#mb idk I forget my tags | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

ambrosialdesire · 10 months ago

Note

OMG i would like to request yandere bertolt x paradis reader.you can pick whatever part of the timeline you want, maybe he managed to survive to take her to marly, or maybe she just tried to escape on marly or paradis, or maybe he just kidnapped her I don't really care

Thank you

desiderate

18+ DARK CONTENT BELOW, MINORS AND BLANK BLOGS DNI

pairing: s4 bertolt x fem!reader word count: 9.5k warnings + tags: general yandere and obsessive themes, unhealthy relationships, some explicit sexual content, s4 bertolt au, implied non-con, violence, kidnapping mention, stalking, forced kissing (kinda dubcon), slight groping, kinda masochistic bertolt, cigarette usage/smoking, blood kink, knife kink, slight voyeurism, male masturbation mention, panty jerking off mention (?), slight body mutilation, scarification implications, all characters are 18+ synopsis: they've brought you here on this foreign land, a land that was once believed to be completely overrun with monsters. you've been living pretty easy with this new life of yours but it's hard to forget about what he's done to your old home. this singular man, capable of complete destruction despite his nervous demeanor. there may be humans here but the true monster still remained, watching your every move until he was ready to strike. a/n: IM NGL IVE BEEN WAITING FOR SOMEONE TO REQUEST BERTOLT LMFAO i made bro a creep cause i feel like between bertie and reiner, bertie definitely has the tendency to be lurking and stalking behind corners and constantly following you and finding to opportunity to snatch your underwear to jerk off into LOL the reference that i used for s4 bertolt is this fanart that was used in a tiktok edit but i have no idea who made the art and it's making me scream bc it's definitely how i imagine what he looks like (but with thicker chin stubble) and i want to give the right creds (if you look up s4 bertolt/bertholdt fanart on google and see a tiktok image of him smoking, that's what i'm talking about but i want to give actual creds to the artist) also mb on the smoking scenes idk how it feels to smoke but i do sorta know the distinct smell of it this is also in no way connected to the cacoëthes series just to let yall know hehe i hope you enjoy this anon! thank sm for your request!! and sorry for the wait LOL note: please keep in mind of the tags above and do not proceed if triggering or uncomfortable, especially if you are a minor!! do not read my or any other writers' dark content if you are underaged. this is a fictional work and does not reflect irl morals, do not believe this is how a real romance works or functions.

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: .☽ . :☆ﾟ.───

"Call off your damn hound Reiner, I'm getting sick of his shit."

Pushing past the blond as you entered his home, you made your way to his dining table. You huffed as you sat down, leaning back against the chair as your boot-covered legs kicked up on the wooden table. Reiner rolled his eyes, pushing them back down to the ground with a heavy thud. He crossed his arms, leaning on the wall adjacent from where you sat.

"A hello first would suffice. What's Bertolt getting himself into again?"

"My business!" Exasperated, you threw your hands over your face. "He keeps fucking following me and it's starting to freak me out. You guys know I'm not suspicious anymore, there's no way for me to be able to contact Paradis Island at all."

Saying your old home's name had started to feel foreign on your tongue unfortunately. It's been over four years since you've been whisked away by these two assholes and living here has been nothing but a thorn on your side. You worked under the Warrior Unit, mostly a simple soldier for both Bertolt and Reiner to boss around for basic things. It's nothing different from your time as a scout but it's frustrating working for them instead of with them.

You don't know why they took you away with them instead of breaking out their other accomplice, Annie, but after a handful of screaming, punching, kicking, and biting from you, they managed to drag you off to the boat. You stayed there for an estimated week or so with random strangers coming and going, poking and prodding at you as if you were one of Hange's experiments on Eren and randomly caught Titans.

The two of them finally came back one random night unconscious, battered and beaten to the point where their Titan healing powers couldn't even help them fast enough. You needed them alive — how else were you going to manage escaping this unknown place of theirs — so you helped tend to their wounds, staying at their sides until they were finally awake.

Once they were conscious enough, you punched Reiner square on the nose, spinning around to smash your knuckles right into Bertolt's cheek. Your hand was throbbing in pain but the burning fury you felt was stronger. By the time they woke up, the boat already was leaving the docks, and now you were most likely already miles away from home.

"You fucking assholes."

Blood was dripping down his nose, while a cut just barely formed on the bruised skin of the other. It was in vain however. Steam was steadily coming out of the two of them, meaning that the healing was back in working condition.

"FUCK! I didn't even say anything yet!" Reiner scowled as he placed his hands around his nose, snapping it back in place with a nauseating crack.

Bertolt laid there quietly however, lanky fingers brushing against the welt on his face but he was unable to meet your stare. Tears started streaming down your face, your body crumpling to the floor. You were completely hurt, you trusted these two like they were family, especially Bertolt. Was he really who you thought he was? How could they do this to you? To everyone back in Paradis?

"Why? Why me?"

The two of them fell even more silent, Reiner looking up at the ceiling while Bertolt closed his eyes shut as if he was the one that was currently going through it.

"Well say something goddamnit! Why am I here?" You were beyond angry, voice crackling from how loud you were screaming at them. "Tell me!"

Bertolt finally opened his eyes, pale green staring into yours. You couldn't see him. There was only the Colossal Titan looking down at you as if you were nothing but an insignificant speck on the wall. He opened his mouth, uttering remorselessly one phrase that made you even more resentful of their entire beings.

"I'm sorry."

Now you were here after long months of being processed and interviewed over and over by many Marleyan higher-ups, eventually and finally gaining their trust. You knew they still didn't like you but who really gives a shit, they left you alive and that's all you could be grateful for.

Since you directly worked underneath the two Titan shifters, they were able to get you housing and some basic supplies for you to be able to function properly in their society, as well as a good amount of pocket money to buy whatever you needed. You didn't go out of the house for a month though, still horribly and rightfully angry at them. You were also afraid of the idea that you'd get mobbed immediately once you stepped out and killed on sight by the locals.

Bertolt was the one that finally knocked on your door, tired and baggy eyes focused on the peephole. Part of you wanted to keep the door closed and ignore his presence, but he might report you or something stupidly petty. When you opened it up, the faint waft of bitter tobacco invaded your senses, nose wrinkling at the unfamiliar smell.

As you looked up at him, he felt and looked even more like a stranger than a past friend. It's only been a month but it looked like he had gotten broader at the shoulders and taller. He was wearing a beige uniform, a white undershirt and black tie peeking out of the chest of the long, belted trench coat. His black hair was partially pushed back with gel, slightly being more grown out from the last time you saw him. The way he held himself now in Marley was completely different from Paradis, an eerie calmness surrounding his person. He used to hunch into himself when he was a trainee and a soldier, but now his back was rigid and straight, arms hidden neatly behind his back. The posture reminded you of the utmost dedicated soldiers in the Scout Regiment.

"You haven't been going to work." He softly spoke, his head slightly tilting to the side.

"So?"

"Failure to comply means termination. Termination means you'll get kicked out of Marley. Getting kicked out of Marley means death." Alright, straight to the point. Even the way he was speaking sounded different, as if he had suddenly gained a newfound confidence that was only present here in his homeland.

"You guys really thought I was able to function properly in a new continent where everything is different in a few months? Not to mention, I'm still pissed off at the two of you but fine. I'll come in tomorrow. Goodbye." You proceeded to close the door on him but he stopped it with his boot. Groaning under your breath, you tried pushing at the door so he could back off, but it was to no avail.

His hand grabbed the side of the door and heaved it open with little struggle, letting himself in as you toppled back into the ground from the force.

"You haven't been going out at all. When's the last time you bought groceries?" You flinched, avoiding his judging gaze. How did he know?

"Last month." You muttered as you got up from the ground, brushing yourself off.

Bertolt sighed, glancing off to the side. "Okay. I'll wait here for 15 minutes. Go get dressed and get your money, I'll help you navigate the markets."

You didn't want to but food was definitely running low, and you don't know how long the canned meat in your pantry was going to last in your anger-riddled protest. You made your way upstairs, rummaging through the closet and grabbing the cleanest clothes you were able to find and put on within the time limit he gave. Making your way back down, you found him in the exact same spot, his eyes glancing around the living room.

"Alright. Let's go and we're going to make it quick. I don't think I can stomach standing next to you for this long." You bitterly grumbled, moodily pulling the door open. Bertolt followed after, closing the door for you and taking the lead. What sucked even more was how quickly you had to dash after him, his steps being too large for you to have a steady pace next to him. Maybe him being a near giant compared to a normal person — you noticed as the two of you walked through crowds of people — was thanks to the Titan DNA.

Each passerby gave you a look as you walked on through but never spared a second glance, which was good. You knew that you were an unfamiliar being, a foreigner that was never supposed to be here in the first place. The farmer's market was still open, vegetables and fruits neatly lined up in each stall. He did most of the talking, being able to haggle easier due to his status and the blaring armband that wrapped around his upper arm. You didn't like having to be publicly labeled, it felt like you were merely a product rather than a person.

You were focusing on a stall with jars of honey and jams when some person suddenly shoved you aside with their shoulder, body suddenly losing its balance due to the amount of groceries you were holding on one arm. You prepared for the impact of the cobbled ground but never felt it, instead feeling a firm hand snug in-between your curve of your side and another on your shoulder.

"Careful now." You opened your eyes, meeting his in shock once he steadied you back on your feet. Bertolt's face soon turned to a bright red, his hands quickly leaving you, and his gaze glancing away. Perhaps there really is still some semblance of the man you knew in your homeland.

"Th-thanks..." Adjusting the bag stiffly back up your arms, you proceeded forwards without him, leaving him behind at the stall. It became a usual thing eventually, he'd come over every two weeks to make sure you were fine and the two of you would go out buying your necessities for an hour or two. It didn't erase the fact that you still hated them, but at least he was helping you get comfortable in this strange new world.

