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kjmsupremacist · 3 years

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Felix sweet boy baby angel but Christopher Bang is literally Satan? Idk if you saw but Hyunjin ratted him out on live and said the lyrics for Red Light were toned down. I don’t want to know. I don’t. He was already talking about edging and I don’t want to know. He can keep his Scorpio Venus and his Sag Mars away from me and everyone I love. I would give anything to know his rising if sign. It’s giving Earth but there’s so much air in his chart it’s hard to be sure. 🤖

i am so happy you sent me this ask because i have been looking for an excuse to talk about red lights. I sent leon and margot a seven minute long voice message when i was doing my research for my red lights-inspired fic like that's where i'm at.

First, yes, I saw Hyunjin's comments! that's what chris gets for trying to say hyunjin wrote all the lyrics in the first place. nice try, chris. also, his scorpio venus is SEXY. i won't be taking criticism on this opinion.

Now. Please see under the cut if you want to watch me dissect Red Lights -- both the lyrics and the MV.

so, credit where credit's due--I skimmed this and this reddit posts while I was doing my research.

now. we all know that on the surface, this song is about sex (and specifically bondage and edging—that much is clear). but, ah, how's the saying go? "everything is about sex except for sex, which is about power"? sure.

yeah, it's meant to be sexy. they did that for us and im still not sure if I want to kill them for it or thank them with my life. BUT, as they mentioned in the howl in harmony video, it's primarily a song about obsession.

The first reddit post does a great (albeit kind of aggressive) breakdown of the lyrics, where it becomes really clear that they're talking about the relationship they have with their work and the relationship they have with fans. In essence, the song is about how they want to give their lives and all their time to making more content for fans so that they will continue to receive love from us. The red lights are actually the recording light on a camera (hence the line “set the mic up”).

And so a relationship like the one depicted here is dark and intense, and yes—passionate and driven by love—but ultimately, it consumes itself in the vortex of its own desire, and then peters out into a sort of blank monotony—learned through repetition, a habitual reflex instead of a true reaction.

Then, the second reddit post goes on a deep dive of some of the symbolism seen in the MV—specifically, the use of kink. This is where it gets really fun.

We mostly see Hyunjin in shibari-style bondage. OP posits (and I agree) that he is meant to represent passion without discipline. The shibari ropes are tied messily (and so therefore dangerously) which is perfect for representing how often kink (and other obsessions) can devolve—you plunge in headfirst, but you are directionless except for the insistent tug in your gut that cries for more, more.

Chan, on the other hand, is seen primarily (esp in solo scenes) bound by heavy chains. He represents discipline with no passion. In the Howl in Harmony video, I believe he mentions that after a long day of practice, he'll still find himself in the recording studio, even though he's tired. He does what he has to on autopilot, because he knows he must, because it’s the only thing he feels he can do.

If Hyunjin is mania, then Chan is depression. The chains are GREAT symbolism because this dutiful march towards burnout and beyond is, as the lyrics suggest, stemming from a desire to keep receiving love (from fans)—that if you just work hard enough then no one will ever leave you. You wish to bind the person (or people) you love to you, but in the end the bonds only weigh you down.

So then the part where they’re tied together, back to back, at the end, shows when passion and discipline come into balance. And that’s creation for the love of creation while still maintaining a respect for yourself, the art, and your audience. (or idk. maybe they just thought we'd like to see them tied to one another. and they were right).

It's also fun because while we see Hyunjin and Chan both assume positions of domination and submission, it's clear Chan is meant to be the “dominant force” here (hence discipline). The reason we do see instances of Hyunjin in power (choking Chan, standing over him on the table) is because any somewhat healthy d/s relationship involves first the surrender of power. The dom is only perceived to be in power because the sub first relinquishes it them. So. You know.

I will say I'm not sure what to say about the edging theme (BNKSJDF) besides the obvious—almost giving you what you want, but not quite.

And finally, this is not part of either of those two reddit posts, but I was ENTHRALLED by the use of mirror and mirror-esque imagery throughout the MV and in the choreo. I love mirrors as a symbol so we're going to talk about that, too.

First and most obviously, it may be a bit on the nose. In art, mirrors and reflections are often used to show that there is a deeper meaning than what is clear on the surface. So this might have just been hyunchan going "hey! it's not just about sex!"

but I think there's more to it than that. Mirrors are often used as a vessel of truth—in some Chinese myths, for example, mirrors can repel demons, as they will show a demon’s true form. Or see the Little Mermaid—though Ursula managed to change her outward appearance, she was caught in her lie when another character (sebastian, i think?) saw her reflection in the mirror.

Additionally, one’s reflection used to be thought to contain one’s soul—which is why mirrors were covered in the home of person who had just passed, so they would not be trapped as a ghost in the world of the living.

For this reason, mirrors are often also considered dangerous. Think of Narcissus, for a start, who fell in love with his own reflection and sat at the water's edge, pining, until he fucking died. Or consider the following quote (which I love) from Fernando Pessoa:

“Man shouldn’t be able to see his own face – there’s nothing more sinister. Nature gave him the gift of not being able to see it, and of not being able to stare into his own eyes. Only in the water of rivers and ponds could he look at his face. And the very posture he had to assume was symbolic. He had to bend over, stoop down, to commit the ignominy of beholding himself. The inventor of the mirror poisoned the human heart.”

We use mirrors to watch ourselves watching ourselves (and the Margaret Atwood who lives in our heads cries “male fantasies, male fantasies! You are you own voyeur!”). We perform for the mirror—often what we see in the mirror is not actually how we are seen by others! We think we may find truth there, when in reality it is a distortion. Ties itself up really nicely, I think.

In any case, this really goes well with the theme of obsession in the song—staring in the mirror asking, what do others see? What is wrong about me? What can I do better? The idea of looking in the mirror to seek what others see, both positive and negative, is common throughout. And I think their use of mirrored choreo (esp when it seems like one of them is the reflection!!), as well as mirror placement on the set of the mv, and ESPECIALLY the lovely bit at the end where they both stand staring carefully at their own reflections, all work to drive that theme home.

and i don't even know how to touch on all the color symbolism (when it changes between color and b&w?? the palette being overwhelmingly yellow and red and black???), or the lens filters (warping, blurring, etc), or the way they superimposed pieces of the video on top of other pieces, or the use of that one stark white background—without writing a fucking dissertation (and this is already a ridiculously long post) so i'll just stop here.

This is all to say, maybe what they meant was that the lyrics were a lot more aggressive about these themes and they were asked to tone them down to keep it neutral.

or maybe they're just sexy, sexy motherfuckers and their managers bonked them on the head and sent them to horny jail.

#obviously that mirror quote is a little stupid but at the same time i do think it's so real. like so real.#anyway this is very long but I HAVE SO MANY THOUGHTS.#this is what i was doing a few afternoons ago.... just compiling this.#just... meta hours with xiami #stray kids #bang chan #hyunjin #red lights #mail #🤖 anon

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depressoramblings · 3 years

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TW: depression, eating disorder, self-harm

Today is a bad day. Everything feels off. Having to get up early in the morning whilst having fucked up sleep schedule sucks. What set off more, is being woken up mere minutes before the alarm. Technically it’s a small thing, but it feels like another small part of my life is taken over, another aspect of losing control.

