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deadcactuswalking · 1 year ago

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REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 20/01/2024 (Ariana Grande, 21 Savage's american dream, D-Block Europe)

The story of this week is… well, there are a lot of stories, and the moral of nearly all of them is: don’t get your hopes up. Noah Kahan’s “Stick Season” has halted a certain someone off the top spot, and welcome back to REVIEWING THE CHARTS!

Rundown

As always, we swiftly ignore you-know who and instead spend a little time on the notable dropouts, songs exiting the UK Top 75, which is what I cover (read the FAQ), after five weeks in the region or a peak in the top 40. As one would expect, there’s quite a lot of movement this week so we do have a hefty list, bidding farewell to… “Just Another Rainbow” by Liam Gallagher and John Squire after just one week at #16, “Entrapreneur” by Central Cee, “You’re Losing Me” (From the Vault) by Taylor Swift getting three-song-ruled out and exchanged for another Taylor song, and then “Standing Next to You” by Jung Kook, “Murdaside” by Mazza_l20 and friends, “First Person Shooter” by Drake featuring J. Cole, “adore u” by Fred again.. and Obongjayar, “Daylight” by David Kushner, “Flowers” by Miley Cyrus and the Selena Gomez-assisted “Calm Down” by Rema. Yeah, some massive losses this week, it really is ushering in the 2024 hit parade this quickly

As for our notable gains, well, we see a return for “Anti-Hero” by Taylor Swift at #69 due to the swap I talked about earlier - it really isn’t a good trade-off in my opinion. Aside from that, there are boosts for “Black Friday” by Tom Odell at #31 which I can’t complain about, and same goes for “Never Lose Me” by Flo Milli at #24. I will complain about “Unwritten” by Natasha Bedingfield at #18, but that brings us neatly to our top five, where we have Teddy Swims fly in at #5 with “Lose Control”, followed by familiar faces, “Lovin’ on Me” by Jack Harlow at #4 and “Murder on the Dancefloor” by Sophie Ellis-Bextor at #3, and then, despite multiple versions and a music video, Noah Kahan fended off Ariana Grande’s comeback single “yes, and?”, stalling out narrowly at #2. It’s fully the season of the sticks, and also the season of 11 Goddamn song reviews, some of which were expected and don’t give me much to say, or much that I want to say, and some that just came out of thin air. I guess let’s just get this party started.

New Entries

#73 - “Scared to Start” - Michael Marcagi

Produced by David Baron

This episode is brought to you by our sponsor, Who the Hell is This Guy? So, Mr. Marcagi started out as the lead singer for non-starter indie rock band The Heavy Hours, before the release of two very recent and very obviously trend-chasing solo singer-songwriter singles. This is the second of them, and seems to have been his breakout and yeah, I suppose we have Noah Kahan at home. The song is overall about a youthful relationship that gets them into undetailed recklessness and escapism, particularly getting away from a small boring town into being on-the-road nomads, without much care for where the future actually takes them. I like the heartland rock pianos and the tried-and-true drop into half-time for the second chorus, though by the time he does it again in the final chorus, I mostly wish he just picked up the pace as the momentum needs to accelerate from there if it’s such a carpe diem track, it feels like a missed opportunity to really go hard at the final hustle, like Kahan would do. As a whole, it’s really not that difficult to see why this is here or even why people could love it, but I feel like it needed more refining to truly make it worthwhile.

#63 - “Praise Jah in the Moonlight” - YG Marley

Produced by Lauryn Hill, YG Marley and JohnnyG

When I say everything will chart in January, I mean everything. This is one of Bob Marley’s many grandchildren, and yes, that is the Lauryn Hill you’re thinking of. She married into the Marleys, this is her son, she co-produced and co-wrote the song, which additionally samples the original Marley’s “Crisis”, a 1978 track with the Wailers, an uplifiting song about living it up through crisis, staying aware of tragedy but taking time to yourself to allow for fun to be had, peace to be found. I like the song a lot, but it was an album track and hence never charted until it was sampled on this newer song from late last year, which - this is not the first time this week we’ll see this either - turns the otherwise conscious track into a love ballad, but sonically, it’s incredibly faithful, even down to the liquidy reggae groove and charming background singers. Sadly, YG does not have the presence of his grandfather, sounding mostly like a nervous, Auto-Tuned child stumbling onto the school talent show, but that’s also partly due to the mix crushing his nasal croon a bit, it feels smashed in between different elements of the mix instead of resting carefreely in it like Bob would. I do actually appreciate the shift in content for the second verse, which I can only assume was written by Ms. Lauryn Hill considering its cynical, conscious stabs at soul-taking and standing your ground. In fact, I actually like this song quite a lot - whilst it starts off as a love ballad, it ends up using more of an appreciative worship angle that fits much better with the lax, improvisational performance, especially once Lauryn comes in for the outro, it’s just nice to hear her singing again, to be honest. The guitars are also surprisingly sludgy by the end, it feels, fitting the mix’s general vibe, which makes it feel a tad sinister or at least defiant, which makes the sample flip - or really, recreation - a lot more sensible. So, yeah, I think this turns around to actually being quite good, if not great? I guess you can’t go wrong when you just plod in that classic Bob Marley tune as a loop for so long and get Lauryn Hill to do backup, I mean, it really does not seem like you can go wrong placing those two together on a track, albeit posthumously. I know it’s never coming but part of me wants to at least hope this may mean we get, if not a solo album, a wider array of collaborations from Lauryn Hill in the future.

#61 - “No Man’s Land” - Marshmello and venbee

Produced by Marshmello, Digital Farm Animals and Earwulf

To be completely honest, I thought Marshmello’s time in the Sun was over. He’s been latching onto Fuerza Regida and Latin music overall Stateside, so I figured his hit-making days could be far behind him, yet here he is without a reggaetónero or corrida band, and instead venbee, who has yet to really replicate the success of “messy in heaven”, but maybe this will be a winning combination and not another desperate last-minute attempt by Marshmello to find a final niche before the spark dies completely. Surely by now, you know where this is going. Mr. Mello even got Digital Farm Animals to co-write and produce so there really is a distant scent of imminent failure written into this one. That’s not to say the song isn’t good because, well, despite all my cynicism, it’s a damn good track, I actually really love this one. It has all the 2018 plastic tropical flavour but due to going for a faster-paced drum and bass rolick and surprisingly compressed and gross-sounding mix on venbee’s vocals, it doesn’t have any of the effortless sheen and instead sounds a bit rough around the edges, with even the little intricate details in that second verse sounding a bit out of place. That lines up pretty perfectly with venbee’s self-loathing that she feels has buried her into an isolation that she can’t really handle considering how much she hates that cycle. Now I don’t think this’ll be a hit: it sounds like something that could be a sleeper success, but by the time it would get much traction, the song is rather too depressive to be dropped into a Summer EDM mix, and honestly, we have no track record for venbee in terms of any consistent success, and it’s not like Marshmello is a pull anymore. So whilst I actually think this is brilliant, I would have to say to Marshmello: Maybe don’t get your hopes up.

