#melancholy at the fact that I can't have a romance like this | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

lxnababy · 15 days ago

Text

TOUJOURS

COMMITMENT LOST CHAPTER TWO: TOUJOURS

part one

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚

wc: 6.2k

Ariana is sad.

Well, that's a given. There is always a melancholy cloud that seems to follow behind her since she was a child, shrinking some years and puffing up others. It's a common occurrence for her to spend a day or two a month holed up in her room, surrounded by giant blankets and overstuffed pillows, reading a romance novel with tears streaming down her face.

By the end of the book, when the main characters get a happy sappy ever after, she shuts the book and lies on her bed, staring at the ceiling until the hours turn into a whole night. She calls it her version of Rest and Relaxation, but she knows it is probably a psychological problem she needs to evaluate much deeper.

But recently, the cloud of melancholy has grown so much it envelops her. She trudges to work, trudges to classes, hands in assignments late, and stares numbly out her old window to the beautiful view of the city. It doesn't seem to have the same spark as it did before; like she finally sees what every depressed, corporate New Yorker sees.

Today, on a particularly cold and rainy Sunday, she is on her old couch, curled up with a blanket as she cries. What she is crying for, she doesn't know.

She could be mourning the loss of Hannah, who hasn't returned any of her text messages since the event over a week ago. She could be upset by the unexpected absence of Harry—after all, she thought men like him enjoyed a good chase. She could be homesick, despite not traveling back to France for almost two years.

She can't figure out what has her so down until she finally understands. Everything. Everything has her upset and overwhelmed.

Knowing she has to wake up each morning with her heart full of unrequited love, aching heavily in her chest and weighing her down. Knowing she cares too deeply for the man across from her on the subway who seems to live there, his arms crossed as he tries (and fails) to get comfortable for a fitful bout of sleep. Knowing she has never felt the same amount of love she gives to others. No one ever thinks about how her day must have been as they lay awake at night, no one picks up a magazine off the stand at a convenience store simply because it reminds them of her.

But complaining about being too caring doesn't feel right. So she doesn't tell Niall, despite his prodding at her upset resting face at brunch the morning before.

"Ari," he pokes her with his fork. "You know you can tell me anything. I won't tell Hannah or Harry or anyone. It can just sit in my brain like a hen sitting on an egg."

Ariana remembers she shakes her head and laughs, then. "Your brain works in mysterious ways, Ni," she deflects his previous comment.

She could've told Niall her woes; in fact, she's unsure why she didn't. He wouldn't have judged her, she knew that. She's spent a fair amount of nights crying in Hannah and Niall's arms after getting ghosted by a man she swore was different—or the time her family canceled her flight home, explaining they needed the money to focus on the kids. The kids were the children her parents had together after she moved across the country.

Nevertheless, it has come to her attention that she is too emotional. From now on, she dedicates one woeful day to just herself, and the other six are complete with cheery smiles and bright eyes.

A loud, unwelcome knock on her apartment door, though, disrupts her misery.

It is sharp and short, though it repeats itself when she doesn't get up promptly. She curses to herself, blinking tears from her eyes and scrubbing her red cheeks as she makes her way to the front door.

Whipping it open blindly, she is met with sleek, black boots. Her head snaps up in confusion, her eyebrows furrowing when she sees who is at her front door, her hair slightly drooping and wet from the rain, white dress shirt sticking to a tattoo-clad figure.

"Sorry for no notice. Just figured I haven't seen you in a while and you weren't at BAR last night."

BAR, conveniently named, happens to be the club she keeps bumping into him at. BAR is the place she rightfully avoids now, knowing Hannah is probably occupying a table.

"So you... came to my house?" Ariana squints up at him, noticing his eyes already searching hers. His brows begin to furrow as she guesses he realizes she's been crying. "Well, I'm alive. Thanks for the wellness check, Harry." She figures a harsh bite of humor will hopefully stop Harry from whatever pity-filled question he would ask in regards to her crying. She leans against her door frame, suddenly aware of how little she is wearing.

Her sleep shorts consisted of women's boxers—a heather gray cotton fabric that could barely be classified as shorts, and her hoodie had the neckline cut off, exposing her braless shoulder. Her hair is woven into a thick braid that falls down her back, her bare face beginning to swell from the hours of drowning in her misery.

"Barely, it looks like," he cracks a smile. "Mind if I come in? I brought party favors," he holds up a bottle of red wine she hadn't noticed he was holding until now, the glass clinking against his heavy rings.

Ariana tilts her head, intrigued. "Why?"

Harry rocks back and forth on his feet. "Because a pretty girl like you shouldn't be upset on God's rest day. It's supposed to be a day of recharging," he explains, scratching the back of his head. It appears Harry has a very dry sense of humor; the kind where she can't tell if he is making a joke or being dead serious.

Ariana knows she shouldn't invite him in. She knows their priorities are different, knows she will read into every word he says and fully believe it. And Harry, well, is a flirt. A massive, beautiful flirt who probably has used that line on many women before her, and will on many women after her.

But she steps aside. "Only because red wine's my favorite," she justifies.

A half hour later, she is sitting across from him at her shitty dinner table, pouring both of them a third glass of wine while babbling about nothing of importance. When did you move to New York? Do you like it here?

"Why'd you come here? I'm sure you have better things to be doing on a Sunday," Ariana crosses her arms, challenging him. Her vision starts to blur and there seem to be two Harry's if she squints just enough, but the buzz of the wine seems to calm her emotions perfectly. Perfectly enough to begin questioning the odd, mysterious man in front of her.

Harry only matches her stature, leaning back in the rickety wooden chair. "Why were you crying? I'm sure you have better things to be doing on a Sunday," he provokes.

Ariana's fingers tighten on her wine glass. Her breath catches in her throat.

"Parce que, Harry, I think I've won the lottery of shittiest luck." She answers vaguely. "And I think I'm prettiest after I cry. It's my way of relaxing,"

Harry can't help the smile that floats over his face. He wouldn't have even noticed the change of expression if it wasn't for the ache his muscles felt; he doesn't smile genuinely often. It is an odd reaction to such a miserable confession, but it is her confession. She told him something that wasn't common knowledge. That is, after all, what he was trying to get her to do all night—tell him something she wants to say, not pleasantries or boring, overused questions.

"I will say you look beautiful bare-faced. Brings out your eyes," he compliments. "How many more wine do we have?" He stutters through the question after downing the last of his glass and shakily putting it down on the table.

"Many?" Ariana begins to laugh at his horrid grammar.

Harry simply grumbles, waving off his mistake with incoherent mumblings. "I think I have a rosé somewhere—"

"The piss of wines," Harry interrupts boldly, staring at her with a deadpan look.

Ariana gasps dramatically at his statement. "How dare you! It's pink!" She narrows her eyes. "Rosé is joyful. Do you hate joy, Harry?"

Harry scoffs. "Yes, I'm the Big Bad Wolf. I hate joy and also rosé. And this fucking chair—I mean, give my tailbone a break." He shifts uncomfortably in his seat, making Ariana giggle softly.

Maybe it is the fact Harry seems to have bought a forty-proof bottle of wine, or the fact she hasn't eaten all day, or the fact she just downed her third glass in a half hour, or the fact they finished the bottle, but Ariana is drunk.

"Well, let's move to the couch, Mr. Big Bad Wolf." She hops up, skipping over to tug on his arm annoyingly so he'd follow her to the overstuffed, very soft couch she bought from a thrift store two years ago.

Somehow, she ends up in his arms. His bicep is hooked over her neck loosely, her chin pressed against the muscle and her head resting in his armpit as she lays in one direction and he lays perpendicular to her, trapping her against him. It's not like she wasn't expecting it—their conversations felt like extended foreplay with how much sexual tension sizzled between them—but she was delightfully surprised at how gentle and slow he was being. How caring he is, for talking to her without trying to use her.

She looks up at him, craning her neck to see his bloodshot eyes. "Wanna know a secret?" Ariana asks, her smile disappearing and the playful tone falling off her words beginning to slow.

"Toujours," [Always] Harry replies.

"I've never been in a relationship. But they seem fun, I think I'd have fun in a relationship." Ariana speaks the last bit to herself, furrowing her brow at the indication she might be oversharing with a man she had promised not to get involved with. It slips out before her brain can stop the message, but it sounds pathetic to be telling a man who she just met how lonely she is.

Harry, with the hand that was tucked behind his head as he lounges on the couch, brings it up to brush the stray, feathery bangs of her chestnut hair away from her face delicately. "That's funny," he says after a minute.

Ariana scoffs, sitting up and turning to face him. "Why? Am I not meant for one?" She sounds hurt like the wine had stripped all of her comebacks and left her defenseless against Harry's wrath.

Harry shakes his head, the bottle of rosé he swore he wouldn't drink sitting tucked under his other armpit, almost empty. "You're meant for one. I'm pretty sure any guy in the entirety of New York would kill for a chance with you. I just think it's funny you want one so badly," he explains, never getting up from his lounging spot even if she was now towering over him.

Ariana squints, disregarding his compliments. "What do you have against relationships, Harry? It's cuddling and talking and sharing families and getting a cat—"

"If you think that's what a relationship is, I hate to break your bubble, but it's ninety percent arguing and ten percent crying." He interrupts. "I'm just not a relationship person. I can't handle... being dependent and constantly worrying about them and getting attached." He looks away from her, his hands squeezing the neck of the bottle as they fall into silence for a few moments. "But if you want a relationship, Ari, I'll help you find the best relationship out there."

She climbs closer to him, resting her head on his shoulder now and melting her body into his side. "We're very different people, Harry," she sighs into his neck, the sound reverberating off the walls of Harry's brain as he holds onto her tighter. "Why have a heart if you won't use it?" The question is vague. She wants to say, humans are supposed to love, but that sounds corny. She wants to convince Harry that relationships should hurt and that sitting in the numb feeling of loneliness created by none other than yourself is much worse than a few tears and rocky weeks with someone you love.

Harry looks down at her—she knows he wants her to meet his gaze, but she can't. She's hurt, hurt someone could feel this way about something so magical. "I think you know that answer," his voice is low like they were sharing a secret.

Her breath hitches. Harry Styles is scared.

She finally looks up at him. "We don't have to use our hearts, then. I'm willing to settle," his hand slides to her hips, the tension in the room filling her ears with fluid and making everything hard to hear. She chews on her lip; she wants to taste his, even if she knows nothing will ever come of it. And she knows he wants that too, with the predatory looks he's been giving her all night, the soft touches that turned into pure electricity.

Harry squeezes the plushy part of the skin sitting over her hip bone. "You're too sweet for this, Ariana,"

"No, I'm not, and you can't hurt me, Harry. We're so different, and I want this. Especially because you're..." she trails off, her eyes flicking to his lips as their heads draw closer together. She doesn't feel herself moving, she simply is. Or is Harry getting closer? She can't tell, but she doesn't care.

He smirks. "Finish the sentence," she shakes her head stubbornly. "Finish the sentence or I'll make you finish the sentence."

Ariana's heart drops and her cheeks flush, heat filling her belly as the leg thrown over his tightened against his. "Especially because you're a sculpture that should be in the Louvre. You're so handsome it almost hurts to look at you, and that's not my type. I like ugly guys," she cracks a joke, trying to ease the rocky ocean water settling between her thighs.

Harry pushed her gently onto her back as he opened her legs to climb inside. "Ariana, you're a putain d'ange [fucking angel]. You're just so you, I've never met anyone like you." He is mumbling, and she knows the sentence isn't meant for her, even though it is addressed to her. He is speaking quietly, eyes roaming her body like one would drink in a beautiful piece of art.

She reaches her head up to kiss him; she's never wanted something so bad. Her mouth feels chapped, her body on fire and the only cure is Harry's soft, wine-sodden lips on hers. But he moves back ever so slightly. "Let me show you?"

It comes out as a question, and Harry isn't sure why he said it. Let me show you the good parts of a relationship, is his full sentence. Let me show you what those other boys can't.

