#me sobbing: THE STORY IS NEVER FINISHED. THERE IS ALWAYS MORE TO THE JOURNEY.

[imminent-danger-came]

It really is about MK wanting his story to be over and wanting his happily ever after yet having to reconcile that there is more than the end, that "it can't just be a journey to the end, it needs to mean something", and how, despite everything, he has to keep going to experience both the pain and joy of life, to keep his friends safe.

[holdmytesseract]

moodboard by @chennqingg <3

Through The Years

Jotun!King!Loki Laufeyson x fem!Æsir!Queen!Reader

Summary: This story takes you and Loki on a journey through the twins life. From their first steps all the way to their first time falling in love.

Warnings for this Chapter: fluff, insecurities, a bit of angst... Let me know if I missed something!

Word Count: 1k

a/n: I know this one is a very short chapter, sorry! 🥺 The next one's gonna be longer, I promise! Nevertheless, I absolutely love it. 🥰

This sequel is based on @eleniblue 's ideas. 😊

Tags: @lady-rose-moon @huntress-artemiss @muddyorbsblr @ijuststareatstuffhereok89 @chennqingg @smolvenger @alexakeyloveloki @theaudacitytowrite @jennyggggrrr @asgards-princess-of-mischief @eleniblue @vanilla-daydreaming @loz-3 @valencia-rou @mishkatelwarriorgoddess @fictive-sl0th @bunny24sstuff @iamlokisgloriouspurpose @lovingchoices14 @linaax @mochie85 @goblingirlsarah @glitchquake @lokidbadguy @icytrickster17 @gruftiela @lulubelle814 @mandywholock1980 @november-rayne @chantsdemarins @simping-for-marvel @lou12346789 @aagn360 @lokiforever @anukulee @multifandom-worlds (Continuing in the comments)

❄️ Chapter One ❄️ Chapter Three ❄️

Ice Flower AU Masterlist ❄ Loki Masterlist ❄ Masterlist

Chapter Two - Sharing the Same Blood

You were seated on the little sofa; barely started to read your book in order to take a breather from the stressful day. It was always stressful, when Loki was away on royal duty and you had to rule Jotunheim alone.

Suddenly, impatient knocks drummed against the door to the royal chambers. You closed your book shut again, and put it away. There were only two persons in the world who knocked like this. "Come in!" You called out, smiling at what was to come.

"Mommy!" The twins both yelled in union storming through the door. They ran over to you and jumped on the sofa to join you, each boy cuddling against your side. Váli on the left, Áki on the right. "Hey boys!" You welcomed them with open arms, of course, having seen them lastly early this morning. They had been with their tutor the whole day, learning about Jotunheim, the nine realms, how to behave as princes and so on.

You wrapped an arm around your sons and placed a kiss on each forehead. "How were your lessons today? I heard Arvid took you to the city?" You felt them nod. "Mhm," said Áki, while Váli revealed more. "He wanted to show us the market." "Oh, great. I love the market. Did you like it?" At your question, both boys went quiet, nobody answering your question. Their excitement gone. You frowned, noticing immediately that you obviously asked the wrong question. Something was clearly off. "You didn't like it, huh?" Both shrugged their shoulders. "Now what kind of answer is that? What happened? Was Arvid too strict?" "No, mommy, the market was great, but..." Váli started, not finishing his sentence, causing his twin brother to jump in. "But when we were allowed to go play, there was a boy, who, uh, who asked us if we truly are twins..." You frowned even more. Now that was strange. "Why?" "He said because me and Váli look different and not like brothers."

After those words you heard a small, soft sob coming from your left, which wrenched your heart. "He said I-I l-look strange." You immediately shook your head. Turning softly to face Váli, you brushed your hand through the thick, blonde curls on top of his head. "No, sweetheart. You don't look strange. You look like me - and I couldn't be prouder." Matching eyes looked up into yours, still clouded by tears. "But why do Áki and I look different? We are brothers - or not?"

That was the first time in eight years you - or Loki were faced with this question. Sure, they looked different from the day they were born, but the boys never questioned it, because it was normal. Everyone in the palace treated them equally, so they seemingly didn't have the need to ask. Until now. Until somebody would 'judge' them. And you knew that day would come. It was just a matter of time - and well... Today was the day.

"Of course, you are brothers," you started, placing a kiss on both princes foreheads. Luckily Váli's tears had subsided by now. "You two look different because of your heritage." "Our h-h... henri-age?" Asked Áki, clearly confused. You giggled at the pronunciation of the word. Clearly a word they weren't familiar with - yet. It was time for them to learn about it, though. "Yes, love. Heritage. It's a word to describe where you're coming from. Where your home is, and what the traditions, culture and so on are." They were looking at you expectantly and confused, but also very excited and intrigued. "Okay, let me explain. You know this is home, right? Jotunheim." Both, Váli and Áki nodded. "But you also know there are other realms. Midgard, for example." And once again, a nod. "Right. So... Jotunheim - realm of the Frost Giants. Like you know, they are tall, have cerulean skin, beautiful ruby eyes and unique ridges on their skin. It's your daddy's home. He is a Jotun; born and raised here." "I look like daddy!" Áki giggled excitedly. You smiled, "You do." booping his nose. "But I don't look like your dad, right? Jotunheim isn't my heritage. I was born and raised in Asgard, like your uncle Thor. I'm an Æsir. Fair skin, mostly blonde hair and very beautiful." Váli frowned; the gears in his head turning. "Is that why I look like you, mommy?" You nodded at him; running once again your hand through his hair. "Yes, that's right. You two are the perfect, wonderful product of the love your father and I share. Nature just decided to make you look different and unique."

The twins looked up at you, stunned. "Wow..." Váli and Áki gasped in union, causing you to smile at their sugar-sweet reaction. They were so pure and innocent - and you enjoyed it while it lasted. "But... Uh, mommy?" "Yes, Áki?" "How did you meet daddy? Arvid said that the realms are far apart and not that easy to reach..." You smiled, immediately recalling the memories of yours and Loki's first encounter, back when you were younger. "Let's sit in front of the fire place; make ourselves comfortable. I'm going to tell you a story..." That was exactly what you did; telling them how you met the love of your life.

"And that's how I met your father." You finished telling the love story of you and Loki your eight-year-old twins. The boys were sitting on the fur, criss-crossed in front of you and the fireplace with wide eyes, hanging on your every word. Of course, you told the story more 'romantically' and left out the juicy, dirty and 'dangerous' details. They weren't meant for children's ears. "Wow..." Váli gasped. "So you are actually a warrior, mommy?" Asked Áki. You chuckled, running your hands through both boy's curls. "If you wish to call it that, yes." "Is that why daddy fell in love with you?" You had to suppress a giggle at your son's sweet, innocent question. "Perhaps, sweetheart, but I'm afraid you have to ask your father."

[derekscorner]

Reloaded Rambling: Persona 3

Broken Fulfillment

I finished Persona 3 Reloaded last night and ever since I've been torn between rambling about it and sobbing because the ending never fails to wound me.

I'm not exaggerating for narrative emphasis nor am I joking, I cried. I am a grown man and I cried just as much last night as I did when I beat Persona 3 Fes in the late 2000s to early 2010s.

I can not express in words to you just how much the ending hurts me nor can I express how much I love it. That's why I am broken but find fulfillment...which is as on point with the death theme as anything else.

I even delayed finishing the game because I could feel the emotions and tears welling up as soon as the final month started. I even took a moment to note how ironic it was that the color palette literally grows gray throughout the month.

As 'The Fall' draws near and apathy syndrome grows the very world itself begins to white out yet I feel the story the strongest as it does.

Every interaction with Aigis is emotional pain because I knew what was coming. As she grew as a person, understood love, and found a reason in life I knew that she was about to have that ripped from her.

It wasn't just her either. P3 already had a lot of little moments in the final month as the cast finds their resolve and as you finish what social links you've started, everyone is finding a resolution, they're preparing for a battle they believe they may not win.

In fact, Reload improved on this more with it's link episodes. Everyone playing in the park, Ken's silly combat and coffee practice, the movies with Koromaru, Akihiko and Yukari, everything.

Several of these mini stories wrap up toward the end and it's only when you know about P3's ending that you realize why.

Constant Improvement

I'd even argue that Persona 3 is one of the few stories to properly be remade in recent years. They only added small things to make the story better, updated gameplay, and just overall refined the package.

That's the kind of treatment a remake should be given rather than the laziness you see in movies today or the bait & switch SE pulled with FF7.

And it was only upon typing this that I realized that P3 has had this treatment from the start. P3 Fes only ever expanded the original hit game. Even though many fans didn't like 'The Answer' they at least loved everything added to the Journey.

P3 was then made a classic for a third time with P3 Portable. The PSP limited some things but it is loved for it's female MC and the story changes.

Persona 3 has always been given a positive treatment each time it's tackled and it's so rare.

That cycles back into Reload. We fans had to beg and complain for years but they tackled the remake with every bit of love that you could've hoped for.

The only things they did to earn ere was not including 'The Answer' or the FeMC and as of the time I type this 'The Answer' will at least be added as DLC.

I don't intend to downplay the feelings of those who strongly desired the FeMC either, I am playing through P3P so I get it, I just want to point out that having so few complaints about a remake is so rare.

I went on this whole side tangent to emphasize how impressed I was with the things added. The episodes, a few scenes, it made the feelings that P3Fes gives me just as potent years later.

I'm an indifferent man, I rarely feel emotion let alone genuinely show it, but for years one thing that always broke me was P3's story. To see it remade so well meant a lot to me.

Memento Mori

When I first played P3 I was actually looking for P4. A friend on a KH forum had suggested it as a fan but I couldn't find it on sale. P4 was at the height of its popularity so I couldn't find it at all.

Instead, I found P3 and bought it. My friend was a bit annoyed and said P4 was better but I played it anyway and by God it broke me.

At that time I had a depression problem. I have had one since 8th grade at that point in my life so P3's theme of death resonated with my core.

I had no spoilers for this story then, I thought we were defying fate like any other RPG and looking back I should've expected something. People died often in P3, even main cast, and the story put time into seeing the cast process that.

The single dungeon of the game is Tartarus but no, nothing clipped for me till that final scene.

That final scene caused a whirlwind of emotion to hit me because I could sense something was wrong and your MC only gets weaker as Aigis affirms her feelings and goal in life and the music doesn't stop.

Just when the other SEES remember and rush to find you they arrive only to find you gone. That.Fucking.Broke.Me.

The credits then has the audacity to play an upbeat song as the credits roll. That was it, you died and the entire game clicked in my brain.

The entire game just hits me all at once. The MC's persona is Orpheus, you literally climb through Tartarus towards Nyx, death itself, and you do not come out of it unscathed.

The characters each dealt with death and found a reason to keep living while Aigis found humanity, in those tears I understood that the games message.

Death is not avoidable, even for your MC. His miracle came at a cost, his ultimate persona is the Messiah for a reason but that's not what truly important.

It's the journey to that ending. The MC helped everyone he had a bond with find a reason to live, the games story is a positive one not a sad one.

I felt my brain rewire that day, aside from truly depressing events in my life, I have never truly been depressed again. Not permanently.

Even if I live a life like a hermit I'll never just give up on everything because this story broke me and rewired how I see things.

More importantly for this post, my initial breakdown of emotion always resurfaces when I play P3. I find myself attached to Aigis in particular due to her specific journey and her role in 'The Answer'.

So when I say this remake only added to the positive I meant it. (you probably thought I forgot about that and went on a seperate tangent didn't you~)

Every little scene new or expanded they put in this game makes it stronger. I did not want January to end but I was already a few days in and the game was breaking me.

Koromaru's new linked stories, Shinji, and Aigis in particular were wonderfully done. Everything just ties together in a way that I can't explain to you in a singular post.

These things I've stated not only apply to added content but old as well. A complaint you'll see at times is how some Persona social links seem to contradict the casts main story progression or how some are weaker than others.

Persona 3, any version of Persona 3, does not have that issue. Whether you personally like them all my vary but they are all remarkably consistent with the Death theme, the theme of finding new direction or meaning in life, or they're harmless at worst.

A key part of the reason why is because the Fool & Judgement Social Links are tied to main story progression. The whole reason linked episodes were added was because the main SEES cast have character growth alongside those two arcana as the story progresses.

In P3Fes or P3Portable you could have friend/romance with some SEES based on MC chosen but their actual growth as a character is tied to the story. They grow with you.

And what you do learn on those friend/romance links doesn't contradict with that main story progression. You won't have a situation like in P5 where Ryugi feels like two different people between his personal social link and the main story.

No game is flawless mind you, all I mean to say is that P3 meshes better with it's links and main story. All those lives you help along the way just hit harder during the finale for it.

You can feel like it meant something.

I can't wait for 'The Answer'

I have no decent transition here nor am I sure I conveyed my feelings/meaning as well as I had hoped above. So before these P3 images and OST make me cry again I'll talk about 'The Answer'.

If nothing else, I do hope I have explained how important the main story is to me and I hope that it makes sense to you that I do not consider P3 complete without this story addition.

It had issues in P3Fes, there is no way around that, but given how well they handled this remake I hope they can give 'The Answer' that same love.

Because it's very important to Aigis as a character as well as to the overall themes of life & death. If you have not seen the scenes of The Answer or played P3Fes yourself you may want to skip from here on out btw.

You still there? Good because I need anyone reading to understand that 'The Answer' is key. It's key because it's about grief.

Many of the main cast had to deal with loss and grief in the main story so people find their relapse odd here but you have to remember that no one death is the same. You do not just become okay with important people dying.

You can always fall back on your sadness and that's what happens here. Aigis literally loses the will to live and becomes more machine like, Yukari quite frankly becomes bitchy, and the overall crew is somber.

They thought they had won, your MC lived till graduation. They had their best and worst times with him and he died for reasons that they do not understand.

'The Answer' is quite literally that answer. They learn why he died, Aigis finds her own answer to life, and I wish I could elaborate more but I'm torn between telling you and just hoping you play it.

It's an epilogue and one that I feel P3 needs to have to feel right. It makes your MC's sacrifice feel more worth while to know the cast will use his memory to live better rather than fall back into grief.

It does my soul better to know that Aigis won't give up on life.

I'm spent

There's more I could've said but I'm quite frankly to emotional to add more. I struggled to even be coherent with this and I'm not sure I was.

I consider this the best Persona game yet and I'll always love 3 more than the others. I simply didn't feel attached to the scooby doo gang from P4 and I'm too old to care about the teen rebellion in P5...plus their mascot characters literally agitate me.

I hope you play this game or already have and I hope you're willing to give 'The Answer' a shot. Bye now~

[thenanamisimp]

Danmei and MXTX novels

Would you look at that, another post that's not about anime? WILD. It is about MXTX novels though so the hyperfixations continue. I'm actually in the process of planning a very lengthy analysis of all three of her series but this is a warning, don't expect too much. I was never good at those in school plus it's been almost 7 years since I've last written something like that but I feel so passionate about her works that I really wanna try to share what I thought about the novels. Nevertheless, this isn't actually those analysis posts since those are gonna be separate and will probably be written after I re-read each series. However, since I'm actually finally fully done reading all her series - including the extra side chapters - I wanted to quickly share some of my opinions and how I feel after finishing all 18 of the books.

This goes without saying but just in case - SPOILER WARNING for Heaven Official's Blessing, The grandmaster of demonic cultivation and The scum villain's self saving system novels.

First off, if you haven't read any of MXTX's work before, prepare for trauma and tragedy. Most of her characters are either deeply traumatised already or in the process of. I will always encourage people to read content warnings before reading her books.

Starting off with my favourite - TGCF or Tian Guan Ci Fu (aka Heaven Official's Blessing). This story means a lot to me. I got introduced to TGCF through the donghua before I even knew it was queer fiction and even with censorship, the closet is made of fucking GLASS so I had to look for the source material. Honestly it took me a while to commit to reading the whole series as I've been struggling to pick up books for years now but TGCF actually got me back into reading (I think in total it took me about 8 days to read all 8 volumes). More than just the story telling being good, I got so incredibly attached to every single character (except Jun Wu, he can eat shit - tho the fact I'm even saying this speaks volumes about how well MXTX can write characters. It takes a lot for me to hate a character this much).