Meals are torture. Let’s get a little bit of context - one month ago I managed to fall and broke sacral vertebra, now I take all meals standing up and whilst I’ve struggled with eating before the fracture, now it’s getting worse. As I have limited movements per doctors’ orders, my mom cooks. And whilst I’m endlessly grateful for her care, eating is challenge. I prolong time between meals for as long as possible without getting dizzy. Sometimes it feels like I’m chocking, even thought of having to get up and eat makes me nauseous.

I’ve always been picky eater (idk if it’s part of my potentially undiagnosed autism), but after dad’s death it has became somehow stronger and I’m too weak emotionally to try to fight through it. Eating some kinds of food became a struggle once more - sometimes it’s meat or chicken I struggle to swallow, chocking on it, sometimes just general thought of eating makes me feel quirky. And I can’t even talk with mom about so she can alter something at least for the time I’m temporarily disabled (or more disabled than usual). She will just say that I “put some childhood nonsense in my head and can’t grow out of it” and that I “nurture my issues instead of destroying them”.

Add to that constant pressure of necessity for making long term plans for life, while all I want is to graduate from med school (not sure if I really want to pursue career in medical field, though), move somewhere from hometown where everything reminds of losing dad and finally allow myself to look for girlfriend.

Moreover I feel like I probably need new therapist. Because I don’t feel like I can talk with current one about the fact I may be on the edge of developing eating disorder. Or maybe it’s just my distrust for “grownups” flaring up because they will tell me that “it’s all in my head”.

And mom put seeds of distrust to the therapy in my head, again. “Therapist makes people addicted to therapy, unable to live by themselves, depending on paid aid to make a decision”. And I’m kinda losing it. I’ve been working with current therapist for almost a year, and I don’t feel like I’m getting better. (Or maybe loss of the parent and one-month-long hospitalisation and long post-op recovery prior to that have to do sth with lack of the progress)

I’m just tired of it. Tired of trudging through existence, tired of pushing through day after day without seeing any shred of light ahead. It all seems hopeless and useless.

Today is a bad day. Maybe tomorrow will be better, maybe not. Maybe I’ll wake up in the morning and think that these doubts and fears and tiredness are stupid. But it will be tomorrow, or next week or next month. But today is a bad day and pretending it is not is fucking damaging

#eating disoder mention #mentally tired #mentally drained #self harm #depression #failed therapy #therapy #cw disordered eating #eating problems #trauma #dead parent #parental loss #brokenness #i need a break #so tired #i need therapy #I need help

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snkpolls · 5 years

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SnK S3E18 Poll Results (Manga Reader Version)

The poll closed with 381 responses. Thank you to everyone who participated!

Please note that these are the results of the manga reader poll. Anime only watchers are suggested not to read if you do not wish to be spoiled about certain events! Anime only viewers, click here to view your poll results!

RATE THE EPISODE 363 Responses

This was considered a very emotional episode for many viewers, but also highly praised. A majority 86.8% of viewers rated the episode 5/5, with only a few less thrilled viewers.

beautiful episode

Attack on Feels at its finest yet again

It felt slightly underwhelming, but I don't think it couldn't have been considering how great the previous episode was

I cried so much, but I liked it a lot.

Brilliant and excruciating

the most emotionally impactful episode for me so far. it was perfectly done

Awful, fast-paced, and just a statement that Araki wanted to get this out of the way before he could very probably put his eremika fillers. Him cutting out Reienr's tears is unforgivable. It lessens his relationship with bert when the fucking back-bump was a highlight of the OP.

Best of the season

Powerful episode with excellent voice acting.

It was absolutely perfect!

It was so emotional and dramatic, this show keeps getting better and better

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING WAS YOUR FAVORITE PART OF THE EPISODE? 371 Responses

A number of notable moments split the chart into several nearly even pieces. In fact, 16.2% of respondents could not decide their favorite moment. 12.7% did favor watching Levi make his final choice, with Levi and Hange saying their goodbyes to Erwin, Hange’s speech, and the 104th holding Armin in the 9%’s.

Shirtless Armin really waters my crops

This episode was DEVASTATING. OnoD had only one line, but even that one, all soft and weak that made the Commander sound so *human*... I was practically sobbing. And the look on Levi's face just. Just ended me.

Eren and Mikasa's pain was beautifully done. Kaji Yuuki is an absolute marvel, his voice is always dripping with emotion and Eren's pain brought me to tears, too. Not to mention Mikasa's wail...

WHICH SEIYUU WAS THE MVP THIS EPISODE? 366 Responses

Of course, such emotional performances should be credited to the talented voice acting. 36.6% of respondents believe all of them deserve equal praise. 25.1% thought Eren’s seiyuu, Yuki Kaji, was MVP for this episode, followed by 17.8% Yui Ishikawa, who plays Mikasa.

Thanks to the voice actors it had more impact than the manga. I cried for Levi, who had to make the hardest decision of his life.

Yoooo i made a post on reddit appreciating Zeke's VA but he didn't get included in the VA list ;_;

i am a hardcore dub over sub person and yuki kaji had me in tears. SUPER phenomenal voice performance in this episode, jesus christ.

Might’ve been the best ensemble voice acting I’ve ever seen in anything and that included movies. Eren’s, Mikasa, and Levi’s performances were phenomenal. Also, Erwin and Bertholdt’s voiceactors made their deaths that much more impactful.

Great VA work. Growing increasingly attached to floch character because his VA is so good.

Regarding the voice actors this episode, everyone did an awesome job and I expect EreMika to take top place. I chose Hange though because this episode showed new sides of her and it felt like she had a bigger variety of emotions to display. From the relentless wish to kill a titan, which was something uncharacteristic of her usual self, to the strong and determined ""It was my decision"" and then her desperate and vulnerable speech, and finally, her worn-out ""He's already dead."

I may have said all the voice actors were MVP this episode(they are tbh lol added a lot to this already emotional episode) but Mikasa's crying omg I FELT THAT

Hands down to the voice actors this episode, man. They deserve all the praise they can get. 🙌

THIS EPISODE HAD A PROFOUND LACK OF BACKGROUND MUSIC. DO YOU THINK THIS WAS THE CORRECT DECISION ON THE PART OF THE ANIME TEAM? 369 Responses

The majority of the episode had minimal or no background music. 71% of respondents were especially supportive of the decision, with 19.2% who were simply content. The rest would have preferred some more soundtracks or didn’t even notice at all.

It was a great decision, we could focus on what was the most important during those scenes - pure emotion in an outstanding performance by the VA's.

I feel like a track could've been placed during Hange's speech, but otherwise I liked the silence

thanksArminTitan ruined everything

It creeped me out so much. Awful yet good

It was great. But it could also have been great with music so I don't know if it was a good choice.

The silence made it feel eerie, you were able to hear the sizzling body in the background.

THE LACK OF AN OP WAS AN EXCELLENT DECISION. JUST HEARING SHIGASHINA BURNING? EXCELLENT DECISION.

This episode destroyed me! I was nearly in tears during the whole episode and finally shed tears once the music started playing at the end 😭

WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE PART ABOUT HANGE’S SPEECH? 371 Responses

Hange’s monologue about loss tugged a lot of heart strings. 35.8% of respondents preferred seeing the flashback of Moblit’s sacrifice. 33.2% liked everything Hange had to say, while 20.8% favored the hug between Hange and Mikasa.

