#maybe they can renew their vows so that rich can be there and they can all sing then

[my-secret-shame-but-fanfiction]

Let's Get Out Of Here

Jake Lockley x GN!Reader • Rating: M •Masterlist• ao3• want to be tagged? | requestinfo• MK Bingo 2024 Masterlist• ko-fi •

Summary: You've met your Dad's best friend before.

🌛For @moonknight-events MK Bingo Spring 2024 Event🌜

A/N: This one was so difficult.

Warnings: Implied sexy times, Reader has a sort of family backstory, Reader's Dad had Reader very young, Reader has a good relationship with their Dad, Jake being a flirt, swearing, overuse of italics, typos, not beta read, railroad sentences, please let me know if I've missed a warning!

Word Count: 776

“And this is Jake.” 

Your smile freezes on your face as your Dad gestures to his aforementioned best friend. If it wasn’t for the grounding warmth of his hand on your arm you were sure you would have had an out of body experience. 

Him. 

Oh fuck.

How could it be him?

“Nice to finally meet you Jake.” You nod and shake his hand when he holds his out to you.

“Likewise.” His own smile is polite, tailored to a mask of neutrality that you can see through. He’s shitting himself just as much as you are. 

Your Dad laughs, thankfully oblivious to the sudden tension in air. “I’m glad you two could finally meet.” 

If it wasn’t for social norms you’d turn on your heels and just march right out of there. Maybe you could hide somewhere in the crowd. 

Your Father and Step-Mother were renewing their vows, and were throwing an ‘engagement’ party of sorts. 

They’d long ago moved out of the town you’d grown up in, as had you and sadly your new home was further away from them than you’d have liked. So you didn’t get to see them in person as much as you wanted to. 

Jake had met your Dad about four years ago, the two becoming fast friends. From what your Dad had told you Jake travelled a lot, but when they did meet up they always got on like a house on fire. He was, as well, a little camera shy. Covering his face or ducking out of the way in group photos, so the most you’d ever seen of him was the arm of his leather jacket, a blurred cap, or the scruff of curls poking just into frame. 

It had become a running joke that this ‘Jake’ was either imaginary, or a spy.

Your Dad had had you young, an accident that he always called ‘his greatest achievement’. Despite his youth and the barely sixteen years between you, he had been and was a wonderful father. 

Someone calls your Dad’s name and he excuses himself quickly, darting off before you even have a chance to protest. 

You look after him forlornly, your shoulders slumping. 

Maybe running away wasn’t such a break of social norms. 

“Hi.” Jake says softly, having taken a step closer. 

You turn back to him. He’s shoved his hands in his pocket, looking down before giving you an uncertain smile.

You return the gesture. 

“I’m so sorry-” You blurt out.

“I didn’t know you-” He starts at the same time.

You both laugh. 

“What are the odds?” He says with a shrug. 

“Well, I guess a fondness for you runs in the family?” 

Jake pulls a face and you laugh. 

“Don’t say that.” He grins. 

You try and fail to hide your smile. “Sorry.” 

He shakes his head. “Maybe… if I’d told you my name?” 

“Well,” you shift your weight, relaxing a little. “I didn’t tell you mine either.”

“We were a little preoccupied.” 

“Hmm.” You nod and close your eyes for a second to let the wave of embarrassment pass. “The first time yeah… but I think by the sixth we probably should have.” 

He laughs again. It’s a musical sound, deep and rich. Calming in its certainty. “What did you save my number as?” 

Heat burns a little under your skin. “Pretty guy.” 

“Pretty guy?” His eyebrows raise, but not in upset, just surprise. 

“Yeah, well,” you pull a face. “You’re pretty and a guy, so…”

He puffs his chest out a little, leaning a fraction closer. “You think I’m pretty.” He teases. 

You give him a sincere look. “I think you’re beautiful.” 

The honesty gives him pause for just a beat before he quickly recovers. “Says you.” 

“Says me?” 

“Yeah, says you. You’re stunning.” He lightly touches your forearm, his fingertips just ghosting over your skin.

You swallow, trying not to get lost in his eyes. “Shut up. What do you have me saved as then?” 

He grins, not breaking eye contact for a moment before he pulls out his phone and shows you your contact information. There’s a single red heart emoji listed as your name. 

“I didn’t take you as a romantic.” You tease.

He chuckles, leaning close and whispering in your ear. “Haven’t been treating you right then, have I?” He softly brushes the tip of his nose along your ear and you shiver. “Let me show you just how romantic I can be?” 

He leans back just enough for you to see his expression, the question in his dark eyes as he nods his head towards the venue doors. 

You grin. “Let’s get out of here.” 

____________________________________________

Thank you for reading!

@pleasurebuttonwrites @raven-rk @campingwiththecharmings @alexxavicry @whatthefishh @romanarose @strangerhands @saturn-rings-writes @lonelyisamyw-0love @queerponcho @steven-grants-world  @eyelessfaces @angel-of-the-moons @minigirl87 @lunar-ghoulie @silvernight-m @autismsupermusicalassassin @apesarecuul @reallyrallyauthor @basicalyrandom @alwaysmicado @mangoslushcrush @marc-spectorr @soft-girl-musings  @spxctorsslxt @novarosewood

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[valoeaera]

Truly, Madly, Deeply - Alexandria Bellefleur

Hook/Gimmick: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ Pacing: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ Leads: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ Side Characters: ⭐⭐⭐⭐ Spice: 🌶️🌶️🌶️🌶️🌶️

Overall: S Tier

Another one for the S tier. I ate this book up (I spent about 4 total hours reading it in one sitting). The beginning was definitely hard for me to read for more personal reasons, but I was able to power through and thoroughly enjoy this absolute banger (probably my favorite book I’ve read this year).

The book’s main hook is the enemies-to-lovers trope between the romance author main character, Truly, and the divorce family lawyer Colin. We only inhabit Truly’s POV for most of the book save the epilogue. Their banter and interactions through the first half of the book, when their enemies-to-lovers arc is in full-swing, are adorable, even if they hit a little too close to home for Truly at some points. These characters read well together and have obvious chemistry. Colin’s sister must only not realize they have a mutual crush due to the alcohol she has at the dinner the three share early in the book.

So much happens in this book despite it being I think pretty short compared to other romance novels on my shelf. There’s time for an enemies-to-lovers arc, a parent trap plot, scuffles with rich, uptight family members, and so many spicy scenes that had me struggling to stay composed while reading. It fits it all in and gives each plot its own time, I think. Though, I can easily see a complaint being that the fast pacing distracts from the story. I think the book takes place over only 3-ish weeks, which definitely feels a little strange during the epilogue, before it’s revealed that the wedding is actually a vow renewal for Truly’s parents.

As I mentioned earlier, I love the chemistry between the leads. Colin especially is so hot, bantering with Truly in a way that reminds me of my partner in all the right ways. Their classic romance novel fight at about 70% of the way into the book didn’t even make me feel bad because I could see how both characters got to the point that they did based on their emotional arcs throughout the middle of the novel. Colin’s desire to please and Truly’s desire to prove herself each make sense for the characters’ backstories and resolve well in the ending, gelling the leads together.

The one issue I had with the book comes from the parent trap plotline. Truly’s parents are separating during the novel and makes Truly super upset. She’s viewed her parents’ marriage on a pedestal of what the perfect relationship looks like and she’s hurt that it turns out to not be perfect. Colin gets involved as he jokingly suggests Truly should get her parents together by having them spend time together. She takes him seriously and seriously upsets her parents when they find out they were tricked. Colin, the family lawyer, tries to tell Truly that maybe her parents separating will make their love stronger after being apart. Maybe it’s because my parents separated so long ago, but I was frustrated that Truly, a woman in her late-20s couldn’t comprehend that her parents hid their relationship struggles from her. She acts in a way that really drew me out of the fiction during these parts, however, I don’t feel like a little (in my opinion) overreaction hurts the narrative.

Lastly, the spice. There’s a good lot of it in this book. 4-5 scenes depending on how you count. It’s amazing reading these two bisexual characters tease and taunt each other sexually, with a tantalizing push-and-pull in terms of who’s in charge throughout each scene. Colin really puts his whole ass into pleasing Truly and- my heart- it’s so good. Their first time together, she doesn’t even touch him, he gets off simply by pleasing her and taking his pleasure from the things he’s able to do to her and I love it so much. And I can’t stress enough that all of the scenes are this good and the characters have so much sexual chemistry. Somehow Bellefleur has bested her already-great smut writing from her breakout trilogy.

“‘You gonna use me baby? What am I, a toy to you?’…‘Maybe you are.’ She slapped at his hands. ‘And I thought I told you to shut up?’ He chuckled under his breath, hands returning to her hips, helping drag her forward. ‘Make me.’”

Anyway, great romance and better smut, the best book I’ve read this year.

[voraciouskingdom]

Prioritizing your well-being and nurturing yourself.

"The sacred well of nourishment."

In the hustle of daily life, it's easy to neglect the sacred well of your own nourishment. You pour from an empty cup, spreading yourself thin until burnout becomes your constant companion. But the path of radical self-love demands a different way of being, one where self-care is not a luxury but a sacred act of reverence.

Imagine yourself as a magnificent tree, your roots plunging deep into the rich soil of your soul's essence. Without tending to those roots, without replenishing the well that sustains you, your branches would wither and your vibrant leaves would fall. Self-care is the water that nourishes your roots, the fertile compost that allows you to blossom into your fullest expression.

The old paradigms would have you believe that self-care is selfish, that putting yourself first is an act of greed. But we know better, for in truly nourishing ourselves, we become more capable of nourishing the world around us. An empty vessel cannot quench another's thirst, but a wellspring overflowing has enough to share with all.

So come, beloved one, and drink deeply from the sacred well within you. Give yourself permission to savor the simple pleasures that ignite your senses – the feeling of sun-warmed earth beneath your bare feet, the scent of wild roses carried on the breeze, the melody of birdsong at dawn. These are the elixirs that replenish your spirit and remind you of the magic that courses through your veins.

Invoke the spirit guides who tend the gardens of self-love, their gentle hands guiding you towards the practices that will nourish you most. Perhaps it is the ritual of a long, indulgent bath by candlelight, allowing the warm waters to wash away the weariness of the day. Or maybe it is losing yourself in the alchemy of preparing a nourishing meal, each ingredient a love note to your body's temple.

Call upon the ancestors who walked this earth before you, those who understood the sacred cycles of rest and renewal. Let their wisdom be your compass as you navigate the modern world's incessant demands. For they knew that true power arises not from depletion but from a well-tended reservoir of radical self-care.

Affirmation: "I am a sacred vessel, deserving of deep nourishment. In refilling my well, I become a regenerative source of love and compassion for the world."

Ritual: Prepare a ritual bath or spend time beside a natural body of water. As you immerse yourself, visualize any stresses, worries, or depleting energies being released into the water to be cleansed and transmuted. Next, imagine drawing in nourishing energies with each breath – the vitality of the earth, the radiance of the sun, the soothing flow of the waters. When you emerge, carry that sense of being replenished out into the world with you.

Within this sacred act, you honor the divinity that dwells within your very cells. You are more than just a physical vessel; you are a holy chalice containing the elixir of life itself. By prioritizing your own nourishment, you begin to overflow with the essence that allows you to thrive and share your gifts more fully.

The path of radical self-love is not one of depletion but of sacred reciprocity. In refilling your well, you become a regenerative source from which others can drink deeply. You are not a martyr sacrificing yourself upon the altar of productivity, but a creator tending the sacred flames of your own becoming.

So go forth, beloved one, and make self-care your sacred vow. For in nourishing yourself, you nourish all of life. You are the wellspring from which healing waters flow, and the world is parched, yearning for the revitalizing streams that can only pour forth from your overflowing cup.

🔥❤️‍🔥

[tri-poke]

"Affernoon," The Green-God Priest says. "You a fellower-?"

The Barman cuts the priest off with the reminder, "It ain't Vine-day, save your sermons."

"I wasna gonna-" he urps again and decides to renew his vow of silence for a minute or two.

The Barman pulls out a bottle of whiskey fit for his own large physique and pours a decent glass, a friendly sized glass, even, for Zaccariah.

"Oh, there's definitely work if you're looking for it."

The priest says, "The last upstairs boy quit year ago."

The muscles in the Barman's cheek flex strongly enough to prove they could enter a strongman competition all on their own but he just goes on, "I expect the folk in the hiring mood are being told you're here, right about now. They'll be in any moment, with good ol' Mundo - that's Mundo Suver, owner of Suver ranch, leading the way."

As if on cue, there's a snarl, hoot, and howl from outside as Rexes size each other up and then the normal practical silence of Rexes remembering they ain't wild and there is plenty of water and vittles to go around so they get to the peacemaking afore it even occurs to the humans.

"Yessir," the Barman says happily. "Good ol' Mundo is-" He stops dead as the door to the saloon swings open.

A sallow faced man, as whiplike thin as if he's a longneck's tail cracked to life, stomps in, his silver spurs clinking as he beelines toward the bar, his rich black leather duster billowing behind him reminiscent of a noble-man's cape in a Romance book.

The barman scowls but doesn't actually say anything. Just letting his cheek muscles bounce like the trampoline under a circus acrobat aiming for the top of the tent.

The sallow faced man slides onto the stool next to Zaccariah.

"Hey," the Green-God Priest objects. "Thas our seats."

The sallow faced man sucks in his cheeks so he looks positively skeletal and slams a full gold coin on the bar. He rasps, "Think the Father is running dry, friend. Makes him think he knows things. Better drown that mistake afore he gets in trouble again." The whole time though, he's just sizing Zaccariah up, as if he couldn't actually care less about the Priest or the Barman. He twitches his thin gray mustache. "You look like you can shoot straight when you're not drunk. Maybe do a decent night's work when you are. We got need of someone like that if your interested in working for the future. Which I assume you are, if you're in this piss-hole. Not a lot of draw for anyone with prospects to come out here on their lonesome."

[indelibleevidence]

In my headcanon, Kurt was 100 times more into the wedding planning than Jane.

Jane wouldn’t have cared if they did the bare minimum and spent virtually no money, just as long as they got to get married. Whereas it was Kurt obsessing over hiring a videographer, the catering, the flowers, the cake, the venue... because it had to be a perfect day for his perfect Jane. <3

And in the end, it was all worth it, because it was their most perfect day ever.

[effymaybe]

hello, author! deathbyjenlisa on wattpad has this prompt: future post-disbandment au where they live in a tiny little apartment in the middle of nowhere in Paris together with their cats and dogs, and they own like a flower shop or something. and finally, FINALLY doing a vlive together where they announce their relationship to the world. (may we have this piece from u? u r one of the best rpf writers i know. thank u in advance!)

deathbyjenlisa on wattpad I love you and I’m SO SORRY IT TOOK ME SO LONG I KNOW SUCK also here it goes!

Warnings: Fluffy fluffity fluff

Jennie closes her eyes as the faint afternoon sun caresses her glowing skin throughout the window.

She breathes slowly, content. Inside the just-conveniently-sized apartment, the atmosphere is still nice and warm despite the first bites of winter cooling down the air of the city.

The brunette is enjoying of a pleasant break after a few hours of frankly successful designing, and her previous artistic buzz has left place to a nice, tickly feeling still twitching in the pad of her fingers.

She sighs just as a fluffy warmth gazes against her legs earnestly.

“Hello, Lily. Miss mommy already?”

The cat looks up at her almost as if in agreement. Jennie leans down to pet her behind her ears, just as she likes it the most.

“I miss her, too. Maybe Jisoo is right. We might be a little bit needy”.

Lily keeps purring under Jennie’s soft hand, clearly happy with the attention she is given. The brunette smiles to herself. She figures that the kitten would actually hesitate if she had to choose between her two moms.

Thankfully, she doesn’t have to.

“Okay, baby. Let’s get you an afternoon treat, yeah? Don’t tell the others”.

Lily’s silent vow of trust is pointless, really. As soon as Jennie shakes the so-secret pack of treats hidden at the very bottom of the kitchen counter, the whole feline family plus an equally excited Kuma enter the room with bright eyes and a grumbling stomach.

The brunette is unfazed. She’s been dealing with this routine for almost three years already, and despite she likes to complain to her girlfriend about her unmeasured need for adopting cats, she wouldn’t change the daily, often overcrowded cuddles for anything in the word.

“There”, she mumbles, filling her pets’ plates with practiced patience, “so that you know that I can be the cool mom, too”.

She stands straight again, glancing at the different furs engaging in their eating. A giddy feeling starts to bloom in her heart suddenly, a sense of happiness mixed with a now unfamiliar pang of uncertainty that weakens her limbs.

They are definitely taking a gigantic step today.

A very much needed, absolutely wanted step.

She runs her fingers through her rich chocolate hair, glancing around with a critical, designer eye as she moves to the living room. It’s small, really, like the rest of the place, but so fantastically decorated –according to a proud Lisa staring at a flattered but shy Jennie- that it often features a big bunch of house décor Instagram accounts.

The brunette puts her hands on her hips.

It’s beautiful. She loves her house. She loves the size, the shape, the colors, the fact that she can have a modest yet quite impressive sight of the Eiffel tower only by opening the French door to the balcony. She loves the city, the accent, the passion. She loves the people, who have taken her and her family wholeheartedly, without questions. She loves her sons and her daughter and she loves, loves, loves her girlfriend with every beat buzzing in her chest.

What she does not love so much right now are those yellowish pillows, that-

“Hello, love”.

An instant smile plasters itself in Jennie’s expression. Steady arms circle her waist tenderly, and plump lips kiss the column of her neck in a tender motion.

“Mmm, hi”.

God, she really behaves like a teenager whenever her girlfriend is around.

“Brought you flowers, baby”, she hears against her ear, and just then she glances down to catch the sight of daisies and red tulips contrasting against each other in a big, gorgeous bouquet.

“Thank you”, she mumbles back, taking the gift with pointed care, “but you are going to empty our shop if you keep taking flowers”.

Lisa chuckles lowly, pure affection dancing in her eyes.

“You know I always order extra just for you”.

The tallest girl lets her girlfriend spin around in her arms. Her expression softens even further at the sight of sharp, stunning features. Lisa’s right hand naturally drifts up to grasp Jennie’s nape in an unconscious attempt to keep her close.

It’s not that Jennie would like to leave, anyway. The shortest girl leans up, gleeful, and her girlfriend meets her in the middle to wrap her up in a soft, welcoming kiss. They spend a few delightful seconds just like that, enjoying each other. It’s unlikely, Jennie thinks sometimes, to adore someone with such strength month after month, year after year. And their love has changed, actually.

It has gotten better. Stronger.

So it’s time to take the next big step.

“I’m ready”, Jennie murmurs against Lisa’s lips, and feels a smile shaping against her own mouth.

“Okay”. The tallest brunette takes a step back to take in her girlfriend’s figure, feeling a soft warmth spreading in her chest. “You look amazing. I love the shirt. It’s a pity they’ll only get to see a half of you”.

Jennie chuckles a breathless thank you, pulling fully away from her lover to look for a standee where to place her phone. In the meantime, Lisa takes her time to greet the rest of her wide family, already full and half-asleep on their respective beds. When she comes back to the living room, her girlfriend is already sitting cross-legged on the wide, greyish couch, figuring out the best angle to gather the afternoon light. On top of the coffee table lies the bouquet she got from the small flower shop they decided to put up mainly as a hobby after their successful careers as Blackpink members.

Lisa can’t help the grin that stretches across her face.

She’s just so, so happy.

“Baby”, she murmurs, moving slowly to sit beside the brunette.

Jennie looks at her and tilts her head in a sign of attention.

“I love you so much”.

Lisa’s unprompted sincerity is rewarded with a gummy smile and a soft peck.

“I love you, too, beautiful”.

A message travels across their joined gazes. A renewed vow of loyalty, love, and support. It’s their way to letting each other know that they are ready, no stepping back. The time and their own effort have prompted the building of a bond that lasts beyond obstacles, beyond fear.

When Jennie presses the screen to start the live, they are both leaning comfortably against each other.

“Hi”, the shortest brunette mumbles after a few seconds. Against her skin, the soft vibration of Lisa’s muffled laughter makes her blush in a rush of shy joy. “This is Jennie”.

The tallest girl grins at her girlfriend’s soft tone. “And Lisa”, she adds cheerfully. “We are here… to talk…”

Jennie’s right hand moves unconsciously to caress her lover’s arm up and down, just as she does each time a bitter hint of anxiety threatens to deprive her from fresh air. In exchange, as a caring reflex, Lisa embraces her narrow shoulders with her arm, keeping the brunette’s body flushed against her own.

“…to talk about us… We’ve seen some theories on the internet since… well, even before Blackpink stopped making… official music”, Jennie adds, eyeing the rising number of viewers at the corner of the screen.

It’s amazing. It’s been years already, and their fans are as many and as supportive as they were before.

“By the way, we might have a surprise coming soon!”, Lisa intervenes, and watches with silent amusement as her girlfriend crunches her nose just slightly besides her.

“Lili, no spoilers!”, Jennie complains only half-heartedly, melting inwards as the tallest brunette pouts just slightly.

“Mmh, sorry, babe”, she hears against her ear then, and all her fake annoyance disappears as soon as it started.

She turns around, keeping up with her admonishing from just to see her girlfriend pouting deeper, and her wish is immediately granted. They look at each other for a moment, their expressions turning into soft, dizzy smiles dripping pure adoration, and it takes both of them a moment to realize that there are about a million people watching them interact at the moment.

“So, huh, us!”, Jennie states, turning towards the camera once again. “Us… so… where do we even start”, she giggles, somehow lost. There is so much to tell. So many tears, so many victories.

“Well… to answer the basics… yes, we are girlfriends”, Lisa speaks then, loud and clear, smiling brightly, almost as if illuminated by her own love.

Jennie feels a burst of pride striking against her heart. She knows that her lover is being so, so brave.

“Girlfriends”, the shortest brunette affirms, and her sharp stare meets Lisa’s open doe eyes. “As in dating, hand-holding, kissing girlfriends, not the best-friends-forever type”.

The tallest girl chuckles brightly, both because rambling Jennie is funny and adorable and also because the tension of the moment makes her chest feel tickly.

Well, it’s there now.

The world knows that Jennie is her girlfriend.

