#maybe the pain is cathartic lol

[lockandkeyhyena]

do NOT read hurt no comfort fics at three am!!!! nothing supernatural will happen but you will be VERY sad and not be able to sleep

[eybefioro]

Weekly fic rec, by yours truly...

The wind stills ruffles our hair, still shakes the leaves of the trees. The world keeps on spinning. People still walk on the streets, still keep on their routines. We share old stories, old photographs, old memories. We offer each other a hug, even if it can only do as much as wave the cold away. Sometimes, that warmth is what we need to sooth the aching lump in our throats. Sometimes, it just makes it hurt more, but we need it all the same.

I was living my life like normal, until I saw this post. I wasn't prepared to have the ground shattering beneath my feet.

The Ordinary World, by Anti_kate

Rated E, ~24,8k words

My tags: intense, cathartic, beautiful

Summary:

He couldn’t quite remember what Aziraphale smelled like anymore, the particular combination of fresh bread and sea salt and cedarwood, the caramelized sugar of crème brûlée. But even though he couldn’t remember the scent precisely, he knew the bookshop didn’t smell right. It didn’t smell like Aziraphale. It was as if he’d never been there at all. Aziraphale disappears the night of the bookshop fire, and Crowley is left alone and grieving. But death is not always the end.

Hm. This fic spoke to me in such a level. Cut me deep and dissected my feelings in such a way that I didn't expect -- so I'm sorry in advance. This will get a bit personal, and I don't know to which extent everyone can relate to this story, and to which extent is me projecting my own experiences.

So, this can be a particular experience of mine, but I don't see many stories dealing with grief. In the movies, TV shows, books, etc. that I've watched and read, it's an uncommon theme. I find that interesting because even if it is different for everybody (and if every time it hits differently), everyone experiences grief. In the same way that everyone dies, everyone also feels the pain of grief.

We see characters dying and characters suffering for it, but the grief per se is uncommon. And I think that's because it happens a lot in one's head, it's not a linear process, it's complex and painful, and it's never the same. It doesn't even end. We never really stop mourning. We go through our days, and the grief is with us. We work, and it sits by our side. We laugh, and it warps its arms around our shoulders. We cry, and it constrict our voices. We eat, and half of it goes to its belly. We walk, and its weight slows us down. We learn to live with it, we grow around it, but that hollowness is always there, never fulfilled again.

And this story taps into that so well (for me, at least). It describes so well the sense of loss, the sense of emptiness, the absence that lingers. How everything hurts, how it feels for the world to end, and nothing changing. For it to end and people still being the same, doing the same things. For it to end, and for you to confront the fact that it means nothing, really; you still, somehow, have to keep going, you, somehow, are still alive. The world ended, nothing changed, and you still have to breathe.

All that is left is your memories, and they aren't even the same anymore. You can't exactly remember them, but your body does. You get assaulted by them. You get haunted by the ghosts of the people you lost -- you can hear their voices on the back of your mind, you can feel them on their words, on the things they owned, on the things they did. You listen to a song and BAM! there is their ghost singing those lyrics, hoping to that rhythm, a memory that you didn't know you still had. Their ghosts haunt you. But they're gone. They don't exist anymore, only being alive in the past; only still in the memories, in memories that, more often than not, will die with you and cease to exist when all that's left of you is the memories on other people's heads.

We see Crowley go through that. We see him hurting like we (maybe *I*, lol) hurt. We see his suffering upon losing Aziraphale, and how he hurts himself trying to stop hurting, and unfortunately, the hurt is inescapable. He sacrifices a lot to get answers, to try to get close to Aziraphale again -- and what wouldn't I sacrifice only to be able to hug the people I lost ome more time...

But the good news is that he can get Aziraphale back. And he does. The plot is amazing. The descriptions of how he does that and the twists are amazing. This fic is so poetic, and the ending is so beautiful. Reading Crowley getting Aziraphale back was incredible, especially after seeing (experiencing, really) the hurt.

I love how the author wrote this story, their prose is beautiful. Haunting. I loved every bit, and I felt so seen, hugged by Crowley's hurt; he getting back something that I will never be able to was great. It comforted me a lot, even if it hurt (and it did hurt a lot lol I still have a lump on my throat and did cry yesterday because of it, but it was a good type of cry. One that makes you feel good after).

This fic made me feel a lot, and I'm so grateful for it (@antikate I'm sorry for tagging you I just want you to know that I loved your fic so much, and I for sure wasn't able to get that across by my comments there. Rhank you so much for this story) It's so beautiful and... aaa alright time to end this rec. I babbled a lot and said almost nothing, I feel like. Just go read it (not for everyone, I know, but yet...).

This fic is like drinking a too-sweet beverage to try to swallow a too-bitter med. Like making popcorn when you feel sad, because that's what they did when they felt sad.Like keep on living and laughing, because they would like you to.

[pbjelly90]

I should absolutely be going to bed now for work tomorrow, but I finished vol 8 of Jeweler Richard tonight and just wanted to put down some thoughts and feelings I had on it, even if they’re not all particularly coherent or in any real order. May add more later on.

SPOILERS FOR VOLUME 8 OF JEWELER RICHARD AHEAD

A lot of folks found vol 7 a bit hard to read, and this one still had some heavy themes, with the treatment Seigi faces from the house flippers, the hurt and misunderstanding within Richard’s family, and the shadow of the butler’s group and Octavia and their plotting amidst it all. But I still found a lot of joy and catharsis in this one that made it a very moving read and maybe in some ways easier than 7.

The biggest theme of this book for me was mothers and their children. Richard and his mother Catherine, of course, but also his mother and grandmother, and Seigi and his mother. If vol 6 was cathartic in helping Seigi realize he does not have to become like his father, that he is not somehow tainted by his past suffering with his father, he is worthy of love and care, and that he can cut his bio father out of his life completely and move forward to heal, then this touched on a different type of painful family relationship. Someone you’re very similar to, close to, clash with, become distanced from, but you still have some feeling or care for each other. You can get under each other’s skin. No one sees Richard the way his mother does, and vice versa. Seeing their journey in this book gave me a lot of feelings and was very relatable. Sometimes its the family members you were closest to who can make you the angriest. Seigi was such a good supportive friend to Richard throughout this and their love was very evident. One of my favorite scenes was when Richard and Catherine’s tension finally came to a head with her argument about how he treats Seigi and Seigi finally gets to speak up and set her straight.

Richard seeing then just much Seigi loves him and would stay by his side, unlike past friends who’d sided with his mother, was so touching. Then Catherine testing Seigi at the end. I think she was just as touched, after the initial anger subsided. This book presented a really human, fallible, nuanced view of motherhood. Hearing her story about being called beautiful and then it all stopping really shed some light on what must have happened between her and Richard’s father, her mind went there as soon as she saw the Amazonite. She wants better for her son, despite any of their bickering. I was happy to see them get to a place of maybe a little more understanding at the end with Richard calling her Maman. Maybe through Seigi’s support, he was able to move past some of his old hurt from that time with his childhood friends at the villa. Catherine even seems in a better place, knowing her son has someone like Seigi by his side.

Seigi’s own attempts with Hiromi at the end really broke my heart, but it was very realistic, and I’m still proud of him. He’s grown so much. Instead of getting too down or upset, he accepts that’s not where they’re at yet and recognizes his own part in that. They would have a lot more healing to do to try to make any change, if they can, but he reached out and has given their relationship more thought after all of this. I hope he can go see her and his stepdad soon. I could feel his relief that his stepdad was home now and she was safer. I hope he can return to Tokyo and feel better there in time too, he deserves it. His homesickness and his happiness to see Haruyoshi in this volume really touched me too. I’ve always felt a bit split between two countries and could feel a bit of how he did to hear the language of his home. 💕

Random other thoughts, in jumbled order:

I want to hug Jeffrey and for him to have more friends, no more playing the “villain”, give him all the souvenirs. Him pretending he doesn’t read Seigi’s blog was gold lol

Jeff, I too want to give Seigi headpats

Hugs also for Haruyoshi and Henry, they’re so cute I love their friendship

Loved Haruyoshi and Seigi’s conversation about being “off the rails” and forging their own path, and how much they connected meeting up this time after college and supported one another. Their friendship is lovely and it felt like a warm hug seeing them have fun and laugh together

Seigi feeling okay enough to take photos and put a few on his blog, and even post a blog at all, was such a sign of his healing

Richard probably should have warned Seigi more clearly about how some folks in the countryside might treat him, but I understand he didn’t want to worry him that all people might be like that one couple either. I’m happy Pierre was good to Seigi. Also Richard is human and imperfect too and that’s okay, he realized the potential error in not warning him, stood up for Seigi and apologized. Catherine should have listened closer when Seigi told her he was going to paint, and Seigi I wish had resisted that whim to help, but I understand where Seigi was coming from, and Catherine’s got her shortcomings and that can’t all change at once

Seigi recalling the rules of Etranger not to discriminate after this 🥺 coming full circle with understanding them and with understanding the feeling of Etranger being abroad

Catherine wanting to help roll up Seigi’s pantlegs to wade in the river—how many times must she have done that for young Richard during his childhood in their summers at the villa 🥺 some motherly instincts are still in her, there was some real care between them. Richard remembering she's lactose intolerant. They mean something to each other

Vince I’m sure you have a good heart and your reasons and all but I still kinda wanna throw hands with you sometimes. Stop being so mysterious and cryptic. I figure he’s trying to look out for Octavia and maybe Seigi somehow, but his method of playing the “villain” aggravates me far more than Jeff’s does so far. He even makes Seigi go bark bark sometimes xD

The conversation in the hole with the treasure HOW DID SEIGI WALK AWAY DURING THAT? He compartmentalizes like no other. Richard was really showing his feelings more in this volume. For a while I was unsure if he had a fever or was blushing furiously from embarrassment, shame, or some other overwhelming combo of feelings. His praise of Seigi and questioning why he would stay by him… oof in the feels

“You don’t want to sleep with me?” RICHARD TOOK ME OUT xD Seigi.exe stopped working

Seigi saying he’s not “especially vulnerable” to Richard’s sad face, ah the unreliable narrator evidence continues to pile up

Him reaching out towards Richard before they go to sleep 🥺 they were adorable sharing the room

Richard blanket burrito, honey I hate mornings too, he wanted Seigi to see him “well coiffed” 😂😂😂

Richard keeps getting compared to Sherlock Holmes in this volume and plays a violin, thank you for the food, Sensei. He was already British, very intelligent and a boxer, I’ll add this to the list

Seigi’s and Richard’s happiness during the conversation where Richard calls Seigi his friend was so so adorable and precious, these cute fools can’t even walk properly after lol

Is French solitaire similar to mancala or am I way off? That’s what I was picturing

Richard and Seigi would be very cute on a tandem bicycle

Them both wanting to take panoramic photos after big moments to remember them, cuties, anytime Richard borrows a line of Seigi’s

Loved all the artist references in this one, pander to the art nerds please yesss, once again thank you for the food

All the actual food sounded so delicious. Seigi just casually whipping up bouillabaisse from an online recipe his first time 🤌🏼 *chef’s kiss*

All the times Seigi wanted to make Richard sweets, but also the time he WITHHELD THEM to get Richard to cooperate and talk 😂 I’m convinced I hallucinated that scene and I just read it today, I wanna reread

In the early parts, Sensei loves to fake us out and build suspense by making the reader think we’re gonna see Richard / have Richard and Seigi reunite 😆 It happened THREE times this vol with Jeff (as soon as he described the person’s skin as sickly I was like I can’t see Seigi saying that even if Richard was ill, but aww Jeff is going through it), then Haruyoshi where Seigi kept being so vague and just saying he was meeting a friend, and then finally Catherine whos doing the most entertaining herself with Richard cosplay to test Seigi 😂 Sensei got me good EVERY TIME

He may frustrate me at times, but I like Vince’s gamer side and his fashion sense. Gimme the phoenix jacket and the pink sneakers thankss. Probably the only time he enjoyed himself in this book was geeking out with Pierre about FPS games

There's a theme of masks in this book, of people behaving differently or performing a role outside of their true selves, for whatever purpose: Jeffrey playing the villain, Catherine playing the hostess, Vince playing Octavia's spy. But all these characters have sides to them underneath this that are hinted at or shown outright, and that mask slips away. Seigi can see through Jeffrey's and Catherine's pretty well, but he's still figuring out Vince

Seigi and his new doggo Jiro 🥺 I NEED THEM TO BE SAFE

THAT CLIFFHANGER?!?!? VINCEEEE

Will probably edit this to add more as this book spins around in my brain further until the next volume. Formatting on my phone is the worst so my apologies if it’s all over the place here. 😅

[ohnoitstbskyen]

First saw one of your videos in 2018, I think! When Kai'Sa was released... lol. I was so looking forward to her release, but finally seeing her design completely soured me on it, and none of my friends saw a problem with the discrepancy between her character's Premise and the design's Visual Language. Naturally, I looked for like-minded people on the world wide web, and found your video! It articulated Kai'Sa's main issues better than I ever could and was cathartic to me. Been subscribed since then. 😊

Kai'sa is like 90% such a great character, and then 10% a collection of the single most wrong-headed character design decisions you could possibly make to communicate why she is such a great character.

"I am a horrifying monster, everyone naturally shuns me, I am alienated from humanity! They will always hate me for what I have become!" broods the supermodel in the skin-tight bodysuit with perfect makeup, immaculate hair and no scars, who very occasionally wears a slightly spooky helmet.

In the official announcement comic they juxtapose her sculpted, perfect ass and objectively gorgeous face with an angsty monologue about how her awful outside appearance will forever leave normal people in terror of her terrible visage. In the official announcement.

