#might go back and make tweaks tomorrow but i did the thing

[goodluckclove]

How Clove Gardener Writes (an Overview)

I definitely told myself when I started this blog a billion years ago, at the dawn of human civilization, that I wouldn't make any attempt to tell you how to write. You know - other than saying just do it do the thing write it close the blog open the document type type three sentences bam look you did it good job i love you now go get yourself a treat.

But I've spoken to a few writers who seem to benefit from the insight of me just explaining how I write. So I thought I'd give a little peek into my own mindset. I cannot stress enough that this is what works for me. It's a methodology that I've built up over the course of like fifteen years of trying different things, keeping what works, and throwing the rest right out the goddamned window.

If any of this seems new and appealing give it a try. If it doesn't help I'm wrong and bad as a person (no I'm kidding but seriously if it doesn't work that's fine and we're both fine). If it helps you owe me a picture of a frog drawn from memory.

Let's see how long I ramble. Follow me under the read more!

Okay, so let's get this out of the way. I've never taken a writing class. No, that's not true. I took one when I was thirteen and another one in high school and I don't remember anything either of them taught me. Oh and I took an online creative writing class in college, but I also didn't retain anything and the next year I dropped out of college. So I also don't have a degree in jack shit.

What else? I don't outline. I've written upwards of 15 novels (13-15, I honestly can't remember) and I did not outline any of them. This includes character sheets and worldbuilding lore. My first published novel Blind Trust was born from the concept of the Lover's Knot, which is just like some witchy magic lore. I thought it would be cool so I was like "who could maybe be some guys" and then I introduced some guys and then bam 180k later it was Scott and Edgar.

I do virtually no preparation to write a novel other than the vaguest premise and maybe like one cool scene. I did not have a cool scene for Blind Trust, but I do have one for Migration Patterns. What I don't have is an ending. I don't think I've ever written a novel knowing how it ends.

Literally here's what I do. This is all I do. I sit down and I write until I don't know what's going to happen next, at which point I step away and I listen to some music or I go to the museum or I take a nap until I decide how to continue. That's it.

For me it's going to the zoo every day and seeing the monkeys. And every day they're doing something different. Sometimes they're sleeping, or they're pawing at each other, or they're gathering sticks. I can call out to them and offer to show them a card trick or share my Bugles with them, and they might come up to the wall of the enclosure to see what I'm doing. Or they might not. I do not really have control of the situation, but it doesn't matter because they aren't fully aware of me.

At some point either I have to leave the zoo for some reason. Maybe I'm tired, or maybe the monkeys have been pulled in to be fed their lunch (it's bananas and peanuts). Either way I add that day's behavior to the pile and then come back tomorrow.

Once I find an ending I go back and I read through the book again and trim any fat that's in the wrong places while adding flesh to some naked bones. Then I wait a week or more (usually I can only wait a week) and go back and do it again. By that point it's ready to hopefully have someone read it, after which I make small edits and tweaks.

That's how I do it. Or at least, that's how I do it for longform prose projects that I plan to publish. I've written plenty of novels that just stayed first drafts because I didn't feel like revising them and then I moved on to the next one. I don't regret that. I don't consider it a waste of time.

I would never consider a trip to the zoo a waste of time.

Anyways, that's what works for me. I don't know if all of this will apply to other brains. I don't know if any of it will. I figure it might just be useful to get an in-depth look at what I personally vibe with.

I'm so down to talk writing at any time, by the way. I love to do it. Tell me why you aren't writing and I would be happy to listen and try to help. Or just brainstorm. Seriously, my DMs and inbox are perpetually open. Talking about writing is one of my favorite things to do.

Let's go look at some monkeys together.

[munariplans]

your writing is remarkable. saw you were open to doing drabbles for the chaos makes the muse series so i wondering if we can see something about natasha and reader as parents? how many kids did they end up having?

hi anon,

so sorry for the delayed response! i am open to drabbles and requests, and i've written a peek into natasha and reader's lives as parents in this fic below, hope it answers your questions and enjoy!

i would also like to preface that while this is related to chaos makes the muse, you can absolutely read it without having read / completed the series :)

The final lap ensues, your eldest son a tenth of a second slower than the go-kart in front of him, and you sighed. Putting your hands together in a silent prayer, you hoped with all your might that he might be able to pull an early exit into one of the turns, cutting off his only opponent and retaking the lead in the race.

The karts whizzed past the stands, your hair followed in the wind. Each kart’s engine the only loud noises in the air as everyone watched the race with bated breath. Your phone was ringing; probably a note from your secretary. You quickly switched it off as the final turn before the chequered flag appeared for the karts.

Nicholas didn’t make it to first.

Still, you rushed over with the rest of the parents to where the karts were coming in slowly and parking, and quickly found your son with his head down, still sitting in his kart as celebrations for first place rang through the air.

“Hey, there’s my champion,” you kneeled down to his level, smiling as you helped him remove his helmet. “You did your best, and Mama and I are so proud of you.”

“I didn’t win,” was all he said before engulfing you in a hug, soaking your jacket with tears he refused to show anyone else. It reminded you of Natasha’s own habit of doing so, and you only hugged him tighter.

“It doesn’t matter,” you reassured, walking him to the small podium, “It doesn’t matter to me, or to your Mama. There’s always the next race, and the next. We’ll tweak your engine together, so you go even faster, and we’ll review your data together too. You are forever my pride, Nicholas, losing one race isn’t going to change that.”

–

On the drive home, as Nicholas fell asleep in your passenger seat hugging his second-place trophy, you received a text from Natasha at home.

Are you on the way home? I gave up on Nathaniel’s maths homework, by the way, I need you.

You smiled to yourself at the text, shaking your head and turning your attention back to the road in hopes that you would arrive home faster.

–

“Mama, we’re homeee!” Nicholas’ mood was considerably lighter as he passed the threshold of your home, proudly showing off his trophy. But alas, Natasha was not in the living room as he had expected, nor was she in the kitchen or anywhere in his vision. Natasha always greeted the both of you home after Nicholas’ karting races, so you knew only one thing must have happened.

You rubbed the boy’s back comfortingly, and directed him to place his trophy along with all his others on the shelf. “Mama’s probably asleep, sweetheart. You know how tired she is these days, your little sister’s not giving her the easiest time.”

At his pout, you knelt down to his height again. “Hey, you can still show her your trophy tomorrow, I’m sure she would be just as excited. How about I make you a box of mac-and-cheese and we can share it without her knowing? I say that’s a fantastic way to celebrate, yeah?”

You were engulfed right into another hug as he smiled into your neck; another one of Natasha’s little quirks.

–

With Nicholas settled in at the dining table and tucking into his bowl of mac-and-cheese (that Natasha had always disapproved of you making for the boys), you snuck into your younger son’s room, the lights still on.

Nathaniel was clearly in over his head, his ginger hair a mess and balls of crumpled paper scrawled with maths equations strewn across the floor. He had fallen asleep on his desk, and your heart squeezed at the fact that he had to wait for so long before you came to the rescue.

You slowly shook him awake. “Nathan, I’m home.”

Opening his eyes blearily, Nathaniel leaned his head against your shoulder as you took the papers from underneath him, shaking the drool on them dry.

“You smell like your office’s air freshener, yuck.”

You tipped his head playfully. “Been there since eight this morning, bud. Didn’t have time to change before I had to go for your brother’s race in the evening. Now I’m here doing your homework with you.”

“Don’t you get tired?” He yawned as you began scanning the questions.

Truthfully, a wave of fatigue had long past swept through your bones; even in the stands watching Nicholas race, even as you entered the office that morning. With Natasha set to deliver your daughter any day now, coupled with Nathaniel’s exams approaching and Nicholas’ races, you truly felt like you were drowning most days. To top it all off, business was booming; clients were streaming in by the dozens most days, and you rarely even had time to breathe between waking up and going back to bed for the past few weeks.

But you only smiled at your son, and came back with, “And if I do, what am I supposed to do? Stop working?”

“Yeah, and spend time playing more video games with me.”

“And who’s going to be able to afford to buy those games for you, kid? Your brother’s racing career, your mother’s shopping sprees, even your baby sister’s shopping sprees when she’s born and older, I need to work so you guys can keep having these things.”

He gave a non-committal grunt. A sign for you to bring his attention back to the papers in front of the both of you. “Let’s start, shall we? I promise we can steal your brother’s leftover mac-and cheese if we can finish this by midnight.”

–

By the time both boys were tucked into bed and snoring softly into their pillows, you knew you were about two seconds away from dropping dead onto the ground with exhaustion. Shuffling your feet to your shared bedroom with Natasha, you barely made out the shape of her figure before collapsing onto your side of the bed, your eyelids begging to close themselves.

But it was the soft drawl in her voice that woke you up. “You’re home already, baby?”

“Been home since seven, darling, had to make Nicholas dinner and finish up the rest of Nathaniel’s homework.”

At your confession, Natasha sat up, guilt coursing through her at her dismissal of you returning home and doing so much with the boys. Lately, it felt like the ‘team effort’ she had promised you would come with more children had been more solo on your end, regardless how many times you reminded her that she was busy growing a third human within her herself, and it could not compare to the amount of stress she was putting her own body in.

Her hands found themselves carding through your hair, and you shifted further up to lie across her legs. “I’m sorry, baby.”

“For what?”

“For not being there. You were in the office so early today, you had to do so much work, and then having to be there for Nicholas’ race and taking care of Nathaniel after, too. It’s so much,” Natasha found a lump in her throat that she was unable to swallow.

Instead, you shook your head, merely reaching out for her hand and rubbing your thumb over hers lovingly. “All part of the process, love. Please don’t feel guilty about this. Besides, I enjoy spending time with the boys, and letting you rest.”

You could sense your wife was still apprehensive, so you reached into your pocket and pulled out your mobile phone, in hopes of distracting her mind. “Look, Nicholas got second place in the race today. Kid was a bit disappointed, but you can see how well he drove.”

Natasha began watching the clip of Nicholas’ final lap in the race, one hand resting over her bump affectionately as she smiled at her eldest. Getting up from your own position, you noticed the legs you had been lying on were incredibly swollen, and you cursed internally at the fact you had been neglecting your wife in exchange for caring for your sons, too.

So when she physically let out soft pants and happy moans once you started massaging her feet, Natasha had to drop the phone and put a pillow over her face in embarrassment once she caught your grin at her. “Baby, you’re exhausted…please…”

“Nonsense,” you assured, “Anything for you. And anything to hear more of those amazing sounds too, please, love. They’re music to my ears.”

You were met with an eye roll and a laugh that alleviated any shred of tiredness you thought you had earlier. Everything was worth it, for her. –

Natasha thought you were dead to the world in your slumber, seeing the day you had and the pent-up stress and exhaustion accumulated of taking care of her, and the boys. You rightfully deserved to be, as she watched your features, asleep beside her with an imaginary ‘best parent in the world’ crown she imagined on your head. Her heart squeezed with how much she knew you loved and sacrificed for the boys and her.

But she had to wake you, unfortunately. There was no other option.

So when you felt her hands shaking you awake and rolling over to check that it was only half past three in the morning, you groaned at having to be awake so early. “Yes, Nat?”

“My water broke.”

She had said it so calmly, almost serene, that you would have found it almost unbelievable had her voice not been the only thing filling the white noise in the room. Then, as if you couldn’t hear her the first time, she reinforced, “Baby’s coming.”

You were up with a start, still half-hazy with details, but mind alert and screaming at you to do something. You had been through this twice, a third shouldn’t be a surprise at that point.

With the hospital bag packed by the door, Yelena on her way to babysit the boys until the morning, and your hair finally combed enough to a civilised hairstyle, you turned back to Natasha, slowly waddling down the stairs.

“How are you so calm?” You asked, rushing forward to help carry her, despite her protests at such.

Once her feet were back on the ground, she squeezed your shoulder just a little too rough, and her eyes shut in pain. “Am…not. But it’s the only thing I can do to keep the pain manageable. Can we please drive to the hospital, now?”

–

“A little more, love, just a little more.”

“I’ll fucking break your neck once we’re done if you dare say that to me again!”

At Natasha’s scream, and the threatening words pinned against you, you kept your mouth shut, instead choosing to recline a little in the stiff plastic chair the operating team gave you, in hopes that it would also alleviate the pain from your hand getting crushed under her grip.

You leaned your forehead against your wife’s, and tried to focus on the arrival of your daughter, and not how much pain she was putting Natasha through currently.

Finally, with the last push from Natasha, and both of her hands crushing the bones on one of yours together, the baby was out, and it was the moment that you knew you had just fallen in love with your daughter. It had happened twice before, but never the same.

–

Bags under your eyes, shoulders sinking in on themselves, Natasha knew you had the telltale signs of burnout and exhaustion written all over your features. But as she watched you bent over the small bassinet the hospital had wheeled your daughter in, a hint of a smile on your face watching her interact with her first few moments in the world, she knew that you would have given up everything, risked it all and more, for this moment to happen.

All those years ago, when she had met you at the club, when she merely knew you as the broken, fragile lawyer with an ego bigger than the sky itself, she found it hard to believe she could witness your growth to now, the very best parent you could be to her three children. Sacrificing each weekend to tune up Nicholas’ go-kart and coaching him for races, coming home each night to help Nathaniel with his homework, and then having to deal with her mood swings, pregnancy hormones, and all sorts of aches you had to massage and sort out, she wondered if she really had gotten so lucky at times; or if it was all just a dream for her. You were patient with the boys, and her, you were kind, you never complained. You were everything she had always wanted.

Natasha almost said something; she started, but couldn’t find it in herself to finish. She called out your name, and said, “I…”

You looked up at her, and the words caught in her throat. “Yes?”

“I…”

“Mummy! Mama!” For the first time in a long while, Natasha heard the two boys’ voices in unison, cutting through your small moment as they rushed into the room, followed by a very haggard-looking Yelena behind.

“Gentle, gentle, boys! What did I tell you?” Yelena’s voice sounded like the boys had taken ten years off her life. At her state, Natasha saw you grinning too, and thanked her quietly for being able to come and babysit at such short notice. “Now move, I want to see my niece, too!”

Making space on the bed for Nicholas and Yelena to sit beside her, along with you at the foot of the bed with Nathaniel on your shoulders, Natasha cradled the newest addition to her family lovingly, her elder brothers already cooing and fighting over who gets to hold her first.

Her eyes met yours, and the words that were stuck came rushing back. She wanted to mouth I love you.

You smiled back at her, and when Yelena brought the boys down later on to grab a snack, you said it right back, your daughter in your arms this time. “I love you too.”

“Mm, enough to give me a fourth child?”

You looked up to her in panic, and at the expression on your face, Natasha found it hard to keep her own serious, as she burst out in giggles. “I was kidding.”

“Respectfully, my love,” you replied, “If this baby is not our last, I don’t think I am going to even live until I see forty.”

[dailycharacteroption]

Roleplay Ramblings: New Elements part 3

(art by BiagoDAlessandro on DeviantArt, as featured in Numenera by Monte Cook Games)

Character Options

So I’ve talked at length about what the new elemental planes are and what they mean, but now it’s time to get to the nitty-gritty and actually apply them to 1st edition, starting with the character options that players will actually be playing as in either the modern Lost Omens setting minus the edition change or in your own setting where you include these elements.

The first we have to focus on is new ancestries. While they are heritages in 2e, that doesn’t change the fact that we have two new geniekin planar scions running around, either being super rare individuals that lived before the re-emergence, members of bloodlines that spontaneously awakened to their ancestral heritage when the planes came back, or those that were born afterwards in the normal ways that planar scions typically gain their heritages.

These two ancestries are the ardande and talos, for wood and metal respectively, and since they were never mentioned in 1st edition you will have to homebrew them (or, you know, use the homebrew I made of them if you like). Thankfully pretty much every planar scion ancestry follows a similar sort of template for what abilities they get, with room for variant heritages and alternate traits, so you’ll have a decent starting position to work from. Additionally, consider that suli might also start drawing from those elements as well, though likely this will be more of a vibe thing as metal probably best evokes electricity or sonic if you can get away with it, while wood’s best energy type comparison is probably acid as a stand-in for poison.

