theatre music!! And I just love the idea of them singing that song to each other. 10. Human AU. Nothing to add. If you want to write something base on this fics go ahead! Just like give me credit and tag me!!! (So I can read it!) hope you all enjoy it!!!

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sugirandom · 8 years ago

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365 days of writing: day 104

Day 104: setting the bar high

Note: Sorry, this got pretty long

Today’s entry is 104 which are the same numbers as my birthday…sort of lol. That’s a weird reason to make my happy but I think it’s pretty cool. I’m not that superstitious with numbers but I think it’s fun to look at numerology and stuff like that from time to time. I did get my blood test this morning but since it was only one test it was no big deal and over in an instant. I also think that since I’m more hydrated it’s less painful. That’s my theory anyway as to why it doesn’t hurt as much because when I was dehydrated I know they had to poke around to find my vein but when you’re hydrated it’s easy to access the veins. I think that’s how it works anyway but I’m not a doctor so…yeah.

After getting my blood test I went to Walmart and ended up buying my stepdad two gifts. I got two things because I’m not sure if he can use a google play points card or not but they had no Amazon cards. I know he plays Pokemon Go but I’m not sure if you can use google play points towards tokens in that game or not. So, I bought him a copy of Spaceballs on DVD because I know he likes it and I’m pretty sure he might own it on VHS but I doubt he has the DVD. To be honest that gift wasn’t planned at all and it was just there in their discount DVDs rack so I think things worked out favorably. The only real issue is that I have no wrapping paper to use and didn’t think to buy a gift bag since I wasn’t planning on buying this and was near the checkout lane when I picked it up and it might be tacky to just give it to him without any wrapping or way of concealing it. I’ll check with Poppy if we have either wrapping paper or a gift bag…we might have some downstairs.

When I got home I ended up talking with quite a few people on the dating site I use. I downloaded the app since it’s easier to use on the phone than the website it. Another guy and a transwoman contacted me so I’ve been casually talking to them. I’ve recently met two different people who have almost identical taste in Anime to each other lol. At least they have different taste in other things or I’d think they were the same person ha ha. We have some titles we like in common though so that works. The transwoman is…not really like me at all so I’m not sure what attracted her to me but…she’s pretty attractive not gonna lie. She seems nice as well and I think we could still get along well so long as we have similar values. She’s a very active person and I think she mentioned being in the army. IDK if we’re going to hit it off or not but we at least had a nice chat and exchanged numbers so we’ll see how it goes.

After studying languages I watched two episodes of Dragon Ball and an episode of Linebarrels of Iron. I’m in the middle of the first tournament saga in DB, I got passed the training and the preliminaries part so now we’re in the meat of the competition I guess. I’m honestly curious how Cartoon Network handled some of the censorship for Dragon Ball, I don’t even remember when they played Dragon Ball since they did BBZ first but they had their work cut out for them with all the sexual jokes in Dragon Ball and I honestly see how editing would be problematic in parts. I’ll have to talk to my best bro about it since he seemed to talk mostly about how the censored the other kind of dirty jokes (i.e. farting, toilet humor etc.) and didn’t touch on the censoring of sexual humor quite as much. I’m so curious how the episodes looked to him because he’s only seen Cartoon Network’s dub and a few small clips of Dragon Ball in Japanese. I’ll have to teach him all about the original, I think he’d love it even more ha ha.

Anyway, Linebarrels of Iron is getting a little better. I wanted them to improve for episode seven and they did. Sadly they seem to be following the trend that some of the Gundam Anime I’ve seen have where it doesn’t pick up till like somewhere between episode 5-7. Sometimes this can be done well but it can also be frustrating. Oh boy, this show is handling my kind of Alternate Dimension theory though so this means I’m going to be judging it even harsher. The antagonist is apparently from an alternate world that’s more advanced than the main world and well the girl who gave Hayase his power is too so ummm I’m worried that they might not be equipped to handle this well but who knows maybe they’ll do an ok job. Maybe they’ll be what I hope and actually be turning the “Soldier of justice” trope on it’s head and even do a decent job on alternate dimensional theories. My habit is to assume this won’t be the case but I guess I can dream. The show itself seems to have ratings that overall say “Good” or “averagely good” so we’ll have to see.

Also as a little aside, the antagonist is voiced by Jun Fukuyama (the Seiyuu who voices Lelouch) and gotta admit Jun-kun makes a good antagonist. His voice is very Lelouch-like in this Anime though because the antagonist is really confident and seems to have flashy ideals that would either excite or frustrate Lelouch. It’s funny because the protagonist Hayase has the same hair and eye color as Suzaku despite being extremely different in personality mind you. So, I’m just gonna pretend I’m watching Lelouch versus Suzaku. I mean the antagonist even tried to recruit Hayase! That’s just asking me to make the comparison. If this guy was more attractive maybe I’d ship them just by the comparison alone. Ha ha, anyway I’m going to hang in there and hopefully it’ll get even more interesting as I go along but as I said they set the bar high by including stuff that’s up my ally.

Well, I’m not sure what else I’m going to do before Poppy comes home yet. I guess I might call her and ask about whether she has a bag or not. I really hope so because I’m not all too fond of wrapping presents and I might wait till tomorrow morning to make the card for my stepdad. I’m sort of tired so I might even wrap the present tomorrow if I really have to. We’re leaving at 11 so I have some time in the morning considering I wake up early.

Oh I listened to one of Linkin Park’s albums on Spotify. Yeah I kinda was so disappointed with Minutes to Midnight that I stopped paying attention to them for a while but then I heard one of their songs from Living Things on the radio and liked it so I checked it out and it’s pretty good. It probably also has something to do with the fact that it reminded me of Glenn and Cyrus from Chrono Trigger something intense for some reason. I’m sure that I’ll start finding ship songs for all my CT ships and since I’ve gotten to this point with CT I’m passed the point of no return. I probably already knew that though. Ahh, having a fandom that only has one game (the sequel has a different cast so that’s why I didn’t include it) and a disappointing OVA that doesn’t even feature the main characters sure is rough. That’s ok though, I think I might still contribute to the fandom even if it’s really old and probably small. This pain is like Super Mario RPG all over again. I don’t consider Paper Mario games real sequels to it sorry. Oh Square Soft why do you hurt me so? I don’t even like 75% of what you produce but when you struck gold man did you strike gold! That honestly makes me wonder if I had played Chrono Trigger as a kid if I would have actually liked DBZ back then. I wonder if I would have actually been very different in terms of my fandoms if that were the case. Wow, I would have actually related more to my male friends at the time if that were the case. Huh…oh well, I was meant to like stuff when I was meant to like it, just an interesting thought because I technically had the potential to discover CT back then if I hadn’t been lazy/distracted since the music was introduced to me when I was eight or nine. Oh well…

Okay, I guess I’ll go for now then. I have to try to call the hospital and schedule my hysterectomy. I had no idea they’d have someone from the hospital call me directly, I kinda thought the woman I talked to before was the go-between but oh well I guess it’s fine so long as I get it scheduled. I’m hoping it will be relatively soon and that I won’t have to wait until June. Well, bye for now..hope you enjoyed my ramblings.

