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lovewriting-5 · 4 years

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Roads:

*gif credit goes to @miyku*

2. Into The Woods

3. Bear Station

1. 1452 Lame Avenue, Seattle:

I stepped off the school bus and met up with Sean Diaz and Lyla Park. Lyla shouts “See you tonight! Don’t be late, losers!” I intertwine my fingers with Sean’s as we walk to his house. Lyla on his right side, says “Are you both going or am I going to have to hang out with just one of you?” I shrug while Sean replies “I don’t even know if I wanna go tonight?” Lyla says “Oh please. It’s gonna be fun! You guys hate every party.” I chime in “They’re all the same. Too many people, too fucking loud, everbody’s wasted.” Lyla a little frustrated with our indecisive responses “You just described...a party!”

All of a sudden there was a ping coming from Sean’s sweatshirt pocket. He checks the text and it was from his dad, Esteban. A little annoyed with his dad constantly checking on him, he says “It’s dad. Wants to know if I’m coming home after school. Jeez, I’m not a ten year old...” I tell him “He just cares about you.” Lyla adds “You should be happy your dad’s looking out for you.” We continue on our way to Sean’s house and he must have decided that he was going because he asks “So what should I wear tonight?” Lyla responds sarcastically “A condom.” I chuckle “Alright I’m in. Paying plenty of attention in Sex Ed class, I see...”

We walked past Brett’s house who shouted “Hey, lovebirds! Back from the loony bin?” I roll my eyes. Lyla shouts back “Shut the fuck up, dickhead!” Brett just gave us the middle finger. Once out of sight, I gave her a high five and say “Damn, your neighbor’s an asshole.” Sean says “Yup. Always true to himself.”

We sat on the front porch of his house. Sean sat in the middle between Lyla and me. Lyla being observant, says “Man...We need to find a couch for your yard one day.” She pulled out a pack of cigarettes when Sean says “Oooh careful...Last time my dad almost busted me out here...” Lyla explains “Because you were alone. Your dad wouldn’t bust us. He loves us. So...you both want a hit or not?” I’m not a smoker so I declined. Sean who technically didn’t decline one, says “Nah. Maybe at the party. Track stars aren’t supposed to smoke, ya know...” Lyla coming back with “Yeah, sure. I’ll remember this when you’re begging for a spliff tonight...”

Lyla, the all knowing of this party tonight, says “Speaking of weed...I got that covered tonight. What else do we need? Eric said his parents don’t leave shit at the cabin so...we better make an official party list...” She takes out a sharpie from her backpack, grabs Sean’s left hand and begins scribbling. Sean a little confused, asks “Hey whoa, what the hell are you doing?” Lyla always quick with a response tells him “Don’t move! You’re my human post-it note. First we need money for supplies...munchies...chips n’ dip...soda...et cetera...” He says “This better wash off!” I place a hand on his stretched arm and lean closer to get a better look at her handiwork. Then she adds “And of course, we must not forget...ZE BOOZE!!!”

While looking at the list on his hand, he says “I can probably snag a six-pack from dad if he’s got enough. Hey, did you ever think of maybe...just...sending a text instead?” Remembering one more thing, she grabs his hand back “Hmmm...Oh right! Blankets. It’s gonna get chilly tonight! You and (Y/N) are gonna need something to snuggle under...Oh, one last thing! C...O...N...D...O...” He looks over and gives me a small embarrassed smile when Lyla was saying that. Pulling his hand away he says “Aargh stop! You’re out of room, punk!” Noticing the small drawing at the bottom of the list, he says while teasing her “Is this how you see a penis? Damn, you should try and actually see one for real.” She says “You don’t wanna go down that road, dude. My chances of scoring tonight are probably...ten times yours.” Her and I have talked about it numerous times when he wasn’t around. Lyla looks over at me and gives a wink. Luckily, Sean didn’t see because I could feel my cheeks getting red.

The three of us look up at the sky and noticed the airplane flying over. Lyla says “These fucking planes, man...I wanna hate them, but...I’ll miss them so much if I move somewhere else. Shit changes so fast...I get so emo sometimes, wondering what’ll happen to us once we graduate. Will you both still be my BFFs? Will shit ever get better than 1452, Lame Avenue?” Sean confirming “Yeah, man. Friends forever.” Lyla sounding a little worried “Yeah but...What happens if we go to different colleges? Or you two get sick of me? Whatever...” I assure her “You heard of the Internet? No way distance can tear us apart. We’re freakin’ fighters!” Lyla sounding better, says “Yeah, you’re right...Best freakin’ fighters forever...”

“OK, it’s getting way late and I gotta pick out my outfit for tonight. Skype later when you’re ready. Hugs!” Both of us give her a hug, “Talk to you guys soon.” Sean says “Hello, Friday night...”

Sean and I walked inside his house and heard laughing coming from the kitchen. We set our backpacks down by the front door. His dad, Esteban says “Hey! Perfect timing! Just the two I wanted to see.” I smile but Sean groans “Sure. But we’re a little busy.” Daniel interrupts “Did you see Lyla? She said we could go to the movies next week. She said...”

“Dude. Bug her, not me! You’re not exactly her type.” Sean says. “You’re lucky they put up with you...” Esteban says. He says “Jeez, thanks pop. I feel really supported right now.” While gently nudging my arm with his elbow.

Esteban begins “You’re welcome. And now we need an objective judge. That would be you!” “Really?” Sean asks. “Hey! No fair!” Daniel objects. “Shhhhh...Court is in session. Judge Diaz presiding over the case of the last Chock-O-Crisp.” Sean interrupts “We...we have to go...Uh...Get ready for a party and stuff.” Esteban says “Well if you want to attend a party and stuff...you have to earn it...your Honor.”

“Aww shit.” Sean says. Daniel says as Sean mocks him “Hey, he swore!” Esteban who is used to hearing this from his sons, says “Yes, I heard, tattletale. Please Judge Diaz. Be an example to the court and society. Then you can go hook up or...chill or...whatever! Now...Who deserves to eat this final...Chock-O-Crisp? Your adorable little brother who eats about ten bags a week...” Daniel trying to persuade the decision smiled at me and points to himself. Esteban continues “Or your poor suffering father...who slaves over a hot engine to provide his family with a home and a garage?”

Daniel raises his hand and shouts “Me! Me! Me!” As Sean pulls his hand down. “Come on Judge...” Daniel says. Esteban says “Shh. Let him decide...Judge? The verdict, please.” Sean places his right hand on his chin and looks at me to help decide. I smile at him, place a hand on his shoulder and say “I’m staying out of this, Judge Diaz.” He thought about it for a few minutes.

He gave the last Chock-O-Crisp to Esteban, “Daniel is guilty of being a brat! So the Chock-O-Crisp goes to...Señor Diaz!” Daniel trying to debate “What? No way! You’re a cheat!” Sean proudly says “Nope. I’m the law.” Esteban being a good father says “Your Honor, I can’t let you punish an innocent man...So...” Daniel who is very happy, says “Ooohhh yessss...” Sean says to Esteban “Yeah, I always knew you’d confess.”

Esteban heads back to the garage “Okay. Back to work. I hear an engine calling my name...And you better play nice together...Like you always do...” Daniel says “I have to go work in my room too.” As he walks away, he lightly hits Sean in the stomach. He tried to grab him but Daniel was too quick. Sean shouts “Yeah, don’t hurry back.”

I was in the kitchen helping Sean gather supplies for the party, when I hear him knock on Daniel’s bedroom door. I lean against the side of the fridge facing the hall, cross my arms and watch. Sean says “Dude, come on, open up!” From the other side of the door, Daniel shouts “Why?” Sean says “Because!” I slightly shake my head. Daniel says “Okay, okay...” as he opens the door ajar. Sean asks “What are you doing in there, Dr. Frankenstein?” Daniel still not happy with earlier “You gave my Chock-O-Crisp to dad.” Sean tells him “So what? He gave it back. Dude, you are so spoiled...” I roll my eyes at the typical banter between these two.

Sean asks “What’s with the scissors?” I noticed them in his hand. Daniel tells him “You’ll see...but not now...so don’t come in!” Sean sarcastically says “Oh man! Damn, sounds pretty serious! Should I call an ambulance now, before it’s too late?” I giggle. Daniel says while laughing “Maybe...All I can say is...watch out for my costume in three days! This Halloween is gonna be awesome! Are you going to the party tonight? At Eric’s house? Will Lyla be there?” Sean says “Yes, yes, yes and NO. You can’t go. Teenagers only.” I join them and tell Daniel “Sorry dude. You know Lyla and I would love it if you joined us but you wouldn’t have fun at this party.” Daniel says to Sean “They’re way nicer to me than you...Did she ask about me?” Messing with him, Sean says “Yes, she wants to marry you.” Daniel says “Shut up! And I don’t care if I can’t go...because...because...I have secret stuff to do...Alone!” He closes the door. Sean yells back “Of course you do.” Daniel peaked out the door then shut it again. We walked into the living room. I tell him “I’ll put the supplies in our backpacks and then I’ll be in your room. Would it be okay if I leave my school stuff here?” He says as he wraps his arms around my waist and I wrap my arms around the back of his neck, “Yeah, it’s no problem at all. I gotta go find that loooove blanket.” He heads down to the garage to see his dad.

I removed the school stuff and set them on the dining table. I placed the party supplies in the two backpacks. I walked into Sean’s room, it has only been a few times when I have been in here. The times when I have visited, we hung out in the main house with his dad and younger brother. I walked around and looked at the pictures on the walls and things laying around on the floor. I noticed the two trophies next to a picture of Daniel, Sean and Esteban on the shelf. I remembered that day, it was a track-and-field meet. Lyla and I went crazy cheering him on. His skateboard was on a shelf above his bed. He tried to teach me and there were successful moments but I enjoyed watching him show off. I also looked at some of his drawings lying around. He was really good. There were some that I remember watching him do. I saw some sketches that he kept from when he taught me how to draw. I always enjoyed seeing how enthralled he gets when he draws.

I sat on the edge of his bed glancing at the Gamer magazine that was lying on the mattress. He walked in, mentioned that he talked to his dad and he gave him $40. I say “Wow, that is so cool!” He walks to the bed and sat down. We began to kiss. I placed my hand on the back of his neck and pulled him closer. He leans forward and we begin inching toward his pillow. It seemed like we kissed for awhile when his phone pinged from his back pocket. He pulls away and breathlessly says “Must be Lyla.” He pulls out his phone and we both look at the screen. It was her telling him to get on Skype.

He gets up and sits at the desk to call Lyla on his laptop. I sit on the edge of the bed in the middle. He turns his laptop a little so I am able to be in frame. Lyla appears on screen with a smirk, she says “Hola, lovebirds...Just give me a minute! Gee, where did I put the...Hold on! Okay, hi! Did you get everything on your hand-list?” Sean tells her “It’s all in our backpacks, yeah. Daddy hooked me up with some cash, so...we’re set for the night. In case we need anything else...” She says “Or if you and (Y/N) need anything else...Ooh la la!” Sean sighs and I flip her off with a wink.

Daniel comes bursting in the room wearing a skull mask and carrying a bottle of some kind of red liquid. He says “Sean, Sean! I’m done, look! I made zombie blood! It’s...um...corn syrup and food coloring...Hey! Hi Lyla!” He waves to her. I stay out of these moments.

Sean begins escorting him out “Get out of my room, Daniel.” Daniel apologetically “I was just...” Sean says irritated “Come on, man!” Daniel still apologizing “Just...” More irritated, he says “Just bugging the shit out of me again after I told you to knock? Yeah, I know.” After Daniel left, Sean goes back to his laptop “Anyway...” Lyla scolds “Sean, you’re an asshole! What’s your problem?” Trying to come up with an excuse, he says “But...” She says “I want to see his zombie blood if you don’t...” I add “I agree with her. The zombie blood sounded really cool.” He looks at both Lyla and me, says “Sorry, sorry...I’ll make it up to him...He knows I can be a dick...I’m just stressed out about tonight...” Lyla says “Oh please...we are gonna have so much fun! Maybe tonight’s the night...I already see the two of you got started with delaying on calling me.” As she winks.

Sean asks “Okay...So when are you coming over?” Lyla says “I just have to hit up the Momster for the car keys and...hope she doesn’t make me lie too much about the party...I’m already in trouble from last time...” I get up, stand behind the chair and tell her “This time, don’t get caught!” We then hear Daniel outside “I didn’t mean to! Stop! Don’t touch it! It’s for Halloween! Leave me alone! I’ll call my dad!” Sean looks out the window and says “Hold on, okay? Something’s going on outside...” Lyla yells “What do you mean? Hey!” I quickly move out of the way as Sean runs out of the room. I shrug to her and then run out the door.

We get outside and see Brett with a hold on Daniel’s arm. Brett angrily says “Look at my shirt, asshole!” Daniel sticking up for himself, says “What’s the big deal? It’s Halloween!” Sean went into big brother mode “Hey! Don’t ever touch my brother!” He says while shoving Brett “You hear me, Brett?” Brett says “Fuck you, Diaz! He got his fake blood shit all over my shirt...Look!” Daniel frightened says “I told you it was an accident! You better leave us alone!” Brett reaches and tries to grab him but Sean and I get in the way. Brett says “Oh yeah, go hide in your dad’s garage! Pussies! You think you own the block!”

I keep my arm in front of Daniel to block him from Brett. Sean steps in between. He shouts “Dude, step back! He didn’t mean it, he’s a fucking kid!” Brett shouts “He’s a fucking retard!” Sean having enough “What...What did you just say?” Brett says “You heard me, bitch...” He shouts “Don’t ever touch him again!” Brett trying to get under his skin, says “Or what? You gonna get your daddy?” Sean tells him “Hey asshole! I don’t need him, to protect me from you!” Brett shoves him and says “Oh? You wanna go?!” Sean shoves him back, both Daniel and I shout “Sean!” Sean shouts “Oh yeah, motherfucker?!” Brett crossing a line “Then go back to your own country.”

Sean punches him. Daniel now scared says “Woah...Sean! You hit him!” He tells me “Get him inside! NOW!” I try to get Daniel to go but he won’t budge. He shouts “Sean!” Brett tackles Sean by the legs, shouting “You’re dead meat, bitch!” He begins punching Brett’s back and hits with his left fist. Brett shouts “You and your whole fucking family are going to jail! Losers!” Sean shoves him and he falls on a rock in the ground. We start hearing sirens. Daniel frightened, asks “What...what’s going on?”

Sean goes to check on Brett, he says “Oh fuck me...(Y/N), get over here!” I tell Daniel “Stay right here.” He asks “Sean...is he hurt?” We never notice the cop car pull up until we hear the officer command “Okay...okay, step away! Now!” Brett is laying on the ground gasping for air. Sean says “Calm down, officer.” The officer yells “Shut up! And step back!” The three of us back away from Brett. The officer pulls out his gun and points it at us. He commands “On the ground, Now!” Sean says “Hey, wait...This guy was...beating up my little brother!” Daniel frighteningly adds “He started it!” The officer commands “On the ground! NOW! Hands behind your head!”

The three of us get on the ground with our arms up. Daniel scaredly, says “Sean!” Sean frightened, says “This is fucking bullshit!” The officer goes to take Brett’s pulse when I see Esteban. He runs toward to five of us. The officer moves his gun on to Esteban. He asks “Sean, what’s happening?” The officer shouts at him “Get on the ground, sir!” Sean tells him, frighteningly “Dad! We didn’t do anything, I swear...” Esteban says looking between us and the officer “Sean, be quiet...Officer, listen...” The officer yells at Sean “Shut up!” He says “I’m sorry, dad!” Daniel really scared, says “Daddy, I want to go home.” Esteban trying to keep everything calm, says “Be quiet! They’re good kids, officer.” The officer shouts “Don’t move!” He says “I’m sure they didn’t do anything.” Officer repeating himself “I said don’t move!” Daniel says “Stop this.” I say “We didn’t do anything...!” Esteban says to him “Daniel, it’s gonna be alright.” The officer swings his gun between the four of us. He shouts “On the ground!” That’s when the most unthinkable thing happened. The officer unintentionally fires his gun at Esteban who collapses to the ground. The officer says quietly “Shit.” All of a sudden, Daniel yells “AHHHHHHHHHH!” There was a giant force that came out of nowhere.

Both Sean and I wake up to the sound of a leaking fire hydrant and everything is a mess. Utility poles are tipped over, rocks and debris litter the road and yards. In the road, we see a vehicle on fire. We both whimper a “No.” The police car was upside down and the officer was dead. Sean goes to his dad and says “Oh fuck!” Esteban has blood all over his chest. He tries to wake him up but it isn’t working, “No way! No...” I go over to Daniel and trying to wake him “Daniel! Hey! Come on!” Sean shouts “Come on! We gotta go! Now!” Sean comes over by Daniel, picks him up and carries him to the front porch. We grab our backpacks as we hear more sirens getting closer. Just before they arrive, we run.

#Sean Diaz x reader #Sean Diaz imagines #Life is Strange 2 fanfiction #Sean Diaz #Life is Strange 2 #LiS2 #Life is Strange #LiS #Life is Strange fanfiction #Life is Strange x reader #Life is Strange 2 x reader

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marveloussupernerd · 4 years

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Halloween Bash - Jaehee Kang

Hello and welcome to spooky season! For the next week I’m going to post a Halloween one shot every night. I random number generated the post order, prompts, and other little details about it, so I’ll be including those at the beginning of the story

Prompts: RFA party, bobbing for apples, stay all night

Summary: the RFA is throwing a little Halloween bash for its members. You and Jaehee dress to impress

You and Jaehee had put a lot of thought and effort into the RFA Halloween party. Rika had done it once before in the past and you wanted to bring it back and hopefully make it a fun tradition. You planned to have a costume contest, bobbing for apples, and the Monster Mash on repeat.

Jaehee had left the costumes up to you. It took you a while to find good costumes (there were a zillion Hetero couples costumes but you really struggled to find something creative for the two of you), but when you saw it you knew it was perfect. Of course, you couldn’t both win the costume contest, but you definitely wanted to match.

You walked into the coffee shop where Jaehee was hanging a streamers, and plopped the costumes onto the table next to her. “Are those the Scooby Doo characters?” She asked, glancing down at the costumes then focusing her energy back to the task at hand.

“Velma and Daphne! Jaehee, don’t tell me you didn’t know their names,” you sighed, plopping onto the chair next to her.

“I actually did watch Scooby Doo as a kid, but it’s been a while,” she smiled. She stuck one more piece of tape then carefully got off the chair she was standing on to sit next to you. “I think it’ll be quite cute.”

“Oo! I also got this hairspray stuff for you that temporarily dyes it orange. It might be kind of unnatural but-“

“You want me to be Daphne?” She cut you off, her eyebrows raised skeptically.

“Duh! I think you’d look really nice as her. Why? Would you rather be Velma?” You glanced down at the costumes. Fortunately you two were nearly the same size.

“No, I just. I don’t know... I assumed you’d want me to be Velma. I did look a lot like her...”

“Yeah, because Jumin made you. You look so beautiful now and I want you to embrace those changes! Putting on a short wig and glasses would do the exact opposite.”

She leaned across the table to grab your hand. “Thank you. I don’t think you understand how much that means to me.

“Of course. Now if you’re done with the decorations can I help you do the hair?”

“I set one banner up...”

You looked around. Huh. She was right. “Whoops. Got so excited I didn’t even notice that. Let me help you set things up first then.”

The two of you were an excellent team, obviously, and made quick work of setting up the decorations. Jaehee had splurged on some nice decorations. Lots and lots of pumpkins and pumpkin banners (to go with your pumpkin treats you had made ahead of time) and even a very realistic cauldron for the bobbing for apples game. Granted, her decor was very mild and not scary, spare one thing she splurged on. She set up one of those spiders that jump out at you when you walked past it, then put it by the entry.

“Jaehee... I didn’t know you were so diabolical...” you chuckled, putting batteries in the machine to get it running.

“I just want to see Mr. H- I mean Jumin, jump. He has a fear of spiders you know.”

“I’ll be sure to get it on camera,” you winked at her.

The next step was getting all dressed up. You started with the hair dye, which blended surprisingly well with her now-long hair. It wasn’t too neon, but enough that you could tell she was now a redhead. You helped her with some winged eyeliner, as she had never done a wing herself, and some sparkly pink lipgloss. Once she was all dressed, you took a step back to admire your handiwork. “Jaehee, you look kinda hot,” you complimented, suddenly feeling extremely embarrassed.

Her cheeks shot red from the compliment as she worked hard to look anywhere but your eyes. “You don’t think it’s too much?”

“No, I think you look exactly like her. Now will you help me get this wig on?”

Turns out getting a wig on is a two, probably three honestly, person task. Especially with your baby hairs that kept falling out of place. Luckily, Jaehee helped you fix it until it was absolutely perfect. You got all dressed next. “What do you think?” You asked, doing a little spin.

“They really didn’t include the glasses with the costume?” She asked, turning the bag upside-down to ensure you hadn’t missed anything. “Huh. Well, luckily for us I think I still have my old pair.”

Jaehee disappeared to the back. You heard a lot of rustling through drawers before she came back victorious. “No prescription or anything, just regular frames.” She carefully put them on your face. “Perfect. Now you look the part.”

You opened your phone camera to check your outfit. “We look GOOD! Best couples costume ever.” You glanced at the time. “And just in time too. We’ve gotta get to the front so we can see everyone get scared by the spider.

Jumin and Yoosung arrived together, no surprise since Yoosung was still his acting assistant. Jumin jumped slightly at the spider, but it was nowhere close to Yoosung, who backed into Jumin so quickly that he knocked the both of them over. You and Jaehee couldn’t contain your laughter, not making any movement to help them up.

Luckily there were no injuries, as the two got up relatively fast and made their way over to you. “Oh Assistant K- I mean, Jaehee,” Jumin said to you, “Some days I miss you more than others. And this is definitely one of those days.” He obviously did and didn’t mean it at the same time; he was teasing Yoosung. But oh! More pressing matters at hand.

“I’m not Jaehee,” you giggled. Jumin’s mouth fell open in shock. Obviously you were right; your voices were quite different, but you really pulled a fast one on him.

“Forgive me. I just thought... well, what are you two anyways?”

“You don’t know? They’re from Scooby Doo!” Yoosung yelled, very surprised that Jumin didn’t recognize it.

“Scooby huh?”

“Scooby Doo! It’s a kids show. You’re... more hopeless than I thought,” he said sadly.

“You two look nice! Frankenstein and his monster. Very creative.” You complimented them.

The conversation was halted when Zen walked in the room, bumping into the glass door as he jumped away from the spider. You all laughed this time.

Zen was quickly followed by Seven and V, who were not shocked by the spider at all. Figures. Zen was a vampire, V was dressed as a pirate, and Seven was... oh god why was he in his maid costume.

“You all look nice!” Jaehee complimented. “Let me get some music on and then we’ll start everything up.”

“Jaehee, that’s you!?” Zen exclaimed. “You look great!”

“Thanks!” She called. The Monsrer Mash started playing. She made her way back to the group. “Although it wasn’t exactly my idea.”

“I am a genius, I know.” You commented, accepting your praise. Jaehee hit your shoulder playfully and you got the party started.

