#might delete idk I’m just feeling kind of shitty

[betterthanbatman1]

I don’t often talk about personal stuff but … I am so sick of being sick these days like I’ve been to the doctors and it’s nothing serious, I am okay. but like ughhhh I just need my health back. It’s not even serious like I am okay thankfully, really. it’s just so exhausting.

I am getting help, it’s just the fact that I need the help in the first place :/

Especially when I’ve already been so fucking busy this summer and now my health, like I really thought I could do things or try some new recipes or something this summer but oh well. Some things just don’t go to plan. I’m still having a lot of moments of happiness with family and friends (and comfort shows lmao) so I’m doing good. Yeah idk kind of shitty kind of good

[int-writersmind]

In The Dead of Night

Symbiote!Peter Parker x Female reader

Word Count: 666 (no I'm not joking)

Warnings: Smut; some weird tentacle play idk

Author Note: I don't know what possessed me to write this but I did it. Bare with me I wrote and edited this in like one night, so it might be shitty and I might delete it idk, enjoy.

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You were in a deep sleep with nothing but a tank top and underwear on, the window cracked open, letting in a cool breeze. Your skin prickles but not because of the cold air, but because something slimy and slightly wet is climbing up multiple parts of your body.

Across your torso, slowly creeping under your tank top, a black tentacle wraps around one of your breasts.

Another tentacle goes up through your waistband, slithering down your leg, wrapping around your thigh and calf.

The last tentacle wraps around your neck, the end creeping up your face, waking you up.

Your eyes shoot open, with mostly shock, but surprisingly not fear, the tentacle around your neck squeezes tighter. “Peter…” you whisper. 

Your boyfriend, Peter Parker to some, Spider-Man to all of New York, groans and moans in sleep. A few weeks ago Peter came into contact with some mysterious rock that fell from space, gifting this-this…what did Peter call it? A symbiote. It had enhanced all of his typical Spidey powers and graced him with a few additional, including these…tentacles.

You reach your hand out and push him a little harder, “Peter! Fucking wake up.”

Peter shakes himself awake, catching himself from falling off the bed when he notices the black tentacles coming from his body and wrapping itself over multiple parts of your body.

“Oh my-oh my god I-I’m-” Peter shakes.

“No…no,” You place a hand on Peter’s shoulder. “God it’s, it’s kind of strange but I kinda-I kind of like the feeling.”

As almost reacting to what you just said, more tentacles shoot out from Peter encompassing your body. Wrapping over both legs, and arms, tugging at your shirt and underwear.

“I-I don’t know what to do?” Peter asks

“Maybe,” You responded. “But subconsciously your mind knows exactly what to do.”

You pull him in close, enrapturing him with a deep kiss as the tentacles expand covering more of your body, two of them crawling up your leg, entering you.

Slowly they pump inside of you, filling you up to the point where you pulse against them. A high pitch moan slips from your mouth, your eyes falling close, head falling back into the pillow as you writhe against the mattress. “Oh-my god, it feels…so…”

Another tentacle wraps around your breast, flicking at your nipple, Peter grasps the other in his hand massaging with his palm and fingers. Peter goes from kissing your lips to kissing your neck, as the tentacle around your neck enters your mouth. The sensation is like a gloved latex finger, your tongue wrapping around it, your mouth humming against the sensation.

The tentacles inside you pump faster, a heat building in your abdomen. Peter brings his other hand down to touch in between your legs, switching between circular motions to side to side. The pleasant sensations from everything touching your body causes the heat in your abdomen to grow. 

You toss and you turn, sweat starting to form on every open piece of available skin. You run your hands up and down Peter’s body, gripping and squeezing whenever the sensations are hitting the spot. “God, I’m…I’m…”

As you come, your body stiffens as you squeeze and tighten against the tentacles, your thighs subconsciously close around Peter’s hand. As your high dies down, the tentacles retract from your body, your head falls against the pillow. Peter removes his hands from your breast and from in between your legs. He places gentle kisses on your face and lips as you fade back into reality.

“I don’t know what-where that came from but…” Peter says.

“But we have to do that again.” You whisper out. You reach your fingers out and play with Peter’s nose and lips.

“Now that would be responsible.”

You laugh, “C’mon you know you like it, I bet it even turned you on.”

Peter groans and attacks your neck with kisses, “I guess we just have to keep testing the extent of this symbiote”

“How irresponsible…” You say.

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woah, did not expect to follow up that fluff-y fic with this one. Do you hate me, do you care? Let's see how long I'll keep this up before my anxiety tells me to delete this from the internet. Goodbye Void!

[sunflowersunite]

I've been meaning to ask this for some time now, since I've realised as we're working on a fic together that you tend to make little headcanons about the characters here and there.

So I would love to hear some about your fic "to live". I tell you it's a masterpiece and it'd be a crime if you DO have hcs or side notes and you've kept them all to yourself

ohh?? Thank you so much for asking me this, swordslinger!! I maybe kind of have a few, actually...

to anyone interested, the fic is to live, an aot villain AU where Levi never left the Underground and Hange followed a different path. Assassin Levi x torturer Hange (she's a torturer for the Military Police). This post will contain spoilers for the fic.

The first person Levi killed when he became an assassin was the pimp who left his sick mother to die without providing her with any healthcare.

when Levi pushed Hange against that wall, (this is what I'm talking about) he was genuinely impatient and wanted to intimidate her. However Hange's feelings were a little... different. Danger has always exhilarated her and I have to admit that she did think about kissing him right then and there. She knew she'd end up with a knife at her throat but oh well, all the better.

Chapter 5:

“Say you’re sorry.” A pause, during which she imagines his lips pursing into a thin line. “What does it matter if I do?” It does, for the sake of their weird, twisted friendship. Because however little kindness he's got left, he spared some for her. “Just say it, midget.” “Tsk. Dumbass shitty-glasses.” “Stuck-up clean freak.”

this was inspired by Six of Crows and it according to the note I'd initially made, it would go like this: (context, Levi is bedridden, injured and they're bickering because Hange wants to go do murder stuff)

"midget" "shitty-glasses" "clean freak" "Hange. Don't go."

4. I found a fanart that reminded me of the fic and kept it in my notes. torture buddies Levihan here!

5. When Levi adopted Mikasa after her parents died, he really had to be a parent to her. She'd wake up by nightmares and he'd have to?? calm her down?? who, Levi Ackerman??

He was better at it than he expected, though. He wanted her to throw that stupid scarf away because he claimed it provided a grip for any attackers, but she refused (because it's Eren's. Mikasa still remembers Eren as the boy who taught her kindness still exists).

6. In an earlier draft, while hazy from some attack (idk which), Hange was supposed tell Levi that she liked it when he called her by her name, because initially he only referred to her by the infamous nicknames.

Later, Levi would find himself in the same predicament (hazy from an attack) and this would happen

She comes closer and he sees her, worried and bloodstained. “Levi? Are you okay?” “I’m okay.” He wraps a tendril of her hair around his finger. Holds it like a lifeline. “Hange.” “What is it?” “Nothing. You like it when I say your name.” That fact might have been a memory or a dream, but he doesn’t bother trying to figure that out. He's tired. “Don’t fall asleep!” she urges him. “If you keep shouting like this, I can’t,” he mutters.

(well, this might make it into the fic eventually. I don't know 😅)

7. Another deleted scene which I liked very much. They've found themselves in some abandoned village and sleep side by side.