#365 days of writing #day 104 #Sugi writes

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canaryatlaw · 8 years ago

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Okay, well today wasn't bad. Still kind of overall stressed, but dealing with it. I have time at least, to get all this shit done, get it spaced out over and all that, so that helps. Alarm went off at 7 and I got out of bed and made it to work and made it through the rest of the file for the permanency hearing, which was more of the parents being like "we're not alcoholics we don't need treatment fuck you" all the way to getting their damn kid removed, so I write up some normal permanency hearing questions and took that and the file over to the lawyer who gave it to me to talk to him about it. I ask if they ever made a paternity finding, because there was a whole big thing about it because apparently her "dad" her whole life isn't technically her legally-presumed dad because her mother was married to someone else when she was born, but I never found a finding, and then the lawyers like "oh yeah, well dad passed away in November, something related to his alcoholism." Oh. Well. And he goes on to add the mom is basically on her death bed in the same situation. Don't need treatment my ass. This poor child. She seems like a good kid though, so hopefully we can get her get into some post-high school training if not actual college. I'll get to meet her and interview her Monday. At that point I went back to my office and created a template for permanency hearing questions that I could just tweak for individual cases since the status based questions are largely the same. Somewhere in all of this my eyes were drooping way too much again so I took another 15 minute head on desk session, I might've actually passed out for a few minutes, but when the alarm went off I freaked out for a minute because I was expecting the wrong time for some reason and thought I accidentally passed out for like two hours lol. So I was fairly glad that didn't happen. Somewhere in here I also tried to call my psychiatrist about the whole Xanax thing I was discussing last night, only to be told he's on vacation till the end of the month.....I mean, the guy definitely deserves it, he's partially retired already and probably in his 70's, and I don't want to disturb him or anything, but like, I know him and I know he would want to hear two sentences from me on this issue but I didn't want to say it was an emergency because it wasn't, and if I did they probably would've put me on with one of the other psychiatrists that are filling in for him, and I'm sorry but there's no way I'm trusting anyone else with this shit. I think I'm gonna increase it to 3 mg a day for now at least, which is still within the normal range he said I could try so it's not a big deal. Hopefully that will make finals a bit more manageable. So that was less than ideal, but oh well. All of my events are really out of order for today so idk if any of this happened in this order, but around lunchtime I went to go see my across the hall friend who's now my across the building friend, to see if she was feeling better and if she wanted to get lunch because I, like a kindergartener, left my lunch box in the fridge yesterday (I had actually packed dinner in a brown paper bag for later but I didn't want to pack two of those). So we went to the "bakery" that has super awesome pizza an I got some of their pizza with the seriously biggest slices and ate like, half a slice lol. So good though. It was nice to talk to her though, we traded crazy stories from our courthouse and the DV one, and I was just like man, I'm so glad I have people I can share these things with without them being immediately horrified and me being like "yes I know those are terribly tragic circumstances but if you hang in there for a moment the court moment was really funny!!" Lol, it's gallows humor for sure but I mean gotten let it out somehow. I vent to my brother about crazy cases too, that's helpful since talking about the law is one of the few things we can talk about and actually have a lengthy productive discussion on without it somehow devolving into him being an asshole (mostly, anyway). So there's that at least. He appreciates my stories. So back from lunch and I spent a while organizing orders into alphabetized folders for two different lawyers haha who both apologized for the shitty work but I'm like hey whatever it's all good I know I'm the intern and I'll deal with your shitty jobs if it gets me a good in here. And then I had to show my supervisor how to send in the mid-semester evaluation my field placement supervisor wanted from him (oh, and he apparently knew my FP supervisor like 15 years ago and he was her boss in this office??? I swear he was everyone's boss at some point) because he was getting so lost in computer forms and retrieving files and saving them and electronically signing forms, so I'm just sitting there showing him how to do it and he's like "ohmygosh Rachel, you're so smart!!!" and I'm like trying not to laugh because he's just so adorably funny. And then of course I got to read more of the nice things he said about me which made my heart melt once again because he's literally so nice I can't handle it and his words are always really genuine too so it's nice. And yeah. So I didn't have anywhere to rush to right after leaving the juvenile courthouse today for the first time I can remember since, the summer, since I decided no kickboxing this week because I simply don't have the emotional or physical energy for it, so I was just gonna find a Starbucks to chill in and work on my appellate brief until small group time. So I got to like, take my time leaving and my supervisor is like "Rachel what are you still doing here, you're gonna be late to class!!" and it's like 5:01 haha so funny. So then waiting for the bus I saw the PD that was on the panel we did yesterday so we of course talked about delinquency stuff, like the spring break project from last year and of course eventually got into the whole transferring to adult court thing and I mentioned the slenderman case because that's just the most horrific case of misjudgment by the system and she'd heard of it of course but didn't know the details and she was beyond horrified to hear that they're trying two severely mentally ill 12 year old children as adults and having them face 35 years in prison. Like, we literally have an entire juvenile justice system FOR PRECISELY THESE REASONS. Bypassing it ignores all the science and research and not to mention the recidivism rate which skyrockets when you try children as adults. I'll cap it there though, not gonna go into a full rant at the moment (I know I've already done it on here). I got off the one bus to catch another and had to watch it stop and drive off while I was stuck on the other side of the crosswalk which SUCKS and it was just chilly enough to be annoying out today, but then thankfully another bus came like 2 minutes later which isn't typical but I was very grateful for. So I took that to the Starbucks area, then popped into Walgreens to buy more of their caramel chocolates that Lyft driver got me hooked on (lol) except they didn't have those exact ones, so I got what's basically the same but with toffee pieces and I tried a little and they're pretty amazing. So then I went to Starbucks and got an iced white tea lemonade and tried to surreptitiously eat my sandwiches (I mean I was facing the window so I didn't have to be all that secretive about it) and start the behemoth that is gonna be finishing my appellate brief, and I pretty much immediately felt lost, but always over like the stupid stuff I could find like whether saying "don't use the party names" meant the given names or the terms plaintiff/defendant....(it's the prior, I think anyway) but I figured as some sort of game plan I would work on fixing the argument section based on the feedback I got from our prof, since that still is the substance of the brief, and then work on adding all the extra parts. Half of the edits she gave me though we're like about ordering the arguments and shit and it just pissed me off because I like the way I order my arguments, dammit, because IT MAKES SENSE, and I'm sorry if it doesn't fit your blue book standard but my boss at my actual job where I submit actual motions to actual court seems to be quite impressed with it so you can take your argument order and shove it.....(note please that that wasn't actually directed at my prof, cuz I kind of like her, and I know it's the curriculum and not her setting the standards). But that just annoyed me cuz like, real life isn't legal writing fact patterns. You're not always gonna have an analogous case and a distinguishable case, and you're gonna have to make it work. I just....I get too worked up about all of it. But I at least made some progress on preliminary efforts, so maybe, 5% done? It's a start, at least. I walked from the Starbucks to church which is like a ten minute walk and even though it was still a little chilly I haven't done any walking for the past two days and I haven't had any chance to work out this week (I likely won't go to the gym tomorrow because I have no reason to be downtown) so it's something at least, to go with my push ups (which I think may be hurting a muscle in my side, because trying any new physical activity is basically let's see how I can piss my body off this time for me). But yeah, small group was good. This was something I meant to mention quickly on my last week's recap of it, but I think I might have a teeny tiny crush on one of the guys? Like it was in my head last week but it was barely anything, then I get in there today and we start talking about the marvel tv shows and you know I can talk above superheroes all damn day haha so that was enjoyable, and then he was being like "yeah it was cool being at my cousins wedding this weekend but it's also so weird being single at a wedding" and I'm like alright, that might have been a subtle hint, lol, and of course as soon as the idea even entered my head I spent the rest of the night pretty much planning our wedding when I haven't really decided if I even like the guy yet, lol. Physically he's not like drop dead gorgeous, but he's definitely not ugly and has a certain charming quality to his appearance, so I can work with that. The rest of small group (I almost just wrote Smallville) was good too, we talked about a passage in 1 Corinthians I was familiar with about love and of course I got to opine about my deep theories on the issue about how basically the passage is indicative of the entire problem of "religion" and what the church is facing today- that is, they have all the rules, all the right answers, but without love following through all of it it's basically useless, and I feel like that's so on point for what the church is dealing with right now. Like, no. Love meets you were you are. Love is right in there with your mess. Love doesn't require you to clean up your act before you're welcomed into our church. Jesus certainly didn't require it to be let into his presence, so how dare we even try to do it? And yeah, other random deep shit like that, lol, you get the picture. Took the train to the bus as my normal and AGAIN had to run to make the bus (this was a different stop, but same bus route) and again had to bang on the door to get let in while the driver was looking so put out by it and I'm just like....calm your tits lady we're giving your company money but being here, lol. But I got home, didn't almost get run over by a car but had the weird experience of a car stopping fully at a red light, and I started crossing, and then they suddenly started driving again and blew the light by like, a mile. They didn't even come close to wear I was crossing so I was never in danger or anything, but I was like seriously, wtf man? Who does that?!? Idiots. For home and watched Powerless, which was cute of course, then Riverdale which just left me with the comment that this is the one teen drama where all the high schoolers have it together for the most part and all their parents are going batshit crazy, lol. But I enjoyed both, and that pretty much wrapped up my night. And it's late, and I get to sleep in which I'm very glad about, but still I'm tired and want to go to sleep now, so that's what I will do. Goodnight mis amigos. Happy Friday.

#daily journal #April 2017

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borntoslay · 8 years ago

Text

some Johannesburg thots

DIAMOND HEART

I was surprisingly oblivious to the fucking fact that

Because

TBH ...

like T B H... i was so annoyed when she got engaged LMFAO like literally she was like He Gave Me His Heart On Valentines Day<33 and i LITERALLY was like

But once it was pointed out to me the whole song made sense Lol it chronologizes her life in a similar way to BJ † AF, with the first verse covering her go-go dancing days with her newly revealed (post-Till It Happens To You) trauma, (“some asshole broke me in, wrecked all my innocence”), with the second verse “a cruel king made me tough” being about Lüc Carl (”I’m just a holy fool, oh baby, he’s so cruel”)... which could place the trauma sometime either RIGHT before she made it big (~2008), or during The Fame (2008-2009), because she dated Lüc again during TFM/BTW... but with the bridge (“better get a good look baby, ‘cause soon I’m breaking out of here...”), we can place the entire song as pre-The Fame (2008)!

So the song is saying that she’s had bad ...romances in the past, but she managed to find “the one,” (”I might not be flawless, but you know I got a diamond heart”)

The only thing I’m confused about is whether she wrote this song pre- or post-breakup with Taylor... it seems like everything from LG5′s first attempt (the one that RedOne produced 8 tracks for, with a single to be debuted at the 2016 Grammys) got scrapped when Mark Ronson was brought in to produce (~January/February 2016), and Gaga was notably distant from Taylor throughout early-mid 2016 before announcing they broke it off...

Hmm

A-YO

JOANNE

So obviously I know this post is mostly just a joke but... what if it’s not?

Honestly, I know where you’re going And baby, you’re just moving on And I still love you even if I can’t see you anymore Can’t wait to see you soar

“So just so you know, someday you'll be up here instead of me, and I'll be sitting in the back cheering all you guys on.” (~2010–2011 at The Monster Ball)

“I hope that you always remember this time in our lives together, when we painted each other’s faces and called each other “Monsters”. Talked about love and art, all night long. Every year when I travel around the world, I always wonder if things will be different. Maybe one year you won’t come to the show, or you’ll be less festive, or not dressed up. What I realized during ARTPOP is that we belong together and sometimes some stories have no end. I will follow you around the world as long as you’ll have me because I love making music, I love making art and I love, love meeting all of you beautiful and creative people. When this song is over, the clock will start ticking until the next time. I appreciate you so much, thank you for believing in me always. I’ll always believe in you. When I die, they’ll say, “Lady Gaga was special, but her fans, her Monsters, they were really something.” (2014 at the final ArtRave)

JOHN WAYNE

All songs with male names as the title are metaphors for her male partners; all songs with female names as the title are metaphors for herself!

Alejandro, Judas, John Wayne

Bloody Mary, The Queen, Venus, Donatella, Mary Jane Holland, Gypsy (with the exception of Joanne... except technically Joanne could be literally named after herself S0)

Hmm... John Wayne is lyrically about going for joyrides and both John Wayne and Judas had motorcycles in their videos so I was thinking maybe there was something more to it... like maybe all of the songs about male partners have this in common... except Alejandro doesn’t have anything to do with cars...

but then I remembered the existence of Summerboy, which technically could count as a male name... “hey there Summerboy, let’s go for a drive...” and THEN i remembered that there’s this:

which was pointed out as eerie foreshadow 1.5 years ahead of this:

which is might’ve lead to “bust the rearview and fire up the jets ‘cause it’s you and me, baby, for life” in Gypsy... not to mention we also just got this for John Wayne

So she’s told this same story... on every single album.......¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿ and it still slays us every single tiMe¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿???//¿¿

DANCIN’ IN CIRCLES

This song is about masturbation, and some fans noticed it’s also an acronym for DIC...

Glitter and Grease is also a song about masturbation, and also an acronym for GAGA (Glitter And Grease Around)...

PERFECT ILLUSION

EXPECTATION: COULD THE METALLICA / GAGA COLLAB AT THE GRAMMYS FINALLY BE THE DEBUT AMERICAN TELEVISION PERFORMANCE OF PERFECT ILLUSION??

Reality:

Anyways, as with all her lead singles that I initially hated, I have really grown to adore Perfect Illusion. I hope it gets a true epic moment that it deserves... sigh

MILLION RAISINS

If you think about it, every single song performed at the Superbowl was laced with a double entendre, whether it was already written into the song, or it was freshly baked in due to current events.

