#me when the void i yell into sometimes says nice things to me

[angelpuns]

*ahem* WE LOVE YOU AND YOU CAN TALK TO US ANYTIME, OKAY?!?!

DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR

WE ARE ALL HERE FOR YOU AND HAVE OPEN EARS AND HEARTS

DO NOT FEEL BAD FOR LETTING PEOPLE KNOW HOW YOU FEELING

I WILL NOT ALLOW IT

aight now hugs if you feel comfortable with em' <3

Actual picture of me cause frankly I did not expect to wake up to nice comments ;-;

I will take your hugs because I will need em in the future <3333

[luxaofhesperides]

Accidental Bride Sacrifice ; requested by @starlightcat04!

Danny has long since gotten used to the feel of summonings. They don’t happen often, but sometimes the right components are put together to force him into answering, and he’d have to go as the new Ghost King.

Which no one told him was a thing! He hadn’t protested too much about the whole Ghost King deal when they finally told him about it after he graduated high school. It gave him a good excuse to ditch life in the living realm and not worry about college or a career, and let him really embrace his ghost side. 

The summonings are a problem, though. They always feel staticky and bad, like a dumpster that just got struck by lightning. The taste of iron on his tongue, a clear sign of blood being spilled, lets him know that it would be one of end the world for us summonings, because some people can’t put in the effort to do it themselves, apparently. 

But this time, the summoning feels different.

Danny pauses, eyes going unfocused in the middle of his conversation with Jazz. He had been looking forward to spending the week with her, now that she’s on winter break, but his luck is as bad as always.

“I’m being summoned,” he tells her, cutting off her rant about a transphobic professor she had. 

“Oh, no. Do you need me to do anything? Should I go with you to beat up whoever it is that’s summoning you?”

Danny tilts his head to the side, considering. The taste of blood is noticeably absent. In fact, this summoning pull doesn’t make him feel sick at all. It makes him feel warm, as if he’s just been wrapped in a hug.

“No,” he says. “I think I’m good. This one feels different.”

“A good different?” Jazz asks, worry clear in her voice.

“Yeah. A good different. I’ll come back soon, okay?”

“Alright. Be careful, Danny.” Jazz pulls him into a quick hug, then steps back to watch as Danny stops fighting the pull of the summoning and disappears into a swirling white rings that flashes into existence behind him, blinding her for a moment, and is gone when she manages to blink the spots out of her vision. 

For a minute, Danny drifts in a void of stillness, traveling through the realms as the summoning draws him closer to the correct realm. And then he’s rising out of the ground in a dark building made of concrete, candles of green flame scattered all over the place.

“Great One!” someone in a hooded cloak cries, raising his arms in jubilation. “Our calls have been answered!”

“I’ll fucking kill you!” a mechanical voice yells from farther back. When Danny looks past the cultists’ heads, he spots a man in a red hood and leather jacket chained to a pole, along with a bunch of other people in strange costumes tied up, desperately trying to free themselves. 

“Silence!” The leader of the cult, or who Danny assumes is the leader, snaps at the hooded man and gestures to the people off to his left. They force another costumed person forward, this one in yellow armor. He can see the blood running down their face from beneath their helmet and from their nose, dark lines of blood cutting through their brown skin. 

The cultists throw the armored person forward, forcing them to kneel. Then they bow to Danny and step back.

“Great One,” the leader says, voice unpleasantly reverent and grating, “Welcome to the mortal realms. We offer you this sacrifice to feed your strength. He will make a fine general for your undead army in your crusade to rid this world of its filth.”

The people in the back begin shouting all together, panicked voices overlapping, and Danny is left staring down at the cultists in shock.

The summoning had felt so nice. What the hell was this? He did not sign up for another ‘end of days’ insane cult. He just wanted to be hugged. 

His silence makes the cultists nervous. They begin to shift uneasily, whispering to each other, and the leader clears his throat, then pulls a large crystal dagger out of his cloak. “We shall prove our devotion to you through an offering of a hero’s blood!”

And then he moves towards the sacrifice and Danny snaps out of his shock to yell, “Wait!”

The entire room freezes. Even the costumed people in the back go still. 

Danny winces, then tries to smother his power, make himself more palatable to the humans of this dimension. “Wait,” he says again, and he sounds closer to human now. If he could, he would drop his ghost form entirely, but he knows better than to endanger himself like that. “What, exactly, did you summon me here for?”

The cult leader stares at him for a moment. “To… To rid the world of filth and allow your loyal followers to spread word of your power. You will be worshiped again, Great One, and serve as a reminder to man that Death shall always prevail.”

“Okay, I get that, but I was talking more along the lines of the summoning. What ritual did you use? What specifically were the summoning requirements?”

Normally, he’d be able to figure it out himself, but these cultists didn’t use a summoning circle. So they did something else, something less visible and therefore harder to figure out, in order to bring him here.

A woman standing off to the side speaks up, stepping forward hesitantly. “I had pieced together a few summoning spells from this book to bring you here. You had to accept our chosen sacrifice to your side in order for the summoning to work.”

“Hold up that book for me, please?”

She does, and Danny flies down to grab it from her hands. “Point out which lines you used,” he says, already reading a few of the words written down. It’s definitely ghostspeak written down, which should be near impossible for living humans to translate without being skilled in magic.

“Ah, these ones.” She points to each line, reading them out for him, and Danny starts understand what, exactly, went wrong.

“Is there a problem, Great One?”

Danny returns the book then floats over to the sacrifice and picks him up. The costumed people make alarmed noises, but quietly quiet down again when all Danny does is move him away from the cultists.

“Okay,” he says, “So. The lines you used to summon me were not translated properly. What you interpreted as ‘accepted to stay by the king’s side in loyalty and strength’ is not meant to be, like, him being part of my undead army or whatever. It’s a royal marriage vow.”

“They married us?” the sacrifice shouts, disbelieving. The cult leader buries his face in his hands and sighs.

“My deepest apologies, Great One. We meant no offense. We simply wanted to aid in your destruction of this depraved world.”

Danny scrunches his nose and shakes his head. “Yeah, that’s not gonna fly with me. I do not do the biding of random people, especially those who are ready to murder innocent people for no reason. Frighty, if you would.” He snaps his fingers, calling up Fright Knight who always enjoys getting to torment the people who summon Danny for murderous reasons.

Fright Knight appears in a swirl of darkness and screams. Shadows swallow the room, and when they recede, no cultists remain.

“Thanks, Frighty. Have fun with them. I need to figure out all… this.”

Fright Knight bows to him, then disappears. Danny lets out a breath, then floats down lower to be eye level with the sacrifice. “Hey,” he says gently, with a smile, “I’m so sorry they did this to you. I’m Danny. What’s your name?”

“Du— Uh, Signal,” the sacrifice says, sounding rather dazed. 

“Signal,” Danny repeats. “Like… a traffic signal?”

“No. I mean, maybe? But it is Signal. That’s my hero name, not my real name.”

“Oh, you’re a hero!” His getup makes more sense now. Danny checks him over for any signs of injuries. So far, only his head and nose seem to be injured, but his wrists are tightly bound behind his back. Carefully, Danny calls upon his ice and shapes it into a sharp knife, then cuts through the zipties.

He helps Signal up to his feet, floating by his shoulder. “All good?”

“Yeah, man, all good. Let me just get the others free.”

“Oh, I can do it!” Danny flies over to the other costumed people, who must also be heroes. All it takes is one link in the chain being frozen and broken for the entire thing to go lax, allowing them to free themselves. Hooded guy spares Danny a single glance, then hurries over to Signal to check on him. The other three, a man with a blue bird across his chest, a blond girl with a yellow bat outline on her chest, and a guy with bandoliers and a golden bird emblem, all watch him warily as he floats back towards the center of the room.

“So,” the blue bird man says, “If they summoned you with a marriage vow, and you accepted, does that mean you’re planning to steal Signal away from us?” He’s smiling, but it’s not a nice smile.

“No! I had no idea they did this! I am so sorry you all got caught up in this. You most of all, Signal.”

Signal shrugs, nudging hood guy away from him. “Nah, man, it’s all good. This is definitely the better outcome.”

“I don’t know, being married off isn’t really a good thing.”

“Hey, at least they married me off to a decent guy.”

“You don’t know that,” Danny says, “What if I’m secretly evil?”

“If you were secretly evil, you’d be destroying the world right now. I think you’re fine.”

The blond girl waves at him, demanding his attention. “Quick question! They were calling you ‘Great One’. Are you a god or something?”

“Not really? I’m the Ghost King. So I’m a ghost who rules over other ghosts and also a majority of the Infinite Realms.”

She nods as if this is all totally normal for her, then shoots Signal a grin. “Congrats on bagging a king! Not the worst way to spend a night, right?”

“Can you break the marriage?” blue bird man asks, the lines of his shoulders tense.

