#me when i said i'm a survivor
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wow i feel really ill that's crazy i wonder why (thinking)
#i have been up for so many hours#this is genuinely like#not okay#me when i said i'm a survivor#guys i think i was lying#i feel so ill it's terrible#like#me head hurts#me tummy hurts#my arms hurt???#my ass does too :(#though that's just from sitting#goddd#i just wanna be in my beddy bye rn#dreaming of my bed while wide awake
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so kusakabe and higuruma Megumi and fucking MEI MEI can survive but Mechamaru Nanako Mimiko and Mai had 2 die. Alright.
#JJK spoilers#Everytime I'm like ''i don't actually care that much I shouldn't be so negative'' I remember that Gege treats disabled characters like shit#And also fucking fumbled some of the characters with the MOST POTENTIAL (THE FUCKING NANAKO MIMIKO AND MAKI MAI PARALLELS)#Anyway I'm killing us allllllllll ❤️#Also I feel like the idea of ''strength'' is never really actually. Fully criticized like maybe I'll have clearer thoughts later but it's#Very much ''dont look down on the weak bc they might be strong'' instead of ''dont look down on the weak bc. They're human beings.''#And that just annoys me personally. Like Suguru is Wrong but the narrative doesn't actually Prove Him Wrong y'know. In the story#He's mostly wrong bc he's the antagonist not bc he's created a whole fucked up worldview as a deeply traumatized teen and then#Created a structure that was abusive not only to the ppl he didnt value but also the ppl he did and NEITHER GROUP IS GIVEN SUFFICIENT FOCUS#AAAAAAAAAGHHHH. <- guy who's interested in cults and cult abuse and wants to see fiction that actually reflects#How cult survivors are affected by said abuse and also recover. Can you tell I'm not over Nanako and Mimiko's deaths because they were#REALLY FUCKING INTERESTING CHARACTERS. CAN YOU. CAN YOU. CAN Y#Somehow everything I write Abt JJK ends up being about how I wish I could enter the story and crucify Geto. I hate that motherfucker#(he's was my first favorite character in the series and even tho he's been rightfully usurped he's genuine fascinating both in general and#Also specifically bc his character touches on some of my preexisting interests and also I feel like no one else understands him.#And when I say that I mean no one else wants to beat him to death with bricks and rocks and blunt weapons for the right reasons like I do)
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My mother confuses the fuck out of me
#i guess she's getting severance checks from her old job?#i mean fuck that's the least they could do after she worked there for 40 years#she only gets 900 a month from my dad's SSI survivor benefits#she went from saying we're struggling financially to suddenly offering to pay for shit i need#that kinda scares me because i think that means she's impulsively spending her savings. which could mean she thinks she's gonna die soon#she's 64 and my dad died at almost 63#like she helped my sister buy my niece a car. it's a 24 year old vehicle and only costed 4k and she paid 2k but 2k is a LOT to us#she said she's been saving my rent money to fix my car for the past couple of months on top of me saving for it#which means we definitely have the money to fix everything by now#but that's not happening all my tires still need to be replaced my ac doesn't work it's making clinking sounds#it stalled while i was driving the other day but turning it off and restarting it fixes it#anyway. the thing is I'm always sus about my mom offering shit.#she likes to hold shit over your head.#I'm very worried that she's gonna fix my car and then use that to control me in some way. because that's how it is every time.#but like.....it's better than not having the help. fuck.#i feel so privileged despite how broke and disabled i am. bc most disabled people dont have this to fall back on#the craziest thing is that the only reason we have this house is bc of my grandparents' inheritance#and neither of them went to college my grandpa was in the army#and my grandma only temporarily worked for jc penney as a bookkeeper#side note my 80 year old grandma was better with computers than most elderly people are today#just from that job? from what i know#when she died my family sold the family house and that's how we put the down payment on this house#which btw only costed 64k in 2012 apparently it's worth 175k now according to zillow#but like. how. i feel like my family being white and christian is the only reason we have all this privilege#i have a headache bye#.bdo
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my best friend (no. 4, i'll start assigning emojis soon for lore followers) asked me about BPD and i told them i'd talk more about it in person because BPD is the exact overlap of my own lived experience (note: i am not diagnosed but have extensive history with BPD in a secret more confusing way) and my psychological interest. but like now i'm thinking about it and generally speaking i think anything that was a symptom towards BPD i experienced has either grown more mild now that i'm out of an active trauma situation, OR has just become part of what i consider my amorphous CPTSD thing,
but i do like. think about the efforts to avoid perceived/real abandonment. and maybe i've not gone to the lengths some folks might with this but to be honest the more i think back to my own personal history the more i realize that i do in fact repeatedly do insane shit to avoid abandonment 😭