Hange inches closer to him, her hands press against his chest. He finds it rough and calloused from holding hammers and buzzsaws, not swords or scalpels. From creating, not destroying. Levi wishes for the first time that he could do something useful for the kids like the one he used to be, frail and weak and alone. Without being sure why, he snakes an arm around her waist and pulls her closer. Her breath fans over his face and he’s only millimetres away from pressing their foreheads together. It’s a tenderness he feels like they’re stealing from another kinder world. This world is cruel, though, and they know that they’ll be each other’s demise or die trying. I’ll kill you, her kind smile says. The inquisitiveness with which her eye roams his face, the way her hands press on his beating heart. I’ll kill you, I’ll kill you, I’ll kill you. A twisted lullaby. //  She studies his stormy eyes, the smooth bridge of his nose, the line of his mouth. She drinks in every little detail, tries to read his expression. He gives her nothing.

this scene. ohhh I forgot how much I liked it. I got goosebumps. 😄

7. deleted scene #3679 (context: Hange would return to the Scouts here and Levi rode his horse next to her until the camp. It happened a bit differently in the final product)

“Is this goodbye, then?” she asks. “I guess.” She looks like she wants to say something and Levi finds himself once more awaiting her next words with a knot in his stomach. “I never liked goodbyes, you know. Us Scouts never say goodbye, only good luck. So, good luck, Levi. Kick their asses.” The first rays of the morning sun dance around her hair and she looks more like a painting than a person, a painting with soot smudged on her cheeks and a stiff back and an eye the colour of soil and life. Bright and hopeful and alive, that’s what she is. That’s what she deserves to be. Hange’s horse starts to trudge towards the camp, and Levi calls out for her before he can regret it. “Hange!” She stops and looks back. Her name rolls off his tongue as if he’s said it countless times before. It’s familiar, it feels right. And if it takes never saying it again for her to live, maybe it’s okay. “Good luck.”

heyyy I liked this scene too, would you look at that.

8. Levi likes to kiss Hange's neck (I headcanon that for canon as well, but let's mention it here). He's too short to reach her cheek so he just kisses her neck fleetingly when they become canon. Also he likes to cuddle up to her and use her as a pillow.

9. Chapter 3:

The tip of his nose is cute, so mismatched for a murderer like him. That’s what piqued her interest when he pinned her against the wall that first night. Maybe when she kills him, she’ll cut off his nose and preserve it in a jar, it’s too nice to let rot.

fun fact, you have @quillsandblades to thank for that because they were the one who made me not scrap that scene and actually use it somewhere.

10. After Levihan becomes canon and assuming everything works out eventually, Levi becomes the Scouts' scary parent and Mikasa their scary sister. Assassin Levi with Connie and Sasha.

"soo what do you do in your free time?"

"I murder people"

"tight"

11. Kenny ships Levihan. Granted, he did send them after eachother, but chemistry is chemistry and Kenny has eyes.

This turned out to be a compilation of deleted scenes, but it's good that I found an opportunity to share them! If anything else occurs to me I'll let you know 😉

[xclowniex]

I don’t know if it makes me a horrible person but I’m actually kind of glad seeing Yuval (feels very weird saying that seeing as my uncle is called יובל) getting ripped to shreds by his ‘supporters’. Like, not happy, but just sort of satisfied??? I had to unfollow him when I was still on tiktok because he was promoting ahistorical bullshit and demonising Israelis. It’s extra shitty because the first ever video he made on the conflict was actually fairly balanced and recognised Jewish self determination and being indigenous to the levant, and then he deleted it, apologised, and started erasing Jewish history because he thought he could bend to these people’s will. His account prides itself on being informed and factual and fair, and yet he pulls a stunt like that, and I can only imagine how much worse he’s gotten since I deleted tiktok

We all knew that this would happen. The harassers knew it would, at least in their subconscious. It was only him who didn’t. They’ve pushed him to the very edge because now the baseline for being like them is to view the Shoah as a couple thousand people dying for basically being Christians, and it’s made special because they were white, and now that he’s stepped out of line a little they are coming for him. Maybe it’ll snap him out of being an idiot who sells out his own people so that he can be seen as a good person instead of like, actually being a good person. But he’ll probably just try to curry their favour again and fail over and over and over. Idk. It’s a weirdly gratifying but also incredibly depressing thing to see that what you predicted was going to happen was exactly right

(and I know some idiots are going to try to twist this into saying ‘you think fundraising for Palestinians is evil!!!’ because the anons you get are absolutely deranged. That’s not my problem with him or his account, wanting to fundraise for families is great and, as long as they’re verifiably real, it’s a good way to directly help people without their aid being taken away and siphoned off by Hamas. My problem with him is that in an effort to be the token Good Jew tm he completely revises history, spreads propaganda and false info, and vilifies every point of Israel’s life as a state. Plus he can’t even pronounce his own name right lol)

100% with everything you said.

I don't think you are a bad person for having a sense of "I told you so" towards what he is experiencing. It sucks and no jew should experience antisemitism, however two things can be true at once.

Its only natural to feel almost a sense of vindication, a "see look, I told you all this was going to happen and none of you listened to me and now you're suffering too"

I also agree that he will likely bend to their favor. He has shown some backbone in regards to his apology video where he stood behind his original message but apologized if his wording was off and re-worded his statement. This is all my assumption as I am not in his head, but I feel like his backbone on this came from sheer disbelief that face eating leopards ate his face. We may see this end up as a turning point where he stops pandering, or he might continue to pander either out of wanting to be accepted or because of other commitments like Ayame. She might not want to continue to make content with him due to the backlash and boom there goes his biggest series + a potential relationship as I'm unsure if it's just for views or if they are genuinely interested in each other.

[evansbby]

GIRLIE GIRLIE GIRLIE LISTEN LISTEN LISTEN. I HAVE AN IDEA FOR A REQUEST.

[Its also 03:57AM and I’m crying my eyes out, so I might regret this when I woke up lolllll]

Hear me out, hear me out, hear me out. See the visionnnnn. So, this is my request:

Sugar daddy!Ari AU. This is a little after the reader becomes his girlfriend. The reader hasn’t really gotten it into her head that she’s not just his sugar baby, but she’s his love, so she tends to hide her feelings and pain and raw emotions from him because she wants to sort of keep up the image of her being his sexy personal nymphomaniac because she thinks he’ll leave if she’s real with him.

So let’s say, something happened. Maybe an argument with her terrible family or her shitty friends gossip about her or she’s burnt out from taking care of others or someone shames her for something, idk, you’re the author, you decide what happens, but anyways.

Something happens that made her extremely sad and miserable, but she’s trying to hide her feelings from Ari, she pretends everything is fine (it’s not lol), she’s acting a little weird cos she’s trying to keep up appearances so that he won’t dismiss and discard her, etc. But Ari, being her daddy and the smart motherfucker he is, knows that something is wrong with his precious girl.

So basically, shit goes down with her and Ari and he soft doms her (maybe a little hard dom too) and comforts her and reassures her that she’s his girl and not just a plaything and all that lovey dovey shit. Oh, and aftercare lol! Only if you want to.

This probably could’ve been said in fewer words, but I’m crying my eyes out and it’s a little cathartic to type this out lol, sorryyyy. Thank youuuu! Love your writing!

Oh I would love to read this 😭😭😭

But you see I’m insane so I need to make it more sad so if I were to write this…

I’d make it so that reader is very insecure and she thinks she’s not good enough to be Ari’s girlfriend (kind of along the lines of what you said) and she thinks she’s only good enough for sex bc she has zero feelings of self worth 🤧🤧🤧 and no matter what Ari says or does to reassure her and uplift her, she just doesn’t believe him😔😔

And she keeps pushing herself away from him, bc she thinks he deserves better bc he’s such a nice guy and it’s not a normal sugar daddy relationship bc Ari doesn’t even expect sex from her (although they do have great amazing perfect sex) but Ari just loves talking to her all night, getting to know her interests, buying her special gifts that match her interests… And reader is overwhelmed bc she’s sooo insecure and she thinks she doesn’t deserve this happiness. She’s scared of letting herself be happy in case Ari “wakes up” one day and realises he can do better and leaves her🥲 (he wouldn’t but she thinks he will).

So then one day she gets so overwhelmed that she breaks up with him impulsively. But we all know what a strong mature wise perfect daddy Ari is, so he’d be like “let’s talk this out” and she bursts into tears and tells him that he deserves better and that she’s broken and she needs to go away so he can start living his life instead of always worrying about her 🥲🥲🥲 and Ari tells her that he’s in love with her and he couldn’t live without her and then they have sex 🥺🥺🥺 where Ari is being a soft dom and sooo perfect and sexy and reader needed this bc she needs him to tell her what to do so she can relax and stop worrying. Her mind never turns off during the day and she’s wracked with insecurities and fear, but with Ari… he lets her mind go blank so she doesn’t need to think, and she feels okay.

But then she’s up all night and Ari is asleep and she watches him and all her insecurities come back and she thinks that he deserves better and he can’t spend his whole life with her as a burden just bc she’s so insecure all the time 🥲🥲

So she leaves… without a note or a phone call or anything. In fact, she moves far away to live with a distant relative and deletes her social media. Ari calls her and texts her every single day, begging her to pick up or come back etc and she changes her phone number 🥲🥲🥲 some of her friends tell her that Ari is miserable and he’s still looking for her and waiting for her but she hopes he will move on soon.

