#maybe this is so gross to me cuz I’m single but. | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

nixytea · 2 years ago

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at the will of the waves — y.jw x reader

pairing: yang jungwon x gn!reader

genre: love is hard for wotaku (wotakoi) au, childhood friends to lovers, fluff, slight angst, one-sided pining

inspired by: フィクション - sumika

summary: to pretty much everyone you know, you’re a diligent office worker. but behind closed doors? you’re what society calls an “otaku”: obsessed with manga, anime, gaming and the like. after a traumatising event, you swear to yourself you will never again let anyone find out about this side of you, but what happens when Yang Jungwon, your best friend from middle school and fellow nerd, squeezes his way into your life again and offers you something you cannot reject ?

warnings: OOC, food, weird people, mentions of insecurities, too many anime references, girlboss y/n, inaccurate gaming terminology, maybe if this were on ao3 i'd tag it dead dove do not eat for how badly this would affect my social life if anyone sees this irl

word count: 10.65k

disclaimer: to whoever has the guts to read this: here's a pair of anti-secondhand-embarrassment goggles and a tetra pack of unsee juice, strap in cuz this was written by me six months ago in my "what in the world is romance" era so uh. yeah tldr: this is gross for me to read and edit, i suggest reading it only once to spare your soul.

taglist: @drunkjazed @kange3939 @ahnneyong

track 001 : still into you - paramore track 002: disconnected - 5sos

LEVEL 000: SINGLE PRINGLE NOT READY TO MINGLE

You’ve got a feeling the universe might just hate you. Just a teeny tiny hunch.

Today’s supposed to be a fresh start for you. New job, new coworkers, new outfit -- which you totally didn’t spend two months’ worth of your salary to purchase, no way.

So then why in the name of Eren Jaeger’s left buttcheek are you sprinting towards the train station in three-inch heels?

It’s your first day at work, you can’t afford to be late. “If i can just run a little faster-” you wheeze, frantically swinging your arms. A hiss of the doors and you’re in. “Nice, I’ll be on time at this rate,” you think to yourself. It’s the morning train, so you opt to grasp a handle dangling from the bars overhead. Relief washes over your body, relaxing your overworked calf muscles. Nothing can stop you today.

Yet as your eyes skim across a manga advertisement, you can't help but clench your free hand.

I hope no one finds out this time.

Less than ten minutes later, you find yourself in a waiting room. The door swings open, and a tall woman steps in. She doesn’t seem much older than you, yet she exudes the confidence you’ve only dreamed of having since middle school. You can't help but admire the way everything about her screams elegance and professionalism. That would’ve helped three months ago, you muse internally.

“Nice to meet you. I’m your supervisor, and I’ll be your guide for the next few weeks. We work in the same department.” She offers her hand, a graceful smile spreading across her face. “I hope we get along well.”

You grip her palm in a firm handshake, while secretly scanning her gorgeous face. “Let’s work hard together!’

Your supervisor leads you into the hallway, briefing you as she strides along. Thoroughly engrossed in your new mentor’s advice, you only realise someone else is in the corridor when your shoulder brushes theirs ever so slightly. Yet you continue walking on after a quick apology, attention returning to -

Wait.

You swivel around, disregarding your supervisor’s confused mumble. “Yang Jungwon?!”

The once-fading back of your victim pauses, head lolling to his side. “Y/n?”

Your mind races in overdrive, thoughts scrambling in your head as you force your mouth to say something at all. “H-hey, Jungwon! It’s um, it’s been a while, hasn’t it? Last time we met was in middle school!” Your hand lifts in a shaky wave, heart skipping at the glimpse of his familiar smirk. “It’s so unexpected! What are the odds that we’d be working here together?” Avoiding the curious gazes of your supervisor and Jungwon’s colleague, you continue rambling on. “Uhh…let’s catch up over dinner! Don’t be late!” You mentally slap yourself to shut your mouth, and breeze past the two men. Phew, that was close. You cannot let the only person who knows your darkest secret go free. Luckily you’d spotted him on your first day, or who knows-

“By the way, are you tabling at Comic Con?”

You swear you were one word away from a heart attack. “H-haha, very funny. You know I don’t do that stuff, why would you ask that? Bye now!”

“…I’m screwed.”

Eleven hours later, you find yourself at a nearby 24-hour arcade, your focus on the sparkly joystick loosened by years of manhandling.

“The bait’s been set. Passing it over to you now.” You swap places with Jungwon to finally chug your can of Calpis. “Mmmm, that’s the stuff,” you sigh happily, never tearing your eyes away from the screen, where Jungwon’s doing up the finishing touches for the claw machine. He’s always been better at these things than you, but you’d like to believe it’s because he spent more time in arcades than you did when you were kids. You were more into stupid otome games with cheesy endings.

“Got it. Told you it was possible,” Jungwon announces, the collection door swinging open to reveal a fluffy dino stuffie. “Seriously, after all these years you still need my help?”

You let out a derisive snort as you seized the plushie from his hands. “Well, you haven’t changed much either, have you? Nearly told everyone I’m an otaku on my first day. I do have a death wish, mind you.”

His smirk really is the same, you realise, as his dimples emerge as prominently as you remember. It’s actually quite endearing, though you’ll never tell him that. ‘Sorry, but I couldn’t have known you’re a closet otaku now? You used to be so blatant about it. ‘Ohmagawsh have you seen the new nyeh nyeh nyeh? The love interests are so hot I’d lick their abs.’ That’s how you sounded like, you know?”

“Stop, someone could hear us and I can say goodbye to my job!”

“Relax, no one’s here. You never used to care so much about people’s opinions, though,” he quips, reaching out to grab a piece of fried chicken. “So? What’s the tragic backstory behind your pathetically closeted fangirling?”

Your elbow accidentally collides with Jungwon’s ribs, nearly pushing him out of the high chair. “I was only like that with you. And it’s…a long story.”

“It’s also a long night.” That was how Jungwon was. Always there, always listening.

You have to take a swig of your Calpis to steel yourself, after all it’s not a story you like to tell. But he’s your best friend, and he’s the only one you’d trust with a fraction of your secret.

“Somewhere during university, I guess the pressure to be a…normal student was pretty high. So I decided to put my uh, unorthodox hobbies into the rhetorical closet?” You pause, lips pinching as you try to avoid his questioning look. Somehow you can’t bring yourself to tell him the whole truth. A part of you begs to confide in him, because you just know he’s the only one who might understand. But…

Jungwon watches you, an emotion you can’t pinpoint brewing in his sharp eyes. “Is that all?”

“Y-yeah. It’s a pretty good reason if you ask me.” Your tone is more defensive than you mean it to be, considering this is meant to be no more than a casual catch-up session with an old friend.

He shrugs, stare boring right through your soul. It’s funny how the guy you haven’t met for half a decade is the one who knows you best, even better than yourself. “I don’t believe you.”

And you crack. It’s surprising, really, that after so many months of holding yourself together it is Jungwon who becomes the catalyst to your spiral. Your vision melts into a blurry kaleidoscope of colours as the words fall from your lips. You tell him everything. About you falling so deeply in love with your boyfriend of three years that you plucked up the courage to tell him about your less-than-perfect lifestyle. About him asking for a breakup in a matter of minutes after the confession. About him telling everyone at your workplace, about people you once considered friends pretending you don’t exist, about being so openly mocked you have no choice but to resign and escape from a nightmare you know was created by your own two hands. And you know telling Yang Jungwon about your dirty laundry isn’t going to turn back time, isn’t going to bring your old life back, but you tell him anyway because it feels safe and right somehow. He feels safe and right.

He always has.

When your world stops spinning and you return to reality, you find yourself sinking your nails into the plushie, eyes stinging slightly, and Jungwon’s hand is on your back, palm rubbing circles into your back. You’ve gotta admit, it feels better than you thought it would. It coaxes more out of you, words you didn’t know were in you before. “I swore off telling anyone I date about being an otaku. Saves me so much more effort and heartbreak.”

He raises his eyebrows, a thin crease forming across his forehead. “What about finding an otaku partner? Saved you the heartache.”

The question instantly sobers you up, your back straightening as if you weren’t on the verge of sobbing your eyeballs out a moment ago. “Hey, that’s just weird! Besides, I’d get zero attention from them.”

“That’s rich coming from you.”

The conversation evolves into something more lighthearted, and it’s like the five years between you two was never there to begin with. You spend the rest of the night basking in the waves of nostalgia, reliving the freedom of your childhood.

Hours later, Jungwon checks his wristwatch. “It’s late, I’ll walk you home. We still have work in the morning.”

The walk to your apartment is silent, save for the whistling of the cool night breeze in the city streets. Jungwon’s footsteps are silent - he walks just like a cat, you conclude after watching him slink along your side.

“Thanks for tonight, Yang.”

“Anytime, L/n.”

You continue soaking in the peaceful atmosphere, knowing tomorrow will be a hectic work day. Such a night is hard to come by, but maybe with Jungwon around, things’ll be more fun?

“…me?”

“Hm?” You turn to ask him what he said, but he beats you to it.

“What about me?”

You stare at him in confusion. “What about…you?”

“You said you wouldn’t tell your partner about being an otaku. Then what about me as a partner? I’d help you clear stages in games whenever you needed, I’d support you at conventions, and I wouldn’t judge you for your interests. And while we date, I’ll teach you how to not screw up future dates. You know, some sort of friends with benefits, except the benefits aren’t the usual…you know. You can treat me as practice for relationships. Dump me whenever you find someone you actually like.” Somehow, his face remains clear of any signs of embarrassment as he oh-so boldly states something that shouldn’t seem as simple as he makes it sound.

His proposal shocks you, no doubt. He’s never shown any interest in you romantically, as far as you can remember, so he can’t possibly be hitting on you right now. Besides, Yang Jungwon is a level-headed person, and his offer doesn’t seem so bad the more you think about it.

You reach out to grip his hand in a firm handshake, watching as Jungwon fails to hide the satisfied grin spreading across his face. You’ve got a feeling your face is mirroring his too. “Deal.”

And henceforth, your whirlwind otaku romance begins.

LEVEL 000 COMPLETE. PROCEED? >YES >NO

«────── « ⋅ʚ♡ɞ⋅ » ──────»

LEVEL 001: MEET THE HOMIES

You’d think getting a partner would be a life-changing experience that completely shook your world, but Jungwon just wasn’t acting like it was a big deal. You, on the other hand…

Embarrassing as it was, you were hiding from him. Who knows why. It was as though last night was a secret you had to take to your grave.

So here you are, crouched under a table while Jungwon and his friends are messing with their Switches over lunch.

Since you aren’t too far away from their table, you can catch snippets of his conversation with his gaming buddies. And as you stare a little longer, the sudden realisation hits you: you know those guys. They lived in your neighbourhood too, went to the same school, played hundreds of games with you and Jungwon too.

Kim Sunoo, the one whose name Jungwon used to call with more excitement than you’d ever seen before. He was older than you by a year, and he was the reason you and Jungwon started gaming. Every inch of his house was covered in anime posters, Genshin cosplays, full sets of manga volumes and action figurines. Plus, he had a treasure trove of a game collection that lined every wall in his house, something that still amazed you. Apparently, he’d gotten the money through cosplay wig commissions or some voice acting gig (the dude had a honeyed croon every fangirl could swoon for). Cunning, hardworking and motivated. You could see him write those on his resume.

Then there was the dude who hulked over your…boyfriend and Sunoo. Nishimura Riki. If you recalled correctly, Riki was like a little brother to Jungwon, who would take him anywhere and everywhere. His parents owned a dance studio, and Riki had put his skills to good use. Cosplay thirst traps were all your feeds consisted of, and you’d stumbled across Riki’s account one day, featuring the tall boy in a maid outfit. By the looks of it, he worked here. The apron gave it away.

Just how much did you miss?

“Yah! That’s the third time you missed a shot today. And you never miss!” you hear Sunoo whine. “Who are you and what have you done with my talented dongsaeng?”

Riki snickers “Hyung, he’s distracted. Look at him. He can’t focus.” He leans towards Jungwon, a meaningful smile curling on his face. “He logged on late last night, didn’t he? I bet he went on a date.”

Jungwon’s fingers slipped.

“AAAAAAAH JUNGWON-AH WHAT DID YOU DO?!” Sunoo’s wails fill the cafe, earning a hasty shush from Jungwon. “Honestly, you guys are so dramatic. Is it so unbelievable?”

“Ah, but hyung, this is different. You’ve been single your whole life cause you can’t get over-”

“Shut up.”

You hear Jungwon exhale, fingers fiddling with the power button of his switch. “Look, it’s not like that okay? She and I are just dating till she gets an actual boyfriend.”

A pause. Then hysterical laughter begins to echo through the small cafe. “You’ve got to be kidding me, Won,” Sunoo wheezes, slapping his knee so hard you hear the smack ringing in your ears. “You of all people should know these things never end the way you expect it to. Aren’t you supposed to be a shoujo plot expert?”

“What do you even expect me to know? This isnt real life!”

“Hyung, I know a good pick up line you can use on her. Are you an angel? Cause your health bar dropped when you fell from heaven.”

“That sucks, Riki.”

Much as you’d like to watch Jungwon dig a deeper hole for himself with every word that comes out of his mouth, you do have an ounce of pity for him.

You walk over to their table, pulling out a chair. “Oh? Didn’t expect to bump into you here.”

Sunoo falls off his chair in shock, but he just stays on the floor staring at you with almost comically wide eyes. “Y/n?! We all thought you died when you disappeared from our neighbourhood?”

“Died?! I left to study, who told you I died?”

Shaking his head, Sunoo giggles deliriously. “Wait till you find out what Jungwon’s love life is like. Did you know he’s got a…a fake girlfriend?”He barely gets the words out before another fit of giggles knocks him over.

You clear your throat. “I…might know a thing or two.” Jungwon’s head spins towards you, the existential horror evident on his betrayed glare. “Y/n, why would you tell them that?” The boys perk up almost immediately, the sound of Sunoo slamming the table reverberating off the walls as the owner shoots dirty glares at Riki. “No way, his fake girl is you?”

