#maybe she got kidnapped because she tried to get him out but she got outwitted that one time idk

[zorkaya-moved]

Thinking about how Zarina might know Cazador and I don’t like it 🫠

[phoebehalliwell]

Piper/Kyle, except it's an AU where Kyle's parents were never killed by demons, so he lived a perfectly normal, happy childhood and grew up to follow their footsteps into teaching and Kyle's a normal, maybe even a little boring archaeology professor who secretly dreams of having his very own Indiana Jones moment - up until the day he opens some dusty old chest and unleashes a demon that tries to kill him, and he barely gets away only to run into this petite brunette woman who proceeds to blow the demon the fuck up, and Kyle's never believed in love at first sight before, but he's pretty sure he can make an exception for Piper

wait omg mentally stable kyle au okay wait i gotta wrap my head around this kyle but not absofuckinlutely insane whatta picture omg. okay. i feel like he’s still gotta have this belief in the supernatural i feel like that’s a large part of the charm in literally any kyle dynamic with the sisters is Witch Who Gets It and Man Who’s Only Got Raw Data. there’s an appeal to that. seeing things from different angles all that. so we can say kyle ever good at puzzles has taken his parents notes and everything he knows and various texts and kinda pieced together okay magic does exist. but in this au he’s a professor and not an fbi agent so he can’t just walk around saying Magic Is Real because um he needs this job. also he’s never seen it. but like. the data does not like. like. like it’s real man like are you kidding me. and we’ll say he has one normal friend because he’s normal in this au and he’s like okay here me out tho magic is real and his friend is like ......okay. because like. it could be, i guess? i’m not gonna fight you on this. and kyle also definitely read a lot as a kid he reads a lot now and he’s always kinda like. like you know wondered what it might be like to be a man of action not someone stuck behind a desk all day seeing the world through books. so when he starts to see markers of the gathering storm,,, well. these are the times that make a man. he can either be a pussy about it and keep living his life through paper and ink, or he can follow his intuition. blah blah blah this leads him to get kidnapped by pirates which like. excuse me??? and kyle’s kinda kicking himself because he Wanted to be like a character in an adventure book and well like bada bing bada boom you get what you ask for. which. all due respect on his part. is smart enough to outwit them and escape. he might have dropped his wallet there tho. but when he goes back the same route wandering through the thick fog, all he finds is a solid wall of rock. so i guess he’s fucked in that regard. whoops. but!! magic is real. so that’s a dub. digs a little bit more into the blackjack cutting lore, maybe finds the x marks the spot on where their main hideout was, road trip to. seattle? i guess? port city that isn’t san francisco but is more reasonable to drive to that like. nola or boston. and lo and behold he finds it and find their documentation of the gathering storm accidentally trips a booby trap and jesus fucking christ pirate skeletons with sword which - respectfully - kyle is holding his own for the most part, not getting immediately worried, but there’s no way that would have lasted had the three skeletons not been blown to pieces. and he looks over and sees three brunettes and the one in the center is like who the hell are you? to which kyle really feels like He should be the one asking that question but after stammering out some kind of response about how he’s a professor and he was just looking for some soil samples something generic archaeological because hey. he doesn’t trust these women. he doesn’t know what side they’re on. and he’s not just gonna sacrifice the information he has on the gathering storm. and it’s obvious they don’t believe him, but they don’t kill him either. instead, the one in the center just says be more careful where you leave your stuff and tosses his wallet back to him.

and later at the manor paige is like we just let him go?? and phoebe’s like yeah how to we know he’s not a demon? he wouldn’t be the first to pose as a mortal in the mortal world (because phoebe went to the university to return kyle’s wallet because like it has is ID in it employee id all that under the guise of like. giving a lecture to some of the student’s there as the bay’s leading advice columnist oh hey is there a kyle brody here yeah haha he’s a friend of a friend anyone seen him no he’s on vacation right now? left real abruptly? and then immediately went into his office and touched every surface trying to get a premonition (au in which phoebe didn’t get her powers stripped) and concluded that he’s just Some Guy. like he like has friends and a nine to five and an apartment. so a guy). but piper’s like we don’t know. but we also don’t know what he’s up to or what his connection to the pirates was, which is why i cast a tracking spell on the wallet. and both phoebe and paige approve and in this au again phoebe didn’t get her powers stripped so in styx feet under it’s her and paige on mission and as paige is the one who cast the protection spell and as paige is also very stubborn and also refuses to let innocents die she is the one who gets to become death. she also has a very compelling relationship with death because like. she watched her parents die. and she’s prue’s replacement. the replacement for the dead girl. also fun paige/prue parallel! meanwhile right Should state in any piper/kyle au we just extend pleo’s divorce era by having him remain an elder and keeping that early s6 vibe. so piper’s definitely like a bit more neurotic than normal because you know things haven’t gone great for her and those pirates were warning about the gathering storm and honestly that better not be something that’s gonna hurt her boys because she really could not bear to lose another family member so she’s doing some digging which begins to imply that kyle knows more that he let on so where is he now? the university? great.

and kyle’s you know minding his own business in his office when the same woman practically kicks down his door and is like alright i’m gonna ask again who the hell are you and this time you better answer me honestly. to which: wow. like wow. she’s. she’s a force to be reckoned with and also kinda immediately gains points in kyle’s book for like a) kinda confronting him about knowing more because he’s pretty good at covering his tracks all that so if he’s been Found Out it’s by someone good and b) she also disintegrated evil pirate skeletons so like. 👍. But. he does not trust her for shit. no. absolutely not. he has no reason to. but piper’s not yielding blasts a hole in the wall near his head like quickly now or next time i won’t miss but kyle’s so fuckin stubborn he’s like 🤐 and piper’s. i mean, she can’t kill an innocent. she doesn’t know if that’s who he is, but she can’t run that risk. and kyle’s not saying shit, so she leaves.

