#maybe not today like i told linnea

[seonghwacore]

FLY ENDLESSLY LIKE PETER PAN

[bigfrozenfan-fanfics]

Chapter 09 - Sisters

Links: Chapter overview, Character list, Map, Glossar Rating: M over all Publishing cycle: each Friday on (link)

Remarks: all my chapters contain carefully selected music tracks. It’s your own decision if you want to use them or not while reading. The purpose is to musically support the respective mood of the plot. If you can please use a browser for reading (not the Tumblr app) due to the text formatting and music.

As Halvard slowly walked back to camp with the other men, still thinking about Yelana's news, he wanted to see what was going on in the camp at first and looked for his family. Linnea and Honeymaren were supposed to look after the toddlers of the camp during the Norting. But he only saw his wife, who was clearly having trouble with the little ones. Where was just his daughter? He was starting to get angry and looked in their kota first.

~~~

“Get up, Honeymaren, come on! You're still sleeping. You had only one important task this morning,” someone called out in an angry tone and shook her rudely by the shoulder.

“Hmm ...?” Honeymaren slowly opened her eyes and blinked. She saw the respectful figure of her father standing above her, now with his hands put on his hips, and his face indicating nothing good.

“Where were you last night? What's the matter with you?”

She got up slowly and struggled with her tiredness. “Nothing, I was just ... on the beach at sunset and fell asleep. Didn't wake up until after it was nightfall. Sorry.” She yawned and tried to rub the sleep out of her eyes. “It won't happen again, papa, I promise.”

Her father shook his head, “Come on, daughter, your mother is wondering where you are. She's all alone with the naughty boys from the camp and you were supposed to help her mind the little ones today.”

“Why didn't you wake me up?” she asked, looking at him from drowsy eyelids.

“That's what we did this morning when we went out. However, you didn't hear us obviously. Otherwise you always get up right after us ...,” he said, looking at her without understanding, “What's wrong with you recently? Come on, get dressed and then get out.”

She looked after him as he walked out first. Then she put on her clothes and followed him.

She walked wearily between the kotas and already heard the laughter of several small children from a distance even before she saw her mother and the cheeky gang. She stopped and watched for a moment. Linnea looked a bit overwhelmed as she tried to keep everyone under control. Honeymaren finally walked on and clapped her hands loudly. The children's heads spun around and two of them ran towards her laughing and calling her name. She didn't feel like it; she thought, but seeing her mother like that touched her conscience. It was time for an apology.

~~~

Ryder was on his way back to camp and had a brooding expression on his face. It had been his first time at this kind of meetings and he wondered why everything has to be kept from the Arendellians. They were their friends now, and he liked Kristoff above all, because he was like him and let Sven talk the same way he did with his reindeer. But he was not allowed to tell them anything about the Great Ting and what was exposed in it. This made him feel sadness and at the same time frustrated and guilty. How could he tell Kristoff that they were all in great danger?

Ryder was so lost in thought that he was startled when someone suddenly spoke to him. He looked up in surprise and realized that instead of going to the camp and to Kristoff, he was now standing in front of his reindeer herd. One of the two young boys who had been looking after them in the meantime said, “Hey Ryder. Why are you looking so downheartedly at? Are you sick or something?”

Ryder put his usual smile back on, “No, no. There's nothing wrong with me. I was just thinking. You gonna be okay with the herd?”

The two nodded and the other said, “Sure, everything's fine. Why?”

“I just wanted to say good morning to Kristoff but was all in thoughts and made a wrong turn.”

They looked at each other and then at him again and laughed. “Made a wrong turn?”

Oh, man, that was embarrassing now; Ryder thought to himself and rolled his eyes. “Well, it happens, right? It's probably never happened to you guys before.”

“Nope,” they said, as if from one mouth.

Ryder took turns looking from one to the other and he couldn't help but notice this little grin on their faces. Well, this could become cheerful, he thought and said, “All right. You take care of everything and I'll be off again.” He turned around at the last word and walked back into the woods with big steps. They already had an answer on their lips, but could only look after him irritated. Ryder grinned and whispered, “No, boys, not with me. Not today.”

~~~

Elsa had been walking all morning across the camp and had looked around. Many were not on the road, there were mainly women at work, and younger Northuldra to be seen, no men. Elsa wondered about this for a moment, but was distracted, because she was constantly greeted friendly and even the children knew her name. Elsa was amazed and greeted everyone back with a smile. Why does everyone here know me, if I am not from here; she asked herself. What had Myrtha told her? She was a good friend of the Northuldra. But even the little children here addressed her with 'Hello, Elsa'. There was something the healer kept from her.

She mused, remembering that Myrtha had hesitated at first. Then she recalled the letters from Queen Anna that she had read, very personal letters to her, with many things she didn't understand. Not yet anyway; she thought. She absolutely had to find her sister and talk to her, she was certainly still here somewhere in the camp.

Elsa looked around and then went back to her kota on another way. Finally she saw people with clothes looking different, sitting in front of a cold fireplace, her sister with her back to her. She could recognize her by her strawberry-blonde hair, now when she remembered her evening visit. The man opposite her was dressed similar to the Northuldra, but looked somewhat different. And then there was this little guy who had frightened her so much that night. Now in the daylight he did not look so scary to her anymore at all. He even seemed to be quite funny and somehow she felt such a strange feeling of closeness, but could not tell what it was exactly.

She walked towards the small group that was talking lively and stopped behind Anna. The man's jaw dropped when he noticed her and stared at her. This little white guy also seemed very surprised.

“Kristoff? What ...,” Anna asked and turned around. The next moment she jumped up and hugged her sister not a second later. “Elsa!”

Elsa felt taken by surprise, but withstood the reflex to retreat. Maybe that was her usual greeting; she thought and put her arms gently around Anna. She felt herself being pulled into a firm and intimate embrace, and Anna didn't let go so quickly.

After what felt like a minute, Elsa finally cleared her throat and immediately got more air, when Anna held her at half an arm's length and looked deep into her eyes. Their gazes fixated each other and in some way it seemed that they wanted to explore their bare souls. With anyone else this moment would have been unpleasant for Elsa, but here and now something special came into being between the two of them, something that somehow seemed familiar to her. She could feel it clearly and see it in Anna's deep blue eyes.

None of them spoke a word. Anna looked a lot like her, she could see that now. Since she had seen her own reflection in a brook yesterday, she now also knew her own countenance. The main difference was of course the color of her hair and she was also a bit smaller than her. But otherwise she almost saw herself standing before her. They just stood there and explored each other with glances. Until finally somebody said, “Guys ... um ... we're still here too?”

They separated and Anna sat down again, but pulled Elsa down, next to her. She didn't mind and so now she sat beside her sister on a log in the camp and felt all eyes on her.

“Well, that was a little weird for me now and you all look like you have a lot of questions for me. But believe me, it's the other way around, because I still can't remember anything.”

A tense silence arose and finally Anna took the floor and said, “We'll help you, Elsa. Just ask us anything you want to know.”

Elsa looked at her, “I know that you are Anna, my sister, and the Queen of Arendelle, and that I come from there. But they are not my memories, I was only told this. That’s all I know for certain, I do not remember anything else. Even after I read all your letters, nothing in them felt familiar.”

Anna nodded understandingly and slightly touched Elsa's arm. “Perhaps I'd better introduce the others to you first. This here is Kristoff, my fiancé,” she explained, pointing at him with her other hand.

Kristoff didn't seem to know how to handle this situation and greeted only softly, “Hello, Elsa.”

“And this is Olaf, he's ...,” Anna faltered. How only could she explain this, she wondered. “He is ... well, he's a snowman, and ...,” she didn't know what to say without reveal Elsa the whole truth.

But Olaf, however, was unaware of such concerns and, as straightforward as he was, came out with the facts. “You magically created me, Elsa. Without you, I would not exist.” Anna's head fell on her chest, her hands in front of her face. Now it was out. Oh, Olaf; she thought.

“I did what?” Elsa asked stunned and stared at him in disbelief. Then she looked at Anna and then at Kristoff and put on a wry grin. “Sure. Honestly, guys, I may have lost my memory, but you can't be serious. Magically created! Plus a ... snowman, whatever that is. Then what am I if I could do such things?”

“You've had this ability since you were born and you're the only one who can do things like that,” Anna finally admitted. “This blessing was a gift.”

Elsa's mouth still remained open and for a few moments she could not say anything in reply. Then she recovered from the shock and said, shaking her head, “I can't believe it. Please pinch me so I can wake up again.” Anna took it literally and pinched her upper arm hard.

“Ow!” Elsa rubbed the spot and searched in their faces in front of her, but everyone looked at her only curiously. “You all really mean it.” Everyone nodded silently. “A gift ... why and from whom? How can you give something like this as a gift at all? Besides, I feel perfectly normal and have no idea how to do that.”

“Well, Elsa, that's one of the many reasons why I'm going to bring you back to Arendelle,” Anna said, smiling affectionately and stroking her cheek tenderly. “Home.”

~~~

---

I hope you have enjoyed this chapter! Please leave a comment if you liked the story, I would be pleased to read your opinions, even criticisms. If you want to be tagged as soon I publish the next chapter please let me know.

Tagging: @karma26 @whether-near-to-me-or-far @annaofthenorthernlights @igotelsapregnanthelp

[oleksiak-pettersson]

Sk8er Boi - Elias Pettersson

This is from my old blog (oh-holy-alien). I'm just here to write, I want no drama.

He was a boy

She was a girl

Can I make it any more obvious?

Ebba only had eyes for one person while she walked through the crowded halls of the high school she attended. Her posh designer handbag felt lighter today, it was the last day of school and she had returned all her books to the library. She was headed to meet her friends to clear out her locker when he caught her attention.

He was a skinny, tall blond boy. Elias Pettersson was his name, a hockey player, and he was absolutely head over heels for Ebba. Which would’ve made Ebba happy but her friends didn’t approve.

A clearing of someone’s throat had Ebba returning to reality, coming face to face with her best friend Linnea.

“You really should stop staring,” Linnea rolls her eyes as she prepares the same spiel she gives Ebba every time, “we’re graduated now and it’s not like you’ll ever see him again.”

“Actually,” Ebba links her arm with her friend’s, “We’re almost graduated.”

The friends have arrived at Ebba’s locker where the rest of their group awaits.

“Doesn’t matter, he’s still hockey boy. He’ll just cheat on you the moment he gets the chance.” Maja interjects, she had caught the last bit of the conversation and immediately knew what the two best friends were talking about.

What more can I say?

He wanted her

She'd never tell

Secretly she wanted him as well

But all of her friends

Stuck up their nose

Ebba looks back wistfully at the boy. He’s laughing with his friends as they empty their own lockers. Ebba knows in her heart that Elias isn’t like the rest of the hockey boys. She can’t bring herself to believe that he, the sweet-hearted cutie he is, could be a cheater. This is the boy that smiled shyly every time he saw Ebba at the rink watching him. But Ebba values the opinions of her friends way more than some meaningless high school crush.

Or at least her girlfriends had told her it was a meaningless high school crush, yet Ebba feels different when she looks at him. Her heart flutters and feels like it may explode if she doesn’t get closer. She’s never vocalized this to her friends, out of fear they’ll make fun of her but something about Elias feels real.

“He’s also a year younger than us,” Alva points out. “It would be weird for you to have a boyfriend still in high school after you’ve graduated.”

Ebba wants to roll her eyes at how ridiculous Alva sounds. Her friends are always hung up on the little things like whether or not someone has certain traits. They have some very specific requirements for potential boyfriends and require that everyone in their friend group follow along. And according to them, he wasn’t good enough for her.

Her friends finish their lecture about Ebba’s love life and Ebba takes the final picture out of the locker, shoving it into her bag.

“Okay, let’s go,” She says, turning around. “I’m done.”

The friend group goes to leave, but a certain blonde boy calls out Ebba’s name. She stops and turns to see him, her friends walk ahead. They whisper and giggle as they hurry away.

“Hey Ebba,” Elias smiles shyly.

The girl gives him a small smile, her heart is beating a million miles an hour inside. It’s hidden by her somewhat cool facade.

“I was wondering maybe if you wanted to go out with me before you leave for university.” The boy is super nervous, he looks bashful and can’t meet her eyes as he asks.

Ebba’s heart races and she wants to scream yes, but all she can hear is the many discourses her friends had had about how Elias wasn’t good enough for her. He was a hockey boy with little to no future and she wanted to be young and free. She wanted a rich doctor or lawyer husband and travel the world whenever she wished. Her head was filled with these little fantasies, none of which involved him anymore.

She said, "see you later, boy"

He wasn't good enough for her

She had a pretty face

But her head was up in space

She needed to come back down to earth

“Sorry Elias but you’re not really my type,” Ebba lies, face smooth and hiding her emotions effortlessly. “See you around though.”

And with that, she’s gone. Elias is quick to wipe his face off the disappointment he felt in his whole body.

Five years from now

She sits at home

Feeding the baby, she's all alone

Ebba can’t help the feeling of utter dread that fills her body when the baby starts to cry again. It was the fourth time today that the three-month-old child screamed her little lungs out. Ebba thought marrying a rich man would make her life exuberant and exciting, but it ended up being terribly boring.

She had become a housewife. Small, quiet, and extremely dutiful, almost as if she had traveled back in time to the 1950s. She stayed at home and took care of their baby, it had been years since she felt young and free. Ebba didn’t even feel at home in their Vancouver apartment.

It was a wonder that her husband had even convinced her to move to Vancouver. In her teen years, Ebba swore she’d never live farther than Stockholm, and yet here she was on the other side of the world. Isolated from her friends, family, and familiar homeland.

She’s holding her daughter and the bottle is against the little babe’s lips. The tiny girl latches to the plastic fake of a nipple and begins to suckle.

Ebba is terribly bored by this sight. She knows she should feel a motherly love when overlooking her baby girl but she felt empty. She reaches for the remote.

The television flicks to life with the simple action of her pressing the button. She sighs loudly as it displays some sports channel that her husband had been no doubt watching the night before. A hockey game is being played out before her.

She can vaguely recall that Vancouver had an NHL team. She wouldn’t have been able to tell you which team was theirs, the orange and white or the blue and green if you asked. So, in her complete disregard for sports, she went to change the channel when the commentators said something that caught her attention.

She turns on TV

Guess who she sees

Skater boy [skating up ESPN]

“What a game Elias Pettersson is having tonight!” The man announces.

“Yes Jim, he’s having a hell of a game. Mid-third period and the 22-year-old already has three goals and two assists.” The other announcer comments back to the first man.

Ebba’s jaw drops. She had not kept track of Elias after she graduated, persuaded by her friends that she was better off without the hockey player.

She calls up her friends

They already know

And they've all got tickets to see his [game]

She tags along

Stands in the crowd

Looks up at the man that she turned down

She briefly remembers Elias’ older brother dating a friend of hers. In a rush, she scrambles to put the baby in her crib and grab her phone. She scrolls through her Instagram feed to find what she’s looking for.

Bingo! She thinks as she clicks on Fanny’s profile. Sure enough, Fanny’s story shows that she’s in Vancouver. It’s a video fo a breakfast place, Elias making a face near his waffles as the camera pans. Ebba shuts her phone off quickly, not realizing she missed a key thing. Had she watched the rest, she would’ve seen the adoring girl sat beside Elias who stared at him lovingly, as if he was the only star in the sky.

With all she needs, she dials a familiar number.

“Hello, Fanny?” She asks.

Ebba feels bizarre, standing in Rogers Arena, watching live hockey. It had been years since she been in an ice rink. But here she was, bundled up next to Fanny watching as Elias and his team dominated the other team. She’d been told the white and blue team were from St Louis but she can’t seem to remember their nickname.

It had been easy to convince Fanny to get her a ticket. Fanny was thrilled at the idea of surprising Elias with what she thought was an old friend of his. Elias had never told Fanny or Emil what had happened that last day of school before Ebba graduated.

The game ended in a win and Ebba followed Fanny through some hallways to outside the dressing room. There were many other women outside, some with small children and others talking amongst themselves.

Fanny leads Ebba to join a pretty girl standing by herself. This girl is wearing a Canucks jersey and black leggings, she stands against the wall on her phone.

She looks up and smiles when Fanny approaches.

“Hi Fanny,” She rushes to embrace the swede, “It was weird not sitting with you.”

Fanny laughs, “It was bizarre.” Fanny then catches Ebba shifting awkwardly standing there. “Oh, right, Y/N, this is Ebba. A friend from back home. Ebba this is Y/N, she’s-”

Fanny is cut off by a tall blonde male joining their group. Elias wraps his arms around Y/N, pulling her close and pressing a kiss to her lips.

