#me personally if eddie diaz ever looked at me i would either cry or fall to the ground and roll around for a few minutes | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

tarlosbuddie · 4 years

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4K words, Angst, Hurt, gunshot wounds

Summary: Buck and Eddie have been dating for a year when Buck suggests they record videos for each other in case one of them dies.

“It’s weird Buck.” Eddie says. He turned his back on him and started doing the dishes. He put a lot of energy to his tasks, he was either trying his best to clean up a dirty plate, or he was mad about when Buck had just suggested.

Of course, Buck knew him enough to know it was the latter.

“It’s not weird, Eddie." Buck answered. He took a couple steps toward his boyfriend, keeping his tone calm because he could feel Eddie was upset. "Our job is dangerous and we both know we can die. We’ve just updated our will because we know the risk. I just want to make sure that if anything happens to me, you will have something better than a piece of paper saying that you can have my jeep and the few dollars I have at the bank.”

“Yeah. But a video? I don’t know. I just don’t want to think about losing you.”

“I don’t want to think about that either. But I just made one for Maddie, Chim and my niece and one for Christopher. If anything happens to me, I just want you to have something to remember me by.”

Eddie stopped cleaning and practically threw the sponge on the kitchen counter. He let his head down and sighed. He hated to think about losing Buck.

"You almost drowned last year." Buck added. He didn't want to talk about that ever again and saying those words hurted him as much as it hurted Eddie. "I remember every single minute of that day Eddie."

“It’s the day you told me you loved me," Eddie said. He will always remember lying in this ambulance, shaking from the cold and the adrenaline leaving his body, his best friend by his side. Buck was so quiet, so scared, and the words barely left his mouth, but he said them. He told Eddie he loved him on the ride to the hospital. The two of them had stayed silent all the rest of the way, stunned about the unplanned confession.

“It’s the day I almost lost you, Eddie." Buck remembered. "You went under and I thought you died. I thought I would lose you before I had a chance to tell you how I feel. I never want to relive something like that, but if something happens to one of us, I don't want to leave anything unsaid."

Eddie turned to face Buck. He wasn't the only one having a hard time with this conversation, Buck looked like he was about to cry. Eddie erased the distance between them and put his hands on Buck's cheeks.

"Please" the blond begged.

"Okay," Eddie agreed, he placed a tender kiss on his boyfriend's lips. "I'll do it. I'll make a video. But only because you're not allowed to die before I do."

(only) three weeks after that day.

The station was really quiet when Bobby entered the loft. They were halfway through a 24-hours shift. Hen and Chimney had turned the TV on but none of them were paying much attention to what’s playing. They were too exhausted to speak, but they were there for each other, even without saying a word. He finally understood the energy that it takes to be a parent, so he enjoyed the quiet moments as much as she did. She had offered to take his baby girl for a night, but he was already over protective of her. Every time her best friend’s phone buzzed, Hen knew he received a picture of his daughter. Karen and Maddie were having a playdate with their daughters. They hoped that both Nia and Joy would be as tired as their parents when they go home from their shift.

Buck and Eddie were catching some well-deserved rest in the bunker. They were officially together for almost a year, and Bobby was okay with it. He was not always happy about having a relationship in his house, but they both proved to him that they made an amazing team, they have always been. He trusted them to be professional and if Buck needed Eddie to be his pillow during their nap so he could be well rested on their call, it was none of Bobby’s business. The bed was way too small for two firefighters, but Buck had his head and most of his upper body on top of Eddie’s chest, enjoying his boyfriend's hands in his hair. Eddie was too nervous to fall asleep, but Buck was so relaxed he was drowsing. He could fall asleep anywhere as long as Eddie was by his sides.

The alarm rang and everyone was on their feet in a matter of seconds. Adrenaline replacing the exhaustion. They hopped in the truck and drove toward where the dispatcher operator was leading them. Buck vaguely recognized Josh’s voice through Bobby’s radio. He loved his sister, but it was always easier for him to focus on the job with another dispatcher. He remembered how terrified she was when he called her the day of the tsunami and he never wants to cause his sister such a scare again. The fire was in a huge warehouse, so it would probably take time to put it out, but dispatch said it was abandoned, which would make it easier to put it out when without having to worry about any civilian getting hurt. Josh stayed on the line to relay the information he had on the building. Bobby divided his teams in two, telling them to be on alert for possible victims, just in case the place was not as empty as they were told.

Eddie and Buck were the last to enter the building. They checked the east corner. Something seemed a little off about this place, but they are too focused on the fire to know what. The smoke was quite thick and they could barely see each other through it.

One of the rooms was locked and they needed to force it open to put the fire out.

“Bobby, I think we’ve located the source of the fire, but the door is locked.” Eddie called over his radio.

“Do you need help?”

“Buck’s on it.” Eddie replied, leaving the decision to send more men to his captain. “But whatever is behind this door it’s burning quickly, cap.”

“Copy that. I’m sending help your way”.

Buck got the door open and they both entered, trying to control the fire the best they could. Every box in the room was burning and it was hard to know where to start. But they quickly jumped into action. The men Bobby had sent have arrived and they all worked on controlling the fire. The fire was loud and they could barely hear each other. Eddie had his back turned on Buck for a second. He heard a small sound through the loud noise of all the boxes burning. The sound of metal pieces hitting the wall. He looked around, noticing shells flying over his head. The building was not abandoned, it was a warehouse full of ammunition.

When Eddie understood where they were it was too late. Buck was no longer behind him; he was lying on the floor, bleeding. Eddie’s whole world began to blur.

The man he loved when on the ground and Eddie couldn’t see the fire anymore, all he could focus on was the face of his boyfriend, in pain. He kneeled by his side and opened his turnout coat, noticing at least 3 holes in the material of the jacket. One of them didn’t get to him, but the others ripped the coat and found their way through Buck’s flesh. The injured man looked confused.

Everything happened too fast. The boxes he tried to put out were filled with bullets, and when the fire was hot enough for the powder ignite they flew off their shell cases and Buck was shot. The fire was not out yet, but Eddie could feel the heat anymore. All he could see through the helmet was the panic inside Buck's eyes. It hurted so much to see those gorgeous blue eyes he loved so much filling up with tears. The other firefighters tried to talk to Eddie but he didn't hear them. His hands were both on Buck's stomach, trying to stop the bleeding. He didn't even register that the flames were gone, he only noticed Chim and Hen appearing on his side and taking over and applying pressure to Buck's wound.

He didn't want to let go. He couldn't. He followed them in the ambulance, the feeling of déjà-vu was tearing him apart. He wiped a tear away from his boyfriend's cheek, but they kept falling. They were his. He didn't know when he started crying. And he couldn't stop.

That was the worst case scenario Buck had planned for. This is why he recorded a video three weeks before.

“I hope you’re watching this and thinking ‘Wow, he looks so young’ because that would mean you’re watching this, decades from now. Meaning that you and I grew old together, had a full life together. I want nothing more than to see you become an old grumpy grandpa who tells our grandkids about the time you and I saved someone’s life.”

The doctors took Buck away and Eddie felt like they took his heart out of his chest. He watched them disappearing with the man he loved more than life itself. The doors closed and Eddie felt his legs giving up under him. His knees met the floor before he realized what was going on. Hen and Chim held him up and guided him toward the nearest chair. He stayed silent. He knew his friends were worried about him, he could see it on their face. But he couldn’t care about anything but Buck at this moment. If they had tried to talk about it, he would have blamed the exhaustion from their shift. Buck couldn’t die. He wasn’t allowed to die before him.

“I love you, Eddie Diaz. So much that a part of me wishes you’re watching this. Because if you are, it means that I’m the one who died, in two days or 40 years I don’t know, but it also means that I've never lost you. That no matter how long my life was, I spent all of it by your side.”

They waited so long to be together, too long, probably. Eddie refused to accept that he only had one year with the man he loved so much. They were supposed to have a lifetime together to make up for the lost time. He started wringing his hands, picking the skin where blood was starting to dry. He couldn’t look at anything else but his hands.

“You're not the man in my dreams Eddie, cause I could've never dreamed of finding one person that makes me so happy, I didn't think I deserved it. You proved me wrong. You turned my life into a dream I didn't dare to have.”

Eddie had plans for the three of them, so many plans. When Buck mentioned the video, Eddie hated the idea of thinking about their death. But if he was honest, it loved the idea of Buck making plans for their future. The video was proof that they were together until the very end. Buck had no doubt that they would; it was a “til death do us part” situation. So Eddie knew that day in the kitchen when he was kissing his boyfriend, that he wouldn’t be his boyfriend for much longer. Soon he would make him his husband.

Eddie’s fingers circled his empty ring finger, the emptiness on his hand echoing with the void he was feeling inside his chest. That wasn’t how things were supposed to go. His brain was planning now for the worst scenarios. He was a field medic. He knew how bad Buck’s condition was. Every time he saw a doctor coming toward his direction, he imagined them telling him that he lost someone he loved, again.

“You made a dad out of me, and I love our son so much. I love you two with all my heart and I loved every second I spent with you. You and Chris didn't just show me how to be a better man, you showed me how to live, to love.”

Hours went by without any news on Buck’s condition. Chimney and Hen had to go back to the station to finish their shift. Chimney couldn’t tell Maddie over the phone, especially when they had no news on Buck, nothing any of them could do to help him. He promised Eddie he would bring Maddie to the hospital as soon as he could, but he was pretty sure Eddie didn’t listen to anything he or Hen had said after the doctors took Buck away. Except for the tears he shed in the ambulance without even realising it, Eddie hadn’t cried. He stopped responding to them. They both worried about him, but had no choice but to leave him.

“I don't know how I lived the first 26 years of my life without you in it. I only know that I would do everything all over again if this leads me back to you.”

Their shift was officially over now and Carla was probably waiting for them to go pick Christopher up. He thought about his son and the conversation he was not ready to have with him.

Eddie replayed every moment of the fire in his mind, trying to understand how he could have missed it. He didn’t have Buck’s back. He might lose him because he didn’t protect him like he promised to. The images of Buck, bleeding, wouldn’t leave him. The pain, the terror, the agony. He dug his nails harder against his skin, trying to get rid of these images.

“No matter what will happen, I need you to remember you are not alone.”

Bobby was the first to arrive at the hospital at the end of the shift. Eddie was in the same chair he was when Chimney and Hen left. He hasn’t moved. Bobby knelt by his side, to force Eddie to look at him. The man was still covered in Buck’s blood. He must have touched his face to dry his tears, cause they were blood under his eyes and cheeks too.

“Eddie, why don’t we go clean yourself a little?” Bobby said in his most paternal tone.

“Buck needs me to have his back.” Eddie sounded confused, like he was on the field with him all over again. His voice was more broken than he wanted to show and Bobby looked at him with pity. So Eddie cleared his voice before saying in a more confident tone that would hopefully get Bobby’s out of his back; “I’m not leaving him.”

“You’re not leaving.” His captain reassured him, he took both Eddie’s hands in his. “We’re just getting you clean, okay?”

“You’re the strongest person I know. But don’t try to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders. Don’t try to be a tough guy. Don’t push people away.”

Bobby tried to help Eddie’s back on his feet to guide him to the bathroom, but Eddie removed his hands from Bobby’s grip. He followed his captain to the bathroom in silence. The vision in the mirror was horrible, yet Eddie couldn’t care less. The two of them didn’t exchange a word as they watched Buck’s blood disappearing down the sink. The absence of reaction from Eddie was worrying Bobby.

“That’s it.” He said. “You don’t want Buck to see you with all the blood when he’ll wake up.”

“The patronizing tone might work on Buck, but I’m not him, Bobby. And I know what his chances are. I know how to take care of myself, I don't need a babysitter.” Eddie snapped. Bobby tried not to be offended by his tone. He knew Eddie wasn’t angry at him. “He might not wake up and we both know that.”

“I’m sure he will, Eddie” Bobby said, he knew better than to promise him anything. Hen and Chimney told him how bad the situation was and he couldn’t promise things would be okay. “Have you called Carla?

Eddie shook his head. He dried his hands with the paper towels and threw them before leaving the bathroom.

“Do you want me to do it? To ask her to bring Christopher here?”

“What am I going to tell him?”

