#mayos fucking gross whats wrong with you

[fingertipsmp3]

I wish all food service workers who are weird about regulars always ordering the same specific thing and tease them for it a very “please don’t do that”

[cameronspecial]

At Her Beck And Call

Pairing: Rafe Cameron x Reader

Warnings: Swearing and Assault

Pronouns: She/Her

Word Count: 0.8K

Summary: Rafe may be out doing business, but he is never too busy for Y/N.

Masterlist

Everyone in the Outer Banks knows about Rafe’s explosive personality, especially towards the Pogues. The only person who is never at the wrong end of his anger is Y/N. He would never dare risk losing her by unleashing his anger on her. At the moment, she is safely at home, resting with their darling baby girl growing inside of her stomach. He is finishing up collecting the money from people who owe him from his drug dealer days. When he started dating Y/N, he stopped dealing less often; however, with a baby on the way, Rafe is ready to hang up the towel completely. Therefore, it is time for him to gather all the debts obligated to him. He finally tracks down the last person, Tanner Barrois. The Pogue is hiding out at a friend’s house but for enough money, anyone can betray their friend. Rafe bangs on the door as loud as he can and steps away from it. “What the fuck do you wan-” Tanner complains as he opens the door. Rafe gives him a wicked grin, “I want my fucking money, Asshole.” Tanner backs up into the house with his hands in the air. “I don’t have your money, but I can get it to you. I-I just need a few weeks,” he offers. Rafe shakes his head, “No, I already gave you three months. So where is my money?”

“I don’t have it!” 

Rafe grips the front of Tanner’s shirt and slams him against the wall. His arm cocks, rushing towards Tanner’s nose at a fast pace. The room is silent, except for the sounds of Rafe’s fist hitting Tanner, until “Perfect” by Ed Sheeran begins to play out of nowhere. Something vibrating accompanies the song. Rafe keeps Tanner against the wall with one hand, while his other hand goes into his pocket for his phone. He brings it to his ear with a soft smile, “Hi, Dumpling. How are you and little dumpling doing?” “I’m hungry, Rafey,” the pregnant woman whines with her hands on her perturbing stomach. He chuckles, “And what can I pick up for you on my way home, Dumpling?” “I want Trader Joe’s French Vanilla ice cream, soya sauce, pickles and mayo please,” she pleads into the phone. He grimaces, “Please, tell me you aren’t going to eat all of those together.” “I don’t know yet. I guess you’ll have to find out when you get here,” she teases, knowing he gets grossed out by her weird pregnancy cravings. He sighs, “I guess I will. I’ll get those for you once I’m finished with my business. Okay? I love you.” “Thank you. I love you too. Bye,” she hangs up without another word. 

The phone gets slipped back into his pocket and his attention returns to Tanner. “Now, where were we?” He punches Tanner again, shaking his hand out to try to rid himself of the blood. “I’m going to ask you again. Where is my money?” Rafe growls. Tanner whimpers, “I can get it to you by next week.” Tanner receives another blow to the head. “Not the answer I was looking for. So let’s try this once more,” Rafe warns, but he is again interrupted by the chime of his phone. “Is everything okay, Dumpling?” he worries into the speaker.

“It needs to be the tiny pickles. I don’t want the large ones. I don’t want the zig-zag cut ones or the straight-cut ones. I want the tiny ones. Okay?”

“Yes, I know, Dumpling. I promise they will be the tiniest ones I can find.” 

“Good, thank you. I love you.”

“I love you too, Dumpling. Goodbye.”

Tanner’s face is in a bloody smirk. “What the fuck are you smiling at?” Rafe questions, digging his forearm into the Pogue's neck. Tanner gasps out, “You are so whipped for her.” Rafe’s eyebrows cave in and he strikes Tanner’s stomach. “Be careful what you say next, Motherfucker,” Rafe alerts. Tanner appears to have a death wish as he says the next sentence, “That bitch has your balls in a death grip and it’s pathetic.” His phone rings once more before he can reply. “Dumpling, you are really making me concerned about you,” he sighs into the phone. She pouts, “I’m sorry. I just wanted something to drink too.” “It’s okay, Dumpling. I want you to stay hydrated. So what can I get you?” he inquires. “Iced tea, please. And I promise this will be the last time I’m going to call. I’m going to take a nap while I wait for you to come home.”

“Iced tea, coming right up. Enjoy your nap, Dumpling. I’ll see you when I get home. I love you.”

“I love you so much, Rafey. Thank you. I can’t wait for you to come home. Muah.”

The line goes dead and he can’t help but put his phone away with a massive grin on his face. He weakens his hold on Tanner, “You better be thanking the lord that I am whipped for my girl because it is the only reason I am giving you another day to get the money. Don’t try to run because I will find you and your punishment will be so much worse than you can imagine. Now, if you would excuse me, I have to go to Trader’s Joe.”

Taglist: @winterrrnight @loves0phelia @thelomlisrafecameron @wickedlovely121 @thepatriarchykeychain @drewsmusee @starkowswife @maybankslover @forstarkey @loving-and-dreaming

[zepskies]

Code Red

Pairing: Boaz Priestly x Female Reader

Summary: When you call him for help, Priestly realizes that he finally has the relationship of his dreams.

AN: So I didn’t think I’d ever write for this character, but it was prompted by a lovely anon and encouraged by my friend @thatonewriter15! I hope you enjoy. ❤️ 

Song Inspo: “Perfect” by Ed Sheeran. “I’ve found a love…”

Word Count: 1,500 Tags/Warnings: Period talk, suggestiveness, mega fluff

He was in the zone.

Four six-inch double buffalo chicken clubs with banana peppers on whole wheat bread (gross, but he wasn’t the one eating ‘em), two spicy Italians, and a tuna on rye.

Priestly wrapped them up with practiced precision and slid them down the line to Piper, Mission Impossible-style. She smiled at his antics and took them and brought them over to Tish at the register.

Priestly had another turkey and provolone on his docket, hold the mayo, when his cell buzzed in his pocket. Today he actually did have pockets. As in, he was wearing joggers, boots, and a graphic tee that said: NO TEQUILA, NO ENTRY.

He swiveled his phone in his hand like a drummer with a drumstick. He smiled when he saw your name flashing across the screen, and he answered it.

“Hey, Beautiful. What’s up?” he asked.

“Boaz, I need you,” you said. To his ears, your voice was sultry, and a bit strained.

He perked up with raised eyebrows.

“What’s holding up the turkey and cheese?” Piper asked.

Boaz held up a finger to the blonde and tucked the phone between his ear and shoulder. His hands busied themselves with the next sandwich order, but he was all too attentive to your every word.

“Oh yeah?” he replied to you. His smile deepened. “Well, that’s convenient. Because I’m craving some of you, baby.”

You gave a breathy chuckle. “Normally I’d take you up on that, but no. I need you. As in, I really need you to do something for me.”

Priestly arched a brow. His brain was already filling up with ideas of how he could best help you. He mentally took an inventory of the “tools” in your nightstand drawer, and which ones he could best use to his advantage when he—

“Uhh, well, I got about one more hour in my shift,” he said, lowering his voice, even as it deepened a notch. “But if Jen covers me, I can be outta here in half the time.”

“Oh my God, good,” you gasped. “I’m in so much fucking pain, you have no idea.” 

Priestly blinked, and any thoughts of kinky fun times came to a screeching halt. Concern took over when he realized that the strain in your voice wasn’t from the sexy kind of need.

“What’s wrong?” he asked quickly.

“I’m out of Midol, my uterus is rioting like it’s a Vietnam War protest, and…oh yeah, I need more tampons too,” you said. “But I legitimately cannot move from this couch.”

Priestly couldn’t help but smile in amusement.

“Ech, I hear ya. Are we in a Code Green, Code Yellow, or Code Red situation?”

Jen glanced over at him from where she was mopping the floor, and she gave him a questioning look.

What’s wrong? she mouthed.

“Code Red, definitely,” you answered with a sigh.

Priestly grimaced in sympathy. He mouthed back to Jen, Code Red.

She nodded in female understanding, and raised a hand that said, Say no more.

“Okay, yeah,” Priestly replied to you. “Don’t worry, I got you.”

You released a sigh of relief. “And if you want to throw in a Snickers, I wouldn’t hate it.”

He chuckled at that one.

“You got it,” he said. “I’ll be home in T minus an hour, give or take.”

You groaned. “Can’t you just steal a DeLorean or something?”

“You know, I could, but that would mean I’d be going back further into the past before you even needed to call me, and I’d still probably be making sandwiches since I’ve been working here since damn near 2000 B.C. But you know what, they should really call that movie Back to the Present, since they don’t actually go to the future until—”

“Okay,” you had to laugh, even though it was edged with discomfort. “I’ll see you later.”

At the supermarket, after his shift at Beach City Grill, Priestly had most of the supplies he needed for a successful mission. All he was missing was his old enemy on Aisle 2.

Once again, he faced a wall of tampons. All bright colored boxes and numbers and sizes…

Okay, not Code Green, so not the slender ones that might as well be match sticks. Not Yellow, so no to Regular…ah! Here we are. Super Plus.

AKA: Code Red. Complete with leak guard, no latex. He grabbed the blue box and threw it into his basket of essentials, including no less than three assorted chocolate bars and a pint of Ben & Jerrys. He knew his girl, and you liked your Half-Baked ice cream with chocolate chip cookie dough and brownie pieces.  

He brought over his haul to the checkout line. Sure enough, Gerry, one of the locals, was finally old enough to buy a case of beer by himself. He glanced at the blue box Priestly was taking out onto the conveyor belt and smirked.

“No slender regulars this time?” Gerry remarked.

Priestly’s smile was tight. “No, Gerald. Slenders are for pussies.”

“Literally,” the blonde beanpole snorted. “What, your girlfriend got a heavy flow this month?”

Priestly rolled his eyes, and his mouth pressed in a line. The word flow still kind of grated on him like nails on a chalkboard, but what irked him more was this guy imagining any part of your intimate parts.

“All right, my girl’s flow is none of your business,” he said. “Once you hit puberty and grow your first pubes, you’ll understand.”

Gerry floundered while Priestly continued on to make his purchases. Even the cashier was smiling, trying not to laugh as he silently gave Priestly his props for a burn well made. Priestly shot the guy a nod and a smile before he left with his spoils.

“Honey, I’m hoooome,” Priestly sing-songed.

He stepped through the door with his keys still jangling in his hand. He was trying to balance the big bag of groceries while closing the door to the apartment he shared with you.

Your head perked up from the living room couch, and your hand slowly curled up, beckoning him over. Priestly obliged you. He peered over the side of the couch and smiled at the way you were all curled up under a throw blanket, already in your pajamas, while FRIENDS reruns played on the TV.

“Finally,” you said with a tired smile. But not the kind of finally that just meant you were impatient for the goods he carried. The kind of finally that also meant you were happy to see him.

He laid a comforting hand on your head, leaned down, and pressed a kiss above your brow. You held him there by the collar of his shirt, prompting him to kiss you for real. Your hand moved up his tattooed neck and your nails gave the back of his head a little scratch, careful not to disrupt the blue mohawk.

He reluctantly pulled away from your lips, just enough to try and gauge how you were feeling.

“How’re you holdin’ up?” he asked.

“Like a beach umbrella in a hurricane,” you replied wryly. “You got the stuff?”

Priestly held the grocery bag tucked under his arm like it was a drug deal.

“Oh, I got the stuff, if you got the money,” he said.

You nodded, and your small smile turned mischievous. “I got your money, Big Man.”

With your hand delicately hooked behind his neck and the other gliding up his arm, he didn’t realize he was falling into a trap.

You tugged his arm hard enough to try and get him to fall over the back of the couch.

“Hey!” he yelped. Yet he also laughed while you tried your best to pull him overboard.

He had to toss the bag of groceries to the floor next to you, but he managed to get over and onto the couch without crushing you. He probably smelled like old sandwich and mayonnaise, but you didn’t seem to care. 

