#maybe you are better off without ever knowing me
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You’ve been at this for a while- years. Hundreds of happy couples made under your guidance. You’ve learned a few things over the years, some people don’t have those threads yet. Maybe for infants they’re just not born yet, or for others maybe something needs to change in their future soulmate before they would be ready. You’ve seen people holding hands while each of their strings runs off in different directions. You swear you’ve seen a few people whose soulmates switch almost every week. Even asexual or aromantic people had one, they simply led them to someone who would be special to them, content to live with but no need to love. After all, no one truly wants to be alone. But one thing always remained the same… they had one. You waited and waited and waited, but you never were able to see those strings wrapped around your own fingers like everyone else’s. Leading soulmates together always had a rather violently bittersweet taste, knowing that you might never get to feel that same sweet sensation that they must all get when they realize how well things worked out. One day, a rather simple looking lady walked through your business’s door also without strings attached to her fingers. You were shocked
“Excuse me,” she started, “I heard this would be the place where people can always find their special someone?” She asked
You gave your usual business monologue: “well you heard correct! Here we have a near 100% success rate that every person we guide to another will live their happily ever after.”
The woman chuckled, you raised an eyebrow, “it’s funny,” she laughed again, you felt something in your chest, “I did the same thing for so many others back home, but could never find someone for me.”
Your heart skipped a beat. It was late so no one else was in the building. “Ma’am, could you come to the desk, please?” You asked, trying to hide the frantic tone in your voice
“Ah, of course!” She came forward
You leaned in and asked “can you see strings on people’s fingers that lead them to others?” Trying to sound as serious as possible so she knows you’re not joking
“Wh- I,” she stammered, “how did you know!?”
“Because I can do the same thing. And no matter how long I waited… I could never see strings on my own hands, and I can’t see them on your’s”
She was dead silent for a moment, she kept glancing between your hand, your face, and her hands. “Oh my… you’re right… I don’t believe it!”
“Well, it’s almost closing time for me, so how about I make you my last client for the day. Would you care to go for a walk? The travel must have been long and my desk is rather cramped. Plus, I know a really good place to grab dinner around here.” You stood up and held out your hand, she took it with a soft shake. Her hands were softer than you expected, she took better care of herself than her other features let on.
The two of you left your business as you locked up the building and began your walk, both of you hopeful that maybe, finally, you found your special someone.
Some say that an invisible red string is tied around the fingers of soulmates meant to be together forever. As it turns out, you can see these red strings, and have therefore created a highly successful matchmaking business.
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'call it what you want.' | l.h x reader
pairings: logan howlett x sway!reader
tags: fluff, no established relationship but.. there's something there, mutant!reader (they call her sway due to her mutation.. i love her i wanna talk ab her someone PLEASE ASK AB HER), AFAB reader, she/her pronouns used for reader, no specific petnames for reader (just bub and her hero name.. gets called kid like twice), no use of y/n, written with x1/x2 logan in mind... sigh... save me x2 logan.. anyway, he gives reader his dog tags before a mission in case he.. you know.. so maybe angst? but only til the very end.
wc: 2k!!
a/n: OKAY SO BOOM! this is my first actual work that's not a drabble and i'm so anxious to post AAHHH, i got the inspo from a post i saw a while ago while fried as fuck from someone requesting a fic ab logan giving reader his dog tags, pref fluffy and angsty so i hope i did ur vision justice OP!! tysm for inspo, my reqs are always open 🫶🏻 also i know this is a very burnt card but if something in the wording is off lmk PLEASEE english isn't my first language 😭 anyway enough yapping plz enjoy!! any type of interaction is appreciated
'just know these are yours now.'
you've never seen him without his dog tags, he never took them off, not ever since the first time he came into the mansion. you'd been there the first time, you were a teacher in the school, and you'd seen him occasionally roam the halls and stay by the door, listening in on your class, quietly. but very rarely interacted otherwise, just a simple nod or a 'good morning' that he'd return out of good manners, but he'd mostly keep to himself.
you're a teacher. you're the fun teacher. at least that's what your coworkers seemed to agree upon, seeing how your students appeared to leave your classroom more cheerful than they entered. you'd be lying if you said you didn't use your mutation as an advantage in this situation, being able to read your students' moods every day, how they were feeling and why came insanely handy, especially when it came to giving each student the type of care they needed. which is why you were also a student counselor.
on the days you didn't teach, you'd put that psych degree to work and counsel. in your classroom filled with drawings and fairy lights and stained glass that looked straight from a fairytale, and a door you'd lock for privacy as a student came to confide in you.
obviously despite your title, it wasn't only students who'd come to your office to let a feeling go, teachers too, needed a space to blow off some steam, cry a little sometimes, because they knew you'd soothe them in the end, touch your hand feel the pain dissipate, make it seem as if they'd never felt that way.
up until now, only teachers and students seemed to come to you for help. teachers. and students.
so it did surprise you when the wolverine started showing up in your office after coming back.
"must be tiring. to handle others' emotions like your own all day." he'd say, sitting down on a chair, to which you'd playfully roll your eyes and shake your head. "i don't treat them as my own, i just do what i have to do so they feel better." you'd reply, walking towards the door to lock it out of policy. figured that he was here for counseling as well.
"you treat everyone with so much care it seems like it." he said, which made you stop in your tracks, turning heel to face him, your hair cascading on your shoulders and moving ever so softly as you spun. before you could speak, stunned, he asked again.
"don't you get tired? i mean mentally. it must take a toll on you to be around so many emotions all the time." the way he seemed to read you stunned you, he seemed like a very gruff, cold person from the brief interactions you'd had with him before. truth be told, this was the closest you'd been to logan since he came back to the mansion. it's what other people thought of him, anyway.
but you weren't other people, you were different.
the feeling in your body when you perceive others emotions is strange. you could never put it into words. your mutation was mostly contact based, a small brush of the hand was enough to let you know that person's feelings, the reason behind them, what they needed to feel better and it made it easier to help everyone. you could, however, see and feel the emotions, sometimes even smell them if they were too strong, no need for contact necessary.
with logan, you almost didn't need to be in the same room as him to feel the amount of physical, mental, emotional strain he was constantly under, his superhuman body subconsciously tuning it out, making him oblivious to it. once, after a very dangerous mission, he isolated himself in his room for days, his expression cold and unfazed, but every time you'd walk past an area he was in, the emotions hit you like a truck. so strong you even cried over pain that wasn't yours, a life you hadn't lived.
you looked at him sympathetically, taking a deep breath to concentrate less on the seemingly invisible fog around you two as you sat on the chair, your expression calm and collected. "i'm okay, i promise. thank you, logan."
"like hell you are." "neither are you."
he stays quiet at your retaliation, a weak smile forming on his lips, letting you understand that you were right, not that you needed confirmation.
sometimes, when emotions overpower you, you feel compelled to speak, give words of reassurance, even if you didn't quite know if they'd help or not. "logan, you should let people into your heart, stop living in fear.." you blurted out, unsure of why you were telling him this, but you'd learned to not question it and just speak, because it helped to just hear the words sometimes. it certainly did get you a reaction from logan, as the overbearing feelings you were perceiving faded.. briefly, before they slowly crept back into vision.
it was the faintest of reactions, but a reaction at least.
he nodded, taking in the words silently, as if he were contemplating. you remained stoic, analyzing his demeanor out of pure habit. "did.. you come here for counseling?" you asked, suddenly aware that you were still working, and you weren't even sure if he was here for another reason, or if he did need your help. instead, he shook his head, looking at you as if he were conducting an analysis of his own.
"nah, just came to see you.. sway."
a knock on the door interrupted the brewing tension, a gloomy, childlike presence behind the door, to which you looked at logan apologetically. "i'm sorry logan, i have a student to attend.. but think about what i said." you spoke softly, your warm voice reverberating in his ears like a hug.. something he longed for but couldn't bring himself to ask.
you started seeing him around the classroom more, or rather, he started seeking you out more. in between breaks, before his training, during counseling. it got to a point where your children started greeting him hello and goodbye if he was in the classroom, interacting with him, playing with his hair, always styled like kitty ears. the way he just smiled and let them made something in you bloom, a feeling you couldn't recognize in yourself, but it was pink and warm and fuzzy all over. you couldn't help but wonder if he felt about you this way, too.
slowly, you noticed how, little by little, the gloomy cloud surrounding him would go away when he entered the classroom, how it would be replaced with a pink haze when he looked into your eyes, or made you laugh.. it would quickly fade away, but you'd notice, and noticed how much it resembled that feeling inside you: pink and warm and fuzzy all over.
as time went by, you got used to seeing him around, swinging by your classroom as if it was his haven, a small break from the world he knew, because you were in it. you'd be lying if you said he didn't make you day too, the gloomy atmosphere that once came along with him every time he entered your classroom slowly changing into a lilac haze.
one day, he showed up as the kids were leaving for the day, no colored cloud, but something seemed off. you invited him to sit down as he locked the door after getting in, his expression serene. before you could even speak his hands were on you, pulling you close to him in a hug, and you swore you could feel him shaking slightly. the realization hits you like a bucket of cold water and you just hold him tighter to you, since it feels like the only correct thing to do.
"you're scared."
"no one gets to see me like this, so feel special." said he, almost as if he was confiding a secret in you, which he was.
"oh, trust me, i feel quite special." you replied jokingly, which caused him to let out a chuckle, though it was dull and almost no feeling was tied to it.
you two let go and you asked him what was wrong, and he opened up like it was routine.
"i leave tomorrow. there's a mission out of state and they're asking me to go.. might be off the grid after that for a while." he explained, his voice remained calm but his eyes seemed to reveal to you more of how he was actually feeling.
"i dunno.. thought someone should've known in case.. things go south." your expression changed at that, and logan noticed. "ah, c'mon bub, change that frown, it's just reality. sure, i might be a piece of work to kill but it doesn't mean i can't die."
the silence that fell upon the classroom as you two finished speaking made the words fall with more weight into your heart, it did little to nothing to comfort you as you came to terms with what he said. it shouldn't have been hard - he was just stating a fact -, but it didn't mean that it didn't cut deep for you. you opened your mouth to speak, unsure of what you were even going to say, but he quickly cut you off.
"logan-" "listen, bub, you told me to start letting people into my heart.. i'm letting you in."
slowly, his hands went to unclasp the chain that always dangled on his neck, dog tags adorning his neck with his names, his identities. you looked in awe as he held them out to you. "gimme your hand, kid." and surprisingly, you did as you were told, holding your hand out as he placed the piece on your hand, feeling the cold metal clink softly as it fell and heat up under the temperature of your palm. you looked up at him, unsure of what it meant, of what this changed between you two, but it felt undeniable, even if unspoken.
“now, these.. they’re very special, bub. a reminder of everything that happened that led to here.. and it’s leading me to you right now.” he explained. “feels right for you to have them, i guess.. keep them safe, kid.”
the silence that fell between you two again was more comfortable, filled with a newfound tension that left much to question, but it didn’t feel right to interrupt with all that noise yet. the only sound filling the room was the breathing and a faint humming of the white noise machine you kept in your room, next by the door. you opened up your mouth again, your mind utterly blank and filled with thoughts and questions at the same time, unsure of which one was going to breach through your mind to materialize out in the cold, tense air.
“.. why me? trust me, i’m flattered, but i’m no one special, logan..” you questioned, and it made him frown.
“you are special. you're special to me.” your eyes widened at the confession and you watched as a soft smile settled on his face, one that made your heart flutter with the sheer tenderness he held in his gaze. “call it what you want.. just know these are yours now.” he said it so calmly, you wouldn't have tought he was handing you his heart, placing it in soft, tender hands and pleading you to not break it, not change it, and instead embrace it and accept it as it came, rough around the edges.
with that, he stood up from the chair, took your hand to squeeze it briefly, and walked out of the room, not before looking back at you one last time, the heaviness that he carried as he entered the room seemingly gone, all that you could perceive was a haze, all too familiar, one that left as quick as it came as his eyes met yours.
pink, warm, and fuzzy all over.
additional author's note: BOOM SHAKALAKA I POSTED FINALLY!! i think it's a little rushed BUT!! it's cause i have a (smutty) part 2 planned for this HEHEJEHE i don't like writing (or reading) series bcs i get sad when they end but i just might.... hehehe... anyway pls lmk what u think!! or i kill off logan 🥰🥰 your choice 🥰🥰
taglist: @allen-444
#made by: serae ♡#serae finally fucking posts#logan howlett x reader#logan howlett#wolverine x reader#wolverine#logan howlett x you#logan howlett x mutant reader#logan wolverine#logan x reader#logan howlet x reader#logan howlett fic#logan howlett fanfiction#logan howlett imagine#wolverine x you#wolverine xmen#wolverine x oc#wolverine fanfiction#wolverine fic#logan howlett fluff#marvel x reader#marvel xmen#marvel x you#x men#x men fanfiction#x men x reader
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Will had hope ... and then lost it.