“Tell him the truth. Tell him that Buck is fighting. He’s strong, Eddie. If someone can survive this, it’s Buck.”

“I don’t know if I can tell him that we might lose Buck. He’s been through enough already.”

“Christopher’s gonna need you to be strong for him. You think you can do that?”

Eddie nodded. He was already doing his best not to fall apart. But it took Bobby advice. They went back to the waiting room, Bobby called Carla to let her know what was going on.

“You’re allowed to feel whatever you want to feel. It’s okay to be angry, it’s okay to cry. I know you and Chris have each other, and I know you are gonna be okay eventually cause that boy is as strong as his dad. The idea of not being with you guys is hurting me in so many ways, but I just know deep in my bones that you two can do everything as long as you are together. Be there for each other, but don’t hide your pain. I know you always have a hard time letting your guard down, but if something happens to me, I don’t want you to bury your feelings Eddie.”

Twenty minutes after Bobby’s call, Carla arrived at the hospital with Christopher. He rushed toward his dad as soon as he entered the hospital, letting his crushes fall on the floor when he saw his dad. Eddie could bottle his emotion pretty well, he has done it after Shannon’s death, but he couldn’t fool Christopher. Seeing his son made it too real and he did his best not to fall apart.

“Are you okay dad? Carla said Buck was hurt and you look sad.” The boy asked.

Eddie looked up to Bobby and thought about his advice. His boss told him to be strong for his son.

“Show Christopher that he can be sad. He needs to know that boys can cry.”

“I am sad.” He admitted to his son only, he felt uncomfortable having to say these words in front of Bobby and Carla but there was no way he could hide his feelings from his son. He didn’t want to. Thanks to his therapy with Frank and some conversations with Buck he knew better than to force himself to be strong. “Very sad. You know how much I love Buck. I know you do too.”

“Is he going to be okay?”

“I hope so. I really do. But I can’t promise you something I don’t know.” Eddie confessed.

“Last week you told me Buck was going to be with us forever.” Christopher said. His little voice was shaking. He already knew what losing a parent felt like.

“I asked you if you would want for me and Buck to be together forever.”

Bobby overheard the conversation, and understood what Eddie had asked his son. He took Carla’s arm and took a few steps back to leave the Diaz have their privacy.

“And I said yes, daddy.” The kid said with so much sadness that Eddie’s tears were flooding his face again. “You said that if Buck said yes too we’ll be a family forever. I don’t want Bucky to die please.”

“I don’t want that either, baby. But that’s not in our control.”

“I hope that by the time you’re watching this, he’s a grown man. Maybe he even has a son of his own. Can you imagine the two of us, in the hospital, holding our grandson for the first time? I know I can. When it comes to us, I can picture our future, so clearly.”

Chris came on Eddie’s lap and buried his face in his father’s arm. Eddie could feel his son crying against him.

“You're the love of my life, Eddie. You're my favorite person, my future, my… everything.”

A nurse came toward them, Eddie braced himself for the conversation he was going to have.

“You’re Mr Buckley’s family?” he asked them.

“We are.” Eddie answered standing up to meet the nurse, Christopher stayed by his side, grabbing his dad’s coat with all his strength.

“It was a tough surgery and Mr Buckley lost a lot of blood.”

“And if I died, know that I died the happiest man on earth cause I get to be loved by you.”

Eddie felt like he was gonna pass out, but the nurse gave him a reassuring smile.

“He’s going to be okay.” the nurse said.

“It was all worth it Eddie. You were worth it."

“He is?” Eddie needed to be sure.

“He is. Your dad is very strong, little man.” The nurse told Christopher. “He’s asleep, but we’ll move him in a room so you two can see him”.

“He’s alive.” Eddie repeated. “He’s alive”. He let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding in.

He’s alive, and Eddie didn’t have to listen to the video that day. He hoped he would have never to. Eddie would do anything in his power to never see the day where he’d sit in a room and listen to Buck’s last words. He wanted so many things for their family and he swore to himself that he would stop wasting their precious time.

Christopher stopped crying, but seeing Buck on a hospital bed still, made his heart clenched in his chest. Eddie wanted him to go home with Carla but he refused to go anywhere until his Buck was awake. He really was his fathers’ son. Eddie laid his son on the couch against the wall. He tucked his son with the covers the nurse brought them and kissed his son, telling him that he would wake him up when Buck would be awake. He sat in the chair near the bed and took Buck’s hand in his.

A few hours went by until the anesthesia wore off. Eddie could feel Buck’s fingers slowly moving against his hand. He used his other hand and brushed a strand of hair from Buck’s face.

“That’s it, baby. Come back to us.”

When he opened his eyes, Eddie could see they were still glassy and full of pain. He hated to see Buck that way.

"I'm not dead...” Buck started to cheer Eddie up a little. “...yet." he added to lighten the mood.

Eddie shook his head. He was too emotionally drained to laugh and he knew that if he had any tears left he would be crying again. Buck squeezed his hand, reminding him that he was still here.

“Someone told me I wasn’t allowed to die.”

“Never” Eddie said. He placed a kiss on Buck’s forehead. He could see that Buck was struggling to stay awake, so he didn’t wake Christopher up. Buck would be okay, and they would have all the time in the world to be together.

"You saved me.” Buck said before closing his eyes.

"I didn't.” Eddie replied. He was sure Buck had fallen asleep already. So he sat back in his chair, never letting go of Buck’s hand.

"You and Chris did.” Buck whispered. “You gave me a reason to fight.”

"I love you so much." he said to an already asleep Buck. That's exactly what he told him one year before. Except that he was the one lying in a hospital bed last time and Buck was the one holding his hand. But one year ago, Eddie confessed his feeling back to Buck and they have been happy ever since. Because through the best or the worst, they were together.

Yeah, one day he would make him his husband, Eddie swore to himself. But for now they just fall back to sleep, knowing they would have a future together.

#Buddie #Buddie fic #my fics #my stuff #evan buckley #eddie diaz

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florenceandthemachine · 4 years

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soft eddie prompt? you got it! sleepy eddie???? just sleepy eddie, i don’t care what u do but i just want sleepy tactile eddie and i want him to get all the love and appreciation he deserves

Anonymous said:

How about soft sleepy Eddie, early in a morning with Buddie and Christopher either still asleep or at a sleepover???

GREAT MINDS THINK ALIKE YALL

please enjoy 1.5k of soft, sleepy, touch starved Eddie.

some things never sleep on AO3

Tuesdays, by far, were Buck’s favorite days.

Tuesdays were the magical days where Buck and Eddie were both off shift.

Tuesdays were the wonderful days where Chris had a late start at school.

Which meant, best of all, the best thing in the world—

Tuesdays were days that Buck and Eddie got to sleep in.

Buck had learned, very early in their relationship—before they had said the L word, before they had moved in together, and before Buck had the familiar weight of an engagement ring on his finger—that there were very few things that Eddie valued more than he and Christopher. And that made him all warm and fuzzy inside, sure.

But sleep… well, Buck was well aware that for Eddie, sleep was a close second.

Buck honestly had never had a relationship before where “sleeping together” actually meant falling asleep in a bed together and waking up together before it meant fucking, but that definitely wasn’t the only way that Eddie was a first for him. Honestly, though, Buck wouldn’t change it for the world.

He got to wake up every morning with Eddie, secure in his arms (and god, that had blown his mind, when Eddie had mentioned in a way that very much was not as subtle as Eddie had hoped, that if Buck ever wanted to be the big spoon, well, he would be okay with that).

Eddie liked being the little spoon. Who would have fucking thought it?

Buck knew himself pretty well—he knew that while he was a very, very physically affectionate person, it was unlikely that he was going to get that same amount of affection back in a relationship, especially in any of his relationships with men. And don’t get him wrong, he loved any skin on skin contact with Eddie, but not enough to risk jeopardizing their tentative friendship, or beginning of a relationship, with the amount of hugs and affection he preferred.

He should have known he didn’t have to worry about that—as soon as Eddie had deemed him a safe source of tired cuddling, he became the first person that Buck sought out when he was feeling even moderately tired, resting his head against the space in between Buck’s shoulder blades, using any part of him as a pillow, regardless of where they were or which teammates were watching.

(“Buck, no one's concerned about the cuddling.” Hen had told him one night, while Eddie was batting away at something in the gym with Chim, and he and Hen were tossing cards around on one of the collapsable tables. “Honestly, the only issue comes when you're both on different shifts. He turns into grumpy cat. It’s annoying.”

“You know who grumpy cat is?”

“That is not the point, Buck.”)

As much as Eddie loved sleep, Buck loved waking up even more. Waking up meant he got to press kisses against Eddie’s neck, got to tighten his arms around Eddie’s waist, got to witness first hand the half hour between sleep and full alertness where Eddie was… well, where he was adorable. Not that Buck would ever admit that.

No, he would take that secret to his grave.

When they had first gotten together, Buck had actually assumed that Eddie was a morning person. He was up with the sun, almost every morning. He could go from asleep to awake in a frighteningly short amount of time. He didn’t even need coffee to get his day going—he could literally just open his eyes and roll out of bed.

Buck thought, more or less, that Eddie was at least part android.

The first time things had changed was also the first time that Eddie had a nightmare while Buck was over, weirdly enough. One moment, Buck had been on his back, with Eddie curled up against his side, using his chest as a pillow while Buck flipped through the last few pages of his book, the next, Eddie was ramrod straight, his breathing tight and labored, body a weird combination of stiff and shivering.

Worse than the nightmare, though, was how Eddie acted when it was over. The flailing, okay, the initial shout, that was fine, but having Eddie crying? Telling Buck that it was okay for him to go, that he deserved someone less broken? Well, that was un fucking acceptable, and he made that point more than clear when he wrapped Eddie in his arms and dove back into bed.

(“You make me feel safe.” Eddie had confessed after his tear tracks had dried, lying on Buck’s chest, barely audible over the steady sound of the Santa Ana winds against the window. “I just… I feel safe when you hold me like this, when I’m in your arms.” Buck hadn’t responded—hadn’t needed to—he just tightened his hold on the other male, face buried in Eddie’s shorter hair.)

The next morning was the first time that Buck had ever woken up before Eddie, and he took extreme advantage of it—he kissed every inch of Eddie’s head and neck he could get to, he tightened his arms around Eddie’s middle, he made all sorts of adorable noises against Eddie’s mop of hair while sun spilled in through the window.

If Buck had known what he would be encouraging—nay, unleashing—he would have done this all so much sooner.

Buck was still, regularly, the first to wake up. And Eddie’s hair may have been shorter now, but that didn’t mean Buck couldn’t nuzzle into it whenever he woke up.

All of the other physical affection, though… that came from Eddie, even in sleep.

Eddie was a fucking koala.

It didn’t matter how they fell asleep—side by side, chest to chest, curled in with one another, hell, even when they were in separate bunks in the station—Buck almost always woke up with Eddie completely tangled up with him, wether it was just holding Buck’s arms with his own and looping their legs together, or finding himself completely wrapped up in Eddie’s limbs, nose buried in the hollow of Buck’s neck or the dip right in Buck’s collarbone.

The nights where they fell asleep chest to chest were the absolute worst, though; not because Buck didn’t like waking up with Eddie’s lips in kissing distance, because Eddie madE the saddest, sleepiest, little pouts when Buck tried to wake him up. It was nearly impossible to actually get to work on time when he had an Eddie in his arms that looked like he was about to cry if Buck actually wanted them to both join the land of the living.

Because worse than Eddie’s clingy fucking octopus tendencies—

(as if any of that was actually a bad thing)

—was that when it came to getting up, Eddie was a fucking child.

Like, a bigger child than Chris.

“Come on, Eds, we gotta get up.” Buck murmured, lips pressing along Eddie’s temple, settling right at the center of his forehead as Eddie let out a whine.

“I know, you big baby.” Buck tried again, with no heat in his voice, as Eddie let out a string of unintelligible curses and buried his face in Buck’s throat.

He tossed the blankets off of them, feeling Eddie grip around his waist even tighter, feeling oddly pleased with himself as Eddie groaned into his skin, finally working on real words. “Buck, noooo. It’s Tuesday. We sleep on Tuesdays.”