Ariana nods eagerly, though pauses. "I don't want to... do everything," she frowns, bracing herself for an explosion. It usually came from one-night stands who realized they wouldn't get lucky. "I'm sorry," she adds quickly.

Harry frowns. "Don't apologize. I could go home right now and still be over the fucking moon." His hand drops from her hip, a smile cracking onto her face almost like he is reassuring her it's okay to speak up for what she wants. He backs up a bit, thinking Ariana is a bit overwhelmed by how close they are.

But she just puts his hand back, shaking her head. "I wanna do some things," she shows him a teasing grin. "With you, specifically. Obviously,"

Harry laughs, cutting himself off by dipping down to kiss her. Their lips move feverishly, their mouths tasting of wine. It is sloppy and quick, forcing Ariana to arch her back into him, her hips involuntarily rutting against his.

After a few minutes of heavy, hot kissing, she figures something out: Harry isn't going to make the first move. He took her wariness as a sign and stayed in her comfort zone. His hands are on her hips, cemented in place, his lips never straying far from hers. So she squeezes her leg around him tighter, half-heartedly grinding against him. No real pleasure comes from that action; it is more of a way to initiate Harry, but he understands.

He grips her hip hard, forcing her against the couch as he starts to grind against the sweet spot in between her thighs. She gasps at the action, her hands going straight to his hair and tugging on the curls as he drops his mouth open and backs up slightly to look at her. When they glimpse at each other, they both unravel the slightest bit more.

His eyes are bloodshot and pleading, hers submissive and filled with want. Her cheeks are flushed, her eyebrows furrowed. He has to look away; it is like looking at the sun. She is so, so beautiful.

"Please let me taste you,"

His voice is raspy and broken, his lips wet with their saliva as he rutted against her for the minimal release it gives the tension tight in his belly.

Ariana nods. "I've never—no one's ever," she stumbles over her words.

Harry shakes his head in disbelief. "You fucked pussies, Ari. Let me show you," the phrase fell from his lips again, almost unwarranted. Let me show you real pleasure. Let me show you how you're supposed to be treated.

Ariana starts to giggle, the sound bouncing around his ribs. "I know. It's a little embarrassing to admit—" She cuts herself off with a high-pitched gasp once she feels his fingers pluck at the hem of her shorts, his eyes trained on hers.

"Is this okay?" He is itching to rip them off, itching to see her tiny cotton boxers in tatters on the floor, a reminder for her once he left of how good he made her feel. How responsive she is. How he notices every goosebump on her skin, every hitch in her breath.

She nods.

When he pulls her boxers down, her hand flies to the one resting on her hip. She laces their fingers together, nervous about how literally naked she is in front of him. He simply let her take his hand, not phased by her nerves.

"Si beau," [So beautiful] he mutters, eyes trained on the apex of her thighs, mouth watering. "You're so beautiful, Ariana." He then raises his eyes to hers, like he wants her to believe it.

She turns red. He simply repeats the sentence.

And then he dives between her thighs, ravishing her. Her head is thrown back, her fingers squeezing his. She tries to lock her legs around his head, the nudging of his tongue becoming overwhelming, but Harry simply pushes them back open with his elbows, eyes closed as he eats her out like he is starving.

She is whining and gasping, a coil in her belly appearing. "Harry, I can't—no one else has ever made me—please, H, ne t'arrête pas." [don't stop] She is babbling, her eyes shutting hard as he digs into her deeper.

When she releases, she swears she touched a star. Her eyes roll back, her fingers grip his hair so tight she is afraid she is hurting him, her legs tensing. He just moans into her, lapping all of her up until she is shaking from oversensitivity and pushing him away.

Only then does he climb up her body, kissing her with her release on his tongue, much gentler than he was before. Only then does he rub circles on her outer thigh, shushing her with soothing French nonsense.

"See? Now you'll never go back to those boys. You've graduated from my masterclass, mademoiselle." [missy] He teases, pushing her hair from her face.

Ariana rolls her eyes, pushing herself to sit up. "I think my legs are jelly," she frowns, trying to lean over and grab her boxers, but failing.

Harry retrieves them for her, even sliding them up her legs and over her stomach. "You really are beautiful, Ari. I didn't just say that in the heat of the moment,"

Her stomach flips. But you don't want a relationship, she reminds herself. You're just a flirt. But flirt or not, she can't get enough of him.

"Well, I really do think you should be in the Louvre," she smiles when he leans down to give her another kiss.

—

Ariana nudges at her eggs, stealthily checking her phone. 10:18 AM. She has an hour and twelve minutes until her class starts, but she knows Hannah will drink up her time greedily.

"—But Kian kept telling me my hair looked brown, and it was pissing me off! Like, as the best-rated hair stylist in the upper west side, he should know not to insult an ashy blonde like that." Hannah rants, throwing her arms up in annoyance as her barely touched avocado toast sits diagonal to her cappuccino.

They decided to talk things out.

Well, Ariana decided to. After Harry left last night (only after Ariana made him promise to get an Uber and collect his car the next morning), she decided to text Hannah. She knows Harry won't be long-term, she knows it will end up in flames, so she needs something constant. Even if the constant is Hannah's complaining and Ariana's internal eye rolls.

Now they are back to normal. "I don't think he was trying to be rude, though," Ariana counters, her mind wandering as she refutes Hannah's statement.

Maybe she should lie, and say her class starts early. Maybe she should cuss Hannah out in French again—it seemed to work the first time. Or maybe, the most likely option, she should sit in silence, trying to parcel out her relationships with dissatisfaction lingering in her mind. Dissatisfaction that she clings onto Hannah, or pretends to be loose and spontaneous with Harry.

Just be malleable, she reminds herself. People like being close to their reflections.

—

The texting started Monday afternoon.

Then fell into Tuesday, which led into Wednesday.

Then, they upgraded to calls.

"I think I'm free tonight. Just come over," Ariana surprises herself with how lenient she is being, inviting Harry over on a weeknight.

"I'll bring pizza. I'm ravenous after fixing cars all day," she can hear his douchey smile.

Ariana gulps. "Sounds good,"

"À bientôt," [See you soon]

Turns out, it was soon.

She is in ratty jeans and a hoodie from painting in her bedroom, her hair tied back messily and her face freshly washed when she answers the door. A smile climbs onto her lips as she invites Harry inside, his sneakers squeaking against the old wooden floor as he steps in.

"It's fucking freezing in here," are his first words to her.

"I have fuzzy blankets," she offers, though turns into his chest when he decides to surprise her with a one-handed greeting hug, the other hovering over her back while balancing a box of pizza.

She returns it with a delighted grin stretched across her cheeks, her head tilted up to meet his eyes. They sparkle like even his irises are excited to see her.

Following her to the living room, he opens the box on the coffee table and leans back on the overstuffed sofa, kicking off his shoes and running a hand through his curls tiredly. "How was your day, amour?" He asks, his head falling back into a beige throw pillow.

Ariana perches herself beside him, leaning over to grab a slice of pizza. Olive—somehow he chose the perfect topping for her without asking or discussing this beforehand. He just seems to know.

"Alright. I'm pretty behind on a few essays, but I hit writer's block." She shrugs, pushing a stray piece of hair that fell from the loose ponytail behind her ear. "Fix any cars today?" She has a teasing lilt in her voice.

Harry smiles. "I did. Can I read one of your papers?" He peers at her laptop, which is haphazardly thrown onto one of the cushions. "Is it gonna be, like, a manifesto of your dark fantasies? Do you write erotica? Holy fuck, is it with a centaur and a mermaid? You freak!" He gasps, speaking so quickly there is no point in Ariana interjecting.

She simply rolls her eyes, smacking his shoulder playfully. "You'd love that, wouldn't you?" Her eyes crinkle in laughter as he nods excessively. "No, it's pretty boring. I don't think you want to read my review of the Titanic. The book, obviously,"

Harry scoffs. "On the contrary. If the writer's this hot, I'd read anything,"

She rolls her eyes once more but picks up her laptop. He moves closer to her, their thighs pressed together. She ignores the fluttering in her belly and his breath on her neck as she types in her password. He is so close, he must know what he's doing. He is touching her, and any touch from Harry lights her up like Central Park during Christmas time.

Then, horror strikes.

Pulled up on her screen in large font is the introduction to a dating profile website.

"Oh my God, Ari! You're on Tinder? You little minx!" Harry gasps dramatically, prying the laptop from her hands before she can snatch it away.

Her cheeks turn red, her hands reaching for the computer in an attempt to snap it shut before he digs deeper. It's not like she has filled anything out yet—she is admittedly horrible at all things related to finding photos of herself or hyping herself up. "I was just thinking of joining. I know dating apps are mostly for hookups, and—"

"—and you have me for that," Harry interrupts, finishing her sentence. "So you actually wanna find a date, yeah? I can help," he looks over at her, smirking knowingly. He knows he has her flustered and a puddle at his feet, but he can't help it. He loves watching the pretty blush bloom over her face and her eyes widen in surprise at his bluntness.

They were opposites, which Harry knew. But if anything, it made him more attracted to her. He wanted to see how far she'd let him push her, the side of her she never let anyone see. He scratched at the surface, but he needed more. He was thirsty.

She nods pliantly. "C'mere. Are your photos linked to your computer? I wanna choose them for you," he rests the laptop on his thighs, letting Ariana tuck herself into his side, eyes trained on the screen curiously.

He clicks upload pictures and expands the screen, perusing through her camera roll. Most photos are of cats she found littering the streets or excerpts from books she found endearing or heart-wrenching. There are a few drunken selfies of her and Hannah and some photos she forced Niall to take for her as well. "Why not that one?" She frowns, and Harry stops scrolling.

It is a picture of her and Hannah grinning widely outside the club they were waiting to get into, Ariana's mini dress high up her thighs, her head resting on Hannah's shoulder with one foot on the brick wall behind her.

"Is that the night I met you?" He asks, noticing the same black dress with a pink bow, the same stick-straight hairstyle with smokey eyeliner. She nods absently, looking up at him for his approval. "You're so pretty. This can be, like, the fourth picture, though. You don't want Hannah in a lot of them 'cause you guys look like sisters and guys have weird fetishes about sisters."

Ariana narrows her eyes. "Ew, Harry! Maybe this is a mistake," she groans, slumping into his body. She is exhausted from her day, the pizza sitting untouched in her hand beginning to wilt downwards.

"Well, obviously no guy on a dating app is good enough for you, but it's good practice. Plus, you're gonna get a million likes because you're probably the hottest person on this app and I'm gonna get jealous as fuck." Harry says honestly, not even looking up from the laptop at his brazen, confident comment.

She blushes hard. "Jealous?" She asks, furrowing her brow. Jealousy would infer they have any sort of romantic relationship, and it's clear Harry doesn't want that.

"You're a catch, Ari. You know that, right?" He finally rips his gaze away from the screen just to stare at her with the same intensity. She almost wishes he was still distracted, because she is sure if her face burns any redder she'll be in danger of catching on fire. "If I didn't think marriage was hellfire I'd propose."

Yeah, she thinks, her heart beating rapidly at his confession, this is going to sting.

She nods slowly. He returns back to perusing her albums, and they sit in comfortable silence as he does so, highlighting a few pictures, and sneaking a few bites of her slice of pizza.

Until he immediately freezes, and Ariana looks away from her phone she picks up just a moment before responding to Niall and Hannah. She peeks at the screen, immediately burying her face in Harry's shoulder when she sees what is pulled up.

It is a photo she took a month prior, natural light streaming through her bedroom windows in the crest of the morning sun. In the top corner, her lips are parted to show just a fraction of her teeth, and her back is arched.

The main focus of the photo, however, is her deep red, puffy mesh panties. The hem bunches lettuce-style, and the mesh is just see-through enough to see her milky skin in a rose-tinted haze. The white cotton tank she is wearing just barely covers her breasts, with the straps falling down her shoulders, her nipples peeking through the thin, almost transparent material. Her legs are bent at the knees, slightly parted to show a wet patch forming at the apex of her thighs.