He had hope that maybe, just maybe, Mike and he felt the same way. And I think it started here:
Mike expressed relief at the idea of Will not joining another party. And Will's look seems ... surprised but joyful? Like he's picking up on Something the audience is not.
Then we have this:
I know a lot of people say he meant this in a friendship way. But I don't think he did entirely. I think he was 'testing the waters' so to speak, to see Mike's reaction to him asking something like this so forwardly--an action driven in part, possibly, also by frustration. Of course their friendship was his priority but he was also Sending Mike a Message. Speaking in code, if you will. And I'm not sure if Mike picked up on it or not, but he knew what he was doing when he used the word 'us'.
Then of course we have Mike's speech to Will in episode 4. The way he slightly tilts his head to the side inquisitively after Mike said 'It's Hawkins, it's not the same without you', as if he's thinking "am I dreaming? Is he really saying this?" And not to be meta but he might even be wondering if he's being delusional here.
On top of that, the speech prompted him to gather the courage to do this:
hope again. But then his arc culminated in this:
Will's facial expressions when Mike is self-depricating ... he seems so sad. In the second one, even Mike notices and cuts himself off to apologize for bringing up this subject.
I think he, sadly, realized Mike did feel the same way as him, but not in the way he had initially hoped. Mike, like him, is struggling with not feeling good enough for the person he loves.
And Will did not want Mike to feel the same way he did. So he did what we saw him do and give the painting to Mike, which symbolizes his love for DnD, for what they do together, for their friend group, for him. His intention here was to make Mike feel better. Important. Seen. Even at the cost of his own heartbreak.
"Every smile you fake, I'll be watching you."
So to recap, at the beginning of the season, Will had been acting weird and painting for someone he liked ( according to El ). We find out very quickly that the recipient of the painting was intended to be Mike. I don't think Will ever intended for the painting to be a full blown love confession--but a start. A continuation of the 'hint dropping' they started doing at the end of S3. But of course, the whole world went to shit, and his feelings got amplified to the point where the painting's meaning took a different turn. And it became the basis of a veiled love confession.
I think this is devastating because the narrative forced them, once again, down a different path from the natural progression this would've been had Mike been allowed to enjoy a nice spring break in California.
I do believe by the end of S4, Will has completely lost the last vestiges of hope he had left that Mike would ever reciprocate his feelings, especially after Mike's love confession. I think he feels stupid for even allowing himself to believe there was a chance.
I mean, look at him. And, terrifyingly, I feel like that is exactly where Vecna needs him to be at the start of S5.
Sprinkle in some #birthdaygate and voila ... we have the perfect recipe for a horrible Vecna vision.
I don't know how they'll resolve this, but it does feel to me that the intention of Will's S4 arc was to get him to a point of loss of hope, which signifies the death of his dream.
Going into S5, he probably sees this dream now as stupid and childish--an impossibility. Adding to this, there's no way in hell Will is going to confess. Not when this happened and it was never resolved.
The ball is on Mike's court, for better or for worse.
And I think this is also another plot twist we will find out through Vecna: the fact that Will had hope that he and Mike could be together and felt the same way. And that honestly makes whatever Vecna does to Will 10 times worse because if Will had NEVER had hope, then there's nothing new there. But having hope and then having it crushed to the ground? Yeah ... my heart hurts as I type this.
#byler#byler analysis#and does this mean byler endgame? I really freaking hope it does bc maybe Will's dream needs to be restored or changed in some way for the#story to be resolved. I keep going back to how his emotional arc ties the whole show together and this might be a piece of the puzzle.
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Day ten of “obligatory sugar baby Kon” behind the cut. tw: implications of past grooming/abuse and the inherent problems that causes for someone who was in that situation and hasn’t processed it trying to have a relationship with someone actually age-appropriate. prev: (( chrono || non-chrono ))
“I mean–it’s nice,” Kon says, smiling just as helplessly into his collar and keeping his eyes on the sidewalk as they walk. “Just, you know, it’s not the kinda stuff you usually get me. Like–it’s just, you know–pretty, or whatever. It’s not for anything. Like, I can’t wear it for you and it’s not, you know, food or a game or anything.”
Tim did not actually realize that he hadn't bought Kon anything that didn't count as “useful” yet, though given the video games and candy and jewelry he's pretty sure they just have different definitions of what “useful” actually is. Also he needs to take a moment to not burn alive over Kon saying the phrase “wear it for you” again, which definitely takes the full moment, because Jesus Christ.
That has not gotten any less affecting, yeah.
“Oh, I guess,” he says in his best imitation of a normal person's normal voice. “I didn't really think about that. I just thought you might like it, so I got it for you.”
Kon somehow finds a new shade of red to turn that honestly might actually be a Kryptonian-related one, considering the intensity of it. It is, unfortunately, cute as fuck.
“I mean, I do like buying you clothes and stuff, obviously. You look really nice in that outfit, for one,” Tim says, and Kon glances away again, still smiling helplessly and still just as red-faced. He really does blush so easy. It’s weird, Tim thinks, given how much flirting he does. But maybe Kon’s just the “can dish it out but can’t take it” type, he guesses.
Alternately, maybe people just aren’t complimenting him as often as he deserves and he's not used to hearing it.
. . . Tim makes a mental note to pencil in some affirmations in Young Justice’s next training session and also to buy Kon even more flowers than he was already planning to. Flowers that come with little hand-written cards that say nice things about him, specifically.
“You better think I look nice in it, pretty boy,” Kon says, biting his lip around another grin. “If I didn’t know better, I’d think you wanted me all fancied up.”
“I mean, don’t get me wrong, I liked the crop top too,” Tim allows, and Kon bursts into laughter and then lets go of his jacket collar and just–beams at him, actually. Just–literally actually beams, brighter than anything in Gotham that doesn’t run on electricity.
Tim manages not to step off the sidewalk into traffic by Robin-reflexes alone and literally nothing else.
Jesus, that expression.
“I like, uh–that,” Kon says, and then blushes a little darker again. “Um–I mean, I like that you, uh . . . like to get me stuff you think I look good in. Uh. I don’t know how to say this without it sounding weird, fuck, just–just I like it.”
“Oh,” Tim says. The warehouse district in his brain is a lost cause; the fire has officially spread to the docks and across downtown. His mental Gotham is going the way of 1871 Chicago, he’s pretty sure. “Uh–um, good. I’m glad.”
“It’s just, um–I dunno, it’s just nice to look nice for somebody,” Kon murmurs a little bit shyly, tugging his jacket collar up over his mouth again but still obviously smiling behind it. Tim isn’t sure if that’s a line of thought he should be concerned by after the kind of things Kon was saying earlier, if–“Instead of, you know. For everybody.”
. . . Tim decides that actually, never mind the concern. Kon can look as good for him as he wants to, if what Kon’s used to is being stuck having to look good for some stupid ad campaign or magazine shoot or what the frick ever. And like–it’s not like he has a problem with Kon wanting to wear things he thinks he’ll like. That is pretty much the opposite of a problem for him, in fact.
It probably explains the makeup, too. There were definitely not any ad campaigns with glitter eyeliner or nail polish involved.
. . . not that Tim’s seen all the ad campaigns or anything, just–
Alright, fine, he’s seen all the ad campaigns. That’s just Bat SOP, alright? And definitely only Bat SOP.
#timkon#tim drake#kon el#conner kent#dc robin#superboy#wip: obligatory sugar baby kon#implied past grooming#implied past abuse
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reblogging comment review by @zyafics
ok i can't contain myself to write so i will be reading (sorry for all the tiktoks send over dms hahaha) ⬇️
He hated physical therapy, but what he hated more was sitting on the sidelines, watching his teammates on the ice while he was stuck on a cushioned table with resistance bands and an overenthusiastic sports medic, with hair pulled into a no-nonsense ponytail and a pair of blue scrubs that somehow still looked cute on you.
always obsessed with your descriptions and im grinning so hard knowing that's ME hehehe
It was kind of cute, the way you tried so hard to keep things strictly professional between the two of you.
NOT FOR LONG I READ THE WARNING
He liked the way you said his name—like you were in control, like you were the one calling the shots. It was refreshing.
my dom girlyyy
You weren’t the kind of girl to fall for a player, especially one with a reputation like Rafe’s. Besides, you were already with someone. Logan—the clean-cut, dependable defenseman from a rival school. You’d been together for over a year, and things were great.
SCREAMINGGGGGGGGGG (muffled behind a pillow)
He grinned, like a stupidly in love sick puppy, unbothered by the jab. “Maybe that’s why I like you so much.”
me rn: login who???
"Good guy?" he interrupted, raising an eyebrow. "I don’t think I’ve ever heard someone describe me like that."
im so giddily rn, their banter is TOP TIER
“Logan’s a lucky guy.”
OH I SPELT IT WRONG LOLLLLL
He hated Logan more than he hated the pain in his knee.
🤭 im like a schoolgirl rn
“Did he hurt you?” His voice was low, a dangerous edge to it that he usually kept hidden. “Because if he did, I swear to God—”
imma be so honest i thought WE were gonna be cheating but i guess HE'S cheating that scumbag
“He’s not worth you,” Rafe said softly, stepping closer, his anger replaced by something gentler, “You deserve better than that. Way better.”
I KNOW so give me that dick 😁
Rafe’s knee had healed remarkably well, and now the day had arrived: his first game back on the ice. As it drew near, a strange sense of anxiety creeped in. Your life had become so closely tied to Rafe’s recovery over the past few months that the thought of him no longer needing your help—or your company—left you with an unsettling emptiness.
i need him to SLAM into logan ohmygod
He skates straight at Logan, not bothering with any pretense. If Logan wants to play dirty, he is more than ready to play dirtier. Logan barely has time to react before Rafe drops his gloves, his intent crystal clear.
LET'S FUCKING GOOOO
You don’t let him finish. Instead, you grab the front of his jersey and pull him down to your level, crashing your lips against his with a force that takes him completely off guard.
ANGRY MAKEOUT SESSION LETS GOOO
You break away just long enough to breathe, your lips brushing against his as you whisper, “You’re such a fucking idiot.”
“Been waiting for over an hour to do that,” you breathe.
oh im horny
“Then do it again,” he murmurs, “Do whatever the hell you want to me.”
oh HE'S horny
Rafe lets out a low, almost guttural sound as you rock your hips against him, the pressure making him tighten his grip on you, holding you in place as he grounds himself against you. The sensation makes your breath hitch, a needy whimper escaping your lips that only spurs him on.
ok im at a cafe, reading this smut on my 14'' screen where everyone can surely see. let me pack up and go home and i'll be back to react.
“Fucking idiot,” you whisper again, your voice rough with desire as you nip at his bottom lip, pulling it between your teeth before soothing the bite with your tongue.
I'M BACK
Without another word, he pulls you toward the locker room, his grip firm and unyielding as he leads you through the maze of benches and lockers. Your heart races as he pushes open the door to the showers, the sound of the water echoing off the tile walls. The room is empty, the air thick with steam, and the second you step inside, he’s pouncing on you. Clothes are gone in the blink of an eye.
Oh. My. God. this is so fucking hot what the FUCK
Rafe nearly passes out from the sight. Watching himself disappear inside you has to be his favorite sight in the entire world.
it's me, but THAT SHOULD BE ME!!!!!!
"Cameron? You in here, man?" Rafe freezes, his body tense, his cock still buried deep inside you as he glances toward the door, his breath ragged.
IM GRINNING my favorite part of public sex smut is the fact they're almost caught hahahahaa
He chuckles softly, his thumb brushing over your cheek as he looked down at you with a mixture of affection and desire. "Yeah, but I’m your fucking idiot."
my baby my baby my babyyy
final thoughts—i'm obsessed with this. ur writing. you. ohmygod, as always, the first thing that comes to my head is your descriptions. when you were describing reader, the medical training, the equipment and the environment, i always feel so immersed by your vocabulary and imagery. next, the fucking BANTER, oh you got me clutching my chest, giggling in the middle of a cafe. thank god no one was looking over my screen. but truly, i love how lowkey smitten rafe is with reader. he's always in love with her before the story truly begins and i love how much softer this version of rafe is. don't get me wrong, he's possessive and a beast on the ice, but something about him is so baby girl. thank you, gigi, for doing my request justice, i swear i want more!!!!
looking like motivation - hockey!r.c (+18)
requested by my #1 @zya4lifers
warnings: meantions of cheating; SMUT.
Rafe’s day started the same way it had for the last two months: with a groan of pain that shot up from his knee and settled into his mood like a stubborn storm cloud.
He hated physical therapy, but what he hated more was sitting on the sidelines, watching his teammates on the ice while he was stuck on a cushioned table with resistance bands and an overenthusiastic sports medic, with hair pulled into a no-nonsense ponytail and a pair of blue scrubs that somehow still looked cute on you.
At least that was what he thought when he first met you.