Anyways then reader starts working on herself, she gets a job in an industry she likes and she makes some new friends. She starts seeing a therapist and slowly, bit by bit, her confidence starts to grow. She realises she deserves love as much as anyone else does. And she misses Ari so much bc he really was the love of her life 🥹🥹 it’s been a whole year now and one day she decides she wants to see him again. She wants to try again and hopefully he’d be open to getting back together with her.

She shows up at his door with Chinese takeaway (their favourite meal they’d have together) and Ari answers the door and he’s shocked to see her. And she says she thinks she’s all whole again, she thinks she’s fixed and she’d like to give it a try with him once more. And she got food 🍲

But then she looks beyond his shoulder and sees another girl. And Chinese takeaway already on the table. He’s moved on. She’s heartbroken. But she smiles and tells him she’s happy for him. He tries to stop her but she leaves.

THE END 😭😭😭😭

[pokedext]

Toxic positivity is real. I feel like I’m seeing more as a lot of ppl forget friendships are a two way street. Like sometimes your self care is leaning too heavy into selfish and address that. Feels like so many young ppl want life to just be good vibes and no rain. A good friendship has support and jokes. It doesn’t mean drain yourself. But legit had a person go off about needing a warning for injections. I’m thinking okay you asked and I answered… I’ll humor this situation it’s not that bad. Deleted the comment and amended to not mention it ever again without a warning. Regretted it because they proceeded to go off how my whole hospital stuff is uncomfortable. I set off on them at that point. Im sorry you asked about it you can’t be mad. Sorry the answer was a surprise life is not just a trigger warning in advance. That’s just not possible for everything. I have no idea what will set someone off. I promise it was more trauma to go to the hospital then you having to hear about it. All I said is I went to the hospital for my spinal pain cause I had cardiac issues/paralysis. It is scary but it’s just a sentence. This person has never had to deal with anything like that and it’s offensive they feel their comfort should be a consideration for something they asked about. Like just be a supportive person. Just feel compassion or something that I lived that instead of talk about the thought of it bothering your mental health. I didn’t ask you for therapy on it I have a therapist/pysch for it. Where do you think my mental health was? Fuck these type of ppl. Your self care/toxic positivity are blinders for easy living. But the friends I appreciate most we give equal support/listen when we can, and don’t start this kind crap with each other. If they are that emotionally bothered they could have made it come across a lot less callous then they did. I didn’t bring it up. Why am I punished for answering and the answer being uncomfortable. Like mentally address life might have some uncomfortable conversations. I didn’t need help, I just answered a question grow a spine and a heart. Im just depressed enough as it is I try to just vent to the void/therapist/pysch/chronic pain groups because this type of thinking is common unfortunately. I also do understand it’s a lot to process. But I didn’t get too much into the grit of it. Ppl just don’t want to think about problems outside their own these days. It’s fucking toxic. I think I need to rearrange my friendships. I have friends I love hanging out with. Got a friend we pick a place to eat and do vent sessions. We get along great. Have fun too. Idk where to find ppl. The ppl I have that are great like that for support are like 30+ years. Is it just young ppl that don’t have the emotional capacity to be adults with other adults? Do I need to limit the amount of young ppl I hang around with the uptrend of this self focus culture. Am I wrong? Am I overacting? Do I have shitty friends?

[punkinvsblogging]

I keep forgetting that I have now already made it to my “Fuck allatt, Ima do what I want” era. Idk if one can even call it an era, because I’m just going to do whatever I can to live the rest of my life this way. I hope I don’t give up.

I’ve already wasted too much time trying to do all the hard stuff just to stay alive. It’s not about that anymore, and I think I’m willing to struggle to just do what I want forever. I can’t turn off depression, anxiety, or chronic illness, so there are gonna be times when I’m unsure and not doing so good, and that’s never gonna stop, but I just don’t see myself going back and doing what I’m sUpPoSeD tO dO to make money and make a living anymore. It’s not worth it, and I never could in the first place. I fell into a trap when I was a kid. I let all of these adults tell me I had to go to CoLlEgE and get a ReAl JoB and do all kinds of stuff, and that screwed me over so hard?? Sometimes, I do think about how I’ve wAsTeD tImE but it’s too late now?? I can’t go back and change anything anyway??

There are still times when I question things, and ask people what they think, because the anxiety just doesn’t turn off, no matter how many times I ask it. And I’ve been trained to not believe in myself and to not believe that things can work out. I’ve been trained to think that there really is no other way. But today might have been the first time I phrased it like, “I’m thinking about doing this thing. What do you think? I’m going to do it anyway, but what do you think?”

It wasn’t until recently that I realized that a lot of people are just scared. I’m mad that so many of us are in a position where we have to feel that way, and I get why people are like, “No. Don’t do that. Don’t fOlLoW yOuR dReAmS or do any of the things you want to do because it’s not safe.” And it’s NOT, and that is AWFUL, but I just can’t do this anymore. I let it go on for too long. I’m dying anyway. We all are. All the money I’d save on a shitty job wouldn’t even pay for whatever is needed to cover whatever it costs to die anyway lol

Idk if any of this makes sense? I am kinda dizzy and tired and dehydrated lol I hope I didn’t say anything mean. This is another thing I’ll have to delete later and be anxious about.

[w-i-l-d-f-l-0-w-e-r]

I hope that nothing bad happens this time.

(I don’t even want to write this because I don’t want to breathe bad energy into the air. I’m too tired to write in my physical book and I’m not going to be a psycho on social media where people know me.)

Okay so anyways — I genuinely am so excited for all the things to actually happen…

But last time, you promised. You promised that you wanted me. You promised that we would have each other. You might not have that recollection because you deleted our texts every night 😞 God — I spent so much time on the fucking phone with you. Distracted from the things right in front of me.

And then all of a sudden, i was alone. And confused ;; for so fucking long.

But there was always some comfort in knowing that whenever it got to be too much, I could at least reach out if I really had to — I could at least text you or call you —when I was feeling especially shitty over it all…. Or if I really needed you in general.

But I never did (kind of proud of myself on that one because it crossed my mind a lot).

And then six months later I found out I was straight blocked the whole time. Fuck idk, such a slap in the face. Especially because. I never reached out — I wanted to. But I didn’t. God I’m glad I didn’t because I would’ve felt like such a lame POS 😭

I realized while I was typing that out that I’ve been here before. I’ve written similar words before. I’ve ignored what people call “red flags” before — for the sake of loving someone SO fucking much. And hoping & convincing myself that they would eventually love me the same way.

“Not now, but in the future”.

I started this spiel being a little salty, even though our conversation ended on a more-than-good note.

I’m just terrified because I can’t control my heart. And you’ll follow your brain wherever it goes.

I love you forever anyways.

(I hope the universe proves to me that I’m not the dumbest fucking fuck on the planet)

[frostmoths]

Might regret posting this. cw alcohol, suicide ideation

Let me preface by saying I wrote this, and a much more emo version before, over the course of a week, and I’m feeling a little better now. It comes and goes. It's everything I’ve been handling since late May, and I want to open up about it.

I have extreme depression and recent happenings have tipped the scale to make me nearly non-functional. I started therapy and medication a year ago because of the world’s most passive-aggressive rejection. I’m way worse now. I’m on my third med and if what happened Sunday (I was very ill) was a side effect, I’m going to have to quit it too. I don’t believe in antidepressants as a cure-all and I’ve only been conceding because I’m tired of wanting to lay down and die. Not kms necessarily, just stop hurting. Though I’ve got like 10 bottles of various prescription insomnia meds which don’t do any good on their own, so maybe if I take them all at once

One weeknight in early June I tried to drink myself to passing out and forgetting what broke my heart. Instead I threw up and went to work the next day hung over. And it was an embarrassingly small amount to drink. Just that it was cheap and I had it on an empty stomach because I was too enraged to make dinner. I haven’t had alcohol since. I dumped out what was left. 

My idiot father, who has dementia, has taken to dragging his guns around everywhere because he’s paranoid they’ll be stolen, and gets angry if he's confronted about it. I’ve alerted several authorities but unless my mother complies, nothing will be done. She won’t because she’s also insane. In May I had a full nervous breakdown expecting me or my cats to get murdered. It was probably the breaking point for my short-lived girlfriend dumping me two days later. Once again my shitty family has ruined any chance of happiness for me. 

