#me: oh buddy lemme tell you about BIRDS

[paradoxgavel]

my therapist got me started on the process of receiving a proper autism diagnosis today!

[my-name-is-jefferooni]

Have you ever even heard of…

BECAUSE OH MY GOD SEARCH FOR THE LOST IS SUCH AN UNDERRATED GEM OF A FAN-MADE SONIC SHOW

Okay, allow me to give you some additional context before just bombarding you with all the many reasons why you need to watch this show.

Search for the Lost is a fan-made production created by Creative Planet Entertainment on YouTube. This shit has been around for 6 whole years, and it is such a good show! Made entirely out of g-mod screenshots/screen recordings and Sonic gameplay, Search for the Lost is a show about Silver the Hedgehog and his friends figuring out what Melhiles of all people is doing back in action, and why the fuck he’s working with Eggman of all people. Also, why is Infinite back… AND WHAT’S ALL THIS TALK ABOUT A PROPHECY!?

OH AND BLAZE IS HERE TOO!?!?

AND THERE’S THIS NEW GUY CALLED FORGE WHO IS LITERALLY THE BEST IN THE ENTIRE SHOW HANDS DOWN 100000P0/10 BEST BOI BEST ROBO BUDDY EVER HE’S SUCH AN IDIOT AND SUCH A HILARIOUS GUY HE’S LIKE THE ONLY ONE WHO MAKES GOOD JOKES HE IS LITERALLY THE BEST EVER I LOVE FORGE

Aight lemme just give a quick spoiler-free explanation about Forge because I know yall are looking at this like “Who tf is Forge?? Some kinda fan character or something??” Because… Yeah, he is a fan character, BUT A VERY GOOD ONE AND HIS DYNAMICS WITH EVERYONE WORK LIKE A CHARM I TELL YOU HE IS NOT JUST SOME RANDOM SONIC RECOLOR.

Cuz he’s a Metal Sonic recolor! 🤩 Haha, well to be fair, they literally call out Sonic recolors in the show with this fact. It’s in Forge’s story! Basically, Forge once worked with Silver in his bad timeline in Crisis City, but the ashes and the chemicals were too much for his small little itty bitty bird lungs. So, to keep himself from slowing everybody down, he managed to shove his consciousness into an old Metal Sonic model. A black-and-yellow one, kinda like the one from Archie except a lot less like Sonic personality-wise and a lot more like Sonic visually. With all these new robotic upgrades, Forge became a force to be reckoned with, and became one of Silver’s bestest friends after the whole Iblis thing. Oh, and he ships Silvaze like it’s nobody’s business, so that obviously gets an A+ from me lmao

I may have gotten carried away with that explanation and maybe there’s some spoilers in there but it’s late and I’m sleepy so you’ll only know if you watch the show~! ✨🙂

Seriously tho. This show is very underrated. I’ve been keeping tabs on it for years now, ever since episode 5 came out! Trust me, that’s a long time. They have their plates full when it comes to personal things and it’s a big project so episodes come out after a long time in production.

There are only 7 episodes so far, but each episode is jam-packed full of lore and giving us more questions on top of every answer! It brings back characters we haven’t seen for a long while, and it always provides a reasonable explanation as to why some of them have been gone and why some just like. Cut contact or something. There’s characters from previous games, from Sonic X, from Archie, from IDW, BRO WE GOT GAMMA IN HERE BAYBEEEEE IF THAT AINT FREE REAL ESTATE IDK WHAT IS.

AND DON’T FORGET HEAVY AND BOMB FROM KNUCKLES CHAOTIX. PLEASE. PLEASE DON’T FORGET ABOUT THEM THEY’RE HERE TOO AND THEY’RE LOVELY

So. Please. Please just watch this show. Please look at all the additional content with Forge on their channel too, it’s fucking hilarious! Just… I wanna talk to someone about this show who isn’t just my lil bro. Like I love getting to bombard him with bullshit about characters he’s never even heard about until watching this show but I gotta know I’m not the only one. Please. These people are working so hard on Search for the Lost and I’d really appreciate if you even saw just one or two episodes. The story is very intriguing, the characters are all so well-written, TEAM DARK IS THERE, FORGE GETS A WEAPON OF MASS DESTRUCTION, so I say it’s all totally worth it!

[chimckennoodlesoup]

Somnium's tail flicked in exasperation as they silently waited in the ship's lobby for Vagrant to be done mingling with the other guests. The Gieeg had (surreptitiously) booked tickets for themselves and their partner to go on a luxury space cruise, which they figured would be a welcome respite from their usual routine of traveling the stars and looking for problems to solve...

Only, it was awfully hard to kick back and relax when Vagrant was off with the luggage and the keys to their room, doing who knows what and talking to who knows who.

Yes, Vagrant was carrying their things... the human had insisted on being the one to do so, despite only having one arm to make do with. "You're the one who planned this whole darn thing," they had argued. "Lemme give you a hand! Besides, it's not like we're takin' a whole bunch of stuff..." Fair enough. Most of it was Vagrant's clothes, Somnium had to suppose. And some odds and ends-

"'Ey, partner! Quit standin' around and let's go see our room already!"

Somnium snapped to attention! They looked down to see Vagrant, who was tugging on their arm. "Oh, bellhop! I didn't see you down there!"

"Bold words, for someone whose stuff I'm carryin'!" Vagrant flashed a cheeky grin. "For your information, wise guy, I was just catchin' up with some of our pals! Bumped into Degirue, and then Myke an' Ariine..."

"Really?" Somnium's head tilted as they led the way to the central elevators. "Fancy meeting all of them here..."

"Well, can't blame 'em for havin' the same idea. It is a great season for a cruise, after all! ...Probably." Vagrant set their bags down for a spell as the elevator began to rise. "Hard to tell in space. I suppose any season's a great season when y'aren't fightin' pirates or gettin' pelted with asteroids... hey? Look!"

Through the glass wall of the elevator, Vagrant had spied a familiar pair of Arkans, who were riding the opposite elevator going down. They tried, in vain, to grab the attention of the other two.

"Is that... Cercil and Uno?" Somnium peered over the head of their partner to get a better look.

"Naw, I'm sure it's just some other cyborg and one-eyed, cloak wearin' pal!" Vagrant guffawed.

"Don't make me turn this ship around!" Though Somnium's arms were crossed, the smile on their face betrayed their amusement.

"Go ahead, silly! Ship's not even movin' yet! Heard we're on a slight delay... after a mix-up at the front desk involvin' an hombre wearin' some kinda mask." Vagrant was the first to step off of the elevator as it reached their floor.

"A... mask?" Somnium repeated as they followed suit.

"Yeah. Saw 'im on the way in. It was a cool mask! Some of the other guests seemed a little uncomfy about it, but hey. Life's a masquerade, we all got our masks..." Vagrant shrugged.

"Mmm." Somnium nodded their assent as Vagrant turned the keys to their room. "A fair point."

"Hoo, boy! Lookit all this!" Vagrant threw down their belongings before jumping directly onto the large bed at the center of the extravagant suite. "Dang, this place is fancy!"

"Glad you're already having fun. Don't mind me..." In sharp contrast to their partner, Somnium was already reading over the emergency evacuation itinerary. After all, it was better to be safe rather than sorry! It looked like each cabin was part of a buddy system in the event of an emergency, and their assigned buddies were...

"Kaylin and Kai Madrid?" Vagrant had already made themselves at home, and was leaning over Somnium's arm to read. "Well I'll be! Small world, hey?"

"Quite... we have more than a few friends with us on this voyage, it seems. And from all over." Somnium folded the pamphlet neatly before tucking it away.

"An' I bet we'll make more friends, too! One was taggin' along with Degi, even." Vagrant fell back onto the bed, which was luxuriously soft. "Kulgen was his name. He's a Gieeg, too, and really into Earth culture and the like. So-"

"Just like Degirue. Birds of a feather really do flock together, eh?" Somnium chuckled. "I'm sure we'll have the opportunity to socialize more at dinner. For now... Vagrant?"

The human, who had apparently been more tuckered out than they let on, was already snoozing on the criminally comfortable bed.

"Ahahahaha. Here's to a relaxing vacation, then, hmm?"

[urutaguja]

How to Calm and Get Along with Your Seek: A guide for people that the Entities have known you for some reason/have liked you or even just adopted you cuz lmao human looks cool let's let it in our hotel fam

A Part Two of the First Guide "How To Calm Your Grumpy Seek"

Have you read our first guide before? If so, you probably know what to do during Grumpy Seek time, good on you! How about if I told you there are more ways to calm AND get along with your Seek??? That's right, that is indeed a possibility!

In this guide, I will write about more ways to calm and also advise you to get along with your Seek, harm's free!

A way to calm Seek using no tupperwares is to distract it doing something stimulating! You may have seen the paintings he has inhabited in such rooms before reaching, so this can only mean he likes to copy and morph into one. Present your Seek with something big, like a teddy bear, a chair (don't even think about it, I see u) and even an animal like a bird or a lizard. Let it study and take shape, it distracts his amgry mind into thinking "oh, shape this into that... Lemme just morph into this thing".

If your Seek hates talking, try to read to it with Figure! As much as you are to be careful, Figure actually enjoys Seek's company, have a reading session with them! And make sure to bring water and spare clothes, cuz Seek is an oozy, messy fellow to get snuggled of.

If you carry food, only do so if you like to spoil your Seek with rare treats. And yes, he can taste flavors. See which one is the best for him as he tells you.

Don't hug your Seek unless you desire a long session of being carried with hands, limbs and not let go for... Idk, hours.

If Seek is dripping in a slow manner... RUN.

Seek likes movement, introduce your Seek with exercise, especially running and jogging!

If you leave the tupperware open, gently jiggle the container with Seek in it, he enjoys the waved swaying movements and it actually lulls it into a beauty sleep.

If your Seek follows you, let it. As long as it doesn't feel like dreadful.

Do you sleep all of the time? Seek will greatly become your blanket to steal your warmth. A good sleep buddy.

If he's hungry, you'll know. He kind of smells like tar and rotten wood, feed him if there is nothing he can hunt.

Lonesome Seek? Let him be. It's his way of isolating himself in a destressful manner.

Always take your Seek to the library if you go. Trust me on this one. Just take him there with you or you will wish you had. He won't kill you but, depresso Seek is not even a sad sight, it's actually hurtful (you monster!)

If you ever boop a snoot, boop his chest! He may also take your hands to BOOP YOURS! HA! Uno reverse!

That's all I got for now, now go forth and stay alive!

Hope y'all like it! This one is a lil... Meh, since I didn't think much as I could lately, feelin tired and it's about to be 3 am.

Pls suggest and reblog if you think of an idea! I'll def see it that way!

[sergeantsporks]

Another Shot at Life

Rating: General Audiences, Gen

TW: Child abuse, emotional manipulation

Ao3

Hunter accidentally makes his way into the human realm and can't get back home. But he's discovering that might not be such a bad thing.

Ch 1/?: Someplace Strange

“HUNTER!”

Hunter sprinted through the hallways, gasping. He’d really done it this time—there was no bouncing back, was there?

“Have to find somewhere to hide,” he muttered. He ducked into the throne room, slipping behind the completed door. Surely no one would risk hitting Belos’ prized project just to get at him. “Just have to—”

Oh, Hunter, Belos’ voice echoed around him, you cannot hide in this castle. I can find you anywhere.

Hunter yipped, backing into the door. It started to glow, and he yanked his hand away. “The blood,” he gasped, “It must have leaked from the key when I took it from Blight!” He glanced around. No. He couldn’t hide in this castle, and there wasn’t much of a chance of him getting out without being caught. He looked back at the door, and slowly put his palm on it. The door started to glow again.

Hunter—Hunter, no, you stop that this instant. You cannot hide there, either, the human realm—

Hunter stepped through the portal.

Hunter!

The moment he was through, it closed up behind him. Hunter dropped to his knees with a whump.

He’d really done it.

He’d run away.

To the human realm.

What had he been thinking?!

The portal was gone—he was trapped here, now, with no way back.

Something thumped in the creepy old house he’d emerged in, and he ducked behind the stairwell, whipping out his staff. When the whatever-it-was finally came down the stairs, he jumped out with a yell, swinging his weapon.

He immediately landed in a tripwire that yanked on his leg. He fell with a yelp, struggling backwards, which just made it tighter.

“Whoa—hey, hang on, stop pulling, you’ll just make it tighter!”

The thing. It was just a human. Relief warred with caution, and Hunter scrambled for his staff. “Stay back!”

The human kicked the staff to the side, kneeling down next to him. “Hey, there. I won’t hurt you. You’re… not from around here, are you?”

Hunter surged forward and bit her hand. He was not going to get taken hostage by some human!

“Ow!” she yelped, yanking back, “Hey! I’m trying to help!”

Hunter rolled over on his back, sitting up and tugging on the wire around his ankle. “I—don’t—need—any—”

“You need to give it some slack, or you won’t be able to undo it!” the human approached him cautiously, her hands up. “Just let me help you.”

Hunter scooted away, in the direction of the line. “I knew that!” He undid the pin, and slowly pulled his foot out of the loop, reaching into his cloak pocket for his dormant palisman.

“I thought I gathered all of the traps up, but I guess I missed a—”

The human yelped, as Hunter threw his palisman at her. It came to life and attacked, pecking at her and beating around her head with its wings. Hunter made a break for the door. “Come on!”

His palisman left the woman and perched on his shoulder as he tore out of the house and down a path. “Good work, buddy!”

“Hey, wait!” the woman called from behind him, “You don’t know anything about this wo—”

Hunter ran right out onto a strange black path, and a massive hunk of metal barreled towards him, the lights on it blinding. He reached for his staff, but he must have left it back at the creepy house, because it wasn’t there. The hunk of metal screeched to a stop as he stumbled backwards, tripping over his cape.

“HEY! WHY WERE YOU JUST STANDING THERE, YOU CRAZY COSPLAYER?!”

The woman from the house caught up, panting, and waved. “I’m sorry!” she called, hauling Hunter up to his feet, “One of Luz’s friends!”

She pulled Hunter away, her grip on his arm tight, but not tight enough to hurt. “That was crazy, you’re going to get yourself killed out here!”

“Lemme go! Who are you?!”

“I’m Camila Noceda. You can call me Camila. You’re from the Boiling Isles, right?”

Hunter wrenched his arm out of her grasp. “How do you know?! Who are you?!”

“I’m just a human. But…” Camila took a deep breath. “Any chance you met my daughter? Luz Noceda, she’s about your age, brown hair—”

“You’re Luz’s mother?!” Hunter facepalmed. “Of all the—I don’t know what she’s told you, but—”

“You know Luz!” Camila grabbed his hands. “Is she okay? How is she doing over there? Is she any closer to getting back—OH! Wait, you got through! How’d you do it? Can you take me there?”

Wait. He could work with this. Hunter disentangled his hands from Camila’s. “I will tell you everything I know. If you help me.”

“That’s what I’ve been trying to—okay. Sure. Come on. Here’s your stick thing.”

Hunter snatched his staff from her hands. “This is an incredibly dangerous—just… don’t touch it, okay?”

“Mmm. Okay. Sure. Follow me, uh…”

“Hunter.”

“Any last name?”

“No.”

“Alright...”

Camila started walking back down the road, and Hunter jogged to keep up. “So—where exactly would be a good place for me to start… looking for a job, I guess?”

“Psssht. You’re what, fourteen?”

“Sixteen!” Hunter snapped. Oh, a fine time for his voice to crack, wonderful.

“Mmm. Yeah, sixteen, no social security, no identification of any kind, no kind of formal education, not even a last name—good luck finding a job. Do you mind… telling me why you decided to come here?”

Hunter’s palisman nuzzled his face, and he gently patted its head.

“I’m going to tell the emperor.”

“I was… running from someone.”

“Oh.” Camila hissed through her teeth. “Ayiyi. I suppose I can see why you’d be friends with Luz.”

Oh. She had… quite the wrong idea. Well. No harm in letting her keep thinking that.

Camila strode up a front drive of a house, opening a door. “Vee!” she called, “Come down, there’s someone I want you to meet!”

Vee? Who was—

Luz came down the stairs. Well—wait. Not Luz? She had strange, reptilian eyes, and spots on her cheeks, and her ears were—not human.

“Watch out, that’s a basilisk!” Hunter yelped.

When the basilisk saw him, she let out an ear-piercing shriek and dove back upstairs. “Vee!” Camilla called, pounding up the stairs, “What’s the matter?”

“That’s a basilisk!” Hunter yelled, charging up the stairs after her, “They’re shapeshifters—dangerous—”

“Vee’s not dangerous,” Camila growled. She knocked on a door. “Vee? What’s wrong?”

“That’s a coven guard!” the basilisk called, “He’s here to take me away!”

Camilia whipped around towards Hunter, a dangerous light in her eyes. “Is that true?”

Hunter backed up. “No! I didn’t even know she was here!”

“Liar!” Vee yelled from behind the closed door.

“I am not a liar!”

“Vee, he says he’s one of Luz’s friends.”

Hunter winced. Okay, that might actually be a dangerous lie in the long run. “Well—I never said—”

Camila face-palmed. “You don’t actually know Luz at all, do you.”

“I mean—I wouldn’t say—I do know her.”

“He’s a coven guard!” Vee yelled, “He probably tried to kill her!”

“Hunter…”

“Kill is such a strong word, I mean, I never really had the intent of killing her, I just sort of threatened her a little bit and—ehhhh what were we talking about, again?”