The sudden, pleasing thought of their truth being outwardly spoken makes her feel lighter, elevated as she stares at Jennie with an expression that even herself knows that screams whipped.

It doesn’t matter, really, because her lover’s eyes distillates a feeling of the same fashion.

They tear their gazes apart from each other only when the enrapturing sensation starts to die down in a soft giddiness. They glance at the appearing messages almost with fear, but sunned smiles bright up their features when they read –mostly- comments both congratulating them and asking a billion questions about their relationship.

“’Oh my god this is so shocking… who would say that two rich, adult women choosing to live together raising each other’s’ pets would be dating!’. Well, thanks for the sarcasm, Lisa’shoe… also, careful with that username”, Jennie murmurs. She rolls her eyes in feign annoyance, but her dopey grin stays in place. At her side, still embracing her shoulders in a protective side-hug, Lisa chuckles again, so visibly content, shining, that the shortest girl has to make an effort not to stare at her throughout the mirrored screen.

“Oh, ‘when did you start dating?’ I don’t think we can say exactly when, but...” Jennie begins, her eyes falling on her girlfriend as if searching for help.

“Some years after all the… shipping started, actually. It took us some time…”

“It took you some time if I remember correctly...”, Jennie plays, her sharp expression both softening and growing more electric.

Lisa smiles, all teeth and happiness, and gives in the need of squeezing her girlfriend against her just a little bit tighter.

“But I’ve always liked you! You know it!”, she complains, a slight whine tangling in her voice.

“Of course! I’m amazing!”, Jennie bites back, brushing her long hair past her shoulders in a mocking gesture.

“You are”, Lisa murmurs, staring deep into chocolate without a care in the world, and the sincerity in her words makes Jennie’s pulse speed up crazily.

She leans in for a soft, quick peck, unable to stop herself, and is greeted by such an elated expression when she pulls away that she has to kiss her girlfriend once more, just to steady her soaring heart.

She’s so, so ridiculously in love.

“Charmer”, she mumbles, blushing deeply, and turns around to read another thousands of totally-freaking-out-because-of-their-cuteness messages. “Thank you guys. Really. This truly means a lot for us... The girls know, of course”, she chuckles, “They knew before us, probably. Yes, we are working on something. Nope, no spoilers!”, she winks.

Lisa reads the comments as well, absent-mindedly tangling her long fingers in her girlfriend’s soft chocolate locks, perfectly warm in the familiarity of their home.

“Yes, we are still in Paris. We love it here. The flower business is going well”, she grins, “Yes, I am the best girlfriend ever, right, babe?”

Jennie raises a single eyebrow, but gives in anyways.

“Maybe. You are the only one I’ve ever had”, she teases, gifting her girlfriend a slight shrug.

“And the only you will have!”, Lisa answers back, a playful growl playing with her deep voice in a way that makes Jennie’s stomach tingle in a quite particular way.

“Likewise, Manoban. Ah, yes, our parents know. Lisa’s parents were supportive since day one. My mom… well, it took her some time. Now she calls her whenever she needs anything. Can you believe it?”

They continue the late afternoon like that, leaning against the comfort of each other, answering some of the million questions people over the world have about their relationship.

They knew it will be like that. The sheer support, however, left them truly stunned. They were told so many times that what they were doing was wrong, immoral, dangerous, that the almost absolute acceptance of the people that surrounds them hit them like a soft, fluffy pillow in a dizzy night.

When Jennie finally turns off the live –promising to make another one soon, and yes, to give away more details, and maybe to talk about the possibility of a wedding-, the hint of the pale moonlight is already creeping past their open windows.

Jennie and Lisa stare at each other with twinning grins playing in their lips.

“So, we just did that”, the brunette mumbles.

The apartment is almost silent. Their pets are still sleeping. Only the faint sound of the never-asleep city tangles with the mute electricity of the aftermath of their bravery.

Lisa’s bright eyes darken suddenly, urged by a rush of passionate love.

“We did that. And it went really, really well”.

Jennie smiles openly, her gums nicely on display. The tallest girl feels her heart growing three sizes against her chest. Her hands lock on her girlfriend’s waist, tugging, begging her to find a way to be even closer to her body, downing in affection.

The shortest girl does not disappoint. She moves to sit down on her lap.

“Baby, we did it”, she murmurs again, in a happy awe.

Lisa starts to giggle, and the soft sounds are mirrored by her lover.

“You were incredible”, she mumbles, then, locking her stare with her girlfriend’s once again. A strong feeling, an unspoken declaration moves through them, sparkling. With the corner of her eyes, unfocused as she favors the marvelous sight of her girlfriend’s face, Lisa can see the lights of their phones going off –probably some messages from their friends and family- but the girls stay put in their delightful bubble, nevertheless.

“So did you, love. Can you believe it?”, Jennie begins, letting her feelings pour out, both soft and heavy in her words, “Now they know that you are mine and I’m yours.”

Lisa swoons.

That’s something they’ve talked about. The need to be with each other freely, to shout out their hidden love at the top of their lungs, proud, shattering.

Lisa leans up for a deep, toe-curling kiss. When Jennie pulls out to draw in a happy breath, the tallest girl turns both their phones off.

The rest of their lives can wait. Right then, however, Jennie and Lisa are set to celebrate their thorough love in the way they like it the most.

[multimetaverse]

Riverdale 5x03 Recap

Jellybean was born and raised in Riverdale though?? She only moved to Ohio after her mom left FP

Good on FP for doing what’s best for his daughter but probably should have told Alice beforehand that you’re skipping town

We’re ending this era of Riverdale as it began with Tom Keller as Sheriff. Hope he has a scene with his son tonight!

Jughead saying those kids almost looked innocent asleep was pretty messed up of him. 1) those are clearly homeless kids having to sleep in a fucking gym and 2) as bad as the voyeur vids were they still pale in comparison to the crimes that high school kids have been involved in over the years

Oooh man that Luke Perry is just brutal

It’s crazy to think of how far the show has come since that first scene of Cheryl and Jason Blossom in all white heading down to the river

Alice might be the most tragic living character on Riverdale, her life has just been wrecked over and over and over

It’s awful how realistic the army recruitment booth inside the school is. The Saved by the Bell reboot had a great joke about military recruitment of teens (it’s a much better show than Riverdale and I highly recommend it and it’s already been renewed for S2)

It’s nice that they brought Weatherbee back for the final high school eps

LOL at the Red Circle shade

The yearbook as a device to look back at some of the show’s history is clever. Also reveals how clearly chapter 79 which was supposed to be the S4 finale was also being written as a possible series finale

It’s very odd that Archie’s poor grades of all things are what the writers just to be realistic about. Nice of Weatherbee to let Archie walk with his friends though

Ladies and Gentlemen that could possibly be the last Varchie sex scene we ever see

Considering the US only abolished conscription after the Vietnam war, I don’t think those 4 students back in 1945 had much of a choice in joining the army. Although they lucked out with the timing since the war with Japan would end within months while they were still in basic training

Not Archie lying to both Jughead and Veronica about his post high school plans

FP telling Jughead he’s old enough to be on his own is rich considering Jughead was basically homeless and on his own in S1

Good on Cheryl for getting her red robe

Finally Tom Keller gets a scene with his son!

Omfg I can’t handle this Archie cover of Green Day

Yaas Penelope lurking in the bushes. I’m gonna miss that Queen, hope she gets out of jail soon enough

RIP Falice. It will never cease to amaze me that right when the obstacles that should have stopped Bughead such as their parents being in a relationship and their shared half-brother are swept away that Bughead is being broken up

Well good bye for now and maybe forever FP Jones. You were the best of the surviving fathers which is admittedly a hell of a low bar

Pop’s is rightfully restored to Pop Tate

Kevin mentioning Josie and the Pussycats threw me

I guess from now on we’ll always see Jughead without that stupid hat, that’s weird

These grad scenes have been surprisingly poignant but they fall flat when they include the wider group. How many lines have Kevin, Fangs, Reggie, and Sweetpea even had lately? Has Kevin done anything of note since Hedwig? We’re a long way from when he was Betty’s best friend. And what has Reggie been up to? I noticed his dad wasn’t at grad, is that because he’s dead? Is there ever gonna be a follow up on Reggie smashing his dad’s car?

Don’t have a great feeling about this vow

Archie sure knows how to kill the mood. The worst thing about Archie’s speech is its accuracy. The US military really does offer a path to a middle class existence especially for kids with no other options. The life outcomes for people without high school degrees are grim and Archie really is grasping the last, best way to try and turn around his life

This Choni breakup is so sad 

The CW is wildin out letting Betty take off her bra for sex. What a bizarre transition from tearful confession to sex. Perhaps the last Bughead sex scene we’ll ever see

Just realized that Vegas will very likely be dead by the time we pick back up in 7 years

These scenes would have more impact if the show had focused on the Archie/Jughead and Veronica/Betty friendship

Wow bringing the old car out for one last drive

These flashbacks are sad, especially the Luke Perry one

God I hope Nana Rose survives the 7 year gap

Jesus Christ, so Jughead had a home he could have stayed in but decided to squat at Archie’s instead??

Poor Jughead being the only one to keep the vow

Well this really is the end of an era. Riverdale will never be the same after this episode. From the promos we know that Veronica is married to a controlling wall street douche, Archie is wounded overseas, Betty is an FBI agent, and Jughead a writer. The crisis that brings them all back is Hiram dissolving the town of Riverdale for his nefarious ends

Veronica marrying a man who shares some traits with Hiram is not surprising though the fact that she’s married is interesting, both in that there’s no way that marriage will last and in how her husband is jealous of her past with Archie, it’s an easy way to start heading towards Varchie again if the writers choose. There’s no way that Betty would be get in to the FBI with a serial killer father and half brother but we’ll see what new killer the writers can come up with. It looks like Jughead is a tortured artist. I appreciate the costume designers for making Archie’s military uniform so retro that it looks like he’s being shipped off to Korea to stop it going the way of Red China 

Looking back it’s extremely bizarre that they did what they did with Barchie. It really served no purpose since they all would have gone their separate ways anyways

Well looks like Cheryl hasn’t been successful in thwarting Hiram. I would imagine that much of Veronica’s story after the time gap is her wrestling with whether to take on her father and to claim the Lodge legacy for herself once and for all. Archie had always been her guiding light in that regard and we’ll see if can play that role in the future

This 7 year gap brings the characters ages up to 25 which is much closer to the actor’s actual ages which will help in that regard. But time jumps are tricky and 7 years is quite a gap, double the length of time that these first 79 eps have lasted. Sadly, Riverdale was renewed for a 6th season but realistically the bulk of the series has now passed and whatever adventures the gang gets up to as adults will get far less time dedicated to them. Some sort of time jump was probably always necessary if the show lasted as long as it had but I’m skeptical that Riverdale can pull it off. Until next week Riverdalers

[queerchoicesblog]

The Corpse Bride - A Sapphic Rewriting (2/2)

I cannot believe this is the only decent screenshot where both the ladies are present!

Anyway, here is the second and last part of my sapphic rewriting of Tim Burton’s The Corpse Bride: it turned out a bit longer than I first thought but I hope you enjoy it!

If you do, please consider reblogging and/or spreading the word: it’s so hard being a writer on tumblr... 🙏

I also remind you the amazing fanart by @may12324​ (here & here) and the AO3 Sapphic Emily/Victoria fanfics.

Tagging @gay-fandom-menace​ for the last update!

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As days passed, Emily went above and beyond to show her spouse the hidden beauty of the Land of the Dead and she eventually succeeded. Victoria looked less frightened of the residents living in the shadows and even accepted to attend the welcome party in her honour, where she apologised to the general for stealing his saber. It was almost as if she...forgot where she was or no longer cared about the oddity of the place, Emily noticed, looking her laughing at one of Bonejangles' mots d'esprit. She also realised that she enjoyed the time spent with her more than she could have foreseen. Victoria was always shy and almost regal in her poise but there were moments when Emily would say something funny and she would laugh, a hearty gracious laughter, covering her mouth with a hand. Or when she sighted contently petting a purring Miles. One day, returning from a walk up the hill, they found the pub deserted and decided to head inside. Emily produced herself in her best bartender impression that made her spouse giggle, and ventured behind the counter to fix herself a drink while her companion took a seat on a stool. "How many days have passed since I came here? It's so hard to have a perception of time down here..."