You just helped him settle in behind you, with your back to his chest. This was the only way you’d find comfort for your lower back. It had been aching since you woke up this morning.

You grabbed his closest hand and guided it under your overlarge sleep shirt, then under the waistband of your panties. You laid his warm hand flat against your cramping lower belly.

Priestly pressed a kiss behind your ear and tucked his arm underneath your head. He felt the rise and fall of your sigh as you leaned back against him, and his smile softened.

“You’re gonna fall asleep without digging into your treasure trove,” he teased. “I even got your favorite ice cream.”

You glanced at him over your shoulder in interest.

“Half-Baked?” you asked.

“Yep, for extra brownie points. Eh? See what I did there?”

Your body shook with a quiet laugh. You reached your hand back to touch his bearded cheek this time. Your fingers toyed with his many earrings.

“Did you know that you’re my favorite human?” you said. “Like, ever?”

He smiled against your neck. “Could’a sworn I was your third favorite, behind Ben and Jerry.”

“Nope, just you,” you said, snuggling back further into his warmth. “Thank you, baby.”

Priestly realized then that he’d found it.

He’d really, honest to God found the life he didn’t think he’d get, with a woman who didn’t want him to change; who just wanted him to be here.

Though he smirked when you reached for the bag and dug out the pint of Ben & Jerry’s.

“That’s what I thought,” he said.

You giggled. “Shut up.”

AN: Priestly was such a fun character lol. I rewatched 10 Inch Hero this past week and this was the first thing I thought to write! If you liked this, let me know! (And if you want more Priestly.) 😘

Read the Prequel!

If you liked Code Red, read the start of their story:

▶️ The Miracle Man

Priestly Masterlist

Main Masterlist

Tag List:

(Lovelies from my "Everything" tag list. If you want to be tagged on Priestly stuff specifically, check out the Tag List link in my bio.)

@kazsrm67 @letheatheodore @agothwithheavysetmakeup @jacklesbrainworms @foxyjwls007 @wincastifer @ades106 @iamsapphine @simpforbuckyb @vanillawhiskeyflavoredkisses @roseblue373 @brianochka @branj19 @hazel-eye-coffee-shop-girl-blog

@globetrotter28 @charmed-asylum @waywardxwords @deanwinchestersgirl87 @this-is-me19 @rachiem4-blog @sweettimelady @leigh70 @clinicallydepresso @emily-winchester @xiphoidbones @skoveu @nyotamalfoy @kmc1989

[fangirlstorycreator]

Max Parish X Reader

Context: Max is up to his old games again, pranking you whenever he gets a chance. So now, it's your turn...😂💚

Max had really been pushing his luck recently, his pranks had been constant and everyone in the station was at the end of their tether. So now, you wanted to get some well deserved payback. You had planned many ideas for Max, and now you were on your way to work to set the ideas into play. You waited for Max to arrive at work, and once he did, you popped outside and did the first part of your idea, involving his car. Then just as you were about to come back inside, you grabbed a box of donuts from your car, that you had tampered with, hopefully it will give Max a big surprise.

You put the box of donuts on the table, and made sure the rest of the staff knew what they were so they didnt eat them. Half an hour later, Max walks back into the room and notices the box of donuts. "Awesome! I love donuts" He says as he reaches for one. He smiles happily as he takes a big bite, but as soon as he tastes it, his eyes go wide in shock, and he spits out the donut into the bin by the desk, coughing and spluttering. "What the fuck was that!? God damn it that's gross!" You giggle behind your hands at the sight of him completely disgusted. "Naww what's wrong babe? Dont you like your mayo donuts?"

"No I dont like- wait? Did you just say mayo?! As in mayonnaise?!" You just burst into laughter as he finaly realized what they were. "Oh babes I cannot belive you just did that to me?!" "Oh really? You cant belive it? Weren't you the one who made candy apples the other week, but replaced the apple with an onion?" "Well yeh, but-" "And who was the one who replaced the cream from the oreo biscuits with toothpaste?" "Alright yes that was me too...fine you win, you got me back" Smiling happily at him, you grab the donuts and threw them in the bin.

"Right, now I will grab us a coffee to take with us" "Alright. You know, even though your my girlfriend and we prank eachother, you know I will always be the one who has the best prank ideas" You just smirk at him before kissing his cheek and heading to the break room. You grab the coffees and head out to the car park with Max, your car is parked infront of his, so he doesn't see his car at first. And when you sit down in your front seat, that's when he sees what you have done.

"Uhhhhhh are you f#cking kidding me?" "Oh no? What happens to your car babe?" "Oh dont play the innocent victim act with me! You have completely wrapped up my car in clingfilm! How the hell- how am I suposed to get in my car?!" "Oooh do you know what? I dont know but I'm sure your going to have fun finding out" That was the last thing you say to him, as you drive off in your car, laughing as he is stuck there. "I love her, but god damn it! If that's how she wants to play, let's play....."

[shaunamilfman]

NO BUTTER NO KETTLE????

i don’t like butter in sandwiches cuz i don’t like most butters but???? MAYO INSTEAD?? mayo fucking sucks bro i think they add butter mostly so it isn’t dry as fuck🤔

AND MICROWAVE TO HEAT UP WATER😧 i’m flabbergasted

-🦈

i knew the kettle would piss you off lmao. idk what I'd even use a kettle for i like my drinks cold. what's wrong with the microwave?? it's hot water it tastes the same.

i don't put mayo on anything it's gross. honestly I put mustard and hot sauce on mine 🤷. makes sense about the butter though.

[sincerelyella]

Panty Hawk

Book: The Royal Romance (AU)

Pairings: Liam x MC (Ella)

Characters belong to Pixelberry; Ella Brooks Rys belongs to me.

A/N: Hello everyone! I was on a writing hiatus for a bit, school’s been hectic so I’m sorry if I have been lagging on my reading and writing - I miss ya’ll! So, this little one-shot was inspired by one of my favorite shows New Girl. I’m probably the only one who’ll find this funny LOL Their banter cracks me up and I just had to write something, hope you enjoy it!

Warnings: Adult language, sexual innuendos

Words: 1259

Leo, Drake, Liam, and Maxwell were all sitting in the royal quarters enjoying some quiet, uneventful guy time. Hana and Ella were at the spa for the day and planned to do some shopping afterward.

Drake stood and placed his empty tumbler on the coffee table. “Let’s go, Rys! The washer is done!”

“Why do you insist on teaching Leo how to do laundry, Drake?” Liam inquired as he took a sip of his scotch.

“He asked me!” Drake called from down the hall. “He’s supposed to be getting married to Katie, and he wants to try to look somewhat normal.”

Liam shrugged and continued his conversation with Maxwell about how many peacocks he bought along with the bonus of five flamingos. “It was a great deal! Bertrand would never even know because it didn’t make a dent in the account!”

The guys continued throughout the day, drinking, playing poker here and there but never quite finishing the game because they’d get into a debate about how men can fake an orgasm. “I call bullshit, Rys! You can’t fucking fake that!” Drake yelled as he waved his tumbler in the air, spilling some onto his shirt.

“You can, Walker and I have. I can’t tell you how many times!” Leo lifted his tumbler to his mouth and took a sip of the amber liquid.

Maxwell suddenly stood from the table and wandered into the kitchen. “I’m going to make half a sandwich. Anyone want one?”

Drake furrowed his brow. “You can’t make a half sandwich. If it’s not half of a whole sandwich, it’s just a small sandwich.”

“What are you, the sandwich police?!” Maxwell called from the kitchen. “Do you want one or not?”

“Yeah!” All three men yelled in response.

“How’re you doing, Drake? You just broke up Lisa last week, didn’t you?” Liam gave Drake a sympathetic look.

“You’re free now, my man!” Leo clapped Drake on the shoulder. “We should go out! Get you a new one to latch onto.”

“I don’t need sex that badly, Rys, I’m not like you,” Drake grumbled into his tumbler filled with whiskey.

“Hey, there’s nothing wrong with wanting some strange ass,” Leo cackled. “I’m gonna be getting married, though, so I don’t need to do that anymore.”

Drake sighed as he placed his drink down onto the poker table. “Thankfully, all the things my girlfriend used to do can be taken care of with my right hand.”

Liam choked on his drink and began to cough while Leo stared blankly for a full minute. “Yo, that’s the saddest thing I’ve ever heard, Walker!” Leo patted his brother’s back as he sputtered.

“Let’s just not talk about me and my love life, ok?!” Drake stood and wandered into the hallway towards the laundry room.

Maxwell returned to the living room moments later with three sandwiches on a plate, one in his hand that was already almost done. “I only found cheese and pickles. I didn’t see turkey, mayo, or mustard in the fridge.”

“So … you mean to tell me that this sandwich is just filled with cheese and pickles?” Leo quirked his brow at Max and then shifted his gaze to the sandwiches in front of him.

Maxwell shrugged. “That’s all the king and queen had in there.”

“Yeah,” Liam said sheepishly as he rubbed the back of his neck. “We haven’t had it restocked in a while; it’s been kind of crazy.”

Leo grabbed a sandwich and stopped mid-bite when he heard Drake bellow from down the hall. “Leo! The dryer is done, get over here!”

“Fuck.” He mumbled and set down his food to see about the laundry. He walked towards Drake and saw a perplexed look on his face. “What’s going on?”

“I think … Ella left her underwear in the dryer.” Drake eyed the panties and then shifted his gaze to Leo.

“Uhh, okay, so what’s the big deal? You’ve seen women’s underwear before. Just grab it and let’s go, I’ve got a gross sandwich waiting for me out there.” Leo gestured with his thumb towards the living area.

“I’m not touching Ella’s underwear, Rys!” Drake hissed.

“What the fuck, Walker! They’re just granny panties. Can you move?” Leo pushed Drake out of the way and reached into the dryer to grab the underwear in question. He pulled his hand back out and looked down to see a lacy red thong dangling from his fingers. “Oh shit!” Leo threw the thong back into the dryer and stared in horror at his hand. “Fuck! Why didn’t you say it was a thong?!” Leo whirled around and ran into the living area. “I did a bad thing.” He blurted out suddenly, and both Liam and Maxwell looked at him curiously.

“Does it affect me?” Max asked as he dealt the cards out.

“No.”

“Then suffer in silence.”

Leo huffed in frustration and turned his attention to his brother. “Liam! Can I move Ella’s clothes out of the dryer?”

“Yeah, sure.”

“Okay, thanks!” Leo turned to run back to Drake.

“Wait, Leo, why are you asking?”

“You’re not sniffing it, or anything, are you, Leo?” Maxwell snorted.

Leo turned back around and glared at Max before he met Liam’s gaze. “NO. I just wanted to be respectful, since you know, you’re married now.”

Liam arched his brow and waited for Leo to give him the real answer. “Okay, her thong is in there, man! I touched them by accident.”

“What’s the big deal?” Max questioned as he drained his drink. “Ella taught me how to do laundry, and when I’d come over, I would move her panties hundreds of times.”

“Hundreds of times? What’re you doing? Just hanging around the dryer, like some sort of panty hawk?!” Leo accused.

“Ha! Panty Hawk. I’d totally watch that show!” Max moved to sip his drink again and realized it was empty.

Drake waltzed into the living area with the laundry basket in his hands. “Okay, who is gonna move the thong?!”

“Max, why don’t you do it? I’m feeling a little dizzy from the scotch right now.” Liam rubbed his forehead.

Maxwell stood. “Are they warm from the dryer still?”

Liam’s head shot up instantly. “You know what, no, you’re out! None of you can touch her thong.” He stood slowly and walked towards the laundry room, pushing past Leo and Drake.

“I didn’t know it was a thong, Liam! I thought it was granny panties!” Leo followed behind his brother, Maxwell trailing behind, giggling behind the both of them.

“Oh, so it’s okay to touch my wife’s underwear when they’re granny panties?!”

