#might delete later but for now: here we are. bc i need my brain to chill the fuck out

[mieczyhale]

i simply do not know or understand enough about the history / conflict between Israel and Palestine to have any real opinion that isn't basically "people are suffering, people have suffered, and i wish they weren't".

Truly idk shit - not because I don't care but bc i'm an idiot who gets easily confused by complicated* topics if i'm not hyperfixated on them. And I dont choose the hyperfixations. If I could i'd love to learn more, to understand better, but that's not reality. So here we are. I dont know enough to have an opinion.

And that's okay actually.

It's okay to not have an opinion on something / literally everything. To admit you don't know. It's always okay to shut the fuck up and not harass people

Now.. I will reblog from people who seem to really know what they're talking about (which is typically people who are actually affected in some way and aren't just providing an outside perspective btw) but outside of that... im not gonna pretend to know shit i don't. I'm not a cishet white man.

*some people act like its a simple black and white topic and its not. it often isnt simple when people and politics are involved. there's more than two options for opinions to have bc it is A Lot. and idk.. pretending its not is kinda disrespectful isn't it?? to try and boil *gestures at all of it* down to such bare bones.

[dirty-osc-confessions]

Coming back to copy-paste my confessions for the background of my anon sona. The concept of an "anon sona" is kinda crazy esp since I can't share it on Tumblr bc my style is somewhat recognizable to those who know it, and part of the name is being anonymous. I guess it's better to have "🫳🫴🦷 anon" be the person tied to my words than my main blog/image.

I've been quietly using that emoji combo for at least a year before I was even on Tumblr though, so if any of my close friends ever get Tumblr and find confession blogs I'm done for.

The only place I think I can safely put the art itself is the main oscconfessions blog's discord, but the link expired, so I'm trying to be patient to wait for the meetup to end so I can beg for a new one. Honestly, it being closed right now hurts rrgfghg.

5 hours on my Freaky Tooth drawing so far. If anyone wants to see it, I can send it in the inbox, and as long as it's deleted eventually, I'm good. The want to show off art is slowly arguing the style recognition argument away

Something to confess while I'm here, the months Airy was gone in hfjone makes less sense the more I think about it.

Food & water are the basics - based on the assumption that hfjone follows the same rules/standard of other object shows, objects need to at least eat to survive. Furthermore, we can see that there are restaurants in the osc version of San Francisco, and if not that, there's at least a bar. Alcohol as a beverage was made through wheat products, which were only harvested for the purpose of food in the first place. There's always the possibility with that that in this alternative timeline, beer/alcohol was made later on in the modern age through experimenting with brain chem's reaction, and in this case, I present water. In the hfjone investigations, much like in a real police questioning scenario, each of those who give testimony are offered water. This is to build rapport, but I don't have time to go into criminal psychology (as much as I'd love to talk abt it, this is an osc confession), so instead I'll say for the sake of argument that water IS essential to an object living.

Where did they get the water during that time??? Sure, there was the swimming pool, but I doubt they'd do that for months without making some form of cup. Slurping up water WHILE SWIMMING IN THE WATER is a terrible idea, you will get another Liam scenario. (Also feel like the water level might've gone down a bit, but who cares.)

Food??? I think at this point, they still had Whippy Creamy, but whipped cream is not a viable source of nutrients. ALSO, there's an issue with quantity. Do you really think one tub of whipped cream could sustain a group of more than even ONE object for that long??? Idk, maybe they just started eating tree bark from those trees we see in the challenge to "run to the tree and back".

I have less of an issue with Airy's version of this. There was probably some wildlife/edible plant life around he could get in a decade.

I mean. You could always just. Moldy is still a piece of bread, and if you cut off the moldy bit, you might be able to last a bit. They didn't do that though, sucks to suck not to resort to cannibalism in basically a stranded island scenario. Speaking of, object anatomy, yeah? Weird stuff, but I'll talk about that some other time.

Still enjoy hfjone. I don't have anything vitriolic to say other than I still hate bfdi with all my heart and soul. Love all the algebraliens, though ♡

I didn't double-check any of my claims here, but I think rewatching all of hfjone/the investigation tapes earlier this month is still fresh enough in my mind to talk about.

I find Pi and Animatic are those I'm most 'down bad' for. Jjjjjesus I didn't plan on this being an nsfw consfession though, and it's already getting quite long as is.

xoxo, 🫳🫴🦷 anon (freaky tooth)

wow, interesting stuff. is there a history of adhd in your family?

[luwupercal]

I’m asking this question to tumblr user horuslupercal but you seem like the necron expert here so I’m requiring your knowledge too

I have a question. Before they met the necrontyr, the C’tan were a bunch of weird space slime floating around the place eating suns right. How did the necrontyr manage to get in contact with them? How did they manage to find out the C’tan were sentient at all?? From the description I saw they behave more like single celled organisms or very strange plants.

This feels more like a group of scientists naming a member of a new species of deep sea squid “Messenger” because it will help them out with studying its species. “Let’s name it Mephet’ran!! It means Messenger. Wouldn’t that be adorable💖?”

Now I may be completely wrong in my assumptions but the idea that the necrontyr anthropomorphised the C’tan, giving them personalities and thoughts that their species simply doesn’t have. And then the C’tan doing the complete opposite to the necrontyr by turning them into the necrons. …similarities parallels narratives…

okay SO I'm going to check some codexes later for in-depth answers if I have the brains for it but I do actually have some answers. not all of them, but I do have some answers!

The necrontyr found what would become the c'tan in space through probes, either by complete accident or, allegedly (it's the Book of Mournful Night in the in-universe Black Library saying this, so this might be eldar bias or it might be the objective truth of the universe, I have zero clue, blame Cegorach), the necrontyr's hatred of the Old Ones was so great that it attracted the c'tan through space and made them come to the necrontyr

This is from the 3rd edition necrons codex, so take it less with a grain and more with the Khewra Salt Mine in Pakistan, but Lexicanum says there's old lore about a c'tan just kinda teleporting to a necrontyr spaceship and starting to kill people and demanding to be worshiped, and that's... one answer as to how first contact went / how they found out the c'tan were intelligent.

This does however contradict the Fandom wiki, which says, without source (god damnit), that the necrons forged bodies for the c'tan based on their old gods (which ***I personally assume*** to mean, like, the necrontyr equivalent of Zeus or Thor or whatever, as in, they were a dead religion for a long while). (This probably comes from a newer codex, but I have to actually look at codex lore for that and I don't actually have access to any codexes, so, again, I'm gonna go snooping and get back to you on this one).

The idea generally that the necrons associated the c'tan with their old or "dead" gods seems to be very prominent though, and it is a form of anthropomorphization, absolutely, so you were right on the money on that! Even back in that third edition necrons codex it's stated that the necrons thought the c'tan were the spawn of an older (dead) god of theirs. So yeah, the necrontyr did anthropomorphize (necrontyrmorphize?) the c'tan, but in a holier sort of way

Imagine if someone found sea slugs in space and we put them in, like, Odinbot 3000 mechas and worshiped them as gods, and then in return they decided to eat our souls. Is this based or cringe? Vote now on your phones

Also I reverse google searched the quote you sent and Lexicanum claims it's also from that 3rd edition Necrons codex which I didn't check until I'd written the bit about the salt mine, I am so sorry. I'm not deleting it though bc what is the internet if not to make jokes that are only funny to you

We are all need new necrons codexes

Fandom needs to cite its sources. Doing this is like, a good chunk of the reason why Lexi is better (apart from the not being part of Fandom wikia conglomerate. also Lexi notes that N'kari went through life as a male eldar before becoming a daemon and I don't think Fandom does, which is a loss for lgbt diversity among eldritch abominations, tbh)

(Sources are great and they made Fulgrim bisexual)

Anyways, I don't think there's any source that talks in depth about whether or not the c'tan were intelligent before being given bodies, so "the c'tan were given sapience by the necrontyr with their new bodies and they proceeded to immediately use this to fuck the necrontyr over" is a perfectly reasonable assumption to make. Headcanon to have? Interpretation? it's my interpretation now, for certain

Also idk if I understand the "And then the C’tan doing the complete opposite to the necrontyr by turning them into the necrons" bit at the end? I'm not actually very sure what you mean for it and I am curious about it because that sounds interesting but there's a number of plausible interpretations i could make for that statement and I would appreciate clarification if you wanna give it

I'm ending it on 12 because it's a tidy number but I have nothing else to add so I'm just gonna put a funny here: heyheyheyyy c'maahn the Deceiver's just a little guy, the Deceiver's just a little guyy, noo, it's also his birthday, the Deceiver's a little birthday boyy

anyway I hope this helps!

[insertdisc5]

Hi!! I wanted to ask, in celebration of Deltarune CH. 2, do you have any updated thoughts and head canons about the game?? Like, y'know, similar to a previous ask about Kris in your Deltarune tag? Thanks!

thoughts on kris part 2 i guess???? (part 1 from ch1 here lol)

spoilers for deltarune like woah. this wont be kris focused just random thoughts on everything. thank you for giving me the opportunity to talk

not that many thoughts for this chapter tbh! EDIT LOL: this was a lie i have a lot of thoughts

-just in general i feel like the player isn't the only one controlling kris... like yes the player forced kris to do what happened in the snowgrave route but AT THE SAME TIME idk it feels like there's someone else too. just because of the terrifying voice i suppose. and also the jerky movement kris does every time they get their soul out? unless there's another reason for it... maybe getting your soul out means you walk weird lol

-BUT ALSO i feel like kris is 100% in control when they create fountains. idk it just makes sense kris would create them. to create another world, a better world, A WORLD WHERE THEIR BROTHER IS HERE PERHAPS? i do wonder why they get their soul out then though. i'm all for it sweetie! do whatever! i support you!

-(i am and will be playing deltarune with only kris' best interests in mind. i will not hurt anyone unless kris wants me to. dont worry my little meow meow im on your side! talk to me! no? okay ill stay under the sink its fine)

-speaking of asriel. SUMMER VACATION COLLEGE WHEN? SUMMER VACATION COLLEGE WHEN? SUMMER (starts crying) V-VACATION COLLEGE WHEN

-kris misses their brother so much it's so sad. if you make kris steal 5$ from asriel they take it "reluctantly"? talking to asriel online so often even alphys knows?? the google search?? GOING INTO ASRIEL'S GOOGLE SEARCH ROOM WITH THEIR EYES CLOSED BECAUSE THEY'RE CONVINCED THEY ALREADY KNOW WHATS IN THERE? THAT ONE IS LESS OF A MISSING THING BUT IM LIKE OH MY GOD

-the city walk with susie at the end makes it clear to me that kris really values susie's friendship... kris even sits with her if you spend long enough near the lake like aaaaah ;_;

-and even in snowgrave you spend your last acts with the final boss calling for your friends like YES there's a way bigger creepy aspect to this (kris as more of a Leader who Commands and commands their subjects to come) but still :'0 (and then noelle answers oh my god noelle im so sorry for the trauma)

-berdly. listen. listen. listen. liste

-berdly sucks but [berdly hurts his arm in the battle against queen if you don't save him because he doesnt want to hurt you] [berdly realizing smg's wrong in snowgrave and immediately taking steps to save noelle] berdly is my little crumb nugget. i will protect him.

-noelle. noelle. girlboss!

-like ooooh listen. hearing about the genocide path for undertale. made me go "that is SO COOL. i HAVE to experience it myself this is great. hehehe killing time" and like no regrets. i was fully enjoying the experience knowing i was an awful person. SNOWGRAVE THOUGH. i will never try this myself its too fucked up. casually grooming your childhood friend to murder people <3 and also acting like a weird stalker towards her <3 stockholm syndrome speedrun i will get all the info i can about this but i will never do this myself

-people remarking the kris/player>noelle relationship is similar to the relationship between player>chara in genocide path is like yes. chefs kiss. don't worry we just are making you stronger and everything will be fine "you made me kill my friend? and for what?" this is fine sweetie don't worry about it!!!!!!

-like the amount of details added to snowgrave, like if you equip noelle's watch she notices later? and her battle animations change as time goes on, she gets an ice shield and stops sighing in relief after battle? oh my god? oh my god.

-(berdly is not awake.) JUST KILL ME RIGHT HERE I HAVEN'T STOPPED THINKING ABOUT BERDLY NOT BEING AWAKE!!!!!

-also why didnt he turn into dust. so many possible reasons. is magic a thing in the normal world and perhaps no magic means no dust (theres graves). maybe he isnt dead. maybe hes braindead. maybe he'll come back. either way that boy is now in the closet big enough to put someone in

-also dess' name probably being december AND THATS WHY NOELLE LOST THE SPELLING BEE?!?!??! FUCK ME UP!!!!! JUST FUCK ME UP!!!!!!! OH MY GOD!!!!!!

-also so many good pixel art this chapter. too many? i didnt need pixel art of cardboard noelle falling on the statue. like thank you but please. please it hurts my game artist brain.

