#me thinking with my own brain: [hacker voice] i'm in | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

joviantwelve · 1 year ago

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XYZ🕒ul, Tetris, Carmichael; 1 5 7 12 14 19 20 23 25

OKAY ITS TIME TO GET AROUND TO THIS THING LET'S GO

obviously going to be long, so under a cut it goes:

1. What memory would your OC rather just forget? XYZoul: they'd prefer simply not thinking about their life as a Physical Corporeal Entity at all, and leave it at that. Tetris: until we see more native viera stuff ingame, I like to think she was a guard or something for her village, and thus got into encounters with "intruders." she would mostly follow protocol, though their appearance and behavior is what got her curious about the outside world in the first place...I think she wishes she would have left sooner, instead of mindlessly fighting what were (sometimes, I mean you got that imperial presence and all) completely innocuous people. Carmichael: Uhhh well, a lot of it has to do with Ivanna...not just any one thing though, unfortunately. she was a toxic girlboss, and there's a lot he needs to unpack. to roughly sum it up, he was treated more like a funny curiosity than like, an employee.

5. How far is your OC willing to go to get what they want? XYZoul: IIIiiii would say to the point of risking innocent human life. since it's a cyberpunk setting and all, there's some tech out there that integrates with brains directly, so...they wouldn't want to directly mess with that. unless it's attached to a capitalist pig, of course! hyuk! Tetris: she will break bones if she has to, given her training I mentioned above...but she PREFERS it not to come to that, considering it's more along the lines of what she used to do. sadly, because this is an MMORPG, it does often come to that Carmichael: lmao he takes a loooong time to develop any sort of assertiveness. so, not very far. even if he's trying to make a point in a discussion, he'd be very polite about it, and likely get talked over. this may change if Azriel has any say about it, though!

7. What’s one way your OC has changed since you first came up with them? XYZoul: their design, mostly. it took a loooong time for me to come up with something I was happy with beyond just their face. I'm glad that they seem to be popular, because...it was a lot of effort. I googled a lot of retro computer mascots for ideas, only to discover a lot of the actual period mascots sucked LMAO?? turns out ""webcore aesthetic"" was more what I was actually going for. Tetris: I feel like most WoLs are bound evolve with the game's narrative, but design-wise...I did fantasia her a couple times, for mostly minor aesthetic reasons. she used to be brown, but then I saw a lot of fellow viera with the brown skin/white hair kind of look and felt stifled LMFAO so I made her grayscale instead to be kind of like a snow bunny. I also gave her heterochromia with this because I am cringe and free (and also a resemblance to my OC Hyacinth that worked out in another funny way (spoilers for that 2nd link)) Carmichael: WELL since he was originally for TTRPG, he didn't really have like, "his" own story. I feel like giving him that (which includes a relationship) just adds a whole new dimension to him. It actually feels weird playing him in a TTRPG setting nowadays, because it's like, oh no, his arc is gone!! his BOYFRIEND is gone!!

12. Is your OC self-destructive? In what ways? XYZoul: being a hacker in a cyberpunk setting is just inviting self-destruction by trade, if you ask me. always going to get a little too cocky and end up hacking someone you shouldn't :/ Tetris: Not usually, but I think the anxiety of being The Chosen Hero takes a toll sometimes and requires some management. For example, this screenshot was taken immediately after the Elpis arc, because I thought it was an appropriate reaction to what I just experienced, ghfdkjghfdg Carmichael: he's WAY too modest and self-conscious and it holds him back from more bold behavior. like question #5 up there...he just doesn't know how to have a voice. he will get better about this.

14. How does your OC want to be seen by other characters? XYZoul: if they had their way, they would remain anonymous forever, and then one day simply stop posting and fade into an urban legend that never gets solved. unfortunately, that won't happen Tetris: If you think she is cool and dependable, that's all she could really ask for. She doesn't really mind being "the big one" in a friend group. sometimes literally, because tall. Carmichael: HE WANTS TO BE USEFUL THAT PART OF HIM WILL NEVER CHANGE 🥺

19. How does your OC behave when enraged? XYZoul: Hacking your Internet of Things Devices to cause general mayhem and get the last laugh Tetris: The Power of Incredible Violence. I think this is just because she has viera voice 5 (which sounds like this in combat), but my friend group started joking that tetris is just generally violent, which I feel like informed her backstory idea in the end?! I don't think she's like. a killing machine or anything. but IF things come down to a fight, she's game. you bet I picked all the angry options talking to you-know-who at the end of Endwalker Carmichael: I like to think he can still keep his composure, it's more in the words he chooses and the actions he does. you may be thinking "haha, carmichael saying fuck?" but HONESTLY.....I CAN'T SEE IT?? I feel like if he was giving an Angry Speech to a Bad Guy he'd use like colorful insults from the 1900s or general sarcastic politeness before he'd resort to the intense informality of "fuck." he definitely knows how to weaponize snark in there somewhere

