#me and my bff went on like 30 minutes talking about these 5 fucking seconds

[rayne-the-neutrois-nerd]

Cloud stabbing sephiroth and seph fuckin putting his arms around cloud and fuckin repeating "good" like GUYS you could have written this ANY OTHER WAY

[ourloveisforthelovely]

Fallout 5

A/n: Smut. RPF

Link to Chapter 4

Words: 2,979

Pairings: Richard Speight Jr x Reader

_______

The first few weeks in Germany was beyond busy for everyone! Other then sleeping at night, it seemed like you were lucky to pencil in a kiss with Richard. Night time was the closest the two of you got to have alone time was at night. Being so tired from jet lag and everything else, falling asleep happened before anything else.

For you, it was running between multiple panels and trying to get Rob on the phone. You had spoken to cuntzilla Crystal a few times. So far all that you would get was Crystal saying that Rob was fine. What made it more annoying was the fact that Rob wouldn’t take a moment to talk to you. Even if it was you doing the talking, you would have been happy! 

One morning, you woke up to Richard kissing your neck. You smiled feeling his fingers rub down your thighs.

“That feels nice.”

You sighed yawning as Richard began to rock his hips into your behind. 

“We haven’t had sex in days, sugar.”

You turned, locking your lips to his. 

“You’re spoiled.”

Richard groaned as your lips moved over his collarbone.

“Yeah. That may be true. Have you talked to your brother?”

You sighed, sitting up while Richard mentally kicked himself for ruining the mood.

“No, have you?”

You asked obviously frustrated. Richard shook his head.

“No, he won’t answer for me. Think he’s pissed we are dating again?”

You shrugged,

“I don’t see why he would be. When we were apart he was whining at me to talk to you. I think he ships us harder than anyone.”

Richard rolled his eyes.

“The fact your brother ships us is awkward to me.”

You fought back a laugh as you stood up fighting the wave of dizziness that went through you..

“Are you ok, sugar?”

Richard asked watching. You nodded.

“Think I got up too fast. I called Rob before you woke up and Cuntzilla answered the phone. You know how much I love her.”

Richard rolled his eyes and he pulled you into his arms.

“I’ll get ahold of him today. Don’t stress over it.”

You gave your boyfriend a dark look.

“Rich, that is like stabbing me with a knife and telling me not to bleed.”

Richard knew that you were right. Telling you to not worry about your brother was pointless. He reached out cupping your cheeks before pulling you into a kiss.

“I have something special planned for tonight.”

He whispered between kisses. You smiled.

“What is it?”

You asked softly. Rich groaned.

“Baby, that ruins the whole idea of a surprise.”

You sighed against his lips.

“We haven’t had a full day together in weeks. We need more than sleeping time.” 

Richard looked at you with guilty eyes.

“I know sugar. What I have planned will be worth it, I promise.”

Richard said looking down at his watch. As usual, it was time to go. He sighed looking back to you.

“I’ll see you soon.”

You nodded as he turned walking from the room without another word. Fighting off another wave of dizziness, you walked to the bathroom to get dressed. You didn’t have time to be getting sick! Whatever was trying to mess with you would have to go harass someone else! Being sick and doing conventions did not mix well and it wasn’t about to happen!

The next few hours passed without much excitement. You did a few interviews with Misha who was his normal perky self. Misha was eagerly smiling when he looked over to you seeing you fanning yourself..

“You straight?”

You nodded, taking a sip of the water that Misha handed you.

“Just sick to my stomach and dizzy the past few days. I think I am trying to catch something.”

“Want to go get some orange juice or smoothie?”

You shook your head looking disgusted.

“Ugh no! That sounds disgusting!”

Misha raised an eyebrow before  looking around to make sure there was no one watching them.

“Y/n, we have been BFF’s for a while now and I know you but are you sure you are not pregnant?”

You laughed.

“Misha, are you serious? You know I can’t get knocked up.”

Misha sighed.

“Well I also know that I have two kids and you are acting the same way Vicki did when she was pregnant both times. For shits and giggles let’s go see the hotel doctor. We can make sure you and Richard aren’t going to be having any fun additions.”

You rolled your eyes clearly not liking Misha’s idea.

“Fine, if it puts your mind at ease. After that, we will go buy us a little pony to name Cuddles.”

Misha smiled.

“I still, want that pony.”

30 minutes later, you sat on the hotel doctor’s exam table after he did a routine blood test. Misha sat in the corner looking at a brochure on STD’s. He looked over at you, giving you a smirk.

“I wonder if the good ole doc here sees a lot of this? He must with all these brochures. Yuck! I never want to get that.”

You chuckled. Misha always knew how to make you smile.

“I hope you wouldn’t.”

Both of you looked up as the doctor walked in with a smile on his face.

“Ms. Benedict,  you are definitely pregnant. I would say around 6 weeks. I would be considering making an appointment with your normal OBGYN when you get back to America.”

Misha’s mouth dropped as he considered a great way to rib Richard on this one later. His giddy thoughts were interrupted when you started laughing. 

“You’re funny! But I can’t get pregnant. I have been told that for years.”

The doctor looked down at the blood work and the pregnancy test he had you take before holding them out sheepishly. Your heart pounded as you read the word pregnant on both the test and the piece of paperwork. Swallowing, you were unsure what to think or say as the doctor looked at Misha.

“Are you the father?”

Misha blinked a few times counting backward on his hands to the time that the two of you had slept together.

“Unless she is five months along then no I am not. However, I know where I can find the father. Be right back!”

Misha stood prancing out of the room. He wandered through the hotel lobby realizing that Richard was about to do a panel. Making a b-line for the backstage area, Misha was relieved when he saw Richard talking to Mark Pellegrino.

“RICHARD!”

Misha yell/whispered. Richard looked up seeing Misha pointing to the door wildly. He said something that sounded like “hold on” to Mark before walking over.

“Yeah?”

Misha took a breath, feeling exhausted from running.

“I need you to come with me.”

Richard pointed to the stage.

“Uh kinda busy.”

Misha shook his head.

“Y/n needs you. She’s at the hotel dr. You need to come quick.”

Richard’s face immediately went worried as he motioned to Mark who nodded.

“What’s wrong?”

Richard asked as he and Misha quickly walked down the hall back to the hotel clinic.

“Uh I can’t say. She will have to tell you.”

Richard rolled his eyes.

“This better be something. If this is one of your little tricks I will throw something at you.”

You looked up the moment Misha walked in with Richard behind him.

“Y/n, what’s wrong? Are you okay? Misha is being a shit and wouldn’t tell me what’s happening?”

You glanced at Misha, who did his wide smile, before looking back to Richard and sliding off of the table. You smiled walking to him and placing the pregnancy test in his hand.

“Congratulations daddy.”

Richard looked at the test before looking back to you then back at the test. Right away he facial expression made you nervous. He ran a hand through his hair before finally speaking.

“Are you sure?”

You felt the happiness beginning to drain.

“Well…yeah. How hard is it to pee on a stick?”

Richard put the test down before muttering wow under his breath.

“I thought you couldn’t get pregnant?! I am a little old for this!”

Your mouth had dropped by this point and Misha looked completely floored too.

“I’m sorry to rain on your parade there asshole but yeah I’m pregnant and by you! Furthermore, you helped! I can’t believe this!”

You turned to walk from the room as Richard reached out to grab your arm.

“Back the fuck off!”

You growled before storming past Misha leaving the two men alone in the room. Misha looked to Richard with wide eyes.

“You sure handled that well.”

Richard gave his friend a glare before walking out in the opposite direction. 

An hour later, Richard had calmed down enough to talk to you. He stood outside of the hotel room for a moment before walking inside where you stood angrily packing your suitcases. Richard watched you a moment before finally speaking.

“What are you doing?”

You didn’t even look in his direction.

“What the hell does it look like? I’m done! I’m gone. I’m going back to Missouri where I should have fucking stayed. I should have never taken you back. This just proves it.”

Richard quickly shut the door crossing his arms over his chest.

“So you’re pregnant and you’re just going to get on a plane and go home alone?”

You nodded still not meeting Richard’s gaze.

“Mary rode a fucking donkey to Bethlehem I think I can handle an airplane. I’m not that delicate.”

Richard sighed making a mental note to calm his ass down too. Both of you getting in a screaming match wouldn’t really help at the moment.

“Sugar, first off that was in the bible and this isn’t the second coming. I never said you were delicate and couldn’t handle it. Can we talk about what happened?”

You shook your head finally looking up. Your face was tear streaked and that made Richard freeze where he stood. In all the time that the two of you had been together, Richard never once seen you cry. Now here you stood with tears running down your face that was caused by him.

“There is nothing to talk about Richard.”

You said coldly. Richard nodded.

“Uh yeah, there is a lot to talk about. For one, you are having my baby and are talking about leaving me. I have a problem with that.”

You wiped the tears off of your face. He was lucky that you weren’t throwing something at him. 

“Now you have a problem...after you treat me like shit.”

Richard quickly walked to you wrapping his arms around you.He was thankful when you didn’t fight back. He pressed a kiss to your forehead. 

“I’m sorry, Y/n. That was a douche move. I was just shocked ...floored is more like it. You didn’t deserve that.”

You sniffed and snuggled your face against his chest.

“No I didn’t. I was actually happy there for a minute, Richard. All of my life…well since I was 12 I’ve been told that I would never be able to have a baby. When that doctor told me I was pregnant and it being with you I had never been happier. Now I don’t know what I’m feeling.”

Richard sighed titling your face to his.

“I want you to be happy. I’m still in shock but I will be happy. You just have to give me some time to get over being thrown for a shock like that. I promise you, Y/n. I am not unhappy about it. I don’t want you to leave. This kind of ruined what I had planned.”

He slowly pulled away from you and went to his bag before coming back to you. Richard looked at you a moment before holding out a diamond ring.

“I was going to propose to you ...and no I am not doing this because you are pregnant. I’m doing it because I love you and I don’t want to be without you again. I had this whole grand romantic thing planned out. If you don’t believe me, you can ask Misha. He has known about the whole thing.”

You blinked, totally taken off guard! Richard slid the ring on your hand.

“Is that why Misha has been trying to measure my fingers and asking what kind of diamonds I like?”

Richard nodded.

“I thought he would have been a tad more discreet. Guess that’s what I get for asking Misha to do it.”

You smiled, looking down at your new engagement ring.

“He actually said it was for Vicky. Apparently, we have the same size of fingers and he needed to find her a new ring.”

Richard rolled his eyes.

“Ok, so maybe he didn’t do that badly. So sugar…will you marry me and not kill me tonight in my sleep?”

You nodded.

“Yes.”

Richard quickly pulling you into a kiss. He wished his plan had worked out a little bit better than what this was but it was still pretty damn perfect.

“How far did the doctor think you are?”

Richard asked as he gently laid you back onto the bed. You lifted your hips as he tugged off your jeans.

“6 weeks at the most. So you had to knock me up right after we got back together.”

Richard looked a little surprised.

“We have been fucking like bunnies for the past few weeks. Y/n,I want you to believe me when I say that I am happy okay?”

You nodded, feeling a little bit better when you looked into his eyes. Typically if Richard was bending the truth about something he wouldn’t be able to look you in the eyes. Tonight he was looking right at you.

“I believe you.”

You whispered as he stood and undressed.

“Come here, sugar.”

Richard pulled you into his arms and into a long passion driven kiss. This was the kind of kiss you had craved when you told him that she was having his child. Now Richard was finally giving you what you wanted. 

“I guess I am going to have to calm my ass down and won’t be able to fuck you until you can’t walk again for a while.”

Richard said with a smirk. You groaned as he slipped two fingers inside of you. You rocked your body against his hand as two fingers became three.

“It’s going to be a long nine months. I rather like that kind of fucking.”

Richard chuckled. Your sex drive was just as wild as his. Now both of you would both have to turn it down now.

“We’ll make it, sugar. There is a lot of other fun things I can do to you besides fucking you silly. You really liked it when I fucked you on the dryer that one-night …we can always do that a little more gently or I can eat you out on the couch again. You seem to enjoy what I can do with my hands.”

Richard half whispered before moving his index and middle finger scissoring you. You cried out against his mouth.

“Richard, stop being a tease and fuck me.”

“If that is what you want, princess.”

Richard said with a smirk before moving to get inside of you. He took extra care to not put too much weight on you as he pushed in. You dug your fingers into the bedding to cling to the sheets. After not making love for a few days, your body was aching for your fiance. You smiled at the thought of the word. Now you were going to marry the man that you loved and no one would have a word to say about it.

As Richard made love to you slowly, your mind, unfortunately, went from the thought of marrying Richard to your brother. Would Rob even care? You had tried to call him again after finding out that you were pregnant but as usual he didn’t answer.

“Are you okay?”

Richard asked pulling you from your thoughts. He quickly placed his thumb on your clit, applying enough pressure to keep any thoughts than that of his cock inside of you out..

“Yeah, I just didn’t want to come too fast.”

Richard shivered, feeling his orgasm building.

“We can always go again, sugar. I can’t…”

You tightened your body as he came undone. Richard shivered as he came hard. He dropped to your side before returning his thumb to your clit and pressing his lips back to yours. Richard returned his fingers inside of you; fingering you as hard as possible.

“That’s it, baby…come for me. I want to feel you get tight on my fingers.”

Richard growled as his free hand went to your breasts. He cupped them greedily. When your walls began to clench around his fingers, Richard knew that he had you exactly where he wanted.

“Now, sugar.”

You didn’t know if it was his southern accent slipping in or the way he knew seemed to exactly what to do but you came hard on his hand. Richard pulled away long enough to gather you into his.

“That was beautiful, baby. I love you.”

You smiled returning his lazy kiss.

“I love you. Guess we have to face our friends tomorrow with everything.” 

Richard smiled. 

“We are really about to rock their worlds.”

_________

@supernaturalways

@brokencasbutt67-writer

@emiwrites3reads

@summer-novak

@shaylybaby2032

@authoressskr

@marichromatic

@hankypranky

@wontlookaway

@untoldshortsofthefandoms

@fand0maniac

@fandom-trash-worth-it

@sprnaturallover @killtherandomness

@shitfaceddaniel

@shadows-and-padlocked-hearts

@marichromatic

@tas898

@li0nh34rt

@zelda2248

@christinababiee

[philosopherofnothing]

That Rude Laddie | Part 1 of?| Tom Holland x Reader

Ok, here we go. This is my first Tom Holland fic- pleaaaase be kind! English is not my mother tongue so I’d be eternally grateful if you correct my mistakes or tell me if something sounds funky or whatever. I’m also very inexperienced at Tumblr so idk if i’m doing this right lmao. Hope you like it!

WARNINGS: drinking, swearing (a lot), future smut. 

Summary: You are a 25-y-o English teacher living with Lisa, your best friend and owner of the pub you frequently visit in need of something to soothe your aching mind and heart (so extra). Tom is a regular and has a mild crush on your BFF, so he does not appreciate you being rude to her after a particularly rough day. Things get heated.

“Bad day, huh?”

You groaned as you plopped down on the bar stool and signaled your best friend to pour you a drink. She pulled a beer -your favourite brand- from under the bar-top and slid it towards you.