-the expressions in this chapter were also top notch. all the unsettling noelle expressions like (i fall over face first)

-i threw away the ball of junk (which i already tried in ch1) and this time the game was like "ARE YOU SURE BC THIS IS A BAD IDEA" and kris felt bitter :'( (it deletes all your items in the dark world)

-i uh fucked up and skipped the susie+noelle scene bc listen last time ralsei mentionned seeing what susie is doing we missed some PRIMO LORE. turns out it just makes you skip the scene and you dont get anything new. welp

-speaking of ralsei well you know. he exists. but im stuck on him going "i just wonder what being ralsei-like even is...?" ralsei my dude there's so much i could say about this. do you feel like you can't be ralsei-like because you feel like you have to be asriel-like

-but also that makes no sense bc susie hasnt even mentioned ralsei looks like asriel. and i cant imagine asriel being so meek. so WHAT GIVES

-ralsei as kris’ “i wish i was a monster just like my bro and family and i’d look like asriel but with red horns [THE HALLOWEEN COSTUME] and my name would be something cool like ralsei instead of a boring human name like kris and im sweet and cute because thats how i act with asriel because ASRIEL MADE ME” theory because that would be cute.

-ASRIEL GOING TO THE CHURCH TO CONFESS HIS "SINS" WHEN "SINS" AREN'T A THING IN THE ANGEL BELIEF LIKE I KNOW THIS INTERACTION WAS TREATED AS A JOKE BUT WHAT THE FUCK ASRIEL?

-kris definitely has a connection with the big red door in the city, judging by what the kids say they probably went there... i feel like this place's dark world will be the Final Dungeon you KNOW some shit happened there. also the sounds you hear when you go there is the phone dark world call's sound slowed down? AND AFTER SNOWGRAVE APPARENTLY YOU CANT HEAR IT ANYMORE? HUWAH?

-speaking of songs the songs were all so good, My Castle Town rules, the berdly snowgrave music is stuck in my head, flashback is uwah wuahah, Until Next Time is so good, AND ALSO A FRIEND NOTICED THE DARK WORLD CITY THEME IS JUST tHE SONG 74 (MOST NOTICEABLE WITH THE SNOWGRAVE VERSION)?????? WHAT DOES IT MEAN????? it might be just "hey its just reuse" BUT MR FOX YOU KNOW WE'RE GONNA READ INTO THIS IS NOELLE THE ONE SINGING IDK BRO!!!!!!!!!!

-asgore dreemurr fired from the force what happun!!!!! game theory is that asgore is related to dess' death/disappearance but eh who knows

-you start the chapter at lvl2 and get to lvl3 after the final boss, a friend mentioned this is probably because we destroyed a world and im :0

-to go back to kris it's still so interesting to figure out who they are based on how they act/people mention them. like kris shaking the ferris wheel car? yeah makes sense i can imagine a pranking kid do this. kris' dance? yeah thats a little silly but i can buy it. doing cool anime poses? well i dunno this doesnt line up PERFECTLY but sure. BUT EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENS IN SNOWGRAVE... especially >proceed like that is such a weird thing that i can't imagine them doing, but i can't completely see the "player" doing either (compare with going to sans -which kris doesnt know- and going "SANS!" because of course the player would know sans), like THATS one of the reasons i feel like there's someone else in there. the weird robotic merciless actions. if im going super meta it feels like there'd be someone else like writing the choices into existence for us to pick you know? gaster probably? god i need to read more gaster theories i completely sidestepped the gaster shit bc i wasnt interested. anyway just spitballing

-(looks at big shot guy) please dont make him the next tumblr guy i beg you

-obligatory "queen was great" mention if only because this part made me laugh a little bit too hard

that was a lot. thank you for letting me talk

[xiu21chen99]

hxh headcanon/imagine.

again... still about hisoillu but about their engagement instead of illu's influenced fashion choice.

also this is more of... idk it gave reason why they chose to marry instead of uh other ways i guess??

i've seen so many fanarts where illu would break the news to the zoldycks or how killu would react to having hisoka as his brother in law- like srsly it's meme worthy at this point- and lotsa ones that showed how hisoka proposed as a joke or smtg but... I've been overthinking abt it these past few days sO i present to you how i think "the big question aka the proposal" happened... (manga spoilers??)

it's after hisoka resurrected himself obviously, and def after he killed kortopi and shalnark (so he knew there was gonna be empty slots in the spiders' lineup)

i imagine illu went back to the zoldyck estate after the whole fiasco and only heard of hisoka's "death" from rumors while he was on a mission

and then when he was idk maybe contemplating on whether or not he should visit the body(?) to pay respects or something, he gets a text message from the devil himself

their text went like this probably:

hisoka: hey~ where are you right now?♠️ (and no u can't tell me hisoka doesn't text w card suits u just can't-)

illumi: who are you and how did you get the phone you are currently using?

hisoka: ooh~ illu~ i feel betrayed, did you delete my number?♣️

illumi: hisoka is dead

hisoka: *image attached*

illumi: oh

illumi: hello hisoka, how are you still alive?

hisoka: you sound disappointed~♦️

illumi: i kind of am...

hisoka: rude, just tell me where you are♥️

...and that's how they met up?? ngl i think illu has a know-it-all syndrome where he just has to,,, k n o w everything

he's curious so he agrees to the meetup ofc

he's also surprised when he sees hisoka is in good shape when they meet (idk at a bar in an unknown city?)

they drink whiskey on the rocks because... you know...

hisoka explains how he survived and his next plan of action (which is terminate the spiders)

illumi makes a mental note of nen after death bc he's heard and seen it all before but... not to this extent,

this is gonna be,,, bland but i think this is the logic behind why hisoka chose to get married/engaged instead of just paying up front (reference to the ten dons' commission to get chrollo killed and chrollo's commission to get the ten dons killed)--

anyways here's how their conversation goes:

i: "why did you want to talk in person?"

h: "oh y'know, for old times sake."

i: "...right"

hisoka laughs, "okay so maybe i want to ask you for a favor..?"

confused, illumi asks, "why could you not have just texted if you wanted me to kill someone for you?"

h: "no, no- wait, actually, you're not too far off."

i: ~mOrE cOnfUsiOn~ "huh?"

h: "how do contracts for assassination work in your... family business?"

i: "half the promised pay before, the remaining half afterwards. should the target be eliminated by a third party, the assigned zoldyck still gets the pay and should the employer die, then the contract is terminated and the zoldyck will report back immediately."

h: "and has anyone made a contract to have themselves terminated?"

i: "i beg your pardon?"

h: "what complications will arise should your employer's target be... themselves?"

i: "i believe... i have never encountered such circumstance before. the people who hire us are those who have enough money and resource to have their enemies killed quickly. no one's tried to test the zoldyck assassination prowess."

h: "so... how will that work?"

i: "are you implying this is the reason why you have contacted me today?"

h: "yes~ ♥️" (how he said a heart emoji out loud is up to you, reader)

i: "it will be a pointless paradox. logically, the zoldyck will only get the employment bill. and i, myself, do not find pleasure in going for the kill like you lest i get my reward, so you will not get a contract out of me, hisoka."

h: "is there no leeway?"

i: "a zoldyck stands up to their word. so no."

h: "even for a friend?~ ♦️"

i: "we are not friends, hisoka-"

hisoka raises his glass of whiskey along with his eyebrow.

i: "oh..."

h: "didn't you tell dear killua that a zoldyck didn't need friends?"

i: "you... are an associate, someone reliable in the killing world. it's different."

h: "hypocrite"

i: "i ask you for favors and you make me return them. it is not like we spend our time together leisurely like killu with that island boy..."

hisoka clinks their matching glasses of whiskey even though his is already empty, a shit-eating grin on his lips.

i: "you suggested we meet here."

h: "this isn't the first time we went out to drink, right illu?"

i: "regardless!! i will not kill you just for half the money. i do not like wasting efforts on fruitless missions."

h: "as i said, is there no exception, to make sure you get my money if you were to succeed in killing me?"

i: "are you doubting my skill, hisoka?"

h: "that's not the point right now~ ♠️"

i: "wait, why do you want me to get all of your money?"

h: "haven't we just gotten over this subject? because you're my friend, of course."

i: "i... we are not friends, hisoka."

hisoka claps, "that's it! illumi!! ♣️"

i: "eh?"

h: "marry me! that way in our prenup I'll make sure you get all of my money, and even without a prenup you'll still get it since you'll be my only relative! that solves it!"

i: "hisoka, are you sure death did not took a toll on your brain? you did say you used Bungee Gum only on your heart and lungs..."

h: "i'm being serious, illumi!! and doesn't this solve your earlier conflict? we don't have to be friends, we'll be husbands!"

i: "do not use that tactic with me, you manipulative bastard. stop joking."

h: "this is purely beneficial for you, honestly i don't get why you just won't accept it."

i: "then humor me this first, why now?"

h: "dear illu, i've been to literal hell and back. i think it's time to leave my mark in case i fail to escape death again."

i: "was it that bad?"

h: "you'll love it there, illu~ ♥️"

h: "on a more serious note, though, i do plan to marry you. out of everyone i've encountered, you're the most eligible candidate. you're powerful, fully capable and extremely pretty to boot! you're the ideal husband!"

(blushing obviously, illumi downs the remaining whiskey in his glass) i: "death has changed you, hisoka."

h: "so?"

i: "fine."

h: "excellent!"

and in one fell swoop, illumi has a pin against the curve of hisoka's jugular, wrist held tightly by hisoka- a card matching against his own neck.

"not yet, dear husband." hisoka whispered into his ear, "we have to manage the papers first. and i've a request before you do."

they let each other go at the same time, not even breathing an unnecessary breath in the other's personal space (well, they're nearly pressed thigh to thigh anyways, what's the point of personal space anymore-)

"a condition rather than a request, really."

"what?" hisoka orders them refills, and downs his when it arrives.

"join the ryodan first."

glass already pressed on thin lips, illumi's confused hum resonates softly into the concave utensil. "why?"

"so things can get more interesting. i assume you know of the dark continent expedition that's soon to take place?"

"father has advised i take part on it, since kalluto told me the ryodan plans to rob some cliches who'll join the expedition- to look after him. you want me to join them?"

"yes, and i plan to board as well, don't fret."

illumi's eyes turn to slits, "how should i know you would be there? i can't take your word when you might just disappear when we've all boarded."

hisoka grins, wide then wider, "you should know by now illu, i plan to avenge my wounded pride. that damned chrollo didn't even fight me properly."

tilting his head, illumi stared at the man beside him, "is that not contradictory? i thought you did not mind your opponent using whatever means necessary to win?"

"magicians use tricks and misdirection to awe the audience," hisoka says almost thoughtlessly, "chrollo's a narcissistic hypnotist who used the audience as a damned shield because he knew he couldn't handle me face-to-face."

he groans, tinged in regret. "i shouldn't have picked heaven's arena, if i'd chosen a more discreet location then maybe the damage won't be this bad."

"damage?" illumi rests his chin on his palm, facing his husband.

hisoka swipes a hand over his face, and the glamour comes off. the picture he sent illumi now present in front of him. he was missing a nose, his left hand didn't have any finger left and dried blood chipped on his white skin. "oh."

with another swipe, everything's made correct again. hisoka was grinning again. he downs the remaining alcohol and leaves jenny bills under the emptied glass.

"come, lovely husband. we're to elope and legalize our union!"

illumi follows suit after downing his own glass, "i think there might be another loop hole, if you were to join the family. zoldycks do not kill family."

"so if i were to wed you, here and now, you'd think me more of a family than alluka?"

"alluka is not family."

"are those your words, illumi? or silva's?"

"i..."

"wow, you're really just as fucked up as i am."

"where do you plan to take me? i've just said i cannot kill family."

hisoka chuckles, "then you're the one to take my name, of course."

"preposterous!"

"who the hell still uses that word?"

"i am and will always be a zoldyck-"

"exactly. it's just legal papers, if you kill me then you'll just be a widow and even get your name back! see how everything'll work out in the end?"

"hisoka-"

"are you doubting your skill of assassination, my dearest husband?"

"... i better get the most expensive ring in this damned city."

"that's the spirit! now let's go get married!"

"wait, hisoka. what is your last name?"

later that night, when they leave a chapel, something gold glimmers on hisoka's bungee gum/texture surprise ring finger. a matching one around illumi's finger.

unlike hisoka, though, illumi had an extra red glimmer right under that gold, in the dead center of a silver band of intricately designed pattern. hisoka had foregone the traditional diamond in favor of a 16 carat ruby engagement ring, such a curious choice but illumi accepted it all the same...

(much later on, hisoka took both rings as collateral and reminded illumi that he would get them back even if he died bc it was in their damn prenup- and bc it was technically bought under illumis name and that's how hisoka assured illu that he'd be on that black whale,,, bc he had the rings and planned to give them back to him there)

"I thought a red gemstone was better suited for the rather bloody and murderous ending that our relationship will inevitably come to, wouldn't you agree?"

-Hisoka Morow whenever someone mentions his preference of proposal ring...

"I disagree with most of his ideals, our relationship has always had a fragile foundation, and I knew from the start that we'd eventually end up killing each other."

-Illumi Morow, nee Zoldyck when asked about his thoughts on his husband...

[goosegoblin]

Jess how the hell did u get a degree with ADHD, I'm dying (this is a little bit asking for advice but also a little bit just me feeling sorry for myself, do not stress over replying! Thanks for being a generally cool gal and writing so much about adhd in general)

I’m publishing this rather than private replying because I imagine others might have good advice- if you want me to delete it and send you the text privately, please just let me know <3

So! I hated uni! Like I really did not enjoy the vast majority of it! Granted, my ADHD was only recognised and treated in my final year- and I spent a good portion of that struggling badly with my emetophobia- but I didn’t really handle my MSc well either lmao, so I think it’s safe to say I’m the problem. I got fairly good grades and my qualifications, though, so I guess it worked out? My point is that I don’t feel I handled my ADHD well in the slightest, so I apologise that I can’t be more useful!

