#might take an edible idk
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i love when I smoke with the intention of "this will help me be more creative" and then i fall asleep at 9 pm
#avery.txt#and now im awake again#might take an edible idk#when grad school starts i cant just fuck around all the time so i'm allowed to Smoke Weed Everyday rn#my first classes are both about like...#management skills.....and then next term i have to take business ethics......#like its interesting but its not hugely my thing yk
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anyway goin home 2day which means everything is v real again and i am going 2 throw up from anxiety i need it to not b stressful n sad there again lol but i wont feel bad sleeping again prolly
#i think we do urn stuff when we get back n that makes me need 2 cry but i cant rn bc i put mascara on bc tips of my eyelashes r blonde so#if ppl r gna see me sometimes ill throw that on if im not feeling makeup n im usually not for more than a few hrs at a time#but yeah just anxious af lol smoking a bowl or 2 b4 i gotta pack it n then like an hourish in might take an edible idk when im feelin in ig#xanax also needs to kick in bc brushing my teeth and coughing both involve way more gagging than they should when im this anxious bc i#already feel like im gna throw up
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what are u even supposed to do when ur high. like just sit around or
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i am. thinking.
#like okay. j have been. questioning certain things for a while okay. and then a coupke of months ago i saw someone make a post#and it said that they were a median system. and when i looked it up i was like. huh. yeah thats. hm. but that was months ago and idk.#i dont wanna say anytging abt any kf this bc what if im not at all. but also what if i am.#i just. dont know. everythings kinda bad rn and this whole confusion isnt fucking helping.#and right now im in so much pain i just feel like doi g something stupid and reckless and probavly dangerous to distract myswld from it.#or maybe ill take some edibles. that might help actually.#whatever. might make shit worse. and i dont think sh whilst ur high would be a particulary good idea#sorry this js all way too much iversharing im. very kinda out of it i think ive been dissociating a hell of a lot reccently
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I really miss sleeping
#went off the edibles in prep for surgery because i don't want them to have to give me enough anesthesia to kill a horse#but unisom aint doing shit and i cant take my trazodone because it makes me even moee nauseous#idk i might try it again but the last time i took it i still didnt sleep and then i was puking in the morning lol
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I want to write so badly; I'm waiting on the usual survey sites to get some more that I can actually do, and I have time to write...
And my brain doesn't wamt* to. :(
*wamt here meaning my brain feels physically tired and i just. don't want to do much of anything at all, but if I sit here doing nothing my brain also hates that.
#text post#I probably need to go downstairs and nibble something#maybe take my first edible for the day#but I don't want to waste food or edibles so im also trying to wait as long as I can for that...#but I would probably feel less ick if I just did the damn things and then went back to my drafts so...we'll see lmao#it's that or i take an undeserved nap considering how much i slept last night and i might feel even worse after that#idk idk idk my brain needs to just. fucking Decide and let me do a thing whether that's eating or edible or writing or napping just.#something pls!!
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HAPPY CRISIS <:D [bg]
#913's art#cw christmas#ok to rb#digital art#medibang paint pro#♡ pyrrha alexandra#Pyrrha Alexandra#self ship art#self insert#self insert community#self ship au#wlw self ship#//awaaaaaaaaawawawawawawa kissy kissy mwah mwah#//also yes cj is wearing a machine girl tee im obsessed with the wlfgrl album sm rn#//i wanna draw more but like-#//unfortunately ive spent the last few hours nauseous but this time idk why. might just take an edible idfk we'll see#//anyways yes merry chrysler
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the instant relief I felt when the mechanic called to let me know he found the oil leak culprit and that it was only going to be $300 to fix ... dont even care that i have to leave my car there until tomorrow!! now I can actually relax and enjoy my weekend
#[static]#been keyed up about it for weeks but it sounds like its just a small part that needs replacing instead of the whole big thing we thought-#-it was at first .... and like $1500 cheaper than I thought it was gonna be#i really like the mechanic i go to he's very thorough and honest and im lucky hes just in town#dont have to drive to the city or anything!!#he said hed keep an eye on the part i thought it was since its a common leaking area for the 2010 prius but hes 100% confident it shouldnt-#-leak anymore or cause there to be oil on the part we suspected it was in the first place#gonna take an edible and watch supernatural lmao#might play me3 tonight? but i just need to turn my brain off for now and relax#i was literally watching old pre-recorded spongebob episodes with the 2001 ads and all to get myself to chill out before they called lol#but i feel sooooo much better now i dont even care that idk when im gonna pick my car up tomorrow lmao