Emily turned, taking a sip of red wine. Victoria looked suddenly lost in her own thoughts. "I don't know, sweetheart...a week maybe? Why?" "Oh nothing" Victoria laughed weakly, shaking her head. "I was just wondering where Victor is now. If he's alright" "Who's Victor? Your brother?" the corpse bride asked, excited at the idea of learning more about her family. "Oh no! He's my fiancé...even if it sounds a bit weird calling him so, after meeting him the other day for the first time. I was looking for him in the woods when I stumbled into you" An unknown feeling spread a sudden cold inside Emily. She didn't know why but she felt suddenly less cheerful after that revelation. She heard herself asking Victoria to tell her more about him and that's how she learnt he was from a fish merchants family, the Van Dort - or the nouveaux riches as the Everglot called them with evident displeasure for their non-aristocratic roots-; his dark eyes and shy manners, his endearing clumsiness. He was also a formidable pianist, she added. "I can play the piano too! What music do you like?" Emily exclaimed, without thinking and taking Victoria's hands in hers. She guided her towards the instrument on the opposite side of the room and they both take a seat on the old dusty bench. Victoria giggled and threw her a curious look. "Something dreamy and nostalgic?" Emily asked, starting to play a solemn tune that caught her spouse's attention. Then, after a while and with a sudden yet gracious key change, she added, flashing a conspiratorial smile. "...or maybe something a bit more lively and cheerful?" When she started singing a popular ballad, Victoria gaped in surprise. Now she truly understood why her undead bride's fame was renewed for miles when she was alive: not only her features still bore traces of a rare beauty that surely won the hearts of hundreds suitors but also she had the voice of an angel. Her fingertips ran over the keyboard with confidence while her voice enchanted her with its supreme harmony. An angel of music, Victoria thought, contemplating her. Out of the blue, just before the grand finale, Emily's skeleton hand parted from the rest of her body and performed a joyous trill on the keyboard before running up Victoria's arm and shoulder. She was used to it going its own way from time to time but it kind of embarrassed her that it happened in front of her spouse. She giggled nervously. "Pardon my enthusiasm" To her great surprise, the Everglot girl wasn't horrified by what happened. She gave the hand an amused look and took her in her own. Then, she turned towards Emily and helped her placing it back at the end of her arm. The bride was about to mutter a thank you when she spoke. "I like your enthusiasm" When Emily met her gaze there was a new shade of red on the girl's cheeks and a bashful smile on her lips. The cold feeling that troubled her immediately vanished, replaced by a warmth that she hadn't felt since joining the Land of the Dead. Maybe in her whole life. Too soon Victoria diverted her dark eyes. "Why don't we play a duet?" Emily suggested. If possible, Miss Everglot blushed even more. "I don't play the piano" "Oh" Emily was genuinely surprised. "I'm sorry, I just thought-" "No, it's fine! It's just..." Victoria took a deep sigh. "Mother says music is improper for a young lady. Too passionate...so she never let me lay a finger on our piano" "Am I being...improper? My most sincere apologies, your ladyship" Victoria turned to see Emily offering a teasing smile. The grim mood caused by the mention of Mother instantly melted away and she found herself laughing. "Oh no, you played splendidly! It was truly lovely, Emily" Victoria said, serious again. "It's just Mother, she...well, I suppose you can say she never approves of anything" Emily nodded understandingly. A shadow crossed her face. "Do you think she would have approved of me? The two girls shared a long grim look, leaving the answer they both knew in their heart lingering in the air, unspoken. "You're lucky you'll never have to meet her" Victoria sighed, losing herself in her own thoughts and memories again. "The day I...found you and disappeared she came finding me before the rehearsals of the wedding. She only wanted to check if my corset was laced properly. And she made fun of my being a little nervous. She told me that it was nonsense because marriage is just a partnership, a little tit-for-tat" After a moment, she continued. "Since I was a child I've dreamt of my wedding day. I always hoped to find someone I was deeply in love with. Someone to spend the rest of my life with. Silly, isn't it?" The smile on her lips was so pained that Emily felt the irresistible urge to place a hand over hers. The sudden gesture surprised Victoria who blinked her bid dark eyes. "I am just the same" the bride whispered, softly. "And I can teach you how to play the piano, if you like? So that we can play duets, what do you say?" Victoria considered for a moment then the doleful look in her eyes left room to a tiny little sparkle and she nodded enthusiastically, like a little girl. Content, Emily scooted closer so that shoulders brushed against each other and gently placed her hands over hers. Now she felt it too, the sparkle that brightened Victoria's face. "Loosen up yours shoulder and press whatever button you like. That's it! Now another, and that black one too...see how they combine together?" The impromptu lesson kept going until someone cleared his throat. Emily turned to see an ancient skeleton standing on the threshold soon followed by Miles. "Elder Gutknecht, what a lovely surprise! And welcome back, Miles: enjoyed your galavanting?" She stood and guided Victoria towards the newcomer. "Dear Elder, have you met my wife?" the bride asked with cheerful pride. "This is Victoria of the Land of the Living. Victoria, this is Elder Gutknecht, the most ancient spirit in our midst and resident Sage: ask him anything, he knows it!" Victoria gave the skeleton a gracious curtsy. "Enchanted, Elder Gutknecht" "Ah, so this is the lucky one, huh, Emily?" the old Sage inquired, jostling a heavy-looking tome in his arms. "Delighted to make your acquaintance Miss-" "Victoria, Victoria Everglot" "Miss Victoria Everglot!" he flashed an unreadable smile before addressing the corpse bride. "I was wondering if I could have a word with you, Emily" "Sure, speak away" "In private, actually...if you don't mind" Emily looked a bit surprised but obliged. She placed one hand on her spouse's shoulder before taking her leave. "Keep familiarising yourself with the instrument, my darling. I'll be back before you know it. And Miles, be a good boy: do not jump on the keyboard!" That being said, after one last quick smile to both, she followed the Elder down in the cellar. She couldn't possibly understand what he wanted to discuss with her but she knew you never question a Sage. So she stood there, patiently waiting for he to talk. When they were alone, she perceived a sense of unease in the air. When he finally resolved himself to speak, Elder Gutknecht's face looked troubled. "I am afraid I am a messenger of grim news, my dear girl" "What grim news? I don't understand, Elder" Emily exclaimed, lost and a little anxious. The old skeleton took a deep sigh and continued. It seemed as if words costed him a great effort. "According to the vows you shared, your union is valid..." he briefly consulted the ancient tome in his hands. "'until death do you apart', isn't it?" "Yes, so what, Elder?" He closed the book and gave her a sad look. "Death has already parted you, dear Emily" It took a moment to the bride to process the meaning of his words: her mind resisted, refused to acknowledge it. She heard the words he said after while her heart ached in her chest: she was dead, Miss Everglot was living. The only way to make this marriage valid was asking Victoria to drink the "Wine of Ages", a poisoned goblet, so that she could join her in death. "No...no...there must be other ways!" Emily exclaimed, begged, walking frantically up and down. When the Elder grimly confirmed that no, sadly there was no other way, she stopped and gave him a long heartbroken look. "I could never ask her that...to give up her life for me. I...would never ask her that" she whispered, her voice cracking. Tears welled her eyes as she felt like she had lost Victoria for good. She turned and gave the Elder her shoulders, covering her face in a desperate attempt to protect her sorrow from his eyes. She had lost her love once again. "I'm sorry, may I interrupt?" She immediately followed the voice: Victoria was standing on the threshold, politely clearing her throat. She threw quick glances at both of them as a gaping Elder gestured to join them. "I'm sorry, I was just passing by and I overheard your conversation..." Emily felt another pang of sadness making her bones ache: what must Victoria think of her now? She must feel so betrayed and outraged... "Victoria, I am so incredibly sorry, please believe me I didn't know anything about this" she said, rushing to her side and placing a trembling hand on her cheek. She felt her knees getting far too weak when the Everglot girl looked at her with her big dark eyes. "But just know that I...I release you from those vows, I would never ask you-" To her surprise, she interrupted her. "I do believe you, Emily" she smiled weakly, taking her skeletal hand into hers. "And I appreciate what you said to the Elder here" The bride gave her a painful smile, caressing her cheek. "It's the least I could do after causing all this trouble, darl-" "But I'll do it" Emily froze. "What?" "I'll do it" Victoria repeated. "I'll drink the Wine of Ages and join you in death. I only have one last favour to ask" Her eyes wandered between the Elder and her spouse. "Can I go back...Upstairs before the wedding and the ritual?" The permission was given and she and Emily went back to the woods where they first met. It wasn't night yet but the moon already shone bright in the sky. Emily was mesmerised: she took a few steps and contemplate the big almost full moon for a while. "I've spent so long in the darkness, I'd almost forgotten how beautiful the moonlight is." she said at last, turning towards Victoria. She outstretched her arms and when the girl took her hands into hers, she guided her into a gracious slow dance around the woods. The Everglot girl had never seen someone dancing like her: it came so easy to her, as if every step, every move, every spin wasn't just sheer perfection but a second skin to her. She laughed softly when the bride ended the dance with a curtesy, rising her hand to her lips. "One day you'll have me to share some of your dancing teaching with me" "Anytime, sweetheart" "I'll go say my goodbyes now if you-" "Mais biensure, go ahead! I will wait for you here, in this gorgeous moonlight" Victoria flashed her a quick smile and was about to take her leave when Emily gave her hand a gentle squeeze. "Victoria, just know that if you ever change your mind about the ritual, I...you can always say no, and I will never judge you or...seek vengeance because of that, you understand?" Victoria nodded, her slightly childish way of nodding. "I'll be back before you know it!" And she disappeared into the woods, headed towards the city. Emily's eyes followed her until she lost sight of her and sat on a fallen tree trunk, sighing contently. But there was no quiet time for her: her right eye started itching until it popped out into her lap to reveal...petty Waggot. "I've heard this already!" the creature muttered angrily. "And i know a lie when I hear it!" Emily rolled her left eye and retrieved the other. "Hello to you too, Waggot! I suggest you to calm down and relax: as much as I appreciate your concern, she will be back" "But of course" he signed, sardonic. "Oh hush you! If you have nothing nice to say, keep quiet and let me enjoy the moonlight for once" Waggot certainly knew how to be exasperating and he was certainly wrong, Emily thought. So she waited and waited until the unpleasant feeling of a deja bu started tormenting her from a corner of her mind. What if petty Waggot was right this time? Troubled and with a growing concern gnawing her, she headed towards the edge of the forest, looking for Victoria. She didn't have to search for long but the scene she found made her hide behind a tree. The girl was standing not far away, on the bridge by the river, but...she wasn't alone. She was hugging a boy around her age with dark hair and eyes that Emily immediately recognised as Victor. When the two parted and kept chatting, the bride rested her back against a tree to avoid getting caught. Emily didn't know what to think, what to make of it. The sudden violent pang of jealousy was soon replaced by a sense of emptiness and pain. What a fool she had been to think someone like Victoria could reciprocate her feelings for her...'Little Miss Living' as Waggot called her. How could she compared to Victor who was still breathing and had a beating heart in his chest just like Victoria? If she touched a burning candle, she would feel no pain, just like if you would cut her with a knife. She wouldn't burn nor bleed like them. Yet, even if her heart wasn't pumping blood in her veins, she could distinctly feel it aching and breaking at the sight of that embrace. With an excruciating urge of crying, she took another look from her hiding spot. This time she made out some words of their conversation. "Do you remember everything?" her spouse was saying. "Find Hildegarde, she knows what to do and-" "And meet you at the church, got it" "Excellent! And Victor..." she took his hand into hers. "You have no idea how important this is for me" "But are you sure? I mean, if you-" "I am, Victor. As I've never been before" Then, she looked over her shoulder and spotted Emily in the woods. Emily wanted to hide but the girl smiled and waved at her. To her surprise even the boy did so, looking terrified, his hand shaking. "I must go now but we have a deal, right? See you, Victor!" With one last hug to an astonished Victor, the Everglot girl joined Emily again and wrapped her arm around hers and walked back to the centre of the woods. She couldn't help but notice that the corpse bride was awfully quiet all the way down. The wedding was set for the following night. The announcement spread a contagious wave of excitement among the residents of the Land of the Dead: everyone wanted to contribute to the brides' special day. It had been long since they last attended a joyful event. So Bonejangles, self-elected best man for the ceremony, took the stage to rehearse his speech, the maitre head gave instructions to the imperturbable bartender while tailors ran up and downs the streets offering to fix the brides' dresses and bakers argued over how to bake the most decadent wedding cake. When time came, an overjoyed crowd marched towards the church, Elder Gutknecht walking upfront with the brides in tow. Needless to say, it was enough to make the old arrogant pastor ran away in his nightgown. Once inside, they took their seat, chatting excitedly. Emily threw Victoria a smile and noticed that her spouse looked nervous now, constantly checking over her shoulders. Her hear ached again. Everyone only went quiet when the Elder asked for silence. "Dearly beloved... and departed..." he started, rather proud of his role of officiant when the doors opened again and he rolled his eyes at the late guests. Emily turned, followed by the rest of the crowd, to see a boy and an old lady with tired, glassy eyes standing - and looking around trying and failing to suppress a shudder - at the end of the aisle. The boy was holding a pile of boxes that for a moment hid his face but no mistake: it was Victor. His eyes found the brides and he offered the best smile he could manage in the general surprise. "Sorry for the interruption, we-we are probably a bit late but we...we brought the dress" Emily, who was bracing herself for the last of another betrayal, couldn't believe her hears. She looked back at Victoria lost, confused. The girl only smiled, her jaw finally relaxing. She wasn't nervous because Victor was late to stop the ceremony and 'save her' but because...Victor was late with her dress? "I'm sorry I kept this from you, Emily...I hope you don't mind if I asked Victor and my maid to join us and bring me the wedding dress Ma ordered. They are the closest I have in this world to friends and the dress was already there so I thought..." she blushed imperceptibly, shrugging. "I thought that I'll only marry once, better do it properly, if you don't mind waiting a little longer" "Of course, dear" Emily whispered, touched, taking her hands into hers. As a lively chatting started again, Victoria headed to the adjacent room with the old lady, who pushed Victor out as soon as she grabbed the last box, eliciting a general round of laughter. Emily threw a sympathetic look to Victor, who was adjusting his tie in a desperate attempt to compose himself. He cleared his throat and asked who was the maid of honor. "Best man here, buddy!" Bonejangles waved from the first row. The Van Dort boy smiled quickly at Emily and approached him. He picked a wedding ring out of his pocket and handed it to him. He was about to leave when the skeleton grabbed his arm and pulled him into a half-hug, inviting to assist to the ceremony with all of them. Victoria's friends were their friends too, he said and the crowd murmured in approval. After what seemed like an eternity to Emily's sentimental heart, the doors of the adjacent room opened and the old woman appeared first, headed towards one the bench after an awkward curtsy. Then...she appeared, and it almost seemed to the corpse bride that her heart started beating again. It wasn't possible but the sight in front of her brought her an happiness so vivid she couldn't help but feel...alive again. The dress Mrs Everglot picked was quite simple and a bit old-fashioned, with little to no decors and high collar. It didn't enhance the beauty of her daughter but Emily thought that Victoria's grace needed no enhancement : she was a vision, walking solemnly back to the altar, a shy smile on her lips and a bouquet of violets in her hands. While the ceremony started at last and they began sharing their vows, Emily thought back at all the moments they shared together. The comforting warmth of Victoria's living body against hers when she fell asleep on her shoulders and the dimples on her cheeks when she laughed at a joke. The somber look in her eyes when she told her about her unhappy life with her family and the urgency she felt of holding her in her arms back then. Or their non-duet at the piano, their dance in the moonlight... So when time come and Victoria held and goblet of Wine of Ages and recited "Your cup will never be empty, for I will be your wine" She stopped her before she could bring the poison to her lips. "No" she cut her short. "But Emily..." Now Victoria was the one lost in the plot. Emily placed the goblet back on the altar and gave her a sad smile filled. "I was a girl like you once. Then life was taken from me. I love you, Victoria, and I will never do the same to you. I will never take your life. We only live once and you...deserve to live yours to the fullest" Out of the blue, the church doors slammed open again and a man the Everglot girl recognised as the mysterious man attending the rehearsals of her wedding as if he owned the whole place walked in. He looked straight at her with a charming yet vaguely menacing grin. He profused himself in a speech about how relieved he was to find her at last, she was sent to look for her by her family, devastated by her sudden disappearance. When he was close enough, he gallantly offered her a hand, asking to follow him. His courtesy didn't last long though: when Victoria, shocked by his complete disregard for the surroundings, refused, he grabbed her arm and made to pull her away. Murmurs raised from the audience and Victor raised to his feet. "Leave me! You have no right to come her and force me to follow you" Victoria protested, dropping her bouquet. "As a matter of fact, I do have, darling" he smirked, an ominous wolfish grin. "I humbly asked for your hand in marriage if I managed to find the lost girl, and guess what Mom and Dad said after that disastrous engagement? So that makes you my fiancée, dear Victoria" My fiancée...my fiancée... The world echoed in Emily's mind until a sudden memory hit her. The foggy night, the oak tree, the menacing gleam of the rapier. "Let her go now, you monster" she shouted, cold fury simmering in her bones. "Mind your business" he hissed back, pulling Victoria's arm again but Emily took hold of his own in a steely grip. "I say let her go now and get out" He met her gaze with his face distorted in anger. He didn't recognise her at first but when he did, his face tensed up in fear and horror as he back-pedalled, setting the Everglot girl free. "It can't be..." "My thoughts precisely...when you left me to die and ran away with my gold" Emily now advanced threateningly in his direction as a loud gasp resound through the curch. Fury and panic ruled his moves as he promptly unsheathed his rapier and thrusted it into the bride's ribcage only to find out that he had no luck this time. An ominous smile crossed her face as she dropped her own bouquet and exclaimed: "General? Your saber" "With great pleasure, Emily" Nobody knew whether the bride was skilled in sword fighting but the duel that followed was not for the faint of heart. Emily's stabs were raw, unrefined but her thirst for vengeance made up for it; also her previous knowledge of Lord Barkis came in handy as he wasn't to be trusted with a sword. He fought as a scoundrel now that he dropped the mask and scoundrels of his sort, with no honour nor empathy, never fight fairly. Panic and turmoil erupted among the guests. Suddenly, Victoria's voice resounded over the clashing of the swords. "Victor, run, go find the guards and expose Lord Barkis! And you, down there lock the doors!" The boy looked confused for a moment but recovered soon and sprinted away into the night while the bartender and another skeleton locked the doors behind him . Lord Barkis didn't even notice him, blocking another hit. "Expose me? And for what, milady?" he laughed, an hideous humourless laughter. "I am inclined to believe the guards will consider the accusations seriously once they find you armed on a crime scene" the Evetglot girl explained, quietly. "What crime scene? I am the one being attacked here!" "Get out, you monster, I said!" Emily roared. Then, a sudden collective gasp from the attending guests, drove the attention back to the other side of the aisle. Even the fighting stopped. Victoria was standing by the altar, steely determination in her gaze and the goblet in her right hand. Her gaze found the corpse bride again and she lifted her left hand. "With this hand, I will lift your sorrows. Your cup will never be empty, for" she continued, raising the goblet. "I will be your wine." Emily cried out an impotent "no!" as the girl drowned the poisoned goblet in one huge gulp, wincing afterwards. The corpse bride dropped the saber, and held her dress as she ran as quickly as her feet could take her to the altar. Stubbornly, Victoris grabbed a candle and raise it but her hands started shaking, just like her voice. "With this candle, I will light ...your way...in...darkness." The candlestick fell to the marble ground just as Emily rushed to held her trembling figure and prevent her to fall too. Victoria was awfully pale and abandoned herself into her arms like a dead weight, unable to sustain herself anymore. Her breathing was feeble, a pained whisper when she continued. "With this...ring, I...ask you...to be...mine." Emily desperatly called her name but her eyes lost her usual gleam and the body in her arms became too cold and still for a living. The Wine of Ages truly was deadly. Overwhelmed by the heartbreak, Emily cradled the lifeless body tenderly while tears rimmed her face. Foolish, foolish Victoria. Her despair was met by a respectful silence, to honour her loss. Or so she thought until someone cleared their throat and offered placed a hand over her shoulder. "Emily, I think this is when the officiant says 'You may now kiss the bride'" a familiar voice said. Not just a familiar voice. Her voice. Emily opened her eyes and turned her head. Victoria - or her corpse - was standing at her side, smiling encouragely. Emily stood without hesitation as if drawn to her by an irresistible force. When they faced each other, she reached for her hands. "I thought I lost you" Victoria raised cold fingertips to her cheek. "You never will, my love" When they lips touched, a light so bright emanated from their embracing bodies, swallowing them completely till they disappeared into a shower of butterflies. What follows is matter of legends and stories told by the fireplace. After the wedding, the guards stormed into the now empty church only to find the corpse of Miss Everglot in a wedding dress and Lord Barkis on the verge on insanity. He claimed he was innocent but he sounded rather hysterical. According to the local chronicles, his arrest lead to an investigation that uncovered a series of murders of local wealthy heiresses in the villages he stopped by. Sentenced guilty and not sane in his head, he ended his days in an asylum, without a penny and forgotten by the world. As for the other characters of the story... Apparently, that eventful night the curse of the corpse bride was broken as she found the true love who set her free. Victor Van Dort left the village is search of better fortune as a pianist. The dawn of his departure, a pair of butterflies, a blue and a lilac one, graciously waltzed inside his room, flying around him; he likes to think they were the brides saying adieu and wishing him a bright new life. The woods are now less ominous: kids play by the river again and nobody fears venturing there, even after dark. However, some claims that the forest is still somehow haunted. The baker's son swears that if you go by the oak tree during full moon, you would see two female spirits dancing a waltz in the moonlight. They are not spooky: on the contrary, quite a joy for the eyes. And one of them looks just like Miss Victoria Everglot.

[staircasttext]

Ep 19: Beaver Tales

Episode 19

[intro music]

PAZ: Hi everyone, welcome back to Stairway to StarClan, a Warriors Cat reread pawdcast. I'm Paz.

JULIAN: I'm Julian.

LIZ: And I'm Liz.

PAZ: And we're back again this week with chapters seven to 10 of Forest of Secrets. I almost said Fire and Ice. No, we're done with that. Kind of a lot of in camp activities these chapters, I would say.

JULIAN: Yeah, some tightly focused drama.

PAZ: Yeah. I don't know anything, any pressing pre-summary thoughts, or should we just go into it?

LIZ: Let's just hop right in.

PAZ: Okay. Chapter seven. After Bluestar dismisses Fireheart, he bumps into Cinderpaw on her way to find herbs for Yellowfang and accompanies her. On the way out, they see Cloudkit and the other kits taunting Brokentail. Fireheart is conflicted and angry, and snatches Cloudkit away from Brokentail, telling the other kits to go back to the nursery. Darkstripe calls Fireheart a kittypet again, and Fireheart explains to Cloudkit what that means. He also tells Cloudkit that they were both kittypets, which shocks Cloudkit. Cloudkit vows to become a good warrior anyway, and Fireheart reminds him about being honorable.

Cinderpaw checks on Brokentail and Darkstripe returns into the den. Fireheart and Cinderpaw let Cloudkit come with them to find herbs, and she teaches Cloudkit a bit of what she's learned about foraging. While they talk about Cloudkit's future, Cloudkit eats some-- doesn't eat. That'd be bad if he. Cloudkit almost eats some poisonous berries before Cinderpaw stops him. Cloudkit, dead. He's dead now.

LIZ: Dead in Miami.

PAZ: Dead in chapter seven of Forest of Secrets. No, that didn't happen. He takes her warning seriously. Afterwards, Cinderpaw wonders what her future will be like, feeling uncertain and pained, and Fireheart encourages her to talk to Bluestar. He thinks briefly about Bluestar's reaction to Graypool's story again, and thinks to himself that it's beyond his understanding.

Chapter eight. Fireheart has a disturbing dream about kits suckling from a faceless grey queen, who then disappears. Spottedleaf appears, sheltering the kits, and the dream ends. When he wakes up, he thinks about Graypool's story again, noticing that Graystripe is also missing, seeing Silverstream, of course. He and Sandstorm decide to go hunting, taking poor Brackenpaw with them since Graystripe has forgotten about him again. Brackenpaw catches a bird, but they suddenly hear the sound of a kit in danger. They find a badger menacing Cloudkit and manage to chase it off. They wonder about how strange it was for a badger to be out in daytime. Cloudkit is returned safely to Brindleface, but Tigerclaw punishes him for wasting everyone's time, though isn't Cloudkit's fault. His punishment is to clean up for the elders.

Meanwhile, Yellowfang has taken Brokentail outside to talk about newleaf, while Darkstripe and Longtail act as guards. She's very gentle and motherly, but Brokentail doesn't respond. Fireheart watches sadly, thinking of mothers and kits, and then Mistyfoot and Stonefur again.

Chapter nine. While Cinderpaw tends to Brackenpaw's wounds from attacking the badger, Fireheart checks in on Cloudkit and helps him with tending to the elders. Fireheart tells him about having to tend to Yellowfang's ticks, her ass ticks, when he was younger, which cheers Cloudkit up.

Later, Fireheart sees Tigerclaw sneaking out of camp, so he decides to follow him. He notices Tigerclaw is getting close to Twolegplace, wondering if he's trying to track down Princess to hurt her. Fireheart also happens to catch a mouse on the way, which gives him an alibi for hunting, when he literally bumps into Tigerclaw soon after.

When Tigerclaw returns to camp, Fireheart checks around Twolegplace, where he smells that a lot of strange, unknown cats have been around in addition to Tigerclaw. He also meets with Princess briefly, and he tells her about how well Cloudkit is growing up, promising to bring him to see her in newleaf. On the way back to camp, he sees that newleaf's thaw has started.

Chapter 10. Fireheart tells Bluestar about the strange cat scents, and she says she'll send patrols out, thinking they might be rogues from Twolegplace. Two days later, newleaf has truly arrived, and there's plenty of food to hunt. Fireheart is pleased to see Cloudkit continuing to tend to the elders, even after his punishment has ended. Tigerclaw tells Fireheart to patrol the RiverClan border and renew the scent markings, and Fireheart realizes Tigerclaw is too clever to be hostile to him in public. He takes some other warriors with him, including Sandstorm and Graystripe, who is the most excited in case he sees Silverstream. However, they don't smell any RiverClan cats at all. The river has overflowed from the thaw, flooding Sunningrocks. And that's the end of the readings this week. What? Does anybody want to say anything?

JULIAN: Sorry, I was on the Wikipedia page for badgers again. Just for when we get to it.

PAZ: The Wikipedia page or like the Warriors wiki page?

JULIAN: No, the regular Wikipedia page.

PAZ: Oh, okay.

JULIAN: I was not on the Warriors wiki page, although I'm sure that's a rich vein.

LIZ: Oh, I'll check.

PAZ: No, don't. There's spoilers. Don't check.

LIZ: I'll just read the first sentence, how about that. There's only the first sentence and then the contents, like table of contents. They do have a picture of a real badger on there.

PAZ: That's beautiful.

LIZ: Not an illustrated one. "Badgers are thickset medium-sized animals with huge muscles and beady eyes that are mainly active at night, and are enemies to cats in the Warriors series." There you go.

JULIAN: Hot damn.

PAZ: Huge muscles.

JULIAN: The thing that I was reading on the actual Wikipedia page for badgers is that apparently they're usually pretty chill, unless they're cornered.

PAZ: Yeah, I thought so.

JULIAN: Yeah, it's saying that they often live alongside and will share their burrows with red foxes.

LIZ: Ooh.

PAZ: Wow.

JULIAN: "Foxes provide badgers with food scraps, and badgers maintain the shared burrows' cleanliness."

LIZ: Roommates.

PAZ: Wow, love is real.

JULIAN: "Although sometimes this can go wrong, and cases are known of badgers driving vixens from their dens and destroying their litters."

PAZ: [gasp]

LIZ: [gasp] Oh.

JULIAN: "In return, red foxes are known to have killed badger cubs in spring."

LIZ: Roommates to enemies.

PAZ: Roommates to enemies.

JULIAN: Sometimes your roommate situation goes south.

PAZ: Yeah, it can be like that with roommates. Yeah, I'm like, I thought badgers were fairly chill. They're not like wolverines.

LIZ: No.

JULIAN: No, they're pretty chill unless you corner them. And that's not what happened here.

PAZ: Maybe this badger has rabies. That was my first thought when it was like, it's out in the daytime.

JULIAN: Oh, that's possible.

PAZ: I was like, does this badger have rabies? Is Brackenpaw gonna get rabies?

LIZ: No.

JULIAN: He hasn't had his shots.

PAZ: Exactly. He hasn't had his rabies shots.

LIZ: This is why Fireheart is like the chosen one, or whatever.

PAZ: Speaking of Brackenpaw, poor Brackenpaw.

JULIAN: God.

LIZ: Poor little guy.

JULIAN: Fuckin, Graystripe, do your job. Do your job.

LIZ: How often does he have to see his girlfriend?

PAZ: Every hour of every day, apparently.

JULIAN: Like I get it. They don't have Skype. They can't write each other letters or like text or whatever. But like, you gotta deal.

LIZ: Make a schedule.

PAZ: Just go out at night, or something.

JULIAN: Have a weekly date night. And then be normal.

PAZ: I'm glad that the text pointed out that Graystripe sucks and is a bad teacher again because he is.

LIZ: Poor Brackenpaw.

JULIAN: Well, and it's having serious impacts on-- yeah. It's having serious impacts on Brackenpaw's like emotional health. He's really unsure of himself. And like, even when he did a really good job fighting off the badger, he's like, oh no, I'm sure it wasn't that-- like I didn't do that good.

LIZ: Brackenpaw is very cool. He caught a bird out of the air and then was very self-conscious about that.

PAZ: Yeah, he did a double-jump.

LIZ: Yeah. Where'd he learn that? Not Graystripe.

PAZ: Hell no. Graystripe wouldn't fight a badger. Graystripe would just leave.

JULIAN: Graystripe would leave the badger for someone else to deal with.

LIZ: There's that part where like Brackenpaw's like, oh, all the other apprentices are so much younger, but they're gonna be warriors before me.

PAZ: I know.

JULIAN: Also, like, Graystripe, do your job. Also Bluestar do your job.

PAZ: Bluestar... horrible leader.

JULIAN: Or-- not to be like, Tigerclaw should get in here. But like, if he's going to be aggressive and mean, maybe he should be aggressive and mean about the actual problems.

LIZ: He should just ground Graystripe for like a month.

JULIAN: Graystripe can deal with the elders' ticks.

PAZ: Okay, like, not to be like Tigerclaw's right again. But him giving Cloudkit a little like, oh, take care of the elders punishment seemed to work. Cloudkit gained some emotional maturity from that, so.

JULIAN: Yeah, I do have a note that's like his reasoning sucks, but this is good for Cloudkit.

PAZ: Yeah, Cloudkit needed that.

JULIAN: Also like, it integrates him better with the clan. Again, worst person you know made a great point.

LIZ: It's very funny. He just became like a mean teacher for a second. It's like, this is the 90s movie where Cloudkit is like the rowdy new transfer. Tigerclaw's like his mean math teacher or something, and he gives him extra homework. It makes his math better. I don't know. Is that how the movies go? Math, right? Math.

PAZ: Yeah. Uh-huh.

JULIAN: I didn't have a TV, so.

PAZ: Sure.

JULIAN: Yes?

LIZ: Well, I've never seen a movie, so we are equal here.

PAZ: I think we jumped around a little bit though. I guess we can--

JULIAN: We did. We jumped straight to chapter eight.

PAZ: I forgot when that happened. For some reason I thought Brackenpaw being abandoned started in chapter seven, but it is not. It's Cinderpaw.

LIZ: Just start, in my mind, poor guy.

JULIAN: Oh, Cinderpaw.

PAZ: Once again, Cinderpaw seems to be doing just fine. But Fireheart's manpain, like internal narrative is terrible. Be quiet.

JULIAN: There is a line about how he's not in the mood for sharing tongues with his friends, which I know we've covered this before. I will never get used to sharing tongues.

LIZ: Why isn't it just called cleaning?

JULIAN: Grooming.

LIZ: Yeah.

JULIAN: Well...