“Y/N is Elias’ fiancee.” Fanny finishes, watching them in awe.

The couple pull away from each other but remain in cuddled together.

“Good game Elias!” Fanny gushes, “Emil caught highlights as he headed to practice but he says congrats!”

Elias smiles before turning to the third woman, he pauses. “Hello Ebba, how are you?”

Ebba feels like her heart is in her throat. He’s as gorgeous as he was in high school. Elias has bulked up a bit more though and he seems taller.

“Oh wait, is this the Ebba?” Y/N asks, turning to look up at Elias.

He nods and Fanny looks confused. Ebba wishes a hole would open up in the ground and eat her whole. She’s so embarrassed. Why is she here? Why did she expect the crush of her teenage years to still be available five years later?

I'm with the skater boy

I said, "see you later, boy"

I'll be [waiting] after the [game]

Elias looked sharp in his game-day suit. You couldn’t help but drool a little.

“I’ll see you later right?” He confirms, he knows the answer but this exchange has become almost routine before home games.

“I’ll see you later, babe.” You smile, sat on the bed watching him fix his tie. “I’ll be downstairs after the game. Wearing your jersey and cheering loud in the crowd. There’s nowhere I’d rather be baby.”

It may sound cheesy to the outside person but to you and him it was your world. The promises made between you were for you only. A way to secure the emotional bond that had been established early in your relationship. You were it for him and he was it for you.

He’d told you every person who’d ever let him get away and you pitied those girls, they’d let the most amazing soul getaway. Your Elias was like no other man you’d met and you wouldn’t change it for the world.

With a kiss, he leaves you for the rink.

It’s a couple of hours later when you finally meet the Ebba that broke Elias into a million pieces. You had no idea she’d be there. But pressed into your fiancé’s side, as his fingers rub circles into your hip, you have no doubt of his non-existent feelings towards the gorgeous girl.

Elias happily grabs your hand and leads you to the car hastily, smirking back at Brock as he wolf whistles your retreating figures.

Yeah, everything is just the way it should be.

He's just a boy

And I'm just a girl

Can I make it any more obvious?

We are in love

Haven't you heard

How we rock each others worlds

[ghstandpucks]

Cutting Edge ~ Nathan MacKinnon Ch. 3

A/N: Hey everyone, thanks for all the love on the last chapter! I loved seeing that you enjoyed it! Also thank you to @pumpkinpatchmakar​ and @pizzasloot​ for your kind words after my update post <3 

I do know where the story is going, and I’m excited to write it all out! Just bare with me, between school and my heart being broken, it might take longer between chapters but I will get to them!

Tags are open, just let me know! Enjoy!

Prologue Ch.1 Ch.2 

           Nate was halfway to his apartment when his phone rang; an incoming call from his captain. “What’s up?” he asked as he answered.

           “Where have you been? I’ve been trying to get ahold of you for the past hour,” Gabe asked. Nate now realized that he had seen all those calls and texts, but after getting your number he forgot about them. He cleared his throat.

           “Sorry Landy. I was at the rink with Y/N,” he stated, unsure of what the captain’s response would be. When Gabe remained quiet, Nate became a bit nervous. “You there?”

           “Y/N? As in Coach Y/L/N, Y/N?” he asked, and Nate could hear Gabe’s amusement over the phone.

           “Yes,” he answered shortly. Gabe laughed.

           “What happened? Practice ended 3 hours ago, what have you guys been doing…or do I even want to ask?” Gabe said suspiciously.

           “It was nothing like that. I heard someone still on the ice when I was about to leave and went to see who it was. It turned out to be Y/N and she was just skating around and asked me to skate with her,” Nate explained as he pulled into his apartment complex.

           “Oh, so she’s just Y/N now? Seems like you two got close,” Gabe chuckled. Nate groaned as he parked. Maybe telling Landy wasn’t the smartest thing. “Please tell me you at least asked for her number or something before you left.”

           “I did actually. I asked her as we were leaving,” Nate said, quieter than he needed to.

           “Wow, okay. She’s definitely got you interested, doesn’t she?” Gabe sounded amused on the other end. Nate mumbled out a yes, knowing he wasn’t going to be living this down anytime soon. He was happy with the little progress he made with you, but now he was sure Landy would look for any reason to bring you around, not that Nate wouldn’t enjoy seeing more of you anyways though. “Well, I guess that brings me to why I was calling in the first place. Mel and I are taking Linnea on a hike on Sunday and we’re inviting some of the guys to go since everyone is pretty much back in town. I was inviting you, and I think you should see if Y/N wants to come. I don’t think she really knows anyone here yet, and Mel wants to meet her. After I tell her about your afternoon she’s going to be dying to meet her,” Gabe chuckled. Nate perked up hearing that he had a legitimate excuse to text you right away, instead of trying to play it cool.

           “Yeah, I can ask her,” he said, a little too eagerly.

           “Great! And make sure you pick her up. She doesn’t need to drive when she doesn’t know where anything really is,” Gabe suggested, knowing his friend lacked skills in the romance department. Nate rolled his eyes, but he was grinning at the thought of seeing you away from the rink.

           “I know Landy. I’ll text her and see. I’ll let you know,” he said as he entered his apartment and plopped down onto his couch, saying goodbye as his captain became distracted by his daughter.

           On the other side of the city, you had fallen onto your own couch and immediately got on facetime. “Superstar! How are you doing sweetie?” Jeremy asked.

           “I think I just gave Nathan MacKinnon my number,” you said in one breath, throwing a pillow over your head. Jeremy laughed.

           “You think?” he asked. You threw the pillow off and looked at him.

           “I gave him my number. I stayed after to skate and he was still there and I have no idea where I got the courage but I asked him to skate with me and I taught him some skating, he taught me some hockey, and it was just really fun and then he asked me for my number…” you rambled off.

           “Hey, deep breath Y/N. That sounds like you both had a nice time. And is it really so bad to give an attractive hockey player your number?” Jeremy tried to be sympathetic because he could see the wheels spinning in your head. He had known you for too long to not know where this was going.

           “He’s on the Avs though Jer. I’m technically his coach. How is that ever going to work?” you asked.

           “I don’t know Y/N, I wish I could tell you. But it seems like you are starting to like this guy, and if he likes you too then I’m sure you can figure it out. Don’t overthink it. I’ve seen you do that a few times, always putting your career first. And although that worked then, you can’t keep running from everything outside of the rink,” Jeremy tried to reason with you.

           “I know,” you said, knowing he was right.

           “And know that whatever does or does not happen, I will be here as your biggest supporter,” he said. You smiled at him.

           “Thanks Jer. Sorry, I don’t know why I freaked out,”

           “Because you are starting to like him,” Jeremy smirked. Your phone chimed and you briefly caught the text from a number you didn’t know at the top. Tapping on it, you saw that it was from Nate. Before you could read anything else, Jeremy laughed. “And I’m guessing that is him?” You nodded.

           “I guess some of the team are going on a hike Sunday and he wants to know if I want to go,” you stated, your smile growing.

           “I want to hear all about this hike when you get home,” Jeremy said. “Hang up with me and text your Doug Dorsey back.”

           “This is not the premise of Cutting Edge,” you laughed at his mention of one of the main characters. Jeremy shrugged.

           “He’s a hockey player. You’re a figure skater. Close enough,” he said, before saying goodbye as he had to run to a team meeting. You hung up and opened up Nate’s text.  It read: Hey Y/N, it’s Nate. Some of the guys are going on a hike on Sunday and I was wondering if you would like to join us? Mel, Gabe’s wife, is going and he said she’s been wanting to meet you. If you have plans no worries. Just thought I would ask. You smiled, seeing as you had no plans for the weekend beside finishing unpacking and would rather spend some time getting to know the team better…and Nate.

Y/N: Hi! That sounds like fun. I would love to go as long I wasn’t intruding on a team thing. You answered. You were a little worried that your presence would be unwelcomed, being a coach. Your phone pinged with another message.

Nate: No you wouldn’t be. You were about to reply when a text bubble popped up, and the following appeared. I would like for you to be there. You were happy this wasn’t in person as your face became flushed.

Y/N: When and where? 😊 Nate texted you to be ready at 9am on Sunday, and told you where you would be going. He said he would pick you up, and you gave him your address. And as the day continued, you continued to talk with him. Saturday came, and neither of you had technically said goodbye as you fell asleep texting him the night before, so Nate didn’t feel like it was too much, too soon to continue your conversation the next morning. You were giddy when Sunday morning came and you were getting ready. You felt that you had gotten to know him a little more and were excited to spend some more time with him. Right on time at 9 in the morning, there was a knock on your door. You looked in the mirror, fixing your hair quickly before answering it. Nate stood there in basketball shorts and a t-shirt, holding two cups of Starbucks. “Good morning,” he smiled as he handed one to you.

           “Morning!” you replied as you took a sip, humming contently as you tasted the pumpkin spice latte. “Is this why you asked what I liked from Starbucks?” Nate shrugged as you turned away to grab your jacket off the back of your couch.

           “I’m just hoping you’ll forget about making me do those extra laps tomorrow,” he teased as he looked around your apartment. It was small, but not too small, with a few boxes still sitting in the corner. “Are you still not unpacked?” You let out a sigh.

           “I have too much crap. I need another bookshelf,” you shook your head and took another sip, exiting your apartment. “But flattery will get you everywhere in my book. I may overlook your extra laps.” Nate chuckled as you locked the door behind you and followed him to visitor parking. You blushed slightly as he held the passenger door to his car open for you. The both of you sat in comfortable silence for a moment as he started to drive, enjoying your coffee. “So, who’s all going today?” You finally asked.

           “Landy and Mel, Tyson, Burky, and Cale I believe. Landy invited pretty much everyone since we’re all back in town, but I think everyone else was busy,” Nate explained. You nodded.

           “Well I’m excited. Thanks for inviting me to tag along,” you smiled over at him.

           “Of course,” Nate smiled over at you quickly. You kept casual conversation as you made it to the outskirts of Denver and what looked like would be a pretty hike to an overlook. Nate parked and off to the side you saw Gabe with a beautiful woman and a toddler in one of those carrier packs standing under a tree. As you made your way over, Nate leaned down and whispered. “Don’t let Gabe start showing you pictures of Linnea; you’ll be sitting there for like 3 hours.” You giggled, catching the attention of Gabe. The woman who you assumed was his wife, turned also and smiled widely.

           “You must be Coach Y/L/N. I’m Mel, it’s nice to meet you!” She said, pulling you into a side hug as to not squish her daughter.

           “Y/N. It’s nice to meet you too!” You replied, barely missing the not so subtle wink Gabe sent Nate.

           “Hey Coach, glad you could join us” Gabe said, “This is our daughter Linnea,” he introduced the little blonde haired, blue eyed girl. You smiled at her tired little face.

           “She’s absolutely adorable!” You squealed looking at the little girl. You weren’t necessarily a kid person yet, still being in your early 20s, but this little one was just too cute! Just then the others showed.

           “Eww who invited our coach?” Tyson grinned at you. You made a face at him, about to respond before Gabe beat you to it.

           “I’d rather have her here than you,” he said as Tyson feigned hurt. The others laughed and after greetings were exchanged you all started to walk. As the guys walked ahead, you walked along with Mel and Linnea.

           “So how are you liking Denver?” she asked cheerily.

           “The weather is a nice change from SoCal, that’s for sure,” you let out a soft laugh. “I’ve really only been to like the rink and the grocery store, so I haven’t been able to explore much more than this. I was happy when Nate invited me to hike with you guys so I could see a bit more,” you smiled.

           “We should go get lunch then one day, and go shopping! If you would like to. I know hanging around the rink with the guys gets a little old,” she said sincerely, and you couldn’t help but feel excited at the possibility of making a new friend.

           “That sounds like fun! I’m not used to being around this much testosterone.”

          ��“Yeah they are terrible sometimes.” You both started to laugh, catching the attention of the guys in front of you. You locked eyes with Nate, and blushed slightly under the grin he was sending you. Tyson walked over to the two of you and slung his arm around your shoulders.

           “Coach, I have a question…” you looked at him apprehensively and he gave you a sly grin. “Who is your favorite so far?” Nate you automatically thought, but were nervous to say out loud.

           “Well it’s definitely not you,” you replied, shrugging off his arm to the chirps of everyone else.

           “I bet it’s Nate,” Andre spoke up with a grin, Nate shooting him a look. You tried to think of something quick to say, seeing as Nate was looking as uncomfortable as you were starting to feel.

           “No, he has extra laps to skate tomorrow,” you tried to joke, hoping to ease Nate. It worked, he grinned at you and chuckled.

           “You don’t even know if you can enforce that,” he teased back.

           “I will figure it out!” you yelled back dramatically. The rest of the walk went like that, with the guys chirping one another, and dragging you and Mel into it. At some point after talking a bit to Cale, you ended up next to Nate as your little group came to a stop at a look out point. The trees were turning color with the season and everything looked pristine and beautiful. When Mel suggested taking a group picture. You automatically started to back up and were about to offer to take the picture when Nate gently placed his hand on your back.

           “Your part of this group too. Don’t be trying to sneak off,” he smiled at you. You were about to reply that it was okay when Andre spoke up.

           “Yeah Coach. Grace our picture with your Olympic winning smile.” He said, sending you a wink. You laughed and shook your head.

           “Oh God. That one hurts my face,” you admitted. You were known for always smiling throughout your routines. Even if you fell, you kept your smile. By the end of a four in a half minute long program though, that smile usually felt forced and plastered, even if it didn’t look that way. Andre turned his camera around as a selfie and held it up since he was the tallest. You were toward the back with Nate, his hand still on your back and you stood on your toes to try to be taller, your short frame looking incredibly small next to the larger bodies around you. After the picture was taken and sent to everyone, you and Mel exchanged numbers as you all continued the hike back to your cars. It was just after 1pm and you all decided to get lunch. You enjoyed your time with everyone and were starting to feel like Denver could be home. After lunch, Nate drove you back to your apartment. You were slightly sad the day was coming to an end. He parked and insisted on walking you up to your apartment, even though you assured him it wasn’t a big deal. Opening your front door, he eyed your still packed boxes again.  

           “You know, I could help you put together a book shelf if you’d like,” Nate said, face flushing a bit. You thought it was adorable, someone as large as him flustered.

           “That’s kind of you, but I have to go buy one first,” you smiled at him. He shrugged.

           “I can go with you. You might need help carrying it,” he smirked and you let out a laugh.

           “Wow, I think you are just really trying to get out of doing those laps tomorrow,” you shook your head.

           “Are you really going to make me do those?” he asked, leaning against your door frame.

           “I’m not sure yet, I haven’t decided,” you shrugged, making him chuckle. You looked up at him and couldn’t help but smile, the thought that someone might actually care about you as a person, and not because of your accolades filling you with immense joy. He was offering to help you build a bookcase after all. “I might just take you up on that offer though.” Nate smiled and pushed himself off your door frame and extended his arms to you. You gave him a hug and have never felt quiet as safe so quickly as his large frame enveloped you.

           “I’ll see you tomorrow Coach,” he said as he pulled away from you and winked.

           “Have a good night Nate,” you smiled. As he walked away you shut your door. Walking further into your apartment, you plopped down on the couch and got your phone out of your bag. You saw you had a few new followers on Instagram, some from the team and a few of their significant others. Mel had tagged you in a picture, and you saw it was the one you had all taken, along with one of just her, Gabe and Linnea. You went and posted the picture as well, captioning it “I’m not sure what I like about Denver better. This team, or the view?”

           You busied yourself the rest of the day and checked your Insta around dinner again. There was a comment from Tyson. “This team is the view.” You couldn’t help but laugh and be thankful that you ended up in Denver.

tags: @bqstqnbruin​ @avsfans95​ @andreiaafaria​ 

[daisiesandshakes]

Ikevamp fanfiction oc Linnea

Unexpected

Warnings: none, maybe a bit angst

„Everything will be fine, believe me.“ Comte holds the shaking girl in his arms. „I am glad you told me about this man and your gut instinct.“ Confidence and comfort float over from him and seep into her unsettled mind, immediatly calming her down.

His glance moves over to Leonardo. „I think we’ll have to intensify our inquiries about some rumours.“

Leonardo only nods with an agreeing buzz.

„But for now, let’s have a nice dinner.“ Le Comte smiles softly at her. „Please go and change your dress, we expect a special guest today.“

Linnea lifts her chin to meet his gaze, a puzzled look in her eyes. The past weeks Comte never had guests for dinner.

„He’s a precious friend and helps us with our… inquiries.“

Leonardo makes a buzz again, but this time it sounds rather annoyed and Lina feels his refusal. A precious friend of Comte but Leonardo doesn’t like him? Now she is really curious.