Still, some general advice I do have is:

- are you medicated/ in treatment? if not, make that a priority in whatever way you can

- reach out to your uni’s disability department or whatever the equivalent is and ask for an assessment to see what type of help is available to you. I got extra time on exams which wasn’t helpful in itself, but it meant that I was no longer subject to the whole ‘you cannot leave in the last thirty minutes’ rule which had previously caused me a great deal of stress. Additionally, I got to take the exam in a smaller side room that was much more casual, and I focused way better in there.

- try and do coursework/ studying in the library wherever possible. You are not a person who can work on coursework at home. I know that you will think ‘oh, but at home I can be comfy and relax, and I have my favourite playlists, and all my notes are there’- this is all true, but you are not a person who can work at home. You need the change of environment that working somewhere else forces on you to persuade your brain it is, in fact, Working Time

- don’t be afraid to ask for mitigating circumstances. I got them for both dissertations and it is the only reason I was able to hand anything in at all lmao. You will not believe how many students get them for mental health reasons- your course leaders will be super, super used to it.

- try and keep to a routine where you can? leave the house daily (hard right now, I know), eat the correct amount of Food in a day, drink water, exercise, socialise, etc. i know you know all this stuff but i feel obliged to say it anyway

- sometimes you will hear a voice saying ‘i can skip today’s lecture because it’s recorded/ i can catch up later’. that is the devil talking. you will never ‘catch up later’ and if it’s recorded on panopto or similar, you will never watch it. do not let the devil in.

- i made flashcards often using various apps (anki is popular; i used studyblue but these days they make it Very Clear they would like you to pay money for the full version) and i found them super helpful. sitting down to study is a Whole Thing, but going through flashcards while on the toilet or walking somewhere is way, way easier.

- no, you don’t need to buy another notebook.

- comparison is the thief of joy! yes, there will be people on your course who know the material inside out and backwards and talk about how they only spent nine hours in the library yesterday. who cares! that’s their life; you are living yours. also here is a secret: nobody who says they spent nine hours in the library actually did work for the entire nine hours. i promise you this.

- no, you do not need to buy more gel pens

- bring a fidget toy or similar to lectures if you can. i warned one of my lecturers in advance that i would be using it and i wish i’d done that more often bc that lady was cool as hell and it was v helpful

- i can only imagine how much rougher online learning must be making all of this. i am positive people have made good resources on how to deal with it, but just so you know, i know a lot of ADHD ppl really struggling with it. i don’t say this to freak you out, but more to let you know if you feel the same way, it is not your fault and you are not alone

i don’t know your course, but if it’s one where you can reasonably just opt to not learn certain things, that... is not always the worst idea. like, the way my final year exams worked is that we got given a series of essay questions and we picked 3 to write responses to. this meant there were entire areas of the course i could simply opt out of. obviously this is not the ideal way to do things, but if you’re running out of time and this one area of the course is just making you fuckin suicidal to think about, then deciding to just rule it out can work.

(shoutout to my first year biochem course when not a single person picked the microbiology question and our course leader posted a pissy forum message about it god bless)

anyway this is long and probably not helpful, but i love you and i am sorry you are struggling. i struggled too! people who say uni was the best time of their life are generally not dealing with the type of thing we deal with, and that’s okay. it’s okay for uni to not be the best time of your life. it’s okay to struggle. it doesn’t mean you can’t do well or that you don’t deserve to be there. hang in there, my friend, and message me any time- i am always happy to listen or help in any way i can xxxxxx

[homosociallyyours]

Snippet Smonday

Hello I have been tagged by a lot of very lovely people to share a snippet over the course of the last. uh. several months. And I've not done it for no particular reason other than ??? brain said it too hard

ANYWAY I'm sharing two now! HA! One is from my BHFF fic and the other is from one of the reverse bangs I'm writing for @becomeawendybird's art

below a cut because it'll be long!!

My BHFF fic is about a chronically ill Harry who doesn't think he could possibly be a good enough partner to anyone and Louis proving him wrong forever, and it's very close to my heart.

He nearly deleted the message as he read it over, the whole thing coming across as far more open and vulnerable than he usually felt like being, especially with someone he’d only just met. But something told him that if he wanted to move forward with Harry he might need to give a little more of himself than he was used to. He hit send and put his phone in his desk drawer so that he could focus for the rest of his planning period.

He didn’t come back to it until a few hours later at the end of the day. His mind was still on his Shakespearean drama class and the modern adaptation of Much Ado About Nothing that they were working on, so he almost didn’t think to check for new messages, but when he saw that there was something from Harry he quickly entered his passcode to unlock the screen, eager to read Harry’s response.

Harry: It’s nice you think I’m worth waiting for. Can you check back in a week? Might be up for something then.

Louis: Yeah, absolutely! Can we text a bit in the meantime?

The hope and warmth that bubbled up in Louis’ chest had him feeling bouncy and full of energy, so much so that when his phone buzzed in his hand to indicate a new message he nearly dropped it.

Harry: I’d like that :)

And then here's a bit from one of the girl direction reverse bangs I'm working on, an AU where Harry is a writer/cast member for SNL and Louis is the guest/musical host who she has a massive crush on.

“So? Spill it! What are you dying to tell me?”

“We’re having a duel host slash musical guest at the end of next month-- someone reaaaaally special.” His eyebrows twitched up, daring Harry to guess, and she stared back at him, trying to come up with someone who’d be exciting enough to merit this level of excitement.

“Lizzo?”

He shook his head.

“Uhh, oh! Sarah Pau-- no, she doesn’t sing. Shit!” Harry wracked her brain trying to think of queer women she loved who could act and sing. She was about to give up when it hit her. “Oh my god. Oh. My. God. It’s not--”

Bowen grinned, eyes sparkling with glee as he nodded vigorously.

“The. Louis. Tomlinson,” they said in unison, Harry squealing when she was done and Bowen breaking out into a delighted cackle that had a couple of people walking by stopping to look at them curiously before they kept moving, used to Harry and Bowen having moments like these.

I'm not finding as much time to write as I need lately but boy am I making an effort!! ANYWAY idk who to tag in this, but I'll definitely tag back @jacaranda-bloom and @kingsofeverything bc they tagged me recently. Also @disgruntledkittenface, @local-troubled-writer, @peggyschuylerbasically, @pocketsunshineharry, and, uh, damn it anyone who actually looked at this post?? Just spent too many brain tokens writing and don't have a single one left for remembering names.

[f-117-nighthawk]

Playlist Update? From MY Brain? More Likely Than You Think

can't remember the last time I posted these all together but I just put a few new songs in. I've been playing Arknights bc STARSET songs keep being used in the trailers, and then I was listening to Transmissions while making dinner, and uhhhhh there's two new Transmissions songs on the playlists, plus whatever else the spotify links needed to update to my ever-changing apple versions.

This is just the main playlist, because this one is now 3h 40m, and the other three playlists are about an hour each. I’ll give them their own post tomorrow. Under the cut, because it's also Write Random Snippits and Include Important Lyrics time

Dark Matter

Surprise surprise, this one’s got probably the most work done on it. A lot of that is moving things around, a few deletions, and the additions.

DM now starts with Your World Will Fail, Dark Matter, and Eater of Worlds. Turn the Lights Out still kinda applies, but I stopped vibing with it starting everything, and wasn’t really sure where else it should go so it got dropped. It’s role is sort of picked up by a UtA song later? Anyway, the opening three are still very much about not only the birth of [REDACTED], but the birth of the universe itself. And that’s why it feels better to start out with YWWF. Because it is the start.

(Your world will fail my love/It’s far beyond repair/Your world will fail my love/It is already there)

(Bring me your soul/Bring me your hate/In my name you will create/Bring me your fear/Bring me your pain/You will destroy in my name)

(Can’t imagine the violence/The rage and the love in my madness/I am the eater of worlds and I’m looking for someone to feed me)

Remnants of Stars is a hook to Filaments at this point, but stays way up here because the thing it’s about connects back up to those three ^ and is something slowly realized by the Paladins throughout the series. There’s kinda three different points that they realize something new about this (at the moment, I Am the One, Cosmic Vertigo, and Centigrade).

(Shed all you know and make way for a galaxy of light/Answers found hidden inside the smallest stone/Bringing forth a new way of life/Open your heart to the sky)

Apocalypse 1992 hasn’t changed. Still about The Fall, still the turning point for the entire damn war. Still about poor Krolia. Still the Rogue One of DM. It happens between parts of Awakenings, detailing the rise of [REDACTED] and the final hours before the destruction of everything sentient species knew beforehand.

(Fly high through apocalypse skies/Fight for the world we must save/Like tears of a unicorn lost in the rain/Chaos will triumph this day)

Apex is the final moments of Apocalypse 1992 from the Red Lion’s perspective, and connects nicely (just as in the albums lol) to the next UtA songs. Which we’ll get to in a bit.

(Brother mountain/Now we sleep/For a thousand years/I will see you again/Something is coming/Coming for me)

You Keep What You Kill covers the slow degeneration of the Empire between The Fall and the Battle of Arus. The knowledge harshly taught by the Thuanial War is forgotten under the influence of Zarkon, Haggar, and [REDACTED]. Marzin and Galraasa quickly rise the ranks as the Empire’s left and right hands, like omens of destruction before them. The four are the ‘holy half-dead,’ the ones who shape the devouring of the universe before them.

(Defying dimensions/These ruthless creatures will steal your soul/Breaking away from the chains of mortality/They won’t be taken down/Bow now to the holy half dead/The master to death mongers calls)

The Glory and the Scum is partially here bc I missed having Delain, I’ll freely admit that. (Delain split up! Like six months ago! I’m still sad!) Here, it’s (most) of the reason why Krolia isn’t around until MGHM. Think Winter Soldier-ish. It’s also from Krolia’s perspective as she’s talking to Kolivan in a conversation I implied in Shatterpoint. Perhaps it shall see the light of day.

(Look at what we've done/Take a step back/Shake your head at what we have become/We're the glory and the scum)

The Seven Sisters is about Keith, mostly, and connected to Closure via its influence on Child From the Stars (Lost in the Dark) and also to Memories of a Girl I Haven’t Met. Also the thing about the Pleiades has kinda become A Thing associated with my two favorite halfbloods.

(I cast my hope upon The Pleiades/The Seven Sisters who would come for me/They’d fall to Earth to grant a child’s dream/But I’m still waiting)

Starlight is the Adashi song. Here, it’s the sad part, based around the time that the SFSS Genesis launches for Kerberos. It also is sort of about Shiro’s thoughts throughout the war as he watches ‘from distant skies’ (and influences String Theory kinda)

(At night the earth will rise/And I’ll think of you each time I watch from distant skies/Whenever stars go down and galaxies ignite/I’ll think of you each time they wash me in their light/And I’ll fall in love with you again)

Waking Dream and Abyss are Awakenings. They’re specifically the Red Lion waking up on Sendak’s ship to her new Paladin, but also sort of the rest of the Lions as they find new Paladins for the first time since The Fall (and, also, an accidental hook to the end of Filaments just by virtue of being on the same UtA album…)

(Centuries like flowing streams as years go rushing by/Waiting in the dark for afterlife)

(Open my eyes in a daze/How long has it been? Am I so out of place?/Warmth I can no longer feel/My mountain is gone, I’m surrounded by steel/The strangest of structures arises ahead/Seems to be held up by nothing/Where have I gone, do I dream?/How can the stars be all I can see?)

Who Will Save You Now is about the Paladins in First Contact. It’s the video messages they send to their families, the warning that Something Is Out Here that they need to prepare for. It’s a declaration of protection for Earth, but a recognition that the Paladins may not be able to do what they say.

(I will not take from you and you will not owe/I will protect you from the fire below/It’s not in my mind/It’s here at my side/Go tell the world that I’m still alive)

Then there’s The End of the Beginning. Which is, well, the eponymous fic. And don’t forget the String Theory connection! Fun fact: part of the last chapter leads directly into part of String Theory at the moment.

(Every night I die just a little/All this time, I’m caught in the middle/All your life, you fought with no winning/This is just the end of the beginning)

A Simple Plan is about anything but a simple plan. Lotor is making his secret bid for the construction of the Sinkline ships, but there’s one more thing he needs before it can come to fruition. Haggar has suspicions, and knows one thing that she needs to keep from both him and Voltron. Team Voltron is still struggling to fit into their new roles, especially with a Black Paladin who adamantly does not want to be Black Paladin, and is in desperate need of one thing to fix the last of the damage done during the Battle of the Sarnan Nebula.

(How long can we hold off ending?/How long can we pretend we’re ok?/No one goes on fighting it forever/I know I’m better this way)

Memories of a Girl I Haven’t Met. Such a short song for such an important fic. It skips all the way over Naxzela to the Mission to the Baaria Shipyards, the first major offensive that isn’t somehow connected to canon (even if only a very very small part of it is actually at the shipyards lol). This is also the song that solidified Keith’s very queer identity in Dark Matter. And more Pleiades stuff!