Camila crossed her arms. “Full story. Now.”

Hunter gulped. “Look, I told you the truth—I was running. I got in some really hot water, and I panicked, and I came through the portal, but what I really need now is to go back, I can’t—I shouldn’t have run. Oh, he’s going to be so mad.” Panic spiraled through him just thinking about it. “Oh, titan. I am in so much trouble. He’s going to kill me.”

“Probably,” Vee growled.

“Vee!” Camila scolded. She reached out, and he flinched away. She held her hands up in surrender. “Calm down. Who were you running from?”

The door opened a crack, and the basilisk peered out at him. “Yeah, who does a coven guard need to run from?”

Hunter hesitated. “I mean—I wasn’t really running from—I did something I shouldn’t have—and I was running away from what I did—I wouldn’t say that there was a person, per se—”

“Who, Hunter?”

Hunter blinked hard. “My—the emperor.”

Vee’s door was flung wide open, and she stared at him, open-mouthed. “You were running away from the emperor?!” She squinted at him. “Wait a minute…”

Don’t figure it out, don’t figure it out, don’t figure it out—

“You’re the golden guard!” Vee blurted, “Camila, he’s not just a coven guard, he’s the head of the coven guards!”

Camila frowned. “Why were you running from the emperor?”

Hunter took in a shaky breath. “I… I fought another coven member.” He reached out to pat his palisman again, making sure it was still there. “She found out that I had Red here.”

“Aw, is that its name?”

“No. Just a nickname. Anyway, she threatened to tell the emperor that I had it, and…” He reached again for Red, and the bird snuggled against his face, warbling reassuringly. “I shouldn’t have attacked Kikimora. It—that was wrong of me, and I need to go back.” He bit his lip. “I don’t know where I’m going to stash Red, though. Maybe… maybe you should stay here?”

The cardinal nipped his ear. Hard.

“Ow!”

“I think the answer to that is no,” Camila offered. “Hunter, if you fought this—this Kikimora, why are you running from the emperor?”

“Did I say—uh, no, I’m running from Kikimora, because running from the emperor would be ridiculous, I mean, why would I be running away from him? I think I said—”

“No, you definitely said the emperor,” Vee interrupted. He shot her a glare.

Camila rubbed her arms. “Hunter, I don’t want to be nosy. But… is everything okay for you at home?”

Hunter laughed, maybe a bit hysterically. “Everything is—it’s fine! I’m fine. Home is fine. And I need to be getting back there. The emperor will be mad, sure, but he’ll be madder if I stay, so I need to—”

“Ahhhh, Hunter? I’m not sure you can get home. The fact that you even managed to get here is—it’s incredible, Luz hasn’t been able to get home to me. It’s hard enough getting to here from there, and getting from here to there? I don’t think it’s even possible without someone reaching out from the other side.”

Hunter’s heart thudded in his chest. “Don’t say it—”

“I’m afraid you’re stuck here.”

[twstinginthewind]

A pretty bouquet of Flowers was left with a small note:

"Heya its the Idol Spark here... one of your school mates send me a video of your music and I really loved it. It was adorbs. I wanted to say that and hope you do more... Maybe one day you can stand with me on stage... hope you like these. "

Iris Yellow,Bells of Ireland, Bird of Paradise.Tulip Yellow

"HEY JOKERRRRRRRR!!" Ace hollered up the stairs towards the girls' part of the dormitory. "YOU GOT A DELIVERY! It's flowers! Haha, if it's from a boy, I'm gonna have to tell 'em all abo—OOF." He was cut off by Deuce elbowing him in the side. "Hey, that hurt?! What are you tryin' to do, punch a hole in me with those pointy elbows, Deuce?"

"Maybe!" Deuce shot Ace a withering look, and then shouted up towards the girls' rooms as well. "DO YOU WANT US TO BRING IT UP? OR— ow! Ace, quit trying to get the note! This isn't ours!!"

"ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, I'M COMING!!" Joker came out of her room in her PE clothes, drying her hair with a towel draped over her head. "What are you two so excited about, anyway?" She flipped the towel back and squeaked. "Oh my gooooooosh?! Flowers! These are so pretty!!"

Deuce handed them off with a smile, then stuck his tongue out at Ace, who returned the gesture. Ace turned to Joker, and grinned with his hands over his heart. "So, who are they from? You got some secret loverboy we don't know about? And I thought we shared everything; I'm so disappointed, I might even cry."

"No you won't, you hedgehog's behind," Joker retorted as she took a deep sniff of one of the tulips. "And I have no idea who they might be from, for that matter. Lemme see." She shifted the bouquet to one arm, and opened the note. "Says it's.... oh my Seven. Guys." She looked up at the boys in surprise. "It's from Spark. You know, the Spark? That cute idol??"

"Waaaaait. I saw Spark on MagiCam. There's that song, Love Shocked, right?" Deuce sang a few notes of the chorus, and Ace nodded.

"Yeah! Oh, wow? How'd you get to meet that cutie?" Ace put a hand onto Joker's shoulder. "Can you introduce your bestest buddy? You know, no reason, no pressure. Haha!!"

"I haven't! That's just it. But it says a video was sent over.... ohmygosh. Do you think it was that time Cater recorded the Pop Music Club practice, when I was, um." She mimed playing accordion with her hands. "I had figured out that competition song you guys did for the festival, and Lilia and I were dancing. Spark thought it was adorbs?! Wow!"

"And those are all really complimentary flowers, too." Ace looked up, trying to remember what they went over in herbology. "There's joy there, and luck, passion, and a happy smile, if I remember. That must've been some video. How come I didn't see it?"

"Ask Cater," Deuce deadpanned. "Are you going to send a reply, Joker?"

"I might. But should it be flowers, or another video?"

The three of them smiled at each other, and Ace held out his phone. "If you have a tripod, some of us star dancers would be happy to back you up this time!"

[madstronaut]

omfg an update on an ongoing fic!! srsly lemme get my lipstick so i can give all my writers big fat kisses all over your faces <3

GAH I READ THE WHOLE FIC FROM THE START SO I CAN SAVOR IT AGAIN <333333

“There were brief, longing glances, but not much else.”

AAAAAAAAAAAH CHEWING ON THE BARS OF MY ENCLOSURE AS THE CHILDREN SAY

I also love this budding side bromance of graves x sputnik lmao ofc his all-American male ass would love the whole existential concept of sputnik and want to befriend him and make kissy noises at him

AND HIM CALLING NIKTO NIKKI? GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD when i am in full babygirlification mode i call simon sisi keegan kiki and konig koko <3 <3 <3 <3

i would watch a yin-yang buddy cop show of nikto and graves’ adventures

i also like the idea that oh yeah paperwork was what was keeping nikto and sputnik apart LMAO nooo no no not the fact that hes a fucking hyena but he didnt fill out line 15 on form 10B and forgot to get his superior to sign it and also you were supposed to send a carbon copy not the whole thing and why didnt you check off Box C but you did incorrectly check off Box A and-

i now headcanon velikan as the paperwork king of shadow company

also the audacity of savanna puppy - you’re lucky your hot sir yupyup

i love once again the smol details of reader noting nikto’s eyes aren’t as bloodshot anymore and him babytalking (yes i assume when u swear at a pet its equivalent of babytalking in russian) sputnik <3

also i enjoyed reading (i swear i love torturing myself through fanfic sometimes) the imho very proper mood whiplash of what i assume facing down real conflict/firefights must be like with the mishmash of thoughts running through reader’s head but in the middle of musing about death and survival she goes “YO FUCK MY BOSS SRSLY I WILL STAY BIG MAD AT YOU FOR STOPPING ME FROM GROPING NIKTO AND VICE VERSA ALL I WANT” truly a whole mood

also real hero of the day here is sputnik lets face it, he gives nikto a bit of REM cycle boosts in the PM, tames shadow company CEO phillip graves, brings lost reader & co back to the team after the ambush, comforts her after she has a good cry, brings what i assume is a present to reader LMAO (cats bring dead rats and birds, dog bring sticks, and hyenas bring mauled terrorists, idk i dont make the rules here ok)

and OMG THE HUG? WITH NIKTO RUBBING HER BACK OFFERING HER COMFORT THIS TIME? AND THEN OMG THE KISS!! THE FUCKING KISS!! I SCREEEEEEEECHED MY FUCKIGN HEAD OFF LIKE A GODDAMN BANSHEE

I CAN DIE HAPPY RN I SWEAR TO GOD AND THEY HAVEN'T EVEN ACTUALLY KISSED YET LMAO I TELL YOU THE POWER OF FANFIC

sending so many *chefs kisses* your way keykey!!!!

Gun Run

1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |

I'm so sorry this is late !! I couldn't write it when I was intending to because I felt super bad. I hope you enjoy lol

Cross-posted on Ao3

It had been radio silence between the two of you, since the incident. There were brief, longing glances, but not much else.

He didn’t look awful, thankfully. His eyes looked tired, you could tell. After seeing him truly well-rested it was easy to see the difference, but they weren’t red and puffy. The biggest difference, however, was the beast that stayed behind him, just at his heels.

Velikan had explained it to you - a fluffy animal he had gotten after a mission with his last PMC. Sputnik, he had named it. The hyena was making quite the splash with KorTac at the moment.

You stood, far enough away to make sure König noted you weren’t standing next to Nikto, watching as Graves was absolutely mesmerized by the creature. The blondish American man had meat laid out in a stretched open palm, watching with wide eyes as the hyena licked it up.

“Man, Nikki!” Graves chirps, “You should have mentioned you had one o’ these before,” He stands, elbowing the Russian man in the kevlar-covered ribs. Nikto grunts, stepping back.

“I did not have him with me,” Nikto explains. “There was an issue with the paperwork, and he was living with a friend of ours.”

Graves opens his mouth, but he's interrupted by the loud rumbling of Velikan… rumbling. You can't be too sure of what noises he was making this far away. Graves makes a face of acknowledgment as he nods.

“So, he’s trained for the field?” Graves asks, prodding more even though he's been told not to. You're sure he's aware of what happens to people who push Nikto.

“Да, he is,” Nikto responds. “With any luck, he’ll be with us this next mission, but we are yet to be granted approval,” He continues, throwing a glare to the corner that houses the Colonel.

The Austrian man stands with his arms crossed, a glare in his eyes too. But, as Graves away from him - after hardly even looking - with a scoff, they soften briefly. Velikan pats his commander’s back, gently gripping at his shoulder with a low mumble. Graves sighs.

“Do I gotta?” He asks, and Velikan nods. “Fine.. but I am expecting to see that savanna puppy in action soldier!” He orders as he's pulled away. The rest of the Shadow Company follows as well.

“Don't call it a savanna puppy,” Mace grumbles as they pass you.

A call comes from down the hall in response, “That's what they are!” Before more muffled grunting lets you know Velikan is scolding him. Or maybe laughing. He's too far away to tell. The room is silent, still without Graves. You feel more than one pair of eyes on you, and you shuffle awkwardly.

You throw your hand up in a half-wave, slipping out of the room behind them. You’re unsure where exactly to go, trying to decide between the shooting range or the barracks. You had some paperwork to do, didn’t you? You sigh, trying to calm yourself down. It had been a long few weeks, and it was only going to feel longer.

The setup for the mission is the same as always, a messy rush of people trying to get all of their gear in order. You pull your gun off of its brace on the wall, checking it over briefly. You pull the magazine out, double-checking that it’s empty even though you know it's empty - you haven’t forgotten any details about the last time you touched it. The first time you touched him.

Your eyes flick over to the side, watching Nikto get himself and Sputnik ready. The beast shakes as he tries to put the special kevlar over its neck, and you can imagine that he’s huffing soft swears in Russian to it. Graves watches intently, seemingly wanting to help. Or at least talk to Nikto about it. Velikan seems to have a sharp watch over the both of them. It almost makes you feel bad, since he has so much on his plate without you asking him to babysit Nikto too. You can only imagine what his therapy sessions are like having to take care of Graves all of the time.

You don’t have the time to dwell, though, O’Connor’s voice cutting through as he calls for everyone to hurry the fuck up and get in line. The sound is familiar and oddly comforting, and you can't help but feel the excitement start to fill in the cracks between the stress, anxiety, and fear you’ve been feeling. Those feelings aren't abnormal before you go out, but it's been significantly worse. You usually don't have to be so cautious of how you act and who you hang out with. But König's watchful eyes and judgment of your relationships have been keeping you on edge. Even with your other coworkers, you've been more distant. You take your gun, making sure to check it out as you move to stand in your place.

"C'mon, come on!" He yells, clapping his hand as he chants to get the whole squad ready. It takes a few more minutes, but you end with the group you're going with.

König, Nikto, Izzy, Graves, Velikan, Valeria, and you. A second team was going as well: O'Connor, Hutch, Horangi, Stilletto, Oz, and Mace, but they were to be moved separately. Orders are barked to both groups, everyone piling in their respective cars. You sit in the very back, next to Izzy. In front of you is Nikto, Sputnik at his feet, and Graves, with Velikan in between them.

The whole ride is uncomfortably silent, with soft music playing over the radio occasional instructions from Valeria on where to go, and the crackle of conversation from the other car. O'Connor is hard to hear back here, and you’re unable to make out what he’s saying, only his accent. Sometimes Graves leans over to try to get Sputnik’s attention, kissing at him, only to be swatted away by Velikan.

The ride is long, but the mission should be easy and simple - in and out. It was a rescue mission, as far as you were aware. It doesn’t matter, really. Your job was to go in, secure the area, secure the thing or person, and get out. And you were damn good at your job, you’d like that on record.

You have to drive through a very populated area to get to the building holding it, compared to most of your missions, but it isn’t something that bothers you much. And it makes sense with most of whom you were placed with, like König and Graves.

König pulls through an intersection, the chatter of O’Connor coming through the hand radio attached to a pop-socket on one of the vents. It all happens at once, very fast, the car behind you is hit. You hear the pain through the radio, and the whole of your car lights up.

“Pull over, goddamn it, pull over,” Valeria snaps, swatting at the shoulders of your Colonel. Graves mutters curses, trying to squint past you and Izzy to see the other van. Velikan’s door swings open, a gun shoved out of it. Nikto’s eyes meet yours, wide and panicked. You nod at him, assuring him you’re okay.

This wasn’t going to be as easy as you thought.

Gunfire is loud - something someone who had never fired a gun before would never understand is that it transcends sound; even with the proper ear protection, big guns shake your bones and change the beat of your heart. You’ve been around it many, many times, but even now you feel how the shots from your coworkers shake up your rhythm and push the air out of your lungs. It’s the only thing that tells you someone on your side is still firing because you can’t see anyone.

You curse, falling back under the flimsy cover of a tipped-over newspaper dispenser - something you were incredibly surprised to see - and release your magazine, shoving a new one into place. With that, you’re out of preloaded mags, and any extra ones are in the long abandoned car fire of the extra car.

You’d seen Hutch get out, pulling Horangi along with him, and you were sure you had seen glimmers of Mace’s gear somewhere around, but that left three members in that car unaccounted for. You shake, taking a deep breath. This was your job. You could die, your friends could die, you had signed up for it. You cast a glance at your own abandoned car, all the doors wide open and all of its contents gone, having been ransacked.

You sniffle, taking a deep breath. You were going to die today, you take a deep breath. You have to accept it. It was hard, but you had to accept it was going to be your last day. Your last mission. You close your eyes, taking a moment to think over everything that’s happened for the past weeks. You should forgive König, even if you can’t do it to his face. You shouldn’t harbor any resentment in your last moments.

Or maybe you should, fuck that guy. You swear again, letting your head fall back against the metal. Your eyes open, looking over the gun in your hands. You start to move, shifting so you can flip back over and start firing again. Just before your head can poke back out into the line of fire, you hear a gentle whimper from behind you. You flip back, eyes wide as you see it. The fluffy, tan beast is next to you, sniffing at your legs.

“Oh, hey,” You speak, sliding back down to offer your hand. “What’s up, buddy?” You ask, looking around. “Where’s Nikto, huh?” It sniffs at your hand before brown eyes meet yours. “Take me to Nikto, okay?” You ask it, and it stands there for a moment before it sets off. You throw your gun up, over your shoulder, and rush off after it. You hear and feel as bullets wizz past you, but they mean less than the thoughts swirling in your head. Was Nikto okay? What about your other coworkers? Was it only you and Sputnik now? Fear rises in your chest at the thought that the beast you're chasing is leading you to the dead body of your.... whatever Nikto is to you.

You feel tears start to form in your eyes, but you try to force them away. Remember your training, all the years you spent trying to turn this off. You have to be solid and strong. You can't cry in the face of who you're hired to kill. There is no time to mourn the losses you feel, because by the time they sink in, you’re off to your next job. There's been so many times that stuff like this has happened.

You can't have it happen again. You're going to stop it, you have to. Your feet hurt by the time you hear it.

"There ya are, puppy!" Graves' voice calls out, and you stop for a moment. Did Graves just call you puppy? What? You stand still, barely registering how Sputnik rushes to the American man, his tail wagging quickly. Graves beams, rubbing the hyena's sides roughly. "Good puppy! Goodboy! You did very well!" He baby-talks it, which helps everything click into place. You sigh, walking forward.

It seems you’ve found some of your comrades, but several of them are still missing. Horangi seems passed out, propped up against a wall. Hutch has wrapped himself up, watching a screen intently. You see Mace on the other side of the alley, gun pointed up. Velikan is with Graves, trying to coach him in something through his muffling mask.