The artist who did the splash art for Hollowspun at least had the good sense to try to dial up the strange textures and fucked up geometry of the suit to make her look weirder and more insectoid, so that it is at least moderately visually plausible that someone would be repulsed and terrified by her appearance.

There's also the sensible basic visual storytelling idea of "oh hey what if instead of showing her entire and obviously normal human face we intentionally cover it up so it creates the kind of scary visual implication that she is imprisoned within her Void armor? That her humanity is a thing smouldering under an inhuman surface, repressed and hidden away by a decade of lethal peril?

And that maybe Kai'sa actually actively pushes people away and tries to frighten them because she's terrified that she can't protect them and facing the prospect of losing her entire community to the Void again is simply to painful to face?

AND WHAT IF WE PAIRED HER UP WITH THE GIRL WHOSE WHOLE ENTIRE THING IS FOUND FAMILY AND LOVE OF COMMUNITY???

WHO REACHES OUT FOR HER EVEN THOUGH SHE IS ACTIVELY TRYING TO BE HOSTILE???

What if we did that instead of juxtaposing a perfectly sculpted ass in a spandex with the words "maybe someday they will accept what I have become"? What if that?"

... anyway, I have extremely normal feelings about Kai'sa and her story and her character design. I have thought about this a normal amount. For legal reasons I am not planning to throw rocks at Riot HQ until they release more Kai'sa/Taliyah stories.

[whentherewerebicycles]

gonna do some reflective journaling about the rest of my BIRTH EXPERIENCE under the cut

i had a really good birth experience in retrospect. the induction part where we were trying to get my body to actually go into labor was super hard and weirdly demoralizing. obviously no one could give me any clear indication of how long it would take and it was really hard to manage my own expectations and mentally prepare for it to take anywhere from 12-48 hours or longer to get my body into labor. i think all the normal big feelings around birth itself were exacerbated by being so sleep deprived going into it & in so much pain from my hands… like it was just hard to be like i've felt so bad for so long and i am afraid i'm about to be in a lot more pain that will compound the existing pain and also i have no clear timeframe for when either pain will end. also i think i was still a little traumatized by the foley balloon experience lol. like i think that if the promised dilation had happened over 12-24 hours like they expected maybe it would've felt less abrupt and violent, but instead it took less than 2 hours and was SUPER painful at the end, which then terrified me because i was like wow if birth is even worse than this how am i going to handle it. i had a total meltdown around 9pm the first night (sunday night) just being like I'LL HURT FOREVER AND I DON'T EVEN FEEL EXCITED ABOUT THE BABY ANYMORE BECAUSE I'M SO FOCUSED ON THE FACT THAT I'LL HURT FOREVER. but my mom and sister were SO good through the whole process and so loving and i felt a lot better after having a big cathartic cry about it.

the other hard part of the induction was that the pitocin contractions really were kind of a lot to handle. i was intellectually prepared for that after reading about it but physically it is hard to prepare for pain you have not yet experienced! i also have no experience of natural contractions to compare them to but it felt like they just got REALLY intense really fast and were so close together that it felt like there wasn't a lot of time to rest/recover after each one. from about 11pm to 4am when i got the epidural i was just in a lot of pain. my sister was sooo good through this part. she got up around midnight and we just hung out and she did counter-pressure for me on every contraction from maybe 2-4am when they got really intense and close together and also she helped me wash my hair which was for some reason extremely important to me.

the other part that i found hard about the contractions-with-no-pain-management part was that the night nurse was not all that helpful or sympathetic and mostly seemed kind of annoyed that i was asking for the epidural so early (i was a little over 5cm dilated at the time). and that made me feel embarrassed because i felt like a wimp!looking back on it i feel like i could've endured longer but also i was just SO tired from being awake and in escalating pain/discomfort for 24 hours and i was really overwhelmed by the idea of spending like six more hours of doing this on no sleep. but also looking back on it: who cares about what some nurse thinks of me!! i was the one in my body and i was feeling overwhelmed and it was ok of me to not want to be in pain anymore. anyway the epidural was incredible, i loved it, i want to marry my anesthesiologist, etc etc. i still think if i have another baby and am able to have a non-induce birth i would be interested in trying an unmedicated birth or at least seeing if contractions without pitocin allowed me to get further. it was an interesting physical experience and i think if i hadn't been so tired and in so much hand pain i might have found it more intriguing to keep going & to see what else that experience had in store for me. but as it was: i am fine with how it went down! and i was Ready to not be in pain.

anyway: got the epidural around 4am or so on monday and immediately crashed SO hard. like i was falling asleep sitting up at the table after they injected the pain meds. the anesthesiologist said that was normal lol i guess you don't realize how much adrenaline is coursing through your body bc of the pain until the pain is abruptly & totally removed and then your body is like PHEW!!! TIME TO COLLAPSE. i did indeed collapse. i slept three hours, just like the deepest and most uninterrupted slumber i've slept since literally late march, and woke up feeling like a new human. at that point they did a cervix check and i was i think at 6ish cm? so they let me sleep another three blissful hours and then i woke up and they were like whoa you're at 9.5cm it's almost go time. then we had a frantic 45 min or so of getting ready (i was like i NEED to BRUSH my TEETH!!!!!! i cannot BIRTH this BABY without BRUSHING MY TEETH but of course i could not walk so my sister had to bring me all the things aha). and then it was go time!!!!

pushing was hilariously fast ahaha this was by far the easiest part of my labor. everyone was in a great mood and the vibes were good and i felt like i had newly acquired superpowers after sleeping for SIX WHOLE HOURS. i spent so much time getting myself emotionally ready for it to take hours and be really hard, and then i think i pushed for like, five sets of three 10-second pushes, and he was there. it took 27 min total and would've been even faster except that they made me stop and wait for five-ish min while his head was RIGHT there in the birth canal (i saw it in the mirror!!!!!! it was insane!!!!!) because someone had to RUN and grab the OB. then i pushed for one more set and he was out!!!!! it was crazy!!!!! his cord was so short they ended up clamping and cutting it right away so they could put him on my chest. when they first threw him on me it was kind of terrifying because he was SO still and silent, and also a very dark purple/blue color, and i was like oh my god. he's dead. he's dead. i made it this far and he died. it was so scary gahhh i'm crying just thinking about it!! but then they started massaging him and patting his back and he coughed a bunch and started crying. they made him cry a LOT and checked his lungs a bunch the first 15 min or so because they were full of gunk/didn't sound so great, but he cleared it all by crying up a storm and then he was fine!!! and not so purple!!! and he was all mine he was my healthy baby boy!!!! he cried so much because it's scary to be born but we did it!!!!

wahhhh it was so good i want to remember it forever i am bawling again thinking about it. my guy!!!! he was so little and squashed and such a funny color and he opened his eyes and looked at me!!! and now he's just mine he's my baby!!!!! he had big dark eyes and big hands with long long fingers and long narrow feet with long delicate-looking toes and perfect little orecchiette ears and a truly majestic conehead from coming out of the birth canal ahaha. a perfect baby!!!! he weighed 7 lbs 14 oz at birth and was 21 inches long, and everyone kept saying phew if he'd had three more weeks to cook in there he would've been a BIG boy!!! i love him so much he is so perfect. oh also they gave me a 'placenta tour' which was very fun and also kind of horrifying like ouch that ripped off the side of my uterus?? also i had a small tear they had to stitch up but nothing too bad. idk the main event was obviously the BABY and he was perfect and everything was perfect and it was worth it to go through the shitty parts of induction to get him early. my kiddo!!!!! i love him!!!!

[vaelzz]

I spent almost 6 months working on/off with this and it's uh something lol? (experimental ig) I was using an earlier text to speech model and inputting my lyrics I wrote into it and building a song around it which was the biggest and most time consuming headache ever tracking all the different vocal takes and complex intersecting beats. The next one I do is definitely going to be a lot more simple because I don't have the sanity to sit there for a ridiculous amount of hours just yet and this song feels pretty weird and niche too so yeah idefk. Lyrics: I've heard the bones you carry are an acquired taste How many do you have in your body I have two-hundred and six, (give or take) So please don't break them

Broken bones are such painful things, So let's break the sticks with stones Or maybe…

We can collect them Lock them in a box, Throw them off a cliff, Freeze them in the Antarctic

Anything that comes as cathartic If there's no sticks and stones There's nothing that will ever hurt you We can strip the walls of colour, If the brightness hurts your eyes

No more reds, no more blues, just a grayscale sky, In a muted world, where emotions gently lie The vibrancy of greens, they all turn to gray, Disfigure the world to our own array

I think I'm getting bored, on my own accord All this black and grey, has nothing to say Maybe we can paint our shadow so it can pretend it has purpose, Hah stupid shadow, imagine having purpose

Deflect these thoughts in the prism of my mind, to project a prison to my kind

Yeah well I'm one of a kind and I'm stumbling blind, Perfect time to throw your stones and beat, beat, beat me with your sticks… Except I'll just do it myself.

Break, Break teeth on the glass of a façade, I'll run and ruin my own parade Then bite down hard with broken shards Then gurgle blood and stutter

ugh, what is it you want me to say because I don't care or have anything to say

I think I'm getting bored, on my own accord Fuck all this black and grey, has nothing to say Let's paint my shadow purple

PURPLE, P, for Purpose, hooray, let's make my day Cause I think I'm getting bored on my own accord (imagine having purpose)

I'll bite down on my tongue hard, with broken shards. Swirl the blood around, like a centrifuge Break it down to the bare essentials Spit it out and ask you if I have potential

If it hurts your eyes we can peel all the paint away

[evansbby]

GIRLIE GIRLIE GIRLIE LISTEN LISTEN LISTEN. I HAVE AN IDEA FOR A REQUEST.

[Its also 03:57AM and I’m crying my eyes out, so I might regret this when I woke up lolllll]

Hear me out, hear me out, hear me out. See the visionnnnn. So, this is my request:

Sugar daddy!Ari AU. This is a little after the reader becomes his girlfriend. The reader hasn’t really gotten it into her head that she’s not just his sugar baby, but she’s his love, so she tends to hide her feelings and pain and raw emotions from him because she wants to sort of keep up the image of her being his sexy personal nymphomaniac because she thinks he’ll leave if she’s real with him.

So let’s say, something happened. Maybe an argument with her terrible family or her shitty friends gossip about her or she’s burnt out from taking care of others or someone shames her for something, idk, you’re the author, you decide what happens, but anyways.

Something happens that made her extremely sad and miserable, but she’s trying to hide her feelings from Ari, she pretends everything is fine (it’s not lol), she’s acting a little weird cos she’s trying to keep up appearances so that he won’t dismiss and discard her, etc. But Ari, being her daddy and the smart motherfucker he is, knows that something is wrong with his precious girl.

So basically, shit goes down with her and Ari and he soft doms her (maybe a little hard dom too) and comforts her and reassures her that she’s his girl and not just a plaything and all that lovey dovey shit. Oh, and aftercare lol! Only if you want to.

This probably could’ve been said in fewer words, but I’m crying my eyes out and it’s a little cathartic to type this out lol, sorryyyy. Thank youuuu! Love your writing!

Oh I would love to read this 😭😭😭

But you see I’m insane so I need to make it more sad so if I were to write this…

I’d make it so that reader is very insecure and she thinks she’s not good enough to be Ari’s girlfriend (kind of along the lines of what you said) and she thinks she’s only good enough for sex bc she has zero feelings of self worth 🤧🤧🤧 and no matter what Ari says or does to reassure her and uplift her, she just doesn’t believe him😔😔

And she keeps pushing herself away from him, bc she thinks he deserves better bc he’s such a nice guy and it’s not a normal sugar daddy relationship bc Ari doesn’t even expect sex from her (although they do have great amazing perfect sex) but Ari just loves talking to her all night, getting to know her interests, buying her special gifts that match her interests… And reader is overwhelmed bc she’s sooo insecure and she thinks she doesn’t deserve this happiness. She’s scared of letting herself be happy in case Ari “wakes up” one day and realises he can do better and leaves her🥲 (he wouldn’t but she thinks he will).

So then one day she gets so overwhelmed that she breaks up with him impulsively. But we all know what a strong mature wise perfect daddy Ari is, so he’d be like “let’s talk this out” and she bursts into tears and tells him that he deserves better and that she’s broken and she needs to go away so he can start living his life instead of always worrying about her 🥲🥲🥲 and Ari tells her that he’s in love with her and he couldn’t live without her and then they have sex 🥺🥺🥺 where Ari is being a soft dom and sooo perfect and sexy and reader needed this bc she needs him to tell her what to do so she can relax and stop worrying. Her mind never turns off during the day and she’s wracked with insecurities and fear, but with Ari… he lets her mind go blank so she doesn’t need to think, and she feels okay.

But then she’s up all night and Ari is asleep and she watches him and all her insecurities come back and she thinks that he deserves better and he can’t spend his whole life with her as a burden just bc she’s so insecure all the time 🥲🥲

So she leaves… without a note or a phone call or anything. In fact, she moves far away to live with a distant relative and deletes her social media. Ari calls her and texts her every single day, begging her to pick up or come back etc and she changes her phone number 🥲🥲🥲 some of her friends tell her that Ari is miserable and he’s still looking for her and waiting for her but she hopes he will move on soon.

Anyways then reader starts working on herself, she gets a job in an industry she likes and she makes some new friends. She starts seeing a therapist and slowly, bit by bit, her confidence starts to grow. She realises she deserves love as much as anyone else does. And she misses Ari so much bc he really was the love of her life 🥹🥹 it’s been a whole year now and one day she decides she wants to see him again. She wants to try again and hopefully he’d be open to getting back together with her.

