#mentions of D/s dynamic

[frederickkatz]

My feelings are fatal

TIME: November 22nd, 2024 PLACE: Evergreen Graveyard BETWEEN: Adam ( @adamnvamp ) & Fredrick NOTES: Written on Discord. 

Freddie wasn't sure why he had done this. It was always easier to talk to Adam through texts, but he lately realized that his words might be misunderstood through this via of communication and he didn't want any confusion about this. He sighed as he appeared himself at the cemetery, near a big tree where he could sense Adam's energy. He was carrying two thermoses, one with coffee and one with Adam's usual order at the blood bar. He smiled when he spotted the vampire. Outside. In daylight. He arched a brow as he got closer, "Daywalker uh? another perk of dating a fae?" he asked amused and curious as he handed the thermoses to Adam with a polite smile.

The sudden energy around the graveyard surprised him and Adam turned with a smile "Hello there" he waved, putting the rake he used to gather leaves to the side. "Day walker?" He questioned with a tilted head "Ah, because I'm out in the day? Yeah, it's- it's a nice perk. Takes the humans off your tail in no time if they ever get suspicious" he accepted the thermos. He wasn't really hungry, tasting Devon always left him energized anyway, but he knew sharing a drink was an important part of important conversations. "Please, have a seat" the vampire gestured to the bench, taking a seat himself "What has brought you in today?"

Freddie nodded, “it’s a term that has been use for centuries to name vampires who can walk in the daylight. Either by blood or demonic deals,” he explained wondering how much Adam actually knew of his own kind, “angelic and fae blood are the only ones who allow vampires not to be affected by the sun and holy water,” he added just as a fun fact, “oh that too, I always forget about humans and their suspicious,” he shrugged. He accepted the invitation as he sipped his coffee, “I realized that sometimes talking through texts doesn’t give the right vibe and things can be taken out of contexts,” he started, “I would also like to ask for your discretion about this. I know you and Devon probably trust each other with everything, but this is something I don’t want anyone else to know,” he continued.

Adam listened with interest, humming along "Oh I had no idea" he said, the angelic blood was a surprise "I'm not really into Vampiric history or politics, to be honest. I try to be on the verge of it, especially to keep Devon safe" the vampire said, excusing his ignorance. "Of course. I trust Devon with my life, but your secrets are yours to tell, Frederick. He doesn't know of the things we talk about" he shrugged "I'm assuming this is about Cameron?"

“Makes sense, the less you know the safer it is for him, but I think it’s important you know more about your kind. Especially about the things you can and can’t do,” he suggested in a calmed tone, so Adam didn’t feel judged. He nodded when Adam said he assumed it was about Cameron, “yes, and no, in the end is about me,” he sighed, “Do you remember we talked about how it is when we come back to life? The lack of feelings and their development? I mean, for you it was easier because you knew about feelings when you were human so you could relate and compare and understand when you were feeling that again, right?” he said looking at the thermos in his hands, “I don’t have that advantage. I don’t have anything to compare with, and in my head I separate physical feelings, like needs, from emotional ones,” he explained, “the physical ones are easier to understand. Cold, warmth, tiredness, arouse, hunger, attraction, pain…” he listed some, “emotional ones are harder to decipher, especially cause me being what I am, I’m more used and related to the negative ones. Anger, violence, hate, dislike… so it’s odd for me to feel things I don’t quite understand, and I don’t know what to do with that or how to act on those,” he sighed hoping he was making any sense.

"Oh, I'd love to learn, I just don't keep close contact with any other vampire for Dev's safety. But if you'd be willing, we could have a drink sometime and you can enlighten me with what you know" he smiled, showing he wasn't feeling judged, and at the same time, that it wouldn't be today. Today it was about Freddie. Adam listened carefully, sipping from his thermos. It tasted like warm stale coke after having Devon that morning, but what can you do? "Okay, I'm following" he said, nodding "You think there's some new, emotional feelings coming up?"

Freddie smiled, “I don’t that much but I’ll be glad to share what I do know. I’m pretty sure there are some books at the library I could point out for you to learn more about yourself,” he offered. “Yes,” he said simply, “I know my siblings, Warren specially would know exactly what I’m going through but the thing is that Warren has a way to get in people’s heads and business and I don’t want him to do that with Cameron,” he said seriously with a small frown and then he sighed, “How did you realize that you had feelings for Devon?”

