#meant to answer this a couple days ago lmfao

[yuebings]

fic writer meme

thank u @fruitdaze @uhuraisgay @cairoscene @englishsub for tagging me!

How many works do you have on Ao3?

44 currently! double 4s? during MY lunar new year? i gotta change that up quick

2. What's your total Ao3 word count?

315,042 words

3. What fandoms do you write for?

my most written-for fandom is mdzs, but i don't really write for it anymore...if you look at my ao3 profile u can kinda tell i'm a sporadic one-and-done type when it comes to fic hehe no one can predict where i'll go next. my latest fandom is jujutsu kaisen!

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

so you've been robbed by a musuem

the stone-filled sea

the family-dodging bathroom-dwellers association

and his wanting grows teeth

diving blind

it's like a wangxian sweep except for the last sambucky lol

5. Do you respond to comments?

i am trying to get better at that! sometimes i don't have the energy to go through and respond to every single one but trust me when i say that seeing the wonderful comments people leave truly makes my day

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

tbh i don't think i've ever written straight-up angsty endings (or at least the way i see straight up angst). every 'bad' ending has a ray of hope in it, or at least an acceptance that like...yes, this is the way it was meant to be, and to reject the outcome would be to reject everything that came before it. sometimes things were meant to go to shit. there was no other way to go. we were doomed but at least we loved each other. i will suffer but at least i can remember you. so on so forth.

with all that said, it's a toss up between the longest journey (di feijing & lei chun), or all things in pain (wen ning character study). 'angsty' endings, if only in the way i described above

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

a lot of my happy endings aren't super-sweet happy endings per se, but rather a promise or hope that things will get better. idk what that says about me lol like maybe i have more interest in the "how to become happy" part than the actual happiness itself...? but ANYWAY i'd say the sappiest ending is i have is uhhhh feel like a brand new person (msr take edibles together) because 1) their mutual attraction is finally acknowledged 2) they're making out 3) they're high as balls. what's better than this

8. Do you get hate on fics?

not any time recently! i've rarely had negative comments before and all of them have been of such a ridiculous nature that my only response was like "lmfao ok"

9. Do you write smut?

nope! not yet, at least. maybe some time in the future i'll feel like it

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you have written?

haven't written any, don't really read them either! i keep my blorbos locked up in their separate cages. siloed.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

yes! kind of. if this counts, a couple years ago someone on wattpad stole over 100 wangxian fics (including mine) from ao3 and reposted them onto their own account without credit. we got their account taken down tho so all is well...but this is why i say in my ao3 profile that i do not allow reposts. please tell me if u ever see my work reposted anywhere........

i've also come across a fic in a diff fandom that was VERY clearly "inspired" by one of mine (lifting certain scenes and lines beat for beat) and gave no credit. so there's that as well.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

yes! it's always an honor when someone wants to translate my work :)

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

nope! my creative process is so erratic that i feel like i'd be a nightmare to co-write with, so this is probably for the better

14. What's your all time favorite ship?

this is a hard question to answer. i don't have an ultimate favorite that always stays at the top of the pile, cuz my interests change all the time! right now i'm really enjoying platonic yuuji & megumi & nobara & gojo. in terms of what i go to most often when i want a comfort re-read...finnpoe.

15. What is a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

omg. you want a DEEP CUT? i have a wip for a rarepair in an already sparse fandom...yeongshin/seobi from kingdom on netflix (the historical korean zombie drama). i LOOOOVE that show i comfort re-watch it all the time. i love their bonded-thru-trauma-frenemies healer/warrior dynamic and i have this wip going for yeongshin getting bitten and seobi developing a zombification-reversal cure through sheer willpower and spite alone........there's maybe 2k written and i was relying on a season renewal announcement to motivate me enough to get the rest of it out but uh. fellow kingdom warriors if you're out there. i think we may be losing this battle............kingdom season 3 announcement save me..............

16. What are your writing strengths?

as a haver-of-siblings, i think i do general family dynamics pretty well! someone has told me in the past that i am good at packing meaning into very few words. i also think i'm good at angsty emotional beats (i sure like writing them, at least)

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

bro if there is any action scene in my work, writing it is like pulling teeth. what do you mean he's getting hit. what do you mean i have to think of an interesting way to describe punch #1 and punch #2 and punch #3. STOPPPPPPPP I CANT DO THIS.

in terms of technique i used to struggle with this thing where i NEED to perfect the writing i'm working on before i can move on. like i'd waste huge amounts of time rewriting a three sentence paragraph over and over and over again until it was perfect before i could move onto the next scene. i'm getting a lot better with that tho!

18. Thoughts of writing dialogue in another language in fics?

i've never done it myself, like, full on written-in-a-diff-lang dialogue, but i think it's cool as long as context clues/some form of translation is provided. and if proper research is done if the writer isn't a native speaker

19. First fandom you wrote for?

the man from uncle (2015). lol. napollya could have won in an alternate universe where armie h@mmer wasn't a piece of shit

20. Favorite fic you have written?

HOO. i gotta say it's my sambucky ghost fic the boy who cried ghost. it's by far my longest fic (even tho it isn't actually very long compared to others ive seen LOLLLL) and it took me AGES to write and ended up being quite personal!! part of the reason it took me so long to finish was bc i couldn't bear to write about sam struggling with grief/guilt when i was also going through something similar, so when i finally got around to writing the moment of catharsis i kinda felt like i was helping myself, too! which was a very interesting experience, and definitely served to lodge this fic in my heart forever and ever. it's not exactly popular but i'm proud of it :)

tagging @tantai-jin @bluecrystalrainingdaggers @vinelark and anyone else who wants to participate!

[midnight-omega]

World Basics

Heeyyy yall I decided to kick off this blog by answering some worldbuilding questions posted awhile ago by pheonixwaller

I'm gonna break them up by heading and post them as i go!

Also this is my world and my opinions so like if ur own omegaverse doesn't follow this or you don't agree or do the things i say i dislike its all good its not meant to hurt you we're all just having fun here and we like different kinds of soda :))

Let's go under the cut !

Let’s start with the world in general. 

What are the overall population ratios? Are alphas and omegas common or rare? Are the ratios stable or does your world have decreasing numbers of alphas/omegas?

I always flip flop on this question tbh

I think the three dynamics are all pretty equally balanced. I always see worlds where betas are way more common than alphas or omegas but then all the world building and all their plots focus on the alphas and omegas. Not to bash this kind of world, like do whatever makes u feel good, but it never made sense to me why a beta majority world would cater to the other two dynamics so hard. It also doesn’t make sense to me when a lot of stereotypical betas read very ace/aro to me and the only ones making babies are the other two. Like… but then how would a majority beta world reproduce? Again this is mostly aimed at the au’s overused stereotypes and obvi there are more dynamic set ups of beta majority worlds but personally I never got it.

So, I think it makes sense that there’s a fairly equal distribution. Sometimes it maybe shifts with time so one is more majority than the others but it always kind of balances back out. I don’t really like thinking about the genetics that deeply either like the whole oh a beta alpha couple couldn’t have an omega child bc blah blah blah like anyone can have anyone idc :>

I will say tho ! I do headcanon female alphas and male omegas to be rather rare with a lot of stereotypes, sexualizing, and discrimination around them. I do have a reason for this but I think that's a different post bc it has a lot to do with like fake human history and fake evolution LMFAO

Can women be alphas, can males be omegas? Can male omegas father children and can women alphas bear? Can betas have children?

Yes and yes! Female alphas and male omegas do in fact exist.

Alpha females cannot conceive in my verse and nor can male omegas father children. Once upon a time they could, but not in modern times. Again this is like a whole evolution thingy I thought up which deserves its own post lol. 

Betas can have children! As long as one partner has a vulva and one has a penis :>

Are there certain physical characteristics that people associate with one secondary or another? Ex: Heavily muscled alphas or soft omegas?

Alphas are stereotyped to be tall and muscular. Omegas are stereotyped to be short, dainty, and soft. Betas get to own their bodies tbh, they don’t have many physical stereotypes. Maybe lean betas, but I wouldn’t say that it's super prominent. 

However, these are not universally true at all. I personally hate the all alphas are huge and love sports and all omegas are under 5 foot and don’t move worldbuilding. Bodies of all dynamics are just as diverse as in irl. These beauty standards and stereotypes exist, however, and are just as destructive as irl ones and do just as much harm to alphas and omegas who don’t look like the posters they see trying to sell them bras or sneakers.

How often do heats/ruts occur on average? Can omegas only get pregnant during a heat or anytime?

Heats occur once every two months although it’s not uncommon for them to occur less frequently or more frequently based on diet and stress levels (exactly like an irl period tbh). Heats last 4-6 days on average, but ofc they can be shorter or longer depending on the person.

Ruts occur about once a month, but same as heats they can be less regular depending on a lot of external factors. Ruts only last about a day and it can be cause for concern if they last longer than that. 

Once mated cycles will tend to sync, although it may take a few months, though they will not be shorter or less severe. 

A beta heat/rut (again smth that deserves its own post lol) doesn’t occur unless they’re mated to an alpha/omega respectively. Their cycles sync to their mates, but their heats/ruts tend to be very short compared to an alpha or omega.   

Omegas and vulva having betas can get pregnant at any time. Omegas are just waaayy more fertile during heat, so pregnancy is almost a guarantee, while compared to out of heat it’s just a chance depending on where they are in their cycle.

How long do heats/ruts last?

Jumped the gun on explaining that one didn’t I oops. To reiterate a heat lasts about 4-6 days with the first 2 days being more gentle preheat like symptoms. The third, fourth, and fifth days are like the heat heat you think of this is when they’re fertile and slick coated and ready to fuck and crampy and tired and sick. The last day or two is like a wind down for the body and the omega is usually just very tired and lethargic. They may also eat a lot to regain strength now.

A rut only lasts a day. An alpha will probably feel irritable and confrontational the day before, and can knot the day of. If a rut lasts longer than two days it is recommended to seek medical help as the body starts to strain and inappropriately allocate resources after too long. Alphas just aren’t built for the long haul like omegas are!

Are mating bites a one-and-done, or can new mates be taken with new bites?

I’m always a little unsure about mate questions.

I think a person can be mated more than once but it’s not a matter of like oh new person bit me old person is erased, it doesn’t work like that. A mating bite is a very serious thing as it creates a dependency to the people involved. This kind of pheromonal and chemical dependency just isn’t erased when a new flavor is introduced. In order to have one mate erased the bond needs time to fade. Unfortunately this time period can be long and extremely difficult especially for bonds that have lasted a long time. It’s like severe withdrawal that often requires outside help and medical attention. Not only can it be physically draining but it can cause severe depression and even suicide. Think irl withdrawal symptoms. It’s an addiction and you have to beat it. 

That’s why it’s not recommended to mate before you’re very very sure you’re ready. It can be erased and you can mate again, but is it worth the pain?

What about kids? Do omega bodies reject sex/children for anybody but their bonded mates?

An omega can be impregnated by anyone. There’s not really… much else to say here lol. Egg meet sperm, doesn’t matter who’s.

Is there an emotional/psychic connection for bonded mates?

No. 

When you’re mated to a person you can sort of…smell whatever pheromones they’re emitting to a more specific emotions (a stranger might smell upset but your mate will smell depressed or stressed or distraught). So in a way you can read their emotions much much better, but it’s not psychic and it’s not something you can feel from ten miles away nor is it fool proof!

Can bonding bites be anywhere, or are they required to be on the neck?

Mating bites must be on the neck as the scent glands here are the strongest, most sensitive ones. These ones kinda dominate all the other ones and are in charge of distributing all those good scent chemicals everywhere else. When mixing a scent with another person, aka mating, it needs to be at the control center not at one of the side branches! A bite on the wrist or thigh will feel nice and smell for awhile but it won’t create the dependency a proper mating bite on the neck will. 

Is there anything special about how bonding works? Venoms? Ceremonies? Do they have to consummate within a certain timeframe?

So I kinda talked about it in the other two but to me it's an addiction to another person’s scent and the pheromones in their saliva. You will crave them. The way the smell yes, but also something very carnal that you can’t exactly place. That’s the saliva! The spit is also what will change the scent of the person to compliment their mate’s more. Scents are still unique but you can tell when someone’s been mated or not. This addiction and need for another person can be broken but it’s difficult.

Mating bites will need to be refreshed or they’ll fade and trigger a withdrawal. But healthy mates will crave the bites anyway and refresh on their own accord !

Mating ceremonies usually involve the entire pack/s. They’re large parties and no expense is spared. The bite itself, however, is a private affair. The public affairs and what they entail depend on the culture and religions of the packs involved. A pack following a paganistic lunar cult will probably celebrate under a full or new moon. A buddhist pack might partake in group meditations and light incense together. A catholic one will involve a priest and vows to god. A demon cult might shed blood! While atheist packs probably just have a big elaborate party. Since my world combines made up religions and real world ones the variety is very large!

Timeframe again kinda depends on the people, packs, culture, and religions involved. For example a more freeform relaxed kinda pack might be chill with letting their members mate before even having the ceremony! Whereas a conservative Catholic one would Not accept such a thing at all. Mate bites come AFTER the declaration to god thank you very much!

Think about anatomy. Do omegas have cloaca? Is it only male omegas who have cloaca, or do female omegas have two wombs? Do female alphas have enlarged bits to deliver seed?

Whew this is a hotly contested one.

I’ve toyed with intersex male omegas and female alphas. I’ve played with boy pussies and the idea can be very fun but for this world I think I’m gonna have to stick with the butt babies sorry yall.

Ofc it has to make sense and be sanitary tho so… they’re not really butt babies.

I am in favor of a cloaca and valve system. The vagina doesn’t open into the anus like ive seen in some mock diagrams (do yall want poop in ur vag?), they don’t even share the same entryway perse. It’s like a valve that closes one side when the other is in use. Arousal opens the entryway to the vagina, having to take a dump opens the anus. The tissue here is also way way way more elastic than your average anus allowing for birth with minimal tearing. 

Female omegas only have one womb, there’s biologically no need for two.

I’m in favor of the retractable penis option for female alphas. I want them to be able to give a good dicking down same as their male counterparts :>

Are chances of being an alpha or omega random, or do alpha/omega pairs have greater chances of similar children? Can people breed for better chances of one or the other?

I like it to be random! Maybe something you’re exposed to in the womb that can change or smth like that idk. I just don’t really like thinking out the ratios and who can have what babies, it’s not fun for me personally. I mean irl sex is random so why not all these too? Maybe sperm decides the secondaries as well as primary idk!

Are birth control, heat/rut suppressants, and scent suppressants common, unavailable or illegal on a worldwide basis?

So it kinda depends on the level and what you’re trying to achieve!

Scent suppressants and blockers are very common and sold over the counter as pills, patches that go over the scent glands, or as perfumes/colognes. 

Birth control is also fairly easy to get. Condoms both with and without extra room for knots are available at any pharmacy or convenience store. Female condoms and iuds are a thing for female betas and omegas (these aren’t common for male omegas due to anatomy differences). Birth control pills are also available but these are prescription and come with the typical irl side effects. I will say in conservative, traditionalist packs the pill is kinda frowned upon if taken by omegas since yk they’re supposed to be pregnant.

Heat and rut suppressants… it depends. Very mind symptom relievers can be bought over the counter, but these are very ineffective and just kinda like.. Help with cramps or mood stability. If an individual has a severe rut or heat a doctor can prescribe a suppressant to either reduce the severity/longevity of one, or reduce how often they happen. A rut or heat still occurs on these pills but they’re very manageable. Medications that completely block a heat or rut are illegal as they can have severe consequences. There is a black market for these products and it’s not as hard to find a dealer as authorities make it seem…

Is omega trafficking a problem?

I think it happens and there’s def like awareness campaigns about it the way there are about human and sex trafficking in our world, but it’s not something like extremely rampant and on the radar of most common people. 

Are there power structures based on secondary gender? Are omegas oppressed? Are alphas required to do anything near ruts to prevent violence?

In a traditionalist society the alpha is the top of the food chain. They’re the leaders. Omegas are at the bottom and are expected to be homemakers and childrearers. Betas are kinda like viking women. They can move up and down the rungs as they please. Leader position? Cool just don’t usurp the reigning alpha. Wanna have kids? Cool have fun at home.

There are echos of this in some modern cultures, packs, and religions, however everyday society is slowly moving away from this kind of structure. Stereotypes still exist and are still forced on people, but perhaps not to the same extent.

Omegas are not oppressed, but if they come from a traditionalist pack they may feel forms of oppression even though they are generally okay in society at large.

Alphas were never expected to contain ruts, though sometimes radical campaigns and proposals do throw this idea out there…

Think of famous historical figures. How would they have landed on your gender scale? Was Queen Elizabeth I an alpha? What about Helen of Troy? These historical figures can lead to modern modes of thought. 

Hmm… I think a lot of male leader figures were alphas. I think a lot of female leader figures were probably betas. Religious figures rarely have gender assigned to them to prevent bickering within the religion. Imagine if Jesus of Nazareth was an omega like nah they refuse to disclose that with the goal of making him relatable to all. 

I think in general a lot of historical figures where the secondary gender was known (not sure if Homer would have stated that about Helen of Troy yk? Idk if anyone knew what the fuck Sejong was yk? Like history as a smth we study is very very very new and things just weren’t written down!) they followed their stereotypes. Leader and military alphas, caretaker an activist omegas, business oriented betas. There’s also the very strong possibility that some figures faked their gender to get them there. What if Stalin was an omega? Would the Soviet Union have accepted him if he was? Probably not! 