When I saw a pistol on his chairside table the other day, instead of blind panic, I felt nothing. I kind of hoped it was loaded and he’d do it, so everything would stop.

My new house is a shitshow and I got ripped off. I have approximately 6 hours a week to work on it and zero help so I’m still not moved in. At this point I hope to sell it after a couple of years of improvements (if I can afford them), get my money back, then maybe flee this godforsaken country and go live in the mountains in. Fucking Iceland. idk. My mother promised assistance for certain things and took it back because that’s what she does. I’m about ready to cut her out of my life.

I can barely eat without getting sick in one way or another. I no longer enjoy things like cooking, EDM, watching anime, and, worst of all, writing. Last month I started poking at [redacted]’s outline as a way to keep my head above water, only to realize it’s way more vague than I remember and that some parts make no damn sense. This is a thing I’ve been bragging about for 3 years as proof that I know what I’m doing, so I feel like a fool. I deleted everything I ever posted about it on my sideblog. I’m tempted to wipe what’s started off AO3. Tempted to delete the entire account tbh, too many memories which are too raw right now. I’m not a skilled writer and the pros (plural) were right to call me out on it last year. And this has been the one thing about myself I was confident in my entire life, that I was banking on making a career now that I finally, finally have my own house with peace and quiet, and now I can see I was fucking delusional. I give up.

My therapist says I have trauma and that I never healed from what happened in 2020 (not Covid-related). I can only see her every 5-6 weeks because she’s that booked. She said she argued with administration because she can't focus on her current patients but they keep throwing new ones at her. Kind of like my job. Everyone everywhere is overworked.

To cope I’ve been indulging in something that’s frowned upon — not a substance abuse thing, but an ethical thing? I guess? Among creatives. I don’t care because it helps me. My psych and my therapist both told me to seek supplemental therapy in between appointments. I think they had something more like b*tterh*lp in mind, but that’s a proven pyramid scheme so lol no thanks. Psychology books and imaginary friends it is.

My employer is closed today and tomorrow for the holiday, and I’m on vacation next week. Much-needed extended time off for me. If I don’t make headway on the house then I don’t know what. I didn’t want to spend my one week off a year moving in the middle of fucking summer during the worst heat on record. At one point I had much more pleasant plans but that’s no longer happening and I can’t think about it. I can’t, but I still do. 

I wanted this house to be my success story. Having worked hard, she rescued herself, escaped her toxic family with her fur sons and flourished creatively, healthfully, and romantically. All was well. The reality is that I was likely conned as a first-time single homebuyer and I'm so mentally ill now that I may not be able to meet the demands of maintaining a 70 year old house with nonworking appliances I can't afford to replace, let alone my own well-being. How did I get myself into this. 

There's one last-ditch effort I can make to pull myself through, but not properly until I move. It sounds like a lame excuse and it probably is, but whatever. Better later than never. However, I tried this last fall, went too hard too fast and burned out after 4 months. I threw a lot of money away doing it. I keep hearing push yourself, go intense, you'll never get there with baby steps but I also think you have to take baby steps if you're starting from zero because otherwise you'll burn out? I'm so tired of conflicting information everywhere. One tells me one thing, another says that's wrong. I can't trust anyone. 

There are a couple of other things I’m looking forward to trying more than exercise. Which are probably less healthy for me. Who is going to stop me. hashtag yolo

I keep telling myself it won’t be this way forever. Just like summer. It comes around once a year, it feels like death, and then there’s relief. But it’ll happen again and again. Just like summer. You have to adapt.

I'm glad pride month is over. I don't know what I'm supposed to be so proud of.

[mirkwoodmunson]

ok oh jeeze oh man this is late — gonna try and make this thought explosion comprehensible i have Things to Say

so i started this blog in i think… june? july? of ‘22, was a big fan of stranger things from the beginning but it wasn’t until eddie that i wanted to participate in fandom. i haven’t been really like, Part of a fandom since bbc sherlock, where i was a writer and gif maker and interacted a lot (until i accidentally deleted my Entire Blog but that’s a whole other thing). after that, after school, i really lost any joy that i found in being creative. i stopped writing, which is something i’ve enjoyed doing since i was a kid, but again certain factors took that joy away from me.

and then! season 4 st! eddie! a muse! i wanted to write again! so after being a silent reblogger for some years i made this side blog, i started reading again (fanfiction, but Still), and more so i wanted to write again. so i did! and you folks, you all made me feel so fucking welcome right off the bat; even though i’m not very vocal aside from writing and reblogging (and occasionally being Unhinged in the tags), it felt like i’d found a new community to enjoy something with. i’d separated from my dnd family in 2019 on top of a generally Really Shitty year and so finding a new group later on that was as welcoming and kind was like, a massive blast of joy during a time when i was really struggling mentally. you are all so beautiful and wonderful and i thank you all for being so supportive — not just of me but of all the fantastic creators this fandom has. there’s ups and downs, sure — some folks that are fans of discourse — but for me, all i’ve seen is kindness and joy and friends finding friends, and it’s so wonderful.

idk man i just — i am so thankful to you all. thank you for being supportive, for being funny and kind, for uplifting each other, for being such a welcoming community, for everything. i have so much more i feel i want to say but, y’know, my brain ain’t work right i just have so many feelings

and um. THANK YOU FOR 1K????? i hit it just before the end of the year and….. waow 😩 thank you all so much.

(this is by no means a complete list of folks i’d like to thank nor is it in any particular order — if you’re not mentioned here and you’re someone i’ve interacted with or you’ve enjoyed my fics please know i appreciate and thank you deeply from the bottom of my heart ❤️🫶)

@knucklehoagie ; @neversky ; @reysorigins ; @ghosttownwherenoonegoes ; @quinndjarin ; @beep-beep-sherlock ; @perfectlysunny02 ; @missbeewrites ; @jennathearcher ; @jessicambaker ; @simping-over-boys-with-trauma ; @munsonology ; @angel-upon ; @sparks363 ; @iamyourblackwidow

you folks have kept me writing and inspired and you’re some of the most amazing people i’ve had the privilege of knowing through fandom (or if we haven’t interacted i’ve at least seen you a lot in my notes ❤️), i thank you genuinely and wholeheartedly. i hope you all and your loved ones — as well as anyone not mentioned, anyone who might be reading this — have an incredible new year that is filled with joy and love and kindness 🫶❤️🫶

[the1975attheirverybest]

Let's assume Matty is with non-celebrity girl and people created some kinda false hurtful rumour online and it made her upset or smth, how you think he would handle this

Oh, I think this would happen like frequently! Look at how shitty Twitter was for the time that he was in NYC and being pictured with women and stuff. I think, anyone who’d be with him would have to grow accustomed to it, otherwise it’d create some problems in their relationship. Idk maybe I’m insecure and the average woman wouldn’t be as affected by it as I imagine, but it just seems like a LOT to have to go through.

BUT, of course the first few times that it happens, it’d be really difficult and he would have to put himself in her shoes to understand. Cuz, as he always says in interviews, he grew up around tabloid drama via his parents so he’s kind of learned to be bored by it and tune it out. Someone who doesn’t have that kind of history might not react the same way. He’d have to reassure and tell her that it doesn’t matter what people say, they’ll get bored and find someone new to gossip about tomorrow, he knows and loves the REAL HER not her innocence or reputation. He’d give her his classic “the truth with always out” speech. He’d help her delete the apps off her phone if she decides she wants to.

Though I feel like she might primarily need to go to someone like George or Adam or Ross who would understand better. 1) because they know what’s it’s like to get that kind of attention as adults and not have dealt with it their whole lives 2) because they know what it’s like to be under scrutiny through being associated with Matty and his own chaos sort of sprinkling onto them and 3) because Matty’s relationship with fame is so specific, like, he admits to actively googling himself sometimes. I don’t think she’d wanna do that, haha.

Does that make sense?