„Okay, I’ll be there with a proper dress, I promise.“ Cheering at both vampires she leaves the room.

After the door closes Le Comte sighs. „What do you think about this?“

„I think we should take her premonition very serious.“ He lightens a cigarello. „This stranger knows apparently how special she is. Very likely he‘s of her kind. That… might be a problem.“

„We don’t know his intentions.“ Comte replies.

„Yeah, exactly.“

Saint-Germain cocks an eyebrow „You expect something bad to happen?“

„You don’t?“ Leonardo’s eyes pierce through the smoke of his cigarello.

The other pureblood exhales. „Well, that’s the reason why I asked our guest for help right from the start. He has the best connections in town besides Arthur and Theodorus.“

„Yeah, and only God knows why and for what.“ his words sounds like a growl.

Comte chuckles „Don’t make a grouchy face Leonardo. Now let’s have a relaxing dinner party and tomorrow we’ll take up the task.“

„Relaxing, huh? We’ll see…“

**********

The dinner already started as Linnea rushes into the dining room. She almost stumbles into Sebastian who tries to balance two plates with appetizers. „Let me help you Sebas.“ She mumbles and takes one plate of his hand. Thanking her with a pleased smile he winks at Lina „Your chance to get near to our guest, hm?“

„You know me already very good, dear Sebas.“

„To be honest, there isn’t very much what escapes me.“

She giggles at his dry reply and steps forward, her eyes searching through the room impatiently . Spotting Le Comte, Leonardo and the stranger chatting in a corner, she decides to get closer. Only able to see the back oft he guest, she remarks his unusual clothing style and something plucks at her memory. Unsure now if she should speak to him, Linnea stops in her tracks and frowns. Wait – does she know him?

The stranger turns around with an elegant smile and sparkling, mismatched eyes „Ah, there art thou, little birdie.“

The plate slides out of Linnea’s suddenly cold hands. „YOU?“

Frozen to the spot and her glance glued to his, she doesn’t even notice that Sebastian quickly picks up the plate and the snacks from the floor.

„The last time we met I hadn’t the chance to introduce myself proper, due to the circumstances.“ He makes a step forward , taking her hand. „I am William Shakespeare and it is my greatest delight to meet thee again, little bird.“ Breathing a kiss on the back of her hand his eyes never leave hers. His sing-sang voice flows into her, stirring at her emotions. This is the voice she heard in her dreams!

„Y- You are real?“ are the only words Linnea manages to form. She gives Comte a puzzled look. „But- I thought… “

„Oh, I am very pleased to tell thou that I am very real.“ His smile brightens.

Looking back to Shakespeare she blurts out „Your eyes! I’ve painted them countless times! I thought you … I thought you are a threat or you live only in my imagination…“ her voice breaks and his eyes narrow.

The grip around her hand tightens „I am neither a threat for thee nor a vision, my precious little flower. Tis a promise.“ She could sense the truth in his words, no threatening feelings up to her are detectable.

„My dear friend Vincent and my humble self found thee… and I am more than pleased to find you in good health again.“

Tears spill out of her eyes and Shakespeare’s lips escape a small gasp as abruptly hundreds of glimmering stars appear in them. Several bright shining strands burst out from Linnea’s hands , wrapping around Shakespeare and herself like a embrace. Unable to move he feels the strands crawling up to his head and he shivers due to the prickle.

„Linnea, what are you doing?“

Ignoring Comte’s concerned voice she withdraws her hand from Shakespeare’s, cupping his face. The strands around his head are so bright now, it hurts in the eyes to look at them.

„Who did this to you?“ The girl asks as tears run down her cheeks.

Thank you for reading 💗

[puckinghell]

Almost | Nathan MacKinnon

Summary: Every time Nate doesn’t tell you he loves you, he almost does. Until the clock suddenly starts ticking, and almost might not be enough. Words: 5.3k Note: I wrote this all at once and I couldn’t be bothered to read it after to make sure it made sense so excuse me if it doesn’t. We’re in the midst of a global crisis, I couldn’t buy potatoes in the supermarket cause it’s empty, and I don’t have my emotional support dumbass hockey boys, so you can imagine the emotional distress I’m under.

---

Nate isn’t very good at flirting.

He knows that, and he’s known that for a long time. Not only because he’s got pretty good self-insight, but also because his teammates have been telling him for years. 

In fact, the first time he went out with Tyson, back when he just came onto the Avs and going out was a big deal to him, Tys shook his head and said: “If you don’t learn how to flirt you’re gonna end up dying alone. With a Cup and enough gold to drown in, but alone.” 

Nate loves Tys to death, but he still thinks about that night sometimes and wants to kick Tys in the shin.

Because as much as he’s bad at flirting, he never really thought it was a problem. Surely one day a girl would come into his life and she’d like him so much she would do the heavy lifting, and he could just kinda cruise along. Or maybe one day, when the right girl would come into his life, it would all be easy, suddenly. 

Except.

He’s pretty sure that you are the right girl. He has been sure about that for the past two years, ever since you became friends. And yet, you’re still friends. Just friends.

Nate thinks he kinda accidentally put himself in the friend zone. At first he thought it was fine if you were just friends, because it would grow into something more naturally. 

But one day Gabe turned to him solemnly and said: “Once she’s put you in the ‘Don’t go there’ part of her brain, you’re not coming out of there, bro.” 

He’d waved Gabe off, but now he’s starting to think Gabe was right. 

Because in the beginning, sometimes, you’d look at him a certain way, or you’d say something, and Nate was certain you meant it in a flirty way. Was sure he saw his own feelings reflected in your eyes. But those times became less and less frequent and now, he can’t remember the last time you looked at him like that. He only knows that you talk to him about dates you go on, like it doesn’t break his heart to think about you with someone else. And you wrap your arms around him so easy and comfortably, like the butterflies in his stomach when you touch him have no right o be there. And you ask to sleep in his bed with him after late movie nights like the thought of it ever being anything more than sleeping has never entered your mind. Nate thinks maybe he’s missed his window, but he also can’t imagine not ending up with you. So he starts his quest of getting you to notice him in a different way.

--

It’s shortly after he made that decision that he’s finding himself in Gabe’s backyard, a bottle of beer in his hand as he stands next to EJ who is grilling steaks on the barbecue. Gabe’s summer barbecue is somewhat of a staple, for the Avs, and if he thought that having a baby would mean Gabe’s parties would come to an end, Nate was wrong. Gabe flutters through the backyard with Linnea on his arm like he’s never done anything else. He switches his own beer bottle with Linnea’s bottle of milk – or whatever she’s drinking – between people he chats to, and before too long he shows up next to Nate and EJ. “Looking good,” Gabe whistles, looking at the grill. “Nate, are you staring at Y/N again?” Nate swirls around to face his captain; he hadn’t even noticed he was staring at you, but perhaps he was, because he knows you’ve been talking to Josty for the past 15 minutes and he’s not entirely happy about the way Josty leaned into you while he laughed at something you said. “It’s too late, bud,” EJ says, his signature toothless grin appearing. “You’ve waited too long and now she’s going to think you mean everything in a friendly way.” “That’s not true!” Nate starts protesting, even though he knows EJ is just trying to rile him up; but he can’t really make his point because you choose that moment to come over to them. “Are you still not done?” you tease EJ, playfully bumping against his shoulder. “I’m hungry, EJ, can you not grill a little faster?” “Grilling is like art,” EJ grumbles, “you can’t rush it.” “That’s the dumbest thing you’ve ever said,” you answer, your voice filled with fondness. “Ah, there’s Linnea! Can I hold her?” You make grabby hands at the baby and Gabe easily passes her to you, which, honestly, rude. “You never let me hold her!” Nate sputters, and Gabe shrugs. “That’s because Y/N is responsible and you killed the only succulent you had in your house.” “A succulent is not the same as a baby. I could take care of her.” Nate feels extremely offended, even more so when you giggle. “No offense, but if I had to pick someone to take care of Linnea, it would be Y/N, then Colin, then literally anyone else, before it would be you,” says Gabe. “Even Josty?” Nate whines, and at that moment, Mel steps in next to Gabe, putting her hand on his back. “Are we letting Tyson take care of Linnea?” she asks. “Absolutely no way,” Gabe is quick to answer, and you suppose it’s a good thing Josty isn’t here to hear that. “I was just saying I would let Y/N take care of our little girl.” “Oh, would you?” Mel excitedly grasps your shoulder. “Gabe and I haven’t had a date night in like, months! “Sure, I’d love to,” you answer truthfully. You slide your finger into Linnea’s hand, the baby making excited gurgling noises as she clasps down on it. She’s stronger than she looks. “Can I come?” Nate says suddenly. His cheeks are a little tinted, even though it’s not that warm outside anymore. “It could be like, a babysitting date.” “Oh, of course!” you answer. “That’s a perfect idea, Nate! Mel, we should set up a play date for Linnea with my sister’s baby!” You ignore EJ’s cackling laugh and what sounds like a low groan coming from Nate, instead follow Mel to the porch with Linnea in your hands to plan the play date. EJ slings his arm around Nate, grinning a little wickedly as he says: “So close, Nathan. Almost got her.”

Nate elbows him in the stomach loud enough to earn a disapproving tut from Gabe.

--

Nate tells Sid about his plan during their monthly FaceTime session. “Good luck with that, dude,” Sid says, and it doesn’t even sound that condescending, coming from him. “What do you think I should do?” Nate knows asking Sid for advice on flirting is like asking a blind man for advice on how to see, but he’s getting desperate and he really, really doesn’t want to have to ask Tys. He’d never live that one down. “Uh,” Sid answers, and that’s about as much as Nate was expecting from him, anyway. “Maybe ask her out to dinner, or something?” Actually, that’s more than Nate was expecting from Sid, because that’s actually not the worst idea. Sure, you’ve gone out to dinner together many times, but it was always very clearly not a date setting; either the other guys were there, or it was at a MacDonalds – Nate doesn’t like to go to junkfood places, but he supposes if Tys was gonna leave any imprint on him, it would be his love for McFlurry’s – or it was just dinner at his apartment, wearing sweatpants and ordering Chinese while watching some dumb Netflix show. His chance to ask you comes quicker than he thought, because he’s still talking to Sid – about hockey, this time, something Sid does actually have great advice on – when you come barreling into his apartment. Your hair is wet from the rain and you shrug off your rain coat with a wave in his direction. “It’s pouring,” you tell him, “and I walked to work, so.” To anyone else, it would be a bad explanation, but it’s not the first time you’ve showed up at Nate’s apartment like this. You like to walk to work when it’s not too cold but sometimes the weather surprises you and you don’t want to walk back in the rain or the wind. Nate’s apartment is a lot closer to your work than your apartment, so it’s become a habit of yours to go to Nate’s on days like that and just hang out in his apartment until you either fall asleep there or Nate offers to drive you home.    “Is that Y/N?” Sid asks. “Hey, Y/N!” “Hi Sid!” you call back. “Nate, I’m gonna shower.” “Ask her,” Sid says, which is very pushy for Sid, who usually never tells Nate to do anything, instead just says “If I were you, I would consider” and let Nate figure out the underlying message. “Ask me what?” you ask Nate curiously, eyeing him up and down. He’s glaring at Sid as if Sid said something wrong, and when he looks at you, he doesn’t quite catch your eye. “I was wondering if you wanted to get dinner with me?” Nate asks. It’s a bit of a formal question for something you do at least once a week, but you shrug it off; Nate is a bit weird, sometimes, and you’re used to that. “Sure,” you say. “Let’s order Thai. Get my usual while I’m showering? I’m hungry.” Then you yell: “Bye Sid!” before making your way to the bathroom. Nate lets out a frustrated sigh and Sid sounds sympathetic when he says: “Almost there, dude. Just, next time, if I were you, I’d consider…” Nate is already not listening anymore.

--

Today is the day, Nate has decided. He bought roses, which EJ told him is lame and Gabe told him is great idea, and he cooked pasta, for which he used Sammy’s recipe. He’s not a good cook, but Sammy promised it’s impossible to mess up, and he thinks he did alright. He texted you this morning to ask you to come to his place for dinner. You replied with a sure :) and Nate takes that to be a good sign. He has a plan. When you walk in, he’ll take your coat, instantly changing the routine between you, because he normally stays on the couch when you open the door with your key. He won’t be wearing sweatpants, either, not even if he expects you might be; he’s wearing black jeans and a nice button up, and he’s even done his hair. Well, made an attempt to; it didn’t really work out and now it looks kinda the same as always, but hey, he’s really trying, here. Next, he’ll lead you to the table, which he’ll actually have set up, and at that point, surely you understand something different is happening, because a set up table is so different from his normal paper plates and Netflix. Then he’ll give you the roses and confess his feelings. He’s not really thought that part through too much, because every time he thinks about it he almost throws up. So. He’ll have to wing that. The problem, Nate finds out, with planning everything to perfection, is that when one thing goes wrong, the entire plan has to go out the window. Because half an hour after you were supposed to arrive, he gets a text saying sorry I’m late! Be there in 10 and he knows he’s gonna have to reheat the pasta, which Sammy said was not the point of pasta. But he’s not gonna kick off and cause a scene when you arrive, because he reasons it doesn’t really matter, in the grand scale of things. So he sits on the couch and waits. Finally, the door swings open and Nate jumps to his feet, ready to take your coat from you. Except, you’re not wearing a coat; you’re wearing his old hoodie and for some reason his breath hitches in his throat and suddenly he feels like his feet are nailed to the floor, unable to move. “Hey, sorry I’m late,” you call, basically running further into the apartment. “I came from the gym and let me tell you, I have got great news!” “News?” Nate echoes. You stop right in front of him, your eyes shining and a bright smile on your face. Suddenly, you lift an eyebrow, eyes catching on something. “Nathan MacKinnon, did you do something to your hair?” Before Nate can answer, you shrug and continue. “Well, it doesn’t matter anyway. Guess what happened at the gym!” “What?” Nate seems to only be able to repeat what you say, so he decides to stick with that. “I got asked on a date!” Nate thinks if he had one wish, he would wish for the floor to open up beneath his feet and for him to sink through the building, all 7 floors below his apartment, and then down into the ground, until he could bury himself in the dirt. “A date?” You’re so hyped you don’t even notice your best friend is simply repeating your words, barely reacting in any other way. “He’s so hot, this guy, Nate! He comes to the gym every Thursday, just like I do, and we never talk but sometimes I catch him looking, and like, I look back, you know? And today he came over and he asked if I wanted to get a drink, but obviously I had plans with you and I would never blow you off, so I said we could do it tomorrow. I have a date tomorrow, Nate!” In your excitement, you reach forward and wrap your arms around Nate, pressing your face into his chest. His heart is beating fast, and you notice that he kinda just remains frozen into place, so you look up at him with a frown. “Nate? You okay?” That seems to shake Nate from his trance, as he literally shakes himself out of it and slowly puts his arms around you. With a happy sigh, you allow yourself to sink into the embrace. “What are we eating, anyway? I’m hungry.” Nate praises any and every God there could possibly be that he decided to leave the door to the dining room closed. “Whatever you want, we can order,” he answers. “I’m just gonna, uh, get changed.” “I thought you looked fancy,” you grin, letting go of him and dropping onto the couch. “What about Italian?” Hours later, Nate throws away the empty pizza boxes and puts the roses in the bin with them, and then he goes to his bedroom to scream into a pillow. He wants to call you, wants to ask you to not go on a date with that guy. But then he thinks about how excited you looked and he doesn’t call. He doesn’t call, but he almost does, and he thinks that’s a pretty good way to describe how his life is going.