So even though we are breaking down these harmful stereotypes in this modern day setting, that doesn’t mean we don’t have a long history of pain to unravel. 

What about religion? How has religion handled the secondarys?

!!! Depends on the religion !! I have a super catholic character in the story I'm building this world for so that's the religion I've focused most on. I also made up a little pagan cult for another character so I know about that one too! They honestly deserve their own posts tbh. 

Ultimately at least with Catholicism a lot of it remains very unchanged. Replace women with womb haver and man with seed bearer in any religious text and you basically have it down and accounted for all 6 genders! It’s not too hard to fit religions into omegaverses tbh

I’ll probably make a separate post about my religions later tho

Are/were arranged marriages the norm?

They were the norm and still are the norm in traditionalist societies and packs. Often the head omega of the pack is tasked with pairing off the children either within the pack (if it’s large enough) or with packs closely aligned to them.

Now a lot of the time it’s more left on the individuals themselves they court and mate. Some packs do pressure their members to mate but the person they do is up to them.

When do people learn what they are outside of medical testing? Are they born with a mark or secondary specific trait, or is it a mystery until they present or not?

I always go back and forth on this!!

See in a modern setting like you’d be able to tell what kind of reproductive organs your child has. Yes even between an alpha male and a beta male (there would be evidence of the ability to knot). Maybe not between omega female and beta female tho that one is harder….

But it’s also just more fun sometimes to have it where no one knows! For drama and character purposes I think for this universe I’m going to have it be a total surprise until they go through puberty at about eh like 12-14ish. I think people would have hunches though. Like smells and behaviors can probably clue at least parents and teachers in pretty quickly but kids are literally dumb and oblivious and the kid that always nests will probably be thunderstruck to be an omega even tho it was fucking obvious to everyone else. 

Not to say there aren’t real surprises because I’m sure there are…

Military: Historically are any genders or secondarys not allowed to participate in the military? Are female alphas allowed? What about male omegas?

Tbh I don’t really think about this much? Just not smth that interests me but I imagine the military was an alpha only thing for awhile but included betas bc numbers. For fun tho lets say that omega’s are still not really allowed in. Like you can fight for it but they’re gonna make it hard.

[averagemrfox]

For the dnd ask game, 8, 28, and 21. (Memorable nat 20, nat 1, and a mini you've painted)

8. I play a ranger/rogue with a Oathbow and got a nat20 with my sneak attack, hunters mark, on my sworn enemy while using sharpshooter. So total it was 2d8 and 24d6 + 10 from sharpshooter and + 5 from dex. My dm had to make it a fight with multiple phases bc I did so much damage

OH! Also! Same character who can never make a successful charisma based check to save their life (see the next question lol) rolled 2 nat 20 performance checks in a row to pass themself off as a bard and got a noble wizard girlfriend out it (also I killed her husband but she was into it)

28. It was less about the first nat 1 and more about the three more terrible rolls after that were a result of the nat 1. But I rolled the nat 1 on a charisma save then used all 3 luck points to try and succeed.

21. Have three minis! That’s Wesley Sparrow (rogue/paladin) Robbie Houdin (wizard) and Little Sparrow (monk)

[babyboibucky]

Should’ve Known Better

Pairing: EB!Frank x Reader

Summary: You should have known better than to sleep with a friend.

Word Count: 3.3k

Warnings: Smut, FWB set-up, a little bit of toxic shit, angst

A/N: Frank got the most votes when I asked which other Seb character I should write for, so here it is! This is very personal to me lmfao it’s somewhat based on my own experience that really fucked me up a couple of years ago aksncajscna no but for real, stay away from the friends with benefits kind of relationship if you can’t keep shit purely sexual lmao also some guys are just fucking assholes even if they’re your friend lol

ALSO, I tagged those who are in my Everything Bucky Tag List. I’m not sure if I’ll write more Frank in the future too so I won’t be creating a separate tag list for him yet.

MAIN MASTERLIST

"Do you love me?"

It was a simple question that was supposed to make you think. Given your experiences and your personality in general, you were supposed to cringe and ignore it. Maybe even make a joke out of it, especially that it was Frank who was asking you this question.

He wasn't supposed to ask it too. He wasn't one to ask such thing, not especially with the relationship that the both of you have. It was clear from the get go that this was nothing serious.

So why was he asking it now?

And why did you respond to it right away, as if you knew your answer even before he asked?

-

"Come on, it'll be fun."

You should've said no. You should have known better.

"I'll make you feel good, you won't regret this."

It did feel good, you were going to give Frank that. Possibly the best, even. But the latter part? You weren't so sure. Were you regretting it? Honestly, no.

Maybe not yet.

You'd rather not think about it for now.

"What's there to lose? We know each other too much to develop feelings anyway, you said so yourself."

Oh there's plenty to lose. Maybe a decade's worth of platonic (was it really platonic from the beginning though?) friendship. Your self-esteem was on the line too, but you didn't know it yet. You'll get there though, whether you like it or not.

"I'm free next Friday, come over. Spend the night with me. What do you say?"

You should've said no. You should have known better.

"Next Friday. I'll see you, okay?"

You should've said no. You should have known better.

"Ugh, fine."

But you said yes because you didn't know any better.

-

That first night with Frank was something else. It was fun and he kept his promise to make you feel good. So, so good. You never thought that sex could be that fucking good. At least, not with your previous partners. Not that you had many in the first place.

But god, Frank knew what he was doing and he loved doing things to you. He loved the entire process of knowing your body, what you liked and what you loved. How you liked to be kissed and touched and fucked.

He studied your body like his fucking life depended on it and you let him. You let him own your body because you needed someone to. You needed to feel something, wanted to have a purpose even for just a short while, even if it meant being someone's fuck buddy.

You felt lost for the longest time, but as you laid on Frank's bed with his tongue lapping up your cunt, you actually felt like you belonged somewhere.

-

You weren't a booty call, definitely not. And when things escalated between the both of you, Frank was already single and had broken off with his recent girlfriend, Daphne. You weren't a doormat nor a side chick. Frank had been your friend for the longest time, one of your closest actually. He knew you the best and not just physically. Frank knew the darkest parts of you the same way you knew him like the back of your hand. He was the most open to you, he said so himself.

"I don't know what I'd do without you." he told you one time.

Frank wasn't afraid to show you his true colors; how he wasn't the kind to settle for one or how he would often end up with someone immature or toxic. He himself was toxic and for the most part, you tolerated him.

That was the mistake on your part.

You let him be himself, that's why you held a special place in his heart. Not even his past girlfriends could get rid of you. You were untouchable.

"Are you sure she's fine with us going out?" you asked Frank one time, as the both of you headed to the movies.

He scoffed, "Yeah, don't worry. I already told her you're my best friend. You're off limits." he chuckled as he placed his hand on the small of your back, guiding you inside the cinema.

"You're fine." he reassured again, this time wrapping his arm around your shoulder and then cradling your head playfully.

-

Looking back, you sometimes ponder whether the friendship was really platonic. You were sure of it when the both of you first became friends; he was a couple of years older than you. You sort of looked up to him like an older brother for the first few years of your relationship. And he was very caring too, always looking out for you.

Your other friends were the first one to notice the closeness. They often told you that Frank seemed to have a thing for you. You brushed it off though, saying that it was impossible.

His girlfriend then was an acquaintance of yours. She was nice and wasn't bothered by how Frank was affectionate towards you.

Indeed, you were untouchable. You were the best friend after all.

-

"We fought again."

You rolled your eyes at Frank as he sat across from you at a local coffee shop near your place. It was your birthday and as always, you spent the most part of it with Frank.

It was like a tradition already, to celebrate your birthday with Frank first before you went out with your friends. Or even family. It was that kind of friendship.

"I'm sorry but who are we talking about again?" you joked.

Frank made a face, "Daphne." he responded. "I just told you about her like, two days ago."

You snickered, "I was kidding. But honestly though, you have to stop flirting with other girls. It's been really difficult for me to keep track of your record, Frank. And are you and Daphne even official?" you asked, taking a sip from your cold brew.

He rubbed his chin and shrugged, "Sorta. Well, we were official two weeks ago. Now though, I'm not so sure. Here's the thing, Daphne can be really..." he said, trying to search for the right words.

You hummed and shook your head, "Immature?" you said and mindlessly scrolled through your phone.

"You should really stop dating girls who are immature, Frank. I swear to god, this is like...I don't know, the fifth time you dated someone like her? Why don't you settle for someone who actually acts her age?" you blurted out.

Frank groaned and transferred to the seat next to you, his body facing yours and his hand landing on your thigh. You didn't mind, didn't think it was too touchy or intimate for someone who was in a relationship. It was pretty common for Frank to be this touchy with you anyway, you never paid much attention to it nor given it any malice.

"We fought because of you actually." Frank admitted with an apologetic smile.

Your head snapped towards him, a scowl etched on your face. "What did I do?!" you asked in defense.

"It was my fault. Daph saw your photo inside my wallet." he said.

"You should really throw away that photo. Jesus, why do you still have it anyway?" you complained.

Frank scoffed, "That's my favorite photo of you. I don't wanna get rid of it."

That was the last day that you considered your friendship with Frank platonic.

-

Come over

I miss u xoxo

Miss eating u out

Miss ur moans, wanna hear them again

You groaned at the continuous notifications that flooded your phone. While you were at work. After that first night with Frank, he had gotten extra clingy. No lies though, it felt nice to be wanted like this.

im free nxt Sat

Yay

Cant wait to see u, missed u a lot

dude, we were at the mall together just last wk

U really dont get attached do u?

Frowning at Frank's reply, you honestly didn't understand what he was implying.

what u mean?

Nothing

Work kept you busy for the entire week, with Frank bombarding you with sweet texts. You've avoided being sweet with him, it felt wrong. You weren't an affectionate person but Frank was, it was sort of one-sided. It wasn't a big deal anyway.

No one from the rest of your friends knew what had become of your friendship with Frank. You just thought it wasn't something that should be revealed. It was like your and Frank's little secret. You had to admit, the thrill only made the sex better.

Whenever the both of you went out with other people, the tension was there and it was fun. It was fun trying to brush off the way Frank's hand would steal touches from your waist, or how he'd subtly squeeze your thigh. The looks you exchanged from across the room; how Frank's "fuck me" eyes were meant for you and only you.

Things like that made you feel a certain type of way. But you never dwelled on it, or at least, you thought you didn't.

-

"Yeah, fuck...just like that, baby."

Frank's fingers dug deeply into the skin of your ass as he guided your hips. You gripped onto the back of the couch as you bounced on his cock, head thrown back from pleasure as Frank suckled one of your nipples. You could feel each of his fingers pressing down against your skin, it's probably going to leave bruises again.

"Frank, shit. I'm close." you panted against the skin of his neck, your arms wrapping around his shoulders and pulling him close.

Frank grunted and took your face in between his palms, forcing you to look at him as he began to thrust his hips upwards, eliciting a high-pitched whimper from you.

"Wanted to see you like this ever since." he breathed out, pressing his lips against your open mouth.

"Wanted you since we met, d'you know that?" he asked, grabbing a fistful of your hair and tugging your head back so he could nibble on your throat.

You shook your head and gripped his shoulders, nails scratching at his skin as you continued to ride his cock, "God, Frank...so close." you moaned.

You felt Frank's lips curl into a smirk against your neck, his fingers gripping your hair to keep you in place as his other hand slipped in between your bodies, finding your clit and rubbing it to help you reach your climax.

Every single time he touched you, you felt like your entire body was on fire. You felt the most alive, the most free whenever Frank fucked you. Maybe because he was truly gifted in bed or maybe he just knew your body and how to make it sing.

Or maybe it was because of the way he looked at you whenever you fall apart for him. Like he only had eyes for you, like it was only you that he could see.

Sweaty bodies and hoarse voices, the smell of smoke and sex lingering in the air. It was such a familiar ambiance by now. You liked how the aftermath of fucking Frank was never awkward, if any, it was a comfortable experience with the both of you just talking casually about how each other's day went.

"So I'm talking to this girl..." Frank said, turning you around so he could spoon you. Oh, the irony of the intimacy and conversation.

"Where'd you meet this girl?" you asked.

"Tinder." Frank snorted before pressing a kiss on your nape. "No, but she's different. I don't know, there's something about her."

You merely hummed in response.

"Think I might ask her out."

The first sting. The first realization. The first denial.

You should've said no. You should've known better.

-

The art exhibit wasn't a flop, but you wouldn't call it a success either. When you got a call from the organizer asking whether they can include your paintings in the exhibit, you said yes instantly. What can you say? You were a struggling artist who was seeking validation.

But now that you stood in front of your works with barely ten people attending the one-day exhibit, you thought that this wasn't a validation. It felt like a wake up call that maybe, art wasn't your calling and that you should probably give up on your dream.

"These are amazing."

You were on the verge of breaking down when you heard his voice. Turning around, you were surprised to see Frank. He was nodding his head as he approached you, his eyes scanning each of your painting.

"What are you doing here? I thought you had work." you asked.

Frank gave you a face, "Did you really think I'd miss out on your first exhibit?" he said and pulled you into a warm embrace.

"I'm proud of you." he whispered before kissing the crown of your head.

One validation from Frank was all it took for the walls to crumble down. He was the one who had been there for you all along and that was why you completely trusted him.

Frank will never hurt you, he'll never bring you down.

Or so you thought.

-

"Do you love me?"

It was a question that was supposed to make you think. But you didn't, because even before Frank decided to ask you that, you already had your answer.

You knew your answer for the longest time now, but decided to lock it into a box that you kept in the deepest part of your heart. It remained there unbothered and almost forgotten, up until this point.

That's why it was so easy for you to respond to it without even batting an eye.

"Yes."

It was too late when you realized that you had just admitted that you were in love with Frank. But you felt like it was the right time for you to bring out the key to that box, open it and just set your truth free.

They said that the truth will set you free, but why does it feel like it only imprisoned you?

"Shit, I was kidding." Frank said, his face panicked and body stiff from your unexpected admission.

Before you could even say something, Frank let out a nervous laugh as he ran his hand through his locks. "Wow, I didn't...are you serious?" he asked again.

It took you everything to brush off the pain, "Yeah, but it's no big deal. Come on." you shook your head and forced out a breathy chuckle.

Frank heaved out a deep sigh, "Fuck, I was messing with you. Are you sure it's fine? I mean, would this change anything?" he asked.

You deadpanned, "No, Frank. It wouldn't change anything. Like I said, get over it. It's not like I'm in love with you. I just love you...if that makes sense? You're my friend." you explained, more like lied.

"Look, it's not like I'm unattracted to you. I like you, I like spending time with you. It's just that I sort of don't see myself committing to you."

It didn't sink in to you immediately, Frank's statement. You didn't pay it any mind because again, you knew Frank. He wasn't one to commit so that was fine, you understand where he was coming from. It's not like you were going to force yourself on him too. But then you accidentally glanced at his phone and saw the messages he'd been exchanging with a certain someone.

When r u coming home?

In a little while, Daph

That night, Frank's statement hit you like a ton of bricks but again, you chose to deny what you actually felt. It's fine.

You're fine.

-

You should've said no. You should've known better.

Those words rang in your ears on the day that you found out. Your body turned cold, your vision blurred and your head spun. You'd never experienced hurt and anger like this, the kind that consumed you.

The kind that made you realized and admit that fuck, you'd truly fallen for Frank only for him to break your heart.

It didn't help that you were having such a terrible day at work. And Frank was so sweet to ask you whether you wanted to meet up with him. Not for sex, but to talk. The sex came rarely recently and was replaced with wholesome trips to the grocery, shit like that.

You knew there was something special going on. Even after he told you that he didn't see himself being with you, there was something.

Apparently, that something was just an assumption. Because when you asked Frank to meet you up that night, he said he couldn't and needed to be somewhere. That he'd meet with you the next day instead, a promise.

But then you saw him post a photo of him and Daphne. And it made your blood boil.

u back together?

No. Not really, been trying to fix it but u know how it is.

if ur trying to fix it with her then im out, frank

Wait what? Hey, are u mad?

r u fucking serious? u knew i love u and u come here parading ur ex, what the fuck is that all abt?

Shit, hey. Look, let's talk later, okay? Im out, will txt u when Im free.

Frank didn't text you back for the rest of the day.

-

You should've said no. You should've known better. But you said yes because you didn't know any better.

Were you regretting it? Yes. Sometimes.

You didn't know which hurt the most, the fact that Frank kept you in the dark while he was trying to patch things up with his ex, or that he considered you his best friend and still chose to break your heart.

He knew you the best, your relationship and trust issues and out of all the people, he really had to be the one to fuck you up the most. You trusted him so much, trusted him not to hurt you. Hell, if he doesn't want to commit then that's fine. But for him to treat you like a second option? Fuck that.

For him to confuse you with his actions, the intimacy...were all of those even real? All the times he came to your support when you had no one, when he was there for you on days you felt alone. What were those? He made you feel so fucking special, like it was possible to actually turn the friendship into something more than just fucking.

All this time you thought it was one-sided because you never actually showed Frank how much you meant to him the same way he did to you. Turned out that it was one-sided, but only because you were the only one who fell.

The following day, you received a voicemail from Frank. You pondered whether you were ready to listen to it but at the same time, you wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. It was pretty stupid, he fucked you up and there was no excuse for that. But the friendship you had with him had a strong hold on you.

"Look, I'm sorry I didn't tell you. That was my mistake." he started off. "I thought that this was really just sex and having fun, but I want you to know that I like you. I really do, you're special to me. Please give me a chance to make things right. Daph and I...I want to end things with her. Please stay, I don't know what I'd do without you."