20. Does your OC have a tendency to get jealous? If so, how does this manifest? XYZoul: No, they don't really have anything to be jealous of!! they're the only XYZoul out there! I think they might get jealous if another cool hacker showed up online, but if anything I think they'd try and get in contact as a potential friend first. strength in numbers and all that Tetris: Not really, but I think if she dwells on it too hard, she's kinda bummed at the fact she had to get exiled from her community to integrate with anyone else out in the vast wide world out there, whereas everyone else seems to be able to live in the same place all their lives and still travel around if desired. what the fuck is up with that Carmichael: YES ACTUALLY LMAO. like you might not expect it from him, but through roleplaying with Bee, we decided that the next CEO of his old company, who had previously dumped him as he didn't need an android, then turned around and got a new sexy robo assistant anyway. and Carmichael finds this out. and actually gets mad about it for reasons he can't articulate. it's the kind of jealousy where he just vents to Azriel for an extended time to the point where Azriel is like "oh this is a Hangup for you, huh"

23. What emotion is the hardest for your OC to process? How about express? XYZoul: I think like...genuine vulnerability. their anonymous persona allows them to perfectly craft their image online, so nothing about their actual life is shared anywhere. but I feel like all that restriction might just be them bottling it all up...which can't be good. Tetris: I think being a general outsider to the rest of the world has been a wild ride mentally. Like, there's all this history and political drama she would have never known about if she didn't leave. Feels weird, like damn, I could've been helping people out here this whole time?! She doesn't really like talking about her past before Eorzea, I think maybe because she feels ashamed of it. She is an actual exile after all. Carmichael: trauma. basically his entire character arc is realizing how traumatized he is LMFAO it's not fun.

25. What is your favorite thing about your OC? XYZoul: ok this is dweeby but I've had the whole clock/compass duality thing in mind for at least 10 years now. it just seems obvious to me, a clock is time, a compass is directional space, so like, spacetime, duh, and yet I rarely see those two symbols juxtaposed together in anything. they're both circles with funny hands! it seems so braindead to do!! so it's cool having a character kinda catch on that helps get that out there lmfao Tetris: bnuuy. idk, I was, like, so stoked viera were in XIV, it made me actually go through the campaign in full for once. I feel like it's a combination of FFTA nostalgia, and also that viera are gender for me, I guess. I also appreciate that I can put her in a suit. thanks Carmichael: he's cute :3 and also like the first OC I made where I was trying very hard to be self-indulgent. concept, character design, character development, the whole shebang. I try to do this more and more nowadays, but he was where I really started focusing on, uh, writing what I actually wanted to write

#text #xyzoul #misc original #ffxiv tag

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asterjennifer · 2 years ago

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i miss ray starts crying uncontrollably while snot runs down my nose

hurt/comfort ray except we comfort him and fluff

🎀 How about just a bit of fluff? I feel like Ray needs some time off his worries and fears as well! 🎀

Pink or White?

Fandom: Mystic Messenger

Pairing: Ray x Reader

Category: Fluff

Warnings: X

Word count: 1756

Author’s Note: It’s an excuse. Either angst or fluff, bc my brain apparently can’t handle the in between. I tried Annon, I just suck at instructions sometimes too. Hope you forgive me XD

Summary: Ray finds a moment to come visit you.

He didn't expect you to ask for help picking a pretty outfit, but is willing to lend a helping hand regardless.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

His feet brought him out of the private kitchen for his Savior and him to use, the tray firm between his covered hands. It's been what felt like an eternity to the young hacker wearing bleached hair the last time he'd seen you face to face, only hearing your voice over the phone wasn't enough anymore. Therefore he finished his work throughout the night with one or two hours of rest in between. Ray couldn't help himself, he missed smelling your scent and watching your bright eyes sparkle like the wildfire that they were.

At first, he debated if he should make an appearance with flowers but knowing he got you some last time, he decided to switch things up a little. Today, he smiled as he walked down the corridor, he made a cake for you. To be fair; some Believers also were lucky to get a taste since Ray couldn't possibly come up with an entire cake just for you. Even if he'd join eating, there's no way you'll finish it all. At least the people he offered it to seemed happy. Ray lifted his hand in order to brush his hair right, cussing silently as he forgot checking his looks one last time in the mirror before passing by the hall.