--

Nate has truly hit rock bottom, which is why he’s scrolling through his phone until he finds the familiar name. “Dogggg!” Tys yells into the phone, because he can never answer the phone like a normal person. “I’m baking chocolate chip cookies!” And Nate is suddenly a little overwhelmed with how much he misses his best friend. “Baking?” he teases. “What kinda mental breakdown are you going through this time?” “Hey, fuck you,” Tys says, but he sounds mellow and not bothered at all. “What’s up?” And Nate has been planning to ease into this conversation, have a little small talk, maybe talk about Toronto and how the coaching change has been working out for Tys, but Tys is his best friend – apart from you – and suddenly he can’t keep it to himself anymore. “I’m in love with Y/N,” he blurts out, and he hears a clank on the other side of the line that sounds suspiciously like Tyson dropping a spoon. “Well, yeah,” Tys comes back, a little too calmly for Nate’s liking. “But I meant like, what’s up with you that’s new, Dogg.” “I need to do something about it,” Nate says, and that seems to get Tyson’s attention, cause he suddenly sounds a lot more interested when he says: “Oh?”    “Cause like,” Nate starts, and he knows he’s about to start rambling. “Cause I’m so into her, you know, and I have been for so long, but I don’t think she sees me that way? And maybe if I would’ve done something sooner, she would’ve thought of me as an option, and she wouldn’t be going out with that guy right now..” “Wow hold up,” Tyson interrupts. “Wait, she’s got a boyfriend?” “No!” The force with which that word erupts from Nate’s mouth is maybe a little too telling, cause Tyson immediately goes into ‘calm down Nate’ mode. “Hey, hey, it’s just a date or two, right?” he soothes. “It’s totally not serious yet. And you and her, you’ve got history, dude. She loves you! There’s still time!” “What if she doesn’t love me in that way, though?” Nate asks, and he hates how tiny his voice sounds. “Then she’s got no taste, Nate,” Tyson says, awfully genuine. “You’d be an awesome boyfriend. Hell, you’ve basically been her boyfriend, you two act like a couple all the time.” Nate hadn’t thought of it like that. “Cause like, you’re always hanging out together, right?” Tys continues. “And you bring her to all your events as your plus one. She cooks you dinner at least once a week. You pick her up and drop her off when it’s raining and she doesn’t wanna walk. You always get her a Christmas present. She even bakes your favorite cookies when you’ve had a tough game.” He sounds slightly jealous when he says: “Cookies, bro! That’s true love.” And, well, Nate had always thought that was just a friend thing, but when he thinks about it, he doesn’t really treat any of his other friends that way. Has never picked up his phone at 4 am because Sid was calling, never ran a bath for Tys after a long day. Maybe, in a way, he has been acting like your boyfriend. Except. “We don’t kiss and stuff, though.” Tyson laughs. “And stuff. I bet you want the stuff, huh, bro?” “Shut up,” Nate grumbles, but he’s too thankful for Tyson’s input to put much heat behind it. “Brutes, what do I do?” “You need to complete the package, Dogg,” Tys says, sounding confident. “You’re almost her boyfriend. Now go get that kiss and be it for real.”

--

Nate is not usually a big drinker, but this, he needs to be super, super drunk for. “Careful,” Burky says, as he watches Nate slam back another shot. “That’s a lot of alcohol, Nate.” “You gonna call Gabe on me?” Nate says, defiant, and Burky shrugs. “No, but if you need to be carried home, I’ll get Z to do it.” That’s enough for Nate to not order another shot right away. “He’s upset because Y/N is here with a guy.” It’s Comphy who speaks, in a dull tone like he’s talking about the weather. Josty, who is with them too, sits up a little straighter. “She came with a guy?” “Shut up,” Nate all but growls. “I didn’t know when I invited her the invitation would be extended.” He really hadn’t; he’d asked you to come out with the boys after the game because he found out you were bringing the guy – Nate purposely forgets his name every time – and he figured he was running out of time. At least if he kept you out all night you couldn’t go home with the guy, and he might find the courage to tell you how he feels. Except then you’d shown up with the guy in tow, and now he’s wondering if it’s possible to drown himself in tequila. He must’ve looked properly miserable for the guys to crowd around him like they are; Gabe went home because he’s a dad now, but Comph and Josty and Burky are all sitting with him, refusing to have fun now that their assistant captain looks ready to commit a crime, and Z and EJ both keep shooting worried glances his way. Nate really doesn’t care. What he cares about is that you’re with with a guy that’s not him, and you’ve barely paid attention to him. He’s just about drunk enough that that annoyance is starting to become unbearable, and just drunk enough that it seems like a good idea to do something about it. “Nate, no…” Burky starts, when Nate stands up, and Comphy reaches for him, but even drunk Nate is quicker than them and he starts pushing his way through the crowd, to where you’re standing with the guy and laughing at something he’s saying. You feel two strong arms wrap around your waist, the grip almost too tight as you’re pushed flat against a muscular chest. For a second, you freeze, ready to fight, but then you smell familiar cologne and you recognize the arms that are wrapped around you in iron grip. “Nate?” you say. “Everything okay?” Nate hums in your ear but it’s not really words; just a low hum that makes something tingle in the pit of your stomach. If only Tom knew the effect Nate has on you, he probably wouldn’t be here. As it is, Tom’s eyes are wide as he stares at Nate. You did tell him you knew people on the team and that’s why you could get tickets to the Avs game so last minute, but you’d forgone the mention that your “contact” is Nathan MacKinnon; for some reason, you didn’t really want those worlds to mix just yet. Maybe that’s why you’d been keeping your distance from Nate, tonight. Normally, Nate isn’t the kinda guy to come chasing you down, but you can smell the alcohol on his breathe and his words slur a little when he says: “Where have you been?” Your heart starts beating a little faster. “Here,” you say, trying to ignore the dark tone to Nate’s voice. To say you’re confused in an understatement: Nate sounds almost angry, but he’s clinging to you like he’s not ever letting you go, so surely he can’t be angry at you. You wish Tom wasn’t here. If you’d been alone, you would’ve dragged Nate outside and talked to your best friend, figured out what’s bothering him, because it’s clear there’s something and you don’t like knowing that he’s carrying it alone. Nate has a tendency to carry the entire world on his shoulders, on his own, even when there’s so many people who would share the burden with him. “Dude,” Tom says, “you’re Nathan MacKinnon!” You feel Nate tense behind you. You know he doesn’t like to be recognized in public spaces but honestly, Tom didn’t speak loudly, and he’s not making a scene, so you wiggle out of Nate���s hold and put your hand on his arm.

Usually, that calms him down. “Yeah, Tom, this is my friend Nate. Nate, this is Tom.” Nate’s face is schooled into perfect indifference as he shakes the hand Tom holds out to him; the only thing betraying that he’s annoyed is the fact that his other, free, hand is balled into a fist and his knuckles are white. “Good to meet you, man,” Tom says. “That was such a nice goal there in the 2nd, holy shit dude! I’m like, such a big fan of you!” You cringe a little as Nate narrows his eyes. “Thanks,” he says, and he could not sound more bored if he tried. Even Tom shifts on his feet and nervously looks towards the floor. Then Nate’s hand finds its way to your lower back, his thumb dipping under your shirt. You feel like all the blood is rushing through your cheeks, and when Tom frowns, you feel like you could pass out. “Nice to meet you,” Nate says, in a tone that makes it clear he’d rather undergo a colonoscopy than ever speak to Tom again. “But can I borrow my girl for a second?” My girl? “Nate, what the…” you sputter, but you’re already being pushed through the crowd towards the exit, and before you know it you’re standing in a dark alley with your back to the brick wall of the club. Nate is standing close, so close you can feel his breath against your cheek when he exhales. His eyes are big and a bit wild, and you wonder if he can hear your heartbeat as clearly as you can. “Nate…” You mean to ask him what’s going on, but for some reason his name comes out of your mouth in a quiet rush of air, and it seems to do something to Nate, who inhales sharply and drops his head a little, his forehead nearly touching yours. “I hate it,” he mutters, the words soft enough that you can only make them out because it’s just the two of you in the silent outside air. “Hate what?” “Seeing you with him.” Those words hit you like a freight train, and all you manage to bring out is a soft “uhm”. “I can’t watch you with him,” Nate whispers. His hands are against the wall but his chest is pressed up against yours, and slowly but surely, he’s leaning in. And that’s when you realize, oh. Nate is going to kiss you. To your own surprise, that doesn’t shock you. It’s not some big thing that throws the world of its axis, that shakes the ground beneath your feet. It’s just a realization and then a soft, warm feeling of comfort spreading through your body. You want him to kiss you so badly, but it’s not like something is exploding, knowing that he wants it too. Instead, it’s like something finally falls into place.

“Y/N?” a voice goes, and you almost whine out loud. Nate jumps back like he’s been stung. He stares at you with wide eyes, the color drained from his face, and then he turns around and all but runs away. Tom watches him leave, then faces you, and in that moment you know four things absolutely certain. Nate was jealous. You’re never going to go on another date with Tom. Nate almost kissed you. And almost wasn’t enough.

--

Nate wakes up with a banging headache, the taste of dirt in his mouth and 20 missed text messages. Most of the messages are from Tyson, and there’s one from EJ, who is apparently the one that told Tyson about last night in the first place, because his text simply reads: Had to tell Brutes. You need help. Which is probably fair enough. There’s a text from Josty offering support, one from Burky asking if he got home safe, one from Gabe that Nate doesn’t read because he doesn’t want to see Gabe’s disappointed face every time he closes his eyes for the next few days, and then there’s a text from you. We have to talk. Well, fuck. Nate doesn’t have a lot of experience with relationships, but he knows that’s never a good sign. Nate knows that you know him well enough to have figured out that he was drunk last night, so you probably don’t expect him to be up yet. He takes advantage of that time by taking a shower and brushing his teeth at least four times until he can no longer taste the tequila in the back of his throat, making a cup of coffee and having a freak out at his kitchen counter because surely you’re going to tell him to never talk to you again. Not only did he not have the balls to tell you how he feels about you, he also acted like an asshole to a guy you apparently like – although Nate has no clue why, because he seemed boring as hell – and then he nearly kissed you but instead ran away. Not a great track record. It’s nearly noon when he finally gathers up the courage to call you. After all, you’ve given him two years of friendship, so that’s the least he can do. “Hey,” he says softly into the phone when the connection clicks through. “It’s Nate.” “I know,” you answer, and he’s surprised by how light your tone is. “I have caller ID, Nate. Have had it for years.” It throws him off, how normal you sound. There’s nothing in your voice to betray that you’re mad at him, or that you hate him. He almost forgets what he was going to say. Almost, but not quite. “I’m really sorry about last night,” he blurts out. “Do you mind if I come over so we can talk about it?” “Uhm,” you hesitate, and Nate’s heart sinks into the pit of his stomach.    “Actually, I’m almost at your apartment.” “Oh.” Nate had not expected that. “Uhm, okay. I’ll be here, then.” You laugh. “Yeah, I hoped you would be. See you in a bit, Nate.”    It takes you another 6 minutes to arrive; Nate knows it’s exactly 6 because he stares at the hands of the clock while he waits, while simultaneously thinking of all the possible scenarios in which you could break his heart. When you walk into the kitchen, he feels like he’s about to throw up. “You don’t look great,” is the first thing you say to him. “Have you had breakfast? You know hangovers get worse when you don’t eat.” And that’s... Not quite what Nate was expecting. “Yoohoo, Nate?” You wave your hand in front of his pale face, as Nate stares at you and doesn’t speak. “Are you okay?” “You hate me,” Nate blurts out then, and instantly his eyes fix on the floor in shame. “Or, you should.” You frown. “Why? Because you were a jealous dick last night?” Nate’s face turns from white to a bright shade of pink. You smile, walk to Nate who’s sitting on a barstool at the counter, and carefully push open his knees, so you can slide in between his legs. If Nate’s eyes go any wider, you worry they might fall out.   “Last night,” you repeat, “you were jealous. Of Tom.” It’s not a question, but Nate still nods, avoiding your eyes as he does. “And then you were going to kiss me.” Not a question either, and this time Nate doesn’t respond. “Nate,” you say softly, and the warmth in your tone must be what finally gets Nate to look up at you, his eyes locking with yours. “Do you still want to kiss me?” “I do,” Nate says. His voice is a little shaky but he needs to get this out, because he needs you to know this. “I always want to kiss you.” “Why haven’t you?” you ask. The answer is not really an answer, but it means everything anyway. “I almost did,” Nate says. “So many times, Y/N. So many times I almost did.” “Almost, almost,” you repeat, rolling your eyes, and then you slide your hands behind Nate’s neck and kiss him. He almost stumbles, his hands gripping your waist as if he’s afraid he’ll fall right onto the floor if he doesn’t have something to hold onto. But he’s kissing you back right away, his mouth soft yet forceful at the same time. Like he’s never going to stop kissing you. You don’t think you ever want him to.

--

It’s late at night and the streets of Denver are quiet beneath Nate’s apartment.    He’s laying on his back and you’re draped across his chest, naked bodies tangled together under the sheets. He’s not sure if you’re asleep; your breathing is shallow and even, but every now and then your fingers tighten around where they’re wrapped around his arm, and he wonders if you’re dreaming, or simply checking if he’s still there. As if he would ever leave. Nate can’t help himself; he lightly presses his lips against your hair, the ghost of a kiss against your skin. You hum softly. “Nate?” “Yeah,” he whispers. “It’s me.” A lazy giggle escapes your lips. “Thank God it’s not someone else.” The silence returns, but this time it’s heavy with something Nate knows you’re not saying. “What are you thinking about?” he mumbles, tracing circles on the naked skin of your back. Your answer shakes something inside of him. “That I almost didn’t get to have this.” He thinks of all the times he almost said something to you but didn’t, and curses himself for all the time lost. “Almost didn’t, but we did, and that’s what matters, right?” he speaks into the darkness.

You smile.

You know you’re not dreaming, but you almost can’t believe you aren’t.

Almost. 

[shinymooncolor]

Hi 💖💖

@lumosinlove is amazing. Sweater Weather is amazing. This chat and this blog and Olli and me love you all and we’re proud allies and everyone deserves to be happy and be themselves.

Here’s a little, short chat for you all. @frombeauxbatons helped me with a lot of ideas for this one 😍

I know this might not be totally realistic but. Heck, it’s fiction. 💜🖤🤍

Tried something new. So - the last part is a live interview during broadcast. All comments and thoughts and criticism welcome 😇 if you like it, I’ve got another chat for that...

So, sweater weather chat #13

Finn has a vision. And no one understands him. Sergei yells. Dumo and Sunny are pranksters. Kuny wants more lions. Olli is a good boy. The girls are proud of their boys. So much glitter.

—

Saturday 9.22 pm

Prongstar: sooo. Finn just got kicked out from the Arena by Alice. Hahahahah poor baby. He’s almost crying.

Siriusly: what happened?

DumoDad: apparently Finn’s vision was not welcomed by Alice and her team. 😂

CarbO’Hara: THEY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THEY ARE DOING. I AM AN ARTIST AND THEY ARE SILENCING MY GENIUS

CarbO’hara: she’s mean. I was just giving some constructive criticism. 😣

Newt-leo: I’ve decorated a room with you. I have to side with Alice on this one.

Ollibear: you made one of the interns cry Finn. 🥺

CarO’Hara: HOW HARD IS IT. Certain colours match. Some don’t. It’s just stupid. I could’ve decorated that arena and the locker room way better.

Nadotheman: You’re not decorating my stall. Alice promised we could each decorate our own. Don’t you try and go pridezilla on us now.

Logantremblayzzz: leave us out. Finn is a nightmare when it comes to aestethics… you’d think he was a goalie…

Blizzard: HEY

Newt-leo: HEY

Sunnysideup: ohhh someone is on the couch tonight 😜😜😜😜

Sergei_81: I decorate my stall. Stay away.

RussianGod: I want more lions. I only got little lion. 😳

Siriusly: I get most lions. I’m captain.

Timmyforrealz: OLLI HAS 8 LIONS?!?!?!?

Ollibear: don’t you dare touch them. I will make you regret it

Nadotheman: how come you get 8???? She said there was only a certain amount

Siriusly: because no one can not crumble when Olli turns on the puppy eyes. Also everyone in the front office loves him. He never causes trouble, rarely fights and he’s just a good boy.

Ollibear: you know I’m older than you right?

DumoDad: you’re still a good boy, Olli!

Ollibear: this is weird. But I’ll take the praise.

—

Sunday 8.22 am

Blizzard: SERGEI IS YELLING AT KUNY IN THE LOCKER ROOM!!!!!

Prongstar: be right there

Siriusly: I don’t understand russian. But it sounds bad @sunnysideup

Talkiewalkie: why is his hair blue?

Blizzard: all I gathered was something something prank something something castrate something something blue

TalkieWalkie: ohhhh. Apparently someone put blue dye in Sergei’s shampoo… Oh this is fucking golden. Who came up with that 😍

Ollibear: why is he yelling at Kuny about it?

Sunnysideup: he thinks Kuny did it, Kuny claims he was framed… OH that was something about mothers. Ouch

Timmyforrealz: russian is so much cooler when cursing people 😉

Nadotheman: the blue suits him though. Makes him look younger

Newt-leo: you’d think Kuny would try to hide behind someone bigger?

Blizzard: No it’s a lot funnier this way. Poor Logan to be caught in the middle of it though 🙈

CarbO’Hara: I like how our resident gigantic enforcer is using Logan as a human shield.

Ollibear: you’re not going to rescue him? Not very chivalrous

Newt-leo: he can handle himself. Also it’s funny to see Kuny trying to hide behind him…

Blizzard: Who did come up with it? @prongstar?