“I just didn’t expect that you’d end up falling for me, I mean shit. You know the real me, how fucked up I am when it comes to relationships. Just please...please stay?”

Did you stay? Sort of. But you kept your distance, didn't meet up with Frank after that and only responded to his texts occasionally. Did he end things with Daph?

He didn't.

He said he would but instead, they got back together.

It was fucking selfish of Frank to ask for you to stay only for him to get back together with his ex. It'd be better for him to just slap you in the face then.

Being told that he couldn't see himself committing to you but then going back with his ex was the cherry on top. God, if that didn't mess up with your self-worth.

You totally stopped talking to Frank, ignored his texts and calls. You stayed away from him, tried to get over him and eventually, you did. But you'd be lying if you said that he never left an effect on you. Because he did, Frank did a number on you and it would take you a long fucking time to completely recover from the damage he inflicted on you.

You should've said no. You should've known better. But you said yes because you didn't know any better.

And that's okay, because there's nothing wrong with taking risks and ending up in heartbreak.

You live, you love and you learn.

-

Everything Bucky Tag List:

@ddowii​ @jessou893​ @stealapizzamyheart​ @bagelofthelord​ @mxnt​ @dontputyourfckingdrinkonmytable @jeeperky​ @ohladymacbeth​ @wildflowergubler​ @supraveng​ @twinerd14​ @buckysmar @bakugouswh0r3​ @sweetcoldharmony @wintersfilm​ @charminivy​ @amelia-song-pond​ @iamvalentinaconstanza​ @mcubqrnes @i’m-squished @tcc-gizmachine​ @sipsteacasually​ @prettyintopeerpressure​ @weloveyasmin​ @est19xxshit​ @bloodhon3yx​ @dressed-in-prada​ @lizette50​ @thatfangirl42​ @sunflowerbunny2​ @unmagically​ @okiegirl24​ @sugarpunch-princess​ @enlyume​ @vvipgotbb @slimeyderp​ @lyoongx​ @just-deka​ @nobody-will​ @jaziona92 @elisebuitron​ @dpaccione​ @suvikamahes98blr​ @buckybarneshairpullingkink​ @earthtonav @x-judyjude-x​ @nani-kenobi @just-here-to-escape-from-reality @belladonnabarnes​ @iloveangstposts​ @weenersoldierr​ @asemistablehundredyearoldman​ @reidbuck​ @lizzarooni​ @girlfriday007​ @bonkywobble​ @lost-in-the-stars03​ @its-yasbxtch​ @whoth3hellisbucky​

[ushidoux]

Look at Me, Senpai - Hinata x Reader x Daichi (Pt. 5)

Summary: Reader starts to see Hinata in a different light once he returns from Brazil. It turns out Hinata’s inability to give up isn’t just something restricted to the court. (~2.3k words)

Warnings: fem!reader, nsfw, infidelity, a touch of the yandere

A/N: Thank you for reading thus far! Hopefully this is a satisfying ending and if not, idk what to tell you lmfao. Get some tissues? Idk. This is the end ; n;

Part 1|| Part 2 || Part 3 || Part 4

---

Daichi never told you to leave. In fact, he didn’t tell you anything. He had no words left for you, it seemed. 

You ended up staying despite feeling like an unwanted guest in your own home, the home you had made together, entering the bathroom only to brush your teeth and rummaging through your closet to pick out a spare blanket and pillow to sleep on the couch.

Daichi would have never let you sleep on the couch, not even for a second before tonight, but when you cozied up against a spare pillow, your face tight with dried tears, he didn’t afford you a second glance before closing the door and locking it tight.

You found yourself staring at that door almost the entire night.

You weren’t exactly sure that it was even right for you to stay under the same roof after how you had hurt him, you were something foul, something tainting this once loving, safe environment. But where else would you go? What would leaving mean to Daichi after all that had just transpired?

Walking out the door would mean you’d just committed to your decision to leave him. Whether it was for Hinata or for yourself, it was all the same to Daichi. You had to stay, if only because you were responsible for fixing your mistake. You had to account, somehow, for years of your life given solely to him.

Never mind that it was clear that you were thinking more about duty than about your love for him. Never mind that as you tossed and turned throughout the night, the thought of whether or not Hinata had safely made it home and/or if he would ever forgive you continued to wreak havoc on your psyche.

You didn’t sleep a wink that night, keeping your phone just close enough to you that you would be able to answer if he called, and just far enough that you wouldn’t be tempted to call him.

How awful were you.

…

The next morning, you roused to the sound of the bedroom door unlocking. Disoriented and sore from the discomfort of a sofa not exactly meant for overnight company, you untangled yourself from covers, meeting Daichi’s hesitant gaze. He looked almost as wrecked as you imagined that you appeared, and from the dark circles underlining his puffy eyes, you could tell he’d probably slept just as little as you.

“Daichi…,” his name faded in your throat as he broke eye contact to the sound of your voice, and walked away from where he stood to walk to the kitchen.

Suddenly the short distance between the living room to the kitchen seemed insurmountable. You stayed in place as you heard him rummage a little too loudly and make himself a bowl of cereal. You waited for what seemed like forever, trying to come up with something to say, somehow, to explain the fact that you’d reduced him to nothing when all he’d done was build you up. 

He ate quietly while you tried to develop the strength to walk towards him, and time passed imperceptibly. You heard the water running as he rinsed his plate once he finished.

When he re-emerged from the kitchen, he stood again, locking eyes with you, his eyes no longer sad but stern with a slight furrow of his eyebrow. His jaw clenched and he made a couple steps towards you, stopping a safe distance away from you. One that was safe for him.

In a voice that started off small, and restarted to be clear and assertive, he made certain that whatever you had was unsalvageable. 

“You may keep the ring, ___-san, but I think it’s best if we don’t see each other anymore.”

---

Hinata took a long look at himself in the mirror, probably long-needed. The spot where Daichi had struck him had swelled overnight, but he was overall unscathed, at least physically.

He couldn’t say he hadn’t expected this to happen; if there was anything he had grown out of was ignoring consequences to actions. He just hadn’t cared enough to fear them. He knew it would be a long shot for you to choose him from the very beginning, and the truth was, from the very moment, he saw you walk in, hand in hand with Daichi, he had been shook to his very core. 

You were still as beautiful and as warm as he remembered you. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, and this was absolutely true, in every sense of the word when it came to you.

He’d expected his crush to fade after you’d rejected him with a laugh and a pat on the head years ago, especially once you had graduated, but somehow the opposite had happened, his affections for you taking root in the very essence of his being and growing as time went on.

It’s not that he thought about you all the time, but you popped up ever so often while he was in Brazil, and he’d considered trying to find you once he returned. He would stand tall at the time he met you again, expecting you would be impressed by his progress, the fact that he had maybe grown at least a little in body and spirit, and you would at least, even for a moment, entertain being with him.

Only to find out that you were getting married. That hadn’t been part of the plan.

Again, he was naive.

He took a deep breath and let it out, and suddenly he couldn’t keep the tears from falling.

Again, he was a child. A nuisance. Confident without a basis. What had he been thinking? Why him? It could never be him, just an energetic kohai who had bitten off more than he could chew and now was alone crying in front of a mirror.

He couldn’t act like he wasn’t the problem. He’d ruined his friend’s impending marriage, thinking only about himself, and for what? You still didn’t love him, despite his best efforts.

He rubbed the side of his face gingerly, wincing at the sharp pain.

No matter how much he hurt now, Daichi still hurt more.

---

You left in the middle of the day while Daichi was still at work.

It was a smoother process than you expected to pack up your clothes and art supplies, leaving everything else to him. It made you realize how little of yourself existed apart from him when you gathered up so few belongings in a couple of suitcases.

When you called your sister to take you home, she was merciful enough not to ask questions. You drove a little while with only silence between you before she shot you a meaningful glance for just a moment,

“Did you decide he wasn’t the one?”

You looked away from her and out the window. “Something like that.”

---

Returning the wedding dress was one struggle and calling off the wedding was another, but as time passed it became easier to evade prying questions on why and why not, and how and how not.

A part of you was unreasonable enough to wonder why Daichi hadn’t fought a little harder for you, knowing that if he had just said the words, you probably would have stayed and tried your best to be better for him. You hadn’t even left a note when you left because what more excuses did you have to provide? 

But to him, you became a ghost. Not one question, not one comment - he let you fade out of his existence without a single remark.

You wondered if he had iced out Hinata the same way. Hinata wasn’t speaking to you either ever since you’d made your choice, if any.

Months continued to pass and your father’s rude jokes about you managing to scare off a man who loved you more than himself faded, and your mother’s urges to force you to reconcile with Daichi finally followed suit, to your relief. You dove headfirst in your art, considering applying to a professional program to pursue your passion. Or the next one… whatever you wanted.

The better part of a year had passed since you’d swiftly exited out of Daichi’s life without a single verbal exchange between you two, until you received a call while you sat before a canvas in the middle of a painting. 

Despite the fact that the number was no longer saved in your phone, you could recognize the number anywhere. You hesitated for a split second but still you lunged for the phone because you weren’t sure if you wanted reconciliation or forgiveness or maybe just a chance to hear his voice again.

“... Have you been well?”

The low tone of his voice still held a bit of tension to it, but you accepted that he would possibly never speak softly to you again. But he wasn’t exactly angry… just reluctant. Like he was being forced to speak to you. You tensed. He didn’t have to ask that question.

What if you said you had been well? Would he regret this call? 

What if you said every so often you were wracked with guilt and suddenly you felt like you couldn’t breathe, that you didn’t deserve to breathe?

“Mm. Have you?”

“I have.”

There was a too-long and too-thick silence in the air between you two as both of you hesitated.

“I-I’ve moved on,” he finally said, and your heart broke freshly. 

Yet in a voice that was too high and too cheerful, you blurted out, “... That’s great!”, to hide the pain of the knife twisting in your belly. 

As though emboldened by the strangle in your voice, he continued and you weren’t exactly sure if he relished in your pain or if it was embarrassment that made him chuckle nervously, but he continued.

“I know I told you you could keep the ring but… I was wondering actually if I could have it back.”

Straight to the point, straight to the heart, and you were proud of yourself for not falling apart on the end of your line as you agreed to return it to him. 

...

Don’t call him. Don’t call him. Don’t call him. Don’t call him. Don’t call him.

Your mantra played in your head over and over and over again as you stared at your phone, as your heart raced, as your head pounded, as you paced the room, as tears pricked your eyes.

You had to be happy for Daichi. He’d gotten over you quickly, enough to consider giving your ring to someone else. So what if it had barely been a year? So what if you started to question if you were really just a placeholder for someone else? 

You’d hurt him. You deserved this pain.

Don’t call.

You picked up your phone and dropped it.

What were you going to say?

Please forgive me? Please try again? Please don’t move on? Please fight for me?

Don’t call, you idiot.

You wanted to scream. What was your problem exactly? Your life had settled into an order. You were starting to make friends. You knew what you wanted to do with your life. You stood on your own two feet.

But why had Daichi let all you built together be replaced so easily?

Don’t you dare fucking call him!

Did he ever love you?

Your throat felt dry and your head swam and you sat down at your canvas and tried to paint but your hands shook too much to hold your brush and your tears clouded your vision.

You heard your phone buzz once yet again, and you considered picking up your phone and tossing it against the nearest wall in a huff because you were so close to making a fool out of yourself, but the message across it gave you pause.

A message from Hinata Shoyo.

I know I might be the last person you want to hear from, but I just wanted to check in.

There was a pause while you stared at the message, a million thoughts now running in your head. 

First, why hadn’t you deleted his number?

Second, why now?

As you pondered, nose still running and heart still wrenching, another message popped up.

Despite everything, I miss you.

---

Despite your initial reservations, despite the fact that it felt wrong and bad and evil after all you had done, you still found your way back to Hinata.

Some moments, you wonder if it’s a convoluted red string of fate that joins you together even if it’s been dragged through the mud so that it barely looks the brilliant scarlet it’s meant to be. Other times, you wonder if it’s written in the stars that you’d end up like this, no matter how many detours you made. 

Of course, it’s not to say Daichi was a mere detour in the story of your love life. You loved Daichi with your whole heart, but it wasn’t a forever type of love, no matter how hard you had wanted it to be. 

Simply put, you were a coward, while Hinata was not. Hinata had known from the day he met you that you would be his and he would be yours, and the love you had with him was different. 

A terrifying, bold and audacious kind of love.

You no longer hide a ring when you’re with him, and you don’t worry if you’ll ever get a ring when you’re with him, because his love on its own makes you feel hugged and seen in a way you never were before.

You sit courtside and watch your Hinata as he runs from one end to another, his trademark brilliant smile on his face, the same smile he flashes at you when you wake up every day and wholeheartedly choose him, and you know it’s a smile that says ‘Watch me! Don’t look away!’

Even if you will now forever be branded a cheater, you know that this time, you will only look at him, the same way Hinata’s only looked at you.

[bxcketbarnes]

Friends... or More?

Pairing: Ashton Irwin x Reader

Words: 3600+

Author's Note: This picture is incredible. And I thought of this idea while talking to @galcalirwin​ ! I hope you guys like it 🥺

"I can't believe I'm the only one single in this friend group," you sigh as you and your girlfriend's drive-in downtown LA. You glance out the window as a hand lands on your shoulder.

"You're not the only one! Ash is single too," Bri states and you look towards her, a knowing smirk on her lips. You roll your eyes, fiddling with your phone.

"Wait, what? I thought he was dating that chick?" You ask, your eyes wide as you glance towards the other two girls.

Bri shakes her head, adjusting the hat on her head. "Nope. They broke up like four weeks ago," she informs you and you frown slightly.

"He didn't tell me that," you mumble quietly and the phone in your hand vibrates. Speak of the devil.

Hey! You girls get back yet?

"Maybe he hasn't found the right time to tell you?" Jess questions as you type quickly on your phone, responding to Ashton.

Driving through downtown LA as we speak. About 20 minutes until we get to Mike's.

"Yeah, maybe. How'd you find out?" You ask Bri and she gives you a look. "Calum?" You giggle and the brunette nods her head, a laugh leaving her lips.

"Of course I heard it from Cal! That man can't keep shit from me," Bri laughs and you shake your head, glancing back out the window.

Your phone vibrates again and you look down at it, smiling softly at the text Ashton sent.

Fuck, I can't wait to see you. Now I know how it feels when I go on tour lmao

Lmfao ah, yes. A taste of your own medicine! I can't wait to see you either.

"Who are you texting?" Bri asks and leans towards you, looking at the texts between you and Ashton. You scoff and turn your phone off, looking at her in disbelief.

"You're fucking nosy!" You laugh and she laughs with you, wiggling her eyebrows.

"We be flirtin' with Mr. Irwin are we?" She questions, loudly, and the other girls hear her.

You blush heavily, and you can feel the other two's eyes on me as Steff stops at a stop sign. "I-What? No! No!" You defend as they all give you a knowing look. "I'm not! He was just asking me if we were home yet."

"And then they both said they can't wait to see each other!" Bri cuts in and you slap her arm, feeling your cheeks on fire.

"Can we not do this?!" You groan and hide your face in your hands. Bri pats your back as Steff pulls into her and Michael's driveway, Michael's car not insight.

"Guess we beat them here," Steff mentions and opens the garage door before pulling her car into it.

You four get out of the car, grabbing your bags from the trunk before heading inside. You set your bag on the couch when your phone goes off and you pull it out of your back pocket to see Ashton had sent you a picture.

Your heart melts a bit at the picture, seeing the dimples indented in his cheeks. You read over the text he sent with it and you bring your lip between your teeth.

Five minutes until I see your gorgeous face!

You couldn't hold the giggle in any longer and you bring up the camera app, taking a quick selfie with your tongue sticking out before sending it to him.

You've seen my face all week. We've been snap chatting with each other almost every day!

That's nothing compared to the real thing!

"Y/N! C'mon, we're gonna wait outside!" Jess's voice calls out and you slide your phone into your back pocket after sending Ash a smile and heart emoji before heading out the front door.

Steff puts out a couple of chairs before sitting in one, Bri and Jess sitting beside her. You grab a seat next to Bri, looking up at the sky to enjoy the lovely California sun. "So," Steff begins and you glance towards her, her eyes set on you, "do you have a thing for Ash?" She asks and your lips part, hoping this conversation wouldn't have come up again.

"I…" you trail off, thinking about your answer when Michael's car backs up into the driveway. Your heart beats in your chest as one of the back doors open, Ashton climbing out of the Tesla.

You grin widely and spring up from your chair, heading towards him. The black-haired man's eyes light up at the sight of you and wrap his arms around your shoulders as soon as you make it over to him. You inhale his vanilla scent, melting a bit into his chest as your arms wrap around his torso.

"Hi, beautiful," he mumbles into your hair, swaying with you a bit as giggles leave his lips. "Did you have fun in Vegas?"

You smile when you pull away from him, looking up at him. "I did. We had a fancy-ass hotel room. It was cool. I wish you guys could've been there though," you admit and Ashton smiles.

"Yeah, it would've been cool. I've never been to Vegas with you. We'll have to go the next time we get another vacation," he mentions and you agree with him. 

-

You and the girls just got back to the Bellagio Hotel, most of you feeling pretty good while Jess decided she was going to be soberer than the rest of you. Just in case something were to happen. You all said goodnight and I love you to each other before going to our separate rooms.