“I know we do, Eddie,” Buck started, finally working himself into a sitting position, Eddie melting down the front of his body until Buck’s lap became a pillow, Eddie’s arms easily wrapping around his middle.

Buck sighed as he rubbed along Eddie’s back, kissing his head as he leaned over and playfully swatted his flank, grinning at the surprised groan he got in response. “You gotta let me go so I can make breakfast. I’ll make your favorite waffles, but I gotta get started on them now.”

“You can’t leave, Buck, I’m your fiancé. That’s not fair. Fuck the waffles.”

Oh, it was a ‘fuck breakfast’ kind of morning.

“Eds—”

“I don’t want waffles, I just want you.”

Damn it, Buck knew he was going to regret it, but he had to look at Eddie’s face, the sad sounds only amplified by the image of Eddie rubbing his eyes, looking legitimately like he was about to cry.

Buck had fallen for that many, many times before. And he probably would fall for it many, many times in the future.

Finally cracking under pressure, Buck resorted to the big guns, his voice low and slow as he laced his arms beneath Eddie’s. He alternated between speaking and kissing where he could, pulling the other male into a sitting position, more or less in Buck’s lap. “Cmon, Eds. I’ll tell you what. Let’s get up, get Chris some breakfast, go for a nice walk along the greenbelt he loves, drop him off at school, and then we can spend the entire afternoon wrapped up with one another on the couch. You can take a nap, I’ll let you pass out on me, and I’ll order out for dinner so I don’t have to get up before Chris comes home with Carla.”

Buck really hated using Chris against Eddie like that, but it was the easiest way to get Eddie to pretend to be a functioning adult in the moments between sleep and a fully-oxygenated brain. He almost thought that he won their regular battle when Eddie finally leaned back against his chest with a happy sigh, tilting Buck’s head down for an easy, good morning kiss, eyes heavy and half lidded. And fuck, Eddie was always beautiful, but there was something about him in the early morning, soft and pliable and so loving that made Buck’s heart fucking ache, especially in the —where Eddie opened hs mouth and really just put the final nail in the coffin.

“I love you, Evan soon-to-be-Diaz.”

(It was another twenty minutes before they left the bed.

Buck had absolutely no regrets.)

#eddie diaz #evan buckley #soft eddie diaz #sleeping together #dreams and nightmares #bed sharing #they're in love your honor #911 #buddiefic #fluff #flospeaks #floresponds

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himbo-buckley · 4 years

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INTIMACY, SEX AND BUDDIE (BETTER KNOWN AS I HAVE A LOT OF FEELINGS ABOUT THIS SHOW, SOME OF WHICH ARE RELATED TO THE BEFORE MENTIONED TOPICS) - Part 3

Well, hello there (again)!

 I got to say, this was both my favourite and least favourite part to write because by now all my theories are (hopefully) explained enough that I can just ramble about the characters and connections and ya’ll will forgive me if I stray away from what’s actually happening in this episode. Which I will do. A lot actually.

On the other hand side I have so many thoughts about what’s happening and this is gonna be long af as I started writing on part three at the same time as I wrote part 1 and 2 and I barely found things to cut, which means we are clocking in at a casual 7700 words. So maybe get that drink now, cause it’ll be a ride!

Also the links to part one and part two

And look, by now you probably know the drill but I’m just gonna give you my preface again:

This meta was supposed to be a lot shorter and only talk about how both Buck and Eddie use sex to distract their respective partners from whatever topic they actually wanted to talk about but since I decided to rewatch the show to make sure I don’t miss any such scenes, it has exploded a bit and taken on more topics

I should also mention that I am a Buddie shipper and while I tried, you will find several references and arguments for the ship in this Meta, not all of which necessarily call for a romantic pairing but just: These two are deeply connected and you cannot look at one without discussing the other and they are each other’s strongest emotional connection.

I should also preface this by saying that the whole of the 118 has some obvious intimacy / commitment issues except Bobby (which is sort of surprising) but *John Mulaney voice* we don’t have time to unpack all of that!

On another note I cuss a little in this Meta because my parents let me listen to TicTacToe as a small child and after that it never stuck that cussing is wrong so, uhm, parental supervision is advised or something

This Meta will so far have FOUR parts now. The original plan was to do three, one for each Season and is organised by episode so you could technically follow along, but due to personal reasons, also known as *feelings*, Season 3 has already exploded disproportionately and for readability reasons I have split it in two (this is part three, the cut will happen after Christmas, it works storyline-wise)

And now, for our next instalment of I read too much into things: Season 3A (also called: „Eddie Diaz, stop being such a boy scout (Wait, no, not like that!)“)

Episode 3.01:

911 as a show has a fairly interesting way of storytelling where it sometimes feels a little like they cut together snapshots of lives in regards to certain topics. And because of that you only ever see a small part of the lives of the characters. That being said: I hate hate hate how 5 months passed between the Season 2 final and the first episode of Season 3 and aside from a few offhand remarks we get virtually nothing. Also it’s very unrealistic that Bobby and Athena didn’t have any parties for 5 months, like nope, I don’t believe you show!

That being said, I appreciate how much time it took Buck to heal because it’s realistic! And also most importantly gets Oliver Stark a chance to truly shine!

I wanna take this chance real quick, to thank the producers and writer both for writing Evan Buckley the way they write him and for casting Oliver Stark to play him because omg, it works so well! Look, Oliver Stark is attractive. He is buff and handsome, but he is not perfect. He is Tinder-buff, not MCU-I haven’t seen a drop of water in a month-buff, he’s the kind of fit that will fill the whole screen one minute and make you say „Wait, I thought he was wider than this!“ the next (you know how everyone always talks about the hips to shoulder ration of Chris Evans? Yeah, the opposite of that) . And he has a really pretty face but his nose is a little too cocked and he has scars and there’s the „adorable facemark“ and he seems so damn dorky which is exactly why Evan „Buck“ Buckley works, why he is hot. And he gets to be emotional and sensitive and caring on top of that and yeah, I don’t know if I wanna be him or date him anymore either. Like he singlehandedly made me rethink my view on dating, just because I am hoping for someone like him.

Anyways, that’s probably something none of you wanted to read about in a META so we’ll get to the juicy stuff now, alright?

One thing that I realised as I watched season 3 for the third time just now is how often it repeats itself. It feels a bit stagnant at times, the way the characters make two steps forward and one step back all the time, most notably in Bobby.

I wanna talk about Bobby for once because you can not look at Buck in Season 3 without looking at Bobby as well. These two characters are connected the same way Buck is connected to Eddie. Most things Buck does character wise in Season 3 are caused by Bobby’s actions, in the same way most of Eddie’s are caused by Buck.

And the thing that 3.01 tells us from the get go? Bobby thinks of Buck as somewhat of a son (which we knew already) and Bobby sees himself in Buck, which is why he does what he probably hoped someone would have done for him the 10 or something years ago when he hurt is back and holds him back. There is also the fact that he tries to teach Buck to have a life outside the firehouse, though that is something he probably should at some point in the near future actually voice to Buck, because Buck on his own can not draw these conclusions from Bobby’s actions. Buck on his own thinks it’s about him not being good enough and so he works himself to the bone to try and proof otherwise. (Someone please just finally tell him what a good boy he is? Yeah?)

As for the scene during the party, you could actually see how much Buck had to force himself to be that open and that vulnerable with Bobby (and not just because he is *literally* having an embolism) and that hurts because to this day Buck has not realised that Bobby will always be there to catch him. Buck still thinks he needs to proof himself to Bobby because of his firing in Season 1. And would you believe I actually cried a little typing these words?

And now I’m gonna talk about my agenda, also known as Buddie real quick, and point you toward the fact that while we have seen Eddie be vulnerable with Buck and Buck be vulnerable with everyone else we have not seen Buck be audibly vulnerable with Eddie and I do not think this is a coincident at all.

Look, Eddie is a guarded guy, right? He has a hard time being vulnerable, a hard time asking for help, a hard time giving up control. But he does all these things with Buck and he does them willingly and with barely an outside push, which is different to say with Bobby. Eddie let’s himself fall with Buck and by doing so raises Buck’s self worth and gives him the feeling of being in control Buck craves so much (while Eddie sort of despises it because he feels like he always has to be the one in control), but it also means that Buck is afraid to let himself fall with Eddie because it might mean Eddie won’t trust him again. Buck generally is a very emotional guy and he doesn’t seem afraid to voice his weaknesses, in fact he is probably too aware of them and too willing to let others poke at them, except with Eddie. With Eddie Buck always tries for strong, because he knows Eddie needs him to be and because he thinks, if he’s not, Eddie will see what everyone else saw and leave him. On Eddie’s side I do think by now he is more than willing to catch Buck and still let himself be caught in return. At least at this point.

(also, if we do ever get Buddie I could see a reverse of the Shannon-Eddie situation happening where Eddie is the one being open and Buck has a hard time being emotionally vulnerable, afraid it’ll scare Eddie off and he’ll leave like everyone else.)

But then, one could also point out that Eddie probably knows all the things going on with Buck anyways because I truly think they know each other inside out and are two feathers of the same bird and same recognises same and all that - it’s just that Buck is someone who needs to actually voice his feelings to deal with them, so unless he voices his vulnerabilities to Eddie, for him, the other guy doesn’t know them. (Except Eddie does know.) (and man, I wish the rest of the 911 would finally figure out that with Buck you always - always - have to say things! You can’t just imply. You can’t think your actions speak loud enough. You need to actually use your words and do so in a way that leaves no doubt because that boy thinks so little of himself and he will make himself doubt every nice thing that ever happens to him.)

Now, moving back to what’s actually happening in the episode and why all of this is important:

We have the very important talk in the Station were text points out some of the things I just said and Eddie realises that he needs to do better, so he pulls a Buck and steamrolls him. (also do we truly believe that Carla was out of the country? Do we? Do we not think Eddie spent the whole ride over coaching his son on lying to his best friend because Eddie is just like that?)

Also I love how before this Maddie is talking to Josh and she says something along the lines of wether she should push Buck or coddle him and it cuts to Eddie trying the first.

On Eddie’s side of this meta we somewhat learn where Eddie’s issues stem from and it’s of course Daddy issues because this show loves them very much. (Seriously, out of 5 firefighters 3 have confirmed absent fathers causing issues and one has it heavily implied. Tim Minear, do you wanna talk?)

Also, Ramon Diaz probably threw in a „real men don’t cry“ with his macho speech about just brushing shit off and thereby emotionally crippling his child further, because he seems cliche like that.

Sidenote: The Buck and Christopher relationship is so beautiful and important and „Some cool outfits, too.“ is one of my favourite lines, though I do have to say - as someone who works professionally with kids - that this is what really shows how much Eddie truly thinks of Buck and how much he trusts him because it’s safe to assume that Buck has never been alone with Christopher or any child for longer and has never had to take care of one by himself and yet Eddie just trusts him to take care of his son for what is probably a 24h shift. Truly magnificent. An unparalleled relationship. So meaningful.

Episode 3.02:

No actual relevance but I do wanna point out that the thing about the mom being the love of boat guys life but her son being her’s? Yeah, that’s Eddie (and Buck).

Also, Buck’s just a natural at being a dad (not because of the fun stuff but the stuff when he knew exactly how to distract Christopher when those bodies floated by) and at some point I need Eddie to point this out to him and I need him to voice his jealousy about it, because Eddie? Not a natural dad.

(I actually think that is something that is true about a lot of things for these two. I mean yes, Buck is a hard worker but I think only in areas he is already naturally gifted (remember that whole thing with the Seals? “You just have to be badass, which I am?”) and he generally doesn’t try if things don’t come naturally because Buck hates failure because Buck already feels like a failure. Meanwhile Eddie seems like the kind of guy who has this huge capacity for learning, so even if something doesn’t come naturally to him (like fatherhood) he has the determination and willingness to try and try again until he finally gets it right and is perfect because Eddie, too, hates failure.) (And now I wanna see more about their childhoods because I could actually see Buck be somewhat of a gifted child in his youth who never learned how to actually apply himself and because of that has always been told he had so much wasted potential while Eddie was either an overarchiver or a slacker, I’m sorry I don’t make the rules. Or maybe I am projecting.)

Episode 3.03:

I read somewhere on tumblr that Ryan Guzman and his wife thought Eddie and Lena would be a thing and where actually on board and I was like? No?