#59 - “J CHRIST” - Lil Nas X

Produced by Omer Fedi, Gesaffelstein and Lil Nas X

“The biggest comeback” since Jesus and he couldn’t even break top 50? In this chart climate? In this economy? I did see a lot of social media disillusionment with Lil Nas’ religious angle, none of which I agreed with because really, it’s only his second time doing so and who decided that artists suddenly couldn’t use themes in their music? Yet that may explain the lack of success out of the gate for… “J CHRIST” - God, what a terrible song title - and I can’t say it’s unfortunate, this song is terrible, and not in an honest-sounding way either. LNX has never sounded more bored and typical, going for a vocal take that doesn’t even fully sound like him, as if he was pitched up in post, and the lyrics seem absolutely unfinished if not unchanged from a mumbling reference track. Even the catchy hook is pretty gimmicky with the “high note”, and the second verse just repeats itself sloppily over this piano-based trap beat, that doesn’t really go anywhere at all. In fact, if left on its own, one could consider this a bit of a feat: gawk in awe at Lil Nas X trying and failing to inject life into an amateur YouTube remake of “HUMBLE.” made by a guy with 12 subscribers! Yet due to the promising, alien outro from Gesaffelstein, we know that more effort could have been put into this to make it much more unique and refreshing, and his springy synth bounce lingers throughout the rest of the track, especially that pre-chorus, as a tease for something to come, which would be promising if that “something to come” wasn’t the absolute lowest barrier of entry for decent music: being interesting. Again, don’t get your hopes up.

#46 - “Alibi” - Ella Henderson featuring Rudimental

Produced by Aidan Glover, Cliff Masterson, Rudimental and Punctual

It is with the deepest of sighs that I say the late Coolio’s iconic Dangerous Minds soundtrack cut “Gangsta’s Paradise”, that has long outlasted its film companion, debuted at #1 upon release in 1995 and stayed there for two weeks total, and has returned intermittently to the UK Singles Chart since 2009 due to just how great of a song it is, a timeless Stevie Wonder flip with L.V. on the chorus and some of the most harrowing yet accessible conscious verses that have ever appeared on a chart hit. Ella Henderson, we are not doing this. Why Rudimental decided to credit themselves onto this… thing they barely produced is beyond me, because this is a worthless parody of the original, a dead-on-arrival concept with little respect for its source material… but that makes it sound cool, doesn’t it? It makes it sound risky, like it’s trying new things, when in reality, that’s far from the case. Ms. Henderson copies inflections and melodies directly from L.V., who already took them from Stevie, and replaces the lyrics with meaningless relationship platitudes. The beat is stock drum and bass, the main lead sample is from the most famous and memed part of the song. This kind of song makes me question whether I can even consider it art at all because what human aspect could have possibly been involved in this? Ella’s singing, sure, but not only are the vocals touched-up in post, it’s not like she or her choir care all too much about emoting these lyrics, and they really shouldn’t. Sure, a human - or several, according to the credits - programmed this song, but would you really be surprised if it was done algorithmically based on a TikTok search of the original song? I love sampling, it’s possibly the most interesting thing about popular music past the 1990s, but some reinventions are little more than fleeting insults at artists not alive to repel them. The man rejected Weird Al’s parody and even after he’d lightened up about that, I have serious doubt he would sign off on this garbage. May he rest in peace - I personally really love his other single “Fantastic Voyage”, maybe even more than “Gangsta’s Paradise”, and I’ll always remember his voice performance as the Kwanzaabot in Futurama. This? I’m trying not to remember it. Hopefully the UK can realise this for its cheap distasteful novelty and leave it buried in the dregs of Spotify where it belongs.

#42 - “Heather on the Hill” - Nathan Evans

Produced by Alan Jukes and Stevie Jukes

I’m… genuinely surprised Nathan Evans is still popping up, especially with a song like this. The title may be referring to the song of the same name in the 1947 musical Brigadoon, set in the Scottish Highlands, perhaps most well known in its version by Grace Kelly. Now that is a beautiful composition with a surprisingly frail performance in the verses that really gives a lot of lackadaisical charm to the track, even if I’ve never even heard of the musical before. This track by everyone’s favourite sea-shantier has nothing to do with that song. The traditional Scottish folk strings may interpolate the original slightly but this is a pop song through and through, with Lewis Capaldi-esque vocal and guitar production, it’s all compressed and staccato and aimless but at least you can tell Evans is Scottish given all the references which would seem tacky if there weren’t just so many of them, and Hell, I’m not Scottish, I can’t judge how a Scotsman expresses his Scottishness. There is a great dramatic charm in the absolute joyfulness this seems to at least want to display, especially with the Scottish folk chaos in the back of the mix and Evans just giving it all he can. In fact, I kind of love this: it’s an adorable love song that ends very abruptly for no good reason, is littered with little Scottish lyrical details, and whilst it doesn’t hit the same as the song from the musical, it’s going for an entirely different vibe: one of folkish lovestruckness and awe, admiration. This feels like a first crush, if my first crush was from Orkney. She wasn’t, of course, but I can dream; both songs I discovered from this entry I appreciate in largely different ways but are pretty admirable all the same.

#27 - “n.h.i.e.” - 21 Savage and Doja Cat

Produced by Kurtis McKenzie, Scribz Riley, Jonah and Nineteen85

Okay, so 21 Savage released a new album, american dream, last Friday, and it debuts at #2 on the UK albums chart, with three new songs debuting here because the entire album was new material, and quite frankly, next to none of it fit the concept of the album, and that includes pretty much everything we have here. It’s really frustrating when ambition, especially conceptual ambition, seems to be promised and whilst the product itself is completely fine, serviceable and in the case of this 21 album, frankly quite good, it does not abide by the ideas that were presented in, say, the introduction, the soundtrack connection, how 21’s mother appears on both the opener and closer to speak frankly about her experiences and how they relate to her son’s, especially in regards to travelling from London to the US. Given that 21’s finally gained US residency and this seemed like his way of commemorating his escape from the confusing citizenship debacle, wherein he can be proud of both his British and American heritage, I was quite disappointed when it was 90% a typical rap album with soul samples, trap beats, flexing on haters, having sex with women, killing people in comical detail and even having a second half largely consisting of R&B just for the ladies, I suppose. With all that, like I said, I enjoyed the album! 21 is a lyrically and vocally quite fun presence nowadays, and the production was incredibly cohesive in its sound despite trying out some different rhythms and vibes throughout. It is, by all means, a good 21 Savage album, but if you’re hoping for more than that, again, don’t get your hopes up. As for the tracks that debuted, they are by far the least interesting and actually some of my least favourites. This one has an eerie guitar lick but also Doja Cat all over the track just whispering and distractingly so, with 21 kind of on autopilot, even if his short verse is pretty good. Doja is doing the whole quirked-up not-a-rapper schtick with the “ad-lib!” ad-lib and basic flow accentuated by again, those multi-tracked whispers and outright refusal to write a verse of considerable length. It’s just lazy on mostly her part but pretty much everyone else as well, there’s little to care for here.

#23 - “née-nah” - 21 Savage, Travis Scott and Metro Boomin

Produced by Metro Boomin

Why is the song called that? Anyway, this is my least favourite track easily. You have a straight minute of Travis wasting my time - without the Auto-Tune, without the spacey production, without the atmospheric concepts and ambition, who even IS this guy, really, other than an unconvincing cornball who never decides on a solid flow and fills up time with ad-libs, including some weird Westside Gunn riffing this time around? Also, considering how much time he’s spent with Kanye, I’m getting slightly worried to who this villainous “they” he’s referring to in this verse all the time might actually be, he’s been oddly defensive and conspiratory since UTOPIA at least. This is a completely serviceable Metro beat, though it actually gets kind of hard on the ears midway through due to that shrill sample that doesn’t really have much to blend with when the chopped, vintage sample isn’t present. It’s a shame that the rest of the track is pretty much garbage because 21 delivers some of his most violently funny and out-of-pocket verses on this whole album, with a cold-as-Hell chorus and lines about Virgil Abloh and Usher that hit pretty hard as punchlines. Again, a shame it’s all placed here on what was for everyone else, a throwaway track.