WHO DO YOU FEEL WAS OBJECTIVELY THE BETTER PERSON TO REVIVE? 370 Responses

The decision between Armin and Erwin’s survival split the participants’ responses near evenly, though 47.3% thought the best objective choice was to revive Erwin, while 42.4% thought Armin was a better choice. (A small 10.3% thought neither were good options, you monsters!)

I want to say that depends on what sort of objectively we are looking for. Are we looking at it from an in character perspective? Then yes, I would've chosen Erwin. However, if we are looking at it from a story analysis/out of universe perspective, I feel Erwin should always have died, as Armin, in my opinion, has more potential for an additional narrative arc (though his character development would also have been perfect if he had died there) but also through Erwin's death, a lot more people gained new development (Levi, Hange, Armin obviously, Floche to some degree, to some degree the rest of the 104th) that I feel is much more important from a narrative point of view. This arc marks the moment where the status quo about the world is very violently shaken up, and Erwin's death does the same thing to the SC which I feel works best thematically.

OBJECTIVENESS ASIDE, WHO WOULD YOU HAVE CHOSEN TO REVIVE? 371 Responses

When it comes to personal preference, 70.1% of respondents would revive Armin, while 24% would have picked Erwin.

HOW DO YOU THINK ERWIN WOULD FEEL IF HE HAD BEEN PICKED INSTEAD OF ARMIN? 365 Responses

Had Erwin been chosen to receive the serum instead of Armin, 49.6% of respondents believe he would have mostly felt guilty. 25.8% believed Erwin would understand the final decision, while 15.3% think he’d be disappointed.

Accepting, but terribly sad, guilty and weary.

Happy to find out about the basement but once he confirmed his father’s theory, I think he would have preferred not being chosen.

Depressed. After the basement? Unmotivated and listless.

The first thing is he would want to go see the basement. After that, he'd continue to be crushed by his guilt and feel burdened with the responsibility of the titan power even though he no longer has a motivation to lead an army.

His speech made everyone go on a suicide charge with him, therefore after he would survive his guilt of fallen comrades would be unmeasurable. The charge was his final decision and his final redemption.

Erwin not only feel guilty at having been forced to live after coming to peace with his death, he would probably also come to resent Levi for breaking Erwin's trust by bringing him back.

Idk i feel he'd kinda be resentful like he was ready to die and he did value armin's skills so maybe he would view them killing off potential as a bad choice?

He would be suicidal like Reiner. Truth is Erwin wanted to die. And the basement reveal wouldn't make him happy. Like oh shit I found out the truth but now I have to worry about humans(Marley) instead of Titans now.

Very very tired. And saddened by Armin's death (cause the loss of potential, and I sorta feel Erwin does see his own younger self in Armin) but at the same time, it's also the same sadness over all the recruits that died. And again, that they died but he lived.

WHY DO YOU THINK LEVI INJECTED ARMIN INSTEAD OF ERWIN? 371 Responses

Multiple possibilities factored into Levi’s decision to pick Armin, though 45.8% of viewers believe it was mostly because Levi wanted to let Erwin rest. 42.6% believed it was a mix of all possible factors that played a role in his decision.

Erwin told Levi how he felt all his dead comrades were looking at him, Levi didn't want him to live with the guilt any longer.

I think ultimately, after Floch's speach Levi realized that Erwin was indeed becoming a monster and he didnt want him to go further down. But I also think that he cared for Armin and his dream enough that also played a part in his choice. He may have realized that he was being a hypocrite when he told Eren to set his feelings aside.

I believe that Levi wanted Erwin to escape this hellish world but also because he saw a more visionary future from Armin.

He realized Erwin gave up on his dream and made his mind to die but Armin hasnt and died while still longing for his dream. Plus he wanted him to rest from being a devil with guilt

Levi realized that Erwin had given all he had to give and that he’d only be bringing back an empty shell of who Erwin was. It would also be cruel to bring him back, as Levi explained.

He realized that Erwin and Kenny were both driven by the intoxication of their dreams, and wanted to set Erwin free from that.

Levi understood that Erwin's wish was to die there, at that moment when he was finally in tune with his words as a commander

Many factors influenced Levi's final decision. But I want to say something that suits better than simply saying "Levi chooses Armin". I mean, yes, he gave him the serum and the chance to be reborn to Armin, but I saw him more as if Levi chose Erwin as the best way for him, not for humanity. Both (and all) are slaves of a dream, a goal to achieve in their lives, and it is wrong to say that some dreams are more "good" or more valuable than others. Their lives cannot be measured by their actions, but by their souls. And Erwin soul was tired, full of pitty and guilt for how much soldiers and close friends died because "they gave their hearts" to him, their life and dreams for humanity, and every dead was a weight that fall in his shoulders, every mission, every year. And for Levi, Erwin is the most important person in his life, he knew all of his suffer. Erwin's death was the freedom for him, being freed of living in this hellsite and being called by the name of the devil. In summary, Levi decision was the most kind, empathetic and noble act in his life for Erwin. He loves this man so much, he needs to rest.

WHICH CHARACTER DO YOU FIND YOURSELF MOURNING THE MOST? 370 Responses

Three long-term character deaths happened in this episode. 58.4% of respondents grieved Erwin the most. Moblit was mourned by 18.9% of participants and 16.8% were more emotional for Bertolt’s demise.

Bertholdt deserved better 😔

I thought I got over Erwin’s death but haHA GUESS I WAS WRONG

RIP Erwin.

I feel almost cheated by having Bertl reduced to just titan fodder for the sake of pushing a protag’s story along.

F to Erwin

WHICH PART OF THE EPISODE GOT YOU CHOKED UP, IF AT ALL? 369 Responses

There were plenty of tearful moments that got viewers grabbing their tissues. Mikasa’s panicked crying when Levi was preparing to inject Erwin choked up 16.8% of participants the most. Levi’s reaction to Erwin’s death was the saddest to 13.3%, and 11.9% were emotional over Eren’s final plea to save Armin.

I teared up when Erwin died; I didn't realize the anime adaptation of Serumbowl would affect me so much. Kudos to the directors, VAs, animators, everyone for such an impactful episode

The episode was beautiful. It made me cry throughout most of it. The voice acting was amazing, especially Mikasa’s VA imo. Tons of respects for the VAs for delivering so much raw emotion and the animators’ amazing work on the visuals.

I'm not crying you're crying

Even if Eren and Mikasa were more demonstrative in their emotions, the one that made my heart broke is without hesitation Levi. His silent despair was much more poignant.

the "Which part of the episode got you choked up, if at all" made me insulted. I choked up the entire episode and this wasn't even a option.

I didn't cry like I did in the manga.

HOW WELL DID THE ANIME ADAPT THE CORRESPONDING CHAPTERS? 367 Responses

Overall, a majority of respondents believed the episode was very faithful to the manga with 80.4% rating at a near perfect score.

i wish the anime production team would realize that since anime ("film") and manga ("print") are two totally different media, you cant just adapt an anime episode "panel by panel" from a manga and have it be as good. it needs to be formatted for *anime*. such a lazy fucking way to go about adapting a show

Honestly this episode was emotionally exhausting, in a good way. The silence was a brilliant choice on the directors' part as it let the VAs raw emotion carry the episode. Character animation and expressions were also on point. Couldn't be happier with the adaptation of Ch.83-84.