Prongstar: shit I don’t have the balls to prank Sergei… Have you seen his uppercuts?

DumoDad: @sunnysideup?

Sunnysideup: 😇😇😇😇 hehehehe hehehehe ask dumo....

Nadotheman: should I rescue kuny? He’s my ride today after all. Dolores is at the car doctor. And we’re raising a cat together

LeWilliam: maybe someone distract Sergei… I’m scared…

DumoDad: Olli can do it. He loves Olli.

Ollibear: cowards. And of course he loves me. I’m the only sane one on this team.

——

Sunday 9.53 am

NatALLY: OH MY GOD!!! LOOK AT ALL THESE RAINBOWS

GingerLily: I love it! It’s adorable. Also, have you seen Finn, Logan and Leo’s jerseys?

Anyaismyname: that is cute.

Celeste: Anya… Is Sergei’s hair blue?

Linnea: yes it is. Because my idiot husband thought it was funny. And apparently he framed some of the younger boys…….

Celeste: why do I have a feeling Pascal is part of this?

Linnea: because we can’t leave them alone for 5 minutes?

Anyaismyname: they asked me to help. I helped. ;)

NatALLY: I love that! Hahaha

Linnea: what does the color on olli’s stick mean? 😌

NatALLY: hmm black, grey, white and purple. ITS ACE!!! So brave!!! 💜🖤🤍

Celeste: I love how they’re all wearing some sort of flag or colors. Proud of our boys!

GingerLily: so brave - James even bought Harry a little rainbow onesie. 🏳️‍🌈😍

Anyaismyname: we did good my lovelies 💖

NatALLY: I can’t all the glitter. Ohhh kase is not gonna be happy if that gets in his hair

GingerLily: I’m not going to tell him that James’ put glitter in his hat then.

NatALLY: please don’t 😂😂 Hahahaha

——

Sunday 10.00 am

“We’re live from Hogwarts where the Gryffindor lions are hosting a charity family skate event for lgbt+ mental health organizations. Remember to tweet, text or dm us with your questions during the broadcast and I’ll do my best to get replies from the players.”

“Joining me for a quick interview is fan favorite Thomas Walker”

“Walker, you’re wearing a rainbow jersey and is that glitter?”

“Ha yeah man! Proud ally here!!! And yeah somehow O’Hara and Nado got their hands on a box of body glitter and lemme tell ya, the locker room sparkles”

“That sounds fun. Is that the case for Ivanov’s hair too? Or is that a statement we’ve missed?”

“Ask him. Snitches get stitches eh?”

“Thanks Walker and as he’s skating away, we have Jackson Nadeau joining us. Also sporting the custom lions rainbow jersey and glitter, a lot of glitter”

“What’s wrong with glitter? I’m casual enough with myself to wear glitter”

“I’m sure you are - how’re you both feeling with this event?”

“Supporting our captain and close friends and anyone else who’ve been told they don’t belong. Lions are for all!”

“You feel strongly about this, Jackson, I didn’t mean any harm. Have there been reactions yet?”

“It’s hockey, what do you think? Lots of dicks out there but also a lot of guys who just wants to play and doesn’t care. You guys are making a fuss. Not us”

“I can ensure that the quibbler has no qualms with your captain or anything. We’re proud allies as well - which is why we’re covering this”

“Yeah thanks for that!”

“Seems like you’re having fun out there - is everyone participating today?

“ yeah uhm, I think, i mean, Kane is on IR with his elbow but he’s skating today. Not playing I think. Front office got us some cool stuff. I know I’m rocking this rainbow look. Some guys chose to wear other stuff which is cool too... kuny got glitter in his eye and is wearing a weird hat”

“I’m think you jealous”

“Haha! hello there Evgeni! How’re you enjoying today?”

“I’m have fun. Is good to. Uhm”

“Support?”

“Yeah support”

“Haha he wouldn’t survive a day without me”

“Well I’ve been following your Instagram recently - how’s your cat?”

“Princess is best cat”

“She’s good! Wanted to bring her but she’s at home with the sitter”

.... to be continued....

[modern-fae-female]

Elorcan Modern AU Chapter 8

The next day Elide and Lorcan walked into school in the best moods that either of their friends had seen them in. As per usual Fenrys had to make some comment about it and the rest of the Cadre seemed very confused when he brought up a ‘little Lochan’. Lorcan quickly gave him one of his signature death stares and hurried onto history, his second favorite class as after debate with Elide. Just like before she was already there and gave him a big smile as he walked over to sit down, and to his surprise he immediately returned with one of the biggest smiles he had ever given someone. 

“ Well if it isn’t the knight.”

“ Well if it isn’t the princess.” 

“ So when do we want to meet again to work on the project.”

“ Um.. if you could make it in time I can meet at the library same time today.”

“ Sounds good, I just have to find if one of my friends could get me a ride.”

“ We could drive over together. I have practice but if you wanted to sit in the stands and get some other work done we can head over together. “

Lorcan immediately regretted it after saying it. I mean what if she didn’t want to be seen with him. That wouldn’t be surprising after he is basically enemies with all her friends. 

“ Sure, I think Manon as lacrosse practice today so I might go watch them and them meet up with you after you finish practice.”

“ Oh sounds good. We finish at 5 so if you just want to meet outside the locker rooms. We can pick up dinner again if you want and I can give you the info about the bookstore.” 

“ Sounds like a plan!”

Much to Elide’s surprise she couldn’t wait to get on the motorcycle again with Lorcan. She liked holding onto him and was excited for another night of working together and hanging out. She knew her friend group would be against it, but they had a project to work on so they had to meet up. Mr. Allsbrook walked into class and started the lesson, but throughout the whole lesson Manon and Aedion would look back to see Elide and Lorcan staring at one another, which of course the other person had no idea. 

Her first couple of periods went by quickly as she and Lysandra made their way to the lunch table and found everyone glaring at Elide. 

“ Did I do something wrong?” She has hesitantly. 

“ What's been going on with you and Salvetterre?” Aelin asked her as Elide sat down in her normal seat next to her.

“ What do you mean?”

“ I know he can seem charming but he’s bad news. I don’t want you to get hurt.”

“ As much as I appreciate you looking out for me I’m fine. And Lorcan isn’t a bad person, he’s kind and friendly to me.”

Half of the table snorted or started chocking on something at Elide’s comment,

“ Lorcan Salvettere? Kind and friendly? Are we talking about two different people here.”  Lysandra said. 

“ Apparently so because he is not how you describe him. I mean we hung out a little bit after we did our work at the library and he was funny and sweet. He even mentioned a place where I might be able to get a job. “

“ He let you on his motorcycle?” Rowan asked.

“ Yeah, after his football practice were driving back over to the library.”

“ What are you planning on doing until his practice ends?” Manon asked know joining the conversation. 

“ Well I know you have lacrosse practice so I figured I could watch and get some work done then we were going to meet up outside the locker room.”

“ I guess that's fine,” Manon replied in her usual cold tone. 

“ Back to the motorcycle, he let you on it?” Rowan asked again.

“ Yeah, why is that a big deal?”

“ Well from when I was part of the Cadre Lorcan treated that motorcycle like it was his kid or something. He didn’t let anyone on it and I didn’t think he had until you last night.”

Elide’s heart skipped a beat. Lorcan really didn’t let anyone on it but her. 

“ Well he did, and it was fun so I’m going with him again today.”

“ Fine, just be safe.” Aelin said.

“ Of course.” 

Soon lunch ended at Manon, Rowan, Aelin, and Elide made their way to Elide’s least favorite class, PE. As they walked in Elide saw the Cadre, Maeve, and her friends already there. She just had to make eye contact with Lorcan and gave him a small smile which he surprisingly returned. 

“ Alright losers today we will be doing some partner stretches. I will be pairing you up by randomly drawing your names out of the bowl. The list of stretches is on the bored,” Mr. Arobyn said as the walked into class.

 Just great Elide thought, lets get paired up with some random person or worse Maeve or one of her friends. He went through a few names as Aelin got paired up with Connall, and Manon with Essar. He then drew Elide’s name and them he called out, “ Fenrys.” Elide looked over to him and he had a smirk on his face. Elide had never really looked at him before but now she noticed how attractive he was, not as attractive as Lorcan but still. Wait, when did she think Lorcan was attractive. Elide was lost in her own thought she didn’t noticed Fenrys was walking over to her and was now right in front of her. 

“Hey Lochan, ready to get started.”

“ Yeah lets go,” Elide replied hesitantly. 

“ As they made their way over to a spot in the gym Fenrys said, “ so your the girl who has made Lorcan in such a good mood lately.” 

Elide’s heart stopped. What was he talking about? Did she really make some sort of impact on him.

“ Uh, I don’t know about that.”

“ Well he has been in an exceptionally good mood lately and from what I can tell from his longing stares he does like you and he hasn’t denied it is you.”

Longing stares? What was he going on about?

“ Oh, uh ok.”

Fenrys and Elide went through the stretches and he was cautious about her ankle. They made small talk and some silly flirting as Elide realized he wasn’t bad either. They laughed and had fun until the bell rang, Fenrys picked up Elide’s hand and placed a kiss on it. 

“ Until we meet again,” he said.

Eide giggled at his silliness and bowed and responded the same. Out of the corner of her eye she could she Lorcan giving Fenrys a death stare, what was with him?

Elide made her way to debate where sadly she learned the class that Lorcan was in would not be joining them today and they went into a lesson about some famous debates in American history. Class seemed to go by extra slow as there was no Lorcan to banter with and talk to. Finally class ended and Elide got her stuff and made her way to the Lacrosse field to watch Manon’s practice. She sat down on the bleacher next to the field and a couple minutes later Manon and 12 other girls came out in their gear. Elide waved at Manon and Manon waved for her to come over. Confused Elide got up and walked over slowly as her ankle was sore after PE today. 

“ Elide this is the rest of the thirteen, Asterin, Sorrel, Vesta, Faline, Fallon, Edda, Briar, Thea, Kaya, Linnea, Ghislaine, and Imogen. Girls this is Elide,” Manon said pointed them out. Elide recognized a few from her classes. 

“ Nice to meet you.”

“ So your the girl Manon told us about that has made good old Lorcan gone soft,” the girl who she believed was Asterin said.

“ Uh, I don’t know about that but I’m working with him on the debate project.”

“ Hm.. well enjoy watching us practice, although I don’t think it is as fun as playing.” 

Elide nodded and made her way back to where she was sitting. She watched them practice some and noticed how well they all worked together and she got some of her homework done. Soon it was almost 5 and their practiced ended and Elide got up and made her way over to the locker rooms. She could hear voices in there, some she recognized as Dorian and Aedion. Soon the boys walked out and waved to Dorian, Aedion, and Rowan who gave her a smile and waved back. Soon Lorcan walked out and made his way over to her. 

“ Hey, ready to go?” He asked. 

“ Yeah, how was practice.”

“ Good, sweaty. Got to work on my tackling skills which might come in handy as your knight.”

“ Ah yes, you need to keep up if you are to keep up with me my dear knight.”

They made banter like that as the made their way over to his motorcycle. He gave her the spare helmet again and Elide took notice of the gaping stares of the others in the parking lot as she got on the bike. Maybe Rowan was right and she was a first to get on his bike. Soon he started it and Elide grabbed onto him again as he took off to the library. They made their way over to the same spot as the day before, went over their work and made their way to the bistro again. As Elide was getting out her card to pay Lorcan had already given the cashier his and paid for both of their meals once again. 

“ I could have paid you know, I do have some money,” Elide said.

Lorcan took note of the bitterness in her tone and said, “ Sorry, I just thought it would be easier if I pay. If it bugs you that much you cam pay me back at some point.” 

Elide agreed to that as they made their way outside and sat down at a table to eat. 

“ Oh, here is the application for the bookstore I mentioned,” Lorcan said handing her the papers. 

“ Thanks I will fill them out soon.” 

They soon went back to their small talk and playful banter and soon it was getting dark and Lorcan drove Elide home. They said their goodbyes and just like the night before they both went to bed with a big smile and both hoped it would be a reoccurring thing. 

@bri-loves-sunflowers

[nazyalenskyism]

The Love of My Life When... (Part 3)

Part 1 | Part 2 Ao3: The Love of My Life When...  Summary: Part 3 of The Love of My Life When... | Zoya runs in to Nikolai for the first time since their breakup. What's the worst that can happen, right? A/N: Here’s Part 3! I hope you enjoy! As usual, the rest of the fic is under the cut.

I see the look in your eye and I'm biting my tongue

        “David!” At this wife’s voice, David waved them over while continuing his conversation with the strangers whose backs were to them. Genya tugged at Zoya’s hand pulling her along. She’d been yanking her along all day, decreeing that Zoya needed to get out of the house. She hadn’t met with any of her friends in a few weeks— she hadn’t wanted to. They would’ve asked about Nikolai, why she broke it off, and she couldn’t bring herself to talk about it, to think about it more than she already did, especially after that phone call. But today Genya had dragged her out of the house, promising they didn’t have to talk about anything Zoya didn’t want to talk about, as long as she came out for the day. She hadn’t had a choice and so she’d agreed. 

        “Genya,” the man said as he began to turn around. Zoya froze, she would recognize that voice anywhere. Panic thrummed through her veins, ‘shit.’ “How are you?” his eyes widened when he saw her, the briefest pause in his demeanor before he smiled at them both, though it didn’t reach his eyes. 

        “Nikolai?” Zoya stared at him, she was Zoya Nazyalensky, she didn’t freeze. But at this moment, she was very much frozen to the spot. She tried to close her mouth, knowing that Nikolai was a master of conversation, and if she could count on anything, it was that he and Genya would be able to steer this disaster away from any more awkwardness. 

        The woman beside Nikolai cleared her throat, smiling at them. “Oh,” Nikolai said, “this is Linnea, she’s my--”

        “We’re friends,” Linnea grinned, and Nikolai nodded along, looking slightly uncomfortable for a millisecond before his usual pleasant demeanor washed over his features.  

        “Yeah, she’s staying with me while she’s in town.” Zoya blinked, ‘is she his new girlfriend?’ She took in a deep breath, it didn’t matter. They were over, and Nikolai was handsome, rich, smart, charming, of course he would have moved on by now. Nikolai was easy to love, that’s what people said to her when he charmed them at parties, and he had a lot of love to give others. It made sense that he would have found new people to love, and she was okay with that, wasn’t she? That phone call had been a drunk dial, and obviously sober Nikolai felt very differently than his intoxicated counterpart. Either way it doesn’t matter, she told herself, but her chest still stuck, remembering wiping away the wetness on her cheeks after he’d hung up the phone. Zoya bit her tongue, forcing herself to nod along as Genya and Linnea gushed about something or the other, feeling Nikolai’s gaze occasionally on her while he spoke to David. Relief had never felt as sweet as the moment that Genya tugged her and David along, remembering suddenly that they were about to be late to their appointment to pick up Tamar and Nadia’s rings for their wedding.

        She shot one last glance over her shoulder as they walked away, but Nikolai’s eyes were closed, a crease between his brows. A frown tugged at her lips, was he okay? He looked troubled and he never showed his emotions in public unless they served a purpose. ‘It’s not your concern anymore,’  she chided herself, turning back to her friends. Genya gave her a funny look, glancing back at Nikolai before whispering conspiratorially in David’s ear. Walking away from Nikolai, Zoya didn’t feel the tightness in her chest fade, instead she felt something like loss being to wind its way through her. ‘He’s moved on,’ she thought, ‘it’s time that you do too.’ 

                                                                ***

            “That went terribly,” Nikolai groaned, he fought to keep the misery out of his tone, but that didn’t stop it from weighing on his heart. He had loved her, and he knew he still did as much as he tried to clinically cut those feelings out of his chest. Any hope he’d had of Zoya regretting her decision, still having feelings for him were now dashed. She had been as indifferent as she had been when they’d broken up, and that day on the phone as she was today when Linnea had spoken.

        “Why? Your friends seemed nice, and that black haired girl was gorgeous!” 

        He scrubbed a hand over his face before he addressed his sister, “that was Zoya.”

        “That was Zoya?” Linnea was wide-eyed, “Nikolai, you should’ve told me, I would’ve said something. But how does Zoya not know?”

        “She knows of you, but she doesn’t know your name, she never asked because she knew it was hard for me to talk about it given everything.” He and his half-sister couldn’t afford for people to know they were related, his parents had tried everything within their power to bury anything that hinted at Nikolai’s paternity, and Zoya had understood that he couldn’t talk about it, and she had been okay with that, she had nodded when he’d told her, squeezing his hand, and nodding quietly. She had known that he didn’t want apologies or reassurances, just company as he got the truth off his chest. Zoya had never asked him for more, but he’d always wanted to give it to her. He’d been ready to give it to her, but then she walked away from it all before he had a chance.