I mean I do love the way she takes one look at him and decides he needs his ego checked (and also Eddie is like: ui, me like-y! (maybe because he misses another person that used to be an asshole to him right off the bat?)).

Also love all the references to Eddie being in the army („The 118 is huffing it“-scene comes to mind). Again, kudos to Ryan Guzman for always acting with all his body, because you can always feel the army training in his posture like the way he usually stands just a little bit straighter than everyone else (well, at least that’s what it looks like to me, someone who has not been in the Army and knows only like two people that got drafted and no one who went willingly, because my country generally doesn’t do that these days ).

As for what is happening in the episode, I think it’s a reference to Shannon that Eddie dealt with that couple that, despite loving each other a lot and getting along fairly well, decided to get divorced. Which is what 911 should have done with Shannon. (Me being salty about Shannon? It’s more likely than you think.)

I also think it’s a nice parallel the way both Lena and Buck are so desperate to search for their missing loved one with no regard for their own safety and I’m assuming Eddie saw Buck in Lena’s actions as well, which is why he trusts her so fast. (Because Eddie just like Buck is looking for connection and intimacy but Eddie is even worse at creating it than Buck, so he just tries to recreate the one working bond he truly has.) (Something actually proven in text by Eddie: becoming a firefighter because he misses the army.)

And I know everyone and their mother has already pointed out how Eddie was not worried about Chris at all because his son was with Buck and he knows Buck would never let anything bad happen to his son ever.

Which is why *that* scene is even more heartbreaking, because Eddie has so much trust in his Buck and kudos to Ryan Guzman because man, the way you see Eddie steel himself for what Buck is saying? The way you can feel him pulling himself together because Buck needs him to hear this. (Look, the scene is about a father learning from the person he trusts most in the world that his son might be dead and they could have easily forshadowed Eddie’s fighting ark by having him react negatively and violently here but instead he stays calm because it’s Buck and Buck for once needs him to be the one in control - also, on a less ship-y note because Eddie’s world is falling apart right there and he needs to keep in control because if he doesn’t, he will probably never be again.)

Which brings us to that scene in the loft, and listen, I know I said at the end of part 2 Eddie barely had any character development in the two seasons since we met him, but uhm, this scene? Proves he had some development, because right then right there he is so fucking vulnerable with Buck. It is of course part of him being a protector because just like with Shannon in 2.04 he realises that this is was Buck needs him to be right now, so vulnerable it is.

I do think however that it’s beautiful how Eddie apparently took the time during a fucking natural disaster to figure out that Evan Buckley needs him to use his actual words, so use his actual words he does.

And I do wanna point out that this is something he never had with Shannon, Eddie was never able to figure out what is wife of what? 7-8 years needed of him but he does know what his best friends needs. And wether that is just Buddie or just plain old character development, remains to be seen.

(Though we should mention that it wasn’t a permanent thing, Eddie does fail Buck a few times in Season 3 (but he also doesn’t a few other times) but we’ll get to that when we get to that!)

Also, honourable mention to Maddie Buckley-Kendall for getting that phone call and probably nearly dying of a heart attack and then having to race to the VA thinking the worst and probably imagining her very selfless brother either being already gone by the time she gets there or close to dead - only to probably arrive there and see Christopher in a bed with Eddie sitting next to him and Buck sitting vigil a few feet away because he doesn’t think he deserves to be with the Diaz’s anymore but he also can’t bear to part from them!

And another mention to the poor stranger who probably never got their phone back.

Also a teeny bit mad they forgot to give Oliver scars on his legs.

Episode 3.04

First of all I gotta say Eddie is such a boy scout goody two shoes with his whole „Well, it’s mandated!“ (also he’s been probably hanging out with Buck a buncha times in whatever many weeks passed since the Tsunami and therefore knew how hard his best friend worked on this and he’s gonna be supportive, kay?)

That being said, remember when I talked about two steps forward, one step back? Yeah, that.

As for the lawsuit, look, we could argue all day on wether it was justified or not, but I personally do think Buck had a basis. But he was also acting rash and hadn’t thought all the implications through and should have used his words instead, but quick reminder: Buck has severe abandonment issues and he has problems with emotional intimacy - so the whole talking about it? Not that easy.

Also, imagine working for months to come back to work, the one thing you think you’re good at and thinking you have everyone’s support only to find out the person you love like a father has betrayed you, probably with the knowledge of everyone else. Yeah, you’d lash out too!

Even though, I have to point out it’s not his normal MO (which is why we see him regret it almost immediately in the next episode).

As for Eddie in this episode, he has not one, not two, not three, but four whole conversations about feelings! You go buddy-boy. Embrace that character development! Don’t take a step back! … or, nevermind, we all know what happens next.

That being said I think it’s interesting that while Chimney clearly confides in him, Eddie does not confide in him in return but rather talks to female!Buck. I mean, talking about his struggles with his son and his family worked with him and Buck so why not with him and Lena (cause Lena isn’t Buck).

I do think Eddie and Chimney are close, but Eddie just doesn’t feel the same connection to him as he feels to Buck.

As for Eddie being so beautifully open and vulnerable with his son and saying like the exact opposite of what he had been taught: Eddie loves his son. He loves his son more than anything in the world. And if Eddie can’t let himself be vulnerable with him, who can he be vulnerable with? Especially when it helps Christopher.

(Also, Eddie by now recognises what is wrong with him, he just doesn’t think he can change it but he can prevent it from happening to his child.)

Episode 3.05:

This episode has a lot of shit happening and I have a lot of thoughts, most of which are relevant to the episode. But we’re gonna start slow, ease you in:

Boy do I love overprotective Dad!Eddie! How long do you think did it took Carla and Christopher to convince Eddie to let Chris sleep over at his friends? A month?

In other news Buck is just the picture of regret during the deposition and yeah, he should be. The whole thing is harsh. Never sue your friends, no matter how justified, if you want them to stay your friends! But it’s so obvious Buck didn’t know it was gonna go down this way because he did not think this through at all.

First off: Remember how in part 2 I said Buck and Eddie’s storylines were connected and how earlier I said Buck was the catalyst for Eddie like Bobby was for Buck?

Yeah, that’s the episode for all of this.

It’s not as obvious as in Season 2 because usually it happens over two episodes but it’s no coincident that after last episode Bobby triggered that shift in Buck, Eddie is now suddenly careering out of control as well - it’s because Buck is his catalyst, his *trigger*.

Please watch 3.04 and 3.05 back to back and tell me Eddie doesn’t make a 180 between those episodes. He goes from worried about his son to punching people in parking lots. What changed? Well, he could no longer talk to Buck. And Buck is his anker and his catalyst, the one person he doesn’t have to be in control with (which he really could use considering what he is going through with Christopher). And when you take that away he spirals. (Also there is the deposition where his best friend betrays him by talking about his dead for less than a year - wife, a topic Eddie has been avoiding in regards to his feelings since … well, the day it happened, probably.)

And I’m not saying the whole street fighting thing wouldn’t have happened if Eddie wasn’t such a boy scout and said, screw the chain of command and just called Buck to bail him out, but that’s what I’m implieing.

Also the scene between Eddie and Lena, I mean, I’ve already talked about it somewhere else but I do wanna point you to the way it is phrased: Eddie „wasn’t allowed“ to call Buck. Meaning he wanted to. But you know: Boy Scout.

Now, let’s talk about the grocery store fight because I have so many thoughts!

And what I love about these two episodes, as well as the next one, is that they show both the connection Buddie has as well as the contrasts between them:

One of the biggest differences in Buddie is how they deal with fear and obstacles and it is visible throughout all their lives and specifically these three episodes.

Evan Buckley is a force of nature, he is a fighter, he sets a goal and he reaches this goal with a single minded focus, steamrolling through everything in his way until he reaches said goal. Just look at the lawsuit and remember how his original plan was to get everyone to sign a letter of support for him.

When something frightens him, Buck doesn’t run away he runs right into it, tries to destroy it or be destroyed. He fights. And if that doesn’t work, he finds a way around the problem, but always going head to head with the thing because Evan Buckley is very determined and very self destructive.

Just look at the way he held onto Abby for nearly a year after she had left: Instead of dealing with his feelings of abandonment and the fact that the woman he loved left him, that boy dug his heel in and fought tooth and nail to keep what little he had left of her, of them. Refused to acknowledge being left for months. And when he finally leaves he literally compares himself to a ghost, because you know, he is just an empty shell at this point.

It’s also why he falls so hard for Ali because he is just desperately looking for something to cling to and so he transfers all those un-dealt feelings onto her and then he get’s hurt and his problems become bigger and different and Ali can’t deal - not surprising considering they had barely a foundation. They just went from 0 to 100 in 2 seconds and that just never works out, unless you’re in a very expensive sports car.

I also truly think at times Buck hides behind the loud mouthed, dumb adrenaline junkie persona he got going on as it keeps people from looking deeper, because Buck is very scared they won‘t find anything deeper - or worse, decide they don’t like what they see (and hey, he even got that confirmed by Ali leaving! and Abby! AND MOST IMPORTANTLY MADDIE!).

(Which, to push an agenda real quick, is why I ship Buddie so hard? Because they do have a foundation, they have been emotionally intimate with each other, they’ve seen the worst of each other and still went: I’m gonna have your back. And they have pulled a lot of shit on each other in the two years since meeting! Like, I’m sorry 911, I love you, but please never try and tell me they will have a deeper connection with anyone but each other because it’ll be a damn lie and you know it! If you don’t wanna do Buddie, let those boys get emotionally healthy and THEN give them an endgame but don’t try and replace Buddie with Loveinterests. I’m serious. I might stop watching!)

Eddie meanwhile is much more open with his feelings in the sense that he is less open in general so it’s far more noticeable when something is bothering him *because* he is subtle about it. Because Buck is so loud and so open and all about what you see is what you get, you don‘t assume he is hiding anything because you already see everything, right? (Always hide the real shit in plain sight, you guys, that‘s where no one remembers to look!) But Eddie, Eddie keeps his cards close. Sure he is funny and nice but he is also fucking reserved! And when something bothers him he draws into himself even more and that’s something that shows, that people will take notice of.

Eddies reaction to bad things (also known as *feelings*, because that boy is fucking repressed) happening is running away. And I am not saying he is a coward, I am saying he probably thinks he is and I am saying he runs away from his problems - that’s what 3.15 was about for Eddie: embracing his family (his vulnerabilities) and from what I‘ve seen in the last few days floating around in spoiler *now* Eddie has to learn to face his problems and not run away.

Which will be hard because Eddie deflects a lot.

It‘s funny (in a way that is not funny) that Buck, the fighter, is like the least aggressive guy around while Eddie, Mr quiet and reserved, who is all about running away from his problems, is so physically aggressive - except it is not and makes a lot of sense.

Season 3 truly shows how they deal with problems and I love it, I love them and this show so much!

Because Buck deals with the bombing by working tirelessly to come back to work, he deals with losing Christopher by nearly killing himself trying to find him and he deals with his fear of being replaced by filing the lawsuit to get his job back - which is also why I have to agree with Eddie: Buck truly has a one track mind. He sees the problem and nothing else. That makes him an amazing firefighter but an exhausting guy to be around because he does not give up.

I think in canon we only ever see Buck give up twice, maybe three times once with Abby and once with Christopher, both times he nearly killed himself first. (And one could argue that neither of these times he actually gave up, he was just out of options and time.) Tbh the only actual time he gave up was with Ali and that was probably his one track mind just not having any capacity to deal with a girlfriend on top of everything.

Eddie meanwhile deals with his wife dying and his best friend nearly dying twice and his son being traumatised and his best friend not being allowed back to work and his best friend filing that lawsuit by ... not dealing with it. He just moves on. Runs away from his feelings and his pain by fighting. He can’t deal with - can’t fight - his actual feelings so he fights something else. He lashes out. Becomes feral. That’s literally the gist of this episodes voiceover!

So tbh as much as I like that they resolved that lawsuit within one episode I am a bit bummed that we hardly saw anything of the 118 and especially Eddie without Buck there (specifically during his fighting time) mainly because I think we would have seen Hen and Chimney with Cap and Eddie maybe with Lena but generally keeping his distance, hiding away from them. (I don’t think Eddie just brushing past Buck in 3.06 was just about Buck.)