The activity of the night was bobbing for apples. Was this a good idea? Probably not. But it’d be fun. You got to man the station and time how long it took everyone to get their apples. Jumin took the longest... literally over three minutes because he didn’t want to hurt his teeth. Zen was the quickest, trying to make sure he beat Jumin, which was not challenging to do.

Jaehee finished her turn and got right in the middle of the times. Her lipgloss was smeared down her face. “You know, maybe this idea had a few flaws,” you giggled, grabbing a paper towel to help her dry her face off. You very gently patted her face dry, using your finger to gently wipe the lipgloss away. It was strangely intimate and the two of you were both flushing messes, despite the fact that you were literally dating. No makeup problems for you though! The only issue was that the glasses fell off in the water, traditional Velma style, and the game became bobbing for glasses.

Zen’s prize for winning was a caramel apple designed to look like a pumpkin. Pretty creative from you and Jaehee to be honest. He rubbed it in Jumin’s face nonstop, and you figured he would for the next year until the next contest.

When it came down to voting for the best costume, it was no surprise to read out the results. Everyone had voted for Jaehee. There was one vote for you of course, because Jaehee was a supportive girlfriend and would NEVER vote for herself. Even Seven didn’t vote for himself which was, honestly, quite a relief. You were proud that her costume was so good Seven considered it better than his “Mary Vanderwood III” getup, whatever that meant.

Jaehee’s very special prize was homemade chocolate and pretzel bark the two of you had made the other night. Honestly, you were glad she won because it was so good and she would share it with you.

The two of you stayed all night. You sort of had to, considering it was taking place at your coffee shop. But you had a great time dishing out (non alcoholic) drinks and pumpkin cookies and candy.

You played pin the stem on the pumpkin (which V actually won, which honestly should not surprise anyone) and spent most of the time hearing everyone complaining about the Monster Mash playing for the fiftieth time. It wasn’t your fault. There weren’t that many Halloween songs and this one was Jaehee’s absolute favorite.

Once everyone left, the two of you plopped down on the sofa in the corner of the shop. “I’m so tired,” Jaehee groaned, resting her head on your shoulder and propping her feet up. “You sure we can’t just sleep here tonight?”

You laughed, chest shaking as you giggled, causing Jaehee to shift slightly. “We still have to open tomorrow at 6. And as much fun as it sounds to stay the night here, I’m worried your hair will become permanently orange if we don’t wash it out.”

She let out an exhasperated sigh, standing up and taking your hands to help pull you up. “Okay, but only if you help me wash it out. I’m too tired, and I don’t think I’ll be able to get the back.”

You winked at her. “Sure, whatever you say, Jaehee.”

#mystic messenger #mysme #jaehee Kang #Halloween

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ashintheairlikesnow · 5 years

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Exactly What You Need: Owen

To the Anon who won the “guess the post-apocalyptic New Zealand kids’ show Owen Grant had a guest star role on”: Here is your requested drabble! Owen Grant, the night he ordered Kauri.

CW: Owen is a fucking creep. Implied/referenced assault/abuse with younger!Vincent Shield, manipulate/abusive thoughts, dehumanization. Owen Grant is a dark man and people triggered by abuser thoughts regarding rape/assault should please heed that and stay safe

Tagging: @maybeawhumpblog, @pepperonyscience, @haro-whumps, @18-toe-beans, @burtlederp, @finder-of-rings,

It started with the hair, and the eyes.

Originally, he hadn’t really thought about Vince, exactly - he was just… he was just kind of lonely, and he’d been scrolling the Whumpees-R-Us site, thinking about how it seemed like basically everyone with a name worth knowing and a good stock portfolio had one of the Box Boys or Box Babes now.

And it might be nice to have someone around here to talk to. It’s not like he could talk to the fucking Roomba.

The condo was gorgeous, and he went out to lunch a few times a week with Nicole and some of the former costars and everything that he’d kept in touch with, went to conventions, even wrote an introduction for a book on the dark side of child acting that was pretty well received. He went to the gym three days a week, he watched a bunch of Youtubers that updated pretty regularly. Owen kept himself busy, basically, and none of it stopped him from being really. fucking. lonely.

His mother had called one night after he’d been drinking for two or three hours straight, slowly killing a bottle of gin and a bag of limes while sending increasingly drunken text messages to no one in particular.

He and his mother still talked two or three nights a week. He was probably the only former child actor he knew who still had a really close relationship with his mom… or at least as close as your relationship can be when you’re lying to her about fucking everything about yourself.

She knew anyway. She’d been the one to help him cover it all up with Vince, what happened, why they never spoke again. She knew - but her constituents were bigoted assholes and in the part of the country Carlotta Grant set her sights on, you have to play to the bigoted asshole or you don’t get elected.

His mom was the biggest bitch he knew, but she wasn’t a bigot, exactly. Just happy to roll over for them for the sake of her Senate career. It would kill her ambitions if too much about Former Child Star Owen Grant got into the news, so Owen lied to everybody and everybody pretended to believe him. He’d been lying about it since he was still acting, it’s not like it was that hard to just… keep lying, right?

Even if he’d sort of hoped quitting acting - getting away from Vince and what happened - making his own life out here away from everyone… he’d sort of hoped he could stop lying, then. But nope. Mom got all political and Owen kept on lying.

He’d fucking hate her for it, if he didn’t love her so much.

In any case, she’d called and Owen had been trashed and it… well. The whole time he’d had the Whumpees-R-Us site up, looking through options, scrolling past faces that weren’t right. Or they almost were. But they weren’t the one he wanted.

“Mom, I just want someone here who cares about me,” Owen had said, heavily, into the phone. He knew his words had gone slightly slurred, and he waited for her derision - his mother was the queen of it, after all, of cutting you apart with words alone. “Listen to this - a Whumpees-R-Us nonproductive pet can arrive with any skillset you require or phys, physical combination of- shit, sorry, Mom, I’m drunk-”

“Yes. I can quite tell you are. Don’t be ridiculous, Owen, you’re not getting one.”

“I’m a grown-ass man, Mom, and I say I am.”

“Would you at least order a girl?”

There it is, Owen thought. Carlotta Grant didn’t care if her only child bought a living human person, just if it fit the version her constituents wanted to see.

He took incredible pleasure is pausing long enough to take another long sip of lime and gin before he answered, “Oh, it’ll definitely be a boy.”

“Owen…” Carlotta sighed, heavily. “Darling. We talked about this.”

“No, you talked about it. At great length, no matter how often I asked you to stop. I want a boy and I’ll have one. Here’s a compromise, Mom - what if I don’t let it leave? I’ll keep it in here with me, they can train it to not be able to even walk out the door without me.”

“Owen…”

“Take it or leave it, Mom.”

Carlotta went quiet again, for much longer this time. Then she finally said, “Fine. Owen… I know that my decision was difficult for you-”

“All of your decisions are difficult for me, Mom.”

“Your decisions haven’t exactly been easy for me, either. Vincent Shield could still cause trouble for me, if he ever chooses to air what you did to him publicly.”

“He won’t. We told him I’d stay away from him if he kept it hush-hush, and he did. He won’t say anything to anyone, Mom. You can trust him. I couldn’t, but you can. It doesn’t help his career either, you know, if they find out about him.” Owen felt his throat catch, had to swallow hard against the tears.

“Right. We don’t need them find out about your latent sadism, either, but I suppose I must put my trust in the career aspirations of Vincent Shield. Get whatever you want, Owen, but I had better not see it step one foot outside of that condominium if it makes it into the news.”

They spoke for a while longer, about nothing and relatives and people who had recently died or pissed his mother off, senate bills she was worried about and Owen’s latest project bankrolling a documentary exposing a monopolizing pharmaceutical giant, and the whole time Owen’s mind wasn’t on the conversation at all, but on Vincent fucking Shield.

They’d been inseparable. They’d made promises to each other. Then Owen had fucked one tiny little thing up - just the one thing, and it hadn’t even been that bad, what he’d done, and Vincent had probably liked it anyway - and Vincent had left and never came back.

He glanced down at his empty glass with a bit of ice that still clinked, and then up at the Whumpees-R-Us website. Create a completely customized option for minimal surcharges and receive the perfect pet of your dreams.

He poured more gin, added another twist of lime. “You know what my perfect fucking pet is?” He asked no one in particular. The Roomba beeped softly under the couch in its docking station. “Vincent Shield’s my perfect fucking pet. Make him feel pretty fucking sorry for what he did. They don’t have anyone on here who even looks like him…”

Then his blurry, bleary eyes caught a line at the bottom of the pictured Box Boy options. This does not represent the totality of what Whumpees-R-Us can provide. Send us your requirements and we will dedicate ourselves to fulfilling your every need, with an added surcharge.

So he clicked on the custom order form for Box Boys, watching it load, blinking at how fucking huge the page was. And it started with a simple box that asked what kind of pet you were searching for.

Owen very nearly wrote I’m so fucking lonely.

Instead, he settled for Companion.

The screen blinked and new options appeared. Platonic, Romantic, Domestic, or Combination?

Owen snorted. Platonic. He wasn’t some fucking sicko, he was just looking for someone to bring some life into this place. But… maybe it was just that he was drunk, or maybe it went deeper than that. In any case, a thought came to mind. He pictured wide blue eyes in a face that used to be pale, now tanned on all the movie posters. Thought of those eyes full of tears, for him. Then… then he thought of what it might be like if those eyes weren’t full of tears, but something else.

The thing Vincent had owed him, and had never been able - or willing - to give.

Then he unclicked his previous decision, and chose Combination.

We will return to detailed specifics of your [Combination] requirements in a later section. For now, please list physical requirements for your Box Boy.

Owen swallowed, looked up the photo of the movie poster for Dimmer Switch, with 20-year-old Vincent Shield and 17-year-old Owen Grant in action poses against a dark background and a glowing light. Vincent’s face was clearly visible - soft and slightly sweet-looking, wide blue eyes, curly black hair. Long limbs and kind of a slim body type, not as muscled-up as he was now.

Not that Owen kept up with his career or what he looked like now, or anything.

He started with the hair, and the eyes. At first it felt wrong, like he was trying to build a Frankenstein’s monster for himself, but it was all perfectly legal and if it was really wrong, why were so many people buying them now?

No, this was fine.

Owen was fine.

He was going to bring Vincent Shield home, and once Vince came back here, he was never, ever going to be able to leave.

He checked every box, wrote down details. At the bottom of the physical requirements section there was a spot to upload photo references, and he added the movie poster, some other pictures from magazine interviews from back then, he and Vince together in a few of them. Shots of Vince with the mop of curly hair and a bright wide smile, flashing whitened teeth. Shots of Vince with his arm around Owen, the both of them grinning for the photographer.

It took nearly two hours to finish, and by the end of it he’d stopped being drunk or maybe he was drunker than ever, but he’d entered a place of perfect clarity about his decision. He was about to spend a lot of money on this boy.

It was going to be perfect.

In the final box for any added comments not covered by the questionnaire, Owen Grant typed, Make it so he can never, ever leave me without fear. Make it so he wants my touch more than anything else in the world. Make it so he would lose his mind before he’d lose me. I want him to be sweet, and kind of a soft person. I want him to put up with anything I do to him.

He paused, considering, and then added one more thing.

I want him to love me.

Then he pressed SUBMIT, made himself drink a glass of water, and passed out in his bed.

When he woke up the next morning, the Roomba was in the middle of a cleaning routine and his phone was ringing. He squinted at a number he didn’t know, but decided to answer it on kind of a whim. His number was private and only a few people had it - if someone was calling he didn’t know, it was probably one of his mom’s staff members. “Hello?”

“May I speak with Mr. Owen Grant?” A warm, melodic voice spoke on the other end of the line.

“Ah, this is Owen Grant.”

“This is Karen Renford, Client Satisfaction Director at Whumpees-R-Us. We received your request for a custom order last night and I’ve just had time to review it. There is… an exceptional amount of specialization in this order form, Mr. Grant.”

“I… I know. Shit. Oh, sorry.”

“No apologies required. I indulge in a bit of profanity myself on occasion.”

“The, the order form… was it too much?”

Too much to hope for, that Vince’s blue eyes could be all for him. Too much to dream, that he could fix all his old mistakes. Too much, to think he could keep someone here when Vince had run so far, so fast, and made it impossible to get close again.

“Not at all. We are aware of your… connections, Mr. Grant. We would love to work with you on this request, and hope you would let your influential mother know how excited we were to be given this opportunity to truly prove the merits of our methods.”

Owen tried not to audibly snort.

“We already have a suitable candidate in mind who is most of the way through his basic training, although there have been a few… hiccups.”

“Hiccups?”

“Ah, it’s all part of the process.” She did not quite laugh, but there was a lilt to her voice that suggested she wanted to. “645898 is a sweet soul at heart, once you take apart the rest of him. I think he’ll be perfect for what you need.”

“So why the phone call?”

“It is customary for the company to directly contact clients of your… discerning and exacting taste. Considering the costs associated with so many specialized requests-”

“I am more than able to pay the amount owed, Ms. Renford.”

“Oh, we know that. This isn’t about money at all, Mr. Grant. Whumpees-R-Us is dedicated to client satisfaction, and it’s my job to look at this form, speak directly with you, and ensure that you receive exactly what you need.”

“So you can make him… want to stay here? Not able to leave?”

“Can we make him ‘love’ you, as you requested on your form?” Her voice held no mockery, no hint of judgement. “Mr. Grant, your request is considerable, but I believe we can ensure that your boy won’t ever be able to take a step out the front door without you by his side. We can make sure those big blue eyes are focused entirely on you, no matter what you do to him.”

Owen’s free hand clenched slowly into a fist, and something twisted and untwisted inside of him.

Vince’s eyes, all on me. No matter what I do.

“That sounds perfect,” Owen breathed out, shifting in the bed. “I want him to think I’m safe. That I’m the safest thing in the whole world.”

No matter how much I hurt him.

#whump #box boy #box boy multiverse #owen grant is a nice guy #pet whump #dehumanization #erase to control #intimate whumper #creepy whumper #tw: abusive language

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alarawriting · 4 years

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Poodle Pressure

(I wrote this for my first college-level creative writing class, in 1987 I think. The assignment was for a group of us to take an existing classic title -- ours was “The Turn of the Screw” -- and re-imagine a completely different story based on the title. We decided to write about a college student who is cracking under the pressure (I wonder why college students would pick such a topic... :-))

I have edited this slightly to remove some cultural references from the time period that don’t make sense anymore and add some from later time periods that do, and I’ve changed the title, and it’s nowhere near complete enough to be a story on its own -- mine was part 2, and I also did the part 4 but without 1 and 3 I can’t actually even see how 2 related to 4 anymore -- but I thought I’d post it because I didn’t know jack shit about neurodivergence then but I bet a lot of people will find this relateable.)

TW for fantasized violence against dogs. No actual dogs within the fictional universe were harmed during the making of this story.

That damn dog is barking again.

It never fails. Every goddamn morning at 7 am, the dog wakes me up. There’s this idiot down there who won’t walk the dog until 7:30, and never mind how many people the dog wakes up. Maybe I should organize a lynching party. You know, maybe get together with ten other people who aren’t too stoned to help. “We’ve come for your dog, lady!” We could grab the dog – and the girl would be screaming, of course, “My puppy, my baby! Don’t hurt my Tootsie!” or whatever the thing’s name is. Then we could drag it out and hang it by its leash to a telephone pole. Cut its throat, maybe, to warn the other dogs. All its fluffy purebred fur all bloody. This can happen even to a purebred poodle, you mutts. So shut up!

What would we have then? Dog retribution? Would the neighborhood Shepherds and Dalmations and Dobies circle around my door at night, with a Gary Larsonesque human doll to burn in effigy? Ah, the hell with it, Berke, you could never get a lynch mob together anyway. Not even a petition.

Why don’t I get up and tell that woman off? “Lady, get your dog to be quiet or I’ll burn off its goddamn fluffy fur.” Yeah, that’s it. Think I will…

Berke, who the hell do you think you’re fooling?

You know, I was up late last night, studying for my goddamn Bizarre Equations class, aka Physics That Make No Sense If You’re Euclid or Newton. I don’t need this. Don’t need a fluffy dog yapping because its mistress (take that any way you want) won’t let it out. It’s 7:10 AM, do you know where all your cramming went? Do you know where your sleep went? Don’t you want to kill that dog?

Why don’t I just put on my slippers and go downstairs and knock on that woman’s door? “Lady, get the lead out, you’re gonna have to scrape your dog off the wall if you don’t let it out.” I said this already, didn’t I?

Okay. Truth time. I don’t have the guts. That’s it in a nutshell. What if I went down there and she called the cops on me? That’d be all I need, with a goddamn exam coming up today. Ol’ Papa Einstein, “I want to know God’s thoughts, the rest are details.” Okay, Al, why don’t you tell me what God thinks of a barking poodle?

You know, I bet if her window broke, that poodle would jump right out and splat itself all over the ground. And wouldn’t that be something. Release, you know? The poodle’s all bottled up in the environment, full of energy. Lots of pressure. So you puncture the apartment and release the poodle pressure, and the poodle comes rushing out and turns itself into a bloody pancake.

---

I don’t know why I did that.

I thought I had it all out of my system, you know, writing it down’s supposed to be the next best thing to talking to a shrink or a friend, assuming you have one of either, right? So I just finished writing about the poodle, but it was just getting me madder and madder. So I picked up my sneaker, went out on my balcony, leaned way over like this is one of those cautionary tales where the young man planning mischief falls ten stories to his death, except I was smart enough to keep my foot chocked against one of the bars so the worst I’d have done is shatter my tibia, and I took my big heavy waterproof hiking sneaker and I threw it through her window, just to the right of her balcony.

As in through. As in it didn’t bounce off like I half expected it to. It shattered her window and went in. And now I have no sneaker.

I don’t know why I did that. I mean, the dog didn’t shut up or anything, in fact it just got louder, and now I’m going to have to go around in my socks all day. How the hell am I supposed to go to class in my socks? I could cut class, but what do I do about my exam? “I couldn’t take my exam because my sneaker was stuck in some lady’s apartment because I was too chickenshit to go ask for it back.” What the hell kind of excuse is that?

I suppose I could try to steal the sneaker back. When she takes the dog out – and it still hasn’t shut up, you know – I could sneak downstairs and into her apartment and take the sneaker. I mean, I can’t ask her for it – “Excuse me, I’m the guy who threw a sneaker at your window, can I have it back?” Maybe I could make an excuse. “Uh, yes, I was – I was testing the wind, yeah, I was testing the wind by holding my sneaker out the window, and it slipped, yeah, that’s it, and, and the wind blew it through your window. Yeah, that’s the ticket!” Nah. I’m gonna have to steal it back.

My God what’ll happen if she catches me? She’ll know it was my sneaker. It fits my foot. “Excuse me, sir, but why the hell did you throw a sneaker and break my window?” What can I say? “Your dog was bugging me?”

Oh, fuck, this is not going to work. Maybe if I wear six or seven pairs of socks, nobody will know the difference. Yeah. “Hey, Berke, like your new shoes.” “Uh, yeah, they’re the latest thing. Flexible Footwear. They’re eco-friendly.” I could say I was adapting to Japanese custom – “I left my sneakers in the lobby. I didn’t want to mark up the nice floor.” “It’s covered by a rug, moron.” “Well, uh, I was Japanese in a past life, you know?” No. That won’t work. I better steal the thing.

What if I cut? “I had to miss the exam on Einsteinian physics because of dire emergency. I had 24-hour AIDS.” Oh, yeah. Right. “I broke my leg but Magic Leg Glue helped me fix it right up! Only $29.99 if you order now!” “My mother died and I had to be present at the reading of the will or miss out on $30 million bucks, you can have a million of it if you just pretend I took the test and got an A.” No, I can’t cut. But how’m I going to steal that sneaker back?

Well. What if I call her up and pretend to be her boyfriend. I’ll tell her to meet me at the usual place, and I’ll burglarize her apartment while she’s out. Only one problem. I don’t know if she even has a boyfriend. Or if she even likes guys. Or her phone number. Or what her name is. That’s four problems, I’ll come in again.

I don’t even know her goddamn name, and I’ve broken her window.

There she goes! Walking her dog! I can just go downstairs now and get my sneaker back. Just slip on down…

There’s someone fixing that window from the inside.

Oh, shit, this has got to be a nightmare. Things like this don’t happen to real people. Why the hell did I throw that sneaker? Did I really believe the poodle would jump out? It was just so vivid… And so stupid. How the hell could I be that idiotic? Why did I throw that sneaker?

I’m tired…

---

My exam is taking place right now. I can’t go. I’m a sneakerless prisoner here.

Maybe I should borrow a shoe from Wood. He’s an asshole, but he’s my size, or close enough… still time…

I think I’ll go back to sleep. When I wake up everything will be normal again and I won’t have lost my sneaker and I won’t have missed my exam. Okay?

You listening?

---

I met a girl the other day.

She wasn’t what you would call a real girl, she was a fake girl, you know? Like some mad scientist boiled down a hundred girls to get to the essence of girl and then poured it into a composite body. Like the Bride of Frankenstein, All-American version. Or what if Professor Utonium didn’t put Chemical X in the mixture so Bubbles grew up without superpowers, as a pure construct of sugar, spice and everything nice. A 3-D printed girl from a high-res mold. One of those anime PC idol girls who comes to life. I kept expecting her to disappear in a puff of smoke or something.

---

I want to go home.

Which is not to say I want to go to my house, the place where I live. No, I want to go home. I’ve never been there before. I don’t think anybody has. I don’t think it exists.

I want to live in a sci-fi dimension where the laws of physics are the same but human nature changes so I’m normal and I’m not alone and I feel like I belong. I can’t even imagine what it would be like, a place where I could be at home. But if I ever find it, I’ll know.

#alara early writing

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riathel · 5 years

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Thoughts about Shelley and the Unresolved Questions of Season 12

Well, I am writing a meta post about the Timeless Children and why I think it adds such an interesting complexity to the Master’s relationship with the Doctor, but in the meantime, while I process that finale, I wanted to write about something I’ve noticed this entire season.

The connection to the Shelleys and to Byron.

To TL;DR this post: I think that next season, we’ll get an answer to who the Kasaavin are, it will tie into Percy having had the Cyberium in him (and it having been around Byron’s house), and we’ll get some huge development for Yaz, the Master and the Doctor, as they’ve all been in the Kasaavin realm.

Let’s recap all the times we’ve lingered around Byron and the Shelleys this season, shall we? This includes some very brief history lessons, and I will be including links!

