#maybe theyll grow again for spring or something

[subtotechno]

Make a bigger door for her then

she's fine she doesn't care

[hardwarevent]

Highs and lows

So it's like 6am. C just left for work. I know because they're super loud, or I just am a light sleeper. Usually I will go into their bathroom to weigh myself, and I'll see their Hitachi lying un-put away on their floor next to their bed. I think it's been there every day for 3 days straight. This bothers me for some reason. I guess it reminds me of how high their sex drive is sometimes, and how I'm afraid I'll never find someone who has as high a drive as that. Things like that get to me sometimes, especially late at night slash early in the morning. I'm an emotional being. I've been trying to kick being lonely for C for like... god, 6 months now? Newsflash for y'all out there: it's super hard to live with your ex while also getting over them. I hate when people are like "Oh (me), why are you so upset about breaking up with C even now, but like back then even you were, you're the one who broke up with them right?" Well I don't really have a straight answer, but I guess it's because the reasons I broke up with them were a little superficial in retrospect, especially putting how long we were together as a persepctive, but also there were some really important reasons where I knew that eventually it would make me grow as a person? And also I was really tired of living a lie in terms of what we were. Honestly, I think I was lying to myself for a very long time about the state of our relationship. I was so stupid and weak for not breaking up with them permanently instead of dragging on a i-dont-know-what-this-is relationship for as long as I did. Let's be real, it was a relationship. They were my significant other. I was just too much of a pussy to say so to everyone. If I was honest with this, if I was honest to myself and C and everyone around, would I have stayed with them? Maybe. This is something that scares me a lot, fairly often. You hear sometimes that relationships are something you work at, something that takes time and effort. You can't just find someone that clicks perfectly and then it's perfect bliss for the rest of your life. And what scares me is that maybe C was worth keeping, but I just didn't work hard enough on our relationship, because I didn't really actualize it... we didn't say I love you to each other for like... 4 whole years while still being together. I'm sad... but I'm also pissed off, you know? I'm pissed off at myself for both not getting over them, and letting them go. It's like I made a decision, but am punishing myself with the negatives from both sides. I can't take this anymore. It's tearing me apart. I know I said I was okay on the last post, but I think things like this just take so much work. Maybe I'll never get over C. Maybe this will just be my default state for the rest of my life, just being depressed and anxious over C and what they're doing and who they're fucking and how much they masturbate and why I'm a terrible broken person for being afraid of a commitment to someone I don't view as a good long-term mate cuz maybe my standards are too high and I'll eventually turn into a stalker and theyll get a restraining order and it'll turn into this nasty thing. Maybe that's the fate that I'm resigned to. But then again... I dunno. I get real sad sometimes. C may have been my one true chance at at least vaguely happy long-term companionship, and I fucked it up. And hey, since I did all this shit, our relationship can't even go back to the shitty frankenrelationship it once was! So that's cool. I've been fucking giving myself a slow, painful torture session over the course of the last 6 months. You know how they tell you to just rip off a bandaid? I'm fucking going at a snails pace with this bandaid. Sometimes I think I put the bandaid back on a little so I can rip it off more. I'm savoring every fucking inch of this bandaid rip. It's like not even mostly off yet, probably. No, it's mostly off. What's next? Just moving out, pretty much. I could have that done by next month. A friend has offered a room on the other side of the bay. I might end up taking it. What other choices do I have? Pretty much fucking nothing at this point. God, the fucking crush of theirs is so annoying too. He fucking pings me like "hey are we cool it just seems like you're a little cold to me" and I'm like "yeah whatever we just don't mesh it's cool" and he's like "ok if you ever want to talk about your feelings I'm here" and I'm like "uhhh ok it feels like you're trying a little too hard to be friends here" and he's like "this is how things worked in bum fuck nowhere where I'm from and also I wanna be friends with everyone! XD furry telegram sticker" and I'm like uhhhhhhhh and this is pretty much how it went. Like don't fucking lie to be dude. No one "just wants to be friends with everyone". You either want to be friends because this is a stick in the mud for C, or you can't stand the fact I just don't fucking like you or find you interesting, or you want SOMETHING from me. No one tries this hard to be friends just from pure sheer benevolence. This shit happened so many fucking times in my life. People will come on really strong trying to be friends with me, and I'll be like "uhhh" and then there'll be a catch because they want something from me, like theyre trying to get me to join their religion, or buy something, or they want me to like them for some superficial reason. Oh hey, that's one new thing I've learned from the book I've mentioned. Everyone just fucking cares about themselves, so when you want someone to do something or convince someone, frame it in terms of them getting something that they want. Just saying "I just wanna be friends everyone XD haha I'm a fag and also a furry" won't work at all. Like, gimme a reason to be friends? Give me a trait in you that I would find valuable, or an interesting trait that makes it fun to hang out with you or something? I dunno. Like, honestly, even if there wasn't something going on between C and him, I wouldn't be friends with him. It's like interacting with a fucking high schooler, who is also a pussy and furry. Like, the dude has said nothing really clever or witty, his stories suck, and like I'm pretty sure he doesn't really have friends??? Other than me and C's friend group? Because if he did he would fucking hang out with them once in a while, holy fucking shit like every weekend I see him at least once. It's like, enough already. I don't want to be friends with you. You're small, weak, uninteresting, you live with your parents and also you're shit at video games. Firm pass on that one. I dunno. I'm just venting... You know, maybe a therapist might actually be good for me. I feel like I need to talk to a neutral 3rd party that knows what they're talking about. I'll look into it. Cuz I dunno. I feel like I should tell C my feelings about this, but I'm pretty sure they'd just be shrugged off. What would I even say, at this point? What would I do? What would happen? I'm expecting them to just be like "and that's okay, do what you want man" and then just kind of walk away like they always do when I try to open up. Like it's talking to a fucking brick wall, and I hate it. I know they've had all this time into come to terms with the end of our relationship while I've been struggling with whether or not I should end it, but still... shits...screwed up, man. I'm fucked up in the head. Of course, during the day I can keep it together pretty easily. Therapy might be good, but maybe I should talk to someone else close about this? Anyway. Last night I went to Oakland to hang out with my sister, who is visiting her local friend for spring break. It was actually a really good time. We got this good vegetarian pizza, we went to see the sunset over Berkeley, had some fruity drinks at a tiki bar, and shared this huge ice cream sundae. It was actually a really good time, and like I felt for a time that everything was gonna be okay, and I was almost, pretty much, like, happy? It made me forget about all that shit for a while. I was talking to my sister about my p90x stuff, and she was talking to me about being careful, how that stuff can be addicting and how I should be careful about eating disorders and stuff and that I should take it easy occasionally. I can understand where she's coming from, as she's struggled with disorders like that. We also talked about maybe travelling around Europe in may or June. That could be cool I think. Life goes on. Maybe things will be better once I move out. I should stop torturing myself. My greatest enemy is myself, I think. Besides, getting anxious because C faps daily? It's kind of a stupid reason to get upset.