Obviously her God Bless America / This Land Is Your Land medley has been deciphered as the latter was written as a protest song, tapped off with her excerpt of the Pledge of Allegiance, “ONE nation, under god, INDIVISIBLE, with liberty, and justice for ALL”...

Dance in the Dark, a song about finding a way to be happy when you’re living in fear and insecurity; “Tell ‘em how you feel, girls”

LoveGame, a song essentially about embracing your sexuality

Paparazzi, “We are the crowd” / “Don’t stop for anyone”

The Edge of Glory, a song about the passing of her Italian-immigrant grandfather who she saw as a champion of life in his dying moments

Poker Face, a song about bisexuality!

BORN THIS WAY IM FUCKING CRYING

Telephone/Just Dance, following her mission with this performance of wanting to make everyone feel good + forget about their fears, “I don’t wanna think anymore, I left my head and my heart on the dance floor” / “Just dance, gonna be OK”

Million Reasons has a new meaning for everyone feeling scared, feeling unsafe, wanting to abandon the country altogether, maybe even wanting to give up on life altogether; “I’ve got a hundred million reasons to walk away... but baby I just need one good one to stay”—she starts off the whole song with “America... world... how you doin’...”, ever-so-subtly changes just ONE lyric, and saying it while looking and even pointing to camera TWICE, “I bow down to pray, I try to make the worst seem better. Lord, show me the way, to cut through all his worn-out leather...” and it’s immediately a different song from the one she wrote and released pre-Trump presidency.

Bad Romance, with the country of course!

SINNER’S PRAYER

When The Fame first came out, there were reviews for it citing Brown Eyes as the worst tracks because they come off inauthentic and I was like

But now we enter the Joanne era where she’s a country/folk singer seemingly out of nowhere, and although this is a perfectly good song, this one stands out the most, to me, as inauthentic. A-YO, John Wayne, and Dancin’ in Circles manage to take influences from the genre and turn them into pop songs, Joanne manages to still sound like a traditional Gaga ballad (Princess Die, Living on the Radio, I Wanna Be With You, etc)... but Sinner’s Prayer just... doesn’t.

I was thinking maybe it’s the instrument choice (guitar instead of piano)... but Joanne is basically done entirely with a guitar and there was no problem on that one... IDK

COME TO MAMA

“So why do we gotta put each other down when there’s more than enough love to Gaga-go around?”

God imagine if this was a Born This Way bonus track would we all have even made it all the way to 2017? Holy fucking shit. This song feels like every single good time I’ve ever had with the friends I’ve made through Lady Gaga, and, to that extent, this song sounds like every single time I was happy since 2009. I love this song so MUCH

The double-entendre here is that I can almost guarantee that this song was written with the intent for it to have become Hillary Clinton’s theme song, so it touches a lot upon the current state of our country... AS WELL AS, of course, the current state of her fans as she, “Mama” Monster is seeing that we all seemed to have forgotten all the love and acceptance we practiced during the Born This Way era.

Man, it wasn’t that long ago we were all living in the jungle...

Who are you gonna follow? There’s gonna be no future if we don’t figure this out...

Speaking, of course, about Hillary’s candidacy in regards to the country’s problems, as well as about needing to resolve her fans’ sudden indifference following ARTPOP and C2C if she’s to maintain her career!

Dude in a lab coat and a man of God Fought over prisms and a forty-day flood Well, I say rainbows did more than they've ever done So why do we gotta fight over ideas? We're talkin' the same old shit after all of these years

This is a beautifully written second verse talking about the age-old battle of religion vs science...

As well as the age-old battle of Monsters VS people who like this person; “rainbows” is Born This Way, as she suggests, being more successful and impactful than both... BUT dismissing stan wars altogether “so why do we gotta fight over ideas? We’re talking the same old shit after all of these years; Come to Mama”

HEY GIRL

This, to me, is the most important and necessary track to ever come out of 2016 and literally if you even slightly disagree, fucking block me please

ANGEL DOWN

When this song title and the concept was announced, I was so sure (and uncomfortable at the idea that) she was going to use it as a double-entendre for herself and her hits and misses post-2011, especially with this

But it would seem that she really did dedicate this solely to Trayvon Martin and the Black Lives Matter movement, and that’s exactly how it should be.

I also have a theory about alternate universe timelines and how this song would’ve gone into play if democracy actually existed and Hillary had won the election, but I’ll save that for another one of these days

Ok we are in for a treat, because although I preordered the physical release of the deluxe edition of Joanne, I was so busy through the end of last year that I was never able to import the CD into my library, so I just had the downloaded standard edition leak and have just been listening to that since then...

I heard (a live version? of) Grigio Girls, surprisingly never heard or saw proof of the existence of Just Another Day (which makes me sad that it might not be very good Lol) but I just sat my ass down and imported the remainder of the deluxe edition... so In The Words Of Mother Monster, Hear We Go...

GRIGIO GIRLS

Ok the production on this is just right, it would’ve served as a bridge between Diamond Heart’s genre crossover and Sinner’s Prayer’s flat out genre jump.

I... think,, this might be the weakest song on the album LOL AND I ONLY SAY THAT BECAUSE, objectively, it is. However, I do recognize how important it is to them and their friendship and if I was in that circle of friends, this song might be my absolute favorite song she’s ever WRITTEN! However I’m not, and I can step outside of that bias and see that this song isn’t nearly as strong as the rest.

It’s kind of like that “Monster For Life” song Gaga wrote for SPW and Lady Starlight + performed a capella at the 2014 SXSW set. It’s very sentimental for them and their circle of friends, but the melody is all over the place, the lyrics are pretty half-assed, so maybe it would’ve been better if these just stayed personal songs

I have a rule for songs (which I’ve started using with ARTPOP), and that is, “IF the song I dislike were a bonus track, would I like it more?” When Applause first came out I HATED it, but used this rule and TBH if it were a bonus track, it would’ve SLAYED MY WHOLE LIFE! (For the record, I ended up loving it all on its own just a couple of months later so don’t come for me) I also used this rule on Donatella, Dope, Fashion! and even Swine and Gypsy... and magically they’re all perfectly ok songs... but this rule doesn’t seem to be working on actual bonus track, Grigio Girls!

AGAIN, don’t come for me, I understand its importance and how personal it is

JUST ANOTHER DAY

OH MY GOD. WHAT THE FUCK THIS SONG IS SO GOOD... I THINK PROBABLY TOP 5 OR EVEN TOP 3 FAVORITE FROM THIS ALBUM??? HOW THE FUCK YALL PAID IT DUST IT IS SO SWEET AND PERFECT OMFG IT KINda sounds like Oh Well and Blueberry Kisses¿ especially with the horns and the way her voice sort of marches across the melody

Honestly this was literally me listening to it just now oMFg

but anyways omg i LOVE IT WHAT THE FUCk wow ok here’s my final rating I THINK

Come to Mama / Hey Girl

Just Another Day

A-YO

Dancin’ in Circles

Million Reasons / Angel Down / Perfect Illusion / John Wayne

Sinner’s Prayer

Joanne

Diamond Heart (sorry)

Grigio Girls (SORRY)

AnYwAyS thats all! I love this album : ‘ ) I think aside from Grigio Girls (SORRY!!!) even the songs that I don’t really like are still really good

And I still stand by the idea that she should re-release Joanne like she did with The Fame/The Fame Monster and call it Stefani Joanne

Ok thats all

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citrussam · 8 years ago

Note

describe your oc: all the questions. literally all the questions for jude thanx

JESUS CHIRST

here we go (will put some under the cut)

1: their voice

Ashly Burch (but a bit deeper)

2: their smile

i’m bad at describing things but all i can say is that half smirk a pretty girl gives off and it makes u really gay

3: their greatest achievement

Stole a fuckin car from a salesdude and using that car to steal 3 cartons of Alcohol or nearly died but managed to parkour around campus roofs

4: their insecurities

as in big ones it’s probably hmmmm her appearance? she would feel bad bc she thinks she feels sloppy 24/7

being too open to people

her own personality sometimes that she gives off like “am i being too nice”

5: their shortcomings

never being the person she wanted to be in the first place

she’s a mess first off lmao but she tries to keep things organized bc she feels bad about it

Lack of control over her own nerves often

Lack of better understanding with her own conflicting emotions (like idk “she’s right. i’m dead wrong 100%”) and combating this with 40% of her self oriented nature

6: how they deal with grief

me: BO i

you’ll notice p quick bc she’ll isolate herself from everyone and linger a lot around town (won’t even talk to Allen tbh) skipping class

legitimately beat herself up

i would’ve said alcohol but i feel like she already knows it wouldnt help not even an inch (but maybe would try again anyways)

7: how they like to dress

some days ripped jeans, some days leggings or just ...denim shorts (or sports shorts)

you’d always see her with some weird ass tank top or graphic shirt that says smth funny on it like “i woke up like this”

draped over you’d see her wearing those denim or bomber jackets with pins on em’ or just a rugged flannel

at home it’s just a sports bra and regular underwear bc “It’s like prison” - Jude

[more under the cut]

8: what they like to eat

probably those fuckin chinese seaweed thingys u see on CNY also probs a really good bowl of fish noodles

do not bring rambutans near this woman

9: their theme

high key punk rock goddamn alternative aesthetic

10: their fashion sense

she literally just grabs what can be seen first in her wardrobe pls help her

but she keeps a decent fashion sense, esp if she’s going somewhere where she knows pretty ppl would go to

11: their family life

Jude: what the fuck is a family

no father figure, no mother figure (i mean, if u include Alice), the closest thing to a family life is during her early teen years when she crashed with Alice in her apartment bc apparently she had to travel alone to where Jude lived in so Alice just took her in and i guess that’s the first time Jude felt useful and had purpose

also like she looks up to Michael and Raymond as brotherly figures

12: their romantic life

from bad ends in the past she thought the feeling of romantic relationships were 2 dimensional and really just dated for the heck of it or just thinks would numb what was kinda left for her to actually experience a good moral value (idk how to type or form words at this point)

she did at one point tried to take it seriously but ended up getting shit on and never really found interest again until Allen came along

so now she’s doing her best to keep this one afloat and staying honest and making sure everything is okay even when they occasionally fight

13: their embarrassing memory from years ago

accidentally flashed her tiddies in front of a teacher she had a slight crush on (it;s a female substitute)

accidentally mistaken a twin brother as her date during prom and kinda made out a bit till ppl started pointing it out it wasnt actually him

Jude: i’ll never recover from it. my tits are cursed.