"I forgot I took that," is all she managed to say when the silence became awkward.

"Are you real?" He answers, turning to look at her. "Because I swear I had a dream that looked exactly like you. I mean, you're fucking perfect. And you're so sweet and your heart is so fucking pure, you actually can't be real. It wouldn't be fair,"

He's gushing, words tumbling from his lips before his brain processes them. "And you kiss like an angel, I haven't been able to stop thinking about your lips. And your tattoos are just—"

Ariana lurches forward, capturing his babbling mouth in hers. Immediately, he pushes the computer away and brings her into his lap, his hands tugging at her belt loops before sliding up her sweatshirt to warm her back.

When she pulls away, she is out of breath. The kiss is short and wild, but Harry doesn't seem to mind.

"Is that how I'm supposed to kiss my Tinder date?" She asks through fluttered eyelids and a lip bite. For once, she left him speechless with red cheeks and wide, blinking eyes. She feels so accomplished, her chest puffing in pride as she cements her words with the hem of her sweatshirt hiking up her belly to show a fraction of tanned skin.

He frowns. "No. That type is just for me," he finally responds.

She laughs, light and airy. She isn't familiar with this Ariana; the Ariana that moves without worry and kisses with no forewarning. The Ariana whose skirts are too short and lipstick too bold. This is the Ariana Harry draws out of her—maybe it is smart to be friends with benefits. That way, she wouldn't lose him to a fight or a tear-filled breakup. That way, they'd stay happy and platonic (or, as platonic as you could get with that mouth of his).

This Ariana also spoke up. "That was my friendly kiss," she teases.

Harry blows out a long breath. "I can't even imagine the Tinder date kiss then." He blinks away the shock from his eyes before grabbing her hips and flipping her so her back is against his chest. She sinks into his arms, pulling the computer into her lap as they look at more photos.

It feels a bit backward, sitting in one man's arms while creating a dating profile to meet other men, but she doesn't care. She will enjoy her time with Harry now, in case she won't feel this way ever again.

"Why'd you leave France?"

The question is out of the blue. Ariana just finished filling out her nationality and hometown, and Harry seems to be intrigued.

She shrugs, though won't look back to meet his gaze. "Better opportunities in America," she says simply, and doesn't elaborate.

"But you were so young," he presses for more detail, his hands squeezing her hips in a silent urge to meet his eyes. She won't.

"My parents kinda shipped me away through a school program. And then I stopped coming home for summers and started living with Hannah once my mom got pregnant. The move was slow, I don't know for sure when I started calling New York home." Ariana says vaguely.

It falls silent for another few beats, but more words are piling up on Ariana's tongue, and Harry's smooth fingers rubbing against the bare skin of her hip are coaxing them out of her.

"Well, actually I do know," her voice wavers. "I wanted to go to France for Christmas break, but my parents told me they couldn't afford my ticket home. Or my schooling. Or my boarding. They said they had two new children and needed to supply their real kids with money. With my money," she feels tears prick her eyes, but pushes them down.

When she is certain none would fall, she turns to face Harry, once more abandoning their quest to make a dating profile.

"I kinda knew then I wasn't welcome anymore. They told me I could come home, but I'd have to stay in a hotel because they refurbished my room with nursery stuff. I decided not to go home, and they mailed the rest of my belongings a week later. I didn't have any money, so Hannah spotted me for a bit.

"And that's why I'm still friends with her, even though she treats me shitty and is not at all the same girl that held my hand in middle school." She finishes. She knows she doesn't have to explain anything to Harry and their relationship consists of light-hearted conversation and casual make-out sessions, but she wants to.

She hasn't ever admitted Hannah has changed before, or really that her family replaced her with two chaotic younger siblings she has only met a handful of times. But he makes her feel seen and heard, even if he never speaks—so she allows herself to slip up just this once.

Harry wraps his arms around her, slowly at first, until he engulfs her in his lean arms, muscles flexing around her body. "You're the coolest girl ever," he hums into her ear. She decided that was the best compliment Harry could dish out, and simply thanked him quietly as she let him hold her. "And Hannah doesn't deserve to be friends with such a cool girl." He pulls back, his hands sliding to her thighs.

It is just then that her eyes flicker to his lips and his gaze glosses over that Harry's phone rings.

It is loud and piercing, startling Ariana off him. It is probably good not to be so close to Harry anyway—the familiar sandalwood scent of his cologne begins to have Ariana's belly fluttering at the mere thought of it.

"Niall, I'm with Ariana. I don't think she wants her house smelling like weed—no, there's pizza here! I'm not abandoning pizza to sit in the snow with you—fuck you, weirdo," Harry pulls the phone away from his ear to turn to Ariana. "Can Niall come over? He says he's not bringing a joint but I don't believe him,"

Ariana's laugh bubbles gleefully from her throat, a nod surfacing. "He can smoke here, I don't care," she then adds.

"Can we all share a blanket? I wanna feel like the grandparents in that Willy Wonka movie," Niall asks, tugging the blanket that was wrapped around Ariana's body undone.

She is lounging between her (new) two favorite people as they pass a joint over her head, taking hits and laughing at dumb comments the other made. "We're not all gonna fit," Ariana points out as both the boys struggle to pull each end of the forest green throw over their bodies.

"Just sit closer to me. I don't bite," Harry teases, eyes glinting mischievously.

Ariana scoffs. "I can't sit closer to you, I'll be on your lap." She points out, and Harry hums knowingly.

"If the shoe fits..." he winces for her slap before it comes.

The bickering is interrupted by Niall, who is now reaching for Ariana's phone that sitting on the coffee table under a layer of pizza grease. He is cursing, trying to guess her password. "Niall! What are you doing?" Her tone is almost motherly, causing Harry to snort from behind her.

"Why are you getting messages for Nahir saying 'I want to taste you'? Oh my God, Ryan said he wants your babies!"

"Harry!" She feels like she is chastising children. "Did you hack my dating profile?"

Harry frowns, the air of playfulness gone and replaced with annoyance. "I thought I chose good guys. Why are they so creepy? I'm sorry, Ari, I told you you're too good for dating apps." He snatches the phone from Niall, scrolling through likes and explicit messages.

Ariana, though, is now red-faced and embarrassed. "Why do guys only think about one thing?" She groans, dropping back onto the sofa. Her hands are folded against her stomach, and she avoids eye contact with either of them. It's a rhetorical question, and she won't be able to listen to not everyone thinks that Ari, you just need to find your person.

Instead, Harry puts his hand on her knee, which is pulled up to her chest. Niall holds her hand in his. "'Cause we're assholes," Niall is focused on the screen, though his thumb is rubbing soothing circles against the top of her hand. "And you're kind of a princess. Or something. Like the badass kind, though, that has a lot of cool hats."

Ariana turns to Harry quizzically, almost as if saying what the fuck is he talking about?

Harry just shrugs. Who knows? His eyes reply.

"Thanks, Niall. You know how I feel about a good fedora,"

part one

#harry styles #harry styles love on tour #lana del rey #commitment lost #toujours #harry styles series #harry styles fanfic rec #harry styles fanfiction #harry styles one shot #harry #harry smut

10 notes · View notes

nelmyriel · 2 months ago

Text

[ Castlevania: Nocturne ]

Briefly (haha, nope) about my attitude to Netflixvania: I’m neither a fan of the original animated series, nor its hater (I like S1 and S2, but S3 and S4 are absolutely not for me. Apart from the franchise, it remains one of the strongest animated works). I'm always open to new things as long as the creators try to keep at least some connection between characters and their prototypes (and I have some concerns about it).

As a fan of Maria Renard (especially the grown-up version), I'm glad she's not forgotten. The gaming community is largely divided between those who see Maria as a funny child added into the universe as a joke, and those who hate the adult version for being implied to be Alucard's love interest (I don’t agree with some fans' interpretation of their relationship, but more on that another time. glorfys_glorioushair's vision is the closest to me).

I'M TIRED, I just want to meet new people, even if we have different canon sources. I will take care of them, warm them up, presenting the games xD

In more detail (not criticism, just verbiage): Let's start from the obvious part — this is a product of inspiration, not an adaptation in the literal sense. To get some pleasure watching the animated series, you need to distance yourself from games. This is a quite standard method nowadays, I think.

I'm still forming an opinion about Nocturne, because the story is not finished yet. But I'm also slowly plunging into melancholy, because Alumaria ship and Maria are the cornerstones of my love to Castlevania per se.

How changed is the huntress' image? Well, I feel like Netflix missed some potential that games contained (or will implement it later?) and done a hideous damage with Maria's swearing, but there's still a chance to patch up such flaws with her growing up.

I always imagined her as a battle Lady. Dangerous and daring, but elegant and well-mannered (if I correctly understood Renard family's position). If I were the adaptation's author, I would tend to the archetype of a young noble lady breaking stereotypes. (Without extremes, of course — she is engaged in a tough business). This would have provided interesting dynamics with other characters (and an interesting detail for Richette), since the nobility side would be represented not only by vampires, but also the dissident protagonists.

This doesn’t mean I think Netflix’s biography of Maria is bad — it’s just different and takes us away from Konami again. Whether this is good or bad — we still have to find out. Perhaps it's just a matter of habit?

However, I'm hopeful about the family arc. Such plot has controversial nuances, but it's much better than the off-screen death of nameless parents. I want to witness the girl's experiences and life lessons! I'm also absolutely thrilled with how Tera's character was reworked!

I thank and at the same time judge the creators for the way they managed characters' age. Now the gifted summoner better fits the gloomy setting, but, unfortunately, she meets Alucard too early — this fact obviously sets the audience against the romance. Because of S4*, I already had to bury my dream about "one true love" story (its symbolism is expressed in the wolf form), and then they added fuel to the fire**.

(*A dude can't experience "first and/or only love" more than once (not being reincarnated, of course), so my favorite trope just won't be adapted. It's not about Greta, she's a good (one of the best in S4, actually) character. You can substitute Sonia in her place or swap Maria and Greta, and my message will not change. It’s just that Konami — many years ago — hooked me with a story about naive and inexperienced lovers. Given Alucard's nature, this made an interesting topic to explore. But, since I am still here, it means I accept new rules.) (**In my culture, only the moment (age) when a romance begins is important. Not the moment of first meeting. But it's hard to miss the public outcry — people haven't seen the characters' relations yet, but already hate their dynamics).

I'm also upset that in battle scenes Maria is a pale shadow of herself. In the opening fight, she couldn't handle just one vampire, but I hope that the writers intentionally left room for her skills development. Drawing a little minus for this. But a plus for the sword and the underrated DXC design!

Well, if the plot disappoints me, at least a lot of visual content will remain, which is a real treasure for a fan of unpopular Maria. I'll always admire the work of all involved artists.

P.S. Yes, I deliberately omit the analysis of general history, setting, etc. (After all, this is not a review of the entire Nocturne, just a character's superficial analysis). There is a huge room for discussion, but I will leave it to more historically savvy people. One thing I understand for sure: this is one of the most visually and historically rich basis, which wasn't used properly. On the other hand, it's mainly a matter of budget. Corporations are unfair to creative studios. In my perfect world, Powerhouse and Konami join their forces.

Hey Konami, don't you have an animation studio? Your followers are dreaming about a canonical adaptation or a remake of an iconic game with significantly deeper plot.

I never seriously criticize and certainly never post angry manifests, especially dedicated to someone’s creative expression. I'm always looking for the positive aspects, but if my patience runs out, I usually just retire.

Anyway, since the release of S1 I've been immersed in the Nocturne fandom and even prepared something unique for you!

P.P.S. Sorry for the confusion and my poor English!

