#men at all... like leave me alone. the pessimism online is ENOUGH

[3416]

dad and i are trying to get into hockey together bc we want a father son sports bond and hockey is the only sport other than soccer im interested in but we're both sick so its just a conversation of both of us saying "canucks" in different ways while i try to remember how to spell kraken so i can find the scores from friday and saturday

JFKLSJDFKLSD HI ANON. love you jumping right into this story, but i hope you guys feel better and managed to entertain yourselves yesterday and rest . take lots of care. does that mean you're a fan of the canucks and the kraken?? bc 😭😭😭😭

[z4g4c-blog]

3/18/2019

Part of the thing that is making leaving the country very easy for me is that I do not have anyone in my life that I care about or want to continue seeing. The only people I know that I consider friends I am perfectly content with occasionally chatting with using social media. These friends are too busy to actually be a real friend anyway. I have no interest in communicating with any of my family members. It doesn’t bring me anything positive or useful. They are not helpful for any kind of advice or support for anything of any kind. They are completely useless to talk to for guidance in any field. Almost all of my friends are immature losers that bring me down with them and provide me no perceivable benefit at all. They just piss me off. There’s nothing valuable I can gain from any of them. The only person I want to talk to wants nothing to do with me so now I have no one. If I am home and think I feel lonely there is literally no person I can message or call that will pick up or have anything to say. I have no clue how to meet people or make friends when you have graduated from school. There is no situation where you are around people sitting in a space other than in random public places or the subway. You can’t just walk up to someone and start talking to them or you will seem insane. I hate when people talk to me on the subway. If someone normal did it would probably be tolerable, but it’s always some piss stained fucking guy that I can’t even understand even though they technically are speaking English. It is amazing how many people in the city who were raised with English as their only language are completely incomprehensible. I’m not talking only about black people. Every race is represented in this group. I have so many conversations with people where I can’t even respond because there is no linguistic content to be analyzed that can form a complete thought for me to process. I don’t get this. My ex girlfriend used to say that you can just walk up to anyone and start talking to them anywhere and it isn’t weird. Obviously this is true if you are female and attractive, there is no existing set of social standards for that demographic. Attractive women can live their entire adult lives acting like children if they want to and it goes under the radar. If an adult man comes up to you in public basically anywhere your first thought is defense or how you are going to escape the scenario. Nobody wants to talk to some random guy in public. There are a lot of people I met at school that I like but none that I would consider actual friends. More of acquaintances or even just people in my network. The only ones I would hang out with never have time. The rest of them I don’t share enough in common to enjoy spending extended time around. The thing that I always feel is that If I am in a place where everyone around me likes me a lot more than I like them and all listen to what I have to say, then I’m in the wrong place and I have nothing to gain by being there. If I am able to feel like a leader then what am I going to gain by being there? Nothing. I find it very difficult to be friends with women. I have tried to and if I am attracted to them then it ends up leading to sex, but then they want it to be a relationship which I do not want. Then with girls that I am not attracted to, I start to realize that they are getting the wrong idea entirely and I can no longer be friends with them or have anything to do with them. Knowing that someone is interested in me disgusts me. I hate being around women that are attracted to me. I hate feeling wanted. Especially in my relationships. The feeling of knowing that they desire me makes me completely uninterested and makes me feel almost no attraction to them at all. I’m only attracted to things that I can have. If it turns out I can have it, then it loses all appeal instantly. I have talked to a few girls recently and chatted with them a bit online and for some reason I ask some of them if they want to go do anything and as soon as they say they do and are interested I immediately realize what the fuck am I doing? This isn’t worth my time this is completely pointless. Why the fuck am I going to go spend an entire day off work with this girl when I could be on the computer or playing a game or just sitting in a chair staring at the wall. Instantly because the possibility of going and actually doing something is on the table I realize that I never wanted to do anything in the first place even though I originally started talking to people because I felt like I had nothing to do and was lonely. I don’t actually want to interact with people and I don’t even have the energy or motivation to have sex. I just want the possibility to be available so I remember that I could be doing something even though I don’t want to. Same goes for making plans with anyone or with anything ahead of time. If I do something completely sporadically then there isn’t a chance of realizing it’s pointless and then I just go do the thing. If I plan it in advance, the day rolls around then I don’t want to go and if i push myself to