#meanwhile we can end up in so much pain from it that we can't sit upright

[thethingything]

I hate that every so often we'll get excrutiating abdominal pain specifically on the right side, and it matches descriptions of appendicitis pain alarmingly well, and we'll start to panic, and then every single time it ends up being our IBS, but like every time we're like "what if this is the one time where it actually is serious" because I know how many times we've had something seriously wrong end up being left untreated for way too long because we couldn't tell how serious it was

[muqingslover]

[ I absolutely adore Caleb and recently I've entered my Zayne era so today I want to talk about their relationship. (not based on canon just the voices in my head) ]

Yes they might have their issues but I wouldn't say they outright hate each other's guts. I believe they would actually be really good friends if their feelings for you wasn't part of the equation. Their dynamic works out sooooo good for one another if it wasn't for the conflict of interest it actually pains me that we won't see them getting along GRAAAH Infold I beg of you give me content of them together

Like I've mentioned before I like to think that their beef is mostly one-sided which, to me, means Zayne would be the more "mature" of the pair. He has a naturally caring nature so despite being aware Caleb doesn't like him (and they're technically competing for your heart) he can't help but worry about him, especially because you care about him.

Each time boy wonder showed up with bruises and scratches from practice or some other endeavor Zayne would force him to sit down and let him take a look by using the argument of "Do you want them to worry? Then sit. I'll make it quick."

Another sweet thought is Zayne coming over after his classes and finding you and Caleb dozing off while studying together. He would cover both with a blanket and remove anything that could interfere with your or his sleep (music playing, turning off the TV, glasses ECT)

Meanwhile Caleb reads him better than anyone. He may complain about how Zayne is so "stone faced" the whole time, but he KNOWS exactly what he's thinking and feeling for most of the time without even really trying. It's a skill he picked up while growing up — He always paid so much attention to the details for your sake that at some point he ended up getting very good at reading people in general.

What this means you may ask? Well my lovelies, Caleb is much more confident in expressing himself and he knows how to refuse requests he feels uncomfortable with or simply don't want to do (safe it for when they're about/from you) but Zayne not always can do that. In fact, during his early years, he was absolutely terrible at it and guess who came to rescue? That's right, our boy wonder.

"Please Zayne, just cover for me one more time?"

'...Oh, alrig—"

"Whoa whoa hold your horses! Sub-Zero has plans with me so no can't do, man."

"We don't—"

"Shush. Grab your things, let's go!"

He tells himself it's only because if Zayne worked himself to death then you would be worried about him and Caleb doesn't want to share any more attention than what he already has to. It's true of course, but not the full truth.

Caleb will pick up where he can't fully express himself by understanding what he wants without words while Zayne will be the rock he could lean on even if he is too stubborn to admit he needs the support because he doesn't feel the need to be the "perfect gege" like when with you.

[ I will continue to push the Zayne and Caleb agenda so come along for the ride pookies 🤭 ]

[rootspiral]

I'm curious if you have anything more to say on the fight at the start of ep8 between Agatha and Rio. Like, about anything, the face acting, why this was Rio's last straw, why Agatha was surprised it was Rio's last straw.. Or just how good they looked lol.

Fuck, am I really going through these scenes to screencap them again? I guess I am. Let's pretend it's an extra deep dive.

Agatha has just left Lilia behind dealing with the Salem Seven. She was acting super casual and unbothered with Lilia, but as soon as the door of the iron maiden closed and Jen started screaming, she bolted. And she's running now and she looks terrified, but of what? The Salem Seven killing her? Or Rio catching up with her now that more bodies are dropping? Does she feel particularly guilty about Lilia's death, after seeing her display of incredible power and grace in the trial? All these things together probably, and whatever she's running from, here is her face when she sees Rio ↑

Then she has to close her eyes and steel herself like we've seen her do so many times, she was completely unfiltered a moment ago, terror showing plainly on her face, and now she's trying to regain control, but notice how it doesn't quite work: she's too shaken and her true feelings are still showing. Also heartbreaking and maddeningly stupid that she feels the need to hide and posture in front of Rio who is just begging for the opposite.

It's also interesting that Rio, as angry as she is, takes the time to tell Agatha that the Salem Seven are dead and she can relax and stop running – at least from them. Despite putting on her angry face, despite being determined to confront Agatha this time, she still wants to make things easier for her too. But it's no coincidence that she mentions Alice and Lilia, we saw her reap Alice's soul at the beginning of the episode, and right here? She just reaped Lilia. Like, that literally just happened. And it's obviously affecting her. Add to it the whole issue with Billy and Agatha's general behavior, is it any surprise that Rio is upset?

The finger pointing, the pursed lips and strained smile. "Here you are, breaking rules and breaking my heart again. And here I am, letting you do it like the fucking loser I am." I really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really like Aubrey Plaza's more subtle acting choices.

And the more she talks, the more Rio gets subdued. She stops acting menacing and scary and you can see vulnerability coming through. I know how you feel about him. I watch you just as close as you watch everyone else. This walk with another's woman son. This is Rio trying to keep it professional when it couldn't be more personal. She's hurt, she's jealous, she's lonely. Fuck, why can't Agatha acknowledge it?

Meanwhile Agatha is just fidgeting and grimacing and shaking and trying to deflect and run away from the conversation. Rio, even when she sets out to yell at Agatha, ends up trying to reach out and communicate and do the emotional work instead, she still wants this to work so much. Agatha won't let her. She won't move an inch.

You call what you did special treatment? Look at all that venom, dear lord. Here we have Rio practically begging Agatha to see things from her point of view, to at least try to understand. Agatha, in pure Agatha fashion, grabs her pain like a weapon and starts slashing. She's jealous of her pain, she protects it, she feeds it. It's what helped her survive. Carrying around those three swords in her heart is the only way she knows how to function, no matter how agonizing they are.

You know when a parent is trying to reason with a toddler, and they sit down at their little table and say stuff like, "I know that you're angry, but your words are making mommy sad," and the toddler inevitably throws a pen or yells or calls them names? And the parent just wants to slap that little shit, and it takes them a hot second to collect themselves? Yeah.

Unfortunately, despite her best efforts, Agatha is not a toddler and Rio shouldn't have to do this. It's undignified, it's unfair, it's too painful. Rio is supposed to be her partner, not a surrogate parent.

And Rio does collect herself, and she keeps trying. Look at her body language, she's leaning back, tentative, less intrusive. She did the same thing when she was trying to help Agnes, she pushed a little, and when Agnes recoiled she stepped back and regrouped. She's pretty much spoon-feeding Agatha at this point. "Okay, let's talk about the case" becomes "Okay, let's talk about Nicky. I know it's hard but I'm with you. One step at a time. I only need to figure out the best way to save you from yourself and then everything will be fine."

This is what Rio has been doing, watching Agatha and studying her, acting like a therapist, trying to ease her out of her pit of despair as Agatha yells and throws stuff at her. And what I find really poignant is that Rio is literally the physical embodiment of balance, but she's going against her very nature and putting Agatha before everything else, even herself. Rio loves Agatha that much. And it's wrong. It's not sustainable. No wonder Rio lashed out so spectacularly at the end of the episode, she needs to feel big after shrinking and shrinking and shrinking in front of Agatha.

And yes I still love that Rio the Agatha wrangler has managed to calm her enough to sit and talk. Defenses are tentatively lowered, Rio's plan for getting through that thick skull is going splendidly. Or not.

Agatha is not letting Rio have her way, not even for a second. She's going to make it as hard as she can. And like I said in my deep dives, despite all she is still expecting Rio to always come back, no matter how much shit she throws at her.

There is a lot to be said about the way Agatha is addicted to hurting people. It is an addiction, it's her main/only source of endorphins at this point. It makes her feel powerful and in control of the narrative. And it's a vicious circle, she punishes people so when they lash back she can go, "See? See? They hate me, I was right, I was justified!" Rio was only feeding that addiction by coming back over and over again to let herself be pushed around.

Hey, Agatha? You don't want Death to look like someone just kicked her in the stomach. You literally took her breath away, and not in the fun way.

You dumb fuck.

Wow, this is still really fun to do, despite it being maybe the two of them at their lowest.

You know what? If you guys want you can send some other scenes my way, especially from the first episodes because I didn't comb them that thoroughly. And Agatha's scenes in WandaVision too, I want to watch those again. But only one scene per ask, please.

[coyotelip]

starchaser microfic: nuts || @into-the-jeggyverse || wc: 638

“So how goes the honeymoon?” Sirius's voice on the phone is slightly interrupted by the poor connection, but unfortunately for Regulus, his words are understandable. 

“It would have been better if you hadn't reached me in the middle of the bloody ocean.” Regulus replies lazily, picking up another cashew nut from the platter next to his lounge chair. 

“Uh, what does Jamie do?” Regulus isn't surprised at all at how soon Sirius jumped to the topic of his beloved friend, it's even strange that it wasn't his first question.

“Why don't you ask him yourself?” 

“Well, he didn't answer my calls. I was starting to think that you are holding him prisoner for your sexual pleasures and want to break us up completely.” 

“Sounds like very accuratedescriptionof marriage, but, this is shocking to you, I didn't marry your best friend just for his huge d-” 

“Oh, stop it. Don't make me lie awake at night again with that horrible picture in my head. Better tell me how Italy is.” 

There's a splash of water and Regulus turns his head to see James climb out of the pool, ignore the towel and walk straight to Regulus, letting the water drip off him in heavy drops. 