Just as Sunoo is about to tease you even more, Riki comes to your rescue. “Ah, who cares. At least you can game with us now. Hoyoverse ID, please.”

You wince, grinning sheepishly. “Yeah, about that, my ex deleted my account as revenge. I haven’t found time to restart.”

“Sheesh, Y/n, what kind of exes do you have?

“Bitter ones, obviously.”

“So Jungwon’s better than them all?”

“Oi Riki shut your mouth.”

LEVEL 001 COMPLETE. PROCEED? >YES >NO

«────── « ⋅ʚ♡ɞ⋅ » ──────»

LEVEL 002: FIRST DATE?!

Being in a relationship requires commitment. That much you’re aware of. Miraculously, so is Jungwon despite his absolute lack of experience.

“So Riki wasn’t joking? You’ve really never dated anyone ? Why?”

Jungwon sighs. If he weren’t so busy with his mouse, he’d probably have glared you down. “Didn’t think I needed it, don’t ask why.”

“Sheesh, okay. So touchy.”

This is how you’ve been spending your after-hours: playing any PVP game that suits your mood with your…boyfriend? Neither of you had really made an effort to give each other any experience dating someone who didn’t spend 24 hours a day thinking of 2D characters.

Jungwon’s fingers fly across the WASD as he continues the conversation. It’s a skill he seems to have acquired after so many years of doing this with Sunoo and Riki. “I think we should stick to the plan we agreed on.”

“What plan? We never planned anything.”

He swallows audibly, eyes darting around the screen of his monitor as his avatar creeps nearer towards his opponent’s “We need to try going on an actual date. Zero gaming references, strictly no mentions of your manga allowed. Practice makes perfect.”

“Practice makes perfect,” you echo. He’s right, you have to admit. It’s been fun having him around to help you level up in your games, but there’s no way you can continue on like this. The arrangement might as well be off, if that were the case.

Right?

You don’t miss the cheeky edge in his voice as he speaks. “You’ll have a harder time than me, so let’s have a bet. If you mention anything anime or manga or video game-related, I get to pick what games we play for a week.”

“Oh come on, there’s no way I’m gonna play Mario Kart for a week. If I win, you have to play a full Mystic Messenger route with me.”

Jungwon groans, falling back against the backrest as he slides away from you. “Now I really need to win.”

The following day, you find yourself standing at the gates of a small theme park. Squeals of pure delight fill the air as children dart around visitor’s legs. Pop-up shops line the edges of the park, with colourful carnival booths and cotton candy of every flavour imaginable. In other words, paradise.

Coincidentally, it’s also the place you and Jungwon visited when you graduated from high school, and you can’t help but wonder if he remembers it the way you do.

With Jungwon by your side, you head straight for the merry-go-round. Beckoning towards Jungwon, you swing your legs over a plastic horse. The spinning disc begins to rotate, and your horse bounces you upwards. “Ha, I’m finally taller than you!” you joke cheerily.

He shakes his head fondly, signature smirk curling to reveal his teeth. “In your dreams. Do you remember the first time we came here?”

“Oh yeah, in kindergarten I think? Your sister took us here. We snuck off to the spinning teacups twice.”

“If she hadn’t found us, we’d have gone a third time,” he snorts. “I miss being a scrappy kid. No need to worry if someone’s gonna kill me for my typos, or my parents nagging at me to bring a girl home. Just doing what I want to. Preferably with you.”

You hum absently, pondering on his sudden confession. It’s true, neither of you would have believed it if ten years ago, someone had told you you’d be doing a nine-to-five desk job. “Heh, we used to say we wanted to be game developers. Look at us now.”

“Look at us now.”

The next five minutes make you feel as though the two of you are in your own little bubble, and you are so lost in conversation that you almost don’t notice that the ride has stopped. As you step off the platform, you find yourself wishing this could last forever. Wasn’t so bad, was it?

“C’mon, I wanna try the roller coaster next.” Jungwon nudges you towards the loopy tracks, painted in a blinding white that reflects the bright morning sun. “Last I checked, you’re pretty good with heights.”

With his hand on your shoulders, he steers you towards the winding line of poor souls who don’t know what’s coming. Luckily for you, this isn’t your first time. Following Jungwon’s lead, you march forward. The day’s going well so far, but somehow it just doesn’t really feel like a date. Oh well, that can be built up over time. You squeeze your way through a small crowd, peering over tall shoulders. And as the crowd parts ever so slightly…

It can’t be.

Not far from you, a head of dyed blonde hair glints in the sunlight. As you lean forward, you see the face attached to it. Your ex.

And hand-in-hand with him is another ex-colleague.

You should’ve known, really. They’d been making eyes at each other even while you were dating, so this shouldn’t be a surprise. But as your fingers dig into the sleeves of Jungwon’s sweater, you can’t ignore the way your heart clenches painfully, dread coursing through your limbs as you will your legs to just move along.

For better or worse, Jungwon is a highly perceptive person. He follows your gaze. “Is that…” His voice trails off, hands tightening their grip on your back.

You swallow thickly, trying to tear your eyes away. “Y-yeah. Let’s keep moving, shall we?”

Forcing a smile, you surge forward with greater resolve than ever. Today’s not about him, is it? It’s about you and Jungwon. Right. Today can still be a good day.

“Y/n?”

Jungwon’s voice rings clearly despite the bustling visitors surrounding you. You look up in surprise as his arm wraps around your shoulders, hand squeezing your bicep firmly. An assurance. “Ignore him. Even if he spots you, he wouldn't dare come here.”

“And if he does?”

“He’s just a side character in the grand scheme of things. You’re the main focus today, don’t let him ruin our date…or whatever.”

His words send your heart aflutter, warmth filling your veins like honey. Leave it to Yang Jungwon to make you feel special. “Now say it with me: I am weirdo otaku, and my ex is a smelly normie with no real hobbies.”

You know he means it as a joke, but somehow you can hear your voice growing louder and more confident as you repeat after him for laughs, and you realise that for the first time in months, you are perfectly calm about the whole thing. Maybe it’s the fact that you know for sure he’s in the wrong now. Maybe it’s the fact that Jungwon literally has your back. Either way, you’ve finally found it in you to stand up for yourself.

“Right, I’ve got a date to enjoy with my boyfriend.” Hooking your arm with Jungwon’s, you lead him towards the cotton candy stand. “I can’t stand the sight of that bastard, so let’s go.”

A genuine smile graces Jungwon’s cat-like features, dimples deepening as he gazes at you with so much fondness in his eyes it’s as though you’re the only one in his world. You suppose years of knowing each other gives him that right, but you can’t explain away the tickly sensation in your belly when he looks at you that way. “Well, I’m glad. At least that’s one obstacle we’ve overcome through this amazing plan of ours-“

“And thank you for joining me in the Mystic Messenger grind.”

“What? Since when?” He gapes, horror dawning on his face as he realises the situation he’s gotten himself stuck in.

“Oh, you know exactly what you did.”

“...that doesn’t count.”

“Does too!”

“Does not.”

“Whatever you say, loser. Get ready for a tearjerker marathon, Won. We better stock up on tissues before we start tonight.”

LEVEL 002 COMPLETE. PROCEED? >YES >NO

«────── « ⋅ʚ♡ɞ⋅ » ──────»

LEVEL 003: MIXED SIGNALS

You are positively, utterly, tragically, extremely screwed. Why? Because you have a chapter of a doujin to upload. Tomorrow. And said chapter is…nonexistent. And judging by the influx of comments under your discord, the fans aren’t gonna be happy if you don’t keep your promise. Then again, neither are you. You’re actually just excited for this, but to think you might just let your readers down…

You sigh, cracking your knuckles as you flop into the study chair. This is not the time to be panicking, you decide as you pick up your pen. You’ve got the plot down, the action scenes are already looping in your head, plus the cheesy romance factor is definitely, undeniably there. So what’s the issue here? Why is it that as you twirl the digital pen between your fingers, you are staring at a blank canvas?

Death by manga. Not a bad way to go out. You try to squeeze your brain, gulp down a whole cup of hot tea, hot coffee, anything at all. But none of it works. An hour later you are still met with a snowy white expanse across your PC, not a single face, hand, just nothing. Great.

You reach for your phone. Maybe checking the fan art submissions will give you some ideas. But as you pick it up, a notification tone pings, screen lighting up as a message pops into existence. A red heart floats beside the text.

won<3: why r u online on twt rn arent u supposed 2 b asleep

you: omg ur online pls save me n log on 2 discord thx

Almost immediately, your discord alert tone goes off, and Jungwon’s voice blasts from your monitor. “You okay? You should’ve turned in for the night two hours ago. What’s keeping you up?” The concern in his tone is evident, despite the virtual barrier. It feels good, to know someone’s looking out for you. Especially if that someone is Jungwon.

“Listen…you know how my new chapter is up tomorrow? Well, I kiiinda haven’t finished drawing it yet.”

The silence in your room is telling, save for what you think might be Jungwon dropping his bag of chips. “Y/n, you can’t be serious. Share the file with me, we don’t have much time if you want to get any sleep tonight at all.”

“Really? You’ll help? Thank you so so much I’ll buy you dinner tomorrow.” You fiddle with the controls, and it just so happens that Jungwon decides to turn his camera on at the exact same time. His face appears across your screen, and for a moment you forget what you’re supposed to be doing.

Although it’s past midnight, he still looks absolutely gorgeous. With the contacts off, his eyes are their natural black, sharper than when you see him in the mornings. You are about to question why he is so alert today when your eyes fall on his pursed lips, a pretty shade of pink, much like when you were kids. He did grow up well, you’ve got to admit. But instead of his features making you flustered, it seems to make your heart ache instead. It’s an inexplicable feeling, similar to nostalgia. Regret for the years you’ve lost.

“What even…y/n, I don’t think this is called being unfinished. You didn’t even start.” He runs a hand through his auburn hair, expression giving away the exasperation directed at you. “Well, we better get started. Pick your pen up, we’re in for a long night.”

The next two hours are spent brainstorming and you panicking over the lineart, while Jungwon tries to colour in the cover page. Every time you let out an “oops”, you swear you see the cat ears on Jungwon’s headset twitch in annoyance. (Not that it matters, but that’s the headset you got for him for his eighteenth birthday.)

After a while, you settle into a comfortable silence, save for the gentle tapping of your pen’s nib on the screen. “Hey, Won?”

Hearing the hum of acknowledgement from his end, you continue. “Did you…miss me when I left? I know you found out from my mother, but only because I was too scared to tell you on my own.”

There is a pause, where only Jungwon’s even breaths are audible. Finally, he answers your question. “Y/n, you were my best friend. You still are. Of course I missed you.” He says it like it is so obvious, like it is a given for him to care so much about you, platonic or not.

“Weren’t you a little…disappointed by what I was like when we met again that day? I did try to pretend I’d changed.” You’ve never actually told Jungwon that if he hadn’t talked to you that night, you were planning to never approach him again. Back then, you would’ve wanted to pretend he didn’t exist. But that night at the arcade, and how he’d shown you over the past few months that he wasn’t going anywhere, it made you wonder. Why’d you want to stick with me?

“Disappointed? Never. Not in you. You haven’t had it easy since you left our hometown, I know. But from here out, I’m sure you’ve figured out what you want, haven’t you?”

A wave of relief washes over you, the comfort dulling your senses as you rest your chin on the desk. “You’re setting my standards a little too high, you know.” Your eyelids begin to droop, the prolonged exposure to the screen beginning to take its toll on you. Slowly, the world fades to black. “Won, can you wake me in five minutes?” you manage to get out, before your consciousness slips away as you lay your head down.

Unbeknownst to you, Jungwon watches your slumbering figure, a bittersweet tang in his mouth as he admires your fluttering eyelashes, the slight rise and fall of your shoulders, the tiny twitches of your enticing lips, a virtual barrier separating him from your sleeping frame. His fingers trace the image of you cast on his pc, chest cavity clenching painfully as he realises how much more beautiful you’ve become in the five years that passed with regret. “If I had told you back then, would we be what we are now?”

The next day arrives without a hitch. You had to apologise to Jungwon for falling asleep on call, to which he replied with a cheeky eye roll. “If you want to make it up to me, come over to my place tonight. Wii sports isn’t fun as a single-player game.”

You wrap up your work in record time, with your supervisor being so incredibly impressed that she almost tries to assign you extra work, but you manage to run away before she gives you overtime for the third time this week.

Jungwon has been to your place many times, but you haven’t actually visited his apartment before. The times you go over to pick up stuff aren’t counted because you don’t actually go in, and you’re honestly curious to see what your…boyfriend(?)’s taste in interior design is.

After picking up some takeaway from a nearby yakitori place, you and Jungwon make the short trip from the office to his place. “What’s it like? Do you have a whole cabinet dedicated to your vocaloid figurines or something?”

“Nope,” he shrugs, an odd look on his face as he eyes you warily. “I have some…ah never mind.” He stops, and you realise you have reached his front door. He swings the door open, hands fumbling in the dark for the light switch. “Welcome to my apartment. Make yourself at home. There’s some soda in the fridge if you’re thirsty.”

One look into the apartment is all you need to know that Yang Jungwon is the same, tidy creature you’ve always known. The living room is minimalistic, with a deep blue couch in the centre. A small television leans against a wall, some wires disappearing into the back. To the left, a small cloth-covered box sits in the corner, and you assume it is for his gadgets. The kitchen looks extremely new. Too new, even, and knowing Jungwon he’s probably never actually used it before. A short corridor leads to the bedroom, but the lights don’t reach that area.

Jungwon drops the keys into a small basket on the kitchen counter. “Bathroom’s in the bedroom down the hallway. If you want, you can take a shower. I’ll leave a shirt for you. Might not be a good fit though.” He doesn’t even have to look at you to know, since his shoulders are just so broad that if you were to put on his clothes, they’d probably slide right off you. But why does the thought of wearing his shirt make your cheeks burn? You used to do this when you were kids, when you crashed at his house for sleepovers and you forgot your pyjamas. You’d borrow his favourite pyjamas just to watch him pout, but he could never say no to you. And when he began to outgrow you, you were a little disappointed when he decided to just give that set to you since “you seemed to like them so much”.