#NEVER beating the abandonment issues allegations#haunted by the time someone tried to break up with me and i told them they could cheat on me with other people so long as they didn't leave#ALSO haunted by the idea of breaking up with my ex causing me so much anxiety i was physically sick and begging then like very soon after#i lost pretty much all interest in my ex 😭 ALSO thinking about getting into my first relationship so that person wouldn't leave#ALSO thinking about being unable to sleep at night knowing that if i don't get a job i will never see my dad again (NOBODY SAID THIS)#also almost ******* ****** because my friends were at an unknown location together so i was convinced they hated me#also feeling ******** at the thought of my favorite professor not liking me as a student. & spending my 1st r acting out so id see them#Um. anyway i don't have BPD but i'm never really beating the allegations for it anyway#mostly because BPD and CPTSD are so similar and you have to wonder if they'd be different diagnoses if we didn't have-#-such a carceral system that stigmatizes BPD and certain kinds of survivors and condemns them to never being treated like humans <-#who said that omg...#when i lay it out it doesn't even really sound like i have abandonment issues because these all seem kind of normal#but i think maybe that's insane. I don't know. kisses u with tongue#i'm able to have healthy friendships now sometimes but some people i am deep seededly convinced will leave and betray me#and i don't really know what distinguishes one person from another but it does kill me inside !#Shout out to best friend no. 2 & no. 5. i text one when i'm episodic so i can get her attention & the other i consistently like.#Will do literally anything for so that they don't leave me
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#the thing is. you should believe survivors#also my ex after we broke up tried to go to half of our mutual friend and tell them horrifying stories of abuse he was dealing with#it wasn't even planned smearing campain (I don't think it's his style). he was truly hurt. some things really di happened. some even#happened the way he told it. and some were blowed to 'I went to work with bruises every day' (he was grabbed by hand by other partner once#and had bruises because he was so white-skinned he bruised like from touch)#or how I forced him to live with other man that hated him and turned his life to hell (he forgot to mention that it was my disabled brother#he flew away from our abusive mother as soon as he turned 18 and I gave him shelter. after asking partners to consider this seriously#because it's big commitment. I also stated several times that I'm willing to move out with him if it's unpleasant. also this 'living hell'#was him ignoring my partner completely after he yelled on him several times because as he said he didn't ran away from home#to suffer yelling again)#so yeah. it didn't work that time because my friend actually know everything from me long before my ex came to them#they nodded politely and never talked to him again#but it lingers. and it majes me look really critically at any call out or accusation.#person could be really hurt. really harmed even. and still there could be biases or misunderstanding or any human messiness#it sounds like girl had a horrifying experience. it also looks like she kept illusion of being fully on board and loving it.#was it believably? or he just didn't care#did he pick her because she was young and inexperienced? or because she told him she's interested in bdsm?#did he tried to help her when she was in bad place? or was he calculatingly buying her silence?#was he creepy or was he awkward?#honestly I don't know even... what kind of proofs you can get there#like we have her statement. we have objective thing — texts and vids. we can have Gaiman own statement#so what if he will repeat what stated in messages: it was consensual she literally wrote what she want me to do etc#believe survivors. what if everything she told is true too. but also what in messages are true too#what if she was scared and hurt and also told him yes and more and please master. because people are complicated#would he accused of not reading her mind? would there be charges on not checking enough. HOW WRAP MY MIND AROUND IT#like it's all is ne genuinely trying to understand what's next and how it could be wrapped at all#for the record: even if it was absolutely 💯 consensual and girl like completely lying about everything etc#he's still clearly fucked up and things were messy for a lot of reasons. it's bad!#but there's difference between 'it was rape or coercion' and 'it was poorly planned affair and he should've be more considerate of partners#feelings'. and in any way. hope that girl gets help
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if anyone sees this who also endured emotional incest as a child i hope you have a great day and that you're healing. please remember that you're right to be traumatized even if your mind might tell you to minimize the problem because it "could have been worse"