[im-still-watching-anime]

gotta be honest it’s 8am and i haven’t slept and maybe i’m overreacting but i am so tired of having to get upset over this blog because i really do adore this blog

like i understand my posts are all silly and ooc and just for funsies without any deep meaning but it still feels really fucking bad when people steal them almost word for word without any sort of credit. like the LEAST you could do is repurpose them for a different show or set of characters! i usually can handle that even when it’s not sourced but literally just presenting my posts almost exactly as i posted them with the same fandom and characters just really makes me feel like shit. i understand it’s the internet and it happens and i don’t want to start any drama or directly call anyone out but seriously this blog is legitimately one of the very few things in my life that i don’t have to worry about making me unhappy

—but now it just is making me unhappy because, as much as it pains me to admit (sarcasm), i DO put a lot of thought and effort into my posts. there’s a reason i don’t post very often - half because honestly i’m busy and don’t get to be online 24/7 and ALSO because even though my posts are short i still take time to come up with them, format them, and adjust the wording which somehow makes it feel EXTRA shitty when you copy my post and then “fix” the wording to be better. like i KNOW a lot of my posts are silly and don’t get that many notes but i’m not putting effort in for clout or whatever i’m doing it because i genuinely enjoy it and love doing it so watching other people literally post my stuff for the exact opposite purpose feels really gross and just makes me want to go back and delete everything.

idk i might just be tired and overreacting this just isn’t even the first time i’ve seen this happen and this one was especially blatant about it being their ~original idea~ that it just kind of hurt WAY more than it should and i just feel awful now im sorry if you had to read all this i am just Tired.

[xanofmercia]

Hmmm, interesting. Thanks for your take!

For me, the reason why I like “shittier draft” is because it gives me permission to do it badly. Almost like… “I *meant* to do it that way”. Sure, I’ll be pleasantly surprised if I come back to edit and find some gems there, but “shitty” is a vibe for me more than just a quality or moral judgment, so I expect it to seem rough around the edges and let myself do more experimenting or “good enough” stopgaps to get it done. Whereas “worst version” actually feels… to me, the same way “shittiest” feels to you! Like that’s not a vibe; that’s just a statement of quality. The worst version. It doesn’t matter that it’s relative; it still feels really bad even if it’s true. Calling something a “worst version” or “worst draft” would actually sap all of my motivation and morale to work on it.

All this is to say, it’s really interesting how different words can have massively different impacts on different people, even if we agree on their definitions.

Anyway, part of it might be things like.. I’ll say “oh this is so shitty but I love it”. The word with respect to quality kind of evokes grittiness, like “oh this isn’t smooth but the potential is there. Shaping and honing it will be fun but so is just getting it out there.” Whereas I’d never say “this is the worst but I love it.” To me “worst” carries more of a sense of… “irredeemable”, even though that doesn’t necessarily logically follow.

Also “shitty”, when I say it about my own work, doesn’t really bother me at all. It has no harmful impact and instead just lowers my expectations, which makes the process more fun. Slapping a “shitty” label onto something lets me know that this is the “quantity over quality” zone where I can dick around with things.

“it just needs to be done” doesn’t really work because it’s a mouthful and also not an adjective. It’s also not accurate! It implies I’m just trying to get it over with, like the process is a struggle but as long as it’s done that’s good. When I’m doing something shitty, the process isn’t a struggle. It’s just deliberately not trying to be good. And that feels a lot more fun! Whereas the “done version” (idk what one would call it) makes it sound like a boring slog that I definitely wouldn’t want to keep working on.

I’d never heard of “zero draft” before your post and checked out your posts on it. It sounds interesting and I’m really glad there are people it works for, but WOW that could not be me! I don’t even number my drafts at all, usually; I edit as part of the writing process (I.e. go back to read a previous scene to refresh myself on what the vibe was and where I left off, only to end up revising the scene because there are parts that need work). So it’s all one continuous first-to-final thing, until I’m at least halfway through and a really huge change comes up, and then I make a new file so it’s easier to delete big chunks and replace them. But if it isn’t halfway through, then I just move the big chunk to a section called “deleted scenes” and write the new chunk right there, making it still part of the same draft. Now that I think about it, I don’t actually use “shittiest version” at all, so oops on misleading! I’ll just classify works as “this one is ‘shitty’”, as shorthand for “this one has absolutely zero expectations, do whatever you want, write it all in dialogue if you want, or do half of it in comic sans”. And others as “no this one is actually good, so you have to be in a more serious mindset to do it, and it’ll be slower because you’re being a lot more deliberate and planning what to do, and also the structure of the plot is already in place and the style is already set so you’ll have to match both until it’s done and you start editing”. For those, I don’t actually like “playing” or experimenting, because that’ll just slow things down. I’ll come back to it and find it doesn’t fit, or it made the story way longer than I wanted it to be, and the extra length isn’t doing anything. So it needs to be tight. And I know some people hate writing immediately like that, since “that’s what editing is for”, but I don’t mind doing that sometimes; it’s a different form of fun for me. I’ll still go back and edit afterwards, but being deliberate from the very start is challenging and interesting in a different way than… being shitty 😅

I'm so glad Tumblr brought me across the guy who won't let people talk bad about their singing voices because I am his sister in another artistic line.

"It's my shitty draft."

No! It's not shitty, it's just early in the writing/rewriting process!

[x3rrorx]

Hi love. I come across you on twitter a lot and obviously like your blog here. I do really think you are probably a good person and you actually seem kind. I am sorry that you get a lot of shit thrown at you.

I just want to say (and i do genuinely mean this kindly) i saw the tweet about how someone said if anyone follows you they should unfollow/ block them and how everyone came for you about you not liking the tweet that other person made where they dm’d Noah egging him on to delete. Babe i do think it was a bit obvious that her tweet was a joke and i do think it’s safe to say that her sending him that wasn’t the reason he deleted everything. Even if he has deleted everything because it’s overwhelming Noah is notoriously known for liking a joke/ dark humour so i really doubt he would have been offended even if he did actually see it. I’m just saying (to save yourself from more shit coming at you) maybe next time check out the persons profile and see if they do typically talk shit/ make jokes. Also maybe consider if it really is a big deal? U know what i mean? Again i really am not trying to come for you. You don’t even need to post or respond to this I’m just tryna help

Again, the shit you cop does actually make me sad to see sometimes xx

I never assumed the “message to Noah” was the reason he deleted his IG.

It might have been obvious to some, guess it was to me or my group. It just wasn’t. And that’s fine if it was a joke. But they never expressed that until after they decided they wanted to bitch at me for my feelings on it.

Sorry but I found all that super unnecessary when all the OP had to do was say “hey it was me and it was a joke, just photoshopped”. But they instead shitty things and when I started just sending GIFs at my responds they got more shitty. Like I never insulted any of them or picked at them. Yet that was their way of “handling” it. It was just completely unnecessary. Didn’t need to happen and could have been handled differently. Idk if they just wanted to pick a fight or what, but like always, somehow it was me that was picking the fight. Like whatever man. Just say it was fake and a joke and shut up. It truly WASN’T that serious.

And it wasn’t ever a “gotta defend Noah cause Noah can’t do it himself” that people like to throw around anytime someone has a personal opinion against something. I thought it was shitty (thinking it was real).

I’ve got bitched at for lesser shit that I’ve just tagged the dudes in. But people were defending that. Idk I feel people really just pick and choose when to bash on someone based on who they’re defending.

[rhysismydaddy]

Unholy Matrimony Pt. 1 (Nessian)

Nesta’s part of the Damnation Series.

OOF this took so long sorry. I rewrote it, changed it, then deleted it entirely about 9 times. I literally started writing the version before you, from scratch, on Sunday. All parts are linked below, so I’m only tagging people on this version! To go to the next chapter, there is also a link at the bottom <3

ALSO, an important caviat: Nesta is an only child in this one! I originally wrote it for her to be adopted and not know it, but it wasn’t really relevant to the story, so... idk. Just ignore that plot hole I guess.

Parts 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 -- pls like each part I’m insecure

______________________________________________

~Cassian~

“You’re getting married.”

The glass of bourbon halfway to my mouth pauses, because despite being known for being rash and unpredictable, even I’m surprised by the sudden change in conversation.

My eyebrows raise as I look over at Rhysand, my best friend and Capo, trying to figure out if this bastard is serious. His tone says he is, but that doesn’t make sense, because before a few seconds ago, the word “marriage” was in neither of our vocabularies.

He’s been single for as long as I have, although I’m starting to suspect he’s got a bird in the city. He’s too damn happy these days, and the other day I saw him laugh at something on his phone.