“These fucking children are going to be the death of me, I swear.” you grunted as you downed half the beer, making your friend give you quite a dirty look.

“What did they do this time?”

“Nothing! That’s what they did, nothing at all!” you yelped waving your arms around, and finished the beer in one swig. “No homework, no practising, no bringing the fucking photographs, nothing! How I am supposed to help them adapt to this country if they don’t do anything I ask them to?”

“But have you talked to..?”

“Of course I fucking tried! They don’t have time, Lisa. These parents… they have to work all day. Sometimes even two jobs. They’ll do anything to support their children. To give them a better life. And how do these nasty bastards pay them back? By going to class BAREHAND-”

“Calm the fuck down! You’re going to scare all my clients away” Lisa hissed while taking the empty bottle away. She hesitated, and then replaced it with a new one. “A little help on the house,”

“Cheers!” you smiled sarcastically and gulped it down.

“I thought you liked being a teacher. You seemed so excited when you started at the school” Lisa said as she wiped the bar-top and handed you a third beer, a worried look crossing her face.

“I do, L, I do. But it’s just… I hate when they don’t commit, you know?” you sighed, trying not to show how upset the thought made you.

It was true, though. Teaching was your true passion. You had moved overseas as soon as you’d finished your teacher training course and looked for any job opportunities that involved foreign children in English speaking countries. You wanted to help so badly. You also really enjoyed preparing classes and loved the look on their faces when they suddenly understood something, or how they sometimes hugged you at the end of a fun class. Luckily, it didn’t take you too long to find a job as a teacher, and that’s where you’d met Lisa; you two clicked right away and had become inseparable ever since. Now it was your fourth year at the school and everything had gone wrong. The group was hideous -fourteen 15-year-olds who where only interested in who got more likes on their Instagram posts- and you were overwhelmed. It didn’t help much that the rest of your life was absolute shit: the falling-out with your parents, the break-up, having to move in with Lisa because you were living in that cunt of your ex-boyfriend’s flat. And nothing seemed to get better.

“I’m sorry, dear. Why don’t you wait here until I close and they we can make something to eat and keep watching Sex Education?” your bestie smiled sympathetically.

“Love the idea. But, why don’t we order pizzas instead, huh?”

“We ate pizza yesterday, Y/N,”

“So?”

“We can’t eat pizza two nights in a row,”

“Yes, we can...”

“We are adults. We can cook. And also it’s not heal...”

“Don’t you dare say it,”

“...thy”

“You said it,”

“But it’s true, Y/N, you can’t fill yourself up with empty calories every time you..”

“You’re not the boss of me,”

“And you never let me forget that. I’m just trying to help you out!”

“So help me out paying for the pizza,”

“I’ve already given you 3 free beers,”

“And that’s not healthy either, is it? So I might as well choke on pizza tonight and start dieting tomorrow,”

“You are impossible,”

“Am not”

“Sorry, I don’t mean to interrupt,” you suddenly heard a husky voice coming from your right. You turned around, curiosity rising, but all you could see where brunette curls poking from under a black cap. You shifted slightly in your seat trying to get a better look of his face, but he seemed to be purposely hiding it from you. “Lis, can we get the same as before? That beer was sick. I’d never tried that brand before,”

“Sure, Tom. So 5 beers and one Diet Coke, then?” L asked as she raised a hand towards you, preventing you from speaking. Time out. “Shit, there aren’t any left here. Can you wait for like 2 minutes or do you want me to take them there?”

“Nah, it’s alright. I’ll wait,” he replied, beaming at her.

His eyes didn’t leave her body until she disappeared from sight. Ugh. He took his phone out and swiped away, a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth every now and again. He didn’t even look up once and you were now positively sure that he was ignoring you. Who is this guy and why is he looking at her like that? Also, why was he deliberately pretending you weren’t there? You weren’t sure if it was really you or the 3 beers that might have taken over your body, but the more he avoided you, the more you wanted him to notice you. You shifted in place one more time and cleared your throat, but he still acted like you weren’t there.

“Hey,” you said, turning around on the stool and placing your chin on your hand.

He stopped moving for a fraction of a second, and you could see, hell, feel how much he didn’t want to talk to you. You were a little bit taken aback, and the feeling intensified when he looked up at you. He was young, or at least he seemed like it. You were expecting him to be a grown-ass man… you know, those were usually stupid enough to be completely oblivious to your beauty and charm. But not a boy. How was he even in there? He couldn’t be over 18. He had no facial hair whatsoever -your ex was 30 and couldn’t grow a beer either, hon- and he was wearing a Spiderman tee.

“Hiya,” he replied, his little smile never reaching his eye, and then went back to his phone.

What is wrong with him? “It’s Tom, isn’t it? I’m Y/N,”

“Yeah,”

And nothing. Wow.

“Nice meeting you too, Tom”

He sighed and looked up, eyes facing straight forward. “What do you want?”

What did he just say? “Beg your pardon?”

“I said what do you want,”

“Hhm, rude,”

“Look who’s talking,”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You think I don’t know who you are?” he spat as he turned around, his face exuding disgust.

“Well, I don’t know who you are so I wouldn’t even know why you know me,”

“I’ve seen you a couple of times around here. I don’t like how you treat Lisa,”

“Um, excuse you? She’s my friend. You don’t get to tell me how to treat my friends,”

“And you don’t get to treat people like shit,”

“We are just fucking arou… why am I even telling you this? You don’t even know me!”

“Thank God,”

“Wow, you are one rude laddie,”

“What did you just call me?”

“I called you, Tom, a rude laddie. What are you going to do about it, huh? Call your parents?  Or should I call them and tell them where you are? I’m no lenient Lisa,”

He stifled a laugh with the back of his hand. “Oh my God. You can’t be serious.  You actually think I’m a little boy,”

Oh, what have I done? “Well, you certainly act like one,”

“And you certainly act like an c…”

“Ok, enough!!” Lisa cut him off, placing the beers with a loud clunk in front of Tom. “Jesus Christ, I could hear you two barking at each other from back there,”

“Y/N, Tom is 22 and he has every right to be here, so sod off. Tom, I’m sorry but Y/N is my best friend, and we do what best friends do: fuck with each other. You don’t need to stand up for me. It was very sweet, don’t get me wrong, but there was no need,” she finished, blushing a bit at the end. Really?

“Sorry, Lis. It won’t happen again. Thanks for the beers, love. I’ll send Sam if we need anything else,” he beamed at her and then proceeded to glare at you nastily before walking away. 

You gave him the finger as soon as he turned around but L was having none of it. 

“Come here, you little piece of sh... ARE YOU FUCKING OUT OF YOUR MIND? WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?” Lisa yelled as she dragged you to the storage room.

“What are you yelling at me for? It’s not my bloody fault! He was being a dick to me! I just said hi and he started acting all pedantic, what was I supposed to do?”

“Are you shitting me?! Did you not realise who that was? For God’s sake, Y/N, get your head out of your ass!”

“Well, that was uncalled for,”

“That was Tom Holland, you fucking git!

Silence. 

“Y/N?”

“Tom Holland- like, Spiderman Tom Holland?”

“Yeah. Christ,”

“Oh, fuck me,”

“I’m not giving you any free beers ever again,”

[acidmatze]

Not sure how many had been in the same situation but being told that youre really poor by your parents while somehow your dad can always afford everything he wants is really damn frustrating when growing up.

Like... Dad always had the best cars and big TVs and all those status symbol things. He didnt give a damn about clothes though. But that doesnt matter. Not sure when it started since my brother often talks about all the trips they did together so seems when he was a kid my dad wasnt that bad yet. But I grew upo with being told we dont have money. But only whenever I needed something. Whenever my dad wanted something he just went and bought it. He wanted a new car? So he just went and got one. New TV? Good, just go and buy one. When I needed new pants because who would have known that kids grow but clothes dont? Nope, no money for that. He yelled at mom for “wasting money” when going grocery shopping because he has no idea how much things cost since he never actually went into a store to get food himself. Oh but hes good at buying cars at least. When i asked why we cant go on holiday like all the other kids we suddenly had no money. When I asked for a new TV we suddenly had no money. When I needed new school stuff I was afraid of telling my parents in fear that dad would throw a tantrum When I was around 18 i wanted a new TV and dad said we cant afford it. A week later he came back home with a new TV for 1000€ for himself. When I got angry about this i got yelled at. Like.. I was an adult at that time. I still got yelled at until just 2017 when I bought groceries for our group at the rehab thing cuz the group wallet was already brought back but we forgot to get stuff. I literaly exited the store and already had my mom caling me and yelling at me what I need 30€ for groceries for. Its my own money. Wtf. Now they wonder why I dont throw away old clothes that are ratty, 15 years old and dont even fit. Geeeeeeeez I dunno maybe because Im still afraid of buying stuff for myself because all my life i got yelled at for it? As a kid i actually believed their lie. But as I got older it just didnt add up anymore. How did they manage to pay off a 100.000€ house withing like two years? If youre poor you cant just do that. Why can dad afford a 30.000€ car but not my 5€ socks? Why can he buy a flatscreen and tons of electronic knicknacks he doesnt even know how to use but my computer was second hand because then suddenly we had no money? I was afraid all my childhood about things costing money because io knew my parents would yell at me for wanting something. When my bff and his brothers just went into a store and bought stuff for themselves as kids without assuming their parents would yell I was so floored. And they actually didnt had much money. And yet they were allowed to buy sweets on their own from their own pocket money.

Anyway.... having parents that either coddle you and in the next minute completely ignore you for days and scream at you for every little thing seriously fucks you up.

[homosociallyyours]

a friend just posted a pic on fb of the coffee shop we used to hang out at, taken way back in the day. it’s just a shot of the place taken from inside, looking out the big glass windows and onto the street of downtown chattanooga. but one friend pointed out that she could see another friend’s van parked across the street, and one of the baristas came on and said he’d taken the photo and then proceeded to post a bunch more. 

anyway i’m feeling nostalgic so i’m posting about it. memories behind the cut. 

i started going there when i was maybe 15 years old. i don’t remember why, but it’s likely that the artsy nerd club i was a part of (we stayed after school to watch amadeus and monty python and we’d sometimes go to the local art museum) went there after a meeting one day. or maybe someone told me about it. anyway, it was my favorite place to go. i would drink pots of tea, always trying new things. 

on my 16th birthday my parents got me a teapot from there and a gift certificate to buy tea with. i had that teapot til it broke a year ago. 20+ years! it moved with me to and from college, to nyc, california, texas, and back to california. damn. 

anyway after i’d been going for a while i started talking with the owner. his name was ian, and he was pretty young. he loved tea and coffee and he had a roaster where they’d make their own coffee. it was loud and lovely, and for a long time it lived up front, right by a little elevated area with couches. when it was running you couldn’t hear anything and had no choice but to either shout or be quiet. 

ian encouraged my love of tea, and offered to keep track of everything i’d tried in a little notebook that was kept behind the counter. i got to make notes on every pot i drank, and i remember writing “terrible! grass!” after my first pot of green tea (it was oversteeped--my fault--and probably made with water that was too hot--their fault). i had my first pu-er there, and fell in love with its damp leaf flavor and that turned earth scent that it has. i drank multiple pots of jasmine pearls and wrote a caffeine fueled poem about it with a friend. i loved that little coffee shop. 

i don’t remember when i went from hanging out inside to hanging out outside, but i feel like i was 18 or so. the older people (they were probably barely 21-25, fucking babies) sat out there smoking and drinking coffee. i developed a crush one summer on a guy who made me think of arthur dent for some reason (don’t ask because i don’t know) and we went on one awkward date and didn’t kiss, and now i wonder what’s happened to him and if he, too, wasn’t straight. who knows? someone, i’m sure, but i can’t remember his last name anymore so is it even relevant? 

i’d never felt cool til i went off to college. it was like leveling up without trying, like when you’re playing a game and do one action and suddenly all your stats are refilled and you’re like...this is unexpected? but i’ll take it? i think that’s why i decided i could really sit with the outside tables. that and my bff, who was dating someone who was friends with a lot of those people, would show up sometimes and sit out there. 

(if you’ve actually been reading along so far, here’s where i’m gonna introduce you to a bunch of people i’ve never talked about before and will likely never mention again. just so you have fair warning.) 

the cast of characters shifted a lot, but there were always the constants. scott, the barista, who was much older than most of the people hanging out but looked young and seemed young. i look back with adult eyes and question the relationship we had, but at the time i just thought it was cool that someone so much older thought i was worth hanging out with. but he was 30 when i was 19, and man that’s a lotta years. he had a summer where he hit on my friend and i constantly, after his wife left him and he was kinda floundering a bit. but it never went past flirting and it never bothered me, though like i said it kinda does now. we were still hanging out when i was 21 and we’d go get beers after the coffee shop closed at ten or midnight. he’d turn up obnoxious music really loud and i’d sometimes help close. 

there was gabe and george, brother and sister in a family of people with names starting with the letter g. george was tiny and cute and either very drunk or very hyper from coffee at all times. gabe was a nerd who was usually quiet but loved to play scrabble, and we’d take the board inside sometimes and battle one another. he was much better than me, i won’t lie. liz and ever were both writers who would play with us sometimes. ever had changed her name at some point (to ever; any name she had before is irrelevant) and when we met she explained the meaning of her new name, which i won’t give because damn it’s very google-able. 

she was a so fascinating to me, always talking about some feminist theory or philosopher, and i always felt so smart when we’d hang out. like a Serious Thoughtful Adult and not a kid. and liz was less serious but no less smart. she played scrabble a lot more and for a while we got pretty close. she took me out after coffee sometimes to a shitty bar with pool tables and tried to teach me how to play pool. she had her own cue and even though she was like 5′2″ she could break like nobody’s business. i never figured out how to do that part. 

alex would come with us sometimes. he was tall and handsome and rode a motorcycle, and was the first openly bi guy i ever met. one time he invited me over to his house and we laid around listening to the smiths and talking. he burned me a copy of their greatest hits that i still have, all scratched up so it probably doesn’t play anymore. he crashed his bike more than once driving drunk. dumb fuckin kid. now he repairs coffee machines and sails, i think. life is funny. 

a few other people ran in groups. meg and waide and the aforementioned jason and ardyce. some people called meg “big megan” and another megan (her family was really wealthy, rich southern politicians who knew the clintons and have a mention in sweet home alabama--the song, not the movie) was “little megan” because she was still in high school. i joked that i was medium megan, but the whole thing was awkward because big megan was fat and i was small fat and little megan was skinny. i’m gonna blame it on thoughtless dudes, but who the fuck knows? we all pretended not to mind it anyway. 

waide ended up being a connection with other people who i met later. my hometown is weird in that it’s actually a pretty big part of the southern punk scene, so a lot of punks i meet have spent time there, and anyone over a certain age probably spent time at the bar waide worked at (the stone lion, and then maybe also the pickle barrel) so he’s one of those people who i’ll end up mentioning even though we haven’t spoken in years. 

at some point a kid named ory showed up. i think he was 16 when he started coming around, and i used to call him puppy because he was excitable and silly, full of energy one minute and then mopey crashing the next. like a lot of people there he drank a lot and would be fucked up sometimes and make dumb choices. i always wanted to protect him. when i was 22 (and he was 19, i think) we ended up sitting together at the second lotr movie and having some kind of weird chemistry. that summer i drove him home one night and we had a super heavy make out with lots of clothed grinding. honestly the furthest i’ve ever gone with a cis straight(ish, he hooked up with a couple dudes but idk if he’d say he’s bi) dude and it was awkward in that we never talked about it? and then he came to visit me a couple years later in new york because he was in the navy, and he got super drunk and passed out on my couch and was a mess because he literally never stopped being a puppy. 

he’s fucked up now, fully cancelled bc he said shit about girls rock camp (really dude?) and also probably cheated on his wife on their honeymoon? idk, it was fb rumors and then he deleted. but i’d believe it, honestly. 

and then there were all these absolutely random downtown characters: dirty mark (a crusty punk who was drunk or high most of the time) and shirtless dave (yeah he really didn’t wear a shirt that much) usually came as a pair. sometimes dave hung out with a guy my friends and i called blue hair. he once hit on my friend and she panicked and gave him my number instead of hers because her brain didn’t make up a fake number fast enough. 

there was sandy the flower man, who just passed away a couple weeks ago. he’d get flowers from local florists and go around on his bike, stopping into the coffee shop or to bars with roses and carnations and daisies. people gave him money usually, but sometimes he’d just hand you a flower because he wanted to. i saw a picture from a memorial and there was a portrait of him that was sat on top of his bicycle, all of it surrounded with flowers on flowers. so pretty. it’s what he deserved. 

things changed around 2005 or so, i think. by that time, all the old baristas had left and the kids who came in were all weirdly religious and went to the christian college on the mountain. they made shitty coffee and sometimes played xtian rock and most of the old regulars couldn’t take it anymore. ian got sick around that time, too, and ended up selling the place. they stopped carrying much tea, if any. 

but they finally sold the space and moved in like 2015. i remember the first time i drove by and didn’t see the lights on inside. it felt like seeing a friend from grade school all grown up, maybe the kid you had a crush on but they have a family now and you don’t think they’d recognize you at all so you just have to walk away. gone. 

fuck this post is long as shit, i’m sorry for anyone on mobile. but damn it was good to get my memories out. 