“I invited Sunoo and Riki, they’ll be over soon. I’ll get the console set up, so you go clean yourself up.”

Without a single protest, you thank him and make your way into the bedroom. You’re dying to wash up after a long day at work. The moment you step in, you are greeted by the pleasant smell of lavender and chamomile. His childhood home used to smell like that too, so the aroma is somewhat nostalgic, and very welcome too. The bed covers are tucked into the sides of the bedframe neatly, its colours matching the couch outside. His favourite colour hadn’t changed all this time. In fact, you’re willing to bet his gaming controller is blue.

As you peer into the washroom, you notice a small bottle of makeup remover, its contents still to the brim. You’d mentioned passing your favourite brand once, and there it is, perched on the bathroom counter. For some strange reason, an odd warmth trickles into your chest as you shut the door.

Your shower is quick but thorough, and as you step out you notice the pile of clothes on the bed. Slipping on the soft fabric, you sniff the sleeves. It smells kind of like the cologne you told him smelled nice on him once. So he did remember. He always did remember the weirdest things, after all.

“Who did?” Jungwon leans into your ear from behind you, his breathy whisper tickling its way into your ears. The sudden assault on your hearing makes your neck twitch away from him, but as you lurch away from him your balance tips. The fabric of Jungwon’s loose T-shirt bunches in your fist as you hold onto him for support, but you end up dragging him down with you. As your back hits the bed, you hear a soft oomph from Jungwon. “Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry,” you gasp, turning your head to the left and-

oh.

His face is inches from yours, a proximity that you never would’ve thought possible until now. Every shaky breath between his lips is accentuated with a nervous swallow as you watch him attempt and fail to pry his eyes away from your lips. You gasp audibly, feeling lightheaded despite already being on your back and your fingers are twitching desperately. The odd warmth is back, and your body moves on its own accord, fingers reaching out to Jungwon’s jaw. But as your fingertips are just a millimetre away from his skin, Jungwon seemingly sobers up, abruptly breaking the spell for himself. “S-sorry, don’t know what came over me,” he stutters, sitting up before you can touch him. He moves to get off the bed, but something within you breaks. Without warning, your hand snaps to his wrist, tugging him backwards and it’s all too fast, you shouldn’t be thinking about your best friend like this-

But here you are, leaning in to join your lips with his. It’s not your first kiss, but it may as well be with the way your heartbeat pounds in your ears, adrenaline shooting through your veins as you wrap your fingers around the nape of his neck, pulling him closer. The distance is too little, too much, the electrifying heat unbearable yet so addictive. With your eyes shut, the hesitant brush of his palm on your hip is magnified tenfold, and your heart races as you feel him bury a hand in your wet hair, his thumb grazing your cheek slightly. It’s gentle, it’s sweet, it’s perfect, and you smile against his lips. But before you can lock your fingers with his, everything disappears. He pulls away from every part of you, and it is only then that your eyes flutter open.

“Y/n, I…”

A weight in your chest drops as you see the guilty expression on his face, eyes looking anywhere but you. “You…I’m sorry.”

You shake your head, fingers reaching for his own, but he retracts his hand faster. “Wait, don’t go. We just…you just - okay, what are you saying sorry for again?”

He gulps, throat bobbing as he purses his lips firmly to stop them from trembling. “I think you’re probably just confused since we hadn’t seen each other for a while. Just, let’s not do…that again, or-”

“Or what?!”

“Or I’ll think you actually like me.”

You scan his face, searching for any signs of mischief, but his eyes are still averted, biting his lip like a guilt-ridden cat. Normally you’d think this is cute, but right now nothing but irritation is clouding over any instinct to be calm about whatever’s going on right now. “Jungwon, I literally just kissed you. What else would I mean other than that? People don’t kiss people they don’t like.”

“You’re confused, Y/n,” he sighs, rubbing his temple tiredly. You want those hands on yours right now, but he isn’t going to give it to you and you know it. “You don’t know what you want. Heck, neither of us know what we’re doing. What was this stupid deal anyway? It was selfish of me to even let this happen, I mean it’s been five years. This was just a whole stupid idea to give teenage me what he wanted. You probably don’t even need me in your life, and it’s so stupid of me to want to be in yours like this.”

“Are you kidding me? I want you here. I like you, and I want you by my side just like this right now. I’m not leaving again, Jungwon. Do you…did you even like me at all?”

“Yes. Too much. But you’re…” he trails off, a muffled groan escaping his lips as he buries his face into his knees. “If you knew how much I really like you, you’d never be able to leave.”

“Then I won’t-”

The doorbell interrupts you, and Jungwon takes the opportunity to scramble off the bed, leaving you alone in the room. Sunoo and Riki’s loud banter drifts into the small space. As Jungwon’s scent becomes too strong for you to bear in the room, you grab a breather before walking out. “Hey guys,” you murmur, resisting the urge to roll your eyes as Jungwon pretends to be busy with the controllers.

“Were we interrupting something?” Sunoo asks absently, fussing with the snacks he brought from the convenience store downstairs. When neither of you reply him, Riki smirks knowingly. “Lovers’ quarrel, then?”

You smack Riki in the arm. “You’ll regret that when I kick your butt at Wii sports later.”

At your overly confident declaration, Jungwon lets out a loud snort. “Oh yeah, because you’re so good at bowling, Y/n.” His snide comment ticks you off, bringing out your competitive streak. “Oh it’s on, Yang,” you growl, cracking your knuckles in the most menacing angle you can find.

The night is full of laughter, despite the tension between you and Jungwon. It’s easy to ignore, with Sunoo and Riki over, but every now and then you look over at Jungwon, who purposefully maintains his absolute lack of eye contact with you. Which is atypical of him, and you’re sure Sunoo’s already noticed but knows better than to point it out. After rounds and rounds of stupid games that usually end with someone falling over, you flop onto the couch, cracking open a can of marble soda. “That last move was killer. Don’t think I’ll be able to walk tomorrow,” you groan, taking a swig of your soda as if it’s alcohol and you’re a tired mother. (Technically you all can legally drink, but you know better than to do that tonight because Jungwon will freak if you guys throw up in his apartment.)

Riki chuckles, tossing another can across the living room towards Sunoo. “Ha, Y/n’s getting old.”

“I’ll get the Salonpas, you guys sit here,” Jungwon sighs, jumping up from his seat on the couch to the cupboard behind you. He throws a few at your head, and chucks another box at Sunoo, who glares at him like he just said mint chocolate ice cream’s the most disgusting dessert he’s ever eaten.

“You’ll thank me tomorrow, Sunoo.”

Mumbling a string of inaudible words, Sunoo slaps a patch on his shoulder. “What time do you want to sleep?”

“NEVER.”

Jungwon fiddles with a bunch of wires, and the screen of his nintendo flashes across the TV. “Anyone up for a DDLC run?”

“How do you still have this? And why is your progress already two days in?”

“Y/n and I played it the two weeks we were messing with Mysme, so we wouldn’t get bored.”

“Oh nice, whose death did you remember most?”

“Gotta be Yuri’s, I think.”

“No way, Natsuki’s freaked me out more. I nearly threw the game out the window when I saw it.”

“Natsuki?!”

Their quarrelling continues, and you shake your head in amusement. You’ve played the game multiple times, enough to the point nothing about it scares you anymore. When you and Jungwon first played it together in elementary school, you couldn’t sleep for a whole week. Cue the endless sleepovers, where every little creak of the door would jerk you two awake. You remember having to hold Jungwon’s hand under the covers for security.

But now, that memory only serves to remind you of the events that came about a few hours ago. Disconnecting yourself from the conversation, you lean back into the couch, fingers subconsciously drifting to your own lips. The feeling hasn’t really faded, resurfacing every time you think about it too long. As your eyes flutter shut, your mind goes back to what he said earlier. Are you really using him as a rebound? But you still believe, after all this time, that it’s fate who brought you back to him. You need him in your life again, nothing to do with your ex.

Which brings you to the question: where’s the fine line between friendship and romance? Because with every passing day, Jungwon’s every move makes you start to question what he really means to you.

You hear a rustling of fabric, and a small felt blanket is draped over you, the soft material sliding over your toes. “Is she asleep?” you hear Sunoo ask.

Judging by the fact that Jungwon’ voice is nearest to you, you assume he’s the one who gave you the blanket. “Sure looks like it. Guess we bored her to sleep.” The couch cushions sink, and you feel the backrest dip.

“So, Jungwon, what happened before we got here? Did you guys fight or something?”

Jungwon sighs. “It’s…I think I made a mistake with her. She’s mixing up her feelings, and she probably just missed me.” There is an unmistakable bitterness in his words, the way he spits them out with such self-doubt that it makes your heart ache. You want to open your eyes and grab him by the shoulders and shake him awake, but now isn’t the time.

“But Jungwon hyung, I don’t think she just misses you. I’ve seen the way she looks at you. It’s kinda gross. You two are disgustingly cute.”

“It’s not romantic, Riki. She didn’t like me when we were kids, why would she like me now? The least I could do for her is to not get in the way of her future since that’s what we agreed on, but-”

“But do you like her?” Sunoo asks, ripping open a bag of potato chips.

“I don’t know. When we were kids I coud just brush it off as stupid teenage infatuation. I thought I got over her, but the moment I met her again everything felt different. It’s...I don't know. It’s just not the same.” The frustration is evident in his tone, and you have to fight the urge to crack your eyelids open and yell at him. It all hits you for the first time how hard your departure from his life must have hit him. His own best friend (and childhood crush) disappearing without a trace, and not even telling him.

Luckily, Sunoo comes to your rescue. “She returns your feelings, then. She’s back for good, Jungwon. You’re not holding her back, trust me. She’ll stay this time.”

The long pause is almost painful for you, who cannot see the look on Jungwon’s face now. You can picture it, but the curiosity is near unbearable. To your surprise, Jungwon is the one who breaks the silence.

“But…what if she wants to leave again? What then?”

What then? It’s a question begging to be answered, an enigma that should not be. Even Sunoo falls silent at Jungwon's raw, vulnerable confession that he’s scared, terrified even that he’ll lose you someday. No, you want to say. I won’t leave again. But would he believe you? Sunoo might. Riki does. But Jungwon? The one who missed you twice as much as you missed him, the one who took you back in a heartbeat, the one who willingly let himself suffer for a taste of what he thought he couldn’t have. It’s not fair, you decide. It’s not fair that Yang Jungwon is so selfless and aware of every little detail, pretending to be unbothered by everything under the sun. But you know that’s not the truth, that beneath those sturdy shoulders you’ve leaned on for far too long, there is a boy who just wants your love. It’s ironic, really, that the person who hurt him most is the one who has the power to end the years-long torment he’s been put through.

Your thoughts are jumbled in your brain as a restless sleep finally claims you. Just before you nod off, you hear the flip of a switch, the rustling of a mattress being pulled out, and…

A kiss on the forehead.

LEVEL 003 COMPLETE. PROCEED? >YES >NO

SIDE QUEST OPEN! PROCEED? >YES >NO

«────── « ⋅ʚ♡ɞ⋅ » ──────»

SIDE QUEST XX: MEET THE PARENTS

After that groundbreaking sleepover, a lot of things go unsaid between you and Jungwon. Somehow, there’s a weird gap where you’re eager to talk about what happened that day, while Jungwon seems to want to avoid it completely, contrary to what he said that night. You still pass each other at work, but no text messages ever come in like they used to, inviting you to play whatever mind-numbing game he feels like. It’s the quiet that scares you most, and even though Sunoo called you the other day to tell you not to worry, that Jungwon will come to his senses already, you fear that this is the day Jungwon ends his common sense streak.

You’re beginning to plan on how to get a key to his apartment when you hear a light tapping on your work booth. Swivelling your chair around, you find yourself face to face with the very person who’s been occupying your thoughts. You take a moment to look him up and down, searching for any signs he may be regretting pushing you away that day. But all you see is a sheepish Jungwon, dressed in the cutest pink sweater you’ve ever seen, and the earphones you gave him hanging around his neck. “Um, Y/n…can we talk?”

For a moment, your heart leaps. Is he going to make amends? You jump up, dragging him into a secluded corner. “Is this about…you know?”

“No…I’m sorry. It’s the opposite, actually. It kinda slipped my mind about what we wanted to do over the weekend. Do you still remember?”

Remember? Of course you remember. This weekend, you were supposed to go back to your hometown to visit both your parents. You’d gone back to spend time with your parents before, but never with any of the neighbours who used to dote on you as a child. And after the arrangement you and Jungwon had, you decided to visit his family, where he would introduce you as his girlfriend just to get his parents off his back about “settling down”.

But now that whatever’s between you two is more obvious than ever, it would probably make sense to Jungwon to cancel. Yet a part of you deflates at the thought. “I still wanna go, if that’s what you mean.”

You watch as Jungwon gulps, throat bobbing as he squeezes his hands together. “Won’t you feel a little weirded out? I mean, after…that, I’d understand completely.”

“Hate to break it to you Jungwon-ssi, but the awkwardness is very much one-sided.”

He seems to hesitate for a moment, before speaking up again. “Are you sure-”

“YES. I want your mother’s jajangmyeon. You can’t keep me away from it forever.”

And with that, the deal is done. Ignoring Jungwon’s absolutely manic laugh of disbelief, you slip back into your seat, a plan already beginning to form.

That same weekend, you stand in front of the Yang family’s apartment, a death grip on the handle of the crocker in your hands. Yet when paired side by side with Jungwon, it’s clear almost immediately who’s the stressed one.

“Isn’t the girlfriend supposed to be the scared one when meeting the parents? Why are you the one acting like you’re about to faint in front of your own house?!” you chide, nudging him with your elbow hard enough to throw his balance off. Still, he squeezes your shoulder in what you assume is some awkward show of reassurance. “You don’t have to do this, no one’ll blame you.”