LIZ: There's a word for it. You got it.

PAZ: Yeah, I don't know. I don't know who decided that would be the term for it.

LIZ: Also, since we did like start out with, you know, seeing how like, we got to see how Brackenpaw felt about his situation, it's kind of like an capital-I Interesting contrast to see that in like Cinderpaw, cause we don't really get to see much of that, just kind of like Fireheart's man pain.

PAZ: I mean, she does like voice her feelings in this part, where she's like, I don't really know what I'm doing because we only have three jobs in our society. And no one's told me now what I should do.

LIZ: I guess it's like the way it cycles back to Fireheart, which...

PAZ: Yeah, that's true.

JULIAN: Yeah, the framing is very like Fireheart-centric, in a way that I wish it were not.

PAZ: Yeah, I agree.

JULIAN: God, it is like, he's so close, because there's one point where-- let me find the portion. Yeah. "Cinderpaw was brave and intelligent, and before her accident, she had shown endless energy and commitment to the clan. Surely that couldn't all be thrown away." Yeah, Fireheart, surely it couldn't. Like he's soooooo close. And yet so far away.

LIZ: My guy.

JULIAN: Like I'm glad she's found something that she can do, but blehhhhh.

LIZ: She was given one option by one person.

JULIAN: Well, and it's also in the like bit with the deathberries, um, like she does move very quickly when required. When the plot requires her to be able to move quickly, she sure can.

PAZ: Yeah, it's almost like she could hunt and stuff fine if anyone would just let her, or do anything else.

JULIAN: It's like right after he sees that that Fireheart is like, damn. Too bad she's helpless.

PAZ: Yeah, speaking of helplessness-- disability framed as helplessness, all this stuff with Brokentail at the start of chapter seven is also like what the hell.

LIZ: Ooh. Yikes.

JULIAN: It's so fucked.

LIZ: It's fucked.

PAZ: It frames him as completely helpless. I'm like, all he is is blind. He didn't like...

LIZ: He's still like an adult cat.

JULIAN: Right, he still has claws and like teeth. I fully expected him to kill one of the kits.

PAZ: He's just barely reacted. It's so weird.

JULIAN: Yeah, it's also just like, you know, I'm glad that Fireheart like takes Cloudkit aside and is like, Hey, don't do that.

LIZ: Yeah, it's fucking shitty. Don't do it.

JULIAN: But yeah, the fact that like-- and you know, it is framed as like a fucked up thing that the kits have done to like be taunting their prisoner, their disabled prisoner, but oooh! Yeesh.

PAZ: Yeah, it's like, it's one thing to like-- there was sort of a part where like Darkstripe like threatened Brokentail when like he almost clawed them, but like it wasn't really being framed as like, he's not doing it because he'll get, like, beat up by the guard. It was like-- he just barely reacted. And it was like, oh he couldn't track where the kits were. I'm like, he still has ears. He still has whiskers.

JULIAN: He has ears and whiskers and like scent.

LIZ: That's mostly what they hunt with anyway. It's not like they use their incredible bird's eye view to hunt the mouse.

JULIAN: Yeah, all the descriptions of hunting are like, oh, they hear the mouse rustling in the grass. Like they can't see the mouse.

PAZ: It's so weird.

LIZ: I mean, like we know why it's like this, and it's because the author didn't put the work into it to like-- just thinks this is the only way you can write your disabled character.

JULIAN: Yeah, I guess it really is sort of one finger curls on the monkey's paw. We were like, oh, I wish there were another disabled character besides Cinderpaw.

PAZ: Mm.

JULIAN: And we got one, and...

PAZ: Somehow worse.

JULIAN: He literally has Broken in the name.

PAZ: Yeah, but that scene-- oh, go ahead.

JULIAN: And then Fireheart gets-- oh sorry, I was gonna say, and then Fireheart gets to explain racism to Cloudkit.

LIZ: Oh my god.

PAZ: He literally says we have to work twice as hard. Oh my God.

JULIAN: Head in my hands.

PAZ: It's a kids book so I'll let it pass, but it is very funny.

LIZ: When's Cloudkit gonna have his lunchbox moment?

JULIAN: Oh God.

PAZ: He has his little catnip mouse. All the warriors are like, ew, what's that?

LIZ: Fuck.

JULIAN: Oh, God.

PAZ: Princess gives him some Temptations to take back to camp.

JULIAN: To bring home to them. To all his friends.

LIZ: And when all his friends are like, you know, in college, they're gonna be going to all the overpriced fusion Temptations bars.

PAZ: Oh god.

JULIAN: All the catnip lounges.

LIZ: Terrible.

JULIAN: Also, not only is Fireheart explaining racism to Cloudkit, but he's also telling Cloudkit that he's adopted, which is a lot.

PAZ: Yeah, I mean to be fair, Fireheart thought that he already knew.

JULIAN: Which is also, how did he not know?

PAZ: I don't know. I guess he just never like brought it up with Brindleface.

JULIAN: But they were all teasing him for being a kittypet.

PAZ: Were they?

LIZ: Maybe.

JULIAN: I think so.

PAZ: I don't know if they ever did it to his face.

JULIAN: I guess it was mostly like-- yeah.

PAZ: Well, he said like, so that's why everyone hates me but I don't know if anyone ever called him a kittypet like to his face.

JULIAN: Yeah, no, I think you're right. Damn.

PAZ: I do love that Cloudkit says, "'so that's why the other cats hate me,' he spat. 'They think I'll never be any good because I wasn't born in this dump of a forest.'"

LIZ: Get 'em.

PAZ: So good. Get 'em.

LIZ: I love his like immediate turnaround like fuck this house. None of you are my dad.

PAZ: He's such a funny child.

JULIAN: There's a bit later where when Fireheart meets with Princess, he's like, yeah, your son's doing great. Um, and then mentally he's like, yeah, and he's spoiled and like nosy. But I do love him.

PAZ: He's very fun.

LIZ: Just a little rowdy boy.

PAZ: Yeah, he's a little brat rowdy boy.

LIZ: He's definitely like a season two protagonist.

JULIAN: Mm, mm-hmm.

LIZ: Know what I mean?

PAZ: Yeah? You think, second series?

LIZ: Mm-hmm. It's like, no, it's not about the power of friendship anymore. It's about the power of me winning the sports game, except it is friendship, but I have to get through a couple of my own walls first, because of--

JULIAN: What sport do you think the cats will be inventing?

LIZ: What's a good one for them to play? Soccer. There you go.

PAZ: Yeah, they would love to bat a little ball around.

JULIAN: Or like a sort of--

LIZ: A moss ball.

JULIAN: I was gonna say, sort of a, like, Maya toss ball situation, where you have to get the ball into the hoop.

LIZ: They can have one more job then. It's hoop maker.

JULIAN: Hoop maker and athlete.

PAZ: Wow.

JULIAN: Two more jobs. Three more jobs if they need referees.

PAZ: Wow. They can do like, like inter clan sports competitions, and that'll get all the bloodlust out when they just, you know, they play sports.

JULIAN: What if the cats have football riots though?

LIZ: They would. They will. It's terrible. Who's England in this situation?

JULIAN: ThunderClan, right?

LIZ: Yeah. Boo.

PAZ: Has to be.

JULIAN: Like, thinks they're good, has done many crimes.

PAZ: Exactly.

JULIAN: Although I guess ShadowClan is like the most obviously expansionist, so.

PAZ: They're all England.

LIZ: Ugh.

JULIAN: Maybe ThunderClan is like Germany

LIZ: They'll also probably need more like medics. So that's not a new job, but it is like expanding it.

PAZ: Yeah, more than two doctors.

LIZ: Oh, what a luxury.

JULIAN: More than one and a half doctors.

PAZ: Speaking of the doctors, it's very like stupid that Cinderpaw's like, oh I don't know what I'll do. And it's like, you're acting as the medicine cat. Throughout all these chapters, you were just a second doctor. And Fireheart's also like, I have no idea. Oh, you'll have to talk to Bluestar.

LIZ: Assigned doctor.

PAZ: I bet Yellowfang's gonna be like, um, I thought you were already my apprentice like three weeks ago.

LIZ: Well, did she ask?

PAZ: I guess, I don't know. It's just like--

LIZ: Listen, these cats are pretty dense.

JULIAN: Yellowfang seems like the kind of character who doesn't ask for things but sort of tries to trick people into doing nice things for them. She's like, oh, uh, oh, whoops, I made all this soup. You have to eat it or it'll go to waste.

LIZ: Tricks you into a paying job.

JULIAN: Yeah, Cinderpaw has a little moment where she's like, oh, yeah, I'm gonna have to move out of Yellowfang's den. And it's like, will you? I don't think you will. Has she asked you to?

LIZ: She probably already made you a room.

PAZ: Yeah, I'm pretty sure she has a bed there. I mean not just like her, like recovering bed.

JULIAN: Yellowfang like carefully decorating the walls while Cinderpaw's out.

LIZ: Yellowfang makes her a Welcome Home Temptations cake with a little ribbon.

PAZ: Cinderpaw also says, "ever since I was a tiny kit I wanted to be like Bluestar," and I'm like, no you don't.

LIZ: No. I mean she probably did.

JULIAN: Yeah, that's the lie of being a girlboss.

PAZ: I think you're better off.

JULIAN: Yeah, it seems like Bluestar isn't doing so hot.

LIZ: The part where Fireheart tells her like, oh, Bluestar will know what to do.

PAZ: I know. I was like, I don't think so.

JULIAN: When has Bluestar ever known what to do?

LIZ: For like five chapters in the first book.

PAZ: Yeah, and in like the beginning of book two with WindClan. And then it was kinda over.

LIZ: I don't know what's happening lately. Maybe she got taken over by the ghost of a cat that's not good at being...

JULIAN: Speaking of Yellowfang, the scenes with her and Brokentail are so sad.

PAZ: Like her being like, she's being motherly to him, and him just like, absolutely not responding. Of course he doesn't know that she's his mom.

JULIAN: Right. Woof.

LIZ: [sighs]

PAZ: Drama.

LIZ: There's a part where it says like, she makes like little mom noises at him.

PAZ: Yeah, I was in tears.

JULIAN: Or like, she was like grooming him, and like he does not even move.

LIZ: Aw.

JULIAN: Yellowfang, it's okay. You have so many other children.

PAZ: I know. This kid sucks.

JULIAN: You have so many children who don't suck.

PAZ: I guess we didn't really talk about that prophecy dream Fireheart had, but it wasn't really that interesting.

JULIAN: Yeah, it didn't really tell us anything that we don't already know.

PAZ: Yeah, it was just Spottedleaf being like Fireheart, you idiot. You know who those kits are.

LIZ: Who's that gray cat?

PAZ: I don't know.

LIZ: Well, there are so many gray cats, just.

PAZ: It's true.

LIZ: Like there's definitely more than-- like I knew about them, but it just seems more pointed out now for some reason. Is that just me? Like, it talks about how Cinderpelt is-- sorry, Cinderpaw. I know what happens later, name-wise. How she's gray. We already know Graystripe's gray. There's Graypool, there's Silverstream, there's that other guy. There's Yellowfang?

JULIAN: Stonefur?

PAZ: No, Yellowfang has black fur, I think.

JULIAN: Or like dark brown.

LIZ: Dark brown?

PAZ: Yeah. Persian cat.

JULIAN: Yeah, it does feel like they're like, hey, look, like all these gray cats. Parallels.

LIZ: It's cause there's no black and white.

PAZ: Was Oakheart gray too? How many fucking gray cats were there?

LIZ: Lots.

JULIAN: [typing] Oakheart Warriors wiki. He was... uh, no. He was reddish-brown.

PAZ: Well.

LIZ: That's a lot more uncommon, I think, like a reddish brown cat that isn't like a tabby or something. Like you ever see a brown cat? Like a brown brown cat?

JULIAN: I have, but it's definitely, like--

PAZ: Just pure brown? Yeah, those are a--

JULIAN: A weird-looking color.

PAZ: Those kinds of cats always look really smooth. It's probably a breed, that kind I'm thinking of.

LIZ: They look like just little like wild cats.

JULIAN: Oh, it's a Havana Brown.

LIZ: Hmm.

PAZ: We already talked about Brackenpaw being abandoned. The badger, of course,

LIZ: I don't know, does he become more prominent later?

PAZ: Brackenpaw?

JULIAN: Who?

LIZ: Yeah.

PAZ: I cannot-- I literally cannot remember.

JULIAN: Yeah, I also super do not remember.

LIZ: Is there like, I don't know, like, just like a fanfiction that's like a day in the life of Brackenpaw? What's he do? Poor guy.

PAZ: I feel like maybe I remember this scene.

JULIAN: I don't see anything like super big that he does later, but.

LIZ: Aw. Okay, new Patreon goal. Listen, if we get to $420. I don't know what'll happen.

PAZ: Oh. Sorry, I'm just reading something. I forgot who he mentored.

JULIAN: There is a nice little sentence here, first paragraph. "He was apprenticed early with the name Brackenpaw, mentored by Graystripe. However, Graystripe neglected his duties." Hell yeah he did.

LIZ: Bitch.

PAZ: "And Brackenpaw's training was mostly completed by Fireheart." Uh-huh.

LIZ: Yeah.

JULIAN: Yep.

PAZ: That's right.

LIZ: It's definitely more apparent in these chapters like that the other cats are picking up the slack, too, which is nice, but.

JULIAN: Yeah, Whitestorm and the other guy are like, yeah, we're gonna take all the cats out, all the apprentices out for a hunt.

PAZ: School field trip.

LIZ: But is it like-- does it feel like, oh, I'm like a sixth grader, and these are all first graders?

PAZ: Yeah, that seems to be the vibe because Brackenpaw's like really upset about it.

LIZ: He can't talk about Fortnite with them. They're too young.

JULIAN: Oh shit, new pixel art of Graystripe just dropped.

PAZ: Oh shit.

LIZ: What?

JULIAN: I think this is new. I don't remember seeing this. He's all fluffy in this pixel art. From the Warriors wiki.

LIZ: Whoa.

PAZ: Whoa. Why's he so dark?

JULIAN: I know, right?

LIZ: No, it's because he's wet from being in Riverclan all the time.

PAZ: Of course.

LIZ: [snickers]

PAZ: What? Got that trap neuter return ear?

LIZ: I was just gonna say that. What happened to you, Graystripe?

PAZ: Maybe if his balls got cut off that would solve a lot of problems.

JULIAN: God.

LIZ: I think he'd still be a bitch. He didn't have a girlfriend when he was like, mm, I don't know about this Tigerclaw being a murder thing

PAZ: God, I can't get over that. I mean, there's a badger scene. There's Cloudkit getting his punishment.

LIZ: What is the level of sentience that badgers have here?

PAZ: I don't know.

JULIAN: Well. I mean, there's some stuff later. But I don't know about badgers in general.

PAZ: Yeah, I don't know if all badgers are sentient or not.

LIZ: Okay, well, the way you guys said that made me think there's like a special badger.

PAZ: No comment.

LIZ: Hmm.

JULIAN: I really love how much of this description is clearly copied from Wikipedia or like an encyclopedia article about badgers. I don't think that it's been revealed anywhere in the Warrior books that male and female badgers generally have the same head-body length falling between 56 and 90 centimeters.

LIZ: God bless.

JULIAN: I just don't think the cats are thinking in centimeters.

LIZ: Oh, they use inches?

JULIAN: Oh, there's a source for all this. Oh, it's revealed on animaldiversity.ummz.umich.edu. Yep.

PAZ: Of course.

JULIAN: I do love that they continue to use the revealed language for...

PAZ: It's so funny. I was reading about the supposed Warriors film and it was of course, all revealed on variety.com.

LIZ: Variety?

PAZ: Yeah.

LIZ: I see.

JULIAN: Oh, this badger looks so cute. There's a badger art from the badger from Secrets of the Clans, which is one of the Warrior guidebooks, and it has--

PAZ: Oh my gosh.

LIZ: Oh my god.

JULIAN: The roundest, softest face.

PAZ: Oh my god, I'm in tears.

LIZ: Oh my god.

PAZ: This badger looks like the picture of the cat who's been photoshopped to be crying.

LIZ: What has this badger seen?

JULIAN: Also, that's not a Eurasian badger. That's an American badger.

PAZ: Yeah, that is definitely not.

JULIAN: That's the wrong species.

LIZ: What the fuck's a Eurasian badger look like?

JULIAN: It's got the long--

PAZ: It's the classic like black and white striped one, right?

JULIAN: Yeah, so like if you look at the picture at the top of the wiki article, it's a badger with a much longer face with stripes that go all the way down. And that's a Eurasian badger, and the American badger has a much rounder babier looking face.

LIZ: What a sad looking little guy. What have you seen? Do you think the American badger's looking over at like England or whatever with its incredible Hawkeye vision like, oh, that poor little Brackenpaw. If it was me, I wouldn't have attacked a little baby kitten. Oh, those poor cats.

JULIAN: Oh, I'm sorry. I know we got to move off of the Wikipedia page, but I found an amazing picture of an American badger.

PAZ: Please.

LIZ: We'll post these badger pictures on the Twitter. Don't you guys worry.

PAZ: If we remember. Oh my god.

JULIAN: Look at that lad!

LIZ: Oh my God. Oh my god.

PAZ: Holy shit.

LIZ: This looks fake.

PAZ: This looks like they stretched the jpeg.

JULIAN: It's on illinois.gov.

LIZ: What?

JULIAN: It's on the Department of Natural Resources.

PAZ: [wheezing] What is-- what--

LIZ: Chunky.

PAZ: What's wrong with its head?

JULIAN: I mean, they fucking, they all look like this.

LIZ: Nothing. It's perfect.

JULIAN: Here's from the Encyclopedia Britannica.

PAZ: Oh my god.

LIZ: I didn't know they looked like this.

JULIAN: Look at him. There he goes, trot, trot.

LIZ: His powerful stance.

PAZ: They're so wide. I can't. They look like potatoes.

JULIAN: Absolute legend.

LIZ: That's how they make those tunnels. They just like wiggle.

JULIAN: Here's a European badger, just to like for comparison. We can-- I'm putting all these images in the chat so we can tweet them later. Just a long boy. Just a looong slinky boy.

PAZ: Yeah, that's a much less wide, wide lad.

LIZ: Very classic.

PAZ: Still very round nose.

JULIAN: Oh, here's one running.

LIZ: Oh my god.

JULIAN: Thank you Shutterstock. Thank you Shutterstock. Thank you whichever photographer hid out in a wild, in like a lane somewhere in England.

PAZ: Oh my god. Look at it go.

JULIAN: To catch this lad.

LIZ: Oh my god.

PAZ: It looks like--

LIZ: He go.

PAZ: You know the like boom mic on TVs that they--

LIZ: Yes.

PAZ: It looks like one of those.

JULIAN: Oh, I love him.

LIZ: What's that thing you keep telling me to get for my mic?

PAZ: Oh, a pop filter?

LIZ: Yeah. He looks like a pop filter.

JULIAN: I'm also seeing an image that says, it's a infographic about the differences between the European badger and American badger, but [laughing] the European badger is clearly a beaver.

LIZ: Wait.

JULIAN: Like, could not more clearly be a beaver.

PAZ: What?

LIZ: Wait a minute. Is this just a little nature joke? Little humor?

JULIAN: No, this is a whole... everything you need to know.

LIZ: Oh dear.

PAZ: Well, the first thing you need to know is that's not the European badger.

JULIAN: That's not a fucking badger. Oh, I know that this is clearly a content farm and someone just did a bad job. But this is a beaver. This is a beaver.

LIZ: This looks like a meme.

JULIAN: They do have it correct that none of these are good pets.

PAZ: No.

LIZ: True. God, look at that guy go. I can't stop looking at it. It's just running. Where's he going?

JULIAN: He has important business.

LIZ: Gotta go attack a baby. Heard that baby's an atheist.

PAZ: That's why the badger went for it.

JULIAN: The badger's here to enforce, uh. Oh, I'm sorry, I can't get over the beaver.

PAZ: Okay, we gotta move on.

LIZ: It's a badger.

JULIAN: We gotta move on. We gotta move on.

LIZ: A European badger.

PAZ: Cloudkit got attacked by a beaver.

LIZ: Just turns around and like, waps you.

JULIAN: Oh. Alright, what else happened in these chapters?

PAZ: I guess the next thing we didn't talk about, um, I mean we talked a little about... I guess Fireheart and Cloudkit have another little bonding scene getting the moss.

JULIAN: Yeah, that was cute. And then Tigerclaw's up to some shit again.

PAZ: Of course. Yeah, Tigerclaw going to Twolegplace to do nefarious things. There was a point where his pawprints were described as massive, which was extremely funny to me.

JULIAN: I love the image of Tigerclaw's just enormous big ol beans.

PAZ: Huge beans.

LIZ: Big ol beans compared to cats, though. How big could they be?

PAZ: Well, have you ever seen a cat with real, real big paw to body ratio? That's what I'm imagining. Like he's a big cat but his paws are even bigger.

LIZ: Yeah, but he could still fit in like...

PAZ: What if Tigerclaw's like a polydactyl? Is that what they're called?

LIZ: Oh, absolutely.

JULIAN: [gasps] Yes.

PAZ: Multiple toes.

LIZ: He's got thumbs so that's why he can commit all his crimes.

PAZ: It all makes sense.

LIZ: All dexterity. How did Tigerclaw kill all those other cats? He's got a gun.

PAZ: Holy shit.

JULIAN: I mean, he has been hanging out with all these back alley cats that smell like trash.

LIZ: These city cats.

JULIAN: This is how guns enter the rural English countryside.

PAZ: I love that Fireheart just keeps collecting evidence that Tigerclaw's evil, and he just can't do anything about it because Bluestar is useless.

LIZ: I just can't believe that in these chapters, there's that part specifically where he says Bluestar will know what to do.

PAZ: [snorts]

JULIAN: Right, it's like last-- well, I mean, I feel like he still thinks it's his fault, that he like didn't frame it right last time. Which is very sad.

PAZ: Yeah, but like, he tried to tell her twice. And each time she's been like, no,

LIZ: But it's definitely like being set up for that, right? Because this is very like his own perspective and it's gonna be a dramatic irony turn later.

JULIAN: Mm.

LIZ: Is that too hopeful?

PAZ: We'll see.