14: how they react to burning their tongue on food

she’ll stay frozen like a goddamn cat that has something on their head

either that or just keep pushing on like “but it tastes...so good...”

15: how they react to a brainfreeze

Pain(tm)

screams if she’s not in public but she’d try to do those goddamn life hack methods on pushing ur tongue on the roof of your mouth

16: their dreams

man she just wants to be like those ppl on bandcamp that writes songs for a living also probably start journalism and make muns off weird articles she’s been hired to do online or smth

she’d love to have a munchkin cat (wait that’s not a dream)

nothing very big atm, though she would love to marry Allen sometime in the future if they can still work things out and maybe settle in somewhere nice

17: their ambitions

Music Artist/ hosts on travelling networks / cafe owner (is tht an ambition) / like i said she doesn’t aim for anything big or huge just managable things

18: how they sleep

sprawled while laying on her back, if someone is sleeping over tho on the same bed she’d keep it to one side, and with Allen it’s like being chained to the bed when u really want 2 piss but ur gf is holding u down

also doing that thing where u tuck ur arms under the pillow while also sleeping on your back

19: their reaction to betrayal

wide spectrum depending on the person

immediately try to physically harm them

would be frozen in place like trying to piece together what the fuck just happened

saying it’s fine, and then going home just to lock herself in the room for idk how many days

would question a lot (is that how some ppl react)

doubt herself

20: their reaction to a mystery love letter

flattered but anxious bc like “i don’t know you but im flattered????” she would still appreciate it tho but if she recognize it she’d be flustered

21: how they react to pain

if u meant by heartbroken broken depressed broken into pieces kind of pain she’d try a lot of ways to beat it the hell out of herself

if u meant by physical pain then hm “it’s ok it doesn’t hurt”

internally : AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

22: what they're like on two hours of sleep

still could have enough energy to jog tbh depending on the day before

accidentally spreading toothpaste on toast

23: how they act when they're sick

a tad bit moody and would complain “if i havn’t done _______ i’d still be ok” and kinda half blame herself but also blame whatever caused it

24: what motivates them

The fact that Allen would be happy with her and that they’re still alive

also bc music and all that jazz

25: why you enjoy them

i have....a type...for characters that are like her idk how to properly explain it but i guess although they seem p oblivious to the risks they know their limit and are very understanding ???? taking caution of someone else entirely before theirs (is not healthy but) i find their determination very inspiring?? in a way??? idk im like running on watered down latte and only had 2 hours of sleep atm i might re edit a lot of things here

#ocs #long post #jude #I DID MY BEST IM P SURE I WINGED 80% OF THIS #keycchan

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havens-most-wanted · 3 years ago

Text

Scraps - Trashcan Edition #2

Jak/Razer

Warnings: badfic, ooc, noncon kissing, abuse, poop, bubble baths, cringe, idk

Rating: T

Written in 2006 or 2007 while in high school.

Unbeta'd

Heavy

When Jak came to he knew he was longer in his room, as the smell and noises were quite different in fact.

“No,” a heavily laced German voice stated. “It is unnecessary.”

“But you obviously had no problem causing the crash, I can’t see why you wouldn’t do this.”

‘So he did do it,’ Jak thought bitterly, but kept his eyes closed as he listened between Razer and the other man’s conversation.

“It is indecent. I don’t do that, it is beneath me,” Razer snapped.

“You seem to forget who’s in charge here, Razer.” A smack of skin hitting skin echoed through the room. Jak peaked out of one eye to see Razer below the shadowed man, holding the left side of his face. “We’re not a decent class of society. We’re criminals. So drop the high life you put yourself on and face the truth.”

Razer was silent.

“You sicken me,” spat the other man. “Do it. If you don’t, you might as well put a gun to your head. Rayn’s team will feel this blow and it might be enough to knock them off for good.”

The shadowed man pulled Razer’s hair, forcing the German racer on his feet. “Don’t fail me. I’ll be watching.”

Jak closed his eyes again as he heard the door shut. The room was completely silent. Assuming he was safe, he opened one eye slightly.

Razer was still in the corner, muttering to himself, not noticing Jak or much of anything else for that matter.

Cigarette butts littered the floor, a single light was lit above him, the walls covered in rust. If Jak knew any better this was a warehouse.

Jak knew he had to get out of here quickly.

He lifted his left arm, and let out a low hiss of pain. He knew his wrist would probably be messed up. Thankfully, although still painful, his ribs were healing quickly and so was his leg.

Unfortunately, Razer had heard Jak and approached the blond, sullen-faced.

“Jak.”

Blue eyes glared back into the green ones.

“Razer.”

Razer’s lip was bleeding and his left cheek was swelling up, but he said nothing.

“Pushed by your own master?” Jak spat.

Razer hissed something in German, grabbing Jak’s hair and pulling him towards his face. “You have no fucking idea, little boy. I’ll make sure you wish you were dead.”

No. Jak did have an idea, in Haven’s prison, but he held his tongue. Razer didn’t know that and Jak rather he didn’t anyway.

“It is because of you and your group I have to put up with this,” Razer snarled, “Too bad Mizo insists of fair play.” He let go of Jak’s hair, moving back. “If it was up to me I would have killed all of you.”

“You’re sick bastard,” Jak glared.

Razer ignored him. “But he is getting desperate...capturing you was a last resort.”

“Is it a good idea to tell me your psychological problems?” Jak inquired bitterly.

“But even still...your team is doing well. So we had to resort to extreme measures.”

Jak furrowed his eyebrows. What could be worse than this? Did he kill someone?

“Aah,” Razer smiled, his still bleeding lip made it slightly sadistic, faintly reminding Jak of Erol. “Out of ideas? Mizo certainly isn’t.”

“What are you talking about?”

“This.” And with that, Razer dived forward, grabbing the back of Jak’s head and forcing him up to meet the racer’s lips.

He wasn’t expecting this.

Taking advantage of the blond’s shock, Razer kissed him harder, most likely bruising their lips. The older man crawling over Jakon the bed cot, brushing his gloved fingers over Jak’s body, causing the younger one to gasp, letting Razer slip his tongue into Jak’s mouth.

Jak almost gagged on the assault, trying to push the heavier racer off with his good hand. When that failed, Jak bit Razer’s tongue.

Razer immediately drew back, grunting angrily, wiping the blood from his mouth with his gloved hand. “What the hell was that?” Jark roared, fighting to sit up. Razer pushed him back down, pinning his arms down so Jak was looking right up at Razer’s face positioned above him. They stared at each like that for a moment before Jak kneed him in the crotch.

Razer let out a hiss of pain rolling off Jak for a moment, taking time to cover, swearing at Jak the whole time. Jak took this opportunity to spit out Razer’s blood, and attempting again to escape. But with a damaged leg, he didn’t get very far.

Razer watched him from behind with a slight amusement, taking off his jacket before tackling Jak to the floor, sending the blond crashing to the floor. Unfortunately, Jak landed on his wrist, crying out in pain while Razer laid on top of him.

Noticing this, Razer moved back a little, rolling Jak over onto his back. The blond still had a face contorted in pain.

A ripping of cloth as Razer ripped off a handkerchief, tucking the end of the cloth into his mouth while he worked, grabbing Jak’s left arm, wrapping his wrist up, attempting to keep it somewhat immobile.

Jak watched silently as the 31-year-old worked. It was a...well, nice thing to do, but it really didn’t help that much. He was really wondering now if Razer was completely out of his mind.

First, it was almost as if he was trying to rape me, now he’s caring about my wrist. What the hell?

This kept Jak quiet until Razer was finished. The man looked away for a moment. The room was silent except for their breathing.

“What are you doing?” Jak asked the racer.

Razer didn’t respond. He got up, left Jak on the floor, and locked the door.

Torn paced around the meeting room, grumbling to himself while Rayn, Keira, Sig, Daxter and Ashelin were seated at the table.

Rayn seemed to be deep in thought, Keira was staring down at the tabletop. Ashelin was drumming her fingers on the hard glass, and Daxter was getting more pissed off with every passing minute.

“Well? I want to find Jak already!” the ottsel shrieked.

Rayn, still contemplating, looked up at the group.

“I feel the need to apologize once again for my father’s actions as this what got us into this mess.”

“Listen, we don’t need your scripted lines, alright?” Ashelin stood up. “We have to find Jak before the last race. If we win we’ll need the antidote for him. Immediately.” Ashelin slammed her fist on the counter for emphasis.

Rayn sighed. “I know that. I didn’t think Mizo would go to such lengths to capture an injured racer.”

“Yeah, well, we always knew we could trust that bastard,” Torn said sarcastically.

“Well, I think we should go bust Jak out,” Daxter exclaimed.

“Well I’m open to any ideas for executing that plan,” Torn stated.

“Even if we do beat Mizo, I know he’ll be reluctant to give Jak back,” Rayn stated bitterly. “He’s a sore loser.”

“So are you saying to drop out?”Ashelin asked. “We’ll all die then. Even Jak.”

“Yes, it seems to be somewhat of a catch-22. Win, we get cured, but Jak will die. Drop out, we all die and Jak dies still,” Rayn muttered.

“I say we keep racing and rescue Jak somewhere from now til the end,” Ashelin demanded.

“If that’s possible.”

“Bullshit. You’ll make it possible, you were the one to get us into this mess.”

“I told you, I had nothing to do with this!” Rayn shouted, standing up.

Sig just watched silently, finding this somewhat amusing, the two women arguing senselessly.

Jak wasn’t disturbed again till much later that night.

The large metal door clicked before sliding open. A short eared man stepped through, closing the door behind him. The man cocked his head, observing Jak, who was lying against the wall some 10 feet away.

“I see Razer didn’t finish the job,” he mused, waiting for Jak to retort. When the blond stayed mute, Shiv continued, “Mizo’s pretty pissed. He’s punishing Razer as we speak.”

“Why are you telling me this?” Jak asked bitterly, turning his head to look directly at the gangster.

Shiv was a bit unnerved by the haunting blue eyes. “Because he was supposed to kill you.”

“But…?” Jak trailed off.

“Thank your lucky stars you’re alive Jak. Because Razer will be back. And only he’ll be able to finish the job.”

Shiv left, turning off the lights and closing the door. Jak was engulfed in darkness.

The room was dimly lit, and Razer stood nervously in front of the large cedar desk. Times like these called for a smoke, but the raven haired man knew this wasn’t a time to dare try.