[365-money-diary]

days 63-69

day sixty-three [mar. 5]

8:00 am - Notice my tax refund has hit +$1213! Make a chemex. Try to be chill for this am’s call. It’s kind of a big one.

10:00 am - Well it went really well. I was asked to be a decisionmaker on the call so that’s a nice boost to my ego. Eat the final piece of pineapple pie to celebrate / also just to eat breakfast.

2:00 pm - I have a giant monthly report that I’m delivering next week, so I get started on that. I get ¼ of the way done and decide to cut work early to exercise. 

5:30 pm - We try to order from Monroe’s – the hot chicken place I picked up food from for M’s birthday but it’s closed / not taking online orders. We decide to get Cornish Pasty instead. K gets a veggie Mexican and I get the vegan Guinness stew. We also share an order of oven chips with garlic & jalapeno. K pays for this one.

8:30 pm - I am so so full. I have a phone date tonight with C - I think in my last diary I referred to him as BFF? Either way, he’s moved to Seattle and we chat probably every month or so for a few hours. I am feeling so so full from pasty that I take a really long walk to settle my stomach. I walk to the lake and then across and down to campus. At some point I stop to buy a water from a vending machine but it gives me a Dr. Pepper. Find a different one and buy a water instead. $4.25

11:30 pm - Realize I need to go to bed and let C go.

day sixty-three total: $0

day sixty-four

8:30 am - Wake up and make a chemex. Read a few chapters of The Guest List and start to move all of the furniture in the living room into the center of the room for the trim. Spend the next hour cleaning/prepping while K walks to the lake.

11:00 am - Last time I did the kitchen my quads were so sore so I decide to do a pure barre class prior to starting knowing that I’ll be way too sore tomorrow.

12:30 pm - K and I are determined to get this hot chicken. We place an order at the downtown location and I go over there to pick it up. We both get vegans - extra hot + hot + fries + 2 orders of pickles. $48.18

3:00 pm - Finally start taping the living room.

6:45 pm - That took 400 years. Start the first layer of paint.

9:45 pm - Second layer of paint.

11:45 pm - Eat some chips and salsa. Manage to bolt the door closed and head to bed. What a day.

day sixty-four total: $48.18

day sixty-five

8:45 am - Wow my legs. I am so so sore. I want to try to get the living room put back together as soon as possible so I don’t delay in making my coffee and ripping up tape. 

11:00 am - Why does this take 800 years? It’s not fair. Make us tofu/egg tacos for breakfast with low carb tortillas.

12:00 pm - K helps me put the room back together. We really take our time sweeping and dusting and even going through all of our things. He is a big help! 

2:30 pm - The living room is put back together! Rejoice.

3:30 pm - K and I go hit golf balls. We both do a lot better than the first time we went out and have a lot of fun. He pays for the bucket of balls.

5:00 pm - Toss beans in the instant pot.

6:00 pm - Pour a glass of wine and meet with K’s family on zoom.

7:30 pm - Big burritos for din with beans, rice, lettuce, cheeze, & jackfruit with chips and salsa.

8:00 pm - idk what’s up with me but i am in a huge snacky mood. Eat chocolate and a few spoonfuls of peanut butter. 

9:00 pm - K walks to the lake and I start scoping out clothes/sales again. I have a $100 gift card from Everlane for Christmas from K’s parents and decide to use that. I buy 2 dresses and a pair of pants. ($18.27) I also stumble across a pair of boots that are just beautiful. I want them so badly but they’re made of leather. I scope out Poshmark and find a pair in my size and they’re ACTUALLY used and in my size. They’re listed for $80 and I offer $70. The seller accepts ($83.12) $101.39

day sixty-five total: $101.39

day sixty-six

8:00 am - I am so sore still. Ugh. Pure barre charge comes thru. $15

10:00 am - Officially done with pie for breakfast so I eat yogurt instead. 

12:00 pm - Finish the last of the BBQ chicken salad for lunch. Continue my shopping adventures and find a pair of mules from Madewell on Poshmark. Offer $50 and it’s accepted. $61.50

4:00 pm - I’m still pretty sore but I stretch out a bit and do a pure barre livestream. 

5:30 pm - The weather is really nice out and so I decide to read on the porch. It doesn’t take long before K asks me to come with him to his office so he can clean out his stuff. Background: he was furloughed in August and the place he works isn’t renewing the lease. 

7:00 pm - We arrive home. I think K feels defeated. I kinda do too.. Feels like the end of an era. He isn’t up for dinner. I heat up some pozole for myself.

8:00 pm - K decides to go for a walk and I want to finish Season 21 of The Challenge (Rivals) so I stay home. Make a rum drink with soda water, a tiny agave squeeze and some limes. It’s very good.

day sixty-six total: $76.50

day sixty-seven

7:45 am - up early today. I have a meeting at 8:30 today to pull some data/talk about KPIs for the project I’ve been put in “decision-maker status” for. The meeting goes well and I feel good about the data alignment.

9:30 am - I get sent a zoom link without any warning. I tell them to give me a minute so I can pee and heat up my coffee. On my way to the kitchen I knock over a glass and it shatters EVERYWHERE. I take a few minutes to clean it up and forget to pee.

10:45 am - run to the restroom. K asks me to join him in the spare room where his “office” is. I work on reporting for a while in there. Eat plant yogurt.

12:30 pm - i wait too long to eat and am feeling overwhelmed and stressed. K rubs my back and helps me clean the kitchen. I swear these dishes never end.

1:15 pm - i have to pee again and this time it burns. Fuck fuck fuck. Not sure if it’s yeast or urinary tract but either one can’t be good. I pay some more attention to my body and realize that i can feel my bladder swelling which means i’m in uti territory. I have a super sensitive bladder and this puts me in a panic. Change my underwear, dig through my supplies and find a test strip, and AZO. Pound a bunch of water to keep things moving. 

1:45 pm - Fears are realized. At home UTI test comes back positive. I am able to land a prescription very quickly through undisclosed sources. In the meantime, I take AZO for my symptoms and advil for my bladder inflammation.

5:45 pm - Finish working for the day and all I want is a glass of wine but I know that will fuck up my urinary tract even more. Stick to water and such. Decide not to work out tonight either given I don’t have the antibiotics yet and any agitation to my bladder will harm my current state.

6:15 pm - Roast potatoes in the oven and the text from CVS comes that my prescription is ready. Roll on over to pick it up. $1.02

7:00 pm - Buffalo chicken sandwiches is the vibe for dinner. Continue drinking water, take more AZO. 

day sixty-seven total: $1.02

day sixty-eight

8:00 am - wake up feeling like my body did some solid healing work. Make a chemex and QA some stuff for a 9:30 meeting where I have to present.

11:00 am - plant yogurt. Definitely feeling a lot better today already AND my calendar is clear for work aka def going to work out before 5. 

11:45 am - Buy vitamin D on amazon but it’s free since I have the gift card from my boss. Eat leftover cauliflower fried rice for lunch.

3:00 pm - work is actually slow today and my urinary tract is feeling on the mend. Take a barre class recording and shower all before 4 PM.

6:00 pm - tonight we’re doing leftover big burritos with roasted potatoes. We’re out of tortilla chips and honestly dipping the potatoes in salsa is pretty dope.

8:00 pm - i kinda ease in and out of feelin’ tired. Read some of The Guest List before turning in.

day sixty-eight total: $0

day sixty-nine

8:00 am - wake up feeling again like i was in a deep deep healing mode sleep. Make coffee and get to work.

11:30 am - make pad thai for lunch.

2:30 pm - try on all of my clothes that came from ann taylor/loft plus the boss boot shoes from poshmark. Everything fits really well and I’m happy I took the plunge to figure out what my new sizes actually are. I am still really self conscious of my belly… it’s like a ledge and i really don’t get it because i am otherwise very thin. It could be a hormone thing or it could be a gut thing but i decide to try to tackle both at once. Vitamin d and zinc for horomones (which I already have on hand) i do some research and find a supplement from hum nutrition to try and decide to start taking ACV shots to see if anything changes. $25.45

4:50 pm - do a pure barre live stream recording. Shower and eat too many snacks.

7:00 pm - start a new season of the challenge while k goes to hit golf balls. Upon his return I make him a burrito with potatoes and myself some leftover pozole.

11:00 pm - finish the guest list. Didn’t see the ending coming at all! Get some sleep for vaccine #2 tomorrow.

day sixty-nine total: $25.45

[vivaindiffrnce]

 GERMANY TOUR: WIESBADEN, LINDAU AND LEIPZIG

probably the best three days of my life. definitely the most adventurous weekend ever.

(more after the cut cause that post would be way too long without it) (but yooo read it if you can it was an Adventure)

(i’m gonna do it in bullet points cause After Tour Sickness is real and i’m pretty cure i have fever lmao)

WIESBADEN:

patrick and i drove from his place to wiesbaden around 10

played werewolves and cards against humanity with derek (he picked my card in his round B) he liked the idea of heaven being full of puppies)

derek smoked my weed and stole brendon’s lighter because he got “inspired”

pro tip: if you’re planning to eat food out of cans for a few days don’t forget to pack a can opener

the show was amazinggggg 

i ripped my pants and bruised my entire butt in the pit 10 seconds into dirty fucker (i officially have the Real punk ripped pants so i’m happy about that)

after the show we waited for frank, he came out suuuuper late (like 1:30) and came up to the small group of people that were still there, we were talking in a group for a couple of minutes

he asked us what songs we wanted on the setlist so patrick and i were like….. BFF and this song is a curse etc and he included all the songs we asked for in the next setlist uwu

after a few minutes he was like…. so does anyone want some pictures or something, it was hilarious

“my hands are too small to sign this record”

when my turn came i asked for my personalized boozey and the convo went something like

me: sooo i wanted to ask you to draw a boozey for me. but. the boozey is a vampire. how cool is that. a vampire ghost. cara: ALLIGATOR ghost (yea she beat me, that’s so much cooler and i’m gonna work on that tattoo)

then our Squad asked frank for a picture 

basically everyone (including cara) was like “FRANK NO” and frank was like “FRANK YES” (you can see the result of this mess in picture 3 and the gif- thank god for live pictures)

LINDAU:

we drove all night to motherfucking bavaria and after that i was so tired i don’t even remember falling asleep, just waking up covered in blankets with my friends around me

tubthumping officially became our tour song

patrick said i was a highlight of the tour cause i was so delirious i was singing britney spears?

i accidentally rickrolled the entire queue, derek, frnk and the patience and dave hause.

later brendon, patrick and i went to smoke a joint (the dutch culture B)) with derek and a few people joined (haha get it, joined for a joint) and among these people was matt olsson, and miles from the mermaid (but he couldn’t smoke with us after all cause he had soundcheck) so that’s the story how we smoked weed with the homeless gospel choir and ¼ of the patience

started a pit before doors to all star and britney spears and taking back sunday????

derek’s set was A MESS, his guitar cable wasn’t working so he went down to the crowd using patrick’s head to support himself and we went on stage so we switched places (you can see that in one of the pictures, i’m the one sitting on the edge of the stage in my death tshirt)

later he forgot lyrics to crazy

LATER his guitar string broke so he played normal with just 5 strings and for why he got to play frank’s guitar

he was super sad about that set later but for me it was the best show of his out of the ones i saw, it was so magically imperfect and everyone had so much fun

the fiatp show was even more amazing than the show in wiesbaden

i hugged the fuck out of patrick during BFF 

started a 5 person big pit in the front row to this sing is a curse, because MYYYYY FRIENDS WE CAN DO ANYTHING WITH SCIENCE EXCEPT SAY GOODBYE

 we were going right after the show cause we had to drive like 6 hours to leipzig

at like 6am i asked nina to play danger days cause it was finally not raining and when planetary go started playing i realised i was going 160 km/h (context: i’m usually too scared to go over 70 in a 90 zone in poland)

turns out it’d be better if i didn’t go that fast cause later i got a speeding ticket for going over 70 in a 60 zone…… hope i’ll get the lower ticket cause i want to be able to afford to live this month

LEIPZIG

the queue was the coolest and chillest queue ever idk it was awesome

i drew some doodles on a poster hanging around the venue and someone thought they were made by frank so they stole the poster lmao now an emo kid has mine and patrick’s matching tattoo hanging in their room

i did entire choreography to the eye of the tiger on top of a random cabinet in front of the venue

a group of Adults following derek on tour asked us if we wanted some food cause they ordered way too much and didn’t wanna waste it and tbh i was so moved but i couldn’t really show it but i hope that’s the kind of person i will be in a few years

THE BEST SHOW I HAVE EVER BEEN TO

almost passed out like twice but the show was so good i’m pretty sure the only thing holding me up was my will to get to the end of the show

it was so good…. we went soooo fucking hard holy shit

nina and i went so hard to helter skelter wtf that was amazing (who’d think the beatles could make us go that hard)

nina caught evan’s picks and gave one to me!!!!!

met evan and cara after the show and evan signed my record and my pick and cara signed my setlist (she signed it as “coffeebutt” i love her)

ok so after the show frank wasn’t supposed to go out but one girl gave her drawing of frank to derek (to give it to frank you get me) and frank liked it so much he came out of the bus just to find her and he just stayed to say hi to us i guess?

patrick and i asked frank to draw friendship tattoos for us and he drew the most amazing design ever and explained it as “poison and antidote” and the designs are perfect for us holy shit

then we got a hardstyling picture with frank so tbh what more could i ask for? i have officially acheived my final form

matt and alex also signed my record (keep the coffins coming) so now i have ktcc with everyone’s signatures 

i think that alex was kinda… intoxicated so he wasn’t happy when i asked him to sign it cause he “doesn’t play on that record. he plays the songs but he doesn’t actually play on any record” and i didn’t know what to say so i just left lmao

then we talked about politics with evan for a couple of minutes it was great, love me some Woke Guitarists

idk it was amazing idk what else to say

so yeah. 5 shows down, 8 to go. the best time of my life and i can’t wait for friday!!!