#Castlevania Nocturne #Netflixvania #Maria Renard #ScreenShots #Text

9 notes · View notes

mystic-headcanons · 1 year ago

Note

jaehee x fem reader sleepover turned romantic?

accidentally took a mini hiatus my b

hope you enjoy <3

"i can't believe you've never done this." you offhandedly commented, holding jaehee's fingers as you brushed the light yellow over her nails. "i didn't...really have many friends when i was a child. or ever. i just focused on school and then after that, my job." her voice was hushed as she spoke, not wanting to break the soft, content atmosphere surrounding you two. you were quiet for a moment as you continued to paint her nails. "that sounds pretty lonely." you finally spoke, glancing up to briefly meet her eyes. "it was, sometimes. i think i just got used to feeling alone." a pang went through you as you imagined jaehee, who was always so soft and kind, not having anyone throughout her childhood and adulthood. "well then," you began, breaking the melancholy mood that began to settle over you and jaehee, "it's a good thing i'm here with you now." she looked at you with an emotion you couldn't place. "it is." she smiled, and it felt like the sun.

"i am never letting you bake for our store." jaehee commented, barely holding back a laugh as you panicked after pouring too much salt in the cookie batter. after her nails were dry, you dragged her into the kitchen because, "i know it's not halloween anymore, but i found a recipe for pumpkin cookies and i have all the scream movies. i figured we could watch them after we bake the cookies?" (you were still a little shocked she agreed to the horror movies-- jaehee wasn't someone who was easily scared, but she did have a distaste for horror. "too unrealistic." she'd said once with a shake of her head.) "i'm a good baker!...most of the time." you added that last part on as an afterthought, before handing your phone to jaehee's outstretched hand so she could see the recipe. "i think i can fix these." jaehee hummed, and you took a step back after she handed your phone back to you. watching her as she baked became your favorite way to pass time; there was something about how relaxed she always looked, about how her shoulders lost their tension and she was able to slow down and breathe. without thinking, you lifted your phone and snapped a quick photo of jaehee. your heart skipped a few beats as you looked at it, but you quickly put your phone away and ignored the feeling.

your growing crush on jaehee was no surprise to anyone who knew the two of you. you were always looking at her-- something saeyoung likes to tease you over when he sneaks random photos. (which was something he did for everyone in the rfa; saeyoung had a habit of taking 'blackmail' photos. he never used them for anything more than lighthearted teasing.) you couldn't help it, she was just so...soft. soft smiles and soft laughter, and when you had all of her attention, it felt electrifying. she was everything to you, but you weren't even sure if she liked girls. romance was a topic the two of you seldom talked about, save for the passing mention of an ex. you forced yourself to be at peace with the fact that she'd only ever see you as a best friend and nothing more.

eventually, the cookies were done; you were certain jaehee was magic because how she managed to save your mess of an attempt was beyond you. the two of you settled on your sofa with the cookies and coffee that jaehee had brewed, and you pressed play on the first movie. another reason for choosing a horror movie was for the opportunity to be close to her. you weren't really scared at them-- and especially not cheesy nineties horror. however, if you acted scared, then you'd have an excuse to be held by jaehee. the first time you jumped, jaehee only looked at you and reached out to put a hand on your shoulder. the second time, you grabbed her arm, and she thought for a moment before looking at you. "do you...are you scared?" she asked, glancing between the movie and you. you nodded and looked at her arm that you were still holding onto. "sorry." you quietly said, dropping it. she only chuckled and reached out to pull you into her side, wrapping her arm around your shoulders. "is this okay?" she whispered after a moment, and you nodded, content.

(you didn't notice the knowing look on her face, or the way she smiled to herself when you didn't jump anymore.)

after the movie was finished, jaehee reached forward and grabbed the remote, pausing the start of the next one. "i've seen saeyoung jump out at you when you're not expecting it-- and literally grab you, and that doesn't scare you." she said, turning to look at you. "but some cheap scares in a cheesy horror movie does?" "it looked real?" you tried, your voice lifting towards the end like you were asking a question. at her deadpan expression, you sighed. "no, it doesn't." you said as you looked down. "i wasn't scared, i just......wanted you to hold me." your voice became a mumble at the last part as a blush spread across your face. "why not just say that? you could've just asked me." jaehee pointed out, and you shook your head. it took a moment for you to find your voice-- your heart was climbing up your throat, and you were certain jaehee could hear the way it pounded.

your mouth opened and closed a few times before you finally groaned and put your head in your hands. "because i didn't want to, like, be obvious about my feelings for you." you confessed, and jaehee was silent for a moment. you were scared she'd leave, but a few moments later you felt her hands circle around your wrists and gently tug them away from your face. "you like me?" she quietly asked, a smile slowly starting to form on her face. you could only nod, and a moment later she tugged you forward and pressed her lips to yours in a gentle kiss. it was short and sweet, and when she pulled back you couldn't help but lean forward to follow her. "i do hope that was okay." jaehee whispered, dropping your wrists in favor of cupping your cheek. "i've wanted to do that for...a very long time." she breathed out. your eyes fluttered open and you looked at her in awe. "why didn't you tell me?" you asked, leaning into her hand. "i've been shakespeare-level pining over you almost since we met. been writing sad little dramatic sonnets and everything." jaehee let out a quiet laugh at that and shrugged. "same reason as you, i suppose. didn't want to ruin our friendship."

"you wouldn't have ruined anything." you softly said, reaching up to gently hold onto jaehee's wrist. "i want you in any way you'll have me." jaehee only smiled at that and pulled you in for another kiss.

neither of you wanted to finish the movies after that.

#mystic messenger #mystic messenger headcanons #jaehee kang #jaehee kang x mc #jaehee kang x reader

21 notes · View notes

hrefna-the-raven · 7 months ago

Text

Heart of Steel

Fallout masterlist - main masterlist

Chapter 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5

Song for this chapter:

Summary: You need to head back to the Commonwealth to meet up with your friends. It will not be easy to tell Arthur that you need to leave the Prydwen, and him, for a few days.

Notes: they wouldn't admit it to each other but they're fallen head over heals in love with each other^^ and yes I do believe Mr Maxson can't dance xD this a little teasing chapter before we head off to Goodneighbor, there's still a son to be found and an Institute to be crushed ;)

Chapter 6 - Dream a little dream

The small radio emitted a charming tune, filling the room with music and a spark of romance. Arthur's hands were clasped around your waist as the two of you were dancing to the song. His muscles were tense and his movements rigid, almost as if he was attempting to execute a simple sequence of steps, without any emotions.

"You need to focus less on the dance steps and more on the emotions the song tries to convey", you giggled, nudging him a bit to create some space between you.

You glided gracefully, twirling around as you hummed along with the melody, a big warm smile gracing your lips as you gestured for Arthur to do the same. He tried his best despite looking like a full on mechanic robot, hopping from one feet to the other before spinning around, desperately trying to loosen his stiff hips to move along with the rhythm.

"It's not about completing a task, it's about how you feel and what you want, try to let go", you continued to explain, your hand finding his and pulling him back to you.

You grasped his hips, pressing them against you as you continued to dance to the music, encouraging him to do the same, guided by the close contact of your bodies in hope that would finally help him to be a bit more relaxed. Arthur held his breath, your sweet alluring scent slowly intoxicating his mind while the feeling of your warm body pressed against his threatened to overwhelm him. How unaware you were of the fact that you were endlessly haunting not only his dreams but his waking thoughts with visions of your loving smile and tempting curves. Two steps to the left, two steps to the right, your hips gently rubbing against his. A low groan rumbled in his chest as he felt himself slowly growing hard at the friction, eyes shut tight while he tried to muster all his self-control to not drown in his own burning desire for you. Your breaths grew heavier as the closeness didn't leave you unaffected either, causing a surge of heat to pool between your legs as you noticed his growing erection. Neither of you could comprehend how it was possible to ignite a wildfire within your bodies at the simplest touch, hearts melting at the faintest whisper of a kind words and minds humming within the tenderness of a loving embrace. In that moment, a part of you thought back to Nate, the shame rising within you upon realising that even with all the love you had for him, you didn't share such a profound connection.

But it felt as though, after two centuries of torturing loneliness, your soul had finally reunited with its missing half, trapped in the melancholy of reality that neither of you dared to confess that very same feeling. Maxson's gaze shifted downwards, observing your calm face with the flushed cheeks, breathing softly while your head rested against his chest. He wondered if you could hear the relentless pounding of his anxious heart, and if yours would match its rhythm. Breaking away, he delicately cradled your face in his hands, and for a brief moment, his piercing steel-blue eyes locked onto the boundless beauty of your soul before he leaned in closer, his lips finding yours, pouring all his love into the tender embrace of that single kiss. As you pulled apart, both of you laughed, blushing slightly while he pressed his forhead against yours, playfully nudging the tip of your nose with his.

"I have something to show you", he murmured, pecking your lips one last time.

He grabbed his coat and led you through the door, cautiously listening for any suspicious footsteps to avoid encountering anyone else, as he guided you through the narrow corridors of the Prydwen. He stopped at a single metal door all the way in the back of the main deck and opened it slowly, revealing the forecastle of the ship behind it. As you passed through the doorway, the cool evening breeze brushed against your flushed cheeks and a gasp passed your lips as you made your way to the front railing, taking in the breathtaking sight of the Commonwealth below at night. Though most of it was shrouded in darkness, your eyes caught glimpses of scattered lights dispersed throughout and, further in the distance, you recognised the walls of Diamond City. A sudden sadness filled your heart at the sight, remembering why you headed down to Maxson's quarter tonight in the first place. Before you could delve deeper into your thoughts, Arthur draped his warm coat over your shoulders and he hugged you from behind, resting his head on top of yours.

"Beautiful isn't it?", he whispered, "I come here whenever I can't sleep."

"Given the dark circles under your eyes, you must be here every night", you teased, letting out a slight shriek as he playfully pinched your sides.

"Be careful what you say about your superior, Knight", he chuckled, "it has been over a day, and the latrines could benefit from a thorough scrubbing once again."

Turning around, you playfully slapped his chest, struggling to contain your laughter.

"So as soon as you find yourself unable to win the argument, you resort to play the Elder card?"

"What can I say? Strategic genius", he chuckled, shrugging his shoulders.

Rolling your eyes, you turned back to admire the view. Arthur moved closer, his hand sneaking around your waist, drawing you nearer to him. He did enjoy those private moments with you, washing away all that burdened him, even if only for a short while and he had to admit that he yearned for those moments more and more often.

"What was it like here in the night before the war?"

"More lights", you fell silent for a moment, trying to remember the last time you stood on the small hill beside Sanctuary, gazing at the night sky with Nate, "and definitely less silence. Too many planes, people talking loudly while strolling through the late-night streets, music from the distant night clubs, angry honking", you let out a melancholic sigh, "I'm not sure if I miss it or if I prefer this. It's peaceful, eventhough the quietness is very deceitful given the dangerous creatures that roam this place now."

"The Brotherhood will protect you", his gaze remained serious, "as well as the people of the Commonwealth. I care about them, you know, that's why we're here, to make the world a safer place for everyone."

You pondered for a moment, carefully analysing the words of his statement to hold them against everything witnessed from the Brotherhood since you woke up this new world.

"They'd follow you to Hell, make sure you won't lead them there."

Maxson noticed the sudden sadness in your voice, feeling the pain in his heart while he thought about what your words meant. He couldn't decide if that strange sensation deep within his chest was anger, disappointment or endearment over your concern for him. Before he could reply anything you turned to face him, uncertainty etched across your face as you spoke softly.

"Arthur, I need to leave for a few days. I...I...my friends have reached out to me, I need to meet them, it's important to me. I promise I'll return as soon as I can. It might even benefit the Brotherhood and your mission", you placed a hand on his chest, feeling his heart racing faster at your words.

"I'll accompany you", he spoke with the same determination as when he held the speech on your first day.

"You don't have to. Your duty lies here with your men and I'm perfectly capable of handling this on my own, besides I don't think it'd help me if anyone would see you."

"Why wouldn't it help? No one would dare harm you if you have the Brotherhood by your side", he raised an eyebrow.