She shows up at his door with Chinese takeaway (their favourite meal they’d have together) and Ari answers the door and he’s shocked to see her. And she says she thinks she’s all whole again, she thinks she’s fixed and she’d like to give it a try with him once more. And she got food 🍲

But then she looks beyond his shoulder and sees another girl. And Chinese takeaway already on the table. He’s moved on. She’s heartbroken. But she smiles and tells him she’s happy for him. He tries to stop her but she leaves.

THE END 😭😭😭😭

[useless-donut]

just thinking about astarion is SUCH a sweet partner? like this man was barely an adult elf when he was turned, and spent the next 200 years being abused by cazador, but like

- as the durge character, he'll be accepting and talk about your mental health and reassure you

- he'll insist on staying with your half illithid character, saying you shouldnt make his choices for him if you try to leave to protect him

- also just the dichotomy of him being explicitly vain and also explicitly not shallow is very sweet

- in that one lathanders light scene, he'll tell you he appreciates you trying to fix your mistake after you caused him IMMENSE pain

- he'll empathize with and support you if you swear your body to haarlep, noting how he's been through similar and is sorry you're going through it

- hes not jealous, his issues with sharing seem to largely come from if he thinks the other party would be okay with it (like he thinks lae'zel would spear him lol), and when someone like halsin comes along he'll happily consent

- on that note, he grows enough to be comfortable asking for support and reassurance instead of possessiveness/jealousy (not that these are the only options for that scenario, but astarions seen a lot of possessiveness in his life and its wonderful how much he avoids replicating it)

- he will always attack cazador in the final confrontation if cazador starts verbally abusing you instead of him

- he puts in the work to set boundaries that allow him to engage in an intimate (emotionally, physically, but not sexually) romantic relationship with tav and apologizes for "using" him before, when his behavior was SO understandable. and also he manipulated tav by having... consensual enjoyable sex lol. he might have ulterior motives but he never actually tries to use his sexual relationship with tav to manipulate him into doing anything

- you learn how astarion felt for Sebastian and how tender he was

- you learn about the first boy astarion couldnt bear to bring to cazador, the one he called soft and sweet (or something like that) and then was punished horribly for a straight year for it

- even when you turn to a half illithid, his main concern is you losing your agency

- if you are a full illithid, at the end of the game, some people complain about him not being ride or die, but i think he shows REMARKABLE willingness and support. what he cares about most is that you are still you, and how is he supposed to know for sure? i think asking him to stay with a type of being known for manipulation and mind control after everything he went through with cazador IS A HUGE FUCKING ASK. and he doesnt even write you off immediately? thats a lot of love right there

- if you arent illithid, he will double-check you want to plan a future with him still, and only once you affirm this will he express how badly he wants it. he's actively avoiding trying to manipulate you even

and probably more stuff im just not thinking of off the top of my head. obviously this is about the spawn route vs. ascended, but im just constantly amazed that despite EVERYTHING astarion has gone through, probably centuries without a healthy, loving relationship or even examples of that nearby, he still defaults to being kind, empathetic, and caring as soon as he gets the chance

like sure, he might be minorly evil and self-serving but personally i think thats the least he deserves

more importantly, the boys from astarions past give us a rare window into what he was like before turning into a vampire—he was gentle, empathetic lover. he was kind, he was protective. and as soon as he has the space to start looking for himself again, he goes RIGHT back to that behavior. he even self-checks for his "manipulation" and tries to correct for it

it just shatters my heart and then puts it back together hes such a wonderfully written character. astarion is allowed to be lovely AND furious and vengeful and maybe its just my raised-catholic ass, but its SO cathartic to see that a forgiveness arc is never pushed for his abuser

[chezgender]

Cha cha cha / It's crazy it's party comparison

@tmrwds post and @izpira-se-zlato addition gave me brainworms. @kylla-kylla also saw the connection between ICIP and CCC and I saw their post after I started writing this. So I'm definitely not alone in being insane. Thus here is my own rant about It's Crazy it's Party.

Notes:

ICIP lyrics transcript taken from @koppitules on twt, translation taken from a Käärijä discord

CCC lyrics and translation from lyricstranslate.com

Disclaimer: This analysis is purposefully exaggerated/dramatic in order to highlight contrast. I do think Jere loves his job and career, ICIP is definitely a fun song in which you can find (or not) a deeper meaning, it's up to your interpretation. I just love angst lol please don't come at me I'm sensitive 🤡😭

(ps. sorry to all the people I tagged. You don't have to interact with this, I just wanted to give proper credit)

Let's start. Bear with me being cringe.

First verse

At the beginning of CCC, we see how partying is reserved for the weekend - it's something cathartic after a long week of responsibility and worries, it's an outlet for stress and negativity. The world can't scare him no more, as he mentions later in the song, now that he's having fun.

In ICIP, people have pointed out how the first verse reminds them of CCC, musically wise. This is definitely on purpose, the main difference lies in the lyrics. Here Jere reveals that partying now it's an everyday thing. It's an endless circus of traveling despite everything, he's the cog in a machine bigger than him. The world that seemed so tiny compared to the fun, is now scary - the party is now and tomorrow and 365 days a year, in Finland and even abroad. As if there was no safe place. He can't escape it and it's overwhelming to the point "you'll feel it in your hair and your ass" (honestly, weird phrasing, but it gets the point across I guess?). Either way, this party is almost ineluctable.

Chorus

In the CCC chorus he says he wants to forget about the pains of daily life by getting wasted and drinking with both hands on as many drinks as he can hold, until he won't even be able to get up. Honestly, although this doesn't seem like a healthy coping mechanism (but I'm none to judge), it does look willing and deliberate - he makes the choice of getting drunk on the weekend. He's in control of when the party happens.

In ICIP instead the chorus is shorter, and quite tautological: crazy is crazy, party is party, and life is life, you know? (see @tmrwds for a cultural insight on the "elämä on laiffi" phrase). There's a different feeling in this chorus, the singing is soft and maybe even a bit sexy but the lyrics hold a touch of resignation in between. This party is not a deliberate choice anymore, Jere doesn't get to choose when his life is crazy/party and when he gets to rest.

CCC 2nd verse / ICIP Tommy's verse

Without need for lyrics, also because most people have a hard time understanding what Tommy was singing live, I'll talk about this in brief. I chose to include it because Jere himself sang some parts of it during the live - mostly echoing, but still.

In CCC, Jere parties almost alone. Well, it's implied that there's more people to that party but the song is about him, his own liberation from stress and whatever thing was keeping him bound and off the dancefloor. There are no explicit references to other people.

In ICIP instead, Tommy sings about a club in which they enter and people go crazy. They talk about sex in a rather crass way, probably for kicks, but as mentioned in @tmrwds post, it could definitely hint at the wrong kind of attention Jere is receiving. People in his DMs and probably even in person are making more or less explicit advances on him, surely unsolicited, but it's part of the party.

And Tommy invites Jere to party with him (that modulated voice parodically reminds me of the beginning of Barbie Girl by Aqua). Jere says yes, of course he wants to party with him, right here right now (no matter the day, or his condition, does he really have a say in it?)

Another thing I'd like to point out:

Jere in CCC mentions "it's hard to talk when this different side of me does its part" / Tommy in ICIP mentions how the alcohol makes it hard to think (obviously, but I'm clinically insane and I see intertextuality everywhere) - so, basically, the "side of him" Jere talks about in CCC renders him carefree, maybe happy, definitely free of burdens. In ICIP, this "part of him" seems to have taken complete control to the point Jere can't tell himself from it.

Last part of ICIP

"Let's go party" leads to a countdown - inexorable and short, leaving everyone little time to get ready. The song explodes like a bomb, reminds me of a breakdown in a Korn song. The bass hammers hard and everyone is jumping, hearts bursting, everything is out of control. To quote @izpira-se-zlato , there's an apocalyptic feeling to it. Jere can't do anything but let himself be engrossed without a chance to escape. Which he can't, lest he gives everything up.

Where CCC was party metal with a touch of eurodance, ICIP definitely belongs to an insane rave. It reminds me of Dutch hardstyle, dubstep and a touch of eurodance until the end, which screams industrial/nu metal to me, only adding to the concept of hammering and exhausting work/lifestyle.

We could say that It's Crazy it's Party is the Välikuolema to Cha Cha Cha's Viuliunkieli, in a way.

Jere is a storyteller in most of his songs, and it's clear he likes such narratives to carry on between different tracks (i.e: I think the Viulunkieli/Välikuolema narrative carries on to Morgan), so it's only fair to assume the two songs combined tell a whole story.

Further speculation: Jere has often said he's really tired in this precise moment - the relentless touring throughout summer is obviously taking a toll on him, no matter how much he can love what he does. It would be exhausting for anyone. Plus, the "ghost" of ESC follows him everywhere: sometimes I get the feeling many people perceive him as the CCC-guy rather than the complete artist he is, so maybe he's trying to change this.

As many people already said, the story Mikke posted with the grave being dug could hint at the burial of green-bolero-Käärijä. I don't believe Jere is denying the fame and good things it has brought, but he's probably willing to turn the page and carry on with something new (and probably take a long, well deserved break). Or maybe the MV will just be homoerotic softp-rn featuring a grave, WHO KNOWS. I just know I can't wait to see what's next. I love ESC-Käärija (without CCC I wouldn't even be aware of his existence, so I'm forever grateful) and that love will forever be a part of me, but I also welcome this change with open arms in hopes to see him grow more and more.

Conclusion: the speculation is very real and material and I am very very cringe <33

[ofallthingsnasty]

tags: dead dove: do not eat, power imbalance (he is your god, after all), hard noncon, snuff, chubby reader pairing: Enel/F!Reader word count: 1k note: read the tags and read them twice. heavy stuff ahead. some thoughts I have after the Sky Island arc. I saw that he had one fat 'handmaiden' and that was the end of it for me lol. so. just me rambling.

The way Enel delights in destroying Skypiea and seeing his followers, his little lambs, fear for their lives and then ending those very same little existences made me think … 

We know he's lazy, that he has a grand attitude - it's why I think that if he wanted to fuck you, he wouldn't just order you to do it. 

He knows you'd do it if he just asked you to but isn't that boring? Every single one of his servants would. They'd slit their own throats if it was for some greater good he proclaimed, especially little old you. He sees it in your eyes, in the way you stand by his side, how you nervously peel a banana for him when he asks you to, how you stutter your answers, always eyeing him if your words are the right ones, if you're agreeable enough. 

He enjoys toying with you, picking on you in his little ways - the thought of making you do debauched things in front of his court sometimes tickles the back of his mind, but he still has a reputation to uphold. 

So he bids his time.

Out of all the followers in his shrine, it makes sense to kill you last. You watch them getting cut down, one by one - all shocked and scared - and it's so beautiful to see. You’re all nothing but pests to him, little things he uses to get what he desires. It’s cathartic to finally have you grasp the full extend of his power, for each and every one of you to cower and snivel and plead - and you’re no better, no, you’re fucking worse because he kept you for last. Crumpled to the ground, nothing more than a mess of snot and tears, hands pressed over chittering teeth, you beg him with your shaky voice, torn between asking him why he's doing this and to spare you. He answers neither, he just smiles.

It's delicious to see the realization in your face that he - your god, your protector - betrayed you, is out to destroy, to kill. You devoted your whole existence to him and he doesn't care, even seems to hate you for it.

The way betrayal and fear swim in your wide eyes and you shake with hysteria, with grief and pain and terror is so, so satisfying. He can see your faith and innate need for survival fight each other, can watch how the urge to run away is making your hands twitchy and your brows furrow, yet you still obey him. That little part in your brain that has accepted him as your god still hasn't been overridden and you act on instinct, accepting his orders as they come out of his mouth.

You expose yourself to him so easily (he just needs to twirl his staff once and you're cowering in fear, any smidge of defiance wiped away in an instant) and the tears you cry just make it all the sweeter. This is his parting gift, he thinks as he watches you peel off your clothing from your place on the floor, just a little bit of indulgence before he truly ascends. He barely has to say anything to make you crawl into his lap once he sits himself down just across from you, forgoing the comfort of his cushions just because he’s so impatient. When you lower yourself down onto him it’s better than any inkling he’s ever had - you’re so tight. Fear has made you tense, dry - but he welcomes it. He should tease you about not being prepared for your god but he’s too busy savoring the feeling of you trying to fully take him in, pain obvious in your face. Yet, you carry on, millimeter by millimeter, suffering through it for him. And of course, you are expected to put in the work, to ride him - even if he’ll take the light out of your eyes in just a few minutes, he’s still the one to be worshiped, or maybe it’s because of it. Propped up on his elbows, he watches you. Aren’t you enjoying yourself, he asks once you’ve found a rhythm, slowly heaving your ass up and down, fucking your god? What a great honor it is to be found worthy of this, to serve him in this way in your last few minutes of your precious little life. You’re such a lucky little lamb, aren’t you? (Of course, with the smile he wears on his face, the both of you know that he isn’t quite serious. That he’s just mocking you in your despair, in your torture.) My, he even allows you to steady yourself on his shoulder when your adrenaline runs out and you’re just you again: soft and pudgy and a little out of breath as you try your best to satisfy him. You’re just as entertaining as he had hoped you would be. Although you could go a little faster. 

Maybe he should get you to piss yourself with a little shock (then again, that’d wet his own pants, what a nuisance), but he settles on just telling you to hurry it up, that he doesn’t have much more time for this and it makes the tears in your eyes fatter and hotter as they drop on his skin. Your existence is reduced to nothing more than a few thrusts and he tries to console you with the fact that he chose you and no one else for this honor, that it makes you his most precious follower, at least for a short while.