[inadarkdarkroom]

The YouTube Video

Two years ago, around late September, early October - I experienced something that I truly believe to be malevolent and paranormal in nature.

I was living on the Upper East side of Manhattan (think Yorkville). I rented a seriously small, first floor, front-of-the-building, studio apartment (Around 350 sq ft - maybe less) and it was a loft, so my bed was above the kitchen/bathroom. And there was a gigantic window out to the street. I also have an 8 lb miniature pinscher, named Miniature, who thinks she is the ultimate guard dog. Setting details.

One night, I was clicking through the internet watching police brutality videos because the Treyvon Martin case was flooding the media and I just kept clicking on the youtube suggested videos, torturing myself. Somehow I eventually clicked on some video, I don’t even know how I stumbled across this shit, but it looked like a fucking documentary or home video made like 30 some years ago; I swear this shit was absolutely real. And it definitely dealt with the occult. There was definitely something weird happening. For almost 7 minutes, I sat watching this shitty, old video. I was pretty confused about what I was watching and then, what can only be described as a child like maybe 10, ? idk, who was either seriously suffering from the most intense mental disturbance ever or actual demonic possession, started doing HORRIBLE things to another child and I closed the computer window IMMEDIATELY. Shut my computer. Stood up and paced the fuck out of my apartment for a good 15 minutes. I was shaking and crying and I wanted to throw up. I couldn’t believe what I just watched. I felt a fear I genuinely cannot explain. I only know it made me feel terror.

I called a friend and talked about normal things for a while, not mentioning anything about what I watched, just to clear my mind of it. I had a glass of wine. Put my dog up in my loft and crawled up and went to sleep - all normal.

Except, at around 3am that night, I was woken up by a very bright, flashing light. I honestly thought someone was taking pictures outside my window. I couldn’t see the source of this flashing light, but it wasn’t the light for my apartment I could tell, and coming from the window was the only other reasonable option. I lay there, terrified, trying to think of what I should do. Finally, I grab the crowbar that I kept next to by bed, crawl down from my loft to peek out of the window. Nothing. I figure I must be crazy. So I crawl back up to my loft. Lay my head down. My TV down below turns on. I think, ‘maybe I stepped on the remote when I was downstairs’ (I didn’t, the remote was absolutely on the coffee table). I crawl back down. Turn off the TV. Stand there for a second to confirm that the TV is, in fact, off. All of a sudden I hear music coming from my loft and my dog is whimpering like crazy. I crawl back up to find that my iPhone, which is plugged in on the opposite end of my loft, 4 feet away from where I seep, has started playing music I have never heard before. I freak out, grab my dog and my phone, turn on all the lights and watch Golden Girls until I have to go to work.

While I’m getting ready to leave for work, my dog continuously barks at nothing in my loft. I go to work. I come back. I unlock my door and open, but something is partially blocking the entrance... My dresser, which sits next to my front door (NYC loft, remember). I have to use ALL of my weight to push my door and dresser open enough to weasel my way in. My dog is shaking in the corner. I move my dresser back and close the door. I watch the news. My friend comes over. We’re hanging out, laughing, catching up. I get up to use the restroom and when I walk back to the main area, my friend has a horrified look on her face. She says everything on my coffee table fell over sideways. Like all at once. And she didn’t bump into it or anything. Obviously, this scares the shit out of me, but I don’t mention what happened the night before because I honestly just don’t want to talk or think about it. My friend leaves, I go to bed. 3am. The bright flashing light. And I hear a knocking on wall my this time. Not from the door. From the wall. Next to my head. I grab my dog and close my eyes and tell myself it’s not real over and over until I finally fall asleep. I wake up and feel sick. Like, irritable and on edge. I get ready for work. My dog is barking at the loft. I leave for work. I come home. I open my door. ALL the books on my bookshelf have not just fallen off - they are scattered around my apartment. On my couch, in my kitchen, throughout my living room and my coffee table has moved like 4 feet. I sit on my couch in shock, wondering if I’ve been robbed - but nothing is missing. And my door was locked and my window is locked... As I’m sitting on the couch, a lamp like 5 feet away from me breaks. Like, shatters into pieces. I FaceTime one of my bffs in Texas because I am just really unsettled and need to talk to a person where I can see them. My friend and I talk for like, an hour, laughing etc. etc, and randomly, I see what looks like a speck out of the corner of my eye. Mind due, this is fall in NYC, where it gets dark well before I leave work for the day. So this is not the glare from the sun or anything. I decide not to pay attention to it, but as I continue the conversation with my friend, I see she has a look of horror on her face. Now, I haven’t mentioned the sinister shit of late at all. So when she tells me she saw a face next to my face, like a face that looked like it was screaming at my face, I freak the FUCK OUT. I tell her I have to go. I immediately pour a glass of wine and call my very religious cousin and ask her a billion questions about ghosts or whatever. She tells me things that only make me feel more unsettled so I just ask her to pray or whatever with me right now, because I am truly fucking scared. I am not a religious person, but I urgently felt the need to pray.

Nothing happened that night. In fact, I made my cousin pray over the phone with me every night for a week. And things happened, though less often, with the flashing lights, and the knocking, and the music playing, and things knocking over and my dog barking at nothing. I still felt a very dark, ominous presence. I bought sage to burn. I spoke with a priest. I bought holy water.

One night, I came home very drunk from a night out and my dog was whimpering and running around in a circle, like her bum was hurting. I picked her up and just started yelling, “Listen, fucker! I’m moving out in like two months, asshole! I don’t give a shit about you! You don’t scare me at all! And if you fuck with my dog, I will find a way to fucking kill you whoever you are, understand?? Now GO THE FUCK AWAY!!” And I then I crawled up to my loft with my dog and passed the fuck out.

I wasn’t much afraid of the thing after that. I didn’t like it but it didn’t fuck with my dog ever again. And I did move out two months later. And I don’t watch random youtube videos anymore.

[vampir3d]

Thanks for tagging me @suchaverageverywow  !! <3

THE LAST…

1. Drink: Flat Dr. Pepper

2. Phone call: My boyfriend before cos I was checking he wasn’t dead (he wasn’t just ill)

3. Text message: My boyfriend again, this time talking about cheesy garlic bread

4. Song you listened to: Sweat - The All-American Rejects

5. Time you cried: Sunday night because I thought about my Guinea Pig that died a couple of months ago. I’m sad af. But also, I’m adopting this cute fluffy black one hopefully soon!! So I will stop crying.

HAVE YOU EVER…

6. Dated someone twice: This is the second time I’ve ‘dated’ my bf but the first time was very short and we broke it off because of my anxiety issues. We decided to stay friends and get to know each other, before, eventually after a year, we decided we should get back together (because I love him still).

7. Been cheated on: No, thankfully

8. Kissed someone and regretted it: No, actually.

9. Lost someone special: Not unless you count the Guinea Pig from before^^

10. Been depressed: Well everyone feels depressed from time to time but I would not say I am depressed.

11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: I threw up last week but that may not have been the alcohol, I feel, but I dunno it also could have been... I think I ate too much tbh.

LIST 3 FAVOURITE COLOURS:

12. Red

13. Pink (though it’s just a lighter shade of red innit)

14. Black

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU…

15. Made new friends: Yes, especially my friendo Jasmin I would say, who I’ve made really good friends with this year :))

16. Fallen out of love: No

17. Laughed until you cried: I laugh at everything, yes definitely. My friend fell off her chair today trying to kick the boy in front of her and I nearly cried.

18. Found out someone was talking about you: No...

19. Met someone who changed you: Literally every person tbh

20. Found out who your true friends are: Yes... I already knew but I think it became more prominent and I realised I didn’t have to bother with them as much.

21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: Well yeah, I have my bf on Facebook so...

22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: Pretty much all, I don’t add internet friends on Facebook. I dunno why, I don’t really use it that much tbh.

23. Do you have any pets: Miso is my fish (his counterpart was called Sushi because I’m hilarious) and I may be adopting a Guinea Pig this weekend which is called Bella!

24. Do you want to change your name: Nah

25. What did you do for your last birthday: Nothing. My best friend tried to throw me a mini surprise party but no one wanted to come :(

26. What time did you wake up: 6:30 kill me, I felt like death.

27. What were you doing at midnight last night: Sleeping

28. Name something you cannot wait for: Summer, I go on holiday for a few weeks and then get to spend the rest of the time asleep or with my boyfriend. Or preferably, both.

29. When was the last time you saw your mother: Twenty minutes ago when I had tea (I’m hiding in my room now)

30. What is the one thing you wish you could change about your life: I suppose the only thing I’d want to do now is be rid of my anxiety... ngl apart from that, stuff is okay. Or you know, become rich.

31. What are you listening to right now: Where The Lines Overlap - Paramore

32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: There is a Tom in a few of my classes, he’s okay but v annoying and keeps wondering why he doesn’t get laid (spoiler: it’s because he is annoying)

33. Something that is getting on your nerves: How fucking tired I am and how my bf isn’t here to give me cuddles until I fall asleep ahhh :(

34. Most visited website: At the moment, Youtube, Tumblr and Crunchyroll, is all I use tbh lmao.

35. Elementary: Kinda miss that, I left like 4 years ago now wtf (I presume this is the American version of Primary school?)

36. High School: I’m about to go into the last year and I’m pumped for that. I’ve actually had a good year too.

37. College/university: I wanna go to University hopefully...

38. Hair colour: Blonde naturally and also now dyed 

39. Long or short hair: Medium but I’m gonna get it cut fairly short (on or above my shoulders) soon

40. Do you have a crush on someone: Harry Styles, Michael Clifford, Gerard Way, Cole Sprouse, Dan Howell and Phil Lester, Awsten Knight... and I guess my boyfriend is okay looking too.

41. What do you like about yourself: I just want everyone to be happy and to make people happy :(

42. Piercings: Standard ear lobe

43. Blood type: No idea, I wanna know too 

44. Nickname: Jess(?) or Sugarmuffin if you’re my bf eww

45. Relationship status: In a relationship for the first time. Ever.

46. Zodiac sign: Virgo

47. Pronouns: She/her

48. Favourite TV show: OKAY I’M REALLY STOKED FOR THE SECOND SEASON OF STRANGER THINGS SO I’M GONNA SAY THAT RN.

49. Tattoos: None

50. Right or left hand: Right

FIRST…

51. Surgery: I haven't had any (thankfully?)

52. Piercing: Standard ear lobe was done in the summer of 2013 I think

54. Sport: Swimming probably

55. Vacation: I think we went Menorca when I was very young??? Idk if it was the first but one of the very very first

56. Pair of trainers: Baby trainers I guess, fuck knows

57. Eating: ?? idk

58. Drinking: These questions are confusing is it asking me for the first thing I ever drank? mate, probably my Mother’s milk help

59. I’m about to: Fall asleep probably

60. Listening to: How Do You Feel? - The Maine

61. Waiting for: Death

62. Want: DEATH

63. Get married: Yeah I totally wanna get married

64. Career: I don’t have one and honestly fuck knows what I’m gonna do

YOUR TYPE…

65. Hugs or kisses: Hugs and kisses... OKAY HUGS

66. Lips or eyes: Eyes

67. Shorter or taller: Someone taLLER PLS. I need to be protected.

68. Older or younger: My bf is younger than me but idc. I’d probably choose older if given the option but it doesn’t really matter.

70. Nice arms or nice stomach: Stomach?

71. Sensitive or loud: My bf is both lmao. I prefer it when he is being sensitive though sometimes xx

72. Hook up or relationship: Relationship omg

73. Troublemaker or hesitant: Both depending on the situation. It’s probably better if they’re more of a troublemaker because I’m not!

HAVE YOU EVER…

74. Kissed a stranger: No!

75. Drank hard liquor: Not hard liquor

76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: Nope

77. Turned someone down: I had to politely turn down this girl who asked me out because I’m straight :(

78. Sex on first date: Fuck off

79. Broken someone’s heart: No 

80. Had your heart broken: No

81. Been arrested: No

82. Cried when someone died: My Guinea Pig?? does that count??

83. Fallen for a friend: MY BF IS MY BFF NGL YES

DO YOU BELIEVE IN…

84. Yourself: Her? Fuck no

85. Miracles: Not really... maybe a little

86. Love at first sight: Yes, though it doesn’t always need to happen that way for it to be love

87. Santa Claus: He is real? I’ve met him multiple times

88. Kiss on the first date: Maybe if you know the person well enough beforehand

89. Angels: I’m living proof baby no

OTHER…

90. Current best friend’s name: Sarah

91. Eye colour: Blue 

92. Favourite movie: SO MANY. I’m gonna say Howl’s Moving Castle for now

[fictionprincess]

70 Questions Tag

Tagged by: @sleepy-sugakookie

This is long good lord

1. do you have a good relationship with your parents?

questionable lmao

2. who did you last say “i love you” to? lol mari literally a minute ago

3. do you regret anything? only every decision I’ve ever made and one I haven’t

4. are you insecure? yah

5. what is your relationship status? dating

6 .how do you want to die? instantly

7. what did you last eat? bulgolgi! :D

8. played any sports? I used to play soccer and it suCKED so now I just dance

9. do you bite your nails? I used to so now I just clip them aggressively short 10. when was your last physical fight? in middle school because of Naruto, probably

11. do you like someone? jungkook hmu

12. have you ever stayed up 48 hours? nah 

13. do you hate anyone at the moment? sasuke

14. do you miss someone? @linkito

15. have any pets? Little Cat is technically not mine but shhhh

16. how exactly are you feeling at the moment? nerve endings

17. ever made out in the bathroom? nah

18. are you scared of spiders? nah dude they’re chill

19. would you go back in time if given the chance? Uh duh I wanna see Fall Out Boy’s comeback tour

20. last place you made out with someone? my room probably??