You giggle as you stumble into your giant room, slipping the leather jacket off of your shoulders. The leather jacket Ashton bought you for your birthday. You look at yourself in the giant mirror that's near the bathroom, admiring how you look in the outfit you chose to wear.

Fishnet stockings cling to your legs with a leather skirt that barely covers your ass cheeks, paired with a nude lace bodysuit from Victoria's Secret. It's a bit skimpy but it's Vegas. You were single. You were infatuated with a man who lived in LA but single nonetheless.

You fluff your hair around, grinning to yourself as you thought of an idea. You pull your phone out from your leather jacket's pocket, opening up the camera before taking a small photoshoot.

You face your back towards the mirror, seeing the small peek of your ass cheeks hanging out as you look into the mirror and bite the tip of your finger. You couldn't help but giggle, shaking your head as you look at the picture you just took.

You were happy how it turned out before deciding to take it up a notch. You set your phone on the dresser before unzipping your skirt, tossing it to the side. You tilt your head as you look into the mirror, only having the bodysuit on and your stockings. You kneel on the floor and face the wall, the side of your bare ass facing the mirror. You snap another photo before bringing up Ashton's contact, attaching the two photos that you took.

Wish you were here… 😋😘

You sent the photos and got up from the floor, beginning to undress the rest of your clothes to change into your sleep shirt.

Ashton was hanging out with Calum when his phone went off, his hazel eyes moving away from the movie they were watching to check the notification. He smiles softly when he sees your name, picking up the device from the arm of the couch.

His breath hitches in his throat when he opens the text, the two sexy pictures he received staring him in the face. "Holy shit…" he mutters quietly and tilts his head, admiring your body. He adjusts himself in his sweats and licks his lips before whispering, "wish you were here. Y-Yeah, I wish I was too."

"Who is it?" Calum asks and the black-haired man looks over at his best friend.

"It's Y/N," Ash mumbles and looks back down at his phone, saving the two pictures to his phone. "She… I'm gonna say she's feeling pretty good."

Calum lets out a laugh and looks towards his friend. "Why do you say that?"

"She, uh, sent me sexy pictures," Ashton clears his throat, feeling his cheeks grow warm. Calum's eyes went wide and mumble a "no way". "Yeah, I'm just as shocked as you are."

Cal pauses the movie and shifts in his seat so he's facing Ashton. "So, what are you feeling? Do you… do you like her?" He asks and Ashton furrows his brows together.

"I don't know. I mean, she's gorgeous. No doubt about it and she's an amazing person. So amazing. But, I just don't think she'd go for me," Ash mentions and runs his hand through his hair.

"I mean… she's gotta feel something if she sent you those, right?" Cal questions and Ashton shrugs his shoulders.

"I'll ask her about it when she gets back. Maybe she meant to text someone else," he mutters and locks his phone, setting it back on the arm of the couch.

-

Everyone went out to Michael's backyard to chill by the pool and spa. You put your swimsuit on before heading into the kitchen to grab yourself a drink. You grab ahold of a wine cooler when Ashton's voice echoes off the walls in the kitchen. "So-"

You jump, placing a hand over your heart and glances over your shoulder. "Jesus, Ash," you mutter and let out a breath of air. "I thought you were outside already."

Ashton chuckles and shakes his head, leaning against the counter. "No, I actually wanted to talk to you about something," he mentions and you nod your head slowly.

Finally. He's gonna tell me about him and his ex breaking up. "What is it?" You ask while opening your wine cooler, taking a quick sip of it.

"Are you gonna explain the pictures you sent me?" He asks with raised eyebrows and your heart drops in your chest. The bottle you were holding onto slips from your grasp and falls to the floor, shattering on impact. "Shit, Y/N!"

Ashton rushes to grab some paper towels to soak up the blue liquid. "I-I'm sorry," you apologize. For dropping the bottle and sending him almost private pictures of yourself. "I-I was a bit tipsy and didn't know what I was doing."

The black-haired cutie looks up at you, his hazel eyes shining after he soaks up all of the liquid. "Hey, it's alright. I didn't say I was upset about it," he reassures you and you stare down at him in shock.

"You're not?" You whisper and he shakes his head, smiling softly.

"No, of course not. You… you looked great," Ash blushes and you let out a breathy laugh, feeling your own cheeks heat up.

He grabs a broom, sweeping the glass away from your feet. You stare at him the whole time, admiring his features. "Did you really think I looked great?" You ask him and Ashton glances back at you, throwing out some of the broken glass.

"Oh, hell yeah. I was quite shocked honestly. You were never the one to… show so much skin," he admits and you nod your head.

"I just wanted to try something different. Be more confident in me. I mean, wearing this right now can be difficult for me," you motion towards the two-piece and Ash lets his eyes roam down your figure.

"You look good. You always did. Whether you were wearing baggy clothes or dressy clothes," he tells you with a smile and you couldn't help but smile back at him, your heart fluttering in your chest. "C'mon, let's get out of this spot."

You nod your head and take a big step, getting away from the spot. Ashton finishes cleaning up the rest of the broken glass as you gathered the all-purpose cleaner, so the floor doesn't get sticky. "Thanks, Ash," you mumble to him while spraying the floor, wiping it up with some paper towels.

Ashton runs his hands through your hair, smiling down at you. "It's not a problem, love. What are friends for," he states and your stomach churns a bit. Friends.

-

It's been about a week and a half since the guys posted their Carpool Karabloke video and you couldn't count the numerous times you've seen a comment about your and Ash's relationship status. You're currently out to lunch with Bri and Cal, your mind far away from the topic of conversation at hand.

"Hey, Y/N?" Your friend calls out and you snap out of your daze, looking between the two of them.

"What?! Sorry," you mumble and run your fingers through your hair.

Cal chuckles softly and leans back in his chair. "You're fine. Everything alright?" He asks and you shrug your shoulders, furrowing your eyebrows.

"For the most part," you mention and rest your chin on the palm of your hand.

Bri lets out a sigh and sets a hand on her boyfriend's arm. "It's probably about Ash," she states and Cal looks at her with a confused expression. "I'm assuming you saw the tweets?" Her question is directed towards you and you press your lips together before nodding your head.

"Wait, what tweets?" Calum asks, his brown eyes darting between you and his girl.

"Ever since the carpool video came out people have been wondering if Ash and I are together because we fucking hugged on video," you inform him and shake your head, "and he replied to one of the tweets saying that we weren't. That we were just friends."

Calum furrows his eyebrows together, drumming his fingers against the table. "Okay? So, why are-"

"She likes him you fool," Bri practically shouts and you shush her, looking around to see a few people turning their heads towards us.

"Jesus," you laugh, playfully glaring at your friend, "could you be any louder?"

She smirks and shrugs her shoulders. "Just be thankful Ashton isn't here," Bri winks and you scoff, tucking a strand of hair behind your ear.

Your smile slowly diminishes as the whole situation sets in, a sigh leaving your lips. "I just… don't get it? I think he's interested in me? I mean, he didn't say he was mad about the pictures I sent him in Vegas. He said I looked great. That has to mean something right?" You ask the two of them and Calum nods his head as Bri just stares at you in shock.

"Hold up. You sent him pictures? What kind of pictures?" She asks with an eyebrow raised.

You blush, clearing your throat while scratching the back of your head. "She sent him sexy pictures," Cal states and Bri whips her head towards her boyfriend of two years.

"Excuse me? And how do you know?" She asks him and the man glances towards his girl, brown eyes wide.

"We were hanging out when he told me! I didn't see them, I swear!" He pleads and you tuck a strand of hair behind your ear. "I love you."

"Mhm. You fuckin' better," Bri mumbles, looking back at you and asks, "can I see the pictures?"

You nod your head and pull up the photos before facing the phone towards her. Bri pushes Cal's head away and leans down to look at the two pictures you sent Ash a few weeks ago.

"They're cute. Very sexy for sure!" She states and you bring your phone back to you, seeing a notification from Twitter.

@ilovecalum: @ashton5sos are you and the woman in the Carpool video dating?! That hug looked special as fuck!

@ashton5sos: no, no! She and I are really good friends 🖤

You swallow the lump in your throat as you don't know how many more of these types of tweets you can handle seeing. You can feel tears pool in your eyes, taking a deep breath before standing up from the chair.

"I, uhm, I gotta go. I'll see you guys later," you mumble to your two friends and walk away before they have a chance to stop you.

Bri watches you leave, a sad expression on her face as her heart breaks for you. "Doesn't he realize that he's hurting her?!" She asks her boyfriend and Cal sighs, shrugging his shoulders.

"I don't know, babe," he starts and drapes his arm across her shoulders. "He's pretty oblivious when it comes to this kind of stuff."

Bri sighs, relaxing into Cal's touch as she thought of a way to get him to see how you really feel about him. One way or another.

-

"Ashton motherfUCKING Irwin!" Bri yells while storming into the drummer's place. You furrow your brows at your best friend, seeing her tilt her head towards the back door. "Outside, now!"

You glance back at Ash, seeing his hazel eyes wide with a bit of fear swimming in them. You gently move your legs off his lap, giving him a small smile as he rubs your leg for a quick second before getting up.

"If I'm not back in five minutes… save me," he giggles before heading towards the sliding door. You chuckle and nod your head, watching him leave the house.

"What the fuck just happened?" You ask Cal and he lets out a noise, shaking his head while flailing his arms.

"I've got no idea. You know how she is," he states and you laugh, nodding your head while muttering you right.

Ashton stands outside, rubbing his palms along his ripped jeans. "So, what's up?" He asks nervously, seeing the menace look in his friend's eye.

"What's up?! What's up is that you're making Y/N cry!" She almost yells and Ash furrows his eyebrows before glancing into the house, seeing you laughing with Cal.

"She's… she's not crying?" He questions and points into the house.

Bri lets out a groan and presses her fingertips to her forehead. "Not now, dumbass. Yesterday. You made her cry yesterday while the three of us were at lunch," she explains and Ash's heart drops. He was about to ask what she meant but she pulls out her phone, cutting him off by showing him a tweet he made yesterday. "This. This made her upset."

"Wha-Why?"

"Because she loves you!"

Ashton furrows his eyebrows and pushes some of his hair out of his face. "I know that she does. I love her too," he tells her, a breathy chuckle leaving his lips.

"No, no, no. She loves you, Ash. Seeing you tweet out that there's basically no hope for the two of you is hurting her more than you think," the short brunette exclaims and Ashton's lips part in surprise, looking back into the house at you. "Don't you love her back?"

The drummer swallows hard, keeping his eyes on you as your figure turns to face him and his eyes meet yours. A smile comes to your lips and you give him a small wave. "I-I… I do. I think I always have. Guess I didn't realize it," he mutters and Bri lets out a sigh of relief.

"Good. Otherwise, I would've had to kick your ass," she laughs and Ashton giggles as well. "Now… go get her!"

He nods his head and once again wipes the palm of his hands on his jeans, his nerves becoming more apparent. Bri walks into the house first, heading towards the couch and sits down next to her man.

"Uh, Y/N?" Ash calls out and you whip your head around, seeing him still standing by the back door. "Can I talk to you for a moment?" He asks and motions his head towards the sliding door.

You gulp and nod your head, pushing yourself off the couch. You glance towards Bri and she smirks at you while you head towards your best friend. "What's up?" You ask and Ashton leads you outside before shutting the door behind him. "Ash?"

Ashton's heart races as your hand land on his arm, squeezing gently while you look up at him. Fuck it. He places his hands on your cheeks and leans forward to connect your lips with his. Your eyes are wide as you fist his shirt in your hands, letting them flutter shut. You melt into the kiss, not believing this is happening as you kiss him back.

One of your hands moves to the back of his neck, your fingers carding into his black hair. Ashton glides his hands down your sides, squeezing your hips as he presses you against him. You pull away from him after a bit, breathing heavily as Ash presses his forehead against yours. "I… what…"

"Do you wanna go out with me?" He asks and your breath hitches in your throat, looking up at him through your lashes.

"A-A-Really?" You whisper and he grins, his dimple indenting his cheek and tucks a strand of hair behind your ear.

"Yeah, really. I… I didn't really tell you much about my ex because I was using her to try and get over you. It didn't go well, obviously. I'm sorry if I hurt you and didn't see it," he explains and your heart flutters, closing your eyes while letting out a breath.

"It's okay. It's okay," you mumble and stroke his cheekbone with your thumb. "I guess we were both a little stubborn to see what was in front of us."

Ashton lets out a laugh and nods his head, pressing a quick kiss to your lips. "Very. Better late than never though," he states and you nod, grinning like a fool as his arms wrap around your waist. "Maybe we can ditch these two and go on a date?"

You glance towards Cal and Bri, seeing them watching the two of you. Bri gives you a thumbs up and you let out a laugh before looking up at Ash. "That sounds great, Ash."

-

Taglist: @galcalirwin​ @sexgodashton​ @myloverboyash​ @h0tsos​ @mysticalhood​ @tea4sykes​ @baldcalum​ @talkfastromance4​ @g-l-pierce​ @here-for-the-uproars​ @maluminspace​ @abb-lan-5sos​ @itsasadfishworld​ @gigglyirwin​ @bloodmoonashton​ @thebookamongmen​ @sublimehood​ @bumblebet-20​

[drspencerweed]

Since REQUEST 4 is all caps, I wanna know about that one hehe~

its SO WEIRD i don’t know why it’s the only one in all caps but thats how it is in my drive lmfao 

anyway! this is a request I promised to fulfill in return for someone getting me a link to an mgg interview ages ago, and it was a simple request for a ‘theres only one bed’ trope fic. my brain took that and created an entire plot revolving around an undercover case, so it’s actually the first multi-part spencer fic that I’ll be posting! 

I know you didn’t ask for a snippet but I am really excited about this one so here’s a little sneak peak: 

“Before we go in, let’s go over our stories one more time.” He said, turning to face me completely. I nodded. 

“We’re Mr. and Mrs. Wilson. We got married last week, and both of us took off the next two weeks for our stay-at-home honeymoon.” I restated what I had read what felt like hundreds of times since being given the assignment the day before. Spencer obviously had it all memorized after one read through, but it took me a little more than that. 

“You’re an accountant at a law firm, and I’m a lawyer. We met on the job.” Spencer said. 

“We’ve been together for three years, engaged for one. Are there any other relevant details?” I asked. There was a lot more in the files, but I thought the basics we had set out were the most important things. And although it was unlikely that the unsub was already stalking us, on the off chance that he was, sitting in the car in the driveway for too long may look suspicious. 

“We are overwhelmingly in love.” Spencer said. Of course. The unsub was targeting couples that were so happy it made him jealous. So we had to be the picture perfect couple, not only to attract him but also to pass as a newlywed couple. It would be the easiest and hardest part of the assignment. Spencer smiled at me once more, and I returned it. He must have sensed my nerves, because he reached out and took my hand in his. “We got this.” 

“I know.” I answered, nodding, putting on a facade. I slipped into the mindset I would have to adopt for the next week. Spencer was mine, I was his, and we were in love. “Let’s do this.” 

We got out of the car, and as soon as I was on the side Spencer was on, he grabbed my hand and interlaced our fingers. I smiled up at him. 

Right before we got in the house, Spencer pulled me in by the grip he had on my hand. I was pressed right against his chest, and he brought our lips together in a soft kiss. Melting into it, I had to try very hard to not reveal how shocked I was by his actions. Obviously we were going to kiss this week, but I didn’t expect it so soon. My lips spread into a smile against his, and then he pulled back. He brushed a hand through my hair and looked at me with such love in his eyes I was almost convinced it was real. Who knew Spencer Reid was such a good actor? 

“I believe I’m meant to carry you over the threshold, Mrs. Wilson.” He said, and then immediately gathered me into his arms, bridal style. I yelped as I was lifted off the ground. 

“Spencer!” I laughed, and he just chuckled back at me. 

“Open the door,” He ordered, nodding his head towards the door. I took one of my hands from around his neck, and pushed the front door of the house open. True to his word, he carried me over the threshold of our home and then set me down in the foyer. I thought he would let me go after that, but his hands stayed on my waist and pulled me in for another soul crushing kiss. 

[vanillanaps]

ik you're not writing right now but lets just think about you being the winter soldier and he's trying to save you, because he knows what its like.

he'd go to every length to find you, everyone would, because they they saw how hard it was for bucky to fit into reality when he got back to "normal" so lets say zemo gave up on that mission of you trying to eliminate bucky, because it got too personal bc you remembered who he was. i feel like you would definitely be let go from zemo's capture and go into the real world, making it easier for bucky to find you, but when he did, boy he'd wouldn't know how to react since you were there right in front of him

These Winter Soldier Reader concepts are so good yall wtf😭😭

Also let’s pretend that Steve is alive, well and present and he didn’t go back to the 40s to stay and that Nat and Tony are alive LMFAO😭

Everyone would be hesitant at first. Except for Steve. He was down to do anything for Bucky, so when his life long friend came to him, nearly in tears about a girl that he needed to get her back, he knew he had to help his friends. But it didn’t take long for everyone to get on board, seeing how much this meant to Bucky and that if anything the girl deserved a chance at a real life. So they searched high and low for you. For months on end. But as long as Bucky wasn’t giving up, they weren’t giving up.

But the problem is, if you didn’t want to be found, you wouldn’t be found. Bucky knew that. It was one of the reasons hydra use to pair the two of you together. Between Bucky’s combat skills and your ability to move and hide in silence, you were nearly an unstoppable team.