But two weeks in, his hatred had morphed into something else entirely, something way more complicated. He wasn’t sure when it happened—maybe when he caught you singing quietly along with the radio while taping up his knee, or when you’d given him that first, honest-to-God smile that wasn’t out of politeness but genuine amusement at some stupid joke he’d made. And he made a lot of those.
Now, sitting on that same damn table, Rafe found himself looking forward to PT in a way that had nothing to do with his injury. You walked in, clipboard in hand, looking as professional as always. It was kind of cute, the way you tried so hard to keep things strictly professional between the two of you. Rafe knew he got under your skin—hell, he made sure of it. He could tell by the way your eyes flicked up to meet his for just a second longer than necessary before you quickly looked away. You tried to be cool, but he knew better.
“Alright, Cameron. How’s the knee today?”
He put on his best wounded-puppy face. “Terrible. I might never skate again.”
“Shut up.”
“And I could be better,” Rafe drawled, his lips curling into that signature smirk. “But seeing you always helps.”
You rolled your eyes, but he saw the faintest hint of a smile tugging at the corner of your mouth. “You say that every time.”
“And I mean it every time,” he shot back, winking at you.
You tried to ignore him, busying yourself with adjusting the equipment. “Let’s focus on your knee, alright?”
“Whatever you say, Doc,” Rafe said, stretching out on the table with a lazy grin.
You rolled your eyes, but the corners of your mouth twitched up. “We’ve got to work on your pain tolerance.”
He couldn’t resist. “If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you were trying to keep me on my toes.”
Finally, you looked up, your expression deadpan. “And if I didn’t know any better, I’d say you were trying to avoid actually doing your therapy, Cameron.”
Touché.
He liked the way you said his name—like you were in control, like you were the one calling the shots. It was refreshing.
The first few minutes of the session passed in relative silence as you guided him through the exercises, your hands expertly working his injured knee. Rafe winced, but it wasn’t all from the pain. It was from trying to resist the urge to say something that might actually cross the line. But resisting wasn’t really his style.
“So, what’s your boyfriend up to this weekend?” Rafe asked, his voice casual, but his eyes sharp, watching your reaction.
You weren’t the kind of girl to fall for a player, especially one with a reputation like Rafe’s. Besides, you were already with someone. Logan—the clean-cut, dependable defenseman from a rival school. You’d been together for over a year, and things were great.
You looked up at him, a little caught off guard. “Out of town.”
Rafe snorted, unable to help himself. “Figures.”
You frowned, straightening up to give him a look. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
Rafe shrugged, feigning innocence. “Nothing.”
“He’s busy,” you said defensively.
“Too busy for you?” he pushed, his tone dripping with faux concern. “That’s a shame. If you were mine, I’d make time.”
You gave him an unimpressed look, “I’m sure you would.”
“You don’t think I would?”
“I think you’ve already got your hands full with the cheerleading team.”
He liked to pretend you sounded jealous and not critical.
Rafe chuckled, the sound low and rumbling in his chest. “Cheerleaders are fun and all, but they’re not really my type.”
Okay, that was half a lie, but in his defense, he hadn’t slept with anyone on the cheer squad since sophomore year.
You raised an eyebrow, feigning disinterest as you adjusted the strap on his knee brace. “And what exactly is your type, Cameron?”
He leaned in slightly, his voice dropping to a flirtatious whisper. “Complicated. Smart. Gorgeous.”
You didn’t miss a beat, even as your pulse quickened. “So, basically the opposite of you?”
He grinned, like a stupidly in love sick puppy, unbothered by the jab. “Maybe that’s why I like you so much.”
You shook your head, trying to hide the smile threatening to break through. “You’re relentless, you know that?”
“Only when it comes to you,” he replied smoothly, his eyes locked on yours.
There was no denying the chemistry, no matter how hard you tried to ignore it. But you were with someone else, someone who, despite his flaws, you cared about. Still, Rafe made it hard to remember why you were trying to resist in the first place.
“Rafe, we really should focus on your PT,” you said, trying to steer the conversation back to safer territory.
“Trust me, I am focusing,” he replied, his tone suggesting he wasn’t talking about his knee.
You rolled your eyes, standing up straighter to put some distance between you.
“Right. Well, you need to focus on this next exercise. We’re going to work on your range of motion.”
He sighed dramatically but didn’t argue, watching you with a lazy smile as you moved to demonstrate the exercise. He couldn’t help but admire the way you carried yourself—confident, knowledgeable, and completely fucking beautiful. It was a challenge, and Rafe Cameron loved a challenge.
As you guided his leg through the motion, your hands firm but gentle, Rafe couldn’t resist pushing a little more. “You know, you never answered my question.”
“What question?” you asked, though you had a feeling you knew where this was going.
“What you’re doing this weekend,” he said, his eyes locked on yours, the intensity of his gaze making your breath catch.
You glanced away, focusing on the movement of his knee, your fingers brushing against his skin as you adjusted the angle. “I’ll probably just catch up on some work. Maybe relax.”
“Sounds boring,” Rafe remarked, though there was a playful lilt to his voice. “You should let me take you out.”
You looked up sharply, caught off guard by his directness. “Rafe, I’m—”
“Taken, I know,” he interrupted, his tone still light but with an undercurrent of something more serious. “But that doesn’t mean you can’t have a little fun, does it? Just as friends.”
“Just as friends?” you echoed skeptically, knowing full well what his idea of ‘just friends’ probably entailed.
Rafe shrugged, a smirk playing on his lips. “We could get dinner, maybe hit up a bar, talk about something other than my knee for once. It doesn’t have to be a big deal.”
“No.”
His smirk faltered, just for a second, before it came back stronger, more determined. He leaned back on the table, pretending to stretch as he tried to mask the sting of rejection. "No?" he echoed, as if the concept was foreign to him.
You crossed your arms, standing firm even though his eyes on you made your heart race. "No. We both know what you're trying to do, and it's not going to happen."
"And what exactly am I trying to do?" he asked, feigning innocence with a smirk that told you he knew exactly what he was doing.
You rolled your eyes, refusing to get drawn into his game. "You know what. I’m here to help you with your injury, not to entertain whatever fantasy you’ve got going on."
"Who says it’s a fantasy?" he shot back, his voice lowering, taking on a more serious tone that caught you off guard. "Maybe I just want to get to know you better."
You paused, searching his face for any sign of sincerity. But Rafe was hard to read when he wanted to be, his playful exterior a well-practiced mask that he rarely let slip. "Rafe, you're a good guy, but—"
"Good guy?" he interrupted, raising an eyebrow. "I don’t think I’ve ever heard someone describe me like that."
"Fine," you conceded with a small smile. "Maybe ‘good’ is a stretch. But you’re not as bad as you want people to think."
Rafe’s smirk faded. It was a rare moment of vulnerability, and it made you hesitate, made you wonder if there was more to him than just the cocky, relentless flirt.
But before you could dwell on it, he was back to his usual self, flashing you that devil-may-care grin that made it hard to stay mad at him. "You know, I’d actually take that as a compliment if it came from anyone else."
"Don’t get too excited," you replied, trying to keep things light. "I still think you’re a pain in the ass."
"Yeah, but I’m your pain in the ass," he teased, stupidly blinking his lashes up at you.
You shook your head, unable to stop the laugh that bubbled up. "You really don’t give up, do you?"
"Not when it comes to something I want," he said, his voice dropping an octave.
"Cameron, this isn’t going to happen. I have a boyfriend."
He shrugged, unbothered. "And? You’re no fun. You’re trying to kill me, aren’t you?”
You handed him a water bottle, expression neutral. “You’re just out of shape.”
“Out of shape?” He looked at her, incredulous. “Do you see this body?”
You didn’t take the bait. “I see a guy who’s been slacking off on his conditioning.”
He laughed, low and warm, as he took a sip of water. “You’re tough. Tougher than most of the coaches I’ve had.”
You shrugged, as if it was no big deal. “Someone has to keep you in line.”
“Logan’s a lucky guy.”
The hockey world was small, and word got around, of course he knew his name.
“Logan’s great,” you said, a little too quickly.
Rafe nodded, his expression unreadable. “Yeah, I’m sure he is.”
He didn’t push it further, though. Instead, he fell back into his usual routine of teasing and flirting. Every time you guided his leg through a stretch or adjusted the equipment, he found his mind wandering, imagining what it would be like if things were different. If he were the one you were coming home to after a long day, if he were the one you smiled at without that guarded look in your eyes.
But you were with Logan, and as much as he hated to admit it, Rafe wasn’t the kind of guy to cross that line. Not when you were clearly trying so hard to keep things professional between the two of you.
As the session wrapped up, you handed him his schedule for the next few days, your demeanor as cool and composed as ever. “I’ll see you on Thursday. Make sure you keep up with the exercises over the next couple of days, and don’t overdo it.”
He took the paper from your hands, his fingers brushing against yours for the briefest of moments. It was enough to send a jolt of electricity through him.
“Yeah, yeah, I’ll be good,” he muttered, more to himself than to you.
“Try to stay out of trouble, okay?”
“Can’t make any promises.”
He spent the weekend bored out of his mind, thinking about you—wondering if you were with Logan, if the guy was actually smart enough to know what he had.
He hated Logan more than he hated the pain in his knee.
The guy was too perfect, too dependable, too fucking boring. And Rafe had been praying, in a way he wouldn’t admit to anyone, that something would happen—something that would make you see Logan for the jackass he really was. It wasn’t that he thought he was a better guy; he knew his own flaws better than anyone. But he also knew that he could make you happier, make you laugh harder, make you feel things that Logan never could.
So when you walked in late to the next session, he was ready to make a joke, to tease you about finally deciding to show up. But the words died on his lips when he saw you. You weren’t looking at him, not really, just muttering a half-hearted apology as you dropped your bag in the corner. But when you finally met his gaze, his chest tightened.
Your eyes were bloodshot red, the kind of red that came from hours of crying, from tears that wouldn’t stop no matter how hard you tried. You looked exhausted, like you hadn’t slept in days, and your usual spark was nowhere to be found.
His first instinct was to make a joke, to lighten the mood the way he always did, but he couldn’t. Not when you looked like that.
“Hey,” he said softly, his voice void of its usual cockiness. “You okay?”
You nodded, but it was the kind of nod that was meant to shut someone up, not because you actually meant it. You were far from okay.
“You’re late,” he said, his tone teasing, but even he could hear the concern underneath.
“I know, sorry,” you replied, your voice small, almost defeated.
Rafe frowned, his eyes narrowing as he studied you. This wasn’t like you. You were always so put together, so in control, and seeing you like this was…so unsettling.
“What happened?” he asked, more serious now, the joking tone completely gone.
You shook your head, avoiding his gaze as you busied yourself with the equipment, but Rafe wasn’t going to let it go that easily. Not when he could see the pain written all over your face.
“Come on, what’s going on?” he pressed, his voice soft but insistent. “Did something happen with Logan?”
The way you flinched at his name told him everything he needed to know. His chest tightened, protectiveness swelling inside him. He’d always thought Logan was too good to be true, but seeing you like this confirmed it.
“Did he hurt you?” His voice was low, a dangerous edge to it that he usually kept hidden. “Because if he did, I swear to God—”
“No,” you interrupted, your voice cracking slightly as you finally looked at him, “I mean, yes, but… it’s not like that.”
His jaw clenched, his hands curling into fists at his sides. “What did he do?”
You hesitated, the words catching in your throat as you tried to hold it together. But there was no point in pretending anymore, not when Rafe was looking at you like that—like he actually cared, like he was ready to go to war for you if that’s what it took.
“He cheated,” you finally whispered, your voice trembling as the tears you’d been holding back threatened to spill over. “I found out through a fucking DM on Instagram. Some girl… she just messaged me out of the blue and told me everything. And when I confronted him, he didn’t even deny it. He just—just said it wasn’t a big deal.”
Rafe’s vision blurred with red-hot anger. He wanted to find Logan and beat the shit out of him for making you cry, for being stupid enough to let you go. But more than that, he wanted to make you feel better, to make the hurt go away, even if he didn’t know how.
“That fucking asshole,” He growled, his voice trembling with barely controlled rage. “I swear to God, I’ll—let me get on that ice and I’ll wipe the entire ring with his face.”
“Rafe, don’t,” you said quickly, cutting him off. “It’s not worth it. He’s not worth it, okay?”
His heart twisted at the broken look in your eyes, the way your voice wavered as if you didn’t quite believe your own words.
“He’s not worth you,” Rafe said softly, stepping closer, his anger replaced by something gentler, “You deserve better than that. Way better.”
You looked up at him, surprised by the sincerity in his voice. It wasn’t like him to be so serious. But here he was, looking at you like you were the most important person in the world, and it made your heart ache even more.
“I don’t know what I deserve anymore,” you admitted, your voice small and lost.
He reached out, hesitating for just a second before he gently cupped your face, his thumb brushing away the tear that had finally escaped.