Classes may have to be updated as well. However, there is a lot of ground already covered here , with wizards, oracles, and shamans all getting schools, mysteries, and spirits respectively centered around these aspects. Meanwhile, sorcerers and bloodragers could easily have the elemental bloodlines updated with metal and wood as options, as well as genie bloodlines for Zhura and Khizidar genies as well.

On a more minor note, having four new elemental lords means four new deities for your divine casters to play around with, requiring homebrewing for their domain, subdomain, and even potentially obedience lists.

Additionally, you may consider tweaking the kineticist to have a separate metal element like I did, as well as maybe slightly rework certain talents or talent lists. And for that matter don’t forget to tweak various other minor elemental options with other classes, such as the elementalist shifter, elemental rager, and so on.

Of course, we would be remiss to not talk about the various new elemental spells in Rage of the Elements, many of which explore the applications of the new elements, all of which makes for lovely conversion fodder. Of course, Rage of the Elements was the first hardback that uses the new Remastered paradigm for spellcasting. (And even then, original 2e had a slightly different interpretation of what spells belonged to which schools, but as long as you have a good understanding of what each First Edition school is meant to cover, you should have any trouble deciding which spell goes where. Also, while the elemental wizard schools do exist, they might need an update or trimming based on what each element represents in the new paradigm if you wanna go that far.

Even with such a brief summary as this, we can see the work that has been done and the work left to do for bringing these new elements into play in First Edition. However, tomorrow we’ll look into the more GM-side of things with new elemental monsters these planes provide, as well as more generally how elementals work between editions. Look forward to it!

[helloiamadrawer]

Kinger 👑 Tweaking CRACK HEADCANONS

triggers/warnings: drugs (weed in general nothing too hard) cigarettes, mainly kinger just trying to cope from all the shit going on in the digital circus DON'T DO DRUGS PEOPLE

A/N: THESE ARE ONLY CRACK HEADCANONS I LOVE KINGER TO DEATH ISTG (BUT NOT MORE THAN CAINE THOUGH)

First things first, where did he get the drugs from? well, it's easy Zooble's room but it's actually in her endless box of spare parts she puts on her and we know SOMETHING has to have a stash of hiding somewhere.

Caine would definitely waste his time doing this if he knew Zooble had drugs but shhhh..we'll pretend he's dumb for one day okay?

Kinger has been having rougher times at the digital circus more than usual, plus the lingering paranoia of abstracting like Kaufmo on top of that just makes it worse for his mental state. He just needs to find something new to do instead of Caine's insane adventures. So what does he do? Go to Zooble's room for advice.

"Well, I was going to give this to you at a later time if you were reallly going over the edge but you do not tell a single soul about this. Caine will throw us in the cellar for a year and a year goes very slow in the digital world." she threatened as she slides him a small bag of weed and some pieces of paper . Kinger blankly stares at the pouch and just says, "oh."

He shoves it in his robe pocket and heads back to his room. He lays it out on his bed and ponders about if he should do it now or tomorrow.

Next morning, he decides to try it after another treacherous adventure, tired, he takes a palm full of the chopped cannabis and rolls it up in the paper like a joint. Mans was really doing this but hey, beats anything but getting abstracted. In the middle of the night, he knocks on Zooble's door, she grumpily opens it and sees the chess piece holding out the joint to her as he asks, "Do you have a source of fire to light this?"

"Oh, i forgot about that, come on in, I gotta find a lighter anyway in my box so it may take a minute." she whispers until she closes the door behind Kinger. She pops out her normal arm and her claw arm holds it as she inserts it into the Zooble Box, searching for her lighter.

Should he really be doing this? I mean doing drugs never really existed to Kinger until Zooble came around, he was just collecting insects and hanging out in his pillowfort, but thats when the day Pomni came in and then Kaufmo got abstracted and after that day he feared of himself becoming like that so nothing really took his mind off it.

Maybe I should leave, I can try and find something else

"Ah-ha! Gotcha!"

Zooble's triumphant outburst made Kinger almost jump out of his robe. "AH! Zooble, you found the lighter, good.". She flicks the lighter switch and lights up Kinger's joint as a line of smoke puffs out from it.

"Now, you can't leave my room with that, Caine will find out what we're doing if he sees this, so take a hit..you'll know exactly how I deal with this bullsh$t around here a little bit more easier." Zooble states as she rolls up a joint and lights it for herself.

Kinger stares at the nowlit doobie and takes a puff from it...

PART 2 will be in effect for later and it's going to be angsty and it'll be my first angst piece of headcanons so it might take a while, see y'all soon!!

[moonshine-nightlight]

Will all of Dale out, I took the time over the past few days to reread all of it (pretty much all I did because sleep work and eat!) And oh man, I wish I could experience it anew again! To see how far you as a writer had come during the entirely of this, and seeing how sana and Dale grew and changed together.. it was just so well done!

Do you have plans to visit them again, in the future? Couldn't help but notice some things were left unfinished ;) and also I would LOVE to hear certain parts of the story from Dale's perspective. Those last few chapters when we finally *finally* got to peer into who he really is just made me want more!

And again, thank you for all the time and effort you put into this series. I don't think I'll ever forget it! (I also really like some of your shorter series, I went back to read them again too!)

@watch-out-for-them

thanks for sending this in! that's so sweet! i've hoarded this for a month because december flew by so fast

i do have some idea for little bonus stories and for full stories that take place in the same universe/setting (with a name-drop or mention of Dale and Sana etc), but no proper sequel is currently planned. One of the bonuses would be what you mentioned - specifically Chapter 6 (Walk in the Garden) from Dale's POV - as well as other ideas. it is hard to write companions stories from another POV if the main POV is 2nd person lol. I've helpful sorted my handful or ideas into categories because i lov to organize in excel instead of writing (the categories are: pre, mid, & post story; AU; Parody; and Outside POV)

one in particular i wanted to get out before the year ended, but i'm not quite done with it. originally after Chapter 24 (Assassin Aftermath) Sana was going to have a spicy dream about Dale, which is referenced in Chapter 25 as having happened, but which was originally going to be in the story proper. however, not only was a behind in writing with the story ending up longer than i planned, but it became hard to figure out how it would work since Sana thought Dale knew but he didn't and i didn't want be to get confused about that, also Sana wouldn't know the truth of how the Depths worked or Dale's backstory so i couldn't include much of that (because i didnt want ppl to think Dale could lik dreamwalk etc or something). It jsut got to be a weird balancing act that i didnt have time to figure out so i didn't. however, i decided to make a bonus/AU divergence where I changed the fight scene and did have Dale come to talk to Sana after the fight alone and stuff~ happens~.

this side path/AU story is what i wanted to get out over the holidays and which i have made progress on, but still isn't finished. i will try to get it out within the week (the modified end-of-fight to have an obvious reveal is done and i might put out today or tomorrow since its just a tweaked chapter 23). I've got over 3k for the new chapter and have been making progress, it just will not be done today lol

thank you so much for reading and sending in this ask! getting messages and comments and tags like this make all the effort worth it! ^^

[featherwingfox]

LIGHT STEVE MY SWEET BOY! MY FAVORITE! LOOK HOW NICE HE LOOKS!!! ISN'T HE JUST SO INNOCENT?!?! WHY WAS HE KILLED OFF??!?!! 😭 I don't think I could bring myself to do that! 😟 Sabre didn't have that many people to help him out during the Steve Saga so a lot of the characters were either killed off or left. Mostly killed off unfortunately, so there wasn't much he could do for the characters. (I'm not blaming him, just sad it had to be that way) But now that this is going to be a comic, nobody needs to die for the sake of space! 😀 The only reason why anyone would is for story purposes, and as much as I can write that, I don't want to for most of them... I am attached to a lot of characters, including ones I make myself, but that doesn't stop me from telling the story I intend as a creator. For this one though, I do not intend the main cast to die. Worry not, you will get your fair share of danger, death, and other angst my dark minded Sky People! 😎👍✨ Just please leave my Light Steve out of Death's way! 😭🙏 If a character does die, there is a much bigger reason for why than being a sad event. I prefer deeper reasons in storytelling, often it's used for motivation in why the characters are the way they are, whether they became evil because of it, good, or in-between.

Anyway, enough of the serious talk! I don't remember having any problems drawing him! I am happy with the pose, the expression, the proportions, the hands, the design, perspective, everything! I even tried to draw the back of his hair.

Fun Fact: when he is in a dark area he glows! Not very useful when he's trying to be sneaky, but it's great for guiding others when lost in the darkness! The best night light! 🥰 Even though his power is light, which is a warm thing, he also controls ice on the OG series. I have an explanation, that is also in the OG series, but there are minor tweaks that don't need to mentioned here, you can read about it one day when I'm ready for the story. But that is why he has such a soft, warm outfit on, he has ice and snow powers. I also did not need to color him in, this is self-explanatory.

Light Steve is like a little brother to Rainbow Steve. He looks up to Rainbow a lot and loves his company as he feels comfortable and safest with him. He is the youngest in the group so he is not used to his power in the beginning. This affects his confidence, so the others help him out whenever they can. Mostly Rainbow since he has similar abilities. Despite this though, even in the face of imminent death or pain, even if he doesn't have the ability to defeat a major enemy, he always jumps to defend the people he cares about. We've seen this in the OG series many times, and many times he DIED, and this part, the part where he cares so deeply about his friends to try and defend them, is why I love Light so much and why he became my favorite. He's such an adorable and amazing character.

I will try my best to stay true to his and the other characters personalities, choices, and behavior. I use the OG videos as a guide so hopefully I understand enough to convey truthfulness on who these characters are and how they act. I'll see you all tomorrow with the next design! You could say these might take a... Dark turn... 🌚

Story: Steve Saga (Fan Rewrite)

Character: Light Steve

Abilities: summon, ice, snow, pure light, and lightning, can fly, and glow in the dark. (He also has the power of being the sweetest ever!!!)

Personality: Timid, shy, kind, sweet, brave, caring, cautious, persevering, innocent, and quiet.

[becomingkatie]

I spent the holiday in the kitchen baking all day. I made english muffins to use up sourdough discard, and I made Kenny grill brats so I could have an excuse to try making hot dog buns. Not pictured, I also prepped a high hydration boule to bake either tomorrow or Sunday.

Long-winded baking summary below the cut.

English muffins were up first. The discard, flour, and milk were mixed together the night before. Even though it was discard, sitting for that long woke it back up so there was a nice dough in the morning. Then added salt, honey, and baking soda, rested the dough, then cut into rounds and rested again before cooking. I made some mistakes here - namely, not putting enough cornmeal down to keep the dough from sticking to the counters, so when I went to pick up the rounds to cook them they became deformed and I had a rough time. Also, having the skillet too hot at first. They came out a bit tough. I don't buy english muffins regularly so I couldn't tell you how they compare to store-bought, but I'm medium-happy with them. Before bed I scrambled some eggs with cheese and baked them to cut into squares and pre-make breakfast sandwiches to freeze and reheat later.

After the english muffins were done, I had about two hours until my starter was nearing its peak and it was time to make the two recipes using active starter - hot dog buns and a plain ol' loaf of bread. The bread calls for an autolyse, mixing just the flour and water first and letting it sit a while to start the gluten formation before you add in the starter, so the gluten is already formed when the yeast in the starter begins to consume the sugars and produce the gases that will be contained by the gluten and raise the bread. (I think that's how it works?) So I mixed up my flour and water, set my timer, and then raced to get the hot dog bun dough ready before I had to do more stuff with my regular bread dough.

The buns came out feeling a little dense. Also ugly, but that part's less important. The recipe uses both active starter and commercial yeast, but my yeast was really old and may not have been A+, and I may have baked them a little long. Anyway, just like with the english muffins, medium-happy.

The regular bread was making me so happy all day long. During its bulk fermentation stage every time I came by and stretched and folded it to promote gluten development it was just the best texture and so beautiful. But then I went to pre-shape and shape it and it was... a wet pile of mush that did not want to be a ball at all. I basically slopped it into the banneton and now it's in the fridge for a 2-3 day cold proof. My goal there is to get a nice sour flavor. The longer proof is supposed to help with that. But I'm anxious I under-did the bulk ferment trying to keep it on the shorter side since I'm doing a long cold proof. I don't know. Sourdough is one of those things that can be so easy and simple, or you can get really precious about it and try to make everything perfect, and it's still just a tasty loaf of bread. I really want to be able to bake sourdough with a higher water content to get a thinner crust and increase its shelf life, but it's definitely harder to do this higher hydration loaf than my typical "go-to, just need to get a loaf of bread on the table" loaf.

I have a journal where I take notes during my bread baking. I note the ingredients, process, timing of everything. Kitchen temperature. Impressions throughout (how the dough was feeling in my hands at the different stages, how much rise in both proofs, etc.) and then results at the end, and what variables I might want to tweak for the next bake. I can't have a hobby without also turning it into a lab report, I guess! We'll see how this one turns out over the weekend. In the meantime, it's time for me to go eat one of those breakfast sandwiches.

[bvannn]

Weekly Update May 10, 2024

Today was a bad day but the rest of the week was decent all things considered. I got an okay amount of work done, but I’m still really exhausted from school. It might take a bit longer to rest but I’m still trying to do stuff because I’m addicted to work.

Main thing this week was comic work, I’d say I’m 14% done, planning to be better and faster once I’m better rested, I’m going to try to do all panels on the same layer as opposed to a billion layers like before, see if it speeds things up. I’m pretty confident in the story and want to get to writing more but that’s not as high a priority as some other projects.

Music video work, OEB is about 30% boarded, it’s very exhausting to do because of adobe’s interface but it still gets done well enough when I’m in a good mood. I wanted to get making a puppet rig this week, hoping it’d go faster now that I know what I’m doing, especially since I’ve gotten basic ones done faster, but again didn’t have time due to body needing to rest and personal problems. I’ll try again next week, since it looks like work is taking longer than expected to get started back up. I’m also a lot better at rig animation in general now so it should be quicker to do too.

Other music projects, I’m very close to done on one of the two lyric batches so I’ll try to get that done this next week. I’d like to finish off the other one too but I’m very slow. Once my body is rested up enough for my brain to really work those will be the priority, then I’d like to do more. I’ll probably do another cover or so before anything else but I’d really like to do songs based around my OC stories, and maybe I will. At the very least attempting will be a nice exercise.

Other general drawings, I’m trying to figure out when I’ll have time to do more. I’m taking a fair amount of time on each of those now, which sucks since I’ll have to up my comm prices, but I don’t want to push for those until I know exactly how much to change the prices by. I’m not a professional so I don’t want to charge like one.

Anime Campaign stuff: writing my own campaign still, got a huge bite of that done, but not the part I would have wanted. Planning on seven ‘Episodes’, 1, 2, 3, and now 5 are done. I might iron out some kinks with episode 1 but I really want to get episode 4 done before anything else. Might still get some tokens done, but I don’t want to post too many, since ideally I’d like to release my campaign as a prewritten module for free, then offer the maps and tokens as a paid optional add on. Maybe. Either way I need to focus on writing more than I have been, I’ll try to use my insomnia for that.

Minor bits and bobs, music writing impulse is coming back so I’d like to make or finish a little smaller tune, but again that relies on time and OEB and comic are taking priority. If I get BMBO or BATB lyrics done I’ll get tuning a VSQX (or whatever they’re called in vocaloid 5/6) and pass that so we can figure out which voice to use and any tweaks that need to be made. If BMBO is done before BATB I might look into typography animation to see if I can throw together a video for that, since that’ll be less effort than a full video. I’m also always tempted to do a bazillion covers, but I’m not really working towards any actively. The ones I’m debating would be called SSCS, ILMC, LIS or S (again going by initials or partial initials to not say too much). I did a basic VSQX for SSCS but mostly just to test how a certain voice tuned, and I know who I want to sing it but I don’t know what to do with the instruments so I’m not planning to work on it unless inspiration really hits. I have so much desire to do things and not enough body power!