"Are you aware that the Brotherhood is not the most welcomed fraction in the Commonwealth and don't give me your "they will be once they'll realise" speech. I mean it, Arthur, I'd love to take you with me but I don't think it's wise, for either of us."

His expression remained stoic, devoid of any emotion, but his eyes betrayed the sadness he felt deep within because of your statement. He was aware of how the people reacted to the Brotherhood, it showed in the many, or if he was truly honest, in all of the reports he'd read. He let out a sigh, feeling a sense of despair as he struggled to find a way to convince you to let him join you. He had come to the realisation that if you didn't want him to come along, neither his orders nor his well-intentioned advice would sway your decision. You were just as stubborn as he was in that regard.

"You know what", you suddenly said, poking a finger at his chest, "perhaps you should accompany me, see certain things for yourself. BUT", you stared directly at him now," ensure that nobody, absolutely no one and nobody, will recognise you. Please?"

His lips twitched, unable to resist the smile forming and he hugged you tight, planting a gentle kiss on your forhead.

"I solemnly swear I won't let my Elder show", he made a cross over his chest, raising his hand.

Laughter errupted from his chest as you playfully slapped him, rolling your eyes at his playful attempt to be serious and silly at the same time. It was in this moment that you'd disagree with everyone out there that the Brotherhood and its leader are ruthless and bad. They didn't get a glimpse at him, the true him and you were convinced that he didn't either, not before you stepped into his life. And then the all familiar nervousness surged through your body again. Would he truly be able to tone it down? Given his reaction to your feelings about synths because of Nick, you were afraid of what would await you but nonetheless he deserved his chance to prove that he could be more than the warmongering Elder the Commonwealth perceived him and his Brotherhood to be.

Chapter 7 - Dangerous minds

Feel free to reblog if you enjoyed the story :)

14 notes · View notes

gillianthecat · 2 years ago

Text

re: The Novelist

c.c. @petrichoraline @sadday4sure @thewayofsubtext @waitmyturtles

I liked it. I liked it quite a lot. I'm still processing (/starting Mood Indigo), so I'm not sure if I have much I can articulate about it yet.

All I knew about it going in was the basic premise (pornography writer and his assistant) and that it was from the other side of Japan's BL traditions, meaning that it was "dark," contained dubcon, and was high heat. So I wasn't sure if it even was a romance or would have any sort of happy ending and thus I kept my heart to myself for the first few episodes, not trusting the show with it. I watched with a more analytical mindset at the beginning, which morphed into a love for the characters as they showed their own hearts.

Perhaps if I'd gone in unaware I would have found it dark and disturbing, but as it was a found it more aching and melancholy than anything else. The dubcon was no worse than other shows I've seen, and fit the story and the themes better than many (I won't get into those comparisons here). There was angst and loneliness and lashing out, but the power never felt overly weighted toward Kijima's side, despite Kuzami's youth and relative innocence, and the tangle of debts and their work relationship.

The actors were all excellent. I was relieved to see that my newfound love Izuka Kenta (who I'd seen for all of 5 minutes of screen time in Candy Color Parodox) is in fact very good actor, and brought nuance and strength and complex desires to the part of Kuzami.

I can't help but comparing shows to other shows these days, so here is what I was thinking while watching this one. The Novelist came out favorably, if it was a comparison of quality.

There is of course the use of dubcon, for which my only other real reference point are Thai BL, and that analysis is a multi-tentacled beast that is would get me off track for the rest of this post, so I won't start on it. I will say that one thing I noticed was that the pornographic fantasies were generally (all?) dubcon ones, and that both affected my interpretation of the characters' feelings about the real dubcon scene (because they both were into dubcon in fantasy), and habituated me to seeing dubcon in the show by the time the fifth episode came around. The other thing I guess I will say is that it feels different to me, easier to tolerate and move past, to see one character violate another out of sadness and fear and the desire to push someone away and hold them close at the same time. In real life absolutely no, the reason for ignoring consent matters not, but seeing it in a story I can work with that.

And then there are the pornographic fantasies, which were used so interestingly here. They were our (and seemingly Kuzami's) introduction to desire and sex. They usually featured other actors portraying the porn characters, which at first bothered me - I wanted more time with Kijima and Kuzami as they wrote together - but then came to make sense, for reasons I can't articulate now. The show's seduction of us followed Kijima's only half intentional seduction of Kuzami. It lured us in with his voice dryly describing lurid sex acts, sounding humorous at first, but soon grew more genuinely erotic as the music and the cinematography and Kijima's voice changed. And there was something about the way the porn fantasies provided both distance from the characters and simultaneously made them seem even more vulnerable, their minds laid even more bare than their bodies, that created this uncomfortable, seductive eroticism of the show. Kijima was arousing Kuzami while still pretending Kuzami's arousal was meaningless to him.

Which was part of why I didn't know what to expect from the show at first. Was this going to be an overcast and complicated story of self-discovery, about how Kuzami was changed by one summer with this seductive twisted older man? It wasn't until Kido showed up and Kijima fell slightly to pieces, that I understood that it would be both their stories, and that I could hope for romance rather than just sexual awaking, even though I wasn't yet sure of a happy ending.

The fantasies too changed over the course of the series, going from the ones about men and women that Kijima wrote, to Kuzami's fantasies of the two of them, and then disappeared altogether, as they stopped wanting a fantasy and started their convoluted paths to wanting and seeing each other's real selves, not the fantasy version.

(The comparison about fantasies in my mind, which I probably only thought of due to a coincidence of timing, was to the innocent romantic fantasies of My School President. Which despite the very different content, share a similar role of showing the character's desires to the audience, and of pointing to the contrast between unrealistic fantasy and the reality of loving and being loved by another actual human being with their own subjectivity in the world.) (This honest dive into arousal while creating erotic art in collaboration with someone desired was what I was vaguely hoping for, though did not expect, from Oh! My Assistant. So I was glad to have it done so well here.)

Closely connected to the fantasies was how much the show was about writing. Both literally, a good portion of screen time was spent watching Kuzami writing Kanji and listening to to Kijima recite the words of the novel, and in that Kijima's story was about his journey as a writer. I felt the pain of his not being able to write, I felt the isolation of "writer" being his only identity, his only sense of self. This was what I wanted from Happy Ending Romance, which frustratingly did not feel like it was really about writers. This very much did. I could dig deeper into why it felt that way, but this post is already much longer than I meant for it to be.

The focus of the story was so tightly held on Kuzami and Kijima in their time together that fevered summer. We learned very little about them beyond their moments together. And I think that works. It builds the heightened intensity of their connection with each other, like they're living in a world apart from the rest. Kijima seems to have been living in this isolation for most of his life, while Kuzami apparently has friends and classes and a life outside this bubble, but it is Kijima whose backstory we end up learning more about. In a less nuanced show Kuzami would be almost a blank slate, ready to be molded* by Kijima's desires, but Izuka Kenta and the subtleties of the script imbue him with a quiet strength. At the beginning he doesn't yet know what he wants, but when he figures it out he has a solidity of purpose that won't let him be pushed around.

*yes it's a mixed metaphor but I didn't like any of the matching sets I could think of

And he sees Kijima, because he so desperately want to. Once he figures out that it's Kijima he wants, he works so hard to get under his mask and see him. Despite Kijima doing his damnedest not to be seen. Takezai Terunosuke is excellent in the role, playing both the Mona Lisa mask and the broken man beneath, and showing the cracks to get there. When he broke down in tears, back to Kuzami... I cried. This show, which I thought was going to be about how Kuzami was changed by their time together, ended up being about how Kijima was changed by him.

I feel like I'm talking circles around the center of them, but there is so much that could be said, so many ways to examine their relationship.

Oh! and the cinematography/editing/sound/etc! So good. I kept thinking about everyone's brilliant responses to my questions on this post, and really noticed the use of wide long shots and letting the actors come in and out of frame. It served the story well.

This was my first "dark" JBL, and I want to watch more now, to better put this show in context.

Fuck, y'all. This was supposed to be a single paragraph simply stating that I liked the show. And maybe naming a few topics I found interesting. Instead it swelled into this, and still feels very incomplete. But I will leave the rest for another day. Especially as I expect I will have an even more thoughts on the characters after watching the rest of the series.

53 notes · View notes

biblicallyaccuratepigeons · 11 months ago

Text

@toytanks I had to ok

Have a list of every MCR song (that I've heard of) and how it relates to Billford, which I definitely do not ship and if you've ever seen any proof to the contrary noo you didn't

I Brought You My Bullets, You Brought Me Your Love

(fuckk even the album name is Billford-coded)

Romance -- no lyrics, but I do think that the fact that they only played the part in minor and not the major one does feel like Billford

Honey, This Mirror Isn't Big Enough for the Two of Us -- post-betrayal Billford. There are two distinct parts to this song; the one that comes first is Bill, and the other is Ford.

Vampires Will Never Hurt You -- honestly this kinda feels like the opposite of Billford to me, it's more like Ford x Jheselbraum.

Drowning Lessons -- One Of Us AU? It still doesn't feel quite right to me though

Our Lady of Sorrows -- it definitely feels like Billford, particularly from Bill's perspective, but some of the lyrics make me think more of Fiddauthor (kill me right now)

Headfirst For Halos -- it feels like Bill starting to catch feelings for Ford and partying trying to forget but still gushing about him lmao

Skylines and Turnstiles -- it just kinda feels like Billford, I can't explain it.

Early Sunsets Over Monroeville -- to me it kinda feels like around the time Ford found out about the betrayal. Like, the narrative of being really close and sharing happy memories and dreams, and then suddenly your lover is a monster you have to destroy

This Is The Best Day Ever -- perhaps, if Ford was a shape like Bill, and Bill destroyed his dimension for Ford's sake.

Cubicles -- lmao I can see Bill sulking about Ford to this song

Demolition Lovers -- this song was definitely on the soundtrack of the most toxic relationship I've ever been in, so I know for a FACT that this is 100% a Billford song.

Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge

Helena -- I could see this being from Ford's point of view, during Wierdmageddon. Some of it feels like One Of Us AU.

Give 'Em Hell, Kid -- on the other hand, this one is definitely Bill during Ford's exile

To The End -- the level of toxicity is definitely there, but since it's a pretty clear narrative, I'll call it vibes-only-Billford

You Know What They Do To Guys Like Us In Prison -- it is, again, mostly vibes-only, but I can also see post-betrayal Ford feeling this way if they happened to hook up during that time

I'm Not Okay (I Promise) -- I really don't think this fits them at all, but the one clip of Frankie going "you have something on your face" and then violently taking a fallen eyelash from the cheerleader's face before absolutely booking it is something I could see happening between them and it cracks me up

The Ghost of You -- this feels like either post-betrayal Bill or if they became a couple and Ford died of old age

The Jetset Life Is Gonna Kill You -- This is just Billford. I. What do you want from me.

Interlude -- not really Billford. I'll say it. Yeah, it's melancholy, but again it feels more like Ford x Jheselbraum or Fiddauthor.

Thank You For The Venom -- Billford, either perspective. It feels very reminiscent of the exile era (or even during Weirdmageddon?)

Hang 'Em High -- This also feels very much like Billford. Not sure when I'd place it to, but the vibes are there, especially One of Us AU imo.

It's Not A Fashion Statement, It's A Fucking Deathwish -- Billford. That's it that's the commentary.

Cemetery Drive -- definitely post-betrayal Billford, particularly Ford's perspective ("Is this what you always want me for?" I'm going FERAL)

I Never Told You What I Do For A Living -- Bill. Bill. Bill. Bill. Bill. You Cannot Change My Mind It Is Imbued With His Essence And The One He Is Singing To And About Is Fordsy.

Welcome To The Black Parade

The End. -- nothing obviously Billford sticks out to me, but some of the lyrics could be applied to either of their perspectives, precisely because it's so neutral

Dead! -- post-season 2 Ford about Bill (though the last lyrics are definitely something Bill would vibe with)

This Is How I Disappear -- post-betrayal, pre-season 2 Billford. Could also fit pre-betrayal, but not as much due to its “laughing at a bad thing to hide the pain I lie awake over” vibes

The Sharpest Lives -- Bill. 100%. Maybe Ford during exile. Idk I know he made some decisions he regretted later back then.