“You deserve someone who knows what they have when they have you,” he said, his voice steady, his eyes locked on yours. “Someone who would never make you cry like this. Someone who would never, ever cheat on you.”
You swallowed hard, feeling a fresh wave of tears threatening to spill over at his words. “Rafe…”
“I’m serious,” he continued, his voice dropping to a whisper. “You’re… you’re amazing, you know that? Any guy would be lucky to have you, and Logan’s a fucking idiot for not seeing that.”
You shook your head, trying to keep it together, but it was no use.
You started to cry, the kind of deep, gut-wrenching sobs that you’d been holding in all weekend. And before you knew it, you were collapsing into his arms, letting him hold you as you cried, his arms strong and steady around you.
He didn’t say anything, didn’t try to shush you or tell you everything was going to be okay. He just held you, his hand gently rubbing your back as you let it all out, crying into his chest until there were no more tears left.
When you finally pulled back, your face red and puffy from crying, you only uttered a small, “Thank you.”
Rafe nodded, his eyes soft as he looked down at you. “Anytime.”
And then, without thinking, you leaned up and pressed a soft, hesitant kiss to his cheek, lingering for just a second before pulling away. He blinked, a little stunned by the gesture, but before he could say anything, you stepped back, trying to regain some semblance of composure.
“Do you mind if we reschedule for tomorrow?” you said quickly, your voice still shaky. “I’m not sure I-“
“Of course not.”
You breathed out in relief, “Thank you again. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
He wanted to tell you to stay, to tell you that it was okay to not be okay, that you didn’t have to face this alone. But he knew you needed space, needed time to process everything that had happened.
“Yeah,” he said softly, nodding as you turned to leave. “Tomorrow.”
He wanted to be there for you, to be the one you turned to when everything fell apart. But more than that, he wanted to be the one to put you back together again, to show you that not all guys were like Logan—that he wasn’t like Logan.
And as you disappeared down the hallway, he made a silent promise to himself: he was going to make you see that. No matter what it took.
⁀➷ೃ⁀➷ೃ⁀➷ೃ⁀➷⁀➷ೃ⁀➷ೃ⁀➷ೃ⁀➷⁀➷ೃ⁀➷ೃ⁀➷ೃ⁀➷⁀➷ೃ
The weeks passed, each session with Rafe seamlessly flowing into the next. What started as this totally professional thing, strictly business, slowly morphed into something way more personal. His cocky jokes and playful banter had shifted into these deep conversations that actually mattered, and somewhere along the way, you found myself getting closer to him than you ever expected.
Rafe’s knee had healed remarkably well, and now the day had arrived: his first game back on the ice. As it drew near, a strange sense of anxiety creeped in. Your life had become so closely tied to Rafe’s recovery over the past few months that the thought of him no longer needing your help—or your company—left you with an unsettling emptiness.
You had prepared yourself for the possibility that he might distance himself once he was back on the ice. After all, athletes had their own lives, their own routines, and you were just the therapist who had helped him get to this point. But when he invited you to his first game, the gesture came as a welcome. Whether you wanted to admit it or not, he’d slowly lurked his way into your heart.
It was after a particularly intense session, where you’d pushed him harder than ever before, that he brought it up. You were finishing up, wiping down the equipment while he caught his breath, stretching out his legs on the bench.
“You know,” Rafe started, his voice casual but with a hint of something more in it, “I’ve got my first game back tomorrow night.”
You looked up, catching the subtle edge in his tone. “Yeah, I’ve heard. You must be excited.”
“Excited? Nervous as hell, more like it.” He chuckled, running a hand through his hair, “It’s been a long time coming. A lot of pressure to perform, y’know?”
You nodded, understanding him. You’d seen how hard he’d worked, how much this comeback meant to him. “You’ll do great, Cameron. You’re more than ready.”
He smiled at that, but there was something else in his expression, something hesitant. “I was thinking…maybe you could come. To the game, I mean. It’d be nice to have someone there who’s seen the whole process, who knows what it took to get back on that ice.”
His words hung in the air, and you felt a warmth spread through your chest. It wasn’t just the invitation—it was what it represented. He didn’t just see you as the therapist who’d helped him heal. He saw you as someone important, someone he wanted by his side as he took this next step.
“I’d love to, Rafe. I wouldn’t miss it for anything.”
Relief washed over his face, followed by a grin that was equal parts gratitude and something else— “Good,” he said, his voice quieter now, “because I’d hate for you to miss it. You’ve been a big part of this, more than you know.”
Your heart fluttered at his words, and you found yourself blushing under his gaze.
“I’m just doing my job,” you replied, trying to keep your tone light, but the look in his eyes told you that he saw right through your attempt to downplay it.
“Yeah, well, I’m glad it’s you,” Rafe said, his voice earnest. “I don’t think I could’ve done this with anyone else.”
The sincerity in his voice, the way he looked at you as if you were the only person in the world at that moment, made it hard to breathe. This was more than just an invitation to a game. This was him telling you, in his own way, that you mattered to him—that you were more than just his therapist, that you were someone he wanted to keep around.
“I’m glad it was me too,” you whispered back, unable to tear your eyes away from his.
“Tomorrow night, then.”
“Tomorrow night.”
Now, as you sit in the stands, watching Rafe skate out onto the ice, you feel a nervous anticipation that has little to do with the game itself.
Just before the puck drops, Rafe catches your eye, giving you a confident wink that sends your heart racing. He knows what this game means, not just for him, but for you as well.
Logan is there, playing on the opposite team. You haven’t seen him in exactly two months. Whatever feelings you had for him disappeared the moment you found out about his betrayal, but your ego still hurts like hell.
The energy in the arena is electric, a buzz that makes his blood hum with anticipation. His first game back, and the stakes couldn’t be higher—not just because of his injury, not just because it’s a rivalry match, but because Logan is on the other side of the ice. Rafe’s jaw clenches at the thought of that bastard, the memory of your tear-streaked face still fresh in his mind.
During warm-ups, he spotted Logan, skating like he didn’t have a care in the world, like he hadn’t just thrown away the best thing that ever happened to him. Rafe’s grip tightens on his stick, his knuckles white against the black tape. The rage simmering beneath his skin isn’t just about the game. It’s personal.
His focus is razor-sharp, every movement precise, every play calculated. But no matter how much he tries to concentrate on the game, his eyes keep drifting back to Logan, who skates circles around the ice like he owns it.
The first period passes without incident, but by the second, the tension is boiling over. Rafe feels it building, that need to do something, to break Logan’s face in half. He doesn’t just want to beat him; he wants to humiliate him, to knock that smug look off his face once and for all.
Then it happens.
Midway through the second period, Logan makes a hard hit on one of Rafe’s teammates, sending the guy crashing into the boards. The hit is clean, but it’s the arrogance in Logan’s smirk that pushes Rafe over the edge.
He doesn’t hesitate.
He skates straight at Logan, not bothering with any pretense. If Logan wants to play dirty, he is more than ready to play dirtier. Logan barely has time to react before Rafe drops his gloves, his intent crystal clear.
“You think you can just get away with that?” He snarls, his voice low and menacing as he shoves Logan hard in the chest, the force sending him stumbling back on his skates.
Logan’s eyes flash with surprise, quickly followed by anger. “What the hell’s your problem, Cameron?”
He doesn’t bother with a reply.
He swings, his fist connecting solidly with Logan’s jaw. The satisfying crunch of bone against bone is drowned out by the roar of the crowd, but Rafe doesn’t care. He’s been waiting for this moment, waiting to unleash all the pent-up anger and frustration that’s been eating away at him since the day you walked into that PT room with your heart shattered.
Logan staggers back, his expression twisting with fury. He recovers quickly, launching himself at Rafe with a wild swing, but Rafe is ready. He dodges the punch and counters with another one of his own, this time aiming for Logan’s ribs. He can feel the impact reverberate up his arm, but it’s not enough. He wants more.
“Come on!” He shouts, face red from all the pent-up anger simmering inside him. “Is that all you’ve fucking got?”
Logan grits his teeth, struggling to keep his balance. “You’re fucking crazy, Cameron!”
“You haven't seen shit," He spits back, landing another punch to Logan’s midsection. “But at least I know how to treat someone right.”
Logan’s eyes widen, the realization of what this is really about dawning on him. “This is about her? You’re seriously going to throw down over some girl?”
Rafe’s vision goes red at the mention of you, the casual way Logan dismisses you as “some girl.” He doesn’t care that he’s going too far, doesn’t care that the refs are probably going to break this up any second. All he cares about is making Logan feel a fraction of the pain he caused you.
“You don’t get to talk about her,” He growls, grabbing Logan by the collar and yanking him close. “You don’t even get to think about her.”
Logan tries to shove him off, but Rafe is relentless, landing punch after punch, each one fueled by the memory of you crying in his arms, by the way your voice trembled when you told him what Logan had done.
By now, the refs are on them, trying to pull Rafe away, but he isn’t finished. Not yet.
“You don’t deserve her,” He hisses through clenched teeth, his fist connecting with Logan’s face one last time before the refs finally manage to separate them. “You never did.”
Logan stumbles back, his face a bloody mess, and for a brief moment, he feels a little satisfaction. But it isn’t enough to stop the anger, the frustration, the overwhelming need to protect you from ever being hurt like that again.
He sits in the penalty box, his chest heaving as he tries to calm the adrenaline still pumping through his veins. He can barely hear the crowd over the sound of his own heartbeat, but he knows they’re going wild. The fight has been brutal, and he’s given Logan exactly what he deserved. But as the rush of the fight starts to fade, he starts to overthink: how will you react?
The game ends with a hard-fought win for his team, but the victory feels hollow. As his teammates celebrate on the ice, Rafe’s thoughts are miles away, fixated on you. What if you’re pissed? What if you think he’s overstepped?
After the final whistle, he makes his way to the locker room, his mind racing. He’s about to strip off his gear when he hears footsteps approaching, quick and determined. Before he can even turn around, the locker room door flies open, and there you are, marching straight toward him with a look on your face that he can’t quite read.
Shit. You’re mad.
“Hey, listen,” he starts, his voice low and uncertain as he holds up his hands in a gesture of peace. “I know that might’ve looked bad out there, but I swear—”
You don’t let him finish. Instead, you grab the front of his jersey and pull him down to your level, crashing your lips against his with a force that takes him completely off guard.
His mind goes blank as all he can focus on is the way your mouth moves against his. It’s like nothing he’s ever felt before—raw, heated, desperate.
His hands instantly find your waist, gripping tightly as he pulls you flush against him, the heat of your bodies mingling in the small space between you. Your kiss is wild, all tongues and teeth, and when you bite down on his bottom lip, hard enough to make him groan, he realizes this is real.
You’re kissing him.
“Fuck,” he gasps against your mouth, his voice ragged with need. But you don’t give him a chance to catch his breath, your hands threading through his hair as you deepen the kiss, your lips moving with a feverish intensity that makes his head spin.
You break away just long enough to breathe, your lips brushing against his as you whisper, “You’re such a fucking idiot.”
The way you say it, half-growled, half-breathed, sends a shiver down his spine, and he can’t help the sound that escapes him, somewhere between a moan and a groan. His grip on your waist tightens, his fingers digging into your skin as he fights to keep control, but you aren’t making it easy.
You press yourself even closer, your body flush against his as you kiss him again, harder this time, more demanding. Your tongue sweeps into his mouth, claiming him, and Rafe is more than happy to let you take the lead. He’s never felt anything like this before—this urgency, this hunger that makes him want to lose himself in you completely.
You tug on his hair, tilting his head back to give yourself better access, and Rafe nearly loses it right then and there. He can feel his self-control slipping, can feel the primal need to devour you taking over, but he doesn’t care. All he can think about is how badly he wants you, how desperately he needs to feel more of you.
When you pull back, your lips are swollen and glistening, your breathing just as ragged as his. You stare at him, your eyes dark with lust, and Rafe feels his heart hammering in his chest, each beat echoing with the desire pulsing through him.
“Been waiting for over an hour to do that,” you breathe.
Rafe’s hands roam up your back, tracing the curve of your spine as he leans in, brushing his lips against your ear. When he reaches the curve of your ass, he doesn’t stop. His fingers grip you there, kneading the soft flesh with a pressure that makes you gasp into his mouth, your hips instinctively pressing against his.
“Then do it again,” he murmurs, “Do whatever the hell you want to me.”
His hands are everywhere, sliding up your sides, his thumbs brushing the undersides of your breasts before moving back down to cup your ass again, pulling you even closer against him. You can feel him, hard and ready, pressing against your thigh, and it sends a wave of heat pooling low in your belly. You want him—more than you ever wanted anyone—and the way he’s looking at you tells you he feels the same.
Rafe lets out a low, almost guttural sound as you rock your hips against him, the pressure making him tighten his grip on you, holding you in place as he grounds himself against you. The sensation makes your breath hitch, a needy whimper escaping your lips that only spurs him on.