#19 - “Eagle” - D-Block Europe and Noizy

Produced by Da Beatfreakz

DBE sold like 10 million USB sticks or something, their album is #1 yet here’s their sole track in the top 75. Now this is the kind of so-bad-it’s-enjoyable DBE I like to hear, with Beatfreakz on production, an unusually long, minimal intro, an array of deranged ad-libs, terrible Auto-Tune, Young Adz stammering helplessly and not understanding how disparate some of the consecutive lyrics are from each other. He barely sticks to a coherent flow and starts the chorus with declaring that he thinks he’s Albanian, but he doesn’t enunciate so it sounds like he just calls himself the country of Albania. We even have Dirtbike Lb going for a verse that completely washes whatever Youthful Advertisement was doing, he actually kind of kills his verse, it’s impressive. The flow switch is much clearer and well-done than whatever Adz tries his hand at, his slurring and naturally slow, droning delivery is used to its best extent here. Oh, and like half the song belongs to this one extended verse from an actual Albanian rapper, Noizy, who goes in… I think? He says near the end, “I’m Albanian, you’re not supposed to like me” and I really don’t know what to make of that, or this song in general, it’s kind of a fascinating mess with some genuine flow highlights but mostly just bizarre choices. In that regard, classic DBE.

#11 - “redrum” - 21 Savage

Produced by London on da Track and Peeb

My favourite track from this album is “see the real”, a sassy, witty and dismissive hyphy-esque bop that inflects a lot of melody into 21’s sound but not enough to dissuade you from his cold demeanour. Some of my other favourite tracks include the sincere PSA “dark days”, the needlessly catchy R&B track “should’ve wore a bonnet” and yeah, “redrum” has none of what I just described. It’s pure violence, it got the music video set in London, so here it is, with its Italian classical music sample in the intro that just eventually forms into a menacing, unchanging loop. It sounds great, but with the caveat that it also just sounds like that the whole time. If 21 weren’t generally an incredibly compelling and more importantly convincing presence as a killer on the mic, this would be a pretty unimpressive beat, so it really shows how much better an instrumental can sound when the right pocket’s found, and for 21, who is on his A-game punchline and ad-lib wise on this track, it seems almost effortless. I’ve obviously not got much else to say about this song or the album as a whole, but I do think it’s a shame that its most unique and enlightening moments didn’t make their way to the charts, or that they were so few and far between to begin with. Hey, at least we didn’t get any shreds of that terrible Kid Cudi project, right? Sheesh.

#2 - “yes, and?” - Ariana Grande

Produced by Ariana Grande, Max Martin and ILYA

It’s fine. I know it’s the big story of the week but there’s nothing too celebratory, triumphant, badass or even interesting about this comeback single from Ariana, that clearly goes for an attitude it couldn’t fully commit to, given the cheaper-than-usual sounding vocaloid chop behind the diva house pianos and a cooing that sems to miss the point of its own genre. Lyrically, it’s self-motivation but I mean, we have “BREAK MY SOUL”, and the genuinely experimental and explorative RENAISSANCE from just two years ago, we really don’t need a lacklustre Ariana Grande rendition of this genre, especially when she’s completely phoning it in. She’s not someone who’s meant to chant mantras, that’s not the kind of loose, parading singer she is, it’s why she never worked on trap beats. The spoken word bridge is pitched-up - because sure, Ariana needs pitching up of all singers - and practically egregious: going for the censor during the Ethan Slater-related line is exactly the “serve” it was intended to be, given that it’s the one time the song actually feels like it exists, but it also just drills this hole further that Ari cannot sell this at all, and should absolutely not be trying to when the audience, even if invested in the “I’m fucking the SpongeBob guy” drama, cannot find themselves motivated by because, well, last time I checked, the only other person fucking the SpongeBob guy was the mother of his child. If someone can point me to the passion and empowerment in this song and its seven other versions instead of a lingering tinge of desperate acting-out, please do, because every listen just leaves an even sourer note in my mouth. Ugh, let’s move on.

Conclusion

I actually did not dislike “yes, and?” before writing this episode, but several listens and caring to look at the lyrics more have really prevented me from enjoying it the way I wanted to so, yes, it will get the Dishonourable Mention, with the Worst of the Week being so obvious I really don’t have to say it, do I? Best of the Week goes to Marshmello and venbee for “No Man’s Land” with an Honourable Mention to Nathan Evans of all people with “Heather on the Hill” and I suppose that’s it. It was a bit of a long ordeal this week, but thank you for reading, see you… a bit earlier than next Friday, I think, but still, next week.

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mcknotanniegrey · 1 year ago

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look i just think he's neat okay

I just realised that God and Goddess said goodbye only to Lucifer and Amenadiel . And God said I love you to both of them. But there were three people sitting at that table, three sons who needed to know that they were loved. One of them never got to hear that three words. The only one who will never know, was also the one who probably needed it the most: Michael.

Let’s see how much it takes to get me into the fandom jail since I love Michael lol

#michael demiurgos #michael lucifer #lucifer netflix #michael x ella #it snuck up on me

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inevitablemoment · 1 year ago

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Psst... want to hear the whole soundtrack to Frank and Lucy's special day twenty-six years ago? Listen to it on Spotify here.

Art by @lilvicsart

#Wherever Love Takes Me #Wherever Love Takes Me Extras #Lunnister #Altered Perceptions 'verse #Altered Perceptions #Ella's Playlists #The Frighteners #Playlist #Wedding #Wedding Playlist #Frank Bannister #Lucy Lynskey #OTP: Alters Your Perception #Michael J. Fox #Trini Alvarado #Fanfic and Fandom #lilvicsart #Frank x Lucy #Frank Bannister x Lucy Lynskey

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mcknotanniegrey · 10 months ago

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On my Lucifer shit again sooo

Here's a vibey playlist I made for Michael and Ella's relationship. It is clearly hyper specific to my tastes and This Darkness Light, but in case anyone wants in on this:

#lucifer netflix #michael demiurgos #michael x ella #ella lopez #this is literally so specific to me #this darkness light #ao3 fanfic

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4evrspn · 2 years ago

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Michael/Ella Drabble Series

Michael has been living with Ella for a while now, but there was still a roommate who hated him: the chicken.

A series of drabbles (can be read stand alone) in which Michael starts a war with Margaret.

#lucifer #micheal #ella lopez #Michael x Ella Lopez #Michelle #fanfic #Ao3 #drabble #drabble collection #Michael/Ella #Margret the chicken #fanfiction #alternate universe

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ethanrs · 2 years ago

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I Just binge-read this in like, 3 hours, definitely recommend this story if you ship Ella and Michael

This is a such a cute Michael/Ella story. I know your guna live it.

#fanficfriday

#makemichaelgreatagain

#michaeldemiurgos

#michaelisadick

TITLE.. ALWAYS CLUELESS

RATING... Mature

WARNINGS.. None given

STATUS ... Complete

SUMMARY... Ella has secretly grown close to Michael after her traumatic experience with Pete. Michael is forced to deal with human emotions he obviously isn't familiar with.

Ella still doesn't know...but she might find out.