(In this lonely place, bathed in silence and thoughts of you/I can’t see your face but I’m trying to envision you/So are you really out there? Are you awake with memories/Of a boy you haven’t met yet who’s wished upon the Pleiades?)

There’s another fic in here that I’m still waiting for a song to catch my ear, but it’s pretty big so I’m putting it in here. For the moment, it’s called MGHM 2.0: Electric Paladinloo. Featuring the Whispers, Voltron, and a few mullets.

And then. Hoh boy. The beast of beats. TRIALS (reimagine), Dark On Me, String Theory, and I Am the One. We’ve got [REDACTED], we’ve got [spoiler], we’ve got the first major turning point in the entire war, and the first revelation of the true nature of [REDACTED]. Hence the honor of being the separation point of my two main DM folders. TRIALS is the first part, the horrifying realization. Dark On Me and String Theory itself are from Shiro’s perspective. I Am the One is… an image song? I guess? That’s all I’ll say on that. (I would like to note that the STARSET songs bar OWtT tend to be about the Shiroganes…)

(Hear me from the bottom/Forged in regret, I'm the silversmith/Doomsday, you we had it coming/Marching the streets with an iron fist/Obey no more in silence/The steel in our hearts will be monuments/Today, they'll hear the violence/We'll rise from the dark like Lazarus)

(You're the cause/The antidote/The sinking ship that I could not let go/You led my way, then disappeared/How could you just walk away and leave me here?/Light the night up, you're my dark star/And now you're falling away)

(You don’t believe in space/You don’t believe in light/You don’t believe that anything is well beyond your might/We walk across the sky and beneath the ocean floor/We’re never going anywhere we’ve never been before)

(I am the one/I am the architect to rule your fate)

House on Fire is the aftermath of String Theory, and a large vibe of We ARE Struggling Together! It’s about family, never letting go of something you care about, and the slow act of trusting.

(So I’ll just hold you like a hand grenade/You touch me like a razor blade/I wish there was some other way right now/Like a house on fire we’re up in flames/I’d burn here if that’s what it takes/To let you know I won’t let go of you)

Belgrade is The klance song! It is a) a bop b) always stuck in my head because it is That Good. The line in the chorus about ‘sweet songs of seduction’ is eternally funny to me bc a)they’re both ace and b)QPR’s don’t usually involve seduction. Belgrade also leads almost directly into…

(We pretend in the darkness/We pretend the night won’t steal our youth/Singing me the sweet songs of seduction/Let me be the fool, fool, fool/Who will live and die for you)

Here to Save You is about Sam. Mostly. It’s also about Pidge. And Zaivorge cannons.

(A slave for humankind/I made sure I would survive/To stay alive/Now it’s time to move on/When there’s nothing left to prove/I’m coming to get you)

Iron is the third Closure fic (the second is End of the Beginning, forgot to mention that. They’ve slowly moved away from actually being related to it in anything but name and general idea). It’s about Keith coming to terms with parts of himself, and learning how to use them to great effect. Also has a huge info dump about the Blade.

(You can’t live without the fire/It’s the heat that makes you strong/‘Cause you’re born to live/And fight it all the way/You can’t hide what lies inside you/It’s the only thing you know/You’re embracing that, never walk away)

The second major turning point in the war is Monarch, Birthright, and Firewall. I really recommend reading the whole lyrics for Monarch, because the entire thing is very much a Lotor song. I had a bit of trouble picking a lyric to use here. Monarch is here because Lotor is also the ‘singer’ of Birthright, and both songs are to a very specific high-level target of the Coalition. Firewall is a little different as it’s a Team Voltron song not a Lotor song, but happens because of the same thing the other two do. They’re all not exactly a direct result of Iron, but they wouldn’t happen how they do without it, and then [REDACTED] swings back into the fray and things learned in String Theory/the framing story for Through Apocalypse Skies hit in full force.

(I am not the person you remember from before/The one you patronized and stepped on, the one you hurt/And I have pulled the arrows, now my skin has become stone/No longer am I prisoner to your empty fucking words)

(The voices in my head have all begun to sing/(The voices in your head have all begun to sing)/And they sure as hell hope I am listening/(I sure as hell hope you are listening!))

(They come to your dreams with illusion/They come to bring shape to your mind/You know how to stop the intrusion/We all have to fight for our lives)

and then, The Day the Earth Collapsed

(How much time has been elapsed/Since the day the earth collapsed?)

Here Comes the Reign doesn’t come into full effect until several months after Birthright/Firewall, but starts with The Day the Earth Collapsed. It’s largely about Haggar and [REDACTED]

(You made something they can’t take away/Now bring the fire of the burning sun on everyone)

Supersonic is here… kinda as a placeholder? Things have shifted around since its original purpose, and frankly it’s here still as a framework for what I like to call The Meme Battle. It’s generally about the increase in Coalition support and general winning as they go after warlords in the aftermath of Feyiv, culminating in I Need a Hero which is, of course, The Meme Battle.

Yes, it’s the Shrek version. It’s the Meme Battle.

(Supersonic, polyphonic, this is our war/Mustering the armies, marching faster than before)

(I need a hero/I'm holding out for a hero 'til the end of the night/He's gotta be strong, and he's gotta be fast/And he's gotta be fresh from the fight)

But Tonight We Dance isn’t exactly a klance song, but it’s here for them. On a diplomatic mission gone wrong, the Red and Blue Paladins of Voltron uncover a literally-buried government conspiracy, a rebel cell, and nearly die. A normal days work for the two of them. But they’ve really gotta stop having relationship milestones in the middle of a warzone.

Another reason it’s here is Tonight We Dance is a very aro song to me. “A language universal, but I speak not its tongue” hits hard. I felt like I needed a bit in here to remind listeners/readers that romance isn’t a language Keith speaks. And it becomes very explicit in this fic, just like Belgrade.

(Tomorrow we might wake in servitude and silence/I will give you everything if only you would have me/Tomorrow we will sweat and toil/Our hands will quiver, caked with soil/Tomorrow we'll give it one last chance/But tonight we dance/But tonight we dance!)

But Tonight We Dance is the last of the Closure fics, which is why it’s here. Closure in general is a lot of Keith’s character development and some of the struggles he goes through to accept his place in the universe and the fact that yes, he does have people that care about him. The last fic is me shining a brighter light on Closure’s chorus and taking a ‘last goodbye’ as never needing to say it again

(I am the child from the stars/That got lost in the dark/Between heaven and hell/I am forced to live on/I am the cause when you sin/I am the demon you skin/But there is no more tears to beautify/This is my last goodbye)

Then we step back into the universe-level action with Soulbound. Revelations from String Theory and Firewall swing back in with a vengeance on a joint Whispers-Voltron mission, leaving them reeling and Krolia questioning her very identity.

(Soulbound, endlessly forever/Locked between the darkness and the light/Don’t drown in the swarming, blackened rising/Hold on to humanity and fight)

About three months after that is My Darkest Hour and Faster Than Light. Haggar realizes something and goes searching for her fifth [spoiler], sending the Blade and the rest of the Coalition scrambling. These also lead directly, and I mean directly, into…

(When the sun comes crashing down/When the world is spinning round and round/I will face what must be my darkest hour)

(Once more we’re flying fast as light/Dark matter passing in the night/Pursued by a force we can’t outrun/As we hurtle towards a dying sun/We maneuver through the remnants of a moon/On the solar winds of supernovas/There is not a place to hide, the Matriarch is close behind/It’s plain to see she’s coming for us all)

Cosmic Vertigo and Other Worlds Than These. Together they are the second of two revelations in what, exactly, is [REDACTED]

(Banish me like burned down planets/Write my fate with sparkling lies/I am the universe; you're just one sky)

(Pull the wool out from your eyes/It won’t shade your frail belief/In the end we cannot hide/There are other worlds than these)

Godhunter is Team Voltron, well, hunting for gods, even as one of them disappears.

(She’s been watching for a century/With hatred, and with scorn/If you know the hunter’s coming/Then you hide or keep on running/'Cause she’s slain the gods before)

Trophy Hunter, Ember, and Redemption are the culmination of Godhunter. I’ve been thinking of them as akin to the suicide mission in Mass Effect 2, if that gives you an idea of what the hell they run into. Also I switched which specific Redemption is on the playlist, because I was listening to Red Handed Denial again and their Redemption was vibing way more than the Hammerfall one. They link up to Godhunter and Soulbound in subject matter, and lead directly into…

(You, you won’t escape me, I’ll rise from the deep/In this final moment, no words left to say/I can’t let you be when a life fades away/You, you won’t escape me ‘cause I’ll set you free)

(Dark matter falling from the sky/Dancing flames reflecting in your eyes as you watch them burn/Watching all your riches witches burn)

(Remember me not for the mess I’ve made/But who I could have been/Finally I’m going home)

World On Fire, This is a Call, The Reckoning, The Wind That Shapes the Land, and Louder Than Words. Switched the order up a bit so it makes more sense chronologically, because the message ‘sent by forces beyond salvation’ has to get there before the reckoning can begin.

(World on fire with a smoking sun/Stops everything and everyone/Brace yourself for all will pay/Help is on the way)

(This is a call to action/This is a call to arms/All lives for one, together/There are no false alarms)

(I see your face, find peace of mind/Between the madness and the sadness and the fire burning/The end of war, the great divine/We’ll see the day of reckoning)

(Search within/Uncover the will to win/Turn against the tide that washes o'er/Find the strength to fall and rise again/Open up the gates, unleash the force/I am the wind that shapes the land/Old as time and twice as strong/Oceans arise at my command/I alone can carry on)

(We have the force to fight/We have the blinding light/A war is more than heard/Coming in louder than words)

[battlecries-dear]

AN: sorry if u guys already saw this!! I posted it a few minutes ago and accidentally deleted it because my brain doesn’t work :/

Prompt: Jaskier's songs about Geralt are super popular in a small village they pass through, and all the children swarm Geralt wanting to hear about the monsters he slays. so Geralt reluctantly does so bc he's a big softie for kids. meanwhile, Jaskier is having an internal crisis bc its just way too adorable.

Jaskier wasn't planning to ever return to the small farming village, but it was on their path to Kaer Morhen, and he wasn't about to miss out on that opportunity. Jaskier had always been filled with an overwhelming wanderlust, and didn't stay put for too long, however, after the mountain incident, he found himself wanting nothing more than to just hole up in an off the map town somewhere, write legends about monster hunters, and be a bard, not Geralt's bard, just him, on his own. The irony that most of the songs he performed were about his adventures with Geralt was not lost on him, but still, he'd put that all behind him.

So, no, Jaskier didn't plan on returning to the no-name town where he spent far too many weeks sad and unmotivated, never performing anything new, fearing he would never leave, and die barely a footnote in the history books, but he did leave, and then Geralt found him, and he apologized, he explained, he promised to be better, so they traveled, and they fell back into familiar habits, and Jaskier let himself fall back into a quiet sort of love he couldn't escape even if he wanted to.

But that's unimportant, Jaskier spent more time in this town then he had anywhere since he left home at the tender age of 15, he recognized their surroundings as they approached the town, he saw the dawning familiarity in the eyes of the old man tending to the outskirt fields, and already, Jaskier felt too known.

To Geralt's surprise, Jaskier took the lead through the sparsely populated street, and led them to the towns only inn, and with a friendly greeting to the barmaid, Meredith, and a quick exchange of coin, they were holed up in a small room above the towns only tavern.

"Been here before?" Geralt asked, divulging himself of his bags

"Yeah, a while back." not totally a lie at least, Jaskier thought

"Hm, well, I need a drink, join me at the bar?" Geralt look satisfied enough with his answer

“No thanks, we were on the road for far too long without a bed, I could use a nap," truth is Jaskier couldn't deal with seeing to the butcher's twins, who must be, wow, who must be seven years old now, and he didn't want to think about the old spinster who came every day to see him perform, and had come down with something terrible before he left, or the mayor's son, and how he always looked at him with something in his eye too hungry to be simply friendship, he didn't want to be faced with things changing, moving on without him.

"here, and tell Meredith at the bar that I'll be down to perform later, she might give you a discount on your ale," Jaskier paused for a moment, and handed Geralt a pouch of coins before gracelessly flopping back onto the bed.

Jaskier busied himself in his notebook, and reorganized Geralt's bags, and restrung his lute, and did each and every menial task he had been putting off just to busy himself, Geralt had been gone for too long though, and it was only an hour or two off from sundown. finally allowing his worry to overtake his dread at facing any of the people, his friends, who he left without a word of goodbye. He decided to look for him.

He reluctantly made his way down the narrow staircase and saw more people than he was used to seeing in the tavern, Meredith noticed his presence and his confusion and gestured to Geralt, sat in what was once Jaskiers favorite corner booth. Jaskier was surprised to see Meredith's little sister, probably on her 12th winter by now, the butcher's twins, and three more children he recognized but was less familiar with, all sat at the booth with Geralt, Meredith just laughed and gestured him over.