“Fucking idiot,” you whisper again, your voice rough with desire as you nip at his bottom lip, pulling it between your teeth before soothing the bite with your tongue.
His reaction is immediate. He groans, a sound so deep and full of need that it sends a shiver down your spine. His hands flex against you, his fingers digging into your flesh as if he’s trying not to loseg control completely.
But you can feel it—the way he’s trembling, the way his breath is coming in harsh, uneven pants against your neck. He kisses you again, hard and desperate, his mouth moving against yours with a fervor that matches the wild pounding of your heart
But just when you think you can’t take it any longer, the sound of footsteps echoes outside the door, snapping you both back to reality. You pull back, your chest heaving as you try to catch your breath, your mind spinning with the intensity of what had just happened. He’s just staring at you, his eyes glazed with desire, his lips swollen and red from your kisses. He looks as wrecked as you feel, and it takes everything in you not to drag him back down for more.
But you know you shouldn’t. Not here. Not now.
Except there’s no fucking way Rafe is letting you go now. He doesn’t say a word. His eyes lock onto yours, dark and filled with a raw need that makes your breath catch.
He doesn’t ask; doesn’t need to. He’s done waiting, done pretending he can hold back.
Without another word, he pulls you toward the locker room, his grip firm and unyielding as he leads you through the maze of benches and lockers. Your heart races as he pushes open the door to the showers, the sound of the water echoing off the tile walls. The room is empty, the air thick with steam, and the second you step inside, he’s pouncing on you. Clothes are gone in the blink of an eye.
He presses you up against the cold tile wall, his body flushes against yours as his lips find yours again, hands running over your wet skin. His mouth moves from your lips to your neck, his tongue tracing a path down to your collarbone as he kisses, licks, and nips at your sensitive skin. You whimper, fingers threading through his hair as he drops to his knees in front of you, his lips trailing down your stomach.
The sensation was overwhelming, the combination of the hot water and his hot mouth on your skin driving you insane. "If you don’t-" your voice trembles with need as he spreads your thighs apart, “Fuck.”
He looks up at you, “Yeah, that’s what I thought.”
His hands grip your hips firmly. Without another word, he buries his face between your legs, his tongue flicking out to taste you. The sudden, intense pleasure makes you cry out, your hands clutching at his broad shoulders as he licks and sucks, his tongue working you over with a skill that leaves you gasping for breath. It’s not fair.
This man can’t possibly be real. The water splashes against your back, masking the sounds of your moans as he takes his time, driving you closer and closer to the edge with every swirl of his tongue. Your body trembles, your legs barely able to hold you up as he pushes you higher, his hands tightening on your hips as he holds you in place.
"Oh my god," you moan, your voice breaking as you feel the pleasure building to an unbearable peak. He doesn’t stop, doesn’t let up until you are crying out his name, your body shuddering as your orgasm crashes over you, your nails digging into his shoulders as the pleasure rips through you.
Rafe keeps his mouth on you, drawing out your release until you are trembling, your legs shaking as you struggle to catch your breath.
Truth is, he doesn’t want to stop. He can’t get enough now that he has finally gotten a taste. He stands back up, his hands running up your sides as he kisses you again, the taste of you still on his lips. You can feel him, hard and ready against your stomach, and it only drives you crazier. Of course, this man had to be fucking huge.
Without breaking the kiss, he spins you around, pressing you against the wall as his hands grip your hips, pulling them back slightly. You brace yourself against the tile, your body arching as you felt the head of his cock pressing against your entrance.
"Oh Rafe," you groan out his name, your voice low and needy and he growls softly in response, his breath hot against your ear as he slowly pushes inside you, filling you inch by inch until he is buried to the hilt.
Rafe nearly passes out from the sight. Watching himself disappear inside you has to be his favorite sight in the entire world.
“So fucking pretty.” The feeling of him stretching you, filling you completely, is almost too much to bear, and you let out a long, low moan as he begins to move, setting a slow, deliberate pace that drives you wild. The water cascades over your bodies as he thrusts into you, his hands gripping your hips tightly as he fucks you with a steady, unrelenting rhythm.
Each thrust pushes you harder against the wall, the cool tile a pleasing contrast to the heat between you. You can barely think, barely breathe, lost in the sensation of Rafe moving inside you, his cock hitting all the right spots with every thrust. The sound of the water mixed with the wet slap of skin against skin, your moans and gasps echoing off the walls as the pleasure built higher and higher, threatening to consume you.
"God, you feel so fucking good," He groans, his voice rough with desire as he leans over you, his lips brushing against your ear.
"Faster," you gasp, your voice pleading as you push back against him, needing more, needing everything. He doesn’t hesitate. His pace quickening, his thrusts coming harder and faster as he drives you both toward the edge. The intensity of it is overwhelming, every nerve in your body on fire as he fucks you with a raw, desperate need that matches your own. Just when you think you couldn’t take any more, you heard footsteps outside the shower, followed by a voice calling out.
"Cameron? You in here, man?" Rafe freezes, his body tense, his cock still buried deep inside you as he glances toward the door, his breath ragged.
"Yeah, I’m here," he calls back, trying to keep his voice steady, though you could hear the strain in it.
"We’re heading downtown to the bar. You coming?"
He looks down at you, all too pleased with himself, "Not tonight," he replies, his voice thick with lust. "Got something else to take care of."
There’s a pause, then a chuckle from the other side of the door. "Alright, man. Have fun."
The footsteps retreat, and the moment the door closes, he’s moving again, thrusting into you with a renewed urgency, the near-interruption only heightening the intensity of the moment. You moan loudly, your body quaking as he drives into you with a relentless rhythm, each thrust sending you spiraling closer and closer to another orgasm.
The combination of the heat, the steam, the feel of Rafe fucking you so hard is too much, the almost getting caught. You feel yourself losing it, your entire body tightening as you reach the edge once again.
"Come for me," He growls, his hands gripping your hips so tightly you are sure there will be bruises tomorrow. His words push you over, and you cry out as your orgasm tears through you, your body convulsing around him as the pleasure crashes over you in waves.
Rafe follows right behind you, his hips slamming into yours one last time as he comes, his body shuddering as he fills you to the brim with a low, guttural groan.
For a long moment, neither of you move, both of you panting, your bodies still trembling from the intensity of it all. The water continues to pour over you, washing away the evidence of your encounter as you slowly come down from the high.
Finally, he pulls out, turning you around to face him as he cups your face in his hands, his lips brushing softly against yours in a tender kiss that’s so different to the rough, desperate way he just fucked you.
"You’re a fucking idiot," you whisper against his lips, a small, breathless laugh escaping you.
He chuckles softly, his thumb brushing over your cheek as he looked down at you with a mixture of affection and desire. "Yeah, but I’m your fucking idiot."
He was fighting every fucking player on that ice ring if it meant having you again.
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anytime, darlin'
prompt: guard | word count: 532 | rated: T | tags: mutual pining, strangers to lovers, shotgunning, dom/sub undertone | @steddiemicrofic | ao3
Stumbling through the exit door, Steve moved to lean against the nearest wall, fingers rubbing at his throbbing temple.
He liked Alibi Tarven—away from Hawkins and served good beers—but the place could be overwhelming sometimes. And tonight, it seemed, had proved to not be his friend.
He rummaged in his pockets for the Marlboro pack, cursing under his breath when he dropped the only cigarette left. Before he could crouch down to retrieve it, a ringed hand beat him to it and caused Steve to jump a little.
With his tunnel vision, he didn't realize someone had already been there, especially not the hot bartender—Eddie—who had barely said a word to him and still managed to sneak into many of his (wet) dreams lately.
Maybe it was those sharp eyes, tattoos, that Southern drawl and low bun. Maybe it was those toned forearms, long legs, and lean build. Whatever it was, Steve kind of figured he wasn't as straight as he thought.
(Not necessarily a big deal. But he was still grateful Robin had held his hands while he steamrolled through his crisis.)
If Eddie heard his startled yelp, the man didn't say anything. Instead, Eddie offered to light the cigarette for him, which Steve declined politely because he refused to put the soiled butt into his mouth.
He shoved his trembling hands into his pockets. Another side effect after Starcourt. Annoying, but far more tolerable than those persistent nightmares and migraines.
Wordlessly, Eddie fished out a joint and lighted it, took a drag, and exhaled tendrils of smoke while regarding him with those hooded eyes.
“You trust me, sweetheart?”
Steve gaped, caught off guard by the question. But he must be crazy, because despite them being strangers still, he found himself nodding.
It was enough for Eddie to step closer and plant a hand by his head.
“Open up.”
As if possessed, Steve complied, trying to not gasp when their lips almost touched, curling his tongue to keep the smoke fed to him.
Then he inhaled, feeling his tremor subsided, limbs loosened as tension bled out of him.
“There you are,” Eddie smiled lazily, giving his heart a heavy thud. “Feelin’ better, yet?”
“Mhm,” he nodded slowly, eyes big and shiny as they glanced up through his lashes. “Thank you.”
“Anytime, darlin’,” Eddie drawled, all low and sexy.
“I’m Steve,” he blurted out, blushing. “But I can also be your, uhm, sweetheart.”
Inside his head, Robin put a tally mark on the ‘You Rule’ column.
“So sweet, huh?” Eddie thumbed his bottom lip, dark eyes glinting with amusement and something akin to fondness. “Made of sugar, aren't you?”
“I am,” Steve giggled, hooking his hands behind Eddie's neck. “Wanna have a taste?”
As if waiting for just that, Eddie grinned, strong arm snaking around his waist possessively, big hand swallowing the back of his head, pulling him into a bruising kiss.
The morning after, Eddie would ask him to stay for breakfast, and he’d agree without doubt, not knowing Eddie had plans, not knowing he was going to be wooed and adored until he became molasses.
But he would, eventually. When Eddie continued loving him every day. And ever and after.
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You’re Losing Me
And I wouldn’t marry me either, a pathological people pleaser who only wanted you to see her
Collab with @ford-pines-lover
Word Count: 2,024
Do I throw out everything we built or keep it?
You’d battled with yourself for hours. Should you leave or should you stay? Your heart begging you not to leave him. You loved Ford for years. You’d loved him for so long. He was all you knew anymore. You weren’t happy, but you knew what to expect. Your mind, however, was overriding your aching heart. You had to leave. This wasn’t a healthy relationship. Hell, there was no relationship. Not anymore.
The room felt heavy and weighed down. Every ‘I love you’ that was ever uttered in this room was echoing off the walls. Hopes unfulfilled and love that hard worn impossibly thin mocked you. Were you really about to throw away the last ten years of your life?
You gave a breathless sigh as you stared down at the half-packed suitcase on the bed. Half-empty. Even your luggage laughed at you, pathetic. You just couldn’t decide. You’d packed and unpacked your bag about a dozen times. Even now, all you wanted to do was empty it again, fold your clothes, and put them back where they belonged. You couldn’t leave him. With every sweater or pair of underwear you packed, the good memories came flooding back. Every sweet thing he’d ever done for you washed over you, begging you to stay. But, you realized your heart was just playing tricks on you, taking over with each faltering thought. You deserved better than this.
With a sigh, you slipped your favorite sweater out of your bag and held it close to your chest. How many times had you found yourself curled up with this sweater, his sweater, while you waited for him to come to bed, hoping to hear his footsteps coming down the hall? Each strand of yarn held memories, the good and bad. You remembered him handing you this very sweater on a cold night, wanting you to keep warm. You remembered crying into the collar when he’d left without a word to explore.
Setting the sweater back down, you rubbed your eyes, trying to fight back the tears stinging your eyes. You’d cried too many tears over him already. You couldn’t let anymore fall. Despite the ache in your chest, a dull pain, you didn’t want to leave like that, crying. You were doing what was best for you. You wanted to leave knowing you were thinking over yourself for once. You were walking about because you deserved better than half-hearted affection and quiet resentment. You deserved someone who would love you.
You went back to the dresser, folding up more of your clothes. With each article you pulled over, memories came in. Everything was linked to him. There were outfits you wore on dates, lazy mornings wrapped in his arms.
You left one thing in your dresser, knowing you’d never wear it. The silk slip was offensive, emerald green. You traced the black lace with your fingers. You’d bought it for your ninth anniversary, something you had thought would catch his eye and pull him away from his work. It didn’t. You didn’t care that, someday, you’d have someone who would appreciate your efforts, worship you in such a beautiful thing. No, it was cursed and it was his problem now. Maybe he’d find it and realize what he lost.
You emptied out every drawer and the closet. Standing at the nightstand, you contemplated taking the framed Polaroid there. Graduation. Ford’s arms were thrown around you, both in your cap and gown. The tiny diamond on your finger glinting in the sunlight as he kissed you hard. You’d forgotten he asked you to marry him. So much had changed since then. You hadn’t worn that ring in years. It was somewhere in that room. You didn’t know where and you didn’t care enough to look for it. He could keep that too.