“Well, you move it then!”

“What am I? The thong remover?!”

“YES! She’s your wife!”

About 30 minutes later, Ella and Hana walk into the quarters to find Leo, Drake, Maxwell, and Liam gathered around the dryer. Maxwell had on large yellow gloves that are used to wash dishes with and was holding a reaching stick with Ella’s red thong hanging at the end of it. All the men froze as they turned to see Hana and Ella standing there with their hands on their hips.

“What the hell is going on?” Ella demanded. Her eyes met her husband’s, and he smiled at her nervously.

“Oh hi, love! You’re home early.” Liam sidestepped the guys and walked towards Ella.

“Babe, why does Maxwell have someone’s thong?”

“Nobody wanted to move it but me, El! But, I didn’t mind moving your underwear.”

Ella looked around at all the men in her living room. “Um, that’s not mine.”

[palmtreepalmtree]

Hey everyone!  I am pleased to present the first holiday edition of...

The Worst Movie on Netflix Right Now™!

Today we’re going to talk about the first Netflix holiday release, Holidate.

Deep sigh.

OYEZ, OYEZ.  NOW COMES BEFORE THE COURT THE CASE OF PALMTREEPALMTREE V. NETFLIX.

NETFLIX PRESENTS FOR CONSIDERATION IN THE HOLIDAY ROMANCE GENRE THE NETFLIX FILM KNOWN AS HOLIDATE (HENCEFORTH ”THE FILM”).  THE FILM IS CHARGED WITH UNNECESSARY ADULT LANGUAGE, POOR CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT, CRUELTY TO SINGLE PEOPLE, AND NEGLIGENT TREATMENT OF SERIOUS FIREWORK INJURIES.

PALMTREEPALMTREE, PLEASE PRESENT YOUR CASE.

Thank you, your honors and friends and gentlepeople of the jury.  Today we consider a film known as Holidate and whether it’s worthy of our collective viewing.  Let’s cut right to the chase here.  It is not worthy of our time.

Let me break this one down for you:

THE PREMISE

The premise of The Film is pretty much the only thing that’s not bad about it.  A young woman, tired of feeling uncomfortable as the only single person at family get-togethers, makes a pact with a handsome man that she randomly met at the mall to be each others’ so-called holidates.  They basically agree to attend whatever events need attending on the holidays with zero romantic expectations.

As a premise for a rom-com, this is totally sound.  We’ve arranged for our two heroes to spend quality time together that will eventually lead to them falling in love, right?  Right.  

So where does this go wrong?

UNNECESSARY ADULT LANGUAGE

The Film kicks right off with a mature rating.  It really wants you to know it’s mature.  In fact, this is the first line of the movie:

She promptly extinguishes that cigarette on the head of a light-up Santa Claus. You might immediately think, OH HAHA FUNNY.  But no, it’s not.  Take it from an expert.  Cursing for cursing’s sake is not funny.  It’s true that the word ‘fuck’ may have a funny fucking rhythm to it, but the word alone is not a fucking joke.  It’s not inherently funny to say ‘FUCK.’  Also, ‘pussy,’ ‘slut,’ and ‘clitoris.’  Not funny when you’re just working it into a sentence for no purpose.

It’s like this movie wants to be the Bad Santa of holiday rom-coms.  But who the fuck asked for that?  This movie is like the girl who claims she’s ‘not like other girls.’  This movie is the girl who ‘doesn’t know why, but only has guy friends.’   This is the ‘girl who listens to the Joe Rogan podcast’ of rom-coms.  None of these things fucking exist.  But this movie sure is trying.

POOR CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

Listen, I’m not saying that all women in the world have friends.  But most women in the world (especially pre-long-term partnership) have some sort of friend group.  Even if it’s long distance or online or something.  But the main character here, played by Emma Roberts, appears to have no one.  Just her consistently abusive family members (more on that later).  

The premise of this movie quickly morphs from “I need a date to bring to my family events,” to “I need a date for every holiday on the calendar including ones that don’t involve my family.”  Why does she want to hang out with this rando on St. Patrick’s Day?  Cinco de Mayo?  Halloween?  WHERE ARE HER FUCKING FRIENDS?

There are no friends in sight.  This would be more believable if the script even hinted that she had friends.  Like maybe she’s tired of third-wheeling it with her couple friends while she tries to find dates of her own?  Or maybe she’s super emotionally wrecked from her last guy (even though she only dated him for a few months!?!?!?)  But no.  Instead, she spends the better part of the year of this movie going out with this fucking placeholder instead of trying to meet people or having fun with her actual fucking friends.  

Her personality is just a general sketch of habits: eats junk food, smokes and lies about it, works from home, enjoys pajama pants, etc.  We know nothing about her otherwise.  At least she’s not clumsy.

If it seems weird that I haven’t mentioned the male lead that’s because he’s fucking boring and I don’t really give a shit about him.  He’s oatmeal.  

CRUELTY TO SINGLE PEOPLE

I honestly can’t believe I have to say this, but if you’re going to make a rom-com that people can relate to maybe you should not spend the entire film showing contempt towards single people?  Actual lines from the movie:

[with shock horror] “What do you mean, you don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day!?”

“She’s going to die alone in a wheelchair and a diaper.”

“Human beings aren’t meant to be alone on the holidays.”

“She doesn’t need another friend she needs a husband.  A partner.  Someone legally bound to be there during the chemo.”

The main character’s single status is treated by everyone as sad, pathetic, something that needs to change as soon as humanly possible.  They are aggressively cruel to her about her single status.  Her mother says things to her like, “I care about you.”  And characters are always observing that she seems sad.  I can credit the Film with these expressions coming out of a sincere place.  But because it simultaneously always plays those moments for laughs, there’s an element of meanness to it.  

“YOU SEEM SO SAD, HAHAHA!!!!”

Look, I’m not saying the movie doesn’t have a point.  I think human connection is really important.  Caring for other people and having people who care about you is important.  But this movie and all of its characters treat romantic relationships as if they are the only type of relationship worth pursuing.  What if this movie ended with them just being friends?  Would that have been so bad?

Also, nearly all of the other romantic relationships in this movie are a fucking disaster --- and again, they are played for laughs.  The main character’s sister is trapped in a marriage where she and her husband are living separate lives with different priorities and values; her brother has gotten engaged to a woman after three months of dating who HAHA he doesn’t even seem to know very well; and her mom is single and maybe possibly is projecting her own fears and loneliness even though that’s never actually acknowledged in any way?  

I don’t know guys, but I think a rom-com should leave you feeling optimistic about love.  I mean, what the fuck else is the point?

NEGLIGENT TREATMENT OF SERIOUS FIREWORK INJURIES

Look, I don’t want to get into the weeds here, but in the pursuit of cheap laughs, this movie absurdly treats some pretty serious injuries lightly and it’s weird and it doesn’t work and I honestly don’t know why this movie is what it is.  It should be called Holidate: a movie in search of a tone.  

CLOSING ARGUMENTS

A good rom-com requires several things to be truly successful: 1) a fun, engaging premise; 2) believable characters that you care about and want to end up together; and 3) a good feeling at the end that leaves you optimistic and warm and fuzzy.  This movie may succeed in being occasionally funny (I guess, if that’s your sort of thing, it’s not mine, I just thought it was weird and gross, and I don’t fucking know), but it fails on 2/3 of those requirements.  

Not to mention, WHAT A FUCKING WASTE OF KRISTIN CHENOWETH.  

In conclusion, your honor and gentlepeople of the jury:

THIS MOVIE IS A FUCKING MESS AND IT SHOULD LEAVE SINGLE PEOPLE ALONE.  

[the-blind-assassin-12]

no one asked but here we are:

i am procrastinating my ass off today and i saw this on @something-tofightfor ‘s page and thought “OH LOOK A NEW WAY TO PROCRASTINATE MY ASS OFF!” So here’s some useless information about me: 

1. Do you put ketchup on hotdogs?

Yes. Alllll the toppings. Onions, relish, mustard, mayo and ketchup. 

2. Choice of soda?

I don’t really like soda because I don’t love sweet beverages. Ginger Ale, I guess, if I had to pick. 

3. Do you put salt on watermelon?

So I never knew this was a thing until I worked at a fancy schmancy place where there was a fancy schmancy watermelon cocktail that was finished with a wedge of watermelon that had been sprinkled with kosher salt. And it was fine but seemed unnecessary. So that was my long winded way of saying: not on purpose. 

4. Can you swim?

I can. I had a small above ground pool in my backyard growing up and I was in it ALL the time. I also took lessons and grew up only a few miles from the ocean, so learning to swim with currents was part of my childhood. 

5. Hot dogs or burgers?

Toss up. Gimme one of each at a cookout.   

6. Favorite type of food?  

Tacos. All kinds. Any kinds. 

7. Do you believe in ghosts?

I do. But I’m not afraid of them. 

8. What do you drink in the morning?  

Coffee, black with a little drizzle of honey. 

9. Can you do 100 push-ups?

The most I ever did at once was 40 (not the kind some asshats call “girl pushups”- we don’t have time for why I hate that- with your knees on the floor, but with my legs all the way extended) but I could certainly get to 100 if I had a few weeks to build up to it. I couldn’t do more than 12 a few years ago. 

10. Summer, Fall, Winter or Spring?

Fall and Spring over Summer and Winter. But Winter is last. 

11. Your favorite animal?  

Giraffes. I got to feed one once and it was one of the best days of my life. 

12. Tattoos?

I have one - the number 26.2 on my right foot. I got it after I ran my first and only full marathon (marathons are 26.2 miles). I have plans for more but there are other things I need/ want to save my money for before I can spend on ink. 

13. Do you wear glasses?

I sure do. I have thick coke bottle glasses and without them the world is just a bunch of formless blobs of color and light and shadow. 

14. Do you have a fear?

I have a very irrational fear of something happening to someone I care about while they’re driving. If it takes someone longer than expected to get somewhere I start to panic until I hear from them. It’s a problem. 

I used to be afraid of clowns and I still certainly do not like them, but now I know how to choke people so... they can come at me I guess. 

15. Do you have a nickname?

Most people call me Lyss. A few family members call me Lissie. My sister calls me Sissie because she had trouble with L’s as a small child and couldn’t say Lissie, not because it’s a cute form of sister. One of my very good friends from college calls me Fro-ho Baggins because of my giant ass hair. 

16. Can you change a tire?

I’ve done it once and I dented the wheel well. After that time I always ask for help. I *could* do it...but I don’t wanna fuck up my car. 

17. Favorite flower?

Daisies. 

18. Can you drive a stick?

No, but I want to learn. I always wanted to know that in an emergency I could drive any vehicle I needed to. But that’s not true currently. I know that soon they will probably do away with manual transition altogether but I still wouldn’t pass up the chance to learn. 

19. Ever gone sky diving?

No but I really want to! Fun fact- the head instructor at my gym has done like over 100 solo jumps. 

20. Kids?

Nope. 

21. Favorite color?

Green. All kinds of greens. 

22. Can you whistle?

Yeah, like, really well. 

23. Where were you born?

New Jersey

24. Surgeries?

I had major surgery on my right foot in 2018. I had an accessory navicular bone, which is the roundish kind of bump bone on the inside of your foot, right under your ankle. I had a second one growing on top of the existing one, and it was pulling the tendons in my calf and foot in the wrong direction. It caused my arch to completely collapse and it got to the point where it was excruciatingly painful to even walk. So they removed the extra bone, cut my heel away from my foot, moved everything back into place, took out about a foot of diseased tendon, and then screwed everything in place with one LONG screw through my heel and into my foot, and one small threaded anchor holding the good tendons to the spot where they’re supposed to go. I was in a cast for...I think it was 8 weeks total, and then a walking boot for about a month after that, and then another two months of PT. 

25. Shower or bath?

Shower. Baths bother me. I know they’re supposed to feel relaxing but I can’t help feeling grossed. Maybe if I had like a super nice jacuzzi tub with like jets and enough space to really lounge and stretch it would feel better, but i’d prefer a shower anytime. 