"I'd like that" he said simply, nodding along to Freddie's words. "You're worried he'd make Cameron think he felt something he wasn't feeling?" Adam asked honestly, then paused, trying to put his memories into words. "Well, I knew I had feelings for him when I noticed that our sexual encounters weren't just sex anymore" he shrugged, a small smile on his lips "We started dating backwards, so at first we hooked up a few times. Then we spent more time together and... and at some point I realized I couldn't imagine my life without him anymore. Or I could, but it wouldn't be a life worth living" Adam paused again, trying to bring it to a more practical answer "There was this tightness in my chest, a very specific one. When I made him sad, it felt like a hand was squeezing my innards, but when I made him happy my organs seemed to grow so much they barely fit in my ribcage."

Freddie smile a little, keeping in mind some books he should bring to Adam next time they meet up. He shook his head at the question, “No, I’m worried he might make Cameron think I’m feelings things I’m not feeling yet,” he sighed, “Warren means well,” he added, “he wants me to do well in this human thing but I’m not a fast learner as he is. He moves quite faster through the motions. I haven’t been in human form for thousands of years while it’s been the opposite for him so that’s why it’s harder for me. He pushes a little too much as I imagine all older siblings do,” he huffed, “it’s unnerving, honestly,” he shrugged. He listened carefully at Adam’s description and in a way it was all very similar to how his relationship with Cameron had started, “It sounds quite similar because what I have with Cameron started strictly as sex. It was supposed to be a power role agreement. It works for us, but these kinds of agreements are not supposed to involve feelings. It’s supposed to be only physical gratification…” he let out a deep sigh, “the things is that Cameron is just…” he huffed, “since the beginning it’s been different with him. He just falls in the role so naturally that only made me want him more and lately it’s more than just for physical gratification,” he admitted feeling a stupid and unusual blush in his face.

Adam hummed, nodding along and not commenting on how Freddie worded it. Yet, huh. "I've been an only child myself, but from the stories Devon has told me... I'm pretty sure meaning well but being an absolute nuisance is the job description of an older sibling" he shrugged with a playful smile. It was gratifying to see Freddie opening up, for real, for the first time and Adam busied himself drinking his awful drink to give him time to elaborate as much as he wanted "It starts as physical gratification, but you come back" he said simply "Have you ever wondered what makes you keep coming back to him? When it happened with Devon, I had just started regaining feeling, it was almost intoxicating. Like I kept craving this high, this rush, until... I realized it wasn't just that." The vampire offered his own answer, trying to help the horseman not be embarrassed. "What else do you think it is, between you and Cameron, that's not physical gratification?"

Freddie chuckled at the description Adam provided about older siblings, “I envy you for not having to deal with older siblings. I have two and one of them is fed up with me to the point they sent me away, and the other is a true pain in the ass,” he huffed. He nodded, “I have but it’s not all that simple. You see, this is my first time in a male body. All my other times playing human were as a woman, and as a women sex with male and females was way too different as what it is in a male body,” he looked away cause sharing this made him feel exposed and slightly uncomfortable to tell it to someone else, “I’ve been in this body for over two hundred years, and I mostly focused on women. Cameron wasn’t the first male who hit on me, but it was the first who made me want to try more. He has also been the only male I’ve been involved in the kind of agreement we have, so I’m not sure if that’s the reason, or if it is because he’s fae, or because he just falls into what I need so naturally and easily that is intoxicating and addictive,” he blushed again cause it did sound similar to what Adam had described.

“He wanted to hang out,” he rolled his eyes but kept on smiling, “he said we were friends apart from the sex thing and he said friends hang out and just share things and I’ve never had friends before, I do now, but it’s still different with him and I found myself enjoying those little hangouts. Most times they end up in sex and the sex is still what we agreed on and everything our deal entails, but…” he swallowed hard, “we kept apart for a few days because I was dealing with some family issues,” he said bitterly, “and dealing with work and moving to a new place and I found myself craving his presence, his voice, his texts, his smile, his silly jokes and when we finally saw each other it was not how sex usually was between us and I wasn’t bothered about it, but I don’t want to say things I don’t understand and confuse him or give him hope of something I’m not sure I’m capable of feelings…. Besides, he is dating someone, and I don’t want to mess up with that,” he shrugged taking a sip of his coffee.

"Ah yes, I've heard that many times, but I myself would've loved having a sibling, so I guess we're never happy with what we have, right?" He smiled, listening as he turned the thermos around his hands. "Ah, now it makes sense why it's such a complicated topic" the vampire nodded with a small frown. "I'm not going to pretend like I understand what your deal entails, and to be honest that's between you two and I wouldn't even want to intrude" he started gently "But let me ask you this: If you went out tonight, and you found another man, who was similar in bed, who fell into this role just as well as Cameron did and gave you everything you crave from sex with him... Would you stop seeing Cameron?" The vampire prompted, sincerely. "Because the other times we talked about him, sex was always the primal point, and now... It comes out like an afterthought, almost." He shrugged, with a heavy sigh "Ah yes, Trevor right? That complicates things further." Adam let a silence stretch between them "I know it's not your nature, but please entertain me for a moment. If you could imagine your life as perfect as it could be, the most ideal and utopic or sceneries, be it now or in ten years or a hundred. Would you want to be feeling... something you're not sure you're capable of feeling right now... for Cameron?"

