#meds did not help but still taking melatonin every night

[wishfulsketching]

My insomnia is at the stage where I can barely have any original thoughts, but I could yap (incoherently) about The Invisible Man 2000-2002 and its potential for hours

Yet. I will not. You are spared

Thankfully, I've had a few good nights now. Reading Martha Wells' City of Bones every night to lull me to sleep. So far a solid 8/10

[ghoulie-67-baby]

Overtired- Criminal Minds.

Summary: Penelope is working a case in the early hours and you can’t sleep without your girlfriend by your side.

Prompts: ‘C’mere, you can sit in my lap until I’m done working.’

Warnings: fluff, Penelope being a top tier Girlfriend, Domsub (depending on your mindset), medication mentions, little angsty.

Pairing: Penelope Garcia x GN!reader.

Word count: 859.

A yawn ripped from my throat as I tossed and turned in bed. I shivered, missing Penelope's warmth in our bed, and if fed out a heavy sigh. She had been dragged out of bed because of a case and though I knew it was incredibly important, it still irritated me.

Warm light spread from the living room alongside hushed voices. I knew I wouldn't sleep until they all left so I swung my legs from the covers and slipped on my slippers. JJ had bought them for my birthday, they had cupcakes on them because that was my nickname for Henry. Yanking my gown off a hanger, I wandered towards the light. For moments, nobody noticed me standing there in my pyjamas, dressing gown hanging loosely over my shoulders.

"Hey babydoll," Derek greeted me as he spotted me, smiling softly, using the nickname that matched Penelope's. "We didn't wake you did we?" I shook my head, stepping into a hug as he held out his arms to me.

"It's okay, haven't been sleeping great anyway." I buried my head in his shoulder as I stifled a yawn.

"It's nice to see you Y/N," Pulling out f the hug, I grinned at my girlfriend's boss. "Sorry about the timing."

"You too Hotch, pretty bad case, huh?" I wandered towards the kitchen to grab some water, seeing a brief, serious nod. I could feel the irritation and lack of sleep beginning to make me antsy as I watched the team working. My eyes rested on Penelope who was sucked into her screen, working as quickly as she could despite the bags under her eyes.

"Not to sound rude but how long is this going to take?" My eyes flickered to the clock that read two thirty in the morning. Emily snickered at the question as I yawned again. I wasn't bothered about my own sleep at the moment but Penelope needed rest too and she hadn't been sleeping great either.

"Impossible to say," Rossi gave me a sympathetic smile from his seat in the armchair. My shoulders deflated at the statement, my over-tiredness starting to take over. I always got emotional when I was tired.

"You okay, Peach?" My girl looked at me with concerned eyes, patting the arm of the sofa in invitation. I shuffled over, sinking onto the arm and staring at the non-sensical codes on the screen.

"M'just tired Penny," I shrugged it off. "I'll be fine."

"Have you tried any herbal remedies? Valerian root is supposed to be good for sleep troubles alongside menopause and anxiety." My lip twitched in amusement as Spencer spoke. "A study has shown that taking five hundred and thirty milligrams of Valerian every night for thirty days has had a significant improvement in sleep quality, latency and duration compared to a placebo in people who had undergone heart surgery."

"It doesn't work, and if you're insinuating I'm going through menopause then I suggest you hold your tongue, Doctor." I teased, smiling slightly as he ducked his head in embarrassment.

"Have you had your meds, Peach?" Penelope murmured whilst she worked. "They'll help you sleep."

"No, I haven't and I won't." My voice was colder than I had intended but Melatonin never reacted well with me. "I'd rather not sleep at all than put up with nightmares thank you." Her hand lifted to rest on my thigh, squeezing it comfortingly.

"Babydoll, we've spoken about this." Derek's voice was laced with concern but firm. I didn't hold back my glare as the burning in my throat started up again from holding back tears.

"I don't care." I sounded pathetic like a child being scolded by a parent.

"Y/N that's enough," The hand on my thigh tightened in a warning and I tangled my fingers in my lap as I held back tears.

"You want me to come and sit with you whilst Penelope works, Honey?" JJ's offer was sweet but I didn't want to leave Penny's side. Shaking my head, I sunk into myself a little, looking down at my girlfriend with blurred eyes.

Placing her laptop on the table, she shifted her stuff around before looking back up at me. Hotch shuffled where he stood like he was expecting her to kick them out.

"C'mere Peach," she motioned for me to get off the arm of the sofa. "You can sit in my lap until I'm done working." I sluggishly climbed onto her lap, legs straddling hers as I leaned against her chest. I'd forgotten all about the team watching us as I buried my head into her neck and relaxed into the embrace and warmth. I didn't care that they'd witnessed the whole thing, didn't care about any opinion they formed or their reaction. I didn't care because I was warm and comfortable, the sound of keys tapping and muttering fading into the background as I found myself lulled into a state of half-sleep by her gentle breathing and occasional kiss to the top of my head.

The mix of all those stimulants had me drifting for a while before my body finally succumbed to sleep, giving up fighting the exhaustion.

[niuniente]

I stumbled upon above image from this blog and went “Huh, that’s exactly how my fingernails grow. I know it can be a sign of a severe health problem but doctors haven’t found anything and my fingernails have looked like that for my whole life”. (I’d like to grow my nails long but I can’t because the pressure of the curving is too much and painful.)

(and here’s a pic of healthy nails, growing as they should)

I checked the origin of the photo and found the blog I just mentioned. It’s run by an English person who was diagnosed with BJHS - Benign Joint Hybermobility Syndrome. I read all the person’s experiences and symptoms and yikes! That’s me! (with overlapping IBS and iron deficiency which can’t be treated)

“Benign meaning “it will not kill me,” not that it’s all fluffy-kittens-and-sunshine. Joint Hypermobility meaning my joints move too much in the wrong ways (yes, “double jointed,” though of course I have only a single set of each joint). Syndrome meaning that this problem creates a cascade of other issues throughout my body. BJHS is a connective tissue-based disorder. Somewhere along the line, my genetics have made it so that I don’t either produce enough of, or don’t process completely, the protein collagen. Collagen is like the scaffolding for every connective tissue in  your body. Connective tissues include: skin, muscles, ligaments, tendons, hair, bones, eyes, blood vessels, spinal discs, cartilage, the intestines, the heart, the liver… basically, everywhere. In fact, I can’t actually name a part of the body that doesn’t contain it.”

Here are the blog person’s experiences VS my experiences

Insomnia: did I mention the hyper-wired, jazzed-up, over-talkative, never-shuts-down nature of my brain? That I get more hyper the more exhausted I become? That I used to sleep so lightly that my roommate in college could wake me up by writing in her journal? Did I mention that, without the right meds, I probably get one or two nights of truly deep, restful sleep… a year? Me: Yup! I sleep so slightly that when I had a flatmate, I woke up when she touched the handle of her door. Though my insomnia isn’t as bad as this persons, I do regularly need melatonin to sleep normally. Otherwise I can’t fall asleep until 8am, even if I was super tired during the day. Otherwise I sleep well.

Liver metabolism: I have serious problems processing medications, as I have a liver that is slow to metabolize chemicals. I cannot take a very long list of drugs, including most pain killers. This also includes naturopathic treatments… even my own hormones! I get side effects (or no effects) with everything I take. As my naturopath likes to say: “You just walk by a chemical, and it affects you.” Me: My shiatsu healer said that my liver is not working properly. I have hormonal problems. Even with the IUD I still get them monthly, though IUD has improved my health tremendously.

Complex PTSD and anxiety: like the stuff combat veterans get, only not quite. Caused by excessive exposure to stressful situations that one cannot escape, like, say… a bully at work (not saying that was my situation. Just as an example…). Though I received great treatment, people with BJHS are prone to stuff like this: fight or flight, remember? Me: I’m getting better but I’m 24/7 anxious more or less. I hope I can continue having anxiety medication for “bad things” like traveling. Do you know how annoying it is that you love traveling and have traveled the same journey for 10+ years and your anxiety still says “Okay but this time, something bad CAN happen!!” I was also pretty much mute for 12 years. My muscles are tense 24/7 due hyperactive nervous system and anxiety.

Heart palpitations: yucky, but harmless Me: Sometimes they happen, ugh...

Irritable bowel syndrome Me: TELL ME ABOUT IT QoQ The IUD has helped with this, too, as apparently I also have endometriosis which causes IBS to some.

Sinus problems and severe allergies (go immune system, go!) Me: YUP! Just got finally an allergy medication after sneezing daily, 20 times a day for 30 years. I new life has began! My nose isn’t running! I don’t need to have a truckload of tissues everywhere!

GERD (bad acid reflux) Me: And it gets worse with hormonal changes... I’ve got 4 different medications for this.

Poor balance and an inability to fully understand where my body is in relation to everything else. Me: Not really my issue but I do get clumsy with hormonal chances. It’s a common joke between me and my sister by now.

An inability to regulate body temperature, including both freezing extremities and excessive sweating, sometimes at the same time Me: This is genuinely THE WORST! It’s -30C outside, I go there half-naked, walk for 3 minutes and I’m sweating like a little big. All my clothes are trenched with sweat in 10 minutes. I’m inside and it’s 23C and I need wool socks and wake up with a sore throat because it’s too cold. I also “catch” the temperatures easily and shower (or sauna) is then the only option. If I catch “cold”, I will not warm up no matter how warmly I dress and sit in front of a heater. If I catch “hot”, I will not cool down even if I sat in front of a fan naked with ice-cubes on my body.

Hair that breaks easily and nails that are bent and curl off the tips of my fingers, as well as fingers that wrinkle like I’ve been in the tub for days Me: Yes. I need to use hair oil daily and baby oil for body and my eyes are like Sahara desert. Nails curve and my fingers are always wrinkly.

I have painful big toe joints, so no high heels for me. Walking long distances can be a disaster, so good shoes are very important. I suffer from plantar fasciitis, which means the bottoms of my feet hurt, especially in the morning. Me: Same. I went to doctor to complain how my toes hurt but they couldn’t find anything. My soles hurt extremely easily - like 5h walking and I’m already in pain. Doesn’t matter if I’m 45kg or 100kg in weight, it still hurts the same. Fingers hurt all the time.

My immune system is hyper-active as well, mounting elaborate, full-scale mucus or lymph node or other responses to mild colds and viruses. I’m sick a lot longer than normal people, and a lot more seriously, yet it’s not due to a poor immune system, but rather one that’s too strong. Me: Same. Last time I was sick was in 2017. It was just a normal cold but it took 4 weeks from me to recover. I was bedridden for a week. I’ve not gotten covid and despite my shitty bowl I don’t get sick easily. I don’t remember the last time I was sick prior 2017. Probably in 2007? With a bit runny nose though.

Loose connective tissues mean joints that move too easily, which means pinched nerves and pain. Think about how it feels when you throw your back out, or get carpal tunnel syndrome. Now imagine this feeling all over your body.  My nerves get pinched, causing several types of pain. I get back pain, obviously. I get numbness and mild paralysis in my thighs and hands. I get weakness in my legs and arms, and sciatica/restless leg sensations if I sit too long. Worst of all, I get parasthesia in my fingers and toes (that’s the tingling, painful sensation you get when you sit funny and your foot goes numb, then starts to wake up). I have this sensation, in varying degrees, all the time. Me: I’m literally in pain all around my body from neck below, for 24/7. Only the level of pain differs. I get easily numbness to arms and legs. I’ve started to suffer of restless legs and middle body with heavy jolting, especially if I’m tired. If I’m stressed and go to sleep, my nose and lips switch a lot.

[stormyoceans]

doctor anxiety solidarity 😭😭 i have a chronic sleep disorder that means i literally cannot attend school or get a job because it's impossible to actually attend something at the same time every week. i'm 25 and for the last 15 years it's just been 'eat more fruit & veg maybe?' and 'we don't want to put you on meds bc that'll make you dependent' and 'well the lightbox didn't work and there's no other nhs-funded treatments in this area so i guess you'll have to live with it :/' like girl!!! this is driving me insane!!! i know doctors are overworked and all but it's as if they dont even have time for empathy anymore :( :(

ANON I CAN RELATE TO THIS SO MUCH

it hasn't been so long for me, but for the past 4 years i've been suffering from insomnia almost every night and when i tried to look into it because it was starting to effect the quality of my life, i basically got the exact same answers as you did: 'you're drinking too much coffee, cut that out', 'your lifestyle is too sedentary, work out more', 'you're stressed, go on vacation', 'try these melatonin gummies and maybe go back to therapy'...... and like!!! i know these are good advices for a healthy lifestyle, and it's always good to keep them in mind, but i wish doctors would LISTEN when i tell them THOSE DIDN'T DO SHIT!!!!! I STILL HAVE THAT STUPID INSOMNIA AND IT'S DEBILITATING!!!!!!! there are days at work where my productivity is non-existent because i can't focus and have a hard time even remembering how words work!!!!!

im so sorry to hear that you're also dealing with a chronic sleep disorder because i know how awful it is. some days it feels like i can barely function and i've only been experiencing it for 4 years, but it's been 15 years for you!!!! i honestly can't imagine how hard it must have been to try to go through school while dealing with this!!!! AND IM GETTING ANGRY ON YOUR BEHALF BECAUSE IT'S UNACCEPTABLE THAT NO ONE WAS ABLE TO HELP YOU OUT PROPERLY AND THAT THEY EXPECT YOU TO JUST LIVE WITH IT THAT'S NOT OKAY!!!!!!!

and like you said, i know doctors are also humans and badly overworked, so i always try to be respectful and kind, but it's SO FRUSTRATING when you have an issue that is seriously effecting your life and the only people who can help you out just won't listen or care enough to find a solution

i really do hope you will eventually find a doctor that's gonna take your problem seriously and help you find a treatment that works for you, because you deserve a damn good night of sleep and a stable lifestyle. in the mean time, im sending you all my love and support and solidarity, and im always here for you if you need to talk or vent a little!!!!