Standing in front of your door made his head spin lightly, it happened every time, regardless how many times he entered already. Ray breathed through and knocked on the door without second thought. Because thinking too deeply would only give the anxiety a free pass to mock his choices. You then opened the door for the young hacker, a soft expression glued to your sweet face when meeting his eyes steadily. »Ray! How great you're here, I missed you.« Your truthful directness lingered inside his ears like it’s most important prayer he ever heard. It made him return the smile.

»Hello (N), I'm happy to see you! I missed you as well.« Your smile widened as you took a step aside. »Come in.« Ray allowed himself to come into your private walls after getting permission. The sunlight's bringing out the bright pink color of the room perfectly while the thousand different flowers outside also added a few color changes to the corners. Ray's cheeks became warm once he found the rose still being healthy on the table, especially after telling you to think of him when caring for it. You leaned beside him, catching his thoughts spin.

»Is that for me?« You asked amazed, pointing to the cake with your eyes. Ray shook his head free. Quick to nod and manifest your excitement. »Yes! It's the cake I told you about.. I made it for you as apology for being gone.« His tone mumbled, thus he placed down the tray to avoid any more embarrassment. How your little hands clapped together from happiness caused his chest to tighten. »Woah.. It looks amazing, Ray. That's so kind of you, thank you very much.« Tilting your head let his desire to hug you grow.

Instead he cleared his throat behind his fist, trying not to stare into your eyes as long. »I-I'm relieved you like it..« For a moment the only noise's coming through the window as wind, having Ray wonder if you'd visited the garden without him yet. Although you should keep yourself save from boredom, to think you're out alone made his heart ache a little. »You have a good timing actually,« you chimed, tearing him out of his own head. The hacker watched you waddle back and only afterwards he noticed the endless sea of clothing spread over the entire bed.

»I was about to look for a cute outfit I can wear when we go out again.. I just don't have the heart to pick a specific one.« You turned back to him; hands folded as if you're about to beg. »Please help me? I know you're busy but..« Ray felt his ears heat up when you bit down your lower lip in shame. »I need a hand. And- well, okay.« You chuckled defeated, throwing your hands up in a careless manner. »I also want to spend time with you. What do you think? Can you stay for now?« The way you requested his attention almost sounded helpless. Ray's entire body shivered with something he couldn't identify.

You wanted to fill your day with his presence? You wished for him to help you pick a pretty outfit, even? If he wasn't on cloud nine before, he definitely was now. »I... Of course!« Too loud yet Ray missed that detail as he basically ran to your side. It made you giggle. »Thank you so much, I'm sure we find a nice outfit together!« Your confidence let his chest sparkle, sometimes he had problems believing he's the one you desired to be around. »Okay so,« you started off, taking a black shirt first. »I was thinking about something elegant; you know? Not the usual things I wear and instead a bit chicer.«

Ray hummed while scanning the bed from head to toe. He probably had to refer from the urge to spill that he'd picked all these clothes himself. Here and there he asked for help from some female Believers to cover up everything, however, ninety-five percent were approved of by his own hand. Ray wasn't big on fashion, why should he? There were more important matters to attend. But he'd rather pick outfits with you all day long instead of working his fingertips wound at the tasks waiting ahead. If his Savior found out then he would be in massive trouble.

But for the time being, he calmed his nerves by justifying he finished up for today. He could let himself drown a few inches deeper into his dreams. »Chic you say? Hm..« He narrowed his eyes, black leather gloves a huge contrast to the white top he took from the bed. »Then how about bright colors?« Your frowned, seemingly confused for a second. »But isn't elegant often dark?« Ray nodded, still grabbed a skirt with pink ruffles at the end. »True, but there's a way to also make light-colored clothes become worthy of elegant declaration...«

Next, Ray reached around the bed to check the dark pink belt between the few in brown shade. »It's not as easy, but once it works, you'll have an eye-catcher! People will immediately look at you once you enter the room.« Losing himself in the explanations, it soon was some sort of soliloquy since his voice's nothing more than mumbling. »Maybe black elements.. No, wait, that's not needed. Just pink.. or..?« You let him, though. Ray appeared focused, rummaging through the things that you laid out like he does it daily. His hand a few times faster than his head as he threw one thing away while shaking his head.

It's adorable to watch him piece together the best outfit possible. »Oh! This one, perhaps. Maybe with the white shoes it'll fit..« These ocean eyes darted back and forth and you couldn't help the laughter anymore. Ray's attention snapped back up to you while one hand's hidden underneath the many clothes he threw around. »Sorry, it's just cute to see you so dedicated!« You quickly killed his worries over behaving stupid. The hacker suddenly blinked, standing straight again after realizing how invested he'd been. »Oh... Um.. haha ,« he chuckled shyly. »I um- I suppose I was pretty enthusiastic there. I'm sorry.«

It took away weight as you shook your head, taking the pile he already decided on out of his arms. »No need. I'll go try this on okay? Let's test your theory!« Ray's throat narrowed because of your scent rising up into his nose. Too close. He couldn't part his lips and just nodded weak. »Neat. Just sit down in the meantime, I'm back in a minute.« Unsure what to expect, he did as ordered . Surely you'd look gorgeous in anything you wear. Loose albeit soft, dark but comfortable, emphasizing and still innocent..