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ive taken a whole gummy at this point (over like 3.5 hours) and i feel absolutely nothing 🧍🧍🧍🧍🧍🧍🧍🧍🧍🧍🧍
#i thought edibles would be so niceeeee#i don't want to smoke it's bad for my lungs 😔#i guess i might as well take more?? in a bit?? idk#ill give it another half hour or so
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My mom was just like ahhh Im anxious to go out of my comfort zone and I was like you’re good how is this out of your comfort zone you’ve done this before and she was like why do you always judge my feelings and say I’m not allowed to feel that way I should feel some other way and I’m sitting here like :| as if she hasn’t done that to my my entire life and as if I didn’t mean you’ve done this before as a you got this sentiment not get over urself
#literally she said that and I just put my headphones on and went into my room bc if I had stayed out there I would’ve said ‘like you’ve done#to me my entire life’ and she would’ve had a shitty night and yelled and/or cried at me and I would’ve felt bad#so I just put my headphones on and walked away and it’s just like god how can she be so fucking unaware#like I got these fucking habits from somewhere like you think maybe growing up depressed and suicidal in a family that didn’t talk about or#publicly feel their emotions made it difficult for me to express things and you think maybe you making me feel bad constantly because of my#depression and on top of my depression might have transferred into me saying things that hurt you and not meaning it#but I can’t say any of this becusse obviously she didn’t mean it at the time she didn’t know how to deal with me but fuck man it just fucks#me up cause i don’t want to be constantly trying to get pay back against my mother or whatever but I also feel like she’s constantly trying#to say shit to me about her going on dates or whatever when I have repeatedly told her I don’t want to talk about it and I don’t like when#she jokes about it and I tell her to like get a hobby other than men and like I’m joking but I’m fucking not#like she spends all her time out with guys or talking about guys or texting guys while we’re supposed to be hanging out and I have both#never felt more isolated and alienated from my family and have never felt this weirdly connected to my family#like I feel like how my mother felt when I was doing stupid shit and she didn’t want to say anything and when she did I’d be an asshole but#she’d be right and idk it’s just like how do I stay mad at my mother while doing the same things she did to me then#but how do I stop doing them if I can’t address why I’m doing it and how do I address it if I feel like I need to tell her#but I’ve told her and it doesn’t help it only makes her feel bad#how do I let myself feel my emotions. how has everyone else been doing it this whole time and it’s fucking impossible for me#ugh.#fuck.#I’m gonna take one of my crying edibles and see if I can get listening to some sad music and let some tears out of my face#and then I’m gonna play Minecraft tonight with 🧍🏻 and he doesn’t know I have a pet bird yet or about my trip so that’ll be fun
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Anyway I'm depressed what do we wanna talk about
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warning for talk of recreational drug use in the tags
#yall have been warned#anyways. hi everyone its 3:20am and i need to sleep but my brain is too busy#im currently heavily contemplating what to do with. uh. the last edible i currently have#bc i kind of wanted to save it to share with a friend or smth bc its strong enough to split#but like. i could also just eat it by myself. i could just take the whole thing and be stuck on my bed for like 5 hours unable to move lmao#thar sounds kinda fun to me lol but like. id kinda like to be able to share with a friend or smth. that would also be cool#*that#its too late to take any tonight so ill save the decision for another day but like. idk when ill have access to this again so i wanna -#- make it count#i might actually ask my mom to see if she'd be mad if i snagged like. one gummy from her stash or smth. worst case scenario she says no#sorry to all of y'all for talking bout this shit here but im extremely tired and i need to purge my brain of the Many Thoughts#and the easiest way to do that is by oversharing on the internet <3
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n e ways. high
#or at least getting there. angry that my bf can never put my fucking pen back where it belongs so i had to take an edible instead#like. im so done w being annoyed or mad at him genuinely i am. i wish i wasnt such an angry person#but also like. grow the fuck up and realise you are Also an adult human being. to err is to be human but fucking Come ON.#anyway. who wants to come kiss me sloppy style.#might watch saw again maybe saw 3d idk i havent decided yet. tho i think i want to see hoffman so. :)#talk tag
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.