“Now is not the time to be regretting your decisions, so suck it up. You’re the only one with a problem about this.” You can’t help the curt edge in your tone, because try as you might, it’s undeniable that meeting the Yang family after so many years freaks you out. They loved you as their son’s best friend, no doubt, but as a potential future daughter-in-law?

Before either of you can start to get cold feet, you lunge for the doorbell. The button is worn, from years of you, Sunoo and Riki jabbing it every day. From the sound of it, the batteries must’ve been replaced recently, but the melody retains its same nostalgic tune.

Almost immediately, you hear the fumbling of keys in a lock, and the door swings wide open to reveal a familiar face.

“ Jungwon-ah, you’re here-” It’s as though you can pinpoint the exact moment his mother realises who the girl standing next to her son is. “Is that…Y/n? It’s been so long! We’ve missed you so much! Jungwon-ah, why didn’t you tell me you met her? I could’ve organised dinner with her family long ago! Ah, what a wonderful surprise. Come in, come in!” She invites you in without waiting for you to greet her, practically dragging you into the house. “Make yourself at home, although you probably already feel at home. Oh, is this for me? Thank you so much, dear, what a thoughtful child you are!” Accepting the pot of food you prepared, she hurries into the kitchen for a pair of mittens.

You take your time to look around with Jungwon’s supervision. Not much has changed, save for the little white gate barely holding back the family dog. Maeumi (which is the adorable ball of fluff’s name, according to Jungwon) leans against the gate eagerly, barking with sheer joy at the sight of Jungwon. “Do you…wanna pet her?” Jungwon asks awkwardly as he notices you eyeing her in adoration. As he gets a nod from you, he can’t help the chuckle that escapes from him, and he bends down to fiddle with the lock.

Almost instantly, Maeumi bounds into Jungwon’s outstretched arms, licking his face uncontrollably as Jungwon laughs. “So it’s easier for a dog to get a kiss from you than a human, huh,” you mumble softly. Jungwon just rolls his eyes, his cheeks turning visibly red.

You hear the slam of a door. “Why didn’t anyone tell me Jungwon was here…oh Y/n!” Jungwon’s sister runs out of her room, sweeping you into a tight embrace. “Who would’ve guessed, our sweet baby brother brings his childhood sweet-”

“NOONA.”

She giggles deliriously, absently dismissing Jungwon with a wave of her hand. “Come on, Y/n. We have lots to catch up on.”

The rest of the night goes by seamlessly. Dinner is a casual affair, which feels more like a reunion as your parents drop by unexpectedly and end up joining in the conversation. As expected, most of the questions are about you and Jungwon. (“Where did you meet?” “How long have you been dating?”) With Jungwon by your side throughout the meal, you manage to catch him staring at you an absurd number of times, and they always end with him ducking away again. He’s usually confident in these kinds of settings, and he probably would appear so to everyone else, but for some reason you can almost feel the nervousness radiating off him like he’s some sort of weird lava lamp. Still, things go as planned without any slips of the tongue where you might accidentally reveal that your “love lives” (if any) were in jeopardy.

After the plates have been washed and cleared away, everyone shifts into the living room again, all the parents claiming their spots on the large L-shaped sofa. You, Jungwon and his sister seat yourselves on the floor, Maeumi resting on your belly. Surprisingly, the puppy took a liking to you quickly.

As the conversation lulls on, Jungwon leans nearer towards you. “Tired? I can take you home early if you’d like.” In response, you slap his thigh gently. “No one’s going anywhere, stop trying to make me leave before I work my magic on your parents. Too scared they’ll make you keep me?” As expected, Jungwon pointedly ignores you, opting to take a sip of his tea.

Half an hour in, Jungwon’s sister suddenly rises. “Hey Y/n, can you come out to the balcony with me? I want to catch some air.” She hauls you to your feet, tugging you towards the balcony far away from the others. As she locks the door, panic begins to claw up your throat. “Uh, what’s going on?”

She pats your head affectionately, sighing as she tries not to laugh. “Why do you look so scared? I’m not going to kill you, relax. I did, however, want to talk to you about something.” She gazes up at the night sky, leaning against the railing as she smiles softly. “So, Jungwon actually told me about you two way before our parents knew you two were…dating? I dunno, you guys are unlabelled right now aren’t you?”

You nod slowly, joining her on the edge of the balcony. “Honestly, I already know what I want, but Jungwon’s…scared? Worried? Maybe that’s the better word for it, but either way he thinks I’m confused about everything. Which could not be further from the truth, because I’m, uh. You know.”

“Falling in love harder than you expected to?” She sends a knowing smirk your way, one you can make out despite the relative darkness. She’s always been so aware of Jungwon’s life, and the lives of people around him. You’re no exception, and you wouldn’t have it any other way.

“Yeah. It’s funny, really, how we went from friends to…this. I miss when it wasn’t so complicated, but things change. Feelings change, and I guess I don’t want things between me and him to stay the same anymore,” you admit. It’s kind of strange to be venting to your crush’s sister, but she probably knows him better than you. If not her, then who?

She turns to face you properly, a wistful expression on her face as she stares into space. “He tells me it’s just fate that brought you two together again, you know. But if it were just fate, he wouldn’t have carried those headphones you got him all those years ago literally everywhere. I’m willing to bet he’d have spent the rest of his life looking for you.” She’s right, and you know it. It’s not fate that brought you together. It can’t be, because that would mean everything that happened so far can be chalked up to everyone just following some story where you already know the ending. You made this decision on your own, to fall for Jungwon. He chose, years ago, to not let go of his feelings for you. And you refuse to let yourself be tossed around by the waves of life any longer. This time, Yang Jungwon will not disappear from your life, lost to the trials of time.

“Don’t let him out of your sight, Y/n. Dependable as he may seem, he’s still the baby of the family. You’d be surprised at how insecure Jungwon can be, especially when it comes to you. Talk some sense into him, will you?”

The exchange feels like an eternity, yet at the same time too short. You’re not nearly as brave as you want to be, not to mention when it comes to feelings like this. “But the heart wants what the heart wants, doesn’t it?” you muse, earning a pleased look from Jungwon’s sister. “That’s the spirit. You have full permission to punch him in the face if he still doesn’t see sense, got it? Or you can let me do it, I’d be more than happy.”

A couple hours later, when the cups are dry, and your eyelids begin to droop, Jungwon pulls you to your feet. “I think it’s about time we leave, Y/n has a busy day tomorrow. I’ll send you home.” Observant as always, Jungwon leads you to the door, waving goodbye to your families. The moment the door shuts behind you, his shoulders slump as though a huge weight’s been taken off. “Let’s go, I’ll walk you home.”

The journey is quiet, but as you reach the door of your apartment, it seems Jungwon has enough of the silence. “That was exhausting,” he groans breathlessly, sliding down the door as he massages his forehead. You decide that this is your opportunity to swoop in.

“But…would you do it again?”

His head snaps towards you immediately, panic flickering briefly across his face as he bites his lip, searching for the right words. “As…whatever we are right now?”

You take a step closer, leaning towards him as you stare directly into his eyes in a sudden rush of confidence. “No, I want something different.”

His throat bobs visibly as he swallows thickly, fists clenching and unclenching as he looks around, anywhere to avoid your intensifying gaze. “Y/n, we talked about this.”

“Correction: you talked, and I just listened. I heard what you told Sunoo and Riki, not that I didn’t already know how you feel.” You gently tug on his collar, bringing his face closer to yours. Your knuckles brush his cheek, and this time you relish the tingles it sends down your arm, straight to your heart. “You don’t need to tell me how you feel. A part of me’s always known. Yang Jungwon, I know you from the inside out. There’s nothing you can do that I haven’t already predicted. And it goes both ways. I’m not asking for the words ‘I love you’, because I already know. So what more do we have to hide from each other?”

Jungwon’s gaze wavers slightly, but try as he might, everything in the moment seems to be screaming, pleading with him to stay. “But you…I don’t want to be the thing that holds you back. I want you to do what you want, go where you want, whenever you want.”

“You’re all I want, Won. I’m not leaving your side again. What makes you think I could leave you behind so easily? I’ve already decided what I want. So be selfish, and ask me to stay.”

As you tighten your grip on his shirt, you step closer towards him, other hand drifting upwards to stroke his cheek. Your thumb traces the ridges of his dimples, slides down the edge of his mouth, and you can feel a surge of adrenaline as his lips part to form a word. Just one word, shaky and no more than a whisper, but it’s more than enough to stop time altogether as a tear falls from his eyes.

“Stay.”

Your vision goes blurry as you slip into his arms, his chin resting on your shoulder as his palms move to your back, pulling you closer. The fabric of his vest presses into your cheek, and your senses are filled with him. It’s too much and too little, all at the same time, his scent overwhelming you as he shakes under you. A garbled sob escapes your throat, and your fingers bunch up the fabric of his clothes for support as you both sway in place.

After what feels like hours, you pull away from his grasp. “You’re so stupid,” you blurt out, but the statement is void of malice as your voice trembles.

“Who’s the idiot who left for so many years and didn’t even try to call me?”

You wipe the tears from your eyes, slapping his arm as you try to calm yourself down. “About that…my mother told me you changed your phone and gave me your new number, but when I tried calling it an old man answered every time. Last night I was clearing my messages but I accidentally tapped into your contact, and then it finally hit me that she gave me a number with one wrong digit. I swear I wanted to call you.”

“You’re an idiot.’

“But I’m your idiot, aren’t I?”

Jungwon doesn’t answer, but you can feel the fondness practically radiating off him as he squeezes your shoulders. “Very funny, Y/n. Go in, you’ve got stuff to do tomorrow.” Just before you disappear into the apartment, you feel a hand block the door from shutting entirely. “I’ll, uh. Call you tomorrow morning. Just in case your alarm clock doesn’t go off, or you roll out of bed, or-”

“Jungwon.”

“Right.” He breathes out, hand slipping through the small crack of the door to pat your head. “Goodnight, Y/n.”

“Goodnight, Jungwon.”

“Sweet dreams.”

“You too.”

“Don’t fall off the bed.”

“I won’t.”

“Don’t sleepwalk.”

“I don’t sleepwalk, you know that.”

“Fine.” As he leaves with a little wave, you pretend to close your door, before poking your head out to watch his silhouette grow smaller as he walks down the corridor. Chuckling to yourself, you finally go inside to wash up and get ready for bed. Tomorrow is another day, one with Jungwon in it. And that alone, and the knowledge that every day from this day forth will never again be void of his presence by your side, is enough to give you the courage to live for tomorrow.

«────── « ⋅ʚ♡ɞ⋅ » ──────»

a/n: so you got to the end! congratulations and condolences. this was an absolute roller coaster and i think i screwed up any semblance of a motif. positive criticism is very much welcome. heck, i think i'll take even the hate, it's all in good fun. yeah nO. i'd be lying if i said i were proud of this but hey, i'll just come up with something better. sorry it took SO LONG, my priorities are a mess. i have more planned. never again will i do something like this, leaving the comedy/fluff to someone else hurhur.

103 notes · View notes

lovetenya · 4 years ago

Text

𝐬𝐥𝐞𝐞𝐩𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐢𝐧 𝐝𝐨𝐫𝐦𝐬.

pairings: class 1-a boys x gender neutral reader

warnings: none other than swearing, otherwise just softness.

author’s note: this came to me because i’m feeling shitty and want a little love. when i say sleeping, i literally just mean sleeping. please don’t be gross, it’s against school rules.

according to the UA student handbook, sleeping anywhere other than your assigned room is strictly off-limits. especially if that place is the dorm room of another student that you have your eyes on. however, there’s something about your boyfriend’s twin sized bed, with blankets that smell like him, that’s just so comfortable.

maybe it’s the way that a twin sized bed fits two only if you’re completely wrapped up in each other, violating any laws of personal space. your legs tangle with his, and your face fits in the crook of his neck because it has to so that you don’t fall off.

or maybe it’s how sharing a twin bed encapsulates young love, so much love held in such a small place, begging for more room to spread and flourish. it’s all so intimate, so loving, so vulnerable. and honestly, there’s nobody else you’d rather be that person with, lying underneath his covers and waking with puffy eyes.

enjoy your night, and have sweet dreams as you doze off with...

tenya iida:

if you somehow convinced him to allow this, you've already won in my mind.

i mean, first of all, you’re sleeping with tenya iida. second of all, you get to be held in those big, strong arms.....................

you’re pretty lucky to catch him on a day where he’s feeling generous (or lonely) enough to let you break the rules and come to his room to cuddle, only to eventually fall asleep

i think he would sleep on his side, and hold you close so you’re chest to chest.

he’d hold the back of your head in one hand and place the other on your lower back

whatever you prefer, he will do

if you hog the blanket, he lets you, because he can't sleep with his legs under the blanket anyway! you can have his share of it and keep him warm, too

mashirao ojiro:

SOOOOOO CUDDLY!!

not at all hard to convince him to let you sleep in his room (or to get him to come to yours) bc he misses you a lot when you’re not around :(

you’re his comfort and he’s very shy (even around you)

you’d have to be the little spoon bc his tail can’t be squished and needs room to be free (it moves involuntarily sometimes, and he’d hate to accidentally whack you with it!)(he might cry)

HE’S a blanket hog and he knows it so he keeps an extra one for you

he also has stuffed animals on his bed that koda got for him hehe

denki kaminari:

he’d ask you to come to his room to help him study, but he ends up needing a lot more help than either of you expected, so you end up staying much later

he’s very cuddly but he’s also very energetic so it takes a while for him to calm down enough to actually lay down and sleep

you’d get tired before he did, and have to ask him to come lay down once he finishes that last problem

he finally does, and he tosses and turns a little before he gets comfy and finally relaxes into your arms

he holds you like a koala bear (even if you’re shorter than him, he loves clinging onto someone and feeling them)

or he sleeps like a starfish and drools everywhere. i can’t tell which one.

or he also likes being the little spoon cuz it’s cozy!!!

eijirou kirishima:

alexa, play love of my life by queen.

kiri doesn’t need any convincing to get his ass over to your room and would beg you to come to his whenever he felt lonely or like he needed a cuddle buddy

your phone pings with several texts from eijirou <3

eijirou <3: can you come over???