Welcome To The Black Parade -- Ford post-season 2, maybe? It doesn't scream it to me, but it could be made to fit ("your weary widow marches on etc etc)

I Don't Love You -- post-betrayal, from Bill's perspective

House of Wolves -- it's just Billford. Idk what you want me to say.

Cancer -- if Bill reincarnated as a human and couldn't be with Ford

Mama -- this one fits Bill as a character really well, as well as One Of Us AU Billford

Sleep -- post-betrayal Billford

Teenagers -- yeah I don't really see it. Some of the lyrics do have that paranoid feeling Ford has pre-exile though

Disenchanted -- definitely feels like Billford from Bill's perspective. Some of the lyrics also feel like Bill reflecting on his life as he's dying, and the bridge in particular feels like post-exile Bill

Famous Last Words -- So. Much. Billford. I can't speak.

Blood -- doesn't really strike me as Billford. I do see elements of the two of them separately though

The Black Parade: The B-Sides

My Way Home Is Through You -- heavy Billford vibes, though some of the lyrics also make me think of Ford x Jheselbraum. That's neither here nor there though, as this is a Billford-driven list of reviews.

Kill All Your Friends -- Billford. It feels like both of their perspectives, but some of the verses feel like Weirdmageddon-era Bill.

Heaven Help Us --definitely a Billford song. Again, it could be from either of their perspectives, but I'm feelin a lot of Bill from a few of the lyrics. Ford has his moments in the sun too, though

Danger Days: The True Lives of The Fabulous Killjoys

(listen a lot of these are about love so ofc they're gonna be Billford that's just how my idealistic brain works ok I mean who said that I don't ship Billford hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha)

I am counting Look Alive Sunshine as part of Na Na Na (Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na) because it's true ok -- it kinda feels like the two of them coping with their separation during the exile era and it cracks me up to hell and back

Bulletproof Heart -- Bill trying to convince Ford to join him during Weirdmageddon and it's working

SING -- this is definitely how Bill sees himself. In a Billford context, I can see this also as him trying to convince Ford

Planetary (Go!) -- wow, our first 100% pre-betrayal Billford song! It tastes like candy and battery acid and stardust

The Only Hope For Me Is You -- this could easily apply, with its galactic imagery and love-song-esque feeling. I could see this being Ford, having been by Bill's side after Weirdamageddon for many years, telling him "This isn't the answer, we only need each other"

Party Poison -- HHHHHHHHH it feels like Billford in that it feels like the two of them interacting. Lyrically, it mostly makes me think of Ford during Weirdmageddon trying to stop the party, but MCR are musical geniuses so it also feels like the party itself. This one turned me into a little geek ngl it's one of their songs that gets the biggest primal reaction out of me.

Save Yourself, I'll Hold Them Back -- gonna be honest, this one, more than anything else, reminded me of Dipper and Wendy's time together during Weirdmageddon. It does feel very much like Bill though in the sense that it bleeds anarchy and lasers

S/C/A/R/E/C/R/O/W -- again, this was part of the soundtrack of my toxic relationship, so I really want it to be Billford but if I'm being honest it's just hard to see.

Summertime -- This does feel like Billford, in a more fluffy way than any of the others. "Terrified of what I'd be [...] Could you stop the noise" feels a lot like Ford as he met Bill. Really, this whole song is more Ford-sung than Bill, but I could also see most of the lyrics being sung by Bill (it just depends on his back story, which as of now we can only speculate)

DESTROYA -- I definitely would put this on a Billford playlist, but imo this is another vibes-only one. Like, the denial of God and the "we're in this together" and stuff is there, but lyrically it just doesn't quiiite hit the mark for me

The Kids From Yesterday -- much like Planetary (Go!), this one feels like pre-betrayal, stardust and citric acid, Billford

Vampire Money -- this seems like Bill's initial ideal of how Billford would turn out lol. Also, Bill partying and pretending he's okay without Ford during the exile. Also, Ford partying and pretending he's okay without Bill during the exile. Also, Ford being mad at Bill during the exile. Also-

We Don't Need Another Song About California -- this does feel like Ford talking to Bill, and it also has Billford vibes

(i know there are others but i haven't heard them that often so i wouldn't be a good judge so! moving on...)

Conventional Weapons

(I hope to God these are all Billford cause they're some of my favorites)

Boy Division -- I can very easily see this as Billford, and like Bill is bein dramatic to Ford about what happened at Weirdmageddon cause you know he's not letting that little "murder" go even though it was incredibly justified and Ford has way more reason to be mad but he's just patiently sitting through it and waiting for Bill to let him talk

Tomorrow's Money -- despite the actual point of this song, it also feels like Bill talking to Ford post-season 2 at some points

AMBULANCE -- oh this is very Billford. Yessiree, this is the good shit, especially One Of Us AU

Gun. -- This is definitely from Ford's perspective. What are you obsessing over a gun for? To kill this dream demon? Why are you so worried about having a son? Hm? So in other words, you're obsessing over this dream demon and sad you can't have a family with him? Is that it? Pretty gay tbh

The World Is Ugly -- This is an us-vs-them love song. This was made for them.

The Light Behind Your Eyes -- Bill sad about losing/leaving Ford cause he's just one more in a string of people dear to him but especially Ford because it's been so long since someone was that close and he wishes now that he could've done things differently but alas

Kiss the Ring -- I'm sorry, it's mostly just Weirdamageddon-era Bill. Some of it is like Ford replying to him, but otherwise there's not really all that much Billford in it

Make Room!!!! -- yeah again, it's mostly just Weirdmageddon Bill, though in this one he is doing a lot of ogling Ford I think

Surrender The Night -- oh Billford 100%. Dreams, secrets, surrender, everything. It's just Them, and you can't change my mind

Burn Bright -- this feels like the idealized version of Billford we you all have in our your heads, y'know? Like, we you want them to go on these adventures together and be steamy about it a good amount of the time, and that's what this is. This is them being anarchist murder hoboes together and I love that for them <3 and that's that ig

#this took me way too long #hvmw svop #•••---•••#i swear i'm normal and not extra and not a ford kinnie and not a billford shipper i swear don't tell on me to mom please #codecracking

9 notes · View notes

miyakuli · 5 months ago

Text

Clannad

Clannad means family. Family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten.

Clannad is that anime from my childhood that I've never really forgotten, because beneath its appearance as a simple teenage romance there was in fact an intimate and poignant story that touched the hearts of a whole generation. It was driven by these nostalgic memories that I decided to finally discover the visual novel on which it's based. Immersed once again in this melancholy atmosphere, I found each character with tenderness and climbed the small hill to the high school, ready to relive the Clannad experience. So, was it up to scratch?

❤ Clannad is a game about encounters; each character in the game, even the most secondary, will have a significant purpose in the life of Tomoya, the MC. In fact, they all have their own identity and their preoccupations will each touch on different themes, to a more or less strong degree, such as self-confidence, bereavement, illness, etc... Whether it's a furtive encounter at the bend in a corridor during a route, or the encounter of a lifetime, these interactions will always be memorable and will become familiar figures in everyday life…and perhaps will follow you, like me, in a corner of your memory, even after more than 10 years. Yes, Clannad's strength really lies in the attachment it creates with its characters. However, my biggest revelation of the game was our protagonist Tomoya. Going from a 3rd person pov in the anime to this time a complete vision of the character and his thoughts, I rediscovered this character, and his evolution really struck me. I felt much more the influence of his encounters on the way he sees the world over the course of the game. From a defeatist teenage delinquent to a responsible, strong-willed adult, Tomoya represents all those moments of insecurity in the face of social pressure and expectations. I think we can all identify at least once with this boy trying to keep his head above water, thanks to the human support of those around him. Life is certainly full of pitfalls, but if at least one person believes in you, that at least gives it a meaning. ❤ Clannad has many paths, but the main one is Nagisa's, which goes through all the emotional phases and develops over several years, notably through the After Story. Personally, this part of the story was the most accomplished, in terms of the writing, the development of the relationships and the emotional balance of each part of their lives. It also connects with the world of illusion dreamed by Tomoya, of which we catch glimpses from time to time, and which leads to such a poetic finale. ❤ I'm going to focus a little more on the relationships between the characters, because I can't help but mention the incredible comic duo formed between Tomoya and his best friend Sunohara. It's literally tough love, with constant teasing and mischief that's bound to put a smile on your face when you see so much silliness. But in the end, their friendship is so fusional, and behind their facade of stupidity lies a real understanding of each other and, although they never really show it, a certain respect. So amidst the many romances in the game, this relationship was one of my great favourites. ❤ The game's soundtrack is also one of its great successes. It's true that at the time of the anime, I'd mostly remembered the famous Dangos theme, and hearing it for the first time in the game immediately made my heart ache with nostalgia. But then I realized just how rich and impactful Clannad was musically. For a start, each character has their own leitmotif, which adds to their identity and defines their character. But above all, the music contributes to the atmosphere of the game - in fact, I think it's crucial in this aspect. The themes are sometimes gentle, sometimes gloomy, or even cheery, and they're extremely memorable. You could easily guess the location, the situation and the characters just by closing your eyes, and that's something! ❤ The game is now dubbed entirely in Japanese (the same seiyuu as the anime btw) and what can I say except that the actors are excellent in their roles. There's not one below the other, and each performance resonates with a great deal of sincerity. The game is also translated into English and I salute the efforts of this official version to have kept as many elements of Japanese culture as possible without having westernized the whole thing. Many of the references (books, TV, folklore, etc.) have been preserved as they are, and a glossary has been added for easier understanding.

+/- The game is very rich in text, both in terms of the different routes offered and the many little branches with lots of variations in the scenes. Even after several hours of play, I was still able to discover new moments with the characters, proving that the game isn't so redundant in its Common Route. However, it's true that given all these details, it's sometimes difficult to access certain routes without a guide, unless you save for each choice (especially since sometimes you have to be extremely precise in the series of choices without it necessarily being instinctive)… +/- The chara-design looks a bit old-fashioned now, but you soon get used to it. On the other hand, I think the character sprites are better than some of the illustrations. The drawing is still a little immature, especially when it comes to proportions. Even so, it's still enough to share the emotion needed during the strongest moments.

✖ Clannad has 10 routes, not counting the After Story, which has 3 alternatives. And to be honest, I found some of them more uneven than others. I also don't always understand the need to force a romance with the female protagonists every time, as sometimes it happened too suddenly or for no apparent reason (Yukine and Misao for example). Even though Clannad is intended to be a "dating sim" in part, I would have enjoyed these same routes without the romance aspect…. ✖ Following on from my previous point, you should also know that the True End can only be unlocked once you've amassed enough shining orbs….which you get after playing ALL the routes, without exception. So perhaps a bit fewer routes would have been fine as well, to avoid a certain mental exhaustion x') ✖ I've read a few reviews criticizing the game for ending a little too idealistic. For my part, I regret the far too positive treatment of Tomoya's father at the end. /SPOILERS/ The ending could have remained satisfying, bearing in mind that not everything in our lives can have a real resolution. Otherwise, it's true that everything seems a bit easy… even though the game has shown that life isn't necessarily like this for everyone.

Clannad is now an indelible story that I will never forget, and for which I will never regret any moment of sorrow and pain, because it is also a part of everyone's life. "I know things might be hard sometimes. But no matter what may await, please don’t regret meeting me." - Nagisa

youtube

➡ My personal VN ranking (in french) ➡ My Steam page

#clannad #it took me almost 60 hours phewwwwwwwwwwww #I cried only once this time haha I WAS PREPARED #personal #Lola plays games

6 notes · View notes

bengiyo · 2 years ago

Text

Never Let Me Go Ep 7 Stray Thoughts

Last time, Palm and Neungdiao fled to the beach to hide after Tanya and Chanon got shot in front of the house. We met Palm's mother, and she begrudgingly took them if they agreed to work. Nuengdiao showed his multilingual prowess by checking in an international gay couple (who I demand return to the plot). Palm spent the entire episode high-key flirting with Nuengdiao, but I am almost certain their ending will be bittersweet now.