#michael #michael demiurgos #michael lucifer #ella lopez #ella lopez x michael demiurgos #ella x michael #lucifer ella lopez

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onlydylanobrien · 4 months ago

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Dylan O'Brien, Rachel Sennott, Cory Michael Smith, Ella Hunt, Gabriel Labelle, Lamorne Morris and writer-director Jason Reitman photographed for The Wrap at the The Wrap Studio during the “Saturday Night” press day at the Toronto International Film Festival (TIFF) in Toronto, Canada. (September 8, 2024)

📷©: TheWrap on Twitter / X

#dylan o'brien #tiff 2024 #photoshoot #tiff the wrap photoshoot #saturday night cast #rachel sennott #cory michael smith #ella hunt #gabriel labelle #lamorne morris #jason reitman

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satorella · 2 days ago

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“𝐒𝐞𝐢𝐧 𝐄𝐧𝐠𝐞𝐥” [𝑯𝒊𝒔 𝑨𝒏𝒈𝒆𝒍]

You caught 𝐌𝐢𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐞𝐥 𝐊𝐚𝐢𝐬𝐞𝐫’𝐬 attention at a soccer conference in Japan about a year ago, where you were hired to take pictures for the sports magazine you worked for. At first, it was just him being his usual arrogant and cocky self when he randomly gave you VIP tickets just because.

“Oh… uh… d-danke, Herr Kaiser…” [Thank you, Mr. Kaiser] You gave him a polite smile. He tilted his head, “Ah, you speak German?” “Just a little… enough for a tourist to get by.” You answered. He nodded and smirked, “Cheer for me, ja?” [Yes?] He pointed at the tickets in your hand as he turned to walk away. “Ja…” You gave an awkward little wave.

Neither of you had any idea where this would eventually lead though…

A couple days later, you woke up with your head throbbing, and Kaiser sleeping soundly next to you... naked under the sheets. You looked around, realizing you were in his hotel room, and both of your clothes were thrown carelessly all over the place; on the sofa, on the counter, the floor, your panties were even hanging on the damn lamp. Then it all started to come back to you. What was supposed to just be a few innocent glasses of champagne at the afterparty of his game, turned into a bit more… obviously. Once you came to, you slowly slipped out of his bed, searched for your clothes, and quietly left his room.

Fuuuuuck, did you really have a one night stand with Michael Kaiser?!?!

After a couple hours, you opened your suite door to...

"Guten Tag, Schöne." [Good day, beautiful.] Shit. "Herr Kaiser... hi... h-how'd you, um, know which room I was in?" You asked, looking both ways down the hallway. "I asked your little freund." [Friend.] He waved his hand dismissively. "Anyway you left your, ah, kamera in my room. I figured you might want it back for work." He hands you your camera. "Oh! Danke!" You take the device. He looks at you for a moment, his expression unreadable. "I looked through some of the photos. I hope you don't mind." He finally says before leaning down to your ear, “I enjoyed seeing the ones from last night as well.” He whispers, making a shiver run down your spine. Pictures? From last night? The hell is this guy talking about? Confusion and curiosity etched on your face, you turned your camera on and clicked through the recent photos...

You, your colleagues, Kaiser and his team taking shots.

You and Kaiser pouring each other shots.

You sitting on Kaiser's lap.

You, and what looks like, grinding on Kaiser.

You, completely blissed out, taking a selfie with Kaiser kissing your neck.

You taking a picture with Kaiser in the elevator door's reflection; he stood behind you with his hands on your hips... while he was busy with your neck.

Kaiser leading you into his hotel room.

You, in Kaiser’s POV… sitting naked on the counter, eyes low and head thrown back as you laughed. (You honestly looked great in this pic… if it weren’t for you being naked😵‍💫)

Kaiser... taking body shots off you...

A mirror selfie with Kaiser positioned behind you... holding one of your legs up on the vanity... while he-

ALRIGHT, you got the point! You quickly shut off the camera and looked at anywhere else but him. He smirked, seeing how shy you suddenly got. "I-I'll, uh, delete these… don't worry..." You cleared your throat. "Just because you get rid of the evidence of our fuck-fest, doesn't mean I'll let you forget it." He shamelessly looks you up and down, "Are you free to do it again tonight?" You scoffed. The nerve of this guy!? "I-I'm not some bootycall, you perv! Du bist so ein perverser!" [You are such a pervert!] You whisper-yelled. He laughed at your attempt to insult him in his own language. "Really? But from what I can remember, all you could say was 'Micha! So gut! Bitte! Bitte mehr!' hm?" [So good! Please! Please more!] All the color drained from your face. “Okay. Guten Tag, und Auf Wiedersehen.” [Good day, and goodbye.] You tried to close the door in his face, but he stopped it with one hand, “Nein. Wait.” [No. Wait.]

…And that’s how your love story all began. Annoying way to meet the love of your life, right? Agh! Aber du hast trotzdem gelernt, ihn zu lieben. 💆‍♀️ [Agh! But you still learned to love him.]

Ever since that day, he subconsciously started talking to you more and seeing you more at soccer conferences; country to country. You were the only foreigner that could actually understand him and have a decent conversation with him in his native tongue. (Not to mention, you kept each other company at night.) At games, he would casually search the crowd for your familiar pretty face, knowing you’d be there; rocking his jersey, waving and screaming his name. You showed up for him at every game, wherever it was. Even though he was still kind of an ass, your constant presence started to make him feel… something. Something he’s always wanted, but would never allow.

Kaiser wasn’t one to catch feelings. He’d usually cut out anything that would distract him from his goals. Nor does he really have that many friends due to his arrogant and rude personality. Sure, he has his team, but ehh. Then there was the thing going on with you. He actually didn’t mind having you around. You weren’t clingy and annoying like most women were. And he enjoyed the sex, of course. But after a while, he started to notice that things between you started to become something a little more than just sex. Even just talking to you became part of his daily routine. You guys met up to have breakfast/lunch/dinner together if you were in the same city, and FaceTimed if you weren’t. There were times where he just craved to hear your sweet voice after a gruesome day of practice. Craved to hear your stupid jokes that weren’t even funny, but it was really your laugh that he wanted to hear when he was having some depressing late night thoughts. God only knows why you still stick around. He’s unbearable half of the time, but here you were… choosing to deal with his bullshit.

All of it.

With time, you started to become the support system, the companionship, the patience, and the love he’s always wanted, needed, but was too prideful and damaged to ever ask for. You understood him. You were always there for him. And for once in his lonely life, he didn’t feel so alone anymore.

Currently, you and Kaiser were in his hotel room, massaging his scalp as he laid his head in your lap. You came to surprise him at one of his home games in his home country, Germany, after telling him just a few days ago that you wouldn’t be able to make it.

“I could have flown you out here, meine Schönheit. Tsk.” [My beauty.] He lightly scolds you. “But that would’ve ruined the surprise, ja?” You smiled. “Tsk.” He grabbed your wrist and moved your hand to his neck, “Here. Massage me here.” He demanded. “So sassy, mein Schatz.” [My darling.] You chuckled, but did as he said, massaging over his blue rose tattoo. He closed his eyes. “Your touch, it’s relaxing, meine Liebe.” [My love.] He said, which was a little unusual. He was being sweet and focusing on you, rather than bragging about how his team wouldn’t have won without him; which was what he usually did after a win. You leaned down to press a kiss on his forehead as a reply. You weren’t sure how to respond to that… without saying the wrong thing and risking ruining his good mood. He opened his eyes, a sigh leaving his lips as he looked up at you. He pulled your head back down, capturing your lips in a kiss. After a moment, he pulled away and caressed your cheek. “Ich liebe dich, Engel.” [I love you, Angel.] He said quietly, which was another rare occasion with Kaiser where he actually used his words to express his feelings. “And I love you.” You smiled, hovering your lips over his, “Are you okay?” “Ah, meine Liebe. I’m alright, just… tired from playing.” He said as he reached up to move a few strands of your hair behind your ear. His bright blue eyes were scanning your face, watching every expression and detail. “I’m glad you’re here...” He ran his thumb over your cheek, “I can always count on you.” He sat up and pulled you on top of him, his hands moving to rest on your hips as you straddled him.