⤷ y/n: it’s a school night, ei.

eijirou <3: just for ten minutes???

⤷ y/n: it’s not because i don’t wanna, it’s cuz i can’t. if aizawa catches me, i’ll be in deep shit, and i do NOT (!!!) feel like cleaning with bakugo again

eijirou <3: bakugo isn’t that bad. come on!!!

eijirou <3: please?

⤷ y/n: [Read 10:37 PM]

eijirou <3: babe... i’m shivering.......

eijirou <3: i think shoto did something to me... i’m so cold..... please help

⤷ y/n: what’s wrong? do you need me to get recovery girl? or aizawa?

eijirou <3: no. i need YOU TO COME AND CUDDLE ME BEFORE I DIE FROM A LACK OF LOVE <///3 so much pain... no cuddles...

eventually, you cave and go to his room to cuddle, but not without cursing yourself for submitting to his relentlessness in capturing your full attention

he would lay directly on top of you while trying not to crush you, but has no shame in how content he is while snuggled into your neck and smushing you under the blanket

he would pepper your face in kisses and do even more once you tell him how gross his morning breath is <3!!!

mezo shoji:

he would be so sweet and so soft with you because he’s used to people being afraid of him for his looks and doesn’t want to scare you away :(

even getting him to remove his mask was hard at first, but once he trusts you and knows you don’t think he’s hideous, the curtain falls and he’s just such a love bug

he’s gonna lay down on his back and have you lay on his chest so he can hold you, and you’ll wake up just like that, feeling his chest rise and fall with every breath

& when he wakes up with you in his (many) arms? he’s never been happier.

hanta sero:

sero... sabes cómo guapo eres?

i love that everyone thinks he’s latino that’s so cute to me

anyway, i think that sero would lay his head on your chest. he’d have his arms wrapped around your torso and his head on your chest and he’d just snuggle right in.

you could pet his hair and he’d love that so much, humming contently until you eventually put him to sleep completely

you’d be more likely to be convincing him that he can’t stay in your room tonight rather than convincing him to come over, this man never leaves your room and will sprint there if you even send him a “:(“ text

he’s fine with blankets, cuz he doesn’t really get cold and he has more than one and he’ll just pull another over the two of you if you ever need it!

shoto todoroki:

i know that what i’m about to write is basic but i literally could not possibly care less. shoto is cute and we all know it so i’m gonna indulge what you already know and add my own too

also if you’re anti-shoto please unfollow me <3 i won’t miss you, stupid bastard!

shoto is touch starved in all the worst ways, and often flinches away from contact without meaning to, only to apologize for his behavior (even if he can’t control it)

he needs soothing, calming touches to remind him that he’s loved and that you care about him for who he is, not who he will be.

and also to remind him that he isn’t hideous because of his scar. he’s still quite beautiful, actually.

although he loves his dorm room and how calm it is, sometimes it reminds him too much of home and he needs a break from it.

when he needs to escape, he’ll send a simple text saying, “can i come to your room?” he won’t play games or pretend like he’s fine when he isn’t.

he just wants you, and to be comforted by you.

he’s your personal space heater or air conditioner, so whatever extreme your body decides to run on, he’ll regulate you.

he likes the comfort of a weighted blanket and loves sharing blankets even more. that level of trust and intimacy—that neither of you are going anywhere—is so comforting to shoto

he’ll never want to let you go

katsuki bakugo:

this sleepover is BYOB. (bring your own blanket.)

he’s the biggest blanket hog, and will wrap his entire body in the blanket and not leave a single shred of it for you. you could be shivering, and he’d tell you to shut up and go to sleep bc you both have class tomorrow.

EVEN THOUGH HE MADE YOU COME OVER!!??!

he won’t admit that he was lonely and wanted attention, but the way he hold you tightly lets you know how he really feels

or if he had a nightmare, he’d call you and ask if he could come to your room to cool off before falling sleep all wrapped up with you.

and he would buy a huge blanket to go over your two individual blankets so that you’re comfortable but still sharing and close to each other <3

be prepared to sleep early and wake up early too, cuz he goes to sleep by 9 and isn’t interested in funny business. he gets up for his pre-workout run by 5, and can’t really be quiet about it cuz he needs to eat before he goes. he’s sorry for waking you, but only a little.

if you’re a talker, and like to babble about your dreams of the future before falling asleep, he’ll listen for a little bit before losing his patience and saying, “no more talking, just cuddle me and go to sleep already.”

izuku midoriya:

baby love <3!!!

he’s less likely to ask you to come over as he is to dutifully race to your room to comfort you

no matter what’s planned for tomorrow or how late it is

and he’s not scared to get caught, he really doesn’t mind cleaning duty if it means he was there to be the for you when you needed him

he’s so sweet and outwardly loving, i think he’d either lay directly on top of you or lay by your side and tangle all his limbs with yours

so many kisses on knuckles and on faded (or recent) scars (you are so loved)

his blanket is big and cozy enough for the two of you and you wake up warm underneath it, still snuggled up to izuku <3

⤷ back to my masterlist.

#tenya iida x reader #ojiro mashirao x reader #denki kaminari x reader #eijirou kirishima x reader #shoji mezo x reader #sero hanta x reader #shoto todoroki x reader #bakugou katsuki x reader #midoriya izuku x reader #mha x gender neutral reader #mha x gn!reader #tenya iida x gn!reader #iida tenya x gn!reader #izuku midoriya x gn!reader #bakugo x reader #mha imagines

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shyneanon · 4 years ago

Note

There is only one bed with red

I bet you thought I was never gonna respond to this one, huh, anon? Nope! I just had to rewrite it like five million times before I felt like it was actually not terrible. lol

Hope you enjoy this even though it’s been foreeeeeever.

---

“Well. Lookit that.”

You stared at the single available bed in the single available room, pretty immaculately kept.

“There’s only one bed,” said Red, leaning against the wall. “How unfortunate.”

You stared at it for a while, then looked back at him. He was flashing his gold tooth at you in a smug grin.

Nope.

“It’s fine,” you said. “I can sleep on the floor.”

His smile vanished.

“Hey,” he said, “hold on, sweetheart. I c’n sleep on the floor.”

Actually kind of nice of him to offer, but as much as he annoyed you… no. “It’s cool, I can do it.”

“Nah, it’s gonna make me feel like trash if I letcha sleep on the floor.”

“Well, ditto.”

He grinned. “Ooh, I gotta solution. How ‘bout we both sleep on the floor?”

You held in a laugh, trying your best to give him a deadpan look. Don’t laugh, don’t laugh….

He waggled his brows at you.

And you let out a snort.

You started to set your things down and move onto the floor but Red shoved you towards the bed. “No,” he said, “I don’ wanna feel like an asshole.”

“You are an asshole,” you said.

“Sure but I don’ wanna feel like one…!”

“OK,” you said, “fine.” Whatever, his loss. You climbed into the bed and got under the covers, and you turned a bit as Red lay down on the floor.

… Dammit.

You sighed. I’m going to regret this.

“Red,” you said.

He turned with an oddly soft smile. “Yeah, beautiful?”

Your face turned warm. His nicknames are more effective than they should be. “Just get in the stupid bed.”

“Oh?” A brow rose, and the soft smile was gone. “Feeling bonely?”

“Don’t,” you said, moving over. “You just look so pathetic on the floor, I can’t do it.”

“Sure, sure.” He moved the covers aside and slid under them with you. “You tell yerself that.”

“I will shove you back onto the floor, Red.”

He shut his mouth (figuratively speaking), and you shut your eyes. He was surprisingly warm for a skeleton, perhaps due to wearing a jacket all day. Since he didn’t have the jacket on, though, you were far more aware of the fact that he was literally just… bone. You could feel his actual spine… It was kind of weird, but not weird enough to keep you up. You were just glad he wasn’t getting handsy. Though the truth was that him getting touchy hadn’t been your main concern. In reality, you tried to avoid having to share a bed with anyone. There was a, um, bad habit of yours that people had informed you of.

But hopefully you wouldn’t do anything crazy tonight.

---

Red was awoken by the feeling of something lying across his whole body.

What the hell?

He was on his side, and he attempted to push it off, but it didn’t budge. Groggy and annoyed, he awkwardly twisted and wriggled until he was on his back and could see what the fuck it was….

It was you.

He squinted, thinking he might be insane, but yeah. It was you. You were lying on top of him. A bit awkwardly, one of your legs was pointing in the direction of your side of the bed, but your head was where the crook of his neck would be, and you were breathing softly.

Red’s face lit on fire instantly.

“Sweetheart?” he mumbled, even though he was pretty sure you couldn’t hear him. When had this happened? Had it happened in your sleep? Had you done this on purpose?

You sighed in your sleep.

Oh… oh my God.

What if she likes me?

Had you instinctively cuddled up to him in your sleep because you… liked him? Or… maybe you liked his smell, or the way lying on him felt… Red was a bit embarrassed to find that he felt giddy, but the giddiness overrode the embarrassment.

“Sweetheart,” he repeated softly, gently wrapping his arms around you. You snuggled closer and he felt his soul start to hum.

We’re… so close….

She’s so cute when she’s asleep….

“You are the most adorable thing,” he said. He knew you couldn’t hear. That was the nice part; he could say whatever he wanted. He started to readjust your stray leg with his own, and his face warmed up even more when you curled your leg around his. He let out a small sound of surprise.

“Baby, you’re uncooperative…. Hah….”

Not that he, uh, minded… having your legs like this….

“Aren’t you just the sweetest,” he purred, pulling you closer. His soul was picking up. While you were asleep he felt no need to maintain his tough guy persona, so he cooed. “Yer cute as hell.”

He nuzzled you, holding you close.

He never wanted to let go….

“Don’t worry,” he said softly, lifting one finger and stroking your cheek. “I’ll keep you safe.” He closed his eyes, relishing the feeling washing over his soul while the two of you were so near each other. “Jus’ stay right here… with me, yeah?”

One hand tangled in your hair and he sighed. It was so soft…. You moved closer to him, making a soft hum, and Red’s grin widened, his soul melting into a puddle.

This was the best night of his life.

—

When your mind started to barely lift out of its unconscious state, the first thing you noticed was that it did not feel like you were lying on the mattress.

The second thing you noticed was that a pair of arms were around you. What the… Red? Why was he…

Oh. Oh no.

I climbed on him in my sleep, didn’t I?

It was a weird habit you’d never would’ve known about were it not for the unlucky victims who had told you about it. You had never woken up on top of someone before— you always woke up next to the person in the morning, in the same spot where you’d fallen asleep, and then they would tell you about how they’d woken up in the dead of night to find your entire body lying on top of them. It also apparently took a lot of effort to push you off, especially since attempts would usually result in you immediately trying to climb back onto them.

Red, uh, didn’t seem to be making any attempts to push you off, though.

“Hah, sweetie… You look so stupid when yer asleep….”

Did he know you were awake? Judging from his low volume, you were pretty sure that no, he didn’t.

His finger wiped the side of your mouth and then immediately withdrew, and you heard him laughing as quietly as possible. Yep, he was trying not to wake you up.

“Gross!” he whispered, and you heard the sound of his hand brushing against the fabric of, presumably, his clothes. “You drool in your sleep!”

More quiet laughter. If you blushed visibly you’d give yourself away, so you just buried your face in his collarbone. Embarrassing.

“... Ah… doll….”

A hand was gently placed on your back.

“I wish we could do this all the time,” he said softly. If he thought you were asleep he wasn’t saying this to flirt with you.

He meant it, then?

“Why’ve you gotta be so damn adorable, huh? M… My soul’s going crazy over here….”

A hand ran through your hair. He was being unusually gentle….

“Then again, that happens a lot when I’m with you.”

Your face got hotter; thank goodness he couldn’t see it from this angle.

His teeth pressed against your forehead. A kiss?

“I wish… I had the guts tah tell ya how I feel.”

Huh? Not… not like… romantically, right?

“You make me feel amazing. Like… really amazing, I… I dunno how t’put it in words cuz I’m real bad with words. S’why I can’ bring myself to tell you, I wanna tell you but every time I open my goddamn mouth all I say is somethin’ suggestive.”

Some silence. Should you tell him that you were awake? You were basically eavesdropping right now.

But at the same time…

“‘N, admittedly… I wish I was good fer you. Which I’m not, I’m… I’m fuckin’ me.”

Why did your heart suddenly ache?

“I’m lazy, I’m sleazy, I dress stupid, I act stupid, I can’t communicate like an adult to save my damn life…. An’ I… I’ve done a lotta bad things. Y… ya should get with some sweet guy who’s responsible ‘n shit.” He muttered: “Lookit me, fuckin’ swearing while I’m tryna talk about my feeli— Fantastic, I did it twice.”

It took all the effort you had to not giggle.

“I wish I was good for you. Ah, sweetie, I’d… I’d take such good care of you, I really would. Or, I’d try. Tryin’ is… really all I could do, t’be honest.”

Trying is all anyone can do.

“... Too bad I suck, yeah?”

Your heart ached again. Red didn’t suck, he was a good guy…. It was probably best to tell him that you were awake before he spilled any more personal information.

“You don’t suck,” you mumbled, turning your head.

“‘M sorry, dollface, did I wake you up with my rambling? I’ll be quiet.”

“No, I’ve been awake for a while.”

His whole body froze up.

“... Ya have?”

“Yeah.”

“H… How much of what I was just saying did you—“

“All of it.”

There was a long, awkward silence.

“I’m sorry,” you said, “I should’ve said something—“

“Fuck,” he said, and you lifted your head. His eye sockets were squeezed shut.

“No, Red, it’s OK—“

“No it’s not, I’ve been makin’ a sappy ass outta myself an’ now I prob’ly made you feel guilty—“

“You didn’t make me feel guilty—“

“Jus’ please don’t say that we should go on a date cuz I know you’re only doing it to make me feel better ‘bout myself—“

“Shut up, Red.”