Episode 2: Spyfall Part 2

We meet Ada Lovelace, who has a connection to the Kasaavin. She sees them in her dreams, she’s the one to rescue the Doctor from their realm. Brief history lesson: Ada Lovelace was an absolutely BRILLIANT mathematician and the parent of computers. She was also the only legitimate child of Lord Byron and his wife. She died in 1852 at age 36, taken far too young. I’ll post the scene here for benefit:

[Kasaavin realm] ADA: Please be assured all this will pass. I shall be recovered momentarily. DOCTOR: When you say recovered, what do you mean? ADA: The paralysis will fade. DOCTOR: You don't look paralysed. ADA: Not in this realm, but in my earthly aspect. DOCTOR: Right. What's your name? ADA: I am Ada. DOCTOR: And what do you think this realm is, Ada? ADA: I believe it to be my mind. Though I have not met another here before. DOCTOR: Then what do you think I am? ADA: I presume you are a consequence of my thoughts. DOCTOR: No. I'm the Doctor, and I'm very real. But you've been here before? ADA: Many times. When the paralysis subsides, I find myself fully back in my body, restored in the physical realm. If you are real, do you have your own solution for egress from here? DOCTOR: No exit strategy. Before I leave, I need to work out what this place is. Oh! Those fragments of light or energy, why are they surrounding you? ADA: They are always here with me. They place a word in my mind. Kasaavin? (One of the light creatures appears.) DOCTOR: Ada, step away. ADA: Do not be afraid. This is my guardian. DOCTOR: This is their realm. This is where they're from. But how did you bring us here? Unless... You can't be. But you must be. What, gateways? We go through you and arrive in your realm? I say realm. It's not a planet, not really a void. A separate dimension? Are we beyond our... my universe? ADA: Little of what you are saying makes sense to me, but I am concerned you'll be marooned here. When my guardian has returned... DOCTOR: They're not your guardians. ADA: I can offer you my hand. We may leave this place together. DOCTOR: I don't think that will work. ADA: How will you know if you do not try? Decide, Doctor.

Later in the episode:

DOCTOR: If you're Charles Babbage, then you're not just any old Ada. You're Ada Lovelace, daughter of Lord Byron and Annabella Milbanke, one of the great minds. ADA: I am Ada Gordon, madam. DOCTOR: 1834. Of course you are. Well, maybe one day, who knows, you might meet a nice Earl. This changes everything! This isn't an accident. Ada Lovelace in Babbage's house? You're clues. You're important.

Charles Babbage has the Silver Lady (aka the Kasaavin device) in his house, but Ada is the one who has been being visited by them.

DOCTOR: Ada, when was your first paralysis? ADA: I was 13 years old. That is when I was first transported to the place where we met, and I first saw an apparition. DOCTOR: And over the years, the paralysis recurs with the same effect? ADA: Yes. No doctor has ever been able to diagnose the cause. DOCTOR: Well, this Doctor may be able to. An apparition, from this machine. BABBAGE: Correct. DOCTOR: So, they take you, Ada, multiple times from here and they study you in their dimension, which means they can't be in this dimension for long. But maybe they gain an ally, a mastermind who builds them a machine which stabilises them in this world long enough for them to send spies and to spread their work and start a plan. 'Cause I've seen the map in his hut. Multiple Earths. Except not. Not multiple Earths. Multiple time periods. These creatures aren't just alien spies on Earth, they're spies through Time, through history, starting with you.

Or, at the very least, the Doctor assumed they were starting with Ada. Maybe they started earlier - with her parents. Or maybe the Master found out about the events of The Haunting of Villa Diodati with the Cyberium - but we’ll get to that in time.

Again, Spyfall ends with a neat-ish conclusion as to them being focussed on “computing history” and “human DNA”

DOCTOR: I know what this is. A temporal map, showing every significant person in the development of computers through history, starting with you, Ada. This is the plan. See? BOTH: No. ADA: Wh... what is a computer? DOCTOR: Oh, forget you heard that word, otherwise I've just disrupted the whole of history. Again. Okay. Ah, my brain's fizzing. Good. The Kasaavin posted an agent on every person on that map, because that's what spies do, what Barton does. They gather all the data. Where does the DNA fit in? Kasaavin, technology, DNA. How are they all connected? Oh! Human DNA. That's what they were testing.

Episode 8: The Haunting of Villa Diodati

Gif by itberice.

This is the big episode, where I started to notice it especially. Huh, a bit a coincidence they’re doing Byron when Ada was his daughter. Interesting.

DOCTOR: Okay, so there was a spot of rain, and gale-force winds and a super-long walk. But I got us here, didn't I? And Mary Wollstonecraft Godwin, soon to be Shelley, screamed in your face. Quality historical experience, that. Gold. YASMIN: (sotto) On that night that inspired Frankenstein. FLETCHER: If... you'd be so kind. GRAHAM: Blimey. DOCTOR: Excuse me, Yaz. I was very clear about the rules. RYAN: Nobody mention Frankenstein, and don't interfere. YASMIN: And nobody snog Byron.

This is because, as Tumblr has already noted, Byron is a thot/fuckboi.

BYRON: She walks in beauty, like the night. DOCTOR: Of cloudless climes and starry skies. BYRON: I'm intensely flattered you're familiar with my work, Mrs Doctor. DOCTOR: Just Doctor is fine. I'm quite into Shelley's stuff too. He about?

Then enters the Lone Cyberman (aka Ashad). It is scouring the villa for Percy, to obtain the Cyberium, and cannot find him. When it starts charging up, it begins to quote Percy’s poetry (specifically Queen Mab book 2 and Queen Mab book 3)

CYBERMAN (glowing with energy): There's not one atom of yon Earth, but once was living man. (Book 2) The sword that stabs his peace; He cherisheth The snakes that gnaw his heart; he raises up the tyrant whose delight Is in his woe. (Book 3)

As the episode progresses, Ashad gets the Cyberium back from Percy (who has been dying with it). Even more interestingly though - the Cyberium wants to choose the Doctor.

DOCTOR: And it chooses me. Interesting. Time Lord magnetism. Looks like I'm the true Guardian. (The Cyberium passes into the Doctor.) CYBERMAN: Surrender it or I will execute you. DOCTOR: I'd be very careful with those execution threats. I can feel it already, fusing to me. It feels very at home. Recognising great host material. Not to big myself up, but I don't think it'll vacate me without a fight.

But now we know - she’s not just a Time Lord. So can the Cyberium sense that? Did it know? Or perhaps, even if she were just a Time Lord, it would have preferred her... Anyway, this deviates too hard into my other, upcoming post. I think this episode, the Villa episode, was VITAL in determining what will happen next season.

Episode 10: The Timeless Children

MASTER: Look upon my work, Doctor, and despair.

This is an homage to Percy Shelley’s sonnet, Ozymandias, which contains the iconic lines:

“My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings; Look on my Works, ye Mighty, and despair! Nothing beside remains. Round the decay Of that colossal Wreck, boundless and bare The lone and level sands stretch far away.”

Oh, cute, what a fun little addition, I first thought when I heard it in the finale. (It now occurs to me, while writing this, that the Master might have quoted Shelley to the Doctor because he knows she loves his work. My poor shipper heart.)

Then I thought - hang on. That’s a lot of “coincidental” involvement with the Byrons & Shelleys in this season, especially when the rest of the plots have been so deftly woven with surprises.

The Master mentions to Ashad/the Cyberium that he has the entire Matrix in his head and then he ends up absorbing the Cyberium into him, linking it with him in ways that will have consequences we haven’t even seen yet. It all sets up such a juicy, interesting thread into the next season.

Summary:

What does it all mean? Who can say? I hope this will give us some answer for what the Kasaavin are, where their universe is (is it beyond the Boundary? is it another Boundary?), how the Master found them (was it in the Matrix? did the Time Lords know about them?)

Most importantly: I think Yaz will play a huge role in the next season, given she was in the Kasaavin realm, as will the Doctor and (I suspect/hope) the Master again. This Kasaavin plot-line is still left unresolved, and I will be incredibly interested to see what Chibnall’s plan contains.

This could all just be a very cute, season-long homage to Byron/Shelley... but... it’s very suspicious. Especially given they have an entire two episodes focussed on them/their progeny.

If anyone has any other examples of Percy & Byron or descendants in season 11/12, please add them through reblogs! :D I worry that I haven’t gotten every single moment, or that I missed a couple of them.

Links to biographies:

Ada Lovelace Mary Shelley Percy Shelley Lord Byron

#doctor who #doctor who spoilers #dw spoilers #thirteenth doctor #dhawan!master #best enemies #ashad #spyfall part 2 #the haunting of villa diodati #the timeless children #dw meta #just a fun little meta post about something i found really curious!#thoschei #thirsacha

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pluviophile-bookworm · 5 years

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Thoughts/ reaction to AWAE 3x5

The cold open featuring Beekeeper Gilbert is the golden content I never knew I needed.

Miss Stacy teaching in the midst of nature is gold, but what draws my attention in that scene is the casual mentioning of the birds and the bees that causes half of the girls to get agitated at the thought that they’re finally getting the talk. I see bees are a recurring image in this episode. I admit to not having seen much of this particular scene as I was looking away from the blood.

Gilbert combining his natural talent as a doctor and his new… I wanna say hobby, that is, beekeeping, to help poor baby Ruby is gold. Seriously, this episode has GOLD written all over it in large bold letters and we’re barely 4 minutes in.

“I thought someone died…” The natives calling out the Whites™ for being drama queens have me wondering whose side I am on, and whether there are any sides at all; the fact is, I tend to overreact a lot, but this was a bit too much even for me. But let’s not dwell on this, there are more important scenes coming up and I have already used way too many words.

Yeah… I skipped ahead a bit. The sight of that needle caused me as much horror as it did Moody.

Gilbert ranting about natural medicine not being taught is such a mood. I think taking up beekeeping will do (and is already doing) wonders for his career in medicine.

Rachel babysitting Delly is giving me such strong New Mum vibes… “Please go to sleep”. This is the Rachel Lynde content I never expected to see but I’m glad I did.

And then Delly falls asleep as soon as she hears Marilla’s voice… I’m crying.

“Bash needs a wife” – who are you to decide that for him, Rachel? I was already annoyed with her for trying to play matchmaker for Miss Stacy without being asked to, but this is even more. Marilla is such a mood in this scene.

Matthew being Soft™ to his plants… as if I needed any more proof that he’s a Hufflepuff!

I live and would die for Anne and Diana’s friendship.

I also live for Diana embracing her own feelings rather than her mother’s visions of what’s “proper” and “improper”. And for the hint of her doing it just partially to spite her mother…

Honestly, Gilbert staying inside and reading the paper with Miss Stacy while everyone else is fussing about the Take Notice board is so in character. It emphasizes the fact that he is actually the adult of the class. I wonder what would make him more interested in the board, though…

Anne the Feminist™ is fascinated about the female doctor

Ok, but… who gives Charlie, by “noticing” Anne, and Diana, by walking in on her and Gilbert almost having a moment, the right to interrupt said moment before it’s even fully developed?

Anne is totally me in her reaction to (1) being noticed and (2) the news about the dance.

“Sebastian, take a seat.” If I were Bash in that scene, I would be thinking “How about you stop telling me what to do in my own home?”

Now she wants to take Delly away from him? And she thinks that’s good for anyone? Seriously, Rachel Lynde should mind her own business. But I bet she has no business of her own, otherwise she wouldn’t obsess so much over what everyone else is doing.

Anne’s reaction to Charlie posting about her gives off “Belle Reprise” from Beauty and the Beast vibes.

“Anne Shirley-Cuthbert-Sloane!” Try Anne Shirley-Cuthbert-Blythe instead. And boy, does this girl have a lot of last names! She’s becoming a bit like Hispanic royalty.

Both Jerry and Diana telling white lies to their friends so they can meet up – classic forbidden romance. I love it!

Look at my boy Jerry quoting Frankenstein! I feel like a proud mother – except, of course, for the fact that I am not a mother and I have no trace of merit in this beautiful achievement. Also, the way she holds the book to her heart, like it’s him, or at least a tiny part of him; and the way he looks back at her… I know this is a whole other fandom, but Andi Mack has taught me that lookbacks are important. My fragile little heart is melting! I might be aromantic by orientation, but I’m still a sucker for beautiful, poetic romantic scenes like this one. This is my new favourite scene of the entire series. If I could bottle it up and save it for a rainy day, oh how I would!

The scene of Gilbert and Bash talking about Mary being followed immediately by Matthew talking to Belle about her becoming a mum… I feel that they are a heartbreaking yet heartwarming representation of the cycle of life and death. Moira has done it again.

Also, Anne’s dress in this scene reminds me of the first dress she was wearing when she arrived. It’s a nice callback, if anything.

That scene of Diana reading in bed reminded me so much of me. I know that feeling so well, feeling a special connection to a book, even for some reason outside the book itself. And, sure, Frankenstein is far from the most romantic of books, but now it will forever be a thing between her and Jerry. And that’s in my opinion, is that special external connection to the book.

Aaand… Rachel Lynde didn’t just try to make the practice dance another matchmaking session for her son and Miss Stacy, did she?

I know everybody talks about Anne and Gilbert in this scene, but my eyes were more focused on my spirit animal Ruby – she is so me, being uncomfortable with the whole thing and the touching and whatnot… except in her it is the result of boys and girls being discouraged from making any kind of contact to one another until they’re old enough for courtship according to their community’s standards. What did people at that time think when they did that? That giving young people virtually no sex ed and doing anything and everything they could to keep boys and girls away from each other – did they think this is the way to raise functional, well-informed people? Because seeing poor Ruby here sure makes me think that her society didn’t do a very good job at that. And the fact that all the girls, even the ones that should pass as intelligent and well-read like Anne and Diana, believe they can get pregnant by just the touch of a boy is just another proof that this is not the way to raise teenagers.

One thing that calms me at least a little is that now they have Miss Stacy and she can, albeit a bit awkwardly at first, educate them on the matter. And I love the fact that she mentions consent because that is really important.

And there’s the sugar – the heart eyes, the longing looks, the held gaze… every single trope about looking at someone special is there in that one scene. I love the way they act so expressively with just their eyes. Seriously, kudos to Amybeth and especially Lucas.

Oh my, there it is! That scene from the preview that everybody has been speculating and freaking out about for weeks. I got literal chills, goosebumps and everything. This scene generated a lot of discourse and it was definitely not for nothing.

Oh my, oh my! The dance is done but they just won’t stop staring right into each other’s souls through those fantastically expressive eyes… I might just die right now, but at least I’ll die happy.

Aaand… the moment is gone and now there’s just tension and awkwardness so thick in the air that you could cut them with a knife – and a knife might not even do the job, if you get what I mean.

Ok, I didn’t think things could get any more awkward, but then we have the exchange with Charlie and it’s even more awkward than Moody telling Diana “[her] dress is very… blue” back in the season premiere. But this awkwardness is different. There’s no tension, no real chemistry. At least that’s how I see it.

The parallel between Anne and Gilbert cooking and ranting about the dance and its consequences for them counts as a Shirbert scene, right?

I love Anne with all my heart but right now I wish she could just go away for a second. She’s third-wheeling and making Diana act cold towards Jerry, which might give him the wrong impression and ruin everything…

Also, I wish Diana would confide in Anne about the thing she has going on with Jerry. It couldn’t possibly make matters worse, now could it?

If Jerry was so confused, and then so happy about the handkerchief, it probably wasn’t really his. It must have been left by Diana. The initials, though… the only J.B. in Diana’s family I can think of is Josephine. If it was hers and Diana left it for Jerry, it would be so nice… Ok, why am I being so stupid? She MADE it for him. Especially. J.B. is him and only him right now. Apparently certain other scenes have temporarily deprived me of the ability to think.

The “Is that how reproduction works” scene is awkward, of course, and it is a different, third kind of awkward: not like Shirbert after the dance or like Anne and Charlie after that. It’s that kind of awkward moments that people with anxiety like me think of when they can’t sleep at night. I mean, just imagine asking your big love to give you the talk. Or having to give the talk to them.

Ruby, Ruby, my sweet summer child Ruby… “what has he seen”? He’s literally delivered a child, for one. Unprepared, at that. But seriously, Gilbert being all like “in my medical experience” – okay, we get it, Mr. Mature Adult Doctor. No offense, though, I love him.

That obituary was just about the best homage they could have paid to Mary, and Bash reading the whole thing to Delphine was both heartbreaking and heartwarming. Now that I use those two words for the second time in relation to Mary’s passing, I feel like these are the emotions I feel about it every time. Every single time.

Baby Delly is the most precious little thing I’ve ever seen.

The Barrys are finally doing something really good (I’m not saying they’re bad people or bad parents, just that they can be a little… stuck in their ways) by deciding to help Bash’s family now and realizing they have missed their chance of getting to know Mary while she was there and giving it to them. I sure hope they allow their daughters, both of them, to have the life they chose, not the one that was predetermined for them by parents and tradition and some twisted idea of class distinction and propriety. They deserve to be given that freedom.

The girls’ ritual was one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen in my life. How empowering, how beautifully sacred, how emotionally pure and true. And Ruby finally accepted herself as a woman… I relate to that on a deep level because it was hard for me to accept the change from girl to woman when I was that age, too – not so long ago, really. The thing is, there is no real difference between a girl and a woman. I think each one should decide for herself which one she is, and we shouldn’t forget that we have both inside us at all times.

Oh my, oh my! This was honestly one of the most beautiful episode endings I’ve seen on this series and there have been a lot. This baby foal is one of the cutest things ever, a true embodiment of the miracle of life. How fascinating!

So, let’s sum up. In this episode, we saw: the importance of honey; lots of awkward teenage courting; Gilbert going back to medicine; Rachel Lynde sticking her nose into other people’s business even more than usual; Jerry and Diana’s beautiful forbidden romance and character growth; misconceptions about… conception; Shirbert – the whole spectrum of it: awkwardness, tension, angst, heart eyes, lost of eye acting in general; different kinds of awkwardness involving different people, but mostly Shirbert; girl empowerment; and last but not least, the circle of life. I was going to say I want more episodes like this one, but, frankly, I don’t think that’s possible. This was BEAUTIFUL!

#anne with an e #awae #awae season 3 #anne shirley #anne shirley cuthbert #gilbert blythe #diana barry #jerry baynard #ruby gillis #shirbert #anne x gilbert #diana x jerry #jerry x diana #reaction #review #jnkpoetry #jnk poetry #long post #jnk watches awae

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isaacdian · 4 years

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hope you don't mind me asking, do you have any Isaac and Miria headcanons? i'd love to read some from you. you appear to have a good grasp on the characters, and great love for them. :)

aw thank you so much for the ask, sure thing!

some of these will probably get into theory territory as well, because i’ve had the novels sitting in my mind for years now, and there are a few details i’d like to mention (beware of baccano light novel spoilers, just in case).

this could get a bit long, so you can read it below the cut:

i’ll write my headcanons/thoughts in no particular order. more people might have come to similar conclusions, but i don’t think i’ve seen any posts or had any discussions with anyone regarding these (at least in depth), so!

- i like to think that miria and isaac ran away from their then (seemingly) unhappy lives after they got to interact with each other for quite a while, and not spontaneously upon meeting for the first time.

there isn’t much evidence to back this up beyond some characters commenting that they “were probably runaways” or that “maybe they eloped”, so they might have escaped together on the spot, since we already know they can be very impulsive. however, i get this feeling that their bond took some time to develop, and i’d love to see some of their interactions as isaac dian —and— miria harvent before they ever became isaac & miria, if that makes sense.

i doubt they met too long before their string of robberies, though? this is such a weirdly specific and probably meaningless thing to pinpoint, but in 1935 miria asks isaac if he’s ever been to the circus, and he responds that he does remember animals, but he doesn’t remember if that was the circus or the zoo. this hardly means anything, but their circumstances overall don’t really make me think that they’ve known each other since they were too young.

- whatever optimism and general exhilaration regarding life isaac has is innate. on the other hand, miria has mostly acquired her own sense of hopefulness over time, with isaac’s help.

miria is a 100% confirmed literal ray of sunshine and this indisputable. it just hasn’t/doesn’t always come to her as effortlessly as it may seem. bloody to fair isaac and miria magic show color page.png

this is somewhat related to the next one (and also the last point i’ll mention at the end of this post):

- when isaac gets arrested and he and miria get separated in 1934, they’re both having an equally hard time dealing with this.

okay this one is like. obvious ksjksk. but i wanted to talk about how they deal with this situation, because at first glance it looks like miria got the shortest end of the stick here. and in a way, that might be true! i’ve already mentioned that miria herself has been shown thinking about how much isaac helped her to be happy, and narita has been deliberately vague regarding the nature of their silliness, on top of hinting at the possibility of their shenanigans being a kind of mechanism to escape the harsh realities of life from the rolling bootlegs (very first novel), if i recall correctly.

(btw:

i recall that somewhere in the 1935 arc, graham starts talking with the usual “let me tell you a sad, sad story” prelude. however, isaac and miria are upset by this, and they tell him that he shouldn’t tell sad stories, because if you do it, your happiness will run away. meanwhile, this part in cloudy to rainy living rent free in my head:

i have to laugh..........)

that being said, i couldn’t help but feel like isaac was having an equally bad time, even if he displayed it in a different and not so blatant way. while i was rereading the novels after i got to buy the official english release, i felt very strongly that something was definitely wrong about their separation, which, again, is obvious to us readers and to the characters who know isaac & miria. but it extends beyond that. there was this general feeling of knowing that whoever came across an unaccompanied isaac would magically feel like there was something missing. i don’t know how else to explain this. he’s still full of energy and optimism and he’s fueled by his desire to reunite with miria, but every time he’s shown hesitating or doesn’t reach a satisfying conclusion while thinking about a frivolous topic, it hits you like “oh... right” (firo didn’t help much on that last front, either, so miria and isaac must have had to discuss what exactly happens to fellas who don’t believe in fairies after their reunion... lol)

in short, he needs miria just as much as she needs him. this is something i’ve seen other people mention as well: isaac might be the “force” factor in their relationship, but that force won’t amount to much without miria’s “direction”, and viceversa. the lift each other up, and they keep each other grounded, too.

i’m also remembering isaac and sham’s conversation and just. there’s a self-esteem/confidence factor in there. Fun Game of Spot the Difference

and this is getting ridiculously long, so i’ll spare you from having to read my dumb thots about isaac’s (possibly real) fear of miria not liking him, as the narrator implies, which i subconsciously ended up linking to that one impossibly crack ending in the ds game, where you pick the option of him not knowing frankenstein’s monster’s real name, so miria leaves him after realizing how “cheap and uncool” he is LMAO

- isaac’s father might have been an academic of some sort, as well as a stern man who disapproved of his son’s flighty and childish tendencies.