He waited nervously for his boss to arrive. No doubt he’d be pissed. He’d meant to follow through, but…

But...what?

Mizo opened the door behind the German man and stepped in, closing it behind him. Razer froze, keeping his back to the crime boss.

Mizo slipped his hands across Razer’s backside slyly, running his fingers down to the small of his back. They rested there for a minute, enjoying the younger man’s shivers beneath his fingertips.

Mizo moved back, and walked in front of the desk, leaning against the desk, facing his top racer, whose eyes were cast down.

“You failed me again, love.”

Silence.

“I’m disappointed. I thought you were better than this.”

“I apologize.”

“It’s a little too late for that. You disobeyed me too many times. I’m wondering if you can even be trusted anymore.”

“...”

“Well?”

“I am loyal to you.”

Mizo paused and sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. “You know I’ll have to do something about this.” The older man closed his eyes. “Take out your knife,” he instructed.

The German was a bit confused, but complied, switching the blade open, its metal gleaming in the dull light of the office.

“Do you know who gave you that?” Mizo asked calmly, with his eyes still shut.

“You,” Razer replied.

Mizo looked up. “Yes. Rare eco metal. Almost white in colour. Capable to cut a man’s throat with little pressure. The perfect weapon.” Mizo moved closer, so he was eye to eye with Razer, who looked back, somewhat confused.

“So, back to the original question. Can I trust you?”

“Yes,” Razer insisted.

“Is that so?” Mizo walked around the lead racer, studying him. “I guess you’ll have to prove that.”

A loud slap rang out, and Razer fell to the floor, crashing into a shelf, knocking bottles upon him, glass shards strewn in his hair.

Mizo took advance of his shock and picked him up by the collar, forcing him to his feet. His knife was still in his hand, as Mizo shoved him against the wall, the shards of glass digging into the German’s back. Razer’s face was bloody, blood ran down from his nose, as he looked up at Mizo with wild eyes.

“Well,” Mizo mused, as he ran a finger over the other man’s gash on his neck, making him hiss in pain. “You have a knife. Kill me. You can kill me in a second.” Mizo tilted his head back, exposing his neck. Razer raised the knife.

“Do it.”

A clank as the switchblade fell to the floor. Mizo smirked. Razer could taste his own blood flowing over his mouth before he was socked in the stomach. He lay on the floor, gasping for air, but only getting the copper taste of crimson flowing into his mouth.

Mizo kicked his back hard, before speaking again over Razer’s gasping. “Well done, well done. You gave it all up.”

Razer looked back up at him, his vision somewhat blurring red. Damn you.

“I’ll leave you to your thoughts,” Mizo said curtly, pulling the door open and closing it behind him.

Edje, who was reading the paper, looked up at the boss whose shirt was smeared red from Razer’s blood. Edje’s eyes questioned as Mizo removed his shirt, revealing his flame tattoos. He tossed the soiled shirt at Edje and gestured to the door.

“When he leaves, you can clean up the mess with this,” Mizo smiled kindly, before exiting.

Edje looked down at the shirt in disbelief.

Behind the door, the bloodied Razer curled up, and cried in the first time in many, many years.

Ashelin paced around the common room, ignoring the racing stats constantly flashing across the screen.

Five minutes until race time, and they were no step closer to rescuing Jak.

It was the first race of the last cup and without Jak, Torn was thrown back into the mix, much to his dismay.

“I hate racing,” he mumbled as Keira pushed him into the room. “Who the hell are we competing with, anyway?”

“Kleiver, Cutter, and Razer this time,” Ashelin sighed, leaning against the window, the morning light falling on her softly.

“Alright!” Sig whooped, smashing his fist into his palm. “I’m ready for this.”

“So am I!” Daxter announced, stepping into the common room, his large ottsel shaped helmet sliding down, blocking his view. He crashed into the couch.

“Not this time,” Ashelin said, pulling the ottsel’s helmet off and tossing it across the room. Daxter fumed.

“Hey babe, just because you got big boobs doesn’t mean you walk over the Daxternator!” he yelled.

Torn kneeled down so he was eye-to-eye with the ottsel. “Can it, rat. Tensions are high enough as it is.”

Daxter shut his mouth and went to pout in the corner.

“Alright, Sig, you’re taking the Anvil again, right? I’ll take the Road Blade--Torn, which one for you?”

Torn shrugged. “I could care less.”

“And welcome back, racing fans!” G.T. Blitz’s face filled the large screen TV. “It’s time for another race for the season. And what a great season this is! I’ve never seen such excitement!”

“Indeed, G.T.,” Pecker waved on the screen. “But since Jak has gone missing, Rayn’s team must step it up. Rumours have it that the mysterious ‘Mizo’ has captured Jak, and--”

The blond man shoved the moncaw out of the way. “Let’s get ready to race!”

The group filed out into the garage. Ashelin hopped into her crimson Road Blade and drove off first, quickly followed by Torn, then Sig.

“Hey!” Torn shouted to the black and red Havoc. “Kiss my ass, Razer!”

Shive poked his head out of the car. “What did you say?” he shouted over the rumbling engines.

Torn glanced over to Ashelin, who shrugged. “I guess Razer’s not in the run today,” he thought, before turning his attention to the lights.

Three.

Two.

One.

Razer laid in the porcelain tub, letting the warm water wash over his aching body.

It took him six hours before he left Mizo’s office last night, and wondered why Edje was waiting outside for him, with Mizo’s shirt. So many questions, that man sprouted off, Razer just pushed him out of the way and left, accidentally leaving his blade in Mizo’s office. Oh well, he wouldn’t go back for it now.

When he immediately arrived back at his apartment, he removed all his clothes and slipped into the bath. The water was tinged orangey-red. He didn’t care. The bleeding from his nose stopped when he left the office, but even as he was naked, he was still finding shards of glass here and there, the majority of his fingers cut as he assaulted the shards and removed them.

No doubt Mizo’s group and Jak’s group were racing now, Razer figured Mizo had someone to fill in for him. There was no way he’d let Rayn’s team see him like this. And since UR-86 was under maintenance after attacking Shiv, he figured he was the one on the track now.

Razer had gotten more injuries from Mizo than he ever did through his whole racing career.

He sighed, and lifted his arm, staring at his hand. The bleeding had stopped, but small, angry red welts were along his arm, he didn’t really know where those came from.

He wouldn’t ever be perfect again.

No doubt he’d scar, flawless skin marked with crude lines. At least his nose wasn’t broken. Thank Mizo for that. Scars. There will be scars.

His whole body was numb, the constant stinging now turned into a dull throbbing.

Mizo would call upon him again in a few days’ time, Razer knew that for sure.

With a sink deeper into the tub, he closed his eyes.

And next time, he must follow through.

Jak was feeling incredibly dirty now, being three days since his capture, six days since a shower. The only good thing about all this was that he rarely got any visitors, except for twice a day to feed him. Having a hard time moving, he was forced to relieve himself in the corner. It was probably the smell that kept people away. Not that he could blame them, it was getting pretty bad.

He didn’t even know what time it was either, or even if it was day or not.

Where the hell was everyone else? Have they forgotten him? No they wouldn’t.

...Would they?

Crunching on dirt, as the last cars in the race pulled up. Torn gritted his teeth as he drove up to Mizo’s team.

“I’ll get you next time,” he growled, passing Shiv who smirked.

“Now now, no hard feelings there! This isn’t the qualifiers!” G.T. Blitz stated, walking up to congratulate Mizo’s team, while Rayn’s crew watched, pissed off.

“When the time comes, feel free to cut each other’s throats!” Blitz joked.

“I want to do that already,” Ashelin grumbled.

Days passed, more wins, more losses. Mizo’s team was doing alright without the German racer.

“Good news!” Razer opened the door waving his arms around flamboyantly, then frowned when he smelled the human waste. “Hmm. Too much cheese.”

“Bite me,” Jak grumbled from the cot. He was sweating, and his face red.

Razer strode over, and pushed Jak’s head back with his hand.

“Are you...sick?” Razer asked.

“Are you straight?” Jak countered.

Razer ignored him and pulled out a communicator. “I need a clean up of this place,” he spoke into it then turned it off.

Razer exited for a moment before returning into the room, with a bucket and cloth. He set them down beside Jak’s cot and soaked the piece of fabric into the water. He then took it out and wrung it before going over to Jak who was instinctively moving closer away. Razer snarled and pulled Jak back before slapping the cool cloth onto his forehead.

Jak yelped in surprise, and threw it at Razer’s face.

“Idiot, you’re sick,” Razer snapped and put it back on Jak’s forehead.

“And who’s fault was that…?”

The warehouse door opened and Shiv and Cutter entered.

“Holy fuck,” Shiv muttered holding his nose. “Ready to take him?”

“Yes.” Razer pulled Jak off the cot, forcing the younger elf to lean against him, much to Jak’s dismay. Razer turned his face closer to Jak and breathed, “It’s time,” and pulled Jak closer to his body.

Jak could smell the scent of spice and smoke, as they slowly moved their way across the grounds of the warehouse before going into a slightly better building. Shiv and Cutter had dropped out a while ago, leaving just Jak and Razer.

I could take him, Jak thought as they went through the doors, down a stairs, passing through so many halls Jak soon lost track, this building seemed to be more of a maze than anything else.

When Jak tripped on the stairs, Razer caught him. “You alright?” he asked in a low voice. The blond nodded.

Finally, they entered what looked like a common room, Razer placing Jak on one of the tacking looking couches, so he could take off his red trench coat.

He turned around to face Jak. “Take off your clothes,” he instructed.

“Are you nuts?” Jak asked, pulling himself down the couch, trying to get as far away from Razer as possible.

Razer dove down and grabbed the collar of Jak’s shirt. “Listen. You cooperate, we’ll get this done faster. You don’t, I WILL take them off, whether or not you’re injured. I could care less.”

“Fuck you,” Jak spat back.

“Fine,” Razer sighed, and began to lift Jak’s shirt. “Lift your arms.” Jak struggled as Razer tried to remove his shirt. Getting fed up, the German man pulled out a smaller pocket knife, and tried to make a knick in the shirt. He pulled the fabric so it ripped, and he removed it easily.

Razer held his breath as he glanced over Jak’s well toned chest. Almost perfect, except for the long scars running across his abdomen. Razer reached out and ran his fingers over the biggest scar, from the top of his chest to hsi naval.

“You did that,” Jak stated bitterly.

“I’m sorry,” Razer muttered, then took out the knife again this time working on the blond’s jeans, surprisingly getting no protest at all.