Danny awkwardly rubs the back of his neck, not looking any of them in the eye. “I honestly don’t know. I can look for a way! But I genuinely have no clue. This was unexpected.”

“But you accepted.”

“I didn’t know what I expected! It just felt like a hug, and I wanted a hug! I thought I was being summoned for something nice for once!” Danny curls up, bringing his knees up to his chest, and hides his pout behind his hands. He knows he’s being childish, but he can’t help but be upset that he couldn’t have this one good experience from being Ghost King. 

It’s always responsibilities and death cult summonings and fighting ghosts who don’t think he should be king. Sure there have been some good things, but they’re comparatively few when looking at all the other stress and pain that comes with the crown. Sue him for wanting to have a nice night for once. Hell, at this point, he’d take being summoned to help with some kid’s homework, because at least then he could have a quiet night helping someone.

“Hey, man, can you come down here?” Signal asks. 

He wants to stay out of reach, hiding himself away for a bit longer, but Signal is his new, surprise, accidental husband, so Danny lowers himself to the ground and peeks through his fingers to look at him.

He tenses when Signal hugs him, soft and warm and comforting. It takes a moment for him to realize what’s going on, and then he’s melting into Signal’s embrace, dropping his hands to wrap them around Signal’s back.

Distantly, he can hear the other heroes talking quietly amongst themselves. He blocks out the sound as much as he can, determined to enjoy this hug while it lasts.

Which is… fairly long. Signal makes no moves to end the hug, so Danny closes his eyes to really savor the moment. 

“So,” Signal murmurs into his ear, “As newlyweds, how about we get to know each other a bit better before we start working on fixing all this?”

“Really?”

“Yeah. Let’s ditch these guys and take some time to ourselves.”

“I promise I’ll get this fixed,” he says, just to make sure Signal knows. “Genuinely, I am so sorry to have married you through an old Realms vow when you had no say in it.”

“Hey, if it lands me a very nice, very attractive king, then I don’t mind at all. I could have done without the murderous cultists, though.”

Danny huffs out a small laugh. “Oh, for sure. Thanks for being so cool about this. Want me to fly us out of here?”

“Yes please,” Signal says. Danny smiles and tightens his grip on Signal, then lifts them both up. “I’ll see y’all later! Have fun with the rest of your patrols!” he calls out to the other heroes, who start shouting at him.

Danny flies them right out the roof before the other heroes figure out a way to kick his ass. The city they’re in is smoggy and dark, tall buildings rising up into the cloudy sky, and police sirens ring through the air. There’s no where that looks like a particularly nice spot to land for a conversation, so he asks Signal where he’d like to go and follows his directions from there.

They end up phasing through a building, then into the floor, which leaves them in what Signal calls The Hatch. 

Danny takes a quick moment to freak out over being in a hero’s secret hide out, the composes himself and finally pulls away from Signal.

“So,” he starts, looking around The Hatch and taking in the giant computer, the workstation, the motorcycle farther down the way, “What did you—Woah!” Danny spins around, slamming a hand over his eyes the instant he realizes that Signal is taking off his helmet, leaving his face bare.

It’s not like he’d know who Signal is anyways, being from a different dimension, but it’s the principle of the matter.

Signal laughs when he sees Danny’s attempt to keep from looking at him. A warm hand wraps around his wrist and gently pulls it away. “It’s okay, Danny, you can look,” he says. “It would be pretty weird if my own husband didn’t know my face.”

Slowly, giving Signal to change his mind, Danny opens his eyes. He moves his gaze up, going from Signal’s armor to his face, his very cute face and his warm brown eyes, and Danny stares for a moment. 

“Hi,” he whispers.

“Hi,” Signal says, fondness coloring his voice. “My name’s Duke. Are all Ghost Kings as cute as you?”

“Duke,” Danny repeats. “Hi. Um, no. The last one really sucked, actually, which is why I fought him. He was so bad the Infinite Realms didn’t want him anymore, so though I technically didn’t beat him in single combat, it was enough for the Infinite Realms to kick him out and get me on the throne.”

“Man, I can not wait to hear more of your stories. Think we got time for that while we search for a way to undo that marriage vow?”

Taking his chance, Danny says, “Sure! It’s a date.”

He’s awarded by Duke’s bright smile and idly wonders how long he can keep them married. Hopefully long enough for them to get into a real relationship where he can propose properly. And then he can get Jazz’s blessing too—

“Oh shit,” Danny realizes. 

“What? What’s wrong?”

“I need to tell my sister or she’s going to actually kill me.”

Duke winces. “And I should probably tell the others before Spoiler makes a mess of things… B is not going to be happy with me.”

They share a despairing look, already dreading the amount of scoldings they’re both going to get. He’s not looking forward to it.

“...Put it off until tomorrow?”

Duke nods. “Yeah. That’s a tomorrow problem. For now, how about a late dinner?”

“Sounds perfect.”

. . .

[send me a ghostlights prompt!]

[samkerrworshipper]

the monsters gone

part 3 of beautiful girl series -> part 1 -> part 2

leah williamson x reader, jordan nobbs x reader (wobbs as moms)

warnings: drug addiction, drug abuse, talks of illicit substances, depression, intrusive thoughts, would not advise for people in a bad mental headspace

You wanted her to leave, or you were desperate for a fix and well aware that it wasn’t going to happen until she was gone and you could retreat up to your room like normal. 

You scratched at the incision on your forearm, it was hidden underneath your hoodie but you could feel it all the same, it made you feel guilty. 

You’d never felt guilty for taking drugs, why would you? It was your choice, your body, your brain that you were fucking with. Yet for some reason, the little mark that you knew was sitting right on top of your vein was making you feel guilty. You didn’t want to admit it, but it felt oddly like the start of something, you weren’t sure what though, whatever it was though, it didn’t feel good. 

When the door clicked open around 2 o’clock you felt far more at peace, watching your mom hobble through the door with Lia following her. Jordan stood up almost immediately and if the room hadn’t already been awkward then the awkwardness found a whole new definition as the two women looked at each other. 

“Hey Jord, thanks for hanging around, you’re looking good.”

Your mom looked relieved to see Jordan, your ma on the other side looked slightly terrified as she eyed up the two women. 

“It wasn’t an issue, you know I love spending time with my chick.”

Leah smiled, looking down at you on the couch, you buried your head in your phone, ignoring her gaze. 

“Whether she admits it or not she likes seeing you as well.”

Your ma laughed awkwardly, it took everything in you to not burst out laughing at all of the tension between the two of them. 

“Look I’ll be heading off, gotta me back in Birmingham for game review tonight but can we talk for a minute though Le?”

Your mom’s head cocked to the side, a look of curiosity evident on her face. 

“Yeah sure, come with me.”

Lia watches them with the same look of curiosity as you, your eyes meeting as the trail back from the doorway to Leah’s office that they both step into. 

“They’re talking about me.”

Lia doesn’t bother trying to ignore you or deny what you’re saying, she nodes her head. 

“Probably, that’s what most parents do.”

It’s a absentminded answer, and for a second your aware that maybe Lia is in on whatever is happening, that she knows exactly what is going on behind the door. If anything important came from the phone call earlier you know Lia would be the first to know, she was like the third parent you never asked for nor wanted, but somehow ended up with. 

“Ma thinks that Mom’s parenting is shit.”

Lia cocks her head, she’s harder to read then your moms, more calculated, more clean, less obviously emotional. 

“She just disagrees with some of the things that your mother does, so do I. Nobody else is in her shoes though, she makes the decisions that are necessary and best for you.”

Lia sounds convinced of her words, even though you doubt them. 

“Ma doesn’t think so.”

Lia bit down on her bottom lip, finishing with tucking her kit bag away so she could focus her attention on you. 

“She worries about you.”

You did your best to suppress the eye roll, it didn’t work. 

“She worries that mom is too nice and isn’t strict enough.”

Sometimes you thought that your mom compensated for the void between the two of you by letting you do whatever you wanted, other times you were reminded by your grandma that she’d told Leah she needed to go easy on you and that not everyone could be as perfect as Leah Williamson. 

“Your mom knows what you need better than anybody else.”

The conversation paused, the two of you flinching at the sound of yelling from the other side of the door, you couldn’t make out what was being said, both of them were yelling though. 

“Set the table for lunch for me, kiddo?”

You couldn’t pull your eyes from the door, you hadn’t hear your moms yell in a long time, it took you back to when they were breaking up, when they tried to act like they weren’t, when they saved the fighting and yelling for when you’d been tucked into bed and they’d thought you were asleep. 

“Kiddo, table.”

You stood up from the couch, your eyes staying stuck to the door, even as you pulled cutlery from the drawer and laid it out with the placemats on the table. Eventually, the yelling ceased, and the room was over come with a silence like no other, only being broken by the door opening and your two moms walking out, both of them looking far more content considering that it had sounded like they were screaming at each other, not thirty seconds ago. 

“Bubba, Jord is going to head off, if you want to say bye.”