Taking place in a beautiful fantasy world, we follow Xie Lian and Hua Cheng through tragic traumatic past and present and we learn of the horrible truths about the lives of immortal beings. We also see two idiots in love take their sweet ass time to confess. I love me a good slow burn full of longing and pining. I eat that shit UP every time and MXTX gave it to me with every single one of her series.

TGCF for me was a journey full of kicking my feet at fluff, second hand embarrassment (because xl I stg, what do you MEAN you were taught how to resist the advances of women but not how to resist hot men you gay lil shit the closet is made of glass) and honestly, lots of crying. The hundred stabs incident, ruoye's creation and hcg's last death made me sob and scream (no exaggeration, I was stomping around my room, crying and yelling GIVE HIM BACK RIGHT NOW).

Also, in a not so unpopular opinion (I think?), Pei Ming is my fave because 1) he's the no.1 Hualian shipper - check the whole Mt Tunglu adventure for proof and also 2) he's just a lil slut with a big heart. I could seriously talk about him forever because I went from hating him after he tried to throw the blame for the Banyue Pass incident on Xie Lian, to loving him after I realised that everything he does, he does because he is truly just a kind man who loves a good fight. He's so silly! Just a lil guy! Go Pei Ming go!

Fuck you Jun Wu. Again. (I hate him just as much as I hate Mahito. Maybe a little less. I really hate Mahito).

Moving on to my second favourite (but honestly it's such a close one), MDZS or Mo Dao Zu Shi (The grandmaster of demonic cultivation). Take a wild guess about how I got introduced to it... Fandom of course, because very few people talk about TGCF online without mentioning MDZS so I just had to give it a chance.

The great grandmaster of demonic cultivation has been dead for a while but when he gets gifted a new body through a not so well known demonic ritual, he runs into an old acquaintance. We learn about Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji's past and current world of cultivation and hear stories about messy betrayals and conspiracies. Aaaand we find out about some more trauma and tragedy because is it really an MXTX novel without it?

And talk about a rollercoaster because (and please don't hate me for this) I found Wei Wuxian annoying initially.... But it's okay now because I kin him so go figure. Tho I actually kin only his adult self, I was a very introverted and rule abiding teenager, a lil more like Lan Wangji. In any case, wwx is the same stupid chaotic bisexual that I am and he is babygurl. Yeah and what if he murdered 3000 people? It was self defense. THEY ATTACKED FIRST. Your honour, he did nothing wrong and he does not deserve to be punished!

On a serious note, MDZS explores so many themes that are personally important to me, my favourite being the power dynamics of the world. It’s truly moving that even with all the pain Wei Wuxian went through, how far in his cultivation and how powerful he got, he still couldn't protect those he loved (until Lan Wangji of course because Wangxian is perfect together and they always protect and defend each other. Wangxian my beloved). While it might be a stretch for some, it really reminded me of how powerless we are in the world. People aim to educate themselves and go on to do whatever they can to better the world in their own way and yet, it really feels like nothing’s improving sometimes. I could talk about this for hours but maybe I’ll leave that for another time and another analysis post since this is supposed to be a shorter one (lmao)

Last but not least, RZFZX or Ren Zha Fanpai Zijiu Xitong (honestly this one I use the english name for because I can’t pronounce the chinese as much as I try - The scum villain's self saving system or Svsss). This one I actually kinda struggled with - first of all because WHY BUGS MXTX. Not much bothers me in fiction but BUGS? Too far. Heads with spider legs? Raw flesh with maggots? Blood mites? I was out (for about half an hour and then I kept reading). Please note that it's not the raw flesh that bothered me, it was the fucking maggots. I can read about graphic murder, creepy hauntings, torture and many more but as soon as there are bugs? Nope! I’m done. People have phobias and that’s mine I guess. Enough ranting about bugs!

The story follows Shen Qingqiu, the scum villain of the hit web novel Proud Immortal Demon's Way (or PIDW for short, as it's referred to in Svsss) who is actually one of the original readers - and haters - of PIDW, who transmigrates into the book in order to fix the plot holes left by the original author. With his guide “the system” he does his best to lead the male lead of PIDW, Luo Binghe, down a better path than in the original story.

Svsss employs a comedic way of storytelling, with our protagonist being omniscient, it allows for the narration to be sarcastic and poke fun at a lot of moments that are cliche or badly written, as interpreted by sqq. Honestly, this is just a personal preference but I favour the more serious storytelling way of MDZS and TGCF (give me hurt until the very end when the main characters get together and then give me comfort).

To me, Svsss is a lot harder to analyse as a lot of its themes are unfamiliar to me, especially considering I’m the furthest from having any sort of humanitarian education (I have 2 engineering degrees). Using a story within a story, MXTX is able to deliver two main overarching themes; one about abuse and its results through Luo Binghe as well as one about the relationship of author and their readers, the feeling of being trapped by the readers' opinions and wanting your story to be liked through Shang Qinghua (to be honest, I hadn’t really picked up on this one until I saw discussion about this in the fandom).

If I'm being completely honest, I don't think I grasped this series as well as the other ones and I'm finding it hard to digest lbg and sqq's relationship. I'm unsure as to what it is that's holding me back from loving them as much as Hualian and Wangxian. I do tend to prefer tropes like theirs more than the whole "had to convince him to date me" thing which is what Bingqiu's relationship seemed like to me up until the end of volume 3. It’s also why I'm glad I actually followed through and finished the extras in volume 4 (I was really tempted to stop reading once I finished volume 3 not gonna lie). I believe those to be integral to understanding sqq's feelings towards lbh and while I understand that sqq did actually love lbh from the beginning (denial is a river in egypt and the gloset is made of glass - what the fuck is with MXTX's bottoms and the damn glass closet), I struggled to see the tipping point of where he actually understood his own feelings and what was going on in his head and that he was actually in love with lbh. Which is why I think to really understand Svsss, I would seriously need to reread it.

I also would love to eventually talk about queerness in MXTX's work because in each book, sexuality and queerness is explored and examined in so many different ways. As a queer person myself, it fascinates me as I can relate to so much of it. To be honest, I think I could write a short thesis on just this.

Honestly, while I'm very passionate about my favourite pieces of media (if you've heard me talk about any of my top 5 anime you'll understand what I mean), there hasn't been a lot of things outside JJK and MXTX's novels that have made me wanna dive deep into analysing every single detail. It genuinely makes me feel like I'm gonna implode sometimes. These 3 series have seriously reignited my love for reading. I was shown that a good book - in my opinion of course - doesn't need to avoid difficult topics. It simply needs to use them well as a means of delivering a message and a story, rather than them being included just to be included. They also reminded me that I love queer fiction and I need to read more.

I actually would really like to read Erha (or 2ha or The husky and his white cat shizun) but I've read the content warnings and I'm ~~apprehensive~~. While not a lot of things bother me, I'm not sure I want to read about that stuff (please look at the content warnings of this book, or any piece of media in that matter, especially if you have topics that easily bother or trigger you). Remember, it's our responsibility as readers/consumers to look out for ourselves first!

Please recommend any good danmei (other than MXTX) and possibly include links where they can be read! I would also highly appreciate recommendations for some good wlw fantasy fiction as I really would love to read some wlw novels - or even anime/movies/webtoons/manga. Just in desperate need of quality wlw content.

Also while I said I'd keep it short, it seems I ended up writing over 2000 words…

PS. I proofread this about 5 times and during one of them my file crashed, so if there's any mistakes or if I’m not making sense somewhere, blame my deep-fried brain, thanks

Thanks for reading my novel ramble! Enjoy reading :)

theNanamiSimp

[sebstanaddict]

Love Song

Sebastian Stan x Female Reader Story

Chapter 24 - Back For Good

Summary : A romantic comedy story between Sebastian Stan and female reader where we witness their journey after they said I do.

The unthinkable seemed to have happened to Sebastian and reader is absolutely devastated. Will he survive or will he leave her for good?

Pairings : Sebastian Stan x Female!Reader

Chapters : 24/24

Chapter List >

Warning : angst, traffic accident, description of injuries, references to death, fluff

Word count : 10.3k

This is a sequel to my first Sebastian fic Always You. If you want to understand more about Sebastian's and reader's relationship, please read it first. But it's not necessary to understand this story. Check it out here.

---

Whatever I said, whatever I did

I didn't mean it

I just want you back for good

(Want you back, want you back, want you back for good)

Whenever I'm wrong, just tell me the song

And I'll sing it

You'll be right and understood

(Want you back, want you back)

I want you back for good (want you back for good)

And we'll be together, this time is forever (forever, girl)

We'll be fighting and forever we will be

So complete in our love

We will never be uncovered again

I guess that now it's time she came back for good..

Back For Good - Take That

---

Soho, Manhattan, New York - July 18th 2023 - 5 pm 

The sound of sirens broke through the hustle bustle sound of Manhattan traffic as an ambulance weaved its way through the crowded Manhattan street, trying to get to a scene of an accident about a mile away. 

A man was lying on the ground on the side of the street, unconscious. A gash on his right eyebrow, bruises all over his arms and his left leg laid on a weird angle. A woman had her face and right hand on top of his chest while her other hand held a baby. She was sobbing and shaking his body in an effort to wake him up.

"Seb.. wake up.. please.. Seb, don't go! Please!" Her agonizing cries broke the hearts of everyone around them.

The scene of the accident had attracted people around them. Some genuinely wanted to help while most were just curious. But the fact that the victim was a celebrity turned the scene of the accident into something like a movie premiere. People whipped out their cellphones and took pictures and videos of them. Some, mostly girls, cried their hearts out as they saw who the victim was. 

"It's Sebastian Stan.." 

"Sebastian Stan? The Winter Soldier? Oh no!"

"It's.. Sebastian everyone…Sebastian Stan.." 

Among the chaos a man knelt by the woman's side and held her shoulder. She lifted her head up and turned to him with tears streaming down her face.

"I'm sorry, ma'am. Do you mind if I help check his condition?" The man who was apparently the one who had hit on Sebastian asked.

"Please go ahead." She sniffled.

The man nodded and placed his fingers on the base of Sebastian's neck.

"I can feel a pulse." He said then he placed his ear above Sebastian's nose. "He's still breathing."

An immense relief washed over Y/n as she heard the man. Sebastian was still alive! 

"The ambulance is on its way. I already called them. Please don't worry and stay calm." The man said, giving her an encouraging smile.

"Th.. thank you." She said.

A woman with long blonde hair broke among the crowd and knelt next to her.

"Y/n.. I'm sorry. Nothing was going on between us, I swear!" Stephanie said, placing her hand on her shoulder gently. But she shrugged her off, forcing her to drop her hand.

"Just.. just go Stephanie. I.. I can't deal with you right now." She turned her head away from Stephanie and placed her palm on Sebastian's cheek, caressing it gently.

Stephanie nodded and stood up then stood several feet away.

Just then two policemen came. They asked her several questions and she answered them to the best of her ability. The ambulance showed up just as they were finished asking her questions.

"Excuse me, ma'am." A first responder came and knelt next to her. He checked Sebastian's condition and asked her several questions. 

Not long after that more first responders came and she watched as Sebastian was carefully lifted onto a gurney and then brought into the back of the ambulance.

"Can I come? Please?!" She begged just before the door of the ambulance was closed.

"We're really sorry ma'am. But since you're with a baby it would be more comfortable for you and your baby to use a different vehicle. Don't worry, he's in good hands." The first responder smiled.

She didn't have a choice but to obey. As soon as the door of the ambulance was closed she ran back towards the taxi she hired with people still taking videos and pictures of her, but she didn't care about them. She just nodded when one of them wished Sebastian a speedy recovery.  

The taxi driver was thankfully waiting for her. So she went inside the taxi with her heart beating so fast in her chest, praying to God all the way to the hospital to save her husband's life.

The taxi took her to Mount Sinai Beth Israel hospital located about a mile away. As soon as she arrived at the hospital she ran inside and went to the ER. She managed to catch a glimpse of him being pushed into the ER. She wanted to go in too but the nurses wouldn't let her. So she was forced to stay in the waiting room.

She sat right across from the ER with Starlene on her lap who was oblivious to what was going on around her. But then Starlene started to snuggle on her chest, wanting to nurse. She realized she would need someone to help care for Starlene because she wanted to focus on Sebastian. So she called Sebastian's mother. She was shocked when she heard what happened and told her she would come immediately.

While waiting for his mother to come she made a bottle of baby formula for Starlene which she thankfully drank without protest. Then she waited.

Her mind and heart were still in turmoil as images of Sebastian's unconscious face haunted her. She stared at the door of the ER, her eyes going after each alphabet that spelled the words 'Emergency Room' in an effort to calm herself.

If only she had let him come inside the taxi, he wouldn't have been hit. If only she had stopped and allowed him to explain the situation, he wouldn't have gotten a broken leg. If only she had followed him back to New York a couple of days ago, he wouldn't.. Her mind stopped listing the 'if onlys' as she finally gave in to the fresh wave of sadness and tears started to stream down her face. 

I'm sorry, Seb, I'm sorry. She thought. Hoping that he could somehow telepathically hear her from behind the ER door.

"Y/n.." a gentle female voice greeted her. 

She sniffled and wiped the tears from her eyes only to find Stephanie standing in front of her, looking down at her in concern.

"Mind if I sit?" She asked slowly.

She felt an immense hatred towards her and wanted to just shout at her, blaming her for everything that had happened and ask her to leave her alone. But, as angry as she was, she was not that kind of person. She just nodded in response, gritting her teeth.

"I.. I'm really really sorry for what happened." Stephanie said after she sat next to her.

"Yeah. Thanks." She said, her face still looked towards the ER door, avoiding Stephanie's gaze.

"Would you please allow me to explain what happened?" She asked slowly.

She just nodded. 

Stephanie explained everything to her and she felt relieved that there really was nothing that went on between them. But she knew still needed to cross check with Sebastian to make sure what Stephanie was telling her was true. She didn't trust Stephanie. 

"I'm.. I'm sorry again Y/n for what happened." Stephanie said at the end of her story.

She took a deep breath and let it go then finally turned to look at her. Stephanie looked back at her, apprehension in her eyes.

"It's.. it's okay, Stephanie. This was all just a giant misunderstanding. I forgive you." She said.

"Thank you. That.. that means a lot. Sebastian was right for choosing you. You both deserve each other." She smiled.

"Th.. thanks." She said, a little surprised at her comment.

"Take good care of him. He deserves the world." Stephanie continued.

"I will." She said, her voice shook a little.

A handsome man in his fifties suddenly appeared next to them. She recognized him as Jake, Sebastian's therapist. So, Stephanie's story must have been true. She thought.

"Y/n.. I heard what happened to Sebastian. I'm so sorry." Jake said as he sat on her side and gave her a hug.

"Thanks, Jake." She said, releasing herself from him.

"How is he?" Jake asked.

"I don't know. He's still in the ER. It seems he has a broken leg." She explained.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I hope he'll get better soon." Jake said.

"Thank you. I hope so too." She replied.

Jake and Stephanie ended up accompanying her until Sebastian's mother came an hour later. She looked so tough and brave for someone whose son just got hit by a car. Then she realized she must have tried very hard not to break down so she could help her take care of Starlene. She admired her strength. She felt like she was on the verge of breaking down again. But she tried hard not to, for everybody's sake.

Jake and Stephanie went home not long after his mother came, leaving her with his mother and Starlene. She was explaining what happened to his mother when the door to the ER was opened and a doctor came out. The doctor approached her and she stood up immediately.

"Mrs.Stan?" The doctor who was a female doctor greeted her.

"Yes, that's me. How is he?" She asked, her heart rate increased as she waited for whatever news the doctor was going to give her.