You pant, wiping your face as you look around, “Where’s Nikto?” You ask, And Valeria, and Izzy, and König, and O’Connor? But you don’t voice the rest of the questions, not yet at least.

“Looking for you,” Hutch responds, turning to you with a grin. Sputnik breaks past Graves to jump at the other man, sniffing at his face. Hutch puts a bandaged arm around him, hand on the hyena’s back.

“What?” You swear, looking around. Your hand goes to your mouth, biting your lips. “Do we… wait? Can we wait? I mean, they’ll come looking for us, won’t they? Whoever we’re fighting?”

“That’s where Izzy is,” Graves replies, turning to you. “On the inside, takin’ ‘em out,” He mimics aiming his gun. “Think Valeria’s there too, maybe König,” He lists off, tapping at his face.

“So, what do we do?” You ask, looking at him. He was the one who knew what to do - he had been in charge more than once, and that had to account for something.

“Wait,” Graves responds. “Regroup, until we can form a full assault,” He turns away. “Just wish everyone will stop runnin’ off.”

The sentence alone keeps you pinned to the ground where your feet are. You want to run off, you want to try and find Nikto, but instead, you fall back, sitting on the ground. You sniffle, finally letting your tears meet your eyes. It sucks, crying in front of so many people, and in the middle of the battlefield.

You don’t want to, but you can’t help it. You hide your face in your hands, letting yourself sob as everything hits you at once. Sputnik noses at you, small chuckles coming from the creature. You sob, unable to reach out to it or push him away, just sitting there as the beast sniffs your hair and hands.

“Hey, Boss,” Mace’s voice cuts through your tears. “We have company,” He backs away from his post, and everyone launches into movement. You don't see much of it, but Velikan is pulling at you by your armpits, trying to get you on your feet to get you moving.

“Sorry,” You sniffle, standing. “I’m sorry,” You let him pull you along, grabbing at your gun to keep yourself armed. You wipe your face, trying to get your head back in the game.

Keep a hold on it, keep a hold on it, you tell yourself. You walk as best as you can, leaning on Velikan for support as he moves you forward, everyone falling into formation. Graves shouts out orders from behind you and you start to stabilize yourself.

You don’t feel dizzy, tears don’t fall freely from your eyes anymore and you stand on your own feet. You set off a blaze at an enemy heading your way, turning back to Velikan before you can watch them fall.

“I have it,” You tell him, and he nods, backing off. You can tell he’s still looking at you for a moment longer, but you all push on. It seems like you're in some kind of action film, with enemies flooding you and your team over and over again.

You manage to fight your way into a house, the building providing much better cover than the alley. Everyone rushes around, Velikan and Mace rushing to clear it out, Hutch placing Horangi down, and you rush to a window, assessing the area. Sputnik trails in behind everyone, a wailing man in his jaws. He drags the man in by the back of the neck of his shirt, clearly having mauled him a little before bringing him in.

You rush to close the door behind him when something stops you in your tracks.

“Нет, Спутник,” Nikto's voice cuts through the air from somewhere behind you. Sputnik's tail wags as he shows off the prize he brought. “Нет, put him down. Лежать!” You turn, finding Nikto standing in the doorway. He seems okay, blood splattered over his gear. You drop everything instantly. The door is already shut, and you just leave your gun on the floor by it, rushing over to Nikto.

“Nikto!” You yell, grabbing him into a hug. It's a harsh one, leaving your cheek pressed against him. He goes to speak your name, but you cut him off. “Shush! I just… Long mission,” You snap, and you feel as he relaxes into your hug, wrapping his arms around you. His hand rubs your back, trying to calm you down. You sigh, thinking back over it, all of it - your relationship with him, these past few days, the mission - it was all so much, so overwhelming.

You pull yourself away from him and press your mouth into where his is under the mask, finally able to return the kiss.

[bumirang]

Turtle, Duck, Dragon, Horse: Ch. 8 excerpt

It’s a chilly afternoon when Bumi sits in on Hana’s worst training session since she arrived at Air Temple Island.

Under Jinora’s supervision, she and six other novitiates were walking the circle in a coordinated effort to create a sphere of solid wind nearly twice her height. Intimidating, but she’d managed it before. She actually wasn’t doing too terribly, until she caught sight of him out of the corner of her eye. Maybe it was excitement or performance anxiety or just the distraction, but that’s when it all went wrong. She immediately fell out of step with the others, but the more she tried to correct for it, the more unstable their formation became, until the sphere was a roiling squall-ball they were struggling just to contain.

Master Jinora stepped forward and summoned a gust with thought alone. “That’s, uh, impressive, but if you’ll slow down and back away, I can safely disper—”

Then it exploded, with a roar like a thunderclap in reverse. Thankfully, they were shielded from the worst of it by a barrier whipped up by their teacher, but it was a close thing.

Hana’s ears are still ringing when she makes in Bumi’s direction, ignoring the accusatory glances from her fellow novitiates. It’s obvious to all of them who messed things up, but they can’t prove anything, so whatever. Bumi, in contrast, just waves happily, absentmindedly petting Bum-Ju on his shoulder.

She stops five feet away from him and plants her hands on her hips. “What’re you doing here?”

“Hi to you, too,” he replies, slightly offended.

“Sorry, that sounded… I mean, did you need me for something?”

“Nope.”

“So, what, you popped by to watch me be a screw-up?”

“Well, I like to get a feel for where the newbies’re at. Didn’t think you’d be out with ‘em.”

She deflates a bit. “You saw how hopeless I am. I’ll be stuck with the newbies forever at this rate.”

“Nooo, no… Your bending’s just, uh, chaotic.” His smile is wide but not very convincing. Oh no. He’s trying to be nice. Her face burns at the realization. Pity is the last thing she wants from him, of all people.

He continues, “Form was great, though. Right, buddy?” He glances at the dragonfly-bunny, who shrugs. “Yeah, he thinks so, too.”

“…Thanks.” She stares past him, at the ground, wishing she were anywhere else. At the same time, Bumi’s easily her favorite person on Air Temple Island, and it’s usually such a treat being the focus of his attention. If only she could be anything other than a pathetic misfit in his eyes.

He puts a hand on her shoulder. “Hey, kid, don’t get hung up on it. We’ll figure it out.” His voice has gone all serious, worried.

“You don’t have to… be nice to me.”

“…Huh?”

“Because you feel sorry for me. I don’t want…” She feels her eyes flood with hot tears. In a panic, she slaps a hand over her face, harder than she intended. “Ow.”

Bumi clears his throat and calls over her head, across the courtyard, “Hey, Jinora, gonna steal Hana for a bit!”

“Oh, we’re all done!” she calls back, sounding less rattled than she probably feels. “No theft required.”

“Great! Seeya at dinner!” His hand slides down to Hana’s arm, sending a wave of goosebumps shivering along her shoulders and neck. She almost jumps when he mutters into her ear, “I know a good place to talk. No lookie-loos.”

Then they’re hurtling through the air, and she forgets about her shame for a sweet thirty seconds. His grip on her arm is firm, but she latches onto him anyway. Just survival instinct, she reminds herself, as she hears him laugh with her ear against his chest. He wraps an arm around her then, and she feels safer than she ever did on the ground.

Bumi sets them down in a little grassy clearing on the eastern edge of the island. It’s not far from one of his favorite places to have class, but without any obvious paths to it, you’d have to survey the island from the air to even know it exists. Or just know its layout like the back of your hand. It’s late afternoon, leaving most of it in the shade from nearby trees. What sunlight there is glows gold on dead grass. Framed by two stunted trees jutting from the cliff’s edge is the skyline of Republic City, painted gold as the grass. Bumi pulls a little ta-dah pose in front of it, which gets a smile out of her.

“That’s more like it,” he says, wearing his own smug grin. “Now what was that about you not wanting me to be nice?”

“I just meant…” She grasps at the air, like the words she needs to complete her thought are buzzing around her. “I don’t want you to feel like you have to go out of your way. For me.” It seems like a moot point now.

“Why not you?”

“I’m not cut out for this. You’re wasting your time.”

He laughs softly to himself and crosses his arms. For a moment, Hana’s terrified that he might be mocking her, but when he looks back up at her, his eyes are kind, and a little sad. “I know how ya feel,” he says with a shrug.

“How could you poss—”

Bumi just raises an eyebrow at her, and she slaps her hand over her face again. It stings worse than the first time, but she figures she deserves that.

“Fu— Nngh! I’m such an—” Hana drops down onto her haunches, holding her throbbing face in both hands. Maybe with enough pressure, she can shove the tears and snot back where they belong. “I’m sorry. Please don’t be mad.”

She hears him sit down across from her. “M’not mad, kid. Like I said, I’ve been where you are. More or less.” She steals a glance at him, seated maybe a foot away and wearing the city itself like his own personal aura. “I see you busting your ass to do what comes so easy to others, and I know what that does to ya. Shame and doubt. Anger. A lot of anger. It can make ya feel worthless…”

She nods and eases into a cross-legged sit, mirroring him.

“S’not true, though. Everyone’s worth something. You’re worth a lot. Trust me, I’ve got an eye for talent.” Bum-Ju, who’s been hovering at a respectful distance, picks that moment to park himself on her head. “See? So does he.”

Hana wipes her runny nose, trying to hide it at first, but Bumi’s expression is so genuinely affable that she feels silly for thinking he might judge her. He’s on her side. A goopy face won’t change that. For lack of better options, she wipes up with a sleeve.

Hands dry, she reaches up, tentatively, to pet the dragonfly-bunny. “Is it okay if I…?”

“That’s up to him.”

The spirit doesn’t flee at her touch. In fact, he leans into it. She gasps as she runs her fingers through his fur, which is easily the softest, silkiest texture she’s ever felt, like yarn spun from cloudstuff. To her surprise, he gives a happy little chirrup and plops into her lap, landing on his back.

“He says to tell you he wants belly rubs.”

“Heh. Okay.” Petting Bum-Ju is supremely soothing, like lemonade on a summer’s day. His quiet little chirps merge and blend into a purr, and she smiles again. How could she not?

“It… It’s humiliating. I knew training wasn’t gonna be easy, but this is like being a little kid all over again.” She runs a finger along the edge of one of the spirit’s strange insectoid wings. Like the fur, it doesn’t feel entirely substantial. “I was supposed to be an earthbender, y’know.”

“Yeah? Says who?”

“…My dad.”

“Hah! Ain’t that always the way?”

“Heh…”

“You don’t give me earthbender vibes at all. You’re too… squishy.”

Her head shoots up to glare at him, and she notices how the sunlight’s shifted since they arrived. Twilight’s creeping up fast. “Did you just call me squishy?”

She’s caught him off-guard, and he blushes at the unflattering implications of such a word choice. “That’s to say… Well, the way rocks aren’t, right? Does that make sense?”

“No…?”

“You’re, I dunno, airy.”

“So I’m squishy like air…?”

Bumi runs a hand through his hair in actual frustration. “Forget I said you were squishy!” He looks relieved when she giggles and clues him into her teasing.

“My point being,” she continues blithely, “I may be the worst airbender here, but I had no earth talent whatsoever. Dad was not pleased. I never even wanted to do it, except to please him.”

“Sorry.”

“I have a little brother, though, and he’s brilliant with earth. Stone, glass, metal. You name it. Guess it worked out for Dad in the end, but I always… Even though it was crazy, I always wanted to fly. Not in an airship, but like the birds do. It never seemed fair.” She winces at how naive that sounds. “After Harmonic Convergence, I thought, y’know, finally. This is who I’m supposed to be.” Sympathy fills the lines around Bumi’s eyes and mouth, and she looks back down at the fuzzy spirit in her lap. She gives him some experimental chin scritches, which seem to go over well. “But it’s been more than three months now, and I’m still… I’m just a screw-up.”

“You’re the best teaching assistant I’ve ever had.”

Hana blinks. “Aren’t I the only one you’ve ever had?”

“Nah, I used to spend summers teaching new recruits arts ‘n’ crafts.”

“That doesn’t make any sense.”

“Says somebody who has no idea how boring it can get on a tour of duty! Keeping your hands busy staves off Sea Madness. And fistfights… Well, that is until somebody badmouths another guy’s macramé. I’ve been called as a witness at some crazy court martials, lemme tell ya.”

“I… Wow, okay. I guess you’d know.”

“And before I forget, let’s get one thing clear,” says Bumi, leaning forward and pointing right in her face. “I like being around you. Aren’t we friends?”

What’s the appropriate response to that? “You… friend… with me?” Well, it’s definitely not that. “I guess I didn’t… I thought you were just trying to figure me out. What’s wrong with me, I mean.”

“That, too, but hey! We have fun, right?”

“Yeah?”

“There ya go! Friends!”

She laughs. She can’t help it. Seeing the way Bumi’s face lights up only makes her laugh harder. Bum-Ju launches clear of her lap as she doubles over. Collapsed on the grass, she finally admits, “Okay! We’re friends! I guess!”

“So…” Only when she sees his shoulders relax does Hana realize how tense he’s been this whole time. “You always wanted to fly, huh?”

“Oh, yeah. More than anything. Thought I could grow up to be a bird if I put in the effort, but I was forced to develop an overactive imagination instead.”

“Sounds like a fun story.”

She pushes herself back into a sitting position and picks bits of grass out of her hair. She could do with a trim, now that she’s thinking about it. “Not a whole lot to tell. I was basically a toddler, and I don’t remember much.”

“Yeah?” Bumi’s grinning at her. He grins a lot, to be fair, but he has a different style for every occasion. Goofball, smart-ass, encouraging, nervous, and so on. This is a pure look of amused contentment, just for her. It makes her feel all gooey inside, but in a nice way, no snot involved.

“Hm. Well, okay. Mom did tell me about one time she found me eating worms out of the garden.”

“Hah! What’d it taste like?”

“Slimy dirt, probably? I only know it happened from Mom. Like I said, toddler.”

Bumi scratches his neck and looks off to the side, like he’s debating something with himself, then says, “I jumped off cliffs a lot.”

“Wow. Dark.”

“Into the water! Got pretty good at climbing. Diving, too, but that’s just, y’know, falling with style.”

“Umbrellas.” He looks at her expectantly, eyes glittering like chips of ice. They might be the palest she’s ever seen, and if they aren’t the most beautiful, they’re definitely in the top five. That’s a strange thought. Despite his age, he’s actually quite handsome. In fact, the wrinkles themselves emphasize his features in a way she didn’t realize she appreciated until just now. They tell a story of a life well-lived.

A quirk of his eyebrows reminds her that she’s in the middle of a conversation, during which she’s just said “umbrellas” and stared at him for ten seconds.

“W-well. Um. I saw this character in a storybook who flew around with an umbrella, so I found the biggest one I could and ran down the street, screaming my head off the whole time.” Hana feels herself blush at the admission. “That part seemed important for some reason. I was, like, five.”

“How’d that go?”

“As I recall, I broke the umbrella, and several people called the cops. They thought I was escaping from a murderer or something. Can’t imagine why.”

Bumi just laughs. Hana revels in it until he quiets enough to keep telling him embarrassing things about herself.

“Then there was the time I spent a month collecting loose feathers around my neighborhood and stuffed them all in my shirt,” she says, with a bit of added pantomime. “Was gonna jump out the apartment window, but I chickened out.”

“So… it worked?”

“Shut up. You are horrible, and I hate you now.”

“Minus 57 points for disrespecting your elder.”

“Hey, it’s not my fault they dress me like a giant baby.” She tugs at a corner of the scarlet shawl sewn around the shoulders of her standard-issue Air Nomad pajamas. They both snicker.

Then Bumi sits up straight like he’s been struck by lightning. “I got it!”

“Hm?”

“A wingsuit. Try one on!”

“That’s not really allowed unless you’ve qualified, though.”

“Eh, if you get in trouble, I’ll smooth it over,” he says with a little hand wave. “It could be just the confidence boost you need to get over whatever mental block is tripping you up.” He gestures at his own outfit. “Think about it. The right uniform can totally change how you see yourself. And I should know.”

“That’s a good point, but…” Hana shrugs and makes various non-committal noises. What she doesn’t mention is her discomfort at the snugness of the wingsuit’s fit. As ridiculous as the pajamas look on her, they’re at least loose and comfortable. Squeezing into a skintight flight suit to practice—probably clumsily as ever—is just another humiliation waiting to happen. It does give her an idea, though.

“Remember when I told you how I’ve had a bit of Kyoshi Warrior training?” she asks with a little smirk.

“I remember you not flipping me, even after I asked nicely.”

“Well, I might still have my fan lying around somewhere…”

[sinnamonn]

Welcome to Hell Ch2. “Meet Mammon”

Gia meets their new guard demon, “Mammon”. It does not go well. Also because this is my fic and I can do whatever I want Obey me is now in the same universe as It’s Always Sunny.

Word count: 1.7 K

The demon pointed an accusatory finger at the redhead.

Gia resisted the urge to bite it right off.

“Listen up, because I’m only gonna say this once!” He barked, “If you value your life then you’ll hand over all your money now! And anything else of value!”

Was this guy for real!? This bitchass was trying to rob them!? Oh hell no, Gia was not going to get robbed by some twink that still used fucking axe body spray!!

“Otherwise I’ll wipe that—“

“Fuck that and fuck you!” Gia yelled, cutting the demon off mid-threat, “Listen here, asshole, I’m not getting robbed by some twink!”

“Who’re you callin’ a twink!?”

“You, dumbass!”