[againstme]

jesus christ can this program get something in order for once and get someone to take me to this urgent care after saying they would “soon” this morning? it’s gonna take me ages to be seen in the office. and they might have to do fluids and meds. and then i’ll probably get a prescription for antibiotics to pick up. and when i get home, i’ll still be expected to do my chore and shit. i want to get this overwith.

god forbid this program have some semblance of enough employees staffed or good communication at all.

i have two infected wisdom tooth on the left side of my face, i think one or both are broken as well. they’ve been causing me pain for almost 3 weeks, and the pain has been every single day and night. the pain has been intensifying. i wasn’t able to sleep last night at all. i took tylenol at a bit after 9, and wasn’t allowed to take it again until 2:15 in the morning.

tylenol, my sleeping medication, and melatonin on top of that didn’t make me fall asleep because i was in so much pain. i laid there for 6 fucking hours trying to get myself to sleep, cradling my head and asking out loud in my room for someone, something, to help me get the pain to stop. knowing there was nothing i could do. i was fucking miserable. 7 on the pain scale.

and when i did get to take my tylenol at 2 am, it still didn’t do anything. i didn’t sleep, or at least, barely. by the time i got comfortable, the overnight staff member came to wake us all up 10 minutes later.

i don’t know how i’m functioning today. they told me that once i get to the center, they’ll take me to the urgent care “soon.” i’ve been here for almost 4 hours. nothing has happened, and i’ve been given very vague guesses of when i would be taken, including during this time frame right now, 11:45-1, and it’s 12:43, and nothing.

i want to get to the urgent care before i’m back to cradling my head in my hands. why is this so fucking hard to figure out.

[lowestechelonabomination]

you know what, screw it. Here's a list of my headcanons on ADA members' sleep schedules:

-Dazai: probably makes himself sleep deprived as a form of self sabotage. Stays up until 5-6 a.m. regularly, only sleeps for more than 5 hours whenever he passes out from being drunk. Frequently oversleeps in the morning, shows up at the ADA at a different time every day because of how erratic his sleeping is. Has a headache nearly 24/7 and permanent brain fog, can't concentrate on work ever because even just thinking takes so much effort. Probably thinks that the "has trouble thinking" thing is a good thing because then his brain is too exhausted to throw overly negative thoughts at him. Used to pull all-nighters all the time in the PM because he mostly worked at night, so now he's just used to not sleeping at night and doesn't see why he should fix it. No one trusts him with sleep meds like melatonin, so they begrudgingly let him be Like This as long as he isn't too much of a threat to himself

-Kunikida: has precisely 8 hours of sleep per day written out in his Ideals, and tries to stick to it whenever he can. But his workaholicism frequently conflict with this, and so he often ends up staying up until 3-4, writing reports and the like, and then feels extremely guilty in the morning and buries himself in more work. In college he would go for days without sleeping because he wanted to always turn in all of his work on time, then eventually dropped out because he realized that he could not let himself do this any longer, and his previous position as TA was good enough already. Definitely has revenge bedtime procrastination but will never let himself admit it

-Atsushi: usually gets enough sleep, but will often have nightmares in the form of flashbacks, so he wakes up tired anyway. Has trouble falling asleep for this reason too. Kyouka silently gives him things to help him sleep on bad days, and makes sure he's getting at least 6 hours every night. Having the tiger in him helps him deal with exhaustion and gives him a little more energy

-Kyouka: because of her past as an assassin, she isn't used to sleeping during the day. Stays up very late because she can't make herself fall asleep any earlier. Sleeps very lightly because she's used to having to jump up and fight at any moment. Thinks that getting 5 hours of sleep is enough. Is very tired all the time, but doesn't let anyone really see it. Has some mild brain fog. Atsushi helps her sleeping issues just like she helps him with his

-Kenji: hello daytime drowsiness! Gets enough sleep at night, but still frequently finds himself falling asleep during the day due to his ability. Yosano tried introducing him to caffeine to help him stay awake, but then he started bouncing off the walls and accidentally broke almost everything he touched because of how much energy he had, so now he's banned from caffeine and the rest of the ADA makes sure he has his naps whenever he needs to

-Yosano: knows the effect of sleep deprivation very well. Gets 7 hours often, but is always ready to stay up late helping people. "Caffeine addiction" is an understatement, and there are empty energy drink cans littering her entire workspace. Sleeps pretty lightly, and is ready to get to work at any moment because she's a doctor, and sometimes people need help at night, whether it's from injuries or if they just need someone to talk to. Will often stay up very late on weekends because she also has revenge bedtime procrastination, but, unlike Kunikida, she calls it exactly what it is. The third Friday of each month is dedicated to a late-night drinking session with Dazai where they talk about all of their problems. Ranpo often accompanies them, but eats candy instead of drinking because Ranpo and alcohol are a terrible combination. Kunikida was roped into the gathering a few times as well, but only Ranpo has any memories of what happened during those times

-Ranpo: pretty burned out most of the time, but doesn't know why. Executive dysfunction makes it so that he can't make himself work during the day, and then the guilt sticks with him for the rest of the day. Often overthinks at night. But he still gets 9 hours of sleep regularly. Crashes pretty early in the night (compared to other ADA members, at least), but will stay up all night when given the chance to binge something like a show or a new mystery novel, typically one of Poe's. Stays up late with Yosano, but mostly on weekends

-Tanizaki: is probably still recovering from the sleep schedule most students have, but is doing very well with sleeping otherwise. Naomi often forces him to sleep enough. Thought his sleep schedule was just okay, but then looked at the rest of the ADA and realized that he was doing a lot better than almost all of them

-Naomi: gets about as much sleep as you'd expect from a student with a part-timer in a detective agency. But she still tries her best to get enough, and on the days where she barely slept she'll stay home and rest. Overall, she seems like she'd be pretty responsible

-Fukuzawa: tired all the time. Running an agency takes a lot of energy, and he has a huge workload. Will often pull all-nighters at the office and then slide in and out of microsleeping the day after. His office is separate from the rest of the ADA, so he zones out in there a lot. Drinks tea as a source of caffeine. Dreams about becoming a cat and getting to sleep for 18 hours a day. Fukuzawa is used to working alone, and so often refuses help from people. He sees himself in Kyouka, and notices the fatigue she tries so hard to hide simply because he did the same. He has explained to her how long the recovery process from the nocturnal lifestyle will be, and tries to help her whenever he can. He helps all of the members, really. He lets Kenji sleeps when he needs to, allows Dazai and Ranpo to slack off, will often try to redistribute Kunikida's workload, worries about Atsushi, and helps Naomi with homework during breaks. He really, really wants to be a cat sometimes

[supernaturallyobsessedchic]

He Obviously Cares

Pairing: Dean x Reader; OFC!Male!Character (James) x Reader (formally)

Warnings: Mild Angst, break ups, depression mentioned, Depressed vibes in the beginning, Team Free Will being sweet, Dean being sweet, Fluffy

Word Count: 2.4k

a/n: I did recently broke up with my boyfriend, and this is loosely what happened between us. And I do have these worries about him. But I hope you enjoy this; this is my first fic since being on hiatus.

Main Masterlist

Mobile Masterlist

~

She packed her bags; she was making her move.

She loaded up her car, now her boyfriends house is void of her items and belongings. She had thought moving in with him would help him with whatever he was going through but it did not. He was insecure, worried she was going to find another guy. Kept saying she didn’t like him, after every time she said she liked him. Saying he’s not sweet, when he was being sweet towards her. Kept referring himself as “The Bad Guy”. She could feel this was going to be hard to constantly reassure him that he’s wrong.

Until one night, where she stayed at one of the many hunter’s cabins, she wanted to alone time after a hard day. He respected her, understood her. Until she was getting ready for bed. A text came through as she was brushing her teeth.

“You don’t have Feelings for me.”

“Just tell me.”

Her heart pounded in her chest.

I constantly say I love you; I constantly reassure you, and reassure you and you still feel like this towards me. She thought.

Picking up her phone.

This is it. I’m ending this. I can’t do this anymore.

“Ugh, apparently I’m not good enough for you or your insecurities. Insecurities is a trust issue type of thing. And clearly you just don’t trust me.”

“OMG, No that’s not it.”

“It is it. I can’t do this anymore. It’s exhausting to constantly reassure you that you’re okay. That we’re okay. And clearly it’s not getting through to you.”

“Please stop.”

“No, it’s done. We’re done. Clearly “I don’t have feelings for you.” It’s what you told me!”

“It’s over. We’re done. Goodbye James.”

She could see him working to text her back. But stopped.

She was shaking, the nerves were running high. She took her anti-anxiety meds, some melatonin to help her relax enough to go to bed.

Now here she was, at his place while he was at work. To get her stuff and return her key to him.

She drove down the long highway, heading to the one place she knew she would be welcomed back. The one place she remained family.

She entered Lebanon Kansas around midnight. She entered the bunkers garage just shortly after one in the morning. She still remembered the key to get in, where Sam and Dean always stashed it. She parked her car next to Baby. Killing the engine she leaves her belongings in her car, very exhausted. Both emotionally, mentally, and physically.

She walks the halls slowly; nothing has changed much since she left.

She found her way to the library. Sam and Dean weren’t up, they were in bed. She sat at one of the tables. Making herself comfortable.

Her eyes began to feel warm; tears began to surface.

He had crippling depression; he will more likely kill himself over this.

Just you wait, you’ll see his obituary that he died by suicide and there will be a note blaming you.

If he dies, it will be your fault. Sure he hurt you, but you hurt him far worse.

Her hands came up to her ears, and she let the tears fall.

 Dean was one of the first to wake up. He walked up to the kitchen, doing his usual routine. Getting coffee brewed and ready for him and Sam.

Once done, he got himself a cup of coffee and walked down to the library to check if there were any new cases they could take.

Walking through the war room, he saw someone sitting in their chair, knees to her chest. Her head on her knees. He knew her from anywhere.

“Y/N?” He says, trying to wake her up.

She began to stir.

She looked up at Dean with a lifeless look in her eyes.

“I’m gonna kill him.” He says with a hard look on his face.

“No don’t, he’s not worth it.” she says, her voice void of life.

“Sweetheart, what happened, I thought you loved him.”

“Apparently “I don’t have feelings for him.’”

“He got insecure again, huh?”

She nodded.

“Why was I not good enough for him?”

“He was just insecure; it wasn’t you sweetheart. It was him, not you.”

“He has crippling depression; I just have a bad feeling I hurt him so much he’d kill himself.”

“He’s a dad, he’s not going to kill himself. He’s got a reason to live.”

True. She thought.

“When’d you get in?”

“I got here around one…maybe two in the morning.”

“Should have called or texted me before you left wherever it was you were leaving. I would have had a room ready for you.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be, now let’s work on you. Come on sweetheart, you can sleep in my room.”

“I still have my stuff in my car.”

“We’ll worry about those later, now, you need proper sleep.”

She got up, her shoulders slumped, her expression even told him she was overly exhausted.

She, without thinking, walked right up to Dean. His arms wrapped around her, hugging her close and tight to him.

“It’s going to be okay sweetheart.” He says softly.

She took a deep breath, taking in his scent. His body wash, shampoo, his particular smell always calmed her down.

He could feel her relax in his hold; he even knew she had no intentions of moving anytime soon. And knowing how exhausted she was, he worked her into his arms to carry her to his room.

He laid her down on his bed. Covering her up under his covers, she snuggled more into his covers.

He walked back into the kitchen to make breakfast. Seeing Sam up.

“Morning.” Sam says.

“Hey.”

“Was that Y/N I saw you carrying?”

“Yep.”

“What’s she doing back?”

“She broke up with James. Apparently he got insecure again, saying she didn’t have feelings for him.”

“Sounds like he didn’t allow himself to trust her.”

“Sounds like that to  me too. But she’s exhausted, not herself either. She got worried about him and his depression getting bad.”

“Do you think, Cas could wipe his memory. Wipe her from his memory so he wouldn’t hurt as much?”

“Possibly, we could do that for her.”

“Already done.” Cas says walking into the kitchen. Making Dean and Sam jump.

“You need a damn bell or something on you Cas, quit sneaking up on us.”

“Apologies Dean.”

“I see that Y/N has returned to us, but I can sense she is drained.”

“She is. And we’re taking a break from hunting to take care of her.” Dean says.

“Where do we start?” Sam asks.

“Her stuff is in her car; I’m making her breakfast. Wash her clothes, get her old room set up. Cas, you are going to get her favorite foods, snacks, and movies. And get the Dean cave set up for a movie night tonight.”

“Alright Dean.” Cas says, turning to leave.

“I’ll get her stuff and start laundry.” Sam says, taking his mug of coffee with him.

Dean turned to the fridge, finding bacon, eggs, and milk. Making pancakes, bacon, and eggs. A hefty, hearty breakfast.

 She woke up to the smell of bacon. She stirred awake at the moment Dean walked in with a tray full of food. A mug of coffee. A glass of cold orange juice.

“What is this?”

“Just taking care of my girl is all.”

“You’re girl?”

“Yeah, you’re my girl. Remember?”

“Dean, I just broke up from an exhausting relationship.”

“Just as friends sweetheart, I’m not trying anything honest.”

“Thanks Dean, that’s really sweet of you.” She says with a soft smile.

He returned her a kind and soft smile. Walking in more and sat the tray on her lap.

“You cooked enough food, that’s for sure.”

“I only assume you didn’t eat anything yesterday or on your trip here.”

“You assumed right.” She says.

“We’re not hunting today, we told Garth to let some hunters in on some cases we find.”

She nodded, grabbing her fork, and digging in.

“Why don’t you eat something Dean?” she asks, mouth full of food. Making Dean chuckle.

“I ate already, I’m good. Besides, we’re getting your room set up, and among other things. So you just relax while we do that.”

“Thank you Dean, that’s sweet of you guys.”

“Anything to help you sweetheart. Eat up, relax and I’ll stop by again soon.” He says, turning to leave. Taking the keys to the Impala.

 She finished her plate, only being able to eat half of what he made her. She gets up to clean off her plate. Finding Sam in the kitchen.

“Hey Y/N, it’s good to see you.” He says, with a kind smile.