???????? besides miria’s implied tragic backstory, the most we know about both of their pasts is that isaac comes from a wealthy family with whom he seems to have a bad relationship with, so even though i’ve tried to work out other details (his parents’ provenance for instance?) i can’t really elaborate on this. even if isaac’s knowledge on the topic is pretty scrambled (to put it nicely lol), he knows a lot about “the orient” as he puts it, and the “dian” surname is pretty unique so who knows!👀 i’ve only mentioned his father because isaac, too, has only mentioned his "old man” twice so far in the novels, if i’m not mistaken. in my opinion, it also speaks volumes how flustered isaac got when molsa apologized to him, because it was the first time someone older than him has done this. and this is pretty arbitrary, but if isaac started robbing and getting into trouble before he and miria even met and/or before he got kicked out/ran away from home, that whole deal about “being used to dealing with policemen” (in the unofficial translation i read back in the day it was something along the lines of “this isn’t my first time being interrogated by the police”) in 1934 would make sense, i guess, considering that miria didn’t realize what was going on at the moment even though she’s a fairly perceptive person.

anyways it’s too bad we don’t know that much about miria on this front, also!! i get the vague feeling that she might have also come from a wealthy family (probably not a good environment, though), since in 1935 it’s mentioned that the closest they’ve ever gotten to working/having a job was when they were digging for gold, apparently. that’s why i can’t really think of anything too specific regarding miria’s past and upbringing... i have a feeling that she might have felt alone, trapped and/or overwhelmed. let’s just hope that when she said her bruises would heal up fine with ice in 1935 it had nothing to do with this “i should have died” business :(((

- even though isaac and miria love their friends and would do anything for them, they aren’t particularly attached to anyone (or any place) besides each other.

this is more of an observation than a headcanon, but i find it really interesting: they would definitely do anything for their friends, and they do enjoy life very intensely, but that’s precisely why they don’t seem to be fixed in one singular spot? basically, i feel like they’re the personification of “home is where the heart is” taken to the extreme. they could go anywhere and do anything as long as they have each other, and they will never make any attempts to actively do things that make it easier to label their relationship, such as getting married, which is heavily implied by firo (i think) in 2002 bullet garden (i think!!). that’s also part of the reason why i’m sure they’d never find themselves commiting to things like taking care of a pet, or a child; it’s more like they instantly “adopt” everyone they run into, as if they’ve always been friends, even if they won’t meet again for months, years, or ever again. anyway, isaac and miria are extremely good and they are literally going to be happy together forever and ever! they don’t need to prove that.

that doesn’t mean they’re not sentimental, though! i like to think that they keep some meaningful objects that remind them of fond memories of their friends. and this is hardly canon because it shows up in the anime And in a background at that, but shoutout to the rocking toy horse in their california mine lol.

- miria knew about her own immortality (as well as isaac’s) before the 2000s.

THIS IS PROBABLY MY SPICIEST TAKE and i tried to back it up in the next point of this list. i still keep thinking i’m reading too much, into this but

i can’t stop thinking about the implications, folks

which brings us to:

- miria is smarter than isaac is and actually has a fairly good idea of when he’s making stuff up, but is happy to let him take the lead.

i won’t deny that isaac and miria dedicate a huge chunk of their day to doing moronic stuff, and they are pretty dumb, but i feel like people don’t give them enough credit for how perceptive they are. even though that’s true of the two of them, i feel like this mostly applies to miria.

among other things, we’ve learned that she knows ronny isn’t human and has supernatural powers (wow), which is why she comes to him for help after isaac’s arrest. she’s very good at paying attention to small details, such as the kind of programs ennis watches on tv, or chané’s feelings, when the two talk in 1934. miria also “really knows her way around japanese” and has been shown to --apparently?-- multiply large numbers in her head in 1935... while isaac was talking about how good of an idea it would be to use the martingale betting system. not to mention how isaac stated he “doesn’t know how to count money” earlier in this arc. my god ksdjgjks. i want to know what’s up with this, if anything.

so, yeah! there’s probably more stuff that i could mention, but i am exhausted lol. thank you for your patience anon, i have no idea how long this has been sitting in my inbox. always happy to get baccano questions <3 i apologize for any typos/errors and the like.

bonus headcanon: miria grabs ennis with one hand and chané with her other hand and they go out with their arms linked and excited and they learn more about having fun, as friends do. no printer just fax

#Anonymous #baccano #headcanon

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mrsalwayswrite · 5 years

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To Find the Light Again

This is my contribution to #waiting4Inspiration’s 2k writing challenge. I went a bit overboard but hey, its all good. I’ve never posted stories on here before so if the formatting is off please forgive me.

My prompt was a/b/o dynamics and I chose Bucky Barnes as my muse. I’ve never written an a/b/o story before so it was a fun challenge.

Some dark themes but nothing graphic. Some swearing. That’s about it for warnings.

Chapter 1

The metal chair dug into her back. The stale air in the small enclosed room chilled her. She was unsure how long she had been forced to sit in the uncomfortable chair but her ass was officially numb and her legs were getting there. Thankfully they had taken the restraints off her wrists when they tossed her into the room. No one had entered the room since she was unceremoniously deposited there. At least lights were on, even if it was annoying, flickering florescent lights. She hated the dark. Depending on how long she was kept here, her home emergency protocols would begin to alert the necessary people of her disappearance…abduction…whatever this was. This did not feel like HYDRA but she refused to be anything but a statue. No matter what they did to her, no matter what they said, she would not break. She refused to.

She sat up straight in the chair, hands loosely in her lap and legs under the metal table before her. Keeping her eyes closed, she focused on each slow, deep breath. To any outsider she would appear to be in a meditative state but truthfully, she struggled internally with saying goodbye to her life and those she loved. She did not expect to leave this room alive. The series of events that brought her here only confirmed that.

Some time later the only door scrapped open and into the Spartan room walked someone she had hoped to never see. His alpha scent slammed into her first, like a thick syrup of sharp peppermint that made her eyes threaten to water and throat close up. Her own biology screamed at her to bare her neck and submit to the angry alpha. But she held perfectly still. She would not give in. Opening her eyes, she stared out at the man whom she assumed would be her interrogator. He presented an intimidating presence that any normal person should cower under. His dark skin glistened under the unflattering lights; his long black trench coat floated behind him like a dark cloud. Yet it was the single eye glaring at her from across the table that sent a shiver down her spine. His other eye covered by an ugly eyepatch…it made her wonder what happened.

Slowly and dramatically he tossed several pictures on the table. With a quick glance her blood froze. How did he find these? How did he find me? At least she knew who had captured her now. Not that being held prisoner by the Avengers brought her much comfort.

“Honestly I’m impressed by your performance so far.” The man spoke, voice rough and harsh, as he crossed his arms over his chest. “You’ve been in here three hours and not once have you moved nor spoken since you arrived. Most of the other HYDRA doctors or researchers don’t last nearly as long as you, always cursing or begging. I’m sure you know we are purging the world of the disease HYDRA is…so you have two choices in this. Either you help us on your own free will or we will be forced to use some…unsavory…methods to get information, then after that you can look forward to spending the rest of your life in a damn prison cell. Got it?”

Keeping her lips sealed, she just stared at the pictures laid out haphazardly before her. She looked so different in the photos compared to now.

“Your driver’s license says your name is Alicia Cox but we both know that’s fake, don’t we?” He changed tactics, glancing up at the wall to his left. She had guessed hours ago it was a one-way window. This only confirmed it. “No, when we first found your pictures in a HYDRA base surveillance, we were quite surprised. It took a lot of searching for you, cross matching, records and some good old-fashioned footwork. We even tailed a few other women thinking they were you. Yet here we are now. In the HYDRA paperwork you were referred to as Agent 72. The truth is your name is Jenna Lewis and the last records of you were filed by your college roommate as disappearing one night after a frat party. My guess…HYDRA recruited you and decided whatever undercover mission you were on was no longer necessary. Then with the downfall of Alexander Pierce and the helicarriers, you jumped from the drowning ship before it sucked you under.” Suddenly he slammed his hands on the table and leaned forward, invading her personal space. “But you see, SHIELD might not be what it once was but we are still doing everything to pick up and disposed of all of HYDRA’s rats. So, tell me…Agent 72, were you a spy? A researcher of some kind?”

No response from her. The only sound was the buzzing from the florescent lights and her heart pounding in her ears.

He barked out a harsh laugh. “You got balls but they won’t save you. We have Tony Stark and the Black Widow currently looking into everything they can about you. Whatever secrets you think you can hide form us…well, know we will fuck up anything that gets in our way. Now, I suggest you make yourself comfortable. You will be here a long damn time.”

After one last hesitation, he stood up and exited the interrogation room. When the sound of a lock echoed through the small room, she let her head drop, chin resting on her chest. All the years of hiding, changing identities, living in shitty places, doing everything to stay off the radar led to this. She would have laughed if she could at the situation she found herself in. This was the end of the line for her. She had done everything and they still found her. Faces filled her mind as time slowly passed. It was not enough but it was all she would get. Wiping the single tear away, she closed her eyes once again. Finally, she gave into whatever fate had in mind for her. As long as her family was safe, nothing else mattered.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bucky sat in the dark kitchen, nursing his second cup of black coffee. Only the streetlights and sunrise shed light into the room. He stared into the black, steaming liquid as if it held the answers to his questions. Unfortunately, if it did, it did not feel like sharing today.

“Buck, you ok?”

He looked over his shoulder at his best friend entering. Steve’s hair was messy and he was still in sweatpants and a t-shirt. He must have just rolled out of bed. As he approached, Steve’s beta scent drifted to him, calming him slightly. His scent reminded Bucky of a hot cinnamon latte, warm and inviting.

Bucky just shrugged.

“Nightmare?”

Staring back into his mug, Bucky did not even acknowledge the question. Steve probably already knew. At least this time he had not woken up screaming. Just a cold sweat and twisted sheets, feeling as if he was suffocating.

Without a word, Steve padded over and poured himself a cup of coffee. Unlike his best friend, Steve added an obscene amount of sugar before taking a sip. It made Bucky shake his head, remembering when they were young and how sparingly they had to use sugar. Steve had teased once saying he was making up for lost time now. They both knew Steve had an insane sweet tooth and now took every opportunity to fill it.

“Natasha called me…you remember that case she was working on? Some HYDRA agent they were having a hard time tracking down. Well I guess they finally got confirmation and picked her up. Fury already talked with her a couple of hours ago. He wants Natasha and me to take a turn interrogating. Guess she isn’t talking at all.” Steve said, casually looking over his mug.

“And you want me there to see if I can remember her at all, right?”

“If you’re up for it. Apparently, this agent has been very elusive so we are guessing she was of high priority or something.”

Bucky ran his hand through his hair, sighing. He hated staring into the faces of those who worked for HYDRA, those that tortured and manipulated him. Most of the people they had him look at, he did not recognize. Which did not surprise him. HYDRA was careful who was around when they let the Winter Soldier loose. Yet looking up he could see the poorly concealed hope in Steve’s eyes. He hated disappointing him; the blond punk had done so much for him these past two years that he had been living at the Tower. It had been three years since the destruction of the helicarriers and his and Steve’s fight over the Potomac. So much had changed since then.

“Fine. Let me finish my coffee and change.”

“Thanks, Buck. I’m going to shower quick then I’ll find you. Oh, Sam is coming back today and said he needs a guys’ night of billiards and beer after this family reunion he went to.”

“Birdbrain is always complaining about something.”

“Be nice, jerk.”

“Punk.”

Steve chuckled as he headed back to his room. Bucky felt a faint smile on his lips, it felt good to joke with Steve again. He was nowhere near as laid back as he vaguely remembered being before the war, but he was better than when Steve first found him in a homeless shelter in Toronto. His memories were coming back in bits and pieces and he finally was seeing a therapist. It was slow, agonizing work that made him want to bash his head against a wall frequently. Sometimes he wondered why he tried, if it was even worth it all. He would always have blood on his hands. He was Frankenstein’s monster. His nightmares liked to remind him of that.

Quickly draining the rest of his coffee, he put the mug in the dishwasher and headed to his room to change. It was only just after six am. With that thought and hearing this HYDRA agent had been picked up sometime in the night and already interrogated by Director Fury…hopefully the agent would be tired and make a mistake. He doubted this agent would be different than any of the other agents SHIELD had found recently. Just another useless agent wasting oxygen who would be better off with a bullet through the brain.

Chapter 2

Bucky followed behind Steve as they walked down one of the umpteen hallways in the Stark Tower, supposedly Avengers Tower now. They passed several SHIELD agents, a few dressed in full tactical gear, coming and going from various rooms. No one stood in their way as the two super soldiers moved swiftly towards Interrogation Room 3B. A few dared to greet Captain America who only received a nod in return, none even made an attempt at the former Winter Soldier. Not that he cared. He kept a cold mask of indifference on as they moved. He wore his favorite black tactical pants, shirt and boots, along with an unspecified number of knives hidden and visible on his hulking form. Steve wore his Captain America uniform sans the mask and shield.

He stopped outside a door and looked over his shoulder. “Ready?”

Bucky just grunted, ready to get this over with and go pound some sand bags in the gym.

Opening the door, they entered to a room full of screens along one wall and the opposite wall, a one-way window into the interrogation room. Two other agents were in the room, two betas by their scent, focusing intently on the screens their faces were plastered to and fingers moving rapidly over keyboards before them. The only other alpha moved from leaning against the wall having been staring through the window to address the super soldiers.

“Took you long enough.” Natasha quipped, eyeing them both. Her normal pine scent with hints of gunpowder came off stronger, almost pungent. Bucky wondered what made her so angry for her pheromones to be coming off so strong. It was most unlike her.

“Any updates?” Steve asked, moving to look through the window, already switching mentally to Captain mode.

She shook her head, red hair dancing around her shoulders. “Still not talking or moving. She might actually be a challenge. Information we can find about her is sparse at best. We got lucky that she cut herself while resisting us. We used the spilled blood for a DNA test. It only came back 65% conclusive but Fury is sure she is the right girl.”

“Ok.” He nodded then glanced at Bucky. “Anything?”

Slowly, Bucky moved to look through the window. A young woman sat stoically in the metal chair, hands in her lap, head bowed forward. Her short, black hair covered her face; he doubted even the ends touched her shoulders. Even though it was only a side profile of her, it was unmistakable to see she was curvy in all the right places. Dark wash jeans covered her legs while a black tank top with some kind of writing on the front were the only things he wore. Her feet were bare and no jewelry could be seen. She was certainly not what he expected to see. Yet sometimes beauty masked the worst evil.

“No, but I can’t really see her face.”

“Right. Nat, want to go in together?” Steve asked, placing his hands on his hips.

“Good cop, bad cop?” Natasha winked, walking past to head out. Steve clapped a hand on Bucky’s shoulder as he followed Natasha out of the room, back into the hallway and into the interrogation room.

Moving closer to the window, he crossed his arms over his chest to watch the interrogation. He ignored the faint murmuring of the two betas behind him as the sound of Steve’s voice came through the speaker overhead.

With the entrance of Captain America and the Black Widow, the woman raised her head slowly to stare at them. Natasha took a seat across from her while Steve stood upright talking. He told her about their hunt for anyone associated with HYDRA and how she could help stop the terror and tyranny inflicted by the organization. If she spoke truthfully and told them everything she knew, they would be able to work with the judge on a lesser sentence and keep her from a maximum-security prison or even a death sentence. Bucky scoffed internally at the offer; HYDRA chose death over failure. True, a few of the doctors and researchers they had apprehended had spilled all of their secrets but once they reached their prison…Bucky doubted they lived long. Most agents just killed themselves or, like her, kept silent. He would give it to her though; her side profile conveyed a simple beauty that in his younger days, he would have been attracted too.

As if his thought summoned her, her head whipped around to face the window even thought he knew she could not see through. What he saw made his heart stop and breathing cease. Those eyes. Those eyes haunted his dreams. Full, round eyes the color of dark brown or onyx stared at him. Eyes that were innocent and frightened in his dreams, now were as hard and unbreakable as his metal arm. After a long second she turned her face back to her interrogators and air returned to the super soldier’s lungs. Pieces of memories fell into place, as if her face was the key to unlocking them. Those soft, pink, bowlike lips over a short, button nose in her round face…except something was wrong. Her hair…it was the wrong color. It was supposed to be long, and a honey brown. It was always braided down her back. He continued to stare, memories conflicting with that his eyes saw before him. There was the long scar on her upper arm that he remembered…something about a tree? Another on her collarbone, like someone tried to cut her throat but missed. The memory was faint but anger burned within him instantly. He had not been able to protect her. Like he promised. No one was allowed to touch her. That’s what they said. She was his. That’s what his handler said.

Suddenly his eyes refocused on the scene before him. Natasha had moved with the silent grace of a panther to pounce on the woman. She gripped the hair on the back of the woman’s head and forced her head up to meet her own green eyes as she stood over her, glaring down. It was harsh but nothing Bucky had not seen Natasha do before, or even worse. Yet the hiss that escaped the dark-haired woman made his blood boil. Before his rational mind could keep up, his body instinctively moved out of the room into the hallway. He flung open the door into the interrogation room. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw a startled look on Steve’s face but he ignored it. His eyes were solely focused on the Black Widow.

“Let go of her.” He hissed out, planting his feet, ready for a fight. His scent probably reeked of rotting driftwood or something similar. He could almost feel it pouring off him along with his anger.

Not moving a muscle, Natasha just stared him down, her own anger bubbling up slightly at another alpha demanding of her.

“Buck…” Steve tried to placate, sensing the impending fight but Bucky interrupted him, not taking his eyes off the threat.

“TAKE YOUR HANDS OFF MY OMEGA!” He roared, allowing all his alpha instincts and Winter Soldier to enhance his roar.

The force of his voice and dominance caused Natasha to release the woman and step back, only to get into her own aggressive stance. They both may be alphas but Bucky was bigger, stronger and enraged right now. Glaring at an angered Natasha and a confused Steve, he finally turned his gaze to the woman…his woman…his omega.

Her round eyes stared at him like two dark moons, her mouth slightly open. “Soldat?...Mon ange noir?”

Even though her words came out on a whisper of breath, it resounded in the room like a gunshot. Immediately Bucky moved closer…or was it the Winter Soldier? The distinction between the two felt blurred at the moment.

“It cannot be…they said…they said you were dead.” She stuttered out as she watched him move closer. Was that tears in her eyes? He swore they looked watery but a slow blink cleared away whatever he thought was there. He remembered her scent being floral and sweet…something that soothed him…his mind struggled for the word. Jasmine. She always smelled like jasmine. Now though it was dulled as if on suppressants and the tang of alcohol seeped out of her clothes and skin.

He hovered over her, looking down at her upturned face. There was a name he called her. Memories collided in his mind, both providing answers and causing more questions to pop up. She called him…mon ange nior…my dark angel…she had been learning French. He saved her. Blood on the floor. A beating after but it was worth it. She was his omega. What did he call her? Not just omega. There was a name whispered in the dark, tears on her cheeks. A forbidden truth she was forced to forget.

Moving slowly, he reached out a hand and ran his thumb over her cheek as the word on the tip of his tongue slipped out. “Jenna.”

Chapter 3

Hearing him say her name, a flood of emotions overwhelmed her. All she could do was stare at the man standing in front of her. They lied to her. They said he was dead, that he died during the destruction of the Triskelion. She mourned him in her own way but she never forgot him. His brown hair was long but looked clean compared to prior times she had seen him. She could not help but wonder who cut his hair now. It was stupid to think about, she had been the only one he allowed without fighting the guards. Now his eyes were clear, staring at her in a way like he never had before. Those blue/gray eyes bored into her and she suppressed a shiver. His alpha scent though, it made her want to bare her neck and wholly submit, to let him protect her again without question. It was stronger now, lacking the disturbing smells of dirt, blood, sweat and disinfectant. Now it was pure, unadulterated him. It reminded her of standing on the edge of the ocean, the fresh, salty air wrapping around her along with the wet sand between her toes. For years that faint scent had let her know she was safe again, at least for a time.

“How?” She reached forward and touched his metal hand, making sure he was real, that this was not a dream.

Before he could answer, the door swung open behind him with a bang. In that split second the super soldier ripped her out of the chair and tossed her roughly into the closest corner. She managed to catch herself on the wall before smacking it with her forehead. Turning quickly around, the sight that greeted her made her stomach drop. Her soldier faced outward, blocking her with his body, a long knife in each hand. A deep growl erupted out of his throat. Words nor pheromones were needed to translate the message he was sending. Just inside the door now stood the Iron Man in a full suit, hands raised, ready to fire. Behind him stood the first man to interrogate her, Director Fury.

“You know, Cap, I feel a little left out that we weren’t invited to the party.” The voice of Tony Stark emitted out of the suit.

Moving past Tony Stark, the man who alluded justice and ruthlessness glared at everyone in the room like an enraged schoolmaster. “Someone care to explain what the hell is going on here?”

The air hung thick with tension as the showdown continued. No one was moving and no one was speaking. Her mind struggled with everything that had happened in the last five minutes and what the repercussions would be... There was one thing she knew. Her soldier would protect her. Her alpha always looked out for her and there was one last thing he could do…but it meant she had to speak. Her secrets would only kill her last hope now.

“Director Fury,” she spoke up as all eyes swung over to her besides her protector’s, whom only stiffened at her voice cutting through the air, “I will freely talk on the promise my one condition is met.”

“What is it?”

“Your men stand down and his actions will not be held against him.” She finished, placing a hand on the back just in front of her so her meaning was clear.

The single, focused eye turned to the man guarding her. “Will you stand down, Sergeant Barnes and allow her to speak with us?”

Hesitantly he glanced behind him and at her nod responded. “As long as no one touches her and I remain where she is.”

“Fine. Goddammit. This is turning into a bigger mess than I thought. As you two are calling the shots, care to talk here or do we need a penthouse with gold gilding and chandeliers?” Fury barked out, his peppermint scent coming off in strong waves with a mixture of rotting plants.

She moved to stand by the soldier’s side. “Do you have somewhere secure? No recordings, no way for information of who I am to get out?”

“Conference room? JARVIS can shut everything down.” Captain America spoke up, seeming to slowly come out of his shock.

Fury heavily sighed. “Everyone be there in five minutes. Cap, Romanov, don’t let her out of your sight.” With that he strode out of the room, his coat a dark cloud billowing behind him.

The Black Widow shifted, hands still tense by her sides. “Alright, let’s go, Agent 72.”

“Don’t call her that!” Her solider demanded, eyes sweeping the room for seen and unseen threats.

“It’s ok.” Jenna placed a hand on his arm and felt a bit of the tension ease out of his muscles.

Captain America watched them seeming unsure if he should jump into the fray or continue to stay on the sidelines. “Buck, can you put those away?” He gestured towards the knives still dangerously held out.

The ex-Winter Soldier seemed to think about the request for a long moment, as if debating the need for them in the near future. Slowly he placed the long knives back in their sheaths strapped to his thighs. Soon the group exited and started down a different hallway. The Black Widow walked in front with the Iron Man and Captain America behind. One thing kept running through Jenna’s mind as they walked. Director Fury had called him ‘Sergeant Barnes’ and Captain America called him ‘Buck’. Was that his real name? She had only ever heard him referred to as Soldat, the Soldier, or the Asset. Finally, she decided she had nothing to lose at this point.

Glancing up at the man walking stiffly beside her, she asked her strange question. “So, your name is Sergeant Barnes?”

A twitch of his lips accompanied the warmth in his eyes as he met her eyes for a moment. “James Barnes.”

“Huh. Never would have pegged you for a James.”

A snort sounded from behind them that she guessed came from the Captain. The man beside her…James, James Barnes, mock glared at her. The lightheartness of the moment vanished when the Iron Man spoke up.

“What? He goes into full Winter Solider mode to protect you and you don’t even know his name? Who the hell are you, girl?”

In an instant, James placed himself between the man of iron and her, tension thick once again and his hands twitching to grab a knife.

Thankfully the Captain broke up the impending fight by stepping between the two. “Tony, why don’t you go ahead and make sure the room is ready. Buck, stand down.”

With an unintelligent muttering, the Iron Man stormed around them but it was not until he turned down another hallway that James relaxed marginally.