“I don't know about Italy, but the ocean is... wet.” Regulus holds out his hand with the nut toward James, who has stopped at his feet. He bends down, a couple of cold drops falling on Reg's sun-warmed thighs, and the man wraps his lips around the nut and his fingers without breaking eye contact. 

“Oh, I wish I could be there, London is a pain in the ass right now with all this rain.” Sirius reminds Reg of himself on the phone. 

“Mmm.” 

Regulus's eyes are fixed on James's lips, and he doesn't let go of his fingers for a few seconds, but eventually the man releases them to ask, “Who's on the other side?” 

“Your ugly twin,” Regulus says with a smile, now running his free hand over the man's wet shoulders and hearing the unhappy exclamation on the other end of the phone.

“Oh, tell him I said hi,” the way James's smile has taken on a new bright glow at the mention of Sirius is a little annoying, but Regulus can't deny that he loves him to death even so. Regulus reaches for another nut so that he can touch James's lips again right now... not that he doesn't have every right to as his legal husband.

“James said hi,” he repeats into the phone, and meanwhile James sits on the edge of his lounge chair and strokes his bare legs with his wet hands, and his lips wrap around the nut and his fingers again.

“Ooooh, give him the phone, I miss him so much!” Sirius doesn't let him forget, but all Regulus' thoughts are now focused on the feel of wide palms on his lap and the seductive smile on James' lips.

“Argh, Sirius, I'm going to be honest. Right now I'm feeding your best friend nuts in a very homoerotic way and it's only a matter of time before we have gay sex right here on the lounger. If you're bored and miss him, I can keep you on the phone and do my best to keep his voice ringing in your ears, but I can't promise that it will be coherent words. The choice is yours.” Regulus is already in a sitting position and restrains himself from placing a deep, passionate kiss on James' lips. 

“Oh, bloody hell, you're going to drive me to my grave.” Sirius hangs up the phone without hesitation, knowing the rules of this game. Regulus always keeps his word. 

“All right,” Reg mutters under his breath, throwing the phone on the table and finally getting to the most important thing. 

[dr-spencer-reids-queen]

Corazón: Final Part

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Female!Reader

Word Count: ~1.8k

Warnings: canon violence, canon language, canon talk of death, methods of kill

Summary: Spencer's headaches get worse so he turns to medicine to figure out why he is having them. He doesn't take the news well. Meanwhile, you're dispatched to Miami when someone uses religion to justify his killings.

Season Six Masterlist

Author’s Note: I do not own anything from Criminal Minds. All credit goes to their respective owners. If there are any warnings that exceed the normal death/kills from the show, I will list them.

x

You feel waves of uncertainty come from upstairs so you head up there to see how Spencer is doing. You find him sitting on the bed and pressing his hands to his head.

"Spencer, do you need more medicine? I have a bottle with me."

"No, the first pill didn't help," he mutters.

The headaches seem to get worse, so much worse that Spencer is feeling suffocated in the clothes he's wearing. He snaps off his vest and tosses it to the side, and you kneel in front of him so he doesn't have to look up at you.

"Spencer, talk to me. Tell me what I can do." Spencer shakes his head and whimpers in pain. "Don't listen to Julio. This is why I don't like voodoo-witch crap. There are no ghosts in your head. If anything, they're all attached to me."

Spencer gets up without saying anything and looks out the window at the house with the broken chain-link fence. There is a picture on the nightstand of a family in front of the same house. Without a word, he leaves the room and sneaks past the rest of the team by using the back door. You quickly follow after him because you're worried about what's about to do.

"Spencer, where are you going?" you whisper.

He ignores you and walks over to the house that's been calling to him this entire time. You can't leave him alone to tell the rest of the team what he's doing so you have no choice but to follow him. There is no way you're ever going to have a repeat of what happened with Tobias Hankel.

Spencer pushes the fence door open and walks up the rickety porch steps. The place has been broken into so many times so there aren't any locks on the door. He opens the door and steps inside the dusty house.

"Spencer!"

He still doesn't listen to you, and you quietly jog after him. The house is very quiet, too quiet for your liking. There is a room at the back of the house with knocked-down walls. To cover the holes up, wooden slates have been nailed into them to make it seem like it's not falling apart. You walk to the boards and peer through the spaces to see Elian lying on the ground with his limbs tied together. Next to him is Julio with duct tape over his mouth. Both men are passed out.

"Spencer, we need to leave."

You turn to go but freeze when you're staring down the barrel of two guns. Professor Walker stands there with a sinister grin on his face.

"Yeah, but you can't. Get inside."

Walker shoves you both inside the room with the two men, and you see a ritual on the back end of the wall. You're trying really hard not to panic here.

"You're a Professor and you're very smart. You're a lot smarter than this," Spencer says.

"Smarter. Your gun, please. Toss it over there. Both of you."

You take out your gun and toss it to the side along with Spencer.

"It doesn't matter. People like you and I don't need guns."

"Like you and I?"

"Yeah. Men of intelligence."

"Oh, we're the same?"

Julio comes to and starts grunting in a panic, and you look down at him.

"Don't worry, Julio. Help is on the way." You don't see him coming otherwise you'd move out of the way. Walker hits you over the head with his gun, and you go crumbling to the ground. Spencer wants to go to you but he truly thinks Walker will start shooting. "I'm okay, Spencer."

"Stay down," Walker growls.

You look at Spencer and notice him wincing in pain from the increasing headaches. He tries not to show his pain but it's hard.

"I think that there are some similarities. I mean, uh, we both love books."

"Books?" Spencer's phone rings meaning the team knows you're both missing. Walker snatches Spencer's phone from him and throws it against the wall. Seconds later, your phone rings and Walker glares at you. "Get rid of it."

You have no choice but to throw the phone to the side where Spencer's is. Julio struggles and keeps grunting which pisses Walker off.

"You shut up. Shut up!"

"You know what?" Spencer gains Walker's attention. The second his eyes are off you, you scoot closer to Julio and try to undo his bindings. "I don't--I don't believe that you killed all these people just to sell a book."

"Oh, really? Elian will die of an overdose after killing his Santero for his fingers. It will all make sense to the police."

"How are you going to explain us?" Spencer asks about you two.

"Elian will have killed you two, too. Have we not established how ill he is? He's been on a Palo rampage. Everyone will want to learn about the religion that drove the boy crazy." Julio keeps grunting which makes Walker more unhinged. Walker turns to you two, and you move away from Julio to make it look like you're not helping him. "Will you shut up?!"

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but I don't believe that this is about a book." Walker turns back to Spencer and you resume your antics. "I don't think that you do, either."

"Excuse me?"

"I--I think it's more about the abuse, the abandonment, and the lack of attention from your father."

"That's enough," Walker growls.

"Spencer," you hiss but he ignores you.

"You know what the ridiculous thing is, is that you," Spencer laughs in pain, "you set up a paradigm where you actually have to get caught. Think about it. If you get away with this, your father will never know that you did any of it."

Spencer groans in pain and presses his palms into his eyes.

"What is wrong with you?"

"I'm sorry, it's just very bright in here for me. Please turn the lights off."

"Bright? What are you--" Julio keeps grunting and Spencer keeps wincing in pain. It's all too much for Walker. "Just shut up! Just shut up"

When Walker turns to you and Julio, Spencer grabs a pipe on the ground and swings it upon Walker's head. You immediately get up and grab your gun before pointing it at Walker. His guns fall out of his hand, so you kick them both away so he can't use them.

"Don't move," you growl.

The front door gets kicked open and you know your team is here to save the day.

"FBI FBI!" Derek yells.

They find you two in the back room, and Spencer unties Julio.

"We're going to need an ambulance. Elian overdosed on heroin."

"Get an ambulance," Hotch says to Rossi.

Derek walks over to you and grabs Walker to put him in handcuffs.

"Don't hurt me," Walker begs.

"You have the right to remain silent. Use it."

"Do you think he'll come to see me in jail? Do you think he'll visit?"

"Who?"

"My father. "He'll hear about this, right? I'll be pretty famous."

"Oh, he's gonna hear about it, alright."

Walker is taken away, and you and Spencer help Julio to his feet.

"You heard me calling. You heard me calling. That's why you came," Julio says to Spencer.

"Julio, I found a photograph of you in front of this building. That's how I found you."

"You don't really believe that, do you? That you just happened to see a photograph?" Julio reaches into his pocket and gives Spencer a bracelet. "This is Orula's Ide. It will protect you. I don't need it anymore, but you do."

Julio is brought to the ambulance when they arrive to get checked out, and Hotch walks over to Spencer.

"What do you need protecting from?"

Spencer winces in pain. "I have no idea."

"Are you alright?"

"Yeah, I pretended to have a headache in order to distract him."

"Pretended?"

"Yeah, pretended."

You know that's not true. When you get back to Virginia, you and Spencer are brought back to the hospital for the results of his MRI scan. With the increasing pain from the headaches, Spencer becomes more worried. You're starting to get worried for him as well even though you know it's not your worry that's affecting you. It's his.

When the doctor comes in and delivers the news, Spencer is even more confused.

"That doesn't make any sense."

"I'm not sure what you want me to say."

"There's nothing wrong?"

"Your scans are perfectly normal, and there doesn't seem to be any physical explanation for your headaches."

Spencer looks down in thought. He is truly lost now. "What do I do now?"

"Have you considered..."

Spencer looks up when the doctor doesn't continue. "Considered what?"

"A psychosomatic cause."