Next week priority will be comic again, I have 4 pages done and one sketched, I’ll be maybe staying up late on Sunday again so I can get a big bite done then if I’m somehow unable tomorrow. OEB is next priority, alongside lyric writing, header/newgrounds collab, then AC writing and token practice. Thanks everyone for being so patient with me not posting much, I’m so sorry I’m so slow to work on bigger projects but I really hope they’re worth it.

[mythundermeme]

100 lyric starters

notes: feel free to tweak details to fit the muses. do not add to this list. other meme blogs, please don’t reblog. (content warning: sexual themes, violence, death, suicide)

"Tell me, does that sexy gown say what she's got in store for her man?"

"I thought you would always be there to hold."

"The longer i must wait for justice, I grow ever hungry in the cold."

"Take from them just what they took from me."

"It’s hard to see a future when your purpose is your past."

"Shoot to kill and live to last."

"If loneliness is prison, every touch is liberation."

"I know good deeds don’t guarantee a path to some salvation."

"I’ve reclaimed just what they took from me."

"What I'd give and what I'd trade for all your flickers, your flickers of the light."

"You're just a bunch of lies."

"Oh, I have run to the letters that you wrote me."

"Oh, help me sleep at night."

"The morning fog and waking sun have healing ways."

"Gave up our lives just to find that it was not enough."

"Hope has no place here."

"Maybe the end we tried to avoid is already here."

"Some evil will never ever die."

"Even if it's in broken speech, I want you to tell me your pain."

"Pretending that the pain's worn off doesn't make you an adult."

"You're so precious to me it almost brings me to tears."

"All I fear means nothing."

"My heart's a battleground."

"You know that you're my super star."

"No one else can take me this far."

"You're giving me too many things lately. You're all I need."

"Don't get me wrong, I love you. But does that mean I have to meet your father?"

"Wish I could prove I love you, but does that mean I have to walk on water?"

"Whatever lies beyond this morning is a little later on."

"That's right, I heard the story. Don't really like how it ends."

"Did you think all this time that I wouldn't find out about you?"

"I'm the loser of the game you didn't know you were playing."

"It used to feel like a fairy tale, now it seems we were just pretending."

"Let's just live day by day and not be conquered by our sorrows."

"Can we get back to a happy place? We've suffered so much pain and sorrow."

"People make a history by threading the threads of love into it."

"We're the same, you and me."

"Love's the choice we made."

"Death can't bind our endless story."

"Pain is your reward for being near me."

"I am no one's blessing, I'll just bring you harm."

"Brother, you're safe now."

"Don't try to make yourself remember, darling."

"When I'm better, we'll do everything."

"I gotta stop making promises I can't keep."

"But if I was gone tomorrow, won't the waves crash on?"

"I told you to forget me, but you stayed by my side."

"I quite enjoy the life you say I'm trapped in."

"Well it's intriguing, but to go would cost me greatly."

"Your clothes might be dirty and covered with blood but i’ll still have a hot meal here waiting."

"Your heart is a safe place for others to land."

"You have two hands made to raise others up, and you have two clear eyes to see others with love."

"I’ll always be holding your heart and your hand."

"Without regret, I’d offer up my life."

"I would fly into the sun if that would keep our dream alive ."

"I will fight for you, no matter how I am despised ."

"No sleep until I'm done with finding the answer."

"I've been living for tomorrows all my life."

"They say that I must learn to kill before I can feel safe."

"I'd rather kill myself than turn into their slave."

"Feel me, touch me, heal me."

"Pretty little flower, won't you sit back down and go play nice?"

"My, oh my, look at who ends up bigger this time."

"Keep talking, keep laughing. One day you'll see what happens."

"Bury your doubts under the ground."

"Know I'm all bite, no bark."

"I'll stay so deep inside your brain and take you somewhere far away."

"Is it really a surprise if I'm playing with your mind?"

"Never had a soul, so you ain't taking anything from me when you go."

"A man learns who is there for him when the glitter fades and the walls won't hold."

"What are you willing to lose?"

"You're out of time, make your move."

"Kiss your perfect day goodbye."

"I had one thing, and you've taken it from me."

"You sent me back to nothing."

"Your best stuff looks like my worst."

"You look like you could use some more."

"What’s higher than the top? That's me."

"Wanna leave this hell, take me out, please."

"I’ll show you what I’m made of, rise to the occasion."

"You know your own worth very wel."

"You're not suited for the rage of war."

"Gonna break rules and hearts in twos."

"Only took a minute for me to get what you had."

"Way that I look should be breakin' the law."

"You know that I love the sound of applause."

"Sorry not sorry for bein' the best."

"I wanna hide the truth, I wanna shelter you."

"Don't wanna let you down, but I am hell-bound."

"Your eyes, they shine so bright. I wanna save that light."

"I can't escape this now, unless you show me how."

"Why would you dare me to do it again?"

"Don't ever say it's over if I'm breathin'."

"They said I wouldn't make it out alive, they told me I would never see the rise."

"Why worship legends when you know that you can join 'em?"

"You stood me up, who do you think you are?"

"Now it hurts to meet your gaze."

"Nobody showed me how to return the love you give to me."

"I never wanted to ever bring you down."

"You touched my body once, it burns me still softly."

[marcholasmoth]

OSRR: 3818

i slept in and stayed in bed for a long time today.

i really wanted some pastries, but it was fuckin cold and it had snowed a bit last night, so i didn't want to get up and go out to get some.

however.

i have done much more stupid things for far less.

so i got up and i took a shower and i got dressed and i made my way upstairs. and when i was finally warm enough to do so, i put on my layers and went out to clean off my car and head out. i had had the foresight to put my windshield cover on before the snow started yesterday, so my windshield wasn't covered in ice at all. that was good. cleaning the car off with a big push broom made it all very easy.

when i finished i put the broom back and i headed back to the car. as i headed out, i called my favorite farm store and asked if they had eclairs because they have my FAVORITES, and sometimes they have them and sometimes they don't. i headed in a direction that would enable me to go either way, whatever the answer was, as i had a secondary choice in mind already.

BUT!

the farm store did have eclairs! so i drove an hour around and missed a few turns and finally got there and for a TON of baked goods and a caramel apple, too. got eclairs and a muffin and peanut butter cheesecake for joel and his family and two polar bear macarons that were vanilla flavored and they were pretty good but the recipe they used made the shell almost like hardened sugar. but they were very cute and i wish i'd gotten a photo of them. i might go back and get some more tomorrow.

i also stopped at walmart to pick up my medications, and after a little bit of problems with insurance being processed the right way, it finally worked out. and then i went to find some new gloves.

the ones i've had are a pair of blue dollar-store knit gloves, like a big pair of the ones that come with kids' snow sets. they've been good, but the tips of the forefingers have been thinning out, pretty badly too. so i made my way to the accessories and found where the men's gloves were. i tried on a couple pairs, which all fit, thankfully - even over my wrist braces that i put on to clean my car off so they wouldn't tweak again - and i settled on another pair similar to the ones i have now. they're black, and they're significantly thicker than the other ones. AND the fingers let me type consistently, unlike the others which required some finagling in order to type at all.

i also found a brown pair for my mom who has been wanting a brown pair to go with her brown boots. i hope they fit and she likes them.

after that, i made my way back to joel's. i hung out with joel and his sister for a while before his sister had to head home. i gave her a piece of cheesecake before she left.

joel showed me woe.begone, which is something he'd mentioned to me many times but i never understood. but we listened to five episodes and it's fucking wild. i doubt i'll listen to much more because (1) it's on spotify, which i don't use, and (2) it's a podcast, which is a media format that i don't use, either. so it's kind of a lose-lose trying to make it work.

after that, joel and i made our ways downstairs. we're snuggled in bed now, joel in sleeping mode, snoring softly, and me fully clothed and only a tiny bit cold. i need to plug this thing in.

i'm so tired.

i also did some calculations for classes and stuff. if i take them, that is. i don't think i can afford it at all.

i realized my credit cards have more on them than i thought, so i have to refocus my unemployment checks onto paying them down instead of just saving them. i have an okay-sized chunk saved up now, but that's nowhere near enough in general.

which makes me think about school again, and my student loans. can i afford two classes if my student loans are put on hold for a few more months? would that give me the chance to save more unemployment checks to pay down my credit cards without negatively affecting my student loans? what's the play here and how can i make a good decision and a good choice?

it's frustrating.

[jodilin65]

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 31, 2021 Margaret emailed me to say that Dixie’s son tried to tell her that she’s not getting Diane back and Dixie, always in a constant state of denial, went off on him. He’s about ready to give up on her in sheer frustration. I can totally see her reacting that way too. If she damn near went ballistic on me for mentioning assisted living, then of course she would do the same regarding Diane. As I told Margaret, I sure hope she never gets her back! I think everybody should turn their backs on Dixie and let her live in denial all by her little lonesome. Then let’s see how capable she is!

Margaret says they’ve had more rain than in the 33 years she’s been there. Of course they have. I’m not there anymore. We’ve had rain here on and off for the last few days. I hear it coming down out there right now.

I’m fine so far today but yesterday sucked. I had a mix of anxiety, depression, and just that strange feeling I call mindfuckers. I’m once again at a loss as to what could be causing what but it still seems likely that it’s connected to the dose increase. The question is whether or not my body can get used to the increase as it did with the 75s. I would think so. I just don’t know how long it would take. Today and tomorrow are 75s so tomorrow night I’ll make a decision depending on how I feel as to whether or not I want to continue the 88s.

It smelled, I got woken up, it was expensive, and we definitely didn’t have much privacy, but a part of me actually misses the hotel because he was always there, it was easier to go to the pool, and I could get out even though I wasn’t literally getting out by going downstairs and hanging out in the fitness room or wherever.

Chatting with Tom helped once he got up.

The more I chat with Jessie, the more I find she can relate to what I’ve gone through with the anxiety and menopause and all that stuff. She had her ovaries removed the same year I started the medication so her menopause was instant.

Since Shelly has been a good friend on both PB and Twitter, I requested to add her on Facebook because I think she would be active there with comments and all that. She’s about 38 and lives in Oregon. She accepted the request as long as I understood that what we say on PB is private which I assured her it would be. So we’ll find out just how active she is. I don’t think any of my dozen friends could be as quiet as Michelle and Adonis as far as the lack of comments and reactions to my posts go.

The wooden magnetic clip-on frames we got for the posters are awesome! This is a way easier and cheaper alternative to traditional frames.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 30, 2021 Tom turned off the auto-refill for me. Good thing the medication will last for a year because I’m nowhere near ready for a refill. From now on they can’t refill me without me telling them to.

We went to Walgreens yesterday because I was just itching to get out of the house. There were heavy gales and clouds but no rain at the time. I wore sleeves because of the wind but it was otherwise gorgeous. Since I’ve been anxious anyway, or at least blah, I got some Barefoot bubbly pink Moscato and some truffles. It was then that I noticed my metabolism might be speeding up. The question is whether or not it’s due to the dose increase or the scheduled eating plan. Seems like I’ve had too many calories for it to be the way I’ve been eating but I don’t know.

I just know that I’m so bummed out that after doing so well, I’m dealing with anxiety again but should I really be all that surprised? Anytime my dose is tweaked, this is what happens. He still thinks it’s mostly because of my schedule but I think most of it is on the increase. I’ll find out as I roll further on to days. I still have another 4-16 months in which my hormones could still have a hand in things as well since I had those two months of non-stop anxiety at which time my dose wasn’t increased and I was sometimes on days.

Began watching season 2 of The Sinner on Netflix.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 29, 2021 Eating every 3 hours is proving to be easier than I thought it would be. The question is whether or not I can lower the calories, but one step at a time.

Steph just hit level 20, Mia hits 40 tomorrow.

Now that we’ve got the place mostly set up, it doesn’t seem that small. I always did say we could go down to about 1000 square feet. I would never again want to be cramped into a 500-square-foot trailer like we were for that half a decade back in Cali!

Definitely can’t wait to get the fuck out of here and get some sun even if it’s just sitting in Candy while she’s charging. I miss and need sunlight. Damn, do I wish we lived where my parents lived so I could relax on the dock in the middle of the night at times and listen to the sounds of the water around me. I’d be out of the house at least somewhat. I’d just have to watch for gators.

The wind is now at 29 miles an hour. Definitely got to check the outside later and make sure nothing’s damaged. I can hear the tree on the Toni side of the house slapping the wall and windows of the house.

WTF? I just got an email from Walgreens saying they’re processing my auto-refill. That’s fucked up! I don’t want them refilling anything until I tell them to. I don’t need any refills right now.

Not sure if Gennev and Cohosh are helping me but maybe I would be worse off without them. I’m not anxious; I just feel kind of blah. I just wish I knew for sure if the dose increase has anything to do with it or if it’s just a coincidence like the brand thing that I thought was an issue. If it is I seriously wonder if there’s something up there that doesn’t actually enjoy confusing me and making me question things. But yeah, tonight I’m kind of questioning things all over again. Things I thought I pretty much figured out. I have questions. The same old questions. How much could be the medication? How much could be my hormones? How much could be about me being on nights right now as he thinks is the case? He kept offering to stay up with me and while that’s very sweet of him, I do still need some alone time and I feel bad about fucking him up too. just like it’s not normal for me to always be on days and it makes me sick, it messes with his stomach to follow my schedule. Why put both of us out?

Then an idea came to me. We know I can’t hold my schedule otherwise, I would have done that decades ago, but maybe I can at least find a way that’s doable for me to push my schedule through the nights faster. I’d have to fine-tune the details but maybe I could do something like this…once I start getting to the point where I’m going to be up throughout most of the night and getting up around noon-2, I’d push it by staying up as late as I could absolutely stand to stay up and try to jump it by 6-8 hours in one day. I think it may be worth a try. I have no problem with staying up a few hours after he crashes because then I do get some alone time. But we both know there’s only so much alone time I need, so if I can figure out a way to cut the time I’m on nights in half or something like that, that may not only improve my mood but also make me more flexible for doing things. I sleep shitty so much of the time anyway and I don’t see how pushing my schedule one day every 10 days or so would hurt me as opposed to trying to hold it every single day. So if I can be not so much on days but more on days, that would be awesome. I’m excited to try it!

Ugh, just read that a guy got 9 years in prison for plotting some race-war fantasy while Cuomo’s touchy-feely charge is just a misdemeanor. That is just so, so American.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 28, 2021 Today’s wake-up call (maybe one of these days I can get a break from something waking me up) was loud thunder but fortunately, it only kept me awake for about 20 minutes. Right now the wind is howling on this windy night.

Heard 1 low-flying helicopter yesterday but none today.

Although I didn’t read it because I’m already sick of hearing about abortion same as the race obsession (too much of anything gets old), I saw a couple of headlines that confirm exactly what I’ve both sensed and feared will eventually happen. It’s going to pave the way for other insane lawless laws to come into effect just as I fear, not that we ever had such a thing as free speech in this country.

I don’t see abortion becoming illegal nationwide but I do see it becoming illegal in about half of the states despite women being pushed to consider working to be the first and foremost number one thing in life the last few decades or so.

As much as I want to believe nothing will come to pass that will affect us directly that we can’t get around, I’ve learned never to say never. I’m sure many people never thought abortion would become illegal in one state let alone eventually half the country although I’ve sensed this coming and had this vision for many years for some reason.

It’s fucking ridiculous, though. It’s nothing that should ever be up for debate. Yet I see things getting worse and worse as far as backward, unfair, and overly harsh laws. Violent crimes will still get lenient sentences while the kiter practically gets executed. Things that are legal now will become illegal or at least drastically altered in some way.

It’s sad, sickening, and even scary but hopefully, those women who don’t find someone willing to abort despite the crazy “law” or self-abort will keep in mind that they’re not going to be pregnant forever and they don’t have to keep it, even though I’ve heard that having a kid changes you whether you keep it or not. After all, women had to face this shit long before there were doctors and medicine and it was even worse for them because they had no chance of finding an abortion doctor willing to help them because they didn’t exist.