“It’s good to be back with you guys.” She says returning a sure and kind smile.

“Here, let me, I’ll wash those for you.” He says, holding out his hands.

She gives him her tray. “Thanks Sammy.”

“Anything to help you sweety, why don’t you go take a shower or something, relax, get cleaned up. I bet you feel gross.”

“I do. That sounds good right now.” She says turning to head to the shower room.

She heads to her old room, finding her bags on the bed, the room in the midst of a makeover. Clearly not done. She finds a note on her duffle bag.

Seeing it was written by Dean.

‘Hey sweetheart, I’m betting you are wanting a shower or something to get cleaned up and relax. Knowing you’re not a fan of baths, I bought you some shampoo and body wash that would help you relax. I’ve heard lavender scented anything helps relax you. Go check the shower room, I want you wearing my clothes, use the shampoo and body wash I got you. Take as long as you need to. Freshen up, and I’ll see you soon. ­– Dean’

She smiled at the note, turned out of her room and she made her way to the shower room finding Dean’s Henley, sweats, a pair of her clean underwear, and his flannel. She even seen the lavender scented body wash and shampoo.

She got the water set at the perfect temperature and stood under the steamy stream of water.

She took a deep breath, closing her eyes. Content to starting over. Pretending those few months didn’t exist. Sure she can’t get that time back. But at least she ended it before it got worse.

 The scent of lavender filled the shower room when she finished. She even felt even more relaxed as she wore Dean’s clothes, smelling his scent in his clothes.

She walked around the bunker in stockinged feet. She walked past the Dean cave seeing Cas in there, rearranging the room.

“Cas?”

“Y/N, Glad to see you’re doing well. How are you feeling?”

“Better, what’s this?”

“Dean, Sam and I think a movie night will help further. So I bought all of your favorites, your favorite movies and snacks.”

“That’s sweet of you guys.”

“Anything for a friend.”

She smiles at her angel friend.

They all said the same thing to me, anything for you, anything for a friend, anything for my girl. I like this. I feel valued. She thought.

“Of course we value you Y/N, you matter to us.” Cas says.

“I keep forgetting you can read my mind.”

Cas tilted his head, confused.

“Nothing, just…thanks Cas.” She says, smiling and continuing down the hall.

She got closer to her room. Seeing Sam walking out of her room.

“Hey, Y/N, come check this out. Tell me what you think.” He says.

She quickens her pace a tad, she peers into her room, seeing a string of star lights hanging on her ceiling. Her pictures on her new wall shelves. Pictures of her with Dean, Sam, and Cas.

Her bed, looking new with new covers that fit her personality with her favorite color. She had a smile plastered on her face.

She had a small bookshelf with all of her old books she had. Her desk with her laptop. Her TV in the corner of her room, perfect view from her bed. Her Xbox console, DVD player and Apple TV. She felt like she was at home.

“I love this, thank you guys so much.”

“I’m glad you like it. Dean’s getting pizza, and we’re close to watching a marathon of movies that Cas bought.”

“How many did he buy?”

“Just…a lot.”

Oh god. She thought while stifling a laugh with a snort.

The bunker doors opened and shut.

“Dinner’s on!” Dean shouted.

“Dean it’s almost 2 in the afternoon!” Y/N giggled.

She seen him walk around the corner of the hall seeing him walking with a tall stack of pizza.

“Holy shit, what!?”

“Okay, Dean, that’s too much food.” Sam says.

“Think about leftovers dude.”

They shrugged, eh, true.

“Alright, to the Dean cave, lets get this party started.”

Y/N giggled. She felt fuzzy inside, whatever they’re doing. It’s working.

Dean sat the pizzas along the bar. Y/N even noticed some added furniture. Some adult sized bean bag chairs.

Dean had paper plates ready, sodas, beer, and another table with snacks and more sodas ready for after their lunch slash supper.

She picked the adult sized bean bag chair, Sam and Cas had the two lazy boy recliners; Dean picked the other bean bag chair. The movie Cas popped in, one of her personal favorites. Thor Ragnarök.

But once she saw Loki, her chest felt heavy. He looked like her ex. Dean saw her face drop.

Getting up with his plate, he joined her. She snuggled against him.

“Sweetheart, what’s wrong? Wasn’t this your favorite movie?”

“It is, it’s just. Loki looks like him.”

“But is Loki him?”

“Well, no.”

“There you have it. Loki is not him. Loki is Loki. Not James.”

She nodded, continued to eat, and watch the movie.

“Anyone want seconds?” Sam asked.

Everyone practically held their plates up. Sam chuckling.

She felt tons better than she did when she first got here.

She doesn’t miss him. She only wishes him well. She does hope that one day she’ll be ready to try again but maybe hopefully she finds someone who is more willing to trust her.

She snuggles against Dean, his arm around her, holding her close. Making her feel safe. Making her feel okay.

She felt him kiss atop her head.

Maybe there is still hope. Maybe she should go for the obvious.

~

A/N: Kind of back, still on hiatus but how’d you like it? It is loosely based on my actual break up, the texts were the actual texts I received and sent to him. But please be patient with me, I’m still feeling a tad off. I’m sure I’ll post spastically when I’m okay again.

~

Dean Tags:

@pandazombie69, @akshi8278, @luci-in-trenchcoats, @supernatural-jackles, @becs-bunker, @mlovesstories, @jankles-blog, @flamencodiva, @anotherspnfanfic, @megzdoodle, @misfit0118, @shawnie74, @lyarr24, @missmemoire09, @racetrackheart, @spnbaby-67​

~

Copying and reposting someone else’s content is plagiarism and illegal. This work is property of supernaturallyobsessedchic. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. These works contain material protected under International and Federal Copyright Laws and Treaties. Any unauthorized reprint or use of this material is prohibited. No part of these works may be reproduced in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system without express written permission from the author / publisher. An electronic reference link to the original posted work may be provided for purposes of promotion or assistance of publication by the readers discretion, if proper credits are given to the author in the re-post. 5/31/2021

[blackvelvetwriteson]

𝐋𝐀𝐓𝐄 𝐃𝐀𝐘𝐒: 𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐏𝐓𝐄𝐑 𝐓𝐖𝐎

                                                           (  ~ Kirishima Eijirou x Female                                                                          Reader Insert ~ )

GENRE: Smut and Fluffy Fluff! (Mostly Fluff!) 

PREVIOUS CHAPTER: Late Days Chap1                                                  

FANDOM: Boku No Hero Academia (My Hero Academia)

TRIGGER WARNINGS: SLIGHT SMUT! 

SUMMARY: Just a continuation of the last chapter!

WORD COUNT: 2367

(Headers are mine, but the art inside of them are not! Please don’t steal or repost without credit!)

    It'd been a month and half since yours and Eijiro's little game of pleasing yourselves on the phone with each other.

    Granted you felt a little better, you weren't as sad because he wasn't too busy to talk to you. He called you every night after class and he made sure you ate and drank water, with the help of Dadzawa.

    You'd always tell him about your stories, you felt good enough to study and Aizawa let you retake the quiz; you got a B+ on it. Still not the best but it was better than a whole D- so you weren't complaining.

   It was the middle of the night and you were stirring a little, though his voice from your guys's nightly call resonated in your head, his lovely voice reassuring you that he wasn't too busy to talk to you, he do anything to just be tangled in your embrace, his work stories, and helping to console you, telling you how much he loved you before you both hung up for the night.

   He also gifted you with a video call whenever he could; he offered you four video calls and each time he looked more handsome than the last.

   Your soft puffs of air filled the space around you as Kirishima's keys jingled faintly. You didn't notice because you're a heavy sleeper and he didn't tell you he'd be able to come home for the next few weeks. He probably could foreshadow you staying up all night just to see him.

   He smiled as he watched you sleeping, his usually spiky cardinal colored hair resting just above his shoulders, his spikes limp. He loosened up his tie and didn't bother to switch out of the formal white button up, his slacks, and he didn't even take his tie off.

   He unbuttoned a couple of buttons from the top of his shirt and he crawled in the bed behind you, his soothing voice chiming in your ear.    "I'm home, my love," he giggled softly and he kissed around your ear slowly and gently, just admiring your peaceful expression and feeling you squirm around sleepily still not waking up.

   He slipped one of his strong gentle arms under you and pulled you closer, his expression soft and sleepy, his vermillion eyes sparkling, his lips lightly glazed over with some chapstick he'd picked up on his way to you, and his cheeks and the tip of his nose painted a pretty pinkish hue.

   He rested his head next to yours just listening to how peaceful you slept, his hand that was under you traveling up to your head, gently running his fingers through your hair and massaging your body.

   You both peacefully slept for a couple of hours until you jolted awake, snapping up immediately, gasping for air, choking to get air down too quick. You gripped your neck and broke down in tears not yet noticing Eijiro laying next to you.

   He woke up after hearing you choking and he looked up at you worriedly, sitting up and placing his hand on your lower back.

   You look at him with wide eyes and jump into his arms immediately melting into a blushing, crying mess and he holds you tight, holding you close to him, giggling softly and rubbing your back.

   "EIJIRO! W-When d-did you come back?!"   "A couple of hours ago," he chimed in that sexy, raspy sleepy voice of his.    "I wanted to surprise you in the morning... You had another nightmare... Did you get those meds that you needed?"

   "Uh... No... I couldn't... They'd make me drowsy in class and we did training a few weeks ago.. I couldn't risk it.." You were semi telling the truth, playing with your hair a little.

   "Aizawa Sensei wouldn't have minded, Pebble," he whispered quietly.    "Besides.. That's never stopped you before... What else is up? Do they make you sick? Depressed? Wha-"

   "I can't afford them," you said, ashamed with your head hanging.

   He lifted your head, cupping both of your cheeks in his muscular hands, his soft skin heating up under your burning cheeks and he kissed your forehead gently.    "Where do you get them? I'll get them for you."

   You checked your phone and your eyes looked even more sleepy.    "Ei, it's 3 in the morning."

   "I didn't ask," he said kindly. "I asked where you get your medication from."

   You looked into his eyes before giving in and you huffed quietly. "There's this pharmacy downtown... Booth 7 all the way at the very end right next to the staff's cafeteria... You look through the pamphlet and you sign off on the thing... It's something fancy but the description next to it says something like... Melatonin spiked... Or something like that.. I c-can't remember..."

   He listened intently, his jaw flexing a little as he did so, hearing your voice making his heart skip many beats, his eyes sparkling with every word you spoke as he lingered onto your voice. "It's okay baby, I remember what your package looks like so I'll go get them at 7 when the pharmacy opens up, okay?"

  "E-Ei.." You started only to be interrupted and shut up with a gentle, tender, passionate kiss from Kirishima, his eyes locked on yours until he slowly closed them and you followed suit.   "Don't Ei me... I'll do anything to make sure my little pebble is happy... AND healthy."

   The sunlight was barely peeking in through the windows as he crawled over you slowly, your eyes a little pleading as he held himself over you, his chest pressing into yours, your breathing shaky as his stayed soft and even. Red shades blanketed his face as he stared down at you, your eyes widening a little as he smiled at you, that sweet, gentle, caring smile. That smile he uses when he's proud but also when he's caring. That smile... That smile that you couldn't get enough of.

   "They don't call you Red Riot for no reason," you joked feeling your stomach turning as you poked his cheeks, his smile only growing as he pressed his hands into your sides.      "I don't mind that too much," he smirked a little as he leaned in, whispering in a hoarse, husky tone against your lips.      "As long as you let me be your hero... Your Red Riot, then I don't care about anybody else, he whispered softly before crushing his words into a deep, passionate kiss.

   You couldn't help but to snake your hand up the nape of his neck, biting his lip gently as he pushed a quiet moan into the kiss, holding your waist and pushing himself closer; you could feel his growing excitement against you as he grinded subtly into you, his eyes opening again, becoming pleading as his skin ached for your touch- any contact he could get he drank up instantly.

    "Please," he whimpered out softly. He continued to grind against you slowly and gently, the sleepiness in his voice and in his eyes reflected yours only you were scared to go back to sleep, even though he was sitting right next to you now, you'd be tangled in his arms, you'd feel his warmth and his muscles pressed against your body that seemed frail in comparison.

   You pulled him closer, loving his whimpering and pleading as you ran your fingers through his hair slowly and gently, his lax, unspiked hair resting just in front of his eyes, your hearts both beating rhythmically as you stared at each other, taking every detail about each other in having been so far away from each other for so long and suddenly you got sad when the realization hit you.

                                    He'd have to leave again soon.    You teared up a little and just clung to him, your legs wrapping around his waist tightly, your face buried in the crook of his neck, your eyes squeezed shut as you held onto him and listen to his sweet tone chiming in your ears.

   "What is it baby," he said quietly, his muscles flexing ever so slightly as he held you, nuzzling into you, stroking the back of your head as you welled up with emotions.

   You knew how bad he wanted to be a hero, how badly he'd wanted to follow his idol Crimson Riot, how hard he trained, how late he'd stay up training and getting stronger strictly to achieve his dream. How hard he'd studied. How far away from his comfort zone he'd strayed in hopes of becoming a hero... Even if he wasn't number one and you feared that you were getting in the way. You felt that if you weren't in the picture he'd be even farther and you'd be better off by leaving him alone.      "Nothing," you lied and he turned so that you were on top of him, looking into your eyes, sighing softly.

   "Don't lie to me (y/n). I know you too well."

    His tone, sweet and gentle and loving... It sent you over the edge and you sighed softly, sitting up, straddling his lap and wiping your eyes.    "I just wanna be good enough," you said quietly, holding back tears.

   "What do you mean," he said quietly.    "You're more than good enough.. You're amazing... You're quite possibly the best thing to happen to me thus far," he said softly, kissing your forehead gently as you bury your head in his chest and start crying quietly.

   He doesn't catch on until he feels your tears on his chest and he bites his lip a little, his arms snaking around your waist and pulling you against him more.    "Let's work through it," he said in a soft, caring whisper. He frequently said that when you were overwhelmed, sad, anxious or otherwise and you were about to tune out.