“You don’t know what you’re dealin’ with, little bitch.” He spat, snarling down at them. Gia only bit back,

“I’m dealin’ with a punkass that’s about to get their shit rocked!”

“Mammon! Shut up or I’ll punch you!” Lucifer snapped, “And Gia, language!”

And then Lucifer just punched Mammon, causing him to stumble back a bit while gripping his head.

“GAH, OW! Hey, what’s the big idea!?” Mammon whined, “I thought you were actually gonna give me a chance to shut up before punching me!”

Satan gestured to his older brother, “Gia, meet Mammon, Avatar of Greed. He oversees all forms of it,” he explained, “whenever he takes a liking to someone they suddenly find themselves awash in money.”

“And he’s a masochist, that part’s important~!” Asmo added, “So I can’t wait to see you put him in his place some more!”

Ok. Ew. Gia didn’t need to know that.

“I didn’t need to know that.” Gia replied flatly.

“And it just so happens I have a job for my masochist of a brother.”Lucifer stated, only to be cut off again by Mammon.

“Quit tellin’ lies! I ain’t asked for that punch and I ain’t a masochist!”

“Mammon, you are going to be charged with seeing to this human’s needs during the exchange.” Lucifer ordered, “I expect your full cooperation.”

“WHAT!?” Both Gia and Mammon yelled at the elder demon.

“Wha!? Why me!?” Mammon exclaimed.

“Yeah, why him!? He literally just tried to rob me!” Gia argued.

“As, lucky you, Mammon! I’m so jealous.” Asmo pouted.

“Then you take them!”

Wait no, Gia got the feeling staying with Asmo might just be worse than Mammon.

“Huh? Hell no. Watching them match your energy is too funny.” He replied quickly.

“You just said you were jealous!” Mammon all but screeched.

“Just give up Mammon. There’s no getting out of this.” Satan looked at though he was holding back laughter, “You know you can’t deny a direct order from Lucifer.”

“But why me!? Why can’t Beel do it?” He whined

“If we hand Gia over to Beel we might as well just tell him to eat them.” Asmo said, now scrolling through his DDD.

“Yeah, I can’t promise I wouldn’t.” Beel agreed.

“...Mammon?” Lucifer asked lowley , his tone was dangerous.

“W-What?”

“Surely you’re not going to tell me you object to this arrangement, are you?”

For the first time, during his introduction, Mammon was quiet. He only held a sour look on his face before loudly groaning, “Ugh, I hate you guys! Fine, I’ll do it, ok!?” His attention turned back to Gia, “As much as I don’t wanna look after you, I’ve got no choice. It’s a huge pain in the ass and I’m too important for this kind of thing.”

Sure buddy, keep telling yourself that.

“But Lucifer told me to do it, so I will. But in return you better not cause me any trouble, got it?!”

Gia took back what she first thought of Mammon. He was worse than the high school boys that got stupidly mad when you didn’t stand for the pledge.

“If you can stay off my dick,” Gia sneered, “we might have a deal.”

“Fine by me, human. Just don’t forget whose boss around here.” Mammon shot back.

“Now that that’s settled,” Lucifer cut in before Gia could say anything else, “Mammon, show them to the house and try not to kill each other.”

‘No promises.’ Gia thought, reluctantly following Mammon out of the hell.

———

That lack of depth perception was really biting Gia in the ass. They felt more like a bird trying to escape a hall of mirrors, bumping into and bouncing off of walls. It also didn’t help that Mammon was practically speedwalking away from them.

“Oi! Human! Would ya pick up the pace, we don’t got all night!” He shouted over his shoulder.

“Oh sorry! Lemme just pop my eye back in and magically gain perfect vision!” They sarcastically called back, “OH WAIT! I can’t!”

Mammon stopped mid-step before turning on his heel and striding over to Gia.

“Wait...you’re missing an eye?” He questioned.

Oh great, was he gonna do that mock-sympathy schick they got more than enough back in their world?

“Damn, Lucifer couldn’t even get a human with all their parts!” He cackled, clenching his gut, as if this were the funniest thing in the world, “He had to grab some broken fucking human! That’s hilarious! ”

Broken....

Did he really just call them BROKEN?

Gia saw red, their lip pulled back into a venomous snarl. How fucking dare he! They were a lot of things but broken was not one of them.

“Oh, I’ll show you broken!”

The redhead kicked the demon’s kneecaps with all this might.

“OW! YOU BITCH!”

Satan and Asmodeus watched as the two left for the House of Lamentation, absolutely transfixed on the two’s interaction. It was like one of Asmodeus’ trashy reality tv shows came to life, neither of them could look away.

“Uh, Lucifer, they’re already fighting.” Satan said, earning a groan from the eldest. Lucifer could feel a migraine coming on, a bad one.

“Oh my god the human just kicked Mammon’s kneecaps!” Asmo laughed, he was recording the entire interaction, “Oh he’s mad!”

“Shit, do I need to intervene?” He asked with only mild concern.

“Hmm, maybe..” Satan watched as Mammon grabbed for Gia, “wait, no he’s just carrying them back to the house.”

————

“PUT ME DOWN!” Gia beat on the demons back, “This is demeaning!”

“Just be happy that the Great Mammon was kind enough to help you!” Mammon shot back, “If you think this is demeaning then imagine how I feel! Why should I have to look after some human !?”

“ Um,bitch, I got isekaied to hell without my consent and now I’m stuck with a bunch of rich boys who reek of ‘I peaked in high school’!”

Mammon gasped, “I did not peak! The Great Mammon only goes up!I’m practically a golden god!”

Why did they feel like they heard that somewhere before? Maybe...back home? Oh shit yeah, Mammon talked exactly like this one guy who owned a bar they’d always go to when they were bored. Wasn’t his name Denny or something?

“And just so we’re clear,” Mammon continued, “it’s not like I can’t say no to Lucifer, okay!?”

Gia didn’t ask.

“I only agreed to babysit you because, um...Well you know, because…...uh…”

“It’s ok, take your time.” Gia said

“Grr! It doesn’t matter! Just don’t go thinking I’m scared of Lucifer or anything! Because I’m not!” He snapped.

“Uh-huh, sure.”

Mammon finally put them down when the two got to the house.

Gia whistled, taking in just how...elegant? No, elegant wasn’t the word they were looking for? A better way to describe the house would probably be maximalist. When they entered they were met with a double stairway accented by two gigantic gargoyle statues. Purple wallpaper clung to the walls littered with paintings of people, Allistar Crowley being the only one Gia recognized.

“This is the House of Lamentation. It’s one of the dorms here at RAD.” Mammon explained, stepping forward, “Well, it's not just one of the dorms. It’s the dorm reserved for student council members….and you I guess.” Mammon prattled on, mostly about himself, “Lucifer, Asmo, and the others take every chance they can get to insult me. Callin’ me scum, sayin’ I’m a money- grabber and stuff…..”

Gia was really only half paying attention, they opted rather to try and figure out who the other people in the photos were. Cultists, perhaps?

“...In other words, I’m a big shot. A real big shot. Like, even other big shots are impressed by—hey are you even listening!?”

“Hm? Sorry, what? I got distracted by the pictures.” Gia gestured loosely to the walls.

Mammon growled, “I was just saying, don’t you go thinkingI’m just some ordinary demon. I’m nothing like those other peons walking the halls here.”

“Ok, cool. Figured as much.” Gia shrugged

“So I suggest-wait what?”

“I figured all of you were pretty powerful, why else would Diavolo leave me with all of you? Demons eat humans, so you put the human with your most powerful and loyal demons as protectors.” Gia elaborated, “So that implies that you’re the most trustworthy and capable of this task, right? Even if you did..try to rob me. But why else would Lucifer and the rest of your brothers leave me in your care?”

Mammon stared wide-eyed down at Gia, they could practically see the gears turning in his head—wait did his cheeks get darker?

He turned around before Gia could really tell, “Well-I’m—I mean!—Duh, of course the Great Mammon is capable!!” He sputtered, “B-But don’t think flattery is getting you anywhere! You’re still just some stupid human!”

“I wasn’t trying to, it’s just logic.”

“SHUT UP. Just-! Let’s just go to your room, OK!?”

Instead of lugging Gia over his shoulder, Mammon instead grabbed their wrist and began dragging them up the stairs, avoiding looking at them.

“Ow! Fine! Lay off the dragging, though!”

Gia’s room was cottagecore as fuck. That was the only way they could best describe it. The room looked like it had been taken out of a fairytale book, it wasn’t exactly Gia’s style but they could appreciate the aesthetic. Objectively, the room was very pretty. That idea was hammered in the more Gia explored it.

It was bigger than the apartment they shared with their mom. In truth, it was more like a closet that somehow fit a bed and dresser.

“Holy shit this bed is soft.” Gia commented once they flopped onto the comforter, “And these pillows! They’re not flat! I forgot they could be fluffy.”

“Oi, human, I got some advice for you,” Mammon leaned over the bed, “ If you wanna survive even a day here in the Devildom, you’d better listen real close to what I’m about to say.”

“Aight.” Gia turned their attention back to the demon.

“If it ever looks like a demon is about to attack you..run. Either that, or die.” Mammon said grimly.

“That’s...Honestly not the worst advice I’ve ever gotten.” They replied.

“How about I vote you to die, Mammon!”

Gia jumped at the new voice, shooting up out of the bed and looking towards the door frame. There stood a pissed off looking guy with purple hair, glaring daggers at Mammon

“AH..! Levi…!” Mammon exclaimed.

[acciostorian]

mae reads the kane chronicles: the serpent’s shadow the red pyramid

(aka we see mae go through many emotions in the space of 2-3 days)

holy fuck ive only got to the contents and the chapters have those classic pjo click bait titles i’m so happy rn

WAIT IM SUCH A FUCKING IDIOT- the serpent’s shadow is the THIRD BOOK. uh-oh i almost fucked this whole series over lemme change the book real quick....

i’m literally on the first page and i’ve already been sent on a mission, so the kanes are THOSE bitches

SADIE AND KANE ARE BRITISH???? omg yes please

THEYRE IN LONDON MY HOME

never fucking mind they’re from LA

oh wait sadie was raised as a british kid. that’s very sexy of her.

carter be like, “you wouldn’t be interested in my dad’s lectures.” SHUT UP CARTER I WANNA KNOW MORE ABOUT EGYPTIAN PUNISHMENT

so sadie was raised in east london???? THATS SO SEXC BECAUSE ME TOO BOO

sadie has a british accent. a b r i t i s h a c c e n t.

FIT

“six years in london and she thinks she’s james bond” LMAO

sadie’s so emo/alt i love it. does rick always write his characters like this??

sadie pronounces it “mum” and carter says “mom”

it’s so refreshing to read mum ngl

sadie said bloke omg

i’m feeling carter’s pain. little sisters are shits and honestly sadie has the same vibes as my little sister and me and carter are quite similar. i hate this.

oh wow they really said sadie was too white for their family...

sadie did not HESITATE to be like, “yeah dad we’ll lock that guy in his office. mint.”

sadie telling the story is an experience

sadie said “maths” and “mates” in the same sentence. this is some refreshing shit.

sadie’s friends saying carter is hot is fucking hilarious. like it’s a classic piss-off to thirst over your mate’s sibling

THEYRE GETTING DEPORTED????

LMAO AMOS WAS LIKE, “yeah we don’t talk about manhattan. they’ve got their own problems. *cough percy jackson cough*”

i read thoth the god of knowledge as thot the god of knowledge

carter is right, amos has undeniable swag

philip of macedonia. the crocodile. cool.

i love how the greeks and romans be like “if we don’t honour the gods we’ll get SLAUGHTERED” and the egyptians are like “you know what? fuck the gods me and my homies hate the gods”

sadie kane would stab you in a back alley and dance to mcr as you bled to death and carter kane would take you to a museum, tell you everything about everything and then commit a terrorist attack

amos really went “don’t touch anything, the cats in charge and peace out bitches” and then fucking jumped off the balcony of his five storey mansion

sadie made that door go BANG

that fucking clay statue came to life and not one of them screamed. I WOULD SHIT MYSELF.

i’m giggling, all the greek/roman gods have really long/scary/cool sounding names like tartarus and chaos and nyx but the evilest guy in egyptian myth is called set. S E T.

please make muffin some crazy badass animal like crookshanks or swiftwind.

WHO DARES THROW HANDS WITH PHILIP?????

THE SHABTI FUCKING STOLE AN ARTEFACT THATS AMAZING

i love carter sm, even tho he’s scared as fuck he still picked up that ancient sword and was like “ig i’ll bash some heads in whilst sadie holds the cat”

MUFFIN JUST TURNED INTO SOME WARRIOR CAT LADY AND SHE INSTANTLY GAVE ME CATRA VIBES

every cat in new york is helping them

bast jacked that car like it was nobody’s business

i used to think the greek gods were stupid for having so many things to control but honestly the egyptians are taking the piss, do you really need a whole scorpion goddess?

the kane siblings are written so well. like i actually BELIEVE they’re siblings

i think carters gonna become a comfort character now... like i relate on another level. little siblings always take the spot light and you have to act level headed and calm because the younger ones start shit and you’re like “i gotta be the good one because my family would fall to shit if i didn’t behave.” so big kudos to carter, i love you

so carter’s a king huh? I DIDNT NEED YOU TO TELL ME THAT RICK I ALREADY KNEW HE WAS

zia was like “king tut?? ugh he was such a boy, there were waaaaay cooler tombs out there x x”

i read “nectanebo II” as “nintendo II” and i was like ??? when was that a thing

i drinking camomile tea whilst reading this and i feel so peaceful uwu

sadie really can do magic like THAT like bitch be like “i just copied what zia did and yeah it worked lol”

okay so i’m sorta feeling bad about sadies life rn but i’m still very pro carter

set’s laugh makes me uncomfortable. because when most villains laugh it’s usually described like “their laugh was like a knife, cold and sharp. i hates it.” but when sadie discribed set’s laugh she was like “it was warm and friendly. beautiful.” LIKE AAAA THATS A RED LIGHT

set: the god of theatre because gods dam is he a good actor

sadie saw some hot emo guy and was like “omg marry me”

iskandar be like “lmao imma speak in alexandria greek all the time but this girl bouta die? i switch to perfect english for dramatic effect”

woooOooaaaah SLOW DOWN THERE BUDDY, tongue tattoos???

zia: you guys will probably suck at this at first but oh well we all can’t be great

sadie: *makes fire first time* wooosh

sadie and kane: *doing cool shit* me and my tea: sluuuurrrp

bast is so sassy i love it

me when it’s a sadie chapter: okay ig :/

me when it’s a carter chapter: HOLY SHIT CARTER HEY OMG YOURE DOING CRAZY STUFF???? COOL. i love you.

bast: so yeah, you’d be stupid to teleport to paris, this is desjardin’s home territory

sadie and kane, lying in the streets of paris: oh cool cool

sadie: like i might die rn but i don’t care, as long as it doesn’t get filmed and put in youtube, that would be embarrassing

like ???? sis get your priorities together smh

sadie: *sees hot emo guy again in her spirit adventure, he hints that’s he’s dead or something*

also sadie: so will i see you again?

“no, an egyptian drink. you’ve heard of hot chocolate? this is rather like hot vanilla.” dam now i want some.

carter is an amazing older brother. he’s written perfectly and he’s a great character to relate to for me. even though sadie can make his blood boil, he dropped everything to calm her down when she was panicking about not being able to change back from a bird. i too have to do that for my little sister - sadie and ava are ironically the same age - so i find that very comforting that there is someone like me to relate to!

‘a businessman with a rolling suitcase was waiting by the doors. his eyes widened when he saw me. i must’ve looked pretty strange — a tall black kid in dirty, ragged egyptian clothes, with a weird box tucked under one arm and a bird of prey perched on the other.

‘“how’s it going?” i said. “i’ll take the stairs.” he hurried off.’ LMAO THIS IS WHY CARTER BABY I LOVE YOU

highkey pissed that carters like “i’m always edgy around the police. once i turned eleven they started giving me the Look. when it doesn’t happen it’s always a pleasant surprise.” LIKE FUCK NO HE SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO WALK AROUND UNHASSLED WHATS WRONG WITH HIM

lmao bast be like “imma jump off this national monument. see ya at the airport in my finest clothes and jewellery x”

FOOD UPDATE: i’m eating a chocolate covered waffles and having some tea and i feel so happy rn sorry i know you don’t care but like aaaaaaa

bast called carter her little tomcat and my heart exploded

bast really likes convertibles huh

thoth: i hate rereading my old writing, my present self would never write like this now!! SOMEONE GET ME A RED PEN

are they... are they going to dig up elvis presley?

might put some elvis in for this part, y’know, to set the mood?

i cant stop reading ‘thoth’ as thot even though i know how to pronounce it

the captain with a axe for a head: my name is bloodstained battle axe 😸

yuh bast did some shit ...

imma stop now because spoilers, GO READ THE KANE CHRONICLES THEY ARE THE MOST UNDERRATED RIORDANVERSE BOOKS X X

[ananxiousgenz]

HOOOO BABY ITS REVIEW TIME

okayyyy so this is adult baird right? they're around 26 ish? maybe a bit younger?

heheheh a lil mischief of rats that's one of my favorite animal group names

I love that this lil community is so tight knit like everyone is really a family here they all look out for each other <3

these goddamn teenagers better get out of my daycare (*shakes my metaphorical cane*)

YEAH!!!! BAIRD ISNT A FIGHTER!!!!!! HES A SOLDIER MARCHING INTO SONG!!! THATS AS MUCH OF A FIGHTER AS HES EVER BEEN!!!

also like baird low-key reminds me a lot of jet in that respect, like only gets violent out of necessity but is otherwise a pacifist

ohhhhh the twins!!! genuinely so excited so see what horrors you inflict upon them

ohhhh so hank is from a solar planet that's very interesting (fun fact: I actually have a very elderly neighbor who's last name is hank so it's kinda funny to read this it makes me think about this sweet old guy who feeds the local birds and squirrels peanuts)

oh. oh no. baird's lungs ARE fucked. that's not good!!!! not good at all!!!