Despite your better judgment, you threw the small frame into your bag. In truth, it was a keepsake. You still loved him. You wanted to remember him. Still, you hoped this would scare him enough into changing. Maybe he’d call you in a panic, crying, begging you to come home with promises that he’d change. You rationalized it as a reminder of what you didn’t want to go through again, but, deep down, you knew you’d never be able to give him up.
You zipped up your suitcase and headed out the door. This was it. There was nothing else left to do. If you stayed, you’d only be hurting yourself and you’d done that enough.
I’m getting tired even for a phoenix, always rising from the ashes
You hadn’t gotten far when your car phone rang. You knew it was Ford. He was the only one who had the number. He was the only one who ever called, so, you let it ring. It rang and it rang. You had already made your decision, already put so much distance behind you, so why was it so hard to ignore him? Why did hearing his voice feel like everything you’d wanted and feared at the same time?
“Hello?” You finally whispered, voice barely above a breath.
There was a pause on the other end, and you could hear him exhale shakily. “Please, come back,” his voice cracked, rough around the edges in a way that you’d never heard before.
You squeezed your eyes shut, willing yourself to hold firm. “Stanford, I can’t keep doing this. I told you, I need more. I can’t keep standing on the sidelines, waiting for you to notice me.”
“I know,” he replied, a quiet desperation in his tone that caught you off guard. “I know I’ve put you second to my work and I hate that it’s come to this, but, please, just come home. I’ll make this right. I swear it.”
You wanted to believe him, but after so many broken promises, it was hard to let hope grow again. “I mean it. If I come back, things have to change.”
“They will,” he promised, the conviction in his voice so strong it tugged at something deep inside you. “Please, just give me this chance. Come home.”
Against the whisper of doubt in your mind, you turned back. The drive home felt surreal, every mile bringing you closer to him, to the life you’d almost left behind. How could you be so stupid? How could you give up the best thing that ever happened to you?
When you opened the front door, Ford was waiting, looking more vulnerable than you’d ever seen him. There were dark circles under his eyes, his shoulders slumped, but his gaze held something you hadn’t seen in years. Full and unwavering attention.
He didn’t say anything, just reached for you, pulling you close, as though he were afraid you’d slip away if he let go. For a moment, just being there, held by him, it felt like everything might actually be okay.
In the days that followed, Ford kept his promises. He would set aside his work to spend time with you, listening intently to everything you said, his eyes warm and focused, as if rediscovering what he’d nearly lost. Each morning, he’d greet you with coffee and a kiss, taking a few extra moments to linger, his hand gently tracing the lines of your face. He even pulled back from some of his more intense projects, choosing to leave the lab earlier, allowing himself to be with you in ways he hadn’t in so long.
For the first time in what felt like forever, you had Ford to yourself. The two of you would share quiet, easy dinners, laughing together over silly memories. Finally, he was the man you met in college again. He’d pull you close at night, his hand slipping into yours, murmuring soft praises into your hair. You allowed yourself to believe that maybe this was real, that he’d finally chosen you.
Weeks passed and he stayed true to his word, keeping that fragile spark of hope alive. Ford seemed more at ease. You’d catch him smiling over his morning coffee, a relaxed grin on his face that warmed your heart. He made time for you in ways that felt new and precious, taking you on little outings, finding new ways to bring you into his world.
But, as time went on, his old habits started to creep back. Just little things at first, lingering in his study a bit longer than planned, muttering about a project or theory instead of letting you finish the story you were telling. You tried to brush it off, telling yourself that this was just who he was, that a few hours here or there wouldn’t matter. After all, he’d proven he was willing to put you first. Surely, he could balance both, right?
Except the late nights began to stretch longer. His attention started to drift more and more. One evening, you sat beside him on the couch, recounting a funny story from your day, only to realize he was staring at the wall, eyes unfocused, his mind somewhere else entirely. You stopped mid-sentence, waiting for him to notice, hoping he’d snap back to you. Minutes passed and he didn’t say a word, lost in a world far removed from your own. Finally, he seemed to shake himself out of it, glancing at you with a forced smile.
“Sorry, darling. I was just thinking about something.” He gave you a quick peck on the cheek before disappearing into his study.
Mendin’ all her gashes, you might just have dealt the final blow
You sat there alone, the warmth of his brief touch fading quickly, leaving a familiar chill in its place. You tried to ignore the pang of doubt, but it settled heavily, spreading like ice through your veins. The pattern was returning and, this time, it hurt even more because you’d thought things were finally different.
The days blurred together, Ford slipping back into his old habits, barely noticing when you reached out to him. Each night, he’d come to bed a little later, mumbling promises that he’d make time for you tomorrow, but tomorrow never came.
One evening, after a particularly long night of waiting, you walked to his study, leaning against the doorframe as you watched him, his back to you, hunched over his notes. You cleared your throat, trying to get his attention.
“Ford?”
He didn’t turn around, didn’t even flinch. “Just a minute, dear. I’m almost done.”
You knew he wasn’t. This was exactly where you’d been before, caught in the shadow of his work, waiting for scraps of his time. You stood there, watching him, a sinking feeling in your chest as he continued to scribble notes, muttering to himself about theories and experiments. The ache in your heart deepened, spreading until it became a steady, numbing truth. He had meant well. He’d truly tried, maybe even believed he could change, but Ford was a man consumed by his work.
The realization hit you all at once. You couldn’t live like this, couldn’t keep waiting for him to come back, to choose you, when he was always going to drift away again. With a quiet breath, you straightened, your heart steady as you turned back to the door. This time, there were no tears, no lingering hope. You weren’t angry or hurt. You just needed to move on. There was nothing left.
You promised yourself there wouldn’t be anymore chances. You told him there wouldn’t be anymore. You warned him and you, unlike him, were going to make good on your promise. You walked quietly to the bedroom and packed a small bag, taking only what you needed. No dramatic exits, no last words. You’d made your peace.
You closed the door behind you, the air felt different, lighter, as if you were finally free. For the first time, you were truly walking away, carrying with you a quiet strength and a promise you’d made to yourself long ago: you would rise again, this time for yourself, and build a life where you were fully seen, fully loved, no matter how long it took.
#Spotify#gravity falls#gravity falls x reader#stanford pines#ford pines#ford pines x reader#stanford pines x reader#a playlist of fics#chillinglyadventurous and ford pines lover
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heroes | percy jackson
ღ percy jackson x daughter of hypnos! reader ღ warnings: :) ღ wc: 692 pt 1 - pt 2 - pt 3 - pt 4 - pt 5 - pt 6
The days that followed were awkward. The trip back to camp was awkward. They didn’t look at each other, didn’t speak. They couldn’t be in the same room for more than two minutes without her wanting to escape.
And it was entirely her fault.
She stepped into her cabin, wanting to fall into bed and sleep until the next day. Or, better yet, the day after –perhaps then she'd recover the naps she hadn’t been able to take.
But, to her surprise, she wasn’t alone.
There he was, lying on her bed. She could see he was in his pajamas, his hair messy and breathing so slowly it almost felt like he wasn’t breathing at all. He seemed so at ease, so peaceful, so much like before.
She could only snap.
Tears welled up before she could hold them back, flowing faster and stronger than ever. Each drop hit the floor like a moment they might have shared, a word they could have said.
Her sobs must have roused the boy, who sat up in bed, a sleepy expression on his face as he stared at her. Her vision was too blurry and weak to see him clearly, but he appeared to be just as heartbroken as she was.
“I- I am so sorry” Her words were shaky and barely coherent, but the boy understood them perfectly. He was sorry too.
She wanted a hug, sweet words, for him to wipe her tears away. Percy stayed where he was, trying to give her space.
"I fucked up everything. I was afraid when I realized how much I love you, and how much I need you, and I didn’t know what to do." The tears kept flowing as she uttered the only words she didn’t want to say. “We can't be together, Percy”
He was furious, frustrated, mad. He couldn’t decide whether he wanted to push her away or pull her into his arms, whether he wanted to never speak to her again or kiss every inch of her body.
And though he wished things could go back to when she was just his best friend, the one sleeping beside him all day and unaware of his (and her own) feelings, he knew he had to give it another try.
“Why not?” he dared to say, without taking her eyes off her trembling figure. "What makes you think that?"
“I’ll be mean, and you’ll get tired of me” No. Percy couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Getting tired of her?
Without her, something was missing, something was off.
He made his way toward her carefully, checking if she was okay with it. His hands traced her face, and he smiled without thinking as he felt her skin after so long.
“You know that is not true. None of that bullshit it's true" She shook her head, and he nodded. She pouted, and he smiled. “We love each other, and that's a fact.”
“Nothing would keep us together” she knew he understood; the others, their stupid opinions, her own insecurities…
But was she being honest with herself? Was she really unwilling to give everything she had to spend the rest of her days with him?
“I don’t believe that. We can try”
He didn't release her face as he pressed a kiss to her forehead.
“We could steal time.”
A kiss on her cheek.
“Just for one day.”
A kiss on her other cheek.
“Please.”
Their noses brushed together, their breaths merged, and their bodies inched closer without even trying.
Their lips were so, so near.
And she nodded. Because she depended on him, she adored him, she hungered for him. She ached for him. Her body yearned and craved for his company, his hugs, his kisses, his touch.
She wanted him.
Without a second thought, their lips met in a soft, warm kiss. His hands pulled her closer as her fingers tangled in his hair. The world around them seemed to freeze, granting them more time, more peace.
And the kiss became desperate, raw, and yet somehow full of sweetness.
Every part of them connecting, as if they were finally where they belonged.
heroes >>>>> any other song IT FINALLY HAPPENED AAA I COULND' STAND WIRITING MORE ANGST maybe it's rushed because i NEEDED them to kiss but i don't care
#percy jackson x reader#percy jackson#percy jackson x you#fanfic#pjo x reader#percy jackon and the olympians#percy jackson x y/n#my writing#percy jackson imagines
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woah how does one use tumblr??
“ like always, — bub. ”
poolverine oneshot | no warnings besides some mild sexual jokes and mentions of blood | FLUFF
· · ─────────────────── · ·
most people think that wade wilson — better known as deadpool — is completely unable to share a sweet moment with an individual without making jokes about the sexual innuendo that filled the air.
and while that’s 100% true,in certain moments,when he’s still groggy with sleep,cuddled up with somebody,it’s more than guaranteed that his brain,fogged up by the amount of sleep he had just gotten,won’t be able to process the sentences enough to make a sexual joke in reply — if he didn’t have any nightmares, that is.
and maybe that was what logan loved most. — and LOOK,not that they don’t have the freakiest sex drive ever,but sometimes a soft awakening thanks to the warm sun seeping through the blinds is just what he needed.
and that was what was happening. probably thanks to the previous night.
which i won’t go in too much detail about,however,i can assure you that the honda odyssey was NOTHING compared to it.
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Logan burrowed deeper into the warmth of Wade’s chest,all spooned up in his arms; the steady rhythm of his heartbeat a soothing lullaby that chased away the remnants of the night’s dreams. The sunlight poured in gently, casting a soft glow over the room, illuminating the tangled sheets and the two bodies entwined within them.
With a soft grunt, Logan stretched out like a lazy cat (like one that was left by the dumpster for a week,but that’s another thing.) his muscles unfurling as he extended his limbs, pushing against the mattress with a sleepy determination. The bed creaked softly in response, the frame shifting under the weight of his solid form. It was a symphony of motion—Logan’s broad shoulders and defined chest rolling into Wade, who melted into the mattress, his arms instinctively tightening around him.
Logan’s head was still nestled in the crook of Wade’s shoulder, the soft fabric of his shirt brushing against his cheek as he inhaled the faint scent of lotion and the lingering trace of warm skin. He could feel the subtle rise and fall of Wade’s chest, a soft pillow for his morning reverie. With a lazy flick of his wrist, he let out a low growl, a half-assed attempt to shake off the drowsiness, and stretched again, arching his back like a feline.
As he stretched, Logan felt the familiar twinge of soreness ripple through his muscles, a reminder of the previous night’s escapades. He grunted again, this time louder, a gruff sound that rumbled in his throat.
“Ugh, damn it, Wade,” he mumbled, his voice rough with sleep. “I’m too old for this shit.”
“Too old for what, exactly?”
Wade replied, his voice still thick with the remnants of sleep, the cheeky undertone unmistakable even in his drowsy state.
“I thought we were both very much alive and ‘kicking’ each other’s asses—or, at least, one of us was. You just laid there grunting like an overstuffed cat.”
Logan cracked one eye open, peeking up at Wade.
“Yeah, well, this ‘overstuffed cat’ has his ribs crushed trying to turn over for an hour. Thanks for that,” he shot back, letting his head settle back against Wade’s chest, the warmth still inviting despite the lumpiness of the shared mattress.
“Hey, you know I’m not responsible for your physical state,” Wade said, a smirk evident in his tone. “I mean, have you seen yourself? You’re the human embodiment of a muscle truck, and yet you complain like a squirrel who stubbed its toe on a tree. It’s downright adorable.”