When the pants were removed, Razer stopped and leaned back slightly. Jak was only left in black boxers.

“We need to clean you off,” Razer muttered, “that has to come off too.��

Jak went quiet.

“Would you rather me take them off, or yourself?” Razer asked.

Jak slid the boxers down, only stopping when trying to get them off his left leg, face screwed up in pain as he tried to move it. Razer noticed and helped Jak remove his boxers.

Now completely naked, Jak averted his gaze from the other racer’s, ashamed. He had never been this vulnerable since his days with Erol in prison.

Razer sighed as he watched Jak turn away facing the backrest of the couch. Obviously he was highly uncomfortable with this, and Razer couldn’t blame him.

“Let’s go,” Razer mumbled, coming forward to help Jak to his feet. They pushed open another door, entering a bathroom. Razer put Jak down on one of the benches, while he prepared the water, Jak falling asleep from the heat of the room and the overall excitement of the last three days.

Razer finished filling up the large tub with hot water, then removed his shirt.

“Don’t fall asleep, Jak,” Razer murmured, picking the blond man up and helping him into the bath, then slipping in behind him.

Razer began slowly washing the blond’s back, careful over the gashes and bruises, twice Jak groaned from pain before Razer handed the cloth to Jak so he could wash his lower regions.

The blond had to admit he was highly uncomfortable with Razer watching him as he bathed, but he did feel better as the grime from the events were being washed away.

When Jak was finished, Razer got some soap and began to wash the younger man’s hair. Jak stayed perfectly still until Razer was done and began to rinse.

Razer got up first, dripping wet, his pants sticking to his body, he then offered a hand to Jak and helped him out, once again placing him onto the bench and throwing him a red towel. While Jak dried off, Razer changed his pants. Jak tied the towel around his waist as he watched Razer dress.

“Any clothes for me?” Jak asked hopefully, and Razer turned around to face the half-naked man.

“Hold on,” Razer grumbled and returned with his red jacket, tossing it to Jak. “Best I can do for now. Your stuff reeks, but feel free to keep the towel.”

“Why are you doing all this?” Jak asked, as he pulled on the red trench coat.

Razer paused while he lit a cigarette. He took a drag, then turned to face Jak. “Mizo’s orders.”

Whatever this was, Jak knew it couldn’t be any good, unless Shiv was lying...didn’t Mizo want Razer to kill him?

Razer led Jak back into the common room, as suddenly Jak was pulled back and gagged. He yelled, but it came up as muffles.

“What are you doing?” Razer roared to Cutter as he moved the cloth up to cover Jak’s eyes. He tied the cloth around Jak’s head, and twisted back both of the blond man’s arms. Jak screamed in pain. Cutter ignored him.

“Mizo wants you to take Jak to his quarters,” Cutter shouted over Jak’s screams, until Razer shoved Cutter away from Jak.

“What for?” The raven haired man asked.

“He didn’t say,” Cutter said, and pushed Jak towards the other door. “Let’s go.”

They went up five flights of stairs, Jak groaning with pain with every step. Cutter did not care. He didn’t care about anything.

The group stopped in front of a large set of doors. The German racer looked confused.

“My old room?”

Cutter shrugged and shoved Jak into Razer who caught the other man on reflex. Razer looked up in surprise.

“Mizo’s orders, wants you to watch Jak until tomorrow.”

#shit

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haeroniel-doliet · 7 years ago

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i need more money to buy little art

honestly tho feeling like for that ideal goal existence i’ll try get to someday, i’ll needa be making proper money comfortable and good so i can spend all i like on society 6 and other to buy shirts and bags and just everything to a house all in different art prints (mostly florals) bc just those pictures are like everything i want but just so expensive. i’m trying to sum down like 10 to stickers, bc i wanna do up my laptop, but dedicating to a single decal (thats like 25 ON SALE) is too much esp since i love so much. so ive kinda decided to get a hard cover for the laptop just in case i break it, and just in case i do break my laptop that i can keep the stickers on the hard case and dont lose them to replaced parts. idk seems smart. ill probs buy a kinda shady cover off of ebay for 5 or 6 pound and then spend 20 on stickers for it :] since theyre on sale till 8 am today and its 3 am im probs just gonna settle and order them. might order cover tomorrow w my dad bc i need trust assurance. hes not all on board on the stickers so im just gonna go for it. theyre gonna be like my post cards. i buy so many every place. and no. not trashy postcards. i want art. i have so many postcards of paintings in galleries and so many from comic con art valleys (guess who wants to get so much more and 100% will) i love original art the most when its pretty to me and like everyone who sees it. simples okay but i prefer soft and detailed. excited now i can go to con and also be looking for stickers bc maybe ill get a few cool ones that wont cost me as much as the society 6 ones do. and then my laptop can replicate my walls, displaying all the art ive loved that ive been able to take with me (bc theres so much i obviously dont have on my walls) anyway im looking at these and making some small bc i suddenly realise this laptops got realestate. and the saddest thing w stickers (literally why i had one of those waxy paged sticker books as a child) is that i cant dedicate stickers to a single spot. its so much dedication. what if i buy a bigger sticker and it wont fit? what if i get the perfect sticker for that spot and it wont fit? (over lap i guess) how can i be sure i put them in the right spots to start with? augh i dont really wanna cover just half of it and obviously leave space bc that puts pressure on finding stickers and i might get ones i dont love. i cant get sick of any one bc itll be there (joy of having multiple mean theres less getting sick of anything). anyway i think im happy w the sizes of these 10 stickers and can work w them (also for now i think im just gonna be going around the edges and leaving the apple logo as it is, esp bc it glows and theres already this shitty old smiley face sticker from my old psych teacher and i kinda dont wanna get rid of it, i just wanna add things around it so it doesnt look so: clean (actually dirty) laptop that a child marked as their own)

anyway society 6 has random discounts all the time which is p rad and maybe the day im ready to invest in my own living space and dont feel obliged to check w my parents about just about any purchase, i’ll then subscribe to something thatll tell me what discount is on. that in mind, i think i’ll only get the 9 now, that hopefully wont cost too much, and leave a bunch in my wishlist, bc there’ll be another discount (this is 20% off everything) and maybe that’ll be like 50% off stickers and boy then when my collection is underway you bet ill go for it. and like maxx sticks on their sketch book, if i dedicate to a new book maybe ill get more for that and have a pretty thing to keep and reminisce over (tho knowing me, ill not use it much bc i have a need for pretty things to stay perfect and presentable, and i have a need for everything that i might show to others to be like near perfect otherwise its sucks and ill feel bad bc i dont wanna show it off to people. like my art book, sure i couldve made it all experimental and crap and then edited the real pages together on the computer. but no. i needed everypage to be presentable and pretty and handwritten and creative. and they must go page after page, its so awkward showing someone something and then going “oh wait now these few are empty sorry yeah heres the next page” so i baasically have a book with mhmmm 20-26 pages of beautiful spreads that im quite proud of inside beautiful covers ( i knew id want to be presenting it for years to come) and the back pages are just...empty. and theyll probably stay that way bc i no longer have projects to be doing to fill them with. maybe one day ill grow into myself and grow out the fear of ruining what ive achieved and fill some with new projects to please myself and be an indepenednt artist not just a teacher pleaser. you know its like that with my work too, like it has to have a direction and a plan that will be achieved, and its terribly frustrating when that vision doesnt happen. but i think thats the same with everyone.

anyway on a side note, dont you guys think its so fun and cool how ive not done my post labs that were due last friday? how every night ends up being 3-4 am until i go... mhmmmm yeah i guess nothing is happening. like i hope id bloom and do work at that 11pm-3am window and then i get here, suddenly having lost all track and sense of time and just sigh. its wasted, its basically tuesday already. have to keep telling myself dates bc it moves so weird. i planned on getting shit done two days ago. here we are regardless. and the most ill get done is get those stickers ordered bc that is i guess what ive been half focused on for mhmmm5 hrs. then ill save my 7 dollars or whatever, have stickers on the way, tomorrow order the case and thats one insignificant thing done. then the question will be have i looked at summer jobs? no of course not ive looked at ballet courses. shush. i havent showered for days bc theyve just slipped by too laying in bed, maybe tomorrow ill take a shower and pick up all the trash and tissues on the ground. maybe i will. i know i wont get real work done tonight, and already ill be sleepy till 1 pm and by then mom will be again on me abt sleeping to latesoo... yeah no point. and here i thought id make a quick totes relatable short post about how i need more money to buy stickers and maybe a brief my ideal life is to have enough money to spend on art being in every part of my life and all this being unique so people love coming to my house and go wow its so original and cool. and that turned into a word vent thats so far taken me over half an hour. hi my batterys dying.

lng story short, i’ll order the stickers currently in my basket after so much though, suck it up and do it and know that i have a bunch over in my wishlist for that next maybe even better sale when it happens. the only thing is im taking all the rest as transparent which for sure dulls them down (yeah white background looks sick but for some its just more classy w transparent, then theres this one bear i’m 100% naming wojtek thats in white bc i feel it’ll be best for him, and i guess having him in white will set that theres no clear rules to follow and worst case if it doesnt fit he can come chill on the keyboard side next to my mouse pad thing) honestly i cant tell if i should be getting them all in white and just hope that theyll look gorgeous no matter what. yikes 3 dollar shipping for stickers, ok itll actually be 19.62 pound and using euro card 22.50 in euros.... am i dumb? maybe. and tho im supposed to be saving money up so i have some, i also did get birthday money sorta recently soo... birthday gift from them. first set of stickers. deep breaths ok. my parents told me when i bugged them that i just have to make a decision and not ask them all the time, and he said to get 3 stickers i told him id pick 12 so i think getting 9 is reasonable. also oh shit realising that the delivery time is 1-3 weeks and im staying here only 1 and a half more so i should really order it to scotland even tho it might get ther ebefore i do bc my parents might not rly want to send them up to me. idk ok order to scotland, thank f at least one of my flat mates is staying and tbh i should really bring her some chocolate... shes done me faavours.

#another thought trail rant #this time on buying art in form of post cards and now stickers for the first time and being unsure about everything #when am i sure tho

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hellotvv · 7 years ago

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What a WILD weekend home

Man this weekend has been incredibly eventful...

I’m trying to recall my past weekend, but I wonder if it’s possible to even remember everything.