You finally started going to work as promised, wearing an awkward and stuffy white uniform that made even the tangling straps of the cadet uniform pale in comparison. According to the paper that came with the uniform, you were to report to Reiner and Bertolt in one of the headquarters' rooms. However, the details were so vague that you were completely lost in the beginning, roaming the hallways without a clue where you were heading.

"Soldier. Face me."

You stiffened, turning around and straightening up. The tall man was vaguely familiar, a full blond beard lining his face and round spectacles hiding his eyes. His right hand raised up as if he was saying hello and you quickly returned the gesture, somewhat remembering that it was their version of a salute.

"Name and ranking?"

"Y/N L/N, er... I'm not sure of my ranking sir. I just know I'm assigned to work for the Vice Captain and one of the Warriors?" You shuffled your feet awkwardly and he nodded, gesturing his hand for you to follow him. He started scratching his ear as he walked, as if he was in thought. To you, he really felt familiar but you couldn't quite place where the feeling belonged.

"Ah yes," His eyes glanced at you, the blue color peeking out from behind the glasses. "Now I remember. You're Reiner and Bertolt's human souvenir from the devil island, aren't you?"

Is that what they called you? And how dare he call your home a devil island! A bubble of anger was rising within you, but you didn't want to take it out on the older man that was helping you find your way. He had to be a higher-up based on his demeanor and you'd rather not get in more trouble.

"...Yes sir, I am."

"You were supposed to be here a month ago." You cringed internally but nodded slowly.

"It's my fault sir. I've only been here for a few months and everything is too... new. I hope my absence didn't affect anything." The man simply hummed, stopping at a door with the words 'WARRIORS UNIT' neatly carved into the wood. You pulled the door for him, letting him saunter in before you entered.

"I found your little pet, you two." His hand pressed against the small of your back, pushing you forwards towards a table where the two of them sat. They looked completely exhausted and were partially bandaged up, quietly sparing a glance at you with a short wave.

You settled yourself in-between them, about to thank the man for helping you but he was already stepping away, going outside to light up a cigarette.

"Don't mind Zeke, he's just... eccentric like that. Hope he didn't offend you." Reiner pushed a pile of papers towards you to sort once you turned back to them, saying something about piling them from who sent them; the important files being from the commander and the Marleyan superiors and the unimportant files being from other soldiers. It slowly dawned on you that you became some sort of assistant to them, a glorified secretary for their war schemes.

"It's nothing too difficult, you're lucky to get this kind of work compared to us and the other Eldian soldiers." Bertolt slightly smiled, continuing to read a paper in his hands and you sighed quietly, beginning to sort. Part of you was grateful you didn't have to face war anymore, but the other part didn't want to be treated differently. Maybe the Marleyans thought that you'd defect once you were on the field or kill as many as you can with a weapon in your hands, going out in a blaze of glory. You never held a gun before though and it was most likely that everyone in this military could shoot you down before you could aim it at one person.

An hour or two passed by and you finished up the sorting, neatly tapping them together. It really wasn't a difficult task at all, were they going to make you do something else for today? You quietly waited for any orders, the two focused on their own thing until Reiner suddenly got up.

"I'll go get lunch for us. Y/N, you can relax for now, there's nothing else we need from you today. Good work." He ruffled the top of your head playfully, just like he did before after a training session in the corps. The blond soon left the room, leaving only Bertolt and you alone.

The two of you sat in silence, your hands fiddling with the seams of your uniform. Was sorting the only thing you're going to be doing during your time here? You'd quit within the month if that was the case but if not, maybe in due time you'll save enough money to open up your own shop. You've always wanted to sell clothing back in Paradis, just like your mother and father.

"You look good in the uniform." Bertolt finally mumbled out, the sound of a paper flipping over barely making it audible. You slightly flushed at the comment, diverting your attention to the closest wall in sight.

"Really? I feel like a wet cotton ball, it's so uncomfortable. The scouts uniform is way better." You grumbled, tugging at the cloth around your legs.

He slightly laughed at that, shaking his head. "No way. The scouts uniform was too tight, not to mention the straps were always so difficult to put on."

"Maybe it's cause you're a literal giant compared to everyone there. I just know they had to customize a whole other set for your ass." He snorted and started laughing, dropping the paper in his hand. You couldn't help but let out a few chuckles as well, crossing your arms together. The two of you bantered for a little bit longer and just for a second, it felt like you were right back home in the training corps canteen.

Everything fuzzed out in your hearing and you soon found yourself comparing home to here. The smells were different, not quite fresh as the countryside air and had a more smoky tone with every breath you took. The sights were different, more machinery was seen rather than grassy fields and trees. The people were different, there was no one recognizable to chat with besides your kidnappers. Everything here had entirely evolved and you were being forced to adapt to it. The realization made you feel a drop in your stomach, tears beginning to form in the corners of your eyes.

"Bertolt."

"Hm?"

"I want to go back home." Your voice was meek, heavy droplets falling down and staining the white fabric beneath you. His body stiffened and he got up from his chair, almost slamming it into the table when he pushed it in.

"This is your home." He responded coldly, a singe of irritation trailing off his words as he left the room, slamming the heavy door shut. You started to sob quietly, tightly holding onto the sides of your sleeved arms.

No it wasn't, and Bertolt knew it too.

‘•.¸♡ ♡¸.•’'•.¸♡ ♡¸.•’'•.¸♡ ♡¸.•’

Your work schedule was simple: Monday to Wednesday from 9:30 am to 6 pm, you served the Warrior Unit. Every other day, you could do whatever you wanted and that was that. The pay was pretty good for a livable wage, but nothing special. No task you were given from Reiner or Zeke was too difficult either, it was usually just sending out letters to their superiors or sorting anything they wanted you to sort. To be honest, it felt like they were just tolerating you since the Marley government didn't want to deal with you anymore. It sucked but it's better than being belly-up in the ocean.

You haven't tried to make amends with Bertolt after that day because one, it was his fault so why would you apologize anyways and two, he hasn't been around that often in the office space. Reiner explained to you that there will be days, sometimes weeks or months where some or none of them will be here. Apparently when they came back with the failure to retrieve the Founding Titan, the loss of Annie and her Titan, and the inability to capture Eren's special Titan, some nations came together and declared war on Marley.

"Hopefully it won't be so often that we're going to be gone for long. Wouldn't want to have you sit at home and do nothing." Reiner teased with a slight nudge against your arm before downing his glass of liquor.

"I do nothing even when working. Maybe I'll pick up some new hobbies when you guys are gone, like knitting or cross-stitching."

Maybe you can give the creations to your neighbors since you were just doing it for fun. One of them is an expectant mother and since you had moved in, she had been nothing but kind to you. It would be nice to give something to her in return.

"Alright grandma." You elbowed his side hard, rolling your eyes. He grunted and started rubbing the affected area, grumbling under his breath about your temper.

"Where's Bertolt? Aren't you guys inseparable?" He suddenly cleared his throat, adjusting himself in his seat. Back in the training corps and the short time in the Survey Corps, you've rarely seen the two separated. Wherever Reiner went, Bertolt followed suit.

"Probably caught up in something. He'll be here soon, he never cancels without notice." He waved his hand dismissively and you thought none the wiser, tracing your finger around the rim of your glass before taking a swig.

"Already missing him?" You suddenly choked on the liquor, throat burning at the sensation. No way. No way in hell, you'd ever miss him. He could get swallowed up by another Pure Titan and you wouldn't even bat an eye. You'd laugh instead, basking in the blood that would gush out of his torn corpse.

Before you could even say anything back, a soft voice popped into the conversation. "Missing who?"

The two of you turned and there stood Marley's behemoth, still dressed to the nines in his uniform. Reiner greeted him happily, ignoring the question completely, turning towards the bartender and ordering another scotch for his friend. Bertolt settled right next to you, taking the glass in his hand and drinking up the entire thing in one go, some liquid spilling out of the corner of his lips. He quickly wiped it up with his thumb, his tongue peeking out and licking the remnants away. His cold green eyes glanced down at you suddenly, catching you staring at him.

A flush of heat went through your skin, quickly looking away to stare into your partially-full glass. The drinks kept on coming, the haze of alcohol filling everyone's systems. You were the least intoxicated, slowly taking in the new attitudes and information from your drunk companions. It wasn't much but they became more chatty, opening up about their lives before Paradis.

"I joined because of my mother." Reiner moved his glass towards the bartender, his head leaned up against his arm as he watched the brown liquid fill up his cup.

"Oh yeah?" He nodded, taking a sip from the newly refilled glass before speaking once more.

"She had high hopes that our family would've been whole again. Me, her, and my father. He's, uh—" He cleared his throat, turning his attention towards you. A faint dust of pink rested on his cheeks, a cheeky smile growing. "He's a Marley-blooded man, so y'know... I'm not really supposed to..."

"Exist." You muttered as you finished his sentence and he let out a soft laugh, nodding lightly before downing his drink again.

"Harsh, but more or less, you could say that's it. Compared to me though," The black-haired man closed his eyes, huffing softly. "Bertolt here is more tragic."

Curious but puzzled, you turned your attention towards him, his hand running through his gelled locks and he mumbled something under his breath before taking a shot. You did wonder a bit about how this man turned out to be the worst attacker on Paradis Island's humanity, it felt sickening thinking about a sweet little boy being trained into a horrid monster.

"You know I hate talking about it Reiner." The blond snorted, turning on his chair and leaning back on the bar's counter.

"C'mon. Let her in on your situation, after all—" He stood up, walking over to him and placing his hand over his shoulder, leaning in close to his ear that you almost barely caught what he said.

"You owe her that much."

