#me: i am nobody if not my complete lack of chill

[chekovs-merkin]

people telling Sabine Wren she needs to:

be less aggressive/emotional

be able to let go

be calmer

and her absolutely refusing to do so is the reason why i relate to her so much and she’s my favourite star wars character

[dwaekkicidal]

𝖪𝗂𝗇𝗄𝗍𝗈𝖻𝖾𝗋: '𝖱𝗂𝗀𝗁𝗍 𝖶𝗁𝖾𝗋𝖾 𝖨 𝖶𝖺𝗇𝗍 𝖸𝗈𝗎.' ༄࿔ L.K.

⤷ Dubcon/Noncon | Knife Play | Spanking

♱ word count: 2.3k

♱ warnings: this has darker content!! dont like? dont interact: dubcon/noncon, fem!reader, ghostface!minho, reader switches up during the ending but during the smut minho has control, knife play (1 small nick and he carves his name into readers back but its shallow), light mentions of blood, spanking, p in v with no prep or condom (be safe about this irl pls), open ending?

♱ notes: this was so self indulgent because im slowly becoming obsessed with slashers again 🥴

not properly proofread! i will go through it later in the day after i sleep <3

Kinktober Schedule

DO NOT republish or translate+post my work!

The cabin you were staying at was eerily silent as you sat in the dimly lit living room. It was a rental that you had planned to stay at for a week to spend your vacation off of work and it was absolutely beautiful during the day. Though, the forest surrounding it combined with the knowledge of just how far the nearest area with people made for a rather scary experience during the night time.

Part of you was on edge as you made your way past the floor-to-ceiling windows towards the kitchen and chills ran up your spine as you stared out those same windows only to be met with complete darkness. Not even the moon was enough to cast light on the tall trees.

‘Maybe a glass of water will help.’ You had been tossing and turning in bed for hours before you gave up and settled in the living room, only to discover that there was no signal on the TV. You were lucky to have even 1 bar as you opened your phone to check the time; 2:46 AM.

It wasn’t a horrible time to be awake, but the promise of sleep would have helped with the paranoid itching in the back of your head. Anybody could break in and nobody wouldn’t know until it was too late. And even if you knew, you were a long way from any means of help-

A sudden creak in the floorboards catches your attention. Your neck snapped towards the dark hallway, then again to the huge windows as your heart raced. The Airbnb host stated that it’s an old house so it’s known to make many noises, so ‘It was probably nothing’. You repeated this to yourself over and over again as you chugged the rest of your water and turned to clean the glass, hoping the distraction would help with the anxiety.

But just as your hand wraps around the tap handle, another creak is heard and a hand wraps around your mouth. Another slides around your front and pushes a long kitchen knife against your neck. The intruder uses his whole body to roughly push you into the counter and your heart drops as you let out a scream in surprise.

The feeling of the cold counter is almost soothing as his deep, nearly robotic, voice meets your ears. “Haven’t seen you around here before… If I take my hand off your mouth, you won’t make me angry and scream for help, right?” He slides the knife along your neck, nicking the skin there slightly as a warning.

Your lack of a response makes him chuckle and he traces the tip of the knife along your cheek, “It’s not like anybody will hear you anyway, but I wouldn’t want this pretty face to get hurt. So what do you say?” You nod as best as you can in this position and let out a quiet sob when his palm releases your face.

“P-Please…Don’t kill me.” Your plea comes out in a quiet whisper, hoping the hushed voice won’t upset your attacker. If it does, he doesn’t let it be seen in the slightest.

“Shhhhh” He tuts at you and rolls his hips forward, rubbing his hard-on against your ass and forcing your hips farther into the countertop. The pinching of your skin between your bone and the marble top makes you hiss in pain, but he ignores you and rubs your hip with his now free hand.

“Let’s play a game~” He doesn’t give you time to respond before he flips you around, wrapping a hand around your neck as he roughly pins you to the counter again.

You’re finally met with his face- or what would be his face, but is instead a long, white ghost mask that would be comical if you didn’t notice the feeling of a drop of blood running down your neck from where he nicked you.

“I’m a little stressed out, so I’m gonna fuck this sweet cunt of yours. If you play nice, I’ll let you live. But if you act like a bitch, I'll kill you!”

The joyful tone in his voice causes your skin to crawl and you let out a quiet sob of fear at the deadly ultimatum. Your choices are quite slim, and you can’t deny the ache that’s starting between your legs, so you don’t take long to nod in agreement.

“Mmmm… Smart girl. Let’s get this off of you then, yeah?” He tugs at your pajama shorts and finally moves the knife off your skin, giving you just enough leeway to move around and pull your shorts down. Once they’re far enough down your legs to drop to your ankles on their own, the unknown man behind you spins you around and immediately pulls your shirt up and over your head.

He sighs almost dreamily against the mask and you watch his head tilt down as he takes in your naked torso. You can feel his stare on you for a while longer until his head tilts further and he’s met with the sight of your pretty panties- the ones that are keeping him from his “prize.”

He curses under his breath and snakes his empty hand to the back of your neck. He grasps you tightly and uses his grip there to lead you to the huge windows, pushing you against them roughly.

“What a pretty piece of ass you got here, baby.” The hand on your neck moves down in favor of grabbing a handful of your ass cheek, landing a teasing slap there as he finishes his sentences. “Might have to go home with you- make you my little pet.” You moan both at the implication of him following you home as well as the delicious sting on your ass.

The masked man chuckles darkly and lands a harsher slap on your other ass cheek. “Call me crazy but I think you like that idea. Hmmmm? Wanna be my little kitty- my little toy for me to fuck whenever I feel like it?” You were starting to get too comfortable, and he seems to realize it. So he brings you back right to where he wants you by sliding his free hand around to your tummy. 

The occupied hand runs the sharp side of the knife around your back, leaving shallow lines that you can’t quite make out. But none of that matters. Not when he’s sliding his hand into your panties, rubbing his gloved fingertip through your soaked folds.

You’re almost thankful that he can’t tell through the gloves, but the stinging pain of the knife almost carving into your skin is diverting your attention from the rough circles on your clit. Thankfully, though, he finishes his “design” faster than you thought he would.

The feeling of a thick finger entering you grabs your attention, making you moan loudly and buck your hips against his hand. A muffled laugh is heard through the mask and his voice is husky as he speaks again, “Gonna be good for me and let me fuck this pretty pussy now, yeah?”

You don't respond right away and he pulls his finger out of you, pinching your clit meanly. “I asked you a question.” His partially wet glove comes down harshly on your ass and leaves a red mark in its wake.

You let out a squeak at the pain and apologize profusely before responding to him. “Y-Yes!”

“Good girl. You almost lost the game there, baby.” He laughs to himself and you watch in the reflection of the glass as he brings the knife down between your thighs. Part of you is horrified at what he might try, and the other part is rather aroused at the possibilities that run through your head.

But he shuts them all down when he slides the dull side against your thigh and leads it to your underwear. He runs his hand along your spine and leans you forward, pushing your ass out for him as the knife dips into your underwear- dull side up.

With this he slices downwards in one swoop, slicing your panties and causing you to gasp in surprise. You can almost hear the smile on his face as he shushes you and slices one of the sides next.

Your arms shake as they rest against the cold glass of the window and you sit there helplessly as he rids you of the ruined fabric. Once you’re left completely bare, he whistles in satisfaction and leans back.

His hand squeezes your ass cheek appreciatively as the hand with the knife rests at your hip, itching to touch you as well but knowing better than to let his guard down so easily. No matter how well-behaved you've been for him so far.

“Such a pretty thing. I really should keep you to myself.” He hums and bites down on your ear. You hear the knife get tossed beside you onto the wood floor before one of his hands slides into your hair, tangling with the strands there and tugging your neck backward. 

All of a sudden the sound of metal hitting wood meets your ears and you see the knife lying on the floor, a couple of feet from where you two stand. Then his hands are removed from you for mere seconds as he hooks his thumbs into his pants and pushes down, hurriedly shoving his boxers down alongside his jeans.

The sound of his jeans hitting the floor makes your thighs clench and he takes notice immediately. He coos from behind you and you can almost hear the smile on his face through the mask as he slides himself through your folds a few times, teasing you and testing how far gone he’s got you.

Your desperate grinding gives him the only answer he needs and he finally pushes in, groaning at the feeling of your tight cunt wrapped around him.

“Shit… You feel so good.” The cool plastic of the ghost mask meets your shoulder as he lays his forehead down against it.

You can’t hold back the whine that builds in the back of your throat and your nails scratch into the glass as much as they physically can as he starts to move already.

“P-Please…” You’re not so sure what you’re asking for. Maybe it was mercy. Or maybe, just maybe, all those months of research about some local town's serial killer were finally paying off.

But who needs to know that? The man behind you is completely oblivious as he pulls his hips back just to drive them back into you. You barely remember it yourself from the way his tip, thick and pulsing, rams into your G-spot.

So much so that you can feel your orgasm sneaking up so much sooner than it usually would. It eventually wracks through your body like a train as the hand in your hair tightens, holding you close to him as he slows his hips to a slow grind.

“Fffuck.. Tight little cunt, baby. But I’m not done just yet.” He picks up his pace once more and uses his free hand to caress your hips, squeezing the flesh there appreciatively before landing a slap against the same area.

He soothes it with another rub, though short-lived before his hand finds its home on your ass cheek. There he lands a series of slaps paired with his muffled moans as you clench around him incessantly.

The hand in your hair finally releases its grip only to find another on the back of your throat again. He uses this one to hold you in place, keeping your cheek pressed flush against the window as he fucks into you with no care.

He continues to use you like his personal fleshlight as he grunts behind you, legs shaking from his oncoming release. The same release that is left deep in your walls, swimming around before dripping out onto your abused folds.

You both moan in unison as you cum around him again, whining at the sharp thrusts that were meant to fuck his seed further into you.

He finally pulls out once your cunt is done milking him and he pulls out a phone from his jeans, snapping a quick photo with flash on before laughing to himself behind his mask.

While he’s occupied with his delusions, you decide it’s time to make your move. 

You push his chest lightly and watch as he collapses onto the couch, head tilted up at you in amusement while his arms settle on the back cushions.

“Yeah?” His voice is deep and breathy, it goes straight between your thighs and you almost moan at simply hearing him like that as well as the confident stance he’s taken. But you have a mission on your mind.

One that includes rushing to pick up the knife from the floor and not giving him a chance to respond before you’re straddling his thick thighs and pressing the knife to his throat.

His arms stay in place on the cushions and he huffs out a laugh in pure amusement, waiting patiently for you to make your next move.

What he didn’t expect was the grinding of your now leaking cunt on his now hardening cock. He moans lowly at the feeling and goes to rest a hand on your hip, only to be met with your hand slapping it away and the other digging the knife into the skin of his neck. Karma.

“I won your game fair and square. So let’s play my game.” Your hand reaches up under the mask and tears it off his face. 

He’s not sure why a potential survivor seeing his face doesn’t worry him. But when his tip catches onto your clit and you hold the knife steady against his neck, he thinks he’s just fallen in love.

Taglists: (red=can't be tagged)

@valkyriexo @lunearta @jabmastersupriseee @rylea08

@yaorzu-blog @amararosesblog @jiminssluttyminx @clemissleepy

@miss-daisy04 @kittyxnoa @dwaekkiiracha @bubblerizz

@mariteez @fun-fanfics @honeyybbuubblleess

@dreamingaboutjisung @everythingboutkpop @velvetmoonlght

[amyrahrose]

Again

A sin.