        “Oh Nikolai, I’m sorry.”

        “It’s okay,” he smiled sadly. “She said it was over, and she’s never given me a reason to think she still-- that she regretted what happened. She doesn’t regret her choices and it was silly of me to think that this-- that I was the exception.”

          She’d told him that she had never loved him, and as hard as that had been to swallow, here he was, weeks later, feeling like he’d finally let her go. Until she’d shown up, and he felt as though he’d been struck in the chest. He’d never felt longing like that before. Nikolai had wanted nothing more than to take her into his arms like he used to, while she ran her fingers through his hair talking about how everyone around her ruined everything unless she was there to clean up their messes. He wanted nothing more than to wake up, these last few weeks had to have been a terrible dream. But no matter how much he pinched himself, his eyes opened, and she was gone once again, and he was as alone as he had been before the storm that was Zoya Nazyalensky had brought some light into his solitary days. 

        Linnea looped her arm through his, jolting him out of his thoughts. “So, where are we headed now, your place?” At his nod she began leading the way, dragging him along, “so, what were you saying about your friends’ wedding? Do you think Zoya will be there too? Do you think you can win her back? I know a few things about winning back the ladies, my last partner actually took me back after I broke into their--”

        Nikolai shook his head as he listened to his sister’s antics. He couldn’t get Zoya out of his mind. Was he reaching, or had he heard a note of hope when she’d said his name? As ridiculous as Linnea’s stories were, he couldn’t help but hold onto the silly idea that maybe, just maybe Tamar and Nadia’s wedding held an opportunity to see Zoya again, if nothing else. And he would gladly listen to a thousand of Linnea’s outlandish stories if it brought him closer to the moment where he might hear Zoya’s voice say his name like that again. He knew he was foolish for hoping, but it was what he did best and for Zoya, he’d never give her anything less than his best.

[likeshootingstarsinthenightsky]

I Love You (Tyson Jost)

HAPPY NEW YEAR Y’ALL!!! Can you believe it’s 2020? Anyway, here’s some Josty love to start the New Year off!

Your POV

You really, really, just needed a friend. Normally, you would be able to talk to any of the wives or girlfriends of the other players, or even some of your friends. But today, you just really needed someone who always gave you good advice or a push in the right direction- Mel.

You texted her, asking if it would be okay to come over. As you waited, you started pacing around your bedroom. When you heard the ding of your phone, you prayed that it was Mel. Picking up your phone, you see a text notification from Mel saying that you could come over. You practically sprinted out of your apartment and drove to the Landeskog household.

The moment you see Mel after she opens the door, you practically tackle her into a hug.

“Whoa,” Mel says, as she wraps her arms around you while making sure that neither of you fall over, “what’s gotten into you, (Y/N)?”

Unraveling yourself from the hug you pout at Mel, “am I not allowed to give you a hug because I missed you?”

Rolling her eyes, Mel makes her way towards the living room and sits on one side of the couch, “You are, but something feels off.”

You stiffen at your spot near the door. Mel looks at you, and she can see the way that your body posture has changed. She pats the spot next to her on the couch. “What’s wrong (Y/N)?” Mel says, concern evident in her voice.

Slowly, you move to the spot next to Mel. You play with the sleeves of your sweater, as you try and find the right words for the thoughts that are going on in your head.

“How are things with you and Tyson?” Mel’s question pulls you out of your mind.

“Oh,” you say while tucking a piece of hair behind your ear, “um, he’s fine?” The last part comes off as more of a question than an actual statement.

“From what Gabe told me, things seem to be going well.” Mel says. There was just a bit of teasing in her tone.

“No, no,” you say hurriedly, “Tyson and I, we’re good. Things are going great. But-“you sigh, and your brows knit in concentration.

“But?” Mel asks you.

“What if,” you sigh, “what if we don’t work out? And, all my friends here in Colorado are basically the team and the girls, and if things don’t work out, what would I do?” You question, as you bring your knees up to your chest.

“Oh, (Y/N).” Mel says, and just as she’s about to pull you in for a hug, she hears Linnea crying from the baby monitor. She gives you a look that says, ‘I’ll be right back.’ You nod your head as you try to keep the tears from falling.

Mel comes back after a few minutes with Linnea in her arms. Mel sits next to you on the couch, and you wipe the stray tears from your cheeks.

“You said things with Tyson are going great (Y/N).” Mel says, “so where’s this doubt coming from?”

“Oh, you know me,” you say, “I’m always doubting things that always feel too good to be true.”

“(Y/N).” Mel says, and it makes you feel like your mom is scolding you. “Tyson is head over heels for you. Your name alone can bring a smile to his face. There’s no reason for you to doubt that.”

You take a moment to let her words sink in. You know she’s right. You offer Mel a weak smile. “Thanks. You’re right, Mel.”

“I know your brain likes to make you doubt yourself, (Y/N). But as far as I can see, or anyone really, there’s no reason for you to feed into your doubt.” You laugh and rest your head on Mel’s shoulder.

“You’re amazing Mel.” You say, while staring down at Linnea. “Linnea is lucky to have you as her mom.”

“Would you like to hold her?” Mel asks you. You lift your head from her shoulder, surprise written all over your face.

“You,” you pause, “would like me to hold her?”

“Only if you want to, (Y/N).” Mel says. You let out a soft squeal, careful not to scare Linnea, and nod your head at Mel. She laughs at your reaction and hands Linnea to you. “Make sure to-“

“Be careful and support the head. I know Mel.” You say cradling Linnea to your chest. Once she knew that Linnea was okay in your arms, Mel went to grab her phone, as she walked away, you could make out the words ‘I need to take a picture of this moment.’

After she took a couple of pictures of you holding Linnea, the two of got into a conversation about what you should do during the boys’ next road trip.

The two of you were so caught up in your conversation, that you hadn’t realized that Gabe had come home with Tyson. Gabe was about to walking into the living room and let the two of you know that he was home, when he realized that Tyson was still standing in the same spot.

Tyson’s POV

“Tyson!” Gabe whisper yells, trying to get Tyson to join him. But he doesn’t hear it. It’s then that Gabe looks to what has your attention- (Y/N), to be more specific, (Y/N) holding Linnea. Gabe smiles and shakes his head, moving back to where you were standing, and nudges you.

“What?” Tyson whispers to Gabe. Gabe just smiles knowingly.

“You have that look on your face.” Gabe says.

“What look?” You ask, still a little confused.

“You love (Y/N).” Gabe’s words take you back a little. Sure, you love (Y/N), it’s why you’re with her. But you take one more look at (Y/N). She’s laughing at something Mel tells her, all while holding Linnea. It looks so natural.

It makes you think about (Y/N) and how she would be a great mother. You could see the two of you having a kid, or even more than one. You could see yourself waking up everyday next to her, and that’s when you realized it- you love (Y/N).

“I love (Y/N).” You say, as a dopey smile spreads on your face. Looking at Gabe, you say it again, “I love (Y/N).”

“Maybe you should tell her that.” Gabe says, as he grabs you by the shoulders and drags you into the living room.

Your POV

Mel was just telling you about something Zoey did when you hear footsteps coming closer. Mel and you look to see Gabe and Tyson.

“Uh, Gabe gave me a ride today.” Tyson says, smiling when the two of you make eye contact. Smiling back at him, you tilt your head to tell Tyson to come sit next to you.

Gabe walks over and gives Mel a kiss, and you a pat on your head, which makes you laugh and roll your eyes. Gabe sits on the end of the couch near Mel.

The four of you talk and take turns holding Linnea. After two hours, you decide that it’s time you make your way home. Thanking Mel for her advice, and letting you hold Linnea, you give Gabe a hug.

Just as your about to say bye to your boyfriend, he gets up from his spot on the couch.

“I should get going too!” Tyson says, and wraps his arms around you, while placing a kiss to your cheek. “(Y/N) can give me a ride home.”

“I never said I was driving you.” You tell Tyson. He looks at you with puppy eyes, and you already knew you’d give in, even without him using puppy eyes.

“Fine.” You say dramatically, “just stop looking like a lost puppy.” Tyson pouts, and mutters that he’s not a lost puppy.

As you were driving away from the street Gabe and Mel lived on, Tyson asks you to stay at his place for a little bit. You agreed and drove towards his place.

Once you got to Tyson’s apartment, you could tell something was up with your boyfriend. He went straight into his room. Slowly, you made your way towards where your boyfriend was. You could see that he was sitting on his bed, lost in thought.

“Tyson?” You whisper as you move to sit next to him on the bed. “What’s wrong?” You put a hand on his thigh.

One of his hands covers your hand and gives it a squeeze. He looks up at you before answering you, “Nothing’s wrong (Y/N).”

“Then why are you acting weird?” You say. The doubts that you expressed to Mel start creeping into your head.

“I love you.” His words make you freeze. You stare at Tyson with wide eyes. His words repeating in your head.

“I love you,” Tyson says again, “I love the little dance you do when you’re excited, when you think no one’s looking. I love how you practically tackle any of us for a hug, even if it’s only been a day since you’ve seen someone.”

That has you laughing a little, and a faint blush creeps on your face. Tyson looks at you.

“You tackled Mel, didn’t you?” Tyson teases, and when you nod your head, he laughs.

“It’s not funny!” You say, trying hard to keep yourself from laughing. Tyson grabs both your hands and gives them a little squeeze.

“I think what I love the most is that I can see the two of us, married, having kids, and growing old together. I can see just how good you would be at being a mom. I mean, the way you were with Linnea, you were a natural. I just hope that you see what I see, because-“

Tyson’s not able to finish his sentence because you take your hands out of his hold and put both hands on either side of Tyson’s face. You pour every emotion you feel for him into that kiss.

“Wow.” He says a little breathlessly. “I’m guessing you love me too?” You laugh at Tyson.

“Yes! You dork!” You say, shoving his shoulder, “I love you too. One day we’ll get married and have kids. But right now, all I want is to snuggle with my boyfriend.”

He kisses your forehead and moves so that the two of you could lay on the bed. “Yeah, I can do that.”

[thebirdandhersong]

a list of favourite encounters with people I’m unlikely to ever meet again

just a list of interesting people I’ve met/been friends with :) I was thinking of a few of them today and thought it probably would be interesting to write them down.

I had a friend in our children’s choir called Elise(?) who had silky blonde hair, very cool glasses (can’t remember the shape or colour but I remember thinking they were cool), and who smelled very distinctly like grape juice. We smiled at each other during rehearsal once (we were both new!), sidled up to each other, and she asked me if I wanted a Starburst. I said yes please. Instant friends. Never saw her again :(

brisk, stressed-looking lady at our favourite noodle shop; ALWAYS looked stressed so my dad always made a point of telling her that the food was very good

one of my church’s youth leaders (who moved away a long time ago). He was one of the few people who took me seriously in middle school, and actually talked to me about books. He had the cutest little girl with the curliest brown hair, and would often raise his eyebrows wryly when people commented on his bald head. I remember asking him about The Girl Who Could Fly and whether or not The Golden Compass was worth reading, and he answered my questions very seriously.

another one of my former youth leaders, this twenty-something German student called Linnea. I thought she was one of the prettiest people I’d seen. She was very friendly, very outspoken, and talked to me about choosing to follow Jesus one youth night. I really liked her, and I also really liked that she told us we could talk to her about anything. She left before I had the bravery to open my mouth, though.

I had a childhood friend called Lucy and we shared a secret hideout. It was very exciting. Once she came over to give me this gigantic rock that had a plant growing in a little hole. She moved away before I could say goodbye, and before I moved out of that neighbourhood, I used to drop by our secret hideout to make sure it was still there.

speaking of childhood friends: one was called Lisa. She had gorgeous black hair (very long) and always came to church in the prettiest dresses. She was very good at art and once showed us tiny flowers she’d sculpted out of clay. She could speak fluent Chinese (she was part of the Chinese service) and I really liked her. Unfortunately when I last visited my hometown, she didn’t remember me at all. It was a very awkward conversation.

my third grade teacher was the BEST. She was a comfortable looking woman with black hair and blue eyes, and reminded me of both Marilla and Mrs. Lynde. We had mandatory knitting hour every day and went for runs in the forest every week. She had a little wooden book cabinet with glass doors, and I would borrow books from them every once in a while. She chose Because of Winn-Dixie and The Tale of Despereaux for our novel study unit, and read both of them out loud to us. (She read the whole of Winn-Dixie in a very convincing Southern accent.) Every single one of us had our own set of knitting needles, ball of yarn, and knitting bag (she and another elementary school teacher made knitting bags with drawstrings for each and every one of us). She was the only teacher I had in that school who could calm down the restless kids, and who showed the ADHD/ADD kids compassion. When she gave you That Look you knew you had to settle down and behave. I went to visit her many years ago and found out that she’d gone in for chemotherapy - I heard later on that she’d fully recovered. I hope she’s doing well.

my fourth grade teacher (part 1). I can’t remember his name, but I remember he was VERY tall, Caucasian, and wore a sweater and a name tag on his first day. The first thing he did with us was sit down on a desk and ask us our name and something interesting about ourselves. I told him that I really liked books. He asked me which ones. I said Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and Narnia. He asked me about my opinion on other Roald Dahl books. He listened to ALL of us very intently, and we warmed up to him very quickly. At the end of our introductions he went around and repeated all our names and our interesting facts. I had never felt so understood before.

my fourth grade teacher (part 2). The first one switched schools after one or two weeks, and we had Miss Payson come in. She was also comfortable-looking, with short brown hair and purple glasses. She had a purple knitted hedgehog, and spoke very kindly to all of us. We had a mandatory creative writing session every week, where we would go to the computer lab and type for around an hour. I asked her permission once to write a story about her hedgehog, and she said yes. (I was VERY happy for the rest of the day.)

my fifth grade teacher (part 1). The first was an Italian lady with black hair to her shoulders and a matter-of-fact approach. The restless kids who liked to talk back got her riled up on several occasions, but most of the time she was very calm and practical. She taught us to write comparison essays (I did one on wild vs. farmed salmon and it was a horrible essay.) She told us she was going to get married in the summer. Are you going to invite us? asked one of the boys. No, she said, and laughed. Once, a boy in my class took Jesus’s name in vain (she told us right off the bat that she was Catholic) and a steely look entered in her eye. She told him very quietly that she didn’t want to hear any such language in class, and he apologised to her immediately, rather chastened. I did some creative writing with her, and she was the first teacher to tell me that she looked forward to seeing my name on a bookstore shelf one day. I will never forget that.

my fifth grade teacher (part 2). The second was a lady from Ghana who had two children she loved telling us about, and had a very bubbly and passionate personality. She read to us in class, was VERY good at math, and often directed a certain look at us I now call an ironic glance. 

this wisp of a girl with long brown hair and a slight nervous look called Valentina. She always looked nervous and a little unhappy, and I never got the chance to ask her why.

a friend from middle school with short red hair (very wild! very beautiful!) and freckles. We were both into The Hobbit when it came out, and collaborated on a novel for NaNoWriMo in 2013(?). It was a bit messy and we never really finished it, but I remember how insistent she was that we help the main character realise that the world was still a beautiful place. (I loved her for that.)

my old band teacher in elementary school, back when I could actually play clarinet. He was British, wore the same black earrings every class, was very tall, very thin, and very kind. He never once yelled at us for playing badly, or for getting distracted. Band was so much fun with him. I can’t tell you how many times we practiced King Arthur’s March, but I can tell you that it was a LOT.

someone I saw when I got off the train one day. I was on the way home, the train doors opened, and I saw the most beautiful pair of eyes I had ever seen. I don’t remember his face at all (I don’t recall any other features of his) but I do remember that it was late afternoon, and the sun struck his brown eyes. I could see the gold in them. It was an enchanting experience.

a whole GROUP of people I dearly wanted to be friends with: this boy who I thought must be some sort of fairy: rectangular wire glasses, very floppy dirty blond hair, angelic smile, insisted on wearing a pageboy cap and clunky boots, played violin like it was as natural to him as breathing. He was a very friendly person. His sister, who also had short hair and glasses - the kind of person whose enthusiasm is contagious. (When she talks to you, you can’t help but smile.) Also another of his possible relatives (I don’t know... they were both blonde, tall, and had similar hair): this slender, elf-like girl with a pixie cut who had black combat boots, and an endless supply of flannel shirts and dangly earrings. She was into Lord of the Rings and Doctor Who (I was always at the edge of my seat, wishing I could chime in with an “I love them too!” but I was never quite brave enough). Another girl was always dressed in black (with matching purple lipstick and ALSO black combat boots), and talked about the books she liked and didn’t like (Brave New World wasn’t worth reading, she said one day). A younger girl with bouncy blonde hair and these GORGEOUS blue-green eyes. I didn’t know that people’s eyes could actually sparkle until I saw her. She was the life of the party, and was incredibly charming because she didn’t seem to be aware at all how charming she was. OH and a girl who looked like she’d walked right out of the 1940s: red lipstick, curly ginger hair, beauty mark, with an incredible singing voice. She was in love with La La Land and Phantom of the Opera (very valid) and was the darling of the group (you could definitely tell why: she was well-spoken, bright-eyed, generous). And a very tall, very quiet boy with dark curly hair who was very talented at any kind of art. Very fluent in French (French was part of the vernacular in this friend group... they sometimes slipped in and out of it and I would just sit and smile, somewhat confused). Also very kind. I remember he once asked to look at my sketchbook (I was vibrating with nervousness the whole time. You know when you’re in middle school, and want validation SO much? Or maybe that was just my social anxiety) and when he finally handed it back, he said something nice and smiled. I instantly felt more at ease. He was also a friendly person, the kind of person you could sit with for a long time in silent companionship. Also very, very kind - and more of an action person than a talking person.