Which is weird, because we both know long-term commitments don’t really do well with our lifestyle.

We were raised to not give a shit about anything except the job. We kill without remorse, live in the shadows, and whatever other shitty euphemism you want to use. Settling down in some suburban, picket-fence prison has absolutely no appeal to Made Men.

Don’t get me wrong, most of us get married at some point. But never for love.

Some men choose a bride that’s pretty and sweet. Someone who will donate to charity and help clean up their image. Governors’ daughters, women from old-money families, and social princesses make up this category.

Some men marry to advance their station in the Family. Second sons who will never inherit the business marry daughters of Underbosses to get a nice boost to their status.

And then there’s the ones who are forced to marry by their capo--ie. me-- so they choose whatever attractive woman that’s in the Family and available. Those are always the happiest.

But regardless of the reasoning, marriage in the mafia is heartless, political, and for me, unnecessary.

I know I’ll have to pick someone eventually, but there aren’t a whole lot of desirable options at the moment. Not many of the other Underbosses have daughters that are over the age of fifteen right now, and I have no interest in doing the child-bride thing.

Plus, there’s no way I’d marry someone outside of the family. At my rank, it isn’t an option.

That leaves... a widow?

The only one I know is Ianthe, and considering I highly suspect she killed her last husband and the fact that she’s crazy, there’s no way in hell I’d legally bind myself to her for life.

So he must be joking.

I take a pull from my cigar and look over at Rhys with narrowed eyes. “Uh huh. Sure. To who, exactly?”

“Volchonok.”

The Wolf Cub.

The cigar snaps in my fingers.

“You’re fucking kidding,” I say, honestly hoping that’s the case. He’s either that or insane, and I’d hate to lock someone who’s like a brother to me in a padded room.

Rhysand’s unflinching gaze doesn’t change, but his tone morphs from that of my friend to my boss. “You will marry her, Cassian.”

“She’s a fucking Russian,” I spit, not understanding. That should be reason enough for him to be joking.

In our world, being Russian is a crime similar to stabbing the Pope.

We’ve been at war over New York with them ever since they decided to try and get a stronghold on the east coast, and I’ve killed more of them than I can fucking count. Now I’m marrying one?

“Yes, she is, and so is her father, Alexei Olov.” Aka the Bratva Boss responsible for blowing up half of St. Petersburg last year when the local police refused to buy his weapons. “You will marry her, move to New York full time, and run the city with her by your side.”

“Why? Two or three more years, and we’ll have the city anyway.” Every day the Russians get weaker, and I’ve been responsible for pushing them out of my city block by block.

So there has to be a reason we’re suddenly okay with the enemy.

Rhysand sighs. “It was his idea, not mine. Orlov has agreed to sell our coke in Moscow and Seattle instead of his usual dealer and will supply us all the weapons we need for five years. There will also be no more midnight raids, bullshit arrests on bullshit charges, or missing shipments. He’s offering you a dowry, too.”

I don’t need his money, but the old fashioned term makes me laugh.

“Yeah? And how much does he think his wolf cub is worth?”

His lips twitch. “Ten million.”

“She must be a real pain in the ass, then, if he’s going to pay me that much to take her,” I chuckle.

Not that ten million dollars is anything but pocket change for the man. Orlov may be losing the fight in New York, but the bastard is richer than sin. 

Selling arms to half of the entire world will do that to a person.

“I hear she’s beautiful,” he says, trying to tempt me to not fight him.

“Then you marry her,” I shoot back, not ready to give up the argument.

“I don’t feel like it.” Fucking typical. Rhysand sighs. “You and I both know we can work this deal to our advantage, so what will make you say yes?”

He could order to me to say yes and I’d have to, but he hates enforcing that kind of authority with me.

So I think it over, make a show of lighting a new cigar. “I want Sera.”

It’s a burlesque club in New York I’ve always been a little envious of, owned by Orlov and operated by his men. I’d tried to buy it a few years back but hadn’t had enough leverage on the Russian to strongarm him into selling.

Now I do.

Rhysand--the only one who knows about my failed attempt to buy the place--nods and tells me he’ll make it happen.

“When’s all this happening, anyway?”

He looks like he might laugh. “Wedding is in a month, but she’s flying in tomorrow night.”

A quick laugh forces its way out of me. Also typical of him to give me absolutely no time to change my mind.

Well, I have a month. That’s already longer than any relationship I’ve ever had. 

Sighing, I stand and shake his hand, cementing the deal before I can even lament the loss of my bachelorhood.

~Nesta~

“Chto sluchilos?”

I slide my gaze to my father, because seriously, that’s the stupidest fucking question I’ve ever heard. 

What’s wrong? What’s wrong? Everything.

“Nichego,” I lie, assuring him for what feels like the tenth time as I look out the window. The plane picks up speed and lifts off, taking me towards an uncertain future, an uncertain place.

I might have told him nothing’s wrong, but inside, I’m screaming.

Three days ago, I woke up to find a marriage contract on the pillow beside me. There was a blank space where my name had been typed and a pen waiting for me to remedy that.

I still haven’t.

I’m not signing anything until I meet this... Cassian. 

God, what an Italian name.

An image springs to mind, one of a slumped-over, hairy-chest beast with slicked back hair and a gold chain. 

I know it’s stereotypical and hopefully incorrect, but I’ve never been to Italy and Alexei strictly forbids me watching movies that portray Italians as anything except revolting. 

But looks aside, there’s one thing I don’t need to guess to know. 

My future husband will be like all the other men in my life: controlling.

Men in the world I live in take what they want, don’t ask for permission, and feel like they’re entitled to anything and everything. I’ve dealt with it my entire life, so it’s more amusing than anything at this point.

I guess I’m a bit non-traditional in that sense, considering most of the women around me have no problems taking orders from their fathers or husbands. But Alexei and I figured out pretty early in life that wasn’t going to work for me.

As he frequently likes to tell me, I started telling him to fuck off when I was five.

What did he expect? All the kids I hung out with were the opposite sex and at least five years older than me, so my vocabulary and mannerisms became pretty... colorful early on.

Regardless, I’m just not looking forward to having to deal with yet another man who thinks he can control me.

“Ty vresh',” Alexei accuses, lips twitching. You’re lying. 

“Konechno.” Of course. 

Of course I’m upset, but I understand what’s happening. I might have found out about it three days ago, but I’ve known it was coming for far longer.

As the only child of the great Alexei Orlov, Wolf of Moscow and Pakhan of the Russian Bratva, I’ve been told my entire life that I will one day be used as a pawn to gain more power.

It would--should--piss me off, but I’ve also been told I’m to one day take my father’s place and run his company.

So by gaining more power for him, I’m also doing the same for myself.

Not that I really give a shit about that kind of thing. I started officially working for Alexei years ago, and I already have enough money saved to never have to work again. 

But in the Bratva, there’s no getting out. I was put in this world by birth, and the only thing that will take me out is death. 

In case it isn’t obvious, I’m not a typical business woman. 

My father is an arms-dealer. 

A less than legal one, if you believe the heinous lies the media spreads about him.

He sells weapons to governments, private armies, and whoever the fuck else has the money to buy. 

He’s also built himself a shipping empire to haul said weapons around the globe, runs the drugs and prostitute rings in Moscow, and has enough real estate to rival most small countries.

It probably sounds like I don’t care, and that’s because I don’t. 

I like what I do in the sense that I have a mind for business. I went to business school and graduated at the top of my class, and I enjoy running the clubs and hotels I have. Trained by Alexei himself, I’m ruthless in negotiations, enough so that people started calling me the Wolf Cub by the time I was twenty. 

But despite being good at it, I’m not particularly fond of the aspect most people think of when they picture my career in the Bratva. I detest drugs, have never hired a prostitute, and don’t really enjoy selling arms to bad people. 

The alleyway meetups, the broken bones and bullet holes, and the blown up houses are all a little tiring to me.

Sure, it sounds exciting. And for a while, it was. I used to lose myself in the chaos, used to enjoy coming home with busted knuckles. But I honestly just got tired of it.

Right now, I don’t have to deal with it as much because Alexei’s still alive. But when he dies and I officially take over the family business, I’ll have to be more involved. Even if the thought makes me want to sigh.