"You sang so many songs about him that when you came Esbith recognized him right away, and went off to get her friends, they've been asking him questions about witchering for the past two hours, they've been asking him questions about you,"

"I... I've missed you, Meredith," and he did, though getting to know her in the first place was a regret of his, but the self-loathing could wait for another time, as there was something far more interesting happening in the corner booth

"I've missed you too you old crone, now, what's the deal with the witcher? not all of your songs were jaunty adventure tunes, I heard all of em, the heartbroken ones too Jask," she sounded accusatory while leaning across the bar into Jaskier's space

"After I left," he looked into her eyes and tried to convey whatever apology he could for leaving so abruptly, and took a breath, "shortly after I left he came to find me, it was a terribly romantic thing, we've been traveling together again,"

"romantic thing huh?" she seemed interested now, and raised her eyebrows at him,

"Oh not like that you witch, it was just more dramatic than I know him to be, and if I were a lesser man, I'd have confessed my feelings then and there, but you and I both know I'm a great man,"

"I'm holed up in this tavern all day and you don't have anything for me?" It was almost frightening how quickly they had slipped back into their dynamic, Jaskier entertaining her with tales from outside her provincial town and her always asking for more.

"Unfortunately no, he's kinder to me than he was before, but nothing that speaks of a dramatic longing for me," he replied, a bit too dramatically

"Have you asked?" That's another thing that hadn't changed, her unrelenting snark.

"I'm usually quite aware of these things Meredith,"

"Hmm, like how you flirted with me for a week until I introduced you to Rosine," oh god, Jaskier had made some truly terrible calls by way of romance before, but he thinks he had never barked up such a wrong tree so thoroughly.

"That was different!" he nearly shouted "I was in a very bad place!"

"He's looking over here," she pointed out with a tilt of her head, "Cmon go, he looks like a lost puppy,"

And he did a little bit, Esbith was braiding his hair, and one of the twins, Saidbh he thought, was pulling his sword out of Geralts sheath, and he was looking up at him with a silent pleading look in his eyes. With a parting insult to Meredith, he made his way across the floor.

"Esbith, my darling, how I've missed you,"

The young girl turned around in a flash and gasped loudly "Jaskier! Mary said you were here but I wasn't allowed to bother you,"

"Sorry dear, I've just spent so long traveling that I needed a bit of a rest, I'm glad you've been keeping my witcher here company"

She looked between Geralt and Jaskier, and leaned in to stage whisper in his ear, "mister Geralt is just like you described him to be," and then turned her attention back to braiding his hair,

after the brief aside, the other twin, Edin, maybe, waved her hand in front of Geralt's face, "Mister witcher you have to finish telling the story!" and Geralt's whole self softened for a moment before he launched back into what Jaskier recognized to be their last run-in with a siren. He noticed that Geralt was embellishing the story a bit. And he looked excited, even, to be entertaining his audience. Jaskier thought it was precious. Geralt rarely allowed himself to relax, especially in the presence of unknown townspeople, but over the years Jaskier had taken note of the soft place he held in his heart for children, he asked him about it once and Geralt told him it was because children were always more curious than afraid, that no one is born with hatred or fear, Jaskier also suspected it had something to do with the witcher being unable to have any children of his own.

It was truly a sight though, and seeing Geralt look even a little bit relaxed in a tavern in an unknown town, a place where he's usually so guarded, brought a feeling of warm fondness that calmed Jaskiers tender heart, even if Geralt didn't love Jaskier in the way he wanted him to, he was still Jaskiers best friend, and seeing him happy, entertaining children and being comfortable and happy, brought Jaskier so much joy.

[cutebootybabe]

If he wanted to, he would.

Possibly a thread- by yours truly.

I’ve been single for over a year- looking for ~something~ (not a relationship but more like, a friends with extremely light benefits) and I just wasn’t finding what I was looking for. However, two weeks ago I updated my tinder profile (though I ended up deleting the app after an hour bc I literally hate it) and I added my Snapchat in my bio and received a friend request at 4:30am and accepted. Why? I was lonely and bored. But here’s why I think it could’ve been the best decision I made for where I am in my life right now.

He snap chatted me at 4:30am and we chatted for a while before he said, “Hey I just got done eating ihop, do you want any of my leftovers?” Weird right? Me being who I am, I was like hell yeah. At this point it’s like 5-6am and he loves thirty minutes away. He just shows up to my apartment at 6am with leftover breakfast and we sat in his car and got to know each other and listened to some music before we went our separate ways and honestly, I thought that’d be the end of that. But boy, I was wrong. And am I glad I was.

Over the course of the next few days- we hung out a few more times. He came to see me, we drive around and listen to music, get to know each other more. You know- the usual. (I should state that I don’t invite men to my apartment so I just feel safer driving around with him.) I remember him buying me coffee a few times. I asked for a small and he got me a large, I thought that was cute. (There’s one example but wait, there’s more.)

The other day I was coming down from two very bad days and decided I needed a mental health day and so voiced that to him. Just kind of told him, you know, “I’m going to light some candles and lay down. I might wash my face.” You know, self care shit (I guess.) And he reminded me to eat (important because I do not eat often because I simply forget.) and he also asked if we could hang out later and I said, sure maybe for a couple hours you know? Anyways, the time comes for him to come hang out and the first thing he does and take me for a large coffee🥰🥰🥰 and we park the car and we’re just doing our thing, hanging out and talking and all of a sudden he says, “Close your eyes I got you something.” And I’m like omG🥺😭 THIS MAAAN. 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 He handed me a gift wrapped in yellow wrapping paper(my favorite color.) Inside was a pack of 50 tea light candles (I use them for my baths), three 3-wick scented candles in some of my favorite scents, my favorite alcohol to help me unwind and a journal I had mentioned I had liked to do the prompts in. So I’m sitting there like 🥺🥰😍☺️ And he says, “I know you had a bad couple of days and self care is really important but you also deserve to be taken care of.” 🥺🥰💕 Needless to say, I spent the night with him that night and here’s the best part- I am not pressured into sex and it was strictly a “cuddle-buddy” type thing. Example #2- if he wanted to, he would.

This morning it’ll be roughly 2 weeks of us hanging out, he got me the gift a few days ago and last night I got dRuNk and kind of went on a manic-high episode to just spiraling big timeee. And I called him at 5:00 as I’m sobering up and I’m just telling him how I just don’t understand why my brain is the way it is and how the littlest of things set me off and how I was just so hungry but can’t eat. And he literally sent me $20, drove 30 minutes down here, took me to a breakfast place at 7:00am and we had a little breakfast date, we sat in his car/drove around for a few hours and when I told him I should go home to get some sleep, he stopped at the grocery store and bought me something to put in my fridge for lunch AND dinner. IF HE WANTED TO, HE WOULD.

I am so blessed. I think this “relationship” is going to work out. I’m hoping I’m not speaking too soon. And I hope I have things to add soon.💛

[momentofmemory]

it’s almost the end of october, which means one of the greatest, most terrifying exploits known to writers is upon us: NaNoWriMo.

there are plenty of super good survival posts out there, but as this’ll be my seventh time participating (six wins, hoping for a seventh), i thought i’d drop my own set of tips into the mix. i’m going to focus mostly on the practical details of how to write; if you want tips on the writing itself either search the writing/reference tags or pester me to do another one later :P with that said, ~on with the post~

Step One: Figure Out Your Goal

i know, i know, obviously it’s to write 50k, but what does that mean to you? are you expecting

polished prose, ready to send off to a publisher?

being able to write every day? 

just throwing up a bunch of ideas?

a mix of everything?

all of these are valid, but they’re going to require different approaches. if you want jaw-dropping writing, you’re going to need in the ballpark of five or more hours each day, if not more. if you want consistency, you’ll want to look at your normal schedule and set up a couple times you know you can write at. if just you want words, pretty much all you need to make sure is that you squeeze writing time in whenever.

your goal will probably change as the month progresses, and that’s totally fine. just check in every so often to remember a)what you’re working for and b)if it’s actually plausible. speaking of...

Step Two: Realize Your Limitations

1. Typing.

imma get super practical here: your typing speed dictates how fast you can get done. if you write 40wpm (the average), you cannot write the full 1667 in a half hour any more than you can run a mile in under three minutes. it’s honestly not a bad idea to check out your own speed, if only to help you understand yourself better. in my experience, actual writing then works like this (using my max speed, 89, as an example):

Absolute Max: 89 wpm (baseline)

Warring: 70 (75% of baseline)

In the zone: 45 (50% of baseline)

Taking my time, concentrated: 22 (25% of baseline)

anything lower than your max/4 probably means you’re spending a lot of time either researching or staring at the page, so just be aware of that.

2. Time & Focus

this kinda goes without saying, but best case scenario this is at least 1-2 hours of your life a day, or dedicating full Saturday/Sundays if you’re a weekend warrior kind of person. it’s so, so worth it if you can make time for it, but also don’t feel bad if you can’t! doing a half nano (25k) or whatever you want is also a fully acceptable plan.

that said, if you do have time, figure out your focus too. if you’ve never been the kind of person that can type for six hours straight, you will probably not magically become this person when it hits Nov. 1 (though with practice, you might be by Nov. 30). i like trying to write at least 300 before work and another 300 during lunch. that way there’s only 1k left for the evening, and having words on the page just makes me feel better. experiment with different ways of blocking out your time in the first few days and see what works best for you.

3. Don’t Forget You Live in a Body

writing is hard work, you will need to eat brain food! hunching over wrecks your back, stand up and stretch every so often! you will hate existing if you forgo sleep for days! and for the love of charles dickens, patron saint of getting paid by the word, take care of your mother-effing wrists!!

seriously on that last one. i’ve ignored it in the past and thoroughly screwed up my wrists one year; don’t be me. keep in them in a neutral position, do regular stretches, and if you need to, get wrist wraps (i recommend these).

Step Three: Actually Doing the Thing

the previous steps have had pretty broad advice, but now it’s time to get down to the nitty-gritty. these are mostly things i know work for me, and therefore may not for you—adjust to your own needs!

1. Write for 15 Minutes Every Day, Non-Negotiable.

i don’t even mean this is a “write 15 min and then your brain will be tricked into writing more” kinda way, but like, literally. you’re probably not going to be able to do 1667 every day—sometimes you’ll be tired and just won’t have the time. you’re very likely, however, to have 15 minutes, and you’ll want to use them. Doesn’t matter if you write 50 words or 500 in that time, at least you’ll have done something, and that’s usually enough to keep you from feeling like just giving up the next day.

2. You Might Need Physical Spaces

i’m a pretty sensory person when it comes to writing, and having a dedicated writing space is so helpful for me. going back to the idea of being an embodied person, it’s a lot easier to get your brain into a writing mode if your body’s already there. some good options include:

coffee shops (cozy! food!)

a specific room in your home (easily accessed! do what you want!)

libraries (free! quiet!)

a friend’s house (writing buddy! easy access to sounding board!)

all of these places usually have access to wifi, which is a positive.

3. You Definitely Need Digital Spaces

i pretty much always write in the same processor, once again because it helps set the mood. the main options include:

google drive (solid choice, cloud backup, mobile accessible)

dabble writer (cloud backup, links to nano, dark mode, chapter options)

write or die (only for actual writing—a scary but effective motivator; save elsewhere)

word/pages/etc. (ready to go on your computer, formatting options)

scrivener (great plotting tools, detailed interface)

i use dabble writer myself (they’re a nano sponsor, so you can get it free for this month, and as a double bonus you get it half off for the rest of the year if you win). and no, i’m not getting paid to wax poetic about them, but honestly i’ve used it to win the past two years and i adore it. 

anyway my biggest tip here is that i SUPER SUPER DON’T RECOMMEND NON-CLOUD OPTIONS. it’s very risky, but if you must, do a proper back up at least once a week. that shiz is not worth it.

4. The Timer is Your New Best Friend

because i’ve heard this argument before: no, it’s not a crutch, and no, it’s not cheating. it’s literally best practices. i’m personally a big fan of this online timer, and i let it run for 15 min every time i write. after each session i check how many words i wrote, then after maybe a quick 1-2 min break, start over.

you can totally set the timer for longer or shorter periods, depending on what works for you. i’m a fan of the 15 min sessions bc it’s just long enough to get a bit of flow going, and just short enough that i can convince my spacy brain that we can get through it without wandering. it’s also a fantastic length for warring, if you’re down for that.

5. Write That Idea Down for Lewis’s Sake

the original idea for the chronicles of narnia came to c.s. lewis when he was at a restaurant, and thank the lord, he wrote it down on a napkin. he wouldn’t write it until some time later, but if he hadn’t written it down, he might’ve forgotten it. why is this important, you ask?

BC YOU WILL FORGET THINGS.

if you have an idea, write it down in your phone or your notebook or the waterproof paper in your shower, because i don’t care how sure you are that you’ll remember it, you super won’t. i’ve forgotten many solutions to plot holes in my time and i still hold vigils over their graves. don’t be me. write it down.

Step Four: Managing that Inner Critic of Yours

all right, pay attention. i’m not going to tell you not to edit, because i would be a massive hypocrite if i did. i totally edit during nano. the important part is letting your editor help you win, not hurt you. and that means gaming your critic’s system.

1. Have a Dedicated Deletion Section

many people hear “don’t delete anything” and baulk, because for some of us it’s distracting and we want to rewrite that section until it matches our vision. so, i’m here to tell you: delete it!! rewrite entire chapters!! just save the original content as part of your word count. this is another reason i love dabble, bc at the start of nano i just make a separate part of the book, label it “delete”, and any time i’m writing and dislike a sentence/paragraph i just dump it into that folder and move on. this way you still get to keep the numbers (and why shouldn’t you? you wrote them!) while also writing words you actually like. plus, sometimes that line you deleted in ch. 1 winds up being supremely pertinent in ch.15, and now you can just copy/paste it instead of having to try to remember what exactly you’d said.