You’re so silent. So obedient. Devoted. Even in the face of death, you readily serve him. And that taste of total control is addicting - but he has places to be, goals to achieve. He’s merciful and grabs you when you least expect it, just in the moment he can feel his orgasm coming in - you yelp in shock as he lunges forward and makes your body shake and seize and give out in his grasp, until the he can’t hear your little gasps anymore, until you aren’t you anymore. Maybe he’ll remember you, he thinks as he lays you down, the tiniest flicker of fondness washing over him. You were worth the wait, after all. And isn’t that the highest honor? To be fondly recalled by a god?

[wuffgang-ameowdeus-moozart]

more tattooed Lucy because I'm unwell about her:

she got her second ever tattoo after receiving her first paycheck

still not the best decision but at least she was a bit smarter about it this time around

(she never did quite manage to properly learn the whole "how to handle money" thing. as her rent always makes sure to remind her. again and again💀. but that's a completely different topic lol)

this time she set aside a certain amount for the tattoo and immediately started by discussing the prices lol

(okay maybe she went a teensy bit over the limit she had given herself but it was worth it okay)

at first she wasn't sure what she wanted to get, just that it should be something in honor of her mother

she searched for an artist with pretty much the opposite art style to her sleeve

her first tattoo was made out of spite while her second out of longing..... it's a whole thing okay she loves looking at her life through the lense of a fairy tale or story and that includes metaphors and parallels and shit (writers amiright🙄)

she was admittedly relieved when she found one that was also a woman, considering she knew she wanted this one to be right above her heart (and. you know. boobs.)

this was also her first tattoo in color

after some brainstorming she decided on a very minimalist version of the main character of her favorite children's book

(her mother used to read it to her almost every night. Layla still made an effort, even as she lost more and more strength, even as she got bedridden, even as speaking got more and more difficult. Lucy hadn't been able to bring herself to reread it ever since she died)

funnily enough the artist also used to love this book. it was a weirdly intimate and cathartic experience to gush about the story with a stranger (Lucy claimed the tears were due to pain, though she isn't sure the artist believed her)

whenever she has privacy she starts walking around bra- and shirtless so she can admire her new tattoo (it turns into a habit.)

that is also part of the reason she will later be so pissed at natsu for entering her house without warning so often. a girl's gotta have her me-time !!

(this new habit is admittedly also partly fueled by spite. if her father knew he would probably have an aneurysm - a thought that never fails to amuse her greatly)

Lucy starts looking out for tattoo designs on other people

if she finds something she particularly likes she'll even approach them to ask where they got it done

Lucy: oh! I should get a design for every constellation!!

Lucy, looking down at her (empty) wallet: .....I have unleashed a beast.

[whumpshaped]

hey i’m really sorry if this is dumb but do you ever feel bad about enjoying whump? if so, how do you deal with it? i’m having a hard time with liking it. i love reading it but it occasionally makes me feel like a terrible person

its not dumb! i have some disorders that make it hard for me to feel bad abt stuff just for moral reasons alone, but i do get the terrible feeling sometimes when im afraid others will think im a terrible person lol if that makes any sense- so yeah i get the shame around it. i was lucky enough to be the quirky fun guy anyway so having slightly stranger interests wasnt a big deal for me.

this got very long bc i always have many thoughts on this

let me just start this by saying u totally dont have to feel bad for liking it. at all. everybody tends to like some form of whump, even if they dont call it that. the middle aged christian woman reading her 100th romance novel packed with fucking angst is an avid enjoyer of emotional whump in my book. and the guy who jokes about whump enjoyers being crazy and then turns around and watches marvel movies with blood and beat up heroes in it, well-

humans are just fascinated with pain. physical, emotional, all of it. it's just how we are, i think. we love to explore pain in fantasy, through characters separate from us, while we sit in our room comfortably (controlled danger! like rollercoasters). it can be cathartic. it can be how we find and understand ourselves. it can be comforting to know hey, this character went through something like that, that means the author must have some experience with it. there's at least one other human who gets me.

enjoying/reading/writing whump can be a perfect outlet, like hitting a punching bag repeatedly. it can be how someone digests their own trauma. it can just be a kink thing. it doesn't have to have deep moral things attached to it, sometimes seeing fictional characters hurt just tickles the brain and that's that. it doesn't matter, because it's all fictional, it doesn't hurt anyone. unless your preferred media is like, literal hate speech and propaganda against real life people, (in which case it DOES hurt ppl), there's literally nothing wrong with looking at a character being beaten and going "hey, thats cool".

also i will never not say this but even the fucken bible is straight whump and no one will ever change my mind. i tried to be a good christian and what did i find? whump.

also, there's like... a huge portion of people who read whump for the comfort of it. yes the character goes through shit, yes it's horrible, but guess what, they come out on the other side unquestionably changed but still worthy of recovery. they find peace, they heal, they find friends and family, they're comforted and listened to. that's something a lot of people read whump for. there's a reason it's called hurt/comfort. and there's also a very good post about how so many of us read it because the whumpees' trauma is always acknowledged. maybe not in the story, but we as readers understand that they went through some shit, and thus their trauma is always validated in some way. that can be a comfort as well, in a world where so many people's issues get brushed under the rug and ignored and overlooked and straight up invalidated.

but even if you're not into the comfort aspect (which i wasnt for a long time!!!!! i was strictly here for the hurt!!!!!!) you're not some sort of monster for it. i'd say quite the contrary. i'd say if you regularly engage with media like this, where the character's emotions are laid out so bare, and explored so deeply, you're more in tune with your own emotions too. i couldve punched holes in walls like some people i know (i have anger issues), but instead i grabbed my laptop and wrote about a character being beaten to a pulp. no damage to person or property. done. others read it and enjoyed it, and i even got serotonin from likes and reblogs, which lifted my mood, so that was a whole net positive.

seriously look at the most popular media too. it's whump. always has been. a good friend of mine whos a little weirded out by some of the gore i write is OBSESSED with game of thrones for example. and he recommended it to me because hey i love bloody stuff dont i? and i loved the torture scenes and he loved to hate and be enraged and a little grossed out by them. we enjoyed the series together. neither of us was terrible for it.

all this to say, you're not the odd one out. even if your interests count as more "taboo", like some of mine, unless you go out there and punch someone in the face, youre good in my books. and again, even punching someone in the face can be morally neutral or positive between consenting adults so. HUMANS JUST ENJOY EXPLORING PAIN. THATS MY HOT TAKE FOR TODAY.

thank u for coming to my ted talk

[hillbilly---man]

A list of my works on AO3

(they're all Saiki K fics at the moment but I'll add fandom categories to this post if I ever get a new interest lol)

It doesn't fit my plans; it's something I don't understand

Published July 11, 2021

Summary: Saiki is fascinated by Satou Hiroshi, and the people around him start to see that this might be more than just a platonic curiosity.

What is this feeling called love?

[Notes: Bittersweet ending. Nobody gets together. My insistence on theming these early fics after songs is pretty embarrassing now. I'm not proud of my writing here but the story is ok. I might rewrite it someday. Not bad for my first fic since like 2003 though]

Something Changed

Published August 11, 2021

Summary: Aiura wrote a letter to her soulmate the night before they were supposed to meet.

She's predicted a lot of things... how could she have gotten this one wrong?

[Notes: Another sad ending. The format of this is almost entirely an excited letter about the future Aiura imagined that would never come to pass. Not really much of a story happening here tbh]

Won't it be strange when we're all fully grown?

Published August 28, 2021 (INCOMPLETE)

Summary: With graduation quickly approaching, the psychics of PK Academy (and Akechi) worry that they'll drift apart. Luckily, they come up with an idea.

"Let's all meet up in the year 2030!"

A lot can change in a decade.

[Notes: Kind of like a psychicker class reunion where they're all adults with jobs and everything catching up. Future chapters were going to have almost a Scooby Doo vibe (with a twist reveal at the end about Aiura's husband!) I abandoned it because I posted some art and someone called my art creepy and it made the whole fic feel bad to think about. Maybe I'll get back to it someday. It's cool to see how quickly my writing improved. I was also super proud of how well I wrote Akechi's dialogue here]

Hotel Valentine

Published September 24, 2021

Summary: Toritsuka Reita is a pretty lucky guy. He somehow managed to not get expelled from PK Academy, he graduated, and he's avoided creeping on any living girls for a few months. To celebrate, the PK Psychics paid for a one-night stay in the fanciest hotel in Tokyo so Reita can creep on the ghost girl of his dreams. Pretty lucky, right?

Too bad things aren't going his way. He's being ignored by the staff, he's bored out of his mind, and he can't find the ghost girl anywhere. Some vacation, huh?

[Notes: Spoiler: Toritsuka's a ghost stuck in a nice hotel. This is based on a concept album that most of you have never heard but hear me out! It really has nothing to do with the Cibo Matto album of the same title except that the chapters are named after the songs and there are fun Easter eggs for fans of the album. Another slightly sad ending but not too bad]

Coffee & TV

Published August 27th, 2022

Summary: The new silence in her house felt heavy on Kumi's shoulders. Everything reminded her of Kumagoro... especially her grandson Kusuo, who has been coming to visit more often than ever before.

[Notes: this is my least popular finished fic and I understand why. It's about grief and the loss of a grandparent. It's about the unique pain that a psychic would have after failing to prevent that death. There's a sad twist that TBH I think I was a little too subtle with. One of my favorites]

Friendly Fire

Published January 8, 2023

Summary: Being an adult is great until the Problems start. Good grief.

30-year-old Kusuo's psychic powers have been pretty well controlled for over a decade. Why are things starting to go haywire all of a sudden?

[Notes: Friendly Fire my fucking beloved!! In this fic, Saiki gets essentially psychic multiple sclerosis and has to deal with some complicated emotions. I don't think it's a masterpiece or anything but it was cathartic to write and I'm in love with the versions of these characters that I wrote here. So much so that I'm writing a sequel just so I can write more of them. Also, FINALLY a happy ending!!]

Ramen Ikouze?

Published April 28, 2023

Summary: After being dragged to get ramen with Nendou every week, Kusuo starts to realize that it's not so bad after all.

[Notes: I love Nendou, he's so good. This fic is very cute and about their friendship. A couple of fun twists]

Saiki has Plans?

Published May 2, 2023

Summary: Saiki mentions having plans after school, and the overactive imaginations at PK Academy work themselves into a fuss trying to imagine what he could be doing.

[Notes: This fic follows around a bunch of Saiki's classmates as they gossip and snoop to find out what he's up to. It's my most popular fic for some reason]

A Bright Flash

Published May 13, 2023

Summary: Saiki develops an annoying new ability, and through some comedy series logic is forced to tell Teruhashi about it. She tries to be a good ally to her "newly psychic" crush.

[Notes: Teruhashi accidentally finds out about Saiki's new power and he's like "fine. I'm a psychic. But it's just this one power and nothing else."]

Heat Wave

Published June 6, 2023

Summary: There's a historic heat wave in Hidariwakibara, and some of our favorite PK Academy students end up running into each other while taking refuge from the hot weather.

A series of four standalone (but connected) stories taking place at the same time:

Aiura has a vision of disaster, and she and Nendou try to stop it

Yumehara gives Toritsuka some advice to improve his game

Akechi meets Teruhashi's brother

Saiki really wants some shaved ice from the kakigori stand where Mera is working

[Notes: The summary explains it well but also I weaved so many connections between the chapters (that are all happening at roughly the same time). It was also a lot of fun writing interactions between characters that didn't get much in canon. Also you can tell it was hot as hell when I wrote it because I definitely gave Saiki some kind of psychic heat intolerance lol]

Immunity

Published July 6, 2023

Summary: She didn't know why, but Kokomi was finally able to see the truth.

Why Saiki seemed to appear and disappear without explanation. Why it seemed like he always knew what she was planning. Why he wore those weird hairpins.

It was all so obvious now.

Saiki had psychic powers.

[Notes: The veil is lifted suddenly and all the truths that Saiki kept locked behind his mind control were revealed to Teruhashi. He and Aiura have a chat with her about it. Also this was the first fic of mine that an IRL friend read (to my knowledge) and his comment was something like "I don't know anything about your boy but he sounds autistic and gnc" and I took that as a fucking compliment! You know you've written Saiki right when people can see that shit from space]

The Disastrous Financial Situation of Saiki K

Published August 9, 2023 (IN PROGRESS)

Summary: Adjusting to his new limitations has been annoying, and now Kusuo (age 31) needs a car to get around.

Unfortunately, taking time off work has drained his savings.

How is he going to get the money for a car now?

[Notes: This is my sequel to Friendly Fire but it's a lot lighter in nature. 100-Yen-Man goes around doing stuff for Saiki's friends. There are mentions of his disability from Friendly Fire and it's plot relevant but I think you can catch on even if you didn't read the original. I haven't updated in a while but I am actively working on it!! A Yumehara and Makino chapter next and then a Toritsuka chapter after that. TBH this isn't my best work and it's pretty unpopular but I'm having fun and that's all that counts)

[enbyleighlines]

one of the hardest things about getting older is how your ability to do things gradually diminishes. this is going to be especially hard on Ike, who puts so much emphasis on being strong enough to protect his loved ones. how do you think our wandering trio would cope with the physical effects of Ike’s aging as he gradually goes from being physically the strongest of the three to possibly the weakest? I imagine Soren taking it especially hard, and Ike trying to be chill about it for his sake but really struggling to deal with the reality that he’s the one who needs protecting, now. meanwhile Ranulf would try really hard to keep everyone’s spirits up, but eventually have kind of a breakdown about it, prompting a really difficult conversation between the three of them.

guess I just answered my own ask lol. oops. do you have any thoughts? things you disagree on? that kind of thing?