26. Last song you heard?

Papillion by The Airborne Toxic Event is playing right now. Does that count? 

27. How many TV’s in your home?

One.

28. Worst pain?

When the nerve block wore off the second day after the aforementioned surgery. I was so out of it for the first like 20 hours that I was home that I really couldn’t feel a thing, but then all at once it was there and it was awful. I have a VERY high pain tolerance and I was just in tears. 

29. Do you like to sing?

I do! I’m not very good but I do not give a single shit. 

30. Are your parents still alive?

My father is. My mom passed away 9 years ago. 

31. Do you like to go Camping?

I LOVE CAMPING. I want to camp every state. And I want to do a Canadian camping adventure sooooo badly. 

32. What do you binge watch?

So, binge watching is the only way I watch anything anymore. So...everything I watch I watch all in one go. Most recent binge of something new (to me) and not something I’ve seen a million times was Hanna on Amazon Prime and I frickin loved it and I love Erik and I’m not okay. 

33. Pumpkin or pecan?

Neither. Sweet Potato, not pumpkin (a new development) and Pistachio not Pecan. Replace the pecans with pistachios and voila. 

34. A photo of yourself.

Ew. Okay, fine, but I look like absolute garbage right now so you’re getting one from like... two months ago: 

Idk why I feel the need to stick my tongue out in so many pictures. Gosh I can’t take me anywhere.

[jjchantill]

Truth or Dare: Liam (Part 2)

Part One

“I can’t believe I let you guys talk me into playing this game again,” Louis says, sinking down into one of the vacant chairs surrounding the table.

“Come on, you know you had so much fun the last time,” you say.

“I had a hotdog and mayo smoothie, in what universe is that fun?” Louis says.

“In every universe that involves me entertaining my adult boyfriend because he got bored and wouldn’t stop bothering me like an incessant toddler,” you say.

Liam kisses your cheek, “I love you.”

“You better,” you say.

He takes a seat in the chair next to yours as the rest of the boys take a seat around the table too.

“Alright, let’s do this!” Harry says.

“You are way too enthusiastic about this game, mate. Do you remember the dog food potatoes?” Louis asks.

Harry laughs, “I do, but I’m also ready to hear some dark and dirty secrets.”

“I’m spilling my guts. I’ve already decided, no matter the question...I’m telling everything. I hope you guys have made your peace with whoever you need to because none of your secrets are safe,” Niall says.

You laugh, “well, we know how easy it is to get Niall to talk should we ever need to interrogate him...everyone ready?”

“Yep,” Liam says.

“Not in the least, but let’s do this,” Louis says.

“Bring it on,” Harry says.

“Alright, who wants to go first?” you ask.

“Let’s just get this out of the way,” Niall says.

“Alright, Nialler. Truth or dare?” you ask.

“Um...let’s go with truth,” Niall says.

“Let’s see...have you every hooked up with one of the boys’ exes?” you ask.

Niall’s eyes go wide and you laugh.

“You have!”

“What the hell, Niall?” Louis asks.

“Um...” Niall starts.

“Was it Taylor? Oh, or Eleanor?” you ask.

“Uh...”

“You have to tell us,” Liam says.

“Yeah, mate. You can’t keep that kind of thing a secret,” Louis says.

"I can't...I can't tell you guys. I promised I wouldn't say anything after it happened," Niall says.

"Come on, who was it Niall?" you ask.

Niall shakes his head, biting his lip.

"If you're not going to answer then it's time to fill your guts, Niall" you say.

Niall looks down at the plate in front of him before taking a deep breath.

"Alright...it was..."

He shakes his head again, "fuck."

He grabs a spoon before putting a giant spoonful in his mouth. His face is calm for a minute like he's enjoying himself until all the color drains from his face and he runs to the sink.

"What the hell is that?" he asks.

"Pickle juice, hot dog water, and habanero pepper jello," you say.

"Oh, that's disgusting," Louis says.

"Yep," you say, popping the p.

Niall returns to his seat and downs some more water before turning towards Liam.

"Truth or dare, Liam."

Liam is silent for a minute before taking a deep breath, "truth."

"Have you ever thought about hooking up with one of Y/n's friends? And if so which one and when?" 

You turn your head towards Liam before lifting an eyebrow. He nervously fidgets in his chair.

"Liam James Payne!" you exclaim.

"It was one time, and I was really drunk," he says.

"When was this?" you ask.

"Yourbirthdayparty," he quickly, mumbles.

"I'm sorry, I don't think we heard that," Niall says.

"Y/n's birthday party," Liam says.

"My birth...you fantasized about someone else on my birthday?" you ask.

"I was drunk, and I haven't thought about it since," Liam says.

"But you still thought it," you say.

"Love..."

"Who was it? Was it Y/b/f/n?"

"Y/n..."

"It was wasn't it?" you ask.

"Love..."

"I can't believe this. You fantasized about someone else on my..."

Liam cuts you off with a kiss on the lips.

"It was a one-time thing and I have not thought about it since. We had just started dating. It has also never happened again, nor will it ever happen again. She's like a sister to me, you have nothing to worry about. Let it go."

"Fine," you mumble against his lips.

"Well, that was unexpected," Harry says.

"You're telling me," you say.

"It's your turn to ask Liam," Harry says.

Liam nods, "Louis...truth or dare?"

Louis shakes his head, "I can't believe I'm letting this happen again. What the hell is wrong with me? Why would I agree to play this game again?"

"Lou, truth or dare?"

Louis groans, "dare."

"I dare you to lick the toilet seat," Liam says.

Louis's eyes go wide, "nope. Not doing it...bring on the gross food."

You push a plate towards Louis, "are you sure, Louis? Because this one is particularly nasty."

"Yep, I am not licking a toilet seat. That is a line I can't cross."

"Okay," you say, shrugging.

Louis grabs a spoonful of the food in front of him and takes a deep breath before plunging it into his mouth.

"So, how's it tastes?" Liam asks.

Louis shakes his head, "mmhmm, mmhmm."

He immediately gets up and runs to the sink, throwing up and rinsing his mouth out.

"I take it that the food was not good?" Liam asks.

"I will never get the taste out of my mouth. What was that?" Louis says, drinking some more water.

"Vanilla ice cream, clam sauce, sardine chunks, and whipped cream," you say.

Louis heaves again and you laugh. After Louis it's your turn and you opt for truth which as you answering who is the best kiss you have ever had. The five of you spend the rest of the afternoon daring each other to do some crazy, weird, disgusting things until every dish on the table has had a least one bite taken out of it. When the day is over, you are all left feeling a little queasy  but glad what you got to spend time together. 

[bountybossier]

Little Debbie’s Wild Ride | Blanche & Nic

Takes place during Into the Darkness POTW.

Summary: “Tom Brady could fucking choke.” “This is like supernatural dukes of fucking hazzard.”

with: @harlowhaunted

Nicodemus really had to hand it to Blanche. When she wanted to do something, like check on a busted ass hunter, she would do it hell or high water. Or darkness that never seemed to leave. At least he had cleaned up the blood and general disarray that had befallen the place from a couple nights ago, when Dewey Foster and Erin Nichols had given a shit about his safety. Or when he'd returned after an impromptu Karen cleansing. And now Blanche was hurrying over too. It didn't sit well with him, all this caring and protecting shit, but he wasn't in the mood or the state to argue. He folded his arms over his chest as he stood on the second floor of Traveler's Rest, a disgruntled look on his face. He was sure he'd hear the pipsqueak arrive before he saw her.

Blanche pulled into her parking spot, and hopped out of her car. She hurt everywhere, and she was sore, but if she took her pain medication, she wouldn’t be able to drive. She also grabbed the iron pole she grabbed from the fireplace tools, weirdly adjusting the bag on her back. She was a bit of a mess as she clambered up the stairs in her sling, with her bag and pole, wincing every four seconds - until… “Nic?” There he was. Waiting for her. She scurried up to him, immediately trying to sense some kind of presence around him. Only…. She didn’t. “Are you okay?! Are you… you right now?!”

As soon as Blanche strolled up like she wasn’t busted to shit, Nicodemus found his energy again. Where it came from, he didn’t know, but something gross like concern rose up in him and he met her at the top of the stairs. Lips down in a frown and eyes full of scrutiny, he cocked his head at her. “Harlow, the hell are you doin’?” He was the least of her concern right now. “I’m pretty fuckin’ fine compared to you, the hell happened? I was just gonna get some groceries.” She looked like she’d bee in a fucking bar fight or worse. He looked at the sling again. Goddamn it. When would people deal with their shit before thinking his was more important? Hands on hips, he leaned back and stared up at the sky with a deep sigh. “What do you mean am I me? Merde, yeah. It’s me.”

“I told you I was coming to check on you?” Blanche said, confused. She shifted her bag again, before looking down at herself, iron rod and bag full of salt and all. “Oh. Uh, long story. A house fell on me and I dislocated my shoulder. No big deal! It barely hurts.” A lie, but one she could roll with at least. The pain wasn't that bad. She frowned at him though, examining him a moment. “You… said black outs,” Blanche said, slowly. “I was concerned. About, uh, some ghostly activity.” Though she probably should have called Cassie and Rebecca with her. “You’re going grocery shopping? Cool cool cool, let’s go, then. We’re going grocery shopping. Want me to drive?”

“Yeah, didn’t mention the fuckin’ state you’d be in. Jesus Christ,” Nicodemus scrubbed a hand over his face, winced as he put pressure on his nose. Even with hunter healing, the fucker was still sore. He blinked at her for a long while as she explained how her arm got the way it was. Long, slow blinks of complete and utter disbelief. “You tanked a fuckin’ house and you wanna go buy some goddamn snack cakes with me?” His head cocked, his brow furrowed. Concern rose up in him like something sick, something raucous and unnerving. Alright. Fine. She was already there. He grunted and gestured down the stairs before he headed down. “Too fuckin’ concerned, apparently. I’ll drive, you got a goddamn sling on. Christ, Blanche.” His truck came to life loudly and he rounded to the other side as he opened the door, expression and mood equally disgruntled. “Come on.”

Blanche stared at Nic for a second, before looking down at her sling. “I was hoping you wouldn’t notice,” she said, a little sheepishly. “It wasn’t me that tanked the house, it - well, that’s a story for another time. It’s long.” And thinking about it sort of made her shoulder start to throb painfully. “Besides, I like snack cakes,” she said, following him back down the stairs, slowly and stiffly. She wondered when she was going to be able to start running again. Or sparring with Nell. Damn. This sucked. Still, she sheepishly held onto the iron rod. “I drove here with the sling on,” She reminded him, but didn’t argue as she hopped into the passenger side carefully, and shut the door, struggling to get her bag off her back and stuff her iron rod back into the backpack. “I thought you were possessed,” Blanche confessed, looking over at him. “But I don’t sense anything off about you at all.” At least, she didn’t think she did. “So snack cakes it is!”

The hunter didn’t dignify what she said with a response, just a tight-lipped stare and narrow eyes. “Don’t pity the poor bastard that did. Tell me about it later.” Right then, Nicodemus was hungry and feeling that modicum of concern for another person made him hungrier. As the door shut, he rounded back to the driver’s side and mumbled to himself as he put on his seatbelt and reminded her to do the same. “Ain’t too thrilled about you drivin’ over with a sling on in the first place,” he reminded with a stern brow. “...but can’t really say shit. Tried to walk home with a busted nose the other night. Guess we’re both pretty fuckin’ bad at that whole quittin’ thing.” At the word possession, he frowned further. If he had been possessed, might as well take him out back and shoot him. But that wasn’t the case. “Well thank fuck for that but doesn’t really narrow down what the hell’s going on.” He pulled out of the Traveler’s parking lot, tires throwing dirt as he started to drive to the grocery store. He expected the grocery store parking lot to be dark but it seemed even more ominous with the lone street light flickering in and out. “Huh. Looks like they’re still open.”