“Michael!” You gasped as you felt his semi-hard poking the inside of your thigh. “I thought you said you were tired?” “I said tired from playing, mein Liebling. Not in other activities.” You playfully rolled your eyes. Ah, now you understand why he’s being so lovey dovey… he’s horny! He chuckled in his rough German accent as his hands began to roam your body. “I missed you these last few weeks.” “Ja, I can see that… or I mean, feel it.” You snickered. “Ah, mein Engel. Du bist so wunderschön.” [My Angel. You are so beautiful.] He praised you as he gave your jawline soft kisses. He grunted a little when he felt your lower half grind against him, causing him to squeeze the plush fat of your ass under your denim skirt. He wanted to be gentle, but that’s proving to be quite difficult for him right now. He needed you. “Mein Engel, bitte. Lass mich dich lieben.” [My Angel, please. Let me love you.] He pleaded quietly as his hands continued to roam your body, slowly lifting his jersey off of you. “Ich will dich.” [I want you.] You let the jersey fall to the ground, tilting your head to the side as he kept whispering sweet nothings in your ear, making you throb at your core.

Kaiser turned, laying you down on the sofa and positioning himself in between your legs. “Ich liebe dich.” [I love you.] He murmured as his lips began to trail down your neck, down your chest. He took one breast in his mouth, and sucked on your hardened nub. You let out a whimper, arching into him, practically smooshing your chest in his face. His tattooed hand journeyed down your body. “So Schön.” [So beautiful.] He hissed, pushing your legs open wider for him to have more room. He wasted no time in bunching your skirt up and pulling your panties to the side, dragging a finger up your slit, collecting your slick. His finger began tracing circles around your entrance before slowly pushing it inside you. “Ah, du bist so feucht für mich…” [You are so wet for me…] “Hnngh!” You moaned, nails digging into the sofa. “Komm für mich. Be the good girl I know you are.” [Come for me.] He murmured against your skin, lightly nipping you in random places. He inserted another finger in you, pumping at a slow, but good, pace and curling them both slightly to rub that sweet spot that always had you seeing stars. “M-Micha!” You whined, writhing beneath him. “Let yourself go on my fingers…” He said, his voice low and raspy. And like the good girl you were for him, you did as he said. As always. You shut your eyes as you came on his long, thick fingers; panting and moaning his name. He grabbed your chin during the middle of it with his free hand and forced you to face him. “Look at me.” He demands. Your eyes fluttered open, trying to stop them from rolling back from pure ecstasy. “That’s it. There’s my girl.” He lets you ride out your high, before slowly pulling his fingers out of you and licking them clean.

He reached between you to pull the knot on his robe loose, and lets it fall on the floor next to the jersey, then positions himself at your entrance. “Ich brauche dich...” [I need you...] He whispers as he pushes into you, letting out a deep groan and grunting. “Gott, du bist so eng.” [God, you’re so tight.] You let out a louder moan at the stretch, your nails digging even more into the sofa. He slowly slid out almost all the way before thrusting back in deeper. Harder.

“So gut...” [So good...]

Fuck, maybe you two should spend time apart more often.

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thestarstoasun · 9 months ago

Text

Some of my PJO ships & why

Percabeth (Percy/Annabeth - They invented love)

Ruegard (Clarisse/Silena - THE LAST OLYMPIAN, THE PARALLELS, PLS)

Clarisse/Chris (*I do not know their ship name, my bad - The Labyrinth, need I say more?)

Silena/Beckendorf (*Idk if they ever had an official ship name - They were so tragic)

Clarisse/Beckendorf/Silena/Chris (Polycule, bc multishipper really)

Jake Mason/Michael Yew (I have a thousand reasons and I don't think any are canon)

Conchell (Connor/Mitchell - THE FANFICS PLS, but some of them need to remember these are minors pls)

Connor x Malcolm Pace (I saw really cute ship art 1 time and I was sold)

Connor/Mitchell/Malcolm (I think they'd be really cute together and I don't care if it's impractical)

Luke/Lee Fletcher (Lukelee - Honestly, its more of a crack ship for me, but some people on Tumblr have me considering how much)

Luke/Ethan Nakamura (Lukethan - I can't be alone in this, pls)

Theyna (Thalia/Reyna - They would make an awesome QPR, and I thought this even before Reyna was revealed to be aroace. They flirt endlessly if only to enjoy the confused looks on their friends faces)

Tratie (Travis/Katie Gardner - Is there anyone who read the books in the 2010s when the fandom was like super big that doesn't ship them? It's big now, but like, still.)

Tyson/Ella (They deserve the world)

Solangelo (Nico/Will - Tbf, I shipped them since The Last Olympian AS A CRACK SHIP, but A WIN IS A WIN)

Grover/Juniper (Just yes)

Sally/Paul (The King that our Queen Sally Jackson deserves)

Shelper (Shel/Piper - The plot twist I didn't know I needed)

Valgrace (Leo/Jason - When I read The Lost Hero, I just thought "these two idiots could definitely work well together.")

Jasper (Jason/Piper - It isn't my favorite, but I think they're cute together. I hate that their relationship was built on the Gods interference, because neither of them deserved that. I would probably like it more if it didn't start because of Hera.)

Ethabaster (Ethan Nakamura/Alabaster Torrington - The fandom is the reason I ship them mainly tbh. I ship Ethan with Luke more, but Ethan honestly deserves better)

Jercy (Jason/Percy - I have read a single Jercy fanfiction and its kind of growing on me)

Cecil/Lou Ellen (They are literally the idiots in love that annoy Will until he gets with Nico {personal hc}, Love them)

Sherman/Miranda (I didn't think I would like this as much as I do, but its in so many fics I've read I'm low-key a little attached. Like, yeah Sherman show off, get your girl)

Damien/Chiara (I couldn't see them with anyone else tbh, but honestly could possibly change that one day, they will always hold my heart as #1 together though)

Frazel (Frank/Hazel - They are one of the sweetest pairings in the series)

Jason/Percy/Annabeth/Piper (Yes, another poly ship. I've seen this in a few fics and honestly, I think the way its written has grown on me.)

Castor/Will (Literally, because of a single fanfic. They were probably each other's first crushes and didn't even know it)

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medievalandfantasymelee · 6 months ago

Text

Our 296 Noble and Worthy Contenders

Adhemar, Count of Anjou [Rufus Sewell], A Knight's Tale (2001)

Prince Aemond Targaryen [Ewan Mitchell], House of the Dragon (2022-)

Aguilar de Nerha [Michael Fassbender], Assassin's Creed (2016)

Ahchoo [Dave Chapelle], Robin Hood: Men in Tights (1993)

Ahmad [Mahesh Jadu], Marco Polo (2014)

Ahmed Ibn Fahdlan [Antonio Banderas], The 13th Warrior (1999)

Alessandro Farnese [Diarmuid Noyes], Borgia (2011-2014)

King Alfred the Great [David Dawson], The Last Kingdom (2015-2022)

Shah Ala ad Daula [Olivier Martinez], The Physician (2013)

Allan-A-Dale [Joe Armstrong], BBC’s Robin Hood (2006-2009)

Sultan Alauddin [Ranver Singh], Padmavaat (2018)

Amarendra Baahubali [Prabhas], Baahubali Series (2015-2017)