Ooof, way to hit me right where it hurts.

I definitely agree with you, though. Mule-headed Ike would have trouble adjusting to the fact that he’s no longer able to accomplish physical tasks as easily as he could when he was younger. Thankfully, I imagine it might take a while for him to start “feeling his age”, since he stays so active.

But even if he stays in shape with regular exercise, it will only prolong the inevitable. Eventually, he will reach a stage in his life where he can no longer lift as much as he used to, or maybe he has achey joints, or a bad knee, or some other health issue that makes navigating the world just a little harder. And because he’s Ike, he will refuse to let that hold him back.

He definitely is the type of man to throw out his back because he keeps pushing himself past his limits, and get Quite An Earful from both of his doting househusbands.

That said, I like to think that our trio has found their forever home by then, in a cottage just outside a small town in Hatari, so at least Ike doesn’t have to worry about protecting his husbands from bandits, natural disasters, wild animals, or other such travel-related hazards. And by that point, Soren and Ranulf have honed their own respective skills to the extent that they can defend themselves. So even if it’s hard for Ike at first, I also feel like he would be the first to accept and move on from those feelings.

His attitude would basically boil down to: ��Well, there’s nothing to be done, so there’s no use worrying about it.

Soren would have a much more difficult time, because the physical signs of Ike’s aging (his hair turning gray, the wrinkles, the loss of muscle mass, etc) would be a visual, omnipresent reminder of Ike’s mortality. For Ike’s sake, I think he would try to put on a brave face, but inside he is Not Coping Well.

Ranulf would definitely try to make jokes, esp concerning the fact that Ike looks old enough to be their grandfather, while they’re still fairly fresh-faced. And he’d tease Ike about how his blue-silver hair is so handsome.

Only, internally he is terrified by how quickly Ike seems to be aging.

When they finally all sit down and talk, it hurts. And it takes a long, long time, the three of them huddled up together and discussing their thoughts and feelings well past midnight.

And it doesn’t drastically alter anything going forward. Their individual fears are still there.

But Soren and Ranulf both get to sob into Ike’s (no longer buff) chest, and it’s cathartic. It helps dull the sharp edge of their pain. And Ike gets to hold them both and marvel at the fact that Soren and Ranulf care so deeply for him, and be proud of how far they’ve come in their own relationship.

Even when he’s gone, they will have one another. Ike takes great comfort in that.

[jasntodds]

Caving In [12]

Pairing: Gar Logan x Fem!Powered!Reader, Jason Todd x Fem!Powered!Reader

Words: 10,267

Chapter Warnings: Swearing, angst, hurt/comfort, blood, lots of feelings of guilt amongst Jason, Reader, and Gar, I’m asking you all to have faith in me for a minute lmao, Jason Todd is sad™️, there’s an author’s note at the very end with who the endgame is if you’re curious lol

Summary: ❝Tell me Atlas: What is heavier, The world or its people’s hearts?❞ You never expected your life to end up this way, turned upside down by an infamous Gotham villain. It’s been a living hell, every single day, until Dick Grayson brings you to Titans tower where you meet Gar Logan and Jason Todd.

A/N: Look, I love this chapter. I’ve had it picking at my brain since I started writing this. I love a vulnerable Jason Todd idk lol I am easily motivated to post more often when I get feedback 😂 You can add yourself to the tag list below, ask me to be tagged, or you can follow my library blog @jasntoddslibrary​ and turn on notifications if you prefer that!!

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You hear Jason scream and your entire world crumbles in that instant. Kory rushes over to you, and you almost don’t notice her. The breath is gone from your lungs and a lump forms instantly your throat. Your arms go weak and you swear the only reason you don’t slip is because your hands are impaled. Kory grabs you though, and pulls you into the window, Dick sliding over to help. You sit for a second, letting your hands bleed onto the ground under you as your legs are bent and pulled up to your chest.

You failed.

“Come on.” Dick is kneeling in front of you, a hand on your elbow to help you up. “We gotta go.”

“I-I-I-I-” You choke on a whine, tears brimming your eyes. “I couldn’t…I couldn’t save him.” You lock eyes with Dick and his heart is broken for you but Jason’s alive.

“Someone caught him.” Dick’s words are slow and you think he’s lying. Jason is human and couldn't survive a fifteen story fall.

“None of the Titans can fly.” Your voice is a broken whisper.

“Wasn’t a Titan.” Dick adds. “Come on.” He grabs one of your elbows while Kory grabs the other one to help you up. “We have to get out of here.” Dick pulls you with him, he’s worried maybe you won’t follow him if he’s not dragging you along.

The three of you, quickly, make your way through the building. You still think Dick is lying because you understand you need to leave because Dick and Kory didn’t take down Deathstroke. He escaped and he’s out there. There’s no way he’s just done. Not with Rose still at the tower. You think Dick is lying to get you all out of the building and everything is a mix of pain and numbness. It’s the worst cocktail ever poured down your throat.

The numbness clouds your bones. It’s somehow so painful and painless. That’s the thing about being numb. It doesn’t always mean pain-free. It lingers and covers you like a black cloud of doom, just looming over you but never doing anything. It taunts you, stalks you. You’ve felt like this before and it’s so hard. It’s so painful. It's paralyzing.

The three of you exit the building and Dick is first to start running, followed by Kory. You drag your feet as your breathing is ragged. Everything seems to be going in slow motion. You reach the front of the car that Dick and Kory ran behind and there’s Jason. Your heart stops in your chest and everything freezes for just a second. Jason gets to his feet and he’s okay. Given everything, he is, for the most part, physically okay and you have never felt more relieved about anything in your entire life.

You sprint to him and collide into him like a tidal wave at full force, wrapping your arms around his neck. Jason nearly collapses from the impact, the car being the only thing keeping him on his feet. Jason lets out a breath and takes just a second before wrapping his arms around you as tightly as he can because he swears you’ll disappear if he doesn’t.

This hug is the most cathartic thing he has ever experienced and Jason is not a hugger. But, he can’t help it right now because you’re crying into him and you’re alive and you’re okay and he’s alive. And at least right now, you don’t hate him for him being the reason you were basically dropped from a skyscraper and he never wants to let go of you. He wants to live in his exact moment forever, his eyes closed and his arms wrapped so tight around you, Dick would have to pry him away from you with a crowbar.

Dick looks up from mending the strange man that saved Jason, someone you didn’t even notice, and looks at Jason and you. You arms are wrapped tightly around his neck while Jason’s arms are wrapped around your waist, his hands holding his own forearms. Jason buries his face into the crook of your neck and Dick remembers that night he caught you both in the bathroom together. And the night he caught you both training and he remembers how Jason told him about Jerry.

The first words that came out of his mouth when Dick picked up the phone were “it’s not her fault.”. Jason threw himself in front of the bus Dick was driving to try to protect you that night. He took the blame and he never told you about it. It’s why you were so mad when Dick pointed the finger at Jason. You took the blame that night in the sparring room and Dick is watching you both feeling like maybe there’s something to the two of you, you’re a little bit of chaos together, sure. But he’s never seen Jason look so content and after something like this, Dick expects Jason to lose it but he’s just hugging you with everything in him. But, he feels bad because he knows this night will change everything between the two of you. The relief of being alive will wear off and something will shift. 

You pull away, just enough to get a look at his face, as if making sure he’s really here. His eyes are dark behind the mask as they move over your face. The whites of his eyes are bloodshot but he looks relieved. You’ve never felt panic like you did with him falling. Heights, foster care, the streets, none of it even competed with that feeling. You were so certain if he died, you’d be devasted, it would destroy you. You were so certain of it before but now, you know that without a doubt, that would be it. That would be the thing that finally shattered you into slivers of glass that can’t be glued together. Everything else that’s happened, adding the death of Jason onto that, would be it. Because you adore him with every bone in your body. So, for the first time, you commit to it.

You place your fingers on his jaw, trying to avoid touching him with your palms, and bring his lips to yours. Jason freezes. He doesn’t move, he tenses up completely because not in his wildest dreams did he ever think you’d ever commit to it. It was always jokes and banter, he swore you’d never do anything about it. Jason swore he was the second choice for you. That’s why you’d forfeit the game, save his feelings if he decided to keep it going. He never thought it’d get here and then a beat passes and he relaxes into you, squeezing you closer to him. His world stops and it all goes quiet.

The guilt riddled in his blood and bones and veins evaporates. The constant voice in his head, blaming him for everything horrible that’s ever happened has finally shut up. It’s gone to hide in the shadows and it’s quiet. The weight on his shoulders is gone and his heart doesn’t feel like it’s being crushed by an elephant. Despite it all, despite tonight, in spite of tonight, you kissed him. And for the first time in a long time, Jason Todd does not feel like damaged goods.

The world spins for you the second you feel Jason squeeze you. Everything spins and you can’t hear the other Titans coming up from behind you, questioning the strange man. You don’t hear the helicopter above you or the cars still passing by on the street. Everything goes silent around you while your stomach jumps into your throat. You kind of thought Jason didn’t want you to commit to it. He tossed you the ball and hoped you’d play, but he never asked. But, he’s pulling you closer and relaxing under you touch, unbothered by the blood that’s definitely getting on his face and it was never a game. You’re so sure of that, it was never a game to him and it wasn’t to you. Your heart beats for this boy against you like it’s never had a purpose before.

Jason pulls away first, resting his forehead against yours, his eyes closed as he takes a breath. It’s like this is the first full breath he’s taken all night. And you can feel it. Jason Todd thinks he’s hard to love and hard to care about but right now, you swear it’s the easiest thing you’ve ever done. Despite everything and every bad decision you both make, caring about him the easiest thing you’ve ever done. Caring about him is like breathing, effortless and easy. I’s always there tugging at the bottom of your heart and echoing in the back of your head, silently like calming sound of a soft rain again the window.

“You're alive.” Your voice is fragile against him.

“So are you.” Jason's words are soft as he opens his eyes. “You held on.”

“You let go.” You whisper and you’re so thankful he let go.

“I had to.” Jason pulls away just enough to fully look at you. “I didn’t have a choice.”

“I know.” You nod your head quickly and you move your hands down to his shoulders, getting a look at the blood on his face. “Thank you for saving my life, Jay.”

Jason nods at you and he gets why Gar gets touchy-feely. There are a million things he wants to say to you but he can’t get his voice to work and he doesn’t know if he should say any of it. He doesn’t know how. So, he just pulls you into a tighter hug again because that’s the only way he can express how he’s feeling. He saved your life tonight by letting go of you but what you don’t know is that you saved his life tonight, too. You saved him because if it weren’t for you, he would have fought so fucking hard against Deathstroke and Dr. Light, they would have had no choice but to kill him. Jason doesn’t give up that easily but you’re a reason worth living for, you’re that person worth protecting to him. You don’t know it, but you saved his life, too.

“I’m sorry I got blood on you.” You whisper to him, grabbing your sleeve to try and wipe it off without smearing more blood on him.

“It’s alright, don’t worry about it.” Jason shakes his head at you and if you keep this up, he’s sure you’ll have his blood on you at some point. It’s bound to happen at this rate.

"Hey, guys." Kory calls, getting your attention and this time, neither of you step away from each other like you would have yesterday. "Come on, we have to get back to the tower." Kory jerks her head towards the black SUV while Dick and Hank are lifting the strange man's arms over their shoulders to help him up.

Jason and you nod at her, finally pulling away from each other. The two of you follow the Titans to the car, getting into the third row with Kory. The car is completely packed but none of you are willing to complain about that small detail right now. Instead, Dick starts driving while Kory has a look at your hands, using the dome light to have a look. She can't see much given the bad lighting and blood everywhere, unfortunately.

Meanwhile, you ask about the guy and Jason explains that he came out of nowhere, midair, and caught him, that’s it. But, you catch the lack of excitement in his voice that would normally be there. He’s flat and dry, distant. And you get it. To say tonight sucked, would be an understatement.

Everything is starting to settle in Jason's bones. The adrenaline is starting to crash and he feels the weight creep back over him, inch by inch. The darkness migrates from the shadows of his head to the very front, damaging every thought that pops into his head. The kiss with you, scared the darkness away but now he’s in silence, putting himself in his own bubble and thinking about every single thing that happened tonight. The weight almost feels too heavy.

The rest of the ride is quiet but the air is the car is stiff. It's as if tiy and Jason can feel all of them wanting to yell at you at the same time but they're managing to bite their tongues for the drive. But, you're both thankful for the silence anyway. It does, however, worry you for Jason to be so quiet and have nothing to say about anything. Not to harass Dick about failing tonight or about him dropping Jason. Jason is silent as he stares out of his window. And you’re worried.

Once you get back to the tower, you and Jason are the last to leave the elevator with your heads hung. The other Titans take the strange man off to the infirmary to try and help him. You look over at Jason as he's limping with every step.

“Meet me in the bathroom, okay?” You ask. “Your leg.”

Jason glances at you. “Yeah, alright.” He nods and decides to not to fight it.

Yes, he saved your life but the adrenaline of it all is wearing off and is being clouded by guilt. He saved you but you shouldn’t have been in that position in the first place. At the end of the day, he still failed. This was his chance to prove himself and instead, he got kidnapped, tortured, and then dropped from a skyscraper. Every minute that passes, adds ten pounds to his shoulders and it’s crushing him. He’s supposed to be Robin but he couldn’t even take out a lightbulb.