It should be a sin how I moan shamelessly at the feel of his tongue licking and sucking on my clit. It should be a sin how I arch my back off of the bed and begin tugging on his jet black hair to sink his face further into me. I know it’s wrong, but God how I love the feel of this man between my legs.

Nobody can make me feel the way he does. 

From the chills that runs up my spine whenever he sucks my clit, then pampers it with a delicate kiss. Or the goosebumps that cascades across my skin when he looks up at me, eyes piercing into my soul as he devours me, drains me of my energy, giving me exactly what it is I need, and then some. 

“You still here with me baby?” He breathes out below me. I whine at the lost of his mouth on my pussy. 

“Yes.” Is what I want to say, but nothing came out. That’s nothing new though, I’m always at a lost of words whenever I’m laid out in-front of him like this. The only thing I’m capable of doing is nodding my head weakly as hump my pussy back into his face, wanting to feel connected to him again.

He only chuckles at my response and dives back in to eating me out. 

I sigh, content with the feel of his tongue back onto me. 

I’m enamored, obsessed. I never want this feeling to end, I never want to know what it’s like to not have him like this, between my legs, eating me out as if it’s his last mean.

“Just like that Toji, fuck right there baby. You’re eating this pussy so good.” I praise him. I gasp at the feeling of him sucking on my clit harder and humming his appreciation at my praise. 

Oh how I love this man. 

I try to hold on to this feeling just a little longer, but the band tightening in my stomach indicates just how close I am to the finish line. I whimper at the anticipation of my orgasm and also the dread of knowing it’s ending so soon.

“Relax baby, I’m not going nowhere, I promise to give you more.” Toji reassures me. I clench around his tongue, exhilarated at his declaration. 

He grips my inner thighs harder, pushing me down more into his face. Against my better judgement, I sneak a look down at him just to have my breath get hitched in my throat. 

The sight of this man, feverously eating me out, eyes half-lidded with a fire raging behind them, drawing me in, beckoning me to my finish. With a heavy breath I warn him of my orgasm nearing.

“Cum for me baby, cum on daddy’s tongue. Make a mess for me.” Toji’s deep voice orders. On cue, I’m arching completely off of the bed, disappearing into him. The slurping from Toji only ignites the fire in me more, dishing out all I have to give into him. 

“Good girl, good fucking girl. I’m so proud of you baby.” Toji praises as he scoops me into him arms, connecting us in a heated teeth-clashing, tongue wrestling make-out session. We both moan into the kiss, chest burning due to lack of oxygen. I force myself to pull away, resting my forehead against his.

We lock eyes, our souls intertwining into one another, with only sounds of our ragged breathing feeling the room. I give another quick kiss to his lips before I’m leaning into him, next to his ear.

“Again.” I breathe out.

Hope you guys like it. It's my first time writing, but I'm obsessed with JJK, especially Toji.

[prof-polarbear]

A wild Cubchoo appears!

Hello Hello!

I am Moose aka Modigo aka Vamoose aka- i could go for a while.

I run (counts on fingers) 4 active rotomblr blogs and 4 inactive ish ones and wow i have 9 blogs now. yikes!

This is mostly me copying Phyto (love you dude /p) for a space to rant about my characters in a visible place, and also answer peoples questions about that that they may not be able/comfortable asking in the character's askbox themselves!

Some of my favorite posts will probably get put in here, as well as some ooc art of characters!

Summary of characters under the cut!

Active Blogs!! @prof-polaris : My first ever rotomblr blog, and the one that this blog is jokingly named for! Polaris is 27, and the father of- how many kids now? So many. They are my beloved silly guy who trains service pokemon for others, and is doing their best to keep their family stable and alive. Polaris is generally very mild mannered and easy going, unless their family or friends are being threatened. Oh, and they're a mite bit haunted by their families past. Don't worry about that too much. Polaris' blog is also occasionally taken over by their cousin Violet, who just so happens to be a Zoroark. mostly chill but occasionally mid-high stakes due to their kids

@unovan-gardener : CD!! or Cultivar Deo, Boy, turned plant boy, turned leafeon boy, and my accidental punching bag! Whoops! CD is- near constantly going through it because of the traumatic events leading up to and through his hybridization as a leafeon, their father's C- parenting, and their inability to work through their feelings as they feel like nobody listens or cares! But also they love plants so much and love and care about their friends so much so when there isn't angst happening around them that they get dragged into generally they have a good time!! I promise!! Warning for occasionally body horror, there is a plant inside him keeping him alive <3 mostly mid-high stakes because of his friends whoops-

@naptime-noct : My darling narcoleptic guy, daze is. doing dazes best! daze is mostly active at night, and mostly just. talks to dazes boyfriend Casey @/bones-poison-and-pokemon and dazes (in my opinion) bff Ceti @/rising-normal-type-star. generally low states, except for occasional darker themes in reference to dazes parents and disability

@moose-from-animals : whaaaaaat whos this guy??? definitely not just- me but pokemon lmaaaooooo oops all low stakes except when i am going through it irl because we are the same man Inactive/Barely Active Blogs

@csamhp : Chroma Sactuary and Museum of Hisuan Pokemon, run by Skie Tiergan!! Xe are doing their best. This is a sanctuary Polaris runs, but honestly i forget about it alot. shoot it an ask if you wanna know more about it tho!

@newgrowthspaest : Polaris' business blog. all their service pokemon training stuff is here

@chromacorporation : ooolldd chroma corp blog. completely retired. only go here if you want older polaris lore.

@cedar-scavenges: guy gets cursed. more at 7. every time he sleeps he wakes up in a new region (randomizer blog). the idea was cool but lack of interaction made me lose interest in sprout, and i kinda didnt really know where i wanted to go with him. might get rebooted someday if i get ideas.

[pipsqk-art]

Glendale learns of new beginnings and different endings.

The Edge

You sit wedged between the fallen tree and the grassy hillside, your hiding place, or it was supposed to be. As you settle down in an attempt to rest, the very first rays of dawn begin to peek over the hills in the distance. If the fighting hadn't exhausted you, all of the sobbing and mourning afterwards surely did. You allow sleep to take you for what little of the night remained.

You open your eyes and find yourself floating in an astral void. No, void isn't the right word. This endless space should be intimidating but it's not, you feel a strange comfort looking at all the stars that dot the sky. "What-" the visible breath you release catches you off guard. A warmth spreads through your body with every heartbeat, despite all the signs that your environment should chill you to the bone. You raise a hand to your left brow and gently, hesitantly, trace the wound. It doesn't hurt, in fact it feels like it has closed and scarred. You pull your hand back and inspect it, confirming the lack of blood. What if... You look around frantically for her, or at least a sign of her, but nobody is there.

"What is this...?" you whisper to the air.

You turn around, look up, and see a moon that wasn't there before. A blue and silver butterfly appears. It is right in front of you and miles away all at once. Its on the moon, now flying towards you but its already there. The wings flap once, twice, three times and reveal a beautiful elven woman. She towers over you. Her glowing white hair curls just past her chin and striking blue eyes peer into your soul. Or are they black? Her facial features seem to subtly shift into a more insectoid form occasionally, eyes become compound, eyebrows grow into antennae, pedipalps form around her mouth, but only for a moment and never all at once. Her ever-shifting features lead her to look different from moment to moment, but always always ethereal, almost difficult to look at. One of her two sets of arms raise from her sides and settle underneath you, gently cupping you in her hands. She gives you a soft smile that makes your heart flutter.

"Wha-...who are you?" you ask quietly, your voice still hoarse.

"I am known by many names: the Great Dreamer, Starsong, Lady Luck, the Moon Mother, Desna. You may choose whatever you feel is appropriate." Her voice is so everywhere that you almost forget to pay attention to her answer.

"Uh, o-okay, Moon Mother?" you pause for a moment and continue after she gives you a nod. "Why am I here? What is this?" you ask, trying and failing to hide the fear in your voice.

"You are here because you have done something remarkable." She smiles at you and begins tracing symbols in the air with her second pair of hands, seemingly to cast a spell.

You cross your arms over your torso and hug yourself tightly. So getting my sister killed is remarkable? you think to yourself. You sigh and look up to see the Moon Mother's eyes meeting yours for a brief moment before she returns her attention to the spell. Your cheeks flush slightly. You're beginning to think your thoughts are not entirely private in this place, whatever this place is.

With a final flourish her spell completes and you see an illusion of sorts appear in her palm. It resembles an opaque mirror rimmed with clouds, the mirror's surface ripples like a lake. "Here," her voice calls out, "let me show you." She lowers her hand so that it meets your eye level. You catch a glimpse of your pathetic, ragged state before the image shifts.

"One of the...domains, I guess you could say, under my care is fate." As she explains everything to you, images click across the mirror like a slideshow. She mentions fate and you see hundreds, thousands of red strings held aloft by an unseen force. Crossing and weaving and intertwining.

She continues, "I can see every beginning and every end." The image focuses on a single thread and you see it snap suddenly. A shadowy figure above the thread grasps at their chest, falls to one knee, and finally collapses on the ground.

The image clicks. "Now, no one's fate is written in stone, but the threads are not so easily swayed." You see two small figures near a fallen tree on a hillside laying on the ground, unmoving. The thread underneath tenses and snaps, your stomach drops as you watch the ends unfurl and begin to fray. You clasp your hands over your mouth as you realize what she's showing you. "This was to be yours," she says the next part gently, "both of you."

You can't stop the tears from falling, you look to her desperately. "I don't understand." you whisper.

"You did something no one expected." You look back to the mirror and watch yourself step away from the tree.

"You chose to fight." You watch yourself grab a fallen branch.

"You chose to be brave." You watch your trembling form stand protectively in front of the tree, in front of the small soul inside.

"You, Glendale Surefoot, changed your fate." As the branch smacks into the beast in front of you, you see the formerly frayed thread begin to stitch itself together. A shorter thread, shimmering with divine light, ties itself into a knot around the broken end, and begins its new path. "This part here," she gestures to the knot, "is what got my attention. I knew that such a brave and strong soul needed to be protected, so I stepped in, so to speak." You see a blue and white light, the same colors as the Moon Mother's wings, radiate out from within you and the pieces begin to fall into place.

"...You saved me." you mutter quietly, unable to tear your eyes away from the scene.

"You saved yourself."

"What about-" you whip around to face her again, "What about Vonearen?" You ask, almost angry, fists clenched at your sides. Her name burns as it leaves your throat.

The Moon Mother gives you a mournful look and releases a heavy sigh, snuffing out the illusion to rest her hand against her chest. "Regretfully, by the time I was informed of your situation...she had already passed." Your heart breaks all over again, not even a goddess could save her. "I am sorry, Glendale."

Hearing your name jogs loose a memory that you'd rather not re-live. Glenn, take care of your sister. In this place where your thoughts are enhanced and on display, the command seems to echo around you. Take care of your sister. Bouncing off walls that don't exist. You clap your hands over your ears like it will help. Glenn. "Stop it." Take care of her. "Stop!" And it does, but you don't. "I get it, okay?! I can't do anything right. I couldn't do the one thing I was asked to do." Your voice cracks, the tears begin to flow as quickly as your words. You start pacing back and forth. "I couldn't protect her. Even when I tried to be brave I didn't help anyone but myself. And I didn't even do a good job at that! I got myself hurt and lost half of my vision. What good is a second chance if I won't do anything with it?!" Your throat is starting to hurt.