#sorry i'm just thinking about it today#it was so freeing when i went on the csa subreddit and relayed my experience#asking if it counted as csa and they said yes and they gave me#so much support and resources and im still so thankful for them#i wasn't touched physically but emotionally i'm scarred. my mother ruined my childhood.#it was also nice a few years ago when my sister confirmed she also felt traumatized by what our mother had done to us#you'd never be able to make my mom see the error of her ways though. ever.#because in her mind she didn't touch us so it doesn't count#thank you to the fellow survivors who accept people like me. i'm grateful of course that my abuse didn't escalate#and im so so sorry to those for whom it did#i love you so so much everyone#tw csa#tw incest
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[Start ID. A drawing of the Survivor from Rain World. They're spiralling upwards into the air, clutching a grappling worm with limbs askew, above the lizard den halfway up The Wall. They're facing forward, and while their expression is neutral as always, they seem rather eager. The drawing has a light red tone, primarily made up of siennas, whites and dull teals, and has a fairly dramatic sense of scale. End ID]
call that a jetpack joyride (< got attached to their grapple worm and named it jetpack)
#still debating whether i'm supposed to tag/describe them as the survivor or slugcat but i think my current method works#peridots-art#slugcat rain world#rain world#...do i tag them as bugs. decidedly not#grabbed onto a grappling worm to get up the last stretch of The Leg and kept it with me every cycle since. named it pretty much immediately#''jetpack'' isn't the most accurate but i'm not going back on the impulsive decision i made in two seconds#i started drawing this right after reaching the top of the Wall to commemorate the achievement. i thought of the caption Very quickly after#jj was fun and i played it on my aunt's phone when i was younger. nuff said lol#also decided to give the slugcat a dewlap because I thought it'd be cute and it was. bnuuy#i've been to like. 8? of the regions now and i still think the prettiest is The Wall specifically. i just enjoy the palette#spent two weeks in the outskirts and industrial complex and then sped through four regions (gar > shor > shad > ext ) in just over a day#which i still find very amusing. anyway i'm trying to get home (aforementioned first two regions) through chimney and i think that#should be all the tags. goodbye dear tag-wanderer#survivor rain world
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do you ever think about unblocking the person who made the callout about you?
Sometimes, yeah, but then I remember I'm above willingly opening myself up to a brain cell-killing argument with a troglodyte who thinks what a person engages with in fiction indicates in any way, shape, or form what a person's real-world morals are.
#yeah anyone can write about anything they want in fiction#but a storm hawks anti once said it doesn't matter if I'm a csa survivor I still shouldn't write about that kind of stuff#which 100% translates to ''your trauma makes me uncomfortable therefore you're not allowed to talk about it'' :)#and yeah you can try to disagree with that#but whether you realise it or not that's what you're saying when you tell a known csa survivor not to share fiction about their own trauma#that your comfort is more important than their right to talk about their own lived experiences#it's on the same level as telling someone with self harm scars to cover up so they won't trigger people#like no#not to be insensitive but if you're so far gone that a complete stranger's body will send you into a downward spiral#don't leave your house#'cause it's insane to expect the entire world to cater to your specific issues#there comes a point where you need to accept responsibility for your own mental health#and telling anyone not to write something because it might trigger some random stranger who could just block them is the exact same thing#you don't get to tell me what I can and cannot write about#the block button exists and I would recommend you get very fucking comfortable using it
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uhhhh hmmmmm wellllll the power better introduce a trans character soon or so help me
#like. y the last man (hulu version) had trans men among the survivors - which#even if they could have been folded into the narrative a BIT more seamlessly when strangers singled out yorick as a rare sight to see#- basically felt like an accurate reflection of the world we live in#i also am inclined to give y the last man more leniency bc the showrunner had said she had ideas to integrate trans women as well in s2#and also because they spelled out the science more clearly. as strictly a chromosonal thing#and ALSO because idk. just. in vibes. y the last man wasn't fucking at all with the idea of essentialism or the idea that#the Event might be in any way a feminist stroke of luck#but the power is kinda playing with fire (heh) here bc#in the early stages it is seen by many characters as a chance for women to finally have... you know..#power#so it feels like... a miss that the show treats it as an awesome thing that all women and only women happen to have#i kinda think this plot sucks and i hated the book and i'm not surprised that the show maintains the whole like#''what if girl power but then girls were also bad?????'' lame ass attempted logical gotcha#i mean the book lost me when it had a scene where a group of young women at a rally in nigeria#gangraped the only male character who was a sort of feminist in progress#i'm just not buying what this show is selling i fear#ugh. i miss y the last man (hulu version) bring back y the last man!!