After your many failed attempts of your mission, Zemo started to doubt you. There was no way you were this incredible soldier that they cherished so much. Every time you came back, you seemed more and more not under his control. A little bit more yourself than a Winter Soldier. He underestimated your connection to Bucky. He overestimated you ability to complete a mission. He soon came to realize that you were not value asset. But Zemo’s mission was never you. It was always Bucky. It was always the avengers. He actually took quiet of a liking to you which is why he gave you an 1 hour window to disappear from his sight and to never reappear again or you would be his mission.

So you did. You fell of the face of the earth, living off the grid and remote. Taking in this new world a little at a time. Until you were ready. Ready to find answers. Ready to find him and it wasn’t hard. With the help of the internet, a computer and a few days. You were on your way to New York. You weren’t slow though. You knew what happened. You would probably be exploited to the world the moment you stepped foot back into the states. Being labeled one of the Killer Winter Soldiers. And you were right.

“Buck.” Steve called out to his friend as he entered his room, tablet in his hand and a serious look on his face, “She’s here. She’s in New York.” He watched as he handed the tablet over to Bucky and seen the small spark of hope in his eyes.

You were here in the New York without cover. You wanted him to find you, “How long ago was this?”

“Last night.”

It was a picture of you, walking the streets of New York. No hood, no disguise, no stealth suit. It was you. And you wanted to he found. He would find you. He did find you. It was only a couple days later when he did.

He found the abandoned building you had been spending your time in. He was scooping the place out, unsure if you were currently there, but you were living here. Your things were spread out around the dark and dusty room. At the table, there was a computer and new paper articles spread out across it. One in particular caught his eye. It was of him. The one were they tried to frame him for the bombing of the accords a few years ago. It peaked his interests, wondering why you had it and wh—

“What are you doing here?” A voice called from behind him. He froze, immediately recognizing it as you. Hearing the trembling in your voice as you spoke. He didn’t turn, not for a couple seconds until he heard the click of a gun being cocked and you repeated yourself, “What are you doing here?” You said again, this time as with a more firm, intimidating voice.

“I came for you.” Bucky finally spoke, raising his hands up as he slowly turned to face you, “I wanted to find you—I needed to find you.”

Your stare was deep and intense when you became eye to eye with him. Quickly doing a visual scan of his body, trying to find any hidden weapons, but when you found none, your eyes went back to his, “You’re not wanted here, leave.”

“Yes I am, or you wouldn’t have came here.” Bucky spoke carefully, choosing his words wisely, “You wouldn’t have came back to the states and you wouldn’t have came to New York. I know you, Yn, if yo—“

“My name is not Yn! You don’t know me!” You shouted, your hand beginning to shake. Why did you come here? Why did you do this? You should’ve stayed hidden.

“I know you better than anyone. Maybe more so than yourself.” He said, trying to take slow steps toward you but stopped once you shot him a warning glance, “Let me help you. My friends—they can help you in the same way they helped.” He pushed, trying again to take steps towards you, continuing when you didn’t give him that famous murderous glare this time, “It’s me, Yn. You know me.”

You were trying, you really were, but you couldn’t. You weren’t ready. You shouldn’t have came here, “I’m sorry.” You spoke before setting off random shots, causing Bucky to duck and dive for cover, giving you an opening to make a run for it, but didn’t make it far when you opened the door to met with a girl with orange hair and a black leather suit standing behind it.

“Sorry, but you’re coming with us.” She spoke to you not even giving you enough time to reacted considering the distraught you were in before a needle would be shoved into your arm and immediately the room went black.

Plan B’s were always important.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #352

my head’s a mess and a half, i can’t think of lyrics to put here so yeah here’s the survey

What’s the last vegetable you ate, and when did you eat it? Uh I think it was a pepper in this Healthy Choice dinner bowl I had yesterday. What was your last Facebook notification for? A friend liking this photo I shared of some beautiful, small rock and pebble sculptures of people. What bands have you seen live? Just Alice Cooper. Tell me an interesting fact about your mother: She only has one kidney due to the other being taken out because of kidney cancer when I was a kid. Coincidentally, her father was actually born with only one as well. What do you think is the most important thing to happen to you before the age of 13? Nothing really comes to mind. What were you super against as a young child but aren’t anymore? SUPER against? I dunno, man. What are your plans later today? I don't know. Yesterday my mother informed me that Jason's mother died, and since then I've been in shock. I was in awful condition yesterday because I absolutely adore(d) her like she was MY family, and once upon a time I thought she would be officially, and I still feel very, very dead. I doubt I'll get anything done today. Are you doing anything exciting this weekend? Definitely not exciting... Mom and possibly I are probably bringing Jason's family food for the family get-together they're having (we're not staying for... obvious reasons), but she's unsure because it might be a bit too awkward. I'll stay in the car because I don't want to disrespect Jason's space, but I REALLY want to go through with this. His mom was so important to me, and I don't want to just... do nothing as if she meant just that. I want the family to know I never stopped caring just because there was a breakup. Plus I wanna give Jason his favorite chocolate bar to try to bring him a bit of happiness. I can't imagine what he's feeling, and my instinct of "I need to protect him" absolutely never went away. Who do you talk to the most? My mom. What are some things you do regularly that make you feel old? Go to bed before 9PM, sometimes even before 8. And my knees pop like a motherfucker. Who is your best guy friend(s)? Girt and Sam. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker? Neither; instead, I just wish it was clearer. I have extremely dry skin, especially on my arms, so I have little bumps and marks there, as well as little freckles over my body. Having like, porcelain skin would be amaaaazing. If you had a tiny scar on your face, would you get it removed or just keep it? Keep it. Look more badass, haha. Have you had an x-ray in the past year? I think so, on my legs. It may have been over a year ago, idr. Do you think your first love still loves you? I don't want to know. I really don't. What is something that is “going right” in your life? *blinks* When did you feel ready to start dating? Seriously, probably late middle school. When was the last time your pet bit you? If you don’t have a pet, have you ever been bitten by someone else’s? My snake Venus has never bitten me. Meanwhile, my cat Roman lightly (and sometimes not so lightly...) bites me pretty much every day when I play with him, lol. Where were you the last time you made out? My bed. When was the last time you cried tears of joy? I probably haven't done that since I met Sara irl. How do you type your sad smileys? One of these three: :( or :c or :< Do you have “decorative hand-towels” that cannot be used in your house? No. What was the last soda you drank? Mountain Lightning, a Mtn. Dew ripoff bc we're cheap, lol. What was the last thing someone made fun of you for? I don't know. Have you ever had any type of surgery? Yeah, a cyst removal as well as tubes in my ears. Should kids be allowed to get tattoos/piercings without parental consent? Uh no????? Who was the last person to hit on you? That I'm actually aware of, Sara. I'm quite sure nobody has since. What was the last thing you decided not to do, that you were supposed to? I was too weak to even clean the litterbox last night. I just wanted to go to bed. I need to do it today. What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to tell someone? Hm. Maybe that I didn't love Joel? It was just really awkward and I felt awful about the whole situation. What do you put on hot dogs? Ketchup and mustard. Ever fallen in the shower? I've fallen OUT of the shower. I was extremely dizzy and was trying to get out, and I just passed out onto my chin. Broke some molars and got a concussion. What’s the worst thing you’ve ever called someone you care about? Probably a bitch or something. Do you think that things will get better? I sure hope so. Have you ever legitimately saved a person’s life? I guess I kinda have. My WoW friend Lisa and I were talking, and she wasn't feeling well at all when she suddenly disappeared. Coincidentally, her husband got home RIGHT when I messaged her again, wanting to check up on her, and he heard the alert so checked it out. Lisa was knocked out on the couch having some medical emergency with a name I can't remember, and he just thought she was sleeping. Because of seeing the chat, he took her to the hospital when she probably would've died otherwise. She insists I saved her. What’s your favourite book genre? Fantasy. Have you ever walked out of a movie at the theatre? No. Do dogs like you? They definitely seem to. Animals in general honestly do. Would you say that you project an air of authority? Definitely not. Have you ever jumped off a high dive into a pool? No. I've always wanted to, but I was too scared at any opportunity. Do you use one towel when you shower or two? (one for hair, one for body) I just use one. I dry my hair first, then my body. Have you ever been to one of the great lakes? No, but I did see one of them from a plane when I was flying to Sara's. Who do you know that had a baby recently? My high school friend had her daughter Persephone literally a couple days ago. Cute little thing. Do you like Usher’s songs? Oh wow, what a blast from the past. I don't even recall the names of any, but I remember I enjoyed some as a kid. When was the last time you went to a waterpark? Wow, it has been YEARS. Like, not since I was a teen. Have you ever ridden a train? No. What do you eat your French fries with? Ketchup, sometimes. Do you have family problems? Not really. What’s the last food you ate that was stale? Bread, I think. How do you like your grilled cheese? Just a normal 'ole grilled cheese. What is the most challenging meal you have ever cooked? I don’t cook. What was your favorite thing to do as a little kid? Play video games. Have you ever been close to drowning? Yikes, no. Have you ever had a panic attack? Countless. Do you like doing housework? No, who does? Would you ever get implants? Nah. Do you own a robe? No. Do you have a little sister? What’s her name? Yeah, Nicole. Do you like crust on pizza or do you cut it off? I don't trust people who don't eat pizza crust. What was the last song you listened to? "The Ghost of You" by My Chemical Romance. It's making me cry, but I really need to. Have any of your family members been to jail? No. None that I know of, anyway. Is there anyone that you feel you still need some closure with? An old friend, yes. Can you remember when you first learned how to read? No. What event in your life has transformed your personality the most? My mental illnesses as a whole. Have you ever had any teeth pulled? No. Do you still want to be what you wanted to be in elementary school? No, but only because it's not realistic. I don't want to travel. What’re some TV shows that you would like to get into? I don't care about TV 'til MM resumes, and then absolutely whenever The Edge of Sleep is released. Mark is a key actor in it. How would you feel if you were drafted for the military? I couldn’t be. What is your favorite Queen song? Ha, I'm aware this is probably everyone's answer, but "Bohemian Rhapsody" is the bop of all bops. Do you know how to use any foreign currency? No. Been kissed by someone who you knew was “bad” for you? BEEN kissed, yeah. By Juan. Ever taken an at-home pregnancy test? No. When was the last time you were at a loss of what to do? Now. What did you do on your favorite date with a guy/girl? It was a group date where we went to this big arcade one night. What’s a movie you have seen in the theater more than once? None. What is the reason you’re still alive? That's a big answer that I'm not in the mood to ramble about. Have you ever had sex in someone else’s bed/bedroom? Yeah, oops. Do you ever brush your hair before you go to bed? No. Have you ever had a dream about sleeping with a celebrity? (You don’t have to give details.) HAHA this was the only lucid dream I've ever had lmfao. Has anyone ever told you that they needed you? Do you think they meant it? I don't remember. How did you feel when you woke up today? What was the first thing you thought about? Like shit. "Virginia's still dead" just bitchslapped me. Do you still tell your parents that you love them? Well yeah. Have you ever said “I love you” to someone you weren’t going out with? Yes, because I really did. Have you ever been threatened before? Yes. Would you date someone with a physical disability? Yeah. Think of the last person you had sex with. Do you think they’ve slept with anyone else since they last slept with you? Probably. The last time you dyed your hair, what color did you dye it? Red. Think of the last time you went out to eat. Who paid? My mom. Do you save at least 15 percent of your income? What income? Do you ever go on Reddit? If so, what are some of your favorite subreddits? No. Were you ever a flower girl or ring bearer in anyone’s wedding when you were little? No. Are your parents in good health? Not especially. They're both probably unhealthier than the average person. Dad smokes way too much to be healthy, and Mom has a plethora of issues. Have you ever been a caregiver to a sick/disabled relative? No; it sounds awful, but I'm very doubtful I could be because I canNOT clean another human being. Is there any type of medicine you can’t take? For what reason? No. Do you have a favorite pair of pajamas? What do they look like? They're black Pokemon pants with Pikachu jumping by the logo. Do you have any interesting pillow cases? No. If something on your body hurts, which part is it most likely to be? My knees. Are you more afraid of spiders or bees? Both, but situationally. Have you ever worn fake nails? If so, what did the last pair you wore look like? Only once for prom. They were maroon, like my dress. Wait... or maybe I didn't wear them? Fuck, idr. Is Russian or Native American history more interesting to you? Native American history is way more fascinating to me.

[artificialqueens]

Chamomiles, Chrysanthemums, and Everything In Between [Gigi x Nicky] - ChaosKatya

summary: In which Gigi’s a florist, and she’d like to think she usually has a pretty good head on her shoulders. That is until a new tattoo artist starts shifts in the studio opposite and well, now Gigi’s not quite sure what’s going on with herself anymore. Everyone else seems to know, but Gigi sure doesn’t.

a/n: first full chapter ive ever posted! again, let me know what you think @chaoskatya <3

“Gigi… Earth to Miss Goode? Gigi. GIGI!”

Jaida claps loud, startling Gigi from her trance. Bolting up from where she was leaning on the counter, she turns so quickly to face her coworker she nearly knocks her iced coffee flying. She stumbles for it, saving it from tipping over, smiling sweet like nothing happened.

“Yes, Miss Hall?”

Jaida laughs softly. “Do not Miss Hall me. Girl I was talking to you for a hot minute before I realized no one was home up in that pretty head of yours.”

“Rude. I was nodding and everything?”

“Uh huh. And what was I talking about?” Jaida props her hand on her hip, waiting for an answer.

Gigi wracks her brain, and comes up empty. She at least tries to smile to make up for it. “Uhh, the schedule for the succulent shipment arriving tomorrow?”

Jaida laughs, loud and brief. “Ha! Nice try. Wrong.” She swipes for Gigi’s drink, taking a hearty sip to cement her new ownership.

“Hey–!” Gigi tries to protest, attempting to grab for it but Jaida just holds up a perfectly manicured nail at her.

“Nu uh. You don’t deserve this. ‘Sides, it was totally half melted from how long you were spacing out there. What’s on your mind, girl?”

“Nothing! I’m just. Distracted, that’s all,” Gigi sighs, and can’t help but flicker her eyes out towards Wallflower’s storefront.

Jaida doesn’t miss it. She follows Gigi’s eyes out the window, and raises her eyebrows in understanding. “Mmhm… I’m sure you are,” she smirks and walks away, sipping Gigi’s coffee loudly for punctuation, “Make sure you finish your orders for pickup today before you chase your french fantasy, ma cheri.”

Gigi opens her mouth to argue, then just makes a frustrated noise in defeat. Jaida’s not wrong, she just hates how obvious it’s become. It’s been getting worse, now only 10 am and her head’s already in the clouds and she has yet to actually start working on any of the arrangements she’d meant to have started almost an hour ago. Tying her long hair out of her eyes, she stands at her work station for a good while, staring at the order forms handed to her this morning. All small individual orders, mostly early Valentine’s arrangements for folks looking to beat the inevitable price hike or gifting early to work around prior plans, or some highschoolers probably asking people out to prom since the season’s coming up. Relatively simple and easy for Gigi’s skill, but she still can’t get herself to focus. When nothing comes to her, probably from the lack of coffee, she decides not to linger and gets up to check on the displays.

She goes over a checklist in her head for things she could do that’s still considered productive but isn’t at her actual arrangement station. She checks soil moisture in the succulents, watering the drier ones, prunes some of their smaller flowering shrubs that are getting a little bushy, and double checks the temperatures on the floral coolers.

She’s wiping down the leaves on a large monstera in the houseplant section when she smacks herself on the forehead, realizing she’s subconsciously navigated herself towards the front of the store and is now conveniently right beside the front window. Still, she can’t help herself, and tries to peer across the pedestrian street in hopes that at least seeing her today will temporarily get her out of her system.

It’s been a week since Harmonize, the tattoo studio across Wallflower, had filled in their vacancy and signed on their newest artist. The two stores are fairly friendly, when Gigi was hired over a year ago the owner Widow had brought over fresh baked bread to introduce herself, and it was one of their artists Crystal whom Gigi chose to ink the small piece on her rib. In fact, the two grew pretty close and she’s hung out with Crystal as many times as she’s hung out with Jaida who’s her actual coworker, the three of them often grabbing lunch or a drink together if time permits. It was her understanding that even before Gigi had joined the team, all the stores on their little promenade area were relatively familiar with each other. It was a small shopping district, all pedestrian walkways and local establishments, not fairly common anymore with the rise of larger malls. This meant the stores often knew and supported each other for solidarity, and that it wasn’t odd for people from other stores to pop in and introduce themselves.

That being said, it’s been a week since the new girl had started shifts and Gigi still hasn’t worked up the courage to talk to her. She’s only caught glimpses of her, either walking out with Crystal after locking up or stepping out in the middle of the day for a smoke break. Gigi knew of them needing a replacement after Dahlia had moved coasts, but she remembers how when actually seeing her in person for the first time her breath completely hitched in her throat and she had to run to the break room to hide for a bit.

Luckily for Gigi, unluckily for her work still left unattended, the walkways meant not a considerable distance between the two storefronts and she’s immediately able to catch a glimpse of the mystery girl inside leaning against the front desk. She can visibly see her short, slicked back platinum hair looking as pristine as always, and today she’s got on a red lip that looks so, so good. She barely knows anything about her, doesn’t even know her name, but by god would it be a lie to say she isn’t pretty enamoured.

Crystal’s obviously her coworker, but no amount of pleading texts will yield her any information. Jaida’s spoken to her already on her own but also refuses to tell Gigi anything, apparently because she thinks Gigi’s refusal to go alone is funny, other than that she’s French and hotter up close and that her accent was “delicious” which was incredibly not helpful. Gigi contemplates how this accent might sound when instead it’s her boss’s voice that suddenly appears next to her.