Ah, yes, let's begin with Nuengdiao trying to be a normal person, Palm being overly helpful, and bed wrestling. A whole week of Jojo shows is doing wonders for my soul.

The fact that Nuengdiao was clearly turned on, but then sucks his teeth at Palm is so funny. Phuwin and Pond are working so well together.

Episode title: GOOD FORTUNE. Trembling with excitement if people are going to be bold.

I'm so glad Palm is actually watching out for Nuengdiao, because he gets clocked as a rich kid immediately, and almost blew their cover with a credit card.

It's kinda fun when characters who like each other a lot stand really close. Modern audiences know it's because they want to be all up in each other, but if you grew up watching content in 4:3, actors had to stand this close just to be in the frame together.

THE RETURN OF DAVID AND WU. We are living!

I feel like there's some sort of commentary to be made about people using English to communicate when it's not their first language.

Of course Wu sidled up next to Nuengdiao to dish in Mandarin about proposing. I love this show.

Every time Palm does something obviously flirty Nuengdiao looks at him like, "I will fuck you."

Phum is back. I love Pawin, but this character is always starting shit. I'm sure Pawin had fun pretending to curb stomp Chimon.

And we get to see Perth kicking ass?? This episode just keeps on giving.

I hope I don't have to feel weird about this preferred hand later.

What would dramas be without rooftops with which to have earnest, open dialogue?

Ben is very self aware, which makes his self-recrimination land well.

I'm gonna say this every week of every show I watch with him, but I absolutely love Perth's voice.

I feel like Ben has to know that Chopper likes him, which makes me wonder what happened between them for neither to talk about it openly even on the rooftop.

I wonder if Phuwin chose to suck his teeth in annoyance whenever Palm makes him swoon a bit. It's a nice detail.

Oh, this proposal was sweet.

Foot baths??? Jojo every episode this show gets gayer.

Nuengdiao, you can't just start talking about marriage while this man is massaging your feet... Though I do appreciate that Nuengdiao is aware of his own temper.

This night scene in bed is really fascinating with the Eclipse having aired recently. This is another example of needing to use illusions and blinders to have a moment of intimacy.

This fishmonger said, "500 baht per hour?? They don't even pay that in America! Get the fuck out of here!"

100 baht per day? We are working for the experience.

I feel like this is the first time Nuengdiao has really acquiesced to Palm.

I do love when they let the gays have spirituality.

Not these fortunes also contributing to the melancholy.

Well, that's what we expected of how Chanon became indebted to the family.

Tanya isn't dead yet. I think I prefer the drama this way.

Kit is such a fun villain to watch. I really love the way Nat is playing him.

Chopper is visibly disgusted. Perth is also really good. Brilliant to pair him with Nat.

We get a wedding here and a wedding in 2Cutie2Pie this week.

Yes, Palm, take that drink out of his hand. I can't believe we almost had to go through the same plot twice.

I know she is an absent mother, but I do appreciate her asking about the romance in dramatic terms.

She said, "I know you kissed him!"

She also said, "Just hold on loosely, but don't let go. If you cling too tightly you're gonna lose control."

They are back in the room, and Nuengdiao is feeling randy.

Okay, continuity question. If Nuengdiao needs a phone, how do they know Tanya is in a coma?

Nuengdiao is going to be a great manipulator someday. He's preempting all of Palm's objections to get him to agree to date him, even if it's only on this island. Then this man says, "Kiss me like you mean it. Kiss me like you want me."

Ah, that was a tasteful fade. The fic writers will have much to play with.

Damn, and now Chanon got arrested. Looks like beach time is over.

#never let me go #thai bl #bl series #Ben watches

28 notes · View notes

letsrilakkusu-blog · 2 years ago

Text

An ode to Given

A few days ago the internet collectively freaked out - myself included - when it was announced that the next chapter of Given would be the final chapter, ending its 10-year run. I'm honestly still in shock and while I'm trying to stay optimistic that maybe the big announcement that's coming with the final chapter will involve some kind of sequel, a second season of the anime seems more likely. It's difficult coming to terms with the fact that I may have to say goodbye to a series that I love so much, and with an ending that I most likely will not find satisfying. Regardless, Given has taken up a huge space in my heart for the past two years and I just wanted to write about how I found it, my experience with it, and what it means to me.

I've enjoyed manga and anime ever since I was in middle school, but toward the end of college I got too busy to keep up. Fast forward to years later in 2020, I was stuck at home during the pandemic and decided to dive back in. After rewatching a BL anime that I really liked in high school, Given came up as a suggested series. A quick Google search told me that it was a great romance story between boys in a band, cool.

The first episode starts with Mafuyu's melancholy monologue about the dream he keeps on having and I see right off the bat that I've signed up for a bit more than a cute love story with music. Then the opening song Kizuato hits and I'm totally captivated. It's probably one of my favorite opening sequences and truly captures the feel of the series with its hard-hitting instrumentals, Cenmilli's emotional vocals, and the moody art.

The series pace is on the slower side but there was enough drama and intrigue to keep pulling me in, and it's full of comedic gold. And then... episode 9, A Winter Story. It shook me to my core, everything about it was absolutely amazing. Ue's talk with Mafuyu before the show where he admits that even he doesn't know what he is doing or how to express himself, all he knows is that he loves Mafuyu's sound. The song itself, interspersed with flashbacks of Mafuyu and Yuki's relationship and Mafuyu's monologue (his "I'm lonely" is truly devastating, major props to Yano Shogo). THE KISS. A genuine surprise, so quick and so gentle from inexperienced Ue. I had to watch the episode twice because it left me in complete awe and I needed to experience it again. Then episodes 10-11 were the perfect wind-down with a lot of cute and legendary moments, aka Ue experiencing increasing levels of gay panic. The series became an instant favorite and I rewatched it immediately. I can't find the words to properly express what it did to me but it just made me feel so many things, things I don't think I've felt for a long time. I couldn't shake it.

After that, I was still hungry for more Given so I read the manga, which is a totally different and wonderful experience. The art is beautiful, and the way Kizu-sensei portrays emotions through the characters' facial expressions is unparalleled. Soon after that, the movie came to Crunchyroll, and I've been keeping up with the series in every form since. I read the chapters as they come out bi-monthly. I watched the drama adaptation (not great but not the worst I've seen). I watched the OVA many times (my favorite, all the precious RitsuMafu moments I was missing from the movie). I splurged on a second-hand DVD set of the stage play (really well done). I even watched the anime dub (tolerable), and I hate dubs. Rereading and rewatching the series are routine. Safe to say, it's consumed me for two years and the flame has not died down one bit.

Lots of fans joke about referring to Given as our comfort series when it actually hits on a lot of heavy topics and has eviscerated our emotions on more than one occasion. But it truly is my comfort place. Just as I had finished watching the anime for the first time, I lost a very close friend to illness. This friend was a fellow anime/manga enthusiast and was probably the one who introduced me to the world of BL. Although she didn't watch Given, I like to think that it could have been something we would have enjoyed together if we had the time. And although the circumstances are different, I could relate to Mafuyu prematurely losing an important person in his life. Because the story is equal parts pain and healing, Given kind of provided me with a space where I could dump all of the emotions I was experiencing, whether they were happy or sad. It taught me about loss, grief, and above all, the way music and love can heal the wounds that these things have left behind.

I also have to speak separately about the music of Given, it's just so well done, with so much care and attention to detail. You can tell that Cenmilli worked closely with Kizu-sensei or really dived into the source material when working on the music. Every song created for the series relates very clearly to an event or element of the story. I could write praises upon praises for all of them, but some of my favorites include:

Fuyu no Hanashi, for obvious reasons. Yano Shogo's raw vocals are haunting and the guitar riffs are insanely cool. The way the lyrics change from Mafuyu being stuck and unable to say goodbye in the first chorus, to finally moving forward despite that in the last chorus, show that he's getting the closure he needed.

Kizuato - The lyrics perfectly express the series' tagline "can't say goodbye, I'm still drifting with your echoes." And the pre-chorus is so, so good.

Hetakuso - A simple but insanely sweet song that is definitely Mafuyu's response to Ue's admission that he is bad at expressing himself. I squealed when I saw the lyrics mention "covered by the heat of summer" and "not being afraid of the next winter" in reference to the two of them.

Bokura dake no Shudaika - As I read the lyrics, I can't tell if the song is referencing Akihiko and Ugetsu's relationship or Akihiko and Haruki's (maybe it's both), but I actually like that ambiguity. I also love how it beautifully incorporates the violin as a salute to Aki and Ugetsu.

Uragawa no Sonzai - I know Mafuyu is singing the song but I like to think of it from Ue's perspective. He is aware that there is a side to Mafuyu that he doesn't know, his past, a time when he cried, a person he cried over. But he embraces this "existence on the other side" as a precious part of the person he loves and vows that he will fill up for what the other is lacking, and vice versa. I'm crying.

Now that the series is coming to an end, I don't know what I'll do with myself. If it's truly ending for good, I do have my complaints, but I'll save that for another time. No matter what though, Given is solidified as one of my top anime/manga series of all time, and I'm sure I'll keep revisiting it over the years even after it's finished. It's given me so much - joy (RitsuMafu soft moments are my serotonin), sorrow (Strawberry Swing, anyone?), laughs (too many to count), and some of my favorite music - and for that, I'm incredibly thankful.

#given #given manga #given anime #kizu natsuki

12 notes · View notes

axl-ul · 2 years ago

Text

Tag Game: This or That Writer's Edition

First of all, tysm @pens-swords-stuff for the tag <3

1. historical or futuristic

Historical is a Y E S for me. Even when I try to write something futuristic it ends up being either heavily inspired by an older era or it's straight up its alternative version.

2. the opening or closing chapter

As much as I love starting a story and making clear what character does what, what's (not) the purpose of the world and establishing a system and worldbuilding, I'm picking closing chapter. It's always those bittersweet feelings that get me everytime - something old ends and something new begins.

3. light+fluffy or dark+gritty

DARK + GRITTY! The melancholy always finds a way to me, I don't know why tho. Although, light+fluffy is also nice. But my style just flows better with being '3edgy5u'. But light+fluffy...Alright, maybe light and fluffy. I'm picking that one. Enough of angst for today.

4. animal companion or found family

This one's pretty tough for me. I've been around animals since I remember so I hairballs of fluff hold special place in my heart. On the other hand, found family also found its way there. But I'll go with the found family.

5. horror or romance

Horror all the way. Although, I'm attempting write a story with a romance subplot I just can't entirely vibe with it. In horror, I get to use my imagination more often while in the romance I can see the plotline, the future problems and the overall dilemma from a mile away. Which is a shame. Because relationships and their growth can be made so much more interesting just by paying attention to various points of views and angles. WHICH is often used in horror. Plus, I love the fact that the fear comes from the unknown and uncertainity. It unlocks so much of potential for a nice worldbuilding and analysis of a character.

6. hard or soft magic system

Never paid much attention to this so all I can say is that I mostly vibe with the idea when I establish rules for the world itself and then I can get to play with the unknown (the part that not even characters don't know because they MUSTN'T and SHOULDN'T know, not because the can't). A little bit of a mystery play and it's all done. The whole idea of exploration of the world and so on.

7. standalone or series

I've always loved series and it kind of stuck with me, I suppose. Doesn't matter whether it's an anthology, prequel, sequel, spin-off. Give me more, please. And if they're standalones, let them be in the same universe, pretty please (so again, a series, hehe).