IF LEVI HAD CHOSEN TO INJECT ERWIN, DO YOU THINK THAT THE CURRENT MANGA SITUATION WOULD BE AS DIRE? 370 Responses

It’s possible the events of the manga would have been different if Erwin were chosen instead of Armin. 24.9% of respondents the situation would be just as dire, 24.6% are not sure what would have happened, and 24.1% have faith in Erwin to come up with better strategies.

Armin will come through like he always does

His presence COULD have prevented a lot of factors, but this is just a guess, there is no guarantee he would change anything.

It would probably have been as bad, but Armin still has time to do something important.

Eren probably would've been a bit resentful over losing his best friend. Resulting in him going off on his own and being potentially more uncaring with the choices he makes

Would things be different if Erwin had been saved? I believe a lot of the shit that's going on in the manga right now is because cultists infiltrated the Survey Corps. I know Erwin is not perfect but his absence left a clear gap in their organization.

Hard to say. Grass is greener on the other side.

Just different. I don't think we can say that Erwin would've dealt with the current situation better because the current situation would not exist at all. From the moment of Erwin's death, the decisions became Hange's and her priorities shaped those. Erwin, from the start, would've made different decisions. Those may have led to the same situation occurring, those might have led to a whole different set of difficult circumstances. It is impossible to predict. Plus there is the Eren factor. We have Eren causing a lot of trouble for the SC right now, and that is an Eren who did get the revival of his best friend and his close companionship for a few more years. And Eren who lost Armin would've acted completely differently. Would he have resented the SC? Would he have even wanted to stay under the people who, in his eyes, killed Armin? Would anyone be able to talk him down. Would he strike out on his own more quickly and have another reason for potentially joining with Zeke? Maybe in a universe where Erwin was revived, sure, they would've had his experience and political savvy, but it is quite possible they would've lost Eren completely at a much earlier point. Does that lead to a better or worse situation? We literally cannot say.

I don't think there's a way to know for sure. Erwin stated that he wasn't sure what he planned to do after seeing Eren's basement, plus I'm not sure if he would have been able to handle any more guilt related to sending his soldiers to their deaths. Personally, I agreed with Levi when he said that Erwin deserved to rest.

No fucking Armin is useless as of now. That's what Hange was saying about leadership and insight. We could easily argue Isayama hasn't written anything for Armin, but you could also argue that attests to his lack of. Erwin wouldn't let Eren go rogue. The biggest question to ask all manga readers is whether Armin has done anything for humanity that Erwin couldn't have done thus far.

The situation inside the walls would definitely be a lot more organized, but when it comes to turning the tables on Marley, Armin seems to find the most creative ways to turn the tables on their enemies in a way that doesn’t leave a pile of corpses behind him the way Erwin does. The early part of this arc demonstrated what they lost with Erwin, but I believe it’s Armin’s turn to do something great again. And let’s be honest, it’s Eren’s fault that Armin hasn’t gotten the chance to do anything besides plan the Liberio reinforcements anyways.

EREN WAS UNABLE TO LET ARMIN GO, A SHOW OF HOW MUCH HIS FRIENDS ARE HIS WEAKNESS. DO YOU THINK HE STILL HARBORS THE SAME WEAKNESS TOWARDS THEM IN THE CURRENT EVENTS? 371 Responses

One of Eren’s biggest vulnerabilities is his attachment to his friends, although current manga events have displayed Eren’s less heartfelt treatment of his loved ones. 51.5% of respondents, however, still believe Eren harbors the same weakness for them now as he did back then. 25.6% aren’t quite sure, while 18.6% believe he has completely moved on.

He does care. He just isn’t weak about it. Or at least, he doesn’t show it. But he still wants to protect them.

I think only placing Armin or Mikasa in a deathly situation would descover If Eren still harbours feelings for them. In this point of the manga I believe Eren has forgotten all love and compassion and he needs a sparkle to remind them.

He grew up, so of course he has changed. But I still believe he cares about them, he just doesn't want them around rn and prefers to do this by himself.

Eren never really cared about his friends. He didn't wnat to let Armin go because he can't take no for an answer.

Some yes but I think he is influenced by so many previous titan shifters and the titans themselves it got kinda suppressed

Probably? Maybe he kept what happened here in mind in order to say the horrible things he did in Ch 112. I honestly hadn't thought of this before, that Eren himself would distance his friends because they were his weaknesses. :/

I don’t think Eren actually loves Armin, just what Armin symbolizes to him

Maybe a little but not as much

if we can believe what the message Isayama is making us read between the lines to see, yes, the 104th are his weakness and he is subjecting himself to be a terrible villain for their futures and freedom, 100%

HAS THE ANIME ADAPTATION OF THE SERUMBOWL™ CHANGED YOUR PERCEPTION OF EREN AND MIKASA IN THIS MOMENT? 367 Responses

When the Serumbowl chapters were first released, there were varying reactions to Eren and Mikasa’s actions. With years since then and the anime retelling, most viewers’ opinions remained unchanged, 69.5% of respondents say that they were always empathetic, while 10.1% are still indifferent, and 9.3% remain upset by their behavior.

I get where they were coming from, I still do. But I also still think they shouldn't have acted this way (neither of them, even Levi), but it was a tough and intense situation

It was badly animated and overacted so I cringed. But that’s not the characters’ fault

Eren was understandably sad but Mikasa proved her unlikability further with her need to resort to violence.

From their perspective, it was reasonable for them to feel that way. However, I felt disappointed that Erwin was going to die especially since I would have chosen him.

I understood their behavior, but they were in the wrong ( both versions)

Empathised before, but now moreso

It changed a bit from Eren side bc I was surprise by the ease he could have to rebel against someone he admire that much, but also Mikasa bc with a manga reader perspective, I saw that she wouldn't have killed none of Levi and Floch. But tbh I just thought "Oh waw, it's almost scary to see how well they get along when it comes to murder someone"

EreMika being emotional during the serumbowl. Well that is understandable but not excusable. I could argue that Levi was emotional too, his decision to revive Armin wasn't just because he wanted Erwin to rest but also because he thought Armin had a good, pure dream (otherwise he wouldn't have gotten all those flashbacks of Armin flailing about the sea). But EreMika only wanted their friend alive, with little consideration towards Humanity's chances of survival, and only after a long process of persuasion did Mikasa finally let go of Armin...while Eren still did not. That, coupled with the fact that Mikasa legit attacked their one and only best soldier because emotions...I cannot find their actions justifiable…

Eren action just screams childish and selfish just like a child who is throwing a tantrum and crying out loud when his demand wasn’t fulfilled. I understand he can’t helped it since it’s his precious friend but it just shows his immaturity and his inability to understand other people pains other than his own. I don’t see him putting his faith in Levi’s decisions nor others comrades’ when the decisions didn’t go the way he likes; he was angry, bitter, he even forced to take it away and threatening.