You can't hold yourself up any longer and fall to your knees. "I can't...I don't understand." Your voice is barely above a whisper now. "I don't want this..." I wish I'd just... the thought doesn't quite complete, but you feel the meaning gets across.

You sit there sobbing for what feels like an eternity, then you feel a warm hand on your shoulder.

"I feel your grief, and I wish I could take this pain from you. But please understand that your life has meaning. You are alive for a reason." She speaks and enunciates each word carefully, determined to make you understand.

You finally look up at the Moon Mother to see her in a different form. She was much smaller, now only a few feet taller than you and far more elven in her features. Even crouched down to comfort you she looks ethereal. The lump in your throat and ragged breaths leave you unable to speak. You sit back on your heels to look at her more purposefully and think to yourself, What is it?

She smiles softly and waves her hand in front of you. That same divine thread emerges from your chest and stretches off into the distance. "This thread is very new, it's still finding it's way. I can't quite see where it ends yet, but" she pauses and extends a hand towards you, "won't it be exciting to find out?"

Somewhere in the back of your head you are hysterical over the absurd reality of your situation and wisely decide to deal with those feelings later. For now, you take her hand and get back on your feet. You wipe away what tears remain with the heel of your palm and cross your arms over your chest again. "So what now?"

She grins warmly and returns to her full height. "That is entirely up to you. If you'd like to learn more, follow the main road north and meet my priestess, Chishandri, at the third crossroads. They can help you from there." She waves her hand again and you suddenly feel a pendant around your neck. It's a smooth piece of wood carved into the shape of a butterfly with striking celestial details on the wings. You look back up and she continues. "Or you could wake and forget this ever happened. You never have to speak to me again, if you so wish." She, to your surprise, sounds genuine. "I won't force you to do anything. So, regardless of your choice" the floor disappears beneath you, you're floating again. Your surroundings begin to fade and the Moon Mother shifts back to her true form. "it was wonderful to meet you." She vanishes before you can reply and everything goes white.

----------

You wake to the morning sun peeking through the cracks of your little hideaway. You stretch and wince at the soreness in your body caused by your odd sleeping position. Except, you're not sore. What...oh. You gasp as the evenings events come flooding back, the good and the bad. You swallow hard to push the tears down and raise your hand to the wound over your eye. Sure enough, it is still closed and scarred from brow to cheek. So that really happened...

You stand and exit the tree, trying to process everything that happened. As you do you feel the pendant swing across your chest, it's strangely comforting.

You take a moment to look at your surroundings, trying to commit it to memory. The trees that lead deeper into the forest. The town that was your home at the top of the hill, its citizens already bustling in the early hours, there's sure to be a lot of rebuilding to do. The fallen tree against the hillside, and the small mound of dirt a few yards away. Several rocks have been stacked at the top as a sort of marker. Tears prick at your eyes and you reach up to hold the pendant, a practice that will become a comforting habit for you in the coming years. You take a deep breath, and make your way north.