Reiner made his way to the bathroom, leaving the two of you alone once more together. The thought of trying to decipher what he meant flew past your inebriated mind and so you sat in silence, instead thinking that you might as well make your way home now. It was probably already past midnight, and you were sure that you were waking up late with a massive headache. As you finalized your decision, turning in your stool and towards the door without a goodbye, the thump of glass hitting wood snapped you out of it.

"I was raised only by my dad." Bertolt started and you slowly turned back towards the counter, your full attention on him.

"Don't know what happened to my mom, he never really told me and I was never curious enough to ask. It was just the two of us for as long as I knew but even as a kid that could barely read, I knew that he wasn't... okay." His fists clenched together and you could hear the cracks of his joints from how tightly he was gripping.

"When you're born an Eldian and live in the farthest parts of the internment camps, medicine is hard to get by and treatment is even more difficult to obtain. The minute I became eligible to join, I took the opportunity." You don't know what compelled you in the moment, but you placed a hand on one of his fists. He started relaxing once he realized that you were touching him, still stiff as he reminisced further.

"Did they give him the meds?" Bertolt nodded, taking in a shallow breath.

"A few days right after I inherited the Colossal, they started giving him everything they promised and he was getting better day by day. It wasn't until I left for our mission in Paradis that his condition evolved into something worse." You swallowed nervously, slipping your fingers into his and holding his massive hand gently. His head turned towards you, his eyes soft as he looked into your gaze.

You've never seen or heard him be so vulnerable before, guilt forming in the pit of your stomach. For him, he was fighting a one-sided war against your home, all because he wanted to take care of his dad. Yet in return, he caused the displacement of so many from their families, ripping them apart with a few kicks into the walls.

"When Zeke came on Paradis and we finally met up, I asked him about my dad and he told me that despite all the medicine and treatment that he's been getting, he wasn't getting any better. I had to see him again, no matter if I had failed the original mission or not. I couldn't die on that island without being able to see him again and I just barely made it. Sometimes the way we escaped made me wonder how I even made it out of there. It was only for a few months that I got to spend with him once we came back, but he passed away in his sleep last month."

His hand tightened around yours, though not enough to break it. No wonder he started to look more disheveled and exhausted recently, his whole reason for getting where he is was now gone. You pitied him but that didn't excuse the murders of thousands he did in your homeland. At the same time, it didn't mean that you should bring that major fact up, not when he was currently grieving.

"I'm sorry Bertolt."

"It's alright, you don't have to pity me. I have more to be sorry about towards you and the others. I'll never be able to properly make it up, nothing I'll ever do will be enough to wash away the blood on my hands."

The two of you sat there in silence, a warm hand around one cold hand. You really should leave now, before Reiner comes back and you'll be stuck drinking even more than you wanted to. You attempted to finally slide off the wooden seat, but he clenched your hand gently and tugged you towards him instead. Your eyes fluttered in both confusion and tiredness as you stood in front of his sitting frame. Blinking once, his face appeared right in front of yours. His free hand slid behind and rested against the nape of your neck, feeling thin but calloused fingertips tenderly brush against the skin as he pulled you even closer.

Okay... this was getting a little too weird for your liking. Beginning to open your mouth to verbalize your annoyance and trying to move back, he then took the opportunity to press his lips against yours.

You could taste the alcohol that the three of you had been previously been consuming intertwine with the tobacco's bitterness of the cigarettes he used, a vagueness of something sweet brushing up against your tongue as he tried to coax you into returning the action. His stubble was rough against your skin the more he moved, digging deeper as he pressed further into your mouth.

You had half the mind to bite that damn muscle of his, but the warmth of both the alcohol and him was stupefying, hypnotizing. It felt like you were melting against him, a warmth pooling in your stomach and in-between your thighs. Slowly, you convinced yourself to return the kiss, gravitating into his embrace. It was stupid of you to do considering you hate the guy but hey, who doesn't do stupid shit every now and then? Fuck, you even started wrapping your arms around his neck and shoulders.

There wasn't much people in the bar anyways, either too drunk off their minds to care or simply ignoring the disgusting couple intertwining themselves in the public space. The bartender was off chatting with another patron, most likely used to the sight of a couple making their passion uncomfortably known to others. It's the Colossal Titan user, who on Marley dared tried to say something about it?

The hand that once was holding yours, grabbed at the crook of your back to draw you even more impossibly near him, then sliding down towards the curve of your ass. To your utmost surprise, he clutched and squeezed at the flesh firmly, feeling you up with this sudden confidence that you would never thought of him having before.

"Annie."

Sobriety hit you like a cold bucket of water splashing onto you once you heard her name slip through his swollen lips, taking no time to immediately shove the man right off of you. He just told you his story, that his dad had just died last month, and here he was, kissing and groping you and then suddenly calling out Annie's name. You were breathing hard, eyes wide as saucers as you stared down at him in shock.

"What the fuck? What the fuck!?"

Bertolt's hand reached out to you, as if he was trying to make you lift him back up. You've never felt so nauseated to hear those very words come out of his lips as a valid apology, like it was no big deal.

"I love you."

You ran.

You ran out of the bar, into the blackened sea of night, never once looking back. If you did, you were afraid of what you might see in his eyes or if he was chasing after you. With tears lingering in the corners of your eyes, one single thought remained.

Out of everyone in the squadron, why did it have to be him?

‘•.¸♡ ♡¸.•’'•.¸♡ ♡¸.•’'•.¸♡ ♡¸.•’

For a month and a half the day after what happened, you never saw Bertolt in the office or around the internment zone.

It was probably the first time him and Reiner were ever separated for this long, the blond telling you that it was his own decision to be sent off into the battlefield alone. You wondered if he told him what he did to you after he came back from the bathroom, or excused why he was on the floor and why you were gone. Reiner never said anything about the incident, so it soon faded in the back of your mind into obscurity.

He wasn't your first kiss anyways, some now-dead nobody trainee back in the day was, and the two of you were drunk, stupid shit happens. Part of you also somewhat knew about Bertolt's fondness for the Female Titan user, originally not knowing about how close they were previously, but damn it. For a heated moment to be ruined like that left a sour taste in your mouth, and you couldn't help but hate him even more for it.

"He's back."

"Who?" Reiner's fist came down on the top of your head playfully, catching your attention from the paperwork.

"Y'know who. Better talk to him now before he passes out from exhaustion from the looks of it. Also, because I know you miss him~" He teased and you swatted his fist off of you, watching him as he walked off towards the main room laughing, leaving you with a pit in your stomach. You really didn't want to talk to him, even if a month had passed on by, but legally, he was your superior. Professionalism before personal feelings unfortunately.

You finally got up, walking slowly to the destination before taking in a deep breath and entering the medical unit. Bertolt was near an open window, a lit cigarette lazily nestled in-between his fingers as he stared out of it. He was the only person there and you swore that every time you saw him, he started to look more unrecognizable from his previous cadet days. His hair wasn't slicked back anymore, falling at the front of his eyes; in fact, you thought it might've grown out a little more from the last time you saw him. The Titan marks were still prominent on his face, like he had just transformed not long ago.

Wiping your clammy hands on your puffy uniform, you approached him, pulling up a chair nearby the bed and sitting down stiffly.

"Welcome back sir."

His head turned towards you and you swore that you felt the room grow colder as he gazed into you through the black strands of his messy hair. Maybe you were the only one that noticed, but his eyes were dead, hollow but still held some sharpness in those pale green irises. This was no longer the Bertolt you knew, this was a numbed man that got mentally thrown and torn apart in the arms of the constant war, the constant transforming, and the constant murder of many.

"Hit me."

"E-excuse me?" He must’ve gotten faster because you didn't realize how quickly he grabbed you until he pushed the palm against his healing skin. It was burning to the touch, as if you were right next to a blazing bonfire. Instinctively, you started to try and wiggle out of his grip but he held steady.

"Hit. Me." Bertolt's grip grew stronger around your wrist, fear creeping in through every cell in your body as you watched the surrounding skin pale from how hard he was holding. "That's an order."

You swallowed but nodded quickly in agreement, just so he can let go of you before any bones shatter. He immediately released you straight away, the action as fast as he previously took ahold of you and took a hit of the nearly burnt out stick. You had to hype yourself up for it, thinking back on every rotten memory you’ve had with him, balling up your fist and striking him as hard as possible where he originally placed your hand. The force made his head swing the other way, the cigarette butt dropping on the ground as your knuckles throbbed in agony. It was like directly punching a stony wall, not like the previous time you punched him on the boat to Marley.

You let go of the breath you didn’t even know you were holding, straightening back up as you held onto your wounded hand. "And how do you feel, Bertolt?"

Bertolt’s body didn’t move, but his hand began to slowly trailing up to the injury, pressing his fingers against the forming bruise. You flinched as he pushed his hair back to where you could finally see his eyes, exhaling the smoke that he previously took in through his nostrils. He glanced over in your direction and let out a soft chuckle, although you noticed that it didn't quite reach those dull eyes of his. There was one thought that lingered in your mind as you stared back into his gaze, that he must've gone crazy fighting in the frontlines.

"Good hit, make me bleed next time." ...What? "Though, I'm surprised that you decided to visit after... what we did the last time we saw each other."

Recovering quickly from trying to process what he just said at first, you cleared your throat, crossing your arms. "The Vice Captain requested me to visit his right hand man, who am I to refuse his wishes?"

He simply hummed in response, reaching for another cigarette in his pocket and his lighter. Placing the unlit stick at the side of his mouth, his eyes caught yours once more, a slight smirk forming. "When'd you start talking like the soldiers? You forget the years we've spent together already since I've been gone, or did you finally get in trouble for treating us like equals?"

You scoffed, pulling your lips in a thin line. "You're the one that gave me an order earlier, and I've had a recent revelation that I had to start acting like a subordinate rather your friend or buddy or whatever the fuck we are, so yeah, I guess it's the latter."