Jordan’s arms opened up to you and as mad and confused as you were, you weren’t going to deny her. You walked around the table, leaning into her hug, wrapping your arms around her the same way she did for you, letting her hold on for a little bit longer. 

“I’ll be back when I can chicky, I love you so much.”

You wanted to tell her she was lying, that they were all lying, they didn’t fucking love you, it was so fucking obvious. But for the sake of keeping the peace you didn’t. 

“I love you too Ma.”

Jordan let go of you, pressing a kiss to your forehead. The same way she had when they’d adopted you when you were eight, the same way she had after your first game when you were 12, the same way she had when you were 14 and you’d been top of your form and given an award, the same way she had when she’d left for good when you were 16. It was the same kiss, yet everything about it was different, the meaning, the purpose, the intention, it was all different. 

You watched as she walked out the door, the same as every time, you listened to the sound of her car starting and the sound of gravel underneath her tires as she pulled out and onto the road. 

Once you were sure she was gone you turned around, sliding into a seat at the table, across from your mother, staring at her. 

“What were you guys talking about?”

Leah looked at you, poker face as good as ever. 

“Football, some other stuff.”

It was a obvious lie, both you and Lia knew it. 

“You were talking about me, what about me?” Leah rolled her eyes at you. 

“It was a conversation between your Ma and I, not for your ears.”

You didn’t bat an eye as Lia set lunch down in front of you, to fixated on your mother. 

“You don’t yell over nothing, what were you talking about.”

Leah pushed her tongue out against her lips. 

“Your ma had some concerns about you, that’s it, I told her she had nothing to worry about and that we were doing just fine.”

You knew that even if you didn’t want to admit it, Jordan probably had some valid points, your mom seemed unphased though. 

“That’s it?”

Leah looked at you, and you could tell that she was holding something back. 

“She told me that you’d told her you smoked weed last night and that you were vomiting this morning.”

You tried to keep your face from changing, keeping the confident exterior even if you were slightly scared on the inside. 

“I got drunk, I had some fun, it was no biggy.”

Leah’s eyebrow rose in the trademark question. 

“It’s a biggy to me because you told all you were doing was vaping and a little bit of drinking, you said you’d be honest with me and it’s clear you haven’t been.”

You hesitated for a second, the air thickening around you as suddenly the tension was between you and your mother. 

“I was just having some fun mom, I didn’t do anything stupid, I was safe, just like you asked.”

Leah’s face shrivelled up as you used her words against her. 

“You were out with friends I’ve never met, at a house on the opposite side of town that I’ve never been too, Jord said you looked like you’d been on a three day bender and I told her that I didn’t believe her but now you’re here admitting it.”

You reached into your pocket for your vape, desperate for something to take the edge of the conversation off, to make you feel calmer. 

You pulled it out and Leah’s face immediately pointed inwards.

“How many times do I have to say no vape at the table?”

You frowned, shoving it back in your pocket. 

“It was just a bit of weed mom, it’s what kids my age do.”

Leah shook her head. 

“It wasn’t just a bit of weed, I’ve been smelling it on your clothes for weeks and trying to tell myself I was being delusional because you’d told me you were just on the vape, that you had no interest in drugs and yet you were lying to me, you have been for a while bubba and I don’t know how to feel about it to be honest. I thought we were closer than most parents and kids, I thought we had boundaries and that I was giving you enough space, and now I don’t know what to think.”

You pursed your lips, struggling to find words. 

“And if you’re lying to me about weed then what else is there? What else is there you aren’t telling me because there has to be more. I let you drop football, I relaxed on the school because I know you were struggling but this doesn’t work if you aren’t honest with me.” 

You really didn’t know what to say, your mind was in a million different places, the container underneath your bed, the joints on your windowsill hidden behind the curtains, the three vapes in your bedside table, the drug dealer numbers in your phone, what had happened last night, the meth track mark on your arm. 

“Nothing, it was just some weed, I just wanted something to take the edge off, it was no big deal.”

Leah’s eyes closed for a second and you knew this was all about to get a lot harder. 

“Except it was a big deal because you’ve been doing it behind my backs for weeks, I’ve tried to be understanding bubba, I have, I know it’s been tough for you with me and Jords breakup, you’ve had a really hard year, I let the vaping slide, I let your attendance drop at school, but drugs bub, it’s no joke.”

You took a deep breath. 

“It’s just some weed, I don’t know what you want me to tell you.”

Leah wants to say that if you’re this relaxed about being caught doing weed then she doesn’t want to know what else you’re hiding from her that would make you less relaxed, but she keeps it to herself, or for this moment at least. 

“I want you to bring me whatever you have of it, I won’t have you smoking illicit and illegal substances underneath my roof.”

You figured there were worse things that could happen, she could find your stash, she could take your vape, she could ground you or make you go to school. 

“Okay.”

Your mom nodded, happy she had at least won a small battle. 

“After lunch.”

You nod again in agreeance, looking down at the caesar salad in front of you and stabbing your fork down onto it, picking up the different pieces of lettuce and chicken scattered throughout. 

You make it through half the meal before you grab your bowl and pick it up, walking into the kitchen to do you washing up, your mom follows behind you, her bowl empty. 

You take the dish from her, cleaning it out and stacking both of them in the dishwasher, knowing whats to come now. 

You slow yourself down on the stairs giving her the time to follow behind you as she dragged her bad leg up every individual stair. 

Leah had been putting in hours everyday for her rehab, it was her main focus, over everything else. 

Eventually the two of you made it to the top of the stairs, and eventually to your bedroom door.

You hesitated before opening it, you couldn’t remember the last time Leah had been inside it, way before her acl, ever since she’d gotten injured she’d been avoiding the staircase. 

You opened the door, hand pausing on the cold metal doorknob for a split second before pushing it open. 

Your room was still freezing, you didn’t miss how your mother shivered from the breeze that hit her face immediately, coming straight from the open window. 

“Jesus kiddo, you trying to replicate antarctica in here? You know I pay good money for heating, right?”

It’s a lighthearted joke, yet somehow it hurts for you, you don’t know how or why, you just know that it does. 

“I like it cold.”

Leah looks at you, both brows furrowed inwards. 

“Alright then polar bear.”

You try not to flinch away when her hand reaches up to ruffle your hair, it’s something she’s done to you since you were a kid, it feels wrong now though. 

“Let’s just get this over and done with.”

You walk over to your windowsill, reaching behind the curtain and reaching for the bag of joints that you have stashed behind the material. Leah frowns as you walk back over to her, shoving the bag into her hands before she can even ask. 

“This is all of them?”

She looks completely unconvinced, you probably would be too, most kids don’t give up their drugs willingly. 

“Yes.”

Leah looks at you, eye to eye, like she’s trying to reach into your soul, or read your mind. 

“Bubba, this is your chance, I’m giving you an opportunity to be straight with me, and whatever you tell me or give me I won’t be mad about. I might want to sit down and question your decisions, but I won’t be mad. Teenagers are stupid, they make mistakes, they try new things, I get it. Be honest with me bubba, please.”

You didn’t really know what Leah was insinuating, but it was clear that she knew there was a bigger picture here. 

“That’s it mom.”

You had to tear your eyes away from her, you couldn’t handle the way that she was looking at you, the mix of disappointment, resentment and worry mixed into her blue irises. 

“Bubba, don’t make me search your room, don’t make me have to ground you, don’t make me have to call Jord and get her to turn the car around to help me out.”

You brought your eyes back to Leah’s. 

“That’s it mom, I don’t know what you want me to tell you, I don’t even know what you’re talking about.”

You were lying through your teeth and the fact you couldn’t look eye to eye with Leah would have been enough of a warning sign of that. 

“Drugs bubba, that’s what I’m talking about, you’re lying straight to my fucking face right now, I don’t know what about or why but you are.”

You didn’t know what to say, you weren’t going to admit it, you couldn’t, but you needed to say something. Fuck, you were so fucked. 

You tried to spin it in your head, tried to think about how you could make this work out. You were caught, you were done, this was bad. 

Your eyes darted to below your bed, rookie fucking mistake. 

Leah caught your line of sight, and you knew as soon as she did that it was all about to go to fucking shit, that you were done for. 

“Lia.”

Your mom’s voice was urgent, a yell that had the swiss woman bounding up the stairs in a matter of seconds. 

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. 

You were so fucking fucked. 

You were frozen in your spot, your mom’s eyes looking at you like she’d just been stabbed in the heart. 

“Bubba, you can get whatever you are hiding from me or I will get Lia to tear this whole room a part, I’m not fucking around.”

You felt torn down the middle, your brain couldn’t think, you felt the same sickness sink in from this morning, instead of it being withdrawals from drugs though it was the realisation that your whole life was about to be turned upside down. 

You tried to think, tried to think about how you could spin this, make it a little bit better than it really was. 

Lia looked more uncomfortable then possible, you wished a blackhole would randomly pop up and swallow all three of you. 