"good grief" me when his charlie-brown-acting ass-

haha I'm sorry what? lemme just reread that again to make sure- they're afraid of a WHAT????? A CLEANSING???? HUH?????

ofc baird's dumbass gets oneshotted by a 12 year old and immediately wants to know if it'll scar, nothing but respect and understanding for you king i would also be a one-punch knockout and still want the cool scar

are the pain meds expired or smth? or just really nasty? why doesn't baird want the medicine

THE KIDS THOUGHT THEY KILLED HIM WHY IS THAT SO FUCKING FUNNY

i hope those kids did find somewhere safe to stay

honestly I'm a little surprised baird and charlie and talia never tried to sneak into a meeting before this

I'm very glad that iris and baird fixed their relationship and now they're just kinda like chill roommates/buddies I love that for them

baird cursing.........😙🤌

oh okay so the revolution is like. in SHAMBLES shambles. (this is where baird steps in and unites everyone and-)

ooooo okay so now we're getting a lil info on how the town baird lives in is laid out

oh so iris has used one of the hanataba clinics before???? they know how to operate it???? what did they use it for????

baird my guy they are coming in hot with the plans and I love that for them!!!!

oh fuck the old timers no one gives a shit go use that free child labor!!!

CALYPSO BABYGIRL ARE YOU TELLING ME THAT BAIRD. A SINGER. WHO TOLD HIS MOMMA WHEN THEY WERE A BABY THAT HE COULDNT STOP SINGING IF HE TRIED. HAS FUCKING BLACK LUNG???

CALYPSO AND RITA CONTACT CALYPSO AND RITA CONTACT YIPEEEEEEEEE I AM BOUNCING OFF THE WALLS RN IM SO EXCITED

.........you don't wanna ask rita about peter nureyev unless you want to be privy to a reaaaaally long rant about her boss's love life calypso it's for your own good

fantastic work, such delicious reads before I crawl my eepy lil butt into bed <3

Our Angel of Brahma, pt. x

This is my second time trying to post this, and I think- I think this may the point where I draw the line with the weird fucked formatting Travelers. Hellsite does not like it when I reach the character limit (and I'm tired of fighting it, curses...)

@ceaseless-watchers-special-girl @ananxiousgenz @demonic-panini @the-private-eye @gwenlena

SOUND: COMMS BEEPS. RECORDING BEGINS.

BAIRD (REVOLUTIONARY):

I apologized to Iris for my outburst a few days ago. They accepted it without any questions. I still feel guilty, but they aren't willing to drag this out any longer. 

The twins are off probation but they still need supervision. Talia goes out with them most days as part of her physical therapy. It's good for her. But she always comes back so tired and wiped out from just walking that she takes days to recover. We don't get days though. We don't know when New Kinshasa is going to change its mind on us again. Today they can give us an early curfew, and the next they can turn the Guardian Angel System on to target everyone old enough to remember the Angel. We don't have a damn clue what they're planning or going to do next...

Uh- this week on Brahma: the Rats gang in the north and the Rats gang in the south are at odds with each other. If the situation escalates any further there's going to a be a damn turf war. Ten years of relative peace and now they're at a tipping point? 

(BAIRD SIGHS)

I remember when a mischief of Rats scurried on to our block a few years ago. Charlie, Talia, and I had run a couple of them off years and years prior. And most knew better than to come looking for trouble down our block. Most everyone that was taken care of by Mrs. Darius or taught under Mr. Eber at some point or another knew not to come poking their nose around looking for trouble. But this mischief was new. They didn't know who's grounds they were stepping on or what apartments they were looking to squat in. 

When those new kids started making a mess of the streets and tried running circles around the market, I went and took care of them myself. Josie and Hank were so worried for me, but when I got back I just told them that it was no big deal. Just a bunch of homeless kids that needed a place to stay. I wrangled them into place and got them all sorted and now they’re running chores for old-timers like Hank and slipping messages to the other Revolutionaries across Brahma. 

Yesterday’s Rats weren’t those same kids though. The twins complained about a group of teenagers mucking around the old daycare. Josie and Iris couldn’t parse much of what they said so they’ve asked me to try talking to them and Talia one on one. And from what I understand, the girls were upset because the Rats kept calling them “Goodies”, and Talia was mostly ignoring them pretty well until one of them chucked a rock at her. So now I gotta get involved in another rat problem and either rough ‘em up and shoo ‘em out, or knock enough sense into them they start behaving better. 

(BAIRD GROANS)

And honestly, I wanna do neither. I told Hank and Josie back then that I wasn’t scared but really. I was scared shitless. Those kids were easy to talk to though once they realized I’m like them. I’m not a fighter. I don’t go in fists-a-swinging right off the bat. That was always more Talia and Charlie then me… but, Talia can hardly walk most days, and Charlie’s gone. Josie is too busy distributing aid at the rec center, Hank is retired, the twins are afraid of them, and Iris is coordinating with the Old-Timers. Everyone’s either too old, too busy, or too young to deal with problems like these. 

(BAIRD TAKES A DEEP BREATH AND LETS IT OUT SLOWLY. HE STRUGGLES TO CLEAR THEIR THROAT)

In other news on Brahma: Ester is now taller than I was at ten. Meaning that I really was just short for being a ten-year-old. Hallie is as tall are Charlie was, but they’ll both probably need another year before they’re as tall as Talia was at their age. I don’t know much about Hank and his life before the Galatic Civil War, but I’m almost certain he came from one of the Solar Planets. Why in any Goddess good name he chose to stay in the Outer Rim and chose to stay on Brahma of all places, I don’t think I’ll ever understand. 

(BAIRD COUGHS, BEATS THEIR CHEST, AND COUGHS SOME MORE)

Good grief… I need to ask Iris about something to soothe my throat. Debris keeps falling from New Kinshasa. It burns up before it hits the Dome and can do any real damage, but when I was last in the market, I was talking with one of the vendors and she said her neighborhood was afraid of another Cleansing. The last one was… six years ago? That sounds about right. And the one before that was when New Kinshasa leveled a quarter of Brahma in one day. It still gives me chills just thinking about it. 

SOUND: COMMS BEEPS. RECORDING ENDS.

SOUND: COMMS BEEPS AGAIN. NEW RECORDING BEGINS.

BAIRD (REVOLUTIONARY):

Well, that went better than expected. 

I paid a visit to the squatters at the old daycare. The youngest looked to be about nine, the oldest gave me a black eye–

IRIS:

They did a lot more than that, now hold still while I stitch your face back together.

BAIRD (REVOLUTIONARY):

Oh c’mon Iris– can’t a guy catch a break? Do you think it’s gonna scar at least?

IRIS:

If it does, no one will notice unless they look for it. 

(IRIS GETS LOUDER, AS IF THEY PULLED THE COMMS CLOSER)

For the record: Baird’s brow split open because the Brat was wearing a ring. Baird does have a black eye, but that’s nothing a bit of pain meds can’t help him cope with. 

(BAIRD GAGS)

BAIRD (REVOLUTIONARY):

No thanks, I’ll pass. I can cope with the pain. 

(IRIS SNORTS)

IRIS: 

And… There. All done.

(MOMENTS PAUSE)

BAIRD (REVOLUTIONARY):

You can let go of my face now. 

IRIS:

Right, sorry. You look so much like your parents and I just– I miss them. 

BAIRD (REVOLUTIONARY):

Well it would kind of be a weird if I didn’t look a little bit like them…

IRIS:

Har-har– think you’re so fucking clever… you were saying though? About how it went better than you expected?

BAIRD (REVOLUTIONARY):

Oh yeah. It did. I got punched in the face and the others got freaked out when I fell backwards because they didn’t know how to get rid of a dead body. One of them came over to check on me and I was mostly fine after they helped me sit up. 

The one who punched me didn’t apologize and I don’t need ‘em to. I asked them why they were squatting in the daycare and they said that they didn’t feel safe anymore at their old spot. Apparently the Rats North and South from here drove them out and they each found one another looking for some place to go. I talked to them and they agreed to pack their shit up and get out of the daycare, but they want my help finding someplace they can stay. 

(IRIS HUMS)

IRIS:

It sounds like to me, that we’re past a plausible turf war, and are stuck smack dab in the middle of it. I’ll have to bring this up at the next Meeting you know… How do you feel about going to your first Meeting with the others?

BAIRD (REVOLUTIONARY):

Really! You mean that?

IRIS:

Yes. You’re an adult, I trust your decisions, and you have some experience from back when you helped run Talia’s little book club. Plus those meetings are so boring without someone there to keep you company. It’d be nice to have you around to take notes while I nap.

BAIRD (REVOLUTIONARY):

You’re such an ass, you know that?

(IRIS LAUGHS)

SOUND: COMMS BEEPS. RECORDING ENDS.

SOUND: COMMS BEEPS AGAIN. NEW RECORDING BEGINS.

BAIRD (REVOLUTIONARY):

What the fuck!

(IRIS LAUGHS)

No I’m serious! What the fuck was that for the last hour and a half! What the fuck!

IRIS:

Welcome to my world, Baird. I’ve been fighting those ding-bats for the last decade all on my own. They refuse to give me supplies to restock the only functioning Hanataba Clinic left because you live across town now, how are you supposed to take care everyone when you're all the way over in the Est Quarter? I would move back someplace closer if only you would fucking give me what I need! But no! Instead we run circles around and around, have the same passing contests between North and South, East and West, downtown and uptown, and no body fucking wins! 

(IRIS PANTS)

BAIRD (REVOLUTIONARY):

Oh. I… had no idea. Really? It's been like this this whole time?

IRIS:

Yes! Baird what’s wrong? 

BAIRD (REVOLUTIONARY):

Nothing it’s just… you would move back if they put effort into stocking the Hanataba clinic? You really would?

(A LASPE OF SILENCE. IRIS GASPS)

IRIS:

Oh no no no– no. Baird. Look at me. I would not leave you just like that. You’re my family. I gave up my dream to keep the clinic stocked because I wanted to be there for you and Cyrus. When Hanataba built the clinics, they left each one with a massive handbook covering all sorts of procedures. If the clinic was ever back to half functioning, I’d go back only to show someone else how to keep the lights on. 

(IRIS SIGHS)

But there isn’t anyone else, there aren’t more supplies, and the clinic’s generator was probably been siphoned for fuel years ago. 

(BAIRD MUMBLES SOMETHING INAUDIBLE)

BAIRD (REVOLUTIONARY):

What if… you weren’t the only Hanataba Clinician the Revolution had to rely on though? What if there was at least one other one? 

IRIS:

Come again? 

BAIRD (REVOLUTIONARY):

Quid pro quo. You help me get the Rats off the street, out of the daycare, and I help you find someone else to train to run the clinic and justify getting it operating again. 

IRIS:

You want to use the Brats?

BAIRD (REVOLUTIONARY):

Just the mischief that got ran off by the bigger gangs. I bet I could even talk them into running messages across the planet. Helping us organize a bit better. Make getting the word out easier… what’s wrong?

IRIS:

Nothing, it’s a great idea Baird…

BAIRD (REVOLUTIONARY):

But?

IRIS:

…but I think the Old-Timers won’t like it. They don’t like the Pests to begin with. 

BAIRD (REVOLUTIONARY):

Oh yeah no, they’ll hate this idea. But… I have to try. Right?

(FOOTSTEPS THROUGH AN EMPTY STREET. A FULL MINUTE PASSES)

IRIS:

Yeah. You have to try. I trust your decisions, and I trust you. 

BAIRD (REVOLUTIONARY):

So, lets try together. 

IRIS:

Yeah… we’ll try together. 

SOUND: COMMS BEEPS. RECORDING ENDS.

- This recording takes place a few days after “Decade”. - Baird has mentioned Talia a lot and based off their descriptions it’s likely the neglect and abuse she took from the Constables 10 years prior left her disabled. If not that, in lasting chronic pain. - Baird’s cough does sound very concerning. They sounded awful in the first one (“Belief”). Dust that settles in the lungs can cause scarring. It must have progressively worsened over the years. If they’re alive today I would be shocked. - “Talia’s Book Club” whatever happened to it after Charlie was executed? - Baird’s reaction after attending his first Meeting with other Revolutionary organizers is so much like Eevees’. - Est Quarter: the East Quarter of Brahma. - Baird and Iris’ relationship has changed and improved so much since they were a kid. They’ve clearly grown a lot closer and have a lot of a love for one another. Did Baird’s plan ever get off the ground? Was there another Cleansing? -Frannie’s friend (Ms. Rita) messaged me back with an update on her search for Eevee Bell and Baird Bell. She recommended that I look back through her list for Baird since she said it would take her a week at most to gather everything she could on Eevee Bell. Doing a preliminary search on my own turns up nothing. I don’t know how or where Ms. Rita is getting her information from, and I don’t think I want to know either. The less I know the better (I think). - Though now that I’ve had time to think about it, I could ask her to look into the name Peter Nureyev. I’ve tried searching myself and I haven’t really found anything. Even with the information I’ve gleamed from Camilla and Eevee’s recordings, I haven’t found dick anything. Whoever he is (was?), he very effectively disappeared.

[lihikainanea]

Ok buuut is there any way that when tiger and Alex get drunk together, Alex *doesn't* ask her about Bill? And is there any world where tiger *wouldn't* ferociously deny it? And any way that Alex doesn't figure it out based on the strength of her denial...? But maybe he just thinks she's got feelings for Bill that aren't reciprocated... Ohhh.

I low key kind of love this concept. And it definitely wasn’t his intention because he’s not a sleaze ball who is trying to get her all loose-lipped, but maybe he’s a little tipsy too. And---guuuuuuuhhh hang on my heart just did a PANG PANG thing--maybe Alex is a little protective of Bill, always has been, because Bill’s a sensitive guy you know? And somehow he’s always getting mixed up with girls who are no damn good. Alex isn’t questioning her intentions by any means, but maybe he just wants to know what the deal is.

But my girl tiger--hey listen, tiger has spent her entire friendship defending Bill--and protecting him. She knows when somebody is sniffing for details, and tiger is a hard nut to crack. So maybe when Alex downs his entire pint in two gigantic gulps, belches, and asks her what exactly is going on between her and little bro, tiger grins mischievously.

“He’s great in bed,” she deadpans,”My god, can he hit it.”

Alex blinks, and doesn’t quite hide his surprise in time.

“What?” he asks, “No, I mean are you--”

“Fucking like rabbits? Oh buddy. Lemme tell you something about your little bro,” she continues,”He’s a freak. A straight up freak. He’s into all kinds of--”

“Stop,” he holds up a hand, “I’m just trying to ask if you and him--”

“Have tried some bondage shit? Basic, really. Hey if you know of a few tricks or knots he can use to tie me tighter, maybe when we get back you can--”

But Alex like, deadass gets up from the table. Scrubs a hand down his face. Looks at her with an annoyed glare and it hits tiger like a ton of bricks, how much he resembles Bill in that moment.

“I am going to take a piss,” he grumbles, “And when I get back, this conversation never happened.”

Tiger smiles deviously, victoriously.

“Okay,” she says, chipper.

Alex texts Gustaf that night, to ask him. Because Gustaf knows everything, and Alex knows Bill would have told him. Gustaf tells him to ask Bill. 

And I’ll bet--you know, I don’t give Alex enough credit for this but he’s the oldest of 80009798 siblings so he also has a wicked protective streak, and Alex watches. He observes. And he absolutely gets his answer one day when they’re all on a hike somewhere in the woods, just a small one, and tiger points out an eagle overhead. 

“Oh my god, it’s beautiful,” she gasps. She’s watching the bird, Alex is watching the bird, but when he turns his gaze to Bill--Bill is watching her, amazement and sheer joy on her face, and the corner of his mouth is tugged up into the stupidest small smile.

[bloodshot-interactive]

Our Love is Nothing but a Game

A one-shot drabble about how Bliss and Madison’s breakup went down. Be warned of implied sexual themes

Story under the cut

The Grand Metropolis skyline illuminated brightly with pride throughout the late night sky as the motorcycle sped ahead of the other vehicles on the road. Madison was clearly upset as he drove his way to a bar. Not only does he like and want to drink, but it was also his way to cope, to let loose and clear out whatever was holding him back.

Speaking off holding back.

He got reminded of what happened earlier…

Flashback a few hours…

As Madison returned to a cheap hotel from his gig, the entire suite was quiet. He assumed Bliss was already asleep so he walked further to the living room calling for Bliss that he was home. No response. The only noise was a cheesy old sitcom on TV.

“Come on, Bliss…” he muttered under his breath as he picked up the remote from the table and turned off the TV. He walked over the only bedroom in the suite.

Bliss wasn’t sleeping. She wasn’t there at all. The only things left lying about on the bed was a small note and a banquet of pink and red roses. The raven’s brow was raised as he picked up the note and read it.

“Sorry Maddie. It’s time we move on...” followed by a kiss mark…

End flashback...