"Ahh, better watch your language then or I'll have to report you for profanity against a superior." Bertolt was of course joking, the mocking tone intertwining with his words. As you felt your eyebrow twitch in annoyance, the sound of lighter clicked and ignited, your eyes watching him pull the flame near.

"Y'know..." He started as he took in a drag, leaning his head back towards the ceiling and soon exhaling the smoke out slowly. "I've been thinking about you the entire time I was gone."

A heaviness plopped itself back on your shoulders, and you wanted nothing more but to excuse yourself out of his premises. You were about to say something to leave him alone, but he kept on talking, droning on and on about how he was counting down the days when he could finally see your face again. Bertolt mentioned that you were the only reason he kept on fighting, why he kept on killing so his commanders could see that he was doing such a swell job as their loyal Titan holder and let him leave early. What a horrible ideology, most of those people could've been innocents.

"And another thing, I kept thinking back on the kiss we shared that month ago." All the color drained from your face, turning and taking a step back to try and run, but felt his hand grasp onto the fabric right against your back. His voice had the same disdainfulness as before, a demandingness that you didn't even know he had in himself to project.

"Don't leave and turn back around. That is an order."

You grit your teeth, finally turning back around once he let go of your uniform and find him standing, his tall stature hovering over you. Nervousness crawled up your spine, flinching once you felt his cold fingers reach over to caress your jaw, tilting your head up to look at him. His eyes scanned your face, inspecting your features quietly before taking another drag of his cigarette. He then neared your face and press his lips against yours.

Recoiling at the abrupt kiss, you tried to push him away but the grip on your face was painfully tight, almost akin to the hold on your wrist earlier. You could do nothing but endure this assault, a slight whimper slipping out as the soreness of your face grew.

Bertolt's tongue brushed against your lips, trying to coax you into opening them. You might as well obey, just to get this over with and the fact that you were running out of oxygen at an alarming rate. Once you did, he pushed the smoke in your mouth as he deepened the kiss, the burn in your lungs and in your throat getting worse. In a panic, you bit down as hard as possible to free yourself, the taste of iron combining with the bitter nicotine. You quickly doubled over and started coughing, watching in tears as vague smoke came out of your mouth with every heave and breath.

"Ah." You peered up at Bertolt from within your teary vision, the tips of his fingers on his lips and pressing against the wound you inflicted. It was deep from what you're able to see, but already started to heal itself. Yet, that's not what at all made you run out the room in distress, almost vomiting into the bushes once you stepped foot out of the building.

You watched in mortified horror as he smeared the crimson around his lips and chin, a seemingly euphoric and satisfied expression reflecting on those pale green eyes of his. He looked down at your frozen form, crouching down and reaching over to your face with his bloodied fingers. A small whimper slipped out as he smeared the substance on your mouth, a hungry grin forming.

"Isn't this a beautiful sight? My blood on your lips, I wonder if I can make you bleed for me soon." It felt like he wasn't supposed to say it aloud, but maybe he wanted you to hear, to have a taste of what his true self was like. That thought alone made you run out, leaving him on the ground once again.

This time, you had to make sure you'd never see the sick fuck ever again.

‘•.¸♡ ♡¸.•’'•.¸♡ ♡¸.•’'•.¸♡ ♡¸.•’

And this brings you back to the beginning, in Reiner's home completely agitated and frightened for your life.

The past few months, Bertolt resumed his normal duties along Reiner and you; although you limited your interactions with one another, you can’t help but notice that he was following you everywhere. Not just at work, but the times where you were on your breaks, going out to eat, shopping for groceries or clothes, even in your own home; you saw him. You barely caught him sometimes, he'd disappear in a blink once you tried to get in a second glance to confirm who you saw.

He lingered behind corners, staring at you with such a frightening glimmer in those dull eyes of his. He was usually expressionless as he stared into your very soul, not a single crooked smile or the usual slight upwards curve of his eyes. Nothing, absolutely nothing. And the strangest part was that he never said a word, just... stared. Sometimes he just stood there right in the public's view, crowds of people passing besides him without a single glance towards the weirdo in their way.

There was nothing you could do about it, he wasn't technically bothering anyone and due to the internment zone being rather small, they already knew that he was associated with you. How unfair it was. You wished you could live like them, ignorant and dismissive of the monster that stood right next to them.

Him being right outside of your window was your final straw, the lamplight just barely highlighting his features as he stood in your backyard. You screamed and backed up into your dining room table once you realized that he was right against your window, pressing his hand against the glass as his breath began to fog it up. His eyes were crazed, the first time you ever saw anything in them after weeks of ignoring him. You flung the drapes over the window — as if it could do anything to protect you — before running upstairs and hiding in your closet for the rest of the night.

If he was able to sneak up on you, to be that close without you noticing… what else has he done?

"He's being a fucking creep, Reiner. If it's not him trying to figure out that I'm some kind of double-crosser, it's him being some kind of perverted stalker." He snorted at your remark and you could tell that he was not entirely convinced. You took in a shaky breath, finally putting down your foot.

"Then I would like to request that I leave the Warriors unit and work somewhere else. I don't care where and if I have to move, all I want is to never see Bertolt ever again." Reiner's expression suddenly hardened and he pushed himself off the wall, leaning on the table opposite of you. You've never seen him quite as serious until now, unease filling your stomach.

"You do realize that we cannot protect you once you leave the unit, right? The only reason you're alive still is because of us, Y/N. Anywhere else in the other units, the generals and commanders will watch you like hawks for any mistake you make, minor or not. They would use any excuse to have your head." His hand rested on your shoulder and squeezed it firmly, checking his surroundings before leaning close into your ear.

"Look. I know about Bertolt's strange behavior, trust me, I've already noticed he's been off ever since he came back from that recent excursion. I don't know if I can convince him to stop doing this to you, but I mean it when I say that you're better off staying in our unit." He then leaned back and lightly smiled for more reassurance; a part of you felt that it was the scout in him that was talking and that made you feel a little better.

"We're all you got in this world and your best chance for living. C'mon, just give him one more shot." This wouldn't be happening in the first place if you left me back in Paradis, you thought bitterly but hesitantly nodded your head.

"Okay, fine. But you better get it in his head that I don’t want him stalking me anymore or I’ll report him to General Magath and leave the unit, no matter what the consequences are." You got up and headed towards the exit, turning your head to see him slowly push in your seat. He noticed that you didn't leave yet and lifted his hand up, almost waving goodbye.

"No promises," Reiner held up his pinky, slightly wiggling it. "But I'll do my best."

You scoffed, but smiled regardless.

"Then whatever happens, it'll be on you."

The next day continued on as usual, something normal for once as both Reiner and Bertolt weren't in today. You thought that they must've gotten deployed to another war since you hadn't seen any of the other Warriors either, but you continued work as usual for your shift. Even if you weren't required to, you might as well lighten the load for you the next time around.

By the time you were done with half of the stack, you finally called it quits, seeing that the sun had began to slowly set behind the towering buildings right outside of the windows. Clocking out, you slung your satchel over your shoulder and pushed past the doors, quietly walking back to your home. Now that you started to think further during your trek, it's strange that you didn't get any notification from Reiner about their sudden leave. He'd always gave you some kind of heads-up even if you didn't ask, either through a note or in person.

Was this something so serious that not even you can know about? That would make more sense, you're technically just an underling to them, you didn't need to know more confidential information from the Marleyans as a Paradisian; not like you wanted it or had any use for it anyways. The orange glow of the sun began to fade, the sky slowly turning darker by the minute as lamplights started to flicker on right on cue.

You were so close to home that you started to pick up the pace, a feeling of anticipation running through you. It's not like you felt scared, no. This was the first time in days that you finally felt like you didn't have to look over your shoulder, the first time in months where you didn't feel like you were being watched.

In a matter of minutes, you finally reached the front door of your home. You rummaged through your bag for the keys, taking your time as you pushed through the unfortunately crowded mess. There was no need to rush anymore, not until they come back, and hopefully Reiner was able to talk Bertolt out of his abhorrent, unprofessional behavior. Letting out a happy hum as you finally found what you were looking for, you pushed in the key and turned it open, only to be greeted with a gut feeling that caused goosebumps to immediately form on your skin.

Something was wrong. Despite everything being in their right and respective places, there was something... off. Standing still at the entrance way, you scanned the environment slowly, a lump forming in your throat as they darted to-and-fro nervously. The windows were locked, you knew they were, and none of the drapes seemed to be moved or altered from their original places. There was only one entrance and to get to the backyard, you would have to take the side fence door at the outside of the resident. You almost were tempted to back out of your own house, the one place where you've considered as the safest haven from the outside. This feeling, it had to just be that you were unused to being finally left alone... right?

You finally took a step inwards, the wood creaking underneath your boot. Mentally, it felt like excruciatingly long hours had just passed by for you to get another step, internally praying that your mind won't play tricks on you from the various sounds that were occurring in the considerably old home. There's nothing or no one here, you're just being a paranoid baby.

Exhaling slowly, you finally shut and locked the front door behind you. Repeating the phrase over and over gave you confidence to continue forwards, determination in your eyes. You'd be damned if Bertolt thinks he could scare you out of your own home, you'd rather go to prison than try to stay at his home for temporary shelter.

You lost your appetite to prepare a simple dinner, now knowing that you'd prefer not to try cooking something when you've just arrived in fear for your life. However, you carefully made your way towards the kitchen, grabbing a knife out of the wooden block. The sound of the metal sliding out of its sheath may have been the loudest thing you've been currently hearing. You gripped onto the handle tightly, turning towards the stairs.

You knew you weren't alone here, the house may settle now and then, but this felt different. This was different. No matter what your brain was telling you, your gut was telling you otherwise.