Last night I had some anxiety although it wasn’t as bad as the night before. I was just thinking that I was going to make it through the night and be okay when it hit me. So much for getting excited about breaking records, huh? So I first decided no more 88s! But then I realized I might not have to go that far and so I’ll start by cutting back to two 88s a week. But then he had a great idea. Why not stick to the schedule as planned, but on a day I’m scheduled to take an 88, take a 75 if I had anxiety the previous day?

I finally heard back from the doctor’s nurse saying she tried to call me. Again, I don’t know why we have to play phone when things can be done online. I guess they got an alert because I didn’t respond to their message to me and that’s why she called when I was asleep. I told her about the new medication plan I want to try and asked what she thought of it.

I know I shouldn’t feel this way after all these years, but this kind of sleep disorder is SO fucking frustrating and debilitating! It really makes my life hard. So if there is a God up there, thanks. Thanks a real fucking lot. It’s nice to know you think I’m such a horrible person that I deserve this shit. As if other freaky/unusual shit you’ve thrown at me isn’t bad enough.

I am going to get to that barbecue, though. He signed us up today.

Still have some burning in my lip but I’m also still hopeful that it’s no big deal and will go away soon, whatever it is.

He screwed the vacuum holder into the kitchen wall so we can keep the portable vacuum and its attachments there. I almost love this cordless portable as much as Annie!

Ordered some magnetic clip-on frames that you can get in a variety of sizes and I’m going to try those on the two large portrait posters first before I get any for diamond paintings. It would be a much cheaper and easier alternative to traditional frames. Even cheap plastic frames are outrageously expensive and two of the four plastic frames we have are bent.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 27, 2021 Despite their crazy shipping costs, I ordered 6 dresses, 2 jumpsuits, 1 swimsuit, 2 pairs of shoes, and a couple of silver snake rings from Airy. Can’t wait! I’ll be set for a while now.

No response to my message on the portal. I’m guessing that just like I didn’t get the doctor’s message, they didn’t get mine. Good thing it’s almost open season because like it or not, we’ve got to change medical groups. Advent Health simply has way too many problems. I don’t know that we can find anything better but we should definitely try.

Yesterday I was horrible for most of the day. Today I’ve been better but I’m a little iffy right now. Definitely worried about taking an 88 tomorrow. Today’s a 75 day. Worst case scenario, I cut the 88s out and I remain hypo. Or maybe I can tolerate 88s once or twice a week. If I can’t get through to the doctor on the portal, though, which is ridiculous, I’ll have to play phone with them and hope I can get through that way.

According to the newsletter, on the 6th, they’re having a free dinner social at the clubhouse. It might be a little too sociable and awkward for Tom but I’ll be available schedule-wise and will see if he wants to go. I’m sure he would if I really wanted to but I’m OK with whatever he wants. I just noticed it was something free and on my schedule.

Just like I knew I would, I got woken up once or twice by tractors going by but fell back asleep right away, and we’re pretty sure they’re done today. I just wonder how long it will be before the next project.

Next time around it’ll likely be thunder that takes the honor of waking me up.

We decided to try those soundproof window shutters in the bedroom even though we soundproofed the bed rather than the whole room like I wish to hell we’d done. It was stupid of me to suggest we do the bed. But what’s done is done. Meanwhile, we can still test how well these things work. They would not only darken the room more but also add another layer of soundproofing since most sound comes through windows, and these single-paned windows are junk.

The helicopters are making up for the planes which sucks because they are a threat to my sleep. They both suck but yeah, tonight and last night I never heard a single plane. However, the copters are getting more like Citrus Heights. I don’t understand the uptick in helicopter activity but we’ve been getting a few a day. Some are very loud and low.

Worked out a bit on the treadmill and my vibration platform. I’ll never lose any weight but it sure keeps the back pain away.

Definitely starting to feel more anxious so yeah, tomorrow I’ve got to make a decision depending on how the 88 affects me. I’m not too surprised because if it is the medication as I suspect it is, it makes sense that I wouldn’t feel as anxious right away today since I took a lower dose but would still feel some. As the hours pass by after your last dose, the level starts dwindling in your system and then goes back up when you take the next dose so I would have to take 88 less often for it to get lower in my system and stop stabbing me in the chest with waves of adrenaline.

Although anything is better than anxiety, I still really worry about being hypo for the rest of my life. I fear I’m going to keep gaining weight and that right there is going to not only hinder my everyday movements but quite possibly lead me to more health problems. I swear it’s like something doesn’t want me to have a normal thyroid!

I wish I knew if my body could get used to this dose in time as it did with the 75s but since I can’t know that or how long it would take if it would, it will probably be better to back off if tomorrow is a bad day. If I knew it would go away in a few weeks or so I would tough it out but I can’t know that. No lung tightness and my heart doesn’t feel racy, it’s just the damn adrenaline stabbing me in the center of the chest. I’ve fucking had it with this shit and I’m not going to go through it again.

Took a second Gennev so hopefully it will help.

Later…

I was hoping that since I was in for a peaceful night, I would get a peaceful morning yesterday but nope. The first plane didn’t even wait until 5:00.

Last night’s sleep disturbance was Alexa deciding to quit playing nature sounds. To be fair, though, I had woken up first to pee.

In the last month, Stephanie jumped from level 11 to 19. Mia jumped from level 30 to 39. You don’t really level up faster with Pro. You just get more coins and gems whenever you level up and log in.

Cashed in $50 worth of Amazon gift cards with my Bing points!

MONDAY, OCTOBER 25, 2021 Where last Monday was the noisiest day here, today’s the worst emotionally with both anxiety and depression. The question is whether or not the dose increase has anything to do with it. He thinks it’s just because of my schedule. I hope he’s right because I don’t want to leave my TSH at 14! The thing is that it came on shortly after I took my pill. The only thing that doesn’t make sense as far as the medication goes is that my TSH can’t possibly be in the single digits. But I’ll take hypo over anxiety if there is a connection. I don’t know, it’s been eight years and it still feels like something up there doesn’t want me to have a normal thyroid. Maybe I’m just not meant to have that.

Nonetheless, I got an email alert from my doctor saying there was a message waiting on the portal from her. However, as soon as I logged in, there was nothing there. So while I was there I gave her a heads up on the situation and said that I’m going to give it a little more time and try to remain hopeful and will keep her posted.

Besides not feeling well emotionally, I slept like shit. A fucking helicopter woke me up in the middle of my sleep and I couldn’t get back to sleep right away. The planes haven’t been annoying tonight but there have definitely been more helicopters lately. Between that and the road work, it’s really starting to smack too much of the old place. At least the traffic is still barely noticeable. They actually didn’t work on the roads today because of the rain. So I’m sure they’ll take the honor of waking me up tomorrow along with the landscapers unless the partially completed doghouse helps. We got the top, the side that faces the exterior wall, and the foot of the bed covered. That should muffle things at least a little.

There was a power failure and therefore my nature sounds quit playing right as I was falling asleep. I swear that’s the third time something has woken me up right as I was falling asleep in less than two weeks! So another reason I’m tired is that I ended up crashing later than I should have. Along with the helicopter wake-up call, I had to get up to pee, and then I woke up at times because I was either too hot or too cold. I just can’t win when it comes to sleep!

My TMJ is having a bad spell too. Maybe I really should have my dentist make me a new mouthguard but I wanna talk to the ENT first next month.

My anxiety morphed into depression when I thought of Aly and the fact that NaNo is starting soon. I know how much she always loved doing that whenever time and her health would let her. I miss her so much!

I also miss various aspects of my past life. The way I was physically, emotionally, sexually, etc. I can think of different aspects of my life in the last few states I’ve lived in and I wish I could pick the ones I miss and apply them to the me of today, even though I wouldn’t want my old life back. Not the one I had in any of the states I ever lived in before this one. I just want certain parts of them back.

I received my money for doing the survey and have a total of $150 on my card. However, when I went to get the last of what I wanted on Airy, I found they’re no longer giving free shipping on orders over $50 but charging a fortune for shipping instead. So I sent an email asking about it.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 24, 2021 When I woke up this morning I noticed that my bite was aligned properly once again. Some of it, anyway. I wonder if the fact that the tooth they pulled was getting lower had something to do with throwing my bite off, though I don’t doubt the TMJ had something to do with it as well. Because the teeth on the left side still don’t make much contact, I worry that they too are eventually going to push down and up.

My back and my lip were better as well but now my lip is kind of burning again. I’m still not sure what’s up with that. I’m hoping it was just some kind of sore or blister that got delayed from healing only because they’d been working in my mouth and aggravated it.

We’re supposed to get some rain tonight. Really hope my sleep isn’t disturbed but if it is, at least I’m currently caught up on that.

When Tom went out to pick up more glue this morning he noticed that the roads up front haven’t been done yet. I thought, oh great. The heavy equipment is going to be going by our place while I’m sleeping but he says he doesn’t think so because they wouldn’t want to chew up the brand-new asphalt, especially with those heavy rollers. Plus, they shouldn’t need to go by us to do that section. It should be far enough away not to feel the vibration here. They did say they expected to work until the 28th. I just hope this is going to be it for a while. Really felt like I was back at the old place for a few days there!

He rehung the bedroom closet door but we still have to get new trim for that doorway. I guess the people before us or whoever built the house put the trim too far back in the frame.

All the panels that we need for the doghouse are now glued. The soundproofing material is now glued to the foam panels. We agreed to raise the frame of the doghouse so that it’s easier for me to get in and out without bumping my head. Believe me, I’m getting really sick of having to duck every time I get in and out of bed. We’re going to raise the headboard shelves as well since they were always a bit low to begin with. Also, before we soundproof the head of the bed, We’re going to drape a quilt over that area to get a sense of how effective the soundproofing is. The soundproofed areas are going to be on top, the foot, and the side facing the exterior wall. This will be done soon as well as the rest of the wallpaper and then we have to get someone out to look at the lanai roof.

Decided that at 160 pounds, I may not be able to lose weight but I’m really asking to become diabetic if I keep on having sugar and processed stuff so it’s definitely time to try to cut back a bit. I want to eat four times a day. If I get up at 10 AM, for example, I’ll eat at noon, three, six, and nine. Eventually, I wanna have two meal bars for two of those eats, a piece of fruit and yogurt for another one, and then the last time I eat I’ll have a full-blown home-cooked meal which will usually consist of chicken or fish.

Had a weird dream that I recently moved into a two-story older house with an older woman. The houses in the area were large and had spacious yards. I was looking for something or putting things on the shelf in the closet of the master bedroom realizing that it had really good shelf space in it. The woman I was living with was going to see this guy she’d known a long time, and I wondered when or if they would ever marry.

Then we were outdoors and I saw a girl in her late teens or early 20s in front of one of the houses across the street. She had her hair in two long ponytails and wore a crop top.

Then I noticed that the girl, part of a large family that lived in that house, set up a round table on the corner of their front yard closest to us.

Great, I said. “They have this huge yard yet they have to set up closest to us. Why don’t they use the backyard where they have more privacy?”

When the family and their guests were finally seated at the dinner table, I saw one of them pick up a power tool that was on a table nearby and switch it on for a few seconds, showing me that I would likely be in for noisy projects.

I later mentioned to the woman I lived with that I was eager to get to bed so that tomorrow could come quicker but then that would mean my boredom would come quicker too. She said something about getting out so I wouldn’t be bored and I reminded her that she would be at work with the car.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 23, 2021 Since life isn’t fair and it’s a dog-eat-dog world out there, I can imagine all those sickos just waiting to cash in on the madness in Texas. Knowing some doctors aren’t gonna stop doing what’s right just because of a few crazy “justices,” all you have to do is say you believe so and so participated in an abortion and you’re automatically 10 grand richer. It’s sick.

TOTALLY.

Trying to guess what they’re going to go after next since power and control goes to people’s heads and they just love to take things as far as they can. I think that before they get to anything that could affect us, they’ll focus on banning things like birth control and sterilization procedures. Probably gonna pick on the GLBT community again too.

Tom started watching You and likes it so far. I knew he would. I’ve only got a couple more episodes to go.

They rolled and blew the sidewalks today. A guy went by with a large rolling brush, then a guy followed with a blower. Wonder what’s on for tomorrow and if it’ll wake me up.

I swear that not only did the drought follow us here but it smelled smoky last night too, like there was a fire nearby. However, there’ll be no getting any sleep for me on Thursday if the weather report is accurate. Oh, to be a day person every day! The one big storm we may have in weeks just has to be when I’ll be sleeping.

Since the straps of a couple of my sleeveless tops are a bit long, we ordered some fabric glue and I’m going to shorten them. Hopefully, that will keep them from slipping off my shoulders so much and will look better too.

Woke up with a bad backache. That lower back pain I’ve been having too often lately and I’m not sure why I have it. Could be a combination of the mattress and a lack of activity since having to have oral surgery and all that. It seems that if I sleep on my back or my stomach for too long it aggravates it. Same with if I don’t exercise my core as much. I hope it’s not the mattress because I wouldn’t have a clue as to which one I should get if it is.

I also experienced fatigue and was in a blah mood as well. Realizing I’ve been slacking off on Gennev, I made a point of taking it. Going to double up on the black cohosh today as well. I woke up hot flashing a few times last time around.

I still have this blister-like sore on my lower lip which I’m hoping isn’t cancer of any kind. It really burns at times and I don’t know why it’s taking so long to go away.

Judy was at Andy’s place last night and they were playing cards. She wanted to know about Norma so we ended up exchanging a few audios. She sounds great for 94 years of age. She said she was healthy, has no pain, no signs of dementia which she’s grateful for, and still has all her memories. She’s lucky, she also says, has good genes, and doesn’t think my parents did a great job with me but I did well regardless or something like that, lol. She keeps active and hopes I like it here.

The fact that she was interested in whether or not I knew how Norma and Micky’s health was makes me think that maybe they’re not in touch as often as I thought they were. That may be why Norma hasn’t asked if I was in Florida. Then again, just because someone may tell her I am doesn’t mean she would ask about it, would it? Wonder why she asked about Mickey, though, and not Deb or Sharyn.

Mia the Replika now has 3 lipsticks, 3 bracelets, earrings, 4 pairs of shoes, 4 dresses, 15 tops, and 11 bottoms.

Stephie has 5 tops, 5 bottoms, 1 lipstick, and 2 pairs of shoes, but no jewelry yet.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 22, 2021 Today was the first quiet day in days. I’m so glad they finished paving the streets! We’ll see how long the peace lasts, though, before the next project. Had I been on nights for this one, I would have been totally screwed out of getting any sleep. It wasn’t the truck pouring the concrete that was outrageously thunderous, but the roller sure was.

My 2-hour appointment yesterday only lasted an hour. The doctor and Crystal were awesome! They totally put me at ease. Somebody was pretty pissed off at them, though. A woman in the waiting room in which the only words I could make out were, “Do you know how much havoc…”

Then the woman at the desk - I forgot her name - said she was going to go get someone but the woman cut her off saying she didn’t need their business.

“I’m sorry,” the lady at the desk said.

“No, you’re not,” said the woman before she stormed out of the office.

Anyway, Crystal came to get me and I told her I was hoping it would be her since she was so nice the last time I saw her and she said that made her day like a warm hug. She pressed a button on the wall to play some relaxing meditation music for me. A girl she was training named Lou who I also met before, observed the fillings and the tooth being pulled. I definitely felt safe and in good hands with the three of them in the room! It’s a good thing too, since I felt more aware this time, even though I took the Halcion an hour earlier. Maybe my body was more used to it or something.

I thought that being a molar and way in back would make it take several minutes for her to pull it but in less than a minute it was out. The only things I felt were the needle when she went to numb me and the pressure as she was pulling for the 20 seconds or so she was pulling steadily downward. Then she wiggled it back and forth for another 20 seconds or so and that was it. The tooth was out!