He sighed, rolling his eyes as he parked in front of the bar. He took off his sunglasses, and stuffed it inside his leather jacket before walking inside. ‘Don’t worry about that, just have fun…’ he thought to himself.

Everyone at the bar is living lively, having a chill time talking, laughing and dancing, lights dimmed purple, magenta and blue. Madison sat down at the barstool and waved at the squirrel tending the bar.

“Gimme a glass of whiskey, extra ice” he ordered to the squirrel, and with that they were quickly right on it as requested. They slid the drink over to Madison as he caught it. Taking a small sip of the drink, the bird smiled. Cold. Exactly how he liked it.

As the raven turned around to watch everyone having a good time, he saw a couple making out in the corner, and another pair leaving the bar, happily drunk, holding onto each other for dear life and giggling at whatever. He sighed, leaning back on the counter, taking another sip. He really wished it was him….and Bliss.

There's a sudden faint floral smell in the room. That fragrance was all too familiar to him. Putting his drink down, he hopped off the barstool to follow it.

Is that really who I think this is?

That can’t be. Right?

The floral smell got stronger and warmer as he stood at the round table staring directly at who it belonged to. Madison’s eyes widened. Heart skipping a beat.

It was her.

“Bliss?”

As the moth was in the middle of her waiting daze, surrounding herself in heavy pink smoke from her e-cigarette, she turned to the voice belonging to the familiar raven. She tilted her head and gave him an unnoticeable, fake smile, her small, crimson sunglasses gave off a shine from the dimmed multicolored lights.

“Ohh, hi, Maddie! I didn’t think you’d find me here of all places. What brings you here?”

Madison folded his arms and glanced away at the silk moth. “Ah ya know, just trying to let loose, meeting new people, just vibing… ya know?” He chuckled sheepishly, hiding the fact by how hurt he was. He’s having the urge to ask her a question, biting his lower beak.

Bliss chuckled softly, taking a drag of her e-cig. She then blew out more smoke as she spoke, “That's good to hear. You deserve to vibe after all that hard wor—“

“So what’s up with the note?”

The moth’s antennae flicked at the sudden question from the raven. She switched her e-cig off and stuffed it into her hot pink purse. “Excuse me?”

Madison’s voice was a bit firm, held out his hands for gesture as he leaned a bit forward, “The note! And flowers on the bed. You left me!” his arms drooped down in a bit of defeat “Why? I thought our relationship was strong.”

“The note…” the silk moth thought for a moment with a mutter, “Oh right, the note! Yeeeaah, about that” she pushed her sunglasses down a bit, her pitched black eyes staring up at the bird. She clearly has no pupils but Madison can tell she was looking at him. “I got bored. So I left.”

“Bored…?” He muttered monotonously in question

“Yup” she laid back on the cushioned seat, one leg over the other, giving the raven a cold smirk, “honestly, I never actually loved you. I only wanted you for your money, but it seems like you have nothing left on you after you waved goodbye to that degenerate gang of yours. You really believed that our love lasted that long?”

“I DID!!” The raven’s yelling caught everyone’s attention to the former couple. They all stopped talking and everything they were doing, even the music came to a halt. All eyes are on them now. It made Bliss flinch quite a bit but it didn’t bother Madison none.

His feathers bristled, leather gloved hands clinched to fists, “You think our relationship is a game to you?! I put so much effort on my love for you! I gave you everything you wanted!!”

Madison’s brows furrowed with the sign of confusion and anger but didn’t break eye contact with Bliss. The poor guy was heartbroken. “Bliss! I loved you!!”

The silk moth frowned and turned away, crossing her arms impatiently. No response.

“I spent most of my money on a fancy dinner, an amusement park, the goddamned movie theatre! And on top of that, I ditched my fucking gang so I can spend more time with you while on a solo gig!” Madison facepalmed at the last thing he’s ever done. That was the biggest mistake on his part.

“My boss is gonna want me dead by now…!”

Bliss turned back to Madison, a sultry, cat like smirk returned to her face, “That's good! Dirt cheap men like you deserved it. Anyone I touch will suffer beautifully. And you’re one of them. I can see it on your pathetic little face...” her dangerous smile grew wide.

The raven was disgusted by her statement, “So you want me dead after everything we had together?! Are...are you fuckin’ hearing yourself right now??”

“Nope.” The silk moth got up, snatching her overcoat and purse off the seat, “I honestly don’t have time to deal with you right now. You men are nothing but sorry excuses who don’t know to treat a lady. It’s over between us. At least there’s someone else out there with better class!” As soon as she’s out of her seat, she sees someone calling her name. Her wings fluttered as she flew quickly away from the bird, calling out sweetly to the one bulky grey wolf. “Big Daddy~!”

Madison looked on at his ex and that wolf in disbelief.

“Aye, there’s my lil’ Creme Puff! Sorry I took so long, hadda take care of some business.” the wolf gave the moth a toothy smile, gently squeezing at her ass with a hug. He then took a look at a confused Madison across from him. “That bird botherin’ ya?”

Bliss’s gloved claws gliding elegantly, at the wolf’s broad chest, nonexistent hues staring pleadingly at him, “Oh Big Daddy~ indeed~! That mean ol’ bird won’t leave me alone!” She pushed herself against him, “Please, Big Daddy, make him stop!” As her silky, seductive voice and wanton touch puts the wolf under a spell, his clawed hand gently slides down at the moth's soft hair with a huff, smirking at her.

“Aight, let Big Bad handle this one. Ya stay put, my lil’ Creme Puff” the Wolf, known as Big Bad walked over to Madison, towering over him. “Ya gotta problem with my girl?”

“Your girl?” Madison scoffed and folded his arms, grayish blue eyes locked at Big Bad orange ones, “You mean, my girl, right. You hardly ever met her!”

“Oh yeah?” That’s when Big Bad grabbed Madison by the collar of his jacket, bumping each other’s heads. “Lemme tell ya somethin’, buddy, Bliss is my girl now. So ya betta stay away from her, or else we gon’ have some problems, ya feel me!?”

The raven growled in anger as he looked over at the wolf’s shoulder and spotted Bliss, who’s smiling deviously at the both of them. He looked back at the Wolf and pushed him away. “Yeah, I understand perfectly. Though, I got one advice for you, my man. You better keep ya eyes open, ‘cause you’re dealing with something that you’re gonna regret!”

“Tha fuck’re tryin’ a say?” Big Bad’s orange hues staring up and down at the bird, looking to punch this guy senseless.

“All I’m saying is, to her, you’re nothing but a pot of gold, but she’ll leave you to rot if you ain’t got shit for her like she did to me just now. So you better count your fucking days, bucko, you’ll be biting the dust before you know it!”

As soon as Madison was on his way out, he was grabbed from the back of his jacket by Big Bad, and was tossed towards the very back where the DJ was playing his tunes, crashing forcefully at the wall in the process. Everyone gasped and muttered about as to what’s going on.

Madison slowly sat up and took out his handgun

from inside his jacket. This caught everyone’s attention. “That does it, you’ve crossed the line!!” But before he attempts to pull the trigger, Bliss was in the way, hugging Big Bad lovingly, pecking kisses at his face. Madison lowered his weapon and stuffed it back into his jacket in defeat.

“Oh~ Big Daddy, you’re such a big, strong man~! You're turning me on already!” Bliss’s voice was too sultry, too sweet to resist, but her stare at the poor raven was deadly and devilish for sure.

“Heh, what can I say, they don’t call me Big Bad for nothin’ ya know?” The grey wolf wrapped his arm around the silk moth before they left the bar. “Let’s head over to my club, too many creeps n’ freaks up in this joint”

Watching this newfound duo leave, Madison brushed himself off in anger and kicked the dirt off the floor. He aggressively took off his jacket and threw it to the floor. He noticed all the patrons, even the DJ and the bartender were watching this in concern and fear.

“What the fuck are are you all looking at??” He muttered, grabbing his jacket off the floor and stormed out of the bar.

Driving back to the hotel, he smirked and started laughing to himself. What a fool he was; and to think he and Bliss had something special and now he’s been played. He should’ve listened to ZigZag and Diesel about leaving the gang, but he was too blindly in love with the moth that he had to. Now he’s a dead man walking and he had to figure out ways to not be seen by the bikers to get himself killed. Fuck that! He’s not gonna take shit from anyone. He’s gonna let everyone in Grand Metropolis know that he’s not a game, that he’s not the man to mess with.

And he sure as hell, karma will soon creep at that Bitch.

Their love was nothing but a game...

[unofficialkfamtranscripts]

King Falls AM - Episode Twelve: All the Pretty Flowers

View on Google Docs

Summary: October 15, 2015 - Against Ben's wishes, Sammy broaches a touchy subject after witnessing a hearse delivering white roses on his way into the station. Is it a King Falls Halloween tradition or could it be something more sinister? #RedRumRoses

[podcast intro music]

[jazz music]

Chet Well the clock on the wall is telling me that’s all, y’all. So I’m gonna mosey on down to The Red Rock bar and buy all the ladies a drink on me. But don’t try to fool me again, Dennis. This has been Chet Sebastian’s Jazz Corner. Until next time… keep it cool King Falls.

[Sammy & Ben Show intro music]

Ben Good evening, you’re listening to King Falls AM [door closing]– that’s 660 on the radio dial. [slightly irked] And this is the Sammy and Ben show— sans-Sammy at the moment.

[footsteps]

Sammy Sorry about that, Ben! everybody at home. I was just running a little late. I was j- Y-you know, I just saw the weirdest thing!

Ben Was it Chet leaving? I told him to take that fur coat off. Guy looks like he walked off a set of a Blaxploitation[1] film.

Sammy *laughs* No, I wish I’d seen that. But I was driving in tonight- I was running a tad bit late, as you can see, and I swear to you: I’m coming up Main Street, I got behind a hearse delivering these giant white rose bouquets! Like, every couple of streets the damn thing’s stoppin’!

Ben No.

Sammy No *laughs* yeah it did.

Ben … SOOOOO… Weee’ve got a great show for you folks tonight. Uh, Ernie Salcedo…

Sammy Ben.

Ben *pointedly clearing his throat* … Yes?

Sammy Okay, I can see you slashing at your neck furiously and shaking your head “no”, but the audience can’t. Sooo, what’s the issue here?

Ben *nervously* I’m sorry we… just don’t talk about this, Sammy.

Sammy So you know of it! Is it like some kind of weird Halloween thing?

Ben [flatly] Halloween? Are you serious? We don’t celebrate Halloween here in the Falls, Sammy.

Sammy WHAT? This is like friggin’ Halloween Town! You know those shops that open up every year around Halloween and close the day after? King Falls is where all those shops should move to when it’s not Halloween.

Ben Two things. 1) That’s a horrible business model, and 2) Halloween is one, big, diabetic pumpkin.

Sammy Come on? You don’t like decorating? Trick-or-treating?

Ben ALL OF IT. It’s like you’re— tempting these ghouls and goblins to come and mess with you. We get enough of that here. And again, diabetes.

Sammy Okay, I can see where you’re coming from, but I’m not gonna lie— this is kind of a surprise.

Ben What can I say? We’re more the Christmas or Arbor Day types.

Sammy Okay, so the hearse is delivering flowers. What’s the deal if it’s not a Halloween… ritual?

Ben Did you really see that? Did someone tell you to mess with me about this?

Sammy Scout’s Honor. I was late because of it! I illegally passed on a double yellow line (sorry Deputy Troy) just to skate around ‘em and make my way up the mountain.

Ben … I don’t like this. I-I don’t know that I’ve ever known anyone that saw the flowers delivered. Usually businesses and people just find the wreaths the next morning. D-Di-Did you see inside the hearse? Was it… people?

Sammy You know, I didn’t look, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and say… it was a human being.

Ben Well, that’s good. *breath* It’s something.

Sammy Okay, so the roses…

Ben [voice breaking] Damnit, Sammy! We got a show scheduled, ya know?

Sammy I’m well aware! Just fill me in about the roses and we’ll move on.

Ben [muttering] Yeah yeah, okay, so… *deep breath* Every year, around this time—

Sammy Halloween…

Ben OCTOBER.

Sammy Uh-huh…

Ben Every— October… there is a certain society of people— and I use the term “people” loosely— that congregate and deliver the rose wreaths to individuals and businesses. That’s— a fact.

Sammy And?

Ben Annnd… nobody really knows what happens after that.

Sammy [audible grin] But legend has it…!

Ben Don’t “legend-has-it” me! Nobody knows for sure! Why gossip?

Sammy Okay. What do you think happens, Ben?

Ben *breathes in* Uuuugghhhh… Well, I think people either accept this weird— invitation or… they don’t. But I can tell you, the people that don’t? Well… they don’t, last long after that.

Sammy Okay. So we’ve just went from spooky 1-800-Flowers to murder in only a few easy steps.

Ben Not- murder- per say, but… businesses that decline tend to… move away or go under. Or tragedy strikes. Sure, I-I’ve heard stories of these folks winding up on the wrong end of a funeral ceremony, but… I couldn’t prove it. Are you satisfied now?

Sammy Of course. Thank you, Ben. King Falls, you’ve heard our story, now let’s hear yours!

Ben DON’T open the phone lines!

Sammy We’re-opening-up the phone lines here at the station! 424-279-3858. Have you had contact with this demonic annual floral delivery? Hit us up!

Ben Don’t call or tweet us. Please.

Sammy Give us a call or tweet us @KingFallsAM, [smugly] Ben will personally answer every tweet #RedrumRoses[2]

Ben NOPE! Not gonna happen.

Sammy Ben…[faux sympathy] It looks like the phone lines are lighting up, buddy.

Ben I expected better of you, King Falls.

Sammy Lucky Line 1, you’re on the air with Sammy And Ben.

Pete Low-down, gossip-mongering, muckraking filth.

Ben [flatly] Pete?

Sammy [quiet and amused] Escobar?

Pete N-uh- it’s Pete. You know damn well I’m listenin’.

Ben Wwhat’s on your mind tonight, Pete?

Sammy Did your mom teach you to start off phone calls with name-calling, Pete?

Pete [faint creaking in bg] My mom taught me to… stand up for myself! Don’t start a fight, but don’t be afraid to end it.

Sammy Who’s fighting?

Pete Oh, what a short attention span you have, Sammy. Not dwelling on you and Mr. Howard Ford Beauregard III issues; you’re picking a fight with the Unknown! Ben told you to shut your trap. [very faint sounds of driving]

Sammy Heh, lemme tell you, this would a long four hours if we didn’t talk and, y’ know, sometimes you have to—

Pete Yeah yeah, I get it, Mr. Nincompoop Radio Host. [creaking] You gotta blab. But that’s something you don’t trifle with. You should know this.

Ben Sammy, you know I hate to say Pete is right about anything, but—

Pete But I’m right about this! I know you know, Ben. That’s all I need to know. Stop yapping about things you don’t understand.

Ben Thanks, Pete.

Sammy [mostly resigned] Did you have a question or an experience with the flowers, Pete?

Pete Abs-absolutely not! I– d-don’t try to get me in trouble. [car door closing]

Ben You okay over there, Pete?

Pete [failing at being nonchalant] Yeah I’m just out, and… uh, just out.

Sammy [incredulous] This time of night?

[car door slamming]

Pete Yeah! I’m- runnin’ errands and- stuff like that, y’know. ‘T’s- It’s not- it’s not your business!

Ben [literally tongue-in-cheek] Uh-huh…

Pete You’re makin’ something of this. Yer- you’re doin’ somethin’, you’re getting me invo— Stop.

Ben It’s just weird, Mr. Beauregard’s gardener is out at 2 in the morning, running errands.

Sammy So your boss doesn’t have anything to do with the roses, does he, Pete?

Pete Ben Arnold. If you’ve got a lick of good sense, I wouldn’t walk too close to Sammy for the next feww… mm— mmmm… lifetimes! He’s gonna wind up on the bottom end of an anvil.

Sammy You know, I just don’t think asking questions is the equivalent of buying ACME rocket kits and trying to catch a damn bird.[3]

Ben [semi-stern] Y’mind answering his question, Pete?

[creaking]

Pete Oh, HELL NO. You two are a couple ‘a horse patoots. I’m never listening to this show again.

Ben Until tomorrow.

Pete PETE OUT! [click, dial tone]

Ben Are you happy, Sammy? Is this what you were hoping for?

Sammy Civilized conversation is the only thing I look for. That said… I’m gonna say, it’s a tad bit suspicious.

Ben There are dots we don’t need to connect. MOVING ON!

Sammy Maybe you’re right.

Ben Folks, we’re gonna take a break to pay some bills, and we’ll be right back and on schedule.

[rattle, guitar strums]

Dale (presumably) [voice is a low murmur (for lack of a better word)] Dale’s Dollar Tree… [strum] at dirt cheap prices… [strum] it’s almost free. [guitar,western music] Hi, everybody, I’m super excited to tell you ‘bout some unbelievable deals we have right now… at Dale’s Dollar Tree. Let’s segue to the savin’s [eagle screech] Our low prices are guaranteed… Who’s guaranteeing it, you ask? … Me… [guitar stops] How do you take advantage of these savings? [strum, rattle] 1) Walk into Dale’s Dollar Tree [strum] 2) Throw somethin’ in your cart [strum] 3) Savings. [guitar] Dale’s Dollar Tree. [eagle screech]

[S&B theme]

Sammy Ladies and gentlemen, we are back and you’re listening to King Falls AM. Now we were just talking about me running late this morning, because of a, uh, hearse—

Ben [cutting Sammy off] So we’ve got a great show scheduled tonight. We’ve got Mr. Eli Goldblum on later in the hour.