21. what are your plans for this weekend? maybe keep learning a dance, maybe lie on the floor

22. do you want kids? how many? nah dude i want 0

23. do you have piercings? how many? no

24. what is/are your best subjects? they are all Bad

25. do you miss anyone from your past? nah

26. what are you craving rn? soup ):

27. have you ever broken someones heart? nah

28. have you ever been cheated on? nah

29. have you ever made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry? nah

30. whats irritating rn? my throat lol im sick

31. does someone love you? yah

32. what is your favorite color? pink and black

33. do you have trust issues? sureidk

34. who/what was your last dream about? my lab partner from sophomore year??

35. who was the last person you cried in front of? eric 

36. do you give out second chances too easily? nah

37. is it easier to forgive or forget? don’t forgive or forget just let it fester 38. is this year the best year of your life? arguably no

39. how old were you when you had your first kiss? 16 I think?

40. have you ever walked outside completely naked? nah

(wow no 41-50 lol thanks)

51. favorite food? MMM ribs???

52. do you believe everything happens for a reason? nah, the universe doesn’t care about you imo

53. what was the last thing you did before you went to bed last night? sneeze

54. is cheating ever okay? no dude tf

55. are you mean? i'm like the meanest person I know

56. have you ever been in a fist fight? nah

57. do you believe in true love? lol no

58. favorite weather? rainyy

59. do you like the snow? YES but also I don’t drive so maybe my opinion will change 

60. do you wanna get married? sure but it’s not a priority

61. is it cute when a girl/boy calls you baby? not for me personally 

62. what makes you happy? free food, dabbing, friends

65. your bff of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? chill

66. do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around? yeah I don’t think I have friends of the opposite sex that I can’t

67. who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to? Ben

68. who is the last person you had a deep conversation with? Probably Sam

69. do you believe in soulmates? LOL NO get fucked

70. is there anyone you’d die for? there are lots of people I would,,,dab for

Tagging: @linkito @bokurawauta @kawalie

[artificialqueens]

"New Man"

A/N: Hi everyone – long time listener (reader), first time caller (writer). Was inspired to write something after listening to “New Man’ by Ed Sheeran (link here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EwzD8U4u76k) on repeat, and because at my core I am shameless Biadore trash. This is angsty, but ideally it leads to something fluffy. As “real world” of a universe as my twisted brain can make up, set in the present. All is from Danny’s POV, because I feel closer to his headspace. If you like, I will do a Part 2 that finishes the story and involves some attempt at fluff and/or smut (I guess?). Anyway ok thanks this may be awful.

Also, lyrics are in italics, but I’m sure you figured that out.

Two things were concerning Danny in this moment. Confusing, distracting, maybe even disturbing – to bundle it up, it was fucking with him.  

 The first – Roy was not a cheater. He was many many things – a talented tailor and designer, a cutting insult comedian, a damn good dog parent, a friend you could really count on…but he was not a cheater. So when Danny saw Roy – Roy, who had a boyfriend of 2 months – cozying up with a race chaser in the back corner of the bar, Danny was confused.

 And when this stranger dude went for it and kissed Roy, and after just a moment’s hesitation Roy jammed his tongue down the stranger’s throat with some real enthusiasm…that’s when the second thing happened.

 The second – so this second one is where it got weird. As a friend Danny was entitled to be confused, but the moment the two men’s lips touched he instantly felt like he was going to throw up. His lungs and his stomach dropped into his ass, at the same time as all his other muscles seemed to tense up. Danny’s heart was thumping and he almost fell of his seat as he sprinted (really, tripped) to the bathroom of the bar.

 Roy had a boyfriend, and it wasn’t Danny. Roy was kissing someone else, and it wasn’t Danny – but it wasn’t his boyfriend either. So why the fuck was he reacting like this?

—

After a few deep breaths – and mentally thanking the city of Seattle for teaching him all kinds of new hippie ways to clear his mind – Danny looked into the mirror. He desperately wanted to throw water on his face, but god dammit he had put good effort into a ‘boy beat’ tonight and he wasn’t going to let tap water and Roy – ugh, Roy – fuck up his cut crease. Continuing to take deep breaths – in for 4, out for 4 – he started to take stock of what was happening around him. People liked to make jokes about Danny’s intelligence, but really he was both very smart and incredibly perceptive. He ran the tape back…

 Roy was in Seattle for a long weekend, on a tour hiatus. This was the first time Danny had seen him in person since moving to up north, a move that Danny knew annoyed Roy. “Really, Queen? I moved my tired ass across the country, where I will no doubt be killed by this hell-hole drought or in a 5-hour traffic jam on Santa Monica, and as soon as I’m settled in you flit off in your Birkenstocks to be the next Kurt Cobain? You know granola makes you fat, right? You and you’re fucking Starbucks…” But a few months later and Roy couldn’t wait to make the trip…

 Roy was alone. He had been so very vocal about his new relationship, particularly with Danny and Shane, and wasted no opportunity to talk about his new man at every chance. This guy was (allegedly) fabulous, beautiful, rich…Danny honest-to-God couldn’t remember his name, but he knew he was an Equinox trainer with a lot of family money that Roy met hiking in Runyon. Which reminded him of that other thing…

 Roy was different. Bad different. Shallower, cuntier, careless. At first Danny chalked it up to his new ultra-mellow Seattle attitude, but seeing Roy do something so very un-Roy convinced him that this wasn’t just his perception. Danny had noticed little things changing since this new guy – Roy developed an obsession with jicama/turmeric/unpronounceable health foods, but drank much more; spent mad money on flashy things almost daily; indulged in social media trash and flame wars; and followed his stinging insults with less and less kindness…but Danny figured Roy was just tired or something, though it was creating real distance between them. Now, publicly cheating on his boyfriend with a stranger in a crowded bar, Danny saw clearly that something was very and truly “up” with B.

 And of course, the last thing – Roy was silent. Not actually silent – bitch never shut up – but he was silent on the subject of him and Danny. A relationship never consummated, two best friends who were clearly attracted but respected each other and the difficulties of their lives too much to but their friendship at risk. They had a system of denial, and it worked…at least it did until 2 weeks ago. The night Roy announced his plans to visit Seattle – to Danny and Jinx, in a group text – he later drunk texted Danny. Ok, drunk sexted. And it happened again, every night until this one, when he arrived in Seattle. Roy’s 3am texts were rapid fire, riddled with boozy typos and anything but poetic advances, but fuck if they didn’t make Danny’s heart race and pants tighten. Danny never responded, refusing to make this a “real” issue to deal with, and Roy seemed equally avoidant. Danny assumed it was just drunken ramblings (for a New Orleans native, Roy was a light-weight) and didn’t want to embarrass his friend (or, let’s be real, himself) by bringing it up.

 But now Roy was here, in person, and Danny was worried. The world famous Bianca Del Rio was going off the rails, and apparently only Adore Delano was going to steer him back. He always wanted to be Superman…and maybe if he could just get Roy out of here and acting normal, Danny wouldn’t have to address the emotion he could finally identify: jealousy.

—

Danny was not in the best head space to confront Roy, this he knew. In addition to the green monster still banging at his chest, he was 4 shots into a night that started off with a bowl shared between him, Jinx and – surprisingly – Roy. He knew his perception was sharp as ever, but his decision making…well Captain, those systems were compromised. 

So when he finally walked out of the bathroom and saw that race chaser –Chase, because no one is working hard to name that guy – with one hand in Roy’s hair and another on his “upper thigh,” Danny decided to do something dramatic. Instead of going back to the table with Jinx and his other friends, he made a beeline for the bar. 

“Todd! Todd! Can I sing tonight?“ 

A big bear of a man made his way past bartenders and bar backs to speak to Danny, who was now flittering his eyelashes in faux seduction.

“Delano, this isn’t drag night. We don’t have the –“

“No, no – I don’t mean do the Adore act. I mean, I’m feeling moved by the spirits to sing a song and I want to sing here for the first time as Danny and I know you have a guitar and an amp and my friends are here from LA and I really need to get this of my chest and performing as Danny and not Adore is really important to me and if you were really mine and Johnny’s friend…” He was officially rambling at this point, leaning into the personality everyone imposed on him to get what he wanted. He smiled doe-eyed as he talked Todd into submission. 

“Oh for fuck’s sake, if you sing will you stop talking to me?  

“Absolutely.” Cue the Disney smile.

Todd sighed and waved over 2 of his staff, asking them to set up the guitar, mic and lighting Danny would need to perform.

“Thank you Todd. One of these days you’re going to have to let me…”

“Delano, appreciate the sentiment but this ride is for biological women only. Just get up there and don’t fuck it up.”

“Ok, RuPaul.” Danny grabbed a shot of couple Fireball shots off the bar, ripping them as he thought about the song. This fucking song…

Danny was about to sing a real Top 40, iHeartRadio and Casey Kasem wet dream of a song – “New Man,” by Ed Sheeran. This was all Spotify Discovery’s fault; the track had somehow ended up in his curated weekly recommendations, and before he could realize that he was listening to Taylor Swift’s man BFF he was in love with the words and the melody. And fuck if it didn’t apply to his life in this moment – maybe the universe was sending him a sign here. A catchy song, from the perspective of a man who sees his on-and-off lover cheating on their new man and tries to help sort out their life – Geez, sound familiar? That, plus a song with a simple enough guitar melody that Danny could already play from memory…the stars aligned, and as a Libra Danny was never one to ignore the signs from the stars.

—

Todd quieted the crowd down, announcing that there would be a performance from none other than new hometown boy Danny Noriega. The bar patrons cheered – Danny had made short work of turning this place into his Cheers, and everyone sure knew his name – with the exception of 3: Jinx, who clapped cautiously while mouthing “What are you doing bitch?” at Danny, and the Roy-Chase pretzel. Roy stopped moving (kissing), broke away and stared at Danny for a full 30 seconds before hopping onto his feet to wolf-whistle and cheer with the rest. “Chase” started asking for Adore and pulling out his cellphone to record.

Danny hopped up on the stage, strapped on the guitar, and dropped his head to speak into the mic. God, it felt good to perform as Danny sometimes.

“Hey you weirdos, settle down. Todd, thanks for indulging my last minute request to perform a little diddy for these drunk and stoned hippies.” The good-natured crowd laughed, until Roy – in full Bianca mode – interrupted:

“Christ Delano, leave the insult comedy to the pros,” Roy yelled up at the stage.

Danny knew that Roy wanted to get a rise out of him, this was their usual tour banter. Bianca picks at Adore’s imperfections and they trade insults for a while, but Adore is just so damn charismatic that Bianca ends up (eventually) being sweet. But that wasn’t the point of tonight – this wasn’t Snatch Game for a crowd of RPDR fans, this was drama to shock Roy into behaving himself. Danny wasn’t sure why he thought that was such a good idea – the mix of vodka and Fireball probably had something to do with it – but he wasn’t going to get sidetracked.

“I made Todd haul out the equipment so I could play, but mainly I just want to get this one song out. It’s a cover – nothing new or my own – but it’s been stuck with me over the last few weeks and I feel like some people here tonight really need to hear it. So here we go – “New Man,” by some redhead that isn’t Adele or Ginger Minj.” With that, Danny began to sing and play:

I heard he spent five hundred pounds on jeans Goes to the gym at least six times a week Wears boat shoes with no socks on his feet And I heard he’s on a new diet and watches what he eats

Too early in the song for anyone to know what is about – anyone except Jinx, who Danny could see glaring at him near the front row. He probably should’ve run this plan by his sensible if-always-sleepy friend, but again…this was not a night or an act to be rationalized.

But still, I’m just keeping it real, still looking at your Instagram and I’ll be creeping a little I’ll be trying not to double tap, from way back, cause I know that’s where the trouble’s at Let me remind you of the days when you used to hold my hand And when we sipped champagne out of cider cans I guess if you were Lois Lane, I wasn’t superman, just a young boy trying to be loved

Danny started to freak out a little bit. Fuck – the chorus was coming, and it was going to get really obvious to anyone paying attention at all that this song was directed at Roy. But he wasn’t ever one to do things subtly so…

I don’t wanna know about your new man, cause if it was meant to be You wouldn’t be calling me up trying to fuck Cause I’m positive that he don’t wanna know about me

I don’t wanna know about your new man, we’ll get there eventually I know you’re missing all this kind of love But I’m positive that he don’t wanna know about me

Well, it was out there and nothing was happening. The crowd seemed to dig the song, but he hadn’t seen Roy’s adorably dimpled face go wide or slack jawed or change in any way that showed he understood what was happening here. No choice but to continue. 

You were the type of girl that sat beside the water reading Eating a packet of crisps but you will never find you cheating Now you’re eating kale, hitting the gym, keeping up with Kylie & Kim In the back of the club kissing a boy that ain’t him

How did that 90’s song go – whatever, whoop there it was. Drunk Roy’s eyebrows raised, and his head snapped to look at “Chase” bopping along next to him and recording the song for Snapchat. A look that read simply as Oh fuck washed over his face, and Danny knew it was time to bring it home.  

Ok you need to be alone, and if you wanna talk about it you can call my phone I just thought that I would tell you cause you oughta know You’re still an old man trying to be loved

That changed lyric and his piercing stare at Roy really drove the point home, if Jinx’s undeniably audible “Holy shit” was any indication. Roy continued to watch, looking some mix of embarrassed, guilty, and nervous as he avoided direct eye contact with anyone – especially Danny. Danny was ready to close the song with a bang.

Baby, I’m not trying to ruin your week But you act so differently When you’re with him I know you’re lonely Please, remember you’re still free, to make the choice and leave And don’t call me up you need to show me

With one more round of the chorus, the song was done. The crowd cheered, again with the notable exceptions of Jinx, Johnny and Roy. Jinx and Johnny clapped politely, their eyes darting back and forth between Roy seated and Danny on stage looking for some explanation. Roy stayed in his seat, his expression unreadable except for the clear annoyance that “Chase” was up and clapping. Danny felt this could be a good sign of mission accomplished. 

Never one to renege on his show promises, Danny went ahead and did a 30-minute set for the bar. He mixed covers and originals, racked up some good tips, and got to feel alive in the way that only performing makes him feel. Combining that with the high of potentially shocking Roy back into his old self, and Danny had a great day. It was made better when he realized Roy had abandoned the race chaser and gone to sit back with his and Danny’s crew; though his friend was being uncharacteristically quiet around the crew, at least he wasn’t actively cheating anymore.

As he played through the set, Danny could feel the confusion subsiding. Roy wasn’t a cheater, he was drunk and made a mistake. All he did was kiss that kid, not a big deal in the grand scheme of things. Everything was ok again.

Except it wasn’t. Danny still felt that nasty green monster living in his chest, beating on his ribs and his heart every time he thought of Roy while he sang. This was a feeling Danny made it a point to repress and avoid, but for some reason when he thought of Roy kissing another man he felt possessive and mean and scared and still somehow love… must be the vodka and Fireball. Danny reminded himself not to mix booze again, especially on a night he sings.

— 

After a raucous round of applause and a demand for an encore – which Danny obliged – he jumped of stage and headed out for a smoke. Danny reached into his pocket and grabbed his lighter and cigarettes, but the moment his hand entered his pockets he was pressed up against the brick wall of the building…by none other than his best friend Roy. 

“What the fuck was that, Danny?” Roy was clearly angry, but there was something else in his voice that made it sound husky and almost luxurious. After a painful moments of silence, Danny finally decided to respond.