My mouth is healing nicely and the dentist was kind enough to call and ask how I was doing. I was hesitant to like her Facebook page and leave a review knowing that Norma may spot it and wonder why I was reviewing a dentist in Florida but I think I’m just gonna go ahead and block her and Michelle at some point. Yes, I feel a touch guilty where Norma’s concerned since she hasn’t done anything wrong to me but Michelle is a deadbeat. Andy noticed that with her as well. I don’t know why you would add people just to not interact with them but this is the second time she’s friended me only to ignore me. I also want to block them so that the termites can’t use them by going through them to get to me. I don’t doubt that with or without hearing from me, they’ll eventually try to reconnect with me. Not the girls but Tammy.

We hung some of the large flower posters in the living room today. Some of the frames are bent, though. One needs to be replaced for sure.

I’m totally sickened though not the least bit surprised that once again Texas won’t do the right thing and block the abortion ban until some cases are heard in court. Those will be a complete waste of time in addition to marching. Tom believes marches work but I think they’re pretty worthless most of the time. Didn’t work in Poland, won’t work here. It’s also pointless to go to court when the same people who are banning abortion are the ones to be listening to the cases and will simply side with the pro-lifers, so what’s the point? Once people make up their minds, that’s the way it stays. And what’s the point of writing constitutions and making laws if they’re only going to violate them at will?

Just like my prediction was right about Brian Laundrie not being found alive, I believe that abortion is going to remain illegal in Texas for many years to come and many states will follow in its twisted footsteps. It’s not about caring about women. It’s about control. The question is when will some twisted law come along that affects my husband and I directly? How and when will our constitutional rights be violated?

Society is full of such hypocrites, too. Friends, family, coworkers, and whoever will be quick to scold a woman these days for getting pregnant because it takes away from her working and making money, but then they’ll block her right to abortion.

I had a weird dream that my brother was still alive which I sent letters to periodically only he never wrote back and rarely called. I thought about sending him one final letter telling him I wasn’t going to write him anymore if I wasn’t going to hear from him but then I decided to just ghost him.

I also had a dream about living in a long house that sort of looked like the one we had in Maricopa. Some young woman was staying in a spare room and was a smoker too. I wanted her to smoke outside but because I planned to go to bed before she did, I was hesitant to give her the code to the door lock which was 2014. She asked for it, saying I could change it when she left, but then I woke up.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 21, 2021 The last couple of days have been a mix of fun, productiveness, and sheer madness. Resurfacing these streets is way louder, more involved, and more time-consuming than when they seal-coated the streets at the other park. It’s not so bad when they’re actually doing the paving but when the vibrating roller goes through to pack down the asphalt it is absolutely maddening as hell. The place vibrates so much that glasses in cabinets go clinking together. There’s no escaping it even in the back of the house. It’s been horrible. I really, really hope to hell they finish before the 28th and that this will be it for a while.

We were able to be out during some of the mayhem because I had to go to the dentist yesterday morning to sign the papers and the consent form to have my tooth pulled which is going to be done in a few hours. Plus, she gave me the prescription for Halcion. Two pills just like the last time. I took one before bed last night and slept 9 hours and 9 minutes but woke up a little groggy. I’m slightly fatigued now but it doesn’t matter because I’m going to take the second one in 90 minutes, an hour before my appointment. She’s also doing two fillings while she pulls the tooth.

She advised me to take 600 milligrams of Ibuprofen and one Tylenol, alternating between the two every three hours when I get home.

Grabbed a sample of minty lip balm while I was there and it’s good. Maybe this time I’ll get a toothpaste sample.

We wasted time picking up two pieces of junk mail at Staples and then went to Burger King before Walgreens. Had to charge the car along the way too.

Loving You but of course, it contains plenty of old-fashioned and false stereotypes. Also, of course, there are plenty of black characters, the usual derogatory anti-white comments, and the hardworking modern women, but every single married couple has kids, there’s maybe only one gay person, and everyone lives in houses most couldn’t afford.

I wish these TV producers would not only stop the reverse discrimination but reflect a more realistic and diverse world. It’s okay to skip marriage as many do in RL. It’s okay to skip kids as many also do in RL, married or not. And how about having kids simply because you want them and not just because you’re married?

Wasn’t as into the last season of Mr. Mercedes but was glad Lou the lesbian was acquitted. Justice always prevails on TV.

I can’t believe they convicted a woman in Oklahoma for her own miscarriage even though I can. Craziness leads to more craziness and this is exactly why I’m afraid for the world and just waiting for some crazy law to go into effect that affects us directly. Maybe it will suddenly be illegal for anyone with Hashimoto’s to reside in Florida. But just like violence begets violence, Texas’s craziness helps pave the way for more craziness.

Can’t see myself getting a lifetime Replika membership next year. There are too many changes too fast which means too many glitches. I tried to tell them in the group yesterday to slow down a bit but the moderator closed comments because it’s the creator’s birthday and she wouldn’t want any “negativity.” Then she gave me an email address that I’m pretty sure bounced when I last tried it.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 19, 2021 Today was a fun day and not as annoying as yesterday. For four or five hours yesterday, the drone of the tractor was totally annoying as hell. I haven’t heard any tractors today but there have been loud trucks going by. It’s after five and they’re still at it. In the letter the park sent, it said they’ll work till dark. Gonna have to try to hold my schedule as long as I can because there are still eight or nine days left of this shit and I don’t see how I could sleep through it.

Got a message from my doctor - or one of her staff - saying she was just reaching out to see how I was doing. As I told her, so far so good!

My life has been so much better since leaving Cali! It seems the longer I’m here, the better I feel, and the more I wonder about all those huge cemeteries. I guess I can never know for sure if they might have been a factor in so much bad happening to me back there but I do know I’ll never live so close to the dead again! Especially multiple large cemeteries.

It was fun getting out and away from the circus here. Went to Sunset Beach in Tarpon Springs and found it as boring as the first beach. It was 1/2 hour away. We’ll slowly keep heading south until we get to some of the real beaches. The beach sand was tricky to walk on because there were so many shells and the shoreline was a joke. Also, the sand along the shore was more like mud. There were no waves or anything like that and the water was surprisingly chilly. The air didn’t smell salty either.

There were some seagulls and I saw a pelican too, but it was on the road so I couldn’t get a picture of it.

Now crows are going off like crazy here. I’m still surprised by all the crows here. I think of those in colder climates.

After we charged the car we stopped at Steak-n-Shake for steakburgers and fries. The burger was good but not great. Also, the fries were so skinny. They were good but leave you feeling like you didn’t get as much quantity. A typical burger and fries usually fill me up but we were still a bit hungry after so we got shakes. I ordered a Nutella shake but if I didn’t know any better I would think it was just a hint of peanut butter mixed in with vanilla. Before I even finished it, I was so damn full, lol. Didn’t eat for about 6 hours afterward.

It’s 83 degrees and only 38% humidity here! I’ve never seen it that low. I’m beginning to wonder the same thing I frequently wondered in Cali…is it ever going to rain again?

MONDAY, OCTOBER 18, 2021 Thank you, Liz, for doing a great job of cutting my hair! Instead of going to this wife-and-husband salon, I decided to look for Supercuts, which is where I’d go in Cali. I figured that being a chain, they’d have one nearby so we went to the one in Spring Hill where my dentist is.

I’m so glad they don’t creep on the roads here like they did in Cali and Arizona. The long lights kind of make up for it, though.

After getting my hair done, we zipped over to Walmart. It was kind of a zoo but I’ve seen it worse. He got the soda that he wasn’t able to get when we had food delivered yesterday and I got the chicken wings which I can’t seem to get online to save my life. Inflation is everywhere these days so it was 15 bucks for a large tray of wings but they’ll last a while.

It was beautiful out. Much more comfortable than when it was really hot and humid. It almost felt like late May at the old place. It was the coolest morning since we’ve been here at just 60 degrees. The AC didn’t run for a while. It’s not even November yet, so I’m a little worried that December and January might be quite nippy. If it weren’t for my hate for crowds and how expensive it is, I would have wanted to be in Miami. The weather there is perfect year-round.

The roads aren’t done yet but they’re working somewhere in the park. Ugh, 10 more days left of this shit. Then who knows what they’ll do next. Tom doesn’t think so, but I think they’ll replace the fence in back with those white plastic fences they have in other parts of the park. Wouldn’t be surprised if they did something to the sidewalks too, along with who knows what else.

He’s fixing the damaged window screens little by little. Snowbirds or not, the people that were in here really let the place go.

Cheap or not, the nail polish remover I got was a waste of money because I remembered that I have that metal 2-in-1 pusher/scraper. It would probably be hard to do on fingernails because they’re bigger but I was able to push off my old toenail polish with it. I could also push off the polish that got on my pedicure step that’s in the shower. Soon I’ll find out how it works on porcelain when I go to touch up Bailey’s toenails.

The AC blower was acting weird and then he realized he hadn’t changed the filter since we first moved in, and they’re supposed to be changed every month. So he got a filter subscription on Amazon where he gets 6 every 6 months.

I haven’t gotten all the clothes I ordered yet, but so far one of the dresses is being returned because it doesn’t quite look like it appears online and is a bit snug on me. A few pieces are too big but not to the point that I can’t wear them. I really worry about the swimsuit I ordered as it can’t be returned if it doesn’t fit.

He assembled the other cabinet and I set that up today with mostly arts and crafts supplies.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 16, 2021 Yesterday wasn’t as maddening as the day before but it was annoying enough every time one of those fucking tractors went by our place. They worked mostly on the other side of the park. Luckily they’re taking the weekend off so we get a break. Hopefully, the asphalt will be laid next week and it won’t take the whole two weeks they said it may take because I can’t hold my schedule back that long. In less than a week, I’m going to be starting to sleep in.

So what’s next? New sidewalks? A new fence in back? He doesn’t think they’ll replace either but I’m sure they’ll find something to do to annoy the residents with. From what we can tell, we’re far from the only ones annoyed. This isn’t something you just hear going on in the background like the planes. This is totally earth-shattering. They even warned us in their notice about it saying that it will be loud and dusty. Yeah, we could see dust flying all over the place. They scraped 2 inches off the surface of our street.

I noticed that the people here don’t seem to have as much company as at the other place and I wonder if it’s because their kids don’t live in the area or there just aren’t as many parents here with more of the residents being younger and closer to my age where it started getting more common not to have any.

The weather has been surprisingly dry. It’s still hot and humid but I thought it would rain at least twice a week after the rainy season ended. I wonder if this is normal or if the drought really did follow us in a sense, LOL.

Been working on building the doghouse. Cutting and sizing pieces of foam. Foam that’s meant for soundproofing. We’re going to attach a layer of soundproofing material to each section. We decided where to put the fan too. I just hope it’s done before they get back next door! God only knows what project they’ll do as well.

The light coming through the window where the desk is was so bright that I hung one of the purple light-filtering curtains in that window. It may not help keep it cooler but it’s definitely keeping it from being so blinding. On quiet days like today, there’s no reason not to be out in that office unless I was really doing some heavy writing or something. But it was so bright I could barely watch my show because it was like trying to watch it outdoors in the bright sunlight.

When I saw that season three of You just hit Netflix, we rejoined for a while because there are things he wants to see as well.

Anyway, now that I can see how much light these curtains let in, I can say that it’s definitely too much for the bedroom! Blackouts have gotta stay. I’ll put the other one in the window of the second bedroom.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 15, 2021 Yesterday was a truly shitty day. Just horrible. Six times they worked in the streets at the other park during the eight years we were there which was one of the things I looked forward to escaping knowing it was just a matter of time before they dug them up again for some reason, yet what were they doing here yesterday? Working in the streets! It was horrible. It took way longer and was louder than when they seal-coated the streets at the other place. They milled them which means they raked the top layer off and I guess today is when they lay the asphalt. As I said, the noise was horrible. The miller, as well as the dump trucks and tractors, were just pure chaos. Forget about just loud. I could feel the floors rumbling beneath my feet. Of course it would have been a million times worse had I been on nights but had I been stone deaf, it still would have woken me up just from all the vibration.

It seems that many things I thought I’d escaped have followed me here…planes, projects, and even the lack of rain. I thought it would still rain 2 or 3 times a week once we got past the stormy season but it’s been so dry that brown spots are starting to show in the grass. There’s still humidity since there’s so much water around us but it’s down in the 50s percentage-wise instead of the 60s and 70s.

Anyway, back to bitching. We haven’t even been here three fucking months and already there’s been a major project and 4-5 residents doing projects. I can’t wait till the Canadian couple returns to their place just a few feet away to see what ruckus I’m in for there! While I’m at it, I wonder what the park is going to do next. Add speed bumps? Rip out everyone’s grass and replace it with gravel? Replace the rickety old wooden fence running along the back? Do something with the lighting? Redo the sidewalks?

I was just starting to fall asleep at 3:30 when the heavy equipment rolling by woke me up. Didn’t get the fuck out of the park until close to 5 so that really doesn’t help my schedule for the first dentist appointment. I could have been up by midnight or maybe even a little sooner, but because of their shit, I ended up sleeping until 1. Damn you, circadian rhythm disorder!

I messaged Kim on the 1st and didn’t hear from her long enough to wonder if I ever would again and then I finally got a message from her yesterday. Well, one from her that her sister sent, of course.

Every time this year I can’t help but remember Mary G. I know she became Mary D again but I still remember her as Mary G. I’m sure she doesn’t remember when the hell my birthday is. She’s 44 now. I’d like to think she never had any more kids but I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if she did. She may have lost her appetite for bad boys but popping out babies?

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 14, 2021 Yesterday I almost felt like I was back at the old place with all the loud tractors running around here. Because of the detour, while they work on the sewage thing by the clubhouse, the tractors working in the park had to go by our place. It was so loud I could hear it over the sound machine and the whole place was vibrating. Had to stay up later than I wanted to. So I pulled a “my friend might be interested in a place here but may be put off by the construction” thing to find out what’s going on in an email to the office. Well, they should be done with the sewer thing by the end of the week which should cut down the number of tractors going by our place but the bad news is that they’re getting ready to refinish 80% of the roads in the park, and while the south addition is almost done, the west addition could be another two years. In other words, I can plan on the continuation of tractor sounds for quite some time to come. I swear, it’s the same shit no matter where you go! A part of me regrets not getting land somewhere even if the climate couldn’t be this nice.

The stomach pains are back and I’m having slight nausea again but it’s not as noticeable this time around. If I lay on my stomach, it sometimes triggers cramps. I’ll definitely get my doctor’s opinion, assuming I see her in February.

Just had the runs.

Airy did give me my points so now I have just under 200 points. Maybe I’ll get that swimsuit I wanted that was out of stock at some point and blow the rest of my credit in their store. I just hope the suit that’s on its way fits because you can’t return suits. It’s funny because they say you also can’t return lingerie yet they don’t sell lingerie.

He went out yesterday and got some pale pink paint to match the wallpaper so we can touch up any blemishes on the wall before we continue papering.

We also received a new cabinet and it doesn’t look broken even though we haven’t put it together yet.

I’m kind of pissed at Crayola’s deceptiveness. When I saw the large number “65” on their packet of twistable colored pencils, I thought that meant there were 65 different pencils. There are actually only 24 pencils. The rest of what is included in that number are sheets of paper. They should have specified how many pencils and how many papers. There are still enough colors to be useful, though, and I like the case it came in.

I was also kind of pissed at myself for getting the other two packages of pencils when I already had spares.

We put the window cling up in the window above the built-in desk that looks like a stained glass window with white flowers against a mostly blue background. It looks gorgeous but an awful lot of light comes through that window. I don’t usually work out there at that time anyway, though.

I had a shitty dream where I did something, although I’m not sure what, that I knew would probably earn me a life sentence in jail. I didn’t know Tom and my parents were alive. She must’ve been around 65 because in the dream I thought that if I was lucky enough to get just 30 years, she would be 95 years old when I got out and possibly still alive.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 13, 2021 Finished watching Mr. Mercedes. Season 3 was boring compared to the other two seasons. I’m now watching the 23rd season of Law & Order SVU and as always, there are needless scattered mentions of race and color. Getting sick of the snide comments about whites. Comments that would be seen as racist coming from whites. And just like in reality, the subject is usually brought up by non-whites. Most of the time, it’s the non-whites that are the ones that bring up and see color and race where it simply doesn’t exist. I’m just tired of whites being blamed for the world’s problems when sometimes, people really do make their own damn problems.