Blanche struggled for a moment to click her seatbelt into place, scowling when he said he wasn’t thrilled she was driving. “Good news, they don’t pull people over for not keeping your hands on ten and two on the wheel anymore,” Blanche said, with a grin. But she frowned when he continued, and glanced out the darkened window. “Yeah. We are. You really did scare the shit out of me the other night, you know. ‘Yeah i’m gOOD’ and then nothing.” Blanche scowled at the memory, shooting him an unhappy look. But she let out a low sigh, and nodded. “No, but at least I don’t have to wave an iron rod threateningly at you while I text one of my exorcist pals to help you.” Blanche frowned again. She didn’t actually know what she would have done. At least she didn’t have to call Cassie or Rebecca sheepishly. She looked at the grocery store, suddenly having a bad feeling in the pit of her stomach. She undid her seatbelt, ready to hop out. “Good! We can get your snack cakes and go quickly then. You don’t still crave mayo right?”

“Well, maybe they should.” Nicodemus said with a loud huff before he corrected himself. It wasn’t his fucking place to tell Blanche Harlow how to live her life, he reasoned. His gaze slid over to look at her. With a screen between them, it was hard to tell anything apart from anything else, but he knew concern. She wasn’t the first to look at him, or not directly look at him, like that. He sucked on his teeth before he spoke up. “Yeah...I ain’t been right and you sure as shit know that,” he said, not needing to explain much else. “But I’m tryin’. Drivin’ you to get some fuckin’ Little Debbies might help.” He cracked a dry smile, tried to ignore that strange warmth in his heart region that she would actually go to such fucking lengths for someone like him. “Do all that for a French hunter, huh? Merde.” He laughed just as dryly as he killed the truck and pulled off his seatbelt, boots scratching the pavement. He paused, thought it over, and reached under his seat to grab the Beretta he kept underneath the seat. Loaded it and then tucked it into the back of his pants. He already had a knife in both pockets, that was a given. At the word mayo, he fake heaved. “Think I got that shit out of my system for the time bein’,” he said as they started to walk into the store that seemed...quiet. The front door was open too. “If I so much as look at mayo, fuckin’ stab me with that fire poker, alright?”

Blanche snorted. They should pull people over for a lot of reasons and didn’t, hand positions on the steering wheel definitely wasn’t on a priority list unless a cop was being a total douchebag. Blanche settled into her seat, before cracking a smile. Little Debbies muffins… So bad for you, but so good. “Never underestimate the power of Little Debbies,” Blanche told him, mock seriousness in her tone, before snickering quietly. “Yeah well, maybe French hunters aren’t all that bad and I was just cranky because some Banshee bird tried to eat me, yeesh,” Blanche snickered, struggling to unbuckle herself while she watched him load a gun. God, were all hunter’s just like that? Who hurt them? She didn’t say anything though, because she learned quickly that it was better to be safe than sorry in White Crest. It took her a second to get out of the car, and swing her backpack up onto her good shoulder, the fire poker sticking out of it. As they walked in, Blanche frowned, something inside her causing her to tense. “Uhh -” She glanced at Nic. What had he said. Oh, Mayo. “Don’t worry, you even breathe near it, and you’ll get stabbed don’t worry.” The store itself was strangely empty, save their footsteps. Even their voices seemed to be too loud. Nope, Blanche officially didn’t like this. She reached out, and grabbed at Nic’s sleeve with her good hand. “Nic, I think something’s wrong.”

“A Little Debbie can really help or really fuck you up...” Nicodemus said, eyes fixated on something far off. It didn’t matter that Little Debbie had been the nickname of a particularly hazardous Bies back in Vermont. Blanche didn’t need to hear that story right then. He snorted and shook his head. With all the French hunters that seemed to congregate in White Crest, there must’ve been some kind of energy calling them there. Or they all just hated the idea of dying a boring death one day. “Y’know, that shit’s fair. Can’t say I wouldn’t be mad neither if something was screamin’ and flappin’ at me all of a sudden.” He flashed a small, tired grin as he waited for her to get out and walk with him. His senses rumbled, or maybe he was just hungry. All the same, he didn’t feel right. Felt less right than he had back at the hotel with the smell of mayonnaise lingering. “Thanks, knew I could count on you for a stabbin’,” he said under his breath, eyes slightly narrowed as the grocery’s canned music chimed ominously overhead. When Blanche grabbed at him, he tensed up. Damn it all to hell, he just wanted to get some fucking snack cakes and maybe a juice. “...Yeah, probably so. Let’s just...grab what we need and go.” He looked up to find the aisle labeled snacks and walked towards it, guiding Blanche along with him. At the end of the long stretch, there was a dark smear along the floor of the freezer wall. And a tapping sound somewhere in the back right corner of the store, steadily growing faster. “...Don’t think the place will mind a little theft right now there, Harlow.”

Blanche’s grip tightened around Nic’s sleeve as he led her through to the snack aisle. Something was wrong. That gut feeling in the pit of her stomach that was begging her to turn around and run away. But she wasn’t about to leave Nic here alone with whatever it was. No doubt about it, Nic wasn’t in his right mind. Speaking gibberish online and craving mayonnaise. He may not have been possessed but something else was absolutely going on. “Nic…” Blanche said, her tone increasingly concerned. It was a ghost town. Well, maybe not in the literal sense. Blanche didn’t even sense anything here. “I think we should just grab what we want and go -” Blanche wasn’t going to argue against stealing, not when she was feeling like this. She had just snatched up a glass bottle of apple juice with her free hand - the kind that bourgeois people drank, when she eyed the dark smear. She squinted. “Is that blood?” She asked, a sinking feeling in her chest. She didn’t get an answer though, before Blanche screamed at the scythe and the creature that came around the corner abnormally fast for someone that was crawling with no legs - wait, some legs. There was some attached to her back, somehow. Blanche reacted automatically, throwing the glass bottle of juice at the figure, before yanking hard on Nic’s arm. “Let’s go let’s go, let’s -” the bottle smashed on the ground, juice spilling everywhere, the thing sliding off balance. “GO! LET’S GO RIGHT NOW!!”

“Yup, that’s blood. Don’t pay it no mind.” Nicodemus started to stuff an assortment of snacks into every pocket he had. His hand was tight around a package of thoroughly powdered donuts when he glanced down at Blanche, slightly alarmed at her alarm. Her arm was fucked and she was out getting snacks with his dumb ass. If they weren’t dealing with some fucked up shit, were they even really hanging out at all? He swore inwardly as he looked over in time to see the thing take the corner like Dale Earnhardt Jr. on the last lap, lack of legs and all. “Good goddamn.” He spiked the bag of powdered donuts at the creature. White powder burst and clung to the monster as it ate shit face first down Blanche’s impromptu juice water slide. The thing was real goddamn fast and he glanced at the medium before he promptly picked her up. “Yell at me later, we gotta fuckin’ get.” The hunter picked her up like a medium-sized football and getting to the truck was how they’d win the fucking supernatural Super Bowl. Tom Brady could fucking choke. He booked it, snacks falling out of his pockets as they went. Their loss could be mourned later as he heard the scythe scratch against the grocery store floor with a terrible screech. And then it was running after them again. He came to a stop quick enough to not toss her longways into the truck and ripped the driver’s side door open, putting her down and ushering her over. “C' mgep l' bug, Harlow!” The thing was sprinting as much as someone with no legs could and he brought the truck back to life again. In the headlights, lurking and bloody, was the creature. Bloody scythe and all. His mouth set into a thin line. The engine roared. “Hold on, Blanche.” With a lead foot, he hit the gas and drove straight.

Blanche hardly had time to register that the damn thing was now covered in powdered sugar when she was yoinked up off the ground in haste. “Less talking! More running!!” Blanche, not for the first time, clung onto Nic for dear life. At least they weren’t running from a bird that could scream louder than death. Their ears weren’t ringing. Then again, running from a legless, scythe wielding, bloody bitch wasn’t all that great either. “What the hell is that?! What the hell is that?!” Blanche shrieked, but it fell on deaf ears as she was dumped into the driver’s side of the truck, hurriedly scooching over so he could get in himself. She was held on for dear life, wildly looking around to pinpoint where the damn thing had gone. She didn’t realize until Nic told her to hold on to what was happening. “What -” she said, before she jerked backward in the seat as she jerked forward. Blanche’s eyes widened, and she squeaked loudly as the truck went full force into the thing, the metal crunching the scythe and the horrible squish of the bloody creature. Blanche clamped her mouth shut, her free hand grabbing onto the handle on the side door. Her stomach churned, and she felt faintly green… “Left! Go left! And faster,” She swatted him. “Go faster!”

Nicodemus had a feeling that the fucking thing was likely built a little more than Ford tough. Just their luck. He was driving a goddamn Chevy. “I don’t fuckin’ know! I ain’t ever seen that shit before,” he said, a little loud as he shook his head, a splitting headache building right down the midline of his face. There wasn’t any piece in getting some snack cakes. Once the creature crunched under the truck, he threw it in reverse for good measure. When he looked at Blanche, his expression was deathly serious. “Gotta double tap that son of a bitch.” Then, he followed her direction, not at all bothered by her swatting. There was other serious shit and they needed to leave it behind at some local grocery store’s parking lot. Thank fuck the road was empty because the meter was spiking at 80 until he felt they had put decent enough distance for him to try and least respect the speed limit. He took in a deep breath and lifted one hand off the wheel to reach in the pocket of his jacket. One solitary and pristine pack of Little Debbies chocolate cupcakes slid across the dashboard. He clicked on the radio and turned it down low. “I--I got the fuckin’ Debbies, Harlow.”

“WHY ARE WE REVERSING - oh.” Blanche started as they ran over the thing again, another bump and she was pretty sure she heard a squish, before Nic jackrabbited out of the parking lot, following her directions. She would have normally objected to breaking the speed limit that bad, but she wanted out of there as fast as possible, and Nic was providing that. Blanche clutched the handle on the door for dear life, not having put her seatbelt on because it was too much of a damn struggle in a goddamn freaking sling. She only let out a breath when Nic slowed down, relaxing back into the seat, eyes closing. “What?” she asked, opening her eyes, and hearing the low music of the radio. And there she saw it. The package of little Debbie's chocolate cupcakes. Perfect. Not even squished. She stared at them a long moment. She looked at Nic. She looked at the cupcakes. She thought about her aching body and how much her shoulder hated her at that moment in time. She thought about that thing they just ran over. And then she promptly burst into tears, half laughing half sobbing.

The hunter took in a heavy breath and sagged back against the rigid seat of his truck. He glanced up into the rearview mirror and didn’t see any legless critter booking it after them. That was good enough, he supposed. It could do for now. Peril didn’t seem so imminent. It took Nicodemus a moment to recognize the song on the radio. Landslide by Fleetwood Mac. He felt eyes on him and glanced at Blanche from the corner of his eye. Oh shit. Oh shit no. He knew what was about to happen. The first sob that came out of her prompted his eyes to water, the second made his throat tighten. The third prompted the Hoover Dam of his eyelids to collapse and then he was crying fat, ugly tears. The stress and the concern, the guilt and the exhaustion. What felt like a lifetime’s worth of everything. It all came spilling out and he pulled them off to the side before they wrecked them more than they already were. Even his goddamn head started to feel lighter. He considered leaving the package alone as he stared at it, the dim overhead light catching on the plastic. Making it look nearly holy. The one damned thing that was pristine and whole in the entire fucking truck. Tearing the package open carefully, he handed one to her. “H-Here’s your fuckin’ Debbie, Blanche.”