Crrreeeaaakkkk...

You froze, feeling suddenly out of breath as you stared at the ceiling with wide eyes. The sound came from your room, there was no doubt about it. A memory of Bertolt trying to secretly make breakfast for you flashed into view, the sounds of pans clashing below waking you up. You should've questioned how he gotten in the house in the first place during the earlier stages of this thing of his, but you were far too hungry and tired to even notice until now.

In meticulous steps, you made your way to the staircase, trying to make sure you didn't step on the wrong board and alert the intruder of your presence. Hell, he might've already known since you unlocked the door. The hallway never felt longer than it was before as you approached the room, the moonlight shining down on you and the weapon held in your dominant hand. There was more creaking the more you came towards the door, your heart pounding in your chest in the rhythm of a thousand Abnormals sprinting towards their next delectable meal.

The door was slightly ajar, alarms ringing in your head. You never have left the doors in your room open in your life, especially when sleeping and even when you left the premises. Someone is in there and you know who it is. Taking in a deep breath, you leaned in gradually towards the crack in the door, trying to control the trembling in your hands as you peeked through.

The stench of blood first hit your nose, then the sight within nearly made you scream in horror. Bertolt was in your room, sitting on the middle edge of your bed, all bloodied from head-to-toe what you were able to tell from the street's lamps dully illuminating the surrounding room. Though that was stomach-churning in itself, the action he was performing on your bed made everything even more heinously depraved.

The bastard was fucking his fist with your panties wrapped around his cock, his pelvis erratically jutting into the tight hold he put around it. His lips were slightly parted, almost barely audible groans slipping out with every stroke. Even worse, you could hear just the cusp of your name with it, your own face growing warm.

You had to report this to General Magath, now. Burn your bed and used underwear once you got the chance to second on the list. Reiner failed, maybe even never went up to him, and now you had to take the drastic way out of this. He finally took things way too far; if not your underwear, it might’ve been you.

You took a step backwards, immediately paling as the floorboard behind you squeaked loudly under the weight. The movement from within your room paused abruptly, anxiety and dread crawling up your veins with every passing moment. The sound of the bed springs being relieved of any weight on them immediately alerted you that you needed to start running or hide until he leaves. It was too late, the door opening with a grinding, crackling noise.

"Welcome home, Y/N."

Bertolt lunged at you, instincts kicking in as you swung the knife, aiming for his throat. You knew it wouldn’t kill him, you’ve seen Mikasa do it years ago and he healed without any trace of the injury left, but it would give you enough time to get to Magath’s residence. At least, that’s what you tried to do, but he moved last minute, the blade only digging into the side of his face towards his mouth.

He was stunned by it at first, a nauseating feeling permeating within your stomach as you watched the skin and muscle separate as he opened his mouth, blood streaming down his jawline in thick streams. Then he started chuckling, pressing his hand against the wound roughly and almost pulling it apart. This was no time to stay shocked however. You took this final opportunity to run, carefully trying not to cut yourself as you made your way down the stairs.

"Y/N!!!" Oh god, oh god, oh god. You reached the entrance, turning the lock and pulling it open, the cold air of the night blasting in your face. Freedom was right there in your grasp — just right there — before a thickly drenched hand from behind grabbed ahold of you from the mouth and pulled you back inside.

You couldn’t scream as his bloodied palm held firmly down onto your mouth, tears streaming down your face as he lodged himself right between your legs. He was crazed, his pupils dilated with excitement as he stared down at your quivering form. You could the hardness straining against your uniform pants, a sob stuck in your throat. The inflicted wound on his face was obviously starting to heal, steam coming off of it.

"Good try, too bad you aren’t strong enough to even try to finish the job." He took the knife out of your hold, his blood still staining the edges. Bertolt neared it towards your throat, your body fighting back as it approached closer and closer.

"Hey, you’re gonna hurt yourself if you keep moving like that." He scolded, as if he wasn’t the one with the weapon, the cold blade right against your jugular. You froze on cue, taking in sharp breaths with your nose to try and not to panic even more.

"You weren’t meant to see me uh—" His face flushed pink, scratching his uninjured cheek with his pointer bashfully. This bitch was acting like he didn’t just break in your home, committed a perverse act on your bed, and about cut your throat open. Bertolt slightly adjusted himself, rubbing his still-hard cock against you. "But it was pretty exciting, how long were you watching? Did you get excited?"

You wanted to shake your head, only flinching as you felt him unbuckle the belt, nimble fingers unbuttoning and zipping down your pants. You had no choice but to feel him slip his dirtied hand into your underwear, his fingertips pressing against your hole. A proud smile grew on his face, a vast contrast to your horrified expression as the two of you made the same realization. You’re wet.

Bertolt pulled the knife away from your neck, short relief coming out of you in waves, but he didn’t drop it or throw it aside. No. He used it to tear your uniform shirt open, a muffled yelp escaping you as the cool air made contact with your bare skin.

"We’re going to have some fun together, okay?" You felt like throwing up in his hand, hoping that you’d asphyxiate from it. Your heart stopped as you realized that he was nearing the tip of the blade on your lower stomach, right below your belly button.

"Right after I carve my name into you."

305 notes · View notes

necrofage · 4 months ago

Text

♱ FEEL SOMETHING — JASON TODD X DICK GRAYSON

synopsis: jason is reminded of some things from his past that he'd rather forget and dick comforts him — reassures him that he cares and it's okay to lean on other people sometimes, but... well. his little wing has always been a stubborn one so dick takes it into his own hands to truly show jason how much he cares.

wc: 5.2k

ao3 link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/62134735

tags: mxm , pwp , top!dick bottom!jason but really they're both switches , jason focused , starts with angst mb , fwb relationship but they clearly have feelings for each other , slow n sensual or sumn , overstimulation but like feeling wise , oral , anal , no prep sex , unprotected sex , dick talks A LOT during sex like he seriously does not shut up , crying during sex? u bet , maybe a little bit of a praise kink if u squint real close

an: first post yippie but there was no proof read annnd it isn't my best work. we die like jason todd or whatever. though i will say i wrote this in like. i guess a similar situation to jason (don't ask why i projected onto him instead of dick like i usually do, idk either) like i felt like shit over some stuff but then. well. it went in a different direction. my bad for being traumatized and horny guys!

what was jason's problem? it was just a stupid movie. it shouldn't have gotten to him like this. it shouldn't have made him think of talia — of how she'd played him like a fiddle. he'd been a kid — a stupid, dumb kid who didn't know any better. hell, he'd just been brought back from the dead; disoriented, confused, unsure of who he even was. sure, the dip into the lazarus pit had fixed some of that, but it hadn't fixed his anger, his fear of abandonment, his need to belong somewhere. how was a kid like that supposed to know what was happening to him was wrong?

abruptly, jason got up from the couch and moved to the huge window of dick's studio apartment that has... honestly, a decent view of the city from the higher floor. he leaned on the artificial windowsill; some set of drawers that was gifted to the golden boy of gotham as a housewarming present by none other than bruce. jason rolled his eyes at even the thought of the estranged man, pressing his lips together tightly as he shook his head — right now isn't about bruce. that's an issue for another day. he looked out into the city, wiping at the stubborn moisture in his eyes. what the hell was wrong with him? he was over it! he'd been over it for a long time!

"i'm fine," he stated gruffly as he registered the fact that dick had paused the movie, not even giving the older man the chance to speak. "don't ask. just... don't talk to me right now." and dick frowned; concern etched on his face as he watched jason stare out the window. he could see the tension in jason's shoulders — the way his hands now clenched tightly at his sides. it always hurt dick to see jason like this, struggling with demons from his past that they all thought he'd put to rest.

with a weak sigh, dick stood up and walked over to jason, placing a relaxed hand on his shoulder. "hey," he said gingerly. "i won't ask anything, but you know i'm here for you, little wing, yeah?" jason tensed under dick's touch; his jaw clenching as he held his peeved gaze out the window. he didn't want to be touched right now — didn't want the comfort, the sympathy. he didn't deserve it. he just wanted— no. he deserved to be left alone to stew in his own misery. "yeah, well. maybe i don't need you to be here for me, dick," he snapped, heedlessly shrugging dick's hand off his shoulder. "maybe i can handle my own shit without you hovering over me like some kind of mother hen."

he then turned to face dick; his tear-filled eyes harsh and accusing. "you think you know everything about me, don't you? think you've got me all figured out just because we fuck sometimes, huh?" dick's eyes widened at jason's words before his expression softened. he knew well that jason lashed out at times, but he never would have expected the man to bring up something like their relationship in a hostile way. despite his shock, dick held his ground, not backing down from jason's strident words. he could tell that jason was on the verge of truly lashing out — on the verge of saying something that would really hurt dick before he would gather his things and storm out of the apartment until he would come climbing back through that vast window in a few days time; using that curt tongue as a shield against vulnerability.

"jason, no," dick said quietly, taking a step back to give the younger man some sort of space as his hand fell to his own side. "i don't know everything about you. i don't even know half of it anymore, but i do still care about you, more than you seem wiling to acknowledge." he sighed softly; his hand moving up to hesitate in the air as if he was holding himself back from touching jason again, which he was.

dick's voice dropped to a low grumble; a further hint of worry shining in his eyes. "i just wish you'd let me in, jaybird. let me help you carry some of that weight instead of shouldering it all alone, you know?" jason scoffed, rolling his eyes at dick's hopeless attempt at empathy. he crossed his arms over his chest, hunching his shoulders as he turned back to the window. the city lights twinkled mockingly outside, reflecting the cold, hard glare in his eyes.