Something hit you, it wasn’t a full resolution but it was better than what you currently had going for you. 

You walked over to your bed, with unsteadier legs then last night when you were so drunk the world was spinning, crouching down when you got to the edge, feeling for the familiar container that held all of your deepest darkest secrets, or at least that’s how it felt. 

It took you back to a time when you’d made Leah check under your bed everynight for the monsters under your bed, now though she was looking for the monsters in your head, the monsters that had turned her little perfect girl into whatever you were now. 

Your hand eventually met the hard plastic, you pulled it out, biting down on the inside of your cheek as you stood up and sat down on the edge of your bed. 

Leah took a couple steps closer to you, standing directly in front of you. 

“Look, it’s not mine, I only did it twice, my friends bought it over, I swear.”

Half of it was true. 

“Open the box, bubba.”

You felt your throat tighten, you felt like you were going to vomit, or pass out, or have a heart attack. 

“Mom, I didn’t want to, I don’t even like it, I just did it because my friends were, I swear.”

It was also another half truth. 

“Bubba, open the box.”

You bit down even harder on the inside of your cheek, reaching for the edge of the plastic box and opening it, revealing the two baggies of white powder inside of it. 

Leah’s face fell, in a way that you’d never seen, you’d seen her disappointed before, this wasn’t it, it was something else entirely and you weren’t sure what. 

“Bubba.”

Your mom was a overly emotional person, you couldn’t handle her crying right now though, you couldn’t do it, you couldn’t deal with her pretending she gave a shit when this was the first time in months that it felt like she cared, and it was all because of Jordan, not on her own volition. 

“I swear mom, I swear, it’s not mine, I promise.”

It wasn’t a lie, it hadn’t started out as yours, you’re friends had left it behind after a weekend hangout and had never asked for it back, so it technically wasn’t yours, technically. 

“Bubba, what is it?”

Leah reached for the box, picking up the two bags, the bags that you felt like held your whole life together. 

“Cocaine, it’s just a little bit of coke, my friends were using it before parties, I didn’t like it, it made me feel dizzy and it hurt my head.”

The cocaine bit was a lie, but the fact you didn’t like cocaine wasn’t, it was the kind of stimulant which put you into over drive, the high lasted no where near as long and it made you feel like you weren’t making sense.

You were hoping she would believe the cocaine, inevitably, cocaine was a pissy drug. Leah would have been at thousands of parties were cocaine was handed around, hell, you were fairly certain your mother had taken plenty of it. Cocaine was less addictive, good cocaine was also stupidly expensive, the value of it was fucked. Meth was cheap but a thousand times more addictive, cocaine was a better like. 

“Lia, get rid of it.”

Your mom handed the bag of joints over to Lia, as well as the bags of drugs, shoving them into her hands like they were burning her hands. “I don’t even know what to say to you bubba.”

Your mom looked genuinely at a loss for words, her eyes kept darting between your eyes and your hands, which were shaking in front of you. 

“Mom, I promise, it was only a one time thing, really, I was just keeping it for my friends.”

As soon as the tears started spilling down Leah’s face you knew it was about to get bad. 

She walked over to your desk, pulling the chair out from it and dragged it across the room until it was directly in front of you, your mother taking a seat. 

Her hands came out to rest on your knees, they were shaking like yours, not as badly but still shaking, though for different reasons you assumed. 

“You told me the weed was a one time thing, that was a lie. I don’t know what to believe anymore, you’ve put me in a impossible situation, bubba. On one hand, I want to believe you. I want to believe the kid I raised, on the other hand you haven’t given me reason to. You broke my trust, you lied to me, you broke the house rules. I don’t ask a lot of you, I let you get away with more than your ma would let you, and I was fine with it because you were showing me you were a good kid, but now I honestly don’t know what to think. You told me it was just the vapes, I thought you were using a little bit to much nicotine and now it turns out that you’re smoking pot and doing drugs. You’ve been hiding and lying and I just don’t get why. Why bubba? Tell me why.”

Big tears were dripping from your mothers eyes, big, wet, fat tears pooling in her icey blue eyes. 

“I don’t know, okay? I’m sorry mom, I’m really sorry. I’m sorry. I love you, I didn’t mean it, it was just some fun, it was a one time thing, I promise.”

Leah pursed her lips, the same way you were, the sleeve of her shirt was pressed to her face, picking up the tears that were dripping down her jaw. 

“I’m going to go and call your ma, this is a discussion we need to be having together, I need her here for this.”

Little did they know how bad it really was. 

Leah stood up, you thought she would just leave, heading back down to make a call to your ma that would inevitably change your life, instead, she sat down next to you, her arms opening up. 

You leaned into her side, letting her wrap both of her arms around you. 

“I’m sorry mom, I’m sorry.”

It was the only thing you could think of saying, the only thing that sounded right coming off the tip of your tongue. 

“I love you so much my beautiful girl, we’ll figure this out, your ma and I, we’re all going to figure this out.”

Leah held onto you for a little bit longer, her arms tightening onto you like you were holding her down to earth, like she would float away if she didn’t. 

Eventually she let go, her face was puffy and red, her sleeves were red and she sounded all sniffly. 

“I’m going to go and phone Jord, we’re going to sort it all out, we’ll figure this out, okay? We’re both here for you, we both love you so much, you’re our little girl.”

You found it weird how easy it slipped off of her tongue, you wondered if she actually believed that she meant it, you wondered if when your mother said it that she meant it without really meaning it. There were words but there were no actions to support those words, just empty syllables and letters all formed together in a intricate lie. 

You watched as Leah limped her way out of your room, her bad leg trailing behind her good one, rule number one of parenting a child you now know is drug addicted, never leave them alone in a room they can escape from when you’ve just confronted them. 

[rosenclaws]

Can I request 15 and 34 from the fluff prompt list with either Logan or Charlie, please? Congrats on 600!! 💙💛💙💛💙💛💙💛

Join my 600 Follower celebration!!

15 - “I’m asking because I’ve seen the way you look at me.”

34 - “I shouldn’t be allowed to be this happy.”

a/n: Thank you for requesting!!! Funny enough though they're both fluff prompts this somehow turned angsty dasflk;j im so sorry i do it to myself

He's hiding something. You know he is. Logan has just been different. I mean he was always grumpy and short tempered but this was something else. You thought, or well you had hoped that your time in the void had really bonded you.

You were trash from another universe while he had gotten dragged through hell by Wade. He got you and you got him. You were a failure to your universe so they pruned you. Logan was the worst variant of Wolverine. Something felt nice about having someone else who was the worst with you.

Ever since you landed in Wade's universe you had only gotten closer. Both of you picking up odd jobs for money until you finally landed a steady bakery job. Horribly early hours and lots of hard work but it meant you could be home by lunch. Logan was often out late too. He wouldn't tell you what he was doing but he came back with enough rent money so you didn't question him. You used to eat lunch together. It was a way to make sure the both of you were actually taking care of yourselves. It wasn't anything fancy. Just sandwiches or pasta or something easy.

But for some reason Logan has been avoiding you. Constantly. To the point where he'd leave the room if you were there. It was really starting to bug you. You don't know what's going on with him. You catch him staring sometimes. His eyes are worn and broken. When you try and approach him they harden right back up and he stalks away. It was infuriating.

You finally reached your boiling point when you came home early from work one day. Your back aching and you're dead tired. You lean your forehead against the door, just taking a moment. Then you hear him laugh. You know it's him. He's got this unmistakable snort that he tries to hide but he can't. So he's just avoiding you, no one else. Its you. You're the problem and you don't understand why. In a fit of anger you slam the door open.

"Out! Everyone except for you." You point at Logan. The room clears quickly. Wade opens his mouth to say something but you glare with a ferocity so strong he shuts up.

"Good luck kitty cat!" He whisper yells before hurrying out the door.

"What?" Logan grumbles, his eyes averting to the ground. You scoff and throw your things on the couch.

"What is your problem? You've been avoiding me."

"Why do you fucking care? Not like we were close anyways." He asks with a roll of his eyes.

"Bullshit Logan. I'm asking because I’ve seen the way you look at me. I see you across the room look so sad but the moment I even take a step you're back to this shit." You gesture to his closed off stance.

He's running from you and you demand to know why. He puffs out his chest and stands up. Mumbling about how ridiculous this is and tries to walk away from you.

"Logan! For fucks sake!" You follow him, your anger morphing into confusion as he continues to run.

"Just tell me what I did?!" Your voice breaks as the desperation comes out. You just want him back.

"Nothing!" He growls as he turns back to face you. Slamming his hand against the wall. You jump as he cages you in. He's breathing hard as he stares at you. This is the closest you've been in weeks.

"Nothing. You didn't do anything wrong." His voice is softer, sadder.

"There has to be something Logan. I miss you." He sighs and clenches his fist.

Fuck he thought he could avoid this. That he could get you to run away before he fucked it all up but for some reason you're still here.