Logan snorted, half-amused and half-annoyed.
“This adorable muscle truck is going to stick you on the couch for a week if you keep this up,” he grumbled, stretching again, this time more exaggeratedly, eliciting another creak from the bed, as if the frame itself was groaning in sympathy.
“Consider it price of admission for sharing your life with me,”
Wade countered, and Logan could almost hear the grin in his words.
“Just think of it as a reminder that our love is like, well, a good taco—slightly messy but oh-so-worth-it.”
“Love tacos now?” Logan muttered, trying to find a comfortable position amidst the soft chaos of limbs and blankets. Despite the soreness, there was something perfectly soothing about their banter, the easy flow of conversation wrapping around him like a warm cloak.
“Why not? Tacos are exciting, delicious, and they can really spice up a boring meal,” Wade quipped, a playful glint shining in his eyes, even while he remained semi-horizontal.
“Besides, your refusal to admit how awesome I am just makes me want to tease you more. It’s like a taco with extra hot sauce—way too tempting to resist.”
“are you gonna stop with the tacos?” Logan rolled his eyes, though a small smile crept onto his lips. “Keep talking like this and I’ll be tempted to throw you out of this bed myself.”
“Is that before or after I get to take you out to brunch?” Wade asked, feigning innocence as he shifted slightly, causing Logan to feel the warmth of his skin even through the thin fabric of their clothes.
“Brunch? Do you even know what time it is?” Logan replied, suppressing a yawn that threatened to break free, still half lost in the comfort of their cocoon.
“Time to start thinking about breakfast. I mean, since the ‘muscle truck’ is so sore, the least I can do is prepare some carbs to revive you,” Wade said, making a show of trying to move out from underneath Logan’s weight.
“No. Stay here,” Logan insisted, though he knew he wouldn’t actually stop Wade if he wanted to get up. “I’ll just—uh, I’ll curl up and get some more sleep. The soreness will sort itself out.”
“Now who’s being adorable?”
Wade chuckled, but just as he shifted again, Logan feigned a playful growl. In one swift motion, he unsheathed his claws, the glint of adamantium catching the morning light as they punctuated the space between them. Without much thought, and driven entirely by a mix of sleep and mischief, Logan pressed his claws into Wade’s chest, eliciting a dramatic gasp from the merc,the blood staining the bed sheets.
“Is that how you’re gonna play it today?” he said, his voice teasing despite the extremely mild pain. “You know, I’ve had worse wake-up calls. It’s kind of sexy, actually. A little stab-and-go action to start the day.”
Logan rolled his eyes. “You shouldn’t be encouraging me,” he said, though the corners of his mouth were betraying him, twitching into a smile.
Wade arched an eyebrow, looking down at the crimson spot blooming on the new bedsheets.
“Oh, great. Bloodstains before breakfast? I was gonna try to keep the place looking classy!"
He quipped, feigning distress as he playfully pressed a hand to his chest where Logan's claws had punctured. “And here I thought last night was already going to leave its mark on the sheets. Looks like it’s both of our faults—talk about a messy night!”
Logan's eyes darted down to the growing patch of red, and he couldn't help but let out a small snort of laughter. “awh shit’ now they’re even dirtier.“
“Relax, peanut. You know the drill,” Wade interrupted, flashing a grin that could only be described as devilish. “Besides, I think it’s an improvement. Gives the bed some character, don’t you think?”
Logan let out an incredulous laugh, shaking his head slightly as he withdrew his claws. “You’re stupid,and insane.” he said, but his tone was surprisingly affectionate, the tenderness rising in spite of the ridiculous situation.
“If I remember correctly, ‘insane’ is just a fancy way of saying ‘free-spirited’,”
Wade quipped back, shifting to give Logan a playful nudge. “But hey, since you already got the sheets all messy, wanna grab some breakfast together? I’ll make you a mocha-flavored protein shake to help with your ‘old man’ muscles, and I’ll even throw in some of those fabulous pancakes you love. — without burning the kitchen,this time.”
Logan poked him in the shoulder, still slightly irritated at the sight of new blood staining the sheets.
“I’ll just have a plain old cup of coffee on my own — on the couch, if you’re that keen to sleep on a blood-soaked mattress.”
“ ain’t you just sour in the mornin’ peanut? “
“like always, bub.”
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art by: drizzledrawings on ig
#firstposteverimnervoushelpme#deadpool and wolverine#deadpool movie#deadpool#logan wolverine#wolverine fanfiction#poolverine#deathclaws#wolverine x deadpool#deadpool x wolverine#oneshot#fluff#fluff oneshot#fanfic#fyp
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“I’m just so tired,” Lena cries, leaning forward, and pressing her heating pad further into her stomach. “I don’t want to live like this anymore.”
She inhales deeply and releases the breath back through her mouth. It’s an instinct now– breathe through the pain, slow and steady. Steady and calm. Calm and consistent. Breathe so she won’t pass out, so her heart rate won’t continue to rise, so she won’t spiral even harder the next time the knife digs into her side and expands so far she thinks it might make the entire organ pop.
“I don’t want to be sick. I don’t want to keep doing this.”
She sniffs and squeezes her eyes shut. Hot tears trail down her cheeks as her nose begins to run. The heating pad is making her sweat now too. It’s damp around her shoulders and inside her armpits. Her back is sticky and so are the undersides of her knees. But if she takes her sweatshirt off, she’ll start to shiver, even with the heat cranked up.
So she pulls her arms around her and tries to ignore the wet spots on her back because somehow, she’s still freezing. And when she opens her eyes again, she looks at Kara, as if somehow, Kara could fix things. But all Kara does is return the same regretful glance.
“I’m sorry,” she says– like she had any say in this. “I’m so sorry. You don’t deserve this.”
Lena nods and bites down on the inside of her mouth. She hugs herself around the heating pad and presses it in so deep it burns.
She used to think it was true– nobody could deserve to live like this. It was a cruel fate to watch your body rip down its tendons like wallpaper, peel apart its muscles like expired fruit, and chip away at its bones. Lena had felt every last aggression and with each attempt to fight back– to savor the life she knew, was met with more anger.
Accusations over anxiety diagnoses and trauma, as if she’d committed a felony for having emotional pain too. Speculations over her weight, her age, and her family. It didn’t matter that one day, the vessel she was living in decided to tear itself apart while she was still stuck inside. All that mattered was that her symptoms, her personality, and her past, weren’t convenient enough to be taken into consideration.
Lena knew that kind of treatment wasn’t normal. She knew that at least, it shouldn’t be. And yet it was. So she rationalized it. She told herself that maybe she did something terrible in a past life. Something eons worse than anything Lex Luthor ever did, and this was her punishment. She told herself whatever vague, obscure story she could come up with in the moment because pain like this shouldn’t be allowed to exist without a reason. She’d tear down everything she’d ever believed in– destroy the fundamentals of science and existence and everything else she’s put a lifetime of faith in because she needs to keep herself on this Earth and if she doesn’t have a reason, she isn’t sure she can continue to stay.
“What can I do?” Kara asks her. “How can I make this better?”
Wordlessly, Lena shakes her head. Another wave is hitting her. It’s sharper and stronger than the last one, and God, she feels like she could puke.
“Just…”
Sit with me, she wants to say. Hold me.
“I don’t know.”
Kara looks at her with an expression like Lena just shot a baby deer and somehow, Lena manages to start hating herself even harder.
She hates herself for not being able to cope after years of being sick. She hates herself for still feeling the pain as deeply as she did when it first came on. Hates herself for not getting better like she was supposed to.
“I’m sorry,” she murmurs– the words are the only thing she believes in right now. “Kara… I’m so sorry.”
“It’s okay.”
Kara grabs one of the blue bags from Lena’s nightstand and unfolds it. Without a word, she moves behind Lena and sits so she can rest between her legs.
“Just breathe,” she says. “It’s okay.”
Lena does as she’s told and tries to focus on her uneven breaths. She watches the way Kara loosely wraps her arms around her stomach, where the heating pad is, and squeezes her thigh.
“Is this okay?”
Lena swallows and nods. Her brow furrows when the stabbing starts to grow again. Saliva fills her mouth.
“Am I hurting you?”
Lena shakes her head.
“No, it just generally hurts,” she says. She gets the words out as quickly as she can before she needs to swallow again.
Kara nods. She leans a bit closer and presses her front ever so slightly into Lena’s shivering spine. She lifts the bag just a bit so Lena won’t have to move if she needs it– something about the gesture only makes Lena cry harder. It overwhelms her so strongly the pain almost takes a backseat. She can feel the weight of Kara’s body hovering over hers, feel her breath on her neck, see her arm extending in front of her. The woman who’s always told her “I don’t do throw up,” is now waiting to catch her vomit.
Lena almost wants to tell her she doesn’t have to stay– she doesn’t want Kara to be feeling shitty too. So she keeps quiet, not wanting to risk her leaving.
#supercorp#supercorp fanfiction#kara danvers#lena luthor#snippet of a little thing i wrote a few months ago#when i was Feeling Things about the forever aspect of living with an incurable illness
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Just to make something very clear; this won't work if someone is actively hostile from the get-go. Don't bother. You can't reach them. Maybe somebody can, like a family member or a close friend, but it's not you. I'm talking about the guys who are mostly okay but kind of questionable and at risk of getting sucked into that vortex. The ones who aren't gone. Those guys do exist, though I fear they are becoming rarer. But if somebody's dropping slurs? Not worth the trouble. You, a random stranger, cannot help them. The thing about helping somebody is that they actually have to want help. You are not going to be rehabilitating full-on neo-nazis, nor should you. If they're going to change, it's going to be because of circumstances far beyond your control, or possibly their control. A lot of the time? Short of some kind of life-changing circumstances like a death of a loved one or some kind of traumatic incident or complete and total social alienation due to their own actions, they ain't changing. And even in those cases, they are likely to not change unless they have a reason to. People are stubborn.
Know when to cut your losses. I've wasted a lot of time on people who did not deserve my compassion, and I've lost a lot of patience over the years. I'm quicker to write people off as a lost cause. It ain't gonna be me. I'm too nice for my own good, but I can't afford to be that nice.
You want help? You want to try and actually get out but aren't sure how? I'm happy to help. You hate me because I'm a degenerate troon lolcow? Can't help you, don't want to help you, you don't want my help anyway. So sad for you. Have fun being miserable and unfulfilled because you can only experience anything resembling joy and contentment when inflicting cruelty upon others. That sounds awful. Hanging around guys like that and trying to just push back against them and make fun of them had me waking up every morning thinking about wrapping my car around a tree. I have no idea how they make it through the day without contemplating shoving a gun in their mouth on a daily basis because Jesus Christ, getting away from those guys is one of the best things I've ever done and I am not looking back. I feel the best I've ever felt in a long time, though admittedly that bar was incredibly low. Maybe if you could feel more at ease with yourself and stop blaming all of your problems on people who have far more in common with you than the people whose boots you lick just because their skin looks like yours, you would feel marginally better. Not my problem. Sorry not sorry.
And if none of this sounds like it's even remotely worth the trouble to you? Don't bother! You look out for you and your own first. I only do this because I know guys who are at risk and they like me. They like me enough to behave themselves around me. And I like them enough to level with them. I am in an unusual position in that regard. Might as well make the most of it and be there to keep them from spiraling into the worst possible versions of themselves.
Okay, now I'm done.
Re: your reblog: No idea why a lot of men don't want anything to do with a movement that was regularly comparing them to bowls of poisoned M&Ms. It'll forever be a mystery
Oh fuck, that fucking post.
Like, look. I understand the importance of communicating why women might be intimidated by men. But that was such a bad comparison. I remember it being circulated by the kinds of people I was hanging out with who would wind up becoming increasingly right-wing, and it felt like every single time there was some sort of poorly articulated point about the fear that gets ingrained into us, it would just push these guys further and further away. This is purely anecdotal, but I was in a discussion with some guys in a server who said that they'd talked with multiple guys who were just kind of vaguely anti-woke not because of any deeply held principles, but because someone on the left was mean to them or disparaged them. In nerd spaces especially, these are guys who were likely already ostracized in school for being weird and are looking for, well, a safe space. And when perceived outsiders (other nerds who are demographically different from them) come in and try and make a space more inclusive, make it safer, and call anybody who objects a bad person... there's a really big social element to that. Like yeah, there's probably misogyny or racism or homophobia that could be unpacked, but those are things you can unlearn. And the best way for these guys to unlearn these behaviors is just through contact with people who are different from them with whom they have positive experiences. It's not the whole process, mind, but it's a good first step. And simply telling someone off for being bad when they might not even fully understand why it is that they have objections will succeed in getting rid of those guys from your spaces, but where do they go from there? Not the diverse and inclusive spaces we would hope they'd go, that's for fuckin' sure.