"you think i haven't tried letting people in?" he scolded bitterly. "every damn time i have— every time i do, i end up getting humiliated. so yeah, i'd rather not go through that again." he hesitantly directed his focus back to dick, turning to face him again; his voice dropping to a low whisper, barely audible over the distant hum of the city outside. "it's safer this way. easier. don't make this harder than it has to be, dick." and yet even as he spoke the words, jason felt a pang of loneliness — a desperate longing for connection that he quickly suppressed.

dick's heart ached at the pain and resignation in jason's voice — he could tell the words were more to convince himself than to convince dick. he wanted to reach out — to pull jason close and promise that he would never hurt him, but he restrained himself, knowing better than to bombard jason with anything during times like this, even if it seemed it's what he wanted — what he needed. instead, dick took a deep breath and spoke amicably, calmly. "i understand, jason. but please know... you can't push me away completely. i'm not going anywhere no matter how hard you try to make me — we both know that."

he paused, considering his next words carefully. "if you ever feel ready to open up again, i'll be here. and if you're never ready, that's okay. i just... i want you to know that i'm here, jason." dick offered a small, encouraging smile, hoping to chip away at jason's defense — or at least just show that his words are genuine.

jason swallowed hard, quickly turning back to the window as he blinked rapidly to clear the sudden sting of tears from his eyes. he hated feeling weak, hated showing any kind of fragility. it made him feel exposed — raw, like an open wound, oozing with blood just waiting to be cleaned and picked apart. but there was something about dick's quiet persistence — his refusal to simply walk away when jason pushed him, that made the younger man's walls start to crumble. just a little bit. enough to let a sliver of hope shine through the cracks.

jason cleared his throat roughly, turning to face dick once more. his eyes were red-rimmed, yet almost completely dry; his expression guarded but not entirely closed off. "okay," he said gruffly; his voice cracking slightly on the first syllable. "i won't... i can't promise anything, but... i'll keep it in mind."

dick nodded attentively; relief washing over him at jason's words. it wasn't much, but it was a start. a tiny crack in the fortress jason had to build around himself. a glimmer of possibility. "that's all i'm asking for, jay," dick whispered, offering jason another small smile. "just remember you can come to me with anything. no pressure, no expectations."

he hesitated for a long moment before adding, "what do you say we get back to our movie? or if you'd rather do something else now?" dick kept his tone light, trying to steer them towards safer waters after the emotional turbulence of the last few minutes, and jason considered dick's question for a second, debating whether he wanted to continue that god-forsaken movie or not. in the end, he decided that distracting himself might be the best course of action right now. surely, he could continue watching the movie now that he's gotten the memories crashing through him out of his system, partially with dick's help.

the younger man shrugged one shoulder indifferently. "movie's fine. whatever." he took a deep breath, steeling himself before stepping past dick and striding back over to the couch, flopping down onto it heavily. jason grabbed the remote and unpaused the film, feigning intense interest in the flickering images on the television screen. inside, though, his mind was still churning with the ghosts of the past and the confusing swirl of emotions stirred up by his short conversation with dick.

it had been... well, jason wasn't sure how many years it had been anymore. his life has been a constant blur ever since he crawled out of the agonizing depths of the lazarus pit — his only clear memory being the moment he would honestly die for again just to forget. that night in the warehouse. that stupid fucking clown's laughter. the brutish blows of the crowbar against his skull. the hope that batman — that bruce — would be there to save him soon, and then the fear when he realized the man wasn't coming. the betrayal he felt in those last ten seconds; the ticking of the bomb counting them ominously before his entire world went black.

he couldn't even remember his time with talia, but it didn't matter — he remembered how he felt. he was cared for, maybe even loved in some twisted way, and oh, did he crave it — that feeling he hadn't experienced since his own mother died before bruce took him in. bruce had his own ways of caring, he'd come to realize. he understood the man better now that he himself had grown to be stoic, closed-off, unwavered by his emotions. but when he was a child; that lonely, troubled boy... he hated the man. and he hated dick. the golden boy. the first robin. the older boy didn't want anything to do with jason taking over his mantle, and really... jason couldn't blame him for that anymore. if bruce was hard on him, he could only imagine how it must have been for dick at times.

jason kept his gaze fixed firmly ahead, unwilling to meet dick's eyes as the older man settled back down beside him with a new distance between them that wasn't there before. dick, however, watched jason intently, noting the meticulous avoidance of eye contact. he understood to a degree — jason needed space to process whatever was going through his mind. dick would respect that boundary. for now.

as they resumed watching the movie, dick found his attention drifting between the screen and jason's profile. he studied the lines of tension in the younger man's form — the slight tremble of his hands that still gripped on tightly to the remote. despite jason's best efforts to appear detached — to appear unbothered, dick could sense the turmoil beneath the surface even if he wasn't entirely clued in on where it originated from this time.

feeling a surge of protectiveness and concern, dick reached out and smoothly brushed a strand of hair from jason's forehead. his touch was light, soothing — a silent reminder of his presence and support. jason's breath hitched at the unexpected touch; his skin tingling where dick's fingers just barely grazed his forehead. for a moment, he froze, caught off guard by the warmth of that simple gesture. then, with a shaky exhale, he relaxed into it, allowing himself to absorb the comforting sensation; the tension seeping out of his muscles with each passing second. he felt... safe with dick — sheltered from the storm constantly raging inside himself.

when dick's hand eventually fell away, jason didn't not notice, but he didn't reach for it back either, content to maintain their now comfortable silence. though he still avoided meeting dick's gaze, jason's posture eased; his shoulders dropping from their rigid slump. he was grateful for the understanding — for the gentle reminder that he wasn't alone in this struggle even if he hasn't accepted it yet.

dick noticed the subtle shift in jason's demeanor — the way his body language softened as he allowed himself to relax in dick's presence. a warm glow spread through dick's chest at the realization that his presence — his touch — had provided some measure of comfort and solace for the wounded man.

as the movie neared its late climax, dick found himself leaning closer to jason, drawn in by the younger man's quiet strength and resilience. he wanted to be there for jason — to offer a steady anchor amidst the turbulent tides of his emotions. when the credits finally began to roll, dick turned in his seat to face jason fully; his cobalt eyes searching the other's face. there was a depth of understanding and empathy in that gaze that spoke volumes about their bond — about dick's feelings for the stubborn man.

"hey," dick said faintly, reaching out to brush jason's cheek with a loosely curled fist. jason blinked slowly as the movie ended, momentarily disoriented as he emerged from the cocoon of the cinematic world that unwelcomingly dug up his own past within his mind. the gentle caress of dick's fingers against his cheek drew him fully back to the present, and he found himself leaning into the touch almost instinctively. he met dick's gaze then, really met it for the first time that night, and what he saw there made his breath catch in his throat. there was no pity, no judgement, only a profound understanding and acceptance that truly stole the air from his lungs.

at that moment, jason felt stripped bare, laid open before dick in a way that should have terrified him. instead, he felt a strange sense of peace wash over him, a certainty that he was exactly where he was meant to be. jason swallowed thickly; his voice rough with emotion, vulnerability as he whispered hoarsely, "yeah?"

dick's heart skipped a beat at the defenseless look in jason's eyes — the way the younger man seemed to trust him with his very essence. it was a precious gift, one that dick vowed to cherish and protect. "you've been through so much, jaybird," dick murmured; his voice subdued and tender. "and you're still standing, still fighting. that takes an incredible amount of strength and courage, you know."

he leaned in closer, until their faces were mere inches apart; his breath ghosting over jason's slightly parted lips. "i see you, jason todd. all of you. and i choose to stand by your side, no matter what." jason's pulse raced as dick's words washed over him, filling him with a warmth that had nothing to do with the physical proximity. he felt seen, truly seen, in a way that he rarely experienced — and it scared him, exhilarated him, made him feel alive in a way he thought he'd lost forever.

and then dick was closing the remaining distance between them, giving jason plenty of time to pull away before their lips collided in a kiss that was both delicate and passionate. jason's breath caught in his throat in the way it usually does when dick is around; his heart pounding wildly against his ribcage for a moment, he wondered if he should push the older man away — if he was ready for this level of intimacy; it feeling extremely different from their usual encounters. but then dick's lips were on his, and all coherent thought fled.

jason melted into the kiss; his own mouth moving tentatively against dick's as as he explored the familiar territory. and dick savored the sweet, addicting taste of jason, the softness of his mouth against his own. he deepened the kiss, exploring further as his tongue darted out to slowly, almost tenderly trace the shape of jason's lips.

his arms wrapped around the younger man's waist, pulling him close. he could feel the heat radiating off jason's body; the rapid thrumming of his heartbeat echoing his own. breaking away from the kiss, dick trailed hot, yet gentle kisses along jason's jawline and down the column of his neck; his hands roaming over jason's back, tracing the contours of his muscles.

dick was lost in the intoxicating scent of jason, the taste of his skin, the feel of his body pressed against his own. every nerve ending was ablaze with desire, every inch of him yearning for more — to show jason how much he truly cared for him.

jason gasped as dick's lips left his own — the sudden absence making him ache for more. he tilted his head to give dick better access; a needy whimper escaping him as he felt the first subtle nip of teeth on his sensitive skin. his hands came up to tangle in dick's hair, holding the other man close as he arched into the sensual assault.

the feel of dick's strong arms around him, his talented fingers roaming over his back, sent shivers racing down jason's spine. jason's own arousal was building rapidly; his cock stiffening against his thigh as dick's skilled mouth worked magic on his neck. when dick finally pulled back to meet his gaze, jason's eyes were glazed with lust; his cheeks reddened with a deep crimson.

the sight of jason, flushed and panting, eyes dark with desire, nearly undid dick right then and there. he'd seen the younger man look so beautiful, so utterly wrecked with want so many times before, but it never failed to leave him speechless. with trembling hands, dick reached for the hem of jason's shirt, tugging it upwards. jason lifted his arms obediently, eagerly — allowing dick to strip him bare from the waist up, which he did oh so carefully, tossing the garment to be forgotten on the floor.