Sammy And who is Mr. Goldblum?

Ben Are you kidding me? Only the most renowned post-mortal psychologist known to man! He’s on his spoken-word world tour, and this Thursday, you can see him live at the King Falls Convention Center.

Sammy … That’sss-something.

Ben Indeed! So that’s in about… forrrty minutes. Uh, we got Rose, (from Rose’s Diner, of course) calling in to talk about how the Bee Crisis is affecting her honey-baked ham specials for the- foreseeable future.

Sammy [TIL] Really? That’s something that’s happening?

Ben Come on, Sammy. This bee situation is serious business.

Sammy You get points for not buzzing or saying “beeees-ness”

Ben You don’t wanna know how hard that was…

Sammy -eh- Okay. So, how can we help with the bees?

Ben Uhhh… cut- back- on swatting them?? *awkward laugh* I-I-I don’t know for sure that’s-that’s why we’re talkin’ to Rose.

Sammy Gotcha!

Ben And our first topic of discussion this evening— was gonna be—

Sammy About the flowers.

Ben Don’t.

Sammy Okay, look. Can we open up the phone lines again? I’d like to talk about these flowers. Uh, you tell King Falls your topic, and then we’ll see what they wanna talk about.

Ben You know they’ll talk about the damn rose wreaths!

Sammy You heard it here, folks. Line 7, you’re on with Sammy and Ben.

Herschel Ugh, I can’t sleep with all this damn racket going on! You two DINGLEBERRIES keep it down!

Sammy *laugh* Herschel??

Herschel Oh, hell. Don’t make me get out of bed and give you a full blast so late at night! [muttered] Don’t even know where my slippers are…

Ben Mr… Baumgartner, you realize you called us, right? This is- the radio station.

Herschel I know who and what I called. I dialed you DICKWHISTLES because all this [mocking] cry-babying about the damn flowers. Turn that jazz fella back on so- so I can get some rest!

Sammy Chet is on from 10 to 2, Mr. Baumgartner. This is Sammy and Ben and we- talk about—

Herschel I don’t give a damn if it’s Tricky Dick Nixon calling to give me a Congressional Medal of Honor! You shut your nose holes about the damn funeral flowers. And play me some heroin-fueled American art! [click]

[dial tone]

Sammy We’re gonna count that as one for the flowers…

Ben Line 14, you’re live on the air.

Creeper Long time listener here!

Sammy [click, dial tone]

Ben Did you hang up, Sammy?

Sammy Yeeaah, sorry. I hate that guy.

Ben Line 3,*chuckles* this is King Falls AM.

Beauregard Good evening, Benjamin. Samuel. This is—

Ben Beauretard?![sic]

Beauregard *sigh* Mr. Howard Ford Beauregard the Third. My man told me that you were spreading more lies than usual on your little “radio show.” I thought I would call and clear the air.

Sammy Mr. Beauregard, can I just say, before this call goes ANY further— that we will not accept any abuse towards us or the listeners of this show.

Beauregard How cute that you think people listen to you two buffoons.

Ben That’s abuse! That’s exactly what we were—

Beauregard Oh, that’s a joke where I come from. You millennials would never have lasted back in my day. With your emotions and feelings and the like.

Ben When was that day, again, Mr. Beauregard?

Beauregard Information about myself and my family, can be found in my international, best-selling e-book, “King of King Falls” … I don’t have to answer to— well— you.

Sammy *sigh* Did you have a reason for the call tonight, Beauregard?

Beauregard Indeed, I do. While men with any couth wouldn’t speak about festivities that they know nothing aboouut—

Sammy So, you’re behind these deliveries?

Ben Also, while I would never name names and throw my friend under a bus— you should know this wasn’t the agreed upon topic of the show.

Sammy Oh, stop it.

Beauregard [agonizingly insincere] I don’t know a thing about the supposed yearly white rose deliveries you speak of. My family, nor myself, have ever been involved with such jovality.[sic] In fact, in all my years I can’t recollect such a thing.

Ben I don’t buy that for a second. Maybe you’ve never sent the roses, and— let’s play devil’s advocate and say, sure, you’ve never received them (which I doubt), but there is No Way you haven’t heard of this.

Beauregard Maybe it’s something you commoners have made up, like, uhh- the tooth fairy or the Illuminati orrr— equal rights for the sexes.

Ben I can’t deal with this guy! Just dump him and let’s take another line.

Sammy Wait… Mr. Beauregard. If you don’t care about this— and, in fact, haven’t even heard of it until tonight— why would you bother to break your Hate-Silence with us to call in?

Beauregard You’re not nearly as dumb as you look, Stevens! And while I continue to honor my statement before— I’d have to assume that this “rose” ordeal is a real thing. It’s probably a very special thing! An intimate invitation sent by the upper echelons of King Falls. A way of making amends or bring people worthy of attention, into a conversation that normally would not have been invited to have.

Ben Just for everyone keeping score at home: I took a college course on Crazy and I believe he is saying he knows that the wreath deliveries are real, and he is probably behind them.

Beauregard Time is money, gentleman. Not that you understand that concept. But instead of painting a ceremony you know nothing about as tragic and scary— perhaps it’s not. Perhaps it’s something more than that, entirely. In any case, it’s not something that should be spoken about in public. [phone pings] Ahhh… I’ll be going now, “gentlemen.” And while I do use that word lightly, perhaps take a break from your radio program and… check your door.

Ben Isss that a threat?

Beauregard Trick-or-Treat, Samuel… Benjamin. [click]

[dial tone]

Sammy I wonder what he sounds like when he has something nice to say to people.

Ben He probably hasn’t said anything nice to a person since the 60s… The 1860s.

Sammy Ya know, I didn’t mean to ruffle anyone’s feathers tonight. Especially crazy old billionaires who try to drive us off the air— so let’s just—

Ben I’M GONNA GO CHECK THE DOOR.

Sammy What?!

Ben Yeah. [chair sliding out] I’m sorry, man. Beauregard gives me the willies [squeak] and I wanna make sure there isn’t—

Sammy A sugar-glider on a noose?

Ben Too far. I was just gonna say— that he hasn’t had Pete ding-dong-ditch us- or something.

Sammy And here I thought the Williams boys had that market cornered.

Ben I’ll be back in a sec. [footsteps rushing off]

Sammy [shouting after him] Don’t talk about Pete that way, Ben! He’s never gonna listen to the show again! Alright, folks. We are just a few hot minutes away from Eli Goldblum coming into the studio to talk about, [ominous bg music starts] uh… I’m guessing- ghosts with lingering mental issues? Ah, sorry— apparitions. [footsteps rushing back] I’m holding out hope for an apparition with multiple personality disorder, but I don’t know if that’s a thing or not… [chair squeak, Ben sitting] Ben? You okay, buddy?

Ben [upset] How many times, did I ask you to stop talking about the stupid, hearse, Sammy?

Sammy What’s wrong?

Ben [sarcastic] Oh, nothing. You wanna go outside and take a look?

Sammy You know, I don’t think I want to. I’m happy with you filling me in.

Ben Well, I didn’t go outside, Sammy! I didn’t have to. I looked out the front window.

[ominous bg music getting louder]

Sammy Yeah? And?

Ben [hissed] damnit

Sammy … Ben. What is going on? Do we need to call Troy?

Ben The whole parking lot- your car, MY car— as far as the lights will let me see— Nothing but white roses, man.

Sammy … Are you serious?

Ben Go look!! Just don’t go out there, huh? It looked like it was snowing, that’s how many of those damn things are out there.

Sammy [scrambling for optimism] What’s the chances that it’s just a non-Halloween bouquet from Emily to you?

Ben ZERO. Zero percent chance, Sammy.

Sammy [seriously] Folks, we’ll be right back after a word from our sponsors.

[KFAM outro]

[CREDITS]

References

[1] Blaxploitation - Blaxploitation or blacksploitation is an ethnic subgenre of the exploitation film that emerged in the United States during the early 1970s. The films, while popular, suffered backlash for disproportionate numbers of stereotypical film characters showing bad or questionable motives, including roles as criminals.

[2] #RedrumRoses - Redrum is from the psychological horror film The Shining. It’s “murder” spelled backward.

[3] “ACME rocket kits and trying to catch a damn bird” - I sincerely hope no one will ever be too young for this reference, but I once had my little brothers ask who Mr. Rogers was so: this is a reference to the Looney Toons cartoons, Wile E. Coyote and the Road Runner. In each episode, Coyote repeatedly attempts to catch and eat the Road Runner, a fast-running ground bird, but is never successful. In order to catch the Road Runner, Coyote uses absurdly complex contraptions- most acquired from the mail-order company ACME- to try to catch his prey, which all backfire comically with Coyote often getting injured in slapstick fashion.

[rareficsnstuff]

Flub [Oikawa, Bokuto, Kuroo, (Iwa, Makki, Matsun)]

Summary: Oikawa arranges a three-on-three practice match featuring Bo and Kuroo. But he happens to be a little off his game today, leading to stupid mistakes and consequences. Also: since when was Bo so perceptive?

Words: 3,200

__________________________________________________

“I guess this is the place,” said Oikawa as he, Iwaizumi, Matsukawa, and Hanamaki stood in front of a municipal gym somewhere in Tokyo. How did they end up here?

It was summer after their graduation and, somehow, Oikawa had started texting Daichi about what their plans were for the future. Oikawa had mentioned that he would’ve liked to have some sort of practice match with a bunch of strong players separate from regular training, but outside of his three third-year buddies from Aoba Johsai and the third-years from Karasuno (who were largely unavailable at the moment), he didn’t really have any connections to people like that. That’s when Daichi brought up Karasuno’s summer training camp where they had been continuously ‘harassed’ by Nekoma and Fukurodani (specifically their highly spirited Captains). He told the setter he would ask them if they were interested in a match with the former Seijoh players and that he would get back to him with the answer. Long story sort: they were very interested. So Oikawa received their contact info from Daichi, and they set a place and time for the match.

Oikawa really hoped this practice would somehow give him answers to help him break through this wall he recently found himself stuck behind. He would never tell anyone, but Oikawa was terrified that he would never reach the potential of a national team level. After all, in all of middle school and high school, his team never was able to beat Ushiwaka and his protégé ended up defeating his team at the end of his high school career. He was beginning to doubt himself again. And he hated himself for it.  

“This should be interesting. One last hurrah before the Seijoh third-years go their separate ways, huh?” mussed Iwaizumi. “And against Bokuto. He’s one of the top 5 spikers in the nation, right?”

“Yeah, I gotta say, I’m really looking forward to this!” said Hanamaki.

“Well, we’d have to make it inside the gym first,” Matsukawa drawled.

“Right you are, Matsun! Well, then! Shall we, fellas?” Oikawa flourished and without further comment, they entered the gymnasium to meet the two former captains.

___________________________________________________

“Yoooo!~” said Kuroo.

“Hey, hey, hey! You guys must be the Seijoh formers, yeah?” Bokuto said, flamboyantly. The four stood, only slightly dumbfounded by the energetic welcome before Oikawa replied.

“That we are! It’s wonderful to meet the two of you! Thank you so much for indulging us!” As per usual for the setter, each word was carefully selected and soon, everyone was exchanging greetings and introductions.

“Alright, so how do you guys wanna split the teams up?” Kuroo asked a little later.

“Well, all together, we have three wing spikers, two middle blockers, and one setter. But, Makki here could just as well play the role of setter under the circumstances. I think Bokuto and Iwaizumi should be on opposing teams and Matsun and Kuroo would oppose each other as well,” Oikawa reasoned.

“Alright then: how about Bo, Oikawa, and Matsukawa on one team, and Iwaizumi, Hanamaki, and myself on the other. Sound good?” Kuroo asked and everyone nodded and murmured their approval.

____________________________________________________

About ten minutes later, everyone was finishing their warmups and Bokuto’s attention was drawn to Oikawa who was practicing his serves; his eyes closed, head bowed, and gripping the ball as though it were something truly precious. He was oozing with intense focus and, frankly, Bokuto just couldn’t resist. He was so serious. He just had to.

Creeping up behind him, he carefully moved his hands towards the setter’s sides. The sound that suddenly resonated throughout the gymnasium startled everyone, causing them to look towards its source. Bokuto had tasered his sides and he uttered something akin to a strangled sea bird as his elbows slammed against his sides and he doubled over, wide-eyed and slack-jawed. The whole room stilled.

For a couple seconds, the only sound that could be heard was the ball bouncing as it slowly came to rest on the ground after falling from Oikawa’s hands.

“Huh- W-wha-?!” Oikawa stuttered, looking cautiously back at the guy behind him, his cheeks pink.

“Heh… Oops. Sorry, man, I just wanted to see if I could break your focus. I mean, you were so serious!” said Bokuto honestly. The other four boys chuckled under their breath as Oikawa began to pout.

____________________________________________________

As the match settled into a steady rhythm, the incident was more-or-less forgotten while everyone focused on their opponents. Into the second set, it was clear that Bokuto, Oikawa, and Matsukawa’s side was the more powerful. But only just. Regardless, everyone could tell that Oikawa was a little… off.

“Alright, make it a good one, my man!” Bokuto shouted as Oikawa prepared to serve again.

“Yeah, and if you make us lose because of your shitty serves, you owe me dinner,” said Matsun dully.

“Oh common! Would you drop that threat already! I’m doing my best!”

“If you lose, your side’s getting a penalty,” said Iwaizumi from across the net. Makki and Kuroo nodded.

“Stop it! Lemme work!” Up went the ball, and up went Oikawa, slamming it down hard on the other side of the net…

“…”

“way’ta knock it outta the park, you piece of garbage,” said Matsun. Needless to say… it was out.

“Thanks, dude!” said Kuroo mockingly as Iwaizumi and Makki laughed.

“GAAAA! Damn it! I’m sorry! I’ll get it right next time, I promise!”

“Hey, don’t worry about it, okay?” said Bokuto brightly.

“If that were you, Bo, you’d be all mopey now,” said Kuroo.

“Shut up, I’m getting better!”

With Oikawa’s flub, their side lost their one point lead and the two teams were now tied, causing a deuce. The tug-of-war on the lead went back and forth for some time until Oikawa was up to serve again, with various jeers and mockeries in tow. Oikawa grumbled. He could only imagine what kind of hellish penalty those jerks on the other side of the net would come up with and their mocking was not helping him concentrate.

He took a deep breath and tossed the ball, jumped, and brought his hand down on it, slamming it down with everything he had...

Except… it didn’t make it to the other side.

Everyone froze, their jaws hanging and wide eyes locked on Bokuto who seemed to have stopped breathing. Oikawa went pale.

“Oh my god, I am so sorry, Bokuto! Are you alright?!” the setter panicked.

“Is he okay?! Did it hit him in the head?!” asked Iwaizumi.

“Nah, it was his back, but…” said Matsun.

“Hey, man, say somethin’!” said Makki.

“Bo. You good, bro?” asked Kuroo.

Oikawa stood behind the group, holding a hand to his lips and shuffling nervously from one foot to the other as everyone waited for Bokuto to respond. Bokuto’s face was downcast and shadowed, his shoulders unnervingly slack. It was weird to see him so quiet.

Everyone startled when he suddenly turned his head sharply to look behind him at Oikawa. He was glaring. To everyone else in the room, the threatening effect was lost on them by the way Bokuto’s lip stuck out in a pout, making the glare look more like a child having been denied ice cream. But to Oikawa; who, for one thing, wasn’t familiar with him as a person, and, for another, was the cause of his agitation, it was definitely effective. If Oikawa was pale before, it was nothing compared to how he looked now. His eyes were like saucers.

Without warning, Bokuto spun on his heel and began making his way towards the setter in long, heavy strides. Seeing this, Oikawa squawked, turning away from him to fall on the ground in a cowering ball, his arms covering his head in defense.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorr-!“ he chanted in desperation. He was at a loss of what to do. He just didn’t know Bokuto! He seemed like a pretty cheerful, easy-going guy, but Oikawa didn’t know what would happen if someone pushed his buttons! He didn’t know what would make him snap!

His panicked thoughts were interrupted by a sudden contact and Oikawa screamed. He couldn’t believe this was happening right now; the guy was tickling him! Bokuto had his fingers planted in the spaces between his ribs, vibrating them there and making Oikawa cackle in surprise.

“WHAHA- NAHahahaha!”

The others chuckled, Iwaizumi rolling his eyes as his former Captain was tortured for his mistake.

“Geaaahahaha! WHYEEEHEHEHE?!” he asked through his laughter, rolling to his side and pawing weakly at Bokuto’s hands.

“This is what happens when you’re too tense during a match; you make stupid mistakes and someone ends up hurt!” Bokuto lectured. But the goofy smile on his face told everyone that he wasn’t really angry: just Bokuto being Bokuto.

“Naha! I-hehehe! I-I’m sorryyyyhehehe! It was an a-hAHAHAhaaa ahaccidehent!”  Oikawa tried, his laughter and squirming getting a little more desperate when his tickle monster switched to attacking his exposed hip with one hand, while his other began worming itself under his arm.

“Nope! Too late for that, buddy,” said Bokuto, still smiling like an idiot.

“Yeah, be a man and accept the consequences!” Makki cheered.

“Hey, I think there was a water fountain right outside. Do you wanna go refill our water bottles?” Matsun asked passively.