“She is pretty hot. I think I have a crush on her too.” Jackie says plainly into Gigi’s ear.

Gigi yelps and jumps again for the second time this morning, this time a lot more embarrassed thanks to being caught by her boss not only clearly slacking off but openly staring at the store opposite. And that she can’t even cover up Jackie knowing exactly why she was staring.

Jackie just laughs good naturedly and shoves an iced coffee into Gigi’s hands, holding another two against her chest.

“I was on the way when Jaida texted me saying she drank yours and to pick you up another one, so I got some for all of us. Something about you needing the caffeine, and I can see why,” she looks out the window to Harmonize, then back at Gigi, “finish those orders first, yeah?” She smiles knowingly at the younger girl, then heads to the back room where Jaida is probably counting stock.

Jesus christ, she was too preoccupied with her own thoughts she didn’t even hear Jackie come in. Their door has a fucking bell and she was standing right beside the front window. Well, nothing like a mountain of work and some fresh iced coffee to shake off a morning of embarrassment.

All things considered, Gigi loves her job. It’s something sacred to her, something guaranteed to ground her, soothing her senses and pulling her into a focused zone like nothing else. She loves the feeling of stems in her hands, watching an empty vase or paper wrap build into a living work of art that tells a story. She was never that big on plants as a whole, Jaida and Jackie tend to cover the succulent houseplant and herb territory better than she ever could, but she’s always had a soft spot for the flowers. She’s built up her craft and made a niche for herself in Wallflower very quickly, there’s nothing more enticing to her than mixing and matching colors, textures, shapes and sizes until her perfectionist ass is satisfied with the outcome. She always jokes that none of her work comes out short of instagram perfect, well worth more than just their price. She’s even taken to studying up on old flower meanings in her spare time, and while she thought they were silly at first she did grow a little attached to the convolutedness and intricacy that goes into working meanings into her arrangements.

She’s got a couple of standard bouquets up first- Wallflower provides a ‘cheat sheet’ of pre-determined arrangements for customers not particularly picky or familiar with what goes into their bouquets. She holds a sunflower in the center of the vase to build upon, surrounding it with a smattering of simple pink and red roses. She fills the shape with baby’s breath and green heather for texture, before filling whatever gaps are left with myrtle sprigs for more greenery.

She goes over the meanings in her head while she ties off and trims the stems and decoratively wraps the arrangement in delicate, pink paper and clear cellophane- adoration, happiness, love, innocence, admiration, love. It’s incredible to her how many flowers basically mean the same thing, but she supposes it’s hard to offer something as beautiful as a flower and not convey some form of affection.

She’s a couple of arrangements in before her phone buzzes in her back pocket, pulling her out of her groove. She wipes her hands down her apron and pulls it out to see a groupchat message from Crystal.

Clown Whore 🤡👅 just got off a client but LMFAO totally saw u staring @ N u aint slick @Gigi Goode

Gigi can’t help but widen her eyes a little and type her reply back a little frantic.

Goode, Gooder, Goodenest Gracious! 🌼 her name starts with N????? Nina? Natalie? Naomi? is Naomi french enough to count as a valid guess?

Clown Whore 🤡👅 LOL u know we aint tellin u its been a week. JUST TALK TO HER U DUMB ASS LESBIAN

Goode, Gooder, Goodenest Gracious! 🌼 :( ya’ll are mean. why are you my friends. Michelle’s for lunch? @Jaida @Crystal

shoulders & attitude (and not much else) 🌵🌵 lol im down

Clown Whore 🤡👅 breaks in 30. come to yall then :))

Gigi takes note of the time and puts her phone down sighing. She loves her friends with all her heart, but they’re also assholes whose favorite hobby is bullying poor Gigi especially when it comes to Gigi’s ability, or lack thereof, to deal with cute girls. Still, she wouldn’t trade the world for them (not that she would ever say that to their faces, she has some pride).

She continues her arrangements, hitting a snag on a particular one that for some reason requested a fairly large centerpiece, “all whites, minimal greenery- romantic but no roses” but at the same time “nothing too funeral-y or wedding-y”. She’s built and torn apart the arrangement around 6 times and is close to ripping her hair out when Jaida materializes in front of her station.

“You good, sis?” she laughs, picking up the order slip to examine herself.

Gigi looks around and realizes her station looks a hot mess, whites and greens strewn haphazardly everywhere. “Yes, you’re looking at my personal funeral. We good to go?”

“Yeah, ‘bout that. Crys texted that she’s gonna take a smoke for a bit and I’m gonna join her, is it alright if you go ahead? We’ll catch up, it’s all on me” Jaida says cheerily, handing Gigi her card.

Gigi raises her eyebrows in suspicion, idly wondering why Crystal didn’t just message their chat, but takes the card anyway. She’s not passing up free lunch. “Sure, the usual for everyone?”

“Yep, see ya in a bit, girl!” Jaida waves brightly, already on her way out the door.

Weird. But Gigi doesn’t think much of it.

The walk over to Michelle’s is short and uneventful, only being about 2 blocks away, but the small local joint is by far their favorite go-to. It’s arguably a diner, complete with the red leather booths and black and white tiled flooring to match, but it’s become a local staple in the district for being so much more than just a diner. They’ve got a wide variety of comfort foods of all types, plus it’s got halal options for Jackie and vegetarian ones for Crystal. Gigi walks in to the sound of the bell above the push glass door and is immediately greeted by not only the rich smells from the kitchen, but the owner Michelle at the counter. A matronly figure with a heart of gold, she’s made sure to know all of the district regulars by name and face and the girls at Harmonize and Wallflower are no exception. It’s a little past lunch rush, lots of people sitting at the booths and the counter but no one in line.

She greets Gigi as she enters and Gigi’s listing off the usuals for everyone, takeout for Widow and Jackie, when a husky voice pipes up from behind her.

“Oh, actually, Jaida said takeout for everyone. And an additional ceaser, s'il vous plaît.”

Gigi whips around, heart leaping out of her chest, and finds N smiling right behind her. Gigi stammers a bit, definitely fumbling for something to say, and tries her best to get her bearings. “Ohmigod, hi! Shit, hi! Gigi, from Wallflower,” she says quickly, nerves evident, “I haven’t met you yet! Oh my god, you’re N-?”

The blonde just laughs politely to cut her off, perhaps to save her from her fumbling. “Nicolette, but please call me Nicky. Crystal sent me over, says her and Jaida can’t make it and to bring everything back?” Nicky smiles wide, and her smile makes Gigi think her heart is stopping a little too many times today.

Gigi crumples a little in realization. Of course Jaida would offer to pay for everything, she wouldn’t bother unless it came alongside personally torturing Gigi for fun. Well, nevertheless, it’s not like Jaida can avoid payback. Gigi asks Michelle to upsize everyone’s drinks but Jaida and Crystal’s and adds an extra side of ice cream to her own. Michelle swipes Jaida’s card, hands Gigi her small cup of ice cream, then lets them know to sit at a booth while they fix up everyone’s orders.

Nicky and Gigi sit at the booth nearest the door, and Gigi’s glad for the cup of ice cream to keep her busy because her brain’s running in circles trying to think of something to say while also subtly trying to finally get a good look at her. As Nicky settles into the seat opposite, turning to lay her purse next to her, Gigi can’t help but eye some design on her arms before it’s covered once more by the long sleeves of her blouse. Her platinum blonde hair’s slicked back into a short length, now she realizes it goes a little past her chin, and her makeup is impeccable, sharp smokey eyes and red lips. She’s even more gorgeous up close, and it does absolutely nothing to settle Gigi’s nerves. Gigi’s hands fidget with her small plastic spoon, and she’s hyper aware of how she’s now looking anywhere but the girl sitting across her. Thankfully, Nicky leads the conversation.

“I am sorry it’s taken us so long to meet, I have been having a little bit of a hard time putting myself out there” she says with a drop to her voice, and Gigi instantly feels guilty.

“No, no it’s my fault! I should’ve gone over, I had the chance I’m just,” Gigi breathes when she realizes she’s sped up again, and Nicky’s looking right at her earnestly, “-pretty bad at meeting new people.” She drops Nicky’s gaze and rubs the back of her neck, staring directly down into her ice cream. She realizes she’s coming on very weirdly, and she feels very hot all of a sudden. Stupid Crystal, stupid Jaida, this is exactly why she can’t be trusted alone with a pretty girl. Either Nicky doesn’t realize or realize exactly, either way Gigi’s glad she doesn’t bring up how awkward Gigi’s acting.

“Well, no matter,” she interrupts Gigi’s thoughts with a smile, “I’m glad to have met you now. I heard you were the one who had done the arrangement Jackie brought me on my first day, thank you, it was quite beautiful.”

Gigi softens. “Oh, it was my pleasure! Again, I’m really sorry I hadn’t come along to meet you sooner.”

Nicky waves her off, “Please, stop apologizing, it’s alright, we were both busy. Let’s move forward now, yeah?” She smiles brightly again, and it eases Gigi’s heart in a way she could not explain, nor does she want to confront any time soon. But for now, this is nice.

Gigi smiles back and opens her mouth to respond, when Nicky’s phone suddenly rings from her purse. Nicky quickly swipes it out to check the screen.

“Oh, one moment, it’s a client, I’m so sorry” she says, standing up and stepping out of the booth. Gigi tells her no worries as Nicky steps out of the diner to take the call.

Gigi uses this opportunity to breathe, at the same time finishing her melting ice cream and checking her own phone. She’s got a string of messages, all from the culprits.

shoulders & attitude (and not much else) 🌵🌵 LOL

Clown Whore 🤡👅 GO GIGI!!!!!!

shoulders & attitude (and not much else) 🌵🌵 USE YOUR WORDS BOO ure killin it!!!

Clown Whore 🤡👅 what did we say about the accent? :))) plus isnt she so nice shes a whole ass sweetheart

shoulders & attitude (and not much else) 🌵🌵 omg ice cream u bitch k we deserve it

Clown Whore 🤡👅 oooo yall look like youre on a date already :))

shoulders & attitude (and not much else) 🌵🌵 wtf who callin? she got a man?

Goode, Gooder, Goodenest Gracious! 🌼 YO WTF FUCK YALL WHAT WAS THAT :((( WARN ME, ASSHOLES? I WASNT READY also are you here?? how do you know???

Clown Whore 🤡👅 michelle’s texting us LMAO

Gigi whips her head up to see Michelle at the counter across the diner, phone in hand, typing away. She meets Gigi’s eyes and sends her a wink, laughing mirthfully.

Goode, Gooder, Goodenest Gracious! 🌼 is my whole life snitches and traitors???

Clown Whore 🤡👅 💖💖

shoulders & attitude (and not much else) 🌵🌵 💛💛💛💛

At this point Michelle comes around to the table and carefully sets down the stacks of takeout containers bundled in two plastic bags, but not without patting Gigi on the back and whispering you got this darling. Gigi just groans in exasperation.

Clearly, everyone has it out for her in this life. But she decides that hey, maybe that’s not so bad. They’re her friends and her friends care and they bully her a little but that’s what friends are for. Care enough to call her out on her stupidity and force her to act. What exactly she’s acting on, she’s not quite sure, but things are certainly happening. And she’s finally met Nicky, who is intimidatingly gorgeous but also kind and nice and she’s happy for that. Sure, she’s extremely attractive, but part of her doesn’t even remember why she was so afraid to talk to her in the first place when her presence now seems to both scare and ease Gigi in a way she really can’t name. And while she may not really understand all that she’s feeling maybe, just maybe, that’s okay too.

Nicky steps back into the diner and turns back to Gigi, eyes bright and smile wide.

“Let’s get back to the shops?” she says cheerily, and sticks out her hand for Gigi to hold.

Gigi takes a deep breath, smiles, and takes it. “Yes, let’s.”

[invisibleanonymousmonsters]

Non-Sequential [Ch. 14]

Pairing: Pre-Serum Steve Rogers/Steve Rogers x Reader

One night, Steve Rogers met a beautiful dame named Y/N. He hadn’t intended on letting her get away. But fate had other ideas. Y/N appeared and disappeared in his life so hauntingly that Steve started to wonder if she was an angel meant to watch over him.

Word Count: 2,600

A/N: Hey. Remember when I said I was on a break. LMFAO. I guess when inspiration hits, it hits. 

Chapter 13

Everything hurt. Her body. Her mind. Her heart.

Even the distant, muddled beeping was giving her a migraine.

Why couldn’t it just end?

Y/N was done fighting. She was in too much pain. She just wanted it all to be over. Surely Steve would forgive her. Surely he’d understand. She wasn’t strong like him. She wished she were, but that wasn’t her reality.

“You coming back to the living, kid?” A voice muttered.

Why did they sound like they were underwater?

Y/N urged her eyes to open and even that hurt. The white room was blinding ��� even with all the lights dimmed or turned off.

After a minute of wincing and blinking, her eyes finally managed to adjust to the room.

She looked over to see Tony sitting in a chair next to her bed.

“Where – Where am I?” Y/N asked, trying to look around the room for clues. It felt familiar but also new at the same time.

“You’re in the medical wing of the compound,” he answered promptly.

She relaxed at that.

“You showed up in the middle of Heathrow Airport a couple of days ago. Caused quite a scene actually. Soon as I got word, I flew you back here.”

What really happened was Tony had a fit at the Royal London Hospital. They tried to tell him that he couldn’t take Y/N. That an investigation needed to be made for the mysterious, naked girl who showed up out of nowhere, in one of the biggest airports in the world. The words ‘terrorist’ and ‘national security’ had even been thrown around. But Tony wasn’t having it. When he saw how beat up Y/N was… he couldn’t trust just any doctors to help her.

It didn’t help that the Avengers had been disbanded just days before. That his entire life and family had just been broken. He couldn’t lose any more people. So Tony caused a scene and regretted none of it.

Y/N eyed Tony then, finally taking him in. That was when she saw the bruises and cuts on his face. He’d been in a fight, that was obvious.

Her exhausted and recovering mind slowly processed everything.

“Tony,” Y/N said slowly and carefully, “where is Steve?”

Tony covered his mouth and his eyes looked heartbroken as they watched her. But he didn’t say anything

“Tony,” she repeated more firmly. “Where is he?”

“I don’t know,” he finally answered.

“What’s happened? What did I miss?” Now she had a million questions.

“Battle lines were drawn and sides were chosen…” Tony hesitated. “And Cap…Well, Cap didn’t pick me.”

Y/N was breathing heavily as she realized what he meant.

“The Accords,” she muttered.

“I always knew that war buddy of his meant a lot to him. That doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt when he chose him over me.” He shook his head.

“Can’t you find him, Tony?” Her voice shook as tears began to form. “Please, I…I need him. Please, Tony.”

Tony squirmed in his seat, already knowing he couldn’t give her what she wanted, what she needed, what she was begging for.

“He walks into this building and they won’t let him leave.”

Y/N narrowed her eyes in confusion. “What do you mean?”

“He’s a criminal now, Y/N. He refused to sign, broke the law, and then busted our – his friends – out of the most secure prison in the world.”

Tears were sliding down her cheeks now.

“He’s left me. Now he’s left you.” Tony added bitterly.

Y/N wanted to say he was wrong. But Tony’s anguish was taking over her as well.

“Who’s still here?” She whispered.

But really what she was asking was, ‘Who sided with Steve?’

Tony shrugged and crossed his arms, pretending like he didn’t hate the answer to her question.

“Vision. Rhodey.”

Y/N tried not to gape at him. That was it? That’s all that was left of them?

Tony then leaned forward, balancing his forearms on his knees. “Wanna tell me what happened to you, kid? Who did this to you?”

Y/N didn’t like the sudden attention being shifted onto her. She turned away from him and leaned back into her bed, refusing to meet his gaze now.

“You’re not gonna tell me?” Tony challenged.

She didn’t speak.

“Do you want me to list all the injuries on your patient chart? The docs said you’re lucky to be alive. You were a breath away from death when they found you at the airport.” He sighed and leaned back in his chair as he rubbed his face. “I’m not gonna let that go.”

But Y/N couldn’t talk about it. It was all in the past, literally. There was nothing anyone could do to make it better. It happened and there was no justice that could be served. That was the thing about the past, it just kept haunting you and you could never go back to fight it off.

Y/N didn’t want to talk about the torture. She didn’t even want to think about it.

She just wanted it to go away.

“Y/N…” He tried to urge.

“Please, just leave me alone,” she snapped before he could say anything more.

Tony eyed her with concern. But she didn’t see because she refused to look at him. So he did what she asked and he left her alone.

————————

“She is your…?” This time, T’Challa wanted to know her rightful title.

Steve squinted at the question because no word felt right to him. Y/N was more than his girlfriend. Lover felt cheesy. The idea of soulmate felt right, but that word felt hokey and too misused to be correct.

“She’s my…everything.” Steve finally muttered hesitantly.

Steve had left Wakanda to rescue his friends from the Raft. During that time, T’Challa had become king, defended his throne, and drove his country out of a civil war. 

Steve had returned when T’Challa informed him of Bucky’s recovery, all thanks to his little sister Shuri.

Steve had expected it to take months to cure Bucky’s brainwashing. But Shuri managed to do it in a week. “I would’ve fixed your white boy within days if it hadn’t been for Killmonger,” Shuri had told Steve with exasperation.

T’Challa nodded slowly. “I see.”

He watched the captain closely. T’Challa was wise and observant. He could tell how broken Steve was, how hard he was trying to keep his emotions down. 