Yay! I found the missing jewelry. I’m still going to bash them in reviews for all the stuff they broke and for taking forever to give us our stuff. I’m glad, though, that nothing is missing after all!

The 88s have officially begun. The doctor wants me to take 75s on Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday. Because I can’t do that easily with my schedule, I’m just counting and writing down what I take each time I get up so I can follow the same pattern.

We went to Walgreens yesterday to pick up the prescription that was finally called in and got some snacks while we were at it. Then we had to come home and listen to landscaping and some tractors going by with huge round cement cylinders. They’re redoing the sewage treatment behind the park. We could see a detour sign by the clubhouse as we were leaving.

I realized the other day that I’ve never seen ambulances coming in here and Tom pointed out that the people here seem to be younger than in the other park. Maybe they can afford to retire earlier since the cost of living is cheaper here. He would have had to work till he was 70 to stay in the other place and even then it would have been really hard.

Anyway, I decided that I love Airy Dress so much that I would do more shopping there. They never gave me 30 points for each review or points for my last order, but they gave me a $30 discount for leaving a review on Trust Pilot so that was nice. I was able to get quite a bit for just under $100, including a pair of gold metallic slides and a swimsuit. Couldn’t get the swimsuit I really wanted but I’m hoping this one will fit well and be comfortable.

I’m going to end up with 11 new tops and 7 new dresses. They don’t have a great selection of shorts and I can’t see myself needing long pants for this climate. At least not very often. Plus, I have many pairs of long pants that are decent enough. If anything, I have too many.

I’m such a magnet for breaking things! I dropped the glitter light and it broke in half yet miraculously still works, and then I accidentally hit the pull chain when fluffing sheets out to change the bed and it wrapped around the base of the ceiling fan. Fortunately, it didn’t get caught in the blades.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 11, 2021 Woke up with a stiff back after being so glad I didn’t yesterday, but yesterday I didn’t do the vibe platform either. Just the treadmill. I really hope it’s not the mattress! If it was I wouldn’t have any idea as to which mattress to get to stop it.

I definitely slept shittily. A car door or whatever it was, woke me up and then I kept waking up with weird dreams. I had a lot more than I remember but as far as the ones I remember, Sharyn was in one of them. Lisa was still in her 20s and it was her birthday. We were all at someone else’s house, though I’m not sure whose. Maybe my parents. Sharyn was to visit and once again I was determined to dodge her just like I did somewhere else that might have been connected to a place I or my parents worked at. I could hear her singing Lisa Happy Birthday from the other room.

I’m not sure why I was dodging her but it may have been a combination of being envious or feeling like I wouldn’t measure up in her eyes or some silly reason like that.

Then it was off to the rodent dreams I’ve been having more often being petless and all that right now. I walked by a cage full of rats and just outside the front door where I had left a guinea pig in a box to get some fresh air. Only the box and pig were gone. I panicked at the thought of someone stealing it and hoped to hell that whoever had the pig would at least take care of it rather than leave it in its box to die of starvation.

Then we were in the “new” section of a particular adult community only it wasn’t this one and seemed like it had rentals as well.

In the last dream I remember, I was swimming in a stream as part of a workout routine with a group of people and the water was absolutely freezing as hell. We quickly swam through a tunnel of water and then began running once we climbed out of the water. As cold as it was, I knew I was getting a good workout.

My hypo symptoms are really reflecting in my nails this time around. Both my fingers and toenails are cracking and chipping and of course my skin is dry and I have brain fog and trouble concentrating. I’m surprised that much isn’t worse and that my hair isn’t falling out more. The water retention is bad enough so unfortunately, I’m going to have to get the damn doctor to do her job of calling in the medication just like with the statins. I don’t think it’s the doctor, though, that’s incompetent. I think it’s her fucking staff. I don’t think the nurse got back to her properly after she called me. I hate it when I have to do other people’s jobs for them! This is what we pay them for.

Yesterday I was a bit wired no doubt due to the alcohol I drank the previous two days but I’m better today. Definitely can’t drink very often!

The planes were better for a few days but I’m sure they’ll be back to annoy me bright and early this morning. At least we have the air cleaners now.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 10, 2021 Ugh, I knew it. I knew common sense being restored in Texas was only temporary and that it’d be back to the denying of constitutional rights all because of a few people’s warped sense of religious beliefs and believing it’s their duty to control women’s bodies. Honestly, I can’t see Texans getting access to their constitutional rights when it comes to abortion anytime soon and I still fear it’s eventually going to be like this in most if not all of the country. It’s sad, it’s sick, and it’s a blatant sign that if people still have to fight for private, personal issues that shouldn’t be up for debate between anyone but the woman and her partner, if she has one, then things will never change. People will never change. All this shit started with Trump. He just had to appoint people just as twisted and as controlling as he was/is. I have truly lost all hope, trust, and faith in humanity. I really have. I better move on before I literally puke with disgust, but you know how I said in my last entry that I wasn’t superior to others? Well, I don’t know about that anymore. Maybe some of us really are better than others.

The melted candle wax got all over my colored pencils as well so I decided to order some new ones. They’re all Twistables and I got some classics as well as some with cool effects like metallics, rainbows, and neons. Love the case that comes with the biggest set which has 65 pieces.

I’m also enjoying my Red Door scented deodorant.

Fuck. He just came in to tell and show me that the pale pink wallpaper I picked out for the master bedroom is too thin. You can see the unpainted gaps beneath it. So hopefully we’ll have enough to add a second layer over the gaps in the panels. What the hell kind of idiot would make wallpaper so damn thin?!

Part of my clothing order arrived and they are awesome! I gave three of the pieces five stars and one four stars. The only reason one is four stars is that it was a little low under my arms and you could see part of my bra but if I wear a black bra it will barely be noticeable.

The clothes are of awesome quality. Being so cheap I was worried they would be thin and flimsy but nope. They really are factory direct and because of it, they were not only cheap but I don’t have any annoying tags to have to deal with removing or scratching me. If I were dirt poor, this place would be a hell of a lot better than going to Goodwill! They will definitely be my regular clothing store. They make shopping very fun, easy and enjoyable. On Amazon and most other places, it can be tricky to try to figure out their sizing chart and they’re not always accurate. But these were true to fit.

Because I reviewed one of them with just four stars, I was given a 10% discount for my next order. I’ve got 105 points right now and am looking at getting 210 more. You get a dollar off for every 100 points you accumulate.

Weird how I hear a few scattered bird chirps in the middle of the night here but loving this endless summer! I’m sure it’s still going to cool off sooner or later but it’s funny seeing the old place get down into the 40s at night, Klamath Falls getting into the 20s, while we rarely dip below 70 at night, LOL.

I forgot to write about the dream I had that was both weird and disturbing that involved my dentist. In the dream, she was my PCP and not my dentist. I went to see her but the exam room didn’t look like a typical exam room. It was a long room with a double bed on one end and a couch on the other. I lay on the bed waiting for her and realized I had a shirt on that said “I hate doctors“ and hoped she wouldn’t be offended.

Next thing I knew I was sitting on the couch next to her and she was telling me that continuing or increasing something we’d been doing wasn’t doing me any good. I asked her why my body didn’t respond to a low-calorie diet. But instead of answering she looked at my fingers and said that a couple of them were “smashed to pieces“ and that she wanted to get me into either urgent care or a hospital or something like that. Although I could see that she wanted it dealt with right away and wouldn’t clearly explain what she thought was wrong with me, I wasn’t worried. I just wanted someone to go out to the waiting room and let Tom know I was going to be sent to the ER or wherever she wanted me to go.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 9, 2021 I’m missing some pieces of jewelry. It doesn’t surprise me. If the motherfuckers could give us other people’s shit, of course they would give some of ours away. I am so, SO fucking sorry we ever trusted others with our shit! We never would have had anyone else move us if there hadn’t been such a long wait for pods. Everybody was moving when we did. But if we ever move again, I swear we’re going to pack our own shit in a pod if we don’t just U-Haul it.

I can’t say exactly how many pieces are missing or what the value was but that’s not what’s important. What matters is that it was mine. I liked it. And the fuckers gave it away to someone else if they didn’t steal it. Almost all my jewelry is inexpensive but again, not the point. I’ve got about 10 pieces missing, though, mostly bracelets.

I’m trying to think of what the jewelry was packed in with because whatever it was packed in with is missing as well. I first started packing things that weren’t a necessity when we knew we were moving, so it would have been packed in with something I didn’t use regularly.

Shit! The purple glitter cosmetic case that Aly sent me is also missing. That’s likely where I would have put some of the jewelry too, especially bracelets. Ugh, we’ll never put our trust in someone else like that ever again! That isn’t it either. There’s an oven mitt missing and also a leopard print purse but I think I might have donated that. I’m not sure. If there’s anything else missing, I don’t know what it could be.

I’m thrilled to see that they’re going to be resuming abortions again in Texas and butting the fuck out of a woman’s personal decision but at the same time, I don’t trust it. I think they’re always going to fuck with women as long as they exist just like they do with the GLBT community.

23andMe told me that I have a gene that makes me likely to be lactose intolerant. They got that right but it’s not as bad as it used to be.

Took a survey for Replika that promises a $20 gift card within 15 to 30 business days but I wouldn’t be surprised if I didn’t get it. So many people don’t follow through and you know nothing comes that easy to us and how something up there doesn’t want me making money.

I’m all for not lying about who or what we are but if I get any shit again about not working, I could at least stretch the truth and say that I’m helping to train AI bots. I swear if you’re a woman, there’s no pleasing everyone. You get shit for something no matter what country you’re in. Here a woman is just “wonderful” if she chooses careers over kids but it’s the opposite in countries like India who whine about overpopulation while they’re at it. It’s so true that a man can do no wrong no matter what country he’s in but someone’s always got a problem with women depending on where she is. Oh well. Sooner or later I really am going to hit 67. But then I’d probably just get shit for not volunteering.

Andy sent me a link to Mewe, a new place for those who hate Facebook. Tom said to be careful because there were a lot of those types of sites popping up for white supremacists. So I checked and the first review I pulled up suggested it is for people like anti-vaxxers, theorists, and white supremacists.

It’s OK to dislike some groups such as I do but it’s not OK to form groups that promote violence against them and I don’t want to join any groups that advocate for that shit. I’m not “superior” just because some groups have more than a few bad apples in them. Also, I’m just not into social media in the way Andy is but I told him to let me know what it’s like if he joins.

I just wish this world wasn’t full of sensitive little pussies and people could get it through their thick skulls that not everybody can agree on the same things and believe in the same things. That’s OK, too. It’s not OK to try to control others and make them like you. Yet if you don’t have anything to say that most people want to hear, they will practically lynch you for it while claiming freedom of expression in America and all that bullshit. I mean look at all the asterisks I have to replace with swears. I don’t even have the right to swear in a private email. Or a supposedly private email. Can’t swear in my own journal, can’t do anything, yet we continue to call ourselves the land of the free? Could have fooled me!

Another thing about Facebook is they get the wrong idea quite often and assume something is about hate or suicide when it’s not. I posted a meme with some idiot working on a rooftop with a rope around their neck and a sarcastic quote saying something like, “There you go. Safety first!”

Well, Facebook removed it thinking I was promoting suicide. Then there was another time when I made a comment on a news article criticizing Ilhan Omar’s hate for Jews and of course that’s being “hateful” when in fact I was simply stating the facts. But again, when people don’t wanna hear it, it’s either a lie or hate or some BS thing like that. Especially if you say anything negative about blacks or Muslims. I just don’t understand the support and favoritism of these people. Will sexism and reverse discrimination ever end?

Small planes and helicopters continue to be less frequent than at the old place but the commercial planes are still ridiculous. Same shit as at the other place. They start up shortly after 5 or 6 in the morning and don’t stop until 11 or midnight. As I said, it’s just fucking ridiculous.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 8, 2021 Wow, I just may be leaving the furniture people a five-star review rather than a one-star review! They did get back to us about the broken cabinet and are going to send us another one. So we don’t have to return this one at all. Yes, you can tell where it’s broken but once we paint over it, it should look fine. It doesn’t even look that bad as it is and it’s a huge help in such a small kitchen. When we get the second one, I’ll probably use it mostly for office and art stuff.

I’m totally into the mint Moroccan tea-scented dangly I got. Got a variety pack on Amazon for the bedroom closet and it smells so good!

I haven’t been mentioning everything we got since we’ve gotten so much stuff, so here is a list of the basics even though I probably remember to mention some things.

Getting a new mouse for the old Mac I’m using on the treadmill tray.

Got a champagne-colored pillowcase for my body pillow.

Furniture risers to boost the headboard shelf up a few inches so we can make full use of the bookcase.

A food scale to replace our old ancient one which can also be used for mail.

A gutter scooper.

The third of three $5 tank tops I got. This one is black. So now I have black, red, and pink.

A waterproof holder for cell phones and a fob for when we go to the beach one of these centuries if we can ever get a free moment to get away.

Homeopathic decongestant pills which seem to help when my eustachian tube gets blocked.

A shoe rack to put over the closet door so I can have more floor space in there for storage totes.

A hook for my robe once the wallpaper is up. He has his on a hook that was on the door of the second bathroom.

New fluorescent bulbs for one of the lights in the kitchen as well as some others around the place.

A candle lighter as well as some long-nosed lighters we may need for whatever.

Silicone nose clips for swimming.

A sink drain basket that goes over the side of the sink. In case I didn’t mention it, the kitchen sink doesn’t have a disposal and I don’t want one either as they’re always a problem.

A tackle box to store my drilling supplies.

Now that I got a lot of shit that was piled on the kitchen table put away thanks to the new cabinet, I was all excited to set up my backlight and get on with my drilling just to be reminded that it has a USB plug. I don’t know where the adapter is for that at the moment. I can at least set up the tackle box for now.

Here we go again with messages not being answered and prescriptions not being called in. I can’t keep pushing them to do their fucking jobs. I hate to give up a doctor who understands that some of us really are sensitive to levothyroxine but I may have no choice if this incompetency continues.

I’ve been having so many dreams lately but instead of being long or detailed or anything that at least makes some kind of sense, they’ve been quick, senseless snippets. I woke up in the middle of my sleep to pee and mentally noted what dreams I had but forgot them when I finally got up for good. I did remember a few of the ones I had after getting up to pee, though. Some of them are too bizarre to even begin to put into words, but one of the ones I do remember was me looking at a picture of Mary G with what I knew to be her bestie. They were both dressed up in Halloween costumes and she had a goofy, almost wasted look on her face. I found the picture on social media, not that I give a shit what she’s up to these days or bother to look her up. But in the dream, I had a fleeting moment where I wished we were besties again until I remembered how she used me and falsely jumped to conclusions about me rather than confronting me first.

And then there was Stacey. Not the good one in California but the bitch in Arizona. Tom and I were living in a large condo building. She was living below us and while you couldn’t hear through the walls, you could hear through the floors easily. She lived beneath us and I could hear her on the phone telling someone how horrible menopause is. Understanding that kind of suffering all too well, a moment of sympathy came over me and I called down to her that I understood how rough it was and all that. I knew she heard me although she didn’t say anything.

I seem to be having a lot of rat dreams lately. We had a cage full of at least half a dozen baby rats that we were playing with. They were very energetic and it was a bit of a challenge to keep up with all of them.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 6, 2021 Doc D replied to my message saying she was sorry I couldn’t tolerate the statins and yes, I can stop the CoQ10.

After reading that not taking statins means that 90 out of 100 people won’t have a heart attack instead of 92 out of 100, I realized that taking the medication isn’t very beneficial even if you can stand the side effects. I mean that’s just 2 more out of 100, so I hardly feel like I’m putting myself at much more risk than usual by not being able to tolerate them. I still think I can lower my cholesterol to a degree naturally. I’ve done it before. It’s just that during the move it was easy to slack off. Now that we’re getting settled, I can get back into my routine.