#my depression is kicking my ASSSSSSSS the last couple days#ik it's cause I need a routine and need to stop consuming so much weed but yeah#im also going through a heartbreak right now so that isn't helping#i got rejected#sort of#rejected for a relationship#but not as a fuck buddy#and having fun#he's allllll about me being a fuck buddy#idk what's worse#17 years older than me and he wants a fuck buddy#I'm also really fucking irritable right now and idk if it's my withdrawal or my depression#im taking 30 days off from edibles i think my brain needs it#and my pocket#ugh#UGH#ik i'm going to feel better by the end of the week i just need to stay away from the green for a bit and also dating apps#(writing this i might be short on rent next month too)#if this isn't 27 idk what is
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why must i have teeth that hurt so much
#the bin#i hope i can see a dentist in june but it could be july or even later. they hirt SO bad#ibuprofen doesnt do anything to makw them hurt less. i wish edibles cost less bc they help a lot#i might order some but idk how long they take to ship :/ i really need to save my money but oh my god my mouth hurts so bad#hhhh. bleh. i really gotta get all my stuff packed up soon. i guess ill try to start on that tomorrow.#i have no idea how much stuff ill be able to bring. my sister wont come over to figure that stuff out#she says she has no time yet she manages to have plenty of time to come over just to check the mailbox. something i can do for her.#hhhh. im so stressed abt so much stuff. the fact my mouth hirts so bad all the time doensg help#well soon enough ill be moved and i can chill for at least a little while. hhh. i need to get all my stuff packed and labeled asap so im#ready to go very soon. its only 3 more weeks ill be working and only a little more till im moving. hhhh. 1 month and ill be moved.#hhhh. i can deal. i will deal. its really hard with this awful tooth. my wisdom teeth coming in is making everything hurt so bad hhhhhhhhh
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#tag talk#if I can make it through the next two weeks I'll be alright. but damn if it isn't gonna be rough#court date next week and dr appointment the week after. but then I'll be back on track with changing my name and then getting hrt#big changes. but changes I need. changes I tried to start back in February.#I try to have yearly goals. big overarching themes and shit. 2022 was just getting away from my patents and accepting being trans#and then it ended up being a year for processing old trauma. which uhh. really culminated in the February attempt to end all that shit#but February was the start of the new year for me. the start of getting all that personal work externalized. being out and unapologetic#the move this summer has thrown things a little out of shape but I'm working to get it back on the rails#if I can get things sorted by the end of this year then next year is the start of forever for me.#it really will be a “first day of the rest of our lives” vibe. new name. finally getting the meds I need. idk exactly how hrt will go though#I need to do independent research to see if I need to go through health provider or if I can find a clinic independently#been meaning to do that for a hot while but I have been so overwhelmed with other stuff I haven't had the energy.#but like. looking back it hasn't been bad. I was afraid I would lose this year to the move. but that's adhd time blindness speaking#even if it takes four months to move and mentally recover that leaves eight still. that's still a lot of time. I have time to work with#every day I'm still alive is a day I have available to get done the things I want to in order to live happily.#sure I'm damaged as fuck. but that doesn't mean I can't get some good work done. I can make friends and have fun and help people#idk. I'm still in a melancholy state from the heavy dissociation I experienced on edibles. I think I might not do that again#losing control of my head isn't great because my default is suicidal and depressed which isn't super pogchamp of me#I'm gonna do it again once more just to have a second experience because a single data point isn't good data so I want two.#but I don't expect to want to do it anymore. I wonder if the high amounts of stress and anticipation I'm experiencing right now affect it#of course it would. prior mental state of going to affect the trip. that's kinda obvious I guess. maybe I try it again in two weeks#anyway. life keeps going and there is no expectation to fall behind on. falling behind means there's an acceptable pace. which is false#well. that's not true. capitalism and all that. there's a minimum pace for somebody. but that's where community comes in to help I guess#I'm rambling now. bye I'm gonna go take a shower and be really sad about having a dick and balls#it's tragic cause they're really nice dick and balls too. Just not for me. I wanna be a cool guy without even a single ball to his name#is that too much to ask? I just wanna be a man who's a woman who's a man but in a different way than the first time he was.#also. I'm tired of straight guys on dating apps hitting me up. like bro I know you're just gonna want to view me as a woman. no deal#bro is gonna have to be at least a little gay. cause I am not gonna swing like that. better be at least a little bi#some dude's bio was like “let me love the woman inside of you” and like. no thanks please go obsess over femininity somewhere else#straight guys who include nonbinary in their profile because they really just see it as woman 2: gender boogaloo ☠️
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