“Music is a powerful way to– “ Danny’s speech was abruptly cut off as Roy’s lips crashed onto his own. All Danny could do was smile.

— 

[End of Part 1]

[sweetandlethal]

70 Questions!

Tagged by @spicyramyeonmonbebe thank u!! ily for always tagging me<3

And I tag: @saltyrap @becauseofjungkook @agusst-b @jimihsgirl @vminisgay and @hansolsparadise (anyone else who’d like to do it, ofc!)

Now, let’s start...

1. do you have a good relationship with your parents?

Kind of?? They’re kinda mean to me but not all the time

2. who did you last say “i love you” to?

Jesus because he helped me and carried my milkshake to the classroom today

3. do you regret anything?

Everytime I hurt myself I regret

4. are you insecure?

Most of the time, yes. 

5. what is your relationship status?

Single

6 .how do you want to die?

Hit by a car

7. what did you last eat?

Oreo milkshake and a single quesadilla

8. played any sports?

I don’t like to play sports, at school they forced me to learn volleyball, basketball and soccer tho

9. do you bite your nails?

I try not to! I love my nails too much now

10. when was your last physical fight?

When I was like 7 because my friend and I were mad at each other.

11. do you like someone?

Yes, but I’m an emotionally constipated idiot

12. have you ever stayed up 48 hours?

Nope

13. do you hate anyone at the moment?

Not really

14. do you miss someone?

No???

15. have any pets?

Ihave the cutest ball of fluff (a dog) (the best dog)

16. how exactly are you feeling at the moment?


I’M IN PAIN. Both emotional and physical.

17. ever made out in the bathroom?

Nah

18. are you scared of spiders?

Shitless

19. would you go back in time if given the chance?

Fuck no

20. last place you made out with someone?

My own fucking bed

21. what are your plans for this weekend?

Lay down and try not to die

22. do you want kids? how many?

Not even a tiny one

23. do you have piercings? how many?

None!

24. what is/are your best subjects?

Math and anything I can memorize

25. do you miss anyone from your past?

Not a lot, I was close with a lot of toxic people and I’m glad I don’t talk to them anymore

26. what are you craving rn?

Apples with yogurt

27. have you ever broken someones heart?

I’m a heartbreaker- (I’m pretty sure I’m akoiromantic at this point)

28. have you ever been cheated on?

Yes!!!

29. have you ever made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry?

Yeah... But he was emotionally manipulating me so meh

30. whats irritating rn?

Exams! Proyects! Period! Graduation!

31. does someone love you?

I like to think yes

32. what is your favorite color?

Baby pink and black

33. do you have trust issues?

Yes :(

34. who/what was your last dream about?

Oh god I had such guresome nightmares last night 

35. who was the last person you cried in front of?

Probably Emilio or David

36. do you give out second chances too easily?

I used to, not anymore.

37. is it easier to forgive or forget?

As an abused and traumatized person: Both are hard as fuck

38. is this year the best year of your life?

Dunno, haven’t lived much

39. how old were you when you had your first kiss?

Probably 14

40. have you ever walked outside completely naked?

Nope!

Wait a minute, where are 41-50??????? (It wasn’t me istg)

51. favorite food?

Pasta!

52. do you believe everything happens for a reason?

Not anymore

53. what was the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?

Drank water

54. is cheating ever okay?

Cheating is never okay

55. are you mean?

I really try not to be mean 

56. have you ever been in a fist fight?

Nope!

57. do you believe in true love?

Hmmm... I believe in comfortableness more than true love.

58. favorite weather?

Windy, not that hot but still sunny

59. do you like the snow?

Never seen snow irl :(

60. do you wanna get married?

Not at all

61. is it cute when a girl/boy calls you baby?

Listen to me: There’s nothing I like better than being called baby in a romantic/platonic way (any of you, if you want to call me baby/doll/pup instead of my name, you’re very welcome to do so)

62. what makes you happy?

BTS, drawing, my doggy

65. your bff of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

DATE THE FUCK OUT OF HIM

66. do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around?

Oh yes! Emilio is the one<3

67. who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to?

Jesus

68. who is the last person you had a deep conversation with?

David

69. do you believe in soulmates?

Yes. Yes, I’m pretty sure I know who my soulmate is.

70. is there anyone you’d die for?

Nope.

AND THAT’S IT, thank u if you read all of this! Now you know my nasty self a bit more lmao

[scottstiles]

Rules: once you have been tagged you are supposed to write 92 truths about yourself. At the end, choose however many people you want to tag!

I was tagged by @elenaxrodriguez thanks babe!!

LAST…

[1] drink: coke. always coke. [2] phone call: my bff [3] text message: same [4] song you listened to: city and colour, thirst [5] time you cried: earlier today watching long island medium (the purest and most cleansing cry you could ever experience)

HAVE YOU EVER…

[6] dated someone twice: what does that mean? gone on 2 dates with the same person? dated, broke  up, then dated again? yes to the first, no to the second. [7] been cheated on: nope [8] kissed someone and regretted it: definitely [9] lost someone special: yes [10] been depressed: all the time [11] gotten drunk and thrown up: only the morning after thank god

LIST 3 FAVOURITE COLOURS: [12] blue [13] red [14] silver

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU… [15] made new friends: if this website counts then yep! and i love you all so much!! [16] fallen out of love: not this year, nope. still waiting. [17] laughed until you cried: doubtful, but possible. [18] found out someone was talking about you: yup. people suck. [19] met someone who changed you: nope. nothing changes. ever. [20] found out who your true friends are: that happened a long time ago [21] kissed someone on your facebook list: AHAHAHAHAHAHA no.

GENERAL… [22] how many of your tumblr friends do you know in real life: i follow a couple ppl i know irl but they’re not active at all and we don’t talk about it, it’s not a shared interest. [23] do you have any pets: yup! my python houdini :) [24] do you want to change your name: no way dude, i’ve been through a lot with this sucker [25] what did you do for your last birthday: tried to pretend it wasn’t happening [26] what time did you wake up: today? a bit earlier than usual. around 2:15pm. [27] what were you doing at midnight last night: probably giffing and watching a haunting [28] name something you cannot wait for: getting some fuckin $$$$ so i can finish my movie! [29] when was the last time you saw your mother: last saturday [30] what is one thing you wish you could change about your life: i wish i could stop being single [31] what are you listening to right now: drunk history XD god this show is amazing [32] have you ever talked to a person named tom: yup! went to school with one. [33] something that is getting on your nerves:  fuckin everything gets on my nerves. i just thought about that for like 3 minutes and decided the list is too long. everything. [35] elementary: what about it? [36] high school: are you looking for a name? [37] college: i spent way too many years in college, but that was a long time ago. i followed my sister out of town and did theater school for a year before deciding i hated the town and people and needed to come home. so i did my undergrad and grad school here at mcgill, then couldn’t find a job so did another degree in toronto, which was also useless. there was a time i was seriously considering staying in school forever and doing a phd, but there’s this thing called money.....and universities have already taken most of mine :/ [38] hair colour: reddish brown [39] long or short hair: i’ve always wished for long hair, but it never goes much past my shoulders [40] do you have a crush on someone: not a REAL one.....but there’s this guy called tyler posey.... [41] what do you like about yourself?: i care a LOT about things. i also hate it though. [42] piercings: my ears and tongue [43] blood type: no clue [44] nickname: div/divs [45] relationship status: single [46] zodiac sign: gemini [47] pronouns: she/her [48] fav tv show: teen wolf, obvs [49] tattoos: nope [50] right or left handed: right

FIRST… [51] surgery: does dental count? it should. that shit’s scary as fuck. had it a few years ago. [52] piercing: oh i have no idea when i got my ears done....maybe 10? [53] best friend: this girl jillian. we were best friends thru all of elementary. she took my deserts. [55] vacation: my family did a cross country US trip when I was 3. i have some strong memories, it’s weird. [56] pair of trainers: what? shoes? no idea?

RIGHT NOW… [57] eating: not eating, smoking. what else is new XD [58] drinking: i already told you that.... [59] I’m about to: another chapter on this edit i’m doing [60] listening to: STILL DRUNK HISTORY geez [61] waiting for: the weather to go back above zero [62] want: a steak [63] get married: right now? is this a proposal? [64] career: what’s that.

WHICH IS BETTER… [65] hugs or kisses: hugs [66] lips or eyes: eyes [67] shorter or taller: taller [68] older or younger: younger [69] romantic or spontaneous: romantic [70] nice arms or nice stomach: arms [71] sensitive or loud: sensitive [72] hook up or relationship: relationship [73] troublemaker or hesitant: troublemaker

HAVE YOU EVER… [74] kissed a stranger? yep [75] drank hard liquor? certainly [76] lost glasses/contact lenses? all the god damn time [77] turned someone down: of course, and i hate it more than almost anything [78] sex on first date? does it have to have been a date? wtf is a date. i’ve had one night stands, yes. [79] broken someone’s heart? yes and good riddance, he deserved it. [80] had your own heart broken? many times, fucker is on it’s last threads [81] been arrested? eheheheee oh the STORIES my friends [82] cried when someone died? yes [83] fallen for a friend: FUCK OFF

DO YOU BELIEVE IN… [84] yourself? sometimes [85] miracles? yup [86] love at first sight? yup [87] santa claus? the guy who comes down the chimney or the saint he’s named after? [88] kiss on the first date? definitely [89] angels? hmmmmm. well there’s this angel called tyler posey....so i guess they do exist

OTHER… [90] current best friend’s name: nathaniel [91] eye colour: blue [92] favourite movie: like, ever? it’s such a long list. but the eternal faves are titanic, romeo + juliet, sleepers, dogma, and the basketball diaries. yes. the 90s were important to me.

since this was fun i’m actually gonna tag some people! don’t feel like you have to @wellsjahasghost, @westhallen, @xproskeith, @tylerstitties, @archieandsrew, @paullwalkers, @maliia-tate, @stilinskikissme along with anyone who was sweet enough to read this whole thing. you’re the real MVPs <3

[ourloveisforthelovely]

Fallout 5

A/N: You know the drill….smut

Words: 2,2916

_____________________________________

The first few weeks in Germany was beyond busy for everyone. Richard and Kate were lucky to pencil in a kiss let alone have any alone time. The closest they got to having alone time was at night but being so tired from jet lag they would exchange looks before falling asleep.

For Kate it was running go multiple panels and trying to get Rob on the phone. She had spoken to cuntzilla Crystal who would only say that Rob was fine.  What made it more annoying was the fact Rob wouldn’t even answer his phone.

One morning, Kate woke up to Richard kissing her neck. She giggled feeling his fingers rub down her thighs.

“That feels nice.”

She sighed yawning as Richard began to rock his hips into her behind.

“We haven’t had sex in days sugar.”

Kate turned locking her lips to his.

“You’re spoiled.”

Richard groaned as her lips moved over his collarbone.

“Yeah. That may be true. Have you talked to your brother?”

Kate sighed sitting up while Richard mentally kicked himself for ruining the mood.

“No, have you?”

Kate asked obviously frustrated. Richard shook his head.

“Fucker won’t answer for me. Think he’s pissed we are dating again?”  

“I don’t see why he would be. When we were apart he was whining at me to talk to you. I think he ships us harder than anyone.”

Richard rolled his eyes.

“The fact your brother ships us is awkward to me.”

Kate smiled as she stood up fighting the wave of dizziness that went through her.

“Are you ok sugar?”

Richard asked watching her as he yanked his shirt over his head. Kate nodded.

“Think I got up too fast. I called Rob before you woke up and Cuntzilla answered the phone. You know how much I love her.”

Richard rolled his eyes as he pulled Kate into his arms.

“I’ll get ahold of him today. Don’t stress over it.”

Kate gave her boyfriend a dark look.

“Rich that is like stabbing me with a knife and telling me not to bleed.”

Richard knew she was right. Telling to Kate to not worry about her brother was pointless. He reached out cupping her cheeks before pulling her into a kiss.

“I have something special planned for tonight.”

He whispered between kisses. Kate smiled.

“What is it?”

She asked softly. Rich groaned.

“Baby that ruins the whole idea of a surprise.”

Kate sighed against his lips.

“We haven’t had a full day together in weeks.”

Richard looked at her with guilty eyes.

“I know sugar. It will be worth it I promise.”

Richard said looking down at his watch. As usual it was time to go. He sighed looking back to Kate pulling her into a long kiss.

“I’ll see you soon.”

Kate nodded as he turned walking from the room without another word. She fought off another wave of dizziness as he walked to the bathroom to get dressed. She didn’t have time to be getting sick! Whatever was trying to mess with her would have to go harass someone else! Being sick and doing conventions did not mix well and it wasn’t about to happen!

The next few hours passed without much excitement. Kate and Misha did a few interviews and other in person events. Misha was eagerly smiling when he looked over to Kate seeing her fan herself.

“You straight?”

Kate nodded.

“Just sick to my stomach and dizzy the past few days. I think I am trying to catch something.”

“Want to go get some orange juice or smoothie?”

Kate shook her head looking disgusted.

“Ugh no! That sounds disgusting!”

Misha raised an eyebrow looking around to make sure there was no one watching them.

“Kate, we have been BFF’s for a while now and I know you but are you sure you are not pregnant?”

Kate laughed.

“Misha are you serious? You know I can’t get knocked up.”

Misha sighed.

“Well I also know that I have two kids and you are acting the same way Vicki did when she was pregnant both times. For shits and giggles let’s go see the hotel doctor and make sure you and Richard aren’t going to be having any fun additions.”

Kate rolled her eyes clearly not liking Misha’s idea.

“Fine, if it puts your mind at ease. After that we will go buy us a little pony to name cuddles.”

Misha smiled.

“I still want that pony.”

30 minutes later, Kate sat on the hotel doctor’s exam table after he did a routine blood test. Misha sat in the corner looking at a brochure on STD’s. He looked over at Kate, who was watching him with a smirk.

“I wonder if the good ole doc here sees a lot of this? He must with all these brochures. Yuck! I never want to get that.”

Kate chuckled. Misha always new how to make her smile.

“I would hope you wouldn’t.”

Both looked up as the doctor walked in with a smile on his face.

“Well Ms. Benedict you are definitely pregnant. I would say around 6 weeks. I would be considering making an appointment with your normal OBGYN when you get back to America.”

Both Kate and Misha’s mouths dropped before Kate started laughing.

“You’re funny! But I can’t get pregnant. I have been told that for years.”

The doctor looked down at the blood work and the pregnancy test he had Kate take before holding them out sheepishly. Kate’s heart pounded as she read the word pregnant on both the test and the piece of paper work. She swallowed unsure what to think or say as the doctor looked at Misha.

“Are you the father?”

Misha blinked a few times counting backwards on his hands to the last time he and Kate had slept together.

“Unless she is five months along then no I am not. However, I know where I can find the father. Be right back!”

Misha stood prancing out of the room. He wondered through the hotel lobby realizing that Richard was about to do a panel. Making a b-line for the back stage area, Misha was relived when he saw Richard talking to Mark Pellegrino.

“RICHARD!”