"Psychosomatic?"

"It just means a mental or emotional stress--"

Spencer chuckles harshly. "I know what psychosomatic means, Doctor, but it's not that."

"I think it's something we should consider."

Panic rolls over you in waves that come from Spencer. If there is nothing wrong with him physically, it could be mentally. You go to hold his hand but he pulls it away from you, too overwhelmed to touch anyone.

"It's not--I'm not crazy."

"Crazy? Dr. Reid, I'm not saying--"

"I have headaches. I have intense sensitivity to light because there's something wrong with me physically, not mentally. It's not that."

"That?" the doctor asks in confusion.

Spencer gets up in anger. "Listen, doctor, my mother's a paranoid schizophrenic who's been institutionalized, so I know very well what mental illness looks like, maybe even better than you, and it's not that. It's not."

Spencer grabs his things and storms out of the room. You look at the doctor apologetically.

"I'm so sorry." You grab your things and follow Spencer out of the hospital. He's waiting for you by the car and slides into the passenger seat when you unlock the car. You climb in behind the wheel but you don't start the car. "Spencer--"

"It's not that."

"I know it's not, but--"

"There are no buts. It's not that."

There is nothing you can say to him that will make him feel better so you start the car and head home.

It's late at night when Frank arrives at the docks. His contact isn't supposed to be here for another twenty minutes, but Frank likes to be early. He walks down the long pier with boats on either side of him until he gets to the very end. If he was here for any other reason, he'd take the time to admire how calm the water is. How easy it would be to steal a boat and leave. He'd take what's his and live at sea.

If he knew how to sail, he would.

He takes out a cigarette and smokes half of it before he hears footsteps behind him. He crushes the cigarette under his shoe before looking at his watch.

"You're late," he says before turning around.

"Calm down. I'm here, no?"

Frank rolls his eyes. "Did you bring it with you?"

"Of course." He hands Frank a thick manilla envelope, and Frank opens it to inspect the contents. Two fake IDs with yours and his pictures on them, a new birth certificate for you, two new social security numbers for you two, a handful of burner phones, several credit cards linked to one of his offshore accounts in the Bahamas, and everything else he needs to start a new life somewhere else. "You planning on ever coming back?"

"I won't need to," Frank smirks.

He can't leave just yet as he still has so much to do, but it's a relief to know his new life is waiting for you and him when he's ready for it.

"The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched – they must be felt with the heart." - Helen Keller

x

Want to be tagged? Follow my library blog @aqueenslibrary​​​​​​ where I reblog all my stories, so you can put notifications on there without the extra stuff :)

[ask-postcrash-curly]

as i say this to you, your wounds are currently being treated on the new ship. i know it’s scary. hospitals are terrifying. if, by the time you’re receiving this, you’re still in this distressed state, just listen to my voice, let it soothe you.

…

you’re off that ship. now, the first thing you have to do now is get your own favorite color.

OH GOD YOURE OFF THAT SHIP.

(very loud weeping. tears of relief, of joy. this is clearly played up for dramatics, but they’re definitely in real. the weeping is accompanied by laughter and brief exclamations of joy.)

you know i’m still really shaken by that last timeline. the one we couldn’t save you in. i cry every day for the ‘you’ in the freezer. i am however so immeasurably overjoyed by how we succeeded here. honey, you can see the sun again. you can see the ocean, you can see the moon. you can listen to classical music and make little movements to match the instruments again. you can drink an ungodly amount of protein powder. you can enjoy winter. you can do everything- well no. you can do lots of things you used to.

though, your old home may remain in the sky with Laika for some time, maybe forever. the sun has finally set on the tulpar. this is the beginning of a new life. i say without a doubt, it will be ok. the best way to jump off a bridge with your feet stuck in cement is to lose your feet in a devastating crash. ha, sorry.

i see you living happily. you don’t ever have to eat meat again, or light a candle, or anything else that may bring you distress. Robin loves you. if that is where you’ll go after this, she will take care of you. you will be safe in that house.

all the meanwhile, i will say it one more time, and another, and another. i will be with you always. every time you wake from a nightmare, or you’re in pain, or any hardship you may have yet to face, i will be right at your side.

i see you sitting on a bed with actual bedding on it. the bed sits directly next to a window, and the view is beautiful. you can hear birds chirping, you can smell the pollen in the air. in the room are your belongings. this is your room. there are a couple odd looking fabric fish hanging from the ceiling. perhaps you have music playing. perhaps you’re journaling, writing, whatever.

“mors mihi lucrum” is what i said to you as you froze in that pod. it means “death is the reward”. i still say it is, but it has changed in meaning dramatically since last i spoke it.

death is no longer the reward for suffering. it’s the reward for living.

you are not past all hardship. recovery will be rough. “but you have promises to keep, and miles to go before you sleep.” stuff might be bad for a while. i won’t deny that, but you can overcome them. i know you can, but most importantly, you know you can.

i very much hope this line of communication between us continues. you have grown as a person so much over these past months, and i wouldn’t have gotten to see it had i not been able to speak with you.

grant curly, unconditional surrender grant, major tom, coily, ponyboy, kinky, gibby, you will be ok. i love you.

“Death as a Friend” by Richard Julius Jungtow

🖤🖤🖤

yeah, still happening. wouldn't say it's hospitals scaring me. moreso being left alone with a corpse on a dark spaceship and then being picked up and carried out by strangers and then ending up in a room that's so bright i can't see and full of voices i can't understand. oh, and the added pain. that'll do it. hahah. could use the distraction though... please do.

oh, c'mon. i don't need a favorite color.

agh— hah. guess i am. ...never going to be on the tulpar again. she'll stay on that rock. empty. huh.

mm... i suppose that timeline's gone though, yeah...? and thank god for that. ...yeah... hahah. i can't... i can't wrap my head around it...

about damn time. it's complicated in my head, but i think it's for the best that no one touches that ship again.

...that would be nice...

thank you. means so much.

mhm... mhm... hah, that's... that's really great. thank you again. someday. someday. maybe soon?

that's a nice way to look at things...

been expecting as much. that's from a poem, yeah? ...thank you. i'm not sure i do know that, but your faith in me certainly doesn't hurt.

me too.

thank you. again. i love you too.

picture's lovely. songs are too.

[bunnakit]

last twilight e8 thoughts, feelings, and tears

ok i cried for like 10 minutes after the episode ended so forgive me if this isn't up to par of what i usually do. apparently i'm fragile today.

there was a lot i liked and didn't like about this scene. in the past we've seen Day cling to the idea that someday he'll see again, that this is all temporary. instead of reiterating that, instead of talking about the cornea transplant, he instead asks "what can i do?" it's such an insanely massive sign of his growth. i'm so fucking proud of him. it made me so fucking emotional because while he's still upset, he's still hurt, he's still angry, he realizes his reality and he's making steps to move forward with that.

what i didn't like about this scene was once again Day's mother acts like Day's life is ending. she's been the number one person to coddle Day and to reassure him of this surgery that may never happen. i know she means well but fuck. this has to stop.

i also fucking hated the doctor for this. Day isn't fucking dying, there's still so much he can do even once his sight is completely gone. sure, he'll have some limitations, i get that. i can't swim in the ocean or rivers anymore. that fucking sucked to learn right before going on my honeymoon to the beach. but you know what i could still do? walk across the beach to the little hidden tide pools, sit on the jagged rocks, and watch the crabs and fish and anemones and everything thrive in this tiny little ecosystem. it was still amazing and something i may not have done if not for my disease keeping me from going in the water.

we're limited by our disabilities but we aren't fucking dead - life goes on around us and we can either participate in it or wallow in our fate. i'll talk about this more later.

you can skip this next paragraph if you don't want to see me babble on another personal anecdote.

i will say i saw a lot of myself in this moment. something similar happened to me a few weeks ago. i learned my disability is no longer responding to the treatments and i'll have to have multiple surgeries next year to close some year old wounds and will probably need some skin grafts. my disease is no longer managed but once again getting worse. when the doctor told me i just nodded and discussed the game plan. meanwhile, my mom was heartbroken and kept asking if there was anything that could be done. (nothing that i'm not already doing.)

sometimes we just have to nod along and accept what's happening. we can cry about it and get pissed later if we have to.

ohhh there's so much i want to talk about here. Day's mom infuriates me, probably because she's the opposite of everything my mother ever was when faced with my disabilities. her constant refusal to address Day's blindness is so painful, as if it's somehow a reflection of him as a person or a stain. it's just a fact of life and her denial is doing so much more to hurt Day than to help him. as much as i hate it, though, it is realistic. it can be so hard for those close to us to acknowledge what's going on, especially when they can't experience it for themselves or they aren't around day to day.

which brings me to the part that frustrates me the most. i'm going to get REALLY personal here.

TW FOR SUICIDE AND MENTAL HEALTH ->

i'll put another message when this little anecdote is over so ya'll can skip to that.

i've been diagnosed with major depressive disorder since i was 15. when i was 16 i tried to kill myself. my mom didn't know until last year, but at the time she knew my depression was getting to a concerning level of bad. you know what she did? she quit her job. she made any sacrifice she could to stay home with me and make sure i was safe and felt heard and taken care of. granted, she wasn't a single mother at the time but we also weren't rolling in the money. my dad was a construction worker in the early 2000s when construction work was struggling HARD.

but that's what you do for your kids, that's what you do to take care of them and make them feel heard and loved and cared for unconditionally. my depression and desire to die wasn't a stain on who i was, it was my mind holding me hostage with no way out because they couldn't give me medication until i turned 18.