Freddie hummed and nodded, "And here I thought that was merely a human flaw," he said playfully. Freddie took a moment before answering, "the thing is that after that first time with Cameron, I did look out for others. I did sleep with others and even tried the same agreement, but it just didn't feel the same. Some where too eager and others not eager enough. Cameron just fit in perfectly on what I didn't know I was looking for," he admitted, "even while I was sleeping with others, I kept coming back for Cameron," he added. "It's not quite like that. How familiar are you with the Dominant and submissive dynamics?" He asked because that played a huge role on his relationship with Cameron, and he didn't want Adam to compare it to a more romantic kind of situation. "The think all of you fail to understand is that there are feelings I don't know how they feel because I've never felt them. I don't know what love feels like. I don't know what compassion feels like. I don't know what nostalgia feels like. I don't know what they are, that is why I keep saying I don't know if I'm capable of feeling them," he deflated a little at that, "I'm not trying to be evasive and I say I don't want to feel those things, I just don't know what they are," he added with a frown.

Adam listened carefully, nodding along. He was surprised when the subject of Dominance and submissiveness came up, though. "I'm familiar" he said simply, prompting the other.

It was visible how frustrated Freddie seemed to be with the situation and the vampire took a long moment to work out what to say. "The way I see it, love isn't just one feeling." He said, placing his drink to the side to get Freddie's attention "Love is a bundle of emotions. That's why it's so complex and different for everyone, because it's build of different blocks for everyone. Some people's love is built on sex, others have nothing to do with sex at all - that's why it's hard to explain" He smiled "My love for my old fiancée, it burned. Not like a fire, but like liquor. It had lust mixed with happiness and anger and discovery. When I came back, I looked for it, and I couldn't find it. Then, my love for him became a mix of nostalgia, of melancholy, and care. Because I still care deeply about him, but there was no spark left" Adam paused, closing his eyes to access it, a stupid smile on his lips "My love for Devon is built on fun. It's bubbly and soft and sexy and comfortable. It's happiness and change and care and devotion. It's like... the feeling of being fresh out of the shower or the sensation of jumping into a pool on a hot day. It's the silly temporary satisfaction of filling a cup to the brim and not spilling over or finding your favorite shirt in the back of the wardrobe when you've forgotten it exists. It's completely ordinary happenings that make me feel lucky. Because I wasn't looking for it, but this love for Devon found me anyway."

Freddie nodded when Adam said he was familiar with the dynamics, "I've moved into that lifestyle most of the time I've been corporeal and it's the first time I found someone who just fulfills that need and it's someone who's fairly new to it all. I've tried it with new people and experimented people and still Cameron just works for me," he explained without giving details on their roles.

Adam was being more than helpful with the way he explained it, sadly, most of the examples he gave were completely foreign for Freddie but in the end he got what the vampire was trying to explain, "I imagined there was not one definition of what love is or feels like, I just wish there was a way for me to understand it. You, like Cameron and Devon, we're humans once and for most of your lives, which is the thing that differentiate me and my siblings from you and why it's hard. You all grew up and learned through experiences what the feeling are. I was created an adult. My learning process is biased. Technically I'm not supposed to feel positive things and I haven't experienced them until recently, that is why this brain cannot connect the dots to understand the things in feeling," he sighed, "I'm not saying I feel love for Cameron or that I don't. I just don't know what are those things he makes me feel," he shrugged, "I do know I care about him. I want him to be happy, I want him to be safe. I don't like it when he's sad or hurt. I like it when he smiles and when he starts talking nonstop about something he's passionate about, but I don't know what to do with it," he leaned back and looked at the sky setting in the horizon, "I don't want to tell him much about this because I don't want to give him hope and then hurt him if I can't feel what he might expect me to feel. Especially now he has someone who's feelings are reciprocated."

Adam nodded along, careful not to prod "Okay, and what's the issue with it? If he works for you, isn't it good? Isn't it... what you'd hope to find?" He asked with a soft voice, grabbing his thermos again.