Amleth [Alexander Skarsgård], The Northman (2022)

Ancelyn ap Gwalchmai [Marcus Gilbert], Doctor Who: “Battlefield” (1989)

Antonius Block [Max von Sydow], The Seventh Seal (1957)

Aragorn, Son of Arathorn [Viggo Mortensen], The Lord of the Rings Trilogy (2001-2003)

Arman [Matevy Lykov], I Am Dragon (2015)

Arn Magnusson [Joakim Nätterqvist], Arn: The Knight Templar (2007)

Arondir [Ismael Cruz Córdova], The Rings of Power (2022-)

Arthur Pendragon [Oliver Tobias], Arthur of the Britons (1972, 1973)

King Arthur [Richard Harris], Camelot (1967)

King Arthur [Graham Chapman], Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)

King Arthur [Nigel Terry], Excalibur (1981)

King Arthur [Sean Connery], First Knight (1995)

King Arthur [Alexandre Astier], Kaamelott (2004-2009)

King Arthur [Bradley James], BBC’s Merlin (2008-2012)

King Arthur [Charlie Hunnam], King Arthur: Legend of the Sword (2017)

Asbjörn [Tom Hopper], Northmen: A Viking Saga (2014)

Ash Williams [Bruce Campbell], Army of Darkness (1992)

Asneez [Isaac Hayes], Robin Hood: Men in Tights (1993)

Athelstan [George Blagden], Vikings (2013-2020)

Azeem [Morgan Freeman], Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves (1991)

Azog the Defiler [Manu Bennett], The Hobbit Trilogy (2012-2014)

Balian de Ibelin [Orlando Bloom], Kingdom of Heaven (2005)

Bard the Bowman [Luke Evans], The Hobbit Trilogy (2012-2014)

Ser Barristan Selmy [Ian McIlhinney], Game of Thrones (2011-2019)

Father Beocca [Ian Hart], The Last Kingdom (2015-2022)

Beowulf [Gerard Butler], Beowulf & Grendel (2005)

Bilbo Baggins [Martin Freeman], The Hobbit Trilogy (2012-2014)

Bjørn Ironside [Alexander Ludwig], Vikings (2013-2020)

Bofur [James Nesbitt],The Hobbit Trilogy (2012-2014)

Boromir, Son of Denethor [Sean Bean], The Lord of the Rings Trilogy (2001-2003)

Sir Bowen [Dennis Quaid], Dragonheart (1996)

Sir Brian de Bois-Guilbert [Sam Neill], Ivanhoe (1982)

Sir Brian de Bois-Guilbert [Ciaran Hinds], Ivanhoe (1997)

Bronn [Jerome Flynn], Game of Thrones (2011-2019)

Brother Cadfael [Derek Jacobi], Cadfael (1994-1998)

Carlos I [Álvaro Cervantes], Carlos Rey Emperador (2015-2016)

Caspian X [Ben Barnes], The Chronicles of Narnia (2010)

King Caspian X [Samuel West], Prince Caspian and the Voyage of the Dawn Treader (1989)

Cesare Borgia [Mark Ryder], Borgia (2011-2014)

Cesare Borgia [Francois Arnaud], The Borgias (2011-2013)

Charles Brandon [Henry Cavill], The Tudors (2007-2010)

Prince Charmont [Hugh Dancy], Ella Enchanted (2004)

Prince Chauncley [Daniel Radcliffe], Miracle Workers: The Dark Ages (2020)

Chris Vexler [Karan Soni], Miracle Workers: The Dark Ages (2020)

Chu Hun [Peter Ho], Double World (2020)

“Cinderella’s Prince” [Chris Pine], Into the Woods (2014)

Connor MacLeod [Christopher Lambert], Highlander (1986)

Corlys Velaryon [Steve Toussaint], House of the Dragon (2022-)

Ser Criston Cole [Fabien Frankel], House of the Dragon (2022-)

Daario Naharis [Michiel Huisman], Game of Thrones (2011-2019)

Prince Daemon Targaryen [Matt Smith], House of the Dragon (2022)

Darkness [Tim Curry], Legend (1985)

Ser Davos Seaworth [Liam Cunningham], Game of Thrones (2011-2019)

Prince Dastan [Jake Gyllenhaal], Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time (2010)

Dong Yilong [Henry Lau], Double World (2020)

Khal Drogo [Jason Momoa], Game of Thrones (2011-2019)

Durotan [Toby Kebbell], Warcraft (2016)

Eamon Valda [Abdul Salis], The Wheel of Time (2022-)

King Ecbert Ealhmunding [Linus Roache], Vikings (2013-2020)

Lord Eddard Stark [Sean Bean], Game of Thrones (2011-2019)

Edgin Darvis [Chris Pine], Dungeons & Dragons: Honour Among Thieves (2023)

King Edmund the Just [Skandar Keynes, Mark Wells], The Chronicles of Narnia (2005-2010)

King Edward I Plantagenet [Stephen Dillane], Outlaw King (2018)

King Edward III Plantagenet [Blake Ritson], A World Without End (2012)

King Edward IV Platagenet [Max Irons], The White Queen (2013)

Edward, the Black Prince [James Purefoy], A Knight’s Tale (2001)

Edward Seymour, Earl of Hertford [Claude Rains], The Prince and the Pauper (1937)

Elendil [Lloyd Owen], The Rings of Power (2022-)

Elrond Half-elven [Hugo Weaving], The Lord of the Rings Trilogy (2001-2003)

Elrond Half-elven [Robert Aramayo], The Rings of Power (2022-)

Sir Elyan [Adetomiwa Edun], BBC’s Merlin (2008-2012)

Éomer, Son of Éomund [Karl Urban], The Lord of the Rings Trilogy (2001-2003)

Erik Thurgilson [Christian Hillborg], The Last Kingdom (2015-2022)

Étienne de Navarre [Rutger Hauer], Ladyhawke (1985)

Faramir, Son of Denethor [David Wenham], The Lord of the Rings Trilogy (2001-2003)

Fezzik [André the Giant], The Princess Bride (1987)

Fili [Dean O’Gorman], The Hobbit Trilogy (2012-2014)

Finan [Mark Rowley], The Last Kingdom (2015-2022)

Fjölnir [Claes Bang], The Northman (2022)

Forge Fitzwilliam [Hugh Grant], Dungeons & Dragons: Honor Among Thieves (2023)

Francesco de Pazzi [Matteo Martari], Medici (2016-2019)

Francois Villon [Ronald Colman], If I Were King (1938)

Frodo Baggins [Elijah Wood], The Lord of the Rings Trilogy (2001-2003)

Sir Galahad [Michael Palin], Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)

Galavant [Joshua Sasse], Galavant (2015-2016)

Galessin, Duke of Orkney [Alexis Hénon], Kaamelott (2004-2009)

Gandalf [Ian McKellan], The Lord of the Rings Trilogy (2001-2003)

Gawain [Dev Patel], The Green Knight (2021)

Gendry Waters [Joe Dempsie], Game of Thrones (2011-2019)

Geoffrey Chaucer [Pier Paolo Pasolini], The Canterbury Tales (1972)

Geoffrey Chaucer [Paul Bettany], A Knight’s Tale (2001)

George Plantagenet, Duke of Clarence [David Oakes], The White Queen (2013)

Geralt z Rivii [Michał Żebrowski], Wiedźmin {The Witcher} (2002)

Geralt of Rivia [Henry Cavill], The Witcher (2019-)

Gest [Jakob Þór Einarsson], Hrafninn flýgur {When the Raven Flies}(1984)