I pull out my laptop and look over the financial report for Sera, my newest club in New York. As predicted, everything’s running smoothly. 

I turn the laptop around to show my father, grinning when he pulls out his reading glasses and leans closer. 

“Starik,” I tease. Old man. 

He flicks my forehead, then reads the report and nods. Then he turns to his phone, probably playing Angry Birds or some shit, and leaves me to work.

The plane ride goes by quickly, and by the time we’ve landed in Chicago, I’ve gotten ahead on my schedule for next week, slept, and changed into what I’ve chosen as the “meeting my future husband” dress.

It’s simple and sleek, the black material clinging to my curves without being obscene. It’s long enough to hide the holster on my thigh, not that I feel in any danger with four personal guards stationed near me at all times.

My heels click as I make my way down the plane stairs and across the tarmac to the waiting sedan, and once my luggage and belongings are unloaded, we head to the Italian Capo’s house.

We’re meeting here, finalizing the contract, and then Cassian and I are flying to New York. 

My new home.

“Try to look happy,” Alexei tells me, his heavily accented English almost ridiculous to hear. He speaks English only when he’s in the states, and considering he hasn’t come here since I graduated B school two years ago, he’s a little out of practice.

“I’m ecstatic,” I say, intentionally using a word I know he doesn’t understand.

His eyes narrow, because it isn’t the first time I’ve used this trick, but he doesn’t call me out on it. We continue to ride in ecstatic silence, eventually pulling up in front of the Capo’s... house.

It’s almost obscene to call it that, considering it’s fucking huge. Like obnoxiously huge.

I heave a sigh, step out of the car, and take in my surroundings. The neighborhood’s quiet, likely filled with friends of the Cosa Nostra too scared to make any noise. 

A butler--seriously, a butler--opens the door and welcomes us inside, and as soon as I step in, I have to repress the urge to roll my eyes.

The amount of dirty money in the air is suffocating. It drips off the vaulted ceilings, down the artwork on the walls, across the marble floors. It’s in the little details of the crystal chandeliers and the mahogany staircase. 

Ridiculous.

One look at Alexei’s disgusted face says he’s thinking the same thing.

Don’t get me wrong, we’re rich. Grossly so. Alexei could have ten houses just like this, if he wanted them.

But he doesn’t. He owns property all over the world, but most of it is commercial or apartment complexes--property that makes him money, in other words. This, however, is a massive waste of capital. 

The butler leads us further through the house and into an office where four men wait. 

One is immediately identifiable as their lawyer, his over-priced cologne making me have to resist the urge to sneeze. The humongous man in the corner is hired muscle, if the boxy shape of the guns under his jacket is any indication.

The man behind the desk is obviously in charge, so I’m guessing he’s the Capo. Rhysand or Rhyland or something weird like that. He takes me in silently, bright eyes not seeming to miss any details. 

That leaves the man leaning against the desk to be Cassian Azara.

My fiancé. 

Our eyes meet, his golden gaze beautiful and wild, and I have to remember to keep my expression bored. 

Because the stereotype, the horrible image I’d conjured up in my mind, couldn’t be further from the truth.

For one, he isn’t hunched-over. He stands tall, leaning a hip against his Capo’s desk with obvious confidence. But I see more than just self-assuredness in his eyes. He seems a little too rough around the edges, wild gaze almost like he’s daring someone to swing at him. 

If the confidence didn’t already make him attractive, his looks sure as hell get the job done.

His hairs long and dark and curly, half of it pulled up in a rouge manner that clashes with the suit he’s filling. He has a few days’ stubble, too, like standing still long enough to shave just isn’t an option. 

His shoulders are impossibly wide, narrowing down to trim hips and legs long enough to make him tower over everyone in the room. 

His knuckles are tattooed and split open, and there’s a cut above his eyebrow that tells me I was correct to assume he’s a fighter by nature. 

Usually, that would be a deterrent for me, but there’s something about the way he’s dressed in a dark suit jacket and crisp white shirt while also looking so untamed that has me cocking my head to study him some more. 

He studies me, too, beautiful eyes taking in the long blonde hair and bright blue eyes offset by pale skin. He looks at the dress like he can see everything underneath, and I have the strangest urge to blush. Jesus, he’s toxic.

He’s attractive, is what I’m getting at.

Which is not what I had planned on, considering I’d been trying to think of a plan on how to not sleep with him, but suddenly that’s all my mind can focus on.

His lips twitch like he knows what I’m thinking, and I realize we’ve just been standing here staring at each other for a bit too long.

So I turn back to Alexei and shrug like I’ve seen what my future husband has to offer and aren’t impressed in the slightest. 

I toss the marriage contract on the desk, grab the Capo’s fancy little fountain pen out of his hand, and sign my name on the blank above my name. 

Cassian watches, but I ignore him entirely until the ink has dried. Then I look up at him through my lashes and wink, turn on my heel, and leave the room.

~Cassian~

I think I’m in love.

Fuck.

She hasn’t said a single goddamn word, but the way she looked at me has me feeling itchy all over, anticipation and nerves rolling through me. I feel like I feel before I fight or something exciting happens.

Like I’m primed and ready and need it to happen now. 

Nesta Orlov, my bride to be, is nothing like I expected. 

I was fully braced for some meek little woman, similar to most of my friends’ wives, to come in and smile and say hello. 

But nope. Nesta didn’t smile; she came in like she was walking onto a battlefield. 

And she didn’t smile. She looked me over, clinical blue gaze noticing too much, and left me feeling winded. God, she’s beautiful. Just looking at her made me hot.

She also didn’t say hello. 

Just signed the contract and left, like this was nothing more to her than a boring business deal. I mean, that’s what it is, but... I don’t know, I expected more of a reaction. 

I’ve heard from some Underbosses that their wives cried or raged when they were forced to sign, but shit if that were the case with Nesta. She honest to God looked like she didn’t care.

Alexei, on the other hand, does look a little pissed about the situation, but I couldn’t care less of the old man’s opinion. He’s signed the contract, so to me, he’s irrelevant. Regardless, he and Rhys proceed to iron out some of the details about the wedding and other shit I’m not paying attention to.

Then they shake hands, and the Russian warlord turns to leave. 

He reaches the door and looks over his shoulder at me, and there’s amusement in his cold gaze as he mutters, “Udachi.” Good luck. 

As soon as he’s gone, Roman and the lawyer follow, leaving me alone with Rhys. 

He slides the contract to me, and I sign my name next to hers, making this shit official. 

“This should be interesting,” he comments, vague as usual. 

I sigh, because I have a feeling interesting isn’t going to cover it. 

_____________________________________________________

NEXT CHAPTER

Tags: @elorcan-trash @januarystears @emikadreams @sjm-things @santas-dwynwen @thebitchupstairs @sayosdreams @perseusannabeth @cursebreaker29 @a-bit-of-a-cactus @elriel4life @girl-who-reads-the-books @shinya-hiiragi @aelinfeyreeleven945tbln @ireallyshouldsleeprn @highqueenofelfhame @rowaelinismyotp @nahthanks @ghostlyrose2 @lovemollywho @tillyrubes10 @claralady @tswaney17 @rowanisahunk @superspiritfestival @thegoddessofyou @awesomelena555 @booksofthemoon @greerlunna @jlinez @studyliketate @over300books @justgiu12 @masstrash @aesthetics-11 @bamchickawowow @b00kworm @sleeping-and-books @musicmaam @hizqueen4life @maybekindasortaace

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Fanfic Writer Asks

I was tagged by @asarcasticwitch - thank you so much!

1) How many works do you have on AO3?

737, which is an ugly number :(

2) What’s your total AO3 word count?

1,890,054 words, which ... AH I might actually get to 2mil by the end of the year!