LIZ: [darkly] Mm.

PAZ: He does literally run into Tigerclaw.

JULIAN: He does. It's very funny.

LIZ: Right, he's like--

JULIAN: Bounces right off him anime-style.

LIZ: No, he's tailing him, right, and then he's like, oh fuck, but there's this mouse. Ooh, but I gotta--

PAZ: It's so funny. His little cat attention span.

LIZ: It's very video game, too. It's like, okay, main quest. Wait, fuck. Ooh. Mm. Give me a second.

PAZ: I'll be real quick. I just gotta. Yeah, there's a nasty cat smell. Princess shows back up. She's like, you're so thin.

JULIAN: She's like, hey, you're feeding my son, right?

LIZ: Princess having some second thoughts. It's like, maybe I should have gotten my fucking kid vaccinated before he went.

JULIAN: Maybe I should have let him reach like an adult size. Then his growth wouldn't be stunted.

PAZ: She's like, are you getting enough to eat, and Fireheart's just like, no. Doesn't even try to lie.

JULIAN: Imagine being Princess, though. It's like, your shithead brother comes back, is clearly malnourished, and you're like, oh my god, like, I have food at home. Come get some food. And he's like, I can't. The clan. It's like, buddy.

PAZ: He's just in a cult.

JULIAN: He's in a cult. She's trying her best to help him. Well, not really. She's not.

LIZ: Well, she--

PAZ: No, she gave her son to the cult.

JULIAN: She gave him her son.

LIZ: He could have just rolled in some garlic or whatever.

PAZ: Right? Didn't he roll in fox dung before? That was fine.

LIZ: Eat the Temptations.

JULIAN: Eat the Temptations. And then eat some like, I don't know, chives or something so no one can smell the Temptations, the sweet, sweet smell of Temptations on your breath.

LIZ: Just eat some catnip, damn.

PAZ: A single Temptation would kill a Warrior cat dead. Be overwhelming.

JULIAN: God, they really are just like medieval peasants out there in the woods, eating their bowls of gruel. If they got a single bite of tender ocean fish dinner, they would just keel over.

LIZ: Don't they make like beggin strips or whatever for cats now?

JULIAN: Mm-hmm.

PAZ: Probably.

LIZ: You think like the Warriors have a little, little pot of catgrass? I don't think so.

PAZ: No.

LIZ: Everything out there's poisonous.

JULIAN: Well, at the fancy boutique pet bakery in my neighborhood, because of course there is one of those, they do have whole dried fish treats.

LIZ: Wow.

JULIAN: That you can give your cat, if you I guess don't care about having to sweep up after them.

LIZ: Wow.

JULIAN: We have never given one of those to Chickpea because I think she would-- it would be too much for her.

PAZ: No offense to Chickpea, but she doesn't seem to have very discerning taste.

JULIAN: No, no, she really wants Cheez-its.

LIZ: Aw.

JULIAN: She wants Cheez-its so bad.

PAZ: I can relate. I could go for some Cheez-its.

LIZ: She does look like someone who loves to crunch.

JULIAN: Today she knocked-- she loves to crunch. She loves to crunch, and I love to hear her crunch, so it's a win-win. Today she climbed on top of the fridge, again, to try to get the food that is no longer there because we moved it. And she knocked over like the 12 pack of Coke that was up there.

PAZ: Oh my gosh.

LIZ: Oh my god. Does she even weigh 12 packs of coke?

JULIAN: No. Well, there were probably like five or six in there. Um, but she tried to jump on it and then obviously her momentum-- she didn't have great purchase on top of the fridge, so it fell off. I just heard a clatter and came out, and she was looking very, um, you know cats do when it's like, oh I didn't do that. I'm the most distinguished.

PAZ: Kip goes up on the top of our fridge and knocks things over on purpose. He'll like look at me, and knock it off the top of the fridge.

JULIAN: Real Cloudkit. Real Cloudkit energies on that one.

LIZ: Kip's an atheist.

PAZ: Absolutely. Wow. Chapter 10.

JULIAN: Chapter 10.

LIZ: Wait, wait.

PAZ: Oh, yeah?

LIZ: No, just, what if we got one of those like, you know those YouTubes that are always like me making a gourmet cat-friendly meal for my cats?

PAZ: Yeah?

LIZ: We just gotta do that. And I don't know. I think that that has more pull than Temptations, maybe. It's like I made you cat sushi, or I made you like a cat cake.

PAZ: Are you saying that's what'll get Fireheart inside?

LIZ: I think so.

JULIAN: He's got discerning tastes is what you're saying.

LIZ: Mm-hmm.

JULIAN: He needs that raw meat.

PAZ: He does.

JULIAN: What even happened in chapter 10? I just have a note, Whitestorm is a good guy.

PAZ: That's true. Was he even mentioned?

JULIAN: Which is accurate.

PAZ: Was that him taking out the apprentices or something?

LIZ: I think so, yeah.

JULIAN: I think that's where I've, yeah.

PAZ: I've seen a lot of, I think Whitestorm X Tigerclaw stuff on YouTube. I think that's right.

LIZ: That is very funny.

PAZ: I love Tigerclaw's many exes. First Redtail. Now Whitestorm.

JULIAN: Well, I guess the reason we don't remember anything from chapter 10 is it's literally eight pages long.

PAZ: Yeah, it's real short. Fireheart tells Bluestar that there's nasty cats over at Twolegplace, but can't tell her that Tigerclaw is there, because he's like she just won't believe me.

JULIAN: Then they go on a little patrol and they go to RiverClan, and the river's flooded. Uh-oh.

PAZ: It sure is flooded.

JULIAN: I guess that's the downside to having your camp in the middle of the river.

PAZ: Yeah, I wonder if their camp's doing okay.

JULIAN: Yeah. Uh-oh.

LIZ: Oh boy.

PAZ: Uh-oh. I didn't even think about that.

LIZ: Whuh-oh.

JULIAN: I'm sure it's fine that Graystripe is on this patrol.

PAZ: Listen, one time he decides to do work is when he's like maybe I'll see my gf on the way.

JULIAN: God.

PAZ: Please, what are you gonna fucking do if you do see her?

LIZ: He's so annoying.

JULIAN: Well, he's gonna have a double date with Sandstorm and Fireheart and him and his gf and also--

PAZ: Running whoever. What's that guy's name? Runningwind.

JULIAN: Also Runningwind is there.

PAZ: Wow. Fifth wheel Runningwind.

LIZ: Well, maybe Runningwind will find his own starcrossed like cat romance. Triple date. Yes.

JULIAN: There you go.

PAZ: Perfect.

JULIAN: Runningwind slash, who's in... Stonefur.

PAZ: Oh.

LIZ: What do we call that?

PAZ: Runningstone. I'm Googling Runningwind. Don't Google Runningwind, Liz.

LIZ: I'm never going to get into that fucking spoiler channel. What's going on in there? I don't know.

PAZ: Runningwind stories Wattpad. "This is my spin on Warriors: The Prophecies Begin, just with a reader insert. I do not own Warriors. I only own the plot points I use." Oh, here we go. Redtail x Runningwind. Ooh.

LIZ: What?

PAZ: Tell me more.

JULIAN: Ohh.

PAZ: I'm intrigued.

JULIAN: I think this is literally the first time we've seen Runningwind say anything onscreen.

PAZ: Okay, this is someone posting on the forums, "I am utterly baffled by this ship."

LIZ: Well, them saying that makes me want to be like--

PAZ: Oh, fuck this person. They say, "I understand the trans Redtail thing, but I don't really like it. But I don't really care too much." Still, die.

JULIAN: Well, I don't care about you. I don't care about your opinion.

LIZ: Well, yeah.

PAZ: Your opinion is horrible.

JULIAN: And I think Redtail is trans. This is the first I've heard of this headcanon and I would now die for it.

LIZ: Redtail is trans and gay.

PAZ: We've heard of trans Redtail before. Yeah.

JULIAN: Have we?

PAZ: Apparently Redtail-- yeah, that was that one Youtuber's name.

JULIAN: Oh my god, right. It's the YouTuber. I'm sorry.

PAZ: Apparently Redtail was a male calico so yeah, trans Redtail.

JULIAN: Oh!

LIZ: Hell yeah.

PAZ: Just like Hadesclipse.

JULIAN: Just like Hadesclipse.

PAZ: Redtail likes Hadesclipse. This is my self insert.

LIZ: You're gonna have to fight Runningwind.

JULIAN: I guess Runningwind has been here before on screen. I just forgot about him. He helped train Brackenpaw back in Fire and Ice when Graystripe was once again not doing his job.

LIZ: He's just like a nice fellow.

JULIAN: Yeah, he's just a guy.

PAZ: I do not respect the person who made this forum thread at all.

LIZ: Yeah, get outta here, OP.

JULIAN: Uh-oh.

PAZ: Yeah?

JULIAN: I've read some stories or some spoilers for, uh.

PAZ: Yeah?

JULIAN: For later.

PAZ: Well, how bad--

LIZ: Wait, hold on a second. Wait. How come Julian gets to do it and not me?

PAZ: Because Julian's read the books!

JULIAN: Cause this is all shit that I should already know, I just don't remember.

LIZ: Mm. Hmm.

PAZ: Listen, once we finish the Power of Three, you can go wild, because that's up to where we got to. I don't know what we were doing.

LIZ: Chapter 10?

JULIAN: Chapter 10. The eight-page chapter 10. RiverClan is flooded.

PAZ: RIP RiverClan.

LIZ: Oh, sorry. Go ahead.

PAZ: I was just saying RIP RiverClan.

LIZ: I do want to talk about the one thing where Tigerclaw's telling Fireheart to patrol and then Fireheart is like, oh, he's too smart to be hostile to me in public. But he is, though.

PAZ: Right? He's already been hostile to you many times.

LIZ: He calls you a little bitch like every single day in front of people.

PAZ: For real.

JULIAN: It's like, you don't really need to set Fire-- or set Tigerclaw up as like conniving because he's already been conniving. We've seen him be conniving. Part of his connivingness is that he calls you a little bitch every day, and you can't do anything about it because he's the deputy.

PAZ: It's not like-- his whole posse calls Fireheart a little bitch. Fireheart got called a kittypet like two chapters ago.

LIZ: Right? The problem is that people don't care.

JULIAN: Fucking Longtail and Dustpelt.

PAZ: Yeah, and Darkstripe.

LIZ: One of those is like someone's brother, right?

JULIAN: Dustpelt is Sandstorm's brother.

PAZ: No, no, no, no, no.

LIZ: No, wait.

PAZ: They were just apprentices. He's, um, I think he's technically Ravenpaw's brother.

LIZ: Oh, right right right.

JULIAN: Is he?

PAZ: Or something like that.

LIZ: Someone is Ravenpaw's brother.

JULIAN: Oh, I just assumed they were siblings because they were...

PAZ: But it's like, not really--

JULIAN: Oh, you're right. He is Ravenpaw's brother.

LIZ: Wild.

JULIAN: And he's Longtail's half brother.

PAZ: Bitch.

JULIAN: Oh, he's such a little bitch because Darkstripe was his mentor.

LIZ: Duh.

PAZ: Oh. Sorry, I just saw a spoiler for the.... Oh man.

LIZ: These cats. I think that's it though for the chapters, right?

JULIAN: Yeah.

PAZ: Yeah. Sorry. Sorry, Dustpelt had a son.

LIZ: What?

PAZ: Called Spiderleg.

JULIAN: [snorting]

LIZ: You can't do that. What about a cat is spidery?

JULIAN: Peyton's gonna be so angry.

LIZ: Please.

PAZ: That's incredible. I'm clicking Spiderleg's wiki page.

LIZ: Wait, I think Dustpelt should have eight children, no, nine children, and they should all be like Spiderleg 1, Spiderleg 2, Spiderleg 3, until you get to 8. And then you should have one just be like Spiderhead.

JULIAN: Oh holy shit.

LIZ: And then they can stand on top of each other like a mech.

JULIAN: Dustpelt is also Birchfall's father.

PAZ: Oh.

JULIAN: Birchfall of the bad name.

PAZ: I bet Peyton hates Spiderleg too.

JULIAN: Yeah, I guess, uh. Well, whoever the leader is the person who gave the leg name because Spiderkit is... I mean, it's a weird name. But it's a fine one.

LIZ: Oh God.

JULIAN: Oh, I hate that the pixel art here is this cat is looking directly at me. Usually the pixel art, the cat is kind of like, you know, three quarter view, like looking off into the distance. Spiderleg? Looking into my eyes.

PAZ: Sorry, what? Here's a quote caption. "Spiderleg annoyed with Dovepaw when she talks about brown animals." What?

JULIAN: What?

LIZ: Hey, Spiderleg, you, hey, what?

PAZ: What? Brown animals.

JULIAN: [yells]

LIZ: What is that noise you just made?

JULIAN: [hysterical laughter]

PAZ: Hold on. Just gonna screenshot this.

JULIAN: [creaks]

PAZ: If my phone will let me.

JULIAN: Oh God.

PAZ: It all comes full circle.

JULIAN: It really does.

LIZ: [laughing] Oh my god.

PAZ: I clicked "brown animals," and it took me to the beaver page.

LIZ: What does it mean?

PAZ: "Friendly? No."

LIZ: What does it mean?

JULIAN: Beavers aren't friendly?

PAZ: No.

JULIAN: "Relation to clan cats. If provoked they're able to kill a cat with their sharp front teeth."

PAZ: Holy shit.

LIZ: Is that true?

JULIAN: That has never happened.

PAZ: I do not think so.

LIZ: Wait. [typing] Can beavers kill cats. [gasps]

JULIAN: Beaver versus cat.

LIZ: "Beaver attacks can be fatal to domestic animals."

JULIAN: [gasps]

PAZ: Holy shit.

LIZ: There's a whole Wikipedia page for beaver attack.

PAZ: I never would have guessed.

LIZ: Oh, you gotta see this beaver. You gotta see the beaver they use. Look at him, looking at you.

JULIAN: Oh.

PAZ: Oh no.

LIZ: What the fuck?

PAZ: He's so round. I'm so scared.

LIZ: Got his little paws together like [evil laugh] I will.

JULIAN: A beaver has killed a man.

LIZ: What?

JULIAN: Yeah.

PAZ: "Relation to clan cats." Oh, go ahead.

JULIAN: Um, I mean, okay, so this is a 60 year old guy who grabbed the beaver, to take a photo with it.

LIZ: Oh my god.

JULIAN: And the beaver bit open his femoral artery.

PAZ: Oh, okay, he shouldn't have done that.

LIZ: Yikes.

JULIAN: So it was like, you shouldn't have done it. Also, it was like bad luck. It just happened to get the femoral.

PAZ: Here's what the Warriors wiki has to say. "Relation to clan cats. Beavers are known to be both inquisitive with cats, but also aggressive if provoked."

JULIAN: Oh my god?

LIZ: Well, how many beavers are they gonna see in England?

JULIAN: There are beavers in England.

PAZ: Yeah, there are beavers.

LIZ: Have we covered this? This feels...

PAZ: I feel like we have, yes.

JULIAN: I think we have. There's beavers in the Narnia book.

LIZ: Aren't they like-- isn't it that like beavers have been recently reintroduced or something?

JULIAN: Yes, we talked about this because they were hunted for their fur to almost extinction, and then they made a big comeback.

PAZ: To kill cats.

LIZ: Good for them?

JULIAN: Good for them. Aw, this is one sleeping and he's all curled up into his tail.

LIZ: I'm just looking at the list of non fatal attacks on humans by beavers.

PAZ: Get 'em.

LIZ: While you say this. Goddamn.

JULIAN: Oh, this image is too powerful for Discord.

PAZ: Understandable.

LIZ: Can you screenshot it?

JULIAN: Oh, I just posted the link, because it's 6000 by 4000 pixels.

LIZ: Oh my god.

PAZ: Aw. Have you guys seen baby beavers? They are an incredible shape.

LIZ: Oh yeah. Mm-hmm.

JULIAN: Oh, I don't think I have. Baby beavers. Listeners, I hope you enjoy our animal googling. Oh!

PAZ: They're just such a good shape. They're so fuzzy. They're so round.

JULIAN: Oh, they're so fluffy. Oh, I highly recommend everyone to Google baby beavers.

PAZ: Yes, please. There's some good videos on YouTube, I think.

JULIAN: Yep. They're so small. This is from I Can Has Cheezburger, a site I did not realize was still on the internet.

LIZ: I don't think it can die at this point. I think it's an establishment, right?

JULIAN: Here it is. Their Facebook page is actively posting things as of 47 minutes ago.

PAZ: On Facebook?

JULIAN: There's a listicle about 18 cats demonstrating their cat logic.

LIZ: [groans]

PAZ: Tigerclaw voice.

LIZ: Tigerclaw voice, debate me.

PAZ: I'll destroy them with facts and logic.

JULIAN: Wow.

LIZ: Also sorry, on my search for can beavers kill cats, like the fourth result is just the beaver Warriors wiki page.

PAZ: What do you call a baby beaver? Kits.

LIZ: Baby.

JULIAN: Aw.

PAZ: They're kits, too.

LIZ: [laughs] Can I-- oh my god. Can I give you some suggested searches from this?

JULIAN: Yeah.

LIZ: Okay. One. "Are beavers venomous?"

PAZ: No, that's a platypus.

JULIAN: I understand the confusion, though.

PAZ: Yeah, they're a little similar.

LIZ: Two. "How to survive a beaver attack."

PAZ: Run.

JULIAN: Don't get bitten in the femoral artery and you'll be good.

LIZ: Three. "Beaver bite force PSI."

JULIAN: Now what is the beaver bite force psi? I'm very curious.

LIZ: Let me check. 180 pounds.

PAZ: Holy shit.

JULIAN: That's a lot.

PAZ: Well, I mean they have to bite hard to take down trees, I guess.

LIZ: Goddamn.

JULIAN: Yeah, damn.

LIZ: Compared to a human's 88 pounds. Good Lord.

PAZ: We don't have shit.

JULIAN: That's pretty strong on humans, too.

PAZ: Yeah, I'm not biting that hard.

JULIAN: No wonder my teeth hurt all the time.

PAZ: I don't have anything else to say about these chapters.

JULIAN: Yeah, I think we've wrapped up.

PAZ: I forgot to decide on something to talk about.

JULIAN: I mean, we did talk about beavers for quite some time.

PAZ: We did.

[meow]

JULIAN: I wonder if-- okay, I'm gonna do a quick Google to see if... beaver roleplay.

LIZ: Oh my god.

PAZ: Oh my god. Beaver kids book.

JULIAN: Oh no, this is Narnia roleplay. That's not what I want. Beaver roleplay Proboards.

PAZ: Oh shit.

JULIAN: Beaver [sighs]. Yep, here we go. I found-- this is on the Disney Roleplay World.

PAZ: Disney?

LIZ: Oh?

JULIAN: Yeah.

LIZ: Beavers in Disney?

JULIAN: This is an Angry Beavers RP.

LIZ: What?

PAZ: Oh my god, that show. You don't know that show, Liz?

LIZ: No?

PAZ: I think it was a Nickelodeon cartoon. It was like the era of like, Catdog and such.

LIZ: Oh.

JULIAN: Yeah, it's a band of outcast beavers trying to take over the world, or take over the woods, sorry, not the world.

PAZ: Why not the world?

JULIAN: Holy shit, this is dark. Um, they are the young Zachs family. The head beaver, Jason, catches Treeflower. Kate, who was with her, isn't seen, but finds her mother dead after Jason kills her to send a message.

PAZ: What?

JULIAN: Is there a way to bring her back or stop Jason? Fuck!

PAZ: I hope so.

JULIAN: Oh, it's so much to read this very intensive, um, there are lions here?!

LIZ: What?

PAZ: I don't remember that.

JULIAN: This roleplay includes lions and bears. It's a lot to see this really intensive moment where this beaver is facing down lions. And she's screaming for her uncle, Daggett.

PAZ: Oh yeah, I remember. Yep, that was the name.

JULIAN: "'Mama, Daddy, Uncle Daggy-Waggy,' she screams."

LIZ: Oh my god.

JULIAN: Also a lot to see, um... is this Tyler Posey? Someone's shooting a gun at me in the gif.

PAZ: What?

JULIAN: In this signature about beavers.

PAZ: What year was this happening?

JULIAN: This was posted in 2014.

PAZ: That is much more recent than I would have thought.

JULIAN: Yeah, it didn't get off the ground too far. Only about 10 posts here.

PAZ: I wonder why.

JULIAN: Oh, no, I'm sorry, there's four pages of this. I'm just kidding.

LIZ: Oh my god.

JULIAN: Yeah, the final post is, "'Kate, it's time for lunch,' Norb called to his daughter." So I presume they--

PAZ: They survived.

JULIAN: They dealt with the lions.

LIZ: They went to lunch.

PAZ: Man, Warrior Cats needs to step up.

LIZ: This is riveting.

JULIAN: These beavers have sofas? I never watched the cartoon.

PAZ: Oh yeah, they live in like a-- I don't remember exactly.

JULIAN: Little house?

PAZ: Yeah.

JULIAN: Yeah, no, Kate's mom fuckin died. Rip Treeflower.

PAZ: Wow.

JULIAN: I am kind of surprised but there hasn't been like a big sprawling story about a society of beavers.

PAZ: Yeah, they also are like communal animals. Are beavers not interesting enough? I think they're cool.

JULIAN: Wait, hold up. What was the Redwall book? Oh no, those were otters.

LIZ: An otter is just a beaver that hasn't been flattened at the back.

JULIAN: Because I was thinking of Taggerung, which in hindsight was I think a little racist. But that was about otters and not beavers.

LIZ: You know that--

JULIAN: Are beavers--

LIZ: Oh, go ahead.

JULIAN: Are they evil in Redwall?

PAZ: Are they in Redwall?

LIZ: Beavers?

JULIAN: Oh, there are no beavers.

LIZ: Well, when was Redwall written?

JULIAN: Redwall wiki. "According to Brian Jacques, beavers do not appear in subsequent Redwall novels to reflect the fact that there are no longer any native beavers in Great Britain."

LIZ: Well. Wait.

JULIAN: "The solitary beaver is the only beaver in the Redwall series and was very rarely mentioned."

PAZ: Holy shit. Who's the solitary beaver?