You managed it all with no big effort. People must've been jealous before, he's certain. Ray pressed his thumbs against each other while waiting, getting more and more nervous for some inexplicable reason. Did he pick the right colors? The right combo? Would you be disappointed if it's not to your liking? Should he prepare for your unhappy response in case he messed up? These thoughts circled through his mind much against his liking. »Tada!« Ray flinched by your loud voice. He turned his head back, finding you stand in the door frame of the bathroom. Your smile beaming now with one hand placed to your waist. »And? What do you think?«

The white brought out your eye color intensely. The top's loose on your shoulders on purpose which revealed a lot more skin than he suspected. The skirt's not too short, not too long either and thanks to the pink owning a playful touch. The belt emphasized your waist until there's no room for imaginations left. Even your shoes sparkled with confidence as they're gifted with a darker shade in the otherwise white color. »Ray?« He couldn't stop staring. The young hacker's cheeks flamed up vividly before the blush reached his ears once again. Oh god..

Oh god you're the most beautiful thing he'd seen in his entire life. No word would do your beauty justice, none could express how pretty you were to the hacker. »What's wrong? No good?« You turned a bit, showing how it looked from the side. It set his feet into motion mindlessly. Your worried expression soon changed into surprise because Ray took your delicate hand into his, both of you not missing how his own trembled. There's only action left; therefore he softly brought the back of your hand to his lips. Other hand covering his heart since it's close to jump out of his chest.

You blushed too, the same kind of color he already felt corrupting his body. »You're beautiful, (N).« He whispered breathless. »I cannot put it into words.. You're a true royalty.« Ray's seeking your response when gazing up through his eyelashes. Something about his face’s dark and yet you had no idea how to spot the changes. Your wide eyes and open mouth slowly smoothed into a glance filled with adoration. But wasn't it him who had to adore you? You stroked a strand of hair away, his kiss continued to tingle on your skin. »Thank you Ray.. Thank you for the help and the complements. I cherish them.«

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lhse · 2 years ago

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Public sextape+Tracer:

Tracer was out on shopping with Sombra when a video started playing of her being a ‘helping hero’ for the homeless and poor.

"You know, Olivia. I wasn't really sure what to think when you said you've turned over a new leaf, and I'm real sorry for that. You're actually really nice!" The chipper girl exclaimed, enjoying her time with the hacker, who was leading her in an alleyway, claiming it was a shortcut to the mall.

"How nice of you, chica. Say, I've got a little surprise just for you. See that big screen on the building?" Sombra pointed to her, the giant screen currently playing a commercial for a fast food restaurant.

"Uh-huh? What about it?"

"I want you... To close your eyes and wait just a sec. Can you do that for me, amiga?"

"Sure! I don't see why not?" The brit said as she closed her eyes, while still facing the screen.

"When should I open my eyes?"

"Don't you worry your pretty head... You'll know when." Sombra said as she turned herself invisible, getting herself in a nice spot. Away from the potential dangers.

Tracer meanwhile, was waiting excitedly for her surprise, wondering what her new friend had in mind. Her imagination forced to stop in its tracks as she heard speakers playing very close to her position. While surprised by the sudden noise, Tracer kept her eyes closed, trying to focus on the sound. And what she could only assume was kissing?

Rather intense kissing at, the wet sounds of french kissing easily recognizable. Feeling a bit of second-hand embarrassment, oblivious to what the public was seeing, Tracer asked while her eyes were still closed.

"Umm... O-Oliva? Should I open the-"

"Is that what you Overwatch 'heroes' call community service nowadays, miss Tracer?"

Lena's eyes shot wide open as she recognized the man's burly voice, only to see her own self. Completely nude and surrounded by dirty old men. Her mouth switching between two as she made out with them. While her ass was being groped harshly by another pair behind her. Her whorish moans and moving hips making it clear she was loving it.

"Please... Just call me Lena... Or whatever you studs want~"

"No, no, no, no, no! T-this can't be happening! W-who recorded this?" Tracer asked herself, feeling her phone buzz in her jeans, quickly grabbing it to see many, many texts and calls missed from her friends, family and employers. Clearly meaning the whole world was now aware of her slutty outings.

Lena was unable to do anything but lower her cellphone and watch the big screen, reliving the supposedly secret night. Realizing with dismay how ruined her life was.