8. one project at a time or always juggling 2+

My brain is incapable of holding onto 1 project at a time. I manage to scribble some new ideas which can't make it to the final cut...so I use them as a side material for a future project *oh, yeah, this is big brain time*

9. one award winner or one bestseller

I would be okay even if my books didn't win an award at all. Awarding a book for something or having it labelled as a bestseller sounds alien to me. Like, I just want to share my ideas and my passion with others. My intention isn't to collect those awards like wings of insect. I'll be happy if these stories bring a smile to someone. Or a tear because they developed a bond to a character. Not because the characters are 'relatable'. But because they see an idea or a virtue, the emotion behind each action.

10. fantasy or sci-fi

Sci-fi is alright but I've leaned more towards the fantasy genre since my childhood. So fantasy! <3

11. character or setting description

I dare to say that I'm pretty good at describing but at the same time I'm also character-driven. This will sound slightly unfair. However, I'll cheat on this one and go with 'these two are on a par' (you're gonna forgive me with the cheat? XD )

12. first or final draft

One word - final!

13. love triangle in everything or no romantic arcs

I'm not a huge fan of romance and I usually seek out books that contain little to know romance. However, I must admit that in my writings there, indeed, is a romantic...quadrangle. Because if one suffers, then let them suffer all. Now on the more serious note, I'm not sure whether it would be even counted as a romantic quadrangle since it's much more complicated (one of them hasn't ever even been 'the player in the game' - it's just a lie he chooses to live in).

14. constant sandstorm or rainstorm

Rainstorms in the real life. They bring a truly pleasant atmosphere, kind of relaxing one. Sandstorms mostly in the stories as they bring a nice opportunity for truly unnerving, terifying and/or disturbing scenes.

Tags (again, participate only if you feel like it, no pressure; tagging's only formal, anyone may feel free to join in): @arijensineink @isabellebissonrouthier @isabelcanasauthor @toribookworm22 @faelanvance @myhusbandsasemni @minutiaewriter

#writers of tumblr #writeblr #writeblr community #writers #writers on tumblr #writing community

8 notes · View notes

shittygaypornmagazine · 2 years ago

Note

I just wanted to tell you that your fic is the new “everything everywhere all at once” for me, every single chapter I end up sobbing over how you explain and are able to put into words not only romantic love and relations, but familial and platonic one’s. I end up getting so overwhelmed with emotion and appreciation on how you are able to put so much complex feelings into words that it ends up taking me much longer to finish a chapter than it probably should. But that’s okay, because I feel like this fic deserves it if not more than the time I give it. Objectively, it should take me around 30 minutes to finish (and dissect) a chapter of this length. It takes me more than an hour only to then proceed to take up my entire brain capacity.

Despite the complex concepts you write about, you do it in a way that’s not at all difficult to understand and I appreciate you for how your writing has the intentions reach out and be able to get to everyone on such an emotional level. What gives me the EEAAO feeling of it all is of this specifically but also the fact that you write it in the context of something so simple like ninja turtles.

It doesn’t make any sense to give such heartache and emotions to a turtle, but it DOES and it WORKS /so/ well. It never feels ridiculous or questionable, it just makes me think of how much of a genius you are for putting so much feeling onto someone that we barely have canonical context for. Because the situation can be as dumb and silly as you want and have me giggling and kicking my feet, or be somber and show fondness and reminiscences and have me cry my eyes out and it works better when having both because I have absolutely no idea what I would do if it was missing one or the other.

I think I can say with full confidence that your characterization and version of Nardo is one that will stay with me. I haven’t met him in my entire life but I have??? And he brought me burnt cookies he made with love the other day??? I don’t care how big he is, I will proceed to hold him in my hands gently for the rest of time.

I have so much more that I want to say and I wish I had your way with words so that I could write out a way to say it, but I don’t know what to say cause Nardo and Usagi are giving me brain rot.

Thank you for writing such an incredible fic, I can’t wait to see more and you should know that my heart skips a beat each update <3

(Full Lair Leosagi real)

I'm not going to lie, I had to take a pause every couple of sentences to really take it all in, because although I obvs always knew about the heaviness of some of the themes I was writing about in the fic along side the silliness and the romance, I never have actually thought that it spoke so deeply to anyone else but me, and knowing that it did and does just makes me so emotional in such a way that I can't really explain, and the only picture that could at least come close to describing it would be:

This ask has been a rollercoaster of emotions for me in the sense that I have never felt more proud of a work before while at the same time feeling this little melancholy about the reasons for this fic existing... But you know what, I am proud of them too.

I honestly can't thank you enough for saying all this. This analysis has been the biggest compliment I received and I shall cherish it forever. And if you do find the words you are trying to speak, don't hesitate to send more! I enjoyed every letter from you, and I can't even begin to tell you how touched I am by your opinion about Nardo. He is such comfort to me too, and I completely get everything you say because despite not having met him ever, I'm pretty sure the turtle man has tucked me in for the night a couple of days in a row.

I didn't expect to write that much in response, but I think you deserve nothing less!!! I love you (⁠ ⁠；⁠∀⁠；⁠)

#full lair #ALSO LEOSAGI BRAINROT IS REAL AND YOU SHOULD SAY IT #peepaw multiverse

11 notes · View notes

lightstar789 · 2 years ago

Text

Stars and Smoke by Marie Lu: Review

Okay, the review y'all have been waiting for is finally here, and I'm ready to deliver! Obvious spoilers ahead, by the way.

MY OVERALL RATING: 3/5

My rating will be further broken down in the next couple of sections but let me just say...I kind of expected more from her, in terms of the whole spy concept and enemies-to-lovers romance, which are the main selling points of the novel, hence why my rating is lower than usual books by her. Additionally, there were just a couple things that irked me about this book that I can't ignore. Looking past all of that however, it is still an enjoyable read, and as a sucker for good action scenes and characters, she delivered!

THE GOOD:

THE ACTION:

Okay, can I just tell you how much I love authors that utilize their characters' normally unassuming abilities to make them extremely efficient in combat?? I LOVE how Winter's performance abilities (dancing, stage persona, choreography) always come in clutch whenever he's in a tight position. Though he's not naturally inclined to the spy life, he's still able to use his wits to think of a plan on the spot, like how he lied to Penelope about the location of her hairpin, and then broke out of his bonds using the private concert as reference. I also love how Sydney fights smarter, not harder, and always finds a way to make it out of every fight due to her lung condition. I've always admired characters that use their wits above all, despite being physically lacking in some aspects compared to their opponents, so all of that was *chef's kiss.*

THE CHARACTERS:

I could talk for hours and hours on end about how much each one of Marie Lu's characters have a chokehold on me, and this book is no different. I absolutely loved the roster of Panacea agents, and Winter's crew. I feel like this book did a better job at addressing all the side characters meaningfully than Skyhunter did (though let's be real, nothing will ever beat Warcross and TYE). I also liked how almost the entirety of the Morrison crew, sans Penelope, Leo, Eli and Connor are queer! Quite refreshing if you ask me!

Winter Young: The ML of the book. Going into the book, I initially thought he was gonna be a Day 2.0 but more full of himself. Instead, I was pleasantly surprised! For the most part he is more melancholy and raw than teasing. Part of what makes him such a compelling character is the fact that he constantly yearns for love and admiration in any form, because he'd been denied that for so long. His older brother Artie had been his last source of love before he died, before it all went up in flames for his family, with the amount of abuse and neglect he and his mother had to endure because of his dad. Because of this, Winter desperately tries to find ways that he can make a positive impact on the world other than his music and signing, and I find that a lot better than what I had initially expected!

Sydney Cossette: The FL of the book. There is a lot to talk about regarding her but it might not be as much as Winter considering her arc isn't exactly finished yet. While unfortunately she does fall victim to several annoying YA tropes at first, luckily, she grows out of them as the book progresses. She's described as someone who's constantly on the run from her issues in order for them not to interfere with her spy work, which she seems to take very seriously. Her lung condition is a painful reminder of her late mother, and the realization that she will always be hindered by it, especially when her job is so demanding. She is also kleptomaniac to gain control over something in her life, and is trying to beat back these instincts in order to remain an agent of Panacea. Sydney is logical and secretive, but secretly longs for love, just like Winter does, wanting to wear her heart on her sleeve outside of her career.

Now these two yearning for love and a genuine connection should make them palatable love interests, and the enemies-to-lovers certainly makes this couple compelling. Right? RIGHT???

Yeah, no. Which brings me to...

THE BAD & THE UGLY:

Suffice to say that there's nothing ugly about this book, but more so bad. These aspects here are the reason why I deducted two stars from the overall rating of this book.

THE ROMANCE:

Hoo boy. I went on about this for two hours with a couple others in the Skyhunter discord server last night. Lately, I've been noticing a downwards trend in the quality of Marie Lu's romances, and it's hard to believe that the same person who gave us Dune, Magelina, and Romaine (Emika deserves better than Hideo tbh, but they were cute) gave us Wydney and Redlin.

Oh yeah, by the way, during the Steelstriker review regarding the romance aspect of Redlin aspects of the book, I was fucking lying. All of my mutuals at the time LOVED Redlin and I didn't want to disappoint them by saying I found the romance aspect off. I might make a retrospective review of the Skyhunter duology soon, but only time will tell. For now...

PLEASE MAKE YOUR MAIN CHARACTERS PLATONIC FOR ONCE!! I'M BEGGING YOU!!

Winter and Sydney were just finally beginning to understand each other when I got hit with that ATROCIOUS make-out scene in Chapter 24. I'm not sure if its because of my inner aro-ace or the fact that she was FUCKING POISONED and THAT WAS THE LAST THING THEY SHOULD'VE BEEN DOING. Like?? Why make Wydney smush lips when they could've left it at the simple kiss it once began as??

Not only that, but I could tell the seeds for their mutual attraction were placed and that Lu tried so hard to make them a cute romance, but it just didn't work?? I know their story is nowhere near over in any means but I find it kind of weird that they're gonna make-out when they've only just begun to like each other.

Okay, rant over.

I love how Dameon and Winter are still amicable with each other, despite having broken up. It's honestly refreshing to see a couple that has parted ways, but are still close friends with each other, which doesn't happen very often (*VIOLENT ROMAINE FLASHBACKS*), so props to Marie Lu for this!

PLOT HOLE:

In hindsight, while I praised the worldbuilding of the Skyhunter duology, there were...so many plot holes retrospectively??? Thankfully there weren't as many plot holes this time, due to the modern setting but...

WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO AVOIDING THE LISTENING BUGS???

Okay I get that by the time of the check-in from Panacea, the poisoning and subsequent make-out scene in the middle of the hall, Eli Morrison was dead, but did they forget that Connor (and Penelope, as we later find out) were still listening to them?? Did they forget that they were undercover?? I'm honestly surprised none of this was addressed later, or this wasn't used against them, which is why I'm counting it as a plot hole.

THE PROSE:

Okay, I get that this is supposed to be a campy, light, novel, and honestly, I kinda needed that sort of thing after Skyhunter but did that give it the excuse to be written like a Wattpad fanfic?? Methinks not. Also, Marie Lu tends to forget the definition of subtlety a bit and hammer down the same adjectives with the same character so you always associate that character. I noticed it VERY prominently in Skyhunter with Jeran and here, with Dameon and it needs to stop for the sake of my mental health.

THE MOOD:

While this was meant to be written as a campy novel, certain aspects of the book like the SOUL CRUSHING ANGST :( made me want to take this book seriously...which is a recipe for a good whiplash when you're reading Chapter 7 and then get to the bickering and tension in Chapter 8. This isn't bad or ugly per se, just didn't know where to put it.

T - T

Okay, wow, that was a lot more writing than I was expecting, but what can you expect? It's me we're talking about! Anyway, I'd love to see what you guys think of the book, so please, reblog or reply to this post with your thoughts. See ya!

#marie lu #stars and smoke #jesus christ nearly tagged skyhunter with how much content i've made for that book #the retrospective review of the skyhunter duology is coming soon fingers crossed #bookblr #reading #2023 reads

4 notes · View notes