JULIAN: He stopped Cluny from climbing up the wall in the first battle of the Late Rose Summer Wars.

PAZ: I want to know more about this guy.

JULIAN: And he uses a crossbow. Damn.

PAZ: Wow, apparently beavers have like, mate for life.

JULIAN: Aw.

LIZ: Aw.

PAZ: Wikipedia doesn't have a fictional beavers page.

JULIAN: Why? They have a fictional badgers page.

PAZ: Maybe there just aren't many fictional beavers.

JULIAN: Oh my God. I know this is not a Redwall padcast.

LIZ: Padcast?

JULIAN: Padcast. But I have found a tidbit of Redwall lore that is blowing the series wide open. Bees can communicate in Redwall.

LIZ: What?

PAZ: What?

JULIAN: "Indicated by a statement at the end of the books where the guerrilla shrews learn to speak the bee language so they can trade and argue. This is not noted in other books."

PAZ: Holy shit.

JULIAN: That means that if bees can communicate, half of the animals eat insects. Are they eating sentient insects?

PAZ: Ahh.

LIZ: Horrible. I hate that. What if you're like, God, I don't know, like a bird or mouse or whatever, and you just like, eat a cricket, and it's just like, [tinily] nooo.

JULIAN: [very small] I have a family.

LIZ: Gruesome.

PAZ: This is a problem when you make all the animals in sentient societies.

JULIAN: Well, I feel like Redwall tried to handle it by making all the carnivores evil.

PAZ: I've never read Redwall.

JULIAN: Yeah, they make most of the carnivores, like-- which is its own problem because then it's like these species are inherently evil.

PAZ: They just did Zootopia. I mean, I guess Zootopia did Redwall, is what I should say.

LIZ: With cops? Does Redwall have cops?

JULIAN: Um...

PAZ: They have like soldiers.

JULIAN: It's sort of like a medieval situation. So they have like soldiers, and like, there might be like a sheriff or something. There's not like the police.

PAZ: There's only 21 pages in the fictional beavers category.

LIZ: That's so sad.

JULIAN: That's so sad. That feels--

PAZ: This is an undertapped market.

LIZ: They have architecture. They feel rife for like anthropomorph-- word I can't say. You know, when they become little guys with little houses?

JULIAN: Hey, children's book editors, hot new idea, fictional story about beavers, species of beavers. They're-- not species, family of beavers. Society of beavers. That's the word I was looking for.

PAZ: That should be the next Erin Hunter endeavor.

JULIAN: Right? I guess maybe the concern is, while they do have a society and they do have little hands and they do build things, they don't attack each other and kill each other?

PAZ: That's true. No, but they're very territorial. Maybe they do.

LIZ: They can attack and kill us. That's gotta be something.

JULIAN: That's true.

PAZ: They probably have fights.

LIZ: Maybe it's like the next, you know, great civilization is one of beavers and they've got to fight the humans or something.

JULIAN: There you go.

LIZ: Terrible remnants of the last one.

PAZ: Beavers inherit the earth.

JULIAN: There was a beaver dam in the creek at home, and they were-- they did a lot. They really dammed up that creek.

PAZ: Yeah, they work hard. Okay, if Erin Hunter was to make a beaver series, what would it be called? So the bears one is called Seekers. I think the canceled dog one was like...

JULIAN: No, that's the Africa one.

LIZ: Designers. Planners.

JULIAN: Architects. Builders.

LIZ: Constructors. Oh, Creators.

JULIAN: Oooh.

PAZ: Ooh.

LIZ: There's also Devisors, which sounds a little, you know.

PAZ: Oh, that sounds like they'll be like little wizards.

JULIAN: Yeah, I like Devisors.

PAZ: Devisors is real good.

JULIAN: Survivors is the dog series.

PAZ: Oh, Devisors is a little close to Survivors. But I think it's still very good.

LIZ: Artisan.

PAZ: I want little wizard beavers.

JULIAN: Right? They're so ripe to be little magic guys. Little magicians. They got their little hands.

LIZ: I feel like every other creature that's vaguely in the shape of a beaver, which is like kind of a brown egg, has gotten that treatment already. Like, you know, badgers, which they're not really brown, but they're eh. Porcupine. I feel like I've definitely seen more porcupine than beaver.

PAZ: Yeah. Why are beavers so underutilized?

LIZ: Otters. Capybaras.

JULIAN: I don't think we've done capybaras.

PAZ: Friends at the Table has done capybaras now.

LIZ: I think someone's done capybaras.

JULIAN: I mean, maybe there's a children's book.

LIZ: Moles. Voles.

JULIAN: That's just Redwall.

PAZ: Yeah, those little guys are Redwall.

LIZ: A raccoon isn't brown but it does have little hands and is about the same shape, and they've definitely done those.

PAZ: There's like Sly Cooper, yeah.

JULIAN: Yeah. Ranger Rick.

PAZ: Justice for beavers.

LIZ: Let the beaver have its moment. It's basically like a water clan, right?

PAZ: Yeah.

LIZ: Okay, there should just be like a direct lifting of all the Warriors clans into just like beaver clan, badger clan. That's like--

PAZ: This is just Redwall. We're just reinventing Redwall with beavers.

LIZ: No, there's more than one beaver, because they've returned to England.

PAZ: You're writing Redwall fanfiction.

LIZ: I can make this an Arthurian beaver.

PAZ: Yeah, the beaver is Merlin.

JULIAN: Guinebeaver.

LIZ: Who's gonna play young hot BBC beaver Merlin?

JULIAN: Do you mean Beaverlin?

LIZ: Yes.

PAZ: You know, that might do it for us. I think we're-- [laughs].

LIZ: When we hit that 420 goal.

PAZ: Thanks everyone for listening to our podcast. You can find the show at Stairway to Star-- no, it's just, you can find the show @staircast on twitter.com. You can now support the show on Patreon at patreon.com/staircast. You can email questions or anecdotes or yell at us about talking about beavers too much, stairwaytostarclan@gmail.com. Um, next week we'll be reading chapters 11 through 14 of Forest of Secrets. I guess that's about it. So until next time, may StarClan light your path. Bye.

LIZ: Bye.

JULIAN: Bye.

[outro music]

LIZ: My God.

JULIAN: Oh.

LIZ: Hey, did you know beavertails are a kind of donut?

JULIAN: Oh, like a food?

LIZ: Yeah.

JULIAN: I was like, I thought you were talking about like a mathematical donut for some reason.

PAZ: Wow.

LIZ: That's me. I love to talk about math.

JULIAN: Like a torus. Anyway.

[writing-in-mermish]

have y’all read The Maiden Without Hands, because it is absolutely WILD

So the story starts out talking about this miller who is poor and getting poorer by the second. At this point, all he has is his mill and an apple tree out back.

So this old dude shows up and is like, “why work so hard for nothing, if you give me what stands behind your mill I’ll make you freaking rich.’

The miller, who has no genre savvy, is like, “yeah, sounds good.”

So the old guy gives him a creepy look and says, “sweet, see you in 3 years to pick up what’s mine.”

the miller goes home, his wife’s confused about all the riches they suddenly have, but he explains.

“don’t worry, I met a stranger in the woods who said he’d trade me what’s out back for all of this, so It’s all legit, we just need to give him the apple tree.”

His wife, who is genre savvy, sees the mistake instantly.

“That was obvs the wizard you fool, and you def just gave away our daughter who was sweeping out back. What is wrong with you?”

The daughter, who clearly takes after her mother, then prepares for the wizards visit. She cleans up (like next to godliness clean) and draws a circle of white chalk around her and waits. and before we have time to marvel at how cool she is or why she knows how to do that, the wizard shows up.

The creepy wizard is no match for our magical girl and her chalk circle and skin care regimen. 

Pissed, he commands the miller to remove all the water because her cleanness means he has no power over her (is he a dirt wizard? like what are these rules???) The miller for some reason listens to him instead of trusting his BA daughter and wife, and gets rid of their water.

next day, He still can’t touch her because her hands are clean from weeping on them. So he freaks out again and tell the miller to chop off her hands. This time he stands up a little.

���how can I cut off my own child’s hands?” he says.

the wizard responds, “with an ax.”

jk jk, he threatens to take him away instead. And I will not understand WHY this man decides to listen to him instead of just asking for his daughter’s help. Clearly she knows more powerful magic than this wizard, why not use it? Maybe he isn’t pure enough like her or maybe he’s to prideful, or maybe he’s just a fool. whatever the case he does what he’s told and chops. off. his daughters. HANDS. (which she complies with, because she won’t disobey her father! I hate it here.)

But when the wizard shows up on the 3rd day, he still can’t take her because she cried over the stumps and made them clean too. and because he lost 3 times I guess, he just has to admit defeat and leave.

can someone call whole man disposal services, because this father is TRASH! and were the hell is her mother?! did she die? I thought she would support her child, but she’s out of the picture. this bothers me, but we need to get back to the rest of this, because it get stranger.

So the father is like, “thanks for dealing with all of this, I’ll adore you forever.”

but she finally stands up to him and says “I gotta go my own way.” explaining that it’s not safe here and she needs people who will give her sympathy.

the father is sad, but lets her leave into the sunrise. (straight up, the text says she left into the sunrise.)

She ends up in the royal pear garden, starving, but unable to reach the food because of a moat. so she prays and a “guardian fairy” appears, who parts the water so she can get to that sweet sweet fruit.

the fairy hangs out (secretly) and the girl eats one of the pears while it’s still hanging on the tree.

see ma, no hands! (sorry, I’ll see myself out)

the gardener saw this, but was freaked because they thought she a ghost. so the girl goes to sleep in some shrubs, and has a nice rest.

The king shows up and counts his pears (like a weirdo) and notices one missing. then asks his gardening, “what the frick?”

the gardener tells him about the pear eating ghost, to which the king responds, “but ghosts can’t cross moats.”

Then the gardener explains about the fairy but says “it must have been an angel.” and so he was too scared and the ghost left after eating only one pear.

So the king makes him swear to secrecy (like he was going to tell people) and says he’ll watch tonight. (are you confused why this king is so invested in his pears? well good news, so am I)

so he, a priest, and the gardener lie in wait (with a go-pro) for the spirited duo to appear. at midnight, the maiden shows up to eat another pear, but the priest interrupts her to ask what she is (rude). and she gives this killer line

“Ah, me! I am no ghost, only a poor creature forsaken by everyone but God.”

which the king replies to with his own beautiful response

“You may be forsaken by all of the world, but if you will let me be your friend, I will never forsake you.”

So they go to the palace and eventually fall in love, he gives her a pair of silver hands, and they get married. a year later the king goes to war and leaves his bride with his mother (dun, duuun, duuuun!)

the queen has a kid while he’s away and the new grandma sends a letter to inform her son.

ha, you thought she was evil? nope. instead the messenger gets tired and the wizard shows up (look, a through line!), switches the letter while he sleeps, saying the child is a changeling, and the messenger goes on his way.

The king reads this, is distraught, but sends back a letter just saying that his wife should be well taken care of till he returns (what a legend).

but the wizard intercepts this message too, saying the his mother should kill the queen and her child.

But the mother is also having none of this, and sends a letter back, asking him to explain himself.

So the wizard keeps intercepting letters, and changing them to ruin the queen’s life, finally saying they should cut out the child’s tongue and poke out the queen’s eyes. but the kings mom doesn’t suck, and won’t harm them, but has decided that her son has lost it and they should run away before he gets back. there is a lot of crying.

She gets lost in the forest and starts to pray, when she gets up, boom, a cottage!

a sign says it’s a safe place, and then a woman comes out and welcomes them in. she addresses the queen by her title, takes the baby and puts it to sleep, then the queen is like, “how did you know I’m the queen?”

the woman explains this away says she’s a good fairy sent to care for them. and she does. they stay there, and because the queen is so good, her hands grow back, like a freaking lizard.

when the king gets back, his mom chews him out, he is obviously confused, she shows him the letters, and he begins to cry. she sees that they were tricked and tells him that they still live, but left to avoid dying at his hands.

he then vows to go to the ends of the earth for her, and that he will not eat or drink till he finds them (which he even admits might kill him so I don’t know why he included that part).

He traveled the world for SEVEN YEARS, and didn’t find her and worried that she had staved to death. I would wonder how HE didn’t starve to death, but he was sent “heavenly help”, whatever that means.

Eventually he finds the cottage, and while he is reading the sign the good fairy takes him by the hand and says “you are welcome king, but why are you here?”

He explains that he’s been looking for his family for seven years and asks if she can help.

so she makes him sit down, have a meal, and go to bed, and he is so tired that he complies. then she covers his face and goes to get the queen and her son, Painbringer (this child is the only person with a name and I don’t know how to deal with this choice)

The queen is obviously distraught, and questioning if she even still loves this man.

as they go in the covering falls off his face and the queen asks Painbringer to cover it back up. but hearing her voice, he shifts and knocks it right off again. so she says, “cover your father’s face.”

and he’s like, “I don’t have an earthly father, God is my father, this man is a stranger.” (sick unintentional burn kid)

then the king wakes up and the queen introduces herself and Painbringer.

“You look and sound like my wife.” he says, “But my wife had silver hands.” which you know what? fair.

she tells him they grew back, he reasonably doubts this, but the good fairy comes out with the silver hands and he like, yeah that’s them. and goes and embraces his family, ecstatic that they are reunited at last.

The fairy makes them dinner before sending them on their way. They reunite with the kings mother, and she’s super happy everyone is back. and then they renew their vows and have a wonderful life together.

it’s so wonderful that it makes up for all the nonsense that wizard (or demon?) put them through.

[konako]

So, what do we think happened to the Bertinelli mansion? Like, has it just sat there for years? Is it still in the Bertinelli family name, or has Gotham taken ownership of the property?

That’s an interesting headcanon to explore! 

I haven’t done my research on the comics or on the logic of Gotham City, to safely guess the canon answer to this, but we can always imagine the many options.

Maybe it sat there for years, abandoned, closed-off to the public, a haunted house of sorts, a scary tale that people tell wrong (not ALL of the Bertinelli Family died there, after all). Maybe teenagers try to explore it, like teenagers do, but the property is heavily guarded and not everyone can come in. Maybe Helena makes a trip there, after she works up the courage to face those ghosts. Maybe it’s the closure Harley was talking about so much, that she desperately needed in order to properly heal. Maybe she goes there alone, maybe she brings someone. Maybe she has a panic attack there, on the very room that it happened -- maybe she feels nothing anymore, because this was another life, one she doesn’t recognize.

Maybe it was demolished, and it’s now an open field, with wild flowers and some scattered rubble covered in weeds. Maybe, even then, it doesn’t make it any easier for Helena to return. Maybe she buys the land, and plans to turn it into something different, something to replace that memory, maybe a statue, maybe a memorial, maybe a small chapel. Maybe she leaves it as it is, renewed by nature, untouched by man, like the hole her family left in her hear, never to be filled again.

Maybe some rich people bought it and built a senseless structure there. Maybe an office building, maybe a shopping mall, maybe something that wickedly represents the indifference of society to her tragedy -- to the destructive properties of greed. Maybe it fills her with anger to know it, maybe she vows to take revenge on the rich, in another way. Maybe the apathy is long settled and a part of her, that it doesn’t bother her anymore.

Maybe, however it is, she buys it, and gives it to the Birds, for their new house/headquarters. Maybe, it’s her chance to turn her pain into something lighter, and use her tragedy as a mean to add something good to the world -- even if she’s beating up people to do it. 

[akirakan]

Sony’s Universe would work much better if they focused on legacy heroes

Unless you’ve been living under a rock the past weeks, we all know that Spider-Man is not going to show-up in the MCU anymore. Sure, they could arrange a new deal, but for the moment, forget about seeing him again alongside The Avengers.

Sony is very likely to integrate him into their own cinematic, Sony’s Universe of Marvel Characters (SUMC), and do at least a soft-reboot, with the same cast but ignoring the events of the MCU. They already kick-started their little universe with Venom, with it’s sequel coming and Morbius starring Jared Leto, as well as the announced Black Cat, Silver Sable, Silk, Dusk, Nightwatch, and (*sigh*) Jackpot. Although, from all those announced, god knows how many will actually enter production (Silver and Black, Sinister Six, anyone?), specially now that they have Spidey all for themselves, he’s very likely to take priority. They’re very likely to continue with more spin-offs entirely focused on Spider-Man villains.

Okay, so honest question: outside of maybe Black Cat, Silk and maybe Silver Sable, does anyone really care about the others? Do you even know who Jackpot and Nightwatch are? Did Sony ever looked at Leto’s track and didn’t noticed that his only financially successful film is Suicide Squad? Does anyone really think that a universe build with villains turned into heroes as the leads is feasible?

If the answer to most of those questions is no, then you can see that the SUMC is heading to disaster. Sure, Venom was success, but let’s face it, building your cinematic universe on a “so bad it’s good” base is really shaky.

Sony is not entirely lost, however. They still have plenty of heroes. If there’s something that has characterized the Spider-Man mythos the past decade or so (I would go even further, to the 90′s and the clone saga) is the expansion of the Spider-Family. The aspect of legacy has been heavily played-up since the introduction of Ben Reilly, and the introduction of more diverse heroes with rich backstories, and (in most cases) independent from Peter Parker, opens a huge door for Sony to exploit. It’s much better having a universe where Spider-Man pressence is felt instead of awkwardly having Spider-Man villains headlining the universe with no Spider-Man on sight.

So let’s call this, The Spider-Man Legacy Universe, Phase 1.

Miles Morales - Spider-Man

I won’t even bother to explain him. I know you all saw ItSV. And if you haven’t, go watch it.

He would be the main face of this potential universe. He is THE Spider-Man. He would be slightly older in here, already being Spider-Man fo a few years by now, to show that he has more experience than all the upcoming heroes. Gwen would be introduced as the new girl at school, but she has her own agenda,

Mayday Parker - Spider-Girl

The daughter of the true Spider-Man! She’s Peter’s and MJ’s daughter, whose powers kicked-in when she entered high school. Her origin could be done fairly quickly: she’s Spider-Man’s daughter. There you go. Introduce villain.

Though, this would work to give more of a backstory to this world. Peter’s fate, for instance. He didn’t die in his last battle with Green Goblin. He was, however, incapacitated. He still lives a happy life with her wife and her two daughters. Yes, I said two.

At least in this version, I would introduce both of them. Annie being younger like in the earlier Renew Your Vows series, she would be the younger sister of Mayday. And no, she doesn’t have powers... yet.

Anya Corazón - Araña

Objectively speaking, the best superhero of all time (okay, I might be a little bit biased on that. JUST a little bit ;)). Anya Corazón is a mexican-puerto rican brooklynite who one night was caught between two warring factions: the Spider Society and the Sisterhood of Wasps. After almost dying during the attack, the mage of the Spider Society, Miguel, uses a ritual to save her, kick-starting her powers. After that, she becomes the hero Araña and fights alongside the Spider Society, at the same time that she tries to discover the dark side of the organization and other secrets, like what or who is inside the bunker...

This one would introduce mystical aspects into the universe. Kinda like being the Dr. Strange equivalent, introducing concepts such as the Web of Life, The Other, and, therefore, the Spider-Verse. This concepts would be key moving forward with the next heroes...

Kaine - Scarlet Spider

Kaine “Parker”, after living a miserable life as a failed experiment and seeing his brother die, he ultimately dies... before inexplicably coming back to life. He retires to Dallas where he tries his best to live a normal life. However, being a Parker means that you will always be dragged to something. And so, after encountering a young immigrant girl almost at the point of dying, he suits up once again and reclaims his place as the Scarlet Spider.

More exploration into the concepts introduced in Araña and a look into the Clone Saga, which will also spawn stuff.

Flash Thompson - Agent Venom

Flash as Venom is best Venom. There, I said it. Former bully of Parker, later one of his best friends, and #1 Spider-Man fan. Has been operating for years as a government agent after being disabled since his time in the army. Ex-husband of Felicia Hardy aka Black Cat, and father of Felicity Thompson Hardy, now a coach at a Philadelphia high school.

We take a little break from the more Spider-centric narrative into the symbiote world. As well, the more worldwide adventures of Flash would let us see the rest of the world in a post-Spider-Man era.

Jessica Drew - Spider-Woman

A former CIA Agent, she now works as a private investigator alongside her partner Lindsay McCabe. Everything seems normal until one day she’s contacted by Parker Industries (!) for a special mission related to her past. She’s gonna have to suit up again in order to discover more about herself and get her bread.

Similar to Agent Venom, more worldbuilding and we see the existence of more organizations and factions within. I would also like to throw in Ultimate Jessica Drew as a potential partner, but would need more development to see if it isn’t too convoluted.

After all the establishment, we get a team-up movie where all this heroes meet for the first time, and I’m gonna leave this here. There’s already hints about heroes around, without going overboard like certain other failed cinematic universes had (Dark Universe, TASM). The most important thing is to not rush things and take their respective development. Focusing on the legacy heroes shows how important Spider-Man truly is in the world, and that’s what they should aim for.

[ad1thi]

four weddings and a funeral

this is very very fluffy, and then very angsty you have been forewarned 

--

@theavengays Stars, this is for you

--

1.

The first place they get married is Amsterdam.

Tony shows up in a three piece suit to Edwards, and finagles with Rhodey's superiors until he gets extremely annoyed and simply says "If you don't give Private Rhodes leave, I won't give you anything"

Things go pretty smoothly after that, and Rhodey is on the jet within the hour. Tony crowds him into the sofa, straddling his waist and whispers, "Lighten up sour patch we're getting married," before nipping at his neck

Rhodey's so surprised that he forgets to be mad about Tony using his considerable leverage and tugs on Tony's chin until he's facing Rhodey completely

"Say that again," he says softly; not letting up his hold until Tony sighs and starts talking

"Netherlands legalised same sex marriage yesterday. We're getting married sour patch"

Rhodey moves his hands until they're intertwined in Tony's hair; tugging softly and leaning up to capture his lips once, twice, a thousand times because they're getting married

Tony's still laughing as he spreads him out against the couch, to keyed up to shift them to the bed, but he looks up at Rhodey with such unabashed fondness that Rhodey doesn't even try to shut up- just focuses on turning his laughs into gasps and moans

Later, when they're curled up in each other- limbs entangled; Rhodey moves his chin from where its resting on Tony's head and says "that's a horrible way to propose, I want a re-do"

Tony turns to him, eyes bright and replies, "What makes you think this is your first wedding?"

and Rhodey laughs until he gets a stitch; and spends the rest of the journey showing Tony just how much he loves him

--

2.