"You didn't answer the question, slut... Can we expect Mercy to come out from the sky and offer her holes too?" One of the men asked, as he spanked her ass, before kneading the reddened flesh. The young woman moaning happily as she pulled way to answer, a string of saliva still connecting her and the poor stranger.

"Ngh... Knowing Angela, I doubt that... It's just a Tracer kind of service~... After all, I love your fat cocks so much~..." Tracer answered hungrily, grinding her butt against one of the homeless men's crotch.

"That so? Get on your knees then, skank." The man kissing her said harshly, before spitting right on her hanging tongue. Making her moan happily at the degrading act.

"Aah~... Yes, sir, and thank you~!" Tracer complied easily, getting in position as she shook her shapely rear from side to side. Happy to finally get her precious cocks.

With ease, the poor man took her anus doggystyle, pounding her roughly as she squealed in bliss at the intrusion. Digging into her balls deep without warning nor preparation, her tight hole clearly used to taking dick.

"Aanh~! I love bums in my bum!" Tracer giggled almost crazily, her lust along with the rough dicking turning her brain to mush.

"Save that for later, slut..." One of them said, unamused by the pun, before muting her by plunging his cock in her throat. Skewering the British slut from both side.

The video continued, playing out the rest of the gangbang, with Tracer as the main actress. The live one, watching wordlessly, having no idea how to process this situation. Until, a familiar voice broke through the degenerated, muffled screams of pleasure.

"If you liked what you see, and want more. Enter the following address displayed on the screen if you want a piece of the famous Overwatch hero. If you're bad at directions, no worries, just follow the moans."

Right as she heard this, Lena could feel multiple hands groping her from all sides. The nearby homeless men, clearly having taken the public sextape as an invitation.

Tracer took one last look at her smartphone, noticing the few calls from her girlfriend. Before throwing on the ground, and stripping for her growing audience and throwing herself at them. Ready to accept her new life.

"Smile at the camera, amiga..." The invisible woman chuckled to herself, making sure not to miss the ex-Hero's reincarnation.

(hope this is what you had in mind with sombra, I honestly wasn't sure)

#not sfw #t(ow)#s(ow)

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mysticmikalla · 7 years ago

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If it's not too much of a problem, could I request a small fic for Saeran? For example him leaving the Mc without saying anything because he still feels insecure about himself and coming back a few years later to make things up only to find out he has a child? I'm sorry for this roller coaster I just want some angst...

You want angst? You got angst!

Ps, this “small” fic ended up getting quite long bc I got a bit carried away lolol

Pss, shoutout to my girl dahlia for helping me overcome my writer’s block and giving me tons of inspo♥️

Psss; this is the first piece i publish that im nervous about so pls bare with me as i edit and rewrite this over and over lol

***

The mind of Saeran Choi was a hectic place.

Thousand of paradoxical thoughts and fears circled in his head, clashing and colliding into each other, taking form of his worst nightmares or most desired daydreams. It was a never-ending battle for dominance over the boy’s emotions between hope and despair. He’d take several pills for his intense headaches just so he could rest, and he took them much so that it became routine.

His world had always been dark and fuzzy, people taking form of shapes and noises instead of individuals, making it hard to care for someone, or allow them to care for him. He had shut himself in a world of darkness, despair always winning.

Ah, but then there was you. You were an amber in his ashen world, the moon peaking through clouds on a dense night. You came into his life so unexpectedly, and, in the shortest amount of time, because his most precious. You were his one and only treasure in life, the one who could make him feel normal. Who could make him feel human, rather than two opposite sides fighting for dominance.

You alone were able to silence most of the noise in his head. Most.

Despite popular belief and what you read in romance novels and fairy tales, love couldn’t cure all. It couldn’t magically make all of his life-long scars disappear, no matter how much he wished it.

Which is why he left, why he felt like he needed to leave with nothing but a light kiss on your forehead as you slept a note where he scribbled a quick ‘I’m sorry’.

With only a small bag of his belonging and a heart full of hurt, Saeran Choi disappeared from your life.

Your breath was knocked out of your body as the realization that he left, that he left you all alone and wouldn’t come back. Your body shook with broken sobs, your mind raced and hurt with unanswered questions, and your heart broke with what you thought was unrequited love

A tear-stained face became your norm for weeks, the cold space in bed beside you and the loneliness the absence of the love of your life becoming too much for you to bear.

After a few weeks, you started feeling sick in the morning and your cycle was unusually late, the ground of your stability started shaking, and when the little plus sign on the pregnancy test confirmed your fears, it sunk all together.

You couldn’t do this, you couldn’t do this alone. You could barely manage to pull yourself together after Saeran left, how were you supposed to take care of a child?