“Omega…” James looked down at her.

“I’m fine. Let’s get this done.” She turned and started following the direction the Iron Man had disappeared. She could hear a huff and footsteps following but paid no attention, keeping her eyes on the red head leading the way. It bothered her the truth that rang through the man’s words. She had not known James’ name yet he was willing to fight and protect her. He even remembered her name. It made her feel like shit, was she taking advantage of him? Did he actually want to help her? She could not think too much more about that. There was one thing she needed from him. So, she would spill all her secrets, defying years of training and experience. Hopefully this did not come to bite her in the ass later. Not like she had much choice now.

The conference room had a large oval table in the center with twelve chairs around it. Along all the walls were screens in which things could easily be projected upon. Against one of the walls was a short table with a Keurig coffeemaker, paper cups, and condiments for the coffee. Even though it was sparse, clearly this room was used a lot, or at least no one had come to take the overflowing trash can under the small coffee table. On one of the screens, the time was written in white, stating it was almost a quarter to seven in the morning. Jenna rubbed her eyes with the heels of her hands. It had been a long night at the bar she worked at, some college frat boys were making her night miserable. Walking to the train stop, she was exhausted and ready to crash for a few hours before having to go to her second job. Suddenly a van was pulling up next to her and someone threw a black bag over her head. She hoped those waiting for her were alright. No, she could not think about them right now. She had to focus on this meeting.

She took a seat towards the middle of the table and closed her eyes, focusing on her breathing. Whispering could be heard close to the door but she tried her best to ignore it. Keeping her hands clasped in her lap under the table, she tried to suppress the trembling in them. Never before had she talked about what she went through, what had happened to her. She barely had time to reflect on it herself, only in her dreams and nightmares did her mind decide to even remember it.

The door opened again and she knew it was time. Fury walked in, in his wake was a tall woman with a stern face and posture that suggested military. The scent of fresh bread came off of her so Jenna knew she was a beta. A different man came in last, closing the door behind him. He was dressed casual compared to everyone else but streaks of dirt and dust were on his white t-shirt and a few marks on his thick arms. His beta scent caught her off guard, like freshly grated ginger which made her think of making her favorite stir fry at home. Who were these people? She did not get a chance to find out since Fury took a seat directly across from hers and his eye bored into her soul demanding answers.

“Alright, Miss Lewis, here we are.” He leaned forward in the chair. “Why don’t you start from the beginning? How and why you were recruited by HYDRA then we’ll go from there.”

Everyone else settled around the room either taking seats around the table or leaning against the walls. The Iron Man stepped out of his suit and took a seat at the head of the table, kicking his feet up. The stern woman stood behind Fury, leaning against the wall with her arms crossed. The scent of coastal waters and warm sunshine grew stronger and she sensed James take the seat next to her. She did not turn her head nor acknowledge his presence but internally she was grateful for his close proximity. She wondered how much of what she was about to share if he knew or it would come as a surprise to him too.

“My name is Jenna Lewis and there was only one reason HYDRA ‘recruited’ me as you keep stating. Its cause of what I am. I found out later but at the time they were trying a new…experiment, if you want to call it that. They kidnapped me when I was nineteen, walking back to my college dorm from a party. They gave me a number like a lab rat, instead of using my name. That’s where Agent 72 comes from. I…I wasn’t the only omega they took…”

“Wait! You’re an omega? You don’t smell like one.” Tony interrupted.

“Suppressants for years, it’s safer to pretend to be a beta then an unclaimed omega.” She retorted, surprised she had to explain that to someone who was supposed to be a genius. She hesitated to talk about the next part, unsure how the man next to her would handle it.

Fury broke the pregnant pause. “Why were they taking omegas?”

“They…shit,” she sighed before rushing out the next part. “They apparently were having issues controlling their asset. The doctors controlling his biology were saying how an alpha unable to go through a rut after sixty years could be harder to control and by giving him…a plaything…it would help them control him. So, they took omegas to satisfy the alpha’s natural urges.”

From beside her, soft, pained Russian was mumbled that if she took a guess was some vibrant cursing.

“Sex slaves. You’re telling me HYDRA took you as a sex slave.” Fury pinched the bridge of his nose.

She raised an eyebrow. “Are you really surprised?”

“What about the others?” The Captain asked, moving closer to the table but seemed hesitant to hear the answer. “Where are the other omegas?”

There was no kind way to answer that question. “Dead. Either they were killed by the asset or after he rejected them, they were given to the HYDRA guards. I never saw them again.”

With that, James pushed his chair back and shot up, retreating to a corner of the room to furiously pace. Her heart broke for him, she doubted this was something he wanted to hear.

“And somehow you survived…how?” Fury continued, keeping his eye on her.

“I guess I smelled right to him.”

“How long?”

Surprised by James’ raspy voice, she turned to look at him. He looked ready to tear his own heart out to take away her pain, his eyes tortured and fists clenching and unclenching.

He repeated his question, enunciating each word as if it was acid in his mouth. “How long…were you my…” His words faltered at the end.

“Four years.”

He balked, blood draining from his face. A gasp come from direction of the Captain. Even Tony’s face looked a little paler.

“I managed to escape after the fight at the Triskelion, everything was in such disarray, no one knew what was going on. I’ve been running ever since.”

“That’s three years ago.” Fury spoke up, his tone still harsh but no longer glaring at her. She guessed he believed her, at least somewhat. “How have you managed to evade them for so long?”

“I don’t stay in the same place longer than eight months usually. I thought I actually noticed someone following me two days ago. So, after the weekend I was going to move on. Besides, without their asset there’s no point to keeping me.”

The air was strained, everyone absorbing her words and their implications. She could hear James’ rapid breathing to her left and the Captain’s continued, concerned looks thrown his way.

The Black Widow’s voice rang out, indifferent to the range of emotions displayed in the room. “In the few documents with your…number on it. There were mentions of something about a ‘carrier’ or ‘bad breeder’.”

“Shit.” Jenna whispered, rubbing her hands on her face. This was the one topic she had hoped to not have to explain. Where had they gotten this information? “I got pregnant at one point…they decided to experiment and see what would happen with breeding. I lost…they thought it had something to do with the serum. It didn’t help where they kept us wasn’t ideal for growing pups up healthy.”

“It just happened once?”

She answered the Widow’s follow up question hesitantly. “Twice. I miscarried twice.”

A sudden pounding sound shook the room causing everyone to jump and look at James. Ruthlessly he pounded against the wall beside him with his metal arm. Glass shattered. Pieces fell to the floor under the brutal treatment. Jenna froze, the sudden emotion keeping her eyes glued. The four years she had known the Winter Soldier, only twice had she seen him lose control like this but never was it directed at her. Normally he was stoic and unemotional or just on the brink of tenderness but never fully crossing that threshold. This…she was unsure what to do.

The Captain immediately rushed over, trying to pacify and calm his friend. After several tense minutes, James finally turned to face the group but his blue/gray eyes pinned her to her seat. His chest still rose and fell rapidly but what surprised her the most was the unshed tears betraying his pain hidden in those eyes.

“I’m so sorry.”

“No…” she tried to interrupt but he kept speaking, gripping his hair like he was ready to yank it all out.

“I can’t…I’ll kill them all, I swear, I’m so sorry. I’ll protect you…”

“STOP!” Jenna jumped up and moved closer to the devastated man, ignoring everyone else in the room. Roughly she grabbed his face as he tried to turn away from her. “Look at me!” She commanded. Once his eyes met hers again did she continue, her voice more confident than she felt. “Its not your fault. We were both prisoners…and you did protect me. Do you remember? Once after a certain guard…hurt me because you weren’t around, somehow you knew. You found him and killed him. You promised to keep me safe and you did. After that, all the guards were scared to touch me because they knew. They knew I was YOUR omega! You never hurt me on purpose. You kept me alive. None of this was your fault. You never asked for this. Neither did I yet we dealt with it and survived. Focus on that. They did not break us…and every day we get up and keep breathing, we are beating them. Ok?”

He nodded, placing his hands on her forearms and pressing their foreheads together. A warm tingle ran through her as memories come to the forefront of her mind. Occasionally he would do this when they were alone in their cell. When they both desperately needed positive human contact…when it had been awhile since his last mind wipe and memories were coming back. They would cling to one another like two drowning persons in a storm. Desperately hoping the storm would abate soon or they would drown and death would save them.

“Well this truly is touching but what happens now?” Tony’s question broke the silent moment causing everything to come crashing back to reality.

Chapter 4

Bucky kept her close, wanting…no needing her touch, her warmth. Her jasmine scent brought such a peace with it. Yet his alpha instincts could not be ignored. Everything in him screamed to keep her near and safe. She was his omega and he would fight for her and to keep her. Damn anyone that tried to stand in his way. Everything she had confessed, everything she had been through made him want to rip every HYDRA agent apart with his bare hands. He knew HYDRA consisted of monsters but this…this was a new depravity that surprised him. He had no memories of the prior omegas. There was only one his mind recalled. Once he caught her scent, memories of them came flooding back... Laying on the uncomfortable cot together, her brushing and cutting his hair, tracing her skin as she slept. What stood out was the night he claimed her, he left his mating mark on her and she moaned in pleasure. He wondered if it was still there, it had been years…he had not noticed anything and guessed it had faded by now. That thought bothered him more than he cared to admit.

“Well it would appear there is only one thing we can do now.” Fury said. With his words Jenna turned around to face the SHIELD director, she took a couple steps closer to the table, back ramrod straight. A soft clap on the shoulder reminded Bucky that Steve still stood nearby, silently supporting him. Like always.

Fury’s eye roved over Jenna then Bucky before returning to her. “Miss Lewis, you will be placed in SHIELD custody for your protection until a time is deemed you no longer are in need of it. You will be placed in an undisclosed location for now. While in custody, you will try and help identify any HYDRA agents, doctors, or researchers that you can recall.”

The plan made sense but it did not mean Bucky had to like it. He wanted nothing more than to keep her by his side. Perhaps he could convince Fury to let him be a part of her protection detail. Its not like he was doing much else in the Tower. Hell, Steve would probably be the only one to miss him.

“Thank you, sir but I respectfully decline your offer.”

Bucky whipped his head around to stare at her. What was she thinking? His heart began beating rapidly, fear flooding his veins. What was she doing?

Fury’s voice practically dripped shards of ice as he countered her. “Oh, is that so? Miss, I don’t think you have much of a choice in the matter. It was not an offer. This is happening.”

She took a step closer to the table. “If I stay with you, HYDRA will find out about me. If I continue on my own, its easier to hide, easier to escape notice. I gave you the information you asked for and now I will be walking out those doors. You have no real reason to keep me.”

“We need to confirm your story.”

“Do it but I’m leaving…and I will disappear so if there are any last questions, you better ask them now.”

Maybe another time he would be impressed by an omega standing up to an alpha, especially Fury without quaking in their shoes. Now, it felt like he was losing her.

“Jenna,” he pleaded, “you need to stay here. Its not safe for you to leave. What if HYDRA finds you?”

“What are they going to do with me? Why would they even really be looking for me? I’m nothing to them.”

“NO! You will stay here and I will protect you.” He used his alpha voice on her, his growl reverberating in the room. This was not how he wanted things to go. Hell, he just found her and she wanted to just run off and vanish. That wasn’t going to happen. He had four years’ worth of transgressions to make up to her.

Her body tensed, hands clenching into fists as she fought the submission her body screamed for. After several deep breaths, she turned fully to face him. What warmth they once held for him dispersed as flares of anger danced in her onyx eyes. “You have no right to demand of me. Once you were my alpha but no more.”

A dagger to the heart would have hurt less. Why was she fighting this so hard? He heard Steve shift next to him and begin to say something but clamped his mouth shut when Jenna leveled a glare at him.

“I have a question.” Natasha announced, taking a step closer and planting her hands on her hips. “JARVIS, open file MP103572-26355A and project it onto screen 2B.” A half second later, her famous Widow’s smirk appeared as she stared at Jenna. “Who is their father?”

On the screen was a surveillance picture of Jenna smiling as she walked by a swing set. What struck Bucky speechless were the toddlers holding her hands. One of them, a boy, had dark brown hair like he did while the other, a girl, had hair slightly lighter, closer to their mother’s natural honey brown hair. The girl carried a dandelion in her hand, showing it off like it was the greatest treasure. The boy looked down, concentrating on cracks in the pavement under his feet. The innocence that radiated off them was palpable through the picture. It felt like all the air had been sucked from his lungs. Turning his head, he looked at Jenna for an explanation.

All the color had drained from her face as she stared at the picture.

“See if my calculations are correct…they look over 2 years old. Its been three years since the fall of HYDRA. So that tells me when you escaped, if that’s really what happened, you were already pregnant. You keep claiming that only Sergeant Barnes was allowed to touch you so it makes me wonder. Why have you not mentioned them yet?”

His thoughts were flying by at a million miles per minute yet also sluggishly refusing to move. His super soldier brain could usually process information faster than the average person but not this. He needed to hear it from her mouth. He needed the truth.

“Jenna…” He moved closer until he stood over her. Tears welled in her eyes, shoulders sagged, she looked utterly defeated. “Please.”

“I won’t let them touch my pups. I’ll do whatever I have to but I refuse to let those monsters anywhere close to my babies.” She hissed out, a last reserve of strength.

“Please tell me…are they…” He could not even finish his question, both hope and fear fighting for dominance within him. The revelation that he could be a father crashed into him like a tidal wave. It was a dream he had before the war, settling down and starting a family with his sweet wife. Once HYDRA got their hands on him, that dream went up in smoke. It never occurred to him that it could still happen.

She blinked before whispering the answer.“Yes, they are your pups.”

“That’s why you’ve been running and hiding. Not for your own safety but for them.” Steve beckoned to the screen, his own shock evident.

“Hold on. Hold on.” Tony interrupted. “Why would HYDRA want the pups? Aren’t they about world domination and soldiers, not babysitters?”

Natasha answered this time. “They are part super soldier. It’s the breeding program, right? Why waste time creating an unstable serum when you can create and mold the soldiers from birth?”

Bucky wanted to vomit at the thought. Those same doctors that tortured him…touching his pups, forcing them to be mindless, emotionless killers, hurting them until the doctors received the result they wanted. He would not, could not let anything happen to them. He would sell his soul to keep them safe. He looked up at the picture again, studying it. They looked beautiful, his omega, his pups…his family. The desperate need to see them, meet them, touch them and confirm they were real overwhelmed him. He had to make her understand somehow. He needed this. He needed to see them with his own eyes. He was a father.

“Can I meet them?” He tried to keep his voice soft as Tony and Natasha were arguing about something.

She looked up, meeting his eyes, scrutinizing him as if confirming his genuine feelings. “Ok,” she whispered back.

“When? Today?”

She shook her head. “I’m already late to return home. My emergency protocols will be active. I need to sort it out first.”

“Tomorrow?” He could barely keep the desperation out of his voice. “You can have time to think about staying, let me...us protect you. You don’t have to be all on your own anymore. I swear I won’t let HYDRA anywhere near the three of you. I’ll die before they touch you.”

A sad smile touched her lips. “I believe you. We can meet tomorrow. I don’t know about…”

“Please, just think about it.”

She sighed. “Fine, ok. I’ll think about it.”

“Thank you, omega.”

“Don’t call me that. We may have been together once but we aren’t right now.”

“Buck and I can walk you out, Miss Lewis.” Steve said, clearly having heard their whispered conversation.

“Thank you, Captain.”

“Fury, Buck and I are escorting Miss Lewis out. A rendezvous meeting has been set for tomorrow in which further plans will be discussed but right now she needs to return to her pups.” Steve stated, his voice ringing with authority.

Fury looked between the three of them with obvious mistrust and skepticism. “Miss Lewis, we are not done talking. An undercover detail will be sent to monitor your home.”

Pinching her lips together, Jenna gave a curt nod before following Steve out the room with Bucky following. Their walk was silent, even the elevator was endured with minimal speech. Bucky would give anything to know what was going through her mind. Her face was expressionless, a mask that frustrated him. His own mind whirled with the new revelation. He had pups. He was a father. With an beautiful omega who clearly, at least at one time, cared for him. He wanted to know more about them, what they liked, their favorite games and movies. Did they know their father was alive? His lips stayed shut even as the questions burned on his tongue. A frigidness had wrapped around Jenna and it felt impenetrable. Having her life exposed as it had been to strangers and ones initially claiming she was HYDRA, he could not think how she felt right now. A piece of him wished to reach out and touch her, comfort her in some way. Her lovely scent had begun to slowly sour, alerting him to her negative change of emotion. It felt like his hands were tied though. What could he offer her? Would she even want to receive his help? Did she want anything from him?

Once they reached the ground floor, the three said a short, awkward farewell before she turned on her heel and practically ran away.

“We’ll figure it out, Buck.”

“I can’t lose them, Steve…I just can’t….”

“I know. That’s my nephew and niece. We’ll keep them safe.”

Bucky could only nod as he followed Steve back to the elevator. He hoped Jenna would allow them to help protect her and the pups. They needed to be safe. There was not another option. He needed them safe and happy.

Chapter 5

She remembered the first time she met the Winter Soldier, when she had been given to him. They ripped the black bag off her head as they walked down a concrete hallway. The place felt like an underground bunker or something. Goosebumps broke out on her skin from the cold, she was still only clad in the stupid university t-shirt and jean shorts that she had worn to the frat party. Her honey brown hair hung loose and limp past her shoulders as she stumbled along. For some ridiculous reason they had taken her flats so the cold floor hurt her feet. Whenever she spoke or asked a question, one of the two men gripping her arms would hit or slap her. So silently she followed along.

They passed several metal doors before stopping at one. There was nothing unique about it, nothing to show why they were stopping there. One of her handlers called out something in a foreign language than a green light buzzed over the door. Quickly they dragged her through the doorframe before unceremoniously tossing her further into the room. Stumbling she caught herself falling on her hands and knees. A harsh clank behind her signaled the door was sealed shut leaving her alone…or so she thought.

A creaking made her head swivel to the side to identify the sound. To her surprise and horror, a man sat on a dirty looking cot. His long, dark brown hair hid his face so her eyes quickly scanned the rest of him. He looked fit, like really fit, if the protruding muscles said anything. What caught her off guard the most was his left arm was not flesh and blood but shiny and metal. Her mind did not have long to ponder the question for just as suddenly as he appeared, his head lifted. A pair of beautiful blue/gray eyes met hers that she would have immediately loved except they looked almost dead or void of emotion. A sharp jawline accentuated his plump lips which were pressed together. His nostrils flared quickly then he seemed to take a deep breath. It was then his scent hit her. He was an alpha! Stories of unspeakable horrors crossed her mind and she felt tears threatening to fall. Questions flooded her mind but her tongue refused to cooperate.

Slowly and silently he stood up, moving with an almost machine-like grace. Unsure what to do she scrambled onto her feet, breathing rapidly, moving to press her back against the wall. Her eyes remained transfixed on him. As if each movement took great deliberation, he slowly moved closer step by step. His eyes held her frozen in place. He was easily eight inches taller with muscles and movement that conveyed he knew how to handle himself. What could she do expect hope and pray? She was smart enough to know she would not win a fight against him. What did he want from her? Why was she here? Who was he?

After what felt like an eternity, he stood toe to toe with her, towering and intimidating. Her heart felt like it was ready to beat out of her chest. Sweat beaded on her palms. Agonizingly slow, he leaned forward moving his head closer and closer to her. With a whimper she tried to jerk away but to no avail. He forced her back against the wall. His metal hand gently yet forcefully pressed on her head, tilting it to the side so she was looking away. She felt him continue to lean in closer until his nose was pressed against her mating gland. Closing her eyes, a tear slipped out but she held still. A sound, the mixture between a moan and growl erupted from his lips ghosting over the skin of her neck. Gently he gripped her chin and forced her to meet his gaze once again. This time there seemed to be a spark amongst the deadness, a glimmer of something she could not decipher. He stared at her a long time as if absorbing everything about her and all her secrets. It unnerved her but so far, he had not done anything to hurt her yet, that had to be good, right?

To make their strange situation even more bizarre, his thumb brushed over her lower lip, then hesitantly touched his own lip with the thumb that had touched her. Whatever it was must have sealed the decision he was contemplating for suddenly he leaned forward again and pressed his nose against her mating gland.

“Mine…” His voice rasped out as if unused to speaking. “My omega.” He leaned back, staring at her. “Confirm.”

“Wh…what?” She stuttered out, confused by the crazy events.

“Confirm. My omega. Confirm.”

“Um…I’m…I’m your omega?”

“Affirmative.” With that he released her and walked back over to sit on the dirty cot.

She watched him sit there, barely moving or breathing for several moments before sliding onto the floor beneath her. She pulled her legs up against her chest and wrapped her arms around them. Tears silently fell but she dared not make a sound. What was going on?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jenna was nervous. Shit, she was scared. This felt right though. After everything that happened yesterday at the Avengers Tower, how she just wanted to grab the twins and run for dear life. Yet with everything, she felt she owed it to him at least. He had protected her while they were both prisoners of HYDRA, even yesterday he still threw himself between her and whatever he deemed threatened her. He deserved to meet his pups, his son and daughter. So here they were.

“Park! We play!” Her daughter cried out excitedly, tugging on Jenna’s hand now in her great enthusiasm.

“Hold on, sweetheart, we’re going. We don’t want to fall and scrape our knees again, right?”

“No, mama.”

They rounded the last bend on the sidewalk to reach the entrance of the enclosed neighborhood park. Living in the Bronx had its shady times certainly and Jenna always kept a firm grip and sharp eye on her children. Luckily there had not been any incidents at this park. As they entered, her eyes scanned around for a particular face and within moments locked eyes.

“Mama, play!”

“One second, I want you two to meet someone.” She guided her children towards them. James stood frozen, almost mid-step as if he had been pacing and then saw her. Steve sat on the park bench next to him along with a dark-skinned man she did not recognize. Taking a deep breath, she steeled herself as they walked the last few feet.

“Nuggets, this is my friend James. Can you say hi?” She spoke soothingly, as she stopped them in front of the ex-Winter Soldier. Her daughter waved, dimples appearing on her cheeks while her son stood staring, clinging to her hand. James’ eyes bounced continuously back and forth between the two and she knew he was noticing his own features in them. Her daughter had matching blue/gray eyes, identical to his. Her son had the same dimple in his chin while his eyes were more of a light blue. They both had Jenna’s lighter complexion but looking at them, it was easy to pick out similarities between their parents. Both a blessing and a curse that she had struggled with.

“James, this is Sierra and Aiden.”

Slowly he knelt before them, never removing his eyes from the three of them. “Hi, its…” he swallowed before continuing, “its nice to meet you two.”

“Alright, nuggets, why don’t you go play. I’m just going to talk to James for a bit.”

“Play!” Sierra chirped in her sweet voice. Without waiting another second, she darted towards the small playground and began running all over it. Aidan slowly followed but only to the edge, then he began driving the monster truck in his hand over the sandy ground contently. Jenna watched them for a moment, her heart swelling with love for them. They truly were her world and she did not mind one bit.

“So, you’re Jenna, huh?” The dark-skinned man smirked at her before leaning forward, extending his hand. “Sam Wilson. Bucky was not kidding when he mentioned how beautiful you are.”