dick took a moment to drink in the sight of jason's toned torso. the defined lines of his abdomen, the dusky nipples already pebbled with arousal. unable to resist, he leaned forward and laved over one nipple with his tongue, relishing the sharp intake of breath from above. his hands continued their exploration, mapping the planes and angles of jason's chest, tweaking a nipple between his fingers are he continued to suckle and nip at the other.

a strangled moan tore from jason's throat as dick's mouth fully closed around his nipple; the dual sensations of tongue and teeth sending bolts of pleasure straight to his groin. his hips writhed involuntarily, seeking friction as he silently cursed the layers of fabric separating them. jason's fingers tightened in dick's hair as the man lavished attention on his sensitive buds. each pull of dick's lips, each scrape of teeth against delicate flesh, stoking the flames of jason's desire higher and higher.

lost in the sensation, it took jason a moment to realize that dick had shifted his attention to the opposite nipple, leaving the first slick and aching. a low keen escaped him, half-pain, half-pleasure, as dick repeated the ministrations, alternating between soft, kitten licks and harder sucks. and oh, did dick revel in the sounds jason made — the desperate little moans and mewls that spoke of pure, unadulterated bliss.

dick could feel the other man's arousal, hard and insistent against his own, and it only fueled his desire — his hunger. dick released jason's nipple with a soft pop, trailing sloppy open-mouthed kisses down his sternum as he worked his way lower. he hooked his fingers into the waistband of jason's sweatpants, tugging them down along with his boxers in one swift motion.

jason's cock sprang free, thick and heavy; the tip already glistening with pre-cum. dick's mouth practically watered at the sight, and without hesitation, he guided jason to lie back on the couch as he shifted slightly away, giving himself enough space to lower his head and engulf the eager member in the warm embrace of his mouth.

jason cried out — a raw, guttural sound torn from the depths of his being, as dick's mouth enveloped him. the wet heat, the firm suction, the clever flick of that wicked tongue against the weeping slit of his cock — it was almost too much, too intense after the teasing touches and kisses. his hips bucked instinctively, driving himself deeper into dick's willing mouth. one hand still fisted tightly in dick's hair, anchoring himself, while the other scrabbled against the back of the couch, searching for purchase in a world that narrowed down to nothing but sensation.

jason's mind was blank; his thoughts scattered to the four winds as dick worked him over with lips and tongue and teeth. dick hummed around jason's cock; the vibrations adding another layer of pleasure to the already overwhelming sensations. he set a slow, almost teasing pace, bobbing his head deliberately to take jason as deep as he could; his nose brushing against against the wiry hairs at the base of the younger man's shaft.

one hand slid up jason's thigh, finding the sensitive spot where the leg met groin and applying a gentle pressure — his thumb circling the muscle in an attempt to coax forth more of that delicious pre-cum. dick's own arousal throbbed in time with jason's; his cock straining against the confines of his jeans. he knew he wouldn't last much longer, not with jason's flavor exploding on his tongue and the desperation in the other man's movements and noises.

jason's world soon shattered into a million pieces; his orgasm crashing over him like a tidal wave. he shouted dick's name — a benediction and a plea all in one, as his release pooled into the older man's mouth and down his throat. the intensity of it stole his breath; left him gasping and shuddering through the aftershocks. dimly, he registered dick releasing his softening cock, gentling him through the final tremors with soft licks and kisses along his shaft, his thighs, his abdomen.

it seemed an eternity before jason could catch his breath, before his heart rate slowed to something resembling normal. when he finally opened his eyes — when did he even close them? — it was to find dick watching him with a mix of satisfaction and barely restrained hunger. jason managed a weak smile, reaching to cup dick's cheek with a trembling hand; his voice wavering as he whispered. "dick, i..."

dick only chuckled in response; the sound low and husky as he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. the hand fell shortly after, moving to mirror the other one delicately cradling jason's hip as he leaned back in, pressing a kiss to jason's knee. jason watched the man intently; a glimpse of fragility in his eyes as dick's lips leisurely trailed up his body.

jason's pulse quickened under dick's touch; his body responding eagerly to each unhurried press of those firm lips. once dick reached jason's lips, one hand moved to cup jason's cheek, tilting his face up gently for a searing kiss that left no doubt about his own desires. though, dick soon broke the kiss; a soft whimper escaping jason as his tongue immediately darted out to lick his own lips, tasting the faint remnant of dick's mixed with his own load. dick smiled as he watched the sight before murmuring against jason's lips, "tell me what you want, little wing."

jason wanted to say something profound, something poetic about the depth of his longing, but all that came out was a hoarse whisper, "i want you inside me." the words felt raw, exposed, but they were true. more than anything, jason craved the feeling of dick's cock stretching him, filling him, claiming him in the most intimate way possible.

jason spread his legs wider, baring himself completely to dick's gaze, and reached for the older man's clothed bulge with slender fingers. those fingers squeezed lightly around the hot, ridged length hidden away, rubbing it slowly as dick groaned at the feeling; the touch both very welcome and maddeningly insufficient. "please, dickie..." the need in jason's voice sent a jolt of lust straight to dick's cock; it twitching nicely in jason's hand. then, in one fluid motion, dick rose to his feet and shed his clothes with a purposeful slowness. as each article fell away, dick revealed more of his own toned physique — the muscles rippling beneath his skin as he moved.

by the time he stood completely naked before jason — his cock jutting proudly from a thatch of dark hair — the younger man was staring with rapt attention. dick prowled closer, closing the distance between them until he loomed over jason's seated form. his hands moved with purpose, grabbing a firm hold on jason's knees to shift his position on the couch, making him sit in the proper position.

dick dropped to his knees on the floor and pushed jason's thighs apart further, settling between them. his hands gradually moved to jason's hips, grabbing onto them with a firm hold before pulling him to the edge of the cushion so that their bodies aligned perfectly. dick quickly positioned himself at jason's entrance — the blunt head of his cock nudging against the tight ring of muscle.

he locked eyes with jason, holding his gaze as he slowly began to push forward, breaching that initial resistance and sinking into the welcoming heat inch by excruciating inch. jason arched off the couch; his back bowing as dick's thick cock forced its way into him. the stretch was exquisite — a delicious burn that already had him seeing stars. he bit his lip hard enough to draw blood, focusing on the pain to anchor himself against the overwhelming pleasure.

once dick was fully seated into him and stilled, jason exhaled shakily; his chest heaving against the older man's as he leaned forward to hold him close; his hands finding purchase on the first part of dick's body they could find — his biceps. the feeling of being so thoroughly filled, claimed, possessed — it was indescribable. it was as if every cell in his body sang in harmony with dick's presence inside him. "oh, god," jason breathed; his hands moving up to rest on dick's shoulders, nails digging in sharply. "you feel... haaah... so good..." he rocked his hips experimentally with a drawn-out moan, savoring the friction, the subtle glide of dick's cock within him.

dick's grip on jason's hips tightened; fingers digging into the flesh as he fought to maintain control. the sensation of jason's inner walls clenching around him, the way the younger man's body yielded to his invasion, was almost too much to bear. "fuck, jaybird," dick growled; his voice strained slightly with effort. "you're so tight, so perfect... always so perfect..."

he began to move then, withdrawing until only the tip of his cock remained inside jason before surging back in, setting a slow, steady rhythm. with each thrust, dick angled his hips to hit that sweet spot deep within jason, determined to provided the younger man some sort of relief with his slow pace.

and jason's head thrashed from side to side against the plush couch; his vision blurring as tears welled up in his eyes. the couch creaked ominously beneath them, but jason was lost to everything except the incredible sensation of being fucked — of being loved, cared for — so thoroughly, so... passionately. jason's legs wrapped around dick's body; ankles locking at the small of his back as jason tried to pull him impossibly deeper, and that told dick that the tears in jason's eyes were good. still, though, dick reached up with one hand; the other gripping tighter at jason's hip to gain back some of the leverage, as he cupped jason's cheek, gently wiping those tears away with his thumb.

dick leaned forward, planting a string of soft pecks to jason's lips, whispering between each one. "so good, baby," kiss, "you're doing so, so good for me," kiss, "feels so good," kiss, "love you, jason," kiss, "i love you so much," kiss, "my little wing," kiss, "my beautiful, strong boy," and even though dick had wiped jason's eyes free of tears, they were flowing steadily from the emotional onslaught. dick had always — always — made him feel like he was the entire world, but this... this felt different, deeper, like this was more than their usual fuck, which it was — and even though that terrified jason, he never felt better. never felt more important, more loved — genuinely loved.

one hand slid between their straining bodies, finding jason's renewed weeping erection and wrapping around it firmly. dick stroked the man in time with his thrusts; the dual stimulation designed to push jason over the precipice as dick continued to whisper sweet nothings against his lips. the additional stimulation proved to be the final straw for jason despite the slowness of it all. with a ragged cry, he came violently; his cock pulsing in dick's grasp as waves of intense pleasure crashed over him once more.

his body trembled underneath dick; his brain nothing but an emotional, love-drunk mess as he continued to sob. his inner walls clenched around dick's throbbing shaft, milking it for all it was worth as he rode out the forceful aftershocks. through it all, dick continued to pound into him; the touch on jason's cock gentling as he drew out jason's climax until the younger man was a quivering, spent mess. only then did dick allow himself to surrender; his own orgasm hitting him like a freight train as he buried himself to the hilt and stilled — his cock erupting deep within jason.

they soon collapsed together, panting and slick with sweat — jason's body still fluttering around dick's softening cock. as the haze of pleasure cleared, dick became even more aware of jason's trembling form, the way the younger man's body still clung to his with a desperate intensity. a surge of protectiveness washed over him for what could have been the fiftieth time that night, mingling with the lingering afterglow of their passion.

carefully, dick withdrew from jason's well-loved hole, watching intently as a trickle of cum followed his cock out. he slowly moved, taking his original seat on the couch before gathering jason into his arms, cradling him close in his lap as he pressed tender kisses to the top of his head. "you okay, jace?" he murmured; his voice rough with exertion and concern.

he held jason securely, reluctant to let go, savoring the warmth of their entwined bodies and the knowledge that he'd given the other man such an intense experience. jason nestled into dick's embrace; his cheeks resting against the older man's chest as he listened to the soothing beat of his heart. for a while, he simply savored the closeness, the comforting weight of dick's arms around him, the gentle rise and fall of his breaths.