I believe that I could have went home on a Thursday night, but I decided to go home Friday. There was some plane crash on the 405 freeway, so traffic home was incredibly long. I had to go back home, since I had lunch plans with Catherine and Jenn. I did eventually make it back and pick them up outside a 7 Leaves, since they were together already. I did lag tho, so we finally ate lunch at like 3:30 PM or something ridiculous lol. Afterwards, hmhm I forgot what we were gonna do. I think we went to ultra beauty that’s right. It was at bella terra, I’ve never been before. I was feeling REALLY sick for whatever reason. I felt like throwing up. Idk if it was from being in traffic for like 3+ hours in the heat, getting me car sick/heat sick or idk, and being really full from lunch. But while they browsed ultra beauty, I went outside for a walk since fresh air and chilled. Then I had to drop Jenn back home, but nobody was home. So we went to my place and chilled for a bit, since I was feeling sick. I kinda wanted to just rest at home by myself, since I was feeling bad. I just wanted to take a nap but rip. But after a nice break lying down at home and chatting to the girls, I felt good. They wanted to go to Irvine Spectrum, to take some pics for fun. We did, but it was too dark (like 8:30 PM-ish), so we didn’t really get any nice pics lol. But we stopped by honey and butter, and Jenn really liked the macarons. Then we went to this drinks place, and I bought us this huge cotton candy alcoholic drink. We shared it, and it was kinda fun. I didn’t get tipsy or anything, but prob slightly buzzed. I think Cat was buzzed, but she wouldn’t admit it. Jenn was definitely buzzed lol.

Then the next day, I woke up early to pick up Cat, and then we headed to Anime Expo! I’ve been to anime expo every year, since middle school lol pretty crazy. I think I told the anime expo story in the previous post. Along with some indepth details of convos with Jenn/Cat at lunch yesterday. But yeah, cut the anime expo line lol and saved 3+ hours. I remind Cat to ditch the kcon line in the future like how I just taught her now with anime expo. Anime Expo was overall not bad. Bought corgi plushie, and chilled. Then on Sunday, I met up with Erika. Dang she was fiesty with the text messages. I was slow to reply, since I was out to dinner with Jenn/Cat at jazzcat on Saturday night. Jenn, Cat, and I made plans to get boiling point next time lolol. Jenn later texted us that she had so much fun and loved us! I feel special :D and glad to become better friends with my models ;-;!! Idk photography is lit. Anyways, I was slow to reply to Erika, and she was super passive aggressive like, “oh okay I guess we’re not getting lunch tmrw” and even dmed me that I never replied on ig! I was like omgg O_O!!

But yeah, I replied to her saying sorry that I was kinda busy, and am free to reply! We made plans to hang at like 12:30ish, maybe grab lunch, and then head to sky space la or something. I had plans with helene at like 8ish for dinner. We had to postpone to like 3:30ish, since Erika was in the emergency room for throwing up several times and etc. She was diagnosed with a throat infection and got antibiotics in the morning. So we didn’t get lunch, but I met up with her at her apartment in LA. Since she was in LA for the summer, since she got a job at some news company. Then we headed to this coffee place, took some pictures, and caught up! Asked her about spain, washington, school, her new bf, how she had a class with Stefanie, what she’s up to in her spare time nowadays, and etc. Then she caught up with me, and I felt like I had a lot to catch up with her on. From anime expo, new hobbies, photography, instagram, my new model friends, summer, about SB friends, how Rebecca is a rave fiend now, how Kai is doing, Jessica/Kristy, school, Stefanie and me, how I’ve been to 626 night market/oc night market/ktown night market, chinese novels that I read, tv shows, and so much more. She made me take photos of her, and she took some of me for fun. She liked the photos a lot! Then we headed to Skyspace LA, pretty cool view, kinda pricey, and stayed there for a couple hours taking photos + talking. I introduced her to so many new things lmao and she was so grateful. I showed her/got her into stocks and made her download Robinhood. I got Kristy and Jessica into stocks~ Then, hmhm I told her stories about models, and yeah. Erika wanted to play smash with me, since apparently she wanted to destroy her bf at smash. I told her my smash setup is back in sb lol, and she was like let’s go. I was like O_O... Okay... So she decided to spontaneously go to sb with me lol. I had to cancel plans with Helene, since we were just gonna go to sb lol. But yeah, after taking photos at skyspace, we got ramen in little tokyo, and the ramen place was pretty good. She threw up :( since sick :( she might have coughed up blood too ;-;... Idk if she was good to go to sb, but uhh yeah we went back to her place in apartment, she packed, and then we headed to sb. We played lots of hip hop music, and it turns out she likes hip hop music a lot too. We both like j. cole, drake, logic (she doesn’t listen to him as much tho), some post malone, blackbear, travis scott, and many more. It was pretty cool! We got to SB, then we edited photos together. I showed her how I edit and stuff. Then I showed her my toothpaste lol, since idk she was fascinated by my room and stuff. I gave her my 2nd electronic toothbrush and she tried to buy my toothpaste off me... I was like uh noo.... I just bought it from Amazon ;-; got buy your own! Then we played smash and I taught her. She’s actually probably the slowest smash learner I know tho haha, since I’ve taught Stefanie/Kristy/Jessica a bit before. They all picked it up really fast, but erika took like 3 hours just to kinda understand the controls. But it was fine, it was nice spending time with her and kinda cool having a friend visiting me in SB :D We stayed up till 6 am, and she forced me to take pottermore tests at like 6 am to determine what house I would belong in... Then I passed out and slept, while she slept on my bean bag chair. She could have slept on the other side of my bed or the sofa downstairs, but she was fine with my 6ft bean bag chair. I asked her if I snored, but she didn’t notice at all, and she asked if she coughed through the night, and I told her that I didn’t hear anything. We got bagel cafe, and she enjoyed it. Then went back, played some smash, I showed her stuff like pretty ugly little liars that i found out from my model friends. I don’t browse it, but I figured she would like it, since she likes instagram personalities a lot lol. Then idk I taught her a lot of things like reddit, toothpaste, how I am making music nowadays, lightroom, how I know how to do contouring via photoshop lmao, stocks, and a lot more. She was like mann my eyes are opened now, and thinks it’s cool I have so many different hobbies and know so much, and apparently super good at all of them. Like how I’m good at smash/overwatch/photography/fashion/etc. She was much impressed and grateful for me showing all those things to her. I really enjoy showing ppl new places/teaching ppl new things :D and I thought I showed a lot of stuff to Stefanie in the past too (but maybe she would disagree idk). Then Kai came over and Erika caught up with Kai. They played smash together, and yeah. They talked about relationships, makeup, instagram ppl they follow, life, and idk. It was fun, we got an early dinner together, and Erika told Kai about how I showed her so many things. Then we met up with Harrison, who I haven’t really hung out with in a long time, but we made plans to over the summer. Erika and Harrison went to same HS, and we talked about how it’s crazy how we all met each other. From the fire alarm in 1st year, that let jessica and me meet harrison + erika, to erika convincing jessica and I to go to the A2F meeting which was how I met rebecca + kai, and yeah. Harrison gave us a tour of his place, we chatted and caught up, and Erika told Harrison how I was teaching her smash and how she spontaneously came up to SB with me lol. Harrison was like yeah Theo is top 3 in SB for smash 4, and how Harrison talked to Peter (someone who went to HS with me, and currently living with him) about how I somehow get good at every game I play from League to Smash to Overwatch lol. Then we played mario kart together, got boba together at wake cup, then went back to my place to play sm4sh a bit, then Harrison left. Erika and kai played a bit more sm4sh, then we watched Hasan Minhaj standup on netflix that I showed them. Erika and Kai loved it, and yeee I felt like a cool boy showing ppl all these cool things lmao. Then we just went to sleep and I think Erika threw up one more time. Oh I showed her soylent too. But yeah, showed her many things this past weekend. In the morning, I woke up at like 8 am, and took her to the train station. I played jeff bernat as we waited for the train, and she loved the album lol and was like wowow this is so good. I was like haha. So I managed to show her one more thing before she left, and then we hugged good bye and said to keep in touch. Afterwards, I passed out, and it turns out she accidentally took my charger for my tooth brush.. So now I have to buy another one from amazon ;-;... Overall wild weekend, spontaneous adventures, and fun times with friends. I spent the rest of this day catching up on sleep, since I barely got that many hours of sleep this past weekend. From waking up at 8 am for anime expo, to 6 am taking pottermore quizzes with Erika to waking up at like 10-11ish, then waking up at 8 AM again to take Erika to train. I could have went home for july 4th, but I decided to just stay in sb, since I do have a vector calc test on Thursday.

Glad to make more happy memories though with friends :) hopefully Wednesday will be a great day even tho I have to study hehe.

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survivorindia · 7 years ago

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Disturbing Patrons with my Mental Breakdown- Kendall (Episode 8)

Okay, soooo. I'm pretty sure all of the returnees threw the challenge RIGHT OUT THE FUCKING WINDOW in order to vote out the minority newbies... Aka me.... So, I'm pretty pissed off as it's evident that I'm the only one who actually TRIED at this challenge, when I clearly shouldn't have because I'm extremely sick with strep and should be sleeping all day. SOOO, that was a huge waste of my time and I'm pretty pissed about it... But it's fine, bitches. Satan will see you in hell <3 :*

OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD WE JUST THREW THE CHALLENGE. I have never thrown a challenge before and that was terrifying. If this backfires on me i'm gonna look like a moron but I have good faith. Hopefully bye bye Ruben, Worst case scenario bye bye Casey, Worst-Worst case scenario bye bye allies, and Worst-Worst-Worst case scenario bye bye Jordan

i definitely picked my tribe with the intention of screwing someone over. i think things have revealed themselves nicely on where loyalties still lie, and while one or two people might think they're in the driver's seat, i'm in a good position to shift the gears without them noticing. and that means their car will crash and we all die. hehe. i'm prepared to make a move if we lose immunity, but im not letting that happen. i want to win this one just so i can be safe one more round. figure things out a little more. let tea spill. but i'm not going to let myself make the same mistakes and spill my guts to anyone willing to listen. i'll keep information to myself. i know i'm on the bottom of the returnees alliance and probably the newbies one, too. but i'm content for right now, because ultimately the returnees will start to fall. we'll be picked off one by one. dom wants to throw immunity, and sometimes its not a bad idea to do that, but this round, it needs to not happen. ruben will likely go home but i dont think he trusted me in the first place, so it's his time. sorry.

i'll take his position if he does. lexi needs a #2 and its between robin and myself. i respect robin bc they were there for me when i had no one else there for me. i feel like i've known them for years, but we just met and thats powerful. i have a powerful bond to this person. they're important to me. but this is also a game and i know my competition when i see it. if they have to go at my expense of making it another day, i'll do it. idk if im still a villain or if im becoming a hero. i think that's up for determination.