then it’s the guardian angel episode where the charmed ones are there on instruction (though they don’t know what they’re looking for. maybe they were just scrying for information) and kyle’s there on a hunch and piper and kyle see each other and it’s um. mac charlie see each other from across the room reaction image. both like. what the fuck are you doing here? and in this one paige is still the one to get her guardian angel stolen and piper’s immediately on high alert because you know big sister/mom mode activated. but they don’t know what they’re looking for and kyle’s like it’s her guardian angel. and piper once again snaps to him firey look in her eyes but kyle’s really just trying to place nice here so he’s like guardian angels. they’ve been going missing being stolen whatever. he’s got the research on it. and piper doesn’t want to trust him but paige is really in grave danger. so, as the sister with the offensive power, she’s going with kyle, and phoebe has to make sure paige doesn’t like. pull a grams. (which for the record i do not accept prewitched as canon but like the elders definitely killed grams <3)

so blah blah blah piper’s now and kyle’s place which is ten times worse than his office because this is where he does his real work and he’s got all the guardian angel shit up and out and is explaining it to piper and it’s making sense but what catches her eye is something on the gathering storm that kyle left out now they’re talking about that they’re starting to realize they’re on the same side. blah blah blah save paige. next episodes what werewolf episode. skip. then!! idk paige still runs magic school right so she’s in the library and she calls piper and she’s like hey remember when you told me to keep an eye out on the gathering storm? and piper’s like yes yeah what is it? and she’s like well we’re inventorying the library and we have books on them and piper’s like that’s good news ! ? and paige is like yeah but we’re missing one. book five. in this something something series. and piper knows Exactly where that book is because she fucking saw it on kyle’s kitchen counter. so now she’s barging into kyle’s place which is getting to be a common occurrence at this point and kyle kinda wants to complain but this is by far the most interesting his life’s been ever and honestly? he’d be kinda bummed if piper stopped kicking down his door. wait actually scratch that you want my book no fuck you changed my mind. to which piper’s like look we’re looking for the same goal here right so give me the book because i have the rest of the series and this could be the missing puzzle piece and kyle’s like okay fine i’ve read the book cover to cover give me the rest of the series and i’ll get you your answers and piper’s like okay let’s get things straight here i’m the witch you’re some two bit archeology professor so when it comes to the handling of sacred magical tomes i’ll be taking the reigns here and kyle’s like fine then you won’t be taking the book. and piper’s like wanna bet and the next think kyle knows he’s hearing the door slam his book’s gone and he’s hearing tires peel out onto the street and he has no idea how she did it. 

back at the manor piper’s got her reading glasses on an volume one open and god this fucking sucks. so she makes phoebe take a stab at it and she hates reading it too. paige also starts it and is like respectfully no. piper’s the only one who did the reading in high school. this is her turf. but my god she cannot make it through all eight of these fucking books. So. she calls kyle. he has to come to the manor because there’s no way she’s giving him the books and there’s no way she’s letting him in magic school so. hi. welcome to the house. but!! by a contrived plot device!!!! a gnome has been shot in magic school this book was the only thing at the scene and paige wants to investigate further but she can’t just leave it out there so she brings it back to the manor she’s gonna cast some spell to find out if there are already spells on the book how to reverse it she just needs to find the spell first and like. there’s no way in hell paige ever wears an outfit with big enough pockets to keep the book on her. so she leaves it on the table. to which kyle asks how this is relevant to the collection. to which piper says don’t open that!! whoops. see, this is why i said we don’t let two bit archeology professors near magical books! piper/kyle charmed noir..............

[angst-fairygodmother]

Hey you like Hadestown right? Well its got the perfect prompt for something angsty with a bard: "Where is she?" "What do you care? You'll find another muse somewhere." Maybe because someone kidnaps the reader and the bard in question has to get her back?

A/N: I legitimately choked on my cup of iced tea when I read this prompt. You are cruel Nonny. Absolutely cruel. And I feel attacked. Obviously, I couldn’t wait to write this. I went with Valdo because “my muse” is the #1 pet name I have him use, and with Jaskier let’s be honest, even if he did fall for the reader, his true muse is still Geralt. Word Count: 2839 Rating: M - Kidnapping, violence, threats of violence, blackmail, murder, descriptions of injuries - seriously, y’all it’s dark

Your heart swelled with pride as you watched the crowd rather than the performance, noting how even the most prim and proper of the nobility in attendance were tapping their feet or nodding their heads as Valdo Marx worked his magic for the University crowd. It didn’t matter that there were other bards set to perform in the evening’s showcase, he had clearly already stolen the show.

“He’s really something, isn’t he?” an unfamiliar voice said, close to your ear.

You nodded, recognizing that Valdo was coming up on one of your favorite parts of the song he was playing, the section he often described as yours, and not wanting to talk over it.

“It’s a shame tonight will be his final performance.”

“What are you talking about?” you snapped.

You tried to turn your head to glare at the stranger, unsure if he was simply spouting nonsense or if he thought he knew something you didn’t but not liking it either way, but he caught the back of your head in the grip of his large hand, forcing you to remain looking forward.

“I don’t want to cause a scene Sweetheart,” he hissed. You gulped as you felt something sharp press into your ribs. “So why don’t you just take a walk with me. Nice and easy, there we go.”

You felt sick as he coaxed you mockingly, moving toward the door through the back of the crowd. You knew that from where he walked you, Valdo wouldn’t be able to see, but you hoped that someone else might, and at the very least could alert him to your distress when the show was over.

“Where are you taking me?” you hissed, determined not to give in so easily.

You squirmed against his grip, now vicelike against your arm. For a moment you thought you caught the eye of a curly-haired and well-dressed woman in the crowd and she frowned briefly, puzzled, before turning away. No one else seemed to notice. Your heart sank.

“Relax, pet. My employer just wants a word with you. And your lover.” You could hear the smirk in the man’s voice. “No shut up and stop resisting before I have to do something…unpleasant.”

~

Valdo bowed, basking in the claps and adoring cheers, throwing winks and kisses at the crowd, playing up his flirtations even though it was common knowledge across the continent by now that he had taken a lover and was quite loyal to her. As he preened and charmed, he sought you out, caring more about your smile than any of the other praise he was offered. Confusion knitted his brow when he couldn’t find you. Wrapping quickly, he stepped off the stage, pushing his way toward where he had seen you last.

“Valdo,” a soft voice called out to him.