FLOCH HAS COMPARED BOTH ERWIN AND EREN TO A DEVIL. DO YOU THINK HE SEES THE SAME QUALITIES IN EREN NOW THAN HE HAD SEEN IN ERWIN? 369 Responses

Floch believes only a devil can defeat their enemies. With the current happenings of the manga, 73.4% of respondents believe Floch thinks Eren holds similar “monstrous” qualities that Erwin had, though 14.6% are not quite sure.

Maybe Floch in the Manga is trying to become the devil because he knows no one else will do it.

HOW DID YOU FEEL ABOUT THE SPLIT SECOND FLASHBACK OF ERWIN RAISING HIS HAND AT SCHOOL? 367 Responses

The anime added a brief transition scene of Erwin raising his hand at school. 52.9% of respondents enjoyed the addition and felt it helped show that Erwin was in a dreamlike state. 40.6% of viewers though it was a neat extra touch that added more impact to the moment. A small amount of viewers could have done without it.

I jumped when i saw that moment, that was a perfect decision, this episode is truly poetic cinema.

Essentially the second option, but I'd like to say that it wasn't just a "neat" addition, it was a heartbreakingly poignant one.

really makes you realize how much erwin was stuck in the past

I blinked and almost missed it, so if they were gonna add it, they should have made it a tad longer

Apparently this still wasn't enough for people to realize that this was Erwin hallucinating, and not him rejecting the serum.

I feel like Erwin overheard everything & willingly rejected the serum, but was just so out of it that he couldn’t form the right words to tell Levi his actual thoughts on the matter. I think it’s good writing, generally speaking.

I started sobbing

It was funny and silly actually

This scene was made in perfection. It showed Erwin’s hopes and dreams but also his big heroism and dedication to the cause.

iM NOT CRYING YOU'RE CRYING

NOW THAT WE KNOW MORE ABOUT BERTOLT, HAVE YOUR FEELINGS ABOUT HIS DEATH CHANGED? 366 Responses

More information on Bertolt’s backstory was revealed later in the manga, which had 31.7% of respondents feel more pity for him when watching his death in the anime. 24.6% were always sad to see him die and 21% of participants felt more sad about it.

Didn't really change. On one hand i feel bad for him but i also really disliked him.

His death in the anime mirrored Marco's and seemed fitting

Nah, i didn't felt anything when he died, and even tho i am more empatethic and pit for with him rn, he still killed hundreds of people. It's good to understand the characters reasons (somethign wedon't have with Eren) but it's also a fact that his reasons don't erase what he did.

I felt bad for Bert's death before the Marley arc. But more of a disturbing pity way. Now I feel alot more sympathetic. However, he still deserved to die unfortunately.

In that moment I felt so bad and there are times when I do but in general I prefer Paradis to Marley. Though I understand what an awful situation they are in. The music and how it was carried out was heartbreaking tho.

His reaction just broke me, in the end he was left alone, with his own guilt and unfulfilment.

I am more sympathetic, but I still believe that he brought that onto himself.

I've always been ambivalent about Bert's death; I'm not happy to see him die but I'm not particularly sad either.

No, he's one of the characters the series could never get me to care much for.

Seeing Bertholdt’s death made me a lot more emotional than the manga. His reaction and voice acting really hit it home for me since I have a soft spot for him after reading the manga. RIP Bertie, despite the circumstances he couldn’t control he definitely deserved better :’(

WHAT DID YOU THINK ABOUT THE ADDITION OF BERTOLT SMILING AS HE SPOTS HIS FORMER COMRADES? 368 Responses

The anime added a moment of Bertolt’s temporarily smiling when he saw his former comrades. 44.3% of participants thought the addition added more emotional impact to his death, and 28.5% of participants felt sorry for him. 14.9% were upset that Bertolt had the nerve to smile at all.

Dark as heck, I love it

After he clearly asked them to die, how could he think they would help him? (Granted, he was panicking and all but still...)

It was a good show that for a brief moment after regaining consciousness, he was back to thinking of his days as a solder and that his old friendship would save him, before realizing the gravity of the situation

Didn't notice until it was pointed out on Reddit; strange detail to add

It made the scene weirdly comedic

That moment of hope then realization did work emotionally, but I preferred the way it happened in the manga.

It wasn't a smile. More like a baffled-smile.

We all know that his actions were imposed, and the thought of them alone has traumatized the RBA trio. They have shown many times the guilt and need for forgiveness for everything they did. They don't deserve any of this, much less die in such a horrible way as being devoured alive! For me, Berthold was a background character, the boy who was always next to Reiner and that's all, but reviewing and watching more closely his evolution in the anime, even more his death, made me feel really bad for him. Berth deserved more attention in his life, more love and praise, because it is evident that his self-esteem was THAT LOW for all the comments that others gave, including Reiner, his best friend. Anyway, as I said in a post, the one who died was not the Colossal Titan, was a lonely, shy and noble teenager who just wanted to be loved.

I truly wish the survey corps were instead able to convert Bertolt and Reiner to their side instead of watching Bertolt die so brutally. The fact that he flashed a smile when he saw his former comrades really goes to show that he instinctively thought of them as his friends. Truly a sad addition to the anime. All he wanted was to be found.

WHICH SCENE FROM THE PREVIEW ARE YOU MOST LOOKING FORWARD TO? 366 Responses

From the preview scenes of the Basement, a majority 39.9% of participants anticipate the scene of Eren being unable to unlock the door with the key. 29.8% of respondents are most looking forward to Eren, Mikasa, Levi, and Hange approaching the basement. 13.7% are anticipating the scene where Armin learns about the sacrifices made to revive him.

I just need to see Eren's face trying so Hard to lift the bar that fell on top of his house and Mikasa and Levi just lift it like it is a feather.

Levi opening the basement's door with his foot is one of the best scenes of the whole chapter and no one will ever change my mind

THERE HAVE BEEN RUMORS ABOUT A POSSIBLE ANIME-ONLY EM FLASHBACK SEQUENCE NEXT EPISODE TO MAKE SURE THE EPISODE ENDS WITH GRISHA AND FAYE LEAVING THEIR HOUSE. THOUGHTS? 367 Responses

There are rumors that the new episode will have an extended flashback with Eren and Mikasa. 60.8% of respondents are fine with the addition as long as it doesn’t detract from the manga material. Others are very excited about the flashback, don’t want the extra scenes, or don’t care.

As long as it contributes to what’s currently happening, I won’t have a problem with it.

I don't think anime has time for filler

The anime direly needs a breather episode to let people process the events of the last few episodes, and that would allow for it while also leading to an ending that brings in the next part of the story.

I dont like filler but if it's relevant and faithful to the story, why not

I like when they stick straight to the manga, but this will be interesting?

ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS ON THE EPISODE?

The anime deciding to work both 83 and 84 into an episode solved my biggest issue with Serumbowl just like that. By having both chapters flow into each other, the sense of urgency and chaos of the event actually resonated with me, rather that having lost that in the monthly wait between chapters. And I really appreciate that.

I was crying like a fuckin baby, this was amazing.

Wonderful episode. So much emotion. I was only disappointed to see that it removed the close-up shot of a crying Reiner. I believe it was the only scene of him ever shedding a tear since he became a warrior..

Hange may have suffered the most by losing her close friend/assistant and her close friend/commander + physically losing her left eye. She also has to step up to the mantle of being the new commander to fill the impossibly large shoes that Erwin left behind.