"Your husband has a closed fractured left fibula and tibia, basically he broke both of the bones in his left leg. He also has a fissure on his right radius, the bone of his right lower arm. There's also a gash on his right eyebrow and he seems to have suffered from mild concussion." The doctor explained.

"Mild concussion? Oh no! He already had two concussions in the past two months." She said in concern.

"Well, that could be a problem. In that case we will monitor him more closely. For now I need your permission to get him into surgery to fix his leg. We need to put a metal rod and screws on the broken bones so that they can heal correctly. That's our top priority right now." The doctor said.

"Okay. You have my permission, doctor." She nodded.

"Very well. We would really appreciate it if you could go to the reception area to deal with the administration while we prepare him for surgery." The doctor continued.

"Oh yes, of course. But, is it possible for me to see him right now?" She asked.

"I'm sorry, ma'am. We can't let you see him until after the surgery." The doctor said in regret.

"Oh, okay." She said, her face fell. "But he's going to be okay, right?"

"We'll try our best to help him ma'am. But we need some more time to assess the effects of the concussion. We did a scan of his brain and didn't find anything of concern. No bleeding or swelling or any signs of other trauma. But it's best that we have a look at his general constitution after the surgery." The doctor replied.

She didn't know how else to respond to the concerning information so she just nodded. Her knees felt weak and the doctor finally left just when her knees almost gave way. She slumped on the chair, feeling weak all over as she digested the information of his injuries.

She felt she was spiraling down into the abyss as her heart went on turmoil. Suddenly she felt a warm hand touching her shoulder.

"Y/n.. dear.. it's all going to be alright. He's a fighter. He'll get through this." Sebastian's mother's gentle voice soothed her.

She turned to look at her and couldn't help but shed a tear.

"I.. I'm sorry Mrs.Frank. This is all my fault." She said, her lower lip trembled as tears started to fall from her eyes.

"Oh my dear, it's not your fault. It's nobody's fault. This is fate. We just have to accept it. No need to blame anyone." She said as she continued to rub her arms gently.

All the emotions she felt ever since the accident happened that she had tried to bottle up inside finally came to the surface and she cried hard, prompting Starlene to start crying too. 

"Oh dear, dear. It's okay. He's going to be okay. Everything is going to be okay." His mother continued to soothe her while rocking Starlene gently in her arms.

Eventually her cries and Starlene's cries subsided. She realized she couldn't be like this for too long. She needed to be strong. For Starlene, his mother, the unborn child in her womb and for her own sake. So she took a deep breath and after making sure her face was free from all the tears from her cries, she went to the reception area to take care of the administrative things. Leaving his mother and Starlene to wait in front of the ER. 

She came back just in time as Sebastian was wheeled out. The bottom half of his body was covered with a blanket so she didn't know the condition of his leg. He was still unconscious but the gash on his eyebrow seemed to have been stitched. The doctor explained that he had woken up earlier complaining of being in pain. Which was not a surprise given the severity of his injuries. They gave him pain medication and sedatives and that was what was causing him to be unconscious.

She was only given a moment to hold his hand before he was wheeled away from her towards the operating room. They followed him towards the operating room but of course were not allowed in. She whispered a last “I love you” to him before they wheeled him through the door and he was out of their sight. With a deep sigh she turned around and looked for a place where she would be able to wait until the surgery was done. She found several benches in front of the operating room where they could sit and wait, so they sat there.

The doctor said the surgery could take up to two hours. There was nothing else to do but wait. Starlene had started to become cranky so his mother offered to take her to the room Sebastian was going to stay in after the surgery and try to get her to sleep. It was around 8 at night anyway when it was time for her to sleep. She chose to wait in front of the operating room in case anything should happen.

The next two hours felt like the longest hours of her life. Multiple times she imagined the doctor coming out of the operating room bringing some kind of bad news. A complication, his condition worsening and of course the worst possibility of all, that he didn't survive the surgery. She knew she was being stupid. Surgery for a broken leg wasn't supposed to be life threatening. But she figured she might as well get herself ready for the worst. Although, come to think of it, she didn't think she could really handle losing him for good.

No matter how angry she was at him, and no matter how hard it was for her to accept that his life wasn't like the lives of other normal people being the A list Hollywood star that he was, he was still first and foremost, the love of her life. He was still the same Sebastian she fell in love with twenty two years ago. He was still her husband and the father of her children. There was no way that she could ever be separated from him. Divorce was out of the question. Whatever happens in the future she just wanted to be with him. 

She regretted being so angry at him and wished she could have turned back time to the time when she heard about the writer's strike and could keep her cool. She realized how much Sebastian loved her despite the fact that he didn't prioritize her and Starlene. It wasn't like he didn't try. But going down the rabbit hole of regretting what happened wasn't going to help. Her mind slowly accepted the situation at hand and she started to think about what she would do after the surgery.

As soon as he woke up from surgery she needed to apologize to him immediately. Then of course she would need to break the news to him about the new baby coming into their lives. She was still wearing the T-shirt she bought, and she had the framed pregnancy tests in her handbag. She could just show him and he would understand.

Thoughts of seeing his bright smile after he found out that they were going to have a baby again kept her sane throughout the rest of the wait. She decided to contact his friends, his manager, her father and stepmother as well as Shannon. Asking for their prayers for him.

His father and stepmother promised to come visit them as soon as possible. They promised to try and book a ticket for New York that night. Some of his friends who lived in New York promised to come visit as soon as they could. Edward told her he would come in a few hours, Chad too. Emma, his manager, was in LA but promised to come as soon as she could. Shannon sent her love and prayers and promised to come as soon as she could.

After she finished contacting them all, she leaned back on the chair and sighed. Her hand caressed her lower stomach, remembering a new little bean that was growing in her belly.

"Little bean, I can't wait for your father to know of your existence. He's going to be really ecstatic." She smiled.

---

In order to pass the time and calm her down more, she decided to do some meditation. She had been doing it for about thirty minutes when the sound of doors opening startled her. She opened her eyes and saw a doctor and a nurse came out from the operating room. 

"Mrs.Stan?" The doctor approached her.

"Yes." She immediately stood up with her heart pounding hard in her chest.

"The surgery has been successful. We were able to reposition the bones in his leg and fix them with metal rods and screws. They are aligned perfectly in the post surgery x-rays. There was no complication, but it wasn’t easy. When both bones are broken within the same limb it feels like balancing chopsticks until the metal finally secures the position of the bones. But no worries, everything went smoothly. He is in the observation room and he will need to stay there for about an hour. When he's stable, we'll transfer him to his room." The doctor explained.

"Oh thank God. Thank you so much, doctor!" She said as she felt like a heaviness in her heart had been lifted.

"You're welcome Mrs.Stan." the doctor smiled.

"How long will it take for him to wake up?" She asked.

"Well, within the next five hours he will gradually wake up. But he will be drowsy and most likely delirious as the effects of the anesthesia slowly dissipate. Don't be surprised if he says weird things. It's normal for people who just had general anesthesia. He will spend most of his time sleeping. Expect him to wake up fully and have a clear mind after twenty four hours."

"Oh, I see. Anything else I need to know, doctor?" She asked.

"Well, we have put a cast on his left leg as well as his right lower arm. They need to stay until his bones are fully healed. The arm will be healed within a few weeks, as it was only a small fissure. We can change him from a cast to a wrist brace as soon as possible, so he can use crutches. That will give him a lot of freedom back. In the meantime he will need a wheelchair. He will need a lot of assistance managing daily activities for the next months." The doctor replied.

"I see. What about the concussion, doctor?" She asked.

"Mild concussions will usually heal on their own. But we'll keep monitoring him closely given his history of experiencing mild concussion twice in the past two months. We will be able to make a more proper assessment on the condition of his brain after he recovers from this surgery."

"Very well, doctor. Can I see him now?" She asked.

"I'm sorry, ma'am, but you're not allowed to be in the observation room. Please kindly wait until he's been transferred to his room to see him."

"Oh alright." She nodded. She was disappointed about it but she didn't have a choice.

"Well, if you don't have any more questions, would you please excuse me." The doctor said.

"Of course, doctor. Thank you so much." She said.

"You're welcome, Mrs.Stan." the doctor smiled then left.

He was okay, he survived! She thought in relief. Well, aside from the broken leg and arm, he was generally okay. There would be some rough weeks ahead as he went through the recovery process, but right now the only thing that mattered was that he was alive and would make a full recovery. She decided to go to his room to tell his mother the good news and check on Starlene.

An hour after the surgery was over Sebastian was finally brought out of the observation room and transferred to his room where his family was waiting.

Starlene was asleep on a sofa with Sebastian's mother sitting next to her, guarding her while Y/n was sitting on a chair near them when the door was opened and Sebastian was wheeled in.

She turned her head around to look anxiously for him. Relief and concern washed over her when she saw his sleeping form on the hospital bed. The nurse that wheeled him in smiled at her, but her eyes were fixed only on him.

His skin was paler than usual, the gash on his eyebrow had been cleaned and stitched. She could see a small see-through plaster covering it. His left leg was outside of the blanket, propped up on something like a big pillow to help reduce the swelling. The white cast that was covering it from right above the knee all the way down to his toes was very present, making his leg appear double the size as usual. She knew he was alright, but it looked scary nevertheless. His right arm was outside of the blanket as well and she could see a cast covering his arm from elbow down to his hand. Thankfully his fingers were free so he was able to at least grab some stuff with the hand. He was right-handed and would need the arm back as soon as possible. They had placed it on top of his stomach in a recovery position. All in all he looked battered and bruised, but he was alive, that was the most important thing.

The nurse settled his bed in the middle of the room and explained everything that she needed to know. She showed her the panic button as well as reminding her to not be surprised if he was drowsy and confused. She also told her that they could call her or a doctor at any time in case he was suffering from pain.

Once the nurse had left the room she took a seat next to the bed and held his left hand while his mother held his other hand. She rubbed circles with her thumb around his hand as she gazed at his face. She was glad that he was generally okay. She made a promise to herself that from that day on, no matter what obstacle they face, she would stay by his side and try her hardest to work through it. As long as they still loved each other, she would be with him through everything.

---

Mount Sinai Beth Israel Hospital - July 18th 2023 - 11 pm

Sebastian saw flashes of images in his mind, but they were blurry. He knew he was looking at people but he couldn't make out their faces. He heard voices, a cry, a laugh, someone shouting, someone singing. Then something huge and red stood in front of him. Gradually the image became clearer and he saw a large round head with two big bulging eyes, a large orange nose and a big mouth turned up into a smile. Elmo.. he realized he was looking at Elmo. He looked down on his body and saw himself covered in red fur. He realized he was looking at the mirror. He looked back to the mirror and blinked. 

When he opened his eyes again he found himself lying on a bed. He felt weird, like flying, as if gravity was different. He didn't feel anything else.

He looked around and saw a woman, sitting next to him, her eyes looking at him full of love and concern. Who was she? He pondered. Most importantly, who was he? Was he.. Elmo? 

"Seb.. hi.. how are you feeling?" The woman greeted him.

Seb? Who was that? It couldn't be him. He was Elmo. He saw himself in the mirror.

"My name is Elmo." He said slowly, his voice hoarse.

The woman's jaw dropped and her eyes widened as she heard what he just said. Then she smiled and chuckled.

"Okay, Elmo. How are you feeling?" She asked as she reached out and touched his hand. 

Her hand was warm and soft on his. He liked the feeling of it. And she was so beautiful too. He felt himself blushing. Was she.. was she Abby? He pondered. Abby was his girlfriend. But.. Abby was pink. This woman was not.

"Are you Abby?" He asked and the woman let out a laugh again. Her laughter was beautiful. He never heard someone laughed with a beautiful melody like her.

"Yes, I'm Abby." She finally said after her laughter subsided.

"So, Elmo. How are you feeling?" She continued to ask while still holding his hand.

"Like flying. And.. I like your hand." He said.

"What?!" The woman exclaimed out loud and laughed again.

"Why? Why do you like my hand?" She asked as she gazed at him with a twinkle in her eyes.

"Because.. because it's warm. And smooth. And soft. I just like it. And.. I like you, Abby." He said as he felt warmth crawling from his neck up to his cheek.

"Aaawww.. I like you too, Elmo." Abby smiled.

As much as he wanted to keep talking to Abby, he felt sleepy and his eyes were heavy. He couldn't hold it anymore so he finally closed his eyes and drifted off to the land of dreams.

---

Mount Sinai Beth Israel Hospital - July 19th 2023 - 1 am

Fight, fight, fight. He needed to fight his way out of the mafia's headquarters. They were surrounded by mafioso, him and Nat, the love of his life. But they were both trained assassins so it shouldn't be hard for them to beat all those mafia thugs. But he underestimated their power and he found himself lying down on the ground after being attacked by the thugs. His leg hurt, his arm hurt and his head hurt. He looked up to see the love of his life looking down at him in concern.

"Bucky.. stay with me.. please." She begged. But as much as he tried, he couldn't fight the upcoming wave of darkness and he closed his eyes.

When he opened them again he found himself lying on a hospital bed. He looked around and found Nat, the love of his life, sitting on a chair next to him, smiling at him. Her palm was on his cheek. So they must have succeeded in getting out of the mafia headquarters.

"Hi.. how are you feeling?" Nat asked.

"I just feel a little pain on my left leg." He replied. He looked down and saw the cast that had covered his leg. D***n! Somehow those mafia had succeeded in breaking his leg.

"Oh, okay. I'll let the doctor know. The pain killer's effects are probably starting to wane." She said.

"No, it's okay. Stay with me, Nat. I miss you." He said. Nat's jaw dropped as she heard him.

"Nat?" She asked in confusion.

"Yes, Natasha Romanoff. The love of my life." He smiled.

Nat laughed as realization seemed to hit her.

"Well.. if I'm Nat, who are you?" She asked.

"Nat, what are you talking about?" He asked in confusion.

"Tell me, what is your name?" Nat asked teasingly.

"I'm.. I'm James Buchanan Barnes." He said and she laughed out loud, confusing him even more. But then her face turned into concern and her mind seemed to be thinking about something seriously.

She reached out and pressed a button next to the bed. A moment later a nurse came into the room. Nat stood up and pulled the nurse away from him. She stopped near the door of the room and turned her back on him as she started to talk with the nurse. He could see her nodding as she listened to the nurse. After a while the nurse left and she went back to sit next to him.

"Anything wrong?" He asked.

"Oh nothing. I was asking why you could already feel pain again and they said they will give you a bit more pain killer to deal with the pain." She explained.

"Hmm..okay." He yawned all of a sudden. "I'm sleepy."

"Go back to sleep, Bucky. I'll be here waiting. Don't worry." Nat said and she smiled at him as she patted his hand gently.

"Okay." He replied and he finally closed his eyes, drifting off to the land of dreams again.

---

Mount Sinai Beth Israel Hospital - July 19th 2023 - 2 am

Everything was dark. There was no light. There was no sound. He seemed to be in a dark void. He tried to open his eyes but all he could see was darkness. He closed his eyes again and when he opened it, he found himself lying on a hospital bed. He looked around and found a woman, gazing at him curiously. She smiled at him and he felt his heart skip a beat.

Who was this woman? He pondered. She was the most beautiful woman he ever saw. She seemed familiar but he couldn't place her.

"Hi.. how are you feeling?" The woman asked. Her voice was so gentle, beautiful and melodic. He never heard someone with such a beautiful voice. He was sure he could spend hours just listening to this woman talk.

"Hi.. you're so beautiful." He said and the woman blushed.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to be so straightforward like that. I.. I'm not usually like this in front of strangers." He said and he could feel himself blush too.

"Hmm.. what is your name?" The woman asked, her eyebrows furrowed.

"I.. " he searched and searched for his name but he couldn't remember.

"I can't remember my name." He said, his face fell and the woman's face was too.

"What is yours?" He asked.

"I'm Y/n and your name is Sebastian." She replied.