When news reaches Iraq that Massachusetts is the first state to legalise gay marriage, Rhodey cashes in all his pending leave and gets 10 days off.

When he touches down in Logan, Tony is already there- and the jet is covered in heart shaped decoratives.

"You realise that we aren't flying anywhere right? We can't fly around Boston and rappel down in MIT, we're going to normal way; by bus"

Predictably, Tony shudders against him; and turns to Rhodey with his lip jutting out "Please don't subject my derriere to public transport, I'm too rich for this"

He nips at the offending lip and whispers, "Don't worry- you can sit on my lap"

They pull it off splendidly, a bit of slurring and swaying and everyone is convinced that Tony is just drunk and overly physical- instead of sober and just affectionate with his husband

They get married at the chapel just outside MIT, and the pastor knows them well enough that Tony doesn't even have to buy his silence

Rhodey allows himself 10 minutes of close contact with his husband before they keep careful distance; just because Massachusetts has legalised it doesn't mean DADT isn't still in effect

The distance lasts until they make it to the penthouse suite, and Rhodey slams Tony up against the door; latching onto his neck immediately and rubbing the back of his palm against his hardening dick

"Happy honeymoon husband," he breathes against his skin before dropping to his knees, and Tony just moans in response

--

3.

The day DADT gets repealed, Rhodey goes up to General Macweather and says, “I’m gay.”

To his credit, General Macweather just blinks and says, “so you’ve been fucking that Stark boy?”

Rhodey bites down all cutting responses and nods once, “Sir as I understand it, its pretty normal to fuck your husband”

General Macweather just raises a single eyebrow, and Rhodey is genuinely terrified that the general can hear his heart pounding

“I assume you’re here to ask for leave,”he says finally; and Rhodey just about holds in a sigh of relief

“Sir yes sir,” he says and spreads his legs slightly so he’s standing in parade rest

“You get 7 days off at the end of the month,” General Macweather says, “but if, and only if you hold off telling your squadron for another week.”

“Sir?” this time Rhodey doesn’t keep the bite out of his voice

“Pipe down Lt, there’s been a poll going around the base ever since Washington started making noise about Don’t Ask Don’t Tell and I stand to lose a good 3k if you come out this week”

“You’ve,” Rhodey’s throat is dry, “you’ve been betting on my sexuality Sir?”

“The whole damn world knows you’re gay Lt Rhodes, you only got to spend 5 minutes around you and that Stark boy to know he’s got you wrapped around his pinky finger”

“Now keep your trap shut and don’t cost me three thousand, and you can leave at the end of the month to go marry him all over again”

There’s a brief second before he’s dismissed, but Rhodey can feel the weight of their secret pulling him down every second he’s not near Tony. There’s this newfound urgency now that Don’t Ask Don’t Tell has been repealed, this newfound desperation to let the world know that Tony is his

He touches down in New York, where Tony has temporarily relocated so that he can fulfill his desire to build a massive Tower and fuck up the Manhattan skyline forever, and he doesn’t even think; he gathers Tony in his arms- wrapping Tony’s legs around his waist and slants his head up to kiss him

He’s barely aware of the cameras and the media and the insane amount of coverage this must be getting; too caught up in the feeling of Tony against him, pressing smiles on his lips

“Lets get married,” he whispers, setting Tony down and pressing their foreheads together, “lets have a huge crazy society wedding; marry me again Tony Stark”

and Tony kisses him and says, “Always”

--

4.

After Carol brings him back from Space, Rhodey can’t seem to leave Tony’s side. He’s been through the routine of losing Tony so many times that its almost an old trick, but Rhodey couldn’t stop thinking of all the nights he’d had to wake Tony up because of this very nightmare and there was some finality to it that terrified him

He uses any excuse to touch Tony, to hold his hand, to balance him by placing his palm on the small of his back, to curl his arms around him on the couch; until one day Tony snaps

“I’m not a fragile doll!” he yells and Rhodey’s arms are stretched out in an aborted motion to hold him that Tony’s slipped out of, “so you need to stop treating me like one”

They stay like that for several seconds, Rhodey on the couch with his arms outstretched, and Tony, standing, with his arms crossed against his chest in defiance

“I can’t - ” Rhodey wets his lips, “The six months you were in Space were the most terrifying six months of my life. I need to touch you, to remind myself that you’re still here”

Tony’s gaze softens, and he comes closer to press a delicate kiss on the corner of Rhodey’s mouth

“You know,” Tony murmers, “its been about 20 years since our first wedding? What do you say we go full camp and have a vows renewal ceremony?”

**

Its a small affair, and Tony debates whether or not to call who’s left of the Avengers; but he’s not seen Steve since he collapsed in front of him in a fit of rage; and his wedding didn’t really seem like the time to rehash all that

They call Happy and Pepper, and Pepper’s eccentric uncle Morgan because Tony absolutely adores him; and the whole thing is over in 30 minutes

They kiss and everybody throws flowers, and if Rhodey turns away to hide his tears in the crook of Tony’s neck; nobody says a thing

They’re lounging in the backyard, neck-ties pulled off and sleeves rolled up- lazily exchanging kisses when a black sedan pulls up

Steve and Natasha step out, and Tony tenses against Rhodey

They’re with Scott Lang, who everybody assumed had died in the Snap, but somehow survived and now has this crazy time travel idea

“Wait wait wait,” Rhodey says, looking up at Scott from where he’s sitting, “Are you telling me that your idea of time travel is based on Back to the Future?”

Scott nods, and Tony doesn’t even try to suppress an eye roll

“The answer’s no Cap, I’m sorry”

Steve sighs, “Tony I get it, and I’m happy for you, I really am. But this is a second chance?”

Tony looks up from where he’s curled against Rhodey’s chest, “I got my second chance right here Cap, can’t roll the dice on it”

Later, after they’ve left, Rhodey turns slightly and says, “It would be nice if your spiderkid were here for the next one”

“The next what sugarplum?”

“The next wedding. We’ve had about 4 now and we’ve never really had everyone attend. It’d be nice, get the whole family together; really celebrate us”

Tony just hums, “maybe for our 25th anniversary. We’ll get Pepper go wild”

--

+1

They never have a fifth wedding

They never reach their 25th anniversary

There’s a thrum of power that surges through the battlefield, and the aliens froth and blend into the sky, dispersed into the wind; and even before he turns Rhodey knows what’s happened

He knows as he pushes the boots off the ground, soaring across the battlefield, looking; until he sees Tony- sagged against a boulder

He’s bleeding from his temple, half his body is charred, and there, clasped in his right hand; is the infinity gauntlet- frozen in a snap

He sets down lightly, flipping up the faceplate and bending down so he’s at eye-level

Tony’s eyes flail for a couple of seconds, glassy and unfocused until they zero in on him

General Macweather had once told him, Son, the battlefield is no place for tears, so Rhodey just smiles, cups Tony’s face as best he can and says “Its okay, you did good Tones”

Tony’s lips move ever so slightly, and his voice is barely a whisper, “love you,” 

and Rhodey watches as the lights fade out of his eyes, and his chest rises and falls for the last time, and his head lols back

Rhodey watches, as his husband dies; and only once Tony’s body collapses within itself- falling against Rhodey; does Rhodey let himself cry

All around him, the men and women Rhodey has fought alongside, kneel

They kneel for their saviour, for the man who sacrificed everything

but Rhodey just cries, clutching onto his limp husband’s body like it will somehow bring him back to life

Fin

[divagonzo]

Knight’s side Bishop - Ch. 5 of Beloved

Ao3 // FF.net

A/N: My thanks to those who are reviewing and reblogging. ‘Tis appreciated.

In light of having ace followers, this is a T-rated version (and you can find the full one on Ao3) for those lovelies who find adult physical activities less than amazing. *wink*  (Cripes I forget who I need to tag for this update) How about @barmy-owl​, @headcanonsandmore​, @vivithefolle​, @lytefoot​ and I dunno who else.

Give me my demarcation line

Audrey held two cups of tea, one fresh and one tepid. The day-old scones, freshened up slightly for crème tea were her second favourite for breakfast but in this case, anything was better than nothing. She bumped the door with her hip to quietly slip into the room and froze for a moment, thinking that everything went sideways in the last ten minutes.

Hermione was laying her head under his hand, crying. "I can't lose you. I need you. We need you. You have to come back to me, to us." Hermione took his other hand – pale, yet scarred from the brains from the Department of Mysteries so many years ago – and threaded his fingers one by one through hers, using his hand to pillow her cheek on top of his blankets. "You promised me, Ron. You promised me six months and four days ago that you'd never leave me, and to always return to me. Those were part of our vows to one another, you insisted since how important they were to you to have them included. You said our vows had to include them, as your promise to me. I told you it wasn't necessary but you said it was to you, that you insisted on it, even going so far as to promise an Unbreakable vow. I knew you meant it and how serious you meant it."

Audrey took a deep breath, realizing that their entire world hadn't yet gone sideways. It was Hermione finally coping with the grief in her soul. Merlin knew she'd stuffed so much down in her soul already and this was only a small portion she kept locked away inside.

Audrey put down her parcel and paper cups of tea down, content to listen and keep watch while Healer Cattermole took her kip. She could work and focus on the notes in her satchel and not pay too much attention to Hermione lamenting her situation.

While what she was doing was blurring the ethical lines between personal and professional, she owed it to the junior healer more than the distraught witch sobbing into the starched bedclothes. She could answer to Director Sinclair later on if there was an issue. But she would cross that chasm if she came to it.

Audrey opened the file to look over Ron's medical notes. Healer cipher was easy to discern since it was based on Greek and Latin. "Healer Cattermole was right," she thought to herself. "It's a huge balance. Not long enough and he's disabled the rest of his days. Too long and he doesn't wake." Audrey made a couple of notes on the margins about complications and consequences and treatments. She added that they shouldn't try to wake him until Wednesday evening, almost 3 full days after he was brought in. From her previous patients from the war, anyone who was awoken before the 3-day mark was left permanently handicapped and two were in the Janus Thickey ward because of it. After six days and the patient wasn't going to wake at all. That list was over a hundred after the fighting ended. Those were some very dark days, the first week after Voldemort perished.

There was no way in Hell she was going to share that knowledge with anyone remotely related to Ron.

She looked up from her notes and saw Hermione asleep on the blanket, softly snoring. Let her sleep¸she she might be grieving, no one else mattered at the moment except Ron. The lad in the bed, whom Audrey had come to appreciate in the last few years for how much a foundation he was with the family, and also the steadfastness that they all somehow depended on to continue living after losing one of their own, was the focus. Yet she also knew that it was a roll of the dice when it came to whether he was going to pull through this. Even if she believed in luck and burning incense and praying to her ancestors, she wouldn't put a galleon on whether he would come through. And while she knew that it was a critically poor prognosis from all of the medical notes, if anyone could pull through this ordeal and survive the worst, it was the one in the bed, clinging to life and potions to hopefully help him heal, surrounded by passionate people who loved him immensely, to pull him out of his ordeal.

She hoped. The brain was the last frontier in the medical field. There were no guarantees he would even wake.

Audrey looked up from her notes and saw Hermione lay her head down on his hands, weeping into the blanket covering her comatose husband.

'You're home!" Hermione leaped up from the oversized chair she curled up in to read in the evening, a table for her tea next to her along with a stack of books knocked over. "I wasn't expecting you until tomorrow night!" She snuggled up next to Ron, giving an enormous hug. He immediately stiffened under her crushing hug.

"You're hurt."

"Somewhat but I've been cleared by a Healer. I'm off duty a few days and if you're game, I'd love for you to take a day off to spend it home with me."

"I will," She hugged him again, inhaling his particular scent, mixed with some healing balms, sweat, dirt, and some residual smoke. She pulled back a smidge and felt his hands caressing her face and back of her head. Long fingers threaded into her loose curls up under her evening bonnet before melting into a much-awaited kiss, renewing their vows of promises of return, of accepting however he returned, asking no questions until he was ready to share if he could. And if not, giving him anything he needed to open up to her, even if it was with a particular form of non-verbal communication that they loved sharing.

He pulled back one inch, placing a gentle kiss on her nose and forehead before capturing her lips once again.

Two tears leaked out, washing down her face and across his lips.

"I missed you too, love."

"You were gone so long, too long without you."

"I know. The bugger was moving every night and it was sod all trying to track him down. While he escaped, we also captured his partner and released a dozen muggles they had trafficked in from Morocco. Between that and some contraband potions that were highly dodgy, we broke up a major criminal ring."

"How did, I mean, um, "

"How did I get hurt?" His smile was infectious and Hermione smirked back. "Well, Jones and I were dueling Dolohov – "

"You saw him? Antonin Dolohov?" Hermione blanched.

"Yeah. The two finest duelers in the department and we couldn't take him down. Bugger nailed her but I'd tripped him right before he got his spell off, she wasn't hurt bad. Sure it's enough to make her sore and angry for the next week – "

"You mean?"

Ron laughed. "Well, when he tripped, he nailed her right on her arse. She got hit with a massive stinger and it was like getting stung by a Firecrab. I tried to apprehend him when she went down but he escaped, the bastard."

"And you're hurt because – "

"Well, he'd nailed me with a curse earlier."

Hermione gave him a dirty look. "How bad did he hurt you?"

Ron looked down at his feet. "Well, it's not a big deal, but it felt like someone knocked a bludger into my wedding tackle."

"Oh honey," Hermione hugged him again, patently avoiding the front of his trousers. "I know you're in agony."

"I was. It was almost as bad as catching your boney arsed knee in the bits."

"I'm not that bad!"

Ron smiled down at his wife. "Yeah, you are, especially at 8 am after I've been asleep for 2 hours and you shift to get out of bed after a lie-in."

"I don't mean to," She cringed and Ron laughed again.

"I know, love, but you do anyway. It's a barmy way to wake up from a good sleep." Ron smiled down at his lovely wife. "So if you're looking for some fun tonight, I'll be happy to take care of you but I dunno if my cock will be up for the task."

"Well," Hermione dropped her eyes a bit, tinkering with the belt holding up his trousers, "Maybe a hot shower and some tender loving care will change your mind?" She looked up at him and saw his eyes had grown wide and dark.

"Are you offering, love?"

She reached for his hand, her face blushing hard, pulling him towards the stairs leading to their loo.

Give me my demarcation line

Director Gawain Robards sat back in his ancient chair, the springs squeaking under his girth. "Merlin's saggy bits. Quit begging me for information. I know you're married but I'm not breaking mission protocol to tell you where he is."

"Do you really think I am going to tell anyone?"

"It's not about you. It's about rules for everyone. You probably can keep your gob shut but Smythe? Get him pissed on Firewhiskey and he'll natter all night to Hannah at the Leaky and every sodding bloke who barters in information will be rich – and my Aurors will be dead. So I'd love to let you in on everything but – "

"Rules are rules and for everyone," she lamented. "Well, these rules are crap."

"And I agree but protecting the Aurors out on a mission is paramount. Even you realize that. Do you think Jones likes going away from Aurora and not telling her? She makes you look like a piker when it comes to worrying."

"Rubbish," Hermione crossed her arms while regarded the grizzled Auror Director. Gawain Robards was considerably older than most in the Ministry, having survived both wars and somehow still trusted. "I know Professor Sinestra. She is nothing short of a walking example of a British upper lip."

"You've never gotten a firecall at 3 am from her then. She's ripped my bollocks off me wondering where Hemera was, why she was late returning."

"And yet with all of us honorable people, we still can't be afforded information to know where our partners are at." Hermione stood on the other side of the desk, appearing as a 1.6m towering ball of impotent rage. "This is bullshit, Director."

"I see Weasley's finally rubbed off on you. Good. But that's the thing about rules, Granger. They aren't in place for the honourable people. Those who are find it stifling. The rules are for the ones with little common sense, who would natter about sensitive information to any walking cock and blow investigations or give a tip to someone who is under surveillance.

"We still have a few Death Eaters in the wind, stirring up trouble and causing problems. That is who I send the best out to hunt down." Robards gave her a long, non-blinking look. "So any information that would be shared outside of me and the Aurors in question could have deadly consequences. That's why I am not telling, and why your worries are legitimate but also under mission orders, from me and Kingsley himself."

"Well it's crap."

"I'll take your opinion under advisement."

Hermione picked up her purse and satchel. "So maybe he'll return by the end of the month?"

"It's the 2nd of the Month, Granger. He's only been gone a week."

"I know. I'm asking whether I need to work long hours while he is away."

Give me my demarcation line

Their home was quiet - entirely too quiet. Harry was at work. Ginny was off at Holyhead. Ron was on day 3 of his mission. The fire crackled and her tea steamed for the fifth time. But the house was cold. She was cold. Her world was subdued, like someone turned down the color in a photograph from full color to sepia or even greyscale. Work was satisfying but it wasn't her life. Even the enormous grumpy fuzzball known as Crookshanks, asleep on the footstool by the fire enjoying the warmth, too, was the only real colour in her life. Nothing tasted good and she barely slept, missing his snoring and long arms around her when they shared sleep.

No, her life was off somewhere, on a mission she wasn't privy to, trying to track down the remaining criminals who were responsible for the coup years gone by.

This wasn't the first night she was left home alone while everyone else was out living, working, flying. And it probably wouldn't be the last one, with Ginny flying for the Harpies and Harry and Ron working with the Aurors. But it wasn't like she was going to beg him to stop working in the job he seemed naturally suited to. She shared so much pride in him finding an occupation that he seemed brilliantly suited for.

Soft footsteps drifted to her ears behind her.

"Miss Hermione, is there anything you need this evening?"

She pointed to the plate of croissants and jam on her plate, her dinner when everything tasted like chalk and mouldy cheese, much less sleep. "I wish Ron were home," She said wistfully. "But I don't think you can make him appear right now."

"Well, Miss Hermione, I could fetch Master Ron for you." Hope erupted in her chest. She wouldn't need him long – only 5 minutes to snog him breathless and just know down to her bones that he was alive, healthy, and whole. Maybe she could sleep tonight if she just knew he was fine instead of worrying herself sick. "Kreacher can do that for you." The diminutive elf looked upon her with his watery green eyes, droopy ears, the well-tailored trousers held in place with suspenders and his cravat, emblazoned with the letter B on it and waited.

Ever since he chose to work for Harry for wages and choose his own livery, he had perked up, seemed to grow confident and even taking to being almost polite to her. Almost. She did catch him muttering under his breath on occasion, usually when she was being short-tempered. She took the time to make amends to him later in some way that he appreciated. The last one was finding some old photographs of Regulus Black in the archives. That photo was on the wall of his small room, the one he chose off the kitchen.

Would his appearance compromise mission safety if he showed up at the wrong moment? Would Ron get hurt if he showed up? Face an inquiry? Made redundant? Decisions tossed back and forth in her mind, one as important as the other. A decision erupted in her mind, one that would suffice.

"Kreacher, would you do the following? Would you ask Ron? If he says he is busy, then no. I miss him terribly but not to risk their mission. I know you can apparate silently and that would help him and you."

Kreacher departed in a lightning crack, leaving Hermione alone in the parlour, curled up in the chair by the fire, Crookshanks asleep on the footstool in front of the fire, staying warm, while she waited as each second ticked by on the clock in the foyer.

Tick, Tock, Tick, Tock.

She turned to stare at the ancient grandfather clock at the other end of the parlour. It had been in the attic, banished decades ago, according to Kreacher. Harry thought it would be useful once Mr. Weasley fixed it to show their own family – the five of them under the roof, along with Luna and Neville. That present had been a gift from Ron – Kreacher's own arm on the clock, either at home or Hogwarts, and one minuscule location known as the Hog's Head – since Aberforth had taken a liking to the wizened elf and kept half-pint mugs on hand for him – and a few dusty bottles of elf made wine.

Tonight was one of the many nights where she wished that bloody clock had been relegated to the rubbish pile or left in the attic.

A sharp crack exploded across the parlour, frightening Hermione up from her chair. Kreacher, still looking rather dapper, stood before her, his ears hanging down along with his proboscis nose. "Master Ron says he can't leave, that it's too important. And in his words, Kreacher blushed, or what passed for blushing for him, 'Don't believe I don't want to come home and give it to you. I do.' Those are the words he used, Mistress Hermione."

Hermione swallowed down the salty tears that flooded her nose and throat. "Thank you for asking, Kreacher. I appreciate you taking the time to ask. I will see to the dishes if you wish to retire for the night."

Kreacher stood up a little taller – which was not quite 1 meter in height – and straightened his suspenders holding up his dapper trousers. "Master Harry has paid my wages this week and Aberforth has asked that I come to visit him this evening." He made a noise which she had learned passed for a laugh. "But if you need me," he croaked.

"Yes, I will call for you straightaway. Have a good night, Kreacher. Enjoy your half-pint."

"Good evening," He croaked one last time before toddling away to the kitchen doorway, another lightning crack telling her that she was now utterly alone in the house, not including Crookshanks.

Hermione looked at the footstool and saw it empty, too. Crookshanks had left when she wasn't looking, either plodding down to the kitchen to eat or to chase the vermin that infested the second basement. No matter how hard she tried, various bugs and rodents made their way into that damp space. That was the only downside to having a shared home in central London.

She looked at the tome in her hands, something dry and related to work that she couldn't be arsed for the moment, not when she was completely alone in the enormous home the five of them shared. She couldn't even ring up her parents, not after the last exploding row she had with her mum a fortnight previous.

She looked at the small table and saw her forlorn croissants and jam. She cringed, the thought of that meal making her gag. Hermione pulled her wand from her curls and pointed it towards the other table, a silently accio towards the basket containing the takeaway locations in their neighborhood. Like most nights when she was home alone with no one else to share a meal with, she put it back down, sighing to herself. She replaced the book in her work satchel, locked down the fireplace for the night and slowly walked up the stairs to the second landing, going to bed at half seven without her dinner or her lover.

Give me my demarcation line

Hermione raised her head with a start. "Audrey?"

The older witch stopped packing her satchel. "I was about to leave to do my rounds. Do you need anything?"

"No, I don't think so. Something woke me, I think. Did I doze off?"