I truly meant what I said about 2.01 and Eddie taking one look at Buck being an asshole and deciding this one is gonna be his friend. Because while Hen and Chimney have been nice and friendly with him from the get go, they never give him shit the same way they give each other or Cap or Buck, and Eddie needs that. He needs someone who isn’t afraid to call him out and push back, both to get Eddie out of his own head and to make him feel comfortable enough to do the same. Which is why he bonded so fast with Buck and Lena (also, would he have bonded with her like that if Buck had been there? Probably not. Eddie is like the definition of „I only have the emotional capacity to care about three people at a time and two of them are my son“), because both held him accountable for his shit, which no one else on the show does, specifically not Hen and Chimney who treat Eddie as the guy who is good at most things so they just overlook the shitty stuff. And Cap does the same, because Eddie has a lot on his plate and Cap understands his issues better than anyone else’s.

Ya‘ll just need to watch the supermarket scene! It‘s all there!

Buck is in the store trying to create a moment so he can talk to all of them (meaning he is pushing, leaning into the problem until it gives), tries to make the problem go away by apologising (remember what I said about trying another way? Working hard didn’t work. Accepting his predicament didn‘t work. The lawsuit didn’t work. So now he tries talking it out - which he should have done to begin with, but hey, I’m not his therapist (sadly)) (It’s too bad it only worked to a certain level as we saw in the next episode but oh well, that’s actually realistic.)

Meanwhile Eddie has none of it because Eddie is currently running away from his problems so he can’t have his problem stand in front of him buying cat laxatives. So Eddie goes feral, and makes it all about Buck and his mistakes and then throws Christopher under the bus because that man is fighting for his life and he has nothing left to loose!!! I truly love this scene so much, you guys. It’s so revealing about these characters.

(I also shouldn’t have to point out that most of the stuff Eddie said to Buck was about Shannon, right? He was saying the things he was feeling about Shannon and he was throwing them at Buck because Buck was the one who brought it up, but also … look, it’s just ship-y from here all right?)

As for what I said about Hen, Bobby and Chimney in regards to Eddie? I know Chimney made some remarks but come on! Had it been any of them or Buck who yelled at someone like that they would have all interrupted and tried to diffuse the situation. But because it’s Eddie they sort of let it happen. (Also tbh because it’s Eddie and Buck and everyone is a little mad at Buck but they are something different to each other.)

Also, not to push my agenda, can we just talk about how comfortable Eddie has to be with the 118 but especially Buck, how much he has to care, to scream at him like that? Because he is reserved and he always tries to let go of his feelings and he hides so much. And I know part of it is that Eddie is coiled too tight already and about to burst but it’s also about Buck and the fact that Eddie expected better from him because Eddie has such a high opinion of him. Like sure he gives him shit sometimes but I think it’s because Eddie always expects the most of Buck (and Buck rarely lets him down). (And now I did go all ship-y)

Just compare this with his relationship with Shannon: with Shannon Eddie always is the one to make decisions, in part because he believes that’s what a man should do but also in part because he doesn’t trust her - and that was even before she left. Eddie trusts no one but himself for the most part but he does trust Buck, because to Eddie Buck can hardly do wrong. Which is why the whole law suit probably hit him so hard cause he expects everyone to let him down all the time but Evan Buckley? The guy he trust with his son more than anyone else? That guy? He expected better off! And that my friends is beautiful.

As for the voiceover it does poise one very central question for Eddie’s character: If he gives up control, will he be able to regain it? Because that is Eddie’s biggest fear and why he always holds everything so tight: he thinks if he lets the floodgates open once, he’ll never be able to close them.

In other news: Ryan took his shirt off.

Episode 3.06:

Before I write another 2400 words about our boys, I wanna remind you of that scene of Bobby, Chimney and Eddie wearing sun glasses, with Hen wearing her normal glasses, standing round, looking like an album cover! *plays „Clique“ by Kanye West, Jay-Z, Big Sean*

Do you think Athena and Hen talked about Bobby and how he would / does handle Buck? They did, didn’t they?

Also love how Hen and Chimney are super welcoming because one, they know what it’s like to be the odd one out and two, they love Buck and actually see his point of view. I believe. Now if only someone would remember to tell him.

Like, come on, they probably sit in the ambulance gossiping all the time!

I really love that we saw some bonding between Buck and Hen and Buck and Chimney in this episode because as much as I love Buddie we do not see enough of those combos (we don’t see enough of Buddie either).

Also the whole two steps forward, one step back? That is Bobby in this episode.

Now, we have to talk about the apology scene because this is Buck, expressing himself, being vulnerable. I love this episode a lot especially in regards to this Meta because here we see all the things I explained for the last episode: Buck is expressing, trying his best to make the problem go away while Eddie avoids it.

Also, you know, there is the whole illegal fighting thing that is visible on Eddie and look, if you did something like that would you willingly spent time with the one person who will call you out on it or will you avoid him like the plague? Especially if the last time you saw him you were screaming bloody murder at him in the middle of a grocery store! And the next time you see him he calls you out for your bruising. Yeah, guys, that’s just realistic.

Also bit of a reach, but the reason this is part of my discussion of 3.06 and not 3.05, which is Eddie’s relationship to Buck. Remember how 3.03 ended? That beautiful moment that made Oliver Stark cry on Instagram live? Remember how Eddie said „It’s his turn to save you now.“? Yeah, what happened to that?

Okay, Eddie is not an expressive guy. He is bad with feelings. He hates having them. And here comes Evan „Buck“ Buckley and he is just the polar opposite. Sure, he’d rather not talk about his feelings either but he has a lot of them and he *likes* having all of them and he wallows in them and that is probably a lot for a guy like Eddie to deal with. Especially when I do think Eddie understands somewhat where Buck came from and he probably feels guilty af about making Buck feel like he was being replaced. About not seeing the pain Buck was in. About not being there for him - which is why he lashes out, because guilt can make the healthiest people do horrible shit and Eddie is far from any definition of healthy at that point.

But I do have to say I am reaching with this and if I ever meet Tim Minear I will have him explain the fight scene and the apology scene to me word for word because it has to be deeper, right?

It can’t just be Eddie lashing out, and saying exactly the things he knows will hurt Buck because he is mad mad mad? Yeah, I know, whatever.

(Because even if that is the case? This is still the scene where a guy uses his best friend as a substitute to get his anger for his dead wife out in a somewhat healthy manner.)

Which is why I love both these scenes immensely, because it shows exactly how differently Eddie and Buck deal with things, because Eddie avoids them or gets mad and screams at them while Buck, actually does something fairly healthy and try to talk it out - but like only as his last option. He tries anything but talking before that, except with Eddie because they are connected and he finally *finally* lets himself be emotionally vulnerable with Eddie.

Which is also why the apology scene is so important to me, despite thinking while a bit rash, Buck wasn’t exactly wrong in his actions. I would have hated if they just brushed the grocery store over or made it about Eddie and the issues he had at the time. Instead they gave us this beautiful scene where Buck finally - FINALLY - gets to explain himself to someone, especially Eddie, the guy who he hurt the most because Buck is his anchor, and Eddie actually listens and then he gets it and he is like, oh, I wasn’t wrong! He really deserves all my trust!

So you know, that’s just beautiful, wether it’s platonic or romantic.

Episode 3.07: no relevance

Episode 3.08:

I wanna say something right of the bat that is probably controversial as hell:

Eddie did not want to share with Bobby. Eddie likes Bobby, he trusts Bobby, but he wasn’t really feeling like sharing with Bobby.

The reason Eddie talked with Bobby about all of this? Well, first of all it was bound to happen, sometimes things need to be said and then it doesn’t really matter who you’re talking to.

Also Eddie? Boy Scout. Army man. Chain of Command. If your superior officer tells you to share - you share! There. I said it. (This is not a Bobby Nash - stan account)

Also: „A friend of mine told me I needed an outlet - think I found it.“ - no, you didn’t Buddy boy, it’s why I’m currently 10.000 words into an episode by episode analysis of your character! (can you tell I am slowly going off the rails with this?)

But I do love how we finally got to see sassy!Eddie again. I missed you, babe!

As for the kitchen scene and the look, yes, I know, Maddie was looking at them like that because she just called them out about gossiping and they turned around and gossiped, buuuut … ya’ll also realise that Chimney was apparently *not* aware that anything was wrong with Eddie when Eddie had been acting weird way longer then Hen. He nearly punched Buck in a grocery store, he comes in with new bruises like 3 times a week but sure mate, he is all normal! (Or you know, Buck is just hyperfocused on Eddie)

One thing that freaks me out every time I watch this episode is how completely fucking nonchalant Eddie seems by the fact that he nearly fucking killed a guy. To quote Lena Bosko, professional plot pusher: „What the hell, Eddie?“

And then of course 3.15 happened and we saw Eddie shoot multiple people, so he probably learned how to compartmentalise and I guess I need to remember this is a TV show and no one actually died. But wow, I really need this addressed more because I have such mixed feelings about this.

And with regards to this I wanna say something even more controversial: Eddie got off easy. Yes, the guy willingly went into that ring but Eddie nearly killed him and all Bobby wanted to talk about was why Eddie was fighting? Again: What the hell?

Another thing this episode firmly proofs is that Lena is really just a poor substitute for Buck because Eddie doesn’t actually know anything about her, he just uses her as a sounding board because, well, Buck wasn’t there and he was lonely?

As for the actual conversation happening, yes, there we have it, in plain sight, Eddie needs to be in control because he thinks this is what Christopher needs him to be and as I’ve said before Eddie will always do anything for Christopher, even if he hurts himself in the process.

Also, remember when Lena told him he needed to show and tell his son how he felt so Christopher knows it’s okay to feel that way as well? Clearly didn’t stick of he would not feel this intense need to be in control. Which is realistic, you don’t just unlearn behaviour you had for like 30 years just because someone gives you some good advice once! (Man, my life could be so different!)

I’m also not a fan of Bobby’s „She died.“ because while yes, it wasn’t her fault that she left this time, grief isn’t rational. And even without the looming divorce Eddie has every right to be upset and to be angry at the world, and yes, even his dead wife. She’s dead. It doesn’t hurt her anymore. (Although that would be one feeling he should probably keep from Christopher.)

Not to mention Eddie feels guilty as hell. His anger? Mostly at himself. The sentence “I broke his mother”? Broke me as well.

But I also understand Eddie because while he may be grieving, his son is clearly traumatised by the whole situation, as seen in 3.04, and Eddie is trying his best and look, his outlet wasn’t the healthiest but um, at least he realised he needed one? He addressed that? That’s growth (sorta).

Amount of shirtless!Eddie scenes: 2, which feels a bit like overkill for one episode (pace yourself, Tim, this isn’t Game of Thrones)

Episode 3.09:

Frank! My main man Frank! Ui, I love him! When Tim calls me to come consult for Season 4 because clearly by now I am an expert on his characters and the way they should act, I will tell him to bring Frank back. I miss Frank. I hope he’s doing okay. He deserves the world. Also really wanna meet Rosemary.

And hey, as someone who has worked in the mental health sector and probably will again come October (if I manage to finish my degree by then, urgh, Corona, you are destroying my thesis!), I love that scene on the sofa so much! All of them openly sharing that they have been in therapy and talking about their therapists and just, uh, that scene makes me all tingly!

Before we get into all the emotional things I’m just gonna add the scene on the sofa to my list of scene I don’t fully understand. Like, what emotion exactly was Eddie supposed to be conveying because to me he sounds angry. And why should Eddie be angry about Buck sleeping with his therapist? What reason could he have?

Okay, yeah, maybe it’s a little exasperation and annoyance because apparently Evan Buckley is just coasting through life and doesn’t even take therapy seriously. Idk. I haven’t read the script.

But it does lead us to Buck giving Eddie shit, because, as I’ve said before, that’s what Buck does.

As for the therapy scene, yay, there is a mention of the nearly dead guy! Who is not dead. Yay!