“Ah, Triss!” he greeted the mage with a somewhat forced smile, continuing to move and relieved that she made an easy effort to keep up with him. “How lovely to see you. I am terribly sorry, but I don’t have time to stop and chat just now. But if you’re here for the whole festival we should catch up. There’s someone I’d like you to meet.”

“Yes, the mysterious, Y/N. I’ve heard all the rumors. Assuming she’s who I saw and not some…exotic foreign princess or ethereal fae queen, you’re not going to find her out here. She was going somewhere with Gizrin Virs man.”

Valdo’s head whipped around to look at his friend so fast his perfectly coifed curls bounced. “What? When? Was she alright? Where did they go?” he snapped.

“During your penultimate song. She didn’t seem hurt but it also didn’t look like a friendly chat. I lost them in the crowd before I could see where they were headed.” Triss sighed at the concern and rage warring on Valdo’s face. “Relax Valdo, I’m sure you’ll find her and she’ll be fine. If she keeps up with you, she’s not some wilting rose.”

He snorted in amusement. That much at least was true. You were a force of nature and he was often content to just ride along in your wake.

“Now, what I can tell you is that Gizrin has a pavilion near the southern edge of the festival grounds. It’s much larger than necessary, a hideous shade of green and gold, and has a steady stream of attractive young people coming and going. You can’t miss it.”

Triss held out her hand expectantly. Valdo looked at it and then up at her face with its raised eyebrows and knowing smirk, then back down at it again.

“Are you planning to strum a ditty at him?”

He sighed and handed her his lute, which she took with a nod and a promise to keep it safe for his return.

~

“Where is she?” Valdo asked, storming into the pavilion that Triss had described. “Where is Y/N?”

About a half-dozen scantily clad men and women who had been lounging on the couches therein scattered at the sight of the furious man. The only one who remained was a young man, barely more than a boy, soft milky skin identifying him clearly as a noble, likely Girzin’s latest misguided patron. He casually inspected his nails.

The man scoffed. “What do you care? You’ll find another muse somewhere.”

Valdo fought the urge to wrap his hands around his scrawny neck. “Where. Is. She?”

“Gone. Six feet under the ground maybe, or in a heap with the rest of the refuse where she belongs by now.”

Before he could reign himself in, not that he particularly wanted to in that moment anyway, he crossed the remaining space between them and gripped the other man’s collar in tight fists.

Pulling him close, Valdo snarled. “Don’t you dare speak of Y/N that way. I know that Gizrin took her. I don’t know why and I don’t care. Tell me where they are before I tear this tent apart bit by bit, starting with you.”

The noble drew in a sharp breath, stammering something about his title, meaningless in reality and purchased for a handful of gold and favors, and how Valdo couldn’t do that, should unhand him that instant. Instead, he shook the boy like a terrier with a rat, bared teeth and flashing eyes close to his face just to get his point across.

“Okay, okay!” he cried out, dropping his bluster in a panic. “Gizrin left an hour ago. Said something about an appointment by the docks and some peasant whore. Please don’t hurt me!”

“Now get out of my sight, and if so much as a single hair on her head is harmed, know that I will hold you personally responsible and will hunt you to the ends of the Earth to make you pay.”

He shoved the noble away, causing him to stumble. As Valdo towered over him, he scrambled to his feet and fled, pale-faced and sweating.

~

Valdo was cautious as he moved toward the docks, whole body taut and fingers itching to rest on the hilt of his hidden blade. Still, when he spotted the three figures on the far end, he projected an air of casual indifference as he approached, strolling up as if joining a picnic. His eyes roved shrewdly over the scene. To one side was Gizrin Virs, a short, sandy-haired man, around Valdo’s own age though he looked older because of the pocks and weather-wearing on his skin which spoke to poor personal care. He was pacing. Behind him and off to the other side, was a tall, broad-shouldered and equally blonde man, holding you by the arm. You were stock still and straight-backed. Valdo’s eyebrows knitted together in a frown.

“Ah, Marx, good of you to arrive!” Gizrin called out congenially. “I had been wondering when you’d show up. I’m sure sweet Y/N was starting to worry.”

“Dove, are you alright?” Valdo asked, ignoring Gizrin.

“I-I’m fine Valdo,” you answered, voice trembling and sharp with fear. “E-everything’s f-fi-fine.”

“Let her go Gizrin.”

“No, I don’t think I will. See, you made a fatal mistake Marx, and now I hold all the cards.”

He stepped forward, a showman commanding the stage, and his bodyguard followed, dragging you roughly with him, making sure that your love saw exactly what the situation was.

“Alright, let’s not do anything hasty,” Valdo said, holding his hands up in surrender, swallowing thickly to keep his voice from tremoring. “We can talk about this.”

No one was more surprised by his hesitance than Valdo himself. Especially when facing a poor bard and even worse small-time crime lord like Virs. Normally, he would have seen the threat and taken it as a challenge, both a mental and physical exercise in outwitting his enemy. But the sight of you standing there, knife pressed beneath your chin and tears rolling down your cheeks, one of which was already bruised and purple, made his blood run cold with genuine terror.

“Are you trying to negotiate with me?” Gizrin asked with an incredulous laugh. “You’re in no place to bargain. Not if you care about your precious Y/N’s well-being.”

“You clearly want something from me, or you wouldn’t be doing this. Is it money? Information? Some connection of mine that you need leveraged? Tell me and it’s yours. Just let her go.”

“No. I think she’ll be staying right here with Hector until our business is finished. Just to make sure you follow through.”

The mountainous man in question flashed Valdo a malicious grin and used your hair to yank your head back, exposing your throat more thoroughly to his large, heavy blade. You bit your lip to keep from crying out at the shock and pain, but a small whimper still managed to escape. The pitiful sound drew a sharp breath from Valdo and he mentally vowed to make sure both men suffered for hurting you.

“See, here’s the thing Marx, you’re in my way, and I need to make sure that you not only get out of it, but stay out. Especially now that Dandelion has decided he cares more for chasing some witcher through the wilderness and Essi’s dead of smallpox, there isn’t much true competition left. If you’re gone, then the choice for entertaining the courts will be myself or talentless lesser bards.” Gizrin gestured broadly, bell-shaped shirtsleeves flapping in the sea breeze around them. “The choice will be obvious.”