----------

~~~~~~~~~~

thanks for reading about my silly cleric TvT I love her a lot and would be more than happy to answer any questions y'all have about them.

i have a companion art piece in the works so look forward to that!

okay bye :]

pings as requested: @pizzaperplexed @glitchpunkz

[mcl-mia]

//another day, another route completed! this time we have nox, and amazingly, i don't think i have too many thoughts on this one, mostly because a lot of them cover... multiple bases. i'll try to explain that the best i can. blah blah blah, beware of spoilers.

okay, so i actually briefly started nox's route when it was first released, but i had to abandon it because... well, it was a bad idea to do that when i was so behind on routes in the first place, so it's not like i was going in 100% blind. this did not lead to a detrimental experience lol.

so.... nox. look. he's hot. i like his stupid little mullet and his very charming blue eyes, okay? he's hot and i'm not going to pretend that he isn't. it is still annoying to me though that you can REAAAAAALLLY tell that he was drawn by a different sprite artist. one of the best parts of the night class is that they ARE drawn by the same person, so it makes the cast look AND feel cohesive. not the biggest complaint, but it DOES bother me very slightly every time i look at nox when he's on screen with another character.

i've expressed this before, but nox's outfit as "nightmare" is... not great and knowing that it is COCO'S fault? absolutely hilarious. nox, i'm begging you to never take fashion advice from a cat again. i can fix you.

coming off that note, i know that there was budgeting issues for WH at this point in time (i believe nox's route came out around the time obey me got released, so... yikes), but i REALLY wished that they would have given nox a different pose or SOMETHING to hide that it was nox a little better. something like how the day class boys have different sprites for when they are holding their wands. i know that they basically stopped doing this after the night class boys (unless your name is alfonse), but.... sigh. come to think of it, i don't think even klaus had his front-facing sprites re-touched with the new ministry clothes. can't believe i didn't realize that until now.

i do also appreciate that they make sure to mention that nox's voice DOES change while he's in costume. i was wondering about that for the longest time lol.

speaking of chocolate cake, i am very glad that coco was a very minor character. coco is so one-note, which is disappointing because i think coco has a fantastic design. weird how that works out.

overall, the route itself is... fine. it's very day class-core, in which liz and nox get together very quickly. i mean, they TECHNICALLY get together only in the final chapters, but the quickness of both nox and rex falling in love with liz... goodness. y'all have known each other for like, 5 days. chill.

okay, i can't NOT talk about the love triangle. look, i'll be honest, it's so hard to sell a love triangle in an otome game. like, narratively, liz by the point in time rex's route begins, doesn't even reciprocate rex's feelings. it's funny to me in the moment knowing this, but it is a little annoying in practice. imo, if your love triangle is unable to become a reasonable threesome then don't write a love triangle. imo, nox and rex lack that kind of chemistry, so it's not the Good Shit. not to say that i don't think nox and rex shouldn't be hate-fucking each other (because they should, we love rivals to lovers here), it's just that they don't know how to fucking share and it would be way too distracting and nothing would happen. do you understand what i mean by this. i can't wait to get to gray's route so i can see liz turn the both of them down.

i will never tire of lucious being such a good friend.

genuinely, this puts a smile on my face. like, all of the night class boys do, but lucious being the first person to notice when liz falls in love is so important to me (ESPECIALLY BECAUSE AMELIA!!! IS STILL!!!!! BARELY HERE!!!!!!!!!). i love that liz has another person to talk about boys with. it's so delightful.

i do appreciate that nox has a good reason for being the phantom thief, but... come on, man. you're REALLY telling me that NOBODY is going to figure out that you're nightmare? let's just compile the evidence for a sec:

works in a magical tool shop (strike 1)

said magical tool shop SPECIALIZES in roger nigel's tools, which nox is an expert on. like, at some point you have to wonder where they're getting their stock, even if nox keeps the important ones hidden.

while nox does use his mother's maiden name, i'm pretty sure that anyone that looks into roger nigel in ANY capacity is going to figure out who roger's wife was. i would not be surprised if rex, who is literally a reference dept. worker, would have access to this info. this would expose his relationship to roger immediately.

the way nox does his calling cards for the cast is dangerous. rex picks up on the fact that nightmare had "convenient timing, like he was listening in on their conversations" (which... lol, he was). there is a point where he literally sends one while in the SAME ROOM as everyone else (especially rex, who 100% has him figured out). ballsy, but unnecessarily risky. i'll give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he doesn't do this with all of his calling cards.

if liz can look into nightmare's eyes and be able to tell it's nox, i'm sure the other people who spent many years with him would be able to do do the same.

like, come on man. be a better phantom thief LMAO.

actually, i want to talk about rex for a second. because i will admit, i don't find him nearly as attractive or interesting as nox, but i have to respect the HUGE big dick energy play he did in nox's happy ending.

LIKE. HOLY SHIT. ACTUALLY GREAT TWIST. i actually gasped lmao.

the 'our little brothers' comment does certainly solidify to me that rex already figured it out, though. i'm curious to see why he hasn't turned nox in yet... but i'm sure it has something to do with their rivalry. whatever it is, i think it's a selfish reason, since i doubt rex would know the real reason why nox is collecting the tools.

overall it's not a bad route, it's just not very remarkable. since there's no big bad threat looming over the narrative, there's less stakes. i get the feeling as though this mystery series (and possibly the next two, but i hear that clive's route has some particularly juicy dramatic bits so we'll see) is going to feel like a filler arc. not a bad thing by any means, it's very welcome, but just not as fulfilling as some of the other routes in the game. again, it's very day class-core, so it does evoke some nostalgic feelings in that way.

[teriwrites]

Behind Closed Doors: 'Something Else'

My Live Reactions to Reading Through My 2014 Novel

We're back at it with the incredible chapter titles

Opening into a dream of events we already witnessed in the last book, classic

(It's the execution scene, naturally)

Except, now, complete with a scene definitely inspired by the Oracle from Percy Jackson, a voice coming out of corpses to demand justice for Delroy's failure to save them

He wakes up terrified but it fades pretty quickly bc, alas, dreams

'Ever since his argument with the cook the day before, he'd been avoiding the man. It wasn't so much that he was angry, for the man's reasoning for showing him the fable had been justifiable. The problem he was having was with himself. He feared the reaction he had given when Santos had verbally attacked the Governor.' love that he's addressing his own dissonance

Apparently Eleri walks the halls in the middle of the night. Or else there's some other reason she's strolling along down the hallway at like 2AM

'Still, Delroy felt like there was something about this household still being kept from him.' i mean, you got into a verbal fight when Santos revealed his anti-government stance, so you can't really blame them

Ardeai uses our calendar, apparently. It's also 'mid-January', so roughly the same time of year as I'm reading this (update: I’ve really gotta catch up in these posts lmao)

Oh hey! Delroy's 26! He's finally caught up with me (yikes, dude, I'm supposed to be a grown ass adult rn)

Oooo wait I think I remember this scene

He's prowling around investigating the house while Cedric is out

I loved the word 'edifice' at this time in my life, apparently

Almost all of the doors are locked, naturally

'Finally, overcome with anger and frustration, Delroy came to the last door in the hallway and threw his fists against it, pounding over and over on the heavy wooden frame. But when he knocked on the door, someone knocked back. Delroy took a step back in surprise. Was he hearing things? He stepped forwards towards the door cautiously, and tapped his knuckles against it. Again, there was the sound of somebody knocking in reply. "Hello?" Delroy called out as quietly as he reasonably could to be heard. "Hello?" a voice responded. It was feminine, and high-pitched, though it lacked the familiar accent of the northerners in the country. Rather, there was a different, alien accent in the voice. "Who is this?" Delroy asked in a similar tone, glancing down the hallway to ensure that Santos and Eleri had not yet heard him. There was a shuffling come from inside the room, and Delroy pressed his ear against it to try and hear better. It sounded like muffled footsteps, as though they were walking on a carpet. "I am known as Lady Ghislaine of Doureka?" the voice responded. "Who has summoned me?" (YEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!)

'There was definitely beauty about the woman, but there was something intimidating as well. Perhaps it was how her intense eyes seemed to calculate Delroy's every move, or how she held herself in a confident position which suggested that she was prepared for anything. Or perhaps it was simply her height, how she was nearly equal with Delroy, though he was well-known for being tall.' yeeeeeeeees beautiful, intimidating queeeeeeeen

Maybe I should throw a shoutout to Delroy in LITL, even though none of this is 'canon' in her own story

She's definitely still got that 'upper crust' attitude that all the nobility share. Ghislaine might be a badass, but she's still a rich royal in this story, and it shows

Cedric volunteered Delroy to go as an escort with the Lady to dinner at the Prime Minister's house. Totally normal thing to ask a butler to do

Oh chill, he just has to show up and hang out while everybody else has meetings and eats an elaborate meal

I understand the whole 'Master Boyd' as a title but I really hate how Delroy genuinely thinks of him that way, like ick

Wooow they invited him to the join the meal, that's wild, this dude's nobody

Classic political discussion involving the greater worldbuilding, the dynamics between different nations. Delroy casually offers his educated input, literally stops the conversation in its tracks as everyone is like 'how tf does this random servant know about the history of our international relations with this random ass kingdom across the sea'

Cedric literally dragged him out of the room and demanded to know his history (which Delroy lied about, obviously)

And we end the chapter with Delroy swearing to Cedric not to reveal anything of himself to anybody else in the political sphere

Ending Thoughts:

Cute! That's pretty much my best summary for this chapter. Household staff keeping secrets, an appearance by the fan favorite (the fan being me, the favorite being the Lady herself), some more of my first real attempt to worldbuild. I'm back to having fun with this project again. There were points in Below's rewrite and The Fatal Choice that I found myself more resigned to continuing with this long adventure than I was actually excited to turn to the next chapter. But I started reading through this WIP yesterday, and I'm already anticipating passing halfway before the end of the day.

[dedalvs]

Pardon me, but is someone praising Jacob Anderson without letting me praise him first?!

Backing up. It's October 2009, and my Dothraki is chosen as the official version for HBO's Game of Thrones. Absolutely the job of a lifetime. Conlangers were never hired to create languages for big budget productions, and language was central to A Song of Ice and Fire. The fact that this was on HBO guaranteed that it was going to be huge, and now I was going to get to be on the set of a TV show, work with actors, go to Hollywood parties, and create a language that would be as popular as Klingon.

June 2011, only one of those four things had happened, and of all things, it was going to a Hollywood party—the season 1 premiere event for Game of Thrones. It was very cool! None of the cast attended, but it was cool! But as for the rest, the idea that I would ever actually talk to any of the actors or be on the actual set was, apparently, laughable. And as for Dothraki, it had a very loyal following of about 6 or 7 people, all of whom I came to know personally. Dothraki was discussed in the press, sure, but nobody was going to learn it; there were never going to be any Dothraki conventions. It wasn't the next Klingon.

June 2012, and by this point I'd gotten used to seeing my work on screen—and by that I mean I'd gotten used to seeing it performed…so-so. Every so often it was really good, but for the most part, I got used to hearing jumbled consonants, dropped syllables, missed words… I've always been a perfectionist, so this was difficult, but I didn't have much choice. I had absolutely no control over it. I never got to work with any of the actors, so all they had were my recordings, and a series of dialect coaches who had absolutely no idea what they were doing with my stuff. (And, as I would learn later, just because an actor nails 9 out of 10 takes doesn't mean the editor won't like the one take they screwed up. Sometimes that's the take that makes it to the screen.) Basically, if someone has an English line on a TV show that goes "It looks like the mechanism got screwed up somehow", and what they say is "It locks like a manism got scroot up someho", they're going to reshoot the scene until the actor says it right. If that happens with a conlang, no one will notice or care. This was now my life.

July 2012, I get the opportunity to create High Valyrian (yay!), and then a "dialect" of High Valyrian to be spoken in Slaver's Bay. Knowing the history from GRRM's books, I knew this "dialect" was actually a full daughter language with lexical/phonological material from an extinct language (Ghiscari) that I wasn't being asked to create, so I was going to have to create two languages at once, and at least have an idea for a third one—and, in fact, there was going to be a lot of dialogue in this new daughter language. Consequently my focus was split. I can honestly barely remember creating Astapori Valyrian, because I wanted to be sure that High Valyrian was right (I knew book fans didn't care about Dothraki, but did care about HV). Despite the lack of attention, I did realize that Astapori Valyrian had a cool sound and a great flow (it really does!). I wish I'd had more time to appreciate creating it as a daughter language (I wish High Valyrian had been as complete as Dothraki was at that point), but I was pleased with the result. I was curious to see how the actors would handle it.

April 21, 2013. I am absolutely over the moon. I'd just for the first time saw a scene that I loved in the books because, for once, I predicted what was going to happen (as a reader, I'm sitting here thinking, "How do you trade your entire army to someone and not wonder if they're going to use it on you after they get it?!"), and it actually plays better in the show than the books, and it all hinges on a language I created. I still get chills watching that scene: Episode 304, Daenerys revealing she speaks Valyrian. To this day that's still the best thing I've done. The same issues I mentioned above were present, as always (watching thinking, "Did she say mebatas instead of memēbātās…?"), but they're minor. The scene is outstanding. I realized that whatever was going to happen after this, I would always have this scene. That was a good night.