I do love Eddie’s reasons for going to therapy and really trying, even though he is not clicking with Frank. He is such a good dad! (Also I’ve been debating for like 20 minutes whether Eddie would be more comfortable sharing with a woman or with a man and for some reason (his connection with Buck vs his relationship with Shannon) I think he’d be more comfortable with a man. Idk. I could be wrong. - Also Eddie is probably always uncomfortable talking about his feelings, so there is that!) His reasoning shows also yet again what I said about both Buck and Eddie before: they are protectors. They will make themselves vulnerable to help someone else. It’s a thing.

Also I pulled out my pocket edition of ICD-10 to check and while we don’t have enough information to give a full diagnosis, it’s safe to say that he is supposed to be going through a depressive episode. Because yes, sometimes depressed people aren’t sad, sometimes they are fucking angry.

Now, as for the Evan Buckley of it all and that scene: I read another Meta by someone clearly much better at this than me that stated Eddie uses Sarcasm as a way to deflect, which is exactly what is happening here because Eddie is not as fine with everything that happened as he pretends to be. I think he has just come to the sudden and horrible conclusion that his tipping point has been Buck no longer being in his life and so he decided it was easier to just move on then deal with his feelings (which is what got you into this mess in the first place, Edmundo, so please rethink,) if that means Buck back in his life.

I also think Eddie deflects here because he realises how much what he did and what he said actually hurt Buck in return and Eddie doesn’t fully know how to deal with that. And look, if they actually start discussing their issues then Eddie will have to admit his guilt and Eddie will have to say he’s sorry and right then he is still too pissed to do so, so he decides to move on.

Ah, the wonderful clash of Eddie thinking actions speak louder than words but Buck needing to hear the actual words.

Sidenote: I sent the kitchen scene to my roommate, stopped before they played the video game and asked her what she thinks happened next. And to quote „Love me <3 <3 <3. Please fuck me“ - because yes, she did take one look at them and decide the one with the puppy dog eyes was a bottom. That’s also a quote.

Episode 3.10:

Eddie really is trying so hard to be a good dad, isn’t he?

I also love the little head shake Eddie gives after Chris ask Buck about spending Christmas with him, because he clearly has already talked about the whole thing with Buck. And I’m not gonna talk about the framing. Other’s have done that before and I don’t actually know that much about it in first place.

Also it is cute as all hell that Chris asked Buck in the first place and also heartbreaking.

Other than that this episode doesn’t have that much of a relevance for this meta, because if I have to start discussing Buck’s other issues as well this will never be done.

Before I let you go, I wanna say something real quick:

In the past few days there have been several posts about content creators and liking vs commenting / reblogging on my dash and I just wanna say this is true for meta writers as well! Look, I love everyone who likes this because validation, but I’m not actually writing this meta for myself, I’m writing this because I have thoughts and I wanna share them with the rest of the class and have the class discuss it with me!

So please, reblog this and comment under or in the tags or come to my ask or my messages, even if it’s only to tell me that my punctuation is shit!

Anyways, @angelcamael and @greyhello here’s part 3!

#buck meta #eddie meta #buddie meta #evan buckley #eddie diaz #buck #buddie #911 meta #911 #911 fox #textpost #mine #meta #season 3 #my meta

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set-phasers-to-whump · 4 years

Text

a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day

Prompt: shoot the hostage

Whumpee: Eddie Diaz

Fandom: 911

hi!!! first off this fic is not the whumpiest but like. this is just where the wind took me. anyway i really hope that you enjoy it anyway, i was suddenly just Inspired and this is the result!

Eddie feels the barrel of the gun shake where it’s pressing up against the back of his head. “Just let me go,” the man holding it is saying. “Let me go and I swear I won’t hurt him.”

“You know I can’t do that,” Bobby says, his hands raised in a gesture of surrender. “I need you to let him come back over here.”

“No, no, you’ll just try to stop me. Let me go and I’ll let him go as soon as I’m far enough away.”

This doesn’t sound like the worst idea in the world to Eddie. Better that he doesn’t get shot, is his thinking. If that means being pushed around by this guy and eventually left on the side of the road someplace, that’s fine. Much better than somebody trying to be a hero (he glances at Buck, wishing the other man could read his mind, for the first time ever) and ending up with casualties.

But Bobby doesn’t see it that way. “That won’t work,” he insists. “The police are on their way. I’m sorry, but there’s nothing I can do about it. But you have a choice. You can let Eddie go, and only face the charges for robbery, or you can face charges for robbery and for taking a hostage.”

The gun presses harder into the back of Eddie’s head. He tries not to flinch away, tries not to think of the click he’d heard when it’d first been put into its current position, tries not to imagine the bullet firing, tries not to imagine dying…

“You’re arresting me either way,” the man says. “What do I care what it’s for?”

Eddie watches Bobby shake his head, then turn to look at Buck. Some kind of silent communication passes between the two of them. What it is exactly, Eddie can’t tell.

And then Buck looks at him, and, shit, Eddie really doesn’t need to be looked at by him right now. Not when he’s trying to focus on not getting shot.

Buck mouths something at him, which looks like “almost here.” Eddie breathes a sigh of relief. The police will arrive soon, and arrest this guy, and then he will be fine. Everything just needs to stay as it is for a few more minutes.

Of course, it doesn’t. Bobby takes a step forward, and the man says, “I’ll shoot him if you take another step, I swear I will.” Bobby takes the man for his word, and Eddie briefly loses track of everything happening around him as his heart pounds in his chest, harder than he thinks it’s ever beaten before.

That was close, that was way too close, he thinks, and he feels his hands start to shake. He’s been aware of the danger he’s in since it began, but it’s only now sinking in how very close he is to dying. He thinks of Christopher and his parents and his siblings and abuela and Buck, and he feels tears start to spill down his cheeks but doesn’t dare bring up a hand to wipe them away.

And then, faintly, he hears a siren, and then there is a police car coming closer and closer, and he’s spun around as his captor whirls to face the police cars.

“Tell them to stop!” he shouts. “I’ll shoot him, I swear!”

Eddie’s just about to do something, make a break for it, fling himself away, and then the man does it for him, shoving him away and to the ground. Eddie spins around involuntarily, stumbling backwards and hitting the dirt hard. He coughs, and then there’s a bang and something hits him and for a second he’s just lying there, ears ringing, confused, and then the pain starts.

It’s hot and horrible and he can feel his blood pouring out of him, soaking into his clothes and into the ground, and there are noises all around him that he’s not paying attention to, and he’s not screaming but he wishes he was. He’s crying instead, silently, and staring straight up into the sky, feeling himself bleed out. He thinks again of Christopher and tries to reach for his medallion, but his hands are refusing to cooperate and all he can think is not now, not like this, please, no, and then there is a hand in his pocket and he forces his watering eyes to focus.

Buck.

The medallion is pressed into his hand, and then his other hand is being grabbed by Buck, and then something presses into his stomach and it hurts but the only noise he makes is a soft groan of pain, and then someone is picking him up and he knows this, feels the material of a stretcher underneath him and sees the familiar setting of the back of the ambulance.

He hears the doors slam and feels the ambulance start to move, and he knows there are others back here but the only person he can focus on is Buck, who is holding his hand, an act which ordinarily might’ve managed to turn his cheeks pink, were quite a lot of his blood not currently outside of his body.

Buck is saying something to him, something he can’t quite hear, but the look on his face is almost as painful as the gunshot wound, and Eddie uses the meager amount of strength he has left to squeeze Buck’s hand and choke out a hoarse, “Buck.”

Buck immediately stops saying whatever it was he’d been saying. “Yeah, Eddie?”

“‘M dying,” he says. “Right?” He thinks he is. He’s been close enough before to know what it feels like. He feels his St. Christopher medallion digging into the skin of the hand not currently holding onto Buck for dear life, and wishes desperately to see his son one last time. “I can’t die,” he says, and then he coughs and tastes blood on his lips and he knows that that’s bad.

“You’re not going to die,” Buck says, and this time Eddie can hear him. He looks like maybe he’s crying, too, which is nice, Eddie thinks. He doesn’t have to cry alone.

He feels the edges of unconsciousness settle in, hears someone else tell him to hold on, but he can’t, and he gives Buck’s hand another squeeze and whispers, “I love you,” and then everything goes black.

He wakes up slowly, blinking as the world comes into fuzzy focus. Machines are beeping around him, and there’s the familiar smell of antiseptic in the air.

He’d been shot, he remembers, and he reaches a hand down to touch his stomach, finding a layer of bandaging that doesn’t hurt much when he touches it. That’s a nice change, he thinks, drowsily.

He then gives his surroundings a brief once-over. A table to his right. A couple machines beside it. A duffle bag next to the door. A chair to his left, with Buck curled up awkwardly in it, breathing deeply. More machines.

Buck.

“Buck,” he says, wincing when the action of speaking makes his throat burn. He coughs and tries again. “Buck.”

Buck jolts awake, looking around frantically, before his eyes land on Eddie. His face breaks into a grin which Eddie can’t help but return.

“How do you feel?” he asks, and for once, Eddie is completely honest when he says he feels fine.

“Where’s Chris?” he asks.

“He’s at home, Eddie. It’s four in the morning. He was here earlier, but you were asleep.”

“Oh,” Eddie says. “I was out for a while, then,” he concludes. It had been daylight when he’d gotten shot.

A pained look crosses Buck’s face. “Yeah,” he says. “You were. You scared us, Eddie. You scared me.”

Eddie doesn’t know what to say to that. He hadn’t meant to scare anyone. He hadn’t meant to get shot. “I’m sorry,” he says, and Buck reaches out, putting a hand on his arm.

Eddie feels his heart skip a beat (and then looks at the screen of the monitor, which assures him that it hasn’t actually done that). Focus, he thinks to himself. Buck doesn’t need to deal with any of your feelings right now.

“Just don’t do it again,” Buck says, and he’s smiling now, and god, Eddie never wants him to stop.

“I love you,” he says, the words slipping from his mouth before he can stop them. He half closes his eyes so he doesn’t have to see Buck’s response.

“I know,” Buck says. “I love you, too.”

“I’m s-” Eddie says, before the meaning of what Buck’s said hits him. “What?”

Buck raises an eyebrow. “I love you, too, Eddie.”

Eddie doesn’t know what to focus on first - the fact that Buck loves him, too, comes to mind, but then, so does Buck’s statement of I know. Had he been that obvious?

He asks, figuring there’s no harm it can do.

Buck looks at him confusedly for a second, and then he laughs. “You don’t remember, do you?” he asks, putting a hand to Eddie’s cheek. “You told me already, after you got shot.” That pained look ghosts across his face again, and Eddie hates it, hates that he’s the reason it’s there. So he does the only reasonable thing. He pulls Buck closer to him, nearly making him trip and fall into one of the machines, and then he kisses him, softly and gently.

It’s over in a matter of seconds, but they both pull back breathless. They stare at each other for a second, and Eddie nearly melts at the look of pure love on Buck’s face, a look he knows is sitting on his own face, too.

“Can’t believe it took me getting shot for me to finally get to kiss you,” Eddie says, leaning his face into Buck’s shoulder. “It was worth it, though,” he adds.

“Just don’t do it again,” Buck warns, for the second time.

“As long as you keep kissing me,” Eddie agrees.

“I wasn’t planning on stopping.”

thanks so much for reading this!! i know it’s fluffier than my usual stuff but i Love Them so yeah. hope you enjoyed! (also i know that usually someone would have probably sent buck home bc it’s so early in the morning but buck is Stubborn and i like to think he can get the hospital people to do what he wants lol)

#whumptober2020 #no.16 #shoot the hostage #911 #fic #eddie diaz #shot #taken hostage #unconscious #waking up #my writing #i say things #not that anybody cares but i Did look up the california penal code for this lmao

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justsmilestuffhappens · 5 years

Text

Day 3 (12th of February) - Matchmaking @buddietinesweek

Matchmaking the matchmaker

Buck sat with his water. He hoped that Eddie would show.

Buck could barely drink and he wasn’t planning to stay long. He really hoped Vivian and Eddie hit it off even as just friends. She was great with kids even had her own and worked as a councilor at a school which was how they had met while he was working.

He’d tell Eddie once he got there. They’d talked about it before a little but he hoped Eddie felt comfortable enough to try and buck would take all the blame if he wanted to back out and didn’t feel ready to.

“Hey. You’re not even gonna have one beer?” Eddie pulled buck out of his thoughts as he sat on the barstool beside him.