OKAY IT'S SAFE NOW ->

anyway, where i was going with that is that Day's mom, as a famous chef, clearly makes enough money to take time off work, to be there for her son, to stay home and make him feel loved and cared for. there's likely a lot going on on her end of being a single mother, of feeling like she needs to prove herself and show the world she can do this alone - but her son doesn't have to do it alone just because she wants to. he needs a support system and right now all he has is Mhok.

Day's anger is so real and so justified. he must feel abandoned by his mother, by the one person that should be there to comfort him and keep him safe. her love has become conditional on the state of his eyesight.

and then she tells him he can't go? he's not a fucking child. he's a full grown man and he was just told to do things while he still can see at least a little. i told my mom the exact part of the plot and her response was "well fuck her, he's gotta go." you're god damn right he does, mom.

everything Night does feels like repentance. i need know what the story is, i need to know what caused this massive fissure between them. i don't want to comment or speculate too much but at this point i can no longer condemn Night. he's trying, he's clearly trying so fucking hard, and he clearly has so much love for his brother.

and him giving Mhok money and letting him and Day escape because he knows Day will be happier? i really hope that is a step in the right direction of mending whatever was broken between them. there are only four episodes left and i hope bare minimum half of them deal with what is going on here.

The sea remains the sea. The sand remains the sand. The sky remains the sky. Though I can't see, everything remains the way it is.

and here we are. being diagnosed with a disability is a massive change in our lives, a huge hurdle we have to climb, but at the end of the day the world still turns, life still goes on, and we can either go with it or remain stagnant. this is the culmination of everything Mhok has shown Day. Mhok has constantly brought Day out to participate in life, to learn how to navigate the world that remains unchanged. while Day's world has changed it remains the same in so many ways. this is such a beautiful moment of acceptance and peace, of healing and moving past the hurt. once again, i am so proud of Day.

he's going to be okay.

i've seen others mention it but fuck this once again drove home how soft and caring Mhok is, something that's been so constant in this episode from his willingness to help Day, to the keychains, to the escape, and now this. this little act of asking for permission, of giving Day permission, of almost asking Day 'will you kiss me?' and then Day does. Day gives Mhok the first kiss initiated by him. until now it's always been Mhok but this time Day reaches out to Mhok in this gritty, sand filled kiss. (disgusting but still lovely)

and this really drove home how safe Day feels with Mhok. they're somewhere completely new and unpredictable but he suggests they drink and participate in the party - and i love that he doesn't ask for permission but rather says 'why not?' because Mhok has never made him feel like he needs to ask for things, not things he's fully capable of deciding for himself.

and they do! they act like the young adults they are and have an amazing night of just fun and laughter and love and i fucking love that for them. how many times have we seen Day get to act his age and be carefree? it's remarkably telling how free Day feels the further he gets from home, how free his love is when he isn't worried about his family. when he's away from home Day really becomes the sun.

(also i think i might make shirts like this with my husband as a fun activity because that's really cute.)

i'm fine, i'm fine, i'm fine. (i'm lying.) the amount of love they have from here on is almost palpable. the fact that Mhok takes the time to tell Day he looks good, that he's admiring him. fuck. it makes me think of just a bit before, where we see Day linger with his fingers against the mirror. Day hasn't seen his own reflection in over a year, he has no idea what he looks like anymore. he won't get to see the way age changes him, won't get to see the wrinkles and laugh lines form on his face.

but Mhok will be there to tell him, to say how handsome he is, and without fully seeing Mhok Day will know he is equally as handsome because he knows Mhok's voice, his character, and sure he knows what everyone has said about Mhok's appearance but who he is has always been more important.

and then for them to essentially say their own vows in the light of the setting sun? oh, my loves.

Day is starting a new chapter in the book of his life, a new chapter with Mhok and hope and confidence. he's taking back control and paving his own way and no matter what comes he'll face it head on.

i started crying here and didn't stop, P'Aof please i'm sending you bills not for my therapy but for all the water i have to buy to rehydrate myself from all my tears. once again, fucking hell i'm so proud of Day.

and he tells them to have a kid soon! so he can help raise it!! just like he'll probably help raise Porjai's kid. because he no longer sees himself as incapable, as someone unable to help. Mhok has shown him how capable he is, how much he can still do.

please allow me a moment to - AAAAAAAAA.

personally i cannot wait for all the gifsets we're going to see of this moment. they danced so perfectly together because they know each other. Mhok knows Day better than anyone else, they've gone through so much, and they move so intrinsically together. i'd say they know each other better than anyone else but there's still so much of Mhok left unexplored. there's so much Day still doesn't know, so much pain Mhok is still hiding.

i can't wait for them to truly know each other inside and out (not like that, but hey it looks like we're getting that next ep eeeyy)

i'm not really going to comment on the dad showing up at the end. i feel almost nothing about that, i'm just waiting to see how that turns out and reserving my opinions for now. (i had a shit dad, i'm a little bais.)

man, i'd hoped this would be brief with how raw i was feeling and how busy i am with work but GUESS NOT. thanks for reading as always tag loves: @nutcasewithaknife @benkaaoi @callipigio @infinitelyprecious

[10centz]

Change =/= Defeat.

This week has been very eye-opening for me. With tax season over and Hayley back home, our intentions were to make a game together about several characters to kind of introduce ourselves to RPGMaker so we could later do an even bigger project. Meanwhile, I was going to continue working on my webcomic, Promise Me, on the weekends. Both of us were excited to do this over the summer, but since our writing session for the game a few days ago ... the plans have changed. A lot. To put it plainly: my body is quitting on me. The damage to my spine is something we are trying to halt the progression of and it is very slow-going. I rely on epidural steroid injections to be able to sit up and move around, although it's limited. Surgery is very likely in my future and right now my main goal is to prevent it for as long as possible ... and that has meant accepting some really hard facts. I cannot make Promise Me into a comic. It's much too long, too complicated, and to fully render pages as I was before takes a lot of time and work. These fully-rendered illustrations are no longer physically viable for me --- nor is the polish that would be required for doing every single asset within an RPG all on my own. Both of these projects ... had to change. As much I hate it, I cannot make them as I am now. We're probably about 10 years too late for the scale(s) that we were hoping for. However. This is not the end. Promise Me can be done in more of a novel format. I have wanted to get back into actually writing for some time now and I feel like I will do these characters --- and this story --- better justice this way. I can illustrate very important moments, should the desire hit me. As for the game ... Hayley and I have switched gears and decided to keep the story and the characters -- but will be relying on where I am most comfortable. Comics. Not the fully rendered, beautiful pages that I used to be proud of -- but instead, sketchy loose pages that will allow me to tell things faster without also damaging myself. I have to find a balance. And it is going to take me a while to actually get there. I gave up on making my own Vtuber rig for these very same reasons. I don't have the time. I only have so many hours in a day where I can be in my office chair/sitting up before the pain becomes too much and I need to be laying down. I wanna spend those hours doing things that I love. Hayley is helping me write dialog and scenes and stuff ... and I am also helping her with the writing for a game she wants to make with assets she had obtained from other really talented people. I wanna thank everyone who was so supportive, so excited for these projects. Things are changing around but nothing is going away forever. I still love all these characters and can't actually put them down. I'm just going to be presenting them in a way that was not the original plan. And I intend to find a way to thrive while doing it.

[try-set-me-on-fire]

AAAAAAHHHHHH okay I changed my mind the 'pretend they're not dating' idea please!!!

Hahahaha okay so I have like? Set pieces? That I plug into various aus sometimes? One of them is a specific burn injury of Eddie's (it's made an appearance in this soft prompt drabble which in itself is secretly part of proposal fic au). They're fighting a fire in a big building, the floor goes out from under him, he's knocked unconscious so can't move himself out of the flames and it takes a minute to get to him so he ends up with pretty severe burns on his arm and thigh, a little less bad on his side.

The concept for this fic is that he's laying in the burn unit really out of it and in excruciating pain and he begs for his mom and Buck, who is his emergency contact and power of attorney and who also has been his boyfriend for a while, is like fuck. Fuck. I have to call his parents. So Ramon and Helena, who Eddie is NOT out to and who have no idea how big a role Buck has in his and Christopher's life, come to town to help in his recovery. So Buck has to like sneak around his own life, like he's already living with Eddie at this point and his stuffs all over their house and Christopher treats him like a second parent because he is one and he sleeps in Eddie's bed and he has to find excuses for it all. I'm staying here because Eddie's hurt. I care for Christopher because me and Eddie are real good friends. Eddie can't move too well right now so I'm sleeping by him in case he needs help in the night, we all share a room in the bunks at work, ha ha.

So he's exhausted dealing with lying to Eddie's parents and also with Eddie's injuries and how much pain the love of his life is in (he usually changes the bandages but there will be a scene where Eddie asks Maddie to do it just to give Buck a break, which Buck later feels inadequate about) and of course he feels guilty that Eddie got hurt in the first place even if there's nothing he could have done, and like Eddie's parents aren't stupid it's pretty clear how much Buck loves their son and Helena confronts him about it and how she thinks he shouldn't be taking advantage of the situation to be close to Eddie like this and Buck doesn't know what to say because. Eddie never came out. He didn't tell his parents about them for a reason. So he doesn't even defend himself he just heads off to work and has a bit of a breakdown there. Meanwhile Helena is telling Eddie he shouldn't let his gay friend take so much liberty with him and Eddie damn near shouts the house down injuries or no, and is horrified that she might have said something like this to Buck, who he declares is his partner, who he loves so dearly, who he intends to marry some day.