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my heart genuinely goes out to every black woman and woman adjacent black person who's hurt by episode 7 like i was by zheng being screwed over*. white dude dumly outsmarting zheng is hurting me because she's the sole character that looks remotely like me. Seeing spanish jackie's bar exploded and that it implies she was foolish enough to accept a fucking grandfather clock from someone she cut the nose off of can't be the best feeling.
Idc if the next episode "fixes" things. The statement has been made and the betrayal has been commited. Things can be mended but it sucks cus for once i let my guard down. I god forbid felt safe. I guess that teaches me a lesson.
"But that was just it - hate was exactly the right word. Hate is a force of attraction. Hate is just love with its back turned." -Terry pratchett
That is where i'm left with this show at this current time. No i will not be taking constructive criticism from white people on this. Only voicing this so that anyone reading and is currently feeling isolated, doesn't feel alone. Cus i don't think many people will point this out.
And i swear to fucking god if any of you white saviour fucks try to twist my pain here into justifying sending hate to the writers or actors then you will get the most biting letter i am able to compose from me. Don't you fucking dare take my pain and try to use it just to get your hateful rocks off.
#ofmd#i am not black i just love olu/ctx for my pfp#but spanish jackie is the only rep black women have in this show so doing her dirty sends a message dude. whether you intend it or not#and why include such an important chinese woman if you're only gonna have her repeatedly get screwed over when she historically didn't get#screwed over once#i swear to god if anyone goes “it's not historically accurate” to excuse woc getting screwed over as if that's not a daily fucking reality#then you will be blocked and reported#not spoiler tagging this on purpose and not warning this on purpose. feel free to block me if you're a victim of this but if you're not a#victim/survivor of racism but wanna trigger warn racism cus it's “hard” for you then please block me as well#your energy is rancid in that case#ofmd essay#i guess#when i said i'm bad at essays i meant it/lh#the reason i'm putting this many caveats is because i've been on the internet for long fucking enough to see all this shit go down#it won't change that shit will go down#but i'd rather be able to just block than try to argue#also fine to reblog as long as you don't try to turn it into a crusade or a call to fucking hate actual people or to try and dehumanise poc#by acting like we're children incapable of defending ourselves or who need protecting#that's not activism either#it's just rude and a micro-agression
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Artificer mains will make their whole personality about hating scavs, you guys will never understand love
#I like arti#But I love scavs too although when I fight them I'm full of whimsy on how clever they are#Or sometimes they just mess up and it's OK it's cool#Need to finish arti but rn I'm on rivulet and spearmaster#Also survivor cause I have a goga now#Makes me sad to think that when I go to metropolis I'm going to kill a shit ton of scavs who are developing new tech#Like the electric spears#Then seem to lose said tech after arti gone
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holy shit. delora doesn't exist within the haven universe anymore, but i absolutely need to have someone use the old dialogue i had planned for her.
delora, comforting heather: if you think about it, we exist in the first place because people care for each other. we exist because people loved each other as far back as adam and eve, and cain and abel.
heather: i think you're thinking of the wrong story. cain killed abel.
delora: i think you can love someone, and still kill them.
HELLO????