[hargroves-angel]

Cookies And Cream 🏹🍪

Chapter 3 - chocolate Sundae

A/N *Contains Swearing and sexual references 

// Chapter 4 - Devils Food Cake // Cookies And Cream Masterlist //

Y/N applied some mascara onto her eyelashes, she’d been up and buzzing since 5:30, she couldn’t sleep, there was so much to be done before Billy was going to pick her up. She had to shower, do her hair and makeup, make a quick batch of cookies to be prepared for the oven when her mother woke up, put on her outfit, make some pancake mixture and prepare her school bag and schedule. It was a busy morning.

She basked in the sunlight that escaped through slits in the curtains, creating pretty patterns on the floor as she hummed softly, packaging some French toast she’d made for Billy. He didn’t eat breakfast at home she noticed so she was going to make sure to feed him, as he was driving her to and from school it was the least she could do.

A knock at the door interrupted her thoughts, Billy was stood, denim jacket on, white shirt and denim shoes, his classic boots.

“Good morning doll, you ready?” She nodded and picked up her bag and the small brown package on the side, labelled with B.H. On it.

“Here, I noticed you don’t eat breakfast, it’s the least I could do, if your lucky on Fridays if you come early you can have some bacon and eggs instead” her smile was wide. Billy blushed, as much as he hated blushing he genuinely blushed. She went out of her way to make him breakfast, when his own father couldn’t be bothered his own step-mom didn’t care.

He felt butterflies in his stomach. That was new, he’d never felt that before, maybe it wasn’t nerves because of some girl, it was probably just hunger, yeah that’s what it was, hunger.

“T-Thank you... That’s sweet of you doll” She shut her door and walked to his car, he followed shortly after, digging into the toast whilst walking, it was fresh and still warm. It tasted amazing. He scoffed it down quickly and joined Y/N in the car.

She was chatting to Max. He glared at Max as if to get her to stop talking to Y/N so that he could have her to himself.

Max didn’t care, Billy wouldn’t do shit whilst Y/N were here.

“I’m sorry, Max I would’ve made you something if I knew” you apologised profusely. She laughed at Y/Ns worry, Billy once again glared at her in the mirror whilst driving.

“It’s ok Y/N, I usually make myself some cereal anyway, Billy doesn’t like cereal, he says it tastes soggy” She said in a smug tone. Billy felt his cheeks heat up again.

“Maxine, you little - minx” He saved himself from going crazy at her and causing further embarrassment. Max couldn’t believe it, Billy never gave a shit about who was present whilst he yelled or shouted at her, that’s when she caught on... She definitely wasn’t like Billy’s other women, she had an effect on him, something that made him want to look better and be better. The bastards only gone and fallen for her! She giggled at the thought of her own step-brother, Hawkins signature asshole! Falling for the girl next door!

“What are you giggling about Maxine” Billy said through gritted teeth. He was gonna kill her later.

“Nothing much brother, nothing much” she glanced outside the window a grin on her face. She knew that the way she said that sentence, how she called him her brother angered him. She was gonna tease him so much, the minute Y/N left.

Y/N and Billy held a decent conversation, talking about new recipes she had been wanting to try out, designs for the bakery and some school work.

“Is it big?” Y/N asked, her innocent doe eyes fluttering her eyelashes as she asked him. Billy almost choked, he’d only been asked that a few times and they weren’t referencing anything but his co- “the school?” She continued after Billy didn’t answer.

He cleared his throat. “Yeah, it’s quite big I guess, but also comfortable, not like the huge ones in California though” She nodded, excited to meet new people, she didn’t necessarily enjoy school, as not many kids did but she accepted the fact that she had to go and took that with pride and grace.

Billy pulled up in the car park. He had one problem, Tommy, because Tommy liked to talk, he liked to talk mostly about girls. In particular girls that he thought Billy would want to bed, so Billy’s job today was to keep Tommy from running his mouth and ruining Billy’s Chance at getting- no, bedding her.

She opened her door and breathed deeply in, a smile on her face and a bounce in her step. Billy spotted Tommy and his gang stood around his car. Tommy’s mate Daniel stuck his hand in the air and waved Billy over to the group.

“Bye Max!” Y/N waved her off as she skated away. Wondering in her mind how long it would take for her to hear that Billy wasn’t a guy who sticks around. She bet an hour maximum with herself.

Billy placed his hand on the small of Y/Ns back as he led her to his friends.

“Oh Billy, who’s the new lay?” Tommy raised his eyebrow, taking in Y/Ns figure in her dress.

“She’s not a lay” Billy said sternly, glaring at Tommy “but anyway this is Y/N L/N” he felt uneasy introducing her to his friends, they weren’t like her.

She held her hand out to the boys as if to shake them. They all shook hands with her apart from Dylan, who lifted her hand to his lips and kissed it softly. Billy felt himself nearly shake with anger.

“You ok Billy?” Her soothing voice would usually calm him, but the only thing he could see was red, every other sense was blocked out.

A squeal interrupted everything as Y/N turned around to be engulfed in a hug from Carol. “BITCH!” Carol squeaked. Tina stood awkwardly next to them. “I haven’t seen you in forever Y/N! Come, I need to show you everything!” Before Y/N could even protest Carol had dragged her away from the boys.

As soon as she was out of sight Billy grabbed Dylan and held him by his shirt to meet him face to face.

“You fucking touch her like that again I’ll fucking end you alright” he spat.

“What’s wrong dude, she’s just your woman of the week what the fuck, plus you don’t care about sharing, never have in the past” billy shoved him to the floor and left. Dylan was right though, she was just his woman of the week, why was he getting jealous? But still if any boy even dares look at her in that way again he’s going to be getting his hands dirty. Why did she make him feel like this!

Class for the rest of the day was boring, Billy only had one class with her and it was English, he couldn’t even show off in English because in all honesty he felt as though it wasn’t his best subject. Y/N on the other hand was loving Hawkins High. Everyone was so bubbly, boys were being gentlemanly, girls being sweet. Billy shared the same lunch period as her, she told him about her day as they walked around the school to get to his hang out spot.

“I’m going to cheerleading tryouts tomorrow” She beamed up at him.

“You’ll do great, you’ll look amazing in the outfit” he fnatsised a little, but snapped out of it after hearing her giggle.

“Maybe I might get paired up with you, for the games... you know when the cheerleaders skip there designated player onto the court does some kind of flip and then the little.. kiss on the cheek at the end” she smiled at the ground at the thought. Billy felt those butterflies again. Nope, no he didn’t! That’s just hunger not nerves he reminded himself, shoving his sandwich in his mouth as quick as he could.

“Slow down tiger!” She laughed at his antics. “What even is in that sandwich?”

“Ham, Mayo and cheese... with a bit peanut butter” he said peanut butter with smirk.

“Ew! Billy that’s so gross!!” Y/N squeaked as he made noises of enjoyment as he continued to eat his nasty sandwhich.

They hung out with his friends for a little while before Y/N got dragged off by a group of cheerleaders and Carol.

“So then Billy, she good?”

“The best” he smiled, not realising what he said or what he just answered.

“Damn boys! She the best lay? We gotta get us a slice of that cake” Tommy laughed and joked with his mates.

“What no? I haven’t... she and I haven’t done that yet”

“Oh so Billy’s going soft on us?” Tommy teased. Billy shot him daggers.

“I’ll bed her this week, I’m just buttering her up, you know she seems a bit...” don’t say it he thought, “frigid” it had been done. He felt so bad immediately afterwards.

“Ahh, we gotta get Billy layed boys” Finn joined in.

“Nah, I’m holding out, who knows maybe she’ll be good in bed” he winked. His words coming with guilt. He hated feeling guilty, why was she having this damn affect on him. Tommy and his gang moved onto other subjects, Billy not wanting to join in.

Soon enough the bell signaled the end of the day. Billy met her by his car, she was talking to the head cheerleader, Emery, she was alright, was never nice to the new kids though so he was prepared to start telling her where she could shove her opinions but surprisingly she was talking to Y/N about cheerleading, they both were giggling.

“I’ll see you tomorrow at 4:15 Y/N, I think the girls would let you on even without an audition, they all love you! But rules are rules unfortunately, trust me you’ll do great though, see you around!” She smiled and walked off. Billy grinned at Y/N, she looked so excited.

“You ready to go then princess? Max is at some crappy AV club so it’s just us, that ok?” He kept his cool manor. She nodded and got into her side of the car.

They drove off, both singing along to some of Billy’s favourite songs.

He felt so much happiness around Y/N he couldn’t explain it... that frustrated him to much extent. It meant that once he did bed her, he couldn’t keep her, not that he wanted to anyway! ... because having a girlfriend is for softies. That’s what he told himself anyway.

[blackandblue13]

things william schuester should have been arrested for (season one):

01.01 - pilot

existing 

teaching spanish

taking over glee club 

not wearing a shirt 

putting mayo on terri’s sandwich 

framing finn for having weed and then blackmailing him into joining glee club

“accounting is sexy”

01.02 - showmance 

getting a license plate that says “glee”

thinking that “freak out” is a good song for glee club 

rapping

making emma so sad that she locked herself in her car to cry while listening to sad music in the pouring rain 

“everyone loves disco”

being shirtless again 

trying to “cure” emma of her ocd

apparently not knowing how to count to ten bc that was Not ten seconds

giving rachel’s “don’t stop believin” solo to quinn 

01.03 - acafellas

being a bad choreographer

thinking that starting a hip-hop a cappella group in his living room is a good idea 

being shirtless again? 

abandoning glee club for acafellas 

rapping again

not tying his bowtie 

01.04 - preggers

breathing

not understanding birth

not being tough 

intruding on ken and emma during lunch 

saying that he’s one of rachel’s only fans

tried to teach football players how to dance

01.05 - the rhodes not taken

telling emma about quinn’s pregnancy without asking finn beforehand

bringing back april rhodes 

01.06 - vitamin d

doing whatever fucking thing that was with his tongue 

guys vs. gals competition (sexism) 

tossing a baseball between his hands? 

“celebrity judge”

stressing out sue 

designating emma as the “celebrity judge”

having to go to the bathroom while ken proposed to emma 

that Look he gave emma towards the end of the episode? yeah i don’t like it 

01.07 - throwdown

looking like a crazy person 

that vein on his neck 

punching sue on the arm 

threatened to destroy sue

has curly hair (makes it hard for sue to trust him)

bad at teaching spanish 

touched sue on the arm even after she threatened a lawsuit 

licking his lips 

trying to dance

was mean to sue (even tho she was mean to him too)

“because you’re all minorities. you are in the glee club”

01.08 - mash-up 

“bust a move” is one of his favorite songs 

unbuttoned his shirt in a public high school (he had a t-shirt on underneath but it was still gross) 

more rapping 

sang sex lines that seemed to be directed towards the cheerios 

danced? 

annoyed kurt with his dancing 

wearing sunglasses indoors 

he put the shirt back on but he didn’t button it up and his t-shirt underneath is a v-neck and i can see his chest hair that’s disgusting 

is he rapping again? twice in one episode?? 

he cannot dance and yet he is “dancing” around emma and he’s singing ken’s favorite song this is completely inappropriate 

tripped on emma’s wedding dress train when he was trying to dance 

danced in the middle of a wedding dress store 

smiled at emma 

01.09 - wheels 

bad at spying 

01.10 - ballad 

sang “endless love” with rachel 

caused suzy pepper to eat a really hot pepper and burn a hole in her esophagus and enter a 3-day medically-induced coma 

01.11 - hairography 

drinking milk 

wrong about sue’s interest in glee club 

“here’s the problem with sue sylvester” wrong, there is no problem 

step ball change 

he gave rachel a Look during the jane addams school’s performance of “bootylicious” 

tried to be intimate with his wife

hairography 

01.12 - mattress 

blocked terri from seeing the tv 

was out of line with emma 

the entire interaction with terri scares me every time. it wasn’t a healthy relationship for either of them, but he was still way too aggressive when he confronted terri

used a mattress (although he didn’t know he wasn’t supposed to use it)

used the phrase “gussied up” 

01.13 - sectionals

talked over emma

01.14 - hell-o

mentioned alexander graham bell (who was, in fact, a bitch)

looking at emma like that (omfg gross)