2. Acknowledge Ranting as a Time Honoured Tradition

think there’s no precedent for that 2K diatribe you wrote on the london underground? well fear not, because you can’t possibly do worse than hugo’s entire chapters worth of content on the french sewer system! or melville’s frankly terrifying obsession with the finer features of whale biology!

like, yeah, maybe you’ll decide later you don’t need it, but for now, embrace that soap box. dead white guys have been doing it for centuries and still get places in college syllabi. the least you can do is give it a place in your word count.

Step Five: Have Fun!

i know, i know, it’s cliche, but seriously. if this isn’t fun, or at least rewarding, why are you doing it anyway? so enjoy it! send passages you’re proud of to your friends! daydream about it in the car on the way to work/school! cry over a notebook about the twist you just came up with! nano’s a time of fun and exploration, and you shouldn’t miss out on it because you’re thinking too much.

also, this might be counter productive to put at the end of an essay on nano, but don’t obsess over reading essays on nano :P there comes a time when one must simply do, and nano is pretty much the definition of that.

[aethelflaedladyofmercia]

My WIPs: Ranting About the State of my Writing

Hey, all. This started as a WIP update on my fic “Aftermath” and kind of turned into a rant about how frustrated I am that I don’t have time to write properly. Sorry about that. I’ve put most of it below the cut, so feel free to skip. Normally, I would just delete the post as being irrelevant, but honestly I have a lot of feels all jumbled up in my brain right now, and I need to dig some out and send them into the world. So here it is, a post born of pure frustration.

I’ve mentioned "Aftermath” a few times, but I figured I’d give you all an update, and also an explanation as to what’s going on with this fic, which was supposed to be the next big historical story in my series, “Sawdust of Words.”

Now, you may recall that I spent a long time working on a truly mind-boggling angst-fest known as “What it Means to Be A Demon.” About 3/4 of the way through, I really needed a break to work on something a bit lighter.

(Spoilers below the break, but nothing very specific, followed by grumbling)

I had a pretty cute idea. Aziraphale and Crowley’s first big night of drinking! And it ends (spoiler alert) with the two of them passed out together! Ooh, and Aziraphale covers Crowley with his wing, because of course he does! Awww!

So I settle in and start with this opening scene of Crowley waking up to find himself hungover and a certain angel lying much closer than expected, then I planned to quickly flash back to the start of the drinking. Gotta show how they met up, etc.

Obviously, I had to stop and think it through. “Demon” takes place around 2400 BC, and there was already a reference to them meeting up and drinking together at a festival in the mid-2600s. So it had to be before then. And my outline for the series has them not seeing each other between Eden and Noah’s Ark.

There were two things I could do here. I could set this story sometime in the three centuries between the Ark and the referenced festival...or I could have them meeting up shortly after the Ark.

Anyone who knows me knows that given the choice between a fun, lighthearted story about two pals drinking and an angst fest about a catastrophic flood...well, there’s really only one way I’m going to go.

It’s fine, I thought. It’s not like I have lots of specific things to say about the Flood. I’ll just quickly go over the events at the Ark, then have them bump into each other a few years later. The plan was to do all this in nested flashbacks.

But that meant I had to think about what they both did the first few years after the Flood. And, surprisingly, I found a whole lot of angst!

This quickly took over the story, making it into a pretty heavy angst-fest. So I restructured it as a hurt/comfort - show the hurt of the Flood, followed by the comfort of them getting drunk and commiserating, and a bit of fluff of them accidentally passing out together cuz like, we really need that!

I wrote the hurt bits pretty quickly, and they got much worse than expected. I may have...um...broken Aziraphale a little. So I wanted to make the comfort more detailed to balance it. Which meant researching the places they were going to travel to so I could do a nice, rapid montage.

I don’t know if you’ve noticed this, but I’m...really addicted to historical details in my fics. Things quickly got way out of hand. Each short scene for the montage took at least a week of research, usually two, and then each grew long enough to become a chapter in its own right, and the “brief comfort montage” turned into a slow play-by-play exploring the healing process and some deeper parts of the angst. Which leaves me really stumped on what to do with the “cute, lighthearted passing out” ending I’d started from.

Somewhere around the 20k mark, I realized that this story (now 10 times longer than I’d planned and nowhere near finished) was quite likely going to be the death of me. Don’t get me wrong. I really like it. I want to share it with everyone. Not to mention I’ve tied it into several parts of the overall “Sawdust of Words” storyline, so it does need to be finished!

But because of the way it grew and evolved, it doesn’t have the tight pacing of “Demon,” or the clear theme structure of “Early Days.” And now I’m really exhausted because researching neolithic and early bronze age cultures is fascinating but not bloody easy especially when you don’t have access to an academic library. And since it was originally intended to be written as nested flashbacks, all the reveals are in really weird places in the story’s timeline.

This is the one that I’ve commented both I and my beta are too burnt out to try and fix. I went through it today, moving around pieces to try and get it into its final-ish form (final-ish because there’s still several parts that need to be written, and knowing me this could be another 10k, but at least I’ve identified most of the chapter breaks). I think it can be fixed. It’s worse than “Demon” was at its messiest phase, but it’s not as bad as, say, that one story I started writing in high school and finally gave up on after grad school. (Ask me about that some time. Fun fact: in 8 years of writing, I never gave it a title!)

It’s just that, with everything going on, I don’t have time to settle in and work on it. I don’t have time to research the three remaining stops to a degree I find satisfying, and because the character arc took a bit of a turn I can’t leave them out, either. I don’t want to start any new “Sawdust” stories until I’ve at least checked off a few of the ones I already have on my timeline (including this one, and Ancient Greece story, an Ancient Rome one, a 1968 story, and several after the apocalypse that are intended to reference these as well as get some healing for all the angst I’ve caused). About the only way I can actually get it finished is if I stop writing entirely for a few weeks, and I’ve actually tried more than once and it still hasn’t been enough time.

I really don’t know what to do next. I’m also signed up to write an aromantic Good Omens story for early May and I did write one...it just turned out super melancholy and strange because, ya know, the world right now, I had feels. And it feels strange to submit that? So I tried to start a new one with more lighthearted character moments, and I have plenty of ideas but I just...can’t...find the time.

It’s why I’ve been writing a lot of shorter one-offs (and one adrenaline-fueled insane story, “A Cunning Plan”) -- it’s a chance to step away from all the ideas that have gotten away from me and focus on something that’s just fun. Unfortunately, the longer stories don’t actually get written in the mean time.

So that’s where I am. I’m trying to keep the quality of my stories up to my usual standard, while also producing stuff because I know how much people want to read right now (as much as I want to write). But that might mean these longer historical stories are off the menu for the time being.

(That does not free you all from the angst, though. Keep in mind that both “Obedience” and “Three Little Words” were written in a single sitting!)

[darkpoisonouslove]

For the send title Griffin Heat of the moment Long live the queen Three of my fav one shots! Took some thinking to narrow it down!

I am so sorry this took so long, but life got in the way. I had a terrible night on Saturday and really wasn’t in the state of mind to write this yesterday. Also, tumblr ate my response the other day and I’m still mad about it. So it’s been a fun couple of days. Here’s to hoping this answer will cheer us both up!

“Griffin”:

1. I wrote this when I was on vacation but it took me a while to edit it before I could post it. It was a spontaneous idea that I was so excited to start writing that I stayed up late for it (pretty sure I went to bed at, like, 3:30am because of this).

2. As I’ve mentioned before, it was inspired by “I Fell in Love with the Devil” by Avril Lavigne (damn, I love the song and the video) and my own thought process while I was listening to it. My brain just went “Hey, how cool do you think it will be if Griffin tried to summon the devil aka Valtor and then fell in love with him but it had a tragic ending bc it’s them obvs?” And I went “Yeah, I think that would be pretty cool.” So I just went with it but since I wanted it to keep the winx-verse feeling even despite it being an AU, I decided that Valtor would be known as the all-powerful Dark Dragon which is sort of an equivalent to the devil but not quite. He has all the knowledge on magic and is prone to wrecking havoc everywhere he goes, but minus the ruling hell thing. He’s not ruling anything, he was trapped. Because we needed a summoning ritual in this. Who doesn’t love summoning rituals?

3. Speaking of which, I don’t know how I made those up, but I’m really glad I did. The obsidian idea just came to me but when I did some research, what do you know? It was perfect. And I also managed to tie it in with the Obsidian dimension. I love doing AUs because it gives me so many opportunities to play around with canon details and put them in a new perspective and mold them until they fit this new universe I’ve come up with. It’s my favorite part of writing AUs. The hair thing I know from my mom, a book I read (”A Discovery of Witches”, I think) and internet confirmed. And the tears I just thought would add to the aesthetic and provide some insight into Griffin’s head.

4. I chose the title “Griffin” because this fic mainly deals with the essence of Griffin, with what makes her who she is. Also, I did some research on griffins and they are supposed to be protectors so that also fit in super nicely. I am very proud with the version of Griffin I’ve built in this fic. There is so much anger and desperation in her but that in no way changes the fact that she is actually a good person. Which is why this: “She was strong enough to be a protector. Even with her pain. Even with her rage. Even with her darkness.” is my favorite quote from the fic. I was in a dark place at the time I wrote this and it was important for me to remember that.

5. I also love how Valtor turned out in this fic. He’s mysterious and clearly dangerous but also alluring enough for Griffin to ignore the warning signs. And while it’s clear that he was using her, it isn’t clear what he feels about her. He does feel about her. Maybe not love but he certainly feels a lot about her. She was the only one who managed to summon him (aka rescue him) from Omega so he is intrigued by her powers as well as by the interaction of light and dark within her soul. That is the reason why I have considered writing a companion piece to this fic that is from Valtor’s point of view (there certainly is enough unexplored material on that timeline (I only gave the beginning and ending (is it?) of that relationship)), but I’ve discarded the idea as many times as I have entertained it (until now?). I really have other more pressing things that need taking care of rn but I might reconsider it again when I have more time (will a moment like that ever come?) since I had some new thoughts about it now.

“Heat of the Moment”:

1. This was actually the third Winx Club fanfic I wrote but I posted it as the second one since chapter one of “Warmth of Rage, Cold of Love” wasn’t edited yet at the time.

2. It was actually written at the same day as “Fire and Ice” but it took me a lot of time to get it up on FFN because I didn’t want to post it at first. It was veering on smut so I wasn’t sure how people would react to it. Which is why it makes me so happy to hear that you love that story so much, considering all the doubts I had around it (it was also the first time I was writing about them in the past and we didn’t see anything of their interactions back then on the show so it was pretty much a shot in the dark there).

3. Do you know that amazing moment when you want to write something steamy but you’re not comfortable with smut in this particular situation for whatever reason? This fic is the embodiment of that. Which is why it ended up as dry humping. That’s always my go-to thing in a situation like that. Not actual sex, but you get all the intimacy of sex in it. It’s a win-win (and also hot).

4. I probably would’ve gotten discouraged and would’ve quit writing for the Winx fandom after I posted that one because it didn’t get any attention in weeks. The thing that actually kept me going and not just motivated, but excited me to keep writing for Winx was @her-majesty-wears-jeans‘ review.

5. The whole fic is constructed the way it is because I’m convinced that Valtor loved messing with Griffin in every way possible and that it always set off a competition of wills between the two of them.

“Long Live the Queen”:

1. I was bursting with creative energy and just didn’t know what to work on (not for a lack of ideas but because none of those I already had sparked my interest (I think I had idea-fatigue for all of the wips I already had). So I just picked song lyrics and wrote a fic. How do I do this? It certainly is a mystery to me.

2. So it was all total chance there. I was listening to music on YouTube and when the song ended, the suggestions showed up. One of them was a lyric video for Halsey’s “Young God” (which is totally their story in the past, I mean, come on!) and the thumbnail had the lyric “I’m the king and you’re the queen”. So I just took that and rolled with it.

3. I didn’t think it a big deal because I honestly wasn’t planning on posting the thing. I was frustrated with myself that day and was pretty sure that it wouldn’t be good anyway. And then what do you know? It was good. It was better than good. I actually loved the result. So I decided to post it after all.

4. That last paragraph was on the line until the last moment I posted it. I only added it on the last round of edits and wasn’t really sure about it. I almost deleted it a few times, but, ultimately, I decided to leave it be.

5. I had some random thoughts about what happened after Griffin took the crown. Since it will get so out of control with the length if I try to write this (and I really don’t have the time for that), I’ll just write them out here. In short because I forgot some details that were kind of important. Also, angst alert.

Griffin and Valtor start ruling Domino and Griffin’s worries prove to be true. Valtor is… well, not that he’s not listening to her but in a situation that needs improvisation, he always makes the wrong move. He’s listening to her, he’s just not listening to common sense. He’s angry and powerful and it’s not a good combination.

On top of that, Faragonda shows up at the Domino palace to look for Griffin because she is convinced that Valtor is mind-controlling her. Griffin barely manages to convince Valtor not to hurt Faragonda. He’s suspicious of her because he thinks she’s come to gather intel, but Griffin tells him that Faragonda is there because she’s worried about her.