You begged his twin brother to locate him and bring him home, to at least find out if he was okay. You were a mess, thoughts running wild with worst case scenarios of Saeran being hurt, of you never being able to find him again.

Saeyoung was reluctant at first, knowing that his brother must have had a good reason for leaving you, the one he loved the most, behind.

But after you told him about the baby, the red-headed hacker felt like he had no choice but to tell his brother about him. He could see the deep circles underneath your eyes and how your skin was paler than usual, and he felt as if owed it to you , in behalf of his brother, to help.

It was an old feud, hacker versus hacker, in which Saeran always won. He hid his traces and whereabouts so well, it was as if he never existed. In your insomniac nights filled with delirium, you wondered if he ever did exist in the first place.

Weeks became months, and months became years without him by your side. You desperately tried to recall what his voice sounded like, what his touch felt like against your skin. The galloping of your heart whenever you kissed him was now nothing but a distant memory, a foreign feeling. The only reason you still remembered his face was because of his twin brother who was there to keep you grounded.

Thoughts of him, which before occupied your mind every second of the day, became more scarce as the years went by, until they were a rarity. Your daily life went on, and you couldn’t waste time wondering about your former lover, not when taking care of your child came first.

With Saeyoung and the rest of the RFA supporting you, for the first time in a while you felt as if you weren’t alone.

***

Saeran’s heart pounded against his chest, so aggressively he though he’d might pass out before he reached for the doorknob of your previously shared home. How long had it been? He couldn’t recall at the moment. If felt like only seconds since he had last been here, but the agonizing longing in his chest made it seem like a millennia all at once.

He debated on whether to just open the door and walk right in like nothing had happened, or to ring the door bell and wait outside like a stranger would.

He settled for the latter, hearing the all too familiar bell echo throughout the house. When he heard footsteps coming closer, he felt as if he would collapse. He had dreamed about this moment for the past three years, and now that it finally arrived, he wondered whether or not he could handle to mixture of excitement and nervousness in his chest.

“Coming!” Nothing had ever sounded so melodic as that one word he heard your voice say through the closed door. The longing on his chest was suddenly so unbearable, he had to hold on to the door frame for support.

The door swung open, and his heart stopped.

There you stood. You were already in your pajamas, getting ready for the night. He noted your hair was different, and you looked thinner than you had before. He wanted to embrace you as soon as he saw you before him, but he restrained himself.

How would you react, he worried.

With widened eyes, you took the sight of Saeran in. You could almost mistake him for his brothe now, as his hair, which previously had been bleached white, was now bright red. It was also the first time you saw him without his blue contacts, his amber eyes bright and burning.

“Sa-Saeran?” You sputtered in disbelief. It was you who needed support now, feeling your body grow weak.

“MC,” He breathed, your name rolling off his tongue as if he had been waiting all this time to finally utter it, “I-I’m back.”

Your mind raced to find the right words, to decipher what you were feeling right now at this shocking sight before you, but all you could do was gap at him. The person you loved, dreamed about and ached for all these years stood right in front of you. The man who broke your heart and left you all alone with no explanation was back, and you didn’t know what to feel about it. Rather, you couldn’t just pick one emotion, seeing that you were feeling them all at once.

He couldn’t find the right words, either. He didn’t know how to express how much he missed you, how sorry he was for leaving you alone, how beautiful you looked and how many times he had dreamed of this.

“MC, I think we ran out of diapers, I think I will-” Saeyoung’s voice was cut off at the sight of his brother standing in the doorway. The three of you were frozen in place.

As he took in the sight of the red-headed baby girl in Saeyoung’s arm, Saeran’s jaw dropped and his head spun. He glanced at you, then back at his twin with the girl, and then back at you, incredulous.

Out of all the scenarios he had played out in his head, this was definitely not one of them.

“MC…Is this…” He opened and closed his mouth over and over, unsure of what to say, “You and him…?!”

“Saeran, it’s not-” Saeyoung began, but the boy already fumed, fists clenching beside him.

“You don’t have the right to be angry right now, Saeran.” You finally spoke. They were tranquil and soft, but Saeran felt an intimidating resemblance with a calm before the storm.

He ran a hand messily through his hair, letting out an exasperated sigh, telling himself to calm down. But the hurt in his chest wouldn’t allow it. He was already more agitated than he would have like to be on the first time you two met again.

You and Saeyoung? Together? Thoughts of you and him tortured his mind, being close, being intimate, falling in love…

He wanted nothing more than to stick a needle in his ear and poke them all out with his brain. It hadn’t been that long since he left, and all that time you were the only thing in his mind. How could you have moved on so fast? With his twin, of all people?

“Hey, Saeyoung, can you give us a second?” You pleaded to the red-haired man behind you gently. You could tell Saeran was angry and unsettled at his presence.