April 28, 2013. After last week's episode, I wasn't really waiting for anything. In episode 305 there's only one scene with any conlang work in it—nothing really major. Introducing Grey Worm, characterization, etc. Everything in this episode is about what's going on in Westeros. At this point I'd heard a fair amount of Astapori Valyrian in Slaver's Bay. It was good! Definitely good enough. Did the trick. The prosody wasn't quite what I did with it, but it was good. I was somewhat interested in this introduction in 305. Grey Worm only speaks Astapori Valyrian at this point, so this actor wouldn't have had had any other speaking lines, and aside from one short line and saying his name at the beginning, his next line is a huuuuuge speech, comparatively speaking. I was curious to see how he would do.

Critters and gentlefolk, that night I witnessed a miracle.

NEVER had I heard ANYONE speak one of my languages better than me until that night.

Every word, every syllable, EVERY SOUND OF EVERY CLAUSE Jacob "You Heard My Name" Anderson uttered was ABSOLUTELY FLAWLESS.

I was stunned. My mouth literally hung open—probably for the rest of the damn episode, at which point I went back and watched that scene—again, and again, and again.

And so you don't have to go searching, this is Grey Worm's line (not the first two short ones—the big one [note: j is [ʒ], except in Daenery's High Valyrian name, where it's [dʒ], dh is [ð], q is [q], r is [ɾ] and y is [y], in IPA]):

“Torgo Nudho” hokas bezy. Sa me broji beri. Ji broji ez bezo sene stas qimbroto. Kuny iles ji broji meles esko mazedhas derari va buzdar. Y Torgo Nudho sa ji broji ez bezy eji tovi Daenerys Jelmazmo ji teptas ji derve.

That was my translation of this English line:

“Grey Worm” gives this one pride. It is a lucky name. The name this one was born with was cursed. That was the name he had when he was taken as a slave. But Grey Worm is the name this one had the day Daenerys Stormborn set him free.

That is a LOOOOOOOOOONG ass line. And go watch that scene. There is nothing on the screen but his face. It's a closeup the entire time. Any slight deviation would be visible as well as audible. Take a look:

This...KING just casually dropped the greatest performance I have ever witnessed on screen at a time when I had already given up on ever seeing a truly great conlang performance on screen.

And then he proceeded to do it again and again and again and again and again for the rest of the entire show. I don't think it's a coincidence that the very last conlang line of Game of Thrones is his. They knew how much I loved him—I told them. I told anyone who would listen and twelve people who wouldn't, along with their next of kin. He didn't take my language and make it his own—no, no. He is graciously allowing me to claim that I created his native tongue—the one he's been speaking since birth. THAT'S how good he is.

So yeah, accent work? In English? I guess I'm not surprised he's pretty good at that. Something like that to this…adonis, this living, breathing Master Class™ in perfection is like yawning to an ordinary human. Jacob Anderson can walk into my house in the dead of night, take anything out of my refrigerator, and then leave the door to the fridge and the house open when he leaves. He has earned no less.

To sum up:

i know it's been said many times before but i will never get over how jacob anderson, a british man with a british accent, not only nailed a louisiana creole accent but also developed a studiously (almost eerily) generic accent that louis uses in the present AND showed the first accent bleeding into the second accent at key moments as a way of aurally externalizing his character's inner journey. what did god put in this man when she created him.

[possiblyhumanbeing]

I just need to vent for a bit, feel free to ignore this.

There’s someone who I’ve been friends with for almost 5 years. I felt like we immediately clicked and related and understood each other perfectly from the moment we met. Soon i started considering her one of my best friends and I kept considering her a best friend the entire time I knew her. Several months ago I told her a personal secret because the was the only one I trusted to understand but she definitely didn’t, she had her own warped idea about it even when I attempted to explain but she was chill about it and she didn’t really bring it up after that. Later I found out that she told one of my other friends (they later told me what she told them) about it without telling me first. That definitely hurt but I forgave her for it pretty easily. That was all several months ago and lately I was wondering why I’d been drifting apart from her. I was blaming myself for it a lot because I’m horrible at talking to people and keeping friends and I’ve always been scared that nobody actually cares about me and they’re all just putting up with me. I decided to ask one of my other friends and it was coincidentally the same one that my friend told the secret to. When I told them they told me something else that she had said when she told them the secret, what she said was essentially that she thinks we’re going to stop being friends and drift apart soon and she’s perfectly fine and happy with that.

So yeah, turns out my fears were true. People don’t care about me or my friendship anymore. Suddenly i’m terrified that everyone is going to leave me and I desperately want to beg them all to stay. If someone I’ve been friends with for almost 5 years can stop caring like it’s nothing then I have no chance. She meant so much to me, without her I would never have become who I am today.

It’s stupid how attached I get to people. You can say one nice thing to me and never speak to me again but I’ll think about you forever. I get so attached because I just need it so badly, I need contact, I need to care, I need to have someone to care about even if i only express it in my head when I imagine conversations with people who I stupidly imagine are just as attached to me as I am to them. I’m fucking pathetic. I’ve stopped initiating conversations because while I know I probably won’t be rejected it’ll shatter my heart to know that I’m getting attached to someone who barely cares.

I know. I know that there are people who really care. But even if they looked into my eyes and said it a thousand times I’m not sure I’ll ever believe that I’m cared about or that I deserve it, because I really don’t.

Im so fucking hopeless and lonely and pathetic and desperate and I’ve got a complete fucking lack of social skills and I’ve got nobody to save me from it since there’s no normal way of saying that I’ve become supper attached to someone and I want them to be honest about whether they care about me to or if they’re just talking to me out of pity. There’s no non-desperate way of saying that I feel starved of affection and I wish there was someone here to hold me and comfort me.

[bigskydreaming]

Spoilery thoughts on the Wheel of Time Season 2 premiere:

The casting remains the show's biggest strength. Nynaeve is still pitch perfect and my absolute fave. She is everything Book Nynaeve always had the potential to be if gently (forcibly) removed from Robert Jordan and his complete inability to write female characters. That scene where she drank the water just to get out of that lesson without technically losing ground......lmao this woman absolutely will cut off her nose to spite her face and say you're damn right I meant to do that, who needs a nose anyway?

Ishmael is also perfectly cast....I'm not familiar with his actor but he conveys the character's emblematic charismatic menace PERFECTLY. His scene gave me chills. Rosamund Pike continues to be great as Moiraine, what more is there to say about Lan other than Best Warder Is Best, I would kill people for Perrin as long as they were completely hypothetical people who don't count stop looking at me like that its a figure of speech you KNOW what I MEAN gosh, and Egwene's character isn't even close to getting to the real meat of her character arc but her actress has already displayed more than enough range to convince me she's going to nail it. Liandrin is perfectly awful, A+ depiction, and of the new characters, Verin is everything I hoped that character would be. Too early to say if I'm sold on this Sheriam though. Same with Elyas though he seems promising, and we only got a glimpse of Lanfear in the 'this season on Wheel of Time' preview, but what little we saw has me excited. (Lanfear is my ultimate fave baddy, I have such high hopes for her character though, you don't even know).

In terms of characters who don't have rave reviews from me, its mostly just a lack of content so far, leaving me undecided as of yet. I still don't know why they recast Mat before last season even ended up airing, and I liked the original actor for Mat quite a lot, but I THINK I'll be just as happy with this one. He didn't have much to do this episode so its hard to gauge, but he seems likable enough, and its not like Mat's currently in a position to be his usual devil-may-care self at this point in the story.

Honestly, Rand remains the weakest link in the show so far, to the point where even though he's nominally the most central character, the fact that he was barely in this episode didn't bother me even a little bit. I think it was a good choice, pacing wise - I'm just not sure what it suggests about the production's view of the character/actor that they were confident they could sideline THE 'main' character of the series for almost the entire first episode of a ten episode season and nobody would mind. And the fact that I didn't really miss him this episode has a lot to do with him easily being the least compelling of the cast in the first season.

That said.....over the course of the books, Rand's character undergoes the most dramatic evolution out of all the major characters, and we're still at a very early part of the narrative where he's just....at most mere hints of the character he ultimately becomes. His character hasn't yet been given a ton to do, relatively speaking.....like in terms of screentime, he's certainly been front and center, but as of right now he's SUPPOSED to be hesitant, mild-mannered, unsure of himself and all that....which is exactly what his actor is delivering. Its just.....not as interesting as what other characters are already undergoing, and especially when you have his book character arc to compare it to, knowing what kinds of things are coming for his character makes what we've seen so far feel a bit like treading water.

Which brings me to my next point, which is that I am pretty impressed with the show's pacing so far. In hindsight, the books start out pretty slow compared to how the story flows once it fully gets going, probably around the fifth book or so, IMO.....and those first books were still just as long as the later ones. So I do think the show's done a good job of condensing an enormously long narrative into something that can viably be told in ten seasons or so, & in such a way as to 'get to the good stuff plotwise' without actually cutting out too many of the early events necessary to build a foundation for the more complicated later storylines.

I do not envy the writers trying to figure out what to keep, what to streamline, what to alter and what to cut out entirely, so it is pretty impressive that as of this episode we very much FEEL like we're in familiar territory, like I recognize whereabouts in the narrative we're supposed to be, but most of the storylines' specific events have been so heavily altered as to make it feel unpredictable and I'm not sure what entirely to expect, in terms of how the show will get from where it is to certain major beats that I'm expecting to happen. Rand's storyline in particular has been pretty dramatically deviated from how the events after the Eye of the World stuff played out in the books....but he's still positioned to be right where he needs to be for all the Lanfear stuff. On the flip side of things, Mat's storyline technically doesn't have him too far removed in the show from where he was in the books at this point, but they've changed just enough that it FEELS completely different and has a much more ominous tone to it than the way that part of his storyline in the books felt like just kinda.....him sitting around until the Seanchan were in place and his storyline could really get going.

And speaking of Mat's storyline, ugh Liandrian is just the worst. I mean. She's supposed to be. So....good job, I guess.

Elayne and Aviendha should be showing up soon, and definitely impatient for that. Aviendha's a fave. I don't dislike Elayne by any means, but Elayne showing up soon also means that Elaida, Galad and Gawyn are all about to show up and I literally hate all three of them. Gawyn hasn't even appeared onscreen yet and I'm already ready for him to shut the fuck up. LMAO. He.....irritates me. Like Galad's full of himself and self-righteous as fuck but at least he KNOWS that and is like yeah, I get why other characters don't like me. Book Gawyn spends several volumes absolutely convinced he's in the right about certain key things he absolutely is NOT in the right about, and he never is actually made to own that or face it, once its made undeniably clear the narrative just kinda....moves on from anyone ever being in a position to point out hey dude, you just spent five books being an absolute dick about this thing that never even actually happened, maybe you should reflect on that. And like. Change. As a person.

Book Gawyn: Nah. Even though I wasn't right I didn't KNOW I wasn't right so I was basically right to do all the stuff that I now know was completely wrong.

Me: Ugh, shut the fuck up Gawyn.

Ohhhh just realized, Faile should be showing up soon too. I love Faile, so that is also something to look forward to. I'm STILL pissed about their totally unnecessary decision to introduce a whole extra helping of backstory trauma upon Perrin when like....nobody fucking asked, and Im very curious who's idea that was exactly and what their precise reasoning for it was, like what the fuck did they think it added to Perrin's arc that he needed, how does it benefit his storyline at all, you didn't need to fucking do that lmfaaaaao, but oh well. Course, its inevitable that its going to alter the shape of his storyline with Faile, particularly their earliest interactions, and I guess I'll wait and see if that's for the better or not, I just....don't see the point of those specific changes. Whatever. I'll die mad about it I guess. Its fine.

Other than all of the above, my biggest remaining thoughts are I want them to hurry up and clarify just which of the Forsaken made the cut and will be appearing in the show and which five got left on the editing floor. I hope they don't drag it out, they better at LEAST get named this season so we know who we're working with and don't have to wait a whole additional year to like, find out whether Sammael will be in the show or if he got scrapped for someone like Belial for some random reason.....mostly I just want to know if Demandred the Dull is going to be taking up one of the slots simply because the books like to pretend he's important even though he literally only appeared in one book and a chapter and there's nothing he does that can't be done just as well by far more developed characters like Aginor. Who unfortunately probably WON'T make the cut. Even though he's fantastically terrible. As a person. Not a character. He's the worst. But in that 'I can't wait to see him get murdered' kinda way. You get it.

Also I hope Asmodean's passive aggressive ass is in this season because the only thing better than Lanfear is Lanfear vs Asmodean: The Passive Aggressive Olympics.

[daysofourlivesrecaps]

Thursday, 25 May 2023

Once again we have half a dozen plots that fit perfectly together and one that has nothing to do with anything, so once again we'll get that one out of the way first.