Gimli, Son of Gloin [John Rhys-Davies], The Lord of the Rings Trilogy (2001-2003)

Giuliano de Medici [Bradley James], Medici (2016-2019)

Glenstorm [Cornell John], The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian (2008)

Prince Graydon Hastur [Tony Revolori], Willow (2022)

Gríma Wormtongue [Brad Dourif], The Lord of the Rings Trilogy (2001-2003)

Gu Tingye [Feng Shaofeng], The Story of Minglan (2018)

Guildenstern [Tim Roth], Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead (1990)

Gündoğdu Bey [Kaan Taşaner], Diriliş: Ertuğrul {Resurrection: Ertuğrul} (2014-2019)

Sir Guy of Gisbourne [Basil Rathbone], The Adventures of Robin Hood (1938)

Sir Guy of Gisburne [Robert Addie], Robin of Sherwood (1984-1986)

Sir Guy of Gisborne [Michael Wincott], Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves (1991)

Sir Guy of Gisborne [Richard Armitage], BBC’s Robin Hood (2006-2009)

Sir Gwaine [Eoin Macken], BBC’s Merlin (2008-2012)

Haldir of Lothόrien [Craig Parker], The Lord of the Rings Trilogy (2001-2003)

Prince Hamlet [Laurence Olivier], Hamlet (1948)

Prince Hamlet [Christopher Plummer], Hamlet at Elsinore (1964)

Hamlet [Iain Glen], Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead (1990)

Lord Harekr [Bradley James], Vikings: Valhalla (2022-)

King Henry II Plantagenet [Peter O’Toole], Becket (1964)

King Henry II Plantagenet [Peter O’Toole], The Lion in Winter (1968)

King Henry V Plantagenet [Laurence Olivier], Henry V (1944)

King Henry V Plantagenet [Kenneth Branagh], Henry V (1989)

King Henry V Plantagenet [Tom Hiddleston], The Hollow Crown (2012-2016)

Henry VII Tudor [Luke Treadaway], The Hollow Crown (2012-2016)

King Henry VIII [Ray Winstone], Henry VIII (2003)

Prince Henry [Dougray Scott], Ever After (1998)

Hubert Hawkins [Danny Kaye], The Court Jester (1955)

Hugh Beringar [Sean Pertwee], Cadfael (1994-1998)

Prince Humperdink [Chris Sarandon], The Princess Bride (1987)

Inigo Montoya [Mandy Patinkin], The Princess Bride (1987)

Isildur, Son of Elendil [Maxim Baldry], The Rings of Power (2022-)

Ivanhoe [Anthony Andrews], Ivanhoe (1982)

Ivar the Boneless [Alex Høgh Andersen], Vikings (2013-2020)

Jacques le Gris [Adam Driver], The Last Duel (2021)

Jack [Tom Cruise], Legend (1985)

Jafar [Marwan Kenzari], Aladdin (2019)

Ser Jaime Lannister [Nikolaj Coster-Waldau], Game of Thrones (2011-2019)

James Douglas [Aaron Taylor Johnson], Outlaw King (2018)

Jareth, the Goblin King [David Bowie], Labyrinth (1986)

Jaskier [Joey Batey], The Witcher (2019-)

Prince Jingim [Remy Hii], Marco Polo (2014)

Little John [Nicol Williamson], Robin and Marian (1976)

Little John [Eric Allan Kramer], Robin Hood: Men in Tights (1993)

Prince John [Claude Rains], The Adventures of Robin Hood (1938)

Prince John [Richard Lewis], Robin Hood: Men in Tights (1993)

Prince John [Oscar Isaac], Robin Hood (2010)

Jon Snow [Kit Harrington], Game of Thrones (2011-2019)

Ser Jorah Mormont [Iain Glen], Game of Thrones (2011-2019)

Kai [Michael Gothard], Arthur of the Britons (1972, 1973)

Kili [Aiden Turner], The Hobbit Trilogy (2012-2014)

The Kurgan [Clancy Brown], Highlander (1986)

al’Lan Mandragoran [Daniel Henney], The Wheel of Time (2022)

Sir Lancelot [Luc Simon], Lancelot du Lac (1974)

Sir Lancelot [Nicholas Clay], Excalibur (1981)

Sir Lancelot [Richard Gere], First Knight (1995)

Sir Lancelot [Santiago Cabrera], BBC’s Merlin (2008-2012)

Legolas Greenleaf [Orlando Bloom], The Lord of the Rings Trilogy (2001-2003)

Leofric [Adrian Bower], The Last Kingdom (2015-2022)

Sir Leon [Rupert Young], BBC’s Merlin (2008-2012)

Lin Shu [Hu Ge], Nirvana in Fire {Lángyá Bǎng} (2015)

Loial [Hammed Animashaun], The Wheel of Time (2022-)

Lurtz [Lawrence Makoare], The Lord of the Rings Trilogy (2001-2003)

Madmartigan [Val Kilmer], Willow (1988)

Le Maître d'Armes (the fencing master) [Christian Bujeau], Kaamelott (2005-2009)

“Man With Snake” [Barry John Clarke], Edward II (1991)

King Mark of Cornwall [Rufus Sewell], Tristan & Isolde (2006)

Martin [Rutger Hauer], Flesh + Blood (1985)

Massetto [Dave Franco], The Little Hours (2017)

Matrim “Mat” Cauthon [Donal Finn], The Wheel of Time (2022)

“The Mayor of Hamelin” [Claude Rains], The Pied Piper of Hamelin (1957)

Mehmed II [Cem Yiğit Üzümoğlu], Rise of Empires: Ottoman (2020-2022)

Meriadoc “Merry” Brandybuck [Dominic Monaghan], The Lord of the Rings Trilogy (2001-2003)

Merlin [Nicol Williamson], Excalibur (1981)

Merlin [Sam Niell], Merlin (1998)

Merlin [Colin Morgan], BBC’s Merlin (2008-2012)

Mikoláš Kozlík [František Velecký], Marketa Lazarová (1967)

Miles Hendon [Errol Flynn], The Prince and the Pauper (1937)

Mordred [Jason Done], Merlin (1998)

Much [Sam Troughton], BBC’s Robin Hood (2006-2009)

Murtagh Morzansson [Garrett Hedlund], Eragon (2002)

The Mute [Jon Bernthal], Pilgrimage (2017)

Nasir [Mark Ryan], Robin of Sherwood (1984-1986)

Niankoro [Issiaka Kane], Yeelen (1987)

Niccoló Machiavelli [Julian Bleach], The Borgias (2011-2013)

Niccoló Machiavelli [Thibaut Evrard], Borgia (2011-2014)

Nicodemus Ravens [Jakob Oftebro], Skammerens Datter {The Shamer's Daughter} (2015)

Prince Oberyn Martell [Pedro Pascal], Game of Thrones (2011-2019)

Odda the Elder [Simon Kunz], The Last Kingdom (2015-2022)

“One-Eye” [Mads Mikkelsen], Valhalla Rising (2009)

Osferth [Ewan Mitchell], The Last Kingdom (2015-2022)

Sir Percival [Tom Hopper], BBC’s Merlin (2008-2012)

Peregrin “Pippin” Took [Billy Boyd], The Lord of the Rings Trilogy (2001-2003)

Pero Tovar [Pedro Pascal], The Great Wall (2016)

Perrin Aybara [Marcus Rutherford], The Wheel of Time (2022-)

Petyr “Littlefinger” Baelish [Aiden Gillen], Game of Thrones (2011-2019)