  "I'm sorry.. Ei... I just feel so selfish because I don't want you to go back! I'm so need and dependent on you.. I don't like being apart... I feel like I'm in the way! You work so hard and study so hard and just... You're out here doing hero work and I want to be right beside you all the time! I want to get stronger so I'm not in the way! I want to be right next to you to fight while you continue your progress!"

   It'd been obvious how long you were carrying this burden with you judging by your expression when you sat up and looked down at him, wiping your eyes as you felt him underneath you.

  His eyes widened a little as he stared up at you.   "Pebble," he said softly, sitting up, his back against your headboard as he held you, his strong arms squeezing you a little, one of his hands travelling to the back of your head pulling you into him.   "You're not in the way or weak or anything like that. It's okay to feel dependent on me, I love it actually. I love feeling wanted. Feeling needed by the love of my life. We've been together for awhile now actually," he said quietly.     "I'm never growing tired of you... Never wanting to leave your side. I love you so much, baby," he said quietly as he kissed your temple.

         How genuine he sounded... How lovingly he held you and looked at you.          His gentle caresses. You knew in that moment that one day you'd get married and there was nothing you wanted more. Every time something like this happened, he was always there. Always right next to you, working it out.                  He knew how you felt and didn't invalidate your feelings.                                   He took such good care of you.  He always came to you even when he wasn't feeling as manly as he wanted to.        He always made time for you and made you feel special and worth it.    You looked up and you saw that precious, closed eye smile he always gave     you, poking his cheeks and smiling at you and your heart skipped a beat.

   "If you're struggling, let me know. I want to help you. We'll be at the top together! We can both be number one!" He gave his soft, adorable, slightly squeaky giggle and you couldn't help but to smile.

    "I just need my meds," you said softly.     "And to be by you... Can I maybe... Go with you next time you leave..."

  He was clearly taken aback by the question, his smile growing wider as he blushed and clung to you, massaging your back gently.    "Yes! I'll help you get the proper paperwork down and we can go together! We can schedule online lessons with Aizawa too! We won't be behind, we'll be doing hero work.... And most importantly, we'd be together," he said softly as he pressed soft kisses into your lips.

One

       Then two

                   Two melted into four

                                              Four melted into eight

                                                                              Then he held the ninth kiss, his tongue gently wiping over your bottom lip as you gasp softly.

   You whimpered a little, staring into his eyes before his soft, cherry colored eyes closed and his hands held you at your waist and pulled you closer.

    It was those soft, gently, slight, subtle mannerisms that made you even more in love with him, the way those soft vermillion eyes of his lingered on yours for just a moment too long, the way that he'd always listen to your every word, lagging in response just to hear your voice and really revel in it, the way his muscles flexed around you when he was getting more protective, whether he realized it or not, the way his bangs fell in his face, the way his eyes narrowed out when he was mad; everything about him that he didn't notice about himself really... It drove you insane.

    "I love you, Eijiro," you said quietly as you pulled away from the kiss, your warm breath dancing on his lips gently, his breathing hitching a little as he ran his hands up your back.

 "I love you too, (y/n)," he said in that same tone, resting his head on your chest just listening to your heartbeat.

[saundraswriting]

Need Some TLC Chapter 5: Groceries

SUMMARY: Steve and Bucky decide to step in for your health and a third conspirator joins the ranks

WARNINGS:None

Masterlist // Previous // Next

You stood looking at your front door for a moment or two before smiling and shaking you head. Glancing around, you noticed that your kitchen was clean, but the living room needed tidying up and the bathroom, your bedroom and laundry needed finished. "No time like the present." You muttered to yourself, deciding the living room would be a good start and quickest, you got to work. You straightened the throw blankets and small pillows and cushions. the knick-knacks were organized and DVD's were put away, in their proper cases. you bagged up all the trash and recycling and moved on to the next room.

Laundry was started once more, the bathroom scrubbed and you changed your sheets in your room. You cleaned up the dirty clothes in your room, both you not scrub hamper and scrub hamper, and gathered the old dishes and long-dismissed wrappers and protein shake bottles. You put away all the laundry in your clean laundry basket and dusted your hands off. "Done! That's it!" You cheered to yourself. You transferred laundry once more and got a few things ready for work and meals for the next few days. The clock read 8:00 PM. You had near 20 hours until you had to go back to work again, and your apartment was clean and safe and welcoming again, not the pigsty it was hours ago.

'Watch a movie? or Settle in early?' You thought to yourself. As you looked between your TV and bedroom door a buzz in your pocket distracted you.

'You still up for a pizza and a documentary? We don't want to impose.'  The text was sent by a known contact with the name "Bucky". You changed it to Sgt. Barnes. You thought about it and after everything that had happened today, the walls that had come down and the fire and finally being off, you realized you wanted company. 'Yeah, I can go to bed once we are done. Won't be too much later than usual.' You thought.

'Yeah. Come on over! Both of you, you have a key.' You texted him back.

"I nor Steve would abuse this privilege. We won't use our keys willy-nilly."Sargent Barnes replied.

'I only meant that you could let yourselves in. I know you won't abuse it. Jeez, didn't mean to offend your delicate sensibilities.' You send your message with a few smiles to not offend.

'I will be no more offended than you when I tell you that we already have pizza and am currently trying to get into your apartment.'  He replied.

 'Confident?'  you texted back.

"Yeah, a little. Can we watch and ocean documentary? With Attenborough? Please?" Sargent Barnes asked pushing his way through the door, keys slipping into his pocket.

"Yeah, I have a Blue Planet on Blu-Ray and with my TV it is almost like being there. Where did you learn to text? Not to bad Sargent." You sassed at him grabbing plates and cups on the counter, Sargent Barnes brought over the pizza while Captain Rogers looked for Blue Planet in your expansive collection.

I love this documentary. I just turned it on this morning when I got home to listen to, but I fell asleep too quick. Also after dinner cause it late-ish and I want to get a good night's rest, I am going to take my sleep aides. Just some melatonin. I want to be ready for my next stretch." You told the men in your living room. Captain Rogers and Sargent Barnes looked at you, brows furrowed and lips pursed.

"More meds? Is that a good idea?" Captain Rogers paused loading the first disc.

"Melatonin is naturally produced, I am only boosting my supply a little bit. The Advil will help with the sore legs and back I am sure to get. I want to relax cause I have some aide shifts coming up. I always hurt more after aide shifts." The three of you settled with your pizza and drinks.

"Aide work? What is that?" Sargent Barnes asked.

"Yeah, I am a registered nurse. But my job includes helping the aides-or rather patient care techs as they are called now-but sometimes there are not enough aides scheduled for a shift, usually the evening shift, and I will fill in. Aides or PCT's help with the activities of daily living, toileting and dressing and rehab and bandage changing and the like. I personally like doing both jobs cause it makes me appreciate what they do more and help connect with my patients on a deeper level." You explained. Not many nurses shared you opinion, thinking aides and PCT's were below them, they didn't realize that many programs and curriculums required clinical hours before and during the programs to be accepted. Most aides and PCT's were nurses-in-training.

"Oh. So with the short-staffing you really have to do everything huh? That is insane." Captain Rogers' awe was heard in his tone.

"Nope, When I go in for a nursing shift, I have 26 Patients and my 2-5 aides can have 13-15 patients. Also it builds up aide/nurse loyalty and report. You all know what each others knows and needs to keep track off and become a better team for it, give better care for it. It makes me better and them better." You were firm in your opinion, eyes lit with a determination and fire the men did not often see. They could tell this is a fight you have fought before.

"Does not everyone agree with you? That all makes prefect sense to me and Steve. Why would people not agree?" Bucky asked, hesitant.

"NO! They don't. I have too many aides and nurses come through my unit with this...this...chip on their shoulder. Like they are owed something for picking this job. We all work shitty hours and weekends and holidays. We all miss birthdays and parties and recitals. No one is missed for that, especially in healthcare. I don't get how you can go through schooling and testing and lectures and labs and still come out of this expecting something that you won't get. How can you start this career without knowing what you are getting into? Or staying in this field knowing what it is? You are to help people, They don't want to be here any more than you do. I'm sorry, we get paid well but not that well that the money can overcome the cancelled dates and missed appointments." You were ranting wildly, hands waving and hair flying. Bucky and Steve were in total agreement. They did share a look of confusion and empathy, they were unware of your temper that was hidden under all the pleasantness. You noticed and calmed down significantly. "I'm sorry, that was uncalled for. I was ranting. You can start the show. if you need anything, help yourself." You shimmied down deeper into the couch, eyes blinking blearily at the TV.

"No! it is fine. I like seeing you open up to us. You are in the right. We get it too, not like we have great hours either." Captain Rogers said. You blinked at him and smiled. "If you fall asleep we'll close up for you. Okay?" He said it like a question but you knew it was a statement. The men turned their focus to the documentary and knew that for now, you had lost their attention.

You only paid half attention to the program. The warmth of your blanket and apartment, the relief in having it clean and the silent company of people in a shared space lulled you quickly to a fugue state. Partially formed thoughts swept across your mind but disappeared before they fully formed. Thoughts about your schedule and patients; should you make more meals? The fear of a missed alarm pulled you to awareness enough to check you phone.

Minutes passed. The episode ended. Another one started. You still stare unseeingly into the TV, blinks and breaths slowing and lengthening. The calm narration and soft spoken comments from your friends easing your muscles even more.

You fall asleep between one breath and the next, succumbing to you body's demands with one last thought about packing a lunch for tomorrow.

"Bucky looked over to see you curled up on the couch, quiet and still-pardon your rhythmic breathing. "She's asleep. Finally. I am going to put her to bed in a little bit. She needs to sleep. I looked in her fridge, she didn't have much. What little bit she had, she probably meal-prepped it. She neglects herself too much." Bucky said. He was so worried, over the time of knowing them they'd seen your weight drop and skin pale.

"I don't know. We could order some groceries. Have them delivered using Tony's service? I can handle him afterwards. You can cook like a pro, we can freeze it and meal prep for her." Steve suggested. He saw Bucky's hesitance. He shook his head and sighed. "Buck. Please do it. I know for certain she wants someone who will take care of her, and you want someone to take care of. She has been alone too long. You can change that. I will handle Tony. I told you earlier, do something, do anything. This is both." Steve continued.

Bucky smirked knowingly. "You'll handle Tony alright. You tell me to move but you freeze every time he comes near you." Bucky lost his smirk. "I guess this is something I can do for her." Bucky picked up his phone and put a call into the grocery service that stocked the Avengers' Tower and Compound and their private places. They took calls at all times to accommodate their unusual clients. He ordered tons of meats and veggies, pasta, dairy products, deli things, and junk foods too. He ordered and ordered and ordered. He wanted enough to make enough food for three meals and two snacks for two weeks. He also ordered plastic containers for all the meals and freezer. He billed Tony and gave the address for Your apartment.

"They said in an hour, they pulled everyone together that was available to make it happen so quickly. I am going to put her to bed that way she doesn't wake up. Then we are going to make her food. and a lot of it. Hopefully it will last for two weeks if not it should be a good start." Bucky addressed Steve but was looking at you. Eyes lightly brushed over your figure worried his gaze would wake you.

"Very well. Let's finish what we started. Go, take your girl to bed." Steve waved his hand in the direction of your room, seeing Buck blush out off the corner of his eye.

Bucky didn't-couldn't-answer to busy trying gently to pick you up and carry you to bed. He maneuvered the corners careful to not bump your head or feet. You didn't even twitch as he laid you on your bed under the covers, glad you already seemed to be in pajamas.

Upon returning to the living room Bucky saw Steve hunched over his phone shoulders tense and cheeks pink. Bucky rolled his eyes in silence, for all his advice Steve was just as nervous when it came to one Anthony Edward Stark-Iron Man. "Make a move, punk. Any move. Isn't that what you told me?" Bucky commented from the other end of the couch. Steve refused to give Bucky the satisfaction of seeing him flinch.

"I always give good advice, but very seldom follow it. I can't make a move on Tony. That is ridiculous. I will admire from afar, that's all I am allowed this time. Besides Tony isn't impressed by me in any sense." Steve was matter-of-fact in his words, a weariness hung around his shoulders.

"Then you are dumber than advertised. Tony is in love with you as you are in love with him. Just do something." With that Bucky left Steve to stew and played the documentary once more. Bucky watched and Steve split his attention between the TV and his phone for the next 45 minutes.

When a light knock sounded on the newly replaced door, Bucky and Steve went on alert. They silently paced to the door, avoided casting a shadow underneath. Bucky pulled a knife from his boot and Steve shook his hands before clenching them into fists. Anyone who wanted to get through to you would have to go through them.

"Delivery for Stark? Grocery delivery." Bucky looked at Steve and shrugged. They could take anyone. Bucky opened the door for the three men that had dollies full of groceries. And Tony Stark.

"Tony? What are you doing here?" Bucky asked while he and Steve moved to help unload the bags. After the dollies were emptied twice each then men bid their goodbyes and left.

"Well you did just bill me almost 500 dollars worth of groceries not 3 days after your last order. Steve told me it was for a friend, and I became intrigued." Tony spoke to Bucky but his eye kept flicking to Steve every other word.

"Her name is Y/N. She is a nurse. Lately she has been putting in too many hours. She is...amazing. She checks in and bakes for us sometimes. She constantly is working on bringing us up to date." Steve said, soft and fond. "We spend a lot of time with her when we are home. She understands what we do and likes us in spite of that. She is family." Tony froze upon hearing Steve talk about you so warmly. The fondness he had for you froze Tony's breath in his chest. He saw the ease in which Bucky and Steve moved through your apartment, Tony almost flinched but withheld. Bucky saw the hopelessness on his face and stepped closer.

"Tony. No. Please." Bucky murmured in his ear. Speaking louder he continued. "Y/N came home today and we hear her talking through the wall about sleep aides and next thing we know the fire alarm is going off and we had to break down her door cause she was sleeping through it. After fixing it and making lunch and her napping, I was griping at Steve who was teasing me, so I ordered this to help her. I wanted to take care of her, cause she doesn't take care of herself." Bucky had seen the thoughts forming in Tony's mind that you were Steve's girl leaving no room for Tony in Steve's heart. Bucky knew those thoughts had to be derailed instantly.