Gar is the first to greet you and Jason, rushing over to you and hugging you both at the same time. You turn your hands, palm up to hug him back and Jason pats Gar’s back. The both of you feel a bit of relief to have Gar hug you. And then you both feel worse all over again because you just put Gar through hell. The helicopter was likely the news meaning it was probably live and Gar was probably watching it. At least you and Jason were together, knowing what was going on. Gar was stuck here with radio silence from you. And you both swear the guilt from it might eat you whole.

“I’m so glad you guys are okay.” Gar rushes his words as he pulls away, seeing blood on your clothes, Jason’s suit, neck, and jawline. “I mean…are you guys….okay?”

You look to your hands. “It’s fine. I’m fine, Gar. Thanks.” You nod at him and give him the weakest smile he’s ever seen.

“It’s mostly hers.” Jason states, his voice still flat. “I’m gonna change.”

You and Gar watch Jason limp off and Gar looks back to you with furrowed brows. Jason is hurt and Jason doesn’t get hurt. Of course, Gar expects you both to be traumatized and weird but not…quiet. Jason is never quiet and you look like you’re holding your breath.

“Deathstroke carved the tracker out of his leg.” Your voice is sad and hushed.

Gar's eyes widen and it feels like he’s being stabbed in the chest again. “Seriously?”

You nod. “Yeah…so, um…” You swallow thickly. “I’m gonna meet him in the bathroom and help him clean it. I just…I think we need to talk about tonight.”

“Yeah, yeah, no I get it.” Gar nods his head, understanding why you and Jason would want to talk about everything. He has to be patient. “I’m really, really happy you’re okay.”

You see the worry lines and you think they might be permanent now, because of you and Jason. “Yeah, me, too. I’m really glad you weren’t there.” You say quietly. “I’ll catch up later.” You cut it short because if you keep talking to Gar you’ll lose it and you can’t lose it, not yet.

You go right into the bathroom and get out the medical supplies. You wash and wrap your hands haphazardly with gauze. You’re not all that concerned about yourself and really just wants to help Jason. This isn’t about you because it can’t be. This is going to take time to recover from mentally and you know that but that’s thing. You’ve been through it and while it is unfathomable to have gone through it twice, you’ll get better from it because you did before. And tonight was not for you, it was always for Jason who wants nothing more in the world to be the best Robin. He let himself down and you can’t let him do that to himself. You need to shelve how you’re feeling for him. You can break over it later.

“I can do this in my own, ya know that?” Jason asks as he stands in the doorway.

You look to him, now in a pair of shorts and a black t-shirt. You can see the gash on his leg that’s deep, blood stains go down his thigh. “I know.” You state as you look back to him. “But, you cleaned up my hands last time, so sit your ass down, Jay.” You try to give him some snark but you can feel that your tone failed.

“Whatever you say, bOsS.” Jason mocks how you’d normally respond if he were you.

“Ha-ha.” You roll your eyes but give him a smile.

Jason hops on the counter of the sink, putting his hands behind him. He doesn’t like to deal with this stuff. It makes him feel too exposed but after tonight, he can’t very well be more exposed to you. And it’s you, it’s different with you. It doesn’t feel all that scary and you want to help. Jason would do anything you told him right now.

You get a wash rag, soaking it before starting to clean his wound. Jason hisses as you touch it. “Sorry.” You mutter, trying to be more gentle.

“It’s fine.” Jason lets out a breath, seeing the gauze in your hands that looks like a complete mess. “How’re your hands?”

“Oh,” You pause for a second before continuing. “Fine, they don’t hurt really and they’re barely bleeding.” You lie, trying to brush it off for Jason's sake.

Jason nods. If it weren’t for everything else that happened that night, he wouldn’t be feeling too guilty about your hands. It would just have been an accident of trying to save you both, which it was. But given everything that happened, he blames himself because it’s about the injury you sustained tonight because of him. It was his idea for you to melt the glass and that’s what lead you to fall onto the shards. Deathstroke beat you up and now you have cuts on your hands and he’s blaming himself for it.

You glance up to him, the distant look in his eyes haunting you. “You okay?”

“I’m fine.” His voice is stern this time.

“It’s okay if you’re not. You were just dropped fifteen stories.” You state as you clean the dried blood around his thigh.

“I’m fucking fine.” Jason huffs. “I can do this myself if you’re gonna fucking badger me, alright?”

He’s completely fine, except for the fact that he feels like he’s still falling, the pain in his leg, his hands shaking, his arms feeling like they’ll fall off at any moment, the whole thought that he’s a failure, and the guilt that’s eating him from the inside out. He’s completely fine, besides all of that.

“Fuck,” You let out a scoff. “I’m just saying that it’s okay if you’re not, alright?” You glance up to him and his eyes are trained on the wall in front of him, glossy and it breaks a part of you. You look back down at his leg. “It’s normal. It’s okay. You don’t have to be fine around, Jay.” Your voice goes quiet. “It’s you and me, okay?” You look up to him and Jason’s eyes just barely glance in your direction as if looking at you makes it real. “I’m not fine, for the record. Nightmares will definitely be coming back in full force but ya know, you told me to talk about shit. I did and it does help. You know that and I know that. So.” You suck in a breath and you want Jason to talk because he has to be okay.

“I’m sorry, alright?” Jason huffs. “I’m not trying to be an asshole, it’s just,” He pauses. “It’s my fault, alright? And it fucking sucks.”

“It’s not your fault.” You shake your head as you continue to clean the wound.

Jason scoffs, shaking his head as if to not believe you. “Right, just my dumbass idea, right?”

“No,” Your voice is soft as you ditch the rag in the sink and reach for a few butterfly stitches, wishing you knew how to do proper stitches because Jason probably needs them. “It’s not. I was mad.” You feel the guilt wash into your blood. “You called me useless.”

“I didn’t mean it.” Jason’s words are rushed and he finally looks down at you fully. The guilt coats his stomach like cement. “I’m really sorry.”

“No, I know.” You nod at him, but don’t keep your eyes on him, getting the sense he doesn’t want you looking at him very long. “We say these in high-stress situations that we don’t mean.” You state. “It sucks but it happens. I didn’t mean it and you didn’t mean. It’s not your fault.”

“Yeah, it fucking is.” Jason groans, not wanting to talk about it anymore. “Can’t you pick any other topic?”

“It’s not and I will tell you that every single day until you believe me.” You ignore the question because you know he’s going to drown himself in his own guilt if you don’t get him to listen to you.

You’ll suck up your fear of heights and scream it from the rooftops if he needs you to. This isn’t his fault and you will do everything and anything to get him to believe you. You can’t let him drown himself. You can’t lose him.

“I got you kidnapped, beat up again, and dropped from a fucking skyscraper.” His eyes are narrowed at you but his voice is pleading. It’s as if he’s pleading and begging for you to put the blame on him. Let this be his fault. He deserves it. He’ll never forgive himself for it. Jason huffs. “If I would have just….fucking listened and stayed behind, none of this would have fucking happened.”

“We.” You correct him and he quirks a brow at you. “We, had we listened but there were three of us who didn’t. So, it’s not your fault.”

Jason thinks you’re just trying to make him feel better. How isn’t this his fault? Everything about tonight came down to the decisions he made. Maybe had he just escaped instead of helping you, he could have brought to the Titans to where Deathstroke was and saved you from the rest of the night. Had he been faster, maybe you both could have escaped. If he could have escaped the restraints on the building, he could have gotten you to melt the window faster and you would have been saved. This is his fault, every single way he looks at it. It is.

“Yes, it fucking is and you don’t have to fucking baby me trying to make me feel better.” Jason barks and you pause again, eying him. “This is on me, okay? I had one fucking job and I fucking failed at it.” Jason’s voice cracks.

“We all fuck up, Jason.” You keep your voice calm and kind.

“Not like this.” The tip of his nose starts to turn pink. “I could have gotten you, Dick, and Kory killed tonight. Being Robin is the best thing that’s fucking happened to me and I fucked that up, too.” Jason sucks in a ragged breath and he just can’t take it. The night is too much and it’s all overflowing like a dam after a hurricane. “It’s my fault, Y/n.”

You shake your head. “You are a great fucking Robin and you know I wouldn’t tell you that if I didn’t mean it. You have saved people. Tonight was just…a lot. Deathstroke was just better than all of us. We never stood a chance.”

“We should have though!” Jason argues. “I fuck everything up. I touch anything and it just gets messed up over and over again. It’s like I’m fucking cursed.” Tears brim in his eyes.

It breaks your heart to hear that’s how he views himself. He doesn’t deserve it and you want to hunt down every single person that has ever made him feel this way.

“It’s….it’s fucking heavy, alright?” Jason lets out a breath and he hates this. He hates feeling useless and weak and vulnerable. He hates it all and he wants to leave and run but he doesn’t. “It’s all my fault and I have to live with it.”

“Put it on me.” You state, similarly to what he did to you that night at Jerry’s and Jason’s brows raise. “You wanna blame someone? Blame me. That’s fine. I will carry it for you, Jay.” You start placing the butterfly stitches carefully. “You carry it for me and I carry it for you, okay?” Jason shakes his head and he opens his mouth to argue but you start first. “You do it for me, right?” Jason nods. “Okay, let me do it for you. You know I, uh, don’t read but I can read to you if it’ll help. I’ll do whatever you want me to to help you. I promise, I can carry it.”

It simmers in his stomach and in his chest. His chest burns, aching with the offer because maybe it’s the nicest thing someone’s ever said to him. But he can’t let her take that blame. It’s a heavy thing to carry and for him, no less.

“Not your responsibility.” He tries to make his voice sound stern but it comes out broken.

You can't tell if this is one of his self-sabotaging things, where he pushes and pushes and pushes the argument until the other person literally gives up. Or, he fights and fights, trying to get someone to agree with his haunted thoughts or say something worse about him because he thinks he deserves it. You don't know if it's self-sabotage or if he's genuinely having that hard of a time believing you. But, either way, you feel this anger bubble in your stomach because how could the world have the nerve to treat him so poorly that you're even having this conversation right now?

People give up on him. It’s what they do. Jason pushes those people away because he doesn’t deserve the help. He pushes them away because if he pushes and pushes and pushes, they eventually leave. They give up and no one is ever up to the task to really, ever, truly help him even through his shit. No one ever sees through his shit and then there’s you. You see through him like cellophane. He is transparent and it makes him want to explode. No one sees him for him but you do. It’s just him and you.

“I need you to listen to me.” You cup his cheeks and Jason gets a good look at the fat lip and black eye this time. “You are one of my favorite people on this planet and I am not giving up on you. You can push all the fuck you want, Jason Todd but I’m gonna be up your ass every fucking day until I die. I give a very big fuck about you, okay? You do not deserve to blame yourself. You do not deserve what happened tonight, okay? You are good enough, Jay.” Your eyes are locked on his and your voice is unwavering. It is stern and solid but lacking harshness. It’s breaking you seeing him like this and Jason can tell. But, he’s never seen anyone, ever like this with him. If anyone else had ever said any of that, he isn’t sure he’d believe them but he believes you. But, he has one last argument because that's what he does. Push until he can't push anymore.

“Not to Dick or Bruce.”

“Fuck them! You’re good enough to me, Jay.” Your voice breaks with the last sentence, your brows are knitted together and your breathing is slightly ragged. Your eyes are rimmed with tears and Jason can't argue anymore. That’s enough for him.

He nods against your hands. “Okay.”

Your eyes scan over his face, as if making sure he’s not just saying that to get you to stop. You nods. “When you can’t sleep, you’ll come to me, right?”

“Yeah,” Jason nods his head once more. “You do the same, then, right?”

You nod. “Yeah.” You normally go to Gar but this is too much. He’s had so many nights awake with you because of nightmares and Jason was there this time. If you can’t sleep, you’ll go to him this time because at least you’ll be together in your guilt.

“Thanks.” Jason states, “For everything.”

You give him a smile. “I’d do anything for you, Jason Todd.”

You moves your hands from his face and wrap your arms around his neck. You pull him in for a tight hug. His arms wrap around your waist and he buries his head into your neck because this is cathartic. You help him breathe again. When it feels like the air is being ripped from his lungs, you push it all back in. He’ll never be able to repay you for it.

And because of that, he knows he can’t say anything about how he feels about you. It’s silly to think about that right now but he does. He does because he adores you and that is the one thing he is certain about. But, tonight, he almost got you killed. You’re begging him to blame you because you worry too much about him. If he told you and you made that decision to follow him into the dark, he’d never forgive himself if he ruined you. You’re worried about ruining Gar and Jason is worried about ruining you. But, he can keep you in a safe distance, friends. Keep everything else silent between you because Gar is good. Gar is careful and safe and protective. Gar is everything Jason Todd is not. Jason swears his best friend is better for you and you’re better for him. So, he swallows the thunder in his chest and bites the sour taste of silence.

You pull away and nod at him. “Thank you again for saving my life.”

Jason smiles softly at you. “Yeah, you’re welcome.” Jason clears his throat, glancing to your hands and then back to you. “Switch with me.” Jason jerks his head up while you take a step back. “You did a shit job with your hands.” Jason scoffs as he hops off the counter. “I’ll do it.”

You give him a tender smile. “Was a little too worried about you to focus on it.” You shrug but do as he asks and get on the counter.

“You don’t have to worry about me.” Jason assures you, taking one of your hands in his and unwraps the botched gauze job.

“Always gonna.” You quip.

Jason lets out a huff as he gets the gauze off, this time getting a good look at your hands. Your hands are practically shredded, still bleeding. He can see some of the muscle through one of the large cuts and it twists his stomach in a knot. He is not squeamish but it’s you and it’s your hands. He shakes his head and moves to the other hand.

"Doesn't really hurt." You clear your throat, seeing the look on Jason's face.

"Yeah, okay." Jason scoffs. "Who's bullshitting now?"