“That’s what this is about?” Valdo reeled back as if he had been hit, fury reaching a white-hot pitch within him. “You’re threatening her life because you’re, what, jealous?”

“You fail to understand. With you out of the picture, I will have my pick of commissions. No one will ever laugh or look down on me again. I’ll have the fame I deserve.”

“You deserve to die in obscurity, you bastard,” you suddenly snapped, lashing against Hector’s grip.

Valdo chuckled at the look on Gizrin’s face from your words. It wasn’t as eloquent as he might have spoken, but you’d still managed to strike with precision and great effect.

And then the other bard’s expression grew dark. “Cut out her tongue,” he growled.

“As you say boss.” Hector used the hand in tangled in your tresses to turn you toward him. “Hold still pet, or else you’ll just make the hurt more. I bet you’ll be a pretty sight all bloodied and silent.”

You thrashed in his grasp, wild and desperate to get away from the dagger now drawing close to your face, not caring about how your hair pulled or your neck wrenched.

“Stop!” Valdo cried out. “Please, stop. Whatever you want. I’ll do whatever you want.”

“I knew it. I had you the minute you fell in love.” Gizrin laughed. “We’re all going to go back to the festival like friends and you are going to, quite publically, announce your immediate and complete retirement. Then you’re going to disappear to some obscure little fishing village or whatever and never show your face in high society, or anywhere worthwhile, again.”

“That’s bullshit!” you shouted, even as you saw the surrender on Valdo’s face. “You were made for the stage Valdo, you can’t give that up.”

His emerald eyes met yours and you could see the tears swimming in them. He tilted his head softly and smiled adoringly at you.

“Sweetest rose in the garden of my heart, my beloved, I would gladly give it all up rather than lose you. If this is what it takes to have you back in my arms again, than this is what I will do.”

“Adorable,” Gizrin drawled. “Let’s get on with it then.”

~

You watched on in horror as Valdo spoke to the gathered crowd, massive and murmuring with excited curiosity. He claimed that he had found a new purpose in life and that the life of a troubadour was no longer for him. To hear him speak, it was as divine revelation, the realization that he was not meeting his true potential. And yet his voice was dull and lifeless, a recited list of things to pick up from market. A hush fell over the crowd as the words and their meaning began to settle into minds. His shoulders slumped as he walked away, ignoring the shouted questions from every corner of the open space.

“A pleasure doing business with you Marx. I’m sure retirement will suit you. And remember, if you renege on your end of the deal, I’ll have her killed and deliver her head as your encore bouquet.”

Gizrin nodded, and Hector shoved you forward, stumbling straight into Valdo’s chest. He wrapped his arms protectively around you, squeezing as if there was no way for you to be close enough to satisfy him. He pressed his cheek against the top of your head, breathing in the scent of you and you felt him shaking beneath your fingertips.

As they walked away, laughing, you finally let yourself cry, for fear and for grief, too lost in your emotions and the feeling of Valdo’s soothing hands stroking along your spine that you did not see the look exchanged between him and the curly-haired mage.

~

That night, as the festivities faded into small gatherings and quiet activities, you and Valdo walked through the camp, arms wrapped around each other’s waist as if afraid to let go.

“Where are we going?” you asked, realizing that you were going in the wrong direction. “Our tent is that way.”

“I just have one bit of business to take care of, and then we’ll turn in,” he replied distractedly, looking around.

Finally you approached a woman, standing alone at the edge of one of the large, communal bonfires. You recognized her as the one who you had tried to get to help you earlier and wondered if she in fact had.

“Triss Marigold,” she said, offering you her hand and a smile. “It is such a pleasure to meet you, Y/N. I’ve heard so much about you, and Valdo is one of my dearest friends. I am sorry that it’s not happier circumstances though.”

You shook her hand in return. You had a vague recognition and knowledge of the name, but not enough to offer a statement mirroring her own.

“Did you get them?” Valdo asked impatiently.

Triss rolled her eyes good-naturedly. “Of course I did, who do you take me for? This way.”

She led the way out into the surrounding forest, conjuring a small globe of bright white light to float beside her when the trees became too dense for the firelight to penetrate. A few minutes later, you found yourself in a clearing and there, dangling from a snare of vines were the two men you had quickly come to hate with every fiber of your being.

“Gentlemen,” Valdo said with a cold smile. “Lovely to see you again. I think we have some unfinished business.”

“You think you can threaten me right back Marx?” Gizrin scoffed. “It doesn’t work like that. You don’t scare me.”

Hector merely sneered, eyes boring into you.

“No, no. I don’t intend to threaten you. That would be beneath me.”

Quicker than a striking snake, Valdo whipped out a thin blade and slit Hector’s throat, leaving him to choke and bleed to death.

“I’m going to kill you for daring to lay a hand on Y/N. And Triss has already agreed that you two will make lovely fertilizer for the plant life here. No one will ever find your bodies. And the best part? No one will ever remember you.”

“I don’t normally condone such violence,” Triss explained. “But this seems an appropriate exception.”

“You don’t mean it,” Gizrin stated unconvincingly. “You wouldn’t…it won’t save your reputation or your career, you already said that you were giving it up.”

Valdo laughed, high and harsh and a tingle ran down your spine. “You think I care? I’m Valdo Marx, I can handle a little professional inconvenience. I’ll bounce back. This is personal.”

[neverwatchedonepiece]

596-597: "On the Verge of Annihilation! A Deadly Monster Comes Flying In!" and "An Intense Battle! Caesar Exercises His True Power!"

so i herd u were gonna kick my ass?

I have said this a lot lately... but what just happened?

Did Caesar just clean house?

Did he actually just systematically destroy the opposition BY HIMSELF? Luffy, Robin, Franky, Tashigi and Smoker one after the other?

Damn. I did not expect that at all. Right up until the final twist, I was convinced Luffy was going to take him and it would have been mission accomplished (then, after that, defeat Smiley and escape Punk Hazard without letting Caesar wriggle out of their clutches).

Caesar is much stronger than I thought. 