Knowing that Y/N was hurt was destroying Steve.

“You cannot go to her?” T’Challa asked carefully.

“They’ll get to me before I get to her. What good would I do her in jail?”

T’Challa nodded slowly and then cleared his throat. “So, we bring her here.”

Steve’s eyes widened. “What?”

“We will retrieve her and bring her to Wakanda.”

“Your Highness, you’ve done more than enough for me. I can’t ask that of you.”

“You did not ask, Captain. I am offering.” He gave him a small smirk. “Wakanda has revealed itself to the world because I want to help those who need it.” Then his face dropped slightly. “She will not receive better medical care anywhere else.”

“She’s…enhanced.” He finally confessed.

“How so?”

Steve rubbed his face. “She travels through time. But she can’t control it. She thinks it’s like a disease. It controls her instead of her controlling it.”

T’Challa doesn’t seemed phases by it. “Perhaps we can help her.”

Steve sighed. “You will be breaking into the Avenger’s compound.”

“Or I will be welcomed,” T’Challa offered with the tilt of his head.

But when he watched Steve’s reaction, there wasn’t the level of excitement or relief he was expecting.

“What is it?” He asked.

Steve shook his head. “I can’t stay here with her. My team…they’re being forced on the run because of me. I can’t just abandon them. The world still needs saving. With or without the Avengers, I can’t sit back and watch bad things happen.”

T’Challa understood his reasoning. He reached forward and gripped Steve’s shoulder. “Then Wakanda will watch over her while you do what you must.”

“T’Challa… I don’t know how I will ever repay you.”

The king smiled. “Captain Rogers, not ever good deed is a debt that needs to be repaid.”

——————

Y/N had been in a complete haze for over a week now. They put her on strong pain killers. So strong that she was barely coherent. But she didn’t care. She was glad something finally made the pain stop.

Except now she knew something was off. She wasn’t groggy anymore. She was fully alert. It just felt like she’d woken up from a very, very long nap.

But she quickly realized she wasn’t at the compound anymore.

“By now, you’d think your western medicine would’ve figured out a way to make painkillers without all the drowsiness.”

Y/N stared at her wide-eyed. A part of her wanted to panic. She wasn’t in a familiar place anymore. This woman – no – this teenage girl was a stranger.

Y/N’s eyes started looking around the room, trying to find something she could use as a weapon. Instead, she realized she was in a place that felt like it was straight out of a sci-fi movie. And that was saying something with all the time she spent around Tony Stark. The tech looked both foreign and ahead of anything she’d seen at the Avengers’ compound.

“Who the hell are you?” She finally asked in a monotone voice, as her eyes still took in the room.

“Oh! Right!” The girl had stopped tapping away on a holographic screen and practically bounced to Y/N’s bedside.

“I am Shuri. You’re in Wakanda.”

Y/N blinked rapidly. “What? Wa-Wakanda?”

Shuri smirked confidently. “Not what you imagined, right?”

“H-How did I even get here?”

Shuri winced a little at the question. “We may have… Well, we stole you.”

The Wakandan princess then proceeded to explain everything that happened while Y/N had been in the past and recovering. She went into much greater than detail than Tony had, giving a third party perspective instead of being so close to it.

“So…” Y/N began, after remaining quiet and listening for half an hour or so, “Steve had you bring me here. But he’s not actually here.”

She didn’t bother hiding her bitterness or irritation. And despite Shuri not knowing her well, she heard it loud and clear.

The princess dipped her head and held a somber look. “It is very clear that he loves you very much. I know he wishes for nothing more than to be here. But he had to help your friends.”

Y/N clenched her jaw. It was obvious that Shuri’s words did nothing to dissipate her anger.

Shuri decided it was best to change the subject. “Would you mind telling me how you sustained these injuries?”

“Yes, I would mind,” Y/N snapped back.

Shuri seemed to have anticipated such a reaction and just nodded slowly.

“Well, I am fully confident that, with Wakandan medicine, we will have you fully recovered in the next couple of weeks.”

Y/N blinked at her. A couple of weeks? The doctors at the compound were throwing months around when they discussed her long recovery.

“I’ll have someone bring you food soon. You must be starving!” Despite Y/N’s foul mood, Shuri didn’t let it hinder her own optimism and upbeat attitude.

Then Y/N caught a glance of a few guards standing just outside her room.

“Are those for you or for me?” Y/N asked.

“You, of course.” Shuri giggled.

Y/N eyed her. “Am I in some sort of danger here?”

“Of course not. However, my brother promised Captain Rogers that he’d protect you. And my brother is a man of his word.”

—————

The sun was nearing the horizon as Shuri approached the hut.

It was never hard to find Bucky. He didn’t venture very far from him his home. He took care of his farm and his animals, never even considered going into the city or visiting his new friends in the palace. They always had to come to him.

It was clear that Bucky liked the isolation.

No matter how many times Shuri promised she’d completely cured him of his brainwashing, it was evident that Bucky still didn’t quite trust himself.

She knew he sensed her coming. Once an assassin, always an assassin. 

He continued working, pretending he wasn’t aware of a visitor the moment she was 50 yards away - even with her being obscured by a forest of trees and bushes.

Shuri leaned against the fence that kept in all the goats. Bucky was feeding them.

“What brings you all the way out here?” He asked without taking his eyes off his task.

“She’s awake.”

Bucky’s eyes snapped to hers. “How is she?”

“Physically? She will make a full recovery.” Then she frowned a bit. “If we left her in America, who knows what they would have butchered.”

Bucky looked at her with sadness. “And beyond physically?”

Shuri played with the chipped wood of the fence. “I do not know. We can help her with that, as well. But she has to want it.”

Bucky nodded slowly and looked around. “Why’d you come all the way down here to tell me? You could’ve easily sent me a message.”

Shuri’s brow furrowed. “I do not know what happened to her. She will not say. According to her chart, she was the same with the medical team at the Avengers’ compound.” Then she sighed. “But I have a feeling you might be able to help her better than any Wakandan medicine or doctor ever could.”

Bucky put his hands on his hips and looked at the ground. “I don’t think I agree with that.”

Shuri wasn’t completely surprised by his indifference. “You knew her once, did you not? Not like Steve, I understand. But you are not a complete stranger to her. I thought, at one point in time, you had even considered her a friend.”

“I’m not that man anymore. That was a different time.”

Shuri became very serious then. “Bucky, do you…” she breathed, “do you know what happened to her?”

He winced. Like him trying to think about it had given him a flash migraine.

“I might,” Bucky admitted. But it was obvious he was very unsure of himself.

“Then why are you so sure that you cannot help her?” Shuri argued.

“Because I haven’t learned how to deal with it either.”

Shuri’s heart broke at how anguished her new friend appeared. She knew not to push it any harder.

“Goodnight, Bucky. I know you enjoy your space out here, but I could always use some company in the lab.”

“Goodnight, Shuri.” He answered back with utter politeness.

As the princess started to make her way back to the palace, Okoye was waiting for her at the top of the hill just beyond Bucky’s hut.

“You sure he is the right choice for helping the girl?” Okoye asked, tone a little cold. Her even gaze stayed on Bucky in the distance. “He is a broken man, as well. He struggles helping himself. What can he do for her?”

Shuri sighed and turned back for one last glance at Bucky.

“It’s not just about what he can do for her. It’s about what they can do for one another.”

Okoye gave a solemn nod. “And the Captain… does he know of this plan?”

“It is his lover and his best friend. I do not see why he would ever disagree with it.”

-----------------------

Chapter 15

I feel like ya gotta tell me how ya feel after I just surprised you with this chapter. (Honestly, it probably surprised me just as much lol.)

[imagining-in-the-margins]

Whew. I got a ton of headcanons to answer for tomorrow, but I’m still open if anyone has any! I included one of them here because I wanted to talk about Jazz & Jealousy more generally.

Answers below the cut 👇

1. Hahah I’m glad you’re excited. I certainly left it on a cliffhanger. I’ve got like 3k words. It’ll be a couple more days at least. Randomly got in the mood for smut so I’m trying to decide what to write. Been in a weird mood. This chapter is very heavy so it’s making me emotional lol. I posted a preview awhile ago that’s here if you haven’t seen it yet.

2. Thank you; I’m glad you enjoyed it! Spencer meant what he said - he’s been with bratty/difficult women before, and he usually has a lot more involved sex with them. It would include a lot more teasing and foreplay, but he didn’t have the time in this scenario. A great example of what he meant is what you see in Never Have I Ever (Part 2)!

3. All Part 2s and Extensions are on hold because I currently have around 50 requests in my inbox for one-shots. If you’re looking for more Dom!Spencer works (and haven’t gone through my Masterlist yet) I suggest: Funhouse Mirror, I Like it Like That, and the newest Jazz & Jealousy.

If it’s just Prof Reid you’re looking for, I’m working on a series about him (The Birds & The Bees).

4. I mean, can you blame him? She was being a brat.

5. Aaaaa I love Peraltiago so much! I agree. This will be less funny than that scene, but the emotions will be very similar.

6. I’m so glad you enjoyed it! It was a blast to write, even though it took me a long time.

7. Sure! If you (or anyone else) have any more specific ideas for Clumsy!Reader, I’d be glad to double up with this request. I’m glad you enjoyed Not Your Backup! It is a unique Reader I don’t get to write a lot.

8. You’re in luck! I wrote a whole fic with him (I Like it Like That)! We’ll also see Jealous!Spencer in Vested Interest, Bro Code, Catalyst, and, to some extent, Here to Misbehave.

9. Hello Anon! I do remember you! Unfortunately, I do not remember my answers to your questions, lmfao. So I might be repeating myself 😅 Bear with my terrible memory, please! I love how much you care about my behind the scenes. It’s very flattering and I appreciate you. Now onto your questions:

Stories I’m super excited to publish: The Birds & The Bees. It’s my new series and I’m obsessed with it, but I know it’ll be hard to maintain everything I already have going on. Also looking forward to Big Bad Wolf (Innocent Kink) and My Boss’s Daughter (Hotch’s Daughter Reader).

Stories that were hard to publish: Schrodinger’s Part 2 and Not Your Backup. I’m so relieved people enjoyed them.  Part 14 of H2M was also very hard. I’m still not a big fan of it, although it does have the most comments of any of my fics.

10. Any new favorites... Hrmm... I was actually really happy with Jazz & Jealousy. And of course, Teacher’s Pet (which is now by far my highest ranking fic among readers, too).

Schrodinger’s Part 2 was the hardest to write. I justified a lot of the team’s reactions based on things that happened off screen, but it still felt very out of character for most of them. H2M Part 14 was close behind. I hate action sequences.

I haven’t struggled inspiration wise for anything lately. In my requests though, I’m struggling with Lost Time and It’s Personal.

Most fun to write... Bi the Way. Very cute. Also the quickest (because it’s pretty short, and it was straightforward). I did write J&J very quickly once I actually sat down and did it, though.

New requests I’m most looking forward to: It’s Too Cliche (”I Won’t Say I’m in Love” FWB fic) and Different Dialects (Autistic!Reader). There are a ton of great ones, though! Thanks for all the questions!

Everyone stay safe and happy as can be! I love you all! 🥰

[szopenhauer]

Do you like Chanel purses? no

When was the last time you had Pepsi? ages ago

Do you know anyone with exaggeratedly big muscles? not personally

What is your favorite endangered animall? elephant

Can you name someone with the same last name as you? my parents

Who was the last person to scream your name? ...

By the way, that wasnt meant to be perverted.  too late  I have no idea why I thought about that - no one ever screamed my name this way and nobody ever will :x

Do you struggle to articulate your thoughts and feelings? it seems Name something that you are doing tonight. nothing and I realized that I don’t want to go to sleep more than ever before, I just don’t want to wake up tomorrow and yet I’m scared of dying (suffering)

Do you like the smell of a barbecue? nah

Would you date an 18 year old at the age you are now? too young for me Are you more likely to show affection through your words or your actions? words I guess Do you have an easy time falling asleep? I wish Are you a crier? crybaby Do you like to wear makeup? no Do you have a high tolerance for people? pfft Do you like your bed? why not How many times have you been to the ER? few

Are you wearing shorts? basically never

Do you eat randomly, just whenever the hell you want? ...

Did you have trouble getting up this morning? yeah What’s a few things that automatically make you go, “Awww”? cute little dogs Do you have soft hands? Do you like holding hands? do I? I like to hold hands tho What’s your opinion on perfumes that are REALLY expensive?  dumb, I hate perfume but expensive - that is ridiculous! Have you ever really hated a teacher and practically made it clear you did? Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know. Are you a little bit cautious around horses? Do they scare you a bit? I’m just a cautious person in general  If you could live next door to ANYONE, who would you want to live beside? love of my life, I mean - we can live together but for now it would be cool if we were neighbors at least, you know what I mean? Do you think your friends are pretty? Do your friends think your pretty? what friends... Are you currently worried about your parents finding out about something? maybe mom about that one particular thing that starts on S and ends with X

What is your opinion on air pollution? less cars!

Were you forced to read ‘The Odyssey’ in high school? from what I remember

Who was the last person to come visit you? M.

When was the last time you shaved your legs? recently

Do you own any superhero shirts? nope

What is your opinion on the “Team Edward/Team Jacob” shirts? I dislike Twilight

If you had to teach a class, what would you teach? if I really had to then art

How did your parents meet each other? personal

What profession do you think is the most under-appreciated? garbage collectors, those who clean the streets or hospitals, postmen etc.

Have you ever drawn on someone while they were sleeping? don’t do that

Does time really heal all wounds? Or is that just a trivial saying? trivial saying

Where is your favorite place to take a nap? I don’t do naps but my bed

Would you rather lose all your old memories, or never be able to make new ones? not be able to make new

Have you ever swerved off the road to avoid hitting an animal? I don’t drive

What’s a tradition you hope never dies out? it’s a secret

Do you have any exes you’d consider dating again? I’m dating my ex 

Have you ever went a year without getting your hair cut? yes Do you think you could go a week without sugar? without sweets? I already do, I don’t even drink tea with sugar  Would you be willing to go one day each week without meat? absolutely Do you feel comfortable telling people how much you weigh? whatever Are you any good at sewing? I know basics Have you looked at any old photos of yourself lately? this year Do you carry a calculator around with you everywhere? I don’t need it that often Do you like to plan things out or just go with the flow? plan but not strictly

Do you garden at all? If so, what types of things do you grow? I help my parents which I find pointless because there is always much more work than results Do you consider cooking to be an art? when done right How many pairs of sunglasses do you own? too many considering that I barely wear ‘em ^^” Are you a fast or slow reader? fast Would you ever spend $500 on concert tickets? hell no Do you know anyone who looks like you? there was a gal who was similar to me on tumblr but younger than me, I lost contact with her  Do you get nervous when you go to the doctor?  yeah :( Are you a short tempered person? oh well...

Does it take a lot to gross you out? I’m easily grossed out  Last time you seen an ocean: never saw ocean in person Do you collect sea shells? not as much as I used to

What is one change you need to make in your life this month? lets not talk about it, ok?

Would you have sex with the last person you texted? done Are you planning on kissing anyone tomorrow evening? she’s gonna be busy working Do you require a lot of private time? yasss Have you ever told a guy you were a lesbian to get him to leave you alone? it’s because I’m a lesbian lmfao If you have a favorite television show, who’s your favorite character? in my most fav shows plot was more important to me than characters tbh, it’s hard to explain, I hope I’m not the only one who thinks this way haha but in Buffy I didn’t like Xander and Angel was annoying even though he was necessary, I wasn’t a fan of Faith and didn’t understand Riley existence in the universe, also Dawn changed a lot for worse but I swallowed it with patience, in Call the midwife I felt crappy when they took Chummy and Jenny away, I didn’t watch newest episodes so I have no idea who Lucille and Valerie are, I horribly miss sister Evangelina :(

What’s the best part about flying? don’t ask me, I’ve never been on a plane

Did you ever watch Sailor Moon? fragments

Chocolate or Vanilla ice cream? vanilla

If you had to get glasses would you wear contacts? I’d prefer glasses

Are mac’s really better than PC’s? I’m a PC gal

D0 y0u l1k3 t0 t@lk l1k3 a 5c3n3 k1d? *cringe*

When you were red and green clothes do you feel like a Christmas Tree? lol

What TV show has the best theme song? hard choice

New Year’s Plans? I don’t plan to live that long

Would you agree that Sex and The City is the best show ever? no way, I didn’t even care enough to watch one episode of it

Do you call your friends with red hair “ranga’s”? wtf

Have you ever been surfing? me? surfing? r u kidding?

Would you feel funny if you kissed somebody of the same sex? excuse me, I’m into women exclusively

Name a thing in your room that other probably don’t have in theirs: me ha!

What’s your best jacket like? comfy :3

What’s something you can cook or bake like a pro? nothing 

If you could pull off any hairstyle, what would it look like? I have couple of ideas ;)

What is the worst thing that happened so far today? my failed appointment as I didn’t get any answers nor help for my heart condition and allergies and that was the last attempt, I have no other ways of fixing things to survive next months, my life;s officially over, I only have suffering and fear left, I’m a burden and I want to kill myself sooner than food or cardiac arrest 

Did that ruin your day? it ruined my LIFE

What’s something good you’re looking forward to? sweet relieve of death?...

What’s something that you think is really cute?