"I shouldn’t be allowed to be this happy. I mean just look at me.” Logan thinks so low of himself. He always has. He's a fucked up lost cause. Everyone he cares about dies or gets hurt and its always his fault.

"You make me happy." He confesses.

You make him feel unlike anything else. Like he's not the monster he was. You look at him and he just, smiles. It's weird and strange and a feeling he's not used to. It scares him to his core.

"Man you really are stupid." You say in disbelief.

"I...What?" Logan looks confused but you grab his face and kiss him.

He stumbles back in surprise but ends up taking control quickly. Pushing you against the wall and digging his hands into your hips.

"You make me happy too Logan, so please don't run away from me."

You comb your fingers through his hair as you tug him closer to you. He closes his eye as he leans his forehead on yours. The urge to shut you out is there, listening would be easier but there's a chance at real happiness right in in front of him and he'd be a fool to ignore it.

"Fuck it." He grabs your waist and pulls you tight. Smashing his lips onto yours in a messy kiss.

He can be selfish, just this once.

Just for you.

[caligvlasaqvarivm]

ok im not going to tag this but i need you guys to know that my endgame ships for eridan and karkat are

eridan ♦️ karkat

eridan ♥️ roxy

roxy ♦️ calliope

eridan ♠️ calliope

karkat ♥️ calliope

i call it "the polycule only a blood player could love" and although it manages to be perfectly healthy, from the outside, everyone looks like they're cheating on everyone else. nepeta is staring at it going ":33 < dodged a fucking bullet!!!"

Eridan ♦️ Karkat

the ship with the most canon backing. this ship needs to be true before all other ships can be true because it keeps the two of them normal enough to have a shot at romancing anybody else. nobody realized they were pale for each other for an embarrasingly long time because their regular day to day conversations feature slurs and death threats. sometimes looks pitch or flushed from the outside because karkat is a mess who can't stop yelling at people he's trying to romance in the red quads, and because eridan gets really needy sometimes.

Eridan ♥️ Roxy

They get together within five minutes of knowing each other and, despite Rose's protests, never ever break up. Eridan is into cute, pink, bubbly, nice girls, and Roxy is into eccentric troubled princes. Not to mention she fucking loves wizards, and Eridan is a wizard, and that they're both hipsters who use rifles. Also Eridan is weird as hell and Roxy thinks he's hilarious for it. Despite the fact that he puts on this unpleasant, nasty act, he'll pretty much do anything Roxy tells him to, and she likes that. She thinks he has himbo energy. Everyone else thinks she's deranged. Like girl that guy is an insane murderer. Girl he will not stop saying slurs

also their specific abilities are diametrically opposed in an interesting way? prince of hope = can destroy anything he believes he can destroy, rogue of void = can create anything by stealing away its nonexistence. neat!

Roxy ♦️ Calliope

since they aren't trolls and don't need to calm each other down, it's not really a proper moirallegiance, but they're bffffffs and the kinds of silly fun-loving gals who would call their friendship a moirallegiance even if it doesn't have the biological components or serve the social function of one. Two girls that just love each other.

Eridan ♠️ Calliope

biologically, cherubs only engage in pitch romances and are attracted to other cherubs that remind them of the other half they lost in predomination. what i'm saying is that calliope - unfortunately for her - has brother issues. initially put off by eridan's superficial similarities to caliborn - his bluster, his riflekind, his insane logic and thick skull, and how damn often he talks about murder - as they get to know each other, the feeling becomes mutual. eridan is generally totally ok with outright hostility, but calliope's faux-nice smugness when taunting an opponent would drive him nuts, as would the earnestness with which she approaches magic (what kind of POSER needs to RELOAD their WAND), and in general, i think he'd take her genuine well-wishes toward other people as a personal affront, a la "i didn't ever need anybody to look after me!"

they somehow have a 50/50 win ratio at the board games they play, which drives calliope nuts. "believing in your pieces" is not a valid chess strategy!!!!!!!!!

also i think it's fun and thematic, the angel killer and the cherub, whose adult form features hope-shaped wings.

Karkat ♥️ Calliope

We know two things from his crush on terezi: the first is that karkat is into clever, cunning gals, and the second is that he's really fucking messy, the kind of guy who would tell his flushed crush to "set the table on his bone bulge for their candle light hate date." Fortunately, or unfortunately??? for calliope, the fact that he will scream obscenities at her is kind of what she's into. everybody, please, a moment of silence for calliope, who somehow manages to have worse taste in men than roxy.

but yeah more seriously, karkat has a big and loving heart, and so does calliope, while calliope maintains a cleverness and intellect that karkat would be into.

normally, it would be a huge problem for your moirail to be pitch for your matesprit, and we have that both ways here. however, a few factors are mitigating that here. first, eridan will always prioritize karkat or roxy over calliope when they're around. this actually does kind of piss her off, although she feels annoyed that it does. second, calliope is generally mature enough to compartmentalize. third, karkat WILL auspicetize if they aren't careful, and nobody wants that. and fourth, everybody wants to keep roxy happy.

but yeah everyone else watching it is like. are you guys okay? blink if you need help

ofc ship what you want to ship this is not at all me telling you what you should be into. im just saying that these ships have been calculated for Maximum Funnyness, which as we know, is the only objective measure for what makes a good homestuck ship

[artfreaksmeout]

Less toxic and less family problems KP universe VegasPete Au

This goes along with the art I did for Inktober day 10. Just what I think the story may go.

Kinn and Vegas still don’t get along but it’s in a more competitive way and clash a lot but they don’t wanna kill each other and would protect the other in a life or death situation.

The first time Vegas and Pete meet is when Pete gets recruited. Vegas thinks “talented but not much else” Pete thinks “hot”

Vegas sees more of Pete since he gets assigned to missions with Kinn or on missions to help the minor family and he’s impressed with how well Pete works and carries out missions. His interest in Pete starts to grow. He’s kinda hot when he’s fighting and shooting people but he’s too nice for Vegas’ taste. Always so polite and bland.

One day Vegas says something a little condescending and Pete replies with something sarcastic (while rolling his eyes)

And Oh, This is the first time Vegas has ever seen Pete not be a perfect little guard. He usually awkwardly laughs and just smiles politely but this? The slight attitude? That’s new.

Suddenly he starts paying attention to Pete in order to see these little slip ups. These little moments of Pete being bratty and sarcastic. He starts to notice the little snide comments, the slight eye rolls.

He also starts to notice the interest in Pete’s eyes when he’s over looking an interrogation especially when it’s Vegas himself carrying out the questions and the torture. Now Vegas is even more interested.

He starts flirting with Pete. Making suggestive comments here and there, watching Pete get red and flustered. He loves it.

Pete has enough of it one day and he snaps. Grabs Vegas by his damn silky shirt and kisses him like he’s a starving man.

And that’s the start of this thing between them. Vegas pushes, teases and flirts until Pete gives in and suddenly they’re going at it in different parts of the Major Family home. And it’s not just fucking, they talk afterwards sometimes. Cuddle other times.

Then one day, Vegas is having a shit day. Everything is going wrong. He’s on edge and now he’s in a meeting with Kinn and Kinn is yelling and frustrated. Vegas can’t take it. He’s suddenly thinking of how his dad was. Always criticizing. Always yelling. Always finding fault in him. He gets up and leaves. Kinn ends the meeting and Pete goes after Vegas discreetly.

He catches up to Vegas and pulls him into an empty room. He tries to approach Vegas calmly. He gets it, he has experienced similar things. His dads abuse and how sometimes you can’t get away from the scars they leave you with. He tries to calm Vegas down, talk to him about his dad and how he’s not in the wrong. Vegas listens but then, he laughs. Void of any feelings.

“You think just cause I’m fucking you, you get to tell me anything?” And Pete freezes because yea, he didn't think Vegas was in love with him or anything foolish like that. But he at least thought they had something. Some kind of understanding. Hell, friendship even. He was too dumb to realize Vegas didn’t even see him as anything more than just some guy he puts his dick in. He leaves and Vegas realizes he fucked up big time the moment he hears the door close.

Vegas tries to approach Pete the next time he sees him. Hopes that Pete may pretend that the whole interaction never happened but the minute Pete sees him coming, He leaves. Doesn’t stop or look back even when Vegas calls out his name. Vegas feels like shit everytime Pete ignores him, because he likes pete. Goddamn it he Loves him. But he’s an asshole who doesn’t know how to control his feelings and anger and he fucks shit up by saying dumb hurtful things he doesnt mean.

So he tries what he knows best and starts throwing money at the problem. His past “lovers” always seemed to cheer up when he got them the newest tech or the fanciest clothes. So he starts sending Pete anything and everything he can think of and yet… that seems to piss Pete off even more. He even stopped ignoring Vegas just to throw the new fancy watch he gifted Pete at Vegas and said “I’m not some cheap whore you can buy your way into sleeping with” he walks away before Vegas can say anything.