'i'm more than okay,' jason thoughts; a small smile tugging at his lips. 'i'm exactly where i'm meant to be.' after a moment though, he lifted his head, meeting dick's gaze with his own misty eyes. "i'm good," he assured softly, reaching up to cup dick's face in his palms. "better than good, actually. thanks to you." jason leaned in, capturing dick's mouth in a slow, sweet kiss, pouring all his gratitude and affection into the tender press of lips before he settled his head back against dick's chest.

jason isn't sure when he fell asleep, but as he barely comes to, he's sure that he's safe — that he's loved — with the way he's gently placed into dick's bed, the way he's carefully tucked into the warm comforter, the way those strong arms soon snake around his waist and pull him close. maybe... just maybe it won't be so bad if he let dick in past the walls he built.

#♱ necrofage #♱ necrosmut #♱ necrangst #♱ necroships #♱ necromxm #smut #angst #ship fic #mxm #jason todd x dick grayson #jason todd #dick grayson #dc comics #dcu

7 notes · View notes

kingsofeverything · 7 years ago

Text

Annual Writing Self-Evaluation

*All answers should be about works published in 2017.

1. List of works published this year:

In the order that they were posted

Fall At My Door

Collide

Mercedes Boy

The Oldest Magic Word

With a Word (part 2 of FAMD)

Possessing All of Me (part 2 of MB)

It Had To Be You

One of Many

Stranded in a Dream

How Fast You Fall

Soft Wings

Has The Ocean Lost Its Way

Splish Splash

Don’t Want Shelter

Wasted Like A Memory (part 2 of DWS)

Just Around the Corner

Find You Home

Sweating ’Til My Clothes Come Off

Number 84

Let Me In (part 3 of DWS)

Admission

Intention

Resolution

2. Work you are most proud of (and why):

Don’t Want Shelter, definitely. The idea for it came to me over a year ago, and that was basically exes to lovers stuck in a hurricane together. I tried to write it earlier in the year and scrapped it. It was a completely different story and they were actually exes, but it just wasn’t working. RIP those 10k words. But I set out to write something with more emotion and I wanted to write something different and I feel like I succeeded. I’m very emotionally attached to their characters in DWS too. It’s been hard to get my head out of that universe.

I’m putting the rest under a cut because this got really long.

3. Work you are least proud of (and why):

Soft Wings. It was soooo hard to write at that time. I was just struggling to write anything at all and every single word of that fic was a giant pain in my ass. It was a bday gift and I actually decided not to do gift fics anymore because of how hard it was to write. The last gift fic I wrote was DWS and it was like 2 months late-- sorry about that @justafatbirdonaboat <3

4. A favorite excerpt of your writing:

So, this was actually difficult and I would rather include the sex scene I mention below in question 7, but it’s long and... it’s smut and I feel like dropping it in here with nothing leading up to it or after it takes a lot away from it. This is from DWS:

If he keeps himself busy enough, which he’s fairly successful with, he doesn’t have time to think about Harry and how once again he practically laid himself bare for absolutely no reason. It’ll fade, he knows that, but at the same time he doesn’t want it to. It’s how he finds himself going out of his way to some specialty store to find Harry’s organic cinnamon toothpaste. It’s why he bought some fancy vanilla candle for his bedroom. He’s fighting with himself over trying to forget and wanting to remember, because he knows that eventually it’ll be gone no matter what he wants. The toothpaste will be empty and the candle will burn down, and it’ll all become a distant memory.

5. Share or describe a favorite comment you received:

i got a super long and detailed comment on FAMD from one of my favorite drarry authors and bloggers that came at the perfect time when i was feeling really shitty about writing and also life in general. it was such a surreal thing for me because i was reading the comment and it was just super lovely and the whole time i was reading it i was like OMFG and fangirling lol

all of the comments on DWS from people who read it as a WIP. they were like some sort of super fuel for me. and it was... idk a special thing for me. i’ve never done a WIP before and idk if I ever will again. it just worked out with that fic because of the chapters and betaing etc. but every time i posted a chapter and people would comment on it, it was just... idk it meant a lot that anyone would follow along, i guess.

6. A time when writing was really, really hard:

Writing Soft Wings, so late May, and then again after I posted DWS, I struggled with Sweating ’Til My Clothes come off. That was Reason #14 and literally NO ONE wanted to write that prompt, so I took it. Mainly though, my struggles have been with fics that either I’ve abandoned (the old version of DWS) or my unfinished sci fic au.

7. A scene or character you wrote that surprised you:

i feel like everything i write surprises me. i’m constantly shocked that i write anything at all. i think that most of dws was surprising to me. i had a vague idea of what i wanted their personalities to be like, but the way they ended up was so much better than i thought they’d be. I MEAN, i legit thought that the entire fic would take place over 3 days and would end when the storm ended! and then the storm ended and i was like... wtf i’m not anywhere near finished with this. and then a scene specifically, umm... there’s a sex scene in ch 7 of dws that ended up being wayyyyyyyyyyy more emotional for me to write and it still makes me sad to read it. and i’m like 99.999999% sure if you’ve read that fic, you know what i’m talking about. i wrote that and immediately was messaging nic like “i’ve made myself sad with smut! what is wrong with me?”

8. How did you grow as a writer this year:

i’m much less messy, though i’m still messy. i think i was easier on my beta this year. less cliche (unless i’m cliche on purpose) and better at getting the emotions across? I DON’T KNOW @louandhazaf is better at this stuff. she answered a different question about this earlier in the year actually.

wait. also. i think i’m better at conceptualizing a story BEFORE i start writing. i still suck at it, but not as badly as last year.

9. How do you hope to grow next year:

i’d like to write another long fic. i’d like to get better at developing secondary characters. i’d like to write more emotion into my fics. i’d love to be better at outlining and planning fics, but idk if that’s who i am lol

tbh i’d like to be better at the part of writing that, up until this point, and to a certain point, come naturally to me. i don’t think about my character’s motivations or what they’re separate stories are or backgrounds and shit like that until i’m writing and sometimes i do it and don’t realize i’m doing it? i guess? I DON’T KNOW. coming from a math background and never having written or even taken a creative writing class or anything like that, like... some of the most important aspects of writing, i have no clue about them. at least that’s how i feel. a lot of what i do is just................. like me flying by the seat of my pants.

10. Who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer or beta or cheerleader or muse etc etc):

this is my answer from last year and i’m just going to leave it because it’s still true.

NIC @louandhazaf my friend and forever beta. one day we’re going to take over the world. just depends which one of us is in charge of the brain that day as to whether it’s for good or evil.

however, i’ll add to this a bit. nic is the best cheerleader and beta and all of that. bouncing ideas around with her is always fun and always productive. we laughed so hard when we were talking about ideas for DWS. like... i think we both laughed so hard we cried.

having writer friends -- so all of you -- has been such a positive thing for me. knowing that we all sort of go through the same shit makes it easier when it’s my own lol.

specifically, i’ll say that @phd-mama influenced me with her fic ‘feels like coming home’ because i read that fic and when i finished i decided that i needed to write something with more emotion behind it, something with a really great (though not necessarily good) back story. the history between her characters in that fic..... idk a lot of it hit home for me. and because of that fic, i wrote DWS. so, thanks <3

11. Anything from your real life show up in your writing this year:

ummmm... yes. let’s just say.......... yes.

12. Any new wisdom you can share with other writers:

yes! write what makes you happy, even if that means writing something sad and depressing. but also try to challenge yourself to write things you’re not used to or things you haven’t done before. also, just write. you can edit later. put words down.

13. Any projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year:

my near misses fic, which is what i’ll call it until i title it, that i am super excited about (this one just came to me yesterday)

moodboard fic - it’s anon, so i can’t say anything other than that. i started it, but i think i’m going to start over.

2 time stamps for ‘don’t want shelter’. one that takes place the summer they’re 13, and one that takes place between chapters 8 & 9, but before ‘let me in’

my sci fi au - it’s been kicking my ass for most of this year

i have a fic idea where they go from friends to lovers, but it’s a long long road to get there. idk if i’ll get to it. it would be loooong.

i want to do a valentines fic but idk if i’ll have time. i’d like my near misses fic to be for valentines, but that’s a lot of pressure on me and then on my beta.

28 proposals with jess @someonethatsfunny and if we want to do it for an advent fic for next year, i need to at least write a proposal per month.

i want to do the new relationship travel the world fic with nic @louandhazaf that we’ve talked about co-writing, but we both have so much going on.........

oh and the tiny penis fic series. which is 5 short fics that are not connected, but one of them has a tiny penis in each fic (it switches around and also maybe they both do in one fic)

14. Tag three writers/artists whose answers you’d like to read. ;)

I would like to tag all of my writer friends, sooo you’re all tagged. Also, this is more than 3, but idc

@dinosaursmate @allwaswell16 @letsjustsee @gaycousinlarry @goodmorningtoyouuniverse @assisreal (writing or art, saori! or both!) @prettytruthsandlies @someonethatsfunny @phd-mama ok i’ll stop tagging so that y’all will have people you can tag lol

#*#2017 writing self-evaluation

22 notes · View notes