All the emotions I felt while watching this episode made me realise how much i am greatful for those who matter to me the most, this is why this episode was just the best.

Erwin will live forever in my heart. Best anime character

Sad that we didn't see Reiner crying.

I find it great that Bert's death was done in such a great way where whether you are a Manga or Anime-only viewer, you have tons of different conflicting opinions regarding Bert's death.

This episode was splendid, brilliant in every way, I just have to give a round of applause to the voice actors and animators who did this great work. And maybe for that reason and to relive these feelings already believed buried years ago, I thought about what things would have happened and not if another path had been taken. The death of Erwin was the breaking of everything. In that time (years ago) when I saw that Levi chose Armin, it was sad, VERY SAD, but I had faith that he would be the future and the hope to guide us to a better destiny, one without big conflicts and wise and transcendent decisions, but no. Until now Armin has not done much, almost nothing. The current situation of the government, the "betrayal" from Eren and genocide on Liberio, Historia waiting for the time to pass so that her son born and immediately introduce her to the curse that cost so much to get out, ingesting the Beast Titan from Zeke. All these factors make me think that if Erwin was alive none of this would have happened, his leadership and conviction are more necessary than ever now. And seeing it as a whole, more than the fact that Erwin is officially dead (I mean in anime and manga), it gives me even more pain and helplessness than before to see that maybe Levi's decision was not the right one. This feel of desolation also falls for Levi (ofc), Hange, Armin, Eren, Historia, in everyone! Perhaps if the situation had been different, maybe everything would be better, I don't know. However, I don't want to stop believing in Armin, if he was chosen is because he has a purpose to fulfill, perhaps being the new "Helos" that will stop this great war, I don't know either... We'll see it soon, I hope so.

Some of the timing in the animation was weird and irked me a little

"I read the manga, I know whats gonna happen, I'll be fine" - BOY WAS I WRONG! Cried like a bitch pratically the whole episode holy crap what a masterpiece this episode was

It was so so so so badly animated. It looked worse than the manga. The amount of completely still frames was absurd.

It feels like the end of an era. I don't think I'll ever be able to watch the anime the same way. After this, everything turns upside down, and everything seems tainted by the truth of their world. When I think like that I'm glad Levi let Erwin go when he did. Erwin would have thrived in the current events, for sure, but he would've hated it and himself for his part in it. I have no doubt Erwin would blame himself thoroughly for Armin's death, if he had been given the serum then.

Best episode of season 3 thus far. I feel like the art in this episode is the best out of any of them, mostly due to the fact that they probably brought back some of the season 2 staff to work their Close-Up-Facial-Shot-Magic™️. There was a lot of detail put into the faces of the characters this time around and I feel like that’s been lacking ever since season 3 started. I hope they stick around for the rest of the season.

As someone who is extremely neutral about Mikasa, this episode made me shed tears at the expression of utter pain she had when she accepted armin's death, 10/10 animation, how heartbreaking.

The last 3 episodes are the greatest Attack On Titan episodes ever. I just can't decide which one is the best. I am leaning on Hero, but both Perfect Game and Midnight Sun could easily take its place.

omg it was so good I died and thanked God that snk exists kjnhbdhcbdsapozkd

WHERE DO YOU PRIMARILY DISCUSS THE SERIES? 353 Responses

Thanks again to everyone who participated! We’ll see you again in a few days!

#snk spoilers #snk s3 #snk poll #snk polls #poll results

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wafflesandsyrup · 6 years

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About Me~

“tagged” by @vontacompton.

My Last:

1: Drink: Water, but maybe wine by the time this post is through. 2: Phone Call: @catneepx, an angel. 3: Text Message: Mom! 4: Song You Listened To: “Doesn’t Remind Me” by Audioslave 5: Time You Cried: Like five minutes ago. Not even an exaggeration, I cry over everything, and it’s triggered by every emotion. This time it was because I watched The Iron Giant for the millionth time.

Have You Ever:

9: Lost Someone Special: Yeah boi 10: Been Depressed: Yeahhhhhh boiiiiii 11: Gotten Drunk And Thrown Up: Once! I can’t even think of drinking a gin and tonic anymore. But I took it like a champ. It was super funny then and now, lmao. 12: Three Favorite Colors: Red, Blue, and Gray/Black tbh

In The Last Year Have You:

13: Made New Friends: Yes! More before I moved, but I have made a handful of friends recently. 14: Fallen Out Of Love: Nope! 15: Laughed Until You Cried: Absolutely. 16: Found Out Someone Was Talking About You: lol yeah 17: Met Someone Who Changed You: I don’t think so! I’m usually who changes myself. I don’t think I have ever changed because of someone else. 18: Found Out Who Your Friends Are: For sure. I don’t tolerate disrespect or pettiness lmao 19: Kissed Someone On Your Facebook list: My husband, so yes! 20: How Many Of Your Facebook Friends Do You Know In Real Life: All of them, even if I knew them briefly. 21: Do You Have Any Pets: I have a dog! Back in MO, I have another dog and a cat, who I miss a shit ton. 22: Do You Want To Change Your Name: No, though it was hard to let go of my last name when I got married. I’ll always hyphenate it on unofficial documents lmfao. My new one is pretty unusual, though. 23: What Did You Do For Your Last Birthday: I made a booze cake and drank at home, since Brendan won’t be 21 until October and I had no other friends in WA lol. 24: What Time Did You wake Up: 9:30 25: What Were You Doing At Midnight Last Night: Playing Skyrim 26: Name Something You Can’t wait For: I can’t wait to visit home in July, for the short term, and I can’t wait to achieve my goal of being a forensic nurse. 27: When Was The Last Time You saw Your Mom: November. I miss her so much. I am her number one fan. I’ll talk about my mom to everyone, she’s so smart, funny and pretty! 28: What Are You Listening To Right Now: Chopin’s “Ballade No.1 in G minor, Op.23″-- I’m planning on learning this on the piano soon, and I grew especially attached to it after watching Your Lie in April tbh. 29: Have You Ever Talked To A Person Named Tom: Actually, no.

General:

30: Something That Is Getting On Your Nerves: Boredom tbh, but that’s nothing new. My inability to relax, too! I just want restful sleep god dammit. 31: Most Visited Website: YouTube probs 32: Hair Color: Dirty blonde?? Light brown maybe?? some copper is in there too?????????? Idk anymore. 33: Long Or Short Hair: Short right now, though I want to have medium-length hair for a while before having long hair again. 34: Do You Have A Crush On Someone: I’m married, so I obviously do lmfao. 35: What Do You Like About Yourself: I like my personality-- I like making people laugh and how I look on the bright side of life (since I used to be a real big whiny pussybitch). 36: Piercings: Ears 37: Blood Type: Ok i’m gonna be fr I have no idea what my blood type is so if i need blood immediately i’m fucked 38: Nickname: Syrup! 39: Relationship Status: Married to my fav human. 40: Zodiac Sign: Capricorn 41: Pronouns: She/her 42: Favorite TV Show: the X-Files, though I also like Parks and Rec. 44: Right Or Left Handed: Right 45: Surgery: I got my tonsils removed as a kid (super shit) and my wisdom teeth removed (also suuuuuper shit). Once I am done losing weight, I’m going to have a breast reduction because this shit is out of control. 46: Sport: Softball/baseball 47: Vacation: I would like to visit Europe (particularly Ireland, England, Germany, and Italy) and Japan, China, and Korea. In the US I would like to visit each state at some point. 48: Pair of trainers/Sneakers or Tennis Shoes: I call them tennis shoes, and I have a nice black pair of running shoes which are super comfy.