And so Buck comes home to find Eddie's parents are at a hotel or Pepa's house or just somewhere not here for a little bit and they have some time to themselves and Eddie is getting better he's a little stronger now he's sitting on the couch and doing okay, they're going to be okay and he's sorry for whatever she said and he's sorry for what a mess this all is and Buck forgives him for all of it because it doesn't really matter as long as Eddie is alive and here with him.

But it does kind of matter, Eddie and Ramon have been really working on their relationship the last few years and Eddie is kind of shocked at how poorly Helena took this and he wants to like just talk to them. He'd love for them to be happy for him because this is the happiest he's ever been. He'd love for them to like Buck because he's here to stay for good. He was planning on telling them eventually and he expected better from them and he tells them that, and that they can still be a part of his life and he'd like that but they better be willing to accept all parts of his life. So they're still in town but they're at the house less and it's kind of weird and awkward and bad sometimes but Buck can stand up for himself a little more and Buck and Chris and Eddie can live their lives how they actually live them and Eddie's parents can see what a good life they've built here and eventually when they leave back to Texas it's not on the Best terms but it's not awful either. They'd like to come to the wedding, whenever that may be, if Buck and Eddie would have them there. Maybe they will. It's something they'll figure out together.

So yeah more emotional and physical meat grinder content from me your pal ahshshhs I just like drama! I like when people intentionally and unintentionally hurt each other! I like to stress poor Buck out!

[pbaz7]

so ur telling me not only is this story sad but there's no smut... author you play too much

as long as they end up together im fine its whatever

Sometimes, it’s about the fights, the moments when words fail, and the painful silence that surrounds all the things we’re too afraid to say.

no I disagree lets always be happy

The arguments, the jealousy, the misunderstandings, all became the backdrop for the truth they weren’t brave enough to confront.

oh homoerotic friendships how I hate you

2018 (DMV)

WAY back we go

Paige didn’t seem to follow any diet, didn’t eat any vegetables, and just consumed whatever she wanted, whenever she wanted.

she's got the toddler diet

Why you beg me to come visit you then?”

CLOCKED

a different kind of warmth in the way they looked at each other.

who's the freaks know

“Wait, you actually want to talk to her?”

oh we've got some azzi jealousy here

Paige frowned a little confused now. “I mean… I don’t not want to.”

could you have said anything worse

Azzi let out a dry laugh. “Right. Best friend. Got it.”

STOP IT MY HEART

Azzi’s head moved toward her direction. “I’m not being weird, Paige. I just—” She cut herself off, exhaling before pushing her hair out of her face in frustration. “You don’t get it.”

oh my god we've gotten an azzi falls first for once

“because you don’t see the way anyone looks at you.”

SHUT THE FUCK UP

I hate the idea of you talking to someone else.”

at least she's honest

The lingering looks. The teasing that always felt a little too real.

well probably because it is babe

But then Paige kissed her.

well that didn't take too long at all did it

Finally, Paige let out a weak laugh. “Let’s just forget it.”

WHAT THE ACTUAL EVER LIVING FUCK HELLO YOU CANT JUST DO THAT AND THEN DO THAT RIGHT AFTER WHAT THE FUCK THAT IS NOT ALLOWED THAT IS LIKE RULE #1 IN DONT HURT WATERMELON ANON RULE BOOK WHAT THE FUCK

Just making out here and there, like something they could pick up and drop whenever they wanted.

just here and there! casually, as friends, of course!

Azzi turned her head toward the sound. “Damn. Someone’s popular.”

deja vu

New team, new people, new girls—”

can we STOP with this NONSENSE. yall are in love for gods sakes

Azzi raised an eyebrow. “You’re not shutting them down either, so you clearly want it.”

okay! anyways!

Paige sat up fully too, the ball rolling off the bed as she turned to face Azzi. “What you mean?”

you must be joking babe

“We keep kissing, Paige. We kiss a lot actually.”

excellent observation! there a question in there or...

“I just don’t get how you can sit here and act like none of it matters.”

CLOCKED SO HARD

Paige’s frustration spiked. “I never said it didn’t mean anything.” “You sure as hell act like it.”

AUTHOR I SWEAR TO GOD YOU CANT DO THIS TO ME IM ON MY PERIOD AND SENIOR NIGHT IS SOON IM TOO EMOTIONAL THIS SUCKS I HATE THIS

Having somebody, with no labels, to makeout with whenever you want is so fucking hard. Meanwhile, I’m the one sitting here wondering if I’m just another one of your little distractions before you leave.”

I THOUGHT I SAID STOP WHY IS THIS PAINFUL SHIT STILL GOING

Paige opened her mouth, but nothing came out. Because she didn’t have an answer—at least, not one that wouldn’t change everything.

then just say the one that changes shit... no one cares bitch just say it. im pissed off at all of you

Before she could stop herself, she was closing the distance between them, her hand gripping the back of Azzi’s neck as she pushed their lips together.

as much as I would LOVE to read this yall do in fact need to communicate!

Paige sighed. “I don’t know how to talk about this, baby.”

you can't call her baby and then refuse to talk about how you're in love.

I just—I need you Az. I need you more than anything and I’m scared that shit’s going to change between us, get weird and I can’t…I won’t be able to handle this without my best friend so I’ve just been—”

alright that's it. I'm done.

Azzi’s mom’s voice came from the other side. “Everything okay in there?”

not in the slightest

Azzi barely waited before she kissed Paige softly, melting into her.

so that is not communicating

Azzi exhaled harshly, staring straight ahead. “Go back inside, Paige.”

okay now ur just jumping the gun... she's famous of course ppl are gonna be trying to hit on her

Azzi scoffed. "No, you want to charm your way out of this like you always do."

azzi what the hell are you talking about rn

Paige’s chest rose and fell, her mind spinning, the alcohol making her words looser, her emotions heavier. “Azzi, I love you.”

no comment. literally not a single comment.

“You’re drunk. You’re just trying to make me feel better.”

AZZI SHUT UP

Paige stepped closer to Azzi, pulling her closer, thankful when she didn’t push her away. “Az, I swear to god, I love you.”

and here comes the tears. you can't do this to me when im on my period author

“I love your laugh so much,” Paige mumbled, her words slightly slurred. “Like, really love it. It’s stupid how much I love it.”

aww a glimmer of happiness and hope... i can't wait for it to be ripped away from me in the next scene!

“And your eyes.” Paige ignored her, tightening her hold. “God, your eyes, Az. You ever look in the mirror? Like, really look?

do you know how lucky you are to be simply in the presence of her

“No.” Paige pouted, shaking her head. “You don’t get it. You—you act like I don’t care, like I don’t see you, but I do. I see everything, Az.”

im gonna cry harder

Paige’s lips parted, and her eyes, though glassy, were full of something real. “Because every time I think about somebody else having you, getting to see the sides of you I see, I feel sick. Physically sick. And I know that’s selfish as shit, but I don’t care. I don’t want anyone else to have you, Az. I want you.”

ive erupted into sobs

And now Azzi is still here. Still wrapped around her, holding her like she didn’t want to let go.

still stayed. always will

“I missed you too,” Paige mumbled against her lips, kissing her again. “So much.”

I hate them

"So, are you single?”

my fist is... but it's about to not be once it find your face!

Azzi’s jaw tensed. “Right. Because you’re so single.”

if you wanted her to not be single that's something you should probably express...

Azzi’s jaw clenched. “You answered it so easily.”

azzi can u not

“Ten months ago, Az.” Paige let out a humorless breath, shaking her head. “I told you, and you didn’t say it back.”

ow. ow. ow. my heart

She doesn’t look at Paige when she finally breaks the silence. “Why do you never say any of this when you’re sober?”

she needs her liquid courage

You won’t tell me what you want. Just—tell me how you feel, Azzi. Please.”

asking the right questions for once

Instead, she pulls Paige toward her and kisses her.

wasn't it you who said just a year ago that this wasn't a valid thing to do during and argument

Azzi reaches for the hem of her shirt, pulling it over her head.

that is not a communication tactic!

She doesn’t need to say it. Not now. Not when she can show Paige exactly what she means.

see... I personally would feel more secure in a relationship with verbal communication... but you do you I guess!

“Let me know if you want to stop,” she whispers, hovering above her, eyes locked onto Azzi’s.

that's my top right there

Paige had always been the one who struggled with communication.

no way! I had no idea!

Just as Paige let out a small laugh at something the girl beside her said Azzi was next to her.

roles have changed very quickly here

Paige shook her head, “You’re such a fucking coward sometimes Az.”

DEJA VU IM SCREAMING STOP

Azzi’s eyes darkened and hurt flashed across her face before she said something she knew would hurt Paige. "Maybe letting you fuck me was a mistake."

okay so what the fuck

"Talk? Now you wanna talk? After you stood in there and called what we had a fucking mistake?"

va.lid.

"I do love you Paige."

took u long efuckingnough

"I don’t know how to do this," Azzi admitted, her voice barely above a whisper. "I don’t know how to love you without losing myself."

then lose urself ho

Paige’s brows pulled together, her heart aching at the vulnerability in Azzi’s voice. "Azzi, I would never hurt you."

should we go back in the records...

"I pulled away because I love you too much. Because the moment I let myself have you, I knew I’d never want to let you go. I knew I wouldn’t be able to live without you and I didn’t know what to do with that."