"Oh, that's such a pretty name. I like it. Y/n that is.. not Sebastian." He said.

She laughed. "Yeah, thanks. I like Sebastian too. It's a good name."

"Thanks. So, what happened to me?" He asked.

"You were hit by a car." She replied.

"Ouch. That must have hurt a lot." 

"I'm sure it did." She said in amusement.

He looked down and found his left leg covered in a cast. He looked at his right lower arm and found it covered in a cast too. He sighed.

"I broke my leg and my arm? Great." He said.

"You did. The doctors had to perform surgery on your leg. They put a metal rod and screws on your bone so it could heal correctly." She explained.

"Ah okay. So I have metal inside me now?" 

"Yes, you do." She smiled and he felt butterflies flying around in his stomach.

What was happening to him? He didn't remember ever feeling this way towards anyone before. He studied her and took note of her hair. Her hair was long and flowing behind her back, he wondered what it would feel like to bury his face on her hair. Then he gazed at her beautiful eyes. Her eyes were so pretty, he felt like he could gaze at them forever. Her nose looked so cute and her lips? Pink and moist, making him think things he shouldn't think about a stranger. She was sitting rather close to him too that he could smell a sweet smell coming from her and it felt intoxicating to him.

He felt himself blushed again as his mind continued to think forbidden thoughts about her and he averted his eyes.

Suddenly he could feel a warm and soft hand touching his hand. He looked up and realized she was touching his hand.

"I miss you." She said, her eyes looked a little sad.

"Wait.. but.. why? I mean. We don't know each other, do we?" He asked, his eyebrows furrowed.

"We do actually. We're married." She smiled.

"Whaaaat?!" His jaw dropped in surprise and the woman laughed again.

"You're my wife?!" He exclaimed in surprise.

"Mmhmm.. " she nodded as she leaned closer to him, making his heart beat so fast in his chest.

She placed one hand on the side of his face and leaned even closer to him. She paused as she hovered above his face. He could feel her breath on his lips. He could see the love and longing in the depth of her eyes. His heart felt like it was going to explode as their lips went inch by inch closer to each other. He closed his eyes and her lips finally touched his. 

The sensation of her lips on his was like nothing he ever felt before. Their lips continued to meld into each other and it felt perfect. It was like her lips were made for him to kiss. Everything clicked and he knew that she was telling the truth. She was his wife! He felt like he was the luckiest man in the world!

She broke the kiss after a while but he pulled her back and they continued to kiss like there was no tomorrow. He felt like he could kiss her forever. Eventually he started to feel out of breath so he broke the kiss. 

She leaned her forehead on his and placed both of her hands on the sides of his face. It felt so perfect and natural for him. He didn't want it to end.

"I... I think I'm in love with you." He whispered and she chuckled.

"I think I'm in love with you too, Sebastian Stan." She smiled and gave him another peck on his lips, making his heart soar in his chest. Then she leaned back and sat on the chair next to bed but her hand stayed on his.

"So, if you're my wife how come I don't remember you?" He asked sadly.

"You're still having the side effects of the general anesthesia. You just had surgery about 5 hours ago. You should remember me soon." She smiled again and he felt the butterflies in his stomach again.

"Oh okay. Can you tell me more about myself? About my family?" He asked.

"Sure." She smiled. "So, your name is Sebastian Stan. And you're from Romania."

"Romania? Isn't that where vampires are from? I mean.. Transylvania is in Romania, right?" He asked and she laughed.

"Yeah, you're right." 

"Waaaiittt.. I'm not a vampire am I?" 

She laughed so loud until tears started to fall from her eyes. He didn't know what was so funny. It was a genuine question.

"Umm.. yes, you're a vampire. Your real name is Count Vladimir and you're disguising yourself as a normal human by the name of Sebastian Stan." She said after she finally stopped laughing.

"You're joking, right?" He said.

"Well. What do you think?" She asked with a twinkle in her eyes.

"I think you're joking." He said and she laughed again. 

He loved seeing her laugh and that was what he got for the next couple of minutes as she continued to tell him things about himself and his family. He deliberately said silly things in response to her answers just to hear her laugh again. 

Eventually he started to feel tired and sleepy. He yawned and stretched his left arm. He started to feel kind of stiff.

"You're tired aren't you, Iubirea mea?" She asked.

"Hmm.. Iubirea what?" He asked.

"Iubirea mea.. means my love in Romanian. It's something I came up with to call you when we first started dating." She smiled as she rubbed circles with her thumb on his hand.

"Oh.. that's so sweet. What do I call you usually?"

"Sweetheart.. or honey."

"Oh, that's great. I love that." He said but then he yawned again.

"Go back to sleep Iubirea mea, you need all the rest you can get. I'll be here when you wake up." She winked.

"Okay, sweetheart." He nodded, making her smile again. Then he closed his eyes with the beautiful face of his smiling wife etched behind his eyes.

---

Mount Sinai Beth Israel Hospital - July 19th 2023 - 3 am

His heart dropped to his stomach as he saw her standing by the door with their baby in her arms. He immediately released his hug to the woman in front of him and shouted. "Y/n!"

Tears streamed down her face as she continued to look at him. Then she turned around and quickly left him, just as quick as she had arrived.

Suddenly he found himself running on a street chasing a taxi which was moving fast in front of him.

"Y/n! Please, stop!" He shouted but the taxi kept on going. No! He couldn't lose her! He needed to get to her and explain everything!

One moment he was running and the next he felt a great pain on his left leg, then he felt his body bumped onto something hard and he was thrown to the ground. Everything went black.

He opened his eyes and found himself lying on a bed. He looked around and saw an IV pole next to the bed with the IV connected to his left arm. Then he saw a cast on his left leg and a cast on his right lower arm. Great! He had broken both, his leg and his arm.

Then he suddenly remembered the dream he just had. He remembered that he was chasing his wife and it was very important for him to reach her and explain everything to her. She thought he was cheating on him while that wasn't the truth at all! His heartbeat increased, panic rose in his chest when he realized that he needed to get out of here. He needed to find Y/n and explain everything to her.

He tried to sit up but couldn't as he felt a wave of pain shot through his body. He felt a burning sensation and throbbing mostly from his left leg. A frustrated grunt left his mouth when he tried once again to sit up and get out of the hospital bed. 

"Seb?" A gentle female voice called out. The owner appeared next to him and she reached out her hand to touch his, but he jerked his hand back. He didn't want his wife to be angry at him for holding hands with another woman.

The woman's face showed hurt for a second after he pulled his hand away, but it quickly turned into a loving look mixed with concern.

"How are you feeling?" She asked.

"I need to get out of here ma'am. Please help me get out of here." He begged.

"What?!" The woman looked utterly confused.

"Please! I need to get out and find my wife! I screwed up so so bad. I need to find her and tell her I didn't cheat on her. I need to tell her that I love her and that she's the only one for me! I.. I don't want to lose her! I don't know if I can live without her! Please, please help me find her!" He continued to beg.

The woman's eyes widened but then she smiled and if his eyes weren't playing tricks on him, it seemed her eyes had started to water.

"You want me to help you find your wife?" She asked and he nodded.

"What's her name? Do you remember?"

"Y/n.. her name is Y/n." He replied and tears started to fall from her eyes.

"I know this may sound weird to you but.. I'm Y/n.. And I'm your wife." She said slowly.

"Wh.. what?! That doesn't make any sense. I should remember my own wife." He protested. His eyes widened, full of shock and confusion.

"I know. I think this is the effect of the general anesthetic you were on." She replied. 

She continued to let him know about the surgery and the effects the general anesthetic had given him, how it might make him temporarily lose parts of his memory.

"So.. you're Y/n? My wife?" He asked slowly after she was done telling him the whole story.

"Yes, yes I am." She nodded.

"I.. I'm sorry, Y/n.. for everything." He said and he reached his hand out to hers.

"I.. I'm sorry too, Seb. I really am." She replied, squeezing his hand as tears started to fall from her eyes.

She let go of his hand then leaned closer to him and embraced him in her arms. Finally, he felt like everything was alright with the world.

---

Mount Sinai Beth Israel Hospital - July 19th 2023 - 7 am

Sebastian opened his eyes slowly and squinted. The early morning sunshine had broken through the window on his right and the sunlight had fallen on his eyes. 

His whole body felt in pain, but especially his left leg and right lower arm. He tried to raise his right arm slowly to shield his eyes from the light but felt that it was heavy, painful and different. He looked down and saw a cast covering his right lower arm. Apparently he had broken his arm. Great! He thought in annoyance.

His gaze turned to the left and he saw the cast on his left leg. He sighed. He had broken his arm and his leg?! He was so lucky. He thought cynically.

He raised his left hand and was relieved to find that he could do it with no problem. It felt a little painful as he saw some bruises there, but it was still somewhat manageable. He slowly put his hand over his eyes and squinted.

There was someone lying down on a sofa right by the window. It wasn't clear to him who it was at first but then slowly he realized it was his wife! Y/n! She was there!

He studied her for a while as he often did. He loved watching her sleep. Whatever problems he was facing just watching her sleep made all the problems go away. And in that moment, staring at her made all the pain seemed to go away.

She looked so beautiful, peaceful and ethereal with the soft morning light showering her figure. She looked like an angel.

As he continued to stare at her, memories of what happened came to him little by little. He remembered chasing her after she caught him hugging Stephanie. He remembered the agonizing feeling in his chest as he watched the taxi she was in drove away from him. Then he remembered the pain he felt when he was hit by that car. The last thing he remembered was saying I love you to her. 

He felt immense relief to know that she came back for him. She still loved him. That was the most important thing.

He continued to look at her, drinking in her beautiful face. Suddenly she stirred and her eyes opened ever so slowly.

She blinked several times and her eyes caught his. She smiled at him as she noticed his gaze on her. Then she stood up and walked closer towards him while brushing her hair with her fingers.

God, she was so beautiful. He felt like the luckiest man on earth.

She stopped by the bed and reached out to touch his left hand.

"Good morning." She smiled.

"Good morning my love." He replied, smiling back at her. Her eyes widened as she heard him and she smiled even wider.

"Do you know who you are?" She asked slowly.

"Huh? Why are you asking me this, honey? Of course I know who I am." He protested.

"Well, I just have to make sure. Who are you? Do you remember your name?" She asked again.

"My name is Noah Calhoun and I'm in love with you, Allie." He teased.

She laughed out loud at his answer but then stopped.

"Are you being serious or?" She asked again.

"Oh honey, of course I'm joking." He said, confused on why it seemed she couldn't distinguish if he was joking.

"Okay, then tell me your real name." She insisted.

"Alright, fine." He realized that she was probably just checking on his condition considering what he had gone through.

"My name is Sebastian Stan. I was born on August 13th 1982 in Constanta, Romania. I'm married to Y/F/N Y/L/N Stan and I have a daughter whose name is Nasya Starlene Stan." He said. His answer brought a huge smile on her face and he couldn't help but smiled back.

Speaking of Starlene he looked around and wondered where she was.

"Honey, where's Starlene?" He asked.

"Oh, your mom took her back home last night after your surgery was over. They'll come visit again later today." She replied.

"Oh okay." He nodded, glad Starlene was okay and was even with his mother.

"By the way, welcome back, Iubirea mea. How are you feeling?" She asked as she placed one hand on his cheek and gazed at him with so much love in her eyes.

"Thank you, honey. My whole body hurts like I just got hit by a car." He grimaced and she laughed but then her expression turned into concern.

"Do you want me to get the doctor for you? Maybe we should ask them to give you more painkillers." She suggested.

"Yeah, maybe later, sweetheart. Right now I just want you to stay with me. I'm just so happy to see you here with me. I.. I thought I had lost you forever." He said, his voice shook a little.

"Oh, Seb.. I.. I'm sorry." She said as she dropped her hand and intertwined her fingers with his.

"Oh honey, I'm the one who should say I'm sorry. I.. I screwed up, I really did. I.. I should have tried harder in prioritizing you. You.. are.. my life.. my only love. I should try harder to show it to you." He picked her hand up closer to his lips and kissed it gently.

"Iubirea me.. I should apologize too. I.. umm.. have prepared a little something for you. I hope you'll listen to what I have to say." She said as she put both her hands on his and held it tight.

He nodded and she took a deep breath.

"Iubirea mea, my darling husband, I'm sorry for everything that I've said and done. I'm sorry if I was so angry at you and was being selfish. Please know that I appreciate everything that you have done for me, for Starlene and for my family. Even if I didn't show it. I know how much you love me but my stupid self was too blind and stubborn to see it. 

I guess, sometimes we need to be apart to understand just how much we truly love each other. 

My bounty is as boundless as the sea,

My love as deep; the more I give to thee,

The more I have, for both are infinite."

His eyes widened as he listened to her. She was quoting The Notebook and Shakespeare!

"Who was I to question a love that rode on shooting stars and roared like crashing waves? For that is what it was between us then and that is what it is today.

I love you for many things, especially your passions, for they have always been those things which are most beautiful in life.

Kindness, that's what I see when I look at you now, that's what everyone sees. Kindness. You are the most forgiving and peaceful man I know. God is with you, He must be, for you are the closest thing to an angel that I've ever met."

His heart melted as he heard her continue to quote The Notebook, and he felt like his chest was going to explode as he gazed at her eyes, which were full of love and adoration for him.

"Know that I love you, that I always will, and that no matter what happens, know I have led the greatest life possible. My life with you.

Our life together is not gonna be easy. It's going to be really hard; we're gonna have to work at this everyday, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, everyday. You and me...everyday."

Her voice shook a little and she blinked several times as she tried to hold back the tears that seemed to be coming. 

He squeezed her hand gently, encouraging her to continue.

"You are the greatest thing that has ever happened to me, Iubirea mea.

We're meant to be together. We always have been.

I'll never leave you. What we have is forever.

I love you deeply, my husband. You are, and always have been, my dream."

She finally said and with those last words that were once said by Allie to Noah, he reached out his hand behind her neck and pulled her closer to him and kissed her. He kissed her like he had never kissed anyone before. A kiss filled with so much love, passion and longing. A kiss with so much admiration and gratitude. 

"I love you too, my beautiful wife.. so so much." He broke their kiss and whispered. 

They rested their foreheads on one another as the soft morning light continued to shower on them and the sun became a witness to a true love that was reunited, a true love that had withstood so many challenges and came out stronger on the other side.

He would have been satisfied just staying in that position with her forever, but he couldn't withstand the pain he was feeling, especially around his left leg. His eyebrows furrowed in pain.

"Iubirea mea, are you hurt?" She asked in concern as she leaned back and placed her palm gently on his cheek.

"Oh yeah.. my left leg hurts like hell. I'm sorry that I ruined the moment." He frowned.

"Oh it's okay, Iubirea mea. I'm going to go and get the doctor, okay?" She said, dropping her hand from his cheek. He could only nod as he continued to feel throbbing pain on his leg.

He looked up to the ceiling and tried to focus on his breathing. He remembered the hypnotherapy exercise he did with Y/n for helping her deal with childbirth and he thought it could be useful for him as well.

It turned out that it was quite useful. By the time the doctor came he could already withstand the pain even if it wasn't gone completely. However, the doctor attached a bottle of painkillers to his IV to bring him some quick relief. Additionally the doctor gave him painkiller pills and told him that he could take one every four hours or if the pain became too much for him to handle. 

"Thank you, doctor." He said after the doctor told him about the painkillers.

"You're welcome, Mr.Stan." the doctor said.

"By the way, doctor, could you tell me how long my recovery will last?" He asked. He didn't know how long a broken bone takes to heal but he was hoping he would be healed by the time Thunderbolts started filming again, which Jake Schreier the director said could start as early as September.

"Well Mr.Stan, a broken bone typically needs six to eight weeks to heal. But as you have broken both bones in your leg and we needed to perform surgery on it, it will take more time. The metal rod inside will help stabilize everything, but it will still need around four to six months until you can fully use the leg again. We also need to get the metal rod out before you can head back into any physical exercises like jogging." The doctor explained.