His eye sockets opened and he looked down at you. You could see the two red lights standing out in the darkness. “... Huh?”

“Stop wallowing in self-hatred and listen to me.”

He said nothing. You would take that as cooperation.

OK, he was listening. So, uh… what should you say?

You actually didn’t know.

So you just kissed him.

Initially he just froze up, but after a moment his arms wrapped around you and he pulled you close, kissing back. W… Wow, this feels really good…. You moved into a better position and felt your hair spill down onto him.

“Sorry,” you said as the kiss parted.

“Sorry?” Red cupped the back of your head and gave you a second fervent kiss. “What the hell for? Ya just kissed me.”

“My hair is kinda touching you.”

“Oh no,” he said in monotone, “how awful. Kiss ruined.”

You snickered and leaned down to press your forehead against his. He looked up at you with fuzzy eyelights.

“I don’ deserve your love,” he said quietly. You smiled back.

“Nobody deserves love, Sans. That’s why it’s so special when someone loves us anyway.”

“You deserve love,” he said, “from somebody better than me.”

“That’s awfully vague.” You kissed his cheek. “And besides, I don’t want love from this person you call ‘somebody better than me.’”

He smiled.

“I want love from you.”

“Hah,” he said, and you saw his eyelights change… They were like hearts now. “Sweetheart, trust me, you already have all my love.”

Your face heated up. “That’s really romantic,” you told him.

“... It is?”

A giggle escaped you. “Yes, Sans.”

You kissed his nasal ridge.

“So?” you said with a smile. “You gonna ask me out or not?”

His eyelights got fuzzy again. “Ya think maybe we could go out sometime, beautiful?”

After kissing his cheek, you said, “I’d love that.”

“So, uh…” He looked at the way you two were positioned. “You think… we could do this more?”

“Absolutely.”

You lay your head down on his ribcage.

“We should fall back asleep,” you told him.

“Sure thing, angel.”

Drifting off took no time at all.

#such a classic trope #kinda tempted to do it with our boy regular sans too #I feel like the awkwardness of it would be really emphasized #or the 'oh no I like them' thing that this trope often leads to #I dunno #fanfic #fanfiction #reader-insert #self-insert #x reader #sans x reader #fell sans x reader #underfell #fluff

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casmybelovedass · 4 years ago

Text

| After Party in Heaven |

(I'm an idiot and deleted the original post. Fuck me)

[read on ao3]

(based on this and Chad Lindberg’s tweets)

Ellen and Ash had practically thrown them out the Harvelle's, insisting they went home and enjoy the rest of the night, while they cleaned up the place. "It's Heaven," they had said "we could wish it clean. We are choosing not to".

The broken pool table, yickes, that one really got out of hand. Pretty sure at least one window got smashed. Somethings caught fire... oh well...

Dean had quickly scribbled an "I owe you" note and left it on one of the tables.

Sam and Eileen had left a little earlier, excusing themselves to have an almost-midnight walk by the lake. Wholesome. He hadn't wasted a second to tell them to just go away and be gross freely (affectionate).

Jack, Charlie, Bobby, Rufus, Jo, and the others, Dean had assured could keep partying in his honour, even if he was no longer there.

He was tipsy (kind concession of Heaven, considering he would have been dead again from the amount of alcohol he had consumed did he break that bottle or was it Ash), full of pie, slightly breathless from all the singing, and very much old.

He deserved a good birthday night of sleep.

Though a happiness overload was just what he needed, especially on that day, Dean had no doubt the warm feeling in his chest wasn't going to be temporary, not a variable.

Just like the warmth in his hand. Secure. Strong. Reassuring. Real.

Cas was right next to him. Hand in his. Gracefully leading him to the car they got there with.

Not quite pulling, not even guiding him. If felt more as if Cas were a river, its stream carrying Dean to his destination.

Or maybe it was just the beer talking.

Once the angel came to a halt, he slowly turned to face him, hands still together, a fond smile on his lips and in his eyes.

Beautiful.

"How are you feeling?" he asked in a soft voice.

Dean could feel his face forming the shit eating grin he knew he got when drunk. But that wasn't the kind of drunk he was used to.

"Awesome." and he genuinely did. For everything. All of it. Everything was quite perfect.

Cas let out a small chuckle, eyes taking in Dean's form, up and down. No funny business. It never was, not with Cas. Only fondness.

His free hand slowly came up, two fingers held near Dean's forehead.

"Do you want help sobering up?"

Dean's own free hand came up, finding Cas', and bringing it back down. Holding it there.

"Why don't you drive us back?"

They didn't even live that far from Harvelle's. Their house stood near the big lake across the roadhouse. A 5 minutes car ride. But he had insisted on driving there.

And the real reason showed in the form of playful praises on Cas' profile, face so focused on the road, and hands on the wheel. And the smile he was failing to conceal.

Beautiful.

Once back home, they immediately laid in bed.

Cas had made it a habit of stroking Dean's hair and back before drifting to sleep (who it was more relaxing for was heavily debated on), and this night was no different.

Those strong fingers, gently grazing his scalp, tracing patterns on his skin, keeping him close to his firm, warm body...

Dean looked up.

"Marry me."

They stopped.

Cas' body already shifting under him.

Too late to back down from it now.

Hoisting himself on his elbows, the angel looked down. Mouth slightly open, he managed to get one single word out.

"What?"

Okay, not what Dean had in mind.

But he didn't need to panic. The anxiety had already contributed to his sobering. He didn't need more.

There wasn't a reason, really, cuz Cas' blue eyes were all but rejecting his gaze.

And so, he went on.

"I defeated God. I made it to my 40s. I'm in Heaven with my family. I'm happy. And I owe it all to you."

Dean pushed himself forward on his arms, getting closer.

"Marry me, Cas." he whispered.

Their breathing combined, noses touching, Dean not sure whether to close his eyes and enjoy the moment, or keep them open in search of an answer in Cas'.

And he didn't have to wait long, cuz a couple of seconds later, he found himself pressed into the mattress, Cas' weight on him, arms around his body. Not a cage.

A home.

Turns out, good things do happen after all.

Dean's 42nd year officially began with a ring in his breakfast leftover pie, and a choke-laughed

"That's the corniest shit you've ever done."

Reposting on its own cuz yes It's past 3 am woho

@mishavacado thank you for the ring in the pie idea

@destiels-canonahhhhhhhhhh here's Dean's proposal!

@spicegirls I just read your "good things" vows post and it made me want to DRINK NAILS

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riotwritesthings · 4 years ago

Text

Ode to Yoga Pants

OR the continued terrible mating dance of Bucky and Tony

AKA when betting on your friends stops being fun

Title: Ode to Yoga Pants Collaborator Name: Riot Bucky Barnes Bingo Square Filled: K5, Team Dynamics StarkBucks Bingo Square Filled: O5, “I’d like it if you stayed.” Ship/Main Pairing: WinterIron Rating: M Major Tags & Triggers: Mutually pining morons, humor Summary: OR the continued terrible mating dance of Bucky and Tony, AKA when betting on your friends stops being fun Word Count: 2,282

Here on AO3!

Tony is heading to the gym for Steve’s newly mandated team training time and yeah, he’s late, but he does have coffee. So at least he’s on brand.

It looks like everyone else has beat him here, which isn’t really surprising, and Tony tosses out a grin and wave in response to the unimpressed look Steve shoots him.

Then his eyes land on Bucky. Who is doing one armed pushups. Completely vertically, pointed toes up in the air and strands of hair falling loose around his face where it’s come loose from the hair tie. And he is in yoga pants.

They hug his calves, his ass, his thighs, tight black spandex with gray piping up sides and Tony is weak.

Forget team bonding, Tony needs to get out of here right now, before he makes a fool of himself. Except he spins too quickly, hot coffee sloshing over the rim of his mug and onto his fingers, and he’s so busy hissing over the sharp burst of pain that he walks straight into the door as it swings shut.

“Ack, fuck,” Tony gasps, more hot coffee splashing out across his hand, rubbing at his forehead and apparently he’s a little dizzy because he goes to take a step back and tilts to the side instead, bouncing off the wall.

He’s almost caught his balance, and then he trips over Sam’s stupid jump rope, and then his thighs hit the weight bench and he tumbles backwards over it, the last dregs of his coffee somehow ending up entirely on his chest.

“Damnit Wilson,” Tony grumbles, “I knew you were out to get me!”

There’s a soft chuckle from somewhere above him, and Tony pries his eyes open. He’s half expecting to see Sam, ready to defend himself and deny that he’s trying to kill Tony with workout equipment even though he very clearly is.

Instead it’s Bucky, leaning over him all shirtless and sweaty and concerned.

“You okay, doll?”

When Tony tries to speak all that comes out is a strangled gurgling sound, and Bucky’s concerned look gets deeper.

“Gross, they’re doing it again,” Sam complains, pausing mid situp to shoot a glare across the gym.

When Steve glances away from sparring with Natasha she takes the opportunity to pop him in the throat.

“This isn’t even funny anymore,” Natasha says while Steve coughs and hacks and gives her a dirty look.

“It stopped being funny weeks ago,” Rhodey says as he leans against the ropes of the boxing ring and shakes his head in disappointment.

“You’re just saying that because that’s when you were officially out of the betting pool,” Clint says with a snort.

“I really didn’t think it would take them this long,” he says with a morose sigh, “I’m ashamed.”

Steve makes a sound that might be agreement.

“New bet, how much worse can it possibly get?” Sam tries to joke, but he has a terrible feeling that it’s not a joke at all.

“I think we’re all the losers in that bet,” Natasha says as they all watch Bucky help a still clearly-swooning Tony out of the gym.

The poor pining morons don’t even notice they have an audience. Just like Bucky somehow doesn’t notice that Tony is literal putty in his hands, and Tony mysteriously doesn’t notice Bucky giving him the sappiest heart eyes ever.

It’s shameful, is what it is.

Tony lets Bucky drag him into the kitchen, sinks onto one of the stools when gently pushed in that direction, and he’s becoming uncomfortably aware that his shirt is still splattered with cooling coffee and probably clinging to his chest.

He should probably go change, and then maybe go hide out somewhere until he figures out how to deal with Bucky in yoga pants.

But before Tony can figure out how to convince his legs to actually move, Bucky is done digging around in the freezer and by his side again.

“Ow,” Tony says with an exaggerated wince as Bucky presses a bag of ice to the back of his head, and then nearly melts out of his seat when Bucky shushes him with a wide palm running down the back of his neck.

He’s not actually as rattled as Bucky seems to think he is, but Tony certainly isn’t going to correct him. It’s a much safer excuse than admitting his brain went to mush the second he saw Bucky’s thighs, all wrapped up and accentuated in tight black spandex, and it still hasn’t quite come back online.

From here, with Bucky standing beside him and gently holding his head still while Tony stares studiously at the floor, all Tony can see of Bucky is his foot. The tight black fabric ends just above the delicate bones of his ankle, his bare toes wiggling against the tile floor as he pulls the ice away and inspects Tony’s head.

Forget getting his brain working again, Tony is just trying to keep his stupid heart from crawling its way up his throat over ankles. Like some kind of repressed Puritan, Jesus.

Which means he can’t at all stop himself from nervously stuttering out “Those-those are uh, nice... you like yoga pants huh?”

There’s a vague sense of motion beside him, like Bucky is shrugging, as he says “They’re comfortable.”

“Uh huh, they-“ Tony starts to say, and then nearly swallows his tongue when Bucky steps around in front of him again.

His eyes automatically drag upwards, and it takes everything Tony has not to let himself linger, not to get caught staring at the frankly mouthwatering bulge of Bucky’s cock that his skin tight leggings are not doing a very good job of hiding.

He jerks his gaze up higher and it doesn’t help because oh god there’s Bucky’s chest, still bare and so close and by the time he finally manages to make himself look up at Bucky’s face he can’t breathe.

“They- uh, s-sure look it,” Tony stutters out, and furious blushing is totally a symptom of a concussion, right?!

Bucky’s smile stays warm and friendly, so he’s probably alright.

And all Bucky says is “You should try them! I can send you the site I got ‘em from, Nat recommended it to me.”

“Okay,” Tony squeaks and damnit he’s actually going to have to buy some yoga pants now. There’s no other way to play off his sudden fascination with them.

A week later, everyone has lost the bet.

They find the two morons asleep together on the couch, legs tangled and blankets wrapped around them both.

The entire team agrees it’s the most disgusting thing they’ve ever seen.

Steve is taking his frustrations out on a punching bag when Bucky suddenly ducks behind the bag, grabbing it and holding it still so he can hide behind it.

“What is this, why are you doing this?” Steve demands, rhythm thrown and half-debating just punching the bag anyways in the hopes that it’ll shake Bucky loose.

“Steve,” Bucky hisses, like he somehow hasn’t noticed that he already has Steve’s full attention, “Steve, I’ve made a terrible mistake.”

“What are you talking about?”

Bucky’s head pops out from around the punching bag, eyes fixed on something across the gym as he hisses “Tony bought yoga pants.”

Steve turns and sure enough, Tony and Natasha are standing near the sparring mats in matching black and gray patterned spandex.

“Does Nat get money every time she talks someone into buying those?” Steve has to wonder, because she has been relentlessly texting him the link too.

“Steve,” Bucky hisses again, “Steven. I can’t- how do I even- Steve-“

“What?!” Steve demands impatiently, because he really wants to go back to punching things, and not thinking about the awkward mating dance of his best friends.

“Look at his ass!”

Steve huffs and resists the urge to gag at the open reverence in Bucky’s tone. He does turn though, just in time to watch Tony bend over in a low stretch.

“Perfect little bubble, I just wanna bury my face in it and live there,” Bucky sighs.

“Huh,” Steve says, tilting his head a little to get a better view because damn, Bucky is not exactly wrong- “Ow!” He squawks when Bucky swings the punching bag into him, “you’re the one who told me to look!”