The man said it himself at the end of 597: “Don’t underestimate me.” I regret to admit that I did, Caesar. I totally did. I thought he’d live up to the usual Mad Scientist Trope Manifestation: a non-fighter who is very clever but a bit cowardly and useless when the fight turns physical.

Instead, Oda has gifted us with an Absolute Madman with more tricks up his sleeve than a pub magician.

Let’s Set That Thing Full of Poison Gas on Fire! What Could Possibly Go Wrong?

The action picked up where 595 left off. Luffy announced to the world that he would kick the Master’s ass and kidnap him!

Needless to say, this announcement did not go down well with Caesar’s centaur minions. Did that rubbery whippersnapper say he’d kick our beloved Master’s ass and kidnap him? TAKE HIM DOWN!

Once the steam from impact had cleared, Smoker also realised the Strawhats had fallen right into his lap again and gave the order to capture them. For about two seconds *everyone* was after them. And it did not phase Luffy, Franky or Robin in the slightest. While Luffy searched for Caesar, Robin and Franky dealt with the Fodders. Must say Robin and Franky have excellent Volume Fodder Clearance techniques.

There was comedy gold moment when Luffy didn’t realise he wasn’t fighting Smoker. “Hey, Smokey! Glad you’re okay. Was worried the way Law beat you up earlier. What’s up, though? Do you have a stomachache? Are you constipated? Why are you weaker all of a sudden? And you sound weird today.”

Smoker came charging up, all like, “Come on, Tashigi! Don’t get your ass kicked by Strawhat!” And suddenly this glasses girl whose name Luffy could not remember was much stronger all of a sudden! Hmmm... what was her name?

Smoker yelled, “IT’S ME. I AM SMOKER!” And Luffy fell about laughing when the penny finally dropped that they’d been shambled by Law. Luffy said there was no point fighting when they were not at full strength. (Luffy’s a good guy, really. If he was a terrible person, he could’ve just kicked their asses and walked. But he gave them a literal fighting chance.)

Just as Franky got fed up clearing Fodder and was about to melt a huge hole in Caesar’s front door, something large and pink flew through the sky towards them.

Awww... I thought. Smiley has come home to see Caesar. Isn’t that cute? It landed and oozed over Caesar’s ship. Smoker just stood there and looked at it, like, wtf am I looking at here?

Oda used the Fodders who had clambered on board to reveal some of Smiley’s tricks. If you try to shoot it, Smiley releases toxic gas, and all the little Smileys that break off reconverge into one bigger Smiley. A dumb Fodder tried to push it into the river, got stuck in Smiley and ended up with all over poison burns. The biggest idiot decided that burning Smiley would work.

Just think about that for a second because Fodder guy didn’t.

He thought that setting fire to a substance filled with poison gas would be a good idea.

What happened?

Yes, the Inevitable

R.I.P., dumb Fodder Marines. We hardly knew ye. The large kaboom you made was beautiful, though.

There was a quiet moment of misplaced optimism when a fodder centaur said, “Hey, at least it’s gone, right?”

Nope. Turns out that Smiley was only a fragment of Original Smiley who is firing out tiny blobs of itself from the lake where Zoro, Sanji, Brook and Samurai are. 

Why was Smiley doing that?

We were about to find out, as a familiar cackle from above announced Caesar’s arrival.

He’d been standing on the roof all along, watching the carnage unfold. How could he resist recording the results of his creation’s rampage?

“Good boy, Smiley!” he cried. “I’m sorry I locked you up for three years!” (No you’re not, Caesar. Let’s not pretend.)

Smoker and Luffy both had an “Aha, it’s you!” moment. “You’re Caesar Clown, aren’t you?” “Are you the Master?”

Like all Mad Scientists, Caesar has an ego the size of Laboon.

“Yes, indeed! Everyone from the Strawhat Pirates and the Marine G-5, behold the greatest scientist in the world: Master Caesar Clown!” 

He told them to wait a few moments for Smiley, as he is weak to water and is flinging himself over piece by piece to cross the lake. Apparently, when all his pieces reconverge on this side of the island, everyone is up shit creek because Smiley is capable of recreating the chemical explosion that levelled Punk Hazard four years ago.

“You will all experience it! A world of death in which no one can survive. And you will learn just how powerful my weapon is. It can destroy an entire island! And the greatness of the world’s best scientist who created that weapon? It’s me, MASTER CAESAR---”

Yeah.... Caesar did not get to finish that sentence.

That is because two rubbery hands appeared, grabbed him round the waist and the next thing he knew, a smiling face was propelled towards him at speed.

WTF, Human Contact? IN MY LABORATORY??

Caesar’s reaction when Luffy attacked him with an aggressive kidnap hug was freaking glorious. He was all, “Ew ew ew, get it off me, what is this thing?” xD 

Franky was impressed at how easily Luffy could grab a Logia user with his newly honed haki. He was convinced Luffy would walk the fight, kick Caesar’s ass and it would be job done! Robin was not convinced it would be that easy. After the easy ride through Fishman Island, I figured Luffy would dispatch this highly-strung scientist with ease. Maybe a bit of peril. Then they’d pack up Caesar, figure out how to destroy Smiley and GTFO off the island with the kids and the stolen drug research in tow. [Note to self: always listen to Robin. She is always right.]

I loved this fight so much I watched it back again. Even though the tables turned a few times, I was still so sure I knew where it was going.

Caesar decided to get rid of the rubbery menace clinging to him by turning to gas. Luffy countered with an armoured headbutt, which was dodged. Caesar used his Gas Robe move, which envelops a victim in poison gas. They can last as long as they can hold their breath. 

Caesar totally hammed it up. He finds such glee watching people suffer. (I bet he was one of those kids at school who even the bullies wouldn’t touch.) “How long can you hold your breath, Strawhat? Just breathe deeply and drop dead! I have discovered the deadliest gas. Now, suffer and die! I have a front row seat.”

But now I know what you guys hinted at when I asked how Luffy would deal with the poison. Instead of dying from poison inhalation, Luffy snorted up every particle of gas and let it harmlessly steam out his ears. After his big fight with Magellan, poisons no longer work against Luffy. Nice one! Thanks, Magellan, you absolute diamond.

