#mbpersonalposttag

[mbelyakova]

health & hiatus update

so, since may i’ve had the privilege of seeing a doctor who specializes in treating mcas/pots. there’s a series of meds for me to (very slowly) try, in a certain order. there are dietary changes to be (slowly) made. there’s a lot of resting to be done, because my body can’t stand not to. i’m trying to embrace radical rest. i’m also waiting on test results to see if i have obstructive sleep apnea. (i hope so at this point because there is an Easy Fix for that compared to the other health problems...)

compression garments, 4L of water per day, 4g of extra salt per day, reclining exercises that i haven’t found the spoons to try just yet. it’s a lot to manage, so i can only proceed a little at a time.

i’ll keep my queue going on this site as much as possible, but i will be ~slow as fuck~ to respond to messages anywhere. i miss drawing and fangirling and goofing off with everyone, and it means so much to me when i get a message checking in or wishing me well. i hope i can return the favors when i have access to more spoons. for evidence of life, i’ll basically always continue to be kpop trash on lastfm.

🖤 i love you guys, times are hard for everyone, please be gentle with yourselves 🖤

[mbelyakova]

after being pleasantly surprised by the david ward mental wellness wednesday post on my feed (thx @mrswhymrhow), i just have to say something about “i am in eskew.”

i only recently got into it. i finished it and am re-listening for the innumerable details i’m sure i’ve missed the first time. i haven’t posted about it before.

(cn: fatphobia mention)

that episode that starts with the psychiatrist is my absolute favorite, because it really helped me deal with the onslaught of fatphobic advertisements as the diet industrial complex engages in a post-quarantine feeding frenzy. i’ve listened to that one over and over.

the episode has nothing to do with fatphobia, but (not enough context for spoilers) what happens to david regarding the railway bridge is really exactly what those ads feel like to me. the fatphobic ads are inescapable, they’re abusive, they use deeply personal manipulation tactics, they induce shame and panic, and they physically harm people. if you buy what they’re selling, their products and regimens will fry your metabolism to hell, even if they appear to temporarily “work.”

i know the invocation of ad tactics in the episode is intentional, but it’s the utter bluntness of the metaphor that got to me. i no longer have a visceral reaction every time i see one of those stupid fatphobic ads. my brain translates all the garbage into a single, repeated word: an absurd directive that i can comfortably ignore.

[mbelyakova]

would be great if google safe search filtered out autopsy photos, as that's why i put it on in the first place, silly me

[mbelyakova]

i was really just contacted by a corporation trying to sell me something for a diagnosis that my doctor hadn't even reached out to tell me about yet huh

[mbelyakova]

what’s the word for when your forever special interest is other people’s temporary hyperfixation

[mbelyakova]

hello

[mbelyakova]

god help me, i’m rediscovering j-rock

[mbelyakova]

the ptsd understander has logged on

[mbelyakova]

listening to nosleep and playing stardew to see if they cancel each other out

[mbelyakova]

i got used to that guy's face not being plastered everywhere anymore and now when i see it in a news article or unexpectedly hear a clip of his horrible voice i react like it's a screamer video

[mbelyakova]

it’s always wild to be a queer woman or enby and see a woman in an old movie or tv show from when you were a kid and realize

OH SHIT, WAIT, I HAD A CRUSH ON HER ??

because compulsory heterosexuality didn’t let your brain even register that it was a crush when you were that age. so it was just a fixation that you didn’t know how to explain to yourself

[mbelyakova]

I’m scheduled to get my first Moderna dose on Wednesday. 🙏🏻

I’m deemed extra vulnerable because I’m a big fatass. I am indeed extra vulnerable, but these things are not connected. 🙄

I guess this is the one (1) circumstance in which BMI bullshit has actually helped me with my health (or helped anyone, ever). Usually it results in doctors ignoring real problems in favor of “if I were you, I would simply stop being fat. 🌌🧠”

[mbelyakova]

we finally got a new half life game this year and motherfuckers gotta destroy the fandom that coalesced around it

fuck all of you who chased people out of this fandom and created painful or traumatic associations with it. fuck you.

what the fuck is wrong with you

[mbelyakova]

i didn’t know if i’d have the energy to do much today but OH BOY RUSH LIMBAUGH IS DEAD I FEEL SO INVIGORATED

TOTALLY UNRELATEDLY, this might be a fun time to look up what the many buddist hells are like, if you’re into that sort of thing

[mbelyakova]

anybody know of some amicable revenge gods i could pray to?

motherfuckers are shooting gigantic mortars in front of my house

[mbelyakova]

abusive father covid exposure dna conspiracy bullshit ptsd broken computer keyboard taxes sick sugar glider bad communication from vet unanswered emails glasses derealization clean house migraines taxes vaccine sabotage florida genocidal governor suppression corruption mass death taxes medical history list making executive dysfunction caffeine crash heart racing missing form taxes bad digestion stomachache stress fear for family health yelling dog barking insurance kafka bureaucracy fascism ta