"What?!" His jaw dropped in surprise.

Oh no, four months from now would be November. Looks like he was going to miss the start of the shooting for Thunderbolts. He was going to cause a significant delay in production! What if Marvel decided to kick him out and replace him with someone else? He couldn't live with himself if that was the case.

He closed his eyes in defeat and rubbed the bridge of his nose with his left index finger and thumb.

"I'm sorry Mr.Stan to be the bearer of bad news. But don't worry, your leg will make a full recovery and with a lot of physical therapy you will be able to use it like before." The doctor said, smiling at him.

"It's okay, doctor. Thank you for your answers." He opened his eyes and gave the doctor a pained smile.

"You're welcome Mr.Stan. Now I want to assess your condition in relation to the mild concussion you suffered. I'm going to ask you some questions." The doctor said.

"Okay." He nodded.

The doctor then continued to ask him a series of questions, questions familiar to him as he had suffered the same thing twice. After that the doctor grabbed a small flashing light and flashed it into each of Sebastian’s eyes, checking how his pupils reacted to the light. 

"Well Mr.Stan, at the moment I don't see you getting worse from the effects of the concussion." The doctor said after he was done asking him questions and checking his pupils.

"But just in case.. Mrs.Stan?" the doctor turned to Y/n.

"Yes, doctor?" She responded.

"In order to make sure the concussion doesn't develop into something more serious, I need your help in monitoring your husband. For the next three days, every two hours ask him basic questions. Let me know if you find him unable to answer them so we can make a more proper diagnosis." The doctor said.

She nodded. "Of course doctor. We've done the same thing previously."

"Good. Then you understand the importance of it." 

"Yes" She nodded.

"Alright, is there anything else you would like to ask me Mr.Stan, Mrs.Stan?"

"No, thank you doctor. That would be all." Sebastian replied.

"Well if there's nothing else, would you please excuse me." The doctor said and they both nodded.

The doctor then excused himself, leaving him and Y/n alone.

"Iubirea mea, I'm sorry that the recovery will take so long." She said, reaching out to touch his hand.

'It's okay, honey. I just have to accept it. Although I am feeling rather depressed because I'm probably going to miss the start of the shooting for Thunderbolts. And I'm also rather worried that Marvel might end up replacing me." He sighed.

"Oh Iubirea mea, I don't think that's going to happen. No one else can play Bucky better than you. And you have so many fans that are going to protest if you're replaced. I mean, Bucky is one of the most popular Avengers. I'm sure Marvel wouldn't dare to replace you." She said, patting his hand in encouragement.

"Yeah, I hope so." He said, still with a frown on his face.

"Hey, I know what's going to make you happy and forget about this." She smiled.

"Oh, what is it honey?" He asked curiously.

She didn't answer right away but instead she unbuttoned her cardigan slowly while looking at him mischievously.

"Honey.. what are you doing? I know it's been a while since we had sex but we can't possibly do it right here right now!" He said, his eyes widened but he couldn't help swallowing hard as he stared at her chest, which was still covered by a shirt but he could already imagine what it looked like without the shirt.

"Seeeb! You have such a dirty mind." She chuckled as she finally finished taking off her cardigan. She put the cardigan away then she faced him. She pulled the hem of her shirt down and smiled wide.

He didn't know what she was trying to do but he couldn't help but look back on her chest and that's when he read it.

"I'm gonna be a mom again"

His eyes widened and his jaw dropped as he digested the words written on her chest.

"Honey?! Really? You're pregnant?" He asked excitedly.

She nodded and he felt his heart soared at the sight of her. She was pregnant! He was going to be a dad again!

"Oh my God! I.. I can't believe it!" He exclaimed excitedly.

"You better believe it, Iubirea mea." She smiled as she let go of his hand and went away to retrieve something from her handbag.

She pulled out something like a frame from inside her handbag. She showed him the object and he smiled wide as he realized what it was. Two positive pregnancy tests were put inside the frame. 

"Oh sweetheart, you have no idea how happy I am right now." He said as he picked the framed pregnancy tests and stared at it with wide eyes.

"I'm so glad that you're happy about this." She smiled.

"See little bean? I told you your dad was gonna be ecstatic knowing that you exist." She said as she rubbed her lower stomach gently.

"Hey little bean. Daddy is so happy to know you're in there." He said as he put the pregnancy tests away and placed his left hand on top of her hand, right on her lower stomach.

She put her other hand on top of his and they stared at each other with wide smiles, happy and content in the knowledge that their love had withstood every obstacle imaginable and that a new life form existed as a real proof of the strength of their love.

"So, is this why you came without telling me?" He asked as something clicked in his mind.

"Uh huh. I wanted to surprise you, Iubirea mea." She smiled.

"Well, surprised me you did." He chuckled as he caressed her lower stomach gently.

"I think I did more than just surprise you." She frowned and her eyes started to water.

"Oh honey, it's okay. I'm okay, you're okay, we're all okay." He said as he squeezed her hand tight.

"But you broke your leg and your arm. You have no idea how scared I was looking at you lying on the street like that. Then when you became unconscious, I thought I had lost you forever." She started to cry.

"Oh honey, please don't cry. I'm alive! I'm here, alive and I love you." He said as he pulled her closer to him. He raised his hand and wiped the tears from her eyes.

"I.. I'm sorry for being so emotional, Iubirea mea. And I'm sorry that I was so emotional back in Poway." She said, sighing.

"It's okay, sweetheart. My mom told me that you might be a little traumatic because all the men you were involved in prioritized something or someone else above you, including me." He said in regret. 

"And I'm really sorry for making you feel that way, sweetheart. I will try my best to prioritize you and Starlene in the future. I promise." He continued as he stroked her cheek gently with his thumb, giving her a look full of love and adoration.

"Thank you Iubirea mea. Your mom may be right, but I guess the little bean was also making me overly emotional. I feel the mood swings I have now are worse compared to when I was pregnant with Starlene." She complained.

"Oh well, every pregnancy is different I guess." He responded.

"Yeah, with this one I don't feel nausea at all. At least not now."

"Oh that's good. By the way, how far along are you?"

"I have no idea, maybe ten weeks?"

"Oh, you haven't gotten yourself checked by a gynecologist?" 

"No, I wanted to go with you. I want you to be involved from the very beginning, Iubirea mea. You were robbed of the opportunity to watch Starlene grow back then. I don't want that to happen again."

"That's so sweet, honey." He smiled. "Well, as soon as I'm well enough we can go and see a gynecologist."

"Yes, I thought so too." She smiled.

"I've missed you so much, sweetheart." He said, gazing at her with so much longing in his eyes.

"Could you come up here? I want to hold you in my arms." He said, pulling her closer to him.

"But I could hurt you." She said, shaking her head.

"Sweetheart, I don't care. I just want to hold you in my arms. Come up here, lie down with me. Please. I need you." He pleaded.

"Oh okay, but if you feel any pain at all, let me know okay?" She said.

"Of course." He nodded even though deep in his heart he wasn't planning on letting her know if he felt any pain. Nothing could beat the pain he felt when he thought he had lost her forever. Physical pain didn't compare at all to a broken heart. He thought. Right now he just needed to hold her in his arms and make sure they were never going to be separated again.

Slowly she climbed onto the hospital bed next to his left side, careful to avoid touching his broken leg. He raised his left arm up so she could snuggle under his arm. She placed her body gently so that she didn't put any weight on him except his chest and she put her arms around him. Was it comfortable? No. But she was laying in his arms again and that was all that mattered. Once her head was on his chest he placed his left arm around her shoulder and sighed. It felt good to have her in his arms again.

Despite being in a place that no one would consider their home, he felt he was finally home again. No matter where they were, as long as he had her in his arms, he was home.

He leaned down and kissed the top of her head gently.

"I love you deeply, sweetheart, my beautiful wife." He whispered gently.

"I love you deeply too, Iubirea mea, my darling husband." She looked up and smiled at him.

She leaned closer to him and kissed his lips gently, making butterflies flew around in his stomach.

From that moment on he knew that no matter what happened in their lives she was always going to be the love of his life. They really were meant to be together no matter what the superstitions say. And he knew, that even though he himself once didn't believe it, love.. is enough.

Epilogue >

Taglist : @sebsgirl71479 @dhoruwolfie

[stardustedstories]

I finished the main story of the G.oWR DLC, and I had some FEELINGS. Since it's still pretty new, spoilers below the cut!

The fact that Kratos got to confront his younger self, to say ALL of the things he's been thinking about himself for literal centuries, to put that self-loathing into the open where he could see it, could acknowledge it, and could realize that he's more than that made me literally sob. I was crying so hard I had to go rewatch the cutscene later because I had FEELINGS.

But then to see him go from "there is no forgiving you. You chose!" back around to seeing that, yes, he chose options that were sometimes terrible, but there was so much more beneath those choices. He became Ares' servant to save himself, yes, but to also save his men, to save his wife and child, to save Sparta itself. It was a choice he made that had far-reaching consequences, and had he NOT made it, the barbarians certainly would have overrun Sparta and killed many more themselves.

And he asks "Should I, this same man, should I sit? Take? Proclaim? Lead? Place myself in service?" before he pauses, to consider the words he just said. Because he was "in service" to the gods for so long, and the gods did not do anything for him that they said they would. Even after he became a god himself, he still had the nightmares that Zeus promised he would take from him after he defeated Ares. He knows what it's like to be "in service."

But he takes those same words and turns them around. Because there was a power imbalance in his relationship with the gods previously. But now he has the chance to serve, to help others. He is still a god of war, yes, because that is the title that is presented to him, but he is so much more than that.

"You are cruel, arrogant, and selfish. But you are more than that. You have always been more than what others saw. You are more than that." The way Ch.ristopher J.udge delivered these lines made me sob. Because like I said earlier, this is K.ratos realizing that he is more, and allowing himself to finally see that, to see himself in a better light. It brings it back around to "we can choose to be better," and this is another step on his journey to that.

Fuck the Norns' "you seek a redemption you can never earn;" Kratos has been earning his redemption for a thousand years, and it's finally coming full circle, and I could not have asked for a better DLC.

[what-gs-watching]

“It all looked so simple in Jane Austen.”

So after I finished Good Omens (and sobbed, and got deep into fanfic, and sobbed some more, and then immediately started it over, and over)  I harassed my sister into watching both seasons, she’s on maternity leave and was looking for something. I made her text me along her journey and I was sooo excited for her to get to the end, I was literally tracking her and squealing about it to my husband.

Gang. After she watched the finale, she just said “I never got a romantic vibe from them….”

Like. I can’t. I literally said “c’mon that’s not real” but she doubled down. I understand we’re different people and we watch things differently but jesus. It was extremely disappointing. This is why she always wanted to unsubscribe from What G’s Watching, clearly. 

But we’re gonna shake it off, and talk about it. Season 2 episode 6. And how absolutely fucking crushing it is. Thank god for the internet. 

Right. So Aziraphale starts enacting his own plan while Shax tries to be menacing outside, setting up his portal to heaven. It looks good on baby boy, not going to lie, guardian of the Eastern gate comes out, it’s that ‘little bit of a bastard’ we’ve been looking for all season.

Up in heaven Crowley gives a rousing speech about bees to convince Muriel to take him to her office,  and then changes his getup after they call him a “murder hornet, or a snake…” Bravo to whoever designed this outfit, the tracksuit and the little sandals and his painted nails. He’s hippity hoppity Crowley and it’s so endearing. 

Muriel is fairly upset when they realize they’re helping a demon but they produce Gabriel’s file anyway because they can’t open it, so why not; “you need to be a throne or dominion or above.” But Crowley can. And I know there are a ton of theories out there about why he can, but my favorite likens Crowley to an engineer (he did create the stars, afterall) that’s been fired by a lazy startup who never changes their API keys. Of course, that’s not as salacious as the thought that he was an important angel before he fell, but it’s my favorite thought. I love engineers. 

Come to find out that Gabriel had decided that he didn’t want to do Armageddon 2: Electric Boogaloo, refusing to use his powers as Supreme Archangel, and the rest of the crew were none too happy about it. Saraquel shows up while they’re watching the scene unfold, and again Crowley doesn’t remember someone he supposedly worked closely with (more implications, but I can’t right now) and so she lets Crowley see Gabriel’s resulting “trial”.

Surprise, Metatron is running the thing - Gabriel thinks he’ll be sent down to hell but he says  no, one archangel cast down is a good story but two makes it look like an institutional problem (it absolutely is) and so instead he’ll have his memory wiped, and become a scrivener, one level below Muriel. Crowley gives her a sweet little pat on the arm when she’s proud of that, it’s so endearing. 

Gabriel seems to take it in stride, asks if he can clean out his desk and they let him, because sure, and he makes a break for it. You can see him stripping out of his heavenly suit while wielding the box he showed up to Az’s shop with, scribbling something on the bottom and then dropping the matchbox as he enters the elevator. 

When they realize he’s doing something squirrely, they try to wipe his memory without him present (y’all dicks)  only to realize he’s no longer in heaven. Metatron is none too happy, it’s clear that mofo is pulling the strings entirely, and instead of sounding the alarm, he wants the other angels to find him, quickly and quietly.

Back at the shop, Shax tries to convince Maggie and Nina into letting them in, taunting Maggie who is suddenly very brave , butMaggie accidentally tells them to come in and say their insults to her face. So, they do. 

And Aziraphale’s trick with the portal works for a bit, stupid demons keep stepping in and getting vaporized, but that’s not going to work for long so they retreat up the spiral stairs while the demons advance. 

At the top, Nina and Maggie arm themselves with fire extinguishers, a lot of fire extinguishers. Which I’m sure we all imagine is Crowley’s doing, I can see him trying to clandestinely fill the bookshop with them after the devastating fire. I guarantee it’s his (not so) irrational fear. And you know Aziraphale noticed but said nothing about it, because why would they talk about those horrible feelings.

So as the demons try to climb the stairs the girls are spraying the extinguishers and that works a bit too. Shax is back at trying to be menacing, though she does a bit of a better job - calling Az Crowley’s emotional support angel, she accuses him, “the softest touch, the one who went native”, sneering at him about big human meals and sushi. And you can see it gets to him. He’s probably thinking he should be more ferocious in the face of all this.

And then the girls run out of extinguishers and they ask if they can throw books and he hates the idea, they offer encyclopedias and he acquiesces. I love the look on his face while they’re hurling the books though, he has gone native but it’s in the sweetest little ways. He loves knowledge; Crowley gave humans knowledge.

It’s now time for Aziraphale to do something, really do something, so he goes for broke. He steels himself and he removes his halo from seemingly nothing and he throws it down into the shop. One of the demons toe at it gently and then TADA! All demons (except Shax) are blown to bits. Guardian Aziraphale says “I may have just started a war”, because of course he did. 

In heaven, Crowley, Muriel and Saraquel see alarm bells so they decide to head back down to get involved in Aziraphale’s mess, and I love the scene in the elevator with all the angels huddled against one side while Crowley grins at them from the other and his clothes change back, “funny old world, isn't’ it?”

When they show up in the bookshop Az is so excited and Crowley asks what he did to them all. He’s not proud to admit he “did the thing with the halo” but Crowley absolutely loves it; yes he loves to rescue Aziraphale but he also loves when Aziraphale stands up for himself. Boy is tickled over it. 

But of course shit’s about to get real, Beelzebub shows up with a handful of demons all thrilled that they’re finally at war. Crowley isn’t having it, he’s commanding a room full of idiot angels and idiot demons and he asks Az for the box Jim/Gabriel showed up with so they can sort this shit out. On the bottom, he’d written “I’m in the FLY!” 

So they turn it over to Beez, who finds the fly that’s been sneaking around the entire season, and she says “it’s familiar.” she coaxes it over to her, sweetly, “look at you, you’re perfect.” It’s a turnaround for her - we haven’t seen much of her this season but last season she was absolutely not any kind of soft. 