More General:

49: Eating: an apple lol 50: Drinking: wine 51: I’m About To: fold laundry and play more Skyrim, probably, maybe, hopefully. 52: Waiting For: Death to Take Its Inevitable Toll on my Flesh Prison 53: Want: hugs, friends, to be able to eat like a fat piece of shit w/o being a fat piece of shit lmfao help 54: Get Married: check 55: Career: I want to be a forensic nurse. I love working with the human body, always have, and I have always been fascinated with the forensic industry. I’ve wanted to do something that makes me happy and does something to get justice for people who have been hurt, and the moment I decided upon this career path I felt like everything finally made sense. A huge weight left my shoulders, that’s for sure.

Which Is Better:

56: Hugs Or Kisses: Hugs! I love hugging. I hug everyone bc I have a lot of platonic love to give every single person. 57: Lips Or Eyes: yo’ peepers! 58: Shorter Or Taller: I’d say similar height or taller because I am incredibly short, but personality is what seals the deal for me in the end. 59: Older Or Younger: about the same age, give or take a year (since my husband is about a year younger than me), or older. I wouldn’t be able to stand someone all that much younger than me if we’re being honest here lmfao 60: Nice Arms Or Nice Stomach: Stomach?????? 61: Hook Up Or Relationship: Relationship, for the other person’s sake. I’m too much of a goof for hooking up and I’d make someone feel insecure for cracking a joke in the middle of some sort of sexual encounter. It is literally impossible for me to take sex seriously. Also, I just prefer the companionship part of relationships over the physical. 62: Troublemaker Or Hesitant: Troublemaker, but not like... a felon or anything. Just goofy, without shame, and kind of annoying. Like me. But being reasonable when appropriate is important, too.

Have You Ever:

63: Kissed A Stranger: Yeahhhhhhh, immediate regret (cigarette mouth!). 64: Drank Hard Liquor: ya 65: Lost Glasses/Contact Lenses: every gd day dawg. and it’s partially because in order to find my glasses I need my glasses to see them. 66: Turned Someone Down: hoooooooo boy, yes, yes, yes. 68: Broken Someones Heart: HOOOOOOOOO boy, yes. I was always caught off guard by it, because I never see someone as potential relationship material, but always as bff material, until they make it explicitly clear. It just wouldn’t feel right to assume they may have a thing for me. So, most of my friends in life have been guys, and I have had to deal with a lot of uncomfortable confessions and rejection from said pals. I hate hurting people, and they’re often very hurt by my rejection, and I end up losing friends over it. I don’t even like thinking about it lol. 69: Had Your Heart Broken: Yup! Abusively and tragically. Some Carrie shit, haha. It doesn’t impact me now, except for making me angry. 70: Been Arrested: I’m a straight edge dude. 71: Cried When Someone Died: Duh 72: Fallen For A Friend: I can’t fall for someone unless we are friends, so yes! Brendan was my BFF for a while until he told my oblivious ass he wanted to date me.

Do You Believe In:

73: Yourself: Yes! The only person you can always depend upon, no matter what, is yourself. 74: Miracles: hmmmm, maybe. I’ll say yes, but my skeptical mind will always question. 75: Love At First Sight: Attraction at first sight, maybe. I believe in friendship at first sight, if we’re being honest. I see someone and just get this feeling that we could be awesome friends. Love is something much more deep rooted for me. 76: Santa Claus: I believe in My Dad 78: Angels: I’m not sure. I’m open to the possibility, due to the limitations set by existing as a human, but I’m not Christian or anything. I feel like there’s “something” out there, but I’m just a dumb human and will likely never be able to know for sure. I think human beings can be deemed angels.

Other:

79: Current Best Friend’s Name: Casi/Stephanie (I love them both so much my dudes). 80: Eye Color: Green/Hazel (more green than hazel tho-- it’s really cool because i have a fleck of gold in one of my irises, and my grandma has the same fleck of gold) 81: Favorite Movie: I couldn’t narrow it down to one. I love the LOTR movies, The Sixth Sense, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Spirited Away, Saving Private Ryan...... the list goes on forever. My family has always been a big movie family.

im not tagging anyone lol

#long post #tagged

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literallytoad · 7 years

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ignore this I'm just complaining

I'm depressed again oops I love my wife so much but I honestly wish she could have married someone else who is not a complete fuckup, someone who is capable of holding a decent paying full time job and also getting some things done around the house and just giving her what she needs in general and being an equal partner in marriage instead of just a constant drain on her and her resources I graduated like a week or two after we got married and the deal was for me to get a job and be able to pull my own weight but I didn't. It's been almost 3 years and here I am working on a second degree because the only jobs I could get with my degree in physics were low paying part time bullshit (and I really did try to find a job but tutoring for 10 an hour like 20 hours a week was honestly the best I could get) so now I'm working part time in my dumb student job on campus and she is working full time in a real job she hates, being overworked and underpaid and underappreciated to support us and I get why she is angry because she should be. I am 25 fucking years old and have never worked full time. I really don't even have the right to exist. And I just had top surgery right, because it cost 6000 something dollars and my wife's bottom surgery would have cost well over 20,000 so we both agreed it made more sense to get mine first while we can sort of afford it? That makes sense right? But then a couple days ago she told me that her friend had the same surgery in Thailand for NINE THOUSAND DOLLARS including travel including everything and we could have gotten loans and we could have made that happen and why the fuck didn't she tell me that and I want to be mad at her for that but I also could have looked that up on my own and I didn't because I'm selfish and I just wanted what I wanted. I was so happy about my new chest but now when I see it I just feel absolutely sick with guilt because I took something away from my wife that she desperately wanted. I thought it was an impossible dream either way. I didn't know I was taking it from her but I did and now I have to live with that. And she says my recovery has been hard for her and I have tried so hard to do absolutely everything for myself that I can, I haven't asked her to bring me my medication past the actual day of my surgery, I didn't ask her to help me wash my hair when it was getting disgusting and I couldn't shower, I raised my arms up to do it myself even though I wasn't supposed to. I did ask her to help me change the bandages every day for the first week and I know that was frustrating for her but it was medically necessary and I was not physically able to do it by myself and she said she would take care of me but now I get why she was so bitter and resentful about it. And I asked her if she wanted me to try applying for admin jobs again, full-time things that require a bachelor's degree but not a specific major, and she said no, she wants me to finish my second degree and become a fucking mechanical engineer and anything less is not good enough. Meanwhile FAFSA has cut me off and I don't even know how I'm going to pay for classes next semester because after paying for top surgery and for other things this summer while not working, I don't have enough left on my credit cards so I'm pretty much just fucked. And I'm finally starting the process of being assessed for adhd, and while I obviously don't know for sure whether I meet the diagnostic criteria for it, I do know that I forget things and make tons of mistakes all the time and fuck everything up and if you do that as an engineer people can literally die. I'm afraid of getting a diagnosis and having an actual confirmed disability. I'm afraid of NOT getting a diagnosis and having to live with the fact that I'm just dumb and lazy and overly sensitive and that I have no excuse for it. I wish I could live by myself. I wish that when I get in a bad state and can't take care of myself or my space, I wish that was just my problem. I wish my wife, who I love, didn't have to pick up the slack. I wish that I could live in a cheap ass one bedroom or studio apartment and not make a lot of money and it would be ok because I don't need a lot. I wish all the stuff in my living space was mine so I could move it or get rid of it when the rare motivation to clean and organize strikes me. I wish fucking up just meant fucking up my own life. I wish my wife didn't have to suffer from me being literal human garbage. I don't want to kill myself but I wish I had just never existed.