“Not like that!” Bucky snaps back. It looks like he’s considering hitting Steve with the punching bag again, and Steve holds up a single finger in warning.

“Do not,” he says sternly.

Bucky settles for just hugging the bag instead, gaze already drifting across the gym again. Steve has a terrible feeling he’s not going to get back to his workout.

“Please just ask him out,” Steve says plaintively, “pretend to act like a functional person.”

“How am I supposed to function when faced with The Most Amazing Ass Ever™️?!” Bucky demands, and then makes a weird whimpering sound as Tony no doubt does something. Like existing.

Steve refuses to look over, instead just sighing out “Get off my punching bag, you’re making this so weird.”

“I’m filin’ a complaint,” Bucky says, clearly not listening to him anymore and still staring with rapt attention at where Tony is apparently doing something fascinating. “These pants are supposed to be ‘super stretchy’ but they clearly did not count on boners cuz my dick is strangled.”

“Excuse me,” Steve says, already walking away, “I need to go vomit.”

Hell, next week he might skip mandatory team training.

Tony is laying on his stomach on the common room floor, propped up on his elbows as he pokes at his phone and kicks his feet lazily in the air.

He’s wearing bright red yoga pants today, and even Clint is not immune.

He catches himself after a couple seconds of staring at the swell and bounce of Tony’s ass, and gives himself a vigorous shake. That’s a good way to earn the Winter Soldier Death Glare.

Even if said Winter Soldier is too much of a disaster to actually do anything about his super obvious crush.

“So are yoga pants just the new thing?” Clint asks, climbing over the back of the couch and keeping his eyes safely on Tony’s face, because he does not want to be assassined to death today. “You’re just gonna wear them all the time?”

“They’re comfortable,” Tony says with an absent shrug, then grins up at Clint and wiggles his eyebrows as he adds “Plus, they make my ass look great.”

And Clint can’t exactly argue that, so instead he just flatly says “You’re going to give Barnes a heart attack.”

Tony looks confused for a split second, and then smiles widely.

“Because I pull them off so much better than he does?” he asks, striking a pose, and Clint seriously considers running away to join the circus. Again.

He’s not even sure if things will actually be better if they eventually get together at this point.

He should make that the new bet.

“I’m just saying,” Tony insists, and then raises his voice when Steve put his head down on the table and starts humming under his breath, “If I thought Bucky was actually interested, I would 100% be here for him. With open arms-“

“Well that’s actually kind of-“

“And open legs-“

“Tony-“

“And an open mouth,” Tony finishes, grinning and winking when Steve looks up at him with a glare.

“Tony, please, I don’t want to hear this,” Steve says, hands over his ears and he does actually look a little green.

“This is nothing,” Tony says with a scoff, giving Steve an unimpressed look, because he is weak. “You should hear the shit I say to Rhodey.”

“I would like to hear those things,” says a voice directly behind him.

Tony freezes, his entire body going cold, because he knows that low, warm, rumbling voice. He hears it in his dreams, and oh no oh no oh no, now Bucky knows.

So much for his plausible deniability.

His brain kind of goes staticy with panic for a second, and he’s only dimly aware of Steve rolling his eyes.

“Yeah my part in this conversation is done,” Steve says, and promptly bails.

When Tony’s brain finally reboots he finds that Bucky has taken Steve’s seat across the kitchen table.

Bucky is also just grinning at him, like he doesn’t find Tony’s borderline-obsessive crush at all creepy.

All Tony can think to say is “What.”

And then he realizes he doesn’t actually want an answer, doesn’t want to find out if Bucky is going to make fun of him, or if he thinks it’s all a joke. He can’t decide if that would actually be better or worse than being turned down gently, and he doesn’t intend to stay and find out.

“I’m just...” Tony sputters, face burning as he flails his way out of his chair, “Gonna- gonna go. Run away. Yep.”

“Wait,” Bucky says, eyes wide and halfway out of his own chair.

Tony freezes, because Bucky looks a lot like he feels. Thrown, surprised, confused and so hopeful that it’s terrifying.

“I-I’d like it if you stayed,” Bucky says slowly, then smiles crooked and nervous as he adds “Not that I don’t like watchin’ you walk away.”

It startles a laugh out of Tony, face flushing as he sinks back into his chair. “Okay,” he says, heart racing and smile almost painfully wide, “um, what?”

Bucky laughs, soft and low and warm, and finally finishes reaching across the table to take Tony’s hand in his own.

Clint wins the bet on how much worse their lives get once the love-struck morons start making out all over the place.

#my fic #winteriron #starkbucks #bucky/tony #starkbucksbingo2020 #buckybarnesbingo2020 #im not sorry for this either

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bigskydreaming · 4 years ago

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And just FYI, I’m not TRYING to be emotionally manipulative or guilt trip people or anything here, but just speaking brutally honestly - my disengagement from Batfandom over the past couple months and how little I’ve been active in it has absolutely everything to do with just being TIRED of this fandom’s stance not just on rape fics, but the enabling of them. I mean, yeah, personally I gravitate towards Dick Grayson’s character as a rape survivor, so its super not happy fun times constantly sharing the fandom with people who are far more interested in perpetuating him as a rape victim, emphasis on his repeated sexual victimization in fics where his placement as a character-to-be-violated is the literal DRAW for readers.

(And ever notice how its the character MOST acknowledged as a rape survivor, SPECIFICALLY.....who is also the one people are MOST interested in writing as a further rape victim.....I’m not even talking about in the context of canon events, but specifically creating further scenarios in which he’s raped by characters who never raped him in canon, in numbers FAR greater than people create these scenarios for other characters. Oh, its not limited to just him, obviously, I’m aware these fics exist for all the characters, and in large numbers, but does it not strike anyone as like.....particularly odious, that the clear frontrunner for this particular form of sexual victimization-as-a-draw in fics just so happens to be the character most noted as a survivor already? Just saying, the fact that this particular character and this particular status seems to draw in people not just interested in him BECAUSE it makes him a survivor....but equally, people interested in him BECAUSE of his having been made a victim.....is....umm. Its umm. Let’s just call it umm.)

But what gets to me even more than that is just the willful refusal in a fandom that CHOOSES to keep the subject of rape front and central to so much of its works....to allow for ANY critical discussion of rape itself whatsoever. You’ll pull out all the stops in examining the trauma of rape in some fics, sure, but this fandom absolutely will not allow critical examination of the ISSUE of rape itself.

And that’s abso-fucking-lutely because of how much this fandom has COMMODIFIED rape and incest and pedophilia, and how much it fuels the engines of fandom content production. Its commercialized in this fandom in particular, and its so high-prized a commodity in terms of fic content, that even most people who don’t have any particular interest in these types of fic content themselves deem it too costly to speak up on the matter, because they’re afraid to lose followers who DO like it.

And THAT’S what gets to me.

Those of you who will be like I’m not taking a side here, but absolutely take a side as you’ll freely reblog posts about fandom purity and censorship but not a single point to the contrary. When you only air one side of an argument, guess what? You’ve picked a side. Whether or not you agree with it or every bit of it doesn’t matter, you’re still signal boosting it while refusing to examine or boost any point said against it. I reblog stuff all the time that I don’t agree with every single line of or point made in....but the point is I agree with ENOUGH of it that I’d rather boost it for others’ consideration rather than pass by it because it doesn’t one hundred percent accurately reflect everything I believe and only that. (And yet funnily enough, I’m the ideological puritan, remember?)

You can’t be like, I’m going to continue to encourage shutting down every critical mention of fandom problems in this or other regards while refusing to do anything or even signal boost people attempting to critically examine or just encouraging others to be more critical about this stuff......and think that like, you’re not still being an active part of the fandom ecosystem there that keeps this fandom environment being as everpresent as it is.

If it feels like you’re in this picture and you don’t like it, maybe its cuz you’re in this picture and getting pissed at the picture-takers doesn’t ever do anything to change that or your discomfort with being in the fucking picture here.

I can get literally anything I say in this fandom reblogged EXCEPT for so much as even a single thing I say on this particular subject, and you can try and blame that on my temper or aggression or hostility or word choice but I’ve been making these posts for years in this fandom at this point, and in all that time, I’ve done so in a variety of ways and the fact that still none of them, not a single one, no matter WHAT tone its in, has EVER gotten more than a handful of notes from my Batfam followers and only ever catch on because of my older TW followers or people who follow me BECAUSE of my stances on this and other subjects.....like. (Its funny how few people seem to mind my attitude or posting style when I’m talking about Dick’s treatment by the Batfam or DC itself or when in my asks trying to point and aim me at other characters’ fans like a bonafide attack dog, lolol, I’m just saying).

I’ve talked to people in this fandom about this very subject of how being critical of rape fics is NOT the same as being anti-sex or in search of moral purity, and I know damn well they understand my point there because they even acknowledged it themselves and said okay, I understand the nuance you’re making there.....and then they turn around and keep reblogging all those fandom purity posts even after admitting they GET now that its not actually an accurate representation of the issues and thus a false flag to raise and pass around.....and yet they keep participating in passing it around, with not a word to the contrary.

And hell, it doesn’t even need to be my posts that get around....its not like I see anyone reblogging anyone else’s critical posts on this particular subject either, even while reblogging the stuff mocking such posts or stances.

I’m just saying. I’m very keenly aware of all that, and its exhausting.

This isn’t a dramatic omg I’m running away from fandom post, I’m not going anywhere, I still have plenty of things to say and write about Dick Grayson and I’m ultimately here for me and not anyone else so I’ll continue to do so, but like.....its just a its been depressing as hell to be in this particular fandom lately, and wearying, and just thought some of you might like to know that in case you feel like doing anything about it ever, to maybe make it a little more inviting and engaging to those of us who AREN’T here to see the rapists keep raping the characters we identify with and gravitate towards as survivors.

(And if your go-to response here or first thought is “some people write it to cope” - great, what I’m saying here is that’s not true for everyone, and whatever the experience of writing it does for them in that regard does not actually change my position on what the experience of seeing it shared and proliferated publicly in such huge quantities without allowing for any kind of criticism of this (which is actually a separate matter entirely) does for others. And that this ENVIRONMENT is actually COUNTER to other survivors’ coping, so you can’t claim that your stance on this subject is based on what’s best for survivors’ coping when its ACTUALLY based on what’s best for the coping of survivors who also happen to feed the fandom further sexy rape fic content......and uh, just FYI for anyone who isn’t a survivor themselves, whomever this might apply to - that’s literally just commodifying and exploiting the survivorship of those whose coping mechanisms happen to serve your personal self-interests and if you don’t get how that’s gross as hell, like, I don’t even know what to tell you there.)

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monaownsmyass · 4 years ago

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Going Out Of My Mind In My Mind

Requested fic by anon. (If you have any fic ideas or requests you'd like me to write, you can leave me an ask!)

Book: My First Two Loves

Pairing: Ava Lawrence x MC (Emma Price)

Genre: Fluff but make it angsty

Rating: PG13

Warning: Mild homophobic comments

Word Count: 3,611

A/N: Ava is in love with her best friend. She gets lost in her own thoughts while contemplating if she should reach out to MC. Firstly, I wanna say I’m so sorry to the anon that requested this if they wanted a more light-hearted fluff fic lmfao. If you did, please send me another ask lol. Secondly, I wanna apologise to my fellow wlw for including a little homophobia. It’s not that harsh or mean, but it’s there. I thought including it would better portray a realistic encounter of what it’s like to be a wlw accepting her sexuality and exploring her feelings.

Tag list: @ineedskyecrandall @kamilahsayeet2063 @avalawrencefl @lovekamilahsayeed @thequeenkamilahsayeed @heygmicheelle @djtjsmith14 @jjlover01 @soft-for-drake @dopeyouth @alexroyard @satrinadia @toalltheboysididntlove @mypegasifly @queen-arabella-of-cordonia (lmk if anyone would like to be included or removed in my next fics and if you only want to be tagged for certain pairings.)

The first time I realised I was in love with my best friend was... well, I'm not sure if I'm being honest.

But damn, if that's not the most generic, cliché plot ever for every sapphic film and story ever, I'm not sure what is. However, there was always some truth to fiction and I was no exception.

That was my life. Generic and cliché. Popular high school captain of the cheerleaders who lived in the suburbs and came from a middle-class family that has dated the school's famous golden-boy quarterback.

For far too long, everything was normal. Too normal. Painfully normal.

That is, of course, until I started realising I had feelings for my best friend that was very much into guys. As I've mentioned, I couldn't pint-point an exact date or incident but like a hurricane, it was sudden even though there were warnings signs and it was just as destructive, uprooting and destroying everything I thought I once knew, a force to be reckoned with.

It was utter chaos in a seeming perfect picture but for the first time in my life, I felt alive.

Emma Price was my hurricane. Whether that was a good or bad thing, that was up for debate. All I knew was that I wanted her in my life and didn't care if it wasn't the best idea or if it would hurt me. I just wanted her to be with me.

I think that's the funniest thing about finally having a genuine, heart-wrenching, crush on someone. Even the smartest people get dumb, the most cautious are reckless and the logical becomes irrational. Everything that made sense doesn't anymore because why the hell are you doing things you normally wouldn't do for someone that doesn't even like you back?

I learnt that first-hand and I wished someone would've warned me before that. Not like I would've believed it but at least it would be playing at the back of my mind. An echo in the distance, a nagging voice.

I did the stupidest stuff once I was certain I was in love with Emma. I knew I was in love with her but I was in denial and did things I regretted. Dating other people, trying to make her jealous, downplaying my feelings when I saw her with Mason or Noah. Pushing her away and avoiding her instead of talking to her...

It's different, falling for your best friend. Feelings and signals are mixed, emotions are at a high and everything is just one confusing mess of a relationship that was once simple and innocent.

And now, here I was, laying on my bed, staring at my phone as if it would magically tell me the right thing to do if I looked long enough. It didn't, of course. I sighed, wondering if I should shoot Emma a text. It's been some time since we just talked for fun and I missed her sorely.