She gives the fly to Gabriel, tells him to take it gently and open it. And he does. 

Is this part a little rushed? Yes. We see Gabriel traveling through his memories, meeting Beezlebub during the apocalypse-that-wasn’t, commiserating over their jobs. And then they meet in a pub to talk about apocalypse mark II, but their hearts don’t seem exactly in it. A third meeting, where Gabriel proposes they maybe don’t armageddon at all - Beez is intrigued, and agrees, and they hear “Everyday” playing on the pub’s speakers. Beezlebub says she likes it, and Gabriel decides that if she does, he does too. 

Every time they meet they say there’s no reason to ever meet again. And then a fourth time, Gabriel takes Beez to his statue in Edinburgh (which I think is absolutely hilarious, calling back to the conversation in 1827 wherein Crowley suggests he comes down to stare at it and marvel at his own beauty. Bingo.)

They go to the Resurrectionist pub afterward and they sit in a cozy little booth at the back. Gabriel miracles the jukebox to play “Everyday”, he tells Beez it’ll always be there on, to ease the afflicted, and she’s appreciative of the gesture. She gives him a gift in return, the fly, which she says is a container. Gabriel says “no one’s ever actually given me anything before.”

And that’s all it takes, y’all. Heaven is so sterile and unfeeling and clean and cold that all it takes for an archangel to think ‘fuck it’ is a small gesture of kindness, of thought. For someone to give him something. Crowley’s been giving Aziraphale things for 6,000 years.

In the shop, Gabriel is full Gabriel now and everyone realizes slowly what’s going on. Beezlebub is called a traitor for collaborating with heaven, but she says she didn’t collaborate any more than Gabriel did. And then she says:

“I just found something that mattered more to me than choosing sides.”

The LOOK on Aziraphale’s face, he reaches out and grabs Crowley’s shoulder. Sweet angel is incredulous and excited and hopeful. And it’s what Crowley has been trying to tell him ALL ALONG. They matter more than choosing sides, they always have. 

Is it infuriating that Gabriel and Beezlebub can figure this out in what must feel like, 30 seconds to them? Absolutely. But the problem is, neither one of them gives a shit about earth or humanity. Crowley and Az are on their own side, but that side has always included the stupid little planet that brought them together. So it can’t be as simple. Nothing can ever be as simple. 

Meanwhile, Nina and Maggie are still in the shop but they need to  be ushered out so as not to turn into pillars of salt. Crowley says he’ll take them but Aziraphale is still holding his shoulder and when he breaks away you can see Az take a few steps forward still reaching for him. He’s so close to getting what he wants, if they can just wrap this situation up.

The point is, Beezlebub and Gabriel want to go off together and be left alone. Crowley tells the Alpha Centauri is nice, he always wanted to go, and Aziraphale’s face, again, jesus Michael Sheen and that face. The flicker of recognition and understanding, my poor heart. Beez tells  Shax she can be a duke of hell to discourage her from looking for them, and then they hold each other’s hands and disappear while singing “Everyday”. Annoying yes, but still sweet. 

In the coffee shop, there’s a slightly familiar old man, fucking Metraton, ordering a coffee from Nina and he asks her if anyone ever asks for ‘death’, gesturing at the name of the shop. She says no, they don’t, he says “No I don’t suppose they do, so predictable.” 

This asshole takes the coffee he ordered and heads over to the bookshop, interrupting the threats to be erased from the book of life being hurled at Aziraphale. The angels don’t recognize him. But Crowley does. Metraton tells the angels they don't have the authority to do what they’re suggesting, and he sends them back upstairs (minus Muriel) after they ask if they’ve done anything wrong and he tells them that remains to be seen.

Metatron asks Az if they can talk, and Aziraphale says there’s nothing to discuss, since his position has been made pretty goddamn clear. But Metatron offers him the coffee, goads him into taking it and having a sip. No one ever asks for death. He looks back to Crowley to figure out what to do (instinctual, heartbreaking) and Crowley tells him to go on. So he does. 

Muriel is still in the shop though, and Crowley tries to get her to go, he tells her that when Az returns they’re going to need “us time” (swoon, again), he says he wants to have an extremely alcoholic breakfast at the Ritz. He thinks the worst is behind them for now and he just wants to be with Aziraphale, and it’s just so dear. He gives Muriel a book and she leaves, and he sets himself to cleaning up the shop, fixing the bookshelves and covering the portal and messing about with Aziraphale’s chair, he’s anxious but he’s removing the obstacles in the way of his planned little trip. He just wants to be with the angel in a place that’s meaningful for them.

And then we see Nina and Maggie bickering a bit in the shop, Maggie wants to talk to Az and Crowley but Nina doesn’t think it will help, though she gives in anyway. They bust in on Crowley and tell them they have to talk to him, these girls are gonna call him on his shit. They tell him they’re real people, they aren’t toys to be played with, and he tries to defend the little charade that he and Az both had put on for them, but they don’t care. 

They tell him he needs to talk to Aziraphale. And he says they talk all the time, they’ve talked for millions of years. Except we all know that’s not talking, it’s not communicating. THEY’RE TALKING PAST EACH OTHER. They tell him that he needs to actually say what’s on his mind. And he seems to understand, finally. 

Woof. Okay. And then, Aziraphale comes back into the shop. And everyone holds their fucking breath.

Crowley tries to dive into it, he really does “if I don’t start talking I won’t ever start talking” but Aziraphale stops him because he can’t pick up on social cues?! Or how nervous Crowley is right now??! Or how serious he’s being?? I can’t.

It tumbles out of Aziraphale, he tells him that Metatron has asked him to replace Gabriel, because he’s a leader, and he doesn’t tell people what they want to hear. And Aziraphale resists at first, saying that he doesn’t want to go back to heaven. But Metatron pulls Crowley in, saying that their arrangement has been irregular, but if Az was archangel, he could restore his friend to full angelic status. The more you watch this part, the more it sounds like a fucking threat. And it is. Everyone asks for coffee, they never ask for death - Aziraphale took the coffee hesitantly, and if he doesn’t fully accept it, it really is death, but not for him. 

He paints a prettier picture for Crowley though, he seems to be excited and thrilled with the idea even though it’s not truly shining through. “You could come back to heaven and everything, like old times, only nicer!” Which Crowley hears as a slap in the face. Hears it as ‘I’ve been tolerating you but I’d really like to go back to the way things were’, hears it as a million different terrible things.

So he explodes a little bit and tells Aziraphale he’s better than that, “we’re better than that!”They don’t need them, they’re toxic.  He says they wanted him to be a duke of hell and he refused and fucking Aziraphale says obviously he said no to that, “you’re the bad guys”. My dude is choosing all of the wrong words. You’re gonna say “you’re” there? For real? Jesus christ. Because heaven is the side of “truth and light” and really baby, you are so far off the reservation right now. How the fuck do you truly think that anymore? 

Crowley tells him: “When Heaven ends life here on Earth, it'll be just as dead as if Hell ended it.” And it’s so crucially important but what he should have said was - ‘they’re not going to give up on trying to destroy everything and they’re tricking you into helping them’ but he doesn’t. And he’s so angry, he wants Azirphale to tell him that he said no, the second time he repeats it it’s so deflated, defeated, sad. But Az is convinced he can make a difference. 

This is where that familiar trope would come in wherein the character that was trying to confess how they really feel gives up, but I have to give this man credit, Crowley decides he’s going to power through it, he’s gonna say the things he needs to say, even if he already knows the outcome.

And everyone is still fucking holding their breath. Because poor Crowley is too, trying to get it all out. David Tennant is a beautiful disaster, huffing and stumbling and looking away and looking back. And it falls apart spectacularly.

“We've known each other a long time. We've been on this planet for a long time. I mean, you and me. I could always rely on you. You could always rely on me. We're a team, a group. A group of the two of us. And we've spent our existence pretending that we aren't. I mean, the last few years, not really. And I would like to spend...I mean, if Gabriel and Beelzebub can do it, go off together, then we can. Just the two of us. We don't need Heaven, we don't need Hell, they're toxic. We need to get away from them, just be an ‘us’. You and me, what do you say?”

How Aziraphale doesn’t crumple at all of this, I will never understand. Like, are you hearing what this beautiful demon is offering you? Maybe he shouldn’t have insinuated that you’d ‘leave’ together, he doesn’t want to go anywhere, not really but my brother in christ, he puts his heart on a platter all trussed up and still you’re not hearing him. Now would be a good time to tell him you don’t really have a choice, but oooh baby, you’re gonna lie through your teeth. Cool. Cool, cool, cool.

Instead, he asks Crowley to come to heaven and be his second in command (so fucking laughable) and insists again they can make a difference. Poor demon says “you can’t leave this bookshop” at that, and Az tells him nothing lasts forever. The girls had told Crowley to say what he’s really thinking, but he still isn’t doing it - you can’t leave me, you can’t leave earth, you can’t leave what we’ve built together.

 Hurdling onward, Crowley puts his sunglasses back on at that, he’d given his little confession without his ever-present protection, and he just says “Good luck.” At which point, Aziraphale makes a go of it himself, saying “Work with me! We can be together! Angels, doing good!” (and the ‘angels’ part is where he fucked up, he knows Crowley would never, ever, ever want to be an angel again). 

When Crowley’s not moved, he’s got one last thing, squeaking out: “I…need you!” and those are the wrong three words. We all know it. It’s there in his hesitation. And then he’s a little bit of an asshole, to protect himself: “I don’t think you understand what I’m offering you.” Which is essentially protection, a nowhere-near-perfect-but-maybe-it-can-be-enough way to be together.

Crowley tells him “I think I understand a whole lot better than you do” because that’s true, he knows neither of them would  be safe there, it’s a fucking TRAP, why isn’t he screaming it’s a trap?! I get it, he wants Aziraphale to say no because he should be enough, because Aziraphale needs to fully accept they’re on their own side for once, but the poor little one is not working off enough information, he hasn’t been. And It’s not fair to keep it from him, but here we are.

Sad little demon has to twist the knife a little bit, and he asks “do you hear that?” and of course there’s nothing to hear. He says, “No nightingales” and it breaks Aziraphale like it should. The song that had been playing at the Ritz when they toasted to the world. That was supposed to imply they’d get their happy ending. The words do what they need to do.

Has anyone breathed this entire time? How was I simultaneously holding it in and screaming at the two of them at the same time? Crowley waits a beat  and he says “You idiot…we could have been us” and I guarantee you there’s no air in the room and Aziraphale looks like he’s going to cry (or is likely crying already) and Crowley crosses the room and he grabs the angel by his lapels and

Crowley kisses him. 

Like he’s desperate. Like it’s a ‘hail mary’ that he knows isn’t going to work. Like it’s the last chance he’ll ever get. And it isn’t sweet, it isn’t tender, it isn’t a vavoom under an awning or a sudden revelation during a slow dance. 

Aziraphale looks like he’s in pain, and his hands flutter around a bit, one of them resting on Crowley’s shoulder briefly, he doesn’t know what the fuck to do, it’s not like it should be at all, and it’s fucking agonizing to watch. It’s a fucking gut punch. For them, for everyone.

When they break away, Aziraphale does crumple (as much as he can anyway) and then he says the worst thing he could possibly say. “I forgive you.” It’s the most devastating of the wrong three words he could possibly choose. There’s hesitation again, but he still chose wrong. No more Guardian of the Eastern Gate, no more bravery. Always wrong.

Crowley tells him not to bother, and then he’s gone. At this point, we need to give all the awards to Michael Sheen - Aziraphale’s face is a mash of anguish and anger and desperation and frustration and confusion and broken and he just puts his hands to his lips (so did I). Utter devastation.

We all know the rest: Metatron comes back and ushers Aziraphale out of the bookshop even though he does half-heartedly try to say maybe he’s changed his mind, it doesn’t matter now though, he’s done too much damage and he knows it. So he goes. And Crowley’s there outside, standing stock fucking still against the Bentley, staring through his shades. You know his eyes never leave Aziraphale, you know the angel can feel every ounce of it, and before he gets on the elevator he does dare to look back, but he steps in anyway. 

Oh, the grand plan, by the way? The one Aziraphale is perfect to lead? The second coming. 

Crowley gets in the Bentley once they’ve gone, and the radio plays him “A nightingale sang in berkeley square”. He lets it, briefly, then shut it off and drives away. The credits show their faces side by side, Crowley hidden behind his glasses but dejected, resigned, Aziraphale trying to plaster on his best ‘jolly good’ face. It goes on for minutes. And it breaks you.

And so. TFL;DDR (too fucking long, definitely didn’t read): somehow an angel and a demon hiding a amnesiac archangel in a quiet bookshop turns into a 6000-year-long love story that will rip your fucking guts out, make you believe in soul mates, shatter your emotional processing skills, hurt you in a way you can’t exactly define, and leave you in a puddle of goo, dazed and wondering what the fuck just happened. Or maybe that’s just me. 

I haven’t connected to a show like this in a long time. And I’m so grateful for it. Like I said, a love story, in the most beautiful and worst ways possible.

[wangmiao]

hii! i just finished reading the dark forest!! what a journey, i think it took me about a month to finish it lol. i wanted to share some thoughts !!

i found some of the concepts fascinating.. what stuck with me the most now i that i (try to) recall everything that happened, was the battle of darkness and the dark forest theory as a whole was brilliant. i imagine those people that were just- endlessly floating in the immensely vast universe and it made me think "oh wow how Sad and Hopeless that must've been" i too would've want to end it all, i believe that's a lot to endure.. that's one

another thing was the infamous wallfacer project. well that was new. and the fact that they had to plan everything on their own bc of the sophons, that's also kind of depressing lol. one thing i was confused was: why was luoji re-elected as a wallfacer at the end? i mean there wasn't anything more he could have done anyways?

da shi as always is such a great person😭 he never abandoned luoji during this long crazy journey, even after 200+ years. honestly i love his character a ton, i wanted to see what would happen to him at the end but there was nothing! will he be on Death's end? or his character just ends here? :((

i thought the whole thing with the "trees" as homes was pretty cool, though i couldn't really see it in my imagination haha i honestly can't imagine what would our society be like in, say, 300 years from now

i found it too simplistic(? that only when the trisolarans communicated with luoji did they stopped their plan to coming to earth, or maybe there's something i missed? or maybe it is really just that: communication solves everything? lol idk

and a deserved special mention to zhang beihai, respect!

i think that's everything i've got on my mind right now, but in general it was very interesting and depressing and dark.... what were some your favourite moments from the book? i can't wait to start death's end next !! but i'll start later, i have to fully process this book first hahaha anyways that's all, have a great day or night!!! :))

hello, friend! it's great reading this ask, and i'm glad you decided to share it with me. i have to say that i read the books years ago, so my memory on everything is not that fresh. and since i read the chinese version, i don't know some of the vocabularies they used in englishn. while i'll try my best to reply to this ask, i'm sure there's gotta be some novel fans here that could do better than me.

the dark forest is indeed very interesting and depressingly dark. i was definitely in awe when i heard the dark forest theory for the first time (before i read the books, and that was partly why i decided to read them). i also really like 水滴/waterdrop or droplet which is just something that looks simple but super super super powerful.

i enjoyed reading about the wallfacer project. even the three failed ones are equally fascinating and disturbing. i want to bow down to liu cixin's imagination...if i remember it correctly, luo ji is re-elected because his "咒语/spell or curse" actually came true. and at that time humans are really hopeless, so they just want to have someone that they believe can save/lead them.

da shi is everything. i lol need a da shi myself. unfortunately, he's not in the third book. my inner shiwang shipper feels that shi qiang and wang miao got similar style of exist from the story. and the common believe (i don't even remember if i read it in the novel or it was fan theory) is that shi qiang dies of natural causes at old age like wang miao. i kinda feel like maybe shi qiang and wang miao promised each other that they'd try to stay alive so that they can both be copernicus *sobs*...

ok...bear with my silly shallow shipper's talk for a moment, you know some people were like shiwang will be no more once season 2 of three body comes out, and everyone will start to ship shi qiang and luo ji, and it kinda bothered me a bit (ps. i know most people including myself didn't ship anything while reading the books, but man, these dramas are really forcing it on us lol). but i don't anymore, because i really think wang miao is special to shi qiang. besides shi qiang being a good and protective human being who will die for the greater good, i think one of the reasons that he stays with luo ji all this time is because luo ji reminds him of wang miao. even though it is only mentioned very breifly, i do believe liu cixin meant to tell us how important wang miao is to shi qiang... “我这辈子还只见着他一个”

as for luo ji stopping the trisolarans, i think he uses the dark forest theory, and his threat of exposing the location of the trisolaris (and in turn exposing earth's location) stops their plan.

and zhang beihai is an awesome, complex, and well loved tragic hero even though he isn't a very major character like luo ji. i remember yu hewei said in an interview that if he didn't play shi qiang, he'd probably like to play zhang beihai. i'm really curious who they'd pick to play zhang beihai in season 2.

anyways, thanks so much for the ask. you made me want to re-read the books, and i know i really should! have a nice day/night!