She laughed as Sam winked at her while they shook hands and James glowered at him. His scent reminded her of lemons and honey, an interesting combination for a male beta in her opinion. She could not help but feel relaxed in his presence which both made her nervous yet happy to chat and laugh casually.

“Its good to see you again, Jenna.”

“You too, Captain.”

“Please, call me Steve.”

She nodded at him then turned her attention to the real reason she was here. James stared at the toddlers like a blind man seeing the moon and stars for the first time. It was both sweet and heartbreaking to witness. “You ok?”

“They are perfect.” He breathed out, not tearing his eyes from them.

She continued to watch him, seeing the misty eyes and silent disbelief at what his eyes were telling him. This world, HYDRA, had taken so much from him, forced him to be something he never wanted to be. Trapped in his own mind and body as they controlled him through torture and pain. She witness it. Yet there was a softness she had never seen before. It was in the small smile touching his lips as Sierra slid down the slide squealing and Aidan made ‘vroom’ noises for his truck. Was it possible for her pups to grow up with father after all? That was a dream she had given up long ago but watching him…could it be possible?

“So, did you make a decision yet?” Steve broke the silence.

“What?”

“If…if you’ll come back with us…or not?”

At her hesitation, James’ head turned to stare at her, an almost pained expression on his face.

“I’m not…”

“Please.” He interrupted her, moving closer and gripping her upper arms. “Please don’t run. I just found you…and them. I can’t, I can’t lose any of you. Please. Give us a chance.”

“You have to understand, its just been the three of us. They are my first priority and I will not compromise their safety in any way.”

“I promise, I won’t let anything happen to you or our…our pups. You don’t have to do this alone anymore.”

She would never admit it out loud but she spent most of the night last night sitting in the dark thinking, planning and strategizing. The idea of not having to look over her shoulder constantly called out to her. To not feel alone, to maybe find a sliver of peace and rest delighted her. Yet what if HYDRA still infected SHIELD? Could she be fully positive that those around had her and her children’s best interests at heart?

“Trust me, please.” He begged, tearing her heart out.

After an eternity or a second, she was unsure, she decided to make her choice. Meeting his pleading eyes, she nodded. “Ok, I trust you James Barnes to keep me and our pups safe. Don’t fail us.”

“I won’t. I promise.” He whispered, pressing their foreheads together. “Thank you.”

“After the kids play, we can go get our stuff. It won’t take too long. Would that work?”

“Sure, sure. Steve can call for a truck to come and pick up the stuff. Right, Stevie?”

“Course, Buck. I’ll call right now.” The blond super soldier jumped up and walked several paces away, pulling out his cell phone.

James and Jenna took a hesitant step from each other and she scanned the playground to check on the twins. Yes, she needed to keep an eye on them, especially Sierra, but really, she just needed space. His scent made her want to burrow her face in his neck, to let him hold her close and know he would protect them. She was not sure if it was because of her being an omega or their shared past history but she wanted to relinquish control. But she could not submit like that. Not right away. She needed proof to trust him, besides her and James were such different people then when they last saw one another. Would a relationship even work between them anymore? Would he be a good alpha and father? It felt too early to tell.

“Mama!”

Aidan running over broke her train of thought. He slammed into her legs then tugged on her hand. She smiled, already knowing what he wanted. His favorite part of the playground was the swings off to the side while Sierra could spend hours climbing up and going down the slide.

For the next fifteen minutes, she pushed Aidan and watched James play on the slide with Sierra. After that, the little girl somehow got Steve and Sam to chase her around while James sat on the ground with Aidan and made ramps in the sand for him to drive his monster truck off. Maybe there was hope for a family between them. Perhaps things she once dreamed of might finally come true. She looked on with hope and love growing in her heart.

Chapter 6

Bucky followed behind Jenna as they ascended the stairs, having to move slow because of the toddlers wanting to walk up by themselves. Aidan held his hand, his monster truck still in his other hand. The way the two toddlers had warmed up to him was astounding. To his own even greater surprise, neither one was frightened by his metal arm. It barely even phased either one, only Sierra had a reaction to it which equated to her frequently grabbing his metal hand to stare at her own reflection and giggle. Now they were heading up to their second-floor apartment to gather their stuff and taken them to the Tower. Sam stayed outside with the truck and to keep an eye on their surroundings.

When Bucky saw the apartment building, he was horrified and distraught that this was where they had been living. He understood it had to be hard to be a single mother, raising twins while having to stay off the grid but this. It brought a new revelation of how much she must struggle to get by and the sacrifices she had made. He promised himself to spoil all three of them anyway he could. He doubted he would be the only one spoiling the kids by the heart shaped eyes Steve had whenever the kids interacted with him.

Jenna opened the door and ushered the toddlers in first. Steve and Bucky followed scanning the place. It was a small one-bedroom apartment, the walls were a yellowed tan from age with bare minimum furniture. A raised eyebrow from Steve received a nod from Bucky. This reminded them both of their own poor childhoods. There was no way his family was allowed to continue to live like this. Not while he had he means to change it.

“Look! Me puppy!” Sierra ran up to the two men, showing them a brown stuffed animal with floppy ears.

“He’s really nice.” Steve smiled at the little girl. Aidan appeared next to show them his stuffed owl but a male voice made Bucky turn around.

Before Jenna could fully close the door, someone called out her name. She sighed and reopened it, plastering a fake smile on her lips.

“Hey, Paul.”

“Alicia. How are ya, babe?”

Every alpha instinct went on high alert as Bucky heard that. He watched the man, by his scent a weak alpha, rush over. The man leaned against the doorframe, a crooked smile greeting her. He was attractive enough- tall, thin, a nose looking like it had been broken at least once, while wearing a backwards baseball cap and jeans.

“I’m ok. You?”

“Yeah, good, good. Hey, think you’ll have an evening off soon? I still wanna take you to that joint down the street. I think you’d really like it. I’ll even pay for someone to watch your pups. Don’t give me that look, come on, you’ve been saying no for two months now. Its ok to let loose and have some fun.”

Bucky had heard enough by this point. In several swift strides, he approached, wrapping an arm around Jenna’s waist and tugged her into his side. “Hey doll face, we’re waiting on you. Who’s your friend here?”

“Oh, this is Paul. He lives two doors away. Paul, this is James.”

Paul’s eyebrows furrowed as the other alpha intruded on what he thought was his territory. It almost made Bucky smile as he watched Paul straighten up and puff his chest out. He posed no real threat at all. It was almost comical.

“Nice to meet you.” Paul winced slightly as he shook Bucky’s hand. “Um…how…are you friends?”

“I’m her alpha.” He stated bluntly, loving the way Paul’s eyes widened.

A sharp elbow to his ribs surprised and amused him. “No, you’re not.” Jenna retorted.

“Keep telling yourself that, doll.” He winked at the still stunned Paul. “She likes to play hard to get. Now, we need to finish packing. It was nice to meet you.” Without waiting for a response, he pulled Jenna inside and closed the door in Paul’s face.

“Was that really necessary?”

He smirked. “Did you want him to keep talking to you?”

“No…”

“You’re welcome then, beautiful. Now, put Steve and me to work.”

A wicked gleam came into her eyes. “Yes, alpha.”

A low growl emerged as he stepped closer. Unable to help himself anymore, he ran his nose along the shell of her ear and breathed in her heady, sweet scent that he would happily drown in. “Don’t start something you don’t mean, omega.”

A faint shudder coursed through her before she replied, slightly breathless. “Guess we’ll have to wait and see.”

Damn boundaries and waiting. He pressed a chaste kiss to her temple then stepped back, pleased to see the faintest blush on her cheeks. “What do we need to do?”

“There are suitcases on the bed that we will take. None of the furniture has to come with. Let me grab a trash bag and throw the toys in it. Should we bring the food or leave it?”

“Bring it. Each of the suites have a full kitchen in them.”

“Ok.” She called over to the twins playing on the floor with Steve. “Nuggets! Get your toys please and put them on the couch. We are having a sleepover and want to bring everything.”

Ten minutes later, Steve has the three suitcases and was heading downstairs. The twins had a small backpack on each, a few toys in them. Sam had come up and was helping the twins down the stairs while loudly singing ‘The Wheels on the Bus’ with them somewhat following along.

Bucky stood at the door waiting for Jenna, two car seats by his feet. He watched her scanning the small apartment. Seeming somewhat satisfied, she reached above the fridge and pulled down a pistol and case of bullets. She stared at the gun for along moment as if lost in thought. He was caught off-guard by her having a gun in her possession. He doubted it was legal. Would she feel it necessary to keep? Did she know how to use it? Then a dark thought entered wondering if she had been forced to use it to protect her and their pups. Silently Bucky moved over to stand in front of her.

“Come here.” Gently he took it from her, slipping it into the waistline of his pants. The bullets, he stuffed the small case into one of his pockets. Without warning, he stepped closer and wrapped his arms around her. He could nt imagine what al she had been through to take care of the twins and stay ahead of HYDRA. She stiffened in his arms. Immediately he wondered if he made the wrong move. His thought had been to offer comfort but maybe she was not ready for that from him. Before he could pull back and apologize, her arms went around his waist and she placed her head on his chest.

“I’m scared.” She murmured.

“I know. I am too. Yesterday morning I woke up and didn’t know what I was doing at the Tower. If I should stay or leave. What I currently should do with my life. But now I have you and our pups in my life. I’ll never be good enough for you or them but I promise to damn well try and do everything I can to keep you safe and happy. You aren’t alone anymore, Jenna. Not if you don’t wanna be.”

“James…”

“Bucky.”

“What?”

He tilted her chin up to stare into those gorgeous onyx eyes. “I prefer Bucky.”

“I thought you preferred alpha.”

He growled, burrowing his face into her neck. Damn she smelled incredible and her body pressed against his felt perfect. Her giggle almost made him come undone along with her squirming. He nipped at the skin on her neck teasingly. “Omega, you are trouble.”

She pushed against his chest, a coy smile on her face. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Reluctantly he released her and stepped back. “Anything else you need?”

“No, I think that’s it, alpha.”

He groaned, his instincts attempting to run wild at her calling him that. “Argh. We better get moving out of this apartment before I pin you against a wall.”

“One of these days, I might let you, mon ange nior.” With a wink over her shoulder, she sashed over to the two garbage bags of stuff and headed towards the door.

That was it. By the grace of God, saints, angels or whatever deities he needed to beseech, he was going to do everything to become her alpha. To have her affection and trust once again. Dammit, he would be the best mate and father he could and make sure they never experienced any lack again. He promised himself to romance and love the hell out of her and devote himself to his pups. He may be a monster but he would be everything for them. Quickly he grabbed the car seats and followed her out the door. He could not help but think that the sound of the door closing was the signal of the ending of a chapter in his life. Glancing over at the beautiful omega by his side, he did not mind one bit and could not wait to see what the next chapter held in store for him. For their family.

#waiting4inspiration #bucky barnes #avengers a/b/o #this got a little dark #mzwrites

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ghostmartyr · 5 years

Text

SnK 119 Thoughts

In the next thrilling episode of things going much worse than they needed to, all my fake internet money is going towards Historia actually incubating Eren’s missing leg under her shirt.

Through the power of Paths he rips his way out of Historia’s stomach while NPC Farmer Guy watches in complete horror and Levi bleeds out on the kitchen table because everyone is too distracted by the latest bloody mess.

The rest of the manga is just devoted to extreme Biblical discourse over who is playing which part in the story, and how many ways can they be Frankensteined together.

With bonus points going to Levi sharing Jesus’ birthday.

Christ Bowl: Resurrection.

Like Serum Bowl only somehow worse for everyone.

Okay so a lot happened.

I wanna make sure I’ve got it.

Lessee.

Yeah.

So.

A bunch of people died.

Reiner was not one of them, because death would impede the manga’s one constant of Reiner suffering.

That’s it, that’s the chapter.

Geez, okay. So in one corner we’ve got all of the folks who Zeke turned into titans. And Zeke actually made that cog of the plot spin forward. So we’ve got a city full of titans. In previous times this was undesired and bad, and it still sort of is, but the people these titans will eat are Marleyan soldiers, so it’s a lot easier to not feel so bad about the cannibalism.

Then we’ve got Porco Galliard.

Who is apparently dead now.

Falco, who is not dead, no longer has a brother. Because Colt wanted to hug his baby brother during his time of need more than he wanted to live. So Colt’s dead too.

Zeke is somehow not dead. Still.

Gabi is keeping up the Braun tradition of living to survive further trauma.

Mikasa, Armin, Jean, and Connie continue to be good children who deserve only nice things as they try to clean up the mess their one friend has managed to create around them.

And Eren’s head gets blown off.

Which it’s sort of hard to argue he doesn’t deserve, all things considered. ‘All things’ including the part where he’s probably not going to stay dead if he even reaches that point.

...

Okay.

My main desire with this post is really just to scribble red marker everywhere and draw tiny explosions with the footnote, “things went wrong,” and leave it at that. This is very much one of this series’ chapters where I’d prefer to simply wait for what’s coming than to try to produce something meaningful over what we have.

The temptation to say this is all very rushed is very present, but I think that’s just because two characters with names die and the entire upper brass turns into titans in the space of forty pages.

Galliard’s been getting the crap beaten out of him every single fight. The impressive part is that he stays alive long enough to do something with his death instead of just getting killed.

Colt... yeah, people in hysterics don’t make good choices. I’ll come back to him with kinder words later, but mainly that.

I think I’m just a little in shock that the plot actually moved. While it’s gotten better over the years, the manga is still very much designed around paving a foundation with exposition, then hitting every single relevant beat of said exposition without pausing for air.

The threat of the military turning into titans has been around for months. It just. Finally really happened.

...Look, the manga might not want to take a breather, but I sure do. This is a lot of action dropping a lot of seeds, and part of me is still stuck on the fact that the grand titanization actually happened, and Galliard actually gets nommed.

Oki doki then.

Yay for fewer swords dangling over everyone?

Probably also a no on Jaws breaking Annie out? Falco won’t have the control to do it gently any time soon, and Falco, being a precious beacon of goodness, is not going to feel comfortable just cracking Annie open.

Hell. Some months I think would really go better without a post. With monthly series, there’s usually something each month that’s worth words, and I do think this still qualifies, but this really could use the cushioning of its future chapters. So many boxes got checked off for things happening so fast that it’s hard to gauge their impact. The smoke’s still clearing, and detailing the quality of the rising dust and ashes is not high on entertainment.

Oh well, into the cloud we go.

This month brought to you by brothers!

Colt and Falco; Porco and Marcel; Eren and Zeke. Brothers! Brothers feeling brotherly feelings and relating to each other through said feelings!

Or a series of older brothers severely traumatizing their younger siblings and making everything much worse by trying to be good big brothers in ways that lead to dead bodies littering the streets.

Reiner’s entire post-Warrior Candidate life happens because Marcel wants to keep his little brother safe.

It’s Zeke’s fault, but Colt hugging Falco means that Falco’s transformation kill Colt.

Zeke and Eren. Uh.

Bring out the red marker, because I think it would take less time to outline what area of the plot their grand plan hasn’t rained destruction all over.

This isn’t Evangelion, but good grief, if ever you wanted examples of people caring for each other as badly as they possibly can while maintaining vaguely good intentions, the sibling relationships covered in this chapter have your back.

Colt, to his credit, really is trying to be a good big brother, but. On the list of things Falco did not need, burning his brother to death is pretty high up there.

I’m going to try to stop being stunned by the fact this chapter really did happen now.

Colt, Gabi, and Falco have all been raised in an environment that encouraged hating themselves. The pinnacle of achievement in their lives is to be honored sacrifices for a country who doesn’t think they deserve life.

Gabi's been the star player in that show. Her innocence shatters with her psyche, and this arc has not been gentle in detailing that. She goes from being proud of her status and blowing things up with a laugh to shooting her greatest enemy in tears.

Falco’s been the precious cinnamon roll. He’s unfailingly kind. His goal has always been small: protect Gabi. He adjust to what he sees in front of him, and if it completely changes his worldview, that’s only the background. He’s still here for Gabi.

Colt, from the moment we meet him, is protecting his little brother. He picks Falco up and drags him away from trouble.

He’s Zeke’s successor, in theory. He doesn’t want Falco to ever inherit a Titan. That’s his role in the family. Their entire family is protected from the shame of his uncle’s rebellion through Colt volunteering.

Colt’s just a boy too.

Canon’s very familiar with child soldiers. Our cast is full of them. The land inside the walls has always been presented as a cruel world, and the fact that children regularly die training to become soldiers is their standard.

Warrior Candidates train so they will die.

Colt doesn’t join up because it’s better than working in the fields. It isn’t about saving face. His family’s quality of life is dependent on him doing everything he can to be the shiniest sacrifice of his age group.

It isn’t surprising that Marley uses children for their Warriors.

They’re eager to please and haven’t learned that they have personal agency. With the way Marley raises them, the goal is keeping them from ever learning that lesson to any functional degree. They obey and obey and obey until they die or their sanity snaps.

Because maybe it’ll get better. This small ray of hope is the only way out for their people or their families. Maybe.

Colt’s young. His mentor betrays his country, and now Zeke is the only thing standing between his little brother being okay or an inhuman monster.

The logical thing for Colt is to run straight up to Zeke, the leading spear of the enemy offensive, and beg him to wait for a little while so that Falco can get out of the line of fire. That’s what he has to work with. His love for his little brother and his confidence that the man he’s trained under doesn’t really want to hurt children.

Colt doesn’t understand the world any better than Gabi does, really.

He thinks, because he has a good heart, that that’s how people are. He thinks that the man who set up an entire plan based around robbing people of their autonomy will care more about a little boy than seeing that plan bear fruit.

He thinks it’s enough to argue that he loves his little brother.

Marleyans, Eldians. Those are just lines in the sand. They don’t really mean anything next to something like family. Colt’s little brother is right here, and Zeke can protect him.

So instead of running as far away from Zeke as possible from the start, Colt runs toward him and begs him for just a little time.

That was never going to work.

Colt thought it was worth the chance.

Much like every single Warrior Candidate since the program began.

Maybe it will work. Maybe this will save everyone.

Colt dies holding his little brother. There’s no point to it. It makes Falco more panicked than what’s already about to happen to him. It puts both of them at risk instead of just one.

Because Colt’s just a dumb kid, and he thinks that the most important thing he can do in his last moments of life is let his little brother know that he’s there.

He could have lived if he let Falco be on his own, but his life wasn’t what Colt cared about. So he dies.

He dies, and Porco spends his last moments making sure that Falco still has a chance to live.

Marcel hides his brother away from the supposed honor he’s earned to keep him safe. Marcel never wanted Porco to be a Titan. He wanted his kid brother safe, even if it meant never seeing him again.

Porco finally has the truth, and then he spots these two dumb kids running into a warzone for the same reason.

Marcel tried so hard to spare Porco this hell. It didn’t work. Porco found his way there anyway. And if he’s dying anyway, he’s going to die for something that can actually do some good.

Way to follow your big brother’s example, Pock.

None of this is going to help Reiner in any section of his life. At this point you have to hope the guy lives, just so surviving all of this can be something more than a trauma conga line. I could say something about how the most actively suicidal character of the present manga is continually denied death, and I’m sure it would be profound, but really by now I just feel bad for the guy.

I’m not sure any of these people want to be here, come to think of it.

I’m even less clear on why all of them being here is according to keikaku.

In other news, Eren gets shot.

After all his friends, once again, do their damnedest to keep him alive through his complete lack of regard for them. Without their help, Eren’s dead long before Gabi steps in.

Say thanks, Eren.

Gabi shooting people even after she’s learned that the world is horrifying and complicated should probably elicit something from me, but I’ve long been in the mode of wanting the kid to be left alone with a warm blanket and a hug. Add one more reason to the list.

Plus, there’s shooting people, then there’s shooting Eren.

Knowing far more about Eren than Gabi ever will, I’m not sure I’d want him to make contact with Zeke either. Gabi has made a trillion worse judgment calls.

It’s also somewhat appropriate.

Gabi is only there because Eren destroyed her home. She’s only alive because Sasha cared about letting a little girl live when Eren didn’t. Sasha was only there because Eren manipulated all of his friends into a combat situation none of them wanted.

I’m sure Eren has his reasons, and I’m sure when he inevitably dies for real I’ll have all kinds of emotions about it, but this is a case of him reaping what he sowed.

Hell, the gun’s got a scope and everything. The scene is crying out for a ghost of Sasha superimposed over Gabi.

Sorry your head got fucking blown off, Eren, maybe you should make better life choices.

Because what I keep ending up stuck on is why this is all happening. Clearly, now that this road has been chosen, there are a few things that demand attention, but this is such a finicky, overwrought way of trying to get two bros to hold hands.

“Let’s start a war!”

“Cool!”

Would it have been so hard to just kidnap Zeke.

I’m sure it would have raised some flags.

But.

-gestures to entire chapter-

I just feel like most of this could have been easily avoided by. you know. doing literally anything else. The exact trajectory of this plan can’t possibly be necessary. It isn’t even going well. Eren’s missing his head, Zeke is approaching Reiner levels of plot armor to keep him breathing, and all that’s really been achieved is creating a bunch of new titans and killing some people they could have killed anywhere else.

The plan itself is fundamentally destructive, yet they’ve still managed to make it destructive in a way that actively interferes with the plan going anywhere.

Congrats, gents.

Some random eight-year-old with a sniper rifle destroyed all your hard work.

Much surprise. Very wow.

The explanation for all of this is going to be something incredible.

Either because it’ll be brilliant or because it will continue the downward spiral into the chaotic groupthink of the Yeager Bros and their one brain cell.

I’m okay with whichever the story wants to go with.

#Shingeki no Kyojin #SnK 119 #shingeki no spoilers #SnK spoilers #spoilers #chapter post #tl;dr

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greyias · 5 years

Note

OC Asks 3. How did you choose their name?

Also asked by @captainderyn

Hahahahaha… okay, the short answer?: I’m an idiot. I didn’t realize I was going to love this game or this character as much as I did.

The long answer, well, I’ve alluded to it once or twice in the past, but I guess I should actually delve into it for real. But under a cut, because it’s probably going to get long.

I’m not sure if this should come with any kind of warning, but it’s kind of long and does delve into some personal stuff. So hopefully that doesn’t bother anyone!

Okay, so, when I first heard about this game in 2011, I had been out of fandom for several years, and had played a few MMOs here and there, but never really got into them for very long, mostly because I got bored very quickly with how repetitive they were. And then I read about this supposedly story and character-driven MMO, and I was intrigued. I was talking to my sister-in-law at the time about it, and ultimately realized I’d never be able to play because I didn’t have a PC capable of running it, and I was heavily into debt because of medical issues, to the point where I was having a difficult time affording my car payment, mortgage, and groceries.

So then Christmas rolls around, and my family has just about finished all of the presents when my brother and his wife go and bring in a special gift they’d been working on for several months: a frankensteined gaming PC that had one game installed on it, with several months of a subscription pre-paid: Star Wars the Old Republic

Needless to say, I was kind of bawling because no one had ever done something that nice to me before. And like? It’s kind of hard to describe what that previous year had been like without having a long, long side story but… it was difficult. It kind of sounds melodramatic to say it was hellish, but looking back on it? It kind of was. I was barely doing anything besides surviving, much less having fun. And here my sister-in-law had actually listened to a one-off conversation about how I was interested in this game but probably would never be able to play it, and like… took it upon herself to make that happen.