I just wanna applaud this gorgeous writing like this is such a perfect encapsulation of unhealthy attachment

Paige reached up, cupping Azzi’s face, her thumb brushing over her cheek. "You don’t have to know what to do. You just gotta trust me Az. Trust that maybe we can figure it out together."

there's my girls

"I’ve always loved you. I’ve loved you since I was 15. I just didn’t know how to say it."

yeah... we know

"Then please don’t run this time. Just let me love you, Azzi—because I—I love you so much baby. And I’m sorry I didn’t realize as fast as you did. That I—"

tears are falling again

Loving each other was never the risk. Letting themselves be loved back—that was.

woah.

woah. woah.

gorgeous and terrifying.

author, you astonish me.

love you🥹

-🍉

could you have said anything worse

probably not 😭

oh my god we've gotten an azzi falls first for once

feel like i’ve never seen it

WHAT THE ACTUAL EVER LIVING FUCK HELLO YOU CANT JUST DO THAT AND THEN DO THAT RIGHT AFTER WHAT THE FUCK THAT IS NOT ALLOWED THAT IS LIKE RULE #1 IN DONT HURT WATERMELON ANON RULE BOOK WHAT THE FUCK

i’m sorry stink please forgive me

as much as I would LOVE to read this yall do in fact need to communicate!

lol this made me chuckle a little

aww a glimmer of happiness and hope... i can't wait for it to be ripped away from me in the next scene!

exactly !

DEJA VU IM SCREAMING STOP

so happy you picked up on it 🥹

then lose urself ho

oh ?!?

just wanna applaud this gorgeous writing like this is such a perfect encapsulation of unhealthy attachment

thank you ily so much 🥹🫶🏼

[princesssarisa]

"A Christmas Carol" Adaptations: Top 5 Saddest Versions of Tiny Tim's Death (long)

@ariel-seagull-wings, @cliozaur, @warrioreowynofrohan

Since the Christmas season is almost officially over, and my annual hyperfixation on A Christmas Carol will need to be paused for another year, I decided to make this post while I still can.

These are my votes for the five saddest, most poignant filmed versions of the vision in Christmas Yet to Come of the Cratchits mourning Tiny Tim's death. A scene which fortunately never takes place in the real world thanks to Scrooge's redemption, but which is still heartbreaking as the Ghost shows Scrooge what might happen.

Honorable mentions include the silent graveside scene in Mickey's Christmas Carol (Mickey Mouse crying – enough said), the similar brief yet touching graveside scenes in Scrooge (1970), A Christmas Carol: The Musical (2004), and Scrooge: A Christmas Carol (2022), and the scenes in the 1938 MGM film (mainly for the quiet yet deep grief Gene Lockhart's Bob conveys under the brave face he wears) and the 1999 TV film (mainly for showing Tim's body as Bob sits by his bedside, the first version since 1935 to do so).

Scrooge (1935) (Donald Calthrop as Bob Cratchit, Barbara Everest as Mrs. Cratchit, Sir Seymour Hicks as Scrooge)

This is the most complete rendition of the scene from the book, and it's well done. From the opening as Mrs. Cratchit leaves Tim's bedroom in tears, through the subsequent slow pan through the house's main room, showing the gloomy children and Tim's empty stool and crutch amid gentle music, the poignant tone is established, and it increases after Bob comes home. This Bob avoids breaking down in front of his family, but as he slowly walks up the stairs toward the bedroom, alone, he's suddenly overwhelmed and sobs into his hands. Then he slowly enters the candlelit room, where – in a rare touch that no adaptation would repeat until 1999 – we see Tim's body laid out on the bed in full view. Ever slowly, Bob approaches, sits down, and murmurs "My little child," then kisses Tim's forehead. The whole sequence, underscored by soft choral music, has an air of delicate grief and reverence, similar to the famous scene of Disney's seven dwarfs mourning for Snow White that would premiere two years later. It might seem almost mawkish by modern filmmaking standards, but in an unabashedly old-fashioned and stagy 1930s film, it works. Meanwhile, the unseen Scrooge utters the narrator's words from the book: "Tiny Tim, thy childish essence was from God!" The scene ends with consolation, though, as Bob goes back downstairs and tells his family about Fred's sympathy, then gives his speech about how none of the family will forget Tiny Tim (holding Tim's crutch as he speaks it), and they all gather warmly around him. Dickens would have approved of a scene so faithful to his writing.

A Christmas Carol (2009) (Gary Oldman as Bob Cratchit, Lesley Manville as Mrs. Cratchit, Jim Carrey as Scrooge)

This CGI motion-capture film gives Tiny Tim the short shrift as a character, but it makes this scene effective through its portrayal of the family's raw grief and of Scrooge's horror at what his selfishness has caused. Whether to keep the scene fresh or due to changing social mores about grief, there's much less emphasis than usual on the family trying to be cheerful and hide their pain for each other's sake, and more open emotion. Most of the scene shows the Cratchits at a distance, without close-ups, but the pain can be heard in their voices: Mrs. Cratchit is crying, the daughters are crying, and even teenage son Peter is just barely restraining his tears. Then when Bob arrives, he makes only a brief, feeble attempt at cheerfulness before breaking down sobbing "My little child!" in anguish. Then comes the unforgettable moment, which takes full, rare advantage of the fact that the Cratchits can't see or hear Scrooge: Bob wanders to the stairs, where Scrooge is sitting, and unknowingly on Bob's part, the two men come face to face. Scrooge is horrified by the sight of Bob's exhausted, red-eyed, utterly broken face staring into his own. He longs to comfort him and apologize for failing to save Tim, and chokes out "Bob!" in an anguish-soaked voice – that single syllable may be Jim Carrey's best acting in the film. Yet Bob walks straight through him to go up to the bedroom, where we see just the shadow of Tim's body cast on the wall by the candlelight as Bob sits down and sobs at his bedside. Without losing Dickens' gentle touch, this is probably the most raw rendition of the scene.

A Christmas Carol (1984) (David Warner as Bob Cratchit, Susannah York as Mrs. Cratchit, George C. Scott as Scrooge)

This rendition of the scene is slightly more subdued than the above two, but its "tenderness and depth of feeling" (in the words of this version of Scrooge) stand out all the same, chiefly thanks to the acting of David Warner and Susannah York. As portrayed by York, Mrs. Cratchit is clearly the family's pillar of strength in this version, more so than in others; through her face is weary with grief, she restrains her tears – albeit not without a quiet struggle – and provides support and stability to her family. Meanwhile, Warner's Bob is warm and tender as always, and he tries to be cheerful, but his pain is closer to the surface than his wife's. As he speaks of visiting Tim's grave, he finally breaks down and weeps quietly into his youngest daughter's hair; then he tries to pull himself together and assures his family of how grateful he is to still have all of them, only to break down again while telling them about Fred's sympathy. But Mrs. Cratchit takes gentle command of the moment and encourages her husband: "Tim is part of all of us. For his sake, we must go on living. So long as we love one another, he will always be alive." Bob takes her words to heart, but he adds that surely none of the family will ever forget Tiny Tim, which the children all assure their parents that they never will. "I am a truly happy man" Bob concludes; despite the scene's sadness, we feel that he means it, with such a wonderful, tender family to support him through the loss and to always treasure Tim's memory. This scene stands out for the Cratchits' sheer warmth, tenderness, and quiet strength as they support each other.

Scrooge (1951) (Mervyn Johns as Bob Cratchit, Hermione Baddeley as Mrs. Cratchit, Alastair Sim as Scrooge)

This film is widely considered the greatest cinematic Christmas Carol, so naturally its version of this scene is especially poignant. It opens with a pan through the melancholy room as Peter reads a long passage from the Bible: not the Mark verse quoted in the book, but Psalm 91, which describes God providing strength and refuge. This change enhances young Peter's characterization, I think, showing his effort to support his mother and sisters through the tragedy. But he can only do so much, as we see Mrs Cratchit gaze mournfully at Tim's empty stool and crutch, and as their subsequent dialogue places Peter in closeup and makes his own grief for his little brother evident. When Bob arrives, the script departs from Dickens' dialogue as he tenderly describes his visit to the spot where Tim will be buried. He reveals that as he stood there, he seemed to feel Tim's hand slip into his own, and he felt comforted; he believes Tim's spirit was there, telling him that he's happy now and that the family must stop grieving and try to be happy too. But Mrs. Cratchit can only look at him with her eyes full of tears, and at the sight of her grief, Bob finally gives into his own. "Oh Tim! My Tiny Tim!" he sobs, burying his face in his hands. His wife kneels down and clasps him in her arms, and the scene ends as they hold each other in anguish. The musical score, with a gentle rendition of "Silent Night" underscoring Peter's Bible verse, and a slow version of Tiny Tim's theme – an innocent, music box-like tune – underscoring Bob's speech, adds greatly to the scene's moving effect.