Procrastinating, I swiped through my home page. My eyes caught sight of a certain app that I opened ever so often whenever I was missing my best friend.

~*~*~

"Come on! Just download it!"

I scrunched my nose up. "Give me one good reason why."

"Because you’re the best friend in the whole world and you'll do anything I say because you love me?" she said jokingly while batting her eyelashes at me but my heart started racing.

I was acutely aware of her hand on my thigh and the way she leaned into me. My breath hitched at her nearness even though we've been closer before.

That was something else about having a crush on your best friend. Suddenly, everything felt like too much. Every word, every touch, every damn single thing was overwhelming and honestly? It was exhausting. Not only is it emotionally tiring, you go into this weird phase of wanting to savour everything they do and you can't help but wonder why you didn't appreciate these small moments before. You can't help but feel as if you've wasted them all.

If she could sense me stiffen, she didn't show it 'cuz she just went on. "Also, it's about a cartoon cat that eats to save the world! What's not to love?"

"That sounds ridiculous, Em," I laughed. "What's the game called?"

"Dopey Cat!"

"Oh god," I groaned. "That makes it sounds much worse."

"Or much better!" She nudged me and I felt a jolt go up my arm. I always wondered if these simple touches felt the same to her. "Do it"

"Alright, alright!" I giggled and surrendered. "Only 'cuz I'm such a great friend."

"Yes! And like I said," Emma leaned in and my heart dropped to my stomach. "The best."

She gave me a slow, soft peck on my cheek and rested her head on my shoulder, clinging onto my arm and leaving me a flustered mess.

~*~*~

I thought about that moment often. More often then I'd like to admit. Every time I did, the same thoughts would always come to mind.

What would've happened if I kiss her? What if I just turned my head right before her lips touched my skin? Would she have kissed me back? Would she push me away? Maybe she'd say she felt the same way about me.

But that didn't happen, so all I could do was wonder.

And wonder I did.

Being in my room like this, doing nothing, it really did make my mind go everywhere. I've dreamed and cried and laughed and screamed and doing nothing was suddenly the most taxing thing I've ever done. Doing nothing when you're in love with someone who doesn't love you back was the most dangerous thing 'cuz they’re already always on your mind but when you're doing nothing, your thoughts just spirals down an endless pit of possibilities that'll never happen and ultimately, you get hurt.

But knowing this, I still let my thoughts spiral anyway. How could I not when the joy and peace I got from imaging a world where her and I were together was worth the pain and heartbreak?

'Cuz figment of my imagination or reality, it didn't matter, she was worth it.

I've imagine us on dates, having picnics, watching movies, going on road trips, sleeping over, laughing over nothing, at the park, at the beach, in a field, in our rooms.

I've thought about us dancing in the living room at 12 a.m., huddled in bundles of blankets on a cold night, singing along to our song while making breakfast, staying up under the night sky and talking about everything and nothing until sunrise, being able to introduce her as my girlfriend and kissing her whenever I felt like.

I've dreamt about us so much as a couple that I've accidentally mistaken reality for fiction but like I've said, there's always some truth to fiction.

~*~*~

"Congrats on being co-captains, guys!" Iris wished us enthusiastically, practically jumping up and down.

"Seriously, you guys totally deserve it," Toni agreed.

"Thank you!" Emma said.

"You two are the best duo! Our cheer squad is gonna rule with you both leading us!"

"Thanks," I said and pulled Emma in for a side hug, feeling goosebumps from the contact. "We do make a pretty great couple."

I immediately froze when I realised what I said and mentally kicked myself.

God, that was so stupid! Why was I so careless? I should watch what I say!

That wasn't the first time I've done it and I was sure it wasn't the last, but just like how Emma was always the only one to mess up my constant, she was the one difference between all the other times and this time.

She had never heard me refer to ourselves as a couple but while I was beating myself up, Emma handled the situation coolly. She slid her hand in mine and squeezed which did nothing to calm my wrecked nerves.

"We definitely sure would! She the sweetest, more caring person in the world and I'd be so lucky to call her mine." She leaned into me and gave me a nudge but all I could do was stare at her, eyes wide and brows raised.

Her deep brown eyes locked onto mine and I swear I could feel the spark between our gaze. And what was that I saw in her eyes? Longing? A hint? I wasn't sure but I could've sworn there was something else I couldn't quite decipher. Then again, I didn't really trust my thoughts. If it could make me believe we were actually a couple, why would I ever trust it in this situation? How could I?

I'm not sure how long we were staring at each other 'cuz to me, it felt timeless. We only broke apart when we heard someone making a retching sound.

"Gross! Go get a room," Lauren said as she walked towards us. "No one wants to see two lesbos in action."

I felt her hand fall out of mine and suddenly, I felt very vulnerable.

"You don't have to be rude!" Iris defended.

"Yeah, Lauren, no one asked," Toni agreed.

Emma spoke up. "Go away, Lauren. No one wants you here." She said it in an almost tired manner. She was done with putting up with her and it showed.

"Aw, protecting your lesbian lover? Cute," Lauren rolled her eyes and walked away. "Whatever, later, losers!"

"Don't listen to her," Toni said after Lauren left.

But how could I not?

"Hey, Ava?"

I could hear the sweet voice of best friend calling out to me but it was distant.

Everything was. I didn't feel like I was in my body. All my senses were numb and I felt nothing. Nothing except the raging white heat within me. I was having an out of body experience in the worst way possible and for a moment, I didn't feel human.

~*~*~

Then Ava was definitely different from Now Ava. Then Ava wanted to cry and run as far as she could. But she couldn't. She was paralysed with fear and embarrassment. Now Ava would've just laughed and called Lauren pathetic. Maybe even give her a nice slap across the face if she felt like it. But Now Ava wasn't Then Ava, so why dwell on the past?

The thing is, I didn't want to. But like that dull throb at the back of your skull after a concussion, I just couldn't ignore it. You tell everyone you're fine, and for the most part, you are. But that annoying sensation, constantly reminding you aren't, that you just couldn't forget. That was that moment with Lauren.

Her words played in my mind on repeat for the first week after hearing it. Months later that voice was softer and less frequent, but it was still there.

A lot happened in those months. The biggest of all? I finally accepted that I was gay. No, not gay, a lesbian.

That word Lauren had spoken with a jeer, the word she used to insult me, the word that was meant to humiliate me, I was that word.

That wasn't the only time I heard it used that way but it was the first time it was used against me. Lauren's words was a constant reminder in my mind that being a lesbian was an embarrassment, that I was an embarrassment.

Then Ava would feel a chill run up her spine when she heard that word even though it wasn't directed to her. And when it finally was, her soul left her body but of course, that would've been too easy. Her soul leaving her body would've been the easy way out. So instead, she was forced back into reality and had to find a way to deal with it.

Now Ava knew it wasn't a bad thing. Of course she did, she was one, after all. So why did Lauren's words still haunt her?

I still had to remind myself that it was okay. It wasn't gross or immoral or whatever nonsense they put into my mind about girls liking other girls. And every time I did, the madder I got. At everyone that has ever said anything about it and at myself.

Because how dare they tell me how to feel?

And how dare I listen to them when I knew it wasn't true?

I was at peace with it now. I was at peace with being a lesbian. But being at peace wasn't the same as embracing it, owning it. And I'm not sure if I ever will, but I hope I do.

I wasn't out to anyone, and god, I've never felt so suffocated in my life. I couldn't even tell Emma 'cuz I was afraid of how she'd react. Or worse, that she'd assume I have a crush on her. And the worst part, that it was true. That I couldn't even deny it.

Not being able to tell your best friend whom you've always told everything to made me feel like shit. It ate away at me every time I was near her and whenever we were talking. I always wanted to bring it up but I never found out how. Maybe I will soon, but not now.

Emma had always been understanding. Even when she didn't get it, she would try. She wasn't quick to judge nor did she so easily jump to conclusions but I couldn't help but think that maybe, she wouldn't be so understanding. 'Cuz that's what you do when you overthink. You worry about things that you shouldn't and you create false scenarios and you just, can't, stop.

Which was exactly what I was doing right now.

I sighed, catching myself before I could spiral any further and rolled onto my side, staring out of the window with my phone abandoned on the bed.

It started drizzling and it was getting pretty cold. I moved to get under my comforter and wrapped the sheets around me.

And once again, I closed my eyes as my mind began to wander.

If only Emma was by my side...

~*~*~

"Oh my god! Ava! Stop!" she would giggle as I showered her in kisses.

"Nu-uh!" I'd respond and wrap her up in my arms, still kissing her wherever I could reach as we rolled around on my bed, playing.

She'd try to escape but since I'm stronger than her, it's useless. She's trapped in my embrace and eventually, she'd give in and hug me back.

We'd laughed about silly inside jokes as we let our hands linger over each other's bodies, not wanting to let go.

I'd pull her tight and she'd rest her head against my chest as the rain outside got heavier.

I'd shower her in compliments and she'd blush. We'd talk about life, our hopes and dreams and ambitions. Our plans and future together.

"Would you still be with me?" I'd ask her.

"Forever and always, baby," she'd reply and give me a reassuring kiss.

We'd waste away the rest of the day together and I wouldn't have had it any other way.

~*~*~

But that was just fantasy. She's not here and I'm not ready. Not ready to come out to Emma, let alone confront her about my feelings for her.

I took a deep breath before opening my eyes, as if I were physically preparing myself to come back to reality. I glanced at my phone screen that was opened at her chat. I picked my phone up and got ready to type but I hesitated.

Should I do this?

I didn't have much of a choice though, 'cuz my phone rang and lo and behold, my best friend, my crush, the girl I fell in love with, appeared as the caller ID.

My heart sank but my stomach filled with butterflies. This conflicting emotion wasn't a rare occurrence ever since I fell for my best friend but that didn't mean I was used to it. Fear and excitement coexisted where it shouldn't which only left me with a familiar uneasy feeling.

I only stopped for a moment before hitting the 'accept call' button.

"Hi!" I heard that cheery voice of hers ring from the other side of the phone and I could feel my insides warm.

Hey, yourself." I smiled. "What's up, Em?"

"Nothing much, I just feel like we haven't talked that much." She paused for a while before adding shyly, "And I miss you."

The warmth spread to my cheeks. "I really missed you too."

I heard her giggle and god, was it the most adorable sound ever. "Good to know. What have you been up to?"

Figuring out my sexuality and pining over you.

"Nothing much, just the usual." Liar. "What about you?"

"Just been thinking about you," she said casually and my heart fluttered.

I cleared my throat. "Any interesting stories lately?"

I heard another heavenly laugh. "Too many!"

She jumped right into it, not stopping once and honestly, I never wanted her to. Her voice in my ear was a comfort and I held onto it for as long as I could.

We talked and laughed for hours and I didn't even notice until I glanced at the clock on my wall. Time passed too quickly whenever I was with her, I always felt like it wasn't enough. It never was.

But then again, an infinite lifetime with her would still feel too short.

"And then, Mack ran out of the house with our dad chasing her in only his towel and shower cap with his back scrubber!" she laughed unrestrained, not holding it back and lighting up the entire world with it.

"Oh my god!" I laughed along with her. "How did she even pull that off? I can't believe I missed that!"

"See? This is why you should come over more often!"

I didn't know how to respond but it was fine because she started speaking again.

"Wow, I didn't realise the time! I should probably head to bed."

"Yeah, me too," feeling disappointed that she was gonna hang up soon even though I let out a yawn. "But I guess I'll see you tomorrow?"

"For sure! Good night, Ava."

"Night, Em."

"..."

"Are you still there?" she asked me.

"Uh, yeah?" I replied. "Put down the phone."

"No, you!" She giggled.

I smiled from hearing it. "You!"

"Ugh, fine! Bye."

"Okay, bye bye."

"..."

"Hello?"

"Emma," I breath out in a light chuckle. "Go sleep."

"Okay! Okay, for good this time, bye."

"Bye," I laughed and before I could stop myself, I added, "I love you."

And I shot up, frozen in place. It wasn't what I say, it was the way I did. Soft and vulnerable and definitely not just a friend proclaiming her platonic love to her best friend.

I heard Emma suck in a sharp breath as if she caught onto it too, and the line went dead silent.

"Ava-"

I heard her whisper but I pulled my phone away from me as if it was poison eating away at my flesh and hit the 'end call' button, tossing it beside me. I didn't hear her finish her sentence and I wasn't sure if I could handle it if I did.

Shit!

I hit my palm against my face and slid it down, groaning. How was I gonna face her tomorrow?

Just then, I heard my phone go off. The ringtone I had set just for Emma played and I swear I felt my heart stop.

Nervously, I glanced down at my phone to see the notification that popped up.

'I love you too <3'

Warmth spread through my body and I let out an involuntary grin. I fell back onto the bed with my arm covering across my face.

I glanced back at the message and made a high-pitched squeal that I never in a million years thought would come out of my mouth. Leave it to Emma to make me do things I normally wouldn't.

My heart raced in my chest.

She may not have meant it the way I have but it didn't matter because hearing her tell me she loved me was all I needed.

That was another thing about having a crush on your best friend; the I love you's were up for interpretation.

I placed the phone on my chest and let my arms sprawl out on the bed. Whatever sleepiness I had left my body, there was no way I could go to bed now.

So instead, I let my mind roam but this time, willingly. I let my thoughts free fall through a million different possibilities as the night turned to day.

I watched the sun rise.

And I smiled.

Because falling in love with my best friend was messy and complicated and heart-shattering. But it was also full of excitement and exhilaration and anticipation.

It was rollercoaster of emotions, full of ups and downs and twist and turns and even loops, but that's what made it thrilling. And for the first time in my normal life, I had something to keep me on my toes.

And I wouldn't have changed a thing.

Was my best friend also in love with me? I didn't know. Would I ever know? Maybe, maybe not. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't at least a little curious to know how she feels, be it good or bad. Maybe someday I'll ask her. Maybe I'll get to hold her. Maybe she'll never speak to me again.

But until then, all I had were the stories I've made up in my mind.

(More fics!)

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