“Are you sure?” He asked, eyeing you, your daughter and then his twin nervously. What Saeran couldn’t wrap his mind around was why his own brother was trying to protect you, the love of his life, his MC, instead of him. He should be the one protecting you, not him, never him.

He would never hurt you; not before, and especially not now. Not now that he’s come so far and worked so hard to get better. For you. It was all for you.

“I’m sure.” You smiled up at his eyes behind glasses, touching his arm lightly and reassuringly. The small action made Saeran want to throw up. How did it get like this?

Saeyoung left with the baby, and you and Saeran were alone again. You motioned for him to come it, still dazed by his sudden presence. You still didn’t know what to say, no combination of letters and words sufficing to express how you felt.

“MC…” He began, trying to remember what he had rehearsed in his head a thousand times over. He wanted to explain everything, to let you know how sorry he was for leaving and that he missed you. But deep down he knew there was no way to make up for it.

You shook your head, “Why did you come back?”

He knew you were angry. Your furrowed brows, arms crossed and your lips tugging downwards was more than enough to tell him so, but the words still felt like salt in his already wounded heart. He expected you to be at least a bit happy in seeing him after so long, but you only seemed troubled and hurt. Despite the situation and his worried expression, his heart was almost bursting with happiness at seeing you again. It was the happiest moment of the last three years for him, and he was hoping you’d feel the same, at least a little.

“MC, please let me explain-”

“Explain how you left me?”

“I swear I didn’t mean-”

“How you disappeared for three years without a word? How you left me here all alone, with just a fucking note?!” You raised your voice, heat flushing your cheeks as your anger took over. All those sleepless nights came rushing back, your broken sobs echoing in the back of your mind.

“I had to, MC…” He stood across from you, desperately wanting to close the gap between you and have you in his arms again, “I had to leave. For your sake.”

“I don’t understand,” You shuffled backwards, “I don’t understand! How could that have possibly been for my sake?!”

You were angry. You were furious.

Out of all the times you dreamed of meeting him again and confronting him, never did you imagine he would say he did it for you. You almost rolled your eyes, how cliché.

“That’s why I’m trying to explain it to you!” He was getting frustrated at your own frustration, his voice rising up to match yours, “MC, I wasn’t…I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t half the man I knew I could be. You deserved someone who could have given you everything, and I-”

“But you did give me everything! I was happy with you!” You exclaimed, “I loved you, Saeran, why couldn’t you just see that?!”

“But you deserved-”

“It’s up to me to know what I do and don’t deserve,” You objected, “And I know that what I didn’t deserve was being left alone like that. Nobody deserved that.”

“I know, MC…I fucked up. I know now that what I did was wrong,” He steadied himself, lowering his voice again and regaining the composure he tried so hard to achieve, “That’s just proof of how immature and unworthy I was… It’s why I had to leave, I couldn’t drag you down with me. Everyone was right, I couldn’t make you stay by my side and take care of me. It’s not what you wanted, and I was holding you back-”

“But that’s what I meant when I said I loved you! It meant that I’d stay by you through anything and everything. It meant that I would never leave. But you left, and I thought-” You choked on the words, built up pain from these last few years resurfacing, “I thought that when you left, it meant you didn’t love me enough. Not even enough to say goodbye.”

That old, familiar aching in your chest sparked up again, and soon your tears salted your tongue.

“That’s what you thought?” His eyes softened, his chest squeezing at the sight of you so sad

“What else was I supposed to think?”

“MC, I never stopped loving you.” He took a step towards you, attempting to grab the hands he missed so much, but being met with rejection as you backed away.

“You’re lying. If you loved me, walking away shouldn’t have been so easy-”

“Leaving you that day was the hardest thing I ever had to do. Please believe me, MC!” He cried, his eyes desperately searching for yours.

You bit your lip to keep from sobbing, the ache in your chest upsurging with each word he spoke to you.

“You won’t believe me, right?” His body deflated, “I can’t make you understand, not after everything I put you through…But just please answer me this…How long did it take…For you and Saeyoung to get together after I left?”

You furrowed your brows in confusion, “Huh?”

“How long it it take for you to to move o-on?” His voice broke, and now his own tears stained his cheeks.

“Saeran, I don’t-”

“That girl looks to be around three. How many months did you wait before you replaced me with him?” You expected his tone to be angry when he asked you these things, but they were sad, hurt and empty. Broken. Saeran looked tired and defeated, and for the first time since you saw him again, your facade started to break.

God, it still hurt. The whole in your chest was still there. You were a fool for ever believing anything could ever fill it.