“Sounds good,” said Makki. Iwaizumi nodded with a grunt of agreement and the three of them turned from the spectacle before them and began making their way out of the gym.

“Wahait! IWA-CHAHAN, HEEEHEHEHELP!” Bokuto laughed at the desperate plea.

“Maybe later, Shittykawa. Thirsty,” he said bluntly. Oikawa spit something that sounded a bit like ‘traitor’ through his laughter as they left and Iwaizumi chuckled to himself. The idiot deserved this right now. And he kinda needed it, too. He had been way too tense lately. Maybe Bokuto had just noticed that too and decided to help in his own way.

“Geeze, Oikawa, you sure squirm a lot,” said Bokuto while he was currently busy attacking his stomach and sides. “Hey, Kuroo, could you gimme a little help here?”

“Sure~” he sang eagerly.

“Get his arms outta the way for me, yeah?”

“NAHAOoo! Goho away, Shihit hahahair!”

“Excuse me?! What was that?! You makn’ fun of my hair now?! You better get’em good, Bo,” he teased as he knelt on the floor above Oikawa’s head and pried his arms away from his middle to hoist them above his head. Bokuto himself moved to sit on his thighs, just above his knees, effectively pinning him down.

“Heh! Oh, I intend to, dude. You know, I’m gonna have a welt on my back for weeks from that serve!”

“NO, NO, NOOOhoho! Lehemme GO!” Oikawa pleaded.

Before he could get another word out, Bokuto began massaging his upper ribs and the setter was overcome by laughter once again. With nowhere to move, the only option he was left with was to arch his back off the floor and throw his head back in desperation. This action, however, drew Bokuto’s attention to his hips. So he moved the attack there, causing Oikawa’s hips to come crashing back down as he contracted his spine in a frail attempt at escape. When he started squirming form side to side, Bokuto moved back up to his ribs, and the cycle continued like this until tears began to form in his eyes.

“Stahahahaa- ahahaha! Naha- pleahehehaha! I-hhahaha!”

“You really gotta learn to relax, man. You’re aimn’ for the national team, yeah? You keep freakn’ out about what people think of you as a player, and you’re gonna hit a wall real fast. Don’t waste your energy comparing yourself to other athletes and just kick some ass,” said Bokuto over his victim’s loud laughter.

“Yeah, bud, just forget about all the critical jerks out there and just do you,” said Kuroo calmly from above him. If it weren’t for the incessant tickling Bokuto was putting him through, their words would be calming and even encouraging to Oikawa’s stressed, stubborn mind. But the fact of the matter was, he was being tickled to near death right now and it only got worse when he suddenly became aware that Kuroo was adjusting so he could hold both his hands in one of his, freeing up his right hand to torture him as well.

“NAHAhohoho! Kuhuroo- pleahaha!” Kuroo had begun walking his fingers from his inner forearm, down to his inner elbow, and to the underside of his bicep (which, apparently, was very ticklish). He spidered his fingers there for a moment longer than he had planned, reveling in the way it made the guy cackle and his nose scrunch.

“Did you find a sweet spot, Kuroo?” asked Bokuto, grinning happily. Oikawa wanted to crawl out of his skin.

“Seems like,” Kuroo chuckled. “Try his legs, Bo.” Bokuto’s happy grin turned wicked and he quickly shifted to sit backwards on Oikawa’s upper thighs so he could have better access to his thighs and knees, but still keeping them pinned to the floor. Still suffering from Kuroo’s mild attack, Oikawa’s panic rose a little when he felt Bokuto begin to slide his knee pad and brace down to his ankles. He put up a commendable effort trying to kick the big guy off, but big Bokuto was. 78.3kg was a lot of weight to throw under any circumstances, and Oikawa was already so weak from laughter. He was stuck. Doomed to continue suffering in this torment until his monsters chose to show him mercy.  

“Noho- ha! S-stop thahat! Bohokutohohooo! DON’T!”

With an eager glance back at Kuroo, the two shared a knowing look before both Kuroo and Bokuto went in for the real attack.

“GEYAHAHA! DAHAHA! NOOHOHO!” Gruff, broken cackles tore their way form Oikawa’s throat as Kuroo began scratching at his underarms, making his shoulders shift spastically, and Bokuto started squeezing at the meat of his thighs and his legs squirmed weakly, trying in vain to bring his knees up in some kind of defense.

“So, you think you’re relaxed enough to actually play with your head in the game, Bud? No more nailing people with your cannon serve? That really hurt ya’know. I can already feel it starting to swell up,” said Bokuto good-naturedly as he glanced behind himself at the writhing setter.

“AAAAHAHA! IHEhe I’M SOHORRYYYHEHEHE!”

“But are you gonna chill out and play cool, or are you gonna keep stressing about pointless stuff like comparing yourself to other players and what-ifs?” said Bokuto, shifting his attention to Oikawa’s knees. Kuroo glanced at him curiously. Did he miss something? This was the second time Bokuto had said something like that. But Oikawa hadn’t mentioned anything about that. He figured Bo was just looking for an excuse to justify his actions. Shrugging, Kuroo played along anyways.

“Yeah, man, that’s the deal-breaker. All baggage was supposed to be checked at the door. You can let loose here,” Kuroo added, never once stopping his own torture on Oikawa. Left underarm, right underarm, left, right, left, neck…

“Gehaha! Ahalrihihight, alrighihight, I-AAAAAAAA!!” Oikawa released a none-to-masculine scream into the air and all movement briefly stopped. Bokuto and Kuroo looked at each other in excited astonishment.

“Which one of us made’em do that?” Kuroo asked, grinning as Oikawa took the opportunity to greedily heave oxygen into his lungs. Bokuto shrugged with a shake of his head before he nodded to Kuroo to try his spot again.

Kuroo obliged eagerly, spidering his finger along his neck, jawline, and ears. Although this produced a startled, high-pitched string of giggles (a beautiful reaction), it was not the reaction they were looking for. Kuroo looked back up at Bokuto and shook his head as his partner in crime grinned, turning back to their victim’s legs.

Bokuto had chosen to target Oikawa’s inner knees with light spidering tickles when he screamed, so he returned there to torment him with the same touch. Another scream; not unlike a woman’s. The pair’s grins widened and Kuroo laughed.

“Bingo!” he cheered.

“Oikawa~ Did I find your weak spot?!~” Bokuto teased gleefully.

“Nohohooo! Guhuys, please! I-I’m sohorry, I’m sorry! Pleahese dooon’t!” he begged, giggling tiredly. Bokuto chuckled, giving Kuroo a mischievous glace.

“Thirty seconds?” he prompted. With a cheshire grin, Kuroo nodded.

Both attacked again; Bokuto at his weak spot and Kuroo switching between the undersides of his biceps and his neck. So that they could stay true to their word, they counted down loudly and obnoxiously, somehow making time move slower and the sensations shooting through his nerves ten times worse.

Oikawa wasn’t even technically laughing at this point. He was all screams trailed by high-pitched, obnoxious cackles and interjected by deep, sharp inhales only to let the sequence start all over again. The poor guy’s face was glowing red and wet with tears as he finally fell into silent laughter, occasionally interjected by a desperate, hiccupping gasp for air.

“ZEROOOOO!” Bokuto and Kuroo shouted in tandem and immediately withdrew their hands. As Oikawa attempted to restore his regular breathing pattern, the two climbed off him and backed off to give him some space. His labored breathing was speckled with hiccups and leftover giggles as he lazily slung his arms over his middle, his eyes closed in exhaustion. But in all his efforts to compose himself, he couldn’t wipe the giant, dopey grin off his still very red face.

“Is he dead yet?” Iwaizumi’s gruff voice asked from behind them as he and the other Seijoh forms returned, smirking at the flustered, spent state of their former captain. Kuroo and Bokuto laughed.

“Not quite, but close, I think,” said Bokuto, giving the heap on the floor a pat on his thigh and making him flinch. Everyone, including Oikawa, laughed.

“Hey, man, you alright?” Kuroo grinned fondly.

“Y-yes. Ihi’m good,” Oikawa panted.

“Dammit, I thought you had killed him. Oh well,” Matsun said dully.

“What’s that supposed to mean?!” shouted Oikawa, finally sitting up. The others chuckled.

“Hey, are we gonna finish this game, or what?” Makki asked.

“Yeah, yeah!” Bokuto responded excitedly. “Oikawa, you should get some more water before we start, though!”

“Sure,” he said as he stood and went to get his water bottle.

On his way to the fountain, Oikawa couldn’t help but recall Bokuto and Kuroo’s encouraging words to him. He noticed it had been Bokuto who brought it up first; his insecurities. But how did he know all that! He hadn’t said anything about his hope to join the national team, or how he had a bad habit of comparing himself to genius prodigy players, or the suffocating weight he felt when he considered what other people thought of him and his acquired skills! Iwaizumi was the only one who knew he wanted to represent Japan one day and he hadn’t told him that he’s been struggling with the other stuff again! There’s no way Bokuto could have read all his insecurities and aspirations in the short time they’ve played together! Or was there…

As he screwed the lid back on his bottle, he decided that, for now, he concluded that Bokuto Koutarou was the kind of guy who was just full of surprises.

[disappearinginq]

Jinx

For @blazeofobscurity, who helps more than she knows with plotting out things for Magnum-verse. I am a solid 99.9% positive this isn’t how first meetings went down between Rick and TC, but it’s totally my head canon and you can pry it from my cold, dead fingers (even if they cover it in the show). Oh, and @chrisii-the-random-whump-writer - this might count as whump, so I don’t know if you want to be tagged in this or not, but lemme know if you don’t, and I’ll fix it!

Three gunners in six months. That had to be a new kind of record.

“I think I have just the guy for you,” Greico said, a slow, Cheshire like smile forming. “Yeah. I know I got just the guy.”

“He good with guns?” TC asked. “And heights?”

Greico shrugged. “Who fucking knows? He’s a scout sniper. Lost his spotter to a case of nerves, or so he says. Personally, I think he’s the one who scared the guy shitless.”

TC raised an eyebrow. “And you’re gonna give him to me? It’s not even the same MOS.”

Greico waved his hand. “It’s the Sandbox. It’s like Kansas. Nobody cares about us here. But he’s the best shot I’ve seen in…shit, years. And he’s good under pressure. Last place he and his spotter were dropped was shy of the Korengal and nary a scratch on them.”

TC whistled appreciatively. The Korengal was a nightmare to fly. High mountains, trees obscuring the ground, radio interference, no place to pick up or set down and crawling with Taliban looking to take pot shots at low flying hueys with everything from rocks and slingshots to RPGs. Visibility was crap in the air. He didn’t want to imagine what it was like from the ground.

“Who is he?”

“Orville Wright,” Greico said, and TC accidentally inhaled his water instead of sipping, coughing and spluttering as he tried not to die.

“Are you fucking serious? That’s his name? His actual name? Not just some weird ass nickname I don’t even want to guess the origin for?” he wheezed in between breaths.

Greico edged another glass towards him, curling his lip slightly at the spit all over his desk. “God given, apparently.”

“Christ,” TC gasped. “No wonder he likes shooting people.”

“I didn’t say he liked it, I said he was good at it,” Greico amended, then looked thoughtful. “Though to be fair, he has been known to whistle on his way to work, so…who knows. He might be a psychopath. We don’t screen for that type of thing anymore.”

TC frowned. “Budgets?”

Greico snorted. “I wish. Nah, now it’s considered discriminatory to ask about someone’s mental health before we hand them a rifle and ask him to kill on behalf of Uncle Sam and the Sons of Liberty.”

“So your plan is to give me a sniper who may or may not be a serial killer in uniform who doesn’t even have the right MOS for the job? Is it because you hate me?”

Greico snorted into his coffee cup. “No, that’s because of budgets.”

TC sighed. Perfect. Just what he needed. Another ulcer.

“You want to meet him?”

“No.”

“Good,” Greico said, slapping his hand on the desk as he put his feet on the ground. “Come with me.”

*&**&*&

“Besides being a possible sociopath, anything else you can tell me about him?” TC asked, easily keeping stride with the senior officer as they made their way across base.

They were considered a combat zone, despite being on base, so fortunately no one saluted. It was one of the things TC hated about being an officer, but if it meant he got to fly, it was a small price to pay.

“You mean besides his parents clearly hated him?” the colonel asked, snorting. “Yeah. His enlistment papers are bogus. But he’s good enough at his job no one cared enough to look into them. No drug history, so that’s a solid. A little temperamental.”

TC pulled up short. “Hold up. How ‘temperamental’ are we talking here? I ain’t flying with a moody itchy trigger finger.”

Greico didn’t even break stride, forcing TC to jog a few steps to catch up. “Nothing too extreme. Can’t be too twitchy if you’re gonna hit a target at 2000 meters.”

TC blinked. “2000 meters? Was that a freak shot, or what?” That was over a mile.

“Don’t know. Kid’s been in closer quarters ever since, but I betcha if money was on the line, he could make it at 2100. Or further.”

Well, shit. No wonder the Marines didn’t go poking to heavily at his history. The longest sniper shot on record currently was just shy of 2500 meters, a little over a mile and a half.

“He’s not a bad kid,” Greico said. “Got a hell of a chip on his shoulder for reasons unknown. The ladies seem to like him well enough. Hasn’t stabbed anybody, on purpose or otherwise, so that’s a plus. Got an attitude problem though. Thinks he’s the toughest guy around, and so far, he’s been right. Naturally, it’s caused a little…friction with some of the other men.”

“Wow, sir. Way to upsell this kid. Sounds like I’ve struck gold.”

Greico snorted at that. “Ha! Like you’re one to talk. You’ve lost three gunners, Major. And no, it doesn’t matter that only one of them died it was just a lucky shot by some haji with a rifle. No one wants to ride an unlucky bird.”

They were getting towards the enlisted quarters now, which were just row upon row of numbered Quonset huts. The air conditioning units by the doors shook and rattled and sounded like they were on their last breath – which they probably were.

“Here we are,” Greico announced proudly. “Lucky number 13, Major. Looks like it’s fate.”

TC fought the urge to roll his eyes as he followed the colonel through the door.

&^&&^

It sounded like Fight Club.

It looked like Fight Club.

Over a dozen enlisted in various stages of dress – some in their full BDU’s, some still in their tees and boxers, and everything in between gathered around the far end of the Quonset, shouting at the top of their lungs. They stood on tip toes and braced against their friends’ shoulders to see over heads, stood on top of bunks and whatever available piece of furniture there was to see whatever the hell was in the middle of the circle they’d formed.

“What the hell is this?” TC shouted to be heard over the cheering.

There was a crash, and a roar erupted from the crowd. TC could just see someone being lifted and slammed like a linebacker onto something that broke with a crunch.

Greico offered a shrug and tapped the shoulder of the closest Marine. “Hey, who’s winning?”

The younger Marine whipped around, clearly about to rip the colonel a new one for interrupting when his eyes caught the eagle on Greico’s collar.

“Officer on deck!” he shouted, elbowing his buddy hard in the ribs as he jumped back a step to the foot of a cot, snapping to attention. As Marines noticed what was going on, and who was suddenly in their midst, they scrambled for their position in front of any rack available.  

As they jumped to either side clearing a path, TC could finally see what they’d been cheering on. Two Marines, still oblivious along with the edge of the circle who were only now realizing what was happening, were in the middle of a fight.

Both of them looked like they were giving as good as they got – the one still standing was tall, broad shouldered and the poster child for the term jarhead: tattoos up and down both arms that were as big around as TC’s neck, boot camp styled high and tight haircut and wearing his BDU’s. His nose looked soundly broken, or at the very least, sufficiently bloodied, one eye darkening with an impressive shiner.  

The one on the ground was only slightly smaller and a lot younger, built less like a brick shithouse and more athletic and considerably shorter, dirty blonde hair just shy of being too long to be in regs and the beginnings of an unauthorized five o’clock shadow darkening his jaw – though that might be more bruise than beard. He only had his BDU pants on, though they were comparably faded from what they should be. Like other guy, one eye was starting to swell shut and his teeth were stained red from a sliced inner cheek and he was lying amongst the wreckage of what was presumably once a table he’d just been slammed into by the Hulk towering over him.

Neither one seemed to notice the officers, until one of their buddies shouted, this time much louder without the added jeering of the crowd to cover it, “Officer on Deck!”

The tall brute of a Marine snapped to, hands obediently and expertly snapping to his sides as his heels audibly clacked together.

The one on the ground stayed there, breathing hard and not impressed enough by a colonel and a major to pick himself up off the ground.

“I present to you sergeant Orville Wright, Major,” Greico said proudly, stepping to one side as he gave a Vanna White impression. “Your new door gunner.”

TC eyed the muscle bound Marine dubiously. He looked like a serial killer. Or a flunkie bad guy from a Rocky sequel. He would be surprised if the man could even fit in a ghillie suit, but Greico seemed impressed enough with him, so TC figured he at least owed the guy a shot.

“Nice to meet you,” TC said, about to extend his hand in greeting.

The Marine on the ground took that exact moment to rear his knee back and slam his foot into the other guy’s groin.

The jarhead made a noise that wasn’t quite a scream, and not quite a squeak as he curled in on himself, doubling over and collapsing to the deck in the fetal position as he turned a violent shade of red and purple as every other man in the room hissed and winced in sympathy as one entity.

“Nice to meet you too, Major,” the kid on the floor huffed. He turned his head to the side and spat out a wad of red before turning back to TC, looking at him upside down from the ground as he held out his hand, knuckles torn and bruised. “You can call me Rick.”