#the question is: who would say a line like that#there's a reason it was reserved for delora#she's more poetic. or at least that was her development back then#the implications of the dialogue fit erin but erin isn't poetic enough for it and has no connection to religion#it's actually giving beau vibes tbh and it makes sense given he has survivor's guilt#he thinks he could've prevented the car accident that injured him and killed his best friends#and in his eyes that's the same as actively killing them#WAAAAIT... HOLD ON... I THINK I'M ONTO SOMETHING NOW...#passivity is one of his fatal flaws. and i've been operating under the mindset he is not aware of this issue#but considering he judges his passivity for that action + judges himself for not being able to ''save'' heather#it's obvious he knows. and i feel like that unlocks a lot more character potential to have a character who like#knows what their problem is and they watch themselves cause problems with said problem but they don't know what to do#and he should not only witness when he's passive about others but definitely when he's like that about his own life#bc that's where it's most prevalent. he can take more action when it's someone else but he feels too hopeless to save himself#i didn't even mean to get some brainstorming in there. thought i'd be too tired today#good for me!#ramble#active brainstorming#this also means that josie is beau if he felt no remorse about not taking action and just prioritized himself instead#i already knew they had some serious parallels but hmm....#ok i'm done now. insanity over <3
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i'm sorry about people being insensitive, it hurts a lot when i see people making "edgy" jokes about traumatizing things they assume are fair game for jokes because they think it's too crazy to ACTUALLY happen to someone
yeah honestly it's like... i'm genuinely glad that people don't have trauma around organised crime and shit but it's an extremely common horrific experience. the only reason more people don't talk about it is they're scared to. like i don't say more about shit for a reason regardless of if it was my choice. like, people assume it's so far out there that people might be traumatised by these things, they're this theoretical Other. i see it a lot with brba content for example which, with all due respect, i literally cannot fucking watch if i don't wanna be a nervous wreck for a month.
#i'm trying to sleep so goodnight this is the last thing i'll post but yeah#i'm glad people aren't fucked up by this sort of thing but at the same time it feels like something fucked up enough that people should-#-understand it's kind of a horrifying experience for a lot of people. psychosis or no psychosis#like i'm glad gang violence and shit isn't like a more common experience for people to be born into but jesus fucking christ#please tag it.#this is the most i'll ever say about my shit like. i cannot say anything else regardless of how far away from that shit i am now#regardless of if it was my choice#whatever. just please fucking tag this shit#people tag cults when they have it explained to them how bad they are. why won't people tag gangs and organised crime#(said as a cult survivor don't fucking come at me. whatever)#idk i'll probably delete this out of paranoia but yeah please tag the goncharov shit <3#i am not having a good time right now with this
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I mean sure, I can understand this perspective, but I'm not sure whether most people feel less shaken to be thrust into conversations about "self-unaliving" than conversations about "suicide"
and I for one as a survivor would much rather unexpectedly encounter somebody talking about "rape" than somebody talking about how funny it is to have sex with somebody when they don't want to, a normal thing that doesn't need to be named because it's So Normal.
which is to say. this is a post about words. the words are not the distressing thing about the discussion. the distressing thing is the distressing thing about the discussion. sugarcoating, dodging or renaming the distressing thing doesn't make it less distressing but it DOES often make it harder to have a frank discussion about it or address it in serious terms.
[pinch of salt: solid probability from their blog that this person is a Literal 14 Year Old and the perspective from 30 and 14 are very different. I do stand by all the points I'm making but I think this conversation lands a lot different for people at different life stages - there is something to be said for the general issue that the internet has flattened social groups to the degree that I as a 30 year old can make a post to my audience of largely adult millennials that immediately enters the same conversational space as people half my age and still in school. that seems. ungreat. as the primary way we engage in conversation. but I don't have solutions to offer.]
you gotta be able to say "die"
you gotta be able to say "suicide"
you gotta be able to talk about "sex"
they're uncomfortable topics, YEAH for SURE
because LIFE is uncomfortable. Death and suicide and sex and pain are straight up going to happen. not having words for the way it discomforts you doesn't make it more comfortable, it just makes you less able to reach out about it.
even more vital, you gotta be able to say words like "rape", "abuse", "queer" or "racist". cause we fought fucking hard to name those experiences. to identify "rape" as distinct from "sex" and "racism" as distinct from "acceptable behaviour" and "queer" as distinct from "invert"
like the function of communication is not to minimise immediate discomfort. we gotta be able to talk about stuff that's hard or sucks or causes difficult conversations.