And the #1 rendition of the scene:

The Muppet Christmas Carol (1992) (Kermit the Frog/Steve Whitmire as Bob Cratchit, Miss Piggy/Frank Oz as Mrs. Cratchit, Michael Caine as Scrooge)

Maybe it's sacrilegious to give my preference to a version of this scene where the Cratchits are frogs and pigs. But somehow, the Muppets and Michael Caine give it a poignancy like no other. The Cratchits go through the same motions they did in Christmas Present – Mrs. Cratchit and the children busy preparing dinner in the kitchen, the children all hugging Bob when he arrives, etc. But instead of happily bustling around, Mrs. Cratchit is crying; instead of comically tackle-hugging Bob, the children hug him tenderly and sadly; and rather than from church, Bob has come from the churchyard. He reveals that he chose a gravesite for Tim "where he can see..." but then stops, and explains that it has a view of the ducks on the river, which Tim loved to watch. Kermit's Bob has no "My little child!" breakdown – true to Kermit's character as a leader, he stays strong for his family – but his grief is still very clear. Each time he says "Tiny... Tim," he struggles as if he can hardly bear to say his son's name. Meanwhile, Scrooge is distraught. "Oh Spirit," he pleads, "must there be a Christmas that brings this awful scene? How can we endure it?" Finally, Bob consoles his children, saying "Life is made up of meetings and partings, that is the way of it," and that surely they'll never forget Tiny Tim. The tone of delicate yet deep sadness is only enhanced by the score, which gently reprises Tim's song "Bless Us All" throughout the scene. At the end, the camera slowly zeroes in on Tim's empty chair and crutch by the fireplace, as a horn plays the melody of "And in our prayers and dreams, we ask you bless us all." Making this scene even sadder is its subtext for the Muppets: the recent deaths of Jim Henson and puppeteer Richard Hunt. Kermit/Bob's "meetings and partings" speech is easily just as much about Henson and Hunt as about Tiny Tim. For that reason and others, this has my vote as the most poignant filmed version of Dickens' sad scene.

[silvanoir]

All Pain No Gain

So! Went back to the hospital to follow up on my wrists, the bracers and steroid injections only gave me back the flexibility of my fingers, didn't take away the pain, numbness and tingling.

In fact its been spreading through my whole body, there's now not an inch of me unaffected.

I waited a month for this appointment. They told me they were going to do a nerve study.

Oh no, it was just a sit-down to give me a yellow paper with some phone numbers to SCHEDULE a nerve study.... the soonest they can fit me in is NOVEMBER *screams* and this is just the study, then five days later a sit-down to DISCUSS the study, and WHEN anything will actually be DONE about my body feeling both like it is constantly being electrocuted AND constantly exhausted to the point I barely function ???? WHO KNOWS!

While I was doing that my boyfriend went to the ER because his back pain is so bad he can no longer work. They did X-rays and found he has SEVERE SPINAL DISEASE and I'm no doctor so I don't know what that means for him exactly other than it sounds REALLY BAD. The results go on to describe most of the vertebrae and discs in his back having anywhere from mild to severe deterioration.

He wanted them to actually DO something, but they won't until he sees his primary care doc, and he can't get an appointment with her until the end of the month.

Meanwhile.... he can't work. And might never be able to return to the warehouse we've both been working at. All they sent him home with is lidocaine patches and acetaminophen .... which we already have at home (he's on his second giant bottle of ibuprofen within 2 months).

Trying to find another job for him is tricky because he's got some neurological problems from a mountain biking accident years ago ... mostly affecting his time-management and ability to remember anything involving dates and time (wear a helmet, kids), ptsd (many people in his past treated him unbelievably badly, to the point I joke he was raised in a hell dimension), the mentioned back pain.... and no car.

Spent a lot of time both in the hospital and once we got home trying to hug away the misery.

I swear doctors just don't give a damn anymore.

Unless you're elderly and on medicare on top of private insurance, then they care a lot. About that sweet sweet money, that is.

My dad's doctor revealed my soon to be 88 yr old Dad has a spot of bladder cancer and AFIB, that's on top of the COPD, bloodclot in his heart, aneurysm in his stomach, and shattered spine from osteperosis ... some of which are the effects of him smoking a cigarette every ten minutes he's awake since the age of 13. He refuses treatment for all of it. He's done with life. His wife (my mother) is dead, older brothers are dead (a few younger brothers are still alive, but they are in rough shape too), favorite nephew is dead, and his friends are all dead. He can't do anything anymore except watch game shows, pretty much. He's housebound; he rolls around hunched over on a walker between 3 rooms. People keep buying him cigarettes against my wishes. Elder Protective Services and doctors keep yelling at me for being neglectful, but he's the one making the decisions not to have "care". He doesn't have dementia so he can still decide for himself.

The doctors aren't hopping up and down for the 2 middle aged people who want to live (and be able to work), but the old man who by all means shouldn't even be alive at this point and doesn't want to be, they call and beg HIM to make appointments instead of the other way around. ARRRRGGGGHHHHHH.

[savagebisand]

y'all are so funny to me over here panicking and stressing meanwhile my state of delusion runs so deep that I simply refuse to accept canon if it differs from my prediction and I predict an angry sandray makeout at the music club BABEY!! Sand ain't holding rays shirt that tight whilst ray grips tf outta him for no reason. Also these are the faces of men who are toRn between a carnal desire to claim the other and another desire to shove him away and scoff in his face. ITS DELICIOUS. like look at how desperate rays expression is, he's trying to come off fierce but it's so clear how much he needs sand to reaffirm he still wants ray. Its like his face is begging sand to hold him and dig his claws in right back and kiss him hard even as he knows sand will likely shove him off and tell him to get lost.

Sand looks like a man on the edge between desire and spite, theres this pained look like he's fighting a losing battle. It's evident part of him wants to push ray around a little and yell at how stupid and selfish he is but another part is seeing the ray he's grown to care for, seeing those hollow eyes searching over him for hope and part of sand wants to crumble and give ray what he needs. Even if ray doesn't know how bad he needs it. Sand always wants to give ray what he needs. It's something he's growing to despise in himself whilst still being unable to resist the pull of. Now personally, I could be sad and frustrated or I could sit back and enjoy the yummy angsty meal JoJo is serving me about the hold love has on us and the ugly ways it can make us act.

Look, love is often glamorised to us as this beautiful wholesome thing that always mends and completes you. And sure love is that. But narratives often neglect to present the other side of love too, it can be selfish, possessive, confusing, desperate, all consuming, jaded, frustrating. It's a breath of fresh air to finally see a show, particularly a BL at that, highlighting the complexities of catching feelings and being in love whilst still capturing the hope that lingers and the beautiful moments mixed in when you see the best in someone as well as the worst. It reminds me a lot of The Priests speech on Love from the series Fleabag:

It's in The way that by the point you see them showing an ugly side it doesn't matter because they're already beautiful to you. It makes you fight for them to show up for themselves and you, even in moments you'd rather walk away and wash your hands of it. I have no idea if they'll get their happy endings. But I know that part of the fascination of watching sandray for me is that I have been that person, unable to give up on a love against all odds because what if I never love the same way again.

Anyways strap in for today's ep everyone and good luck recovering from the emotional rollercoaster it'll take us on. Remember to drink a hot cocoa, curl under a blanket, maybe cry and scream a little but try to laugh too and remember that the point of entertainment like this is to take us on a journey. There has to be bad and fighting in the trenches before there can be light and good. The mess and damage won't be this severe on the characters till the end just for a part of the duration of their growth.

If you're feeling hopeless just keep in mind that characters like Ray and Boston can't grow emotionally and get to any place where a hopeful ending is possible unless they travel to a very low dark point first, they're going to become worst versions of themselves before they can be the best and that will hurt people around them. But I truly believe JoJo wouldn't take these characters to those points unless he was going to use it to form some self realisations and repentance. Everyone will recover eventually because that's just life, we all have to. It has been said that characters must go to uncomfortable places to start contending with truths about themselves that allow an anti hero or antagonist to become something more of a vigilante or at least a better morally good (mostly) version of themselves and as a writer I know that often is a very effective method of characterisation.

You will get through this, your favourite ship will get through this. Dissect and enjoy the journey but don't let it haunt your mind to the detriment of your own whimsy and wishful thinking. Shows are made to be excited for each week. When you start dreading if the ending you hope for can happen it's time to take a breather. Don't let it affect your experience of a character or pairing and make it a negative one! That's what fix it fic is for or shows where these actor duos do get a happy satisfactory end. JoJo may write this story a certain way but you get to choose where you think the end works for you. Love you all, stay safe out there. Happy watching!!

[scalamore]

Ch 111 - Touches

I love the body language used in these last two chapters.

In the novel, it was focused on the dialogue, so the impression is that Lari was in bed, Rupert's sitting in his chair, and they're having a heated talk from a respectable distance away lol. Meanwhile, in the manhwa, there's just so much movement and use of body language - it definitely takes advantage of the visual medium to tell it's story.

Starting off, RupeLali's eyebags - yes they're tired, exhausted. Rupert's wounded in bandages, yes he's injured. But to see him crawl onto the bed when she wakes up because he wants to get closer to her and speak to her face to face, grabbing her shoulders in panic, grabbing her hands to hold her close and not wanting to let go? Him seeing her cry so much that he wipes her tears a bit? Him looking down in despair when he lets go, hunched over, trying to compose himself?

How I see it she's the one who hugs him first, and lets go as if it's the last time, and can only watch as Rupert just knows how this is going to end and he's trying to cling on to her, but in the end both know it's the end, she can't stay by his side anymore. After that hug, she doesn't make any more attempt to get closer to him, while he's the one trying to maintain their [touch] for a bit longer.