Misha yell/whispered. Richard looked up seeing Misha pointing to the door wildly. He said something that sounded like “hold on” to Mark before walking over.

“Yeah?”

Misha took a breath, feeling exhausted from running.

“I need you to come with me.”

Richard pointed to the stage.

“Uh kinda busy.”

Misha shook his head.

“Kate needs you. She’s at the hospital dr. You need to come quick.”

Richard’s face immediately went worried as he motioned to Mark who nodded.

“What’s wrong?”

Richard asked as he and Misha quickly walked down the hall back to the hotel clinic.

“Uh I can’t say. She will have to tell you.”

Richard rolled his eyes.

“This better be something. If this is one of your little tricks I will throw something at you.”

Kate looked up the moment Misha walked in with Richard behind him.

“Kate what’s wrong? Are you okay? Misha is being a shit and wouldn’t tell me what’s happening?”

Kate glanced at Misha, who did his wide smile, before looking back to Richard and sliding off of the table. She smiled walking to him and placing the pregnancy test in his hand.

“Congratulations daddy.”

Richard looked at the test before looking back to Kate then back at the test. Right away he facial expression made Kate nervous. He ran a hand through his hair before finally speaking.

“Are you sure?”

Kate felt the happiness beginning to drain.

“Well…yeah. How hard is it to pee on a stick?”

Richard put the test down before muttering god damn it under his breath.

“I thought you couldn’t get pregnant?! How could you let this happen?! Kate I am too old to be having more kids!”

Kate’s mouth had dropped by this point and Misha looked completely floored too.

“Well I’m sorry to rain on your parade there asshole but yeah I’m pregnant and by you! Furthermore you helped! I can’t believe this!”

She turned to walk from the room as Richard reached out to grab her arm.

“Back the fuck off!”

She growled before storming past Misha leaving the two men alone in the room. Misha looked to Richard with wide eyes.

“Well you sure handled that well.”

Richard gave his friend a glare before walking out in the opposite direction.

An hour later, Richard had calmed down enough to go talk to Kate. He stood outside of their hotel room for a moment before walking inside where Kate stood angrily packing her suitcases. Richard watched her a moment before finally speaking.

“What are you doing?”

Kate didn’t even look in his direction.

“What the hell does it look like? I’m done! I’m gone. I’m going back to Missouri where I should have fucking stayed. I should have never taken you back. This just proves it.”

Richard quickly shut the door crossing his arms over his chest.

“So you’re pregnant and you’re just going to get on a plane and go home alone?”

Kate nodded still not meeting her boyfriend’s gaze.

“Mary rode a fucking donkey to Bethlehem I think I can handle an air plane. I’m not that delicate.”

Richard sighed making a mental note to calm his ass down too. Both of them getting in a screaming match wouldn’t really help at the moment.

“Sugar first off that was in the bible and this isn’t the second coming. I never said you were delicate and couldn’t handle it. Can we talk about what happened?”

Kate shook her head finally looking up. Her face was tear streaked and made Richard freeze where he stood. In all the time they had been together he had never once seen Kate cry. Now here she stood with tears running down her face that was caused by him.

“There is nothing to talk about Richard.”

She said coldly. Richard nodded.

“Uh yeah there is a lot to talk about. For one you are having my baby and are talking about leaving me. I have a problem with that.”

Kate wiped the tears off of her face.

“Now you have a problem. After you treat me like shit.”

Richard quickly walked to her wrapping his arms around her and was very thankful when she didn’t fight back. He pressed a kiss to her forehead snuggling his face against the top of her head.

“I’m sorry Katherine. That was a douche move. I was just shocked….floored is more like it.  You didn’t deserve that.”

Kate sniffed snuggling her face against his chest.

“No I didn’t. I was actually happy there for a minute Richard. All my life…well since I was like 12 I’ve been told that I would never be able to have a baby. When that doctor told me I was pregnant and it being with you I had never been happier. Now I don’t know what I’m feeling.”

Richard sighed titling her face to his.

“I want you to be happy. I’m still in shock but I will be happy. You just have to give me some time to get over being thrown for a shock like that. I promise you Kate I am not unhappy about it. I don’t want you to leave. This kind of ruined what I had planned.

He slowly pulled away from Kate going to his bag that was on the dresser before coming back to Kate. Richard looked at her a moment before holding out a diamond ring.

“I was going to propose to you….and no I am not doing this because you are pregnant. I’m doing it because I love you and I don’t want to be without you again. I had this whole grand romantic thing planned out. If you don’t believe me, you can ask Misha. He has known about the whole thing.”

Kate blinked looking totally caught off guard as Richard slid the ring on her hand.

“Is that why Misha has been trying to measure my fingers and asking what kind of diamonds I like?”

Richard nodded.

“I thought he would have been a tad more discreet. Guess that’s what I get for asking Misha to do it.”

Kate smiled, looking down at her new engagement ring.

“He actually said it was for Vicky. Apparently we have the same size of fingers and he needed to find her a new ring.”

Richard rolled his eyes.

“Ok, so maybe he didn’t do that badly. So sugar…will you marry me and not kill me tonight in my sleep?”

Kate nodded.

“Yes.”

Richard smiled pulling her into a kiss. He wished his plan had worked out a little bit better than what this was but it was still pretty damn perfect.

“How far did the doctor think you are?”

Richard asked as he gently laid Kate back onto the bed before beginning to undress her. Kate lifted her hips as he tugged off her jeans.

“6 weeks at the most. So you had to knock me up right after we got back together.”

Richard looked a little surprised.

“Well we have been fucking like bunnies for the past few weeks. Kate I want you to believe me when I say that I am happy okay?”

Kate nodded feeling a little bit better when she looked into his eyes. Typically if Richard was bending the truth about something he wouldn’t be able to look her in the eyes but tonight he was looking dead at her.

“I believe you.”

She whispered as he stood and undressed himself.

“Come here sugar.”

He whispered pulling Kate into his arms and into a long passion driven kiss. This was the kind of kiss Kate had craved when she told him that she was having his child. Now Richard was finally giving her what she wanted. Kate gasped the moment his fingers began to rub her clit.

“I guess I am going to have to calm my ass down and won’t be able to fuck you until you can’t walk again for a while.”

Richard said with a smirk. Kate groaned as two fingers became three.

“It’s going to be a long nine months. I rather like that kind of fucking.”

Richard chuckled. Her sex drive was just as wild as his and now they would both have to turn it down now.

“We’ll make it sugar. There is a lot of other fun things I can do to you besides fucking you silly. You really liked it when I fucked you on the dryer that one night…we can always do that a little more gently or I can eat you out on the couch again. You seem to enjoy what I can do with my hands.”

He whispered before moving his index and middle finger scissoring her. Kate cried out against his mouth.

“Richard stop being a tease and fuck me.”

“If that is what you want precious.”

Richard said with a smirk before moving to get inside of her. He took extra care to not put too much weight on her as he pushed in. Kate cried out clinging to the sheets. After not making love for a few days her body was aching for her fiance. She smiled at the thought of the word. She was going to marry the man she loved and no one would have a word to say about it.

As Richard made love to her slowly, Kate’s mind unfortunately went to her brother. Would Rob even care? She had tried to call him again after her and Richard’s spat but as usual he didn’t answer.

“Are you okay?”

Richard asked pulling Kate from her thoughts. He quickly placed his thumb on her clit applying enough pressure to keep thoughts of anything but his cock inside her out.

“Yeah, I just didn’t want to come too fast.”

Richard shivered feeling his orgasm building.

“We can always go again sugar. I can’t…”

Kate tightened her body as he came undone. Richard shivered as he came hard filling Kate. He dropped to her side before returning his thumb to her clit and pressing his lips back to hers. Kate cried out as he returned his fingers inside of fingering her as hard as possible.

“That’s it baby…come for me. I want to feel you get tight on my fingers.”

Richard whispered as his free hand went to her breasts tugging on her nipples. The moment Kate’s walls began to clench around his fingers, Richard knew he had her exactly where he wanted her.

“Now sugar.”

He growled. Kate didn’t know if it was his southern accent slipping in or the way he knew seemed to exactly what to do but Kate came hard on his hand. Richard quickly gathered her in his arms nuzzling his face against hers.

“That was beautiful baby. I love you.”

Kate smiled returning his lazy kisses.

“I love you.”

@greenappleeyes

[admhawthorne]

I’m going to post something here that may possibly get me in some level of trouble...

...if my former roommate reads this, but, at this point, I suspect it’s a moot point.

In 2014, I agreed to be my cousin’s roommate so she would be able to afford payments for a new car. She really needed a new vehicle to get from point A to point B, and I figured it’d be fine to be her roommate. Our schedules are extremely different, and the likelihood of us actually seeing each other was really fairly small. It’d be two ships passing in the night, which exactly what I said at the time I agreed to be her roommate.

[VERY long post about why I’ve been less than cordial for two years.]

In fact, I was very clear that we probably wouldn’t see each other much, we wouldn’t eat together, and it would be rare that we would spend down time together, such as playing board games, because of how different our habits are. I made no secret of how I would behave here. This was a roommate arrangement, not a family reunion that went on all year.

We set ground rules. She would let me know if she left for the weekend so I could lock to top lock. She would pay me so I could pay the bills because I had to move in a month before her, so the bills would be in my name, and she wouldn’t bring strangers into the house (aka one night stands.) She would get the master bedroom with the attached bathroom. I would get the covered parking. Her friends could stay the night, and her best friend could wash his clothes at our place. My wife could come when her scheduled allowed. We would clean up after ourselves, take out the trash and put the dishes when needed, and I would hire a housekeeper to come clean once a month or so. My cousin was under no obligation to pay for that service, but it would be nice if she chipped in since the housekeeper would be cleaning the common areas.

It was, from there, a series of bad omens.

We looked around at few different apartments as time came close for me to move. My lease was up a whole month before hers, and, to add to it, I had to give a 60 day notice to my current complex while she only needed to give 30 (as I recall).

Our schedules never worked out to find a place. I kept pushing as it got closer and closer to time for me to put in my intent to my current complex. Finally, it was the weekend in which I had to find a place, and I called her only to find she was in a different state on vacation with a friend of hers. I asked her if she really wanted to roommate with me. If she didn’t, that was fine, but I needed an answer that weekend because, as I’d stated earlier, I needed to have a place lined up by that weekend. She hemmed and hawed and finally said she still wanted to do it and she guessed she’d trust me to pick from the places we’d already looked at.

Why was it so hard to find a place? Well, it couldn’t be further than 20 minutes from her work, it had to fall under X amount of money each month so she could afford it, it had to have two bathrooms, and it had to have a bedroom big enough to hold her king sized platform bed plus her stuff. Her stuff, mind you, is enough to fill up a moving truck twice over and then some.

So, I put down for an apartment that worked under her guidelines. It worked for me, too, because it was also close to my job at that time. A week later, I was offered a FAR better job. That job was an hour to an hour and a half away from this new apartment, depending on traffic. I took the job, of course, which meant I had to eat that commute.

From that point on, it’s just been a series of mini-cluster fucks.

First, there was the issue that not all of her stuff would fit in the new apartment, which she knew, but she thought more could fit in there than could actually fit, so she had to get a bigger storage unit. That eventually became a weird strike against me even though I got rid of all my sitting furniture and had only one box and a table top in the storage closet outside. I donated or otherwise disposed of almost all of my “stored” things to specifically give her as much storage room as possible in this new apartment, which she knew. I never made that a secret.

Then there was the issue that, because I was in the second bedroom with no extra space, my TV and gaming consoles were in the living room, which meant that, when I came home, I would settle in the living room for an hour or two before going to bed. In our agreements before moving in together, she had said this would be fine. She had a TV in her room, so it was no big deal for me to be in the living room when I came home after work or during the weekends. However, after a few months, this arrangement made her uncomfortable; she eventually told me that the apartment didn’t feel like it was hers at all because she didn’t feel comfortable being out in the public spaces. That was apparently my fault somehow, though I never could get her to explain how it was my fault or what I could do to fix it.

Whenever she had someone over and they were in the living room, she would have them scatter as soon as I walked in the door, and I would stop them and point out that I could go somewhere else or do something else instead of being on the TV, but my cousin always blew that off and acted like I was running them out on a rail. I never could get her to explain why she acted that way. Yes, I asked.

She had someone over almost all the time. If it wasn’t her former boyfriend/now BFF, then it was her current boyfriend, or one of her friend girls. There was almost always someone there if she wasn’t out and spending the night with them. If she was out and spending the weekend with them, she almost never would tell me, which broke a part of our agreements prior to moving in together. When asked about it, she’d just shrug say, “Oh, I’m sorry. I forgot to tell you, but I meant to.”

She never cleaned up after her BFF, who would cook and leave a trail of crumbs and god only knows what on and in the oven. She never really cleaned up after herself, either. She’d cook sweets like cakes for her work people, and I’d come into the kitchen to find my hand sticking to the counter tops or confectionery sugar in all the nooks and crevices of the counter tops. Shit would get spilled out in the fridge that I know wouldn’t be mine because I rarely had food in the fridge, and she’d never clean it out. It’d just sit there until I couldn’t take it anymore. I think, in the two years we were living together, she cleaned the fridge out, maybe, twice, and she NEVER offered to help pay for the housekeeper.

I cleaned it out once while she watched, and I literally pulled a tin of cookies from the crisper drawer that were over 5 years old. She had moved them from her old place to the new, and they were that old.

She eventually got a new boyfriend, after going through a dating phase in which she, once again, found ‘the one’ only to have him ghost her. They’d only been talking/dating for three months when that happened, but the world came to an end there for a while.

The new boyfriend is a nice guy. He’s a former Christian cult member, but he’s better now. He is married and divorced with a teenage daughter who has a host of issues (as do we all), but the daughter doesn’t live with him even though he has custody. (It’s a long story, but I actually don’t judge him for this. I understand he’s trying to do what’s right for his daughter.) The man can’t keep a job. He had five in the half a year I’ve known him, and I know that because, two months after they started dating, he was kicked out of his place, thus making him homeless.

In the heat of a Texas July, my cousin decided she would help him find places he could sleep during the day IN HIS CAR so he could make it to his overnight job he had at the time. Let me repeat that in bullet points:

-          Middle of a Texas Summer

-          Homeless boyfriend

-          Help him find places to sleep in his black car

That’s care, isn’t it? I found out about it because I asked her what was wrong with him, and I just couldn’t let it go that she would rather help him sleep in his car and risk arrest for trespassing and/or heatstroke than talk to me (or anyone else for that matter) about finding a solution that would actually help him. It was wrong on so many levels that I had a break in good judgement and told her that, if he paid 200.00 for the month for rent (he wasn’t getting 40 hours for work, so I understood that 200.00 would be a lot but doable and allow him time to save up for move-in costs), he could stay with us until he found a place, but I expected him to find a place in two months’ time.

He never found a place.

He paid the 200.00 for two months, and then offered to pay 250.00 because he realized “it wasn’t right for [him] to be there and only pay 200.00.” To his credit, he did look for a place, but he could never find one he could afford on his own, especially with the upfront costs to move in, so there’s that. Luckily, he/they still had money for multiple concerts at AT&T (Cowboy) Stadium and a few road trips. Isn’t that lucky?