Vegas is suffering because he has no idea what to do. He just wants to go back to how things were. No. He wants more. He wants to go on dates with Pete. He wants to spend as much time as possible as he can with him. Share special moments with him but now he’s fucked it all up with one single sentence.

He’s back at the Major family compound again when Porsche pulls him aside and calls him an idiot. Porsche has had enough of seeing Pete go from being sad to being angry at the mention of Vegas’s name. He had to do something so he tells Vegas to pull his shit together and just fucking talk to pete like a normal person and apologize from the heart. If Pete still didn’t forgive him he would have to suck it up and leave Pete alone.

He goes to find Pete. He finds him on his way to the kitchen. The minute Pete sees him he turns to walk away but this time Vegas is faster, he grabs Pete's arm and drags him to the nearest room. He begs Pete to listen to him. He apologizes and tells Pete that he’s the best thing that’s ever happened to him and that he’s a giant idiot for ruining that . Pete stays silent and Vegas thinks “He’s never going to forgive me”

Pete punches him. And then drags him into a kiss. And oh god, it’s the best feeling in the world after Pete ignoring him for weeks. Pete pulls away and tells Vegas “if you ever say anything like that to me ever again, I won’t forgive you”

They keep making out for a bit longer until they get caught by Kinn and three other bodyguards. Turns out the room they had walked into was one of the meeting rooms Kinn uses. Pete Is dying of embarrassment and Vegas just smirks at Kinn’s disgusted face. Ha, as if he isn’t sleeping with a bodyguard also.

I won’t be writing this into a fic but I couldn’t get the idea out of my head so this is just parts of the story I thought up lol.

[emilykaldwen]

Are fanfic authors desperate for comments. Yes, we are. There is nothing worse than shouting into the void.

But when you comment on a fic, think twice about your comment. If you are only expressing your dislike, then that is not a good comment to leave. Because you know what an unhappy comment signals? I am so upset by something in this chapter/story I have absolutely nothing nice to say and I need to focus on nitpicking/expressing my character or plot dislike.

I cannot tell you how many times I've seen my friends receive comments and when the commenter replied back to the author go 'I wouldn't be here if I didn't like the story!' or 'No I really like it!' Did you? Because nothing in your comments had indicated anything about enjoying the story.

A good rule is 'Hey, I really loved these specific thing and here's why' and if your paragraph of dislike is LARGER than your 'I liked this' portion of the comment, maybe switch that. Because this isn't a youtube comment section, this isn't debate class, nor is it Goodreads.

It's an author on the other side of the screen doing something intensive that brings THEM joy, and they share to connect in that joy with others. And you just wrote a paragraph (or sometimes more!) telling them what you didn't like with nothing about the things you have been enjoying. How is anyone meant to take that as anything but you not liking their story so much you needed to yell it at them.

When an author receives a bunch of comments of people complaining about things, you know what that leads to? people not finishing their story. Because why would they if all they ever receive are unhappy people in their comment sections.

This is why telling people you liked their work is important.

[this is not about my comment section, this is about what I've been seeing in other comment sections and it's been leaving me utterly flabbergasted like what the hell my dudes???]

[little-pup-pip]

Not a request, but I wanted to ask if you have any advice for running a blog like this? I have an agere moodboard/stimboard blog and have had it for a while now but still don't have any requests, I don't know if there's a way I can make myself more known in the community? I really enjoy making this stuff but it's kind of sad to see nobody see my content or request stuff for me

Hey friend, this is an interesting question!! I've answered a similar one before, which I recommend checking out! I've tried to make my answers here different from that post, but all I can really tell you is what seems to work for me, so I hope this helps!

1. Consistent posting!! I'm talking at least a post a day. I have posts already queued up for the next five days, because consistent posting helps people see my new stuff and helps me keep a consistent posting schedule!!

2. In that same vein, the more you post in general, as long as you use the agere tags, the more likely people are to see it! My posts had the highest general visibility when I was posting three new moodboards a day!!

3. I've said it before and I'll say it again, a good way to get requests is to post self indulgently about things that inspire you!! Not only because chances are someone else likes the same things you do, but because it allows people to see the style of boards you're offering! I started my blog by making a bunch of posts about bluey, after all!!

4. It always helps to engage with others in the community! Reblog stuff with nice tags, comment on posts, request stuff from others, play people's games, and be an active and friendly person!! Even if it doesn't boost engagement on your account (it probably will), you can make friends this way!

5. I've also said this before, but I firmly believe that focusing on notes is not a good way to run a Tumblr blog. This is the post into the void, post for yourself first, yell about cool things with your friends site!! I understand that not getting new requests or lots of engagement is frustrating, but not everything needs to get hundreds of notes, just try your best!

6. I want you to remember that sometimes it's all about luck. In my case, I got a lot of my followers before making moodboards was common on agere Tumblr at all, which was lucky. Just try your best, you never know when something you make will end up being popular! Finally, try to have fun, because that's what we're all here for!!

[karlachismylife]

Venting about transphobia and homophobia (no details, just in general) and my struggles with gender identity, I just had to yell into the void because yeah

The fucking whiplash between getting constantly subtly gender affirmed here on Tumblr by people casually using different pronouns/gendered words for me and just seeing a nice accepting community with all kinds of beautiful people both cis and trans coexisting and effortlessly - and then talking to someone outside it who is passive aggressively transphobic (not to me per se but it doesn't make it any better). And the only response to confronting them about it is "erm I didn't say anything" yeah bitch you didn't have to, you gave off enough signals without running around yelling death threats.

Makes me angry because it took me such a long time to come to terms with me actually being the most comfortable identifying as genderqueer. I was so mad at myself for potentially just "following the trend" cuz I barely encountered dysphoria and I was comfortable with my assigned at birth name and pronouns. With my parts. I am still regularly falling into the pit of doubt cuz what if I'm just confused. Because I don't have any "factual" evidence of being queer outside the fact that saying that feels so much more right than saying any other gender.

bitch sometimes i still doubt that i even am pansexual becuse my sense of self is so warped and even my priviledged life doesn't have much affirmation and support because no one wants to get 6-10 years of prison for being in the "extremist movement of LGBT". why are you making it harder for me to cling to any little thing i think i know about myself.

I hate that someone managed to package transphobia as some sort of feminism and sell it to people.

The only thing I'm clinging to is the fact that identifying myself with a monkey/ape stuck with me so much longer and tighter than identifying with any gender. It might be a stupid thing to use as proof, but it's just. The fact that I do not have any solid ties to any gender identity is what I'm trying to express so clumsily. I am literally more sure in my place outside human society than in its gender spectrum. It's such an undefined thing that I probably will never feel confident about it.

But I know for a fact that my heart sings when someone drops a they/them referring to me. And you know who you are, but your "good boy, sweet girl" in a row is stuck with me forever. And you with your "wife, gender neurtal" too.

those are small things but they fucking mean actually the world to me.

[wyntereyez]

I think this is the last scream into the void before I have a post about myself. Part Five is about my siblings. Well, mostly my sister, the golden child.

I actually don't have much to say about my siblings. I love them, I sometimes want to kill them, and for the most part, we get along.

Even my half siblings, who I actually don't refer to as my half siblings but have only been doing so for the sake of making it easier to differentiate them here without using names. It wasn't always like that. I was jealous of them for getting the attention I wasn't, and I mostly ignored them, but sometime was cruel (not horribly cruel, but I wasn't nice.) Thankfully, I got over that before they were old enough to notice, and we get along really well.

I also have surprisingly few problems with my brother. You'd think my Dad's only son would get more privileges than anyone else, and sometimes it felt like it, but those privileges weren't favoritism. For example, I had my own room, and my brother and sister shared one. Eventually, my sister was moved into my room, which I hated. But I get it. Hell, I even know that it's a CPS offense to have a boy and girl sharing a room after a certain age. I wasn't happy, but I got it. And when my brother started getting the front seat of the Chevy S-10 and I was stuck in the back...well, he's 6'. He literally could not fit. Again, I get it, and the problem was eventually solved with new vehicles, but it still sucked. About the only problem I've truly had with my brother was when we had an apartment together and he had trouble taking turns doing dishes. I blame this on my Dad; my brother wasn't used to actually doing dishes because I was always doing them.

And then there's my sister.

She was four when my parents divorced. Because she'd had so little time with our mother, she seemed to adapt the easiest. Also, she was a Daddy's Girl, so she was fine because she had her favorite parent.

Unfortunately, because my Dad wanted to minimize her trauma, she was spoiled. She got the most presents, she got to do the most school activities, she didn't have to do chores until much, much later... When we had our Evil Step Monster, I think she handled it better because she didn't grow up being constantly yelled at, and wasn't afraid to be stubborn.

She never got grounded for standing up to That Woman.

And unfortunately, she still expects people to just do things for her, while not being so good about reciprocating. Things include:

One Christmas, she nagged and nagged and nagged at me to buy her a certain expensive present that she needed now, rather than wait until my next paycheck. She assured me she'd get me a present in return. She didn't.