“No. Sorry to spring this on you but, I got this friend and I think you two would really like each other if your met. You don’t have to. No pressure. but she’s coming by and if you want-.” Buck barely got out.

“You’re trying to play matchmaker? Buck listen, I don’t know man.” Eddie said as the bartender brought his usual already.

“That’s okay. I’m not saying you have to date her, you don’t Eddie. She’s a cool person regardless and she’s a single parent too. You’ve got a few things in common.” Buck stood up.

“Hey cutie. And this handsome man must be Eddie. It’s nice to meet you. I’m Vivian but people call me V.” She hugged buck and shook Eddie’s hand.

“Hi. I was just telling Buck-”

“I, he didn’t know I was gonna introduce you two tonight, ”

At her confused face Eddie began. “My wife died. I haven’t really been in the dating scene. And buck’s a helpful friend that sometimes acts before he thinks, ”

Wow. Buck nearly choked.

“Oh God. That’s tough hun. Reggie’s an ass but I’d still feel horrible if he ever- I don’t know what my little Susie sees in him, hell what I saw in him past those eyes and arms but he’s good with her at least. Can I get some shots please.” She ordered from the bartender as buck went to refuse.

“You brought us here so you’re drinking too Buck, just one mister blood thinners.” V said with a grin. That got a look from Eddie and a shrug which buck thought was good hopefully.

She and Eddie shared conversation about their kids and jobs with buck talking a little as they looked to him. Buck was just about to leave when V stopped him.

“Hey buck. Since it’s broken hearts night in the club wanna dance?”

Buck was always up for dancing even if he wasn’t that good at it.

“Umm. Sure. Be back Eds,”

They left Eddie sitting with his second beer.

They were further away when she started to talk“so Eddie, he’s handsome.”

“Yeah. He gets that a lot.” Buck smiled.

“I think he’s not over her completely yet though. Shit, I don’t blame him, it’s gotta be tough.” She swung her hip bumping Buck who stumbled with a laugh.

“Hey.”

“But I couldn’t help noticing something.” She got closer to hold buck’s shoulders as the song changed rhythm half way through.

“What?”

“He only ever lightened up when we talked about his son yeah I get that. But also he kept trying to make sure he was bring you into the conversation too. He got that same content smile when he talked about you and Christopher. Do you understand what I’m saying buck?” V asked looking into buck’s eyes before looking back at Eddie.

“Are you counseling us?” Buck made a face.

“I try not to but it helps. I was a couples counselor before just so you know. You ever think about it?” V saw buck take a second glance at Eddie.

“I- he’s not- it might not be a good idea right now,” Buck stumbled.

Eddie was suddenly gone startling buck into getting bumped by another couple.

“Relax. He went in the direction of the bathrooms. Go talk to him. Maybe he wasn’t here with the thought of a date with me specifically. I think he’s here for you, to spend time together,” Vivian shrugged while walking back over to the bar. She thought she could at least flirt with the hot bartender.

Buck went to follow Eddie and make sure he was okay.

He came in to the empty room with Eddie’s face wet at the sink. But from the look of his eyes he had to have been crying maybe and was trying to cover it up.

“Eddie. You okay?”

“No. I can’t- she’s nice but it’s not even her. It’s-” Eddie moved to lock the door.

“What’s wrong? Just tell me. V’ll understand. We can leave. I’m sorry.” Buck felt like he was gonna throw up. Either that or Eddie was gonna tell him something he wasn’t gonna like. He’d pushed Eddie too much too soon and ruined it all trying to help. Buck was such an idiot.

“-ous. I don’t know why.” Eddie avoided looking buck in the eye.

“What? I’m sorry. I spaced out Eddie.” Buck moved to touch Eddie’s shoulder but he moved back.

“Stop apologizing!”

“But I am sorry. I should be sorry. I didn’t think. It’s my fault. Eddie you-”

“I’m sorry. I just- I- stop being a coward.” Eddie said.

Buck didn’t understand. “Why am I a coward?”

“I am. Not you buck. Iloveyou. I don’t know when things changed or if it ever really did but buck- I let my feelings get in the way. I called you selfish when you did one thing for yourself. I was wrong, I shouldn’t have-”

“But it was selfish. If I had sucked it up then- I just couldn’t wait. I didn’t want to risk losing everyone. Losing you. I was too busy with my own shit to see you and Christopher needed me when I should have been there,”

Buck frowned, Eddie hated it.

“But it was different. You’re different. You’re not- Christopher needs you and I need you but you can’t be there if I don’t let you or if you’re dead. Not if you’re gone because I pushed you away, either” Eddie moved closer.

“I don’t understand. That’s-. Wait. Did you say you loved me?” Buck’s head was spinning. He could swear he heard that but was it just in his head though.

“I didn’t tell you about Christopher’s nightmares before the lawsuit when I should have. I didn’t want to put you both through it again and I thought I could handle it alone and then I had to. I could still have tried to call but by then it all was just too much. I decked a guy for insulting Christopher when my son could have seen me, I was still in front of the place i left him at. I knocked a guy’s nose in during my fighting phase. I didn’t realize how important you were to our lives until you were gone. And I just kept falling and spiralling downward until I couldn’t stop even when you were back. It wasn’t on you, it was about you but it wasn’t too, not just you, it was how I felt about myself and what happened with shannon,” Eddie tried to catch his breath.

“You were dealing with a lot though Eddie, you still are. No one blames you, we’re just glad you’re trying to be better and getting help because now you know what you were doing wasn't healthy for you or Christopher, and you stopped going. That’s all we can ask for and we’re all here for you both,” buck ran his hand across his face.

“I looked it up after talking to Frank. I- projected my resentment, and the aggression, and depression all these things I was feeling and I couldn't deal with because I kept pushing it aside until I couldn't anymore. I put it on you when none of it was your fault. It wasn’t right. It wasn’t fair. I just wanted to hit something, to hit myself if someone didn't hit me, and to forget, to feel in control for even a moment.”

“I think I can see that now. But if you can forgive me then I can forgive you. It’s what being a part of a team means right? I’m glad you didn’t really want to hit me. I had hoped you didn’t.” Buck bit his lip.

“I’d never hit you. I’d rather hurt myself before I ever hurt you buck. You don’t deserve that and deep down a part of me always knew that.” Eddie looked him in the eye.

“Don’t say you’d hurt yourself though, please Eddie. Fuck. This is weirdest conversation to be having in some dirty bathroom that reeks of piss.” Buck smiled. “And I love you too. Sorry. I think I’m still processing all this. It's a lot.” Buck pulled Eddie into a hug.

Eddie welcomed the firm hold this time. No bruises. No blood. Nothing else. Just them. Right now.

“I’ve got free hugs all day every day if your name is Diaz.” Buck said as Eddie squeezed back gently.

“Hey! Open the fucking door.” “Some of us need to piss you asshole!” “Jerk him off faster already.” They heard as there was a banging on the door.

“Way to ruin a moment huh?” Eddie wiped his eyes and sniffled.

“Couldn’t be sooner. Let’s go someplace cleaner with a bed or a couch to sit down. And I have to thank V before we leave.”

“You set up me being jealous?” Eddie asked with a hurt look before they opened the door.

“No! I wouldn’t do that. She said to talk to you and maybe there was something there between us. She was right it turns out,” Buck unlocked the door.

“Yeah. She’s good at reading people huh?” Eddie said as they walked past the small crowd ignoring them to pay for their drinks.

V was nowhere to be seen.

“You looking for the silver hair and black dress chick?” A new bartender asked.

“Yeah” buck said “have you seen her?”

“She took Will home I think. Said to give you two waters and wish you luck.” She said as Buck got a text.

From V: Don’t wait up. I’m taking the bartender. Hope you’re good with Eddie. Talk later.

“She’s good.” Buck said as they went to leave.

“Christopher’s still with my Abuela. Can we go to yours. I kinda wanna talk a little more and maybe something else.” Eddie asked.

“Yeah. I’ll drive. We’re not doing anything tonight. I wanna date you at least once before I get you in bed Eddie. But I’m not against cuddling or uh maybe kissing” buck laughed as they got out to his jeep.

Things didn’t turn out the way he expected but this was looking to be a lot better though.

“Let’s go home.” Eddie said.

#buddietines week #buddie #buck Buckley #Eddie Diaz #911 #solo mio #my writing #long #ficlet #fic #Valentine's day #Valentine #Valentine's #buddietinesweek

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florenceandthemachine · 4 years

Link

Chapters: 1/5 Fandom: 9-1-1 (TV) Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV) Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Demons, Canon-Typical Violence, One Night Stands, Getting Together, Drunkenness, Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eddie Diaz Is A Good Father

HAPPY HALLOWEEN 3RD EVERYONE and thank you to @eddiesdiaz and @hearteyesforbuck for convincing me to write what started out as a spite fic.

***

“You really love that kid, huh?” Buck murmured against his chest, and Eddie smiled, a soft chuckle making his chest (and Buck’s head) shake. “I do. He deserves everything I can give him and so much more. I’d do anything, give up anything, to make sure Chris is happy and safe.”

“You’d... sell your car for him?” He asked, looking up as Eddie scoffed.

“Please. In a heartbeat.”

Buck rose a brow, fingers circling Eddie’s palm. “You’d sell your house?”

“Without a doubt.” Eddie locked Buck’s fingers in his own, bringing their hands to his lips, kissing each of Buck’s knuckles.

“Would you sell your soul?”

———————————————————————————————————

For the record, Eddie Diaz really and truly thought that he was going to have a good day when he woke up.

He had actually slept that night, which was a great start.

He finished his morning run in time to have breakfast with Chris and Carla, which was embarrassingly infrequent.

He was still smiling, humming some song from one of Chris’ shows under his breath, when he went to check the mail that morning, and that was when everything went to shit.

The simple “Condolences” card would have basically gone unnoticed in the stack of bills and junkmail, had it not been for the Texas zip code on the envelope. He thumbs the edge of the card, a frown across his face as he racks his brain—had anyone died recently? He didn’t think so, hadn’t heard from his aunt or his abuela, they hadn’t had any life or limb threatening calls in almost a month and a half.

He opened the card slowly, eyes scanning over the block of text written on the left side of the card, his heart instantly kicking overdrive as he picked out a few words.

The card was for Shannon.

Shannon, who his parents were not exactly on the best of terms with. Shannon, who had responded to Eddie leaving in turn, who had divorced him less than twenty four hours before her death.

Shannon who had been dead for a year, almost to the day.

He almost, almost couldn’t believe it, that his mother and father would be the kind of people who send death-anniversary-condolence cards, but those thoughts were stuck swirling around in his own guilt. Shannon had died a year ago and Eddie hadn’t even realized it. Sure, they had a tumultuous relationship at best, and he still missed her—especially missed her with Chris—but it still felt gross, realizing that he had spaced out what he felt should have been such an important milestone.

He only barely scanned over the words “Chris” and “with us” and “for the best” before he slammed the card against his chest, his eyes wide and wild, only a second away from going full fight-or-flight because of a fucking greeting card. He didn’t want to believe that he was still going to be fighting against this, that he had to continue to fight against his parents for his son. They were doing better. He was doing better. And for anyone to suggest, twelve months after the fact, that Shannon’s death would have been a decent reason for Eddie to give up custody...

Between calling out of work last minute and having to be reminded twice to kiss Chris goodbye when Carla brought him to school, Eddie knew that he wasn’t exactly the image of stability at this point—but he was pretty sure that could all be forgiven, considering his circumstances.

Blindsided by an event that happened a year ago: check.

Still only barely making ends meet and paying for his son’s needs: check.

Regularly feeling like an absolute failure in a personal, professional, and fatherly sense: fucking triple check.

Eddie’s only saving grace was that Chris had already planned on spending the night with Hen and Karen and Denny that evening, so Eddie could do the one thing he did best.

Better than anyone else. Better than anyone, ever.

Finding a random bar to get absolutely plastered in.

“It’s just, when I thought they couldn’t sink any fucking lower, they do. They act like she was no one when she was alive, and now that she’s dead I’m supposed to just hate her alongside them because they hate her cause she divorced me, but spoiler alert! She died anyway!” Eddie was saying, his face resting cheek down on the bar, the straight whiskey he had been sipping swirling around in its glass, the amber liquid refracting light over his face. He was alone in the bar, had been for two hours at least—his words might have been the slightest bit slurred, but the bartender seemed to be ever understanding, nodding his head as he wiped down the spot next to Eddie, what seemed to be the last of his closing duties.