"Yeah, she is our only non-Avenger friend. She is alone and needed someone in her life. Today proved that. I am just glad we were home. I worry about her day and night. She works too much and to the point of illness. I gave her a key today so she had a place to go since she denied having F.R.I.D.A.Y. installed in here. It was the only way she would accept help, she refuses to burden others with her needs." Bucky continued. He could tell as Tony's shoulder relaxed and smiled softened he was successful in his mission.

Steve and Bucky moved about this stranger's apartment like they lived there themselves. Steve was putting groceries away as Bucky began to trim chicken to be frozen. It was strange, seeing these two giant men creep around your things to not disturb you, trying to do what they could to help what little family they had. "Steve can you grab the skillet? and grill pan? I will cook up some burgers and chicken and freeze them to be quicker meals." Bucky asked.

"Here and here. I am working on scalloped potatoes, they should freeze well. I will work on some salad mixes too. We can vacuum seal them to keep longer." Steve said, handing over the pans while looking for the peeler. Tony felt out of the loop but wanted to help this person who had helped his people.

"Does she have a steamer? I can help with steaming some veggies. We can make and freeze whole meals." Tony offered. Bucky looked up and smiled, thankfulness shining in his eyes. Bucky nodded and jerked his chin to a pantry. Tony went and set it up and began cleaning fruit and veggies. "I can make some fruit salad, won't keep well but I can make a small batch. We would look at high protein meals with low carbs and sugar. She is a nurse? She needed long term energy. We can freeze some fruit like pineapple and blueberries and grapes. They taste good frozen. she can snack on them too." Tony suggested. Bucky nodded emphatically. "You are right, Tony, snack are a great idea." Bucky's tension seemed to lessen with Tony's participation.

Tony picked up his phone and made a quick call, putting it down quickly. "I just called in another rush order. If we are going to do this, then we will do this right." Tony started working on cauliflower and broccoli.

"Tony, no. This isn't necessa-" Bucky started. Tony cut him off before he could finish "If she is your family, she is mine. I am more than glad to help." Bucky other took a quick breath and sent a small smile Tony's way. "Quick, we need to keep moving. I want this done before she wakes up." Bucky said.

The three men did just that. Bucky cooked chicken, burger, steak, pork, sausage. He froze it raw and froze it cooked. Bucky dated and labeled everything, even using up what little was in your freezer already. Steve made several casseroles to be frozen and labeled. Tony made his veggies and fruits and snacks and divided them up for easy access. He did freeze some bags with directions for smoothies, for the days when food would be too much effort.  They also kept some food in the fridge for easy grab and go for the next five days, hopefully they made enough food for her.

"Thank you both. I am glad she will wake up to see that this was done for her. She may just come to understand that she is cared for. Let's clean up and then we can hit the hay." He clapped Steve on his back and pulled Tony in for a hug. "Thank you especially Tony. For everything. Oh, and, remember he has loved and lost one already." Bucky pulled away, nothing on his face giving away what he had shared. Bucky looked around and saw your lunchbox and packed a well-balanced lunch and then some before scrawling a quick note and putting it on the fridge. 'We did as you asked and made ourselves at home. Steve, Tony and I took care of lunches for you and groceries. Everything is dated and labeled. If you have questions, call me. See you soon. ~xo Bucky.'

He then helped clean up their mess and shooed Steve and Tony out the door. Bucky made one last lap to ensure everything was off, cleaned and put away. He walked down towards your room and paused, fingers brushing the doorknob. "Go in, chicken." Bucky demanded himself. He crept in and watched you sleep for a small moment. Gathering his courage, he leaned down and pressed a soft kiss to your cheek and again on your forehead. "Good night, my darling. Rest well." He whispered against your skin. He left your room. He left your apartment. He used his key to double check the lock.

Bucky headed to his room and laid down, ignoring Tony and Steve's smug looks. Bucky listened to you faint breathing as he relaxed. Minutes later he was asleep.

Masterlist // Previous // Next

******************************************************************************************* Okay! That is the last update I have ready. Now, I actually have to type everything out. This is going to be fun! I have a Criminal Minds fic that I also have to post on here but should I have it typed out? It is awfully long...I will ruminate on this. Thanks for the support!

[overstimulatethis]

Schlaflose Vögel: Chapter 1 [Pharmercy fanfic]

Fandom: Overwatch

Pairing: Pharmercy

Rating: M

Summary: Angela doesn't need to sleep very much. Fareeha, on the other hand, isn't getting nearly enough. Caught between her duty as a doctor and her feelings for the Egyptian captain, Angela has to navigate her new role within Overwatch and her loneliness, while Fareeha struggles with a secret (or two) that could cause a lot of grief to the people she cares about.

Chapter: 1/2 (Next)

~

Angela rarely slept. It wasn’t a worrisome thing; her body simply required less sleep because of the nanites she’d developed. Combined with the fact that she desperately needed the extra time to complete her work during the day, she actually had a slight distaste for sleeping. Because of this, though, Angela often found herself with a lot of quiet time around the Watchpoint.  

For instance, it was almost 0500, and Angela was already showered, caffeinated, and working through the day’s research. She’d been sitting in complete silence in the med bay for over half an hour, and was expecting it to continue for at least another two hours. If she were being honest with herself (and she usually wasn’t, with these things), it got lonely sometimes. But, again, she didn’t usually entertain those thoughts.

Angela was truly surprised when Athena announced Captain Fareeha Amari was entering, not even at 0530. She tried to ignore the strange blip in her chest. It occurred every time the captain showed up, and it was becoming a nuisance. Before the recall, the last time Angela had seen Fareeha Amari had been when she wasn’t even 21, the young Egyptian a mere 16. When Jack had first informed her a year ago that Fareeha would be joining the unofficially-reformed Overwatch’s ranks, Angela had not expected… well, Fareeha.

She should have known better, looking back; she remembered the Amari daughter as a rambunctious girl, anxious to follow Ana’s and Overwatch’s footsteps and protect the world. However, there couldn’t have been any way for Angela to not be surprised by the tall, built, frankly-gorgeous woman she had grown into.

And here she was, surprised yet again, though not for a very good reason. When Fareeha walked through the med bay doors, Angela was taken aback by the captain’s appearance. Her normally-radiant skin was now dulled. There were unmistakable bags hanging dark under her eyes. If she was being excruciatingly honest, Angela also got the sense that Fareeha hadn’t showered in at least a few days.

As her training helped her to cover up the strange emotions Fareeha brought out in her, so it did with keeping her reaction to herself. Instead of frowning in concern, she smiled brightly at Fareeha and waved for her to sit on the examining table.

“Well, good morning, Captain,” she greeted, smile kept in place as she adopted a teasing tone. “You’re here a bit early for your appointment, aren’t you?” By about three hours, if Angela remembered correctly.

Fareeha’s brow furrowed before a stream of words came out in a rushed breath. “My apologies, Doctor—I didn’t mean to be an inconvenience—I didn’t even think—I was awake already, so I thought—I’ll come back later.” She stood very suddenly and stiffly, in the perfect soldier’s form, excepting the way she avoided Angela’s eyes.

It was admittedly strange to see the captain so… out of it, for lack of a better phrase. She was definitely sleep-deprived, if the dazed look in her eyes meant anything. It was concerning, to say the least—not only as Fareeha’s doctor, but as… a friend?

(When Angela had first joined Overwatch, she had made sure to keep everything professional. She was barely an adult, yet had been treated as one for years already. She was Overwatch’s primary care physician first, and she couldn’t let feelings get in the way. Now, though… if Overwatch was to be different this time around, maybe Angela could change along with it?)

Angela quickly stepped forward to keep the taller woman from leaving the med bay. She softened her smile. “You can call me Angela, and you’re no inconvenience, Captain. You were my first appointment of the day, in any case.” She tried to brush past the failed ice-breaker. “Please, sit, and we’ll get you taken care of. We’re just here for a routine checkup, is that correct?”

It took Fareeha a moment before she moved to sit again, slowly nodding as she did so. She still wouldn’t quite meet Angela’s gaze. It seemed to the doctor that even the tattoo (that familiar, yet distinct tattoo) under Fareeha’s eye was faded with exhaustion. Once she was settled, Angela set to work.

“How have you been feeling lately, Captain? Any complaints?” she asked smoothly as she powered up the bio-scanner. As she input the necessary information to take Fareeha’s vitals accurately, she waited for an answer, but none came. Angela looked back over to see the captain with a faraway look in her drooping eyes. “Captain?”

Fareeha shook her head, as if to clear it, and her eyes focused back on the doctor. “Fareeha,” she said.

Angela couldn’t help the raised eyebrow she gave in reply. Nonetheless, she instructed the bio-scanner to proceed as she said, “I’m sorry?”

Fareeha shook her head again, her eyebrows furrowing the same way they had earlier. “No, I’m sorry. You can call me Fareeha, and, um….” She ran a hand back through her unwashed hair—a nervous habit Angela had only witnessed a few times in the past year. “I haven’t been able to get to sleep very easily, lately.” She quickly dropped her hand, remembering that she wasn’t supposed to move while the bio-scanner looked her over.

Angela made a small, neutral hum as she waited for the machine to process the data scan, trying not to give away the fact that she’d suspected correctly. “How long has this been happening?” she asked after quickly analyzing the results. The captain’s blood pressure was a bit on the high side, for her healthiness. There were other signs that also indicated that Fareeha hadn’t slept in... at least two weeks? That couldn’t be right.

“About a month, now,” Fareeha hesitantly replied. By the way her eyes widened afterwards, Angela assumed that she hadn’t quite succeeded in keeping the shock from her face, this time.

Angela leaned against her desk, giving the other woman her full attention. She fought to make her face more neutral before speaking. “What happens when you can’t sleep?”

Fareeha looked away again, passing her hand through her hair once more. “I get… tense. I can’t get comfortable, no matter what I try, and my mind is just….” She squeezed her eyes shut and let out a frustrated breath. “It’s constantly racing. By the time I’m exhausted enough to fall asleep, it is morning.”

Angela’s chest ached. She held her breath as she watched her own hand reach out—almost of its own volition—and land on Fareeha’s wrist. “What’s going through your mind that keeps you up? Is there anything you’d like to talk about, Fareeha?” Sensing the captain’s hesitation, she continued quickly. “I’m not just saying this as your doctor or therapist. I can just be a… friend.” There was that word again.

Fareeha was studying her with such an intense look that Angela almost had to look away. She forced herself to stay still, though, for some reason determined to show the captain that she was there for her. After a very long moment, Fareeha broke the gaze.

“Thank you, Angela. I appreciate it. But it is nothing in particular—just racing thoughts about anything and everything.”

She was lying, Angela was positive. She didn’t really know how to proceed, though. It was a clear rejection of her offer—should she push, as her doctor? Or respect her privacy, as her friend? And this was with ignoring those other feelings….

“Fareeha, I don’t want to push, but I can’t truly help you if I don’t have the full picture,” is what is ended up saying. She figured it was a compromise between both of her stances.

The sound that escaped Fareeha next nearly broke her heart. Caught between a sardonic laugh and a sob, she said, “God, Angela, I can’t even begin to explain how much I wish I could tell you.” As she curled her fingers in her hair, tears started escaping. Before Angela realized what she was doing, she lifted her other hand to wipe tears away from the udjat with her thumb.

It wasn’t until she met Fareeha’s wide-eyed gaze that she snapped her hand away. Taking a step back as smoothly as she could, she cleared her throat. “If you ever change your mind, the offer is always open.” As soon as the words left her mouth, she cringed—combined her with her embarrassment over the too-soft touches, it sounded like too much of a proposition to her. “If you ever need an ear, or a shoulder, or a licensed physician and psychologist,” she recovered lightly with a smile, “don’t hesitate.”

Fareeha swallowed, cleared her throat, and then smiled in return. “Thank you, Angela. I appreciate it.”

Angela allowed herself to bask in the glow of the captain’s smile for only a moment before forcing herself back into doctor mode. “For now, I can give you some nonaddictive sleeping supplements to take; they’re mostly melatonin, but the nanites have improved its effectiveness. In about 90 percent of cases, patients see results the first night. Is that something you would like to try?”

When Fareeha nodded, Angela turned to a cabinet by her desk. She entered the passcode and prescription information on the screen next to the cabinet door, and a labeled bottle popped out with two weeks’ worth of supplements. She walked back over to Fareeha and handed her the bottle. “Take two tonight, right when you get into bed, and come see me in the morning so we can discuss its results.”

Fareeha nodded, glancing over the label. “Yes, ma’am,” she replied. Angela was happy to see a small smile still remaining on the captain’s face.

“Might I also suggest you take the night for yourself? There is a spa next to the gym that is impeccably clean and yet hardly used, if ever. Why don’t you take a trip to the hot tub for about fifteen minutes and try to relax before bed?” Angela started to file away the results of Fareeha’s scan as she talked, since nothing else had been cause for alarm.

Fareeha laughed. “I have no time for relaxation, Angela. I don’t believe anyone on base does.”

Angela shook her head. “Everyone on this base could do with a bit of downtime. It’s not good for their health to be working nonstop.”

“Everyone, including you?”

Angela looked up to see Fareeha with a smirk and an eyebrow raised in her direction. She breathed out a chuckle. “I am the only exception, actually. My body literally does not need as much sleep or relaxation as the rest of the team.”

Fareeha’s eyebrows dropped to create a crease between them. “It does not mean you shouldn’t take a break simply because you don’t need to. How about this…” She stood up from the examination table and pocketed the medicine. Angela gulped as the captain was suddenly closer once more, now hovering five inches over her. “I will visit the hot tub tonight, if you join me.”

Angela knew her face was on fire immediately, but she could not move her eyes from Fareeha’s. The captain’s smile widened into that open grin that always took Angela’s breath away, even if she didn’t want to admit it. Verdammt noch mal, even with stringy hair and tired eyes, Fareeha Amari was stunning.