"Well," You let out a chuckle. "I'm not bullshitting, doesn't really hurt which, uh, probably isn't good, right?"

Jason looks up at you, still holding your hand and he pauses for just a second. "Might just be adrenaline. You should be fine." Jason reassures you.

"How's your hearing?"

"Sounds like I got a gallon of water lodged in my damn ear." Jason huffs but there's a smile tugging at his lips.

"Here." You say as Jason finishes unwrapping your hand and you grab a wash rag.

You rinse it under warm water and motion for Jason to come closer. He does as asked without hesitation, standing between in your legs. Jason dodges eye contact while you move his head so you can see his right ear. There's a heavy blood streak down the side of his neck. You aren't sure exactly how hard he was hit or if he was hit more than once after he was knocked out but by the blood, you assumed it's not good and he was hit a little too hard. But you don't badger him, you just take the warm rag and start to clean the blood down his neck.

Jason's jaw clenches with the movement and he's never had anyone take care of him, not like this. Bruce and Alfred showed him how to clean his cuts and wounds properly, but it was never this. They mostly told him what to do, which was also partially because Jason wouldn't let them actually help even when they did offer. This is so new to him and a part of him doesn't mind. It feels nice being taken care of and because of that, he feels a little uncomfortable. It makes his jaw clench and he straightens his stance just a little. When he does, you’re more gentle and slower.

That's the thing, you can read him. You knows Jason has never had the privilege of having someone do this for him, but he doesn't have to do it on his own anymore, so you’re slow. You don't want to scare him off. She's gentle and careful with him.

"I got it all." Your voice is quiet as you pull the rag away.

Jason finally looks at you and he struggles so much because he just cares so much about you. He doesn't deserve your tenderness or your care. He doesn't deserve you but he can't bring himself to pull away either. Instead, he rests his forehead against yours and takes just a few seconds to breathe.

Your heart stutters in your chest. You never thought Jason would be the one to move closer. Especially right now. There is no banter here, just care for the other. It's soft and gentle. Quiet. The room is quiet and your head is quiet. Your eyes close and you swear you feel so at home. You don't feel that weight on your bones like you usually do. You feel...happy. Right here, right now, with Jason. But, this is just a moment and you cannot live in this moment forever.

Jason squeezes his eyes before pulling away and going back to her hands. "I'm sorry." He clears his throat. "We gotta talk about that kiss." His eyes are tired and red. "I can't. I'm sorry." Jason glances to you and then to your hands again. "Please don't hate me." There's an innocence in his voice with the request.

"I could never hate you." You let out a sigh. "I get it, it's okay." You assure him.

You want to ask why, after all the jokes and banter and his reaction to you kissing him, you know it's more than a game. You want to know why he can't and not because you’re offended or mad, but because you’re worried this is another way for Jason to self-sabotage. The two of you are very similar. You have a lot in common and you think similarly. But, one of your main differences in how you react to good things and people. Jason pushes until they leave, sometimes it doesn't even take much. And you, you've been told your entire life you’re a flight risk even when you try not to be. But, right now, with Jason, you don't want to run from it. Not now. So, you find it in yourself to ask.

"Can I ask why though?" Your words are slow, etched with hesitance.

"I'm fucked up." There's a hopelessness in his voice.

"So am I." You shrug and you’re not convincing him, just stating something that should be obvious.

"Okay, we're both a fucking  mess and that's not fair to either us." Jason shrugs his shoulders and maybe he is self-sabotaging a little. "You like Gar anyway, I'm kind of into Rose." His voice turns nonchalant as he tries his best to brush it off.

It's more than all of that. It's that you would die for him and he would never let you. He can't let you. It's that he's seen you through this terrible, horrible shit and he knows what happens when he gets involved. More terrible, horrible shit. Jason is aware that he is reckless and impulsive. He has no intention on stopping, it's how he is. It's rooted so deep in his blood, he can't imagine not being reckless or impulsive. He's also Robin, even if Bruce doesn't want him to be right now. He is. With all that, he might die one day because of it. Bruce hasn't and Dick hasn't, but he might. He doesn't get it, but that would be another terrible, horrible thing you would have to suffer through. At least, if you're friends, maybe it won't hurt so bad when it does happen.

Jason Todd believes he poisons everyone around him, he will not poison you. Not you.

"Yeah, that's true." You clear your throat and decide to drop the conversation. He's right and you know that. It's not worth discussing further. "I get it." You assure him. "We okay then?" You offer him the fakest smile you’ve ever given.

"Yeah, of course." Jason gives you a weak smile as he finishes wrapping your hands properly.

"Gonna get some rest?"

He shakes his head. "Nah, I'm gonna train a bit."

"You're insane." You let out a laugh and you laugh but you’re worried about him training.

"You did the same shit." Jason chuckles, the warm chuckle fills his chest but there’s a hollowness in it.

"Yeah, that was different.” You defend, eyes squinting slightly at him. “Can I stop you?"

Jason shakes his head. "Nope." Jason sucks in a breath. "I'm fine, alright? I won't train hard." Jason's voice is mocking as he forces a grin onto his face.

"I'll kick your ass if you do. I can do that now." You hold your head up high.

"In your fucking dreams, babe." Jason quips and for a second, it feels normal because it came out with ease.

"You wish I were dreaming about you, shithead." You mocks and it gets Jason to laugh again.

"You wish." Jason chortles and backs away so you can get off the counter. "Thanks for helping."

You smile softly at him and nods. "Yeah, of course."

"Meet up later?" Jason asks as he walks towards the door.

"Ya know where to find me." You let out a gentle laugh as you look to the ground and back to him.

"Alright." Jason nods at you before exiting the bathroom, his heart weighing heavily in his chest.

With Jason gone, the strength you had starts fleeting. The smile falls and your heart plummets. Your eyes burn and water as you clean up the supplies. You work as fast as you can so you can get back to your room and shut the door, shut the whole tower out for a few minutes.

When you get back to your room, you’re so quick that you accidentally slam the door but can't be bothered to even notice. You walk over to the table you have against the window, a sketchbook and liners scattered about the top. You place your hands on the surface and sucks in a ragged breath. Your chest feels like it's going to cave in and tears spill from your eyes. Her head hangs and you’re so tired of the pain. Being strong for Jason wasn't easy but it had to be done. You had to because he was going to fall apart. If you fall apart in front of him, because of him, he will lose it and you couldn't let that happen. But now you’re alone and you’re reminded and haunted about being kidnapped twice and beaten and almost fucking murdered. You were dropped from a skyscraper and you’re just supposed to live with that forever.

"Y/n?" Gar's voice pulls you from your thoughts.

You shake your head. "Go away, Gar." Your voice breaks as you sniffle.

Gar's brows furrow and his heart breaks. He can see you shaking and hear you crying. He's worried about you in the same way you’re worried about Jason. The last time you flew off the deep end, you went after Jerry. What if you go after Deathstroke? He kidnapped you and tried to kill you. It wouldn't be too far-fetched for you to do that and Gar can't lose you. He swears that he can't lose you and the guilt starts gnawing at the pit of his stomach, the voice in the back of his head is howling at him. This has to be on him, too because he never should have let it happen. He's supposed to protect the people he cares about.

"Are you okay?" Gar asks, taking a step forward.

"Go away!" You let out a sob, gritting your teeth with your eyes slammed shut. You can't do it right now.

"I'm not gonna do that." Gar's voice is quiet as he steps closer to you.

"Please, I can't..." You let out a cough. "I can't do this right now, okay?" You keep your back to him and your legs feel weak. The night has sucked all of the energy out of you like a black hole.

"I'm worried about you." Gar's voice cracks and that's it.

You let out a wail that sends a dagger through Gar's heart. He nearly shuts his eyes with the sound as if that will damper the noise. Your legs start to give out and Gar is quick to move behind you, wrapping his arms around you. The two of you go to the floor, you holding onto his arms tightly as you sob. Gar squeezes you in his lap, holding back his own tears as he rocks you back and forth slowly.

It's a tidal wave that finally pulls you under. There is only so much one person can take and you are at the end of your rope. This wasn't supposed to happen. You’re traumatized and scared and tired. You’re fucking exhausted and you want to let the water in, let it take the air from your lungs where you can finally feel relief because it's all just too much. The guilt glooms over you like the Reaper and you know you can't live with him staring back at you, a cruel reminder that you’re the reason you almost lost your best friend tonight.

If you were faster, if you were stronger, if you were more focused, if you didn't care so much about him, if you weren't so fucking scared, it all would have went differently. The Reaper will haunt you more than Deathstroke, more than Jerry because this one time, this is on you. This is your fault and when you tell Jason to put it on you it's because you believe, truly, that this is your fault. If anyone deserves to be haunted for it, if anyone deserves to drown, it's you. So, you sob and break as Gar holds you as close to him as possible and tell you over and over and over again that it's okay.

Gar left your door open and now Dick is standing in the doorframe watching. All he can see is Gar's back to him, rocking back and forth with you sobbing in his arms. Dick was just on his way back from the straining room where Jason has his leg bandaged and is still kicking and punching his way around the training room. He isn't pulling his punches, he's just training and training and training. He was on his way here to check on you and now he's witnessing something absolutely crushing.

He expected you to be not good, to say the least, but outright completely breaking wasn't what he expected. Jason is going to train himself into the ground and you’re having a mental breakdown and Gar is right in the middle of the two of you. This night did more than break the three of you because Dick is watching all of this happen to the three of you that he took in. The three of you he's been training. And part of this is on him. He's worried he'll end up losing all three of you in one sweep. He's supposed to be better than this and the only thing he can do is walk away because he can't say or do anything to make this easier for any of you.

"He dropped us." You whimper against Gar, ragged breaths leaving your lips.

"I know." Gar whispers to you. "I saw it." His voice breaks and he hates himself for it. He's supposed to be strong for you but he can't.

You shoot forward and look at him with horror. "What? What the fuck do you mean you saw it?" Your words are jumbled together, your face soaked in her own tears. You figured he did because of course they would have the news on, but it’s shocking and devasting to have the confirmation anyway.

Gar nods, his eyes haunted. "It was on the news."

You swing your arms around his shoulders and more tears leak from your eyes. "I'm so sorry."

"No, it's not your fault." Gar pulls away so he can look at your face. "It's not."

"You shouldn't have had to see that and--"

"Stop." Gar cuts you off. "It's okay. I'm okay." Gar lies and he's not okay. The sight of watching two of his favorite people get dropped fifteen stories will haunt him for the rest of his life.

"It's not okay." You whine. "It's not because you saw it. Because I should have done something. I could have and I didn't. We got kidnapped and beat up and Jason got fucking tortured and it's all my fucking fault, Gar." You let out another sob. "And Dick picked Jason."

There's a lot to unpack but you have the rest of the night so Gar picks one thing at a time. "What do you mean Dick picked Jason?"

"We were hanging there and Dick picked Jason to save." The cry that leaves your lips this time is so fragile, Gar thinks if he breathes too heavily it'll tear.

You know that picking Jason was possibly a smarter option. You actually get it because if it were Dick and Jason, you would have picked Jason, too. You know you can't possibly hold that against him because Jason was further down than you were. You could have pulled yourself up, you’re strong enough. Saving Jason was a priority and you know that but right now, with the weight of the world on your shoulders, it hurts.

It hurts because Dick didn't pick you. Dick didn't save you. He could have and he didn't. And he should have. In some way, Dick should have been able to save both of you because he was supposed to be Robin but he didn't. It doesn’t matter that Kory was there because you and Jason are Dick’s responsibility. And it hurts so bad you want your heart to stop beating because if it stops, maybe the pain will stop, too.

How is Gar supposed to respond to that? Call Dick an asshole? Maybe that's what you want to hear, he just can't tell. You’re logical, you understand why people do the things they do, usually. So, he knows, that somewhere inside that broken heart of yours, he knows you get it. So, he won't blame Dick.

"I'm so sorry, Y/n." Gar says quietly because apologizing might work better than putting blame on people.

"I get it, ya know?" You let out a cough and a ragged breath. "I get it because I would have saved Jason, too but it hurts anyway because I could have died again and it's just not fucking fair and Gar it fucking hurts." You sob once more, putting your hands over your face. "Make it stop, please." The word please shatters every piece of Gar. No amount of superglue is going to put him back together after that.

"Come here." Gar moves your hands from your face because he needs to do something, you don’t deserve to feel like this. "You're gonna be okay." Gar nods at you, cupping your face in his hands just as you did for Jason. "It's gonna hurt and I wish I could make it stop but I can't." Gar states, watching the tears fall from your eyes as your chin quivers. "But, it's not your fault, okay? You did everything you could. Deathstroke was just ahead of you guys the whole time. He was ahead of the other Titans, too."

"I should have been able to save us." You whimper.

Gar shakes his head. "You did everything you could and that's good enough. You melted the window, right?" Gar asks and you nod. "So, you did save yourself. Deathstroke was just faster."

"But, if I were faster then I could have melted the window and gotten us both in while Kory and Dick fought him."

"He would have seen though, right?" Gar tries to talk you into believing him. He wasn't there so he doesn't know but he can only guess everyone could see through the windows. You nod. "So, if you tried to get into the window, even while he was fighting Dick and Kory, he would have seen and set the bomb off anyway, right?"

You nod, realizing that's probably true. "But, I was focused on Jason and I wasn't fast enough. You know I can sense when people are gonna attack and I dropped the fucking ball." You whimper but it's calmer this time.