Caesar’s ego seethed to the surface after being outwitted. “Magellan? That venomous fool from Impel Down? I’m not like that pathetic paramecia eater!” (Caesar is such a fruit snob. I bet he’s a wine snob too.)

But Luffy wasn’t listening. He’d already wound up a move and - SLAM! - smacked Caesar right in the chops.

Here’s Caesar Suffering More Human Contact

Ooooooooh, Caesar was mad. After he hit the ground like a sack of spuds, he struggled to his feet and the mask came off.

“Stay out of it, weaklings!” he snarled at his minions. (Who were like, “Did our beloved Master and Saviour just call us weaklings? Did we hear that right?”)

And I have to say Caesar does not mess about when he wants rid of someone. When Luffy leapt at him, the Absolute Madman said, “BRING IT!” and whipped out one of his best moves. That Gastanet explosion was awesome. He also did not give Luffy a second to recover. Those Smilies? Yeah, he ordered them to cling to Luffy, whereupon Caesar used them to cause an even bigger boom.

He Likes Big Booms and He Cannot Lie...

Ahhhhhh... this was the peril I missed from Fishman Island, I thought at the time. Caesar had surprised me by not being a total pushover. I mean, of course Luffy would still win, but Caesar was doing pretty damned well.

His minions surrounded him, cheering for him, “Master! Master!” feeding his enormous ego. Strawhat was never strong enough to fight Master in the first place! Caesar, convinced Luffy was down, indulged in a spot of Mad Scientist gloating. “I am the greatest scientist in the world: eater of the Gas Gas Fruit. You didn’t know who you were messing with!”

Then Luffy dusted himself off and said, “OH, THAT WAS CLOSE!” and jet-stamp kicked Caesar right square in the ass. I cheered! Sure this time? (Technically Luffy did fulfil half his goal. He literally kicked Caesar’s ass there, right?)

Caesar was slumped in a bundle of massive coat and jumpsuit (btw, I only just noticed this episode that Caesar is wearing a sartorially interesting jumpsuit. I wonder what possessed him to go shopping, pause by a rack and declare, “Yes. This is the one for me.”) Luffy grabbed him by the lapels and asked Franky if there was anything he could put Caesar in, as he was a Logia and he didn’t want him escaping.

Then Oda threw his curveball.

Remember that Knife-Wielding Tentacle No One Could Turn Off? Caesar Has That Same Energy

I really liked how Toei played this scene. As Luffy was looking around for a barrel, cheerful in his victory, the music suddenly cut out. Then Luffy’s eyes went wide. His hands flew to his throat. He began to choke. His grip on Caesar’s lapels loosened. Violin harmonics kicked in. All Luffy could see was a dark, swimming, nasty red and an image of Caesar, who I could tell was beyond fury because his voice was barely raised above a whisper.

“Ahhhhhhhh, you shouldn’t underestimate me.”

Then Luffy folded like an old glove.

My jaw dropped. Had Caesar just done that? How???

Franky and Robin rushed to help. Franky tried to fry Caesar with a radical beam, but Caesar just turned to gas and disappeared. The next thing, Robin was down. Franky followed. Bam, bam, bam, Caesar was taking them all out one by one!

Smoker realised this was going Very Badly Wrong, tried to order the remnants of his crew to GTFO. But Caesar wasn’t having it. He was obviously done playing.

Tashigi was next to fall. Smoker was the only one left. He whirled round, Caesar’s mocking laugh whispering into his ears. But it was no good. Whatever trick Caesar pulled was too strong. He passed out and Caesar was left standing there, holding Smoker by the arm, victorious among a pile of unconscious bodies.

He just freaking blitzed almost the entire arc cast! By himself!

What the hell? Have I been wrong about Caesar and he is in actual fact pretty strong? I suppose he is their first opponent in the New World. He can’t be a total scrub. Still, that was a proper pasting he gave the Strawhats *and* Smoker’s crew.

And that’s not all. Caesar has pulled a few more dirty tricks by the looks of things, as Law ain’t doing too well, either.

In Other News...

While Caesar was battling with Luffy on his front lawn, Law had sneaked round the back with Chopper. The plan was to distract Caesar and Monet, lead them into another room while Chopper stole a sample, or whatever.

It didn’t quite work out that way. Only Monet was indoors. When Law asked where Caesar was, Monet said, “He’s such a hideous person he’s probably gone out to watch the carnage.” (True.) Law must’ve thought, “Yeah, Caesar would do that,” and decided to put his plan into action.

He convinced Monet to follow him through to another room to give Chopper space, but halfway there, he collapsed in a corridor.

I was like, “Wait... why is Law clutching at his chest? What happened? Why don’t I understand a single thing that is going on? Why do I love this so much??”

Then a white-suited, pale-shoed guy walked up and told Law it had been years and that Law had grown up a lot.

PLOT TWIST: A NEW SHADY CHARACTER ENTERS.

Can’t even begin to speculate who it is, so I’ll just have to be patient and wait.

Chopper may be the Alliance’s Last Hope (Sorry, Obi-Wan. You can sit this one out.)

Unless Sanji finds the samurai’s torso in that damned lake and they finally regroup with Nami and Usopp to rescue Luffy and the others.

But my money’s on Chopper.

Why?

Because Chopper.

This aggressive kidnap hug is probably the most human contact Caesar’s ever had that didn’t involve scalpels.

[the-desolated-quill]

Luther 5x03 - Luther blog

(SPOILER WARNING: The following is an in-depth critical analysis. If you haven’t seen this episode yet, you may want to before reading this review)

Well that was a mess.

Neil Cross has been getting more and more ambitious with each series. The threats are bigger, the psychos are more psychotic, the weight on Luther’s shoulders is much heavier and there are more subplots than you can shake a a dismembered head on a stick at. But to this day the best series of Luther has always been the very first series. Why is that? Because Cross kept it simple for the most part. Each week there was a new serial killer with a new gimmick and Luther had to stop them. Fast forward to series 5 and, to be honest, there are so many different things happening at once that I’m actually struggling to keep up with everything. And by the looks of things, so is Cross.