3) How many fandoms have you written for, and what are they?

thank you, ao3 dashboard for this handy list:

Teen Wolf (TV) (377)

X-Men (Alternate Timeline Movies) (187)

Marvel Cinematic Universe (93)

Glee (29)

Young Justice (Cartoon) (11)

Kingsman (Movies) (9)

Original Work (9)

The Avengers (Marvel Movies) (8)

Criminal Minds (US TV) (7)

Thor (Movies) (6)

Deadpool (Movieverse) (5)

Weird City (TV) (5)

X-Men (Original Timeline Movies) (4)

Yu-Gi-Oh! Duel Monsters (Anime & Manga) (4)

Ragnarok (TV 2020) (4)

Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies) (3)

Teen Wolf (TV) RPF (3)

Iron Man (Movies) (3)

The House in the Cerulean Sea - T. J. Klune (2)

Venom (Marvel Movies) (1)

Stranger Things (TV 2016) (1)

Captain America (Movies) (1)

Fate: The Winx Saga (TV) (1)

Power Rangers Ninja Storm (1)

X-Men - All Media Types (1)

Percy Jackson and the Olympians - Rick Riordan (1)

Riverdale (TV 2017) (1)

X-Men Evolution (1)

Push (2009) (1)

4) What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

With You, I Belong

Mates and Marriage Proposals

The Perceptions of You and I

(baby) maybe that matters more

Breathing You In

5) What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

ughh so, fair warning, I have a lot of works. I definitely do not remember all of them, however I do have four works tagged as Unhappy Ending and then another nine works tagged Ambiguous/Open Ending, which is way more than I’d thought I had! 

however, there is one fic that stands out in mind when I think about which of my works has the angstiest ending! Heed the tags :)

And Now?

Teen And Up Audiences | Major Character Death | M/M | Teen Wolf (TV) | Chris Argent/Peter Hale/Stiles Stilinski | Chris Argent, Peter Hale, Stiles Stilinski | Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Canonical Character Death, Peter Hale Dies, Unhappy Ending

Stiles Stilinski finds out who his soul mates are by setting one on fire.

6) What’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending?

ughhhhhhhh I truly do not know??? 

7) Do you write crossovers? If so, what is the craziest one you’ve written?

I don’t write many crossovers at all! I have some mcu/teen wolf cross overs, I have a teen wolf/glee cross over plotted (that i’ll probably never write), but my strangest is probably this teen wolf/x-men cross over!

what-ifs (don’t fuckin’ matter to no one)

Teen And Up Audiences | No Archive Warnings Apply | M/M | X-Men (Alternate Timeline Movies)Teen Wolf (TV) | Logan (X-Men)/Sheriff Stilinski | Logan (X-Men), Sheriff Stilinski, Stiles Stilinski | Memory Loss, Telepathy, Mentions of War, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Child Neglect, Grief/Mourning, Telepath Stiles Stilinski, Telekinetic Stiles Stilinski, Nightmares, Cuddling & Snuggling

There’s somethin’ there. Somethin’ that has him sleeping curled up on his side with a pillow tucked to his chest, somethin’ that has him splittin’ up his food ‘fore he eats ‘cause he don’t need as much as a baseline. Has him turnin’ to tell someone shit that ain’t there. There’s just...there’s just somethin’ there that’s missin’ and it shouldn’t be missin’.

8) Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

sometimes! I don’t write a lot of smut because I actively dislike writing it, but the smut I do write is super super soft and sappy and full of emotions lol

9) Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I respond to almost all of my comments! comments i won’t respond to: negative comments, unsolicited criticism, comments that aren’t relevant to the fic itself, comments simply asking for more 

I love love love responding to comments! I love every single comment that I get and I want to show how much I appreciate getting them, and personally I think responding to comments is the only way to do that! everyone has different comment philosophies, but for me, if someone is taking the time to comment on my fic like I so badly want them to, I think it’s important to respond to show my appreciation! 

10) Have you ever received hate on a fic?

aha YEAH I DO. this past weekend I actually got a number of shitty comments and had to file two ao3 abuse reports for harrasment (: I love it

I am no stranger to hate comments. I write copious amounts of age difference fic. I write copious amounts of incest. I am not going to apologize nor am I going to feel bad for enjoying either.

11) Have you ever had a fic stolen?

ughhh I sure as heck hope not! 

12) Have you ever had a fic translated?

Yes! I have a number of them :) I always always do my best to make sure it’s linked to the original fic, AND that I add a tag noting that there’s a translation!

13) Have you ever co-written a fic before?

I have made a few attempts! the only successful attempt is there's nothing i wouldn't do to make you feel my love which is a collaboration with @flightinflame, not quite a co-write!

14) What’s your all-time favorite ship?

I am unable to answer this lol I don’t have an all-time favourite. mutli-shipping forever.

15) What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

god okay this is such a good question! imma ramble about a few so bear with me here! (i may have 700 posted works but I also have a few hundreds wips & ideas floating around in my gdrive, too)

gone & past - this is a starrish wip i’d started in 2017. I ended up deleting it from ao3 to rewrite it and never got there, but I have about 20k of content! I built my home, inside of you - thorki human au with college jock thor and high school dancer loki. i’ve got a start and nothing else Sheriff Stilinski Gets Some Sweet Sweet Lovin’ - massive wip where... well, the sheriff fucks his way through the entire pack. I want to write it but. trans allison au - this is an au where allison is trans and that changes the entire season 1 canon. it features stallison, petopher, and a looooooong ass outline that will never exist beyond my wips You Fill My Heart (With Such a Gentle Love) - this is a stetopher a/b/o au with pregnant omega stiles and alpha pair petopher falling in love. it started as a labour of love to someone I no longer have in my life. I have about 30k, a full outline, but idk. makes me sad to think about it they slipped briskly into an intimacy from which they never recovered - this is my big x-men first class rewrite that I honestly don’t think i’ll ever finish. I have a few thousand words, a full outline, but no love lost for cherik so. doubtful Physiotherapy (I'll Be Your Baby) - this was a fic I was SO excited about, and then it kinda flopped and stayed a wip because I didn’t have a plan or the motivation to finish it. it’s a winterspider human au with amputee bucky and science twink peter that I adore the premise of but who knows breathing you in chapter 2 - I have a massive second chapter planned for this fic but the first did so good so fast I am way too intimidated to write more in case everyone hates it lmao

there are more arjgoirjeg there are so many more but these are the bigger ones I can think of right now!

16) What are your writing strengths?

ughhhhh I hate answering this because I have, like, seriously bad imposter syndrome around my writing BUT I do think i’m able to weave poignant backstory into narration & i write strong, distinctive narrative voices!

17) What are your writing weaknesses?

literally I can’t write settings at all. I don’t know how people vividly describe settings but I absolutely cannot do that and it’s one of the reasons I haven’t delved into original fiction. I need to write the town my characters live in?? fuck that imma just use a location we’ve seen on screen & let readers fill in the blanks lmao

I am also shit at long fic. I don’t have the mind for long and interesting plots, and I don’t have the focus to write long fic (which is why every long fic i’ve ever posted has taken me literal years to complete smh).

18) What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

I like it! both as a reader and as a writer. as a writer, I generally only use a few words, or small sentences that can be understood by context, and I generally don’t 

19) What was the first fandom you wrote for?

the last thing I wrote and posted was this one:

Languish

Teen And Up Audiences | No Archive Warnings Apply | M/M | X-Men (Original Timeline Movies) | John Allerdyce/Bobby Drake | Bobby Drake, John Allerdyce, X-Men (Team) | Not Canon Compliant, Future Fic, Established Relationship, Summer, Teasing, Fluff

It was a really, really hot Saturday, and most of the school was outback, enjoying the sun, not caring about the heat, and having the time of their life.

Everyone but Bobby, of course, who was melting away.

“I just want to remind everyone that I make ice. I am the Ice Man. I am not built for the heat and soon enough I’m going to melt away into nothing.”

20) What’s your favourite fic you’ve written?

this is another impossible question! I have a few I really enjoy, but I really don’t think I have a favourite that stands out above the rest!

i’m tagging: @4magicandmayhem @insertmeaningfulusername @midrashic @wynnefic @ikeracity @stronglyobsessed @elledelajoie @wolfnprey​ & anyone else who sees it and wants to do it! seriously! go ahead :)

blank questions below the read more!

1) How many works do you have on AO3?

2) What’s your total AO3 word count?

3) How many fandoms have you written for, and what are they?

4) What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

5) What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

6) What’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending?

7) Do you write crossovers? If so, what is the craziest one you’ve written?

8) Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

9) Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

10) Have you ever received hate on a fic?

11) Have you ever had a fic stolen?

12) Have you ever had a fic translated?

13) Have you ever co-written a fic before?

14) What’s your all-time favorite ship?

15) What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

16) What are your writing strengths?

17) What are your writing weaknesses?

18) What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

19) What was the first fandom you wrote for?

20) What’s your favourite fic you’ve written?