I don't want to say that it's our jobs to be super nice to these guys all the time, because you know what? Yeah, some of them do suck, as many people of all walks of life do. They won't change their minds because they see no reason to do so. But if you have the energy to try and level with these guys and just say things in a way that isn't accusatory and is just matter-of-fact, it works better. They're more likely to see you as a whole-ass person if you're willing to engage with them as a whole-ass person. It's exhausting, and I'm not the best at it, but goddammit, I've tried, with varying results. Even if they come in swinging, they can be tripped up by a simple "why would you say that?" or "I don't get it." Challenging them in a way that's not accusatory so much as it is asking them to self-reflect. Why would you say that? Why is that offensive joke funny? Why do you think it's an appropriate thing to say to people you barely even know?
I'm not one of those people that denies the existence of the male loneliness epidemic, though I certainly do think loneliness is up with everybody, not just men. I think neuroatypical men are particularly vulnerable; people with autism aren't any more likely than NT people to believe conspiracy theories, but I definitely found myself taking the word of people who I was friendly with when they perpetuated misinformation to me about shit like AGP or ROGD because why would they lie to me? Looking back, there were definitely people who were racist in a more lowkey way that wasn't immediately detectable by me because I couldn't hear the dogwhistles. But just by virtue of being a enby in predominately queer social circles, I have people around me that were able to challenge these views and help pull me away from these ideas (and help me realize that my gender is more "woman?" rather than just "woman"). These friends allowed me to realize just how stupid they actually were. There's a lot of guys, particular straight guys, who just do not have that in their lives. The bigots are always recruiting and there's nothing they love more than disenfranchised young men who are full of misdirected anger and resentment, especially ones who might be psychologically or emotionally vulnerable and incredibly insecure about it. It's a really hard mindset to get out of, particularly when your views get more extreme, and it's also something you have to actually want to change. Admitting you've been played for a sucker by people with agendas and who don't actually give a shit about you is hard. Nobody wants to admit when they've been had.
There's always a lot of resistance whenever anybody floats the idea that hey, maybe we shouldn't automatically assume these guys are assholes when we encounter them; they might just be ignorant, and you can talk to people who are ignorant without coming across as condescending or sanctimonious. Some of them might be assholes but let them show themselves first before deciding that you can't deal with them. But men are like most people; they don't want to see themselves as fundamentally bad or wicked. Nor should they. I know a lot of women who have been hurt by men; shit, I was hurt by the same man over and over and over again and was in denial about it for decades, and it was only after leaving him that I realized just how absolutely fucked he was as a person, and how he'd never have any incentive to change, even when faced with the consequences of his incredibly selfish actions. I tried so fucking hard to get him to improve only to be met with the same rote excuses for why he couldn't, and I kept giving him grace he did not earn. But also I was trying for 21 years. But his problems are his own. Not every man is going to be like him. I've known men who are, deep down, decent people, but they pick up shitty ideas that linger around them like a stinkcloud. The good news about stinkclouds, though? You can take a shower and smell better. You do it regularly enough, you won't stink no more. It's not an immutable trait. But it definitely helps to not hang around other guys who cluster and form a larger stinkcloud. You gotta wash your ass, if you must, as Del the Funky Homosapien once said.
Fellas, you are not a poisoned bowl of M&Ms. You might just be kinda smelly and in need of a bath. You can't remove the poison from those M&Ms, but you can clean up and become the best version of yourself. A lot of us have the stink of a lot of cultural ideas we've been fed without question, and you're not a bad person for having thought these things one time; it's a long process trying to challenge and prune these ideas. But you might be a bad person if somebody tries to reach out to you and you go and roll around in pig shit and declare how much you love being stinky, while also being upset that girls don't want to talk to you on account of the stink... unless they are taught from a young age to ignore it, or they also want to just socially isolate themselves by diving headfirst into the Bog of Eternal Stench. Those women do certainly exist, but they're not going to bring out the best in you, you know?
It's not an easy process, and it's not easy to reach out to people and have the psychological wherewithal to be able to handle some potentially wild shit. But if you're the kind of person who believes in rehabilitation in the justice system, then you should be able to extend that to people who just have some really shitty ideas that they just internalized without question who might just need to hear a perspective that they haven't heard before. Not everybody can do it, but for those who can? Try. You might help keep somebody from quoting crime or suicide statistics to strangers online in an attempt to feel some semblance of power above those they see below them in the societal hierarchy. You can't force change, but you might be able to nudge them in the right direction.
I think that's the best anybody can do. Try to be as kind as patient as you can, but don't take any shit, either. Remain firm in your principles. Remove yourself if you have to. But at least try, even when it's hard, because like it or not, we need as many of these guys on our side as possible of we want to affect the kind of change we want to see in the world.
... And that's all I have to say about that.
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What should I do? My heart doesn't beat anymore like it used to do?
#soulmate missing hours#i dont even miss you anymore#i dont know if i can even face you now#couldn't you have come sooner#i cant look forward to seeing you anymore#im so bitter#so wretched#i used to dream of dying in your arms#now i wonder how long do i have to live#maybe you are better off without ever knowing me#maybe not knowing each other is the best#maybe dreams of being together are better#because if i loose you to what dream will i have left?
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its so embarassing likee. going to talk abt a feeling you have but you already know ppl will be like Oh that sounds like depression lol and its like. well yes . i know . trust me i am so aware i am depressed . but its still like a thing ive been thinking abt and wanting to talk abt but ik itll just be like Ok hun 👍. idk idk what response i would want tho ig FNFNFNF
#not anything serious i was just thinking how like. idk. this is gonna sound rly stupid#but for me personally like. sometimes. How do i phrase this without sounding rly evil#i think obv ppl can spend their money however they want but like. its kind of hard 4 me to grasp sometimes like. there r things that ppl#spend a lot of money on bc it makes them happy like umm. vacations or pets or hobbies or whathaveyou. and obviously thats fine but#i iust feel like its all so. temporary and like. idk. idt im ohrasing this right at all i just likee. the thought of working all year to#afford to take a vacation and then working again to afford another vacation just makes me feel like i want to die. like. idk... i like#vacations we dont need to go on them a lot but ig its just like. everything we do just feels like a waste of time. not in like a Ohh you#should be doing more work Obviously its just like. idk. maybe it is just me. but i feel like im just waiting until i die and can be done#with it i guess. and everything i do is just to fill time until that happens. yk ? which is silly bc of my whole. Thing i cant talk abt#but ppl talk abt like. going out and partying or going on vacation or whatever and i like. I like those things its nice when they happen#but they dont rly make me longterm any happier i guess. everything just feels like another thing im doing. idk. this rly isnt coming out the#way it is in my head. and Again i know this is just depression shit or whatever im just like. its all exhausting. it just makes me feel so#tired. to think abt working and working and working so i can pay to be alive and i can save to do one fun thing every so often to keep me#sane enough to keep working and working and working and i probably wont ever be able to retire itll just be. work. and then ill die. yk.#but i feel like the vacations and stuff dont like. refresh me very much. maybe its just bc ive only been on one 'vacation' as an adult and#it was just like. coming home to see my family. and realizing id have to move back home yk..#+ like. my mom nd my gran taking me out for a weekend when i lived up there#nd those things were nice and all but once its over its like. it doesnt fuel me to keep going it doesnt make me feel any better abt having#to work for the rest of my life#ik im being ridiculous bc im literally unemployed and i cant even get up off my ass to get my stupid fucking ged so i can get a job and be#Useful to my family its just like. idk.... i try so hard to be like Oh nothing mayters and thats why everything matters type thing like. Yes#all things end and the point is to just try to be happy until it does#but i feel like it just doesnt happen for me. i feel like any happiness i feel is so insanely like. it happens and then its gone. and its#back to just. the knowledge that im still fucking stuck here. and i will be until it happens. yk. i play video games tomoass the time until#i go back to sleep then i wake up and i make a spreadsheet to pass the time until i go back to sleep#and everyday just feels like passing the time until i go back to sleep and itll just keep going until it happens. and its nice to have nice#days but whats like. the point. yk. everything just ends#IDK. this is all very whiny im sry. ive just been feeling it a lot lately . i hope this doesnt feel like me being like Ohhh you ppl r so#dumb participating in hobbies and going out and having fun dont you know yr gonna DIE? thats not what im trying to be like#its just like. i feel like it doesnt make me as happy as it does other ppl like. none of it refreshes me or makes me want to keep going
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mmm found a song with lyrics that fit hhau grian so well.
you're begging me somehow to believe that you could take it if i'd only find a way to let you in but i'd feel like i'm selfish don't know how to help it and so i wonder if you'd be better off without me i'll kill the time 'til you see that i'm nothing more than a lost cause 'cause i've been drowning in the violence bleeding out in silence 'cause i'm nothing more than a lost cause oh, i feel like a lost cause so could you find a way to try to save me now
#dw about the line that's later in the song#that says#“i know i said i wouldn't run this time”#:3#and we do know he runs at the rescue bit#but maybe that's not what i'm referencing here#.... ok no you know what okay yes i WILL tease#so what if there was another time when grian and scar separated#and grian did not expect to see scar ever again after that#i did say there's angst and things to look forward to on some other post i believe :3c#“you'd be better off without me” does not encompass only scar but it does consume grian so much#grian does very much feel like a lost cause#the more the longer he spends in this world </3#there are tiny ups!!#but they make the lows that much lower y'know#having hope? having a glimpse of healing?#that just gives you more things to lose#and losing them just makes you see that you can never truly have them#they're not meant for you#aaaanyway i need to stop with the tag rambles pff-#hhau
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~ ~ ~
#I hate who I am when I start missing human contact and feeling lonely#I start missing someone who was awful to me simply because they were reliable in talking to me every day and at least sort of my friend#I start craving the connections that you see in media even though I know those types aren’t real#it seems like everyone else has more people and better people and closer people in their lives than me#it seems like everyone has best friends and partners that are closer to them and better for them#and idk it just feels like things are missing from my life#I have a partner but I can’t always talk to them when I need to because they can’t always handle a conversation#I have a best friend but he barely ever answers my calls and things feel distant between us lately#I have other friends but they’re not the kinds that I feel I could turn to for help when I’m lonely like this#I have my parents but neither of them are very good at comfort in these situations#and I just want to cry because I feel so completely by myself and I don’t know what to do anymore#I just want someone to talk to and who will listen to me when I need help and advice and be there for me#I’m starting to really miss the wrong people again even though I know I’m better without them in my life#but at least I could send them anything and get a response fairly soon when I needed to#at least for a while they were very close to me and i think that’s what I really miss most of all#just the closeness of another person since I don’t always feel that with other relationships these days#it’s times like these I wish I’d just killed myself at 16 so I wouldn’t have to keep dealing with this over and over forever#it’s times like these I wanna fade away#if I’m going to be alone anyway then why bother keeping others around at all? why not just break off and go be a hermit somewhere else?#but I can’t do that because I have too many responsibilities that I need to take care of#idk maybe I should just kill myself and get it over with#pretty sure I wasn’t supposed to make it this long in the first place#I mean I’m being facetious cause I’m not overly suicidal and I’m not actually going to do anything#just kinda wish I could in a weird sort of way#like missing the feeling of a blade slicing my skin since I stopped cutting a long time ago#just want more out of my relationships and from myself and from my life and idk how to get any of that#personal
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for all his misery and mopey nature i do think he likes and prefers being roadhog and wouldnt go back for anything. i think "feeling like mako" means feeling small and ashamed and weak in his mind and he hates it.
#i think one of the biggest reasons he gets genuinely mad at fish is when they do something#they look at him in that way or they say something or they just. be pathetic and sick. in a way that makes that little guilt and shame gnaw#at his heart again. that shitty feeling when you know you hurt somebody you care about. or when they look at him like theyre disgusted or#disappointed by what they see. i think it pisses him off to no end that they can make him feel so small and i think its one of the things#that makes him genuinely think that maybe he should just kill them and be done with it. its not like itd be hard#🐟#like. part of them learning how to exist around each other long term is that he has to break that thought pattern yk#seeing them be all sickly and instead of pity->guilt->shame->anger it shifts to pity->guilt->'do something about it'#where instead of getting on the whole 'i ruined the life of the only person who ever gave a fuck about me' train he just. tries to be nice#or as nice as he can manage. comforting and affectionate in his very clumsy and uncomfortable way. still not pretending to be a good person#and barely concealing that doing this makes him feel awful. but still like. just doing it anyways and eventually he just does it without#thinking about it. well most of the time i think he still gets stuck fairly often. its a process yk how it is#ftr i think fish resents this. they hate his pity they resent the idea that any of this is His Fault. fish voice i can fuck up on my own#and they especially resent when he is obviously going out of his way to be gentle with them or sweet to them. first of all because they hat#when he treats them like theyre fragile it makes them want to kill him but more importantly because they would really just prefer he be an#awful bastard forever so they can stay mad at him forever. its hard to keep a grudge when he feels bad about it and its hard to be so mad#when hes the only thing that really makes them feel better.
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