So of course the first thing I do is hook up my brand FrankenPC, load up the only game on it, and create a character! But it’s a MMO – and even though it’s billed on being story and character-based, I kind of don’t really believe it? Or at least don’t think my character is going to matter. So I do what I did with every other MMO, I used my online nickname to make a character (Greyias) so my friends can recognize me if they’re in-game, create a character that vaguely looks like me, and get to adventuring!

The last name came when they rolled out legacies, and hey, I used “Highwind” for my short-lived Pirates of the Caribbean MMO toon. It’s also the last name for one of the main characters in my abandoned steampunk novel series, but that’s another story for another time.

(And then after about three days of learning the mechancis, re-roll said character on a different server, because OOPS! That wasn’t the server my brother and sister-in-law had started their guild on. She looked a little less like me this time. Probably should have changed the name, but I just wanted to see how the story turned out and eventually quest with my fam)

I realized my mistake around Coruscant when Kira joined up as a companion and I went “…uh oh.”

Because I’ve started to recognize I get a certain feeling when I like something, really like something to the point when I get… ideas. Story ideas. Character conversations and wondering “what if”. Of course, this is still in the open beta period, the game hasn’t even launched yet, there’s still long queues to log in and the grind is real, and I just want to see where this story is going and what Darth Angral is going to do, and why is this character so damn sincere and genuine and I don’t like characters that are the literal embodiment of sunshine, I like snarky snarksters and–oh. No I actually do like the Sunshine Jedi. A lot.

Now, a few of you may be like “I really don’t see what the problem is” – this is kind of an old school thing, and something that seems to have thankfully gotten a lot of pushback in the time since I had left fandom and the time since I rejoined it, and that is: The Dreaded Mary Sue

From about the time I had started writing fic when I was in my early teens and onwards it had been drilled into my head that Mary Sues were a bad thing. And self-inserts were worse. Especially if they were *gasp* FEMALE CHARACTERS. (We can’t have those girls having characters they identify with now, can we?) And like, those very relevant discussions aside, I was kind of… ashamed? That I had made a self-insert without realizing it? Despite the fact that like, the character that resulted from my playthrough was very much not me. Like, a significantly different person.

But I was starting to get story ideas and snatches of character bits, and like, I hadn’t written in so long, I hadn’t been inspired in so long. And honestly I just loved this little do-gooder goober, in all of her naive, happy-go-lucky glory. As well as her red-headed sidekick and this amazing dynamic that I had only really seen depicted between male characters previously. And so I promised myself if I got a story idea, I’d write it out and… just change Grey’s name to something else. So no one would know my secret crime, and I would be free, freeeee to scribble in the margins of canon.

It was a great plan, except, I had been playing with subtitles for the game on, so every time Grey would speak, her name would appear above it. And wouldn’t you know? I associated that name with that face, and well, I didn’t get that story idea yet, so it was. Fine I tell you. FINE.

I kept playing the game. In fact, I played the game a lot in the middle part of 2012, because wouldn’t you know? I had another round of medical issues that put me on short term disability and I actually had to retrain my body to sit in a chair for long periods of time (look, it’s a really long story, and this post is long enough as it is). So let’s just say… I got really attached to my little Sunshine Jedi who could go out and save the galaxy when I could barely walk a hundred feet.

And continued to play it off and on over the following years, until finally, finally the devs removed the grind wall in preparation for KotFE, and I was able to finish the Jedi Knight storyline and see where her story ended up. Then I played the next expansion on Makeb. Which was fun. Then I made the mistake that we all know I was eventually going to make: I played Shadow of Revan.

And met Theron fucking Shan. And my perfect little Jedi suddenly fell in love and oh crap. I’m escaping out of cutscenes to rewatch them. Like rewatching them an absurd amount of times. And as I’m going to sleep I’m like, getting entire bits of narration and brand new scenes and fic ideas in my head, and oh god. It finally happened. I try and resist the pull, but I play up through KotFE and I have no more story to stall any more. And the snippets just keep lulling me to sleep every night and… okay.

I probably need to rename this character now. Like, there’s an actual ability to do that in-game so I should get to it. Chop chop.

Nothing works. Nothing at all works. This should not be that hard, she can have any name, no one will know. Why can’t I think of a different name? I go to every single name site known to man, and none of them are her. Besides the fact, that’s her name, and I’m starting to feel kind of guilty for taking it away from her. Poor girl has been through so much in canon and now I’m taking away her name? What kind of monster am I? Okay, fine. I roll up a different Knight during the Dark vs Light event, gave that one an actual name that was not my online writer name just to see if I could trick my brain into writing about them.

Nope.

Maybe I’ll change my online name? “Let her keep the name Grey and I can just have a different name and…” – at this point I’m starting to realize I might be getting slightly neurotic over this whole thing.

Completely annoyed with myself for spending nearly a year trying to come up with a new name I’m starting to get desperate, thinking up ways to maybe just… write around it and not let people know her name until they maybe fall in love with her and hopefully just forget how it’s weird. That can work right? Okay, whatever at least I’m writing and it’s shutting these two up, and it’s all going good for several stories in and then suddenly I get to a scene that has more than one female character and I’m like “Shit… the jig is up.”

Meanwhile, I’ve started up a Dragon Age Origins playthrough, and like a dumbass, DO THE EXACT SAME THING with a female Cousland, and start whining to poor @for-the-flail on Twitter, on my fainting couch about how I can never write this character’s name because I named her after myself, and, bless her heart, she’s just like: “…um. Why?”

And I’m like “Because… we share a name… and that’s weird for people…?”

She goes “It’s not that weird. Why don’t you just write your stories? People will like them or not.”

And sheepishly, I realized she was right, and stopped being so diligent about hiding poor Grey’s name, and eventually, because you are all such lovely and encouraging people, eventually embraced it. (Come to think of it, I never did wind up writing about poor Cousland!Grey. Oops.)

So! That’s the long and ramble story of how she got her name and why it never changed despite my best efforts.

In summary: I’m an idiot 🤷‍♀️ but I think you guys love me anyway?

#thank you for the ask!#oc: greyias highwind #oc asks #honekitteh #captainderyn #sorry this was so long

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spaceytingz · 4 years

Text

1 year of my last.fm!

A year ago, on 20th of May 2019, I learned of last.fm from some peeps at a Carly Rae Jepsen Discord I joined because she had released her new album a few days ago and I wanted to discuss it with other fans. I’m a bit of a stats nerd, so it was really exciting seeing, like, analytics of the music I was listening to during the past year, and, now that I’ve hit the first important milestone, I’m doing this post so I can compile my observations!

Content:

General Stats

Month Recaps

Some observations

General Stats:

Total scrobbles (listens) : 33302 (Assuming an average 3 minute song length, this is 1665 hours, which is 69 days of music (nice). However, if we give 8 hours for sleep every day, that’s 104 days of music and sleep, which conveniently matches the duration of a summer vacation. Nice. This is 91 songs a day, AKA around 4.5 hours of music a day.)

Top 15 artists:

Carly Rae Jepsen - 6469 scrobbles (One fifth of all songs listened, around 323.45 total hours, which means around 53 minutes a day)

Ke$ha - 2150 scrobbles (around 107.5 total hours, which means around 17 minutes a day)

Marina & The Diamonds (I am gonna be referring to her as that because we don’t claim L+F) - 1741 scrobbles (around 87 total hours, which means around 14.5 minutes a day)

Taylor Swift - 1620 scrobbles (around 81 total hours, which means around 13.35 minutes a day)

P!nk - 1218 scrobbles (around 61 total hours, which means around 10 minutes a day)

Lorde - 968 scrobbles (around 48.5 total hours, which means around 8 minutes a day)

Tessa Violet - 697 scrobbles (around 35 total hours, which means around 6 minutes a day)

Tove Lo - 692 scrobbles (around 34.5 total hours, which means around 6 minutes 5.8 day)

Britney Spears - 684 scrobbles (around 34.2 total hours, which means around 5.6 minutes a day)

Halsey - 646 scrobbles (around 32 total hours, which means around 5.3 minutes a day)

Charli XCX - 588 scrobbles (around 29.5 total hours, which means around 4.8 minutes a day)

Kim Petras - 577 scrobbles (around 29 total hours, which means around 4.7 minutes a day)

Dua Lipa - 529 scrobbles (around 26.5 total hours, which means around 4.3 minutes a day)

Meghan Trainor - 492 scrobbles (around 24.6 total hours, which means around 4 minutes a day)

Ariana Grande - 485 scrobbles (around 24.25 total hours, which means around 4 minutes a day)

Top 15 albums:

Emotion by Carly Rae Jepsen (1887 scrobbles, AKA around 94 hours) - Probably my favorite album ever.

Dedicated by Carly Rae Jepsen (1740 scrobbles, AKA around 87 hours) - A chill album that I really like!

Emotion: Side B by Carly Rae Jepsen (923 scrobbles, AKA around 46 hours) - A collection of B-Sides that is better than other people’s main material and its parent album

High Road by Kesha (792 scrobbles, AKA almost 40 hours) - THE PARTY ALBUM OF THE YEAR

Melodrama by Lorde (642 scrobbles, AKA around 32 hours) - Masterpiece

Kiss by Carly Rae Jepsen (642 scrobbles, AKA around 32 hours) - To be fair, all my streams from Kiss have been streams of its good songs, which are, like, 60% of the album

Electra Heart by Marina & The Diamonds (585 scrobbles, AKA around 29 hours) - An amazing concept album

reputation by Taylor Swift (476 scrobbles, AKA almost 24 hours) - I love the energy of this album

Bad Ideas by Tessa Violet (473 scrobbles, AKA 23.5 hours) - Amazing.

FROOT by Marina & The Diamonds (454 scrobbles, AKA around 22.5 hours) - This album really grew on me. It’s almost as good as EH.

The Truth About Love by P!nk (408 scrobbles, AKA around 20.5 hours) - My favorite P!nk album, filled with bops.

Manic by Halsey (407 scrobbles, AKA around 20.5 hours) - It has high highs and very low lows.

Animal by Kesha (396 scrobbles, AKA almost 20 hours) - Incredible

Future Nostalgia by Dua Lipa (373 scrobbles, AKA around 18.5 hours) - Very consistent and very good.

Sunshine Kitty by Tove Lo (358 scrobbles, AKA almost 18 hours) - Filled with bops.

Top 15 tracks:

Happy Not Knowing by Carly Rae Jepsen - Carly’s songs are usually growers for me - I don’t like them immediately, but when they grow on me, I love them passionately for a very long time. Happy Not Knowing was an exception. It was the song that I fell in love with on my first listen of Dedicated. It’s my second favorite on the album, after Too Much, but it turns out that it managed to beat it, even if Too Much has an MV. Good for it. Also, my aro ass can very much relate to the sentiment (even if Carly’s doing this to not hurt herself, I can very much Frankenstein this into an aromantic song, thank you very much) - (294 scrobbles)

Too Much by Carly Rae Jepsen - This song might as well have been called “Carly Rae Jepsen violently comes for Tumblr user @ravenclawer‘s ass”. I adore it, the MV is amazing, and it’s one of my favorite songs ever. - (277 scrobbles)

Your Type by Carly Rae Jepsen - I have called this song a song that can turn an aroace into a girl desperate for love for a period of 4 minutes and I stand by my word. My favorite CRJ song ever. - (251 scrobbles)

Want You In My Room by Carly Rae Jepsen - This song is so fun. - (217 scrobbles)

Let’s Get Lost by Carly Rae Jepsen - Let’s Get Lost is pure joy. I honestly think it’s a perfect pop song, and I could go as far as call it a quintessential Carly song. Like, one of the biggest advantages Carly has over many other artists in my eyes is the fact that her singing is so full of emotion - of joy, sorrow, pity. And this song showcases that well. My face literally lights up every time I hear it. - (206 scrobbles)

I’ll Be Your Girl by Carly Rae Jepsen - One of my faves on Dedicated. I love the pettiness behind it. To be frank, I was sleeping on this song until I saw fanart about it, and that fanart made the song click in my head. - (194 scrobbles)

Cry by Carly Rae Jepsen - This song is incredible. One of my top 3 favorite CRJ songs. I can’t really describe it, but.... it’s Cry. I have literally seen people pray for Dedicated Side B to have a “Cry”. It’s Cry, and that’s enough of an explanation. - (184 scrobbles)

Now That I Found You by Carly Rae Jepsen - It’s fun! I love the MV, it makes me wanna dance! A nice song! I am perplexed over why I have listened so much to it, as I like every single song from #9 to #15 more than it, but hey, data doesn’t lie. Oh shit, it just got to the prechorus, I take it back, it’s amazing. - (179 scrobbles)

Party For One by Carly Rae Jepsen - Jepsies shit on this song, and this angers me. It’s a bop, the music video is iconic, and it’s classic Carly. I love it. - (177 scrobbles)

LA Hallucinations by Carly Rae Jepsen - THE MOST SLEPT ON SONG FROM EMOTION. THE MOMENT WHEN THE “PLANES I’M HOPPING CARDS I’M DROPPING” HITS, MY WIG IS INSTANTLY EVAPORATED AND I DIE ON THE SPOT. - (172 scrobbles)

Run Away With Me by Carly Rae Jepsen - You know, this is also surprising, because I’m one of the three (3) CRJ stans that does not worship this song. Like, it’s amazing, but I can name 10 better song on Emotion only. But still, it’s amazing. LET’S RUN AWAAAYYY I’D RUN AWAY WITH YOUUUUU - (171 scrobbles)

Fever by Carly Rae Jepsen - You have not lived until you have shouted this song at the top of your lungs while biking in the countryside. One of my three favorite songs from CRJ. The live performance is also amazing. - (154 scrobbles)

The One by Carly Rae Jepsen - This song finally fully clicked for me in August, and, Jesus, this song is truly one of her best. IF YOU WANT TO, YOU COULD HOLD ME TIGHT, I DON’T WANNA BE THE ONE - (152 scrobbles)

Cut To The Feeling by Carly Rae Jepsen - It’s Cut To The Feeling, come on, it’s literally one of the best pop, nah, best songs in history. - (150 scrobbles, however, if we count a certain cover, it jumps to #5 with 209 scrobbles)

Making The Most Of The Night by Carly Rae Jepsen - I remember first hearing this song and reading a comment that said “This song is literal pop perfection”. And, you know what? I’m inclined to agree. - (149 scrobbles)

ooookay, so that top 15 is super diverse, so I’m gonna do a second top 15 with the songs that are not from CRJ lol

17. Crush by Tessa Violet - This song is SO GOOD. It’s not special to me or anything, but it’s SO GOOD. - (134 scrobbles)

20. Delicate by Taylor Swift - One of my favorite songs of all time. It’s up there with “Your Type”, “Please Don’t Leave Me” and the others. - (114 scrobbles)

23. Tonight by Kesha - as a user on r/popheads described it: “THE TRASHY HOE ANTHEM OF THE YEAR” - (134 scrobbles)

24. Primadonna by Marina & The Diamonds - My mental state when I drink five cups of Coca Cola in a row and I get too happy about life. - (111 scrobbles)

25. So Hot You’re Hurting My Feelings by Caroline Polachek - I wanted to dislike this song SO HARD, cause she just kept popping in my recommendations, but once I gave in.... a masterpiece. - (110 scrobbles)

27. Stay Over by Tove Lo - What is with me and desperate bops? Amazing, a masterpiece. - (108 scrobbles)

28. Physical by Dua Lipa - LET’S GET PHYSICAL MISS DUA! The MV is a masterpiece. - (108 scrobbles)

30. Supercut by Lorde - One of my favorite songs of all time. A bop, a masterpiece, the moment. - (105 scrobbles)

32. Liability by Lorde - The only song that has ever made me cry. - (100 scrobbles)

33. Talking Body by Tove Lo - A sexy bop. - (100 scrobbles)

38. You Need To Calm Down by Taylor Swift - It’s catchy, I like it - (98 scrobbles)

39. Don’t Start Now by Dua Lipa - DON’T SHOW UP - (97 scrobbles)

45. Convenient by Lo Lo - This song is so bitchy, it captures the exact kind of energy I’m striving towards. Masterpiece. - (89 scrobbles)

46. Between You & Me by Betty Who - A bop I discovered in summer! Amazing! - (87 scrobbles)

48. Green Light by Lorde - I’M WAITING FOR IT! THAT GREEN LIGHT! I WANT IT! - (87 scrobbles)

some fun stats (for me):

Top Artists:

CRJ has more scrobbles than #2, #3, and #4 combined and if she had a couple hundred more, we could add #5 to the equation.

I’m honestly surprised Halsey and Charli XCX even made it to the top 15, considering I don’t think of myself as a fan of them.

Britney at #9 is a welcome surprise.

It’s very curious to me how I have listened more to Meghan Trainor than Ariana Grande

Also, the small gaps after #7 are really funny. Like the gaps in #1 - #6 are in the hundreds, and the gaps in #7 to #15 happen to be something like 15 scrobbles lol

Top Albums:

I didn’t expect Electra Heart that high, but good for her

I am pretty sure I listened to reputation enough to help TS get to #5 of my Top Artists.

Just Emotion’s scrobbles would have been enough to get CRJ to #2

Top Tracks:

40% (6) of the top 15 all-time tracks are from Dedicated, 33% (5) are from Emotion, and the rest 27% (4) are from Emotion Side B (if we count Cut To The Feeling)

60% of the top 10 all time tracks are from Dedicated, 30% are from Emotion and 10% are from Emotion: Side B

Month Recap:

I will be treating the statistics like charts cause it’s fun lol

May 2019:

May 2019 in one sentence: Carly Rae Fucking Jepsen.

Top Artists:

Carly Rae Jepsen (404 scrobbles, AKA around 20 hours, AKA 2 hours a day) - CRJ released her new album a few days before I started my last.fm, so I was obviously listening to her a lot.

Sara Bareilles (65 scrobbles, AKA around 3 hours) - I was just discovering her hit songs.

Ke$ha (36 scrobbles)

Paramore (34 scrobbles)

P!nk (30 scrobbles)

Top Albums:

Dedicated by Carly Rae Jepsen (184 scrobbles, AKA around 9 hours, so probably one listen of the album a day) - It just came out, and I am a slut for CRJ.

Emotion by Carly Rae Jepsen (64 scrobbles, AKA around 3 hours)

Emotion Side B by Carly Rae Jepsen (63 scrobbles)

Kaleidoscope Heart by Sara Bareilles (29 scrobbles solely from Gotta Get Over You)

Kiss by Carly Rae Jepsen (27 scrobbles)

Top Tracks:

Want You In My Room By Carly Rae Jepsen (37 scrobbles) - You know, I’m kinda surprised it’s on top, since it’s not in my top 3 in Dedicated, but, to be fair, I probably listened to my top 3 a lot in the three days the album was out and I didn’t have last.fm. A bop.

Too Much by Carly Rae Jepsen (33 scrobbles) - My favorite song on the album. Legendary.

Gonna Get Over You by Sara Bareilles (29 scrobbles) - I had forgotten exactly how much of a bop this song was. I discovered it around the time I set up my last.fm.

LA Hallucinations by Carly Rae Jepsen (21 scrobbles) - One of my faves on Emotion. Deserved much better.

The Sound by Carly Rae Jepsen (19 scrobbles) - You know, this is kinda surprising, cause The Sound isn’t one of my faves, but, hey, it’s a bop.

As there were only 10 days of tracking, there is less material. On to the first full month of tracking!

June 2019:

Top Artists:

Carly Rae Jepsen (=) (990 scrobbles, almost 50 hours, so about an hour and 40 minutes a day) - Miss Carly Rae Jepsen continued her dominance over my ears and my heart during June. As she should.

P!nk (+3) (245 scrobbles, around 12 hours) - P!nk was my favorite artist of all time until 2019, and now shares that title with CRJ and Kesha. Dunno what I listened from her during June yet, but she is very much a summer artist.

Kim Petras (+16) (107 scrobbles, around 5 hours) - Kim Petras has bops, and released her debut album in late June, so I listened to quite a bit.

Taylor Swift (+33) (95 scrobbles)

Ke$ha (-2) (90 scrobbles) - Love her

Top Albums: (Carly Rae Jepsen Dominating My Life Part 2)

Emotion by Carly Rae Jepsen (+1) (303 scrobbles, aka 15 hours) - Oh, wow, Emotion managed to outperform Dedicated? Surprising, but, to be fair, this album is timeless and it has so many bops, I adore it.

Dedicated by Carly Rae Jepsen (-1) (230 scrobbles, aka 11.5 hours) - Dedicated is very much a spring album in my eyes, so as summer gets closer and closer, it seems to give some place to Emotion. I remember being really obsessed with Want You In My Room in June.

Emotion Side B (=) by Carly Rae Jepsen (164 scrobbles, aka 8 hours)

Kiss by Carly Rae Jepsen (+2) (63 scrobbles, aka 3 hours)

The Truth About Love by P!nk (+23) (54 scrobbles)

Top Tracks:

Too Much by Carly Rae Jepsen (+1) (48 scrobbles, AKA around 1.6 times a day) - I mean, are we surprised.

Want You In My Room by Carly Rae Jepsen (-1) (46 scrobbles)

Cry by Carly Rae Jepsen (+7) (44 scrobbles)

You Need To Calm Down by Taylor Swift (debut) (41 scrobbles) - I was obsessed with this song when it came out. Don’t know why people don’t like it.

Happy Not Knowing by Carly Rae Jepsen (+1) (36 scrobbles) - The first appearance of what will eventually become my top track of the year.

July 2019:

July was the month of my internship and my sea vacation. I love July.

Top Artists:

Carly Rae Jepsen (=) (803 scrobbles, around 40 hours, so about an hour and 20 minutes a day) - Third month in a row!

Taylor Swift (+2) (245 scrobbles, around 12 hours) - I actually don’t remember what I was listening to from her during July, we’ll get to that in the Top Tracks section.

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend Cast (+8) (119 scrobbles, around 6 hours)

P!nk (-2) (118 scrobbles) - I always listen to P!nk when I’m on a sea vacation, it’s rules. Like, I associate Funhouse with the amusement parks near the sea.

Ke$ha (=) (106 scrobbles, around 5 hours)

Top Albums: (Carly Rae Jepsen Dominating My Life Part 3)

Emotion by Carly Rae Jepsen (=) (229 scrobbles, aka 11.5 hours)

Dedicated by Carly Rae Jepsen (=) (226 scrobbles, aka 11 hours) - Dedicated out there giving Emotion a run for its money.

reputation by Taylor Swift (+12) (127 scrobbles, around 6 hours)

Emotion Side B by Carly Rae Jepsen (-1) (85 scrobbles, aka 4 hours)

Kiss by Carly Rae Jepsen (-1) (74 scrobbles, around 3.5 hours)

Top Tracks:

In My Bed by Sabrina Carpenter (debut) (41 scrobbles, aka 1.3 times a day) - Wow, Carly has finally been dethroned on one chart! I remember discovering the MV for this song in July and really enjoying it. It’s a bop!