She wouldn't let me in the bedroom when I was visiting from college. I had no bedroom in the house since they'd basically moved me out entirely when I went to stay on campus. Which meant that I was basically limited to the living room, kitchen, and bathroom during my home visits. I had no place to hide from That Woman.

When my sister got married, she called me to ask if I had money for 'the dress.' I had no clue WTF she was talking about, and when I asked, she said, "Well, you're gonna be a bridesmaid, you know." No, actually, I didn't. Because you didn't ask me.

Like my Dad, she expected me to drop everything and come watch her house and dogs whenever she and her husband went somewhere. She made it sound like she was the one doing me a favor by letting me watch Netflix. A couple of times, I was working somewhere an hour and a half drive's away. She still expected me to watch the dogs with zero compensation despite the long drive.

She completely ignores my issues. I mentioned once that was looking for a new job because I'd had an anxiety attack working retail. She immediately tried to get me to apply for a job that required me to sit at a desk and talk to people all day, a job that would cause major anxiety issues. When I told her no, she got annoyed because she was 'just trying to help.'

She's very protective of our Dad. From things she says, she seems to have this impression that I'm the spoiled one that got everything I ever wanted and whenever I asked for help, I was using him. Yeah, that's not how I remember it.

Her help is very conditional. Remember the fiasco with my brother's wedding? Where I didn't have a lot of cash, and she assured me she'd help, and even picked out a flight that fit her schedule for pick-up and drop-off. It was at an airport an hour away, rather than the much closer one I'd originally planned to fly into, and she was the only one who'd be able to get me. I doublechecked with her before buying the ticket. And then she started changing things on me, telling me she couldn't drive me to the wedding we were both going to, telling me she might not be able to drop me off at the airport, telling me that actually, no, I couldn't stay with her after all and I needed to find a hotel in three days or she definitely wouldn't pick me up and drop me off. This is why I canceled. Even my Dad was pissed at her for this.

She's also very controlling. Last year, I had been considering going to California for fun. My sister immediately said I should come visit instead. It would be cheaper! You know, spend my money to go back to the place I escaped from, where I didn't have fun. And I'd have to stay at a hotel. Preferably one with a pool, so she could bring her boys to swim! So this 'cheaper' vacation would have been me in a hotel in an area with very little to do, waiting for her to visit on her own time, probably renting a car because that would be the ONLY way to get anywhere. And even then, there's nothing in that area I haven't seen a million times, so leaving the hotel wouldn't even be worth it.

Ahem, anyway... Being far away from family is very good for me.

[butchcarmy]

no pressure to answer at all. i want to say i appreciate your writing, and personally would wait however long it takes for you to want to write again. rest is important!

now i’ve got a little praise:

i <3 how the reader is not fem. when im reading other gifs i sometimes get crazy dysphoria because of smthn the reader does and you just characterize them so perfectly & i love u for it 🫶

ur character dialogue is amazing! you really nail characters unique linguistic styles, and the conversations you write feel so naturalistic.

ur work oozes style, you have a wonderful ability of making scenes incredibly vivid and easy to picture. every time i finish one of your works i can’t wait to read more

oh, and yeah i relate to carmy too, his family situation is scarily similar to mine in several ways

AIIOUOUUGHAGHSGHGSGHHS <3

Reading this ask made yell and kick my feet a little I ain’t even gonna lie to you man. Sometimes it’s hard writing and posting stuff into the void, so hearing all this is so nice🥹all of these things you mentioned are things I really work hard on, so thank you SO much💙!!!!!

You’re just like me tho like…it’s kinda impossible to find carmy reader fics with gender neutral readers. There’s nothing wrong with writing female readers at all, I still enjoy and love them so much, but if I’m writing it… I’m gonna make it for me, someone who’s non-binary! I don’t wanna get she/her’ed!

And yeah… there’s a lot of like carmy out there, huh? Thanks for sharing that with me. Cheers to shitty family situations

[bpd-diary-confessions]

i need your assistance

hello :)

does anyone else deal with these things? I don't know if it's escalating to a different level, or if it's something else within... it's just really getting too overwhelming.

EMOTIONS

Depression

Incredibly sad to the point where it physically hurts, crying a lot

Suicidal ideation and wanting to die every day

Feeling helpless and at the mercy of growing old and having to put up with this forever

Hating everyone and everything so much that i can’t stand living

The glands in my throat are swollen all the time from feeling sad and crying (they hurt)

Anger/frustration

High intensity - feel like my neck and shoulders are so compact and tight with energy that I could get a headache. Sometimes it feels like my blood changes temperature and my eyes go black

Can be set off by big things

Example: relationship issues, or dealing with humans/friends

Example: dirty environments and housemates not cleaning, so i have to do everything to feel comfortable walking barefoot at home

Example: conversational tone

Can be set off by small/irrelevant things

Example 1: being in a tight environment (tight spaces where people get in the way or i myself get in the way because of the furniture), tripping over or bumping into walls or whatever

Example 2: sounds and textures

Sound examples: saliva (really gets into my brain nerves), wet shoes on floor, breathing, housemates footsteps, temperature (hot days) and internal textures (i.e. bloat), loud noises on the road, loud noises in general (not music - unless i can’t hear what customers are saying over the bands), gentle quiet noises, 

Example 3: wanting to do something immediately in that moment so it’s done, but can’t because it’s relying on something else or someone else → calling someone back but they don’t answer

If i trip over my words, or feel my sentences are too long

Intense jealousy

Ends up with me hating myself and thinking i’m completely useless and void of having any real life

Makes me want to beat everyone at the game and be the best, but it’s so intense and hot that it doesn’t last because i’m immediately sad again

Incredibly low self-esteem – makes me want to stop eating all the time and when I can’t do it, I feel even worse

Elation

Doesn’t last for a long time

Very intense and tied in with anger when I can’t execute tasks at a certain time or place due to restrictions

Example 1: I feel inspired to write a song or learn a song, but can’t because I’m not at home, or when I am home, housemates are sleeping or I feel uncomfortable making sound, or my room is too small and things are in the way. → I start to feel incredibly angry and frustrated and then either push through or give up.

Related to music or creative desire usually

Fear

Men (young to old)

Being yelled at, DV

Driving and being on the road - feeling like my eyes don’t move fast enough and i’m living in a visual blur all the time - i don’t trust my brain and eyes

That i’ll be living until i’m old

Sex 

Overwhelmed

When i get too stressed or too many things are happening

Too many sounds

Content/normal

Able to get on with the day, do some cleaning and laundry

Pace myself with practice and leisure

Able to be happy at work

Can function pretty nicely

[astranite]

vent post because I am a mess and i've just got to stick it all somewhere. I don't even know what or why I'm putting it here. Just there is way too much inside my head.

(trying to stick all of my intensely personal bullshit under a cut)

Just a whole pile of stuff. (this isnt even the half of it). A whole bunch of things I thought i was okay about but maybe I'm really not. And that maybe my whole scale of okayness is kinda fucked up. And i seem to randomly swing from telling myself this is fine to no wait its all pretty fucked up. Basically that meme of the dog in the on fire house going this is fine. Welcome to everything is on fire but we're not freaking out about it because we're past that point. But sometimes it feels honestly okay and then something else hits.

Nothing in my life is even that bad. I'm getting my shit together. Its probably better than it has been in a while (or maybe its not, i dont know). I'm making positive progress towards the future. I drafted a job application. I'm trying to unfuck my tertiary studies. I literally keep telling myself I'm an adult, even though I feel like a fuck up kid still.

I just want to move the hell out. So I'm making steps towards it. Not because its bad, bad. More conflicting access needs I guess. And I feel trapped here and on guard and responsible for everything. Or Im just a problem or have problems because clearly everyone else is fine but that's probably not a great way to think.

Not sure what I'm feeling right now. Actually mostly just numb and vaguely ill. Yay for crushing down all your emotions until you can't feel them any more. Because, yeah, I can't be upset about things. It scares and worries people and I'm already way too intense.

And when I do it, i seem calm and fine to people, and hey neither crying nor panicking has be a good thing. Except I'm blank when I know I'm upset or would be, and its not fine. Honestly probably a bit messed up. Huh.

(I know its not good for me. I am so very aware of this) (i know hiding stuff is literally one of my biggest 'things are getting bad' red flags)

I'd probably be way more okay if I was crying and yelling and getting mad about stuff. Instead of just quietly, calmly imploding. Or walking around and smiling and acting normal. (its only sometimes, not all the time. And just happens to be right now)

Also past shit keeps metaphorically walking up to me, and maybe I didn't process it great. because its evidently still bothering me even though its years ago.

(Yes, realising some of this stuff was a That moment when you're writing and you realise that wow character has a whole bunch of issues. Then that was at least 50-70% me.)

I do keep picking myself up from the floor over and over because I'm too stubborn not to.