So Benny was kidnapped in the previous episode. Tense stuff that. And it leads to a pretty cool sequence with Luther and Alice working together to rescue him. However it all feels extremely rushed. No sooner has Benny been kidnapped that Luther ends up saving him, which begs the question what was the point of that in the first place. George Cornelius then sends a hitman to kill Luther and Alice, which then begs the question why he didn’t just do that in the first place and it makes the kidnapping all the more pointless. And while all of that is going on, we’ve got all the psycho sex killer stuff going on with Jeremy drugging his wife Vivian so he can ‘freelance’ as it were. Which begs the question... actually I’ll come back to that in a minute. Let’s stick with the Cornelius plot for now.

See, Neil Cross is trying desperately to make this series the bestest, most tense, most gripping-ist drama ever, but rather than actually taking the time to develop the plots and characters he’s already got, he’s adding more characters and plots to pad things out. As a result, elements become underdeveloped and fall by the wayside. Alice losing control of Luther and growing more antagonistic was a great development in the previous episode, but here, apart from a few occasional squabbles and an admittedly tense scene where she tries to run Luther over with his car, it’s just business as usual. They’re working together just fine for the most part. Benny’s kidnapping could have been an opportunity to explore his friendship with Luther a bit more and how this may have affected it, but it’s never really addressed. Schenk and George clearly have a history, but aside from one brief confrontation, it’s never developed. Paul McGann even returns as Mark North, but there’s never a moment where he and Luther properly hash things out. Maybe catch up on old times, figure out what Mark has been doing all this time. He’s just solely there to provide Luther a safehouse like he did in series 2. It’s like a clown car speeding down the motorway with bits and pieces flying off as it goes. Rather than taking the time to stop the car and screw everything down properly, Neil Cross puts his foot on the accelerator, desperate to get to the finish line even if it means only having the steering wheel, the exhaust pipe and the furry dice at the end.

As for the psycho sex killer plot, that has just taken a turn for the stupid. Turns out Jeremy and Vivian have been committing murders for years all as a way for Jeremy to manage his ‘urges.’ All delightfully creepy, but then Jeremy drugs Vivian so he can kidnap a woman and bring her back to their house. Now why in God’s name has he done that?! All his other victims were killed and mutilated where they stood. What’s with the change in MO? Weirder still, he hasn’t abducted her to kill her. He wants to keep her in the hopes of having her develop Stockholm Syndrome. Now again, why the fuck is he doing this?! His crimes were sex driven. Not romance driven. This feels like a complete change in motivation. My best guess is that he’s sick of being controlled by his wife and desires someone that he can have control over for a change. But, again, this is never properly developed because of all the other crap that’s going on.

It’s frustrating because so far both Jeremy and Vivian have been presented as being extremely clever, covering their tracks really well. So in order for Luther to catch them, rather than have him outwit them through the use of his own ingenuity, Neil Cross contrives a reason for one of them to act uncharacteristically stupidly. It just feels incredibly lazy and doesn’t hold a candle to what we’ve seen in previous episodes. I’m sorry, but a woman tied to a bed and freaking out over a spider isn’t as viscerally terrifying as seeing a man in a creepy mask prowling across the floor of a bus. It just isn’t.

The one saving grace of all this is Vivian. Throughout the course of these episodes, Luther has viewed her as the reluctant ally, desperately covering up after her husband out of love and at the end when she’s arrested, Luther tries to appeal to her better nature only for her to shut him down, revealing how she’s utterly complicit in the killings. She’s not just covering them up. They were her idea. Hermione Norris is probably the standout star of this series, giving an immensely chilling performance. And of course, now that she’s out of the picture, her psychotic husband is on the loose somewhere in London with no one to reel him back in should he go too far. Luther could very well have made the situation worse.

If the series focused entirely on one of these plots, it could be a lot stronger. Right now it’s too cluttered and confused. Even Benny’s death at the end doesn’t have the impact it should have because of everything else that’s been happening and it just feels like Cross needed a cliffhanger to get everyone hyped for the finale, so he’d better kill off a character I guess. And I’m not exactly scared about Mark and Alice getting kidnapped because the rate this series is going, all of this will be sorted out in the first five minutes.

God, I’m exhausted. I need a lie down.

[willsimpforazula]

Fate/Cold War : Chapter 2

Because surprise surprise, I'm not just a full time ATLA person. Anyways, enjoy [or not, I'm not your mom/dad/parental figure/legal guardian]

--------

Laying in the back seat of the car, Artoria briefly closed her eyes and sighed. This wasn't how it was supposed to go down. If things went according to plan, they would have been safely ensconced in the Berliner Dom, out of reach of any interfering magi or Stasi. Ideally, of course.

Unfortunately, the addition of a listening bug threw everything into the nearby river. Which is how she ended up laying in the back seat of his car, pulling out the crossguard and hilt of her Black Key from a nondescript, wrinkled, brown paper bag.

"There's a car that has been tailing us for the past five minutes, correct? Just hum once for yes, twice for no." her almost bored voice asked.

"Mhm." Shirou hummed as the car drew up next to him. Moving her boot against the manual window crank, she slowly wound the window down, the squeakiness evident. Peeking a glance at his passenger, twin orbs of jade glared back at him as if to say Stop looking, you're going to draw attention to us and secondly, you should at least oil it every once in a while. Shaking his head and sighing, he turned his attention to the road ahead. While it was not out of the ordinary to be out at this time of night, not many had cars and thus, ran the risk of attracting the attention of the Stasi or worse, their KGB masters.

Hearing the sound of another car pull up beside them, Artoria whispered "She's pulled up beside us, hasn't she?"

"Mhm."

"She's got only one hand on the steering wheel, am I correct?"

"Mhm."

"There's only one of them, correct?"

"Mhm."

Muttering something to herself, she readied her Black Key. It was an awkward throwing angle to be sure, but Artoria had been in much more stickier situations.

"When you hear something that sounds like glass breaking, drive."

With a deep breath, her arm tensed, before she let fly on the exhale and pierced the window with her Black Key, which sliced the glass and shore one of the occupant's pigtails before sailing out the other side and into an alleyway. Taking it as his cue to move, Shirou floored the gas and sped off.