Xander and Chloe are still living together and Xander still has super-regressive gender-based ideas of what their roles should be. He does offer her a job at the newspaper (where she can really put her skills as an opera singer to work, presumably), which she accepts.

This screencap is not entirely flattering to either of them, but you could always stream the show yourself if you really wanted to. (Or, as many characters on the show actually say, *Peacock and chill.* No, seriously.)

Back in Greece, everyone's packing up to head back to Salem so this can stop feeling like two entirely different shows. Harris, still trusted by absolutely no one because of the whole "brainwashed to murder a whole bunch of people" thing, comes to Sad Eyes Shawn with the news that Megan and Dimitri have secured their release from prison. So maybe they could, you know, move Bo (and Hope) someplace extremely off-camera since their guest spots clearly wrapped weeks ago and we don't want to give the audience Bo Brady Blue Balls.

But Shawn doesn't trust Harris because... see my previous. Then he remembers that *oh right, I shot my actual dad* and comes around.

We pick up where we left off yesterday with Megan taunting Kate and Roman at the pub.

And Megan drops a weird hint into a conversation when she calls Roman "Chris."

Having recently watched the Beyond Salem miniseries, we (Amanda, actually) realized that Chris is the name of some apparently unrelated incidental character who owned a gym and was played by the guy who plays Roman. We thought the casting thing was a little weird, but not extremely weird for this show. For instance, in this very mini-series, Kristen was played by the performer who played her in the 90s, not the one we see on the show every day. And that same performer also reprised two other characters she used to play. That's just how they roll inside this hourglass.

But now maybe there was a connection between Roman and Gym Manager Chris after all? I suppose we'll find out soon enough!

This is maybe not the most tantalizing plot morsel Days has ever delivered, but trust me: we have an embarrassment of riches ahead of us on that front.

Dimitri visits Chad, reminding him (and us, the audience) that Chad is his uncle and pretty much just spends 10 minutes of screen time making Chad deeply uncomfortable.

(Amanda was certain Dimitri was coming on to his uncle, but that's what an entire lack of boys kissing will do to a person, I guess.)

Regardless, it was really fun to watch, because Chad's sweet spot is genuinely *I am extremely out of my comfort zone right now.* (See also: Chad's appearance in the aforementioned Beyond Salem, where he ended up performing in a drag show as Belinda Chinashop. And then absolutely loving the entire experience.)

Kristen slinks around in her Catwoman outfit, assuring Marlena, and then Brady, that she's legitimately out of prison. She even brought the papers with her in case nobody believed her, which is a bizarre and completely Kristen thing to do. She also swears that she will not be kept apart from her daughter, but this is nothing we haven't seen before. The new part is the Catwoman suit. Which is still fantastic.

Then Megan returns home to Maniac Mansion (aka where the DiMeras live) and gives us possibly the greatest sequence I've seen on this show to date. (See my next post for that.)

[querenciaofmelancholy]

Nah

Imma let this out, let this rest forever here. Time to take out some feelings from my heart and dump it on Tumblr

So, to my fucking neighborhood-

Hi, Hi you gorgeous bastards who have me feeling so insecure every day and night and made me feel inferior cause why not (wtf am I doing lmao)

anyways yes, um to the girls, hey just fucking look in the mirror and try to think about wtf are you doing in your life. Life ain't about girling over boys, fighting hours over petty things, and being superior in every way. Sometimes just fucking go along the flow and be a fucking strong girl and rise up to the fucking boys UFCK YOU BASTARDS FOR BRINGING DOWN THE STANDARDS OF GIRLS IN THIS SOCIETY

Just stop being stuck up, and start making friends uk will last, and please start giving shit to people who care about you. you can't just leave years-long friendships for boys. and school and stuff. And just please stop being so inferior when it comes to boys. Just fuking show them you can rule the world too.

To the boys,

ah how much I wished I could fit in with you. Not because of romantic interests but this fucking girl is a fukcing boy in her heart and wants to do as much bakchodi as you guys do. You know how to play the best football, conquer the basketball ground you do everything nice and hey it's not your fault it's just, your superiority hurts me. Idk if it's a lack on our part or just the fucking way it is. You clearly have a much more fantastic friendship than I have ever had, and trust me I try to find girls who will be chill but idk what goes wrong.

I am fucking full of jealousy of you guys. just. fuck. ik your life ain't perfect and being good in the group barely makes up, but Jesus I am jealous and that's that.

And to everyone including myself,

I just wanted to fit in with you all. Somewhere along those "how to be cool in your neighborhood-

wear cool clothes

have a cool cycle

be cool with boys

be good in football

speak against bullies "

lists and those intense horrific moments of pure horror when i either stumbled into the bully leader of the girl's group and made her fucking hurt her knee and everyone blamed me, and the fact that i still remember her whispering to her sidekick's ears "don't let her win" to those moments when my crush passed me a football and it went through my legs 3 times and the entire playground stared at my stupidity, to that guy who ghosted me after one of the most amazing walks of my life, to those guys i have had crushes on but ik i would never ever get the confidence to talk to or send an Instagram request to but i really really really hoped we could be friends/two people in love?, to everyone whom i hate but i deeply wished would be my friend,

somewhere along the lines, that little wannabe girl has stopped trying to fit in.

Lonely walks by myself, to the extent that I go late at night to those creepy old parks where nobody of you hangs out and I try to make myself happy by feeling complete with myself, to the extent that I walk the same way so you all notice me going to my creepy old parks but be aware that i still exist, the fact that if you see me talking to myself on the road it's just another dumb way i think i can entertain myself,

and ik ik i am not perfect, ik some of you are way better than me, and ik i myself want to be superior in every situation, but just, we could have made this so much better. I feel like an outcast because hey maybe i was one, to begin with. But we could have been something much better and not the way we are. We were children with egos in the playground. That's not how it begins.

You are children with just pure love and hatred for each other you don't judge each other's outfits you don't do anything that makes the other feel like getting lost, you are just dumb dumb dumb kids playing in the ground, begging their moms and dads for just a few more minutes. You fight but then the next day arrives and you still go to each other's house to call out to each other, do katti abba, and solve it. Some fights last but hey that's fun.

We didn't begin on that. We just were lost in our own alter egos and i just wish we could begin again. The only times I will see you now is on my lonely evening walks that too maybe just a needy glance from the corner of my eye, or maybe on festivals chatting among yourselves forming the groups and divisions we always had.

i wish we grew up in a better way. and i wish i didn't curse myself for being uncool, for not being confident enough for being just everything for not fitting in with you guys.

My evening walks exist for you guys seeing me walk by.

And that's why I wrote this fucking long but meant to be since 7 years thing. I want to stop those evening walks if they are just for your sake. I want to grow up, and come back to my home during my college vacations and not think about how you are doing and whether I topped you all or I lost again. I just don't want to give a fuck who dates whom who fucks whom and if my crush likes me back.

I want to leave this part behind. So I am.

[beaversatemygrandma]

Finally off those damn meds. Turns out they were definitely doing something to me. I couldn't remember thursday. I reread this and now I understand something from today.

Turns out those steroids made me full blown manic. High energy, not thought choices, easily angered, and open to whatever just to search for stimulation. SO, all I got out of that three days was thankfully not having swollen tonsils and lymph nodes, and a series of days that's making me think about a lot.

Today, during my slow comedown off these steroids while at work, I noticed some awkwardness between me and the newest hired operator. He was still going out of his way to talk to me and such, but there was a certain thing about it. Just a come in, say something, skitter off with a certain level of anxiety that reminds me of the strange, before he was out of his shell nervousness when he first got hired. Anyways, yeah, because i literally barely remember thursday, I think i was absolutely hitting on him, not just thinking about it. He definitely picked up on it, and today was just kind of an awkward thing. Felt like "Don't want to not mess up a chill friendship, but also that shouldn't be happening." I have caught him literally just looking at me at times though. I really don't think it was an entirely disregarded thing. But either way, that happened.

But either way, thoughts that have been in my head otherwise. I have got to reevaluate my love life entirely. Yes, I am very dissatisfied with my bf. I want to break up and live solo again. Be single, do fun things. Fuck around a bit. He doesn't anger me, he just disappoints me and I'm no longer attracted to him, like at all. He's just there. I can tolerate him. Like a roommate that shares a bed and rarely cleans and gets whatever favors I ask of him done. Because he's the unemployed one. Who has time to do these things. But no. I want to leave, but i can't afford to. I don't want this anymore. Worth a shot, got back into the hometown. goal completed. He's not the one I tolerate enough to keep this going.

And then the other one. The other guy who I've been seeing. The last few days have just been reminders of literally everything wrong with him. Yes, he's good, he's sweet, treats me right. But my fucking god. That shit with his ex popping up again. (Apparently she's not a problem anymore. With no further explanation.) THEN today (after saying he'd be free), backs out saying he fucked up something badly, then goes to explain a whole thing about asking his sister to borrow money, something about a bill coming through, and how nobody trusts him because he's an addict and how he somehow didn't work today when he should've or something??? Like that made no sense. Just a shift from somebody who has been nothing but painfully honest with me, to me asking him to talk to me because there are things i want to talk to him about. Mostly just the thoughts I've had lately about this and my whole deal and wondering if I really have the lack of self respect for going for this literal criminal who probably doesn't deserve the kindness i give him. (He does, he hasn't given me a single reason not to trust him, but something about that manic state just wants to poke paranoid holes in damn near everything.) I don't believe that this is a situation where he's sliding back into the rabbithole that got him into trouble in the first place, because he's been doing very good for himself lately, but he definitely got into a situation where others will think this. So, I went through a whole thing of asking him to call and explain. He said he would once he got alone. Which is fair. That's a whole private conversation. It's just that it's 10 now, he said he would hours ago, and still hasn't. Just kind of faded out for the night. I want to figure that all out with him, make sure that something isn't going downhill. I also wanted to finally discuss what's been going through my head with his whole fantasy of our relationship that is actually feasible AS LONG AS it isn't the case of a whole downhill slide. Quite literally have told him that I would cut him off if it even happened once. But then again, with how busy he's been because he is putting himself back together actively, it's hard to get him alone to even have these conversations. It's just not a good time to have feelings for somebody that I shouldn't have caught feelings for in the first place. I mean, he did first, but something in me definitely thinks that it was just the right kind of kindness at the right time that got that going. Just somebody who hasn't had that in a long time. Which honestly isn't a good thing in the long run. But at least that positivity got him started on some good things for himself.

I really wish i were single right now so i could deal with this shit on my own. Figure out whatever the fuck i got started here and stop DOING THESE THINGS because I'm dissatisfied and looking for stimulation.

...I need to have that talk with that guy. I feel like it'll make me feel a bit better about whatever the hell the last few days have been. Poor timing of events I think. But still. Why is this one the person of comfort when i damn well know that all of my choices are sketchy ones in this situation? Why is he my person of comfort? Then why do i want this person of comfort so damn bad when i literally can't get a hold of him?

While coming down from those meds and driving home, i literally felt like i was going to cry because he said he wouldn't be free. That's what started my whole damn thing. Those things messed me up bad and i honestly feel bad about how manic i was the last three days. I never want to get prescribed that shit again.

Yapping about this week. It's been a week. And I've been prescribed a Very Eventful med. (for three days. It's almost over thankfully.)

So, that tonsil being swollen for SIX WHOLE DAYS. I went to work on wednesday, helped set some stuff up, looked around, realized they didn't need me that day At All, said I should go to get that taken care of, the boss sent me to a specific urgent care. I got put on steroids. The swelling is gone now, which is nice. So is the pain. I'm chilling.