[pebblesandjamjam]

JAM’s Top 8 for 2017

I retired the concept of publication years in 2016 and that tradition holds this year.  When you meet a book matters more than when the book met the world. You’re a certain sort of person when the text comes into your life and if you read it at a different time, you’d likely see it in a different way. What’s more: there’s just too much in the world for me to focus on what was published when–so this list represents the best of what I experienced in 2017, independent of its publication date. It represents me, my year, where I started, and where I ended. Hope you enjoy the ride.

8. Jackass // Scarlet Beriko (2015, tr. 2017)

Scarlet Beriko is one of the best cartoonists in the game and their chosen field is: BL. Lucky, I think. I have always admired their variety and control of line weight, wielding it carefully to allow the tone to turn on a dime. (Their comics, including this one, are hilarious.) But with Jackass in particular,I think what I admire most is how much affection each character--even the secondary ones, the nameless ones--seems to show.

The main pairing is two high school students and best friends, Keisuke and Masayuki. Their relationship ends up in a strangely sexual place when Keisuke accidentally puts on his older sister’s pantyhose--and Masayuki discovers a kink he never knew he had. The comic is impressive enough in that the accidental putting on of pantyhose is actually believable in context, but the true mastery is how protective the boys and their friends are of one another. A secondary romance is built between Keisuke’s childhood friend, Katsumi, and the school doctor, but even this romance is less about the two characters and more a vehicle for emphasizing Keisuke and Katsumi’s friendship--which is a relief, as I generally frown upon even fictional student-teacher relationships for reasons that should be obvious. All of these boys (and, notably, Keisuke’s sister) love each other, take care of each other, treat each other preciously--the way I wish all the precious men in my life would treat each other.

The major flaw of the book comes with the character Miyoshi, another student. Even he becomes part of the flow of affection, but the character uses the word ‘queer’ pejoratively quite a few times, which is to be understood as a sort of defense mechanism given the completion of his arc--but of course, does not undo the violence of either the nature of the word’s use or its larger participation in queerphobic narratives. I very much enjoy the deep love this book shows, which is why it’s frustrating (to say that absolute least) to see it casually undermined by queerphobic language and themes.

It was one of the best books I read this year, but that enjoyment was tempered by the sharpness of that experience. If you do decide to enjoy the book yourself: please do so carefully.

7. Mix-Plate // Emily Forster (2017)

BL brought me other gifts this year, but this time from a surprising source: the West. In 2017, seven Western cartoonists put together Boy, I Love You: a BL comics anthology, a work collecting pieces inspired by and celebrating the genre. The anthology itself was enjoyable on the whole, but Emily Forster’s piece, “Mix-Plate”, was an impressive standout.

Not unlike Jackass, affection looms large throughout the story, though this one is much more familial. Jordan is a teenager whose parents don’t quite support him as they should. One day, he meets another boy named Eli who has a different relationship with his family. Jordan eats with Eli’s family on the beach several times and the family’s affection for one another is arguably the true primary relationship of the story.

The imbuing of culture and setting is also key to the story. Though it is never said directly, the comic is ostensibly set in Hawaii given Eli’s family uses Pidgin with significant frequency. This element may be the part that I liked most of all--if anything because I don’t get to read many comics that invoke elements of Hawaiian culture and daily life by cartoonists from Hawaii. The authenticity shines through as much, if not, moreso, than the romance itself.

The comic feels warm and, ultimately, welcoming. Just as a love story should.

6. Akira, vol 1 // Katsuhiro Otomo (1982, re-translated 2017)

I’ve read volume 1 of Akira three times in my life, across about five years. I’ve seen the film several times. And now, I think, Otomo and I are beginning to understand one another. Part of it is certainly that this go round I’ve been reading editions with higher production quality and significantly better translations--but I think I needed to sit with the book for a few (or several) years before it began to resonate.

Finally, after Time Number Three, I understood Kaneda’s cool, Kaneda’s foolishness, and the quiet implication of Kaneda’s tragedy--maybe because they’re all the epitome of youth, or perhaps more accurately, the epitome of lacking control. Ultimately, Akira is really a story about attempts at either control or the illusion of control. What’s cool about Kaneda is that he gets thrown into the center of a government conspiracy and simply rolls with the punches. He’s cool; he’s in control. But what’s foolish about him is even the thought that he’s in control, that he knows it all, that he’s got it figured out. You can’t have one without the other. And the tragedy is what robs him of the control in the first place, what seems to control him, what he has to settle for instead of control--which are things Otomo carefully intimates but never says outright, because..well, tragedy, isn’t cool. Kaneda is at the edge of everything because his youth and his edge are all he has. And you roll with it, just as he does, not just because that edge is cool but because you too are lacking control. You too want to roar in defiance, to make someone or something remember you, even if you can’t. It took some time, but, I got there.

I’m glad I did.

5. Navigating Trauma // Shan Murphy (2017)

Navigating Trauma is a 2017 mood if I’ve ever seen one. I saw it go by on Twitter and was immediately staggered. I looked it several times that day. I’ve looked at it several times since. It depicts the feelings with immediately recognizable truth and honesty. It lets you know where you’ve been. It lets you know where you’ll eventually be. Though this is my first time coming across their work, Murphy’s work here is reminiscent of Tove Jansson’s Moomin strips--in both style and tone, I think. There’s a sweetness and a sharpness. Something gentle that will not lie to you about the difficult portions of life. But also something that will comfort you through them. A fantastic piece.

4. Stages of Rot // Linnea Sterte (2017)

I’ve been thinking for a while about how to describe what’s good about Stages of Rot and I keep coming back to the notion of it representing the quietest, stillest, and most undisturbed parts of my heart. It’s the art, mainly. The narrative relies much less on words and much more on “vibe,” as my friend and colleague Shea Hennum is wont to put it. The story doesn’t even matter to me, all that much. I have trouble keeping it together, though the description on the back helps:

“An alien desert comes to life around the body of a dying whale. Animals, insects and ancient peoples scramble for her remains and make their homes among her bones, struggling through a millenia-long process of decay.”

As I said, though, it’s the art. The lines and colors are both, at once, soft but definitive. Any more words would ruin it because it’s the feeling--the feeling of being in tune with something across time and space. A kind of purpose and significance to the movements of the earth, and you. It’s something holy. A pure experience.

3. Shinobeba Koi // Yukue Moegi (2014)

Well, it’s BL again. Sorry, not sorry. And even worse, it’s a title that hasn’t been translated to English (yet). I know, I know, but I’m even less sorry than I was previously. I’m speaking it into the universe such that some intrepid young licenser will come across this post and think, yes, today I will, because honestly, I’ve read this comic about 6 times this year and I am moved each time.

Shinobeba Koi is a two-volume comic that is actually a spin-off from a different comic, Nirameba Koi. It follows the older brother of the main character from Nirameba, but that doesn’t matter because Shinobeba is entirely enjoyable without that context (and is a definitively superior comic.) It tells the tale of a long love between Tora (the older brother) and Tetsuya. The story starts when they’re older, working at a hair salon together, but readers learn that they knew each other from before, when the two were teenagers. Tetsuya was 18, the leader of a bike gang and Tora, 16, admired him deeply, desperate to join his gang.

The depth of their feelings is apparent and holds throughout the narrative, gently but firmly. There are a number of opportunities for Moegi to overdo it, but she never does. The story is always told with restraint and deep sensitivity, which is particularly fitting against the setting of an extremely masculine bike gang. I’m continually swept away by the gentleness and the certainty of affection between the two leads, even at troublesome intersections. I love a story of a long, patient love--perhaps because patient love is the sort that I feel that I need--so this one is among my very favorite.

2. On A Sunbeam // Tillie Walden (2016-7)

I almost put On A Sunbeam on last year’s list, but it hadn’t finished yet, and I have been burned by the floppy endings of too many otherwise brilliant works to make similar mistakes again. With that in mind, I should note how I felt reading the end of this comic.

It had been finished for a few weeks, but I was already three or four chapters behind--and I was also a bit depressed. I wasn’t interested in much, couldn’t do much, didn’t want to do much beyond feeling bad about not being able to do or wanting to do much. My friend Mark suggested that I read the final chapters of the comic, in hopes of improving my mood, but I told him I didn’t want to, since the weight of those final chapters possibly being bad (or worse, middling) seemed like too much additional sadness. And then I would never know if the comic was bad or if I was bad. And that too seemed too much.

So I waited. I waited for a day that I felt, at a minimum, okay, and then I read it. And, of course, once I did, I was ready to spin-kick the sun out of the sky. (I say that a lot for things I like, because it’s the only thing that really adequately describes how it feels when I experience something I love, so you may have heard me use the phrase before.)

I could write about the sheer industriousness of Walden’s work on this webcomic--she was putting out 20-30 pages...a week, never mind a month--or I could write about it in context of how much I love her other work, but really, I just want to say that On A Sunbeam is chockful of artfully restrained and fine feelings--of love, of fury, of warmth.

It’s a space comic that, in one timeline, follows Mia, a girl working as a part of a ship’s crew that restores various buildings for money, but then also follows her at a different time, when she’s at a new boarding school after some troubles at her old one. The work emphasizes the forced closeness of spaceships in the vast distances of space, how crews live together and become families. Use of space and architecture are probably my favorite things about Walden’s comics and On A Sunbeam is no exception. My experience of the comic was always relief, gratefulness, and joy at having such quality work available to me on a regular basis.

It’s going to be published in print in 2018, if webcomics aren’t your thing. I hope it brings you as much relief, gratitude, and joy as it brought me.

1. Finder, vol 1 // Carla Speed McNeill (1997-present, collected in 2011)

Finder is a miracle comic, I think. It behaves as though it’s real, which a lot of fictional works strive for, but rarely actually achieve. I was immediately engrossed after the first few pages and the huge library volumes collected by Dark Horse in 2011 are massive--664 pages, precisely. But it’s likely the casualness of it all, the evidence of the world building without explanation, and the compelling character (protagonist is the wrong word, in the context of Finder) we have in Jaeger, an Ascian sin-eater. If you haven’t read Finder, you don’t know what either of those words mean, but that’s fine, don’t worry--whatever I tell you about it won’t be as good as if you just pick up the book and let McNeill tell you herself. Or, I don’t know, let Finder tell you itself, as it almost seems to function on its own.

That’s part of it too. McNeill’s work is impressive such that the seams, the hand of the creator is almost, oddly, invisible (even though it could in no way happen without her, dare I say, genius.) There are many comics that I can imagine working on myself, even several of the ones by the greats (I admit, audaciously) but Finder is its own separate, brilliant thing that I could never either conceive of or create, even knowing about it after the fact.

I imagine I’m frustrating you because you’ve arrived at #1 and I haven’t even told you what the comic is about but, to be honest, I don’t know! I can’t say. Anything I’d say would be incomplete and a disservice to an undefinable truth. I can tell you that some of it is about Jaeger, but much of it isn’t. My favorite parts are about him, but there’s plenty I love that’s hardly related.

It’s a comic I can’t define with all my words and critical prowess, can’t create with all of my imagination and sense of structure, but absolutely love. It’s a world. It’s several. It’s a life, a series of lives.

And how on earth could I adequately tell you about that?

[diftongi]

1-134 :D

1: Name: anni

2: Age: 24 (25 in a month holy fuck)

3: 3 Fears: being left alone, spiders, getting hurt physically so i wouldn’t be able to dance anymore

4: 3 things I love: breakfast, forests, words

5: 4 turns on: a nice smell, emotional intimacy, dirty talking, being vocal in general

6: 4 turns off: a bad smell obvs, rudeness, excessive use of intoxicants, can’t think of the last one!!!!

7: My best friend: sara baby <3

8: Sexual orientation: i don’t wanna label myself

9: My best first date: i’ve never really had proper dates with people i don’t know so idk

10: How tall am I: 156cm

11: What do I miss: sara

12: What time were I born: 4:00am

13: Favorite color: indigo blue

14: Do I have a crush: ye and a little bit more than that

15: Favorite quote: “Hyvä Jumala taivainen, anna minulle yksi kertomus, vain yksi. Mutta älä anna sen olla tämä.”

16: Favorite place: home

17: Favorite food: junk food

18: Do I use sarcasm: never

19: What am I listening to right now: jenna yelling to playstation

20: First thing I notice in new person: eyes, hands, style

21: Shoe size: 35

22: Eye color: blue

23: Hair color: dyed blonde

24: Favorite style of clothing: idk depends

25: Ever done a prank call? ye

27: Meaning behind my URL: my second favorite book is gisellen kuolema by siiri enoranta and the main characters’ dad loves diphthongs (?? diftongis) so he named his children linnea and joel (the funny thing is that neither of those names really have diphthongs :D)

28: Favorite movie: gone girl

29: Favorite song: according to last.fm my all time most listened song is planeetat by ida & kalle so let’s say that

30: Favorite band: ida & kalle i guess

31: How I feel right now: very good actually

32: Someone I love: jenna

33: My current relationship status: well basically taken but not in a official relationship just yet

34: My relationship with my parents: good, not very close but good

35: Favorite holiday: idk christmas maybe

36: Tattoos and piercing i have: nose ring and one text tattoo

37: Tattoos and piercing i want: nothing more than i already have

38: The reason I joined Tumblr: i can’t remember it has been YEARS

39: Do I and my last ex hate each other?: idk we don’t talk

40: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts?: yes (mostly from my bff it’s amazing she’s so cute)

41: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted?: ye kinda

42: When did I last hold hands?: few hours ago

43: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning?: i wake up 1,5h before i have to leave the house 

44: Have You shaved your legs in the past three days?: no

45: Where am I right now?: turku

46: If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me?: sara or jenna probs (jenna would probably be more drunk than me tho so idk really)

47: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level?: reasonable please and thank u

48: Do I live with my Mom and Dad?: no

49: Am I excited for anything?: ye

50: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to?: nah

51: How often do I wear a fake smile?: not very often

52: When was the last time I hugged someone?: now

53: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me?: depends on the situation and who she would be kissing but i would either be upset or laugh

54: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not?: nahh not anymore

55: What is something I disliked about today?: we left tampere and i had to leave my chips there and i didn’t have time to eat them :(

56: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?: gerard way was the first person i thought so let’s say that

57: What do I think about most?: love probs

58: What’s my strangest talent?: i don’t think i have any

59: Do I have any strange phobias?: nah

60: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?: both but i’m better behind

61: What was the last lie I told?: i don’t remember, i don’t usually lie

62: Do I prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?: talking on the phone maybe

63: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens?: yes to both

64: Do I believe in magic?: nah

65: Do I believe in luck?: ye

66: What’s the weather like right now?: idk i have been indoors for hours but it rained earlier

67: What was the last book I’ve read?: tuhatkuolevan kirous by siiri enoranta

68: Do I like the smell of gasoline?: yes

69: Do I have any nicknames?: dead baby annie and murubeibi

70: What was the worst injury I’ve ever had?: i haven’t really had that bad injuries

71: Do I spend money or save it?: save

72: Can I touch my nose with a tongue?: no

73: Is there anything pink in 10 feet from me?: yes my pants

74: Favorite animal?: my cat

75: What was I doing last night at 12 AM?: having an argument probably...