Also: I'm so sick of being misgendered by family. Like they do support me and are trying with different pronouns. But getting it right barely any of the time. And if I call them out on it to correct them, then they get upset. So I just have to put up with it silently, and yeah, she's trying, so I feel like I can't be upset about it but it still hurts, and maybe its not good enough. And I don't even know whether I could change my name, at least not without upsetting peopl, I've been told "please don't change you name, I like your name" but I don't even know if it feels like me. It's like people are supportive, but being nonbinary or trans or anything isn't actually a valid option. They/them isn't that hard if you practice it and even if it is it's still very much important to me. And none of them think of me as such which is maybe the problem. Except my friends, who actually do get it right which is nice.

I guess I'm struggling. And also all my friends and family have way too much of their own stuff going on.

So stupid vent post yelling into the void, it is then. Maybe I'm just being dramatic about it all.

I'd say I'm okay and don't worry (if anyone's even fucking reading this) but that would probably be more concerning. But I'll survive this like I survived every other fucking thing the universe has thrown at me.

(and I will and have asked for help, so stuff is at least sort of getting sorted, because this is not my first mental health rodeo.)

[s0ngsandstars]

Excuse me can you please clarify about the ghost

How other people saw her too ????????

Okay, so while I was growing up, there was this ghost of this little girl that would sometimes appear at my house. I think her name was Matilda? Based off of clothing I put her at roughly 1850-60's for when she was from. I loved her dress a lot, it was very pretty. She didn't say a word, but I'd talk to her, and I'd like.. suddenly just know the answer if I asked her a question? Sometimes she appeared and she looked normal, other times she'd appear and she was severely burned, so I'm pretty sure she passed in a fire.

I think my parents thought she was an imaginary friend at first? But then my dad saw her in the laundry area one day. At first he thought she was me, because we were similar heights, but I was next to him, and the girl had vanished after only being there like a second.

Other people have seen little glimpses of her. But it's been many years now since anyone has seen her, including me. I hope she's happy wherever she is now.

She's not the only ghost, there's also the man in the basement. But I don't like him. He's kinda scary. And people that aren't family have seen him, he scared my brother's friend once when they'd came to visit.

His name is William and every time I've seen him he's been standing in the darkest corner of the basement. Sometimes he moves things (like we heard a loud crashing and breaking glass once, and we found that a box of plates had been shoved off of where they'd been put). I've heard him yell before (specifically it was "shut up" very loudly when my dad and his friend were talking in the fully finished portion of the basement).

He has no face, it's just a black void that doesn't reflect any light, and he wears nice clothes that are mostly brown/beige and red. My dad hasn't seen him, but has had to deal with William moving stuff around, so he knows he's there. Still makes fun of me for being afraid of the basement, but geez that shadow man does not have good vibes.

[kadolade]

Opening My Stupid Mouth: A Highschooler’s Eighth Rant

”'Cause I still believe in miracles, I swear I've seen a few And the time will surely come when you can see my point of view I believe in second chances And that's why I believe in you”

— Pollyanna (I Believe In You) by Catherine Warwick

So, there is stuff I have to tell Ciel. There’s always more issues surrounding me and my relationship with Ciel. I used to trust her more than anyone in my entire life, but now I don’t.

I’ve kind of spent my entire life building up walls around myself, to protect myself and subsequently the people I care about. I’ve never really opened up before, and I tend to hide behind jokes and comedy rather than open the gates of all my repressed feelings and emotions. Because the first time I let down my guard a tiny bit, I was hurt. I was hurt, Felix was hurt. And after I, really, I swore to never let my guard down like that again. I wouldn’t trust anyone ever again, I wouldn’t be so foolish as to open my heart up to someone.

And after that, Ciel came around. And after having gone through all… of that, I didn't trust Ciel one bit. I was cold and hardened by my experiences, I wanted to be the protector, I wanted to be strong. I hate feeling weak, I hate feeling small and vulnerable and I hate it I hate it i hate it i hate it.

So I was a dick to Ciel at the start, I was mean and uninterested and I hated her. But then we actually *talked*, and I saw who she really was. Ciel, she’s… she’s wonderful.

Though, I was still guarded. Felix and Lonnie are the only people in the world I trust fully. Lonnie and Felix are the only people I really care about. And you (void) may be going “but Dave if you’re so concerned about vulnerability and shit, why are you ranting about your feelings on the internet?”

And the answer is fuck you that’s why

Anyway, I don’t like talking about my issues and stuff, like sorting it out and analyzing what the root cause is, or what’s even wrong with me. I mean, yeah, I have a lot of repressed trauma but PFFFT!! DON’T WE ALL??!!

I want to tell Ciel about how I feel uncomfortable with her, I have to tell her. She deserves to know. I have to tell her that I want to change my name, I have to tell her I crave her attention and I feel neglected, I have to tell her I struggle to say “I love you” sometimes, I have to tell her that this time of year is when I’m the worst mentally. I have to tell her that even though she’s snapped at me before when I get tired and can’t talk properly, I still love her. I probably come off as uncaring or just distant, but that’s not what’s going on.

She wants me to talk to her, but I don’t think she really understands how scary that is for me. I’ve grown up differently than her. I’m semi-sheltered, I’m probably getting emotionally abused but whatever, I’m not allowed to express my thoughts and feelings properly, my parents are fucking transphobic. Everything I am, they are against. I can’t talk. I don’t feel safe.

I need constant reassurance, I need constant attention, I need constant guidance and comfort. I’m not talking “oh you’re so pretty ahahahahha love you!!” That can be nice, I suppose, but it’s not what I want?

You just have to listen to me when I talk about the shit I like, make me not feel like a loser for wasting your time, but please actually have something to say back.

I need to hear that I’m doing good, that I’m doing this whole relationship thing right, I need to be reassured that I’m not a bad boyfriend, that I’m doing a good job, as lame as it sounds.

Ciel, I’m sorry I yelled at you, and I’m sorry I told you I was uncomfortable with you and that you made me anxious and scared. But I’m not sorry for telling the truth. You wanted to hear it, so I just said it. Not everything, but I said the bare minimum and you ran. You fucking ran. And now I feel like a piece of shit.

I’m sorry that sometimes I just need some time to myself, that I’m emotionally unavailable sometimes, that I get closed off and quiet. I’m sorry that sometimes I just really need you proverbially to cup my cheek and tell me I’m doing right, that I’m getting better and better and that you’re fucking proud of me for my progress..

..instead of leaving me on read when I finally confess what’s been on my mind.

I know you’ll never see this, and if you do: err, hi.

Just

I know shit’s tough being with me, love, but I promise I get better in the end. Or at least I try to. I know sometimes I seem like I hate you or something, and sometimes you not seeing my point of view on stuff annoys me and makes me feel despaired, but I believe in you.

I believe in us.

[charredshadows]

I don't usually post my own stuff, and idek if anyone'll see or care about this, but I gotta put it somewhere. (I pressed a button and a poll appeared?? It won't let me post without giving a question and answers- how do I get rid of it?? Never pressing that button again😬)

So, one of the general not really rules but suggestions or guidelines on describing black characters in your writing is to keep far away from food-type descriptors specifically for skin because it's degrading(I earlier reblogged a good resource for those looking for assistance on this).

However, my brain goes places sometimes, and one of the things you do to give a character a more real feeling, is give them their own ways of viewing the world. Ie: someone who grew-up on the streets would view things differently from those who were born with a silver spoon.

So, if I have a character who thinks about food or how someone's physical characteristics may make them more of a threat, wouldn't it make sense that they think about people in general in those terms?

For example: I have a race\species of humanoid lizards who are just behind humans in their evolution. Hunting, pack\family unit kind of behavior instead of a "society". And they live in a fairly dark place; a flooded kind of forest, very little light actually reaches the muddy murky water, and they evolved to have a darker complexion to blend-in with their surroundings better.

My character that is a part of this species A) is incredibly vapid but surprisingly observant when it come to physical characteristics of someone and if it would make them more of a threat, and B) thinks about food A LOT. I'm still working out the kinks, but currently the species has almost hunted their main prey into extinction, and the problem is only worsening with every new generation born; so those who grew-up with more food than they have now(my dude) would understandably think about what they've lost and see it everywhere. (It doesn't help any that my little guy picked-up a taste for human flesh early into his life.)

So, their might be an interaction between him an a human like this:

Willow flicks an ear at the human in front of him, tail tucked neatly around his front talons. The human is of a dark skin tone, much like his own but a little grey-er. Like the little grey fish he used to catch in the shallows as a hatchling. He misses those fish, but Ebby says greyness in a human's skin is a sign of sickness. He peers a little closer at the shivering human, observing thin arms and legs; not any good for swimming or climbing trees or really defending themselves at all.

I might just be talking in circles and\or making no sense at this point but that's what a blog is for. To air-out all of the stupid thoughts bouncing around your head.

I might do this more often, actually. It feels kinda nice to be able to just yell out into the void.