LOOOL WILD TRIBAL. BUH-BYE, JULIA. GLAD I DIDN'T SEE YOU AHAHAHAAAAA

This is oh so sweet. If everything goes well, bye bye, Ruben! This one's for Johnny.

Can i just say........ HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA FUCK YOU JAIDEN FUCK YOU DOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOLY FUCK SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED SINCE JULIA LEFT. Lets get down to brief overview and how i feel about it 1) Julia gets voted off.....SO MAD 2) Alex, Dom, Jaiden are in clear alliance of three, split the tribes up so everyones pair is separated...so basically...jordan and I are gone, casey and ash, ruben and lexi ...u get the point. 3) They put me on a tribe to fuck me over...im gone when they make these tribes and I come back to the ugliest tribe ever. Jaiden. Robin. Dom. Lexi. Alexis. Ashley and I. Now Ash and I are just sitting there like.................................i – i- this plan is so obvious??!?!? and do those three boys think its not obvious their together and they did this on purpose to FUCK ME OVER!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??! um why u so obsessed with me BACK OFF 4) Ashley calls me at work during the comp and TELLS ME DOM IS TRYING TO THROW THE COMPITITION..................to say that the reason hes doing that is to save casey....thats right CASEY. YA RIGHT DOM FUCK OFF WHO DO U THINK WE ARE..........................now lets talk about this because ...................bitch u really want to try me!?! I know those three boys arent as stupid as their moves are coming off!?!? but do they think this is believable!?!?!? Seriously? Im kinda confused because a) They vote julia equalling in jordan and i coming full force on them.....like if ur gonna go for the two headed snake ....dont go for its tail? Sorry but julia was just a number. Jordan and I are the ones who game talk together and as much as i hate playing with him...i love playing with him if that makes any sense. b) you want to throw a competition...to what? To get me out? um....do you underestimate jordan , kendall and I? Yea were on two different tribes but its clearly obvious im fucked over. As if they wouldnt throw this comp. 5) We win immunity....and you would think the way ppl were acting was as if we lost. But it was so obvious everyone of them threw that and im PISSED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [7:00:19 PM] jaiden: that's fucking bullshit [7:00:24 PM] jaiden: I went back and CORRECTED myself [7:00:26 PM] jaiden: i'm pissed [7:00:36 PM] jaiden: I'm glad we won but FUCK. THAT. [7:09:57 PM] Sarah: ARENT U HA;PPPYYY [7:10:00 PM] Sarah: YUHJGEDSXF [7:10:08 PM] jaiden: that would've been sooooooo bad sarah [7:10:19 PM] jaiden: I would've felt like SHIT if we had to go to tribal all because I made a simple mistake ............Jaiden................You had the lowest score on our tribe. And you think i didnt know I was going if we lost?.... “Simple mistake” mhm HUNTY I BELIEVE U FOR SURE Now its kinda obvious what dom is doing and honestly......................................fuck u wtf do u think ur doing being a better player than me? I cant wait till i vote ur ass out. Please take it as a compliment Actually...wait no fuck u binch face motherfuck i hate u anyways so i was thinking that if we lost immunity ...i could come up with a plan. Jordan gives me the idol, it will be publicly shared, Jaiden will immediately come to me freaking out because hes being a fake ass, asking if jordan gave me the idol...I will tell him (in confidence HAHHAHAHAHAHA) that jordan gave me a fake one and that i only did it so people are scared to vote me out. He'll tell dom so they dont switch votes on Ashley. Then when I get majority votes ill idol out my votes, ashley puts one vote on me, i put one vote on dom so it ties. So if dom plays his idol it will be WASTED ANYWAYS. But if they split votes then ill be safe who cares if ashley goes home. Because im safe and in f13!!!!!!!!!! and hopefully merge happens soon so i can stop doing this. But its ok bc im gonna pray kendall and jordan throw the next comp. Honestly I love Kendall so much I want a f2 with her now that Julia is gone. So watch out for that in the future. http://i.imgur.com/D8kFHyf.gif DONT MESS WITH ME I WILL SELL MY SOUL JUST TO MAKE SURE I MAKE MERGE

Candle added Jordan Pines to this conversation. From: Candle Jordan you know I adore you Sent on: 2:10 pm From: Jordan Pines oh no Sent on: 2:10 pm From: Candle But if you want to make a group chat, do it yourself Sent on: 2:10 pm From: Candle From: Jordan Pines hahahaha Sent on: 2:10 pm From: Jordan Pines this callout XDDDDDD Sent on: 2:10 pm I couldn't have said that better myself Sent From: Candle Kay well I’ve made my point so get off my lawn you damn youngings Sent on: 2:11 pm Candle has removed Jordan Pines from this conversation Candle has removed Gavin from this conversation AYYYYYYYE. YES. KENDALL. YES.

I hate getting lied to at Tribal Councils, but Julia left which is actually a good thing and kind of my fault oops. It's Kendall all over again in Malaysia.

But yeah, things got messy but I got to pick my tribe for the tribe swap. Jaiden and I got on call and decided we were going to split everyone up (Sarah/Jordan, Ruben/Lexi, Casey/Dom), so that's really fun and exciting. It'll be neat to see how everything goes with the pairs being split. Gavin and I are still together which is sweet.

I'm pissed about the vote count at Tribal. Jaiden ruined my no vote streak, but at least he did it on Day 87 for me not getting votes, which is my favorite number.

youtube

I haven't been having fun in India and I never really knew why. It wasn't as though I was losing, it wasn't as though I was in any danger. I was just bored... it felt like something was missing, aside from my soul. So I had a heart to heart with myself over a cup of coffee. I went up to me and said "Me, what's wrong? I've been acting sadder then I usually am, what's wrong egg?" I simply gave myself a shrug and sadly responded "I dunno, I really want to have fun but something is missing... it feels like I am going through the motions," I gave myself a sad sigh. "Oh me, what am I going to with I? How am I going to win a game that I don't have the will to even play," It was at this time I was politely, but sternly, asked to leave by the Starbuck's Barista because I was "disturbing patrons with my mental breakdown," Which was bullshit by the way, I've had like 6 mental breakdown and they are not nearly as tame as me talking to myself. And so, as I argued with the barista and as threatened to call the cops, I had a realization. I have been experiencing the human emotion known as 'pouting'. I have given up because I felt like I had no opportunity to get to the end, that I was either going to get dragged as a goat or voted pre merge. But I have things I can use to my advantage. I don't have to lie down and play dead. If I just pretend to be a good little soldier until merge, reconvene with Sarah and some others, I could do something incredible. For now I just need to play nice. I have decided to stick with my allies. Not because I suddenly grew a brain. Not because I felt some sort of kinship with them or 'friendship'. It's just the best thing I can do Here is an elaboratation on my reasoning the form of a chart: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1qPAkC4IhbNWgE2II29QqNaQFR1rgckfBEK_yKCOat5A/edit?usp=sharing

Oh right, I almost forgot to mention during my ego maniacal ramblings. We are going to probably through the challenge to save Sarah (For strictly strategic purposes... I promise). I say probably because nothing has been confirmed. TBH if we lose, even if it is unintentionally, I'm about 80% sure Jordan Pines will claim that he meant to do it. Welp that's a common side effect of working with a narcissist. What are you gonna do?

Okay so FUCK this tribe swap. I am literally stuck on a tribe of people I have like never even spoken to, that is my fault of course, but damn how did I get so unlucky? Jaiden says he chose me because I am good in challenges and that I am a nice person, I mean that is nice and all but I am now separated from Gavin, Jordan, Alex, literally anyone who I actually liked and was hoping to really get to work with. This counting challenge is also a goddamn mess. Dom has gotten us like -25,000 points already ON PURPOSE. He tells me he likes me and isn't coming after me, but that leaves only two other returnees on our tribe that he could go after; Jaiden and Sarah. Sarah is kind of certain that Jaiden and Dom are working together, which kind of goes against the whole "newbies vs. villains" thing they are trying to start. But who knows. I can only hope the guys on the other tribe will also try throwing some challenges to give Sarah and I a chance over here on this tribe. They don't want newbies to have majority either.

Jaiden picked me to be on his tribe so that was perfect because I really did not want to be on the other tribe. Lexi spoke to me a bit and let me know that Ruben talked highly of me and how she was fond of me for that reason Robin's nice Jaiden's cool and we've both wanted to be on the same tribe for quite a while now so that finally happened Ashley rarely ever speaks to me and forgets to reply constantly Sarah only now started talking to me a bit more since she believes she's in the minority and Jordan probably said she could flip me Dom is a bit suspicious at times but I believe he trusts me and that he wants to take the newbies far I lost it again last night after the results, I should have done my confessional then but everyone already assumes I'm already crazy so maybe we'll save that for later. I feel a bit more calm now but last night I wanted to request tribal and still do sort of but I don’t think it’s possible. I wish I threw the challenge since I hate when the other tribe gets what they want and I don’t want Ruben to go. I like this Lexi, Robin, Dom group going on so I am hoping to solidify that soon and I think they assume it’s newbies vs returnees still. I’m hoping that by some miracle, a returnee gets voted out and apparently Dom just handed Ruben an idol. I believe Jordan assumes I’m closest with him still and that’s why Sarah has been trying to talk to me more lmao! I like Jordan so we'll see where that goes but he's controlling a huge part of the game as of now. Sarah should have tried a bit earlier to speak to me because now it seems like desperation, but I’ll keep playing this middle role, it amuses me. Sarah said she only really talks to Ashley so that's nothing new since I assumed she was close with her from that returnee alliance before the swap. Here’s to hoping the next challenge is something easily thrown so we can finally say goodbye to Sarah or Ashley :)

That was honestly a messy challenge result. I don't necessarily blame anyone for throwing though. I didn't know I was in the negatives so I'm sure everyone probably made mistakes they didn't catch. I'm worried for Ruben. He's the only one from my old alliance on the other tribe. Dom gave him his idol though so he'll hopefully be safe. On another note, I've been talking to the other Lexi. To be honest, if started off because I confused her for lexi my ally. We're getting along pretty well. She's definitely someone I'd like to work with in the future. Jaiden's also pretty cool so I have my bases covered once we go to tribal

#youdontgetmycrownjustcause

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