Too Much by Carly Rae Jepsen (-1) (38 scrobbles, aka 1.3 times a day) - Too Much ain’t going nowhere for a third month straight.

Now That I Found You by Carly Rae Jepsen (+54) / Your Type by Carly Rae Jepsen (+4) / I Did Something Bad by Taylor Swift (debut) (I had just discovered this song, and god, it’s amazing) (33 scrobbles, aka around 1 time a day)

Run Away With Me by Carly Rae Jepsen (+30) (31 scrobbles)

Between You And Me by Betty Who (debut) (This song is so summery, I adore it!) / Right Words Wrong Time by Carly Rae Jepsen (+106) (29 scrobbles)

August 2019:

I spent half the month biking in the German countryside, singing my heart out to Carly lol

Top Artists:

Carly Rae Jepsen (=) (544 scrobbles, around 27 hours, so about an hour a day) - Third month in a row!

Taylor Swift (=) (156 scrobbles, around 8 hours) - Her new album came out in late August, so I listened to it a bit.

Katy Perry (+6) (59 scrobbles, around 3 hours)

P!nk (=) (51 scrobbles)

Ariana Grande (+6) (48 scrobbles, around 2.5 hours)

Top Albums:

Emotion by Carly Rae Jepsen (=) (140 scrobbles, aka 7 hours)

Emotion Side B by Carly Rae Jepsen (+2) (125 scrobbles, aka 6 hours) - August 2019 was the moment Emotion Side B fuly clicked for me. Fever and The One got promoted to masterpiece level in my mind. Also, Side B is such an August album. I adore it.

Dedicated by Carly Rae Jepsen (-1) (85 scrobbles, aka 4.5 hours)

Lover by Taylor Swift (debut) (78 scrobbles, around 4 hours)

Kiss by Carly Rae Jepsen (=) (72 scrobbles, aka 3.5 hours)

Top Tracks:

Fever by Carly Rae Jepsen (+19) (THE MOST MEMORABLE SONG FROM AUGUST, YOU HAVE NOT LIVED UNTIL YOU HAVE SCREAMED “SO I STOOOOLE YOUR BIKE” WHILE RIDING A BIKE WHILE THE AUGUST SUN SETS AND THE SKY IS PINK) / Happy Not Knowing by Carly Rae Jepsen / Small Talk by Katy Perry (26 scrobbles, around 1 time a day)

Too Much by Carly Rae Jepsen (=) (25 scrobbles)

Party For One by Carly Rae Jepsen (+8) (24 scrobbles)

Queen Of Mean by Sarah Jeffrey (debut) (23 scrobbles)

I’ll Be Your Girl by Carly Rae Jepsen (+36) / Your Type by Carly Rae Jepsen (-2) (this particular song hits really different in August) (22 scrobbles)

September 2019:

Summer dies and I go back to school.

Top Artists:

Carly Rae Jepsen (=) (398 scrobbles, around 20 hours) - CRJ really said “y’all ain’t taking my spot on the top artists chart”

Marina & The Diamonds (+31) (107 scrobbles, around 5 hours)

Taylor Swift (-1) (103 scrobbles)

P!nk (=) (76 scrobbles) - P!nk is #4 for the third month in a row lol

Britney Spears (+1) (64 scrobbles)

Top Albums:

Dedicated by Carly Rae Jepsen (+2) (141 scrobbles, around 7 hours) - As summer dies down, Dedicated manages to outperform Emotion for the first time since the month of its release. Good for her.

Emotion by Carly Rae Jepsen (-1) (87 scrobbles, aka 4.5 hours)

Electra Heart by Marina & The Diamonds (reenter) (74 scrobbles, aka around 3.6 hours)

Lover by Taylor Swift (=) (36 scrobbles)

Emotion Side B by Carly Rae Jepsen (-3) (30 scrobbles)

Top Tracks: (AKA Marina and Lana teaming up to finally kick CRJ out of the top 2)

Doin’ Time by Lana Del Rey (debut) (31 scrobbles) - This is such a September song, it’s amazing.

Starring Role by Marina & The Diamonds (debut) (29 scrobbles) - This was around the time I realised this song is actually a masterpiece. Fuck me up, Marina.

Want You In My Room by Carly Rae Jepsen (+73) (28 scrobbles) - The MV came out in September, and I, naturally, adored it.

Obsessed by Mariah Carey (debut) (26 scrobbles) - I discovered the MV on Youtube and it was and still is, a bop.

Happy Not Knowing by Carly Rae Jepsen (-4) (25 scrobbles)

October 2019:

My biggest memories from this month: Discovering Melodrama and Bad Ideas. (Also Body Talk by Robyn)

Top Artists:

Carly Rae Jepsen (=) (420 scrobbles, around 21 hours)

Taylor Swift (+1) (252 scrobbles, around 12.5 hours) - I’m calling it: this is from my autumn listens of reputation + the song Red

Lorde (debut) (214 scrobbles)

Marina & The Diamonds (-2) (151 scrobbles)

P!nk (-1) (127 scrobbles)

Top Albums:

Melodrama by Lorde (debut) (200 scrobbles AKA around 10 hours) - Carly finally gets kicked out of the first place by a masterpiece of an album. Discovering Melodrama in autumn was a fucking experience. A masterpiece.

Emotion by Carly Rae Jepsen (-1) (196 scrobbles AKA around 10 hours) - It’s amusing to me exactly how close the two are lol

Bad Ideas by Tessa Violet (debut) (100 scrobbles, AKA around 5 hours) - I adore this album.

Turn Off The Light by Kim Petras (debut) (88 scrobbles, AKA around 4.5 hours) - I mean, it’s the Halloween month, you expect me not to listen to it?

Dedicated by Carly Rae Jepsen (-4) (79 scrobbles, AKA around 4 hours)

Top Tracks: In a shocking turn of events, CRJ is completely kicked out of the top 5. Autumn sadness (or, dare I say, melodrama)’s impact.

Graveyard by Halsey (debut) (42 scrobbles) - A bop. I also really liked the summer-autumnish aesthetics in the MV.

Supercut by Lorde (debut) (40 scrobbles) - Masterpiece.

Liability by Lorde (debut) (39 scrobbles) - When I listened to it for the first time, I cried. I never cry.

Do You Miss Me At All by Bridgit Mendler (debut)/ Clementine by Halsey (debut) (Ugh, this and Graveyard’s aesthetics. Me love it.) (35 scrobbles)

Red by Taylor Swift (debut) (34 scrobbles) - An acquaintance had the nerve to say it’s better than Delicate, so I gave it a listen. Spoiler Alert: It’s not, but it’s a good song.

November 2019:

Warm autumn is gone. Seasonal depression.

Top Artists:

Tessa Violet (debut) (256 scrobbles, AKA almost 13 hours) - And so, the artist who has the honor to end CRJ’s 6 month streak at #1 is revealed. I love Tessa. I continued to listen to her album in November, it’s amazing.

Carly Rae Jepsen (-1) (248 scrobbles, AKA around 12.5 hours) - She ain’t giving up without a fight, your honor.

Lorde (=) (179 scrobbles, AKA 9 hours) - *screams in Melodrama*

P!nk (+1) (154 scrobbles, AKA 7.5 hours)

Britney Spears (+7) (126 scrobbles) - I think I was discovering Britney in autumn.

Top Albums:

Bad Ideas by Tessa Violet (+2) (179 scrobbles, AKA around 9 hours)

Melodrama by Lorde (-1) (178 scrobbles) - THE GAP addjajdasla

Emotion by Carly Rae Jepsen (-1) (101 scrobbles)

The Truth About Love by P!nk (+4) (95 scrobbles)

Dedicated by Carly Rae Jepsen (=) (72 scrobbles, AKA around 3.5 hours)

Top Tracks:

So Hot You’re Hurting My Feelings by Caroline Polachek (debut) (62 scrobbles)

Don’t Start Now by Dua Lipa (debut) (54 scrobbles)

Haze by Tessa Violet (debut) (47 scrobbles)

Back To You by Selena Gomez (debut) (37 scrobbles)

Crush by Tessa Violet (debut) (34 scrobbles)

I feel like my variety of songs I get obsessed with shrinks as winter approaches. Or, you know, those five songs are that good.

December 2019:

*insert mental image of me desperately ignoring my final thesis project*]

Top Artists:

Carly Rae Jepsen (+1) (495 scrobbles, AKA around 25 hours) - Aaaand she’s back :)

Tove Lo (+43) (199 scrobbles, AKA 10 hours) - I think I discovered Sunshine Kitty around December, which was my introduction to Tove Lo after discovering Glad He’s Gone in the summer.

Tessa Violet (-2) (113 scrobbles, AKA around 5.5 hours)

Britney Spears (+1) (98 scrobbles) - It is most amusing to me how she keeps popping up in this chart, when I’ve never fully listened to an album of hers, and she doesn’t appear on the other two charts lol. Love her.

Taylor Swift (+1) (97 scrobbles)

Top Albums:

Dedicated by Carly Rae Jepsen (+4) (174 scrobbles, AKA around 8.5 hours) - Okay, I figured it out: Dedicated is a winter and spring album, Emotion is summer and autumn.

Sunshine Kitty by Tove Lo (debut) (170 scrobbles) - I discovered it that month, a solid album. Stay Over is my fave on it.

Emotion by Carly Rae Jepsen (=) (131 scrobbles)

Bad Ideas by Tessa Violet (-3) (75 scrobbles)

Emotion Side B by Carly Rae Jepsen (+14) (73 scrobbles)

Top Tracks: (wow, this top 5 is both diverse in terms of artists and immaculate in quality)

Happy Not Knowing by Carly Rae Jepsen (+117) (51 scrobbles) - Okay, so I’m pretty sure this is the point in which Happy Not Knowing began to gain on Too Much to eventually overthrow it as my most listened-to song.

Stay Over by Tove Lo (debut) (49 scrobbles) - I was and still am obsessed with this song.

Out Of Touch by Dove Cameron (debut) (41 scrobbles)

Crush by Tessa Violet (+1) (38 scrobbles)

Feeling of Falling by Cheat Codes feat. Kim Petras (debut) / I’m Fakin’ by Sabrina Carpenter (debut) (37 scrobbles)

January 2020:

I was in a trance between the middle of January and the middle of February. Music related things I remember: Listening to Selena Gomez’s singles and Halsey’s Manic in the beginning, being obsessed with Kesha’s new album High Road and Dua Lipa’s Physical at the end.

Top Artists:

Carly Rae Jepsen (=) (753 scrobbles, AKA around a whooping 37 hours, which is the highest scrobble rate since June and July lol)

Ke$ha (+10) (538 scrobbles, AKA 27 hours) - Her new album came out in the end of the month, I think she would have topped the chart if it was in the beginning lol

Halsey (debut) (291 scrobbles, AKA around 14.5 hours) - Her new album came out in the middle of the month. I enjoyed half of it, but that half was amazing.

Tove Lo (-3) (201 scrobbles, AKA around 10 hours)

Taylor Swift (=) (189 scrobbles) - I didn’t realise I listened to her that much lol

Top Albums:

Emotion by Carly Rae Jepsen (+2) (301 scrobbles, AKA around 15 hours) - Emotion and/or Dedicated almost constantly beating new albums every month will never fail to amuse me

Manic by Halsey (debut) (249 scrobbles, AKA around 12.5 hours)

Dedicated by Carly Rae Jepsen (-2) (214 scrobbles, AKA around 10.5 hours)

Animal by Kesha (debut) (128 scrobbles, AKA around 6.5 hours) - OOH, I remember that, I was relistening to Animal to get ready for High Road. A great album.

Emotion Side B by Carly Rae Jepsen (-1) (124 scrobbles, AKA around 12 hours)

Top Tracks: (This entire Top 5 outperforms every single song that has charted in the Top 5 yet, save for Caroline Polachek’s So Hot You’re Hurting My Feelings, which is only outperformed by the Top 2)

Talking Body by Tove Lo (debut) (a WHOOPING 89 scrobbles, which is very close to 6 hours. This has to be a record) - I discovered this song in the beginning of the month, and gods, it makes me feel so empowered and cool. It’s amazing.

Lay All Your Love On Me by ABBA (debut) (Again, a WHOOPING 65 scrobbles, which I think beats every single #1 on the Top Tracks chart yet save for Talking Body) - I discovered this masterpiece on the second day of the new year, and, I don’t know, this song is so fitting for the timeless period in January. I can’t describe it, but it’s amazing.

You Should Be Sad by Halsey (debut) (59 scrobbles) - Such a nice song, I love the MV too.

True Romance by Ashley Tisdale (debut) (58 scrobbles) - I discovered this song along with the top 2 on this chart and it’s amazing, I love it.

Cut To The Feeling by Elijah Mann (debut) (this CRJ cover is probably the best one I’ve heard yet. Amazing) / VIP by Kesha (debut) (54 scrobbles)

February 2020: The trance continues as I do the majority of the work on my thesis project in the last three weeks. As one does.

Top Artists:

Kesha (+1) (663 scrobbles, AKA around 33 hours) - Kesha joins Tessa Violet as the only artists who have managed to dethrone Carly on this chart. (Both of them were riding off the wave of their new albums which I adore)

Carly Rae Jepsen (-1) (564 scrobbles, AKA around 28 hours)

Marina & The Diamonds (+7) (256 scrobbles, AKA around 13 hours) - And so we enter the so called “Marina” period. When I discovered Marina in early 2019, I listened to her constantly from February to April, and then I slowly stopped listening to as much. I resonate most with her during these months.

Meghan Trainor (+2) (166 scrobbles, around 8 hours) - Meghan’s album came out on the 31st of January, along with Kesha’s, and, in a criminal offense to the entirety of the Internet, I am proud to announce I’m a casual Meghan fan. Don’t come at me.

Taylor Swift (=) (157 scrobbles, also third month in a row where she’s #5)

Top Albums:

High Road by Kesha (+6) (549 scrobbles, AKA around 27.5 hours) - High Road joins Melodrama and Bad Ideas as the only albums that have managed to dethrone CRJ’s Emotion and/or Dedicated on this chart. (With a gigantic lead, mind you)

Electra Heart by Marina & The Diamonds (+19) (143 scrobbles, AKA around 7 hours) - Aaaand Marina barely manages to outperform Emotion. Good for her!

Emotion by Carly Rae Jepsen (-2) (142 scrobbles, AKA around 7 hours)

Emotion Side B by Carly Rae Jepsen (+1) (115 scrobbles)

Dedicated by Carly Rae Jepsen (-2) / Treat Myself by Meghan Trainor (debut) (106 scrobbles) - THE WAY Meghan’s album could barely tie CRJ’s third highest album on the chart lol

Top Tracks: We have some insane numbers again due to my self-isolation to work on the thesis project.

Let’s Be Friends by Carly Rae Jepsen (debut) (76 scrobbles) - Y’all can obviously see what a new CRJ song can do to me lol

Physical by Dua Lipa (debut) (64 scrobbles) - It’s a bop with an incredible video!

Tonight by Kesha (+13) (61 scrobbles) - BITCH WE’RE GOING OUT TONIGHT

Kinky (feat. Ke$ha) by Kesha (debut) (58 scrobbles) - Dare I say, iconic.

BFF (feat. Wrabel) by Kesha (debut) (57 scrobbles)

March 2020: I attempt to get my life together and a global pandemic says “bitch you thought”

Top Artists:

Marina & The Diamonds (+2) (627 scrobbles, AKA around 31.5 hours) - Marina’s power over me during “Marina season” is unmatched

Carly Rae Jepsen (=) (477 scrobbles, AKA around 24 hours)

Lo Lo (debut) (222 sctobbles, AKA around 11 hours) - Lo Lo is an indie artist, whose music I discovered during March. She’s amazing, I DM’d her on Instagram to tell her so and she responded!

Dua Lipa (+6) (196 scrobbles, AKA almost 10 hours) - Her album “Future Nostalgia” came out at the end of the month. Amazing.

Conan Gray (debut) (175 scrobbles) - ALERT! ALERT! A MALE HAS APPEARED! The public is shocked. Anyways, his album Kid Krow also came out in the middle of the month - amazing.

Top Albums: (first time CRJ is kicked out of the top 3, and, hell, even the Top 4)

FROOT by Marina & The Diamonds (+8) (236 scrobbles, AKA around 12 hours) - That month, FROOT finally fully clicked for me. An amazing project.

Sweater Collection by Lo Lo (debut) (186 scrobbles, AKA around 9 hours)

Electra Heart by Marina & The Diamonds (-1) (167 scrobbles, AKA around 8.5 hours)

Future Nostalgia by Dua Lipa (debut) (157 scrobbles, AKA around 8 hours)

Emotion by Carly Rae Jepsen (-2) (150 scrobbles, AKA around 7.5 hours)

Top Tracks:

Convenient by Lo Lo (debut) (a WHOOPING 88 SCROBBLES, only 1 scrobbles below Tove Lo’s Talking Body, which currently holds the record of the most scrobbled track in a month) - This song is fucking amazing.

You & Jennifer by Bülow (debut) (I discovered this from one of Conan Gray’s vlogs, they are very relaxing to watch. Amazing) / Can’t Pin Me Down by Marina (65 scrobbles)

Solitaire by Marina (debut) (62 scrobbles) - I can’t believe I used to find this song boring before March.

Yours by Lo Lo (debut) ( (56 scrobbles)

Femmebot (feat. Dorian Electra and Mykki Blanco) by Charli XCX (debut) (50 scrobbles)

April 2020: Bored.

Top Artists:

Carly Rae Jepsen (+1) (212 scrobbles, AKA around 10.5 hours) - The Presiding Angel Of Pop returns to the top for the first time since January. As she should.

Marina & The Diamonds (-1) (194 scrobbles, almost 10 hours)

Kylie Minogue (debut) (176 scrobbles) - I really got into some of her singles, and I also listened to her album Fever. Sadly, it wasn’t good, so the majority of the scrobbles are from the singles.

Dua Lipa (=) (155 scrobbles)

Kesha (+3) (154 scrobbles)

Top Albums:

Future Nostalgia by Dua Lipa (+3) (141 scrobbles, AKA around 7 hours) - A great album, it was also my workout music.

Pure Heroine (Extended) by Lorde (debut) (110 scrobbles, AKA around 5.5 hours) - I discovered this album in April and, Lord (e), it really is as good as Melodrama.

Fever by Kylie Minogue (debut) (85 scrobbles)

Dedicated by Carly Rae Jepsen (+2) (69 scrobbles (ayyy))

Pang by Caroline Polachek (debut) (68 scrobbles) - I really got into some of the songs.

Top Tracks:

Fever by Kylie Minogue (debut) (52 scrobbles)

I Will Always Love You by Dolly Parton (debut) (50 scrobbles) - I discovered this song that month and Jesus, it’s so much better than Whitney’s version.

Levitating by Dua Lipa (debut) (41 scrobbles)

XS by Rina Sawayama (debut) ( (38 scrobbles)

Cool by Dua Lipa (debut) (35 scrobbles)

May 2020: Spring approaches.

Top Artists:

Rina Sawayama (+3) (184 scrobbles, AKA around 9 hours)

Charli XCX (+28) (165 scrobbles, AKA around 8 hours)

Carly Rae Jepsen (-2) (162 scrobbles, AKA around 8 hours)

Kesha (+1) (130 scrobbles, AKA around 6.5 hours)

Lorde (+1) (127 scrobbles, AKA around 6.5 hours)

Top Albums: (this is the first month in which Emotion and Emotion Side B are dropkicked into oblivion out of the Top 40 lol)

Sawayama by Rina Sawayama (+27) (182 scrobbles, AKA around 9 hours) - Okay, so, after having r/popheads scream at me indirectly and after getting obsessed with XS, I finally gave this a listen and, man, this is such a stellar record.

Dedicated by Carly Rae Jepsen (+2) (85 scrobbles, AKA around 4 hours) - I discovered Dedicated’s true calling as soundtrack while cooking. Amazing.

Pop 2 by Charli XCX (debut) (74 scrobbles) - You know, the irony here is that I dislike, like, 60% of the album. Like, these scrobbles are solely from Track 10, Backseat, Out Of My Head and Femmebot.

Pure Heroine (Extended) by Lorde (-2) (70 scrobbles) - Because it’s spring and we’re in a pandemic and I’m 19 and I’m on fire

WHEN WE ALL FALL ASLEEP, WHERE DO WE GO? by Billie Eilish (debut) (44 scrobbles) - I first listened to this album when it came out and I found it boring. Then, I participated in a rate on r/popheads which made me do a relisten, and this album is actually really solid!

Top Tracks:

Track 10 by Charli XCX (debut) (48 scrobbles) - I am not a Charli XCX fan. Like, I feel like a big part of her experimental tracks drop the ball. This, however? This is a masterpiece.

Queen Of Disaster by Lana Del Rey (debut) (42 scrobbles) - I heard this song from Tiktok lol. First unreleased song on the chart!

Bad Friend by Rina Sawayama (debut) (28 scrobbles) - I do not want to comment on the ways miss Sawayama brutally called me out in this song.

Dead Horse by Hayley Williams (debut) (27 scrobbles) - A bop.

XS by Rina Sawayama (-1) (25 scrobbles)

Some Observations:

Carly Rae Jepsen has spent 9 months on top of the Top Artists chart.

There has been a CRJ album in the Top 5 Albums every single month, with Dedicated only being kicked out in March, and Emotion in April and May.

The only Top Albums yet: Emotion (4 months), Dedicated (3 months), Melodrama (1 month), Bad Ideas (1 month), High Road (1 month), FROOT (1 month), Future Nostalgia (1 month), Sawayama (1 month)

The only male artists that have appeared on the chart are Conan Gray as #5 on the Top Artists chart in March and Elijah Mann on the Top Tracks chart in January as #5

The lowest place CRJ has been kicked to in the Top Artists chart is #3.

The lowest place CRJ has been kicked to in the Top Albums chart is #5.

The songs with the most scrobbles on the monthly Top Tracks Chart: (also, just noticed #1 and #2′s artists have Lo in their names lol)

Talking Body by Tove Lo

- 89 scrobbles in January (#1). That correlates to around 3 listens a day.

Convenient by Lo Lo

- 88 scrobbles in March (#1)

Let’s Be Friends by Carly Rae Jepsen

(#1) - 76 scrobbles in February

Lay All Your Love On Me by ABBA

(#2) - 65 scrobbles in January.

You & Jennifer by Bülow

and

Can’t Pin Me Down by Marina

- 65 scrobbles in March, tied for #2 in March

The only artists who have managed to briefly dethrone CRJ on the Top Artists chart: (The longest wait between CRJ’s #1s is two months: she didn’t have the top spot in February and March)

Tessa Violet (after the release of her new album and by 8 scrobbles)

Kesha (after the release of her new album, and with a healthy lead of 99 scrobbles)

Marina & The Diamonds (out of nowhere, and with the biggest gap yet, with 150 scrobbles)

Rina Sawayama (by 20 scrobbles) / Charli XCX (by 3 scrobbles lol)

This was fun, I might edit in some more observations later!

#me #words #last.fm

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