[edgessunflower]

Day 3 Forget me not: Healing and grief

Pairing: Sting x Fem reader

Description: Sting helps you grieve and heal on the anniversary of your aunt's passing

Sting's heart breaks seeing you with tears flowing down your face after looking through photo albums laying every picture you found of your aunt Jill on the coffee table unable to hold in the grief and agony you've never truly dealt with. He's heard stories of jill from you of the two of you growing up together along with your siblings, two uncles, and other aunt since all of you weren't far apart in age being glued to the hip with each other until she passed away when you were thirty and what made sadder was not only that she was forty two when she died but that she had gotten killed by someone high on drugs thankfully that person was arrested and is serving a life sentence in prison for what had happened to your aunt but it never truly heals everything or brings her back to this world but god if she was here you would be absolutely over the moon to have her back and sting wished he could do that for you seeing you tremble with heart wrenching sobs wrapping yourself in his arms. "God I wished I told her I loved her instead of complaining that she mothered me too much" you hold in the guilt that the last words you told her was that she wasn't your mother even though she had always been more of a sister to you than an aunt and you regret the last words you ever said to her "She knows you do" you watch him lift up the greatest picture of her when she was twenty on the beach raising a brow when he tells you to shower and change right before he leaves doing what he says and walking down in a baby blue dress when he walks back in with flowers handing you a bouquet of lillies and placing a bouquet of forget me nots on the table "Which cemetery is she at? We're gonna go see her" your heart melts and tears form before the two of you were out the door and at the cemetery you hadn't visited since her funeral from all the feelings you held in watching him talk to her saying that he had heard so much about her and wished he could have met her putting the flowers in front of her grave before finally you broke down "God I'm sorry Jill, I just wish I would have told you that I loved you before you got killed...I know you were trying to look after me". Finally after nine years of blaming yourself and guilt eating away at you it was all out finishing your words with "I miss you so much and I love you with all my heart Jill" a new feeling flows through you rather than guilt or anger at yourself peace suddenly washes over you finally understanding that jill still loved you and was with you even though you wished that she was still on this earth but right now as the smell of forget me nots flows in the air and you being held by sting was the first step of the long journey of healing but with sting by your side you knew no matter how long you'd complete the journey.

[m1ckeyb3rry]

i just finished the chapter AND OH MY GOD. it was so cute and sweet but absolutely heartbreaking at the same time. toge and panda broke me☹️☹️☹️ i love hana sm and i love the way you portray her bc she seems like such a sweet person and i really love how y/n tries to befriend her and not make her feel unwelcome

yuta just continues to raise my standards, that man is the greenest flag to exist and the way he loves y/n so much makes me bang my head against a wall. they’re everything to me and they’re literally the definition of what love is

maki is my baby, her and y/ns relationship is so pure and you can see how much they care for each other. i feel like their love for one another doesnt have an explanation, its more than just platonic love, they’re literally soulmates

TULLIA UGHHHHHHH everytime shes mentioned my heart drops to the ground and i miss her so so so so much. it shatters my heart the way she never got to confess to toge herself, they deserved so much better ☹️☹️

and gojo omg. y/n and gojos relationship may be my favourite in the entire series. i love how much they care for each other and the way they’re literally siblings. the photo album ABSOLUTELY killed me, it was so thoughtful and so sweet and fr the best gift you can ever give someone. it makes me really sad that its probably the last thing she’ll ever get from gojo (if the story goes there (PLS DONT IM GONNA SOB AND SCREAM))

all in all, i absolutely loved this chapter but it felt like the calm (if you can call it that really) before the storm and im so not ready for the next chapter. it kills me that pi is ending so soon, i’ll miss it so much and i’ll miss all the characters and inside jokes of the book, but im still really excited to know what happens and see everything get revealed (im gonna be screaming crying shaking and dying on the floor)

toge and panda the forgotten favs 😫 i’m like 99% sure that’s the last time we’re going to see those two and they’ve been there since the BEGINNING so it was so bittersweet writing that chapter 😔 but HANAAA i love her sm she deserved sm better from the fandom and from gege as a whole i will always defend her. the whole trend of female characters obsessed with the male main characters that dgaf abt them is so annoying and disappointing to me tbh especially because hana had so much potential to be such an interesting character given her powers and dynamic with angel. so i tried to expand on her just a little bit!! maybe in another fic i’ll focus on her more because she really is so cool.

YUTA IS SO SWEET he is THE boyfriend of all time like the biggest gentleman ever i love him sm 😢 he’s just so kind and loving and ugh i can’t

maki and y/n really do escape definition tbh. like i couldn’t tell you WHAT they are but whatever it is it’s a very very pure form of love and they are so dear and important to me. their relationship (along w y/n and yuta’s ofc) definitely exemplifies the core of pi and idt the story would be the same without it at ALL

the tullia mentions are so sad for me too because i’ve actually never killed her off before so it’s weird to write something without her there in some way shape or form. her and toge deserved sm more than they got fr.

GOJO AND Y/N. that’s it that’s the sentence…as much as the romance in pi is central to it i think the bond between gojo and y/n is just as important. they kill me every time because they didn’t get as much time as they deserved together (#l/nclanslander) but they still love each other more than anything. the photo album had me sobbing especially describing all of the pictures from the first half of the story 😭 it felt so end credit scene if that makes sense?? and just reminded me that this entire ridiculous journey is almost over ☹️ no spoilers for what will happen to everyone hehehe you will have to wait and see

THIS CHAPTER TRULY IS IT. the calm before the storm the last time we see everyone…it truly will be the end of an era once pi is over (which is so so soon) i’m going to feel so empty for a bit and it’s going to be so odd to not be able to write more adventures of the pi crew (but at least that means asftd and h/h can get back to being updated regularly again!!)

[chososwifey24-7]

I've been working on a story on wattpad called his Prayer. It is a Taiju Shiba x reader fan fiction. Since I couldn't get many views on wattpad, I decided I'd post the first chapter here! If people like it, I'll post more.

Enjoy!

All I could hear was the insitent beep of an alarm. It blared through the house and into my room.

"Luna!" I yelled and almost groaned. "It's time for school, just turn the dang alarm off, please!"

I covered my head with the pillow and let out an agitated sob.

The beeping finally stopped, and I sighed, opening my eyes only to see little Mana sleeping next to me.

Another nightmare, I assume.

Getting up, I threw on my uniform, I could care less for the wrinkles and for the disheveled look of it.

I ran into the bathroom and pulled up my hair. There was no way I was going with my hair looking like a rats nest.

"Y/n!" I heard my brother Takashi yell from the other room.

"What!" I yelled back.

No answer.

Classic mom move, Takashi.

I run out of the bathroom and see him and his friend, Hakkai, standing in the living room.

"We gotta go, We are gonna be late."

He simply stated. I looked at him before the two girls popped out from behind him.

"Sounds great. I assume I'm riding with Hakkai again?"

Mitsuya nodded, and they left the house. Hakkai didn't say a word to me and only blushed.

(No, it's not a ship. We just know how he is with women, lmao)

I hopped on his motorcycle behind him and held onto his shoulders.

Today was just going to be a long day.

Sitting in Algebra had to be one of the worst 50 minutes of my life.

Why couldn't math just figure out its own X? Beats me.

"Ms. Mitsuya?" My teacher called out to me.

I jumped in my seat and looked up.

"Yes, Sensei?" I inquired and looked at her a little scared.

"Care to tell the class what 2(5+6) +3(9-2)=X is?"

I gulped and went up to the board, working out the equation.

I've never been the best at math, I only knew how to get myself by.

Exhaling I finished the problem and looked at my teacher.

"X would be equal to 33, sensei."

She gave a nod of approval. Just then, the bell rang for us to be out of school for the day.

I went to the front doors. Takashi had told me that both him and Hakkai had gang business, so I would have to manage picking up Luna and Mana.

I began my trek towards Luna and Mana's school.

I stood at the front entry way of the school, and when Luna and Mana came running out in hugged me, I couldn't help but smile.

Luna and Mana were always there. They always held me when I'm sad and I reciprocated the gesture.

"Y/n! We missed you!" Luna said, jumping up and hugging my torso.

Mana nodded. She was still only in a daycare/preschool place. She wasn't amazingly talkative, but she was one smart cookie.

I picked Mana up and put her on my back. I used my other hand to hold Luna's.

As we began the journey home. It was a long walk, about a mile or so. We ended up stopping for ice cream, then continuing.

After finishing her ice cream, Mana fell asleep on my back. I sighed and felt a little sleepy myself.

As we walked up to the house, mom's car was still gone.

She's probably still at work.

I walked in and laid Mana down it was late after all.

Luna also said she was going to bed, but I had other plans.

Homework.

I couldn't skip out on it, or Mitsuya would kick my butt, and mom would have some words for me.

It was getting late, probably about 10 pm, and Takashi still wasn't home.

I wanted to wait for him and tell him goodnight, but it looks like that may not be on the agenda.

I heated him up some ramen and ended up crashing on the couch after putting my homework away.

It must have been hours later that I felt someone pick me up and carry me into my room. Opening my eyes, I noticed it was Takashi.

He had a small bruise on the side of his face, and his knuckles seemed bloody.

"Takashi?" I asked gently.

"Go back to sleep Y/n, it's late, and you seemed uncomfortable."

He said and set me down, but before he could go, I grabbed his wrist.

"Sit down idiot. How many times do I tell you I won't be mad as long as you let me help fix you up."

I basically forced him to sit as I got the first aid kit and walked into back over to him.

Turning on my lamp, I was fully able to assess the damage. Signing, I looked at him.

"Please don't be so reckless, Taka-chan. You always get hurt like this."

I began to dab at the wounds with alcohol pads. Takashi didn't wince or even flinch. He was used to it.

Bandaging up his beaten and bruised hands I looked at his face.

"Who was it?" I asked sternly but gently poked at it.

He hissed this time and grabbed my hand.

"Don't worry about it, and could you not, I love you y/n but it hurts like a bitch." He responded.

I only nodded and let him leave my room.

Curling up into a ball on my mattress was an amazing idea, and so I did.

I let out an exhausted sigh and closed my eyes.

I couldn't believe that all of this was now currently my responsibility.

[the-lupine-sojourner]

The Story Traveller Saga [Book 1: Martin the Warrior] [Martin/Rose included]

Hi there!

I had this idea for Ayana as a 'Story Traveller' for a while and I'm finally starting the journey!

For those not familiar with Brian Jacques' Redwall series, it is a very wonderful (in my opinion) series of 22-ish books set in a really fun area called Mossflower. The titular Redwall is an abbey made of red sandstone and is populated by peaceful woodlanders such as mice, hedgehogs, otters, sometimes shrews, moles, etc. The villains in the stories are always foxes, weasels, stoats, ferrets, etc that threaten Redwall in some way.

Another location is Salamandastron, the mountain stronghold of warrior badgers and the Long Patrol hares.

In general, the plot is bad guys decide to attack Redwall, the abbey had to defend itself, someone is named Warrior of Redwall (picking up a famous sword wielded by Martin the Warrior, one of Redwall's founders), and the day is saved eventually. That's a really rough oversimplification, but hopefully you understand what I'm trying to say.

I will point out that this is Martin's origin story, with the story of how he helped found Redwall coming right after I finish this book! :)

Btw, if you like my writing, please consider buying me a ko-fi, or if you want, you can continuously support me writing stories by joining my Patreon!

Anyway, I will let you guys read the prologue for now, and I hope you guys like it! Any questions are welcome! (or if you wanna be on a taglist, please let me know!)

God Bless and Good Day!

~The Lupine Sojourner

My life was changed by four little words.

"Ayana…it's your grandmother." My heart dropped to my toes as my aunt sobbed over the phone, telling me my ailing grandmother was gone, passing quietly in her sleep.

It was the ideal way to go, but that doesn't dull the pain of her loss at all.

All too soon, I sit at her funeral, tears a steady stream down my face. Then, we all went from the memorial (held the day after the funeral) to the will reading.

It was fairly standard, really. My uncle and his wife got the house, and the grandchildren were to split my grandmother's clothes and other belongings among ourselves…except, apparently, her books.

"The personal library of Elizabeth MacBurrow is to be given to her granddaughter, Ayana MacBurrow, in its entirety, along with the enclosed envelope in its entirety."

Murmurs rang through the room. I myself was shocked. Nana and I had always been close but I hadn't expected this. No one had. 

She'd always say I was the only one of her grandkids that would really listen to her bedtime stories (wonderful stories about heroes and villains, told through woodland animals) or let her talk to me about those books she loved (her bedtime stories were probably inspired by those books), but I never thought this would happen.

Now I have more books than I know what to do with, and a weird envelope. What was inside, I have no idea.

But, I have to go up and get the envelope, trying to ignore the murmurs still ringing around the room.

Strangely, it felt like there was something in it. Some small object, most likely made of metal as well as whatever paper was clearly inside.

I walk back to my seat, where my siblings tried to look at the envelope, but I tuck it into my purse, refusing to open it til I was alone.

I shrink into my seat, wishing this will reading was over already.

=#=#=#=#=

My mom, bless her, knew I wanted to be alone, so she didn't let anyone stop me from going to my room.

There, I lock the door and flop on my bed so I could finally open the mysterious envelope I'd gotten from Nana.

In it, as I thought, was a letter, and…a ring?

It was a lovely silver ring, looking like something an ancient king would wear, patterned a bit like a snake with an emerald for the snake's eye.

I frown. Why would Nana give me this, and her books? This makes no sense…

I open the letter, hoping that would clarify things.

My dear Ayana,

I'm afraid I don't have very long left in this life. I've made my peace with that, as sad as I know you and your family will be.

I've always felt that you were the most like me out of all the grandchildren. You are the only one with stars in your eyes, eager for an adventure. So I left my library to you, along with this ring.

I stumbled on this ring at an estate auction I attended years ago with your grandfather before his passing.

It took a long time to discover its wonderful ability, as I'm sure you will discover for yourself.

It may be frightening at first, but if my instincts are correct, you will grow to love the adventures the ring will unlock for you.

Remember always, dear child, that I love you. I will always be thankful I got to nurture your love of reading and adventures. I hope that passion continues to flourish in you.

I love you always,

Nana

Tears blur my vision. What does all this mean? What does this ring do? What does Nana want me to do?!

Not sure what else to do, I try the ring on my fingers. Turns out, it fits best on my left pointer finger. I twist it on my finger absently. Nana's books would be given to me tomorrow, more than likely. We lived fairly close to Nana's house, and we were planning on going through Nana's stuff tomorrow anyway.

I flop on my bed, sighing heavily. Nana had always been a bit eccentric but I loved that about her. I could listen to her stories for hours! I always felt like she and I sort of understood each other…

Now…I'm not sure what she's asking me to do. Does she want me to read her whole library? Or just…whatever I want to read from it? And why give me the ring? This makes no sense! Couldn't you have written a clearer note, Nana!? Why'd you have to be so enigmatic about something like this?