“i could just lean over and kiss you if i want to. and i want to” shut the fuck up 

sang over neil diamond

cheated on emma with shelby

associated the same song (”hello” by neil diamond) with two different gals (terri and emma) 

made emma cry again (count: 2)

01.15 - the power of madonna 

being a man 

stole madonna from sue 

had too much margarine in his hair 

insulted sue 

wore a v-neck

01.16 - home 

wore another v-neck (gross) 

01.17 - bad reputation 

his shirt too many unbuttoned buttons 

“performed” “ice ice baby” (if you would call that a performance) 

he rapped, he danced, he got the rest of the glee club to do the “ice ice baby” backup and they danced with him. these poor students. they don’t deserve this. 

is a slut 

isn’t good enough for emma

man-whore 

thought he could make it up to emma with flowers and a sad apology well sucks for you william but she’s too good for you 

01.19 - dream on 

too much unbuttoned 

sang aerosmith for a “les miz” audition 

audition outfit straight out of a 90′s boyband 

got the lead in “les miz” 

insulted bryan ryan and made him want to punch will in the face 

01.20 - theatricality 

doesn’t think vampires are real 

made out with rachel’s mom (not in this episode, but i knew he was thinking about it when mercedes told the new directions about shelby) 

too much unbuttoned 

he mimed the string instruments when the boys were singing “beth”

didn’t have an actual lesson in mind 

touched tina’s shoulder yuck

slow clap

01.21 - funk

broke sue’s trophy 

the way he looked at terri during the whole divorce-signing scene? disgusting 

creeped santana out 

suggested that the new directions prank vocal adrenaline in retaliation 

then called it a “harmless prank” when puck and finn slashed the range rover tires of vocal adrenaline 

“we are gonna get funked up”

“~funky town~”

zoned out when rachel was talking about jessie breaking her heart 

hitting on sue

wasted two minutes of sue’s time 

will: you ain’t got / me: *mutes the volume*

this entire number jesus fucking christ i can’t look at the screen i can’t go into detail or else i’ll be scarred for life 

why is he seducing sue 

he took his jacket off put that thing back on this instant william 

not another v-neck

he enunciated way too much and got way too close to sue’s face

made sue think she had romantic feelings for him

got sue flowers and appletini carbogel things

said he and sue had chemistry

“the only thing i want is sue” 

touched sue’s hair 

asked her out to dinner 

“you know what wednesday is right? hump day” 

that fucking look yuck 

led her on and stood her up

another unnecessary v-neck

caused sue to pull out of nationals 

went to sue’s house 

wouldn’t let the glee guys beat up jessie and the rest of vocal adrenaline 

touched rachel’s phone (babe you gotta boil that) 

he only has two buttons on his shirt and both of them are undone 

licked his lips 

almost kissed sue 

his breath stinks of mediocrity 

01.22 - journey to regionals 

his hair looks like a briar patch 

invited the new directions to his house? is that legal??

stopped his car in the middle of the road 

and cried 

said that glee club sucked (nine months ago) (when there were only five of them)

got emo

almost became an accountant 

~journey medley~

made fun of finn’s dancing

his offstage dancing sucks

kissed emma 

made sue sad 

hugged rachel 

touched her shoulders 

played the ukulele 

way too much unbuttoned. you’re in a school, william

[bisansastarks]

Healthy Eating Guide

I had an anon who asked to give me my best healthy eating/living tips. 

First off, before you begin- remember to always be kind to yourself. Changing your eating and living style is a process. It will not happen over night. You will have days you give in and eat that cupcake- AND THAT IS OKAY. If you go in with the mentality that if you do this and that, you are bad- you will fail. 

Healthy living is about being kind to yourself. It’s about forgiving yourself. That is my one number one tip. 

Set up a grocery list and free 1 hour (but for the beginning most likely two) to meal prep. Meal prep is my second biggest tip for healthy living. Do you know how many time I’ve been EXHAUSTED from work and had nothing cooked at home and drove past a Mcdonalds? Trust me. Meal preps will save your life. It takes time. Buy a lot of Ziploc bags or Tupperware too. The cool thing is, you don’t really have dishes for the rest of the week and you save time too. 

There are a lot of different diet plans you can go with. Some people go Keto. Some people cut out all carbs and sugar. You can try experimenting with it. Some people go vegan and that really works for them. For me, with my depression. I can’t cut out all carbs and sugar- it affects my mood. You wanna be aware of that- it can affect your mood. Now I guarantee the first few days you will be cranky but if you’re feeling truly depressed a week in- your body is telling you something is wrong. I personally go for high protein and calorie watch. 

My grocery list looks like this: eggs (you can try to just eat egg whites but a large is 78 calories so it’s really not that bad people are lying to you), ground turkey, turkey cold cuts, chicken breasts, veggies, one or two fruits (fruits contain a lot of sugar, not saying you can’t have as much fruit as you want but it’s best to limit yourself to choosing no more than three different fruits a week), non fat greek yogurt (my marathon running brother highly recommends cottage cheese but I personally find it gross as fuck) snack packs- look at stuff kids eat, they’re small portions but they’re TASTY!!! (Goldfish and pretzels are my go to beef up a boring lunch of cold cuts) and then personally I have a missive sweet tooth and to me, healthy living is NOT DENYING PARTS OF YOURSELF. So I spend a bit of money on low cal sweet treats. This weekend I bought myself three different low cal ice creams. If you’re a cheese girl- BUY THAT CHEESE. Just eat in small doses. If you love pasta- buy some pasta and eat small portions. If you go into a diet thinking you need to deny yourself and hate everything you’re gonna eat- it’s not gonna last. 

Healthy food can get boring, lets get real here. I HIGHLY recommend stocking up your spice jars. Condiments can also be a good send. Olive oil based mayo is much less calories and goes great in some tuna. if you like spicy things- get some hot sauce, some siracha, etc etc. Those things have almost no calories. And here’s the trick- if you’re eating healthy all day, sometimes it’s okay if your condiments even have high calories. Get that BBQ sauce. Sweet potatoes are A GODSEND they are so good for you- but if you wanna indulge your sweet tooth, dip them in a bit of olive oil (I will warn you olive oil is VERY fatty so use that careful) and sprinkle some brown sugar on top. It won’t kill your diet, I promise you. ALSO go on pinterest! Copy everything! 

CHEAT MEALS ARE SO IMPORTANT. I’m telling you there is no greater high than a well deserved cheat meal. I would start out being kinder to yourself and then getting more strict. For instance, if I was just starting out I’d do a cheat ITEM maybe once every four days. So not a whole meal but one thing- maybe a candy bar, a small bag of chips, a small mcdonalds fries. Then I’d maybe do a cheat once every fourteen days but I’d make it a whole meal. If you’ve been doing it for six months why don’t you give yourself a day where you don’t even think about it. Now I’m not saying on that day you eat three donuts for breakfast, mcdonalds for lunch, and a lasagna for two for dinner- but let yourself not count every calorie that day and say yes to what you want, in reason. ALSO: always ALWAYS plan your cheat meals. There is nothing worse than a cheat meal that doesn’t satisfy you. It will seriously just make you feel like crap that you wasted all those calories on something you weren’t completely salivating over. 

Start a food journal. Even if you’re not into counting calories, just taking the time to think about what you’re ingesting will help you be more mindful. I’ve done notebooks but right now I use the Foodplate app and I find it really useful. (don’t do the premium it’s worthless the free version works great)

Anyone who tells you should or can be losing 5 to 10 pounds a week is fucking lying to you. Unless you weigh about 600 pounds that is not feasible or healthy. At my heaviest I weighed 280 and I lost 3 pounds a week and that is what doctors recommend. If you’re losing more, you are starving yourself. It is not healthy and it is NOT sustainable. You will get frustrated and give up and gain it all back. 

Drink lots of water! There are water drinking apps. It will help you stay full, and just keep you so much healthier. I also recommend adding chia seeds to your water because that helps you feel more full. 

Okay here’s my healthy eating guide. Let me know if anyone is interested in a Gym/ Workout guide!

EDIT: I’m being an utter hypocrite here, but try to cut out diet soda. It will make you bloat which will effect when you weigh yourself. 

[genderfreezone]

Do you like the Evil Within 2?

Yeah! Certainly not as much as the first one (i was not immune to being sad they left out fan favorites Jojo and Ruvik's Cube)

The rest of this post is me rambling about things i didnt like about the game, and then things i did like (most of my issues are how they treat the female characters tbh)

Its missing kind of the action-noir-gone-horrifically-wrong feel of the first game. The scare factor also suffers bc our player character has been through this before, hes a veteran at dealing with this crazy shit, it doesnt phase him anymore and by extension it doesnt phase the player. They really like tripled down on the Evil Corporation thing and both the intrigue and horror suffer for it.

This game did not drink its respect women juice (the first one didnt really either, case in point: Everything About Kidman) Sebastian is surrounded by 5+ female characters and only 2 of them survive (and one of them is his 7 year old daughter hes spent the whole game trying to rescue... and yet they never bothered to give her any kind of characterization or agency. A highly empathetic and supernaturally powerful little girl in a monster-infested hellscape?? HELLO???? Lily really had the potential to be the most interesting, sympathetic, and complex character--especially as she slowly lost her innocence--in the WHOLE GAME, but she was just sort of relegated to Plot Device McGuffin) The rest of the female supporting cast are killed off for Sebastian's Man Pain. In fact, THIS ENTIRE GAME IS CENTERED AROUND SEBASTIAN'S MAN PAIN. Torrez is a walking stereotype, shes literally just Vasquez from Aliens. Hoffman was the most likeable and believeable, except when it Turns Out She Was In Love With Liam Or Whatever (psst, guess what, i dont care. Also O'neal was kind of a dick anyway? I dont care x2)

And you know who i SUPER dont care about? Bland-White-Bread-And-Mayo-Sandwich Myra. Where's the no-nonsense firecracker of a police lieutenant Sebastian married? Not here, thats for sure. Her entire personality is "mother" and "worries about stressed-out husband". We got more characterization of Myra in seb's jornals from the first game, where she never even made a physical appearance! Horror media does this SO MUCH, women are either A. Sexy Lamp B. Hurts Men (Sexily) C. Mother or D. Innocent Virgin. It sucks. Do better.

The story lacked the "digging up old buried memories" and "theres more to this than meets the eye" of the first game. It felt too...... Straightforward. Everyone told Sebastian the truth. EVERYTHING WAS EXACTLY WHAT IT SEEMED. It all felt too simple, too easy, like there SHOULDVE been something else beneath the surface. And yet there wasnt. (I watched markipliers playthrough and i loved his theory that Kidman was actually Lily. It had such potential. Kidman's entire resume for the police station was fabricated, who's to say the rest of her past wasnt fabricated as well? It would retcon a lot of stuff and like 80% of her backstory from the DLC, but you know games like this arent above retconning important shit, and at least it wouldve been sacrificed for something with actual intrigue. Maybe it wouldnt even retcon anything! Consider: tiny Lily is taken by Evil Corporation and dropped off in a non-nurturing environment that would lead her to become the kind of person who would willingly join & work for an organization like Mobius. At least wouldve been a nice excuse for why Kidman and Lilys face models looked so similar... other than... yknow.... "WomEN ARe hArD tO DRaWwwwwee")

Okay okay ive been ranting for long enough. It probably makes it sound like i kinda hate this game, but i dont! It certainly doesnt hold the same place in my heart as the first one (which i still have very glaring issues with lmao Kidman deserved WAAAAAAY better), but i do like it! It brings back salty, grizzled, tsundere Sebastian Castinellos. It brings back spooky monsters that kill you dead. It brings back having a fun theatrical over-the-top villain who takes himself a litte too seriously.