What was happening, though? Was Fareeha flirting with her? Or was this her accepting the friendship she’d offered, albeit in a different way than Angela had been expecting?

“Okay.” Scheisse. Her body was seemingly not her own around Fareeha. But she couldn’t regret it, since that smile shone even brighter in response.

“Let’s say we meet there at 2300?”

It was still a bit later than the doctor in her wanted for Fareeha, but she could use the extra time to finish some work, anyway. She agreed, and then Fareeha was leaving the med bay.

She didn’t realize that she’d frozen stock-still until Athena spoke to her. “Doctor Ziegler, you have not moved in ten consecutive minutes. Do you require assistance?”

Angela shook herself out of her daze. “No, Athena, I’m quite fine. Thank you, though.”

She returned to her seat at her desk, picking up Fareeha’s file and staring at her name. What had she gotten herself into?

(Next)

[loquaciousquark]

Hey, all, I’m probably not going to be around much for a few months aside from queues & TM posts.

Work stress has taken over my life in a way it never has before. A very long story short, my closest coworker (both friend-wise and workload-wise) took another job that began at the end of April. While she knew from November she was going to take this job, she did not inform administration until the very final contractual required moment of 30 days out. This means there has been no chance for admin to be looking for long-term qualified candidates to replace her position, since to get hired on at the school even on a temporary faculty basis takes about six-eight weeks.

(She told me about this job in November, but made me promise at the time not to tell anyone because she was going to tell them soon. Then, as schedules were being planned out for this summer and her time was being allotted under the assumption she would be there, she deliberately said nothing and made me answer the emails so she wouldn’t be “lying.” I have known this hell has been coming for me for five months and haven’t been able to do anything about it because I gave her my word.)

In addition, while not her fault, three other administrative support employees and two other faculty members have left/will be leaving in less than a month as well. One employee’s family member died unexpectedly, one employee was grossly incompetent (although I can’t remember the last time we actually fired someone for that), and the other faculty members are leaving for really good jobs elsewhere. Just very unfortunate timing that means we are all spread excruciatingly thin for now.

This all comes at a time where I am actively beginning that Service Director position for the primary care clinic on top of everything else. This position, while I think a great fit for me, what else I teach in the school, and how I plan/organize/relate to the students, has come at a terrible time because it in and of itself is a massive amount of work, especially getting it off the ground. If I’m going to implement all these new policies and changes I’ve been dreaming of for years, I need to do it at the beginning of my tenure--to try and keep everything going the way it has been and change later once everything calms down would be infinitely more work at that time & have a bunch more pushback from both the students and the faculty I now lead as part of this clinic, many of which have decades of seniority on me.

I’m doing the work of two-and-a-half full-time faculty right now. I do still really love this job, but right now I can’t handle it.

I’m grinding my teeth at night and clenching my jaw during the day. My dentist suddenly wants me to get a bite plate when before a few months ago, I’d never ground my teeth in my life. I’m getting excruciating stress/tension headaches almost every other day from how tight every muscle of my face and neck is. I’ve gained over ten pounds in the last two months from eating like crap because anything that requires more than two steps of prep is mentally, physically, and emotionally impossible, which has the added effect of making me want to cry every time I look in a mirror and see my stomach so far away from my mental “normal,” because I was already seven pounds or so more than I wanted to be. I’m only getting three or four hours of sleep a night despite melatonin because my mind is just reciting checklist after checklist of things I need to do to keep all my sudden responsibilities on track.

I saw my psychiatrist today (which in and of itself was overwhelming--I thought until I was leaving for the appointment that today was my annual physical, and it wasn’t until I was checking the auto-filled address that I realized it was in the wrong building for that. Turns out I’d independently scheduled both the psych follow-up & the physical within a few days of each other, and I’d missed the text appointment reminders for the physical because the psych ones were more recent. I have never straight up no-showed an appointment in my life before this.)

I only had about thirty minutes with her, but part of the problem is that I haven’t taken my meds regularly in over a month because even such a little thing was too difficult. I’m going to try to start back on that, but...

I told her it doesn’t feel like I’m trying to keep plates spinning in the air. It feels like I have them all under control at the moment, they’re just excruciatingly heavy. The only way I’ve been handling this sudden pressure of doing basically two and a half jobs with no margin for error in any of them is being ruthlessly, relentlessly organized. Which is fine, except that I can feel how that changes my personality when I have to go so hard and regimented, and I hate how it feels to have both no margin and no grace.

I had a student the other day email me about a flight she booked for a Memorial Day vacation at 6pm on a Friday, not thinking about how clinic does not always end on the dot at 5pm. We (both students and faculty) are required to stay until the patient’s exam is complete. Sometimes that’s at five. Sometimes that’s at 6:30. On rare occasions I’ve stayed until 9pm in clinical care because that’s what was needed at the time for that patient.

She wanted to get out of clinic with an excused absence. We require three weeks’ minimum notice because when a student leaves without coverage, we have to reschedule all the patients they were meant to see. Her schedule was fully booked, and I had to say no, because right now I have nothing left to try to find an alternative for her. I hate saying no to students, especially when it’s something I truly could help them solve with some investment on my part, but right now--I’m sorry, but I can’t. Why on earth did you schedule a flight for 6pm on a day you have clinic until 5, especially when the airport is a 20-minute drive from the school even without traffic? I can’t fix this for you, not right now. You have to show up to clinic or find your own coverage. I don’t care how you do it, but someone has to be there, and I don’t have anything left in me to help you figure out how to do it.

My mom listens to a guy who sometimes talks about how you have to have a margin in your life to manage your stress. A margin in your work helps you enjoy your leisure time; if you don’t have that margin, even scheduled play feels stressful because you have work playing through your head the whole time.

I’m out of margin. I’m ten feet over the line in every direction I’m so out of margin, and I am constantly being asked by students and other faculty, “How are you doing now that the person who you shared 90% of your work life with is gone? Who’s going to help take over [year-long highly-intensive Methods course] now that Dr. So-and-So is gone? Who’s going to help you teach it since we all know what a gigantic course it is and how it’s always required two people to run full-time, and now you’re down to one who’s also taken on a bunch of other responsibilities at the exact same time?”

and they’re laughing when they say it. and i’m laughing when i tell them the truth, which is “no one.” and we all laugh together and inside my head i am ripping apart under the pressure.

Even if they hire someone by August, it’s not going to mean any relief until September due to onboarding, and even then it won’t be what I really need. This woman I worked with and I had both taught this course together for years, and before that we’d both taken it as students. We knew how it ran inside and out. We knew what the responsibilities were. We had the workload divided evenly and didn’t have to consult over every decision that was made--it just got done. Even if they do hire someone at lightning speed, I still have to train them. I have to show them where the group drive is on the faculty intranet. I have to teach them how it’s organized. I have to show them how to upload quizzes and how to grade them and how to edit the Excel practical documents and the timeframe we expect the grades back and why our grading standards are the way they are and what to say to guest graders and guest lab instructors and show them where the file folders are kept and where the .docx’s are kept and the way things are sorted and how the tests are written and how to extensively edit a PDF file and give them the contact information for faculty IT support (which still ends up being me half the time) and the manual printer and the woman who orders office supplies and the woman who orders clinical equipment and the man who orders building maintenance supplies and when you go to one and not the other and how electronic testing works and how to grade it and how to upload a document with all the specific little requirements the program wants to make sure it imports correctly and how to deal with the errors this program will inevitably throw back because it’s niche software for a niche school and that means it’ll never be user friendly.

It took me almost two years to really feel comfortable being co-coursemaster for this course because it is so unbelievably massive. Even if they hire someone by August, I still won’t have a full-time coursemaster pulling their weight until 2021.

The other metaphor I used with my psychiatrist is that I’m holding on to a cliff’s edge with my fingertips. Right now, I’ve got a pretty decent grip, but that doesn’t change the fact that if you put another pound on my back it might pull me right off the rock.

I don’t see practical relief coming any time soon. “What can we do to help? We want you to know you are very supported right now. You let us know what you need.” What can you do? Hire someone tomorrow who already knows how our computer system works, who can troubleshoot their own IT, who can look at a list of tasks that need to happen to get this Methods course fully ready every single semester of every single year and do them without any handholding from me. Hire someone with as much attention to detail as I’ve had to have because it’s the right way to do the damn job. Hire someone I won’t have to clean up after because to them “the cart in the closet” is the same thing as “the specific place on the labeled closet shelf where the equipment belongs.”

I’m clenching my teeth so hard they’re hurting, so I guess I have to stop. If you see me in-game somewhere, believe me, it’s not because I’ve caught up. It’s because I haven’t and I can’t bear thinking about how much I still have to do.

[marblemuffin]

Idk if this helps but I often buy melatonin gummies and take one before I go to sleep every night. Never fails to knock me out.

I've actually tried taking melatonin pills before and they never did much for me. I've started trying other kinds of over-the-counter meds and cbd oil but they only seem to work some of the time. And even if I manage to get to sleep early I still end up waking up in the middle of the night unable to fall back asleep a lot of the time.

[musingsofazumbamind]

9 Tips for 9 Days Out: The Road to #zincon2019

Treat these 9 tips with a caveat of “if you want to”... these all have purpose for me but may not be the right “to do list” for you.

1. Do they know you’re leaving?

Tell or remind colleagues at work and your boss which days you will be gone

Call your bank and credit card companies, who may already know from your purchasing habits that you will be taking a trip but the clarity is important. You really did buy that costume including the bow and arrow set on the same day you bought a flight to Orlando.

Remind your significant other, children and dog that you will be going away for a few days and it’s important!

2. Fill a bunch of buckets now!

Give 200% in your classes, they are going to miss you while you are gone!

Remember and specifically pay into the Love Language of your significant other or most needy friend. Are they Words of Affirmation, Gifts, Quality Time, Physical Touch or Acts of Service? 

Get in the pool with the kids! Do the fancy box braids now! Try the science experiment that came as a gift for Christmas. Treat the kids as a priority before you prepare for ZinCon, especially if you are a parent who “never does this”.

3. Consider your transportation.

Flight, train, bus all set?

Need an app to get around Orlando, like Lyft or Uber? Download it now.

Take a look at who is helping you get from the airport to the hotel. I suggest Mike or Patrizio, they also take you to a grocery store before the hotel, their contact information is in the files of the Official ZinCon Group on Facebook. (Did you already join the official Zincon Facebook group?!?!)

Take a look at who is dropping you at the airport and bringing you back home, sore and exhausted. Consider how you might remind them gently now that they are doing this, and think of how you will thank them when the time comes.

Will your transportation accommodate you buying food at a grocery store, or will you buy fresh items from the Walgreens across the street or the Publix about a mile away?

4. This week is the time to print!

Tickets or itinerary for flight

Confirmation for the hotel or other fun you will be having in Orlando

When the registration email comes, print your barcode and session handouts

Make a copy of your ID or passport for the front pocket of your checked luggage, just in case it gets lost

Pre-Convention or Post-Convention party tickets

5. Let’s talk about our health…

Refill necessary prescriptions

Bringing your c-pap machine to sleep (or other necessary medical devices)? Replace the tubes and face mask cover now.

Something aching? Call your doctor or nurse on call to ask questions. Questions over the phone are free!

Make necessary appointments, especially if you need to make them for medicine refills

6. Make THE LIST and start packing. You will need at least one, large, functional and wheeled piece of luggage.

With printed #zincon itinerary in hand, treat each segment of the day as a reminder of what you will need. Each session, masterclass, training or party will need:

A dry outfit meant for movement (I have 9 segments not including Fitness Concert and Theme Party, so I pack 9 outfits and buy 1 outfit at the Zumbawear store)

Socks (if I pack this way for my particular schedule I end up having 10 pairs)

Underwear (if I pack this way for my particular schedule I end up with 12)

Appropriate shoes (I pack 2 different fitness shoes for session, 1 functional sandal/between sessions shoe, 1 nice but comfortable pair of dressy sandals for the afterparty

Accessories (i.e. soca sessions ask you to bring a bandana or flag; #jamjunkies like bringing highlighters to the sessions; Theme Night will need all the layers and fun items for your costume)

A way to carry small items, especially at the Fitness Concert where backpacks are not permitted. I use a hip belt for running that fits along my waistline. Some folks have a wrist pouch for just their room key. Or yes, invest in a fanny pack that you only use 1 night a year!

Having the play-by-play of what those 4-5 days will include will give you a sense of space in your luggage. You may want to leave room to purchase those daily outfits or shoes at Convention, especially if your costume (including a wig or wings or crossbow that takes up space) can be thrown out or left in the room. I always leave space for the one outfit I will buy and wear at Convention.

I know folks who hand wash some of their belongings and drip dry them at night to make room in their luggage. Maybe ask your roommates if they mind you doing this as it takes up space.

Leave room for what you know you need to purchase. Things like:

Souvenirs for your people and/or pets

Clothing or items from the Zumbawear store. Not just for yourself-- some folks might send you on a specific mission to buy what comes out that week! You may want to check the outlet store for giveaway items for folks in your classes. 

If you aren’t comfortable traveling with a certain something, just know it will cost at least 50% more in Florida. (I ALWAYS pack my sunscreen but some folks don’t like doing that for fear it might explode in flight. My favorite brand costs $24 in the hotel store, so it just makes sense to bring it for me.)

Many folks like ZJ Ria from Michigan and ZJ Court from Arizona pack each segment in its own gallon sized Ziploc bag and mark it with the day and session where it will be worn.

I always make my carry-on the “One Happy Day in Florida Bag”. It holds my small purse with a credit card, medicine, makeup, ID, a swimsuit, fitness shoes, socks, underwear, reading material and my phone and phone charger and I ALWAYS wear Zumbawear on the plane. It’s a conversation starter for sure! I feel like I could purchase, or have help from Home Office, for anything not packed in that bag.

7. Outside of your daily packing for Zincon itself, take a look at what you need to THRIVE. I pretend I’m living in my normal day for that.