High King Peter the Magnificent [William Moseley, Noah Huntley], The Chronicles of Narnia (2005-2010)

Philip II [Timothy Dalton], The Lion in Winter (1968)

Phillippe Gaston [Matthew Broderick], Ladyhawke (1985)

“The Player” [Richard Dreyfuss], Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead (1990)

Podrick Payne [Daniel Portman], Game of Thrones (2011-2019)

Prince Prospero [Vincent Price], The Masque of the Red Death (1964)

Ragnar Lothbrok [Travis Fimmel], Vikings (2013-2020)

Ramsay Bolton [Iwan Rheon], Game of Thrones (2011-2019)

Rand al’Thor [Josha Stradowski], The Wheel of Time (2022-)

Ravenhurst [Basil Rathbone], The Court Jester (1955)

“The Red Death” [John Westbrook], The Masque of the Red Death (1964)

Renly Baratheon [Gethin Anthony], Game of Thrones (2011-2019)

Richard Cypher [Craig Horner], Legend of the Seeker (2008-2010)

King Richard [Timothy Omundson], Galavant (2015-2016)

Richard II Plantagenet [Ben Whishaw], The Hollow Crown (2012-2016)

Richard III Plantagenet [Aneurin Barnard], The White Queen (2013)

King Richard III Plantagenet [Benedict Cumberbatch], The Hollow Crown (2012-2016)

King Richard IV [Brian Blessed], The Black Adder (1982)

Rilk [Jesse Lee Keeter] JourneyQuest (2010)

Robert of Artois [Jean Piat], The Accursed Kings (1972)

Robert of Huntingdon [Jason Connery], Robin of Sherwood (1984)

Robert the Bruce [Chris Pine], Outlaw King (2018)

Robin Hood [Errol Flynn], The Adventures of Robin Hood (1938)

Robin Hood [Richard Todd], The Story of Robin Hood and His Merrie Men (1952)

Robin Hood [Sean Connery], Robin and Marian (1976)

Robin Hood [Michael Praed], Robin of Sherwood (1984)

Robin Hood [Kevin Costner], Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves (1991)

Robin Hood [Cary Elwes], Robin Hood: Men in Tights (1993)

Robin Hood [Jonas Armstrong], BBC’s Robin Hood (2006-2009)

Robin Hood [Tom Riley], Doctor Who: “The Robot of Sherwood” (2014)

Robin Longstride [Russell Crowe], Robin Hood (2010)

Rodrigo Borgia [Jeremy Irons], The Borgias (2011-2013)

Rollo [Clive Standen], Vikings (2013-2020)

Roose Bolton [Michael McElhatton], Game of Thrones (2011-2019)

Rosencrantz [Gary Oldman], Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead (1990)

Count Rugen [Christopher Guest], The Princess Bride (1987)

Saburo Naotora Ichimonji [Ryu Daisuke], Ran (1985)

Saladin [Milind Soman], Arn: The Knight Templar (2007), Arn: The Kingdom at Road’s End (2008)

Samwise Gamgee [Sean Astin], The Lord of the Rings Trilogy (2001-2003)

Sandor Clegane [Rory McCann], Game of Thrones (2011-2019)

Saruman [Christopher Lee], The Lord of the Rings Trilogy (2001-2003)

Stannis Baratheon [Stephen Dillane], Game of Thrones (2011-2019)

Tajomaru [Toshiro Mifune], Rashomon (1950)

“The Sherriff of Nottingham” [Alan Wheatley], The Adventures of Robin Hood (1955-1959)

“The Sherriff of Nottingham” [Peter Cushing], The Sword of Sherwood Forest (1960)

“The Sherriff of Nottingham” [Alan Rickman], Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves (1991)

“The Sherriff of Rottingham” [Roger Rees], Robin Hood: Men in Tights (1993)

Sid [Luke Youngblood], Galavant (2015-2016)

Sihtric Kjartansson [Arnas Fedaravicius], The Last Kingdom (2015-2022)

Simon Aumar [Justice Smith], Dungeons & Dragons: Honor Among Thieves (2023)

Steapa [Adrian Bouchet], The Last Kingdom (2015-2022)

Syrio Forel [Miltos Yerolemou], Game of Thrones (2011-2019)

“Taunting French Guard” [John Cleese], Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)

Theoden, Son of Thengel [Bernard Hill], The Lord of the Rings Trilogy (2001-2003)

Thierry de Janville [Jean-Claude Drouot], Thierry la Fronde (1963-1966)

Thomas Becket [Richard Burton], Becket (1964)

Thomas Cromwell [Mark Rylance], Wolf Hall (2015-2024)

Sir Thomas Gray [Nigel Terry], Covington Cross (1992)

Thorin Oakenshield [Richard Armitage], The Hobbit Trilogy (2012-2014)

Thranduil, The Elvenking [Lee Pace], The Hobbit Trilogy (2012-2014)

Thraxus Boorman [Amar Chadha-Patel], Willow (2022)

Tom Builder [Rufus Sewell], The Pillars of the Earth (2010)

Tormund Giantsbane [Kristofer Hivju], Game of Thrones (2011-2019)

Sir Tristan [Kingsley Ben-Adir], King Arthur: Legend of the Sword (2017)

Trumpkin [Peter Dinklage], The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian (2008)

Mr. Tumnus [James McAvoy], The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe (2005)

Turgut Alp [Cengiz Coşkun], Diriliş: Ertuğrul (2014-2019)

Tyrion Lannister [Peter Dinklage], Game of Thrones (2011-2019)

Lord Tywin Lannister [Charles Dance], Game of Thrones (2011-2019)

Ubbe [Jordan Patrick Smith], Vikings (2013-2020)

Uglúk [Nathaniel Lees], The Lord of the Rings Trilogy (2001-2003)

Uhtred of Bebbanburgh [Alexander Dreymon], The Last Kingdom (2015-2022)

Ulrich von Jungingen [Stanislaw Jasiukiewicz], Knights of the Teutonic Order (1960)

“Unnamed Elf Escort” [Bret McKenzie], The Lord of the Rings Trilogy (2001-2003)

Uther Pendragon [Gabriel Byrne], Excalibur (1981)

Uther Pendragon [Anthony Stewart Head], BBC’s Merlin (2008-2012)

Vaisey, Sheriff of Nottingham [Keith Allen], BBC’s Robin Hood (2006-2009)

Vlad III Dracula [Luke Evans], Dracula Untold (2014)

King Vortigen [Jude Law], King Arthur: Legend of the Sword (2017)

Wat [Alan Tudyk], A Knight’s Tale (2001)

Wen Kexing [Gong Jun], Word of Honor (2021)

Westley [Cary Elwes], The Princess Bride (1987)

Wil Ohmsford [Austin Butler], The Shannara Chronicles (2016)

William Wallace [Mel Gibson], Braveheart (1995)

Will Scarlet O’Hara [Matthew Porretta], Robin Hood: Men in Tights (1993)

Will Scarlett [Patrick Knowles], The Adventures of Robin Hood (1938)

Will Scarlett [Christian Slater], Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves (1991)

Will Scarlett [Harry Lloyd], BBC’s Robin Hood, (2006-2009)

William Thatcher [Heath Ledger], A Knight’s Tale (2001)

Willow Ufgood [Warwick Davis], Willow (2022)

Xenk Yendar [Regé-Jean Page], Dungeons & Dragons: Honor Among Thieves (2023)

Zbyszko z Bogdanca [Mieczyslaw Kalenik], Knights of the Teutonic Order (1960)

#pre tournament #entrants #fuck that medieval man #it's raining men

105 notes · View notes