“Sae, please listen to me,” You muttered softly, taking a few steps in his direction, his gazed fixed on the ground in refusal to meet yours, “It took exactly nine months for her to be born after you left. She isn’t Saeyoung’s.”

When he finally met your eyes, they were filled with confusion and…hope?

“W-what?”

You let out a small laugh in between your tears, “She’s yours, Saeran. She’s ours.”

His brain buffered, not quite comprehending the words you had just spoken. He stuttered, trying to formulate words but none would come to mind. He…had a daughter.. With you. The gorgeous red-haired girl he had seen previously is half his, and half the woman he loves. No matter how hard he tried, his brain couldn’t process it.

A child? A daughter? He had a daughter…?

You stepped a bit closer to him, lightly caressing his arms. Your touch brought him back from his momentary daze, and he wished you’d never let go. He could never find the right words to tell you how much he missed your skin on his, “There has never been anybody else, Sae. Just you. It was always you.”

While your words meant Heaven and Earth to one brother, the other listened quietly behind closed doors, his heart stuck on his throat. He was happy, truly, that his twin had come back. He knew how much he meant to you, how you missed him everyday during his absence, even when you refused to admit so.

He knew that empty, far away look in your eye would finally disappear now that he was back, but Saeyoung was hurting with each syllable you uttered.

Despite the girl who slept in his arms not being his, and the woman far from his reach never truly seeing him, he felt happy. He found a family through you, helping you raise your baby and being there when his own brother failed to do so. He was helpless as he felt you two slipping away from him and into the arms of his brother. He felt sad and nostalgic at the thought of not being the one you relied on anymore. He even felt a little bit enraged at how easily Saeran had waltzed in your life again.

Saeyoung knew he shouldn’t be having these thoughts. They were wrong, selfish. The two most important people to him were finally happy, so why wasn’t he?

“MC…I’m sorry, I had no idea…!” Saeran finally spoke, the thought of you, all alone while pregnant with his child haunting his mind. Did you cry often? How many times had you cursed him, wishing none of this had ever happened, probably wishing you had never met him?

How could you possibly still love him after that?

“If I had known you were carrying a child, my child…I would have never…Oh God…” His knees grew weak, and he had to slump back on a chair to keep from sinking to the ground. His heart started racing and hands were shaking. He took a shallow breath at a time, his face buried in his hands.

Not again, he thought, not now.

He couldn’t lose control in front of you now. He wanted to show the person in front of him that he had changed, that we was becoming a better man for you. That all of this had been for something. But right now he felt as if he were back to square one, the fucked up little boy who couldn’t even control his emotions.

You rushed to his side, patting his back gently, comfortingly, “Shh, hey. Sae, look at me, please.”

He shook his head, refusing to meet your eyes, “I understand now. I understand why you hate me.”

“I don’t hate you,” You cooed, moving your hands up from his back to his hair, stroking it in the way you used to whenever he was upset all those years ago. You had tried convincing yourself that you did, you hated him. You insisted on the thought that he no longer had a place in your heart and you would be fine without him. While these thoughts were comforting to you back then, they were false. “I could never hate you, Sae. And you couldn’t have known.”

“But you were alone. I was so selfish, I’m sorry. You must have been so angry-”

“I was angry, yes,” You sighed, “I was pissed, and I was hurt. You weren’t here when I needed you to be, and it hurt because I thought you didn’t love me anymore.”

“MC-”

“But you’re here now,” You went on. The anger that previously clouded your judgement dissipating as soon as you felt his touch again. There still obvious lingering feelings of hurt within you, and they wouldn’t disappear so soon. But they didn’t seem important now.

The man weeping in your arms, the father of your child being back in your life was most important at that moment. Him and Saeyoung being right there with you, as your family, was what you craved the most, and you couldn’t let go of that because of past hurts. There would still be plenty of time to fix what was once broken, to heal what was wounded, but right now you two needed each other. You needed him so desperately it was almost physical, as if your bodies and souls were calling out to each other.

“C-can I see her?” He asked, wiping away at his tears and finally glancing at you.

You smiled reassuringly at him, trying to contain your own tears, “Of course. She’s yours, too.”

Yours. He would never get used to hearing that word.

The redhead finally took the courage to pull you close and wrap you in his arms, the familiarity of the smell of your hair, of the way you clung to his shirt as you hugged him was so overwhelming that a string of tears dropped on your shoulder.

Finally.

“MC…” He breathed through his sobs, “Thank you. I love you, I never stopped. I know I can’t ever make it up to you, but I want to spend the rest of my life trying. So please, if you’ll have me, I’d like to come home. Please,” He cried harder and hugged you tighter, “I want to come home.”

It was hard to talk when your heart was at your throat and your chest bared to him, but you managed to choke out a whisper anyway, “Welcome home, Saeran.”

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