Kind of. My heart rate has been at the resting "unfamiliar and anxiety inducing" state since wednesday at 3pm. Like busy walmart level heart rate. I'm fine, that's the calm me in a stressful area, but not when I'm at home and at work. I live in those places. That felt concerning. I had so much energy and so little brain cells active. I chatted my coworkers ears off to the point where they're just enjoying the crackhead energy I'm bringing to the table. I don't remember much of yesterday's shift, but I think I'm hitting on the newest hired safety operator now. Idk why. Idk how. But we've been talking A LOT. And he just goes out of his way to chat with me now. Which continued today. Even through me staying late to close, he's there, I'm coming down, and somehow he's able to just start asking questions, pulling conversation out of his ass as we're waiting for the last few people to leave, and somehow making me laugh through the headache and back throbbing that's coming up now that my body isn't on overdrive. And getting my weird ass little personality lore stories. This guy is actually a pretty fun one. I ended up exposing the fact that I'm scared to handle anything too sharp to him today, because one of the other operators left the razor blade we've been using for various things on the water fountain of all places. We HAD CUSTOMERS TODAY. That should NOT be there. That couldn't stay there obviously. So, I asked him to grab it and put it behind the counter to where we had a labelled sticky note so we knew to use that later to get excess paint of the office windows. He's holding that thing like it's radioactive and I'm just sitting there explaining that I could probably do it, probably use it, it'd be fine and great for like 10 minutes, then I'd slice my finger open and in turn pass the fuck out. Apparently he's hesitant about this type of thing too, but he still did that. And then proceeded to offer that I can call him over the radios at any time if that ever happens and i do need help to not pass out. Then proceeded to say something along the lines of "Hold on, that was an exposed weakness. Vulnerability. You trust me, don't you?" And I'm just "???? I guess so." I've had a very strange two days with this guy. The office girls couldn't keep up with me bc they didn't have their usual crackhead energy, but he could, and he kept it going and I think he was enjoying every bit of me being fucked up on strong steroids. Tomorrow when I take the last one in the morning and in turn come down around lunch time is going to be interesting and I feel like he's going to be the only one who really gets what's going on with me during that. He's a good dude. I think I've successfully made a new work friend. One that isn't a noncon friendship of being forced together all the damn time. It's been a bit since they fired my friends. I've missed having that kind of thing going on. It's fun. It's just strange that I had this thought in the back of my head to actually proceed to hit on him. Like, yeah, I was being really chatty and just going on with everything, but like the obviously flirting. Fucking with his hat and shit. I stood behind him for a second, processed that thought, and was just "Don't you add more complications for yourself." and proceeded to continue on to what i had to do wordlessly. (Though seems to be a safer option than my current one, he's a few years younger than him, though still a good amount older than me. Weird, but mostly culturally weird bc he's from portland. It's a good weird... The younger operators have weird things about me, but somehow i keep going for the strange 30-somethings that pop up. Don't get it. Tbf everybody hired there is either 18-20 or 35... and me. right in the middle. hm.)

So That was a THING.

Anyways, the guy that i already have shit going on with, which again, another reason I Do Not need to add complications for myself. We finally had a night where we hung out after not seeing each other for nearly a week. We were going to actually work on the stereo, but he was just "let's chill for a little bit, then we'll get started." We got a fire going, started talking, didn't stop. It was obvious that he hadn't really had a chance to rest in that whole time we hadn't seen each other. It was a night that I was slowly coming down from that day's steroid doses and just rambling on endlessly on this entirely adhd stream of thoughts from both ends. It went places. And tbh, I didn't realize how much i missed doing that with him and that was why I continue to spend time with him when i can. We had another night after that of fucking with the stereo, redoing a few things, and ultimately realizing that it was time to call a professional. That night was honestly boring. Then tonight, he drags me through a whole damn thing as I'm just sitting there waiting for the okay to swing by. His somehow-not-ex-wife was giving him shit again. Basically trying to push herself on him as his responsibility, and just shoving in his face everything wrong with her life and how it's entirely his fault (It's not. They've been separated for two years.) So I get the whole "hang on, my wife is in crisis mode." So I'm just there like "You said you wouldn't. I've already given you this talk." (Not to mention that I have mentioned that this is one of his baggage red flags and somewhat of a dealbreaker....) And yeah. He was. So I'm sitting there for like a half hour. Annoyed. Coming down. About to send him a whole ass paragraph text of "She doesn't deserve you and you don't deserve that shit." Because really, he is too nice for his own good in that situation. I finally get the okay. I delete the paragraph. I head over. Finally get that back crack so my back is no longer throbbing. Then I literally just ream him about getting a fucking divorce and how it's a toxic cycle on how she keeps coming back to him for help, usually through guilting him and trying to get money. And he's just standing there, taking this whole thing silently. Then when I'm done he just says "...My mom just said the same things to me" in kind of a defeated way. I just then reiterate to get a divorce and block her number. And then apologize for being aggressively blunt about it. But apparently he took it as me actually looking out for him bc i was saying what he needed to hear and not what he wanted to hear. And honestly he seemed a touch more positive after that and actually agreed. So, I swear to god if he doesn't. This is something I'm going to keep pressing on until I see proof. Because I was literally about to start telling him how his whole plan for us was actually feasible. It was actually something that I'd want. It is, but not if she keeps showing up like that. But we'll see how that goes. Because apparently steroid induced crackhead energy me is already looking for another backup plan. Which is insane considering that a side effect is a lack of a sex drive. Which is definitely happening. But this is???

Either way, this guy better give me another nice time and actually remind me why i put up with his bullshit real soon after tonight. That was something and he has got to get rid of that awful ex already. Because apparently steroid me has other plans. Let's hope I don't make any fast mistakes here. Don't need more. I've been in a drug-induced manic state for three days. It's been eventful. Makes me think really. I do think with my pussy sometimes. I've been thinking with my brain and heart the last few days, no other thoughts from below. Just a "don't get a yeast infection from the antibiotics again." Which has just been a lot of greek yogurt and kombucha. At least with that realization, I at least put up with that guy without that kind of thought going. And not just put up, but actually care enough about him that I started reaming him about his toxic attachment to somebody who really doesn't care for him and basically just gave him the second version of what his mom did.

But what the fuck was i doing at work today????

[thebibliosphere]

I had a question.

So, just an hour or two ago, I was going through some sort of “manic high”, sorta like how somebody with bipolar disorder would have (I don’t have BPD). It felt like a bullet train at max speed and completely derailing, and it was incredibly draining. It also got me wondering.

Do people with severe enough ADHD deal with ADHD episodes like this? My search attempts are often futile because all of it is just talking about how to differentiate between BPD and ADHD and BPD manic episodes, but nobody ever mentions ADHD episodes; the only time I’ve seen it mentioned ever was when somebody made a clip of crankgameplays to show what an ADHD episode looked like.

Do they even exist? I’ve got no idea, so I was just wondering if you knew.

Hey! Sorry, I saw your other ask a while ago, but I wanted to talk to my ADHD specialist before I answered because I’d never heard of the term “episode” being used to describe ADHD. I’m also going to splice both questions together here and answer them in segments in the hope it helps :)

So like I said, I’d never heard of the term “episode” with ADHD, and neither has my specialist. Part of ADHD is having a natural ebb and flow between inattention and hyperactivity, sometimes skewed toward one or the other, depending on your ADHD type. (What are the different types of ADHD?)

Your type of ADHD may also fluctuate because of other factors, such as stress, changes in medication, hormonal fluctuations, lack of sleep, overstimulation, or even under-stimulation, to name a few. Another overlooked part of ADHD is emotional dysregulation, which may cause rapid cycling emotions that may look like an “episode” to someone unfamiliar with what that actually qualifies. The way my therapist explained it and using your example of bipolar disorder, “episode” is used in diagnostic criteria to categorize manic or depressive episodes that last X amount of time, are usually severe, potentially requiring hospitalization, and are accompanied by other symptoms not found in ADHD.

Our “bursts” of energy or lack thereof typically don’t last long enough to be considered episodes. This isn’t to say they are not severe or debilitating, especially if you suffer from things like anxiety or depression that ADHD can feed into. Merely that “episode” is not used as part of the language used to discuss ADHD, which is likely why you’re not finding anything.

So, do ADHDers experience intense bursts of energy that are draining afterward? Yeah, we can do, especially if we lean more toward hyperactive than inattentive. (And again, it's normal to fluctuate and also for things to be affected or worsened by secondary factors.)

And I'm going to put the rest under the cut because this is hella long.

I’ve seen some people think that all hyperactivity has to come with fixation, but that’s not how ADHD works. It’s true if something gets us excited or gives us a dopamine boost, we might be more prone to becoming hyperfixated and burn all our energy up on that. But you don’t need something to fixate on to experience hyperactivity. Some of us are just wired to the moon sometimes, and yes, it can be very draining when it ends. Some people find medication helpful in regulating their hyperactivity/preventing it from coming in such big swings and dips.

Speaking personally, when I'm hyper and nothing is grabbing my attention, the world and people around me can feel painfully slow. It's like I'm going a mile a minute doing everything but achieving nothing. The crash that comes after can also be particularly bad, as I also have dysthymia, which can tip over into a major depressive episode depending on other factors in my life at that time. For years I was misdiagnosed as having "probably Bipolar Type II" by a doctor who didn't believe teenage girls could "get" ADHD* and convinced my parents I needed psychoactive drugs. The drugs I was on didn't help, in fact, they made me worse so I was taken off them.

It wasn't until I found an ADHD specialist as an adult a few years ago that I made any real progress. And I'll be honest, I was shocked when she diagnosed me with ADHD, I really didn't think I had it. Right up until we started doing the work and slowly but surely my mental health began to improve and my understanding of myself with it.

Sometimes there are days when I will be wired to the moon and it will derail my entire day because I can't focus on a single thing/I'll focus too much on a single thing. Other times, like when I am closer to my menstrual cycle, I'll crash into inattentiveness and depression because of how my hormones affect my various different conditions, including my ADHD. Medication would likely help with this, but due to medical reasons, that's currently not an option for me so I do the best I can.

That said, if you’re experiencing something more than hyperactivity but it's not mania, you may be experiencing a form of hypomania and you should talk to a doctor about your concerns.

Hypomania typically occurs in Bipolar Type II disorder, which is less severe than the manic episodes in Bipolar I. I’ve experienced both manic and hypomanic episodes in my life due to medication interactions, and they felt very different from ADHD hyperactivity. It's not just derailing mile-a-minute thoughts, it's something usually completely mood-altering and out of control feeling followed by devastating crashes.

If you're on any medications and are worried you are experiencing something like this, you need to talk to your doctor. You might just need a dosage tweak, or you might be better off on a different medication altogether. Also, make a thorough check of any and all medications you are taking to check for any interactions.

I'm on a cocktail of meds for my MCAS, which if I were to combine them with the SSRI one of my doctors wants me to try, would result in serotonin syndrome. The doctor didn't notice this, but the pharmacist sure as shit did!

Some people (ask me how I know) even develop mild hypomania from overusing the sunlamps used to treat SAD (link), which is why brands like Verilux now include warnings in their leaflets about not using the lamps for more than X amount of time a day. Thankfully it goes away once you stop overusing the lamps.

Which actually brings me to something you asked last time about being unable to sleep at night. Insomnia and delayed sleep phase cycles are not uncommon in ADHD. This is likely because our circadian rhythm is thought to be out of whack (link).

You also mentioned having racing thoughts at night too, which is not uncommon either with hyperactivity. I find if I get overstimulated before trying to sleep, I’ll end up lying there awake with what I like to call “radio ADHD” playing in my head. It can range from snippets of songs stuck on repeat, conversations, things I’ve watched on TV, arguments, or if something is happening the next day, fixating on not being late for it. Hence, I end up getting no sleep because you can’t accidentally sleep in if you don’t sleep. *jazz hands of despair.*

Sometimes I find Radio ADHD soothing if it’s fixating on something chill, but it can get annoying fast and even distressing if I’m tired and can’t “change the station.” (I’d say “shut it off,” but as of yet, I’ve never been able to do that. Medication helps some people with this, as can looking into “sleep hygiene” if you haven’t already.) Conversely, if I’m bored or something is too stressful, I will 100% fall asleep because my brain would literally rather just turn off than do something I don’t want to do or is a low dopamine reward task.

Brains are fun.

Anyway, I uh, I am not sure if any of this is useful to you, but I hope it helps. Mostly I'm just repeating back what my specialist said when I asked her about it lol. Good luck, and I hope you figure things out.

----

*NB: It's important to note that ADHD and Bipolar Disorder can be comorbid. It's not a one or the other situation. I’m just throwing it out there in case hearing that helps someone else pursue the proper diagnosis!

[thevirgodoll]

do you have any advice on how to level up like your physical appearance and mentality? like i struggle with discipline and codependency issues and I hate it but when i try and change i fall back into my bullshit real quick

Becoming #ThatGirl

The above quote is from Saweetie. First and foremost, your energy will speak before your looks do.

1. Inner Work

Be sure to work on mindfulness from the inside. I always recommend that my followers look into how to be more mindful and spiritual.

-> Do a 15 or 30 minute yoga session. Look forward to learning poses everyday.

-> Journaling — a diary, gratitude journal, prayer journal, etc will help you think more about your goals, release balled up emotions, and set your intentions. Always refer to your journal first before a person. It will help you analyze your thought process.

- Digital: Day One, Google Docs

- Buy a physical notebook.

- Best pens: Pilot 0.38 and 0.7

- Best highlighters: Zebra Mildliners

-> Check in with your emotions daily.

- Mood trackers: Daylio, eMoods

-> Be grateful. List 5 things you are grateful for

-> Eat mindfully — cleaner foods and not just junk. Drink your body weight in water.

- Cleaner eating: no soda (if you must drink something drink ginger ale.), no dairy (cheese occasionally. I never drink real milk...), drink more teas and more smoothies. Eat oatmeal. Rice, fish, salad.

- Buy a reusable water bottle, or a mason jar with a lid from Amazon and refill it. This way you will drink your water.

- Take your multivitamins.

-> Have a list of affirmations you say daily: “I am beautiful, I am blessed, I am blossoming.”

-> Meditation to relieve your anxieties. It will clear your mind completely and leave you refreshed. Download Headspace app!!