He took a long sip of it, sighing when Freddie finished "I understand. And I actually think it's very emotionally mature of you, to care so deeply about his feelings like this" The vampire paused "I'm afraid I'm not some emotion-doctor, who could diagnose you with love or passion or whatever it is you're feeling. But still I'd like to offer you something to think about" he waited until Freddie looked at him. "Words are just definitions. They're made up, and we assign meaning to them. I could write poetry about love, but in the end it is just a four-lettered word" Adam smiled "What I mean, is: you mentioned you're learning about these feelings with Cameron, and he's learning about this lifestyle with you. You can both learn this kind of love - or whatever name you'd like to give it - together. You can even ask him, what he expects from someone who loves him, what they're expected to feel. You can tell him what you feel, however you understand it, and as long as it's an honest and open conversation, there won't be any hopes built to fall. Cameron is many things, but he's not stupid. If you explain it to him, he'll understand. Just as I did."

Freddie hesitated for a moment about the subject, but he found a way to explain it, "Since day one all the times I've had sex with Cameron was in a scene. All of them but the last time. I don't know what that was, but it wasn't a scene, and it wasn't casual sex either and I don't know how I feel about it," he finally said.

He was thankful for Adam's opinion on the way he cared about Cameron's feelings and he smiled a bit sadly when the vampire said he couldn't help him giving him an answer because there wasn't one. "I appreciate that very much," he said with a nod even though he didn't really like the idea of talking to Cameron about this, "I know he's not stupid but he's also not very patient. The only time we had some sort of disagreement was because he pushed me to put a name on the things I was feeling in that moment. I know he was trying to help but if I tell him now about this chaos inside of me, he'll want to help me categorized then and I think it's something I need to do on my own and at my pace," he sighed sadly, "he really doesn't like waiting and I know he will want to try to be patient but I know the wait will still hurt him so maybe it is something I need to figure out on my own before telling him anything."

"And was it something you'd like to have again?" Adam asked simply.

"I'd say to give him a chance, we change, and we learn, so does he. I say that because I saw him leaving Devon's apartment the other day, I'm assuming it was while you were away, and he looked absolutely miserable. When we care about people, we put in extra effort to make sure they're understood." He nodded along "I understand. Either way, it's your decision. But if you think talking it out with anyone could help, you know where to find me."

Freddie frowned and considered it for a moment, "remember when we talked about I've fight and fly instinct? I felt that but I didn't let it win because I knew that if I left in that very moment, Cameron would have been hurt and I promise not to hurt him again if I could help it. So I'm not sure I would want it to happen again," he admitted.

He nodded but didn't vocally agree, "see that's exactly why I'm being careful. He's supposed to be happy with Trevor and not feeling bad because I had to stay away to handle some things," he sighed tiredly, "Thank you, Adam. I really appreciate it, it has helped a lot, it really has, and I don't know how to repay you for this," he smiled.

Adam nodded "It makes sense." He said "If that fight or flight instinct calmed down, thinking about the rest of the encounter, would you want it to happen again?" Adam asked "I say that because that instinct is normal when something is new, but as you get used to it, it goes away. But if the whole thing is something you didn't like, there's no reason to overthink it when you can just go back to your normal sessions, don't you think?"

The comment made Adam chuckle softly and he hid behind his hand "I'm sorry, it's just that.... Frederick, being in a relationship doesn't mean someone is happy all of the time. To go through emotions is... if not human, inherit of the living experience. If he was sad about something, it's because that something mattered to him, and no amount of love in the world can keep you from feeling bad emotions from time to time" He shrugged when Freddie thanked him, asking how to repay him "You're doing your best to keep Cameron safe, his safety matters a lot to Devon, and he matters to me, so... don't mention it, ok? We're good, mate."

Freddie shook his head, "it didn't calm down. I pushed it down but I still feel it when I think about it," he admitted, "I would rather to go back to our usual scenes," he said even if it didn't feel entirely right.

The laugh made him arch a brow, "I know that, not by experience obviously, I just don't want to affect his life that much. It's not fair and it feels wrong," he said not really wanting to get into more detail. Who would've know that talking feelings was so exhausting? He smiled a bit and nodded, "Thank you, Adam, really. You are a really good friend," he said offering his hand for a shake.

The answer he got made him sigh. Baby steps. "Then that's what you do. Try that out and let me know how you feel about it, ok?"

"I'm afraid you can't control how much he lets you affect his life, buddy. That's his choice" the vampire said, then smiled at the thanks, shaking Freddie's hand back "Thanks, man."

Freddie nodded even if he had no intention to give Adam feedback about his next encounter with Cameron, "alright, I'll try it out, thanks."

He huffed at the answer, "I wish I could," he admitted. He nodded and picked his thermos back, "I probably should let you go back to work," he said standing up, "see you around?"

"I know, buddy" he said with a tight smile, then nodded with an actual smile, getting up as well "See you around, Freddie. Take care!"