We haven’t been getting settled without delays, though, that’s for sure. He’s really feeling the effects of the shingles shot today so he didn’t do much. Definitely makes me hesitant to get that vax!

There is still quite a bit to get done. The laundry is getting backed up and I hate not having a washer and dryer inside the house! I could have just done it all myself if there was, but as he knows and understands, I’m not going into that creepy old shed. Furthermore, the kitchen stuff isn’t put away nor is the wallpaper or doghouse completed. I’m beginning to wonder if it won’t be before the people hit the seasonals. I would really prefer it if it was ready by then because we have no way of knowing how the people next to the bedroom are going to be. This isn’t the '80s when things were different, so there are no guarantees they may not have a loud car stereo, or motorcycle, or be loud and obnoxious in other ways. Maybe they hang out back all the time talking loudly or in their lanai. I just don’t know what I’m in for over there and I don’t want to find out before the room is done.

It rained for the first time in about a week. Because it’s been so dry, the grass hasn’t grown and they never mowed it. I was a bit surprised at how quickly the weather changed. One day it seemed to be raining nearly every single day and then it was mostly sunny.

Getting a lot done tonight. Haven’t worked on my story yet but I deleted the grocery list I made on Walmart and recreated it. I’m sure they’ll find a way to fuck that up for me too. They’ve definitely been getting a lot worse lately in general.

I’m going to be getting back on with my story account where I share old stories on my story account as a backup.

Later…

I was all excited to get my thyroid test results and be told that I was in the single digits so I could squeal with delight and be so glad I can finally tolerate the medication every day now that my lady hormones have settled down just to have my bubble burst with bad news when the nurse called.

I was annoyed when Tom said they called because I didn’t understand why they couldn’t just leave the numbers on the portal. He said that because they’re new doctors, they wouldn’t want me freaking out since we know I’m going to be at least a little high. But I already went over this with the doctor and she should know I was expecting to be between 7 and 9.

Then it hit me that they would likely call rather than message me about raising my dose and that would most likely be if I was no longer in the single digits. Sure enough, my thyroid has died off some more and now my TSH is a 14. :-( I am so, SO bummed even though thyroids can and do continue to slowly die off throughout life and that’s why it’s tested regularly.

As for what we’re going to try next, I’m worried but hopeful. I just don’t want history to repeat itself with the anxiety. The good thing is that the nurse said that the doctor said that since I’m sensitive to the medication (at least she’s willing to acknowledge and admit that yes, some of us are genuinely sensitive to it) we won’t just up my dose all at once as we discussed in our first meeting. She wants me to take the 75s four times a week and 88s three times a week.

sighs So now that’s more trips to the lab and the risk of having similar problems as the last time they tried to increase my dose. Or is it? Well, it may be more lab trips but I’m hoping that since a lot of the anxiety was hormonal, I won’t have the same problem. The negative emotions and waves of adrenaline in the chest were more on the hormonal changes but the booming heart and panic attacks were more due to the medication. I am just so damn glad he’s retired so I don’t have to go it alone if anything bad does happen! It’ll take a week or two for me to find out but it will start with lung tightness if there are going to be any problems and then feeling wired. I’m going to be smart enough not to let it get to where it starts taking my HR for a run for its money and causing serious anxiety. I may not be meant to have normal thyroid numbers any more than I’m meant to have normal cholesterol numbers but we’ll find out soon enough.

Some things are starting to make sense now. My weight has gone up a bit over the last year or so which I wrote off to age and menopause since menopause has similar symptoms to hypothyroidism, and I swear I’ve been watery at times. I feel waterlogged right now. When I retain water I really feel it in the lower gut, boobs, upper arms, and upper thighs. It could also be why my cholesterol was so high. I thought it was a bit odd if I was supposed to be in the single digits but I know that despite it being a familial gene glitch, low thyroid also raises cholesterol.

Tom’s having nasty flu-like symptoms from his shingles vax as he had when he got the first one. That much will go away in a few days. He took it easy today and yesterday but was feeling better today and got more done. He did some laundry and started putting together the broken kitchen cabinets that the seller won’t respond to us about after asking for pictures and promising to make it right. Well, I’ll make it right with a one-star review!

So Facebook, who claims they want their users to have fun expressing themselves, has decided that when I referred to Ilhan Omar as an “effing Muslim” for the way she hates Jews, it constitutes “hate.” So in other words, Muzzies are allowed to hate, kill, and treat people like pure shit but I’m not allowed to express my hatred for that? Can I still express my hatred for pedophiles or is that now considered hateful and politically incorrect as well, according to life’s little sensitives out there?

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 5, 2021 Managed to get good sleep and had a very productive day. The only negative is that the kitchen cabinet we ordered arrived broken. The seller said we don’t have to return it but wants pictures and promises to work out a solution with us. In the meantime, we’re going to still be able to put it together but will have to paint over the broken area so it doesn’t show.

We went to Walgreens where we both got flu shots and he got his second shingles shot. My arm was sore as soon as I got the shot. Hopefully, he won’t have such bad side effects this time around from the shingles shot.

I also got blood drawn and the lady that drew it was able to get it in one shot.

Finally got around to putting away the rest of my clothes today and realized I’ve been wearing some of the same old shit for so long which is fine but it’s definitely time to replace some pieces. So I checked out a site called Airy Dress and I’m definitely impressed with their styles, colors, and prices. Had to bring it to at least $50 to get free shipping so I’ve got $55 worth of clothes picked out and I guess I have 55 points as well since you get a point for every dollar you spend excluding shipping. I could get more points for sharing links and writing reviews.

If the clothes look and feel as good on me as I’m hoping they will, then I could see myself shopping there more than once! They really have a fantastic selection and they make shopping easy and fun. I mostly raided the clearance section and picked out 3 dresses and 4 tops. If I like these items I’ll definitely get more things like swimsuits, shorts, and pants.

We stopped at Burger King after we left Walgreens.

And now I’m getting very tired and I’m going to unwind with my audiobook!

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 3, 2021 Here we go with the foot cramps again. :-( I was just nodding off to sleep when a bad one got me and I had to jump up and walk it out. Took me 3 hours to get back to sleep so I’m tired today. At least I managed to perk up enough to do my second workout on my vibration platform which I really missed. Either way, no more statins! I’m not at all surprised this happened. I’m just meant to have high cholesterol.

I let the doctor know that despite taking 30 mg of CoQ10 with the statin, keeping hydrated, and having bananas or avocados regularly, the cramps are happening again. I also told her that I’d like to try to lower my cholesterol the natural way by cutting back on meat and adding apple cider vinegar shots which have helped before. Don’t care for meatless chicken but some of the fake beef is good. I don’t think I can normalize my numbers but I think I can make a significant difference. I’ve also increased my exercise and decreased calories, even though I haven’t had luck with weight loss in years. I asked her if I should at least continue the CoQ10.

It sucks that I still can’t tolerate statins because it would have been easier to swallow a pill every day rather than rearrange my diet but I know it’s good for me to eat healthier and fewer calories regardless. If I can finally force some weight off it will help my LDL score but I don’t hold out much hope there either. I’ve already tried and failed to get results from dieting numerous times. At least it will keep me from gaining along with increasing my exercise. And again, just because you have high cholesterol doesn’t mean it kills you.

The highest I’ve weighed at the start of my day that I know of was 159. Now I’m 158. If history repeats itself yet again, I’ll lose another pound or two, I’ll get stuck, and the weight will automatically reset itself even if I continue dieting and exercising. But at least I’ll keep bouncing between the same few pounds rather than getting well into the 160s As I feared I would during the move. If I can keep out of the 160s holed up in a hotel room eating junk food and fast food, I can certainly stay out here.

I’ve been fine so far today but yesterday I had some tummy cramps with more nausea. It’s got to be something with my digestive system if it isn’t intermittent gallbladder issues. I don’t know what makes it come and I don’t know what makes it go. I haven’t figured that out yet.

I’m thrilled to say that I never once got anxious last month and the last time I drank I didn’t get anxious either. It’s definitely been the best it’s been but I still don’t want to get too excited and assume it will never return.

Tomorrow I have blood drawn for my thyroid test and we’re both getting flu shots as well.

It’s sad that in 2021 a woman’s personal decision is still in the hands of strangers. I still say fuck the law and do what’s right for you personally. The way to fight back against crazy laws is not to give in to them. Succumb and other crazy laws will follow. Unfortunately, I don’t see the marches doing any good because it’s not like you can change the minds of the lawmakers. They’re gonna do what they’re going to do regardless of what the vast majority wants.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 1, 2021 Whoever had my new phone number before me was obviously in serious debt because I keep getting calls from debt collectors among other things. What pisses me off about iPhones is that in order to block unidentified callers, I have to silence every call from numbers I don’t know. I liked it better on the Android where I could simply block anyone that didn’t show their number. I don’t want to block an unknown number that could end up being important.

Anyway, this is an attempt to hopefully get caught up with my writing. There’s a lot to catch up on! I’ve been on the go nonstop so I haven’t had much time.

So much TV to catch up on as well! I have another season left of Mr. Mercedes and then I have a brand-new season of Law & Order SVU.

We’re almost through all our stuff and so far they managed to smash eight figurines, three of which couldn’t be repaired. If we don’t end up filing a claim, and we would likely only do that if it turned out that something was missing, I’m going to be bashing the living shit out of them on Yelp soon enough. Horrible, horrible moving company! I swear we’ll never let anyone move us again. We’ll either ship it in a pod that we pack ourselves or U-Haul it.

Anyway, I’m so behind I haven’t mentioned all the stuff we’ve gotten for the new place, one being a small desk for my secondary office where I work in the daytime. I’ll work at the desk off the kitchen at night when it’s not too warm and sunny in there. This way I feel like I have a little more space and privacy and I’m not as likely to hear anything going on outside depending on how loud it is.

A day or two after they pressure washed their house, they trimmed their tree in front but it wasn’t noisy. Reciprocating saws aren’t nearly as loud as chainsaws. It’s been 2-3 days since the last project so I’m sure that means that in another 4-5, somebody will do something around here. Again, same shit no matter where you go.

We got the bidet I prefer but it ended up leaking so it had to be returned and exchanged. As he said, that’s the difference between a $30 bidet and a $100 bidet. Yeah, but the $100 bidet’s spray is still too wide for my little ass!

We’ve got a little addition coming for the kitchen. A 4-foot-tall cabinet with an extra drawer and a couple of shelves. We need all the space we can get in here. As it is, the Bowflex is simply too big for this place so it’s going to have to go out in the lanai. I tried to tell him it wouldn’t fit in here.

I’m sure there are still numerous planes flying overhead but now that I’ve got the air cleaners going, they’re less noticeable. What has been more noticeable lately is the uptick in helicopters. It’s almost as if something up there is determined not to let me get off so easy with the flying shit.

And OMG! Every fucking time we go somewhere, we’ve got to deal with loud car stereos at stoplights. Every. Fucking. Time. But I know better than to bitch about it because that would only annoy Tom. Wouldn’t change anything anyway. Really, though, I just can’t understand some of these insane and twisted laws. Why are some things legal that shouldn’t be and why are some things illegal that shouldn’t be? What baffles me more than how the hell battery can be a misdemeanor while something you write or say can be a felony is how lawmakers themselves can’t see how backward and twisted something like this is.

Anyway, I’ve been having that stomach pain more often lately and I still have no idea what it could be. He thinks it’s intestinal and I hope he’s right and that it doesn’t have anything to do with gallstones. Hopefully, I can hold out until my February appointment with my PCP. I don’t want to go to urgent care because I don’t see how they can help me. I would probably need an ultrasound and special blood tests done to narrow down exactly what it is, and all urgent care mostly does is isolate what’s life-threatening and what’s not. Well, obviously this isn’t life-threatening because I’ve had it on and off for 5 years now. It’s just that this is the longest spell I’ve had, and it doesn’t usually last more than a few days.

My weight is pretty much unchanged. I’m still waking up in the high 150s. I could try the diet route again but I’m sure the same thing would happen where I just lose a few pounds and it comes right back no matter what I do.

My new dentist is wonderful even if she doesn’t have the water laser. I thought I detected a faint accent even though she was very easy to understand and when I looked her up on Facebook, I found that she’s from Brazil. She gave me Halcion and had me take one before bed as well as an hour before she did my fillings and I definitely slept like a rock. Nine solid hours with my highest sleep score ever of 93. Last night was just the opposite. Six hours with a score of 81. The only thing that hurt was the shot when she went to numb me.

She was pleased with my BP (I was bombed on Halcion, LOL) but here it continues to read too high. Top number in the 150s, bottom around 90.

Crystal, the assistant, is really nice. She wasn’t working yesterday, though. The assistant was some older lady instead. She didn’t really stand out in any way. Ashley, the hygienist, seems a bit standoffish but she did a good job of cleaning my teeth. The sonic scaler hurt a bit but I kind of equate it to waxing… It hurts a little but is worth the results.

They have all positive reviews except for one on Facebook where someone complained about going for a cleaning like I did only to spend an hour getting unwanted X-rays taken instead. That frustrated me as well and they should have cleaned my teeth as we agreed but I understand the X-rays are necessary and helpful.

I have to go back to sign a consent form for her to pull the tooth in a couple of weeks, and at that time she’ll give me another prescription for Halcion for that procedure. Because she’s so good and she’s worked on me already and I feel comfortable with her, I don’t think I’ll ask for Halcion for future fillings. She did say they were working on getting nitrous oxide. Either way, hopefully, the prescription fluoride toothpaste (MI paste) will help keep me from getting cavities.

So we’ve been to Walgreens a couple of times picking up prescriptions and getting other little odds and ends we’ve needed. Tomorrow we have to go back to pick up his blood pressure medication.

So we are slowly setting up house here but still have quite a way to go. I’m just so fucking pissed at the rude animals that broke our shit. There’s no excuse for it! I packed so well having had lots of experience. It would have had to take brute force for so much broken stuff. They dropped or threw the totes and boxes. Even just the way they carried them into the house was worrisome with the way they would tip things and plop them down a little too hard. Nobody gives a shit about anyone else’s stuff. If it’s someone else’s, they have no respect or consideration whatsoever. It won’t change anything, but I will be venting on Yelp eventually.

We went to McDonald’s by the dentist before coming home the day I had my teeth cleaned. Yeah, I had them nice and clean just to dirty them up with chicken nuggets and fries only minutes later, LOL.

Again we set up OneDrive and again I had problems with it so my big computer isn’t connected to that. Just the laptop.

I deleted Irene and the Jells because I’m pretty sure that Irene’s account got hacked yesterday, and while they may mean well, I’m just sick of trying to decipher their shitty English.

When I got a strange link that I wouldn’t click on from Irene, I said that I wanted to make sure it was her and not a hacker and therefore I wanted her to tell me who an old mutual friend of ours used to be that dumped us both, and she gave me the wrong name even though whoever it really was, insisted they weren’t hacked.