*wish it was mine

Describe your feet: eww, why, better not

If you see somebody crying, do you start crying too? depends

How do you like your hoodies? oversized, without kangaroo pocket in front and/or a zipper, yuk

Is having to pee really badly worse than being really thirsty? it is to me at least

Were you a cute baby? I was a red haired potato

Are you talking to anybody right now? online 

How tall are your tallest socks? I kept my rainbow knee high socks but I don’t use them anymore

Are you waiting for a phone call? at night?...

Do you look forward to swimsuit season, or get really nervous? I was skipping swimsuit seasons for over 10 years until this summer - I bought the cheapest and went to stand/walk in the water and sit on a beach despite my insecurities 

If you could live for a year with any foreign family, where would you go? don’t wanna, scary

What do you wish people would pay you to do? browse the internet XD

Do you take good pictures? I try

Should you be doing something else right now? wash my hair, drink water, commit suicide - who knows

Did that question make you nervous? that question made me sad 

Why don’t girls like porn? some enjoy it 

Tell me a memory of this summer: this summer is all about romantic love, illnesses and nostalgy

Do you think it’s pretty when 100s of balloons are let loose into the sky? a waste but still pretty, sorry love, I know you’d be irritated so don’t worry - I will never do smth like that to ya

[unproduciblesmackdown]

i'd like to hear about your resentment and distrust of tom hanks

i’ve been trying to think of how i could answer in a funny enough way lmfao i’m always too close to [getting genuinely annoyed] and just not good at writing anything, i am here to use too many words and go off on tangents.........you’d think it’d be slightly easier to be Humorous about it b/c tom hanks is really on the low-tier of my celebrity [haters list]......i don’t know much about him and i’m not that serious about my ire for him. low stakes. sort of like alex trebek.

probably the primary factors here are “i never see a lot of shit and like [whatever actor or franchise or anything else] is rarely like, oh this is Longtime Beloved Whatever to me,” also i’m easily annoyed, and also god knows i’m always like so averse to Wholesomeness lmfaooo

you know how tom hanks has the whole brand as like, the safely likeable hero by now lol, well the first time i really remember ever taking specific note of tom hanks was eons ago when whatever film got thrown out where he’s our hero and those nefarious Somalian Pirates push him around and i’m seeing these trailers like, our marketing strategy is just racism huh????? like prior to this i dont know that id ever actually watched anything w/ tom hanks but say toy story a couple times, im neutral on him but now my first like particular association makes his “america’s wholesome dad” image totally un-neutral lmao like get out of here with that, every time i’m just made to remember the shittiest use of it. for another thing i’m not gonna enjoy anyone’s Dad energy lol 9/10 dads line up to get beat up in a parking lot please! or get out of here. plus he’s an actual dad? cringe af

i resent all that and i distrust like, Universally Beloved Perfectly Harmless lmao.......there’s this nuance where like. if you someone who Acts Nice to people that’s whatevs. but when it’s like, oh this is So Genuine, this is Not An Act, this person just isn’t even choosing to be kind and likeable b/c they simply Are so inherently purely wholesome and i’m like, fuck off with that lmfao!!! i don’t know much about tom hanks and would choose to keep it that way and i know he’s Known for being nice but i feel like he is also reasonably in the Acting Nice As A Choice And You’re Not Really Meant to Think He’s Just Pure And Wholesome category, but like, i Can and Will start to pettily dislike people when Everyone Else starts to construct this concept of this like soft bean celeb who is pure and so objectively likeable and that’s all totally Genuine.......afaik there’s no big Tom Hanks Stans content activity that any of us would have to try to evade. ooh here we go the tldr feels like i don’t like whenever the concept of some person being [genuinely harmless] is out there lmfao. it’s a lot worse when someone’s trying to put it out there Themself and i at least get the idea that this is more of the Persona that other people have put uponst tom the hanks engine but i will still slightly distrust it. 

total sidenote but the other way that [wholesomeness] really rankles me, essentially unrelated here, is when it’s got that ~juxtaposition~ where it’s like oh check out this cute soft content BUT WAIT.......what if there was the f-word also, or talking about Sex, or otherwise ~edgier~ or Mature content!!!! sure would be a shame if this was like 90% of the shtick.............like don’t try to tell me how to react to your content. don’t put the painfully cutesy music over an Playing-Around Animal vid, i will be the judge of whether it’s adorable or not, i don’t need you to cue me in with a xylophone or something. just like i don’t need you attempting to blow my mind by dropping “fuck” or “penis” in the next-to-last line of the first verse of your song even though you are entirely gently playing the ukulele, holy fucking shit right.......no [comic w/ like pbs-kids-esque character design but for grown up people who aa] will go like two strips without starting to grate on me like hell lmao i Will be a killjoy and a hater.....not on my watch. not today. not in my content feeds. that’s a tangential gripe

and as a postscript the podcast that i thought was going to be ironically anti-hanks but which instead disappoints me with regular disclaimers that it’s not anti-hanks at all is called dead eyes. i mention it because ive continued to listen anyways b/c i thought the host was kinda funny and i’m biased now towards nasal-voiced not-super-Known actors, which he is. except then also in the weeks since it debuted i started to see a good handful of disparate sources recommending it also. i feel like i don’t 100% *get* what the show is even now lol, but i do like, enjoy listening to it enough that i still listened to an ep just two days ago, so idk. it’s Out There. and i guess if you *like* tom hanks it’s also like, got some indirect content for all the hankies of the world? or something.

[bigskydreaming]

So this is...its a thing. Let’s go with that. I’ve been calling around LA for pretty much all of last week, going through every oral surgeon I can find to see if they do the surgery I need and what their schedules are like, how soon I could get into surgery, etc, and also I’ve been asking literally everyone I know if they know of anyone, have a referral, etc. Even reached out to this old client of mine from back when I was doing sex work, years and years ago, to see if he knew anyone in LA with connections at Cedars Sinai or another hospital, like, to see if they could even just check with their hospital to see what visiting doctors specialize in that kinda thing. Keeping in touch with people from my sex work days, lol, is not something I normally did, or do. He’s literally the only one, and that’s because it just....kinda happened? *Shrugs* He's not a regular presence in my life or anything like that, just the only one from those days that for various reasons, I kinda kept in casual contact with - which for me pretty much meant that I called him or he called me like, a couple times a year to just be like hey how you been. And it’d been a couple years to be honest, cuz like....*gestures at the last two years* 

LOLOL. I guess I just have very low standards for people keeping in contact with me. Who knows why. One of those inexplicable mysteries I guess.

But point is, he got back to me like, the same day, and acted as a go between for me with this old friend of his, who works at Cedars Sinai as a chaplain, their non-denominational one...last week, at the time, I was only focused on the advice part of the email he sent after he asked around the hospital for recommendations, and it kinda didn’t even register that this guy wasn’t just....had connections at Cedars Sinai, but was actually working there himself (for some reason, I thought he was in a different state when first put in contact with him, whatever). Let alone what his title there was. So he gave a recommendation that I’m following up on today, and I just called the old client of mine who put me in touch with him to clarify a few things he’d say, and it only then hit me where this friend of his worked, and so I asked how long he’d worked there and turns out it was two years.

Which was...when my aunt killed herself. And that was where she worked.

So. Like. This random guy who I’ve never met before, doing a favor for me as a favor for this guy who used to pay me for sex and kinda almost accidentally ended up as like...a casual but distant friend, is literally the guy who was hired to replace my aunt as the non-denominational chaplain at Cedars Sinai when she died two years ago.

And I don’t have the first fucking clue what to do with that?

Like....I’ve always considered myself ‘comfortably agnostic,’ like I’m more than willing to believe a higher power exists, I’m just not all that concerned with forming a definitive idea of what that might be or look like or want. I hate organized religion with a passion because lol, repressive Catholic upbringing, and I’ve just never felt a particular need to go out and look for faith in anything other than myself and like....the things in life I actually value, y’know? I’m of the mindset that like, I figure if I do things cuz they’re the right things to do and try and live a good life where I’m helpful to people and empathetic and compassionate, whatever that Higher Power’s specific deal is, they’re either gonna decide that’s good enough for them when I die, or if its not good enough on its own merits, like...idk why I would even want anything from them or anything to do with them anyway? Like sure God, send me to hell because the only thing that really matters in the end is I didn’t sign up for your official email mailing list or whatever the fuck. Nope. 

So religion and faith and spirituality have never been a big...thing for me, or part of my life, its not something I really feel like, a void for not having or whatever. I don’t have an issue with what anyone else believes or why, up until the point where their personal faith apparently requires them to like....impinge upon my actual life and ability to live it the way I choose to....but I’m not like that dude who goes around trying to poke holes in peoples’ faith, just like...respect that I’m not interested in a sales pitch and we’re cool, y’know? Like my aunt was a chaplain, literally the only person in my family who ever kept in regular contact and like, made a point to check on how I was doing and shit and like...idk, loved me, is I guess the word to use? LMFAO. But like....yeah, she was the only relative I actually felt valued by, and thus the only one I really had anything like a regular or ongoing relationship with....*shrugs* So like yeah, whatever. She believed things that I don’t necessarily NOT believe, but more just have never felt a need to explore or try and decide just WHAT exactly I believe or put a name or a description to it.

And I’ve never been someone who sees signs in stuff that happens, nooooooot a fan of fate or destiny as a general concept and like....I’ve got no problem believing that things like ghosts or demons or anything like that could exist, y’know, things that just can’t be explained by science or anything near to our current understanding of reality at least....I’ve just never had anything remotely close to something I would describe as an encounter with the supernatural, or demonic or divine or anything really...spiritual, I guess?

So.....I don’t know what to feel about this, lol. Like, I’m trying not to read anything into it, like y’know....a sign, haha, not because I wouldn’t like to think that my aunt is still looking out for me in some way, I guess, maybe? Like, of course I’d like to think that, I miss her. A lot. And actually have been randomly thinking about her a bunch lately, like at weird times like, I don’t know what it is that made me stop and think of her, my thoughts go there? So I mean....I’m just saying....it wouldn’t break my brain or upend my entire worldview to accept that could actually happen or be a thing, its more just that I’ve gotten my hopes up so many damn times this past year in specific, that I’m just like....I cant afford to pin my hopes on THIS, like that this is ‘a sign’ that this time, its going to work out? But at the same time, its SO FUCKING SPECIFIC a connection like, and in such a WEIRD fucking round about way, that its pretty much impossible NOT to try and read something into it? Like, the guy who replaced her never even MET her, she’s literally just the woman who had his office before him and well. Is probably just remembered as a depressing story around the hospital, to be totally honest, cuz like, there’s not a lot of follow up that tends to happen when you ask so what happened to her and the answer is well, she killed herself, y’know?

So its like, how do you not get your hopes up even just a little bit, from thinking about that......which I figure means, oops, further to fall and crash and burn if this lead fizzles out too and I got my hopes up for nothing, but if it does pan out, like....I guess that’s kinda the point of faith in a higher power in the first place, lol, to hope for better or believe that there’s a point to all this or a place this all is headed, idk.

But then also now I just fucking miss her too, like, even more than usual, and thinking the shit I’ve tried really really really goddamn hard not to think about for the past two years, like how I know she had her own mental health struggles and even physical health issues, and I know better than to fucking blame her and yet there’s that part of me that wants to fucking throw a tantrum about how i need her and how could she leave me alone with just the rest of my useless fucking joke of a family, but then there’s the other part of me that’s like well I obviously wasn’t the help she needed either, so its not like I’ve got any right to think I was owed her presence or help or anything like that, its just. Idk. I miss her. I need her. I love her, like there’s so many things I want to tell her that I never got the chance to because I didn’t just fucking take the chances I had when they were actually available and there are so many more things I wish she’d told me, and just. I knew she cared, at least. No matter how detached I felt from the rest of my family or just like...fuck family in general, lol, she was the one person there who I never doubted like...just cared. About me. Gave a shit, showed up, wanted me to actually be happy and wanted that to look like whatever I wanted it to look like, didn’t give a fuck what other people thought my happiness should look like or require.

And its just like, maybe this is just a really weird, strange, major coincidence or maybe its a sign of something or proof of something and maybe it doesn’t even matter, bc like...I was just gonna say that its not like I even NEED the answers or to know, but like lol, dumbass, the fact that I’m actually asking the questions or getting worked up over whether or not I actually believe this means something or I just WANT to believe it means something, like, would tend to suggest I’m shitting myself and I DO actually want the answers which suggests maybe I’m not actually as agnostic or at least not comfortable with being agnostic as I’ve told myself, which....oh fucking hell. Am I having an existential crisis? Is that what this is? Jfc I better not be having a fucking spiritual awakening or whatever the fuck, like that is not what I need, this is NOT the time for that, literally nobody asked and I should know, Ive been here the whole time and nope nope nope this guy is not your ‘but the real salvation came from finding strength and purpose in something greater than myself in my most dire time of need’ narrative or whatever like I FUCKING REFUSE, my belief system can go to the BACK OF THE LINE until I’m good and ready to deal with it on MY time, I didn’t sign on to do a rewrite of some modernized Book of Job shit, literally any other thought in my brain is invited to step the fuck right up because THANK YOU, NEXT, I just willingly made an Ariana Grande reference because I can think of nothing more suitably over the top dramatic short of tossing my hair which is much too short to toss but again I insist nooooooooooooooope.

Like, love you and miss you Aunt Diane, and if that is you looking out for me plz know I’m very grateful even tho it totally doesn’t sound like it, but like, you know me well enough to know that I like....object to this timing and context on principle, WHICH YES HELLO I AM AWARE SOUNDS FUCKING STUPID NOW THAT IM TYPING IT OUT YET IT PERSISTS SO LIKE WHATEVER AND STUFF....just. I am me, and thus I shall super gratefully take like....just a smidgen of hope and optimism or whatever from this offering so like, I don’t want to be RUDE, but then Im gonna put the rest of it back in its box and shove it alllll the way to the back of my Pressing Priorities and unpack all that at a very fucking much later date, thank you ever so much, because like....I gotta be me, and I have been partners in crime with my Cynicism for way too long to just bail on him now, like, what kind of person would I be if I just cut and run on the anthropomorphized negative outlook that has helped see me through life oh so jadedly until now? 

Ugh wtf, why am I like this, is it free will or is it God or is God even real or did Cthulu eat god or is God’s actual name Sonya and like I have no clue where I’m going with any of this, look the answer is obviously that a faithless blasphemous heretical fucker has phone calls to make today, and nobody’s finding the light here, nope, nope, NOOOOOPE, my motel’s one shitty lightbulb works GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.

[the-prophet-lemonade]

sorry if you’ve answered this before, but for cold night, i was wondering how you chose the time period? why you thought it was best fit? it’s definitely enhancing it but i wanted to know

hello!!! i haven’t answered this before and it’s actually a really great question with a couple of answers :D

a cold night is largely derivative of alan moore’s watchmen, which is set in an alternate 1980s new york where nixon is in the white house for a third term and the cold war plays out with superhero involvement. now, the watchmen movie is a hot clusterfuck that took me at least 10 attempts to watch all the way through, but the cinematography, atmosphere, and premise? i adore them so so much, and i was really inspired to write something similar, as i haven’t written noir, crime, or horror as genres before now. watchmen as a film is complex and gritty and entirely lit in blue neon, and that is an aesthetic that appeals to me a great deal, as well as the whole concept of superheroes for pay, corrupted superheroes, mercenary superheroes … basically just a different brand of hero to your classic steve rogers or tiny stark. i really wanted to return to the vigilante aspect of superheroism, which i find missing from universes like marvel and dcu which are all about saving the world from giant aliens or what have you. i wanted to focus of this fic to be superheroes vs politics and superheroes vs society and superheroes vs the time period and the prejudices that accompanied it.

but i didn’t want to make a carbon copy of watchmen, and i happen to know more about the 1990s than 1980s, which is why i moved it forward a decade. i have a great interest in cold war history having studied it in depth when i was younger, and i also wanted to tie the narrative to a particular historical event that happened in november 1991, which is spoilers for now, but will be revealed later. i also knew i wanted to tie the story into the aids crisis, but not set it during the height of the reagan years, which is why i chose the bush presidency to focus on, as the damage he did to the lgbt community and those infected wit aids is often overlooked compared to reagan. a lot of people don’t realise how short a time ago the aids crisis happened, so it was important to me to spell it out and use it as a backdrop for a cold night, but present is realistically and brutally, as it deserves to be told. there are a lot of parallels to be drawn about how the world in this fic treats both gay men and supers, which makes for an interesting narrative touch imho … that early scene where sentinel comes out to nightlock and nightlock wonders whether he’s lost more friends to being targeted for their sexuality or being targeted for their superpowers is a very formative scene of the whole fic and one i had in mind from the get-go. 

i also wanted to write a period fic as a challenge to myself, as i haven’t really done a proper one before (i did an 1920s oneshot once but that doesnt really count as i wrote it in maybe 5 days lol). having a particularly setting is fun from a world building aspect because it means you have to think about language and pop culture phrases and technology of the era … the 1990s is good for the supers fic because it’s the dawn of the information age, with mobile phones and desktop computers just taking off, but not really of wide use yet. i wanted to add a handicap to the supers by not giving them access to the internet or mobile phones, which makes getting in contact with each other more difficult, and also allows for more of a suspensions of belief when it comes to them not figuring out who each other is for so long lmfao … and it also meant i could play up on the aesthetic of using telephone booths in the pouring rain because that’s a Thing

technically, however, a cold night doesn’t happen in ~our~ 1990s … it’s still an alternate universe 1990s, just like watchmen. and the one thing that makes it an au 1990s? in our universe, the spice girls formed in 1994, but in sentinel and nightlock’s universe, it was 1992. all so i could make a really dumb joke in a later chapter lol