just do it, I go and have a bad time. Especially now that my commute is like two hours. Virtually nothing is worth doing if I have to load the event for 2 hours to get there and 2 hours to get home. Fuck that. It’s a loading screen on life. It’s like having to reinstall windows every time I want to play counter strike for 30 minutes. Not that I would play counter strike. Once I get to Japan I will continue to be completely alone because the only people that want to talk to foreigners are probably idiots. The only people that I will be able to communicate with in english will still have a wall between us in understanding. I have met many Japanese people that have very good English, but only good in the sense of how far they have come since it is so hard to learn for Japanese people. It will be the same for me once I am proficient in Japanese, I will not be able to convey what I am actually thinking with enough finesse to display my actual personality. I will only be able to communicate like a robot. That is how japanese people are in english. It isn’t possible to have meaningful relationships with people who are not natively fluent in the same language as you unless they are actually able to become fluent to a high degree which no one in japan is for english. Same as anyone in the west learning japanese. It’s not even pessimism. It is actually impossible for someone to self teach themselves to be fluent. You can understand and speak, but you will not learn to think in Japanese. Without long exposure you will not speak the way people actually do, because people do not speak correctly. They use slang and incorrect grammar and colloquial things that are too esoteric for any textbook. I know for a fact that even the highest trained english speaker in japan that has not lived in america for at least a decade, I would be able to speak in ways that they cannot comprehend or translate. I do not actually believe that I will make no friends in Japan. I know that I will make friends there, but I am skeptical of how meaningful any relationship I will have with any japanese people. Especially in terms of a romantic relationship. I do not have a racial preference in terms of attraction. I have spurts of flavor of the month fixations for short amounts of time, but overall I am attracted to all kinds of people pretty much equally because it is a completely individual thing. That being said, I do not want to be a white guy with an asian wife or girlfriend. It’s not a good look. I don’t have anything against it, but it’s the most shamed and sterotyped possible partner for a white man to have. It seems like there is a joke to be made or some stereotype to be said about any mixed race couple, but it feels like this is the worst one. It feels like any relationship with an asian person makes westerners assume it is just because they are asian. Which for some people it probably is because there is something called racial familiarity. This is something most americans do not have. This is part of the phenomenon of people being unable to differentiate between people from other racial groups. People say all asian people or all black people look the same because they have seen so few of them in their life that the only feature their brain is able to process is the fact that they are black or asian. This isn’t even something you can blame people for. People can’t develop racial familiarity if they live in a homogenous area. Expecting people in rural china to think of you other than just a white or black person is absurd. If you live in the city in america you develop a much higher level of racial familiarity, but most people do not live in the city. Part of the thing with racial familiarity is the phenomenon of men going to other countries and dating very ugly women. This is a common thing in asia. Men with low racial familiarity to asian people do not see individual people, they just see the fact that they are asian and are attracted to that aspect alone. This is kindof what I am getting at. I do not want to be seen this way. I believe that I have a somewhat advanced level of racial familiarity especially with asian people because I have been around them my entire life. I do not have an asian fetish and am not at all obsessed with asia which is the whole problem of the perception of people that go to asian countries that I want to avoid. There are a number of very specific things that appeal to me in Japan specifically. I would never in a million years want to live in china or any SEA cess pool. Fuck korea too. I am going there with purpose not because I love anime and video games. This is going off the rails in terms of focus a bit, but I guess my point is that I feel a bit self conscious about interracial dating to an extent. I do not feel in any way actually embarrassed or ashamed or that it is any less of a relationship, but I have heard so many things said that are hard to get out of my head that will make me thing people are saying or thinking about me. My ex girlfriend was mixed and I never felt anything weird about that at all. in fact I never actually thought about it at all. But it did attract unwanted attention from black people. What amazes me about the disrespect from black people in public is that i thought it was bad when white people don’t like black people now suddenly if someone clearly does like a black person then it’s still bad. Which one is it black people? make up your mind. I do feel disgusted by most american white girls though. If anything I feel like that’s almost the only demographic I actually don’t feel interested in to any extent. If their parents were from a different country then that’s a bit different, but actual americans are just fucked. I’ve lost my train of thought here so that’s it for now.