76: What do I think is Satan’s last name is?: what

77: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it?: blinding lights by the weeknd

78: How can you win my heart?: with food and compliments

79: What would I want to be written on my tombstone?: merci pour le venin (i don’t really know that would a little bit too dramatic i think)

80: What is my favorite word?: rakas

81: My top 5 blogs on tumblr: idk

82: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say?: i don’t really know that would be horrible

83: Do I have any relatives in jail?: no

84: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power?: teleportation

85: What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on?: i don’t know i’m pretty open and don’t have that much secrets so i can’t really think of anything rn

86: What is my current desktop picture?: some flowers

87: Had sex?: yes?

88: Bought condoms?: no

89: Gotten pregnant?: no

90: Failed a class?: yes

91: Kissed a boy?: yes

92: Kissed a girl?: yes

93: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain?: yes

94: Had job?: yes

95: Left the house without my wallet?: yes

96: Bullied someone on the internet?: a bit

97: Had sex in public?: kinda

98: Played on a sports team?: no

99: Smoked weed?: not really

100: Did drugs?: no

101: Smoked cigarettes?: ye

102: Drank alcohol?: ye

103: Am I a vegetarian/vegan?: no

104: Been overweight?: no

105: Been underweight?: ye

106: Been to a wedding?: ye

107: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight?: ye

108: Watched TV for 5 hours straight?: ye

109: Been outside my home country?: ye

110: Gotten my heart broken?: ye

111: Been to a professional sports game?: i don’t think so, can’t remember

112: Broken a bone?: no

113: Cut myself?: ye

114: Been to prom?: ye (jos wanhat lasketaan)

115: Been in airplane?: ye

116: Fly by helicopter?: no

117: What concerts have I been to?: so many

118: Had a crush on someone of the same sex?: haha ye

119: Learned another language?: ye

120: Wore make up?: ye

121: Lost my virginity before I was 18?: ye

122: Had oral sex?: ye

123: Dyed my hair?: ye

124: Voted in a presidential election?: ye

125: Rode in an ambulance?: ye

126: Had a surgery?: no

127: Met someone famous?: ye

128: Stalked someone on a social network?: ye

129: Peed outside?: ye

130: Been fishing?: ye

131: Helped with charity?: can’t remember

132: Been rejected by a crush?: ye

133: Broken a mirror?: can’t remember, maybe

134: What do I want for birthday?: a girlfriend ;)

[grimgersnaps]

“I’ve had enough hurt already in my life. More than enough. Now I want to be happy.”

5 september 1979 ; falun, sweden

charity skirmish match between canadian & swedish quidditch teams

All was well. Billie repeated those words to zirself like a mantra as ze walked up the stairs to the commentator’s booth, zir shoes making little tap tap taps as ze walked. All was well, and would continue to be well, until ze finally left Sweden and went back home. Charlie had drawn a dragon on zir arm with red marker-- markers were, by far, the best thing muggles had ever invented, in Billie’s opinion, and ze would use them for everything it was possible to use them for from the moment ze first saw them until zir last-- for bravery, and ze kept zir sleeve rolled up high so that ze got a glance of it every time ze let zir gaze drop. 

There were thousands of people in Sweden. He hated Quidditch. Ze wouldn’t see him here. 

Ze opened the door to the commentator’s booth and stepped inside, scanning the room in spite of zirself before ze fully entered. Ze only relaxed fully when ze saw that zir fellow commentator was a woman, and zir shoes clicked along the floor with a little more zeal as ze approached.

The woman was quite beautiful, petite but loud in her presence. She smiled widely when she saw Billie, and extended her hand for zir to shake. Billie noted that her lipstick matched her nail polish, and her shoes. One glance at her chair told zir that she matched her purse to her ensemble as well. Billie’s smile widened. 

“You must be Bilius,” the woman said happily. “I’m so honored to meet you. I’m Linnea, I’m going to be commentating with you. Please, please.” She shook Billie’s hand enthusiastically before she motioned for Billie to sit in the vacant seat beside her. Billie sat, and glanced down at the dragon on zir arm hastily before ze met Linnea’s gaze again. 

“Those stairs are a bloody marathon and a half, ain’t they?” ze said, and fanned zirself with zir hand. “Halfway up I thought maybe I’d bumped myself back down to the bottom to start all over again. This place is nice, though, it’s great. Haven’t been here before, actually. The other English commentator-- Larry, totally boring bloke, you won’t miss him. He doesn’t even swear. It’s a crime-- comes to all the Swedish games and lets me go to all the ones in Egypt because he hates the heat. Something about the humidity making his hair piece fall off, or something--” Linnea concealed a laugh behind her hand, and Billie grinned at her before plowing on with zir rapidfire story. “--but he’s actually retired, and the new little kid they’ve got doing commentary isn’t ready for a game like this. Plus no one would donate listening to his tiny little voice, he sounds like a cartoon character.”

Linnea was still laughing. “What is a cartoon?” she asked, voice rising at the word cartoon questioningly. “Is this an English thing?”

Billie shook zir head. “Nah, it’s a muggle thing. They’re like little moving pictures that muggles make and show on boxes. I know, it’s mental, right? I can’t make sense of it either, but there you have it.”

Linnea laughed, reaching her manicured hand up to tuck a few of her golden curls behind her ear. “I think I am starting to understand why you became a commentator,” she told Billie, who grinned back at her and winked. 

“Linnie, you haven’t even seen the half of it yet.”

Linnie’s smile widened, and she raised her eyebrows at zir. “I look forward to seeing the rest.”

Billie liked the commentator that was working with zir, thought that she was funny. Pretty. Pretty enough to ask for a drink once they’d finished, confident enough that ze offered to pay for said drink. Linnie agreed happily, and, slinging zir arm around the woman’s shoulders, Billie led the way down and out.

Billie felt lighter with each step. Ze wasn’t thinking about him anymore. Ze wasn’t thinking about anything except for having fun, and enjoying zirself. It’s how ze liked to live the most, free to be unashamed. Free to smile when ze wanted to, and be zirself. There was no guilt in this, there was no shame. Ze was free and wild and ze didn’t have to pretend otherwise.

Linnie was giggling when they reached the gates to the field, tilting slightly on her heels as she pulled Billie to a reluctant stop. “Hang on, hang on, I just have to tell my family I’m going, do you mind–?”

Billie shook zir head. “No, go ahead,” ze said, waving Linnie off. Linnie kept giggling and straightened her hat on her head, tucking her wispy golden curls back behind her ears before she turned around to look back at the stadium.

She was saved having to go more than three paces by a three-year-old rocketing towards her at top wiggle velocity to cling to her legs with a loud exclamation of “Mama!” Billie watched with appreciation as Linnie lifted her son into the air, smiling as he screamed with delight at being so high up before she peppered his face with kisses and spoke to him in rapid-fire Swedish between kisses. Billie was laughing and smiling until ze heard a familiar voice from where Linnie’s son had just rushed from. 

“Tyvärr fick han ifrån mig.”

Magnus was walking right towards zir, oblivious to zir standing there, apologetic smile on his face.

Nearly four years had passed. They were barely a month shy of four years. And he looked the same, tall and broad-shouldered and muscled. He towered over zir easily, looking every bit the same as he had on the day ze’d left him. 

Zir smile vanished.

“Billie, this is my husband, Magnus,” Linnie said, completely unaware of Billie’s change in behavior as she bounced her son on her hip. “And this is my son Angus. Boys, this is Billie Weasley, she-- ze? I’m sorry, ze-- was up in the booth with me today.”

Magnus’ expression was caught between worried and happy as he took a step towards Billie, putting an arm out to pull zir close. “We know each other,” he said to Linnie, and pulled Billie close to him. The hug was strangling, and Billie froze against him, and remained frozen, half squished, even after he’d released zir. He looked down at zir expectantly, eyebrows raised. “How’ve you been? It’s been--”

“Four years,” Billie cut him off, looking up to meet his gaze. “Yeah. I know.” Ze looked over at Linnie, who was looking between her husband and her new friend with confusion. “Sorry, I have to skip drinks after all. This-- this was a bad idea. It was nice meeting you.”

“Bills--” Magnus cut in, reaching out to touch zir arm. Billie batted his hand away from zir. 

“Don’t you even look at me,” ze snapped. Magnus pulled his hand back from zir. Ze didn’t have zir speech ready, ze didn’t know what ze wanted to say to him. Ze wasn’t ready for this. Ze wasn’t ready to handle it. 

So ze didn’t. Ze took one last look between Linnie and Magnus, and with a pop, ze was gone. 

Ze didn’t know where ze was going, didn’t care. All that mattered was that ze was gone. 

[psychoth]

Conversations with my mother.

Also....

  http://parrishmiller.com/narcissists.html

(For dad, not you)

I'm looking at this and ... I don't know if he's a straight up narcI'm talking to my friend, whose dad's personality basically IS this list.

Dad is definitely 1, borderline 2, semi-3, 4 is no, 5 I'm not sure, 6 no, 7 no, 8 no, 9 not really, 10 maybe a little, 11 yes I think, 12 yes, 13 yes, 14 yes, 15 no, 16 sort of sometimes, 17 kind of, 18 no, 19 maybe, 20 YES, 21 no, 22 no, 23 no, 24 I don't know

I haven't read it yet, but your dad's side of the family has a really strong trait of narcissim...

My friend/writing partner's dad is like ... psycho

I've felt that for a long time, it was like when I flew out with your dad and met them for the first time... all they did was talk about themselves.  They never asked about me, I felt talked at for two weeks.

Like wouldn't let them have doors on their room psycho

wow

So I always conflate narcissism with THAT level of nuts

But I was talking to her today like 'lol <thing dad used to do>' and she's like 'that sounds like a narc

I don't think he quite qualifies as a full on narcissist, because he is missing a few of the important points...BUT - there is a hell of a lot that fits him.

And eloiseand Astrid

I do think he feels us as more than extensions of himself.

Which seems to be central to narc ... ness

Uhmmm.....I'm not so sure he does....

Viewing the people close to you as things.

He does do that.

He doesn't respect you kids, he never has... you are extensions of him, everything you do that doesn't meet his standards is an embarrassment to him.

I barely talk to him anymore, and so much of my childhood/teenagehood, my memory feels super shaky.

Yeah, I'm super pissed at myself and him about your childhood.

Because for the most part, I was constantly protecting you.

shrug I'm fine now

Like ... I'm just trying to understand now, mostly because it will help and

Also I'm worried about my sisters.

We had a couple of bad instances - but the fact that you don't remember me sticking up for you and associate all the crap things he did with both of us, makes me sooooo angry that I went along with his "united" front theory of parenting.

I think it's a lot easier for me to forgive you any fuckups than it is him, because you've put SO MUCH EFFORT into growing and changing and becoming this awesome super mom

(I mean there was a couple of times I was not cool in how I parented you, I'm SOOO sorry about Sable.)

That's the thing, I wasn't perfect with you, but I was also an awesome super mom for you too.

Like you're not perfect, nobody is, I wouldn't expect that of ANYONE, but you acknowledge your mistakes and you TALK about them

But you don't even remember that.

That matters to me a lot

With dad...He never acknowledges that he's done anything wrong, really.

Or if he does... he doesn't work to fix it.

He doesn't try to be better.

He doesn't question himself, he doesn't LISTEN

I know

And that BOTHERS ME SO MUCH

I tried for 20 years to get him to be betterand he was... a little

and whatever progress I made, was erased when he married Jenn

Sigh

I just want to understand.

Honestly, sometimes I wonder if the abuse is severe enough that he is legally committing child abuse.

I don't actually know.

Both for myself, and for my sisters.

What help does understanding do?

It doesn't make it any easier to live through

Like ... if you look at it from an outside perspective, yelling isn't abuse, right?

But that psychological terrorizing... idk

I don't know what to do.  And now, the little girls are not even saying it's that bad.I think it is abusive, and sometimes, I think he's crossing the line where a court would agree.

But it's not consistently enough that I can call him out on it.

Look up verbal abuse, it's illegal to verbally abuse your children.

And let me know if you think he would qualify - by law - as verbally abusive.

"Typical language used in these definitions is “injury to the psychological capacity or emotional stability of the child as evidenced by an observable or substantial change in behavior, emotional response, or cognition” and injury as evidenced by “anxiety, depression, withdrawal, or aggressive behavior.”

I mean....Yeah

https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubPDFs/define.pdf#page=2&view=Types%20of%20abusewww.childwelfare.govchildwelfare.gov

Yeah

I don't know.

you could report him.

Fiona told him he is literally giving her anxiety

and he told her, no, he isn't.

But Linnea has told me firmly, that she loves him and that she can handle it by monitoring herself so that she doesn't do anything that pisses him off.

This is the same tactic that Annika took.

.... wince

Managing him by tiptoeing around his anger.If he starts to escalate, she fixes whatever is escalating him.

Fiona I think is going along with what Linnea wants, but she's spoken up a few times saying that she's still being yelled at.

I really think #2 is a yes... more so than when you were growing up.

“Any attempt at autonomy on your part is strongly resisted. Normal rites of passage (learning to shave, wearing makeup, dating) are grudgingly allowed only if you insist, and you're punished for your insistence ("Since you're old enough to date, I think you're old enough to pay for your own clothes!") If you demand age-appropriate clothing, grooming, control over your own life, or rights, you are difficult and she ridicules your "independence."”

Lara

He wouldn't let them play outside, they couldn't walk two blocks to go to the park.

That's the definition/information specifically for Oregon

nods

well, it certainly fits for both you and annika

It pisses me off how much damage he would do to her from a simple weekend visit.

Maybe I should talk to one of the counselors here and ask them if I should report it.

I'm actually a mandatory reporter, so if I know abuse is going on, I'm required to report it.

I'm going to go find someone to talk to .

God he'd be so. fucking. pissed.

If CPS reached out to him.

He'd be absolutely furious.

You know he'll rant and rave and rage. Are those reports anonymous? Cause if you did that and he found out...Things would get fucking UGLY.

Okay - she said we should go ahead and report

We can report anonymous

and they won't do anything anyway

but it builds a case.

They only investigate for sexual and physical abuse.

She said they don't even investigate neglect.

Wow

You don't have to if you don't want to.  But I'm going to do it.

Later, I'm working atm...

hugs

I don't know if I'm ready to do that.

I might be at some point, but... not yet. >:

Understood.

Well, I'm FURIOUS about Annika

Like my heart just started racing

I was there with you.

And my hands got a little shaky

But Annika was subjected to his abuse...without any moderation from me.

Well, it helped me to know it can be done anonymously and that DHS won't go knocking his door down.

“17. She "parentifies." She shed her responsibilities to you as soon as she was able, leaving you to take care of yourself as best you could. She denied you medical care, adequate clothing, necessary transportation or basic comforts that she would never have considered giving up for herself. She never gave you a birthday party or let you have sleepovers. Your friends were never welcome in her house. She didn't like to drive you anywhere, so you turned down invitations because you had no way to get there. She wouldn't buy your school pictures even if she could easily have afforded it. You had a niggardly clothing allowance or she bought you the cheapest clothing she could without embarrassing herself. As soon as you got a job, every request for school supplies, clothing or toiletries was met with "Now that you're making money, why don't you pay for that yourself?" You studied up on colleges on your own and choose a cheap one without visiting it. You signed yourself up for the SATs, earned the money to pay for them and talked someone into driving you to the test site. You worked three jobs to pay for that cheap college and when you finally got mononucleosis she chirped at you that she was "so happy you could take care of yourself." She also gave you tasks that were rightfully hers and should not have been placed on a child. You may have been a primary caregiver for young siblings or an incapacitated parent. You may have had responsibility for excessive household tasks. Above all, you were always her emotional caregiver which is one reason any defection from that role caused such enormous eruptions of rage. You were never allowed to be needy or have bad feelings or problems. Those experiences were only for her, and you were responsible for making it right for her. From the time you were very young she would randomly lash out at you any time she was stressed or angry with your father or felt that life was unfair to her, because it made her feel better to hurt you. You were often punished out of the blue, for manufactured offenses. As you got older she directly placed responsibility for her welfare and her emotions on you, weeping on your shoulder and unloading on you any time something went awry for her.”

that's why I hesitated in the first place, because yeah, if he knew it was me...

This one is Annika 100%

“It's not THAT severe, she could have friends over sometimes, but... taking on his responsibilities for the other kids, yes, and the absolute resistance to helping her go places or do thingsLaraAs soon as you got a job, every request for school supplies, clothing or toiletries was met with "Now that you're making money, why don't you pay for that yourself?" You studied up on colleges on your own and choose a cheap one without visiting it. You signed yourself up for the SATs, earned the money to pay for them and talked someone into driving you to the test site. You worked three jobs to pay for that cheap college and when you finally got mononucleosis she chirped at you that she was "so happy you could take care of yourself." “