"Did you get her?"

"Let's hope she doesn't drive as quickly as she moves."

"Are you fucking kidding me?"

"Shut up and drive, you carrot."

"Fuck you."

Manifesting another Black Key, she pointed it at him and replied "Keep talking and see if I don't cut your tongue off. Now take a right."

"Then an immediate left."

"Do you know where we're going?!"

"Yes, now-oomph!" Artoria whined as their stalker smashed her against theirs, causing her to be jostled around in the backseat. Fighting to keep level, both of them tried to ram the other off the road. Almost instinctively, the redhead and the pigtailed lady sized up the situation and yanked the handbrakes, pulling a handbrake turn that left her car careening into a pile of rubble.

Shaking her head, the pigtailed pursuer cursed and immediately reversed out, quickly resuming the high speed chase through the narrow streets of East Berlin. Thinking on his feet, Shirou quickly pulled into another handbrake turn, sliding his car neatly between two other vehicles and killing the lights when he heard a familiar sputter. Coincidently, his face ended up right next to Artoria when he reclined, who was none too pleased about getting this close to the redhead.

"Is he gone yet?"

"I don't think so. If I think she is who I think she is, I highly doubt she'll fall for such a trick."

"So what do we do?" Shirou hissed.

"Shut up and let me think!" she hissed back.

Glancing at the rear view mirror, they saw the car briefly stop and the brake lights flash red. With time running out, Artoria decided to take a gamble and told Shirou to reverse down the sidewalk and drive around the block.

"What are you trying to do?"

"Just trust me on this one. Meet me here afterwards." Though not her most favourite tool, she was glad she had Carnwennan with her on this specific mission. Using Shirou as bait, she stepped out of the car and strapped the small dagger to her belt before pulling out three Black Keys.

This time, she would make damn sure their pursuer would not be chasing them for a long while. Cloaked in the shadows, she waited until her car drove past the parking spot, before stepping out from behind one of the parked cars and hurling the Black Keys at where she assumed her head and shoulders were. Not something that was particularly pleasant, but extreme times called for extreme measures. As it stood, she knew she was bound to get an earful from her handler about the commotion tonight.

Seeing the way the car careen into the sidewalk, Artoria was about to head over and pick up the Keys when something in her gut told her that it was probably a good idea to whip out one more Black Key.

Just in case.

Laying in the car, Rin was angry.

Very, very angry.

Not because of the fact that her opponent almost killed her twice in the span of 10 minutes, but she ruined her outfit for one and secondly, shorn off half of her pigtail. Thirdly, she was forced to use whip out her offensive gems, something that she absolutely loathed as though she was well off, gems didn't exactly grow on trees, high quality cut pieces even more so.

Still, now was not the time to sulk but strategize and think of a way to outwit her opponent. Unwittingly, her mind flashed back to her briefing by Waver Velvet, also known as El-Melloi II about her counterpart.

----

"So, who's this lucky girl?"

"Her name is Artoria. Artoria Pendragon. A unique one, she is."

"How so?"

"Well, she's what one might call a demi-Servant."

"Demi-Servant?"

"Details are hazy but what we do know is that Artoria Pendragon is hosting the heroic spirit of King Arthur."

"Wouldn't her identity and soul be eventually consumed by the heroic spirit?"

"Typically yes, but I believe that due to her ancestry, she is the exception rather than the rule."

"So how did she end up working for the Agency?"

"You can thank some of our less than ethical compatriots in the Spiritual Evocation department. After many attempts at kidnapping her to study, someone from the Agency caught wind and offered her protection."

"The Church does not simply hand such offers out without a steep payment."

"Indeed. The price of their protection would be service as an Executor for an unspecified length of time, in addition to handling some of their more secular covert activities. No doubt it was an offer she couldn't refuse, not after they came perilously close to ending up in one of the labs here in the Clock Tower against her will."

"What's stopping her from killing me on site then, given her past history with mages?"

"Not if you kill her first."

Easier said than done, Waver, Rin thought to herself just as she burst out of the wreck the same time Shirou pulled up to meet back with Artoria.

Timing her shot, she hurled a small gem at them,which slid under their tyre and she uttered the words "Bersten!"

Immediately, the rear left tyre burst open, sending sparks careening every which way. Having little choice, she swallowed one of the gems and reinforced her legs, before taking after the car.

From the rear view mirror, Shirou gulped and yelled at Artoria "I thought you killed her?!"

"I thought so too!"

A sudden bump turned their attention back towards the rear just as they were about to enter a screaming match.

"You can't be serious." Artoria mumbled in disbelief as Rin reinforced her arms and latched onto the car, which was struggling to get up to speed.

"Now you've got your chance, do whatever it is you-you magicians do!"

"First off, I'm not a magician and secondly, it just doesn't seem right." Artoria replied, a little hint of admiration in her voice at the tenacity of their pursuer to continue the chase. Finally, the almost comical scene ended with a crunch of metal shearing, earning Artoria another set of dirty looks.

"Do you know how much time it took to get all the pieces to build this car!"

"I'm sorry!"

"You better be. Maybe you could make some gold appear out of thin air for me or something for compensation, how bout that?"

"Whatever, carrot man." she replied with an eyeroll.

"Stop calling me that!"

"Now take a left and then an immediate right." she ordered as sirens were now wailing in the distance.

"This is a dead end."

"No it's not, trust me."

"Are you for real?!"

"Just trust me."

"Considering you failed to kill her twice, somehow I doubt that."

"I'm hurt." she sarcastically replied, while putting on her best kicked kitten impression. Unable to withstand the pressure of those shimmering emerald orbs and quivering lips, not to mention her ahoge twitching, Shirou smacked his fist on the wheel and grumbled. Predictably, the car got stuck in between two narrow buildings, mere feet away from the Berlin Wall.

"Now all we have to do is just vault over two 20 foot walls, a couple of machine gun towers, a pack of angry dogs and a minefield. Are you sure?"

Not even bothering to entertain his outbursts, she leant over him and rolled down the window, the scent of fresh flowers and vanilla filling Shirou's personal space, making him blush at their close proximity. With the window wound down, she merely pointed at the window and said "Take a left."