They form a sort of flimsy truce that allows Faragonda to come visit Griffin so that she won’t be so lonely. And if she spills anything about Valtor and Griffin (not just about their plans, but in general) to anyone at all, Valtor will make sure she regrets it. Griffin is still unhappy, though, and after overhearing (whether accidentally or not so much) one of her conversations with Faragonda, Valtor understands how much the whole thing is weighing down on her conscience.

So after one last very tender night with her, he lets her go. He can’t run away with her because that will put her in danger since the Council will want his head. So he’ll stay on Domino and limit the destruction as much as possible, but he wants her to go with Faragonda. They can tell the Council that she was under his spell and that was why she was acting the way she was. They’ve seen enough of what his mark on people can do so that won’t be hard to believe. And it was Faragonda who saved her from it with some fairy dust.

Griffin doesn’t want to leave him, but she does because she can’t take any more of what he’s doing. Faragonda hides her in Alfea where a few weeks later Griffin finds out she’s pregnant. It turns out Faragonda knew all along (Valtor told her when he called her to escort Griffin to Alfea and gave her a letter for Griffin because he knew that if Griffin knew she was pregnant with his daughter, she would never leave his side). The letter tells her under no circumstances to tell anyone that the baby is his daughter. She is supposed to pretend that that is the heiress of Domino who was born just before Valtor attacked and that he’d been keeping her hibernated (which is why she hasn’t aged and is still a newborn) until they found her. It took them months to get her out of that state which would give Griffin the time to give birth to the baby. And the real heiress of Domino is stuck on Earth with her way back to the magical dimension severed by Valtor’s spell. And it will remain so as long as the Dark Dragon Fire is burning.

So Darcy grows in Alfea, pretending that she is a fairy her whole life. And her power of illusions helps her keep up the charade with Griffin and Faragonda guiding her through the discovery of her magic and helping her understand both light and dark magic so that she can pretend to be a fairy and learn how to control her actual powers. And a little bit of glamor helps hide the family resemblance between her and Griffin. She knows the truth about herself and her father but she keeps all of that hidden like her mother insists.

When she turns sixteen, Valtor appears to tell her she is to take the throne of Domino, defeat him and “claim her birthright”. He gives them a part of the embers the Ancestral Witches used to make him and tells them that that is the evidence of his defeat they are to present to the Council. And he will disappear for he can’t stay with them, no matter how much he wants to. It will put them both at risk if anyone discovers the ruse.

Griffin sees how much of his body mass is missing and follows him to learn what he’s done and where he found the ember. Valtor tells her that he cut off his wings in demon form and made them return to their original form. However, that also had consequences for his human form and he’s dying. He’s pretty sure what he did messed with his internal organs and he doesn’t have much more to live. But he doesn’t regret anything if it means that Darcy will finally be safe and happy. And once she builds her reputation and convinces everyone she’s not a threat, she’ll be able to drop the disguise.

Griffin knows that will never be the case. She’s seen clearly all these years to differ from him. They can never drop the pretense for the Council will be after them immediately. And with Valtor dying in her arms, she’s not sure if Darcy can protect herself. She’s never used the full potential of her Dragon Fire and Griffin fears it is too late for her to do it. She fears that having to pretend to be someone else her whole life has destroyed who Darcy actually was. And she fears that it is all her fault. Because she took that crown when she shouldn’t have. When she knew it was the wrong choice.

So after Valtor is dead, Griffin sets out to find out how to bring the actual heiress of Domino back to the magical dimension in hopes that if the two kinds of fire mix and both girls learn to control them, the Council will not hunt down her daughter. A perfect mix of light and darkness is her only exit. But can she be sure that she can achieve it now when she couldn’t years ago and that was what set off the whole chain of events?

So this was longer than I expected but I like how it turned out. Except for the insane levels of angst which I’m pretty sure we’re all used to, but that still doesn’t make them any less painful. Anyway, hope this makes up for the delay!

[seventeen-imagines-reactions]

Apology / Explanation (Dear fellow K-pop fans Pt 3)

Part 1 // Part 2 

Disclaimer: I’m going to tag some groups, or kpop in general like yk using the tags I usually use. You’ll understand why I hope. This is not a post about any group mentioned. I’m sorry I understand why this annoys people, please skip this whole post if you only wanted group related stuff. 

This is mostly for my followers, but the last part is about kpop and my unpopular opinion about things (hence the title), so if you’d like to read that, I’d love to hear your opinion about it (The beginning to that part will be bold and in italic so it’s easier to find). Then again, please excuse this post, it really rarely happens that I do this. 

Sooo hello there babies. 

I kept saying that I’d post some sort of apology or explanation as to why I didn’t upload regularly or why I was gone for quite some time without saying anything. 

I know a lot of people don’t really care about this too much, but I still felt like I “had” to, because a lot of people submitted things and I never really did anything or like idk there was one request I only wrote quite literally 2 years later. 

So first reason why I was gone: Me. I do tend to procrastinate quite a lot. When this blog was teeny tiny I didn’t write super long things, like I was shocked when I hit the 200 word mark yk. And then I kinda slowly began to get “better”, the stories got longer, I used a bit better language compared to the first tries etc. And as this blog grew, writer’s blog started to kick in more often and it got harder to think of new things. And I’m not saying like... idk I don’t force myself to write and as I often mentioned I do write the things that come to my mind all of a sudden. The first thing I think of while reading a request is usually the plot for the one shot. I rarely sit down and think of a plot, that’s why it feels like I keep repeating a lot of things and since there’s only some groups that I really really watch and listen to all the time, the person to repeat too. Don’t get me wrong, then again, I - for the most part - pick whoever fits in that concept, and knowing only some people, I keep choosing the same ones. Idk how to explain this really but I think this makes more sense: I do know a lot of Idols, but I often only know their names and general stuff about the group and not really how diverse their personalities might be outiside of shows or MV’s. 

I also struggled a bit with balancing school and life. My school luckily was really easy for me in general, but some things threw me of a lot of times. Like I cannot focus whenever I want to, but I kept pushing myself up to a point where I got like upset and mad, because the things I had to know for whatever test wasn’t a lot, but the fact that I couldn’t study when I wanted to was so annoying, so I spent quite a lot of my daytime getting mad about myself, and during night, where I usually write stuff, I studied. (I know I could’ve switched times, like write during the day and study at night, but stupid me thought I could change my brain lol) 

So I tried writing when I had nights of, but that was also kinda forcing myself so I had writer’s block again. Full circle everytime. And I also noticed how “bad” those force-written things where, other than the stuff I genuinely wanted to write. (There are some stories, kpop related and not, that I want to post some days, bt I didn’t want to part those out of the fear I wouldn’t finish them again.) 

Now the thing I didn’t want to mention, but at the same time wanted to write it’s own “dear fellow kpop fans” post about. During the past year, I noticed how I just didn’t fit into that “Kpop fandom” sutff. At least I thought so. That’s why I kinda kept a “healthy” distance to fandoms, I still watched videos and stuff but I didn’t really go deep as I used to. Idk why, it might be because I get older, or because I just don’t understand the obsessive behaviour of some fans. I’m not going to mentioned any age groups bc I’ve “met” super chill 12 year olds and super hyper and in a way annoying 22 year olds, and vice versa.

I just realized as the groups grew and Kpop got known wordwide, fandoms got like really scary. Not just interanationally, but also k-fans. I’m not only talking about online fans, I really mean everything. Following the Idols, leaving them absolutely no space at airports, idk, being mean at fansigns, making fun of their mistakes, yelling at them personally and like bullying them etc. I just didn’t want to... support that? 

And online fanwars jesus, we all like the same thing, we shouldn’t hate on others just bc we like whoever we like honestly. I try to not mention groups and fandoms because, first of all the group can’t do anything about extrem fans, second of all not all fans are the same, so excuse me saying group and fan a shit load of times. And to anyone who thinks I might be talking about specific people, no I’ve seen a lot xD 

I don’t think I need to explain what happens exactly, but those things in general made me step back. I was confused. I didn’t know if I could openly speak about groups and write stories as I wanted because I didn’t know what people would think. And I started to dislike certain groups because of the fans, yk it felt super annyoing to me, but after a while I realized like, it’s no ones fault, I can like them and be in the fandom still. I don’t have to be like the people I see everywhere. 

And there is one thing I will mention. Which you can see in previous posts, I talked about what was happening and giving a little update about myself bla bla, I did tag groups because I mentioned open requests. In that moment I only thought, “my followers, that see the tags, will know which requests are still open” I didn’t tag them for attention or anything. I really just used those tags for the open requests. And like, 10 mins later I get a message, stop tagging them it’s getting annoying, I swear my heart was racing and I felt the need to apologize bc I didn’t want to upset anyone, But as I read and read that message again I thought how am I getting annoying? In three years of me being here I only tagged groups in non-group related stuff when I talked about open requests and unpopular opinions.I did count then and I didn’t even do that 10 times. I hate things like that too you know. I really do because I was looking for stray kids things some time ago and literally only other groups, like 1-2 groups popped up. Stray kids and other tags were used for nothing. I do understand why it’s upsetting but my post was like 5 sentences long and again I tagged them for people to know what was still left unwritten. 

BUUUUT I also know how loving this fandom can be, lke supporting small groups and making friends and helping one and another out. I really love this and made great friends through it. I also love how people pay respect to older artists etc, or being super respectful during december. This does overshadow the bad things, that’s why I’m back fully now. 

I am now back to being a full time fan, of more groups now actually. So I will be back writing things, every now and then until I get myself back up. I will finish open requests, the drabble game and the 60 day special before only writing new things, until then I’ll mix them up. 

I love you all, I’m glad to be here again, I am really sorry for being gone for so long, and I apologize again for using the tags now. 

(I will delete the tags after a short while, because as Isaid I don’t like this myself) 

Yours Sincerely, 

                                     - a confused hobby writer, that also is super anxious rn                                              lol, a die hard kpop fan, that coped with a lot of things                                               while writing stuff on this plattform 

[duetlyreads]

Rant

Its late and I’m tired and stressed from upcoming finals and irritated at myself for other reasons and I just want to get this out even if I’m not a very active (in terms of talking to other bloggers) member of my fandoms because this has been bothering me since like December and I've had enough. 

Seeing all of these wonderfully talented authors and fellow fans delete their blogs or contemplating deleting their blogs makes me very sad, but at the same time, I know that in most they are doing what they believe is best for themselves. I know that there are different reasons why different authors have chosen to delete, but I have noticed a disturbing trend of anon hate and increasing writing demands being a culprit of these losses. And I have some Things to say about that. Especially when it causes writers to feel like something they used to love doing is now a burden (this just breaks my heart)

It makes me both furious and sad to see that there are people who think it is ok to send hateful messages to someone, for whatever reason. To those anons, I am sorry that you have nothing better to do with your time than to try to bring a fellow human being down. I honestly don’t know what goes through your head when you hit that send button with that message filled with negative thoughts, but I am sorry that you lack the ability to express your feelings in a functional and healthy way, or even to be kind at all. Empathy is a tried and true method, and if you could put yourself out of your own selfish bubble long enough to see how you would feel if someone sent such a message to you, well, I hope that you would make a different choice. Whether you truly and wholeheartedly mean what you saw or not, whether or not you think you are in the right, hate is never the answer.

The sheer selfishness that some people exhibit when it comes to communicating with their so-called “favorite authors” is disgusting. If they really are your favorite author then you should have the decency to show some respect and understanding about how difficult it is to have a life and a current writing blog. Authors are not machines. They have setbacks, they have limits, and they have free choice of writing whatever the fuck they want. It’s their blog, and their choice, not yours. They do not exist to serve your every whim. If an author hasn’t updated a series in a while, what you SHOULD do is politely ask them ONCE (1 TIME) if they have a plan on when hey might be working on it again, and whatever answer they give you, accept it as canon. What you SHOULDN’T do is throw a tantrum like a toddler because your aren’t getting what you want or insult the author because they, a fellow human being with other things to do with their time, are not writing fast enough to your standards. How about you try writing a 20 part multific that's around 2K words each and update it regularly while being a full-time student/parent/worker, all the while either going through severe writer’s block or inspiration for writing a different piece altogether. Authors and bloggers alike are not perfect, nor do they claim to be. Cut them some slack and back. Off.

To the authors that have deleted their blogs for these other personal reasons, I first want to say that even though I may not know the details surround your circumstances, I understand the need to put yourself before others in order to be at peace. So in that, I say: “Four for you, Glen Coco.” Huge and amazing props to you for putting your mental/emotional/physical wellbeing over the wants and desires of others. I know that for many of you, it was most likely a very tough decision and a very painful time, but if it ultimately led you to feel peace or more at one with yourself, I applaud you for that. Even if you just transferred to another blog, that is still a great thing considering what may have been going on at the time. Things weren’t going so well, but you decided to start afresh! Go you! Secondly, I want to thank you. Not just for sharing your amazing talent with us, but for sharing YOU with us. You, who brought smiles to so many faces. You, who may have made us squeal inhumanly loud at the fluff, or cry uncontrollably at the angst, or have to take multiple cold showers after reading the smut. Thank you. You didn’t have to, but you did, and that made all the difference. Thank. You. And even if you are no longer writing on here or other places on the internet, I hope that you continue to develop your wonderful talent and share it with kindred spirits. Bless.