Vitamins & meds

Water Bottle

Deodorant, light-smelling body spray, body wipes

Shampoo, conditioner, dry shampoo

Toothbrush, toothpaste, floss

Hair brush, comb

Flat iron, bobby pins

Makeup

Sunscreen, hat if you want more coverage from the sun

Fiber, tums, ibuprofen

Functional shoes like running sneakers or athletic sandals for wearing between sessions

Shoe inserts or toe separators, whatever brace your ankle needs while you sleep (if you use them, definitely keep using them at Convention!)

Backpack (if you use the one we all get in our free swag, be sure to label it very specifically as yours--bandana on the loop, giant tassels, loud key chains)

One sweatshirt or light jacket -- the OCCC is the coldest building in all of Florida, especially when you’re sweaty!

Notebook & pen or some other organizational system like your ipad or a binder and markers

Pajamas

Something from home to help you sleep. Melatonin? Your diffuser? A pic of your family? A stuffed animal? A symbol of your faith for stillness and meditation? Every day will be exhausting in the best way, and although your body will say “SLEEP” your brain may still be racing.

Swimsuit

Sunglasses

Chargers and devices, I especially like wearing a Fitbit at Convention but I have actually forgotten the charging brick. The step counts are insane! Get ready!

One non-athletic outfit. At some point a sundress or a t-shirt and shorts will feel really nice!

*Note* If you are heading to a club at any point, maybe the pre- or post-convention party, consider non-athletic wear especially where you feel confident and comfortable. Many clubs will not allow you in if you are wearing Zumbawear.

8. Consider all your plug items or devices. Ask yourself the following questions:

If I LOVE to take pictures, which device will do that and does it have the space for 1,000 pictures? If not, start deleting and backing up as necessary.

Do I need batteries for what I’m bringing and do I have those batteries? Think of your white noise machine, your electric toothbrush, your portable hair crimper…

Is this something I need to THRIVE for only 4-5 days of a fitness convention? 

Is a roommate already bringing something on this required list? Some roommates plan each “required” item--one friend brings the blender, one the K-cup coffee maker, one the mega box of K-cups and one the flat irons.

*Note* You can look online to see what your hotel includes. Some already have small coffee makers, hair dryers, a fridge, toiletries and irons.

9. And now, time to recover! Wait, what?

Convention is a whirlwind, a neon-filled Disney for the happiest and most passionate fitness instructors in the world. What will you need to start each day, end each night, with positive intentions?

Foam roller

Essential oils

Ice packs

Yoga mat

Emu oil, Biofreeze, Tiger Balm, Icy Hot or other topical creams

STRETCH now, especially your neck, and get it ready for looking upward at tall stages or getting “Apeshit” in the Beyonce session. Stretch each night at Zincon before bed and again in the morning if you can. There are also mindfulness or yoga opportunities in the mornings before sessions start--check your badge for the location.

ICE and be smart now, because whatever aches today will ache exponentially in Florida.

FINISH what’s hanging, like your Theme Night costume, the puzzle on your coffee table, the giant project for work or those haircuts for your kids. The less on that reality To Do List, the more open your brain will feel for Zincon.

REST and RESET now, as you can, because learning, loving, hugging, smiling, listening, moving and feeling all deplete your emotional and physical stores. But also, learning, loving, hugging, smiling, listening, moving and feeling will refill your quality of instruction and energy for the rest of the year. It’s absolutely worth it!!

See you soon, #zinmembers!!

[rhenal]

Hello again

Wow, it’s been a year now since i last posted anything here. I’m still alive, if anyone is still here at all to care. Um. Last post I did was about the status of my mental health, so I guess a follow-up would be prudent, no?

So now it’s official. I have both Aspergers and ADHD. I thought it was just ADD, but no. The hyperactivity aspect is something I very much have. It’s just that it doesn’t manifest physically - it simply manifests mentally in that my mind is always everywhere at once - that my train of thought manifests more like a puppy on its first snow day than like an actual train.

I’ve been on antidepressants for 13 months now, but I’ve only really felt any real effect from them for the last month and a half as I finally got to change med type. The first type barely helped and gave me nightmares two nights out of three, but those things were small and irrelevant enough for me to it really bring it up until now. Because for all that time, I have been searching for and adjusting to ADHD meds as well, and you only want to sort through one set of side-effects at a time. Turns out I’m really sensitive to side effects, so finding the right type and dosage took a long time, and I’m not certain that the one I’m on now is the best choice still. 

I’m still on full-time sick leave for burnout, since February 14th last year. Currently it will last until the end of August, then we’ll reevaluate from there. Hopefully I can start studying again by that point, if only at 50%.

Turns out, it takes a really long time to recover from a bout of burnout that has had five entire years of buildup. 

So what am I doing now? Mostly just being useless. Restless but without the energy to do anything about it. I barely eat these days, and my sleep cycle is just completely nonexistent. See, in large part due to aforementioned double-whammy of Aspergers and ADHD, my capacity for self discipline is basically nil. With me being on sick leave, I have nothing that forces me to get up and do stuff. There is no reason other than my own health to get up in the morning.

Add to that the fact that both my current antidepressants and my ADHD meds lower my appetite. I do not get hungry anymore. I just get tremors in the late afternoon when I’ve forgotten to eat all day. I can go entire days where I am never ever hungry, and when I finally manage to make something to eat and force myself to just eat it dammit, I can barely get half the meal down.

My doctor has actually advised me to eat small snacks through the entire day to make up for it. You know, the thing that you’re usually heavily discouraged from doing? :’)

In conclusion, my daily life is kinda shit. I’m doing what I can to get better at it all, even going to group therapy every week, but it feels like a Sisyphean effort. 

I’m too burnt out to study or work, but without study or work, I can’t really recover properly. It’s one real bastard of a catch 22.

I’d move back home, but that’s not really an option. Not now that the family’s got a much smaller apartment. I’d have to live on the couch, in a living room with no possible way of real privacy. And I’m an introvert. I am really fortunate to have a family as loving and supportive as I do, and I love them dearly - but I NEED my space. When I went there over the winter holidays, just those two and a half weeks I was there was enough to suck me completely dry of energy. 

If anyone has any advice, I’d love to hear them. Because I need them desperately.

So well. That’s where I am now. 

[garbling thought-vomit about social issues and the failings of tumblr as a community below. Probably best ignored.]

So, why’d I disappear from Tumblr? Should be obvious. The state of my mental health is bad enough without having to deal with the constant anxiety of dealing with this social network. The nonexistence of nuance and the total intolerance of anything even remotely problematic. And the idea that if you like anything that has any problematic aspects in it at all, that means YOU are problematic and are to be ashamed.

It’s actually a really hostile environment for creatives. 

The pressure to be perfect and totally 100% inclusive at all times with not a nanometer’s space for human error or honest mistakes, the attitude that ‘if you’re not perfect 100% of the time always you are EVIL AND BAD AND SHALL BE SHUNNED FOREVERMORE’. 

The attitude a lot of Tumblr seem to have that the only things you are ever allowed to write or otherwise portray are essentially self-portraits because if you haven’t personally experienced it you should never ever write it ever. Kinda makes it impossible to even try to do properly inclusive work for fear of getting even a single minute detail wrong. It’s actually really really fucking hostile and I hate hate hate it. Like, I keep seeing creators of all kinds - writers, artists, cartoonists, animators and game devs alike try their very hardest to make something as inclusive and culturally diverse as they can, only to be rewarded with heaps upon heaps of abuse from Tumblr users just because they weren’t 100% perfect in every single aspect, or that their efforts were seen as ‘virtue signaling’ and are only doing it to make themselves look good and that is false and sin and to be PUNISHED.

It’s like the reward for trying your best to make something that everyone can enjoy without feeling left out is only hate and vitriol. 

(All the while creators who do not care about inclusivity at all get perhaps but a mere fraction of this abuse, I might add. It’s pretty fucking insane when you think about it.)

It’s suffocating.

And it’s total fucking bullshit.

People make mistakes. 

People change. 

And people can absolutely grow from those mistakes and be better. 

But Tumblr as a community keeps fostering this attitude that if you have ever said or done anything even remotely wrong on any level, regardless of the context or how long ago it was or how much better you have grown to be since then, once an uninformed or unthinking statement - accidental or not - always a racist. Or homophobe. Or transphobe. Or ableist. Or any kind of -ist or -phobe imaginable.

I’ve been very fortunate to not really have had to endure any witch-hunt personally, but I saw them happen all the time. And it just. Well. I got really fucking tired of it, and it further worsened my mental health by quite a lot. I just cared too much that I couldn’t stop ranting about it in my head. Sometimes for days.

So I left.

Why am I back? Honestly, I have no idea. I guess I still have a lot of thoughts about things and I’ve been really isolated this last year, so I just need a place where I can put them.

I intend to go on a bit of a purge of the blogs I follow and start with a zero-tolerance policy for witch-hunting bullcrap and other drama. 

See, I have a pretty simple, straightforward moral code. It’s often difficult to follow, due to the human brain working as it does with it’s shitty, garbage, garbage ‘us vs them’ mentality, but it is something I intend do always strive for.

No one should ever be judged for that which they can not control

Ever. That includes the entire spectrum of skintones, every single possible gender identity, sexuality, romantical affiliation, neuropsychiatric status - normal or otherwise, physical condition, place of birth, state of family or culture they grew up in. Or anything else I can think of.

No one picks the toolbox they’re born with. All that should ever matter to anyone is what they build with it.

Fuck jokes about skin colour - ANY skin colour - it’s tacky and only serves to further strengthen the idea that they somehow make people fundamentally different, and that idea can get set on fire and shot into the sea. 

Yes, there are absolutely issues with the culture surrounding differences in levels of melatonin. White people like myself carry a lot of privilege in the west, and darker skinned people of all kinds absolutely do face a lot of unjust treatment in the world. No matter what country in the world you are in, that place’s “default” - how I detest that unfortunate consequence of the human brain functioning as it does - will always carry a strong privilege compared to those who do not fit that default.  But it’s all cultural. There’s nothing inherent in looking any certain way that dictates a person’t being. It’s all the norms and values of the culture they were raised in - and cultures change. It’s slow. It’s difficult. But it is absolutely a worthwhile struggle, is it not?

And, maybe a reasonable path to changing a culture to be more inclusive is to maybe not constantly call attention to such differences? Because that only strengthens the idea that the trait pointed out is ‘other’ - not part of the ‘normal’. 

And we want to widen the definition of normal to include all of us. Right? That’s pretty much this entire community’s mission statement, isn’t it?

I’m thinking that simply acting like a trait is normal, that it’s not something that’s even worth calling attention to, does a lot to normalise that trait. To help it be included within the definition of normal. 

Maybe I’m wrong. But I don’t think I am.

And then there’s the whole thing with white guilt/cultural shame or pride or any somesuch. I have thoughts. Probably pretty controversial thoughts. So I’m preparing myself for pitchforks.

Feeling shame or guilt over whatever hand you drew in the grand lottery of genetical happenstance is just really fucking stupid. That much should be thoroughly established by now. But the thing is, so is feeling pride, for the same reason. You did fuck all to affect what you got. The deeds of your ancestors have nothing whatsoever to do with you. 

You don’t get to choose your toolbox. You can only choose what to do with it.

It feels kind of weird to condemn cultural pride as a concept like this, but I do. I really honestly do. Because it’s dumb. Incredibly hard to drop, absolutely - most of us are fed with it since birth, after all - but it’s still dumb. I mean, what on earth did anyone do to earn the culture they grew up in? Nothing. Because it’s entirely out of your hands.

Treasure your culture, absolutely! Revel in it. Learn all you want and can and strive to carry it forth to the next generation, and to teach anyone who wishes to listen. Absolutely do! Take pride in your accomplishments. Take pride in what you do to carry your culture forth into the future. Take pride in what you help others accomplish. Take pride in what you do to raise public awareness of the reality of your culture. Or your sexuality. Or gender identity. Or any other aspect of your being that is being woefully misrepresented somewhere.  But don’t take pride in simply being what you are. 

Because that’s just part of the completely random toolbox you got at birth - a toolbox you could not have possibly chosen any part of.

Taking pride OR feeling shame over things that you had no hand in is something you have no right or reason to do.

Never judge anyone - not even yourself - by what they have. Judge only by what they DO with what they have.

These thoughts have all been spawned by my time on tumblr. It’s a community that wants to be progressive and inclusive, but is much too often anything but. It’s all complaining, all vitriol, all salt, all echo chambers fostering this kind of thinking. Very little, if any, actual attempts at working towards real improvement.

I remember seeing a comic that circulated some time ago. About equality vs equity. There were these three kids standing by a fence, trying to watch a game of some sport or another taking place at the other side. They were all different height. 

In the equality picture, all three kids got a box to stand on, of equal size.

In the equity picture, they got a different amount of boxes, making it so all of them could see over the fence.

But there was a third picture. One rarely included. 

This picture adressed the fence itself. It swapped the wooden fence to a wire fence. One that all three kinds could see the game through, without any need of boxes.

That’s the kind of world I’d much rather live in. One where the barrier itself is adressed. Where there is no need for boxes to stand on. 

Yet all anyone can really, truly do, is do as Michael Jackson said, and start with the man in the mirror.

We can complain. We can decry. We can wallow. But it’s all for naught if we don’t then step up and act on it.

I'm sick and tired of the ceaseless complaining without action and the oppressive feeling of helplessness fostered here. I want to actually DO something to help the world be better. And if I’m not in a position where I can help personally, I can at least reach out to those in a position to do so.

This is why I donate to charity whenever I can afford it, despite my miniscule budget of a university student on sick leave with a lot of medical fees.

This is why I endeavor to always smile to strangers, be they the retail worker at the checkout, a simple passerby or the cold beggar on the street.

This is why I am always eager to share what I know with people who may need it, be it pointers about mental health or simply how to patch up a torn pair of pants.

All minuscule, inconsequential acts in the grand scheme of things. But it’s something. It’s my small straw, pulled to the anthill. Makes me feel just a little tiny bit less helpless about all the terrible things in the world.

Because even if it’s something small, it’s better than doing nothing. Far better than simply complaining and wallowing about a problem without ever following it up with action.