#she deserves so much better #my post #complaining #depression /#suicide mention #top surgery #money #career stuff #marriage #maybe this is post op depression idk if it can set in more than a week after surgery #I hate myself though #i really am not looking for attention I am ok and I don't need any responses to this #It just feels better to get it out there

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damnitaddie · 8 years

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Adventures in Mental Health

I wanted to write this up before I forget any of the finer details. As I’ve mentioned before, I tend to take my mental health very seriously. With the amount of stressors that I have experienced in the last 2 years, I’m not ashamed to say that depression has been a problem. When you also consider that one of my best friends committed suicide about 10 months ago after losing his battle with depression, it becomes even more important to me.

Over the last year, I’ve been working with my family doctor and my psychologist to find a balance. My GP has tried adjusting my dosages, as well as trying different drugs, to no avail. Both at separate times suggested that I see a psychiatrist that had more specific knowledge on psychotropics. I was recommended to a center that was staffed with both nurse practitioners and doctors of psychiatry. I called and set up an appointment for this past Thursday.

As I normally do when visiting a new doctor, I downloaded their intake paperwork completed it a couple days prior to the appointment. Nevertheless, I arrived about 13 minutes early for my 10:15 appointment. I signed in at the front desk and took a seat. The first thing I noticed was how busy the place was. The building being a repurposed house didn’t have a large waiting room and it was full. Additionally, some of the people waiting had restaurant style pagers.

10:15 came and went as I amused myself on the internet as usual. As 10:30 came, I called my

Seriously?

manager to let him know that I would be coming in later due to a doctor’s appointment. At 10:38, I finally got up and went back to the window to see if they had forgotten about me. She motioned towards the check-in book.

“I signed in at 10:03. The sticker I signed has been peeled off”, I replied.

With no apology or explanation, she took my paperwork and a copy of my ID, then provided me with a pager of my own. I sat across from a mother and daughter, who were waiting for a 10AM appointment. She was finally paged at 10:52. In less than 5 minutes, her appointment was over. I’m thinking, “Seriously? SERIOUSLY?” in my best Meredith Grey voice.

About that time, I get called and simultaneously vibrated as my table for four is ready.. Oh wait, this is a mental health office, not Texas Roadhouse. So I meet my new person. His name is, well, we’ll call him Steve. So Steve invites me into his office. The first thing I notice is that it’s like my office at home. A mess. Stuff everywhere. Which, I can’t cast stones in glass houses, but hey! I don’t see patients in my office. We just play video games and post passive aggressive tweets. I digress.

He introduces himself, and we’re exchanging pleasantries. He mentions that there’s an Addison in his family, but that Addison is a boy. I told him that a hundred years ago, Addison was primarily a masculine name, but in recent decades has become more popular as a woman’s name. I also mentioned that I had a non-binary/agender friend and their name is Addison as well. This is where things started to go sideways.

“What is non-binary?” he asks.

At first I think he’s joking. Then as I look at his face, I can actually see the puzzled look on his face. It’s the same face my seven year old makes when I explain something technical. It’s not dramatically different than my dogs cocking their heads to one side when you say, “Who’s a good dog?”

I explained that there are people who don’t identify with either male or female, that there are people who are fluid between genders and then some, like my friend, who are agender. They don’t identify as any gender. I got the feeling that, maybe.. I was his first trans patient. Somehow, it feels slightly unfair that this guy brings in at least $75-100 an hour, but I have to educate him on things that he could find on google.

Next, Steve starts with a brief history. I give him the broad strokes, my laundry list of medications. What we’ve tried, etc. I always like when a professional asks me, “Why such a low dose of X?” To which I’m thinking, “Uh, IDK. That’s what the doctor told me to take???”

Anyway, he asks about family history. I tell him what I know, in terms of mental health. Then we go into alcoholism and addiction. I explain about my father and his sobriety up until his passing. He pushes deeper about the rest of the family.

“Well, I was raised catholic, so that should give you an idea”, I quipped.

He doesn’t get the joke and continues to push on it. I explain that if you go AA’s “Twelve Questions Only You Can Answer” page, many of my family members would have fallen on the spectrum at some point in their lives.

Finally, moving on, I’m asked about any past surgeries. Mind you, all of this was listed on my intake paperwork. I tell him that I had GRS in May and then Breast Augmentation in November. That I had my wisdom teeth out about 16-17 years ago but other than that, no other significant medical interventions.

I explain that I’m having a number of issues aside from just typical depression. My problem list:

Trouble concentrating

Issues staying on task

Constant exhaustion, lethargy, and malaise.

Nervous Anxiety

Clenching my jaw subconsciously when I’m awake.

Then we take, what feels like, a drastic course change back to Transtown™. First is a question that’s so hard for a trans person to answer, at least in the first couple years.

“Are you still,” motioning with his hands towards his crotch, “…. um… male down there?”

I shot him the kind of look that only a mother would give to her kids when they’re out of line and replied, “I was never male.”

It’s called a penis.

As he stumbled over his words and tried to make a coherent sentence, I asked if it was medically relevant to my mental health? Mind you, if he had read my intake paperwork, or had any familiarity with trans patients, he’d have know without asking. He said it was, because some of the drugs have sexual side effects, including erectile dysfunction.

And once again, I had to come back to Trans 101 and explain that a decent percentage of trans women who are post-op or non-op have issues with getting or maintaining an erection. Because of the use of anti-androgens, such as Spironolactone, our testosterone levels are typically lower than the average cis woman. I explained that mine were normally somewhere in the 8-12 range, on a scale of 8-55 for cis women, cis men having a much higher range from ~300-1000 (ng/dL).

I went on to explain that there was a much better way to ask those questions to a trans person. I suggested, “Do you still have a penis?” Or even better “Do you still have testicles?”

From that point on, I pretty much checked out on this dude. Especially when he started to show me facebook pictures of his sister’s lesbian wedding on his phone. Because, you know I’m a lesbian, so we must all lesbian together. Or something.

In the end, he had two cardboard boxes of some drug called “Trintellix” of which he rummaged through and gave me two sample bottles. He basically claimed it to be the best stuff on the planet and that a number of his patients had seen improvements in 1-3 days. Which is odd, because my understanding of SSRI’s is that they usually take a couple weeks to build up a normal level in your system. He wants to see me back in two weeks.

Sorry, I think I’ll skip it.

Adventures in Mental Health was originally published on TransVentures

#depression #dumb people #transgender

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