If you are contemplating deleting your blog for any of the above reasons or other personal ones, please know that whatever you chose, if it makes you happy in the end, I support your decision. Life is full of constant struggles and we never know if the choices we make are the right ones until after we make them, sometimes long after the fact. I can be a pessimist at times, but I like to think of life as a roller coaster. When you’re feeling down and miserable, I believe that at some point, things will start to look up. Your choices can either speed up or slow down that inevitable incline, but sooner or later, it will happen. Whatever you choose, try to make sure that it will make YOU happy in the long run. I believe in you. And if you ever need someone to talk to, my door is always open, along with my bag of doggo pics to try and brighten your day.

Tagging some bloggers and writers I know may find this relevant bc you guys deserve to know that you are loved and appreciated. Feel free to tag anyone else. 

@mattmoredick @bucky-plums-barnes (special message for you in tags) @sexylibrarian1 @timeforsmut  

(Note: It is 1 am and i honestly cannot rack my brain enough to come up with the other multitude of bloggers i know have been through this so im going to also tag authors who have been around for a while and have seen some things. Sorry if this is awkward! @persephone-is-here-omg @after-avenging-hours @angryschnauzer @buckyywiththegoodhair @lenavonschweetz @captainrogerss)

Tagging for Reasons:

@drearncatcher37 @runmild

[eeveelutionsforequality]

@mod vape, do you have any tips for dealing with hypersexuality or addiction? bc uh. getting off hurts. idk if it’s specifically because ive been doing it so goddamn much or because of the fucking legion of medical problems i have, but it’s DEFINITELY making my abdominal pain worse and i dont know how to stop gjdfjhk.

Well, firstly, go to the doctor about that pain - there are injuries, illnesses, sexual dysfunctions, and all sorts of things from that could be causing a pain like that (it could be a pulled muscle, a cyst, maybe you aggravated a pre-existing health issue, etc), and it's best to rule out anything too dangerous as soon as you can, and to treat anything treatable. Even if it is tied to or caused by overdoing sex/masturbation, just mitigating that habit isn't guaranteed to fix it.

I was getting some pretty bad pain from even small dildos/vibrators, and I decided to go to the doctor in case it was something dangerous - thankfully, it turned out to just be a sexual dysfunction (basically spasms and tightening of the muscles in the vagina, in my case caused by trauma). I was supposed to get therapy for it, but I never went because I was having another therapy at the time and my carer was like "But what if they cancel each other out!?" and I was like "That's not how it works..." Sometimes it acts up but I think I've got it mostly under control. I've also had to go to the doctor for sprained/strained wrists more times than I would like to admit... I used to be like "Oh I played my guitar for too long" or "Oh I think I leant on my walking stick for too long" and now I'm just like "Wanker's cramp".

Trust me and my plethora of injuries when I say that doctors are professionals, they went to medical school, they see genitalia on a daily basis, they've seen eyes and ears and giant sores full of puss... it's really rare to get a doctor that will look down upon or judge you for that. Sure you'll get the odd "You should masturbate less", "Here's a big speech about the risks of STDs and pregnancy", "Have you told your therapist about this", but it's more of an "I'm contractually obliged to impart medical advice" than an "I think you're gross" 99% of the time.

Secondly, I do have tips, but I'm still hella bad at dealing with my own issues - I still smoke more than I want to, drink til I puke, sleep with strangers, lose days to laying in bed alone, have an aching pain in my wrists, etc. Obviously I don't have all of the answers, so I can't promise that they'll be the best tips in the world - it's worth doing some more research of your own, and it might be worth talking to your doctor/therapist if you can't manage it on your own.

You haven't given much detail about how specifically it affects you or what the addiction is to (sexual stuff in general, masturbation, casual sex, porn, etc), so I'm going to try to cover as much as I can (like dealing with sexual thoughts about people in your life, limiting the number of times you masturbate, etc) and I hope that at least some of what I say is useful to you.

Okay, so the first tip I have is: try not to slip into the mentality that cold turkey is the only way to go if it's not what you want - thinking "I can't have this. I'm not allowed this." can increase cravings. Thinking "I'm allowed this later... if I stay motivated not to do it now and if I only do it in moderation, and it's gonna be great." can make waiting out those cravings a lot easier, provided you have the self-control to not slip back into a bad habit after once.

Ways to avoid slipping back into bad habits include: having time (or number of the thing) limits for when and how long you are allowed, having something to do afterwards that takes your mind off it (for example "once I've done it once, I have to get up, take out the rubbish, email my boss, read that global warming article, and get ready for bed"), other rewards/punishments (put a book you really want in your Amazon basket then click "save for later", if at the end of the fortnight you've accomplished your goal then buy the book, if you fail the fortnight resets and you have to wait two more weeks - set smaller goals with smaller rewards, and larger goals with larger rewards), keeping and going over a diary so that you can see what worked and what didn't, if there's a pattern to failures, progress even if you're not meeting goals (at which point try to make the upcoming goals a little easier since you're expecting too much of yourself), and so on.

Secondly, and it's the most generic tip ever but it's SUPER important for addictions because they can damage your pre-frontal cortex... healthy diet, exercise, meditation, mental exercises, getting some sun, and other daily tasks are super important.

You need to get into the habit of something like reading or pottery or drawing for at least half an hour to an hour every day - turn off your internet, games, distractions, and maintain concentration on what you're doing. This helps repair the effects that addictions can have on your pre-frontal cortex and dopamine receptors by activating the parts of your brain that work towards maintained motivation and focus for smaller or distant rewards, which in turn will help your brain work normally again, which in turn will increase motivation and willpower.

Cooking more difficult meals will have similar benefits and a healthy diet improves your overall health. Exercise does the same even more effectively than either, and it has the added bonus of energizing you, increasing your focus on other tasks that you do afterwards, various health benefits, lifting your mood, and helping you be tired by the end of the day so that you'll be able to sleep easier - insomnia is a really dangerous trigger for any addiction, but especially a masturbation or sex addiction, because you're in an environment that is associated with that behaviour and the behaviour makes it easier to sleep afterwards, so you've every reason to start doing it if you find yourself unable to sleep.

Which brings me on to another reason why keeping a diary is especially important - you need to isolate your triggers. Establish what happened immediately before the behaviour, what you were thinking, and what potentially led to the behaviour. Then you can work towards either avoiding those triggers, lessening them, being mindful of them, or training yourself to exhibit a different behaviour in response to them - for example, if having a shower triggers you to masturbate, try singing in the shower instead, training your brain to react to showers with the urge to sing instead of the urge to masturbate.

You might also want to try sleeping meds, so that you can take them, read until they start to kick in, and then immediately go to bed and try to sleep - that way there's less of a gap between going to bed and falling asleep where something could happen.

Routine can also be really helpful for some people - you're supposed to fall asleep between about 10pm and 1am for optimal sleep, and you're supposed to wake up between 6 and 8 hours later. Get out of bed as soon as you wake up to avoid lethargy, and either exercise or go for a short walk, or do something that starts your brain and body working for the day. After that, prepare breakfast, don't watch TV or distract yourself while you eat. Continue the day with a routine that works for you, and you could set a time at which you will masturbate (or maybe a date you're allowed to go to the club and pull... how you work in routine if you have a long-term sexual partner is something you would need to talk to them about) that doesn't interfere with your routine.

Avoid bars, pubs, clubs, tinder, grindr, and anything else that can be a trigger for that or makes quick hook-ups easy - I know that I can go to the pub near me (because there'll be nobody there for that, it's an "old people come here to watch football" pub), and that I can go to a pub or bar with friends if I'm having a good day, but making sure that my flat wasn't within walking distance of a club and deleting dating apps was really helpful to me (it meant that even if the temptation was there the effort required to act on it was too much and took too long, so I'd catch myself).

I also log off any tumblr that I'm following people on that post NSFW, porn, sexual stuff or anime stuff if necessary - just like how I log off any tumblrs where I follow political blogs if I'm getting overwhelmed by that. But it is still good to have a tumblr for NSFW stuff, to have somewhere that you can express certain things, reblog things, feel less alone, enjoy things that you enjoy - don't demonize the side of you that likes sex, don't lock it in a cell in the back of your head, just tell it that it can't control you.

I'm also working on not putting myself in as many situations that can make me feel like I'm being too flirty or as many situations that cause too many uncomfortable or sexual thoughts at a time when they're stressing me - like, I don't come online as much when I'm drunk now, I don't have as many sleepovers, and I don't tend to maintain physical contact for as long (like, I don't hold hands as often as I used to), for example.

That said, you can't live out your life hiding from people who your brain might think something sexual about - isolating yourself is unhealthy. Humans are social creatures and social interaction is good for us, talking to people about our problems is good for us, distractions and fun are good for us. I find structured social plans make things easier - so, I like plans like "lets cook together then eat the awesome meal", "lets go see a movie", "lets go to the town center and taste hot chocolate from as many cafés as we can before I puke", "lets go to the fair" and things like that (that said, agoraphobia is awful and ruins like 90% of my social interaction). Keep people in your life who you're comfortable with and who make you happy.

Remember that what you're thinking or mental images that pop into your head aren't evil, it doesn't mean that you have a crush on them, that you actually want to do sexual things with them, that you can't be their friend, or anything like that... they're just thoughts. You didn't choose them. Just let them pass.

Your surroundings and triggers are incredibly important things to stay on top of though, be that to mitigate stress in social situations, or to prevent you from engaging in more sex/masturbation than you want to or than is safe for you to.

Don't spend your day in the same place that you masturbate - even if you don't live alone you can avoid being in bed when you're in your room, you could get a sofa, beanbag, comfy chair, gigantic cushion, or other comfortable place to sit in your bedroom so that you don't have to be in your bed, and put that in a part of your room with different posters/decoration to those around your bed.

Lots of things can become associated with certain behaviours in your brain, from sitting in a certain place to feeling a certain emotion. Try to avoid being too exposed to those things at times when you don't intend to be doing something sexual, and replace them with other things that make you happy, keep you distracted, and aid in training concentration and willpower (maths games, board games, card games, puzzles, reading, cooking, exercise, drawing, writing, etc).

Even things like separating any porn or sexual pictures in your phone into a hidden folder instead of having it pop up when you go to look for pictures, or keeping magazines or the pornhub bookmark out of sight, can really help with lessening the regularity with which things pop into your head.

Finally, and I've hinted at it throughout this, mindfulness and meditation are things that many addicts find incredibly helpful. It's really worth doing some googling, watching some YouTube videos, and learning those techniques (and it's good to be doing research in general into ways to help addictions or hypersexuality disorders, because there are quite a few schools of thought and there are probably a lot of things that I've missed).

Meditation, like reading and exercise, helps train your mind into maintaining focus, not reacting to distractions and urges, relaxing, letting thoughts pass by, and being less hectic and loud - it also has health benefits, can help you sleep, can help you take time from your busy schedule to yourself (an urge that may have been previously feeding the addictions instead, as they can be linked to a need for control), and can help you work through thoughts or anxieties.

Mindfulness helps in various ways too - for example, smokers found that being mindful (observing, essentially) helped them quit because it led to them paying more attention to how bad the cigarette tasted, and it also allowed them to non-judgmentally observe the cravings that they felt, observe why they were feeling those cravings, and allow them to pass by. It's about letting your thoughts exist, letting things exist, acknowledging them, but not letting them control you.

You can study mindfulness for yourself - research it online, read one of the many books about it, watch YouTube videos, etc - or you can go to the doctor and ask for a therapy that teaches mindfulness (I found learning about it in my own time more helpful, and have had more success with that, but I think that was mostly related to not having a great therapist - plus, online gives me more opportunities to look into the how and why, to see how other people do it, to look deeper into it, to take as long as I need, while therapy was just an elderly lady snapping at me for using my phone and telling me to imagine that my thoughts are clouds and distracting me constantly).

So yeah...

Step 1: Go to the doctors for that pain, it's probably something minor but it's better safe than sorry.

Step 2: Do more research, Mod Vape doesn't know everything.

Step 3: Keep a diary and try to isolate what things are triggering you, what you're feeling beforehand, and be mindful of what you're thinking, what you're feeling, and what you're gaining/losing from the experience.

Step 4: Try to keep yourself away from things that trigger you, but also remember that you don't have to entirely abstain from valuable things - you can train new reactions as responses to those things, you can work on self-control, and so on.

Step 5: Work on your routine, diet, exercise, habits, and hobbies, so that you can improve your willpower, motivation, and health.

Step 6: Research and practice meditation and mindfulness.

Step 7: Set and work towards small goals, rewarding yourself for successes and keeping track of your progress.

Step 8: If you can't control the addiction or behaviour, if the thoughts are becoming difficult to live with, if these problems continue to cause you distress, there is no shame in seeking professional help. You don't have to do this alone.

Remember that chemical imbalances and other neurological issues can cause such things - if you can't manage it alone, that could be a warning sign that something serious or physiological is going on. Not being able to quit doesn't necessarily mean that somebody's "not trying hard enough", and instead of beating yourself up talk to somebody who can do blood tests, scans, or whatever else is necessary to make sure that you're okay and that you overcome your struggles.

~ Vape