His bartender, who was rapidly going up in Eddie’s opinion—not just because of his impeccable pours, and the fact that he was pretty cute (and yes, that was Eddie’s unbiased opinion), but because he was listening. He was actually listening as Eddie rambled on, more than just that passive grunt-and-nod that so many bartenders thought passed for actually paying attention to their clientele.

“You know,” Bartender started, tapping his fingers on the bar, a steady rhythm that pulsed through Eddie’s cheek in a semi-comforting manner. “It’s okay that you didn’t hate her. Even after the divorce. Just because two people divorce, doesn’t mean they don’t love one another, just that... that they’re better apart than they are together.”

Oooh. That was a good point. It was wrong, but it was still a good point. Eddie rose his hand to counter balance himself, pushing into an upright position so he could take another swallow from the glass in front of him. “I didn’t love her, not at the end, but...” Eddie started, sipping and swallowing. “I loved what she was.”

The bartender leaned forward, raising a brow, and Eddie felt his eyes naturally drift from the small green gem that was hanging off of the chain around his neck to the beauty mark, dancing above his browbone, scrunched up as he scrutinized Eddie that much further. “And what was she?”

“A partner.” Eddie said easily, catching the surprise on the other's face. “She was my partner, even though I was a shitty one. And she was a friend, even though I was a shitty one. And she was such a good parent, and I’m—“

“I swear, if you say you’re a shitty parent I’m going to clock you with this bottle.”

Eddie laughed in spite of himself, his eyes trailing back down, somewhere around the bartender’s chest—Buck, his name tag said. Eddie was pretty sure he had been told that already. “Seriously, man, I’ve heard you talk more kindly about your kid from the time you were half a drink in than most people do when they’re sober.”

Eddie sighed, knocking the rest of his drink back, sliding the glass back to Buck. “Well, isn’t that how dads are supposed to be? Willing to take bubb—bulb—bullets for their kid?”

Buck snorted, swiping Eddie’s glass for a refill—only a finger this time, not three—Eddie was probably going to be cut off soon, much to his dismay. He wasn’t nearly as plastered as he wanted to be, and having to go to another bar was going to be a major fucking inconvenience. “Not mine.” Buck said, putting the bottle back on the shelf. “My dad would probably be more upset about a bullet going through any clothes he bought us than he would be about it actually going through us. Charming bastard, he was.”

Eddie sucked in a deep breath—to offer his condolences or maybe to cry, he wasn’t sure, because Buck waved it off before he could say one thing or the other. “It’s no big deal, it’s all said and done now. All you can do is be there for your kid as best as you can, and Eddie, I can already tell that you are.”

Eddie sighed as he let his head fall into his hand, lips buzzing as he exhaled, face smushing against his palm. “I hope so. I really want to be, I’d... fuck. I’d give anything to help my kid, to make sure he was safe, to... to make sure he would always be protected.”

Had Eddie been a tad more sober, or maybe a tad more attentive, he probably would have noticed the sudden flick of Buck’s eyes, or the way his wrist jerked to a sudden halt while he was cleaning a glass. He might have noticed the way Buck ran his tongue over his lips, and... well, okay, he definitely noticed that, and was pleased to see Buck’s lips turn into a smile.

“Hey, closing time is in about... now. You sober enough to go for a walk with me, or do you want me to call you a cab? Either way, I’m not letting you drive.”

Eddie pouted, reaching for his wallet in his jacket pocket, blinking in surprise as Buck waved him away. “Come on, you’ve had a rough... year, sounds like. I’ll consider it on the house.”

Eddie felt his cheeks pink up, pulling his jacket on, smiling as he looked down to the bar for a moment. “Alright, well, I owe you one then.”

“Counting on that.” Buck said, his smile wide again, just barely on the right side of too-sharp and too-toothy. “Now, come on. Take a walk with me.”

The cold Californian air (well, as cold as it got in California in March) did more to sober Eddie up than any amount of water, and he smiled as he shrugged his jacket a little tighter as Buck locked the door to the little bar he had spent the past few hours in.

His smile grew as Buck finally made eye contact with him again, easily falling into line a half step ahead of Eddie as they started to walk, letting the bartender lead the way to wherever they were going.

“So, Eddie. How did a nice guy like you wind up in a bar like mine?” Given the half conversation they had in the bar, Eddie had no idea what kind of conversation Buck would be expecting—so he was surprised when Buck directed the topic toward himself, asking Eddie about where he grew up, what he did for work, his likes, his dislikes. It was cute, and benign, and Eddie felt his cheeks pink up in a way that wasn’t entirely related to the cold weather every time he caught Buck actually listening to him, actually giving a damn about his interests.

“But, uh, enough about me.” Eddie said, his face bright red as he realized just how long he had been talking. It was unlike him, to say the least—while he wasn’t really a private person, he didn’t have that many opportunities to share himself with people, so now that he had one, he was definitely rambling. “What about you, what’s your story? You’ve already heard all about my parents and my son, any rugrats of your own wandering around?”

No sooner did than the words left Eddie’s mouth did he wish he could take them back—the flash of pain that crossed Buck’s face was only compounded by the way his shoulders hunched, drawing into himself like it was second nature. “Nah, felt like it was kind of selfish, you know? Risking fucking up a little kid just because I wanted one, when I have no idea how to care for one. My parents were... not great. I mean, they weren’t terrible, but they definitely didn’t want to be parents, and they just weren’t... there.” He started, his words slow as they fell back into step with one another. “But I have a sister. She’s so smart, she got out the minute she could and never looked back. She’s the one who gave me this, when I graduated high school.”

Buck’s smile was nothing short of captivating, small and soft as he pulled the small stone Eddie had seen earlier out from his shirt, admiring the gem on the chain before he tucked it away again. “Anyway, she left, and then my dad died, and then my mom kind of lost it, to the point where my options were either move across the country or call an old priest and a young priest. So, don’t walk away thinking you won the award for crazy parent this evening.” Buck said, snorting in a way that was a little too familiar in the “I-make-light-of-my-problems-to-cope” tone that Eddie himself had mastered.

Keeping their pace even, Eddie sighed, looking up at the night sky. It was bright, obnoxiously so—between the city lights and the street lamps above him he couldn’t make out a single star, but he liked to imagine them anyway. The moon was full, at least, and that would do for the time being. “Bobby—err, my boss—says that your family, your real family, is the one you choose, not the one you’re born into. I don’t know if that helps, but… you can always choose something better, Buck. You deserve that much.” he finished with a shrug, raising a brow as he watched Buck shrink into himself, catching the motion out of the corner of his eye.

“You think so?” Buck asked, looking up at Eddie through his lashes (which was a truly impressive feat, considering Eddie was pretty sure Buck was taller than he was). “I do. Or at the very least, I like to believe it.” Eddie said as Buck smiled, bumping his shoulder playfully as they fell back into step, well aware of the way Buck’s eyes trailed over his lips as they curved into a smile of his own.

He wasn’t... stupid, after all. He may have had a busy life and a busy schedule, but Eddie knew when someone was flirting with him. It happened enough while they were out on calls—not that he wanted to toot his own horn—and while he had religiously turned down every single ‘opportunity’ while he was on the clock, that didn’t mean he was a stranger to a one night stand (especially after a few drinks).

And the way that Buck seemed to be looking at him was... delicious, to say the least.

He was caught by surprise when they came to a stop in front of the same bar they had left some half hour ago, his own curious expression met with Buck’s grin. “Well, look at that!” Buck said, looking above the bar toward a set of windows set back behind the neon sign. “Thanks for walking me home.”

Eddie couldn’t help but laugh as he nodded his head, dramatically waving an arm in front of him. “Well, it was my pleasure. And, um, thank you for talking with me, and for listening to me. It... You’ve turned a really shitty day into a much better night.” Eddie said, feeling a warmth spread through him as Buck flat out blushed.

He blushed. Motherfucker had no right being that cute.

“Well, I’m glad that I could help.” Buck said with a smile, pulling him back into the present, looking up at what Eddie assumed was his apartment. “But, you know... the better night doesn’t have to be over yet. Do you want to come up for some coffee?”

Buck probably had a very nice loft above his bar—but Eddie couldn’t be sure, because the moment the door shut behind him, Buck had him pressed up against it, lips pressed against his own and hands blazingly hot on his body. The only thing he could be sure of was that Buck had a great ass—a perfect ass, even because that was the only thing Eddie was holding on to before Buck picked him up, literally, and carried him up the stairs to bed.

Holy fuck, Eddie thought he was going to cum then and there.

Eddie wasn’t someone who was overwhelmed easily, but he found himself starting to lose himself as Buck’s teeth roamed around his body, leaving love bites on his neck, collar bone, down his stomach, and then oh—oh—Eddie felt his cock sink into warm, wet heat, his eyes rolling back in his head as a guttural noise escaped his throat.

Buck just giggled. That asshole.

Nearly an hour later, Eddie was delightfully sore, body tugged in ways he didn’t think were possible without an aggressive amount of stretching. He struggled to catch his breath as Buck flopped over his chest, looking every bit as content as Eddie felt.

“Eddie, holy, uh,” Buck started, and Eddie was pleased to realize he wasn’t the only one who was panting. “Holy shit, that was amazing. Is there a, uh, round two in the stars, or do you have to go home soon? I don’t know about your kid...” Eddie blushed, feeling a little bit of warmth in his chest, entirely unrelated to the physical presence of the man currently using him as a pillow.

“No, he’s out for the night. But as far as round two goes, you may need to give me a few.” he answered with a laugh, all smiles as Buck pulled himself up to press a kiss to Eddie’s lips, sighing contentedly. His deeper breaths turned into a steady sigh as Buck started to trace patterns up and down his free arm, fingers dancing over the palm of one of his hands while the other wrapped around Buck’s shoulders.

Buck felt, more than he heard Eddie speak, the vibrations traveling through his cheek easily. “You’d... sell your car for him?” He asked, looking up as Eddie scoffed.

“Please. In a heartbeat.”

Buck rose a brow, fingers circling Eddie’s palm. “You’d sell your house?”

“Without a doubt.” Eddie locked Buck’s fingers in his own, bringing their hands to his lips, kissing each of Buck’s knuckles as his naked body moved against him. Eddie let out an entirely undignified noise as Buck rolled suddenly, straddling his hips, one hand supporting his weight beside Eddie’s head, the other still linked with his own as he grinned.

“Would you sell your soul?”

Eddie groaned in response as Buck rolled his hips down, still equally overstimulated and sensitive as he nodded his head quickly. “Course. Like I said, anything.”

Eddie felt his eyes slide half shut as Buck sucked in a breath, the expression on his face nothing short of elated. “Oh, Eddie. You won’t regret this, I promise.” he gushed, his eyes bright. “It’s a deal.”

Even as he felt the confusion grow, Eddie couldn’t help but smile as Buck leaned down into a kiss, his enthusiasm—even if Eddie wasn’t sure what it was about—was positively infectious. He felt another groan get pulled from his lips as his eyes slid shut, the sound drowned in Buck’s mouth, Buck’s body heavy on his own and his hand warm in Eddie’s, and...

...wait, no, not warm. Hot. Really hot.

In fact, his entire body was hot. Every inch where Buck touched him was suddenly burning, like he was a white hot coal pulled straight from the fire.

Eddie gasped and pushed back from the kiss, his lungs burning from the inside out, feeling like he was sucking in smoke, his head starting to spin.

“Eddie, it’s okay, just breathe...”

Buck’s voice was a thousand miles away as Eddie grit his teeth, willing his eyes to focus. The last thing he could see was Buck, still beaming at Eddie like he won the lottery; eyes so bright they were literally glowing, his smile far too sharp to be human, matching the two growths sprouting from his head, and Eddie—

Eddie finally broke, body arching away from the burning heat that was spread out on top of him, letting out what he thought was a scream as everything went black.

#911 #buddie #Eddie diaz #Evan buckley #halloween #demon!Buck #demon!AU #flospeaks #fanfic #hurt/comfort

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