On a slight spoilery note, we find out a bit later that he's under the impression that she hates him and his touch (because her hatred was so obvious in S1)- so that's why he doesn't touch her carelessly/excessively, so it's extra painful to know that this is a Rupert who knows he's going to lose her, so he is literally clinging on to her since this is his last chance to ;___;

This panel is particularly powerful to me. This is the first time he's grabbed her hands like this. Usually, he just yanks her to get closer or to stop her from leaving, but he can't when she's hurt, so he grabs on to her hand and is literally begging her to reconsider her decision to leave. Lari doesn't yank her hand away, but instead, Rupert is the one who lets go when he realizes he just can't say no to her wish. refer to:

They both know that Rupert's about to lose his source of light, his warmth, and it's absolutely terrible. Lari feels horrible she basically ruined Rupert's life like this, but she just can't continue with 'the lie that she cares for him'. (Again... Lari..... your feelings aren't a lie..... ;____;) Rupert feels horrible when he realizes that 'Lari did hate him this whole time' (she doesn't....) and he ruined her life by trying to keep her beside him when she doesn't belong in a political space like the palace, and how his feelings for her will make it worse, because he'll be making his fears come true - by killing her slowly with his possessiveness, just like what happened with the Crazy Emperor and Eva. So of course, he has to let Lari go :(

[awellboiledicicle]

First person to try drilling down on what Fido's deal is would be Gale, between adventuring and actually sleeping. He's limited to whatever books they can scrounge initially [as Fido is hoarding them to learn about the world they're now stuck in], but by the time they get to Baldur's Gate he's going to have some very specific queries outside of the whole Crown research thing.

First person to go "Maybe this is a warlock thing" is, naturally, Wyll. Because Fido is going to eldritch blast something in a panic and he's going to go "now hold on". Also because I imagine Mizora would think it was hilarious another warlock is making noise about his deal. They make some barbed comment to her, the magic flaring a bit, and she tuts at Wyll for consorting with 'that mean old octopus' behind her back like this. Leaves before explaining anything.

Astarion 100% believes they're lying about not knowing they're bound up with some apparently tentacled monster when it comes out. like. just thematically it feels like a thing one should know about. He's just saying that if HE had made a deal to get MAGIC INVULNERABILITY POWERS, then HE would have remembered that. They throw a handful of grass at him and he rolls his eyes.

Lae'zel still occasionally thwacks them with a random sword to see if their protection is still working. This is, she insists, a function of their friendship that she would bother doing a check at all. Deep down she just really appreciates their willingness to listen and learn from her, as well as their absolute unwillingness to take any shit from her. Thus the checking.

Shadowheart still thinks they're a little crazy, for different reasons. Initially it was because they insisted they had no idea elves were real, followed by being from 'earth', followed by their panic response being to yell insults at the enemy to make their brain explode. The warlock thing feels like they might have been lying about it--a skill they seem unnervingly good at in spite of their general honest streak--but honestly? Given how they keep tripping into being good to others, she wouldn't doubt them having been just given the ring by some sorcerer or something.

Halsin feels conflicted about Fido expressly because they have a very... dim view of nature being allowed to take its course. With people. They get along largely after Fido gets fed up and goes "you're ungodly old so you can handle sitting down and leveling with me here. I need you to understand that, where i come from, if someone looks at someone like me and says 'nature should take its course' that means 'i want you to not exist'. It means 'you are unnatural'. We're not having the same conversation when we talk about nature, here. I like the birds doing bird things and fish swimming and whatever. But sometimes nature is cruel and I am living proof that sometimes nature would destroy people and things that should exist." Basically they get along on principal but have initial complications bc Fido spent a lot of time as a chronically in pain child being told survival of the fittest wouldn't allow for them. As a queer kid being told they were unnatural. So on. So they don't actually have beef with him so much as a kneejerk reaction for a little plus the initial GODDAMNIT response when he can't help. His take on the warlock thing is largely being curious as to how that happens without ones knowledge.

Karlach meanwhile is just pissed that she can't hi-five them without it still hurting. Like their skin doesn't melt but they can still feel the sensation of heat and pressure, so it isn't pleasant. She also wants to know how one ends up in a warlock pact without knowing it because that feels like a pitfall to avoid.

Not pictured is the GOO checking in occasionally like it's reading the sunday paper like "oh they had a conversation about the nature of gods with Gale. Cute. Aww they're having cognitive dissonance about the nature of sentience after using speak with animals. Popped a man's head like a cherry. Shame, they could have interrogated that one."

[izzy-b-hands]

Still can't sleep (and I actually want to, but it just. Isn't happening yet) so I'm mulling over edizzy thoughts/fic ideas, but one in particular is sticking hard rn, like-

I sort of want to do a kind of. I don't know the right word for it right this minute, but essentially it breaks down just how close they were/are and how intertwined they are like

In a modern au it would be someone making them do what my old therapist said she sometimes had couples do when they came to her for couples therapy. Not necessarily the first thing, but sometimes among the first things, to help crack the shell open. Have them sit and list all the little things they know abt each other, and the things they find silly to remember abt the other or the endearing things/quirks/habits (that maybe have turned to fond or less fond irritation versus endearment even.) Just write it down, and take a minute or two to reflect on the trust and vulnerability required to learn some of those things abt another person, and remember why you let yourself be that trusting and vulnerable, and ask yourself if you still want/feel that sort of connection or not. One answer isn't better than the other, and it's couple dependent on which answer is the better one for them as unique individuals in a relationship unique to them.

In canon time period I'm not totally sure how I'd intro it, so that might wind up more of a 'izzy talking to jim and they wind up discussing these things he knows abt ed, meanwhile stede is doing the same thing with ed, later jim goes to stede like "dude holy shit those two HAVE to talk" and stede's just "yeah they do but i don't know what arts and crafts project to sit them down with so that they might open up enough to go over stuff. Please tell me you have craft ideas" and we end up with some eventual edizzy discussion/also maybe shared art project bc i do like the idea of that mirroring the s1 flag project' thing?

I just. Have so many little ideas for the things ed and izzy know abt each other.

Roach bemoans (in a fondly frustrated for Izzy way, not a because of Izzy way) giving Izzy massages to help him heal post gunshot wound and to just. relax for five fucking minutes. Ed's sat there in the galley snacking, thinking abt how he knows exactly which knots in Izzy's back are worst to work out, but he also knows exactly how to do that. But to tell Roach what to do for that would be an incredibly intimate and vulnerable thing both for him and Izzy and it feels warm and like home but it aches at the same time. When did he last do that for Izzy? He can't remember. He wishes he did.

Stede is fussing over trying to put together better lunches for Ed when he goes fishing with Fang (bc Roach is already making lunch for everyone else by then and has asked Stede to help out by making sure Ed's separate more easily transportable lunch is taken care of) and just. mildly losing his mind bc he can't keep sending jars of marmalade and little else (even if Ed ultimately doesn't mind that too much.) Izzy sits in the overstuffed chair in Ed and Stede's quarters and bites his tongue bc he has an entire fucking multi-course meals menu for Ed that he's memorised without even trying to over the years. But he'd feel like an ass just busting that out; Stede should have the chance to learn these things abt Ed as their relationship progresses. That was part of what made it special for Izzy and Ed, after all. They know each other's safe foods and favourite over expensive treats that they used to only have when they could steal them, and he can't shut off the flow of memories even when Stede asks him why he's tearing up during a discussion abt food.

There's so much. So many little niches. They know which parts of each other's bodies have the worst pains and aches and creaks, some from old poorly healed injuries, others from age and overuse and the way sailing and their work can be so incredibly physical some days. They know just as well how to make the other come undone underneath their hands and fingertips. Be mindful of Ed's knee and back, Izzy should take it slower when his neck and back ache (and now his leg and torso too.) If you kiss directly at the base of the back of Ed's neck while fucking him from behind, leaned over him with him on his hands and knees on the bed, he'll almost always wind up coming untouched. Holding Izzy's hands up over his head while riding him and gently teasing him to let go will at least 8 times out of 10 result in him being instantly undone and an adorably blushy mess abt it.

He could tell you exactly the sort of blankets and quilts Ed prefers between the warmer and colder months, down to designs and the sort of materials used to fill and cover them.

He knows exactly how Izzy likes his clothing to fit, even if he can't ever fucking convince Izzy to buy much of anything new, and he has fucking tried!!

On that note, they can recite each other's current measurements, blood type, allergies, phobias, and more without having to think abt it. it's as easy as breathing or being asked something abt themselves.

Only towards the end of the fic, both modern au and canon time period, do either of them pause and go

"...oh. what happened to us?" with fearful and confused tears in their eyes because it wasn't always like this. Maybe it could be more like it used to be, again. Maybe they can't entirely undo what was done to them or to each other, but they can love and care and look out for each other.

And this time, sitting sobbing and vulnerable they can let themselves admit they never stopped, the love was so interwoven in it all too that they stopped noticing it. They let it become background noise versus a pronounced and acknowledged sound special to them both (and to those who have or might share them, like Jack and Stede.) And that on its own isn't necessarily bad, being comfortable with each other and letting the love sit as it will isn't bad. But everything else going on, their own past unaddressed traumas, and the outside stresses of their lives and trying to survive turned it into something unhealthy and hurtful.

it hurts horribly to lay it all out like that. Feels like being flayed open while alive.

But the next few days after sees them able to talk again, really talk, like they used to. They can be close again and occupy that very particular space in each other's lives, while letting each other have more (ed has stede and in my mind for this fic izzy has at least three or more crew members that have been taking it slow but are absolutely down bad for him)

It's not exactly what they had before. It never will be, it can't be. And they both come to terms with that.

But it's better than what things had become, and they have time and space now to keep working on it.