I love Stefano. Probably not in the way some other fans do, but i love him as a ridiculous theatrical over-the-top villain. He sucks! And i love that he sucks! I love him BECAUSE he sucks! Hes terrible and exaggerated and completely up his own ass and ITS GREAT. He isnt as ACTUALLY THREATENING as Ruvik was (even in his bad assassin's creed cosplay. I could go on and on and on about why Ruvik is simultaneously a ridiculous AND frightening antagonist and how much i love it but uh..... maybe later) but hes such a FUN villain! Hes the kind of pretentious art snob shitheel i cannot STAND irl, but in this game i LOVE to HATE him. Hes just SO over-the-top you kinda wonder if he actually subscribes to the pretentiousness he spouts, or if hes just being Exceptionally Extra.

The other villains? Theodore was.... forgettable. His monsters were forgettable. (Its like how i completely forgot that Frank Manera was a character in Whistleblower for like... 5 years lmao i guess this game also kinda followed that "having multiple named/characterized antagonists in one game" thing that Outlast did) Myra, i just didnt care. Her final design was kinda cool, i liked the red clusters of insect eyes. Her monsters werent really gross enough to be memorable. The only reson theyre gross at all is bc they kinda look like theyre made of semen. (I checked the wiki and apparently Myra's white goo is "psychoplasm" and her monsters lost 99% of their gross factor. I just dont care.) The Administrator literally just looked like a 3D human model of Maxwell from dont starve, and i have to laugh every time i see him. Hes not terribly threatening, all he does is threaten characters to work faster and doesnt actually follow through on those threats. He doesnt even make fun threats like HABIT or anything. He thinks hes so powerful and ominous that his mere presence will frighten the player but hes just kinda all bark and no bite. Hes The Big Bad Company Man so you know hes gonna get whats coming to him, and you know Kidmans gonna be the one to do it to him, so hes not even that much of a threat. Hes whatever.

Stefano definitely got all of the coolest monsters. Many Arms Buzzsaw Lady was terrifying and i love her. And OBSCURA was just *Chef's Kiss* Anima was cool, she kinda looked like a mix of Laura and Samara. The Harbingers were neat, but really only bc ive got a thing for gas masks. The rest of the monsters werent really unique or weighty/threatening enough to be memorable. Now the first game is a fucking TREASURE TROVE of unique monsters *muah* you got Sadist, Sentinel, Keeper, Amalgam, Heresy, Laura, Shigyo, the Twins, Alter Egos, and im probably forgetting some!! But holy FUCK!!!!! And if we're includong the DLC?? MOTHER FUCKING SHADE. SPOTLIGHT LADY. LIGHT WOMAN.  SEXY LEGS.  Whatever you call her, i fucking love her. Her design is so simple. Helmet. Sheet. Legs. Her voice? Unnerving as hell. Love it. (Also i just personally love the diving helmet. Also like you know how a lot of games have a spotlight mechanic where you have to avoid the light and if it lands on you, you're fucked? LET'S MAKE AN ENTIRE MONSTER OUT OF THAT. She's PERFECT.) Oh and also those weird crawling exploding dudes. They made gross sounds and it was great. (Tbh Keepers still probably my favorite, if only for horny reasons)

TATIANA HOW HAVE I NOT FUCKING TALKED ABOUT TATIANA. Shes like the ONE female character that i fucking LOVE in the sequel. I love how they finally gave her a personality, and that personality is literally just "fuck you, Sebastian" Oh GOD its great shes SO FUNNY. I just.... god i love Tatiana lmao. I love how she makes you kinda uncomfortable too, like she knows something, but she wont tell you bc youre stupid. I didn't like the kind of "all-knowing guide" thing they did to try and make her creepy (like she's a "guide" but then also turns around and is like "no i wont tell you what you need to know bc you """have to discover it on your own""" or whatever") it serves no purpose since she never gave you any actual information, and it didn't succeed in making her creepier, all it did was frustrate me. She was at her creepiest when she IMPLIED she was doing something behind the scenes or knew something you didn't know and then didn't elaborate (not REFUSING to elaborate, just... stopping talking and leaving the statement to hang in the air, like the "getting her nails done" and "its been a long time, detective" and the "now what makes you say that" from the first game) and she was at her funniest when she was interacting with Sebastian from the sidelines, her snide little comments and sarcastic clapping cracked me the fuck up. Tatiana not treating Sebastian seriously was a fantastic touch for a game that otherwise would probably take itself so seriously it would double back around to being silly. Without Tatiana, it would've been just another male-centric gun-toting "survival horror" game, and for the most part, it was just that. She was definitely a much-needed source of slightly derisive comedy and a definite high-point for me, even if they didn't so a great job of making her creepy or fulfilling her "purpose."

Oh I also really love the COLORS in TEW2. The first game fell into the trap of having the colors be totally washed out that a lot of horror stuff does, but it also kind of worked for it. Especially with the color pallette of our main villain and how the whole thing was His World. The saturation of the colors in the second game is a breath of fresh air and gorgeous to look at, and you can even see the color motifs of the game change with each new villain: the game starts out with Stephano has lots of blues and purples and dark reds, when Theodore takes over we get bright orange and yellow contrasted with black and brown, and in the climax with Myra the game goes back to having washed out colors and white (and with her villain design? Let's face it: they were kinda just trying to do Ruvik again) We did get portions that were still kind of wahed out whites and greens and greys, but it wasnt the ENTIRE game, even the big blood-and-brains splatterhouse sections of the first game kinda had their colors weirdly muted for that "Horror Aethetic."

In conclusion, i do like the evil within 2, but i also had a lot of problems with it. And i complain about these problems because i like the game and know it couldve done better, tried harder, and been a LOT more than it was (the wasted character potential is my real overarching pet peeve, probably becuase i loved the characters in the first game, and character development is kind of my whole jam) . But all in all, it was still a fun monster-zombie romp with at least one entertaining villain and fun-to-look-at designs and environments. It wasn't character or horror or even REALLY story driven in the way I know it COULDVE been, but i still had a fun time and enjoyed myself.

[ciaossu-imagines]

Ok, for Sanzo, Goku, Gojyo and Hakkai: what do you think are their dirty secrets? 😁 Guilty pleasures? Embarrassing habits? Secret fantasies (sfw/NSFW, doesn't matter!)? Love you so much and I'm so excited for the new blog changes! ❤️

Oh, this is such an interesting ask! Thanks so much for sending it in and I hope you’ll enjoy the headcanons! They’re not the best (I’m still getting back into the swing of things) but I had fun writing them and hope they’re fun for the readers as well!

Genjo Sanzo

When he’s running really low on smokes and hasn’t had a chance to (or is just too lazy to) go get some more, he’ll just start taking them from Gojyo’s pack when Gojyo isn’t looking. Gojyo though never actually notices and just chalks it up to him smoking more than he’s realizing he is. Sanzo has to be pretty desperate for him to start doing this though as Gojyo’s brand of choice is cheap and Sanzo thinks they taste gross.

Sanzo has a lot of guilty pleasures, most of them unhealthy - smoking, beer, gambling. However, he’s also really fond of mayo and he’d put it on most of his food if he could.

Sanzo has a habit of forgetting people’s names. And sometimes people. Doesn’t really matter how often he’s interacted with them. If he’s not terribly invested, he’s been known to completely forget about them, which leads to some…interesting…situations.

Sanzo doesn’t really fantasize about much. The closest thing he gets to a fantasy is the desperate hope for some peace and quiet. Just one day, one full day of peace, with no noisy idiots interrupting it. He likes to think about it sometimes but honestly, he’d have no idea what to do with himself if he ever got that full day.

Sanzo actually has more sexual fantasies than he has actual sex. Not that that’s hard, considering that he doesn’t really have sex. The thing is that although he doesn’t actually like being touched, he does find the idea of sex interesting and does like the idea of being touched or doing the touching. He’s got urges, though few and far between (his libido is extremely low) and he definitely has at least masturbated before.

Son Goku

Goku likes peeing outside. He doesn’t even understand why he does but he does. It’s just a weird little quirk of his. 

Goku has tried on, when none of the others were anywhere nearby, these shoes he saw advertised in a shop that were supposed to make men look taller. He probably would’ve bought a pair if they weren’t so expensive and hard to walk in. 

Goku talks with his mouth full all the time. He really doesn’t give a shit honestly, though he’ll try to stop whenever he gets scolded about it (normally by Gojyo). He doesn’t stop for very long though and honestly, he’s pretty easy to understand, even through a mouth full of half-chewed food.

Goku likes to imagine what things will be like after the journey is over - it’s what most of his fantasies revolve around. He likes travelling, don’t get him wrong, but…the journey is difficult and harsh and not always something he enjoys. Sometimes he just likes to close his eyes and imagine it all over, to imagine him and Sanzo back at a monastery, with frequent trips to visit Gojyo and Hakkai. Everything’s beautiful and nothing hurts.

Sexually speaking, Goku doesn’t have a lot of experience. It’s something he develops an interest in quite late in his life and he’s still figuring out himself sexually. He’s actually going to be open to a lot more because of that but he doesn’t actively go and seek out anything kinky himself - he’s pretty simple in all parts of his life after all, including sex.

Cho Hakkai

Hakkai doesn’t really like most people. Sure, he smiles and is polite and nice. Doesn’t mean he’s not judging everyone around him silently though.

Guilty pleasures

Hakkai is the person who will correct people’s bad grammar. It doesn’t matter if they’re a stranger - if they’re talking to him, he just ends up correcting their grammar. It’s more embarrassing to the other person most of the time though.

Hakkai has a great imagination and he likes to daydream and fantasize. Unfortunately, while his fantasies are beautiful ones, they’re also destructive to him, as he most often fantasizes about Kanan. Her still being alive, none of it ever happening. They’re still living together and they’re so happy.

Hakkai is the ultimate switch. He has no problem with letting his lover take complete control of him. In fact, he finds it really hot to have them use him as a breathing sex toy. However, he finds it just as hot to dominate his partner. However, he’s never a rough dom. He’s more of an authoritative dom - he likes the idea of teaching and taking care of his partner sexually. He’s very gentle and frequent with praise as a dom but is very particular and will insist on his partner getting things exactly right - even after over-stimulation is happening or even to the point where they’re begging and pleading for release that he hasn’t given them yet.

Sha Gojyo

Gojyo doesn’t do much in the way of housework. He’s actually gone out and bought new cups or bowls at points simply because he couldn’t be bothered to wash the dirty ones that were filling up his sink. After Hakkai moves in with him, his house gets a lot cleaner and he doesn’t resort to things like that anymore but that’s entirely because of Hakkai and not Gojyo.

It’s not something he gets to indulge in much anymore, not after Hakkai moved in and not after the journey started, but Gojyo’s main guilty pleasure (at least, his main guilty pleasure that isn’t sexual in nature) is definitely getting drunk, going to bed so late that it’s early, and then sleeping until supper-time. Just marathoning sleep, getting a solid 12 hours straight in at the very least. Sleep is fucking precious and Gojyo knows it.

Gojyo air drums along to music whenever the radio’s on and the song is really catchy. He doesn’t even realize he’s doing it half the time unless someone calls him out on it.

Gojyo, as opposed to Hakkai, isn’t very creative and imaginative and he doesn’t daydream or fantasize often. He’ll do things like visualize himself winning a poker game when he sits down to play or imagine conversations between himself and women (which all go amazingly well) before he approaches them to hit on them - he’s more the type to fantasize about good things happening when he goes to try things.

Sexually speaking, Gojyo has a lot of little quirks and pleasures and a shit-ton of dirty fantasies. There’s very little that he would put a hard no to. AS far as quirks goes, he has to have a smoke after sex. It just adds to the hazy, lazy afterglow. He also doesn’t really like spending the full night with a lover since mornings after are usually awkward.

[colorsinautumn]

this is a banana and mayo sandwich stan blog

mayo is fucking gross what’s wrong with you

🌜sleepover with me🌛 (rant to me, tell me about your crush, send song recs, tell me about your day, ask for advice, whatever you like!)