-> Exercise and watch your mental health improve.

-> Watch less mindless TV. Read books or listen on Audible.

-> Have a steady routine. This is how you create discipline. Always have a morning routine and night routine. You must have good hygiene. Have a structured schedule so that you’re always in order.

-> Sleeping at least 8 hours, wake up early and start your day. If you have a decent bedtime routine that relaxes you you will be able to do this. Meditate, listen to chill or binaural beats, and avoid naps.

2. Outer Appearance

After you have envisioned and began to achieve what you want your inner self to look like, it is time to think about your outer self.

-> What does #she look like?

- For example: A high value girl will be put together — impeccable fashion sense, hygienic, and glowing radiantly.

- What is the style that you have always dreamed of having? What is your signature fashion sense? What is your It Girl Aesthetic? Is it traditional feminine, old Hollywood, 00s glam, tomboy girly? A mix of everything???

- Invest in high quality pajamas. I notice that when I have my silk robe on I transform into a baddie and I feel elegant at the same time.

- Wear clothes that fit to your body.

- Have signature jewelry, a signature bag, and a signature perfume scent. Make it fun.

-> What are the things #she does to upkeep her look?

- Teeth Whitening: Crest 3D whitestrips, toothpaste, and mouthwash. Flossing always!

- Nails: Always upkeep your toes and nails, at least have them filed/shaped and coated with oil. If you decide to paint them: Sally Hansen Gel Polish, preferably white on the toes because it is classic and goes with everything. white, Tiffany blue, baby pink, red are all flattering colors.

- Makeup: Light Foundation, blush, brows, lashes, lipgloss is actually enough, less can always be more. If you decide to wear heavy makeup be sure to set it with setting spray, Urban Decay or NYX.

- Skin: Have a skincare routine. Face wash -> toner -> serum -> moisturizer -> SPF* morning. Exfoliate twice a week. Aztec clay mask twice a week. Find products that work for your skin.

- Tree hut exfoliating scrub before shower. Lip scrub before lipstick. Burt’s Bees chapstick is the best and Aquaphor is super moisturizing for skin as well. Dr. Teals bath salts for a relaxing bath.

- Moisturize your body with cocoa or shea butter then oil after showers.

- Hair: Castor oil for eyelashes, eyebrows, hair. It’s a god send

3. Mindset & Overall Improvement

-> Grow your confidence. Know that you are a one of a kind individual and nobody can be like you. Affirm yourself... start saying things like, “I’m a living angel.” / “There’s only one me and I’m the baddest.” / “I’m a dream girl.”

It’s not overzealous, it’s confident. Trick your mind into thinking this and it will be internalized the same way you internalize negativity.

-> Maintain strict boundaries with yourself and others. Don’t tolerate less than what you deserve, and always do your best.

-> Develop your individuality. If you are putting someone on a pedestal, you will never glow up. Be independent and stop needing others approval for things, and learn how to rely on yourself first. Do more things on your own and fall in love with the new you. Buy yourself flowers, pamper yourself always.

-> Deep cleanse your life. Delete old contacts. Clean your space always and keep it appealing. Donate clothes you’re not going to wear. Delete old photos that do not make you happy. Focus more on yourself, and disconnect from social media. Always block schedule your apps. 20 mins per day on the ones that drain you the most.

-> To create more discipline, create goals worth fighting for. Create goals you look forward to at the end of the day. Look forward to the new life you’re going to have. Be gentle with yourself while also having the maturity to check yourself when you’re lacking. Don’t just look at the end result, look at where you are now. Appreciate the now, anticipate the future. Don’t just wait to be motivated, just start.

-> Always remind yourself that being human takes failures...ups and downs, but you will always come out on the winning side because you will be working towards flourishing and blossoming into a high value, high maintenance baddie.

You got this! ❤️

[absolutelyfizzing]

I like you because (peter parker x reader)

Peter parker x reader

description - You have a panic attack at school and peter helps you through it. Then he lets you know all of the reasons he loves you 

word count -  about 2000

warnings - anxiety! panic attack tw! negative self talk, don't read if that is triggering for you. Also tooth-rotting fluff that makes me wanna cry. also self harm warning!! hand scratching!

A/N - I just wanted to say that anxiety manifests itself in different ways in different people. This is based off of a personal experience i had with a panic attack at school and how one of my friends helped me though it. I know this may not be how everyone experiences anxiety and everyone's version of this experience is completely valid. by no means am i trying to offend or cause any harm.

MASTERLIST

Your feet hit the pavement quickly as you rushed to school. You could feel people looking at you but you tried to get to your locker as soon as humanly possible. Your heart rate was picking up and you knew you were acting strange to the people around you. You looked exhausted. Your eyes had bags under them and your clothes were a mess. You couldn't walk straight because of the lack of sleep. When you finally made it to your locker you were so out of it that it took multiple tries to get the code right. Finally getting it open, you sighed, trying desperately to hide behind the locker door and to calm your breathing. 

You didn't know why but the last 2 days had been hell. It had been the weekend so it was okay but you hadn't slept right or had the motivation to do anything. Your anxiety was worse and it seemed that everything was too bright and too loud. There was just too much going on. You just wanted to sit in your room and stare at the wall for the rest of the day but you had to come to school, both for your academic performance and to see your boyfriend, Peter. He would get worried if you didn't show up and you didn't want him to have to cancel something later in the day to check on you. Now that you were here and you could feel people looking at you, you wondered if him seeing you would make him any less worried. You felt him come up behind you and when you turned to look at him there was a grin on his face. It quickly turned into worry as he looked at you. You felt the guilt creeping in. 

"Hey Y/N, you doing okay?" he questioned lightly. You subtly braced yourself and smiled widely, purposefully making it reach your eyes. 

"Yeah I'm fine! Just in a little bit of a mood is all." You smiled, grinning so wide your cheeks hurt. You had to convince him not to worry. You couldn't have him distracted during the day because he was thinking about something so silly as you being extra anxious. You hoped the thumping of your heart and the nervous ticks you felt in your fingers would dissipate during the day. Peter looked at you a little funnily but didn't question you. You knew he could probably tell your heart rate was pounding extra fast but neither of you said anything as you closed your locker and you both began walking to your first class, which you had together. 

The day went on but the anxiety did not leave. You could feel yourself growing irritable and the lights burned your eyes. Your leg was bouncing nervously and one hand scratched at the other. You only scratched your hand like that when you really were anxious, normally right before a panic attack. You did everything in your power not to do it normally because it left your hand hurt and sometimes bleeding. Peter knew this tic of yours and so you kept your hand covered by your sleeve whenever you could and you avoided being right next to him in any classes you had together. He noticed your change in behavior but again didn't say anything as the day went on, not wanting to upset you further and figuring you would come to him when you were ready. 

By the time lunch came around, you were exhausted. You had been worrying about everything and nothing for hours and your hand was scratched raw. You could feel Peter looking at you and you could also feel the panic rise in your throat at the large amount of people in the cafeteria. You were suddenly hyper aware of the people around you and their breathing and chewing. The lights felt sterile and the feeling of exposure sent a chill up your spine. You needed to get out. You set your stuff on the cafeteria table next to peter and mumbled something quickly about needing to use the restroom. You headed for the locker room. At this time of day you knew nobody would be in there. You went between the isles to find a small corner. Once you had backed yourself in you slid to the ground, the tears starting as you breathing became harder to control. You were scratching your hand and tapping your foot, trying desperately to get rid of the excess energy you could feel in your body. Your thoughts were so consumed in how stupid you were being, how selfish, that you didn't notice the sound of the door opening and closing. 

You were mumbling something about going crazy and how you were being ridiculously self centered when you heard someone slide down the wall a couple feet in front of you. You knew it was probably Peter or MJ coming to check on you. You forced a sob to stay in your throat and you immediately tried everything in your power to calm down. You couldn't but you felt the person move closer. 

"Can I help?" You heard Peter ask, still not looking up at him. You shook your head silently. You wanted to scream and cry but you were finding it harder and harder to breathe. "Can I stay here?" he asked again. You thought for a moment, your heart pounding loudly at the lack of air it was getting. You nodded. 

You mumbled “I’m sorry” over and over, hoping he understood that you didn't mean for him to get wrapped up in this. That he shouldn't have to deal with you. The tears were coming harder and suddenly it was like you couldn't get air into your lungs at all. You started gasping but it didn't work. Nothing was working, you couldn't breathe. You weren't able to talk but you felt a hand on yours. You shook in shame at the thought of him seeing you like this. 

Suddenly his body was wrapped around yours. He was hugging you to his chest, you still curled up into a ball. He began breathing deeply and you unconsciously started to match his pace. It took at least 10 minutes but eventually your breathing matched his, slow and controlled. You were still crying though. 

"I’m sorry. I’m sorry." It seemed like it was all you could say. You refused to make eye contact with him even when he pulled back to look at you. Your hand was scratching away at the other desperately trying to get out of your skin when you felt him grab your hands. 

"You have nothing to be sorry for. Please look at me." He whispered. You took a deep breath before looking at him. Your watery eyes met his and you could see he was holding back tears. 

"Can you tell me what’s going on?" he asked quietly. You nodded but waited before speaking. You were trying to gather your thoughts and he made no move to rush you, holding your hands and looking at you lovingly. 

"I don't know whats wrong" you got out first. You took another deep breath. "A couple days ago I started to feel shitty again like I sometimes do but I didn't want to worry you so I just didn't mention it. Then I got to school today and -" you paused and took a deep breath, shutting your eyes as tightly closed as you could. "everything is so loud here. I felt like everyone was looking at me and I was worried I would snap at someone if they talked to me and I just don't want to be here or be me and I hate that I'm like this and I'm sorry you have to deal with it." You rushed out quickly. Another sob wracked your body. "I hate me" you whispered under your breath, without the intention of him hearing but he heard it because he was 1) very close to you, and 2) had enhanced senses. You slowly looked at him and he had a sad look on his face. There were tears in his eyes and the guilt wracked over you. "I’m sorry" you whispered.

"I love you." he whispered back. You were taken aback a bit. You had been together for 2 years, your junior and now your senior, and you hadn't really said that to each other like that. Not in this serious of a context. You sniffed. "I love you on any day, even when you don't love yourself. I know you are the greatest person on the planet and I believe it enough for the both of us. At least until you feel like you can work on getting to being okay with yourself."

You felt another sob wrack your body and you leaned into his chest. "And you never have to be sorry for feeling this way. It's not your fault. I am here voluntarily because I care about you. No amount of tears or snot or anxiety will change how much I care about you." he then took a deep breath and kissed your hair. You slowly stopped shaking in his arms and he kept holding you. 

"I don't know why you like me." you whispered out. The tears were no longer pouring out of you and you had fully caught your breath. You weren't fishing for compliments either, you were just expressing your genuine surprise that he wanted you around. 

"I like you because you are kind. You always ask if everyone is okay, even MJ when she is being snappy with you. I like you because you think of others first in every situation, even if it is frustrating for the people who love you. I like you because you always know what to say to people when they are feeling sad and I’m sorry I'm not as good at it as you. I like you because you always say bless you when anyone sneezes and you put the grocery cart away at the store every time. You always tell people they can talk to you if they need anything, even if you don't know then very well. You always crack your window for me so I can come in if I need you after patrols. You are the kindest person I have ever met. I like you because I will love you until the end of me. And everyone around you loves you too." By the time he was done you were holding back tears again. You looked at him and he smiled at you before saying, "Of course they don't love you as much as I do, I think thats impossible." while he smirked, trying to get you to crack a smile. It worked. You took a deep breath before straddling his legs and wrapping yourself around him in the biggest hug you could give. 

"I love you too" you said into his neck where your head was buried. He rubbed your back as you breathed him in. 

"Are you ready to go back out there or do you want to stay in here?" he asked genuinely and you knew he would be content with either choice. 

"We can go back out there but I think I’m going to head home." You muttered out, knowing you were going to crash soon if you stayed here. 

"Can I come with you?" he questioned. You looked at him and sighed. 

"Pete, I don’t want you to miss out on the rest of the day because you're with me." you said but you smiled at him. 

"Can I please? I wanna take care of my girl." He whispered the last part and you knew your resolve wouldn't last. 

"Yes of course you can come with me." you muttered, secretly glad he was coming with you. You didnt really want to be all alone as your parents were off at work. 

You didn't regret your decision. You headed outside while he grabbed your stuff from the cafeteria so you didn't have to let your peers see you with tear stains. He carried your bag all the way home and had his arm around your shoulders as he walked. When you got back you laid down on the couch and he tucked you in before going to the kitchen to make you some hot cocoa. By the time he came back into the room with cocoa in hand, you were fast asleep. Peter couldn't believe how much he cared about you as you laid there and he decided in that moment that he would spend the rest of his life proving your worth to you every single day.