I don’t even know what I’m on about anymore. I should probably stop writing. Get something to eat. Go to sleep. Bye for now, then.

[cantquitu]

(1) I know getting input from people on the internet who don't have the full context of your situation is annoying, but I have to ask if you've tried taking melatonin to help you sleep? I was diagnosed with insomnia as a teenager and I actually had to drop out of high school and get my GED (which I never imagined myself doing as I have always loved school) because my sleep deprivation was taking such a toll on me. I tried a million different meds from anti-anxiety to anti-psychotics to straight

(2) up sedatives, and nothing ever worked or at least not for long. Finally while I was at the hospital visiting someone else (who was ironically suffering from severe sleep deprivation) a specialist casually mentioned that he swears by melatonin. It had been recommended to me, but I figured that if the heavy duty stuff I had been prescribed didn’t do the trick, this definitely wouldn’t, but I tried it out of curiosity and I swear it changed my life. It’s the only thing I’ve ever taken that(3) actually regulates my sleep cycle, and for the the first time in my life I’m on a good schedule. I still have restless nights occasionally, but I average 7-9 hours and I generally fall asleep/wake up at the same time every day. You’re older than me so you’ve been dealing with insomnia longer and have probably tried this already, but I was really shocked that I was able to find something that actually worked and I figured it was worth it to mention on the off-chance you hadn’t tried it!

Oh wow, that’s amazing - I’m so glad that it has had such a positive effect for you, Anon!  Sounds like you suffered terribly with sleep deprivation. How wonderful that a harmless little hormone was more effective for you than all those chemicals. It really does sound life-changing.

I have taken melatonin - in fact I’m taking it this week - but generally only for jetlag. It’s not available easily in Europe because it’s regulated, but I make sure i stock up when I’m in the States. I honestly don’t know if it works for me or not…but I take it anyway to help with jetlag, just in case! A couple of years ago I did try taking it in a non jetlag situation for about a month when I was on vacation and after I came home. I was sleeping better, but that probably had more to do with the fact that i was on vacation.

What dosage do you take? I have no idea if I take too little or too much …I just buy the drugstore stuff.

Thank you for sharing!

[w0lfbr0thers]

its a date - evak drabble

note: this is a uni drabble that no one asked for where isak and even live across from each other and even has a movie blaring at 3 am and isak cant sleep - you’re welcome

+2.5K+ Words +Ch. 1/1

Isak wasn't one for sleeping very well on a school night - and now that he's started uni, it hasn't exactly smoothed itself a perfect path. Of course he had his sleep meds, but did they ever work? No. So Isak gave up on the idea of sleeping pills a long ass time ago and just tried to cope with draping his duvet over his head and screwing his eyes shut until he had to wake for his first lecture three or four hours later. A natural pattern, of course, and his roommates tried to help out as much as they could with melatonin supplements or different types of herbal teas but nothing worked. Plus, uni wasn't so welcoming with all these loud ass parties happening somewhere around campus and Isak was dying to go but this wasn't high school - he had to keep his priorities straight.

One night in particular is what set him into this whirlwind of sleeping but yet not sleeping, kind of in a daze but all because of a some cute boy but it wasn't in the way he ever would want to meet any cute boy - ever. He had a big physics test coming up and he had been lying in bed ever since he got home from his last lecture but just at the stroke of midnight, he heard blaring coming from somewhere on his level of dorms. He groaned, rolling his eyes and he tried to drown it out but it was some weird, Shakespearean shit and all Isak could gather was 'this person has to be a fucking poetry fanatic'. It went on for a while, and it seemed to increase in volume every time Isak would shut his eyes which was completely agony.

'This bud of love, by summer’s ripening breath, may prove a beauteous flower when next we meet.'

Isak rolled his eyes as how grossly worded this movie was, and just as it hit 3 am, Isak couldn't take it. He pulled on sweats and a hoodie, stormed across the flat and he threw open the door, heading into the halls that were still brightly lit and he limited down the rooms one by one by how loud the movie was and he finally figured out it was the one right across from his own. He groaned, stepping up to the door and banged his fist on the wooden frame, his jaw clenched as he waited for the culprit to open his damn door and give him an explanation. He raises his fist one more time to knock, but just before his hand hit the door it swung open and there stood the most beautiful, outstanding boy Isak had ever laid eyes on. He coughed nervously, dropping his hand as his heartbeat began strumming annoying fast as the boy raises an eyebrow, a questioning look on his face.

"Can I help you?" The boy asked and Isak almost melted at how smooth his voice was and how it sounded like a song as it filled his ears. Isak was annoyingly mesmerized and he crossed his arms, managing to keep a straight and agitated face as he looked up at the boy who seemed only a few years older than him.

"Yeah, could you maybe turn down your movie volume? It's like, three am, pal. People need their sleep," Isak mumbles, his eyebrows knitting together.

Surprisingly, the boy grins, tilting his head to the side in the cutest way and Isak just can't ignore it, "Oh, sorry. I have a theatre class and I have to watch Romeo and Juliet as an assignment. I didn't realize it was loud."

"How could you not realize how loud it was?" Isak scoffs, shaking his head in disbelief. "Why so fucking late to watch a damn movie when there's a book?"

The boy shrugs, "I've seen this movie probably a dozen times but I just enjoy it. The beautiful words - the story line - the tragic ending. It's beautiful. And, it's not really a book." He chuckles. "It's more of a collection of sonnets."

"A collection of what?" Isak asks, utterly confused.

"It's nothing. But, hey, you should join me to watch it sometime?" He offers, a smile tugging on the corner of his lips and Isak catches himself blushing as he looks down at his feet.

"Um. Maybe- I don't- maybe. Sounds nice and all, but I don't think I'm a big guy on- what did you call them? Sonnets. I'm more of a science guy."

"Makes sense, regarding your 'NASA' sweatshirt," the boy chuckles, the sound causing Isak to feel a fluttering sensation in his stomach.

"When's your last lecture today?" Isak asks quickly, a surge of confidence flowing through him as he stares at the cute boy who's standing in the door frame.

"16.35. You?"

"16.00," Isak allows himself a smile. "Meet me at kaffebrenneriet after and then we can head back here for the movie with coffee?"

"Sounds like a great plan," the boy says, extending a hand that Isak is more than willing to take into his own and shake it. "I'm Even."

"Isak."

"Isak, hm. Lovely name," Even comments and Isak feels his heart skip a few beats.

"Till tomorrow?"

Even nods, "Till tomorrow."

"Goodnight, just remember to keep the movie volume down?" Isak pokes one last time, turning to walk back to his own flat and just before he shuts the door behind him, he hears;

"Good night, good night! Parting is such sweet sorrow, that I shall say good night till it be morrow."

Isak allows himself a bittersweet smile as he closes his flat door, shuffling his way back into his bed and his body allows him a few extra special hours of sleep.

-

Isak flies through his physics test in a breeze, collecting a solid six on it which fills him with more happiness then what he was filled with when he woke up almost fully rested this morning due to the early morning events. He was about to go on an almost-date with the cutest guy he was sure was way out of his league but Isak was so willing to give it a try. As he said, he finished at 16.00 and pulled on his jacket, filled his school bag with his essentials he would need for his late night homework session, and headed to the coffee shop he and Even had agreed to meet at. He sat at a small table by the window, constantly looking up and down the street and was badgering by countless waitresses asking if he needed anything but he brushed him to the side, excusing that he was 'waiting for a friend' and the girls seemed to dwindle as the extra 35 minutes passed.

Finally, Isak's heart surges as he seems the familiar figure of the cute boy make his way down the street, and he instantly catches Isak's gaze and gives a wink as he passes the window, walking into the sweet and warm coffee shop, eagerly joining Isak at the table his eyes bright.

"You finally arrived, I began to worry you were going to ditch me," Isak pipes up, grinning as Even laughs and it's so warm that Isak's heart melts.

"I'm not that type of guy, no need to worry about that. Especially if I'm meeting up with a cute boy," Even grins. "Shall we get our coffee and head back to the dorms?"

Isak gives a small nod, getting up from the table and Even follows the notion, following him up to the counter where they both order a hot chocolate and head out into the bitter cold of November, the warm colors of fall surrounding them as they head back to the campus. They receive a few hellos and waves as they head up the stairs to the third floor of dorms and finally they made it to their section of the hallway. Even grinned, unlocking his flat door and they both entered, not speaking a word. They slipped off their shows in the small hallway and Isak followed Even through the rooms and they appeared to be alone which sent Isak into a panic - but in some sort of good way.

Even gestured to where they could lay their things, which was merely a chair but Isak didn't seem to mind. They shuffled through the flat and finally, Even opened the door to what Isak saw as some sort of paradise. He walked in, and was instantly welcomed with drawings plastering the walls and vinyl albums stacked all over, and a small acoustic guitar in the corner by the bed. Isak was in awe as he took in the surroundings and how just by Even's room how much it told him about him. Even watched him, his arms folded, as Isak made his way to the closet doors where dozens of drawings were taped askew across the doors.

"Did you draw these?" Isak asks after a while, unable to pull his eyes away from the magnificent artwork.

Even chuckles, walking further into the room, "I did. Do you like them?"

"They're amazing, wow," Isak admits, biting his lower lip. "You're a good artist."

"Tusen takk. I don't let many people see my drawings due to how personal they are to me, but-" Even shrugs, "-it's chill."

"Why are you letting me gawk at them, then?" Isak suddenly feels embarrassed as he turns to Even who is now setting up the movie on his TV.

"Because it's just you," Even shrugs. "I don't find you dangerous or anything. I find you sweet."

Isak's lips twitch up into a smile as he walks over to Even bed, "So, what should I expect with this movie?"

"Well, it is a tragedy so there might be some crying," Even tells him, smiling as he looks up at Isak's jumbled expression. "And it's the Leo DiCaprio version, which is the most beautiful."

"I doubt this movie will make me cry, but I guess we'll just have to see - and it's just Leonardo DiCaprio. Nothing special."

Even guffaws, "Leonardo DiCaprio is a man of artwork. And see we shall."

They situate themselves on Even's bed, and Isak being the shy boy he is leaves just a big of elbow space between them but he's aching to lean into Even and watch the movie while Even runs his hands through his hair and- no. Isak barely knows the guy, but he already seems half in love with him but then again he never gets the chance to see a cute boy and it's strange how he has never seen him around campus.

Isak gets drawn into the movie carefully, and Even can't help but glance at him from time to time to just see the lights from the TV dance in his beautiful, emerald green eyes and Even would give anything to just gaze into them for hours on end. The movie drones on, and Even barely pays attention to it and Isak can admit that even he stole a glance or two in Even's direction. Isak catches himself more into the movie than he thought and soon the ending credits are rolling and he finds himself turning tense as he feels Even's skin on his own, wiping away the warm tears that signify that he has been crying. Isak swallows, turning his head slowly in Even's hand to face him and he finds a soft, warm smile greeting him.

"Love is a smoke raised with the fume of sighs; being purged, a fire sparkling in lovers’ eyes; being vex’d a sea nourish’d with lovers’ tears," is all Even says and Isak is speechless as Even wipes away his stray tears and he blinks once. Twice. No, this isn't a dream. This is all real life and Isak can't believe it. Even removes his hand, dropping it in his lap and Isak yearns for his touch to return.

"I can't believe this movie made me cry," Isak sighs and his voice his quiet, low like a whisper.

"Was it too loud for you?" Even jokes and Isak can't help but roll his eyes but in a fond-like way.

"No, it was fine," Isak sniffles. "The movie was perfect."

Isak raises up a hand to his cheek, wiping away a few more tears and Even speaks again, quoting the tragedy one more time in a quiet, soft voice, "See how she leans her cheek upon her hand! O that I were a glove upon that hand, that I might touch that cheek!"

Isak doesn't say a word as he eases his hand away from his face, bringing it to Even's and his touch lingers for a few minutes before grasping his hand, enveloping it in both his hands as he brings it up to his cheek, placing Even's hand against his skin which sends rippling waves of shock through him and his skin is burning as Isak locks his eyes with Even's and he sees just how deep and blue they are and it puts Isak in what seems like a trance.

"I'm really glad that I got up the courage to ask you to turn down your movie," Isak says after a few short moments of silence.

"Why not?" Even asks, a smile playing his lips as he runs his thumb against the soft skin of Isak's cheek and he tucks a small strand of curly, blonde hair behind his ear.

"Because it led me to such a beautiful, soft spoken and sweet guy who has a soft spot for cheesy romance movies," Isak laughs softly, leaning into Even's touch just a bit more.

"Cheesy? Hva? No fucking way, romantic movies are the best. Some of them could use some work, yeah, but Baz Luhrmann makes the best romantic movies," Even pouts and Isak just raises an eyebrow, licking his lips.

"Baz Luhrmann, really?"

"Yes, really! Romeo and Juliet isn't his only masterpiece."

"How many other 'masterpieces' does he have?" Isak asks, allowing himself to move a bit closer to Even.

"Tell you what, let's make all those other movies a date," Even winks, giving Isak a smug look.

"A date? Seriously? You want to watch more movies with me?"

Even shrugs, "Why not?"

Isak bites his lip, considering the offer and he swears that Even can hear how loud his heartbeat is, "Sure. It's a date."

"Ah, finally! I succeeded."

"Succeeded? Succeeded in what?"

"Getting a date with cute curly boy," Even beams, reaching up his other hand to place on Isak's other cheek so he knows holds his face in his hands. "A dream come true."

"Since when did you set this goal?" Isak asks nervously, a bubbly feeling rising in his stomach.

"Since the first day I saw you at orientation," Even winks, letting his hands drop from Isak's face.

Isak feels his cheeks heat up and he finds himself looking down at his lap, a smile tugging at his lips, "Seriously?"

"Absolutely."

"Then it is, 100%, a date."

"Coffee tomorrow and we can get started on the movie dates?" Even offers as Isak rises from the bed, readying himself to head back to his own flat.

"Of course," Isak smiles, grabbing his jacket.

"Perfect."