#red said#i also wholeheartedly disagree with the rest of your post#all entertainment is political. all of it. because politics is the models we use to describe how we interact as a community#and art is inherently communal. so it's inherently political.#that doesn't mean all entertainment has to be a Pure Political Statement. some stuff is just dumb because dumb shit is fun.#but like it's not. detached from the world. and a lack of political intent doesn't mean it's utterly unchallenging.#ok for example. have you ever. enjoyed watching a cheesy 80s zombie movie and it is gory and stupid and great#but then there's a scene where maybe there's a really fucked-up implication about what we as an audience are meant to think#or a rape scene played for light laughs. or whatever your line is.#and they meant it to be fun. you watched it for fun. but you're not having fucking fun any more. there's a bad taste in your mouth.#contrast. sometimes i am reading a nonfiction article for work or something. it is miserable and grim it is about homelessness and dv#but the writer has put it together so well and made their point so clearly you're like YES! YES! THAT'S IT!!!!#and even beyond that like. i am a disabled multiple rape and abuse survivor. i have been through a non zero amount of The Shit.#and a lot of the stuff i find most entertaining and relaxing is stuff that acknowledges that as a Thing Which Happens#like I'm a nerd man. i like video essays about misogyny and fascism and reactionary homophobia.#i like films that make me cry bc they touch an emotional raw spot. i like tiktoks where people joke about their experiences of abuse#i like SFF stories about trauma and survival and sad robots#and yeah you know sometimes i want to watch a comedy panel show or a tiktok of bottles rolling down stairs#but effective entertainment is a conversation! comedy and chill vibes rest on like. deciding what to riff on#and who your anticipated audience is. and nah actually that's not apolitical and also#identifying common human experiences like death or trauma or marginalisation as inherently Political and therefore Unfun#misses the point that like. the question isn't what you acknowledge but how you acknowledge it.#as a rape survivor. for example. i don't necessarily want to open tiktok to a lecture on rape culture.#but i might well stick about for a standup routine about being a survivor of rape#and i will absolutely bounce from a vid where nobody mentions rape bc they think what they're talking about is fine when it's. rapey af.#anyway. this is a sidebar cause even if i agreed about entertainment v politics my main point would still stand#but i very much don't agree and i think you need to maybe look at how you approach entertainment media as neutral#but also i feel very strongly about this and not to harp on the like aS A sUrViVoR thing but#AS A SURVIVOR my fucking LIFE includes ''dark topics'' like suicide and rape. and i don't appreciate how often that's treated as#an unfair imposition to speak about or acknowledge. 'dark shit' is inescapably a major part of my life/self AND I'm funny + entertaining
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I wish I knew what my MMR was on Survivor... I die a lot so I figure it's low but sometimes I get really good teammates that are clearly better than I am at playing Survivor. So how do I get matched with them? I've noticed Killers don't seem to mindgame too much so I think we're about the same MMR - pretty low.
I've been confused about my MMR on Killer too. I try not to kill people as Trickster because I have more fun letting them escape but I do kill pretty often as Spirit and Sadako. I can have like 3 competent SWFs in a row that I 3k then nothing but baby Survivors the rest of the week. Why? If I kill a lot, my MMR should go up, right? Why is it stagnant? Is it because I usually spare people as Trickster? I have been killing people more often with him, though...
Sometimes I think MMR is a myth. It is at least very unstable imo.
#dead by daylight#dbd#deadbydaylight#Otz has said people playing with friends sometimes get their friends' MMR#So if their friends are high MMR they'll be forced to play against a Killer that's also high MMR which won't be fun for them#Works the same way with Killers - you get a Survivor at your low MMR but their friends are high MMR so you get stomped#That still doesn't explain how I get great teammates if I'm SoloQ#UNLESS it just puts me wherever#It seems so fucking unstable xD#I guess it's because I'm confident with Trickster that I don't like killing#I feel so happy playing him and having a personality and being friendly#I don't feel that way with other Killers...#I also know people hate him so I try to not be a dick when I play him
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This world of video essays with SA this and SA that makes me genuinely miss the old days when edgelords would say rape every five seconds
#i have a semi-rational frothing fucking psychotic hatred of the complete censorship of the word rape#if i'm watching a video essay about some piece of media that uses rape#and the person wants to talk about it#for the love of fucking christ i want to actually hear the word rape#none of this fucking baby looney tunes shit#i know a lot of survivors hate the word rape i do in some circumstances it's jarring when it's casually dropped and takes me off guard#but this fucking acting like it's some kind of slur that can't be said out loud has got me fucking changing my mind#now i want to run around screaming it from the rooftops#similar way with suicide but that one doesn't piss me off as much#it should intellectually it really really should#but emotionally it doesn't
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