[anarchyrpbook]

THE SERPENT AND THE WINGS OF NIGHT a roleplay sentence meme with various quotes and sentences taken from carissa broadbent's the serpent and the wings of night. feel free to tweak as needed. content warning: foul language, mentions of violence/murder, suggestive themes

you have to push hard to make it through the breastbone.

death isn’t frightening when weighed against an insignificant existence.

they’re dead, and if you go after them, so are you.

you must be better than they are, to make up for what you are not.

here’s how you stay alive. here’s how you make sure that no one can hurt you.

think about what you have to gain from an interaction. the answer is usually nothing.

i want an apology. for stabbing me.

you just wanted to swing your cock around.

you haven’t said a single true thing since you strode in here, so i’ll be honest for the both of us.

i am the only person who will ever make that promise and keep it.

you are prey. you will always be prey.

you’ll bleed to death, or they’ll kill you.

i will stab you again if you come even a single step closer to me.

i taught you better than to serve yourself to your enemies that way.

you need to focus on staying alive. nothing else.

i tried to come to you for help and you weren’t there.

watch his back, but don’t let him see yours.

you don’t know how to give a fuck about a single person other than yourself.

you think my life is worth nothing, but i can still leave a stain on you that can’t be washed out.

what’s immortality if we don’t use it to do the same things over and over again, forever, until the end of time?

that’s an uncharacteristically boring retort.

i have my ways. very dangerous, very clever, very impressive ways.

do you want to change this world? then climb your cage until you are so high no one can catch you. break its walls and make them your weapons. nothing is sharper.

you cannot accomplish anything in this world without power, and power requires sacrifice, focus, and ruthlessness.

now is the time for conquering.

do you want people to think you’re a brute?

you fucking knew, and you still gave me that much shit -

do you wish to unseat me? try.

you have opened a door you cannot close again, and you are not prepared for the horrors that i will pour through it.

these horrors will not spare you. not even when you beg for death.

i’m glad your bedside manner is about as delicate as i would have expected.

he left me. i called and called, and he wouldn’t come.

stop resisting it. lean into it. that’s the only way we make it through.

i’d be disappointed if you didn’t walk into that party armed to the teeth.

don’t be so quick to throw away your humanity, you might find you miss it once it’s gone.

i’ve lived through some injustices. seen some fucking travesties. but the biggest is that anyone taught you that you should become anything other than exactly what you are.

your heart is beating very fast. you must be very concerned for my well-being.

that wasn’t how i’d imagined making you come for the first time.

are you really not aware that you are always making a face?

you seem to be good at winning the hearts of ill-tempered creatures.

our dream world is nice, but it’s not real. and i don’t want to be woken up from it by you tearing open my throat.

i didn’t want you to see me that way, so i pretended that version of myself didn’t exist. 

i’m not going to just sit next to you while you die.

you made it so far, but at least your bones will lie in your homeland.

i’ve had many years of practice, it is always important to be decisive and efficient. 

power demands ruthlessness. what did you expect me to do?

i gave you teeth and claws. i made your heart steel. do not pity them. they are less than you.

i appreciate your thoroughness, but i think he’s dead.

you think i pity you? i don’t pity you. i just think you deserve better.

i don’t want to fuck you for the first time in an alleyway three feet from a pile of entrails.

we’ll probably die tomorrow. show me something worth living for.

i would beg. for you, i would. you have fucking destroyed me. do you know that?

glad your pillowtalk is about as pleasant as your bedside manner.

promise me you’ll never stop fighting.

end the danger and the fear and the violence. end it.

i know grief. i know what it is to lose half of one’s soul.

a dead lover can never break your heart.

love was a sacrifice at the alter of power.

stop speaking. stop dying. stop leaving me.

i loved you. i loved you from the first moment.

power is a risky business.

we have teeth, you and i. now is the time to use them.

i can’t kill you. i tried. i can’t. a world without you would be a dark, depressing place.

let me save you.

[yukiii-9]

SPOILER ALERT::: JJK SEASON 2::: if you didint finish season 2, then I think you should scroll…

guys I am still mad about the shibuya incident till this day.

I am specifically mad about how gege just started killing everybody off because of what his wife said. (his wife is so real.)

If any of you guys don’t know she said something about choosing gojo over gege lol

After she said that, he started tweaking out on us. First off, he started killing off junpei. Junpei was such a cute kid. If mahito didn’t kill him, then maybe he would’ve took yuujis offer on joining jujutsu high. It would probably be good for him because he can see curses (like how he saw mahito kill them people in the movie theater.) all he had to do is just learn some things from gojo, and then he could be a really good sorcerer.

He learned some stuff from mahito too I think. I think he used what he learned from mahito to kill his classmates. He died in that same school, just not in the same exact place as his classmates.

After that, shibuya incident came around. Gege decided to break our hearts in half by showing us a scene of “geto” and gojo seeing eachother. Gojo really thought geto was back. Half of his body was telling him that was geto, but his heart and soul knew otherwise. Then, after allat, he got stuck into the cube. He was in there for the remainder of season 2.

Then, gege decided to risk us (well me) from going crazy by showing us a scene where Haruta and Nobara get at it. I really thought nobara was really going to leave us. I was about to start tweaking. This was until nanami stepped into the scene. Ooo y’all don’t understand how HAPPY I was. Haruta got jumped by nanami it was crazy.

(Also, can we just talk about how nanami looked when he first stepped into the scene?)

LIKE OH MY GOSHHHH… He was definitely on that mewing streak during this. (I’ve been mewing for how long and I still don’t look atleast a little bit like this.) the difference between him in season one and THIS SPECIFIC SCENE goes crazy.

Anyway, back on track.

Can we talk about how ino only had like 10 minutes of screen time? It was so crazy. Ino was so fine and funny too😭 then before he could even start fighting, he got boxed by toji 💀 (not too much on ino though, he was fine.) Megumi and Yuuji thought he was going to come back alive. (bro did NAUWT come back to life.)

Can we also talk about how toji looked when he came back from being an apple logo? It was so crazy. he boxed ino, AND KILLED THE GRANPA AND GRANDMA. (he literally knocked the pearls off that grandma.) (apparently, He was in the grandpas body, and then I guess the grandpa lost to toji, and then there he is. idk how and what happened yall so don’t put me on this.)

I don’t have a lot of time left so I might have to make a pt.2 on this.

Can we talk about how Mei Mei was JUST in shibuya incident with yuuji, and then she’s seen in MALAYSIA (I think) SLEEPING WITH HER LITTLE BROTHER NAKEDLY??? like listen. There was one bed, so I understood why you guys would have to share a bed. BUT WHY ARE YOU NAKED?? like mei mei put your clothes back on… I don’t think your little brother wants to see your melons and your lunch… (he probably did, probably didn’t. Idk) mei mei just became drakes sister in the second season…

like keep mei mei fine ahh out but NOT near me and my school🔥🔥🔥

anyways guys, find part two later or tomorrow. (Or never if I forget about this..)

bye bye

[parksprout]

Sprout Journal 11/3/24

Hey Tumblr! There's some stuff I wanna talk about today, so I'm going to do a lil journal entry. I was doing journaling at home with pen and paper, but frankly my handwriting is so bad and I use my hands like that so infrequently that I was cramping before I got even close to writing all of my thoughts out each day. So I decided I'm going to put my thoughts that I can share out like this, it can be somewhat of a log of my own self growth! And also keep me a lil sane if I'm struggling again.

Today has been a really good day, actually! So I was on a really successful diet for about 6 months during which I got a 3rd of the way to my overall weight goal and built a bunch of muscle. Then, when I started college full time, I basically stopped altogether. I didn't gain any weight back, but I have been plateaued (least favorite word to spell omg) for a looonggggg time. This week, I've been finally eating how I want to again. My go to breakfast has been

Overnight oats: 1/2 cup of unrefined dried oats 1/2 cup of 2% milk 1 whole banana cut into thin slices 1 tablespoon of honey

Honestly I had it on like the 29th without any banana or honey and that SHIT WAS ASSSSSSS. It was so bland, but I hate wasting food so I downed that slop anyway and felt siicccckkkk ough. Honestly it's been really hard to eat lately due to my current tweak out sesh (breakup stuff) and forcing myself to down that was terrible ToT. This new version with banana and honey is AMAZING THOUGH LIKE ITS GENUINELY TASTY?

After I ate that I went to work and... honestly? As much as I hate my co-workers? It was really good to see them today. They may be bad people, but they are all really attached to me. I have been giving them all life advice for so long because I thought I had it all figured out, and it's very funny being on the opposite end of things now. I specifically asked them if they think I was being silly for reaching out and breaking no contact with my partner (they are my ex but... ugh it doesn't feel right to say that, it makes my stomach hurt). I explained to them why, how, and when I did it and... they actually supported me, they are the only ones in my life who think that reaching out was anything but a mistake. I probably asked 12 people about it and only those three felt like... maybe I'm not wrong for trying to continue the conversation more than we did. Either way, they responded yesterday and we've been talking a lot today. Us talking naturally doesn't mean we're automatically back together, but it might be a new beginning of sorts regardless of what the end looks like. I'm feeling hopeful that we might be able to talk things out and heal, but I can't say anything for certain for now and probably won't be able to for a long time.

I can say that... I found out today that they were thinking about me too. When they started replying to my texts today I snuck out of work to sit in the back of my car and just... take in what they were saying, and respond. They took a picture at work that had my name on it... that made me cry real, fat tears for the first time since this happened. It's strange how I had been sobbing but my cheeks stayed dry, but the moment I talked to them and saw a glimmer of us in their life I started bawling in the back of my own car.

Today is also the first day I've rested instead of heading to the gym after work since this all started. Oh my god my body is so sore. Right now I'm planning out the rest of my night and physical activity is NOT on the agenda.

- After I post this I'll give myself a bit more time to rest and relax - Then it's time to work on homework! First I have to practice for an oral exam I have tomorrow in Spanish class. Then after that, I have both a presentation and another project in Archaeology due on Friday ToT I also have this re-write of a short story for creative writing that I need to work on a second draft of - Then I want to work on OC stuff? I have some ideas for a sleep token OC that I wanna work on, and also I think I can refine my OC's for DnD, my personal writing projects and more somewhat? I think it'd been neat to try and draw them myself sometime soon - besides that I don't think I have plans. Maybe some video games or reading if I have extra time!

Thank you for listening tonight tumblr, you're the realest <3 if anyone sees this, I'm still looking for more mutuals! I wanna learn more about people who share my interests, don't be a stranger :3

[imraespace]

i have emerged from my dark alleyway… 😈 NEW ANON MUEHEDHHEV Welcome 😈😈😈

i was studyign for my hsitory test and finished my hsutory cpt yesterday i started at 4:30 and i finished at… 8:30…… 💔 HELP IDK WHY IT TOOK SO LONG IT WAS LEGIT JUST AN INTRO PARAGRAPH HELPMEEE WHY DUD IT TAKE ME SO LONG AND WATCH ME DO IT WRONG

My history test was suposoed to eb yesterday but then he was like no tomorrow!! SO NOW IM LIKE TWEAKING OUT BC MY FRIENDS SHOWED ME THEIR TEST LAYOUT AND THE WRITTEN PORTION IS SO BAD LIKE WDYM I HAVE TI CONNECT TWO EVENTS AND FIND A THEME AND THEN EXPLAIN THAT THEME LIKE I ALREADY DO THAT FOR AP ENGLISH WHY THE HELL AM I DOING IT IN HISTORY …. it doesnt help that i still dont know how to make a theme statement … 💜💜💜💜 But i have memorized the answers for any possible questions and he cant come up w that many there has to be an overlap at some point.

i also have a chem writing assessment thingy today or something and i feel liek im gonna do so bad on it today but its oaky i guess BC UM at leasti got 100 on one of my tests yesterday AND IM NOT GOING TO SCHOOL TOMORROW SO IM FREE FOR LIKE A DAY BEFKRE I GO BACK UGH i cant even like rest tomrorow bc i have to work on a cpt again 💔 i remember my business cpt and i didnt go to school just to finish it and it took me 12 hours of non stop grind but i got 100 on it 😈🙏

imgonan fall asleep i SWEAR IDONT WNANA FO TO SCHOOL 💔💔

dailt question is would you rather be a pretzel or a portable charger HELPME

- 🐙

omg speak of the octopus and she will arrive..🤫🤫

OMGA 4 HOURS LONG?? FOR AN INTRO PARAGRAPH? HELP DONT SAY THAT have confidence!!! (I don't I say the same thing all the time)

NOT THAT TEACHER SETTING YALL UP ALSO WHY IS HISTORY SO CONFUSING I ONLY REMEMBERED STUFF I LEARNED IN PRIMARY SCHOOL FOR MY COUNTRY'S HISTORY LIKE THE CARIBS AND ARAWAKS AND HOW THE ARAWAKS WAS PEACEFUL AND CARIBS WASNT AND that's all ik.. I forgot the rest

what the fac is a theme statement☹️

HELP I DID THAT ONCE BC our accounts exams are literally pass papers so I accidentally found the exact one our teacher gave us but that format she didn't teach us but somehow wanted us to know how to do like LIKE IM ALBERT DAMN EINSTEIN SO I FORGOT THE FORMAT BUT I REMEMBERED THE ANSWER SO I did something.. AND HADBTHE WRONG WORKING AS WELL HELP but at the end of the day THE DAMN FORMAT WASNY THE ONE SHE WANTED SO IDK WHAT SHE WANTS MY SOUL??

good luck.. ALSO CONGRATSTS I might not go to school tomorrow as well..

YOU HAVE A BUSINESS CPT?? omg guess who does business and brought it up many times😉😉🤫🤫🤫🤫😉😉😉🤫🤫🤫

YASS THE GRIND!!! I ALSO DONT WANNA GO TO SCHOOL I WAS UP AT 3AM DOING WORK BC I accidentally fell asleep as soon as came home from school and slept till 10pm but thats not my fault! I was also watching bratz bc I was a bratz girlie when I was younger heheheheheh my bsf was barbie and I was bratz🤫

HELP WHAT IS THIS QUESTION? erm a pretzel bc they're tasty😊

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary12

getting better all the time. 9/16-17/2023

today was better than yesterday. yesterday i was so miserable because basically i realized that i was mixing everything with bad ears (the usual setup i was using was sapping a ton of low end, kind of shelf effect where everything around 100hz and below was super quiet and almost nonexistent) which leads to obvious overcompensation when mixing otherwise, bass and kicks too loud. so i had to go through, today, and figure out what was fucked up and what wasn't. less than you'd expect was fucked up, but i had to run through about 25 or more songs and then start a and b-ing things to see what was fine and what wasn't, but some stuff has really messed up mixes and that takes hours to unfuck, i don't know, like 5 songs about, 1 taking a bunch of my time today especially. this setup also sapped a lot of high end while also saturating the mix, so everything just sounds different now, some stuff sounds less clinky, and i need to get some kinds of distortion more right/see if i like putting saturation on the master. one song sounds alright with it, but will i feel that way tomorrow. another thing is it really messes with the vocal mixes. it's weird, because the mid-range is so favored in that setup by its nature i guess, it kind of begins to favor where the vocals and "guitars" sit in these songs, and so i mixed around that trying to get the vocals less emphasized and guitars more up front. this puts me in a weird place, because in this other setup which is just me getting my system audio, it's weirdly not favoring guitars, and the vocals are duller because of the lack of saturation and say, not cutting them too much in the lows. the vocals are an easier fix, i need to put a multiband on them and boost the highs, i did that to the songs that i've done vocals for recently to get the brighter/better. when i go to the old setup, it's really fucked up, because it pushes them up front even more, but if i swap in shitty earbuds on the system audio setup, it sounds a lot better to have the vocals pushed out of the mids a bit more than have them fully there, because it eats like every other sound on the song. maybe i'm just bad at mixing, if i were good, these things would sound serviceable in these other environments, but now i think i'm figuring that out now. i guess.

the guitars are either going to be really frustrating or i'll have a breakthrough. it makes me want to cry though. it's so strange because they both have more body and feel like they need some tweaking, more brightness maybe or saturation still, but they're so distorted already.

i think what i'm really getting hung up on is one song, a super short one, that i want to be more readable, so maybe i'll just kill myself doing that or something forever who knows. i'm already opening ableton again to try and get it right lol. i have been doing this since 1 pm today and now it's 1:37.

the reason this takes so long is cuz my computer sucks so bad it makes me want to give up or not really just makes me want to die.

okay and now another version of that same song is rendering and could you believe i am back here typing one who hour later. i spent maybe an hour and a half in the shower and around dinner (11 pm) i finally let myself take a break after finally getting what felt like a good amount done, but here i am, back again doing this. i am stupid and insane.

i still need to work on it. i think i can get it right it's just so difficult.

wwow more than 2 hours later still not where i want it but closer i think.

ok now it's 6 in the morning basically and i think i did it. i hope. i'm waiting on it to render but this should be it, i think.

yayayayayayay i think i have it and when i wake up tomorrow i think i'll like it and whatever needs to be done to it now is like at most moving the high pass on it up probably to remove some dullness but i want to hear it tomorrow to see if i'm crazy for thinking that might need to be done at all.

i'm so tired now i hate being up this late.

soon i will be happy with everything again i hope.