"But, none of us knew Deathstroke was working with Dr. Light. Why would you be on high alert?" Gar asks and he's just trying to give you some reasoning. He wants you to stop blaming yourself. He's worried about you. "You've never seen Jason fight before and you said you liked to watch Robin videos on YouTube, it was cool, right?" Gar asks and you nod. "Okay, so it makes sense, ya know?"

You sniffle and nod your head. "I should have known though."

"Hey, no. That's not how it works, okay?" Gar moves his hands to your shoulders. "Rachel and me got kidnapped and I got tortured." Gar states with furrowed brows. "We also got Dick and Kory tortured." Gar lets out a sigh. "We should have known. We should have expected something but we didn't but that wasn't our fault. It was a hospital, we shouldn't have needed to expect something like that to happen to any of us. It wasn't our fault then. And this, this isn't your fault either. This is Deathstroke's fault and Dr. Light. Dick didn’t blame us and he’s not going to blame you for this so you shouldn’t either."

You rub your eyes and nod your head. You have a hard time believing him but Gar is making you feel a little bit better. "I'm just..." You swallow the lump in your throat. "You and Jason just mean so much to me and I don't know what I would do if I lost either of you and I've done everything I can to survive. I don't wanna die either. It's...so fucking much." You let out a breath. "And I know that I should put myself first sometimes that like my mental health is important, blah blah blah, but I'm also so worried about Jason because you didn't see him in the bathroom tonight. And how am I supposed to deal with tonight," A few more tears come from your eyes as you work yourself up again. "And Jason because I won't abandon him and he needs me, he needs us. It's just so much and so fucking loud."

Gar cups your face again and he offers you the softest of smiles. "We take one day at a time, okay?" He asks. "I care about you and you don't have to do this alone. You or Jason." Gar states. "You're not alone in this, I promise."

You backs down. Your thoughts swirl in the forefront of your mind like that waterslide at the big waterparks. Just swirling, waiting to be sucked into the open but you push them down because Gar is trying to help and it's working. You hate feeling alone but Gar promises that he won't leave you alone with this, it means everything to you. You can't be alone in it, not right now. And you’re so grateful for him.

"Okay." You nod, putting your hands over his.

"Wanna keep talking about it?" Gar asks.

You shake your head. "No, no, not anymore. I want...to forget it." You nod quickly.

"Okay." Gar nods and he wishes you'd talk more about it. He doesn't want it to simmer too long but he won't push. "Movie?"

"Please."

"Okay." Gar offers you a smile, brushing your hair from your face. "Let's get up."

You nods softly, carefully getting up, feeling the weight of everything making your limbs heavy. But, you get to your feet, Gar following as you do. He's standing close to you, as if afraid if he steps one step away, you'll shatter again.

"C-can I see if Jason wants to watch?" You suck in a breath, your breathing uneven. "He's training and um...ya know?" You dodge his eyes and even after all that, you revert back to worry about Jason. Worrying about him is significantly better than trapping yourself in your thoughts about yourself.

"Why the hell is he training right now?" Gar's voice goes up an octave. He's really starting to wonder if anyone in this tower has any healthy coping mechanisms. He's guessing not.

You shrug. "It's Jason." The sigh that escapes you is defeated.

"We should probably tell Dick, then. Lock the training room or something." Gar suggests and Jason is his best friend. Gar doesn't want Jason running himself into the ground or causing himself more physical or mental pain. He's had enough for one lifetime.

You shakes your head quickly. "Hell no, Jason'll be pissed. If Dick doesn't fucking figure it out, that's on Dick." You snap, getting a quick glance from Gar. "Sorry, it's just," You grit your teeth. "Had he just let Jason fucking help, none of this would have happened." You scoff. "We can't tell Dick."

Gar nods, not liking the response but you’re right. "Yeah, we should probably invite him then." The corner of Gar's mouth twitches up slightly into something sad and hopeless.

"Thanks, Gar." You smile shyly at him.

"Yeah, of course." Gar's smile is sad.

You tell Gar you’re going to change and then grab Jason. While you change, Gar goes off to his room to grab one of his blankets. For you, it feels good to get out of your blood-stained clothes. There's a comfort that fills your blood when you put on your pajamas, feeling far more comfortable in them. It's as if changing, puts a close on the night. It's over and that, for right now, is what's important. You’re safe in this tower.

You walk into the training room where Jason is punching one of the punching bags, favoring his left leg. It pains you to even watch. He shouldn't be training at all.

"Hey, Jay?" You call and your voice brings a sense of comfort over Jason.

He stops looking over to you as you take a few steps toward him. "What's up?" He asks.

"Uh...Gar and me are gonna watch a movie." You state and you feel nervous for the first time around him. "Do you wanna come?"

Jason lets out a breath, looking to the ground and back to you. "Nah, I'm good," his words are short as he turns back to the bag and you won't take no for an answer.

You close the distance between you, walking just to the side of him as he takes a swing. "Why not?"

"Don't want to." His words are snippy now and you aren't having it. He's watching the movie even if you have to drag him out of here by his ear.

"Jay." You urge and Jason ignores you. "Jason." Your voice goes louder, a hoarseness to it but Jason keeps ignoring you. You grow frustrated but choose not to show it. Instead, you walk up to him, putting a hand on his bicep and Jason stops punching. He glances at you as you move in front of him. Your puffy and red eyes don't get unnoticed by him. "You're not doing this to yourself, okay? It's fucking late anyway."

Jason scans your face and he can't let you down again, not tonight. "You're both fucking worried about me and I don't wanna fucking talk about it, alright?"

"I don't want to either, that's why we're watching a movie. We don't have to talk, just the three of us." You scrunch your face as if Jason should have known you’re also done with the talking.

Jason lets out a sigh. He is tired. He's somehow consumed with his own thoughts and none at all from the exhaustion that has his head turning foggy. Jason doesn't like to listen to many people who have his best interests at heart, but he decides to listen to you this time.

"What movie?"

"Didn't discuss one, but I always really liked Now You See Me." You give him a cheeky smile, knowing you’ve won this one.

"Which is what?"

"Magicians—"

Jason lets out a genuine laugh and every bit of you feel better with the sound, it's better than your favorite song. "Magicians?! I might be thespian but at least I'm not a fucking magician."

"Yeah and are you robbing banks with your theater songs?" You quip and Jason's eyes narrow but the corner of his mouth twitches into a grin.

"Robbing banks?"

"Mhm, master magicians get together, rob a few banks. It's such a good movie, I swear. I think you'll like it."

"Guess you've convinced me." Jason pulls the boxing globes from his hands.

"I am very convincing." You wiggle your brows at him, Jason looking to the ground as a response.

He nods. "Yeah, you've got your moments."

"Come on, then." You stick your hand out for him and he glances at it before looking back to you with a disapproving look. He can see the red against the white gauze .

"Yeah, I'm not grabbing your fucking hand." Jason scoffs.

You look down and nod. "Yeah, that's fair. Ya know, if had like fire powers or something--"

"No." Jason lets out a laugh. "No!" His nose scrunches.

"What?" You laugh.

"Gonna cauterize your own fucking hands?"

"YEAH!" You yell through a booming laugh. "As if you wouldn't do the same! That's how you knew I was gonna say that!"

Jason's laugh is loud and brings warmth to your chest and for a second, you think he might be okay. "Maybe!" His eyes are wide, not distant or filled of pain for just that second.

"Exactly!" You chortle. You let out a sigh. "Come on, Gar is waiting." You nod your head towards the door, interlocking your arm with his.

Back in the room, Gar has the movie ready with a bowl of freshly popped popcorn and three Gatorades for all of you. He knew Jason wouldn't say no to you. Gar isn't blind or stupid. He knew Jason would listen so he prepared stuff for all three of you. And Jason is his best friend, he wants to make sure Jason is okay just as much as you. He can't imagine losing either one of you.

You sit between the two boys as you hold the bowl of popcorn on your lap so everyone can reach. You all share one of Gar’s fleece blankets as Gar presses play on the movie. You and Jason don't have much of an appetite but Gar went through the trouble of making sure you had popcorn and if neither of you eat it, Gar will worry more. So, the two of you take a few pieces every so often to not look too suspicious.

As the movie plays on, Jason feels sleep yanking on his bones. The whole night was a wreck and the sun has officially come up. He's been up well over twenty-four hours and the stress of everything has him more exhausted than he's felt in his entire life. The adrenaline crash was one thing, but this is different. He's so comfortable sitting here watching a magic movie with his best friends that sleep pulls and tugs because it's the safest he's felt. It's the most comfortable he's felt and he doesn't feel so vulnerable around the two of you. He fights it as much as he can because he wants to finish the movie and he doesn't want to be the first one to fall asleep so he tries to just rest his eyes. Resting his eyes quickly turned into sleep taking over and his head flops onto your shoulder.

You look down and gain a soft smile with him asleep. You’ve been wanting to pass out since you sat down. Between the crying and the panic and beatings and the pain, you’re fucking exhausted. Your bones hurt, you’re nauseous from lack of sleep, and your eyes burn with every blink. Your vision has even gone a little blurry but you’ve been fighting it because you couldn't sleep without knowing Jason was okay. But, now he's asleep on your shoulder and you feel at peace. So, you place your head on Gar's shoulder and closes your eyes.

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Tag list: @fairyofshampoo // @italiana-20 // @jasontoddsmentaldisorders // @purplerose291 // @lovelessamai  // @makaelaseresin // @lenidaslenchen // @thatfangirl42 // @ghostkingblake // @im-done-with-this-im-out // @velvetskies // @lilylovelyxo // @cryinghotmess // @yesimwriting // @vivian-555​ 

A/n: So, the endgame is definitely Jason and I have a plan for putting him with reader lol I promise

[sitp-recs]

When I saw that Anti-romance/Heartbreak was the 2nd most voted option for a V Day rec list I couldn’t resist! I’m surprised that I came up with so many titles, as I don’t usually read unhappy endings. Or maybe - as I came to realize - I do read them, as long as they’re short enough to make me recover nice and quick 😂 I’ve got to be in a mood to dive into these but oh boy, do they hurt good. Darkness and heartbreak done right can be fascinating and cathartic in a very special way, and what better date to indulge than today?

Disclaimer: there’s no MCD or force majeure at work here. I specifically wanted fics that showcase heartbreak as the result of human action - flawed characters, bad choices, cruelty, messed up romance. Some are on the darker side, some are just angsty af, some include toxic relationships and fidelity issues. Please mind the tags and enjoy! Major thanks to @writcraft who brainstormed ideas with me and was especially invested in this theme, and to my dear pal @tackytigerfic who didn’t even think twice before selecting this option on the poll. This is for you both! <3

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Bitter. Sweet. Alive. by @gracerene (E, 6.7k)

Tomorrow, everything is going to change, but they still have tonight.

Epitaphs in Autographs by @vukovich (E, 7k)

A series of works surrounding death, imperfect relationships, flawed coping, and humanity.

Blame Is Shaped Like A Circle by @sleepstxtic-drarry and @gnarf (T, 7k)

Harry and Draco take you through the story of their life together.

The Way It Is by amalin (M, 7k)

‘Give it time,’ Hermione advised. Harry was draped atop the Potions book he was supposed to be reading, the instructions for Stinging Solution an ironically cool comfort against his cheek, her fingers carding gently through his hair. ‘It was just—you’ll feel better, in time.’

The Turquoise Cottage by deja_lu (M, 7.6k)

Draco Malfoy lives in a cottage. It's a very nice cottage. Every morning, she makes herself tea. The kettle is broken, so she boils the water in a pot. Then Harry Potter turns up.

hear me (with your whole body) by @teacup-tai (E, 9k)

It was a sexy idea, exploring other bodies with Draco, engaging in sex with other people to spice things up. Something inside of him was excited about the prospect, but the nagging fear, the feeling of abandonment that follows each image that pops in his head is throwing him off.

Saltwater Stain by @the-starryknight (M, 9k)

Seven days stuck on a boat investigating a rogue ghost wouldn't be so bad if Harry didn't want Draco so much. Draco has his rules and Harry's content to follow them, but the air feels different away from the shore.

The Disappearing Act by @corvuscrowned (M, 11k)

The only thing Potter is good at is disappearing from Draco's life. But Draco can't just stand by and watch the man destroy himself.

Closure is a state of mind by @quicksilvermaid (E, 12k)

After Harry's husband Charlie is killed, his Mind Healer recommends a Polyjuice therapy company, so Harry can see 'Charlie' again and find closure over his death.

The Eighth Tale by lettered (E, 12k)

Draco Malfoy tries to fix the past, but instead mucks it up some more. For Harry, it all becomes quite clear.

any day now by @oknowkiss (E, 17k)

Draco supposes he should be grateful. The rehabilitation centres were the Minister’s idea, or that’s what the Prophet said anyway.

I Love You by Curlee_Cue (M, 18k)

Harry knows what love is. It’s something that grows. Something that adapts. Something that sometimes needs a little help along the way. (or the one in which Harry loses his mind).

Collapse Amongst the Dying Stars by @writcraft (M, 26k)

After the final battle nothing is quite as Harry expected. Death Eaters remain unaccounted for, Malfoy is in prison and there is something rotten in Azkaban.

The Good Guys by Frayach (E, 26k)

When Draco Malfoy is captured red-handed trying to sell an illegal potion to a clerk at Borgin & Burkes, he is handed over to the Department of Essential and Necessary Truth’s newest interrogator.

Dreaming Darkly by @quicksilvermaid (E, 40k)

It's five years after the war, and Harry is not okay. He hates his job. He hates Robards. He hates Ron's promotions and Hermione's concern.

Absolution by sunnyeclipses (E, 63k)

At the mercy of his failing marriage, Harry only meant to use the potion once — to get Draco to listen. It’s not his fault that it works so well and that Draco’s just so easy to control.