By then, it was September. I decided to let it go. Our lease was up in December, and then I’d be done. It was clear he wasn’t going anywhere. It was also clear that they weren’t doing the dishes. We had a dishwasher. It’s not hard to fill it, run it, and put your dishes up.

There were two of them and one of me, and I had been as vocal as I could be about them cleaning up their messes without lighting smoke signals, so I started hand washing the one or two dishes I made during the course of the day, which didn’t sit well with my cousin, either, especially when I stopped buying soap for the dishwasher.

In August, I found out from a mutual friend that my cousin and I were in a fight over the temperature in the apartment. I literally had no flippin’ clue. A couple of weeks before, my cousin, her boyfriend, and I had dinner together, and I mentioned that I noticed they’d been putting the air on auto, which turns off the fan. They told me that it kept the apartment cooler that way. I told them fine, and I asked them that, if they were going to do that, to please turn the fan on in my room because my cat’s litter box was in my room and, with no air circulation at all and regardless of how clean I keep the box, it would be stifling in my room without some air current. They said they could do that. They did it once, and then, a few weeks later I find out we’re apparently in a “fight” about it. Really?

A week later, I decided to bring it up because, F it all, being in an argument I didn’t even know about was actually pissing me off. I offered solutions to the temperature situation. They were all shot down, and I was told, “[He and I] will figure something out. It’s okay.” So, that issued was solved not at all, but it was yet something else that she didn’t like that I was doing.

By the end of September, my cousin decided to tell me that she “misread” the lease. She thought it was up on December 1, so they’d already found a new place and were moving in the last week of November, but, since she was in the wrong about it and that was on her, she would pay her share of the rent for December “if [I] still wanted [her] to.”

*slow blink*

Naturally, my answer was a strong affirmative on that one. She was going to pay her part of the rent.

I don’t think that sat well with her either.

In fact, there a lot of things that didn’t sit well with her, like the fact I didn’t always talk when she walked into a room, which I didn’t find out until over year into this crap, and not from her but from one of her gentlemen suitors who was on his way out to smoke on our patio and mentioned it as a throwaway line as he stepped outside. She didn’t like me camping out at home during the weekend and “never leaving the apartment,” but she never seemed to take into account that my nearly 3 hour round trip commute during the week meant I had no time for things like watching TV or playing videogames during the week. I guess, when you can drive home from work for lunch and a little siesta and get back on time, you forget other people have a harder time chilling at home during the work week.

Here’s the thing, I don’t think I’m actually allowed to be angry, irritated, or otherwise negative about any of this. She was in a car accident that hurt her back even more than it already was, so she had problems bending over and couldn’t carry much weight, which is why she didn’t do dishes or take the trash out. When her boyfriend moved in, he did take the trash out, but I was feeling no guilt over that because he was paying less than 1/3 of rent/bills. She has mental health issues circling around depression and anxiety, so I’m supposed to be patient with her when she’s having problems talking to me about things that bother her or when she didn’t bother to give me a heads up that a strange man/man in general was in the house and could come out of her bedroom at any point, like when I’m going/coming from the shower because my bathroom was not attached to my bedroom. (Yes, I have a robe. That’s not the point.) She is a self-identified introvert and empath, so I’m supposed to understand that she’d extremely sensitive and be cognizant of that fact so as not to hurt her feelings accidentally.

Right? I’m supposed to just roll with it, and, whenever I think something might be wrong, I should’ve asked her instead of her bringing it up even though it’s a thing bothering her. Right?

I F’ING DID. About once every three months I would ask her if I’d done something or said something that pissed her off, and she never once – NOT ONCE – took the chance to tell me any of the shit that was bothering her.

Not.

One.

Single.

Flippin’.

Time.

The final time I asked her what was going on with her was November about a week before she and her boyfriend moved out, and she said, “Well, nothing except I think you don’t like me anymore.”

I said, “Have I done anything to you to indicate that?”

Her: No

Me: Have I said anything to make you think that?

Her: No

Me: Do have an example that shows why you might feel that way?

Her: No, not really

Me: Have you spoken to me about it at all?

Her: No

Me: Well, if you don’t have anything, then I don’t know what to tell you. I don’t have anything to give you anymore.

Because that was a freakin’ setup. It was too little too late, and I was so tired and so frustrated by then that anything would have been a verbal beat down and extremely accusatory. It would NOT have been productive. If she had given me something, I would have happily addressed it and explained my thought process, but she didn’t. She brought it up and hoped I’d just get after it.

Nope. I only had a few weeks to go by then.

I sent her the final rent/bill cost and forgot that her boyfriend wasn’t paying the 250.00 he’d generously been giving for rent. When I asked her the morning of the day of her move about it, she had apparently built up this whole argument in her head about how her boyfriend had “agreed to be a tenant only until the end of November, and, since this rent was for December and he was no longer a tenant, he did not owe the money,” which made me want to roll my eyes so far back in my head I could see my brain.

I cut her off, told her that was fine so long as she paid me, and I left for work.

Since then, I haven’t said a word to her. I saw her and her boyfriend on Christmas Eve at our grandfather’s house. We said exactly nothing to each other. I gave her a book she mentioned she wanted and a hand blender like one I have that I thought she might like that’s great for sauces and soups. She gave no one anything, or maybe it was just me. Hard to know these days.

You know, in general, I try to do what’s right. I do. It may not be in a gentle way. I’m not a feelings person. I don’t do the empathy thing well. It’s just not my thing. I’ve spent my whole life with chronic pain and clinical depression with the added bonus of generalized anxiety. It’s great. It’s like slamming on the breaks and the gas at the same time while in the middle of a three car pileup. I learned a long time ago that you just have to keep going. You find solutions that work to allow you to keep doing what needs to be done despite whatever ails you. In spite of your physical or mental pain, there’s a point at which you have to go to work, you have to clean up after yourself, and you have do for yourself without expecting anyone to be grateful or excited that you are doing it.

That’s just adult life. It sucks sometimes, but life is hard. My physical and mental issues are not my crutch, and I think that, a lot of the time, they’re my cousin’s, and that frustrates me not because I’m trying to one up her on the ‘oh yeah, mine’s worse’ meter, but because it keeps her from progressing in life, and it keeps the rest of us around her in a constant state of ‘will this be the thing that sets her off?’

She just won’t talk about anything that bothers her and refuses to address problems, and I just can’t do it anymore.

On the tenth anniversary of the death of the woman who raised me, I wanted to go visit her grave, but my cousin’s fuck buddy posted about his new girlfriend on Facebook, and she had a mutual friend call me and ask me to come over to help manager my cousin because she was so distraught, so I did. Looking back, I don’t think I should have. She used to throw actual tantrums when we were children when things weren’t going her way because we were ‘mean to her,’ and I never understood that. She complains about no one understanding her or bothering to remember what is important to her even though she does that for other people because she’s a giver, but people do stuff for her all the time, and they don’t have to.

I don’t think I can be a good person to her anymore. If these past two years have taught me anything, it’s that I was a chump. I hate myself for that. I don’t ever want to feel as stressed out and frustrated about going home as I did these past two years. I am the most unhealthy I have ever been, and it’s because I allowed myself to be that way in order to stay out of the line of sight of my cousin lest I upset her.

It’s stupid. I was stupid. I was so very stupid, and I don’t think we will ever get back to where we were before this mess started. It’s a loss on both sides, and I could make it right by reaching out to her and apologizing for not being sympathetic, understanding, and helpful in her times of need, but the truth is it’s a two way street, and I was the only one reaching out.

It’s her turn.

As childish and selfish and self-centered as that sounds, and I know it’s egotistical, which is wrong, but it’s her turn to be the bigger person and reach out to me. If she really wants the relationship (as she said about a boy who she once wanted to date but didn’t want to ask him out because he should ask her out), she can talk to me.

It’s wrong… I hate myself for that, too, but I feel so much better having that behind me and being alone again.

….maybe I just shouldn’t be around people…

[do1care]

9:37 pm thoughts, ending friendships.

Va escrito en ingles porque iba primero para reddit, ojala y alguien me lea aca algun dia:(

FYI, this is a long post about my struggles and thoughts on my problems, if you don't want to deal with them feel free to move to the next post:), it's ok.

I know that everything has to end, that's the most natural part of life, as far as I can see it, everything has to come to an end. Doesn't matter if it's your favorite coffee cup, or your longest relationship ever, that's just how life is, and there's nothing wrong with it, but the fact of accepting it can cause some real shitty problems. Or at least to me.

I lost my best friend on January, and no, by lost I don't mean he died, thankfully, 'cause he's and extraordinary human, he is such a grateful and open minded young man willing to help you no matter what; that being said, the reason why you can say we "broke up" (we weren't dating, just that i didn't find any other word that could sume up that were not bffs anymore, haha), it's pretty fucking stupid, haha.

I'll give you a few seconds so that you try to guess, haha.....1.....2......3....OK, times up. Don't know if you saw this coming, but it was because of a girl (told you, pretty fucking stupid reason).

Let me set the scenario up for you.

He and I have been friends since we were 10 and 11 (I'm younger), we are now 16 and 17. We had been together in a lot of struggles each; helping the other in whatever it was possible to, he changed school when he was 13 because his mother had a problem with our principal, anyway. It may appear that since then we started talking less with each other, but no, its the total opossite (crazy, right?). Since he got out of my school we started talking more and more, and I remember on the 2015 new years eve, I was all alone in my room hearing all the fireworks welcoming the new year 2016, and at 2:30 am or so i called him and we started talking till 6:00 am or so, we never ran out of talk, it was always so funny, haha.

Ok, now to how we stop talking.

On January 2017, he had been dating a few girls on and off. But nothing too serious, but like on the 25th he started telling me about this girl that a friend introduce to him, and that she was sooo hot, but all she wanted from her was to hook up (nothing weird about that, he always wanted that, and i think thats ok, if the girl wants that too). And he sent me this girl facebook profile, so i started checking her out, and she was a girl from another school, which, another girl friend of mine was in like 2 years ago.

(ok, now this is getting confusing, from now on we are gonna call them like this: my ex best boy friend: ed. My girl friend: luna, the girl that caused the problem: pico)

And luna had told me that the girl that pico was a kinddd of a slut (i know that that can be offensive, but bare with me here, those were her words, not mine). And I was like, oh, cool, either way ed just wants to hook up with her, so they can both be happy. But one day ed told me that he was trying to get into a serious relationship with pico, at this point I had told ed everyting that luna had told me about pico, but he didn't seem to care at all. By this point, as any teenager-best-male-friend would do, i was very concerned, cause he had gotten broken up a lot in the past, by girls that didn't deserve him. By shitty girls. And i didn't want him to get his heart broken again, and at least this time I had something in my power to stop that. Or at least that's what I thought.

Remember that Luna and Pico were very good friends in the past, at this point they talk to each other, but not as much. And also, at this point Luna and I are veeeery good friends, in fact, she is one of my 2 best girl friends (thankfully, she still is, she's awesome, haha)

So I send Luna the screenshot of the time when Ed was telling me that all he wanted Pico for was to get laid, and Luna ask me if I was sure I wanted this to get to Pico, I said yes. But told her that she said to Pico not to show them to Ed. (I think you can guess where this is heading).

Long story short, Ed realized what I did, and basically sent me to eat shit, I couldn't understand how he rather lose his best friend and having a girl to fuck and not viceversa (and oh, btw, i now it was a total dick move from me to send the screenshots of our chat to Luna. But I dind't want this girl to hurt him). By this point, it was maybe like februart 4th or something like that. We stoped talking, but I remember that this was killing me, cause I was ised to tell him everything that happened in my mind, every single deep or stupid thought I had, no matter how vain or important it was, and he knew that i'll always be there for him, so I tried to apologize, and I freacking got fully emotional with him, i remember being at bed like at 1 am texting him whyle crying, he was so fucking important to me, little did I know i meant so little to him by this point.

The important part of this is that I wrote him that i loved him. Of course i loved him, he was my fucking best friend, how am I not supposed to love him? (Again, little did I know this was gonna fuck my life in a while)

Amyway, he basically told me that he had forgiven me, just that I wasn't his best friend anymore, that, that fucking killed me, it was like a stab in the chest, I felt it deep into myself, losing a friendship with someone you value so much, that you had plans for the future with, so many memories together. Just gone. Fucking went off. It was my fault. I destroyed, it was me the one who blame. Fast forward two monts of feeling depressed and shitty af, my sister went to the beach with a friend, a girl friend, but my dad is a freacking maniac so he decided to go to their beach house without tellimg anyone just to check if she wasn't lying (spoiler. Of course she wasnt, my sister is the best). Anyway, so he told me to write to her friend cause I also get along with her (or at leaste i used to, another friendahip gone, yey) to send me their location, so my dad took my phone and started texting her like if it was me, cause of course, it was from my number, why would she think it wasnt me?

(And by this point i think i should tell you two important things:

1. My father is an asshole and a real noisy bitch.

2. He is super homophobyc, this is kinda caused because his brother is gay, and they were born in a very mysoginistic environment.)

Anyway, so my dad started scrolling around my chats, and I at this point I didn't remember my chat with Ed, until I saw it on my phone screen, when I saw it, my heart went from being calm to almost getting a heart attack. I was fucking nervous, cause I knew how his reaction was going to be, and i didnt want him to see what I wrote with him, cause it was personal shit, things that no one but you and the other person are supposed to see (now that I analyze this, I think it is kind of karma because i did the same to Ed), I was terryfied, sweating. Almost crying, and when he was about to enter my chat with Ed, i tried to take my phone away from his hand, by this point he knew i was hiding something. I fucked it up, there was nothing else that I could do, but to be waiting for him to react. There were 5 minutes of pure silence in the car, i tried as hard as I could not to cry (my very first reaction in strong emotional moments, is crying, no matter if it's a super sad moment or in the middle of the biggest argument of my life, i just can't control it).

Then he says -So you love him?

I got freezed, i really don't remember any much of it cause I was so afraid of it, I just remember telling him that yeah, i loved him cause he was my best friend. Anyway, he took my phone away from me and talked with my mom about it. My mom is genuinely the best, she's very supportive and lovely. She just tells me that no matter what I feel I can always tell her and that she'll love me no matter what, but to stop saying to some random dude that he was everything to me and that i felt fucking misserablr without him (i kinda told that to Ed when I tried to apologize). Since than, my dad has been a little lore of a douche bag with me, and he doesn't know I have my phone, cause he gave it to my mom, but she gave it to me, haha, she's the best (forgot to mention, i only live with my mom, but they get along pretty well).

Now Ed and I talk maybe once in a while, and I have accepted the fact that he's not my bf and i'm not his, and that's ok. Cause everything has to end, nothing last forever.

------

I tottaly forgot what the purpose of writing this story was, I just hope that maybe someone might read it and I don't know, tell me anything, i literally just was fucking sad and upset with lifeand general and decided to start writing this. But ended up spending an hour and a little bit more writing it, haha.

Remember that this is my first post to reddit. So feel free to comment or idk what the interactions in here are called, but yeah, i think i might post this to my tumblr later, haven't ever post there either, haha.