"I do think you took a kip. You were pretty quiet for about half an hour." She glanced at Healer Cattermole and saw her put her nose into her parchment – a Healer sign that they weren't paying attention. "You were crying earlier and I think you cried yourself to sleep."

"Well, um, I might have," Hermione lifted her face up and rubbed it, moving the bonnet around on her hair and showing a few escaped curls. "I am exhausted."

"Well, if you need me, I'll be around the hospital. I have rounds to do and patients to check on."

Hermione gave her a pointed look. "I need my husband awake, healed and completely healthy."

"We're working on it." Audrey collected her satchel along with her purse and went over to Hermione. She gave a hug and whispered words of encouragement and she left, leaving Hermione with Healer Cattermole.

Mary stole a glance at the couple on the other side of the room. Maybe Mrs. Granger-Weasley would settle in rather than acting as an impatient owl. She put her head back down to continue writing.

Quill scratching on parchment was the only noise in the room. Healer Cattermole was writing up what ideas she had for saving the patient and how much risk it was for potential infections, for recovery and therapy to help him if he woke, and how long that might take. The senior healers were glad to have some ideas from the Muggles and how they could help their patients they couldn't heal straightaway. Anything to help the patient without harming him was all on the table. But now it was still a wait and see.

A harsh hiss broke the silence of the room. Healer Cattermole looked up and saw Hermione collecting her small purse. "I, uh, um, I need to run home and change clothes. I'll be back shortly."

The young healer nodded. "I'm on duty until 8 pm." She turned her head back to the parchment, continuing to scribe additional ideas.

"Thanks," Hermione bustled out the door.

Time ticked by and Healer Cattermole continued to work, listening to the even breathing of Mr. Weasley in the bedclothes.

Sometime later, she looked up to see Harry return, followed by Mr. and Mrs. Weasley. "How is he?" Harry asked softly, not to disturb Mrs. Weasley who was tending her son in the bed by adjusting his blankets, rubbing his feet and hands with what appeared to be some sort of lotion and moving his legs in what appeared to be a bicycle movement. Arthur unpacked her large tote, bringing out more potions and lotions and a pillow for Mrs. Weasley. He placed it gently in her chair before returning to her side, looking down at his son and surreptitiously wiping his face occasionally.

"He's not moved since he was placed in the bed, according to my notes," Healer Cattermole looked past Harry and grimaced, "Well, he's not moved on his own since he was put in the bed."

"Notes?"

"Yes, sir," she looked down some to avoid his harsh stare. "Healer Reeves stayed with him while I caught a kip. She said she wanted me alert today so I did as she instructed. When I returned, she left. Mrs. Weasley-Granger left a little after she did, saying she needed to run home and change and would return." She looked back up at him and he tried to smile and failed, instead looking vexed. Worry creased her face in discomfort. "I am a junior healer and I have to follow any Healer's instructions, especially when they will offer an hour's rest."

Harry finally was able to smile. "I know Healer Reeves pretty well, too, professionally. We have to do what she tells us, right?"

The junior healer sighed in relief. "Yes sir, we do."

"It's odd that we didn't pass Hermione or Audrey in the lift or downstairs," Arthur spoke up and Molly silently shrugged. "No matter,"

Harry took a seat in the plastic chair on the other side of the room, facing the door. Some habits were hard to break and having his back to the door was the worst one. But then he didn't expect the worst to happen since it already had, putting Ron in the hospital bed teetering between life and death.

"I think I'm going to go home and change too, and maybe check-in at the office before returning."

"I'll stay with our sons," Molly looked across the room at Harry, too. "I won't leave them alone today."

He felt a rush of affection for Mrs. Weasley for her comment. It still boggled him from time to time how his adoptive family actually liked him and wanted him around.

Harry went to the side table and reviewed all of the potions there, along with the script on each one signifying what he was taking. Nerve regeneration potions, blood replenishing potions, an ampule of clear liquid sealed inside a glass vial, strong pain potions, and two bottles of skele-gro. Harry put the paper down, unread, and really looked at Ron under all of the bandages and protective padding.

"Well, I'll, um, I'll be back at lunch, then, and then after dinner. I can stay the night if you want to go home and sleep." Arthur came over to hug Molly from behind, whispering soft words into her ears and only for her ears. Harry averted his eyes, seeing the ones whom he cherished in a moment of intense intimacy, almost like walking in on them. He didn't look towards his surrogate parents, not while they were having a somewhat private conversation.

The door crashed open and Harry had his wand pointed at the door before Arthur could lift his head. George stood there looking haggard and disheveled. "I came as soon as I heard," he told them. He bent over, huffing and puffing, holding his side like he had a stitch.

He looked at Harry and watched him keep his wand trained on George. "Tell me something that only I'd know."

"Harry!"

"Either tell me or you're going to have a bad headache while in a holding cell at the Ministry."

"You're the reason why the git got new robes his sixth year."

Harry dropped his wand instantly, feeling mortified at following protocol in a hospital room.

Molly toddled over to hug her son fiercely before she let go, letting her husband get a hug in too.

"How bad – " the words got lodged in his throat, looking gaunt. Dark shadows hung under his brown eyes and his clothes looked as if he slept in them. He probably had yet again.

"He's pretty bad. It's stable but it's a wait and see."

"Fuck," he said half-heartedly. He looked up and saw Harry standing on the other side of the bed, looking forlorn. "On duty?"

"Unfortunately."

"Did you do it?"

"George Weasley!"

"No, it's fair he asks." Harry shuffled his feet. "And no, I didn't do it but it still happened while I was with him."

"You're always there when something happens. Why?"

"Hell if I know, George."

The two men shared a long, hard look before George turned away. "So what is wrong with him?"

"Head injury," Molly spoke up first, dabbing her eyes yet again. "They did some barbaric muggle surgery on him to save him but he's like this. They said they will try waking him later today. But if he doesn't wake, it's a race. If he doesn't wake shortly, he – " her voice broke into a gut-wrenching sob.

"They said if they can't wake him soon enough, he might never recover, or wake. But if they wake him too soon, he could be disabled permanently."

"Fuck," George spoke under his breath. "Why him?" George turned on Harry, a few inches shorter but with ingrained anger at the world. "Why did he get hurt? Everyone aims for you. Why him?"

"A walking knob ended excuse of MLS officer cocked up. So blame me if it helps you feel better, but I didn't do it."

George acknowledged Harry's explanation before he turned back towards his brother in the bed. "He looks like a half-wrapped mummy." He huffed. "Brilliant," he said to no one in particular, "the first time in three years I get a weekend off because this prat was gonna cover for me – "

"George!"

" – and he goes and gets himself hurt. I wonder who I made crackers in the universe to make this happen to me again."

"This isn't about you, George. It happened and – "

"I know, Mum," George yelled before muttering sorry under his breath. "I'm complaining and this sucks and I can't cope. Cut me some slack huh?" George turned back to Harry. "You know, I don't want him looking like Moody before he's 25. Maybe you can suggest he retire or get a desk job, huh? Not like I want the tosser sharing space with Fred before I do."

"George Weasley!" Arthur's face was bright red. "That's enough." A sob erupted. "Quit upsetting your Mum."

"Fine," He made his way to the door. "I'll be back later." He stormed out, leaving the door open to the hallway.

"Arthur, why - " Molly's words echoed out from her husband's chest.

"Do you remember how you were after Gideon and Fabian were murdered?"

"Yeah, I do. But after Ginny, I got over it."

"And it took how long?"

"Few years," she muttered. "But – "

"It's only been a few years. This is hard for him. We should give him some distance on this."

"Last time we did Percy had to take him somewhere to dry out."

"Well he has more help now," Arthur saw Harry standing quietly, distracted by the side table of potion vials. "Harry, you know he doesn't blame you for what happened."

"I know but it still bothers me," he shrugged. "Anyway, I'll manage better once Ginny arrives."

"Did you owl her?"

"Well, no. I figured Hermione did."

"Well, we didn't owl her. We did let Fleur know but she's home with the kids since Bill is in Madagascar for the Bank."

"Bugger," Harry grimaced. "I better owl her or firecall the Harpies office to let her know. Last time I checked, they were on a tour of the Far East right now. I dunno if she will be able to take emergency leave. You think we should tell Charlie?"

"I think he needs to know, even if he can't come home because of the expense."

"You stay," Arthur came over to give Harry a much-needed hug. Arthur pulled back, looking slightly down at Harry through his glasses. "I'll see to contacting the others, including Bill. I'd be more comfortable if you were here keeping Molly company while I was away." Arthur quietly left the two behind, to see informing the others.

Harry looked over and saw Molly pull out a skein of wool and set her knitting needles to work. She was immediately engrossed in what she was doing – reading the Daily Prophet and glancing every so often at her work. He'd been in this world 12 years now and seeing how she could multitask using magic always put a smile on his face and warm his heart.

Harry pulled a rigid plastic chair to the side of Ron's bed and sat down, trying to find a comfortable spot before giving it up as a bad job. He leaned in while using his wand to silently spell the area around Ron's bed into a cone of silence, keeping Molly from knowing what he wanted to talk about.

Some habits never die.

"Ron, I should have listened to you. I should have put a stop to the entire mission once I realized Trowbridge was brought on. Damn," He ran his hands through his hair before smudging his glasses, making the person before him even blurrier. "Why didn't I listen to you? Why did I just let things slide again." Harry ran his hands through his hair and fought down to anguish in his heart.

"I fucked up real good this time."

[mrsspidermanmaryjanewatsonparker]

Amazing Spider-Man: Renew Your Vows #19 Thoughts

Previous thoughts here.

Possibly the best issue of RYV!

 The only possible exception would be issue #5. The latter embodies the core concept of the book the best, but this issue is perhaps the issue best laser targeted for the primary audience of the book. Peter/MJ shippers.

I’m wondering if Houser even did this story with a total awareness of that fact, hence she literally set the story on a ship!

I think if you were ever still on the fence that Houser gets the characters, this issue should ultimately sway you.

With the last arc Annie, in her new status quo as a teen, was something of a blank slate Houser could mould as she desired.

And whilst there are challenges to that it also allows for a lot of leeway and freedom

This issue presented a different challenge for Houser because she has to make characters with decades of development that define who they are ring true. And whilst you’d think this would be easy because there is a road map for you to follow, the various shitty takes on both Peter and MJ over the last decade prove that that is not true.

Houser seemed to have a good grip on both characters in her opening arc of course but those issues were burdened by defining the new status quo and Annie within it from Peter and MJ’s eyes, whilst also being about Annie as one of the tritagonists.

This issue is about Peter and MJ together with Annie very much in the background so this was more the issue for Houser to demonstrate her take upon the characters.

And by God she passed with flying characters.

NOTHING in this rang untrue to who Peter and MJ are, to the point where if you tweaked the story it could’ve happened at any point during the marriage or even now.

What I also appreciated is that, again using the politically incorrect term here, but Peter wasn’t played as something of a Beta the way he was in the prior arc.

He and MJ are very much equals here but the moments wherein MJ is more assertive are simply true to how she’d act in that situation. For example where she tells Peter to let his anger go at the rich couple on the ship but rage quits herself at them later. THAT’S MJ! Even the ending when Peter is singing her praises are totally in character and she returns the compliment to him too. And what those compliments are, again, strikes so true to who these guys are. Peter finds social stuff harder than MJ, MJ finds it hard to but uses a mask to deal with it, and both are enamoured with another.

Going along with the equality between the characters, is that we get the same insight into their heads and again everything rings true. MJ is practical in her decisions and prioritizes the need for down time whilst Peter is sarcastic about their problems and financial straits.

And by the way that montage at the start leading into their vacation was great, it contained a healthy mix of super hero problems (green four armed Venom apparently), domestic troubles (MJ’s work) and something in between (super powered kid breaking the sink). I’ve said it before but THAT is what Spider-Man should be and what this series has consistently done well. Another fine example would be the funny scene where they wear spandex in a sauna. That’s classic Parker Luck! As is having to rescue the people who derided them in costume and looked down on them for their money situation out of costume.

Something else really worthy of praise is that Houser nails the conversations between Peter and MJ. She strikes a good balance between making the scenes dramatic but down to Earth. They aren’t dwelling on melodramatic soap opera troubles like this was the Silver Age but it is nevertheless endearing, and it’s something she’s been nailed since her run began.

The super powered plot wasn’t exactly impressive, but it also isn’t really the point of this specific story. This is an aside story, the super power stuff is used to reinforce the normal life stuff that is the point for this story, to be a microcosm of Peter and MJ’s marriage in this universe in a sense. In that sense the resolution being fairly simple doesn’t bother me like it did in the last arc.

One final point of praise, Koblish’s art gave me the vibe that he was making the characters...a little sexier than normal. Which adds up, this is a pseudo Honeymoon for them and they are the main leads here, not Annie, so you can skew a bit more adult.

Now there are some flaws with this.

·         I somewhat question leaving Annie with the X-Men. Lets put aside how X-Men history is chock full of their mansion being wrecked. Mutants are a massive target for violence and bigotry and always have been and the X-Men are the most famous mutants ever. Heck the X-Men arc had their home invaded and several of their members murdered. Is it really realistic that Peter and MJ would leave their 8 year old there? I mean...I guess yes considering they already risk her life as a superhero anyway.

·         Scott Koblish is an...improvement(???) over Stockman and Roche....maybe. To be honest his character models are good but the line work seems unrefined and kind of...fuzzy...which is true for Roche and Stockman to be honest. Gone are the days of Stegman nailing things.

·         As much sense as it makes to do a Peter/MJ focus story after we got an Annie focus arc last time, making it a flashback to the status quo fans initially liked and that we moved away from just 6 issues ago makes the decision to time skip at all rather redundant. It hurts the optics of choosing to do the time skip if you see what I mean...the fact that this is maybe the best issue yet (and definitely Houser’s best issue) doesn’t help.

Over all this was a wonderful issue and the best Spider-Marriage/PeterxMJ shipper story to happen since OMD!

A-     !!!!!!!

[pangolinheart]

Fainting Spell

I finally finished my gift for the Dragon Age Valentine’s Day Event! I was paired with the wonderful @mizunderstood2136! I decided to write a fic about her Inquisitor, the beautiful Aurelia Trevelyan, and her LI Cullen! I hope you enjoy it! (Auggie can’t write romance and she is sorry @_@)

Title: Fainting Spell Rating: General Pairing: Cullen/f!Trevelyan Prompt: “You fainted, straight into my arms. You know, if you wanted my attention, you didn’t have to go to such extremes.”

From the outside, the Inquisition ran like a finely-crafted Dwarven mechanism. Like most Dwarven mechanisms, however, the hours of labor needed to create and maintain it were taken for granted. Someone needed to carve out the gears, test the weights, assemble the pieces, oil the hinges, and so on. Likewise, someone in the Inquisition needed to recruit new blood, gather intelligence, scavenge for materials, deal with local politics, and, if there was time left over, seal a few rifts. All too often these tasks fell to the Inquisitor.

It had been weeks since Aurelia had last gotten a full night’s sleep. She catnapped when she could, catching a few winks under the shade of a tree or in a quiet corner between duties. The fatigue was taking its toll. She had been so exhausted on the trek home from the Emerald Graves, where they had been sent to deal with a particularly nasty nest of wyverns, that she had leaned on the Iron Bull for support most of the way. Dorian had continually suggested they stop and rest, but Aurelia just wanted to be home. When was the last time she had slept in her own bed? When was the last time she had seen Cullen?

She thought back to the last time they had been alone together; lying  side by side on his bed, sunlight filtering through the rafters. “You work too hard,” He had murmured, calloused hands carding through her hair. “As if you’re in a position to lecture me,” she had mumbled, turning her face into the junction of his shoulder. Cullen had simply sighed, though his lips twitched into an affectionate smile. Aurelia had mirrored the sigh, and together they had counted down the minutes until the next commitment would take them away from each other.

Any hopes of spending a few quiet hours with the Commander upon her return were dashed almost as soon as she passed through the gates of Skyhold. In her absence, tasks requiring her attention had piled up. Cassandra intercepted her immediately to discuss reports of Venatori activity in the Hissing Wastes. The quartermaster presented her with a list of supplies the keep was running low on, and a list of possible trade alliances they could pursue to obtain them. Josephine had no less than five political maneuvers for Aurelia to approve, and as the Inquisitor she was expected to oversee a trial for a man who had been caught selling Inquisition secrets to Orlesian bards.

It was after the last chore on her laundry list of duties that Varric pulled her aside by the arm. “Hey Firecracker. Good to see you made it home in one piece. Listen, some new scout handed me these reports to give to Curly. Do me a favor and hand them off to him? I’d do it myself, but you know how busy I am.” He shoved the reports into her hand and winked, disappearing into a throng of passersby before she could reply. She wasn’t sure if she would have protested or thanked him. She lingered in the great hall for a few minutes longer to make sure that no other matters required her immediate attention before slipping off towards the battlements.

As exhausted as she was, she took the steps two at a time. The thought of seeing her Commander’s pleasantly surprised smile was enough to renew her vitality. The vigor with which she threw open the door to Cullen’s study made the dozen recruits clustered around his desk jump. Cullen glanced up from the parchment laid out in front of him, ready with a stern word, but upon seeing her his expression melted into a warm smile. “Inquisitor,” He greeted, though the warmth in his deep voice gave the title all the intimacy of a first name, “I’ll be with you in just a moment.” Ever the professional. Aurelia grinned back in acknowledgement and eased the door shut behind her. She settled against the wall, clutching the files Varric had given her to her chest as she waited for Cullen to finish his briefing. She came dangerously close to falling asleep there. The study was warm, and its familiar scent made it feel like home. The sounds of solders’ voices drifted in and out, becoming increasingly difficult to discern. She felt like she was floating. Her mind drifted to Cullen – to his rough hands that touched her so softly, to the scratching of his stubble against his chin as they embraced, to the warmth and safety of his arms around her, to the sound of his heartbeat as she lay curled on his chest.

Clanking armor pulled her from her reverie. Her eyes blinked open, though she didn’t remember having closed them. The men Cullen had been instructing were now shuffling towards the door with their orders. Aurelia pushed away from the wall to properly greet her lover and…. Oh no.

The sudden movement made her head swim. Her vision telescoped, narrowing to a pinprick of light before cutting out together. “Aurelia!” she heard Cullen call, seemingly from far off in the distance. She heard more than felt herself hit the ground. And then… nothing.

Coming to felt like waking from a nap. She almost forgot what had happened until her eyelids fluttered open. Staring down at her was Cullen, his golden eyes clouded with concern. “Thank the maker,” He breathed, heaving a sigh of relief that she could feel through his armor. She realized then that she wasn’t lying on the cold stone floor as she had expected, but rather on Cullen’s lap, his arms around her, her head against his breastplate. Her thoughts were still fuzzy, and all she could think was that she had ended up exactly where she wanted to be. “Hey there,” She purred, snuggling even more closely against him.

Cullen stared down at her, dumbfounded.

“I brought you some reports,” She offered as an explanation.

Cullen blinked as he processed the words. “Never mind those. They can wait,” He said, waving a hand dismissively at the pile of papers scattered across the floor. “You realize you fainted? I almost wasn’t fast enough to catch you.”

Aurelia giggled. “I fainted right into your arms. How romantic.”

Unable to contain a smile, Cullen chuckled as well, though there was an edge of nervousness to his laughter. “If you wanted my attention, you didn’t have to go to such extremes.” He quipped, bringing his forehead to rest against hers. “You scared me. Are you alright?” “I’m fine,” she assured him. “Just a little tired. It’s been a long week. Well, more than a week.” A conspicuous yawn demonstrated this. Cullen seemed unconvinced, and she reached up with one hand to stroke his cheek. “I missed you.” “I missed you too,” Cullen said quietly, covering her hand with one of his, soft leather against skin, and drawing it down to his mouth to place a gentle kiss to the back of it. “I always miss you when you’re gone. I worry about you.”  The distress behind his words was heartbreaking. She couldn’t help but sit up and wrap her arms around his neck. He had lost so much, and she had vowed to never become another of the things that were taken from him. “You don’t have to worry,” She promised, kissing his cheek. “I always come back.”

Cullen sighed, tightening his grip around her. “I do. What we – what you do is dangerous, and I’m not fool enough to believe otherwise. But,” he paused “I trust you. Just… promise me you’ll take care of yourself. Fainting into my arms is one thing but fainting while facing down a dragon is entirely another.”

“Is that your official recommendation as my advisor?” Aurelia asked teasingly.

“It is.” Cullen pulled back from their embrace to look at her in a parody of his stern expression. “I also recommend immediate bedrest, and humbly offer my quarters for that purpose.”

Aurelia truly laughed this time. “Alright Commander, I’ll honor your request. On the condition that you join me.” The dark circles under his eyes had not escaped her. She knew he worked almost as hard as she did, and what sleep he did get was fitful and fraught with nightmares.

And, of course, she wanted to remain in his arms a while longer.

Cullen’s hand paused in stroking her hair and his thumb to rubbed appreciative circles on her cheek. Then, without warning, his lips were on hers, warm and inviting. The kiss was short but heady, communicating all the things he had trouble conveying to her. “As the Inquisitor wishes,” he murmured against her lips, and she felt the smile there, though she could not see it.

She kissed him back, this time longer, savoring the sensations that flooded through her whenever their lips met. She nipped playfully at his bottom lip and a mischievous grin darkened her features. “And maybe when the Inquisitor wakes up she’ll have some other wishes you can attend to.”

Cullen chuckled, dark and rich, “It would be my pleasure.”

Their third kiss was interrupted by the banging of the abused office door as it flew open. “Commander! I have the reports on progress of fortifications in the Frostback Basin!”

Cullen’s face shot up and he affixed the young scout, clearly unprepared for what he had walked in on, with a glare that could melt stone. “Get. Out.” He growled through gritted teeth.

The scout’s face paled by several shades. “Yes sir! I – uh – sorry sir! I’ll, er, bring these by later. I mean, tomorrow. Sir.” Almost as quickly as he had appeared he retreated to the safety on the other side of the door.

Aurelia barely restrained another fit of laughter. “I think you traumatized that poor recruit.”

Cullen grunted and shrugged. “He’ll be fine. This lot could use some more discipline anyways.” His smile returned to his face and he stole a final quick kiss before pulling away. “Now, lets get you to bed. I think we both deserve some rest.”