Feeling helpless and unsure, I fiddle with the ring as more tears flow.

=#=#=#=#=

Dinner had been awkward, and I wasn't looking forward to the trip over to Nana's house, or the influx of questions I was sure to get.

I'd been grilled about the envelope at dinner so much that Mom and Dad had to step in and tell them to leave me alone. Dinner ended up with me finishing my meal alone in my room, the door locked. Eventually, I fell asleep, still feeling awful I couldn't decipher Nana's note.

True to my prediction, my cousins are eager to know about the letter, so I hid in one of Nana's spare bedrooms to try to calm down as my parents explain the situation.

They'd knocked on my door last night and I let them in, letting them read the letter. They were as confused as I am, and agreed to not talk too much about it.

Eventually, the conversation grows quiet so I come out to find a few boxes of books ready to go and my parents boxing up more of Nana's library.

There were a lot, and I go to help them.

My parents had sent my cousins away to start looking at Nana's glassware collection, which I wasn't interested in at all.

"You ok, honey?" Mom asks gently as we close up a box of books.

"I dunno. I still feel…numb, I guess." I confess. "And a little overwhelmed with all these books and this ring business."

"We're here for you, Ayana. You know that, right?"

I nod.

"I know. I really appreciate you keeping the vultures away." I quip, trying for a smile.

"Couldn't let them munch on my baby!" Mom also tries for a smile, but neither of us can quite manage it.

One of my cousins, Rosemary, walks up. "Hey, Annie." She greets. It was a nickname my family had started, and I never minded it.

"Hey, Mary." I retort, using her nickname.

"I'm sorry for bombarding you with questions earlier. I just got so excited by what might be in that letter and I didn't even think of how you felt about it." Rosemary murmurs, sitting beside me. Mom and Dad move away to oversee what was going on in the basement.

"I can understand that curiosity. I am still trying to figure it out myself, I guess as a distraction from how I got the ring and letter."

"I get that." Rosemary chuckles a little and rubs my back. "Hey, um, we females are going to go over Nana's other jewelry if you want to take a look."

"...Ok."

We go into Nana's bedroom, where her jewelry had been spread about the foot of the bed, a few pieces already on my cousins' hands, wrists, or necks.

"Hey, Annie." A few greet, no one wanting to awkwardly apologize for their behavior, but I could see the remorse and regret in their eyes, so I let it slide and start peeking at jewelry.

The rest of the day passes fairly uneventfully (my wardrobe a little fuller with some sweaters, cardigans, and coats of Nana's with a few trinkets wrapped up in clothes, a small box of pins, a few necklaces, and a few pairs of earrings) and soon we were unloading the many boxes of books into our living room where my parents were partway through making some bookshelves to house my new books.

I open a box of books Nana seemed to have read a lot, judging by the wear to the outside. I reach inside and grab a random book, heading to my room.

I barely get three pages in before I fall asleep, feeling like I was falling, but I wasn't scared as the darkness envelopes me.

[larrydoinglaundry]

2022 writing self-evaluation✍️

Thank you @greenblueish for tagging me 💜

1. Number of stories posted to AO3 this year: 4

2. Word count posted for the year: 189 907 (woah)

3. Fandoms I wrote for: One Direction

4. Pairings: Larry

5. Story with the most:

Kudos: love is a word, you gave it a name

Bookmarks: love is a word, you gave it a name

Comments: love is a word, you gave it a name

6. Work I’m most proud of (and why):

I mean it has to be love is a word you gave it a name because that was a journey and somehow I finished it😭 and obviously because I took a biiig bite with that. The whole gender aspect, internalized homophobia, mental health issues, falling in love... there was a lot going on and three chapters in I wanted to give up so bad. But I didn't !

7. Work I’m least proud of (and why):

this does in no mean I am not proud of this work, I just wish I would have been able to write more for it. so it has to be I'm insatiable it's all your fault

8. Share or describe a favourite review you received:

I love every single comment on ao3, I am beyond grateful for every single person who reached out in dms on twitter, and everyone who keeps hyping my fic up.

I can't share a favorite, I have so many.

9. A time when writing was really, really hard:

Chapter 3 in love is a word. It was constant writing, deleting, crying, writing, deleting, crying... 💀 there wasn't even anything particularly difficult to write in that chapter ! It just didn't seem to flow at all. I had never wanted to give up so bad.

10. A scene or character you wrote that surprised you:

Didn't really surprise me per se, but I finally dared to put cunningulus and vaginal sex in my abo 😂 I had been hesitant to be very descriptive about it before, being too worried it turns my readers off. But I loved every second of it ! Pussy, folds, lips... 🤭 and judging by the comments and kudos, people didn't hate it.

11. A favourite excerpt of your writing:

"I won’t forget you. And that you were, will always be, my first love, and my baby. My sweetest dove," Louis murmurs, fingers softly digging onto Harry's jaw. With a soft smile, he whispers, "Will always be my bumblebee."

Harry should be able to say something equally sweet, something just as beautiful, but he can’t, because his brain is short circuiting, and his throat is burning again with the sobs that will probably never end.

Much to his relief, Louis sees it all, and chooses to kiss him to spare him from having to come up with something to say.

12. How did you grow as a writer this year:

hmmm. I think my general skills as a storyteller developed a lot. I feel like on some parts IIIAYF is written way better than LIAW. And while I haven't published my wip yet, I think for the most part it's a lot better than anything I put out this year.

13. How do you hope to grow next year:

I hope, again, that I could stop being so hard on myself but that will probably never happen.

14. Who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer or beta or cheerleader or muse etc etc):

@stylesthebrave my beloved, and everyone I met on twitter this year.

15. Anything from your real life show up in your writing this year:

hehehehe. Always. Yes. Something. One shall never know what.

16. Any new wisdom you can share with other writers:

Don't worry about cliches, stories that have already been written, authors that are getting more attention... The story that's planned in your head is unique, and no one else can write it the way you do. Your mind is beautiful.

And most importantly, your worth is not measured by statistics.

17. Any projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year:

Finish the sequel to LIAW ! Hallelujah ! And starting my cliche fic heheh.

18. Tag some writers whose answers you’d like to read.

I feel like everyone has already done this so I don't know :(

[felikatze]

Every single time I see a Kingdom Hearts post from you I always think about getting into it but I literally have no clue where or how to start

If you wanna get into Kingdom Hearts, start with Kingdom Hearts 1! Ignore whatever play order people have, release order is always best.

I actually started with Birth By Sleep though. It's a prequel game, so you won't notice the nods it throws to other games, but it's also a great starting point in my opinion. And the gameplay is better than kh1.

KH has basically everything in the PS4 collections, if you have that console. I own the 1.5+2.5 collection, which has everything up to KH3. You can just go down from top to bottom. Every game before KH3 (excluding the mobile games) is included in "The Story So Far" collection.

The switch ports suck ignore them

If you dont wanna play em, watch cutscene compilations or letsplays! It's what I did! the first kh game i ever played myself was kh3. I binged basically the whole series in movie format. There's no shame in it! Lots of people haven't played Chain of Memories, and never will. I still havent beaten all of bbs, or ddd. I've finished like. half. of all kh games at most.

If you want an order from me, let's see if I remember it all!

Kingdom Hearts 1

Re:Chain of Memories

358/2 Days

Kingdom Hearts 2

Birth By Sleep

Re:coded

Dream Drop Distance

Union Cross

Back Cover

0.2 Fragmentary Passage

Kingdom Hearts 3 (including re:mind)

Melody of Memory

Dark Road

The big hurdle here tends to be Union Cross. Some of it is relevant to KH3, but a lot of it came out after kh3, too.

However! There's an easy solution to this now! The Kingdom Hearts Union Cross Fandub! I'd recommend checking out Part 1 of the dub before kh3, and the rest after.

A word of advice: the story of kh isn't nearly as nonsensical or confusing as people make it out to be. If you just follow the games in release order and watch out for Secret Reports and Secret Endings in the games that have them, you'll get it. Even if you don't, the emotional core of the story is much more important than exact lore discussion.

The games are a great emotional journey. Yeah, they're corny, and cringe, but they're honest, and fun, and I have sobbed a fair number of times.

It can be intimidating to get into a series that long, but I recommend taking the plunge!

[yoonia]

19 and 21?

I've been following you for a long time. Curious to hear about your writing journey.

love you! 💜

aww thank you for staying with me for so long! I know I'm not the most reliable fic writer out here (haha *sobs*) so I really appreciate your support 💜

19. Tell me a story about your writing journey. When did you start? Why did you start? Were there bumps along the way? Where are you now and where are you going?

Writing in general: I've been writing since I was little. Writing became a form of therapy that I needed growing up but I hated writing personal journal so much that when I was given these journals to dump my thoughts, I ended up filling them with short stories, poems, any form of fiction writing. And then at around 15, I started writing Sailormoon fanfics and children short stories (the latter were published in magazines at some point lol) Writing fanfic (bts, kpop, khiphop) on Tumblr: It started around 2016 when I turned to Tumblr to find kpop content that were still pretty rare back in the day. I began listening to BTS towards the end of 2013 but never got deeper until 2014. On 2016, I found Tumblr blogs that provided links to rare bootlegs for their pre-debut materials, translated videos and texts, and I dove right into those before stumbling into *drumrolls* fanfics! It truly felt like finding rare gems to see that fanfics made up of kpop artists existed and back then, there were only a handful of writers who wrote for BTS. One day, I got an idea for a short story featuring Yoongi (as he just officially became my bias at the time) which I shared on my old blog. Some of the fic writers I talked to back then saw the fic and encouraged me to share it to more people (my original blog was for my art and it didn't get a lot of followers so not many kpop fans saw the story). So after I completed the fic, I decided to created a blog just to share that fic which, surprisingly, got a few excited readers who supported me to continue writing more fics. That story was Wild Strawberries, and that's how I began and I've continued writing until now :')

There have been bumps along the way. Writer's block, plagiarism cases, Tumblr drama, Tumblr purge, and several other events have happened ever since I began actively writing here on Tumblr which have pushed me away from Tumblr and writing fanfics in general. I have to admit, there were times when I felt "yeah, I'm done. this isn't worth it" and I just wanted to stop writing in general (this happened during Covid lockdown). But I always find my way back, either through writer friends that pulled me up to get me to start writing again or readers who were waiting for me to release something new or finish something that I've promised them I would. Where I am now: I'm currently taking things easy. Unlike before, I try not to let fanfic writing and Tumblr life take over my real life so I can always take breaks and focus on what's more important in my personal life. I'm determined to stay at least until I've finished all of my WIPs here, including the fics and series that have been put on hold. I think of this as paying my debt both to myself and my readers who have been supporting me to finish everything that I started here. Where I'm going: I'm just going with the flow. I'm also in the process of writing more seriously. I'm hoping to release and publish my own original novel in the near future. Including the alternate version of Carousel that I promised years ago to release and the upgraded version of BTS Shifters series that I'm turning into a novel series :)

21. Could you ever quit writing? Do you ever wish you could? Why or why not?

Hmm, I don't think I could, even if I want to hahahaha. I think, as mentioned above, it's been proven that no matter what I do to quit, I'll eventually get back to writing again in one way or another. After spending a long time writing, and now that I'm planning to write something outside of fanfics, I feel like the act of writing fiction work has been embedded in my life that it'll be hard for me to completely stop doing it. Maybe I'll end up taking a long break from writing one day or leave it behind completely. I'm not sure if this will happen in the near future, or ever. Like I said, I'm just going with the flow for now and enjoying the time I have here :)

Ask game: Weird Questions for Writers

[tomorrowmustburn]

Tamat

Wordhippo.com lists three meanings for the Malay word ‘Tamat’. As a verb, it can mean expire, as a noun it can mean the end, and in a more nebulous way it can mean to bring to an end, or, briefly, to end (something, presumably). It is also the name of a single released yesterday (at time of writing, anyhow) which announces, and likely previews the next album of the same name by the Singaporean band Paint The Sky Red, named so because it is to be their final album. I do not speak Malay.

Yesterday, sitting on an old but improbably comfortable couch I bought after the first waves of covid had broken, when flights were starting up again and my roommate was returning from his covid exile out of the country, I saw two notifications that two smaller bands I follow on bandcamp, Paint The Sky Red and DYAN, had released new singles. I was watching a youtube livestream from darksouls no-hit runner GinoMachino, who was doing a fairly casual run, and after the bi-weekly trashfuture stream, both of which were pleasant enough and kept me from listening to either release that day.

I am an early riser these days, far before my other flatmates – I might catch one of them still awake, if anything, but not today, and after listening to the new release of trashfuture’s podcast, from which I was kept in much the same way yesterday as I was kept from those newly released songs, I play DYAN’s new song on my phone. It’s a delight, reminding me enough of St. James, my favourite song of theirs (hers?) though it is six minutes, and my attention span is pretty shot despite trying to disengage from social media by and large, so my mind does wander. I follow a lot of smaller artists on bandcamp, more or less always expecting them to never be heard of after any given release, or even knowing for a fact that they’re long disbanded when I find them, so it’s always just a delightful surprise when one of them puts out something new. DYAN’s song is wonderful, but my phone doesn’t usually do her justice, so I move to my tiny room in which I have crammed a PC setup which finished its transition from fairly cutting edge to a bit ramshackle when I dashed a great curved monitor while setting up an ill-conceived loft bed which is sure to be an obstacle in future dating and missing one screw to really fasten its ladder. The monitor’s replaced with a 25€ one I got from a guy in some suburb via blocket (Swedish e-bay), and the price of those savings seems to be that it routinely cuts out by now. I can’t blame the guy because he had the presence of mind to throw in an adapter so I could actually wire my HDMI cable to the monitor and have it function, and someone like that wouldn’t knowingly sell me a failing monitor – it’s simply time’s toll, I think. What this setup does still include is one of those pretty good lower middle tier 2.1 logitech speaker systems – this one I got in person, they’re not substantively cheaper online – and thus this is the best justice I can to Tamat. I get ready to listen and read the description, where I see that it is to be their last album:

'Tamat' is both the name of our latest single and our upcoming album. It is a word from our native language, Malay, which means 'the end', 'completed' or 'finished'.

In late 2020, when the pandemic restrictions were being lifted, we immediately started working on new material for what would eventually be our last studio album. The decision to make it our last was something we had considered for a few years. Ultimately, the circumstances in our lives made us all agree that it was time to start writing the end of our story.

Thank you for your kind support all these years. From here on, each opportunity to perform or showcase our music will definitely be cherished as if it's our last.

Every journey has its end. Tamat.

It’s about 7:30, I’m in my room alone, and I spend the entire song sobbing, and just looking at the message again is making me tear up again. Listening to DYAN again is like a warm hug, though. I try to remember that it’s a bit of a gift that they’re doing another album, and them ending on their own terms is something to be cherished, but it doesn’t stop the cramped sobs, and though for one moment I remember that I could compose myself if I wanted to and almost involuntarily do so, they start singing – they’re almost if not entirely instrumental usually – and I let myself be carried off by the opening floodgates again. I hope my roommates don’t hear, so I try to be quiet – the vents carry weeping eerily well – but the music should drown it out, and listen a second time, sobbing just the same. I’m trying to play trackmania on the side – I’ve played it since I was a kid, and I think it’ll focus me enough to let me actually appreciate the music, but I’m sobbing all the same. I could compose myself enough to not weep through it, but I don’t know if I’ll be able to listen to the song properly anytime soon.

I was thinking, a while ago, about the strangeness of people who have some great revelatory moment and alter the course of their life, their outlook, or something, and it doesn’t make much sense to me, and I’m sure it’s a lot of self-narrativizing. But I could use a change, I want this moment to mean something, and I’ve got a ton of notes on stuff I want to write about laying about. Here’s to making sense of living in a subdued apocalypse.